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It was a small moment. Lucy Chen looked across the bull pen at Tim Bradford in the middle of shift, and he offered the kind of soft, adoring smile that his face only learned to form after they started dating. Her chest constricted like her heart would never beat the same way again, and perhaps it never would, because she knew something had changed. She knew she loved him. Not only did she love him, but Lucy was undoubtedly IN LOVE with Tim.
That exact second would have been the wrong time to blurt it out while they were on duty, and no one even knew they were together, so it would most certainly be odd to profess her love for her coworker that she was only secretly dating. Besides, Lucy wanted to treat that kind of step in a relationship with the importance it deserved, so when she went to his house for dinner, she planned to tell him.
As he served food onto their plates, she hunched over to give Kojo a proper belly rub, and when her favorite dog in the world smiled up at her, she swooned, “Oh, I love you so much.” Her lungs stuttered once she said it, and she turned to see Tim looking at her with shock and redness coloring his features. Lucy realized right then that he was not ready to use that sentence with her. It hurt, but it was understandable, so instead of confirming her feelings for both the dog and his owner, she said, “You know Kojo is my favorite Bradford, right?”
“Of course he is,” he responded. “I made you steak and potatoes to woo you, and all you care about is my dog.”
“Woo me? Did you really just say the word ‘woo’?”
“So what if I did?”
Once she stood up to her full height, she took two large steps to stand in his space. “Tim,” Lucy started with as she wrapped her arms around his waist. He hummed to indicate he was listening, so she continued, “You don’t need to woo me. I’m already yours.”
“You sure about that? I think Kojo would disagree.” He jerked his head in the direction of his dog standing at attention and watching her movements carefully.
She cupped his cheek. “Just so that there isn’t any confusion, come here.” Lucy pressed up onto her tip toes to get closer to Tim’s face as quickly as possible before kissing him long and slow. “Yeah, definitely all yours,” she murmured while feeling dizzy from the special way their lips slotted together, because they just FIT.
He gave her a self satisfied smile that felt warranted, since she said she was HIS. “All mine? Does that mean you won’t hang out with Kojo after dinner?”
“Don’t push it.”
Tim snickered. “Fine.” Watching them play together made him happy enough that he only pretended to be bothered by their obvious bond. At least he would have her undivided attention for the duration of dinner. Something marvelous happened when they sat next to each other at his kitchen island as they started eating: she took his hand. Lucy was talking about something so animatedly that she temporarily abandoned her meal and instead held onto him. They had dined together an innumerable amount of times, and he had listened to her launch into countless stories, but never once had she covered his hand with her own while doing it. Perhaps it was such a small act it would be inconsequential to anyone else, but he was reminded that while certain aspects of their relationship like bickering and reading each other’s minds had not changed, one large thing changed: she was his now, and he most certainly adored that shift whenever he was reminded of it.
When he dropped her off at her apartment later, Lucy said, “Thanks for dinner. Have I mentioned how hot it is that you can cook?”
He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear so as not to obstruct his view of her beautiful face for the last moment of the night. “I’ll cook for you whenever you want.”
“Next time, let me do the dishes.”
“I’m not gonna let a guest wash the dishes.”
“But, I’m not a guest. I’m your girlfr-,” she swallowed back the rest of the word in case it was too soon for such a title.
“Yeah, you are.”
Her eyes practically bugged out of her skull. “I am?”
“I’m not dating anyone else.”
“Well, I figured, but…are you…is that…is that okay?”
“More than okay with me. I like that you’re my girlfriend.” He was giddy about using that term to describe her.
“I like that you’re my boyfriend,” she said with a huge smile as all of her organs flipped. Lucy almost said she loves him, but she had just enough self control to keep those words at bay in the moment.
Other times, she struggled keeping those three little words to herself. She resorted to whispering that she loves Tim to Kojo as he was the perfect confidante for such a secret, and when the slobbery, sweet dog was not around, she mumbled it in Cantonese under her breath, because sometimes, Lucy just HAD to say it. When he made her laugh so hard her stomach would ache, when his hands made themselves at home on her body with an ease that brought her so much comfort, when he kissed her until neither had any air left in their lungs, when his eyes bore into hers from afar while they were at work, and even in the midst of some frivolous argument. She never wanted to laugh with anyone else, she never wanted anyone else to touch her, she never wanted anyone else to kiss her, she never wanted anyone else to look at her, and she definitely never wanted to bicker with anyone else for the rest of her life; Lucy only wanted to experience everything with Tim, so how could she not love him? He must have suspected it based on how her eyes, fingers, and lips always lingered on him, taking an extra second to savor him.
Those eight letters always danced on her tongue, and she feared she might burst if she did not tell him. Still, she held back to avoid scaring him. So, when he walked into her apartment using the key he had been given as her boyfriend and grabbed her from behind before pulling her back into his front and burying his face in her hair, Lucy had to resist the urge to say it. “Hi,” was the only word she trust herself to form.
“Morning.” Running over to her place on their day off right after walking Kojo was the earliest he could get to her, since they were not ready to start having sleepovers yet.
“Want some coffee?”
“Sounds good,” he responded before brushing his lips down her cheek to her neck.
“You’re gonna have to let me go.” She was pinned between her kitchen counter and his body.
“Then never mind.” He would rather kiss everywhere he could reach instead.
He found a sensitive spot at the nape of her neck that made her giggle. “Okay, okay, I’m getting coffee now,” she announced in the hopes that he would release her, but Tim’s arms remained wrapped around her, and his mouth continued to travel around on her skin. “Tim!” She squealed.
With a groan of resignation, he let her go unhappily. After she poured each of them a mug of coffee, he was handed one, and it was a poor replacement for her soft, warm skin.
“So, what do you want to do today? Don’t say ‘nothing’.”
“I like doing nothing with you, though.”
“We could go on a hike.”
“Or we could stay on the couch.”
He took one sip of his drink, and then he reverted to holding her with his mug pressing against her back while giving her the sweetest look. All Tim wanted to do was keep her in his arms all day. How could she say “no” to that? Lucy exhaled. “Okay, couch it is. Give me a second to finish going through my mail first.” His arrival had interrupted that mundane activity with his electrifying kisses and warm embrace. She had only one envelope she had yet to open, and based on its silvery grey color and the swirling script of the text on the front, it was clear it was important.
Tim watched her expression as she took the piece of cardstock out of the envelope. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s, uh, it’s a wedding invitation for a friend from college.”
“Do you not want to go?”
“No, no, of course I’m going. Danielle is really great, and I’m so happy she and Kelsey are getting married.”
“Then, what’s the problem?”
“I didn’t say there was a problem.”
“Your face says there is one.”
“Well, I can bring a plus one, but I don’t want to make you come with me to some random wedding.”
“Make me? No, I don’t mind going.”
“You don’t like weddings.”
“I don’t, but I like you. Tell me what to wear and when it is, and I’ll be there.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that,” he confirmed sweetly, because there was not a single universe where he would not accompany her anywhere.
“You really are a great boyfriend.”
“Great? Not the best?”
“That depends.”
Her adorable smirk could only mean one thing, so he took the mugs out of both of their hands and set them aside before lifting her on the counter and standing between her legs.
“I thought you said you wanted to go on the couch,” she pointed out playfully.
“As the best boyfriend you’ve ever had, I can kiss you anywhere.”
“I still haven’t said you’re the best.”
“You will,” he responded confidently and claimed her mouth to prove his point. When he started getting more consumed by her and how they were moving together so perfectly, Tim leaned in and put his hands on the counter on either side of her to steady himself as he stood up taller. Because he was not watching where he was touching, he accidentally swiped next to one of their mugs and sent it to the ground with a crack.
Lucy partially thought she had imagined that sound as her internal thermometer breaking from the heat of his tongue driving her absolutely insane, but when he pulled back, she knew something truly had been broken.
Coffee had spilled out onto the floor, but luckily, the mug seemed fine until he saw the fissure that spanned from the rim to halfway down the side. “I’m sorry,” he apologized then rushed to get paper towels and wipe up the cooling brown liquid.
“It’s okay,” she assured him as she hopped down from the counter to help with the quick clean up.
Tim checked again, and he truly had ruined the cup beyond repair. “No, it’s not. I know how much you love this mug.”
His genuine heartbreak over a chipped ceramic was sweet, but Lucy was quick to soothe him. “I love you more than a mug. It’s no big deal.”
Perhaps fracturing a cup was not a big deal, but her words were.
She could not believe that after taking such great care to keep those eight letters locked inside, they flew out of her mouth without meaning to. His reaction was worse than when he misinterpreted the same words to Kojo. Tim blinked at her with his lips parted. “Babe,” she whispered and put her hands on his biceps. “It’s true. I love you, and I know you don’t want to say it, or you’re not ready, or whatever, so you don’t have to.”
If nothing else, Lucy deserved his honesty. “I-I…I need time.”
“That’s okay. No pressure.”
“You know that I…care about you.” While “love” was hard to say, expressing similar sentiments with different words was easier. In truth, sometimes, he felt that words failed him, because how he felt about her was completely unique from his feelings for anyone else before.
“I do.”
“And that you matter a lot to me.”
“Yes.”
Tim swore under his breath, because he was failing to aptly capture what was in his heart, and it was all coming out so unremarkably when how she made him feel was remarkable and wholly significant.
She shook her head. “I know. Don’t worry about it.” Lucy said that last part for both of them to internalize, because she did not want to worry about their relationship over a few words. And yet, she heard Grey and Luna exchange “I love yous” casually when bidding each other farewell after going to lunch together one day, and after Wes poured Angela a generous glass of wine in their living room one night, she said “Oh God, I love you,” gratefully, and somehow, Lucy even overheard Bailey tell John she loves him after dropping him off at the station at the beginning of a shift. Everyone else could say it, but Tim was unable to, so she held back from telling him how she feels any more times. They had discussed children and plans for the future. They hardly ever spent a night apart. They were constantly reaching for each other to satisfy an endless yearning for one another. His eyes, his actions, and even his hands made it quite clear quite often that he does in fact love her, but his mouth had yet to. So, going to a wedding together, which for all intents and purposes is an entire event centered around celebrating LOVE, could not have come at a worse time, but Lucy and Tim attended Danielle and Kelsey’s wedding. He glanced at her as the brides exchanged vows. He took her hand at some point during the thoughtful toasts. He even asked her to dance. Tim was a perfect date as he lead her onto the dance floor during a slow song and gazed upon her so kindly that her heart swelled.
“I thought you love weddings,” he said as he drew her closer before they started slowly swaying to the music together.
There was that word again. “Love”. “Yeah, weddings are great.”
He pursed his lips when he realized how he had struck the wrong chord with her and yet again used the wrong word. “I shouldn’t have said…I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“You said that already, but you’re clearly worried about it.”
“Tim, I’m trying not to make it a big deal. I know how you feel about me. I guess I didn’t realize how much I want to hear it until you…you wouldn’t.”
“It’s hard for me. For some people, it’s just three words. Just eight letters. But, for me…every time I say it, that person leaves, and if you left me, Lucy…I would never survive, so I can’t say it. I can’t tell you that truth no matter how I feel. Because, I can’t lose you, baby. I would lose my whole world.”
She was taken aback for a second, knocked off her axis after being called his “whole world”. “You’re an idiot,” she murmured fondly. He seemed surprised by her reaction to such a profession, so she elaborated, “You’re an idiot if you think you could lose me. I would never leave you.”
“You can’t know that.”
“I do, because I love you, and-and saying that isn’t as easy as eight letters for me, either. I never felt that way about Chris or, hell, most of the people I’ve been with. I don’t even think I’ve ever actually loved someone before you. Like I’ve said it, and I thought I meant it, but with you…everything’s different, and bigger, and more real with you.”
She shared her emotions so eloquently; he felt similarly about how any feelings for past partners paled in comparison to everything with Lucy.
After waiting for a beat as he seemed to be processing what she said, she spoke again. “Look, I can’t keep telling Kojo or saying it in Cantonese so you don’t understand. If I feel like using the words ‘I love you’, I’m gong to tell you from now on, and one day, when you accept the fact that I can’t even go back to picturing my life without you, and I wouldn’t leave you no matter what, you better say it back.” She took a breath and decided to backtrack. “Well, that didn’t come out right. I didn’t mean to sound like I was threatening you.” Holding back in that small way from Tim was such a challenge that she was bit riled up when given the opportunity to revisit that discussion.
He pulled her into him, ignoring the music they were meant to be dancing to, and kissed the top of her head. For the span of a few heartbeats, there was silence, and stillness, and peace. Tim reveled in it before spoiling the moment with, “You’re cute when you’re pissed.”
She tried not to laugh, but a small chuckle escaped her throat. “Don’t make fun of me.”
“I’m not making fun of you. It’s a fact.”
“Stop,” she tried pouting, but she was still smiling.
Tim pressed his lips to the corner of her mouth, letting her grin and accompanying snickers radiate through him. “Never.” He used the dance floor as an excuse to take her in his arms for the whole night, and if anyone looked at them oddly for barely swaying during the “Macarena”, he did not pay them any attention. All he cared about was holding his girl for as long as possible. When she brought him into her apartment and immediately clasped his forearm for balance as she undid her heels while flashing him a tired smile, Tim wanted nothing more than to be the man that held her up as she removed her shoes every single night for the rest of their lives. Lucy lead the way into her bedroom, and he followed to silently undress at her side before completing their nightly routines and climbing into bed. Without thinking, they scooted until she was curved into his side with her head resting on his shoulder like they had so many times before but never something he could take for granted. Until sleep came, Tim looked down at her and her peaceful face then across the room at her dresser. Lucy had repurposed the fractured mug into a vase for some fake flowers, and instead of turning the break towards the back to conceal it, she positioned it to be clearly on display. Tim understood she wanted to keep it as a memory of the first time she told him she loves him, and he was so touched that she wanted to commemorate that moment in their relationship.
Barely awake, she partially opened her eyes and whispered, “Babe, go to sleep.” She could feel the rigidity of his muscles and heard the sound of his breathing, which indicated that he had yet to drift off, and that kept her up partially. Lucy kissed a spot on his bicep then rubbed at his stomach to soothe him to sleep.
“I will,” he promised. Tim could tell she intentially brushed her lips over a certain spot on his body. Even clothed, she knew where all of his scars were and had rubbed reverent circles over them or kissed them softly on random occasions. She had learned about all of his physical and emotional scars before they even got together. Lucy entered their relationship with open eyes about exactly who he is, and she loves him. She loves him more than just someone who could stay. She loves him enough to memorialize an unusable mug by making it more beautiful with fake flowers. That was her approach to him, too; Lucy took an undesirable somewhat broken man and filled him with love and flowers to give him a new purpose as the man worthy of her.
She woke up in the morning, and even though his eyes were still shut, she murmured into his neck, “Good morning. I love you.” That got him to smile and squeeze her tight. A weight had been lifted off of her chest after making it clear that she would be more vocal about her love for him regardless of his continued tight lipped nature on the topic, because the curl of his lips spoke volumes. Lucy went overboard when she said it a million times throughout their lazy Sunday, but after biting back her feelings for far too long, the floodgates opened, and it easily fell from her lips between sentences and kisses. “Are you getting annoyed?” She wondered after asking him to pass the salt and saying “I love you” right after being handed the salt shaker.
“No. I had no clue you wanted to say it so much, though.”
“Don’t get me started on telling you during sex.” He raised his eyebrow at her, and she took his hand. “Let’s just say I’ll probably be more vocal next time.”
“Next time?” Tim gulped down the last of the water in his glass then set it down. “How about right now?”
“I…,” she checked that her dinner plate was mostly empty, then tilted her head as she considered the offer. “Yeah, I’m not hungry anymore anyways.”
He yanked her to her feet off of her stool then steered them the few steps into her bedroom. The second he backed her onto her mattress, she said it again.
“I love you,” she sighed as she pulled him on top of her.
As Tim worked with her to take their pants off, his eyes darted over to the cracked mug on her dresser then back at her below him. He almost said it. It was on the tip of his tongue, but he kissed her to show her instead. Because he would consider himself a man of action instead of words, he decided that an action would help make taking such a step easier, but that action would have to wait until they were both properly satisfied for the evening. Tim formulated a plan the next morning as they brushed their teeth side by side in her bathroom, so when shift was nearing the end, he caught her at one of the desks in the middle of the regular chaos of the station and said, “I’ll meet you at my place, but I’ve gotta run an errand first. Mind walking Kojo before I get home?”
“Sure,” she responded. “I do love spending quality time with him where I can give Kojo my undivided attention.”
“You should say that about me and not my dog.”
“Deal with it,” Lucy sassed. He rolled his eyes at her, but before he could step away from her desk, she took hold of his wrist and said, “Hey, I love you,” then released him to allow him to leave with the unmistakable twinge of a smirk on his face. His reaction every time, even when he attempted to be muted about it, was heartwarming, so of course, she had every intention of telling him again when he arrived at his house after shift where she was waiting for him.
He walked through his door already in good spirits, because he knew Lucy was in his house making herself at home in his space. Tim watched as she was stirring pasta in a pot while humming, and his whole chest got so tight he was afraid he was having some sort of cardiac event until she caught his eye, and he knew it was just HER. “I’ve got something for you.” He offered the bag to her, and she looked so excited about receiving a gift that his chest threatened to crack open.
“What is it?” Lucy asked.
“Open it and find out.”
She felt around inside the bag for whatever had been wrapped in tissue paper and carefully unraveled its wrapping to reveal a mug that had “I LOVE YOU” written on it.
“It’s a replacement for the one I broke,” he explained
Lucy beamed; even if he could not speak the words quite yet, she was thrilled to have something that confirmed what he made very clear nonverbally. “It’s perfect,” she responded, emotion closing her throat as she admired the three simple words painted on it.
He hooked his pointer finger under her chin to redirect her eyes back to him then swallowed before speaking softly, “Like the mug says, I love you.” Tim observed her eyes water instantly. “I’m sorry I couldn’t say it before, but I’ll say it now. I love you.”
“W-what changed?” She barely held back from crying as those eight letters flooded her with endless warmth.
“I don’t want to live in fear that I’ll lose you, and I don’t want to keep holding back, because you deserve to hear that I love you.”
Lucy leaned in to drop a kiss to his cheek. “Can you say it again?”
“I love you,” he told her, which earned him another kiss somewhere else on his cheek, so he repeated himself, letting an endless stream of “I love yous” escape from his lips to be rewarded by hers roving all over his face.
She finally landed a soft kiss on his mouth before telling him, “It really means a lot to me that you can tell me that. You show me pretty often, so I don’t expect you to say you love me all the time now.”
He wiped away at the tears that had streamed down her face then tapped on the mug. “I gave you something so you have a reminder all the time.”
“You are such a dork,” she scoffed dryly after quietly crying due to being so overcome.
“Are you gonna get rid of the one I broke?”
Lucy shook her head. “Never. I’ll keep it for as long as I love you, which is forever.” He bent low, but she pulled back and made it a point to set the new cup far away from them. “I don’t want this one to break.”
“Good idea.” Tim reached behind her to turn off the burner that had properly overcooked their pasta. “Want me to say it again, or do you want me to show you that I love you?”
“I’m so happy I don’t even care.” He lifted her onto the counter, and she squirmed. “Didn’t we learn anything from last time?”
He smirked as he kept her seated at the perfect height to kiss her without craning his neck. “I’ll buy you another one if I have to, but tomorrow, because tonight, we’re about to be very busy.”
“Really? How long is it going to take you to show me that you love me?”
“We might have to call in sick to work tomorrow.”
“Tim!”
“Maybe even all week.”
Lucy laughed. “I love you.”
“You mentioned that.”
“I’ll stop saying it so much after tomorrow.”
“What if we’re right here all week?”
“Not right here. It’s not that comfortable.”
“Oh, well, we can change that.” He helped her wrap her legs around his waist then lifted her off the counter. They both heard something fall to the floor, but since it was not the distinct sound of porcelain cracking, they knew Lucy’s new mug was safe and did not care what had fallen victim to one of their moments of passion when they had far more important things to do.