Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I tried to focus my eyes.

It was bright, overstimulating, and loud. I squinted as I tried to make sense of the odd shapes and objects moving around me.

What the hell kind of a game is this?

I desperately tried adjusting to the strange, flat lighting of my surroundings.

My vision slowlysettled as I looked around. I was… impressed. I have never played a virtual reality game that felt this immersive before. In fact, it was a bit unsettling. The atmosphere held an undeniably nostalgic air. Almost like CGI from-

“WHY HELLO THERE!”

My train of thought was interrupted by a loud, overly excited voice.

Huh? Wait… what’s happening…?

Where was I?

How did I get here…?

I could have sworn I was just thinking about something… I think? My head suddenly felt completely empty, any thoughts replaced by an extreme sense of dread. Something didn’t feel right at all.

I was completely entranced as I stared out ahead of me, completely zoned out from the stimuli around me. My eyes locked in on the colorful shapes, but I couldn’t process anything. I felt faint.

“Uhhh, hey! Anyone home? Haha!” said that loud voice again. I could hear it but still couldn’t process it.

Until I saw it appear in front of me.

It looked like a man wearing a ringmaster suit, but this wasn’t a man at all.

Two huge eyeballs stared at me, sitting between a set of giant teeth. He spoke, his mouth moving, with his eyes floating inside it as he studied me.

“Welcome to the Amazing Digital Circus, my friend!” said the floating set of teeth and eyes. I snapped out of my trance as I was trying to make sense of what the hell was happening. I felt sick to my stomach.

“Where am I?” I asked, silently wracking my brain to figure out how I ended up here.

“I just told you! The Amazing Digital Circus!” he, or it, exclaimed once more.

I slowly looked around, trying to piece together what happened, but it was as if my memory was erased. I vaguely remember putting on some sort of hat. No, a helmet? Or something like that… and now suddenly I was in this strange place? Ugh! It was driving me crazy! Why couldn’t I remember?!

“How do I get out of here?” I asked, feeling the panic inside of me creeping up. I was on the brink of absolutely freaking the fuck out. Something was very, very wrong. I scanned the room and looked at the people- er, characters? Wait, was this a video game or something? How I got here, it’s like it was on the tip of my tongue, but I just couldn’t quite remember. I was getting progressively more frustrated and panicked. “HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?!”

The characters around me looked at me awkwardly. My breathing was heavy as I looked back at them.

A small girl who looked like a jester. A frowning mask with a… ribbon body? A strange chess-piece looking creature dressed in a robe. A creature who looked like they were made up of random shapes. And… a rag doll?!

My eyes scanned these uncanny creatures slowly, still not being able to make sense of it all. I felt like I was trapped between reality and a dream-like state. But as I continued to take in my surroundings, I realized how very real my emotions were. This wasn’t a dream, this wasn’t a game. This was real.

“You can’t,” said a voice behind me. I swiftly turned around, to see a tall, slender character looming above me. A… purple rabbit?

I froze at the sight of him. “I can’t what?”

“Leave. You can’t leave.” He said, matter-of-factly, a shit-eating grin across his face.

My eyes widened as I tried to process his words, still fixed on the sight of him. His smug face held bright yellow eyes with the same color teeth. He wore pink overalls and had long bunny ears, adding to his already tall stature.

“Jax, please!” said another voice, this one smaller and softer. I looked around to see the jester looking character glaring at him. “I’m so sorry about him. My name is Pomni. Please don’t freak out, we can explain.”

The rag doll looking one added to her reassurance, “Hey there, my name is Ragatha. Everything will be okay, I promise!” She said sheepishly, but with a genuine kindness. She continued to introduce me to the others. “Zooble, Gangle, Kinger…. and you met Jax,” she said.

I was still having a hard time processing what the hell was happening.

“And I am Caine!” said the set of teeth and eyes. “And what would your name be?”

I didn’t know. I… didn’t know? I stood there in silence.

“Oh, don’t worry, I couldn’t remember my name either. Caine?” said Pomni gently, turning to Caine.

He took out a giant machine with letters spread across it and pulled a lever, randomly generating a word.

“___? How’s that for a name?” he said.

“Do I have a choice?” I asked irritably.

“Well, as a matter of fact, you do! What would you like to be called?”

How the hell could I have forgotten my own name?? My sense of self was slowly leaving my body. The panic started turning into hopelessness, like I was shutting down.

“Just… call me whatever you want,” I said, defeated.

“____ it is, then!” said Caine.

Caine proceeded to excitedly introduce me to the “Digital Circus”, dragging me around each area, like a tour. I couldn’t process much, as I was still so distracted by the devastating knot in my stomach. I looked down at my hands as his voice continued, with me barely listening. My hands… they looked sort of like paws. They had a pale yellow color with pink little pads where my palms should be. They didn’t look real. They had the same uncanny appearance as the others here.

We finally arrived back to the main area where I first appeared. I felt mentally exhausted.
“I think that I need to lie down…” I said.

“Ah. Ragatha, why don’t you show ___ here to her room? I have some business to attend to! Catch you later, now!” said Caine, as he disappeared into thin air.

Ragatha grabbed me by my hand and swiftly led me to a hallway. I walked with her as we made our way down.

“I know that you are probably so confused, and scared. We have all been there! But I want you to know that everything will be okay, I will always be here for you if you need anything, okay?” she reassured. I looked around at all the doors, each one adorned with a picture of the characters downstairs, along with some I didn’t recognize. And a few of them looked like they were crossed off, with a giant “X” right through their portrait.

“I’m so confused. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know who I am. I don’t understand….” I trailed off, my mind overwhelmed. “I just need to lie down, please.”

We finally approached a door with a portrait on it, one that I didn’t recognize. It vaguely resembled an animal. The face being the same pale yellow color as my hands, with long pastel blue hair in pigtails. Large doe-eyes with pink pupils stared back at me. The face was cat like, but it had bunny ears. Sort of like, what was his name, Jax?

“Awww, it looks just like you!” said Ragatha, genuinely admiring the resemblance. “You’re lucky you turned out so cute! Not all of us are that lucky, you know!” she looked at me, immediately noticing the panic in my eyes. “Oh, I’m so sorry… I guess I didn’t realize you haven’t seen yourself. Take as much time as you need, okay? Please let me know if you need anything. Just try to rest,” she said tenderly. She opened the door to my room. “Also, ___? Please don’t think about things too much, okay? I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

What did she mean by that?

I flopped down onto my bed as Ragatha gently closed my door and walked away.

I tried to sleep, but I quickly realized that that wasn’t possible. I hoped that I was at least able to rest my mind. I closed my eyes.

What the fuck is going on…..

Chapter Text

The morning came, or so I assumed. I opened my eyes to what felt like hours later. I searched my room for a clock, but there was no such thing.

I sat up in my bed, catching notice of my hands again. I stared at the paw-like appendages. Looking up, I noticed a mirror across the room.

I worked up the courage to get up and walk over to the mirror. I slowly peeked at myself, my terrified reflection staring back at me. Did I always look like this? I honestly couldn’t even remember, my appearance didn’t feel familiar at all. I felt panic creep up again as I took in what I was looking at, not believing that this face was mine. I was feeling completely overwhelmed all over again.

I remembered what Ragatha told me yesterday, what almost seemed like a warning. “Please don’t think about things too much, okay? I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.” Her words played over and over in my head. Trying not to panic was making it worse.

“I need some fresh air…”

I flung open my door and frantically tried looking for someone, anyone. I needed to distract myself from my own thoughts before they completely engulfed me. I made my way towards the area where I first arrived.

I was out of breath, my mind was failing me, pounding with dread and urgency. I turned a corner, nearly crashing into the person standing there. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked up at him.

“Can I help you?” he said, his voice radiating irritability. I ignored his tone and fixated on the word help.

“Yes… yes! Please, I need help. Help me, I don’t know, I don’t-“

“Alright now, snap out of it, kid. If you didn’t run off and hide last night, you probably wouldn’t be such a mess right now. Kinda rude to just dip like that while we were all trying to welcome you,” he said, with blaring condescension.

“Jax, can you PLEASE leave her alone?!” Ragatha’s voice rang out, hearing it giving me a sense of comfort. I flicked my eyes around and realized that everyone else was standing around me as well.

Jax… his presence was demanding. My eyes made their way back to him and lingered for a moment. There was something oddly intriguing about him. Well, aside from his shitty personality.

Jax rolled his eyes and pushed himself past me, knocking into my shoulder almost making me lose my balance.

“What the hell is your problem?!” I snapped back. He blatantly ignored me as he now stood on the other side of the group.

“I’m sorry about him. Please don’t pay him any attention,” Ragatha responded, glaring at him. “Hey are you doing alright?”

I froze. “Uhh. Yeah. I am. I guess I just really need some… answers here?”

Fortunately, I realized that the panic was subsiding. I just needed to keep talking, to keep my mind off of the distress. I decided to stick around the group, hoping for it to be a way to distract myself.

**************

I spent some time talking with the other members. I learned more about the digital world, like how we didn’t need to eat or sleep, rather we have the virtual sensations of them instead. I learned that the majority of the members have been here for years. But nothing I learned could truly help me with getting out of here, or remembering who I am, or why this is even happening at all. It seems like everyone else was clueless about those things as well.

I felt myself shutting down. My body might not be real, or, well, it might be? I still wasn’t sure. But my thoughts and emotions were undeniably authentic. I could tell my brain was trying to protect myself from this traumatizing experience, but I welcomed it fully. I was completely disassociated.

This… is my life now.

“Hey, Ragatha?” I spoke softly, as if trying not to rile up my mind again. “Why are we all standing around here, anyways?” I asked, changing the subject.

“If you didn’t run off last night you’d know,” Jax muttered under his breath. I shot him a nasty glare.

Ragatha told me about how Caine gives us adventures everyday as a way to keep ourselves busy. She encouraged me to play along and try to have some fun with them.

“Alright then… well, what’s the adventure today?” I asked.

“Not sure yet! It’s getting close to when Caine usually comes to announce them, so we have all just been hanging out while we wait,” she said. Her smile was genuine but I couldn’t help but to detect a hint of uncertainty and trepidation.

Caine suddenly appeared, as if on cue.

“Sorry to keep you folks waiting! It’s time for the next ADVENTURE!” he exclaimed. “Ah! Look who’s back from her little breakdown! Don’t worry, dear! You’ll have lots to do today to keep your mind off things!”

I stared back at him, expressionless.

“…. Anyways! Today, we are venturing out into the grounds, where you will have the marvelous opportunity to search for my- I mean, a mysterious treasure chest!”

“A treasure chest?” said Gangle, with some excitement and hope peaking through her depressed disposition.

“Yes! Er, well, maybe more like a… box. A cardboard box. That holds some very important items! That I… may or may not have misplaced but nonetheless! Just make sure to watch out for any surprising obstacles!” he said, and with a snap of his fingers, we were suddenly transported to a different area.

After the initial shock of suddenly being displaced, I looked around me. Caine was gone, and it seemed like we were somewhere outside. There were trees and plants, but it all looked fake, almost like they were 2 dimensional. A digital river flowing through the smooth green grass that covered rolling hills. I couldn’t help but to think it was sort of pretty, apart from the uncanny textures.

“Well, it seems like this will be a pretty easy adventu-“ started Ragatha, only to be interrupted by Jax.

“Alright fellas. Let’s get this over with,” he said, completely taking charge of the situation. “We’re gonna partner up. Kinger and Gangle, you two will search near the river. Ragatha and Pomni, you two will cover the trees.” He hesitated as he looked at Zooble and I. He quickly scanned his surroundings, and then with a big shit-eating grin, looked me right in the eyes. “You, whatever your name is. You’re with me.”

Wha..? Why did he…

“Oh, Zooble, I’m sure you’ll be useful enough on your own.” his grin widening as he dismissed them.

Zooble mumbled something under their breath as they walked away, clearly irritated.

“Ummm-“ I started to say, but Jax talked over me. “Let’s go,” he said, briskly strutting away from me.

I ran to catch up with him. Why did he partner himself up with me? Is he planning on pulling some sort of stunt to get under my skin? I struggled to keep up with him, for every step he took I took about three. As much as he aggravated me, I wanted to stick by his side; I was not in the right state of mind to be left alone here. I desperately wanted to ask him why he chose to do this with me, but I didn’t bother, knowing I would just get some annoying, snarky response.

“Where are we searching?” I asked instead. He looked down at me, unamused. “If you’ll be patient, you’ll see in just a minute,” he said.

We approached what looked like a small cave on the side of a rock formation. We stopped in front of the entrance. The cave was so dark that I wondered if there was anything in there at all, or if it was just a black void.

“I’m about 99% sure his stupid box is in this cave. But there’s no way that I can fit in there, so in you go! I knew you’d be helpful!” He said, gently pushing me inside, but hard enough that I stumbled in. “What the HELL, Jax?!” I yelled back. But once I was inside the cave, all I could see was pitch black. I tried to adjust my eyes to see if I could make out any source of light, but there was nothing. I turned around and the entrance wasn’t there either. I felt the panic and dread making their way to the front of my mind again.

“…Jax?”

Chapter Text

One part of my mind trying to panic, the other shutting down. I reached towards where I entered the cave. Nothing. I took a few steps forward, but I could barely feel the ground beneath me. The dark thoughts wanting to find their way to the forefront of my brain again. No, no, no ….

“JAX! Get me out of here, asshole!” I pleaded, not sure if he would even hear me. I almost didn’t finish my sentence when I felt a hand grab my upper arm and yank.

Disoriented, I adjusted my eyes to the relieving sensation of light. I blinked at Jax, who was still gripping my arm. “What the HELL was that?!” I was more frustrated than I was scared at this point. 

“Whoops. Wrong cave,” he said, with that irritating, smug smile. He was getting on my absolute last nerve.

“Can you explain to me what your problem is?! I’m already going through enough right now, and I really don’t want to deal with your insufferable attitude,” I snapped, “and get your hand the fuck off of me.”

Jax was still wearing his smug smile, but his eyes looked a bit taken aback at my retort. He pulled his hand away, but leaned down right next to my face.

“You’re a feisty little thing aren’t you?” He taunted, his voice low. He snickered, standing up, not breaking eye contact. I felt my cheeks get a little warmer than usual.

Oh, no. No no no. Why am I blushing?!

Welp. I am officially going insane .

I whipped my head around, now filled with anger more than anything else. I swiftly made my way in the opposite direction of this asshole, but he easily caught right up.

“I’m going with Ragatha and Pomni,” I insisted, as I kept stomping away from him.

“Whaaaat? You don’t want to be my partner anymore? Wow, that hurts!” His sarcasm grating on my ears. I was about to turn around with some poorly planned comeback, until we heard Ragatha and Pomni shouting at us, running.

“Oh, look. They found the box,” Jax huffed, clearly not amused. “This was the lamest adventure yet.” He crossed his arms, sulking.

I scowled at him. “Will you quit pouting like a child?”

He raised an eyebrow at me, but said nothing.

Sigh.

The others noticed Ragatha and Pomni approaching with the box, and gathered around. Caine appeared almost instantly, as if he was watching and waiting for us to find it.

“My box! Great job, everyone!”

He promptly teleported us back into the circus. “Congratulations on completing this adventure!”

“That wasn’t an adventure. It sounds like you were just using us to find your stupid box,” Jax grumbled, still acting like a little bitch about not doing something ‘cool’ enough, or whatever the hell he’s into.

Caine entirely disregarded Jax and immediately gave the box to his sidekick Bubble, who teleported away with it.

Looking at Caine, I still couldn’t figure him out. There was something off about him compared to the rest of us. He seemed completely out of touch, yet had a mysterious omnipotence about him. I made a mental note to ask Ragatha more about him later.

Without thinking, my eyes wandered from Caine to Jax. He still had an irritated look on his face. I studied his tall stature, his strange but expressive face, and his bunny ears that were almost… cute? As reluctant as I was to admit that to myself. Maybe I was just subconsciously drawn to them because I somehow turned out with bunny-like ears as well. Not that I was thrilled to have anything in common with him or anything. What a prick. I thought back to a little while ago, how close he got to me-

I jumped as I felt a hand on my shoulder, realizing just how deep in thought I just was. I turned to see Ragatha, relieved that she snapped me out of my trance.

“Did you hear him? He said that we get a special prize for finding his box!” she said. I was starting to get the suspicion that Ragatha was making this all sound a lot more exciting than it really was, probably as a way to keep me engaged.

“Oh? Okay, that’s… cool. Uhh… Ragatha, are all of the adventures like this?” I asked.

Her eyes shifted to the ground. “Ehhh, no. Not really. Honestly, Jax was kinda right. I think this one was just an excuse for us to do a little bit of his dirty work. But that’s okay, I’m sure he just didn’t want to overwhelm you! Even more than you already are, you know?” She rubbed her neck nervously, like she was afraid to say anything more that might unsettle me.

I turned back to Caine. “Uh… what’s our prize, then?”

Caine laughed and told us that we are going to have the privilege of watching a meteor shower tonight.

A meteor shower…

For the first time since my arrival, I felt a tinge of excitement. I’m sure that I have seen a meteor shower before… right? Just the mention of it made me feel a sense of comfort. Surely, in this digital realm, it wouldn’t be real, but I hoped that it would feel real enough. I hoped that it could at least distract me from the perpetual sense of dread that’s been consistently on the edge of spilling into my mind. I had to keep pushing those thoughts down. I had to keep doing anything I could to keep myself sane.

“Wow, I didn’t think this day could get any more boring,” mumbled Jax, under his breath as he started making his way away from the group.

I watched him as he sulked away.

*****************

The night came. Or, more so, the two dimensional moon replaced the two dimensional sun in an instant. We all made our way to the grounds for the meteor shower. Everyone else seemed rather excited about it as well. I was curious to see what this would be all about.

I looked at the sky. It was strange. The moon had a friendly face. There were stars in the sky. Well, literal 5 pointed stars, as if someone drew them. But there was sense of serenity. I wholly welcomed this feeling.

We all sat around, I listened to the others making small talk as I found myself entranced by the night time sky. Soon enough, we started seeing shooting stars. Frankly, it wasn’t as beautiful as my brain made me think it would be. But staring up at them, with this new found sense of tranquility… it was encouraging.

I thought about my time here so far. How welcoming everyone has been, especially Ragatha. I thought about all the possibilities this world has to offer, what other ‘adventures’ Caine has in store for us. I started wondering what my life was like before this…

Until my damn mind found its way to Jax again. I looked around, realizing he was nowhere to be found. Huh. He might actually be pretty pissed off about not having as much excitement as he wanted today. He’s probably in his room pouting still.

Ugh, can you stop thinking about him?! Who cares what he’s up to. All he does is strut around with that smug ass grin, telling people what to do, mocking and patronizing everyone every chance he gets. I hated him. I hated him for being a jerk to me and the others. I hated him for pushing me in that cave, for not taking me seriously, for … not staying out of my fucking head.

Shit.

Chapter Text

After the rather anti-climactic yet peaceful meteor shower, we all made our way back to our rooms.

I instinctively felt nervous to be by myself again, but the tame events of tonight gave me a little more peace of mind, more or less.

I entered my room and closed the door behind me. Turning around, I jumped probably 2 feet in the air when I saw a figure standing in my room, that brief sense of tranquility immediately reversing back into fear, although I quickly realized the unwelcome visitor was none other than Jax.

“Excuse me?! What are you doing in here? How did you get into my room?! How long have you been-“

“Calm down, sweetheart,” he said, flopping down onto my bed, making himself comfortable. “Just wanted to say hi! Is that such a crime?” His cocky tone never faltering.

“How did you even get in here?!”

“I have keys to everyone’s room,” he said, matter of factly.

I didn’t have the mental capacity to push or argue about it. I was exhausted, and was looking forward to finally having a somewhat peaceful night. The last thing I needed right now is to be bothered by the one person here who gives me the most aggravation. Defeated, I sat down on my bed next to him, my head in my hands, hoping that this would be quick so he could get the hell out of here.

“I wonder what Caine had in that box,” he questioned, although I had a feeling he didn’t actually care, and was more so trying to annoy me by avoiding my questions.

I was silent, my eyes closed as my head continued to rest in my hands. Although, the feeling of being alone with him in my room like this made me feel something even more unexpected than his visit.

It must have been a mixture of things. My mental exhaustion, my anxiety that creeps up when I’m alone with my thoughts too long, or the beginning stages of absolutely losing my mind. But I felt a strange sense of comfort being near him. His intriguing persona undoubtedly captivated me, as much as I hated to admit it. I was so curious about him. He is the only one here that didn’t seem concerned about going insane. Ah, that must be it. Everyone else here had an air of anxiety, whether it be obvious or subdued. But with Jax, I didn’t sense an ounce of anxiety from him. Arrogance, yes. But maybe if I dug a little bit, I could figure out how to be more like him and make the best out of this place.

“Jax…? Can I ask you something? And I’m being serious, I don’t want to hear any of your snarky remarks” I lifted my head and looked at him lounging on my bed, his elbows up with his hands behind his head as he lay on his back, legs crossed. He peeked at me, a sense of interest in his eyes behind his complacent grin.

“Shoot.”

I was rather surprised at his invitation for me to speak.

“How long have you been here…?”

He glanced over at me, his smile disappearing. There was a brief look of irritation in his eyes.

“Ehhhh. A while,” he said, closing his eyes, leaning back his head again.

“Are you ever worried about… you know, going… crazy?”

Silence.

“Let’s talk about something else,” he said, his grin returning.

This might be harder than I thought.

“Okay… well, can I ask you… why you’re in my room?”

He groaned, as if I was the one being annoying. He sat up, making direct eye contact with me. He didn’t look amused.

“Let me ask you something, sweetheart.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“No? What about darling? Is that okay?” He snickered, he was obviously trying to get under my skin at this point, but I couldn’t help but to feel my face heat up from the pet name.

“Just call me by my name! Look, Jax… I had a long day and I was looking forward to coming back here and relaxing. I really am not in the mood for your sass right now.”

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more frustrated in my life. He drove me absolutely crazy. He could probably tell that he was getting on my nerves, and thought it was entertaining. But something inside of me didn’t want him to go away. It’s not like I thought our banter was fun… he was an immature asshole. That’s it. Period. I was obviously going crazy and felt a desperate need for interaction, that’s all.

My thoughts were interrupted by the motion of him bouncing up from my bed, onto his feet. “Well, darling. If you’re just going to sit there all night acting catatonic, I’m just gonna head out.”

“Wait. Jax. Please, stay.” I said, without thinking, immediately regretting my words.

He laughed. “Oh, so NOW you want to be around me?”

I was reaching my breaking point.

“What the FUCK is your problem?! I arrived here, I have no idea what the hell is going on, I’ve been on the verge of a mental breakdown this whole time, and I have to deal with your bullshit?! Did I die and go to Hell?! Why are you fucking with me??.”

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn’t understand why I was letting him affect me this much.

Jax stopped in his tracks. We looked at each other, his face an obvious display of unease.

“Sweetheart. There is so much you don’t know.”

Chapter Text

What did he mean by that?

“Well yeah, obviously. I’ve only been here for like, one full day,” I responded, desperately trying to sound snarky to hide my emotions. But my voice cracked on the word ‘day’, and I couldn’t stop the tears. I turned my head away to hide my obvious display of emotion, but it was clear at this point that I was upset. I excepted him to laugh in my face at my despair, but to my surprise, he held his serious expression.

It took everything in me not to completely break down. Not in front of Jax, anyone but him. I briefly considered running out and finding Ragatha instead, but I couldn’t move. Whether I liked it or not, I was drawn to Jax.

He stepped closer to me.

“Go ahead, insult me. Make fun of me for being weak. Push me down and laugh at me or something,” I said, with a desperate whine in my voice, my face in my hands.

I felt his hand on my shoulder. I froze, expecting him to say or do something rude. But to my surprise, his hand stayed there. It was such a soft and gentle grip, I looked up at him just to make sure my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me and it was still Jax I was talking to.

He had a cold stare, his eyes shifting to the floor after I made eye contact with him. I couldn’t figure it out. He looked almost emotionless, but with the tiniest bit of something else showing through. Annoyance? Frustration? I wasn’t sure.

“Look… I don’t think you should be alone tonight. Why don’t you just let me stay here for the night?”

My brows furrowed at his words. He’s gotta be messing with me, right?

“Wha- … Jax, I- what are you-“

“Will you quit your blabbering and listen to me? Like I said, I know a lot more than you do. And I thought that maybe… I could… help you.” It sounded like it took every ounce of his being to force those words out, like it pained him to say them. His grip on my shoulder tightened, but was still gentle.

I was getting a little overwhelmed at this point, but my tears stopped. I broke free from his grasp and sat down on my bed again.

“If I let you stay here, do you promise you’ll answer a few of my questions?” I said, with a more confident tone this time.

His face changed once more, this time defaulting back to his signature smirk.

“We’ll see.”

****************************

At this point, I assumed my emotional turmoil was leading me to be desperate for any sort of social interaction. My mind was spinning with questions, ones that probably didn’t even have answers. I was mentally exhausted, but as I’ve figured out, our bodies don’t get tired. It was strange feeling like I wanted to sleep, but didn’t actually need to. I just wanted to feel some sort of escape. But here was Jax, making himself comfortable as if this were his room, lounging on my bed. I sat up next to him, eyes fixed on the black and white patterns on my carpet. As much as I felt comforted to be in someone’s company, I couldn’t deny the unease in my stomach. I didn’t fully trust Jax. I was on edge, half expecting him to only be here for his own nefarious ulterior motives, or to fuck with me somehow. But I pushed those fears down. I’ll accept it if this means I’m not alone tonight.

“Why do you want to help me?” I finally said.

Jax looked at me with an amused face, as if he was suddenly having fun. “I’m bored. I have nothing but time here.”

I wasn’t amused.

“Why didn’t you go to the meteor shower?”

His smile faltered for a split second.

“I had better things to do.”

“Like hang out in my room without me here?”

“Listen, sweetheart. I have been here for years. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that we can’t leave. I have seen a lot of people come and go, and frankly, you’re no different. We might never remember exactly what life was like before this, but lemme tell you, there are small things here and there you’ll start to remember over time.”

Wow. Finally some valuable information for once.

I perked up. “Really? What do you remember from before you were here?”

“Just small, unimportant details. Like the fact that I was a human who liked playing video games. And that I was cool.”

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, then… well, answer me this. Why are you so…. awful to everyone here?”

“Awful? Why, because I like to rile up the idiots I’m forced to be with all the time?” He sat up and leaned towards me. His demeanor shifted, like I insulted him.

“I’m sooo awful because I get joy from seeing them squirm?” He was clearly getting agitated, I leaned away from him but he kept getting closer.

“How awful of me to take time out of my day to check in on you. You don’t know anything about me.” Oh, he was mad.

I gathered my thoughts for a second before I responded.

“Jax, I think that you are lonely. And I think that you bully people to distract yourself from your own inevitable breakdown.“ I was stern, hiding any potential indicator of fear in my voice.

He grabbed me by the shoulders again, this time not as gentle. His face was inches away from mine, his eyes cold and dark.

But I kept going.

“And I also think that you hide behind this tough guy persona, but underneath, you’re just as scared as everyone else here.”

“You’re WRONG” He raised his voice, his grip tightening even more, only letting go to push me down. My back hit the mattress, my heart racing, but I welcomed it. I was finally getting to him. He didn’t hesitate to climb on top of me and grab my wrists.

“You’re only angry because you know I’m right,” I teased. I wasn’t actually sure if I was right, but after seeing him get so worked up, I started to think that maybe I was.

His breath was heavy as he held me down.

“You little bitch. You think you can come in here and start acting like you know everything about me?!”

I didn’t struggle. He wasn’t hurting me. I looked up at him glaring into my eyes, trying his hardest to intimidate me. This only validated my suspicions. Knowing that I hit a nerve and successfully got under his skin gave me what I could only compare to an adrenaline rush. This is exactly the type of distraction I needed. I felt my anxiety wash away as excitement replaced it. I smiled.

His glare intensified when he saw me smile. He leaned down closer to me, his mouth nearly touching the side of my face as he growled in my ear.

“You want to know the real reason I came to your room tonight?”

“Yeah. I would, actually,” I crooned, making it clear he wasn’t scaring me.

I felt his grip on my wrists soften. He pulled his head back slightly to look at me again. I watched his face go from hostile to an expression of defeat.

My anxiety was subdued and I felt confident. Knowing that I was able to do this to him gave me a sense of power, of control. Something that had been absent for me since arriving here.

“I came here… because I wanted to spend time with you.”

I was taken aback. I would have assumed he was fucking with me, but I could sense the vulnerability from him. Without thinking, I reached up. I held my hand on his face. I made sure my touch was slow and tender, not to aggravate him again.

He let me keep my hand there for a few seconds longer than I was expecting, until he pulled away, sitting up.

He looked absolutely… flustered.

“Uh….”

“Are you speechless for once or something?” I teased.

He stood up. “This wasn’t a good idea. I’m… leaving.” He started making his way towards my door. I wanted to stop him but it happened so fast, I was flabbergasted.

I jumped up and ran over to try to grab him before he walked out, but it was too late. He slammed the door in my face. I stood there staring at the space he took up just a second ago.

Dumbfounded, I collapsed back onto my bed. The tears I tried so hard to hold back earlier returned, and I let them flow this time. I lay there in the dark, trying to piece together what just happened.

I knew I struck a nerve in him. But why did he react like that when I touched him? I was under the impression he was being vulnerable with me. My mind swirled back and forth, trying to figure out my feelings, replaying what happened over and over again, trying to pinpoint exactly what could have pushed him out like that.

My mind was giving up for the day. It was too exhausted. I fell into slumber, alone once again.

Chapter Text

~ JAX’S POINT OF VIEW ~

Jax lay in his room while everyone else was attending the meteor shower. He stared at the ceiling, feeling something he could only compare to anger. But he didn’t feel angry, per se. In fact, he couldn’t identify exactly what he was feeling. He hated to admit it, but the arrival of this new member had really gotten on his nerves. There was something about her that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He had seen many people come and go, but this is the first time that someone pissed him off this much.

“Fuuuuuck.”

Jax stood up and looked around, feeling like he needed to do something about this. He needed to talk to her, study her. Figure out why the hell she has been such a significant part of his thoughts. It was driving him mad. He searched his pocket to find the key to the room she was in. He looked down at it, contemplating if this was a good idea.

———————————————————

Six Months Ago (Approximately)

Kaufmo the clown made another one of his… not so funny jokes. Like always, everyone laughed to make him happy. Even Jax played along for Kaufmo sometimes.

Jax had been stuck here for what felt like years now, but it was almost impossible to know exactly how long. He spent most of his time bored out of his mind. The only thing that made him feel any sort of excitement anymore was the occasional violent adventure Caine sent them on. Ever since he was a kid, he was always drawn to the video games where you could run around with guns and murder everyone in sight. He thought it was hilarious.

“Alright, Kauffy. Enough with the jokes. We got some business to take care of,” Jax said, giving Kaufmo a mischievous smile.

Kaufmo nodded knowingly as they walked off together.

“…what was that all about?” asked Ragatha, sounding nervous about what they could be up to.

“Bowling. They’re just going bowling,” grumbled Zooble.

Years ago, when Jax first arrived at The Digital Circus, he was young and naive. Simply impressed by the realistic feel of this video game and ready to go fuck shit up. Until someone asked him his name, and he realized he didn’t only forget that, but had forgotten just about everything in his life leading up to this point. Eh, it must have just been part of the game’s experience or something.

Seeing his “avatar” for the first time, he was absolutely pissed off to see himself as a purple rabbit in pink overalls. “Are you fucking kidding me,” he thought. “could I literally be anything less cool?!” But he quickly realized he couldn’t change his appearance. There were no other options for clothing. “What the hell kind of a game is this, anyway?!” He was getting annoyed. He tried to find a menu option to quit. Any sign of an exit, but there was nothing. He didn’t want people to think he was afraid or anything, so he played along. Acting like he already knew exactly what was going on, as if he owned the place. Whatever, he figured he would get out of there eventually.

The only person there he seemed to get along with right away was Kaufmo. He was the one that helped Jax through his first days, explaining everything to him and warning him to keep his anxiety in check. He was also the one that told Jax that, unfortunately, there is in fact no way to leave. Jax felt a brief sense of panic creep up inside of him, but quickly pushed it back down. “Nah. That’s bullshit.”

Until, the first time he saw someone abstract. It was a wake up call. They went crazy, reached their breaking point, and the next thing he knew, they were gone. Forever. But he saw these people as weak, and swore to himself he would do whatever it takes to avoid the same fate. He had too much pride and would never let himself be weak like those pathetic losers, and he knew Kaufmo was smart enough to avoid abstraction as well.

After being there for a while, he ended up coming to terms with the fact that maybe there really is no way to leave. He struggled with it at first, but every time he felt a little more anxiety than he liked, he’d push it down and go look for a way to entertain himself, which usually meant going to see what Kaufmo was up to. Or pissing someone off. As long as he could keep distracting himself with seeing other people suffer, he felt comfort in knowing it would be them and not him.

Out of all the time that Jax was here, Kaufmo was the closest thing that he had to a friend. He’d never let him know that, though. As they made their way to go bowling, he put up his hand for a high five, but slipped his hand away at the last second.

“Too slow, asshole,” he joked.

Kaufmo smirked and playfully pushed him.

It was all fun and games.

Even though he never called Kaufmo his friend, everyone knew their relationship was different. Kaufmo was the only person that Jax didn’t purposely aggravate. He teased him, sure, but it was never malicious. Kaufmo knew that Jax just had a tough exterior, and saw him like a little brother. He never pushed or prodded, and always made sure to help Jax with pranks, or partner up with him on adventures, especially if he noticed Jax was ever on edge. Jax never really felt alone with Kaufmo around. To Jax, he was satisfied with having his one partner in crime.

Until the day that Kaufmo abstracted.

Jax remembered it perfectly. It was just a few days after they went bowling. The day Pomni arrived.

Naturally, he played it cool. He could never let anyone know that he cared. But he slowly started to realize that it tore him apart inside. Ever since then, he became more aggressive, taking his anger out on everyone around him even more than usual. Even if he didn’t realize it, it was now his only way to distract himself and stay in control. 

He skipped Kaufmo’s funeral. He knew he would get emotional, and he would rather abstract than to let anyone see him like that. He was not weak. 

He pushed the pain deep inside of him and built a wall around it. He swore that he would never let himself get close to anyone again. There was no point, they would just leave him anyways. 

———————————————————

Present Day 

Jax made his way to her room. He looked around, contemplating what he was going to say. 

Part of him wanted to lash out on her. But the other part was genuinely curious about her and wanted to know more. This feeling was so unfamiliar to him. His thoughts were interrupted as she entered her room. He tucked away any inkling of emotion and gave her the cockiest smile he could manage. 

Chapter Text

I opened my eyes the next morning, feeling a little bit better, but the thoughts of last night rushed back to me immediately.

I sighed as I got up. I might as well make my way down and see what Caine had in store for us today. Maybe I could try spending some more time with Ragatha and get somewhat of a break from all this bullshit with Jax.

As I approached everyone, I couldn’t help but notice Jax sitting there by himself. He was leaning back, looking down and studying his hands with a completely unamused look on his face. He didn’t acknowledge me at all. Ouch.

I spotted Ragatha and went over to greet her. Her presence always seemed to comfort me. She had a maternal demeanor, genuinely caring about the well-being of everyone here. Even though I could always sense a slight, constant anxiety from her, she always made it a point to stay positive. I really admired that about her.

“Hey you! You look refreshed, you must have slept well! Did you have a good night?” She smiled warmly at me.

Ha.

“Yeah, I guess. Hey Ragatha, what’s the deal with Jax today?”

I made it seem like I was simply making small talk, as I’m sure everyone noticed he was being quiet and detached this morning. But I was curious to know if she knew anything about it.

“Oh, Jax? I think he’s just grumpy today. He gets like that sometimes, but don’t bother trying to talk to him about it unless you want to piss him off… I’m sure he will lighten up once we go on our adventure later!”

My eyes shifted back to look at him. Finally, he looked up at me, narrowing his eyes as our gazes met. He scoffed, and made it a point to turn around, his back now facing me.

What a prick.

**********************

The adventure we went on today was definitely more exciting than the last one. We were in a jungle like setting, given the task to fend off disgusting looking creatures and then to defeat their leader to bring peace back to the jungle.

I knew none of it was real. I knew that Caine had set up these NPC’s for our own amusement, and they’ll respawn, so I didn’t feel too bad as I slashed through them, watching them explode with confetti as they disappeared. I spent the majority of this adventure with Ragatha, and I admit that it was actually kind of… fun?

Until I noticed Jax. He was in his element. It was almost alarming. I watched from a distance as he destroyed the creatures in the most gruesome ways possible. It was kind of funny to see him getting so into it, but I couldn’t help but feel concerned about the fact that he found so much pleasure from “killing” them, even if they were just NPC’s. 

We didn’t speak to each other the whole time. It’s not that I didn’t want to, in fact it was really starting to bother me that he was completely ignoring me. I continued to focus on the task at hand, although I could feel my mind constantly trying to wander back to him.

When we finally defeated the leader, a portal opened. We stepped through, back at the circus.

“Congratulations! You have defeated the creatures and their leader!” Caine exclaimed. “Now it’s time for your prize!”

Is this going to be the same thing every single day? Going on a meaningless adventure, then getting teleported back, greeted by a prize from Caine? God, I can see why Jax gets pissed off when they aren’t interesting enough. This has to start getting old eventually here. How many adventures can Caine possibly make up to keep us entertained?

“Today, your prize is something special. It’s a brand new area, right here in the circus tent!”

We all looked over, watching a new area start to materialize.

“This, my friends, is a very special room. I know how much you loved that meteor shower last night, so I made a room where you can look outside and watch them every night! It’s called… The Observatory!”

Huh. That was actually kind of cool. I remembered how peaceful it was to experience the night sky here, even if it did look strange.

I heard a groan, unmistakably coming from Jax. “Come on. That’s so boring,” he whined.

Caine froze and stared at him for a moment.

“Thanks for the feedback, Jax!” He said, in his signature theatrical tone, as he promptly disappeared.

******************

I wanted to check out the observatory tonight, but I still couldn’t get Jax out of my mind. It was starting to drive me crazy. How could he just act like nothing happened last night? He was obviously in a mood today. I wondered if it was because of last night, or if he really did just get pissy like this sometimes.

I quickly realized that the thought of him was not leaving my head anytime soon. I assumed he was in his room, so I made my way down.

I stopped at his door, staring at the portrait of him plastered on it. His goofy face smiling at me. It was kind of cute. And it pissed me off.

I built up the courage to knock a few times. No answer.

“Jax?” I called out sheepishly.

I waited around for a few minutes but there was nothing. Was he really still going to keep ignoring me like this? My heart dropped a bit as I started walking away. I really wanted to at least try to talk to him, see if there was anything I could do or say to at least get rid of this awkward tension between us.

I sulked to the main room again, my eye catching the new observatory. I could use a little peace and quiet. I decided to check it out.

It was a round room, with a huge glass dome for a ceiling. There were some oddly shaped couches and chairs scattered around lazily. I guess Caine wasn’t too worried about the interior design, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that it was definitely cozy and peaceful in there. I chose a seat and relaxed, staring up at the night sky again, letting it envelope me in its tranquility.

“Hey.”

I flung my head around, the unexpected voice snapping me out of my trance.

Jax stood there, arms crossed. He frowned at me.

“Can I… help you?” I asked, still thrown off guard.

“Probably not,” he said, as he made his way over to me.

He seated himself right next to me. “You know, there’s a bunch of other seats in here,” I grumbled. I couldn’t help but to notice how close he was to me, our legs almost touching as we sat. I made a conscious effort to keep my leg still so that it wouldn’t brush up against his.

He grinned at me. “What? You don’t want to sit next to me?” He said, sarcastically.

He confused the hell out of me. He lashed out on me last night, stormed away after I touched his face, ignored me literally all day today, and now here he is. Being his cocky self, like none of that happened.

I didn’t say anything, but neither did he. We sat there in silence together for a while. I felt awkward at first, but after a few moments of leaning back, looking up at the sky together, I started to feel happy to be in his presence. Happy to be somewhere peaceful, with someone else to share it with.

I wasn’t alone.

As we continued to look up, my eyes shifted over to peek at him. He was completely entranced by the stars. His face looked calm, a nice change from all the negative emotions he’s been displaying lately.

I thought about how Jax came in here and sat next to me on his own accord. He had complained about how lame the stars were, and how boring the observatory is, yet here he is. I still wasn’t exactly sure why he was here, but I couldn’t help but to think that maybe he was enjoying being next to me as well.

Our silence finally broke.

“Watcha lookin at?” He said, smiling, not taking his eyes off the night sky.

I quickly averted my gaze, feeling my cheeks get hot. I totally zoned out while looking at him, and he definitely just noticed. Ugh.

He relaxed his neck and looked down at me, my eyes still averted.

I involuntarily held my breath when I felt his hand on my chin. He grabbed it and gently pulled my face towards his, forcing me to look right at him.

“You know, you really hurt my feelings last night!” He said in that sarcastic tone. “I just wanted to stop by and say hi, and you dug a little too deep there, didn’t you? Thank God I was able to blow off some steam today!” His eyes were half closed as his smirk grew.

My face was almost definitely bright red at this point. I didn’t understand why he was making me feel this way. My voice was caught in my throat. I couldn’t make myself look away from him.

“I was actually excited to see another rabbit looking person here, ya know,” he continued. “Although you’re more like a cute little cat bunny. Definitely not as cool as me.”

I still couldn’t bring myself to speak. I was stunned. I could feel my heart starting to beat out of my chest. I felt his leg relax against mine.

He pulled my face even closer to his, as he whispered, “You’re such a little brat. Thinking you know so much about me, huh? Trying to get under my skin? Trying to-“

I couldn’t take it anymore. With an almost immediate sense of regret, I closed his lips with mine, stopping him mid sentence. It’s like something took over me. His face so close to mine, his teasing words. The connection I felt to him was validated in the kiss. I could feel him freeze, as if I transferred my shock to him. I poured myself out to him, like I was finally admitting to myself that I had feelings for him. I still wasn’t sure why, it really could have just been from my fear of being alone. Or maybe I really was going crazy after all. But I didn’t stop.

To my surprise, neither did he. I felt his hands move to my hips as he deepened the kiss, like he was taking over. My hands found their way to his shoulders, pulling him closer, encouraging every touch.

Suddenly, he broke away. There was a wild look in his eyes, his breath panting, and cheeks hot. His eyes narrowed at me, like he was trying to comprehend what just happened. As he spoke, his tone was so low, almost a growl.

“What the fuck are you doing to me?!”

Chapter Text

I felt my stomach drop. I was mortified.

What did I just do… why did I do that…

I found my voice again.

“Jax, I… I’m so sorry, I- don’t know, I’m sorr-“

“Shut your mouth.”

I froze again. I felt an uncomfortable array of emotions in me. I was shocked, terrified of how he was going to react. But I also felt like I needed more, like I wanted to be as close to him as possible. I kept looking at him, noticing his hands were still lingering on my hips.

“You know…” he whispered, “if you really liked me that much, you could have just told me.” His tone was condescending, making it seem like I was an idiot for not telling him.

I was undoubtedly flustered at this point. Overwhelmed, I pulled away and sat up.

“I’m sorry, Jax. This is happening really fast. I don’t know- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to- I just-“

I couldn’t comprehend the words coming out of my own mouth. I paced around, feeling like I wanted to run away out of embarrassment, but I didn’t want to run away from him like he did last night. I needed to figure this out, or else I definitely wouldn’t get any sleep tonight.

He slowly stood up and grabbed my shoulders, stopping me in my tracks.

“Sweetheart. You’re so cute when you’re on the verge of a mental breakdown. Come on. We’re going back to your room, and you’re letting me stay the night this time.”

Oh, shit.

I felt like I was dissociating. I couldn’t protest even if I wanted to. He gently guided me back to my room, neither of us saying a word the whole time.

———————————————-

~ JAX’S POINT OF VIEW ~

Jax lay silently in his room as he listened to her pathetic knocks.

He knew she was probably trying to confront him for not acknowledging her all day, but he still didn’t know what to say. He was still struggling with whatever stupid feelings he was experiencing.

The knocks stopped, and he assumed she walked away. He exhaled, trying to rationalize with himself.

His mind was spinning. His mind wandered back to Kaufmo for some reason. He felt the pain start to resurface, but immediately pushed it back down. “That worthless asshole,” he thought. He hated him for falling into the grasp of insanity and leaving him behind like that.

His mind flipped back to her. He thought about the first time he saw her, when she arrived. Her stupid, floppy bunny ears, with her small, cat-like face. It’s not like he thought she was cute or anything, psshh. Yeah right. He just liked looking at her, what’s the big deal? She was a nice change. But it infuriated him. He found himself wanting to be around her so badly, but hated himself for it.

He remembered what he promised himself. He would never get close to anyone else again. Not even this stupid girl. What was her deal, anyway? Why did she think she could just go and start accusing him like that? What did she know?

He was getting more frustrated than ever. He was subconsciously grateful to Caine, for giving him a somewhat exciting adventure today. He was starting to run out of ways to distract himself from the secret sliver of fear inside of him that he kept buried down and tucked away.

But the fact that she was able to get under his skin so easily only amplified his fixation on her. He had to figure this out.

He made his way to the observatory, his suspicions of her being there correct. He put his mask on once again, making sure she didn’t know how much was going on inside of his mind.

*******************

He was doing a pretty good job keeping his cool, until she unraveled everything within him with a single kiss.

When he felt her lips on his, he also felt all of the swirling turmoil inside of him pause. It’s like she had this power over him, completely emptying his mind, as he was only focused on her. He felt something terrifying, but somehow familiar. Like an epiphany, he realized he desired her. He wasn’t sure if he had ever felt this way about someone before. Possibly before he came to the Digital Circus, but there was no way he could really remember. All he knew, was that she awakened something in him that was immediately addicting. He didn’t realize it was even possible for him to feel this way here.

That was it. He knew he needed more. She was now his ultimate distraction.

———————————————-

~ YOUR POINT OF VIEW ~

Although I couldn’t remember my life before this, I recognized the feeling he was giving me. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was called, but I knew it was intoxicating.

When we reached my room, he guided me to my bed and laid me down. I studied his face that looked down at me, and felt a pang of worry when I saw his expression. He looked… angry? I couldn’t tell. His breath was heavy again as he approached me. His eyes were cold, like every ounce of emotion in him was replaced by… something else. Was he mad again? Was he going to hurt me? My heart pounded as he slowly crawled on top of me. Although he appeared to be filled with rage, his motions and voice were gentle.

“You made a mistake doing this, you know. I don’t think you understand how much I have been craving a new way to entertain myself.”

I suddenly remembered that word I was looking for.

Horny.

Oh, God.

Ha! That’s ridiculous. How was it possible that he was making me feel this way? He was just a stupid, immature asshole.

But as I felt the heat between us, I quickly felt my own desire taking over every other thought. Any ounce of control I felt like I had over him yesterday was reversed. I was completely at his mercy. As nervous as I felt, I welcomed this feeling. It gave me an odd sense of comfort, like I was finally experiencing something here that felt good.

He leaned down, now resting on his elbows, not breaking eye contact. I felt his chest gently resting on me as he crashed his lips into mine, as if continuing the kiss we shared earlier. It was now clear to me that we must have been feeling the same thing. He wasn’t holding back at this point. It’s as if he was on a mission and would do anything to obtain his goal.

####
####

He held onto my head as he moved his tongue around mine. I felt his fingers running through my hair, grabbing around aimlessly. I reached around him, wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. I could no longer deny how much I wanted him. I reveled in his touch, feeling his hands exploring me, moving down to my face, down to my neck, and back up again.

He broke the kiss, catching his breath as I observed the feral look in his eyes. He leaned down again, now focusing on my neck. I felt him bite and kiss, forcing a sound out of me that surprised us both.

I moaned for him, feeling an intense heat between my legs. The feeling of his teeth on my skin was driving me crazy. I felt his hot breath on me as he chuckled.

“Careful, sweetheart… You don’t want anyone to hear us, do you?” he uttered between breaths. I felt his smile creep back, as he bit down again, with more force this time.

“J-Jax…!” I whimpered. It didn’t really hurt, I don’t think. It was a different kind of pain. One that only drove my eagerness for him further.

As I was still trying to process these sensations, he promptly made his way down to the spot between my legs that was increasingly swelling with heat. He paused for a moment, looking perplexed. I felt his hands grab the waist of my skirt, and he slowly pulled it down, but not far enough yet to expose me fully.

He looked down at his own clothing, following suit and sliding his pink overalls down. Again, not far enough to expose himself.

“Huh. I didn’t know they could do that,” he said out loud to himself.

I was growing impatient, involuntarily squirming beneath him as I watched him undress. He looked down at me again, his smile resembling his regular mischievous one, but his eyes were hungry and determined.

He leaned down again, positioning his face right in front of my spot that’s been aching for him so bad. He shuffled as he slid my skirt down and off, and I felt the coldness in the air hit the warm wetness that radiated from me.

I reached down and grabbed the base of his ears, my impatience reaching capacity. I pulled him into me, feeling the wetness of his tongue mix with my own juices.

I shot my head back as I felt his tongue enter me. He moved it around desperately, like he was suffering from the impatience as well.

His tongue reached deeper, searching for every possible corner of me. My God, it was long. It danced back and forth from my walls to my clit, as if he was starving for me.

My grip on his ears tightened. “Oh, fuck… fuck!” I cried. I felt his hands grab my thighs as he pulled me closer to him. The sensation of his mouth was sending me over the edge. I felt like I was going to explode. I helped push myself towards him once more, searching for that release. But… his tongue stopped.

“Not yet. You’re not going to cum until I let you.” His voice was stern, the vibrations from it teasing me even more. I opened my eyes and looked at him like he had just betrayed me.

I watched him restlessly as he climbed up, his legs now straddling my shoulders. He pulled down his overalls the rest of the way, exposing himself entirely.

His erection hung eagerly in front of my face. I felt my breath quicken as I saw it. Something brewing inside of me was telling me that this is exactly what I needed.

With one hand, he took a handful of my hair, holding my head in place. His other hand held onto his dick as he guided it towards my mouth. He pushed himself towards me, my open mouth catching his thick, long member. I gagged when I felt it touch the back of my throat, but my body told me to keep going.

I laid there, both of his hands pulling my ears nearly out of my head as he used them as leverage to thrust himself into me. I felt his cock ramming the back of my throat. My eyes teared up and closed from the sensation. I reached for his hands that were grabbing me, but I struggled to get a good grip. My head was being pushed into the pillow behind me as he used my throat.

In that moment, I wanted nothing more in this world than to make him feel good.

Aside from his panting, he was mostly silent this whole time. Until I felt his dick shove so far down my throat that I felt like I was choking. His hips slammed against my face as I felt a warm liquid fill my throat.

“Oh, shit… You little… slut…” he groaned, as he released himself into me.

Usually that name would have offended me, but hearing him degrade me with the juxtaposition of him inside of me turned me on to no end. I could barely breathe, not only from him filling me up, but also from the sheer ecstasy I was experiencing.

He pulled back swiftly, his dick sliding out of my mouth, leaving a mess trickling down my chin and onto my chest. I finally caught my breath as I swallowed and coughed, looking up at him again.

He stared back at me. His cheeks were blushed, his breath heaving.

“Jax…” I moaned, but he put his hand over my mouth.

“Be quiet. I’m not finished,” he said, his words sounding like a threat.

He moved down so that he was hovering over me once again, his face now level with mine. His long fingers wrapped around my neck, holding me down, as his other hand made its way to my throbbing pussy. I felt the tips of his fingers teasing my opening, still wet with his saliva and my own juices.

I moaned again as I felt his finger slide inside. It was big enough to stretch me. I felt him shudder as he felt around. My legs stiffened, my hands reaching down, frantically trying to grab the thing that was giving me so much pleasure.

His finger thrusted inside of me, curling up to find my sweet spot. His thumb stayed on my clit, circling vigorously. I tried to stretch my jaw up to meet his lips again as his finger fucked my desperate opening. He willingly leaned down and kissed back, closing his eyes, focusing on the movements of his hand.

This feeling was too much. His mouth on mine, his warm body against mine. His giant finger stimulating me from the inside. His other hand holding me down, like he wanted to make sure I wasn’t going anywhere. I could feel myself getting ready to have my own release. He pulled his lips away and leaned down next to my ear.

“Cum for me like a good girl,” he purred.

That sent me over the edge.

I grabbed onto his arms as I screamed for him. I felt my walls tightening, gripping his finger that was so deep inside of me. I leaned back my head, crying out for him over and over, quivering from the waves of pure bliss he just allowed me to experience.

He slowly took his finger out and smiled down at me.

“Beautiful.”

I was speechless, all I could manage out of my mouth was panting and whimpering.

####
####

He collapsed next to me. Our bodies lay basking in the swirling aura of heat we created.

As soon as he caught his breath, he moved to lay on his side and he looked at me.

I was still trying to make sense of what the fuck just happened.

“I don’t think I’ve thought about sex since I arrived here. I didn’t even know it was possible, honestly,” he said. “I can’t believe something like that was one of the things I had forgotten about…”

I looked into his sleepy eyes, studying his proud, smug expression. My brain could only think about how good it felt to be so physically close to someone. Our passion had completely cleared my mind. I knew I would be needing more, it was just too good. My body felt satisfied, but now that the overpowering sensation of lust subsided, I felt the heat that once swelled between my legs move to my chest. My heart felt like it was aching. I still wanted to deny so badly that I had feelings for him, but it was unmistakable that I did. Especially now. I wanted to kiss him again, but this time as a gesture of affection and kindness.

I was so immersed in my thoughts that I nearly flinched when he sat up and spoke,

“I’m pretty hungry.”

….Seriously?

Chapter Text

Hearing his apathetic tone after sharing such a passionate moment made my heart sink.

“What?” I asked, although I heard him loud and clear.

He raised an eyebrow at me. “How is your hearing so bad with those giant ears? I said I’m hungry.”

I was so thrown off guard by his complacent attitude. Shit, did I totally read the room wrong? Was this some sick plan of his just to use me for my body? Or am I overthinking this…?

I felt my heart sink even deeper. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him as I spoke,

“Did you… enjoy yourself?” I squeaked, trying to redirect the conversation.

“Isn’t it obvious?” he said, shifting his eyes down at the mess that still covered my chest.

“Uh, yeah… I suppose so.” I really didn’t want to ruin the mood with my melancholy. All I wanted in that moment was to be close to him again, but in a tender way. I wanted to sleep next to him, and feel his arms around me. I wanted to feel like I did when we kissed for the first time in the observatory. He said he was going to spend the night…

I hesitantly reached towards his hand. He smirked at my advance, grabbing my hand like he was excited.

“Oh, you want more?” He teased.

“Well, I just kind of wanted to… cuddle?” I said, my voice cracking on the word ‘cuddle’, afraid of how he would react.

“Cuddle! What, are you going soft on me now?” He scoffed as he pulled his hand away. “Look, that was the most entertaining thing I’ve done in years. But don’t expect me to get all warm and fuzzy about it.” His smirk curled into an unsettling grin, “but don’t worry, I’ll be back for more.”

Without any regard for me, he climbed over my body and stood up, pulling up his overalls. He looked positively satisfied with himself. He strutted towards my door with an irritating swagger. He turned his head to look at me, his eyes squinting as he smiled.

“Thanks again!”

…

What the fuck?!

I silently panicked. I thought about the time before where I let him walk out, and here I was, doing it again. No. I couldn’t handle being alone another night. As much as he was tormenting me, I still craved a distraction. Anything was better than falling victim to the existential dread here.

“Wait! Jax… please don’t go.”

I was desperate. I scrambled as I got up, wiping the mess off of me as best as I could, and pulled up my skirt.

“Please...” I reiterated, tears welling up in my eyes. I felt pathetic as I stood there begging for his company.

“I’m not sure what you were expecting, dollface. Did I strike a nerve? Wow that must reaaally suck, huh?”

I glared at him. The animosity I felt towards him was resurfacing. It took everything in me to not break down and cry right there, but it was getting harder to keep it inside.

“How pathetic,” he scorned. He turned around and reached for the doorknob.

“Stop… Jax, please!” I lost it, I was clearly a sobbing mess. It was embarrassing. At this point I was sure that he just used me to pleasure himself, with no regard for my feelings whatsoever. He didn’t have feelings for me at all, and I was an idiot for thinking he could. But, I couldn’t understand why it felt impossible for me to just tell him to fuck off at this point.

His scorn turned into a brief look that appeared to be actual concern, but I assumed it was just wishful thinking.

“My, God. Can you calm down? Now I really don’t want to stay.”

I gathered myself just enough to speak calmly again. “Why… are you doing this to me?”

“Doing what?” He sounded genuinely confused.

I was getting increasingly frustrated with him. I was convinced that he was just doing this to spite me. I felt resentment start to fuel my words instead of the pain and desperation.

“You… are such an asshole, Jax. What is your goal here?! Why is it, that one second you aren’t leaving me alone like you want to talk to me, and the next second you’re acting like I’m a worthless idiot?! You act like you want to help me, then your dick is in my fucking throat, and then you just head out? Don’t you see how that could make me so fucking upset?!”

“Hey. Language.”

“…Leave. Get out of my FUCKING room and don’t come back.”

“Thank God.”

He slammed the door in my face as he left.

I fell onto my bed and groaned. I wanted to cry, but I was too riled up with anger. I could barely understand what I was feeling. My heart felt like it still ached for him, but the resentment was overshadowing it. I was so incredibly furious at him. For treating me like that, for making me care about him, for making me feel so incredible and so horrible at the same time. My head felt like it was being torn and pulled in every direction

I thought back to how good he made me feel just a few minutes prior. Just thinking about it started to make me feel hot again…

My hands found their way to my shirt, and I noticed the mess he made on me was suddenly gone. I felt around the bed, and realized it was clean and neatly made.

Weird… ?

I went to pull my shirt down to see if I could see any other messes or marks on me, when all of the intense emotions I just felt were suddenly replaced.

I couldn’t… move my shirt?

I tried my skirt, pulling down on it, but it was like it was stuck to me. I tugged at my clothes helplessly, but they weren’t coming off. 

My mental anguish about Jax washed away, and the panic set in.

————————————-

~JAX’s POINT OF VIEW ~

Jax’s cocky demeanor broke as soon as he slammed her door behind him. “Shit. Shit. Shit.” He mumbled to himself as he frantically paced back to his room. He held his head in his hands as he was trying to make sense of the situation.

“How did I let this happen?!”

He knew that she was getting attached. She definitely had feelings for him. What bothered him wasn’t so much the fear of her getting attached, but rather the possibility that he could fall into the same fate.

Obviously, he would never let that happen.

The way that she made him feel during intimacy was so addicting that there’s no way he could refrain from it. He was obsessed, but immediately shut down any inkling of caring about her.

“Whatever. Who cares if she has feelings. That’s her problem, not mine.” He thought. He figured if he could piss her off enough, she wouldn’t continue to fall for him.

He made his way to his room. He tried to lock his door, frantically fumbling around with his key as his thoughts bounced around his head.

He almost had it, but the door flew open and there she was. She barged in and stood there looking absolutely terrified.

“Jax. Something’s wrong.”

He heard another voice that wasn’t hers,

“Whoops! Well, this wasn’t supposed to happen!”

Caine materialized in front of them, and with a snap of his fingers, disappeared, taking her with him.

Jax stood in his room dumbfounded at what just happened, still staring at the empty spot that she took up just a second ago.

Chapter Text

I looked around, finding myself back in my room. Caine hovered in front of me with his arms behind his back, looking a bit concerned.

“Sorry to interrupt your… passionate moment, but I’m afraid we have an issue here,” he said.

“What is going on, Caine?! Why can’t I take off my-”

“As you know, the Amazing Digital Circus is a place to be enjoyed by ALL ages! And there appears to be a tiiiiny issue with your… code.” He looked at the floor on the word ‘code’, like he was nervous to see my reaction.

Code? What did that even mean?

“What are you talking about?!”

Caine twiddled his thumbs as he appeared to be thinking of what to say next.

“Well… as you probably have realized, this is a digital world. And you have a digital body. And it isn’t actually supposed to be able to- you know. BUT! Not to worry little darling, we will get this figured out as soon as possible!”

“Wait, you know what happened with Jax and I?!” I raised my voice at him, my face turning bright red from the embarrassment and invasion of privacy.

He ignored my statement as he continued, “Unfortunately though, that means I’m going to need to… separate you from the rest of the group for a while before any of the other members become affected by this.”

He was throwing his words at me so quickly that I barely had time to process what the hell he was talking about.

“Caine, can you please tell me what you’re talking about?! What is a code?”

“My little lady, do not worry, your questions will be answered! Eventually. And you won’t even be bored while you’re separated because I have some games for you to keep yourself entertained!” I looked around and noticed some random items that weren’t there before, like dominoes and puzzles.

And with that, Caine disappeared once more.

I ran to my door to open it, but the doorknob didn’t even move.

No. No, no, no. This wasn’t happening. I couldn’t be in here by myself like this. I’m going to go crazy, yep I’m definitely going to go crazy. What was the issue he was talking about?! What did he mean by my code? What about Jax…?

I pounded on my door, screaming for someone to hear me and let me out. I called for Caine, for Ragatha, and for Jax. But there was no one. I fell down to my knees and felt all of my dread come back to the forefront of my mind. I was defeated.

——————————————————

~ JAX’S POINT OF VIEW ~

After what felt like only seconds after Caine disappeared with her, he was back. He looked down at Jax and noticed his dumbfounded face.

“Ahhh Jax, so sorry about that. But it seems that our new member’s code has some sort of… defect. You’ve unfortunately been affected by it, but no need to worry, for she is being kept safely in her room for the time being while we get this figured out!”

“What’s wrong with her code?”

“Well Jax, as you know, you all arrived here with essentially the same code, but with tiny differences here and there. That’s what makes you, you! And unfortunately for our little friend here, her code had a big enough quirk in it to somehow start affecting your code as well!”

Jax immediately knew what he meant, and he felt his cheeks heat up.

“Uh. Okay, well what’s going to happen to me, then?”

Caine let out a jolly chuckle, “Not a big deal, Jax! It just made you a little too… fixated on her, that’s all. But now that things are being taken care of, you don’t have to worry about feeling that way ever again! Now, pardon me while I go figure out the situation at hand, and you’ll see her again before you know it. Toodles!”

Caine vanished into thin air.

Jax was stunned. He looked around his room one more time to make sure there weren’t going to be any other weird intrusions. He wanted to lay down, but felt like he couldn’t move his legs. Caine’s words replayed over and over in his head.

“…You don’t have to worry about feeling that way ever again!”

Initially, Jax was relieved to hear that. This all made a lot more sense to him, now. No wonder he felt so drawn to her, it wasn’t even his fault.

“Why me, though…” he thought to himself. “Why couldn’t this have happened to someone else here?!”

He finally made his way to his bed and flopped down. He didn’t sleep at all for the rest of that night. He had way too much going on inside his head.

It was almost impossible for him to stop thinking about her. The only times he stopped thinking of her was when his mind would think back to how he felt when Kaufmo left him. But this was different. He had only known her for a very short time, and he was sure it was just this code issue that was making him feel like this. He hoped it would be resolved soon so he could get back to thinking normally again.

But still, she filled his mind. He thought about her appearance, and how much he secretly enjoyed looking at her. He thought about the intimate moment they shared that night, and how damn good it felt. And then he thought about her face as she cried, begging him to stay. He could feel something creep up from deep inside of him as he thought about her anguish. He tried to push it back down, but his emotions were betraying him.

He thought about how freaked out she must be right now, all alone. How scared, lonely, sad-

“Oh, God. Not this. Please, no no no. I do NOT care about her. I don’t care about what happens to that bitch.”

But he did.

He stood up, and threw his hands in the air, as if he couldn’t be more annoyed.

“FINE. I will go check on her. This is so stupid,” he said out loud to himself, as he marched down the hallway once again as he huffed and puffed about it.

He knocked loudly on her door. “Hellooooo?”

She didn’t answer.

“Ugh. I know you’re probably all freaked out right now, but I just…”

Wait. What was he doing? Why was he doing this? He didn’t care. He didn’t care. He didn’t care…

He stood there for a little while longer, but it was clear that she wasn’t opening the door anytime soon. He groaned, acting like this is the most inconvenient thing he has ever experienced. He got the key to her room out and pushed it in the keyhole. But to his surprise, the door still wasn’t opening.

“What the HELL, CAINE?!” He yelled, hopelessly furious.

***********************

It had been days since he saw her. She was still locked up in her room, doing who knows what.

“I sure hope she is doing okay…” said Ragatha, “and I really hope that we can see her again soon. I’m so worried for her.”

Jax shot Ragatha a death glare for bringing her up.

Everyone else could tell that her absence was starting to bother him. He was more irritable than ever, becoming increasingly more rude to everyone there.

“Jax, are you… okay?” asked Gangle.

“I am FINE, you pathetic bundle of string,” snapped Jax.

“Well, you haven’t really left your room much… I’m not sure what’s going on, but you’ve just seemed pretty on edge since she’s been-“

“Will you SHUT your little pie hole, Ragatha? I don’t care about what’s happening to her.”

They had been going on less adventures, since Caine was so busy trying to figure out the code situation. They had more time to hang around and chat. Jax forced himself to appear involved, but he was clearly failing. It was getting harder and harder for him to keep his cool, and he could never tell anyone about what happened between them.

He was getting real antsy. He still craved her. He needed to feel her body again, to feel the sweet release she gave him that one night. Caine obviously hadn’t fixed anything yet, since Jax’s mind was still being tormented by her.

Jax was so back and forth with his feelings, that alone was driving him crazy. He wanted to forget about her, but everyone kept bringing her up. It sounded like he would see her again, but didn’t know when.

He couldn’t help but think about the last interaction they had. He was awful to her. He only hoped that when she returned, she would resent him enough to not catch any more feelings.

But he also realized something. If Caine fixes this… he wouldn’t be able to be intimate with her again. He wasn’t sure how this was going to work, or how it would turn out. All he knew was that no matter what he told himself, there was no denying how much he needed to be inside of her. He was an addict for her.

Caine appeared suddenly like he does, as if he could sense the tension in the room.

“Hello, everyone! I have an update on our little troublemaker!” He said, excitedly. “It seems like she is feeling much better, so you should all be able to see her again soon!”

Everyone seemed to lighten up at the news, excitedly talking amongst themselves. Jax was unfazed, or at least tried to appear so.

“Caine, can I uh… speak with you.” Jax said, sounding annoyed at himself for even doing this in the first place.

“Sure, Jax! Go right ahead!”

“…in private?”

With a snap of Caine’s fingers, they were removed from the company of everyone else. Jax looked around.

They were in the observatory.

“Caine, look… I don’t know what’s going on with this whole ‘code’ issue of hers, but…”

Ugh, God. Was he really doing this? Was he really about to beg Caine to keep her the way she was?

“Um. Well. Frankly, I don’t really see what the problem is,” Jax crossed his arms and stuck up his nose.

“Oh you silly rabbit, you. Obviously we cannot have such a thing happen here. Who knows what terrible things could happen? I can’t start losing control over things now!”

“I don’t really see what our relationship has to do with you, Caine.”

Shit. Why did he say that word?

“Oh Jax, I know how much you care about her, but I can assure you that you’ll still be able to spend time with her! Just gotta keep it PG, am I right? Haha!”

“I. Do not. Care about her.”

Jax knew his being stubborn was pointless. He knew that Caine knew more than he wanted him to. When it came down to it, the only person he was trying to convince was himself.

“Jax. I know you’ve been… less than thrilled about her being gone. But you have to remember that you’re only feeling this way because of how her code affected you. Once she’s back, you won’t even remember that… passionate night you had!”

Jax’s anxiety he kept tucked away started to grow.

“Caine, no. I don’t want to forget that. Please.”

He cringed at the sound of his own voice begging, but he couldn’t stop. He was desperate.

“Caine, I haven’t felt good like that in such a long time. Please. Don’t take that away from me,” his tone sounded more threatening than desperate.

“Very well, Jax. I’ll make a deal with you, if it really means that much to you. After all, I do care about the happiness of each and every one of you here!”

“Okay, well, what’s the deal? What do I have to do?” Jax asked frantically.

“Well, I sort of… lied when I said she is feeling better. Truth is, I can’t figure out why this is happening. It’s pretty frustrating, actually!”

Jax stared at him impatiently, waiting for him to continue.

“So, since you’re technically already affected by her, I suppose I don’t see the harm in letting you stay with her until this is fixed. You just wouldn’t be able to leave her room. Gotta keep it all contained, you know? Haha! So I hope you two are able to get along-“

“Deal. It’s a deal. Bring me to her, now.” Jax said without a second thought.

Chapter Text

I didn’t know how long I had been stuck in my room. It could have been days, months, years. I couldn’t tell anymore. It all blended together. I was turning into an empty shell.

I hated Caine for doing this to me. Being alone was the one thing that I knew I couldn’t handle, yet here I was. I was just starting to find my footing here, and then I was thrown away and closed off like a disgusting virus.

The same questions bounced around in my head day after day. Whats wrong with me, and why am I not supposed to be intimate? Did I get Jax in trouble? Is he okay? And my code… my code… I still don’t know what that means…

I think I put together and took apart the same puzzle over and over again a thousand times.

“Look, Jax! I think the puzzle turned out pretty good! What do you think??”

I stared vacantly at the wall. He wasn’t there. No one was there. I knew I was losing it, but I had given in at this point. My heart was nothing but numb. The only part of my day that gave me any mental stimulation was the occasional brief visit from Caine, probably just making sure I hadn’t abstracted. But at this point, I truly wouldn’t care if I did.

I lay on my bed, cradling my knees with my arms. I stopped crying a long time ago, it was hopeless.

“Good morning, my dear!”

I looked up, blinking a few times. I wanted the voice to be Jax but I knew it wouldn’t be.

It was just Caine again. I stared back at him with empty eyes.

“I have a surprise for you! I know you’ve been pretty… lonely in here, and I reeeally can’t have you going crazy on me… so I decided to let Jax stay with you for the time being!”

I perked up for the first time since he locked me away, as Jax actually appeared in front of me.

Was this a hallucination? I stared at him silently for a minute, trying to figure out if it was really him or not. I rubbed my eyes.

“…Jax?” I squinted at him.

“Enjoy yourselves while it lasts, you little love bugs. I know how much you missed each other!”

My eyes couldn’t tear themselves away from Jax, who growled something obscene under his breath after Caine spoke. I sat up, waiting for the hallucination to go away, but it didn’t.

Caine vanished and I expected Jax to as well, but he was still there.

“How long have I been in here?” I whispered, cautiously. Maybe I could tell by his answer if this was really him or not.

“Eh. No more than a week, maybe.” He had his hands on his hips, and studied me. “Hey, are you… good?” He asked, his brows furrowed, probably a little freaked out by my bizarre behavior.

Only a week…

I felt like I was waking up from a long dream. I stood up and fumbled towards him, crashing into him with an embrace, nearly knocking him over. I could feel him. It was him. He was really here this time.

He hesitated, but reluctantly put his arms around me, like he was just filling an obligation. I felt tears fall down my face, but this time from happiness and relief.

Feeling his arms around me, my mind was flooded with the memories of the last time I saw him. How good he made me feel with his touch. But also how much he hurt me with his cold words right afterwards. I started feeling apprehensive again. I broke away from him, bending my neck up to look at his face.

“Why are you here? I thought that maybe you… hated me?”

He looked away from me, almost like he felt ashamed. “I’m…”

It sounded like he was going to apologize, but his sentence changed directions.

“Hey, let’s just… catch up a little bit. I’m sure you have a lot of questions. Just try not to go crazy on me or anything.”

******************

We sat on my bed and talked for a little while.

Nothing too deep, but I didn’t mind. I was just happy to be in his company again. He could have sat there and talked to me about absolutely anything, and I still would have listened just as happily and intently.

“Can you please explain to me what Caine is trying to fix? What is my code, and what’s wrong with it?”

“Nothings wrong with it. Caine is just a control freak who acts like a bitch when something unexpected happens.”

“What do you mean, unexpected?”

“Well, you know… that night we had?”

“But why doesn’t Caine want that to happen?”

“Look. I don’t know. Like I said, he’s just a control freak. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your code, honestly.”

He continued to explain to me everything he knew about codes. How that’s what we are made of in the digital world, and that for some reason mine was just a little too different for Caine’s liking. If we talked about this at any other time, I would have probably freaked out. But I was still feeling too relieved to be with Jax again.

“So… why did it affect your code like that?”

“I don’t know. But it sounds like once it’s ‘fixed’, we won’t remember it anyways, so it doesn’t matter. Nothing here really matters.”

I couldn’t put my finger on the emotion he was expressing. I’ve never seen sadness in him before, so I might have been mistaken. I just had never heard that much hopelessness in his voice before.

“Jax, I’m sorry… I-“

“Don’t… apologize,”

His lips stayed open, like he was going to say more, but he stopped himself.

I don’t think I had ever gone this long holding a conversation with Jax without him giving me some unwarranted snarky attitude. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought that he might have actually missed me.

After a while, Jax became increasingly fidgety. He kept switching positions, not seemingly able to stay still. His mind seemed distracted, as he wasn’t responding as quickly to my questions.

“Jax, are you… okay?”

“Yes?” He said immediately, like it was so obvious that he was perfectly fine.

I thought back again to the last time I saw him before this. He made me feel awful. He made me ashamed and embarrassed for having feelings for him. So why was he here? Why did he let Caine bring him here to be stuck with me? I wanted to ask him, but the last time I tried talking to him about his feelings, he lashed out on me, so I kept my mouth shut about it.

After a few minutes, he spoke again, now with a more confident tone.

“I’m going to convince Caine to keep you the way you are.”

“What…? You are? Why?”

His gaze shifted down, as he fidgeted with his hands. I started to notice that familiar irritation in his expression that he wore all too well.

“Because. I’m bored.”

I knew that was bullshit. Why was it so hard for him to just open up and tell me what was going on? His back and forth with me was so frustrating.

I thought about when I first started to enjoy spending time with him. A big reason for it, was how comforting it was to be around someone who didn’t exude anxiety. But for the first time, I could sense it from him, just barely. But it left a faint, dreadful tension that started filling up the room. The calm I felt to be in his company again was fading away.

He probably noticed my expression fall into one of despair.

“Okay. Fine. I just really… enjoyed… my time with you that night. And I don’t want Caine to take it away from me. Simple as that.”

It sounded like it pained him to say that, and he was growing increasingly on edge.

“Why is it so hard for you to talk about your feelings, Jax?” I knew it was a risky question, but if I was going to be stuck with him for a while, I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep accepting his vague, cryptic answers.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, his mocking tone returning.

So insufferable. I was going to break that wall down whether he liked it or not. As much as I wanted to retort, I held back for now. I had time, after all. I didn’t want to upset him again.

“I really think I was starting to go crazy in here all by myself. I’m glad you’re here. I’m actually surprised I didn’t completely lose it, haha.” I redirected the conversation to try to lighten the mood.

But something about what I said only seemed to aggravate him further.

“Don’t say that.”

“…Say what?”

“You’re not going to... do that. That isn’t going to happen, so don’t talk about it.”

The air was painfully awkward. I tried to think of something to say that wouldn’t strike some sort of nerve. I was determined to keep talking with him, even if it meant walking on eggshells. I needed to figure him out.

I did think of one thing that he would most likely gladly respond to.

“So. Did you miss me?” I asked, my voice now holding a sultry tone. I got closer to him, until our shoulders brushed against each other.

Maybe if I could give him what he wants, he would start opening up to me more. If I could keep making him feel good, if I pleased him enough in that way, he’d start being more vulnerable with me.

Jax looked positively eager. I gently rested my hand on his thigh, and I swore I felt a shudder from him.

“I missed you, Jax. And I’m not mad at you for leaving me behind the other night. You just kinda hurt me, you know? I just wanted to be close to you…” I whispered in his ear, my lips gently brushing against him.

I heard his breath quicken.

“Come on, Jax… Let’s have some fun while we can.”

I expected him to grab me and hold me down. To have his way with me. To use me for his pleasure like he did before. Instead, he slowly reached up and touched my face, cupping it tenderly in his hand. It was such a surprisingly gentle touch, I thought that I might have finally broke through to him. He looked directly into my eyes. His gaze was soothing, like he was taking in and cherishing every pixel of my being.

Until his voice whispered something that felt like a knife through my heart.

“You mean nothing to me.”

With those cold words, he held onto me and met his lips with mine. He gently pushed me down so that I was leaning against the wall as we sat on my bed.

I was stunned. I wanted to stop him and clap back about what he just said to me, but I couldn’t bring myself to break away. I felt the heat grow between my legs again, and wanted so badly to fight it. But he was too intoxicating. I couldn’t resist the feeling of him.

He held onto my hands as we were joined at the lips, his tenderness almost unsettling. I peeked an eye open and noticed his face looked relatively peaceful. His eyes were closed as he savored the taste of my tongue.

He only let go of my hands to position himself closer to me, and wrap his arms around me. He broke away from the kiss, and pulled me into him, forcing my face to be buried in his chest.

With me still wrapped up in his embrace, he fell down onto the mattress, bringing me down with him. He desperately curled up around me, like he wouldn’t allow me to go anywhere. My face stay buried in his chest as I listened to his heavy breaths. He had my arms pinned to my side, so I couldn’t move them, but I was… content.

It was silent, but my thoughts were deafening. I thought about something that he said a while ago.

‘There are small things here and there you’ll start to remember over time’.

That string of words played over and over in my head as I melted into his body.

Chapter Text

The feeling of being enveloped in Jax’s embrace was complicated. On one hand, I felt tense and uneasy. He was so apathetic and cruel, I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was only here for his own sick desires. But on the other hand, his touch felt divine. A sense of pleasure filled me, like it was trying to conceal the pain he simultaneously inflicted upon me.

Was this his attempt at… cuddling? The way he held onto me for dear life felt particularly possessive.

But his harsh words wouldn’t leave my head. ‘You mean nothing to me’. It played on repeat, my heart breaking every time, over and over. I buried my face in his chest deeper, foolishly trying to find comfort in the one who hurt me.

I wanted to cry. It took all my strength to keep it together, to not make a scene, to not embarrass myself in front of him once again.

The silent tension between us was beginning to feel uncomfortable. I wracked my brain trying to think of something to say. Something that wouldn’t immediately make me burst into tears, and something that wouldn’t provoke Jax.

“Jax? Are you… sure you’re okay? It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it! I’m just… confused.”

Pathetic. I cringed at my lack of a backbone.

Jax’s arms relaxed, releasing the grip he had on me. I exhaled with relief.

“I already told you that I’m okay, so quit harassing me about it.”

I was beginning to recognize his pattern by now. Every single time I brought up his feelings, his walls would go right back up and he’d begin with his snarky attitude.

“Whatever, Jax.”

I gave up. I couldn’t handle another childish argument. My eyes welled up with tears. Why did I even care about him? I didn’t want to anymore. It was torture. I wanted Caine to fix me. I wanted him to erase any possibility of feeling affection, lust, and-

Before I could even finish my thought, Jax flipped me over onto my back, and was looming over me.

I stared up at him, waiting on the insults to commence.

“I missed seeing you under me like this.”

I stared back at him, clearly thrown off guard. I waited for his next sentence that was sure to be irritating and rude. His next sentence that was sure to make me cry.

But it never came.

He grinned at me and leaned down.

“Want me to remind you why I don’t want Caine to fix you?”

With wide eyes, I nodded. I felt my face heat up. My legs felt weak, and the heat between my legs intensified and soaked me.

But really, I wanted him to kiss me again. I wanted him to do it gently, and kindly, while he tells me he cares about me. I wanted to be in his embrace, feeling only the good things from it. I wanted him so bad, but I couldn’t handle being hurt by him anymore.

If I could satisfy my needs and indulge in him just a few more times… just until Caine can fix me, then I wouldn’t have to endure this mental torture anymore. Enjoy it while it lasts.

He gently pulled off my skirt. I was relieved to see it come off, but also a little embarrassed thinking about Caine purposely reversing that for us.

The feeling of him undressing me was already driving me crazy.

Maybe if I could just focus on this, and forget about my feelings, it would be easier…

####
####

His hands felt like fire as they searched my body. Moving down my chest, around my waist and hips.

He lowered his face to my chest, twirling his tongue around my nipples, using his teeth to bite and tease them.

Just the feeling of his mouth on me reminded me why I’m so addicted to his touch.

I felt all of the pain he caused me vanish, as the sensation of pure pleasure washed over me instead.

Oh. There was absolutely no way I could live without this.

His hands continued to caress every inch of me, making me gasp every time he got a little too close to my dripping slit.

“That’s right. You love this, don’t you?” he teased. His smirk was so arrogant, like he was proud of himself for causing me to submit so easily.

He stopped touching me to undress himself, throwing his overalls onto the floor, exposing his fully hardened length. I remembered how it felt when he fucked my throat, and now I was aching to feel it inside of my throbbing cunt.

He grabbed my hips again, and used them to pull me closer to his. He reached down with one hand and lightly teased my clit, stroking my pussy to spread my wetness all over me. My legs involuntarily opened for him, like an invitation.

He stopped rubbing me to grab his cock, proceeding to tease my entrance with his tip, his own wetness trickling out. He stroked himself as he pushed his tip against me, prodding me, making me whine impatiently. He looked down at me with anticipation, like he was waiting for my reaction.

“Jax… fuck, just put it in… please…”

His smile widened, evidently satisfied that he made me beg for him.

With little warning, he grabbed ahold of my hips once again and pushed himself against me. I felt his tip enter me, followed by the thickness of his throbbing shaft. I yelped in pain at first, but it immediately turned into pure euphoria as I acclimated to his girth. I reached behind my head and grabbed onto my pillow, gripping it as I felt him keep going, inch by inch, until I felt his hips meet my skin, and I was completely filled up by him.

Jax looked completely consumed by the sensation. He held his grin, but had such a wild look in his eyes that it was almost alarming. As if he would tear someone to shreds dare they interrupt this moment for him.

He pulled out, but immediately shoved himself back in. He repeated this motion, getting faster, not taking his eyes off of me.

I laid there, feeling him thrust into me over and over, his pelvis crashing into me. His dick slid in and out, my pussy clenching around it. I wanted to watch him but the feeling was so intense I could barely keep my eyes open.

“You still… gonna let Caine… take this away from us?” He groaned between breaths, slamming himself in and out of me.

I could barely comprehend his words. My mind was melting, my only thought being him. His touch, his giant cock filling me up, his sweet, sensual voice like music to my ears. I didn’t want this to end. I wanted to feel this way forever.

I could only respond in moans, desperately trying to piece together a coherent reply, but it was no use.

“Jax… oh, God, I… you feel… so good-“

He leaned his body down onto mine, holding me in his arms as his pumping kept its rapid pace, each thrust shoving me deeper into the bed. I wrapped my legs around him as if to pull him even closer. I wanted to be as close to him as possible.

Even with the entirety of his dick in me, his body on mine, essentially every part of us entwined, it still wasn’t enough. I needed to feel closer, and I quickly realized that the additional closeness I was craving wasn’t physical at all. I needed to be close to him.

I reached up for his face, wanting to kiss him again. But he pulled away, changing positions instead. He grabbed me by my waist and flipped me around, my face now buried in my pillow as I felt him take hold of my hips. Not missing a beat, he continued fucking me from behind, my now muffled groans still involuntarily escaping me.

“Ha! Don’t forget… I’m the one in charge here, you little… ohhh”

He began, but cut himself off with his own groans. His pace became impossibly fast, now sloppy, like he was letting his body take over. I couldn’t resist pushing myself against him to keep him aligned, his dick hitting my cervix over and over. It was a good pain, one that only intensified my lust for him.

His movements proved that he was completely lost in me. I loved being at his mercy. I loved knowing that I was the only thing that could do this to him, that I was the supplier of his pleasure. I wanted him to always come back for more. I wanted to be his.

I could feel myself getting close, whining at the thought of finishing. No… I didn’t want to finish, I wanted this to last forever.

His hands dug into me like he was using all of his strength to keep me positioned in front of him. I groaned into my pillow at the increasingly aggressive thrusts. His grunts were getting louder, turning more into the type of moans he would probably be embarrassed about if he wasn’t so consumed in the moment. It was apparent he was getting close as well.

“Fuck. So tight- so wet for me…. so… fucking… ”

He always had such a silver tongue, so it was amusing to hear him at a loss for words. For once, I felt like I had him wrapped around my finger, like in this vulnerable moment I could make him do or say anything I wanted, if it meant he could cum.

But my brain was still melted by his passion, it was difficult to think of anything more than how bad I wanted him.

I pushed myself against him one more time as I felt him slam into me, his hot release filling me up. He kept pumping, his voice a guttural groan as his cum spilled out of him, dripping down my legs. I felt him twitch a few more times as he released every last drop into me.

He pulled himself out reluctantly, letting the mix of our juices soak the blankets.

I fell onto my stomach, my breaths heaving as I felt him sit back and catch his own breath.

I turned around to look at him. He was in a lustful daze as he stared down at the mess we made.

My own desire for a release took over, as I immediately climbed over to him. This time, I took his shoulders and pushed him down.

“It’s my turn…” I whispered to him.

He didn’t hesitate. He helped me on top of him, his dick still surprisingly rock hard.

“You can’t get enough of me, can you?” He taunted, trying to stay in control. But the feeling of my cunt sliding around him shut him up. His head shot back, his ears rested down against his head, his moans of pleasure making me hotter.

I continued to ride him, feeling his grasp on the sides of my thighs. He guided me as I bounced up and down, as if he was using me as his own personal toy.

It didn’t take long for me to climax. The way we held onto each other, like a lustful power struggle. I slammed myself down onto him, feeling every inch, as my body convulsed on his. Every shockwave of pleasure radiating around his cock. I fell into him, his arms catching me as he held me.

After a few seconds, he pulled me away, looking at me with a satisfied grin.

“How rude of you to make such a mess and not even offer to clean it up,” he sneered.

Without hesitation, I moved down and repositioned myself in front of his still hard cock. I took it in my mouth, tasting the product of our fervor. Looking up at him as my tongue danced around his dick, I saw a rare glimpse of tender admiration in his eyes. That only fueled me further. I took his messy cock, lapping and sucking off every ounce of evidence.

He grabbed ahold of my head as I heard one more ragged gasp from him. I felt him twitch inside of my mouth, giving me one last taste of his sticky release. I gagged as I tried to swallow every last drop.

I could feel his dick go limp. I let go, catching my breath, falling down next to him, face first into my pillow.

####
####

Coming down from my high, the desire to be close to Jax only intensified. Not just close to his body, but close to him.

I listened to him next to me as he caught his breath.

“Jax… you are… so good at that.”

“I know.”

I peeked at him, expecting to see the irritating, narcissistic grin I’m so used to. But his smile looked… genuine. It was playful, like a gentle tease rather than a rude remark. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a soft expression from him before.

I was encouraged by the apparent shift of emotion in him. His eyes examined me, probably picking up on my needy emotions, but I didn’t care. I was catching him in a vulnerable moment. I finally felt confident enough to blurt out the question that’s been eating at me.

“Did you really mean it when you said… that I mean nothing to you?”

His playful expression faltered.

Ah, shit.

Now, his pupils were small. His face looked like he was experiencing the biggest inner conflict of his life. That air of anxiety reappearing.

He sighed. He looked absolutely defeated. He put his face in his hands, and mumbled,

“No.”

Chapter Text

God, he confused me to no end. It was truly frustrating.

I wanted so badly for him to care about me. Somewhere deep down in his cold heart, he had to be capable of it, right? All I wanted was for him to open up to me, return my affection, and be… nice to me. Surely, I couldn’t mean nothing to him. Why else would he be here in the first place?

I thought about how he looked at me just a few minutes ago. It melted my heart. His eyes held such tenderness. He looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. I wished he’d look at me like that all the time. He looked happy.

Or maybe it was just because that was when I had his dick in my mouth.

I still couldn’t convince myself that he might just be trying to keep me close so he can keep using my body. But I admit that he was right about me not wanting Caine to take that away from us.

I didn’t want to say anything else to him. He clearly looked on edge now. I felt kind of bad for ruining his good mood, but quickly shut down my remorse after remembering all of the times he ruined mine.

I looked at him with his face still in his hands until what seemed like out of absolutely nowhere, I thought of something.

‘There are small things here and there you’ll start to remember over time.’

“I liked video games, too!” My voice was urgent, almost hysterical.

Jax looked up from his hands, staring at me like I had just said the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard.

“…What?”

“I remembered something, Jax! It was a hobby of mine! Before I came here!”

“We had that conversation, like… a week ago.”

“Yeah! I know…”

“Good for you.” He growled, putting his face back in his hands.

I was way too excited to be pissed at him.

“Jax, do you think I’ll really start to remember more? Maybe if we both try to think about our lives before this, we can remember things that might help us find a way out of here?”

He looked at me again, this time with irritation.

“That’s not how it works.”

“Well, what if we at least tried?”

“No. There’s no point. Don’t you think if there was a way out, the rest of us would have figured it out by now?”

My excitement started turning into disappointment. He clearly wasn’t interested in entertaining my idea.

“Well, fine. But when I find a way out, I’m not bringing you with me.” I said, in a playful banter.

He was not amused.

“Sweetheart…”

I was caught off guard by his tone. Usually when he called me that, it was condescending. But his voice had zero indication of snark. Instead, it was almost pleading.

“Do not start becoming obsessed with finding a way out. I promise that it’s not a good idea.”

“Well, why not?!”

The dismay in his eyes returned.

“You don’t want to abstract, do you?”

********************

Jax spent the next few minutes telling me all about abstraction. He told me how he has seen it plenty of times, and that it happens when you reach your breaking point. And when someone abstracts, they’re thrown into the “cellar”, never to be seen again, good as dead. He described it like the most awful death you could imagine.

I listened to him as intently as I could, constantly trying to keep my anxiety in check, but what he was saying was downright horrifying. He spoke about it with such dread, that I could tell it must be pretty bad if it made him nervous.

“But what if I like… passively searched for a way out, without letting myself go insane about it?”

“Why are you not taking this seriously?!”

“I am! I just… I don’t know…”

Silence.

“…Jax, are you ever worried about abstracting?”

“No,” he responded immediately. “That won’t happen to me. I’m not a useless, pathetic coward.”

He seemed oddly agitated when he said that.

I was getting uncomfortable. I didn’t want to feel anxiety anymore. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to keep myself entertained and distracted. I found myself moving closer to him, like my body knew where to go once it started to feel dread.

I blushed as I realized we were still both completely naked.

He noticed me getting closer and promptly turned around, laying on his side with his back facing me.

My heart felt that familiar sting.

I didn’t say or do anything for a few moments. I didn’t want to agitate him further.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about abstraction. It sounded terrifying. I thought about that potentially happening to me, or all of the members here. What if it happened to poor Ragatha… or Pomni… or Jax? I wanted to grab him, hold him, and snuggle up to rid my mind of the horrible thoughts. I stared at his back, forcing myself to keep my hands to myself. I was growing obviously restless.

I couldn’t take it. I finally built up the courage to speak.

“Jax…? I feel… scared.” My voice was soft, but it was a cry for help.

Nothing. He didn’t respond. The pain in my heart worsened, my stomach in knots, my anxiety taking over-

He swiftly rolled onto his back and slid his arm under me, pulling me towards him. His other arm reached over me, helping pull me even closer until my face was buried in his chest. He squeezed. He wasn’t being very gentle, it was kind of like he was just trying to shut me up.

But he held onto me.

“You whiney little baby. Here’s that cuddling you wanted,” he said. But he didn’t sound irritated. He sounded playful again.

I wished I could see the look on his face, but I was so stunned that I didn’t want to move and look up at him. I nuzzled my face into his chest as I returned the gesture and wrapped my arms around him.

I closed my eyes.

A warmth washed over me. Feeling our exposed bodies wrapped up in each other was almost better than the lust we indulged in. This was something different. It’s like he had the power to heal every ounce of my being.

I couldn’t understand why or how I let myself feel so strongly towards him. How can he cause me so much pain and emotional turmoil, but then turn around and do this? He was playing with me. My heart was being toyed with. The feeling of his embrace started to make me uneasy. Why is he being so affectionate now, when I know that he’s just going to say something hurtful again? Why should I have to put up with that?

“You okay, crybaby?”

I closed my eyes tighter as I pushed my face into his chest, like I was desperately searching for some sort of solace.

“Why do you care?”

I knew my response was snarky, but my mind was in the midst of worry. My heart ached.

He reached his face down and slowly kissed the top of my head. It was so gentle. My face got beat red and I immediately tore myself away from him. He gave me a surprised look, as his hands still lingered on me.

“Whaaat? I thought this was what you wanted?”

He was right. This is what I wanted. But his sudden change in demeanor was too suspicious.

I didn’t trust him.

“Why are you suddenly being so sweet to me?!”

He grinned at me, clearly amused by my unease.

He grabbed me again, wrapping his arms around me even tighter, forcing me into him.

“Quit it with the whining. Just let me hold you, okay?”

I didn’t fight it.

“You’re an ass.”

He closed his eyes and kept grinning.

*****************

I didn’t even realize I fell asleep until I was startled awake by a weird sound.

I felt my ears twitch up.

Oh. He was snoring.

I smirked to myself.

I noticed that he wasn’t holding onto me anymore, and was completely sprawled out under the blankets.

I wanted to cuddle up to him again, but I was apprehensive.

I needed to figure him out. I still wanted to break down his walls, and for him to tell me how he really feels. I wanted to bask in his affection, knowing that it is genuine. I didn’t want him to hurt me anymore.

I watched him as he slept. His stupid, snoring face looked so peaceful. I thought about what could be going on in his mind. I thought back to when I confronted him about being lonely. When I accused him of only bullying the others to distract himself from his own suffering. And I remembered how aggressively defensive his reaction was when I said those things.

“I know I was right, Jax.” I whispered, knowing he wouldn’t hear me.

I shuffled over to reach for him, but my movements must have been enough to wake him up.

His squinting, sleepy eyes looked around my room like he forgot where he was or why he was there. His eyes wandered over to me. He rolled over to face me, and put on a huge smile.

“Good morning. Are you hungry for breakfast?”

I looked at him confused, until I quickly noticed the fully erect tent under the blankets. My cheeks immediately became flushed. The memories of last night came back to me, and I felt myself start to get turned on all over again.

Before I could even fully comprehend his perverse request, I noticed our clothes on the floor looked like they were clipping into the ground, glitching out or something. And suddenly, they snapped back onto our bodies. Jax sat up, obviously a bit tense.

Caine and Bubble appeared, hovering over us.

I quickly sat up as well, scooting away from Jax as if it wasn’t obvious that we were just having a moment.

“Gooood morning, you two!” he exclaimed.

Jax scowled at him in a way that made me believe I was about to witness an altercation.

I sat there silently, my cheeks still bright red.

“Just wanted to give you guys a little update! Unfortunately, it seems that this issue isn’t quite as fixable as I thought it would be.”

Caine sighed and hovered down, now standing on the ground in front of us.

Jax and I sat in silent anticipation.

“I’ve been looking into your codes, as well as those of all the other members here.”

Caine looked at me.

“As it turns out, your code may not be the problem after all!”

I swore I could hear Jax gritting his teeth.

“In fact, your… explicit behavior doesn’t seem to be linked to a single code at all. Quite the mystery, you two are! But alas, I have gotten myself into quite the pickle, you see. I already told everyone that you were feeling better, and I can’t drag that lie out much longer… so with that being said, I don’t believe you two pose any risk of affecting anyone else here, so you are both free to go and join the rest of the circus members. I know how much they’ve missed you!”

The sense of relief that washed over me was so refreshingly reassuring. A stark contrast from Jax.

“So you locked her away for nothing?” he growled. Oh, he looked pissed.

“Jax, it’s fine, really…” I said.

He shot his fuming eyes at me, but didn’t say anything.

“Don’t worry, Jax! You two are free to spend as much time together as you please,” said Caine.

“Caine, if it’s not my code, then what is going on?”

He looked at me like he was about to speak, but then stopped himself.

“He’s losing control over you two and is panicki-“

“BUBBLE! SHUSH,” said Caine, as he popped her away.

“Sigh… I admit I can’t keep you two away from each other. You are getting very oddly hard to control. It’s quite frustrating, actually! Even your clothing situation is becoming tricky for me. It’s truly fascinating!”

I put my face in my hands and groaned out of embarrassment.

“This is so dumb,” said Jax, as he stood up.

“Come on. Let’s get outta here,” he said to me, pushing past Caine as he head for the door.

I was just excited to finally be out of my room again.

Jax walked out the door before me. I had so many more questions for Caine, but I wanted nothing more than to go see everyone again.

I caught up to Jax as we walked down the hall. It was such a relief to be out of that room, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what Caine said.

“Jax?” I looked up at him as we walked down the hallway.

“What did Caine mean when he said he was having trouble… controlling us?”

“Sounds to me like somethings going on behind the scenes that we don’t know about.”

“That doesn’t really answer my question…”

He gave me an annoyed sigh.

“Look. Caine is… different from the rest of us. He is an AI. He doesn’t have feelings. He sees a potential issue, tries to fix it, and is probably starting to go haywire after not being able to find a solution.”

“An AI? So, like a robot?”

“Uh. Sure. A robot.”

“Do you think that he will eventually find a way to fix us?”

“There is nothing to ‘fix’. Now, enough with the questions, okay? I’m going to get this figured out.”

Chapter Text

It felt pretty good to be around everyone again. It didn’t seem like Caine told everyone exactly why I was gone, and I definitely wasn’t going to go into detail.

I also don’t think anyone knew that Jax had been with me… It sounded like they assumed he was just in his room.

“Oh, look who decided to show up now that she’s back.” Zooble teased Jax, in their signature monotone voice. Obviously trying to provoke him. He completely disregarded Zooble, stepping right in front of them, joining the group. “Anyways, we got any adventures happening today, fellas?” Jax said with his smug grin. I saw Zooble roll their eyes as they walked over to Ragatha instead.

Admittedly, I was pretty amused by the thought of him being on edge while I was gone.

“I’m so glad you’re feeling better! I was getting worried about you. It’s so good to have you back,” said Ragatha. Despite her anxious aura, it was so good to hear her comforting voice again.

“Also, I actually don’t think there’s any adventures today. Caine has seemed pretty busy with something, so we’ve all just been hanging around and finding our own little activities to do! Heh…”

It felt good to know that they missed me, but it was pretty obvious that everyone seemed a little tense. Probably a combination of the fact that I was gone and that Caine has clearly been distracted. I noticed that Jax didn’t have much else to say for once. He stood to the side with his arms crossed, listening and watching as we all talked. I kept glancing over at him, trying to pinpoint his mood. He kept a blank expression, acting all cool and collected. It was nearly impossible to tell what he was thinking or feeling.

My eyes wandered over to the observatory. I was excited to be able to spend time there again. I thought back to the last time I was there. When Jax came to see me, that kiss… that night we had… how good he was-

“Hey Jax, where are you going?” Pomni said, snapping me out of my increasingly dirty thoughts. “I thought you missed her, don’t you want to spend time with us all?”

I noticed that Jax was walking away from us. He stopped in his tracks after Pomni spoke.

“Missed her, huh? The only thing I missed is being able to express myself in the form of violent adventures,” he put his hands on his hips. “Things have been pretty boring around here.”

Boring?! All of this weird shit going on with Caine, the whole being locked away ordeal, the fact that he seemingly can’t keep his dick away from me? And he says things are… boring?

He has to be bluffing.

“Also, I’d be careful if I were you guys,” sneered Jax, his grin widening. “All this free time has given me lots of funny ideas to keep you on your toes!”

He proceeded to turn around and keep walking.

“JAX! What did you do?!” Ragatha shrieked, obviously angry.

He didn’t answer her. Ragatha stomped away, “I swear, if there’s another centipede in my room I am going to….” she trailed off, as the rest of the group followed suit and disbanded, wary about what potential pranks Jax had planted.

The only one left was Pomni, seemingly not as worried about Jax’s shenanigans.

She looked up at me. I was short, but not as puny as her. “Hey! So… I’m really glad you’re back! But I wanted to talk to you, if you don’t mind…” she said softly, like she was nervous about something.

“Oh! Sure, Pomni. What’s up?”

“Well, Caine told us that you weren’t feeling well. And things just seem really… off. Are you sure everything’s okay?”

I didn’t want to lie to poor Pomni, but there was no way that I was going to tell her the details. She is pretty smart. I’m sure she knows something is up.

“I’m fine, Pomni! Caine was just helping me with some sort of… weird digital sickness? And he didn’t want it to spread. But it turns out everything is okay!”

Ugh. Bad lie.

I kept a calm and friendly face, but she looked confused.

“You sure?” she asked. I could sense her suspicion growing.

“Please don’t worry, Pomni! I’m fine, really.”

I could tell she wasn’t satisfied with my answer, but I didn’t want to get into it further. She paused for a few moments, like she was trying to think of what to say next.

“I could help you, you know…”

I felt my stomach drop.

“Help? With what?” I asked, trying to act as clueless as possible.

“Well, something weird happened to me a little while ago. It seemed like Caine was almost… losing control over me? There was this exit door, and I went in, and there was a void, and-“

“Pomni, slow down! What are you talking about? What happened?!”

I listened to Pomni’s story. She became obsessed with an “exit door”, that only led her into an endless white void. She described the void as being as close to freedom as she’s ever felt here, like she was being pulled somewhere, towards something, and couldn’t turn back. Until Caine showed up and removed her.

“I know there’s something out there. And if Caine is really starting to lose control over us… I don’t know, but something weird is going on and I really think that if we all work together we might be able to find a way out!”

I didn’t know what to say. I thought about when Jax told me about abstraction, warning me to not become obsessed with finding a way out. But she seemed so confident about this.

“Pomni… Thanks for telling me about this. I promise if I need anything I will let you know!”I kept my reply ambiguous on purpose.

I really needed time to think about this…

******************

I was feeling overwhelmed after talking to Pomni. I needed to find Jax and talk to him. Despite the emotional distress he gave me, he was still my first thought when I needed comfort. It was as if my instincts were telling me to go to him. I was quickly realizing that I was incessantly drawn to him, constantly craving to be in his dominating presence. I hated that I felt that way, but it was no use trying to deny it. I wandered around, trying to figure out where he went. My eyes caught the observatory and I made my way over.

There he was, sitting there by himself, looking up at the sky. I cautiously walked up to him, not wanting to intrude on his quiet moment.

“Jax?” I said softly.

“Sup.”

He didn’t tear his eyes away from the sky.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Bout what.”

Why did I feel like such a nervous wreck? I slowly sat down next to him and told him about the conversation I had with Pomni. That seemed to grab his attention enough for him to actually look at me.

“What did I tell you? Do not bother trying to find a way out. It’s not gonna work. As for Caine, I told you I’ll figure it out. So don’t worry about it, okay?”

“I don’t know. I just…”

Damnit. I felt tears welling up. I hated crying. Especially in front of him. I wanted to give up on everything. I was so confused, overwhelmed, terrified-

My breathing quickened. Fuck. Fuck.

The horrible sense of dread was coming back. From the day I arrived here, to being alone in my room for a week, it’s been a constant conscious effort to keep this feeling suppressed. But I felt myself unraveling.

I’m panicking. I’m panicking.

Jax immediately noticed my shift in behavior. It was visibly obvious that I was having a panic attack.

I felt my vision start to get blurry. My legs were weak, I could feel myself shaking, but I was frozen in place.

I need to get out of this place.

I felt something touch me, but I couldn’t process it. My mind was racing, my trembling intensifying.

Everything is spinning. This was it. I was losing it. Everything was catching up to me. I couldn’t make sense of where I was, who I was, or why….

I can’t breathe

There it was again, but harder. I blinked a few times and realized that Jax had his hands on my shoulders, shaking me.

I felt the panic slightly lessen as I focused on his touch, and on his face. It was level to mine as he leaned over. His face… it was so…

Distraught?

I heard him calling my name, over and over. His voice was distant and distorted. But I noticed my anxiety levels were slowly but surely decreasing.

I felt like I was drowning, but I couldn’t look away from his face.

“J-Jax…..”

It was the only thing I could spit out.

He shook me one more time, so hard that it almost made me fall over. I snapped out of it, but my chest was still heaving.

I felt embarrassed for causing a scene, but even more so uneasy about the look he gave me. I’ve never seen him look so utterly horrified before. I really didn’t want to worry him.

He didn’t speak.

“I’m sorry, Jax. I’m just… overwhelmed. I think I need to… take it easy for a little while here…”

He let go of me. His face quickly fell back into a calm gaze, like he was suddenly conscious of the fact that he let his mask slip. Finally he spoke, his tone unexpectedly sensual.

“You need a distraction, don’t you?”

*******************

I didn’t want to go back to my room. The thought of being in there only made me want to panic again. We walked down the hallway and I stopped when we approached my door.

“Hey Jax, do you think maybe we could… go to your room?”

“Ha! Good one.”

“What? I’m serious… what’s the big deal?”

He grabbed my waist and leaned down.

“Come on, let’s go have some fun.”

“But I haven’t even been in your room before. What’s the big secret?”

He started looking annoyed. “No secrets. Come on, go in.”

He was being uncomfortably pushy. He started opening my door, and at this point, I didn’t have the energy to fight it.

I stepped into my room but immediately stopped.

“Uhhh… this isn’t my room,” I said.

“Of course it is! Your silly portraits on the door, isn’t it?”

“Jax, what are you-“

My words stopped as I looked around. It was… cute. The harsh black and white patterns were gone and replaced with a soft pastel color scheme. Everything in the circus was filled with bright colors. Red, blue, yellow, everywhere. Geometric shapes that weren’t very pleasing to the eye. But my room was now a stark difference from the rest of this place.

I walked in, taking in every detail. My bed was huge, with soft pink blankets and the fluffiest pillows I could ever imagine. The walls were colored a modest mix of peachy yellow and lavender. There were flowers placed everywhere. Still with that weird… digital appearance, but it was refreshingly pleasant.

My eyes caught the ceiling and I looked up. It was black and blue, with stars painted on. Like a poorly drawn caricature of the observatory sky. But it was unbelievably charming. I felt a reassuring calmness wash over me.

“Ya like it?” Jax asked in a proud, pompous tone.

“Jax… Did you do this?!”

“Nah. I had Caine do it. But it was all my idea,” he grinned, looking well delighted with himself.

“That was… really sweet, Jax. Thank you.”

My heart was full. I couldn’t believe that he went out of his way to do something for me that was actually… nice.

I made my way over to the bed, entranced in the unexpected tranquility of my room. I went to sit down, but upon sitting, I heard a sound that immediately broke my gratitude.

I frantically sat up and pulled back the blankets.

“WHOOPIE CUSHIONS?!” My face grew red with anger, but it was probably more so from embarrassment.

His prideful smile grew. “Oops, how’d those get there?”

This motherfucker.

I couldn’t help but laugh. I don’t know what else I was expecting, honestly.

“Jax, seriously. This was really… sweet. When did you…?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, removing all of the whoopie cushions from under the blanket, throwing them on the ground.
“Now… where were we?”

Chapter Text

~ JAX’S POINT OF VIEW ~

Jax was undeniably addicted to the way she made him feel. The way that her body felt, so soft and warm, and the way it responded to his. The feeling of being inside of her left him viciously obsessed, and now that he has indulged in her, there was no way he could ever resist. If he could spend the rest of his days buried in her sweet, wet warmth, then he wouldn’t hesitate.

It worked in his favor that she seemed to enjoy his touch just as much. That made it easy for him to always be able to get what he wants from her.

But despite his unholy lust for her, he did acknowledge that he really didn’t mind her presence in general. In fact, being around her felt exciting from the second he met her. But did he care about her? He knew deep inside that he might, at least a little bit. After all, it’s not like he would ever let himself catch actual feelings or anything. He would never risk getting too close to her. Witnessing her panic attack brought up all his trauma of losing Kaufmo. Seeing her in that state, on the brink of breaking, only reminded him why he promised himself never to get close to anyone again. But physically close is okay, right?

He knew that his obsession with her had nothing to do with their codes being “broken”. On one hand, he was a little pissed that the way he was feeling wasn’t the fault of something out of his control. His lust was genuinely his. But on the other hand, she made him feel more human than he ever has in this place.

He told her that he would figure this out, and he meant it. He couldn’t let Caine take their intimacy away from them. He would rather abstract.

Still, he was undoubtedly conflicted. He knew that she had feelings for him. He wished he could just cut her off, insult and hurt her until she never wanted to speak to him again. But he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly why he couldn’t, but he settled on it being because he needed to use her to satisfy his desires.

“Come on. Lay down,” he said, guiding her back to her bed. “And take those off.” He was growing impatient.

She obeyed every word.

Jax could feel himself start to succumb to his desires as he looked down at her. The sight of her body clouded his mind, making him dumb with lust. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He needed to indulge in her, to savor every exhilarating sensation she was capable of supplying. He pulled his clothes down, already panting thinking about what he was going to do to her.

He hesitated when he saw her expression. The way she looked at him. It was filled with so much kindness and affection. So sweet and pure.

He didn’t like it.

“Hey, turn around,” Jax growled, handling her to move her around, so that her face was buried in the blankets, her backside up like it was waiting for him. He forcefully grabbed ahold of her hips, about to just start plowing, but she stopped him as soon as she realized that he was about to just jump right in.

“Wait! Uh… Jax, maybe we could… slow down a bit?”

He knew that she was probably still a little on edge. But he was sure that seeing her new room would make her feel better and make her want to please him in return. Her words irritated him. He didn’t have the patience for this.

“What do you mean? I thought you wanted to have some fun. Now come on, don’t keep me waiting.”

She released herself from his grasp, turning around to look at him. She didn’t look very happy.

“What?” asked Jax, genuinely puzzled by her reaction. His mind was still hazy with desire. All he could think about was fucking her.

“Maybe we could just, you know, ease into it a little bit.”

He was annoyed, but if that’s what he had to do to get his dick wet, then so be it. He laid down next to her and used his hands to start caressing her, sliding the tips of his fingers all over her stomach and down to her thighs. He saw her start to flush with excitement and it motivated him. His dick was aching to be touched by her, but he didn’t want to upset her. He didn’t want anything to get in the way of reaching his objective.

He barely even realized that he was pushing himself up against her, like his cock was being pulled towards her, knowing where it wanted to be. He encouraged it, grinding himself against the softness of her thigh.

She leaned over to kiss him. He welcomed it, nearly shoving his tongue down her throat. Her touch was so electrifying. He grabbed ahold of her throat, forcing his tongue in further.

She pulled away again, this time with a harsh, offended expression.

“Jax! Why are you being so aggressive?!”

“What are you talking about?!”

He felt himself getting aggravated, but he really didn’t want to stop. “I thought you liked that.”

“Well… I mean… I do, but could we have sex that’s a little more gentle and… loving?”

The lustful haze that was taking over his mind vanished, snapping him out of his hypnotized state. Everything in his mind being replaced by that one word that echoed in his head, over and over.

Loving.

“What did you just say?” Jax raised his voice, that irritated look back on his face.

“What’s wrong?! I just didn’t want to- I wanted it to be gentle, I- I’m sorry!” she stuttered, quickly realizing that she might have been a little too affectionate for his liking.

She knew that he was stubborn with his feelings, but after everything, she assumed that he would be more willing to engage in something a little more… romantic?

She felt like she made a mistake.
She knew it. She knew that he only wanted her for her body. How humiliating. She sat up, looking uncomfortable and ashamed. Jax noticed her uneasy composure and felt something that he could barely even understand himself.

He wracked his brain. He desperately tried to identify what this bizarre, awful feeling was. But then it hit him.
‘Is this what… guilt feels like? Am I feeling remorseful? What… is she doing to me? Why do I feel bad?!’

Jax’s mind was once again being tormented by all of the internal conflict that she brought him.

‘No. I don’t want to care. I don’t want to care...’

And then his painful mix of emotions somehow found themselves coming out of his chest, into a sentence he never thought he would hear himself say.

“I’m… sorry.”

She looked at Jax like he was speaking a foreign language.

“…Really?” Is all she could muster.

Jax felt something that he could only compare to the familiar pain of being lonely after he lost Kaufmo. His chest ached. He couldn’t keep telling himself that he didn’t care about her. Every time he saw her so genuinely upset or scared, he didn’t like it. He didn’t like it because it was annoying. Right??

No, he didn’t like it because he cared. He cared about how she felt. He cared about her wellbeing. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted to do everything he could to make sure that she would always be okay and stay sane.

He felt disgusted with himself. He failed. The one thing that he never wanted to feel again, was to care this much about someone. He tried with every fiber of his being to push it back down, to build his walls even thicker.

But she was right there. He couldn’t run away again. Why couldn’t he tear himself away from her this time? He was so good at suppressing his emotions, so why was he being so pathetic and weak?

‘None of this was supposed to happen.’

She softly pulled Jax’s face towards hers and kissed him again. His mind went directly back to their first kiss, in the observatory, when she first poisoned his mind with her touch. Just like that time before, her kiss stopped his raging mind. He completely fell into her touch, returning the kiss in a way that surprised them both.

He didn’t know he was capable of being so gentle, but he wasn’t even trying. Her infectious compassion was almost more alluring than her body. He held onto her so delicately, as if one wrong move would break her.

He wanted to blame it all on her. The more he was around her, the harder it was to stay away. She was just a succubus playing with his emotions. He wanted to resent her for it, but her gentle touch made his mind so calm. So calm, that he finally had the clarity to pinpoint his feelings. Everything was starting to make sense.

‘She is… mine.’

He broke the kiss and looked into her eyes. So warm and comforting.

“Everything okay, Jax?” she whispered, radiating kindness.

“Yeah… I think so.” This time, it wasn’t a lie.

####
####

This passion he felt for her wasn’t helping his urges, the reason he led her to her bed in the first place. He continued the kiss, gently grabbing her hips, making it clear that he wasn’t done here. She willingly responded, her hands finding their way to his growing erection.

He let out a ragged gasp when he felt her soft hand wrap around it. It ached for her touch so badly, that he was convinced he could have came right then and there.

But he let her continue as she stroked up and down, so tenderly. The kiss was still gentle, but with a few nips of his teeth on her lips here and there.

“I wanna taste you,” Jax whispered, barely stopping the kiss as he spoke. He felt her moan for him. God, he loved hearing her moan. He took it as an invitation as he repositioned himself, finding his way down to her dripping slit.

He didn’t hesitate. His tongue moved between every fold, sliding around as it teased her entrance. His elongated tongue effortlessly delved in, not having any trouble reaching deep inside of her. He relished in her sweet taste, the sounds of her moaning and gasping only compelling him to keep going.

He continued to pleasure her, until she spoke between moans.

“I want you to… fuck me… please.”

Those words were music to his ears.

He consciously tried to be slow and gentle as he moved up, bringing his tip to the front of her quivering wetness. He wanted to lose control and go crazy on her, but he admittedly was enjoying the tenderness of their unity. He was oddly okay with it.

He lowered his body onto hers and held onto her. He melted into her, completely engulfed in her soothing ambience.

He felt too good to be mad about it.

He felt her legs wrap around him as he sunk into her. ‘God, this will never get old,’ he thought, savoring every intoxicating sensation she gave him.

He tried so hard to be gentle. He didn’t even know why he was trying so hard. Why didn’t he just forget about her pathetic feelings? Why couldn’t he get rid of the tenderness he felt for her, and continue to use her body for himself? He really considered it, but the sound of her melodious moans entranced him. He wanted to give her what she wanted for once.

He kept a gentle rhythm as he kept pumping into her, his pace slightly quickening as he felt himself reaching his climax. So badly did he want to just hold her down and shove it in deep, but he refrained. He felt so weak for giving in to her, but the moment he felt her start to clench around him, he knew he was about to cum as well. He felt her arms wrap around him, her legs helping to push him inside of her.

“Jax… Jax! Ohhhh, God…” she cried, as her own climax arose.

“That’s right. Say my name again…”

“Jax!”

Her pulsating heat was too much. He exploded inside of her, burying his face into her neck as they came together. He cried her name in response, as the last few spurts of his cum spilled out of him.

####
####

The other times they fucked around, he was so overpowered by lust that he didn’t have much regard to how she was feeling. Of course he loved to know that he made her feel good, but he only saw that as a compliment to himself. But this time, he realized that he wanted to make her feel good. He wanted her to get lost in him, distract her from her turmoil. And he had to admit that the sex was still pretty good regardless of it being a little too vanilla for his tastes.

“Thanks for not being a jerk for once,” she smiled, nuzzling up next to him.

“Don’t get used to it, sweetheart.”

But he embraced her, falling asleep to the sound of her gentle breaths.

Chapter Text

I opened my eyes a while later to find myself alone.

I looked around, still feeling half asleep.

“Jax?”

Of course he isn’t here.

I rolled over and groaned. I stared up at my ceiling, looking over every detail of the painted on sky. It was so thoughtful of him to do this… why was he being so weirdly kind? It was suspicious as hell. Was I actually finally getting through to him? And the way he fucked me, oh my god. He was so gentle and considerate. So… unlike him.

I wanted his affection to be genuine so badly, but I still couldn’t trust him. How was I supposed to know that this wasn’t all just some big, convoluted strategy of his? He was a jerk after all. Was his kindness actually authentic, and he’s just too arrogant to admit it? I really wanted to talk to him about it. His actions showed affection, but I didn’t know if he would ever confirm it verbally. It was so discouraging.

I also remembered the conversation I had with Pomni. Shit. I needed to talk to her about that, too. I supposed I should probably go make an appearance.

*********************

As I made my way down, I noticed everyone was gathered around Caine. My eyes immediately found Jax, standing there in the group. He actually looked like he was in a pretty good mood. I could tell he was saying something to Ragatha, and from the look of his frivolous gaze and her agitated glare, he was definitely saying something to piss her off. I wanted to chuckle at the sight, but I was still too peeved at him for leaving me alone.

I walked closer to Jax and was about to speak, until Caine began with his theatrics.

“Ah, now everyone is here! Today I have a very special adventure planned for you!” Caine exclaimed.

“Does he say that every time?” I quietly asked Pomni.

“Yup.”

“Today you will be venturing out to the digital carnival! There are rides, there are games, and best of all… there’s a chance to win the ultimate prize! I’ll leave that up for interpretation to make things even more exciting. Alright, my little superstars, have fun!”

Before I knew it, we were teleported to the carnival. Ugh. This really wasn’t a good time… I had way too much on my mind.

I instinctively searched for Jax. Partly because I wanted to confront him for leaving me alone, and partly because I simply wanted to be near him.

He looked at me as I approached him.

“Hey. Wanna play some carnival games?” His mischievous, shit eating grin was back.

“Jax, why did you-“

He grabbed my arm and pulled me along. “Come on! There’s a cool shooting game I gotta show ya.”

“Jax, can you chill out for a second? I want to talk to you.”

“Whyyy?” He whined, like he was a child who wasn’t getting his way.

I was starting to remember why he pissed me off so much when I first met him.

“Will you grow up?! Look, I was just wondering why you-“

He interrupted me again.

“Hey, look it’s the shooting game! I’m pretty good at this, if I do say so myself,” he boasted, puffing his chest out.

I shot him a vacant, tired expression.

“Watch and learn, sweetheart.”

I stood there with my arms crossed, watching him go crazy with his dumb game.

Huh. He was actually pretty good at it. He kept going, shooting down every target like he had done this hundreds of times. In fact, he probably has.

I couldn’t help but to feel the weight in my chest alleviate. Just a bit. Watching him having so much fun was… cute. Before I knew it, he had me giggling at his ridiculous captivation by this game.

“Alright, I admit it, that was pretty good. Here, let me try,” I said, shoving myself next to him and grabbing one of the toy guns.

I took a few shots… missing every single target.

“Yikes. Looks like you need some practice, babe.”

I stopped when he said that.

“What did you just call-“

He frantically snatched the gun out of my hands.

“See, you gotta hold it like this. You can’t get any good shots with that poor excuse of a stance.”

What was his deal?

He was acting so giddy, like he genuinely wanted to have a good time with me. It was odd, but I didn’t hate it. I couldn’t deny that this was fun, but I still had too much on my mind. I really, really wanted to talk to him about it. But I had the feeling that he was just going to keep disregarding any of my attempts to do so.

“Oh, look. The ferris wheel,” he said as he nodded towards it. When he turned his head to look at me again, he had a menacing grin. It sort of creeped me out.

“Wanna fuck at the top of the ferris wheel?”

I felt my face turn completely red.

“JAX! What the hell?!”

He kept grinning at me. “Come on! It’ll be fun. No one will see~”

“Jax, please calm down and listen to me, will you? Why are you acting like this?”

“Acting like what? I’m not allowed to have a good time?”

“No, I mean of course I want you to have a good time, but… I just want to talk about last night.”

“Oh yeah? What about last night?”

There was a lot of noise and commotion around us. Mannequin-like NPC’s filled the carnival, giving the illusion that it was bustling with attendees.

“If we go somewhere more quiet, will you actually listen to what I have to say?”

“No promises,” he smirked.

Ugh.

***********************

I don’t know how he convinced me to go on the ferris wheel with him. But to be fair, being up so high and far away from everyone else was exactly what I needed for this conversation.

The wheel stopped as we reached the peak.

“Ya sure you don’t wanna fool around up here?” he sneered.

Of course I wanted to. But that’s not why I was there.

“Can you just listen to me, please? I need you to explain to me why you were suddenly so… nice to me last night.”

At this point, I wasn’t expecting a serious answer from him. But I at least needed to get this off my chest, let him know how I feel. I knew that I was different from him in that way. It’s hard for me to not talk about my feelings. So the fact that he was the opposite was truly hard to deal with.

He raised a brow at me.

“Why are you so surprised? I’m the nicest guy I know.”

That’s it. I was done. I couldn’t deal with his sarcasm. I sighed and looked away from him, focusing on the view of the carnival from so high up. I looked down at everyone and everything. It all looked so little from up here. So insignificant.

I felt him put his arm around me, completely throwing me for a loop. Was he trying to be affectionate again? Or did he just have a one track mind and still wanted to fool around?

“I was nice to you because I wanted to be. Duh.” Jax said, like it was so obvious.

I could feel my face heat up again.

I looked at him. His stupid, adorable face. His deviant grin. His eyes filled with an unusual amount of depth and emotion, so unbelievably alluring.

“Why did you… leave me alone? When I woke up you were gone.”

“Aww, did you miss me?” he said as he patted my head. I don’t know if he was trying to be sweet, but it felt more condescending than anything else.

“Well, I don’t know, Jax. We had a really good night… so it just surprised me to see you weren’t still there in the morning.”

“You don’t expect me to go all domestic on you now, do ya? Quit making it such a big deal. You know that I’m always going to be back for more fun, so don’t you worry.”

Why is he always making everything about sex…

The ferris wheel started to lower us back down to the ground level. There was so much more I wanted to say to him, and try to figure out. But I accepted that it was going to take a while. If there’s anything I’ve learned about him, it’s that he is the most stubborn, closed-off person I’ve ever known.
I didn’t want to push or prod.

I looked around at the other carnival games as we walked off of the ferris wheel platform. My eyes caught something, a game that I feel like I’ve definitely played before.

“Bowling! Jax, wanna play the bowling game?”

He looked like he flinched when I said that.

“Bowling? Uh…”

I ran over to the stand, realizing that he was still behind, taking his time as he slowly walked towards me.

Why did he seem so weird about it? I didn’t understand what the sudden shift in behavior was all about.

“What, you don’t like bowling?”

He looked at the ground, but almost as quick as his smile disappeared, it came back. This time, softer.

“Hey. Let’s go walk around some more.”

Okay…?

**********************

We wandered around a bit, and eventually found Pomni.

“Hey, Pomni. Having fun?” Jax asked her.

She didn’t answer. She was staring off into space, her face looking disturbingly horrified.

“Um… are you okay, Pomni?” I asked her gently. I knew she tended to get anxious, but she looked downright traumatized.

Jax didn’t seem phased by it.

He gently slapped her cheek, like he was trying to snap her out of it.

She shook her head and looked at us, like she was confused of what was going on.

“Pomni, what’s wrong?!” I was worried. Why didn’t Jax seem concerned at all?!

“Ah, she’s fine. Right, Pomni?” he said.

“S-sorry… I just-“

Jax promptly interrupted her, “Hey, Pomni.” His voice was back to that mocking tone. “Ya like ice cream? Why don’t we check out that ice cream stand over there. I’m sure that will make you feel better!”

He was being shady as hell.

Ugh, what is he about to do to her?

“Jax-“

“Oh, you want some, too?” He said to me in the same facetious tone.

He grabbed my arm in one hand, and Pomni’s in the other, basically almost throwing us at the ice cream stand.

“Three, please,” he said to the mannequin NPC running the stand.

I watched as he took the cones and handed them to us. I didn’t trust him. I watched Jax take a bite.

Food was so weird here. We didn’t need to eat, but it looked like he was actually able to taste and enjoy it.

I looked back down at my ice cream and nervously took a bite, expecting Jax to have something up his sleeve.

But he didn’t. It was fine.

“Huh. This is pretty good, Jax. Thank you.” I said, feeling that familiar warmth in my chest.

Until I heard a loud pop.

“WHAT THE HELL, JAX?!” I heard Pomni shriek. I look over and the cone exploded into confetti, knocking her onto the ground. “You are SUCH a jerk!”

He chuckled to himself. “Oops. Sorry, Pom. You must have gotten the defective one.”

She looked infuriated. She started to stomp away, grumbling under her breath.

“Anyways, you wanna check out the roller coaster?” He said to me, so irritatingly casual.

“Jax, why would you do that to her?! She was obviously already upset about something!”

He started speaking, but I briskly walked away from him, following Pomni to see if she was okay.

I caught up to her and grabbed her shoulder, “Pomni, I’m so sorry, are you alright?”

She looked up at me and sighed.

“I’m fine. That’s just how he is. You’d better get used to it, with you hanging around him so much.”

I tried so hard not to blush.

“Uh- he just, seems to always want to drag me along. I don’t know why! Ha- should I, be worried?”

Ugh, I sounded like a babbling idiot. Just talking about him made my stomach flutter. It probably couldn’t be more obvious that I was getting flustered.

Her expression of dismay turned into a knowing smirk.

“Anyways… have you given any thought about what I said the other day?” She probably noticed me getting all worked up and wanted to change the subject. God, how embarrassing.

But I welcomed the new direction of conversation fully. “Oh! Yeah, I did kinda wanna talk to you more about that. Maybe once we are back at the circus? We’ve been at the carnival for a while now.”

“Oh yeah, we could probably go whenever. Kinger found the prize hours ago.”

“What?! Why didn’t anyone…”

Jax strutted up to us. “Hey, ladies. How about that roller coaster?”

“Jax, why didn’t you tell me that the adventure was over?!”

“Whaaat? I was trying to have some fun. You don’t think I actually cared about Caine’s ‘ultimate prize’, do you?”

“Yeah, everyone’s still here enjoying themselves. But if you wanna go back, we can,” added Pomni.

I had to admit that I was having a good time here. I just really wanted to get back, there were still so many things I wanted to say, so many questions I needed answers to. I was still worried about Pomni, too. Why the hell did she look so distressed a few minutes ago? And she’s just, perfectly fine now?

“Maybe a fun day at the carnival with your friends would be good for you,” Pomni said softly, with a kind smile. She looked like she wanted me to stay. 

’Friends’… 

I took a look at Jax, who was also grinning at me in anticipation.

“Oh, what the hell. Let’s go on the roller coaster.” I sounded reluctant, but maybe this is what I needed. I smiled back at them, like I was trying to convince them that I was okay.

Jax looked thrilled as he once again dragged us along with him.

“Careful, now. I heard the roller coaster had some mechanical issues. Hope you don’t get the faulty seat, Pomni!”

She groaned, but I couldn’t help but notice she was still smiling. 

Chapter Text

I had to admit that the carnival was fun, and I figured a lot of that had to do with the fact that Jax seemed to genuinely have a good time. Even though I had a lot on my mind, it was refreshing to see him acting so excited to spend time with me, even if he wouldn’t admit it.

Honestly, his pranks were quite harmless, for the most part at least. I hated to admit it, but it was actually kind of cute how much they entertained him. I was really beginning to love seeing him so happy, I just wished that it didn’t have to be at the expense of other people…

As we all arrived back to the circus, I noticed everyone seemed rather happy and at ease. They were laughing, talking, like they really did have a great time. It made me feel incredibly cozy inside. I think I was really starting to warm up to them.

I flinched when I felt Jax put his arm around me, pulling me into his side. Not because I was scared, I just wasn’t expecting him to do that, not in front of everyone.

He leaned down and whispered in my ear. “Hey, let’s go back to your room and relax.”

I could tell by his playful tone that he definitely wasn’t asking to simply just “relax”. As much as I wanted it, I really needed to talk to Pomni still.

I nervously looked around to see if anyone noticed his hold on me, but they either didn’t notice or didn’t care. But to be fair, he didn’t really respect anyone’s personal space.

“Jax, I kinda wanted to talk to Pomni first, alright?”

He released me and crossed his arms.

“Oh yeah?”

He seemed annoyed. I took a few steps away from him. Pomni was already aware that we were together all the time, and I started to feel nervous about anyone else noticing. It’s not that I didn’t want anyone to know, I just really wanted to figure out this whole Caine thing first.

“Whatever, go mingle with your little friends. I’m gonna go get somethin to eat,” he said as he strutted away, leaving me with everyone else. I began to walk over to Pomni, but Ragatha approached me first.

“Hey! Did you have a good time at the carnival today?”

I really didn’t feel like having small talk with her, but I couldn’t refuse her comforting presence. She really was so sweet.

“I actually did have a lot of fun! Jax showed me this shooting game that he likes-“ I stopped myself. Of course I immediately start talking about Jax. I quickly tried to divert my sentence. “-and Pomni and I had some fun on the roller coaster, so I’d say it was a pretty good time.”

She gave me a kind smile. “You know, Jax really seems to have taken a liking to you.”

There it was, the heat in my face returning. I attempted to keep my composure, but she kept going.

“Today was the first time I’ve seen him that excited since Kaufmo.”

Kaufmo? What the hell is Kaufmo?

She could probably see the confusion on my face.

“Uhh, what do you mean?” I said, still trying not to appear flustered.

Ragatha suddenly looked tense, her tone turning much more apprehensive.

“Ah… I guess he hasn’t told you about him. I mean, why would he, knowing him? Well, Kaufmo was someone who used to be here in the circus with us. You’ve probably seen his portrait on his old door, the clown one? He… abstracted a while ago.” She appeared to be growing increasingly uncomfortable having this conversation. “Hey, I’m sorry. Maybe this is something that he should be the one to tell you about.”

Kaufmo… were Kaufmo and Jax close or something? Jax didn’t seem the type to make genuine friends with people.

Regardless, I felt my heart sink for him. “Ragatha, it’s okay. I’m sure he will tell me when he’s ready.”

She looked a bit more relieved. “You really like him, don’t you?”

Oh, God.

“Wha- what?! I mean… I don’t really think we- no, it’s not like that.”

Why was I lying to her?

She chuckled at me. “Trust me, it’s okay. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about! I know Jax doesn’t seem the type to actually care about people, but I think that deep down inside, he does. I mean, he’s still a huge, selfish prick and he makes me want to rip my hair out. But at the end of the day, he’s a part of the crew!”

Was it really that obvious that we had something going on?!

I sighed. “Ragatha… I don’t know what it is about him. I can’t stand him but at the same time, I like being around him. It’s pretty frustrating, actually.”

I surprised myself that I started confiding in her about this. It was actually pretty easy to talk to Ragatha, though. I trusted her, and I knew that she would only ever want the best for everyone here.

“I’m glad that you two are friends. Really. You deserve all the friendship you can get here.”

Yeah, friends. Sure. We’ll go with that…

*************************

I was finally able to catch Pomni at a good time. I needed to talk to her. Today was a good distraction, but I still had the anxiety about Caine lingering in the back of my mind.

I cut right to the chase, hoping I wouldn’t have any more distractions.

“Pomni, why does Jax keep telling me to stop worrying about a way out? I tried bringing it up to him and he completely shut it down.”

“Uh, well… I feel like there’s a lot I don’t know about Jax. He kinda pisses me off, so I’m not surprised about that.” Her eyes shifted, “He’s not a jerk to you, is he?”

I mean… he kinda was. But especially after talking to Ragatha, I was becoming more and more convinced that it was just a front. Either that, or he is just trying to keep me around as a fuck buddy.

“Well, he can be, I guess. He’s just really damn stubborn. But it seems like underneath it all, he might have my best interest in mind? It’s hard to really know…”

“Don’t listen to him. Seriously, all he cares about is himself. Look, it’s clear that there’s something going on. Caine is progressively losing more and more control over us. There has to be a reason why.”

I gathered my thoughts. The last thing I wanted to do was piss Jax off by not listening to him. But I wanted to hear Pomni out.

“So… how are you planning on figuring this out?” I asked, covertly directing the conversation away from Jax.

She paused for a moment, like she was building up the courage to speak.

“We have to get to the void.”

The void…

I wanted to talk to Jax about it again. There had to be a way to convince him that this could actually work. He might act like he’s comfortable here, but why wouldn’t he want to try to see what’s on the other side? Besides, he keeps telling me that he’s going to figure out what’s going on with Caine… even if that’s just so he can keep sleeping with me.

I wanted to ask Pomni about her… episode that she had during the carnival, but I was beginning to feel overwhelmed myself.

“I’m going to think about this, okay Pomni? I promise I’ll keep you updated.”

I did need to think. My mind was a hurricane, aching and swelling with dread. Whenever I found an answer, it only multiplied my questions.

There’s gotta be a way out of here…

I was completely overwhelmed, and for the first time since arriving here, I felt the need to be alone.

I eyed the observatory and immediately found myself walking towards it. It was the perfect place for some sort of tranquility.

I found my seat, and sat down with a sigh. I gazed at the sky, trying to ease my mind. The air was quiet and serene, but it felt nearly impossible to focus. Regardless of the peaceful atmosphere, I could still feel the anxiety inside of me surfacing once again. Being alone with my thoughts was proving to be downright dangerous. I thought about Pomni, Caine, the void… an exit…

But with all of the chaos inside of me, I always found myself defaulting back to Jax. He was constantly lingering in my mind. I hated how much of my head he occupied, but I had to admit that no matter how much of a stubborn ass he was, he made me feel… good. In more ways than one.

I reflected on the conversation I had with Ragatha. So badly did I want to ask Jax about Kaufmo, but surely that would just strike a nerve. I couldn’t handle that right now. I needed some comfort and guidance more than anything else, but Jax was so fickle with his affection. Does he really only care about himself? I still didn’t know what the hell was going on in his head.

I really need a distraction right now…

I got up, and started heading for Jax’s room, hoping he would be there. It was like I was subconsciously being pulled towards him. I was getting so anxious that I didn’t care if he was just going to use me, I just needed to feel some sort of connection. Any distraction I could get.

I didn’t want to be alone anymore.

I was frantically pacing down the hallway headed for his door, when something caught my eye. The doors with portraits on them, crossed out with a big red X. I slowed down, studying each and every one of them.

These are… all people who have abstracted, aren’t they?

I walked up to a door.

A clown? Is this…?

“Hey, sweetheart. Watcha doin there?”

He spoke as if he was talking to a child who was about to get in trouble.

My stomach dropped. I turned around to see Jax standing there, looming over me. I must have been too entranced by the door, I didn’t even hear him coming. He was grinning, but it didn’t look like a happy grin.

“Uh… hey, Jax, I was actually just on my way to get you.”

“Oh, you wanna fool around? Come on-”

He grabbed me by my hand, practically dragging me towards my room.

“Jax! What are you doing?!”

“Shush. Save the whining for the bedroom.”

This fucking asshole.

I gave in at that point, knowing that there was no point in resisting. Surprisingly, I wasn’t too upset about this. The whole reason I wanted to see him was for a distraction, and I guess it was already working.

The second we entered my room, he was being exceptionally handsy with me. He leaned down and wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me almost too tightly. He kissed my neck, his grip moving down to my hips, pulling me closer. His hands continued to roam everywhere, exploring every curve, analyzing every inch of me.

I was completely under his spell. Absolutely captivated. Just feeling him touch me like that was turning me on, that familiar heat growing between my legs.

This is exactly what I needed.

I welcomed every touch. Once again, I could slowly feel my mind clearing up, becoming increasingly engulfed by him.

“Jax… I really need this right now…” I whimpered between breaths, holding onto him as I felt his grip getting progressively more intense.

He grabbed my face, forcing me to look up at him. His eyes looked wild and impatient. He was the embodiment of lust at this point.

“Come on, let me take care of you.”

####
####

He did not hesitate. He nearly ripped my clothes off, throwing them aside. I started making my way over to my bed, but didn’t get that far. I felt his hand reach down, finding my dripping cunt.

I felt his finger spread me open and enter me, and he wasn’t being gentle this time. My head shot back, involuntarily letting out an eager gasp at the sudden fullness. His other hand pushed down onto my shoulder, effectively making my already weak knees give out. I kneeled on the floor and he followed, starting to slide his finger in and out of me until my body gave up and collapsed onto the ground. He had me in a complete daze, my anxiety completely vanished by now. I’d talk to him later. Now, all I could think about was him and the pure bliss he was providing me.

“Fuck!” I cried, feeling a second finger cram in. The pressure was intense, I could feel myself being completely stretched open. My body rocked against the cold, hard floor as he continued to shove in and out.

“Hah, you like that, don’t ya?” his tone was patronizing, like he was simply entertained by my moaning and squirming.

Oddly enough, his disdain only made me hotter. My entire body was trembling.

“Yes… oh, Jax, I love feeling your fingers inside of me…”

He grinned, his breaths getting heavier.

After a few more forceful thrusts, he yanked his fingers out of me, putting them right into his mouth. I watched in awe as his long tongue twisted around his fingers, tasting me, savoring me. He held me by my neck, taking his fingers out of his mouth and shoving them into mine.

“See how good you taste?” he taunted. “All that wetness, just for me, huh?”

My eyes rolled back as I tasted his fingers, nearly choking on them as he shoved them in further. I moved my tongue around, tasting every bit, just like he wanted.

“What a good girl…”

I gasped for air as soon as he removed his fingers from my mouth, and he proceeded to push me down all the way. More whimpering escaped my mouth, like I was begging him for more.

His grip on my neck tightened.

“Now touch yourself,” he growled.

“W-what?” I choked out.

“You heard me,” he said as he used his other hand to lift one of my legs. “Come on. Do it.”

I slowly reached down. I looked up at him as I stroked myself with my finger tips, rubbing gentle circles into my clit. It felt good, but the real pleasure came from seeing him so infatuated with the sight. He looked absolutely enthralled. He released his grip from my throat, now each hand gripping my ankles. He pulled my legs apart, watching my every move as I continued to play with myself. I let the tips of my fingers glide between every wet fold, looking up at him as if searching for his approval.

“Alright, that’s enough,” he said, as he released my ankles and climbed on top of me. He wrapped his arms around me, propping me up just to turn me over onto my side. He continued to hold onto me, positioning himself behind me, essentially spooning me. His movements were so quick and forceful, I could barely keep up with what was going on.

I felt his hardened tip prodding against me, moving down my ass and between my thighs, and he slid his dick between them. He fucked my thighs, using the wet mess I was making as lubricant. I felt how hot and heavy his breath was on the back of my head. His arms stayed wrapped around me, holding me into place.

“Oh, Jax-“ I started to moan, when his hand moved up to cover my mouth, squeezing my face.

I felt his dick slide up, his tip searching for the entrance. His weight shifted just a bit, and I felt it slide right in place, like that’s where it belonged.

“Fuck, you’re wet…” he groaned desperately. He uncovered my mouth as I let out a cry, louder than I thought it would be.

The feeling of his cock stretching my pussy was like nothing else. It was heaven. I’d do anything to make sure that I would never lose this.

He held onto me, fucking me from behind. He pulled me into him, his arms wrapped so tight it was almost suffocating. But I kept crying out for him, begging him for more.

“Don’t stop… oh, shit, Jax, please…! Fuck my pussy, please, don’t fucking stop-“

I felt him press his face into the back of my head. I listened to his frantic breaths as he cradled me, slipping in and out furiously. His thrusts were becoming increasingly aggressive, almost painful. But I somehow wanted more.

It was my turn to taunt him.

“Is that… all you got?” I panted.

He hesitated for the smallest moment before he slid his dick out. I whined at the emptiness, but before I could even comprehend what he was doing, I was lying on my stomach.

He grabbed a handful of my hair, shoving my face down into the hard floor as he scoffed,

“You asked for it.”

He immediately slid himself back in, his cock ramming into me, impossibly deep. I felt a sense of satisfaction that I was able to provoke him so much with my words. I could tell he was losing control, letting his urges completely take over.

He held my head down with one hand, as his other hand had a death grip on my hip. He continued to use me, his fingers moving to dig into the soft flesh of my ass. It was impossible to stay quiet.

“Oh, God… Jax… yes… yes!”

“That’s right… keep moaning for me, sweetheart.”

He released my hair and lowered his body down onto mine. He reached his long arms around my neck, putting me into a chokehold as he slammed my body into the floor with his. God, he fucked me so good. His panting got louder, turning into groans that sounded almost feral.

I could barely move, but I could shift myself enough to arch my back, letting his cock reach even deeper.

“FUCK,” he groaned, louder than I’d ever heard him before.

My legs didn’t feel like they worked anymore. My body was completely at his mercy. I was getting close, and I hoped that he was too. I didn’t know how much more of this I could handle.

I felt my pussy start to clench, when he spoke again.

“You’re all mine… okay? No one else’s. Mine.”

Those words were exactly what I needed.

I came, hard. I felt my pussy drench itself as his cock was buried deep, his hips slammed against my ass. I cried out his name, worshiping him, tears welling up in my eyes out of pure ecstasy.

I was barely done coming when he pulled out. He let go of me and grabbed his throbbing cock, leaning back as he came as well.

I fell onto my stomach, shaking with overstimulation as I felt his hot load burst onto me.

My vision was blurry. I was in such a daze, it took me a second to realize that I was completely covered in his cum. All up my back, dripping between my thighs. I had no energy left. I laid on the floor, my chest heaving, my pussy aching.

He stumbled, but caught himself as he leaned down next to me.

“Let’s… go to the bed…” he said, still gasping for air.

####
####

We stumbled to the bed, still in a daze. We laid next to each other, catching our breaths, not saying a word.

I didn’t even know what to say. I could barely think. The only emotion I was capable of recognizing at the moment was pure and utter admiration.

It was becoming clear that there was no way I could live without him.

Chapter Text

After a while of laying in silence, I turned to look at Jax. He seemed completely lost in thought. I considered that he might still be in a daze- I mean, he just went HARD on me. But he was calm, his breathing now slow and quiet. I was enjoying the silence, though. It wasn’t awkward, rather it felt like we were basking in each other’s presence. At least that’s how it felt for me. I could lay there all day just staring at his stupid, adorable face. 

I suddenly recalled something he said during sex, not fully realizing exactly what he said until after the fact. “You’re all mine.” God, that made my heart flutter. But how was I supposed to know if he really meant that, or if it was just some in-the-moment dirty talk? My body was recovered, but my heart still ached for him. I was desperate for his affection.

He must have noticed me staring at him and turned his head to look at me. My eyes didn’t move from his, and I felt my heart flutter with adoration. He looked almost emotionless, but then he mumbled something. He said it quietly, but it completely shifted the mood.

“I do care about you.”

I looked at him in complete bewilderment. I was sure I heard him wrong.

“Jax… what?”

He looked away from me, gazing up at the ceiling again. He didn’t say anything else.

I propped myself up. “What did you say!?” I was fully convinced that I misheard him. There’s no way that he just said that. Or he did, and now he’s about to go back on it and say something rude. But he said it again.

“I care about you.”

I squinted at him as if I was searching for some sort of hidden meaning, some sort of clue as to why I’m hearing those words from him. I didn’t know what to say, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. He looked calm, but I swore his face looked a little more red than usual.

“Jax…”

He looked at me again, this time with a bit more irritation. “Don’t go thinking I’m happy about it. And if you’re gonna make it a big deal, then I take it back.”

I didn’t even care about his attitude. My heart melted at his words. Was he being serious? This was the first time I had ever heard anything so authentic from him that didn’t have to do with sex.

My heart was racing. I wanted to cry tears of joy, I wanted to squeal, hug him, and gush about how happy he just made me. But I played it cool. I knew it probably took a lot out of him to say those words, and I didn’t want to push it.

Instead, I leaned over into him. I wrapped my arm around him and nuzzled into his chest.

“I care about you too, Jax.”

He didn’t say anything. He let me cuddle up to him, but he seemed tense.

“Can I ask why you’re so… reluctant to share your feelings?”

Still, silence. He was being vulnerable, and I knew that was hard for him. I began to think my question was too much, not expecting an answer. Honestly, that was fine. At this point, I accepted that it would take a while for him to open up to me. I was more than content with just laying there in silence, but he eventually responded.

“If you haven’t noticed by now, I have a lovely habit of pushing people away.”

No kidding.

“But… why? Jax, I love being around you. And having connections with people is a good thing.”

He closed his eyes, still letting me rest on his chest.

“No, it’s not. None of that matters, especially here. What’s the point of getting attached if you’re just going to leave me?”

“What?! What makes you think I’m going to leave you?”

“…can we talk about this some other time?”

I really didn’t want to push him, but now I couldn’t think straight. I blurted out exactly what I wanted to say.

“No. Talk to me, please. Why do you think I’m going to leave? I promise I’m not going to.”

It was a hefty promise, one that I shouldn’t have made. How was I supposed to know that one of us wouldn’t abstract someday? What if we eventually made it out and never saw each other again? But my impulses were taking over. Even if I wasn’t sure about that, I was at least sure that I never wanted to be apart from him.

“Can you stop with the lying!?” He snapped, the irritation in his tone returning.

I really didn’t want to make him angry. I tried to stay calm, I wanted to make him feel safe enough to confide in me. But my heart was still racing.

“Jax… I’m not lying. I don’t ever want to be without you. I’m serious.”

He scoffed.

“Sure you don’t. Why do you want to leave this place so bad then?”

My heart dropped. “I don’t want to leave you. I just… know there’s more out there. I want to hear Pomni out. I know I have a life out there, and I know everyone else wants to leave too. We could try to leave together!”

I could tell he was getting frustrated.

“Why don’t you just stop worrying about it and stay here?!”

“Why are you suddenly acting like you want to be around me? I can’t be just your fuck toy forever, Jax.”

“Well, why not?”

Now I was getting frustrated. I pulled away from him.

“Do you actually care about me?! Or do you just want me to stick around so you can keep fucking me?! You are such a pervert.”

For a brief second, he looked startled at my retort. But almost immediately, his mask went back up. He gave me the most arrogant grin I’ve seen yet, although he didn’t look happy in the slightest. Just downright vindictive.

“I tell you I care about you, and you start arguing and insulting me? How disappointing.” His sarcastic voice was filled with pure contempt.

My heart was aching. I didn’t want to argue.

“Jax, I’m sorry. I… really like you. I like being around you, I like seeing you happy. And it’s so frustrating because I don’t even know why I like you so much... You can be a total asshole, but I still can’t stay away from you. And it’s not just because of the sex. I like you. I care about you.”

“Just stop talking.”

I felt sick with frustration. I could feel the lump in my throat forming. I thought back to what Pomni said about him. “All he cares about is himself.” I felt so defeated. Why was it so impossible for him to have a normal, healthy conversation? Why is it that whenever his feelings come up, it turns into an argument? I couldn’t take it. My eyes were warm with tears.

“I didn’t… mean to upset you…” I said, my voice cracking.

The nasty smile on his face softened when he noticed me start to cry. I turned away from him, burying my face into the pillow, as if that would be an escape from him. I didn’t want to talk anymore. It was useless. He was a dick, and I was absolutely wasting my time trying to figure out his feelings. I needed to get out of this place.

My breaths quickened, my mind fighting with itself. Trying not to cry, trying not to panic. But I couldn’t move. Even after all of this bullshit, it still felt impossible to tell him to leave. I hated how much I liked him. I felt pathetic.

“Uh…”

I heard him start to speak, but I didn’t want to hear it. I couldn’t take any more of this torment.

Regardless, I still couldn’t pull myself away from him. I pushed myself deeper into my pillow, now wet from my tears.

I felt him set his hand on my back. Although it was gentle, the feeling made me flinch.

“Hey… quit bein’ such a crybaby, okay?”

I didn’t respond.

“Um…” he said, like he was trying to find the words. Such an idiot. He didn’t even know how to comfort me without using his dick.

I felt his hand start to move on my naked back, caressing it so… softly.

“Okay, look. I’m… sorry. Don’t cry.”

The feeling of his hand on my back, and how tender his voice was, was undeniably comforting. I was still pissed off and hurt, but I could feel my breathing start to regulate again.

He spoke again, “I really… like you. It’s stupid, and I hate it. But it’s true.”

I still didn’t say anything. His hand continued stroking. Ugh. It felt… so nice. I felt my body relax. But I still couldn’t speak.

It was silent for a few more moments as his touch was effectively calming me down. But I still felt sick. I didn’t want him to play with my emotions anymore. He might be saying this now, but I knew that he was far too capable of making me feel like shit.

Finally, I spoke. Muffled by my pillow, “Jax… I don’t want you to hurt me anymore.”

He continued rubbing my back.

“I don’t want you to hurt me anymore, either.”

That caught my attention. I lifted my head to look at him.

“What am I doing that’s hurting you…?”

“You’re trying to find a way out of here, but you can’t. You literally can’t. If you keep trying, you’ll…” he trailed off.

I sighed, trying to think of what to say that wouldn’t set him off again.

“Jax… I won’t leave. Okay?”

“Do you promise?”

Shit.

“…I promise.”

I laid my head down again, now looking at him, still relishing in his comforting touch.

Isn’t this exactly what I’ve wanted? Why do I still feel so terrible…

“Jax?”

“Hm.”

“Don’t you ever feel scared here?”

I don’t know why I asked that. Even though he’s been surprisingly open with me in the last few minutes, I doubted I would get a real answer for this one. I still didn’t know exactly what was going on in his mind. I began to think that he was just terribly troubled. He was clearly hurting inside, from something. Was it because of Kaufmo? Who knows what he has experienced to turn him into such a closed-off prick.

“Nah. I’m fine.”

Yeah. That’s pretty much what I was expecting. But there’s no way he doesn’t get scared sometimes. I mean… he has been here a while. Is he really just used to it by now? I thought back to when I confronted him about putting on a tough guy act, when I accused him of bullying everyone else to distract himself from his own anxiety. He got so defensive. There has to be more to him.

Even though I still had some uneasy thoughts about him, I was starting to truly believe that he might have genuine feelings for me. Not just my body.

“You seriously like me, Jax?”

At this point, I think I was just desperately grasping at any lingering ounce of affection from him. I wanted as much as I could get from him while he was being vulnerable.

He stared down at me, his expression apprehensive, but tender. He didn’t say anything. He reached around me and pulled me close to him again. I didn’t hesitate to nuzzle into him, feeling his arms wrapped around me. How was it possible that he could make me so angry and so incredible at the same time?

He reached down and kissed the top of my head, leaving his face there, buried in my hair.

“Sure do, sweetheart.”

I felt his words heal me. There was no way I could ever lose him. He’s mine.

Chapter Text

~ JAX’S POINT OF VIEW ~

Fuck. This is so stupid. So so so stupid.

The next morning came, and Jax found himself waking up next to her again.

Why the fuck do I keep letting myself do this?!

He rolled over, propping himself up with his hand. He stared at her, taking in every little detail.

God, she is so fucking cute when she is asleep. Disgusting.

He couldn’t deny how he felt about her, but he cringed at the things he told her last night.

Why did I open up to her like that? What the hell was I thinking?!

He felt utterly repulsed by himself. Why was he letting her affect him this much? What could have possibly possessed him to tell her that he liked and cared about her?

Of course he meant it, but he still felt weak and pathetic. He couldn’t understand what was so special about her, and why she made him feel this way. It was maddening. He hated it.

But as he continued to study her sleeping face, he couldn’t help but to feel that nauseating softness creep up inside of him again.

He really liked her. So much so, that it made him sick. The feeling of caring about someone this much only amplified his distress. He wanted to panic just thinking about it.

Why the hell is she so obsessed with finding an exit, anyways? Is she really that dumb? I told her it’s impossible… she’s so stupid.

Ultimately, he recognized that his callous thoughts were only a product of how much he wanted her to stay. He had no idea how to process this feeling. Being soft and sensitive was a part of him that he destroyed a long time ago. But he couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of her abstracting. Not after Kaufmo. He wouldn’t be able to handle it. He needed to figure out a way to stop her.

He started to get up, being slow and quiet, not wanting to wake her up. To his disappointment, she peeked her eyes open at his movements.

“Jax…? Where are you going?” she mumbled, still half asleep.

“Uh… hey, I have some things I need to take care of, okay?”

“Mmm… stay here…”

He felt his heart sting for a moment at her sleepy request. He didn’t want to be away from her, but he did in fact have matters to attend to.

He needed to figure out this situation with Caine, and he needed to talk to Pomni. He wanted to convince her to quit trying to get her to leave, and in doing so, try to get some useful information out of her about what’s going on with Caine.

Jax looked at her sleepy face, her eyes moving in a slow blink, like she was begging him to stay. Instinctively, he wanted tell her to get over it, but something she said last night stuck with him.

“I don’t want you to hurt me anymore.” Those words of hers played on repeat in his head. He never wanted to actually hurt her. But why’d she have to be so needy and sensitive all the time? Why’d she have to go and make him feel like such a dick?

“Hey… let’s meet up later, okay?”

She groaned at his response and rolled over, once again asleep.

He hated to leave her, but being around her was only making him more tense. He really needed to figure this out.

He got up, pulling up his clothes, and quietly left her room. He exhaled with a sigh as soon as he stepped into the hallway.

“Uhhh, Jax? What were you doing in her room?”

It was Ragatha. Why did she look so… flustered?

Jax quickly put on his cocky grin.

“Hey, dollface. What, are ya stalking me or somethin’?”

He started walking past her, but she stopped him.

“I swear, if you are messing with her or something…”

“I’m nooot. We were just having a conversation. Mind your own business, okay? Sheesh.”

Ragatha grumbled as she also made her way down to the main area.

As Jax and Ragatha approached the rest of the group, Jax noticed that everyone seemed to look a little… tense. They all looked at him, only to quickly shift their eyes away.

“What’s everyone’s deal today?” He said with a mildly annoyed tone.

They were all silent for a moment before Zooble spoke.

“We know you’ve been spending the nights with her. Do you really think we don’t notice?”

Jax felt his face turn completely red. He immediately thought back to the night before and how shamelessly loud they were.

Shit. There’s no way they didn’t hear us.

He quickly turned away from everyone.

“I have no idea what you losers are talking about,” he said, trying with every fiber of his being to sound nonchalant.

He peeked over at Ragatha, who looked absolutely nervous.

“Jax… We just want to make sure that you’re being good to her.”

Jax was getting overwhelmed. The last thing he ever wanted was for everyone to think he’s some romantic sap.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he reiterated, although it was obvious he was getting worked up.

“Sure. What are you, in love with her or something?” asked Zooble, knowing it would piss him off.

Jax briefly looked like he was going to rip Zooble apart, but he found the willpower to push it down and put his mask on, desperately trying to take control of the situation.

“Oh, Zoobie! You’re so delusional, it’s hilarious!” he sneered.

“You’re the one that’s delusional, are you kidding?” they replied.

“Hey, where is she anyways?” Pomni stepped in.

“How should I know? Why don’t you go find her since you two are such BFF’s now?” Jax snapped back, more animosity in his voice than he meant.

“Jax, what is your problem?! Why are you acting so weird and defensive?” Pomni snapped back.

It was getting harder for Jax to keep his cool. He was getting irritated.

“Why am I being interrogated right now?!”

“Jax, it’s okay… Do you want to talk about it in private?” Ragatha asked quietly, only for her kindness to be shot down.

“Shut up. I’m not interested in a therapy session right now.”

“Will you quit being such an asshole?! This is why we are concerned about her!” Pomni said.

“Everyone please stop fighting…” Gangle cried softly, as the others continued bickering insults.

Jax was about to throw his hands up and walk away, until he saw her walk up to the group, still looking sleepy.

“Mornin’, guys… what’s going on?” She said, rubbing her eyes, noticing the tense air but oblivious to the topic of conversation.

“Hey! Good morning, sleepyhead!” Ragatha said, with so much enthusiasm in her voice, it was a little too obvious that she was overcompensating.

This is the worst time for her to show up, Jax thought. But as he looked at her, he noticed the calm that washed over him. It’s like her presence completely reset his mood. But he was aware enough to make sure no one else noticed the effect she had on him. He had to protect his dignity.

“Everything okay, guys…?” she asked, her eyes scanning the group until they stopped at Jax.

He looked away from her, silent as he crossed his arms and stared at the ground.

“Everything’s fine!! We are just… waiting for Caine!” Ragatha said, her frantic tone failing to provide any comfort.

“Uh… okay?”

Jax was extremely uncomfortable. They definitely knew. No matter how much he tried to deny it, he knew they weren’t that stupid.

When Kaufmo was here, everyone knew he and Jax were friends. Jax never actually went out of his way to admit it, but it was obvious with how much time they spent together. He thought about how he was never really mean to Kaufmo either, just some harmless teasing.

That’s it. Maybe if he could be so nasty to her, they’d never guess that he actually liked her. He peeked over at her again, watching her talk to Ragatha, but too lost in his own thoughts to hear or care about what they were saying. He went over all the ideas in his head.

Should I push her down and insult her? Humiliate her and make her cry in front of everyone?

His crude thoughts were interrupted when she looked at him again. She gave him a soft smile, the admiration in her eyes glowing. God. She was so….

Fuck.

He couldn’t do it. It was absolutely frustrating. He genuinely did not want to hurt her anymore. He started to feel sick again from the unfamiliar soft feelings.

Continuing this charade was proving to be absolutely exhausting.

“Come here.” he demanded.

She looked at him, slightly confused by the sudden command. She hesitantly walked over to him.

Everyone’s eyes were on them.

His impulses took over. He wrapped his arm around her, and pulled her into his side, his motions just rough enough to not appear too affectionate.

“Alright, guys. Ya got me!” he said, his voice unnervingly chipper.

She looked up at him in shock, face red, the soft glow in her eyes changing to unease.

“We are just the best of friends. My, what could I ever do without her?! She’s just the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen!”

His tone was disgustingly sarcastic.

He pulled her closer, gripping her, now being a little too rough.

“Isn’t that right, sweetheart?”

“Uh…” she began, only to be cut off by him again.

“Come on, tell them! Tell them how close we are. Tell them about last night-“

“Take your hands off of her!” shrieked Ragatha, darting towards them to intervene.

“Back off, dollface.”

Ragatha was about to clap back, when Caine appeared.

“HELLO, my little superstars!”

Jax scowled. He briskly released her, nearly pushing her away, making her stumble.

Caine paused. He scanned the area, taking note of the hostile atmosphere.

“…I hope everyone is behaving! Anyways, I’m here to speak to Jax. Come now!”

Caine grabbed Jax by the wrist, and an instant, they were teleported elsewhere.

“Can you quit with the random teleporting, Caine?!” Jax sighed. “What do you want.”

“So… I know that I’ve given you guys a little more freedom than I should. I’m very glad you’re enjoying your time with her, but you have to remember that this cannot last!” Caine said.

Jax’s scowl intensified. “Why do you feel the need to intervene?”

“Why, I’m just trying to keep everyone in line! It’s for your own protection, you know.”

Jax was not amused. “Look, Caine. Her and I have been fuckin’ around and everything’s been fine. Just leave us alone, alright?”

“No can do! You should know more than anyone that it’s not a good idea to get too attached to someone.”

Jax felt his heart drop. “What did you just say?”

Caine was programmed to help. He wasn’t malicious, but he also didn’t have a true sense of empathy.

“I advise that you convince her to stop looking for a way out. She is quite the anxious one, you see. You wouldn’t want her to abstract, would you?”

“No shit! I’ve been trying to convince her!”

Caine noticed that Jax was getting riled up.

“Now is a great time for a new adventure!”

“Ugh, now is not the time, Caine. Could you bring me back, now?! I don’t feel like dealing with your bullshit.”

“Very well. Just remember what I’ve said, Jax!”

Jax was teleported back to the group. He stumbled, feeling nauseous. He looked around, all eyes were on him again.

“Got something to say?” Jax snapped.

He began to walk away when Pomni ran after him.

“Jax… I need to talk to you.”

***********************

Jax and Pomni made their way to a more secluded area. Normally he didn’t care about what Pomni had to say, but he needed to take this opportunity to figure things out.

“Look… I don’t know what your deal is, but you need to stop putting the idea of an exit in her head,” said Jax.

“Jax, don’t you realize what’s going on? Caine is losing control over us.”

“You’re crazy.”

“You know I’m right, Jax. You know something’s going on. And I’m not stupid, I know that you two are able to… well, you know.”

“No, I don’t know. What exactly are we doing?” he asked facetiously.

Pomni began looking flustered. “Look! That’s none of my business. Seriously though, you really think the fact that you’re able to do that with her is normal here?”

Jax sighed. He knew she was right.

He crossed his arms. “Alright then. What do you propose the reason for this is, then?”

“Well… back when I found my way to the void… Jax, it was like something was calling for me. I can’t explain it.” She hesitated for a moment, like she was gathering her thoughts. “Remember when we went on that adventure to find Caine’s box?”

“Yeah? What’s that have to do with anything?”

“Well… when Ragatha and I found the box, I was able to peek inside of it.”

“Your point is?”

“There were documents in there.”

“So what?”

“Ugh, Jax. I didn’t get much time to really look over them. I didn’t want Ragatha to notice. But the documents all had our names on it, and random strings of numbers and letters.”

Jax’s interest piqued just a bit. “Was it… our codes?”

“I think so? I’ve just never seen them written out like that. But… something didn’t seem right? Like things were scribbled out, rewritten, etcetera. I’m not sure if Caine realized I was able to see it, but-“

“Well, where’s the box now?!”

Jax wasn’t concerned about leaving like Pomni was. All he wanted was to figure out a way to keep Caine out of his personal life, and these ‘documents’ could be a lead.

“How am I supposed to know? Caine has it.”

“Well, how can we find it?!”

“Jax! I don’t know. I just thought if maybe us three worked together, it could help us find a way out.”

For the first time, Jax questioned his adamance about there not being an exit. Could she really be on to something? But just as quickly as he second guessed himself, he pushed it down.

No. There’s no way I’m about to be looking for a way out, too.

“I don’t know about this, Pomni…”

“Jax, please just hear me out. I think that if we can get to the void again, Caine might have lost enough control to stop us.”

“There’s no way you could know that.”

Pomni looked frustrated, but she clearly wasn’t going to budge.

“Jax… I know that you don’t want her to abstract. But please, we have to try.”

“Who cares if she abstracts?” Jax said, although it was useless trying to put up a front at this point.

Pomni sighed. “If you really care about her, wouldn’t you want to let her try instead of holding her hostage here?”

Nope. We aren’t going to talk about my feelings right now.

“Alright, Pomni. I’m done with this conversation. Go ahead and abstract if that’s what you want.”

She began to speak, but he walked away. He had enough information, and now she was just starting to piss him off.

He made his way to his room again.

He closed his door behind him and sighed. He leaned his back against the door, and put his face in his hands.

This is absolutely ridiculous. What’s Pomni’s deal, trying to get all up in my business?

His mind was a wreck. He wanted to feel resentment and anger. Those emotions were comfortable to him. But he still couldn’t get her out of his mind… the possibility of her leaving this place, or abstracting… either way, leaving him behind. He wouldn’t be able to handle it. He hated the aching yearning in his chest.

There was a knock at his door, making him flinch.

“Jax…? Can I come in?”

Chapter Text

What the fuck was that about? Was Jax trying to humiliate me!?

I stood at his door, knocking.

“Jax…? Can I come in?”

Even if he was in his room, I figured he wouldn’t actually let me in. It was a little frustrating that his room was such a “secret”.

To my surprise, he opened the door and peeked his head out.

“Yes?”

“Can I please come in?” I asked again, now my tone a bit more stern.

“Uh. Hang on a sec-“

He slammed the door and went back inside. I rolled my eyes.

Several seconds passed.

What the hell is he doing?!

I was about to knock again, this time more aggressively, but he opened the door again. He looked down at me with an annoying smirk.

“Come on in!”

“Oh. Wow, okay.” I was honestly surprised he was letting me in.

Walking into Jax’s room was… underwhelming. Why is he so secret about this?

His walls were a pale periwinkle color. The hard floors looked wooden, a dark color, almost black. It was scattered with random items thrown around. Half eaten food, old banana peels, whoopee cushions… a bunch of prank items? I looked over at his bed.

Just a mattress on the floor?!

He had shelves on his walls adorned with multiple random items, not very neatly placed. Boxes, plants that looked dead… bowling balls on display.

“Hey Jax, I thought you didn’t like bowli-“

“What brings you here, anyways?” He interrupted.

“Your room is… kind of a mess.”

“I don’t remember asking for interior design advice.”

I glared at him. “Can you please explain to me what that was all about? You know, when we were talking to the others?”

He plopped down onto his “bed”. He had one blanket that was carelessly shoved to the side. He laid there with his hands behind his head.

“What’s wrong? You wanna keep us a secret?”

“Well… no, I mean-“

He interrupted me again. “Hey, come here,” he said, patting the space on his bed next to him.

I stared at him for a moment. I knew he was just going to try to fool around to avoid talking.

I walked over to his bed, standing there looking down at him.

“I just… don’t understand you sometimes, Jax.”

“What do you mean?”

“Stop acting dumb.”

I decided to change the subject to see if he would start cooperating.

“Hey, where’d you and Pomni go off to earlier?”

He lowered his eyelids at me. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Why are you being such an ass?!”

He sighed, sounding somewhat annoyed. “Ugh. Okay, I’m sorry. Just lay down next to me, okay?”

I reluctantly obeyed. His “bed” was actually pretty comfortable for just being a mattress.

“There, that’s better,” he smirked.

I laid there for a moment, not touching him. It was useless trying to converse with him right now. I was quiet, wanting him to speak first.

“So. This mattress is pretty comfortable, huh?” He asked with a flirtatious cadence.

I didn’t even look at him.

“Caine offered me a real bed but I think this one works fine. What do you think?”

I still didn’t respond.

A few more moments of silence went by until he finally started acknowledging my questions.

“So, Pomni told me something interesting today.”

I peeked over at him. “Oh yeah?”

“Remember that adventure we went on to try to find Caine’s stupid box?”

Jax proceeded to tell me all about the documents that Pomni found.

“So do you think that she’s on to something?! Like with finding a way out?”

He shot me a nasty glare.

“Will you quit with that!?” He paused for a moment, like he was trying to compose himself. “I think that this can help us figure out a way to keep the freedom we do have.”

“So, you’re still just worried about us being able to fuck.”

“Can you imagine being stuck here forever and not being able to?”

God damnit. He was right.

“Okay… well, what do we do?”

“I don’t know! I just…” he trailed off. He was starting to look uneasy.

I hated seeing him nervous. Not only because I cared about how he felt, but because his anxiety directly affected mine. His typical arrogant behavior was oddly refreshing. Even if his confidence was just a front, it still made me feel grounded and safe.

I slowly leaned my head towards him, resting it on his shoulder. He welcomed it, sliding his arm under me and pulling me into him.

It was silent again. The air between us was uncomfortable. Not awkward, just weird. I could tell we were both deep in thought.

Regardless, It was surreal how good he made me feel just by being near me. His touch had the power to completely calm me.

“…Jax?” I whispered.

“Hm?”

“I’m really glad I found you.”

He didn’t say anything, but that was expected. I felt him pull me a little closer.

There were still so many things I wanted to ask him, but I didn’t want to ruin this tender moment. I tried to think of a way to gently ease into it.

“So… I guess I don’t mind if the others know about us.”

I felt him peek down at me.

“Yeah? Well that’s good, considering they already do.”

I tensed up, moving away from him a bit. “Wait, what?”

“Shhh. Stay here.” His arm tightened around me, as if to hold me in place.

“How do they…?”

“They’re not as dumb as you’d think, sweetheart. Look, it’s not a big deal. Just… don’t go making me look like some mushy pushover, alright?”

I giggled at his words. “Well… okay.” I snuggled up to him again.

He seemed like he was opening up a bit.

“Can I ask you something, Jax?”

“About what?”

I felt myself become a bit on edge, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“Um… can you tell me about Kaufmo?”

I felt his body freeze.

“You mean that dumb clown that abstracted? Who told you about him?”

“Ragatha mentioned him.” I didn’t want him to know that she also mentioned that Jax seemed affected by his abstraction.

“He was just another sucker who gave up and lost his mind. Why do you care?”

I could tell by his defensive tone that I struck some sort of nerve. I didn’t want to upset him.

“Just wondering, that’s all…”

The silence returned, this time definitely a bit awkward.

His agitated response confirmed my suspicions that he must have been somewhat close to him. I decided to drop it for now.

My eyes wandered around his room, stopping at a curtain, cleverly the same color as his walls, effectively blending right in. Weird. I thought about it for a minute. We didn’t have windows in here…

“Hey, what’s that?” I asked, nodding my head towards the curtain.

“A curtain, dummy.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, what’s behind the curtain, smart ass?”

“Oh, you nosy little thing,” he said, swiftly pulling me even closer, my face now being smushed into him.

“Mmphh! H-hey-“ I tried to speak but my voice was muffled.

He snickered at my struggling. He loosened his grip, but his arms lingered around me.

I caught my breath and grinned. “You’re actually pretty cuddly, aren’t you Jax?” I teased.

“You think I’m cuddly? Gross.” He scoffed.

His arm that was under me curled up to wrap around my neck. His other hand moved up to my head, right at the base of my ears. His touch was deceivingly gentle, only to turn into a noogie, messing up my hair.

“Jax! Stop it!” I yelped, although I couldn’t deny his playful antics were amusing.

I wrestled out of the headlock to gain some sense of control, but he was stronger than me. He propped himself up and swung his leg over me, now straddling me. I laid on my back looking up at him as he grabbed my wrists and held me down.

His mischievous grin appeared genuinely authentic and joyful.

He leaned down, now only inches from my face. I couldn’t help but smirk at our roughhousing.

“Such a cuddly bunny, aren’t you Jax?” I said in a cutesy voice. Teasing him was proving to be extremely entertaining.

“You little brat…” he snapped back, as he strengthened the grip on my wrists. He reached down a little more only to meet his lips with mine.

Kissing him never failed to make my heart flutter. I giggled, taking in the softness of his mouth and tongue in contrast with the dominant grip he had on me.

I struggled a bit, whining like I was telling him to release my wrists. He did, and I reached up and locked my arms around him, feeling the heat of his body warm mine. I was aware he was probably just trying to distract me from any further conversation, but I was too intoxicated by him to care. Being so physically intimate with him was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, as far as I could remember at least. The magnitude of my feelings for him was so intense it was painful.

I pulled away for a moment to speak.

“Jax… I never want to lose you.”

He looked down into my eyes, his gaze now more intense and serious.

He looked like he had a lot to say, but stayed silent. I could see his face turning red.

“Enough with that corny bullshit,” he said, leaning back again. He didn’t take his eyes off me as he started pulling his overall straps down. I watched his eyes move down my body, taking in every little detail.

####
####

His hands found the bottom of my shirt, slipping underneath it and feeling up my chest, and I exhaled at his touch. My legs moved apart almost by instinct.

Jax pulled his overalls down, revealing how hard and ready he was. He reached down and started stroking himself, still with one hand on my chest, squeezing and pinching my nipple with more force than I was expecting. Just that, along with watching him touch himself, already had me soaked. Without much thought, I reached down my skirt and found my clit. I rubbed and swirled my wetness around, my chest heaving from the sight of him above me.

His ears perked up as he watched me touch myself, and he promptly slid down my skirt for a better view. I saw him stroke himself a bit faster as he watched me, his cheeks hot and flushed with lust, and his snarky expression showing just a hint of admiration. He let go of himself and grabbed my hand instead, bringing it to his throbbing, purple dick.

I grabbed it, gently squeezing and stroking, watching him respond in heavy breaths. Pleasuring him was almost more satisfying than pleasuring myself.

He repositioned himself, leaving my hand empty. He pulled my hips towards his, prodding me with his tip. He only broke eye contact to look down at what he was doing, impatiently guiding his cock to my entrance.

His grip on my hips tightened as he slowly started pushing himself into me. I felt his body tremble as every inch of him stretched my walls, sliding deeper, until the base of his shaft pressed against me. I couldn’t help but to cry out, whining at the feeling of him completely filling me up.

“Oh… Jax… you’re fucking huge…” I whimpered.

He smirked at the compliment and slowly pulled himself away from me, only to thrust in again, this time with much more force. I couldn’t control my voice anymore. I whined and moaned for him, relishing in the feeling of fullness from his cock. His length and girth was absolutely immaculate, a quite literal perfect fit.

I could hear his breathing turn into panting as he repeated his motions, pumping into me, each thrust more vigorous than the last.

His grip moved to my ankles, lifting my legs up and apart, looking down at himself fucking me. I closed my watering eyes, this position helping him go even deeper.

“God- you feel fucking good, sweetheart… f-fuck,” he groaned desperately, his voice shaking with pleasure.

I could only respond in moans, starving for more of him. I could barely think straight, but I was savoring every moment of my muddled thoughts. No anxiety, no fear, no dread. Nothing, except for pure, heavenly bliss.

His pelvis continued to crash into me, his cock reaching every corner of my pussy, over and over. Each thrust sending unending sparks of ecstasy through my entire being.

He let go of my legs to lean down, his hands on either side of me, holding himself up. My legs wrapped around him, bringing him closer. He leaned down further, onto his elbows. He kissed my neck, sloppy from his assertive humping. I could feel his hot breath on my neck as he kissed, sucked, and bit.

“Jax… Jax… ohhhh, God…” it was all I could say.

He moaned my name back.

“I never… ever… want to lose you…” His breathing was becoming increasingly shaky.

I felt that ache in my chest. Did he really mean that? Or is it just in the moment again? But my thoughts didn’t make it very far, immediately interrupted by the feeling of him speeding up. He pounded me into his stupid mattress at a pace that was now erratic and frantic, claiming my body as his own.

He wrapped his arms around me, bringing my body closer to his. I don’t think it was physically possible to be closer to him at this point. The feeling of us wrapped around each other, him filling me up with his cock, my neck and shoulder a wet mess from his mouth.

“Jax- you’re gonna… make me-“

“Fuck! Yes! Cum for me… Come on, show me how much you love my dick-“
I don’t think I’ve ever heard his voice that frenzied and excited before.

His hand creeped up around my neck, his squeeze gentle enough to keep me comfortable, but just tight enough to make me dizzy.

“Come on… come on…” he begged in my ear, his pleading voice breaking with each breath, his dick still pumping furiously.

I replied with a sharp gasp as he shoved his cock in one more time, his body shivering at the feeling of my pussy tightening around it. It was deep, almost too deep, but the twinge of pain only amplified the pleasure. I was becoming downright overstimulated.

“Jax! It’s… it’s too-“ i tried to speak, but I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt all the heat inside of me multiply, my orgasm taking hold of me.

“Hah- it’s too… what?” he teased, his voice lustful, his hips still pushed against me as I felt his throbbing cock twitch inside of me.

“Jax!” I cried, my body shuddering as I felt myself pulsating around his dick. My ears were ringing, my vision fading. This feeling… Jax making me cum so hard, so easily. It was the most incredible, thrilling sensation I could ever imagine possible.

He groaned into my ear, almost a growl, and I expected him to cum as well. But he didn’t. He pulled himself out of my aching hole, my body twitching as I came down from my high.

“That’s a good girl…” he panted, looking down at the mess I made, my wetness covering his impossibly hard cock, dripping all over us.

Without hesitation, he grabbed me by my ears, lifting me off my back, guiding me down to his erection.

I was still trying to catch my breath, still in a complete haze as I tried to process what was happening. But I didn’t hesitate either, letting him manhandle me however he pleased. I wanted nothing more than to return the favor.

I sloppily repositioned myself so that I was crouching down on my knees, sluggishly finding his dick with my mouth. He grabbed my ears tighter as his cock hastily slid down my throat, then back up again. He repeated his motions, using my ears as leverage to bob my head up and down on him.

I tried to look up at him but I could barely keep my eyes open. I completely submitted to him, letting him use me any way he wanted for his own pleasure.

I was his, after all.

“You’re so fucking good at that, you know… oh, fuck… so good...”

I replied with some muffled moans and he continued to fuck my throat, his dick somehow feeling more swollen than before.

I was so caught up in the moment that I suddenly realized that I definitely could not breathe. I let out a few more muffled moans, this time more urgent.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart… I’m close… I’m so fucking close-“ he groaned and growled as I felt his dick start to twitch. In almost an instant, he pulled my head back, releasing himself from me, leaving me gasping for air.

He grabbed his dick again as he came.

“FUCK-“
He held my head in place with his other hand, shooting his hot cum all over my face. My eyes closed tighter, but my panting mouth opened wider, effectively catching his spurts.

He whined and groaned with each jerking motion, each one leaving me more and more covered in his seed.

I felt the last drop, and slowly opened my eyes again. I peeked up at him, my cum covered tongue hanging out of my mouth. He looked down at me, his expression was dazed and adoring.

My face was dripping with his cum, running down the corners of my mouth, all over the front of me.

“Swallow…” he instructed, his eyelids getting heavy.

I obeyed, not looking away from him. I felt the sweet, salty slime run down my throat.

He grinned lazily, looking absolutely satisfied.

His tired body plopped down next to mine, and I fell onto my back, still trying to process the intense sensations.

“Sorry for making such a mess,” he said softly, still catching his breath.

He reached up to wipe the cum off my face, but he only smeared it around more. I grunted at the uncomfortable feeling, but I couldn’t help but laugh at his poor attempt.

“It’s okay, Jax… thanks anyways,” I whispered with a smile, using my shirt to wipe it off instead.

####
####

We laid next to each other for a few moments as we slowly sunk back into reality, but that aching yearning I felt for him was still painfully burning inside of me.

He reached over and pulled me into his arms once again. It’s like he could read my mind.

“See, I told you that you were cuddly,” I teased.

“Shut up,” he grunted.

But he held me tighter.

Chapter Text

Jax’s touch truly had a way of clearing my mind, but as I came down from the intensity of the passion we shared, I could feel the dreadful thoughts start to flood back. They were undoubtedly, and unfortunately, my default. I began to understand why he was so unrelenting about trying to fuck me. He had to feel the same way. He told me that I was a release, a way for him to entertain himself, but the way he looks at me, how his voice softens when he speaks to me…

I turned over and pressed my face into his chest, letting out a sigh that sounded more pathetic than I wanted it to.

“What’s with the pouting?” I could tell he was smirking by the tone of his voice.

I groaned at him.

“Alright, don’t tell me then. See if I care.”

I snapped my head up to glare at him.

“Hah, you’re so adorable when you’re angry.”

“I’m not angry… I just…” I trailed off. I was so close to him physically, but there was still that torturous emotional gap between us. I knew I had made progress with him, but there was still so much about him that I didn’t know.

“Hey, I’m just messing with you, alright? Come on, tell me why you’re pouting.”

I laid back down, staring up at the ceiling.

“Jax. I really like you. But sometimes I feel like you’re just really… distant?”

“Distant? I’m right next to you, dummy.”

I scoffed. “Yeah.”

He was silent. He took my head, pulling it towards him and placing it on his chest again.

“Sometimes… I feel like I like you a whole lot more than you like me,” I admitted.

“Ha! Oh yeah? What makes you think that?”

“Well, I just…”

I wanted to spill out my feelings to him. I wanted to tell him how badly my heart ached for him. How safe he made me feel. How his mere presence had the power to make me feel like I’m floating.

That stupid, smug, charming asshole…
I was unmistakably falling for him.

“Jax, I…”

I couldn’t say it. The thought of making him uncomfortable put a lump in my throat. He just admitted that he likes me and cares about me. Who’s to say that he doesn’t just see me as a friend? What if he just sees this as a simple ‘friends with benefits’ relationship? I wouldn’t doubt it.

“Spit it out, will ya?”

I looked up at him again. My heart felt like it was on fire, painfully radiating through my body.

“I’m… falling for you?”
My tone was pitiful, sounding more like a nervous question than a confession. I immediately felt my pulse quicken.

His pupils constricted. His face had the most readable expression yet, but it wasn’t the emotion that I wished it would be.
It was one of true horror.

God, I was embarrassed. I closed my eyes and held my face in my hands, like I was trying to pretend I was somewhere else. Attempting, but failing to dissociate.

I wanted him to grab me again, pull me closer like he does. Caress my face, run his fingers down my back… anything that could show even a hint of reciprocation. But he didn’t.

Finally, he spoke. His typical, nonchalant cadence at the forefront once again.

“You wanna check out the circus’ bowling alley?”

Bowling?!

I just told him I was falling for him, and he completely disregards it.

Fucking typical.

“No. I don’t,” I grumbled into my hands. The aching I had for him was turning into less of a yearning, and more so into that of frustration.

“Will you quit being so dramatic? It’s really annoying.”

I slowly peeked up from my hands, giving him another glare, this time fueled by pure resentment.

I knew he was a dick, so why was I letting myself be so emotionally affected by his cold words? Did he not give a shit when I asked him not to hurt me anymore, or was that a request simply impossible for him to fulfill?

I watched as he got up and started walking towards the door.

“Come ooon. Let’s go,” he said, impatiently.

My irritation was burning. I was embarrassed, annoyed, and frankly, confused.

“Jax! What the fuck?! I just told you that I was falling for you and you’re completely disregarding me!” I could feel the lump in my throat swelling.

He flinched at my words.

“Alright, sheesh, I’m sorry. What do you want me to say?”

I wanted him to say it back. I wanted him to return my sentiment, confirming that the feelings I have for him are mutual.
But I knew he wouldn’t.

He noticed my despair and sighed, walking back over to me, like I was an inconvenience. He sat down on his mattress, looking down at me as if he had no idea what to do.

After a few moments of him gawking like an idiot, I felt his hand on my back. His touch was careful and wary.

“I’d like to go bowling with you because it’s something I haven’t done in a long time,” he said, his voice matching the unease of his hand.

My eyes narrowed at him, waiting for him to say something relevant.

“It’s something kinda… special to me, I guess.”

Where was he going with this? I had to admit my curiosity was slightly piqued.

He sighed again, now like he was annoyed at himself.

“Look, will you just quit your sulking and come with me?” he asked, more like a demand. But his hand still lay tender on my back.

He seemed like he genuinely wanted to experience bowling with me? His odd demeanor helped me believe that it truly was something special to him, and maybe this was his weird way of showing his affection. The frustration I felt eased, and I slowly stood up.

***************************

We didn’t speak as we made our way to the bowling alley.

I looked around as we walked in. It wasn’t anything fancy at all.

I was expecting Jax to be more excited about getting his way, but he still seemed uneasy.

“So can you explain why you brought me here?”

I looked up at him when he didn’t answer after a few seconds.

Why did he look so… sad?

His eyes shifted down at me, and he gave me a smile. The most forced smile I’d ever seen. His eyes remained devoid of happiness.

“Sweetheart…” he began.

His voice matched the melancholy in his eyes. I hated it. I hated seeing him like this. It made me uncomfortable. I suddenly wished he was back to his smug self, pissing me off with his relentless teasing. The aching in my chest was becoming agonizing.

“Jax… what’s wrong?!” I asked in a panic.

He chuckled, but even his laugh was broken and unnerving. Was he… trembling? Why is he acting like this?!

Oh.

He’s in pain.

It hit me. This man is hurting. I had been too caught up in my own dread. Too distracted by my own pain, my own anxiety. How could I have been so fucking selfish? I knew he was troubled, but I never even considered…

“Jax…”

I could feel tears welling up, but this time from pure sympathy. Something clearly happened to him and it was tearing him apart. I felt my heart breaking for him. Everything started making sense… he was just as distressed as I was. He just did a damn good job at hiding it.

His trembling intensified, turning into pure shuddering. But his smile, it grew bigger, straining to stay put on his face. I was starting to get freaked out.

“Jax! What’s going on?! What’s wrong?!”

He laughed again, and it sent chills down my spine. That wasn’t a laugh from happiness, or mischief, or anything that I’m used to hearing from him. It sounded desperate… maniacal.

“Fuck… you are just something else, aren’t you?!” He cried, his voice bursting with mania.

Was I witnessing him going insane?! He looked like he was on the brink of losing it, and it downright terrified me. I backed away from him.

“No, come back-“ he begged hysterically as he stumbled towards me. I swore I could see wetness build in his eyes, but his expression was still unhinged. Rabid.

I was stopped in my tracks as he caught up to me, grabbing me with so much force I almost lost my balance. I was motionless, trying to process what the hell was happening.

“Jax, you’re scaring me-“

His breath was shaking as he fell to his knees to better match my height, holding me with a grip that was painfully strong. As if I would disappear if he let go.

“Please don’t leave me here.”

His voice was overflowing with emotion, like every ounce of it that he had tucked away burst out of the wall he hid them behind. He begged for me.

“Please. Please…”

I shimmied my arms out of his grip, and put them around him, desperately trying to do anything I could do to comfort him. But, I was in shock. I couldn’t comprehend why this was suddenly happening, and I was too caught off guard to think much about it.

All I wanted to do in that moment was make sure he was okay.

I felt his heaving chest on mine, and I gently held the back of his head, forcing my shaking fingers to move, trying to transfer any ounce of comfort I could through my touch.

“Don’t leave…” he continued to plea, but I could tell his panic was slowly subsiding as I continued to run my fingers along him.

Finally, I snapped out of my initial shock, just cognizant enough to respond.

“It’s okay, Jax… I’m not going anywhere… I promised, remember?” I whispered, but found that my voice was shaking as well.

His fingers dug into me, passionate and possessive. He raised his head from my shoulder to look at me. The terror in his expression was significantly softened, but he still appeared frantic. His hands clumsily moved to my face, holding it, forcing me to look directly into his crazed, sad eyes.

His voice had no lack of desperation, and his words came from the darkest, most broken part of him.

“You mean everything to me.”

The agony that made itself so comfortable in my chest lifted. I never knew what I was looking for, or that I was looking for anything, but I found it.

I crashed myself into him, returning his desperate hold.

“Jax,” I replied, tears swelling in my eyes. “I’m never going to leave you. I promise.”

This time, I meant it.

Chapter Text

You can only harbor so much suffering until you break.

Every inkling of pain you’ve experienced, push it down. Every nightmare, every calamity, every tragedy. Keep it all locked away, and put on an act.

You’ll be fine!

Until you’re not.

**********************

— A FEW DAYS LATER —

“So you really took that long adjusting to this place?” I asked Ragatha.

We spent the last hour or so chatting about her experiences in the Digital Circus. I was genuinely curious, but I couldn’t help but to comb through everything she told me for some sort of hint of whats going on with Caine. Being in Ragatha’s company never failed to cheer me up though, and I really needed that. She was like a big sister, someone I could depend on, someone who I knew only had my best interest in mind.

“Oh, for sure. I was really lucky to have met such great friends here, though. They’ve really helped me get through it” she said, a glint of appreciation and hopefulness in her eye.

“Do you remember anything about your life before this? Or how you got here?”

“Well… there are a few things here and there that I remember. Also, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but it seems that whenever someone new enters the circus, they try to take off a ‘headset’ or something,” she explained. “Everyone always assumes they’re in a game, and then, almost as quickly as they arrive, they lose a lot of their memories.”

“A headset? Like… a virtual reality headset, or…?”

“That’s what I assume,” she shrugged.

Something in my mind suddenly clicked.

“Hey, Ragatha. Do you remember- before you came here- if you liked video games?”

She looked perplexed for a brief moment before she confidently answered. “Yeah. For sure. I liked cozy games. They always made me feel good, like an escape.”

An escape…?

**********************

I hadn’t seen Jax at all since the day we went to the bowling alley. Seeing him break down like that horrified me. I knew I was able to calm him down, but knowing him, he was probably just embarrassed about being so vulnerable in front of me. I really didn’t want to bother him, but I was starting to get incredibly worried.

I knew he didn’t abstract, at least. Caine had been thoughtful enough to let us know he’s just in his room, and I really tried to believe him. I spent time with everyone else to distract myself, but he only occupied my mind more and more. I missed him terribly, even if it had only been a few days.

It started to become painful. I felt empty without him.
Doesn’t he miss me too? Why hasn’t he tried to see me…?

I made my way to my room for the night, but I stopped when I walked past Jax’s door. I stepped closer, staring at his goofy, smiling portrait. I felt the corners of my mouth twitch into a grin, but the pain inside of me intensified. I loved seeing him happy like in his portrait, but knowing how much he was hurting was breaking my heart. I needed to see him, at least to check on him and make sure he’s okay. To make sure he knows that I’m here for him.

I kept staring at his door, but I couldn’t bring myself to knock. It was hopeless.

If he wanted to see me, he would have done so already.

I felt pathetic. Tears started to warm my eyes, but I held back. I was so sick of being such a crybaby all the time, but my emotions were agonizingly overwhelming. Every emotion I felt- the despair, the heartbreak, the fear… and the warm affection I felt towards Jax. Why did it all feel so amplified?! Everything here was digital. I knew that, even the sex was digital. But we can feel it, we can feel everything, every physical sensation. Our emotions, though… those were the only things here that were positively, 100% real. For everyone.

I was about to give up and head towards my room again, but I heard a voice approach me.

“Ah! There you are!”

I recognized Caine’s voice immediately. So theatrical and enthusiastic.

I turned around to look at him. To my surprise, he was standing there next to me instead of floating. I’m not sure why it threw me off guard as much as it did, but it made his demeanor a little more personal than usual.

“Don’t worry little darling, you’ll see Jax tomorrow. We are having a meeting and he has no choice but to attend!”

I knew how defeated and broken I must have looked, but there was no point in trying to hide it.

“Caine, are you sure he is okay in there?”

“Oh he will be just fine! Just one of his little temper tantrums, that’s all.”

“But he’s been in there for days now… I’m just worried.”

“No need to worry! Now quit working yourself up and get some rest- we have a big day tomorrow!”

I sighed. A ‘big day’ could mean anything coming from Caine.

“Caine, where is the void?”

I’m not sure what exactly possessed me to suddenly blurt out that question. It’s been on my mind since I heard about it, and deep down I hoped that maybe my forwardness would throw Caine off just enough to give me at least a hint.

He looked surprised. “The void?! No one is allowed to venture into the void, silly! I can’t tell you where it is!”

“Well why not?!” I asked, getting progressively more irritated.

Caine looked at the floor for a moment. “Well, I can’t tell you where it is because I’m not sure where it is either.”

How was that possible? He was basically a god when it came to this place.

He’s lying right to my face.

“That’s bullshit.”

He looked amused by my statement.

“Ah, but it isn’t! I… actually have no idea.”

Was he being serious?

I was nearly at a loss for words.

“Um…” I hesitated, trying to think of some way to ask him more without being suspicious. I’m not sure why I thought I could effectively challenge Caine. He could take away our freedom with a literal snap of his fingers. But I had to try.

“Pomni told me that she found the void, and you were able to pull her out quickly. What’s up with that, then?”

“Well… you see…” Caine began, but it seemed like he was trying to find the words.

“It seems that… you are all a little more human than I thought.”

What…?

“Ah, but you all will learn more at our meeting tomorrow! Farewell, now!” He said, vanishing away.

I heard a door open, and felt a hand yank me into the room.

“Jax!”

He closed the door, pulling me into him. He held onto me, my mind trying to process what the hell was happening. I was still thinking about what Caine just said, but I was happy, happy to see Jax, happy to feel his touch again. But I was also pissed off.

I struggled to try to get out of his grip, but he held on tighter.
“Jax, what the fuck?! Why have you just been hiding in your room?! I’ve been so worried, why haven’t you-“

“Ssshhh,” he said, putting his hand over my mouth. “Stop talking, sweetheart”

This wasn’t helping me feel any less irritated with him. I glared up at him until he released his hand from my mouth, and moved his hands to my waist.

“Sorry for leaving you hanging there, by the way. I just needed some time to myself, that’s all,” he said.

“Okay, that’s fine, but why didn’t you tell me?! I was really worried about you!”

“I told Caine to let you know I was fine. What’s the big deal?”

“Well, yeah, but….”

It was useless. He was so oblivious sometimes.

I sighed. “Jax… I’m just glad you’re okay. I missed you.”

He wrapped his arms around me again.

“I missed you too, I guess.”

I embraced his grip on me, and hugged him back.

“You, uh… didn’t tell anyone about what happened, did you?” He asked cautiously.

“No! I didn’t… I knew you wouldn’t want me to.”

“Okay, cool.”

“Yeah…”

He looked down at me, probably noticing the pain in my voice that was resurfacing.

“Youuu okay?” He asked. He sounded uncomfortable. I knew he really did care about how I felt, but it was obvious he was still awkward when it came to showing it.

I didn’t want to overwhelm him with my emotions. He was already recovering from his own mental breakdown, I didn’t want to make anything worse.

“I’m fine, Jax. Let’s just… stay like this for a while.” I pushed my forehead into his chest.

“Uh, alright,” he said. “You wanna… take this to the bed, or…?”

“Ugh, Jax. Not right now.”

“I don’t mean it like that! Just so that you’re, you know, more comfortable? Geez, sorry for caring about your well-being.”

I couldn’t help but to chuckle at his snark. It was so refreshing.

Suddenly, I felt Jax tense up. I tried looking up at him to see what was wrong, but he held my head in place.

“J-Jax- what’s wrong?!” I mumbled into his chest. I tried freeing myself but I was starting to accept that it was no use with him. He effortlessly held me there, not letting me move my head.

“Hey, just uh… stay there for a second. Please don’t turn around,” he said. He sounded nervous.

“Okay…?” He was scaring me all over again.

I stood there, staring at the ground and watched his feet as he walked away, headed behind me. My heart was pounding. What the hell could he possibly be doing?

I heard a sound. It sounded like…

A curtain closing.

“Jax? What are you doing?”

“Everything is fine, okay? I just had to…” he trailed off.

I spun my head around and saw him standing awkwardly next to the curtain that hung on his wall. My heart was racing from fear, but now it was aching from suspicion.

“Jax, what are you hiding from me?”

He could tell my voice was much more stern now.

“Nothing?”

“Why are you lying to me?”

“Can you just drop it?” He was getting irritated.

God he frustrated the hell out of me. But I knew not to pry with him.

I stood there, staring at the closed curtain. With everything we have been through, it hurt to know he was keeping things from me. He must have a damn good reason. He better.

“I heard you talking to Caine, by the way,” Jax said, obviously trying to change the subject. He made his way over to his mattress. My eyes followed him, and I looked around the rest of his room.

“Geez, Jax. It’s even more of a mess in here than before.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Now quit trying to change the subject.”

He’s one to talk.

“Jax, I think Caine really is losing control over us. You’re going to go to that meeting tomorrow, right? I’m sure he will tell us more-“

“He’s not gonna tell us anything of any value. Look, I’ve been thinking… ever since the other day. I know he’s losing control over us. That’s obvious,” he looked down at his hands, acting fidgety. “But I don’t think that means that we can escape. I think it just means that we will have the freedom to do more. You know, like with our bodies, just an example…”

“How could you know that?”

“I’ve been here a lot longer than you, sweetheart. How many times do I have to tell you there’s no way out? Besides, you promised me you weren’t leaving, so why even bring it up?”

“You’re the one that technically brought it up, Jax…”

He scoffed at me. “Anyways… I’m just saying. We will see what he has to say tomorrow, but I really don’t think that it’ll change anything. We’re here for good.”

I watched him as he continued to fidget with his hands.

“So do you think that he’s still going to try to reverse our freedoms or whatever?” I asked.

“Not if I can help it,” Jax said, looking up at me again. “Look. I’m… figuring it out, okay? Just don’t worry about it.”

“Alright then…”

I walked over to him and crawled onto his bed, sprawling out next to him. No matter what was going on, being with him again made my heart feel full.

“Can I stay the night, please?” I asked softly, verging on a whimper.

“Yeah,” he replied quietly, without hesitation.

**************************

He fell asleep rather quickly. I was honestly surprised he didn’t try to be more handsy with me, but he snuggled right up next to me nonetheless. I was the big spoon for once, like he was the one seeking comfort in my arms.

I couldn’t sleep. There was too much on my mind. My eyes wandered over to the curtain.

I could get up right now without him knowing and look. Just a quick peek…

I moved away from Jax slowly, stopping every few seconds to make sure he was still asleep. I felt guilty trying to do something he obviously didn’t want me to see, but it was driving me crazy. Why’s he have to hide anything from me, anyways?

I scooted little by little, until I reached the edge of his mattress. I put one foot on the ground, and gently swung my other leg over. I heard him grunt, and I held my breath. I turned my neck to peek at him. Still fast asleep. I exhaled as I slowly stood up, and started walking towards the curtain. I watched over my shoulder to make sure he was still passed out.

I reached my hand out, feeling the velvet fabric of the curtain. My pulse quickened through my body from the anticipation, and from the feeling like I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing.

I slowly started pulling back the curtain.

A door…?

I froze when I heard his voice,

“What the fuck are you doing?!”

Chapter Text

I felt his hand grab my wrist.

God dammit.

“Jax, I’m so sorry, I just-“

“What makes you think you can snoop around like that?!” He growled, squinting his eyes at me in the dark. He looked absolutely pissed.

“I didn’t mean to invade your privacy or anything, this curtain thing was just really weird and I didn’t like that you were keeping things from me…”

His grip on my wrist loosened.

He sighed. “You really wanna know what this is all about?”

I was surprised he even asked.

“Well… yeah, I do.”

“Well, that’s too bad. Come on, we’re sleeping in your room tonight,” he grumbled, starting to walk towards his bedroom door.

“Ugh, Jax, come on. I’m sorry, okay? I just don’t know why you’re keeping this such a secret, you know you can trust me.”

He stopped and turned around to look at me, rubbing his sleepy eyes. He was oddly quiet.

“Okay, well if you won’t tell me what this door is about, then will you at least tell me about the other day? You know, at the bowling alley…?”

“God, can we just go back to bed?! Come on.”

He proceeded to walk out of his room.

Ugh.

Naturally, I followed him.

He walked into my room and made himself at home, like always. He fell down onto my bed, wrapping himself in my blankets, hiding his face.

“Jax, are you pouting right now?”

“Shut up.”

I rolled my eyes. “Alright, Mr. Moody. Get some sleep.”

I laid next to him.

“Uhh, Jax? Would you mind sharing the blankets?”

He threw the blanket on me, still curled up, facing away from me.

I let out an exaggerated sigh.

“Go to sleep,” he snapped.

I knew at this point not to push him. I laid back, closing my eyes, feeling him breathing next to me.

If I couldn’t sleep before, I definitely couldn’t now. Not that any of us really needed sleep, it just felt nice to relax and get away from everything for a while sometimes. But, I completely succumbed to my racing thoughts, something that I’ve been doing great with avoiding, but right now I couldn’t help it.

‘He’s obviously pissed at me… yet he still wants to sleep next to me. God I missed him. He’s so freaking cute. But so annoying. Ugh. What the hell was that door about? Is he ever going to tell me about Kaufmo? Is he falling for me, too? What’s going on with Caine and the meeting? Is there really no way out of here…?’

Shit. Stop, stop, stop.

I flipped over onto my stomach and buried my face into my pillow. The chaos in my mind wouldn’t stop. The more I tried to block out the thoughts, the more conscious of them I became.

Why am I here… is this even real?

I looked over at Jax.

Is he even real? Oh, fuck…

My breathing quickened. I felt like I wanted to rip my hair out.

What is he hiding from me… is everyone here out to get me? What’s happening… what’s happening… I need to get out of here… fuck!

I lifted up my head and gasped. I felt lightheaded, and immediately grabbed Jax.

“Jax… help me. Help me,” I pleaded, not focused on being quiet anymore. I shook him awake.

He turned around to look at me, annoyed that I woke him up. But when he noticed the sheer panic that was consuming me, his eyes shot wide open.

“Wha…? What’s wrong?!” He stammered, fumbling around to wrap his arm around me, his other hand cupping my head.

“I’m scared… I’m so scared, Jax.”

“Quit freaking out, will ya? You’re fine. Everything’s fine, alright?” His voice sounded harsh, but his fingers ran so tenderly through my hair.

My painful heart was racing, but his touch was slowly calming me.

“Jax…” I couldn’t speak anything but his name.

“Seriously, calm down, okay? Do you need me to stay up with you?”

I tried to catch my breath, my head still dizzy from hyperventilating.

“…Yes,” I whined. I felt pathetic and needy, but I didn’t care. I needed him.

“Such a baby,” he teased, leaning down until he was just inches from my face.

“Sorry… I’m sorry I invaded your privacy. I’m sorry for being so-“

He leaned down even more, planting the softest peck on my trembling lips.

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “Just mind your own business, alright?”

I reached my neck up, wanting more of him.

We laid there, our lips dancing so passionately. But it wasn’t like making out, it didn’t come from a place of lust. It came from deep inside, a pure display of care and affection.

He was trying to make me feel better…

My eyes searched his as he leaned away. He looked back into mine, showing that rare expression of adoration.

“My little crybaby,” he purred, continuing to stroke my head.

The panic inside of me completely washed away. He was my shelter. My salvation, my sanctuary.

“Jax, I…”

I stopped myself, but his anticipating expression pushed me to continue.

“You are real… right?”

He smirked at my words.

“Am I real? I mean, I’m not sure how real our bodies and everything are and all that, but… I mean, I’m definitely real. You know, like my mind and stuff.”

I smirked back. It was charming how lackluster he was at expressing himself, but he was doing so much better than when we first met.

His smile had so much power over me, it was intoxicating. Captivating. It made my heart flutter. Being with him like this… I couldn’t imagine anything more divine. He mesmerized me, I felt utterly complete.

The pain in my chest lifted, but was replaced with a different kind of ache. The type of ache only he could give me. A surreal burning that came from a place of desire, of serenity, of…

Love.

“Jax…”

I held his face in my hand. His hypnotic gaze pierced through me, pulling me in, imprisoning my soul. I was breathless all over again.

He leaned his face into my hand. “Yeah?”

Is he feeling the same thing as me?

I thought back to when I told him I was falling for him. Was he really so uncomfortable with that? I didn’t want to send him into another panic attack or anything, I’ve already put him through enough lately.

“Thank you for being here for me,” I whispered.

He pressed his forehead against mine.

“I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me, babe,” he grinned. “Just no more snooping, okay?”

**********************

The next day came, and I slowly opened my eyes, immediately fixed on the starry ceiling above me. I felt surprisingly good, considering the long night I had.

“Morning, loser.”

My eyes flickered over to Jax, lounging next to me, already wide awake.

“Hah… morning…” I replied, my voice still groggy.

“Get up soon, we gotta go to that dumb meeting with Caine,” he said, sitting up.

“But I wanna stay here and cuuuddle,” I whined playfully.

He sneered at my request.

“Alright then, I’ll meet ya there.”

“Okay, okay, I’m getting up.”

He eyed me down as I stood up, extending into a long stretch.

“You’re really cute,” he said.

Uh… did I hear him right?

“What’s with the sudden compliment?” I asked, feeling my face blush.

“What, I can’t compliment my girlfriend?”

My face went from blushing to absolutely flustered.

“Ah- what?!”

“Hah, just messing with you. You’re hilarious when you’re embarrassed.”

Girlfriend…? Did he really mean that?

I glared at him in suspicion, “Come on, Jax… let’s go to the meeting.”

He grabbed my waist as I started walking towards the door, stopping me.

“Hey. No mental breakdowns today, okay? I’m getting real sick and tired of seeing you all freaked out all the time,” he said with a cheeky smirk.

“Mhm.”

He grinned at my annoyed response, and grabbed my hand as we walked out.

I peeked over at him as we walked hand in hand. He looked proud, but a different kind of proud. He still had that cocky strut, but he seemed less arrogant than usual.

We approached the others, and I felt a twinge of disappointment as I felt him release my hand before they noticed us.

“Hey, Jax. Finished having your temper tantrum?” Sneered Pomni.

“Are you finished being a bitch?” He replied. His smug smirk still graced his face, but I could tell he was irritated. Pomni just rolled her eyes.

I cringed at his harsh words. He’s been opening up to me so much lately, I almost forgot how much of an absolute asshole he actually was. But I had to admit, I felt special knowing that he was so nice to me. Well, nice might be a generous word, but… I knew he at least cared about my feelings. That was something.

“Jax.” I looked at him with furrowed brows, silently scolding him.

He raised an eyebrow at me. “What?”

“Jax, is everything okay? We were just worried about why we haven’t seen you in a few days,” Ragatha said, sheepishly. I admired that she still cared about Jax, even though he was such a prick to her.

“Why is everyone here so goddamn nosy?! I’m literally fine,” he snapped back.

“So, when’s that meeting?” I said, quickly trying to redirect the tension.

“Uh, Caine should be here any minute now!” Ragatha said.

I looked over at Jax. He stood there with his arms crossed, looking completely unamused. I moved closer to him, but he didn’t acknowledge me.

Caine appeared, and the meeting commenced.

He had that same nervous demeanor he did the other day, and it immediately made me uneasy.

“So, thanks for joining, everyone.” Caine’s voice was eerily calm, slightly troubled. I was so used to him being excitable, so this was weird. I could tell everyone else felt a bit uncomfortable as well. Except for Jax, who still looked like he would rather be anywhere else. The only hint of emotion coming from him was annoyance, but I wondered if he was secretly as unsettled as everyone else.

“I know we haven’t gone on many adventures lately, I do apologize for that!” Caine continued. “To tell you the truth, it’s been a little difficult for me to come up with new ideas. Things have been a little funny lately!”

“Where the hell are you going with this?” Zooble grumbled. They looked almost as unamused as Jax.

“It seems that with each new human that enters this realm, your codes are becoming more and more… interesting!”

What the hell is he talking about…? Oh God, is this about me?

I thought about Pomni, and what she told me about finding the void. She was the most recent one who came here before me. Is her code different too?

“Without pointing any fingers, it seems that some of you are making things a bit harder for me here. So, there’s going to be a few changes!”

I peeked over at Jax again. His unamused expression looked a bit more curious.

“You all know about the void, right? Well, it seems that the location of the void is… unknown to me! Which is just a little bit concerning, heh… so, anyways, I have a new adventure for you all. But this one is going to be different, and it’s going to last a few days,” Caine said.

“Okay, well what is it?” Jax asked impatiently.

“Your mission… is to find the void!”

What…?

“Uhh, Caine? Are you sure? I thought we weren’t allowed in the void…” Pomni questioned.

“Ah, little Pomni. No worries, you won’t go inside of the void! You’re just tasked with finding it. Nothing bad will happen!”

“Um, okay…” Pomni seemed nervous.

“Oh, and one more thing,” Caine continued. “You all have a lot more freedom than usual. I’m not sure if I can fix it, but please use it wisely. Now, go on! Enjoy this new adventure!”
He spun up in the air, disappearing.

I was speechless.

“What does this mean…?” Gangle whined. “I don’t really like the sound of this…”

“Oh, suck it up,” said Jax.

He started walking away, and looked back when he realized everyone was still frozen.

I looked around, and everyone had the same freaked out expression as I probably did.

“Are you guys coming or not?! Let’s go,” Jax demanded.

“Uh, well, where are we going…?” I asked.

He shot me an annoyed glance. “To find the void, genius.”

“Okay, wait, guys. What was he talking about, when he said more freedom? What do you think that means?” Ragatha asked.

“Well, let’s go find out! Get a move on,” said Jax, turning around again to keep walking.

I snapped out of my nervous state when I saw Jax walking away, and ran to catch up to him.

“Jax, what’s happening?”

“How should I know?”

I sighed. “Well, do you think that finding the void is going to… you know, change anything?”

“Well, he’s obviously just using us again to find something that he misplaced. And we already know about our new found freedom, don’t we?” He pushed his elbow into me, giving me a smug grin. “I wonder what other stuff we can do now.”

“Why aren’t you more worried about this?! Things just seem really… weird,” I said.

He looked down at me as we walked, a confident grin across his face.

“I got it aaall under control, baby.”

Chapter Text

~ JAX’s POINT OF VIEW ~

As they wandered around looking for any potential leads, Jax eyed the observatory.

“Hey let’s make a pit stop,” he told her, grabbing her hand.

She didn’t resist, but didn’t seem like she had the patience for it either. He guided her in anyways.

Walking in, Jax eyed the seat that they sat in before. He thought back to the first time they kissed, right there in that spot. The way her touch had the power to completely unravel him. The feeling still made him sick, but in a weird, unfamiliar way.

He walked right over to the seat, leaning back and sighing.

“Everything okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, just takin’ a breather.”

He closed his eyes as he leaned his head back, not even noticing his arm finding its way around her shoulder, like on instinct. He sighed again, this time of contentment when he felt her lean against him.

Jax never thought he would let someone in as much as he’s allowed her. He still had that lingering nausea whenever he let himself think too much about it, but the feeling of being with her was too enthralling. Exhilarating, to the point of discomfort. How did she make him feel so good and so sick at the same time?

The pit in his stomach grew when he thought about her finding his door. It pissed him off to no end, but not just because she invaded his privacy. He couldn’t let her see that door. He should have known she would try to look, she’s just too curious. So nosy. He felt some guilt about keeping things from her, but he had to protect her. If he lost her, he would lose it.

“Jax, are you sure you’re okay?” She sensed how deep in thought he was.

He looked down at the top of her head, her face still leaning in the crook of his arm.

“Quit worrying about me, will ya? I told you, everything’s fine.”

‘Why am I lying to her…?’

“Well, I’m here for you. Okay?”

Her words only aggravated his nausea.

‘Why do I feel so fucking sick?!’

“Don’t you think we should keep looking?” She asked.

“No.”

She pulled her head away and looked at him. “What? Why not? Don’t you want to figure this out?”

“Remember when you first got here, and we thought your code was broken and was affecting mine?” He asked.

She was thrown off by the change in subject. “Uh, yeah? Why?”

“Well, that’s not what happened.”

“Yeah, didn’t we already figure that out? What are you getting at?”

He flicked his eyes down at her.
“I told you from the start that there’s nothing wrong with you. But you did sort of change me somehow.“

“What do you mean?”

“You made me feel like…“ his voice trembled as he spoke, his nausea intensifying. “…More human. More like my real self.”

He watched her cheeks flush, and his stomach kept turning. She didn’t say anything.

“Also, I’m sorry you had to see me act so pathetic the other day. I never break down like that. You just do something to me… it really pisses me off.” He leaned his head back again, closing his eyes, trying to control the aching in his stomach.
“You make me sick.”

“Jax, what?!”

He couldn’t help but to smirk at her reaction. She really was too cute when she got mad.

She looked at him, bewildered, trying to figure out what the hell he was trying to say.

“Haven’t you noticed everyone here has been acting weird? I mean, I guess you might not realize it because this is all you’ve known here, but I’ve never felt this… weird before. I’m feeling everything so deeply and it’s physically… fucking painful…” he exhaled, almost like a groan, as he held his stomach.

“Are you… feeling okay, Jax?”

He kept pushing through, trying to get his point across. “Look. The void isn’t the way out of here,” he said.

She lowered her brows at him. “How do you know? Pomni said-“

“I don’t care about what Pomni said. She’s been trying to find a way out of here since she got here, and I can promise you she’s probably just going to abstract because of it.”

“But Caine is losing so much control over us, this could finally be our chance to-“

“Will you stop talking about fucking leaving?! How many times do I have to tell you this until you get it through your head?! There is NO WAY OUT.”

She winced, and he immediately regretted raising his voice at her. But if she talked about leaving one more time, he felt like he would lose it.

The pain in his abdomen crept up into his chest.

“Jax, I promised I wouldn’t leave you, okay? I know you’re just worried about losing me, and trust me, I don’t want to lose you either. It’s just, with all this stuff going on…”
She trailed off, knowing that he wasn’t going to listen to what she had to say. He was far too stubborn.

“Look… you wanna know the truth?” Jax said, laser focused on his words to try to drown out the aching.

“The truth…?”

“Every time you go into the void, it makes you craaazier and crazier. Why do you think Pomni has been so weird lately?”

He felt her freeze as she took in his words.

“So if you keep looking for the void, all you’re doing is giving yourself a death sentence. It’ll pull you in, trick you into thinking you have a chance of freedom… but there’s no end to it. It’ll just keep enticing you, leaving you obsessed like a desperate idiot.”

She was silent for a few moments, trying to process his words.

“How do you know that…?” she asked, her voice sounding more nervous with each word.

“Just… trust me.”

“Do you know where the void is, Jax?” Her words sounded more like suspicion rather than curiosity.

Jax didn’t like her accusatory tone.

“The void is all around us, you understand? There are ways to enter it, but it never moves, it never disappears.”

Jax knew how confused she probably was, but he couldn’t keep up the charade any longer. If he kept letting her become obsessed with the void, he knew he would lose her.

Her mind rattled with more questions than ever before. She sat in silence again, trying to put the pieces together.

Jax went to pull her closer to him again, but the feeling of being close to her made him want to vomit.

“I think I’m gonna go lay down,” he said, immediately pushing her away again. He stood up, fumbling towards the exit of the observatory. He did not feel good. All of this emotion that’s been plaguing him was catching up, and it was beginning to prove it was too much to handle.

“Jax, seriously, are you okay?!” She shrieked, running after him.

“I’m… fine…” he seethed, but it was too obvious that he was struggling to keep his composure.

He kept making his way towards his room, his vision getting blurry as he walked. He was dizzy, the aching taking over his entire body, making him short of breath.

She grabbed his hand, making him stumble.

“Jax. You’re not well. You need help.”

“I’m… I’m fine…” he panted, beads of sweat running down his face.

But he succumbed, and everything went black.

_______________________

“I got even closer today, Jax. I can feel it,” said Kaufmo, watching his bowling ball roll down the lane, getting yet again another strike.

“You’re crazy,” Jax scoffed, standing up for his turn to throw.

“I’m telling you, I really think this could be our chance,” Kaufmo said, watching Jax position himself in front of the lane. “You know, I really think you should try it.”

Jax didn’t like that Kaufmo was always talking about the void lately. He always had a sense of protection over Jax, so the fact that he was encouraging him to go into the void was a bit unsettling. But Jax knew he wouldn’t abstract, at least. He trusted that Kaufmo wouldn’t leave him with all those other losers.

Jax watched his ball hit the pins. A split.

“Man, you’ve gotten a little rusty, haven’t you?” Kaufmo teased.

“Just a lot on my mind, I guess.”

Kaufmo didn’t pry, and Jax didn’t elaborate.

“Hey, Kauffy. Don’t forget we’re doing that dumb new theme song in a few days,” Jax said, desperately trying to talk about something else.

“I’ll be there, buddy.”

________________________

Jax opened his eyes, trying to adjust to the dim light around him, still in the purgatory of sleep and wake.

“Kaufmo…?” he heard himself whisper, still only half conscious.

He blinked a few times, slowly falling back into reality. As he tried to figure out where he was, he quickly lost memory of his dream.

“Jax… it’s me.”

Such a sweet voice.

He focused in on her face, looking at him with a mix of worry and tenderness.

“Sweetheart…” he whispered, not fully comprehending what he was saying, or thinking. He closed his heavy eyelids again, realizing that he was with her, and he was safe.

As his senses came back to him, he felt her hand on his face, stroking his cheek with such care and affection. He leaned into her hand, trying to soak up every ounce of solace from her touch.

“You kinda passed out there, ya know…” she spoke with a smirk, a sense of relief as she realized he was okay.

The slight embarrassment helped him become more aware of what was going on. He opened his eyes again, his gaze much more present. He realized that he was in her room, on her bed next to her.

“This is your fault,” he whispered, moving closer to her.

Her hand stopped. “What…?”

Jax reached his arms around her and pulled her into him.

The sickness that had overpowered him was fully in his chest. He couldn’t understand what it was, or what it meant. It made its way further up yet, into his throat. He swallowed, trying to rid himself of it, but it was no use. He inhaled her scent, letting himself completely submit to her company. He felt like he was right where he belonged.

As pained as he felt, he suddenly realized it wasn’t necessarily a bad feeling. It was just intense. Intense and real. A new feeling that he didn’t recognize, terrifying yet divine. He drew in a sharp inhale as it hit him.

He loved her.

He loved her with more passion than he thought possible. He was complete with her, the one and only person that could make him feel his human emotions so deeply. He was in love with every ounce of her being, and probably was for longer than he realized.

He felt everything inside of him crumble. All the walls that protected him were destroyed, and he was completely unguarded. Now, all he wanted to do was protect her.

“No…” he whimpered, nuzzling his face into her neck.

“Everything’s okay,” she whispered into his ear, holding his head as he pushed it into her further.

The disappointment Jax felt in himself was unmatched. He was extremely conflicted. He found her, the one person that he knew he couldn’t be without. Like a missing piece he never thought he would find. But he didn’t want to love her, just the thought of it filled him with dread. Regardless, he felt the nausea vanish.

He had no idea how to express his feelings to her, though. He had been directing his affection into the form of sex. That’s what was easy.

“You’re so pathetic,” he said, his voice muffled into her neck, his mask struggling to stay up. “Such a… failure.”

He spoke to her, but knew covertly these words were directed at himself. With how obviously troubled he looked, she had a hunch that it wasn’t about her as well.

She stayed silent, letting him work through his feelings. She knew that all he needed from her was to be there, to hold him, allow him to settle into her. She didn’t want to pry, she just wanted to be there for him.

“Why don’t we just get some sleep, okay?” She said, in the most reassuring tone she could muster through her own anxiety.

He held onto her as if for dear life. He wanted to sleep, but couldn’t rid his mind of the torment. It was nearly impossible for him to determine if this feeling felt good or bad. On one hand, being with her was ethereal, hypnotizing, exquisite. But it was also horrifying.

“Uhhh… Jax?”

His ear twitched at her words.

“Hm?”

He immediately realized that he was completely hard, his length effectively poking her directly in the thigh.

He felt his face heat up. He wondered how he didn’t notice, but it began to make sense considering the apparent correlation between his feelings for her and the urge to express it in that way.

He knew the feeling of being inside of her completely wiped away his dread. He was immediately eager to act on it.

He reached for a kiss, and she instantly reciprocated. As she felt his hands move down her waist, she leaned away.

“Jax, do you think this is a good time…? Are you sure you feel okay?”

He impatiently grabbed her face.

“Please. Just… let me do this.”

He wanted to plead. He desperately needed a distraction, but most of all, he wanted to show her how much he loved her in the way that he knew how.

He brought her face closer to his as he spoke, his tone low and sultry.
“I’m going to make you feel better than you ever have.”

Chapter Text

“Jax, are you sure…?”

He held onto me vehemently, pushing his face into my neck, showering it with wet kisses and gentle nips.

I wasn’t sure why he was acting so strange, but it seemed like he was just really horny for me. He grabbed my thighs, pulling me closer. His grip was so tight it was uncomfortable, his biting getting more intense.

I leaned my head back and exhaled at the feeling. It was undeniably enticing.

“Jax…”

I tried speaking but all that could come out was his name and some poorly stifled moans.

“Please… let me fuck you, right now. I need it so bad,” he groaned.

He was begging me at this point. This couldn’t be healthy, there was obviously something bothering him. But he was making it increasingly clear that he wasn’t going to let up.

####
####

I grabbed the back of his head, pushing it into my neck, gasping at the feeling of his tongue and teeth. He took this as admittance, and immediately moved his hands to my inner thighs, clumsily finding their way up my skirt. He found my pussy, already trembling and dripping for him.

“Oh, you are so ready for me, aren’t you? I know you want this as bad as me…” he growled into my neck. His finger didn’t hesitate to shove itself in, making me whine with pain as it rapidly stretched around him.

“Jax-“

He slid it out gently, then adding another finger to ram in. My eyes watered at the feeling, but it was good. So good.

He didn’t thrust his fingers for long until he started losing patience. He ripped out his fingers and flipped me over onto my stomach. I felt my back arch by instinct, showing off my ass, welcoming him to have his way with me. I felt my juices drip out of my quivering cunt, running down my thighs.

I expected him to just immediately start fucking me. But instead, he leaned down. I felt his hot breath on my pussy, not long before his face dove right in.

His tongue worked wonders, flicking my clit and lapping everywhere around it. His mouth added sharp sucking here and there, with no rhyme or reason. He was so sloppy, so eager to frantically taste every drop.

He took a breath, and put his tongue at my clit, carefully moving his head up to glide his tongue up through my folds. He kept going, letting it glide right over my asshole. I heard myself let out a sharp squeal at the new, unexpected feeling. I was immediately receptive, finding myself pushing my ass onto his mouth, silently asking for more.

He shamelessly twirled his tongue around my rim, but stopped much sooner than I wanted. He leaned back again and pulled down his clothes, positioning himself between my legs. His tongue felt incredible, but I wanted his dick even more.

I felt the tip of his hard cock rub against my ass. It slid between my cheeks, gliding across my pussy to use its juice as lubricant.

He held onto my hip with one hand, and held his throbbing cock with the other, pushing it against the opening of my pussy. I braced myself, expecting him to shove himself into me, but he hesitated.

Instead, I felt the tip of his dick move to the entrance of my asshole. He pushed, as if trying to gauge the tightness.

My ears shot up. “Uh, Jax-“

“Is this okay?” He said, nearly teasing himself with my twitching hole. With how much be was already pushing against it, I was kinda surprised he was even asking for permission. It felt like he already made up his mind.

“Uh… just be gentle.”

I was only mildly disappointed when I felt his dick shove itself into my pussy instead, forcing a whiney grunt out of me. He only thrusted a few times before he completely pulled out again.

“Just needed a little more lube…” he said, bringing his dick back to my asshole. He was so uncharacteristically delicate as he began to push himself in, slowly stretching the rim of my ass around his swollen tip.

I shoved my face into my pillow, letting out muffled moans at the feeling. He pulled out his tip, seemingly frustrated at the fact that he was still having a hard time penetrating me fully. I heard him spit, feeling a new sense of warm wetness cover my ass, dripping down to join the juices that seeped from me.

I held onto the pillow, squeezing my eyes shut as I felt him try again. It felt like he was fighting between being slow and gentle and not letting his impatience take over.

He trembled as he pushed his dick into me again, this time getting a little further. I groaned, not being able to figure out if this was pain, bliss, or a dirty mix of both.

“Just relax, babe… I’ll make sure it doesn’t hurt,” he said, leaning down next to my ear. “Unless you want it to~”

My chest was heaving at the anticipation, and it took all my willpower to relax my muscles as much as I could.

He kept going, slowly pushing himself in, until his tip slid right past my tight rim, forcing an involuntary yelp out of me.

“Theeere we go…” Jax said as he stroked my hair in a comforting yet encouraging way, grabbing at the base of my ears as he kept pushing in.

He kept going, and when I thought he was all the way in, there was still more. I groaned, feeling my entire body combust with heat as his girth completely filled me up.

“Holy fuck…” he said, his voice full of shaky breaths. He gently pulled himself out, leaving the tip in as he spit again, this time on his dick, making it just slick enough to slide right back in.

My entire body went limp, every ounce of my energy focused on the feeling of his dick in my ass. He pulled out, shoved it back in, out, and in again, each time a bit more effortless.

My muffled groans got louder, less from the stinging and more from the pure pleasure.

“You like when I fuck your tight little asshole, don’t you?” he purred, and I could tell from his tone that he had a nasty smirk on his face.

“Mmpphhh…”
I was quite literally speechless.

He held onto my hips for leverage, letting himself vigorously thrust into my backside. He recognized how clearly I was enjoying it, and was soon enough absolutely plowing my ass unforgivingly. My fingers ached from gripping my pillow so hard, trying to balance keeping my ass up for him and relaxing myself enough for him to continue.

“God, you feel good…” his voice was becoming shakier, the pleasure radiating through him. “Almost as good as your pussy-“

My head shot up from the pillow as I gasped, realizing that I needed to take a breath. I couldn’t hold back my voice anymore.

“Jax… FUCK- Your dick feels so good, fuck my ass, yes, fuck my ass…!”

I writhed with pleasure, my head fuzzy from lust, as I let him completely ram me.

I yelled again when I felt an intense sting on my ass cheek, quickly processing that he just fucking spanked me.

“Keep it down, will ya?” He teased, swinging his hand to my ass again, this time with much more force. I pushed my face into my pillow again, hopelessly trying to muffle my screams.

“Good girl…” he purred.

He slapped my ass one more time, this time a bit more gentle as he kept his hand there, gripping the fat. I hadn’t realized that I was being fucked so hard into the bed that my ass wasn’t up anymore. He pulled my hips back up, forcing my back to arch once more.

His thrusts became quicker, and I could tell by his panting and growling that he was getting close. I quickly recognized I probably wouldn’t be able to cum with just anal alone, so I awkwardly reached my finger down to my clit.

He held me up as he kept fucking me, and I started working my clit. I rubbed tactlessly, finding a new, unusual pleasure in the combined feeling of stimulating myself while feeling his dick so deep in my ass.

I realized that I was about to reach my climax surprisingly quickly from it. I kept my face in the pillow to silence my involuntary shrieking.

I didn’t last long after that. I felt everything inside of me shatter with lust as I was overcome by my orgasm.

“Oh, GOD-“ this time he shrieked, immediately following my climax with his. I was startled by his sudden rise in volume, but I dazedly realized how much my asshole clenched around his dick when I came. It pushed him over the edge, and I felt him ram into me one more time, completely enveloped in me as he shot out his cum. He twitched and jerked, thoroughly filling my bowels with hot semen. 

He groaned, almost weeping as he let out every last drop, as I fell onto my stomach in exhaustion, bringing him down with me.

I felt him shake and convulse on top of me, riding out the last few waves of his orgasm, his grip still tight on my hips. I laid there and let him, as I painstakingly tried to catch my breath.

After a few more seconds, he promptly pulled himself out of me, his softening dick sliding out and flopping against the back of my thighs. The cum that filled me nearly poured out, making a complete mess all over the both of us.

####
####

After I became a bit more conscious and present, I found myself becoming increasingly embarrassed at what we just did. I turned to look at him as he now laid next to me, his eyes closed as his breathing became gradually more regulated.

I turned onto my back, feeling the aching inside of me. It was a good ache, just thinking about him defiling me like that made me hot again.

“Babe…” he whispered between breaths. His expression looked pained, like he just over exerted himself.

“Yeah…?”

He peeked his eyes open at me, and grinned when he saw my sheepish expression.

“That was fucking insane.”

I blushed at the assumed compliment.

“Don’t be embarrassed about it,” he said tenderly, bringing his hands to my face. He was becoming really good at reading me. He continued holding my face, gazing into my eyes. I gazed back, trying to figure out the expression he was giving me. He looked complacent, but just the tiniest bit… anxious? Nervous? His eyes flicked down, and back up again like he was suddenly struggling to maintain eye contact.

“Everything okay?” I asked.
I don’t know why I even bothered asking that, when I knew he would always respond with the same old “I’m fine.”

He forced out a nervous grin as he responded,
“I just really love-“
He hesitated.

“I really love… fucking you.”

I smirked at his words. “Mmm I love it too, Jax. You feel incred-“

“I REALLY love it,” he interrupted, as if he was more focused on his words than hearing mine. “I want to fuck you forever. I never want it to end. I love it. So much.”

I grinned at him, but something felt off. He was acting strange again. I mean, it was very clear he enjoyed having sex with me, but he was acting very oddly passionate about it. Maybe he just really likes anal?!

“I guess that was really good for you, huh? It was for me too…” I said, as I nuzzled against him. I felt awkward that I wasn’t exactly matching his intense energy about it, but he still seemed satisfied by my response.

“I love being inside of you. I love feeling you clench around me. I love your body. I love… I love it.” His tone was starting to unsettle me just a bit. The unnatural urgency in his voice just seemed really weird for him.

He did have a long day, and was probably just overcome with exhaustion.

“Jax, I love it too. So much. Hey, why don’t you get some sleep now, okay? You need it.” I said, trying to be as considerate as possible.

He closed his eyes again, leaning into me. He mumbled out a few more words, but they were completely unintelligible. His fatigue took over, and It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep.

I cuddled up closer to his sleeping body. He was so cute when he was asleep. So innocent and peaceful, such a stark difference from just a few minutes ago. I watched his chest slowly move up and down.

Such an arrogant bastard. A smug, devious rabbit. No, a person… a man. A human. Underneath his tough guy exterior, he was a person that had feelings, hopes, and dreams. A person who’s gone through terrible things, and found solace in me.

God. I love him.

Chapter Text

The next few days came and went, and were surprisingly uneventful considering the circumstances. Even so, I still couldn’t shake the impending sense of doom that kept creeping its way back, becoming more and more of a constant in my mind.

Jax had been spending every night in my room with me. I liked to think it was solely because he enjoyed it, but I knew part of it probably had to do with the fact that he wanted to keep me away from that weird door in his room.

I lounged in the common area, listening to the back and forth conversations between everyone. Jax wasn’t there, he was out doing God knows what. Probably planting some sort of annoying prank for someone to find later.

“So, you and Jax are like… a thing now?” Zooble asked, their voice sounding as unamused as ever.

I was aware that everyone knew about us, but it was never really officially disclosed or anything. Not that it needed to be. Besides, Jax made it clear that he didn’t really enjoy engaging in such public displays of affection.

“Um… I guess you could say that?” I said.

“Damn. I’m sorry,” Zooble responded, with a sense of genuine concern on top of their monotonous tone.

I knew that everyone thought he was a dick. I mean, he was. But they had no idea what he was really like when he was alone with me. It’s not like I would ever tell them that though, Jax would be pissed if they knew how soft he could be.

“Well I think it’s sweet!” Ragatha said, an encouraging look across her face. “I didn’t think Jax was capable of it, honestly.”

I smiled back at her, but my grin was quickly interrupted by the feeling of someone pushing me. It wasn’t too aggressive of a shove, but just enough to startle me. I snapped my head around to see Jax standing there, grinning at my sudden alertness.

“Sup?” He said, with a presumptuous grin.

“Awww… see, it’s like a schoolyard crush~ you tease her because you like her~” cooed Ragatha, endeared by his unconventional display of affection.

“Shut up, dollface, or you’ll be next. And I won’t be nice about it,” Jax snapped back at her.

Ragatha was still beaming with excitement.

I couldn’t hold back a giggle. I knew he was just mad because she was right. At this point, I knew how much he liked me, and I knew that was why he enjoyed pushing my buttons so much.

“Wipe that dumb grin off your dumb face,” he said to me, his face progressively turning more and more red.

After spending so much time with him, his “insults” didn’t bother me. In fact, I thought it was kind of fun. Plus, I couldn’t deny that it made for some real good dirty talk in the sheets.

After seeing such a soft side of Jax, I started thinking that his bullying wasn’t just a way to distract himself. It was almost like it was a way to distract the others. I thought back on all the times I started feeling anxious, especially when I first got here. He always knew exactly how to snap me out of it. I remembered when we went to the carnival, when Pomni was clearly having an episode. Jax snapped her right out of it with his irritating high jinks. I’m not sure if he even realized what he was doing. For all I know, he might just genuinely enjoy getting under peoples skin for his own amusement.

“Alright, enough with the flirting,” Pomni said. “I have something important I kinda wanna share…”

Everyone’s attention was immediately on Pomni. I assumed it had something to do with the void situation. Jax crossed his arms and frowned at her.

“So, I know there’s been some weird stuff happening…” she spoke cautiously, as if she didn’t want Caine to somehow hear her. “I uh… found this.”

She held the box in her hands.

“Is that… the one that you told me about?” I asked Jax.

“Obviously,” he mumbled.

Everyone surrounded Pomni, taking a look at the box that she held. She looked behind her shoulder, opening the box.

“I think Caine has been trying to figure out our codes. I got ahold of it, and I found something kind of interesting,” she said. She spread out the papers in front of her.

“If we take a look at the older codes, like Kinger’s for example, see how short it is? Just a bunch of 0’s and 1’s…” she then pointed to another one, with her name at the top. “And this one’s mine… see how it’s almost double in length? And there’s different characters, like all these numbers and wing dings. And it looks like he has a bunch of things crossed off and re written.”

She then pointed to mine. “And hers… it’s an absolute mess. Sorry, but look!”

Almost a whole page full of numbers and symbols. At the very bottom of the page, a series of question marks written in red ink. None of this made any sense to me whatsoever, but comparing mine to Kinger’s was somewhat alarming.

I could feel my stomach twist.

And suddenly, everything went white.

………………………………

I was falling.

I couldn’t see, I couldn’t hear. I wasn’t even sure if I was conscious.

Just the feeling of falling.

Is this… just a weird dream?

The silence cracked with a familiar voice,

“Don’t worry”

But there was no voice. It wasn’t speaking my language. It was more of a feeling, enveloping me. But I knew what it was saying.

“Almost done”

I didn’t feel any fear. I couldn’t feel much of anything.

Everything slowed down, and I wasn’t sure if I was still falling. There was no up or down. I couldn’t feel my body. I didn’t have a body.

I didn’t exist.

I couldn’t see anything. It wasn’t white, it wasn’t black, it was just… nothing.

I could still feel the familiar voice calling out to me, but I couldn’t understand it anymore. It was fading away.

I couldn’t tell if it had been 20 seconds or 20 years.

Is this… the end?

Am I dead?

Nothingness. Everywhere.

Now, there was only one thing that I could think about. I tried to call his name, but I had no voice.

What was his name…?

The one thing that I needed. My source of comfort.

Who am I thinking of…?

Purple, yellow, pink.

What am I thinking about…?

The emptiness consumed me.

Everything was gone.

Nothingness.

Until all of my senses came back and hit me at once.

I heard a blood curdling scream as I looked around, trying to figure out where I was.

I realized the scream was from my own mouth.

I started recognizing my surroundings. I was in my room, and it was dark and still.

My breathing hitched.

Something was off. It didn’t feel right.

Everything held an even more eerie appearance, sort of like… it wasn’t fully rendered? Strange, flickering lights caught the corner of my eyes, but when I looked, they disappeared.

I felt faint, dizzy, and completely unattached.

But I felt… calm.

That familiar voice spoke again, but this time it was a real voice that I could hear.

“So very sorry if that scared you a bit! I’ve never actually had to do that before.”

I looked around, trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness. It was Caine, sitting next to me on my bed. His feet were dangling, and his… “face” held a slightly satisfied gaze.

“What… happened?” I squeaked out, still trying to break out of the dizziness that clouded me.

“Well, things were getting just a bit too… out of hand. So I reset a few things!”

It was hard to fully understand what he was saying. I laid down and closed my eyes, trying to manage the spinning in my mind.

“Give it a few minutes, and everything will be back to how they should be,” he said.

I started remembering the events leading up to this, one by one. Trying to piece everything together. I knew I was in the circus… I knew who Caine was, and I knew we were supposed to be looking for a way out, right?

The jester. Pomni. Oh yeah, that’s right! We were supposed to be finding a way out of here. Oh, did Caine try to stop us?

“Where is everyone else?” I asked. I looked around again, and things started looking a bit more normal.

“I checked on them already, and they’re doing fine! Just a little shaken up at first, but I’m sure everything will be okay now. Go on, you can go speak with them as we prepare for our next adventure!”

“Oh, an adventure? What are we doing this time?” I asked, as I stood up, following him out the door.

“It’s going to be a good one! I’m sending you all over to the digital lake, where you will partake in some digital fishing, and some digital swimming!”

“Oh! Okay, that sounds fun, I guess.”

We approached the others, and seeing their faces felt refreshing.

“Hey there! Ready for our next adventure?” the ragdoll said.

Ragatha.

It was all coming back to me.
And there’s Pomni. And Gangle, Zooble, and… Kinger. Oh, and there’s Jax.

“I know you all just experienced something strange, but not to worry! Everything is back to normal!,” Caine said. He gestured to me. “She took the longest to reset, so give her a little time as she readjusts.”

“Wait, what did you reset…?” I asked him.

“Just a few things to help you feel better! Nothing bad at all!” Caine said. “Now, are we ready for the digital lake?”

Huh. I actually do feel better. I could go for some fishing.

“You guys have fun,” Zooble said in their signature subdued tone as they walked away.

Everything seemed pretty normal, until I looked over at Jax. He was staring right at me. His brows were furrowed, and he was frowning. He looked pissed off, but also… confused? Like he was trying to figure something out.

What the hell is his problem…?

With a snap of Caine’s fingers, a portal to the digital lake opened up.

I began to walk towards it when I felt a pair of hands aggressively grip my shoulders.

“What the f#&$?” I said as I turned around.

It was Jax. Why did he look so terrified…?

He held onto my shoulders, his eyes widening as he stared into mine.

“What happened the first time we were in the observatory together?” he asked frantically. His tone was freaking me out.

“Jax, what are you talking about?” I shook out of his grip. “Quit touching me.”

He kept staring at me, absolutely dumbfounded. His arms hung helplessly.

“Do you remember? Do you remember?!”

“Jax, what is your deal?!”

“Do you remember the night we were in my room?”

His room…? What the…

“Jax, we both know I’ve never been in your room before. Can you stop being weird and leave me alone?”

“CAINE,” he yelled,

“WHAT THE F%&@ DID YOU DO TO HER?!”

“Jax! Calm down now, there’s no reason to be alarmed,” Caine said. “Now, go enjoy the adventure!”

Jax lunged towards Caine, with an absolutely feral expression.

“Oh my God, Jax, what are you doing?!” Ragatha shrieked.

I stood there frozen, watching Jax reach for him, flailing and growling like a rabid animal as he threw wild kicks and punches. Caine easily dodged his attempts.

”DOESN’T ANYONE REMEMBER?” Jax continued wailing, looking around at us as his thrashing became less violent and more desperate. 

“Now, now! No need to be upset, Jax!” Caine said, “Oh, shoot. I don’t think I reset you enough, did I?” Caine seemed genuinely perplexed.

“YOU MOTHERF%#$@&! YOU WON’T EVEN LET US SWEAR ANYMORE, EITHER?!” His anger was turning into sheer panic. I looked at the others, who looked just as bewildered as I did.

“GIVE HER BACK HER F@#&$%# MEMORIES,” he continued to thrash around, screaming.

And in an instant, he and Caine were gone.

…

“Uh… let’s go to the lake now…” said Pomni, eyes wide as she headed towards the portal.

I followed, but Jax’s words echoed in my mind.

My memories…? Of what?

Chapter Text

“Hey Pomni, what’s going on with Jax?!” I asked as we approached the lake.

“I’m not sure… it’s worrying me. I’ve never seen him so distraught before. I know Caine reset our codes, but now I’m starting to wonder what else was affected,” she said, as we made our way down the pier.

I was getting incredibly freaked out. I liked Jax, he was my friend. Yeah, he can be a prick, but I felt a soft spot for him. I remember spending time with him and him teasing me. What the hell was I missing?! His violent behavior was downright concerning.

Whatever. All I could really think about right now was getting out of here.

“Pomni, we were still looking for a way out, right?”

She held a blank expression as she peered into the water. “Yeah. I’m not giving up. I know there’s an exit.”

“I’ll work with you, okay? We’ll make it out of here.”

I was adamant. As much as I enjoyed the relationships I’ve formed with my friends here, I knew that this wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

I felt an aggressive poke on my shoulder. I turned around to see Jax standing there, looking much more calm than he did a few minutes ago.

“Hey. Come with me,” he said.

I stood up and faced him. “What? Why?”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me with him, dragging my feet on the ground.

“Jax, what’s going on?! Is everything okay?”

“No.”

He led me to the other side of the lake, and sat me down.

“Caine reset some of your memories. He tried to do the same with me, but it didn’t work. He doesn’t know why, I don’t know why, but that doesn’t matter,”

“What did he make me forget…?”

He looked absolutely defeated by my question.
Pomni was right, I don’t think he’s ever shown this much emotion towards us before. It was making me uneasy.

His hand found mine again, and he held on. Gently this time.

I could feel myself blush at his sudden forwardness.

“Uh… Jax?”

“When we get back to the circus, I need to show you something. So just come right to my room, okay? I’ll be there.”

“Oh. Okay…?”

I was incredibly confused, and my dreadful suspicion of what Caine pulled was growing.

We continued to sit there in silence, his hand still holding mine. The feeling was nice, honestly. No matter how much of a dick he could be, he was a good friend.

*********************

After we returned to the circus, I headed right to Jax’s room like he asked.

I knocked on his door, and waited.

He slowly opened it up, and stared down at me.

“Alright, come on,” he said.

I walked in, and looked around.

“Geez, Jax. It’s kind of a mess in here.”

He groaned.

“Oh, sorry… I’ll help you clean if you want?”

He didn’t acknowledge that. Without words, he grabbed my hand again, and led me to a strange curtain hanging on his wall. I was getting nervous.

“Uh, what are you doing…?”

He pulled back the curtain.

A door…?

“What is this?” I asked, beginning to get frustrated at his lack of an explanation.

He held my shoulders, facing me towards him. The look he gave me… he looked devastated. My heart began to race.

“Jax, what’s going on?!”

He opened the door behind me, as he still held me with one hand to face him.

I tried to turn my neck around, but he yanked me away from looking.

“What are you doing?! Talk to me!”

He didn’t speak. He leaned down and planted a gentle kiss on my forehead.

“Woah, Jax, what the-“

But before I knew it, I wasn’t in his room anymore.

He pushed me.

My eyes didn’t move from his. He looked pissed off, but also on the verge of tears. I watched as his face got further and further away.

He closed the door, and it disappeared.

No…

Everything around me was white, with odd geometric shapes flying past me. I tried to look around, but it seemed to go on forever.

I was being pulled towards something.

I maneuvered myself to turn around, towards the presence that was pulling me.

Oh my God.

This is the void, isn’t it?

Jax… why?!

_____________________________

~ JAX’S POINT OF VIEW ~

Jax’s heart shattered at her words and the terrified look on her face. He watched her fly further away from him, but couldn’t bear it. He closed the door and leaned on it, his face in his hands.

“Why? Why did Caine do this?! Why is he taking away the one thing in this hellhole that makes me feel something?!” his mind was being tormented by questions. The pain overflowed throughout him.

“Oh.”
It hit him.

“Caine doesn’t want us to feel these things… He doesn’t want us to get attached to people like that, because he knows they’ll just abstract eventually. It’s inevitable. It will happen to all of us.”

He fell to the ground and sat there, staring at the door in his room. He didn’t want to push her in, but it’s the only thing he could think of that might possibly trigger some sort of memories for her. He knew Caine would just to pull her out and she would be fine, but…

Maybe the only way to really fix this is to make her abstract.

He would let her become obsessed with an exit. Encourage it, even. Keep pushing her into the void, and make her go crazy. Just like Kaufmo.

He couldn’t tolerate being around her if she’s not capable of loving him. Just the thought of it was agonizing. She was better off gone and forgotten.

“Or maybe… if I made myself abstract… I’m sure she would be sad, but… she doesn’t love me. She would get over it eventually.”

He hung his head between his knees. He didn’t know what to do, but he was selfish. He either wanted her forever, or not at all. But was ‘forever’ even possible here…? The pain was becoming unbearable just thinking about it.

“This is why. This is why getting close to her was a stupid idea. I’m such an idiot for letting this happen…”

He felt his walls build back up again.

Somehow, Caine still didn’t know about the entrance to the void that Jax had in his room. It was already there when Jax first arrived, and he never told anyone about it. He wondered if his room was some sort of weird “in between” area, like a rift. And maybe that had something to do with his code not being able to reset.

He had never gone into the void himself, especially not after what happened with Kaufmo. But he hoped more than anything that having his sweetheart experience it might do something… something.

His mind jumped all over the place, trying to figure out the best option. He knew that she would return soon, maybe he could talk to her and egg on her exit obsession. But he loved her, he didn’t want her to have to go through abstraction.

“GOD F%#&@$% DAMN IT!”

He stood up and stormed towards his front door, barging into the hallway.

“CAINE!” he cried, his chest pounding with exasperation.

Caine happily blipped in front of him.

“How can I help you?” Caine asked eagerly.

Jax glared up at him, his hands formed into fists.

“Now, let’s not get violent again, Jax!”

Jax took a deep breath and gritted his teeth.

“Caine… I want you to try again. Please. Reset my memories. I don’t want them anymore.”

“Ah… Jax. Let me tell you something,” Caine said as he descended to his feet.

“You might be surprised to hear this, but… you are the most human of everyone here. Your code is beyond me. I thought it was her that was the problem, but… you are just something else!”

“What are you talking about?! Quit your BS and reset me. Please.”

Caine sighed. “Look, it may not seem like it, but… I only want what is best for everyone here! It’s my job to keep everyone in the best mindset as possible. And unfortunately for you, I think you might just be… well, already too close to abstraction.”

Jax laughed. “You’re a joke.”

Jax started to strut away, feeling his walls build up even more.

“F%#$ this. I’m going to go bully the s&!$ out of her until she abstracts.”

“Your friends are worried about your behavior, Jax. Why don’t I set you all up with an adventure I’m sure you’d love?”

“They’re not my friends. I hate all of them,” Jax grumbled.

Caine followed him as he marched down the hallway.

“I do apologize for the unfortunate events that have unfolded. I tried to prevent this very thing, but it was proving to be quite difficult,” Caine said, with a rare hint of genuine empathy in his tone.

“Just leave me alone, okay?”

“As you wish. I’ll let you know when it’s time for your next adventure! Oh, and by the way. It seems that your friend has found the void! I just pulled her out of it, and brought her to her room to cool down. She said you “helped” her find it, so thank you, Jax!”

Jax groaned.

“F&@% off,” he said.

Jax walked down to the common area, but stopped when he saw everyone hanging out. The last thing he wanted to do was interact with them. It was getting late, and this day had been rough.

He avoided everyone as he made his way over to the observatory instead.

He sat down with a sigh, and looked up at the sky. He watched as a shooting star flew by, with a few more following. A meteor shower.

He couldn’t help but to think about her. She would love to watch this right now.

“Ugh, stop thinking about her. She means nothing to you. Nothing. Nothing at all.”

He felt a lump in his throat and quickly swallowed it back down.

“No. I’m not letting myself feel these things again… I can’t.”

He pushed it down, as hard as he could. Just like he always had.

He closed his eyes, not only from mental exhaustion, but to hide the image of the sky.

“He said I’m close to abstracting. Hah, yeah right. Literally every other person here is too much of an anxious wuss for me to be the most ‘human.’ Such BS.”

Jax kicked himself for letting himself get so soft. That’s not who he was. He was tougher and smarter than anyone else here. He had just become intoxicated by her, and it made him crazy. He needed to replace the feelings he had for her with pure resentment.

“I wish she never came here. She ruined everything. I hate her. I hate her…”

He used the rest of his mental energy to desperately convince himself that she meant nothing to him. He had to. He had to protect himself. He had to.

“Hey, Jax?”

He heard a soft voice behind him, and he shot his head around to look.

It was Ragatha.

“What do you want?” he sneered.

“I just wanted to check on you, ya know? We were all kinda worried so I just thought I would offer an ear!”

Jax rolled his eyes.

“Why don’t you mind your own business for once?”

Ragatha sat down next to him. He crossed his arms in contempt and shifted away from her.

“I just don’t want to see you… ya know, go crazy?” she said.

“Oh, yeah? That’s rich, I would’ve thought you’d just love to see that,” he scoffed.

“No. I can tell how much you care about her, you know…”

He felt his heart pang at the mention of her, and quickly shoved it down.

“You sound like an idiot,” he said.

“I just don’t think you’d be getting so defensive if I wasn’t right. It’s okay to have friends, Jax. So, um… did Caine do something to her that you’re upset about?”

Ragatha’s words confirmed to Jax that no one else remembered their relationship, either. He felt hopeless.

But he pushed it down. He pushed it down just enough to muster out a smirk.

“Listen, dollface… I appreciate your concern, but everything’s fine. Now, why don’t you go find me something to eat, okay?”

She shot him a glare.

“I don’t believe you. Why is it so hard for you to open up?”

He hating hearing that. Hated it. It sounded just like the conversation he had with…

“I’m giving up,” Jax spitted out. He immediately regretted the word vomit.

“Jax… give up? You don’t mean…”

“I’m done with this place. It’s getting way too boring. We can’t even swear anymore, you notice that?! I’m just done. Might as well start planning my dumb funeral now,” he said, his voice emotionless.

He stood up, and started walking away.

“Jax, knock it off right now! I know that you’re still upset about Kaufmo, but-“

“I don’t care about Kaufmo. If I’m somehow able to see him on the other side, I’m going to knock his teeth in.”

“Jax, please. Talk to me about it…”

“No thanks!”

He swiftly made his way back to his room. He needed to be alone with his thoughts. That was it. He needed out, and the only way “out” he could think of was to abstract.

Every time Jax walked down the hallway of the living quarters, he purposely avoided looking at Kaufmo’s room. This time was no different, he looked straight ahead as he passed it. But each time was a conscious effort.

Once he was in his room again, he fell onto his bed.

He smiled.

“None of this is going to matter soon. I’m never going to have to deal with any of this again.”

He felt his eyes warm with tears, but kept forcing the smile on his face.

He peeked over to his void door, the curtain still pulled from it.

But then he heard her. That voice that once made him melt, but now only filled him with repressed anguish.
She was right outside of his room.

“JAX! LET ME IN, RIGHT NOW.”

He took a deep breath.

He got up, and started walking towards the door. But not the door she was pounding on. The one to the void.

“LET ME IN, YOU A$$&@%#!”

He grinned at her fury, approaching the door.

The pounding got louder, as he reached for the handle.

“JAX. PLEASE,”

Her anger turned into pure, excruciating pleading. He felt her words pierce into his soul, attempting to break down the newly rebuilt walls around his heart.

“Such an… annoying crybaby…” he said softly, as his hand gripped the door handle.

Her slamming on his door got so aggressive that he thought she might knock it down completely.

“JAX, I AM BEGGING YOU. PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR,”

“Jesus, why does she sound so distraught?! Is she seriously that mad about the void thing?”

He let out an irritated sigh, as he turned around and walked towards his bedroom door.

“If I let you in, will you calm down?!” he shouted to her, his voice as condescending as he could manage.

“Ugh, YES. Come on, ple-“

She didn’t finish her sentence as he opened his door and looked at her. Seeing her frantic face only aided in hardening his chest, he was determined to stay as apathetic as possible.

She froze when she saw him. Why did he look so calm now?

“What are you freaking out about, you maniac?”

“Jax, I… can I come in?”

“Why? Wanna go for another ride in the void? Come on, I know how badly you wanna get out of here. Lemme help,” Jax said, his tone blaring with sarcasm.

She winced at his hurtful inflection.

“Or we can go to my room. It doesn’t matter. I just want to talk to you…”

“Only if you ask nicely,” he teased.

She let out a disgruntled sigh.
“Please.”

“Eh, good enough. Come in, crybaby.”

Chapter Text

I was already worried about Jax, but after hearing about what he told Ragatha, I knew something was horribly wrong. She seemed nearly hysterical when she told me, and I ran straight to his room.

Is he serious? He just wants to… give up?!

If he wasn’t acting so weird already, I would have assumed that he just told Ragatha that to freak her out, but…
Something didn’t feel right.

I pounded on his door, begging, hoping it wasn’t too late.

But when I saw him… why was he so calm? I started thinking that he was probably just fucking with us.

I stepped inside.

“You really that upset about the void thing?” he asked, his arms crossed.

I nearly forgot about that with how much I was panicking over his wellbeing.

“I mean, yeah, I’m pretty pissed off. But I’ll yell at you for that later,” I said. “Right now, I need you to talk to me, Jax. Are you okay?”

I looked him dead in the eyes, repeating my question, it sounding more like a demand.

“Are you. Okay.”

His expression was completely emotionless. He looked at me, not breaking eye contact. Until a grin spread across his face. Not a happy grin, but one that looked sort of… chilling.

“You are such an idiot, you know that?” he said, condescendingly.

“Excuse me…?”

He let out a cold chuckle.

“You’re wasting your time worrying about me, when you could be out there with Pomni finding the way out,” he said.

What the hell…?

He was so stubborn about the exit thing a while ago… he tried so hard to convince me that there wasn’t one, and now he is encouraging it?

“Are you kidding me? Is there an exit or not, Jax?!”

His grin widened. “I have no idea, why don’t you keep looking and lemme know?”

I looked down at his hands, noticing the tight fists he held.

“Uh. Look, Jax, I’m here because Ragatha told me somethi-“

“Don’t listen to a word she says. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

“I was just… worried about you, okay? You’ve been acting weird today, and I wanted to come make sure you were okay. You know I’m here for you, right?”

“Sure you are.”

“Why are you acting like this?! You’re really worrying me, you know.”

“I don’t really understand why you care so much,” he scoffed.

I froze.

…

Why do I care so much…?

“Jax… you’re my friend. And I don’t want to see you abstract. I don’t want to see anyone abstract.”

He looked down at the floor in silence, and I was beginning to feel sort of awkward. My eyes scanned his room, thinking of what to say next. I stopped when I noticed the bowling balls he had displayed on his shelves.

Oh… oh yeah.

“Hey, I remember when we went bowling,” I said.

His ears perked up when I said that, and his expressionless face held just a hint of curiosity.

“You do?”

“Well… I remember going, but I don’t really remember what happened, or who won or anything…” I said, trying hard to recall the details.

I was getting incredibly frustrated. I had random fragments of my memory, but they felt so… incomplete.

“Jax, why would Caine reset my memory about when we went bowling…?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe you did so bad, he didn’t want to torture you with the memory.”

I glared at his sarcasm.

“I’m serious. I don’t understand. Why… why did he do this? What am I not remembering…?”

My stomach was in knots, and my head was aching with trepidation. I couldn’t understand Caine’s purpose, and frankly, it was starting to freak me the fuck out.

I was starting to think that Jax knew a lot more than he was letting on.

After a few more moments of tense silence, Jax spoke.

“You wanna lay down with me?”

I felt my eyes widen at his bizarre request.

“Um… what?”

He flopped down on his mattress.

“Come on, lie down.”

What the… is he coming on to me or something?! I’m pretty sure feelings like that aren’t really possible here…

“Okaaay…?”

I hesitated, but walked on over to him.

“What are you afraid of?! Lie down.”

I winced at his pushy, coercive tone.

He’s probably just going to shove me into the void again.

I sat down next to him, and slowly let my head hit his pillow. I felt his breath quicken slightly as I laid next to him, but I didn’t let my eyes move away from the ceiling.

This strange behavior of his was almost more concerning than his violent outburst.
I kept my guard up.

“You wanna know about Kaufmo?” he asked.

“Wait… really? I- I mean, if you’re comfortable with telling me about him, then sure…”

He leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

“Kaufmo was a f#&@ing idiot.”

The small chuckle I let out was almost as unexpected as his harsh words.

“Pfftt… Jax, what?”

He smiled back, this time it looked just a tiny bit more genuine.

“Yeah. He abstracted a while ago. It ticked me off, honestly.”

“Why did it tick you off?”

He took a deep breath, but didn’t quite answer my question.

“We, uh… used to go bowling together.”

My eyes flicked over to him.

“Jax… I remember now. You wanted me to go bowling with you, but we didn’t actually end up doing it. You got upset. I don’t remember the details, but… I remember being scared. I was scared for you.”

He kept his eyes closed.

“You don’t need to remember the details,” he said. “Anyways, Kaufmo was kind of…”

I laid there, eagerly waiting for him to finish his sentence.

“Kind of… what?”

“He was my friend.”

If his eyes weren’t closed, he probably would have been annoyed with my bewildered stare.

Friend…? Did he really just admit that to me?

He was really opening up to me. I didn’t want to make it a big deal, so I tried to play it cool.

“Thanks for telling me that, Jax.”

“Whatever. None of this really matters, anyways”

I sat up, propping myself up with my elbow to look at him.

“What do you mean by that…?!”

“Calm down, alright? Look, can we just… lay here? In silence?” he asked. His voice had just enough emotion in it to give me a subtle hint that he really didn’t want to talk anymore.

I wasn’t going to push.

I laid my head down again, looking at him as his eyes stayed closed.

It felt really weird. Sort of uncomfortable, but also oddly… familiar?

I stared at him, he looked so relaxed now.

As I studied his face, I felt a strange feeling. Something like deja vu. He looked kind of…

…adorable.

I brought my hand to his shoulder, carefully, not really knowing how he would respond to my touch. I gently placed it on him, a gesture of comfort.

His body completely tensed up when he felt it.

His eyes opened and shot over at me. I quickly drew back my hand.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t…”

“Why are you touching me?”

“I don’t know, I’m sorry! I just…” I sighed. “I want you to know that I’m here for you. I want you to be okay. I don’t want to lose you…”

Why does my heart feel like it’s going to burst out of my chest…?

“Well, don’t touch me. Please. I just want to lay here.”

“Do you want me to… leave you alone?”

“No,” he answered immediately. “Don’t go anywhere.”

It was silent again for a few minutes. I was getting increasingly uncomfortable. His mixed signals were getting on my nerves.

He was certainly opening up to me to me a bit, but it didn’t feel like a new thing. Has he opened up to me like this before? My heart swelled, as I frantically searched the scrambled, inner depths of my mind, reaching for absolutely any hint of a memory. But it only made me more frustrated.

“Jax. Please tell me what I’m forgetting. It’s on the tip of my tongue. I can almost… feel it. Especially when I’m with you. Do you know something?!” I was getting exponentially more anxious. “Jax, what did he make me forget?! Tell me.”

I was thrown off when I noticed how red his face was.

“Wait, are you blushing? Or are you mad?”

He groaned.

“Okay, get up. I’m taking you somewhere.”

“Jax, I swear, if you’re going to push me into the void again-“

“I’m nooot. Come on, let’s go,” he said, as he started walking towards his bedroom door.

I sighed, but got up and followed him.

“You know, I’m getting really sick of your cryptic attitude. I’m not really sure what you aren’t telling me, but it’s kinda irritating me,” I said, as we walked down the hallway.

“Get over it, sweetheart,” he said, rolling his eyes.

After a few more minutes, he led me to our destination.

“The observatory…?” I said, until I realized something. “Wait a second, did you call me ‘sweetheart’?”

“No. You must have heard me wrong,” he said.

“Are you gaslighting me right now, or-“

“Okay, we are here. Have a seat!”

He seemed much more chipper than he did a few minutes ago.

“Why’d you bring me here?” I asked, still suspicious of his intentions.

“God, will you quit questioning everything I do?! You said you wanted to be here for me, and I wanted to come here. That’s all. Now chill,”

This bastard.

We sat down together on one of the oddly shaped pieces of ‘furniture’. I looked up, remembering how much I absolutely love this place.

“So this… is where we had our first kiss.”

I felt my face become absolutely flushed.

“Uh, excuse me?! Jax?! What are you talking about? Why are you messing with me like this?!”

He looked at me with a grin on his face. Again, not really a happy grin, but one that was more so amused by my being flustered.

“You don’t remember, babe? You don’t remember when we kissed? What about what we did afterwards? You don’t remember that either?” His tone was disgustingly facetious.

He was definitely playing with me.

“Oh, God, why are you saying these things to me?!”

He grabbed me by my shoulders, twisting me to face him.

“Please. I can’t keep this up any longer. I tried to push it down, I tried to give up, I tried to hate you. But it’s f$%#ing impossible. I’m sick of it. If you’re not going to remember, then I’ll make you remember.”

He was officially scaring the hell out of me.

I looked into his eyes again, seeing how absolutely… hurt he looked. I felt something inside of me that was so unrecognizable, yet somehow so… eerily familiar.

I couldn’t speak. I was too engulfed by this intense feeling. So incredibly frustrating.

What am I forgetting… it’s right there…

I was so consumed by my inner turbulence that I didn’t even notice how close he was getting to my face.

My heart was pounding again.

Why do I feel so terrified…?

But I didn’t stop him.

“Please… remember,” he whispered, as his lips met mine.

His kiss completely washed away my turmoil.

But it filled me with something else.

I reciprocated, like by instinct, until I realized what the hell he was doing. I pulled away, looking at him, dumbfounded.

“Jax, what the hell was that?!”

He gripped me tighter, not breaking eye contact.

“We used to do that all the time.”

“I’m sorry, I…”

Wait.

That familiar feeling, that feeling I’ve been trying to put my finger on. The feeling that seemed to be just out of reach when I was with him.

“Jax, I don’t remember…”

His intense gaze looked like he was searching my very soul.

“I don’t remember kissing you, but I think…”

My head ached as I sifted through any fragments of memory, desperately trying to recognize what I was feeling.

I couldn’t find the words. I couldn’t comprehend this dreadfully familiar sensation. But it was there…

Without much further thought, I found myself crashing into him. I held him tight, pushing my head onto his chest. He held me back even tighter.

It was so unbelievably comforting, like it’s somehow where I belonged.

“Jax… I’m sorry I don’t remember anything, but you’re making me feel… weird,” I said, muffled into his chest. “I think I’ve felt like this before. With you.”

“Hey, you’re getting me all wet with your tears,” he said.

I pulled away and looked. I didn’t even notice that I was crying. The feeling was just too overwhelming.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I promise it’s not because I’m sad, I’m just…” I said, wiping my tears.

I leaned down onto his shoulder, trying not to get more tears on him.

“Jax, you make me feel really, really safe. Being with you like this… it’s so comfortable. God, I’m so confused… do you feel this way too?”

He held my head, pushing my face into him again.

“You could say that.”

The serene feeling of being so close to him clouded my anxiety, but I was still silently trying to figure this out. I had no idea what to make of this feeling.

“Jax… I don’t understand what’s happening.”

He leaned down and kissed my head, making my stomach twist, in an oddly pleasant way.

“Sweetheart…” he said softly, but didn’t say anything else. It was okay, though.

Everything felt pretty okay right now.

**************************

I spent that night in my room, staring at my starry ceiling, not a wink of sleep. I mulled over everything that’s happened, replaying Jax’s interactions with me over and over. He didn’t make much of an attempt to elaborate on the relationship we had before Caine reset my code, but one thing was becoming clear.

Something we really knew all along- Caine didn’t have control over our minds . The constant dread we all feel, the anxiety, the fear. Caine couldn’t stop that. But it wasn’t just the negative feelings, it was the good ones too. The friendships, the happiness, the comfort. No matter how hard he tried, we were still humans.

I still felt a comforting tenderness when I thought of Ragatha. She was my friend, I couldn’t forget that. And I felt happy thinking about Pomni, with a slight sense of worry and empathy for her anxiety. I felt a soft spot in my heart for everyone here. Especially Jax… that absolutely serene feeling he gave me. I couldn’t figure it out, but also couldn’t quite shake it, either.

Caine reset my memories, but there wasn’t a way for him to reset my feelings.

And something was telling me that Jax realized this, too.

Chapter Text

“Alright, everyone. I need to apologize,” Caine announced, as we all crowded around him.

Not sleeping all night and still not feeling tired was strange, but I was somewhat grateful for the uninterrupted, and much needed, me-time.

“It seems that I got so… worked up about losing control, that I might have taken things a bit too far,” he said.

“You think?” Jax scowled.

“While I unfortunately cannot bring back your memories, I have decided one thing. Since you are stuck here forever… I thought that it might not be a bad idea to remove the restrictions.”

Jax’s narrow eyes lit up.

“So there’s… really no way out of here, is there…?” Pomni said.

“What have I been telling you from the beginning?!” Jax snapped.

As much as I had a feeling there had to be some way out, I didn’t want to spend my time searching. Not right now, at least. I was still trying to decipher and work through my own feelings. And from the sound of it, I had all the time in the world to do so.

“Ultimately, I can’t stop your adorable little friendships and romances. All I ask of you, my little superstars… is that you remember what happens when you let yourself go crazy! Now, here we go-“

Wait, romances…?

He snapped his fingers.

…

“….fucking finally,” grumbled Zooble.

“Now, Zooble! You may not have a filter anymore, but please try to be polite!” Caine said.

Jax looked at me wearily, like he was waiting for something.

I didn’t feel any different. I furrowed my brows at him in confusion.

He suddenly looked incredibly excited.

He grabbed my wrist, pulling me closer to him.

“Hey, I wanna try something. Come on, let’s go to your room,” he whispered in my ear, his expression glowing with arrogant enthusiasm.

“Jax, wait a second, what happened? He lifted a filter?”

“Mhmmm… come on, let’s go see what we’re capable of now.”

“What exactly did you have in mind…?”

He frowned at me.

“I will be back tomorrow for your next adventure! Now, to make up for everything, I have something special for you all. A very fancy digital dinner at the fanciest restaurant in the digital realm!” Caine announced. “I will open the portal to the restaurant, so just head on over when you’re ready!”

I watched as a giant portal opened up, and I could see the restaurant on the other side. It was filled with mannequin NPC’s, all seated and appearing to enjoy their feasts.

“Oooh, this will be great! Come on, guys!” exclaimed Ragatha as she sauntered over to the portal, taking a step in.

I watched as everyone else followed, except for Jax.

“Hey, come on. Let’s go check it out,” I said to him, starting to walk towards the portal.

He gave me an irritated glance.

“What’s your deal? You love food, don’t you?” I asked.

He rolled his eyes. “Caine lifted the filter and you’re just worried about a pompous ass restaurant?”

“What, we can swear again. What’s the big deal?”

Jax sighed and put his fingers to his brow.

“Whatever,” he said, as he walked through the portal. “I’ll show you later.”

I raised an eyebrow at his weird conduct, but followed him in.

The restaurant looked impressive for a digital world. I walked around, finding a table to sit at. As I approached an empty table, I noticed that there were name tags at each seat. The ones on that table read Gangle, Zooble, and Kinger.

I looked at a nearby table, and saw Jax sitting alone, looking over the menu. I made my way over, realizing that Caine must have sat just the two of us together.

Jax peered up from the menu as I approached.

“He had Zooble sitting here with us, but I put their name tag over there,” he said.

I blushed at the thought of him wanting to be alone with me.

I sat down and grabbed the menu.

“Have you been here before?” I asked, taking in the ornate atmosphere.

Jax looked somewhat unamused at my question. He looked like he was thinking for a moment, until he grinned at me.

“You know, this is kind of like a date, huh?” he said, his voice holding a teasing inflection.

My stomach fluttered at his words, and I couldn’t help but look down and giggle.

“Hah, yeah. It kind of is. That’s funny…”

I looked up at him again, noticing the serious gaze he suddenly held. Like he was studying my every movement, a subtle glint of what seemed like admiration.

“Your face is really red right now,” he teased.

“Um! Well… okay, hey, what are you gonna get?!”

“Spaghetti.”

“What? Really? This place has salmon, caviar, filet mignon… and you’re getting the spaghetti?”

“Whaaat? I like it.”

“It’s not even real food here…”

“Well duh, but you can still taste it. It’s not like we are paying for anything, anyways. We can eat whatever we want at any time, actually.”

“Huh. You know what…? Spaghetti sounds really good right now,” I said with a smile.

“HELLO THERE! What can I get you two today?!”

I jumped when I heard the enthusiastic waiter’s voice, quickly realizing that it was Caine.

“Spaghetti for both of us,” Jax said with a scowl.

“Two spaghettis! A very fine choice!” Caine said, hovering away.

Jax rolled his eyes.

“I get that he’s trying to make this fun for us, but… ugh, he is so annoying,” Jax grumbled. “Don’t you find it kind of irritating that he’s trying to apologize for what he did with a dinner?”

“I don’t know. I actually think it’s kind of fun being here. It feels oddly normal.”

“Normal, huh? You like being on a normal date with me?”

“Jax! It’s not really a date-“

“Sure it is!”

He leaned back in his chair, resting the back of his head in his hands.

“And after our date, I can take you back to my place,” he said, playfully.

God, why is everything he is doing and saying making me blush so much?!

I felt bashful at his request, and the thought of being taken back to his room. Until I remembered something that pissed me off.

“Wait a second. Jax, why the hell did you push me into the void, by the way?!”

His playful expression hardened.

“I was just messing with ya.”

“But why’d you look so… distraught about it?”

“Look, this isn’t a good place to talk about that. We can talk more when we get to my room.”

“Well, Jax. I have a lot of questions and you’re proving to be really damn bad at answering them,” I said, my voice much more stern.

“Alright, alright,” he said, putting his hands up. “I’ll tell you whatever you want. Later. Sheesh.”

“Your spaghetti!” Said Caine, appearing suddenly, as he placed the bowls down in front of us.

I watched Jax give him a perplexed look as Caine snapped his fingers. I looked down at the table to see candles appear in front of us, along with a vase of roses.

“Ah, I can’t deny it! Love is a beautiful thing isn’t it?” Caine said, a dreamy inflection in his voice. “Enjoy!” he said, vanishing away.

I looked at Jax, and this time his face was probably redder than mine for once. He seemed embarrassed and flustered, but didn’t say anything as he started digging in to his digital meal.

Something that Caine said made me feel weird.

‘Love is a beautiful thing.’

I suddenly had no appetite anymore, whatsoever.

Oh. Oh, fuck.

My eyes didn’t tear away from Jax.

“What’s wrong? You look terrified or something,” he said, a mouthful of food. “Lemme guess, you actually hate spaghetti and were just trying to impress me,” he smirked.

I could barely register the words that were coming out of his mouth.

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move.

That feeling that Jax gives me.

The security, the warmth… the utterly alluring hold he had on me.

This feeling…

“What’s your deal? You look like you’re about to throw up. Just order something else if you don’t want that, geez,” he said.

“Jax…”

“Whaaat.”

I love him, don’t I?

Does he… ?

I tried to regain my composure to speak.
“Before Caine reset my memories… were we…?” I began. My heart was racing.

“Hey, I told you I’d answer your questions later,” he said.

“Were you like… my boyfriend or something-“

I barely finished my question when Jax started hacking, choking on his food.

“Oh, oh my god, are you okay?!”

He coughed a few more times, and caught his breath. He stared at me like my question offended him.

“I’m sorry! I just, you’re making me feel all these things, and I’m so confused and frustrated at not being able to remember anything… and you’re not telling me anything either, and I just…”

My eyes were wet with stupid tears again.

“Okay, calm down, calm down. No need to be so hysterical about it,” he said.

My heart felt broken. Things were beginning to add up.

Why would Caine make me forget this?!

“Jax. When we do back to your room, I really need you to tell me everything. No more of your mysterious half answers, or avoiding topics. This is driving me crazy. I really need to know what the fuck is going on.”

He sighed, taking another bite of food.

“Fine. Whatever.”

“Promise?”

“I guess. Now come on, eat your food so we can get out of here.”

I looked down at the unappetizing, geometric shapes of the noodles.

My trembling hand picked up my fork, trying to at least take a bite. But my mind wouldn’t stop racing. Being around Jax felt so natural and right.

I remember it. I remember feeling this way for him before.

“Alright, if you’re just gonna act all weird then let’s go. Kinda rude table manners, ya know,” Jax said.

I silently stared into the digital flame of the candle in front of me as Caine collected our bowls.

Does he feel the same way…? Why isn’t he telling me anything? How much time together did we spend that I can’t remember…?

“Hey, come on. Let’s go,” I heard Jax calling over to me. I looked up, realizing he was already one foot into the portal back to the circus. I scrambled up, hastily following him back.

*******************************

“Don’t worry, I’m not pushing you into the void, alright?” he said, as we entered his room.

“Yeah, can you please explain to me now what that was all about?!” I asked, sitting on the edge of his mattress.

He sat next to me. The playful demeanor he held today was evidently wiped away. He looked on edge, and a bit uncomfortable.

Jax rubbed his neck. “I wanted to… make you abstract?” he said, flat out.

“What the fuck?? Jax, why?!”

“Listen, it sounds worse than it is… okay, well it was pretty shitty of me. But I didn’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean?!”

I could never know if he was messing with me or not, but his pained look seemed genuine.

He sighed, “Seeing you forget your memories about me was… really painful. I don’t think you lost any memories except for the ones that had to do with me. With us.”

“Why would Caine do that, though? I don’t understand…”

“I don’t really understand a lot of it, either. But I do know that he was being a big piss baby about losing control over us. He was worried that if two people were too close to each other, it would cause problems… especially if one of us abstracts.”

“So… he was trying to help us? He didn’t erase my feelings though, just the time we spent together…”

Jax hung his head, holding it in his hands.

“You really aren’t going to remember… are you?” he said, his voice beginning to tremble.

“I’m sorry…”

“Quit apologizing, alright? It’s not your fault,” he said, trying to regulate his increasingly heavy breaths.

“Look… I hate that I even got close to you in the first place. I never wanted it to happen, but I can’t really help it. I was more miserable trying to deny it. And when you couldn’t remember our relationship, I thought the only things I could do was either make you abstract, or have myself go through it instead. I couldn’t live with you if you didn’t return my feelings,” he said.

My chest ached.

“Jax, that’s kinda… crazy.”

He lifted his head, looking taken aback.

“What?! Crazy? Why, because no matter what I did, I would have been miserable anyways?”

“Okay, well why didn’t you go through with either option? We are both still here, and you seem… somewhat okay?”

“Because when I started talking to you more, and when we kissed… I could still feel it. And not just me, but from you. I knew that you were still you, and that your feelings were still there.”

“These feelings are driving me crazy. Jax… you feel them towards me, too?”

“Uh… well yeah. I care about you, I guess. Well, a lot actually. Which is why we are even in this mess in the first place, but I can’t really change how I feel, so…”

I felt satisfied that I was finally able to get some information out of him, but at the same time, my heart hurt for him.

Especially after what he went through with Kaufmo, and then he thought he lost me…

“We were in a relationship, weren’t we? I feel like I remember it. I remember the feelings, I do! I just don’t remember the details…”

“I know. It’s okay. We have… a lot of time. I’ll tell you all about them, and the memories we will make will definitely outweigh the old ones.”

“Hah. That’s the corniest thing I’ve ever heard you say,” I teased, feeling the weight slowly lift off of me.

Jax glared at me, “Well it’s all your fault.”

“Hehe, sorry I’m just too perfect,” I said with a giggle.

“You really are, though,” he replied, his voice unnaturally serious.

My smile fell as I took in the look on his face. He appeared to be calm now, but with a slight sense of anticipation in his eyes.

“See how much I’ve told you? Now you gotta promise me something in return, okay?”

“Uh… I’m afraid to ask,” I said.

“Stay here. Don’t try to leave, don’t go crazy, and try to just enjoy your time. We can do anything we want here. Don’t think about an exit. I want us to be here together for as long as possible.”

My heart melted.

“But don’t you think that either one of us will abstract eventually…?”

“Please don’t think about that. If you abstract, I will too. I want to stop being tortured by this feeling and just embrace it instead. There’s nothing else in this world that I can think of that sounds better than just being with you.”

I stared back into his eyes, my stomach twisting and turning with devotion.

“Jax, I still can’t quite wrap my head around this all, but I can promise you… I feel the exact same way.”

I didn’t realize how close we became until he gently wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly against him. I closed my eyes, leaning into his chest.

“This is where I belong, isn’t it? I remember how good you make me feel, Jax. I’m really happy with you…”

He leaned down, his mouth grazing my head as he whispered, “You’re everything to me. You make me sick with happiness. It’s awful. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Being wrapped in his embrace was the closest to heaven I’ve ever felt.

His hands traced my back, finding their way to the bottom of my shirt. I sighed into his touch as I felt his hands move, between the fabric and my skin. He groaned softly, nuzzling his face into my hair.

The warmth flowed through me, from my face, to my chest, to my-

Oh.
I remember this feeling.

Chapter Text

“Oh my God, Jax, how did I forget about that?!”

He leaned back, looking at me curiously.

“What?”

I grabbed the strap of his suspender, pulling him towards me again.

“Jax, you make me feel good. Really good…”

I pulled his face into mine, claiming his lips, moving my tongue around his with unexpected vigor.

He instantly leaned into it, deepening it, grabbing my waist mercilessly.

He pulled away after a moment, his breath heavy.

“Thank God. Finally,” he said, his hands moving back up my shirt.

He continued to kiss me, peppering my lips, my face, my neck. Whispering unintelligible words under his breath, seemingly grabbing me with more recklessness than lust.

“Sweetheart, please tell me you remember how I feel inside of you…” he said, a pleading whine.

I hesitated, trying to recall any sort of details.

“I’m sorry, Jax…”

He leaned away again, looking at me with what I could only identify as disappointment.

“I told you, I don’t remember anything that happened, but I remember the feeling you give me. I don’t remember having sex, but I know that we did. I recognize the feeling. I’m sorry, it’s so confusing, but-“

“Hey. It’s alright…” he said. I could tell he was trying to keep a positive attitude to hide his pain. “We’ll just have to get started with those new memories, huh?” he jabbed me with his elbow playfully, giving me a sly grin.

“Yes, please,” I said, leaning in towards him again.

He cupped my face in his hand as he leaned in for another kiss. I nearly threw myself at him, desperately needing to feel close again. I needed to experience his body; the fact that I had forgotten what he felt like was eating away at me. His touch felt so good, so intimate, so perfect.

But then he stopped.

“Everything alright, Jax…?”

He seemed like he was having a hard time focusing. I could still sense the pain from him.

“Yeah, just keep going,” he said, grabbing my waist again.

“No, I can tell something is bothering you.”

He looked irritated.

“I thought that I lost you, and you don’t remember any of the physical shit we’ve done. Of course I’m upset,” he snarled.

His hands didn’t move from my waist.

He sighed. “Look, I know it’s not your fault… I’m not mad at you,” he said, a bit more reassuring this time.

“Jax, I’m so proud of you.”

He looked incredibly confused, almost disgusted. “What?”

“You’ve really opened up to me. I remember when it was really hard for you. I remember the moments we shared as friends, you know. I remember how hard it was at first to get you to say anything about how you’re feeling.” I held him a bit more gently as I looked into his eyes. “You’ve gone through so much, and here you are. Letting your guard down. You’re troubled, tormented, and human. Just like everyone else here.”

His expression of confusion didn’t budge.

“You are way too good for me,” he said, sounding absolutely repulsed.

“Jax, no.”

“Seriously? All of the bullshit you’ve been through since you’ve been here? Your memories are all fucked up, and you’re just worried about me? And how I’m feeling? It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, but okay.”

He looked deep in thought for a few moments, until he spoke again.

“I’m not a good person like you. I’m selfish. You’re the first person that I actually might care about more than myself. And the only reason I’m even admitting that to you, is because I feel safe telling you,” he said.

He looked incredibly conflicted.

“See what you’ve turned me into?! A pathetic, mushy idiot. Thanks a lot.”
But he didn’t sound upset anymore.

I smiled at him, trying to be gentle with my touch.

“It’s okay, Jax. Everything’s gonna be okay. We have each other-“

“Alright, alright. No more talking about stupid feelings. It’s making me nauseous. Now, come ‘ere,” he said, pulling me closer to him again, continuing the kiss.

####
####

Jax gently pushed me down onto my back, not taking his mouth off of me. He pulled down his overalls, looking refreshed.

“God, I’m so glad I can take these things off again,” he sighed, breaking the kiss, clumsily guiding me to take my clothes off as well.

I wiggled out of my clothes as he helped me, not taking his eyes off of my body, a needy and impatient glint in his eyes.

“Damn, you look good… I missed this,” he groaned, nuzzling his face into my chest.

The intense heat I felt from him was almost overwhelming.

His unusually sharp teeth clamped down onto my nipple, gentle yet confident. I squealed at the feeling, a sharp, aching pleasure.

“Oh my God, that feels good…” I sighed.

He twirled his tongue around, before he let go and grinned at me. “You like that, don’t you?”

He bit down again, moving up to the flesh of my breast, my shoulders, my neck, leaving marks that stung with pleasure.

“Ohhh, my God… Jax…”

His large hands grabbed either side of my waist, positioning my body with ease as he straddled me.

I looked down, letting out an involuntary whine at the sight of how fucking huge he was, so eager and ready for me. Gluttony and lust swirled together in his eyes, staring me down with an obvious desire that left me restless.

This feels so familiar…

I laid on my back, writhing at the anticipation. The heat that was building inside of me was taking over. I wanted to completely give myself to him.

“Jax…” I moaned again, watching as he began to stroke himself, the tip of his dick brushing up against the wet slit of my pussy.

“You sure you’re ready? ‘Cause once I start, there’s no stopping,” he asked, gently but akin to a warning. “So I gotta be sure, sweetheart~”

My back arched, my pelvis reaching towards him, needing to wrap myself around him.

“God, yes, please-“ I begged.

“Now you’re impatient and begging? Hah, imagine how impatient I’ve been. Here, I’ll show ya-“

My voice broke into a needy scream. He impaled me, suddenly, leaving me no time to adjust to the full feeling of his cock.

“FUCK, JAX-“

I felt my eyes tear up, and roll to the back of my head as I closed them. This was… incredible.

“Yeaaah, that’s good, isn’t it?” Jax said, his voice low and teasing. He began to pull out, and push back in again, feeling the walls of my pussy clench around him with raw, aching desire.

“Oh- yes, Jax- ah…!”

The feeling of him completely filling me up, pumping into me over and over was unbelievable. I didn’t feel like I completely remembered, but somehow my body knew what to do, like it recognized how perfectly our bodies fit together.

He picked up the pace, struggling to keep his own glazed over eyes open.

“I’m never gonna get sick of this, babe… God, you’re so fucking tight… so fucking beautiful… oh, shit-“ his voice cracked, being taken over by trembling breaths.

My arms were weak, my hands blindly reaching for him for some sort of purchase as he continued to pound my body into the mattress. He held onto me, grabbing everywhere and anywhere he could reach.

“I’m gonna fill you up with so much cum-“

My breath hitched at his words of augury, his throbbing dick stretching me more than I thought possible.

The heat built up even more.

“Oh, Jax, I’m close-“

“That’s right, babe, cum all over my dick. Fuuuck…”

The closer I felt to my release, the more I felt like I was recollecting little pieces from when we have done this before. My body responded to his so naturally, I truly felt like we were one…

“Mmm… ah…!”

I almost felt like my soul was leaving my digital body as waves of pleasure crashed into me, over and over, my ears ringing and deafening from the sound of his mutual, rasping groans.

The sound he made when he came was almost alarming- a loud, unrestrained, overwrought cry of desperation, pleading my name over and over. My mind felt like it was shutting down, completely permeated with surging fervor and bliss.

I couldn’t even tell if I was screaming back to him, or if it was in my head as I came as well. I felt his dick twitch and jerk inside of me, his cum practically pouring into me. I tried to call out his name in response, but it’s like my mind forgot how to speak.

I let out a pathetic whine, my body squirming and convulsing underneath him as I fell into the steaming hot hold my own body had over me.

He’s definitely made me feel this way before…

Jax hovered over me, hanging his head down as he let out the last of his seed. He lingered inside of me, his body almost crushing me as he lost his strength.

I whined as he finally pulled out, not wanting it to end, but grateful for the relief.

####
####

“Heh… damn, girl. You really didn’t forget how to do that, huh?” Jax sneered as he caught his breath.

“Mmm… I guess not,” I sighed, snuggling up to him.

“You sure you don’t remember doing that before?”

I tried to clear away the cloud of lust that dazed me, attempting to recall anything.

“You know, I sort of do, actually. But it’s like I’m trying to remember a dream. It’s spotty, but… I know we’ve done this before.”

He held onto me, twirling his fingers in my hair.

“Hmm. Well maybe I can help pound it into you, huh?” He said with a smug grin, raising his eyebrows at me with a theatric wink.

“You’re a dick,” I said with a chuckle.

We laid there for a few moments, silent, simply enjoying being together.

“You know… I think we should actually go bowling. What do you think?” Jax said.

“Oh! I mean, if that’s okay with you… I think it would be fun.”

He seemed a bit hesitant, but I could tell he was trying.

“Alright. Clean yourself up, let’s go.”

*************************

We entered the bowling alley of the circus. I thought it was kind of funny that Jax had his own ball. I thought back at the collection he had in his room.

“So how many bowling balls do you have?”

He looked at me, raising an eyebrow.

“What’s with the weird small talk?”

“What?? I wanna know.”

“I don’t know. Caine just spawns them from time to time. I probably have at least a dozen,” he said, not really seeming impressed with my question. “Here, I brought this one for you-“

He swiftly threw a ball at me. I caught it at the last second, the intense heaviness of it bringing me down to the ground with a yelp and a thud.

“Jax, what the hell?!”

He snickered, thoroughly amused at my struggling.

“Hah, better keep up if you wanna win-“

“Hey, I’m not even good at this. I’m just doing it for fun.”

Jax rolled his eyes as we approached the lane. “Alright, alright. I’ll go first then. Show ya how it’s done.”

His cocky attitude was front and center. I couldn’t help but find it amusing.

He threw the ball, watching it roll down the lane in anticipation. It hit all the pins, giving him an easy strike. He spun around and looked at me, his face searching for some sort of reaction or approval.

“That was okay, I guess,” I teased. He seemed to want validation from me, so I admittedly thought it would be funny to mess with him a little. He’s messed with me enough.

“Okay?! That’s called a strike, sweetheart. I’d like to see you do that,” he said, clearly a bit irritated.

“Hmm. Looks pretty easy,” I said, walking up to the lane. I threw the ball gently, watching it roll until it eventually hits a pin. I watched as two fell over.

“Boooo.” Jax yelled from behind me. I turned around to glare at him, but he had a smile stretched across his face. A grin that actually seemed quite authentic.

I went to sit back down.

“You get another turn, dummy,” he said.

“Oh.”

I waited for my ball to return, and threw it again, aimlessly. To my surprise, my ball knocked over the rest of the pins.

“Eh, that was better. But your form is horrible,” Jax said.

“My form?! You don’t look like you’re doing anything special,” I teased.

“What?! For your information, I’m a pro.”

“Pffftt, says who?” I said, my face getting closer to his.

“You’re such a brat, you know that?” he said, leaning into me.

“Well, you’re a-“

He grabbed my arm, pulling me into him, planting an unexpectedly vigorous kiss on my mouth. His hands grabbed at my ass and my hips, forcing his tongue almost down my throat. I was completely thrown off guard, but couldn’t deny that it worked me up all over again. I kissed back, my hands wandering to his straps, beginning to pull them down.

“Guys!… Oh-“

We instantly broke away from each other, searching the room with flushed faces.
That voice didn’t come from either of us.

I turned around to see Pomni standing there, looking absolutely flustered.

“I’m sooooo sorry for interrupting- oh my God- okay, continue!” she said, her face almost as red as ours. She started to run away again.

“Pomni, wait!” I said, beginning to run after her.

“Ugh, come on, let her go. We were in the middle of something,” Jax grumbled.

“Well she seemed like she needed something- POMNI, WAIT UP!”

Jax sighed with frustration. “Fine. Go see what she wants.

I caught up to her, noticing that Jax followed me, albeit unenthusiastically.

“I’m sorry- I didn’t know you guys were- ah, I’m sorry,” Pomni said, stuttering with embarrassment.

“What the hell do you want?” Jax said, crossing his arms.

Pomni’s flustered expression fell, suddenly looking seriously alarmed as she spoke.

“Guys, there’s uh… something wrong with Caine.”

“No kidding,” Jax scoffed.

“Seriously, I think you guys should come check it out…”

Chapter Text

“He’s not moving…” I said, taking in the bizarre sight before me.

“Is he doing a… T pose?!” Jax said, with a slight chuckle under his breath.

Pomni looked at me with an extremely unsettled look in her eyes.

“Uh… yeah. Guys, I’m seriously freaking out right now,” she said, on the verge of panic. “What do we do?!”

I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Caine. He was frozen, a strange static sound coming from him. It sounded like he was trying to speak, but it was all… glitched out or something.

“He’s fiiine. Come on, let’s get back to bowling-“

“Jax, are you kidding me?! Something is seriously wrong.”

He raised an eyebrow at me, but didn’t respond.

“Guys, look, there’s been a lot of weird things going on around here, it’s not fine. I-I’ll go find the others. You two… stay here and watch Caine,” Pomni said, scurrying away frantically.

Jax watched her run away, still looking completely unaffected by this.

“Jax, what’s going on…? Why aren’t you freaking out? Don’t you think this is something to freak out about?!”

“Oh, calm down. Panicking won’t solve anything.”

Why the fuck is he being so nonchalant about this?!

Jax stared at Caine, and the look in his eyes suddenly made me feel really nervous.

He looked almost… entertained?

“Um… Jax? Did you have something to do with this?!”

Jax practically laughed in my face.

“Ha! You kidding me? Why would you assume such a thing?” he asked, his tone overflowing with sarcasm.

“Jax, what did you…”

“Oh my gosh, guys, what is wrong with Caine?!”

I turned my head to see Ragatha, running in with the others.

“W-what’s happening…?” cried Gangle.

The collective confusion among everyone was becoming overwhelming.

Jax rolled his eyes.

“Alright, alright. You guys keep gawking at Caine helplessly. I gotta go get something,” Jax said, grabbing my wrist. “C’mon.”

“Jax, what are you-“

“Come. On.”

I shut my mouth, letting him guide me to wherever the hell he was going.

He brought me to his bedroom door, letting go of me to unlock it.

“Why are we going to your room…?”

“I told you, I gotta get somethin’. “

We walked in, and he headed over to one of his shelves. I watched anxiously as he grabbed a small container. He opened it and started digging around.

“Are those… keys?”

Jax inspected each key carefully.

“I’m trying to find the right one,” he said.

“A key for what?!”

Jax sighed. “I’m trying to find the key that will help take care of Caine.”

“What do you mean by… take care of Caine…?”

Jax smirked at me, holding up a big, silver key. He twirled it around before shoving it in his pocket.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. Remember when I said I’d take care of the whole Caine situation?”

My stomach dropped.

“Um… yeah. I do. But- we have all the freedom we want now, w-what did you-“ I stuttered, trying to piece everything together.

“Follow me,” he demanded, completely ignoring my concern.

My mind was spinning with distress as he led me down the hallway. We turned the corner, and entered an adjacent hallway I hadn’t been down before.

I reached for his hand with mine, a futile attempt to gain some sort of comfort in this situation. He held my hand confidently, stroking it with his thumb.

“Don’t worry,” he said, now much more gentle. “I know you’re nervous. But I promise things are about to change for the better.”

We kept walking down the winding hallways that seemed to go on forever. There were no more doors, and less and less pictures on the walls.

“How much longer?” I asked. I knew it was pointless to ask where we were going. As frustrating as it was, I knew he liked being ambiguous.

“We’re almost there.”

The hallways kept going, and the further we walked, the more everything started to look… strange. The walls and floor were losing detail. Everything seemed dull. Much more… digital.

Finally, we reached a door. It looked like it had absolutely no texture at all. A completely un-rendered rectangle on the wall, with a small, square key hole.

I felt sick with anxiety as I watched Jax calmly unlock the door.

“This is Caine’s room,” Jax explained before we walked in.

“Caine has a room?!”

“Well, it’s not like a bedroom like we have. It’s more like… where he hangs out when he’s not interacting with us.”

“How the hell do you have a key to this place?!”

“I have keys to everywhere, remember? I came across them a while ago, and have been slowly figuring out where each one leads to,” he said, beginning to walk in the room. “Caine has no idea! He must have already replaced the ones he needs.”

Jax was really making me uneasy. After everything we have been through together, I still felt like he had so many secrets.

Can I… really trust him?

I slowly followed him in. My eyes burned at the sudden brightness that filled the room.

“This is just… a bright, white room…?”

“Yeah, well we won’t be long. Hang tight,” he said, walking around like he was looking for something.

I watched him, peeking through my squinted eyes.

Why am I even being dragged into this?! What if everything he’s said has been a lie, and he’s going to do something bad to me?!

As much as I began second guessing his intentions, I still couldn’t pull myself away from him. I wanted to run back to the others, and work together to fix Caine. But I couldn’t. Even though Jax was making me incredibly nervous, I felt like being away from him would have made the anxiety worse.

“Jax, please. Let’s go back now. I’m getting worried.” My patience was running thin. I was getting increasingly antsy to get out of there.

“Aha! Found it~” Jax said, disturbingly cheerful.

I was about to talk back, when I felt the ground shake.

“Uh, what was that?!”

The bright lights flickered on and off.

Wait, where did he go?!

The entire room began to shake, making me completely lose my balance. I fell to the ground as my senses were overstimulated by the flashing lights, getting faster, faster.

I felt myself fall into full blown panic.

The only thing I could think to do was call for him.

“Jax, what’s… what’s happening?!”

But I couldn’t see anything anymore. The strobing lights were too much, searing through my closed eyelids.

“JAX-“

Where is he?!

I couldn’t hear anything except for my own voice, and the violent rumbling of my surroundings.

Did he leave me alone here…?

I struggled and fumbled, desperately feeling my way around to the door, back to the hallway. I felt unnaturally heavy, like I was being pulled into the ground.

The panic that was consuming me was only matched by the impending sense of heartbreak.

Why did he leave me behind?!

Jax…

I couldn’t find the way out.

I felt pathetic. I curled up in a ball, lying on the cold, quaking ground below me. I pushed my hands into my eyes, trying to keep out the blinding luminosity that confined me. Eager for this to end, I waited.

Why did he leave me…

And waited.

He doesn’t love me like I love him, does he.

And waited.

Before I knew it, I couldn’t move at all.

The chaos around me suddenly stopped.

I let out one more hopeless call for him, but I knew it would be of no use.

“Jax…”

Nothing.

I opened my eyes again. I most certainly wasn’t in the same room as I was before, was I?

Everything was still white, but not blinding. There were vague outlines of random objects, but nothing was actually there. The ceiling looked like it went on forever. The further I could see into the distance above me, the more it started to seem familiar.

Is that… the void up there…?

I attempted to comprehend what the hell just happened, and where I was, until I heard his voice again.

He said my name.

“J-Jax!”

I sat up, turning my head around. He stood above me, an unexpectedly agonizing look in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” he said.

I stared up at him, bewildered.

“What…?”

“I fucked up. I’m so sorry.”

“Jax, what the hell are you talking about?! WHAT DID YOU DO?!”

“I… got rid of Caine.”

“WHAT?! WHAT IS GOING ON-“

He kneeled down and grabbed me, pulling me into him.

“Please… don’t yell,” he said, his voice trembling.

My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, and it made me realize something that made me sick. I didn’t have an actual heart. This wasn’t my body.

This isn’t real.

None of this is real.

I felt the heat coming off of Jax’s body, but it didn’t comfort me like usual.

Jax’s body isn’t real.

Every ounce of excruciating despair completely consumed me.

“Caine is gone. I… thought it would make things better for us.”

I tried hopelessly to process what he was saying to me, but all I could feel was pure horror.

“I thought it could mean that we would be here together forever. I was wrong. I’m so sorry…”

I had never heard this much suffering in his voice before. My own despair spiraled as I latched on to his words. He sounded so unnervingly traumatized, but I couldn’t help but lash out.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE DOING THIS?! HOW COULD YOU THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA-“

I screamed at him furiously, sobbing into his chest.

“Please… calm down.” his body was shaking as he kept holding on to me.

“I found the source of his power and I destroyed it. Heh, I should have known we couldn’t live without him,” he explained, his voice cracking with crazed regret. “You did this to me. You made me crazy. I wanted you all to myself, forever, and I ruined it. Caine fucked with us too much and… I didn’t want to risk losing you. You… made me go insane.”

“Jax… no…”

“Thank you for all the fun we had… I wish you could remember it.”

I looked at him, noticing a strange, black mass on his face.

I completely lost my breath, and it felt like my nonexistent heart stopped.

He looked into my eyes, an unexpected grin stretching across his face.

“It’ll be okay, darling…”

“Wait- Jax, no, what is going on?! What’s happening to you?!”

I watched in horror as the black mass began to move, spreading down his neck.

I knew what was happening, but I didn’t want to believe it.

Why…

This is a dream… this isn’t happening… this isn’t real…

I need… to get out…

Suddenly, my leg started to tingle. I looked down, only to see the same black mass growing over it.

No… oh, God, no…

I looked back at Jax, grabbing onto him for dear life, silently pleading for help. I couldn’t get any words out.

I was petrified.

“Sweetheart…” he whispered, his hold on me getting stronger.

The black, glitching mass moved further down his body. I watched as disgusting, brightly colored eyes appeared from the mass, each one looking around the room.

“No… no… don’t leave me… please, Jax…”

“It’s okay… I’m not leaving you… you’re abstracting too…” he said, his voice straining, a grin still on his face. But his grin didn’t hide how absolutely horrified he was.

My body felt like it was disappearing, but it hurt at the same time. A phantom pain overwhelmed me as I felt the creeping mass come up to my neck.

I was nodding off, beginning to lose consciousness.

But I didn’t take my eyes off of Jax, searching for any sort of consolation.

“Jax… it hurts.”

“I know, baby… it’ll be okay… just keep holding onto me…”

I tried my hardest to stay focused solely on him as I felt my body and mind giving in to the insanity.

“I just wanted… to be with you forever… with no chance of losing you. How ironic…” he said. His voice was getting weak.

I couldn’t respond anymore.

My vision was fading.

This can’t be happening…

“My girl…” he said, tears in his eyes.

I watched in agony, mental and physical, as the glitching mass grew, just about to envelope his face.

No… please…

Everything was fading.

Jax let out one last sentence.

“I love you more than anything. No matter what happens… I hope I see you again…”

A violent punch in the gut slammed into me as a flash of memories tormented my mind.

Our first kiss. Our first time. Being locked away. His mental breakdown, begging me not to leave him. All of the times we held each other, laughed together…

I remember now.

“I… love you too, Jax. So… much…” I squeaked out.

But he was gone.

No…

A giant, glitching creature stood before me. The eyes it had almost looked remorseful, but I couldn’t tell.

I was almost gone, too.

I didn’t feel scared anymore.

My last thought was him.

Chapter Text

"Love isn't something that we invented. It's observable. Powerful. It has to mean something.
Maybe it means something more, something we can't yet understand. Maybe it's some evidence, some artifact of a higher dimension that we can't consciously perceive. Love is the one thing that we're capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space."

-Amelia Brand
Interstellar (2014)

Hey guys! This is going to be a shorter chapter, because I wanted to share a few things beforehand.

First, I wanted to thank every single person who has been reading my story. I’ve never written a fanfic this long before, and I honestly didn’t think many people would read it, let alone enjoy it. I mostly just wanted to write some silly smut and fluff about my favorite rabbit; I truly did NOT know how intimate and emotionally taxing this story would become.

There is going to be one more final chapter after this one. I’m not sure how long it will take, because I want it to be as perfect as possible, so please stay tuned!

I’d also like to share some of my socials that I am active on. I draw fanart, do cosplay, and also use them to update on new stories and chapters. Please give me a follow if you’d like~

Twitter/X:  @suki_akari_
Tumblr:  aeryca
bluesky:  sukiakari.bsky.social

Once again, thank you so much for being a part of this story with me. Every kudo, every comment means the absolute world to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

*the lights dim*

~ JAX’S POINT OF VIEW ~

“You finally gave up, huh?”

Is that…?

“I mean, I knew you would eventually. We all do! I just thought you’d last a little longer, Jax.”

“Kaufmo…?”

Jax could see nothing but swirling pixels, flashing and glitching around him.

He looked down at his hands, squinting through the glitchy, hazy air to see the same yellow gloved hands. He… wasn’t abstracted? A part of him felt disappointed he was still in his digital rabbit body, but as he looked harder… it seemed a lot less digital, and much more… realistic.

“I didn’t give up, asshole… something happened.” Jax responded to the voice, but couldn’t see anyone. “Kaufmo, is that you?”

“It’s me, buddy. Things have been pretty boring here without you.”

Jax couldn’t process what he was feeling.

“What the fuck is going on?!” His voice bled anger and confusion, but he felt his chest burn with what he could only recognize as excitement, hearing the comforting voice of his best friend again.

As his surroundings calmed, and his vision became clear, he could see him standing in front of him. An overwhelming sense of urgency struck him as he found himself running towards Kaufmo, albeit cautiously. He wanted to embrace him, but stopped himself as he stood face to face.

Jax felt his throat swell, his eyes burn. All of the memories of losing him crashed into him, overflowing his mind with all of the grief he so diligently pushed down. His first instinct was to play it cool, just like he always had, and not let this dumb clown have the satisfaction of knowing just how much he missed him. But seeing him again was unbelievable, and he found himself crashing into him with a hug.

“Wow, what happened while I was gone? You all soft, now?” Kaufmo said with a goofy smirk.

“Shut up,” Jax snapped back, but not pulling himself away.

He had never shown this kind of affection towards to anyone before. No one, except…

“Where is (y/n)?!” Jax suddenly said, pulling himself away from Kaufmo, frantically flicking his eyes around the room as his vision returned back to normal.

“Who?”

“I… what is happening…?”

“Jax. This is what happens when you abstract. Technically, I was kinda right… it is possible to leave the circus,” Kaufmo explained.

As overwhelmed and confused as Jax was, he felt relatively still considering the circumstances. His body felt weird, heavier than normal. But it felt… nice?

“Okay, well can you explain to me where the hell I am?” Jax demanded impatiently.

“Well, as it turns out… the only way to leave the circus is to abstract. Unfortunately, there is no way to get back to the real world. This is it, buddy. Your… human body is long dead by now.”

Jax could feel the anxiety welling up inside of him, but still strangely didn’t feel as scared as he did when he first entered the circus. He was just happy to still be… “alive”, along with the overwhelming relief of seeing Kaufmo again.

“This… simulation holds your consciousness. This is where we were meant to be sent to, not the circus. But somehow, a few of us happened to slip through and get stuck there. The circus was like a purgatory. None of us were supposed to experience that… you ever wonder why there were so many bugs and why Caine was always so unstable? It was a game. It wasn’t finished,” Kaufmo explained.

“Wait, we’re fucking dead? Dude. So you’re telling me… I spent years there worrying about abstraction, when I could have just done it and end up fine?!”

“I know, Jax… we went through a lot of years of unnecessary anxiety. That place simply wasn’t meant to handle human emotions like that, which is why when they’d get too strong, your codes simply weren’t compatible with the program anymore. And you’d become corrupted, aka abstract. I wish there could have been a way to communicate with you guys. But I’m really glad you’re here now.”

“Kaufmo… I need to find someone. She should be here, too…” Jax said. He listened to Kaufmo’s words, but his mind was increasingly becoming fixated on finding her.

Jax looked around as the glitching and flashing calmed. He stood in a room, one that looked as realistic as his hands. He took another look at Kaufmo, who had the same eerie realism.

The room looked like an office, with desks and computers lining the walls.

“Alright. Come on, let’s go find her.” Kaufmo said, walking towards the door.

As they walked out of the room, Jax stopped when he took in what he was seeing. It looked like a town, cozy and quaint. There was grass, benches, streetlights. The streets bustled with different looking characters, none of them that he had seen before. For the first time since he had been in the circus, his senses felt completely overwhelmed. He could smell the flowers, he could feel the wind on his face. But it wasn’t like the subdued digital physical senses he got so used to. It felt so real.

Jax immediately started walking aimlessly, completely focused on finding her again.

“Come on, let’s go check the park,” said Kaufmo, directing him down the sidewalk.

Jax’s mind echoed Kaufmo’s words as they walked. ‘That place simply wasn’t meant to handle human emotions like that.’

“Hey, Kauffy…”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think I abstracted from going crazy about an exit. Well, I thought that I had abstracted because I may or may not have fucked with Caine…”

“Jax, what did you do?!”

“Listen, listen. Has anyone ever abstracted from just pure, extreme emotions other than the fear and dread of being trapped?”

“I guess it’s possible. What emotions are you even talking about?”

Jax didn’t say anything else as he analyzed Kaufmo’s words.

There’s no fucking way I abstracted because of…

Her.

He stopped dead in his tracks as his eyes locked onto her.

She stood there in the park, back facing him as she was talking to someone.

He wanted to sprint towards her, but felt a strange bought of hesitation.

“Jax, is that your friend?”

“Uh. Yes…”

“Why do you look so… nervous?”

“I… Kaufmo, I can’t wait to introduce you to her. She’s the absolute fucking love of my life.”

Chapter Text

Didn’t I just abstract? Why… how am I even alive right now?!

I was convinced abstracting was just a dream. A horrible nightmare, featuring my biggest fear. Losing Jax, losing myself.

But I wasn’t in my room, or his room. I was in a weird part of the circus, a room I didn’t recognize. I carefully tried to take in my surroundings.

Why does this feel so weird and different?

For a split second, I thought that I had escaped the circus, until I looked down at myself, greeted by the same bizarre digital body. I blinked a few times as I studied myself, and quickly realized that my body looked- and felt- very different from before.

Did Caine upgrade our graphics or something…?

I noticed the fullness in my chest, focusing on the disturbing feeling of my heartbeat.

Wait… why is this so real? Did I escape? Did I always look like this…? No…

“Welcome, darling!”

I snapped my head around at the kind voice. I was used to hearing the same voices all the time, so this new one was a bit startling.

I looked up at them. She was a tall chess piece, adorned in an impressive purple robe.

Oh…! Is that…

I recognized her right away from seeing her crossed out picture on the door. My mind immediately turned to Kinger.

“Wait, what’s going on…?”

“I’m Queenie. You might know someone named Kinger, yeah? I hope he’s doing alright… here, calm down, let me tell you what’s going on.”

“Didn’t I just abstract?!”

“Well, yes. You did. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I know that waking up in these strange places must be getting sort of old, right? Well, lucky for you, this will be the last time! Ah, I didn’t mean for that to sound so ominous… here, let me tell you about this place.”

*********************

“I’m dead… I’m dead?!”

This can’t be happening…

It was surreal. Even more so than the circus. Oddly enough, despite this agonizingly confusing situation, I felt somewhat… okay. I should be absolutely breaking down right now, knowing my real body is dead. I should be absolutely horrified, not just confused and freaked out.

I tried to clear my mind.

“Queenie… I- I think that everyone else back at the circus might have abstracted, too. Kinger, he might be here… I don’t know, something really weird was going on. Caine was losing control, and Jax- wait, what about Jax?! Is he here, too?!”

Her eyes widened at me, just a bit. “Calm down, honey. I’m sure he’s around here somewhere. Sounds like we both might have someone we need to reunite with.”

I looked up at her. Her presence was oddly calming. She had such a confident, motherly disposition.

I sighed.

“I can’t believe this whole time I could have just… abstracted and everything would have been fine.”

I thought about how long Queenie has been here, waiting and waiting for Kinger to arrive. And all those years of Kinger thinking she was gone…

“I think you’ll like it here,” Queenie said. If she had a mouth, I’m sure it would be smiling. “Just relax. This is a big day here in the Kingdom Realm.”

“The... what?”

“Well, that’s what we call it. Come on, let’s go find your friends.”

I walked with Queenie, trying to process everything that she was telling me.

“So, this is sort of like… heaven or something?”

She chuckled. “Well, I guess you could call it that. Your consciousness has simply been uploaded here, and it doesn’t seem like there’s any way for us to perish anymore. You might not feel the eternal bliss that heaven claims to promise, but I’m sure that you’ll be very happy here. You can really do anything.”

No matter how relieved I was to be okay, I couldn’t shake the incredible frustration of knowing that this place existed all along.

And what did she mean by “it’s a big day here”??

As we approached the park, I saw a group of people.

“Oh…!”

I ran over, a sense of relief immediately washing over me as I saw them.

Ragatha, Pomni, Zooble, Gangle, Kinger…

“Oh my goodness! I am so happy to see you, you have no idea!” Ragatha cried, nearly lifting my feet off the ground as she hugged me.

I looked around at everyone, taking in the refreshing sight. Everyone looked so… happy. Oddly realistic, but happy.

“My comedy mask doesn’t come off anymore!” Gangle exclaimed, this time her tears indicating joy.

“That’s great! Oh, Pomni-“

She still looked a bit anxious, but the smile on her face was incredibly reassuring.

“Hah… I knew there was a way out of the Circus. Wasn’t expecting this, but…”

I was so caught up with seeing everyone again that I barely noticed the intense embrace between Kinger and Queenie. The subtle unease I had from trying to figure this place out was quickly being replaced by the overwhelming joy that radiated from all of my friends. I watched Kinger and Queenie hold each other, the tender moment making my own eyes misty.

“Uh, is… Jax here?” I asked, looking around for any sign of him.

“I haven’t seen him, yet… he abstracted too?” Ragatha asked.

“Uh, yeah…”

“What happened?” Pomni asked.

“Well… im not completely sure, honestly. I thought that Jax like, killed Caine or something?”

I heard Queenie laugh. “Oh, honey, that’s impossible. Caine cannot be killed. He’s merely an AI.”

“But…”

“Well, something weird happened at the circus. It’s like… all of the sudden, all the anxiety and horror exploded inside of me, and before I knew it… I was here,” Pomni said. “It happened really fast.”

Ragatha looked over at Pomni with sad eyes. “After I watched Pomni abstract, it felt like my heart shattered. It was like all of my emotions became completely amplified, and-“

“I think something must have happened that made us all collectively go crazy or something. Cuz I was completely fine, and before I knew it, it felt like I couldn’t handle my own emotions anymore,” Zooble added.

“It sounds like something might have happened that made it impossible for the Circus to handle your emotions,” Queenie explained. “That place isn’t meant for that. Honestly, I figured this was going to happen for a while, now. With each person that ends up here, it seems like the humans that were in the circus were becoming more and more… human. Until the ‘game’ couldn’t handle it anymore.”

I thought of Jax again, and something clicked.

Oh my god.

He said I’m the one that made him insane… was this all my fault? Did I trigger something in him?

I thought about when I was locked away, feeling like a virus.

Was I? Why was my code so weird? Did it really affect everyone else’s? What did I do to Jax?! Why did-

“Look, you guys have a lot of time to learn about this place. Let’s just enjoy the reunion, alright?” Queenie said, Kinger clinging onto her with his eyes closed. They looked so happy, it almost hurt.

“Hey, Ragatha…? Can I ask you something?” I said, stepping to the side with her.

“Oh- sure! What’s going on?”

“Do you happen to… remember everything about the circus? I mean, like, everything?”

“Yeah, I do. But now’s not the time for questions! I know you probably really want to find Jax, huh?”

Well, that answered that.

I remembered everything, and it seemed like everyone else did, too. I didn’t want to hide how I felt about him. I watched the gentle embrace between Kinger and Queenie, wishing that I could have my own reunion with the person that held my heart. I needed to see him. I needed to be with him again, to hold him, to-

“Jax!”

Ragatha’s excited voice saying his name snapped me out of it, and I froze in my tracks.

**********************

~JAX’S POINT OF VIEW~

“I… Kaufmo, I can’t wait to introduce you to her. She’s the absolute fucking love of my life.”

Jax stood there and took in what he was seeing.

Ragatha, Gangle, Zooble, Kinger… and her.

It was her.

Kaufmo’s eyes lit up at the sight of everyone, a nervous, yet excited gasp coming from his mouth.

“Jax, everyone’s here…?”

Jax didn’t pay any attention to what Kaufmo was saying. He continued to stand there, looking at her like he was witnessing an angel.

His feet moved towards her, as if on their own. It was like he was floating. He couldn’t comprehend this feeling, it was like a dream seeing her, yet she never looked so real.

“Jax!”

Ragatha ran over to hug him.

“Eh, nice to see you too, dollface…” Jax said, reluctantly patting her head as he snapped out of his trance. He was admittedly happy to see everyone, but there was only one person that he needed to see again.

She turned around at the sound of his voice.

“Jax…?”

“Sweetheart…”

Looking into her eyes once again filled him with the warmest, most divine feeling he had ever felt. Every ounce of uncertainty about this weird place disappeared as she crashed into him.

Everything else around him vanished. He unapologetically embraced her, nearly crushing her as he held onto her, with a questionably irrational fear that she would disappear again if he let go.

She nuzzled into his chest, quiet sobs escaping her lungs as she spoke,

“Jax… this is it… I’m so happy you’re here, I…”

“I thought I lost you…”

“Jax, I remember everything. I remember…”

He leaned back, holding her face as she looked up at him.

He was speechless. The only thing that existed in that moment was her. Jax studied his girl, looking over every detail of her newly rendered face. Her eyes had so much depth that he could never see before. Her skin felt warm, warmer than ever. She felt so, so physically real.

“Awwww~” Gangle squealed, watching their reunion.

“Hey, mind your business,” Jax snapped, but with a sly grin that exuded obvious happiness.

“Wow, I’ve never seen you this happy before, Jax. I’m so happy for you two!” Ragatha swooned.

“Alright, alright. We can have a dumb reuinion party later or something, but can you guys give me a minute?!” Jax said, grabbing his sweetheart by the wrist. “Come on, I gotta talk to you.”

As much as she didn’t want to leave her friends, she knew she quite literally had all the time in the world to be with them, and to make new friends, too. She happily let Jax guide her to a bench a few yards away from the group.

They sat down, watching them from a distance as they each gave Kaufmo a hug, chatting and laughing with each other.

“I was so afraid that I lost you, Jax… God, I am so, so happy to be with you again,” she said.

She noticed that his eyes were locked on their group of friends.

“Everything okay?”

Jax smirked, his eyes finding hers again.

“Actually, yeah. This sounds stupid, but I think I’m actually, like… happy?”

“Aww, well why wouldn’t you be?” she asked with a giggle.

“I’m glad to see Kaufmo again. I’m glad to be out of the dumb circus. And I’m… really glad to see you again,” Jax admitted.

She leaned her head on his shoulder. “I’m happy too, Jax… I’m also kinda surprised you were being so lovey in front of everyone~”

Jax blushed as he looked away from her. “Oh, shut it. I don’t care what they think. I was just excited, okay? What, I can’t be excited?”

She laughed at how defensive he was getting, wrapping her arms around him again. “You’re so funny.”

“Funny?!” he said. He sounded offended, but his arms that returned her hug said otherwise.

They both felt like they had so much to say, but they felt an unspoken mutual understanding that they simply didn’t want to talk much at the moment. They just wanted to soak each other up.

They studied their surroundings, feeling the refreshing breeze and comforting sunshine. The group of friends continued to mingle, until Ragatha started to walk over to the two.

“Guys, it sounds like there’s going to be a celebration later. You’ll come right?” she said.

Jax rolled his eyes, “Is there going to be food? All of this excitement is making me hungry.”

“Well, I’m sure there will be! And from what I’ve heard, this place has VERY realistic food. In fact, everything here is so real… I feel incredible.”

Jax wrapped his arm around his girl tighter as he took in Ragatha’s words.

“Alright, well I’ll see you there. If I feel like it,” he said.

Ragatha smiled as she walked away.

“Hey, Jax… what do you think happened with Caine?”

“Honestly, I… have no idea. I knew things were weird, but I had no idea that the circus literally… broke?”

“Was it because of me? Did I break the circus?!”

“Ha, probably,” he teased.

“I’m serious! I don’t know, I guess it just sounds like this was a long time coming… we were never meant to be there. It made us crazy, and Queenie said that each person was becoming more and more emotionally potent. This is where we were meant to be, Jax.”

He smiled at her, not wanting to ever look away.

“Hey, I need to introduce you to Kaufmo, alright? Come on.”

They walked back over to the group. Jax grabbed her, pulling her close as he gave Kaufmo a grin.

“Look, Kauffy- this is my girlfriend.”

He showed her off, pride radiating from him.

“Kaufmo… it’s so nice to be able to meet you,” she said, trying to fight the blush across her cheeks as Jax dangled her.

“I never thought I would see the day. It sounds like you make Jax really happy. Thank you for being there for him.”

“Aw, of course, I-“

“ALRIGHT, alright. No need to get all sappy and weird,” Jax grumbled.

Jax couldn’t remember the last time he was feeling so many positive emotions. It was new, and admittedly uncomfortable for him. He watched the love of his life get ripped away from him, and now she was here, and everything was okay. Was it really? He couldn’t help but to be suspicious of the situation.

I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve her, or any of these friends…

“You okay, Jax?”

He looked down into her lively eyes. His chest throbbed with love, leaving him feeling more uncomfortable than ever. But it was incredible. He never wanted to feel anything else. He needed more. He was positively addicted to how she made him feel.

“I’m okay,” he sighed. His hands didn’t leave hers. “This is just… all really weird.”

“I know. It is. But don’t worry, we have each other, okay? It sounds like everything is going to be okay now.”

She never failed to calm his aching mind.

“You really wanna go to that party later?” he asked.

“I think it would be a lot of fun!”

“Alright, fine. We can go. But you’re staying with me the whole time, alright? I don’t really feel like being without you again.”

She smiled at his words. If it were anyone else, she would have thought he sounded a bit possessive. But she knew that was only his way of saying he missed her.

“Hey, do we have, like… rooms? Like we did at the circus?” Jax asked, glancing at Kaufmo.

“You should have your very own homes, actually. If we stop by the town hall, I’m sure your keys will be ready by now,” Kaufmo said.

“Well then let’s go. I need to relax for a bit.”

The group followed Kaufmo as they made their way to the town hall building.

It was a grand building, almost resembling a castle. It sat proudly in the center of the cozy, bustling town.

Jax tried desperately to pinpoint exactly what he was feeling as they walked. He had been so reluctant to show his emotions before, and now here he was, expressing his affection in front of everyone. He wanted to feel sickened at himself, but… he couldn’t.

Is this what it’s like to be happy…? It’s so… weird.

It was weird, and hard to believe.

This is all way too good to be true.

It crossed his mind that this was a dream, but it couldn’t be. It was all way too real. Is this a sick joke that Caine is playing on him to get back at him? Is this some weird adventure? Out of everyone, why did he deserve to be somewhere comparable with literal heaven?

He didn’t realize how tightly he was holding her hand, until she spoke.

“Geez, what are you, nervous or something? Are you sure everything’s okay, Jax?” she said, letting go of his grip, stretching her aching fingers.

“Oh. Sorry. Yeah, I’m good.”

She flinched at the sudden coldness in his tone.

“Alright…”

Silence.

After they retrieved their keys, they were left with a few hours before the celebration.

“Don’t be late, you two! See ya in a bit!” Ragatha said, excitedly walking over to her new home.

“Jax, can you even believe this right now?! We get our own home… I didn’t think this could ever happen.”

“Hey… aren’t you a little, I don’t know, weirded out by all of this?”

“I mean… yeah. I guess I am. It’s confusing, scary, and different. I guess I’m just so happy to be with you, it’s hard to think about all that bad stuff. I’m surprisingly feeling great, actually.”

“I’m happy, too. Believe me. Just… kinda sus. I dunno.”

She giggled. “Jax, I think you’re just not used to being happy. I think you’re expecting something bad to happen, because that’s all you know.”

Jax was quiet for a moment, feeling almost creeped out by the accuracy of her statement.

“How do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“How do you know how my mind works better than I do?”

“Ha! Jax. I’ve spent so long being confused by you and trying to figure you out. I always suspected I knew more about you than I thought, but now you’re just not denying it anymore,” she smirked.

“Damn. Alright. Well then, what am I thinking about right now?”

“Honestly, I kind of feel like you’re thinking about what it’s gonna be like to fuck around with our… super realistic bodies.”

“You hoe. I wasn’t even thinking that! I mean, I am now…”

She giggled at him again. Her laugh quite literally had the power to heal every ounce of him. She was right, though. He wasn’t used to being happy like this. He knew it would take a while for him to really believe it, but this is exactly what he always wanted.

Chapter Text

Thinking back to my life before… all this, my memories were much more clear in the Kingdom Realm than in the Circus. Although I still couldn’t remember the little details, I remembered what it was like having my own place. I remembered going to work everyday, coming back home to my lonely apartment, and sitting down to play video games. Only to wake up the next day and do it all over again.

As I found out, the Digital Circus was, in fact, a video game of sorts.
Something must have happened to me when I was alive. A car accident? Was I sick? I would never know. But in my last moments of life, the headset was put on, with intention of sending me here. But I ended up in the circus instead, along with a few others. The circus couldn’t handle us anymore, and now we have finally made it to the place we were supposed to be all along.

Perhaps I wasn’t supposed to remember much of my old life. Maybe it would make me too sad. All of the people I left behind… if I had any, that is. Regardless, I had people now. Incredible friends, albeit flawed, but that’s how I knew they were just as human as me.

Our new house was incredibly cozy. It was modest in size, not too big and not too small. The walls were adorned with kitschy decor and lovely plants, the wooden windows letting in the soothing yellow light from outside. Jax and I walked around, everything already furnished and ready for us. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so calm and comfortable.

As we walked into our bedroom, a huge wardrobe stood against the wall. I ran over and opened it, greeted by a plethora of clothes.

“Jax! You can finally wear something else other than those pink overalls, what do you think about that?!”

I sifted through the clothes, admiring and squealing over all of the cute options.

“Oooh, Jax, what should we wear to the party?!”

I turned around and looked at our huge bed, coated with fluffy blankets and pillows.

“Ah! This looks so cozy! And look, it’s so big your feet won’t dangle off the edge!” I giggled.

“Oh, and look at the view. Can you even believe we get to wake up like this every morning?!” I said, peering out the bedroom window.

I looked over at Jax again, only to find him looking… very unamused.

“What’s wrong? You don’t like it?”

“No, I do. It’s fine, I guess.”

My heart dropped. Why wasn’t he matching my excitement? I mean, I knew he wasn’t necessarily one to get giddy about things like this, but I thought he would at least seem a bit more… interested.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, sitting down on the bed.

“Nothing. I’m glad I get to be here with you.”

“Alriiight… well, do you wanna… pick out an outfit for later?”

“Pick one out for me. I’m sure you’ll find something good. I’m gonna go check out the rest of the place,” Jax said, already walking out of the room.

I watched in silence as he walked out.

What’s his problem…?

I tried not to let it get to me. I was way too excited about this whole situation, and I was even more eager to go to the party to see everyone again.

I continued looking through the clothes, one side of the wardrobe with clothes made for me, and the other side for him. It was incredible how they were created so obviously for us; everything in this home was so precisely and carefully created with us in mind. It was perfect. So why was Jax acting so weird and distant? Sure, this whole thing was pretty overwhelming and weird… but we have each other, and we are okay. I assumed he was still just trying to process everything. I told myself I would make sure he had a great time at the party. After everything, the thing I wanted most was to see him truly happy.

“OKAY, Jax! Come here, I found the perfect outfits.”

I waited for him as I laid them out on the bed. I found a cute black dress, with puffy sleeves and a sweetheart neckline. And for him, I found a grey button up shirt, with black dress pants.

“Jaaaax?”

He walked in, looking at what I laid out.

“What, are we going to a funeral or something? What’s with all the dark colors?”

I glared at him. “You said I could pick something out for us. The party sounded kind of fancy, so I thought these were formal and classy, you know?”

“Alright. Let me try it on,” he said.

His distant behavior was starting to upset me. I watched as he walked out of the room again with his outfit. I sighed, beginning to change into mine.

After putting on the dress, I walked out to find him standing in the living room, looking in the mirror at his outfit.

“Awww you look so handsome!”

He glanced over at me, looking almost… uncomfortable?

“You look nice, too,” he said.

I let out a deep sigh at his cold tone. “Okay, come on. Tell me what’s wrong. You’re acting weird.”

“What do you mean? I’m fine. I said you look nice.”

I thought we were past this.

“You just don’t seem very excited. Like, at all. Can you please tell me what’s wrong?”

He smiled and walked over to me, putting his hands on my shoulders as he looked into my eyes.

“I’m just getting used to things, okay? Don’t worry about it, baby. We will have a great time tonight.”

“O-okay… well if something’s wrong, you can tell me. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know.”

He leaned down, kissing me on my forehead. The feeling lit a fire inside of my stomach. Every tender gesture from him was electrifying, even more so here in this new place. I wanted to grab him, pull him close, and let our bodies melt together.
But after he kissed me, he turned around and walked away. I wanted more. I wanted every ounce of him, body and soul, more than ever…

“Hey, look at this room we have,” he said, snapping me out of my daze.

I caught up to him as he opened a door around the corner.

“Oh my God, are you kidding me?!” I exclaimed as I looked around.

The huge dome ceiling was transparent, letting in the warm light of the setting sun, illuminating the glittery tile floor. More plants and flowers sat around, with a giant bean bag looking cushion in the middle of the floor.

“We have our own observatory?! Just like in the circus! Aw, Jax… this is absolutely perfect. How did they know…?”

“Seems like the AI here is more advanced than we thought possible, huh?” he said, a calm smile still on his face.

“I can’t believe this is happening. If I didn’t know any better I would assume this is all a dream. Are you sure this isn’t actually heaven?!”

His smile fell just a bit as he looked back up at the ceiling.

“You wanna start making our way over to the party?”

“Oh. Uh, sure. You’re ready?”

“I guess so.”

I smiled at him, but he still had that closed off, dull look in his eyes as he smiled back.

*******************************

The party was absolutely bustling with guests. I couldn’t remember the last time I was in such a large crowd that wasn’t NPC’s. It was a bit overstimulating, but I was incredibly excited nonetheless.

We found our table, greeted by Kinger, Queenie, Zooble, and Gangle.

“Hello!” Gangle greeted us, sitting next to Zooble. She looked happier than ever, it was so refreshing to see.

“We’re just waiting on Ragatha, Pomni, and Kaufmo now, I guess. You guys check out the buffet yet?” Zooble said.

“Oh, no we just got here. Wanna grab some food, Jax?”

“Yeah, sure.”

As we walked over to the long buffet table, I spotted Kaufmo helping himself to a large plate of food.

“Hey, it’s Kaufmo!” I said, hoping it would cheer Jax up a little.

We walked over to him, grabbing our own plates.

I focused on filling my plate as Jax and Kaufmo chatted. I couldn’t hear exactly what they were saying, it was pretty loud in there. After I filled my plate, I looked over to them. Jax’s plate was empty. I assumed he was just focused on their conversation. I walked back to my table and saw Ragatha and Pomni there. I sat down at my seat, my eyes still locked on Jax and Kaufmo. Did Jax even notice I walked away…?

“Hey there! I’m so glad you guys came,” Ragatha said. “And I’m so glad Jax has Kaufmo again… hah, look at them, chatting away. How cute.”

I grinned, but I could still tell something was weird. Didn’t Jax tell me to stick with him during the party? His distant attitude was becoming painful, and I was worried.

What are they talking about…?

I stared down at my plate. The food looked immaculate. I was so excited for this… why didn’t I feel hungry anymore?

Finally, Jax and Kaufmo came back to the table with their plates. Jax sat next to me, letting out an exhausted sounding grunt. I looked down at his plate that had nothing but a roll and a few slices of cheese on it.

“Not hungry?” I asked.

“Meh.”

What the hell is going on with him?!

I sat and ate, focusing my energy on catching up with the others. The mix of emotions I had was confusing. Part of me still felt so overjoyed, but I knew I was going to have to figure out why Jax seemed so downright depressed. There was just too much commotion going on to talk to him right now. I scanned the room to see if I could find a quieter place to potentially have a conversation with him.

Suddenly, the lights in the room dimmed. The loud chatter that filled the room muted, and my eyes found the stage at the front of the room that lit up. A loud, familiar voice pierced my ears.

“HELLO, EVERYONE! THANK YOU FOR JOINING US!”

“Oh my God- Jax, is that-“

We watched as Caine appeared on stage, looking more enthusiastic than ever. He had the same uncanny, realistic look just like the rest of us had now.

It was a little creepy.

I heard gasps and whispers fill the room, some nervous and some excited.

“Jax, I thought Caine was gone… what’s going on?!” I whispered to him.

He looked up at Caine as well, a nervous gaze washing over him as Caine continued his speech.

“I know it may be a bit of a shock to see me again, but I am here!“

He continued to speak, explaining that he was still an AI, but upgraded. It sounded like this was where he was meant to be as well, and now that he is here, the Kingdom Realm can finally become the pseudo-heaven it was meant to be.

“No wonder our house was eerily accurate to what we like…” I whispered again to Jax. He kept silent, his eyes locked on Caine.

“Now, I sincerely hope that each and every one of you find happiness here. If you ever want to go on another adventure, let me know! Ha! Just kidding! Maybe…”

I saw Pomni shudder.

The lights came back on as Caine left the stage. I looked at the rest of the group, each of us graced with a bewildered expression.

“Oh, darn! Guess we didn’t kill him after all then, huh?”Jax finally spoke, a familiar and oddly comforting sarcasm radiating from him.

I let out a giggle, but not from his humor. A cautious chuckle, comforted by a glimpse of his normal self.

“Well, I like Caine, honestly,” said Kaufmo. “He’s just trying to do his job. He doesn’t mean any ill will.”

“Yeah, but he’s still a dick,” mumbled Jax.

“You’re one to talk.” said Ragatha.

“Woah! What’s with the insults, dollface?”

“Jax, you know exactly what I’m talking about-“

“Alright, alright. Enough, you two,” said Queenie.

I smirked at their bickering.

Things were starting to feel a bit more normal.

But, as we all ate and chatted for a while, I noticed that Jax hadn’t said one word to me. He sat beside me, but I felt like he wasn’t paying much attention to me. I didn’t want to be selfish, I mean… he was just reunited with Kaufmo. I knew he would want to catch up with him. But after a while of trying to include myself in their conversation, I was getting downright annoyed. I looked back up at the buffet table, and noticed a display of champagne glasses set out. I got up to help myself.

I walked over, staring at the glasses in front of me. I peered over at Jax across the room, engrossed in his conversation with Kaufmo. I grabbed a glass, swirling the champagne around.

Ha. Can we get drunk here? Whatever, I guess I’ll find out.

I grabbed another glass before I sat back down, setting one of them in front of Jax.

He smirked, “No thanks, I’m good.”

“Oh. Okay, more for me then.”

I drank mine faster than I intended, already leaving me with a slight buzz. My eyes wandered over to Pomni as I drowned out the sound of Jax and Kaufmo’s conversation.

“Hey, Pomni! What’s the matter? You don’t wanna have any more adventures?” I teased.

“Ugh, I don’t even wanna think about it…” she said.

I tried to immerse myself in my own conversations, secretly waiting for Jax to acknowledge me again. But I was getting increasingly annoyed, desperate for his attention.

“SIGH…” I exhaled dramatically, as I leaned onto his shoulder.

“You good?”

“Jaaaax… why won’t you talk to me?”

“I’m talking to you right now.”

“Yeah, but you haven’t talked to me like, barely at all tonight!” I responded, nuzzling my face in his shoulder.

He leaned away a bit, sending a dreadful pain through my heart.

I sat upright again, grabbing the champagne glass I got for him and taking a big swig.

“You tryna get fucked up or something?” he said with, what I perceived as, a judgmental tone.

Okay, he was really starting to piss me off.

“I had ONE GLASS. It’s champagne. It barely has any alcohol in it. I can’t have a good time?”

He seemed irritated.

I scoffed. “I just don’t know why you’re acting so weird,” I said, downing another gulp.

He was quiet for a few moments, until he grabbed my hand.

“Sorry. This is just a lot for me,” he whispered.

“Yeah, I know. It’s crazy, isn’t it?! We are in like… literal heaven. And Caine is here?! Whaaaat?”

“Are you already drunk?”

“No… just a little buzzed,” I said, trying to accurately identify my current state of mind. I wasn’t lying. I definitely wasn’t drunk. Just a little extra bubbly from the alcohol, I suppose.

“Well, don’t drink too much, okay? Set down that glass and come with me,” he said.

“Oh… alright?”

I watched as he stood up, reaching his hand out to help me up. I grabbed it, not able to tear my eyes away from his.

“Awww~ what a gentleman~” I heard Gangle say as she watched us.

“Shut up, Ribbons,” Jax grumbled, as he took my hand and pulled me towards him. I stumbled from the sudden yank.

Jax led me to the hallway, where it was a bit more calm and quiet. There were still a few people standing around mingling. He looked around, and grabbed my hand again.

“Still too many people. Come on, let’s go outside,” he said.

We walked out into the night. A refreshing cool breeze hit my face, and I inhaled.
Finally, a quiet moment.

I exhaled slowly to try to clear my fuzzy mind.

“Listen. I’m sorry if I was acting weird. I told you, I am happy. This is just weird for me,” he said.

I looked up at him, a confusing mix of admiration and irritation filling my chest.

“I don’t mean to ignore you or anything,” he continued.

He sighed, sitting on the nearby bench.

“Jax… I know this is a lot. I’m sorry that I got upset, I just wanted to have a good time with you…”

I still knew I wasn’t drunk, but definitely buzzed enough to easily speak my mind.

“It’s just. I wanted you to pay attention to me. But it felt like you were ignoring me, and you were acting really weird all day, and I missed you, and I don’t know, things just seem weird, and-“

“Sweetheart. Stop. You’re acting like we don’t have literally forever here together.”

“I know. I’m sorry, I just-“

“Stop apologizing.”

“Stop interrupting me.”

His eyes narrowed at my snappy tone, but he spoke with a gentle tone,

“I want you to have a good time, but stop acting like I’m ignoring you. You know how much you mean to me.”

“But Jax, you’ve been acting weird. I’m not stupid. I know you. Why the fuck won’t you tell me what’s wrong? Obviously something else is bothering you, and you won’t tell me!”

He grabbed my hands, guiding me to sit down next to him. He leaned towards me, and I felt his face brush against my ear, and he whispered,

“I have to tell you something that I don’t think I’ve really told you before.”

My heart dropped.

I noticed his hands shaking.

“Uh… what?”

He pulled me closer.

“Well, if I tell you, do you promise to stop being an insecure little brat?” He said, his tone now much more mocking than gentle.

“Jax… come on. You’re scaring me.”

He scoffed.

I waited, my heart rate rising exponentially. This new, realistic body amplifying the sound of my own heartbeat pounding in my head.

I felt sick.

“Jax, you can’t just act weird all day, tell me you need to tell me something, and then go quiet. What’s wrong?!”

He shot me an irritating smirk. 

“Well, technically I’ve already told you this before, but I don’t think you actually heard me.”

“Uh…”

He turned his head, his intense gaze turning uncharacteristically soft, his eyes desperately scanning mine, his voice shook as he continued,

“I need to tell you…

um.

that I love you.”

Chapter Text

Oh.

His words permeated my mind, ringing in my ears.

‘I love you.’

I had the urge to break eye contact, but couldn’t find it in myself to do so. I’ve never seen such softness in his expression before.
It was mesmerizing.

“I love you, too,” I blurted out. It was natural, like I had never been more sure of anything in my life.

“I wish I told you sooner,” Jax said, his voice low and vulnerable. He looked uncharacteristically ashamed.

He flinched as I threw my arms around him, a hug less romantic, more of a frantic cling.

I spent all night upset, thinking something was going on. I should have known. I barely noticed how huge my smile was.

“Is that why you’ve been acting weird all day? Were you… afraid to tell me that?”

He leaned away in offense.

“Not afraid! I just- I dunno. I don’t… want to feel this way.”

Usually that would have stung, but I could tell his statement came from a place of fear more than anything else.

“Jax…” I held him a bit more gently. “Why not?”

I knew why.

“Well- everything happened so fast. I never wanted to love you, or anyone because… I knew it would hurt too much if I lost you. And then… I thought I did lose you, and-“

He sounded distraught.

“Hey. I’m here. We are here, where we’re meant to be. Please don’t be afraid. I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

His pupils widened vacantly at my response, like he was using all the brainpower possible to comprehend my words.

He blinked and shook his head. “Well. I guess that’s something you’ll have to prove to me overtime, huh.”

I smiled.

His eyes glanced down at my grin and, for the first time in a while now I saw a calm glimmer of genuine happiness in his growing smirk. His brows furrowed.

“God. You are…”

“I’m what?” I asked, expecting a sarcastic comment.

“Really… really, cool.”

I giggled, pulling him in close again.

We sat in the quiet night, not a word spoken, his head resting on mine.

The air was misty and calm.

It felt like I took my first breath.

Relief. 

**************

It was much easier to tell time in the Kingdom Realm. Things were different here. Well, compared to the circus at least.

It was actually more reminiscent of real life, with a few random digital quirks here and there. We could quite literally do anything we wanted. I personally enjoyed the structure, rather than being forced to go on random, traumatizing adventures every day.

I woke up to the soft glow of the morning sun, turning over to see if Jax was awake.
I was met with his snoring face, drool trickling down his chin.
My mouth twitched into a smirk.

Jax still had his moments of apprehension. I knew it was hard for him to be vulnerable, but the fact that he could be like that with me made my heart melt. Even in a place like this, it’s not like there’s such thing as a “happily ever after”. Things couldn’t be perfect, but… it felt pretty damn close.

What I could say for sure, is that I was happy. And I think he was, too.

I poked at his cheek.

“Wake uuup, sleepy head~”

He snorted, peeking one eye open at me. He grunted and turned away.

“10 more minutes, please. No, 30 minutes,” he whined as he adjusted the blanket that laid over us.

Sigh

“Jaaax, we gotta get ready for Ragatha’s birthday party! I told her we would help set up.”

He whined, “I don’t waaanna go to another party. I wanna stay in bed with you.”

I huffed as I watched him fall in and out of sleep.

I turned around again and opened the blinds, hearing Jax hiss at the sudden light.

“Nooooo…”

“Come on, Jax. You’re being pathetic,” I teased.

I felt his warm body press against my back, his arms wrapping around me.

I didn’t want to get up either.

“I had such a stupid dream,” Jax mumbled, still half asleep.

“Hah, oh yeah? Tell me about it.”

His big hands held onto me as he continued,

“I had a dream that we got married.”

I froze, feeling my breath catch in my throat.

“…oh yeah? Why was it stupid?”

He let out a soft chuckle.

“Cuz. Imagine if that were to actually happen. Kinda dumb, right?”

I was silent for a moment as I pondered it.

“I mean… it’s not like we can’t do that here. Right? It wouldn’t really mean anything legally, I guess. But I’d get to call you my husband.”

I could tell he was much more awake now.

“I dunno. I don’t think I’m husband material. Not the type to be tied down,” he said with a smirk.

“Hmm, alright then. I guess I’ll just be someone else’s wife, then~”

“What?! No!” He sat up, propping himself up with his elbow. “Don’t say dumb stuff like that.”

I laughed. “You’re the one who said you don’t wanna be tied down.”

“I was kidding! Geez, can’t you tell when I’m kidding already?!”

“I’m just messing with you, Jax!”

“You’re sooo… annoying,” he said, falling face first into his pillow.

“You’re one to talk.”

He was definitely awake now.

He sat up, tackling me playfully into the mattress.

“Keep talking back, babe. See what happens,” he teased.

I giggled, wrestling with him as we bantered back and forth.

Suddenly, his face changed. Like he just realized something. His pupils got wide.

“Do you wanna get married?” he blurted out.

Is he… being serious? I didn’t know how to respond. Is this a proposal?

“Uhh…” was all I could say as I tried to process his words.

“I’m serious.”
His face definitely looked serious. He didn’t tear his huge eyes away from mine.

“Is this… how you’re asking me to marry you?”

His pupils shrunk down back to normal as he plopped beside me.

“God damn it. I fucked it up already, didn’t I? I’m supposed to have a ring, right? Is there even a ring store here?!”

“Hah, Jax… it’s okay!”

He looked at me again.

“Let me propose at Ragatha’s birthday party,” he said with a smirk. “That would piss her off.”

“Oh my God, Jax. No.”

I watched the gears in his brain turn when I saw what I swore was a brief look of fear flash across his face.

“Nah. Forget I said anything. I’m just… impulsive. Remember?”

“Jax. I know that you might not fully realize this yet, but I know you. I promise you don’t have to be afraid.”

He plopped back down on his back, covering his face with his eyes.

“Whatever.”

I smiled at him. “We have all the time in the world. Let’s just… enjoy our time here okay? And for the record… I would love to marry you.”

“Alright, well. Maybe someday,” he said, as I caught a bright flash of red cover his face as he turned away.

I held onto him a bit longer, a bit tighter. I couldn’t help but let images of us having a wedding together cross my mind. It felt so weird to think about. I’d say I can’t believe he’s the one that brought it up, but if I’ve learned anything about this man, is that he has a soft, bruised heart with a crumbling stone exterior.

“Hey, remember what you told me last night?” I asked.

“Huh? No. What’d I say?”

I knew he was being difficult on purpose.

“You told me that you loved me. I just… wanted to tell you how happy that made me feel.”

He scoffed. “Yeah, well. I had a moment of vulnerability I guess. Sorry you had to see that.”

“Jax, don’t apologize for showing your emotions. I’m so incredibly proud of how far you’ve come.”

He covered his ears like a child.

“Blah blah blah. That’s all I hear.”

I knew his words weren’t coming from a place of hostility. Immature and closed off, sure. But he didn’t seem upset.

I flicked his nose.

“The hell was that about?!”

“I love you, Jax. Thank you for making me feel this way. You might not be perfect, and neither am I. But I think you’re perfect for me,” I tried to be extra mushy on purpose to fluster him, push his buttons a bit.

He let out an exaggerated sigh. I knew he had a rough day yesterday, so I didn’t wanna push it too far.

“So again… thanks for telling me that. You make this new life worth it, Jax.”

He glanced at me, the softness in his eyes returning as his pupils grew again.

He was silent.

…

“Quit staring at me with your pupils all big like that, it’s creepy,” I teased.

He blinked.

“What kind of rings do you like? Totally unrelated to anything, by the way. Just curious,” he said.

I chuckled.

“Okay, listen! I’m not good with my words, okay!? Let me just… show you how I feel about you, okay?” he said.

“We have all the time in the world. God knows you’ll need it,” I smiled.

His smile returned as he grabbed me, holding me tighter than I was expecting.

“You’re so corny, sweetheart. And, uh… thanks. I guess.”

I nuzzled into his chest.

Maybe this life was perfect.