Archive of Our Own

When Inumaki Toge was seventeen he met Okkotsu Yuuta. 

Okkotsu Yuuta who shuffled into the classroom with his head bowed, as though the thick, menacing aura of cursed energy around him was weighing him down. His presence was almost suffocating, a dark cloud of power that seemed to dim the very light in the room, casting an oppressive shadow over them.

He wore the standard Jujutsu High uniform, but his appearance set him apart. His black hair, slightly disheveled, contrasted sharply with his pale skin, giving him a ghostly, almost ethereal look. His eyes, dark and haunted, were filled with so much yet so little emotions, making it hard for anyone to meet his gaze not that this Yuuta wanted to. The white jacket and trousers of his uniform were impeccably clean, yet he wore them with a detached air as if he were merely a shadow drifting through. The edges of his sleeves and collar were slightly frayed, a testament to his anxious habit of tugging at them repeatedly. His face, marked by a slight gauntness, spoke of sleepless nights and the weight of burdens far beyond his years.

Toge had been exposed to enough peril to recognize true danger when he saw one. The moment Yuuta Okkotsu entered the room, Toge's instincts flared. A warning.

Fight, Toge. 

Every fiber of his being screamed that Okkotsu Yuuta was a threat, a danger like no other.

And he was right. 

This Okkotsu Yuuta had a curse wrapped around his finger, or perhaps it was the other way around. The dark, malevolent energy clung to him, a constant, oppressive presence.

Yet, Toge wouldn't call Yuuta himself a curse right off the bat. He understood all too well what it meant to be a living curse. That burden was his own to bear, an inescapable part of his existence. The weight of his cursed speech, the isolation it brought, the way people recoiled in fear—all of it made him painfully aware of what it meant to embody a curse. 

But Yuuta was different. Somehow he just knows he is different. There was a vulnerability beneath his power, a haunted look in his eyes that spoke of suffering and an unyielding will to protect.

After the commotion settled, Yuuta was swiftly whisked away by their sensei, Gojo Satoru, whose relaxed demeanor belied his keen awareness of the situation. As Yuuta and Maki departed, Toge watched them leave, a mixture of relief and curiosity swirling within him. The chaos of the earlier battle still lingered in the air, but Toge's mind was elsewhere. 

The sun cast long shadows on the training grounds, and the distant sounds of Yuuta and Maki's footsteps faded away. In the quiet that followed, the echoes of Yuuta's presence lingered in the room. Toge couldn't fully shake off the unease, his instincts still on high alert. 

He made a mental note to get to know the other better another time, perhaps there was more to him than met the eye. 

Something was compelling about Yuuta Okkotsu, a complexity that tugged at Toge's curiosity despite the warnings and the disaster about to fall.

The opportunity to get to know Yuuta better didn't come easily, nor did it come immediately. Despite being in the same class, their paths rarely align. Toge would often arrive late or just before the bell, missing the chance to ‘talk’ before classes. After their so-called lectures, Toge would either be called away for a mission, or Gojo-sensei would whisk Yuuta off for briefings and training.

Not to mention Yuuta's apparent unease around Toge. Whenever their eyes met, Yuuta would quickly avert his gaze, almost as if he were afraid. Even simple interactions like accidentally bumping into each other would send Yuuta into a frenzy of apologies as if he feared Toge's reaction. 

One time, Yuuta had picked up an eraser that had fallen from Toge's desk, and their fingers brushed when he returned it. Yuuta literally shrieked a ‘yipp!’ and did not look in his direction for the rest of the day. 

So scratch that. It was clear as day to Toge that Yuuta harbored an inexplicable fear or at the very least discomfort around him. 

Okkotsu Yuuta is scared of Inumaki Toge.

And this observation wasn't just a baseless assumption. Toge couldn't help but notice that while Yuuta seemed almost eager to bond with their other peers, his attempts to get close to Toge were met with apprehension. It would have been comical to be feared by a special grade if it weren't for the underlying tension and the desire Toge felt to bridge the gap between them.

Fortunately, Toge is betting that Gojo-sensei with his six eyes took notice of his current predicament and decided to send Yuuta with him on this mission. 

A chance.

Maki and Yuuta were training on the field, their movements a blur of precision and power under the bright afternoon sun. The rhythmic sound of their weapons clashing and the occasional grunt of effort filled the air, creating a symphony of disciplined combat. He and Panda sat on the paved stairs, the stone cool beneath them, watching intently.

Since Yuuta’s first mission, he had shown remarkable growth, gradually becoming more accustomed to his jujutsu life. His adaptability was on another level, a reflection of his resilience and determination that was hard to miss. There was a newfound confidence in his stance, a sharper focus in his eyes even when the bags remained. Yet, despite his progress, there was one area where Yuuta still struggled—his interactions with Toge.

With Maki and Panda, Yuuta was almost at ease, able to offer his awkward laugh and join in on their jokes. Their camaraderie wasn’t fully developed yet, but it was growing, evident in the moments filled with shared smiles and lighthearted banter. These interactions, though still budding, obviously provided a sense of comfort and connection for Yuuta amidst the challenges of his new jujutsu life. 

However, around Toge, Yuuta’s demeanor changed. He was always on edge, his shoulders tense with every glance they exchanged. It was as if Toge's presence alone could stir a storm within him.

Toge would often catch Yuuta’s eye, only to sense the spike in his cursed energy, a raw pulse of unease and apprehension. Yuuta’s ‘fear’ of him was almost palpable, a mixture of respect and trepidation. Perhaps the problem lies in Toge’s eyes, the silent command— intimidation, that unnerved Yuuta.

Each look they shared felt charged with unspoken words, a silent communication to Toge but something Yuuta couldn’t fully understand.

As they prepared for their mission, Toge couldn't help but notice Yuuta's familiar anxious demeanor. It wasn't the first time he had seen Yuuta like this, but this time, there was a difference. Toge had hoped to be the one to make Yuuta feel at ease for their first mission together, but in his efforts to comfort him, he inadvertently triggered another apology. Truly, this was getting really sad. 

Toge tries not to talk to him for the entire duration of their car ride to give Yuuta the time to compose himself, especially after Gojo-sensei drops another bomb at him. The latter was not exactly subtle in expressing his newly found distress so he decided to try during or after their mission instead.

Toge could see now clearly why he thought Yuuta was different from him. 

After all, it doesn’t take much to know.

For someone stripped of all the good things in life, Yuuta finds goodness in everything. For someone unjustly thrust into his current plight, Yuuta moves forward with relentless determination. For someone afraid, Yuuta was brave to stand up for someone. For someone deprived of love, Yuuta has so much love to give.

There was something different about having Yuuta as his support, something Toge couldn't quite put a name on. 

Perhaps it was the exhilaration of protecting someone and actually being able to do it, or the unfamiliar yet comforting feeling of someone fighting by his side. Toge didn't know for sure. Because in a sense, Toge has always been the one needed to protect but not once did he ever feel the need to be protected. Protecting is his. It was what he was meant to do, not the other way around. 

But then there comes Okkotsu Yuuta.  Yuuta who offered his hand for him to take. Yuuta who carried him out of danger. Yuuta who apologized for a minor injury he didn’t cause. Yuuta who was willing to fight alongside him.

It was most natural for Toge to be alone, to fight by himself, to fight for himself. So the moment an anomaly in the name of Okkotsu Yuuta walked in, all Toge knows is that he found a craving he didn't know he wanted. He never knew he needed someone beside him. He never knew there was a space to fill, to begin with.  

The smile Yuuta had after was almost blinding. It was the first time Toge saw Yuuta smile, one that was neither polite nor nervous. It was the first time it was ever directed to him and only him. 

It was then Toge swore, it was the smile he would protect with his life. It was then Toge swore Okkotsu Yuuta was meant to reach greater things. It was then Toge swore he would give everything to make it happen.

In contrast to the patience Toge had to muster in waiting for an opportunity to get close to Yuuta, the moment for him to step up and support Yuuta arrived fast, almost unexpectedly. It only took the uncharted territory of their sensei’s soul, his  ‘fallen ally’, his best friend. 

Suguru Geto. December 24, 2017. The Night Parade of a Hundred Demons.

Everything happened in a blur. One moment he and Panda were fighting relentlessly against an unending surge of curses and the next they found themselves suddenly yanked by their collars, whisked away in a blur of motion as they were teleported back to the school grounds.

All toge actually heard were Yuuta, Maki, and danger . It was enough for him to put the puzzle pieces together and grasp the gravity of the situation. He  doesn’t remember either the sequence of their fight with Geto. All that was racing through his mind was that he needed to get Maki into safety. He needed to protect Yuuta. 

When he finally snapped back to reality, he found himself and Panda hurtling towards Maki's position. In the blink of an eye, a deafening blast sent him tumbling, crashing onto the unforgiving, hard ground. The pain was excruciating; he could feel his bones screaming in protest, the warmth of his blood seeping through his wounds. Every instinct told him to succumb to the darkness creeping at the edges of his consciousness. But he couldn't.

He couldn’t.

He couldn’t because he could feel Yuuta’s footsteps drawing near and the panic gripped his heart as the familiar sound echoed through the silence.

He couldn’t because he could faintly hear Yuuta’s voice calling out for them, a haunting melody, a plea entwined with desperation that tore at his resolve.

He wouldn’t hesitate, not now, not when he had to get Yuuta away from here. Away from the looming danger. Away from the cruel battlefield that threatened to consume them all. Away from Geto.

“Yuuta. Run away.”

He tried to imbue every last bit of cursed energy he possibly could. Truly, he tried. Yet, despite his best efforts, there was nothing left to give.

It was the first time Inumaki Toge’s cursed speech did not work on someone. The words that had always obeyed him now hung silently in the air, a cruel twist of fate when he needed them most. It was a bitter realization, a sharp pang of helplessness as he watched his power slip away just when he needed it to save the person he wanted to save the most.

It was the first time Inumaki Toge called a name that wasn’t his own. He had long believed names to be his poison, yet 'Yuuta' rolled off his tongue with a strange sweetness, almost intoxicating, even as the taste of copper lingered in his mouth.

He would have regretted it. He would have regretted the consequences of calling the name he had longed for. But in that fleeting moment, what room was there for regret? For the first time, he spoke a name that resonated within him, a lifeline in the midst of chaos.

In the end, Yuuta had won. He had won with the help of Rika at the possible cost of himself. Toge couldn’t help but wonder then. If Rika had been like any other curse, at what cause would they have won?

Still, perhaps that night ended the best way it possibly could despite the necessary losses and sacrifices. 

Yuuta had freed Rika, the same way he had freed himself from their past.  And Toge was truly happy for them. But if his happiness bore deeper into something he refuses to name. He played the part of obliviousness, concealing the desire that dared not surface, desperately trying to guard his heart.

So really, for Toge, it wasn’t love at first sight. 

It wasn't love at first sight, but rather a spark of curiosity that started the moment they met. A spark that drew him in, compelling him to learn more, to understand the depths and nuances of the person before him. A curiosity that whispers and shouts, "I want to know you. Break down your boundaries for me. Share your hidden scars, your dreams, and your fears. Reveal every inch of yourself to me. Let me in. I want to cherish every fragment of your being." It's tender yet fiercely passionate, a blend of gentle desire and wild intensity. It was a fascination that grew steadily until it transcended mere attraction and blossomed into something deeper and more meaningful.

Ha. Blossomed .

Toge remembers clearly the day the flowers rooted to his throat began to blossom. 

As they sat side by side in the sleek black car, Toge couldn't shake the nervous flutter in his chest. It was like déjà vu, a flashback to their first-year missions, yet everything felt different now. Yuuta's easy laughter filled the air, a stark contrast to the tense silence that had once hung between them.

Glimpses of Africa spilled from Yuuta's lips, his words weaving tales of adventure and discovery. Despite having heard these stories during their nightly calls, Toge found himself captivated by the animated expressions that danced across Yuuta's face.

But as Yuuta's gaze met his own, Toge felt a surge of warmth spread through him, mingled with a tinge of apprehension. It was unsettling, this newfound ease between them as if the walls that had once separated them had crumbled away to reveal the raw vulnerability beneath.

Unable to meet Yuuta's eyes, Toge focused instead on the passing scenery outside the car window, the world blurred by his racing thoughts. This mission was supposed to be routine, yet somehow it felt like stepping into uncharted territory, a journey into the depths of their own tangled emotions.

Toge couldn't shake the bewilderment that lingered in his mind like a persistent fog. What did Miguel feed his best friend for him to grow the way he is now? What was in the African air to be able to transform Yuuta into this striking figure who now sat beside him, tall, slightly tanned, and undeniably handsome?

Yuuta's transformation was nothing short of remarkable, his once boyish features now sharpened by the passage of time and the weight of his experiences. His presence beside Toge in the backseat of the car was both comforting and disconcerting, his proximity sending a flurry of butterflies fluttering in Toge's stomach.

There was an undeniable magnetism to Yuuta's newfound aura, a magnetic pull that drew Toge in like a moth to a flame the same way it did before. His tall stature seemed to tower over Toge, yet the warmth in his gaze that spoke of an unspoken connection between them remained.

When Toge tackled Yuuta the moment he stepped out of the car upon his return, he was taken aback by the unexpected strength of the embrace that enveloped him. For a fleeting moment, he wondered if his mind was playing tricks on him, conjuring up fantasies of muscles where there were none before. But as Yuuta gently released him and he took a step back, it was not in fact just his imagination.

Yuuta stood before him, clad in the familiar school uniform that seemed to have undergone a number of transformations, hugging his frame in all the right places as if it had been tailor-made for him. His once-tousled hair now cascaded in sleek waves, framing his features with a newfound sense of refinement. The height difference between them was now more pronounced, perhaps a testament to the inches Yuuta had undoubtedly gained during his time away or the ones Toge failed to gain.

But it wasn't just Yuuta's physical appearance that had undergone a metamorphosis. There was a palpable shift in the air around him, a sense of confidence and self-assurance that radiated from every part of his body. Gone was the boy filled with anxiety and uncertainty; in his place stood a young man who met their gazes head-on, his eyes with a darker shade under.

As they made their way through the dorms, Toge couldn't help but marvel at them. Yuuta's strides were imbued with a newfound confidence, his movements graceful yet purposeful as he navigated the corridors with familiar ease. 

Oh. Yuuta was home. Finally. Home.

Toge snapped back to reality as they arrived at the abandoned shopping center, he couldn't shake the feeling of unease that settled like a heavyweight in the pit of his stomach. This was supposed to be just another mission, just another day in the life of a sorcerer. And yet, with Yuuta by his side, it felt like so much more.

As Toge and Yuuta ventured deeper into the abandoned shopping center, their footsteps echoed against the dilapidated walls. Despite Toge's initial unease, working alongside Yuuta felt natural. With each passing moment, he found himself slipping into the familiar rhythm of their teamwork as if Yuuta had never left his side.  

Life always felt easier when Yuuta was around,

The mission unfolded much like any other, with twists and turns that kept them on their toes yet ultimately proved manageable. The higher-ups had once again intentionally underestimated the severity of the curse, but the two of them had grown accustomed to it. Besides, they are stronger now and together they are unstoppable.

If Toge was in awe about the changes in Yuuta’s appearance and aura. He was even more fascinated by the way he fought. With a grace that seemed almost otherworldly, Yuuta didn’t even need Rika by his side. His katana moved with a proficiency that made it look effortless as if he were merely slicing the tofu they had added to their miso soup that morning.

Every slash, every movement was a testament to Yuuta’s growth and strength. Toge watched, his pride swelling with each precise strike. Yuuta had improved so much, his skills honed to perfection. It was more than Toge had ever dared to hope for, even though he had always believed in Yuuta’s potential. 

Toge had never doubted Yuuta, with or without the queen of curses. In his eyes, Yuuta was strong, perhaps the strongest of them all, second only to their sensei. But standing there, watching Yuuta in action, Toge felt something more—a deep admiration that bordered on something far more profound. Yuuta was not just a comrade; he was someone extraordinary, someone Toge couldn’t help but cherish.

The last tendrils of cursed energy dissipated, leaving behind a heavy silence punctuated by the distant chirping of crickets. Toge could see the visible relief that washed over Yuuta, a stark contrast to the adrenaline that had been coursing through him moments earlier. 

He raised his hand, palm facing Toge, a single finger extended upwards – a silent message they'd shared during their countless missions together in their first year. High fives, a secret language born from the first chaos they'd faced together. It was a simple gesture, yet the sting on his palm, the warmth of Yuuta’s hand, and the lingering touch made it all special for Toge. It was a symbol that they did it and made it out alive together after all. 

Toge's breath hitched as he saw the familiar sign. It was the first time Yuuta had used it since his return, and Toge felt a warmth bloom in his chest. His heart, usually a steady drumbeat, fluttered erratically. Not just because they'd won, but because Yuuta remembered. He remembered their bond, their shared language, a silent promise whispered in the face of danger. A ghost of a smile played on Toge's lips. 

The veil was lifted, but instead of heading straight back to the dorms, Yuuta told Ijichi-san to head back first. When Toge tilted his head in question, Yuuta just flashed a wide grin and took him by the hand, leading him back towards the street market they'd passed earlier.

"We haven't spent much time together since I returned," Yuuta said, his voice warm. "I hope you don't mind, Inumaki-kun."

Toge's grip tightened around Yuuta's hand, a silent protest. “ Toge. You promised to call me Toge when you return, Yuuta .”

A blush crept up Yuuta's neck of embarrassment, one of the things that didn't change. "Right, of course." He cleared his throat, feeling a nervous flutter in his stomach.

"Toge."

The setting sun cast long shadows as they weaved through the bustling market, the air thick with the scent of spices and sizzling street food. 

They stopped first at a smoky yakitori stall, the aroma of grilled chicken hanging heavy in the air. Toge signed "two," his eyes sparkling with anticipation. The vendor, a weathered man with a booming voice, expertly skewered two portions of chicken. As they savored the salty, smoky goodness, Toge nudged Yuuta towards a brightly colored stall overflowing with mochi.

Rainbow-colored balls of sweet rice dough glistened under the warm lights. Yuuta couldn't help but laugh at the sight. Toge pointed at every flavor which earned him a questioning glance from the former.

“Are we buying it for Gojo-sensei and the others?” Yuuta questioned, amusement lacing his voice.

Toge, a playful grin etching lines on his face, formed his reply. "I heard Gojo-sensei say he craved mochi before we left. This one," he tapped a vibrantly colored ball, "is mine to flaunt tomorrow. Maybe share some with the first years too." Yuuta sighed, a fond smile betraying his exasperation at Toge's sly tactics.

They continued their mini-food trip through the market. They stopped for fluffy takoyaki, the savory octopus balls exploding with flavor in their mouths. Toge once again baffled how Yuuta was able to stuff his mouth with steaming takoyaki when he himself had to blow it for a good minute before he could eat. 

“It wasn't that hot, Toge. You just have a sensitive tongue.”

“It was fresh out of the pan when you ate it. It was literally steaming.”

“You know, they say people with sensitive tongues are bad kissers.”

The urge to sign “want to try it out” was strong but inappropriate. So instead, Toge gathered all his willpower and signed, “What are you trying to imply?”

“Oh. Nothing! Nothing at all, Inu-Toge. I just randomly remembered. Shall we go ahead?” 

Toge couldn't do anything but nod. After walking a bit further Yuuta suddenly pulled him towards a smaller stall nestled between a fruit vendor and a steaming pot of ramen. A simple white banner with bold black kanji declared it an "Onigiri-ya" – a rice ball shop. This was Toge's true haven.

Before Toge could even sign his order, Yuuta, with a knowing grin, was already placing one for each flavor available.

 "Should've started here," Yuuta chuckled, "but couldn't find one earlier. Hope you have enough room, Toge?” 

Toge, his eyes gleaming with delight, signed a single, emphatic word. "Always.”

The last sliver of the sun dipped below the horizon, cloaking Jujutsu High in a tranquil twilight. The courtyard, bathed in the soft glow of a rising moon, echoed with the fading echoes of their laughter. It would have been a perfect day, etched into Toge's memory as one of his best, if not for the unsettling feeling that gnawed at him as he and Yuuta parted ways for the night. 

"Nothing good lasts forever," a voice whispered in the back of his mind, a stark contrast to the warmth that had settled in his chest from the day's events.

He padded towards his room, the familiar ache in his throat a dull throb. It was odd, he hadn't needed the cough syrup during their mission or their outing, but he chalked it up to a late-arriving aftereffect. Toge took a quick bath first and changed into his panda-printed pajamas, a pair of oversized sweatshirts and shorts that Panda had gifted him for his birthday last year. As he stood in front of the sink, he reached into the cabinet, his fingers brushing the familiar pink bottle adorned with cartoon strawberries. A wave of relief washed over him as he popped the cap and downed the syrupy liquid in a single gulp.

A strangled cough escaped his throat, but it was not the usual crimson-tainted porcelain that came into view. Nestled there, a splash of vibrant purple against the stark white, were a few blossoms, with the same color as his eyes, their edges tinged with the faintest blush of red.  

Lilacs. The first emotion of love.

Love, for Inumaki Toge, wasn't a whispered "like '' shared over a stolen onigiri with Maki, nor the comfortable understanding that bloomed between him and Panda. While he may not have been well-versed in the intricacies of it, he had learned enough to recognize love when it took root within him. After all, the only love he had ever known beyond platonic was the one taught to him by a certain special-grade sorcerer. It was an intense, consuming affection that defied the boundaries of mere friendship.

When they first parted ways, Toge had clung to the hope that distance would be a cure for his budding feelings. Maybe, he'd naively thought, the gnawing ache in his chest would fade with each passing mile. Maybe the relentless echo of his unspoken feelings wouldn't reverberate so loudly across the vast distance. He was wrong. Utterly and ridiculously wrong.

How foolish it was to fall in love with the person you called your best friend. 

How foolish Inumaki Toge was.

Toge stared at the mirror, his breath coming in short, ragged gasps. A crimson smear stained the corner of his lips, a stark contrast to his pale skin. His eyes were wide with disbelief, his mind racing to make sense of the situation. He had heard of this before. Hanahaki disease—it was supposed to be a myth, a romanticized legend from old folklore. But now, as he felt the sharp, floral tendrils coiling in his chest, he couldn’t deny the reality of it.

He leaned forward, gripping the edge of the sink for support. The pain in his chest was unlike anything he had ever experienced, a cruel combination of heartache and physical agony. He coughed again, violently, and this time, he could clearly see the delicate flower fall from his lips, landing in the sink with a soft, almost innocent flutter.

They were beautiful in their own right, but their presence here, now, was anything but. Each petal was a reminder of his unspoken love, a manifestation of the feelings he had buried deep within his heart.

Hanahaki disease, as the legends went, was a curse of unrequited love. Those afflicted would begin to cough up flowers, their bodies betraying the depth of their longing. If the love remained unreturned, the flowers would continue to grow, eventually consuming the victim from the inside out. The only cures were to either have the love reciprocated or to undergo surgery that would remove the flowers but also erase all feelings of love.

Toge had always thought it was just a story, something to be whispered about but never actually experienced. He never imagined he would be standing here, grappling with the very real consequences of his own unspoken desires.

As another wave of pain surged through him, Toge clutched his chest, his mind racing back to the moments he shared with Yuta. Every smile, every laugh, every touch—they all played in a painful loop, taunting him with what he could never have. He had been so careful, so determined to keep his feelings hidden, but it seemed his heart had other plans.

He stumbled out of the bathroom, his vision blurring as tears filled his eyes. He needed to find a way to stop this, to somehow overcome the affliction that was threatening to tear him apart. But how could he possibly confess his feelings to Yuta? How could he risk their friendship, the one stable, precious thing in his life? 

There was also Rika.

The thought of her brought a fresh wave of pain to Toge’s already aching heart. Rika, the Queen of Curses. Rika, Yuuta’s first love. 

Yuuta had claimed he had moved on, that he had let go of the past, but Toge knew better. He had seen the way Yuuta still touched the ring, the way his fingers brushed over the smooth metal when he thought no one was looking. The ring was a constant presence, a silent reminder of a love that had once been fierce and consuming.

First love held a special, unshakeable place in one’s heart, and no matter how much time passed, their memory lingered, casting shadows over any new feelings that tried to take root. Toge knew he could never compete with Rika. She was a curse that hovered between them, a bittersweet memory that tied Yuuta to a past filled with both pain and affection. Toge’s love, no matter how deep or sincere, could never erase that history. The best he could hope for was to carve out his own space in Yuuta’s heart, but even that seemed an impossible dream.

To Yuuta, he was the greatest friend, the one who would stand by his side through thick and thin. But that was all he would ever be—a friend. The word echoed in Toge’s mind, a cruel reminder of the boundary he could never cross.

He wanted so much more. He wanted to be Yuuta’s greatest love, the one who could fill the void. He wanted to be the person Yuuta thought of in quiet moments, the one whose presence brought peace and joy. But how could he ever hope to achieve that when the shadow of his past loomed so large?

The petals in his hand felt heavier. He didn’t just want Yuuta’s affection; he needed it. But more than anything, he needed to stay by his side. 

This feeling of his would burden Yuuta. Toge knew it instinctively. Yuuta already carried so much on his shoulders—the weight of being a special grade, the legacy of Rika, and the constant battles as a sorcerer. To add Toge’s unrequited love and the torment of Hanahaki to that load felt unbearably selfish.

So, Toge made a decision. He would do everything in his power to hide his condition. He would bury his feelings even deeper. He did it before and he can do it again. If he tried hard enough, no one would know. Not Gojo-sensei. Not Panda. Not Maki. Not even Yuuta.

Toge was wrong. Once again, utterly and ridiculously wrong. It seemed the more he buried his feelings, the more they grew, relentless and unforgiving. The flowers that filled his lungs were no longer the lilacs he had grown accustomed to. Now, it was something different, something more intense and agonizing.

It started with the petals he was all too familiar with. The ones he used to leave on Yuuta’s desk after hearing him mention in passing how pretty the flowers were when they passed a flower shop during one of their missions in the first year. 

Those lilac petals had been a silent symbol of his affection, it was the beginning of a forsaken end. But now, it is different. The petals had changed. They were no longer the soft, delicate lilacs. Instead, they were gardenias—pristine white petals now stained red with his blood. 

Gardenia. Secret love.

During the first two weeks since he started coughing lilacs, Toge had been fortunate enough to be away on solo missions most of the time, sparing him the need to conceal his condition from his friends. The initial days had been manageable; the scratchy throat was an odd sensation, but nothing he couldn’t handle. It felt like a minor inconvenience, a small price to pay for using his cursed speech. However, as the days went by, the discomfort escalated. The coughing became more frequent, and with each fit, he would expel blood mixed with delicate lilac petals. 

Alone in the wilderness or the dimly lit corners of an exorcism site, Toge found some solace in his solitude. There was no one around to witness his pain, to see the petals he spat out with increasing frequency. Each mission became a test of endurance, his body weakening under the strain. Yet, he persevered. The flowers made fighting harder, his movements sluggish, his breaths labored, but never to the point of endangering his life. He had grown accustomed to the routine of expelling the lilacs in private, away from prying eyes, maintaining the facade of his usual stoic self.

But then a new week started, the flowers he was coughing up had changed. The lilacs, once a manageable nuisance, were replaced by the petals he was all too familiar with. These petals were larger, thicker, and more intrusive. 

For God's sake, he had been discreetly avoiding Yuuta, but his friend had come over the night before because he missed their movie nights. Now Toge was coughing petals ten times bigger than the lilacs before. How fickle his heart must be, how cruel his fate.

To make matters worse, the gardenias brought with them a new level of torment. The coughing fits became more frequent and violent, no longer confined to moments of solitude. He could no longer contain them during classes. His only saving grace was that his uniform covered his mouth, hiding the blood and petals from immediate view. But the number of times he had to excuse himself to go to the bathroom had increased, and Maki had started giving him scrutinizing looks. Maki was the last person, apart from Yuuta, who should know about this. Despite her emotionally constipated facade, Toge knew how much she truly cared and worried about him. The last thing Toge wanted was to burden others with feelings he never should have had in the first place.

The night Yuuta came over was a particular strain on Toge's resolve. They had settled in for their movie night, and Toge had felt his heart swell with warmth and anguish simultaneously. He tried to keep his distance, subtly shifting away whenever Yuuta moved closer. But the gardenias had other plans. Every time he laughed at a scene or felt a surge of emotion, the petals clawed their way up his throat, demanding release.

He excused himself more times than he could count, retreating to the bathroom to cough up the incriminating petals and rinse away the blood. 

He had to keep this hidden. For Yuuta's sake, for everyone's sake.

But hiding it was becoming increasingly difficult. In class, Toge's sudden exits had become almost routine. His uniform's high collar and mask covered his mouth, but it couldn’t mask the frequent excuses to leave. Maki's eyes followed him, sharp and perceptive. She hadn’t said anything yet, but Toge could see the questions brewing behind her gaze.

One afternoon, during a particularly intense coughing fit, he barely made it to the bathroom in time. He locked the door behind him and doubled over, gardenia petals pouring out, each one like a stab to his heart. The pain was more intense than ever, and his breaths were ragged and shallow.

They were no longer petals but the flowers he used to plant in his garden so he could leave them on Yuuta’s desk, a wave of despair washed over him. 

How much longer could he keep this up? 

Apparently, not very long.

Toge should have been more careful, but he couldn’t exactly blame himself when the throbbing in his throat became unbearable. It was his worst experience so far, the pain so intense it blurred his awareness. He staggered out of the car, oblivious to everything but the urgent need to escape. He didn’t notice Maki tailing him as he made his way to the third year’s floor, an area that had been abandoned for some time, a sanctuary for his private torment.

The hallways were silent, the air heavy with neglect. Toge's footsteps echoed each step a reminder of the isolation he sought. He barely made it to an empty classroom before he collapsed against the wall, his body wracked with violent coughs. Gardenias poured from his mouth, larger and more intrusive than ever before, their pristine white now a grotesque mix of crimson and pink.

He clutched his chest, the pain searing through him. The petals kept coming, relentless and unforgiving. Each one felt like a knife, cutting through his throat. Toge could feel his vision start to blur.

He was so consumed by the pain that he didn't hear the door creak open. It wasn’t until he felt a hand on his shoulder and made sense of the familiar silhouette that he realized he wasn’t alone. Toge looked up, his breath hitching in his throat. Maki stood there, her eyes wide with shock.

"Toge," she whispered, her voice breaking the silence. "What...what's happening to you?"

Toge's heart pounded in his chest, a mix of fear and desperation. He tried to run away, but another fit of coughing overtook him, more petals spilling out. Maki knelt beside him, his sight was too hazy to see her expression.

"Don't even try," she said firmly.  

"We should ask Ieri-san for help."

Maki knows. Maki has always been perceptive so of course she does.  

Toge shook his head frantically, reaching out to grab her arm.

"What do you mean no? We can't have you throwing up flowers and blood, Toge!  What if this happens when you're on a mission?"

" I can handle it. "

"You can handle it?" 

Maki stood up from where she was seated, her eyes narrowing as she regarded him with a mixture of disbelief and concern.

"Hold on. Toge. How long has this been going on? How long have you been like this?"

"A fter the first mission, me and Yuuta were sent to when he returned. "

"Toge, that was almost a month ago! And we didn't know?"

"You weren't supposed to. I didn't want you to know."

"What? You've said a lot of shit Toge but this has got to be the shittiest of all your shits."

" This is why I didn't want you to know. I don't want any of you to worry about me. We have enough on our plate as it is! "

Maki's laughter cut through the heavy air, her amusement echoing across the room they were in.

"My God, Toge! Do you think so little of us? When will it get through your pretty little head that you don't have to always put yourself first!"

" You know that's not my intention, Maki. But really what is there for me to do? I can't just curse Yuuta to... love me back. "

"But we can't just do nothing!"

"Inumaki Toge. This is killing you. Literally killing you."

"Then so be it."

Toge expected Maki to react with anger, to shout at him as she always did. But none of it came. Instead, Maki looked at him with an expression he couldn't quite decipher. It felt foreign, unfamiliar.

Maki left without a word.

When Toge returned to their dorm he expected his friends to crowd over him with their pitiful gaze. He expected Gojo-sensei to forcibly carry him to the infirmary where Shoko-sensei was. She expected Yuuta to come running for him apologizing and blaming himself for the feelings that were not his fault. He expected Yuuta to apologize because he couldn't return his feelings. 

Pushing open the door, he stepped into the familiar chaos of their shared living space. The scent of cooking wafted through the air, mingling with the sound of clattering dishes and animated chatter. Yuuji, his pink frilly apron a stark contrast to his usual demeanor, bustled around the kitchen, deftly preparing a plate of onigiri. Beside him, Megumi hovered over a pot of steaming curry, his focused expression betraying no hint of the turmoil brewing beneath the surface.

Nobara and Panda were engrossed in setting the table, their movements synchronized in a silent dance of domesticity. Meanwhile, Yuuta emerged from the kitchen with a bowl of cabbage, his features set in a mask of concentration as he navigated the crowded space.

And there, seated at the table, was Maki, her posture rigid as she barked orders at their friends, her usual stoic facade faltering ever so slightly. Toge's heart clenched at the sight, a pang of guilt gnawing at him as he realized the toll his secret could have on those closest to him.

As he approached the table, his friends and juniors looked up, their expressions brightening at the sight of him. 

"Inumaki-senpai!" Yuuji exclaimed, a warm smile spreading across his face. "How was your mission?"

Toge's throat tightened with emotion as he forced a smile. Despite the warmth of their greetings, a sense of unease settled over him. Taking his seat at his usual place, beside Yuuta and across Maki, Toge stole a glance at her, questioning why she hadn't told anyone yet but she studiously avoided his gaze, her eyes fixed on her food with a distant expression.

Dinner ended in a blur with Maki excusing herself first to go on her evening run. Toge wanted to follow but he didn't have the courage to quite yet, not after the confrontation. He'd give her time the way Maki is probably giving him time to come to terms with himself. 

As the days passed, it became increasingly difficult for Toge to maintain his facade. The strain was beginning to show in the dark circles under his eyes and the persistent tightness in his chest. Despite this, Maki had yet to confront him about his condition. Instead, she chose a different approach. Every morning, she left cough syrups and honey ginger tea in front of Toge’s dorm. Toge had caught a glimpse of her one early morning, walking away just as he was heading to the kitchen to get some water. Her silent gestures of care were a lifeline he clung to.

Maki also insisted on accompanying Toge on his missions, but Gojo-sensei refused unless she provided a valid reason. Each time, Toge pleaded with his eyes for her not to reveal his secret. Respecting his wishes, Maki held her tongue. Instead, she handed him her cursed-imbued dagger, pressing it into his hands with a firm, wordless insistence that he keep it with him at all times. It was the only time Maki had spoken to him since their confrontation. She acted normal in general, but her eyes lingered on Toge longer than usual whenever he so much as cleared his throat.

Yuuta, however, had been acting strangely. It was almost déjà vu for Toge. Yuuta avoided his gaze whenever Toge tried to catch his eye and always found an excuse to leave whenever Toge joined a conversation. Toge thought he was imagining things, but he couldn’t ignore the slight flush on Yuuta's cheeks whenever they accidentally brushed shoulders.

This unsettling behavior made Toge's chest feel tighter and his throat more clogged. He tried to push down the anxiety that bubbled up with each interaction. Could this be a rejection? No, it couldn’t be. There was no way Yuuta knew about his feelings. Absolutely no way.

“Toge.”

“Yuuta, kon—”

Before Toge could even finish his greeting, he felt a pair of lips meet his own.

Yuuta is kissing him. Okkotsu Yuuta is kissing him.

The kiss was abrupt and almost desperate. The way Yuuta nibbled on his lips, asking for entry, the way Toge felt Yuuta’s tongue trace the mark on his own—everything was wet and messy, making his head spin. The sensation was overwhelming, an intoxicating blend of sweetness and raw urgency that sent shivers down his spine. Toge's mind whirled, struggling to process the reality of Yuuta's lips against his.

Yuuta slowed down, the kiss becoming softer, more tender. Toge felt weak in the knees, his heart pounding so hard it felt like it might burst from his chest. He had never understood how people described the taste of mixed saliva as sweet, but he did now. It was a taste he wanted to savor forever, a dream he never dared to imagine coming true.

Yuuta finally pulled away, leaving Toge breathless and reeling. “I—sorry, Toge. This is not how it was supposed to go,” Yuuta said, his voice trembling. He stepped back, ruffling his hair in frustration, muttering, “Do it as you practiced, follow the plan.”

“So, uhh, that probably surprised you, but if I’m being honest, I surprised myself too. The thing is, I kind of have a thing for you. No. Let me make that better. How do I do this again? Sorry. Hold on.” Yuuta's cheeks were flushed, his words tumbling out in a nervous rush.

Toge had seen a lot of unexpected things these past months, but this was a sight he was not prepared for.

Is Okkotsu Yuuta having confession jitters in front of him right now?

“I like you, Toge.”

Yes. Yes, he is.

“I know this may come off as sudden to you and this could potentially break our friendship, which I’m hoping not because honestly, I’d be okay if you don’t accept me—although you accepting me would be much better. What I’m saying is that you can say no, Toge. I just wanted to let you know because this has been eating me up inside.” Yuuta’s eyes were earnest, filled with a mixture of hope and fear.

Why is Yuuta stealing the words out of Toge’s mind? Toge stood frozen, surprised, and confused, the world spinning around him.

“Why?” He managed to sign after a moment, his fingers trembling.

“Why? Why do I like you?” Yuuta asked, his brow furrowing in confusion.

Toge nodded slowly. He couldn’t understand why or how Yuuta could fall for him. He had daydreamed about this moment, but never truly believed it could happen. He couldn’t fathom a reason why Yuuta would feel the same way.

“What do you mean why? What is there not to like about you?” Yuuta held both of Toge’s hands, his touch warm and reassuring. “Toge, you’re kind—the kindest person I’ve ever met. You waited for me to open up to you. You took care of me even when I was wary of you. You stayed by my side no matter what. You made me want to stay, to live. And you were capable of doing all that because you are lovable, Toge. You are made of love, made to love, and made to be loved.”

“But—” Toge’s eyes glistened with unshed tears, his heart aching with the weight of his insecurities.

“But what? Your curse speech? The seals and fangs? Toge, have you seen the way you look in a mirror? You’re so pretty, I can’t even look at the flowers when we garden. Guess what? The flowers in your garden are the prettiest I have ever seen. And you know I could never hate your curse speech, Toge. The curse speech is not you, but your curse speech is you, and I could never bear to hate you.” 

“Yuuta…” Toge’s breath hitched, his heart swelling with a mixture of disbelief and overwhelming joy.

“Sorry, I rambled, didn’t I? But I wanted to make sure my message got across so you’ll know how amazing you are. And—” Before Yuuta could even finish, Toge was already tackling him to the ground, tears of relief and happiness streaming down his face.

“Does this mean—?” Yuuta started, his eyes wide with hope.

“Yuuta.” Taking a deep breath, Toge raised his dominant hand, palm facing down. Fingers slightly bent, he tapped the back of his other hand twice with his index finger—a silent ‘too’.

  “I like you too.”

Toge is sure love is the word for it, but Toge could settle for like now. In time, it will be love.

As they lay on the floor, their laughter mingling with the sound of their racing hearts, Toge felt a sense of peace he hadn’t known in months.

Breathing truly came easier with Yuuta by his side.

The moment Inumaki Toge learned about love, he vowed he would never beg for it. Yet here he was, alone in his room, the ghost of Yuuta’s kiss still lingering on his lips, his heart pounding with a desperation that threatened to consume him.

Yuuta had poured out his feelings, but it had done nothing to quell the ache inside Toge's chest. The curse of Hanahaki still gripped him, tighter than ever. 

Yuuta had confessed. The feelings are mutual . So, why?

Why is he still coughing up flowers stained by his blood?

He felt the petals rising in his throat, a cruel reminder that unrequited love was still his reality but now it was again a different type of flower.

Blue Hyacinths. Desperate and all-consuming love.

To think it was only yesterday Toge was staring at the same color with so much adoration.

Staggering to his bed, Toge clutched his chest as the pain intensified. His breaths came in ragged gasps, each one a struggle as the petals threatened to suffocate him. The room spun around him, the walls closing in as his vision blurred with tears. He doubled over, his body wracked with violent coughs, the petals spilling from his mouth and staining the floor with blood. Each petal, delicate and vibrant, was a cruel juxtaposition against the stark agony he felt.

Cruel. How utterly cruel it was.

He collapsed to his knees, the petals piling up around him. Each one was a reminder of the love he almost, hopefully almost had.

"Toge, you’re kind—the kindest person I’ve ever met." 

Curse me. 

Funny how his kindness couldn't save him now, couldn't fill the void in his heart. 

"You waited for me to open up to you."

Curse me. 

He had waited, had hoped, but it hadn't been enough. Had he not waited long enough? How long? For how long…

"You took care of me even when I was wary of you."

Please, curse me. 

He had cared for Yuuta, had given everything, but still, it wasn't enough. Again, it wasn't enough. When will it be enough?

"You stayed by my side no matter what."

Curse me. Please, curse me. 

The silence of his room was deafening, the emptiness pressing down on him. He knew Yuuta was outside with the first years, their laughter and chatter faintly audible through the walls. He could see his smile. Oh, how he loves that smile.

Toge fell to the floor, his body growing weaker with each passing moment. The petals continued to pour out, each one like a knife cutting through his resolve. His vision dimmed, the world around him fading into a haze of pain and he could feel his strength slipping away, his body.

"You made me want to stay, to live."

So, curse me.

What was it that he told Maki again? So be it? Ha. 

Inumaki Toge is foolish indeed. Utterly and foolishly in love with Okkotsu Yuuta. 

But this way is better, isn’t it? 

Selfish but at least he protected the love that was his.

"You are lovable, Toge."

Curse me, Yuuta.

The tears flowed freely now, the words a cruel mockery. Lovable? How could he be lovable when his love was killing him? How could he be lovable when he didn't truly love him back?

"You are made of love, made to love, and made to be loved."

Please, Curse me, Yuuta.

Liar. Toge was raised for him to know full well he was never made of love.

Liar. If Toge was made to love then why does it hurt so much? Is love supposed to hurt this much?

Liar. If Toge is made to be loved, why is it not by you?

Okkotsu Yuuta is a liar.

"I could never bear to hate you."

Why won’t you just curse me, Yuuta? 

“Me too, Yuuta. I could never bear to hate you.”

“I love you, Yuuta.”

The last thing he heard was a faint, distant sound of laughter, a cruel reminder of the life continuing outside his room, a world that was moving on without him. The world faded to black, the silence swallowing him whole as he finally succumbed to the darkness, the petals still spilling from his lips as he fell into unconsciousness.

When Toge opened his eyes, he was greeted by the sterile surroundings of the infirmary, the harsh scent of antiseptic assaulting his senses. He couldn't help but grimace at the familiar discomfort of being confined to the infirmary bed. Every fiber of his being yearned to be free from this place.

Attempting to sit up, Toge was immediately met with a sharp pang of pain radiating from his chest. It felt as though his ribs were threatening to crack under the pressure. Despite the discomfort, his throat felt parched and scratchy, pleading for some relief.

Just as he was about to give in to the urge to move, the door creaked open, and the sound of hurried footsteps filled the room. Panda, ever the concerned friend, rushed to his side, his voice filled with worry.

“Toge! How are you feeling?”

Toge attempted to lift his hands to sign a response, but the fatigue that weighed heavily upon him made even the simplest movements feel like a Herculean task.

“Quit it, dumbass. I’ll fill you up after you're all healed. And Shoko-sensei said not to let you move around yet so lay still,” Maki interjected, her voice tinged with a hint of exasperation as she made her way over to them.

Before Toge could protest, another presence made itself known beside him. Turning his gaze, he found himself face to face with a newcomer, extending a glass of water for him.

The young man was tall and built like a brick wall, and had the darkest under-eye circles Toge had ever seen, yet he was undeniably good-looking. Despite his apparent fatigue, there was something oddly charming about him, as if he had stumbled straight out of a cheesy romance novel. Toge couldn't help but wonder if he spent more time at the gym than sleeping, a thought that seemed simultaneously silly and intriguing. What is he doing here though?

“Oh, right. This is—” Maki paused, engaging in a silent battle of wills with Panda before conceding defeat with a resigned sigh. The newcomer took the opportunity to introduce himself.

“Hello, Inumaki-kun. I’m Okkotsu Yuuta. I’ll be with you from here on onwards.”

When Inumaki Toge was nineteen he met Okkotsu Yuuta.