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If there's one thing Sheena dislikes so much about her wife, it's the fact that she's too nonchalant for her own good.
Don't get her wrong, this is what made her fall in love with Gwen in the first place–the fact that the older woman was too innocent and kind for a world that is cruel to her that made Sheena want to protect and get to know her in the first place. Made her want to see the inner workings of her mind, what goes on, what she observes.
Today is her breaking point however.
They're seated in Gwen's car, having a heated argument in the parking lot of a Japanese restaurant. Their friends, Maloi and Aiah, had recently got engaged and tonight is supposedly a small gathering and celebration for it. Sheena thought it was just going to be one of those fun nights with their girls, it's been a while too since they all last saw each other, but before leaving the apartment that's when all hell broke loose.
Looking back at it now, it was stupid what they were arguing about.
“Akala ko kasi–”
“Lagi na lang akala Gwen, puro akala. Laging nakakalimutan, ganyan ka na lang palagi, nakakasawa na sa totoo lang.”
“Love,” Gwen calls out, hand reaching for her partner's who pulls hers away. “Bebe, mali ko okay? Hindi ko rin namalayan na ako na dapat magaayos ng laundry to–”
Ah, right. It was laundry. They were fighting about laundry.
(“Gweneth Apuli-Catacutan!” Sheena shouts from their shared bedroom.
“Yesh po, bebe?” The aforementioned emerges from the bathroom, buttoning up her blouse as she brushes her teeth.
Sheena points at the clothes stacked on top of each other at the corner of the room. “Diba sabi ko na sa'yo kagabi na ayusin mo na yung pinaggamitan na natin kasi dadalhin natin kanila Ate Ena bago pumunta sa celeb?”
Realization sets in as Gwen stares at the pile of clothes, “hala sorry naka–”
“Kalimutan nanaman Gwen, pang-ilang beses na 'yan?” The tone in Sheena's voice makes her wince, makes her want to rewind time just to avoid this conflict.
“Akala ko rin kasi sabay natin gagawin, you said may hinahanap ka rin na shirt eh.” She explains, trying to make sense of where the outburst is coming from when normally her wife would just gently remind her about it. “I can do it now, mabilis lang–”
Sheena shakes her head. “Hindi, malalate na tayo. Bilisan mo na diyan, ikaw na lang inaantay ko.” And walks out of the bedroom, slamming the door shut.)
“Pake ko diyan sa laundry na 'yan?” Sheena side eyes her, crossing her arms as she leans on the door. “Ang point ko here is, lagi ka na lang nakakalimot tapos lagi ka nagaassume sa mga bagay. Hindi ka nagtatanong, hindi mo ko kinakausap, inaaassume mo lang lagi–”
Her ramble cuts short by her phone ringing, 7th’s ’Kita kita’ playing and Maloi's caller ID lighting up her screen.
“Ate–”
“Kayo ba 'to sa labas? Kayo na lang inaantay Shee, pasok na kayo ni bebe”
Gwen looks around upon hearing it, seeing Maloi by the entrance of the restaurant and points at the woman, grabbing Sheena's attention.
“Ah oo, sorry nahulog kasi ni Gwen–” The woman in question raises a brow at her partner, “–phone niya, hinahanap lang namin sa car. Pasok kami in a bit.”
“Oh sige, bilisan niyo, uubusan kayo pagkain nila Staks.”
“Opo ate, love you!”
The energy in her voice stings, especially when this whole argument Sheena had been so... empty.
“Love you too!”
Then the conversation ends at just that, her front crumbling and falling apart as soon as she placed her phone down. She's about to exit the car before Gwen grabs her arm.
“Teka lang,” Gwen says pulling her by the wrist. “Pwede ayusin muna natin 'to before pumasok bebe? 'Wag naman natin sirain yung gabi nila Ate Aiah.”
Sheena looks back, frustration written all over her face at the request of the older woman. “Hinahanap na tayo, mamaya na natin pagusapan. Kaya mo naman ata magpanggap ng ilang oras diba?” She says in a monotonous voice in contrast to her once joyful one.
The latter could only just take a huge gulp and nod at the request, letting go of the arm she was holding. She tried to move fast, seeing how Sheena was about to step out of the car. She quickly jogs to the other side, despite the fact that her wife had already opened the door. She tries to compensate by opening it wider and reaching out her hand for the younger to take.
When Sheena doesn't and walks out of the car as if it was nothing, Gwen's heart breaks.
This is the first time in 7 years wherein Sheena had opened the door for herself and didn't hold Gwen's hand right after.
They're back in their apartment, dinner had gone well with the girls not noticing the tension between them.
And Gwen hates that.
If there's one thing Sheena is good at, it's hiding her true feelings with the people she encounters. Sure, she had asked if they could be okay before facing their friends so as to not ruin the night but not in this way. Not in the way Sheena's hands are all over her all throughout the night just to save their image. Not in the way Sheena would randomly kiss her like she would always do when they're not fighting. Not in the way Sheena calls her 'bebe' and 'mahal', feeling so empty and untrue–as if she wasn't any of those nicknames for her anymore.
The car ride back home was quiet, the tension thicker than before their dinner, and the silence in the air saying more words than their argument earlier.
Gwen had expected Sheena was going to continue as soon as they had said their goodbyes to their friends and they're in the comfort of their car with their stuffed toy children at the back (Sean and Gian–a bunny and koala) listening on. However, Sheena had instead given her the silent treatment. Head on the glass window and eyes closed, listening to the loud engine of the motorcycles and cars that pass them by.
So when they arrived at their home, Sheena zooming past her after she had removed her heels and mumbling a quick “Tulog na ako, goodnight.” Gwen knows this is her wife's way of trying to escape the situation, as a result she grabs Sheena's hand despite the younger's protests.
“Usap muna tayo love.” She says, trying to gently pull her closer from where she was standing.
“Ano pa ba paguusapan? Uulit at uulit naman 'yan.” Sheena replies, shaking her wrist for Gwen to let go.
“Kaya nga paguusapan diba? Para hindi na maulit?”
At this point, Gwen is losing her patience. Between the two of them, Sheena was always the one who was a bit loud during arguments per se, always biting and never holding back her thoughts and feelings no matter how she delivers them in contrast to the way she makes a facade in front of their friends when hell breaks loose at home. Although she'd like to keep her emotions at bay, wanting to be the grounded one between them, she's human too and at some point, she's fed up with the attitude.
Sheena doesn't say anything after, just a nod and it prompts her to continue. “I'm sorry because–”
“Puro na lang 'I'm sorry' Gwen, wala na bang iba?”
That's one.
Gwen takes in a deep breath, “can you please at least let me explain?”
The younger just turns around and walks her way to the kitchen, Gwen following suit not knowing where this conversation is going to go. “Ano pa ba kailangan i-explain? Nasabi mo na kanina sa kotse diba? Nakalimutan mo, nagassume ka.”
“Shee naman–”
“Aha! Isa pa,” Sheena finally turns aorund and faces the older. “You don't take initiative or 'di ka nagdedecide madalas, lagi mo inaaasa sa akin.”
That's two.
“Ang unfair naman no'n love.” Gwen sighs in defeat, she looks down on the tiled floor of their small kitchen. “I know naman na may mali ako and I know this isn't just about our stupid laund–”
“Talaga, buti alam mo. May nagawang tama rin yung pagaassume mo.”
That's three.
This is Gwen's breaking point.
She pinches the bridge of her nose, heaves a sigh, and– “Pwede ba, pasalitain mo naman ako Sheena?”
It's monotonous, firm, and a bit low compared to Sheena's outburst.
“Lagi ka na lang may satsat sa mga pagkakamali ko, oo na alam ko na! Mali ko na! Ako na yung laging lutang, laging napakawalang kwenta!”
The older finds herself pacing back and forth, a hand on her waist and the other trying to soothe the pain of the migraine growing on the side of her head.
Sheena tries to intervene, taking small steps, “hindi–”
“Hindi eh, 'yun naman ang gusto mong ipalabas diba?”
A huge part of her wants to shout and slam the door or break something, anything just to alleviate the pain she's feeling right now.
Their fights have been a bit more common nowadays, something she thought was normal until a few hours ago. It started with cleaning out the litter box, taking out the trash, making sure Mauve isn't destroying their furniture, not eating together, and now, it's laundry. Stupid. Fucking. Laundry. Which turns out isn't just the mountain of clothes sitting at the corner of their bedroom right now, but also every single little thing beneath that mountain–every single little thing from all the fights they've had the past few days.
It's tiring, too draining especially when they both just work their typical 9 to 5 jobs in the corporate world. The last thing she wants is to fight with her wife, to fight with the person who keeps her sane and the very person she deems as her rest. But here they are, fighting over something like laundry.
“Sheena alam mo,” she stops pacing around, halting in front of the mentioned person.
The younger expected that she'll be met with a gaze filled with fury and anger, one that she rarely ever sees, but was met with tear-stricken eyes instead–softened the moment she stopped in front of her. Defeated, hollow, and the feeling she feared the most, the one she would never want to see in this or any other lifetime–exhaustion.
Sheena knows Gwen is exhausted with just one look and she could only hope that whatever comes out of her partner's mouth next isn't what she thinks it is.
“I'm tired, love.”
Maybe she hoped a bit too late.
“I…” Gwen pauses, tears rolling down her cheeks as she tries to compose herself. “The only reason why I've always stayed this way is because I thought it's how I would get to keep you in this lifetime.”
The admission breaks Sheena, as the latter slowly brings her hand up to her cheeks and slowly caresses it. “You always loved taking control and spontaneity, tapos you also rarely ever tell me what you feel, nakikiramdam na lang ako madalas.”
A pause.
“Tapos when I ask naman how you feel or assume it, magagalit ka kasi nagooverthink ako and ayaw mo pagusapan,” she winces at the memory from the first time it happened. “Saan naman ako lulugar kapag ganon diba?”
Another.
“Bebe,” her voice finally cracks and you can witness how Sheena's whole facade falls apart, the anger long gone only to be replaced by the pain she feels at the sight of her lover admitting to one of her worst fears. “Pagod na ako.”
“Mahal…”
“Shhh…” she closes her eyes, not wanting to give in to her partner's pleas and attempts to reconcile. “I'm going to leave.”
Sheena stands frozen in her spot, she couldn't bring herself to stop her from leaving. She couldn't find the right words to make her stay. So, she watches. Watches and feels how Gwen's hand slowly makes it way down to her arms from her cheeks–her touch lingering like a ghost, watches and feels how Gwen's footsteps are heavier than the weight on her shoulders, watches and feels the way Gwen hesitates for a moment before finally leaving their shared home with a soft click of the door and pieces of their broken hearts lying across the floor.
It takes nearly 2 hours before Gwen returns to the apartment. She's expecting that a pile of clothes or luggages will greet her by the door, especially with the stunt she pulled earlier–which she realizes was stupid and is just grateful that Sheena hasn't changed the locks within the 2 hours she was gone. Instead, she's greeted by a clean, dark, and quiet house. Too quiet in fact that she'd normally come home to Sheena belting out a song and dancing around their living room. Too clean that the mountain of laundry they were fighting about earlier was placed inside eco bags beside the kitchen counter to take to the laundromat the next morning. And too dark that she knows Sheena isn't here, her wife had always been scared of the darkness–the reason why there's night lights at every corner of the condo.
Nonetheless, she calls out her name. Searching every room and trying to keep herself calm with every disappointment she feels when she doesn't see the 5 foot 4 tall woman in any of the rooms they have.
She was about to accept defeat until she hears the faint humming from their small balcony.
With a glimmer of hope left, Gwen slowly and silently steps out of the balcony, peeking to the side only to see Sheena sitting on a wooden chair, sipping what she could possibly guess is a cup of tea (it's what calms her the most) and staring into the void of the city skyline ahead of them.
Gwen tries not to make as much noise to not scare her wife away but ultimately fails when the sliding door creaks when she tries to close it, making Sheena look her way in shock. It is in this moment when she realizes how much she had hurt the younger woman, the way tears are still continuously rolling down her cheeks, eyes puffed up, the occasional sniffing, and the habit where she bites her nails out of anxiety.
“Hey…”
“...bumalik ka bebe.” Sheena softly says, reaching her hand out to Gwen who could only give her a short hug.
Gwen leans down to Sheena's height, the bouquet of flowers she got for the latter left sitting on the ground below her. “Of course babalik ako.” She grabs her hand and holds it, a sense of comfort giving her the strength to say the piece she had been thinking about on the way home. “Nagpromise ako sa'yo diba?”
“Akala ko–”
“Ako muna,” Gwen says, removing the bracelet from her wrist and holds it to Sheena's eye level. “Hanggang dulo, sabi ko sa'yo nandito lang ako. I said it May 22 2019, at exactly 6:19 in the evening, just when the sun had set. Kaya yun yung naka-engrave dito sa bracelets natin diba?”
She looks up at the younger, her strength and walls finally breaking at the sight of her lover trying to hold it together. “This... this is the life I want with you okay Shee? Eto na 'yon, hindi babawiin, hindi iiwanan. Mahal kita sobra kaya I'm here right now, apologizing.” She swallows the lump that's been stuck in her throat. “I'm sorry kasi I know I'm not the perfect wife, sobrang takot lang talaga ako love.”
Her partner takes in a sharp inhale, “takot saan? Bakit?”
The questions lead to her breakdown, the waterworks finally breaking through the dam she'd been meticulously trying to reinforce throughout the past few days.
“I…”
A beat.
“Takot ako baka hindi mo na ako mahalin 'pag nagbago ako, bebe.”
Another.
“Hindi ko kayang mawala ka sa akin, sabi ko pa sa sarili ko, lahat na lang–gaguhin na ako ng mundo, 'wag ka lang kunin sa akin. Baka paggising mo tapos ma-realize mo na hindi na ako yung Gwen na minahal mo biglang magbaba–”
“Shh…” Sheena pulls Gwen closer, grabbing her by the neck and cradling her as a means of comfort.
Sheena has never been the best at words, a fact that their friends tease her about especially when they were writing down their vows. Sure she can be witty like Jhoanna doing the most random poetry but words like the ones Gwen uses in their everyday life, sweet-nothings she gets to hear everyday for free, it was never her expertise. She was only ever good with them when they would fight–and not for a good reason too.
So, to hear all of this coming out of the Gwen Apuli? She knows she fucked up, she knows she hasn't been the best partner, she knows she's been making her carry all this weight only to realize it should be the both of them. It's heartbreaking for her too, but the breakdown, seeing that Gwen rarely ever does so, makes her want to rip her heart out of her ribcage and punish herself for putting her through all that pain.
“Mahal pa rin kita kahit maging sino ka 'man, bebe.”
It takes a few more seconds before Sheena finds her words, the thought of holding Gwen like this for this reason clouding her head.
“I'm sorry okay? Hindi ko rin namalayan sa sarili ko na ganon na rin trato ko sa'yo okay?”
The apology makes Gwen cry even more, in between the sniffling is whispered sorry's and explanations that Sheena can't quite understand because of how she knew they both were just at their wit's end. Too anxious at the thought that one or the other is going to leave. And they stayed there, until their breathing has evened, the tea has gone cold, and the breeze of the cold night has finally got them.
“I love you, mahal kita, dito lang tayo.”
Later on that night, Sheena lies awake with Gwen in her arms. Between them, the older was the one who loved being babied, loved being the smaller spoon; however, this also meant she was the one who would quickly stir awake at the way her wife's heartbeat quickens its pace or the way her breathing pattern changes. So, that's exactly what happens: Sheena trying to physically shake her thoughts away just to fall asleep.
“Bebe, tulog na. I'm here lang.” Gwen's sleepy and saccharine laced voice fills up the room, her fingers playing with the lace of Sheena's (her) hoodie.
Sheena brings her hand up to brush Gwen's short hair, a way to lull her back to sleep without having to exactly ruin the 8-hour rest she always needs to function properly the next day. Her lover, however, removes the said hand, wrapping it around her waist as she holds it.
Gwen knows her too well. “Antayin na kita.”
Honestly speaking, she's still awake because of the argument earlier. Who would've thought that they’d nearly broken up because of dirty linen? Nonetheless, despite them beating the odds and realizing how stupid it was, she can't help but think about the things her wife had said. The things she herself said. How was she ever supposed to make it up to her? It seems as though this is a scar, a scab that she's going to pick on every chance she gets, an unremovable stain on their clothes that she'll nonstop rub just to keep it clean.
In short, it's going to haunt her.
Gwen had reassured her with plenty of kisses and cuddles earlier, along with making a list on the whiteboard that was in her office and placing it on their kitchen counter for her to remember. A compromise she initiated to avoid misunderstandings and conflicts like these in the future. It was more of a man vs. self moment for her at this point, regretting the words she let go and the pain she'd cause and can't quite remove.
There's an urge for her to say it, but can't swallow her pride enough to admit such and to have her wife lose sleep because of her own actions. So, this is the best she can do;
“Mamahalin mo pa rin ba ako kahit ipis ako?”
A beat.
Gwen lifts her head, “ipis?”
Sheena could only nod, biting her lip. “Ipis, as in cockroach ganon.”
“Uhh…” She puts her head down again, hand still holding Sheena's that was placed on her waist. “No...? Bebe, you know how I don't like ipis.”
“Ah so hindi mo na ako love?”
“Ha? Hindi.”
“Hindi?”
“Oo, hindi.” Sheena feels the weight lift from her chest as her partner repositions by sitting down and facing her. “I love you so much. Way too much. Mahal kita sobra pa sa sobra Sheena Mae Apuli-Catacutan. Gets mo?”
“Gets.”
Gwen brushes the stray strands of her hair behind her ear, her hand resting on her cheeks as she finishes. “So, ano ngayon gumugulo sa isip mo?”
Her wife knows her too well.
The younger tries to swallow the words stuck in her throat, a last resort to be able to actually say it this time. “What if... wala ka na dito paggising ko?”
“My love,”
“Kasi diba sabi mo pagod ka na kanina tapos naisip ko lang baka sobrang temporary lang nito for us tapos the next time na manyare,” she spews out, missing the way Gwen is looking at her with a small smile on her face and the fact that she'd just tried to get her attention. “Wala ka na? Iiwan mo na ako, ganon.”
The older waits for a few seconds, “tapos ka na?”
“Opo.”
Then she lets out a chuckle, “my love, I told you I'll be here. I made a promise, a vow, that no matter what, kahit ano pa pagawayan natin, ano 'man sumubok na paghiwalayin tayo, gagawa at gagawa ako ng paraan para hindi manyare 'yon, okay? Hindi kita papakawalan at hindi kita iiwanan. Hindi ko kaya, ikaw lang naman nagpapatibok ng puso ko, paano na kapag nawala ka edi sinong bubuhay sa akin?”
“Eh…”
“Sheena Mae, look at me.” She uses both of her hands to guide the aforementioned's head to face her, tears yet again threatening to escape. “Nandito ako paggising mo, I can promise you that everyday. Ikaw at si Mauve lang uuwian ko, everyday. Yung mga sunog na luto mo lang kakainin ko habang buhay. Kahit araw-arawin ko pa yung laundry na 'yan. Basta ikaw, ikaw lang mahal ko. Ikaw lang gusto ko sa buhay na 'to at sa mga susunod pa 'man.”
There's a pause, as if it was to give time for her wife to process the word vomit she had just let out.
“Mahal.”
She returns a non-committal hum, moving to give Sheena a kiss on the forehead.
“Ganito lang tayo ha?” Sheena says, wrapping her arms around the older's neck and massaging her nape. “Magaaway, magbabati kahit hindi na nagkakaintindihan, cuddles na ulit, palakihin ng mabuting sila Mauve, Gian, at Sean, tapos pwede rin magaway ulit over something stupid. Basta ulit-ulit lang, kahit yung mundo na mismo magsawa sa atin.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? As in, ganon lang?”
Gwen nods, planting another kiss on Sheena's forehead. “Fight, make up, love each other, raise our kids, repeat.” Then plants another one on her temple. “Live a normal life. That's what I want with you anyways.”
Sheena's brows furrow, “hindi ba chaotic 'yon?”
“Nope.” She then lays down beside her, “it's a normal life. That's how I want it. 'Yun lang naman talaga hiling ko ever since.” She then drags her wife to lie on top of her, opposite to their position earlier. “Ikaw at ako, hanggang sa susunod na habang buhay.”
The younger looks up, “promise?”
“Promise. Basta ako lang din pipiliin mo, araw-araw.”
“Ikaw lang naman talaga, bebe.”
Sheena was never good with her words, Gwen was always the one who would compensate for that part of her, but she was amazing in consistency. She was always the one who showed it through affection and actions towards the love of her life. So, despite the awkward position she's in, one that she isn't exactly used to, she reaches her hand to massage Gwen's scalp.
“Ma–”
“I love you too.”
Gwen always understood what her actions and affection meant anyways.
(The next morning, Gwen wakes up to a cold bed and the smell of burnt pancakes. The moment she steps out of the bedroom, she's greeted by the chaos that is Mauve about to scratch the hell out of their pristine couch and Sheena's annoyance;
“Mahal, hindi mo nanaman nilinis yung litterbox kahapon.”
Fight. Make up. Love. Raise the kids. Repeat.
They're going to be fine. This is their normal life.)