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Chapter Text

You were born bluer than a butterfly

Beautiful and so deprived of oxygen

Colder than your father’s eyes

He never learned to sympathize with anyone

I don’t blame you

But I can’t change you

Don’t hate you

But we can’t save you

You were born reachin’ for your mother’s hands 

Victim of your father’s plans to rule the world

Too afraid to step outside 

Paranoid and petrified of what you’ve heard 

Blue, Billie Eilish 

On March 28, Ramón Edmundo Diaz and Helena Rosel Diaz welcomed their son, Edmundo Felix Diaz. He entered into the world, a small baby of only five pounds and seven ounces. Helena would later tell Eddie that her pregnancy with him had been the hardest on her body. 

She thought perhaps that was custom, since it was her first pregnancy. Eddie had brought her painful back aches, debilitating nausea, over exhaustion, and eventually a preterm labor. That birthing experience had nearly managed to scare her off from wanting any more children. However, an anniversary trip to Sweden brought the gift of three pregnancy tests, all with two thick lines. 

Sophia was her sweet middle child. Helena blossomed during the pregnancy with her. Everyone always commented on her pregnancy glow. She had an easy and healthy pregnancy with Sophia. After the ease of that labor, she didn’t mind planning for her third child. 

Helena basked in the attention, after never receiving glowing compliments when she was pregnant with Eddie. The only comments she received was that she always looked like she needed more sleep. 

Helena had been preparing for an early May baby. That’s why she relented to Ramón’s decision to leave to Dallas for work. It was supposed to be a two week job. How was Helena supposed to know their son was going to enter the world nearly two months early? 

That’s how she found herself alone, going on what felt like the hundredth hour of labor. Any longer and the doctor was going to have to perform an emergency C-section. It was already dangerous, seeing as how he was coming well before he was due. She had pleaded with them to give her more time. She knew she could do this. Despite the pain and tiredness, Helena did not want to get a C-section. 

Finally, her pleas were answered. 

Helena had given her final push and Eddie was quickly brought into the arms of the doctor. Propped up by her mother’s hold, Helena watched as the nurses crowded around her newborn. She began to cry out incoherently, arms stretching out, begging them to give her the baby who didn’t cry. She couldn’t tell whether his lips were turning blue. The medical staff had formed a tight circle around her son. 

She had heard painful and gut-wrenching stories of mothers who had given birth to babies whose lips never broke apart for a cry. She had known this was a possibility, especially with her tumultuous pregnancy. But she had fasted (as much as she could, if her cravings allowed) and prayed incessantly. She knew this baby was meant to be hers. This baby was going to breathe and he was going to live. 

But there was a lingering doubt that maybe…just maybe she was the mother who had to say goodbye to her child before she could even feel him against her chest. 

She began praying in Swedish. Her mother joined in on her prayers.

Her baby would not cry.

She broke down wailing as only her newborn should be doing. 

The nurses talked amongst themselves, casting off worried glances to each other. She wondered how long they would try to get her baby to breathe, before the worried glances turned into apologetic ones. 

She didn’t want to know. She wanted her baby. She wanted him alive and safe in her arms. 

“Please, please. Save my baby. Please,” she cried out in English. “Please, don’t take him from me.”

“Ma’am, your blood pressure is rising. We need to take care of you just as much as we are trying to take care of your baby,” one nurse urged. 

She snarled at them, “I don’t care! I don’t care about me…help…help my baby.”

She didn’t know how many minutes had passed, when she heard her hospital room door open. She began to cry out, fearful that maybe they were already taking her baby away to the place where babies who never cried went. 

But that didn’t happen. 

She turned bleary eyes, to see her husband run through the doors. His shirt wasn’t even tucked in. If anybody knew Ramon, they knew that man never went a day in his life unkempt. However, he charged in there that day with his shirt untucked and all the fury his body could muster. 

He ran past the circle of nurses, crowding around his son. He grasped his small hand, leant his forehead down to rest against his son’s chest and spoke to him. Then like a miracle, a breath turned into cries. His cheeks became the rosiest color of pink, a color the nurses had never seen in their delivery room. The nurses cooed over how beautiful that tiny mole was underneath those golden brown eyes. 

Helena collapsed back into the hospital bed, tears steadily streaming down her rosy cheeks blooming with exertion and exhaustion. 

Ramón took one look at him and proudly stated, he ought to give his son his name. Therefore he was named, Edmundo...Eddie for those who loved him. 

He didn’t know why they were recounting their birth stories, but he felt like he had one of the best stories. He leant back in his seat, languidly spreading his legs which knocked into Buck’s. Buck knocked his knee into his thigh, smiling softly at him as he finished his story. 

“Dang, Eddie. That’s damn near cinematic,” Chimney whistled, leaning back into his seat. 

The ride to their emergency was a short one, but it was a long waiting period. It nearly rivaled the time they had to wait for the man to calmly leave the roof. He wondered if they would get pizza, if they had to stay there another hour. 

“Yeah, that’s how my abuela tells it. She nearly broke all the rules of the road to make sure my dad made it from the airport to the hospital. It’s a good thing a flight from Dallas to El Paso was short.”

“Well, I for one am very glad you were born,” Buck announced. “But did you really have to put into your story how much of a beautiful baby you were? Because if so, I would like to redo my story and say that all the nurses and doctors complimented me on my pretty blue eyes and unique birthmark.”

Buck batted his eyelashes and tilted his head, the look so boyishly adorable that Eddie couldn’t help but to give him an affectionate pat on the head. Buck leaned into the touch, then settled back into his chair. 

“But for real, that is a nice story,” Buck added. “Alright, so we’ve heard everyone’s birth story…except....aye, Probie!”

Ravi, who was still waiting outside, came to their side of the engine. “Not a probie anymore, Buck.”

Buck shrugged his shoulders. “Meh. You’ll always Probie to me. You’re like the little brother I've always wanted.”

“I feel so honored,” Ravi replied in a deadpan voice. 

“Rude,” Buck said. Buck pulled out some wipes, which had mysteriously appeared. He handed it to Ravi, who thankfully took it to dab at the sweat running at his temple. He didn’t know why Ravi chose to stay outside in the heat. 

“Anyways, what's your birth story?” Buck questioned, leaning over Hen to get a closer look at Ravi. 

“My what?”

“He wants to know about the day you were born, Ravi. Buck’s been reading about this theory that says a person's developmental stages are largely impacted from the moment they're born. Watched some documentary about it last week with Maddie and now he’s hooked on the idea,” Chimney confessed. 

“Ah, so this is where the hyper-fixation of the week is coming from,” Bobby resolved. “I was wondering where this sudden interest came from.”

“Oh, well I mean my mom had a quick birth. She said she didn’t even go to the hospital, until she was ten centimeters. It stressed my dad out so much. Then she gave birth as soon as they put her in a hospital room. It was very quick, she didn’t even want to go to a hospital. So it was good," Ravi told them. 

Buck frowned. 

“What?”

“Trying to see if your easy going personality is attributed to an easy birth,” Buck inquisitively stated. 

“I wasn’t easygoing as a kid. Being a kid, who had cancer, a lot of the first years of my life were hard. Don’t think I really became easy going until these recent years. Sorry, I think I might be a chip in your theory.”

Buck waved him off. “I didn’t really believe there was much truth to it, but it’s always fun going down the rabbit hole.”

“I for one am glad you found a way to keep us entertained, while we wait for…in fact what are we waiting for?” Hen questioned. 

Ravi perked up. “The woman is still holding the can of gasoline over her neighbor’s chimney. She even taped the handle to her hand. I don’t know. They're still working to get her down.”

“Great, we’re here for another few hours. It was my day to pick up Jee,” Chimney bemoaned. “Why can’t they just get her off the roof?”

“And risk her not only burning herself, but burning the house down as well? Can’t run that risk,” Bobby inserted. “Besides I’m sure Buck has some more ways we can pass our time. What about the controversy of the new nature reserve being greenlit in San Diego?”

Buck immediately brightened and Eddie saw his body thrum with excitement. Buck loved it, when people were attentive to his stories. He loved it even more, when people thought of him whenever something was happening. Eddie knew how much Buck appreciated Bobby bringing this up and allowing Buck to talk about it. 

“Oh, Bobby, you don’t even know the half of it. Okay, so the city developers…” 

Once Buck had ended his long rant about corrupt politicians and their role in city planning, the crisis negotiator was able to successfully talk down the woman. As soon as they finished that call, they headed to the next one. 

The day flew by like that and it was good. It kept Eddie’s mind busy. It was good that he stayed busy and his thoughts weren't occupied with the realization that he’d have to go back home to a quiet house, once their shift was over. Unfortunately, the time eventually came that he had to go home to an empty house. 

Instead of being happy the shift had ended, he sluggishly journeyed home. 

Usually in the summer, Christopher could be heard playing video games or watching tv. If he wasn’t at home, Eddie could rest peacefully in the knowledge that he’d be there by the end of the night or the next day if he was at a sleepover.

Eddie no longer knew how he was spending his summer vacation. He could only hope that his stay in El Paso didn’t last past the summer. 

He could tell his parents wanted Christopher to stay longer. They sent Eddie websites of different schools in the area, but Eddie refused to entertain the idea. He didn’t send off school records, so his parents could think about getting him enrolled. Christopher was his son. He was not theirs. The only thing he wanted them to do was treat Christopher better than they had treated him. 

Thankfully, with his abuela’s recent move back to El Paso, he was comforted knowing he had her to rely on as well. That meant he could get check-ins with her, seeing as how Christopher still wouldn’t respond to his texts. 

He wasn’t going to stop sending them. He was fine knowing that Christopher looked at his messages. He didn’t need a response right now, even though he wanted one. He could survive this being their primary form of communication, even if it was one-sided. There was one occasion, when Eddie sent a song recommendation to Christopher and he had posted the song on his IG story. 

In addition Christopher had sent him a card in the mail, for Father’s Day. So he hadn’t horribly messed up everything with his son. 

It was enough for him. Okay, he lied. It wasn’t enough. Enough would be having his son here with him, but he knew Christopher needed this time away. He needed some distance. 

But a dark thought in his mind, pressed at old fears. Hadn't he wanted distance from his parents? 

And he never returned. 

What if…

He had never been so grateful, that a text could interrupt him from a downward spiral. He looked at the text and saw it was an evite to Mara’s birthday party. After successfully adopting Mara, Hen and Karen found out she hadn’t had a birthday party in a while. Her birthday had been in February, so Hen and Karen wanted to throw her a happy adoption/birthday party. 

He forgot they planned this and that Hen had shared invites that would be going out soon. He clicked the link to the evite and began putting in his information. 

He looked at the RSVP and noted that both his and Christopher’s names were written down. It was such a natural instinct of his to always think of Christopher. Now he had to start remembering Christopher wasn’t there. He didn’t even know if he wanted to be here right now either.

However, the thought of running to El Paso, when Christopher wasn’t ready, reined him back in. He said he would give Christopher space. He needed to prove he wasn’t lying, when he said that. He had lied too much and too often as of late. 

He was about to send a text to Hen, apologizing that he would be unable to make it. However, he was interrupted mid-text by Buck’s name popping up on his caller ID. 

“Hey, do you want to drive to Hen’s together? Figured with these gas prices going up, it’d be nice to save on gas. Plus you barely like driving anyways,” Buck quickly said. 

He knew Buck like the back of his hand enough to be aware that Buck wasn’t concerned about gas prices. Okay, yes he was concerned because gas had gotten crazy expensive; however, that wasn’t the true reason. He was concerned about Eddie. That was enough to make his heart tumble in his chest and make him feel dizzy. He pushed that feeling aside, not ready to deal with whatever just happened in his body. 

“Buck.”

“I’m serious. I mean I know the economy sucks, but why must we suffer? Anyways, should I meet you at your house?”

“Buck. I’m not really in the mood. I don’t want to bring things down, especially on such a happy day. I’ll send a gift, okay.”

“Nope, not okay,” Buck said. It sounded like he was ruffling around through his drawers, probably trying to find a t-shirt because Buck still hadn’t called maintenance to fix his AC. 

“When are you going to get your AC fixed?” Eddie implored, hoping Buck would be tricked into a topic change. 

“I have a fan and besides it’s not that hot…pause you’re trying to distract me. Christopher wouldn’t want you holed away in your house this whole summer like an awkward turtle. I don’t want to have to drag you out the house, but I will.”

“I’d rather you not. Honestly, Buck…”

“You want to look back at this momentous occasion…a really happy moment for Hen and Karen’s family…with regret that you never came? I mean I’m more than sure they’d understand, but I know you. I know you’d feel guilty afterwards.”

Eddie hated how much of himself he gave away to Buck that he knew him like this. Eddie heard the grin in Buck’s voice as he realized that he got Eddie hook, line, and sinker. 

That’s how he found himself in Buck’s jeep, heading to Hen's house. They were running slightly late due to Buck having forgotten to get a bag to put his present in. He had to make a quick stop, before heading to Eddie’s house. They were just pulling out of Eddie’s driveway, when a thought came to Eddie. 

“Tommy isn’t joining us?”

Buck reached over to place his arm behind Eddie’s headrest, turning around so he could back out. Eddie didn’t know why he still did that, seeing as though the back camera showed him everything. But who was he to question Buck’s methods, especially when he didn’t have to drive. 

“Ummm, no. Why would he?”

“I just thought, well you know…”

Buck put the car into drive and began to lead them out of Eddie’s neighborhood. “Know what?”

“He was at Chimney and Maddie’s wedding, so I figured he’d be here. Unless he’s arriving there separately. Did they not invite Tommy? I thought they were friends now.”

A sharp laugh got caught in Buck’s throat. “They are cordial with one another and it was mainly due to me. She asked if I’d be bothered not extending the invite, but this is for family. This is a celebration of family. Tommy’s cool with that.”

If Eddie felt 100 times better about this party now that Tommy wasn’t coming, no one else had to know. He probably wouldn’t have brought a gift. 

“Man, this traffic is killer already. Guess everyone is out and about for the summer. I do not miss it being this busy on an early Friday afternoon,” Buck told him. “Hey, after the party you want to go to the movies? I found this new drive-in that isn’t far from Hen’s…”

“Buck…”

“Yep?”

“Thank you. Seriously, I know this has been a lot for you as much as it has been a lot for me. I truly appreciate it, but I don’t want you wasting any more gas, you know? After all, these insane gas prices are too much,” Eddie seriously worried, waiting for Buck to catch up on the joke. 

When he did, Eddie watched joyously as redness blossomed on Buck’s cheek. “Ahh, man screw you. Gas is expensive. I didn’t lie about that.”

“Sure, Buck. I know that,” Eddie laughed. 

The two continued talking, keeping the conversation light. For the first time in weeks, Eddie felt like he could breathe. Maybe the routine of home-work-home-work needed a few more things in between it. Eddie was glad he had Buck to help fill in his empty schedule and not make the empty space feel so suppressive. 

The birthday/adoption party was a fun event. It was a mixture of people that only Hen and Karen knew and the 118 with their families. 

Christopher would have loved it. He took out his phone and made a quick video, before sending it off with a quick text saying, “Miss you. Wish you were here.”

All he got in response was the notification that his message was liked. At least he wasn't being ignored. Baby steps. He pocketed his phone and walked to the backyard where all the adults were gathered. Ravi was the only one missing from this gathering, seeing as how he picked up a shift from B-shift. Apparently, he was saving money for the new iPhone that hadn’t even dropped yet. 

He went to the table, sitting beside Buck who handed him a slice of cake. Buck comfortably put his arm on the back of his chair. Eddie tried not to relax into it too quickly. He joined midway into the conversation and was fine with simply listening. He enjoyed being an attentive ear. 

That’s one of the many reasons his and Buck’s friendship thrived. Buck loved talking. Eddie loved listening to Buck talk. 

“It’s really nice what you’re doing for Mara,” Buck commended. 

“It’s what any good parent would want to do for their child,” Karen said, gleefully tugging on Hen’s arm. “Our child. Can you believe we get to say that now? I feel as though I’m floating on a cloud.” 

“Yes, and we are so thankful to our community, our family for helping us during this time. Especially you Athena. Between everything with Bobby and the house…you still took time to help us. We wouldn’t have been able to hold Ortiz accountable for corruption, if it hadn’t been for you.”

“You’re family. That’s what family does for one another,” Athena kindly replied. “Mara was part of this family, before the ink dried on the adoption papers.”

“So glad she’s been removed from office,” Karen cheered. 

“I’ll drink to that,” Hen chimed in, clinking her glass against Karen’s. “It’s nice that the only area giving us stress is choosing what school we’re sending Mara to. We wanted to send her to Denny’s old elementary, but they closed down during Covid and never reopened.” 

“Same. Now that Jee is old enough for preschool, I have to find one that meets my standards. I will not have my baby come down with a cold the first week of pre-k,” Maddie stated. 

“I can’t believe my baby girl is already about to go to pre-k,” Chimney sniffed, wiping a fake tear from underneath his eyelash. 

“Well, it’s only pre-k 3. Thankfully, we have two more years before I have to send her off to kindergarten. That I am not ready for,” Maddie admitted. 

“No parent ever is,” Eddie spoke for the first time. “It’s hard letting your kids go.”

Hen nodded her head. “By the way how’s things going with Christopher?”

Eddie chuckled and placed his fork on his plate. “What’s not happening? My parents are already looking at schools in El Paso and asking me to send them his transcript so they can send it off to the registrar. They’re acting like Christopher won’t be coming back.”

“But he will,” Buck insisted. 

“Yeah, I know.”

Eddie didn’t need to look to Buck to know that he didn’t believe him. 

“We’ll throw a welcome back party when he does,” Bobby proclaimed. “It’ll be fun. A nice barbecue before the school year.” 

“Ahh, I used to love back-to-school barbecue, especially because it lined up with my birthday. My mom would invite the whole block, because back then you knew everybody and most of us went to the same school. I got so many presents. It was the best,” Karen fondly said. 

“I didn’t get many birthdays, probably since I was a spare kid. Which is great to know because I can place why we never celebrated. But Maddie always made sure I had a cake. We would sneak out, drive to the movie theater, bowling alley, or whatever was open. We’d eat cake and then stay out all night, until my birthday was over.”

“I didn’t know you loved that so much. I always wanted to do more for you,” Maddie shared. “Never felt like it was enough, but I wanted to celebrate. Because you deserve to be celebrated.”

Buck left his chair to kneel beside Maddie. “Hey, Maddie. It was more than enough. I was the happiest birthday boy ever. I always got to brag about how my sister let us sneak out, eat store bought cake, and hang out all night. I never had time to need more from mom or dad because I had you.”

That set off the waterworks from Karen. 

“This is so sweet. Ahhh, can you believe that Mara and Denny get to be siblings. I hope they have as loving a relationship as you two do,” Karen cried. 

“Oh, babe,” Hen laughed at her emotional wife. “They definitely will. Denny didn’t even bat an eye when Mara suggested strawberry cake instead of vanilla cake.”

“And he loves strawberry cake,” Karen exclaimed. 

“I remember my mom threw a birthday party for me one time and no one at the school sent RSVPs, so she gathered all her friends and we had a grown up party with mocktails. I felt like an adult and that’s all I wanted to be,” Hen laughed, as she handed Karen a napkin to wipe at her watery eyes. 

“My mom took me to the ice skating rink on my tenth birthday. That alone was the best birthday because it introduced me to figure skating,” Bobby smiled. 

“Whoa, excuse me. New Bobby lore just dropped,” Karen said. 

The others looked to her in confusion, but as the parents of a teenager Buck and Eddie already knew this generation’s new slang. 

“Babe, you already knew and didn’t tell me? Oddly enough, I feel betrayed.”

From there the rest of them shared their favorite birthday memories, until the last one standing was Eddie. 

“What about you Eddie? Any memorable birthday parties of a young Texan boy? They ever bring you a pony to ride?” Chimney cackled. 

Eddie thought back to a birthday memory that was neither nostalgic nor fond. However, it was a birthday memory that bore such a heavy weight on his young childhood. Maybe some of them had childhood memories like his.

They were talking about good relationships with their siblings. Maybe he could share one where he did a nice thing for Sophia. He began his story, without thinking how they would respond. 

That was his mistake. 

He didn’t mean to get caught, so that meant he knew that this wasn’t allowed. He wasn’t allowed to use Sophia’s new easy bake oven to make her and her friends some cookies. 

It didn’t matter that Sophia insisted she wanted some cookies made at her birthday party. It didn’t matter that Sophia excitedly ran to her friends, in the backyard where the birthday party was still happening, and told them her big brother was making cookies for them. 

He had grinned and felt a sense of happiness at being included. Despite being the oldest at nine years old, Eddie mainly followed his younger sister’s demands. 

Sophia at eight (as of that day) was a social butterfly. She had friends the moment she stepped into her kindergarten class. A lot of the time, Eddie would tag along to her playdates, since they were so close in age. 

That’s why he didn’t see a problem in taking his mom's apron and settling in their playroom to make cookies. He had to tie the apron around him twice and fold it over, so that it would reach his knees instead of his ankles. 

He didn’t know how it looked from an outsider’s perspective, everyone enjoying Sophia’s birthday party while a young boy baked alone in their playroom. 

Just as he was taking the cookies out of the oven, his dad came inside. Eddie looked up and smiled widely, hands outstretched with the few cookies he had already made. He wanted to excitedly tell him that Sophia asked him to make cookies. 

It made him feel special, after his mom ushered him out of the kitchen when he asked if he could help make the cake. He wanted to put the sprinkles on it and decorate it prettily. His abuela was handing him the icing and he was ready to do that task, that seemed serious for a nine year old. 

But his mom had come back into the kitchen, wiped her hands clean and muttered, “Boys don’t need to be decorating cakes. Go with your dad and abuelo. They’re in the garage, setting things up for the party.”

He hadn’t known it then, but his mom did that a lot. At first he thought she did it because his dad wanted to spend more time with him. He hated, when she sent him away. He would sulk in the garage, fanning off the Texas summer heat, while his dad and abuelo talked about work.

Sophia told him she’d just gotten an easy bake oven. She didn’t want to bake and had no use of it, but she did want cookies. Who was he to deny the birthday girl? 

“Why are you messing around with your sister’s present,” his dad exclaimed. 

He turned around, the ties of the apron swinging behind him. His dad’s indignance at the apron was present in his facial expression. He reached forward, hands wrapping around the ties. The pull was strong enough to have Eddie’s toes barely graze the carpeted floor. 

“Sophia wanted cookies.”

“Sophia could have made them herself, Edmundo. You and I both know that. Boys aren’t supposed to be playing around with easy bake ovens.”

“Then why buy it, if you know Sophia doesn’t like baking? Adriana doesn’t either, so it seems like a wasteful gift,” Eddie murmured, his mouth running faster than his thoughts. 

By then his mom had followed his dad, trying to see where the two were. 

Regretfully, his eyes met the steely gaze of his dad. An apology was quick to settle on his tongue, but his dad’s raised hand stopped him. He could hear his mom quietly try to soothe his dad away from his anger. Briefly, Eddie wondered if his mom had tried a little harder perhaps his dad would have shown him mercy. All he knew was that while his cheeks were flushing red from embarrassment, his dad’s was growing red from anger. 

Meanwhile Sophia and Adriana were still outside, completely unaware of what was happening in their playroom. The ice cream, Eddie had brought into the playroom, had begun to melt. Eddie could see the spoon slowly sink into the hardened cream. 

“Dad,” Eddie whispered, voice caught with emotion. 

His dad began to unbuckle his belt, but was stopped by his mom. She looked imploringly at them. His dad looked at her searchingly. For a moment, Eddie thought his mom might calmly cool his dad down. After all, it was Sophia’s birthday party. 

His hopes were shut down, when his mom told his dad, “Make sure you close the door. We’re about to sing happy birthday. I don’t want anyone passing by to hear something.”

His mom took the tub of ice cream and the cookies Eddie made. He looked at his mom and she turned away as if ashamed. He couldn’t decipher whether that shame was rooted in herself or him. 

His mom left, leaving Eddie alone with his dad. His dad closed the door and turned back to him. Eddie shrank as his dad grew closer. His dad proceeded to take off his belt. He held it in his hands, folding it together then snapping it…as if that activated the power of the leather. 

He tried to pull away as his dad held out his hand. Eddie knew what to expect. He held out his hand as his dad pulled him toward him. His dad’s tight grip on thin wrists, ensured that Eddie wouldn’t try running away from his punishment. He had done that once. It hadn't taken much for Eddie to learn his lesson. He didn’t even need his dad to hold him in place that time. He would never try outrunning the belt again. 

Amidst his father’s warning to stay quiet and take the punishment like a man…Eddie allowed himself that one act of rebellion. Who could hear his cries anyways? They were being drowned out by everyone singing happy birthday. 

Hen looked horrified. The rest of the 118 and their family looked the same. 

“What? Oh, like you all didn’t get whippings from your parents or sent to timeout?” Eddie joked. He figured that was the main thing they were horrified by. He didn’t know why. Parents did that in order to correct their children. 

“I’m sorry…how on earth is that your favorite birthday memory? I mean forget the fact it wasn’t even yours, but you got whipped?” Maddie said, eyes already watering. Like the dutiful husband he was, Chimney passed her a napkin. 

“Yeah. At the time it wasn’t great, but looking back at it now it was pretty funny. Besides, I never really did much for my birthday. That was more Sophia and Adriana’s thing.”

“My parents didn’t really care enough for me to get into trouble,” Buck murmured. “But still Eddie that’s…”

“Not okay,” Chimney continued. 

“Definitely, not okay.”

He didn’t understand why they were so shocked. It wasn’t even the worst story of him getting disciplined. Then he remembered the shocked stare of his classmates, when he told them his mom had once glued two wooden spoons together to use as a paddle and then told him to hold out his hands as if he were receiving a gift. 

Eddie lifted one shoulder up then brought it down in quick succession. “I mean it’s fine. I knew I shouldn’t have been playing around and I talked back. I was completely aware of the consequences, but it all worked out. Sophia really enjoyed the cookies!”

“Eddie,” Hen started, but was interrupted by Eddie. 

“I still bake a little now, so it didn’t do too much damage. It’s not like that one day ruined everything for me. It was never that serious,” Eddie joked. “Guys, relax. I thought the story was funny.”

Bobby frowned at him, the space between his eyebrows creasing in contemplation. “Is that why we’ve been finding baked goods secretly placed on the table, before our shift begins?”

Eddie’s expression smoothed out. “Oh…that’s-”

“Right, Cap. We could never quite figure out who the culprit was and Eddie is the only one who actively enjoys coming to work early,” Chimney chimed in. 

Yeah, he enjoyed it because why waste another hour just milling around in his empty house, when he could head to work early and burn off some frustration. So what if that also gave him time to secretly leave some baked goods, before anyone arrived? He had so much time on his hands and baking was a nice stress reliever. 

“I’ve been trying a few new recipes. You all seemed to enjoy them.”

“We did. Hen brought home some cupcakes one day. After she assured me she had eaten some, you know after your whole spiked brownies incident, I had to make sure they were safe. My kids and I couldn’t get enough of them.”

“To be fair. The first note that you wrote on the apple pie shouldn’t have said that it wasn’t weed pie,” Hen laughed. 

Eddie raised his hands up defensively. “I wanted you all to know it was a safe pie.”

“See that made it more suspicious,” Buck alerted.

“Yes, and that’s why you volunteered to eat it first,” Bobby replied, raising an eyebrow. 

“In all fairness, I kind of knew Eddie baked a pie that day…and that he had been leaving the baked goods,” Buck said. Immediately all eyes were on him. “You can only go to your house so many times and see cinnamon, brown sugar, and other ingredients in your kitchen cabinet. Come on, Eddie. The only spices you’ve ever had in your kitchen are spices that I bought.”

“You make it sound like I don’t cook.”

“You don’t. Also you reuse the Tupperware abuela gave you. I think you forgot that one of the dishes abuela had was custom made. I mean most people bring plastic Tupperware, but you brought glass. Better be glad I made sure it was returned safely to your home. We do have a Tupperware thief. I won’t name names,” Buck said. 

But they knew it was all Chimney. Chimney had sticky fingers for the Tupperware.

“118 doesn’t need all that Tupperware and it was a nice Tupperware set. I was really sad to see someone had taken it. Thought I had competition for a bit,” Chimney chuckled. 

“And you didn’t tell us! We had a bet going on for weeks,” Hen interrupted. “I can’t believe this. How long would this betting pool have continued?”

Buck’s eyes glinted mischievously. “Until I racked up as much money as I could.”

“That’s cheating,” Maddie gasped, entertained by the whole idea.

“I said someone at the 118 was making it. Speaking of where’s my money now,” Buck said, holding out his hand. 

Reluctantly, everyone handed him their money. Even Karen and Athena reached into their purses. Eddie laughed, appreciative that the conversation was able to seamlessly transition to a topic far from Eddie’s childhood. 

“I think you owe me a cut of that money, Buck.”

Buck shrugged. “Sure, as long as I can request what you make next. I’ve been craving some of those red velvet cupcakes you made last week.”

“Deal,” he said. 

Buck counted the money and handed Eddie his share. Eddie pocketed the money, feeling as though he struck a good partnership. 

“I’m going to start calling you Bonnie and Clyde,” Chimney muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. “I would also like to make a suggestion in the bake goods rotation. I would like some more of that pastry with whatever glaze you had on it. I dreamt of that for days.”

“It’s true. He even subconsciously added it to a bedtime story. So please spare me and Jee from more of that,” Maddie lightly begged.

“While we’re making suggestions…Bobby when are we getting that famous barbecue spread?”

The conversation continued well into the night, until everyone began saying their goodbyes. The children, by then, had grown tired. It was well past their bedtime. He wondered if Christopher was asleep. Eddie sent off a goodnight text then closed his phone. 

He said goodbye to everyone and followed Buck to his car. Eddie was so glad he didn’t have to drive himself home tonight. He tried to love driving, but when you had someone constantly volunteering to drive, you grew to expect a certain lifestyle…sorry driving style. 

Chimney once said that Buck had his own passenger princess. He didn’t even know what that meant, but Hen later told him. He’d hate it more, if it wasn’t true. Sue him, the passenger princess life was the life for him. Even when he was with Shannon, Eddie was given the role of passenger. Shannon loved driving and didn’t really trust anyone to drive her around. She felt safer that way. 

It was a twisted sort of fate that she was struck by a driver and died. 

No dark thoughts right now, Eddie tried bartering with himself. 

Buck climbed into the driver’s side, mouth pressed in a thin line. Despite the way the conversation had veered into lighter territory, Eddie knew that Buck was still thinking about Eddie's birthday story. He was half tempted to pretend he was exhausted. All he had to do was lean his head against the window and let sleep overtake him. It wouldn’t be too far from the truth. He had been getting sleepier lately. 

Eddie patiently waited for Buck to say something, but he never did. Eddie watched the street signs pass. Then they were moving from the side road as Buck merged onto the highway. Eddie knew they weren’t heading to his house because he didn’t need to get on the highway to head home. However, they did need to get on the highway to go to Buck’s loft. 

“I was thinking about a movie night at my house instead. The drive-in wasn’t really showing any good movies. Streaming services really messed up the distribution of movies. There’s this new movie on Netflix, I’d think you like,” Buck said. “In the morning, we could try that new brunch spot that opened up downtown. Ravi has been raving about it. He went with a group of friends last week…”

Buck continued talking. Eddie could only sit back and observe him. 

This is why Eddie appreciated Buck. Buck knew him in ways that no one else ever could. He didn’t take Eddie’s silence for avoidance. He knew how Eddie’s mind slithered away from itself sometimes. He knew Eddie in ways Eddie didn’t know himself. 

In the quiet moments, he let that awareness scare him. To be known so fully by someone was terrifying. He had gotten so good at hiding all the bad corners of himself and even the good had begun to meld into the bad. 

He didn’t want to go home. He had been so happy to be around people. Going to an empty house would give him whiplash. 

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Eddie smiled. 

“Good,” Buck smiled back. 

Eddie kept his gaze focused on him, watching the corners of his eyes crease as his smile grew. He tracked the shadows and lights dancing over his features. Eddie trailed his eyes lower, observing the way his hands gripped the steering wheel, tightly holding it then releasing the tension as he slowed down once the traffic eased up. 

Eddie was incredibly blessed to have found a good friend in Buck. He tried not to feel emotional about it, but he couldn’t help how he felt. He didn’t know how his life would have panned out, if he never met one Evan Buckley. Buck had become such a staple in not only his life, but also Christopher’s.

He had become Eddie’s every exhaled prayer and every inhaled desire. 

His thoughts weighed heavy on his mind. Never had he tried picking apart how much Buck meant to him. He just knew he was special. He knew their friendship was special. He also knew it was changing, but didn’t know in what manner. His stomach felt like it would tighten, whenever Buck drew closer. 

Like symptoms of an illness, he wondered when it first began. He wanted to know how to appease this pain, but then decided it wasn’t painful. The tightening of his stomach didn’t feel like sharp prickles of regret, embedded into his navel like a knife. 

The tightening of his stomach felt like restrained hopes and desires. It felt like wrapping everything, only his subconscious self thought about, tightly into a woven basket holding all of his unspoken love and hesitant happiness. 

Buck changed the playlist and rested his hand on the armrest between them. Could he permit himself to rest his hand on Buck’s. Could he trace the skin, between index and thumb, with his own. Could he play off the touch as casual skin-ship between friends? 

Thoughts of Samuel came to him, completely unbidden and not welcome. Thinking about Samuel, reminded him that he could never successfully play off any form of romantic affection as friendly. He had tried once and had been found out so easily. It had nearly destroyed him back then. He couldn’t allow his friendship to end the same way it had with Samuel. 

Eddie turned away, looking at the highway before him. Traffic grew, as was custom in Los Angeles. As he sat there with the ambience of music falling from Buck’s speakers, Eddie couldn’t stop his mind from conjuring up memories that had been buried. 

Samuel and Eddie were thick as thieves as children. You could never find one, without the other being close behind. The two had grown up together. The Diaz family had moved into the neighborhood two years after the Williamson family had moved in. It was a nice community with even nicer neighbors. His mom had struck up a quick friendship with the Williamson matriarch, Georgia. Mrs. Williamson had five kids of her own. The youngest, Samuel, was only eight months older than Eddie. 

Samuel and Eddie got on like a house on fire. The two mothers were grateful to see such a friendship bloom. Even at eleven years of age, Eddie didn’t have a lot of friends. He was happy that he finally had a friend of his own. 

The years were kind to the two of them. In spite of his problems at home, Eddie was always happy to meet Samuel outside, standing by their adjoined mailboxes while they waited for their bus to pick them up for school. 

The years quickly went by and the two remained the closest of friends. 

It was the beginning of Samuel’s junior year and Eddie’s sophomore year, when Samuel pulled up to Eddie’s driveway with his fancy new blue Chevrolet. Eddie marveled at the car, amazed that Samuel had not only gotten his license, but also a car. 

He was grateful that he had an older friend, who could drive. Eddie had only just turned fifteen and was still a while away from getting his permit. Even when the time came for him to get his learner's permit, he doubted his parents would let him drive their car. His dad was still reeling from him wrecking his car, when he tried driving his mom to the hospital. 

“Ready to get into some trouble, cowboy?” Samuel teased. 

Eddie ran to his car, throwing his backpack in the backseat. The two ditched their first day of class. The bruise that blossomed under his shirt the next day was worth it. 

Samuel was a popular kid and so was Eddie by extension, even though Eddie tended to be more reserved. Both of them were doing well in their respective clubs and activities. Samuel was quickly becoming a star quarterback recruit with schools like The University of Texas, Alabama, and Penn State coming out to see him play. 

Eddie wasn’t getting scouted for baseball, but that was fine. They didn’t have a good enough program at his school to warrant anyone’s attention. Eddie simply played because it was fun. He never thought he’d have a professional career in the MLB. He wasn’t sure he wanted to extend baseball into a college career or even go to college. 

His dad had put college brochures in his room and kept saying how the University of Texas at El Paso had a good engineering program. Eddie knew his dad only wanted him to go to a college close enough that he wouldn’t stray far from home. 

He ripped apart the brochures.

Samuel understood him not wanting to go to college. Sometimes Samuel confessed that he wasn’t sure he wanted to play collegiate football. It had been a dream of his father’s. He wasn’t sure it was his dream anymore. Unfortunately, the Williamson family was a lower middle-income family and he needed a scholarship to afford college. 

"Apparently, they’ll cover tuition and housing. That’s really good, you know. Some only get tuition. I’m meeting with head coaches next weekend. Want to go on a road-trip with me?"

“In the middle of the semester?” Eddie asked. “I’m not sure if my dad would allow that.”

“Don’t worry about your dad. I’ll make some sweet deal that your parents won’t be able to refuse.”

That was how he somehow found himself on a road-trip with Samuel, in the middle of the semester. He’s not sure how he got his parents’ permission. He never asked. He was just happy to get out of town. The two of them were headed to University of Texas and TCU for their first visits. 

Samuel wanted to go to Alabama, but his parents said they’d take a road trip as a family for further destinations. Samuel had acquiesced, thankful that they could at least go to Austin and Dallas. 

The road trip itself was very fun. First, they went to TCU and then drove to UT. Eddie had never stepped foot on a college campus. Now he could see why some people enjoyed heading to college. Eddie might be tempted to go and experience this so-called freedom they talked about. But he would do so at a college furthest away from Texas. Heck, he might even try Washington. 

The two boys found themselves back in their hotel that the Williamson family had graciously paid for.

"I think I really like it here,” Samuel confessed, hidden by the darkness of the room and the blanket slightly obscuring his face. 

Eddie turned over in his own bed, “I like it here for you too. Austin is nice. I’d think you’d really thrive here. It’d be a nice place to visit sometimes.”

Samuel laughed brightly. “Ahh, yes. I forgot you were tagging along to plan out vacation spots. You could apply here too. I’m sure there are some programs that could interest you.”

Eddie remained silent. 

Samuel continued, “But if you don't, my dorm will always be open to you. Think the RA would let me make a copy of the key to my dorm? That way you can come by anytime. Make it a surprise.”

“Oh, yes. I’d really love to come to your dorm one day, greet you after practice, just lying on your bed doing nothing,” Eddie drawled. 

“Now that’d be a sight for sore eyes, cowboy,” Samuel leered, his tone taking on a hint of suggestion. 

Eddie bit his lip, knowing Samuel didn’t mean it the way it came across. “We’ll see.”

"Don’t make a promise you can’t keep. I’ll be expecting you,” Samuel said. “Hey, come over here. You’re too far.”

They were only separated by a bedside table. 

“No, I’m not.”

“Come on. Remember when we were kids, we’d share a bed. It’s not all that different. Your body is a freaking furnace and it’s cold in here.”

“You can turn the temperature up.”

“Then I’d have to get out of bed,” Samuel pouted. 

“Oh, but I’m the one who has to get out of bed?”

“Don’t be stingy with your warmth, Eddie Diaz. Come on, it's basically the same as when we had sleepovers as kids. Don’t make it weird.”

“We’re not kids anymore Samuel,” Eddie laughed, but grabbed his pillow and made it over to Samuel’s bed.  

“I know, but I missed this,” Samuel whispered, unsure of how Eddie would take his honesty. Samuel reached out to grasp Eddie’s hands. 

“Me too.”

For all their growing up, there were still parts of their childhood that stayed with them. In the quiet stillness of the night, the two boys slept soundly. When they woke up, neither commented on how closely they were wrapped within each other's embrace. That was not how they slept as children. Neither could voice the difference, nor did they want to say how welcome the difference was to them. 

Sometimes Eddie’s fingers would brush against Samuel’s as he passed him a pencil in the only class the two of them shared, even knowing that Samuel always had a pack of number two pencils. Other times Samuel would pass Eddie in the hallways, affectionately ruffling his hair and allowing his fingers to trail down his ear to his chin. Eddie liked how Samuel never pointed out how he chased after the touch. 

Their closeness, passed off as friendship, had its limitations. All Eddie knew was that on a random day, as he was heading to the Williamson house, he saw Samuel arguing outside with his parents. Mr. Williamson threw a look toward him, one full of such vitriol that it shook Eddie to the core. 

Mr. Williamson never yelled at his children. He certainly never looked at Eddie with contempt. He didn’t know what changed, but all of a sudden his interactions with Samuel lessened. He didn’t offer a ride to school. He didn’t ruffle his hair as he passed him in the hallways. 

But that all changed, when Samuel pulled up to his house one night saying that they needed to talk. Eddie wanted to know the reason for the frigid silent-treatment, so he agreed to meet him outside. He wanted to amend whatever was happening in his friendship with Samuel.  He could deal with his dad’s reprimand later. 

He got into Samuel’s car and waited for him to start talking. He didn’t begin talking, even as he pulled into park at the lot of their school’s baseball field. Samuel got out of the car and Eddie followed him. 

Samuel had never taken up smoking. So it came as a surprise, when Samuel rested against the hood of his car and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He pocketed the pack and pulled out a lighter, giving life to the thing that Eddie was sure would kill him. 

Eddie held back his dislike of smoking though. He didn’t know if Samuel would take it the wrong way and leave him behind again. 

A few minutes passed. Samuel didn’t speak, until his cigarette had nearly shortened to the length of a small June bug. 

“My dad is telling me I have to join the army,” Samuel confessed, fragmented laughter cutting the tension between them. “I don’t even think I’ll be able to finish up my junior year.”

“What?” Eddie exclaimed. “That’s…you can’t.”

Samuel turned sullen eyes to him. Tears were already beginning to rest on his eyelashes. “Tell that to my dad.”

“But college-”

Samuel tilted his head upward to the sky, exhaling a thin line of smoke. “College is a faraway dream now. Maybe I’ll be able to go after I finish my service. It depends upon whether or not I get killed first.”

“He can’t do that. You’re not even eighteen yet.”

“You can go at 17, if you have your parents' signed consent. My dad was ready to sign me away into the custody of the good ole’ American army as soon as the papers were slid in front of him. He says as soon as I turn 17 next August, he's shipping me off.”

Eddie felt his heart break. He was spending so much time, ruminating over why Samuel had pulled back. If he had known about the turmoil Samuel was dealing with, he would have reached out. He was a bad friend. 

“Can't you try stalling his plans, until you turn 18? You’ll be an adult by then. You won’t have to do what your dad says then. Just wait one year, please. You can make your own decisions,” Eddie said, voicing the things he often told himself late at night, when everyone else in the house was asleep. “If you want to get away, wait until you’re 18. I don’t know what's wrong, but the army isn’t the solution.”

“It is the only situation to this problem,” Samuel gritted out, kicking at stray rocks on the ground. 

“What problem?” Eddie stuttered, ready to reach out to him. 

“Eddie.” Samuel broke away from his outstretched hands. “Don’t make me say it.”

Eddie stepped in front of him. "Hey, what’s happening? You’ve been weird these past few days.”

Samuel laughed as though Eddie had told him the punchline of the world’s funniest joke. Eddie wasn’t finding anything funny. He wanted to know what was wrong with his best friend to the point he decided he couldn’t talk to him anymore. Wasn’t that the reason they were here? He needed him to talk. 

“Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on with you. What’s wrong?”

“Me.”

“What do you mean…you?”

“Something’s wrong with me, Eddie. And college won’t fix it, but maybe the military will,” Samuel cried, tears running down his cheeks. “My dad says he knows it will.”

Eddie reached out, swiping his tears with his hands. Samuel snatched his hands away and threw it off of him. Eddie recoiled and felt his body put up a wall. He never had to do that with Samuel. 

Samuel’s eyes shuttered close, lips quivering. Eddie wanted to reach out and press his thumb against it, to stop them from trembling. He had felt the softness of them, once when he wiped away the residue of blueberry syrup. He had played it off as helping a friend and was grateful that Samuel never mentioned how it lingered a few seconds too long. 

“Don’t Eddie. It isn’t fair anymore, okay. It’s not fair,” Samuel cried. 

“What’s not fair? Hey, talk to me. Is it financial aid? I thought scouts were looking at you. I thought you were getting offers. It’s not even your senior year, yet. You can’t go.”

“I can’t stay here. My folks won’t let me. It’s either the military or…” Samuel gasps. “Eddie, I can’t. I’m really going to have to enlist.”

Eddie couldn’t imagine Samuel enlisting. He knew kids their age did it. A lot of recruiters came to their school because they knew most of their student population didn’t have college as a financially smart option. And El Paso was hurting for jobs. 

"We’ll figure something out,” Eddie said. “Hey, look at me.”

Eddie tilted Samuel’s chin up, which would be laughable with Samuel still being nearly five inches taller than him. Eddie hadn’t hit his growth spurt yet, but his dad had assured him that Diaz men hit their growth spurt, once they turned eighteen. Eddie still had time.  

Samuel looked up, eyes glassy and red. All of a sudden all the weight Samuel had been holding, fell onto Eddie’s shoulder. Sobs wracked the teenage boy, of only sixteen years of age. Eddie held him in his arms, switching their positions so he could rest on the hood of the car and carry more of Samuel’s weight. 

“It’s not fair Eddie. I can’t help it. I swear,” Samuel shakily said, dropping his head against Eddie’s collarbone. Hot puffs of air left his lips. It felt like the impression of a kiss. Eddie pressed back against the whisper of its touch. 

Samuel pulled back and Eddie wanted to erase every bit of pain from his body. He would draw it into his own soul, should Samuel be given respite. He had only begun to think of ways to ease Samuel’s burden, when Samuel curled his hand around Eddie’s neck and drew him in. 

The kiss tasted of salty tears and regret that would be tomorrow’s worry. Eddie leant into the affection easily and greedily, mouth parted on a gasp. Samuel took that as permission to pour out more of his heart into Eddie and for a person so deprived of love, Eddie accepted everything that he had to offer. 

Eddie didn’t care for the way the bumper cut into the back of his knees. He feared if he moved one inch, he would burst the bubble they found themselves in. 

Eventually, Samuel pulled away, pressing a kiss first to Eddie’s forehead and then to Eddie’s cheek. He looked solemn, not at all how Eddie was feeling. He wanted more.

Samuel sighed, pinched the brow of his nose, and stepped away from Eddie thus taking away all the warmth in the space they shared. How could Samuel call Eddie a furnace, when he had never felt such a deep seated chill run its course in his body?

“Let’s get you home,” Samuel said, patting Eddie’s chest and heading to the driver’s side. 

Eddie stayed there for a few seconds, dumbfounded. It seemed Samuel was fine to wait. Eddie took some more minutes to himself, calming down the panic of what this meant. Did it mean something? Or was this something friends did? 

Eddie dissociated from the panic and slid into the passenger seat. The two remained quiet, during that thirty minute drive home. Samuel didn’t turn on the radio and he hated driving in silence. 

“I’m sorry,” Samuel said, once they had pulled into his driveway. 

Eddie couldn’t look at him, but nodded in acceptance. He didn’t know exactly what he was forgiving Samuel for. He wished Samuel would tell him. But it didn’t matter.

Samuel had stayed long enough for the summer to come and transition to fall. August arrived far to soon. The seventeen candles, on his birthday cake, didn't even have the chance to be blown out, before Samuel was being sent off to the army. 

By the time Eddie was ready to start his junior year, he had no one to wait with him at those conjoined mailboxes - one leaning slightly to the left because Samuel had backed up into it accidentally. Eddie had held onto that year for as long as he could. That summer had been good. It had been as good as it could with Samuel enlisting that fall and still keeping secrets from him.

But Eddie didn't care. He could keep all the secrets he wanted...and for as long as he wanted. Because those secrets kept him closer, in some indescribable way. 

Soon the weeks flew by and Eddie was soothed by his absence with letters. Sometimes he would bring a letter to school, reading it in the library and pretending Samuel was still there with him. Samuel was supposed to be enjoying his senior year and getting ready for their upcoming football season. But he wasn't. He no longer had the chance to be Varsity Captain or campaign for his well deserved second year of student council president. 

However, Eddie tried not to be sad about missing him. Those letters, that affectionately exchanged his name with cowboy and sweetheart, were enough for him.  Eddie kept the letters Samuel wrote, putting it next to a green journal that bore all of his deepest secrets.

Samuel had to become another one.

Then one day, the letters stopped. 

The spring break of his senior year, Eddie had gone to the mall to buy his abuela a birthday present. Stepping outside of the department store, he was surprised to see Samuel sitting in the food court opposite of a woman he never seen before. The woman wasn't familiar to him. Eddie couldn't claim to know all of Samuel's friends. He had a lot. She was beautiful though. Her red hair was pulled into a high ponytail, an endless wave of curls falling over her shoulders. Samuel must have wanted to meet a few friends and catch up. That was nice of him. 

A smile overcame his facial expression. He walked over, wanting to say hello. Briefly, he wondered why Samuel hadn't told him he was on leave. Excitedly, he wondered if this was meant to be a surprise. He had seen so many videos of soldiers coming home and surprising their loved ones. Maybe...just maybe Samuel wanted to make things special. 

He felt his cheeks flush, tightening on the shopping bag. He should let Samuel surprise him, but he couldn't stop himself. He had missed him so much. Surely, Samuel wouldn't be annoyed that the surprise had been ruined. He walked to their table, excited that Samuel was here in person. It was so much better than only having letters. 

“Hey, Samuel,” he said, voice full of excitement. 

Samuel looked up to him, expression shuttering closed. Eddie shifted on his feet, confused as to why Samuel didn't say anything. He waited for him to introduce him to his friend. Samuel would always draw Eddie in by the waist, elbow, or shoulder. He would pull him into his space and introduce him to whatever friend he was talking to. 

But he didn't do that. 

Why didn't he pull him in like he always did?

His question was answered, when Samuel disinterestedly looked at him and introduced Eddie by saying, “He’s the kid of one of my mom’s friends. We kind of grew up together.”

Eddie froze, holding his hand out. She shook his hand and Eddie could smell the waft of lavender poured out from her wrists. Samuel hated lavender. She smiled brightly at him and waited for Samuel to introduce her. Eddie couldn't hear what he said, but he saw Samuel's lips form the word.

Girlfriend.

That was the first time he tasted shame and felt heat crawl in his throat. After spring break ended and he was back at school, he asked Shannon if instead of going to the spring dance as friends that maybe she would go as his girlfriend. He hadn't expected her to say yes. In many ways, he had hoped she would say no.

But she had lightly teased him by saying, "Take me out on a date first and we'll go from there."

Shannon was good for him. She truly was. Shannon muted the dark crawling sensation of shame. He didn’t know if he liked her, but he liked the way she distracted him. For a while it was enough to distract him from a feeling of wrongness. 

It was a temporary balm to a gaping wound in Eddie’s heart. He started wondering whether there was a better solution to eradicate the wrongness that pulled apart at Eddie’s skin. 

And when he went into the military he wondered if it would fix him, like it had fixed Samuel. 

His thoughts of Samuel fizzled off, the bittersweet nostalgia curdling like pain. He didn’t like thinking about Samuel anymore. And he didn’t want to compare his friendship with Buck to his childhood friendship with Samuel. 

He was glad his body operated on autopilot as he was led to Buck’s loft. He eased his hands out of their balled up position. He unclenched his jaw and shook his head to get rid of the tension in his neck. He tried calming himself, all the way up to Buck’s door. He needed to relax, before Buck turned around and saw he was falling apart. 

He couldn’t loosen his control over his emotions right now. He sat down on Buck’s couch, queuing up Netflix and searching for the movie Buck mentioned while he waited for Buck to finish his shower. 

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, when a freshly showered Buck came to Eddie handing over some clothes. Eddie looked up and  took the clothes, which was normal for them. Sometimes they had clothes at one another’s house and other times they had to borrow each other’s clothes. 

Eddie reached out his hands, touching the soft fabric. Buck had a lot of shirts, whose sleeves had been stretched out. He had the nervous habit of pulling at the sleeves of his shirt, whenever he grew stressed.  Eddie had seen Buck wear that shirt on multiple occasions, sinking into the shirt as a child would do a blanket. He knew how much he loved that faded baby blue shirt that was made of the softest cotton. 

Peering over at Buck, he scrutinized the way in which Buck’s eyes flitted around the room. 

“This is your comfort shirt,” Eddie said, the words coming out accusatory though he didn’t mean it as such. 

Buck coughed into his hand. “I haven’t had the chance to do laundry yet.” 

Eddie looked up, amazed by the selflessness of his friend. He stood up, hugging Buck tightly. 

“Where’s this coming from? I mean not that I’m confused because I love a good hug, especially from my second favorite Diaz,” Buck said, wrapping his arms around Eddie. 

Eddie didn’t say anything in response to his question. Instead, he rested his chin between the space of Buck’s ear and shoulder. He gave a cursory sniff, the smell of pine and vanilla filling his nostrils. The two stayed standing that way for a while. Eddie didn’t keep track of time. Buck didn’t either. 

Then Eddie stepped away from the embrace, hand outstretching to rest on Buck’s shoulder. His thumb settled on the pulse point there. He didn’t give name to the feeling, surging inside of him, when he felt Buck’s pulse quicken. Satisfied with the way it thrummed underneath his touch, he headed off to take a quick shower. 

He came back downstairs, after his shower and settled on the couch beside Buck. Their shoulders pressed up tight against the other. Buck’s couch had enough room for them to spread out comfortably, but they never needed that much space between them. 

“Are you ready to start the movie?” Buck questioned, pulling the popcorn bowl off of the table and into his lap. 

“Yeah, we can start it now.”

“It’s a good one. You’ll really enjoy it,” Buck said, pressing play and stuffing a handful of popcorn into his mouth. 

Eddie would have to take his word for it because he didn't last thirty minutes into the movie. He fell asleep and if he allowed himself to rest his head on Buck’s shoulder, he prayed it would come across as him being deeply tired. It didn’t matter that he was awake enough to know how far he would have to tilt his head to comfortably rest on Buck’s shoulder. 

If he felt the press of lips against his temple and fingers brushing against the curls lying against his nape, he knew to pass it off as a dream. 

A dream was easier to rationalize. It was reality that frightened him.

Chapter Text

I sit alone in a castle of isolation

And everyday I grow more and more impatient

While you keep me waiting

Waiting for your call

But you never call

If I didn’t know different

I’d think you didn’t care at all

You said you’d meet me halfway

But I know you won’t 

And more than not these days

I feel this way

But, these four walls keep me company

They don’t ask for much

Don’t just up and leave

These four walls

I’ve got these four walls

Even when you don’t call. 

These Four Walls, Khamari

Eddie’s family had invited the Williamsons to spend the Fourth of July with them at their family’s ranch, owned by Eddie's abuelo. His abuelo had been the primary ranch hand for the previous owner, Mr. Cavanaugh. He had worked and toiled on that ranch for decades, tilling the land under Mr. Cavanaugh’s watchful eye. 

He developed a close kinship to Mr. Cavanaugh and the man treated his abuelo as one of his own. His abuelo told him that Mr. Cavanaugh’s children and grandchildren weren’t interested in taking care of the ranch or inheriting what their father clearly wanted to leave to them. Most of them had run off to places such as: Oklahoma, Chicago, and New York. They didn’t want to be saddled down in El Paso. 

So that left Mr. Cavanaugh alone. His wife had died several years, before his abuelo began to work there. 

When Mr. Cavanaugh reached the final years of his life, he had it written that Eddie’s abuelo would inherit the ranch. It wasn’t very profitable and he knew none of his children would come to contest that portion of the will. 

And his abuelo loved that ranch. 

Eddie loved it too. 

He loved the summers spent there, whenever his parents would decide to make the long drive outside the city. His sisters didn’t enjoy it quite as much. They weren’t huge fans of the chickens running around or the cattle walking toward them. 

But they all agreed that spending July 4th at their abuelo’s ranch was the best. His family didn’t celebrate the actual holiday. It was more of a time to gather with family and eat good food. 

Eddie was especially excited that the Williamsons would be joining them that year. 

A lot of his cousins were older than him. His dad and mom had waited quite a bit to have children of their own. And his sisters were two peas in a pod, fully able to entertain themselves.  The adults were busy eating and playing games outside. His own parents were occupied in an intense game of dominoes. Usually, Eddie would always find himself moving between different family members, until he grew tired and went to the stable to talk to the horses.

However, this year he was able to spend the day with Samuel. 

Eddie and Samuel sneakily went inside the house to take a few popsicles from the refrigerator. They had almost cleaned out the whole box. The only evidence, they left behind, were the popsicle wrappers strewn down on the wooden steps of the back porch. 

Eddie leant back against the rocking chair’s legs. He held his hand up in front of his face, shielding his eyes from the sun. It was only a few hours until sunset and Eddie couldn’t wait. He was one second away from being like the popsicle he was currently eating, which was melting faster than Eddie had a chance to eat. 

“Here,” Samuel said, handing over his popsicle that had gotten down to the blue part of the Bomb Pop. His own fingers were still catching the blue syrup that had melted. 

Eddie took the popsicle from him. He was now holding two popsicles that were down to the blue raspberry portion of the red, white, and blue popsicle. He licked alongside the popsicle. The sweetened artificial flavoring provided a nice cooling relief from how hot it was outside. 

They had spent most of the day running around the ranch. Eddie had given Samuel the tour of his abuelo’s home and every animal he owned on this ranch. Samuel walked around, captivated by everything. It made him happy that his new friend was enjoying his time here. 

He knew a lot of people wouldn’t want to spend July 4th at a ranch. When his mom had told him and his sisters that the Williamsons would be joining them at the ranch, Eddie was concerned.

He didn’t know if Samuel would take well to the atmosphere. It was different from the city. 

He had no reason to be concerned. Samuel was enjoying his time tremendously. He hadn’t run away from the pigs, when they pressed their snouts against his bony knees. He hadn’t shied away, when Eddie asked if he wanted to hold their chicken, Ruby. 

Samuel had taken it all in with a smile wide enough to show off the neon green wired braces and purple rubber bands in his mouth. He was going through a “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle” phase at the moment. Eddie learned a lot about Samuel’s favorite turtle, Donatello.

Eddie didn’t really watch cartoons. His parents had a time limit on TV and he’d rather Sophia and Adriana be able to watch their shows. He enjoyed watching telenovelas with his abuela.

Samuel turned toward him, the corners of his lips red like someone failed to color inside the lines. The towel, he had been using to dry his hair, hung halfway over his face. 

Eddie directed his full attention to him. 

By then, the porch lights had come on. The light casted a yellow glow on Samuel, making his green eyes appear hazel. Eddie could already see the beginning of a sunburn make its way on Samuel’s round cheeks and his shoulders. He heard Mrs. Williamson telling Samuel to reapply his sunscreen. He must not have listened. 

Eddie hadn’t been this close to Samuel to where he could see a few freckles scattered over his nose. Samuel smiled at him, tongue peeking out to wipe at the corner of his lips. 

Eddie was worried he would accidentally cut his tongue on his braces. That happened to Samuel a few days ago because a wire had become loose. 

Samuel wore the braces well. He only got them because of the small gap in his front teeth. Eddie had liked the gap and thought it was distinctive, when he first met Samuel. His first impression of Samuel had been his wide-gapped toothy smile, when he shyly came from behind Mrs. Williamson’s shadow. 

Samuel had hated the gap in his teeth and his parents scheduled him to get braces. Now he kept changing the colors every time he visited the orthodontist. 

Eddie had pleaded with his mom to get braces, but she kept saying his teeth were perfectly fine. 

She didn’t get it. A lot of kids his age were getting braces and he wanted them too. He wanted to head into seventh grade with cool new blue braces and orange rubber bands. 

Though when he told Samuel that, Samuel had shook his head and said, “Trust me. It’s not worth it. I can’t even eat candy anymore.”

That was the end of Eddie’s dreams to have braces. He loved candy. 

Eddie finished his popsicle and looked at the joke on the stick. “What do you call a sleeping cow?”

He held the popsicle stick close to his face. Samuel moved his head to the side. He tapped his index finger against his chin. 

“A sleeping cow?”

“Yes, what do you call a sleeping cow?”

Samuel frowned. Eddie’s lips tilted upward. They were 4:3 with answering the jokes on the popsicle sticks. This would determine if Eddie won or if Samuel could somehow bring them to a tie breaker. 

"A milk way cow.”

Eddie scrunched his nose at the answer. “A milky way cow?”

“Yeah, don’t you say your dreams lead you to the milky way?”

“No.”

“Oh, well-”

“Is that your final answer?”

"Well, now it’s not.”

“You have thirty seconds to lock in your final answer,” Eddie seriously warned him and began to sing the tune to the "Jeopardy" theme song. 

Samuel laughed and pushed at his shoulder. “Oh, fuck off. I give up. What’s the answer?”

“A bulldozer.”

Samuel stared at him. 

Eddie stared back. 

The two of them bursted out into loud giggles. Samuel slapped Eddie with his towel. 

“That was the worst one yet.”

“I didn’t say any of them were good.”

“Gosh, my stomach hurts. So much food and so many popsicles.”

Eddie nodded. Even he had exceeded what he thought he could eat. The food was just too good. He knew they would have plenty of leftovers to bring home as they always did. 

Eddie gathered up the wrappers and popsicle sticks. Samuel handed him some that were by his side. The two of them walked back into the house to throw away their trash. Eddie glanced at Samuel. 

“Have you ever ridden a horse before?” 

"Do I look like I have?”

“Nope, not really.”

And he didn’t. Samuel looked every bit of a city boy, just like the ones in the movies his mom watched. He thought that Samuel could easily pass as one of those surfer boys in California. But he didn’t complain. He was glad Samuel was here in El Paso. 

He was his first friend and he hoped they’d be friends for a long time. 

“You want to ride one?”

“What? Right now?” 

Samuel’s eyes widened, thinking that Eddie was clearly joking. 

“Sure.”

“It’s dark outside.”

“Not really. The sun is still out for at least one more hour. I can take you around a lap. You don’t have to, if you don’t want to. Figured you might get bored sitting around until we drove to where the fireworks are going to be.”

His abuelo always offered that they come to his ranch for July 4th, but they would always have to drive to the nearby park where the fireworks were being put on. 

He didn’t want his animals being frightened from the loud noises. His dad told him how he and his siblings had bought fireworks and set them off in the backyard. Two horses got spooked and jumped over the fence. 

“I mean...okay. Yeah, that sounds fun.”

The two put on their t-shirts that had been laying on the porch swing in an attempt for them to dry. The shirts were still damp, but they were no longer heavy with water from their time spent playing in the sprinklers and the water slide. 

Eddie waited for Samuel to pull his long arms through his t-shirt. His head popped over the neckline and he gave a grin to Eddie which he returned. Samuel followed Eddie as they made their way to the stable. 

Eddie went to his favorite horse, Ophelia. He trailed his fingers over her mane, leaning his forehead lightly against hers. He held his hand out for Samuel. Samuel put his hand into his and Eddie guided him to gently pet Ophelia. Samuel followed the instructions well. 

“You always want to introduce yourself to them. Tell them about yourself and ask if it’s okay if you take her for a ride,” Eddie explained. Then at Samuel’s quizzical look, he added, “I’m serious. They don’t appreciate strangers.”

“Okay, ummm. My name is Samuel…ummm…Samuel Williamson. It’s nice to meet you, Ophelia. It’s my first time riding a horse. Be nice to me, please. Don’t throw me off,” Samuel rushed out. 

Eddie laughed, letting go of Samuel’s hands. “She won’t. Ophelia's a really good girl. I’ll help you get on first and then I’ll get on.”

Eddie went ahead and saddled up Ophelia. He made sure her bridle was attached correctly. He didn’t want her to be in any bit of discomfort. Once he made sure everything was safe for her and them, Eddie held his hand out to Samuel. 

Samuel paused. 

“You can always change your mind. We don’t have to take her out for a ride.”

Samuel shook his head. “No, let’s do this.”

Samuel took Eddie’s hand. Eddie helped Samuel to first get on the saddle and then got up on Ophelia. He moved behind Samuel and grabbed her reins. 

“Ready?”

“You better go slow, Diaz. Or I swear. Don’t do those tricks I see at the rodeo,” Samuel warned.

Eddie laughed and clicked the back of his teeth with his tongue. He lightly squeezed his calves against her body and Ophelia began moving. Eddie wasn’t taking her far. He would maybe do a few laps in the horse pen. 

They went a few laps around the pen, increasing speed just a little. It wasn’t enough to make Samuel feel uncomfortable. He only sped up, when he heard Samuel’s breathless excited laughter. 

He leaned forward, resting his chin against Samuel’s shoulder. 

“How’d you like it so far?”

“It’s fun. Do you think we can go a little faster?”

Eddie leant back, having the permission to go slightly faster. Ophelia galloped around the pen, the wind whipping through her mane decorated with obsidian blue ribbons which was a stark contrast to her white coat. 

“I feel so alive!” Samuel yelled, outstretching his arms. He continued to whoop and holler out noises of exuberance.

His head turned slightly toward Eddie. The muted reds and softened oranges fell from the sunset lit sky and filtered through his hair–making the short dark brown curls turn golden. 

Eddie wanted to do this forever. He wanted to introduce Samuel to new experiences that would make him feel limitless and free. He continued making laps around the pen. Soon he started  to slow down, giving Ophelia a break. 

“You know, you really are a true and honest cowboy. I thought I was a Texas boy with my cowboy boots and cowboy hat. But you are a bona fide cowboy. I mean look at you,” Samuel exclaimed, turning back in Eddie’s hold to stare at him. 

“I don’t think I’m a cowboy,” Eddie disagreed. 

“No, for real. Look, I’ll give you my cowboy hat. You more than deserve it. I only got mine because my dad took us square dancing and my mom wanted us all to have matching outfits.”

He grew silent, almost pensive as he ran his hands over Ophelia's mane. 

“This was fun. Thanks for taking me out on Ophelia. I never thought I’d have the chance to ride a horse.”

“Now you can say you have. You did really good on your first time,” Eddie boasted. 

“Think I’ll get better with a little practice? Maybe good enough where I can ride a horse by myself?”

Eddie nodded, moving to a stop so they could get off of Ophelia and take her back to the stable. By then it was getting dark and his abuelo didn’t have lights outside the pen. Eddie got down and helped Samuel dismount. 

The two of them walked alongside one another with Eddie holding onto Ophelia’s rein.

“You think I can come next year? Maybe you can give me some lessons?”

“Definitely! It’ll be so much fun to have you come back,” Eddie happily agreed. “And I don’t know. I think my abuelo or Pepa would be better at giving horse riding lessons. I also have some cousins who compete in the rodeo. Actually my cousin, Valeria, is probably the best bull rider I know. Might be the best in El Paso. She’s thinking about competing in Houston or Ft. Worth next year.”

“She rides bulls?” 

“Yep. There’s a lot of people in my family who would be better at teaching you how to ride a horse. I only know enough to get by.”

“You’re doing great from what I can tell,” Samuel marveled. “What if I wanted to learn from you?”

Eddie led Ophelia back into her stall. He made sure it was securely locked then turned around to face Samuel. 

“I guess I can teach you, if you want,” Eddie promised, already starting to head outside of the stable. 

Samuel reached over to grab his wrist, making Eddie turn to face him. 

“There’s nobody else I’d want to learn from than you, cowboy.”

That’s how Mr. Williamson and his mom found them. Mr. Williamson looked between the two of them. His eyes followed where Samuel’s hands were wrapped around Eddie’s wrist. Eddie felt the way Samuel quickly snatched his fingers away.

“Hi, Mr. Williamson,” Eddie greeted. 

His mom smiled at them and held her hand out for Eddie to slide his into. “We were looking for you two everywhere. The fireworks are about to get started and we’re heading out now.”

"Okay,” Eddie replied. 

“You boys have fun? Eddie introduced you to our horses?”

“Yes, ma’am. It was really fun,” Samuel exclaimed. 

“I’m glad you enjoyed yourselves. Hopefully, you and your family can come again next year.”

“Yes, it was fun. Thank you again for extending the invitation Helena,” Mr. Williamson gratefully told his mom. 

His mom smiled at him. “You’re welcome. It was a pleasure having your family join us. Come on, Eddie.”

He looked back to Mr. Williamson, who was speaking into Samuel’s ear. He had a hand pressed on his shoulder and Eddie saw how it was tilted inches lower than the shoulder that didn’t have his father’s weight on it. 

Samuel caught his gaze and ducked his head. Eddie was confused by whatever just happened, but he ignored it. He ignored it even when they drove to the park that was starting their firework show. 

Everyone began pulling out lawn chairs or blankets to place on the ground for them to sit on. Others sat in their truck beds. Someone was playing music from their car radio, loud enough for everyone to hear. 

Eddie sat in his lawn chair, pressed tightly against Sophia. She had forgotten to bring her own and chose to squeeze herself into Eddie’s chair. Adriana for some reason, claimed she needed her own space and didn’t offer to share her seat with Sophia. Eddie didn’t mind. He was content to let Sophia loop her arm through his and rest her cheek against his shoulder, while they watched the fireworks. 

Eddie looked around to see if Samuel was enjoying the fireworks. 

Samuel was busy roughhousing with his older brothers as his sisters and their parents laughed at their antics. However, he still managed to catch Eddie’s gaze. Samuel grinned wild and joyously. Eddie smiled back, watching as the fireworks casted a multitude of lights over his face. Samuel was the perfect canvas for all of those arraying colors. 

Eddie looked back at the fireworks, thinking to himself that he hoped every Fourth of July was spent like this…on his abuelo’s ranch, riding horses with his best friend Samuel. 

Eddie woke up to the sound of knocking. He peered over at Buck, who was still sound asleep. He didn’t know who fell asleep first, but he did know after his head fell on Buck’s shoulder that fighting sleep was a losing battle. Blearily he blinked open his eyes, to get rid of the haze of sleepiness. 

He didn’t know who could be at Buck’s loft at nearly nine in the morning. He decided he’d check and let Buck catch a few more minutes of rest. Eddie had a key to his place, so it’d be normal to check who was at the door. 

Eddie opened the door to Tommy’s surprised expression. He didn’t know why he was surprised. This was basically Eddie’s second home. 

“Buck’s still sleeping,” Eddie remarked. He saw the way Tommy’s eyes went over his shoulder, as if expecting Buck to come walking up behind him. 

Eddie leant against the door, lazily looking Tommy up and down. He wondered why he was here. Buck hadn’t mentioned Tommy coming over. Plus Buck had already made brunch plans with him. 

“Are you going to let me in or do I need to see if I’m on the guest list?” Tommy joked. 

“Funny. Funny guy,” Eddie dryly responded as he held the door open. “Yeah, come in. Sorry, I’m still brushing off sleep.”

Tommy went into Buck’s loft, walking over to where Buck was still asleep. Tommy leant down, pressing a kiss on his forehead and saying something softly to Buck. Eddie ignored the two, in favor of…well protecting his peace. 

He didn’t know why it bothered him, but who shows up to someone’s house uninvited? That sounded like bad house training. That’s amongst the three main house rules that included: 

1. If you’re driving someone home, wait until they are safely inside, before driving off. 
2. Offer to wash dishes, if you’ve used them. 
3. Never show up to someone’s house uninvited. Call first to make sure they are accepting guests. 

He rolled his eyes and told Buck he was going to get dressed, so they could head off to brunch. He hoped Tommy would have left, by the time he got dressed. Imagine his disappointment, when Tommy was still there. Then imagine how the disappointment tripled, when Buck asked if Tommy could tag along to their brunch. 

Who was Eddie to say no to the request?

That’s how he found himself sitting in the backseat of Tommy’s stupid truck. Tommy offered to drive, which made no sense because they had a shift later that evening. Of course Tommy, the ever so gracious person that he was, said he’d spin back around to Buck’s place so they could drive his jeep later. 

Now Eddie was listening to Tommy’s playlist that was so different from the music Buck liked. He had his arms crossed tightly over his chest, scowl only moving into the mockery of a smile, when Tommy’s eyes met his in the rearview mirror. He tuned the two of them out, only adding a few one-word interjections, when it seemed like they were waiting for his commentary. 

They made it to the restaurant and Eddie gave the performance of a lifetime. He made it seem like he was happy that Tommy had added himself in their brunch plans. 

Buck was showing them a cooking video he had seen on Instagram, when he paused talking.  

He smiled at his phone and clicked on something. “It looks like Christopher had a good time yesterday.”

“He posted something?” Eddie said, already pulling out his phone. 

“Yeah,” Buck said. “It’s on his story.”

Eddie immediately went to check his Instagram, but didn’t see a new story from Christopher. “I don’t see anything.”

Buck frowned. “Really? Let me see, maybe he just deleted it. Hold on. No, it’s still there. See.”

Eddie leaned forward to get a better look at the story and saw that it was shared to his close friends’ list. He leant back into his chair a little defeated. 

“Guess, he only shared it with his close friends,” Eddie answered, biting the inside of his cheek. Suddenly, he was interested in staring at his menu. 

“But you're in his close friends’ list…oh,” Buck concernedly replied, realizing what Eddie was quick to catch on to. 

Eddie laughed dryly. “It’s okay. I mean…yeah. It’s fine.”

“Maybe he’s getting to the age where he doesn’t want his dad to see everything he does,” Tommy said. 

Buck nodded his head. “Yeah, maybe that’s it. He’s turning fourteen soon. He’ll probably add you back to it later. It might have even been a mistake. You know how iffy technology is.”

Eddie appreciated that they were trying to uplift his mood. Besides he had no reason to be downtrodden over his son removing him from his close friends’ list. He had no right to be sad over that, but it hurt a little. 

It hurt even more that just that morning Eddie had a barrage of texts from his dad about how much fun Christopher was having on the ranch. He said they would be staying there that week and head back home after July 4th. His parents had included a few videos of Christopher helping his Tío Hector, who had taken over the ranch after his abuelo passed. 

Eddie was thankful that he was having fun in El Paso. Above all of his hopes, that Christopher would return home soon, was Christopher’s happiness. 

However, it hurt when his dad snidely told him that Christopher could have been experiencing more family gatherings. Eddie had done what was best for himself and his son. Yet his parents always made a tiny inkling of doubt saturate his thoughts. 

Had he been taking away from Christopher’s time with his extended family?

They had some family scattered in California, but most of his family was in Texas. Had he ever asked Christopher if he wanted to go back home for a bit? 

He blinked his eyes at his menu, the words swirling together. Buck and Tommy began talking to each other, realizing that Eddie needed some time to himself. All Eddie wanted to do was go home and sleep for another few hours…or sleep until Christopher came back home. 

“You know what you’re getting?” Buck questioned, setting aside his menu and placing it on top of Tommy’s. 

Buck and Tommy knew what they were getting. Buck was first to decide what he wanted because he liked to look at the menus beforehand. He would choose three menu items that looked good and then come to the restaurant to deliberate which best fit his cravings in the moment. 

“No, there’s a lot of options here. I’ve never seen so many breakfast options. It's a little overwhelming,” Eddie said, perusing the menu. 

“Options overwhelm you?” Tommy laughed. “Figured having options would be the least of anybody’s concern.”

Eddie felt embarrassment lick at the back of his neck. He shifted uncomfortably. 

“It’s okay to be overwhelmed with options,” Buck said, side-eyeing Tommy. “How about you tell us what food you’re in the mood for. What have you been craving lately?”

Tommy for his part looked properly chastised, but he shouldn’t have to. It’s not Tommy’s fault that he was particularly sensitive right now. 

“Umm, fish. I guess.”

“Fish is good. Let’s see what they have,” Buck said, opening his menu. 

“You should try the chipotle tilapia breakfast sandwich,” Tommy kindly offered. “Or there’s a salmon omelet.”

They listed off things, narrowing it down from stuff Eddie did and didn’t like. By the time they had ordered, Eddie felt like his social battery was completely drained. With Buck he never felt like he had to perform. He was honestly happy to be in his presence. Such was also the case with Christopher and the 118. 

But Tommy had him honing in on instincts he was learning to let go of. It didn't feel like this before. When he first hung out with Tommy, things were normal. He enjoyed doing Muay Thai with him and going to wrestling matches. Despite that, there was something about him that irritated his soul to the utmost degree. 

He couldn’t place why. He figured he would eventually get over it. He’d deal with that before it became too serious of a problem.  

Once brunch was over, Tommy drove them back to Buck’s loft. The moment they returned, Eddie walked to Buck’s jeep expecting him to follow. Their shift started in only an hour and they needed to start heading there. With no awareness of time, Tommy and Buck kept talking. He put his head down as Tommy pulled Buck into a kiss. Buck leaned in to Tommy and Eddie felt a grimace pull at his face. He tried schooling his features in case they turned to face him. 

He turned away, fully intending to give them their privacy. 

He didn’t know why he was aggravated. Tommy was cool. The times he hung out with him were fine. He wasn’t monopolizing that much of Buck’s time. Sure, he added himself to their brunch plans and was now making them late to work. 

But it was fine…it was all fine. It was great. Splendid. Perfect. 

Eddie resolved to get over whatever was happening in his mind right then and there. 

The one minute countdown, he practiced in Frank’s session, did not help. 

It was not fine. It was not great. It was not splendid. And it was not perfect. 

It was obnoxiously annoying how much it affected his mood. 

Eddie hated how much it bothered him.

And it bothered him for the rest of the day.

It bothered him, when Buck came walking back toward him and asked if he was ready to head to work. It bothered him, the moment they got their first call of the day. 

He decided to take a nap in the bunkroom and hoped those feelings wouldn’t follow him in his sleep.

Update, the annoyance followed him even in his moments of rest. 

It continued bothering him, while they went through their chores. Finally, the annoyance shifted its attention to someone else...his parents. Thankfully, he could pinpoint the reason behind the aggravation. 

His parents were calling more frequently. He had several unread text messages from them within the past three hours. Honestly, he heard more from them within these last few days than he had heard from them in an entire year. They didn’t make it a daily habit to call or text Eddie.  

Eddie had made the mistake of telling his parents to make sure Christopher was reapplying sunscreen. He had seen in the picture, Christopher posted to his story, that his cheeks were already red. 

Christopher typically needed a few reminders to make sure he was putting on sunscreen because he got sunburnt fairly easily. Shannon had the same issue and proclivity to forget to reapply sunscreen. She thought applying it once was good enough. But that was not enough to stand up against the Texas heat. 

He recalled one time where Shannon was pregnant with Christopher and she had bought a children’s inflatable pool to put in his family’s backyard. She couldn’t get cold in the house and thought it would be a good solution. She came in hours later, complaining about how sensitive her skin was and Eddie pressed one hand to her bright red shoulder. 

It was then that Eddie learned just how strong Shannon was. She wasn’t their softball team’s star pitcher for nothing. 

Even after that disastrous sun-burning situation, Eddie still had to frequently remind her to put on sunscreen. 

Christopher had his mother’s penchant for agreeing that he didn’t need more sunscreen. Eddie was the only one who could implore him to use more. He knew he would be distracted having fun with all his cousins. And if they were planning on staying at his abuelo’s ranch for a few more days, he wanted to make sure his son was good. 

Of course that simple request was met with pushback. His mom asked him whether he thought they couldn’t take care of Christopher. He didn’t respond to her text. He recognized the bait for what it was. He wasn’t about to bite at it and be reeled into another argument with his parents. He was aware his parents were waiting for one. 

He wouldn’t give in to the pressure. 

But they were making it really hard to keep things calm, peaceful, and respectful. 

They kept asking, when they could expect to receive Christopher’s transcript.

They didn’t appreciate him saying they’d receive it as soon as pigs learned to fly and Texas shut down all their Whataburger franchises. His phone was still blowing up with text messages from them. He had half the nerve to block them, but knew they were his primary communication with Christopher. 

Hen checked him in the shoulder, knocking him out of his spiraling thoughts. “You okay, Eddie? You blanked out for nearly half of the conversation.”

He stopped running his cleaning rag over the engine. He sighed harshly under his breath. 

“Sorry, just…my parents keep calling. Doesn’t matter to them that I’m at work or that I’ve told them many times that what they’re asking for isn’t happening,” Eddie seethed. 

“What’s not happening?” Hen prompted, looking over from where she was tediously folding the hoses. 

“Going to school in El Paso. It’s only the last week of June. The school semester doesn’t begin, until August. They keep talking to me like Christopher is staying for good. They’re not his legal guardian. I am Christopher’s legal guardian. If that were to change, they still wouldn’t have authority because Buck would then be Christopher’s legal guardian. They can’t just supersede our wishes like that.”

“Pause, we’ll come back to the legal guardian thing because whoa that’s a serious responsibility that you’ve shared with Buck,” Chimney stated, swinging his legs over the top of the fire truck, from where he was seated. 

He could feel Buck’s inquisitive gaze and Hen’s mirrored expression. Hen must've been clued into how much he trusted Buck, when he added Buck to his lists of emergency contacts. 

“Ah, well you know. I trust Buck with my life. Christopher is my entire life,” Eddie explained. 

“Yes, that makes total sense,” Chimney agreed, seriously. “Honestly, you couldn't have chosen a better person to help your son.”

Buck beamed proudly, thriving in the support from his brother-in-law. “Aw, thanks Chimney. Never knew you thought so highly of me.”

Chimney snorted. “Don’t get used to it, Buck. I have to keep my cards close to my chest. I’ll only tell you a true compliment maybe three times a year. This one’s already been used up. Be wise how the other two are spent.”

“Maddie tells me all the time how much you love me,” Buck preened, looking up from where he’d been doing inventory. 

The expanse of the sky widened in Chimney’s eyes as stars appeared at the mention of Maddie. “I can’t fault my wife for that. She loves sharing good things.”

He could tell how much Chimney loved his wife. How the inflection of wife softened with a lilt of awe. He tried thinking back to see if he ever added affection in the word wife . 

He didn’t think he did. In fact, he distinctly remembered stuttering over, “I, Edmundo Diaz, take Shannon Kelley as my lawfully wedded wife.” 

He remembered clammy hands sliding his abuela’s ring over her finger. Remembered the kiss tasting like unfulfilled expectations and broken promises. 

“I thought you said they had stopped texting you about that, after you told them Christopher will be coming back in time for this school year. They’re still trying to enroll Christopher in another school?” Buck angrily spat out, nearly throwing the clipboard out of his hands from disbelief. “That’s insane. They can’t do that.”

“Try telling them,” Eddie chuckled, the sound getting lost in his throat. 

“Give me their number,” Buck lividly demanded. “In fact, I’ll book a flight to El Paso right now so I can talk to them face to face.” 

And if Eddie didn’t know any better, he’d think Buck was putting up a front. But he knew Buck would call his parents, the moment he had their number. 

“No, it hasn’t gotten to that point. They know they have no rights to make those decisions. I think they keep pushing to see if I cave in, but I will never cave where Christopher’s best interests are concerned.”

“That’s right. We know what’s best for our kids,” Hen claimed, finishing folding the hose. 

“Ha, if I knew what was best for my kid I would’ve never entertained the whole Kim situation,” Eddie berated. 

By then everyone knew about the Kim situation. They were out at a bar one night and Eddie felt like he needed to unburden himself and these were his friends. They held him to a standard, but were also shoulders to lean on, when he fell short of it. They didn’t harshly judge him. Buck’s response was the reason he felt comfortable enough sharing to the others what happened. 

Buck had stayed with him those first few days after Christopher had left for Texas with his grandparents. He had stayed and made sure Eddie didn’t fall into the darkness that soothed him.

He reminded him that Christopher still needed his dad and to take this time as a healing process. He needed to know that he always had the opportunity to grow and change from this experience. No one should be susceptible to becoming stagnant or thinking all hope was lost. 

“Children are incredibly good at bouncing back, especially when they are given the time and breadth to do so. I know the situations are different, but Mara is already adapting well. She has love and support from her family. Christopher will come back to you because he knows you love him and support him,” Hen helpfully added. “Trust me. He’ll come back to you.”

“Remain hopeful Eddie. Has Christopher even given hints he’d want to transfer schools? Even if he wasn’t talking to you right now, he’d probably try to communicate in some manner that he needed more things brought to his grandparents,” Chimney suggested. 

“True. Christopher only packed a small backpack. Everything he needs is here. He’s just taking a little more time to come home,” Buck told Eddie. “He’ll be back with us sooner than we know. We’ll be hitting up those back-to-school sales in no time.”

“You guys are right,” Eddie agreed, for once feeling like the world wasn’t completely against him. “I just find it funny how my parents are so intent on being present, when they never did much for me.”

He shook out his hand to get rid of how his fingers were beginning to cramp from how tightly he had been holding his rag. 

“All of a sudden they’re excited to enroll Christopher in school, when they barely even came to any school events I participated in. Now they’re talking about clubs Christopher could be interested in.”

His parents had no moral ground to stand on, given the way they rarely attended any of his school events. Eventually, he lowered his expectations that his dad would ever show up. Sometimes he wondered if his dad planned his work travels on the days Eddie had something because he was always present for Sophia and Adriana’s things. He couldn’t make Eddie’s kindergarten graduation. But he had been at both Sophia and Adriana’s kindergarten graduations.

However, he always had someone to support him at his school events in order to not make his parents' abscene feel so heavy. 

His abuelo, abuela, Pepa, and Paco always made sure one if not all of them were supporting him. If they were unable to come, they made sure that someone in their extended family could make it. 

There were memories of Eddie’s childhood that became muted into faded grays and blues. It was normal that as you grew up the vibrancy of some memories faded, but there were some memories that never lost those vivid details. 

Eddie could recall every single second of his kindergarten graduation. That was the first time both of his parents couldn’t show up to a school event. Eddie thought about how he still felt the lingering disappointment that his five year old self experienced for the first time. 

Eddie’s school held a graduation for their kindergarten class. He had been talking about it the whole week, excitedly practicing for his speech. He practiced for it in between his penmanship worksheets and helping Pepa in her fabric store. 

The day of kindergarten graduation, he stood in line amongst his classmates. He was the shortest of the bunch and had to stand on his toes to see the crowd. Their small gymnasium was quickly filling up with his classmates' families. Eddie kept looking for his mom and dad in the crowd. 

He perused the crowd as the kindergarten class was led to their seats. He would peek back to see whether or not his parents had arrived. Slowly, their names were called one after the other. As he went on stage, he looked one more time for his parents. 

They weren’t there but Pepa and Paco stood up proudly, clapping for him as he received his certificate. They stood up and loudly cheered, when Eddie was awarded, “Happiest Kindergartner” award. 

By the time the kindergarten graduation was over, all of them were led back to their classrooms where a small party was happening. Eddie didn’t have to wait long, until his tía and tío arrived. They carried the small pink slip that signaled Eddie was leaving school early. He jumped up into his tío's arm, smiling brightly as his tío kissed his cheek. 

He tickled his stomach and smiled broadly. “Ahhh, my happiest Eddie. Let me see this award of yours.”

Eddie held out the glossy paper, his principal’s signature signed underneath his printed name. Eddie felt an unnamed emotion swirl in his heart. He would later define it as pride and joy. Pepa took out her camera and handed it to his teacher. 

“Mind if you take a picture of us?” she politely questioned. 

“Of course.”

She took a few snapshots with Eddie situated between his tía and tío. When she was done, she handed the camera back to Pepa. 

“I am going to miss having you in my class Eddie. You truly knew how to brighten the classroom. Please pass on my regards to Mr. and Mrs. Diaz.”

And off she went to talk to the other parents. Paco placed Eddie back on his feet. Eddie looked up, a question at the top of his tongue. Pepa saw where his thoughts were headed and answered him truthfully. 

“Sorry Eddie,” Pepa apologized, kissing his temple. “Your dad is still out of town for work and Adriana was a little fussy this morning. So your mom had to stay home with her. Might be a fever. But hey, I’m here.”

“And me,” Paco said. “How about we take you out for ice cream? I’ll even let you get two scoops this time.”

Eddie didn’t have enough time to be disappointed. His tía and tío were taking him out for ice cream. He felt special, receiving all their attention. For now they didn’t have any children, so they doted on Eddie like he was their own. Eddie soaked up all the warmth they shined upon him. They became his sun. 

He loved them so much, which is why he was disheartened when they made the move to Los Angeles. Then Eddie had to learn how to live without the sun for a while. 

Eddie stepped back, criticizing the spot he had just cleaned. “I’m just ignoring them and hoping they take the hint.”

Buck threw his arm over Eddie. “Well, my offer still stands. I’ve heard I can be very threatening.”

Hen threw her head back and laughed, bumping her shoulder into his. “Sure and who has told you that?”

“Besides Ravi, who could say you’re threatening?” Chimney prodded. 

Ravi had been quiet for the most part, intent on getting his chores done as quickly as he could. Hearing his name in the conversation, he set aside his own cleaning bucket and mop. 

“Buck was very threatening at first,” Ravi backed up Buck’s statement. 

“Thanks Probie. Now make sure those floors are sparkling clean,” Buck gently teased, while smiling widely at Ravi. 

“Did you not hear the word was …hear the tense change. You were threatening,” Chimney replied. 

Ravi rolled his eyes good naturedly, sliding his mopping bucket over to Buck. “Yeah, I know Buck’s a real softie at heart.”

“Probie. You’re killing me here,” Buck groaned, rolling the mop bucket back over to Ravi. 

Ravi picked up the mop again. “Sorry. I am still so very threatened by you. To be fair…you kind of stopped being threatening when I caught you baby talking to the puppy we saved from that sewer.”

“Probie, floors.”

“Yes, sir,” Ravi mockingly saluted, going back to cleaning the already pristine floors. 

“And we’re back to zero amount of people who find Buck threatening. But it’s cute that you think you can be,” Hen indulged. 

“Hey, I can be threatening.”

“Buck, no offense, but Jee is more threatening than you.”

Buck deflated. “That’s not fair. She uses her cuteness as a weapon.”

“Is that why Maddie and I came home to see you trying to fit your arm into Jee’s Princess Elsa costume?”

Ravi’s head perked up. “Now that is something I’d like to see.”

“That never happened,” Buck denied. 

“Really? Because I have a photo in my gallery that depicts differently.” 

Chimney started to unlock his phone, but the moment he opened up his photo gallery, the alarms began to blare. 

“Saved by the bell,” Buck grinned, racing to get into the truck. 

“I’ll send it in the group chat,” Chimney told them. 

“I heard that! Send it to them and I’m going to share that one video of you I have when you came back from day drinking with Maddie. Never knew good ‘ole Chimney couldn’t hang after a grapefruit mimosa,” Buck said. 

“Correction. I will not be sending it in the group chat,” Chimney redirected, closing his phone and getting into the truck. 

Buck leant out of the truck to wave his arms out like a magician about to put on a show. “See. I can be threatening.”

Laughing Eddie threw his rag into the bucket and went to get into the truck. He ignored his phone vibrating in his pocket with what he was sure was another text from his parents. He was at work. He’d text them later. 

Or not. 

More than likely he wouldn’t.  

July 4th came in a hurry. Surprisingly, they all found themselves free from work that day. Bobby and Athena’s house was still being rebuilt, so Hen and Karen offered to have a barbecue cookout at their place. They lived near a ballpark where fireworks would be going off later that night. So everyone agreed it was convenient to have a barbecue there then carpool to the ballpark. 

Ravi was the only one who left early, since he wanted to go to his friends’ pool party…which was fair. Ravi still had the joys of youth and wanted to spend time with old college friends, before everyone’s schedules got a little more tight. They were all glad that Ravi chose to spend a few hours with them, before he headed out. 

Night fell on them quickly and the amount of cars and people grew in numbers. It was good that they arrived relatively early, knowing how popular this firework show was. 

They still had an hour, until the show began. And they filled it with mindless chatter as the kids entertained themselves. 

“Goodness, I would love a vacation. An all expense paid vacation is definitely what the city should have given us in addition to those medals,” Hen said, leaning back in her lawn chair. 

“But not a cruise,” Athena warned, directly looking at Bobby. 

Bobby had enough sense to agree. “Trust me, I will never suggest going on a cruise again.”

“I’m waiting until Jee gets a little older to take a family trip,” Maddie stated, patting the back of Jee, who was sound asleep on her mom’s chest. “Think we might go somewhere kid friendly.”

“I’m so glad I asked for PTO the second to last week of July. We’re visiting Karen’s family in South Carolina. Hopefully, it’ll be a lot cooler there,” Hen said, handing out a juice box to Mara who had run over. 

“I’m jealous,” Buck sighed. “I should’ve waited to put PTO in, until the summer. But Tommy and I are planning a weekend getaway, whenever both of us are free.”

“That’s still happening?” Chimney snidely bit out. 

Buck snapped his head at him, lips pursed tightly. “Okay, seriously you two need to stop. I told you that one thing and now you two keep acting like he’s your sworn enemy.”

“I mean…” Maddie shrugged. “Fine, sure. I’ll stop. Chimney and I will both stop. Won’t we, Chimney?”

“I make no such promises. I’m taking my older brother's role very seriously,” Chimney stated. 

Buck rolled his eyes, looking slightly appeased but still a little upset. 

“Uh oh, trouble in paradise,” Karen hinted. “What’s wrong, Buck?”

“Nothing,” Buck pouted. “They’re just blowing things out of proportion.”

“No, we’re not,” Maddie harshly laughed. 

“Maddie,” Buck responded. “It was said in lighthearted fun.”

“You didn’t respond to it as lighthearted fun.”

“Can we just please end this awkward conversation,” Buck exclaimed. 

“Well, Buck is an adult. Though we will support you in whatever ways you need,” Bobby said, calmly bringing the volume back down. 

“Fine. Now back to vacations, before we got sidetracked. I want to go to Italy,” Buck wistfully noted. “That’s my dream vacation. I traveled so many places, but I didn’t even get to go to my main dream destination.”

“I forgot you were a world traveler. What’s the best spot you’ve been to?” Athena questioned. “Might have to add more places to mine and Bobby’s travel lists.”

Buck gave his rundown of places he had traveled. All of them listened attentively, but Eddie was still focused on what Tommy could have said to make both Maddie and Chimney upset. He didn’t know much of their feelings about him, but he was a little happy about this recent development. Now he didn’t feel so alone in his steadily growing dislike of Tommy. 

Chimney was a gossip and could never hold secrets for long. It wouldn’t take much to get him to spill. 

But Eddie would rather hear about it from Buck. He also questioned why Buck hadn’t come to him about this as well. Though he supposed there were some things you confided about with your family rather than your best friend. He didn’t really confide in Adriana and Sophia. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust them. He wholeheartedly did. But he didn’t want them ever thinking he couldn’t handle things. 

He didn’t become attuned to the conversation, until he heard his name repeated. 

“Sorry, I started daydreaming. What’s the question?”

“When’s the last time you went on vacation? And don’t you dare say Austin, when we went to help the 126. We went to 6th street briefly, that doesn’t count as a vacation.”

Eddie smiled crookedly. “It was only brief because someone got drunk and we had to head back to the hotel earlier than we planned.”

“Ahh, so that’s why you were so grumpy that morning. This is sad Cap. Guess, you, me, and Chimney were too old to hang out with the kids on 6th street.” Hen wiped a fake tear from underneath her eye. 

“Hey, we did ask! You both said you all wanted to get some sleep before we drove back to LA,” Buck pointed accusingly. “I remember you telling us, kids, have fun.”

Hen shrugged. 

“But back to the question. Before we get sidetracked…again. Last vacation or favorite vacation?”

“Mhm, the last time I took a vacation was…phew it was so long ago. I was supposed to go on a vacation to Sweden the summer heading into my junior year. But that never happened.”

“Why? Did your family go somewhere else? I know you Texas kids love traveling inside Texas. I had a roommate who was from Dallas and her family would only ever vacation in the major cities of Texas,” Karen inquired.

“Ah, no. My family did wind up vacationing in Sweden that summer. I just didn’t.”

“Oh, why not?”

“You probably had summer practice for baseball, right?”

Eddie wished he had half the mind to lie, but the truth caught up to him faster. “No, I didn’t have enough allowance to go.”

“I’m sorry, what? How does allowance determine if you can go on vacation?” Karen curiously questioned. 

“My parents had a strict allowance system that they used for vacations. 45% of our allowance was set aside for vacation funds. If we could contribute $200 or more in allowance, you could go. However, you also got deductions from the amount every time  you got in trouble. I could never get out of the negatives that year.”

“Eddie the more I hear about your childhood, the sadder I get,” Chimney said. “I mean my dad was absent and there’s certainly no love lost there. I can understand a little bit. But…that’s really bad.”

“It’s not all that bad. I had a really great time, when they were gone.”

Chimney winced. “That just made it sadder.”

Eddie waved his hands in front of him. “No, I’m serious. I think that was the best time ever. Think of a teenager having the entire house to himself. That’s what dreams are made of.”

It was true. Those two weeks of freedom were probably the best for multiple reasons. And if he actively disobeyed and made sure he didn’t have vacation allowance for their trip to Disney World, well that was a secret he kept to himself. 

Thankfully, the fireworks started up and diverted their attention away from him. Sometimes he felt one of them glance in his direction. When it came time to pack up the lawn chairs and get sleeping kids into cars, Eddie nearly sprinted to his truck. He didn’t want to stay behind and explain more of his allowance vacation. 

He felt a little ashamed at how he ignored Buck calling out for him. His legs moved faster and he hopped in his truck. He knew he’d receive a text message or a phone call later, but by then Eddie would have been able to pull the frayed edges of himself together. He’d be able to pretend easier with a little more time. 

On his drive back home, he thought of one incident that greatly impacted his allowance going into the trip to Disney World that his family had been planning to take the summer heading into his senior year. He had put nearly $145 into his account, before that situation quickly shot him into an outstanding debt of -$10. He could never quite recover, after that. 

The second semester of his junior year was heading off to an alright start. Eddie still hadn't adjusted to Samuel's absence.

Letters were not enough. He wanted him there, standing alongside him. He wanted more of the quiet nights against Samuel’s parked blue Chevrolet. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but he cried a lot into his pillow the first few days after Samuel said he was enlisting. 

It wasn’t fair that Samuel had to leave, after having what Eddie thought was the best summer of his life. He supposed he should be thankful that Samuel hadn’t enlisted immediately. He was still able to finish out his junior year and graduate early as was planned. 

Eddie thought he would leave soon after. However, Samuel had gotten his dad to agree to him having one last free summer. And that summer was the best. He was able to forget the looming countdown date. 

Unfortunately, all good things had to come to an end. Eddie didn’t think he would deal with his absence, but he was adjusting. 

The main thing that made him feel slightly better was the green journal and letter he left behind. Samuel’s sister had come by one day to hand him the gift. She hadn’t said a word, but quickly thrust it into his hands before running back home as if she was scared to get caught at the Diaz household. Maybe she had a reason for that fear. 

Eddie didn’t know what was in the letter, but he knew it could have only come from Samuel. He was glad his dad was away on a work trip and his mom was having a girls’ day out. He went into his room, closing it shut behind him and opened the letter. 

He saw it was addressed from Samuel and wondered how long he had waited to send it. He didn’t think he’d be hearing from Samuel that soon. He carefully opened the letter and curled up further into the corner behind his bed. 

The letter went as followed:

Dear Eddie, 

I hope this letter finds you well. I am doing fine, all things considered. It hasn’t been too hard adjusting. I mean I am on a strict schedule and you know how much I hate early mornings. But I’m getting used to it. 

The food is awful. I didn’t expect otherwise. I do miss your abuela’s cooking. I wish she could ship some here or at least send some recipes that I can pass along to the cooks. 

There’s not much to update you on. Everyone is kind of glad on that part. It’s not like many of us are itching for a fight. Some of us just had nothing else to do. Circumstances put us here. There’s some whose fingers itch for the thrum of a weapon and cries of war. I stay far away from them. 

I know you probably don’t want to hear all about that. Okay, what else was I going to write? I had a list, but I forgot. 

Oh, wait I remember!

Everyone says it’s better if you have a sweetheart to write to. I think it’s cheesy, but they said it helps time go by faster and it’s good to hear from someone who loves you, beside your parents and siblings.

I don’t know if you love me Eddie, but I think it would feel awfully nice to be loved by you. 

Sometimes I think about you and the fun time we had, while your family was out of town. Is it awful that I don’t feel bad that you weren’t able to go to Sweden? Is it incredibly selfish of me to be happy that I was able to keep you to myself a little longer? 

Do you ever wish we could rewind time and go back to last summer? 

I do. 

And I guess that’s why I thought of you, when they were mentioning talks about writing back home. You’re the closest thing I’ve got to a…sweetheart. Yeah, that still feels like I’m an actor in those old black and white films my grandma likes to watch. 

Sorry. I’m getting distracted. 

I guess what I’m asking is…can you be the sweetheart I write home to? 

If not, please feel free to ignore this in its entirety. 

I’ll end this now. I hope you’re enjoying your junior year. Mom tells me your family is heading to Disney World this summer. Don’t tell them I told you. I think it’s supposed to be a surprise vacation, but I know you’re not that much a fan of family vacations. 

But this time try to go. I don’t want you alone in the house, spending summer break by yourself. I don’t know if I’ll be able to go on leave…I’m not too sure how any of this works. I think I have to request it first and then get it approved. I don’t know. 

I was just thrown to the wolves honestly. Go on the trip and send me some pictures. I can live vicariously through you. 

Alright, I think I’m dragging things on now. Write me back, please. Let me know if the whole sweetheart letter thing is okay with you, cowboy. 

Sincerely, 

Samuel 

P.S. I bought you a journal before you left. Figured you could use that paper to write me back, or journal. Do whatever you like with it. Alright, I’m done now. Promise. 

That was only two months ago. Now there he was standing awkwardly before his dad. His dad had entered the room, unannounced like it was his given right. Immediately, his eyes latched onto the green journal with stickers on its cover. 

The stickers were placed there sporadically. Eddie should have chosen some of them more wisely. His attention kept drawing to the many overlapping stickers, trying to calm his nerves. He tried to desperately quell the ache in his body as he wondered which journal entry his dad read. How did his dad even find it? 

Then his eyes met his cousin’s - the same cousin who he relinquished his room to for the week, as he and his family waited for the repairs to their house to be complete. How could he have known his cousin would snoop through his things and find the one thing he had hidden? 

For what it was worth, Alex did look ashamed. He probably felt guilty that his misdirected anger led him to reveal Eddie’s journal. 

He wondered if Alex had read it. He wondered if it was better if he hadn’t. Because if he read it and still chose to hand it off to his dad…then he would have to wonder how much Alex hated him. 

“Alejandro said he found this in your room. Said there was some concerning stuff in there,” his dad accused. “I was inclined to agree. Is this how you feel?”

This doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what I feel, is what he wanted to stay. But he knew his dad never wanted him to speak back. 

His dad sat down and motioned Alex to sit. “Come on, read it. Read what’s in it.”

“Dad, I don’t-”

“Here, I’ll even choose the entry for you. Ahh, this one is my favorite,” he sneered, pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. He held the journal against Eddie’s chest. “Read. You’re bold enough to write these things. You should be bold enough to read them in front of an audience.”

“Tío…” Alex began, but was interrupted. 

“Read,” his dad further stressed. 

He looked down at the entry. This was embarrassing. Eddie was a junior in high school and his dad was treating him like he was a child. He tightened his grip on the journal’s spine. 

“Dear diary-”

“Diary,” his dad scoffed, laughing darkly. “Are you a little girl, Edmundo? Tell me Alejandro. Are there three men here or two?”

Alex looked uncomfortable. “Tío …”

“Keep reading.”

Eddie gulped and began reading the entry without interruption, which sounded like this:

Dear Diary, 

I hate it here. I hate this house. I hate my mom. I hate my dad. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t even born. My mom tells me the story about the day I was born and sometimes I wish that miracle hadn't happened. I wish my dad never came into the room and spoke life into me. 

They made him into a hero. 

He is not. 

He’s gone all the time. I wish he would stay away longer. Then I wish he wouldn’t leave at all. It’s such a jarring sense of emotions. 

I don’t think my mom cares about his absence. She’s too busy day drinking with friends, who call her names behind her back. I’d feel sorry for her, if I thought she didn’t know. But she does know. She’s just so greedy for the affection my dad doesn’t give her that she’s turned to the friendship of conniving people. 

I wished I lived with abuela and abuelo instead. Or maybe I could live with Pepa and Paco. I think I’d like it in California. I liked it when we visited them. 

I hate Texas. But I’m starting to wonder if it’s more the state I hate or the people here that I hate more. 

My dad tells me to be the man of the house, knowing full well he’ll never be one. How can he be the man of a house he’s never at? Even abuelo said that dad isn’t that great of a man. I wonder how long they like pretending they're the perfect father-son duo as they smoke cigars and drink beer. 

I hate it here. 

I hate it here.

I hate it here. 

I wish I was able to successfully run away, when I tried at eleven years old. I should’ve never come back. 

My hand is cramping now. This is a good place to end this entry. Write again soon. 

Sincerely, 

Eddie

His voice grew hoarser the more he spoke. He remembered exactly when he wrote that entry. It had been the day after his dad told him to walk home. He had to walk twelve miles home, in the rain because he had been caught skipping baseball practice to head to the theater community center. 

The only reason he was going was because Adriana wanted more info about their summer program. His dad didn’t want to hear his reasoning. No, he took one look at Eddie exiting the theater and told him to get in the car. 

Eddie must have spoken back or something because next thing he knew his dad was pulling over and telling him to get out the car. 

Eddie caught pneumonia the next day. When his abuela asked how he got sick, as she crushed his antibiotics into his applesauce, Eddie lied for his dad. He said he was getting some extra practice on the baseball field and stayed out in the rain for too long. 

He didn’t want to tell her the truth. 

What if he told her what her son did and she agreed? Eddie wouldn’t be able to handle his abuela taking his dad’s side. His mom always took his dad’s side. He wanted to pretend that his abuela would take his. 

So he got really good at lying to her. 

Eddie looked up from where his eyes had lowered past the journal and to his dad’s leather loafers. 

“Come here,” his dad demanded. 

Eddie was a good son. 

He listened to and obeyed his dad’s commands. 

This time his dad didn’t whoop him or leave him stranded on the side of the road. He didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, instead, he dragged him in front of his family. He told everyone to leave what they were doing. 

It didn’t matter that the guest of honor had to stop opening her baby presents. His dad didn’t care that everyone’s moods were uplifted from celebrating his cousin’s pregnant wife. Embarrassing his son in front of his own family was too good of a punishment to pass up. 

“Come on out to the living room everyone. Edmundo has something he wants to share with us all. Helena, you said Edmundo got an award for his writing, right? Let’s all hear what the famous writer of our generation was writing. Come on Edmundo.”

“Dad,” Eddie whined, low in his throat. 

“You were bold enough to write this in my house. Then you are bold enough to perform your speech in front of everyone. Now do as I say, boy,” his dad pressured, pushing him to stand in front of all his family who were gathering around. 

His abuela frowned, eyes glancing at her son then at Eddie. 

“¿Ramón, qué pasa?”

“Go ahead, Edmundo. Let’s hear what you wrote,” his dad spoke ignoring his own mom’s inquisitive stare. 

Shakily he cleared his throat and began speaking. He stuttered over a few words, voice low and hesitant. 

“Louder, they can’t hear you. Don’t be shy now,” his dad yelled. 

“Ramón,” his mom began, unclear of what was happening. “Maybe Edmundo’s not feeling well. He might not want to read right now. Let it go. Come on everyone, back to-”

“Helena, it’d be wise if you don’t speak right now,” his dad said, promptly shutting his mom up.

His mom’s jaw tightened, but she didn’t try to defend him. She gave up quickly. Eddie knew never to expect much from her. 

“Come on, let everyone know what you think of the man who put a roof over your head. Let them know what you think of the woman who makes sure there’s a hot plate of food waiting for you at the table. Tell them what you think of the parents who gave you life.”

His dad ripped the journal out of his hand, “Fine if you don’t want to. I will.”

His dad proceeded to read that diary entry, lifting his voice several octaves making a mockery of his writing. Eddie kept his head low. He didn’t want to see the varying expressions. He knew they were scrutinizing him. He knew they would think of him as an ungrateful son. 

He wouldn’t allow them to see him cry though. He couldn’t be both ungrateful and weak. 

Once his dad was done reading, he threw the journal down and stepped on it, on his way to the kitchen. Eddie loathed that a little bit of himself was thankful his dad hadn’t thrown it away in the trash. 

He waited a few seconds, wondering if his dad would grab the wooden spoon and tell him to go to his room. 

He stayed rooted in his spot completely frozen, while everyone went back to what they were doing. No one comforted him. Who were they to say what his dad was doing was wrong? This was his household. 

And Eddie had disrespected him. 

The only one he saw making their way to comfort him was his abuela. He looked up briefly to see tears glisten in her eyes. Her hand was clutched tightly in her skirt, the hem swaying as she moved toward him. 

She reached out, fingers barely catching onto his sleeve. He ripped his hand away from her and ran to pick up the journal from where his dad had carelessly thrown it. 

He tasted acid as he bent down to pick up his journal. It now had the dirty footprint of his dad on the back. He was happy he hadn’t damaged his stickers at least. He ran to his room, hot tears falling down his face.

He shut the door, ignoring Alex knocking on it. He was glad his cousin at least did him one favor of not coming in his room, even when their doors didn’t have locks. Finally, Alex gave up. The knocking stopped and he could hear quiet footsteps head back into the hallway. 

He didn’t want to hear his cousin’s apologies. He had said Alex couldn’t make the basketball team. It was true. That didn’t mean he had to look through his things and give his dad his secret journal. 

He placed the journal back in  a new spot, the spot where he kept pages that were torn from his sticker covered green journal…pages that talked about the taste of cherry red and blueberry slushies, of flowers exchanged at night, and rough calluses interlacing with his own. 

If only his father knew what was in those letters.

He placed everything underneath his mattress. Reverently he traced the words, once more. Suddenly his dad’s wrath and his mom’s disappointment didn't stifle him. 

He had Samuel and he had their letters. That’s all he needed. 

In his letters, he could confess how much harder things had gotten at home. Without Samuel, he didn’t have someone he could go to whenever things began to feel like too much. He couldn’t sneak into his backyard or go for a late night drive with Samuel. 

All he had now were those letters and the memories of a summer that ended far too soon. 

That had to be enough. 

Over the months leading up to his senior year, there were many more letters written back and forth between him and Samuel. He obsessively read over the ones that had been sent, until the edges were creased and nearly falling apart. 

He read them over and over again, until Shannon showed up with a pregnancy test. 

Eventually, he was writing his own letters back home. But he was writing back home to Shannon. He wondered if she kept his letters like he had kept Samuel’s. He wondered why he made the comparison. 

The first time he came home from leave, he didn’t sit down for a hearty home cooked meal. Instead, he found himself making his way to his room. 

He wanted to see the letters one last time before he headed off to his new assignment. He was at his parents house, trying to get things ready for the baby. His head turned, when he saw a new letter, sitting on his desk shelf. He wondered who had placed it there. 

He didn’t have time to worry about who had found the letter. It hadn’t been opened. He was relieved they allowed him this sense of privacy. He sat on his bed and opened the letter. Immediately, he felt tears claim the space in his eyes. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth and his hands shook as he read the letter. 

He let out a few calming, breaths as the words said: 

Cowboy, 

It’s been a while, since I’ve written to you. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to open a letter like this to you. I know we said we wouldn’t write to each other anymore, especially in the manner we used to. 

I told myself it’d be better this way. I don’t know if I’m still angry that you agreed, even after I pushed you to. 

You’re probably wondering why I still addressed this to you as cowboy…my cowboy. Dear Eddie just doesn’t hold as much affection as “cowboy” does. Forgive me for that…I still can’t quite manage to part from it. 

But I do not want to put up walls with my emotions any longer. Suppose I am jealous now that another has your attention and I do not. 

I thought it wouldn’t be fair to keep hanging onto you. But you’re my only source of hope out here. It’s been hard adjusting to this life. I’m endlessly bored. Yet I’m not bored enough to want to hope I see the frontlines. One of the guys I met during training said he’s off to be a forward scavenger. I think he’s out of his mind. 

I exercise a lot now, in my free time. I have a lot of it. I’m just glad my body is in good condition. I guess all those football workouts paid off. 

I don’t know if you remember, but by all things good I hope you do. Do you remember the day we went on the campus tour to UT? I joked about how much of a comfort it would be to come back to my dorm and see you sitting there on my bed. 

Can you imagine that Eddie, if we were each other’s home we could come to? 

But we don’t have a home. Do we? 

I hate you followed me out here Eddie. I don’t want this war to claim you too. When I came back that spring, I hated that look I placed on your face. I hated how I introduced you as someone I barely knew. I don’t know if I have the right to call you mine anymore. 

But damn I wish you still think of me as yours. 

I know Shannon is probably wonderful. Esmeralda is wonderful too. They always are. 

But they’re not you. 

And she’s not me. 

Is she? 

Do you think I’m being mean? I pushed you toward her and yet I'm angry you walked away. So perhaps I am being mean. Please, allow me this little bit of jealousy. It hurts. It hurts all the damn time. It festers in my chest like a volcano and I’m one second away from erupting. 

But I was okay, knowing you were untouched by the evil of this world. Eddie there’s so much of it out here. Why’d you have to enlist? 

This war isn’t yours to fight, cowboy. 

Everyday I want to come back to you. I nearly did. I wanted to drive my Chevrolet to your house and take you for a ride. Wanted go to 7-Eleven and buy you the blueberry slushie and I’d get the cherry slushie. Then we’d get to the point where our lips and tongues grew purple. 

I wish I had more time with you. One summer wasn’t enough. I want every summer. I want every spring, winter, and fall too. 

And I know it’s crazy of me to say that considering everything. I know you still don’t like thinking about it. It hurts me as much as it hurts you, the way we parted. I’ll apologize this lifetime and all the lifetimes after, if you’ll let me. 

Sophia told me you pressed the flowers I gave you in a picture frame. Don’t get mad at her for sharing this. She mentioned this to my sister, when she was over our house getting her dress tailored. 

I wish I could rewind that night, give you more of myself than I had. No…let me make the distinction. I wish I gave you more of the good parts of myself. 

I gave you so much of my fears and you wrapped me up in your safety net all the while pushing yourself out of it, so I could have more room. I put so much on you and never gave that comfort back. I gave you fear cowboy. I’m sorry. 

I think I gave you all of my bad fears and thoughts. 

But this might be the worst one. Don’t be a hero, Diaz. Be smart. Return home safely. I’d like to imagine a future where maybe…should things ever tip in my favor I can open the door and have you waiting for me. 

Sincerely, 

Samuel

The letter was crumpled up in his hands and sobs wrecked his chest. He couldn’t believe Samuel had the audacity to write him like this. After months of never hearing from him, this is what he sent. He hated him for this. He hated how he drew him back in and set him up to get hurt again. 

That was when Eddie knew he needed a clean break. He had Shannon and their new baby to think about now. He couldn’t waste time or energy on what ifs. Besides, his dad had just started to look at him with pride glittering in his eyes. 

He told him he was now ready to be a man. All his youth spent building him up to be a provider, and now he was being a soldier for his country and a provider for his own family of three now. Eddie disliked how happy having his father’s pride felt. 

Eddie extended one last courtesy to Samuel. 

He responded to his letter one more time, saying that he had welcomed the birth of his son. He told him he was in a wonderful marriage with Shannon and hoped his relationship with Esmeralda thrived. 

He said it’d be best if the two never wrote to one another again. It was too hard to stay in this state of limbo. They owed it not only to themselves, but also to the women who loved them. Though Eddie wasn’t sure Shannon loved him. He thought it was better that she didn’t. He loved her in his own way, enough to marry her and make sure she never had to be alone.

He thought maybe they could write to each other again, when they could learn to be friends and only friends. Because despite never really understanding whatever the two meant to each other, Eddie knew that this was not what friendship encompassed. 

He ended the letter and ignored the twinge of longing. 

Eddie wrapped up his letter, hoping he finished his service safely and in good health.  

Eddie never heard from him after that, until the same war that separated them brought them together once again. 

He didn’t know why he was thinking of Samuel again. That friendship had long since been buried. Maybe it was because during that week’s session with Frank, he started delving into a few parts of his childhood. Frank had asked him how he was adjusting to Christopher choosing to spend some time with his grandparents. He asked if he had any concerns. 

Frank had already known about Eddie’s tense relationship with his parents. But Eddie didn’t want to bring that up, when the focus was on Christopher. He had merely confided that he was worried Christopher would miss hanging out with his friends. Summer break offered the best time to spend days with your friends without the pressure of having to get ready for school the next day. 

He had then told him he was worried Christopher wouldn’t make a lot of friends down there. 

Frank questioned whether he didn’t think Christopher could make new friends in El Paso. Eddie hadn’t liked the idea. He knew how social his kid was and it scared him that Christopher would make lots of friends down there, giving him more of an incentive to stay in El Paso. 

Frank then asked whether Eddie had any friends that made him want to stay in El Paso, considering he was born and raised there. Eddie hadn’t talked much about having friends in El Paso because that was a can of worms he kept shut. 

However, Frank knew when to push and when to draw back. That’s what their department was paying him the big bucks for. At least Eddie hoped they were paying him a lot of money because he deserved it. 

He told Frank a little about his only friend back home. He hadn’t even mentioned his name, which Frank so helpfully pointed out. Frank didn’t need to know the nitty gritty of his friendship and the subsequent fallout. 

Then Frank started inquiring whether he saw his friendships that he made here in California far differently than the friendships back home. He stumbled over explaining how different and similar they were. 

Frank pointed out that he was only drawing similarities between Samuel and Buck. Eddie didn’t understand the confusion or why Frank had intently stared at him as he began talking about the two. Only when he was done talking, did Frank raise his eyebrow at him and asked about his friendships with Hen and Chimney. 

The session had ended on that note and it left Eddie spiraling ever since. He wondered if he could fake food poisoning to get out of going to next week’s session. 

He hated how that simple session was bringing up so many things Eddie had left behind in El Paso. 

He shouldn’t be carrying the ghost of a friendship long past its expiration date. 

He needed to bury everything related to Samuel. If only he could gather the courage to let go of that green journal and letters, no longer hidden in a bedroom in El Paso, but now hidden in an old jewelry box his abuela had given him. 

It didn’t matter. Eddie could move on. He wouldn’t bring up Samuel anymore in his sessions with Frank, no matter how Frank would try to dig into Eddie’s past. Eddie didn’t need to unpack that. 

Friends grew apart all the time. He didn’t feel like he was missing out on some idea of closure. Eddie was more than fine, knowing he would never see Samuel again. 

In fact, he’d prefer to never see him again.

Eddie needed to learn that the world never much cared for what he preferred. 

Chapter Text

At the edge of the world

We strain our ears to hear the galaxy

A gentle breeze, your ankle

Outlines the bellflowers

The palm of my hand, curled in the soil

When it envelopes yours

It’s bittersweet

Asleep among endives

Now, the world too

Closes its eyes

Concealing us

Asleep Among the Endives, Ichika Aoba

His mom and Mrs. Williamson had dropped them off at the movie theater, while they went to shop at the mall. Their moms gave them enough money to splurge on a large popcorn and two medium fountain drinks. Samuel had gotten Coca-Cola and Eddie had opted for Sprite. Both boys were happy with the day’s plans, especially Eddie. He had been waiting for a chance to see the new superhero movie in the theaters. And he was glad he got to watch it with Samuel. 

Once the film was over, Mrs. Williamson and Eddie’s mom picked them up from the movie theater. During the drive home, they talked about what superpowers they wanted to have. Even their moms got engaged in the conversation. That moment was the happiest he had been in a while. He didn’t usually hang out with his mom by himself, but he hoped there would be more days where he and his mom could spend the day together. 

They made it home safely and began to bid their goodbyes to the Williamson family, but Eddie’s mom lingered at Mrs. Williamson’s driveway. His mom handed him some of her bags. She told him to go ahead and carry them inside to the house, while she talked to Mrs. Williamson for a bit. Likewise Mrs. Williamson instructed Samuel to carry her own bags into the house. Both boys heeded to their mother’s instructions. 

Eddie said goodbye to Samuel and started his short walk across the Williamson driveway toward his house. Eddie swung the shopping bags in his arms, giddily content with the day. 

He walked toward his house, feet stopping short of the driveway where the garage was pulled up. Eddie saw his dad’s car parked in the garage and his heart stopped beating.

His dad was supposed to still be at work in Euless. Why did he come home early? He went inside through the garage door, to see his dad sitting on his recliner.  

When his dad looked up at him, he grabbed the remote and lowered the volume of the TV. Eddie turned slightly behind him to see what he was watching. It was some football game that was airing. Eddie couldn’t tell who was playing though. He was never interested in football, but Samuel kept talking about all the players he liked. Sometimes Eddie felt bad he couldn’t talk to him about football. Maybe he’d ask his dad to teach him. He was about to ask him who was playing, until his dad stood up from his spot on the recliner. 

“Where’s your mom?”

“Outside. She’s still talking to Mrs. Williamson.”

His dad nodded. He pulled out a cigarette and proceeded to light it. His mom hated whenever he would smoke in the house. His dad always said he would quit, but the ashtray next to that leather recliner was never thrown away. As long as it was there, his dad never had the actual intent of stopping. 

His mom walked inside, traces of laughter falling away as her gaze locked on her husband’s impenetrable stare. Eddie looked between the two of them. Both of his parents could be very stubborn at times. It served to create a very tense environment. 

He should have known his day started off too good to end well. 

Now he was sitting at the kitchen table, head lowered, as his parents argued. 

“Ramón, it’s not that serious.”

“Yes, it is. You just undermined my decision. I told you that Eddie was not supposed to see the outside of his room for the next two days. I came back from work to see you've overridden my decision that we mutually agreed on.”

“Ramón, lower your voice.”

His dad lowered his tone, but it still felt like his voice was a thunderous echo. “Helena. We can’t let Eddie think that he can get out of trouble.”

"He’s not. My goodness Ramón, it was one simple outing. Mrs. Williamson wanted to hangout at the mall and thought her son would be bored. I suggested we take them to the movie theater. You are blowing this way out of proportion!”

His mom’s voice grew louder, despite her own pleas for his dad to be quieter. Eddie remained silent. He didn’t want to get in between his parents' fight, considering it was about him. He told his mom that his dad would be upset about him going to the movies, but she said she would stand up for him, if his dad had any issues. 

It was the first time she was making any effort to stand up for him. But he should’ve known it was all talk. She didn’t expect her husband to come back from his work trip today, when she agreed to let him go to the movies. Eddie could already sense a change in the atmosphere. 

His mom was going to cave. 

She always did. 

His mom sighed and leaned against the stove. Her hair cascaded down her shoulder, hiding half of her face from her husband and son. She turned back to the two of them, expression halfway apologetic, but to whom Eddie didn’t know. 

All Eddie knew was that by nighttime, Eddie was sent back to his room. Except that time, his dad had come in there and cleaned out all the gaming consoles he had. He confiscated all the toys he had gotten over Christmas. He pulled the curtains over Eddie’s blinds, even though the room was already dark. 

He didn’t even know why he was being punished. Thank goodness his dad always reminded him. 

“Until you learn your lesson, you are going to stay in your room. It will be school then home, school then home, and repeat. Don’t miss the bus because neither your mom nor myself will take you to school in the morning. And we won’t be dropping off anything you forgot to put into your backpack. Both of us have work. We can’t drop everything and come up to your school as you deem fit.”

Ah, and that’s why he was being punished. He had gotten into a lot of trouble lately. There were too many instances to remember that he had forgotten the reason for this punishment. 

Yesterday Adrianna was having trouble doing her hair. They were having picture day and Adriana wanted her second grade yearbook pictures to be perfect. 

His mom had quickly done Adriana’s hair, before she had to rush out the house in order to make it to her meeting on time. Yet Adriana didn’t like the way her hair was done. She didn’t want two high ponytails with bows the size of her face. 

Sophia tried to help, but Adriana had a very tender head and Sophia tended to be a bit…rough. 

Eddie had to step in, before the two started fighting. 

Eddie didn’t know how to braid, but he made the attempt. Eventually, Adriana was satisfied with her hair. He finished doing her hair and helped her decide what to wear because the outfit his mom picked out for her last night was too “childish” and not “pretty” enough. 

He tried saying it was fine, but then Sophia popped her head into the room and wrinkled her nose. She said Adriana looked like a cabbage patch doll. And well…Eddie couldn’t lie. Adrianna still had plump round cheeks and his mom had mistakenly chosen a dress with frill at the bottom, puffy sleeves, and lace at the collar. 

He tried saying it was fine, but Eddie found it difficult to have a mature discussion with a seven year old. 

Eddie knew they were running out of time, but it took awhile for Sophia to lend Adriana one of her dresses. Eddie wished he came to that decision quicker be cause not only had he missed his bus, but he had also indirectly caused Sophia and Adriana to miss their bus. And that was worse. It was really bad because Adriana had nearly been late to picture day, when their mom had driven all the way back from work to drop them off at school. 

“You’ll take this time to learn from your mistake, mijo,” his dad proclaimed. 

“Okay.”

“Okay?” his dad sharply repeated. 

“Yes, sir,” Eddie mumbled. 

“Speak up when I am talking to you.”

“Yes, sir.”

His dad heaved a heavy inhale through his nose. “Good. Make sure your clothes are ironed and you have everything you need for school tomorrow in your backpack.”

Eddie heard the door close behind him. His heart thundered in his chest. He packed his backpack and set his alarm an hour early. He wrote down a checklist for everything he needed for the next day. He went to sleep and promised he would be better. 

He had to be better, so he could stop disappointing his parents. And like his dad always reminded him, “You’re the oldest, Edmundo. You have a responsibility to be a good example for your sisters. You don’t want them misbehaving do you?”

“No, sir,” he had said, vigorously shaking his head. 

“Good. They pick up on the bad things you do, so make sure your sisters have a good example to be inspired by.”

He closed his eyes and tried forcing himself to sleep. In his dreams, he was the perfect role model. He was the best big brother for his sisters. He was responsible enough to be a good example. 

He was good. 

He was good. 

He was good. 

In due time, his dad would believe that too. 

Buck’s birthday was on July 9th. Buck always joked how it was hard having a birthday, directly after a holiday. Usually, they were working shifts on his birthday. A lot of kids kept leftover firecrackers and it resulted in a lot of emergencies they had to respond to within that first week, after the July 4th celebrations. 

But both of them conveniently had today off. Eddie was pretty sure Bobby scheduled it to where Buck didn’t have to come in on his birthday. He tried to schedule it that way for most of them, but most of the time they couldn’t get the day off. It was a rare surprise that Buck was off and even rarer that Eddie was off as well. 

Eddie chose not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Finding out that the two of them had the day off, Eddie began arranging plans for Buck’s birthday. He also checked in with Maddie to make sure the first half of his day was free. He didn’t want to infringe on any of her plans. He almost sent a text off to Tommy, but thought better of it. If he had scheduled some plans for Buck, Buck would just decline Eddie’s invitation. And Eddie would be fine with that. 

He would.

He had just celebrated the past five birthdays with Buck. He would be alright not spending the entire day with him. 

He would. 

But thankfully he didn’t have to. 

Eddie had sent him a text asking Buck if he would be free. After Buck said his schedule was open, Eddie immediately sprung into action. He began looking at places where Buck had mentioned he wanted to go. He looked at different places' opening and closing times. 

Then he sent a text to Buck making sure the plans were alright, but included that he was also amenable to change and open to do whatever Buck wanted to do. He even said he would be the chauffeur for today. Buck had sent a gif with a person’s mouth opening in surprise.

Eddie drove to Buck’s loft in the early morning. The sky was still a dark midnight blue by the time he arrived to his place. Buck was still shaking off sleep as he got into the passenger side of the car. Eddie told him he could take a nap and that he shouldn’t feel the need to stay awake just because Eddie was driving. 

Buck fell asleep, resting peacefully all the way up until they made it to the farmer’s market. Once there, they got out and started to look around at the different vendors and merchants that were beginning to put their stuff on display. Buck said he wanted to grab some stuff at the farmers market, but had been unable to come early in the morning when a lot of stuff was still stocked up. 

So that was how they were welcoming the first hours of Buck’s birthday. 

It was a relatively quiet morning. Dawn had left a softened haze over the world as the sun began to slowly creep its way over the city. Most people were still sleeping or beginning to shake off the lingering whispers of sleep. Only a few people milled around in the market, seemingly getting the same idea. There was a distinctive peace in the somber stillness of a farmer’s market in the early hours of the day. 

The coolness of the wind swept through his hair. He trailed his fingers over a group of apples, weighing them in his hand. Likewise, Buck analyzed each apple’s appearance for either deformity or softness. 

Eddie took a moment of reprieve to stare at his friend. He noted the casual look of indifference, offset by the pure attentiveness in the lines of his mouth and how his eyebrows drew into the center of his eyes. His eyes, the deep set of blue that darkened with interest, lightened up as he gathered a few apples that met his standard. 

He turned those same blue eyes to Eddie. The darkness slowly crept out, leaving behind a stunning shade of blue that shone like iridescent glass. 

“This is enough for the apple crumble you’re making, right?” Buck questioned, drawing his bottom lip in concentration. “These seem pretty good, but you’re the one making the crumble.”

Eddie went beside Buck, who was only a few feet away from him. He looked into the bag of apples Buck had chosen. Then looking up, he told him, “If they pass your standard, they’re good.”

Buck’s facial expression brightened, opening himself up to catch every ray the sun had only just begun to impart upon the world. Eddie hoped the sun would show incredible favor to Buck. He didn’t care if he and others in this market didn’t feel the warmth of the sun for a while. It was going to a person more deserving than all of them anyways. 

“Yeah, they’re good,” Buck agreed.

“Good,” Eddie reached into his wallet to pay for the amount of apples they were buying.  

Buck put the bag of apples into one of the tote bags that was quickly filling up the further they went through the farmer's market. 

They both thanked the gentleman and his granddaughter who looked like she wanted to be anywhere but helping at the apple stand. Walking away, Eddie and Buck perused all the different vendors. Buck searched through his tote bag, rummaging around to see all the things they bought. 

“Get everything you need cowboy?” Eddie said, momentarily distracted by the art stand. He could reason that was the only explanation as to why the word slipped out of his mouth. The artist had a lot of work, showcasing the great American west with horses and cattle. 

It was just a response. It was a weird response, but it was a response nonetheless. Buck would just ignore it. 

“Cowboy?” Buck laughed. “Where’d that come from? Is that because of that honky tonk show you’re watching.”

“Excuse you, it’s Yellowstone. And I don’t watch that show,” Eddie insisted, focusing on the other stands. 

“And yet you know what show I was talking about,” Buck teased. 

Eddie ignored him and moved to where a lady was selling peaches and plums. He picked up a few, testing them for how soft or hard they were. There were a few that dimpled, underneath his touch and Eddie carefully set them back down. He liked his peaches to have a satisfying crunch, when he ate one. 

Buck walked closely behind him, the lines of his body barely pressing against Eddie’s back. He decided not to call attention to the way his body instinctively swayed back, forcing the line of connection to strengthen.  

“Now back to what I was asking. Cowboy? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say something like that before. Have I been missing out on southern Texas slang? Come to think of it, I don’t think you say much besides…y’all,” Buck pondered, also looking at the plum jelly that was on display. 

Eddie’s mind thought back to the time, he said, “Alright, cowboy. Go get ‘em.” The affectionate bit of southern twang had passed his lips faster than he could remember his place.

There wasn’t a reason to call him that nickname, especially one that sounded like an endearment coming from the right person. But Buck didn’t know that. He hadn’t questioned it then, probably too focused on getting lined up on the ladder. And even if he had, Eddie would brush it off just like he was brushing it off now. 

“Didn’t you say you needed to get some turnips and red cabbage? I think I saw one a few stands over,” Eddie said, grabbing Buck by the elbow to lead him to more produce stands where a bunch of vegetables were being taken out. “And weren’t you saying you needed to replenish some herbs.”

“Yes,” Buck replied, already forgetting the whole cowboy thing. “Jill always sets some aside for me, but she’s visiting her family in Charlotte. I’ve been missing out on those fresh herbs. I tried growing some, but it’s really hard to grow plants on my balcony.”

“Especially when the birds keep getting into your plants.”

Buck sighed, leaning a little bit of his body weight on Eddie. “Exactly, I thought making a bird house and including a bird feeder would prevent them from tearing into my tomatoes, but that didn’t help.”

“You could always grow them back home,” Eddie told him. He drew his hand away from Buck’s elbow and walked over to where they had some spring tomatoes. 

“I could do that. Do you think it’d grow in the backyard?”

Eddie shrugged looking at a tomato that had yet to ripen. “I think so. The previous owners had a plum tree that was growing in the backyard. I tried to maintain it for a bit.”

“But you have the thumb of death, when it comes to plants. And you refuse to try to correct that,” Buck chortled, mind probably going to the time Buck had bought Eddie a cactus. 

It was a nice idea. Buck had wanted Eddie to feel a little at home, when Eddie started feeling this strange sense of homesickness a while ago. Buck’s first thought was to buy a cactus because he assumed that would cure his homesickness. 

And who knows it might have…if Eddie hadn’t managed to kill it within two weeks. 

“I still don’t know how you managed to kill the most low-maintenance plant ever,” Buck laughed, leaning over Eddie to grab another tomato.

“It doesn’t matter anyways. I have you and your green thumb. We balance each other out quite nicely,” Eddie exclaimed.

“That we do,” Buck said, an amused lilt to his voice. “Okay, what's next on my list? I need to pick up some thyme and rosemary.”

“And basil. Remember you ran out of that, when you made that basil tomato pasta.”

“Is this your way of saying you want me to make that again? I see the way you’ve been adding those ingredients to my bag.”

Eddie lifted one shoulder up, “I mean, if that’s the way you choose to see it. Sure, thank you for offering to make that. Truly, it’s very generous of you.”

“Of course, Eddie. Anything for you,” Buck grinned, throwing his arm over Eddie’s shoulder. 

The two of them continued walking through the farmers market for a few more hours. Eventually, the area grew crowded as more people began to start their day. They had already gotten everything they needed and were leisurely walking around at that time. 

Eddie shifted his hand, which was starting to cramp from holding all the bags. Buck noticed the discomfort and smoothly moved two of the five bags that Eddie was holding onto his own arms. Eddie looked at the strain in his arms and the way his muscles tensed. 

Eddie was by no means a weak man. He knew he could hold those bags. He could gently guide them back into his hands with a mockingly offended laugh that Buck was questioning his strength. 

But Eddie’s eyes were still focused on Buck’s muscles, the way the fabric of his powder blue shirt seemed to stretch over his arms and chest. Buck’s shoulders were so broad, he wondered if he was ever worried that the material would stretch beyond repair.

He almost wanted to check Buck’s washer and dryer at the loft and see if there was some setting that shrunk his clothes. He knew Buck had been working out a lot more in the most recent years. Eddie had been around him for most of those years. 

With these gradual changes, he rarely noted a difference. If he did, it was more of a, “Man, you’ve gotten stronger” or “I see those five reps of ten are really working out for you.”

And it was normal that way. Those compliments could be given freely in a way that seemed okay to admire his friend’s body. 

Even Sophia and Adriana would make comments admiring their friends' bodies. There had been many times Sophia would openly meet with her friends and compliment their beauty. They gave compliments so openly and easily. And it was fine. It was normal. It was accepted. 

Then why did he think those thoughts needed to stop? Surely, it was okay to admire. That’s all it was…admiration because Eddie wanted to get his arms toned like him. Yes, he was simply looking so he could later ask questions about Buck’s gym routine. 

It didn't matter that he knew Buck’s gym routine. He exercised a lot at the firehouse, but he had to be saving his real workout routine for somewhere else. Yeah. That had to be it because all of that could not have happened in their station’s gym. 

He was brought out of his musings, when he heard Buck’s phone ring. Buck turned around trying to balance his bags between his arms, while also reaching for his phone in his back pocket. 

Now the first idea should have been to take a few bags from Buck so that he could reach into his back pocket to grab his phone. The second idea should have been to guide them to a table that was three feet away from them. Then Buck could set his bags down and answer his phone. 

He had no clue then why he chose to reach over into Buck’s back pocket and hold out his phone to him.

“It’s Maddie,” Buck said. 

Eddie answered the phone for him and then held it to Buck’s ear. 

“Hey, Maddie.”

The conversation continued for only a few minutes. Buck ended the call and Eddie went to put his phone back into his back pocket.

Eddie could’ve just held both of their phones. 

“Do you mind, if we head over to Maddie’s? Their babysitter canceled on them and Jee has a cold-” Buck began explaining.

Eddie stopped Buck from having to explain anymore. “Of course it’s fine. I said we’d do whatever you wanted today. Besides, even if it wasn’t your birthday I’d still want to do what you wanted to do.”

Buck smiled bashfully like he was unaware of just how much Eddie would do for him. 

“Thanks.”

“No, problem. Plus I’d do anything for Maddie too. Does she need us to pick up anything for Jee on the way? Like kid’s Tylenol or anything?”

“I don’t know, but I’ll call her in the car to make sure,” Buck said as they both began walking to Eddie’s car. 

They wound up having to make a stop at the pharmacy to pick a few things up for Jee. By the time they made it to the Buckley-Han residence, Maddie was opening the door with thanks already flying out of her mouth. 

Buck and Eddie followed her inside. Eddie closed the door behind him and made sure to lock it. Buck walked behind Maddie as she moved through the kitchen throwing things into her bag. Maddie looked up and shot them both a tired smile. 

“Sorry, hi. I meant to say good morning, when you came in. But as you can see I’m a little everywhere today,” Maddie rushed out. Then taking a moment to catch her breath, she added, “Jee’s babysitter had a family emergency she had to run off to. And I already agreed to cover someone’s shift today. Definitely, didn’t want to have to call out too. I mean I would have called out, but then I thought…Buck.”

Maddie rambled on, letting the two of them into her thought process. 

“Seems like the appropriate response,” Buck laughed as Maddie struggled to search for where her sentence was going. 

Frustration left her through the form of a sigh. “I don’t trust anyone else with my child, especially when she’s sick. I knew if Jee couldn’t have us watching over her, she’d love to have her Uncle Buck.”

Eddie smirked as Buck’s smile widened. 

“She’s a smart girl.”

“The smartest,” Maddie agreed. “Also thanks for picking up the medicine. Chimney and I usually keep some kid’s Tylenol on hand, but I don’t know where it went. We probably ran out a while back.”

Going through her bag, she began to go through her checklist of things she needed. Then she continued her list of things for Buck to remember. 

“Seriously, thanks so much. You too Eddie. I know Buck was really excited to spend his birthday with you. And now your plans are ruined because I thought it’d be fine for Jee to play in the rain yesterday. You know she was so excited to try out her new rain boots. But my sweet baby girl catches colds like nobody’s business. 

Eddie sighed sympathetically. “Chris is the same. A cold wind could come by and he’d be sneezing for days.” 

Maddie smiled, having the comfort of another parent going through this. “Okay, I’ve got to head out before I am late for work. Jee is still asleep, but she may wake up in a few more hours. She’ll probably be hungry by then too. The babysitter usually prepares her food, but I went ahead and prepared breakfast and lunch for her. Make sure she eats before she takes her medicine.”

Eddie could see the mental checklist Buck was writing down in his mind. He attentively listened to his sister as she went through the things Jee might need. 

“You remember how fussy she gets when she’s tired. So take that fussiness and multiply it by ten, when she’s sick.”

“Don’t worry. I got this Maddie,” Buck calmly reassured his sister. “It’ll be all good. I’ll text or call you, if either I or Jee need anything.”

“Good. Chimney is working a 12 today, so he should be home a little earlier than me, probably around five. And then you are relieved of your babysitting duties. I’ll let you know if any of that happens to change though,” Maddie explained. “Alright, I should really head off.”

“Maddie, we got this. And hey I have Eddie as backup,” Buck said, pointing back to where Eddie was currently standing. 

“Okay. Also you two are free to anything in the fridge. Honestly, it’s not much because I haven’t done a lot of shopping.”

“Maddie, you’re stalling. I have babysat Jee multiple times,” Buck teased. 

Maddie tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. “You’re right.  Okay, let me leave before I find more things to worry about. Okay, for real. Love you. Enjoy the rest of your birthday. Remember Chimney and I are still taking you out for dinner this weekend for your birthday. Hopefully, Jee will be better by then.”

“I can’t wait. Now go,” Buck laughed, while pushing against her back to walk her to the door. 

Buck’s laughter continued into the house, until Eddie could hear the door close and lock. Buck went back to the kitchen, where Eddie was putting all the things they had gotten from the farmers market. Buck’s loft was in the opposite direction of Maddie’s house and with her needing help it didn’t make sense to loop back. 

Buck began helping Eddie. “I know you said you’re okay with this, but you can go home if you want to.”

Buck said it so casually, but Eddie knew it was anything but that. 

“I don’t. I want to be here with you," he seriously responded. 

“Cool,” Buck chimed in, placing the rest of the produce in the refrigerator. “I guess we have a few hours before Jee wakes up. You want to see if there’s anything to watch on Netflix or something?”

Eddie walked over to the couch and settled down. Maddie kept her house at a colder temperature than he would have preferred. His body did run hot, but even he had nothing on how hot Maddie ran. Chimney even said how he woke up one night with his teeth tightly clenched because he was shivering. 

Chimney even went to the doctor because he thought he had TMJ, but he found out it was just his body being so tightly tensed because it was cold. Him and Maddie had negotiated a happy medium for the both of them. But even their happier medium was many degrees lower than what Eddie kept his thermostat on. He didn’t want to know what their electricity bill came out to. 

It must be a genetics thing too because Buck kept things cold in his loft, but at least he didn't keep his loft as cold as Maddie's house. 

Eddie pulled at the throw blanket Buck was already resting on. Buck sat up a little, so the blanket could move from underneath his shoulders. Buck took the time to grab the remote and started scrolling through different streaming services. 

It was nice to see the Buckley-Han house splurged on streaming services. He didn’t know some of these streaming services existed. Since when did Apple have a streaming service? 

“We could get started on The Bear,” Eddie commented, watching Buck pass Hulu. “Maybe see if we can watch one or two episodes before Jee wakes up.”

Buck cleared his throat, looking at Eddie through his peripheral then quickly cutting his eyes back to the television screen. “Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. We can watch that.”

Eddie leant back, blanket drawn tight over his body. Immediately, he was suspicious. It sounded like he had watched it already, but he couldn’t have watched it without him. It was their show. Buck wouldn’t do that to him. They had started watching it the day it first premiered. 

Buck had come over that summer, talking about some new show that he had seen the trailer of. He had been watching so many cooking shows lately. The Bear popped up into his feed one day. Eddie was fine to give the show a go and as the people say the rest was history. They quickly fell in love with the show. 

Bobby on the other hand might not have appreciated their enthusiasm for the show. The two of them had started using the loft kitchen as their own The Bear replica. The others didn’t quite like the loud calls of, “Corner” while they were trying to make their sandwiches. They especially didn’t like it, when Buck was cooking lunch for them one day and he had gone a little extreme on the method actor side of things. 

Eddie had a lot to appreciate in the Carmy method acting style…but the others saw it as another version of Clipboard Buck. Eddie liked seeing Buck in charge. He wasn’t too put off by it. And honestly neither were the others. They enjoyed seeing Buck have fun in the kitchen. He was just told to cool it down a bit, whenever he started telling them to hurry up and get things prepped for family dinner. 

Though they did find it more amusing than anything, when Buck pulled Ravi aside and told him instead of Probie he would now be their Line Cook. 

Ravi hadn’t found it so amusing, when he was getting critiqued for his onion dicing skills. 

The Bear had taken over their minds. But the obsession had eased off into a casual appreciation, once season two premiered. It was still Buck and Eddie’s show though. Finding out that he had watched the show with someone else hurt. It’d be one thing if he re-watched it with someone else, but he had the audacity to watch the season three premier without him. 

Eddie dug in deeper to his blanket. “You watched it already. Didn’t you?” he stated, hoping he didn’t sound bitter. 

Buck turned to him, apologies already on his tongue. It was one thing to think he had watched their show without him. It was another to have confirmation that he had indeed watched the new season. 

“Buck,” Eddie sighed. 

Buck rushed out his apology, before Eddie could even say anything else. “Sorry. It came out on June 26th and Tommy was over. He only wanted to watch one episode, but then one episode turned into two. But we didn’t watch the last two episodes, so…”

“Was that supposed to make me feel better?” Eddie snarkily bit back. 

“I was hoping it would,” Buck winced. 

“All I feel is betrayed right now.”

Buck tilted his head to the side, eyes widening. Eddie refused to waver. He refused to be affected by this move Buck had taught Christopher. One day Christopher had done the same head tilt and wide eyed apology, when Eddie was about to take away his game console for a week. The punishment had been reduced to three days instead of a week. 

It was a wicked combination. One would be the most awful person in the world, to deny the head tilt and wide eyed expression. It was criminal and Buck knew it. 

“I didn’t even enjoy the experience, if it makes you feel better.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. 

“No, seriously! You know I love talking back to the TV and hearing people talk too. And then Tommy had forgotten some of the plot, so I kept having to explain stuff to him. Come to find out after we finished he barely watched season two. He said he mostly kept it on for background noise, when he was scrolling through his phone.”

“Yes, Buck. That makes me feel a whole lot better.”

“Really?” Buck perked up.

“No.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh,” Eddie said, then a moment later. “Oh! Oh, no!”

“What? What’s wrong,” Buck exclaimed, watching as Eddie fumbled to get out of the tight burrito he had wrapped himself in. 

Eddie broke free from the clutches of the blanket and ran to grab his keys. He ran out to the driveway and searched his car for what he had forgotten. In all this talk about The Bear, Eddie remembered he had left Buck’s birthday cake in the backseat floor of his car. 

He looked around and leant down. He saw the bag where Buck’s birthday candles were. They had grown softer, but it wasn’t un-savable. He could still put them on the cake—the cake that had somehow slid underneath Eddie’s driver seat. That must’ve been why he hadn’t remembered to bring it in, when they were unloading his car.

Eddie pulled out the cake container. The plastic container felt hot and Eddie could see that some of the cake had been pushed to the side, during the drive. The plastic cake holder was clear enough so he could see how the top layer of the cake was almost melting. 

He looked despondently at the cake he had worked so hard on. He didn’t even think it was worth putting in the refrigerator, but he wanted Buck to know that he had made him a cake. He just probably wouldn’t be able to eat it. 

He made his way back into the house, where Buck was leaning against the door. 

“You good? You ran out of here like your car caught on fire,” Buck asked, with his arms crossed over his chest. Then looking down at the cake in Eddie’s hand, he questioned, “Is that for me?”

“It melted,” Eddie bemoaned. And Eddie was not going to cry over cake. It didn’t matter that he had spent hours perfecting this recipe. It didn’t matter that he had endlessly scoured the internet for the best vegan strawberry buttercream cake recipe known to mankind. 

“I forgot I had set it in the backseat of the car, when I went to your loft. I meant to bring it inside. But I only remembered your gift and birthday card. Now it’s ruined. It was your favorite too. I finally got it right…now it’s ruined.”

“Hey, no it’s not ruined,” Buck hurriedly tried to convince him. 

“Buck, it stayed in my overheated truck, suffering hours of July heat,” Eddie dismally told him. 

They walked inside, not wanting to stay out in the July heat any longer than they had to. Eddie set the cake on the island. He opened it and lo and behold, the cake was melting. It was even starting to cave on one side. The icing that once looked fluffy, now looked like a thin layer of liquid sugar. 

Buck shook his head. “It’s not ruined. It’s still good. See.”

Buck went over to Maddie’s cabinets and pulled out a plate. Then reaching into the silverware jar, he grabbed two forks and a knife. He cut a thick slice of cake, before Eddie told him to try only a little. 

“Buck, it’s been in a hot car for hours. I really wouldn’t recommend you eating this cake,” Eddie told him. 

“I doubt a few hours would do it any harm. It’s not that bad. You’re just overthinking,” Buck said, biting off a piece of cake. He groaned around the forkful, appreciative and delighted. “Eddie, you’re pulling my leg here.”

“What?”

“This might be the best cake I have ever had,” he promised,  already eating another piece of the cake. 

“Really?”

“Really,” he said. Then a second later, he held out his fork to Eddie. “Here, taste it. You’ll be able to spot the difference, if there even is any.”

It didn’t matter that Buck had pulled out two forks, he still held his own out to Eddie. 

Eddie’s mouth closed around Buck’s fork and slowly drew away from it as Buck pulled the fork back. A little bit of cake caught the corners of his lips. Eddie used his thumb to gather the bit of icing that had lingered on the outside of his lips, then popped the digit back into his mouth. Distractedly, he hummed at the taste. 

“Does it taste any different?” Buck hoarsely whispered, eyes moving from his lips. He moved a little more into Eddie’s space then as if being aware of himself, stepped back. “Does it?”

Admittedly, the cake was still good. It was warm, but it definitely wasn’t enough to be worried about. Eddie could feel his cheeks begin to grow warm. Buck smiled knowingly at him. 

“No, it’s good. It is hot, but it is good.”

“Told you. I’ll put the rest in the refrigerator. We can put the candles on it and celebrate, when it’s a little colder. You’re not getting out of singing happy birthday to me. Especially, when I know the singing pipes you have on you after all that karaoke we did.”

“You’re the one to talk,” Eddie teased back. “Remember karaoke was your choice. You wanted to hear yourself sing and you know it.”

“Whatever. Only the two of us will ever hear how great of singers we are,” Buck laughed, heading back to the couch. 

“Perhaps it’s better that way,” Eddie mused, slinking back into the couch and making his blanket burrito tight. 

“Is it?” Buck mumbled, under his breath. 

Eddie wasn’t sure he had heard Buck correctly. He had been busy making his blanket burrito and the blanket had been raised to his ears, so his hearing had been a bit muffled. 

“What’d you say?”

Buck cleared his throat, relaxing into the couch. “Nothing.”

Eddie shrugged his shoulders. 

“So… The Bear?” 

“I guess. Might as well catch up,” Eddie joked. 

“Eddie.”

“I kid. I kid. Just hit play,” Eddie said. 

The two were able to watch the first two episodes of the third season by the time they could hear little feet do their little pitter patter against the wood floors. Buck was the first to turn around and see Jee walking out of her room. 

Jee’s hair was sticking up in nearly every direction. She held her teddy bear tightly in one hand and the other furiously rubbing at her eyes. She drew her hands down and saw Buck, who was now standing. 

“Uncle Buck,” Jee lightly said, voice softened from sleep. 

“Hey, Jee. I heard you’re not feeling good,” Buck gently consoled, softening his own voice. He knelt down to her height as she walked into his arms. He picked her up, bouncing her gently as she laid her head down against his shoulder. 

“Sick,” Jee told him in a hushed tone.

“I know. But I’m here and we’re going to try to make you feel a little better. How about we get some food in you. Are you hungry?”

“No,” Jee coughed. 

Eddie walked over to them, leaning over to feel her forehead. Her skin was warm at the touch. They would probably need to take her temperature a little bit. But the Tylenol would help with that. However, they did need her to eat something. 

“Maybe we can try eating something very small,” Buck suggested. 

“No,” Jee disagreed. 

Eddie chose to use some parenting hacks of his and hoped he wasn’t too rusty. It had been a while since he dealt with a sick toddler, but he imagined it couldn’t be that much different from dealing with a sick teenager. In fact, it seemed the older children became the harder it was when they did come down with a cold. 

“Do you want to play with your dolls? I think your dolls are a bit hungry. They were sleeping all night long. You want to wake them up and see if they are hungry?” Eddie questioned, peeking over at Jee to see if she’d take a bait. 

Jee tilted her head, rubbing her hands against flushed cheeks. She shrugged her shoulders but still didn’t respond. 

“I think they might want some nice warm chicken noodle soup. Remember last time we played with your dolls and you said Maggie was opening a restaurant. I heard she was making some soup and everyone said it was so good,” Buck said, further selling the story.

Eddie could only assume Maggie was the name of one of her dolls. He recognized it was closely similar to Maddie’s name. 

“Really?” Jee questioned, brown eyes searching Buck’s making sure her uncle was telling the truth. 

“Yes. And the other dolls wanted to go, but the restaurant was so popular. But you want to know what I said?”

“What?”

“I said that Jee is a famous singer,” Buck said. 

And Chimney had publicly complained to all of the 118 about how sweet and kind it was of Buck to give their toddler a toy karaoke machine. The bags underneath his eyes proved how thankful he was for Buck giving that gift to his daughter. 

“And then I said Jee wants to come to this very famous restaurant with her friends. Maggie said it’s open now and we all can come. Do you want to get your dolls dressed and ready to go to the famous restaurant?”

“Yes,” Jee’s sweet voice chimed back. 

“How about you and Uncle Buck get your friends. And I’ll help Maggie open up the restaurant,” Eddie offered. 

Buck smiled at him and led Jee to her room. Eddie started to prepare a few bowls of soup. He saw Maddie had set aside a portion of vegetable soup for Buck. Eddie reheated the soup in the pot, deciding it would taste better than having to warm it up in the microwave. 

Buck came back carrying Jee and an armful of dolls. He began placing them around the table. Jee delegated which doll should sit in what spot. They continued listening to her tell them where she wanted her dolls to be. 

The soup soon became hot in that short amount of time. Eddie grabbed a sleeve of crackers and some water. Jee still wasn’t fooled by their display, but eventually gave in when Eddie and Buck pretended to give her dolls some soup. Jee only ate a few spoonfuls, but it was enough food to put on her stomach so that she could take her medicine. 

“Let me take her temp before we get some medicine for her. Do you know where Maddie keeps the thermometer?”

“In the medicine cabinet over the stove,” Buck directed him, whilst wiping off any stray crumbs on Jee’s face. 

Eddie hummed in assent. He grabbed the thermometer and the kid’s Tylenol that was still in the pharmacy bag. Buck took the thermometer from him. 

“Alright Jee, I’m going to lift your arm and take your temp. Okay?” Buck said, beginning to take her temperature. They waited, until it beeped. Buck held it up to his face. “100.1.”

Eddie winced, then speaking a little softly so as for Jee not to hear him, he turned to Buck.

“It’s high, but thankfully it’s not high to where she needs to go to the hospital. We’ll give her the Tylenol and monitor her. We’ll recheck her temp after she takes a nap,” he whispered, moving to put the thermometer back into their medicine cabinet.

Buck rocked Jee in his arms. “Okay, that sounds fine. Hopefully, she starts feeling better.”

“Yeah, hopefully so. We can periodically check her temp to see if her fever lowers. If it becomes any higher, we’ll need to make a call to Maddie and take her to the doctor,” he spoke in a softer tone, just in case Jee was attentively listening to them. 

At that time, Jee began coughing into Buck’s shoulder. “Uncle Buck, I don’t feel good.”

“I know, sweetheart. I know. We’re going to give you some medicine and hopefully that'll make you feel better,” Buck said, reaching out for the kid’s Tylenol. 

Eddie’s eyes grew round at Buck. That was the worst word to use for a sick toddler and Buck was about to learn today. As soon as Jee heard the word medicine her mouth began trembling. Big silver tears cast a glow over her eyes. 

“I’m not sick,” Jee cried. “I’m not sick, Uncle Buck. No medicine.”

“I’m sorry Jee, but your mom says you need to take it to make you feel better.”

“No, I don’t want medicine!” Jee yelled. 

And then Jee began crying in earnest. Buck turned to him, suddenly afraid at this turn of emotions. Eddie knew how difficult it was dealing with a child who is sick for the first time. Eddie nearly cried the first time Christopher had come down with the flu. It had gone rampant in his daycare which had gotten shut down that same year for unsafe conditions. 

It had taken Christopher a while to eat and even longer to take some medicine. He was nearly at his wit’s end, already from the stress of Shannon leaving. And it felt unbearable how every corner he turned it felt like he was making decisions that hurt his child. He had just made the move to California and the first daycare he put Christopher in was where he wound up getting sick. He had felt the guilt of that decision for months. 

Christopher got over it immediately, color rising into his cheeks and his appetite increasing. But Eddie had become more overprotective after that and it took awhile to let go of that fear. 

“How about we have Uncle Eddie take the medicine first? He can show you how much better it makes him feel. Look he has a cough too and it made him feel better,” Buck lied, soothingly rubbing his hands over Jee’s back. 

Eddie coughed, feeding into the lie. He took the cap off the bottle of Tylenol. Then he threw away the protective seal. Jee gave him her undivided attention. He pretended to pour some into the cup and quickly took the medicine like a shot.

“All better,” Eddie exclaimed. 

“See. You don’t even hear him coughing anymore,” Buck told Jee. “Now it’s your turn.”

Eddie was about to pour the actual medicine in the cup, but Jee’s silence stopped him. 

Jee didn’t look happy. She looked annoyed that they thought an adult could get one over on her. She pointed at the Tylenol then back to Eddie. 

Eddie didn’t want to take the Tylenol. He hated it as a kid. He hated the cherry flavor and that vile disgusting bubblegum flavor. He could still taste how awful it was sliding down his throat. But it wasn’t worse than when his mom made him and his sisters drink whatever strange ginger lemon concoction she made for whenever they were sick. 

“You didn’t drink it Uncle Eddie,” Jee whispered. 

Buck turned to Eddie and Eddie saw the moment he lost his support. “You’re right. Uncle Eddie didn’t drink the medicine. He tried to trick us! That’s not cool is it, Jee?”

Jee shook her head. “No.”

“Uncle Eddie is going to try it for real,” Buck said. “Isn’t he?”

Eddie narrowed his eyes at Buck. He better be glad that he had Jee on his side. 

“Yes, I am. We’ll do it together. Uncle Buck is going to take some too. You think we should add some more into his cup?” Eddie threatened. “He is bigger than both of us. He needs enough medicine for a giant.”

Jee laughed and clapped her hands together. “Yes.”

“Eddie,” Buck started speaking, his voice growing raspy in its efforts to be calm. 

Buck hated medicine. Eddie knew because one time he came over to his loft to drop off his secret Santa gift for Hen because he wasn’t able to make it to the party. And he saw Buck lying over his couch with a red nose and swollen eyes. It had taken Eddie almost thirty minutes to get Buck to agree to take the throat medicine his doctor had prescribed. 

He didn’t mind taking pills, but Evan Buckley would always fight a losing battle against any and all forms of liquid medicine. Thankfully, Jee was already proving to be a better patient.  

“Don’t worry. I won’t do that. I’ll put in the normal amount,” Eddie joked, then turned to Jee and gave her a wink. 

Jee giggled, but rested her head against Buck’s shoulder. Eddie poured some medicine into two cups for himself and Buck. Jee’s eyes were on him, therefore he couldn’t pretend to pour juice instead of medicine. 

He then took the measuring cup that was attached to the Tylenol bottle. He slid it over to Buck. He then grabbed his cup of medicine. 

“Cheers,” he said, tilting the cup into his mouth. 

“Cheers,” Buck said, first holding the small cup to Jee so she could take hers. Then he drank his medicine, nose scrunching up in distaste. 

They held their cups out to Jee who inspected it to make sure they actually drank it. Satisfied, Jee went back to wrap her arms around Buck. Buck held her tightly, standing up from his chair to pour a glass of water. 

“Gosh, this stuff is awful,” Buck disgustedly exclaimed, chugging the rest of his water down. 

“It’s even worse than I remembered,” Eddie groaned. Water wasn’t enough to chase that taste down. He grabbed some orange juice and poured himself a glass. He swallowed the juice, hoping it would eradicate the taste and force down any awful aftertaste from coming back up. 

Meanwhile Jee, for all her complaining, took the medicine like a champ. 

“So Miss Jee, what would you like to do today?”

Jee blinked her eyes up at Buck. “Watch Bluey. ”

“As the princess doth request,” Buck grinned. “Do you want anything from your room?”

“My blanket,” Jee quietly spoke. 

“I’ll go grab it. Which direction is her room?”

“Down the hallway, third door to your left.”

Eddie went to her bedroom and grabbed her blanket. It was a small pastel covered quilt, covering different fairytale stories. It was a very intricate and heavily detailed blanket. He could see why Jee requested it. 

“Here you go,” Eddie offered. 

“Thanks,” Buck said, covering Jee with the blanket. 

“I’m going to clean things up, while you watch Bluey. The dolls clocked out early. I guess I'm closing the restaurant tonight,” Eddie laughed. 

Buck grinned up at him. “You sure?”

“Yeah, spend some more time with your niece. Cleaning soothes me.”

The repetitive motion of cleaning helped quiet his thoughts. And he typically was on cleaning duty in the 118 because he wasn’t on their cooking rotation. Also anytime Buck cooked for him and Christopher, he always offered to clean. 

It didn’t take much to clean up Maddie’s kitchen. He only had to put Jee’s dolls back in her toy box. Then he cleaned the pots where the soup had been warmed up in. He wiped down the counters and eventually made his way back to the couch where they were watching an episode of Bluey. 

Eddie bundled himself up in his blanket. He listened to Buck and Jee talk back and forth about Bluey. Buck was heavily interested in the character’s storyline this season. He had even told Eddie about an episode one time. Buck stated that even though it was a show marketed to kids a lot of adults could benefit from watching it. 

Eddie guessed he’d watch the episodes they were viewing and see if they were indeed good. They continued watching the show, Jee and Buck’s voices going in and out. Soon Jee fell back asleep, little breaths of air escaping her mouth in quiet snores. 

“You’re really good with her,” Eddie commended. 

“Thanks,” Buck shyly accepted the compliment. “It’s funny I never imagined that I’d be good with kids.”

“Really?” 

Eddie was surprised to hear Buck didn’t think he’d be good with kids. Buck had immediately bonded with Christopher. And the first thing Buck had said, when he showed him pictures of his son, was that he loved kids. He couldn’t imagine a world existing where Buck thought he wouldn’t be good with children. 

Buck nodded his head, but stopped moving when Jee gave a little disgruntled noise at the movement. 

“Really. I thought I could never be responsible enough to care for a child. And to be honest taking care of kids used to terrify me. I used to swear up and down I would never be a dad. But I grew up and did some maturing. In fact, my thoughts on parenting changed when I worked at this childcare center in Peru.”

“I thought you did bartending in Peru.”

“I did both. Our bar allowed job postings on the back wall. I was short for cash at some point during my stay there and needed to have enough money to pay rent. I saw an advert for a childcare position and applied. Working with kids and the adults who truly had a passion and heart for taking care of kids was eye opening. Suddenly, taking care of kids didn’t seem so bad. Then I met you and Christopher. And Christopher is such an amazing kid.”

“Yeah, he really is,” Eddie smiled. 

“Then Maddie had this precious little one right here, who has my entire heart wrapped up in her tiny…and sometimes very sticky fingers,” Buck laughed. “I never had any bad experiences working with children. I just thought for all my parents' words about being a difficult child, that maybe all children were difficult and it took the heart of a saint to want to be a parent. And I mean it still does, but…well you know.”

More and more Eddie wanted to take a drive down to Pennsylvania and have a talk with the Buckley parents. He wanted to meet them outside for a quick heart to heart. 

“You’re really good with kids. You’ve helped me raise Christopher. It’s been a tremendous help to have someone I completely trust by my side. I know Chimney and Maddie feel the same about you, in regard to their daughter,” Eddie proclaimed. “Jee follows you around like a duckling, whenever we have barbecues at Bobby’s.”

And it was funny, those first few days that Jee had been learning to walk. She had tried following Buck everywhere he went. Buck had so much joyous patience, walking alongside her while giving her enough space to try standing on her own and picking her up, whenever she began to look frustrated. Once she got sturdier on her legs, they couldn’t stop her from following Buck everywhere he went. Buck had rubbed it in Albert’s face for weeks that he was her favorite uncle. 

“You ever think about having kids yourself…you know another Buckley to add to the mix?” Eddie questioned. 

Buck seemed to mull over the question. “Yes, I definitely want more kids. I mean…I want kids. I want to be a dad, but I can wait. What about you? You think about having any more kids?”

Eddie tilted his head back and forth. “I always imagined having at least three kids. My family was huge. There were only three of us, but my parents came from large families. My dad has eight siblings and my mom has five siblings. Then we have so many cousins. I loved having a full house.”

Eddie took a moment to pause, reflecting on when those dreams of a big family changed. 

“But then everything with Shannon happened. And to be fair neither of us really planned on having kids with each other. Shannon never imagined becoming a mom…or I don’t know we never spoke about kids. Figured that was a discussion to have, when you got older or at least when you’re in a serious relationship. And even when I found out Shannon was pregnant I was fucking terrified.”

“Really?” Buck said, having the same response Eddie had to Buck not thinking he’d be good with kids. 

“Buck, you should’ve seen me, when Shannon came to me telling me she was pregnant,” Eddie grimaced, thinking back to that night where Eddie’s entire world changed in the span of an hour. 

Eddie looked up from where he had been reading the same sentence over and over in his US History textbook. He knew pregnancy tests didn’t take that long for the results to show. 

His cousin had just gone through a pregnancy scare and she had stepped into the room where Adriana, Sophia, and himself were waiting. It had only taken ten minutes for her to open the bathroom door, happily yelling that she was not pregnant. 

But Shannon had stayed in her bathroom for nearly an hour. It was a small apartment and Shannon had to do the test, while her mom was out shopping. He had met her, holding the pharmacy bag with the tests she told him to pick up. 

She hadn’t waited for Eddie to come inside. Shannon quickly snatched the bag out of his hands and ran to the bathroom. Eddie had stood there, baffled for a few minutes. Soon he followed her inside and was now waiting for Shannon to tell him the results of the pregnancy test. 

He wanted Shannon to hurry. It shouldn’t take this long. He cracked his knuckles and kept trying to refocus on his reading. He had a test tomorrow and he couldn’t fail. He finally managed to raise his grade to a B+. 

Except his nerves were completely shot. Shannon couldn’t be pregnant. There was no way. They had used every bit of protection. He felt his palms grow sweaty. 

Shannon was probably experiencing a very intense sense of emotional relief, seeing that the pregnancy test results were negative. She was in there calming down from the panic and giving herself more time to calm down, finally relaxing and realizing that she was good. 

Eddie had no reason to panic. It was going to be fine. Shannon wasn’t pregnant. Eddie would stop this sickening sense of dread from choking him as soon as Shannon would step out of that bathroom. 

Finally, Shannon stepped outside of the bathroom, holding the three different pregnancy tests. 

He closed his text book and stared at Shannon. Shannon clutched the pregnancy sticks in her hand. 

He waited for her to smile and say she wasn’t pregnant. 

He waited for her to speak, do anything, say anything to tell him that they were not going to be parents. They couldn’t be parents. They were in no way, shape, form, or matter ready to be parents.

He stood in front of her and reached out. She flinched, curling in on herself. Her mouth trembled and a steady trail of tears ran down from her cheeks to her chin. 

“Shannon,” he shook his head back and forth. He reached out for her, head held between his trembling fingers. “Tell me. Tell me you’re not pregnant.”

Shannon gasped, responding like it’s the first time she heard the word pregnant in reference to her. She shook her head and that’s when Eddie knew. 

“Eddie,” she cried. 

She fell to the floor and Eddie almost didn’t catch her from how quickly her knees buckled. She sobbed into his shoulder, hitting her hands against his chest. 

Nausea hit him right between his eyes. 

Dizziness perforated his vision. 

His tongue stuck to the root of his mouth. 

He had to look down at his hands and make sure he was still there because this didn’t feel real. This had to be a dream of some sort. Terror pinched at the skin underneath his ribs, making its way into his bloodstream. He felt his blood thrum with trepidation. 

He pulled the pregnancy tests from Shannon’s tight grasp. He had no reason to believe she was lying. However, he had to see it for himself. All of the air in his chest escaped like someone had punched him right in the sternum. 

“I’m not ready, Eddie. I’m not ready,” she brokenly wailed. Her voice tumbled over the different syllables. She began hyperventilating, innocent eyes widening with all the childhood naivety that their newly turned 18 year old selves could not get rid of yet. 

“Shannon,” he breathed, his heart feeling like it was getting punctured by a thousand needles. 

He wasn’t ready to be a dad. He couldn’t be someone’s dad. He didn’t have it in him to raise a child and discipline them. He couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t do it. 

Shannon’s sharp cries rattled against the walls and bounced off of the floor. 

“We’re just kids…” she stuttered. “We’re just kids. Eddie. Eddie, I have my softball tournament in a few weeks. I’m supposed to go to Arizona State this fall, on a full ride scholarship. I am finally getting the opportunity to play at the collegiate level. I can’t. Eddie, I can’t breathe.”

Eddie held her tighter, rocking her back and forth. 

“I can’t be a mom. I can’t be a mom, Eddie.”

“Okay, okay. We don’t have to make a decision right now. We can wait.”

“No, we can’t! Eddie, I’m serious. I can’t do this. I won’t do this.”

“Shannon-”

“Eddie, I have dreams. I can’t let a baby derail my plans. I…I won’t have my mom to help me. She’s dealing with her own health. She can’t watch a baby. I’m going to throw up,” she mumbled, pushing back on Eddie’s chest. 

Eddie let her go and she ran to the bathroom, heaving into the toilet. Eddie slumped back against the dresser they had been propped against. 

Eddie wasn’t ready to be a dad either. For the first time in his life, he was considering going to college. He thought maybe he could take a few community college courses and transfer to a four-year university. Maybe he could be a walk-on for a baseball team. He had been talking with his guidance counselor and he had options. 

He was finally giving himself permission to dream outside of the life he had in El Paso. 

But now those options were disappearing right in front of Eddie’s eyes. His lips started to quiver and he blinked his eyes rapidly to dispel any tears. He got up from his seated position, leaving the pregnancy tests on the ground. 

Shannon continued to dry heave into the toilet. Eddie grabbed a hair tie from off her bathroom counter. He looped her wavy hair through the hair tie. He brushed back the strands that were clinging to her neck, from how sweat had gathered on her spine. 

“Whatever decision you want to make Shannon, I am behind you one hundred percent. We can look at different options. Your dreams don’t have to end. And even if we do…if we decide this is what we want…I’ll make sure you still have a chance to live out your dreams.”

Shannon lifted her head up and laughed sardonically. “Are you stupid? If I have this kid, my dreams are ruined. I will be known as the five-star recruit who got knocked up her senior year. I can’t finish out the rest of my season. I won’t be able to go to orientation. I would be pregnant. I needed a scholarship to attend college…you think I can afford a child too. Be serious, Eddie.”

“I am,” Eddie reasoned. 

“No, you’re not. You think everything could work. But wake up Eddie. This is the real world. Kids like us get one shot to make it out of El Paso. And we just royally fucked ours up.”

“It’s not fucked up, Shannon. It’s not…” Eddie tried placating, all the while his hands were shaking. “I can. I can step up and provide for you and the baby.”

He could hear his father already telling him, “A man has to step up and provide for his family. You need to take care of Shannon and your baby.”

But he had unknowingly said that aloud. Shannon screamed loudly, hitting her hands against her ears. 

“Stop it. Stop it. There is no baby. There is no baby. I can’t be a mom. This isn’t happening. This isn’t real,” she wept. 

But those pregnancy tests in the other room told a different story. 

“Shannon, we can…” Eddie trailed off, not knowing what they could do. Right now, things felt hopeless. 

“You might be fine staying in this bullshit city, but I wanted to leave! I have to leave this state, Eddie! I can’t breathe here,” Shannon mournfully yelled. She scratched at her stomach, the shirt riding up and leaving red marks on pale skin. “I can’t stay here another second, Eddie. I’ll die here. Do you hear me? I’ll die if I have to be a mom. I can’t be a mom.”

Eddie froze, his vision swam in front of him. Shannon kept yelling and screaming. She kept pushing at Eddie and would resume scratching at her stomach like she could somehow reach inside of her and make all of this stop. 

He could faintly hear her blaming him. And he understood. He wouldn’t try to take away the only person she could fight against. She needed this. She needed to use him to release all the anger she had surging in her body. 

They both sat there, in that small bathroom for what seemed like hours. Eddie planted his hands on the tile floor, begging it to bring some of its coolness into his overheating body. 

“I’m sorry, Shannon,” was all he could offer her up in hopes of forgiveness. 

Shannon never relented. But soon she grew tired of pushing against Eddie’s arms. She pulled back and looked at Eddie for a few seconds. 

Shannon’s face was a splotchy red. She would alternate between hyperventilating and dry-heaving. Eddie wet a towel and pressed it on his forehead. He had to be strong for Shannon. He swallowed all his emotions. He closed his eyes and imagined putting all of this in a box. Then he imagined closing the box with a lock on it. 

He set it aside, left to be in an unopened archive. Within the box, there was a boy that was screaming and crying. He yelled from inside to be let out. But he couldn’t let that version of him out of the box. 

He was saddened. He felt it in his heart, that deep-sinking realization that he had to lock a part of himself up. But it worked in the past. That version of him could go with the others, in their carefully locked boxes. 

He’d be safe there. 

And Eddie could be safe in the outside world. Safe from all his fears, regrets, disappointments, and shame. 

Eddie continued to wipe the sweat from Shannon’s forehead. He made sure he was safe, so now it was his turn to take care of Shannon and make sure she was safe. 

“I didn’t know it was that hard for you two. I imagined it would have been difficult, being two teenagers that found out they were having a kid. But I don’t know…I guess I got the impression you always took things on the chin and it didn’t phase you as much,” Buck conveyed. 

Eddie nodded, seeing where Buck was coming from. “I can see how you would think that, but it was hard. I mean the further along she got in her pregnancy, we got adjusted to the idea of becoming parents. Well…we had to.”

“Had to?” Buck gently asked. 

Eddie picked at his fingers. “My dad overheard me confiding in Sophia about Shannon’s pregnancy news. And well…after that we didn’t have any more options. We had one option. And I don’t regret it. Shannon and I were leaning toward the direction of having the baby. But we did talk about adoption seriously at first.”

Eddie paused, hoping Buck didn’t think any less of him or Shannon. “We were still terrified. I didn’t have a job. Shannon was having to move in with us because her mom was moving closer to her side of the family, so she’d have more support with her treatment. Thought maybe Christopher would have a happier life with parents who could provide for him.”

“That’s a really difficult decision to think about and make,” Buck gently spoke, turning more toward Eddie. 

Eddie swallowed and blinked his eyes. He sniffled and rubbed at his eyes. 

“Yeah, it was,” Eddie muttered. “It was really hard.”

Buck locked eyes with him, silently telling Eddie he could tell him anything. It was the first time Eddie was opening up like this about the time he learned Shannon was pregnant and everything leading up to Christopher’s birth. 

He had only given Frank the sparknotes. The only one who knew how hard that time was on him was Shannon. His parents had pretty much ignored how difficult things were for him and Shannon. And his sisters were too young for Eddie to feel like he could come to them with his problems and fears. 

But it felt good to talk to Buck, to have that nonjudgemental and unwavering kindness directed toward him. It made this part of his past easy to talk about. And Eddie found himself wanting to tell him everything. 

“That’s why my parents were pushing to watch Christopher, when Shannon first left. I hated that I had even told them we were thinking about adoption because it felt like that gave them an incentive to say I couldn’t take care of Christopher…or that I didn’t want to,” he scoffed, thinking back to that conversation. “But I did. I love him with my entire being. Shannon loved him with her entire being too. We were always meant to be his parents. Christopher was always meant to be our son.” 

He paused, his thoughts catching up to him. 

Eddie reflected for a moment. “Then when I thought she was pregnant, before she passed…I don’t know. It was a different response. I got excited at the idea of Christopher having the chance to have a sibling. I thought we were in a better spot than when we were teenagers. It could be different this time. Better.”

“He’d be a good big brother.”

“Oh, most definitely. But things change. Priorities shift. Now I think that if I met the right person, I’d be willing to reopen the conversation about having more children.”

Eddie could hear Buck’s breath catch in his throat, before he realized his mistake. Eddie didn’t bother to voice a correction. He let the statement settle between them, almost challenging Buck to say something back. He just didn’t know what he was hoping to hear in a response to the slip. 

Did he even know what he meant, by not clarifying he meant to say woman instead of person? Because it’d be a lie, if he said that. The slip had been honest. It’d be untruthful to take it back. 

Eddie could feel a stinging coldness nip at his ankles, but he shook it away. Buck looked down to where Eddie had actually kicked out his leg to shake his foot. 

“The right person might come your way soon. You think you’d be ready for that?” Buck tentatively questioned. 

Eddie cut his eyes back to the TV, thinking that this conversation was beginning to evolve into something neither of them were ready for and yet he fell into the temptation of wanting more. 

“Maybe, I think I would be. Might have to find someone willing to be a bit patient, while I work over a few things with myself first,” Eddie replied, biting the inside of his cheek. 

Buck hummed low in the back of his throat. He looked down at Jee, who was still napping against his chest. He closed his eyes and smiled, like he was caught up in a memory or a dream. He opened his eyes and turned to Eddie. 

His expression didn’t leave much for Eddie to interpret, but that might have been because Eddie was too scared to see more than he hoped for. Buck opened his mouth to say something, probably something that would shake Eddie’s carefully constructed view of their friendship. 

Eddie couldn’t delve further into this pool of temptation. He had to get out. He wasn’t ready. 

Even if it felt like…

Even if it felt…

His thoughts echoed and stuttered in his mind. Those words kept on being repeated, but it was as though Eddie’s subconscious wouldn’t allow Eddie to finish the thought. 

Eddie’s chest rose and he tried breathing normally. 

Even if it felt like Buck was ready. 

The panic came back because Buck wasn’t ready. And even if he was he wouldn’t be ready for something with Eddie. Eddie didn’t even want anything with Buck. He was spiraling. He was tossing himself into the deep end of the closest abyss. 

He couldn’t do this to himself or Buck. 

In his mind, he began making another box, to put himself away in. But before he could place a lock on the box, Buck spoke up. 

“Do you think we should keep Bluey on while she is asleep or can we try watching something different?” Buck questioned, like he knew Eddie needed to be pulled away from the severity of his thoughts.  

He pushed the box aside and it began to slowly crumble into tiny grains of sand, before being blown away. 

“Let’s keep it on for a few more minutes, until we’re certain she won’t wake up if we change the show. Anyways, tell me the deal with this show again. I forgot which character is which,” Eddie said, thankful for Buck steering the conversation to a lighter topic. 

At this point, Jee was still sound asleep. So they didn’t even need to be watching it anymore. But Buck relented, continuing to explain the different characters in Bluey. 

A little while later, Buck looked down to where Jee was sleeping. He pressed the back of his hand against her forehead. 

“Still warm?”

“A little. But she’s not burning up anymore,” Buck replied with relief.

“That’s good. I’ll check her temp again in an hour.”

“This is a hundred times different than watching her, when she’s not sick. I mean she runs me ragged and I’m almost out of breath by the time she’s calmed down. But it’s so weird with her being quiet and having low energy.”

Buck pushed back a strand of hair that was clinging to her face. Jee’s nose scrunched up then relaxed. 

“It's hard, when children are sick. Makes your heart hurt and you wish you could make them better with a snap of your fingers,” Eddie said, automatically thinking about his own son. “Especially, when you’re the reason they’re not feeling good.”

“Eddie.”

Eddie shook the thoughts from his head and smiled at Buck. “I’m good. It’s not about…it’s not about that.”

“You’ll talk to me about it later though,” Buck vowed. “We haven’t really talked much about how you’re doing with Christopher gone.”

“Maybe later.”

“Eddie.”

“Later, okay,” Eddie pleaded. He was teetering on the edge of a tightrope right now and a slight breeze would knock him off.

“I just don’t want you bottling things up again.”

Before you explode, was the part he left off, but Eddie knew what he was saying. 

“I won’t. I still talk to Frank every week. I’m doing things in a healthier way.”

Buck was about to say something, until his phone started ringing. Eddie leant over to grab the phone from the coffee table and handed it to Buck. He didn’t see who the caller was. He assumed it was either Maddie or Chimney calling to check-in on Jee. They had sent a text earlier, but Eddie knows a call is always preferred especially when a person’s own child is sick. 

Buck pressed the answer button on the call, bringing the phone to his ear. 

“Hey,” Buck answered. 

Eddie didn’t listen in on the conversation. He was attentively listening to whatever the dog with the spot on its face was saying to the orange dog. Sue him, he still didn’t know their names. There were a lot of dogs in this show. 

Eddie was drawn away from the show, which had admittedly gotten interesting, when Buck tapped him on his shoulder. 

“Can you hold Jee for a second? I need to take this call somewhere private,” Buck asked. 

Eddie loosened the tight hold he had on his blanket to hold his arms out for Jee. Buck settled Jee down into Eddie’s awaiting arms. Jee blinked sleepily at him, trying to see the reason for exchange. Upon seeing Eddie, she relaxed. She pulled her arms over Eddie’s chest and tucked in, pressing her face a over his collarbone. 

Eddie couldn’t imagine the position to be comfortable, so he shifted her a bit to rest away from his collarbone and more on his chest. Jee snuffled in her sleep and gave a little cough. Buck placed her blanket over her and pulled the corners tight around her body. 

Eddie was cold, but he didn’t dare add another layer to her already warm body. He lightly drew his own blanket over his shoulder, loose enough to provide warmth but not tight enough to where he couldn’t hold Jee. 

“I’ll be right back,” Buck said, stepping away. 

“Uncle Eddie,” Jee mumbled, voice sounding a little thick with mucus. He would have to give her some more Gatorade to help loosen the stuff up, causing her to cough it up. He leant over and brought some more Gatorade to her. She took a few sips, then relaxed. 

“Yes, sweetheart,” Eddie said, putting the cup back down. 

“Where’s Uncle Buck?”

“He went to answer a phone call, but he’ll be right back. Okay.”

“Okay. You’re really warm. Nice,” Jee said, shortening her last sentence as sleepiness continued to comfort her. 

She coughed a bit more, the sound becoming a little wetter. He patted her back as she continued coughing. It got to the point where he knew something was going to come up. He gently coaxed her to the half bathroom and told her anytime she coughed to let that icky feeling out of her mouth. She looked at him and coughed into the sink, weakly. Then she set her head back against Eddie’s chest. 

Eddie poured some water down the sink, to wash away what had come up. He stepped out for a minute because Jee needed to use the bathroom. He heard her washing her hands. Then the door opened and Jee came out, arms already stretched out for Eddie to pick her up. 

Eddie picked her up and went back to their cocooned position on the couch. From there she tried fighting sleep. She told Eddie all about her favorite Bluey characters. Her eyes would close and then reopen anytime one of the dogs talked on the screen. 

Eddie discreetly lowered the volume, just low enough to where she could feel like she wasn’t missing out on something if she fell asleep. 

Her eyes closed for a minute before reopening. Then Eddie decided to do a few methods to help her fall asleep. His mom had done this with him and his sisters. And it worked like a charm. Softly, he traced the contours of Jee’s face. He lightly tapped her nose and then her eyebrows. All while doing this, he hummed a lullaby his mother had learned from her own mother. 

Jee peered up at him as he hummed, the song very soothing and peaceful. Jee tapped her tiny hand against his chest, feeling the soft vibrations from his throat travel to his chest as he hummed the short lullaby. Eddie continued repeating the lullaby. 

Finally, Eddie could see the moment Jee began losing her tight grasp in her tug of war battle against sleep. He could see her heavy eyelids begin to shutter close. That time, she didn’t open her eyes. Instead, she continued resting peacefully. 

Eddie continued humming, even though Jee was asleep. He ran his fingers through her hair, knowing how much he enjoyed his mom running her fingers through his hair as he had laid asleep on her lap in the hot Texas sun. 

“Is she still doing okay?” Buck questioned, coming back after finishing his call. 

Eddie stopped humming and faced Buck. “Yeah, I had her drink some more Gatorade and then she spit up some mucus. That’s a good sign. Don’t want to keep that in her and infect her lungs. Everything good with your call? It was a long one.”

Buck ran his hands over his face, throwing his head against the back of the couch. Eddie couldn’t imagine that was an entirely comfortable position. Buck continued looking at the ceiling. 

“It’s…it’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing, if it makes you look stressed. Unless, it’s something that can’t be spoken about in the midst of children’s ears. Granted, Jee is in a deep state of sleep right now.”

“I can only imagine. It’s a very comfortable position to be sleeping in. Also to be soothed asleep by…what was that song you were humming. Haven’t heard it before.”

Since Buck had let him change the conversation multiple times, Eddie extended him the same courtesy. “Elysian Daydreams. My mom used to sing it to me and my sisters when we were children.”

“Sing it to me?”

“Ah,” Eddie flushed. “I don’t know if I have the singing voice to do that.”

“Please, unless you really don’t want to. Then that’s fine.”

“I guess, I can sing it. Since you asked so nicely. But don’t laugh at my singing.”

“I wouldn’t laugh, even if it sounded like Fergie’s rendition of the national anthem.”

“Whoa, that’s serious.”

“I know. Now start. You’re stalling.”

“Okay. No laughing remember.”

“No laughing.”

Eddie leant back against the couch and closed his eyes. He pretended he was back in El Paso for a moment, lying in their backyard. He felt the sun on his face and his mom’s hands running over the brows of his eyes. He heard her voice sing: 

Close your eyes for the night

Bid the world a brief goodbye

And my sweet child

Awaken in Elysium

May you play in the fields

Of bright evergreen

Smell the aroma of flowers

Feel the rain’s light shower

Close your eyes for the night

I’ll be sure to meet you

When you arise

From elysian paradise

Eddie opened his eyes and turned to face Buck. Buck blinked slowly, eyes intently drawn to him. Heat crept in his body. It never failed to surprise him how heavy Buck’s gaze was. When a person had Buck’s undivided attention, they felt that attention with clarity. 

“Eddie, that’s beautiful.”

“Thanks. I mean…it’s just a lullaby.”

“That might be the most beautiful lullaby I’ve ever heard. I mean that’s a hundred times better than forcefully knocking the cradle to the ground.”

Eddie frowned. “I don’t think that’s how the song goes.”

"It does.” 

“Alright, flatterer. You want to watch The Bear now that she’s asleep?”

“Yeah,” Buck said. “You want me to hold her?”

“No, I’m good for now. Plus, we can still monitor her to make sure the medicine it’s taking effect. We can trade off, when I need a restroom back.”

“Okay,” Buck said, leaning back. “Want to continue where we left off? Or restart the whole episode? I think we were maybe five minutes in, before Jee woke up”

“Yeah, we can restart it.”

“Okay,” Buck said. 

And Eddie didn’t know if he was tired from yesterday’s shift or maybe that kid’s Tylenol had some kick to it. But what he did know was that he found himself falling to sleep. He didn’t even know he had fallen asleep, until he felt hands try to pry Jee away from him. 

His arms tightened reflexively, before Buck ran his fingers over the shell of his ear. Eddie tried to command his body not to shiver. His body did not obey him.  

“Shhh, go back to sleep. I’m just taking Jee to the restroom. She needs to go and I need to give her some coughing medicine.”

Eddie thought he mumbled something in acknowledgment, but he had gone back to sleep. He was awake enough to feel Buck sit closer to him and pull Eddie’s head to his shoulder. Eddie peered at Buck, confused. 

“You’ll get a crick in your neck, sleeping that way,” Buck said. 

“Yeah,” Eddie agreed, going back to sleep. 

Some hours had passed, before he heard Chimney’s voice and Maddie’s voice in the house. He woke up startled, because it couldn’t have been that late at night to where both of them were done with their shifts. But he looked down at his phone and saw it was already six in the evening. 

“Well, well, well. Looks like Sleeping Beauty is finally awake. Do you know how long we waited for you to wake up,” Chimney said from his spot behind the kitchen island. 

“Sorry,” Eddie apologized, rubbing his eyes. “Had a long night last night. Couldn’t really get any good sleep. My bad. Buck you should’ve woken me up.”

“Chimney is just teasing you. It’s fine. Buck said you needed the brief nap. Thanks again for both of you helping out today. It’s been a real help.”

“Anytime,” Eddie offered. “She was wonderful. Hope she feels better.”

“Me too. Hey before you two head out, do you want to sing happy birthday. I saw the cake in the fridge and didn’t know if you were saving it for later or not,” Chimney said, but had already begun pulling out the plates and forks. 

Eddie agreed. It would be nice having them all singing happy birthday to Buck. Jee was awake enough to sing happy birthday and eat a small portion of cake, before Maddie was taking her back to bed. Chimney walked the both of them out, once again thanking them for taking care of his daughter. 

Eddie drove Buck back to his loft. He wondered if they would be able to finish up on the rest of The Bear. They could maybe fit in one more episode, before Eddie had to head back home. They had a late afternoon shift tomorrow, so they couldn’t stay up too late. 

Eddie carried a few things they got from the farmers market. He also held the cake container, making sure Buck would enjoy the rest of the cake. They walked up to Buck’s loft, talking all the way up until Eddie bumped into Buck’s back. 

He was about to say what made him stop, when he looked up to see Tommy standing in front of Buck’s door. He held his phone in one hand and a bag of takeout in his other hand. He looked between the two of them, curiosity sparking in his eyes then smoothed out. 

Tommy looked between the two of them. “I thought you said you were heading home from Maddie’s.”

Ah, and this is who Buck must have been on the phone with. It made a lot more sense why the conversation was long and Buck came back looking a bit unsettled. Perhaps Tommy wanted to take Buck out for his birthday. 

“I was.”

“You didn’t tell me Eddie was with you,” Tommy asserted. 

“I mean there wasn’t a reason to tell you. I had told you I was meeting up with Eddie earlier today.”

“Yeah, but when you told me that you had to go to Maddie’s to take care of Jee, I thought Eddie had dropped you off. I offered to come over and help. Wanted to spend time with you.”

“Yeah, well. I was watching my niece.”

“And that had to include Eddie?”

Eddie did not like the situation that was arising. He saw the two of them clench their jaws in stubbornness. 

“Tommy, I am sure you can understand that Buck was helping out his sister today. That was his main concern. It didn’t matter if I was there or not. Maybe you can first start by asking how Jee is doing…or maybe saying happy birthday in person.”

Eddie hoped his tone sounded slightly amused, but he was anything but that. Instead he was heated. He wanted to tell Tommy to lower his tone several levels and stop behaving like he was owed Buck’s presence on his birthday. He was spending it how he wanted to. 

Tommy rapidly blinked his eyes, as though he was surprised by Eddie’s interjection. 

“Yeah…I'm sorry. How is Jee?”

“She’s good. She didn’t have a high fever, so Maddie is going to let me know how she is in the morning,” Buck answered back. 

“Good. That’s good. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound rude. I just had plans. And I should have called ahead to make sure you were free. I’m sorry,” Tommy apologized. “And when I saw Eddie I thought…”

“What? That I was lying?” Buck narrowed his eyes at him, wanting Tommy to explain. 

“No. I…can we talk about this inside?” Tommy said, darting his eyes up to Eddie. 

“Yeah,. I’ll meet you in there. Just let me walk Eddie down,” Buck waved him inside, after unlocking his door. He passed his bags for Tommy to hold. Then he grabbed the remaining ones that Eddie held as well as the cake container. 

Tommy bit his lip, but took the bags and stepped inside Buck’s loft. The door closed with a quiet click. 

“You don’t have to walk me out. Enjoy the rest of your night. We do have work the next morning, so try not to stay up too late. I am not covering for you, if Bobby asks me why you’re ten seconds away from falling asleep during lineup,” Eddie joked. “And hopefully things work out well...with whatever is happening.”

“You know you would cover for me in a heartbeat,” Buck snorted. “And ah…yeah. We’ll see about that.”

Eddie was about to say his goodnight and then Buck stopped him. 

“Also I know Christopher hasn’t really called you much. But he called to wish me happy birthday, when you went into the pharmacy. He said he missed us and…well…I just wanted to let you know. I know it’s been hard and things are still off kilter. But he does really miss you Eddie.”

Eddie pulled Buck in for a hug. “Thanks, Buck. It means a lot that Christopher can talk to you. I appreciate you being there for him, when I can’t be the parent he needs right now.”

“You know I will always be there for you and Christopher,” Buck confessed, pulling Eddie in tighter. 

The time stretched on for a few seconds that could be thought of as hours. Though Buck had company and Eddie couldn’t keep Buck for any longer, they still held on to each other for a few more seconds. 

He pulled back and laid his hand on Buck’s shoulder.

“Enjoy the rest of your birthday.”

“Thanks for today.”

“Of course. You know I always love celebrating with you.”

“Yeah, but I mean not just for today. Thanks for everything. You’ve been a really great friend and I don’t think I have told you that as much as I should.”

Eddie shook his head. “You’ve been a really great friend too, Buck. Seriously, I don’t know where I’d be, if I hadn’t met you all those years ago. I don’t even want to know where I’d be honestly. Probably unhappy.”

“Nah, you’d be fine.”

“No, I really wouldn’t. There’s not a world that exists in which I’d be fine, if I had never met you,” Eddie truthfully revealed, baring out part of his soul to him. 

It didn’t feel as though that was enough to quantify how much Eddie relied on Buck’s friendship. He couldn’t even begin to put into words how much he admired, respected, and loved Buck. There wouldn’t even be enough air within his lungs to breathe life into all the reasons Buck had inspired him to try to be a better person everyday. 

“I love you” was the only phrase that seemed to honor his friendship with Buck. Yet it felt wrong trying to form his lips to say the words, “I love you” and then tack on the two words, “as friends” to the sentence. 

It felt like maybe he was saving it for the right time. Like maybe he was saving it for, when Buck might say it back and have it mean something. 

“Alright, well you have a good night. Hopefully, you and Tommy can enjoy the dinner he brought,” Eddie stated, swiping away those wandering thoughts. 

“Ha, yeah. We’ll see. Have a goodnight, Eddie. Text me when you make it home safely.”

“I always do.”

Eddie could feel Buck’s stare on him as he descended down the stairs. He knew once Buck went inside his loft, he would walk toward his window which overlooked the parking lot where Eddie’s truck was and wait for him to safely make it inside. 

Eddie walked back to his car, shaking off the sensation of unsettlement causing the hairs on his nape to rise. He wouldn’t call it jealousy. He had spent the whole day with Buck. Buck didn’t even look all that happy to see Tommy standing there…

..and no. 

Stop it. 

Do not go there. 

Do not start wishing relationship problems upon someone just because your life is falling apart, he voiced to himself. 

Rolling down his windows, he let the air caress his face. He also put the AC on full blast. 

He was okay. This feeling would fade with time as well. He was just confusing things. He was lonely and he wanted all of Buck’s time. He was being selfish. He knew he needed to separate from this dependency. He had once depended on someone for too much and it broke him. 

Heat ran like liquid fire over his tongue. It ran down his cheeks like molten lava. And the only person he wanted to talk to was miles away and the miles kept increasing the further he drove.

Eddie wondered what that made of him…wanting to be easily given over to Buck, to let him have him in a way that has only ever broken him. 

But he knew Buck would never break him. Buck didn’t have a single bone in his body that would hurt anyone, intentionally or unintentionally. That just wasn’t Buck. His heart did not have the ability to hurt anyone or anything. 

Buck would probably try his damn hardest to piece all the  fragments of Eddie that were splintered in different places. He only had to hold his hands out to Buck and show him all his broken parts. Buck would lay them out on a table and begin to stitch them back together. 

And that fucking terrified him. 

Because he didn’t deserve to be pieced back together.

Chapter Text

Oh, all that I did to try to undo it 

All my pain and all your excuses 

I was a kid but I wasn’t clueless

(Someone who loves you wouldn’t do this)

All of my past, I tried to erase it

But now I see, would I even change it? 

Might share a face and share a last name, but 

(We are not the same)

Scattered ‘cross my family line

I’m so good at telling lies

That come from my mother’s side

Told a million to survive

Scattered across my family line

God, I have my father’s eyes

But my sister’s when I cry 

I can run, but I can’t hide

From my family line

From my family line

Family Line, Conan Gray

Eddie had always been jealous that his sisters could go to their elementary school’s Father-Daughter Dance. It had been held there for years and Eddie watched as his sisters would happily get ready for the dance. His dad would wear his nicest suit and escort his two sisters to the car, that had just gone through the car wash for that special night. His sisters would come back hours later, excitedly telling their mom and Eddie how much fun they had at the dance. 

In the back of his mind, he questioned why sons didn’t have dances like those. 

But the opportunity came up one day, when Eddie’s mom came returned home from her Zumba class and held out a flier from their city’s recreation center. His mom loved spur of the moment plans and his sisters were already  over at Pepa’s house for a sleepover. It had only been his mom and himself in the Diaz household for the weekend. 

Eddie looked at the flier, wondering if they were going. His question was answered, once his mom told him to hurry and put on the suit he had worn at his cousin’s wedding.

The slacks were short on him, falling three inches above his ankle. He had grown at least an inch taller between the ages of eight and nine. His mom didn’t told him not to worry about the pants, they still fit for the most part.

Eddie sighed, walking back to his room to put on his slacks. His mom came in his room and grabbed a dress shirt from his closet. She slide it off of the plastic hanger and held it in front of her face. She cocked her head to the side, contemplating whether the dress shirt paired nicely with Eddie's navy blue suit.

His mom took the shirt and headed to the laundry room to iron it. Eddie disliked whenever his mom would spray starch on his shirts. It made the shirt stiff like cardboard. And it roughly rubbed against his skin. 

However, he didn’t complain as his mom held out his freshly starched shirt. While Eddie pulled on the shirt, his mom went back to her room. She came back holding a tie, from her husband's tie collection.  The tie was big on him, falling at Eddie’s waist. He had to tuck it into the waistband of his slacks. 

“Wait in the den, while I go get dressed,” his mom told him, having gotten Eddie completely dressed and ready to leave. 

Eddie did as was told. It didn’t take his mom long to get ready. He looked up at her and saw she was wearing a pale purple dress to match Eddie’s tie. 

“Let’s go,” she beamed, grabbing her keys from the key-tray. 

The two left the Diaz household and headed to the rec center, which was only a twenty-five minute drive away from their house. 

It was the first time he heard of a Mother-Son dance, but Eddie couldn’t help the gleeful surprise surging through him. His mom led him to the gymnasium decorated with balloons and streamers. It looked like one of those dances on tv.

His mom held his hand in hers, swinging it between their bodies. They walked into the gym, momentarily stopping so his mom could put her name in a bowl for some lottery giveaway. 

His mom was tipsy and had been since she came home from Zumba. But he didn’t mind. She was happy and she chose to share that happiness with him tonight. He didn’t mind that she left him at the punch table to dance by herself. 

Eddie was in awe, having never seen his mom look so free. 

The other moms looked at her in thinly veiled judgment. His mom never shied away or made herself appear small. She threw her arms up, laughing as the music started to crescendo. The lights from the makeshift disco ball, created shadows of varying shapes over her dress. 

Eddie grinned and rocked on the balls of his feet, once the song transitioned to something he knew. Then as if remembering she had come with her son, his mom held out her hands to him. 

“Edmundo, come here baby. Come dance with me!” she joyously shouted, the vibrato of her voice traveling all the way to him. 

Eddie met his mom in the middle of other dancing mothers and their sons. Eddie’s mom grabbed both of his hands and began spinning him around. Eddie always became dizzy at such disorienting movements, but he didn’t want his mom to stop dancing with him. 

He closed his eyes against the onslaught of the disco lights and swirling dancing figures. 

His mom slowed down and twirled him around, delighting in the way Eddie laughed. She picked him up, her slight figure slumping down to carry the growing body of a nine year old child. It had been so long since he had been held by his mom. 

He could feel humiliated as the older boys looked at him. They probably thought he was a big baby. But they didn’t know how long it had been, since Eddie felt like he was his mother’s child. 

His mom continued to dance around the room, placing him down onto the hardwood floor. At some point, she discarded her heels somewhere. Eddie would find them for her later. 

His mom’s cheeks were rosy. Her straightened hair curled against her neck where small drops of sweat were gathering to rest on her shoulders. Every time she flung her hair off her neck, the aroma of jasmine and vanilla floated in the space between them. The scent clung to her skin, but not as strongly as the smell of oranges. His mom had peeled an orange for Eddie before they left and it still lingered on her fingers. 

Delicately, Eddie reached up to pull the strap of his mom’s dress further up her shoulder. It had fallen down in her frenzied movements of spinning Eddie around the dance floor. 

His mom jumped in place and clapped her hands enthusiastically as the DJ began playing a familiar song. She moved further from him and Eddie wanted her to come back. 

She went into the middle of the dance floor and began dancing. 

His mom had been a dancer in her youth. His sisters hadn’t taken to dancing yet, but they were attending dance lessons. Eddie had his bets on Adriana being the one to eventually take after their mom. 

The crowd separated, parting its mouth and then absorbing his mom. Eddie grew frightened at how easily she disappeared. He raced to the middle of the dance floor, pushing apart bodies that would not move. 

In the center his mom was dancing freely with reckless abandon. She tilted her head back, catching the lights. She looked ethereal in that moment, a perfect representation of the princesses in Sophia’s “Barbie” movies. 

Eddie had never seen his mom like this. He didn’t know how to reconcile the image of his mom with the woman who was dancing. 

The song came to an end and his mom walked toward him. She bowed a few times as the other moms applauded her dance. Eventually, she came to stand directly in front of Eddie. She held out her hand, the new wedding ring shining brightly on her ring finger. 

His dad had bought it for her birthday. Eddie didn’t see the difference. It looked identical to her old wedding ring. But his mom had happily accepted the gift. He would later learn it was because his mom had lost the ring. It was a replacement not a gift. 

Eddie held out his hand and his mother wrapped her fingers around his. She continued to hold Eddie’s hand as she led them to the food table. 

She loaded up a plate for him to hold, then did the same for herself. She led them to a round table where other mothers and their sons were eating. She sat down, being careful to protect her dress. 

“Here, sit down. I’ll be right back. What do you want to drink? They have water, tea, or lemonade. I think they might have fruit punch?”

“Lemonade,” Eddie answered, swaying into his mom’s affectionate touch as she ruffled his hair. 

He remained silent as he began to eat his food, only looking up when his mom sat back down. They began eating and his mom put her arm over his shoulder. 

During the brief dance break, the other moms began to talk amongst themselves. Eddie perked up to listen, when he realized they were talking about him. 

“He is so pretty. Oh my goodness, the eyelashes on him. You’re going to have to keep the girls away with this one,” one mom said. 

“Handsome,” his mom corrected, but still accepted the compliment on his behalf. “And I know. I claim all the credit for his good genes. Isn’t that right?”

She winked at him, but his mom couldn’t really wink. It looked more like her quickly closing her eyes then opening them again.  

Eddie broadly smiled, cheeks round with the mashed potatoes he ate. 

“Of course. Such a handsome young man. He’s going to grow up to be such a heartbreaker,” another joked. 

“Gosh, I hope not,” his mom chuckled. “Edmundo won’t break any hearts. He’s my sweet baby boy. Aren’t you?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he preened under the compliment. 

“Now, excuse us ladies. My son and I have a few more dances left in us. It was nice meeting y’all. Maybe we’ll see each other around here again.”

His mom wiped at her mouth then did the same for Eddie. She set aside the napkin on her empty plate. 

“It was wonderful meeting you both. My friends and I meet up every second Saturday to have brunch at our country club. Why don’t you leave your number with me? We’d love to invite you,” one mother entertained. 

His mom looked pleased with the invitation, getting out a pen and paper to write down her name and number. One of the ladies took the number and smiled warmly. 

“It was nice to meet you Helena. Enjoy the rest of your night. We’ll call you soon,” she told his mom. 

“I will be looking forward to it,” his mom exclaimed, gathering their plates and cups. 

They stopped to throw their trash away, before heading back to the dance floor. They continued dancing for a while, even staying long enough to participate in the line dances. They only left after the giveaway winners were announced and it went to someone named Paola Cathcart instead of Helena Diaz. 

His mom didn’t look disappointed at the loss. In fact, she looked happy. 

The two of them didn’t immediately go to his mom’s car and head home. Instead they stood outside for a while, still close enough to hear the music the DJ played. 

His mom propped herself up against the brick wall of the rec center, withdrawing a cigarette from her purse. Her lighter sparked life to the cigarette and his mom tossed the pack back into her purse. 

Slowly, she inhaled then exhaled. Eddie’s nose wrinkled at the smell. A sneeze escaped his lips without his permission. 

His mom chuckled and threw the cigarette on the floor, stomping on it with the heel of her shoe. That was a waste of a good cigarette is probably what his dad would say. 

She walked in front of Eddie and knelt down. He wondered why she wasn’t worried she would get her pretty dress ruined. She had been so careful not to get any food on her dress, but here she was sitting on the dirty cement ground. 

“Did you enjoy today?”

“Yes, ma’am. It was very fun. I liked dancing with you.”

“I’m glad you had a good time. I’m sorry. I haven’t taken a lot of time out for you. I’ll do better, okay? You forgive me?”

He didn’t know why she was asking for forgiveness, but Eddie nodded. 

She smiled, cheeks dimpling. She changed from her kneeling position in order to fully sit down, crossing her right leg over the other. She motioned for Eddie to come sit beside her and he did. She pulled him into her arms, running her hands through his hair. 

She kissed the crown of his head and Eddie had enough awareness to not bring attention to the wetness trickling down onto his scalp. His mom sniffled as she continued to pat his back. 

“Edmundo, I want your dreams to be as wide and expansive as this sky. You hear me?”

He was confused by the conversation, but answered his mom. “Yes, ma’am.”

He didn’t mean to sound like he didn’t believe her. 

“No, Edmundo. I’m serious. You see all the stars up there? Even the stars can’t outnumber all of the dreams and hopes I have for you and your sisters.”

Eddie looked up and saw the multitude of stars sprinkled across the endless midnight blue sky. 

His mom twirled a strand of Eddie’s hair between her fingers. “You’re going to live a very wonderful life. Every single dream you have, I am going to make it happen.”

“What if I want to be an astronaut?” Eddie disbelievingly questioned. Surely, his mom couldn’t help him fly to the moon. 

His mom laughed. It sounded raspy and wet. 

“Then I will take you to the NASA Space Center in Houston. My love for all of you has no bounds. The moment I became a mother, I knew I would do everything in my power to make sure you could aspire to be anything you wanted.”

Eddie listened to his mother’s heartbeat. He wished he could tell by the beat of her heart whether she was lying or not. But he had no reason to doubt her. His mom wouldn’t lie to him. She wouldn’t place a table in front of him, full of hopes and dreams, only to starve all of his ambitions. 

“I promise you Edmundo, my firstborn, that I am going to ensure you live a very wonderful life.”

She made that promise to him at nine. 

She broke that promise to him only five days later. 

“Probie, come help me with the hose,” Buck yelled out. 

Ravi rolled his eyes good naturedly. “One day, you will mention me by name.”

“But Probie is such a cute nickname. Isn’t it, Hen?” Buck questioned, hefting the hose over his shoulder. 

“Sure, Buck. Also why is it we get all the weird calls? One day I want the 133 to respond to a man getting stuck in his fish tank. This day has been one strange call after the next,” Hen said as Buck began spraying the house with water. 

“I don’t even know how kids making slime escalated to a fire,” Chimney tilted his head curiously. 

“Apparently, they thought the slime needed to be activated in the oven. It’s some viral tiktok trend. But these bright kids had the idea to place the slime in the microwave on a sheet of foil,” Bobby clarified. 

He sounded as drained as he looked. 

“These tiktok trends are getting out of hand. We may have to do that public service announcement again. It’s a shame Eddie’s not in charge of social media anymore. We could’ve used you as a promotional video for fire safety,” Chimney remarked. 

“Who's to say we still can’t,” Buck cheekily laughed. “I think I might suggest that in our next meeting with the fire chief. Do you think we’ll become famous with that?”

“Oh, with those stunning brown eyes and arm muscles, we’ll have to be swatting away the visitors wanting to come to the 118,” Hen joked. 

“Alright guys let’s pack things up. We got another call,” Bobby interrupted. 

“Please tell me it’s a normal call this time,” Hen cried out. “I need to have my faith in humanity restored.”

“I’m guessing you don’t want to hear that we’re responding to a social media influencer wellness retreat where they locked themselves in a sauna,” Bobby winced. 

“Please, show mercy,” Hen groaned. “I’m about to become an old person and start shaming everyone who uses social media.”

“Who on earth wants to go to a sauna in this heat,” Ravi curiously questioned. “That seems wasteful. It’d be like drinking hot chocolate right now.”

“It’s odd what trends get picked up. Christopher sent me this one tiktok video a while back where someone was frying pickles in brownie batter. Now it's summertime and boredom has hit its peak. Everyone is taking their shot at social media stardom,” Eddie reasoned. “My niece has gotten a decent following with her OOTD posts.”

“Her, what?” Chimney questioned. 

“Forgot you’re not home to a teenager yet,” Bobby said. “It’s outfit of the day.”

“Why does everything need an acronym now? Why can’t things go by what they are?” Chimney critiqued. 

“Says the man named Chimney,” Buck claimed. “I'm still waiting to hear the reason behind it.”

“Same,” Ravi agreed. 

“Why should I give you such private information?” Chimney laughed. “But back to this social media thing. I didn’t even know they sponsored wellness retreats.”

“Guess we’ll see, when we get there,” Bobby noted.

“I hope Catalina Danvers is there,” Ravi wistfully chimed. “If I could get her autograph, I’d be the pride and joy out of all my cousins.”

“I don’t even know who that is,” Hen exclaimed. 

Ravi then went down to explain who Catalina Danvers was and the importance of her family. That topic lasted them all the way to the wellness retreat, which was a few miles outside of Los Angeles in some remote rural town. 

Cabins were lined up like the way they would be if this was a horror film. In the middle of the cabins, lined up to form a square, was a building made to look like a sphere. It was monstrous in size, made of refined glass. Eddie had to close his eyes, in order not to blind himself from the way the sun reflected off of the building. 

An eerie sense of unsettlement, drove into all of their bodies as a lady came running up to them. She looked panic-stricken with her walkie-talkie clutched tightly in her hand. 

“Thank goodness you’re here! I rented out this whole space because it said it had a nice venue. But then we came here to bumfuck nowhere. Look at this! But I couldn’t go back because I had already paid the deposit fee and I thought maybe things would look better on the inside,” the lady breathed out. “What are you waiting around for? Follow me.”

Bobby looked around unimpressed. “We’re waiting for you to show us where to go ma’am.”

The lady’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “Sorry, my bad. My mind is firing off in every direction trying to get them out of the sauna and dealing with angry calls from agents. Speaking of. Hello, this is Sandra.”

She looked back at them, motioning them to follow her hurried steps. 

They were led into the circular building that was even more impressive inside. However, they weren’t there to marvel at the building. They had some social media influencers to save and lo and behold there they were. 

Sandra led them to a sauna, whose doors were tightly shut. “We tried opening it, but the code didn’t work. We tried multiple times then it kind of made this shocking sound and then short circuited.”

“Were you able to see what time some of them passed out from the heat?”

Sandra shook her head. “No, I didn’t. I tried talking to them, but this sauna is sound proof.”

“Okay, everyone we don’t know who all have heat exhaustion. We’re going to be dealing with people who have succumbed to dehydration. Buck and Eddie get the halligan bar. Start trying to open this door. Hen go outside and make sure the other paramedics on scene are led to the right place. Chimney and Ravi try locating any source of water you can. There has to be some. Sandra, if you could help them.”

“Of course.” Sandra readily agreed. 

Everyone went off to do their separate duties, while Buck and Eddie tried to get the sauna door open. By the time the door opened, the amount of steam released was enough to blow Eddie off his feet. 

“Goodness, how hot do you run these things?” Eddie recoiled. 

One influencer came out, shakily leaning onto Bobby. “It was so hot in there man. I thought for sure I was going to die. I told them not to turn up the temperature. But these kids are crazy man. This is why you shouldn’t try hanging out with kids in their 20s, when you’re well into your early 40s. My wife was right. This was a freaking midlife crisis.”

“Whoa, you’re hot. And I mean not temperature speaking hot. But whoa…you should be an influencer or a model,” one woman slurred, held up by Buck’s grasp. Glitter ran down her cheeks and she patted Buck’s cheeks absentmindedly. “I can get you in touch with my agent.”

Buck looked bashful at the compliment. “Thanks, but I’m fine with being a firefighter.”

“Dude, you could totally be a social media firefighter. Thirst-traps could be your thing,” one guy said, perking up from where he was resting on a stretcher. Then he winced, pressing his hands to his head. 

“Try not to move too quickly,” Ravi informed, gently guiding him back into a lying position. 

“Thanks for the compliment, but I’m still fine with my job. Gotta make sure I’m helpful in situations where you need me, right?” he helpfully added, winking at the woman. 

“True. Oh my gosh, it’s so hot. I am never doing anything like this again. I think my tracks melted into my scalp,” the woman moaned, hands reaching up to indeed pull out tracks of hair. She handed them off to Buck who didn’t know what to do with them. 

Eddie kept checking the pupil response of the others who were still slow to verbally respond to their questions. Thankfully, they were all able to quickly administer aid and things weren’t too bad. It would’ve been worse, if they had been kept in here longer or if the temperature was raised even two degrees higher than its setting. 

Bobby motioned to Hen, who arrived with the other paramedics. “Alright, let’s start getting everyone up and loaded. Check who needs immediate attention, we’ll make those a priority.”

“Cap, I might have a reason they got stuck. Erick told me power has been down for the past hour or so,” Hen said, continuing to work on some of the influencers who were still sluggish moving out of the sauna. 

“Guess, we’re in for a wild day,” Ravi proclaimed. 

“Please don’t jinx us…again,” Chimney groaned. 

Eddie still didn’t quite believe in jinxes, but that day it seemed like everyone had their fingers hovering over the 911 button. Literally, as soon as they transported the last influencers to the hospital, they were driving off to the next emergency. 

They briefly got a break for lunch. No one wanted to speak, in fear that the alarm would start up as soon as their forks were brought to their mouths. Eddie chose that time to mindlessly scroll through Instagram, still a little disappointed that Christopher hadn’t re-added him to his close friends’ list. 

He got a text alert from his family’s group chat. It showed a picture of Christopher sitting on the porch with his parents. His mom was grinning brightly at the camera, hands wrapped around a mason jar of sweet tea. Even in the picture it seemed like Christopher had grown in the few weeks he had been in the company of his grandparents. 

He swallowed down a lump of discomfort, recognizing for the first time since he had first left Christopher as a baby, he wasn’t seeing him grow up in those small increments only a parent would notice. He was missing out on the last few months of him being thirteen. It made him sentimental. This was his first year as a teenager and he was missing two months of this monumental age. 

He saw the way his hair had gotten shorter. He wondered if it was his mom’s suggestion. She never believed men should have longer hair. He hoped it was Christopher’s decision. It better have been Christopher’s decision. 

His mom added a message saying that they were having fun outside. It looked reminiscent of the times Eddie and his dad would sit on the porch, sitting in silence for hours until his mom called them inside. 

He liked the image and said it looked like they were having fun. He only hoped they truly were because sometimes sitting on the porch with his dad were his happiest moments. 

Eddie’s dad leaned back in the rocking chair, cigar loosely laid between his fingers. Sunset was making its way over their small neighborhood. The sky was a perfect mirror to the leaves that had turned to the colors of golden yellows and softened reds. The weather was finally cooling down, making it possible to stay outside for longer than an hour. 

His mom and sisters had gone to the mall, picking up a gift for his cousin’s quinceañera that was happening later that evening. Eddie and his dad were saved from the trip, since his dad was waiting for the cake to finish baking. Mia, his cousin, had loved his mom’s midsummer cake and ate three slices of it at Adrianna’s birthday party. She had spent that whole winter talking about it. His mom thought it’d be a nice surprise for her. 

Thankfully, that gave the two of them a perfect excuse to stay home. Eddie was already dressed in his suit, the pants still a little long because his mom kept saying he would grow into them. 

“Are you excited for the eighth grade?” his dad questioned, pulling the cigar closer to his mouth and exhaling slowly. 

“Yes, sir. I have Mrs. Ewers.”

“Good. I’ve heard good things about her. Hopefully, this year you can make some friends in your class, since Samuel is going to be a freshman. Hmm?” 

“Maybe,” Eddie shrugged, kicking at some dirt that had gathered on the base of their porch. “But it’s okay. Samuel said we can still hangout after school.”

His dad sighed, as if Eddie had said something wrong. He didn’t know why his dad didn’t like Samuel so much. But every time the two of them were together playing outside, he could see his dad head out to the porch or sit in front of the window, curtains drawn back, in order to watch the two children play. 

Eddie thought it was simply a thing parents did, but his dad never stayed outside to watch Sophia and Adriana play with their friends. 

“You need more friends your age, Edmundo. What’s going to happen when Samuel realizes he doesn’t want to be friends with someone in middle school? Besides, don't you want more friends? You can’t keep hanging out with one friend. It isn't healthy," his dad instructed, mouth drawn in a tense line. 

Eddie didn’t say anything. He didn’t know whether his dad wanted him to say something in response. Before he could come up with anything, his dad continued speaking. 

“And soon Sophia and Adriana won’t want you hanging out with them and their friends. You’re getting to the age where it isn’t right for you to be playing dolls with them anymore. Let that foolishness carry on for as long as I could. But enough is enough.”

Sophia didn't like playing dolls as much, thinking she was too grown-up to do so. But Adriana was still young enough to where she wanted her older siblings to play with her. And Sophia and Eddie could never resist the requests of their baby sister to play make-believe with her dolls. 

But if his dad said it was time to stop playing with them, then he had to be right. His dad hadn’t steered him wrong yet. 

“I guess,” Eddie commented, not fully agreeing with his dad. 

“It’s time you start being independent and make your own friends. Samuel is only your friend because your mom and Georgia set up those playdates.”

He said the word playdates with derision. 

Eddie wanted to say that was fine. He’s glad their moms let them play together. Now he had a friend. 

“I can try.”

“That’s all I want you to do."

The sun continued its descent, casting shadows over the grass. The street lamps began to turn on. Cicadas and grasshoppers began their nightly symphony. Eddie tilted his head back, content to bask in the stillness of this moment. 

“Edmundo,” his dad interrupted the serenity of silence. 

“Yes, sir.”

“I’m going out of town for work next week. It’s in Arizona. I’ll be gone longer this time. While I’m away I want you to mind the house. Make sure your mom and sisters are taken care of,” his dad instructed

“Yes, sir.”

“Edmundo, look at me when I’m talking to you,” his dad strictly commanded. 

“Yes, sir,” Eddie obeyed. He kept his eyes on his dad and leaned his elbows on knobby knees. “I’ll take care of everything.”

“Good, because you’re going to have to be the protector and provider, while I am away. You know what that means, right?”

Eddie shook his head confusedly. 

“It means that you’re going to have to step up. At night, check to make sure all doors are locked. Don’t want anyone thinking they can come into the house freely. Make sure your mom knows to come home.”

He didn’t know why he had to make sure his mom was home. She was an adult. She could do whatever she wanted. At least that’s what he heard at night, separated by thin walls that didn’t conceal the booming voices of adults who didn’t know how to hide their anger. 

“You’re going to be the man of the house. Is that something you can do?”

He agreed, though he didn’t know what he was agreeing to. However, his dad smiled at him. His eyes twinkled with love. And for the first time, he felt like he had his dad’s favor. All of it was focused on him. 

His dad tipped his cup, full of liquid the color of honey used to drizzle over Sunday morning biscuits. He held the cup out toward Eddie, giving him permission to accept the gift.   

He held it in his hands, moving awkwardly due to the splint on his index and forefinger. His dad said it would heal just fine, when his mom argued they should go to the hospital. It wasn’t enough of an emergency for a medical bill. 

It didn’t hurt as much as the day his dad had accidentally jammed his fingers in the car door because Eddie had taken too long trying to help buckle Adriana into her car-seat. There was only a faint throbbing sensation whenever he moved his hands. 

His index and forefinger nail had become an array of purple and blue. His index nail had even broken in half. Sophia cried the whole car ride home, when she saw the blood seeping from the flesh of his nail bed and the broken nail. 

He told her he would be fine. He didn’t want to worry his sister. It wasn’t all that bad. His mom fed him Jell-O because she read an article where it was written that gelatin from Jell-O could promote good nail health. He hoped it would work. It’d be bad to start the first day of school with bruised nails. 

He begged his hands not to shake as he took the glass cup from his dad. He held it with two hands because he didn’t trust himself not to drop it. 

Eddie took a giant sip, mirroring the way his dad drank. 

“This is a man’s drink. Might as well get used to it,” his dad laughingly commended, when Eddie coughed at the burning sensation. 

He pushed it back to his dad, laughing as well. Their laughter mixed in with the cicadas clicking chirps. He wondered if even the birds in the sky would join in on the laughter. 

“Don’t tell your mom,” his dad winked, mouth curling around a smile. 

Eddie smiled back, happy to be doing the same thing his dad was. He saw him as a man. And at thirteen years old, according to Eddie Diaz, that’s the only way he could garner his father’s approval and pride. 

He stopped reflecting on those memories as he heard the alarm blare. He looked up to see everyone hurriedly throw away their trash. Quickly, everyone got into their turnout gear, heading to the next emergency. 

When they pulled into the scene, they could see a huge house fire. The house was massive, one of those Beverly Hills type homes. There were other homes on the block that were on fire. There had been a gas leak and it had escalated to a fire. Other stations were just rolling in, when they parked their truck. 

Chimney whistled, hopping out the truck. “I feel like I should’ve started a bingo sheet, when today started. I wonder how many emergencies I would have been able to cross off.”

Bobby was quick to direct them where they needed to go, after corresponding with the other captains. The first thing they made sure to do was check to see if anybody was trapped in any of the houses. Thankfully, most residents had safely made it out. 

Though it seemed others weren’t as happy that some people made it out safely.

“This is your fault, Edward!”

“Oh, yes please blame the gas leak and fire on me! Next thing you know, you’re going to say the blackout was my fault too,” the man, they could only observe as the person named Edward, yelled back. 

“I’m not saying that.”

“But you’re thinking about it. Maybe you need to stop being a pessimist. Can you even focus on the fact that we made it out of the house alive, relatively unscathed. And also thanks for the concern, when I tripped and nearly sprained my ankle.”

“Did you die though?” the woman mocked. 

“I swear you’re impossible.”

“And you’re an asshole. Though it isn’t surprising. My father’s an asshole. Only seemed wise to get married to an even bigger asshole. Generational curse is still thriving. Guess my competitive nature had to get the better of me.”

“Oh, screw you Megan! You only got married to me because of my health insurance benefits.”

“Screw you too! My dad has more money than you’ll ever see in your entire lifetime.”

“Your dad should be in jail for embezzlement,” Edward shouted. “Bela, Wren come on girls. Let's get in the car. We’re going to grandma’s today.”

“And why do you get to choose where we’re going? Your mom hates me,” Megan groaned. 

“With reason,” Edward said as an aside. 

“Say it louder.”

“With reason!”

“Girls, come on. We’re driving momma’s car.”

“No, we’re driving mine. You don’t even have anywhere to go. Plus I have my keys. You don’t.”

“Are you punishing me for not grabbing my keys on the way out? Sorry I was trying to make sure our children were my main priority.”

“Maybe we ought not do this in the company of your children,” Hen said, guiding the two kids who were looking between their parents. 

“Hey, don’t you want to come with momma? We can drive in my car.”

“I want to stay with daddy,” one of their daughters said, latching onto the younger of the two. The younger agreed with her sister. 

“Great, make me into the villain again. Wonderful parenting decision.”

Eddie and Chimney were trying not to eavesdrop as they checked people out, who were being sent their way. Some had more injuries than others, but none were serious to the point that needed an overnight stay in the hospital. Most of them would need to be checked for smoke inhalation though. 

Hen led the small family of four away, who were still arguing. 

“Aww, I wanted to see how everything was going to work out. I haven’t gotten my daily dose of reality television,” Chimney sighed, checking the pupils of one person. 

“It’s not entertaining, when kids are involved in their parents' mess,” Eddie said, packing up his med-kit. 

Chimney shrugged. “True. Let’s hope those parents figure that out too, before they do any more damage to their kids. Promise you, therapists these days are going to need to up their rates.”

“House 204 is clear. Fire has been extinguished,” Ravi said over the radio. “Buck and I are doing the final sweep now.”

Finally, they were able to wrap up everything. And it was only befitting that it was their last call of the day. By then, Eddie could barely keep his eyes open. 

It was indeed one of the longest 24 hour shifts they have had in a quick minute. With power out for most parts of the day, emergency services had been on high alert. Some calls they went out to were trivial, the others lingered a bit more on their mind even as they took off their turnout gear. 

In the later part of summer, temperatures were at its peak. Eddie started to wonder whether this July would be recognized as one of the hottest months recorded in Los Angeles’ history. It certainly felt like it.

Sweat clung to Eddie’s body and it cooled in a sticky manner that left Eddie feeling more grimy than he looked. 

Tiredness seeped into Eddie’s bones. Time began to blur together, after the twelfth hour. Most of the 118 were ready for this shift to end as soon as their truck turned into the station. Not a lot of words were shared, all of them too exhausted to speak. 

Bobby told them to make sure they made it home safely. But before they all left, he reminded them that they had the benefit banquet to attend tomorrow…well tonight. It was met with groans. However, it was a previous commitment they made. So they all knew they had to go. 

Everyone sleepily said they’d see each other later and began to head home. 

Buck offered to drive Eddie home, but Eddie said it was fine. After this long day, he knew everyone wanted the comfort of their bed. Plus Buck always had a stiff back, from sleeping on Eddie’s couch, though he never complained. 

“No, Buck. It’s fine. But thanks for offering. You have a goodnight,” Eddie kindly stated. 

Buck looked at him, stepping out of the way as Ravi came into their vicinity. They briefly told Ravi to make it home safely. Then Buck turned back to Eddie. 

“Alright, get home safely. I’m going to sleep for a good ten hours, before I even feel slightly rested,” Buck waved off. 

The two went their separate ways, only waving back at one another as drove out of the parking lot. 

When Eddie arrived home, he quickly showered. Then he made a quick sandwich and ate a piece of pie, he had been testing out a new recipe on. He was so sleep deprived that he didn’t even know he had fallen asleep, until he heard his phone go off. 

After 24 hour shifts, he kept his phone on DND. The only exceptions were his favorites' lists which included: Christopher, abuela, Pepa, and Buck. And if anyone ever needed to get to him, but couldn’t he knew they would contact Buck. Buck never left his phone on DND. And then Buck would call him. It was a system that worked and it worked well. 

So his sense of urgency peaked because for someone to call this late meant something was wrong. The sense of urgency increased, when he looked down at his phone and saw it was Christopher calling. It was already 1:00 a.m. their time, so it meant Christopher was calling at 3:00 a.m. 

Christopher never stayed up that late. Even when he was playing video games, his body-clock had him in bed by eleven. He didn’t inherit the night owl gene from Shannon. 

Immediately, he answered the phone call. He didn’t want Christopher thinking there was a single moment of hesitance where he was concerned. 

“Hey, Christopher,” he said, but was met with silence. 

For a moment, he wondered if Christopher had misdialed. Maybe he meant to call someone else. But he could hear Christopher’s stuttered breathing. And he knew what his son was going through. Despite Christopher still not wanting to talk to him, he knew that he could always rely on his dad to provide comfort. 

Eddie swallowed back the emotion that threatened to overtake him. His son needed his father and he couldn’t be there for him. 

“Hey, buddy. Did you have a nightmare?” Eddie began. 

Silence. 

It was deserved. 

Eddie decided to go in a different direction, while still being mindful of why Christopher called. 

“It’s night time in Texas, isn’t it? The time change must’ve made it especially hard. And I know it’s been an adjustment in every way. But I am proud of you for knowing what’s best for you. I don’t think I ever told you that.”

His hand tightened around his phone, pressing it further against his cheek—like somehow the phone was a transportation device to where he could comfort his son in person. 

“Do I wish you were here with me, where I could hug you and ward off any bad dreams you had? Yes. And I hate that my actions brought up sad memories about your mom, right?”

Christopher’s quiet sniffle was the only answer he needed. Eddie rubbed his hands over his face.  Again he was regretting how far he allowed his desperation to cling onto normality, affect him and his son. 

“I am so sorry for that Christopher. I wish I knew all the ways to ease this pain you’re feeling. I thought I was seeking closure for myself and I destroyed any sense of closure you had already received and worked through. It was selfish of me.”

He could hear Christopher slowly hum in the back of his throat, agreeing to Eddie’s statement. 

“There will never be another person that is your mom. No one can step into that position because it is solely hers. The time she spent with us was ours alone. She belonged to us and she always will. Your mom loved you so much Christopher,” he hoarsely choked. 

Hot tears stung the back of his eyes. Eddie heard Christopher crying, but it sounded muffled—almost like he was trying to hide his sadness from Eddie. 

“I thought you needed the love that a mother offered. And I saw her…and I messed up. For a second I thought this was a blessing—that we were given more time somehow. But you’re far smarter than me, kid.”

He laughed, pressing the heel of his hand to his eyes. He needed to alleviate the pressure there. 

“Shannon was your mom and she’s no longer here. But it’s okay, you know. Because even though your mom had to leave us early in this life, every bit of love she ever had was extended into your heart to last you many lifetimes,” Eddie soothed. 

He stopped to calm the tremble in his voice, before continuing. 

“Christopher, you are an extension of all your mother’s hopes, dreams, and desires. You are the embodiment of all the love your mom and I have within our hearts. I love you so much, mijo . I can’t even quantify how much I love you. There aren’t enough words in the dictionary to define the love I have for you.”

Eddie didn’t know if this was everything Christopher needed to hear. But he hadn’t hung up yet. Eddie took it as permission to continue. 

“You are my heart living outside my chest. However, long you decide to stay with your grandparents is your choice. Just keep protecting my heart. ‘Cause I can’t live without it, okay?” 

He stopped talking for a few minutes, wondering if he had said the right words to calm whatever nightmares were tormenting Christopher’s mind. 

The other end of the phone grew silent. Eddie knew that he had hung up the phone. 

“Goodnight, Christopher,” he breathed, placing the phone face down on his lap. 

He only wished that he knew if he had helped. Usually, he would stick around and wait until Christopher’s breaths evened out and he fell back into a peaceful slumber. He didn’t have that chance anymore. Instead he had to text his mom and tell her to check on Christopher. 

He only calmed down, when she assured him he was sleeping soundly. He wished sleep offered the same solitude that it offered his son. It seemed that if Shannon couldn’t linger in the dreams of one Diaz, she had the prime opportunity to haunt the other. 

Eddie closed his eyes and welcomed the nightmare. 

He deserved it. 

He woke up the next morning, completely sluggish. His sleep hadn’t been good and he had almost slept the entire day away. By the time he woke up, he didn’t even have enough time to hurry and get dressed. The banquet was being held at a venue that was an hour away without traffic. 

Eddie would be cutting it close. 

Eddie rushed through getting ready. He was bitter that they had to do this on their day off. But it had been on all of their calendars for months. 

When he arrived at the banquet hall, it appeared that most of the 118 were still trying to shake off the last vestiges of sleep. The only one who looked vaguely interested was Ravi and that’s because free food was on the menu. 

They all sat at a round table, covered with a silk tablecloth and an exorbitant centerpiece. They didn’t spare any expense on this benefit banquet. 

It wasn’t a benefit they normally attended, but their chief wanted their station to be represented specifically. And what the chief wanted, the chief got. Usually, the 133 fulfilled this duty. But for whatever reason they were unable to do so this year. 

The benefit banquet advocated for community well-being and health. It had an array of people from different career fields such as: first responders, educators, athletes, entertainers, etc. Eddie saw one of his boxing heroes, but wasn’t sure it was him. He caught a glimpse of his side profile and wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to ask for an autograph in this setting. 

He resolved to enjoy the night of free food and drinks. He did wish; however, that the event was casual. He forgot how scratchy his suit was because he hadn’t worn it in a while. It was a mystery why he hadn’t donated it yet. He made a note on his phone to do so later. 

“Why are there so many speakers?” Buck whispered, his breath ghosting against Eddie’s neck. 

Eddie tried not to shiver as the wisp of air made him feel ticklish. “I don’t know. I haven’t looked at the program. I’m hoping this goes by fast. They’ve brought out desert. Maybe that means we’re finally about to reach the last guest speaker, or main speaker of the night.”

The host got up and began talking. “Now without further adieu I would like to introduce the man who doesn’t need any introduction. His accomplishments alone speak for himself.”

Eddie’s mind blanked as the host went over the long list of accomplishments. His mind emptied and his body felt rigid as the screen behind the host started a slideshow of all the person’s accomplishments. And in one of them, it showed their face. 

Eddie didn’t need a formal introduction, in order to know the name of the speaker. He knew those dark green eyes, the color of green tourmaline. He had endlessly stared into those eyes, seeing the green darken with apprehension and lighten with joy. 

His hair had grown longer, no longer cut short in the military standard. The sandy brown curls now fell a little below his chin. 

He had grown taller, rivaling Mr. Williamson in height. He still had the same scar he had on his chin, from the time Eddie accidentally bumped his head into his chin. It required five stitches. Samuel laughed it off. Eddie cried for days, always imagining blood dripping down his chin. He didn’t feel forgiven, until Samuel said the accident landed him ice cream for weeks. 

One of the screens focused on his face, zooming in on his appearance. He smiled at the crowd and Eddie saw one of his incisors was slightly chipped. All that work the orthodontists did and his teeth still were not perfect. He wondered what happened. 

He placed his hands under his thighs, pressing down on them. He needed to stop the instinct to reach out and see if the image in front of  him was real. He never sought to know more about Samuel or how he ended up. He had only met up with him, one time, when they were in the army. He didn’t like to hear about that time. He packaged it away in his mind, longing for it to be forgotten. 

He dreaded hearing that he hadn’t made it back from war or that he was living a wonderful life with Esmeralda in the white picket fence the Williamsons made for them. 

He would walk away, when his mom would talk about Mrs. Williamson’s facebook update about the wonderful life Samuel was living. He didn’t want to know anything. He didn’t deserve to know anything. 

“Thank you, Dr. Berta for that wonderful introduction. I feel more honored than I possibly should,” Samuel laughed. “It is a privilege to be in the company of individuals such as yourselves.”

He spoke and he sounded the same. Despite all the physical changes, Samuel still sounded like the boy who convinced him to sneak out of the house. No, this couldn’t be that same Samuel. 

Unfortunately, it was and Eddie had a hard time accepting the fact. 

“Eddie, what’s wrong?” Buck imploringly exclaimed, reaching out his hand to rest on his knee. 

Eddie couldn’t even mind the concern. This couldn’t be happening right now. This was not real life. He should get up and excuse himself to go to the restroom. He could try to gather himself, eradicating any trill of panic that would tighten its grasp on his throat. 

Eddie didn’t want to hear the rest of the speech. He didn’t want to hear the lilt of a southern drawl in that deep voice.

Walls closed in on him.

His gaze never wavered, fearful that if he moved his eyes away for the swiftest of seconds, this would only be a dream. 

His body fell away from himself as Samuel began discussing the charity he was highlighting. He talked about the charity which sought to help veterans acclimate back into society. Eddie heard him go over the mission statement of his non-profit organization.  

“Veterans shouldn’t have to stress over lack of employment opportunities. In addition when they return home, they should receive medical assistance in every facet. A lot of veterans come home, without being able to keep up with their health needs. There aren’t even a lot of resources to help with the mental health epidemic that they face.”

Samuel paused for a moment.

“Before I was discharged, I had a mental breakdown. My body was torn apart. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt hopeless. I was severely hurt. Didn’t know whether my parents would be receiving a visit back home, from strangers they didn’t know. Some part of me was ready to let go. I was so angry. Every tour I went on, I became more and more mentally, physically, and emotionally unwell.”

Samuel cleared his throat, mic easily picking up on the noise.

“I would come home to my family excitedly, who welcomed me with tears and hugs. And every time, I’d trick myself into thinking I was happy. I would happily settle back in those rare days with my family, before I had to ship out again. My family said I was serving my country well and their joy made me feel like it was all worth it,” Samuel looked back as a picture of his family and him were put onto the next slide. 

“Then I was back on base and that joy started slowly slipping away.  I tried to hold things together, because in those situations you can’t fall apart. But on one of my tours, my poorly constructed defense barriers came crashing down. The physical protections my body gave me fell apart.”

Eddie’s heart narrowly gave up at that moment. He knew exactly the moment he was talking about. But he had buried it so deeply inside of his mind, he forgot how closely entwined his and Samuel’s stories were. It seemed as though Samuel wanted to reclaim another part of Eddie. Eddie needed to throw up. Acid burned in the back of his throat and stuck like salt on his tongue. This story had no business being talked about in a speech given to hundreds of people. But here Samuel was recounting one of the worst days of Eddie’s life. 

He hated him for it. He wanted to get up and scream, “Haven’t I given you enough?”

Yet his lips stayed pursed together. He blinked slowly, the world slipping away as Samuel continued speaking. 

“There was one mission that I can’t even recollect what went wrong. I only woke up to nurses hurriedly rushing over me, using terminology I never grasped the meaning behind. I think I went in and out of consciousness a few times, before I fully became cognizant of what was happening. And that’s when I saw him.”

Samuel smirked. “I didn’t know what I did to deserve it, seeing him once more before I died. But I was so thankful. I was about to die peacefully, knowing I could say goodbye to the person I loved the most. My best friend.”

Loved.  

The word settled oddly in Eddie’s ear. Is that what he felt? The word entered his ear like a buzzing gnat. 

Buck frowned at him as Eddie slapped at his ear. 

The buzzing continued. 

“I grew up in a small El Paso neighborhood. And I was lucky enough to meet the one person who shined the brightest amongst everyone in that small community. I’m serious. You ever met my friend, you’d know. He was the kindest boy I’d ever met. His mom and my mom were neighborhood friends. Close enough to have each other's kids over for dinner. And I knew the day we met that I had found a good friend.”

Eddie thanked everything that was good he hadn’t put a picture of them up on the slideshow. Imagine how incredibly damning that would have been. 

“I left my friend to go to the army and regretted it as soon as I got on that bus taking me to boot-camp. All I wanted was to spend another summer with my friend. He kept all the bad feelings at bay and I wanted to cling onto that happiness for a little while longer. It was selfish of me. I knew it and he knew it too.”

Samuel smirked, basking in the full attention of the audience. The silence was overbearing. During the other speakers' speeches, Eddie could still hear whispered chatter. But now the audience choose to be completely silent?

“I developed friendships with the people I served with, yet I always longed to go back to the time I’d hangout all day with my friend. And suddenly one day there he was, standing over me."

He placed his hand over Buck’s hand, which was still settled on his knee. He grasped it tightly and he could hear Buck’s knuckles pop, but Buck never removed his hand from Eddie’s. 

“He stitched me back together. My best friend came to save my life. It felt undeserved. Most people would be grateful to see a dear friend. But I was so broken by everything that had happened to me I lashed out and I said some unforgiveable things to him. I hurt him in worse ways than what landed me in that hospital bed.” 

Samuel looked down, knuckles turning white from how tightly he was holding the podium. 

“And he didn’t care. He stayed with me and made sure that when I made it out of that warzone, I knew I had resources to get better.”

The world fell away from him as Eddie was transported back to that small hospital with dim lighting and hot air that barely filtered out the small particles of dust and sand. 

Eddie’s breath caught in his throat, fingers losing their grip on the bottle of morphine in his hands. It couldn’t be him, laid in that bed, body thrashing against the efforts of the nurses. Cries echoed in the room. His head whipped back and forth. 

Eddie ran to him, ignoring the confusion in the other nurses’ faces. 

“It’s okay. I got him. I got him,” Eddie said, brushing off their help. 

Samuel’s eyes were hazy with fever. He wasn’t alert enough to remember his own name. Every time Eddie checked his pupils they were blown wide. Later that day, the doctor had to put him in a medically induced coma due to all the swelling in Samuel’s brain. He wasn't making enough progress and they were concerned. 

Knowing that Samuel was in the same area he was in for the first time in what felt like forever, Eddie continued to watch over him, in between monitoring his different patients. He continued to go over Samuel’s chart and monitor his vitals, assuring the medic in charge he would handle Samuel's nighttime care. 

His stitches had come undone and Eddie carefully redid them. He had steady hands as he passed the needle through skin. Though he knew Samuel wouldn’t wake anytime soon, he wanted Samuel to subconsciously feel that someone who cared was watching over him. 

There was a point where Samuel’s fever had spiked. Eddie was scared somebody was going to have to make a call home. Thankfully, he made it through the night. It took a few days for Samuel’s fever to go down completely. Once it did, Samuel’s main doctor began discussing waking him up from the coma. 

It took three more days for Samuel to get up and breathe on his own. It was five days later, when he became awake enough to not view Eddie as some premonition. In all of it, Eddie stayed by his side. 

Samuel turned watery eyes toward Eddie who was re-administering his IV drip. 

“Eddie,” Samuel rasped as though this image before him was an illusion. “Eddie?”

Eddie finished what he was doing and sat in the chair beside Samuel’s bed. “It’s me, Samuel. Got yourself into a bit of a rough shape, huh? Thought I told you to remain healthy and come back safe?”

“I tried,” Samuel weakly voiced, chapped lips smacking against one another. “Wanted to come home to you.”

Eddie leant over his body, to grab a cup of water and ice. With the ice he ran it gently over his lips, being cautious not to press too firmly against the cuts there. He let Samuel take small sips of water, even when Samuel brought his hands to Eddie’s wrist in hopes of drinking faster.

“Easy. Don’t want to drink too fast and choke,” Eddie said, tilting the top of the styrofoam cup to his lips. “There, easy and slow sips. That’s good.”

“I missed you,” Samuel admitted, leaning back against his pillow. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too.”

Eddie could see how tired Samuel still felt. He ran his hands over the strands of hair, still caked with mud and blood. 

Samuel swallowed with difficulty, the process made easier with water. “I’m not dead?”

Eddie rapidly blinked his eyes and bit at the inside of his cheek to stop a cry from being released. 

“No, you’re not. Just a little worse for wear right now. But we’re going to get you all healed up in no time.”

“Then am I dreaming?” Samuel said, mouth trembling. 

“No, you’re not.”

“Doesn’t make sense,” Samuel cried, the red still not receding from his eyes and only becoming worse. 

“What doesn’t make sense?” Eddie questioned, wetting a rag and wiping away the sweat at his brow. Eddie ran the rag over freckles that were scattered across his nose, the sun having shown incredible favor toward Samuel. 

He saw the minute ways in which Samuel had changed. The freckles were certainly an endearing change. 

“It doesn’t make sense that you’re here. I only see you when I’m dreaming or I’m knocking at death’s door. So it has to be…has to be…one or the other,” Samuel trailed off. 

“I’m here. See feel my heart,” Eddie instructed. He pulled Samuel’s bruised hand and placed it over his heart. 

“How…how are you here?” Samuel mumbled, eyes drawn to where they were planted over Eddie’s heart. 

“Heard you all were down a medic and were hit pretty bad. My Lieutenant said help was needed and asked if anyone would be able to lend their services, until the worst of your people were healed up and ready to be sent home. Though it was a surprise to see you here.”

“I never wanted you here,” Samuel cried. His eyelashes were weighed down by tears. 

“I know. I never wanted you here either,” Eddie admitted, withdrawing his hand from atop of Samuel’s in order to brush back a curl from Samuel’s forehead. 

Samuel began to cry at that, shoulders shaking with enough force to rattle everything inside that was slowly on the mend to becoming better. He turned away, not wanting Eddie to see him cry. 

“Samuel,” Eddie whispered.

“Why is this so hard? I was supposed to get fixed here and now you’re here. Am I being tempted? Is this a test?”

“Samuel,” Eddie began. 

“I told my dad this would work. It has to, but you’re here. The world is still continuing on and you look the same as the day I left you. And it’s still not fair.”

Samuel turned back over to face Eddie. He shakily reached his arms up. Eddie leant down, face held between unsteady hands. 

“Please,” Samuel whispered. “This has to be a dream.”

Though his grasp was weak, it felt he gathered all the strength needed to pull Eddie lower to him, til they were a hair width apart. His breaths pushed against Eddie’s lips— the teasing hint of a kiss. Eddie swayed closer, before abruptly pulling away.  

“Samuel,” Eddie said, drawing back. “You have Esmeralda to think about, yeah? The beautiful girlfriend that you love. And I have a wife and kid at home.”

Samuel vigorously shook his head and Eddie told him to stay still. He was healing from a head injury. 

“They won’t know. Please, Eddie. This isn’t real. It’s not real. It can be a dream this time. I won’t tell anybody. Please, please.” 

He drew Eddie closer, lips pressing against his jaw. 

“Please, Eddie,” Samuel pleaded, weak hands traveling over any part of Eddie’s body he could touch. His hands traveled to his neck, the only bit of skin that was visible. 

“Samuel, stop.”

Samuel shook his head, teeth caught between chapped lips. “I can’t let you go this time, cowboy. I can’t…I let you go and you’ll disappear again.”

Eddie hated to push him away. But he had to. He had finally built the family he needed. He couldn't jeopardize that for someone who had chosen to leave him behind. 

“It doesn’t have to be real,” Samuel brokenly begged, tightly clutching at Eddie. Eddie was pulled into the hold of his own volition because Samuel wasn’t strong enough to make Eddie come to him. Samuel had always had a body that commanded strength. Though he was frail and sensitive right now. 

Eddie was afraid he would break him. 

Samuel cried into his shoulder, heartbreaking sobs that sounded like clay breaking. Eddie ran his fingers through the curls of his hair, not minding how oily it felt from not being washed in weeks. 

“Samuel…”

“Don’t. Please just let me hold you for a second longer,” Samuel voiced. “Just a little longer. Let me have you like this, please. Please Eddie.”

Eddie sat down on the bed, near Samuel’s waist. Samuel was his last patient for the night, so he didn’t have to leave. But he didn’t know when the other medic would come in to check on Samuel for the night and reassess his dressings. 

Damp lips pressed against his neck and Eddie shuddered at its fiery touch. He pulled away, intently observing Samuel. 

He shook his head, wiping away Samuel's tears. 

“I can’t have you like this right now? Can I, cowboy?”

You can’t have me at all, Eddie wanted to say. But Samuel looked with abject misery at Eddie’s refusal. He couldn’t dig another wound into his body. 

Samuel’s gaze hardened. “Okay, you’re right. You’re right.”

Samuel’s eyes shuttered close and he withdrew himself from Eddie’s arms. 

“Get some rest Samuel. I’ll come by to check in on you later,” Eddie soothed with one last affectionate caress on the cheek. 

“Okay,” Samuel said, rolling over and forcing his eyes closed. 

Eddie left, with one last look back. Eddie sighed and closed the door behind him. Eddie went to have a quick dinner, then check in with Col. Powell, before completing the rest of his night duties.

Eddie came back the next four days, but every time he came into Samuel’s room he was asleep. 

He knew Samuel enough to know he was pretending to sleep. Samuel must’ve known he would be aware Eddie had caught on to his façade. But neither of them mentioned it. Eddie was content to watch over him as he clenched his eyes tightly and held his body in a tight curled position. 

Each time Eddie left, he could hear Samuel turn around in his bed. He wanted Eddie to know it was only his presence he was avoiding. 

Eddie didn’t care. Samuel was alive. That was all that mattered. 

Eddie came back one night, before he was scheduled to return to his base, when he was met with a nurse running to him. 

She pulled him along to Samuel’s room and Eddie felt a sense of panic overtake his body. He knew people could take a sudden turn for the worse, but that wouldn’t happen to Samuel. 

It couldn’t happen to Samuel.  

He had looked fine yesterday…tired but on the way to a healthy recovery. 

“What’s wrong?” he questioned, hoping for more information while he was led to Samuel’s room. 

“I don’t know. Williamson woke up and asked for more morphine, but we can’t give him more than his required amount. He nearly tore the head off of one of the nurses. Scared him to death.”

“Okay, I’ll go check on him."

As soon as he got close, Samuel started screaming at him and throwing anything in his vicinity toward his direction. The nurses all looked at Eddie, waiting for his instruction on what to do. Eddie waved them out of the room. He didn’t want them to see Samuel like this. He wanted to protect him in the only way he could right now. 

“Close the door, Hanna,” Eddie said, to the nurse who had led him to Samuel’s room. 

“But-” she looked wearingly between the two. 

“It’s okay. I’ll come out, once I’ve calmed him down. It’s okay. Go check on Fera for me.”

She nodded her head, closing the door behind her. Once everyone was gone and it was just the two of them in the room, Eddie sat down in the chair. Eddie leant forward, grabbing Samuel’s eyes to check his pupil's response. He was just pulling away, when he felt a pair of hands wrap around his neck. 

“You aren’t supposed to be here,” Samuel shouted. “I don’t want you here.”

Samuel wrapped his hand around his throat, fingernails sharply digging into flesh. Eddie’s skin became red under the pressure, small beads of red dirtying hands that were already soiled. He didn’t try to push him back, only allowing himself to reach out to lay his hands over Samuel’s shoulder. 

Anyone walking in would assume the two were hugging. 

With a raspy voice, Eddie told Samuel, “It’s okay Samuel. I’m going to make everything feel better.”

The hold loosened. Samuel’s green eyes became swollen with tears. 

“How,” Samuel howled, brokenly. “You can’t. You can’t make things better. You just make everything worse. You ruin everything. You ruined me. Look at me…look at this mess you created!” 

Samuel shook Eddie by his shoulders. “You made everything inside of me rot…like you were some infectious poison. If this war doesn’t kill me, you will. Why’d you have to come back? Why’d you have to come here?”

Eddie’s eyes stung, but he kept checking over Samuel’s body, checking if he had pulled any of his stitches again. 

“Go away, just go away,” Samuel sobbed. “Stop touching me. You’re hurting me.”

He started to hit himself, the thud of his fists bounced off his body. Eddie grabbed his hands and stopped him. He couldn’t risk further damaging his bruised chest.

“I’m sorry, Samuel. I’m so sorry.”

Eddie didn’t know what he was apologizing for. But he knew he had done something wrong. He had done something to make Samuel respond this way. Maybe he should have tried harder to talk to him, even when he knew Samuel was pretending to be asleep. 

He had brought the business card for the VA Health and Mental Health Center in El Paso. He meant to give it to him earlier, but it had never seemed like the right time. But Eddie was leaving now and he needed to make sure Samuel had access to help, when he completed his service. 

He handed it to Samuel who took it and sneered. Samuel thought he was mocking him for his current state. But Eddie wasn’t. He only wanted him to have all the right resources available to him to make sure he would be able to get help dealing with this trauma. 

“I’m not like you…ain’t nothing wrong with my mind cowboy. Something’s wrong with yours…always…always confusing me,” he slurred, throwing away the card. 

“Samuel,” Eddie started. He crawled under the bed to where the card had fallen. 

He was thankful Samuel hadn’t ripped the business card. 

He stood up and set the card back into his pocket. Eddie went to the table where the nurse had left more bandages. Samuel clocked Eddie’s actions and reached out, throwing the medical supplies on the floor. 

“Samuel!”

“Stop it, you’re trying to poison me! Get out!” Samuel screeched, veins popping in his throat. 

Eddie worried that something would burst. 

“Stop yelling at me!” Eddie yelled back. 

He shouldn’t have risen to Samuel’s anger, but he was tired. He was tired of taking everything all at once and not acting like he wasn't hurting.

Samuel snarled at him, lips pulling back as far as they could go. 

“Your dad was right about you,” Samuel laughed. “He was so right. Everything he ever said about you was true. I should’ve taken it as the warning it was, but I didn’t.”

Eddie stopped. 

“What…when did you speak to my dad?”

“Boy, you don’t know a thing do you?” Samuel darkly laughed. “Your innocence would be cute, if it weren’t so sad.”

Eddie moved further into Samuel’s space. He would later lose his lunch over the way he tightened his hands in Samuel’s hospital gown, pulling Samuel’s body inches up from his hospital bed. He’d taste the guilt of it for years. 

“You don’t know how much your dad hates you, do you?” Samuel gently spoke, sounding faintly condescending. 

Eddie released his hands from Samuel’s hospital gown, Samuel dropping back to the bed with a quiet oof. 

“My dad doesn’t…he doesn’t hate me. You’re being mean right now because you’re hurt.”

“And you’re being ignorant because you always wanted to be the apple of your parents’ eyes,” Samuel said despondently. “Have your parents written to you once, since you’ve enlisted?”

Eddie remained silent. 

“That’s because they don’t care. They don’t care about you, Eddie. Never have and never will.”

“What did my dad tell you?”

Samuel shrugged. 

“Samuel.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Now, it doesn’t matter? You brought it up, so say something.”

Samuel turned away from him, his own tears now falling from his eyes. Eddie hated the instinctual way he reached out to wipe away his tears, before dropping his hand. 

“Go away, Eddie,” Samuel tiredly demanded. “Just go away.”

“Why? Why have you been pretending to be asleep, when I visited you? Why are you saying my parents hate me? They’re just not overly affectionate with me. My parents aren’t like yours.”

Samuel’s angry glare shot at him. “Fuck you, Eddie.”

“No, fuck you. What changed during the first night to make you so angry toward me?”

Eddie turned his face toward him, cheeks being squished between his hands.

“Tell me what I did,” Eddie agonized.  

“You pulled away!” Samuel shouted, throwing the blankets off of him. 

Eddie withdrew from Samuel's space, fingers falling off of Samuel’s face. 

“What?”

“You pulled away from me. You have never pulled away. But you pulled away this time.”

“Samuel, we've spoken about this. It isn’t right.”

Samuel snorted. “When has it ever been right? You make me this way…you did all of this to me. And all of a sudden it isn’t right? You’re delusional.”

Now Eddie was confused. Because Samuel was speaking about him like he was a different person. The Eddie, Samuel was describing, had to be a stranger. 

Samuel stood up on shaky legs barreling to Eddie. 

“Samuel, sit down. You’re not stable enough to be walking on your own.”

“Oh, Eddie,” Samuel jeeringly mocked. “The one who always knows what I should and shouldn’t be doing.”

“I’m trying to make sure you don’t hurt yourself.”

“Why ‘cause you’ve done it enough?”

 Eddie bit at his tongue, hoping the pain would distract him enough to cause the tears not to fall. 

“Don’t say that,” Eddie sniffed. “I would never hurt you and you know that.”

“And what about spring break, huh?” Samuel panted, licking his chapped lips and coughing at the dryness in his throat. 

Eddie’s breaths picked up because how dare he mention that spring break in the same breath he used to claim Eddie hurt him. Samuel had no ground to stand on in regard to what happened, during the spring break of Eddie’s senior year. 

Eddie flinched at the hidden accusation. They hadn’t talked about spring break, even in their last letters. 

“No…you don’t get to do that. None of that was my fault. You told me…”

“I didn’t think you would listen,” Samuel hesitated, eyes glazing over with discarded memories. “I didn’t think you would listen.”

The energy began depleting from his voice. 

Samuel’s knees buckled, but Eddie was there to help him back onto his bed. Samuel must have conserved all the strength in his body to push him away. Or maybe Eddie hadn’t been prepared to be pushed. 

Either way, he was startled enough to be sent sprawling to the ground. 

“Don’t touch me. You make me sick. I can’t stand to look at you. You made me this way…this disgusting way. Look at me! You did this!”

Eddie’s eyes widened as Samuel started erratically yelling at him again in the same manner he had yelled at him, when he first found him in that hospital room. 

Samuel thrashed his body around, contorting his body into ways that appeared painful from the screams of agony being mixed in with his shouting. 

“I hate you. You disgust me. Everything we ever did…it was…you did this to me,” Samuel hoarsely wailed, picking up and throwing things at Eddie. “I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. You are the only reason that I’m here! I’m going to die here. It’s going to be your fault.”

Eddie sat there frozen as Samuel threw whatever he could at him. Water dripped down his face. Samuel had thrown his ice cup at him and the ice had long since been melted. Eddie took in all of his anger. 

“You destroyed my life! I wish I never met you,” he continued his shouting, even as nurses swarmed in to chain him to his bed, so he wouldn’t keep beating at his chest and scratching his throat. 

Sobs wracked in his body, but Eddie held them in. He would not cry. He would be strong as to not succumb to despondency. 

Samuel shouted at the nurses, but peaked over at Eddie from the small spot visible in the wall the nurses had built around him. 

“I hate you,” Samuel slowly drawled. Whatever medication they were administering quickly went into effect. 

“I know. It’s okay. I hate me too,” Eddie replied in a hushed tone, standing up from the corner he sat in. 

Eddie packed up the medical supplies that had fallen and turned to one of the nurses. “Make sure he gets his medicine on time. These fell on the floor.” 

The nurse nodded. 

“Goodbye, Samuel.”

Eddie walked away, knowing how final it was this time. Spoken goodbyes, during spring break, didn’t feel final. 

When they agreed to stop writing to each other, that also hadn’t felt final. There was still an idle sense of hope that they would meet and talk again as friends. 

This final goodbye was permanent. 

But before he left, he turned around putting the card for their city’s VA services in Samuel’s hand. 

Eddie couldn’t help him anymore. He prayed someone else could. 

That was a dark time for him. He had gone back to his Lieutenant practically begging for any assignment, small or large so he could take his mind off of what had transpired in that small hospital room. Lt. Davenport was concerned at the immediate change. Eddie hadn’t shown much enthusiasm when mission assignments began rolling out. But there he was halfway pleading to be handed more responsibilities. 

Yet Samuel was talking about the time Eddie saved his life in an almost fond or nostalgic manner. Eddie wanted to stand up and tell the entire crowd that Eddie hadn’t saved Samuel. He ruined him. He had told him so many times, in that hospital room. 

Amnesia could be the only reason for the reverent tone Samuel applied to the story. 

“I did five more tours, surprisingly. Didn’t feel I had it in my body to do more, but I didn’t know what else to do. Everyday, I’d pull out that card until the edges had begun to rip away and the ink faded. But I remembered the number. It still took me some time, after I got discharged, to make that call. But I did. And it was a long and arduous process. He guided me to make that first step toward getting help.”

He dabbed at his eyes with the handkerchief that had been resting in his chest pocket. 

“I only wish I could tell Eddie…” his eyes widened, realizing his misstep. Then it seemed as if he remembered, no one would care for the name of a stranger. 

But Eddie cared. He cared because what if they were recording this speech. What if they put this in the El Paso News. It would reach back to his parents and they already somewhat knew Samuel and Eddie’s friendship ran deeper. He had the scar on the back of his forearm that proved it. But they never heard how much Samuel cared for him and how they had met once again in the army. 

He looked to his friends, seeing the way pieces were being brought together in their mind. It didn’t take much. They knew Eddie was from El Paso. They knew he served. All they needed was that name drop. And they got it. 

He saw the way they turned to him, but Eddie couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t handle the staticky feeling. 

They knew.

They knew and there was no hiding things from them. He didn’t have a good poker face. And if he took one look at Buck, he knew every wall that he had built up would collapse. 

“I want to say thank you for saving my life and saving countless others. Because the war doesn’t end the moment you get discharged. It stays in your bones, in your mind. The war against your mind is one of the toughest battles I’ve ever fought.”

Samuel then spoke more about what his organization did and put up a QR code that would send them to a website with more information. He left the podium and everyone cheered. 

They were cheering for a liar. 

Another speaker took his place, but Eddie couldn’t focus on anything she was saying. His friends’ stares were heavy. Eddie still had his hand firmly on top of Buck’s. He couldn’t find it in himself to loosen his hold. 

Buck didn’t begrudge him for the act. 

“Soooo…I’m assuming you know the speaker,” Chimney tentatively addressed. 

Eddie could feel everything closing in on him, air decreasing in tiny increments. 

“Eddie, are you okay?” Hen questioned, sitting in front of him. He didn’t see her get out of her chair. 

Eddie looked down at her, mouth opening and then closing shut.

“Come on, let's step outside for a second,” Hen suggested, holding her hand out. 

“Hen,” Buck said. 

“It’s fine. I just need some air. Air is good,” Eddie said, taking Hen up on her offer. He slid his hand off of Buck’s, in order to take Hen’s. 

“Come on, we'll head out to the balcony and come back in a few minutes,” Hen guided, pulling up Eddie gently by his hand and leading him out to the balcony. 

Hen didn’t say anything, letting Eddie have a moment of silence. 

“Fuck my life,” Eddie laughed. “Seriously, fuck my life. This is just great.”

Hen wrapped her arms around him, holding him together as he laughed deliriously. He didn’t even know what emotion was fighting for dominance. He’d rather laugh than cry. He could stop laughing. He didn’t know if he could stop his tears. 

“He can’t seem to let me go. Now he wants to include me in his speeches. What kind of messed up thing is that?” Eddie dryly laughed. “You know I haven’t heard or seen from him in years, Hen. Years. And he wants to tell some heart-wrenching story about how I saved his life and others…bullshit.”

“Eddie-”

“He’s a fucking liar and a coward,” he snapped, derision lacing his tone. “And how many times has he given this speech? Then he says my name like it’s at the forefront of his mind. He forgot all about me. So why? Why would he do this?

Hen pulled him into her arms. “I don’t know Eddie. I don’t know why someone would do that.”

“Tell me he didn’t say my name. Tell me I’m being overdramatic and imagining things,” Eddie begged, stepping out of the hug. 

Hen’s sorrowful eyes brought him back to reality. He couldn’t be falling apart right now. He cleared his throat, wiping at cheeks that weren’t wet from tears. 

“I’m good. I’m good. Seriously, Hen. I’m good.” he repeated, hoping if he said it three times it would become true. “Thanks for bringing me out here to catch some air. It helped.”

Hen warily looked at him, thinking that it hadn’t helped at all. He didn’t feel the need to double down; he was alright. 

As Eddie made his way back into the ballroom, he noticed that the event had ended. Now people were casually talking to one another. He walked back to his table, ready to leave with the rest of his friends, when Sam caught his attention from across the room. 

Eddie held his head low, hoping that Samuel would think his appearance was a trick of the light. But when he looked up, Samuel was still heading toward his direction. 

Buck was quick to notice Samuel approaching and made his way to Eddie. The others followed close behind, but maintained enough distance to not intrude. 

Samuel stopped a short distance in front of him, clocking the people standing by Eddie. 

Buck curled around him protectively, eyes looking Samuel up and down. Samuel looked between the two of them, the way Buck’s arm was thrown around Eddie’s shoulder. Buck’s fingers hovered over the collar of Eddie’s dress shirt. 

“Glad things worked out for you,” Samuel pondered. “Worked out better than us, huh?”

Eddie felt his heart stop. That’s the first thing he wanted to say in lieu of introducing himself?

His friends had built up the idea that Samuel and Eddie had known each other as friends. But they had certainly not put together that they were anything more and it wasn’t only a hint of more that Samuel was alluding to.  

Eddie’s desire to go a few rounds in the ring had never been so strong as it was in that moment. 

“He’s…” Buck started, mouth reforming to fit a lie on his lips. 

He saw the way Buck thought it’d be a way to defend him. Part of him wanted it to be true, for the briefest moment. But he couldn’t have Buck lie. 

“It’s not…we’re not…I’m not-” Eddie stuttered. “Buck’s a friend. We’re all friends. These are my coworkers and friends. Friends. That’s what…we are.”

“Nice to see, you still ramble when you’re nervous. Cute,” Samuel voiced like he had earned any of the familiarity he was speaking to Eddie with. 

Eddie wanted the ground to fall beneath Samuel. 

“I’m sorry, who are you?” Buck questioned, picking up on how oddly out of place Eddie looked. “Eddie’s never mentioned you. And he tells me everything.”

“Must be a reason,” Chimney added, frowning at Samuel. He brushed his shoulder against Bobby who was standing tall behind Eddie, in order to come closer to where Eddie was standing. 

Samuel scratched the back of his neck and shifted his weight onto his other leg. 

“Yeah, I’d say there is. That’s why as soon as I saw you in the crowd, I had to come up and say hello. Maybe we can grab dinner or drinks if that makes you feel more comfortable.”

Eddie stepped back further into Buck’s chest. Buck held him closer, the distance between them growing even smaller. 

“Maybe,” Eddie finally answered in a clipped tone. 

Samuel coughed into his fist at the short response. Eddie didn’t know what he was expecting. Samuel should be thankful he hadn’t walked in the other direction, when he came over. 

“Here’s my business card. I wrote my personal number on the back. Send me a text or call. I’ll answer anytime. I’d really like to see you before I leave. It was nice seeing you.”

“Okay,” Eddie said, reaching out to grab the business card but was stopped by Buck grabbing it. 

Samuel chuckled, not paying attention to the way Buck intercepted the card. “You all enjoy the rest of your night.”

Eddie took the card from Buck. 

“You’re actually going to call him?” he questioned, following Eddie as they left the ballroom. 

Bobby walked in front of them. “That’ll be a decision for Eddie to make, Buck.”

“I know, but…” Buck ceased talking. “I mean…do you want to call him?”

“I don’t know. It’s been awhile since we talked. There’s a lot of history there,” Eddie timidly responded, in fear that Samuel would show up in front of him again. 

The walk back to their cars was silent and Eddie could feel their gazes. He didn’t want to say anything that would confirm or deny the questions that he knew they wanted to ask. He just wanted to go home and pretend this night was a fever dream. 

“I…” Eddie started to explain, but the words got lost in their journey. 

Hen walked up to him. “You don’t have to tell us anything you’re not ready for, okay?”

Eddie nodded. “Thanks, Hen. I really appreciate it, especially for your help earlier.”

“Anytime. Enjoy tomorrow’s off day,” Hen told him, giving him a side hug. 

"You as well."

Everyone went back to their cars, after saying their goodbyes. Buck was the only one to linger behind with Eddie. Eddie bumped his shoulder into his. 

“Go home, Buck. Get some sleep. You need some beauty rest. It’s already starting to look like you lost a few hours.”

Buck laughed, expression visibly brightening. “Ha, you too.”

“Excuse you. I’m always a mirror image of perfection,” Eddie joked. 

“Damn right you are,” Buck whistled, stepping back and giving him a full body check. But then a second later, he turned serious eyes to him. “Are you sure you’re okay? That was kind of intense.”

Eddie shrugged. “Seems to be the theme of my life lately. What’s one more disaster added to my list?”

“Eddie,” Buck somberly voiced. 

“I’m fine.”

Buck tilted his head. 

“I’ll be fine,” he corrected. “Seriously, this was unexpected. But I’ve grown to expect the unexpected.”

“Eddie, that’s not as reassuring as you make it sound.”

“I know,” Eddie noted. “But it’s all I can say right now to not make me feel like I’m going crazy. First Kim and now Samuel. It’s like my past is doing everything it can to haunt me. I’m going to have to start giving Frank a 25% tip or something.”

Buck didn’t find any humor in what Eddie was saying. Eddie let a flicker of discomfort rise at the back of his neck. He couldn’t very well hide things with humor from Buck. 

“Would it be okay if we table this for now? I really want to get some sleep and forget this night happened. I’ll deal with it eventually…only not today. Please.” 

Buck looked like he wanted to prod further, but decided against it. He placed his hands on his waist and nodded. 

“I’ll let it go for now. You okay to drive home by yourself?”

“Yes, Buck. Thanks for the concern, but I’ll be alright,” Eddie assured him, reaching out to place his hand on his shoulder. “Have a goodnight, Buck.”

Eddie let his hand fall away from Buck. 

“You too. Make sure to text me, when you make it home,” Buck called out, while Eddie began walking to his car. 

“Always do. Make sure you text me too, before you fall asleep this time.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Buck smiled, waving him off. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

When he was in his car, he looked once more at the phone number left on the backside of the card. He programmed the number and saved it under “Samuel.” 

He couldn’t text him today, but maybe tomorrow would be different. 

He was trying to make more logically sound decisions. He really was making good improvements. However, as the saying goes, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” That was the only explanation as to why Eddie had a great skill in undoing all the progress he made within the span of one day. 

Frank stared at him with a look of concern. Thank goodness Eddie grew accustomed to Frank’s varying facial expressions or he would have thought Frank was looking at him with covert judgment. But Frank had this look of concern a lot, whenever Eddie was talking. 

It was disconcerting, especially when Frank started explaining why he was concerned about the actions Eddie made. 

Why couldn’t Frank lie to him and say that what Eddie was doing appeared completely sane? 

Right, Frank was his therapist. His job required him to discuss why Eddie’s actions were not sane. 

That’s what led him here to another Monday session with Frank looking on in concern while Eddie shifted uncomfortably on that black leather chaise. 

And why did therapists always have that chaise situated awkwardly in their office? Chaises were so strange. They should’ve been made to have back support. Though that was what a couch was for, Eddie realized. 

Perhaps he should have sat down in one of the chairs, sitting directly opposite of Frank. But the chaise was calling out his name. He kept wondering, if it would be strange to suddenly change seats when they were already thirty minutes into this hour-long session. 

“Eddie,” Frank gently coaxed. 

Eddie redirected his attention back to Frank. “Yes.”

“Tell me your thought process between scheduling a coffee date…”

“It’s not a date. It’s a meetup with a friend, whom I haven’t seen in years,” Eddie further explained. 

Frank coughed into his fist, bringing his hand down to rest on his journal. Eddie hoped he didn’t have to write anything in there today. He wondered if the journal Frank had for Eddie was almost full. Would Eddie have to buy him a new one soon or did their department give Frank lots of journals? 

“My apologies. You are scheduled to get coffee with your old friend on a day where you not only have a morning therapy session, but also a 24 hour shift.”

“My week is busy. I don’t know how long he’s going to be here. So,” he trailed off, letting whatever he said next be filled in by Frank. 

Frank was getting exceptionally good at knowing what Eddie would say. 

“So you figured you’d plan to meet for coffee…and you don’t even like coffee.”

“I like tea and the pastries they serve,” Eddie defended. 

Frank raised an eyebrow at him. “Okay. You’re meeting up for coffee and you planned to meet ten minutes after we finish our session. You’re making it appear as though you’re busy, thus cutting into the time you have with Samuel.”

“Well…”

“Then you schedule it on a day where you work one of your longest shifts. This allows you to have an easy out, saying you need to leave early to make it to work on time.”

Frank was not getting exceptionally good at knowing what Eddie would say. 

Because that’s not…

Okay, it wasn’t planned…

Alright, maybe in the back of his mind he did want to have an easy out to leave the coffee shop, should things get awkward. 

“Well, when you put it like that it doesn’t sound all that good,” Eddie winced. 

“Why did you agree to meet up for coffee, if you don’t want to see Samuel.”

“Because he asked.”

“Eddie, you don’t have to do something because someone asked. You always have the right to refuse.”

“I know.”

“Is there a part of you that’s happy to see him again or at the very least want to see him again?”

Eddie let the question ruminate in his mind, weighing what he wanted out of this meetup. 

“I don’t know. Is it alright not to know?”

“It is perfectly fine not to know. I want to make sure you’re not rushing into things that may leave you upended. We’ve briefly talked about your friendship with Samuel and how it might have been a bit more than friendship. Is that a fair statement to agree on?”

Eddie wanted to slide down to the floor and beg for it to swallow him whole. He had mentioned, in previous sessions, that his friendship with Samuel wasn’t a textbook definition of how friends behaved. And now Frank wanted to unpack all of that. 

“We were never like…it was never-”

“You don’t have to put a label onto it for it to mean something more,” Frank lightly theorized. “Part of the trepidation you are feeling may be in due part to how you think you need to search for an appropriate response, to an old friend coming into town versus someone that broke your heart.”

“He didn’t break my heart,” Eddie vehemently disagreed. 

Frank looked apologetic. “Sorry. It wasn’t my intent to assume."

“We ended on bad terms. It was mutual. Friendship breakups happen. A lot of friends don’t stay friends after high school. It’s fine. Friends drift apart. It happens all the time.”

“You ended on bad terms…yet it was mutual?”

Eddie lifted his shoulder, then dropped it down. “Yes.”

“Okay. Would you feel this way if it was Buck you ended your friendship with? Furthermore, how would you react to your friendship ending in the same manner your friendship with Samuel reached its conclusion.”

“No, that would be so much worse,” Eddie answered, before he could take it back. “I’m confused. What does Buck have to do with this?”

“Why would ending your friendship with Buck be worse, Eddie?”

Eddie froze in his seat, pressing his lips tightly together. 

“Humor me. Currently, your best friend is Buck, right?”

“Right.”

“And your childhood best friend was Samuel, right?”

“Yep.”

“What drew you to becoming their friend? Are there any similarities or differences between the two of them within the parameters of friendship?” 

Why was Frank incessantly pressing at this? Why did he keep bringing up Buck and Samuel in their therapy sessions? Had the topic of Kim and Shannon already worn out its welcome? 

He had already talked about Christopher for the beginning half of the session, before the conversation veered into this territory. 

Why was Frank latching onto this now? What purpose did this prodding serve? How would it help Eddie? 

“For this week’s homework, I want you to reflect on your friendship with Samuel and Buck. I don’t want you to list down similarities or differences in them as individuals. But I want you to write down your emotions as it relates to both of them. I want you to see where your feelings differ and where they are similar.”

“Why?”

“Because I think it would help you.”

“Help me with what?”

Frank smiled sadly at him, as though he was a teacher seeing a student not grasp the lesson being taught—and Eddie had gone to multiple tutoring sessions and still wasn’t absorbing the material. 

“You’ll find out, once you start seeing how things are written out in front of you. We can discuss it in more detail, during our next session.”

Eddie didn’t know the reasoning, but he trusted Frank. He’d do the assigned homework. 

“Sure, I can do that.” 

Frank closed his journal as Eddie stood from his uncomfortable spot on the chaise. He rolled his shoulders, working out the discomfort that rose in his shoulders. 

“See you next week.”

“Hope coffee goes well,” Frank stated. 

Eddie laughed dryly. “Yeah, me too.”

Eddie barely made it to the coffee shop on time. He could hear Frank’s voice echoing in his ear about how he did this on purpose. And what if he did? So sue him, he honestly didn’t care. At least he was showing up and didn’t go with his plan of faking a cold. 

He had driven past the coffee shop five times. Finally, he decided he couldn’t prolong things any further. And even once he parked, he stayed in his car for five more minutes. The five minutes passed quicker than he would have liked. He mustered up enough strength to take his keys out of the ignition and open his car door. 

When he arrived, Samuel was already sitting at a table. Thankfully, the table was situated at the front of the shop, allowing for a full view of the street. 

At least Eddie would have means of distraction. 

Samuel’s eyes met his and he waved at him, a bright smile blooming on his face. Eddie put on a smile, conscious of how he was appearing. Eddie sat down at the table, trying and failing to quiet his nerves. 

“So…”

“How…”

Samuel laughed and held out his hands. “You go first.”

“How long are you in town for?”

“Until the end of July.”

“Oh, you’re here for quite a bit. Why?” Eddie winced at how rough that sounded. “I mean what brings you to LA for that long?”

“Work,” Samuel responded. 

“Oh.”

“How’s your family been?” Samuel spoke up, after a minute’s pause. 

“Good. Yours?”

“Really good.”

“That’s great.”

“I was sorry to hear about the news of Shannon. That must’ve been hard,” Samuel exclaimed, reaching out to hold Eddie’s hand, but then becoming aware of his place. He withdrew his hands and cleared his throat, flushing red at the neck from embarrassment. 

Eddie’s jaw clenched. Out of all the things to say he chose to bring up Shannon. And it had been years since she passed. If he wanted to pass on his condolences, he could have done so years ago. 

Eddie only nodded, choosing not to speak dare he say something in anger. 

Samuel’s eyes darted around nervously, catching on to the fact that he should’ve never mentioned Shannon. 

“Umm, so a firefighter? Didn’t think that would be a career option for you.”

“Whelp, I am. Have been a firefighter for almost seven years now.”

“That’s awesome. It’s good to see you’re doing well.”

“Thanks.”

And Eddie should have asked him about himself and how he was doing. But for some reason he couldn’t make himself speak. Something passed over him, almost like confusion as to how he wound up in this situation. 

This didn’t feel real. There was no way Samuel had all of a sudden made a grand reappearance in his life. 

The silence was getting to Eddie. He couldn’t bear to stay there a second longer. He glanced at his watch and sighed as though he was disappointed time moved so quickly. 

“I have to head off to work,” Eddie said. He’d rather show up to work an hour early than suffer through this awkwardness.  “Can’t be late, you know?”

Samuel looked startled. “Oh, already?”

“Yeah, unlike you I have a boss to report to,” Eddie joked, standing up from his chair. 

“Of course. It’d be good to see you again, maybe when you don’t have to go to work right after,” Samuel tentatively suggested. 

“Yeah,” Eddie agreed with zero enthusiasm. “I’ll see when I am free and get back to you.”

Eddie proceeded to do one of the worst moves known to mankind. He backed away shooting finger guns, saying, “See you later alligator.”

Then he nearly caused someone to spill coffee on themselves. He turned around, apologies quickly falling from his lips as he rushed out of the coffee shop. 

That was bad. 

That was so horrifyingly bad. 

He had only stayed there for twenty minutes. 

He didn’t even think Samuel bought any coffee. He didn’t buy a pastry. The both of them sat there for twenty minutes barely saying anything worth importance. Eddie didn’t think they would fall into an easy conversation, but he didn’t think it would be like whatever had just happened. 

He hoped work fared better than that disaster of a morning. He should’ve known Frank’s warnings, that this day might be too much for him, was the sound advice of a licensed therapist who was growing accustomed to Eddie’s actions and their subsequent consequences. 

Eddie hated admitting that Frank was right. Between therapy, meeting with Samuel and going to work Eddie was already in a bad mood. It increasingly got worse, the more time spent out on calls. He wanted to make sure no one would notice, but Bobby was already staring at him. 

Bobby had already come up to him once and warned him that he would be man-behind, if he couldn’t cool his temper. 

It wasn’t his fault that so many people on their calls were agitating him. Because who on earth decided it would be a good idea to see if you could microwave a candle and see if the match gets lit. 

He might have muttered stupid under his breath and the homeowner heard him. Then he might have repeated it even louder, when they asked him to repeat himself. Bobby hadn’t liked that. 

“Diaz, cool it on the temper. I will not hesitate to bench you,” Bobby warned, sidestepping him as they walked down the sidewalk to their truck. 

“Don’t worry, Cap. It won’t happen again,” he promised. 

“Make sure that it doesn’t.”

Eddie clenched his jaw as Bobby walked away. He did need to calm down and stop being so reactive today. Unfortunately, for him everything was setting him off. 

Buck came from behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“You alright? You usually only roll your eyes eight times a day. I’ve clocked six eye rolls in the past hour. Looking tense,” Buck observed concernedly. “And I think Cap is serious about making you man-behind. I need my partner out here.” 

“I’m fine Buck,” he snapped, pulling his arm away from Buck and walking to the engine. 

He could do those breathing exercises and he would become relaxed. He could shake off the bubbling irritation. 

But it was their fifth call of the day, when things went horribly wrong and Eddie’s breathing exercises failed him. 

They were responding to a call where a group of children had been popping fireworks in the backyard. The call came from a few neighbors who were concerned that fireworks were being let off in the middle of the day. 

They arrived at the home and could hear fireworks being let off. They didn’t know how old or young the children were, but didn’t want to frighten them either way. They definitely didn’t want to frighten them when they had fireworks ready to go off. 

“Stop it, Manny! Mama is going to kill us,” a young girl could be heard screaming. “Seriously, stop. It’s not funny.”

Suddenly a crash was heard and then a sharp cry. 

“Manny!”

They sprung into action, heading into the backyard where there were enough fireworks to light up the night sky. 

“Who called the cops?” one of the kids said, holding her sibling who now had a small scratch on his face. 

“Jessica shut up! And they’re not cops. They are firefighters.”

Hen went to what looked to be the youngest sibling and sat him down to look at his face. Bobby went over to the oldest, who was shaking like a leaf. 

“Hello, my name is Bobby. What’s your name?” Bobby asked, kneeling down on one knee to become eye level with the young girl. 

The oldest looked at them, clocking their badges and then said, “Gabby.”

“Gabby, it's nice to meet you. We got a call from your neighbors about fireworks. Are you parents home?”

The oldest shook her head, wide eyes growing impossibly rounder. “No, and they can’t know. We promise to clean this all up. Just don’t let them know we were…”

“Gabriella de la Rosa!” a loud voice boomed, the force causing the fence gate to open even further. 

Gabby shrank further into herself and Eddie situated himself in front of the child, not knowing what could happen as a result of this situation. 

 “Why did I get a call from our neighbors saying they heard fireworks…oh hello,” the mom stopped, once she saw the firefighters in her backyard. “Gabby, what did you do?”

A woman came into view, blonde frizzy curls blowing in the wind. Her eyes moved to the firecrackers and then to her daughter. 

“Manny and Jessica wanted to play outside, but I had to feed Victor because he was getting hungry. I only stepped inside for a second I swear. But mama they started letting them off and I told them to stop. I did,” Gabby rushed to explain. 

“I left you with your siblings alone for five seconds. How did you get into trouble already?” the dad, who was only a few seconds behind his wife, questioned. “Now we have the firefighters here.”

“Papi, I tried. They wouldn’t listen,” Gabby whined, brown eyes swelling with tears. 

“Oh, honey. What happened to your face?”  the mom questioned, zeroing in on Manny. 

Hen stepped aside, since then having already put a band-aid on his chin. 

“I fell,” Manny answered, holding his hands out to be picked up. 

“My poor baby,” the mom cooed, picking him up. 

“Hello, I’m Bobby, captain of the 118,” Bobby said, stepping in front of them. “We were called out here, since your children were letting off fireworks. Thankfully, it doesn’t appear that anyone got injured or that there was any damage to any houses. However, it is illegal to be in possession of fireworks without a valid permit.”

Bobby turned his head at the boxes of fireworks, still left unopened. “Do you realize how dangerous it is to leave this unattended around children? Also a lot of things could have gone wrong, you could have started a wildfire, especially with this wind.” 

“I know. I know. My cousin had just brought some over and I was trying to find ways to dispose of them. I hadn’t gotten to do so yet.”

“It would be good for you to do it soon,” Bobby smoothly threatened, crossing his arms at his chest. “I would highly suggest you do so by today.”

“We will. Javi and I told Gabby to watch the kids. She should’ve known better, but that’s no excuse,” the mom spoke up. 

“Reagan is right. Gabby, I thought you said you were going to be a good girl for us today.”

Gabby’s lips started to quiver. “I was trying papi. They kept messing around.”

“Still you know that you have to step in and take charge,” Javi reinforced. “We’ll talk about this later.”

“And Jessica what happened here,” Reagan questioned, looking at her other daughter. “Did you scrape your knee?”

“She tripped over her bicycle,” Gabby explained, lowering her eyes to the ground. 

“And why are the bicycles in the backyard and not the garage? Also it’s fine Reagan you don’t have to keep babying the girl. It’s just a scratch. It’ll be fine with some Neosporin,” Javi argued, then saw how his wife was holding Manny. “Put him down. He’s too heavy.”

And suddenly Eddie vaulted back into his elementary school’s nurse’s office. He’s telling the nurse, “It’s just a scratch.” He knew she didn’t believe him, especially when those scratches were showing up more often. The belt buckle had just caught his lip weirdly. 

And he couldn’t separate the memory from the call they were on. 

Eddie pushed at Javi’s shoulder, directing his attention toward him and not Gabby. 

“Your children could have seriously injured themselves. Do you understand that? You cannot leave your kids alone in a house full of fireworks. In fact, you shouldn’t have left your kids home alone at all.”

“Diaz,” Bobby warned. “Enough.”

But Eddie didn’t pay heed to the warning. 

“She’s fine. She’s done this before. And they’re all good. No broken bones or anything serious,” Javi claimed. “It doesn’t matter. Now is that all? I think you can leave.”

“It doesn’t matter? It doesn’t matter?” Eddie scoffed. “How old is Gabby?”

“Twelve,” Javi told him. 

Eddie reared back as though he had been struck. “You can’t leave a twelve year old at home alone to watch your children.”

Javi rolled his eyes and clicked his tongue against the back of his teeth. “In all honesty, I don’t need your advice. I’ve left her alone to watch them before. The kids got into a little trouble this time. It isn’t a situation that needs firefighters. And Gabby knows better. We raised her better than this.”

“She’s a child,” Eddie said, stepping into his space. 

“Okay, and? It’s not like I left my children in an overheated car. My goodness, are all you firefighters so touchy? See Gabby. This is what happens, when you let your brothers and sister misbehave,” Javi stated, reaching out to grab Gabby. 

But Eddie stopped him with a hand tightly grasping his shoulder. 

“Stop talking to her like that,” Eddie demanded. “She did nothing wrong. You need to reevaluate who you’re attributing the blame to.”

“Diaz, back off,” Bobby commanded.

Bobby tried to pull him away, but Eddie shrugged him off. 

“No, he needs to understand how irresponsible it is…”

“Eddie, I think he’s getting the idea. Come here. Eddie, don’t do this in front of the kids,” Buck chided. “Eddie.”

Eddie looked back to where Gabby had her hands curled around herself. He released his grip from Javi to kneel down in front of her. 

“Hey, you did nothing wrong,” Eddie comforted. 

“But I should have paid closer attention to my siblings,” Gabby sadly whispered. “I’m going to be grounded forever.” 

“Your only responsibility is to be a kid and play with your siblings. Your parents know that,” Eddie said, looking back at Reagan and Javi. 

Reagan looked at her husband, rolling her eyes at his silence. “Of course. It was an unfortunate accident. It’s on us. Don’t worry sweetie. I’m just glad none of you are injured. Come on, let's go inside. Thank you again for coming out here. My apologies.”

Bobby nodded. “Make sure those fireworks are properly handled. I’ll be coming by to do a check.”

“I promise,” Javi vowed. “They’ll be gone by today.”

“Good,” Bobby replied. “Alright, guys let’s head out.”

But before he went back to the engine, Eddie stopped by Javi one more time. “It’s not her duty to be her sibling's parent. It’d be best for you to come to that understanding very soon.”

Eddie left the man standing there and walked toward Cap. He didn’t have the chance to say anything, when Bobby held his hand up at him. 

“I don’t want to hear a word from you right now, Diaz. Get in the truck.”

Eddie clenched his jaw, the sound of teeth grinding made his ears ache. He would apologize to Bobby at the station. Bobby should understand that it was an unfortunate slip. He hadn’t meant to go off. 

Everyone was quiet on the ride back to the station. He didn’t know if they were doing it more in part because Eddie’s anger felt like tension waiting to snap at one word or whether they were drained from the July heat. 

Thankfully, they quickly made it back to the station and everyone began getting out, ready to either take a quick nap or make something for an early dinner. Eddie was gearing up for a nice nap, until he heard Bobby’s voice call his name. 

“Diaz, I need to see you in my office,” Bobby alerted Eddie, not even looking back to see if Eddie was following him. 

The others didn’t bring attention to how Eddie was basically being called to the principal’s office. He shook off Buck’s arm over his shoulders, ignoring the way Buck reached out. 

Eddie went into Bobby’s office, closing the door quietly behind him. 

“Yes, Cap,” Eddie began, straightening his shoulders and looking directly at Bobby.  

“I’m not making you man behind-”

“Good…” Eddie replied, ready to apologize for his behavior. 

“Because I’m sending you home early. I got Fred from B-shift to finish off the rest of your shift.”

“Bobby,” Eddie complained. 

“Listen, Eddie. I have to think of not only your safety, but also the safety of everyone else on my team. And I have to think about the safety of the people we’re administering help to.”

“You think I could cause harm to any of y’all? I’m sorry for the way I acted back there. I truly am. But you know that I would never intentionally jeopardize the safety of anyone.”

“Eddie, that's not what I’m saying.”

“It sounds like that’s what you’re implying. Cap, I had a rough start to the morning.”

“The rough start to your morning has continued into the late evening,” Bobby claimed, resting his elbows on his desk. 

“Listen, Eddie. I gave you enough chances to see if you would work out whatever is going on with you today. I get it. We all have our difficult days to overcome. And as Captain, I need to make sure that when one of you is not up to working today whether physically or mentally…”

“Now you’re saying I’m mentally unfit to do my job.”

“Eddie, you're twisting my words around.”

“No, I get it. You just don’t want me here.”

“For this shift, no. No, I don’t.”

“Cap, I’ll be fine.”

“Eddie, we're past the point of negotiating.”

“Bobby.”

“Diaz, go home.”

“Bobby.”

“Go home and cool off. Being here won’t do you any good right now. Come back tomorrow with a clearer mind.”

“Fine.

“Eddie, I'm not doing this as some form of punishment. You know that, right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Eddie,” Bobby sighed.

“Is that all?” Eddie curtly replied. 

“Yes.”

Bobby looked like he wanted to say more, but only dismissed him instead. 

After meeting with Bobby, Eddie lingered in the locker-room. He had taken a shower and changed into his normal civilian clothes. However, he wanted to wait around and see if Bobby would change his mind. Maybe he would see Eddie was still there and decide it was a mistake to send him home. 

But that time never came. It got to a point where waiting around became embarrassing. Eddie gathered his things and headed out to leave. He didn’t bother saying goodbye to anyone. He was far too self-conscious to hear their placating words of encouragement or look at their sympathetic glances. 

He walked out of the station, footsteps quickening as he heard Buck call after him. 

“Eddie! Hey, Eddie! Slow down,” Buck yelled after him. 

Eddie turned around, “What Buck? Why are you in your casual clothes? You still have hours left on your shift.”

Buck shrugged, the straps of his duffel bag being pulled tighter on his shoulder. “Bobby got someone to cover for me.”

“Buck, I don’t need you babysitting me.”

“I’m not babysitting you. But I’ll be honest. I wasn’t about to be much use on shift, worrying about how you were doing. You seemed a bit off-kilter ever since you came in this morning. But it works out anyway. I needed a break from being out in this heat.”

Buck held up his hand in front of his eyes, halfway succeeding from blocking the sun. He nudged his shoulder against his, the move destabilizing Eddie from his rigid posture. 

“There’s still a lot of time left in the day for us to do something that keeps us nice and cool. I mean…unless you were planning on going home and having an early night?” Buck inquired. 

“I don’t want to go home,” Eddie murmured, slightly ashamed he wanted to avoid the emptiness of his house. 

Buck hummed in acknowledgement. “I have a spot we can go. Do you like art?”

Eddie shrugged. “Sure, it’s nice.”

“Good, there’s this art exhibit I’ve been meaning to go to, but haven’t had the time. And it ends tomorrow. Are you okay with leaving your car here for now? We can swing back around later to pick it up.”

“That’s fine,” Eddie agreed, already following Buck to his jeep. 

Eddie got inside and threw his things into the backseat. Immediately, Buck cranked on the AC. It was slow to get cool, it always did in Buck’s jeep. Eddie rolled down his window to let some of the hot air escape. 

While pulling out of the parking lot, Buck filled him in on the details of the exhibit. Eddie paid close attention to all that Buck was saying. He found out about the exhibit through instagram and had been waiting to go, but never had the time. And it was true they were constantly busy. Even on their off days, Buck was usually doing something to fill his day. 

All throughout the ride, Buck never brought up Eddie’s souring mood. He knew he should apologize to Buck…and probably the whole 118 for his behavior. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find the need to seek forgiveness. He stood firm in the words he said to those parents. However, he could’ve done so in a calmer manner. 

Eddie let the passing street signs fade behind him. During the drive, Eddie began to take on a more subdued mien. He didn’t want to check out completely from the conversation. But somewhere he started to answer with noncommittal noises. 

He was completely tired from today. It wasn’t tiredness derived from exhaustion. But it was one of these bone-deep aches of numbness. Yet he didn’t want to lie down in bed and stare at the ceiling until his eyes grew dry. 

Lethargy seeped into his bones. It coated every single inch of his insides. Eddie didn’t even realize they had made it into the museum nor did he notice the different art pieces on display. He would follow behind Buck, fingers grasping ahold of the back of his shirt whenever the crowd became dense. 

The thin material of his shirt wrinkled under his touch. He noticed that Buck was appropriately dressed for a day at the museum. Buck always did like dressing nicely wherever he went no matter the occasion. Meanwhile Eddie had carelessly thrown on the henley shirt and jeans he had packed in his gym bag. He was pretty sure there was a small hole at the bottom of his shirt, stretched out even further with every turn in the dryer. 

Eddie let go of Buck’s shirt, wistfully mourning how soft it felt between his fingers. Buck owned a lot of soft and comfortable clothes. There was one hoodie he had gifted him for Christmas one year and that hoodie had nearly been worn to the bone. 

Buck bought fabric softener to ensure his clothes remained comfortable. Eddie had only just learned fabric softener wasn’t fancy laundry detergent. 

Eddie thought Buck did more to his clothes because he had bought fabric softener one time and it didn’t change how his clothes felt at all. 

And now all he could think about was the load of laundry he had waiting for him back home. The henley he wore was probably the second to last clean shirt he had in his closet. 

Eddie wished he could appreciate more of the artwork on display as he followed Buck into the different rooms. At one point Buck had stepped away to go talk to the museum curator about a certain piece he had enjoyed. 

Eddie told him he would be fine and pointed at where he would be walking to next. It was a more enclosed space, almost as though it had been designed to be separately viewed from the rest of the exhibit. 

The walls were full of garden landscapes and they were stunning in their own right. They were confined within garish golden frames. Eddie sparingly wondered if a place depicted on those canvases actually existed. The landscapes looked so beautiful with their expansive hills and crystalline waters outstretching into the horizon of trees and mountains. 

There wasn’t one in particular that called out to him, though they all inspired within him a desire of serenity. 

He walked further into the room, stopping short of the way the room had a secret cove. Within this room of beautiful landscapes, it created a hidden sanctuary for the sculptures. 

There were five sculptures, analyzing the main sculpture piece being highlighted. The main sculpture was situated on a platform only about two or three feet above the other sculptures. Eddie walked closer, realizing that like the other sculptures he too was now a spectator of the two closely joined sculptures. 

It was clear they were the focal point of that small sanctuary. Eddie looked down at the plaque, reading the title, “Calamity’s Besotted Lover.”

His eyes took in the sculpture of the lovers, marveling at the hardened stone that had become malleable, allowing the artist to carve a stunning display. 

Hands gripping tightly into the contours of each other’s body, left dimpled impressions on their skin. The fabric of their clothes were bunched up between them, falling like rivulets over their legs. 

One reached out to pull the material of the fabric, where it was bunched up at the waist. The other’s hand pushed down the cloak at their lover’s shoulder, giving way to bare skin. Even while frozen, they were fearful that they would be forced to separate. 

Eddie turned around at the other sculptures, their expressions etched into ones of derision and melancholy. One sculpture was propped against the other. She had a monotonous expression befalling her face and her mouth was open in a silent cry. 

He wondered if they should---by some miracle become alive--- would they stare at Eddie in disbelief as he stood in veneration?

Would their malignant leers be pointed at him, confused as to why his response did not mirror theirs? 

Would they acquire the insight to sense that the human man in their midst was far too similar to the sculpted individuals standing over them? 

Sometime, during his musings, other people began to fill the room. But no one stayed long enough to engage in this spectacle. He was grateful. There was a certain ecstasy in being the only one who knew what the artist was trying to convey. 

He stood enraptured, whilst the other museum visitors easily moved from one art piece to the next. He settled on that sculpture, the two bodies closely melded together. His heartbeat stuttered in quick succession in his chest. He wondered did they feel as he felt—like some immovable force?

Did they desire to live beyond those museum walls, full of crown molding and marbled floors? Or were they content, captured in a lovers’ embrace immortalized forever? 

Did they feel ashamed as they were ridiculed by their peers? Or had they purposefully gathered each other in a salacious embrace to publicly pronounce their love and denounce the others’ reprimand? 

He longed to reach out and tell them that here he stood in front of them in admiration. If only one could ever look at them with reverential eyes, let it be him. 

However, he couldn’t begrudge them for how intently they looked at one another. Their lips were only a hair width apart, frozen the moment before an open claim could be made. 

Eddie shook himself out of the haze he had succumbed to, when he felt Buck walk toward him, broad shoulders bumping against his. Languidly, he blinked his eyes at Buck. He dwelled in the silence because he was anxious to hear what Buck thought. 

Face turned upward to the sculpture of two lovers, he tilted his head down in Eddie’s direction. Eddie faced Buck, taking in the way at which his expression further softened. 

“You’re just like ‘em you know,” Buck said, making sure to point at the sculpture of the two lovers and not to the crowd they were standing amongst. 

Eddie felt fear seize in his chest, eyes flickering up at the sculpture of two lovers once more. 

With further prompting and the ghost of a smile on reddened lips—from the berry hibiscus tea they had gotten before heading into the museum—he continued by saying, “You’re softness made of stone.”

And with a soft exhalation, that sounded like a prayer, Buck added, “And just as beautiful.” 

Shocked, Eddie turned away from where he had been staring at the two lovers in order to look at Buck. By then Buck had turned back to the sculpture, barely missing the way Eddie’s gaze turned toward him. 

Eddie felt heat lick at his cheeks. They had never called each other beautiful. Sure, they had shared compliments. There had been many times they told each other, “Looking good” or “Very handsome.” 

But a compliment had never been uttered with this much sincerity and softness. It made Eddie desperate to learn what he could do to make Buck say it again with that same inflection in his voice. Part of him wondered whether he had imagined the statement, spoken like an offering before these sculptures. 

He wished he could will the two sculpted lovers to become animated and tell him his ears didn’t deceive him. Because he couldn’t ask Buck to repeat himself. The silence had stretched on far too long. 

Deciding Eddie wasn’t going to say anything, Buck left Eddie in his spot with an almost loving touch to his elbow. Eddie craned his neck to follow Buck as he walked to look at the other art pieces. 

Softness made of stone. 

And just as beautiful. 

How did that simple description encapsulate everything Eddie never thought he was, but secretly wanted to be? How did Buck always manage to unearth everything Eddie tried so desperately to bury? 

He rubbed at his chest, chasing away the heaviness that had risen in his heart. He released some calming breaths and decided he had stayed in that room long enough. Part of him wanted to take a picture, but knew it was better for this image to exist solely in his mind. 

He left the room with a semblance of regret as he met Buck back into the main exhibit hall. 

“You ready?”

Eddie nodded, glancing once more at the room, hoping to get one last glance at the lovers who had captivated him. But the lovers were hidden in that small enclave of landscapes, belonging to Eddie only in his memories. 

“Yes.”

When they stepped outside of the museum, the sun was beginning to set. The temperature had gotten cool enough to where it didn’t feel like Eddie would melt on the spot. Buck turned to face him, swinging his keys around his finger. 

“Are you hungry?” 

“I could eat.”

“Good because I’m starving.”

They found themselves eating in an area where multiple food trucks were parked. It was convenient enough where they could look around and see what fit their individual food cravings. Buck got enough portions for Eddie to try some of his food. And Eddie got a side dish that he thought Buck might like from where he had gotten his own food.

The two found seats, with some difficulty, since a lot of people were now heading out for dinner. 

Buck kept the conversation light and filled in all the pockets of silence that Eddie created. The day had been a lot for him and spending time with Buck always uplifted his mood. Unfortunately, Eddie had tapped into the last bit of energy for the day. 

Buck could surely recognize that Eddie hadn’t spoken much, once they had gotten into Buck’s jeep. He hadn’t even spoken much at the museum, content to listen to Buck’s opinions and critiques of the art work. 

Buck’s voice had been the only thing to secure Eddie’s attention to what was going on around him. If he wasn’t so bound by Buck’s voice or fleeting touch to any part of his body, Eddie would’ve floated away. 

He would have ceased to be imbued with elan for the world in which he occupied. Occasionally, Eddie would reach out his fingers to graze the hem of Buck’s t-shirt as he walked only a few centimeters ahead of him just to make sure he was still here. 

Eddie reflected on the way Buck would slow down his steps to become more aligned with him. Those long legs of his could stretch further than Eddie could ever hope to travel. But he stood beside him, an ever constant presence. 

Buck continued talking, mouth upturning with amusement as he regaled tales about the new pilates gym he was trying out. Eddie wanted to know whether there was a time Buck simply allowed his body to rest. 

Buck was a steady stream of movement. He began to reflect on whether he could give Buck the chance to stay still for a few seconds. Could he inspire Buck to rest—to rest beside him and curl into a space, only carved out for him? 

What would it feel like to rest, to feel the thrum of energy vibrating over Buck’s skin settle into something reminiscent of the way the world became still as night washed over the sky?

All of a sudden Eddie couldn’t put an end to these errant ponderings. He was now afflicted with thoughts that would permeate his mind, stealthily intermixing with his unspoken desires. 

Eddie ran his fingers over the table, still a bit wet from the slight shower of rain a few hours ago. Eddie withdrew his hands and placed them between his knees. He leaned forward and continued listening to Buck. 

Buck’s eyes brightened the more he talked. Eddie watched as his hands wildly gesticulated as he talked with great enthusiasm about how that pilates workout was one of the hardest workouts he’s had in a longtime. 

Eddie caught on to Buck asking if he would like to try sometime. Eddie felt himself nodding. At some point, his body shifted into auto-pilot. 

It was like driving back home without knowing how you got there. Your body had gotten used to the familiar route and it was easy to drive home without paying attention to how long traffic was or how many red lights you passed on your way. 

But Eddie wanted to be present for the conversation. He didn’t want to operate on auto-pilot with Buck—never with Buck. 

“I’m sorry,” Eddie timidly spoke up, without a second thought as to why the apology was on his mind. 

Immediately, Buck stopped speaking. He placed his sandwich down and wiped away the sauce on his chin. He confusedly tilted his head to the side like he didn’t know why Eddie was apologizing. 

“I’m sorry,” Eddie repeated. 

Buck probably hadn’t heard him the first time and that’s why he was looking so confused.

“Sorry? Eddie, what on earth do you have to be sorry for?”

Eddie’s cheeks grew warm and he curled his shoulders further inward. He didn’t want to look up and see Buck’s penetrative glare. He wanted to pretend a little longer that he could hide things from Buck. Because the moment he looked up and brown eyes met blue eyes, Eddie’s resolve would weaken. 

“I’m just sorry, you know.”

“No, I don’t know Eddie. I’m confused. There’s no reason for you to be apologizing.”

“Yes, there is,” Eddie refuted. 

Buck carefully set aside his food so he could lean forward, chest pressing against the table. 

“Okay, then clue me in to what you’re apologizing for Eddie.”

Eddie bit his lip and continued to do so, until he felt skin break. He didn’t stop even when the metallic taste lingered on his tongue. 

“I’m sorry for how I was acting today. I shouldn’t have blown up at the call. And then you left work early for me and I’ve barely said a word to you this whole day,” Eddie explained. 

There was more he wanted to apologize for, but Eddie didn’t even know where to start. 

“Eddie, you don’t have to apologize to me for that…and honestly today’s call wasn’t even that bad. We all have our bad days. Plus your presence is enough company for me. I know some days you don’t feel like being talkative. And that’s okay,” Buck reassured. “It was my decision to take off work early to spend it with you. I wanted to.”

Eddie’s body tensed up. Of course Buck would be clued in when Eddie wasn’t behaving normally. Buck knew Mondays were a little harder than most, especially with Eddie’s sessions with Frank. But looking at Buck now made it seem as though he knew more was troubling him. 

Eddie mulled over what he should say in response. He looked over Buck’s shoulder, not wanting to meet his eyes. 

“Today was a hard day,” Eddie confessed. “It was a really hard day.”

“Do you want to talk about it then?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t want to talk about it at all or you don’t want to talk about it yet? Either is fine.”

But it wasn’t. It wasn’t fine for Eddie. He should be able to talk about this. There wasn’t anything he wanted to hide from Buck. He uncurled his shoulders and sat straight up as though in preparation for a serious meeting. 

“You’re right my day was already off to a bad start, but that call we had with the kids,” Eddie stopped short, inhaling air sharply through his nose. 

“Calls with kids are always difficult, especially when they’re hurt,” Buck quietly soothed. 

“Of course they are, but usually I am more professional. Except this time I couldn’t help looking at Gabby and her siblings and thinking…” he trailed off not sure how he should continue. 

“And thinking?”

“Thinking about how it was unfair for Gabby to be left alone to take care of her siblings. It was already unsafe for the parents to leave fireworks in places easy to reach spots. But you don’t leave a twelve year-old to watch all of her younger siblings—and then get mad at her, when she did her best caring for them. She’s not an adult. She’s a child,” Eddie fervently argued. 

Buck nodded his head at him. 

“She’s a child. She’s not supposed to be acting like a parent and then getting reprimanded like a child. It’s confusing,” Eddie continued. “It’s confusing and it's unfair. Suddenly, that condescending dad came and I just…I lost it. Then the dad said it was her fault.”

Sharp laughter pierced Eddie’s statement. 

“They didn’t want to assume responsibility at all, until we twisted their arms,” Eddie bit out. “I shouldn’t have gone off like that. I know. It was unprofessional.”

Buck stared at him for a few seconds like he was gathering confidence for what he was about to say. 

“How old were you?”

“What?”

Eddie wasn’t dumb. He knew what Buck was trying to coax out of him. But he wanted more time. 

“How old were you, when you had to watch after your siblings?”

Eddie’s heart thundered in his chest, itching for a way to jump out. Eddie took a sip of his water, the ice already having melted. He wiped at the trail of water that had escaped from the corners of his lips. 

“I was twelve. My dad had gone on a business trip to Arizona. My mom was out having brunch with her friends. She told me to watch over my sisters. She’d only be gone a few hours.”

Eddie’s jaw tightened. 

“Buck, she promised it’d only be a few hours.”

“It wasn’t,” Buck continued. 

“No, it wasn’t. She lied. I asked if we could stay with our next door neighbors or one of our cousins. But my mom told me she didn’t want to bother anyone for a few hours. I could step up and be the man of the house, right?”

Eddie could see the imperceptible change in Buck’s eyes. 

“A few hours turned into five. I didn’t care at first. Sophia and Adriana were watching their cartoons. I was working on my homework. Then I heard Adriana screaming. Buck it was one of the most gut-wrenching screams I ever heard in my life.”

Eddie’s hands trembled and Buck reached out to place his hands atop of his. Eddie stared at their hands, the difference in size and color. Buck had really nice hands, slightly cold and roughly calloused. 

Eddie’s hands stopped trembling just enough for the table not to shake anymore. 

“I ran into the room and Sophia was…she was seizing. But how could I have known? That had never happened. And I froze. I fucking froze while my sister was having a seizure. I didn’t even remember to call 911. My first thought was to call my parents.”

Eddie scoffed. 

“I called them because they would know what to do. But my dad didn’t answer. My mom’s phone went straight to voicemail. Adriana was crying telling me to help her and I couldn’t. I called everyone on that emergency list and no one answered.”

“Eddie,” Buck whispered. 

“It was bad. Anytime my dad was away, I knew it was my responsibility to step up and be the protector. But my baby sister was shaking so hard. I thought she was going to die. I thought my parents were going to have to come home and see that their daughter was gone.”

Eddie removed his hands from Buck’s. Buck didn’t appear displeased by the action, but worried. Eddie didn’t deserve that affection. 

“I told Adriana to run next door to our neighbors. Mrs. Williamson was a doctor, before she retired to be a housewife. I hadn’t thought of that and only remembered, when she came bursting through our front door.”

“Sometimes in moments of panic we forget things,” Buck added. 

“Yeah, well I shouldn’t have forgotten to call 911. But Mrs. Williamson came in and started administering aid. And Samuel was right behind her. He was the one to call 911, after his mom told him to. I stayed in that room holding Adriana as she cried. Eventually the ambulance came and took her away. Mrs. Williamson drove me and Sophia to the hospital.”

There were a lot of things Eddie had to be thankful toward the Williamsons for, but that day held his deepest gratitude for their neighbors. 

“She was so sick. She was in that hospital room and I tried getting her warm because that’s the only thing I could do. My mom arrived the next day, hungover. And the first thing she did, before checking on her firstborn daughter-” Eddie broke away from finishing his statement. 

Laughter caught up with him. It was delirious in nature and rapidly becoming unhinged. 

“She yelled at me. She said my inaction could have killed Sophia. She said that Sophia’s seizure was my fault. And she couldn’t wait until my dad came home. She towered over me in her scarlet red hills. I remember them because I couldn’t look up at her and see her angry expression or smell more of the booze coming from her mouth.”

Eddie ran his hands over his face. “And she told me my dad was going to be home that night. I was terrified. I tried hiding in the hospital. No one looked for me. Why would they? But then Samuel came and found me, hiding in the small gap between the vending machines. And he told me it wasn’t my fault.”

“Of course it wasn’t your fault.”

“Yeah, I know that now. One of the things I’m working through with Frank. But back then that was the first time I heard that it wasn’t my fault. And I tried so hard to believe him. Then my dad came to the hospital and well…”

Buck’s frown deepened. 

Eddie was born to shoulder his father’s disappointments. 

Eddie recalled reading Antigone his freshman year of high school. He had become interested in the parental dynamics between Haemon and Creon. While his other classmates focused on Antigone and Haemon’s tragic love, Eddie was constructing an essay about the transgressions of a father’s disappointment. 

“Have you ever read Antigone in high school?” Eddie questioned, derailing from the conversation. 

The conversation switch looked like it put Buck through whiplash. Thankfully, Buck didn’t bring much attention to the segue into a different topic. Instead Buck shook his head, answering his previous question. “No, I didn’t.”

“Oh, it was a good play. It was written by Sophocles.”

“I’ll have to add that to my reading list.”

“You will. It’s one of my more memorable reading experiences I had, during school.”

“What, uh…what brought that up?” Buck curiously asked. 

“I don’t know.”

But he did know. He knew exactly the entrancing conversation between father and son that had caught a young Eddie Diaz’s attention. He had to memorize part of that scene for class. And he had become so interested in the way Haemon dutifully tried to honor his father. He was doing exactly what Eddie had been trying to do, since he was born. 

Haemon had spoken to his father, saying:

Yours am I, father; and you guide my steps

With your good counsels, which for my part I

Will follow closely; for there is no marriage

Shall occupy a larger place with me

Than your direction, in the path of honour. 

Haemon had placed his father’s desires above his own, not ready to bear the weight of his displeasure. He set aside his own yearnings, in order to receive his father’s honor. Eddie hadn’t known to put into words what Haemon had so eloquently spoken. 

He felt as though Haemon and him were so similar. He was fearful of his dad’s reproach. And he had only ever adhered to his dad’s strict counsel. Here was someone else who could not speak against the one who had given them life. 

However, Haemon gathered the courage to speak up against his father. Eddie had not yet mustered that strength. He had relinquished all of his agency to his dad and suffered all the more for it. 

But in that play, he could pretend Haemon’s words were his own. 

He remembered passionately reciting the lines to which Haemon directed toward his father, Creon:

Father, the gods plant reason in mankind, 

Of all good gifts the highest; and to say 

You speak not rightly in this, I lack the power;

Nor do I crave it. 

Eddie had poured over those words over and over again. He held tightly the thin pages between his hands. His lips spoke words he wished were his own. For Haemon had stood up and told his father he was a prideful man that needed to let go of his anger and relent to change. His father, as long as he should live, should always be susceptible to change and gaining wisdom. 

Eddie’s Antigone copy had more signs of use than his classmates. His teacher had applauded his memorization skills and had given him a 95 on his final essay. Eddie wanted to thank her for introducing this play into his library. 

His mom later sold his copy of Antigone to Half-Price Books store, when she was doing their annual spring cleaning. He didn't know why she did that. It was kept on his shelf, propped between his sixth-grade spelling bee trophy and his paperback novel of The Outsiders . 

Eddie didn’t buy another copy to replace it. But now he thought it would be nice to re-read it. Perhaps his outlook on the story would have changed. Maybe instead of only reading into the father-son dynamics, he might actually analyze the relationship between Antigone and Haemon. 

“Anyways,” he said, waving the story away, “I was caught up in memories. Everything was brought up to the surface, due to therapy today and meeting up with Samuel for coffee.”

Buck’s eyebrows shot up. “You met up with Samuel?”

Eddie nodded. “Yeah, and it was awkward. I didn’t go into it thinking it wouldn’t be. But…yeah.”

Eddie could tell Buck wanted to know more. But Eddie wasn’t sure he had more to give. 

“I could tell things were off. Honestly, I didn’t think you were going to take him up on his offer to catch up.”

“I wasn’t.”

“What changed?” Buck curiously implored. 

And what did change? 

What happened in that short car ride from the banquet hall all the way to his house that made Eddie decide to meet up with Samuel? He didn’t need closure. He was fine with how things ended. Okay, he wasn’t fine with how things ended. But he had finally resolved to never think about certain things in his past. 

He had moved on. 

“We were friends…no…more…I but not. We weren’t like that. Sometimes…I…I don’t know. And he’s back and it’s just a lot. He wants to talk, but I can’t. I don’t know how-”

“Breathe,” Buck tenderly instructed, seeing the panic rise in Eddie’s shoulders. “Eddie, you don’t have to tell me anything you’re not ready for.”

It was as though Eddie had swallowed a piece of sandpaper with how his throat started to close up. He tore apart the straw paper into small shreds and started stacking them atop of one another. He kept rearranging the pieces, eventually grabbing Buck’s discarded straw paper. His body felt unsettled and he needed his hands to do something, to stop the tremors. 

“I know. But I want to.”

“You will, whenever you’re ready. And I’ll be right here, ready to listen. Do you…want to meet him again?”

“Would that be weird?” Eddie questioned, hoping that Buck would give him an answer. 

“Not if that’s what you want. Is that what you want?” Buck asked, dipping his head lower to look at Eddie. 

“Today felt strange. I wouldn’t want to meet up with him alone. I’d need some sort of buffer. It sounds bad.”

“No, it doesn’t sound bad at all.”

“He asked me to meet up again, preferably when I didn’t have to go to work immediately after.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. I might have scheduled it that way on purpose. And then he texted me later, suggesting we meet up for dinner sometime this week. I don’t want to have dinner and conversation be weird and stilted.”

Buck nodded his head in agreement. “Okay, if you want to meet up with him again with a buffer…how about a double date?”

“A double date?”

“It could help to have other people around. It didn’t seem like you two were on friendly terms, maybe that’s why meeting up for coffee today was a difficult ice breaker.”

“We didn’t leave things off great.”

“Any reason I should be concerned?”

“No. But you’re right, a double date…but it wouldn’t be a date. It would be hanging out with friends. I’d…it’s not a date.”

“Don’t worry. I only phrased it like that because of me and Tommy. It can be a chill hangout, introducing him to two of your friends. I’m ready to help you anytime you need. Just say the word.”

“Okay, let me text him first and see if that’s okay.”

Eddie sent off a text to him. And who on earth replied at the speed at which Samuel did? Because not even a second later did he reply that he’s down for Eddie’s friends to tag along to dinner. Eddie wondered if Samuel knew that was the only way he was going to see Eddie. 

“Samuel said he’s okay with that.”

“What day were you thinking of going? If you want to schedule it soon, I can swing the idea with Tommy for this weekend. He has the whole weekend off. Saturday would probably work best for me because I’m babysitting Jee on Sunday. You have an idea of where you want to go? Or do you want to wait and see closer to the day?”

“No, I don’t really have any ideas,” Eddie replied. 

“You want to go to our Italian place? Might be good to go somewhere familiar.”

“Oh, yes that would work. Saturday is good for me too. I’ll check in with Samuel. Let him know the plans.”

“Great, I’ll pass the info along to Tommy. It’ll be fun.”

“I hope so.”

“Don’t worry. We’ll create a signal. Anytime you feel uncomfortable, just give me the signal and I’ll help out.” 

“Thanks Buck. I really appreciate it,” Eddie genuinely stated, hoping it got across to Buck just how thankful he really was for his help. 

“Anytime,” Buck smiled. “Now do you have room for ice cream because we passed up this ice cream truck that does the whole shaved ice thing.”

“Yeah, Buck. Let’s go get some ice cream,” Eddie laughed. “I’ll even pay.”

“Eddie Diaz, you spoil me,” Buck teased, getting up to throw away their trash. “Alright, let’s go get some ice cream. I wonder what flavors they have.”

Eddie got up and followed him. He didn’t know what came over him, but he wanted to be nearer to Buck. He wanted to hear his words, pressed closer against his skin. That could be the only reason he decided to loop his arm through Buck’s. In Buck’s defense, he froze for a second then relaxed. 

The two had walked closely before and to be fairly honest this wasn’t the closest they had been. Yet something felt different. Maybe it was the stares they got from people walking around them. Eddie had the insight to start to pull away, but Buck only pulled him closer. 

He knew he was overthinking things. No one was paying close mindful attention to them, but he couldn’t help but to feel observed—like “Calamity’s Besotted Lover.” 

And suddenly Eddie kept hearing Buck saying the word beautiful like an incessant drum beat against his thoughts. He tried letting it go, but he couldn’t. 

He wanted to know why he said it and whether he meant it. 

They were only a few stops from the ice cream truck, when Eddie blurted out, “Why did you say I’m beautiful?”

Buck’s eyes widened, cheeks flushing a shade of pink to rival the strawberry ice cream that was being scooped out and handed to a young girl. 

“Why did you say I’m beautiful?” Eddie repeated, softer and pleading this time.

“Because you are,” Buck stated as if that was enough of an answer. “And because going off of your expression, I think you haven’t heard it often enough.”

“Okay,” Eddie rasped. 

“Is that okay? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I mean men can be beautiful. They are very beautiful. I mean…come on you’ve gotta know how good you look. I’m pretty sure I heard the song, Whatta Man, play in my mind the first time I saw you.”

Eddie laughed, pushing away Buck. “No, it did not.” 

Buck smiled widely. “I’m serious. I was one second away from agreeing with Hen, when she said that you’re a beautiful man. But I couldn’t get over my jealousy fast enough to admit it. Then we became friends and…it’s actually strange I haven’t complimented you like that before. I’m letting go of learned behavior—that didn’t notice I had— of compliments being gendered. But…if you’re uncomfortable because friends don’t normally-”

“I’m not uncomfortable,” Eddie rushed to get out, before the rest of the sentence fell from Buck’s lips. 

He didn’t want Buck thinking Eddie never wanted him to call him beautiful again. He had to quickly shut that down. He wanted it so much it was unnerving. 

“Good,” Buck grinned, as they stepped closer to the ice cream truck. 

“Good,” Eddie repeated, feeling his lips stretch into a smile. 

Then the other words caught up to him. 

Friends don’t normally…

He was thankful he interrupted Buck, before he had a chance to finish the sentence. 

Friends don’t normally what? 

Now instead of hearing Buck’s voice calling him beautiful circulate endlessly in his mind, he was going to hear the sentence that was abruptly cut off. 

Friends don’t normally…

And oh…

Oh. 

Eddie could feel his heart drop to the bottom of his stomach. His arm felt heavy as it was looped between Buck’s. His steps felt weighted, as they walked closer to the truck. 

Buck began ordering ice cream, already knowing Eddie’s order. 

And no…

No. 

This couldn’t be happening, not here and at this moment. He couldn’t  turn to face Buck as he pulled him closer to see how the ice cream was being made. All he could think about was that this friendship with Buck had inched closer and closer to something Eddie was not yet ready to question. 

Stupid Frank. 

Stupid PhD degreed and heavily awarded therapist Frank. 

He was fine with how things were in his friendship. But now there he was questioning things because of Frank. 

Eddie was beginning to think Frank had something against him. 

Because this week’s homework was going to rip him apart.

Chapter Text

Met you at the dive bar to go shoot some pool

And make fun of the cowboys with neck tattoos

I ask you easy questions about work and school

I’m trying to be cool about it

Feeling like an absolute fool about it

Wishing you were kind enough to be cruel about it

Telling myself I can always do without it

Knowing that it probably isn’t true

I came prepared for absolution, if you’d only ask

So I take some offense when you say, “No regrets”

I remember it’s impossible to pass your test

But I’m trying to forget about it

Feeling like I’m breaking a sweat about it

Wishing you would kindly get out of my head about it

Knowing that it probably isn’t true

Once, I took your medication to know what it’s like

And now I have to act like I can’t read your mind

I ask you how you’re doing, and I let you lie

But we don’t have to talk about it

I can walk you home and practice method acting

I’ll pretend being with you doesn’t feel like drowning

Telling you, “It’s nice to see how good you’re doing”

Even though we know it isn't true

Cool About It, boygenius

The bell rang, signaling that school was over for the day. Fourth grade was shaping up to be one of his best years. He loved his new teacher and his classmates were nice. He was glad he wasn’t put in Mr. Dinkle’s class because those students were the worst. One of them drew on the wall, when Mr. Dinkle had a substitute cover his class. 

The rest of Eddie’s classmates cleaned up their space. Miss Kasey wouldn’t dismiss them, until the floors were clean and their chairs were brought back to their desks. It was reading Wednesday, so the chairs had been everywhere. 

Eddie moved his chair away from the reading nook. It was conveniently positioned by the window overlooking the school playground. He could already see parents line up in their cars, ready to pick up their kids. 

Eddie began packing his things into his backpack. He placed his colored pencils, which he had used to color his United States map, into his pencil bag. 

Miss Kasey dismissed the students walking home. Eddie wondered why car riders and walkers always got dismissed first.  Eddie had to wait a bit for his bus number to be called. There were only three people in his class that drove the same bus. 

Eddie sat down by the door as he waited for the person on the intercom speaker to tell him he could leave. 

“Eddie, may you come here for a second?” Miss Kasey quietly asked him. 

Eddie stood up from the floor and went to Miss Kasey’s desk. She handed him a worksheet, which had just been graded. Eddie took it, seeing the big C+ written in red. There wasn’t a smiley face sticker placed by his name this time. Eddie always got stickers. His favorite stickers were the scented ones. 

He didn’t know why she was giving him back his paper early. Nor did he know why his grade was so low. 

It was a career worksheet. That week’s lesson covered different careers all across the world. The worksheet had questions about their respective dream career. Eddie thought he answered everything perfectly. Guess he hadn’t. 

He turned his eyes upward to face his teacher. His teacher took off her glasses and folded them in her shirt pocket. 

“I was a little confused by the career you chose Eddie. You answered the questions in full thought out sentences. However, the prompt was to choose a career. That’s where you lost points.”

“I wrote about a career,” Eddie helpfully replied. 

“Well, not exactly. You wrote that you wanted to be the man of the house.”

“I do,” Eddie commented, confused over what Miss Kasey was going on about. 

“Eddie, that's not a career. A career is a doctor, dancer, teacher, firefighter, and more. It’s a job. We discussed this in our lessons over careers.”

“That’s what I want to be when I grow up,” Eddie explained. “I don’t want to be a doctor, firefighter, or anything else. I want to be the man.”

Miss Kasey squinted her eyes. “Okay, Eddie. Hmm, okay. A career is an occupation. You work and you get paid. The man, is not an occupation you can make money from.”

“I get an allowance.”

“Eddie, that’s not the same thing. Surely, there’s some job you’ve seen in a cartoon or maybe there’s a job one of your family members have that you’d be interested in pursuing.”

“My dad is the man of the house. I want that job."

“Eddie, that's not a job. Think harder. What else do you want to be, Eddie?” Miss Kasey frustratingly questioned. “There are so many things you can become.”

The intercom crackled to life, saving him from having to think harder on what Miss Kasey was saying.

“Bus riders on 104 and 110, your bus is here. Bus riders on 104 and 110, your bus is here,” the secretary repeated. 

“I have to go. I can’t miss my bus,” Eddie said. 

Miss Kasey sighed. “I want you to think about this more, Eddie. I want you to re-do the assignment and this time actually pick a career. And we’ll see about changing that C+ into something better."

Eddie stuffed the worksheet into his backpack. “Yes, ma’am.”

Miss Kasey clearly didn’t know what she was talking about. He’d re-do the assignment, but only because he wanted a better grade before the parent-teacher conference. 

Saturday came upon him quicker than expected. Now Eddie was trying to hurriedly get out of the shower and get dressed for this double date. 

No. 

It wasn’t a double date. 

It was a hangout between friends. 

Would it be too late to cancel? 

No, it was never too late to pretend to have food poisoning. 

Problem was he doubted anyone would believe him. 

“I can do this. It’ll be fine. Just pretend you’re not meeting up with a friend you haven’t spoken to in nearly a decade. It’ll be fine,” Eddie hyped himself up. “It’s going to be so chill. Doesn’t matter that you came up with the brilliant idea to make it a double date, even though this isn’t a date.”

He gave himself a pep talk in the mirror, running his hands through his hair. He opened his bathroom cabinet, looking at his hair products. 

He didn’t want the weight of the pomade and he didn’t want the shininess of hair gel. Also he didn’t want to spend a lot of time coaxing his hair into the right position. This wasn’t a date. He didn’t need to go all in with his hair grooming. 

He let his hair curl naturally. However, he did dry his damp hair with some manipulation from a blow dryer Sophia left behind, when she helped their abuela pack for her move back to El Paso. 

He pushed a strand of hair behind his ear, the strands growing longer, since he hadn’t been to his barber in a bit. He made the habit of going, whenever Christopher went. It made things easier on his schedule. But now those trips to the barber were removed from his calendar. 

He let the thought fall away from his mind as he continued getting ready. 

He looked at his cologne, debating which one he should spray on. He didn’t have many options. He was fine with the five cologne bottles he had. In fact, two of his colognes were gifts from Buck. One was a birthday present. And he had gotten another one because Buck said it was part of a buy one get one 25% off sale. 

Eddie didn’t have it in his heart to tell him that it was a scam. Retailers knew shoppers went in expecting to buy one thing and wound up spending more than they planned. 

His hand hovered over the different glass bottles. There was one that was nearly empty. It was his favorite. He really needed to buy a replacement soon. Though he would have to ask Buck where he had gotten it. Because he had tried so hard looking for it online and going into different department stores—without any luck of locating the cologne. 

He decided he didn’t want to waste any more of that cologne and settled on one he had bought. The smell of bergamot and mahogany stuck to the steam of the bathroom, falling in mists around Eddie’s body. 

It was a light enough scent where it wouldn’t seem like he was doing too much—because he wasn’t. This was going to be a super casual dinner. 

Eddie shook his head, ridding himself of the quickly developing headache. It was too confusing to make sense of this double date. Buck should have talked him out of it. 

When Samuel asked to meet up again, his first thought should have been to have lunch on a day where he didn’t have therapy or work. But then that brought the fact he would have to be in a setting alone with Samuel. 

He wasn’t ready for that. 

“Buck will be there,” Eddie soothed, jumping into his acid washed jeans. The thought of Buck’s presence made him feel a little more at peace. 

He let out a few calming breaths. He had to go into Christopher’s room, since his room had the only full-sized length mirror in the house. Christopher insisted that he needed the full length mirror to check his “fits.” Eddie didn’t try understanding the reasoning, but that’s because he also spent most of his life getting ready in the dark. 

Christopher said that’s probably the reason behind his more questionable fashion choices. On some occasions, he thought he saw Christopher trying to throw away some of his henleys. He had asked him a long time ago where his favorite black henley had gone missing. But he had only been eight at the time. Surely, he wasn’t making a career of stealing his dad’s clothes to put in the trash? 

Had his life of thievery started at a young age?

He partly had his abuela to blame. Sometimes he came home to the two of them watching 30 Day Makeover , where the fashion experts went into their clients' closet and threw things away. Christopher had gotten inspired. 

He was momentarily distracted looking at the cap and gown that was still hung up on Christopher’s closet door. Eddie had carefully steamed the graduation robes, excited to see Christopher walk across the stage for his 8th grade graduation. Christopher had been talking for weeks about how happy he was to be graduating 8th grade. 

Eddie ruined that experience for him.

Christopher left the day before his 8th grade graduation. He wasn’t able to say goodbye to the classmates he wouldn’t see next year, because they were attending a different high school. He didn’t get the opportunity to be handed his 8th grade certificate. Christopher even got awarded, “Brightest Smile.”

Eddie placed the golden plastic trophy on his dresser alongside the certificate. 

He had rid his son of a once in a lifetime experience. 

He didn’t even think he deserved to text Christopher. But he told himself the worst that could happen was that Christopher didn’t respond to the text. And there were many unanswered texts in their thread. 

He took a picture of himself, turning his camera to the full length mirror so it could capture his entire outfit. Then he sent the picture to Christopher, with a text asking, “Does this look good?” 

He pocketed his phone, not expecting a text. But when his phone chimed, he rushed to take it out of his jeans pocket…with a little difficulty because the jeans had become a little tighter due to Eddie coming to work earlier and hitting the gym up. 

He opened up the text message thread. 

It was a meme of a person wincing. Then underneath the meme, Christopher attached a color palette of dark colors with an “X” covering all of the different shades. He could take the hint. It was the summer. Maybe he could introduce more bright colors into his wardrobe. 

Eddie smirked and ran to his closet, happy that Christopher had at the very least responded via memes and pictures. He grabbed another shirt. This time he picked a mint green t-shirt and threw a denim jacket over it. He took another picture and sent it to Christopher. 

He sat on Christopher’s bed, waiting for a response. He tapped his foot against the carpet. Eventually, Christopher sent an image of some celebrity clapping. He smiled—a weight sliding off his shoulder. 

“Thanks,” he wrote back. 

Any other time he knew Christopher would be asking where he was going and who he was going with. But Eddie wasn’t going to complain. At least this time, the response was more than a thumbs up or thumbs down reaction to his text. 

Besides, Christopher and Eddie shared each other’s location with one another for safety purposes. If Christopher wanted to know where Eddie was, he could easily find out. 

With his son’s approval of his outfit choice, he took one last lingering look at himself in the mirror. Satisfied, he left his room and made sure to close Christopher's door behind him. 

He did one more check of the house, making sure all the doors were locked. Buck had gotten him to get some people to install a home alarm system in January. Eddie was on the fence about it at first. He had seen the horror stories of criminals hacking into people’s Ring cameras and other security systems. 

Understanding Eddie’s apprehension, Buck got in touch with the same people who did  the security in his loft. It was a smaller company, but Buck trusted them. Buck said he wanted to make sure they were safe. So for Buck’s peace of mind, he let them install the security device for his home. And the camera would only show outside of Eddie’s front door and the back door leading to the backyard.

But he still had to do his check and sometimes if he was feeling on edge, he would blackout the camera next to his doorbell. 

After Eddie locked up and turned on his security-alarm system, he headed out to his truck. He hopped in and turned on the ignition. He put down his visor, blocking his eyes from the powerful rays of the sun. There were still a few hours until sunset. Eddie had wanted to do an early dinner because a late dinner felt serious. 

Eddie was the first to arrive at the Italian restaurant. Originally, they had planned on going to their favorite Italian family-owned restaurant. Then Eddie felt off about bringing new people to a spot that was his and Buck’s. He didn’t know he could feel possessive over a restaurant, but the more he thought about bringing Samuel and Tommy there—the more weird he felt. 

Surprisingly, Buck felt the same. In fact, after sitting down to eat their ice cream he had told Eddie that maybe they should try out a different restaurant. Eddie had readily agreed. 

Buck was still in the mood for Italian, so they opted to look at their steadily increasing list of restaurants to visit. They figured they could knock this one off the list. Ravi had been the one to tell them about this restaurant. He had come with a group of friends and loved the place. He couldn’t stop talking about their bread rolls for days. 

Should this evening go down the drain, hopefully the food would be enough to get rid of any lingering bitterness. 

He made the reservations and thought it would be best to make sure their table was ready. Of course his early arrival didn’t matter, when the hostess said she couldn’t seat them until all of his party arrived. Eddie nodded his head in understanding and went to take a seat, while waiting for the other three members of his party. 

It took only fifteen minutes for Tommy and Buck to stroll in. Eddie stood up, greeting Tommy with a handshake. He hadn’t seen Tommy in what seemed like forever, since he had met up with them for brunch. He didn’t care though. 

It’s not that he didn’t care about hanging out with Tommy. Because Tommy was a cool dude. It’s just every time they hung out, Tommy kept bringing up Buck—which was completely fine.

Eddie could never hear enough about Buck. He could talk about him for even longer. So that wasn’t the problem.

The problem was it always felt like he was having to correct Tommy’s perception of Buck. Every time he said something, he had the urge to correct, “Actually, Buck-”

And Eddie didn’t have that right. Perhaps Tommy knew Buck in a different way that only a partner could. But goodness gracious alive, he wished Tommy would stop calling him Evan. 

However, he was choosing to let his whirling emotions die down. He should be thankful Tommy agreed to go on this double date. He was doing a nice thing for him. He was a good person. He was…Eddie just needed to get his mind and heart to believe what he told himself. 

“Hey, man.”

“Hey, good to see you. It’s been awhile,” Tommy smiled, tightening his grip in the handshake before relaxing. “Work must be keeping you busy, huh?”

“Yeah, I haven't really had time to hang out much,” Eddie said, wincing at how fake that sounded. He wasn’t foolish enough to believe that Tommy didn’t know Buck and Eddie shared almost identical schedules. 

“Eddie’s been busy,” Buck helpfully covered.  

He had indeed not been busy, but Eddie appreciated the excuse. 

“So who are we waiting for?” Tommy questioned, sitting by Eddie. Buck sat next to Tommy and leaned over to still be in Eddie’s eyesight. “Buck told me this was a double date. I thought you had just broken up with Marisol. More power to you though for getting back out there.”

“We did break-up. And it’s not a date date. It’s…it’s just…I had this old friend from back home. We lost contact a long time ago. He wanted to meet up, but I thought it’d be too awkward.”

“Ah, you needed a buffer,” Tommy reflected. 

“Exactly. And we’re going to be the greatest buffers ever. Wait! We never came up with our signal in case things are going south. I need to know when I should fake choking on a breadstick,” Buck whispered, looking around to make sure Samuel hadn’t suddenly appeared. 

“With your luck you would actually wound up choking,” Eddie teased. 

“Don’t be mad that I’m a method actor. Okay, here’s the plan. Moment you feel things going south, tap me with your foot. I’ll sit in front of you.”

“How do you know we’ll be seated in a spot where we can sit in front of one another?”

“Doesn’t matter. Tap me on the foot or shin. I got you.” Buck was saying it light heartedly, but his expression gave way to the severity of his plan. 

“Sounds good.”

The three of them continued talking, most of it full of work related topics. Samuel texted him saying he was stuck in traffic, but would be there in the next ten minutes. He should’ve warned him about the traffic there, but figured Samuel would have planned accordingly. 

He didn’t have to wait long because true to his word Samuel arrived ten minutes later. Samuel spotted Eddie, eyes softening. He hadn’t taken much time to look every single way that Samuel had grown over the years. At the banquet, he was too busy trying not to panic. 

But here, he could focus on all the more subtle ways in which he had grown. Eddie had known Samuel on the cusp of adulthood. There weren’t many changes physically speaking. Even the small changes he recognized at the banquet, seemed even smaller upon closer inspection. 

Those eyes were still as enthralling as ever. His smile still favored tilting a little more to the right side of his face. The freckles that appeared fleetingly and sparingly, increased their numbers. But it added a charm to his face. 

Samuel pulled Eddie into a hug and Eddie tensed up, before awkwardly tapping Samuel on the back. Samuel coughed awkwardly, sensing the same tension. A muted flush spread across his cheeks and he turned his attention to the two, who were waiting for introductions. 

“Ah, sorry. Samuel this is Tommy and Buck,” Eddie introduced, gesturing to each respective person. 

Samuel held out his hand for them to shake. “It’s nice to meet you both.”

“You as well,” Tommy said. 

Buck looked at Samuel, smiling thinly. “Nice to meet you again.”

The two of them stared at one another, a second too long to be considered normal. Eddie saw the way Buck looked over Samuel, the way he did whenever he was trying to pick apart a scene they were called to. Likewise Samuel was doing that thing where his eyes narrowed in amusement at something that wasn’t entirely funny. 

“I’m going to let them know our whole party is here,” Eddie murmured, wanting to sidestep whatever strange look off was happening between Buck and Samuel. 

The hostess began gathering their menus. She told them to follow her to their table. Eddie motioned to the others and followed the hostess. 

Buck came behind him, settling a hand against his lower back. Eddie started to sink into the touch then became alert once he knew what he was doing. Buck only pressed firmer, thinking that Eddie’s reaction was due to stress. 

“Remember, foot tap.”

“Foot tap three times. Don’t want to do it accidentally and have you choke on a breadstick for nothing.” 

The hostess led them to a booth with just enough leg room to comfortably stretch his foot out and give a tentative tap against Buck’s foot. Buck looked up from where the hostess had been handing out their menus. He nodded his head and went back to looking over the menu. 

A short minute later, their waiter came to their table. He pulled out his small notepad and pen. “Good evening, my name is Wren. I will be your waiter for this evening. Can I get you started with any drinks?”

“I'll have a sweet tea,” Samuel said. 

“I’ll have water with lemon,” Eddie told the waiter. 

“I’ll take water with lemon as well,” Tommy added. 

“Raspberry lemonade for me,” Buck said to Wren. 

Wren nodded his head, “Perfect. I’ll be right back with your drinks.”

The rush from a late night crowd hadn’t come in yet. Things were still relatively quiet, save for the four of them trying to create conversation. 

“So what do you do?” Tommy questioned, breaking the first seal of silence. 

“I’m the CEO of a non-profit called Georgia Haven, named after my mom. Started it up with an army buddy of mine, two years after I was discharged.”

“Oh, I heard about that from some of my army buddies. Heard you’ve been doing great work.”

Samuel smiled, taking in the praise. “Thank you. I’m glad that we’re able to expand to more states outside of Texas now.”

They continued talking about their respective careers, until Wren stopped by their table with their drinks. He set them in front of them and asked, “Alright, now would you all like to get started on any appetizers?”

Tommy and Samuel shrugged, but Buck slid his menu over to Eddie.  

“What do you think about getting these stuffed bell peppers? They look pretty good to try.”

“I’m down to try it,” Eddie agreed, looking at the ingredients. 

“We’ll get the-” Buck started, but turned back to face Tommy who had reached out his hand to place it on his shoulder. 

“Don’t you think Samuel and I might want to be a part of the appetizer decision?” Tommy asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Samuel looked startled, being brought up. “Oh, no. I’m fine-”

“Oh, sorry. Are you good with that?” he questioned Samuel and Tommy. 

“Yeah, that sounds fine.”

“Sure.”

“Sounds good. I will bring that out for you and also bring out a bowl of salad and some breadsticks.”

“Are there vegan options for the breadsticks?” Eddie asked, perusing the menu and looking at the bread selection. 

“Yes, we can have some brought out to you on a separate plate.”

“Thanks,” Eddie said, smiling at Wren. 

“Of course. Will you all be needing any more time to look at the menu or are you all ready to order?” Wren asked them. 

Eddie looked around the table, picking up on who was ready and who was not. He already knew Buck had narrowed down his options and had more than likely made his decision. Tommy and Samuel were still looking through the menu. 

“Just a little more time,” he told Wren.

“Sounds good. I’ll bring out the appetizers, bread, and salad for you.”

Wren walked away from their table and Eddie turned back his menu. 

Buck sank down into the booth, playing with the paper from his straw. “Sorry. Usually when I go out, I order appetizers for me and Eddie.”

“You two eat out a lot together?” Samuel implored, turning his head to Eddie. 

“Yeah, but most times we eat with Christopher,” Buck told him. 

“Christopher? That’s your son right? How old is he now?” Samuel asked him. 

Buck frowned, scrunching up his face. He could only imagine what Buck’s thoughts sounded like. He could see the indignation on his face at the idea someone wouldn’t know Christopher, Eddie’s favorite person in the world. 

But he couldn’t fault Samuel. The only thing he left in his letter was that he had welcomed the birth of his son. He hadn’t mentioned his name. At the time Christopher was only a small 2x2 baby picture, hidden in Eddie’s wallet. 

“He’ll be turning fourteen in December,” Eddie told him. 

His natural instinct was to pull out his phone and proudly show off his son. But he didn’t feel comfortable sharing this part of his life with him. Samuel had lost all privileges to know the life Eddie lived. 

Samuel saw with clarity just how much of Eddie’s life he missed.

“Wow, fourteen. That’s such a fun age,” Samuel smiled. “Man the stories I could tell.”

For what it was worth, Eddie had spent so much of his early teenage years creating fun memories with Samuel. It was true. So much life between them was shared. They had grown up together.

They rode bikes together, chasing after the ice cream truck. Eddie had gotten his first bike, after Christmas. It was a new red bike. His Tio Paco had gifted it to him, after he complained that Sophia and Adriana had gotten a toy jeep. 

At eleven he was too old for toy cars, but a bike was perfect. Samuel had only gotten a hand-me-down bikes from his brother. So he had let Samuel ride his bike, while he rode his sister’s purple glitter bike. 

They went on their first chaperone free trip to the mall. Samuel bought him a heart shaped golden necklace from some mall vendor, who scammed two unwitting kids into buying cheap jewelry for $30. Eddie had worn that necklace everyday for his entire eighth grade year. He had worn it until the gold covering peeled off to a rusted charcoal gray. 

They had taken firecrackers from the Williamson shed and set them off in Eddie’s backyard. His mom’s flower bushes had suffered and Eddie wound up with a bruise on his elbow. He twisted the wrong way in his dad’s grasp and the belt buckle had hit the fragile skin over his arm. But Samuel had come over the next day with a bag of cold peas and frozen funpops. 

Everything between them was good and perfect. Samuel was his best friend, the one he held close in his dreams. He was the one who knew him in better ways and more ways than his own family ever could. He was the reason behind every smile and all of his laughter. 

But when it was bad, man it was bad. In spite of the bad times, they always came back to each other, apologies on both of their lips. Then Samuel said what he said in that hospital room. The bad turned into the unforgivable. And no apology worth a thousand words could build back up what was so recklessly torn down. 

Eddie had waited for an apology, in the form of a letter or an email. He learned to stop expecting anything from Samuel, when he never got an acknowledgment from him that what he said was hurtful and wrong. 

“Yeah, we had a lot of them,” Eddie choose to say, instead of bringing up the bad memories. 

He wouldn’t publicly air out their dirty laundry. 

“Good times. But I see things have changed, since we were kids. I mean…when and why on earth did you become a vegan? You used to eat so much brisket at the summer barbecues. Can’t imagine you not enjoying a good ‘ole steak from a fire pit grill,” Samuel pondered. 

Eddie’s mouth watered thinking about it. Great, not only was he missing his son. But now he was remembering how much he missed a good barbecue. California tried making good barbecue. They really did. Their tries were very commendable. But they didn’t have anything on Texas, especially coming from a Texas raised boy. 

Eddie waved him off. “No, Buck’s a vegan. Trust me. I still enjoy barbecue.”

“We’ll have to get some, when I’m down here. Though I bet it’s nothing like Alberta’s BBQ.”

Eddie held up the napkin to his face, to stop himself from salivating. “Don’t get me started on Alberta’s. When I went back home, I took Christopher there. Had to show him what barbecue is supposed to taste like.”

“Man, I nearly asked the owner to see if they can open up a franchise. It makes no sense, only El Paso gets that.”

“But that’s always the best. When things start franchising the food quality goes down.”

“Aht aht, don’t you go there Eddie,” Samuel laughed, turning more into Eddie’s space. There wasn’t enough room for them to stretch, so Samuel’s leg pressed against his. Samuel had moved his arm to rest behind the headrest of the booth…conveniently right behind Eddie’s neck. 

Eddie controlled the way his body wanted to tense up. Instead he continued on by saying, “I didn’t even say anything, but if it’s your first thought…hey.”

“Whataburger’s production did not go down.”

Eddie raised his shoulder. “It didn’t go up.”

“Now, you’re just pulling my leg. Next thing you’re going to say is In-N-Out is better.”

Eddie stayed silent, mouth tilting upward. 

“Eddie! That’s just wrong on so many levels,” Samuel chuckled. “Next time you go home, you need to reacquaint your taste buds with some good food. Clearly, California isn’t feeding you right.”

“And clearly you’ve been eating right,” Eddie responded, reaching out to press against Samuel’s other arm, not currently occupying the space behind Eddie. “Who would’ve known you would grow into your height?”

Samuel flexed his arm muscle, before Eddie drew back. “Excuse you. I had a good build by my freshman year. Not my fault you were always wanting to catch up to me in the height department. Still didn’t quite catch up either.” 

“I’ll have you know. I am six feet tall, thank you very much.”

Samuel raised an eyebrow at him. “Alright, cowboy.”

It was easy to slip back into this friendship. If they could pretend everything after Eddie’s enlistment never happened, maybe they had a chance at salvaging this friendship. 

“Cowboy?” Buck said, interrupting their back and forth. 

Eddie turned his attention over to Buck, who was staring at them both with an expression Eddie couldn’t place. He wondered if he was recalling how he had called him cowboy at the farmer’s market. 

Evan , he childishly mocked. He hadn’t said anything—out loud—when Tommy called Buck by his legal name. He held his tongue. 

“Oh, it’s an old nickname. Don’t even know why or when it started? Do you remember?” Samuel started. 

“No, not really.” 

“It might’ve started when your parents drove us to your abuelo’s ranch. Think I saw you in that cowboy hat, tending to the chickens and the name stuck.”

“Nicknames are fun, especially when they have a nice and sentimental reason behind it,” Tommy said, speaking for the first time since they ordered their food. 

Then why don’t you use your boyfriend’s nickname, the small berating voice that rested on his shoulder snarled. 

Samuel looked at Buck. “So you’re a vegan? Phew, man you wouldn’t survive in Texas. Texas basically runs on the meat industry. Except maybe Austin, there’s a few good vegan spots there. And Dallas is starting to have a few vegan spots pop up.”

“I keep telling him he’s missing out,” Tommy added, then attached a salacious wink to his smile, “But there’s other ways he can get meat in his diet.”

Eddie almost gagged. Even Samuel turned to him and scrunched up his face. Buck smoothly slid an inch further from Tommy, eyes looking at the rest of the restaurant that was slowly filling up with people. Tommy coughed into his napkin and took a sip of water, having enough social awareness to know he had brought this newfound awkwardness to their table. 

“I mean I only became a vegan in more recent years. I could’ve survived in Texas. I worked on a ranch once,” Buck told him, hoping to bring the conversation back to safer territory. “I ate barbecue.”

“Buck, that whole experience is why you became vegan in the first place,” Eddie laughed. 

“You worked on a ranch?” Tommy questioned. 

Buck’s eyes widened like he had forgotten to tell him. “Yeah, for a few months when I was backpacking around the world.”

“You traveled around the world,” Samuel said leaning forward. “That’s amazing. I always tell people they should explore outside the confines of their hometown. Where was your favorite place that you visited?”

And that was another reason why Eddie had deeply held Samuel in kind regards. Samuel was such a good person. He knew how to talk to people. That’s why Eddie was content that Samuel had many friends even if he was Eddie’s only friend. Samuel told him they were best friends. He assured Eddie that he was several ranks above his football teammates and the friends he sometimes hung out with on the weekend. 

Buck and Samuel talked about all the places they had traveled. Eddie was fine listening to the two of them converse. He realized how easy this could all be and then was angry at how this had been stolen from him. 

He could’ve had a life where his two best friends could talk to one another. Maybe there was another life where he still stayed friends with Samuel and met Buck somewhere down the line, maybe he had come to work on his abuelo’s ranch during his world travels. 

But then maybe there was a life where Eddie had never met Buck. 

Eddie would never choose a life where he would have to sacrifice his friendship with Buck, for more time with Samuel. 

Eddie took a sip of his water, looking at Samuel and then at Buck. Samuel paused what he was saying to take a sip of his drink. Samuel’s nose scrunched up and Eddie couldn’t help but to laugh. Samuel turned to him, waving a finger in his direction then to the cup of sweet tea as though it offended him. 

“You did this on purpose.”

Eddie chuckled, knocking his shoulder into Samuel’s. “Should’ve warned you the sweet teas out here aren’t like the ones in Texas.”

By then their water had come out with their appetizer, salad, and bread. He set their stuff on the table between them and took out his notepad. 

“Alright, are you all ready to order?” 

They all nodded their heads in agreement and listed out what they wanted to eat. After the waiter took their order, they were once again left to fill the silence with conversation. 

“You know what, I'm surprised Eddie had a childhood friend,” Buck mused, spinning his fork around his pasta. “To be honest I always assumed him and Sharon were one of those couples who only existed in their bubble.”

Eddie shot him an offended glare. It wasn’t his fault that Buck had come to that assumption. 

“No offense,” Buck quickly added, mouth closing around his spoon. 

“None taken,” Eddie said, glaring at his bread. 

The double date had yet to set into a state of awkwardness, besides that joke from Tommy. Maybe things would be fine after all.  Samuel lifted his shoulder, the fabric of his leather jacket scratching against Eddie’s denim jacket. 

“We have our moms to thank for our friendship,” Samuel stated, seeing that Eddie wasn’t keen to say anything. 

Because Eddie knew Buck. He would want to know all the reasons as to why Eddie never brought him up. And Samuel was one of the many chapters he closed, when he left El Paso. Nobody outside of his small town knew Eddie as one half of a duo. It was better that way. 

It was easier to forget their friendship. 

It was easier to forget him. 

But here he was having to explain to his best friend of almost seven years, who this person sitting opposite of him was. Huh, Buck and him had been friends for almost the same amount of time he and Samuel had. 

Eddie was determined to make his and Buck’s friendship last ‘til he was old and gray.

It was good right now, settling into old habits. It was in part due to the natural camaraderie that a ten year friendship could create. He needed this to continue for however long it would take them to finish this meal. 

“There weren’t a lot of boys in the neighborhood around my age. And I’m the youngest of five with a considerable age gap between me and the second youngest. I never had anyone to play with. One day the Diaz family moved next door and my mom saw they had a son around my age. She met up with his mom and as they say the rest is history. The two of us immediately became the closest of friends,” Samuel spoke warmly of their childhood beginnings. 

“That’s cute,” Tommy inserted. 

“How long were you friends? I mean…” Buck petered off. 

“I was twelve and Eddie…you had just turned eleven, right? It wasn’t March when you moved in.”

“No, we moved in December. You had just turned twelve that fall and I was almost eleven. Remember you made a whole deal out of giving me that birthday card, even though we just met.”

“Hey, you were my first neighborhood friend. I was excited,” Samuel grinned. “But we lost touch, sometime after I had turned twenty-two. Eddie was…”

“Almost twenty-one,” Eddie coughed, playing with his napkin. 

Lost touch?

That’s certainly a nice way of putting things. 

Samuel shifted uncomfortably next to him. 

“Oh, I mean sometimes that happens. You don’t always stay friends. Friend break-ups happen. Once all of my friends graduated, we kind of went our separate ways. Sometimes you grow apart.”

“That’s not what happened with us,” Eddie interjected, pausing when he realized he spoke before he could think of the consequences of his outburst.  

“Eddie…” Samuel began. 

“I…no you’re right. Some friends grow apart. Doesn’t matter how close they were. Circumstances change. Isn’t that right, Samuel? We grew apart.”

Eddie clenched his jaw, knuckles popping as he clenched his hands. 

“Right,” Samuel coughed, clearing his throat. 

“Well, unfortunately such will not be the case for me. You’re stuck with me forever, Eddie,” Buck said, in hopes of alleviating the tension. “Said you had my back that day and I had yours, always.”

“Always and forever,” Eddie agreed, feeling supported. 

“Oh,” Samuel said, looking between the two of them. He frowned and stared at the condensation on his glass. “You’re really close, huh?”

“The closest,” Buck toothily grinned. 

Samuel’s mouth opened, possibly wanting to ask how they had become friends. 

Tommy rolled his eyes. “If I had to hear how they became friends, you do too. Go ahead, Evan. Tell them the story.”

“I’m note sure…”

“Evan, come on. You love telling the story,” Tommy teased. “He told it to me on our third date. If I didn’t know how their friendship worked, I would’ve thought I was listening to the beginning of a rom-com like in one of those Netflix films.”

“Tommy-” Buck started. 

“I’d like to hear how you two became friends, if you don’t mind. No pressure. I’d like to know more about Eddie and the friends he’s made out here in California. Imagine it’s been hard being away from family. Having good friends is something to be proud of. Wish I had more of them.”

You had me , again that voice sunk its teeth into Eddie’s shoulder. You had me in almost every way a friend could and more.  

“Tell them the story of how we met,” Eddie warmly assured Buck, watching with approval as Buck brightened. Buck always liked telling the story. There were many strangers that heard the same story, whenever they were out on calls. 

Buck told Samuel the story of how they became friends, the inflictions of his voice rising and falling with emotion. Eddie added his own perspective of how they became friends, his own voice full of fondness. He found a true and dear friend in Buck. 

The two of them continued talking, until Samuel asked Tommy about how he and Buck became boyfriends. That story was relatively shorter and Buck didn’t talk as much. Samuel nodded his head, but he did turn to Eddie with a silent question on his face. 

Wren came back to their table and brought out their food. Conversation was put to a standstill as they had their sole focus on their food. There were only a few quips every now and then, when someone had another topic to discuss. 

Then Samuel turned his attention back to him, still chewing on his meal. He swallowed and then spoke. 

Samuel exhaled, “You know I was a little relieved when I found out the man with his hand wrapped around you wasn’t your boyfriend.” 

Tommy swiveled to face Buck and raised an eyebrow. Eddie was tempted to pinch Samuel right beneath the sensitive skin of his knee. 

Then to Eddie, he said. “Again, I’m sorry about the assumptions I made. It was never my intent to imply anything.”

Eddie felt fire lick at his lips. The voice on his shoulder was now prying his lips open and trying to urge its way inside, overriding the control he had over what he inwardly thought and outwardly spoke. 

“Ha, sure. I know you Samuel. You did that shit on purpose. You knew me enough to know…”

Eddie’s chest rose. Buck tapped at his foot and he looked up. Buck’s concerned gaze held his own. Eddie took a few calming breaths, fingers relaxing into his chair. 

Samuel looked up affronted. “Eddie, you know I would never do that.”

“How do I know? Maybe you wanted to get back at me for-”

“What does it matter anyways? You aren’t like that, right?” Samuel questioned. 

He moved his arm away from the back of Eddie. 

“No,” Eddie answered, biting off a piece of his breadstick. “And neither are you, isn’t that right?”

Samuel remained silent. It wasn’t enough to satiate Eddie’s hunger for a fight. The desire to finally fight and give life to everything that had been swelling inside him, since he stitched Samuel back together, was rearing its ugly head. 

“Let’s just eat,” he said. 

The dinner continued on in silence, the mood suddenly several degrees lower. Eddie stabbed his fork into his alfredo pasta, swirling it around his fork with a vengeance. All of them continued to eat in silence. Eddie’s anger had raised his body temperature up and he couldn’t breathe in that denim jacket. 

He slid out of his jacket and placed it beside him. He reached over for another breadstick, but was caught by Samuel’s hand on his arm. Samuel’s eyes looked at the way the words curled around his forearm. Eddie drew his hand back, feeling as if Samuel was hallowing him out with his expression. 

“Eddie, what does that say?” Samuel brokenly uttered. 

“Samuel,” Eddie warned. “Leave it.”

“Eddie,” he gasped, reaching out eyes watering. “Eddie, please tell me you didn’t. Please, cowboy .”

Eddie heard Buck’s fork drop, could feel him move around to pick it up and set it aside on his table, before waving to the waiter for a new one. Eddie knew Buck had finally connected the dots. He knew cowboy wasn’t simply a nickname, it was a term of endearment.

That day Eddie decided that he never wanted to hear himself referred to as cowboy ever again. If he did, it would be too soon. Cowboy was officially retired, buried six-feet under ground. Thinking about the name made his upper lip turn up. 

Eddie was making plans of throwing away all his cowboy hats he had racked up in the attic. Derry, his neighbor next door, always had garage sales every month. He'd send her a bag of them. 

Samuel drew his eyes away from the tattoo and stared at him, not having the bandwidth to remember they weren't the only people at this table. 

“Eddie,” he rasped, voice breaking on only two syllables. 

In vicious spite, he told him. He didn’t need to, Samuel already knew. All those high school Spanish lessons paid off.  Samuel would have easily translated the words on his arm. Eddie didn’t have to say the English translation. But he said the words anyway.

“Strengthen the mind and overcome the body.”

He watched with an unforgiving source of joy as Samuel broke in front of him.

Time stole all the moments that Eddie and Samuel could have shared. Both boys tried creeping past the timekeeper, in hopes that the days would drag on slower. Hours transformed into minutes, under their watchful gaze. Eddie clung, with an insatiable yearning, to the ticking hands of the clock. 

Unfortunately, time did not offer grace. Time mechanically flew by with an alarming speed. The distorted ticking sound clicked in two beats per measure. The hourglass, Eddie’s mom placed on top of the fireplace, had been turned upside down. 

Eddie stared as each tiny grain of sand fell to the bottom. Samuel took the hourglass into his hands and flipped it over. Before all the grains of sand fell into the other part of the glass, he turned it the other way. Maybe this would be their only form of escapism. 

Samuel had come over, wanting to spend his few remaining days at home with him. He still had a few more weeks until he had to head to basecamp, beginning in September. It was odd knowing that he would be beginning his junior year of high school, while Samuel was at basic training. Eddie didn’t know where he would be completing his training. Samuel didn’t like to talk about the army much—Eddie didn’t either. 

Samuel placed the hourglass on the coffee table with scattered magazines used as coasters for their drinks. Popcorn was on the table from when Samuel had almost knocked the popcorn bowl to the ground. 

Normally, Eddie would have cleaned the mess up as soon as it happened. However, he was able to push aside his first response to clean. His dad was still away on another business trip. Eddie hadn’t cared to listen where it was that time. His mom was off at some wedding shower. Adriana and Sophia had been picked up earlier by Ms. Aydin to go to ballet practice. 

They had the house to themselves for at least another hour. 

“Looks like it’s getting ready to start raining in a little bit,” Samuel said, moving his boot a few spaces on the Monopoly board. “It’d be good to get some rain. It’s been too hot lately.”

Dark gray clouds shrouded their neighborhood. The sky peeked out from one of the clouds then disappeared again. The howl of wind licked at the trees, dispersing some of the leaves to the ground. 

“You won’t hear me complaining,” Eddie replied, moving his own piece up one spot. 

Samuel smirked at him, putting away the money he collected. Samuel leaned over him, bracketing him in the small corner spot of the couch. 

“Hey,” Samuel grinned, one side of his mouth rising higher than the other. He always had a hint of mischief in his smile. 

“Hey,” Eddie returned back. Strands of Samuel’s hair tickled the top of Eddie’s forehead. 

Samuel looked down, gaze going to the necklace that hadn’t been removed from his neck, since Samuel had first bought it from him. It replaced the heart-shaped necklace Samuel had gotten him when he had only been in the eighth grade. This time the necklace didn’t turn his neck green or turn into a rusted charcoal gray. 

That necklace had a aquamarine pendant held together by a thin silver chain. Samuel gave it to him as a late birthday present. 

Cold hands ran over metal and skin as he admired the jewelry piece. Eddie’s skin prickled, chest rising as Samuel’s hands continued tracing the small pendant on the necklace. 

That was another reason he wanted time to move more slowly. The two weeks they had spent with just the two of them felt like Eddie was waking up to a dream. Part of him wished that his parents would choose to stay in Sweden for another week. 

But he knew his dad stuck to a strict plan. His dad hadn't been excited about taking off that many weeks for work. 

Eddie remained quiet as Samuel continued to stare at his necklace—which is why it was easy to hear the front door open and hear footsteps running to Eddie. The footsteps stopped, not giving Eddie a chance to realize why they had abruptly stopped running. 

Ballet slippers stood on the light-beige carpet. With a sense of apprehension, his eyes traveled upward passing the flesh colored tights and pink ballet skirt. Tap shoes fell to the ground, fingers having lost their tight grasp on them. 

Distracted, Eddie looked at the metal bottoms of the show. He could see his reflection mirrored in them, see the way his eyes widened in panic. 

More footsteps followed, probably seeking out the source for Adriana’s quietness. Eddie’s eyes slid to meet Sophia’s. It could’ve been only minutes—but it was more feasible to count the time in seconds. 

For the first time, Eddie begged time to move quickly. 

Their closeness wasn’t enough to raise an eyebrow—it was the way Samuel tore away from him that had Sophia pinpointing exactly what she had walked into. Samuel pushed away at Eddie’s chest and hastily stood up. 

“Adriana, go to your room for a second. I need to talk to Eddie, okay?” Sophia grinned, picking up Adriana’s tap shoes. “I’ll make you lunch in a bit.”

Adriana looked between the three of them. She didn’t immediately listen to Sophia’s instructions. But after further prompting, Adriana headed to her and Sophia’s room. 

Sophia first turned her attention to Samuel, who was frozen where he stood. Then she turned her gaze to him, where he sat unmoving. He wondered if she would be frowning if her hair bun wasn’t pulled tight. 

No one said anything—too afraid to give name to what was happening or to give an excuse that no one would believe. Eddie was the first to discard the sanctity of silence. 

“What are you two doing back so early?”

Sophia confusedly stared at him, wondering why that question was the first to be brought up. Instead of choosing not to answer, she told him, “There’s a flash flood warning and we had early pick-up. They wanted to take safety precautions. I’m sorry…is this what you two are up to, when no one is at home?”

Eddie opened his mouth and promptly closed it. 

Sophia’s eyes shone with unshed tears. He wondered why she carried emotion so deeply. If Adriana was the dancing drama queen and Sophia was the sensitive flower-child, what title belonged to Eddie? 

His eyes didn’t well up with tears. The two siblings stared at one another, one nervous with the other’s silence. Sophia clenched the straps of her glitter-pink ballet bag. Stickers adorned the bag. Mom had told her not to put stickers on it because they would become warped in the washer machine. Sophia hadn’t minded. What was warped, Sophia put another sticker on top of it. 

Sophia’s shoulders reached her ears and then dropped down as she breathed slowly through her nose. Eddie should’ve said something, but the longer silence permeated the small living room, the further away he got from having the right words to say. 

“Are you two…” Sophia left the sentence open, choosing to give them the chance to fill in the blank. 

The storm chose that moment to have the perfect comedic timing. It took that opportune moment to allow rain to break apart from the clouds. Thunder crackled in the sky, making the ground shake. The heavy downpour beat at the roof. Eddie was worried it might cave in. 

The whip of thunder startled Samuel into a state of alertness. Green eyes darkened, the haze of alarm shuttering off any previous expressions of happiness. 

“It’s…I can’t,” was the only thing he said, before running to leave the Diaz household. 

Eddie got up from his spot on the couch, intent to run after him. Sophia stepped in his way, shaking her head. 

“Let him go, Eddie.”

Ignoring his sister, he ran to the front of his house. The rain made it hard to see, but Eddie could hear Samuel’s car starting up. The engine roared to life and Eddie ran to open the garage door, where his bike was propped up against the wall. 

Sophia chased after him, pink skirt following in her wake. Sophia pulled the bike away from Eddie’s hands as the garage door went up. 

Samuel was beginning to pull out of his driveway. 

Eddie could hear the screech of tires on wet concrete. Eddie pleadingly looked at her. 

Sophia loosened her grip on his bike’s handles. But she continued blocking him. 

“Eddie, I’m not letting you go out there and catch pneumonia. Plus he’s driving a car. Do you think you can catch up with him on your bike? There’s a flash flood warning. For goodness’ sake, Eddie. Be smart about this.”

“He’s not going somewhere far,” Eddie told her, putting on the helmet his tio bought for him. He never wore a helmet, but he wanted to take the extra precaution given the bad weather right now. 

“I don’t care if he’s going far or not. Eddie, come back here,” Sophia shouted out as she stepped outside of the garage. 

“Go back inside Sophia!” Eddie yelled back to her. “Make sure to lock up. I’ll be back in about an hour. Promise!”

“Eddie, come back here! I’m serious! I am going to end you, if you don’t turn around. Eddie! Eddie…” 

Her yells for his name continued to be heard, even as he turned left on their block. Eddie would feel bad about it later, but he wanted to get to Samuel first. He had seen the way his face dropped, muscles tensing in his entire body. He needed to ensure that Samuel was safe. 

He blinked away the rain, falling into his eyes. It got hard to navigate where he was, but thankfully he came up to the park just outside their neighborhood. He could see where Samuel parked diagonally into the rectangle shaped parking spot. 

Eddie had to stop his bike from skidding in the rain, when he pressed on his brakes. The bike dropped to the floor, the bell giving a weak whistle as it bumped against the cement. Eddie walked toward the driver’s side, stepping out of the way because the windshield wipers were throwing water onto his face. 

Eddie knocked on the window, but Samuel didn’t open the door. He went to the passenger side, banking on Samuel forgetting to lock the doors. Like he expected, the door was unlocked. Cold and wet, Eddie slid into the leather seat of the Chevrolet. His basketball shorts stuck uncomfortably to his skin and the seat. 

Eddie wiped his face, turning the air down on his side. Samuel didn’t notice Eddie’s presence between the loud music and his frantic ramblings. His hair was clenched tightly in his hands as his face pressed against the steering wheel. 

Samuel’s lips moved, repeating the same words over and over. Eddie couldn’t hear what he was saying, the words spoken so lowly under his breath. Eddie was tempted to lower the volume, in order to hear the spoken words. 

The only words he could distinctly hear were strengthen and overcome. He wondered whether the phrase was something the football team said in their huddle. It sounded like something they might say. 

Eddie turned the volume down. “Samuel.”

Samuel turned to him, looking as if he had aged ten years during the drive from their house all the way to the park. Strained red eyes couldn’t understand why Eddie was sitting in his car. 

“Fuck, what are you doing here Eddie? What if someone sees us?” Samuel worried, sitting up in his seat. Frenzied eyes looked at the empty park. No one besides the two of them were trying to brave out in this storm. 

Shame once again spread its roots to Eddie’s heart. He wondered if enough roots spread that way, would his heart stop beating. 

“No one is going to see us,” Eddie bit back, anger filling his tone. 

Samuel shook his head. “You need to be back home. You’ve got to make sure Sophia and Adriana don't say anything.”

“They won’t.”

“How can you be sure? You didn’t stay long enough to ask them,” Samuel bemoaned. “What if they tell somebody we’re together?”

Eddie pulled his bottom lips between his teeth. “Are we not?”

Samuel stayed quiet. Eddie sharply laughed through his nose. 

“Right, then there’s nothing for my sisters to talk about. After all, we’re not together,” Eddie fumed. “Sophia was right. I shouldn’t have come after you.”

Eddie got out of the car and slammed it shut. The car shook to the side and Eddie hoped it would topple over. It didn’t. 

Samuel rushed out of the car as well, his varsity letter jacket growing darker from the rain. “Eddie, stop it. You’re overreacting. Get back in the car.”

“I’m overreacting? Says the one who drove off, during a storm. Pot meet kettle,” Eddie seethed. He grabbed his bike and swung one leg over the seat. 

Samuel stopped him, holding onto the horn shaped handles. “You can’t bike home in this.”

“I don’t care. I don’t want to get in a car with you. Now get out of my way,” Eddie threatened. “Or I’ll run you over with my bike.”

Samuel smirked and Eddie had never been so annoyed by the action. 

“It won’t leave much of a dent on me, but your bike might suffer. Seriously, let me drive you back home. You can put your bike in the trunk.”

Eddie wanted to storm off, but the weather had grown worse. It would be hard to make it back home safely. With great reluctance, he placed his bike in the trunk and sat back down in Samuel’s car. 

The two of them drove in complete silence. Samuel never did turn the volume back up on his radio. Thunder and their silent breathing were the only noises that could be heard in the car. The silence carried on, but there was one insistent question in the back of Eddie’s mind. 

“What were you saying?” Eddie questioned. 

“What?”

“You were saying something earlier, in the car before you noticed I was there. Something about strength and overcoming.”

“Strengthen the body. Overcome the mind,” Samuel lowered his eyes, the words tasting like a bitter pill to his lips. “It helps.”

Eddie frowned, his chest growing tight. “Helps with what?” 

Samuel tightened his hands around the steering wheel, as he turned into their neighborhood. They passed by the familiar brick houses. The street signs swayed from the heavy wind. Samuel sniffled and briefly looked over at Eddie. 

“It hasn’t helped yet,” Samuel aggrieved. “But it will.”

“Oh…” Eddie exhaled. He picked at the skin on his fingers. 

Samuel pulled into their driveway. Eddie looked up and saw Sophia had been waiting for him. She stood up from the porch chair and leaned against the framing of the house. Her eyes narrowed as Samuel parked the car. 

Samuel popped open the back of his trunk, deciding not to explain in detail what he meant by saying those words helped. 

Eddie unbuckled his seatbelt and began to leave. He felt unsettled, like the ground was splintering underneath his feet. 

“Eddie, wait,” Samuel stopped him, leaning over Eddie's seat. He pulled the door handle closer, closing it again. 

Eddie didn’t turn back to face him. How could he? He didn’t know how to be angry at Samuel. He had been annoyed…aggravated even, but never angry. Yet that was the only emotion that could define how he felt. 

Samuel pulled at his shoulder, twisting Eddie to face him. He brought his hands up to Eddie’s face, wiping away signs of dried rain. 

“We’re something, okay? We are…we’re just something that has to be kept a secret for now. Remember, you agreed that we wouldn’t tell anybody. That includes your sisters. Tell me you understand.”

The heavy tint on their windows was the only reason Samuel moved closer. His lips touched the bottom of Eddie’s right ear. 

“Strengthen the mind, overcome the body. Yeah? Tell me you understand, Eddie. You’ve gotta understand what it means for it to work.”

Samuel pulled back, the effort being visible on his face. He swayed forward to move his lips from Eddie’s ears toward his lips. Eddie pinpointed the exact moment Samuel shocked himself out of a dazed stare. 

He muttered those words again, as he moved further away from Eddie. The whispered words teasingly kissed Eddie’s lips. 

Samuel kept his hands firmly planted on either side of his face. The words must not have the all-healing power that Samuel thought they had. 

Eddie didn’t know if he wanted to give power to the words for them to work in the manner Samuel hoped it did. How could he understand what the words really meant, if Samuel wouldn’t tell him? He couldn’t lie and say he understood. 

Did he want to understand?

Samuel dropped his hands from his face. 

“I understand,” Eddie lied. 

He hated how Samuel sat back down in his seat with relief. He hated himself more for how relieved he felt watching that invisible weight lift from Samuel’s shoulders. Here he was putting a bandage to Samuel’s scratch, while his own heart bled out. 

“Good, I’ll see you tomorrow?” Samuel tentatively reminded. 

“Yeah,” Eddie agreed. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Finally, Eddie got out of the car and took his bike out the trunk. He slammed it back down harder than he would usually do. 

“Make sure you talk to your sisters,” Samuel called out, before reversing to pull out of their driveway. 

Eddie walked his bike through their front lawn, dragging mud along the sidewalk. He would bring the bike into the garage later. 

Sophia ran out to him, throwing her hands over him. 

“Don’t you ever do that again,” Sophia warned. "I was so worried. What if you slid your bike into a ditch...or what if you got ran over by some car that couldn't brake fast enough in the rain?"

Her voice came out in hiccups. 

“Sophia-” Eddie rasped. 

Sophia pulled back. By then a few pieces of her hair fell loose from her bun. The dark brown curls stuck to her forehead. She tried blinking away a strand that had fallen in her eye. 

“Sophia, you can’t tell anyone. Promise me, Sophia,” Eddie begged. “I need you to promise me that you won’t say a word.”

“Eddie, I would never tell anybody anything. You know that,” Sophia pleaded. “You know I would never do that.”

“I know. I know. He wanted me to make sure. I told him you wouldn’t.”

“I thought something was different. But I didn’t expect this. Is it serious?”

Eddie shrugged his shoulders.

Sophia bit her lip. “Umm, okay. Has something like today happened before?”

“Yes. Only this time we had an audience,” Eddie blandly joked. 

Sophia winced. “Alright, well you don’t need to worry. I’ll keep things to myself. We may need to talk to Adriana, but I don’t think she would say anything either.”

“Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me for this,” Sophia reassured. 

Eddie sat down on the porch steps, pulling his face into his hands. Sophia sat down next to him. She rubbed his back, the motion causing his wet tank top to feel weird against his skin. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Everything,” Eddie choked. “Everything is wrong. I’m wrong and I can’t fix it. I don’t understand why I can’t fix it.”

“Eddie.”

“But Samuel says that we need to overcome it. I don’t know what he means, Sophia. I don’t know and I think I agreed to something I didn’t want to. Can you tell me what it means?”

Sophia listened as he said the phrase back to her. Her lips thinned and she shook her head.

“Oh, Eddie.”

Eddie shakily groaned, pressure rising in his eyes and chest. 

“I don’t want to pretend, Sophia. I’m so tired of pretending.”

Sophia’s brown eyes bore into his. “Then don’t pretend. You don’t have to.”

Eddie shook his head. “No, you don’t get it. It’s not that easy. I wake up every day and pretend to be the perfect son and the perfect brother, but I’m not. Now Samuel wants me to keep pretending, with no end date. I thought…I asked if I could at least tell you. He said you’d never understand. But you caught us…and you do understand. You do.”

Eddie recalled the moment he had paced outside of Sophia and Adriana’s room. It was two nights after Samuel had first kissed him. He wanted so badly to talk to her.   

But then he had asked Samuel if he would be alright with him telling Sophia. After all, it was a secret that concerned two people. Samuel said she would probably be angry at him. It’d be best for Eddie not to say anything. So he had stopped pacing and went back to his room.

Yet here Sophia was, sitting behind him not angry at all. 

“That’s so fucked up Eddie.”

“I know that I’m fucked up Sophia,” Eddie cried, mishearing what Sophia said. “I know that.”

Sophia shook her head, grabbing his shoulders. Her sharp nails pierced his skin. “No, what he’s asking you to do is fucked up. To pretend? To make you feel uncomfortable confiding in me? Eddie, we’re supposed to tell each other everything.”

Eddie blinked up at her. 

“You know about the time I put molasses in dad’s shoes. You know the time I kissed Jeremiah under the school bleachers. I thought maybe you didn’t have a lot of things you wanted to share. I didn’t know you felt like you couldn’t,” Sophia sniffed. 

Eddie’s fingers were beginning to wrinkle with how long they were staying out in the rain. 

“If you want to tell me how you feel…how Samuel makes you feel—then you tell me. I’ll love you always,” Sophia concluded. 

“You will?”

Sophia nodded. 

“Of course I will. And screw him for making you think any different,” Sophia shouted. “I’ll go over there right now and say it to his face."

Sophia cupped her hands over her face and yelled in the direction of Samuel's home, "Screw you! Screw you!"

Eddie laughed as she raised her middle finger, toward the Williamson driveway. But then his laughter gave way to silent cries. 

Sophia looked back at him with alarm. 

"Oh…oh no. Eddie, why are you crying? Did I say something wrong?”

“Nothing,” Eddie cried. “You said nothing’s wrong. That’s the problem.” 

“Oh, Eddie. Come here,” Sophia hushed him. 

Sophia gathered him in her arms, the sweet perfume of dandelions and strawberry clung to her skin. He knew the smell belonged to his mom’s perfume collection, but he wouldn’t tattle on Sophia. His mom wasn’t here to know that Sophia snooped through her things. 

Eddie sniffled, grateful the rain could mask his tears. Sophia didn’t bring attention to broken gasps. Eddie wondered if he could pass the sound off as thunder. 

“It’s okay. I’m here,” Sophia soothed, voice wet with emotion. 

Adriana later joined them. She started asking if lunch would be ready, but stopped as she stepped onto the porch. Adriana dropped onto the step by Eddie and pulled his arm over her. She wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his shoulder. 

“Don’t cry Eddie. It’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, it’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it,” Sophia piggy-backed off of Adriana’s sentiment.

Which didn’t help Eddie to not cry harder. 

Suddenly, he wanted to apologize to his sisters. They should have never seen him like that. But he would give himself this one day—a break from holding himself together. He’d apologize tomorrow. He’d take back all the words he had spoken. He could only have this one day. 

He’d tell Sophia it was nothing more than a fleeting crush. And Sophia would take the lies as truth. He’d say he had foolishly conflated the love of friendship with that of romance. He was only a young boy, upturned by feelings he didn’t truly have. 

Sophia would question the sudden change and Eddie would plaster on a smile that stuck to his gums. 

He’d remember the embarrassment he felt after crying in front of them. He had to make sure their image of him changed. He had to be strong, even against the face of his own desires. 

Therefore, he would lie and he would pretend, until dishonesty became a second skin. 

He felt enlightened, beginning to understand the guiding wisdom Samuel had imparted to him. 

Finally, he understood the power that those words held. 

Eddie put back on his jacket, but Samuel was still looking at his arm like he had managed to gain x-ray vision within the span of ten minutes. Buck reached across the table, fingers brushing against his. Eddie’s eyes met his. Buck managed to send a look that asked him whether he was okay. 

Eddie lightly tapped his fingers back in response, the action not going unnoticed by Tommy whose eyes flickered to the point of connection. 

He drew his hand back as Samuel stood up. His throat moved up and down like he was trying to expel something that would not come up. 

“I need to go to the restroom,” Samuel said, his face turning the same shade of green as his eyes. He quickly walked off to find the restroom. Eddie slumped back in his chair. 

“Are you okay?” Buck asked. “Things got intense in a few seconds.”

Eddie gruffly sighed. “Yeah, he'll be fine. I should probably go check on him though to make sure. Excuse me. I’ll be right back.”

He dabbed the corners of his lips with a napkin and then rose from his seat to follow Samuel. 

When he went into the restroom, he saw Samuel slapping water into his face. Samuel looked at him through the mirror, water cascading down his face and dripping onto the collar of his shirt. Neither of them spoke. They knew it wasn’t the time. 

Eddie also knew Samuel wouldn’t be able to continue with this dinner. The way he looked right now, a timid gust of wind would knock him over. 

Thankfully, they had eaten the majority of their food. Eddie still had a lot left on his plate, but that was because he would always leave some room in his stomach to eat whatever Buck was having. Most of his vegan experiences came from eating off of Buck’s plate. He wanted to try some of his food, but knew it would do no good to reach over and scoop some of it onto his plate. 

“Did you drive here?” Eddie questioned. 

Samuel shook his head. “No, I took an uber. I don't get my rental car, until tomorrow.”

“I’ll drive you back to your hotel or wherever you’re staying. Let me just grab my keys and we can head out.” 

“Eddie, you don’t have to-”

“I know. But I’m not in the mood to continue this dinner. Honestly, I just want to go home.”

Samuel looked down. “I’m sorry.”

Eddie looked away. “If you’re saying sorry for ending dinner early-”

“No, I’m sorry about…”

“Don’t. Don’t you dare try to apologize to me in the restroom of a restaurant,” Eddie gasped, his own voice being clogged with emotions. “There’s so many things you…”

Eddie stopped himself from starting a rant he couldn't finish. 

“I’ll meet you outside in the front. I’ll let them know we’re leaving,” Eddie turned away, hands pressed against the restroom door. 

Samuel turned back to face the mirror. Neither of them could look at one another, too frayed at the edges not to break with a single glance. 

“Can you extend my apologies? Tell them it was really nice meeting them.”

“Sure,” Eddie stated, leaving the restroom. Before he went back to their table, he saw Wren walking around. He stopped him and pulled out his card. “Hi, I’m about to leave. But I wanted to go ahead and pay for our whole table.”

Wren nodded and went to quickly charge Eddie’s card. He came back with his card and receipt. Eddie signed, leaving a decently sized tip. 

He made his way over to their table and grabbed his keys. “Hey, I’m taking Samuel back to his hotel. He doesn’t feel good. I already paid for the meal because I asked you both out here.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” Buck began.

“I know. I wanted to. I’m sorry I had to cut this evening short.”

“It’s okay. Sorry to hear Samuel isn’t feeling good. I hope he feels better,” Tommy said. “Sometimes food upsets our stomach, quicker than it takes time to settle.”

Buck stood up from the booth to stand in front of Eddie. He gently pulled him aside, blanketing him with his body. “You sure you’re okay?”

Buck tilted his chin up, so Eddie could match his gaze. Eddie looked past Buck’s shoulder, then was drawn to a piece of flyaway fuzz on his beige-maroon corduroy shirt. Buck dropped his shoulders, moving closer to Eddie. 

Eddie continued to pull at the fuzz, attached only by a single thread. He didn’t want to look at Buck because he would see how very much not okay he was. Eddie could never hide things long from Buck. 

“Eddie,” Buck repeated. 

He had finally torn the fuzz away from Buck’s shirt. He blew it off his finger, watching as it fell to the ground. Distantly, he wondered if that would count as littering. His eyes looked down at the way Buck’s and his feet were facing each other. 

He didn’t want to talk, but he knew he was prolonging driving Samuel home. He didn’t know why he offered. But it would be in bad taste to call him an uber, after he said he would drive him back to his hotel. 

“Hey, are you sure you’re okay with taking him home? I can drive him back, if you’re uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be a problem for me. Just say the word.”

He was tempted to take Buck up on his generous offer. But he couldn’t. He shook his head. 

“No, it’s fine. I should probably head out though. I told Samuel I would meet him out front.”

Buck took the lie as a sign that Eddie didn’t want to further divulge into what was happening. He didn’t look pleased by the lie, but he let it go. He drew his shoulders back and Eddie missed how safe he felt with their close proximity. 

“I’ll ask for a to-go plate and pack yours up. I’ll keep it in my refrigerator. Even add some of mine to yours. You didn’t get to try any yet and it was actually good. I’ll have to tell Ravi it was a good spot. Next time it’ll just be us and we can bring Christopher.”

“That would be nice,” Eddie kindly replied. “Thanks Buck. See you later, Tommy. Enjoy the rest of your night."

Eddie stepped outside, to see Samuel smoking against the brick wall of the restaurant. Eddie went by him and took it out his mouth, snuffing out the fire and throwing it on top of the ashtray on the trashcan. He looked at Samuel one more time and sighed. He pulled his car key out and began walking to his car. 

“Come on.” 

They drove in silence. Eddie didn’t even turn the radio on. The only thing he focused on was the GPS telling him where to drive. They made it to Samuel’s hotel and Eddie parked right outside the front entrance. He waited for Samuel to leave, but Samuel stayed rooted in his spot. 

“I never meant for you to make those words your own,” Samuel murmured. 

“Yes, you did,” Eddie reminded him, for once not choosing to let Samuel rewrite their past. “But it’s fine.”

“Eddie, how is that fine? You tattooed the very thing I told myself…”

“Samuel, it’s fine. It’s different for me. Seriously, the phrase lost its original meaning a long time ago. I gave it a better one. I redefined the words into something hopeful.”

“How?” Samuel choked out. “How could those words ever mean anything good?”

“Look, hey look at me. Those words hurt me when I was a teenager. It hurt so much. But the words saved me and brought me back home. I was able to overcome the physical limitations that my body had. I could strengthen my mind to not give up, even when my legs felt tired or when my hands started shaking trying to stitch up another person who was never going to make it home.”

Samuel let the thought resonate with him. Eddie could tell he wanted to say more, but Eddie was so tired. He didn’t want to explain how he was different from the eighteen year old kid, who had gotten those tattoos imprinted into his skin. 

Samuel turned red eyes to him. “I’m still sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

Eddied needed to find something different to say in response to Samuel’s apologies. Unfortunately, everything he wanted to say was rooted in anger. Saying he was fine, protected himself from opening the floodgates of emotions he couldn’t deal with yet. 

“No, it’s not fine,” Samuel disagreed. “And the whole thing at the banquet…I’m sorry for that too. I don’t  know why I assumed that so publicly, considering everything. I just got jealous. You were in front of me for the first time in years and someone else’s arms were wrapped around you.” 

Eddie scoffed at Samuel’s audacity. He still didn’t get it. 

“Samuel, it’s not like that…and even if it was,” Eddie turned his head away. “Even if it was, you’d have no right to care.”

“I know. I know that I’d have no right to care,” Samuel whispered. “But with you, I couldn’t ever find it in myself to stop. Get home safely. Maybe we can schedule another dinner, this time maybe just the two of us.”

“Yeah, we’ll see.” 

Samuel looked at him like Eddie would say anything else. Samuel would be disappointed because Eddie had capped out on his word count for tonight. Samuel unlocked the door and stepped outside. He turned back, hand still on the door handle. 

“I’d really like to see you again, if that in any way sways your mind.”

Samuel began to unbuckle his seat, getting out of the car. Eddie wanted this to be the last time he saw him. He had hung out with him twice now. It should be enough. He didn’t have to see him again. All he had to do was drop him off and block his number. It would be easy. 

Eddie didn’t know how to make his life easy. 

“Wait,” Eddie started. “My team is having a baseball game on Tuesday. It should be a fun game to watch. I’d like it, if you could make it.”

It wasn’t dinner, but it was an opportunity to see more of him in a controlled setting. 

Samuel smiled warmly at him. “A chance to see you relive your glory days.”

“I’d hardly call playing baseball my glory days, but sure.”

“I’ll have to look at my calendar, but I would love to come. Text me the details?”

“I’ll make sure to send you a message tonight,” Eddie responded, sliding back into his seat having leaned closer to talk to Samuel. 

“Goodnight, Eddie.”

“Goodnight.”

With that final goodnight, the door closed and Eddie watched Samuel walk into his hotel. Now the only thing Eddie wanted to do was sleep, until his next shift. He made it home safely, sending a text to Buck who also said he and Tommy had made it safely back to his loft. Then with a second thought, he let Samuel know he made it home. 

He shut off his phone and tried not letting bittersweet memories be the only dreams he had.

Someone might come to the natural assumption that Eddie Diaz was a competitive man by nature. He played baseball for years and developed a deep love for the sport. It would be completely understandable that he would take the lead in the 3rd Annual Firefighter Baseball Championship, held between the two respective fire stations of the 133 led by Captain Mehta and the 118 led by Captain Nash. 

After all he was the only one who had the most knowledge about the ins and outs of the sport. He knew exactly what positions would fit each member of their team. He could announce certain calls that would give them an advantage. 

They had lost to the 133 last year, after going on a game winning streak. And it was rather embarrassing how they lost. Eddie still had nightmares about the loss. 

They usually held this game in the fall, wanting to play during the height of the World Series. Unfortunately, this was the only day that most of them were available—on this random Tuesday evening. 

It was incredibly hot. Heat waves bounced off of the cars, parked outside of the field’s gates. They had tried putting their cooler in a shaded area in the dugout, but the ice had melted a long time ago. And with growing temperatures, the tension of the game also increased. 

Which is why despite Eddie having a competitive nature, he and the entire team appreciated Buck’s coaching. Buck had the level headedness to make sure they didn’t bite the bait of the taunts coming from the other team. Also Buck was incredibly smart. Eddie wanted him to take an IQ test one day for fun. 

Part of the reason they lost last year was because Captain Mehta said it would be unfair to have a math genius coaching them. None of them thought it was a plausible reason to bench Buck. 

How was math even used in baseball to the point where any of that could be considered cheating? 

Buck had smiled and said fine. And well...that was the same year they lost. 

Buck still had his insane math abilities, but Eddie thought people didn’t understand that Buck was already intelligent far beyond their years even before the lightning strike. It only seemed to enhance the skills Buck already had in his repertoire. 

Now Buck was back in his coaching spot, the math brain no longer a point of contention with the 133. They had no ground to stand on, when the 118 figured out they had been getting baseball lessons from Doc, manager of the LA Dodgers. Eddie still didn’t know how they managed to swing that. 

Buck was currently talking to Ravi, who was up next to bat. Eddie sat down on the bench, having slid home giving his team another point. He grabbed a water bottle from the cooler. Buck slapped Ravi on the shoulder as he ran out on the field. 

“Think we have a chance of winning this one, Coach?” Eddie joked, lifting his water bottle to his lips. 

Buck smirked, mirth filled eyes hidden behind sunglasses. “I think a lot of my players are showing promise out there. I’m excited with how the game is going.”

Eddie set his water bottle aside to grab some sunscreen. He stood up and walked toward Buck. Gently he tilted his ball cap up and began spreading some sunscreen on his reddened cheeks. Buck allowed the care as he tilted his head down so Eddie could spread some more across his forehead. 

“Chimney’s been doing surprisingly good at center field. I’ve heard Jee’s been helping him in between her busy meetings with her dolls and teddy bears,” Buck noted, while Eddie smoothed some sunscreen over his neck too. 

He stepped away, satisfied that Buck now had on two-layers of sunscreen on. 

“Glad to see he’s being coached by the best,” Eddie laughed, sitting back down on the bench. He set his sunscreen bottle by his hip and wiped his hands over his pants. 

“Chimney only deserves the best,” Buck agreed, glancing back at where Ravi was lining up to bat. “Alright, Ravi show ‘em how it’s done!”

Eddie and Buck attentively watched Ravi swing his bat, against the 133 pitcher—who Eddie could admit had quite the arm. The ball cut through the air, making a sharp sound as it hit Ravi’s bat. Ravi went off running, long legs carrying him to second base. 

“Run, Ravi! You got this!" Eddie yelled, moving aside as Hen sat next to him. 

“Can you pass me a Gatorade out of the cooler?” Hen asked, wiping a towel over her forehead. “Gosh, it is so hot out here. We are definitely moving this back to the fall, during a time where it doesn’t feel like I can’t breathe running from one base to the next.”

“What flavor?” Eddie asked. 

“Umm, I don’t know. The purple one,” Hen spoke. “Do they even have actual flavors? I usually just call them by the colors. Yellow is the most disgusting flavor.”

“That’s lemonade,” Eddie said, handing Hen her Gatorade. “And I think most of them have actual flavors and only a few have non-specific names.”

Buck chimed in on the conversation, “In the original version of Gatorade, of about 22 different flavors, there are only five drinks that don’t say its specific flavor which are Icy Blue, Arctic Charge, Glacier Freeze, Cool Blue, and Riptide Rush.”

Hen tilted her head. “I wouldn’t even know which of those belong to which color. Think I’ll stick to my system for now.”

“Sounds far less complicated,” Eddie claimed, closing the cooler. 

“No, Ravi! Run back, go back to second base! Go back,” Buck hoarsely screamed. “Crap, I knew I shouldn’t have made Fred a hitter. Man has the eye-vision of a bat. And he’s not wearing his glasses. Come on Fred, try to hit the ball!”

Buck continued gently and strictly coaching Fred, who would always swing his baseball bat five seconds too late. They continued watching the game, once Fred was able to hit the ball. It went on like this for a while. 

The sound of his phone vibrating took his attention away from the game. He went through his gym bag and took out his phone. He had a few missed calls from Adriana and a text demanding that he call her, written out in all capitalized letters. 

Eddie stood up from the bench, leaning over to talk in Buck’s ear. “I have to take this call, but I’ll be right back.”

“Everything good?” Buck questioned, staring at him for a second. 

“I hope so,” Eddie stated, moving away. He called Adriana back, hearing her answer on the first ring. 

“Eddie I’ve been trying to call you for hours,” Adriana, always the drama queen, drawled out. “You have to help me. Your parents are about to drive me crazy."

“Oh, so they’re only my parents now,” Eddie replied, walking further away from the field and closer to the concession stand. 

“When they’re being annoying they are. If Christopher wasn’t staying with us, Eddie I swear to you I think I would’ve lost it,” Adrianna seethed. “It’s only been three months since I’ve had to move back home and I regret it everyday.”

“What happened, Adriana?” Eddie implored, choosing to sit down at one of the picnic tables near the concession stand. 

“You know how I only moved back home because well the economy sucks and I needed time to recover from my broken ankle. Mom suggested moving back in, while I recover because I would be unable to go out for auditions or teach any dance classes right now.”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Right, well I wish mom would remember too because she keeps being all passive-aggressive about me needing to find a job or try to get my teacher’s certification.”

“You would hate teaching.”

“I know! That’s what I told her, but of course you know she has very selective hearing. They think I’m just at home to be home, but that’s not true. They think I’m not trying to find a job, while I wait for auditions and get back to my dance classes. But I am trying so hard, but I can’t tell them anything.”

“Do you need me to talk to them?”

Adriana sighed. “No, Sophia already did. But I guess that’s the thing that’s so frustrating.”

“What?”

“You and Sophia have your entire life figured out. Sophia is about to move to Virginia with her new fancy lawyer job. You just got a fancy medal. And all I have is a dance competition trophy and medals from when I was a teenager.”

“Hey, you got a degree from Julliard too.”

“Thanks, Eddie. That’s so helpful in my current situation.”

“Sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. I’m being snippy with everyone lately. Now mom is talking about marriage and kids. Those two things are the furthest from my mind. I find great joy in being the designated single, rich, and child-free aunt. I mean I’m not rich yet but you get the idea.”

“I do,” Eddie laughed. 

“I know marriage and the kid thing worked out for y’all-”

“I wouldn’t say it worked out for me all that much,” Eddie corrected. 

Adriana laughed, the sound coming from her noise as if the statement had surprised her. “Very true.”

Eddie smiled. 

“Problem is I told mom I don’t plan on getting married or having kids-”

“Well, you’re still in your twenties, Adriana. That’s completely understandable not wanting to get married or have kids yet. You know some people don’t even get married until they’re in their fifties. ”

“No, Eddie. I mean like ever. I don’t ever want to get married or have kids. The desire isn’t there for me. Honestly, the thought of waking up one day being someone’s wife makes me nauseous. I don’t have it in me to love someone that way.”

“Okay,” Eddie said, sitting up straight. 

“That’s the same response Sophia gave. Honestly, she shouldn’t be surprised. Her little basketball team warned me off from having kids ages ago. Honestly, I don’t even know where she and Marc find the time.” 

Eddie scrunched up his nose. 

Cheers erupted from the other side of the park, the crack of a ball and bat echoed. Eddie wondered who the cheers belonged to. 

“I’ve never disappointed them before Eddie, but now it seems as though that’s all I'm doing. Dad is being nice about it all, but I can tell he’s always wanting to ask me about my next steps. I feel like I’m losing myself here. There’s no creative life here in Texas.”

“Why couldn’t you stay with your friend Lexi? I thought that was the original plan, when you had to move out of your apartment.”

“It was the original plan, but you know me. I couldn’t stay somewhere and not pay rent. Lexi always offers, but — I don’t know. I would hate to be a freeloader."

“You wouldn’t be a freeloader. It’s okay to accept help, Adriana.”

“Is that what you’ve been learning in therapy?”

“One of the things,” Eddie truthfully responded, feeling much better about the topic of therapy than when he had first told his sisters he was seeking help. 

Sophia had been the second to admit she was in therapy, product of the hard cases she was working on. Her and Marc also attended couple’s counseling, after the birth of their first child. 

Adriana was the only one who hadn’t caught the therapy bug yet, despite Eddie’s and Sophia’s recommendation. 

“If I could pay half of the rent, I would’ve taken her up on her offer. However, the money I saved up quickly went away. Soon I was booking a flight from New York to El Paso.”

Eddie had offered for Adriana to stay with him a few months ago, but that had been back when Christopher was still at home. And Adriana had told him that she didn’t want to take up one of their rooms, when they would have to sleep on the couch. 

Then Christopher went to El Paso and a room was freed. Adriana joked that it could be an episode of Family Swap. But she decided to stay around for Christopher. To that Eddie was thankful. 

“It’s fine. I know it’s temporary. But all of a sudden as I argued arguing with mom, I had this dawning realization — this real lightbulb moment. Mom and I never fought. Okay, I can hear you disagreeing. It was touch and go, when I was a teenager. But we never truly argued back and forth this frequently.”

Adriana paused for a second. 

“And I thought this was so weird. Has mom always been like this? And then I realized…yes, she has always been this way. It’s just neither Sophia nor myself had that type of attention directed toward us. It was always on you.”

“Adriana, I’m sorry mom’s being like this to you.”

“She isn’t being all that controlling, when I think about it in the grander scheme of things. And Sophia didn’t go through this either, so she couldn’t give me a lot of advice. This is very much new territory for me.”

“Okay, how can I help? I could talk to mom and play mediator.”

“No…not that. Eddie, I want you to teach me.”

“Teach you what exactly?”

“How do you not let everything get under your skin, after all these years? Because I’m one second away from slamming the door on her face, if she comes into my room one more time asking to talk. I’m trying to be like you…you know take it all in without complaining.”

Eddie’s heart dropped in his chest, sinking all the way down to the sole of his feet. He wondered, if he moved, would he crush it on the cement ground he stood on. 

“Fuck, Adriana that’s not a lesson I want you to learn. Look, I'll talk to them.”

Adriana sighed with frustration. “No, I don’t want you playing mediator again. Every time you do that things get cleared up between us, but you stop talking to mom and dad for weeks at a time. They don’t even let us mention you without them saying some snide comment.”

“That’s just how it is.”

“It shouldn’t be.”

“Adriana, I will be fine. I’ll talk to mom and tell her to back-off. And I have a little money set aside that I was going to use to take Christopher on a trip to Disneyland, but he’s home with y’all for the summer. The money has been sitting in an envelope. I’ll send it to you.”

“Eddie, no save that for you and Christopher. He’s coming back. Add onto what you’ve already saved for your next vacation. I will be fine.”

“Adriana.”

“Eddie,” she sang back at him. “I’ll talk to mom myself and hopefully she’ll actually be receptive to what I have to say.”

“You’ll call me the moment she isn’t,” Eddie said. 

“Of course. Honestly, I feel better having gotten this off of my chest. Think I needed someone to talk to who got it, you know?”

“Of course.”

“But enough about me. How have you been? Sophia was not happy you missed our weekly call by the way.”

“How many times do I have to apologize?” Eddie groaned, remembering the multitude of texts Sophia had sent him. “I asked her to reschedule.”

“You know that woman likes to plan out things months in advance. Oh, side-note I don’t know if Christopher told you, but we’re taking the kids to the Houston Zoo tomorrow. We should be in Houston for four days and return this weekend.”

“Who’s driving?”

“Marc and I are driving in shifts.”

“Good, I still don’t know how Sophia managed to pass her driver’s test.”

“Me either. It’s good she’s moving to a city that doesn’t require her to drive.”

“So was this a family trip they extended to include all of you or…”

“Yeah, they’re probably only bringing me, so I can help watch the kids. And Sophia thought Christopher would enjoy seeing what else is in Texas. You don’t think Christopher is too old for the zoo anymore, right? I asked him if he was fine. ‘Cause Sophia’s kids are younger than him. And I don’t know if he was trying not to hurt my feelings, when he said he would love to go.”

“I think he’s been enjoying spending time with all of you. Christopher would tell you, if it isn’t something he wanted to do.”

“Cool, and you’re okay with it? Forgot to ask, before we started making plans."

Eddie nodded, then remembered she couldn’t see him. “Yes, that’s fine. I trust you and Sophia. I know he’ll have a good time. Make sure to take pictures and keep me updated though.”

“I will. But back to you. How have things been? Fighting the good fight against fire?”

Eddie chuckled and leaned forward on his elbows. “It’s going well. Haven’t had any extremely bad calls. That’s always a good thing.”

“And everything else?”

Eddie frowned, considering what else Adriana could want to know. Because he knew his sister well enough to know she wanted to lead him into a specific conversation. 

“Everything else is good with the exception that Christopher is thousands of miles away. But I’ve gotten better at handling things, when I realized he’ll be coming home soon.”

“That’s good. He already told you…"

Eddie stopped her, before she could finish. The first time he heard about Christopher’s plans for coming back home, he wanted to hear it directly from his son. 

“He hasn’t…not yet. But he will, when he’s ready.”

“I’m glad that you know that. So anything else happening lately?”

“Adriana, say what you want to say.”

“Fine, I saw that asshole posted that he was in LA and I was worried.”

“How on earth do you know that?” Eddie inquired, ignoring Adriana calling Samuel out of his name.

“Okay, so you remember the Williamson eldest daughter, Cleo?”

“Barely,” Eddie mused. 

“She’s the one that got divorced three times. Whatever, she had a daughter my age. You never met her because she was living with her dad at the time. But she transferred my freshmen year and we became close friends. We’re still mutuals on instagram. Well, yesterday she reposted a video of Samuel on her story.”

“Okay.”

“And it was highlighting his non-profit. And you know, I get nosy. So I started doing a little bit of sleuthing and saw that the charity organizer posted a few photos with everyone in attendance, who showed their support. And there was a picture of the 118. And I thought wow it's a small world. But then I thought…oh my goodness Samuel was in the same place as you.”

“Adriana, I am slightly concerned with how you choose to spend your free time,” Eddie replied. 

“Eddie, I can't help it. I’m basically the FBI’s best social media informant in training.”

“That is too long of a job title.”

“Eddie, focus. Did you see him? Did you talk to him?”

Eddie thought about whether he should lie to his sister. He decided he’d tell her the bare minimum that they had spoken to one another. However, he wasn’t going to tell her that he had met up with him after that. 

“Yes, he stopped to talk to me for a bit.”

“And how are you? I know you two haven't spoken in ages.”

“Adriana, why are you acting weird? I thought you were fine with Samuel. Remember one day you asked if you could do a sibling exchange because he was cooler.”

“There is nothing he could ever do to make me like him,” Adriana bit out. 

“Adriana,” Eddie began, but was stopped.

“No. I’ll never forget the way you chased after him. I didn’t know why Sophia was so upset or why she let you run out the house. I had never seen her that mad before. She sat outside, waiting for you to return and told me to go inside and watch TV. Which was fine. I was watching cartoons,” Adriana exclaimed. 

Adriana breathed slowly, the sound a quiet hum across his speaker. 

“Then I heard you crying. Sophia had left the screen door cracked and I could hear the two of you. I had never heard you cry before. I didn’t know why you were crying. By then you both had stopped talking and neither of you ever told me why.”

Adriana paused again. 

“Both you and Sophia treated me like I was a baby and wouldn’t understand grown-up things. I thought Sophia could help you in a way I couldn’t. I had my secrets with her and maybe you had hers. All I could do was hug you. But things started to click, when I saw a shift with how Sophia looked at Samuel.”

“I told her to cool it on the daggers she was throwing with her looks. I thought she got over it, when I told her we worked things out..”

Adriana laughed loudly, the sound shocking his heart. 

“What?”

“Good at masking things? Oh, you sweet naïve summer child. Sophia slashed his tires,” Adriana confessed. 

“Wait, that was her?”

Samuel had wondered for days who could’ve slashed his tires. He was upset that he had to buy new ones with his own money. All the money he had saved, from his job at Dairy Queen, vanished. Now he knew the true culprit — his sister. 

“She’d probably do it again. ”

“Why?”

“Because you never talked to us about things that hurt you. Sophia and I would always come to your room and vent. But you never came to us. We figured you didn’t think we could help you. Maybe we couldn’t have given great advice, but we tried in our own ways. I mean you’re our brother. And no one gets to make you cry. This was the first time you came to us…well Sophia. And Sophia acted in the best way she could.”

“She never told me anything,” Eddie whispered, surprised that Sophia had acted in his defense. 

“Better be lucky I was only in middle school and hadn’t taken chemistry yet. I could’ve found a way to set his car on fire…you know like Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale.”

“You really shouldn’t be talking about your penchant for arson activities to a firefighter.”

“Eh, I have a good lawyer on retainer,” Adriana joked. “I just…I worry how you get around him. Obviously, Sophia knows more. But I’m old enough to remember some things.”

Eddie wanted to know what she remembered, but at the same time he didn’t want to know.

“I don’t think you should’ve given him your time at all.”

“Adriana."

“But you said you didn’t speak any further besides casual greetings. Sophia will be glad.”

“You told Sophia?”

“Duh, I told her in the group chat that doesn’t include you because you’re too busy for our scheduled facetime calls.”

“Oh, let it go Adriana. I will make sure to completely clear my schedule next time.”

“Please do so. Anyways, I’ve probably taken enough of your time.”

“Never, it’s always good to hear from you. You could call me asking if you think bumping your head against the cabinet is cause for an ER visit or whether the dress you bought was a good purchase. I’ll answer.”

“Ah, how did I get blessed to have such an amazing big brother. But I do have to go. I promised my favorite nephew that I would take him out for ice cream.”

“You’re not supposed to have favorites,” Eddie teasingly chastised. 

“Parents aren’t supposed to have favorites. But aunts and uncles can clearly have favorites. It’s the privilege of not being a parent. Just don’t tell Sophia. Her kids are nightmares, adorable nightmares. But still nightmares.”

“I won’t. And you’re sure you don’t need me to talk to mom and dad?”

“Positive. I only needed someone to vent to.”

“And Sophia was busy?”

Adriana laughed loudly, the sound tickling his ear. 

“Oh, whatever. I know you and Sophia also have a secret group chat where you discuss things without me.”

“I plead the fifth. Make sure not to let Christopher eat too much ice cream. He will definitely try getting his way.”

“Meh, what Christopher wants he’ll more than likely get. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he has a healthy dose of vegetables for dinner.”

“Thanks, that will definitely offset the sugar crash,” Eddie rolled his eyes. 

“Respectfully, Eddie. I don’t appreciate the sarcasm in your voice right now. Alright, I’ll let you go for real now. I’m pretty sure that’s Christopher knocking at my door. I told him we would leave in twenty minutes and it’s probably been more than that already.”

“Alright, have fun. Give Christopher my love.”

“Always do. Bye, love you.”

“Bye, love you too.”

Adriana was first to end the call. Eddie stood up and began to head back to the baseball field, until he saw Samuel walking toward him. It felt like a true deja vu moment. 

“You came? I didn’t see you earlier,” Eddie said. “Have you been here for long?”

Samuel rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, my meeting ran longer than I thought. I’ve been here for a bit. I only stepped out to grab a snack at the concession stand, when I saw you talking. Seemed to be having a serious conversation. I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“Oh, it was only Adriana. Needed my advice on something."

“How is she doing?”

“She’s doing good.”

“That’s good to hear. Is she still dancing?”

“Yes, she is.”

“That’s great. She was always a great performer. I remember when we went to her dance recital and she was the only one who remembered the whole routine.”

“Adriana was born to be a star. I should probably get back, I think I stepped away for too long. My team is probably wondering where I am.” 

Before heading back, Eddie turned to Samuel. 

“We're going to Bela’s Bar, once the game is over. Do you want to come?” Eddie questioned, thinking it would be considerate to extend the invitation. “I can give you a ride.”

Samuel grinned at him. “I’d love to come. I was able to get a rental car, but thanks for the offer. Just text me the address, whenever you all are about to head out there.”

“I will.”

Eddie turned back around and headed out to the field. Eddie must’ve been on the phone longer than he thought because everyone was out on the field now shaking each other’s hands. Eddie looked at the scoreboard and thankfully saw that 118 had once again claimed victory over the 133.

“Hey, there you are. We’re about to take pictures,” Buck exclaimed, running over to pull him onto the diamond. “That was a long phone call. Everything okay?”

“Yes, it’s all good. Adriana called me and needed someone to vent to.”

“Is she still having trouble adjusting to life at home?”

“Wait, how do you know about that? I haven’t told you about her moving back in with our parents.”

“No, you didn’t. She told me,” Buck exclaimed, as he was led to where he should be standing for the picture. 

“Since when are you two on a talking basis?”

“I follow your sisters on instagram. Adriana has the most aesthetically pleasing feed I have ever seen. We send each other memes sometimes. I saw her post about her injury and reached out, since I had the same experience where it felt like your whole life gets upended…especially when you have a career where being at your best physical condition is a requirement,” Buck recalled. 

Eddie reached out to tightly grasp Buck’s hand. Buck smiled and squeezed back. Eddie released his hand, having to step away so that Chimney could stand in front of him for the picture. 

Buck continued what he was saying, while simultaneously listening to the directions of the photographer. Eddie didn’t have the same multi-tasking ability, as Buck pulled him in by his waist whenever the photographer gave directions to Eddie. 

“Thinking you won’t be able to do your job anymore because of a work related injury sucks. I gave her my number to offer advice and she’s been texting me a few times now. Is that okay?”

“Buck, that’s more than okay. Thank you so much,” Eddie smiled. “It’s good to know, she’s hearing this from more than me and Sophia. Sometimes you need to hear a voice different than your family's. Every bit of encouragement helps.”

“You Diaz crew are tough. I have no doubt she’ll be dancing in no time and booking every single audition she goes on.”  

Eddie couldn’t understand Buck’s propensity to love so deeply without knowing much about a person. It was one of Buck’s more endearing qualities — a quality that made it hard for Eddie to swallow the three worded phrase that stuck to his tongue. 

They continued taking pictures, until the photographer was satisfied. After that, they began packing up lawn chairs, coolers, tents, and anything else that they had brought. Samuel caught Buck and Eddie as they were putting the coolers into his truck. 

“I thought I saw him sitting in the crowd, but I wasn’t sure,” Buck told him, eyes peering up at Samuel. 

“Yeah, I invited him.”

“Oh, cool. Didn’t know he had that much free time in his busy schedule,” Buck mocked, but quieted when Samuel came up to them. 

Curiously, Eddie looked at him wondering what was the reason for the tone shift.

“Did you all need any more help packing things up?” Samuel inquired, stepping by Eddie’s truck. 

“No, that’s the last of it. Thanks though. Buck, do you remember if it’s the Bela’s on 21st or the one on Maple?”

“It’s the one on Maple.”

“Okay, I’m going to text you the address,” Eddie passed along to Samuel. 

“Oh, you’re coming?” Buck raised his eyebrow, watching Samuel. 

“Yes, I figured I had it in my busy schedule to have a night out,” Samuel replied back, having caught onto what Buck had said. 

“Great, it’ll be fun. Eddie I’m going to head to my car. I’ll see you there,” Buck stated, waving back at them. 

Eddie closed his passenger door, after making sure none of the coolers were leaking. The ice had been poured out, but there was still some water remaining. 

“Follow me out?” Eddie asked, grabbing his keys out of his bag.  

“Yeah, I’ll drive over here and follow right behind you,” Samuel nodded, heading to his car. 

Eddie waited for Samuel to drive his car behind Eddie’s, before he pulled out of the parking lot. 

Everyone had arrived at the bar, by the time Eddie pulled into the parking spot. Eddie had accidentally taken the wrong exit and it was a while before he could loop back around. 

He waited for Samuel to park beside him. Samuel got out of his car and walked to Eddie. Samuel looked up at the flickering bright neon sign, illuminating the parking lot. 

“You all come here a lot?” Samuel questioned, looking back at Eddie. 

“Whenever we can. It’s a nice place to hang out. The bar owners are really nice and the environment is enjoyable. Food is just as good. I think you’ll like it.”

“I think I will too. It’s funny. This will be the first time we’ve legally drank together,” Samuel chuckled, calling to mind the time he and Eddie had gotten into his mom’s wine collection. 

Mrs. Williamson didn’t catch onto the fact that one of her wine bottles had been diluted with water. Either that or she never truly cared. It wasn’t as though the two young boys made it a habit of drinking. 

“Indeed. Can you hold your drink or are you still a lightweight?”

“You’re one to talk. That one cup had you knocked out the entire night. I was worried that you had gotten alcohol poisoning. I had just gone over that lesson in health class. Didn’t know alcohol could affect someone that quickly.”

Eddie waved him off. “Sure, sure.”

“But I probably won’t drink more than one glass. I have another meeting in the morning so I can’t stay out late either.”

“Again? You’re really having all these meetings back to back?” Eddie questioned as Samuel opened the bar door, for him to step inside.

Samuel followed behind Eddie, who walked to where he knew his friends would be. 

“That’s the purpose of this trip. I’m meeting with different donors. Whole point of my job right now is sucking up to people who give you millions of money, so the people who need help don’t have to pay a dime.”

“I hope you meet some nice donors,” Eddie said, immediately coming up on his friends who had taken up the space of half the bar. “Hey, guys. Hope you don’t mind, I brought a guest.”

“Of course, the more the merrier,” Karen insisted, having not been there for the frosty dinner banquet.

Meanwhile he looked to his friends, who had varying expressions. But his main focus was on Buck, who didn’t look pleased at the addition. Buck knew he was bringing Samuel and he was fine with it, when it was first mentioned. Buck looked up, having an idea he had been caught. 

He schooled his expression into a smile. 

Eddie introduced Samuel to everyone, minus Bobby and Athena who had opted to go home after the game. 

“It’s nice to meet you all. Glad to see Eddie found himself a good community out here,” Samuel brightly grinned, resting his arm behind Eddie’s chair. 

“We love Eddie. Have been very fortunate to have him at the 118,” Hen proudly agreed. “So Samuel you’re a bit of a mystery to us, why’s that?”

“Hen,” Karen coughed, hitting at her chest because she drank too quickly. “What my dear wife means to ask is how do you know Eddie? We don’t get the chance to learn more about each other’s lives outside of work and family.”

“We were best friends,” Samuel told them. 

"Were? What happened there?" Chimney spoke, then coughed as Maddie sharply elbowed him in his side. 

“Really? You knew Eddie, when he was a kid?” Ravi brightly asked. 

“Almost. We didn’t become friends until I was twelve and Eddie was eleven, when his family moved into our neighborhood. My mom got on with Mrs. Diaz like a house on fire…oh sorry. Probably shouldn’t say that to a bunch of firefighters.”

“How long are you in town for?” Maddie implored. 

“Until the end of July. Then I’m back in Austin.”

“Have you been enjoying your time here?”

“Yes, I’ve been having a great time so far,” Samuel grinned, looking at Eddie. 

Eddie weakly smiled, watching as Hen raised an eyebrow in his direction. She cocked her head to the side, but Eddie shook his head. 

Samuel dutifully answered the rest of their questions, most of them mirroring the ones he had been asked at brunch. Thankfully, they didn’t ask questions that were too serious. He could tell they wanted to ask more, but were aware this wasn’t the situation that called for a deeper conversation. 

The question portion of the night was broken-up, when Captain Mehta stood up in the middle of the bar. He held his drink high in the air, tapping his fork against the glass. 

“In honor of another successful Firefighter Championship and the 118 victory, the first round is on me,” he yelled out to everyone’s applause. “For the 118 only. I’d still like to have money in my bank by the end of the night.”

The station under his command jokingly booed at the footnote, but continued congratulating the 118 on their win. Some even came by and said they’d win against them next time. They could try, but Eddie didn’t foresee winning in the 133’s future anytime soon. 

The waiter came by taking everyone’s drink and meal orders. They all continued talking, catching up on what they had been doing for the week. Ravi even updated them on how his side hustle was fairing. 

“I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact you’re a landlord,” Karen mused, sipping at her strawberry margarita. 

“Honestly, Bobby and Athena have been my best tenets so far. I’m going to miss having them,” Ravi sadly reflected. “But I’m glad they’re making faster progress in their home rebuild. I told them they should add a movie room.”

“What’d they say?”

“No, because then everyone would be there all the time,” Ravi complained. “I’ve been looking at different applications from people who can take over their lease. I found one person who is incredible on paper, but they want to make the apartment into some home zoo with a bunch of snakes. Erin in 101A won’t like that.”

“How long do you plan on being a landlord?” Chimney asked. 

Ravi shrugged. “I don’t know. Initially, I started because I wanted some extra cash to help pay for law school.”

“You were going to go to law school?”

“I did,” Ravi said, tilting his head in confusion. “I thought you all knew I graduated from Duke.”

“Since when?” Buck questioned. “You said you graduated from UNC.”

“Yeah, I got my bachelor’s there.”

“Whoa, that’s incredible,” Samuel praised. “My sister got her dual-degree from there. Really enjoyed her time.”

“I’m sorry. When did you have the time to do undergrad and law school? I didn’t even know you wanted to be a lawyer,” Buck gasped, startled at the little information he had on Ravi. 

“I didn’t want to be a lawyer. My mom was a lawyer and I figured I could try that. Finished school and didn’t want to take the California Bar Exam. Then as luck would have it, I became inspired when I was watching this firefighter show called Fire Flame.”

“Creative name.”

“It wasn’t that good to be honest, but I signed up for the fire academy the next day. Nearly gave my parents a heart attack.”

“Ravi, you have lived so many lives,” Karen said in awe. 

“You’re our own Forrest Gump,” Chimney proclaimed. 

“Who?” Ravi asked. "Is that some old historical figure?"

Chimney collapsed in his seat. “You’ve never watched Forrest Gump ? Maddie, everyday I’m reminded how old I am.”

“Oh, sweetie. You’re still young at heart,” Maddie joyfully answered. “ Forrest Gump is an older movie with Tom Hanks as the lead. His character had a lot of different careers. For one he was an astronaut.”

“Oh, it’s a movie. No, I haven’t seen it.”

“Add it to your list. It’s a good one.” 

They continued talking, waiting for their food to arrive. Samuel moved more into Eddie’s space, pulling his attention from Buck who had begun speaking. He smiled toothily at him and Eddie didn’t know what to do with that closeness. 

“What?” Eddie implored, wondering what had Samuel looking at him that way.

“Nothing. I can’t stop looking at you for some reason. Keep pinching myself thinking this isn’t real and I’ll be back home in Austin, having never seen you,” Samuel said, his voice getting lost in the company of the bar. 

“Well, here I am,” Eddie lamely said. 

“Eddie, are we still on for lunch tomorrow?” Buck interrupted. 

Eddie tried remembering, if they had any scheduled plans for lunch. He didn’t remember making any plans, but he was fine grabbing lunch with Buck. 

“Oh, I wanted to see if we could grab lunch tomorrow,” Samuel interjected. 

Eddie’s eyes widened, not sure how to play this. He didn’t have to ruminate any longer. Buck sighed and moved away from him. 

“We can reschedule. After all, you're only here for a short time. Then you’re gone,” Buck grinned, but his tone felt oddly mocking. “Eddie and I can reschedule for dinner, right?”

“Yeah, of course. We can grab dinner later,” Eddie agreed. 

“Good,” Buck stated. 

“Hey, where’s Tommy? I thought you said he was ten minutes away,” Maddie brought attention to Tommy's absence. 

“That’s what he said. I texted him a few minutes ago, but he hasn’t responded yet.”

Buck took inventory of everyone’s expressions, sans Samuel. He threw his head back and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“Hurry up. Say what you all want to say, before he shows up. I know you all have been holding back.”

Karen noisily sipped at her drink. “I didn’t say anything.”

“How’s everything going with Tommy?” Hen questioned. “Karen said she saw the two of you at Calypso Kitchen. She said she wanted to say hi, but she was there for a work meeting. But she said you two looked tense.”

“You could’ve said hi,” Buck turned to face her. 

“You both looked like you were having a serious conversation. Thought it’d be rude to interrupt,” Karen explained. 

 “I don’t know. Things were tense. I don’t really know how to explain it.”

“Maybe the honeymoon phase is over,” Chimney stated. 

“There’d have to be a honeymoon phase for a honeymoon phase to have ended,” Buck replied, shocking himself with his answer.  

“I thought you two were having a good time together,” Ravi exclaimed. “Weren’t you two just thinking of taking a couple’s trip?”

“Yeah, but…I don’t know. Things have felt off lately. I think I grabbed onto the idea of a relationship and-”

“You wanted it to work,” Maddie sweetly finished his sentence. 

“I wanted it to work,” Buck repeated, looking down at the table. “It’s why I’m trying to take more time on my free days to spend more time with him. Or I’ll invite him out, when we all meet-up.”

Eddie had been on the receiving end of a lot of texts where Buck asked if he wanted to hangout with him and Tommy. Eddie would have rather bought a Roomba than be a third-wheel. He would politely refuse, saying he had other plans. Buck knew he was lying, but never brought it back up again. 

“I think we have two very different personalities and the more time we spend together the more I question whether I can imagine being together a year from now, two years from now, and so on and so forth. Still trying to figure out if this works…if we work.”

“Did Tommy do anything?” Chimney questioned, a threat at the tip of his tongue. “Because I want you to be fully aware that man is a very far off distant associate.”

“Same,” Hen replied. “Sometimes, I see that he’s in the group photos for the medal ceremony and I’m tempted to get Denny to photoshop him out.”

“Ask Denny what his photoshopping rates are,” Chimney suggested. 

Buck tilted his head in confusion. “Where’s this coming from? I thought you two liked Tommy.”

Karen snorted, shocking the whole table. Karen covered her mouth, stopping the bubbling giggles from escaping. “Sorry, sorry. Buck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh.”

“No, what’s the matter? I thought everyone gave me their blessing essentially. Thought we all liked Tommy, especially after he helped us find Athena and Bobby.”

“I will always be thankful for that, but I wouldn’t call Tommy a friend. He’s a former co-worker, who I didn’t miss when he decided to put in his letter of resignation.” 

“But we didn’t want to sway your opinion on him,” Chimney added. “You were excited for your first relationship with a guy. And I don’t know…I pushed aside my feelings about him. Figured maybe you’d have a different relationship with him than we did. Maybe he changed.”

“What’d he do?” Buck asked, eyes going between Hen and Chimney. 

“He hasn’t spoken to you about his time at 118?” Karen frowned. She pushed her braids off of her shoulder, though one fell forward as she leaned closer to Buck.

“No, not really. He’ll mention it sometimes, when I talk about how much I love working there. He’ll only say he didn’t love the station enough to not be swayed by a new shiny job. Doesn’t talk that much outside of work. I’ll hear about his family every now and then.” 

Chimney tapped his fingers on the desk. 

“Eddie? Do you like Tommy?” Buck asked, his shoulder bumping into his as he turned. 

What he meant to say was, “You like him. That’s all that matters.”

He wanted to sound supportive, which is why he didn’t know why he said, “I don’t like him for you.”

For the first time, Buck had nothing to say in response. He stared at Eddie, unblinkingly. Eddie didn’t take his eyes away from Buck, wanting to portray his unspoken apology. 

“Why?” Buck rasped, reaching out — fingers only an inch away from where his elbow rested on the table. “Why isn’t he good for me, Eddie?”

Eddie could hear Buck asking subtly who was good for him. Eddie was afraid of whatever answer he would give. Thankfully, he was stopped from that moment of panic. 

Tommy had finally arrived, a cool hush settling over the table. Maddie had been the first to spot him and raised her hand, waving him over. Buck glanced at everyone, understanding that the conversation was tabled until a more appropriate time. 

“Hey, sorry traffic was crazy. And then my uber driver drove to the Bela Bar on 21st and not this one,” Tommy excused, tilting down to press a kiss on Buck’s lips. 

“It’s fine. We only ordered a few minutes ago. Someone should be back soon, so you can order something.”

“Oh, I’ll just share with you. I’m pretty full. I had an early dinner with a friend,” Tommy told him, pulling Buck’s chair closer to him. 

“Okay.”

“Hey, man. I see you were finally able to meet everyone,” Tommy greeted, moving over Buck to clasp Samuel’s hand. 

Eddie sat back in his chair as they shook each other's hands. 

“Yeah, it’s good meeting everyone,” Samuel noted, warily looking at Eddie. He was probably wondering how easy it was for them to adjust to the arrival of the person of their conversation. 

“Man, it is hot out there. I don’t know how you guys played today. I would’ve passed out from this heat,” Tommy responded. “By the way, congratulations on the win. Buck told me you all had a really good game.”

The rest of them continued talking about the game, regaling him with various highlights. Meanwhile, Samuel scooted in closer to Eddie’s chair. 

Samuel whispered into his ear, “You all are really close, huh?”

“What do you mean?” Eddie whispered back. 

“Like you’re all family basically. ‘Cause that conversation was tough. Poor dude doesn’t even know what he’s stepping into.”

Eddie recoiled. “We’re protective. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Samuel held his hands up defensively. “Sorry, my bad. I’ve never been in a situation where my coworkers cared that much about me. That’s why I said you’re all family.”

“They’ve been through a lot with me. We all watch out for each other’s back,” Eddie defended. 

“I’m glad you have that,” Samuel honestly stated. 

“Yes, I’m very blessed to have 118 as a family,” Eddie stressed, wanting to take his mind off of how off-putting Samuel’s observance was. He didn’t know everything that they had been through as a team. He didn’t know how much they all collectively cared about Buck and wanted to watch out for him. 

Samuel would never get it. And Eddie couldn’t find it in him to try to get Samuel to understand. 

He wished their food would hurry up and be brought out. That way he could have a distraction not to talk. 

It was taking a while for their food to come out. The 133 and 118 had come out in large numbers. It was surprisingly busy on a Tuesday night, but Eddie thought the large crowd was also in part to the free wings offered on Tuesday. 

Eddie relaxed into his chair, until a familiar song began playing. Samuel perked up beside him, pulling at his arm. 

“You still have those moves,” he teased, standing up and holding his hand out to Eddie. 

Hen raised her eyebrow, having gotten up herself to be led by Karen’s pull. She passed him, eyes going toward Samuel’s outstretched hand. 

Eddie stood, playfully swatting his hand. 

“I can still do a line dance or two,” Eddie moved, brushing past Samuel to follow Karen and Hen. 

He joined them on the dance floor, feet moving in the repetitive instructions of his song. Samuel saddled up next to him, falling into step.

Beside them Hen spun Karen around, laughter chasing the two of them. 

Samuel stumbled into his space, having been thrown off by someone bumping into him. His hand swiped past his back, inadvertently turning him into his space. 

Eddie stepped back, knocking into Hen who fixed him with a worried glance. 

Eventually, they turned back to face their table. Buck’s heavy gaze struck Eddie like a chord. He was turning away, before he could decipher the depth in Bucky’s eyes. 

“I see you still got it,” Samuel chimed.

“I told you I did,” Eddie yelled back, having to be heard over the loud music. 

The music continued and Eddie felt a body press against his back. A hand tentatively reached out so as to not surprise him. 

Eddie looked back to see the hand belonging to the stranger and saw it was Buck. He swiveled his head back to their table to where Tommy was holding a conversation with Chimney and Maddie. 

“I’ve never learned this one. Teach me,” Buck asked, drawing his attention back to him. He leant down just enough so he wouldn’t have to shout. 

Eddie grabbed his hand pulling him on his left side. “Follow my steps. Kick your right foot out twice,” Eddie taught. 

Buck learned the simple moves. Hen and Karen applauded him as the dance continued. Buck, having caught onto how other people were doctoring up the dance and adding their own flair, he began to mirror them. 

Eddie’s breath caught in his throat as his hands found themselves on Eddie’s waist as Eddie turned in front of them. 

Samuel narrowed his eyes and reached out to Eddie, pulling him out of Buck's hold. He could feel Buck resisting, hands tight on his waist. Then his fingers glided against his skin, brushing lightly as his shirt moved up an inch. The dance had him moving away from both of them and Eddie felt he could breathe again. 

Hen turned to him, eyes watchful and observant. She didn’t say anything, but he could tell she was searching for something. 

Thankfully, the song ended before she could find whatever she sought after. 

They returned to their table, still having no food on it. The table in front of them had just received theirs so maybe their food would come out in ten minutes or so.

“You want to play a game of pool?” Eddie questioned, realizing it would still be a bit of time before they got their food. 

“Yeah, sounds fun.”

“We’re going to go play a game of pool. Let us know, when the food is brought out,” Eddie told Buck. 

“Oh, you’re playing right now? I’ll come too. Tommy, you want to play?” Buck asked, already getting out of his chair and bringing his drink with him. 

“Yeah, sounds fun.”

Ravi told them that he would come find them later, once the food arrived. They headed to one of the pool tables nearest to the bar. Eddie took out the rack and began arranging the billiard balls. He had to steal one of the 8-balls from another table because theirs was missing. 

Usually, Buck and Eddie played against each other. And when they played with other people, they would always play together in a team. They had a natural instinct to join up, before realizing their situation. Buck looked chagrined that he had to play with Tommy. But he settled into the game nicely, lining up his shot and sinking two of the stripes. 

He shot a finger at Eddie, before blowing on it. Eddie waved him away. “Alright, you’re off to a fairly good start Buck.”

“A good start leads to a victorious win.”

“We’ll see.” 

They continued playing, the area growing crowded as more people began to play pool or throw darts. The table next to them, looked around for an 8-ball. Eddie didn’t look at them as to call for their suspicion. 

“You’re pretty good at this,” Samuel spoke, watching Tommy take his turn. “Who would have known Eddie Diaz could play pool.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” Eddie told him, sauntering back to the table as Tommy couldn’t sink anything. 

“Guess, all those lessons paid off,” Buck jeered, becoming eye level with the table. “Be careful not to get too comfortable. I already see your posture loosening.”

“I have perfect posture,” Eddie inhaled, bending at the waist so he could line up his shot. “I’ve won many times against you. I don’t need your help correcting my posture.”

“Don’t you?”

Buck’s hands went to his shoulder, pressing lightly then lowering to the center of his spine. Eddie’s stick jumped from his hand and sunk the white ball. 

“See, don’t let your ego cost you.”

“You distracted me on purpose.”

Buck walked away as if to say, “Okay, and?”

“Is that how you want to play it?” Eddie challenged. 

“Only if you’re up to it,” Buck dared. “I take stripes. You take solids?”

“Fine. You want to go first or should I?”

“I’m always a gentlemen, you can go first. I’m not worried,” Buck boasted. 

“You’ll be eating your words in a bit,” Eddie told him, removing the rack from the balls. Eddie stepped back and analyzed where he wanted to sink his first shot. He moved Buck out of his way, since he was in his line of direction. 

His first shot helped scatter the balls, but none of them went in. Buck took the next turn, sinking only one. The two went back and forth, giving each other playful jabs. Eddie hip-checked Buck as he went to breathe in his ear. Buck shot up, missing his shot and bouncing the ball onto the floor. 

“That’s not fair. You know I’m ticklish.”

Buck rubbed at his ear. 

Eddie shrugged his shoulders, watching as Buck retrieved the ball and put it back onto the table. 

“All I did was breathe. You’re going to get on me for breathing?”

Eddie lined up his next shot, effectively sinking two solids. They carried on with the game this time more competitively goal-oriented. 

Buck won the game, but only because of his distraction tactics. They were quick to start another game, until they heard Tommy clearing his throat behind them. 

“Are we going to get a chance to play anytime soon? Or are you two going to keep going back and forth?” Tommy asked, raising his eyebrow completely unimpressed. 

Likewise Samuel was looking at Eddie with an analytical glare. However, he chose not to say anything. 

“Of course. Sorry, we kind of took over things,” Eddie apologized, handing his cue stick to Samuel. 

Buck went to sit on one of the stools situated closest to their pool table. Eddie continued standing, crossing his arms over his chest while he waited for Tommy to finish his turn. 

Next it was Samuel’s turn again, going back to their original order now that it wasn’t just Buck and Eddie playing. 

Samuel brushed against his back, hand grazing his right shoulder. 

Eddie looked up to see Buck tensely clenching his jaw so tight he could see the way his jaw muscles flexed. Buck leant back on the stool, spreading his legs wide and propping his pool cue stick between his thighs. 

He took a sip of his drink while his eyes were tracking Samuel. Eddie knew Samuel was an attractive guy, but why was he commanding so much of Buck’s attention? He felt bad, when he realized he wanted some of that attention dedicated toward him. 

But then he would look up to see Tommy standing by Buck. Then he would remember why he couldn’t have all of his attention. He didn’t deserve to be the subject of Buck’s unwavering stare. 

Samuel lined up his shot and hit it with perfect execution. He pushed back his shoulders, beaming with pride at Eddie. 

“Show off,” he mumbled. 

“Hey, we’re on the same team,” Samuel chuckled. He unbuttoned the top collar of his shirt, showcasing the thin silver chain around his neck. “I think your friends might need some help in learning the games of pool with how bad they’re losing.”

Buck jumped out of his seat. “There’s nothing wrong with my game.”

Samuel gave him a cursory once over then laughed amusingly. “We’ll see about that.”

The two continued playing pool, going a few rounds. They settled on the best three out of five. Then Samuel and Buck got into this strange competitive thing where they decided to go against each other one on one. Tommy and Eddie were left, standing on the side. 

Tommy sighed, looking down at his phone. “This definitely isn’t how I imagined my night going.”

“What do you mean?” Eddie questioned more so to continue the conversation than him actually caring. 

Tommy incredulously stared back at him then sighed sharply. “Nothing.”

Eddie narrowed his eyes, but chose not to say anything. He walked closer to Samuel and Buck who were now going against each other. He motioned to the bar and then, “I’m going to grab some water at the bar. Did any of you want anything?”

“No, I’m good.”

“I’m good, thanks Eddie,” Buck replied, lining up his shot. 

Neither of them looked up, when he asked. They were too focused on the game. He asked Tommy if he wanted something. Tommy asked him to bring him back a beer.

“Okay, I’ll be right back.”

Eddie went to the bar and ordered the two drinks. He was about to turn around and head back, when he was stopped by someone bumping into him. Fortunately, he had managed to get out of the man’s way and not spill the drinks. 

“Excuse me,” he said as he tried to move away from him, but he blocked him against the bar. 

The man was older. He looked to be maybe twenty years Eddie’s senior. His eyes were blocked by his cap pulled low over his eyes. 

“You're going to say excuse me, boy?” the man drawled around the toothpick, resting on his chapped lips. 

“I already did,” Eddie repeated.

“No, boy. Say it nicer,” the man chided, hitting the lips of his beer bottle on Eddie’s chin. 

Eddie wanted to say he wasn’t a boy. He was a grown adult. Unfortunately, he knew the man was well past drunk, from the lack of clarity in his speech. Eddie ran his tongue against the back of his teeth and clenched his hands. 

“Excuse me,” Eddie repeated. “Now, if you will please step out of my way.”

“You think you’re better than me?”

“Man, seriously. What’s your problem? All I want to do is get back to my friends. Now if you could kindly-” Eddie stopped, wincing as the man pushed him. The push caused him to ram his hip into the bar counter. 

The man threw off his hat, revealing the man’s cul-de-sac hairline. He harshly chewed the toothpick, the sharp end pointed in Eddie’s direction. 

The pain in his hip was now a dull throb. It’d probably be a small bruise, when he woke up in the morning. Him and his icy hot pad were about to be bosom buddies. The man walked closer to him, the bottle of his drink now resting on Eddie’s shoulder. 

Eddie didn’t have time for the anger of an uncoordinated drunk man. He pushed back, being careful of the drinks still in his hand. The man stumbled a bit and kicked his leg out, making Eddie trip.

Eddie had to thank his training of tripping over Lego blocks, while holding a cup of coffee. Otherwise, those drinks in his hand would have fallen on the floor. 

Eddie wasn’t going to give that man the time of the day, 'til he felt a hand turn him around. Eddie braced himself for a hit that was sure to land on his right cheek. When he didn’t feel the pressure of knuckles go across his cheeks, he opened his eyes. 

“It’d be very wise for you to step away,” Buck commanded, holding the man’s wrist in his hand. 

The man splashed the remainder of his beer on Buck, completely unprompted. Buck jolted back as beer ran from his eyes down to the collar of his t-shirt. 

“That boy-”

“Is a grown man. I’d be very careful with what you say next,” Buck snarled. 

The man ripped his hand from Buck’s grasp. Buck easily let him go, having stepped completely in front of Eddie. The man spat out his toothpick. It landed a few inches away from Eddie’s shoes. 

He was about to make the unwise decision of speaking, until a woman could be heard yelling out for him. 

“Uncle Willie!” a woman yelled, running up to them. 

Willie tried running away, but was stopped in his pursuit by Samuel, who had also shown up. 

“I am so sorry for my uncle. I’ll pay for laundry. Oh my gosh, Uncle Willie you’ve really done it now. These are firefighters. You poured beer on firefighters. You’re going to go to jail and mom is going to kill me. I thought you’d be fine with one drink.”

Eddie turned to the woman. “It’s okay. No one was seriously hurt. I’d recommend taking your uncle home though. He’s far past his limit.”

“Yes, thank you. Thank you,” the woman continued to repeat, while dragging her uncle away. The man continued to sputter out drunken ramblings that lowered in volume the further they got away. 

Buck wiped at his face with his hands. Tommy reached across the bar to grab some napkins. Samuel moved to take the drinks out of Eddie’s hands. Eddie easily let the drinks go, not even feeling thirsty anymore. 

Samuel sat him down in a chair, hands immediately going to his waist. Eddie couldn’t stop the sharp noise of pain escaping from his clenched teeth. Samuel was pushed away as Buck stepped in front of him. 

Samuel grunted at the harsh shove. Buck looked back, apologizing quickly to Sammy then refocused on Eddie. 

“You okay?” Buck said, ducking his head to look for any signs of hurt. 

“Buck, I’m fine. The only thing I may have hurt is my hip, when I got pushed into the counter. It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” Buck disagreed. 

“Hey, they brought out the food,” Ravi alerted, walking toward them. 

He looked at the way Buck was situated in between his  legs. He saw the exact moment Ravi clocked the way Samuel awkwardly hovered over Buck’s shoulder and how Tommy crossed his arms, staring at Buck and Eddie with his lips stretched into a thin line. 

“I’m sensing some very weird tension right now, so I’m going to leave,” Ravi said, backing up the way he had come. 

“Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up,” Eddie dragged Buck by his wrist. 

The other two didn’t follow them, so Eddie didn’t feel bad about leaving them behind. 

They moved between people casually standing in the hallway leading to the restroom. Eddie sneezed at the heavy trail of smoke emanating from the area. This bar was a no-smoking zone, but he guessed some of the patrons didn’t care. 

He opened the restroom door and began unzipping his jacket, while Buck wet some paper towels so he could wipe at his face and neck. 

“Man, I’m going to be smelling like cheap beer forever,” Buck forlornly groaned. He threw away the wet paper towels and gasped, when he saw Eddie shirtless. 

“What? I’m giving you my shirt. My jacket isn’t made out of stretchable material, but my shirt is. It’ll be a tight fit, but you like wearing smaller shirts anyway. And it’s better than a shirt that smells like beer.”

“That’s not what I’m looking at, Eddie,” Buck said, stepping closer putting his hand over where Eddie’s skin was the warmest. 

Eddie sucked in a sharp inhale, as his hands covered what was sure to be a blossoming bruise. Eddie observed how Buck’s eyes lowered, caught on the skin above his pelvic bone. His thumb traced the skin there, catching the fabric of his waistband. 

He guided him closer and Eddie allowed himself to be pulled. He watched Buck’s throat move as he swallowed air. The restroom was stuffy from humidity and smoke. But Eddie felt this was the most clear-headed he felt in weeks. 

His chest rose and dropped, warm skin gliding against beer-soaked cotton. The smell would probably transfer onto his skin. 

“Eddie,” Buck silently rasped, his voice growing hoarse with an attempt to restrain all that he wanted to say. 

“Buck,” Eddie called out his name like a vow. 

Buck’s eyes flickered back up from his waist and then to his eyes. Eddie stared at the way his mouth parted either with words or action. 

“Dude, I don’t know if you two are up to some freaky shit, but I would like you to know someone else is in here,” a voice slurred, knocking at one of the stall doors. “I’d prefer not to hear people getting it on as I’m puking my guts out.”

Eddie stepped away and handed his shirt to Buck. He grabbed his jacket from where he had hung it over on one of the stall doors. Buck took the offered shirt and hung it on the stall door, while he began to take his own shirt off. 

Eddie watched, with rapt attention, how Buck took off his shirt. His hands gripped the hem of the shirt, skin peeking out from underneath the fabric. Eddie watched how the name “Buckley” slid from the back of his waist to his shoulders and past his head. 

Even though the shirt was dirty and soaked in beer, Buck still took the time to fold it. He handed his shirt to Eddie, so he could put on Eddie’s dry and beer-free shirt. 

There was a knock at the restroom door. Eddie looked over Buck’s shoulder to see Samuel creak open the door. 

“Hey, sorry to interrupt. Eddie, I’m about to head out. I have an early meeting tomorrow morning. I wanted to stay and eat with you all, but I really shouldn’t be out this late.”

“Oh, did you at least get it packed to go?” Eddie cleared his throat, anxious at how this situation looked with both of them shirtless in the bar of a restroom. 

“Yeah, I already got it in a to-go box.”

“Good, let me…wait a second. I’ll walk you out.”

“Okay, I’ll be out here,” Samuel replied, looking once more between the two of them with a tight-drawn expression on his face. 

Eddie zipped up his jacket, not wanting to give a free show to the people in the bar. He walked out the restroom and followed Samuel outside to his car. 

Samuel opened his car door and stood against it. “Are you and Buck exes?”

Eddie spluttered, choking on air. 

“Excuse me? What?”

“I know you aren’t together now, but the energy between you two is different.”

“No, we’re not exes of any sort. Buck’s my friend. We’re only friends.”

“And there’s never been more between you two?” Samuel curiously questioned. 

“No,” Eddie confidently denied, though he couldn’t dispel the way it felt like he had a pinched artery in his heart. 

Samuel moved his head to the side, peering at him with a calculative stare. He didn’t know if he found what he was looking for. Samuel nodded his head and opened his car door further, putting one leg inside. 

“I’ll text you later about lunch tomorrow,” Samuel told him. 

“Sounds good. Drive safely,” Eddie instructed, closing Samuel’s car door for him. 

Samuel looked at him from behind tinted windows and waved goodbye. Eddie stepped closer to his own car as Samuel began to pull out of his parking spot. He continued to watch him, all the way up until he turned onto the side road, heading back to his hotel. 

He went back inside, walking back to their table. His food had gotten cold by then, but he didn’t care. Briefly, he noted how his shirt stretched across Buck’s frame. Maybe whatever the shirt was made of didn’t have the same stretchable material as his other shirts because this shirt looked like it was one second from ripping at the sleeves. 

They continued eating, keeping the conversation lively with mindless chatter. At one point, Eddie pushed some of his plate near Buck, so he could eat some of his food. For all that Tommy spoke about being full, he did eat a lot of what Buck had ordered. 

Eddie looked up and almost laughed at the scowl on Maddie’s face. Poor woman could never hide what she was feeling. Maddie sat back in her chair, resting against Chimney’s chest. 

Maddie whispered into Chimney’s ear. “I’m trying to find it. I truly am, but I swear-”

Nobody else seemed to hear them, but Eddie. 

Tommy looked at his watch and sighed. “I think it’s my time to head out too. I’m on call for the rest of the night and want to get a quick power-nap just in case. It was nice seeing you all again. Evan, walk me out?”

Buck nodded his head, following Tommy outside of the bar. 

“Why does he always have to mention he’s on call,” Hen muttered under her breath, watching as Buck walked Tommy out. 

They finished eating their food, waiting for Buck to arrive. It took a while for him to come back. Maddie was five seconds away from going outside and checking on Buck to see if he was okay. The concern was justified, when Buck came back not even a second after Maddie stood up. His eyes were tinged red and his mouth was turned downward. 

“I think I just broke up with Tommy. No, I did break-up with Tommy,” Buck corrected. 

“Buck,” Maddie gently placated. “What happened?”

They were all confused because it did seem sudden. What had happened in the nearly twenty-minutes, since Buck walked Tommy out. 

“I hope you didn’t make this decision based on our feelings,” Hen stated. 

“No, I think I was holding onto something that had reached its expiration date weeks ago. But then hearing everything tonight made the decision easier,” Buck explained. “I was worried you all would think here goes Buck in and out of a relationship again .”

“Oh, honey we wouldn’t think that,” Karen said. 

“He was a nice guy,” Buck muttered. 

“Is nice all you want? Is nice enough for you?” Hen implored. 

Buck paused, carefully thinking about his answer. 

“No, it's not enough. I just think I was waiting so long for someone to fill this space I’ve been carving out that I got impatient.”

Buck groaned, running his hands over his face. “I thought anyone could fit into that specific mold and rushed to see if they fit. As long as they were nice, I’d continue to let them try.”

Buck paused, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Other times, I'd chip away at the space I carved. I would break it apart and try to reshape it to the person I met. I did that with Tommy. Part of me wanted to use old clay and reuse it to fit someone whom I thought I could grow to maybe not love, but have a good life with. I don’t want to do that anymore.”

“Buck, you don’t have to try making something work because you think it should,” Karen advised. 

“I know that now. I think I saw how close Tommy was to fitting into that space. I didn’t pay much attention to the cracks, when they first appeared as he tried working himself into that hollowed space of clay.”

“And it’s okay that you’re figuring this out now. Some people stay in relationships, simply because it’s good. But you deserve more than good,” Maddie professed. “You’ll find someone who changes your world completely in the most beautiful and loving way. Like me and Chimney.”

Chimney kissed her on the cheek. 

“Or me and Karen,” Hen added, pulling Karen closer into her side. 

“I’m still single. But yeah…love this my captain, my captain moment,” Ravi grinned, bringing a lightness to the conversation. 

“You’ll know, when you know,” Maddie smiled. 

Buck longingly looked up past Eddie’s shoulder, then smiled at Maddie. “I already know.”

“You do,” Karen perked up, growing more interested. 

“I’ve already hollowed out the perfect space, the perfect vase to put my love into and watch it bloom. The name has already been carved onto it.”

Eddie’s mouth grew dry as Buck spoke with deep affection. Maddie’s eyes slid to Eddie, before darting away as Eddie caught her gaze. Eddie frowned. Was she wondering whether he knew who Buck was talking about? He could assure her that he was just as lost. 

Buck never mentioned anyone besides Tommy. 

“I’ve made a very unique vase, where only their flowers will thrive. I just need to be patient and wait for them. It’s not their season yet, but I feel it will be soon. Even if it isn’t, I’d wait an eternity and then some for them.”

Karen swooned, throwing her hands against her cheek. “I think my heart fluttered.”

Buck laughed bashfully, cheeks brightening to a pink flush. 

Eddie began to feel disheartened. He wouldn’t allow himself to hope that he could be the person on Buck’s mind. However, knowing that Buck already had someone he was waiting for hurt him. Who was the person that commanded so much of Buck’s heart that he would wait an eternity for them? 

Eddie wanted to find that selfish person and shake their shoulders, hopefully their brain would rattle into place. Because how could they miss out on the love from someone so wonderful as Buck? 

“That is interesting,” Maddie said, taking a slow sip of her drink and then conspiratorially looking at Hen. 

Hen smirked. “Interesting indeed.”

Maddie clasped her hands in a praying position and held her head toward the ceiling. Hen clapped excitedly. Karen looked on with veiled amusement. 

What were they hiding? He wanted them to clue him in. Did they know who Buck was talking about?

“Well, cheers to being single at least until you find that person,” Karen cheered, raising her drink in the air. 

A shift happened at that moment. Drinks flowed endlessly for those who weren’t driving. Karen had even pulled Buck back out onto the dance floor. Hen was quick to follow. Ravi left sometime later, having to go back to his apartment since his roommate locked himself out. 

The night continued on and Buck was the only one who remained on the dance floor. Hen and Karen were next to leave, wanting to get home to relieve their babysitter. Chimney questioned whether they should tell Buck to drink some water, so he can make it back home. Buck wasn’t even tipsy yet, but if he had a few more drinks he would surely get there. 

“Let him have his fun,” Eddie softly admired. “I’ll drive him home. He can stay with me tonight.”

Maddie smiled. “Yeah, let him have his fun. He deserves it. We took an uber here because I thought we’d be drinking tonight. But we didn’t. We can drive his car back to ours. Saves us money.”

Maddie reached over to grab Buck’s keys that were on the table. They talked for another hour, before Maddie and Chimney reached their limit for the night. 

Maddie checked-in with him one more time, before she and Chimney left. He told them to make it home safely and that he would be by their house tomorrow with Buck, so he could pick up his jeep. Chimney grabbed Maddie’s jacket as she went to press a kiss on Eddie’s cheek. 

“Don’t let him keep you out too long,” Maddie teased, pulling her arms into her jacket. 

“I won’t. I’ll make sure he’s tucked in before bed-time,” Eddie grinned. 

Maddie smiled and gave one last goodbye. Eddie settled back into his seat, the leather cracking underneath him. He ordered another water all the while sending back any drinks that were sent his way. Occasionally, he saw them sitting somewhere in the bar and sent a nod of thanks. But he wasn’t in the habit of taking free drinks from strangers, especially when he was designated driver. 

It was Buck’s time to have fun and Eddie was going to make sure he enjoyed his night. Eddie didn’t take his eyes off of him, scared that if he looked away for a second Buck would find himself in a place Eddie couldn’t find. 

He watched as people asked him to dance. He saw the ways his eyes would light with interest, feeding off of the attention. One time Buck looked up at him, eyes heavy  with intent as his hands wrapped around the waist of his dance partner. Eddie looked away for the first time, since Buck had begun dancing. He couldn’t stand the heat of that gaze directed toward him. 

When he looked back, Buck had already chosen a new dance partner. Sometimes he would step away and head back to their table. He would stay for a few seconds, long enough to gulp down some water or whatever drink he had ordered. Then he was rushing back into the thrum of dancing people. 

He continued on like this for a while, until Eddie looked down at his watch and saw that nearly two hours had passed. It was about to be almost two in the morning and the bar closed at three. Eddie got up from his chair and began heading to the dance floor. 

Buck was a sleepy drunk. Sure, he had a good four hours in him where he was an excitable overeager golden-retriever hyped on sugar. Then hour five would creep up on him and Buck’s eyes would slowly blink closed then quickly blink open—like he was proving to an uncaring bystander that he wasn’t sleeping. 

Eddie walked straight toward Buck. The crowd around him had grown sparse as the night grew on. Eddie was thankful he didn’t have to push through many people to locate Buck. 

The music playing became background noise as Eddie focused on Buck. Though still fighting sleep, Buck continued dancing. 

His dance moves were a bit more uncoordinated and that was saying a lot because—and don’t tell Buck he said this—Buck didn’t have a lot of rhythm in his body. Line dances were easier, But boy, did he try and sometimes succeeded whenever he had a good dance partner. 

He also did well with line dances, since those were a bit more structured. 

The lights continued flickering overhead. It had a sort of dizzying effect; however, Eddie’s nausea cleared the moment he saw the colors reflecting off of Buck’s sweat slicked skin. The t-shirt that read “Diaz” on his lower back, clung to the skin of his waist. Sweat trailed from his chin and traveled into the divot of his collarbone becoming more pronounced every time Buck inhaled. 

Eddie was tempted to let him stay a little longer, but then he saw Buck’s legs buckle underneath him. Buck corrected the misstep, laughing at whoever was near him. Stepping into his space, he tapped Buck on the shoulder. Buck’s eyebrows drew toward his nose and then the expression eased, seeing Eddie behind the interruption. 

“Are you ready to head out?” Eddie questioned, while the bar owner was doing last calls. 

Buck tilted his head to the side, body swaying in either direction. He let the question linger and then nodded his head. Eddie took him by the wrist. Buck followed without complaint. 

Eddie stopped at their table, making sure they hadn’t forgotten anything there. He looked under the table to see that Hen’s wallet had been dropped onto the floor. He would make sure to drop by her house and give it to her tomorrow. 

“Where’d everyone else go?” Buck sleepily mumbled, noticing for the first time that all of their friends had left. There were only a few people left from the 133, still nursing their drink at the bar. 

“They left a little while ago,” Eddie explained as he led the both of them out to his truck. “Chimney drove your car back to his place. Didn’t want to leave it here overnight. I’ll drive you to their house tomorrow, so you can pick it up.”

Buck nodded, head already tilting down to his chest. Eddie made quick work of making sure his seat was buckled. Eddie got into the car and rolled down the windows. It had cooled down tremendously and he didn’t need the AC on full blast. 

Buck’s soft snores joined the alluring tones of whatever music was being played on Eddie’s phone. He clicked on a random playlist and found that he enjoyed it enough to not switch to something else. He’d have to look at it when he got home and add it to his favorites. 

They arrived home in a good amount of time, due to traffic not being congested. That was a lot to be happy about. It was easy getting Buck inside the house too. The only difficult thing was when it came time to change Buck into his sleep wear. 

He managed to get Buck awake and alert enough to change into some sweatpants. The shirt took a bit longer, trying to stretch the tight shirt off of Buck’s broad shoulders. He had finally gotten it off with little assistance from Buck. 

He tried putting a looser shirt on Buck, but he had zero assistance with that. Eddie chose his battles wisely. Therefore, Buck would be sleeping shirtless. It was probably for the best, since Buck would probably wake up complaining about feeling hot if the shirt had been left on. 

He decided early on that Buck would take the bed and he would take the couch. But in helping Buck change out of his shirt, Buck had completely given up on standing and fell on top of the bed—which wouldn’t have been bad had Eddie been anywhere else besides directly in front of Buck. 

“Come on, Buck. You have to help me out a little here,” Eddie groaned from underneath the weight of Buck’s body. Buck shook his head, nuzzling into Eddie’s shoulder. He hummed in the back of his throat, the sound materializing into vibrations on Eddie’s chest. 

Eddie pushed at his shoulders with a little more force behind it this time. Buck only clung onto him tighter, hands pulling at the fabric of Eddie’s jacket. Buck brought his head up from Eddie’s shoulder, lips hovering over hot skin. 

“Stay,” he muttered, blinking sleepily at him. 

Sea blue-green eyes became incandescent—an alluring shade of blue transfixing the sole subject of its desires. Eyelashes framed the eyes, melting into a litany of colors Eddie could never give name to. He had tried for years to describe the color of his eyes, but even here in this moment offset by the yellowed light of his lamp, he still could not complete that task. 

Unbidden, his hands moved from its caged position, underneath Buck’s body. Without having permission from his mind, his body moved on its own accord. Fingers lightly traced his birthmark and moved to rest along his cheek. 

Their softened breaths moved in tandem with one another. It was a humbling, when that was the only thing Eddie could center his focus on. Eddie caressed Buck’s alcohol-flushed skin. 

“You have to let me up, Buck.”

“Why?” Buck questioned. He fully rested his head against Eddie’s palm. 

“Because I’d like to go to sleep. And you need some rest to sleep off all those drinks you had,” Eddie stated, lowering his hand from Buck’s cheek to push at his shoulder. 

This time Buck allowed the direction. Eddie could feel Buck’s eyes on him as he switched out of his jacket and pants, in exchange for sweats he had cut into shorts. He’d leave a shower for tomorrow. He was too exhausted to do much more. 

When he turned around to say goodnight, Buck had gotten up to follow him. Eddie went back and pushed him onto the bed. By then Buck had lost any energy to stop Eddie from tucking him in. But he did grab Eddie’s hand before he left. 

“What Buck?”

“I can’t go to sleep,” Buck blinked up at him. 

“You haven’t even closed your eyes and tried yet. Trust me as soon as you do, you’ll be asleep in a few seconds.”

Buck shook his head. “No…what if—what if I don’t wake up?”

Eddie frowned, unsure of the reasoning behind that fear. “You will.”

“What if I don’t?”

Eddie sat by him, tucking one of his legs underneath him. He ran his fingers through Buck’s hair, playing with one strand that was beginning to curl. 

“Hey, where’s this coming from?” Eddie gently questioned. 

Buck turned away, pulling the sheets high over his chest. 

“Buck,” Eddie mumbled in a hushed tone. 

“Can you just…stay? Please, for tonight. I…I need you to stay,” he confessed in the comfort of cotton sheets, hiding himself from Eddie’s curious gaze. 

Eddie pulled back the covers, fingers meeting Buck’s where he had a tight hold on the sheets. Buck’s shoulders were drawn tight to his ears whose tips had grown red. 

“I haven’t been getting good sleep,” Buck murmured. “ I’m scared to go to sleep. But sleep is so good, when you’re here. I don’t get scared of waking up and finding out you’re gone.”

“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” Eddie promised, twisting the curl he had been playing with around his finger. 

“Then stay,” Buck breathed, his eyes closing from the weight of exhaustion. 

“Always,” Eddie quietly soothed, hoping to chase away any doubts or fears that troubled Buck’s mind. 

Eddie grew concerned. He noticed Buck kept his days busy. He always had something on his calendar. He noted Buck yawned more and took fewer naps in the bunkroom. However, he hadn’t thought it was a far deviation from Buck’s normal behavior. 

Maybe something more was going on, but Eddie didn’t want to ask him more, when his lips would give way to secrets Buck wasn’t ready to share. Eddie would wait, until Buck was sober and of clear mind. 

While waiting, Eddie would continue to lay beside him in this small bed of his—not entirely fit for two grown adults. Eddie sat up against the headboard, sleepily running his hands through Buck’s hair. 

Eventually, he too joined Buck in a peaceful rest.

Chapter Text

The arguments that I have won against you in my head

In the shower, in the car, and in the mirror before bed

Yeah, I’m so tough when I’m alone

And I make you feel so guilty

And I fantasize about a time you’re a little fuckin’ sorry

And I try to understand why you would do all this to me

You must be so insecure, you must be so unhappy

And I know in my heart 

Hurt people hurt people

And we both drew blood,

But, man, those cuts were never equal

And I try to be tough, but I wanna scream

How could anybody do the things you did so easily?

And I say I don’t care

I say that I’m fine

But you know I can’t let it go

I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried for so long

It takes strength to forgive, but I don’t feel strong

the grudge, Oliva Rodrigo

Funerals freaked Eddie out. 

Actually, that was too broad of a statement to explain the feeling that encompassed Eddie’s body every time he had to attend a funeral. Funerals scared him to death — the humor was not lost on him. He mourned the moment his dad came into his room and handed him his polished black oxford dress shoes. Eddie would slide his feet into the shoes with the lingering smell of polish still on them. His dad had polished his shoes so well that he could see his face in them. He looked terrified. 

The fear of funerals began, when he was six years old. Before he was six, he had never attended a funeral. There had been a few deaths in the family, but for some reason he never went to a funeral. That all changed, when one day his dad announced that they would be going to Mrs. Robinson’s funeral. 

Mrs. Robinson was the wife of his dad’s boss. His dad wanted to extend his condolences to the family. Eddie didn’t know why that meant their whole family had to go to the funeral. His mom and dad argued over the matter, before his mom acquiesced. 

His mom tried getting three kids into their 1975 Ford Maverick. His mom hated the car. She fought endlessly with his dad over the burnt sienna color. He remembered his mom yelling about how old the car was and how his dad was spending too much money trying to fix it up. It stayed in their garage for years, until his dad was able to get all the necessary parts to get it up and running.

Eddie didn’t care too much for the car. He didn’t like the way it shook nor did he like how they couldn’t get rid of the cigarette smell that clung to the cloth seats no matter how many car air fresheners hung on the rearview mirror. 

He didn’t love the car and was always ready to get out of it. But on that day, he wished he had stayed in their car. 

He was only six, completely unaware of the concept of death. He had an inkling toward its level of permanence. His abuela tried talking to him about death, but he didn’t listen. He wished that he had paid more attention. 

Because on that day, Eddie had to walk by that stranger’s casket. He didn't know that was a part of a funeral. When he saw what lay inside the stained oak casket, he couldn’t stop screaming. Hurriedly, his mom managed to pull him outside of the church. His mom tried to console him, but in between a teething baby and Sophia’s sympathetic crying, her hands were tied. 

They had stayed in the car, until his dad came out of the church hours later. He threw the obituary into the glove compartment and drove back home, furious at Eddie for embarrassing him in front of his boss and co-workers. Eddie couldn’t understand how blasé his parents were about what they had seen in that church. 

Eddie had nightmares for months of pale papery skin and cracked red lips. He threw away all of his mom’s red lipsticks, after he saw her put on an identical shade to the one Mrs. Robinson had on her lips. 

Eddie vowed to himself that he would never attend any more funerals in his life. And he kept that promise all the way until his abuelo passed. 

His abuelo passed, right after Eddie’s fourteenth birthday. It shook his whole family to their very core. His abuelo was the foundation of the entire family. He was the patriarch that all the men looked up to. He was rigid, but he was kind. He was strict, but he was forgiving.  

Eddie hadn’t stepped to the casket. Despite his dad's insistence that he get one last goodbye, Eddie stayed firmly planted in his seat. He had said goodbye to his abuelo days ago. On the other hand, his sisters chose to get one more look at their abuelo. He was shocked that Sophia chose to get one last look. 

After the funeral, his whole family gathered at his abuelo’s ranch. There was so much food lined up in the kitchen. Some of it had to be put in the dining room. Eddie went upstairs into his tia ’s room to try and take a nap. It was the furthest away from every other room in the house, meaning that it would be the last place anyone would think of to look for Eddie. 

Unfortunately, his napping spot was already preoccupied. The door was cracked as though whoever was in there had forgotten to close it behind themselves. Eddie was about to find another napping spot, until he heard voices rise in tone. 

His feet led him closer to the door. He stood a few inches away in case the door suddenly opened. Eddie couldn’t hear all that was being spoken. Spanish was being intermingled with English in rapid succession. His dad wasn’t around often enough to speak Spanish to him and his siblings. And his mom didn’t speak Spanish fluently. He could only catch onto a few words. 

Eddie sank against the wall in relief, when they switched to English. He wanted to know the cause of the angry voices. It sounded serious. 

“Pepa. Dad was never going to leave you the ranch,” Hector, the second oldest, groused. 

“Yes, he was before you all got into his head. I have loved this ranch forever. I was the one who would get up early to check the chicken pens and clean the stables. I was the one who translated for dad, whenever those men would come by our house and try to get him to sell this land.”

“Congratulations, on staying on top of your chores and being dad’s good little helper. You want a medal?” his dad mocked. 

“Ramon, I’m not talking to you,” Pepa screamed at him frustratingly. “And I don’t want a medal! I want this ranch.” 

“Come on, Pepa. Be serious. Why would dad leave the ranch to someone who is thousands of miles away in California?” Louisa, the youngest, chimed. 

“Oh, please. Like any of you all stayed? None of you have any ground to stand on. As soon as Ramon got his degree, he left this ranch and ran off with the first woman who could put up with him.”

His dad sputtered at the callout. 

“Hector, left to go on some back-packing trip around the world. Louisa, left to be a singer on a cruise. Bella, decided to shack up with a married man and be fine hidden in some loft apartment in Chicago.”

“Pepa, you’ve gone too far,” Louisa claimed, in defense of Bella. 

“Pepa…” Bella, the third oldest whispered. 

“And I stayed behind, taking care of dad and mom,” Pepa continued, not caring how deep her words cut. She wanted them to hurt.

“Do you know how hard it was doing this alone? Do you know how difficult it was getting dad to realize he couldn’t take care of this ranch, the same way he did when we were kids? Do you know how hard it was going to the doctor’s office and having them look down on us, not taking dad’s health seriously? No, none of you know anything!” Pepa berated. 

All of her younger siblings remained silent. None of them could say anything to defend their past actions. 

“But you always talked. Every time I did anything for our parents, you would criticize me. And then, when I asked for a break…a small break of being dad’s caretaker all of a sudden no one was available.”

“So you decided to leave. Great decision making,” his dad snorted.  

“Because I couldn’t handle it anymore! All of your disappointments and derisive gazes. Even now, you look at me with contempt. Probably because you all think dad passing is my fault.”

“Of course we don’t think that Pepa,” Bella soothed. “None of us do, right?”

Murmured agreements fell into the room. 

“I was always going to come back. I just needed a break,” Pepa whispered. “I just wanted a break. I didn’t choose to leave because I didn’t love dad anymore. I didn’t leave because I grew tired of this ranch. I left to see if I could learn to be someone whose purpose isn’t just a caretaker.”

“Well, then you can go back to California. Dad definitely doesn’t need a caretaker now, does he?” Hector griped. 

“Why are you being so callous about this Hector? His death pains me. He’s my dad and he’s gone,” Pepa sniffed. 

“You don’t act like it,” his dad said. 

“Ramon,” Louisa gasped out. “Don’t say that.”

“Just because I wasn’t biologically his, doesn’t mean that he isn’t my dad,” Pepa furiously shot out. 

“Goodness, Pepa. Stop twisting my words around. I didn’t say that,” his dad exclaimed. 

“Guys, stop it. This is going too far now. What if mom hears us? You think it won’t break her heart even further to hear her children arguing the day that her husband was laid to rest? Why don’t we take some time to cool down. This is a very emotional day for all of us,” Bella stated. 

Eddie couldn’t hear anymore as Bella closed the door. Eddie waited a few more seconds to see if he could hear anything. He moved away from the wall and pressed his ear to the door. The conversation was muffled and it sounded like they had switched back to Spanish. 

He saw the doorknob turn and hurried to walk away, but Pepa caught sight of him before he could flee. 

“Oh, Eddie,” Pepa gasped, pressing a hand to her heart. “How long have you been standing out here?”

Eddie scuffed his shoe into the carpet, mumbling under his breath. “I just walked by. Wanted to find somewhere to take a nap.”

Pepa wiped at her eyes causing jagged lines of mascara to smudge on her cheeks. “This room is occupied. Here, I’ll take you to my room. You can nap there. Doubt anyone will bother you and it’s the only room besides your abuela’s that has a door lock.”

Eddie was led away by Pepa. Her room was the closest to the top of the stairs. It was the smallest out of the house, but it was also the most loved room. Pepa had posters and all her clothing designs tacked onto the wall. It was probably best that Pepa had moved to California so she could pursue her dreams of being a fashion designer. 

Pepa waited at the door, choosing not to go in. She smiled sadly at him. 

Eddie turned around and walked back to her. He threw his arms around her. Pepa hugged him back. 

“Are you okay?” Eddie asked. 

Pepa sniffed, turning her face into the lapels of his suit jacket. Eddie hadn’t hit his growth spurt yet and Pepa still had on her heels. So the hug was a bit awkward with her having to lean down a few inches. 

“I really hate funerals.”

“I hate funerals too,” Eddie agreed. 

Pepa drew back from him, laughing at his winced expression. “Let’s hope we don’t have to go anymore.”

“I really hope we don’t.”

Pepa sighed tiredly, the day and the conversation with her siblings having completely drained her. Eddie took out the handkerchief his dad had let him borrow. He reached out and wiped at his tia’s face. The white handkerchief became black as it erased all signs of crying from his tia’s face. Once satisfied, he handed his handkerchief to her. 

“You’re such a sweet boy, Eddie,” Pepa sniffled, taking the offered handkerchief from his hands. 

Eddie’s cheeks flushed at the compliment. Pepa looked at the door and then back at Eddie. 

“You mind, if I hang out in here with you for a few more minutes? Don’t really want to go back out there,” Pepa timidly smiled, like she was scared to joke around. 

Eddie shrugged his shoulders. “It’s your room.”

Pepa laughed brightly for the first time that day. “You are right. This is my room. Since it’s my room, make sure to take your shoes off. I managed to keep my carpet for all these years.”

Pepa sat down on her bed and unbuckled her heels. She slipped them off her feet with a relieved sigh. Eddie sat down by her with his feet, clad in navy blue socks, dangling a few inches away from touching the pink rug. His mom said it didn’t match his black suit, but Eddie couldn’t find his white or black socks. Besides it didn’t matter, no one could even see his socks. His mom worried for nothing. 

His tia sighed once more and fell back on the bed. Her wavy hair pillowed around her like a halo. Eddie fell back on the bed as well, staring up at her ceiling that was decorated with glow in the dark star stickers. 

He turned his face to watch Pepa as she closed her eyes. He could see the tight way she closed her eyes. Eyelashes become wet with tears. Her mouth trembled from restraining her cries. She pressed the handkerchief to her nose as her sniffles became wet and loud. 

Eddie reached out to hold the hand that wasn’t pressed over her face. Pepa’s hands were soft and warm. The callouses she had built up from years of working on the ranch and tailoring clothes had slowly given way to softer skin. He wondered if it was the benefits of the skincare she was using. She had a lot of glass bottles on her cherry wood dresser. 

Pepa tightened her grasp. Eddie didn’t tell her that it was tight. He wanted to help his tia in any way, shape, or form he could. If he could only hold her hand through this, he would do that. 

Silent tears fell down her cheeks, further smudging the mascara that she had already wiped away from her face. Her chest expanded with each harsh breath between pursed lips. Eddie wondered if it hurt, trying to keep everything from spilling out. 

Someone knocked at the door and gently cracked it open. His tio saw the state his wife was in and turned saddened eyes toward her. 

“Oh, honey,” Paco cooed, walking toward Pepa. 

Pepa drew the handkerchief from her face and as soon as she met the eyes of her husband, all efforts to keep her emotions at bay were proven futile. Paco immediately drew her forward, wrapping his arms underneath her back to pull her into a sitting position. 

Pepa fell into his embrace. Her fingers slipped away from Eddie’s as she wrapped her arms tightly around Paco. Eddie was worried Paco wouldn’t be able to breathe with how strongly Pepa’s arms were wrapped around his neck. But Paco didn’t move Pepa’s arms. He only wrapped his arms around her waist even tighter. 

“He’s really gone,” Pepa gasped. “I didn’t even get to say goodbye. Everyone got to say goodbye, but me. Why did everyone else get the chance to say goodbye?"

“I am so sorry, my love. I know this is hard,” Paco regretfully said, kissing her forehead. He moved one arm away from her waist to tangle his fingers into her hair. “It’s been hard holding everything together today, hasn’t it?”

“It’s been so hard,” Pepa wailed. “The last thing I told him was…Paco it was so bad. I said I didn’t want the ranch, but I lied. I lied. And he gave it to Hector. I didn’t mean it, Paco.”

“I know, honey. You were angry. I’m sure your dad was aware of that. I don’t think he gave the ranch to Hector out of spite. I think he did it because he genuinely thought you didn’t want to stay here anymore. I think he saw how much you were enjoying your time in California. He didn’t want to put any more strain on you. My love, I know you love this ranch. I do. But you were always so tired of taking care of everything.”

Pepa sniffled. “I would’ve been fine. I could've handled it.”

“I know you could’ve, but have you thought that maybe your dad didn’t want you to go through life simply handling things and being fine?”

Pepa shook her head. 

“I know it’s hard being the oldest daughter. You had responsibilities the moment you were born. I think as your dad got older, he realized that this wasn’t a responsibility you should bear. Do you really want the ranch? If so, I will stand right beside you as we fight for it. I will make sure this ranch is yours,” Paco rallied behind her. 

Paco paused as he untangled his hands from Pepa’s hair. He gently moved her hands away from his neck, so that they could be looking at each other. 

“But if you only want the ranch because you feel you’re indebted to your dad, after that last argument — then honey, that’s not what your dad would have wanted. Your dad never wanted you to feel like you owed him anything.”

Pepa blinked at him, the action slow with how her bottom lashes stuck to her lower lashes due to a mixture of tears, mascara, and eyeliner. 

“But I do owe him. He took me in, even when I wasn’t his,” Pepa choked around a cry. “I owe him everything.”

“Honey, he’s your dad. Blood doesn’t dictate who is and isn't family. It never mattered with him. When I asked for your hand in marriage, he told me to protect his baby girl, his oldest child. You were always his. Don’t let your siblings get in your head about this. They’re acting out in grief.”

Pepa wiped at her cheeks. “It feels wrong to admit I don’t want the ranch.”

“It’s okay to feel that way,” Paco validated. 

“Hector is going to need help though, learning how everything is run,” Pepa said as she cleared her throat.

"Then we can stay longer to make sure Hector settles in nicely. I’m sure your dad already began teaching him how to run the ranch. He wouldn’t have put it in the hands of someone he didn’t trust to care for and love this ranch.”

“You’re right.”

“Man, do I love to hear you tell me I’m right,” Paco said, kissing her shoulder. “Say it again.”

Pepa screeched, playfully swatting at Paco’s shoulder. “Alright, you have your rare moments of wisdom. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

Paco chuckled and kissed her head. “You ready to go back out there? Or did you need some more time?”

Pepa groaned and began to put back on her heels. “It’s probably best if I go out there, before they send out a search warrant.”

Paco held out his hands for Pepa. She stood up and dusted off her dress. Paco leant down to ruffle Eddie's hair. 

“And are you doing okay, Eddie?”

It was the first time today that someone asked Eddie if he was okay. He hadn’t spent a lot of time with his abuelo. They would only ever see each other, during holidays or family gatherings. His dad wouldn’t drive them out to the ranch every week, even though the rest of the family would always come over the ranch to have Sunday dinner. 

Eddie didn’t think it was fine for him to feel anything, but okay. He nodded at his tio, who was looking at him and waiting for a response.  

“Yes, I’m doing okay.”

“Okay,” Paco said relievedly. “I know your parents probably talk to you, but Pepa and I are here for you anytime. You ever want to talk about how you’re okay or not okay, we’re only a phone call away.”

“Okay, thanks.”

Pepa stretched her hands out in front of her and cracked her knuckles. Her hands dropped back to her side as Paco went to open her door. 

“Well, I have to go back to the wolves. I shall live vicariously through you as you hide away taking your nap,” Pepa said. “If anyone asks where you are, I’ll say you’re taking a nap. That way you won’t be bothered.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Pepa smiled. “I’ll make sure to say goodbye, before Paco and I head back home to California. Okay?”

Eddie nodded his head, grateful that this time they wouldn’t be leaving without goodbyes. The first time they had left, they hadn’t told Eddie goodbye. Eddie had waited outside his house and then by the telephone. His favorite tio and tia wouldn’t leave him without saying goodbye. But they had. 

Though now he wondered, if they were so busy rushing to leave that they had simply forgotten about him. Eddie wouldn’t blame them. After hearing what he heard today, he wouldn’t blame them at all for leaving without saying any goodbyes. 

But he was glad Pepa was promising to say goodbye this time. 

“Okay.”

Pepa ruffled his hair, the action a bit difficult because of the amount of gel his mom put in his hair. His tia discreetly wiped her hands on her dress. She kissed Eddie on the cheek and then both she and Paco left the room. 

He found the events of the day emotionally and mentally draining. He wondered if Pepa hadn’t needed to tend to all of the guests in the house, as the oldest daughter, would she too have chosen to hide here in her childhood room and escape the expectations that were placed on her?

Eddie imagined it must be nice to seek solace in someone — to have someone open their arms and fall into them. He could only dream of having that sort of allowance to rest his worries and sadness on someone else in order to receive comfort from them. It must be nice. 

Eddie wondered if he would ever have someone be there for him like how his tio was there for his tia. 

Those thoughts continued to fill his mind as his body grew lax from sleep.

Eddie looked around the small BBQ restaurant. He hadn’t tried this spot before, but the reviews were fairly positive. He stared at the red and white checkered tablecloth. Barbecue sauces were placed toward the middle of the table. One was spicy and the other was mild. Eddie debated which one was better. 

Samuel planned to meet him there thirty minutes ago. His meeting lasted longer than he planned. He texted that he was just leaving. That text had been sent ten minutes ago.

Eddie wished he told him that earlier. Then he wouldn’t have been sitting alone for a long extended amount of time. There weren’t too many people in the small restaurant. It was far too early for lunch. More people would come out closer to the late afternoon. 

The waitress came by and set down two glasses of water. Eddie nodded in thanks. She walked away to check on the only other people in the restaurant. Eddie scrolled through his phone, checking messages he already read. 

Christopher sent him a game on iMessage. It still wasn’t a text message with words. However, it was the first time Christopher reached out, since he had made that call. He didn’t even care that Christopher chose a game he knew he wasn’t good at. He shut off his phone, after making his move on Connect Four. 

His leg bounced nervously to the point it knocked against the bottom of the table. He placed his hand on top of his knee, trying to command it to stop moving so much. 

He opened his phone and checked again to see if Samuel had messaged him an update on his ETA. He hadn’t. He began hoping that Samuel would cancel. At least then it wouldn’t be on him, when they couldn’t meet. 

Frank said Eddie had a chokehold on casual avoidance. He hadn’t known what that meant, but Frank explained it to him in their most recent session. Eddie told him about inviting Samuel out to the baseball game. He thought Frank would have been proud of him. He wasn’t avoiding Samuel. 

Frank decided that Eddie was indeed avoiding Samuel in a more subvert and casual way. The conversation began with Eddie talking about how difficult it was talking to Samuel and finding a sense of normalcy in things. 

He confided in Frank that it was hard to start a conversation with Samuel, while maintaining an air of levity. In all the times he had talked to Samuel, he made sure to keep the conversation on safe territory. He would joke, he would laugh, and he would smile anytime Samuel brought up their shared childhood experiences. 

Frank had asked him why he felt the need to keep things light. 

“Why do you do that?”

“Do what?” Eddie questioned, looking anywhere but at Frank. 

Eddie had made the disastrous mistake of sitting on the chair, directly opposite of Frank. For all his critiques of the chaise, the chaise had the advantageous position of being situated furthest away from Frank. It made the stare Frank levied on Eddie, not seem as serious. Up close, the stare was heavy. 

“Whenever you talk about Samuel, you  always make it a point to say that you keep the conversation light. Why do you feel the need to mention that distinction?”

“Because that’s…because Frank,” Eddie frustratingly stuttered. 

“Okay, let me ask you this.”

“Sure, ask away.”

Frank set his journal down on his lap. Eddie’s eyes were drawn to the open pages where Frank hadn’t written anything. Eddie didn’t like how it was completely blank. He would have preferred for it to be full with notes. Empty pages meant Frank was connecting the dots in his mind, before putting the thoughts to paper. Eddie hated, when he did that because he would write so much more than he normally would. 

“Have you tried letting the conversation flow naturally?”

“Naturally?”

“Yes, have you let the conversation flow naturally. Or have you made plot points of what to avoid in your conversation? In your mind, have you already planned out what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it?” Frank hinted. 

Eddie’s jaw clenched. He turned to face the small clock hung on Frank’s wall. He watched the tiny hand tick away. 

“Eddie,” Frank brought his attention back toward him. “Why are you planning out your conversations?”

“Because it’s easier.”

“Why?"

Eddie opened and closed his mouth a few times, his words having completely failed him. 

Frank nodded, taking the time to write in his journal. Eddie looked down at the words. He wished Frank had better penmanship. He didn’t know how Frank looked at his notes and was able to decipher his ineligible writings. It was a brunch of scrawled letters that didn’t even follow the border lines to keep the words from crossing into another sentence. 

Frank clicked his pen, the ball point disappearing again. He settled back to look at Eddie, who still couldn’t meet his gaze. 

“Why won’t you let the conversation naturally progress outside of the boundaries you’ve set?”

“You said boundaries are good,” Eddie murmured.

“Boundaries are good. However, I am worried that it’s not so much a boundary as it is a clear avoidance of discussing things. What I want to know is whether you’re doing it because you’re not ready, you don’t want to, or you’re scared.”

If this had been months ago, Eddie would have strongly opposed someone saying he was scared. However, he could only sit with what Frank was saying. 

“It’s difficult,” Eddie surmised. 

Frank clicked his pen again, posed to jot things down the moment Eddie further explained what he meant. 

“What’s difficult?”

“Letting the conversation flow naturally. It’s hard to open the conversation up.”

“Why is it difficult to open up the conversation?”

“You ask a lot of questions, Frank.”

“Perks of the job,” Frank smiled. “Tell me why you’re finding it difficult to talk to Samuel, when you don’t have your guard up? What scares you about having an in-depth conversation with Samuel?”

“Because…” Eddie stopped, throwing his hands up in the air. “Because Frank. I don’t know.”

“Why are you angry at Samuel?” Frank redirected the question. 

“I never said I was angry,” Eddie dismissed. 

“What emotion just flickered in your body? Catch that feeling and try to describe it to me,” Frank implored. 

Eddie blinked at him. “There wasn’t a certain emotion.”

"There was,” Frank insinuated. “It was there for a quick second, before you caught yourself. You do that a lot. This time, I want you to recognize it and let that emotion settle. In fact, you don’t have to tell me what emotion it is. Take a few minutes and try describing that feeling to yourself.”

Frank turned back to his journal, giving Eddie a moment of privacy. It was at that time, Eddie wished he hadn’t thrown away the emotions’ chart Frank had given him. That would’ve been helpful.

Eddie tried doing what was asked, but it was hard. Even though Eddie had said he wasn’t angry, he couldn’t help getting rid of the sharp sting of bitterness. He didn’t want to say bitterness became heightened with resentment. The resentment tasted acidic. It burned the lingering aftertaste of bitterness. 

How could he have said any of that to Frank without raising suspicion or concern? 

The sound of scribbling stopped. Frank clicked his pen again and rested it on the journal. He wrote even more. If Eddie said anything else, Frank would have to flip to the next page.

“You figure it out?” Frank quietly asked. 

Eddie shrugged his shoulders and nodded. 

Frank comfortingly smiled at him. “That’s really good, Eddie. That’s a huge accomplishment.”

Eddie bit at the inside of his cheeks to stop himself from smiling. He didn’t want Frank thinking he was happy for receiving acknowledgment that he was improving at this whole therapy thing. He had a reputation to uphold. 

“In thinking about that emotion, does it help you to understand why you’re choosing to hangout in group settings?”

“We’ve met alone,” Eddie reminded Frank. 

“Grabbing coffee and then rushing off to work isn’t exactly a good means for having a one-on-one in depth conversation. Unless you met up with him alone on another occasion?”

“I didn’t rush off…I had to make it to work on time. And no…I haven’t met him alone since then.”

“Why?”

“Because…I…” Eddie licked at his lips that had suddenly gone dry. He reached into his pocket and took out some Chapstick. “I find it uncomfortable, okay.”

“Why do you find it uncomfortable to be alone with him?”

“Because if I confront him, I’m afraid I’ll be so angry that I won’t know how to get out of that pit of darkness. I’m angry that every single happy memory we had stopped after the spring of my senior year. He doesn’t recall how much…”

Eddie broke away from his sentence. The back of his teeth slid across each other as he clenched his jaw. 

“How much he hurt you?” Frank caught the sentence lingering in the air and decided to finish it for him. 

Eddie recoiled like he had been slapped across his face. 

“He didn’t hurt me,” Eddie immediately denied. 

“Okay, but you said confront him. You didn’t say ‘If I talk to him’ or ‘If I’m alone with him.’ Instead you said, ‘If I confront him.’ There is some part of you that wants to confront him. That’s why you’re choosing not to meet up with him alone.”

“I wouldn’t say it like that.”

“Then how would you phrase things? Why are you inviting him to your team’s baseball game? Why not invite him to lunch with only the two of you?”

Eddie raised his shoulders high to his ears and then dropped them. “Man, I don’t know. Figured you’d tell me with all the notes you’re writing.”

“Eddie, why don’t you want to be angry?”

Eddie narrowed his eyes on him. 

“Stop that.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop sounding all patronizing or whatever. You’re spoon feeding me the question like I can’t handle it. I’m tough. Ask whatever you want to ask.”

“It isn’t my intention to sound patronizing.”

Frank sighed through his nose and rolled his shoulders back. His expression smoothed out into an eerie sense of calm that unsettled Eddie. Maybe he did need to be spoon fed the question. 

“Confrontation can be daunting, especially when you’re confronting someone you had a close relationship with.”

By then Frank had stopped using the term friendship, in regards to Samuel and Eddie. When Eddie hadn’t corrected him, the second time he said it, Frank had taken it as permission. Eddie had spoken more about his and Samuel’s past, specifically the summer where his family was in Sweden. Frank didn’t label the relationship and that was the only reason Eddie could feel comfortable with the word relationship becoming a nice umbrella term for what they were to each other. 

“You may assume that you’ve undeservedly inflicted pain onto them by bringing into conversation the ways that they’ve hurt you. You don't want to make the other person feel bad. So you shy away from conflict. You fight against the impulse to ask what went wrong.”

Eddie put his head down, not liking where Frank was heading. 

“However, in doing this…who are you protecting? Because it’s not you. I think you’re beginning to realize that a lot of things you’re dealing with presently are in some way a consequence of you never receiving closure. You think you’ve been managing this for all these years. But have you really? Do you think, when he leaves in a few weeks, that you’ll be able to close off all of these memories again?”

“No,” Eddie muttered. “No, I don’t.” 

“Then at some point Eddie, you’re going to have to sit down with Samuel and have a serious conversation. You deserve that much.”

At Eddie’s silence, Frank frowned. 

“You know you deserve that, right?”

Eddie didn’t speak up because he didn’t know if he did deserve that. He could only tell Frank he would try his best at not avoiding his emotions, whenever he would choose to finally meet with Samuel by himself. 

And okay, this lunch hang-out definitely wasn’t the appropriate place for a serious conversation. He planned it this way on purpose. However, Eddie was making progress. There were no buffers this time. Frank would be proud he hadn’t come up with an excuse to not show up. 

His phone vibrated and he thought it was Samuel canceling. 

He hoped it was Samuel canceling. 

Instead it was a text from Samuel saying he was five minutes away. He pocketed his phone and took a sip of his water. It tasted oddly dry for some reason. That seemed like a premonition to how today’s lunch was going to go. 

Eddie fiddled with the button on his jacket that was on its ninth life. He learned from Pepa how to sew buttons back on, but he must not have her talented skill because his buttons were always hanging on by a thread…literally. 

The button came off and Eddie pocketed it in his wallet. He’d call Pepa and see if she could fix it herself. He gave up on trying. When he looked up from putting his wallet in his back pocket, he saw Samuel looking around to see where he was seated. It shouldn’t be that hard for him. The restaurant was still relatively empty. 

Eddie raised his hand and waited for Samuel to spot him. Samuel’s eyes brightened as he caught Eddie’s attention. 

Samuel walked over to their table and sat down. He began to take off his tan suit jacket, throwing it down on the bench he was sitting on. He loosened his mint green tie and unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt. 

“You look like you’ve had a rough morning,” Eddie commented as he took in Samuel’s haggard expression. Maybe Samuel should have canceled their plans for lunch. 

Samuel waved off the concern. “Rough doesn’t even begin to explain the morning I’ve had.”

Eddie stared at him, waiting to hear about Samuel’s day. Samuel’s eyes widened, probably wondering why Eddie was interested. 

Samuel opened up his menu, casually glancing at the different options. “The person I hired to write our grant proposals decided to quit today, leaving without a two-week’s notice. Then one of our donors decided he wanted a detailed breakdown of how his funds would be allocated.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to alleviate his migraine. He took out a bottle of tylenol from his coat pocket and shot two pills back into his mouth. He grabbed his water and swallowed it down. 

“We had already given him a detailed list of how the funds would be spent, but he keeps pressing for some of the funds to be given to programs that already have invested interest. That wounds up taking away from our programs that are hurting for money.”

“That doesn’t sound ideal.”

“No, it isn’t. Then every time I tried wrapping up the meeting, someone else had something to say. I think they were talking just to talk at that point. If it weren’t for my assistant coming up with a reasonable excuse, I would have been there for another hour,” Samuel groggily claimed. 

“Well, hopefully you’ve been able to do everything you needed while down here,” Eddie replied, looking back at the menu and deciding what he wanted. He placed it back on the table. The laminated menu stuck to the tablecloth. 

“It has been good so far. Putting up an office here was going to be difficult, but it’s been smooth sailing so far.”

“How many other offices do you have?”

Samuel placed his menu down, having decided what he was going to order. “The first one was in Austin. That was a small office and a team of three. Then it expanded to an office in Dallas.”

“You didn’t want one in El Paso?”

Samuel thought over the question. It took him a few more seconds to respond, saying, “I thought about it. But by then I had already moved to Austin. I only planted another office in Dallas because one of my friends was moving there and found a good spot to rent.”

“Ah, okay.”

That didn’t sound like much of a reason, but Eddie wasn’t going to call him out on it. Suppose Samuel didn’t want a lot of ties back to El Paso in the same way Eddie didn’t. 

“We have an office in Oklahoma City. After seeing the community response to that center, we said might as well go big or go home. This is the first one we’re doing that really feels like we’re branching out.”

“You’re doing a good thing. I know it’ll work out,” Eddie applauded. 

“Thanks. That means a lot coming from you,” Samuel smiled. 

He was about to say more, but the waitress came up to their table. She took her notepad out of her apron pocket and looked down at them. 

“Are you two ready to order?”

Eddie looked back at Samuel who nodded. “Yes.”

“Okay, what can I get for you two?”

“I’ll have the chopped beef sandwich with green beans.”

“And for your other side?”

“Oh, I didn’t know it came with two sides. Can I get the…” Eddie had to look back at his menu, already forgetting the side options. “Can I get a side of mashed potatoes?”

“Of course. And for you sir?”

“I’ll get the pork spare ribs with the Cajun mac and cheese and a side of baked beans,” Samuel ordered, handing his menu back to the waitress. 

The waitress took their menus and headed back into the kitchen. Samuel waited until she had rounded the corner, before speaking again. 

“How’s your day going? You don’t have work today do you?”

“No, I’m not scheduled to work until tomorrow. And my day has been going good so far. Can’t complain,” Eddie responded. 

“That’s good. I still find it amazing that you’re a firefighter.”

“Why?” Eddie curiously questioned.

Samuel shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like the career you would have gone out for. Didn’t think that this would be how you spent your time working.”

“Didn’t think I’d go off to the army either, but hey,” Eddie dryly returned. 

Samuel winced at the response. He coughed discreetly into his fist and took another sip of his water. “Yeah, I didn’t think you would have enlisted either. Neither of us should have. But guess that’s the unpredictability of life.”

“Guess so,” Eddie murmured, tearing a piece of his paper towel. 

“But you like it? Being a firefighter?”

“I do,” Eddie smiled, since the first time Samuel had spotted him and walked toward his table. “It gives me a purpose. For a while, I didn’t feel like I had one outside of being a husband and a dad. Actually, being a firefighter allowed me to want more for myself and in turn helped me to become a better dad.”

“But isn’t it hard? I heard the pay isn’t great and I’ve heard the hours are strenuous,” Samuel spoke. “A lot of hard work, for little reward.”

“If you love your job, those things don’t matter as much as you would think. Sure, greater pay would be nice. However, I’m satisfied with what I have.”

“As long as you like it,” Samuel replied offhandedly. 

And at that Eddie snapped, “I wasn’t asking for your approval or opinion.”

Samuel’s lips thinned out into a straight line. “I didn’t mean to say it like that.”

“Yeah, then how did you mean to say it? Because it sounded like I should feel bad about being a firefighter? What do you want? You want to give me another thing to feel bad about?” Eddie accused. 

Eddie hit him with a steely gaze. He wouldn’t waver this time or undermine what he was feeling. He wondered if he could get extra therapy points for this. He’d have to ask Frank about that at a later time. For now, he was satisfied watching Samuel shift uncomfortably in his seat. 

“I don’t know what way I meant it. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s good that you have a job where you’ve found your purpose. That’s something to feel incredibly proud about. I’m sorry for trying to minimize that,” Samuel apologized. 

“Good because I love my job,” Eddie insisted. 

A stilted silence settled between them. Eddie didn’t care to speak anymore. He already felt discombobulated with how things quickly escalated. Anger crept up his throat and pleaded with Eddie to be let out of its cage. 

“How’s your son doing?” Samuel tried sparking up conversation. 

Anger slid away at the mention of Christopher. Eddie serenely smiled, thinking about Christopher who was heading to Houston today. Sophia told him she would keep him updated on their journey and let him know, when they arrived at their hotel. 

“He’s doing good. He’s spending the summer with his grandparents. He’ll be back in time to get ready for school,” Eddie explained, even though Christopher hadn’t given an exact date of when he would be returning home. 

“That’s a shame. It would’ve been nice to meet a mini Eddie Diaz.”

Eddie laughed at the thought. “Christopher is definitely not a mini me. He’s a hundred times better than his dear 'ole dad, believe me.”

“I find it hard to imagine you didn’t raise a little mini you. Thought all the Diaz men raised carbon copies of themselves,” Samuel joked. “You’re dad definitely tried his hardest to make you his.”

Eddie clenched his jaw. “Seriously, cut it out.”

“What’d I say this time?” Samuel groaned. 

“You keep making snide comments about me,” Eddie rebuffed. 

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. First you made comments about my job. Now you’re implying, I would raise Christopher the same way my dad raised me. Out of everyone, you are the main person who should know I never wanted to raise any of my children the way I was raised. I strongly fought against being like my dad.”

“It was a joke,” Samuel tentatively responded. 

“It wasn’t funny,” Eddie shot back. 

“Can I say anything or are you going to have a problem with everything I say?” Samuel challenged. 

“Samuel…”

Whatever he was about to say was interrupted by the waitress coming back to their table with their food. Another waiter assisted her and they curiously looked at them. Eddie had no doubt in his mind that they had heard what they were saying. The restaurant only had three more people come in and the silent atmosphere amplified every sound. 

The two of them began to eat, not saying much to each other. Eddie could hear Samuel open and close his mouth a few times, before eventually settling on not saying anything. 

Eddie couldn’t even be satisfied with the food. 

The barbecue wasn’t good. 

The sauce made it taste even worse. 

“This is really bad,” Eddie said, digging through his green beans that tasted like water. 

Samuel laughed, pressing his left hand against his heart. “I’m glad you said something because I wasn’t sure. You were scarfing it down and I thought maybe your time in California took away all your barbecue taste buds.”

“This might be the driest chopped beef sandwich I’ve ever had in my life,” Eddie bemoaned. “Even the barbecue sauce can’t save it.”

“I’ve had to take a sip for every bite I took of mac and cheese,” Samuel chuckled, sliding the small styrofoam bowl over to Eddie. 

Eddie put a small spoonful of the mac and cheese on his plate. He ate some and smacked his lips together trying to see how someone could make mac and cheese this bad. He’d had better from Kraft mac and cheese. 

“That’s awful,” Eddie said gargling some water to erase the taste of whatever seasoning was in the mac and cheese. “I should’ve known not to take you here. The reviews on Google were good, but I think they’ve never had good barbecue in their life. I think the small crowd is more so out of the food being bad rather than people not coming out for lunch yet.”

“I’d have to agree with you on that. But it was nice trying something different.”

“It was. Buck and I try different places all the time and it’s pretty fun,” Eddie grinned. “I’m actually glad he didn’t have to suffer through this meal. Granted, he would’ve only been able to  order the sides…but I’m pretty sure a turkey leg was put in these green beans. So he may not have been able to eat the sides.”

Samuel hummed, raising an eyebrow. “Y’all hangout a lot?”

“I wouldn’t say we see each other every day, but on our days off we try to hangout as much as we can,” Eddie explained. 

“And you’re meeting him for dinner tonight?” 

“Dinner sounds too formal. We’ll probably get some take out and watch a movie or something. We have work in the morning, so we don’t usually stay out late.”

“And his boyfriend is okay with that?”

“Oh, they broke up. Also it’s not a problem that we hangout, even when we are in relationships. We always make time out for each other,” Eddie told him. 

Samuel tilted his head to the side and stared at Eddie for a few seconds. He sighed slowly underneath his breath and picked at his bread roll. He spread some more butter on the top of it and ripped off a piece to throw in his mouth. Bread was the safest bet out of all the things they were eating. 

“Why’d they break up?”

“Don’t know,” Eddie claimed. He wasn’t going to tell Samuel what Buck had confided in all of them that night. It was only shared to their ears. 

“Hmm, at the bar they seemed to be doing fine. Guess you can never really tell based on an outsider's perspective. Did you have any hints that they would be breaking up that soon?”

“No.”

Eddie didn’t know why Samuel was focused on Buck’s relationship or lack thereof. Thankfully, he didn’t have to think about it much as the waitress came back to their table, carrying a jug of water. She refilled their glasses and stepped away. 

“Was everything okay with your order?” she questioned, looking at all the food left behind on Samuel’s plate.

Eddie didn’t like throwing away food, even if he didn’t enjoy it. So he had buckled up and finished the majority of his meal. He was paying for it. Might as well get his money’s worth. It was the worst barbecue he ever had, but it wasn’t the worst food he ever experienced. This might have been ranked #5 in the list of restaurants he’d never make a second visit to.  

“It was fine,” Eddie said. There was no point in telling her the food was awful. 

“While you’re here can I get a to-go plate?” Samuel asked. 

“Of course. I’ll be right back,” the waitress told him. 

Samuel waited for the waitress to leave. He leaned forward on his forearms. “I’m glad we could get together and meetup. Thanks for taking the time to meet me. It’s been nice seeing you again, after we lost contact.”

This man couldn’t find it in himself to stop aggravating Eddie. Frank’s words about casual avoidance of confrontation spiraled in his mind. Swallowed anger fought its way back up. 

“Stop saying that,” Eddie reprimanded. 

Samuel’s eyebrows rose to his hairline. “Saying what?”

“That we lost contact. Say that to anyone else. But stop saying it to me. Losing contact are phone numbers changing. Losing contact are letters getting lost in the mail. Losing contact is not what happened with us. You had my number. You had my address, before I moved.”

“You said it’d be best, if we never wrote each other letters again,” Samuel sharply challenged. “You were the first to say we should stop talking to one another.”

“I said we shouldn’t write each other letters anymore, until we could figure out how to be friends again.”

“You didn’t write that. Trust me, I’d remember. You said it was hard to stay in a…how’d you phrase it? Oh, that’s right. It was hard to stay in a state of limbo.”

“You know I was saying more than that,” Eddie scoffed. 

“How was I supposed to read into anything else? I took your words as they were written. You want to put the blame on me?” Samuel criticized. He swept his hair back as it had fallen out of its carefully gelled hairdo. 

“You were supposed to understand what I was telling you in that letter. You knew me,” Eddie rasped, angrily tearing apart his dry bread roll. “You should’ve known that I was implying we couldn’t keep writing letters to each other, until we could figure out how to be normal friends.”

“Normal friends?” Samuel confusedly questioned. “What does that mean?”

“Come on Samuel. Don’t be dense,” Eddie bit out. 

“Eddie, shh. You’re attracting an audience,” Samuel whispered, looking around at everyone who indeed was not paying them any mind at all. 

Eddie dismissed the need to be quiet. “Why did you come here?”

“For work,” Samuel answered, turning back to face Eddie. 

“No, seriously. Why did you come here? Why did you walk over to my table?”

“Excuse me?”

“Stop acting like I’m asking you to find the probability of a binomial distribution.”

“A what?”

Eddie waved him off. Buck was in a phase of learning different statistical equations. Some of the equation names had stuck in his mind. Eddie tried to keep up, but he was there to hold the flash cards and check whether Buck was right or wrong. 

“Doesn’t matter. You walked over for a reason. I want to know why.”

“I saw a familiar face. Once I recognized it was you, I couldn’t stop myself. I thought it was some twist of fate or something like that. I mean how crazy is it that as I was giving my speech, you were right there in the same room?” 

“Stop lying. It’s making me itch. You’re making me feel like I’m itching out of my hones.”

“What do you want me to say Eddie? Tell me and I’ll say it. Because right now, it seems like I’m going about everything wrong. Help me, please. I’m trying here.”

Eddie deflated. “Are you?”

“Am I what?” Samuel tiredly said. 

“Trying?” Eddie asked, waiting for a flicker of recognition to pass his eyes. A sick thrill overwhelmed him as Samuel’s eyes clouded over with contrition. 

Samuel was saved from answering, when his phone started ringing. He looked down at it then up at Eddie. “Sorry, I have to take this. I’ll be right back.”

Eddie nodded his head, watching him walk outside to take his call. Eddie wondered if he was overreacting. Maybe he had taken Frank’s counsel too far. He needed to pull back, but it was hard. Once he got the ball rolling, he couldn’t slow down its descent down the hill. 

Samuel’s call was taking a while, so Eddie decided to go through his emails. He didn’t have many to respond to. There weren’t a lot of people reaching out to him through his email. His inbox was mainly full with email reminders from streaming services telling him his free trial was about to end. 

Eddie looked at the time and saw that it was almost two. He went through his contacts and clicked on the name that was his most recent call. He waited for the phone to continue ringing, until the click signaled that it had been picked up. 

“Hey, I didn’t expect to hear a call from you this early,” Buck roused, sounding like he had just woken up, which could very well be true. He had dropped a hungover and sleepy Buck over at Maddie’s, so he could get his jeep. 

For all he knew, Buck had immediately crashed as soon as he got in bed at his loft. He might not have even made it up the stairs and chose instead to go to sleep on the couch. 

“You sound like you just woke up,” Eddie laughed. 

“Mhm, that’s because I did. I don’t think I’ll ever drink that much in my life again. Should’ve learned my lesson, after Chimney’s bachelor party,” Buck groaned. 

The sound of sheets ruffling answered the question about where Buck was sleeping. He could hear Buck sitting up and moving to put his back against the headboard. 

“Wait, why are you calling me this early? I thought you were out getting lunch with Samuel,” Buck yawned. Eddie could hear his jaw give a tiny pop. 

“I still am.”

“Oh, it’s going that bad?”

Buck probably hadn’t meant to sound as happy at the prospect as he did, but Eddie could hear the glee in his response. 

“Kind of,” Eddie honestly stated. “He stepped away to take a call.”

“That’s rude.”

“I’m calling you too,” Eddie laughed at Buck’s indignation on his behalf. 

“But he did it first,” Buck huffed. 

“Hey, do you mind if I come over to your place early? I know it’s way earlier than dinnertime, but I don’t want to go home. And I don’t want to just drive around and go in and out of stores.”

“Eddie, you know you can come by anytime. My door is always open,” Buck kindly offered. “I wasn’t planning on getting out today, until we met for dinner.”

“Instead of going out, we can order in,” Eddie said, tension already dropping from his shoulders. 

“That sounds perfect right now. Because I’ll be honest, I don’t think I’d be able to go out to dinner in my current state,” Buck gratefully said. “We could watch that movie you’ve been wanting to see. I think they just put it on Netflix.”

“Sounds like a plan. Alright, he’s heading back inside. I’ll text you, when I’m on my way.”

“Okay, sounds good. I’ll be here.”

“Make sure you’re staying hydrated and you’ve put something on your stomach,” Eddie instructed, before he ended the call.

“I will. It’s probably time for me to make some lunch. I’ll go do that now,” Buck agreed. 

“Good. See you soon.”

“See ya,” Buck replied back. 

Eddie ended the call just as Samuel was stepping back into the restaurant. He pulled some cash out of his wallet and placed it in the folder the waitress had put on their table as both men were on their separate calls. 

“I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to cut this short. I have to head back to the office. They’re going over plans for the rental spot and I need to be there for final decisions.”

“Sure. Of course you do.”

Eddie hadn’t meant it to sound as scathing as it came out. Samuel winced at the sarcasm lined in his response. 

“Eddie, come on. Don’t be like this.”

“Sorry.”

Samuel sighed. He buttoned back his shirt and tightened the tie around his neck. “I really want to keep talking and catch up. If you’re free sometime tomorrow, I’d love to talk more.”

“Yeah, I’ll let you know,” Eddie claimed. 

Samuel looked back at his watch and sighed. “I really do have to go.”

“It’s fine.”

“I left enough to cover our meals and a tip.”

“You didn’t have to, but thanks.”

“You’re welcome. We’ll talk soon?”

“Sure.”

Samuel gave him one last look, before heading outside to where his rental car was parked. Eddie stayed there for a few more minutes, sipping on his water that had grown warm. The waitress came back with the to-go plate that Samuel forgot he asked for. Eddie left it on the table, not planning on rushing out to give it to him. He doubted he actually planned on eating the leftovers. 

A few more minutes passed, before Eddie walked out of the restaurant. He headed to his car, clenched fists swinging at his sides. He uncurled them as he took his keys out of his pockets. His hands shook and he flexed his hands again, commanding them to be still. They listened to him long enough to unlock his car door and turn the key into the ignition. 

He made his way over to Buck’s. He arrived in a short amount of time. He got on the elevator, keeping up a casual conversation with one of Buck’s neighbors. He told them to have a good day as they were both let off on the floor. 

Eddie unlocked Buck’s door and went inside. He threw his keys into the small key jar placed on the side table Buck had placed right by his door. A small box was on the floor that was labeled, “Tommy’s things.”

He peeked into it and saw there weren't many things that Tommy had left behind in Buck’s loft. Though he guessed it was also because the two of them hadn’t been dating all that long. He walked past the front door and went further into the loft. 

He could hear the shower running from upstairs. He looked around the loft and saw that Buck had left his pots on the stove. He figured the least he could do was clean-up Buck’s kitchen. It wasn’t that much to clean. 

He only needed something to focus on. Part of him wished that Buck kept things a little dirtier. Then he could really get into a nice deep-clean. Buck didn’t understand Eddie’s proclivity to let things build up, before setting a whole day aside to do a nice deep-clean. He would grab out all his cleaning materials and spread them out on the living room table like a food spread.

He would cue up a playlist to get him motivated and start with the kitchen and make his way around the rest of the house. He’d dust every single crevice, kneel down on the floor to make the floorboards spotless. He would open all the windows to let new air come in. 

He had frightened Buck one time with how he had gotten on the roof and tried cleaning out the gutters. He didn’t know why Buck was concerned. Okay, maybe Eddie slipping off the roof did create a sense of alarm. 

Eddie was fine. All his training at the fire academy and his experience as a firefighter helped him land very safely. After that Buck was adamant on being around, whenever Eddie randomly decided that day would be a deep-clean day.  

Eddie tried enlisting Buck and Christopher’s help on his cleaning days. Christopher would only clean his room, which was honestly more than what Eddie thought the teenager would do. 

Buck was a distraction. He would help clean, but then he would say they needed a break to eat food or simply to take a breather. Somehow that would lead to them taking a three hour break. Eddie didn’t take breaks. However, he could recognize that after taking a break he did feel less like he was going to pass out from all the different cleaning products he was using. 

Now his fingers itched to clean the nearest surface. 

But Buck kept his place sparkling clean. The only time Eddie had been able to do a really thorough and satisfying deep-clean at the loft was when Buck was recovering from his leg injury. And if that’s what it took for Eddie to be able to deep-clean Buck’s loft, then Eddie was more than fine with never deep-cleaning his loft ever again. 

He should be satisfied with the few dishes, Buck left behind on the counter and in the sink. He poured some dish soap into the hot water he was running. Once satisfied with the foamy water, he placed all the silverware and plates in the sink. He took his time running the sponge over the plates and utensils, before moving them aside in the sink to be rinsed and dried. 

It was only a few minutes later that Eddie heard Buck’s footsteps on the stairs. He let the water drain from the sink as he finished drying the last plate. Eddie leaned back on the counter as he watched Buck come downstairs.

Buck’s hair was still damp, the soft curls drying against the nape of his neck. His skin was still flushed with heat from the shower. Eddie watched as Buck descended the stairs, placing one foot in front of the other. Eddie didn’t know why he was so fascinated by this ordinary action.

Buck made his way into the kitchen stopping short of where Eddie stood. He looked at the cleaned dishes and then toward Eddie. 

“You look stressed,” was the first thing Buck said as a way of greeting. 

“Thanks,” Eddie said, crossing his arms over his chest. “You know, usually if someone came down to see their friend cleaning their dishes, the first thing they would say is thank you.”

Buck went closer to Eddie and placed his hands on Eddie’s shoulder. “Thank you so much Eddie for cleaning all my dishes…and what looks to be the start of a whole kitchen clean-up.”

He stepped away, his arms falling to his side while he looked around his kitchen. He took in the bottle of Clorox wipes and Windex on the kitchen counter. He then looked up to see his cabinets open. 

“You only deep-clean, when you’re stressed. What happened?” Buck frowned, moving to close the cabinets and put away the cleaning products Eddie had taken from underneath his sink. 

“I do not,” Eddie refuted. 

“Yes, you do. Every time you tell me you’re about to deep-clean it has come as the result of being stressed. You deep-cleaned for hours, after you came back from your dad’s retirement party. You deep-cleaned for an entire day, after you decided to transfer over to dispatch.”

Buck opened his mouth to say something, but resolutely stopped himself.

You deep cleaned for a whole week, after Christopher left —was what Buck didn’t say, but it was heavily implied. 

Eddie threw the drying rag on the counter and moved past Buck. He took in everything in Buck’s loft, checking to see if there was anything he could clean. He wondered if Buck had ever dusted behind his television. He should check. 

“You know we should really decorate your loft. I saw this one video about a gallery wall. I think you’d like something like that. We could find different picture frames and art work. Didn’t you buy a new film camera or something? We could develop those pictures and frame them,” Eddie enthused. 

“Eddie.”

He continued walking around the loft, deciding which wall would be past to make the focal point. 

“Maybe we can go to that home décor place you like. This rug doesn’t really match your vibe. We should get rid of it,” Eddie murmured, kicking down the corner of the rug that had been flipped up. 

“My vibe? Eddie what?”

“Oh, can you paint in your loft? What’s the rules around that? Are you more for warmer tones or cooler tones? Personally, I like warmer tones. Or are you more of a neutral and earth tones guy?”

“Warm tones are good. I wouldn’t mind some cooler tones such as blue. I’m impartial to neutrals. Wait…” Buck stopped himself, easily falling into the trap Eddie laid out. 

Eddie smirked about to head up the stairs to Buck’s bedroom. “We could also look at different comforters. Do you think you need to replace your mattress? You’ve been complaining about your back for a few days.”

“That’s because I’ve been doing shoulder workouts. I just bought a new mattress. Eddie, come down,” Buck called out. 

Eddie turned back down the stairs. “Yeah, it’s probably best to start from the bottom and work our way up. We should brighten your kitchen up, make use of the windows in the space. We can pick out some plants that would do well indoors.”

Buck continued to follow him as Eddie made notes in his head. “I hear it’s good to switch things up, after a break-up. Speaking of  the break-up are you fine? I haven’t checked-in to ask how you’re doing.”

“I’m doing fine. I meant it when I said that it was a mutual break-up. No feelings were hurt. We both knew we were heading in separate directions.”

Eddie nodded. “As long as you’re good. I thought you liked him.”

“I did…and Eddie put the vase down.”

“It looks dusty. Where’s that Swiffer duster I bought you?” Eddie asked, moving to Buck’s pantry. “Did you move it? Oh, never mind I found it. You know I didn’t think you and Tommy were a good fit.”

Eddie began cleaning, watching the dust lift from the ceramic vase. 

“Why didn’t you say anything about not thinking Tommy and I were a good fit?”

Eddie shrugged. “I’ve had my fair share of relationships that definitely weren’t a good fit. Who was I to say anything?”

“Eddie, I always want to hear your opinion.”

“Not about romantic partnerships you don’t. Trust me. Oh, I should buy you some multi-surface polish.”

Buck mouthed the words he just said and shook his head. “Eddie, I don’t need that.”

“Was Tommy coming by later to pick-up his things?” Eddie asked, motioning back to the box on the floor. 

“I was going to drop it off at his place sometime this week.”

“You’re handling this well. Super healthy. Thumbs up to you,” Eddie voiced into the vase that he was cleaning, his words being spread like an echo. 

“Eddie, this wasn’t a relationship to feel heart-broken over,” Buck noted, moving to take away the vase from Eddie. 

“But it’s your first break-up with a guy. Shouldn’t that mean something?” Eddie said, already moving to dust behind Buck’s TV. 

Buck tilted his head to the side. “It means something in the sense that I was given space to explore something new about myself. I’m thankful to Tommy for being a safe space, but it’s not like it’s some first love or something deep. We had a good time. Maybe one day we can be friends. I’m not sure. I think he’s considering a job in Milwaukee.”

“Milwaukee?” Eddie questioned. 

“That’s what I said. But he said he’s not a fan of California and couldn’t imagine settling down here forever. Another reason why it wasn’t going to work out for us long-term.”

Eddie wondered how Buck could move on so easily. It seemed that Eddie always carried his past relationships with him. They hung around him like ghosts. He wanted to be rid of them. He clenched his teeth and started looking at the ceiling wondering if he stood on one of Buck’s bar stools could he dust off the fan. 

He was about to grab one, before the chair slipped from his fingers. He looked back to see Buck placing the bar stool back in its original position. 

“Yeah, we’re not doing that. Eddie, my fan doesn’t need to be cleaned.”

“You say you’ve been sneezing.”

“It’s more from seasonal allergies than dust,” Buck explained. He took the Swiffer duster from Eddie and walked to put it back into his pantry. 

Eddie hummed in the back of his throat as he began to go outside to Buck’s balcony. He should make a list of all the plants that needed to be replanted. He was heading out, when Buck called out to him. 

“Eddie. Take a breather for a second. You jumped from deep-cleaning to home makeover renovation faster than a cheetah chasing after a gazelle,” Buck voiced. “Here, sit down on the couch. I’ll be back in a second. Need to grab something from upstairs.”

“Sit down?” Eddie asked, but was already moving to sit on the couch. 

“Yes, sit down. You’re about to make my head start spinning,” Buck commanded and raced up the stairs. 

Eddie didn’t have to wait for long. Buck came back holding a stack of what looked like workbooks. In his other hand was the Crayola 96 Crayon pack. Buck sat down by Eddie and placed everything on the coffee table. 

What Eddie thought were workbooks were actually coloring books. Buck spread them out, so Eddie could get a look at his different options. 

“I got some coloring books for whenever Jee comes over,” Buck clarified. 

“Right, is that why most of them are filled with pages you have clearly done,” Eddie questioned, flipping through all the different coloring pages. 

Eddie could clearly point out which pages Buck had drawn on versus Jee’s wild and free drawings. 

“Jee can only sit down to color for thirty minutes, before she starts running around. It’s a surprise she managed to finally finish coloring the bow on Minnie Mouse.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow at him, while Buck began to open up the crayon pack. 

“It’s a great stress reliever. I have a few word puzzles, sudoku, and word search books. But I figure those might get your brain even more active. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it,” Buck proposed. 

“You’re probably right.”

“That’s why we’re going to sit back, put on a movie or show, and color for a bit. It’s not cleaning or decorating, so it may not completely take away your need to nest when you’re stressed. But just try this for an hour, please,” Buck said, holding out the crayon pack. 

“Fine, I’ll try it for you,” Eddie pointed out. 

“That’s all that I ask. Dibs on the Barbie one. I was working on one drawing, before Jee decided she wanted to try sliding down the stairs in my pillow sheet,” Buck laughed. 

“That sounds safe,” Eddie said, while seeing which coloring book caught his eye. He selected the Encanto coloring book. 

“Do you have any movies you want to watch?” Buck asked as he scrolled on the TV. 

Eddie shrugged. He continued flipping through the pages, wanting to see which of them were the easiest. When did coloring pages get so complicated? How could they expect children to color inside those tiny details?

“I’ll just put something on that’s in my watch list.”

“That works for me.”

Eddie sat back on the couch, propping his coloring book on his thighs. Meanwhile Buck was hunched over the coffee table, meticulously deciding what color would best fit Mariposa’s wings. Eddie wondered if he should tell him that her wings were pink. However, he decided to let Buck’s creative genius flow as he chose an odd shade of green. 

Eddie only knew about the different Barbies because of his sisters. Sophia had even named her daughter, Mariposa. Though his niece only went by the nickname, Mari. Eddie was thankful his brother-in-law hadn’t minded Sophia naming their daughter after a doll. Though Marc would’ve been fine with Sophia naming their child Ketchup. 

They continued coloring and Eddie finally got into the groove of things. It was soothing to have something to do with his hands that didn’t leave him feeling completely tired. It was nice coloring inside the lines and filling up the blank page. 

Buck laughed at something being said on the TV. Eddie looked up to see if he could catch up on whatever show he was watching. However, his focus was solely put on making sure he correctly colored Mirabel’s dress. He even brought his phone out at one point to make sure the colors matched. 

Buck leaned back to look at his drawing. “Looking good. Might have a professional artist on our hands.”

“I wouldn’t go so far as to say that,” Eddie said, reaching over to grab another crayon. 

Buck got closer to him, pressing his shoulder against his. It wasn’t necessary to get that close to see his drawing in full. However, neither of them moved away. 

“You’ll have to add your signature at the bottom.”

“You plan on selling it?”

“Most definitely. I think I can earn a pretty penny on this.”

Eddie laughed and Buck smiled at his response. His eyes softened and his shoulders dropped.

“You want to tell me what’s been bothering you?”

He stopped coloring and went to grab another crayon.

“Eddie?”

“I thought you said we were coloring to get rid of my stress."

“So you are stressed?”

“Well, I wasn’t five seconds ago,” Eddie dryly stated. “But you’re right. I’ve been feeling stressed. Every corner I turn there’s something new to be stressed about. I think meeting up with Samuel only heightened the stress I’ve been feeling.”

Buck turned fully toward him. “Yeah, I could hear it in your voice.”

“Hear it in my voice?”

“Yeah, your voice dips, whenever you get stressed.”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

“The change isn’t noticeable to anyone else. How was the lunch stressful?”

Eddie resumed coloring, choosing not to directly look at Buck while he talked. “We didn’t really part on good terms.”

“Didn’t part the lunch on good terms? Lunch must’ve been brutal.”

“No…I mean yes we didn’t end lunch all that happy. But I mean we didn’t part on good terms all the way back, when we were just kids in El Paso. And Frank told me I was avoiding hanging out alone with Samuel for that main reason. I thought today would be a step in the right direction in not avoiding alone time with him.”

“Oh, you two never hung out separately, after all of us grabbed lunch?” Buck questioned. 

“No, the only other time we met each other was at the baseball game and the bar.”

Buck’s frown deepened. “Why did you want to avoid being alone with him? Something happened?”

Eddie shook his head. “No. I was uncomfortable with keeping up a conversation with someone I haven’t seen in years. It’s odd to think how here was this person I could spend hours talking to and now I can’t even hold a five minute conversation without feeling nervous or awkward.”

“Oh, okay.”

“There’s some other stuff that I need to work out and I think both of us are avoiding that whole mess for different reasons. It’s making me stressed because I want to talk about it, but also I don’t want to talk about it. I want him to bring it up and then I don’t want him to say a word. It’s screwing me up inside.”

“Is there any way I can help?”

“Honestly? This has done more to help me right now than therapy has,” Eddie dryly laughed. “Don’t tell Frank though.”

“I won’t.”

Buck remained silent for a few more seconds. The theme song, of the show they were watching, filled the quiet space in the room. Eddie returned his focus to his coloring sheet. He could feel the weight of Buck’s stare on the side of his face. 

Eddie set down his crayon and faced Buck. “I can hear the cogs in your brain turning. Go ahead and say what’s on your mind.”

Buck’s focus bounced around the features of Eddie’s face, before his eyes settled on staring directly at Eddie’s own eyes. 

“Okay, before I ask this I would like to preface this by saying I don’t intend to sound harsh or criticizing. Know that this comes from a place of care.”

Eddie smiled and patted Buck on the knee. “I know you wouldn’t say anything to hurt my feelings, Buck. Ask away.”

Buck sighed, gathering himself to ask the question. 

“I don’t like Samuel.”

One could hear a pin drop or the chirping of crickets with how silent it became. Buck’s eyes grew comically wide as his mouth shut closed with an audible click. 

Eddie’s jaw dropped and then laughter bubbled out his chest. He became riddled with laughter as Buck’s cheeks grew red. Eddie fell over himself with how hard he was laughing. 

“Was that supposed to be a question?” Eddie asked midway between gasping on breathless laughter. 

Buck shook his head. “I swear to you that is not what I wanted to say.”

Eddie finally cooled down enough for him to exhale without laughing. He picked back up his coloring book and grinned up at Buck. “What were you trying to say?”

“I don’t like him,” Buck winced. “Sorry, I don’t know how else to say it.”

“Why don’t you like him? I didn’t think you talked to him enough to form a strong opinion.”

“I can tell he doesn’t like me,” Buck muttered. 

Eddie paused from coloring one of the minute details in Mirabel’s dress. “I don’t think Samuel doesn’t like you. He hasn’t said anything to me.”

“Of course he’s not going to say anything to you Eddie. But I can tell. Eddie, he glared at me every single time you weren’t looking.”

“I saw you glaring back,” Eddie noted.

“That’s because he was glaring at me first!” Buck raised his voice, moving closer to Eddie. “Also every time I bring up something we did, he wants to bring up something you two did. And if I can notice it makes you uncomfortable, why can’t he?”

Eddie did notice that Samuel had the tendency to keep bringing up the past, but it was the only thing that he could talk about. He couldn’t exactly fault Samuel for that. But it seemed to really bother Buck. 

“I think he’s trying to prove that he was a better friend like some sort of competition,” Buck complained. 

“It’s not a competition,” Eddie appealed, putting his thumb in the middle of Buck’s forehead to smooth out his frown lines. 

Buck’s eyes crossed to look at the center of his face where Eddie’s thumb was trying to draw his eyebrows back up. Buck’s frown lessened as Eddie drew back. 

Buck puffed up his chest. “Obviously, I mean he wouldn’t even be able to compete.”

“That’s not what I…”

His phone started ringing from its spot on Buck’s coffee table. He set aside his coloring book to see who could be calling him. His eyes widened when he saw his son’s name flash by on the Caller ID. His hands began to shake with nerves as he brought it closer to himself. 

“Who’s calling?” Buck asked as he saw Eddie’s shocked expression. 

“Christopher,” was all Eddie could manage to say. “What do I do?”

“I think you answer it,” Buck said, smiling widely at him. 

“Right, you’re right. I’m just going to answer,” Eddie hurriedly said, hoping that Christopher wouldn’t decide to end the call in the time it took for Eddie to answer. 

“Answer,” Buck repeated, taking the phone from Eddie and pressing the answer button himself. 

“Dad?” Christopher’s voice rang out. 

“Christopher. It is so good to hear your voice,” Eddie choked out. He had to take a moment to stop himself from getting teary eyed. It had been so long, since Christopher had called him and actually spoke on the phone. 

“Okay, I’m in the car with Tia Sophia and she said that you once did a backflip off the roof,” Christopher repeated in awe. 

“Your tia told you that, huh?” Eddie chuckled, trying to ease the emotion rattling in his voice. 

“Yeah, but I said you would’ve never done that. Did you really do that?”

“I did and it was very unsafe. I was in trouble for weeks. So don’t go getting any ideas,” Eddie jokingly warned. 

“I won’t,” Christopher laughed. “But that’s actually crazy dad. What were you thinking?”

He had missed hearing Christopher’s bubbly laughter. He had missed the light and airy sound of childish exuberance. He didn’t think he would get the opportunity to hear him laugh any time soon given the way Christopher couldn't even stand to look at him, before left with his grandparents.

This was a privilege and he wasn’t going to take it for granted. 

“I don’t think I was to be honest. I’m pretty sure Sophia dared me to do a back-flip and we kept trying new places. They were in gymnastics and I said I could do anything they did, but better.”

“I bet Tia Adriana and Tia Sophia didn’t like that,” Christopher responded. 

“Oh, they didn’t. I think that’s why Sophia dared me to jump off the roof. Probably didn’t think I would do it. But I did. Thankfully, I landed in the bushes. Your abuela’s roses were destroyed. I told her the sewer cat had been messing around in her flower bed,” Eddie told him. 

For a second he wondered whether he should be telling Christopher about his childhood tales of recklessness. Though he supposed it was a fairly decent story. It wasn’t too wild. 

“You blamed it on a cat? Dad, that’s not nice,” Christopher chided. 

“Trust me, I know. Your abuela sprayed vinegar on the flower bed for weeks. It didn’t work, mostly in part because I kept leaving out cans of tuna.”

“Dad, did you know tuna is bad for cats?”

“No, I didn’t know that.”

“Tuna is high in mercury which is bad in large amounts because it harms a cat’s kidneys. It can even make them have kidney failure.”

“Wow. The more you know, huh. Where’d you hear that from?”

“Buck.”

“Makes sense. I think the cat enjoyed it, but I’ll know in the future to give them some healthier food.”

“That’d be nice. We should get a pet! Tio Marco said he’s getting a cat, soon as they move into their new place. Do you think we can get a dog?”

Immediately, Eddie’s mind is brought to when he tried dog-sitting Bobby’s dog, until they could rehome it. He didn’t know if they would be able to take care of a dog. But if that was something Christopher wanted, he would seriously consider it. 

“We’ll see. Dogs take a lot of responsibility and attention,” Eddie explained. 

“I know. I’m very responsible,” Christopher sagely told him. 

“I know you are,” Eddie said. “I’ll think about it, okay.”

“Okay. We can look at shelters as soon as I get back.”

Eddie held the phone away from him, so Christopher couldn’t hear the quiet gasp he made over hearing again that Christopher was planning on coming back. 

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Did Tia Sophia tell you she’s taking us to Houston? I hear it rains there a lot.”

“It does rain there a lot. It also gets very humid. Make sure you’re staying hydrated, when you go to the zoo since you may be walking around for a bit. Did you pack sunscreen?”

“Yes, Tia Adrianna packed some in my backpack. She says she doesn’t want me to get sunburnt like mom. Did mom get sunburned a lot?” Christopher asked, perking up about hearing more about his mom. 

“Yes, she did. But that’s mainly because your mom didn’t re-apply sunscreen. She would always say she was fine. Then hours later she’d be complaining, while I had to run to the store to get some aloe gel. Eventually, I kept it stocked in our medicine cabinet.”

“Guess, I got that from mom.”

“You definitely did.”

Christopher paused, holding his words for a second. “I’m still mad about the whole mom’s long lost twin thing, but I really miss home. I miss you and Buck. I miss my friends. It’s nice in Texas, but it’s not home.”

“I miss you too Christopher” Eddie sniffed, rubbing his hand under his nose. “I miss you so much.”

“I think after the trip to Houston, I might be ready to come home,” Christopher timidly whispered as though he was worried Eddie would be sad, hearing that it wasn’t a 100% possibility that he would come home after the trip. 

“Christopher…” Eddie started to console him because it didn’t matter how long it took for him to come home. He wanted it to solely be Christopher’s decision because he was ready, not because he was scared to make his dad sad. 

“I don’t want to get your hopes up, if I decide to stay longer. I wanted to let you know in case you were trying to build a gym in my room,” Christopher continued. 

“I would never do that,” Eddie seriously told him. 

“Some parents do that, when their kids go off to college. They turn it into a gym, an art room, or some study. It’s like they were waiting for them to leave,” Christopher remarked. 

“Christopher, trust me. I will never turn your room into anything It will always be yours.”

“Promise?”

“I promise. Your room will still be here just as you left it.”

“Well, maybe you can get me a bigger bed? I think I might’ve outgrown the one at home.”

“Yeah, I knew we were probably going to need to replace your bed soon. We’ll look at new beds as soon as you come home, okay?”

“Okay, good,” Christopher paused for a second then said, “Love you.”

Eddie tilted his head to face the ceiling, hoping that the tears would rush back into his head. He felt Buck wrap an arm around his shoulders and Eddie leaned into the embrace. 

“I love you so much, Christopher. I’m glad you called me,” Eddie thanked.  

“Can I talk to Buck for a second?” Christopher asked. 

“How’d you know I was with Buck?”

“Dad, I have your location,” Christopher said in a deadpan voice. 

“Ah, of course. Hold on, I’m handing him the phone now,” Eddie said. “Christopher wants to talk to you.”

Buck’s eyes widened like he hadn't expected for Christopher to also want to talk to him. He took Eddie’s phone like an offering and placed it to his ear.

“Christopher, hey buddy! How’s Texas treating you?” 

Eddie took in the way Buck grew relaxed, a smile widening on his face. Buck threw his head back laughing at what Christopher was saying. He seemed to be regaling Buck with quite the comedic story. 

Buck choked on a laugh, eyes closing with the force of it. “Christopher, you’re definitely going to have to send me that video. I can’t believe they got it on camera. Did Sophia show you any more home videos of your dad?”

Eddie took the phone from Buck and shouted into the phone, knowing Sophia could clearly hear him. 

“Those home videos were never to be shared. Sophia, stop sharing all of my embarrassing videos! Because I know you’re not sharing yours. Here, you can have the phone back.”

Buck continued laughing. “Nope, Christopher promised he was going to show me the video of you using Jell-O as shampoo. Oh, yeah never mind I want to see that one first.”

Christopher said something else on the line that had Buck laughing even harder to the point Eddie had to pat him on the back, so he could be reminded to breathe. 

“That’s hilarious. Oh, no I haven’t checked. You sent it just now? Okay, got you. Yeah, I’ll look into it. Alright, enjoy the rest of your drive. Let us know, when you make it to the hotel safely. Good. Love you too. She does? Okay, hold on. I’ll give the phone back to your dad,” Buck told him. 

He held out the phone to Eddie. 

“Sophia wants to talk to you.”

Eddie took back his phone. “Hey, Sophia.” 

“Hey, how’s your day going?”

“It’s been good. Are y’all almost near Houston?”

“Yes, we have about another two hours to drive. We had a late start to the morning because of your sister,” Sophia complained. 

“My sister?”

“Yes, your sister. We told her to bring only one bag, so everyone could fit their stuff in the car. Tell me why, your dear sweet sister decided she needed not one, not two, but three bags for a four day trip. Then of course she had to wear make-up for a ten hour car drive. And she still doesn’t look all that…ouch! Adriana, that hurt!”

There was some shuffling going on the other end as his two sisters fought for control of the phone. 

“Adriana! Let go of my arm! You’re being a bad example for the kids. Stop, oww dude did you just bite me? I told mom we should’ve cut that shit…oops sorry kids. I’ll put the money in the jar. I told mom we should’ve cut that out, when you were biting kids in kindergarten. But she said you would outgrow it. This is why you’re sitting in the back with Mari so she can control you,” Sophia yelled. 

She exhaled slowly. Eddie wondered if her patience had lessened or increased, after giving birth to her third and final child. He supposed Adriana was well on her way to testing her limits. 

“Eddie, next time we have a family trip you’re coming and I’m putting you in charge of Adriana babysitting duty.”

“Thanks for your consideration, but I would like to formally decline the job,” Eddie teased. “Hey, thanks for including Christopher on the trip. I know he’ll have a good time.”

“Of course. I missed seeing my nephew. It’s been fun having him around this summer. The kids have enjoyed being around their older cousin. They have constantly reminded us he’s so much cooler than Marc and me.”

“That’s not a hard thing to accomplish.”

“When are you going to stop acting like Marc is boring? Babe, don’t worry. I’ll defend you from Eddie’s baseless accusations.”

“They’re not all that baseless. I love Marc. I do. Otherwise, I would’ve sent him running to the hills, when he asked for my blessing.”

Marc had come to him first to ask for his sister’s hand in marriage. Of course it was more of a courtesy. Sophia knew she didn’t need any one’s approval to get married to the person of her choice. She had consistently said how outdated the idea was that a woman would only receive a proposal through the permission of her father. 

However, Marc was aware that Sophia held Eddie’s opinion in high regard. Before the two were even considering marriage, Sophia had come over to his house and asked what he thought of Marc. Seeing how happy Marc made Sophia and vice versa, he could only hope the best for their relationship. 

He wanted Sophia to be well cared for and genuinely loved….even if it was to someone who was more boring than watching paint dry. 

“Did you need any money for Christopher? I forgot to ask, when you told me you all were traveling to Houston. I set up Christopher with a debit card, but I need to know if I should put any more funds on it.”

“Oh, don’t worry. It’s my treat. I’m reaping the full benefits of my promotion, so it won’t hurt the bank. Plus Christopher is such a wise money spender. I wish he could impart that on my kids,” Sophia laughed. “But I was calling because…umm has mom called you today?”

Eddie sat up in his chair, feeling Buck’s arms fall from his shoulders. He didn’t even notice they were still curled up against one another, until that point of contact was lost. 

“No, she hasn’t. Why? Am I supposed to be expecting a call from her?”

“Yes. She said she was going to call you in a little bit. I told her not to, but you know mom.”

Eddie was about to say something, until his phone started buzzing. He looked down to see it was his mom trying to reach him. He put the phone back to his ear. 

“I think you just summoned her,” Eddie groaned. 

“Sorry.”

“I should probably take this. Let me know, when you all are at the hotel.”

“Will do. And Eddie?”

“Yeah?”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

Eddie disconnected the call to answer his mom. 

“Hey, mom.”

“Edmundo, did you know Sophia was taking Christopher to Houston?”

“How are you doing today? Good. Oh, me? I’m fine.”

“Edmundo, stop being sarcastic. I’m serious.”

Eddie stood up and mouthed that he would be right back to Buck. He nodded, allowing Eddie to have some space. He stood outside on Buck’s balcony in order to have some privacy. 

“Yes, mom. I told Sophia that Christopher could go with them to Houston. Because I am his dad. I get to make these choices.”

Sophia had texted Eddie, right after Adriana’s phone call just to make sure it would be alright to take Christopher with them to Houston. He repeated the same thing he told Adriana and made sure to text her back a few things to keep in mind for Christopher, while traveling. 

“We are watching Christopher right now. He is our responsibility,” his mom argued. “You can’t give someone else permission to take him away from us.”

“Someone else? Mom, that someone else is your daughter.”

“I know that Edmundo. Don’t talk to me like I’m dumb.”

“Mom, that’s not what I’m doing.”

Eddie began rubbing at his temples, already sensing a headache coming his way. 

“Honey, you really should have discussed this with us. We couldn’t even say anything to Sophia and Marc because you had already given the go ahead. Then they told Christopher. And we couldn’t go back on it because then we would be the bad guys.”

“Mom. I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m not trying to make you into the bad guys. Christopher would never see you as bad guys,” Eddie tried soothing his mom’s temper. “Besides, they are only gone for four days. Sophia was kind enough to extend the invitation to Christopher. If you were so worried about Christopher, you could have volunteered to go on the trip with them.”

“You know your dad doesn’t like driving that far.”

“Yet he did it all the time for his work trips.”

“Edmundo.”

“Mom, I don’t want to argue about this.”

“I’m not arguing with you. I’m trying to understand why you thought you could make this decision. Clearly, you haven’t been able to make a lot of good decisions in regard to Christopher’s well-being. I thought the whole point of Christopher coming here was for us to make decisions for him.”

He didn’t even want to get into how wrong that statement sounded. 

“It’s a trip to the zoo mom. It’s not as though Sophia took him to Mars.”

He rolled his eyes because on the safety of Buck’s balcony his mom couldn’t see him. 

“Edmundo, get that base out of your voice when you’re speaking to your mother,” his dad sternly projected. 

“Did you put me on speaker phone?” Eddie questioned. 

“Sophia shouldn’t have asked you for permission to take Christopher on a trip. She should have come to us first. She knew we were likely going to say no,” he dad stated. 

“Sophia asked me because I am his dad. I make those decisions. What part of this don’t you get? Right now, you two are temporarily watching over him. I am thankful that Christopher knows he can go to you at any time. But I’m not going to say he can’t spend time with his cousins on a family trip."

“Edmundo, that should have been our choice to make,” his mom stressed. 

He could hear the anger in her voice escalate. He could hear his dad pacing in the background, ready to step back into the conversation the moment he deemed it necessary. 

“Mom, I am his dad. I make these choices.”

“Not when you’re thousands of miles away. You want to make decisions for Christopher? Come home.”

There it was — the one thing his mom wanted to say ever since she picked up Christopher to head back to El Paso. 

“I am home. Christopher will be home too, very soon,” he added for the benefit of ripping the ground out from under his mom’s feet. 

“No, move back to El Paso. Christopher loves it here. You haven’t even said anything about the list of schools I sent.”

If he hadn’t just gotten off the phone with Christopher, he would have been inclined to believe her. 

“Because he’s not going to school there mom. He will be back here before school starts.”

“How do you know that? Has Christopher said anything to you about coming back? He hasn’t shared any of those plans with us.”

“Maybe because he’s worried about disappointing you.”

“Why on earth would Christopher be worried about disappointing us?”

“Probably because disappointing you is as easy as breathing,” Eddie said. 

“Edmundo, that’s not fair. Look, I get it. California is beautiful. You enjoyed your time there. But you must’ve known that it wasn’t going to be home forever.”

“Mom.”

“It’s time to come home. You can settle down here. There’s a house that went up for sale a few blocks over from us. I think it would be a nice home. It’s bigger than the one you currently have.”

“Mom!” Eddie shouted frustratingly. Then quietly, he said, “Mom, please. I don’t want to do this over the phone. I don’t want to argue with you.”

“I’m not trying to pick a fight.”

“Mom, it’s getting late. I have an early morning tomorrow.”

“Late? Eddie, we’re two hours ahead of you. It’s not that…”

“I have to go mom.”

His mom despondently sighed. “Okay, Edmundo. I will talk to you later.”

“Okay. Have a goodnight.”

He ended the call and took some calming breaths. He stayed outside for a few more minutes as he tried to ease the tension that bullied its way onto his shoulders. He tried unclenching his hands around his phone. His fingers had gotten stuck from how tightly he gripped the phone case. 

After some time alone, he went back inside. Buck looked up at him, taking in his stressed appearance. All that time coloring to destress and riding off the high from finally hearing his son’s voice, was destroyed in a one ten-minute phone call. 

“I can never do right in their eyes,” Eddie scoffed, throwing his phone on the couch. “It doesn’t matter that they finally get what they’ve wanted, since I moved Christopher out here. Apparently, I’m still not adept to take care of Christopher.”

“Eddie-”

“Nope, don’t want to talk about it right now. Hand me the red candy apple,” Eddie interrupted. 

He sat down on the couch and flipped to the page he was coloring. He could detect Buck’s concern, but he didn’t want to talk anymore. In fact, he was all talked out for the night. All he wanted to do was see if coloring would help him feel as though he wasn’t itching to get up and clean the nearest surface of Buck’s loft.

Buck handed him the red crayon and pressed play on the show they had been watching, though Eddie had lost the plot of it a long time ago. He was simply grateful that Buck wasn’t put off by Eddie not talking. He needed some time to reel in his thoughts. 

As it grew later in the night, Eddie had been able to finish coloring two pages. By the time they were hungry Eddie had stopped feeling the need to rip out his hair because of frustration.

Buck had ordered them some food from his favorite Thai place, after they had given up on whatever show Buck had first put on.  

Now they were watching some nature documentary. The only problem with the documentary was that the narrator's voice was far too soothing. 

Eddie could slowly feel himself being tempted with sleep. He wondered if he should spend the night there. He could take some blankets from Buck’s blanket basket as soon as Buck retired upstairs for sleep. 

He glanced to the side and saw that would be a problem. Buck was already asleep. His fork was dangling in his hand, almost about to drop to the floor. He looked peaceful, while he slept. His mouth was parted slightly open. Silent snores escaped his lips. 

The reflection from the documentary played like a projector on Buck’s face. The shades of blue from the icy glaciers, traveled like light across his cheeks. 

Without disturbing Buck, Eddie began to clean up the small mess around them. He put the crayons back in the pack. He closed all the coloring books and stacked them atop of each other. He grabbed the fork from Buck’s hands, pausing as his fingers twitched at the loss. He put the leftover food in the refrigerator and threw away their trash. 

When he went back from making sure everything was clean and put away, he saw that Buck hadn’t woken up. He was tempted to wake him up and tell Buck to go upstairs to his nice bed. He didn’t want him to get a crick in his neck from sleeping on the couch. It couldn’t be comfortable with the way his head was tilted downward to his chest. 

However, Buck looked so peaceful. And Buck had mentioned in his drunken and sleepy state that he had been tired lately. Eddie grabbed a blanket from off the couch and settled it over Buck’s body. He carefully tried moving Buck, so that he was lying down on the couch. Buck mumbled in his sleep, but still didn’t wake up. 

He was such a heavy sleeper. 

Eddie knelt down by Buck’s face as he tucked the blanket up to his chin. In the stillness of night, Buck looked ethereal. The light, from the TV, cloaked him in a shroud of celestial beauty. His fingers hovered over skin that he had no doubt would be warm to the touch. 

His fingers swept over Buck’s face, feeling the cool air of his breath tickle the palm of his hands. He was so close, his fingers nearly touched his lips. Feeling a wave of fear, he drew his hand back. 

What if Buck woke up to see Eddie hovering over him like this?

Would he look at him with disgust?

Would he pull away as Eddie’s hands fell into the space between them?

Or would he reach out and interlace his hands with Eddie’s?

Would he place Eddie’s hands below his as they rested on cheeks grown warm with interest and love? 

Could Eddie be blessed to live in a dream where his affections were not only accepted, but also returned?

Was there a world in which that dream could reshape the reality in which Eddie found himself bound to?

His soul ached at the possibility. 

His ribs shifted in his chest as his lungs expanded. The ribs cracked apart, a sharp twinge pierced his heart in its wake. His lungs continued to inflate, giving life to the flowers within his body. He choked on them, urging the flowers to stay in his heart. 

His ribs built a fence around this garden of carmine chrysanthemums. Salvias the color of azure oceans, sprouted behind it. Its leaves became lovingly intertwined. He wanted to present himself to Buck in an array of flowers, to be received by someone who could lovingly take care of them. 

He leaned closer, keeping his hands planted under his knees. 

“Buck,” he softly spoke, hoping Buck wouldn’t wake. “Buck.”

Buck didn’t stir not once. 

Eddie leaned closer. His eyelashes kissed the delicate skin of Buck’s chin. He wondered which flowers Buck would prefer?

One time, in school they had been tasked with growing flowers for a science experiment. Eddie had picked marigolds and used the soil from his mom’s garden. No matter how much sunlight the marigolds received and no matter how much Eddie watered it — the flowers never bloomed. Eventually, the leaves shriveled and died. Maybe no matter how beautiful the flowers were, if they weren’t planted in good soil they wouldn’t thrive. 

How could these flowers thrive in Eddie’s unworthy soul? 

His heart continued cracking, unbeknownst to the affliction of his body and mind. He worried about the flowers growing in his chest. How could he satiate their desperate yearning to be given the space to grow? He wanted them to grow so badly, so he could give them to Buck. His heart could no longer keep all of those flowers in this small garden. 

Buck said he was waiting for someone to fill the space he had carved. Could he be waiting, until Eddie’s flowers were ready to bloom? In some fantasy world, could he imagine it was him who Buck was waiting for? 

Tears pricked at his eyes. He’d let them flow without company, but he withheld them. Flowers couldn’t be watered with salty tears. 

Flowers spoke words Eddie was not yet ready to speak. Perhaps that was why they hadn’t made their way out of Eddie’s chest and onto his lips. Eddie found himself suffering a misfortunate dichotomy between reassuring hope and desperate longing. His heart cracked open and the pieces kept splintering as Eddie came to a realization. The background noise, of the narrator discussing how the polar bear was looking for a place to fish, grew quieter. 

Eddie placed his hand on his heart, begging with its broken fragments not to  rip apart Eddie’s chest, so that the flowers would have an easy passageway out. 

His veins thrummed in tension. 

The pounding of his heart thundered loudly in his ear. 

Everything within him beseechingly whispered for him to speak. They kept insistently whispering, ignoring Eddie’s resolute desire to remain silent. But they continued whispering. 

Whispering, say it . 

Say it. 

Say it. 

“I love you,” Eddie whispered as he felt the flowers pour out of his heart and soul. He watched them curl around Buck’s face and make a crown at the top of his head. 

“Eddie?” Buck rasped, eyes blinking blearily at him. 

Eddie scrambled back, his shoulder hitting the corners of the coffee table. The whispered confession fell away like petals scattered in the tumultuous wind of a storm. 

He winced as he clumsily stood up from his kneeling position. His body trembled as he looked back at Buck, who had gone right back to sleep. He probably hadn’t even heard Eddie’s confession, but that didn’t stop fear from gripping Eddie by the throat. 

He couldn’t breathe. 

He had to get out of there. 

He didn’t have half the mind to tell Buck he was leaving. 

He just needed to get out, before he did something worse. 

He threw on his shoes, not caring how he placed them on the wrong feet. In his haste to leave, he  tripped over the box of Tommy’s belongings. He quickly grabbed his keys and left Buck’s loft, making sure to quietly close and lock the door behind him. 

He began driving with no end destination in sight. He thought at one point he would make it home. Which is why it completely baffled him as the door opened to Karen’s surprised face. 

“Eddie?”

Eddie blinked at her slowly, confused as to how he got from out of his car, to their front door, and rang the doorbell. 

“Eddie, you okay?”

Eddie shook his head to clear his mind from any fogginess. “Yes, sorry. I just…”

“Are you looking for Hen? She didn’t tell me you were coming by. She’s out with the kids at the movies, but should be back in another hour or so.”

“Yes, I wanted to talk to Hen,” Eddie lied, hoping Karen would believe him. “I can call her later. It’s getting late anyways. I shouldn’t have shown up to your house late at night.”

“Eddie, it’s only eight right now. It’s not that late. Come inside. You traveled all this way here,” Karen said, pulling Eddie into her house. “Besides, it’s good to have some company. I couldn’t go to the movies because I had a zoom meeting. But that’s been over for a while. I was about to grab a bottle of wine and relax until the kids came back home.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to barge in on your free time. I should go…”

“Eddie, don’t you dare think you’re bothering me. Come on, sit down. You want a glass of wine?”

“Sure?”

“Do you have a preference?” Karen called out to him as she went into her kitchen, after she had successfully directed Eddie to sit on the couch. 

“No,” Eddie answered, while sinking onto the couch. 

That was a good couch. He’d have to ask them where they bought it. Karen came out holding a bottle of wine and two wine glasses. Eddie took the glasses from her hand 

“I know you want to talk to Hen, but is there anything you maybe want to run by me? I’ve heard I’m pretty good at giving advice.”

Eddie tipped back all of the wine that Karen had just poured. 

“Dang, Eddie.”

“I’m going to need more wine for this,” Eddie said, holding his glass back at her. 

“Alright, so it’s this type of talk. Let’s do it,” Karen cheered, filling his cup back up. 

The two of them kept filling their wine glasses to the point where they were consuming more than what was left in the bottle. Eddie opened up a little about what he was feeling. He felt that she was the only one who could give him some impartial advice. Frank would be all clinical with his advice. He couldn’t talk to Buck because…well it’d be weird to go talk to the very person you were having life changing feelings for. 

Karen listened to him, offering her undivided attention. Seeing that Eddie wasn’t stopping anytime soon, she let him talk with only a few interjections. 

“And gosh Hen…it’s like…I haven’t felt this way, since-” Eddie gulped down some more wine.

“You haven’t felt this way since when?” Karen questioned, brushing back a braid that had fallen in front of her eye. 

“Since…” Eddie trailed, sleepily blinking his eyes open. 

The open syllable of the name petered off into something lower than a whisper. 

“Shannon?” Karen helpfully provided, perking up like she had correctly guessed the answer on Jeopardy. 

“Samuel,” Eddie slurred, slumping back in his chair. He covered his eyes with the arm that didn’t have a death grip on his wine glass. 

“Oh,” Karen gasped, eyes widening. She set her wine glass down. “Oh! Oh, Eddie. That’s an incredibly brave thing to admit.”

“Don’t feel brave. Needed wine to admit that,” Eddie hiccupped, pouring down the last remaining drop into his glass. 

“No, that was all you. I’m sure weeks of therapy have helped. You did that work. Wine maybe gave you a tiny bit of courage,” Karen smiled. “Also oh, my goodness. I knew there were some vibes at the bar! But I didn’t want to say anything to Hen or you. It makes so much sense why Samuel and Buck were glaring at each other. Honestly, if looks could kill Samuel would’ve been dust.”

Karen paused, taking a sip of her drink. 

“So you want Buck to be your boyfriend,” Karen teasingly sang. She playfully shook his shoulder and made a song of it. 

“I want everything with him, Karen,” Eddie confessed, eyes widening with how simple it was to say that. 

Karen bounced in her seat, pushing Eddie at the shoulders. Her wine sloshed around in her glass as she clumsily tried hugging Eddie. 

“Eddie, that’s so sweet. Buck, wants everything with you too.”

“How do you know?” Eddie asked her, hoping for a detailed response. 

“I just know,” Karen solemnly nodded. She pulled away from Eddie to take another sip of her wine. Wiping at the corners of her lips, she said, “Trust me. I have a keen eye for people in love. It’s my superpower.”

He needed Karen to be a bit more specific with her answer. 

“What if I can only offer him weeds instead of pretty flowers?” Eddie started to sniffle, growing impossibly more conflicted. 

Karen tilted her head to the side. “I mean I think a weed bouquet could be a turn on the traditional flower bouquet. I didn’t think you two were getting this serious already. But I can see all the dominoes falling into place, once you two got out of your heads. Huh, I guess Hen and Maddie’s plan is coming along together fairly well. ”

Eddie frowned at her, curious as to how she failed to understand what he was saying. “No, Karen. I’m talking about actual weeds. I only have weeds, get it? Flowers don’t bloom in places I plant. And Buck deserves flowers.”

“A flower bouquet! Aww, Eddie you’ll have the prettiest flowers. I promise. They’ll be the best flowers ever. You may win an award.”

Karen giggled and Eddie smiled back at her. He didn’t know why she was laughing, but the sound trickled over to his chest. Then Eddie was infected with her laughter. 

“Can I be your best woman?” Karen inquired. “I always wanted to be someone’s maid of honor…well matron of honor. Whatever. I want to be your best woman. I’ll plan the shit out of your bachelor party.”

“What?” Eddie said, feeling whiplash from Karen’s question. 

“Mara and Jee can be flower girls! Think of the cute dresses!” Karen clapped her hands excitedly. She bounced in her seat and pulled Eddie by his arms. “Do you want a spring or summer wedding?”

“I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves,” Eddie said, but couldn’t help the flicker of hope at the idea of marriage, especially if it was with Buck. 

“You’re right. We should probably make these plans with Buck too,” Karen sagely agreed. “He’s a planner.”

“Most definitely,” Eddie hiccupped again, chasing the effects of wine. “He’d probably have venues picked out already.”

They were so deep into planning this hypothetical wedding, that they didn’t hear the door chime go off signaling that someone had entered. 

“Yes, Buck. He’s here. I just got home. No, it seems my wife has roped Eddie into her famous Wine Wednesday cool down,” Hen said as she stepped into the den. “Kids, go get showered and dressed for bed. I’ll be in there later to say goodnight.”

Mara and Denny said goodnight to both Karen and Eddie, before they went to get ready for bed. 

“Karen,” Karen happily smiled. 

“We’re drinking wine,” Eddie chirped, finishing off his glass of wine. 

“Yes, that is your name. And yes, Eddie. I can see that. Goodness, how much did you two drink? Hold on, Buck. No, don’t come over here. I don’t know why the two of you decided to get wine drunk on a weekday, when you both know you have work tomorrow.”

“Oh, shit. I forgot,” Eddie groaned. 

“I’ll just call in,” Karen dismissed, finishing off her glass. 

“You can’t call in. You have that presentation, remember?”

“Oh, shit,” Karen echoed Eddie’s former sentiment. 

Karen and Eddie turned to each other and started uproariously giggling. Hen took the bottle from them, which only had less than a third of it left. 

“Yeah, I’m closing both of your tabs for tonight. Let’s get you ready for bed. Say goodnight to Eddie,” Hen instructed, holding out her arms for Karen to hold onto. 

“Goodnight, Eddie. Sorry to cut this sleepover short. You better remember I call dibs on the best woman.”

Eddie lolled his head to the side and shrugged. “I’ll see. May have to fight my sisters for it though.”

Karen held up her fists in a boxing pose. “I can fight. Hen, tell him. I can fight. There was this one girl that…”

Hen put her hand over Karen’s lips, but it didn’t stop her from talking. Only thing was Eddie couldn’t hear a thing she was saying. 

Hen looked at him curiously. “Alright, I’m going to get this one to bed. Eddie, you’re staying over. Don’t even think about leaving. Let me set up the guest bedroom. Also here talk to Buck. He’s worried,” Hen said, tossing her phone to him. 

“Buck,” Eddie deliriously sang. 

“Eddie. Fuck, Eddie. You can’t leave like that. I woke up and you were gone,” Buck stressfully exclaimed. 

“Sorry,” Eddie grumbled under his breath. Exhaustion slithered into his voice and escaped as a yawn. “Didn’t want to wake you up.”

“I’d much rather be woken up by you saying you’re leaving than waking up and seeing you’re gone without notice. I can’t handle that right now,” Buck pleaded. “Please, just…if you have to leave, wake me up.” 

“You have my location. You know where’d I be,” Eddie reminded him. 

Buck sighed. “I know I have your location. Unfortunately, my brain function was low after waking up. Checking that wasn’t my first thought. Why were you at Hen’s anyways?”

“Needed to talk,” Eddie answered. 

“You needed to talk to her in person at almost nine at night?”

“Mhm,” Eddie tiredly responded. 

“Do I need to pick you up? Eddie? Eddie?” Buck repeated. 

Eddie blinked back awake. “Sorry, fell asleep. No, don’t pick me up. I’m staying at Hen’s tonight.”

“You sure?”

“Positive,” Eddie stated, holding a thumbs up for an audience of no one. 

“Alright, I guess I’ll see you at work tomorrow. Get some good rest, Eddie.”

“You too,” Eddie said, while handing the phone to Hen who had come back in the room. 

Hen took it from him and pressed it against her ear. “Yes, Buck. I will make sure to do that. No, they were fine. Just two giggly drunks talking about weddings. I don’t know Buck. Your guess is as good as mine. Yeah, of course. I’ll take care of him. You too. Uh, huh. Okay, goodnight.”

Hen shut her phone off and put it in her back pocket. “Alright, Diaz. You know where the guest bedroom is. I put a spare toothbrush in the hall bathroom. It’s the purple one. You’ll probably sleep through your alarm, so I’ll wake you up in time for our shift.”

“Thanks, Hen,” Eddie replied as he stood up, feeling a little dizzy on his feet. 

“And you’re good? Karen told me you had to talk to me,” Hen asked, right before Eddie could

“I’m good. Karen was a good listener,” Eddie smiled. 

“Glad, she was here for you. Now get some sleep. You and Karen are about to have a very rough morning ahead of you both.”

Eddie groaned and trudged along to the guest bedroom. As his face met the pillow, he prayed the wine hangover wouldn’t make his shift unbearable.

It had been days since Samuel and him had lunch at that barbecue spot. In that time span, the two of them had met up again for coffee. This time Eddie didn't leave early with the excuse of rushing out to make it to work. Instead, after they had finished with their drinks, Samuel offered to give Eddie a tour of his organization's new office. He had agreed because this was keeping things simple. He could gain insight into Samuel's new life, without digging deep into their past. He could let all of that go for a few hours.

After they had lunch at the barbecue spot, he decided he to ignore Frank’s advice of opening himself up to confrontation. He didn’t need to do that. Samuel would be leaving soon. Chill coffee hangouts were all he needed. It would be fine. He could hold back his tongue and ease back into the familiarity of a friendship with Samuel, until his stay in California came to an end.

And it was good. 

It was good, ignoring Frank’s advice. 

It was so good that it almost made Eddie forget how the goodness felt cheap and fake. 

Frank helped, he did. Otherwise he would have quit these sessions a long time ago. But Frank told Eddie to open up to Samuel about why things ended. He wanted to know what was the root cause for their friendship souring. Eddie didn’t want to do that. At his next session, he would tell Frank it was fine. He tried opening up, but it was better for the both of them to not delve into their past. By August, Samuel would be gone. 

He’d let the wound, from their past, bleed out a little longer. Then he would stitch himself back together and pretend the wound never existed. He had gotten so good at mastering the art of pretending. 

Frank would say that wasn’t healthy. 

Eddie would respond by saying he didn’t care.

Thankfully, work gave him a bit of reprieve from thoughts about Samuel. Their 12 hour shift had been relatively good so far. There weren't any calls that had them extending a lot of their energy. Even the call they were on right now was fairly easy.

They were responding to a call from a pet store owner. A fire had spread in their store, when one of their electrical outlets from their fish tanks short-circuited. Now they were busy lifting various animal tanks out of the pet store, where they would be transported to the another pet store in a neighboring city. 

“How many fish tanks are in here?” Hen questioned. “I turn around and there’s another one. Surely, there’s some code they’re violating. Because there’s no way they can have these many animals in this small spot.”

“It is cramped in here,” Buck groaned, checking over the electrical outlets and making sure everything was okay. “Poor animals. Maybe I can write an anonymous letter, saying they need to move to a new space.”

“Honestly, after this they will more than likely have to find a new space very soon,” Chimney stated. “Hey, does this fish look dead?”

Ravi peered into the fish tank and then tapped it twice. Immediately, the fish turned over and began sleeping. “No, it was just taking a nap.”

“Yeah, the back of their storage room is completely torched to pieces. There wasn’t anything salvageable in there,” Buck replied, dusting off the pants of his turnout. He stood up from his crouched position. 

“I hope they had everything on their computers backed-up,” Hen exclaimed. “Imagine if all their customers' info was only on paper.”

“That’d be a mess to get around. It’d take so much work to get that information back. It’s a good thing they didn’t have anyone scheduled to come in today,” Eddie stated, shaking off a piece of algae that he had stepped on. 

“They were really lucky," Chimney nodded. 

“Who even thought it was a good idea to have these many things plugged in? Seriously, some people don’t have common sense at all,” Buck gritted, while hoisting up one fish tank. “Probie, come help me with this.”

Ravi ran over to grab the other side of the fish tank. 

“How long has this establishment been here?” Chimney questioned, a threat at the tip of his tongue. “Because the structure looks fairly old.”

“I don’t know,” Hen replied. 

“Oh, never mind. I see it on the certificate. 2017? Why does this place look so dastardly and haunting,” Chimney asked. 

“You are awful,” Eddie chuckled, looking for the lizard that the owner said had escaped. “This place doesn’t look all that bad, Chimney. It looks like it only needs a fresh coat of painting and new floors.” 

“Eddie, you like seeing the good in everything. But don’t lie. This place is making your skin crawl. I could see the way you almost screamed, when you stepped into a spiderweb,” Buck teased. “Hey, did anyone ever find the lizard?”

“Nope, we’ve been searching in our area, but haven’t seen it. You didn’t see it, when you stepped out to put the tanks in their trucks?” Eddie questioned. 

Ravi’s scream could be heard from miles away. He ran over to them, where the lizard was steadily making its way up Ravi’s leg. Buck bent down and reached out to grab the little escape artist. 

“I found the lizard!” Buck shouted, holding it upside down by its tail, smiling widely. “You think Bobby would let me keep it as the 118 pet?”

“Not a chance, Buck,” Bobby said, finally coming back from his talk with the owner. “And no I don’t care that the 133 have a pet hamster.”

“Please, I promise to love it and take care of it,” Buck said cuddling the lizard as one would a puppy or kitten. “Look at him. He’s so cute.”

“How do you know it’s a he?”

Buck shrugged. “Or she. We can ask to adopt the lizard. They clearly need some animals taken off their hands. Cap, come on. Look at its sweet eyes.”

Buck blinked his own eyes, holding the lizard to his face. Bobby looked at the lizard and then at Buck. 

And that’s how they wound up taking home a lizard, who was now resting on Buck’s lap. Buck was going through the papers the vet had left to him for its care. She had even given them some free items to care for the pet, since they saved her store and the animals. 

“Hey, say cheese.” He wanted a picture of Buck and the lizard to send to Christopher. 

Buck quickly posed, striking up a peace sign and holding the lizard in his other hand. “You sending this to Christopher?”

“Of course. I’ll send it in our group chat.”

“Aww, how sweet. They have a family group chat,” Chimney teased. “When will we be able to merge the two families together?”

“Chimney no one wants to merge into your family group chat. You and Maddie turn it into a weird thing where you forget I’m in there. My eyes are still recovering from the message you sent about post-date night plans.”

“Well, if there were more people in the family chat besides three people, maybe I would remember. It’s not my fault I see Maddie’s name show up first on the messages and I hit respond.”

“You can name the group messages," Buck informed him. 

“Then you should’ve named it!”

The two argued back and forth, still settling into the dynamic of brother and brother-in-law…which honestly wasn't a new dynamic for them. They had been acting like brothers well before Maddie and Chimney had put a ring on it. While they argued over group messages, Eddie went through his own messages. He saw an unread text from Samuel at the top of his messages. He read the message and frowned. It wasn’t even a text that should elicit such a response. But it still made Eddie feel nervous. 

“Who are you texting that’s got you making that facial expression?” Hen questioned, turning to face him. 

“Samuel.”

“Oh, what does he want?” Hen asked, checking to make sure Eddie was okay with her line of questioning. When Karen had left for work the next morning, Eddie and Hen had been left to eat breakfast alone. He repeated what he told Karen the previous night. The wine gave him courage to confess to having feelings for Buck. But saying it sober and clear-minded made things feel real. Honestly, it had been nice that someone else knew what he was feeling. It made the feelings, rising in Eddie's chest, not feel daunting. 

“I don’t know. He wants me to meet him at the hotel he’s staying at,” he said, pocketing his phone. “It just feels like I’m off balance when it comes to him. But I told him I'd meet him there. He said he wants to talk."

Dang it, he had tried so hard to avoid this very predicament. But he couldn't help the tiny voice of Frank telling him that he needed to talk to Samuel, before he left. Otherwise he would regret it for a longtime. Would he truly pass up this opportunity to address the things he couldn't talk about in public? Was this Samuel extending an olive-branch to talk? Could he be wanting to finally apologize for what he said to Eddie all those years ago? That was the only reason he responded yes to Samuel's invitation. 

“Pause,” Buck started, tuning into Hen and Eddie's conversation. “Samuel wants you to come over to his hotel?”

“Yes, he wants to talk,” Eddie informed him, while putting his phone away. 

“Haven’t you two talked enough?” Buck reproachfully said as he ran his fingers over the lizard’s tale. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Every time I’ve asked to hangout this week, you’re with Samuel.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is true.”

“Buck, I only said I wasn’t free that time you asked to go to the movies because Samuel wanted me to tour the new office. I wanted to spend time with Samuel before he leaves.”

“And he wants you to meet him at his hotel late at night?”

“What are you trying to say?” Eddie asked, raising an eyebrow at him. 

Buck angrily tore his face away from him. “I don’t think it makes sense to see him this late.”

By then they had pulled into the fire station and were still talking about the matter of Eddie meeting up with Samuel. Eddie didn’t know if Buck was more concerned with him meeting up with Samuel or over where he was meeting him. Because Buck knew he had been hanging out with Samuel and catching up. He thought he was fine with it. Apparently, he was not. 

"Isn't that way past your bedtime?" Buck lightly mocked, though there was a serious lilt in his tone. 

“Buck, I’m a grown adult. I can stay out however long I want to," Eddie pushed back, rolling his eyes. 

“I'm not saying you aren't an adult. And I'm not saying you can't stay out late,” Buck clarified. 

Eddie stared at him as the engine came to a stop in the station. "Then what are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying it's weird that all of a sudden he's asking you to meet at his hotel. Couldn't he have asked to meet you somewhere else? Grabbing coffee wasn't enough for him? Surely, if the only thing he wants to do is talk, he can do so somewhere else. Why does it have to be a hotel?"

“Buck. Eddie,” Chimney soothed. “Let’s cool things down a bit.”

“Dude, what’s your problem?” Eddie fumed, throwing off his seat belt. 

“Nothing, have fun on your date,” Buck said, hopping out of the truck. “I’m going to go introduce Liz to her new home.”

“It’s not a date,” Eddie rejected. “Where on earth would you get that idea from? Have I given you any sign or inclination that would make you think I’d go on a date with him? That’s not…Buck…it’s not…”

He thinly inhaled through his mouth. 

“When we make it back to the firehouse, it’ll be seven. By the time you shower and head out, it’ll almost be eight. Do you think it’s a good idea to be going to someone’s hotel that late? Don’t you think that’s a little suspicious?” Buck asked, as he slid out of his turnout gear. 

“Stop being weird about it Buck. He just wants to talk,” Eddie told him. 

“I’m not being weird. He's being weird. There are so many places you can talk. It doesn’t have to be his hotel. Are you meeting in the hotel lobby? Or is he asking you to meet him in his room?”

"Who cares where we're meeting? Like I previously said, I am a grown adult who can make my own decisions,” he repeated because Buck clearly couldn’t get it through his head that Eddie could make well informed decisions. 

“Question is whether they’re good decisions,” Buck muttered, turning away from him. 

“Excuse me. You want to repeat that louder?” Eddie snapped, walking quickly to stand in front of Buck.

He wasn't going to walk away from this conversation without telling Eddie why he was so put off by him meeting Samuel. He was perfectly fine the first time he met Samuel, but now all of a sudden it was a problem. It wasn't as though he needed permission from him to hangout with his old friend. Sure, would he usually tell Buck where he and Samuel were going? Of course. But this was a spur of the moment thing. Samuel had kindly asked that he come over and Eddie was fine to meet up. Maybe Buck had wanted to hangout with him after work and was mad that those plans had been ruined. But how was he supposed to know? That wasn't a good enough reason to cause a fuss. 

Eddie and Buck were standing opposite of one another. They didn’t pay any mind to the growing audience they had. It was a good thing that Bobby had already left to go to his office, to get a head start on his paperwork. They didn't need their captain calling them out on their unprofessional behavior. It was already bad that B-shift was witnessing this mess. B-shift had started to come in the station and recognized the tension. Some stayed just outside the locker room, wanting to get some insight into what was happening.  

“Buck, let’s calm down,” Chimney said. “Tell Eddie you’re sorry.”

They didn’t need Chimney’s parenting right now. 

Buck was itching for a fight and Eddie had been chasing after one for a while. 

“You can’t tell me you don’t know what the old meet me at my hotel move is,” Buck laughed without any amusement in the sound. 

“It’s not like that,” Eddie said, pleading with Buck to understand. Why was he being so bull-headed about this? 

“Does he know that? Because Eddie you can’t be that blind? Every time you two were sitting next to each other, he seemed like he was one breath away from pulling you to sit in his lap,” Buck lowly shouted. 

“And so what? So what if he did? What would it matter to you?” Eddie yelled back. 

Samuel had done no such thing and even if he had tried, Eddie wouldn’t have allowed it. 

“Because you wouldn’t have wanted it.”

“And what if I did,” Eddie said, chest rising. “You didn’t know that I didn’t want to sit in his lap. Who knows, it could've been very comfortable.”

“Yeah, well mine is better,” Buck seethed. 

He felt sorry for Liz. She was being rehomed into a very hostile environment. She was probably wondering what was wrong with the vibes in this new home. Buck had let her crawl onto his shoulder and she blinked her eyes at Eddie. He refused to be judged by a lizard. That would be a new low for him and he feared he would never recover from it. 

“This is the strangest competitive version of…is it okay to say it?” Ravi questioned from where he had been listening. 

“You should have seen them when Eddie first came into the 118. Honestly, I didn’t know what was happening,” Chimney noted. 

“Or the scene in the grocery store,” Hen added. 

“Oh, so this happens a lot,” Ravi observed. 

“Ravi, you’ve been here for almost four years. If you haven’t noticed this is a normal occurrence, I’m very glad you chose to be a firefighter and not a lawyer," Hen claimed. 

“I thought I stepped in a pool of tension at the bar, but this is next level,” Ravi commented. "This is giving me flashbacks to listening to my parents argue."

“Something happened at the bar?” Chimney asked, brightening at the idea of new information. 

“Probie, go restock the med-kits,” Buck demanded, without looking back at Ravi. 

“Was that the equivalent of being sent to my room?” Ravi questioned. 

“Ravi,” Buck repeated with a bit more force this time. 

“Yes, dad,” Ravi saluted. Ravi went away, but lingered behind the engine to continue listening in on them. 

“You can’t meet some dude at a hotel,” Buck continued. 

“He’s not some random dude that I just happened to meet. In fact I’ve known him almost longer than you,” he childishly felt the need to push, watching Buck's hackles raise. 

“He doesn’t know you better though,” Buck corrected, stepping further into Eddie’s space. 

“Wanna bet?” Eddie asked, taking a step closer. 

“Depends what are you offering?”

Buck’s eyes shuttered dangerously close to his lips. 

The two of them were nearly a hair's width apart. 

“What is your deal with him?” Eddie asked, feeling the need to step back, but choosing to draw closer. 

“I don’t trust him,” Buck honestly spoke, taking one foot forward. 

“You don’t know him.”

“I don’t have to know him, to know that I don’t trust him with you. I don’t trust how he makes you shrink in on yourself. I don’t trust how every time he starts talking, you don’t say a lot. It’s like you’re afraid to say something or you don’t trust yourself to speak. You’re holding back,” Buck grit out. 

“I don’t do that,” Eddie denied, falling back a little from where he had been too close to Buck. 

“Yes, you do. He doesn’t notice, but I do. And honestly, Eddie, it pisses me off. It pisses me off that someone who had the pleasure of knowing you for that long, doesn’t see how much they’re hurting you.”

Eddie moved even further, staring at Buck and feeling his heart pound in his chest. 

“You can’t tell me this isn’t hurting you. I don’t know what it is exactly because you won’t tell me. But I know you. I know the miniscule face changes in your expressions. I know the way your eyes flicker with emotion, before you hide it. Does Samuel know that?”

Buck reached over, hands positioned to touch his arm but never doing so. 

“Samuel doesn’t know a damn thing about you. If he did, he would have left you alone the moment he saw that shuttered expression fall over your face, when he saw that tattoo on your arm,” Buck rushed out. 

Eddie swallowed fire and couldn't manage to say anything as a response to Buck. 

Hen stepped between them. “Alright, this is still our place of work. Don’t worry. I’ll wrangle this one off your hands for a bit. Come on, Buck. Let’s cool down. Our shift is over and we're still here. That's clearly a problem.”

“Right. You’re right, Hen. Sorry. I’m going to take a shower,” Eddie blankly responded. 

He walked to their showers as Hen started pulling Buck up the stairs by his ear. He took the quickest shower known to man, after texting Samuel that he would be over there soon. Samuel had sent him the address, even though Eddie already saved the hotel’s address in his maps from the day he dropped Samuel off.  

Eddie finished getting dressed, spraying a thin layer of cologne over his clothes. He was grabbing his things from his locker, when Buck pressed in beside him. Patiently, he waited for Buck to say something. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten angry. It wasn’t professional. It also wasn’t right as a friend to question your decisions. I should’ve been calmer with my concern and been supportive. I should’ve been better at regulating my emotions,” Buck apologized, eyes looking at Eddie. 

Eddie sighed and closed his locker, making sure to lock it. Then he turned to face him, back pressed against his locker. He couldn’t blame Buck and put this all on him. Eddie was itching for a fight and instead of picking it with the one person who deserved it, he chose a target that didn’t deserve to be shot at. 

“We’ve both had long days. I’m not mad, promise. There’s a lot with Samuel that I didn’t expect to have to address, especially when I’m still dealing with Christopher. And then my parents keep texting and calling about sending more clothes. Then the school counselor called me today, asking if I knew when I could have Christopher come by and schedule his classes for the year, since he wasn’t able to do it at the beginning of the summer."

“Eddie, take a few breaths. It’s good.”

“I’m sorry too," Eddie exhaled. 

“No, don't be sorry. You’re an adult. I don’t have any right to decide who you hang out with or when.”

“Yeah, you need to dial back the Bridgerton vibes just a little. I don't need a chaperone. And I’m serious it’s not like that,” Eddie said, hoping that Buck would take him for his word. There wasn't even a small inkling of desire for the night to progress in the manner that Buck was thinking it might. 

“I know, but even if it was…I’d want you to know you can come to me and talk about it. I promise not to go all wide-eyed frantic about it, if this makes you happy. If he makes you happy,” he said like the words pained him. 

You’re my happiness , the voice that had been dormant since the double date began to speak up. 

“I know. But I promise, it’s not like that. Okay, I promise. There’s nothing there. I’m meeting up with him because I finally want to talk about everything. And it seems that he wants to as well. That’s it. I just want some closure, so I can feel at peace.”

Buck stared at him for a few seconds, trying to see if there were any traces of a lie. Eddie bared himself open, to prove to Buck he would never lie to him about this. 

“Okay.”

Eddie couldn’t stop himself from wrapping his arms around Buck’s shoulder. “Thank you for caring though. I know, you were only worried about me. But you don’t have to be anymore. I’m doing better at making wise choices.”

“I know you are and I'm sorry for saying you weren't,” Buck said, wrapping his hands around Eddie. “I still look have to look out for you though.”

"I know."

“Keep your location on,” Buck said, tightening his arms around him, before stepping away. 

“I always do,” Eddie said, feeling better that they had quickly worked things out. 

Buck raised his eyebrow.

“Okay, I learned my mistake. Don’t worry. No secret rendezvous with my dead wife’s doppelganger.”

“Alright. Be safe out there.”

Eddie walked away, leaving Buck in the locker room. He said goodbye to everyone else who hadn’t yet left for the night. Then he made his way to his truck and headed to Samuel's hotel.

Samuel ordered pizza and wine to the room. Eddie declined the wine, wanting to be able to drive himself back home. Seeing that Eddie wasn’t drinking, Samuel set aside the bottle of wine in favor of grabbing two bottles of water from the room’s refrigerator. 

The two recounted old stories with another, the stories seemingly endless. They could have continued for hours, but Eddie needed more from this night. He needed to know what had happened to make Samuel carelessly rip into Eddie’s feelings. He never felt like he could talk to anyone about what truly happened. The only person he ever wanted to talk about it with was sitting right in front of him. 

And he still wasn’t giving Eddie any closure. Forget it, Frank was right. He had to open up eventually. He couldn’t keep things bottled up any longer. This was the safest place to do so. There were no bystanders that would look over in confusion as voices raised. 

It was only the two of them in that hotel room. 

“What are we doing here  Samuel? I’ve been letting us live in this bubble of pretend. I hate to be the one to pop it, but it’s exhausting waiting for everything to fall apart. You didn’t talk to me for years,” Eddie began, setting aside the food they had been eating. "We both know that we've been delaying the inevitable. You must've asked me to come here to actually talk. I agreed, under the assumption I was meeting you here to talk. Otherwise, why am I here?"

He pulled his legs underneath him, putting all of his body weight on the heels of his feet. Samuel turned to him, crossing his legs and leaning toward Eddie. He was close enough to where he could trail his fingers on Eddie’s knees. 

“I don’t know,” Samuel murmured. 

“That’s not an answer,” Eddie said, drawing back, ready to leave. "If we're not here to talk, then there's not a reason for me to stay. If you want to continue pretending things are fine, then we'll go back to grabbing coffee. We'll keep meeting for coffee, until you get on your plane flight back to Austin."

But Samuel stopped him. “Please, Eddie. Stay."

“You want me to stay? Then I’m going to need you to talk. It’s been fun, spending time with each other and catching up like old friends. I get to the point where I forget everything and wonder why I have been missing this my whole life. Why have I been missing you?”

“Eddie,” Samuel sadly mumbled. 

“I'm asking for the bare minimum here, Samuel. I'm only asking you to talk to me about everything we have never spoken about. Tell me why we're like this now," Eddie voiced as he moved to sit back down on the bed. 

Samuel raised his hand to Eddie’s cheek, thumb brushing alongside the sharpest point of it. Then he moved to the apples of his cheeks, fingers leaving sparks of heat in its wake. He hated how familiar and foreign this touch was. 

“Eddie.”

“Stop doing that,” he sneered, pushing his hand away from his face. “You’re just saying my name and never actually talking. I’m here because I wanted to talk, finally address the big elephant in the room.”

Samuel sighed, moving away from Eddie to lean against the headboard. He threw a pillow over his face. Eddie reached over, pulling the pillow off of his face. He moved back in front of him, so Samuel would have to meet his stare. 

“I don’t know how to do this.”

“You think I do? I came here hoping that you could at least try. Right now, you’re not even putting in a little effort.”

“Cause it’s hard.”

Eddie scoffed. "And you think this isn't hard for me? Getting my wisdom teeth out was easier than this."

Samuel glanced up at him, "It's not as hard for you as it is for me."

“Tell me what’s hard. Tell me why you think all of this is harder for you than it is for me,” Eddie begged him. 

“You do realize it’s hard having my world turn off its axis. Every time I see you, it’s like I can feel my soul extend from its body. It feels like an outer body experience. I can’t explain it. I can’t explain anything, Eddie. That’s the problem. I want to explain everything, but I don’t even know where to begin,” Samuel admitted. 

“You can begin with why you came up to me that night at the benefit banquet."

Samuel stared at him. “Eddie I told myself, if I ever saw you again and you were living a wonderful life — I’d never infringe on your happiness. I’d walk pass you like I would walk pass a stranger. But I saw you that day and I couldn’t stop the way my feet carried myself over to you.”

“It’s your fault we’re strangers,” Eddie pointed out.

“I know that Eddie. For so long, I wanted to apologize. I cared about you so much. You know that right?”

Despite wanting to argue with him, for the sake of it, Eddie said, “I cared about you too.”

Samuel mournfully shook his head. “Not the way I did.”

Eddie tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

“Eddie, don’t be dense. You understand the way I meant it.”

“No, I mean what do you mean that I didn’t care about you the same way? In what way did it ever feel like I didn’t care for you in that way?”

“In that way? Eddie, you can’t even say it,” Samuel disparaged. 

“Can you?” Eddie argued back. “It didn’t take me long to figure out that what we were doing wasn’t what normal friends did. I didn’t have anyone, but you to base the concept of friendship on. But around the fifth time we kissed was when I got clued into the fact that friends didn’t do that.”

“Eddie, that’s not-” Samuel broke off, feeling bereft that he couldn’t voice what he wanted to say. 

“Don’t say you cared about me and then say I didn’t feel the same. I felt more than you ever did,” Eddie snarled at him. 

Anger swirled on his tongue. He wouldn’t swallow it back this time. He would let it seek vengeance on his behalf. He was tired of suffering. 

“Eddie,” Samuel said, eyes darting around like someone could come at any moment. “That’s not what I was trying to say.”

“Then say something that actually helps me understand what went wrong. Tell me why. It was good. Everything was good.”

“Because I started to want more. I wanted everything from you. I didn’t deserve that. I saw how everything was weighing down on you. Sneaking out, disobeying your dad. That was never the son you were meant to be. That isn’t the son your dad would have allowed you to be. I was a bad influence,” Samuel told him. 

“None of that mattered, when I had you.”

“It should’ve mattered!” Samuel yelled. 

Eddie flinched at the passion igniting in his voice. Samuel rubbed his hands over his face so harshly that Eddie was worried he would scratch himself. He took his hands away from his face to plant them on the bed in front of Eddie. 

“It felt like I was the only adult between us two. I had to be the one to make the hard and difficult adult decisions. You kept wanting to cling onto a friendship that had journeyed far outside of its natural boundaries. I reduced everything to childhood infatuation. I thought that it would go away in time. Why stress over something that wasn't going to last? Eventually, this infatuation and unhealthy obsession to be close to one another would pass. And I thought it did, once I met Esmeralda through one of my dad's work friends. I had believed my dad was helping to push me in the right direction. I thought maybe you needed a push in the right direction too.”

“The right direction?” Eddie parroted back, feeling sick with wherever this conversation was heading. 

“Yes. I saw how Shannon looked at you all those years, when you were a sophomore. I knew she liked you. Knew it’d be easy. I told you to take her to the spring formal, show her a good time. Told you that you needed to just try one time. It’d be good for you. I did it and I liked it. I said you would too.”

Samuel stopped talking. Eddie held onto the unspoken words, unsure if Samuel would have the courage to continue. 

“I didn’t think you’d get her pregnant. I didn’t think you’d make her your wife,” he miserably professed. Samuel let tears fall down his face.

He spat out the word wife with a vibrant shade of derision. 

“I hated it. I hated that you had a wife and a baby on the way. Suddenly, there was so much wrong with me...with you. You were everything that was wrong, even when I tried to point you in the right direction it was wrong.”

He didn’t like the implication that Eddie and Shannon were wrong.

“I married Shannon because I loved her,” Eddie affirmed. 

“The way you loved me?” Samuel asked. “Because you did. I know you loved me, Eddie. It wasn’t hard to tell.”

Jagged edges of glass made its way into his heart. Samuel had known how deeply his feelings ran and still said all those things to him? He had decided not to blame Samuel for hurting him so badly because he thought Samuel hadn’t known about the depth of his feelings. But he had known. He had known and still watched his words pierce his mind, body, and soul. 

“I loved Shannon,” he stammered, feeling the earth move away from him. 

“You didn’t love her. The letters you wrote to me were enough proof of that. You only wanted the praise from your dad. He finally told you that you’re a good man, stepping up to provide for your wife and unborn child. You didn’t love her at all. You loved the pride you felt, as a consequence of you stepping into all the dreams your dad beat into you.”

Eddie’s eyes shot wide open at the accusation. His chest rose with each inhalation. He pushed at Samuel’s chest, wanting him to feel the pain and panic he was experiencing. 

“You’re being mean right now Samuel. I loved Shannon. You don’t get to take that away from me. It might not have been this grand love that movies are made about, but I loved her in my own way.”

Samuel laughed sardonically. “I’m trying so hard not to be mean, Eddie. But it’s the only shield of defense I have to protect my heart.”

“Protect your heart? That’s not a good excuse. What about mine? Didn’t you see how much you hurt me? Can’t you see how much you’re still causing me pain?”

Samuel gasped on a wet laugh. “I'm not saying all of this as an excuse in hopes you forgive me or to make you feel bad. Can’t you see why I stayed away. I’m so messed up inside, Eddie. Every bit of my body’s contents are rotted and I infect everything I touch. I did it to you, but when I did some of your goodness lingered.”

Samuel crossed over the open space between them to get closer to him. Eddie stayed upright, mouth drawn in a tight line. 

“I just want to feel good again. Like I deserve to feel good. Not because I’m doing good for veterans, doing charitable work, or the other ways in which I tried erasing all the bad parts of me. I want to feel good because someone sees something inherently good in me.”

“I never saw anything bad in you,” Eddie reasoned. “I never had a reason to, until you started pushing me away. I know that hurt people, hurt people as a reactionary defense mechanism. But I never did. I never hurt you. I had all the reasons to, but I never did.”

Samuel’s glassy eyes pooled with heavy tears. “Eddie.”

“I tried so hard to talk to you. We knew each other well enough to tell each other our deepest secrets. I told you everything about me. You’re the only one I ever talked about how bad things were with my parents. My abuela still doesn’t know what happened that night I missed Adriana’s ballet recital. But you do.”

Eddie stopped speaking, feeling his voice become clogged with emotions. He gasped around a breath that sounded like a cry. 

“And with Shannon you told me to go to her. You told me to sleep with her and that when I did this feeling would go away. You told me that everything would shift into place. And when it didn’t…it was too late. I couldn’t go back."

“Eddie,” Samuel mournfully cried, memories moving past his eyes. It’s like Eddie had suddenly unlocked the archive of memories, Samuel had repressed. 

Samuel didn’t remember how much he had hurt him. Eddie had carried on that hurt for years. And he forgot. 

Eddie was about to remind him. 

The baseball team and the softball team had decided to do a joint fundraising event for their programs. They hoped to fundraise enough money to buy new buses, so that they could travel to their away games. Their buses were being prioritized to the other schools in their district. And the district wasn’t planning on helping out their school. A lot of the students at Eddie’s school had parents who worked, meaning that they couldn’t drive them to games. Others didn’t have cars. 

The baseball team decided they would have a car wash. The softball team decided they would have a bake-sale. They didn’t see a lot of money come in, until the late afternoon. Eddie had been washing cars for what felt like hours. Finally, his coach told him and a few other players to take a break and grab some lunch. 

One of the team moms rallied the other parents together and brought them all sandwiches and chips. Eddie was about to grab his sandwich to go sit with his teammates, when Shannon ran up to him. 

“Eddie! Hey, wait up,” Shannon shouted after him. 

Eddie turned around to see Shannon holding out a cupcake. 

“It’s a bit belated, but happy birthday! I don’t know what flavor you like or if you like cake. If you don’t, I can go back to the table and get you something different,” Shannon rushed out, already heading back toward the bake table. 

“No, I eat cake. This is really nice of you, Shannon. Thanks. I mean it,” Eddie grinned at her. 

Shannon tucked a curl by her ear. The apples of her cheeks grew red, probably from the heat of the sun. Eddie had the mindfulness to wear a visor and some shades. 

His parents hadn’t been able to buy him a cake this year. They said it was a bit of a splurge and their finances couldn’t take it. They had to save money for Adriana’s drill team camp. It was fine. Eddie hadn’t needed a cake to feel love. But it did feel nice to see the chocolate cupcake in Shannon’s hand with a single candle placed in the middle. 

“Gosh, your team moms are great. Ours didn’t get us food. We’re surviving on cupcakes and cookies,” Shannon complained, looking at the sandwich in Eddie's hand. 

Eddie looked down at his sandwich. “You want to go half on a sandwich? They got us all foot long subs. It’s turkey.”

“Oh, my goodness are you sure? You don’t mind sharing?”

“Not at all,” Eddie said. 

“Thanks! I’ve been starving. I’ve eaten about three cookies and two cupcakes already,” Shannon exclaimed. 

They went off a little distance away from the car wash and bake sale. Shannon sat down on the curb and took half of the sandwich Eddie had offered. She crossed her legs at the ankle and began eating. 

“You drew those designs?” Eddie asked. 

“Huh?” Shannon murmured around a piece of her sandwich. 

She looked down to where Eddie was pointing. Her bright red converse sneakers were drawn on with a black sharpie marker. A lot of the red was hidden underneath the drawings. 

“Oh, no I didn’t draw those. One of my friends who is taking AP Studio Art did it. He said my shoes looked sad and depressing. He’s doing other people’s shoes for $15 but he did mine for free. I could ask him to do yours, for a friend’s discount.”

Eddie looked down at his white sneakers. “My parents would probably kill me, if I came home with drawings on my sneakers. 

Shannon looked at his shoes and then back to him. “Fair. Your shoes are really white. Do you wash them with baking soda every night or something?”

Eddie laughed and bumped his shoulder into Shannon’s. “No, I don’t. I’m really good at keeping things clean.”

“Good luck, keeping your pristine white shoes clean at this car wash,” Shannon laughed. 

“Don’t believe in luck,” Eddie muttered

Shannon raised an eyebrow at him. “It’s just a saying, Eddie. You’re an interesting person.”

“Am I?”

“Yep. But it’s good. All my friends are obnoxiously normal. I need an interesting friend to balance that out all.”

“Oh, and are there many ways I’m interesting?” Eddie asked, but only because he truly wanted to know. Interesting wasn’t a word he would use to describe himself. 

“You’re an onion, I’m just waiting to peel back. Now, let me sing happy birthday to you so you can blow out your candles…okay candle. Sorry, there weren’t many candles at the Dollar Tree,” Shannon began. 

She rolled up her sandwich paper into a ball and put it into her pocket to discard later. She pulled out a lighter from her purse and lit the candle. Then she sang the worst rendition of “Happy Birthday” that Eddie ever had the misfortune of hearing. 

Shannon weakly grinned at him. “There’s a reason I’m not in the choir. Now make a wish. Make it a good one. This candle is very special.”

“How is it special?” Eddie asked, leaning forward to blow out the candle. 

“Because it’s your birthday candle, duh. Keep up, Diaz.”

Eddie rolled his eyes good naturedly and pretended to make a wish. He opened his eyes and blew on the candle. Shannon handed it to him and Eddie split it in half.

“I am so stuffed from sweets. You can keep it,” Shannon explained as she pushed the cupcake aside. 

Eddie shrugged and bit into the cupcake. His eyes widened. “This is good.”

“Thanks. I’ll be sure to pass the compliment along to Jordan’s mom. You think we’ll be out here for longer? I don’t think I can stay out in this heat. We should’ve brought out those tents that the track team uses for their meets.”

“Yeah, that would have been nice. The car wash line is no longer wrapping around the back of the school. And it looks like not too many people are lining up at your table. Maybe we’ll be able to leave soon” Eddie commented. 

“Oh, thank goodness,” Shannon sighed as she fell back onto the grass. 

Eddie finished eating his cupcake. He watched as the line for cars got shorter. There was one car in particular that looked familiar. But there were a lot of blue Chevrolet cars in this area. It couldn’t be his car. 

But his eyes searched for him anyway. He hadn’t seen him since his visit to the mall. Even though he was right next door, he hadn’t stopped by the Diaz house to say hi. He tried to quell his disappointment. 

Right as he was getting ready to stand up and head back to his team, he saw the familiar jungle green sneakers come into his line of vision. 

“Hey, I came to get my car washed,” Samuel said, grinning down at the two of them. “Heard there’s a good deal. Hopefully, no one messes it up.”

Eddie looked past Samuel to see Kenneth and Jacobi washing Samuel’s car. “You’re in good hands. Those two have been getting a lot of tips today.”

“Guess, it’s good I brought some money to spare,” Samuel joked. 

“Well, if you’ve got money could I also interest you in any baked goods? They’re really good. Bet, they’d love to see the former star QB buy something from them,” Shannon grinned. 

“We’ll see. Eddie, your parents asked me to pick you up and take you home. Said they wouldn’t be able to come by on time. Were you all almost finished here?” Samuel asked, sparing a glance at Shannon before looking back at Eddie. 

“I think so. I’d have to check in with my coach first.”

“Okay, check with your coach. I’ll be parked over there when my car is finished. Shannon, it was nice to see you again. Hope you girls do well this year,” Samuel grinned, winking at her. 

Eddie watched as the green sneakers grew smaller the further away Samuel got. 

“Phew, that is one fine man,” Shannon whistled, fanning herself. “Too bad I’m not his type.”

Eddie quickly turned his head. “What do you mean by that?”

“Isn’t he dating the girl who was runner-up in Miss Teen USA? What was her name? Esme? Emma? Something with an E? It was all over the local news. I knew that was his type as soon as I heard rumors they were dating. Isn’t that his type? Dainty and petite?” 

“How would I know?” Eddie defensively questioned, shoulders rising to his ears. 

“Maybe because you two are best friends and live right next to each other,” Shannon slowly recalled, as if reminding Eddie what he should already know. 

“That doesn’t mean I know who his type is,” Eddie refuted. 

“You never talk about what type of girl you like amongst your friends?” Shannon curiously asked. 

“That’s not something guys do,” Eddie gritted out. “We don’t sit around talking about each other’s type in girls.”

“You’re being weird,” Shannon said, narrowing her eyes at him. 

Eddie stood up and dusted off his gym shorts. He held out his hand for Shannon’s trash.  “I’ve gotta go. Looks like they’re done with Samuel’s car and I don’t want him just sitting there.”

“Eddie,” Shannon hesitantly said as she handed him her sandwich paper. 

“Thanks for the cupcake. I really enjoyed it. I’ll see you at school.”

“See you at school,” Shannon calmly echoed. 

Before heading to Samuel’s car, he made sure it was okay with his coach for him to leave. After getting the okay to leave early, he headed to the parking lot. He saw Samuel’s car parked and walked toward the blue Chevrolet. He stopped a few feet away, when he realized that there was another person in the car. 

Steeling himself for what he knew was to come, he opened the door to the back of the car. He got inside, eyes catching Samuel’s in the rearview mirror. Samuel quickly cut his eyes away from him. 

“Eddie, hello! It’s good to see you again,” Esmeralda cheerfully greeted. 

“Hi,” Eddie murmured back as he put on his seatbelt. 

Eddie tried not to pout like a petulant child. Unfortunately, he was finding it difficult in the face of whatever romantic display Esmeralda and Samuel were doing in front of him. Esmeralda sang off tune to whatever song was being played. Samuel looked at her adoringly, reaching over to grab her hand as a microphone. 

Eddie wanted to open the door and throw himself out on the street. He wondered how far and how fast he would roll down. 

He couldn’t help, but to breathe out a sigh of relief when Samuel pulled into his driveway. It felt like that car ride was hours long. 

“Hey, Eddie. Can you hand me my dress, please?”

Eddie handed her the dress that was wrapped in plastic. 

"Thank you. It was nice seeing you again Eddie,” Esmeralda grinned as she grabbed her dress from Eddie. 

“You too,” Eddie replied with not a single inch of honesty. 

“I’ll see you inside,” Esmeralda said, kissing Samuel on the cheek. 

“I’ll be in there shortly.”

Esmeralda got out of the car and headed inside the Williamson home. 

Eddie didn’t even know why he stayed in the car for that long. He should’ve gotten out of the car and walked to his house as soon as Samuel parked. In fact, he was about to do that until Samuel reached back and stopped him. 

“Hold on for a second, Eddie.”

“What?” Eddie snapped. 

Samuel pulled his hand back. “What’s with the attitude?”

“What attitude?”

“That attitude."

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Samuel scrunched his nose at him, frown lines deepening on his forehead. “So Shannon?”

“What about her?”

“You two looked cozy, sitting on the curb next to each other? Something going on there?”

“No, we’re just friends. You know this.”

“You’ve seemed to grow closer ever since I left. I remember her throwing you heart eyes, when we were in school.”

“She’s not throwing heart eyes. Shannon is a really nice person. That’s all. It’s nice to have a friend. Do you want me to be friendless? That doesn’t seem like a viable option for someone in high school,” Eddie snarkily said. 

“That’s not what I meant. I’m glad you’re friends. I think you should ask her out. She’s pretty enough.”

That was a quick escalation. Eddie wasn’t sure “pretty enough” was a compliment any girl would want to hear as it relates to herself. 

“I’m not interested in her like that.”

“You’d look good together,” Samuel continued to push. 

“I don’t want to date anyone. My main focus is to finish this semester strong and finish some college applications,” Eddie replied. 

“Everyone deserves to have fun. It’s a good cure to senioritis,” Samuel lightly teased. “Come on, Eddie. Don’t be boring. Have some fun, while you’re still young.”

“I don’t need the type of fun you’re mentioning,” Eddie stated, hands already on the door handle and ready to leave. 

“Eddie, let’s be adults about this.”

“I am. Are you? You just keep talking around what you want to say.”

“I told you what I wanted to say. You’re choosing not to listen. Shannon is a pretty girl. You’d look good together. Isn’t the Spring Formal coming up? You should ask her to go with you as your date. Then you two could go to prom together,” Samuel planned without a care to how Eddie was feeling. 

“I don’t want to be with Shannon. I don’t like her like that,” Eddie said, feeling that prickly sensation rise in his chest. “I don’t like her like I like you.”

Eddie hesitantly looked at Samuel, who was now staring at him sadly. 

“Eddie,” Samuel sighed like he was talking to a pitiful child, who couldn’t grasp what was being said. “How will you know, if you never try?”

“Is that what you’re doing with Esmeralda? Trying?” Eddie bit back. 

“Eddie,” Samuel firmly called his name. 

“Does Esmeralda know that? Does she know, what you’re doing with her is just you trying? I don’t want to try.”

“Eddie, you’ll like it. I promise you.”

“I won’t. I don’t need to try to figure that out. Why are you so adamant about this? I thought…I thought we…” Eddie clenched his jaw. “I know you were gone for a while, but in the letters you made it seem like I was the only one. Were you writing her letters too? Were you trying with her, while stringing me along?”

“Stringing you along? Eddie, stop putting words in my mouth.”

“I have to because you’re not saying enough. Why do you want me to be with Shannon? I already told you multiple times I don’t like her that way.”

“Because Eddie, I’m trying and if I can do it, surely you can too. Look around us, Eddie. Do you think any of what we’re doing is sustainable? We’re about to be adults. We have to start making adult decisions. Shannon is a nice girl to start off liking. She doesn’t have to be special to be your first.”

Eddie bit his tongue ‘til it bled. His words hurt worse than that. 

“I don’t want to treat Shannon like that. She doesn’t deserve to be played around with,” Eddie strongly disagreed. "Shannon is really nice. She's a good friend."  

“Then take her on a date and try. Can’t you see how much she likes you? You can't tell me you didn't notice her looking at you, ever since Dalton threw that party. Her eyes followed you everywhere you went."

"Shannon wasn't paying attention to me. She was talking to her friends," Eddie informed him. 

Samuel rolled his eyes. "Then why did she pull you aside to talk alone?"

"She pulled me aside because she wanted to know if I had gotten the books on our reading list for class. That's all," Eddie said. 

"Sure, that's a valid reason to leave your group of friends, to go hang out alone on a dock and talk for all hours of the night. That makes perfect sense. Eddie, that was prime make-out territory, right there. Perfect lake setting. The high of teenage freedom, completely at your fingertips."

"Were you watching us that whole time?"

Eddie had wondered where Samuel had headed out to that night of the lake party. Samuel had been the one to insist that Eddie come along with him to Dalton's back-to- school bash, that he was having at his lake house. He hadn't wanted to go. Parties were never his thing. But Samuel said it only made sense that they go. After all, most of the athletes and other cool kids would be there. Samuel said this would be his perfect introduction to high school culture. 

Eddie, only a freshman at the time, was amongst the youngest at the party. He had stayed close behind Samuel, thinking that he would stick by him the entire night. Unfortunately, Samuel slipped away from him and Eddie hadn't been able to find him. Eddie was left alone in a crowd with people he didn't know. 

He talked to Shannon that night because she was the only other person he knew at the party. He knew Shannon because they had been in the same orientation group. He had never spoken to her in length until that day. And that conversation on the dock wasn't anything special. He didn't know why Samuel was bringing that up. 

"I wasn't watching you the entire time. I looked back and saw you weren't following me. Searched the entire house. Then I saw you talking to her and I thought I'd give you some space," Samuel kindly explained, though something like jealousy inflicted his words. "Shannon's cute. She likes you trust me on this. I wouldn't steer you wrong. She's been wanting you for ages. Give the girl a good time once for her sake and yours.”

“A good time?”

“Come on, Eddie. I don’t have to spoon feed things to you, do I? I know you’re smarter than that.”

Eddie’s throat began closing up and his vision grew hazy. He had to get out of this car, before he ruined all the hard work Jacobi and Kenneth did. 

“I don’t feel good. I’m going home. Thanks for the ride,” Eddie replied under his breath. 

“Eddie! Wait, Eddie,” Samuel said, getting out of his car and running down the lawn to chase after Eddie. “Hold on.”

Eddie wasn’t going to look back. He looked up to see his dad, standing on the front porch. Eddie held his head low as he walked over to where his dad was standing. He wanted to hurry and go inside, but he was stopped by his dad’s firm hold on his shoulder. 

“Eddie,” his dad said. “I thought your mom and I were picking you up from the car wash.”

Of course Samuel lied about that. He should’ve known his parents wouldn’t have asked Samuel to pick him up. 

“Hi, Mr. Diaz,” Samuel greeted, stopping just short of the steps leading to their front porch. 

His dad looked at Samuel and then at Eddie. “Hi, Samuel. It’s good to see you’re doing well. How’s the army been treating you?”

“It’s been good, sir.”

“That’s good to hear. What brings you over on our side?” his dad questioned. 

Samuel opened his mouth in a way of explanation, but Eddie cut him short. 

“Samuel was just dropping me off dad.” Then turning back to Samuel he said, “Hope you enjoy the rest of your leave.”

He left the two standing out there, uncaring for what either had to say to him. And when Samuel came by later that night, he did his best to ignore him. After all, didn’t Samuel want him to try?  Look at him, he’d be so good at trying. 

“You said you were with Esmeralda…when you were with me. Here I was thinking that the person, whom I cared so deeply for cared about me too in equal measure. But I was wrong. Because you told me everything I felt wasn’t right. ”

Eddie paused shakily. 

“Because you loved me, I know you did,” Eddie rasped. 

Samuel’s chest rose and fell at the accusation. Tears made their way down to the collar of his shirt. 

“And then you said I was the one to ruin you, like you weren’t the one who kissed me first,” sharp piercing laughter cut at his throat. Eddie threw his head back laughing mechanically, wheezing at the pressure in his lungs. 

Samuel was still hiding more from him and it was pissing him off. He wanted to press harder to force the restrained words to come out. 

“I loved you and you made me rethink everything I was feeling. I had to pick apart what we did and film it through a lens of wrongness. Because it wasn’t supposed to hurt this much. Not between us. I thought at the very least, we’d remain friends,” Eddie said, holding back tears. 

“We are friends, Eddie,” Samuel rushed to say. 

“Friends don’t lose contact for more than ten years!” Eddie screamed, not caring if the people on the other side of the wall could hear him. 

“I’m sorry. I’m ready now. I promise. That’s why I’m here. I want to try. Please, let me try. I won’t leave again. We can try being friends, right?”

“Friends? You want to be friends? You still won’t talk about what happened! You just want to move on without talking about why I’m mad in the first place.”

“It isn’t about Shannon? Isn't that what this is all about?” Samuel asked, completely perplexed with what Eddie was saying. 

Eddie shook his head. “No.”

“Then tell me. Tell me why you’re mad.”

“Why don’t you remember?” Eddie asked. 

Samuel crawled closer to him. “Remember what? Help me understand. I’m begging you. I really don’t know what you’re talking about. I can’t remember.”

“Yes, you do. I knew you for years, Samuel. I know when you’re lying. You wouldn’t have stayed away as long as you did, if you hadn’t remembered,” Eddie attested. "You remember. I know you do."

“Remember what? Tell me!” Samuel screamed. "I'm right here wanting to talk, but you have to tell me what is you're talking about. We've talked about everything else? So what am I missing?"

That's when he realized that Samuel didn't Eddie would actually say what it was that he wanted Samuel to remember. He was betting on him not saying anything. Eddie could see it in his eyes, how his pleas were demanding that he not give voice to what happened. 

Eddie would not do him that kind service. 

“You broke my heart,” Eddie yelled, standing up and away from the hotel bed. “In that hospital room. You tore me to shreds and you didn’t stop, even when there was nothing left to rip into.”

Samuel gasped, clarity sinking into his expression. “I’m sorry. I didn't think...I didn't. It was so long ago. Eddie, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I said. I didn’t mean it. You didn’t ruin me. You didn't make everything worse. That was all on me. I did it to myself. You didn't hurt me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You could've never ruined me.”

He apologized. The words sank into his skin and sought passage into his bloodstream to flow into his heart. They were affecting him like poison. He wanted to draw the apologies out of his body.

“I’ll get on my knees and beg. Eddie I didn’t mean it. I…I never wanted you to carry those words with you. How long did you carry them?” Samuel cried. "How long, Eddie?"

He looked away, wanting to weep at how Samuel wanted him to be the one to reveal everything. Why was he baring his soul? Why did he have to peel back every inch of himself to get some form of recognition from Samuel?

It hurt so damn bad. 

That’s why he ran away and continued running. 

He ran away from his parents. 

He ran away from Samuel.

He tried to outrun his own fears and failures. 

He wanted to outrun all the things that hurt him. 

But he couldn’t.

He couldn't outrun the pain.

It ached and there was no balm to heal the wound. 

Samuel fell to his knees in front of Eddie, hands wrapping in the material of his shirt. He didn’t want to look at him. He couldn’t stand to see the morose facial expression. He had been holding himself together, since that day in the hospital. 

But he was tired. 

He was so tired of watching the cracks in his walls.

He was tired of repairing them. 

He hated how a new crack would appear, this time wider and deeper. 

Samuel kneeled before him like an offering no one would accept. 

He wanted to both absolve and condemn his transgressions. 

“Eddie,” Samuel begged. “Eddie, please.”

“Stop it Samuel.”

He was being ripped apart from the outside in. 

He didn’t want to shatter any further. 

“How long did you carry those words I said to you. How long did you let those words take up residence in your heart,” Samuel pleaded with him to answer. 

“Let it go, Samuel,” Eddie warned, not wanting to hear anymore. He pushed at Samuel's hands that were still on the hem of his shirt. Is this what he had wanted? Had he wanted Samuel to kneel before himself, appealing to Eddie's sympathetic heart.  Did he feel better having Samuel's apologies falling off of his lips in a steady stream of words?

Why did he still feel wrong?

Why didn't Samuel's regret feel honest? 

“You wanted to talk. I’m ready. Let’s talk. Don’t you want to open up. Come on. How long have you carried those words?” Samuel baited, rising from his kneeled position. 

He stood slightly taller than him. Tears dropped onto Eddie's forehead. He furiously wiped them away. 

“How long did you carry those words?”

He didn’t want to break. 

He was an impenetrable force made of stone. 

"How long?" Samuel repeated. 

But sometimes if the stone was pushed hard enough to the ground — it shattered. 

He shattered. 

"You want to know how long I have carried those words you said to me...sorry correction...the words you yelled at me?" Eddie assessed. "You really want to know how long?"

Samuel hesitantly nodded, "I need to know how long you carried those words with you."

“Every single word you spat at me, I never forgot. How could I? You screamed them at my face. You wrote it in a letter. Didn't think I got that one, huh? I did. Threw it in the trash, the moment I read the first paragraph. Knew enough to realize the rest of it would follow the same tangent. Your dad even came by and pulled me outside of my house, talking about how I corrupted his son. And when my dad caught on to how different our friendship was…you want to know what he did? Huh, you want to know?”

Eddie paced around the room, words growing with fevered anger. 

“He didn’t even say a word,” Eddie harshly whispered through his teeth. “Would it have even mattered? You said enough for him.”

Samuel reached out for him. “Eddie.”

Eddie walked closer to the window, furthest away from where Samuel stood. “You were jealous of my dad’s pride? My dad’s pride came in the form of telling my parents that Shannon was pregnant. When I enlisted he was even prouder. He was so fucking proud. He said at least if I died in the army, I would die a hero. I would die a hero’s death with grace. He’d be prouder having a dead son than…my dad never expected me to make it out there alive.” 

Samuel wet his lips, “Eddie…”

“So how long? How long did I carry those words? You want to know?” Eddie screamed, sobbing. “You want to know how long I carried those words?”

“Yes, I want to know,” Samuel said, taking four easy strides to stand in front of Eddie. 

Eddie’s back hit the curtains drawn tight over the expansive window. He pushed at Samuel’s shoulders. 

“I still carry them,” he exhaled, breath catching on gasps.  “Damnit, I carry every fucking word you ever said.”

“I didn’t mean…” Samuel started. 

Eddie silenced him with a stare. “Every single word you deigned yourself to speak, I put pen to my skin and wrote them down. I wrote what you said to me in the green journal you bought for me. I repeated it to myself, before I went to bed every night. I made those words into some sick form of praise and supplication.” 

Eddie spun away from Samuel, separating and now they were standing away from each other. He looked back to where Samuel had his back to the window. 

“You want to know how long I have carried those words?” Eddie questioned. “There aren’t enough lifetimes to begin to quantify how long those words have been tainting my mind, my body, and the deepest corners of my soul.”

Eddie’s mouth trembled as salty tears fell to his lips. 

“And you chose not to remember, until today? I’ve been carrying this weight…this unforgivable weight my whole life. You spoke all those words into someone so young and impressionable. How could I ever think you were wrong? I thought you were right. I believed you were right and fought against every instinct that challenged what you said.”

“Eddie, of course I remember. I remember it all," Samuel finally confessed. "How could I have ever forgotten? I had only hoped that...I had hoped somehow you had forgotten. I prayed that those memories would fade from your mind, that you would take them as the ramblings from someone unwell."

Eddie broke apart, sobbing. Hot tears fell to the floor as his knees buckled. “That makes it so much worse. Fuck, Samuel. You remembered and you never cared to ask for forgiveness? You never wanted to take back what you said?”

“I did. I did so many times. But I couldn't admit what I said. I couldn't get myself to believe I said those things. It was easier to pretend I was never the person that said that stuff.” Samuel wept, moving over to Eddie. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

"Yet you made it a point to mention it in your speech?" Eddie barked out laughing at the audacity. 

Samuel drew back, having been caught in his lie. "I'm sorry. Eddie, I will forever be sorry. I'm sorry I never took accountability. I'm sorry I used that story in my speech. I'm sorry for everything."

“That isn’t enough,” Eddie cried, curling his arms over his chest. “Somehow that still isn’t enough.”

The two could only hear the sound of their harsh and wet breathing. Neither of them could say anything, too emotionally charged to begin to unpack what had been said and everything that hadn’t. 

Then Eddie had the doorknob turn and the familiar sound of a woman’s voice. Eddie stood up, pulling himself up by the desk chair. He reached back to slump against the desk. 

“Sammy? My mom said you weren’t feeling good, that’s why you couldn’t come to dinner. Just wanted to check on-”

Esmeralda came in and Eddie’s eyes immediately went to her stomach, which was rounded out from pregnancy. This couldn’t be his life. 

“Eddie…” Esmeralda voiced, eyes looking at Samuel who was still crying on the floor and then at Eddie. The pieces slowly built itself together in front of her, to leave an incriminating image. By then the two were no longer near each other, both on opposite ends of the room. 

But Eddie knew Esmeralda was a smart woman. She could see the tear tracks on both of their faces, before she sighed. 

“Oh, oh,” Eddie said looking between the two of them, poison swirling its way on his tongue. “She’s pregnant. Isn’t that great? No, seriously. Congratulations, Esmeralda. This your first kid?”

And Eddie didn’t even know what he was saying, or how Esmeralda was making sense of it all. 

She nodded, “Yeah, this is my first kid. Did you two need more time to talk?”

“No, we already said what needed to be said,” Eddie tensed as he looked back to Samuel. “Hope you have a healthy baby. I…I need to go. I can't be here. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Eddie, wait. Wait, please. It’s not what it looks like…I swear.”

Samuel shouted after him, coming to Eddie and grabbing his shoulder. For the first time since seeing the glint of a silver necklace, he was curious to what the rest looked like. He reached up and pressed his hand against Samuel’s chest feeling the smooth roundness of a ring. He looked at Esmeralda and saw she had hers still on. 

“Get your hands off of me,” Eddie lowly demanded, searching for his shoes. 

“Eddie, let me explain. You’re jumping to conclusions,” Samuel quickly spoke. 

“You promised,” Eddie said, bleary blinking back tears. “You promised to never hurt me. You promised. You can't stop it, can you? It's like you were put on this earth to see how much pain I could endure. Answer me this Samuel. Do you think I'll recover from this too?"

Ashamedly, he turned his green eyes down to the floor. He didn't have the courage to look at him. Eddie had given up on seeking anything more than disappointment from him. 

He turned back to Esmeralda, apologizing for what she had walked in on. “I’m sorry Esmeralda. I’m so sorry.”

“Eddie,” Esmeralda started, eyes turning down in sympathy. 

The two of them were victims of a man who could never decide what he wanted. 

Eddie turned back to face Samuel. 

He wiped away the tears on his face and calmly said, “I thought all my messed up feelings in regard to relationships were due to unresolved grief from Shannon’s death. But I was wrong. It was because of you. It was only ever you."

Eddie slammed the door behind him, feeling his hands shake from the adrenaline he needed for that conversation. The elevator was taking too long to come up, so Eddie ran down the stairs. He couldn’t stand another second in that hotel. 

He heard Samuel chasing after him. “Eddie, wait! Please, it’s not what it looks like. Esmeralda and I are not together. We never got married. She’s been happily married to her husband Kevin, for six years. We’re good friends. That is all we are to each other. She’s only here for a family thing, not for whatever you think is happening. And this necklace looks like isn't a ring. It’s just a pendant. See, look!"

Eddie continued walking. 

“I came out years ago to my family, Eddie. There’s nothing to hide. I promise you, I would never try something like that. That’s not me.”

All of that sounded like he was bragging. He hated it. Eddie spun back to him, nearly causing Samuel to knock them both down to the concrete floor. 

“Congratulations, Samuel. I’m so glad you came out to your family. I’m honestly happy you don’t have to hide away in the corner of shame you made to fit two people. Very proud of you for doing the work to heal and move on,” he sarcastically threw back, clapping his hands together in mock enthusiasm. 

He turned away to walk to his car. 

But then he stopped. 

“Did you come here to see what it looked like on the other side of all your trying? You wanted to see someone who failed and is still failing, huh? You get some sick pleasure in this?” 

“Eddie, of course I don’t. Can you come back inside? I think there's a lot of stuff we still need to talk about,” Samuel said, pulling on Eddie’s wrist. 

“Let go of me,” Eddie seethed. 

“Eddie.”

“I said let go! Damn it can’t you see I can’t bear to stand the sight of you right now. I don’t want your hands on me. Back the fuck away, before I start screaming." 

Samuel’s fingers dropped from Eddie’s wrist. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’d mean something, if I thought you fucking knew what you were actually apologizing for.”

This time Eddie didn’t want to look back at him. He heard enough. But there was one more thing, during that time at the hospital, that Eddie wanted clarity on. He stepped a few feet away from Samuel. 

“Actually, I want to know something. I need you to tell me the truth. Don’t skirt around the answer," Eddie warned. 

“Eddie.”

“You owe me this,” Eddie stated. 

Samuel dropped his shoulders down. “Okay.”

“I know you remember everything you said in that hospital room. So tell me. Tell me the bad thing that my dad said. What did he tell you? Hmm, what did he tell you?” Eddie inquired, fearing the answer. 

“Eddie.”

“No, you owe me,” Eddie repeated. 

Samuel turned to face the streetlights. Dark shadows passed over his face. 

“What did he tell you?”

“He told me,” Samuel blinked back tears and pressed his thumb against his lip as it quivered with suppressed cries. He sighed and brought his hand down, trying to gather enough strength to repeat the words Eddie’s dad told him in confidence. “He told me he wished that he had waited one more minute before diving in.”

Eddie felt like a tiny part of him died right there, hearing the words from the paramedic telling his dad, “If he had stayed under there for one more minute…”

A broken cry came from his lips and he had to lean against the lamp post, so he wouldn’t fall to the ground. People moved around him, staring at his abject figure. His hands rubbed at his chest to stop the pain. 

He shakily stood up and grabbed his keys from his pocket. He wouldn’t break down here. 

“Thank you. Thank you for finally telling me,” Eddie despondently said, beginning to make his way to his car. 

“Eddie, I don’t think you should be driving like this.”

“Back up. I don’t need you,” Eddie threatened, holding out the edge of his car keys toward Samuel's chest. 

“Eddie, come on cowboy. Don't leave like this,” Samuel pleaded. 

“Samuel, I said back the fuck up. I don’t need your help. I don’t want your hands on me. I don’t want these memories of us in my head. I don't want to hear you call me cowboy. I don’t want to hear your voice. I don’t want you following me. I wish I never even met you. So get out of my way and let me go to my car,” Eddie seethed, clenching his car keys so hard against the palm of his hand that they were beginning to leave an imprint. 

“Eddie,” he disobeyed, putting his hands back on Eddie’s wrist. 

Eddie opened his mouth and prepared to scream, until Samuel let him go. 

“I told you I’d start screaming,” Eddie scathingly bit out. 

Samuel finally left him alone as Eddie walked to his car. For a moment, he debated walking back home. He got into the car and his fingers couldn’t stop shaking. He placed them on the wheel, hoping his mind would turn on its auto-pilot. He sighed as his hands stopped shaking, relaxing with the familiar weight of the wheel. 

He pulled out the hotel’s parking lot and began driving. Eddie didn’t know how he made it in one piece to Buck’s loft. He didn’t even remember this getting on the highway or taking the exit that led to his place. It was late at night. He should’ve gone home. He had plans to go home. 

But there he was, standing outside of Buck’s door and turning the key in the door knob. His eyes settled on the darkness of the room. There was a mystifying aura throughout the space. The moon created a hazy glow inside the loft. 

Eddie should have left. He told himself to leave. Unfortunately, his feet wouldn’t move. His body felt stuck, pressure beating against his chest. Languidly, he blinked his eyes. The Jell-O method wasn’t working. He was well and properly frozen. He could only hope that he could move, before Buck came into his vicinity. 

He bit his tongue, thinking the pain would draw him back into focus. 

The only thing it did was make a metallic taste slither against his tongue. He could feel his phone ringing. He should cut it off. Buck would hear it. He should put his phone on silent. He knew who was calling. He didn’t want to answer. His phone vibrated, either because a voicemail had been left or a text had been sent. He didn’t deign to care for either forms of communication. He had gotten distracted and hadn't put his phone on DND for the night. He hurried to switch his phone to DND. If he called again, at least he wouldn't hear that insistent ringing. 

He just wanted his body to snap back into place. He allowed himself a few more minutes of standing there, before he felt warmth spread back into his body. 

His foot moved guided him into Buck’s pantry. It was safe there. He closed the door. If Buck didn’t see him or notice he was there, he wouldn’t ask him to leave. He could stay there for a little bit. He just wanted to be in the same place that Buck was in. 

He cut on the pantry light and saw that Buck had gone grocery shopping. Before he knew it, he was organizing all of his shelves. He was separating the different pasta by shapes. Buck had finally gotten the clear plastic food containers that Eddie had been asking him to buy. Eddie wished he had his food label stickers. He had bought some on a random whim, sometime shortly after Christopher left. 

While he was organizing everything, he tried to get his body not to fall into the trap of crying. His tears had long since dried, on the drive over. But now they were threatening to unleash with an even greater force than last time. 

He placed one of the cereal boxes on the top shelf and accidentally pushed it into one of the granola boxes, causing it to fall down to the floor. Eddie became still and held his breath. Hopefully, Buck didn’t hear that. 

He continued organizing to the point he was doing it all in a daze. He became so out of touch with what he was mechanically doing, that he didn’t hear the pantry door open. He turned around to grab the plastic plates and was startled upon seeing Buck. 

Buck first looked to all the food Eddie had pushed on one side of the pantry shelf that had not been organized yet. Then he turned his eyes to Eddie, stepping forward as he saw the drying tear tracks and his red eyes. 

Eddie turned away from him, wiping angrily at his face. His face always gave him away. Whatever, who cared? He needed to find a spot to put Buck’s trail mix. Should it be sorted by the granola bars or the almonds? 

“Eddie…Eddie what’s wrong?” Buck questioned, coming into his eyesight.

“Your pantry needed organizing,” Eddie explained as if that answered Buck's question. 

Buck squinted at him. “You decided to do this at twelve tonight?"

"I didn't know it was that late," Eddie mumbled under his breath, eyes critically scanning what else he should move. 

"Eddie, hey. Put the trail mix down, you can organize all of this tomorrow. I’ll let you organize my pantry to your heart’s fullest desires. Come on,” Buck offered. 

Eddie couldn’t leave this small sanctuary. It was safe here. It was like the box he had in his mind. He shook his head, turning back to place the trail mix near the almonds. That made the most sense. Maybe he would change it later. 

“Eddie?”

He continued to hear Buck call out his name. Why couldn’t Buck understand he was busy right now? He wondered if he should organize Buck’s refrigerator too. But that would require leaving this spot. He wasn’t going to do that. 

“Eddie, come here. Can you look at me? One second, please. Just need you to look at me for a second,” Buck delicately eased. 

Eddie shook his head. “I can’t.”

Buck stepped in front of him and leant down to be more in Eddie’s line of sight. Eddie turned his head sideways. 

“Please, for me. It’s going to be alright. I promise. But I need you to look at me, Eddie. So I know you’re alright,” Buck serenely implored. 

He pressed his hand against Eddie’s hip. The strings holding Eddie’s body together snapped. His body moved into the touch. The only reason he didn’t fall to the floor was because of Buck’s stronghold. He looked up at Buck, praying he wouldn’t let him fall onto this floor or into the dark abyss that had been seeking to put its claim on him, since the day he was born. 

Buck frowned, mouth turning downward. He wondered what was the cause of Buck’s anger. 

“Hold on. Let’s move to the couch. Let’s get you seated there,” Buck said, guiding Eddie by his hand on his lower back. 

Eddie had enough awareness to see Buck bringing out blankets on the couch that had been in the small woven basket Buck had bought to hold his steadily increasing collection of blankets. 

Buck sat him down on the couch, kneeling between the hollowed out space of his legs. Buck settled his arms on either side of his body and Eddie wanted to hide himself there. If he made himself smaller, he could do it. He could disappear. 

“I needed something in your pantry,” Eddie lied. “And then I couldn’t stop organizing. You probably have a system and I messed it up.”

“You needed something in my pantry that couldn't wait for the morning?”

He then looked to Buck fully for the first time, seeing Buck had his shirt on backwards. He must’ve rushed downstairs thinking someone was robbing his house. 

“Sorry, I didn’t call before I headed over here,” Eddie apologized. 

Buck ducked his head, so he could look into Eddie’s eyes. “Hey, no. Eddie, it's fine. I gave you a key for a reason.”

“It’s so quiet in my house and I couldn’t go back there. The only sound would be my thoughts and they’re too loud right now. I really should've called beforehand. It’s late. I should go,” Eddie told him, preparing to stand up and leave. “I’m sorry about your pantry. I didn’t finish it. So it’ll be incomplete.”

“Eddie, sit back down. It’s okay. I’m more worried about you than my pantry. You want to tell me what’s wrong? I’m guessing something happened, when you went to Samuel’s,” Buck inquired. 

Eddie sat back back down and began speaking. 

“I met up with Samuel. And I shouldn’t have gone. It was awful. Buck, it was so... I don’t know what happened. Everything just escalated. You were right. I shouldn’t have gone,” Eddie hoarsely stated, feeling his body start to shiver. 

“Eddie, come on you have to calm down,” Buck pleaded, reaching out to grab ahold of his arms. 

“It was so bad. Buck, it was really bad. I got so angry. I’ve never gotten angry at him before. But I couldn’t stop. And he just took it all in and that made me even angrier. He kept pushing and I tried to remain calm. I told him to stop, but then I just couldn’t take it anymore. Then he told me he remembered everything and it made things worse. Frank lied. It was supposed to make it better,” Eddie whispered. 

He looked at Buck, hoping he would know. 

“Why didn’t it make things better?” Eddie questioned, pulling his arms from out of Buck’s comforting hold. He rubbed at his chest, hoping the burning would go away. 

“I don’t know, Eddie. I wish it made things easier for you. I wish this night hadn’t gone down like this. If I could go back in time, I’d take back everything I said at the station. I never wanted to see you come home looking like this. Gosh, baby what’d he say to you for you to come home looking like this?” Buck spoke in a soft tone, afraid that if he raised his voice it would spook Eddie into leaving. 

Eddie’s eyes shot to Buck’s face, as soon as his ears caught  the endearment. He must’ve misspoke. Buck wouldn’t say something like that to him. 

“I shouldn’t be here. You probably wanted to come home and relax, after our shift. I’m screwing things up again, aren’t I?” Eddie humorously laughed. 

“Eddie, no. You’re doing good. I’m glad you came here. You’re not screwing up anything.”

“You shouldn’t be…” Eddie murmured.

“I shouldn’t be what?”

“Nothing. I’ll just go.”

“Eddie, stop trying to leave because you think I want you gone,” Buck firmly told him, placing his hands on Eddie’s thigh so he couldn’t stand. “Do you want to leave? Because if you want to go, I will drive you back home myself. But I don’t trust you to drive in this condition. Now if you’re only going because you think I want you to, then I’ll repeat myself. I want you here.”

Eddie stared at him for a few seconds and then grasped that Buck wasn't lying to him. Buck never lied. “Okay, yeah. I’d like to stay here tonight.”

Buck smiled. “Good.” Then he solemnly looked at Eddie, asking, “You want to continue telling me what happened?”

Eddie shrugged, head falling to the side. Suddenly, he didn’t even know why he was here. Why he chose to come here. 

“I’m so tired, Buck,” Eddie rasped, eyes dejectedly picking at the sleeves of Buck’s shirt. “I’m tired of trying.”

Buck saw the way Eddie’s thin shirt did little to help his shivering. He guided Eddie up, gently holding their hands together. 

“Let’s get you to bed then. Get you nice and warm.”

Buck led him upstairs to his room. Eddie followed closely behind, fingers still holding onto Buck's hand. 

Once again Buck was handing him his favorite comfort shirt. But this time he couldn’t pass off the laundry excuse, because Eddie saw his laundry basket was empty. But the shirt still smelled faintly of Eddie’s cologne, like Buck hadn’t washed it yet. 

Eddie climbed into bed, his body doing a little shimmy as he fit his body into the sheets. Buck followed him into the bed, after finishing his night routine. Eddie could still smell the hint of mint on his breath from how close Buck was. But Eddie wanted him closer. He didn’t think he had the right to ask that of him. 

Buck cut off the lamp and it covered the room in darkness, only lit by the lights from outside. Minutes passed with just the sound of them breathing. 

“I’m the worst dad ever,” he whispered, thinking Buck had fallen asleep. 

Buck was indeed not asleep, choosing to turn over and face Eddie. He had an incredulous expression on his face like he couldn’t imagine Eddie would say such a thing about himself. 

“You’re a good dad, Eddie.”

“Buck…”

“Where’s this coming from? Did Samuel say anything?”

“No, I’m just wondering if me being a bad person is the reason I’m such a bad dad.”

“Listen to me. You’re a good dad. You know, when I was traveling the world trying to find myself, I wrote cards to my parents. They weren’t as frequent as the ones I sent Maddie, but there were a handful of them. I didn’t know if I ever wanted to come home, but sometimes I wished my parents would at least acknowledge that I had left. I wanted them to ask, when I was coming home. I wanted them to tell me they were waiting for me to come home. They never did.”

Eddie remained silent, intent to let Buck speak without interruption. Somehow he knew Buck needed to release these thoughts as much as Buck thought Eddie needed to hear them. 

“I didn’t have any family to depend on. My parents were only children. So no aunts, uncles, or cousins for me. All I had were my parents and Maddie. Unfortunately, Maddie was still suffering on her own. Didn’t hear from her for three years. I was alone. And then I thought maybe there’s some lonely kids who grew up to become even lonelier adults, who would forever be lonely.”

“Buck,” Eddie softly murmured, reaching out his hand to hold Buck’s.

Buck took to affection like a flower took to the sun. But it was still met with a little bit of restraint like he wasn’t sure if Eddie would draw back. Instead, Eddie interlaced their fingers. He needed Buck to know he was present with him at this moment. Buck would never feel alone as long as Eddie could help it. 

“Then everything blew up with the whole Daniel reveal. All of a sudden, I had a reason for the feelings of ostracization and loneliness. It wasn’t because I was made for it. They had created it for me. They put me in a bubble to feel alone.”

Eddie looked up in time to see Buck blink rapidly, dispelling any tears. 

“It was only when I met everyone at the 118 that I realized I wasn’t alone anymore. Then you introduced Christopher into my life, making my circle wider. Maddie came back to me. I found a father figure in Bobby and a stricter…but loving mother figure in Athena. I had a family. But during the lawsuit era...”

Eddie winced, remembering how disastrous that time had been for everyone. Emotions had been running high and communication had been poor on everyone’s ends. But like healthy families do, they spoke to one another. They healed any past hurt and learned from that experience. 

Buck bumped his shoulder, knowing where his thoughts had gone. “In that time, I felt like maybe being alone was what I deserved. You know I made a phone call to my parents, when I was going through all the blood thinners and lawsuits. Want to know what they said?”

“I have a fear, I’m not going to like it.”

Buck scoffed, the sound echoing sharp and bitter in the room. “They said I’d be fine. They never checked up on me. Up until then, they had been my emergency contacts. I know they had been alerted to my condition. Then I thought wow…my parents don’t care about me enough to ask if I wanted to come back home to recover. Or hey…let’s offer our son some advice on how not to sue the whole department. They didn’t offer to fly down and stay with me, until I could get back on my feet.”

“That’s cruel,” Eddie angrily said. He wanted to book the earliest flight to Hershey, Pennsylvania and rip the Buckley parents apart to shreds. 

“I mean what was I expecting? They didn’t even keep tabs on Maddie, when she went no contact. I started thinking you know I don’t have the 118 anymore and I don’t have my parents. I was meant to be alone. After all, spare parts are supposed to be thrown away eventually. You don’t keep scrap.”

“Hey, you are nobody’s spare parts. You are a fully whole person, deserving of far greater things than your parents could ever imagine in their limited brains,” Eddie exclaimed, turning to sit up in front of Buck. 

He placed his hands on either side of Buck’s face, noting the way he leaned into the touch. He swiped his thumb alongside the rose of Buck’s cheeks, which was growing a shade of pink to rival the color of his birthmark. 

“I know that now, but back then it was hard getting myself to believe it. And then my parents came home, after the coma. I thought maybe they would try again. Maybe my parents would be a part of this family I’ve grown to love and care for. Then the only thing my mom offered in the form of apologies was buying a rug,” Buck rasped. 

Eddie continued rubbing his thumb on Buck’s cheek, wanting to provide any source of comfort that he could. 

“Can you imagine that? She made plans to buy a rug for my loft, but didn’t say sorry for all the years they made me feel like I was less than the sum of parts of a child they didn’t want.” 

Buck started crying. Silver tears fell onto Eddie’s thumb. 

“Fuck, sorry. I didn’t want to cry. I’m meant to be talking about how you’re a great dad. I just…I forget how much this still hurts.”

“Buck, you don’t have to feel apologetic about your parents’ negligence still affecting you,” Eddie gently assured. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

He pulled Buck’s face to his chest, feeling Buck’s eyelashes flutter against his neck. Moisture trailed down, but Eddie wasn’t uncomfortable. Buck gave a few sniffles, before he pulled back. His eyes were reddening at the corners and some of his eyelashes had clumped together. 

Buck still looked beautiful. There wouldn’t ever be a moment he didn’t. Eddie patted at his cheeks, until they came back relatively dry. 

Buck cleared his throat and swayed into Eddie’s space. It was nearly impossible, given there wasn’t much more space between them. Should they grow closer, Eddie would nearly be an inch apart from being atop of Buck. 

“You want me to tell you how I know you’re a good dad?” Buck asked. 

Eddie continued to imploringly look at him, wondering what Buck would say. Had he seen something Eddie hadn’t managed to see? 

Buck smiled up at him. 

“Because you have never once in your life made Christopher feel alone. He knows that he has a home to return to - a home where he is loved. Do not give Samuel, your parents, or anyone else the power to distort how Christopher sees you. Christopher looks at you as if you have gathered the world before his feet and offered it up as his.”

Eddie’s own eyes became glassy with tears. 

“He’ll come back home. I promise you he will. As soon as he does we’ll take him out to wherever he wants to go. We’ll make a whole day trip out of it. Grandparents shouldn’t get all the fun days of the summer. Christopher is coming home,” Buck vowed. 

“Christopher is coming home,” Buck prompted Eddie to repeat back to him. 

It took him a few tries, mouth opening and closing around the words. Finally he said, “Christopher is coming home.”

For once, it didn’t feel like a lie he was telling to comfort himself.  

Again silence was shared between the two. The only sound reverberating in the room was the sound of their breaths falling in tandem with one another. Other times their exhalations and inhalations danced around each other, one beginning its movement to lead the other. 

Eddie felt grounded in this moment, in a way he hadn’t allowed himself to experience. Many thoughts caused his mind to have the disconsonant sound of glass breaking. Here though, with Buck, the raging loud thoughts became silent. 

His body had lost its firm grasp on reality, but Buck tethered him back to this world. A gravitational pull didn’t feel enough of a phenomenon to define this need to be closer to him. He decided there needed to be studies on how Buck always inspired everyone to fall in love with him and want to be as close as humanly possible. Eddie became unsteady whenever he tried to vocalize how life changing…no life defining his friendship with Buck evolved into. 

He wondered if Buck held the same questions. 

He wanted Buck to have the answers. 

Eventually, comfortable silence gave way to Buck’s ramblings, once he saw Eddie still couldn't manage to fall asleep. At some point, they had rearranged their bodies to where Eddie was leaning halfway over Buck's body. He pressed his ear against his chest, listening to Buck’s steady heartbeat. He closed his eyes, listening to Buck rattle of various facts. 

“Do you know the majority of ants are female?” Buck began, as he lightly scratched at the skin behind Eddie’s ear. 

“No, tell me about it,” Eddie replied. 

“Most ants that the average person sees are female ants. They are the ones doing the main grunt work in the colony.”

“Slay, that’s queen behavior,” Eddie laughed, biting back a smile. 

Buck laughed at Eddie repeating what the social media influencer had told them, as they had left that hot sauna. 

“Yes, it is queen behavior…real girl boss moment of the female worker ants. Male ants are called drones. I think it’s because of how monotonous they are. They don’t contribute much work to the colony.”

“Lazy bums,” Eddie joked. 

Buck laughed even harder, happy that Eddie was feeding into his rambling with active interjections. 

“They are lazy! Their main job is fertilizing the queen ant, so more ants can be born and increase the population of the colony. And it’s kind of funny that they help fertilize the queen, but male ants are actually unfertilized eggs.”

“That’s interesting. I never thought about that. I guess I just thought it was an even distribution between male and female ants.”

“I did too, but I saw this one video going over insects’ mating habits. I kind of went on a downward spiral.”

“How late did you stay up that time?” Eddie questioned, raising his eyes upward to Buck who was already staring down at him. 

“Not late at all.”

“Buck,” Eddie dragged out.

“Alright two in the morning. But to be fair, we had a late shift the next day.”

“But if the male ants are only fertilizing the queen ant…do the female ants never have a chance to have their own baby ants? That feels kind of sad,” Eddie said. 

Buck played with the curls at the back of his hair, reminiscent of the last time they had their movie night. Eddie melted into the touch. His nose pressed against Buck’s jawline. 

“Queens rule the colony. She’s the priority in terms of population growth. The other female ants raise the baby ants and some can even control whether or not they want the eggs to survive. It’s a cruel system sometimes.”

“Oh, I bet.”

Buck then proceeds to rattle off more insect mating habits. It had been nearly an hour before Buck quieted. 

“You want to talk about it now?”

Buck knew him well enough to know that more thoughts were plaguing his mind. 

“I don’t know if I can,” Eddie said, idly trailing his fingers along the collar of Buck’s shirt. 

“It’s alright, if you’re not ready.”

Eddie took one long breath, preparing himself to finally expose everything he had kept hidden. 

"No, I want to tell you."

Eddie began slowly telling him about Samuel. He did so without minding the order, in which he let the stories of their childhood and early adulthood fall apart. He told him about his relationship with his parents, the things Samuel had only ever witnessed and Frank had only heard about in their counseling sessions.

He told him about the letters and the green journal. He told him about blueberry and raspberry slushies. He told him about the times Samuel would come over late at night and convince him to sneak-out. 

He told him everything and Buck held him through it all. He never made Eddie feel like he was wrong in those situations. His hold would tighten every now and then, when Eddie would bring up a harsher story. It seemed that the conversation, shared in the darkness, was enough of a blanket to soothe the ache in his heart. 

He wondered if this was how Pepa felt as she was held together by Paco. 

He imagined somehow that this was better. 

Buck could see Eddie fighting sleep and gently swiped his thumb underneath his eyes. “Sleep, I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

“Promise?” Eddie sleepily asked, fingers growing lax on the spot above Buck’s heart. 

Buck reached out to interlace his fingers with Eddie's. He closed his eyes, bringing Eddie further into his embrace. Eddie moved easily at the repositioning. Buck's breath fanned over his head, as he answered Eddie’s request. 

“I promise.”

Chapter Text

Every night

Think of things I can’t do or haven’t done

And does it make me weak? 

Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe

Is that all you see in me?

Don’t you wait for something more

I’ll still be sinking to the floor

Oh, you can’t help me

Now I’m alone

Is it my doing? Is it my doing? Mmm

Outside, it’s getting colder

Why does it feel like I’m older than I asked to be?

But when you say my name

It all falls away so tenderly

Sinking, Clairo

Eddie didn’t want to go to his cousin’s thirteenth birthday party. He had only just recovered from a cold he had caught from Sophia. He was sick the whole week, leading up to the party. There was a part of him that wished he would have stayed sick for four more days. Then he wouldn’t have to be getting dressed to go to the pool party. 

The swimming trunks, his mom had just bought, laid on top of his bed. They were childish and he knew he would face teasing from his cousins. The swimming trunks were a bright neon green with prints of toy trucks scattered all over them. He asked his mom if she could take them back. To Eddie’s great disappointment, his mom said those were the only swimming trunks on the clearance rack. 

His mom left him to get ready by himself. Eddie stared at the swimming trucks as though they offended him. He sat down on the carpeted floor and imagined burning them with his eyesight. 

He heard the footsteps of his family, moving throughout the house. His dad’s voice was carried through the walls and the vents. He heard his loud booming voice, warning them about the time. Eddie wondered, if he took too long to get ready, whether he would be left behind. It had happened twice before. Unlike the other times, Eddie wouldn’t mind watching their car back out of the driveway as he looked on from his spot on the front porch. 

He counted the minutes in his head. Six minutes had passed, since his mom last checked on him. He could hear footsteps grow closer to his door. He waited with bated breath as he heard a knock. His door slowly cracked open. 

He turned his head around to see his mom peeking into his room. Her eyes scanned the room then settled on Eddie. She exerted a loud sigh, while fully opening the door. She stepped inside his room, bare feet sliding over the carpet as she threw the swimming trunks in Eddie’s direction. 

His mom sat down by him, tucking her sundress underneath her knees. She slid her sunglasses further on top of her head. Eddie didn’t like those sunglasses. It made his mom look like a fly. They were that enormous. But his mom loved them and wore them very often. 

“Edmundo, you need to get ready,” she told him. “Why aren’t you dressed? Your sisters are done getting ready. We’ll be leaving in a few minutes as soon as your dad can find where he placed his keys.”

Eddie shrugged. He looked at the swimming trunks that landed on his lap. His mom looked at the swimming trunks then at him. Smiling softly, she took the trunks in her hands. 

“Are you worried about your swimming trunks?” she asked. 

“No,” Eddie murmured. 

It was true. He wasn’t necessarily all that concerned about the swimming trunks. Sure, it was part of the problem, but it wasn’t the problem. After all, he was expecting his cousins to make fun of his swimming trunks. He knew it would be playful teasing and he could get over that. 

His main problem was that he would be enduring the playful teasing for no reason. Despite the many pool parties he had attended in his ten years of life, he never swam. He didn’t even swim at their community’s pool. 

He was so put off by swimming, after he took swimming lessons. 

A few years ago, his parents had enrolled him and Sophia in swimming lessons at their local recreation center. Adriana had been too young at the time for the lessons.  

Sophia had looked forward to their swimming lessons. She thrived under the tutelage of their swim instructors. Eddie was a nervous wreck for most of the lessons. He had stood amongst other kids his age as they went down the line of jumping into the pool. At first, he hadn’t minded the lessons. 

The lessons started off relatively easy. Their instructors wanted to slowly introduce them to the water. The parents had stayed sitting in the bleachers a couple of feet away from the pool. Eddie always checked to make sure his mom was paying attention to them. 

Sophia held his hand in hers as they both did the breathing exercises. She had been scared at first, but adjusted quickly. Eddie had thought swimming lessons would be fun, but had quickly grown scared as the lessons progressed. 

Water terrified him. He knew water had the claim of death. He remembered his dad telling him and Sophia about the time one of his classmates died at a waterpark. His classmate hadn’t known the depth of the wave pool. As soon as the waves crashed down on him, he had unfortunately drowned. 

Eddie had been terrified of large bodies of water ever since that fateful story. 

His mom later debunked the story, telling him and his sister that their dad had only told them that story to ward them off from going to the wave pool, when they took a trip to Great Wolf Lodge. It had been part of the reason his parents had put them in swimming lessons. They very well couldn’t keep taking them to waterparks without knowing how to swim. 

Unfortunately, the fear of water did not subside. When he went to the swimming lessons, he couldn’t stop thinking about the water greedily swallowing him and pulling him down to the floor. 

Then at their final swimming lesson, they had a test. They had to swim in the deep end. Sophia and the others had gone before Eddie. Finally, it was his turn to jump in the deep end. But Eddie couldn’t get his feet to move. He observed how the other children jumped into the pool and then swam to their instructor. 

He knew that if anything went wrong they would save them. However, Eddie wanted to be safe and standing on the edge of the pool felt safe. Then he felt a gentle push to the back of his shoulder blade. He went sprawling into the water with a loud splash. 

Immediately, the lessons kicked into overdrive. He kicked his feet in the water and swam to his instructor. His heartbeat thundered in his ears and he was worried it would give out, before he made it to the other side. 

He made it to his instructor and clutched at their shoulders, body trembling with fear. His instructor commended him and said that he was the fastest swimmer. Eddie hadn’t let the compliment sink in, before he was climbing up the stairs in the deep end and running to his mom. 

He didn’t even try looking for the kid who had pushed him in. He wanted his mom. He wanted her to comfort him and tell her it was wrong to be pushed. He searched for her in the bleachers, but couldn’t see her anywhere. 

His head spun around as he looked for her. She hadn’t moved from her spot in the bleachers, since they arrived. So where did she go? He looked for Sophia, but couldn’t find her either. 

He ran around the whole pool area, until he found his mom and Sophia shopping in the pool center shop for bathing suits. His mom held up a swimsuit to Sophia’s body and nodded, before realizing that Eddie had found them. 

His mom had stayed to watch Sophia. He had checked. But she hadn’t stayed to watch him. Had he taken too long? Did she think he would never take his turn? 

“Oh, Edmundo. How did it go? Did you swim in the deep end?” his mom questioned, pulling Sophia’s hair into a ponytail. 

Eddie nodded his head, not trusting himself to speak. How could he vocalize his disappointment at his mom not staying long enough to see him conquer the deep end? Sure, he had been pushed in, but he swam. He pushed past the fear and swam the length of the pool. 

“Yes, ma’am,” he said. 

His mom smiled and ruffled his hair, the wet strands gliding through her fingers. 

“That’s good. Look at you, my two swimmers. Think about how awesome it would be to hear the Diaz siblings take on the Olympics,” his mom enthused. “Doesn’t that sound fun?”

Sophia nodded, perking up at the idea. “I can practice a lot. They said I swam really good!”

“You did swim really well. I looked down for a second and you were gone! Fastest swimmer I’ve seen in my lifetime. We’ll have to see if they have a swim team you can join. What about you Eddie? I think I can ask someone at the front desk about it,” his mom continued, while she moved through the store. 

“No,” he quickly answered. 

Sophia frowned at him, placing her hands on her hips. “Why not? It’d be so much fun, Eddie! We could swim all day long.”

That sounded like a nightmare. 

“I don’t want to be a swimmer,” Eddie told her. 

“But…” Sophia began, but was interrupted by their mom. 

“If Eddie doesn’t want to swim, he doesn’t have to. He might be interested in something else and that’s okay. You don’t like playing baseball, but your brother does. It’s okay to have different interests,” his mom explained. 

“Okay, but swimming is better,” Sophia said, flipping her ponytail 

“No, it’s not. Baseball is way better,” Eddie argued. 

The two argued about the merits of each sport all the way until they received their certificates of completion from swimming lessons. Eddie clutched the certificate in his hand and stared endlessly at it, even as they got in the car to drive home. He didn’t feel like he completed anything. That day hadn’t felt like an accomplishment. In fact, the day seemed to take Eddie several steps backwards. 

He was already scared of water, but now the thought of swimming felt debilitating. The fear was now deeply rooted in his body that whole summer. He never swam again and if he did he stayed in the shallow end. Even then he would run through different scenarios where by some accident he was pushed out of the shallow end and into the deep end. 

Then he would drown. 

So no…the swimming trunks weren’t the main cause of consternation. Swimming itself was the root cause of his reluctance to go to this swimming party where he knew it was possible to succumb to the peer pressure of his older cousins. 

For the most part, he could stay beside his mom whenever they went to pool parties. But he knew his cousins would have something to say. He felt it in his spirit. 

His thoughts came to a standstill as his mom tapped him on his knee. She looked at him curiously. His shoulders drew upward to his ears and his neck grew hot. 

“If it’s not the swimming trunks that have you worried, what’s going on? Are you still feeling sick?” She leant over to put the back of her hand on his forehead. “You don’t feel warm and you stopped running a fever three days ago.”

He could lie and tell her he didn't feel well. He had it on his mind to say he still felt ill, but he didn’t think his mom would believe the lie. He spent all of yesterday energetically playing in the backyard with Sophia and Adriana. 

He heard another knock at his door and his dad stepped into the room. He looked down at them and sighed. He glanced at his watch and then back at them. 

“Helena, we have to go. Eddie hurry up and put on your clothes. We’ll be in the car,” he said. 

“Don’t rush us. You were the one who forgot where you placed your keys,” his mom reminded him, while standing up. “Alright, Eddie. You heard your father. Go ahead and get dressed. We’ll be in the car. And we’re not leaving you at home, so don’t think about taking a long time to get dressed.”

She patted his head affectionately as she left the room. His dad tapped his watch and pointed at Eddie, making sure he knew they were on a time crunch. He left him alone after that reminder. 

Hurriedly, he changed into his swimming trunks and white t-shirt. He slid on a pair of flip-flops and rushed out of the house, being mindful to grab his own house keys and lock the door. He got into the car and anxiously stared out the window, wondering how he could get out of swimming again. 

He had nearly used all the excuses in his repertoire. He ignored Adriana and Sophia prattling about how excited they were to swim. It was only the second week of summer and they hadn’t gone swimming yet. 

He closed his eyes, wanting to get a quick nap in. Maybe by the time he woke up, he wouldn’t be so afraid of going to this party. 

They arrived at his cousin’s house where they were having the party. He didn’t even know how they were exactly related. Their family was so large, but he thought they were second-cousins or something. His dad tried telling him how they were all related, but it had slipped from his mind. 

Whatever part of the family this was, they were exceptionally rich. It was a nice two-story home and they had a pool. When they went inside, the house had been decorated from the highest point of the ceiling all the way down to the floorboards. 

Once inside, his dad was pulled aside by one of his siblings. His mom had gone to talk to his abuela, who was in the kitchen helping to check on the food. 

Adriana followed their mom, but Eddie and Sophia went into the backyard. Loud music was blaring back there. Many of his cousins were already playing in the pool. Sophia quickly shed her large t-shirt and threw it in Eddie’s face. 

Eddie took the t-shirt and placed it in the backpack his mom had left with him. He took out their beach towels and placed them on top of the backpack. He was content to watch his cousins goof around in the pool. Eventually, he found himself sitting at the edge of the pool with his feet dipped in the water. 

That would be enough for him. He could do that much. He could safely watch Sophia from where he sat. Sophia laughed joyously as one of their cousins held her on his shoulders and dunked her into the water. 

Tony, the birthday boy, swam over to Eddie. He pulled his arms over the wall of the pool and hooked his chin over his hands. 

“Happy birthday,” Eddie smiled. “I can’t believe you’re thirteen.”

Tony grinned happily. “Me either, to be honest. It’s crazy that I’m a teenager now. And what about you? You finally reached the double-digits a few months ago. How’s that feel?”

“The same.”

“Yeah, that’s how I feel about thirteen. It’s like I know I’m finally a teenager, but I still feel twelve. Maybe I’ll feel differently in a few days.”

Eddie shrugged. “Maybe.”

“Hey, why aren’t you swimming? It’s so hot. Don’t you want to cool off?” Tony asked. 

“I’m fine here. It’s not that hot.”

“I mean if you say so. You sure you don’t want to swim, right now? We’re about to play pool volleyball and I need one more person on my team.”

“Sorry, but I’m not swimming today,” Eddie told him. 

“Then why wear swim trunks, if you weren’t going to swim?” Santana, one of Tony’s friends, curiously asked. 

Another friend, Levi, joined Santana and Tony. “Aww, how cute. I think I had the same pair of trunks, when I was three.”

Eddie felt his cheeks grow warm. “My mom got them for me.”

Levi smirked at him. “That’s adorable. So are you joining the game or not? I want to play, before they tell us the food is ready.”

“No, Eddie said he’s not swimming today,” Tony said, already swimming backwards. “That’s his prerogative.”

Loud exclamations came from his other cousins and Tony’s friends. 

“Unless, you’re too afraid to swim like a little baby,” Levi laughed. 

“Levi, don't be mean. Even babies know how to swim,” one of Eddie’s cousins, Billy, chimed in. “Come on, leave him alone. He obviously can’t swim.”

“I’m not a baby,” Eddie defended. “I’m ten. I’ve reached the double digits.”

“Oh, wow. Ten years old! I remember, when I was that young,” Santana sighed. “Man, how the years do pass.”

“I can swim,” Eddie told them, ignoring Santana’s interjection. “I can.”

Sophia swam over to him. “He can! We took lessons.”

“Oooh, lessons. How fancy,” Tony joked, as if he hadn’t attended the most expensive swimming lessons his parents' money could buy. 

“Prove it. Jump in the deep end,” one of his cousins, Nate, tempted. 

“Eddie can do it! He jumped in the deep end before. He’s a really fast swimmer too,” Sophia told all of them. “Show them, Eddie!”

He loved Sophia’s fervent defense of his swimming skills, but he wished she would shut up. He gave her a warning glare, but she didn’t get the memo. 

All of a sudden he could hear everyone chanting, “Jump.”

Eddie could ignore them. He could deny the pull of peer pressure. But he couldn’t help, but to feel the weighted and expectant gazes of everyone in the pool. All of their eyes were on him. He resolved that he would hurry up and prove them wrong.

Their excited cheers became muted as he pulled his feet out of the water. He walked to the deep end of the pool. Sophia clapped her hands, eyes gleaming with pride. He swallowed the tightness in his throat, stepping back and running full speed into the deep end. 

He miscalculated how fear could control his body. Panic caught him as soon as his body was propelled in the air. He choked on the water, chlorine shooting straight into his nostrils. It burned. Everything was burning. His hands caught onto any movable object he could, hoping they would safely pull him to the shallow end. 

A foot kicked at his chest, pushing him further away. His hands grasped onto an arm, nails biting into the flesh of the poor soul Eddie was using as a life line. Hands pushed at his arms and threw them off of him. He tried climbing on someone, inhaling large gulps of air as he climbed atop of someone’s thighs. But then they threw him off. 

Every source of escape was slipping from his fingers. He could hear shouts of his name as his head dipped back under the water. Eddie’s worst fear was coming true. He was going to drown. His dad wouldn’t need to tell the fake tale of his classmate drowning in the wave pool. He would tell the story of his own son’s drowning. 

Finally, Eddie gave up. 

He woke up at what felt like hours later. He blearily blinked open his eyes. He could hear his mom yelling and screaming at whoever was in her vicinity. He turned around to see that the backyard had been cleared out with the exception of what looked like firefighters and a few adults. 

His chest ached and burned. He turned his face into his mom’s stomach, hoping to be shielded from the glares of the firefighters and everyone else. 

“You were supposed to be watching him!” his mom screamed, while holding him tightly to her chest. “I told you to come out here and watch the children, Ramon. Why weren’t there any adults out here! You can’t leave children unsupervised around a pool.”

“Maybe your son shouldn’t have gotten into the pool, knowing he couldn’t swim,” one of the parents argued. 

His mom shot up, bringing Eddie alongside with her. She was prepared to go into whoever it was that said that. One of the firefighters pulled Eddie alongside her as the adults began arguing amongst themselves. He hated how he was ruining his cousin’s birthday. 

The firefighter led him to one of the chairs outside and began checking him over. 

“Hi, my name is Rebeca. What’s your name, sweetheart?” she asked. 

“Eddie.”

“Eddie. That’s a nice name.”

He ignored Rebeca, eyes traveling back to his parents. He watched as they talked to the other firefighters, while he was being examined by Rebeca. One of the firefighters kindly touched his father’s arm and jerked his head over to where Eddie was being seen by Rebeca. 

He looked toward his dad, whose suit was wet. He was wringing out his suit jacket, while looking at Eddie with a downturned glare. Rebeca held out her hands for Eddie to hold and he followed her as he was led back to his parents. 

“He should ride back with us. He’ll have to be checked over at the hospital to make sure he isn’t at risk for delayed drowning, since he stayed under for so long,” Rebeca warned. “If he had stayed under there for one more minute, we would have been responding to a very different call. You did a good job Mr. Diaz.”

“Sorry, what’s delayed drowning?” his mom questioned, voice hoarse from her screaming match. 

“A doctor will want to make sure he doesn’t have delayed — secondary drowning. Even though he looks fine externally, it’ll be good to make sure there isn’t water left behind in his lungs. They’ll be able to check his breathing and everything else that we are unable to do right now.”

“Okay,” his mom said. “Okay, we want to make sure that Eddie is alright. Can I drive with him?”

“Of course.”

The adults kept talking like Eddie wasn’t there. He was led to the ambulance and the other party goers parted as he made his way through the house. His cousins shamefully looked down, but offered no words of comfort or apologies. 

The firefighters and Rebeca kept talking to his dad, commending him for his speed in saving Eddie from drowning. Eddie broke down at that thought. Why did they keep reiterating that Eddie could have died? He knew that what he did was foolish. His cries rattled in his throat and he began coughing, feeling the tight stretch of his skin pull across his chest. 

Eddie’s eyesight darkened and he bitterly wondered if this is how it felt, the day he was born-lingering on the cusp of life and death. His dad ran back toward him and gathered him in his arms. He sobbed into his dad’s arms, worrying that he had disappointed his dad. Would he blame him for causing a scene at his cousin’s birthday party? 

Instead of giving him a stern talk, which he knew would come eventually, he held Eddie tighter in his arms. He felt his dad pull away and Eddie tightened his arms around him. His dad quickly tossed his keys to his mom. 

“I’ll ride with him. You and the girls can meet us at the hospital,” his dad gently spoke. “Helena, I’ve got him.”

He didn’t hear his mom’s response with how tightly his ears were pressed to his dad’s chest. He was led to the ambulance and got inside. Not once did he leave his dad’s embrace. The doctor wouldn’t even need to inspect him from residual water left in his body. All the water was leaving in the tears he shed. 

He heard the ambulance’s doors close seconds before the truck pulled away from the house. 

“You’re okay, Edmundo. You’re okay,” his dad comforted, rocking him back and forth. His dad’s trembling fingers ran over the entirety of his back. “It’s okay mijo. You’re okay. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” 

His dad had saved his life twice. He owed him everything, even if it came as the sacrifice of his own happiness. He had to let his dad know his good deed wasn’t done in vain. His life would now take on that one true purpose. He would live for his dad. His life was his dad’s.

July was winding down to a quiet conclusion. Summer had outstretched its hand as far as it could. Eddie was thankful for the season’s progress. He was ready for summer to be over. First there was the sense of anticipation brought upon by Christopher’s imminent arrival. He had not given him an exact return date. However, Christopher was closer to coming home now than he was, when he first left. Eddie had to take the small wins. 

He was also eagerly awaiting the end of July, since Samuel would be gone by the end of the month. He only had to wait a week and a half for him to be gone. He could erase him from his mind, once again. He could place this summer in a box in his mind, lock it away, and push it in the furthest corner. He knew that method of compartmentalization was not healthy, but he didn’t care. 

Samuel had sent him a barrage of texts and voicemails, wanting to see if they could meet up and talk. Eddie hadn’t replied to a single one. He resolved within himself to ignore the problem that was Samuel. There was no point in dredging up any other things that they had dug up that night. 

In some way, Eddie gained a sense of closure at that hotel. He did not want to venture into whether that would be enough. It was enough for now. He had to be content with the poor imitation of closure. 

He heard his phone go off on his bedside table. Seconds passed and then Eddie grabbed his phone. He brought his phone toward his face, squinting his eyes at the brightness. Dimming the brightness, he unlocked his phone. 

Again it was Samuel calling him. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to put his phone on DND. 

He thought about listening to the voicemail. Then the errant thought quickly passed. Samuel had the opportunity to say all he needed to say at the hotel. He set his phone back down on his bedside table. 

He blinked up at his ceiling, eyes following the circular movements of his ceiling fan. Air filtered through his room and down to his face. 

It was dark outside. Even without his curtains drawn tight over the windows, it would still be dark in his room. It was so early. Why on earth had Samuel wanted to disrupt his sleep to call? There was no sense to be had in that man. 

He still had three more hours of rest, before he had to get ready for his shift. He wanted to get a full night’s sleep. Unfortunately, once Eddie was awake and alert it was hard for him to go back to sleep. It would take him about an hour to fall asleep again. However, he had to go to sleep. He would suffer through his 24 hour shift, if he didn’t get all the hours of sleep he required to be alert. 

Great, another thing to place blame on Samuel.

He tried counting sheep. Then he tried putting on the sleeping mask, Adriana had gifted him. That hadn’t done much to help. Black noise would keep him awake so that also wasn't an option. He could try drinking some sleepy time tea. That could work. 

He swung the covers over his body and headed into the kitchen. Still hazy from sleep, his legs knocked into various walls and countertops. He didn’t want to turn on any lights in the house for that simple task. 

He made quick work of going into his pantry and pulling out the container of all the various teas he had been collecting. Buck had been the main proponent of this expanding collection. When Buck found out he hadn’t liked coffee, he had urged him to try tea. The only teas he enjoyed were sweet tea and sometimes green tea. Buck had taken that idea and run with it, buying him different herbal teas. 

Buck had an insane fascination, when he found a tea Eddie really enjoyed. Eddie appreciated his enthusiasm for that small joy. It wasn’t often that Eddie bought himself things he enjoyed, especially when it wasn’t a necessity. His mom had always reinforced the value of a dollar, amidst her various trips to the mall. Needless to say she hadn’t been the best enforcer of the rule, but the lesson had been hammered into Eddie. 

The only thing Buck hadn’t managed to get Eddie to try was adding honey to his tea. He had tried it, but decidedly chose to only use sugar. Honey was only alright, if he was sick. 

The electric kettle gave a tiny beep, signaling that the water had finished boiling. Eddie grabbed one of his mugs that Christopher had bought him for Father’s Day some odd number of years ago. He placed the tea bag into the mug and poured the steaming water over it. Then he scooped two spoonfuls of sugar and poured it into the mug. After a second thought, he added a third spoonful. Sue him, he had a sweet tooth. 

He let the tea cool off a bit, while he placed things back in the pantry. He walked back to his room and sat down on his bed. He finished his tea in about fifteen minutes, calmly taking in the sweetness. He relaxed back against his mattress, pulling the sheets over his legs. 

He set his empty mug on his table and hoped that he could sleep until his alarm went off. Thankfully, sleep came easy to him. 

He woke up as his alarm trilled in his ear. He was tempted to hit the snooze button as he saw the time read, 6:45 a.m. It was too early to start the day. He counted to sixty three times. Not able to stop the inevitable, he opened his eyes and sat up in his bed. 

The faster he got ready for the day, the faster he could return home. For some reason, that idea motivated him. He moved around his house, finally brightened by the sun’s light. He drew back the curtains and opened his blinds, allowing warmth to permeate his house. 

He threw some sweatpants over what Buck had deemed his criminally short workout shorts. He went outside to put his trash on the curb, for it to be picked up later. He waved at Moira, one of his older neighbors, who was putting her own trash out. 

“Good morning, Eddie!” Moira called out from across the street. 

“Good morning, Moira. How’s your week been going so far?” he questioned. 

“Oh, you know. It’s been going. George is about to run me out of my damn mind though. I tell you, ever since he retired that man has decided he wants to be some daredevil. Decided to up and buy a motorcycle without even telling me,” Moira scoffed, walking down her driveway to put her trash near the curb. 

“That was his? I thought maybe one of your kids was visiting,” Eddie said. 

He leaned over his mailbox as Moira shook her head. The rollers in her hair moved as she shook her head. 

“No, even my kids wouldn’t be that dumb to actively try and give me a heart attack. I’m planning on sending it to Stefanie for her garage sale today. George is out the house golfing with his friends today. I can get away with it and he’ll get over it soon. I’ll convince him to buy him a car or something safer,” she waved off. 

Eddie sighed, running his hands over his head. “I forgot today was the neighborhood garage sale. I told Stefanie I’d send some stuff her way that I hadn’t used in years.” 

Moira tsked under her breath. “Honey, you know Stefanie has sent reminders to the whole neighborhood for weeks.”

“I know. I don’t know how it slipped my mind. I’ve had a lot going on, I guess. Stefanie is going to give me the disappointed look she always has at the neighborhood meetings.”

“Please, honey. Stefanie’s face is perpetually in a state of disappointment. Think it’s part of a job description for those boring HOA people. Swear she wasn’t like this in college. The power got to her head,” Moira joked. 

“I suppose. I really wanted to participate this year. I don’t know how I forgot.”

“It happens to the best of us. Sometimes things slip out of our mind. That’s quite alright. I’ll try to reign in Stefanie’s disappointment,” Moira said then a second later added, “But, if you have a little time before work just gather some items and I’ll send them in with mine, when I go over to Stefanie’s. I’ll make sure to mark yours, so you can get your money.”

“That would be so helpful. I can bring it over to your house, before I leave for work in an hour.”

Moira smiled at him. “Sounds good.”

“Thanks. I’m going to go get ready and then I’ll come by to drop everything off,” Eddie said, waving back at her and then going into his house. 

He looked at the time and saw it was 7:03 a.m. He had to leave his house by 7:25 a.m. to make it to work on time. He quickly showered and went through his morning routine. He finished off his bowl of cereal and threw it into the sink, leaving it to be washed for later. 

He had already set aside some things for the garage sale and had kept it in his closet. He knelt back down in his closet, grabbing different shoe boxes. There were some shoes that he had never worn and never had the intent to wear. They were serving to only collect dust. 

He had three pairs he could get rid of and he knew there were some things of Christopher’s that he could give away. But he would wait until Christopher returned so they could go through his things and see what could be donated. 

His hands felt the heavy weight of another box. He grew curious at what had been hidden behind the many shoe boxes left in his closet. He pulled it closer to him and then immediately pushed it further into the closet. In all his attempts to forget Samuel, he had forgotten where he had placed that jewelry box safekeeping all the letters sent from Samuel. 

He sat back on the heels of his feet. The box, set in front of him, held so much of his past. Part of him wanted to open the jewelry box, gather all the letters and set fire to them all. Hesitantly, he reached back into the closet and drew the wooden jewelry box further into his eyesight. 

His hands ran over the smooth contours of the jewelry box with flowers engraved on the top. His abuela had gifted him the jewelry box to give to Shannon as a wedding gift. Eddie had thought to put Shannon’s jewelry in the box and give it to her later. Instead of earrings and necklaces placed in the sage green velvet compartments, he had placed letters in its box. 

There was a latch on the third tier that opened to a hidden compartment. Eddie’s hands hooked on the latch.  

He didn’t pull the latch upward, revealing the hidden secrets of Eddie’s youth. 

He could open it and throw them away. He should throw them away. They served no importance in his life. He hadn’t even known why he kept them for so long. Part of him wanted to check to see if they were still there or whether he had somehow imagined all of those letters.

He pulled the latch upward and his breath caught in his throat as he saw an unfamiliar letter with familiar penmanship on its envelope. He shut the jewelry box closed, feeling heat prickle at the back of his eyes. No, this couldn’t be happening. His eyes were deceitful. 

He had to check one more time. 

Lo and behold in the familiar script of Shannon’s careful penmanship, the words “Dear Eddie” were written.  

He could laugh at the absurdity of it all. 

And he did laugh — a cracked and hurtful laugh, one that clipped away at his vocal chords. His hands shook as he ran his hands over his name. He thought she left him without saying goodbye. When she left that first time, she had at least written a note. 

He had been somewhat jealous, when Shannon wrote a letter to Christopher. How could she have known that she would need to leave a letter for Eddie as well? 

But she had left him a letter. He shouldn’t read it at least not now, but he would be tormented by the contents of this letter all day at work if he didn’t read it. He turned the letter over, ready to open it. 

He smiled sadly at how the envelope was closed with a bright sticker, from one of Christopher’s old coloring books. Shannon hated licking envelopes and would always use a stamp, sticker, or tape to seal the envelope. 

The sticker gave away easily and Eddie pulled the letter out. His eyes greedily took in the words on the paper. He read over her words three times, each time increasing his levels of distress. His heart began beating erratically. 

Some part of him knew it was a possibility, after all he had found her letter sitting atop of Samuel’s. But he had been distracted from that realization as he stared at her envelope.

He read the letter for the fifth and final time, hoping that somehow the words would manifest differently. Surely, he wasn’t reading things the way Shannon meant them. However, as much as he tried to deny what was written, the facts of the letter were laid out in front of him with zero chance of being misinterpreted. 

Shannon had known. 

She had known about him, in all the ways that he never talked about openly. 

She had known all that time and never told him. 

He couldn’t deal with this right now. He had to go to work. He had to be anywhere but there in that house where all his secrets demanded his attention. He carefully folded the letter again and placed it back in the envelope. He placed hers back on top of Samuel’s and closed the jewelry box. He pushed it back in the furthest corner of the closet, to be dealt with later. 

He had other things to do right now. He couldn’t let that letter impact his day. 

He had to leave. He looked at his phone and saw it was already 7:33 a.m. He closed his closet door, fearing that if he left it open the letters would grow legs and follow him. 

He grabbed all the items he had for sale and threw them all in a bag. He grabbed his keys and wallet. He checked to make sure all doors were locked, before setting the alarm and leaving his house. 

Moira greeted him at her door, looking up at him in concern. “Honey, you alright? You’re looking a little pale.”

“Yes, I’m fine. It’s still early. My system is trying to wake up,” he lifelessly joked. “These are all the things I have. Sorry, there’s not more. I have to head to work, but this is all I could gather at that time.”

He didn’t want to mention he was rendered immovable for a good few minutes, while reading the letter his dead wife left him. 

“You don’t have to apologize about that. Anything you give is appreciated. I’ll let you know how it goes. Be safe at work,” Moira said as she was handed Eddie’s things. 

“I will. Have a good morning. Tell George I said hello,” Eddie said as he walked back to his car. He got into his car, sitting there for a few minutes. He wanted to go back in his house and open that jewelry box and rip apart the letters. He wanted to put them in a shredder. Why had all of those letters uprooted the stability in Eddie’s mind? 

His keys shook in his hands, every time he tried to turn on his car. He let out a frustrated groan and flung the keys down. 

“Fuck, fuck,” he repeated, banging his head on the steering wheel. “Can you both give me a fucking rest? Can you please stop haunting me? Please, please. I am begging you.”

He felt awful to feel unthankful for Shannon’s letter. But it was bringing too much of himself and even Shannon into question. The possibilities in her letter also filled him with such a soul aching bittersweetness. It hurt. All of it hurt to read what she said. It sank its teeth into his heart, leaving behind an untended bruise. 

He fumbled around in his car, trying to see where he had thrown his keys. Finally, he found them under his seat. He turned his car on and began to pull out of his driveway. When he left his neighborhood, he made a call to Bobby. He was not making it to work on time. 

“Hey, Bobby. I’m calling to let you know I may be a few minutes late,” he told him as he looked at the clock turning to 8:05 a.m. He shouldn’t have even cut things close by thinking he could leave home at 7:25 and be on time. 

“Everything okay?” Bobby questioned, first thinking that something might be wrong. 

“No, everything is fine. I had a late start to the morning,” Eddie said. “I’m leaving my house now. I’ll be there in thirty minutes or so.”

“Alright, well get here as soon as you can. Actually, no. You and Buck take that suggestion to mean I want you to speed here. Drive safely. I’ll see you, once you get here,” Bobby instructed. 

“Will do,” Eddie said, before ending the call. “Okay, Eddie. You have thirty minutes to get your shit together.”

He managed to give himself a very disheartened and lackluster pep talk. By the time he walked into the station, he knew today would not be one of his best days. He was first greeted by Bobby, who told him to come into his office. He walked past Buck, not paying mind to his quizzical glance. 

Eddie entered Bobby’s office and closed the door behind him. Bobby motioned for him to sit down. It felt oddly reminiscent of the time Bobby sent him home early. Was Bobby not going to let him even start his shift this time? 

“How are you doing, Eddie?” Bobby asked, getting right to the point. 

Eddie shifted under Bobby’s clinical stare. “I’m doing fine. Why do you ask?”

“I’m aware that being late to work happens sometimes. It’s to be expected. However, these past few days you’ve seemed unfocused like your mind is elsewhere. Today you sounded off. Is there anything I can do to help you with whatever might be causing you stress,” Bobby helpfully offered. 

It never failed to surprise him how much Bobby cared about all of them. It was also sometimes disconcerting that Bobby knew them so well. Bobby continued staring at him and Eddie realized that he hadn’t said anything in response. 

“I’m sorry. I’ll be more focused today. I won’t slip up like that other day,” Eddie promised. 

Bobby sighed, disappointed with what Eddie had said as if knowing Eddie was lying. “I know you won’t. I want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. If you need a day off for rest-”

“I don’t. I need to be here,” he rushed out. He would rather not go back to his house haunted by years of hidden secrets. “I really did just have a late start to my morning. I’ll be fine, once I wake up some more.”

Bobby didn’t look convinced, but nodded his head nonetheless. “Let me know, if that changes. I’m serious. Whether we’re only in hour two of our shift or hour twenty, you’ll let me know. Don’t push yourself further than you can go.”

“I won’t,” Eddie replied. 

“Good. I’ll let you go get dressed,” Bobby said, leaning back in his chair. 

Eddie nodded, gathering his things and heading to the locker room. He began changing out of his clothes and into his uniform, making sure to tuck his shirt into his pants. Placing his things into his locker, he finished getting ready. He made sure his locker was locked, before heading up to the loft where the others were preparing breakfast. 

Buck pulled him off to the side, once he made it all the way up the stairs. 

“Everything okay? What did Bobby need to talk to you about?” Buck questioned. 

“Ease up there, Buck. Nothing is wrong. He just wanted to check-in with me, since I was running to work late.”

Buck squinted at him, suddenly remembering that Eddie had walked into work nearly thirty minutes late. 

“Yeah, why were you late? You’re strangely punctual all the time. I don’t think you’ve ever been late to work, unless you were late to drop off Christopher or you were coming down with something. Are you sick?” Buck asked, pressing his hand to Eddie’s forehead. 

Eddie removed Buck’s hand and walked toward the sink where many dishes were piled up. “I’m not sick, Buck. It’s nothing you need to be worried about. Sometimes a late morning can happen.”

Buck continued staring at him. “Not for you.”

Eddie ignored him in favor of moving to the sink. “C-shift forget to wash their dishes again?”

Chimney rolled his eyes. “Despite many reminders to clean up, C-shift still has not made it a habit. I’ve asked Bobby to dock their pay, until they remember to clean behind themselves. Cap said that’s unethical.”

“We can’t punish them for not cleaning, even though I want to,” Hen said as she cleared off the table. “Though I guess today we’ll forgive them. They had a rough call last night. Won’t be too hard on them this time. But next time they leave a mess like this, words will be said.”

Eddie shrugged, uncaring that they left behind a mess. He was thankful he had something to occupy his thoughts. He started running water and looked for the dish detergent, which Buck provided. 

“Thanks,” Eddie said as he grabbed the bottle from Buck’s hands. 

Buck stayed close to him, while he fluttered around the kitchen to make breakfast for the team. Every time he passed Eddie, he made sure to brush his shoulder against his back. Eddie would call him out for the gesture, if it wasn’t the only thing comforting him at the moment. 

Buck later stepped away to feed Liz. Eventually, he returned and stood by Eddie. He pet Liz on her tail as Buck leant forward to grab a bowl that Eddie had just put down. He poured some water in the bowl and then sat down, putting the bowl on the table and allowing Liz to lick from it. 

“Here you go Liz,” Buck said as Liz began drinking her water. 

“I’m sorry, since when do lizards drink from a bowl like a dog?” Chimney asked. “You going to put a collar on her too?”

“Buck’s spoiling her,” Hen remarked, as she pulled out a carton of orange juice. 

“She deserves it. Look at her. Isn’t she the best girl,” Buck cooed, petting her head. 

Ravi shook his head, still not warming up to Liz. “Is it sanitary to keep her on the table?”

Buck looked at him. “Are you saying my sweet girl is dirty? Wow, the audacity.”

“I’m saying she’s creepy. Look at her big eyes,” Ravi shivered. 

“Come on, Probie. You can’t honestly say you’re scared of Liz. Here, I’ll place her on your hands and you can see how friendly she is,” Buck started, ready to pick her up and hand her off to Ravi. “She loves cuddles.”

Ravi shook his head. “No, thanks.”

Buck turned to Liz disappointedly. “Don’t worry. Probie will warm up to you eventually.”

“I doubt it,” Ravi scoffed, moving further from the table. 

The rest of the team settled in to eat breakfast with Bobby eventually joining them. Eddie gathered the dishes Buck had used to make breakfast and began washing those as well. Buck walked over to him, telling him to eat. He told him he had eaten cereal before he had left. Buck still set aside a portion of the breakfast for him in the refrigerator. 

Eddie sat down at the table, waiting for them to finish eating so he could wash their plates. Eddie basked in the conversation, content with only listening. He sat close to Buck, thighs pressed against one another. Buck looked over at him and smiled gently. 

“These prices are getting outrageous. I went to the store yesterday to start getting the kids things for school. Denny’s school switched to uniforms for some reason. Now we have to shop for that,” Hen mumbled. 

“Bet Denny’s not happy with that,” Chimney claimed. 

“Not at all. I doubt they stick with the uniform decision past the first semester. They’re already having a meeting about the matter because the school administration just informed parents of the change. It doesn’t make sense to wear uniforms. The other schools in his district don’t even have to wear them. He was so excited to wear his new clothes his first year of high school. Now I’m having to buy khakis and white polos.”

“Yeah, I never had to wear uniforms,” Ravi said. “There was a time where they thought our school would make the switch, but they never did. I think they thought it would help with the disciplinary problems our school had, but they never tested it out.”

“I wore uniforms. Navy pants and sky blue polos,” Chimney told them. “It was a college prep STEM academy. Thought it would get us in the mindset to be business professionals. Didn’t really work out how they imagined though. A bunch of kids my year got in trouble for tagging the school. They got shut down, after my senior year because they didn’t meet the accreditation.”

They all looked at Chimney in confusion. 

“What?” Chimney laughed, raising his hands up. “Didn’t think I was the type of student to go to a STEM academy? I’ll have you know I was almost salutatorian, before the title was ripped from my hands by Kristen Matthews. She went to our Calculus teacher and argued for a three point grade change on our final exam.”

Chimney’s mouth curled up at her name. 

“You know what that oddly tracks,” Ravi noted. “I can imagine you being all studious in your uniform.”

“Thanks, Ravi.”

“I had to wear a uniform too,” Eddie added. “But I didn’t go to a fancy college prep school.”

“Really?” Hen questioned. 

“Yeah, I went to a catholic elementary school in third grade. They took uniforms very seriously. Had to wear blazers every Wednesday for mass.”

“You never told me you went to catholic school,” Buck replied. 

Eddie shrugged. “Didn’t think it was something that needed to be brought up. Didn’t really enjoy my time there. I was always bored out of my mind. The teachers were as bland as they got. I also got written up a lot for my uniform, because apparently I was supposed to wear a certain brand of khakis and my mom would only ever buy Dickie’s.”

“Aren’t khakis just khakis?” Hen questioned. 

“Supposedly, but there was a specific brand that had a deal with our school. My mom had to start ripping the Dickie’s tag off my pants, but the vice principal knew by the stitching that it wasn’t the school mandated pants that was written in our guidebook.”

Hen groaned. “I didn’t even look to see if there was a specific brand of khaki I had to buy. Karen and I just went into Target’s school section and bought some from there.”

“I doubt it’d matter. St. Anthony’s was very strict. Part of the reason my mom didn't enroll me in the school the next year.”

“I’m not ready for the first day of school at all. I cannot believe that he’s going to high school. It feels crazy how fast the years go by. Denny wanted to go back to school shopping without us. We found a nice compromise that we go with him, but leave him alone to grab all his things once we get in the store.”

“I’m sure Christopher will be the same, once he comes back home. I can already see him telling us that he can shop for himself or telling us to wait in the car,” Buck chuckled. “Remember when we tried shopping for him and he kindly told us that we didn’t need to ever shop for clothes for him again? Though I think he was saying that more to you than me because I at least know how to put together a cool outfit.”

Eddie looked at him with wide eyes, feeling something click into place. 

Buck’s eyes shuttered at the look of surprise on Eddie’s face. “Or not?”

Eddie fervently shook his head, placing his hand on Buck’s thigh. “No, you're right. He'll definitely want to shop for clothes without us. At least he’ll still let us shop for school supplies. That we can do. Also I take offense to you saying I can’t shop for clothes. I have a very keen eye for fashion.”

Buck raised an eyebrow at him. “That’s mainly due to the influence of Christopher. Even you have to admit any progress in the clothing department is due to him.”

Eddie slumped down. “That doesn’t sound good that I had to get fashion advice from my son.”

“It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone,” Buck smirked, leaning further into his space and indirectly causing Eddie’s hand to move further up Buck’s thigh. Buck tracked the movement, heated eyes lowering a second then quickly rising back up to meet Eddie’s eyes. 

“Oblivious loveable idiots,” Hen muttered under her breath, as she grabbed her plate to wash. 

Eddie snatched his hand away as if Hen could see the way Eddie’s hand tightened on Buck’s leg. He placed his hand on Buck’s shoulder as he stood from his chair. He got up to help Hen clean the rest of the table. 

The others moved toward the couches, perfectly content to sit around until their first call. Bobby had gone back into his office, probably to catch up on more paperwork. Eddie sat down by Buck and took out his phone. He scrolled through instagram, liking the different posts Adriana had uploaded from their visit to Houston. He made sure to comment on the posts, saying that they looked like they had a great time. 

Christopher had made his own posts and Eddie scrolled through the images, screenshotting his favorites. He could later print them out and put them on the refrigerator. He needed some updated pictures of him. Buck had told him Christopher had a good time, based on the stories he uploaded. Eddie still hadn’t been added back to his close friends' list. He was still getting over that. 

He shut his phone off and put it in his pocket. Feeling the hints of a growing headache, he slumped his body against the back of the couch. He closed his eyes and tried alleviating the pressure by rubbing his temples. 

Buck noticed Eddie’s efforts to alleviate his headache. He reached over and tapped him on his shoulder. Eddie opened his eyes, already mourning that his headache hadn’t magically disappeared. 

“You need some Advil?” Buck asked. 

“No, it’s a small headache. It’s not enough to warrant taking some medicine. It’ll be fine in a minute or so,” he said as he resumed massaging his temples. 

Buck looked at him as though he didn’t believe him which was a fair assumption. Eddie tended to downplay his pain. The headache would be more of a nuisance than anything else. Plus they weren’t out on any calls. He could deal with this and hope the headache would slither away in due time. 

Eddie settled back into the chair as Ravi began telling everyone about a restaurant he was thinking of opening with his friend. He shifted uncomfortably in his spot as his headache began to travel to the back of his head and the top of his spine. He hoped it wouldn’t develop into a migraine. 

He gave a disgruntled sigh, a sound which had Buck turning his body toward him. He ignored the attention in favor of pretending he was completely fine. It had been a momentary slip-up. Buck tapped him on his shoulder and Eddie opened his eyes to meet his concerned expression. 

“Come here,” Buck motioned, widening his legs to create space for Eddie to fit between them. 

“What?”

“You won’t take any medicine for your headache and your pained expression is about to give me one. Come on, I’ll give you a massage,” Buck offered. “As much as you like downplaying your pain, I know you’ll whine all day about this, that, or the other.”

“I don’t whine,” Eddie scoffed. 

“You so do,” Hen chuckled. “It’d be funny, if it wasn’t only brought upon by you trying to say you’re not in pain. To divert our attention from how you’re clearly suffering, you whine about the most inconsequential things ever.”

“Remember the time he accidentally stepped on a nail and we didn’t find out until the end of our shift. Whined the whole shift about how the Marvel franchise needed to take a break and regroup.”

“I didn’t whine,” Eddie defended. 

“Yes, you did. I was the main listening ear of said whining as I had to remind you about the dangers of leaving wounds untreated,” Hen said in a deadpan voice.

“I had my tetanus shot,” Eddie muttered. 

“That makes me feel a hundred times better. And see case in point whining again,” Hen sarcastically responded. 

“Oh, yeah! Remember when we tried kindly suggesting that Eddie go home because he was definitely coming down with a cold? He whined all day about how the cherry cough drops were worse than the lemon cough drops that had that weird gooey inside.”

“Because the cough drops do taste different! Why make a cough drop with liquid inside? That shit’s disgusting. Also I didn’t talk about that for the whole day. That’s an extensive use of hyperbole,” Eddie huffed, refusing to look any of them in the eye. 

“Oh, dear. He’s bringing out the English lessons. Are we about to enter Defcon 3 of Eddie’s whining,” Chimney laughed.

 All of them were bored and Eddie had the unfortunate task of being the source of their entertainment. Ravi was gearing up to say his own piece, but thankfully Buck cut his response short. 

“Alright, guys. Let’s leave Eddie alone, before he starts whining that we’re ganging up on him,” Buck teased. “Now will you let me help you? Or do you want to effectively prove them right, when you wound up whining the whole shift? It’ll be a long 24 hours to be subject to their teasing.”

Buck stared at him, patiently waiting for his decision. Eddie let out a long suffering sigh. 

“I hate you all,” Eddie scoffed as he slid down to the space between Buck’s legs. “You better make this headache go away because you all just increased it by a hundred.”

The rest of them snickered and changed the conversation to another topic. Eddie leant back against the couch, shoulders bracketed by Buck’s thighs. He tried not to shiver as he felt Buck’s hands trail at the base of his neck before curling into his hair. 

“Let me know if the pressure is too rough. Don’t want to make your headache worse,” Buck softly spoke, all the while his hands continued to circulate pressure on his scalp.

Eddie let out an aborted moan at the pressure, stopping short as his eyes flickered to Hen. She bit her lip, withholding a smile. He averted his eyes, instead choosing to stare at his hands that he had clasped between his outstretched legs. 

Buck continued massaging his head and tranquility moved within Eddie’s body. His headache was a steady presence, but it was slowly easing up its painful throb. Buck's thumb pressed at the back of Eddie’s ear and he tilted his head to the side, effectively making his head loll over on Buck’s thigh. 

It was very comfortable. His mind brought him to the petulant statement that Buck had made in regard to his lap being comfortable. With all the workouts he had been doing, Buck did have a sturdy resting spot for Eddie to lay down on. He shocked himself back up, blinking at the impulsive thought. 

“Relax. You’re too tense. You’re going to erase any progress I’ve made with the way you keep tensing up,” Buck alerted. 

“I’m not tense,” Eddie argued. 

Buck glided his fingers off his head and pressed down more firmly on his shoulders, nearly leaving indents in his skin. Eddie hissed at the pressure, turning to stare at Buck. He stared back, raising an eyebrow as if that made his point. 

Narrowing his eyes at him, he tried loosening his posture. Buck gave a noncommittal hum in the back of his throat as he resumed flexing his fingers against his scalp. It was comforting and with each precise point of pressure from Buck’s touch. Eddie sank further to the floor only held up by his back pressed between the couch and Buck’s legs. 

Sleepily, his eyelids would be slow to close and then quickly spring open. It happened a few more times, until he couldn’t remember why he was trying so hard to stay awake. It was like the threat of a headache was the only thing keeping him alert and awake. 

His head tilted backward, face slightly tilted against Buck’s stomach. He grumbled as his face was moved from Buck uproariously laughing at something someone had said. Apologetically, he soothed Eddie as he sat back a bit further in his own spot on the couch and pulled Eddie further into his embrace. 

He awoke sometime later to his phone vibrating in his back pocket and Buck gently trying to coax him back into a state of consciousness. He ignored both of the interruptions, choosing instead to curl back onto whatever comfortable position he had found. His head settled back on whatever sturdy object he had fallen asleep on. 

“Eddie, someone’s trying to call you,” Buck whispered, pulling his body downward to curl around Eddie’s back. 

Eddie groaned, but still did not want to wake up. He was getting back the time he had lost last night. He wasn’t going to wake up for a call that would be sent to voicemail. Give him ten more minutes of rest and then he would answer whoever was calling. 

The call ended and Buck sighed. By then Buck had stopped massaging Eddie’s head and Eddie wished that he had the excuse of a headache to keep Buck’s hands on him. He would continue to lay pressed between his body, feigning sleep. Buck wouldn’t call him out on it. 

In fact, Buck continued to trail his fingers over the nap of his neck. He lightly scratched the skin there and Eddie had half the mind to lean further into those gentle affections. Sleep began to carry him away again, until his phone started vibrating once more. He should’ve put it on silent. 

“I don’t think whoever is calling you is going to give up anytime soon. Might want to check and see, if it’s important,” Buck suggested. 

Frustratingly, he removed himself from Buck so he could grab his phone out of his back pocket. 

He brought the phone to his face and saw it was once again Samuel calling him. He threw the phone on the couch and put his face in his hands. 

Great. All the work Buck did, to eradicate his headache, flew out the window. He stood up, blinking away the allure of dizziness that was always brought on from the pure relief of his headache depleting. 

He stared at his phone while it continued sounding off. He knew he could reject the call. However, he was worried he would somehow accidentally press answer. He would rather Samuel think he was busy than actively ignoring his calls. Though after the fifth unanswered call, he figured Samuel would have noticed he was being ignored. 

“Has he been calling you a lot?” Buck implored, picking up Eddie’s phone where it had landed beside Buck. 

Eddie nodded, sitting back down by Buck. “Yes. I thought the calls would eventually stop, after I texted him I didn’t want to talk right now. Told him to give me some time, but I think he’s getting restless since he leaves home to Austin in a few more days.”

Buck frowned at the news. “Why don’t you block him?”

“That seems too extreme. I’ll answer him eventually. I just don’t want to talk to him right now,” Eddie explained. “Part of the reason I’m tired is because he called me late last night…or early this morning? I don’t know. It was far too early, before my alarm could even wake me up.”

“Why was he calling you around that time? That’s inconsiderate,” Hen replied. “Surely, he would know that you more than likely had work in the morning. No one should be calling you that late, unless it’s due to an emergency.”

Chimney nodded in assent. “True. Is he usually this pushy?” 

“No,” Eddie shook his head. Eddie stifled the immediate need to defend Samuel against his friend's negative perception of Samuel. 

His point was disproven as his phone began ringing again. This time the call was answered by Buck. Before he was able to snatch his phone from Buck’s tight grasp, Buck was sternly talking into his phone. 

“Hello. No, it’s not Eddie. Obviously. Look, you need to stop calling him. When and if he wants to talk to you, he will do so on his own terms. Stop calling his phone and wasting his battery. No, I will not pass the phone to him. Because Samuel. He doesn’t want to talk to you. The very least you can do is respect his wishes, especially after…I beg your finest fucking pardon? Want to say that again?”

Buck’s frown deepened and his jaw tightened. He stood up angrily, mouth open and ready to let whatever insults or curses fly out of his mouth. Eddie quickly grabbed his phone from Buck and ended the call. He didn’t even take time to bring his attention to Samuel’s own angry voice echoing on his phone’s speaker. 

“Eddie, what’s the address to Samuel’s hotel? Forget it. I can find out from your most recent location,” Buck said, stretching forward to try and grab Eddie’s phone. “He must think I’m playing.”

“Buck, calm down. You’re not about to ditch work to…what? Go find Samuel? Whatever he said, I’m sure he didn’t mean it. Cool down, your face is about to turn the shade of a fire hydrant,” Eddie calmly guided. 

“I’ll calm down the second I’m able to talk to him man to man,” Buck rasped. 

“Man to man? What is this? Some duel to the finish? Buck, stop trying to twist my arm so you can grab my phone. I’m not upset right now. I’m fine. I am perfectly fine ignoring whatever he said. Don’t need to get upset on my behalf.”

“Someone has to,” Buck snapped, before rolling his shoulders back and forcing himself to calm down. “Sorry, my tone isn’t directed to you. Okay?”

“I’m glad to have you want to go into battle for me,” Eddie lightly joked. “But it’s unnecessary. Samuel will stop calling eventually. We’ll wind up talking to one another sometime soon and clear up the air. He’ll realize that soon enough. No need to raise anyone’s temper, okay?”

Buck didn’t appear pleased at the suggestion; however, he followed Eddie’s lead. “I know, but as soon as he speaks all of a sudden I’m irritated.” 

“Don’t let it get to you. He’s always had a keen sense of knowing what to say to push someone close to the edge,” Eddie warned. 

Buck pointedly looked at him, but was interrupted by Hen. 

“What did he say?” Hen questioned, leaning forward in her chair with her elbows on her knees. “There some reason you don’t want to talk to him? I will throw hands, if necessary. Waiting on you to give me the go ahead.”

“Nothing that bears being repeated,” Buck angrily mused. 

For a second he was concerned that Buck would get riled up all over again. Thankfully, he resolutely decided to sit back down. Eddie sat down as well, making sure to put his phone on DND. 

Tension filled the room and Eddie hated that he was the root cause. No one knew what to say to bring the mood back up. All attempts at changing the conversation quickly failed. 

“Everything okay here? You all are being oddly quiet,” Ravi said as he returned from the restroom. “Dang it, why do I always step into tension…ummm guys? What’s wrong?”

“Probie,” Buck winced. “How many times do I have to give you the talk?” 

“What talk? Wait…are you talking about the birds and bees? Buck, it's a little late to give me the talk.”

Immediately the alarm sirens began ringing. 

Everyone looked at him with a threatening glint in their eyes. Meanwhile Eddie’s eyes were thankful, hopefully indicating that he would kiss the very ground Ravi stood on if it weren’t for the way he knew the floors hadn’t been mopped in a while. 

Ravi’s eyes widened, tip toeing to the truck. “Oh, that talk. Ha, my bad.”

Buck shook his head as he watched Ravi try to sneakily walk past him, before he was being pulled by the ear. 

“Ouch, Buck! My ear’s going to turn red. Eddie, tell Buck to stop pulling my ear,” Ravi cried back to him, as Buck continued dragging him to the truck by his ear, all the while once again going over the lesson of saying the word that should never be spoken. 

Eddie skipped to the engine. Sometimes things truly worked in his favor. He was already thinking of getting Ravi one of those fruit gift baskets for the way he saved him from another second of awkward tension and silence. 

The first call of their 24 hour shift was responding to a call at UCLA for the NCA cheer camp. They were led inside to the gym, where a crowd was standing around a group of teenagers. The crowd parted as Bobby led them onto the mat. 

“Oh, thank goodness. You guys show up quick. We were working on a stunt, then one of our flyers fell and it kind of collapsed,” one of the coaches informed. 

Bobby delegated that they should clear off the mat, so he could see who needed to be checked. All of the cheerleaders were mostly fine, with the exception of one flyer who couldn’t stand up. Bobby knelt beside her, checking for any visible injuries before staring at her ankle. 

“Guys, see if anyone else might have twisted anything from the fall,” Bobby said, while working with the flier. “Alright, let’s see what we’re working with.”

Eddie caught a cheerleader trying to limp over to join her teammates. He jogged over to her, stopping her from leaving the mat. He looked down and noticed she was favoring one leg. 

“Mind if I take a long at your leg?” Eddie questioned, already setting down his kit. 

The cheerleader bit her lip, unsure whether to seek help. Eddie motioned that they sit down, helping her stretch her leg out in front of him. 

“My name’s Eddie. What’s yours?” he asked, while he looked at her knee that was beginning to swell. 

“Veronica,” she softly answered, wincing when Eddie touched her knee. “This always happens. My knee pops out sometimes because I have a double jointed knee. I just need some ice.”

Eddie raised a disbelieving eyebrow at her because seeing the way her knee had swelled up, she had to be in a lot of pain or at the very least some extreme discomfort. He knew athletes had a higher pain tolerance, but he didn’t know it was that strong. 

“Alright, Veronica. I’m going to touch your knee to make sure it’s not inflamed. If you feel any sharp discomfort let me know, okay.”

Veronica nodded her head. 

While Eddie provided aid to her, Veronica was listening to Buck who had somehow gotten roped into a conversation with another group of cheerleaders about his relationship status. He could see that the coaches might have been the reason for that conversation. It seemed the cheerleaders were trying to play matchmaker. 

“It’s all good. Relationships can come to a natural conclusion without anyone getting hurt,” Buck said, explaining his break-up.  “I didn’t think mutual breakups happened often. But this time it did. I learn stuff from every relationship, so I can be a better person for the one.” 

“I hope things work out for you,” one coach flirted, twirling their hair. 

“I have a feeling they will. I’m waiting for them to be ready. Good thing is I’ve grown to be really good at being patient,” Buck winked. 

Eddie held back a grimace. Why was Buck telling them about this elusive person, who he wanted to wait for? Eddie wanted the person to hurry up and figure things out, if only so Eddie could see whether or not they deserved Buck. And possibly compare himself in all the ways he was different to the one person that garnered Buck’s love. 

“That’s so beautiful,” Veronica sighed. “Thinking that every person you ever dated, led you to the one you’re supposed to be with forever. Isn’t that sweet Coach Kim?”

Eddie began wrapping her knee with ice as her coach spoke to her. 

“Yes, very sweet. Please stay still for the paramedics, sweetie. What’s the prognosis, doc? Think my girl will be ready to tumble for our routine?”

“With the way her knee is swelling, I don’t think that’s likely. Make sure you keep this iced and wrap it, when you go home. No high kicks, tumbling, or anything like that for a while.”

“Okay,” Veronica said, putting her thumbs up. 

Eddie and Buck moved back to where Bobby was also wrapping up the flyer’s ankle. 

“Thankfully, you only twisted it. Must have landed wrong, when you came down your stunt. What dismount were you practicing?” Bobby asked. 

One of the coaches spoke up, saying, “It was supposed to be a full down, but there was some miscommunication between my flyer and our bases. She decided to do a twist, when we moved from half-up to elevator.”

Bobby nodded as if he understood what the coach was saying. “Oh, okay. Is this your first time practicing or have you done this before?”

The coach shook his head. “No, this is our first time trying it today.”

“Have you all practiced a dismount at this difficulty before?”

“We’ve done cradles and full outs mostly. My team wanted to keep up with the others. Figured we’d try,” the coach winced. 

“You know you need to have more spotters, especially when trying a difficult dismount. And it’s okay, if your cheerleaders aren’t at an advanced level yet. It’s better for them to gradually advance their skills than rushing them which will cause injuries like today.”

“I know,” the coach exclaimed. 

“You all are really lucky she didn’t land on her head,” Bobby replied, finishing up wrapping the flyer’s ankle. “How does that feel?”

The flyer got up and walked around a few steps. “Good!”

“Okay. If that changes at any point, let your coaches know. Don’t rush yourself trying to get back into things. You don’t want to risk further injuring yourself. Right now, it’s good that this only requires ice and to be wrapped. Maybe sit down for the rest of your activities today. Keep weight off your ankle,” Bobby instructed, standing up and putting his tape back into his bag. 

“I will! Thanks so much,” she grinned, waving goodbye to all of them as one of her teammates helped walk her back to their group. 

“Thank you,” the coach also added, before leaving to his cheerleaders. 

“Everything good? Nobody needed a ride to the hospital,” Bobby asked them. They all shook their heads. “Okay, good. Let’s head out.” 

“How did you know all that about cheer stunts?” Hen questioned, as they began walking out of the gym. “Watched too many Bring It On films?” 

Bobby shook his head, opening the door to the truck. “No, I was a cheerleader.”

“You cheered too?” Buck quizzically noted. 

“Yes, I was a collegiate cheerleader,” Bobby boasted. “One of the best back in my day, if I do say so myself.”

“Figure skater and cheerleader…” Buck exclaimed. “What made you want to be a cheerleader?”

“The scholarship. Plus there was a pretty girl on the cheer squad that I had my eye on,” Bobby smirked, hinting at how he met his first wife. 

Once reaching the truck, Eddie noticed Buck fidgeting in his seat, fingers tapping erratically on his knee. He bounced his leg then leaned forward sighing loudly. Eddie knew Buck well enough to realize Buck was hungry. Any time he got restless and began biting at the inside of his cheek, Eddie knew he needed a snack. Usually, Buck would have brought something with him to snack on in between calls. But between helping Eddie with his headache and pulling Ravi to the engine, he didn't get the chance to grab one. 

Eddie always carried extra snacks on him just in case this happened. Sometimes Buck got distracted. And if Buck didn't need the snacks, Eddie saved them for later. 

He placed his hands under his seat, searching for the Ziploc bag he had hidden there. Inside were two granola bars and an orange. He made quick work of peeling the orange, then handed it to Buck. 

"Here," Eddie said, handing him the peeled orange and two granola bars. 

Buck looked at him appreciatively, smile stretching across his face. "Thanks. Forget to pack a snack, before we left."

Eddie leaned back in his chair, happy that he could help Buck. He looked up, flushing brightly at Hen's smirk. She playfully rolled her eyes at him, but didn't say anything. Eddie turned away to face Chimney, who went back to asking Bobby about his cheer days. 

“Between you, Buck, and Ravi I swear you all could write a book with all of your different journeys. Make me some money. I’ll be your agent,” Chimney replied, as they began driving off. 

The three of them began seeing who had the most adventures and interest changes, before coming to the 118. Buck was in the lead, but Ravi was close behind him. Eddie sat back and listened as they headed to their next call.

When they arrived at their next call, Bobby swiftly gave them their orders. Other stations were checking cars and pedestrians affected by a car crash, leading to a five car pile up. Eddie hoped that none of the civilians faced any life sustaining injuries as they walked down the busy street. 

Multiple bystanders idly stood outside the stores and restaurants. He knew people had an affinity to have this warped desire to see an accident. However, he did not appreciate the instinctive way they took out their phones to film what may be the worst day of someone’s life. He wanted to step on the sidewalks leading to the pedestrians and rip each and every one of their phones from their hands. 

The thought escaped his mind as he heard someone’s alarming cries for help. Buck stared at him and they both took off, ears trained to the panicked voice. Eddie and Buck weaved in between the cars, heading in the direction of the person’s cries. 

Dark gray clouds loomed over them, casting a heavy darkness. The wind picked up, pushing at Eddie’s chest. Debris filtered in the wind.  Stray papers caressed his face as they floated in the air. 

The person’s cries grew more frantic. Eddie and Buck quickened their pace which had been slowed down due to the strong winds. 

“I’ve been trying to get someone’s attention forever. These stupid cars are blocking the street and I can’t move her by myself,” the man worriedly stressed, running to meet Buck and Eddie halfway. “What happened? We stepped outside the restaurant and came out to this mess.”

“Accident on Seguin and Maine caused a car pile up,” Buck explained. “Were you two involved in the accident?”

The man shook his head, nervously biting at his nails. “No. We were walking to our car, when she passed out. We didn’t even make it to our car.”

“Okay,” Buck nodded. “Has she passed out before?”

“Yes, she has POTS. She was fine all day, but then she said she started feeling hot. I knew she was going to have an episode, but she said she didn’t need an ambulance. She said she’d be fine. I asked if she felt her heart rate increase and she said no. I should’ve known she was lying. She was doing too much today,” the man stuttered. 

“Okay, how long has she been down?” Buck questioned, kneeling down. 

The man looked down at his watch. “Fifteen minutes. That’s bad. Isn’t it? She’s never been down this long. I think I’m going to be sick. This was supposed to be a good day. We had plans to meet up with the rest of her family. Now we’re stuck and she’s passed out. And I can’t-”

“Hey, what's both of your names?” Buck asked, trying to shorten the man’s descent into panic. 

“Umm, I’m Marty and she’s Nema,” he explained. “I can’t believe this is happening on the day I finally gathered the courage to propose.”

“Oh, congratulations,” Buck said, noticing for the first time the sparkling ring on Nema’s wedding finger. 

“Thanks,” Marty choked out. 

“Any other preexisting conditions we should know of?" Buck questioned. 

Eddie stood still as his eyes fell to the woman’s body lying on the floor. He hated how his mind flashed back to Shannon’s body lying on the street. 

“Eddie, some help here,” Buck said, from where he was already looking at the woman. 

“Yeah, right. Sorry,” Eddie apologized, clearing the image from his head. 

“You good?”

Eddie nodded his head, bending down to check Nema’s temperature. 

“We need to get her temperature down, she’s burning up. Here switch with me real quick,” Eddie said, kneeling down to where Buck was. “Hold up her legs and I’m going to put some ice packs on her neck and wrists to see if we can get this temperature down. Any chance you have a fan or something like that on you Marty?”

Buck held her arms up testing to see if at any time she was responsive. Eddie stared as Nema couldn’t manage to squeeze his hands. While also checking for responsiveness, he began checking her pulse even though Nema had her watch showing her heart rate. 

Marty shook his head, eyes filling with tears. “No, I didn’t think of that. I only carry some Vitassium soft chews, but she’s not awake to take them. I have some Pedialyte and NormaLyte all in this bag. I was going to get her to take some, but then she became unconscious.”

“You’re really prepared,” Eddie applauded, reaching over into his med kit and grabbing a cold pack. He placed it on Nema’s neck, hoping to cool down her temperature. “That’s good.”

“I have to be. She’s my girlfriend…well fiancé now. I need to be able to take care of her. I know how to handle her episodes. I took classes, researched, and did everything I was supposed to do. This is different because she still hasn’t woken up. Why hasn’t she woken up? It’s my fault, isn't it? I should've been more prepared.”

“No, don’t think that. Sometimes even taking all the preventative measures you possibly can, situations like this can still sneak up on you,” Buck calmed. “How long are her episodes usually?”

“Ten minutes at the most,” he said. “I always time her episodes. This is the longest she’s been out.”

“Alright, Nema. We’re right here with you,” Eddie said, beginning to give her a sternum rub and check her breathing with the hand he wasn’t using to cool her down with the ice pack. 

“There you go, Nema. You’re okay,” Eddie smiled, as her eyes blinked open. “You did so good.”

Buck gently guided her legs down and started to place more ice packs under her arms. Eddie gave her a few more minutes, until he helped her to sit up. Marty caught her in a hug, murmuring assurances as she confusedly stared at them all. She began crying, more than likely upset at the state of disorientation she awoke to. 

“You’re alright, Nema. Man, our engagement story is definitely going to be an interesting one. Everyone’s back at home, waiting to congratulate us. Think they’ll mind us coming a bit late?” Marty joked, voice dipping with emotion. 

Nema hummed, rolling her head onto Marty’s chest. 

“Any updates on the ambulance?” Eddie asked Buck, while he moved away to grab Marty’s bag full of the drinks and snacks needed for Nema’s recovery. 

“Nobody has said anything on the radio. I’m assuming they’re still dealing with getting these cars out of the way or they're busy transporting victims to the hospital. If Nema is stable enough, we could walk her back to ours?” Buck suggested. 

Eddie reached into Marty’s bag and pulled out the PediaLyte and pretzels that he had packed in there. She finished her bag of pretzels and held out her hand for her drink. He was handing it to Nema for her to drink, but the bottle slipped from her hands. 

“Yeah, if we stay here we might have a longer wait. I want to make sure Nema gets checked out as soon as possible, since she was down for a longer time. She’ll probably need-”

All of a sudden Nema started seizing in Marty’s hold. His arms tightened reflexively, eyes widening in fear. 

“What’s happening?” Marty croaked. 

Eddie moved to them, gently pushing Marty out of the way. He guided Nema on her side, saliva dribbling down her mouth and onto the sidewalk. Eddie looked up at Buck, both confused at the sudden switch. Buck called into his radio, checking the ETA of the other paramedics that were supposed to meet them. They were going to need that ambulance now. Walking was no longer an option. 

Eddie set a timer on his watch, maintaining his entire focus on Nema. 

Eddie looked up briefly, to see that no ambulance was making their way toward them. There weren’t even sirens to alert them that they were trying at that point. 

Nema’s body continued jerking, hands cramping into a stiff position. Eddie began to unloosen the collar of her shirt to help her breathe better. 

“They’re still trying to move the cars. It’ll be a while before an ambulance can get through,” Buck tried calmly explaining. “But we’re going to do everything we can, until they can get here. I’m going to run over there and try to get them to see our state of urgency. Will you be okay for a minute?”

“Yes, hurry,” Eddie said as Buck ran back in the crowd of bystanders and cars. 

“What’s happening?” Marty asked, trying to push at Eddie. 

“Marty, I’m going to need you to step away a few feet so I can take care of your fiancé. Can you do that for me?” Eddie asked. 

“Yeah,” Marty trembled. “Sorry. Just…she’s my entire life. I need you to help her.”

“I will. I promise you. She is going to be fine,” Eddie vowed, though he knew he should never make promises like those. He didn’t have the right to make such vows. But he couldn’t think the world would be so cruel as to have Marty lose Nema so soon. They had their entire lives to look forward to. 

The world wouldn’t do this to someone else. 

Eddie’s hands ran through her hair, checking for any physical abruptions. His hand caught on a small bump on the back of her head. He pushed some of her hair away, looking at the small wound that looked to be only a day old from the way the wound had already begun coagulating. 

“Has she fallen any other time that you’re aware of? Has she experienced vision loss or confusion these past few days?” he asked, going down the list of concussion signs. 

“I don’t know. I don’t know,” Marty cried. “She might have mentioned hitting her head on the car door. She’s clumsy. It happens to her all the time.”

“Okay, try taking a few calming breaths there Marty. Don’t want you passing out as well,” Eddie commented. 

Marty ignored Eddie and continued to spiral, hands pulling at his hair. Then Nema stopped breathing, eyes rolling all the way back to her head and increasing both Marty and Eddie’s level of panic. Then she went still. 

“What’s happening? Why isn’t she breathing?” Marty wailed, pushing at Eddie’s shoulder. “Why isn’t she breathing?”

Eddie shoved Marty away, mentally apologizing for his roughness. But right now he was being a distraction — a distraction that Eddie couldn’t afford to pay attention to. Nema would not die here on this sidewalk. She would live a very happy and long life with Marty. 

She would not die here. 

Eddie was not going to let her die. 

He checked her breathing and pulse, not happy with his findings. He began chest compressions, stopping to check if her breathing resumed. It hadn’t. 

Eddie tensed. “Come on Nema.”

“Help her,” Marty shouted. “You promised she would be okay!”

Nema continued being unable to breathe.  

The wind picked up as if mocking Eddie and Nema. It was as though it was telling them that they had all the air in the world and were electing not to give Nema a fraction of that blessed air. Full of anger, Eddie pressed down on Nema’s chest again and again, willing her body to wake up if only to prove to those tumultuous winds that she was more than deserving of the blessing to simply breathe. 

“Breathe Nema,” Eddie commanded, ear lowering to catch any wheeze. “Breath, damn it. Don’t do this.”

“Eddie…”

“Come on,” Eddie shouted, voice whirring in the wind like thunder. 

“Eddie…”

“Nema, breathe,” Eddie yelled, breathing once more into her lips. 

“Eddie…”

Eddie knocked his shoulder back into Buck’s chest, hearing his punched out gasp. He would apologize later. 

“Come on, don’t do this to me…to your fiancé,” he corrected. “Don’t do this to him.”

You can have my life, I swear to you. It can be yours. My life can be yours. I’ll exchange my life for hers. Please, take mine instead, he pleaded with Death. 

His body shook with all the exertion used to help Nema. Her eyes stared unblinking at the sky. Eddie turned his eyes away from her glazed ones and back to his hands where they were steadily and tightly pressing against her chest. He could feel ribs shifting to accommodate the pressure. 

Take my life. It’s yours to have, he beseechingly appealed, hoping Death turned its ear to him. It’s yours to have. Please. I offer you my life in exchange for hers. 

Distantly, he heard sirens grow closer to them. He could hear the paramedics jump out of the ambulance and head toward them. He ignored their presence. Nema was his to save. He had promised Marty. 

He swung back as Buck grabbed ahold of him, pulling him away from Nema. He fought with him as his elbow caught Buck in his side. 

He dropped back to Nema, hands going to her chest. He couldn’t stop. He would not stop, until she started breathing. Why didn’t Buck understand that? He recoiled as the other paramedics tried to get him to move. 

“Eddie, you have to let them do their job. We’ve done all that we can,” Buck said, lowering himself down to match Eddie’s eyes. “Eddie, you have to let her go.”

“I can’t. I can’t let her go,” Eddie begged. “Buck.”

“I know you can’t, but you have to. Eddie, you need to let her go,” Buck said, reaching his hands underneath Eddie’s to pull him away from Nema. “Let them take her. They’ll help her, okay. You’ve done all that you can. It’s time for someone else to step in and help her now.”

Eddie’s hands fell from her chest as the other paramedics swooped in. 

“No, no. What are you doing? Why did you stop?” Marty fretted. “You said you were going to help her. You can’t leave her with them.”

Eddie shakily stood up, only held up by Buck’s tight hold around his shoulders. Eddie stepped forward, depicting a sign of strength he didn’t have. Buck’s hands slipped from his back and hung in the space between them. 

“The paramedics need to transport her to the hospital,” Eddie explained. “They will be able to tell you more, if you follow them.”

“What you’re saying isn’t making sense. You said she’d be fine. She woke up and she was becoming alert. What happened? Why didn’t she look alive? You said you would help her,” Marty agonized, fists going to hit Eddie's chest. “Why isn’t she breathing? You promised me that she’d be fine. You promised.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Eddie apologized, voice catching on his words. “I’m sorry, Marty. I truly am.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that shit to me. She’s not dead. Go back there. Tell them you still need to save her. Go back! Tell them to bring her back,” Marty breathlessly panted. 

“I’m sorry,” Eddie apologized once more, eyes over Marty’s shoulder and on Nema who was being loaded into the ambulance. 

Marty continued to hit him and Eddie took it all in. It hurt of course it did, but he wouldn’t deny Marty this chance to get all his pain out. Eddie would suffer through it all. 

“Sir, are you coming?” one of the paramedics called out, holding the door open for Marty. 

Marty’s fists fell from Eddie’s chest. He stepped away, angrily wiping away his tears. 

“If she dies, I hope you never know peace,” Marty seethed, running to hop into the ambulance. 

The doors closed and the ambulance sped away.

The sirens didn’t turn on.

Eddie nearly collapsed to the floor, welcoming the way the gravel would scrape his knees. Buck walked beside him and rested his hand on his shoulder. 

“He doesn’t mean that, Eddie. You know how people act out due to grief,” Buck clarified. 

“Grief?” he hoarsely repeated. 

“Wait, no. Not that he’ll be grieving. Just you know…dealing with a difficult situation can heighten emotions. He didn’t mean what he said. He’ll wish he hadn’t said it, as soon as Nema recovers. I promise you.”

“We shouldn’t make it a job of making promises,” Eddie bitterly replied. 

“Eddie-”

“We need to go see, if anybody else needs our help,” Eddie reported, putting things back into his kit and moving through the other cars. 

Eddie and Buck continued working through the crowd, attending to different victims. Others had already been checked over and transported to the hospital. Eventually, the traffic cleared up and all the bystanders resumed whatever they had been doing before watching the incidents in awe. 

Everyone drove away heading back to their stations or another call. Eddie walked to the engine, not talking to anyone. He didn’t want to give a debrief. He buckled himself in his seat and closed his eyes. He didn’t open them until they arrived back at their station. 

As they tried sweeping off the events of that call, they began making a quick snack, seeing as though it was still too early for lunch. Eddie sat down, hands hard at work to appear normal. He took a bite of his granola bar even though it tasted like ash on his tongue. 

He placed the wrapper of his granola bar into the trash can and headed to the bunk room. Unfortunately, it was occupied by a few other people on their shift. He chose a bunk closest to the back of the room and sat upright, body taut with tension. 

Buck followed him not even a second later, sitting directly by Eddie. 

“Let me see,” Buck insisted, holding out a bag of ice. 

“See what?”

Buck raised an unimpressed eyebrow at him, jerking his chin to Eddie’s chest. 

“Those were kitten licks,” Eddie promised. “Didn’t even hurt.”

“That’s why do you keep rubbing at your chest? Let me check you over or at least get Hen to look. I’m not going to let this go. The faster you let me check you over, the faster we can be done.” 

Eddie unbuttoned his shirt, the sleeves falling off his shoulder. 

“These are not kitten licks, Eddie. You should have pulled him off earlier,” Buck said, going to press the bag of ice over Eddie’s chest. 

“It’s okay. He was hurting and needed someone to fight against,” Eddie said in defense of Marty.

“Doesn’t give him a reason to hit you,” Buck disagreed. He shifted closer to Eddie in order to make sure the ice was meeting every point where Eddie was bruised. 

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” Buck frowned. “I asked one of the paramedics on scene to pass on any news about Nema.”  

“She’s dead isn’t she?” Eddie hesitantly questioned. 

“No, Eddie. She’s alive. They were able to get a pulse on the way to the hospital. She’s recovering. They said you gave her a fighting chance. You did good. She’s going to be fine,” Buck tiredly smiled at him. 

“Good, that’s good,” Eddie stated. 

“Eddie?”

“That’s really good,” Eddie grinned, laughing at the relief. He took the ice bag from Buck, so he could hold it himself. He leaned backwards on the bunk bed, staring happily at the ceiling. 

Death had accepted his exchange. He smiled deliriously, wondering when it would take him. Finally, he would be able to give back what was never promised to him. Buck stared at him with deep-rooted concern, but he didn’t have the chance to unpack it because the alarm went off again. 

Eddie was already exhausted and it was still the early stages of their shift. He should at least be thankful for the short reprieve and the chance to grab a quick snack. And he had a renewed source of energy, after hearing that Nema had woken up and was on her way to a healthy recovery. 

He stood up, holding his hand out for Buck to grab. Buck placed his hand in his and stood up. He threw away the bag of ice and buttoned his shirt back up as they exited the bunk room, so they could meet the others. 

On the way to their next call, all of them were stating how they hoped this call would go smoothly. 

“I really need this call to be a cat stuck in a tree or something equally mundane,” Hen sighed. 

“Ravi, you are never able to say that forbidden word ever again,” Chimney tiredly stated. “Seriously, I'm not kidding. Act as if you’ve never heard the word.”

“Erasing it from my dictionary,” Ravi promised. 

The rest of the ride was quiet as they headed to a wedding venue where their next call would be. They arrived there within thirty minutes and had to wait for the gates to open. Their truck pulled up in front of the venue, a person already standing outside to meet them. 

“Hi, I’m Julie the maid of honor,” the bridesmaid introduced as she led them inside. “I don’t know what happened. We were getting ready for the wedding rehearsal and everyone started dropping like flies.”

She led them to an outside garden where several chairs were lined up. Many people were scattered outside, some choosing to lie down in the grass. The bride ran up to them, busy sobbing into her napkin. 

“I think I accidentally gave them food poisoning. My caterer canceled on me at the last minute and I decided to pick up some lunch from this small diner. I didn’t think that it would be a problem. How long does food poisoning last? My wedding is in two days,” she cried, looking at all of her party. 

Bobby continued to talk to the bride as the rest of them went to check on her bridesmaids. 

Eddie sat down by one bridesmaid, who was holding a water bottle to her face. “How are you doing?”

“I think I’m dying,” she groaned. “As soon as I think the pain has passed another cramp hits. I think I’m going to be sick.”

“Did everyone eat what you had catered?” Bobby asked the bride. 

“No, just the bridesmaids. My fiancé and his groomsmen ate something else. Oh, and Julie had to run an errand, so she didn’t eat with us. She’s probably thanking her lucky stars that I asked her to see if my fiancés’ suit was ready at the cleaner’s,” she sniffed, then ran over to the trash can expelling everything that would come up. 

She slumped down to the floor, forehead pressed on the trashcan. She began sobbing earnestly as all of her bridesmaids continued either running to the trash can, to the restroom, or stayed laying down on the grass. 

“My wedding is over,” she sobbed. “I won’t be able to get married. All that work down the drain.”

Her maid of honor tried calming her down. “Octavia, your wedding isn’t over. I assure you these fine firefighters are going to suggest an IV drip or lots of liquids or something. It will pass. I’ve had food poisoning many times before. And look everyone mostly looks fine. We didn’t need to call 911. You’ve spent so much time on your dream wedding. Food is not going to mess things up.”

Octavia looked up at her, sniffing. “Really?”

“Really. Most of them seem to be on the mend. It will be worked out of their system in no time,” Julie helpfully told her. 

Octavia was about to say something in response, until a voice called her name. Her head swiveled in the direction of her name, face gaining color at the sight of whoever called for her. 

“Vi, what happened?” a man, who Eddie assumed was the groom, questioned. 

“Caterer canceled and I ordered food from some local diner. Didn’t agree with any of our stomachs,” Octavia addressed. 

Eddie looked up from where he was helping one of her bridesmaids. The groom looked to be at least two times older than Octavia, who appeared to be in her early 20s. There was a strange inkling of familiarity in the man’s face. The groom turned to him, head tilting to the side like he was trying to place where he might have seen Eddie before. 

One bridesmaid gulped down the rest of the water in her bottle and threw it to the side. “Definitely didn’t agree with our stomachs. At least I don’t feel nauseous anymore.”

“We need to get you all out of this heat. That could also cause you all to feel worse,” Eddie said, pulling the bridesmaid that he was helping to her feet. 

Bobby agreed with him as they moved the rest of the wedding party inside. 

“Where’s your family?” Octavia questioned, as they went inside. 

“They were grabbing the rest of the decorations. They’ll be in here shortly,” he explained. 

Bobby was leaving them with instructions on how to treat their food poisoning. The rest of the party was getting ready to go back to their hotel and hopefully sleep it off. Eddie was turning to leave and follow them back outside to their truck, when he heard his name being called. 

“Eddie?” an older man’s voice called out. “It is you! Eddie Diaz. It’s been so long. How have you been, son?”

Eddie stiffened as he turned around, already knowing who to expect. “Mr. Williamson. Nice to see you. I’ve been good. And you?”

Mr. Williamson smiled. “Can’t complain. Been busy with all these wedding festivities, which I don’t quite see the point of. It’s Seth’s fifth marriage, but Vi’s first. So we’re trying to make it special. Fingers crossed this one lasts. Do you remember Seth?”

Eddie shook his head. If he had remembered that Octavia’s groom was a Williamson, he would’ve ran back to the engine and lied to Bobby about feeling sick. 

“Makes sense. He was never around, when you all were kids. Man, it is crazy to see you all grown up. The years went by so fast.”

“They did. Well, if you excuse me I have to go. My team is getting ready to leave. Tell everyone I said hello,” Eddie said, beginning to follow Hen who was suspiciously watching the interaction.

“Wait! You have to stay around for a bit, so my wife can say hi. Oh, and Samuel! You have to see him. He's actually been down here, for work for a few weeks. He’d love to see you again. He was right behind me.”

“I really have to head back-”

“Georgia! Guess, who I just ran into!” Mr. Williamson shouted as the rest of his family came in, carrying the rest of the wedding decoration. 

“Eddie! Oh, what a sight for sore eyes you are. It’s been so long,” Mrs. Williamson smiled, while putting her box of decorations on one of the tables. “You have grown up to be such a handsome young man.” 

“Thank you,” he said, reluctantly hugging her as she threw her arms around him. 

“My what a small word this is,” Mrs. Williamson chortled, hand slapping Mr. Williamson’s chest. “Who would’ve thought we all would run into each other, after all these years. Samuel, honey! Come say hi to Eddie.”

Eddie clenched his jaw so hard, he thought his jaw might pop. Samuel walked over toward them, expression tightening once he saw Eddie standing by his parents. 

“Hi, Eddie,” Samuel rasped, reaching out and then thinking otherwise. His hand dropped to his side. 

“Hasn’t Eddie grown up to be so handsome! You know I was so sad, when I found out you two didn’t keep in touch. Literally, thought you two were the thickest of thieves and maybe something more,” Mrs. Williamson rambled.  

“Mom,” Samuel sharply hissed. 

Mrs. Williamson waved him off. “Oh, don’t worry dear. What’s a friend, if not someone to have romantic rumors with? People always thought me and my best friend had some sordid relationship in college. Sorry, I tend to get off track a bit. How’s your mom and dad been? I’ve tried to keep up with them, after we moved to Arizona. But you know you can’t tell much from facebook.” 

Eddie’s jaw clenched, eyes shooting to Samuel then back at Mrs. Williamson. 

“They’re good. Dad retired recently, so that’s been an adjustment.”

“I can imagine. Work was that man’s life. Work and his family were almost tied. You know I always admired how he managed his work and household. I mean look at you,” Mr. Williamson proudly exclaimed. 

Samuel looked at him discerningly as Eddie resolved to keep his eyes on Mr. Williamson. 

“You are the perfect result of good parenting. Ramon and Helena did such a good job with you kids. I mean look at you, with your silver star. Sophia is a lawyer. Adriana graduated from Julliard. Your parents must be extremely proud of you all,” Mr. Williamson further added. 

“Oh, yes. There were so many times I asked your parents for advice. Our children didn’t really take to that style of parenting, so we had to give up,” Mrs. Williamson giggled. “But if we had stuck with it, who knows how our kids would have come out. They might have been splendidly perfect and successful like you and your sisters. I mean look at our children. We have one son in his near 60s marrying a girl young enough to be my granddaughter. Clearly we screwed up in the parenting department.”

“Truthfully, I admire your dad so much. Kids need a firm and strong hand, when they’re being raised. Otherwise they tend to rebel,” Mr. Williamson said, eyes cutting to Samuel before staring back at Eddie. 

Was Mr. Williamson using him as the ideal image of a son? Was he placing him on a pedestal for Samuel to admire and strive toward?

“I’m in no way perfect. Did my own fair share of rebelling. After all I did get a girl pregnant, my senior year of high school,” Eddie kindly snapped, eyes pointing daggers to Samuel. 

“Yes, well we all make our mistakes,” Mrs. Williamson inserted. “Or have an oopsie baby. Seth was our oopsie baby. Had him my first year of college.” 

“Christopher isn’t a mistake,” Eddie viciously defended. “Christopher is the greatest blessing that I have ever received.”

Mr. Williamson didn’t take it to heart, choosing to smile. “See this is again a byproduct of perfect parenting. You own up to these mistakes and make things better. You learned from everything. You know, when your dad told me that sometimes you had to push limits, for lessons to be learned. I disagreed. But clearly it worked. Bet you’re a great dad. Makes sense you had the perfect dad to learn from.” 

His eyes met Samuel, who stood a few feet behind Mr. Williamson. Perfect parenting? He could excuse them not knowing what his parents did to him, but Samuel? Samuel knew how much he suffered under his dad’s discipline. And he didn’t say anything. He didn’t seek to correct their misguided perception. 

“Isn’t that right, Samuel?” Mr. Williamson implored. 

Eddie waited for his response. 

“Sorry?” Samuel apologized, waiting for his dad to repeat what he had just said. 

“That Ramon was the perfect dad to look up to given how good of a man Eddie grew up to be,” Mr. Williamson praised. 

“Yes, Eddie grew up to be a really good man,” Samuel agreed. 

“I bet you thank your parents every day for steering you on the right track,” Mr. Williamson grinned. 

Eddie’s throat closed up, barely managing to say, “Yes, sir. I thank him all the time.”

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but we really have to go,” Hen said, stepping in front of Eddie. “Come on, we have another call to head to.”

They probably didn’t, but he appreciated Hen’s assistance. Eddie didn’t say goodbye as he was led outside. 

“You okay?” Hen kindly asked. 

“I’ll be okay as soon as we drive off and get everyone from everyone with the last name Williamson,” Eddie stated. 

“Eddie! Eddie, hold on. Can you please talk to me for a second?” Samuel called out, rushing after him.

“Damn it,” Eddie groaned.

“Keep walking. We’re almost to the truck,” Hen motioned. 

By then Samuel’s shouts had grabbed the attention of everyone else. Buck leaned against the truck, crossing his arms as Eddie made his way to them. Eddie was only a few steps away from reaching the truck, when Samuel’s fingers curled around his elbow. 

Buck managed to cross the distance in three easy strides, standing directly in front of Samuel. Samuel removed his hands from Eddie, taking a step back. 

“Calm down, Rambo. I just want to talk to Eddie for a second,” Samuel said. 

“Well, Eddie doesn’t want to talk to you.”

“Eddie can tell me that himself.”

“I think the unanswered text messages and phone calls are enough to tell you that,” Buck bit back. 

Samuel scowled at him. “Eddie, we need to talk.”

“I’m not doing this right now. I’m at work,” Eddie exclaimed. 

“Then when? Why won’t you talk to me?”

“Because I don’t want to hear another apology that you don’t mean. Because what was that in there? Huh?” Eddie questioned, not looking back at him as he walked to the truck. 

Samuel scrunched up his nose. “Eddie, come on they didn’t mean anything by it.”

“I could care less about what they said. I cared about what you said in response to them,” Eddie exclaimed, turning back to face him. “You agreed that my dad was the perfect parent, when you know…you know all the ways in which he wasn’t. Do you really believe that I’m the man I am today because of my parent’s discipline?”

Samuel looked to the side and then faced Eddie. “In a lot of ways, yes. Can you say that you aren’t?” 

Eddie took a step back. “Right.”

“I get you’re in front of your co-workers, but can you at least stop walking away, when I’m talking. I’m trying to be an adult about this and communicate with you,” Samuel roused. 

“I have already told you that I am at work. You don’t see me coming to your job and being unprofessional. Besides there’s nothing more I want to say to you or hear from you,” Eddie replied. 

“Eddie, stop being difficult.”

“I’m not being difficult. Can’t you see that you’re the one making things more difficult than they have to be? All I needed was time, before I reached out. But you keep pushing. Stop pushing me to work on your timeline. I don’t want to talk to you.”

“When will you be ready to talk?”

“I don’t know, Samuel,” he angrily shouted. “Certainly, not know. Because as I have to remind you yet again I am at work.”

“Then after work? I leave in a few days, Eddie.”

“I’m well aware of that.”

“Are you going to talk to me before I leave? Can you at least tell me that?”

Eddie remained silent. 

“I gave you a few days of space, but don’t you think that’s enough? Aren’t we adults who can talk things through,” Samuel said, walking closer and putting his hands on Eddie’s arm. 

“Back up,” Buck warned, pushing at Samuel’s shoulder. “It’d be advisable that you go back into the venue where you might actually be needed.”

Bobby stepped in front of them as well. “I have a direct call to a police officer who would love to hear you’re harassing a firefighter. Keep talking and trying to get close to Eddie. I dare you.”

“Eddie, tell them to calm down. It’s not that serious. I only want to talk,” Samuel said, trying to catch his eyes. 

Samuel stared at the line of defense the 118 was making around Eddie.

He continued walking to the truck, helped by all of them blocking Samuel’s path. Buck helped him into the truck, sliding into the seat beside him. 

“Eddie, wait. I think you’re misunderstanding things again! Come on, don't be like this! You want to go back to how things were? You want to not talk again for years?” Samuel continued to shout. 

Buck flipped him off as he pulled the door closed. 

Eddie looked at the window, watching as Samuel’s figure became smaller the further they drove away. He looked outside the window, not wanting to meet the stares of his team. He didn’t want to talk about whatever had just happened.

He became one with his thoughts as they continued driving. He tried to settle his mind on something that would divert his attention from what Samuel said, but his thoughts kept circulating back. 

How could he misunderstand things? He had been the one he confided in, when they were still just two kids living in El Paso. Samuel had even witnessed how his dad disciplined him. Why was he acting like this was all in Eddie’s head…like Eddie had no right to be angry, when Mr. Williamson commended his dad’s parenting?

Then he began wondering whether he was right. Did he grow up to be the man that he was, due to his parents' discipline? His mind began sorting through different instances where he was disciplined. There were so many memories to sort through, until he settled on one where Samuel made an appearance.

The whole family was helping Adriana practice for her salsa competition. Eddie was delightfully enjoying watching his dad dance with Adriana. His sister’s laughter filled the whole room, brightening every crevice in the house. 

Adriana bowed as she finished her dance. They all cheered for her. Adriana jumped into their dad’s arms, giggling at the applause.

His dad gently set her back down as he pretended to crack his back. “Don’t know how you all do it. I think my knees popped five different times during the dance.”

“That’s because you’re old,” Adriana hiccupped with breathless laughter as their dad began to mercilessly tickle her. “Stop, you’re not old! You’re super young and cool.”

“Now why’d you have to add cool like it wasn’t implied? I’m going to head off to bed and hope I don’t wake up in the morning unable to move,” his dad said, moving to kiss Adriana on the forehead. “Get some good rest, mija. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow.”

He kissed Sophia on the forehead and then patted Eddie on his shoulder, before heading to his room. 

“Okay, Adriana. It’s time for you to go to sleep. We have to wake up early, so you can make it there on time. Don’t want to run late and miss your check-in,” his mom said, holding Adriana’s hand as they went to her and Sophia’s room. 

Sophia plopped back down on the couch, cheeks flushed from dancing with Adriana. “Our sister is definitely winning that competition. I don’t even know how she moves like that. It was smart for me to bow out of being the dancer in our family. So glad Adriana took on this dream for mom.”

“To be fair Sophia, you were never in the conversation. How many times did you trip at your last dance recital?” Eddie joked. 

“Shut up. You’re just a hater. And like you’re any better. There’s a reason Adriana asked dad to step in as her partner to practice and not you. Anyway, I’m going to sleep. Need to make sure I get all my beauty rest. Who knows who I might see,” Sophia said, flipping her hair over her shoulder. 

“You could sleep an eternity and still not wake up looking any different than the day before,” Eddie sweetly mocked. “All those hours sleeping, wasted.”

“Aww, Eddie. That’s so sweet. You’re saying I’m already perfectly beautiful and stunning. Ah, I have such a sweet brother,” she grinned, throwing him a loud kiss. “Now you, on the other hand, definitely need some beauty rest. I’ll even let you borrow my eye mask because you’re starting to resemble those raccoons that look like they have rabies.”

Eddie threw a couch pillow at her on his way to his room. “Shut up.”

“I’ll leave the eye mask on your pillow,” Sophia cackled as she went to get ready for bed. 

Soon all of the house was asleep, eagerly awaiting the dance competition. Eddie felt someone shake his shoulder. He swatted at the interruption of his sleep. The action persisted and Eddie tore off his eye mask, blinking awake to see Adriana standing over him. 

“Adriana, what are you doing up?”

Adriana played with her hands nervously. “Can you practice with me one more time, please?”

“Adriana? What? It’s…” he turned to his clock, “It’s five in the morning.”

“I know, but I need to practice one more time. I don’t want to wake dad up and you know the routine. Please.”

“Adriana, you know the routine like the back of your hand. You don’t need to practice again,” he said, moving to put the eye mask back over his face. 

Adriana ripped it away, throwing it somewhere in his room. Eddie couldn’t see where it landed, since it was dark, considering it was still nighttime. He wished Adriana remembered how early it was to be awake. 

“I’m nervous. Please, Eddie. Just one more time, then you can go back to sleep,” Adriana asked, trying to pull Eddie out of bed. 

Eddie groaned, but allowed himself to be pulled out of his room. “Only once. Don’t do that whole one more thing that you use on dad. We’re going through it once and then I’m going back to sleep.” 

They went into the living room, where everything had already been pushed toward the wall so Adriana could practice. Sophia was also sitting on the other side of the room as she began to play her music. She looked up at Eddie, both of them sharing a glance at how they’d been woken up by their younger sister. 

“Can we practice the jump?”

“The jump? You and dad never practiced a jump,” Eddie said, looking at Sophia who shook her head. 

“That’s because he would always complain about his back. We would only ever block it. But you're young. You can do it. Please, I need to practice an actual leap. Just catch me. You’re strong. It’s right after you twirl me. I spin out and then you catch me, okay. You’ll know. Just hold your hands out.”

“Adriana-”

“Eddie. Please,” she asked, clasping her hands together and blinking up at him. “Please, Eddie.”

Eddie sighed and bit his lip. “Okay.”

Adriana smiled and turned on the music, lowering the volume so the rest of the house wouldn’t wake up. They ran through the dance and it got to the point for that leap. He spun Adriana out and saw she was running to him for a leap. He was about to catch her, but he saw her foot catch on the rug as she sprung upward to fly into Eddie’s arm. 

He didn’t even have enough time to register the widening of her eyes, before she fell into their glass table pushed against the wall. It was an unnatural silence, before Adriana’s mouth opened in a sharp cry. 

Sophia immediately sprung into action, but Eddie was rooted in his spot. 

Eddie stayed frozen, hands outstretched waiting for Adriana’s hands to grab his once more. He heard the lights flicker on, before light burst into the room. His mom screamed as she took in the way Adriana’s wrist was bent at an awkward angle. 

She turned her eyes to him, yelling, “Edmundo, what did you do?” Adriana continued sobbing, cries growing harsher as his mom tried moving her. “I’m sorry. Oh, sweetie. We’re going to have to go to the hospital. This looks broken.”

“No,” Adriana wailed. “I have a competition. I can’t miss it, mom.”

“You two should have thought about that, before you got up. You won’t be dancing for a while,” his dad announced, looking directly at Eddie. “Helena, go get the car started. Edmundo, go outside and pick a switch.”

Sophia’s eyes widened and she shook her head. “No, it wasn’t Eddie’s fault. It was Adriana’s! She woke us up and told Eddie to help her practice the leap. Eddie didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Helena, take Adriana to the car. Sophia, you go with them. Now,” his dad said.

His mom turned around to put Adriana on her hip. Eddie turned his eyes to his mom, betrayal sitting on the crown of his head as she walked to their car. 

“Edmundo, outside,” his dad grunted. 

Eddie’s body stiffened as he went outside to their backyard. The screen door closed behind him, opening only seconds later when his dad came outside. He went to their large oak tree. He stretched his arms out, breaking apart a branch from the trunk of the tree. 

He held it out to his dad, who threw it to the ground. His dad walked to the tree, breaking off a larger branch. 

“Dad, please. I have baseball tryouts this week,” he pleaded, holding his hands behind his back. 

“Should’ve thought about that before you injured Adriana.”

“I didn’t mean to. It was an accident. Dad, please. I’ll take any punishment, after tryouts. Anything, I swear. I won’t try to get out of it. A week is all I ask for.”

“You think it’d be fair to withhold your punishment for baseball tryouts, when Adriana won’t be able to dance at her competition? Hold out your hands, Edmundo. Don’t make me have to tell you twice,” his dad exclaimed. “The longer you wait, the angrier I’m becoming. Hold out your hands.”

Eddie stood still. 

“Edmundo, hold out your hands!” he shouted, grabbing Eddie’s arm and forcing Eddie’s hands palm up. 

As his dad repeatedly swung the branch down onto the palm of his hands, his eyes traveled past his shoulder. He didn’t know why Samuel was awake. But there he was staring over their shared fence as his dad continued to hit the branch against his hands  

Samuel’s body jerked each time the branch caught his skin. Samuel was the only reason he stayed still. Other times he would have tried pulling his hands away as his father tightly grabbed his wrists to the point a bruise in the shape of fingers would be visible. 

He counted the times the branch came down on his palms. He lost track, after twenty. Eddie could see the way Samuel’s eyes glistened with restrained sadness. For a moment, he wanted Samuel to jump over the fence and somehow get his dad to stop. Then he realized that he would do more harm than good. 

Eddie’s chin jerked back to his dad as he heard thunder crackle in the sky. He didn’t know whether he was hearing the sound of splintered wood hitting his palms or the sound of thunder. 

His dad stopped, dropping the branch to the ground. He left Eddie standing out there without saying a word. He stood still even as the rain began to sprinkle down on him, dampening his white t-shirt. 

Sophia ran out to the backyard, carrying her small pack of Barbie princess band-aids. Eddie studied her as she grabbed her tweezers. 

She pulled out the small splinters that were embedded in his palms. Sophia was a specialist at this, since Adriana always had splinters on her hands from playing on the playground and falling on the ground full of wood chips. She grabbed his palm looking them over and making sure no splinters remained before setting them down.

“It’ll be okay. I’ll keep telling dad it wasn’t your fault. Adriana thinks she can get away with things because she’s still at that cute stage. She knew better than to ask you to practice this late and do a leap that she has never once practiced. Dad will eventually understand and he’ll apologize. He always makes sure to apologize.”

Yeah, to everyone but him. But he didn’t say anything to Sophia as she went back into the house. He didn’t follow her. He knew they would leave him home alone. Adriana was their priority right now. 

He stood there, hands outstretched as he stared at the Barbie princess band-aids. They began to slip off of his hands and fall onto the muddied grass. He kept his head downward, watching his reddened hands swell with heat. They stung and the water was a nice balm. 

His head tilted to the sky, eyes closing shut. The world escaped from him, but Samuel stepped into his bubble. He gathered Eddie in his arms and Eddie resisted, wanting to push at his shoulders. But his hands hurt so badly. 

He didn’t want Samuel there, but he didn’t want to be alone. Samuel slipped his hands into his own and it prickled with pain. His hands tightened as he held them between their faces. He studied them, fingers trailing the lines of his palms. 

He wanted Samuel to tell him what his dad did was unacceptable. He had watched the whole time and the only thing he could do was marvel at the way his hands grew red and collected rain from the sky. 

But Samuel held him and maybe that was all Eddie needed. He rested his head on Samuel’s shoulder, cries hidden in a mixture of rain. Samuel let their hands fall apart as he wrapped himself around Eddie. 

Eddie tightly wrapped his hands in Samuel’s pajama shirt, not minding how the rougher fabric aggravated his hands. Samuel held his chin up and stared at him, in the same manner he did those few days ago as he kissed him for the first time. 

His lips hovered over his and Eddie blinked back the rain in his eyes. His lips parted on an exhaled whisper of Samuel’s name. The brief sanctity of peace was broken, when they heard Mrs. Williamson call out for Samuel. 

“Samuel! Did you see what that noise was?” Mrs. Williamson cried out. “Where did you go? It’s so dark out here. I should’ve grabbed my glasses.”

“It was nothing, mom. Just the wind,” he lied, as he stared back at Eddie. 

It was nothing, but the wind. 

Had he believed that? 

Eddie stepped away, face turning in the other direction. Samuel stared at him, kissing him softly on his cheek and then running back to his house. 

Eddie was again as he once was — alone. He was beginning to prefer it this way. 

The clouds further opened and sent out a torrential downpour. 

He opened his mouth and let the rain pour down his throat. He kept still as the water gathered and poured over his chin. He hoped that the water would fill his lungs and drown him. Maybe then he could find a way to escape his dad’s disappointment.

Buck clung to Eddie and the over-protectiveness increased ten-fold. Usually, Eddie would thrive under the attention. But his watchful gaze and hovering worried him. It worried him that Buck would be close enough to see Eddie's mask slip. 

He had managed to hold things together those first few hours. Then everything with Nema and the Williamsons happened. It was too much for him today and he still hadn't quite managed to forget Shannon's letter, hidden in the jewelry box. 

He would have to get through the remaining hours of this 24 hour shift, pretending that he was okay. It was just becoming very hard to breath with the mask he was wearing. 

He went through the motions, going where Bobby placed him. He helped get a driver out of a car, where a tree had fallen on top of it. 

He followed Hen, paying attention to her instructions as he moved on autopilot. 

He joked around with Chimney, but the laughter was stilted. It’s like someone had programmed a laugh track in his voice nodes. 

He helped Ravi fold the firehose, doing it again when Ravi pointed out he had accidentally done it wrong. 

And in all of that Buck continued to stay by his side with a soft touch to make sure his knees didn’t sink to the floor. He stepped in front of him, making sure he became alert to his surroundings. He stepped in to correctly fold the firehose with Ravi. 

Buck kept looking at him with a gentleness and a sense of revenant care he didn’t deserve. He had held him that odd number of nights ago and Eddie could feel how he had taken too much of Buck’s joy. He could see the bags underneath Buck’s eyes because he knew he wouldn’t sleep, until he was more than positive Eddie had settled into a deep state of unconsciousness. 

His hands started to shake the eighth hour into their shift. 

His knees almost buckled underneath him in the ninth hour of their shift.  

He couldn’t put down any food, when they had time for a quick dinner, during the tenth hour. 

Hour eleven, he found himself staring listlessly as Ravi and Buck tried pulling a construction worker out of a sewage drain. 

At hour twelve, he managed to get a thirty minute nap. 

During hour thirteen, a light shower began drizzling down on them. 

Hour fourteen is when the storm finally broke apart in the sky.