Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

As the train whizzes through Padokea, taking them farther and farther away from the Zoldyck estate, Gon and Killua lay together on a single bed with the window’s curtain draped over them, watching the scenery fly by. Leorio and Kurapika sleep in their own beds in the same room, but with the curtain separating Gon and Killua from the rest of the room, it’s as if they’re in their own world, with only the two of them and the ghostly moonlight spilling through the window, and the flash of the scenery rushing past in shadowy blurs and occasional streaks of light.

Gon thinks about how, not long ago they were countries apart, with more space between them than he can imagine, but now Killua is only an arm’s length away–close enough that he could easily reach out and touch him, if he had a reason to. Even with the cool air exuded by the window and his body aching all over after the trials he went through to bring Killua back with him, Gon feels warm and content. Elated, even. Part of him wishes they could stay like this forever.

He and Killua chat in whispers, about Killua’s house and Gotoh and the fact that they weren’t sure if they would see each other again but here they are, together again. As they talk, and even in the gaps between, Gon carefully watches Killua’s face from the side. It’s subtle, but Gon notices the way there’s a little upturn in Killua’s lips–a tiny smile that, for as long as he watches, never entirely fades.

The motion of the train is hypnotic, and no matter how hard Gon tries to keep awake, his eyes keep closing on their own. But next to him, he can see Killua struggling to stay awake, too, and after a while he simply lets himself drift off.

In the morning, the sight of Killua’s beat-up face makes him happy all over again. Killua’s little smile still hasn’t faded.

Maybe they can’t be on the train under the curtain in the moonlight forever, but he thinks about how now he and Killua have many more nights ahead that they get to spend together. He hopes they won’t have to be apart for a long, long time.

—

The first night after they arrive at Heavens Arena, they book a hotel room with their newly-earned match money. 

“I think it’ll only take us a few days to get up to the 100th floor and get a comped room,” Killua tells Gon. “But of course we need somewhere to stay until then.”

They find a hotel a short walk away and get a room with two beds, because there are two of them, after all, and the room with two beds only costs slightly more anyway.

The first night, they settle in their respective beds, worn out from traveling there and getting used to their new surroundings, as well as healing from their injuries. Even Killua, generally a night owl, drifts into sleep shortly after Gon does–though then, his sleep is fitful and filled with strange fragments of nightmares. These are far from the worst nightmares he’s had, but he sleeps on and off, fitfully, wishing he could turn off his brain. It’s as if he lapses in and out of the room, and what he lapses into is random, but never pleasant–the stone walls of the Zoldyck manor and the way everything echoes in there, the metallic smell of blood, torture tools, screams, the looming presence of Illumi. It’s familiar, but it makes his chest hurt, makes him feel as if he never escaped after all. On the other bed, Gon sleeps soundly, and Killua wishes he could join him in sleeping like that.

The second night, after their matches end and they get dinner, the two of them settle on Gon’s bed to watch a movie and share some snacks. The movie runs longer than either of them expect, and towards the end, Gon nods off. When he wakes up just fifteen minutes later, he finds Killua on the bed next to him, eyes dimming with sleepiness, as the movie’s credits begin to roll.

Gon smiles, and gingerly pulls on the part of the comforter that’s underneath Killua, trying not to disturb him, and then drapes the comforter over Killua. Then, he snuggles under the comforter himself and watches Killua snoozing beside him.

The bed is a bit warmer with Killua in it as well, and again Gon finds himself relaxing at the fact that Killua is close to him.

When Killua wakes up, it’s because Gon is stirring near him. He looks at the hotel clock and realizes it’s 8:27 AM, and that he slept all night without waking up or having any nightmares. It’s strange for him to feel so refreshed.

“Did you sleep well, Killua?” Gon asks as soon as he realizes Killua is waking up. His voice is a little too chipper for even well-rested Killua’s tastes.

“Yeah,” he says, trying and failing to stifle a yawn.

“Good! I sometimes move around in my sleep, so I just wanted to make sure I didn’t bother you.”

“I didn’t wake up at all,” Killua replies. Actually, I think I might have slept better than usual because I was near you, he thinks, but of course it’s not something he’d ever consider telling Gon.

The next night, they settle in their respective beds, but Gon notices Killua glancing over to his bed with an expression he hasn’t seen from him yet–sort of wide-eyed, filled with a desire he doesn’t want to express, but it comes through in his eyes anyway.

“You can sleep over here if you want,” Gon says. “I don’t mind sharing.”

Killua turns away quickly, like a startled cat. “Thanks, but I’m okay over here.”

Gon switches off the light and settles in his bed to sleep. He’s not going to push it, but he wishes just a bit that Killua would join him on his bed again.

Gon is just on the verge of falling asleep when he hears Killua make sort of an odd exhale out of nowhere, almost like he’s trying to psyche himself up or feels exasperated. Then there’s a sound of sheets shuffling and in just a moment, he feels the bounce of Killua’s body weight on the other side of the bed, and Gon smiles to himself in the darkness.

He doesn’t say a word about it, not then nor in the morning, because he can tell Killua has boundaries around this subject. He may be willing to take the action, but he doesn’t want to put words to it, nor does he want to discuss it.

Even with how heavy of a sleeper Gon is, he can tell that Killua sleeps better on the nights when they’re together.

—

The night after that, three nights after they arrive at Heavens Arena, they get their comped rooms for reaching the 100th floor, and Killua is amused by watching Gon marvel at the view of the city and the room itself, which is small, but nicer than the one they paid for prior. (Later, when they reach the 200th floor, the room is a significant upgrade and Gon is even more excited.)

Killua’s room is just down the hall from Gon’s on the same floor, and part of him thinks it seems fun and appealing to have his own space, plus the bed in each room is not very big–clearly intended for just one person. The two of them would certainly fit just fine, but not with as much space between them as they had in the previous bed, which makes Killua somewhat uneasy. The first night, Killua excuses himself when it gets late and Gon is getting ready for bed to go back to his own room, and Gon puffs his cheeks out in silent protest, but he doesn’t push back on Killua’s decision. 

Being in the room on his own is nice, for about 40 minutes–after which he gets bored quickly. He commits to his decision for the night because he doesn’t want to concede his loneliness to Gon, but he’s surprised by the unpleasant hollow feeling that rises in his chest being in the room on his own. It reminds him of when he was younger and at Heavens Arena for the first time, alone aside from some support from Gotoh and occasionally other Zoldyck employees. The rooms feel familiar from back then, even if they have been updated some. As much as he liked winning his way up the ranks and buying himself copious amounts of snacks that weren’t poisoned, and not having to deal with his mother fretting over him constantly and other various family complications and dramas, he felt like he was missing something, forgetting something, but he couldn’t put his finger on what.

He has complicated nightmares that night–some about Illumi, some about leaving someone behind. Someone important, but he can’t remember who. Even in the dream, he can’t conjure the person’s face, and his loneliness feels like an endless chasm. In the dream, it’s as if Gon never existed either; as if he never left the Zoldyck Estate and as if somehow his fate there is utterly inescapable. His body feels like it’s made of metal, like every movement takes an unimaginable amount of effort. His emotions spike every now and then into misery, but otherwise it’s mostly just a sense of heaviness, of not having any reason to continue.

He wakes up feeling cold and clammy, his heart racing, and he finds that waking up from nightmares and not having Gon at his side, even if he’s just down the hallway, makes him uneasy. It’s harder to escape the nightmares without him.

The next night he stays in Gon’s room, and most nights from there on out.

—

“It might be a little dangerous to sleep with me, you know,” KIllua says, one night when they’re laying together. “I guess I should have said that when we first started doing it, but still.”

Killua wonders why he’s saying this when he honestly doesn’t want Gon to opt out of sharing a bed with him, but it just slips out. It is something he’s been worried about, a little, even though he’s never done anything violent in his sleep that he’s aware of. But to him, killing is natural, normal, and swift, so being so close to someone when it’s possible he’ll make some unconscious action… The thought haunts him at times. He’s pretty sure he’s dreamed about it, amidst all of his fragmented and frequent nightmares.

“You’ve never done anything in your sleep that scared me,” Gon states lightly. Killua is surprised by how dismissive he is, unconcerned.

“It could happen, though. I was trained to kill people quickly and efficiently, so if I was confused from a nightmare–”

“I’m not scared of you,” Gon says, unflinchingly, not blinking.

“You’re not worried at all?”

“No, because you’re Killua. I know you wouldn’t hurt me.”

“You’re a pretty deep sleeper, you know…”

“If you kill me in my sleep, I guess it’s just because I’m not strong enough to survive anyway,” Gon says, strangely chipper.

Killua sighs. “You’re impossible, you know, can’t you just take it seriously?”

 “I am,” Gon says, with a blink, “What makes you think I’m not?”

“Ugh, nevermind, there’s no way I’ll get through to you.”

“Is there something wrong with me just accepting the risk? I’m not going to worry about something bad happening when it’s you.”

“You’re weird,” Killua says, closing his eyes.

“You look really innocent when you sleep, you know,” Gon replies. “I don’t think you’re scary at all when you’re sleeping.”

“Ugh, it’s weird for you to say things like that.”

“It’s true, though,” Gon says, and Killua thinks he looks a bit too delighted.

Killua sighs; somehow conversations with Gon rarely go as he expects. But at least nothing is going to change. He still worries about it, sometimes, but somehow Gon’s total faith in him and dismissal of the possibility puts him at ease.

—

“Killua, are you still awake?” Gon asks, out of the blue. Killua had assumed he was already asleep, as they went to bed maybe forty minutes ago. They’re in their fancy 200s room in Heavens Arena, sharing a bed as is now usual.

“Yeah… Why?”

“I can tell when you’re still awake, your breathing is different.”

“Oh, was I keeping you up?”

“No, but I sometimes notice you’re still awake. It’s okay, though.” Gon pauses for a moment. “You have trouble sleeping sometimes, right?”

“Yeah… My training made it so I can go multiple nights without sleeping and still be okay, but the downside is sometimes I can’t sleep even if I want to.”

“Do you want me to rub your back?” Gon asks.

“What, why?!” Killua replies, the volume of his voice louder than the rest of their conversation. Then he quickly adds, “No, I don’t need that. I’m not a little kid, you know.”

Gon rolls over partway, looking at Killua even though Killua’s back is turned to him.

“I know, but Aunt Mito used to rub my back when I was younger, and it really helped me fall asleep. It was hard to get me to settle down when I was little.”

“Like I said, I’m not a little kid,” Killua replies, a tiny bit of grumpiness rising in his voice.

“I’m not saying you are! But, it still might help.”

“No thanks,” Killua replies, flatly.

“Okay. If you ever change your mind, though–”

“Gon, just go to bed,” Killua says, irritated.

Even sharing the bed with Gon, which puts him at ease, Killua struggles to sleep that night, and he simply lays there and listens to Gon’s breathing. He tries everything he can think of–breathing differently, picturing peaceful scenes and things that make him happy, laying in different positions, but it’s to no avail. He’s comfortable, but his mind simply refuses to shut down.

The next night is the same, and the one after.

While Killua can go without sleep for multiple days and retain his ability to concentrate, he’s not completely superhuman, either, and the lack of sleep makes him feel run down and crummy, plus it’s frustrating just laying there with nothing to do while Gon sleeps and while he tries in vain to figure out any way to get his brain to shut down.

So, on the third night, he says, defeated, with his back to Gon. “Fine, you can rub my back. It’s worth a try, I guess.”

It’s out of the blue, and they haven’t even discussed it since Killua shot it down previously, so Gon is initially confused by the sudden change of heart, but as soon as he realizes Killua really is okay with it, he’s happy to oblige.

“Don’t be surprised when it works!” Gon says proudly.

“I don’t think it’ll be so simple, but do your best,” Killua replies flatly, not optimistic.

Gon gingerly reaches out and caresses Killua’s back, starting off light but gradually adding slightly more pressure. Even through the fabric of his shirt, Gon’s hands are warmer than Killua’s back, and the combination of that warmth and Gon’s touch in general makes shivers spread out like shooting stars all up and down his back, and spreading to his extremities. It’s totally involuntary, following Gon’s touch.

In spite of himself, and even though he’s self-conscious at his reaction, his whole body begins to relax as Gon strokes his back slowly and gently, the tingling following his touch all the while.

Illumi and his mother used to rub his back rarely when he was little, and he remembers hating it–curling up and wishing they would get their cold hands off of him. It was usually when they were trying to convince him of something he didn’t want to do, or when reassuring him that some horrible experience he had during training or work wasn’t anything to worry about and that he’d get used to it. 

Gotoh rubbed his back, too, from time-to-time, when his family wasn’t around. That did feel nice–sort of a firm, reassuring touch. It had been a long time since then, but even then the effect of Gon’s touch is completely different. Gon’s touch makes him want to melt into it, for it to continue forever.

And before he knows it, it’s morning and Gon is smiling a bit too smugly at him from about a foot away.

“I told you it would help!” Gon says, so proudly Killua wants to sock him in the arm. So, he does, though not hard.

“Ow! What’s that for?! And after I gave you such a nice back rub, too,” Gon whines, playfully rubbing at his arm even though Killua knows the hit didn’t cause any damage. “That’s not fair!”

“Don’t offer to do it if you’re just going to tease me about it,” Killua grumbles quietly, still somewhat groggy.

“I’m just happy it helped, you know,” Gon says, still rubbing his definitely-not-hurt arm. “You were out in no time, and you were drooling in your sleep after that, too. I’ve never seen you do that before!”

“Ugh, don’t you dare tell anyone else about that!”

“I won’t, it’s just between us. But I’m glad I got to see such a thing.”

“Gross! Don’t say that!”

“I was happy to see you so comfortable, that’s all,” Gon insists, ignoring the scowl Killua gives him. Gon gets out of the bed and gives Killua a little time and space; he knows even when Killua gets enough sleep, he can be somewhat grouchy when they first wake up. But once the two of them are getting dressed, he can’t help but ask.

“If you’re having trouble sleeping, can I rub your back again? Because it helps?”

Killua, very secretly, is happy that Gon is so insistent, because there are few things he wants more. But outwardly, all he can say is, “Sure, I guess that’s fine.”

The look Gon gives him back makes him feel like Gon can see right through him. He considers protesting a bit more, just to make it seem like he’s putting up some resistance, but truthfully, he doesn’t want to risk Gon rescinding the offer or starting to poke at Killua’s feelings around it, so he thinks it’s easier to just drop it.

He doesn’t understand it because Gon is the sort who falls asleep at the drop of a hat if the lights are off, and he’s normally a heavy sleeper, but somehow Gon has an impeccable sense of knowing when Killua is struggling to sleep, and the back rubs never lose their efficacy. Nor does Killua get accustomed to the fireworks show his nerves put on when Gon touches him.

—

The second night after Gon’s disastrous match with Gido, Killua is surprised to hear Gon whimpering in his sleep.

Killua knows that Gon has a high pain tolerance, perhaps even similar to his, and even though Gon is injured all over after the match and clearly in terrible pain, he manages to mask it most of the time. Killua can see subtle signs–the occasional wince or frown or droopy posture, groaning if he needs to move more than a little, and at times Gon’s face looks paler than usual. Killua would feel worse for him if he hadn’t brought this on himself.

Gon is hospitalized in the small hospital specifically for combatants right next to Heavens Arena for four days after the match, just to make sure he isn’t suffering from any additional injuries and to let him stabilize before returning to the hotel room to continue to heal. Killua knows Gon is safe in the hospital and he could return to the hotel to sleep if he wants, but he hates the thought of leaving Gon behind while he’s hurting like this (even if it was his fault), so he just wraps himself in a blanket and sleeps slumped over the side of Gon’s hospital bed. That way he can be there if Gon needs anything. It’s not the most comfortable, but it beats worrying about Gon in the hotel room alone.

The whimpering sound coming out of Gon that second night resembles an injured animal of some sort, Killua thinks, and it’s uncharacteristic of Gon while he’s awake.

Gon groans, winces even in his sleep, and then whimpers again.

Killua hesitates. Gon is definitely sound asleep–he wouldn’t be making this noise otherwise–so if Killua doesn’t do anything about it, it’s not like it’ll matter to Gon later.

But on the other hand, because he’s so deeply asleep, Killua thinks he probably won’t remember if Killua does do something.

Another whimper. Something about the combination of Gon’s whimper and his sleeping face moves Killua. Gon sleeps curled somewhat on his side with his back to him, and Killua tentatively reaches out to rub Gon’s back. Gon relaxes and leans into his touch almost immediately, and progressively continues to relax as Killua keeps rubbing his back in long, gentle sweeps. Gon exhales, as if he’s relieved, and so Killua keeps at it for a while, there in the dark in the hospital room. He’s constantly on guard in case Gon starts to stir or show any signs of waking up at all–in that case he tells himself he’ll abruptly stop and come up with some excuse (likely that Gon was dreaming it)–but on the contrary, Gon seems to be slumbering peacefully now.

Killua thinks about how he’s used these same hands to kill more people than he can even remember–how often these hands have been twisted into weapons, covered in blood, used to rend hearts and other organs precisely–and yet, here he is, using those same hands to soothe his friend. Flashes of violent thoughts flood into his head involuntarily (flashes he’s had before plenty of times while Gon is sleeping next to him), but he stubbornly pushes them away as he keeps up the repetitive motion. He sniffles a bit, thinking of how Gon keeps pressing into his touch unconsciously, trusting him not to hurt him, how his whimpering stopped entirely as soon as he touched him. He thinks about how happy Gon would be if he were awake right now, and immediately feels his face flash hot. He’s not ready for that quite yet.

After a while, Gon’s breathing evens out and his face looks at ease, and Killua’s eyelids grow heavy. He stops his rubbing, but he feels a little guilty for stopping. Briefly, he considers holding Gon’s hand, but again his face flashes hot at even the mere thought of it. As heavy a sleeper as Gon is, he thinks taking his hand specifically might wake him up.

Over the next week, he listens for signs Gon might be in pain while he’s asleep, and does his best to soothe him–but only while he’s asleep. Of course, he gets him food and helps him in other ways when he’s awake, but he makes sure to grumble about it every now and then and remind Gon that he got himself in this situation.

He suspects Gon might know, just a little, if only just a vague recollection, but that’s okay.

—

“You can lay out the futon in your closet for Killua,” Aunt Mito says, not long after Killua arrives at Whale Island. It’s part of a long introductory info stream she unleashes on Gon with regards to having Killua as a guest.

Gon almost opens his mouth, and Killua shoots him a very stern look. 

I’ve already told you before that the fact that we sleep in the same bed is a secret, is the message. Don’t say a word about it!

Thankfully, Gon either gets the message or wasn’t going to say anything about it in the first place, and Killua relaxes.

Killua has some idea of the fact that it’s unusual for two boys their age to want to share a bed all the time, so previously, in Heavens Arena, he broached the subject briefly one night, even though he found it mortifying to address it directly.

“Look, don’t tell Four-Eyes or Zushi or anyone else that we usually sleep in the same bed, okay? And if there are other people around when we’re going to bed or getting up, we have to sleep separately,” He said, in a harsh whisper.

“Why’s that?” Gon asked, looking befuddled. “It’s not a big deal, right?”

“It’ll just be awkward if other people know, that’s all,” Killua said, hoping Gon wouldn’t probe into this topic too deeply. He struggled to find ways to describe it that didn’t invite awkward questions from Gon.

“Is it weird that we do that?”

“Mmm… I don’t really know. I think it might be, a little bit.”

“We don’t have to stop, though, right?” Gon’s eyes took on a feisty sheen, like he was ready to argue if Killua tried to talk him out of it. 

Killua was a little surprised, and actually a bit happy, too, even if this conversation made him nervous overall. Too many opportunities for the conversation to go in the direction of topics he didn’t want to address, too many opportunities to set off Gon’s endless curiosity.

“No. Just…don’t talk about it with anyone, okay?”

“Okay,” Gon said, his eyebrows furrowed.

Killua was relieved Gon allowed him to drop the conversation at that point. Killua figured he could sense his unease.

The two of them set up the futon on the floor in Gon’s room, and something about merely being in Gon’s room makes Killua’s heart beat a little faster. Being in Gon’s room, on the island where Gon grew up, with Gon’s aunt, all of which he’s heard about so many times, feels like unraveling a mystery. How did Gon get to be the way he is? Will he understand him better at the end of their time here? He thinks about how bright and airy Gon’s room is, especially with the windows open, with birds singing right outside the window. His room, far away on Kukuroo Mountain, has dark stone walls and no window. It’s spacious and has his stuff in it (well, the stuff he left behind), but he can’t think of much else to say that’s good about it. A lonely and unpleasant place he hopes he’ll never have to return to.

That night, the two lay together under the stars–the brightest sky full of stars Killua has ever seen even though he grew up on a mountain himself–and Gon asks Killua to stay with him and tells him he has fun with him.

There’s been a feeling rising in Killua all along that he can’t quite define, but every now and then he can feel it changing–getting stronger, swallowing him up a bit more. Carefully controlled as he is, this feeling seems to exist separate from his self-restraint, separate even from the rest of his emotions. Inside him, it expands with frightening speed as he looks at Gon’s face in the light of the campfire, the orange light flickering in Gon’s eyes, making his brown eyes look so warm. His heart pounds in his chest–he can’t decide if he feels euphoric, or a little sick, or both.

When they head back to the Freecss residence, Gon stays downstairs with Mito and his grandmother while Killua goes upstairs to go to bed. He figures it’s good for Gon to have some time with his family without him–let them catch up without having to consider his presence. Also, Killua feels like his body is buzzing, tingly, and he isn’t quite sure what to make of this feeling.

He considers just taking the futon they pulled out earlier, being a good guest. He even flops down on it for a few minutes, but he pointedly stares at Gon’s bed from his vantage point on it. It doesn’t take long for his restraint to crack–he flops onto Gon’s bed and quickly the tingling gets way more intense when he’s enveloped by the smell of Gon. He grabs a pillow and smells it, buries his face in it, and cuddles it.

What am I doing? He asks himself, but even then he’s too blissful to stop, wrapped up in things that smell like Gon. Face still buried in the pillow, he rolls around and kicks his feet lightly. It’s undignified, and if anyone else were around there’s no way he’d be doing this, but alone in Gon’s room, in Gon’s house, on Gon’s island, he simply can’t help himself. When the giddy feeling wears off, a feeling of warmth takes its place. With Gon’s words from earlier echoing in his head, Killua nods off.

—

When Gon comes up the stairs, he smiles when he finds Killua sprawled out in his bed rather than on the guest futon. Though he’s in the direct middle of the bed and taking up most of it, so Gon isn’t entirely sure what to do. On one hand, Gon thinks it would be considerate to let Killua sleep uninterrupted and go sleep on the guest futon himself… But they’ve gotten in the habit of sleeping together, so even the thought of sleeping on the futon seems rather lonely, and as much as Killua worries about someone discovering them, Gon doubts Aunt Mito will check on them. Plus, after their talk under the stars earlier, Gon feels like there’s a ball of warmth in his chest radiating whenever he thinks about Killua.

Gon gingerly climbs on the bed and pulls the sheets up on the side he’s trying to enter. Killua’s a light sleeper so this usually is enough to wake him up, but tonight he seems especially relaxed, maybe even soundly asleep.

“Killua?” He whispers. “Can you move over a little?”

Killua groans in acknowledgement and rolls over so his back is facing Gon, tucking his limbs in with his roll mostly, but it’s still not quite enough space.

“A little more?” Gon asks, and Killua scooches over another few inches. This gives him barely enough space, but Gon settles himself next to Killua and feels a tiny shiver run up his spine when Killua’s back is fully up against his side. The two of them have gotten progressively more and more used to being close, incidental touches (even lingering ones) aren’t unusual at all and sometimes they wake up a little closer than they’re used to or in funny positions, but this kind of closeness is different, and Gon is surprised when his heart starts thudding in his chest. The urge to cuddle Killua a bit more than this floats into his head, but he manages to squish it down–after all, he doesn’t want to scare him into taking the futon after all or not allowing this level of touch. He just soaks in Killua’s warmth like a sponge, and smiles when he can smell the shampoo he uses here on Whale Island wafting off Killua’s head.

Gon doesn’t move, just lays there as still as a statue in hopes Killua won’t move either, and he’s surprised by just how long it takes for his heart to stop hammering against his ribcage. He manages to slow it gradually by taking deep, purposeful breaths, and it leaves just a soft, happy glow in its wake. By the time Gon manages to fall asleep, he and Killua are still that close.

When Gon wakes up in the morning, Killua is back to being a normal distance away, and Gon feels like the arm’s length between them is too far.

He thinks about Killua telling him it’s maybe a little weird that they sleep together every night, and he wonders what it means that he wants that, and that he wants to be even closer at times. He’s okay with being weird, but what’s so weird about it, anyway? Isn’t this feeling just part of being someone’s best friend? What other kind of feeling would it be, anyway? He’s never had a best friend before Killua, so he isn’t sure.

He gazes at Killua’s back, at his tousled silver hair and the back of his neck, which Gon finds appealing in some way he can’t categorize, and he wonders, but lightly. He doesn’t expect an answer to what any of this means or really think an answer exists in the first place, these are just his own feelings after all, and so he lets the thoughts go after a while.

—

Gon is strangely quiet that night, and Killua thinks it’s odd–especially after their triumphant escape from the Phantom Troupe. Gon normally revels in narrow escapes, narrow victories, really anything that gets his blood pumping, so seeing him so contemplative after what they managed is odd. It feels like a different Gon from the one when they first got out and made it a safe distance away–the one who told Killua, with a huge grin, to be the calm one and keep him in check.

“Killua, let’s change your bandages before bed,” Gon says. Killua’s ankles are shredded from when he tried to escape one of the Phantom Troupe members when they were captured. Killua was able to ignore the pain during the whole incident because of the dire situation they were in, but as soon as they got back and the pain started catching up with him, Gon insisted on bandaging him up.

“Ugh, do we have to?”

“You already bled through them, it’s better to have fresh ones before we sleep.”

Killua knows he’s right but wishes he wasn’t; as much as Killua’s pain tolerance is high, it does in fact hurt, and he just knows the bandages will stick to the wounds and make the whole thing a nightmare. Gon touches him gingerly, tenderly, while pulling off the old bandages and replacing them with fresh ones. It does still hurt, inevitably, but the way Gon is touching him as if he’s delicate is mesmerizing to him, and Gon’s face is serious as he tends to him. Gon’s hands are warm.

As they settle in to bed, Gon asks, “Killua, can I rub your back tonight?”

It’s not unusual for Gon to rub his back now, maybe once every week or two when Killua is struggling to sleep (more if he’s having an especially hard couple of days), but at this point he usually doesn’t ask first and it’s generally not until he’s sure Killua can’t get to sleep on his own, not when they’re just settling down.

“Uh, sure, but why? Aren’t you acting kind of weird tonight?”

Gon’s voice gets quiet as he says, “I keep thinking about what happened earlier. How you could have died if things had gone just a little different. If we hadn’t met Zepile, if he hadn’t taught us that technique, that kind of thing.”

“Well, I’m not dead, I’m here safe with you, so you don’t have to worry about it any more.”

“I know, but… I still keep thinking about it.”

Killua awkwardly reaches over and pats Gon’s shoulder, a little roughly, but doesn’t look at him.

“You won’t ever do that again, right?” Gon asks.

“Ever?!” Killua exclaims in response. “I mean, it’s not like I’m planning to, but who knows what will happen in the future.”

“I don’t want you to risk your life like that again,” Gon says gravely, his voice low. “Do you promise you won’t?”

“Look, like I said, it’s not like I’m going to do something like that lightly. It’s a weird thing to promise not to do...”

“So you won’t promise?”

“Ugh, fine, I promise, okay! But I’m not doing the Whale Island vow thing, I’m too tired and it’s weird.”

Gon gets quiet for a while. “As long as you promise.”

“I already did, you idiot.”

(Killua thinks of this promise much later, lightly made as it was, just to make Gon happy really, when he’s considering the idea of a lovers' suicide if things go badly. But at that point, the alternative is simply unimaginable to him anyway, so if it requires breaking his promise, so be it–as much as he hopes it won’t come down to that.)

Gon still seems pensive and shaken up, but it’s like the atmosphere lightens slightly with that out of the way. He starts rubbing Killua’s back, but Killua notices that his touch seems unusual–his hands linger more, his movements are slower and more thoughtful. After a few minutes, while Killua is still awake, Gon stops and suddenly Killua feels Gon’s forehead press into his back, between his shoulder blades, and stay there for a while.

“Killua,” he says, and his voice sounds almost tearful but not quite, just cracking a little.

“I’m here,” Killua says, just a touch flat as sort of a “You’re making too big a deal out of this,” gesture, and he reaches back to pat Gon again, though he makes an effort not to match Gon’s weird clingy energy. The weirdness of Gon’s behavior is making him nervous, like it could lead down one of several paths that he’s not ready to head down. He tries to keep the atmosphere as light as he can without inviting Gon to talk about it more, because that’s where those paths he’s concerned about might start appearing.

Gon leaves his head like that for a bit, and Killua feels it moving as Gon takes some deep, shaky breaths. After a while, he seems to snap out of it, and goes back to rubbing Killua’s back again, more like usual.

Even though his ankles are stinging and he keeps thinking about both the events of the day and the sensation of Gon’s forehead pressed against his back, Killua manages to fall asleep.

—

Killua wakes up because he’s too hot, and quickly discovers why. Instantly, his face feels hotter as well, because he realizes Gon’s arms are wrapped tightly around his abdomen from behind, and Gon’s face is buried in his neck.

For a brief moment, Killua thinks he might have a heart attack just from the sheer suddenness of it and, well, Gon is truly very close. The hug he has him in has some pressure behind it, too–it’s properly a hug rather than limply having his arms over him, and, Killua notes with mortification, he really, really likes the feeling of it, especially with Gon’s nose and breath tickling his neck, and the way he nuzzles into the crook of his neck at times. The mixture of mortification and sheer, unavoidable enjoyment is paralyzing.

Panicked as he is by waking up in this predicament, he tries to orient himself. Is Gon awake or asleep? Is he doing this on purpose? He can tell from many hours of listening to Gon’s breathing next to him that Gon is deep asleep, and even with how weird Gon was acting earlier, he doubts conscious Gon would go quite this far on his own, so that’s somewhat reassuring to him.

He knows Gon is the sort to move around in his sleep sometimes, so they have woken up in a few funny positions and even a few touchier than usual ones, but this kind of closeness is new both for when they’re conscious and when they’re awake.

In spite of himself, Killua finds himself leaning into the embrace, savoring it, not knowing if or when he’ll get to experience such a thing again. After all, it is just Gon randomly moving in his sleep, right?

Gon nuzzles Killua’s ear with his nose and Killua’s face flashes hot again.

“Killua…” Gon mutters, and the fuzzy, vague way he says it means he’s definitely dead asleep and probably dreaming. Killua smiles fondly to himself.

The feeling that’s been growing within him gets bigger still, and he wonders when it will stop.

Chapter Text

Bisky signs herself up as their mentor, and unfortunately her offer is too good to pass up, as reluctant as Killua is to admit that. But, it comes at a cost that Killua’s been secretly dreading.

“We’re definitely sleeping separately while Bisky is around,” Killua says bluntly, as they’re getting dressed after bathing in a river–one of the few times Bisky isn’t with them. “Don’t even try to fight me on that, she’ll definitely get weird about it if we do that. Nothing gets past her!”

Gon opens his mouth to argue, but ultimately he just sighs. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He looks disappointed, though.

“I know, we’ve gotten in the habit,” Killua says. “But if we’re going to learn from her over the longer term, we don’t want to give her any weird ideas.”

Gon watches Killua carefully, almost like he wants to ask a question, and Killua starts to feel self-conscious talking about this topic again. Killua generally tries to avoid bringing it up at all, just let it be a “normal” thing they do even though he knows by now his level of investment and interest in it is not “normal,” but Bisky strikes him as the kind of person who will take every bit of leverage she can and notice and point out anything she deems unusual, tact be damned. The thought of having to explain why they sleep together to Bisky makes his blood run cold, even though the reasons themselves are innocuous. The thought of Gon hearing whatever it is she has to say on the topic turns his blood into ice. A quick route to some conversations he absolutely does not want to have with either of them.

“Look, just, if we get a chance where she definitely won’t notice it’s one thing, but I don’t think that’ll be the case most of the time. So, let’s just accept it for now for the sake of our goal.”

Gon puffs up his cheeks in protest, but he says, “Okay,” reluctantly anyway.

Killua is again surprised that Gon allows him to drop the subject without digging into it more, but he’s relieved the conversation is as brief as it is.

—

They camp most of the time in Greed Island, at least while they’re in the middle of Bisky’s initial training. 

They’re so tired from training as it is in the initial stages, they’re asleep almost as soon as they zip up their sleeping bags. Bisky also introduces the overnight dangling rock training, which Killua doesn’t struggle with at all due to prior training with similar intentions, but Gon certainly does; and before that, the training with Binolt in the rocky arena of sorts, where they can only take turns actually sleeping at best. In some ways, Killua is relieved that the training means it’s not like they would have been able to co-sleep regardless, like they’re not missing out on it ultimately. 

As Killua gets more accustomed to the training, he finds the insomnia and nightmares start creeping back in again occasionally, though–like those features of his sleep are constantly there in the back of his mind, just waiting for an opportunity to strike.

Meanwhile, something shifts between him and Gon. It’s small and hard to define, but it’s like they keep having “moments” when Bisky is distracted or they’re off on their own relaxing between sparring. Sometimes it’s just Gon looking at him in a way he can’t categorize–his big brown eyes seem brighter than usual, almost like they’re gleaming, and the way he looks directly at Killua is unusual. Killua tries to figure out the right word for it–curiosity, interest? But it’s definitely aimed at him, and it’s weird. It makes his stomach flop whenever Gon looks at him like that. He briefly catches Gon’s eyes back, sometimes letting his gaze linger just long enough to communicate…something, for it to feel like they connected, but sometimes the intensity of the look in Gon’s eyes is just too much for him and he turns away.

It’s not just that, either. The two of them have always been somewhat touchy with each other (actually, Killua, accustomed to his siblings, is guilty of a good chunk of the casual touches between them), but again, the frequency and nature of it somehow feels transformed, like the context has changed. Sometimes Gon sits a bit closer to him than normal, even to the point where they’re leaning against each other for a while with the sides of their arms and legs touching, puts his hand on Killua’s shoulder or arm for more than a moment, or pushes a stray strand of hair out of Killua’s face with his thumb and then just sort of…lingers close to Killua.

Gon usually manages to avoid Bisky’s gaze in these moments, he knows Killua is on guard about this, but Killua sometimes catches Bisky looking at them with just a slight smile, and then it’s a race between him staring daggers at her and her glancing away quickly, pretending not to be looking after all, even though her mischievous little grin gives it away.

Is this all because we’re not sleeping together any more? Killua wonders. The timing seems to suggest it, but at the same time that might not be all it is either. He keeps telling himself not to think about it too deeply. He doesn’t want to trick himself into taking it more seriously than it deserves. He has no idea what’s going on in Gon’s head with regards to this; whether it’s a result of some conscious thought or rather just some unconscious tendency that’s shifted. Regardless, he doubts Gon is as emotionally wrapped up in it as he is.

Maybe it’s just a result of their sparring? It does have a certain intimacy to it–the way they carefully come to blows without hurting each other, the awareness and attention towards each other it requires, the fact that they’re always meeting each others’ eyes as a result of it. There’s also, well, a lot of touching involved, purposeful and straightforward as that touching is.

Of course, no matter what he tells himself he does think about all of this anyway, replaying the moments in his head and wondering what they mean–especially during nights where he can’t sleep well, as he stares up at the stars glittering above them. Every now and then he sees a shooting star and thinks of their time on Whale Island, of how bright both the starry sky and Gon’s eyes were on that one night. Gon isn’t usually awake when he sees them, but he points them out to him if he happens to be.

—

“I think you boys have earned a rest! And so have I,” declares Bisky one day out of the blue, after weeks of training and camping out in the dust. “I’ve had enough of roughing it, so let’s stay at a hotel in Masadora this weekend!”

“Osu!” Gon and Killua yell in response, then give each other a high five.

“We still have to work on gathering spell cards and strategizing, though, so don’t relax too much. Be working your brains! But every now and then, a little rest from training helps.”

Gon and Killua book a room with two beds, because Bisky is there when they’re booking it and also the likelihood of her “visiting” the room is high, while Bisky gets her own room.

Gon seems almost giddy about this development, and Killua watches him carefully. Well, it is nice to be in a hotel again after all this, he reminds himself–to actually have a real bathtub and shower and a proper soft bed. It makes sense for Gon to be excited after such a long period of them being sweaty and dusty and sleeping in sleeping bags (often with increasingly large rocks suspended over their heads) most of the time, and he’s looking forward to a break in that too, but at the same time, there’s something about suddenly having the option of sleeping together again that makes him nervous. It’s partly that shift he’s noticed and partly that they’ve gone a while without it, so now it’s harder to envision how it’ll go that night.

Lately his head feels full of Gon, like even being with him nearly all of the time isn’t quite enough. He waffles back and forth about admitting something to himself, something he’s suspected about his feelings for quite a while, but has generally pushed off fully acknowledging even though the frequency and intensity of these thoughts and feelings keeps increasing. He’s started to wonder what the point is, even, of denying it if he can’t stop himself from thinking about it, but somehow the thought of even acknowledging it feels painful, strange. He wonders what admitting it to himself would even do anyway–he doesn’t know what to do with the feelings regardless, whether they’re properly labeled or quickly obfuscated underneath everything else in his brain.

But when they’re back in the room for the first time that evening, almost as soon as they enter it, Gon gives him this particular look, and again his stomach does a flip. The two of them both flop onto the same bed and lay about a foot apart for a bit, just resting and enjoying the fluffiness of it. Killua feels the strange atmosphere coming up again, like there’s more there than just their friendship, and especially when Gon suddenly scoots over to be closer–right up against Killua, touching, their sides warming each other. Gon rubs his cheek against Killua’s forearm for a bit.

“Killua,” He says in a light and gentle voice he’s only ever used when they’re alone together, and it makes shivers run down Killua’s spine as his heart and stomach constrict.

Killua just makes a quiet noise in response, and Gon reaches over to fluff Killua’s hair, and Killua ruffles Gon’s spiky hair back shortly after, before they return to just laying still by each other, basking in each others’ warmth. The situation simultaneously feels wonderful and strange to Killua, like he’s not putting his guard up enough, but what he really wants is to push into it deeper and deeper, for it to just keep escalating well beyond his usual comfort levels. It’s far from the first time he’s had the thought, fleeting as it normally is, but the mental image of kissing Gon on the lips comes up, and the thought has more gravity now than ever before. It’s simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating. He can’t imagine himself actually acting on it, and yet, right now…

They reluctantly get up and go to dinner after a while, work on strategizing and organizing their spell cards with Bisky, and plan to hit some of the card shops in Masadora the next day. But even then the strange mood doesn’t go away entirely, with the two sneaking glances at each other as Bisky looks on. Killua doesn’t like how attentive she is to them. She claims to mind her own business and then watches them too carefully. He wonders what she’s thinking.

When they get back to the room and settle in again, they end up in the same position as before–up against each other, side-by-side, sharing warmth. They fall asleep like that, and it’s one of the best nights of sleep Killua thinks he’s ever had. Not a single nightmare, he doesn’t wake up once, somehow the balance of Gon’s body warmth next to him and the hotel’s air conditioning is perfect. 11/10, he wishes every night could be like this.

In the morning, seeing Gon’s sleeping face so close to him, with them still up against each other, before his conscious thoughts are even fully working, suddenly the realization that he’s been trying to avoid is there–inescapable. He can’t dance around it any more.

I have a crush on Gon.

Maybe, just maybe, that’s even an understatement, too, but it’s taken him so long to even admit this much to himself, so he just lets it settle on him as-is without trying to push it any further. It’s scary as it is. He doesn’t know what to do with it now that he’s acknowledged it. But he can’t deny it forever, either.

He lays there with Gon by his side and wonders what he’s supposed to do.

—

Killua leaves Greed Island for a while to take the Hunter Exam again, and Gon casually wishes him off–knowing he’ll see him in a few weeks, certainly as a licensed Hunter like himself.

But, they’ve barely been apart at all in the time they’ve spent together, and almost as soon as Killua is off the island, Gon starts missing him. He’s shocked by how much not having Killua at his side feels off, like the balance of everything in his life hinges on Killua being there. He keeps turning to him to point something out or to get his input on something, and finding only air.

Gon talks with Bisky and decides to show off the new move he’s developing to Killua when he returns, so that’s a big motivation for him to continue training hard–even though without Killua there, training feels like a chore. It’s frustrating–his progress feels stymied by the lack of Killua to compete with, to pass the time with, to bicker with, and to make the most of resting with.

He realizes how much quieter and less fun his world would be if he and Killua hadn’t met. He’s always appreciated Killua’s presence, of course, and not taken it for granted–but being without it now gives him a poignant point of contrast.

At night, he stares up at the stars in his sleeping bag and wonders what Killua is up to that moment, and if he’s thinking about Gon, too. Not being able to share a bed with Killua was already tough; now, having to sleep with Killua far away is even harder–but he’s also excited for Killua, confident he’ll pass the Hunter Exam this time and come back fully licensed.

“You miss him, don’t you?” Bisky asks one night, kindly, and with a smile showing through in her voice.

“Yeah,” Gon replies. “We’ve barely been apart at all since we became friends, so it feels weird to be without him.”

“It’s easier to talk to you without him rudely butting in all the time,” Bisky says, with a laugh.

“I guess that’s true,” he replies, with a chuckle and a smile. “He can be difficult around other people sometimes, but even when we argue, I’m always glad that he’s with me.”

“There’s no way he’ll allow it when he’s here, so while he’s gone, why don’t you tell me about how you two met and your journeys up until now?”

So Gon does, in bits and pieces during Killua’s absence, fondly reminiscing and laughing with Bisky at some of the funny and outlandish memories of how they reached this point. He’s surprised by the degree to which Bisky listens intently to him even though he’s not the best at telling the stories, skipping around and sometimes leaving things out and having to go back so the stories will make sense. He notices a look in her eyes occasionally that he doesn’t understand the meaning of, but it almost seems like she’s recognizing something in the stories he isn’t, at least not entirely.

When it’s time to sleep after telling Bisky about some part or another of the past year and a half, the fresh retellings make him think back on moments he hadn’t thought of in a while, and he finds himself wondering things about Killua that he hadn’t thought to wonder about previously. He knows so much about Killua and yet, there’s still so much he hasn’t learned about him–things he’s never asked him and is just now realizing he wants to know.

—

In celebration of Killua passing his Hunter Exam, they have a little picnic with lots of sweets and snacks, and Bisky gives them two days off of training (with the caveat that the three of them need to keep playing the game of course, similar to the last time) and pays for their hotel room.

Gon feels like he’s glowing with Killua back at his side. When the two saw each other again, Gon was seized with the overwhelming urge to hug him, but even though he spread his arms out hopefully, Killua just raised a fist triumphantly in response. It was too awkward to force it, so he just fist-bumped him instead. 

Since when they met, Gon has always had a vague sense that he preferred how Killua looks when compared to anyone else, though it’s hard to describe because it’s not something he’s put much thought into, but now, after not having seen him for weeks, suddenly the way the light plays off of his fluffy, silver hair, his big blue eyes, even his light skin all seem radiant to Gon–like he’s seeing him anew. It makes him feel strange, almost like he’s received a really exciting gift, even though it’s the same Killua who left him just a few weeks ago (well, aside from him actually being a Hunter now).

That night, like the previous time in the hotel room, they lay right next to each other. Gon feels tingly and warm all over. They’re both wearing tank tops and pajama shorts to bed, and in the places where they touch, Killua’s skin is smooth and soft against his own. Gon wonders why he can’t stop noticing things like this about Killua–it’s been this way for a while now, but he doesn’t know what it means or why it intensified.

Gon decides tonight he wants to start asking Killua those questions he thought of while he was gone. He thinks it’ll be fun to talk and laugh late into the night like they’ve done so many times before, but almost as soon as the two of them get settled on the bed next to each other, he realizes Killua is already sound asleep next to him, Killua’s cheek up against his shoulder. Gon would be sadder that the night could no longer go as he hoped if Killua’s face wasn’t really cute then, and if he wasn’t so happy just to be close to Killua again.

—

“Do you need anything before bed, Killua?” Gon asks, his eyebrows sloping in concern. “Do you want some water? Are your bandages too tight?”

Killua is lying in bed with his back to Gon, his hands bandaged and carefully held ahead of him. He does his best not to move.

“I told you I’d say if I need anything,” Killua grumbles, “You don’t need to check on me constantly!”

“I just want to make sure you can sleep. Do you want me to adjust your pillow?”

“Leave me alone!” Killua nearly yells. “I just want to go to sleep!”

“Okay,” Gon finally concedes, looking concerned. “But, I’m not going to be happy if you try to do things without my help. You don’t need to hurt yourself any worse.”

“I know, I know,” Killua mutters back, not looking at Gon.

Killua doesn’t know what to do with the mixture of feelings he’s been left with in the wake of the dodgeball match. His hands hurt horribly. Even with his pain tolerance being what it is, his hands are so thoroughly damaged that even when he’s trying his best not to move them, there are moments where the jolts of pain from even small, involuntary movements make him feel ill.

But every time he thinks of Gon’s expression as he said, “It has to be Killua,” so confidently and filled with certainty, it’s like all the pain is whisked away into another dimension for a few minutes as he basks in the memory. He knows, ultimately, if he had to do it all again, he wouldn’t change a thing. The trade is worth it, even if the pain is horrible. He’s used to bearing pain; he’s taken worse for far less before. This is a good deal, really–temporary pain, awful as it is, for a moment and a level of assurance that no amount of pain can take away from him. It’s his forever now.

Gon, meanwhile, doesn’t seem to know what to say; he seems apologetic about Killua’s pain, but not apologetic about them working together to win the match, and he’s not exactly sorry because it was, essentially, an unspoken joint decision between the two of them anyway. But Killua knows it’s hard for Gon to see him in pain, that now that the damage is done Gon struggles to cope with the aftermath of it. 

Gon makes up for the lack of knowing what to say exactly with his overzealous care of Killua, constantly tending to him in every way he can, including many ways that Killua fights him on (even though he ultimately has to give in in most cases).

Killua, self-assured and independent as he normally is, hates relying on Gon for some of his more personal needs–but, well, with his hands damaged the way they are, it can’t be helped. There are certain uncrossable lines Killua draws, like he will not allow Gon help him go to the bathroom no matter how bad his hands are (he would sooner let his hands fall apart entirely), but he does need help dressing and undressing sometimes and bathing, drying off, brushing his teeth, and other daily tasks. At times, Killua simply has to shut off his thinking so he doesn’t short circuit entirely, and he has to be careful about hiding his blushing. Gon treats him gently and without judgment and tries to give Killua a modicum of privacy when possible–he’s a surprisingly good caretaker–but Killua can’t help but feel humiliated nonetheless. 

Even in less embarrassing (but still embarrassing) moments like Gon feeding him with a spoon in front of Bisky, it’s almost too much for Killua. Bisky watching, a bit too carefully, at least doubles the humiliation factor–without that, at least it would only be Gon seeing his vulnerability. Not that that’s a whole lot better with the level of gravity he attributes to Gon, but seeing Bisky’s face in these moments pisses him off. Her face looks more aware than he feels comfortable with, but all he can do is continue to let Gon feed him, no matter what’s going on inside her head.

Killua is a difficult patient and he knows it, but Gon seems almost too happy at times–not at Killua’s pain, which he clearly has sympathy for, but at having Killua rely on him, having an excuse to pamper him a bit. This aspect of it is…almost nice, in a way. If only he wasn’t in such pain and also trying to keep his increasingly difficult and out of control emotions under wraps in situations that are sometimes downright mortifying, he could get used to parts of this. 

Gon carefully rubbing the shampoo in his scalp when he helps wash his hair and gently scrubbing his back, drying his hair with the blow dryer, arranging the pillows around him in bed to make sure he’s comfortable, giving him Chocorobos after bandage changes to help him forget the pain, tucking him in under the sheets. He gets overly zealous with it at times, like tonight, and Killua gets irritated, but there are moments where Killua wishes parts of this could continue on past when his injuries heal. Not that he could ever say that, but it’s a thought he has anyway.

As Killua tries to fall asleep, tonight the pain is particularly bad, and of course Gon notices this. Gon rubs his back diligently, but the movement keeps setting the pain in his hands off, so it’s hard for him to relax into it.

“Still no good?” Gon says, stopping rubbing Killua’s back for a moment.

“Well, it would be better if it didn’t make my hands move,” Kilua says. “It’s okay, you can give it up. Thanks for trying.”

“It’s because your back moving makes the rest of you move a little, too, right?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry about it.”

“I have an idea! Aunt Mito used to do this with me when I was learning to read. I don’t think it’ll hurt, so let’s try it.”

Gon writes something on Killua’s back with his finger. “Can you tell what I wrote?”

“I wasn’t paying enough attention, can you do it again?”

Gon does so, happily.

“Janken?”

“You got it!” Gon says. “How about this?”

“Hmmm…dodgeball?”

“You’re good at this!”

Gon does a few more, most of which Killua gets on the first guess. He does a few longer phrases to up the difficulty, seeing as single words aren’t much of a challenge.

“It…has…to…be…Killua,” Killua says, as Gon writes it out on his back, syllable-by-syllable. Killua feels his face go red, and he goes silent for a moment.

“Killua?” Gon says, noticing his silence.

“Isn’t it kind of weird to put that in this game?” Killua asks, trying to keep his voice neutral.

“I just wanted to remind you, that’s all,” Gon says. “Because it’s true.”

“I know that, but…” Killua trails off, not sure what it is he’s trying to express. It’s too much for you to bring that up again now, is what he thinks, but he can’t just say that.

Killua expects Gon to reply, but he doesn’t. He simply falls silent too, and the silence becomes oddly charged, as it does at times between them now. It’s like all the things Killua can’t and won’t say gather in the air and hover there, where neither he nor Gon can reach them.

—

During the party after they clear Greed Island, weirdly Killua can’t get the thought of marrying Gon out of his head. He knows it’s incredibly premature, that they’re still just kids, that they haven’t done much of anything to be on that road, so it’s silly to even think about it. They’ve never kissed, they’ve never confessed romantic love to each other–hell, they’ve never even really hugged, unless he counts the times Gon has cuddled him in his sleep. But it’s not like he’s even conscious in those moments anyway. He doubts Gon would ever see him like that anyway, no matter how much Killua has his moments of wishing and even wondering otherwise

But he guesses, because it’s a celebration with the two of them at the center, with both of them wearing flower leis and their efforts and teamwork being praised by other players and NPCs alike, it’s not that far off. The two of them drink fancy juice cocktails, they eat their fill of all kinds of delicious dishes people keep bringing them, they listen to Bisky singing energetic but rather bad karaoke in front of everyone and pretend it’s good so that they don’t get killed even on their special night. It’s a jubilant, colorful joy of a night that barely feels real.

Killua is blissful, even though being the center of attention like this is a little embarrassing. He watches the look on Gon’s face, the wonder and the glow of it, the way his eyes glimmer and reflect the colorful confetti all around them, and he wishes he could be there for every accomplishment and joy in Gon’s life going forward. Though, he wonders what will happen when Gon finally does find Ging. Will their journey end? Will Gon still want to be with him, or will that be it–time to go their separate ways? It’s hard for him to imagine. Is it selfish for a small part of him to not want them to find Ging, when that’s what Gon wants so much? But he doesn’t want their journey to ever end. He would happily chase Ging with Gon to the ends of the world, or chase anything at all with Gon, really.

After he and Gon consult with Bisky about which cards they’re going to bring with them out of the game, it’s finally time to go to bed–much later than usual, due to all the festivities. As part of the celebration, they have an incredibly lavish room for the night, and the two of them would marvel at it more if they weren’t so exhausted. Gon drops on the fancy bed like a sack of potatoes and Killua soon joins him.

“Well, we did it!” Killua says, stretching in bed. He’s still not used to his hands being fully functional again, but it feels great to not be in pain for the first time in a while. He mostly won’t miss Gon taking care of him, but, well, it did have its moments…

“It was quite a celebration, wasn’t it?” Gon says with a joyful laugh. “I’m still full from all that food!”

“Me too,” Killua replies, patting his stomach.

Gon suddenly turns and looks at Killua directly, meeting his eyes. There’s a certain gravity in his gaze, and it makes Killua’s heart flip.

“I couldn’t have done it without you, Killua,” Gon says, his tone heavy, looking straight into Killua’s eyes.

Killua breaks their mutual gaze to close his eyes, and says “Yeah, you sure couldn’t have!”, trying to lighten the mood. This level of sincerity is dangerous; it makes him want to match it. It makes him want to tell Gon things he might regret later, or do things he might regret later. He opens his eyes and Gon tries to meet his gaze again, with a softness in his eyes that Killua can’t handle. It almost looks like… It almost feels like…

Gon reaches out and puts his hand on the side of Killua’s head, right in his dandelion fluff hair above his ear, but it’s not a usual quick ruffle like they tend to do from time-to-time to each other–this touch lingers, and Killua can keenly feel the warmth emanating from Gon’s hand. Killua finds himself leaning into it against his better judgment, again finding himself wanting more, more, more.

“We did a lot, and I know it wasn’t always easy,” Gon says. “I never could have made it this far without you.”

“I’m glad we did it,” Killua says back, happy but with his throat constricting a little, trying to squeeze back words he’s not ready to actually say. “It was fun.”

“Yeah,”  Gon says. In an instant, his eyes look very sleepy, but they’re still brimming with a soft look that makes Killua’s chest hurt.

Killua manages to swallow all the words he wants to spill out tonight, and all of the actions, too. He can picture kissing Gon’s forehead right now far too easily, and his self-discipline is lower than usual after such a strange, thrilling day.

The two of them go under the covers, and Killua does scoot close to Gon, so they can sleep like they’ve gotten in the habit of doing on the rare opportunities they’ve had on Greed Island–right next to each other.

Killua thinks that night he’ll contentedly fall asleep next to Gon and sleep through the night, as he generally does now when they’re that close. It’s like a magic spell–the closer they get, the more Killua can escape the curse of his nightmares and insomnia, to feel like none of that is a part of him any more. 

But tonight, as soon as he closes his eyes, suddenly the images of Gon’s hand blown off start to play in his mind. Gon’s other wrist charred, too, the ragged skin encircling it. His raspy, choking voice from having his throat crushed. His swollen black eye that only allowed him to see through it a slit. But most of all, the horrible image of his hand missing altogether, just a blackened stump, complete with the searing, sickening odor of burnt flesh. One of the same hands that Gon has used to ruffle Killua’s hair or touch his shoulder with, one of the hands Gon rubs his back with to help him sleep, one of the hands they’ve played janken with together too many times to count, one of the hands Killua has pictured having up against his cheek as they kiss.

As horrifying as it was, it also pisses him off that Gon took things that far. It wasn’t necessary–he could have stuck to the plan. That’s all it would have taken for him not to have suffered those injuries. To go through seeing him in that state, only for things to turn around so drastically and for them to have one of the best nights of his life, celebrating at a massive, wild party just for them after clearing the game–the emotional whiplash from just this one day is almost too much to handle.

It’s fine, the injuries are healed , Killua tries to tell himself. He’s fine, he’s whole, he’s next to me right now, happy and well. The injuries are gone.

But the images are searing, and next thing he knows he’s remembering the pain in his hands when that injury first happened, too–the feeling that he might pass out if he moved them too much. Trying to hide the extent of his pain from Gon, so he wouldn’t feel guilty. It was Killua’s decision, after all, and no matter how much it hurt, the “It has to be Killua,” in response is ultimately worth all the pain. It may never stop echoing in his head for as long as he lives.

It takes him a while to shake all of these painful images. The only thing strong enough to get rid of them is concentrating with all his might on the thought of hugging and cuddling Gon, even as they lay side-by-side and Gon breathes peacefully next to him.

Chapter Text

Gon is knocked out, laid out on the bed next to him, and Killua hates that the thought of taking this opportunity to kiss Gon crosses his mind. Not that he would ever actually do that when Gon is unconscious–he knows it’s not a good thought, not respectful of Gon, not fair. But the thought crosses his mind anyway, more than once, and he hates himself for it. What a terrible time to be having such a thought, when the situation is this dire. There must be something wrong with him.

He already hates that they’re in this situation because of his judgment call. Carrying Gon’s unconscious body, slightly heavier than his own, is more exhausting to him on a spiritual level than a physical level. Every time he adjusts Gon and feels his dead weight shift around, it reminds him viscerally of what just happened, of the fact that he’s essentially alone in this until whenever Gon comes to. He doesn’t know how Gon will react when he wakes up. It scares him, and he hates that he put Gon in this situation. Even though Kite said it was the right thing to do, he knows this isn’t what Gon would want. He made the decision for him. Every time he thinks of Kite’s opponent, that horrible cat ant creature with an aura that made all his insides crawl and twist, he feels sick, and a cold sweat washes over him.

Sure, they all could have died if he hadn’t fled. But fleeing and leaving their friend, someone so important to Gon, behind to fight and certainly die alone, that still feels wrong, too. He can’t even think of what he would do differently if he had the chance to do it over, he just knows he wishes it was different.

At night, he sometimes holds Gon’s hand, gingerly, although he’s surprised by just how different it feels without Gon holding his hand back–it’s just limp. He tells himself it’s to comfort Gon, but he knows it’s just as much to comfort himself. Not knowing when Gon will wake up, it’s hard to sleep, and plus the images of what happened constantly repeat in his head–so fresh and vivid it almost feels like it’s happening all over again inside of him. Even in his own replayings, he can’t seem to envision a better way it could have gone, just this one nightmarish scenario.

The thought of kissing Gon now is a distraction–one that’s somehow right between exhilarating and terrifying, and the fact it would take so little effort to do it and Gon would almost certainly never know keeps popping into his head, even though he already logically rejected the idea and he knows it’s not a good thing to think.

It’s just, who knows if kissing Gon under normal circumstances can ever happen, now. It probably was never going to happen in the first place, but now he doesn’t even know if Gon will reject him altogether, tell him he screwed up in a way that can’t ever be changed, tell him to leave. The mere thought nearly makes him shut down. He doesn’t even know what he’ll do if that’s the case. Sitting in this hotel room alone, with Gon unconscious for an undetermined amount of time, and not knowing what Gon will say or do when he wakes up, it makes his chest hurt. He thinks of the words of the other Hunters he encountered, chastising him for running away. They were so much stronger than him, and they’re probably right.

So when Gon finally stirs, and stares at him with those hopeful brown eyes, and boldly declares that Killua did the right thing, and that Kite is alive and they just have to save him, it reminds him of the feeling he had when Gon came to the Zoldyck Estate to retrieve him, more than a year and a half ago. A feeling that his life would actually change, that Gon was going to bring him into the light with him.

He doesn’t think he deserves that after what he did, but maybe, just maybe, he’s wrong.

—

As he gets ready for his date with Palm the next day, Gon watches Killua out of the corner of his eye.

Of course, Gon knows Killua doesn’t like that he’s going on this date with Palm, but somehow tonight he’s surprised by just how different than usual Killua is acting. He suspects Killua thinks he’s hiding it–and perhaps in some cases, Killua is able to hide things from him–but in this case, it’s obvious to Gon how bothered Killua seems. He paces the room, he keeps getting irritated no matter what Gon does, and when Gon asks for his input, he gives it, but sullenly. Every now and then he’ll start acting…well, a little too cheerful, and Gon thinks this is him trying to act more normal and failing, but after a while it’s as if he runs out of battery–getting glum again.

Gon made a promise, and he can’t back down from it. He doesn’t entirely understand why Killua is so bothered, anyway–he and Palm are just going to go to a few fun places and eat together, like the dates he used to go on with Aunt Mito and women on Whale Island, what’s the big deal? Sure, Palm can be unusual in some ways (though he doesn’t have much trouble getting along with her), but he has to make up for his failure to her, and he figures giving her a nice day with him will help improve her mood. Aunt Mito taught him how important it is to be kind to women, to compliment them, make them feel appreciated, and be a gentleman. So, that’s what he plans to do tomorrow.

When they get in bed, Gon looks at Killua’s back, turned to him.

“Are you going to be okay just working out by yourself tomorrow, Killua?”

“Of course, why are you asking? It’s just working out,” Killua replies, his voice prickly. “What would you even do if I said no? You already promised her.”

“That’s true,” Gon admits. “I can’t go back on it now. It’s just a date, though, you know.”

Killua just grunts in response to this. Gon wonders if that was the wrong thing to say.

Gon feels a little bad, but he’s not sure why. He would honestly rather be with Killua anyway, though it’ll be nice to have a break in training and cheer up someone who he previously disappointed.

Gon can tell from the way Killua breathes and shifts around that night that he doesn’t fall asleep for a long time, but he feels like it’s better just let him be. It’s rare for Gon to feel that Killua has walls up around him, but tonight he gets that sense.

He’s not entirely sure why Killua is so upset, but he wonders if maybe Killua wants to go on a date, too–even though the two of them go out to meals at restaurants and do fun things and spend time together constantly, kind of like a date. He wonders what would even happen if he asked Killua to go on a date with him, if Killua would laugh at him for asking because it’s so close to what they already do. He wonders if maybe he should try asking him sometime anyway.

—

The night after they see Kite in the form of essentially a nen puppet, after Gon allows “Kite” to hurt him, Killua notices a shift in Gon. As long as they were in front of Knuckle, Shoot, Knov, and Morel, he managed to keep up his anger and determination, display that to them as a sign that everything will work out. Not that those feelings weren’t real, but Killua knows, from watching him hug Kite and accept Kite’s blows, that Gon’s response is much more fractured than that, even if he wouldn’t fully admit that to himself. That he feels guilty. That he’s…maybe even scared, disturbed.

Killua knows, because that’s how he’s feeling, too.

Gon is quiet that night as they hang out together–so quiet. It’s uncharacteristic, this level of silence. Killua can almost see the events of seeing Kite unfolding in his head, over and over, as he sits on the bed, or goes to take a shower, or eats some instant noodles in the room.

After they first left Kite behind, Killua could tell at times the doubt was creeping in, just a little, just at moments. But Gon was always able to shake those feelings off, push them down, continue his relentless campaign of optimism that Killua so desperately wants to believe, even now. Surely, even doubting it must be some form of tiny betrayal. But, Killua has his moments, even though he hates that about himself. Gon always makes things bend to his will no matter what, he’s done that so many times already in their journey even when situations seemed impossible, so why would it be any different this time? But Kite’s vacant, grotesque face and stitched-together body keep dangling in his mind, unnatural. It simply isn’t right.

Gon goes to bed with hardly a word, not even a simple “Good night,” and something about his breathing, the way he’s laying there strikes Killua as off, wrong. He doesn’t wait long to see if Gon falls asleep on his own, he simply rolls over without a word and starts rubbing Gon’s back, lightly and gently. Sure enough, underneath Killua’s touch, Gon’s body almost feels like stone, tense and unrelenting. He notices a slight difference after a while, like he’s gone from being made out of stone to maybe clay instead, but by the time Killua starts nodding off and can’t keep it up any longer, Gon is still awake, silent, frozen in place.

“I’ll get that bastard myself,” keeps echoing in Killua’s head.

—

There are many times after they encounter the puppet Kite where Killua notices Gon seems off and Killua rubs his back, or touches his arm, or tries to encourage him to take care of himself if he’s zoning out. Most of the time Gon is “fine,” his usual energetic self; training hard with Killua and spouting optimistic words that Killua does his best to believe, and certainly supports. There’s no talking to Gon about the alternative.

It’s mostly just at night when he gets quieter, seems to withdraw into himself. Nights they used to spend talking, laughing, snacking, playing card games, and watching movies now usually involve them just doing what they need to do and heading to bed. It’s partly because they train so hard now, their motivation pushed by the hope that any iota of strength might make the difference between life and death, hope and despair, but Killua knows it’s not just the training contributing to this.

Killua can’t help but notice that Gon never rubs his back any more, no matter how much trouble he has sleeping.

—

Killua knows he shouldn’t be thinking this way, not when the goal is to protect Gon and help him achieve his goal no matter what it takes, but it might be their last night tonight.

It truly might be their last night on earth, Killua knows, and he lays there trying to absorb this fact.

He knows he should be sleeping, making sure he’s rested for what’s ahead, but was there ever any hope of getting restful sleep with the circumstances? He lays in the dark, trying to sleep but knowing there’s no way his brain will shut off, no matter how much he wishes it would.

He and Gon are in the dusty bunker, on the same bunk bed, using their two sleeping bags as blankets above and below them. It’s a relief to Killua that they’re sleeping like this instead of in their individual sleeping bags, a rare reprieve of closeness when there haven’t been many lately. Ikalgo is sleeping in the same room with them, so normally Killua wouldn’t allow this kind of closeness, but tonight, he would even insist on it if he had to. If it does end up being their last night, it’s a small comfort he can’t do without, even though there’s no hope tonight of the kind of closeness he truly wants.

Killua laid his sleeping bag down like that and Gon simply settled on it next to him, unzipping his own to use as a blanket to put on top of them, but there didn’t seem to be any thought behind it, any real consideration or meaning put into it, as if he barely registered that Killua was even there. Even now, Gon has his back to Killua and even after all the thousands of hours of practice telling if Gon is asleep or awake next to him, a game he’s always been good at, he can’t tell. Maybe he’s in the same position as Killua, somewhere in-between–physically resting, mind unable to shut off.

Killua thinks about how, twenty-four hours from now, it’s possible the two of them will be in oblivion, no longer on this earth but somewhere else–perhaps together wherever one goes after death, perhaps not. Perhaps not anywhere. But, he’s determined that at least both of them will be in the same state, whether that state is life or death.

He doesn’t want to die if he can help it, but given a choice between dying with Gon and living without him, his selection is obvious. One of these is awful but acceptable if there are truly no other options, the other, quite frankly unbearable to even consider. He can’t even allow his mind to wander into that second scenario, even taking one step into it feels like he’s being torn apart. If they both die, at least they’ll be together in some sense.

Of course he fervently hopes it won’t come down to that–he intends to fight with every piece of his being for another conclusion, one where both of them somehow survive, somehow succeed, but, well. There’s only so much control he has over it.

There are so many things he wants to do with Gon that he hasn’t yet. Not just the things he keeps secret because they’re embarrassing, but also all kinds of mundane things and simple things, too. He doesn’t know if Gon wants those things either, so maybe they’re impossible no matter what, whether they live or die, but Killua thinks back on how he wishes, even now, he could tell Gon how he really feels, what he really wants. There’s a big part of him that knows he can’t do that. Even now, even though he has no idea if they’ll be alive to see the sun rise the day after this one, he knows he can’t. Not only is it impossible for him to summon that kind of courage now, he simply cannot derail Gon’s focus.

If he has to die with these feelings and wishes, to carry them with him to whatever comes next, so be it. That might be the only way he can honor them now.

He tries to think, what if earlier–during Greed Island maybe–what if he had been honest then? Would things be different now?

Maybe if, now, he and Gon could simply appear back at Greed Island or Whale Island, with all the knowledge and experiences he’s had, but leaving behind these circumstances entirely as if they were all a terrible nightmare, maybe he would be able to act, but even then, it’s hard for him to imagine actually going through with it. He doesn’t know how Gon would react anyway, even if he could tell him. Probably not in the way he wishes for.

He knows, honestly, that even though he fervently wishes things could be different, there was no point at which he truly could have expressed what he wants to now. He was always holding himself back to a degree that didn’t allow for that. Even now, when they might die, truly might, he’s still holding himself back.

He should be thinking of the fight ahead, resting and preparing himself for that. That’s what Gon needs from him now.

But, because it might be his last night, he allows himself to think deeply of what it would feel like to be held, fully intentionally, by Gon, and to hold him back, and to convey all the affection that’s been building up within him like a dam ready to burst.

The thought makes him feel worse, because he wants it so, so badly, and Gon isn’t even an arm’s length from him right now, his back to Killua. Killua’s chest feels hollow when he remembers their current situation.

The only thing he wants more is for the two of them to live.

—

Killua has maybe a million things he wants to say to Gon the night before they separate. He wants to cry into his shoulder, he wants to confess things to him, he wants to scream at him and vent out all his pain and anger, he wants to sullenly explain his broken heart and all of his reasons for leaving, and he wants to forget it all and try to force things back to normal between them, even though he knows that’s impossible now.

He knows Gon wants to say more, too–it swims in his eyes constantly, the things he wants to express. And Killua won’t let him. He let him apologize briefly, to say a few simple, strong apologies that Killua accepted and appreciated–but he knew they weren’t enough to fix the gaping holes in their relationship.

It’s just not the time for that. Alluka is here and needs him, and Killua feels as though he’s one emotional conversation away from falling apart completely even though he smiles and laughs now. He feels like a smiling cardboard cutout of himself with a never ending stream of horrible images behind it.

Killua thinks back to the night before it all happened, and how he fervently wished they would both live. And here he is, and they’re both alive thanks to the absolute miracle that is Nanika, and he wishes he could be more thankful for that. He is, truly, and yet. And yet.

He tells himself that because they’re both alive, there will be more chances. That it’s only the end for now. But he’s crushed by all of it nonetheless, and as convicted as he is in his decision to separate, there’s still such a huge part of him that wants nothing more than to hug Gon and never let go. To forget everything that happened and everything he has to do now, and just give into all the feelings he’s been holding back for so long now. It’s hard to look at Gon, knowing he won’t be able to see him whenever he wants any more.

Because Alluka is there, Killua declines when Gon gives him a look–wordlessly asking if they can sleep together one last time. The look on Gon’s face is so hopeful and so delicate–like he’s begging, almost, and contrite; Killua hates that he nods his head no, firmly, even though he doesn’t think there’s an alternative, particularly. It doesn’t feel fair to Alluka, for one, and he doesn’t want to discuss it with her later either, and the other reason is that the closer he allows himself to get with Gon now, the harder it will be to do what he needs to do. The look Gon gives him back is resigned; accepting but with other emotions dancing behind it. Sadness is one of them; sadness that he knows Gon is trying to hide from him, but Gon has never been particularly good at hiding his feelings from Killua.

He hates it, but he can’t. He feels like he’s stacked a few hundred dominos in the only way he can currently, the only configuration he can accept with all the factors in place, and any movement that doesn’t fit within that risks bringing the whole thing down. He can only imagine how it would feel if they collapsed in his current state–the only reason he can hold it together is because of how he stacked them, with all the care in the world. It was a balance that pained him deeply to settle on, but right now, no other way of stacking them gives him a good chance at the outcomes he wants.

He knew it would hurt terribly, and yet, when they turn away from each other and neither of them looks back, it still hurts more than he expected.

—

Gon misses Killua all the time, but especially at night. 

He hugs pillows and tries to pretend they’re Killua, he goes over memories of the two of them when they got especially close and feels his stomach squirm around and his face get hot and deeply wishes he had appreciated those moments more when they happened. No matter how much he did appreciate them in the moment, now, when he doesn’t have Killua at his side, he knows it wasn’t enough. He lays there in the dark and tries to picture Killua an arm’s length away again, his white hair and light skin brighter than the gloom around him. Sometimes he can picture him so vividly it’s a shock that he can’t simply reach out and touch his shoulder, hear Killua say “What do you want?” a little grumpily. Other nights, he can’t picture Killua’s face at all and he doesn’t know why; he just knows it’s his favorite face he’s ever seen, and he tries to remember all the things he loves about it even if the whole picture won’t come together for him.

He hates that he can’t reach out and touch him now. That somehow, after being so close for so long, they’re back to having more distance between them again than he can picture. He knows it’s his fault, too, but he can’t let himself dwell on that for long. It’s something he copes with only in tiny doses at a time, as it doesn’t take much for his emotional state to start nosediving. He tries to keep afloat however he can, reminding himself that he’s alive and well because of Killua, and he wants to repay him by enjoying his life, even if he is lonely. No matter how much it hurts, he only has this second chance because Killua gave it to him, and this gives his life a different weight and feeling than it had before.

Gon’s mind is filled with regrets and pains surrounding Killua and their parting, but when it’s nighttime and he’s just trying to sleep, trying not to let the dark thoughts and flashbacks catch up to him, he just drops those worries in favor of trying to picture what he wants, which is Killua as close to him as possible again, Killua’s body warmth and Killua’s breath on his face, and his fingers intertwined with Killua’s and—

Rationally he knows why they didn’t get closer more when they were together–because he was trying to respect Killua’s boundaries and because his own feelings were in a constant state of developing on this topic–but now he can’t get over the opportunities he had, the steps he could have taken, the things he wishes he could do with Killua if he had the opportunity and if Killua wanted those things, too. He wonders if he’ll ever get that chance, now, with everything that happened. He thinks about the little distance that existed between them even before, when they were so close, and how he wishes he could close that distance now. But instead there’s only empty air next to him. He doesn’t even know where Killua is in the world now, and it makes him even more lonely to remember that.

Sometimes Gon falls into a deep sleep that reminds him of his time in the hospital before Nanika healed him–as if he’s sinking in dark water too fast, faster than he can control, and then his consciousness blinks out of existence. A dreamless, solid sleep that barely feels like life. Waking up is like suddenly emerging into existence again, like a rebirth–it’s shocking and scary, so sudden it’s like falling into ice water. Everything that happened comes back to him in an abrupt, painful rush that makes his chest hurt. 

Other nights his nightmares twist in and out of things that actually happened, and even more horrible things he hopes never will. When he wakes up, he often has the intense desire to find Killua next to him, to bury his face in Killua’s neck, to fluff his hair, to tell him what he dreamed about and have Killua laugh and help him separate the two. Nightmares are hard because even when they’re not real and it’s a relief to realize that, he still has to grapple with the things that are real, and those aren’t fun to grapple with either.

But Killua is never next to him, and it’s another thing that hurts.

One day, a couple months after he arrives home at Whale Island, while he’s making his bed he finds a wadded-up piece of clothing crammed in the space between his bed and the wall. When he unfurls it, he’s surprised to find that it’s one of the somewhat oversized shirts Killua would use as pajamas while they were on Whale Island. Dog-like as he is, he smells it, and feels a shocking wave of emotion flash through him when he realizes it still smells like Killua. It’s been crammed in there for a long time so it smells a little bit dusty, too, and actually he can smell himself on it a tiny bit, too, but Killua’s scent is undeniable, unmistakable. He’s surprised neither he nor Aunt Mito came across it before now somehow even though he’s made his bed many times.

To Gon, there’s almost no other object in the world that could bring him this much comfort. The night he finds it, he curls up with it to go to bed and, to his surprise, almost as soon as he cuddles up to it big, hot tears start to roll down his face, before he can even think about it properly. It’s just the amalgamation of all the memories, the fact that he can still smell Killua even though he’s far away right now, the aching desire to be close to him again. He wipes his tears away with his hands as much as possible so they won’t dilute the shirt’s scent. He knows eventually it’ll go away no matter what, but he wants it to linger as long as possible–maybe even until he can be with Killua again.

—

When Killua can’t sleep, sometimes he writes Gon emails at night. The two of them do email each other once or twice a week (and occasionally more), just to keep each other updated, as well as talk on the phone periodically, but the emails Killua writes late at night are different. These ones he doesn’t send, just hoards them in the drafts. He sometimes writes these kinds of things on physical letters as well, but he finds those take up too much space in his bag and he also doesn’t like the idea of throwing them away or anyone discovering them, so they end up just taking up progressively more and more space, which isn’t conducive to his current traveling lifestyle. So, emails it is.

In these emails, he’s more honest than normal–telling Gon more about his feelings about what they went through and other things he’s never told him before, asking him the questions that still roll around in his head constantly. He knows he’s not going to send them, so they’re jumbled and filled with emotion. It scares him that the Send button requires only a click. Sometimes he clicks a little too close to it by accident and his heart skips a few beats. Maybe it would be better to do this another way–to remove Gon’s email address from the draft or type it in a notepad file or something else where there’s not a big blaring Send button sitting there, but somehow the chance that his entire life could unravel with just one click adds a little spice to the act of writing long, pained, nonsensical emails. He has no idea how Gon would react if he received one. He pictures him sending back nothing but a question mark and his heart sinks, even though he knows better than anyone that the emails are a mess; Gon would probably be justified in reacting that way if he had the chance to read one.

One night, while typing one of these long, nonsensical emails on his phone as Alluka sleeps peacefully on the next bed over, he has a moment of panic when Gon’s name suddenly flashes across his screen. For a moment he fears the worst–did he somehow send it unknowingly?

But soon he sees he received an email from Gon–just a short one, that says, “What time is it where you are? I always think about you when I go to bed. If you tell me when you go to bed, I’ll send you an email, if it’s okay? <3”

Killua’s whole body flashes hot and cold and a shiver runs through him at the same time. The second sentence. Ending it with a heart. He doesn’t remember Gon ever writing anything with a heart in all their emails back and forth. He has to take a moment to get himself under control, as part of him wants to send some big emotional email back, especially because that’s exactly the kind of thing he was just writing.

He settles on, “I usually go to bed around now, actually, at least while I’m in this timezone. I’m in bed right now. You can email any time you want, idiot. I’ll let you know when my timezone changes.”

“Killua!!! You replied so fast!! I can’t believe I got it right even though it was just a guess. Good night. I hope you sleep well. I miss sleeping with you. It’s hard to sleep without you.”

Killua feels like he’s about to explode, and he flings his phone on the bed in response and leaves it there for a while, trying to get his face to stop feeling like it’s on fire. He buries his face in his hands and feels his heartbeat thrumming through him.

He half-convinces himself this whole exchange didn’t actually happen, that it was something he just imagined even though it was only a few minutes ago, so he’s on edge when he finally picks his phone back up, and he’s somehow shocked to find that the messages haven’t changed, that the words on the screen are still there exactly as he read them before. He reads them over several times again, trying to soak in that Gon actually sent these to him.

Killua types, “I miss sleeping with you, too,” several times, stares at it, and erases it every time. 

He thinks how, if this had happened when they first separated, he would have been too emotionally torn up and walled off to even think of replying like this (then again, with the cautious ways Gon communicated with him then, it’s not as though he thinks Gon would have said this to begin with), but he’s found that, as around nine months have passed now, the part of him that misses Gon has begun to overtake the part of him that is lost in the trauma of what happened between them. Not that that still doesn’t need to be addressed and processed, because it’s one hell of an emotional wound that still hurts more than he can describe at times, but somehow the tentative emails between them and having to live without Gon at his side makes him truly recognize that he wants to heal alongside Gon now–not remain separate from him. 

Of course he can’t for now, because the separation wasn’t entirely a result of his feelings around what happened between them anyway–it also had to do with Alluka and Nanika and the threat of Illumi–but when he can, when the time is right. 

“I’ll look up your timezone and send you an email as well if it’s at a time when I’m awake. Is Aunt Mito making you go to bed earlier now? What time do you go to bed on Whale Island without me?”

He typed this all with ease, but he agonized over what to say with the rest of it. He didn’t want to not respond, but the thought of actually directly saying, “I miss sleeping with you, too,” is too much for him, ultimately. So, he adds a simple, “I feel that way, too,” and trusts that Gon will understand. He sends it before he can delete it or make it even more vague, even though it terrifies him.

He and Gon get in the habit of sending emails wishing each other a good night in their respective time zones. It’s usually short, just a few sentences, maybe saying a little about their day, but occasionally Gon sneaks in things like, “I miss rubbing your back,” or “I’ve been dreaming about you a lot lately,” and makes Killua thoroughly blush. And it makes him wonder, too…

After doing this for a while, Gon asks one day if he can call every now and then, too, maybe around once a week, and Killua tells him he can, though he has to sneak off to talk to Gon where he won’t wake up Alluka, seeing as she always falls asleep earlier than he does. Sometimes Killua even returns the favor and calls Gon. And sometimes their conversations go longer than they intend, not a short goodnight message but a full talk. Sometimes they even touch on difficult topics or open up a little bit to each other, even if they’re still holding back and both of them know it.

Killua wants to be back with Gon more every time they talk, and he’s even more moved by the fact that Gon seems to feel the same way.

Chapter Text

“You’re still on Whale Island, right? Can I come visit you for a while?” Killua emails one night, out of the blue, and Gon is overwhelmed with all the different emotions that flood him at once.

“Killua!!!! Of course you can come visit!!! I’m so excited to see you!!!! Just let me know when you’re going to arrive, you can stay as long as you want!!!”

Gon doesn’t normally use this many exclamation marks (though, admittedly, he uses a lot), but he wants Killua to know that not only is he welcome, he’s welcomed with eager open arms. Gon held back all this time from inviting him out of a sense that he needed to let Killua do what he needed to do, and decide when he was ready to see Gon again at his own speed, but the mere thought of getting to see Killua again makes his eyes blur with tears.

Killua explains that he can be there in about a week, that Alluka won’t be coming with him for “reasons he’ll explain later,” and that he’ll give a better estimate of his time of arrival once he’s getting on the ship to head there.

Gon spends the next week in a frenzy in more than one sense; for one thing, Aunt Mito seems to have a never-ending list of chores and schoolwork for him to do in order to prepare for Killua’s arrival, and on an emotional level, he constantly feels like his heart is in his throat.

He’s realized a lot of things since he and Killua separated. Parts of these realizations came to him right after they split up, and other pieces gradually built up over time, as he went over and over and over what happened until he felt like he’d considered everything, at least within his own viewpoint, with the information he had access to. It’s not Gon’s usual way of tackling problems, and actually this level of contemplation is draining and confusing to him to a certain degree, but seeing as he doesn’t have Killua with him and he’s on Whale Island with little to do other than schoolwork, it’s the most meaningful thing he can do. His emotions have been like a pendulum–sometimes getting crushingly dark and painful, but at other times he goes over fond memories of his journey and tries to envision a future for himself. The details are blurry, but the one thing he always comes back to is wanting Killua by his side again.

And now, Gon worries about the fact that he’s not good at keeping secrets, but the last thing he wants is to make Killua uncomfortable, so he constantly considers scenarios and ideas for what to say, what to do when he arrives. His usual brand of spontaneity won’t suffice here.

His guilt is still there, about what he put Killua through and how deeply he knows it hurt him. They’ve talked about it a little, in bits and pieces in their good night conversations, but it still makes him uneasy, especially with regards to how he wants to proceed now. All he knows is he wants to pay close attention to Killua, to try to match him in whatever ways he can.

But, when the day arrives and Killua walks off the ship that took him to Whale Island and meets Gon’s eyes with his own, blue and sparkling like the sea behind him, Gon finds himself careening towards him with his arms out. Something about Killua being in front of him again, with a radiant smile and his fluffy silver hair and looking just a little bit older and even more perfect to Gon than ever, his response feels fully involuntary. He can hardly even feel himself making his way to Killua because his focus on him is so complete, and the only thing he can see is Killua reaching out to hug him back.

Before he can even process it properly, the two of them are already hugging, clicked together into a warm tangle of joy, and it’s a little hard for Gon to know where he ends and Killua begins. It doesn’t take long for him to start crying into Killua’s shoulder, and to feel Killua doing the same into his. They don’t even say a word for a while, but just stand there intertwined, absorbing each others’ warmth and smell and getting each others’ shirts wet with tears. There are other people there at the harbor, at least in theory, but the whole background blurs out of focus for them as they stand there for some unknown amount of time, only together as far as they’re concerned. Gon never wants this embrace to end, and the way Killua clings back he wonders if he feels the same.

“I missed you,” Gon finally whispers, after they’ve been hugging for some ridiculous amount of time.

“Obviously,” Killua says back, with a sniffle and a choked-up chuckle.

After having spoken, it’s like there’s a wordless expectation that they’re supposed to part at last, but somehow it’s still not enough, and so they hug a bit longer. It settles into a calmer embrace, just gently holding each other, prolonging the moment for as long as they can within reason. Even over his own pounding heartbeat, he can feel Killua’s heart racing, too. Having his nose buried in the curve of Killua’s neck is the best feeling ever, he thinks.

When they finally do manage to pull themselves apart (not easily), Gon notices how Killua looks a bit nervous, realizing how many people are around the bustling port–aware that some of them likely noticed their lengthy embrace.

“Let’s get going,” Gon says, “Don’t worry about them.”

“We’re going to be the talk of the town, you know,” Killua says, in a low voice. “Don’t you know a lot of these people?”

“I don’t care about that,” Gon replies cheerfully. “I’m just happy you’re here!”

Killua looks around one last time with a sigh and gathers his luggage–at least, the parts of it Gon hasn’t already picked up.

“Oh!” Gon says suddenly, as they start off on the trail that eventually leads to the Freecss’ residence. “Why wasn’t Alluka able to come with you? You didn’t tell me before.”

“Ahh, about that…” Killua says, seeming to careen into a flashback against his will. “Bisky is taking her on as a student for a few weeks, mostly to start teaching her basic self-defense and nen. Alluka herself hasn’t been trained in any of that stuff, you know.”

“Couldn’t you have stayed with her while she trains?” Gon asks.

“Oh, I definitely would have, except that Bisky forbade it. That old hag, she gave me absolutely no choice in the matter even when I argued with her.”

“Why not, though?”

“Something about how my family’s love is too smothering, and that I’ll smother her individual development if I’m around her all the time, especially during training. Bisky actually told me to leave and come visit you, like it was an order. It was really hard to leave Alluka there, you know!”

Gon laughs a little at how Killua sulks here.

“Well, I was hoping I could get to know her better as well. But, I’m very happy to have some time with you.”

“I know,” Killua says, but looks away quickly while saying it. “It’s not like I didn’t want to visit you, that’s not the issue. I just didn’t expect to be forced to leave her behind. But, I know she’s in good hands, so I’m trying not to worry too much. Palm and Ikalgo are actually helping make sure she stays safe while I’m here, too, and Bisky promised I can call her regularly.”

“You have to bring her next time,” Gon says, lightening the mood.

“She talks about it all the time,” Killua says, beaming. “Actually, she’s pretty upset I couldn’t bring her this time, though there’s no way around it. I’ve told her all about our adventures, you know! Or, well, at least a lot of it.”

“I’m glad,” Gon says. “Actually, I wish I could hear the stories you told her, too!”

“You were there for all of them, why would you want to hear them?” Killua says with a laugh. “There wouldn’t be any surprises.”

Gon thinks for a moment, trying to decide how to phrase what he’s trying to say. “It’s true I was there, but I’d like to hear how you experienced all of those things, too. Plus, those memories are really important to me, so getting to hear about them again would be nice. Maybe you remember parts of our journey I forgot about or you noticed different things than I did.”

“We can talk about that kind of thing whenever we want, you know,” Killua says, kicking a rock as they walk along the path. When he looks over, he realizes Gon’s expression looks wistful, almost tearful.

“I’m glad we can talk again like this, and be together again,” Gon says. “I want to listen to anything you want to tell me, no matter what it is. Even if it hurts, please don’t be afraid to tell me.”

Killua walks in silence for a bit, as Gon sniffles a little. He takes a few deep breaths and seems to ward the tears off, but he swipes at his eyes a few times.

“I’m glad you told Alluka about me and our adventures. It would make sense if you’re still really mad at me after everything I did, so hearing that you talk about the things we did together with her makes me feel relieved.”

“Well, what happened really hurt, of course. But, well…” Killua says, pausing here and there to try to express what he wants to carefully. “I’m not mad, exactly, especially not now. It’s more that it made me feel broken up, not being able to fight by your side. Not feeling like your partner any more, but just your teammate, and not knowing how to support you. And seeing what happened to you, especially. That was the worst of all.” Killua casts his eyes down. “You know, it’s still really hard to talk about. But I don’t want to stay quiet about it any more either. I’ve thought about it by myself enough already.”

“I’ve thought about it a lot, too,” Gon says. “About how I treated you, how much it must have hurt you, and how much you did for me anyway. I really…screwed up.”

“It actually made me realize a lot of things,” Killua says. “Like that there are so many things I didn’t say to you, either, but maybe I should have. And that…” Killua pauses, a painful pause where Gon sees him grimacing. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Killua like this before. “That I wanted to die with you if it came down to it. Because I couldn’t stand–I couldn’t stand some of the other possibilities. I wanted to be with you no matter what, even if it wasn’t in this life.”

Gon stops in his tracks. “Killua. I don’t want you to die for me,” Gon says, very seriously.

“And I don’t want you to die for any reason either! For me or for anything else!” Killua replies adamantly, nearly yelling. “That’s the thing, I can’t throw my life away for you any more, because I have Alluka to protect now. But I also don’t want you to die, I don’t want you to keep risking yourself any more. I can’t handle the thought of losing you, especially after I almost did.”

“Killua,” Gon says, his voice suddenly getting quiet and low. “The life I have now… It’s because of you and Alluka and Nanika. If not for you and them, I either wouldn’t be alive or, at least I wouldn’t be like this any more. So, this life is not just mine any more. And so, because it’s a gift from the three of you, I have to treat it differently now. That’s…one of the things I’ve thought about a lot.”

Gon is surprised by the expression Killua makes at this–some mixture of deep relief and also struggling to not fall apart, like everything is rushing back at him all at once.

Killua doesn’t seem to know what to say for a while, as if all his energy is focused on trying not to start sobbing, but Gon knows it’s not entirely from sadness, now. Gon doesn’t know what to say either, at first, so he reaches out and puts his hand on Killua’s back and rubs it a little, gingerly, wondering if Killua will accept it or not. He doesn’t want to do anything that pushes Killua’s boundaries, especially not now. But Killua doesn’t shrug him off at all. Gon can feel him trembling.

“I know you were hurting deeply, too,” Killua says, his voice wavering. “I know that’s why you acted like that. That’s why you tried to throw your life away. So, I’m not really mad any more. I just don’t want anything like that to ever happen again. And also… I’m worried that things can never go back to the way they were between us, after what we went through.”

“I don’t think they can go back to the way they were before,” Gon says, sadly.

Killua looks up, and then his gaze falls. Gon’s heart drops at seeing the way Killua’s gaze hits the ground, like all his hope just fell out from underneath him–so Gon rushes to say the rest of what he’s trying to say.

“But, can’t we make it even better this time? After all, last time things didn’t end up going well. So, let’s make it better this time, so that kind of thing can’t happen ever again!”

“Yeah,” Killua says softly, overwhelmed. His eyes glisten in a particular way that Gon can’t place.  “That’s what I want, too.”

They continue their walk to the Freecss’ residence in silence, as if the emotion has been wrung out of them. The whole time, Gon just wants to hug Killua again, to promise him again and again that he won’t let anything horrible happen between them ever again. Gon tries not to look at Killua too much as they walk side-by-side, because he doesn’t want to make him self-conscious or overwhelm him further, but he can’t stop thinking about how beautiful he is, from every angle and in every kind of lighting they pass through on their way.

—

Mito answers the door.

“Oh, Killua, welcome back!” She appraises him, and says, “You’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you! And look at how handsome you are!” She smiles, while Killua quickly becomes bashful. She gives him a hug, unexpectedly, and Gon smiles upon seeing that Killua’s height is getting closer to Aunt Mito’s. It’s the same with him, but the last time he saw Killua with Aunt Mito was quite a while ago, so the difference is more noticeable. Grandma also greets Killua warmly, with a brief hug (a little awkward due to the difference in their heights).

Naturally, Aunt Mito cooks them a huge meal. Over the food, Killua tells a few stories from his travels with Alluka, and all the while, Gon glows with happiness, having Killua back home with his family. He and Killua keep catching each others’ eyes briefly, and then glancing away. There’s just too much conveyed for them to look back for long, not now. Gon is surprised at how it simultaneously feels similar to the last time Killua was on Whale Island, and yet also the tension between them is palpable, different than it was back then, like everything has been shaken up and now it’s all shifting in a way that’s not entirely in his control. It’s both exciting and nerve-wracking.

Gon keeps trying to push down the feeling of wanting that fills him, a feeling that started the second they turned away from each other when they separated over a year ago and just kept growing, along with his awareness of it. A feeling that truly swallowed him this afternoon when he finally got to hug Killua again, and now he wants to do nothing else. He keeps thinking about when they can hug next, whether Killua will accept it, how he can initiate it if Killua is okay with it.

The dinner–filled with conversation and laughter and multiple helpings–goes late into the night, and Killua looks worn out by the end of it. He takes a shower while Gon pulls out the futon from his closet–very reluctantly, but he also doesn’t want to rush anything, not when it’s been over a year since they were together last. They’re not in the habit of sharing a bed any more, Gon realizes, and now that they’re just a bit older, Gon’s awareness of both his own feelings and the larger topic has changed. He now understands why Killua told him it was “a little weird” in the first place. But, after so many nights of longing to be next to Killua again, the thought of him being this close, in his bedroom where they slept side-by-side before, and yet not being next to each other… He simply resigns himself to it for now, even though he truly doesn’t want to.

When Killua gets out of the shower (and Gon struggles to stop staring at him with his hair wet–a sight he hasn’t seen at all in over a year), he finds Gon settled on the futon on the floor.

“You can take my bed,” Gon says, trying not to put any particular tone or emphasis into it. He doesn’t want to sound disappointed, or pleading, or desperate, or anything that might make Killua think he’s trying to get Killua to do anything.

“Okay. Thanks,” Killua says, and there’s just the slightest pause after he says that. Gon isn’t even sure if he imagined it or not, but the thought that Killua might be hesitating about sleeping separately too makes him feel like his stomach might fly away (even as full as it is).

There’s an awkwardness in the silence, like it’s filling up with things they don’t know how and when to say again, but they settle down in spite of it.

—

That night, Gon falls asleep quickly somehow, even with his feelings in the chaotic state that they are. The emotional exhaustion of the day catches up to him in spite of everything, and he sinks into unconsciousness easily.

But instead of a comfortable sleep or even a standard restless night, tonight he ends up in the midst of a horrible nightmare.

It isn’t particularly rare for him now, but this nightmare is the worst of all his nightmare genres–one where something terrible happens to Killua. His nightmares sometimes are more like flashbacks, bits and pieces of things that actually happened, and sometimes wild fabrications. Sometimes the two mix together into a confusing blend of fact and fiction, but more often it’s one or the other–so vivid, either way, that he often wakes up breathing hard and covered in sweat, or with tears rolling down his cheeks, or struggling to get his bearings and escape whatever his brain has conjured (whether real or false), or multiple of those responses at once.

On these nights, more than anything he wishes Killua were back by his side.

And tonight, as he wipes the streams of tears off his cheeks and eyelashes, and tries to gulp down air and return to this world from a world he doesn’t want to ever revisit, doesn’t ever want to think of again, he gradually realizes that Killua–the real, alive, safe Killua–is actually in the room with him, for the first time in quite a while.

Gon initially tries to work his way out of the post-nightmare state on his own, taking deep breaths and stretching his limbs to try to quiet his mind and body back down, but the nightmare has a hold on him. In it, the two of them fought Pitou together, and he watched with horror as– He refuses to replay it any more, as it’s already sticking in his mind involuntarily. He tries not to think about it in order to get it to fade out of his brain. He looks around, but it’s too dark for him to see much. Even though he knows he’s on the futon on the floor and that means Killua must be there, in his bed, he can’t stop shaking.

Gon grabs his pillow and holds it to his chest, and walks over to his bed in the darkness. Sure enough, Killua is sleeping there, his white hair glowing faintly like the moon in the dim light coming in through his window. Even though he knew this was the case, logically, it’s still a huge relief to see him there.

“Killua, can I sleep with you tonight?” He asks softly, surprised at how much the shakiness comes through in his voice despite his best efforts to mask it.

He half-expects Killua to say no, and he wouldn’t blame him–as hard as it would be, he would go back to the futon and sleep on his own. Instead, Killua peeps at him with one sleepy eye, and silently pats the bed beside him twice without a word. A second rush of relief passes through Gon at this, especially as Killua scoots over out of the middle of his bed to make more space. Gon feels a bit of déjà vu at this–haven’t they been in this situation before?

The two have grown some since a few years ago when they last shared Gon’s bed, and the bed is more snug than it was the last time, but Gon happily slides in next to Killua, and immediately feels a rush of emotion at feeling Killua’s warmth next to him. He lays on his back with his side up against Killua’s back–how they frequently used to sleep together, though the exact arrangement varied by the night.

“Gon, are you shaking?” Killua asks quietly, concerned.

“Yeah. I had a nightmare about something bad happening to you,” Gon says, taking a minute to take another shaky, deep breath. “I’m trying not to think about it. Do you ever have nightmares about what happened?”

“Of course I do,” Killua says, his voice low. “I have them a lot.” Gon feels his heart crack at this, at his exact tone and the thought of what Killua went through–what he put him through. He knows Killua has always had nightmares, and so the thought of his actions adding to them even more hurts. 

“I do, too,” Gon said. “It’s been really hard waking up from them and knowing you’re far away. So, tonight I’m glad you’re here with me again. I already feel better.”

Killua doesn’t say anything, just makes a small hum in response. After a while, he says, “Gon, look, I know…” He trails off, struggling with his words. “I know, since we hugged earlier, that…” He pauses for a long time, making it clear there are supposed to be words there that he simply can’t say. “I mean, it’s not just me, right?” He finally says, cryptically, trusting Gon to understand the words he can’t bring himself to say.

A shock runs through Gon, but he doesn’t know what to say in response, especially because of Killua’s reluctance to put real words to it. He just confirms, “No, it’s not just you.”

“Let’s…just stay like this tonight,” Killua says, hesitantly, almost like he can’t believe he’s saying this himself. “I know things aren’t going to stay the same for long. I can’t hold it back much longer, either. But, just for tonight…”

Gon can feel Killua’s heart beating in the places where they’re touching. It’s beating faster and stronger than he’s ever felt before. His heart starts beating faster too, feeling it like that.

“Killua. I’m happy with this. It’s okay.” Gon wants to say so much more, but it’s like Killua is frozen in place–now his breath sounds a little shaky, too. Gon tries the best he can not to push it–he was already worried he was pushing things too hard and too fast, wanting to be close because of the nightmare.

“Even now, I’m a little afraid to be honest with you. But, I’m happy, too,” Killua says, very quietly.

“I’m a little scared, too,” Gon confesses. “And also really happy.”

The two of them simply lay side-by-side, barely moving, as if that’s the only way they can keep the status quo from shifting out of its carefully, deliberately constrained state.

—

The day after, they eat a big breakfast, and spend the day walking around Whale Island, exploring and hanging out casually just like they used to during that summer a few years ago. Gon takes Killua to familiar places so they can reminisce, and tells him stories of some of the few new things that have happened in his life–mostly sightings of rare or interesting animals or talking with unusual visitors to the island and finding out things about the world he didn’t know through that. Meanwhile, Killua has plenty of stories about his time traveling with Alluka. Gon listens intently and happily to them, asking questions. It hurts, a bit, to not have been there for so much, but after everything Killua went through, he’s happy to know that the heartbreak of it didn’t consume him completely–that he was able to have fun adventures with someone at his side who could support him in a different way than Gon could.

He knows, in spite of everything, that they couldn’t stay together then–because of Alluka, because of other circumstances around Killua’s family that he doesn’t know all the details of, and also because they needed some time apart, to recover, to think it over, to reach a point where they could come back together again.

They sit by the lake where Gon caught the Lord of the Lake years ago–before he even knew Killua existed out in the world, far away from him but not for much longer–skipping rocks across the surface between talking.

“You know, I don’t have my nen any more. At least, not how I used to. But of course, it’s because I was the one who gave it up,” Gon says, sitting with his chin resting on his arms, which are folded on his knees. “Ging said I should just be grateful to be alive after what I did, and not want more. I know he’s right and of course I am grateful, but… It’s still hard to accept sometimes.”

“Well, you did throw it away. And I worked so hard to bring you back, you know!” Killua says with a mischievous catlike smile, poking Gon in the side with one finger as Gon puffs his cheeks grumpily.

“I know! I never forget about that, trust me,” Gon says, pouting a little. “But imagine if you didn’t have your nen any more!”

“I wouldn’t throw it away in the first place,” Killua teases, sticking his tongue out, and Gon sulks. Killua pauses for a bit, looking at Gon’s face, and his tone suddenly changes completely. “That’s a lie, though. I would have given it up to help Alluka, or you, or if there was some other awful situation where I had to. But I can’t help but tease you, it’s too serious otherwise.” He tosses a rock in the air a few times and catches it, testing its size and weight before skipping it.

“I know,” Gon says. “It’s still hard to talk about. I guess I don’t need my nen for now anyway. Now it’s my turn to figure out what I want to do. I’ve just been doing homework for now while I think about it. I don’t like it, but Aunt Mito keeps telling me I have to make up for all the time I was away.”

“It’s weird to think of Gon Freecss without a goal,” Killua says. “It’s not like you.”

“Well, there is one thing I want to accomplish,” Gon says. “But I don’t want to say what it is yet. I hope I can accomplish it soon, maybe.” He looks down, a bit bashful.

“Hmmm,” Killua says. “It’s rare for you to keep secrets, too.”

“There’s a reason for it, and I hope I won’t have to keep it for long.”

Killua doesn’t ask anything further, they just keep skipping stones as they sit side-by-side.

The two eventually head back for dinner, and everything is surprisingly peaceful and uneventful.

All day, Gon struggles to keep himself from initiating anything, and there are moments where he thinks maybe Killua will bring up the topic they both know is lingering in the air between them, but instead they just chat about odds and ends, as if the tension isn’t there. It reminds him of when they were younger, though their interactions are more subdued now, and a bit more awkward than when they were used to being together every day and so utterly accustomed to each others’ little quirks and routines.

Gon starts to wonder if Killua is having second thoughts–maybe the longer he’s back with him, the more he backs off of it. Maybe the painful memories are coming back and he’s balking about getting more involved again. The thought is rather crushing, if he’s honest with himself, now that his own feelings are constantly on the verge of overflowing, but he tells himself he’ll be patient, and let Killua do what feels right to him, no matter what that might be. 

He keeps thinking back to the previous night, Killua’s tentative words and fraught silences. His warmth and light scent next to him, the electric feeling of getting to be close to him all night, even shaken up as they both were. Part of him wishes he could just be content with this, not need anything more, but every time he looks over at Killua the keen longing envelops him anew. The way he’s grown up just a little in the time they were apart drives Gon crazy somehow. The change is subtle, after all it wasn’t that long, but just enough that every time he looks at him, it’s a fresh shock and a kind of want he’s never experienced. He’s sure he’s grown up some, too (even if it’s hard for him to notice from seeing himself every day), and at times he does catch Killua seemingly staring at him out of the corner of his eye, but he doesn’t want to read into it too much.

Gon tells himself not to expect anything, as hard as it is.

—

The two of them go to sleep separately, again with Gon on the futon and Killua in Gon’s bed.

Gon tries to shut his mind off, but he keeps rolling thoughts about Killua around in his head no matter what he tries. It’s impossible to get them to stop now. He manages to lull himself into a sort-of sleep state eventually, where his brain is mostly shut off, but he’s not entirely asleep. After quite a while in this state, he hears a small noise coming from his bed, a shuffle and a creak, but he figures it’s just Killua rolling over and ignores it.

All of the sudden, Killua appears by the side of the futon, kneeling to look at Gon, with his pillow under one arm. He seems to glow again in the moonlight. Gon’s breath catches in his throat at the sight of him there, and also at the meaning of him being in front of him now.

“Gon, can I sleep with you tonight?” He says, his voice just barely above a whisper. An extremely powerful feeling, indescribable, hits Gon at this moment.

Gon shuffles his blankets and then holds his arms out, widespread, looking at Killua hopefully, but he mentally steels himself to lower them if Killua doesn’t seem ready for it. Killua looks back at him and only hesitates for a second before accepting the invitation–he sets his pillow on the futon and then climbs onto it and into Gon’s arms in one quick, fluid motion. Gon hugs him tightly, happily, and as immediately as he possibly can, and Killua returns the embrace, wrapping his arms around Gon with a deep sigh. For a moment the two shuffle around, rearranging their limbs and getting settled, before deepening the embrace further, cuddling into each other as much as they possibly can.

For a long time, that’s all they can do–cuddle, mutually hugging like they’ve never done even once in all the times they’ve shared a bed, and Gon is so happy he almost feels like he can’t handle it–like every single time he thought of them doing just this has culminated in this one perfect instance. It’s better than he imagined, especially because he can tell by the way Killua is pressing into him that he loves it every bit as much. He finds himself tearing up again, like when they reunited, and he would feel more self-conscious about it if not for feeling Killua’s breath shuddering against him from crying himself. He pets Killua’s hair as reassurance for a while, and rocks him gently in his arms.

Gon has no idea how long they cuddle like this before finally pulling apart, it’s like everything but the warmth of Killua’s skin and his faint scent and everything about how their forms meet loses meaning entirely. It’s like their reunion hug but with a certain delicacy and vulnerability that being out in a public place didn’t allow, and the mood of it is heavier.

“It’s getting a little too hot, let’s take a break,” Killua says with a laugh,  his prior tearfulness coming through in his voice.

“We can do it again later, right?” Gon says, giving Killua a pleading look.

“Yeah, of course,” Killua replies, his voice wavering.

They reluctantly pull themselves apart, but still lay about a foot apart on the futon, silent for a while, processing. Gon watches Killua carefully in these moments. He can’t see all the nuances of his expressions with the moonlight coming through the window as their only light source, but he can tell Killua is deep in thought, grappling.

“Gon…” He says, then swallows hard, pausing for a while and breathing with intention, trying to gather himself. Finally he says, “I’m in love with you.”

Gon’s eyes go wide and a sudden jolt goes through him. It’s not as if he didn’t have a strong suspicion already, from the way they were just hugging, from Killua’s words the previous night that stopped just short of saying it–from several things, really–but actually hearing it from Killua, Killua finally being able to say it to him, makes him deeply emotional all over again. 

Killua doesn’t say anything for a moment, but Gon can tell he’s trying to work out what else to say–staring down at the futon with a pensive expression rather than looking at Gon–so he just reaches over and holds Killua’s hand, intertwining their fingers, rather than interrupting him. Killua seems heartened by this, squeezing his hand back.

“Actually, I’ve felt this way for a long time. But, I’ve always been too scared to tell you. I didn’t know if you felt the same way. For a long time I even felt like there was no way you could, like I was just weird for having feelings like this.” He takes a deep breath. “Everything we went through hurt even more because of that, but somehow even when I was hurting and even when we had to split up, I could never let go of wanting to be with you. I actually kinda hoped it would go away when we split up, but…it didn’t. It just made me realize it even more.”

Killua suddenly seems to get self-conscious of what he’s saying, like his awareness caught up with his mouth, and he mumbles, “So, that’s my big confession, I guess.”

Gon waits until he’s sure Killua is done talking for now. Killua looks kind of exhausted, but of course he listens intently and watches Gon’s face once he starts.

“I’m in love with you, too, Killua,” He says. “I’m really relieved you feel the same way!” 

Gon pauses, thinking, before starting again. His voice is soft, wistful. “I wish I had realized it before we split up. Actually, towards the end of when we were in Greed Island, my feelings started getting so strong that it was hard to ignore them. But I don’t think I understood what they were still, so it was confusing. After what happened in NGL, I just…I lost track of everything, including you, because all I could think about was what happened to Kite and how I could fix that, how it was my fault what happened. I started slowly realizing how I feel about you almost as soon as we split up, so I’ve thought about it a lot since then. It was hard to realize it then, though, because I felt so bad about what happened and how I treated you, but… Splitting up really made me understand how much you mean to me. I’ve been thinking about you all the time since we’ve been apart.”

Killua’s voice suddenly gets very serious. “Are you really sure you want to choose me like this? I mean, there are so many people who care about you, and after all, compared to you, I–”

Gon can’t help but interrupt Killua here, hurt that Killua would even think this way. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else. It has to be you, Killua! Even before I knew what my feelings meant, it’s always been that way. You don’t ever have to doubt that it’s you I want to be with.”

“When you came and got me at my house,” Killua says. “When I saw how beat up you were from getting me back. That’s when I started to feel this way. No one had ever done something like that for me. Of course, I already wanted to be your friend before that, but… Something in me shifted then, I guess.”

“I don’t know when my feelings started,” Gon says, thinking. “I was happy to be around you from the beginning. I always felt like I was being pulled towards you, even if I didn’t know what it meant for a long time.”

“I wish I had told you in Greed Island, when I started understanding what it all meant,” Killua says, an edge of sadness rising in his voice. “But I don’t think I could have back then. It’s hard enough even now. But, maybe things would have turned out differently.”

“Maybe…” Gon says. “But, I’m happy to be with you tonight on Whale Island. I’m happy that we made it through all the things we went through so that we can be together now. And I’m thankful for everything you did for me and that you still care about me even after everything.”

“Yeah,” Killua says. “I’m happy, too. I don’t really know what happens now, though, it’s not like I’ve ever confessed to someone before. I’ve imagined it a lot, but, well…”

“I know you have to return to Alluka in a few weeks,” Gon says, “But, let’s enjoy our time together until then. And then as soon as we can, let’s stay together again, too. Let’s be together as much as we can in the future, and do fun things, like we used to. And let’s keep talking about what happened and how we can stop anything like that from happening in the future.”

“Yeah,” Killua says. “That sounds good.”

There two of them go quiet then, reeling from what they’ve finally admitted, but they hold hands throughout their silence as a reassurance.

“Killua, I’m sleepy,” Gon finally says, and Killua takes that as his cue to roll over, closer to Gon again. He puts one arm out towards Gon and Gon happily takes the invitation to cuddle again, rubbing his cheek against Killua’s. As he wraps his arms around Killua, he can’t resist saying, “I love you, Killua.”

“I already said it once tonight, I’m not ready to say it again yet,” Killua replies. “It’s hard for me, you know, why do you think it took me so long to say it?”

“It’s okay,” Gon says. “I already heard it the first time, and you can say it again whenever you want to.”

As they lay facing each other in the dark, Killua swiftly and shyly kisses Gon on the cheek, and even with the dim lighting Gon can tell he’s blushing. Gon smiles and quickly returns the favor on Killua’s opposite cheek, and then Killua kisses his forehead, letting it linger just a moment longer than the kiss on the cheek. Both of them pause for a moment after that, knowing what comes next. 

Gon cups his hand on Killua’s cheek and holds in there for a while, watching Killua’s delicate, complex expression, now that he’s close enough to see those details even in the near-darkness. There’s a moment where Killua’s eyes flicker, like a provocation, and Gon takes that opportunity to lean forward and press his lips gently against Killua’s. He’s immediately amazed at the softness of Killua’s lips, and the fuzzy, tingly feeling that envelops him. He keeps it brief, tentative, just to let Killua respond however he wants to, but almost as soon as he pulls away Killua kisses him back, much more firmly and resolutely, and the feeling Gon had from the first kiss multiplies a few times over. He enthusiastically matches Killua and then some, and this time they let the kiss linger for a while, varying the pressure and enjoying the novel sensations. It’s simple–neither of them really know exactly how it’s supposed to work, but Gon already knows from the little bit he gets that this is something he’s excited to do a ton more–almost like they should have been doing this all along, like they were meant to kiss from the moment they met.

After that they lay back, dazed, smitten, emotionally overwhelmed.

“I’ve wanted this for so long,” Killua admits in a low, quiet voice. “For the longest time, I didn’t think it could ever happen, that I was wrong for feeling like this. I didn’t think these feelings would ever lead anywhere good.” Killua pauses, taking a deep breath, and then says, “I guess I was wrong.”

“I know there were parts where it didn’t lead anywhere good, for a while,” Gon says, pain leaking through into his voice. “But, isn’t it great that now we can just keep doing these kinds of things?” he adds brightly. “We’re only at the beginning!”

“Yeah,” Killua says, and Gon knows that that simple word contains more emotion and layers than such a simple utterance can normally contain.

They spend the rest of the night cuddling, dozing, and waking up now and then to kiss all over again, as if the previous times might have been a dream and they have to verify that they weren’t. There’s no room for nightmares at all.

—

A few nights later, they camp out on the same cliff where they stargazed a few years ago and cemented their first vow to stay together. It’s a clear, starry night, just like it was back then. Killua is actually surprised by the vast expanse of stars that spreads out in front of him once his eyes adjust to the darkness–he’s always remembered that night as having far brighter and more stars than usual, but now it seems like there are even more, even brighter, almost as if it can’t be real. It’s breathtaking, and Gon quietly and contentedly looks up at them beside him.

“Gon, for a while…” Killua says, swallowing down the fear of being vulnerable with Gon that he’s still grappling with. It’s getting a little easier, now that he longer has to hold back so many of his thoughts and feelings, but it’s still an uphill battle, and he suspects it will continue to be for a long time. 

“I thought of you as my light. Someone who led me out of dark places I didn’t want to be, into places I did. And then I nearly lost you, and I realized it wasn’t that simple. That you were also someone who could end up lost and hurt, like me. It was so hard to see you the ways I did, but in a way it made me feel like… Ah, maybe we have more in common than I thought. Maybe I can be someone else’s light, too, even though I have darkness in me. Now I feel like you’re my light again, but in a different way than before. I don’t have to stay in your shadow any more, instead we can both be a mix of light and darkness together.”

“You’re my light, too, though, Killua,” Gon says softly.

“I don’t remember everything that happened now, but I’ll never forget when you showed up shining like that, when you recognized me even when I didn’t look like myself any more. It made me realize at the last possible moment that I didn’t want to throw it all away. That I didn’t want to hurt you by leaving you behind, that I still wanted to have a future with you. And then you managed to save me even though it was really hard, and even though I pushed you away and hurt you and tried to leave you alone for good before that. So, it’s only because of you that I have a future. You led me into a bright place, too. All of the happiness that I have since then, even this moment now, it’s all because you and Alluka and Nanika saved me.”

“But you saved me first! If not for you, I’d be miserable in that house, living as a person I don’t want to be. Even everything that happened during the Palace Invasion, no matter how much it hurt, led to Alluka and Nanika being free. They’re grateful to you, too, even though they saved you.” Killua stops for a while, and then says, with a soft smile, “I guess we all saved each other, in the end.”

“Yeah,” Gon replies, staring up at the stars. “Killua, I’m happy when I’m with you.”

“I know,” Killua replies. “I’m happy when I’m with you, too.”

As the two of them sit in silence, holding hands, just watching the glittering stars, a shooting star flashes past–so bright the greenish light of it is reflected on both of their faces.

They both make the same wish, and neither has to say what it is because it’s obvious.

They trust that it will come true.

—

Gon wakes up next to Killua, and even though he sees him every morning and has for years, he still softens at the sight of him–white fluffy hair as always, currently sound asleep next to him, illuminated by a sunbeam streaming through the window. Killua’s a full adult now, and a magnificently handsome one at that, but Gon still thinks he looks like a kitty when he sleeps, the sharpness of his features relaxing and making him look younger again. He reaches over to stroke his hair because he just can’t resist and Killua stirs a bit, opening his eyes sleepily.

“Is there something we’re supposed to do today?” he says, confusedly.

“No, you can sleep in more if you want,” Gon replies, continuing to stroke his hair, but Killua gradually wakes up anyway, if with some reluctance. He leans his shoulder up against Gon’s.

“Did you sleep well?” Gon asks.

“How wouldn’t I, after last night?”

“Yeah, I slept like a rock,” Gon says, smiling at the memory.

Killua yawns and stretches, moving to get up, but Gon grabs his wrist before he can leave the bed.

“What’s up?” Killua says, and Gon suddenly pulls him back over, and then into a hug. Killua hugs him back, but with some confusion. “Why, all the sudden?”

Gon doesn’t reply right away, just keeps cuddling.

“Do you want a morning repeat of last night?” Killua laughs. It wouldn’t be the first time by any means.

“No,” Gon replies, pressing into Killua.

“Whoa, it’s unusual for you to say no!” Killua jokes. “Are you sure you’re okay?” He puts his hand up against Gon’s forehead as part of the bit, grinning.

“I just want to cuddle,” Gon requests, ignoring Killua’s teasing, and even though he’s not sure what spurred it, Killua is more than happy to oblige. Gon kisses the top of his head and the two spend quite a while soaking in each others’ warmth.

Cuddling like this is a regular part of their life now, something they do frequently, but neither of them lose sight of how much it took for them to reach this stable, peaceful life together–how much anguish and difficulty it cost to reach this point, and how many wishes they’ve been granted against all odds.

When they finally untangle themselves, Gon asks, “Killua, when was the last time you had a nightmare?”

“Hmmm, I don’t know… I guess quite a while ago, now that I think of it? I don’t really keep track, but I rarely have them now.”

Gon smiles, a big beaming smile. “Me too. I can’t remember the last time I had one.”