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“do you want to join me in the fall dance performance?”
it’s october, only the second month after mizuki started high school. her classmates haven’t been very friendly towards her and her “weird outfits”, though she did manage to make a friend – an shiraishi.
an have been quite friendly towards mizuki, despite most other people in the school being weirded out by mizuki’s trans identity. although she’s part of the disciplinary committee at kamiyama high, she understand why mizuki would want to skip school and only make at most jokes about mizuki’s horrible attendance.
“my dance partner that was supposed to be here decided to move away from shibuya, so now i’m on my own. please, i need your help!” an texted again.
mizuki felt very conflicted about this because on one hand, they like being around an (she gives them some sort of queer vibe to them). on the other hand, she’s really uncomfortable with her own body because of… gender dysphoria.
finally, mizuki texted back.
“okay, i’ll be there~”
mizuki sat back in their chair and hugged tight to their blahaj as the implications of their decision washed over them.
they’re going to have to dance.
in front of the whole class.
in this body.
what have i done?
“then see you next morning! we’re going to slay this performance!”
“okay, let’s start learning this song that the teacher picked for us”, an started. “mizuki, have you had prior dance experience?”
“not really. i- i don’t really know how to dance.” mizuki said, trying to hide their nervousness.
“well, it’s okay! it’ll be our first time, and we’ll have a lot of fun. first, let’s do some warming up actions.”
the two students proceeded to do some warmups. as mizuki watched an touch the tip of her toe with ease, they can’t help but to feel a tinge of jealousy – they can only reach down to their shin. during the other exercises, they noticed that they lack a significant amount of grace that an had. even worse, as they moved their arms backwards to stretch them out, they can feel the flatness of their chest, while an moved in front of them, having the body they can only dream of. but soon, warmups is over.
“now it’s time to actually learn the dance! first, let me play the video for you on my phone.”
as they watched on in the video, even more overwhelming fear takes over mizuki’s heart.
this seems so incredibly difficult… i’m- i’m going to make a fool of myself. oh, damn it, why did i agree to this, why, why, why? i can’t say no to an now, can’t i.
“okay, let’s start with the first few counts. should i demonstrate it a bit first?”
mizuki nodded and smiled, trying to hide the fact that they’re panicking inside.
“okay, like this.” an moved smoothly, like a wave in the ocean, passing from one side of the body to the other. it seemed like it was natural to her as her ability to breathe.
now, it’s mizuki’s turn. they tried to lift their left arms slightly up, and then the right, and then back to the left. but, it’s nothing like what an’s movement was like. an’s movement was a smooth, sinusoidal motion. mizuki’s wave is shaped like a vibrating triangle.
“hey mizuki. you’re doing a lot of things right, but you should try to relax your muscles and move other parts of your body in addition to your arm as well! think of it as passing energy from one side to the other, and then back again.
as mizuki tried to imitate an’s instructions and think of energy passing through their body, they started to get the hang of it, until that energy started to fade away, away, away, until it reached their chest, when it completely disappeared and mizuki is once again made aware of how alien their own body feels.
“are you okay, mizuki?, you look uncomfortable.” an asked mizuki with a concerned frown.
“yeah, i’m okay, don’t worry about it,” said mizuki, as their forced out a smile.
“well, it’s almost time to school. are you going to come today, or are you going to go home? i’ll understand either way.”
“sorry, i don’t feel like going today. see you tomorrow.”
mizuki quickly walked home, and crawled into bed with their headphones and kanade’s music.
how am i going to pull this off? how am i going to dance with this body, when it’s not even mine?
i… i don’t even enjoy dancing. why did i say yes?
the next morning, mizuki and an had practice again. they managed to learn a bit further in the song. but, mizuki still had the same problem.
“mizuki, you’re still too stiff. please, relax your body. it’s okay! dancing is supposed to be a fun activity.”
mizuki had to resist the thought of telling an:
“there is nothing fun in this. get me out of here!”
a few weeks later, they finally managed to learn the whole song, but they still had to polish it up a bit.
“mizuki, i don’t get it. you got all the movements and everything, but i don’t know why, because it just feels like you’re… really stiff. it’s like you’re being pulled by a string and forced to perform, in a way. i don’t really know how to help you further with the dance.”
oh no, she figured it out. oh no. i thought i could’ve gotten away with it. now-
“well, um… like i said, i had no prior experience… so”
“no, it really feels like, something else is holding you back. it feels like… you’re too scared to make the moves you needed to make.”
mizuki took a deep breath, and said, “well, i didn’t want to tell you this, but i’ve been really uncomfortable learning this dance. i see your feminine movement and everything and i get very jealous compared to… whatever i have here. i just feel so alienated, an. i don’t think i’m supposed to be here.”
“well, mizuki, you should’ve told me that earlier.” an responded. “but don’t say that you don’t belong here. i think you’re doing great, memorizing all the movements and doing them at the right time. i get that you feel very dysphoric about yourself but when i see you, i see you as who you identify. don’t be afraid, because even though i have all these feminine traits that you think would make me be more like a girl, you are equally as valid and as girly as me. you get what i mean?”
“i… sorry. i just had to get that out.”
“i’m glad you got that out.”
it’s the day of the performance.
“we got this mizuki! we got this!”
“mizuki nodded in return with a smile.”
as mizuki moved across the room in their own twist of the choreography, they still felt the dysphoria deep in their heart, threatening to annihilate the energy of the dance following through them. but they know that this emptiness is not absolute. just for a moment, they broke through the climax of the song as they flied through the ascending and descending melodies. until, finally, her body no longer is that alienating thing that they despised, but the body in their dream that herwished they had. in that moment, they were mizuki, and they were dancing, and that’s the only things that mattered.
when the music stopped, the emptiness began to come back again. but they knew they have achieved something special despite the doubts they had for themselves.