Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Part 1: Return

We've been here forever

And here's the frozen proof

I could scream forever

We are the poisoned youth

Some legends are told

Some turn to dust or to gold

But you will remember me

Remember me for centuries

And just one mistake

Is all it will take

We'll go down in history

Remember me for centuries

Centuries by Fall Out Boy

Kaz

         A seagull soared above his head as he looked out at the harbor. Shipments were being dropped off, as per usual. Everyone seemed jovial, unusual for Ketterdam, but Kaz didn’t find himself reveling in it, instead complying with a bittersweet mood.

         He peered into the distance, watching the ship, the Wraith, diminish into the horizon with time. He would miss her, just as he missed Jesper. However, he felt another emotion presenting itself, tugging itself into a glimpse of a smile. 

         Pride..of Inej . 

Not only had she attempted to help him brave his monsters, but had found a purpose for herself.

        That wasn’t to say that she had cured him. Not at all. He still kept much of his past hidden away from everyone. There were still nightmares that woke him up in a cold sweat, leaving him gasping for air. 

        After the first time he’d held her hand on that fateful day, he thought he could finally overcome his fears. So he tried for her and for himself. But the moment his lips grazed hers, he’d recoiled, feeling as if he were in the Barge again, drowning, scared for his life but also wanting to finally rest, to give up.

         I’ve avenged you, Jordie, he thought, I made him pay for taking you away from me. There’s no reason for you to be disappointed in me now.

         So why did it feel as if nothing had changed? While he’d come far, he knew he’d come far, and he was the king of the Barrel, he still put his armor up and still felt the need to be Dirtyhands.

        Even when Inej’s parents had come, he’d felt competing emotions. He’d felt something close to happiness for Inej, when he heard that laugh again. But he’d also felt sadness, a sort of grieving sensation inside of him, because he could never have that, a family.

        Even now, all of the remaining crows had moved on with their lives, except for him. But this was all he could do, all he could be, ruling over his crooked kingdom, accumulating piles of money, and scaring everyone. Because he couldn’t be anything else. He didn’t know how to.

9 months later

Jesper

        Jesper stretched out his arms and yawned while walking into the living room. He saw Wylan, deftly playing a melodious piece on his piano, quiet yet fierce. Like Wylan himself, Jesper thought fondly.

        “What’s the piece, merchling?” he asked, wanting to hear Wylan’s voice.

        “ The Diminishing Fire, ” Wylan said, not quite meeting his eyes, “I like to think that despite being diminished, it can fight back, recover. That it becomes stronger with time. But there are days when I think it won’t, when I think that little light will let itself out.”

        Wylan looked at the ground, his posture defeated. Jesper easily read through the lines.

        “You’ve been fighting it everyday,” Jesper said, bending down, curling Wylan’s locks behind his ear while meeting Wylan’s sky blue eyes. “And you’ve been winning. You’ve created a better empire than he ever had, and you’ve been an amazing person the entire time. You’ve been recognizing that you deserve this, because you do . You really are one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, and I love you every day because of it.”

        “Wait,” Wylan said with a small, weak but genuine grin on his face, “I’m not the most amazing person in your life? Who else occupies that space?”

        “Well, merchling, you can’t realistically expect me to choose between you and my parents, now can you?” Jesper said, laughing.

        “No, I guess I can’t,” Wylan agreed, the growing smile lifting up the corners of his mouth further.

        Just then, they heard a knock on the door.

       Jesper looked up.  “I’ll go get it.” 

        The lock clicked satisfyingly as he opened it. On the other side, Jesper encountered the face of Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, Bastard of the Barrel, looking at him with a half-frown and a raised eyebrow, if that was possible.

        “It’s great to see you too, Kaz!” Jesper joked. When Kaz just looked at him, changing his expression to his trademark cold, indifferent one, Jesper decided to use another tactic.

“What, you don’t like these colors?” Jesper asked, comedically gesturing towards his lime green and magenta, brighter-than-the-sun pajamas. Kaz just rolled his eyes and invited himself inside. If Jesper had to be honest, Kaz hadn’t come around much since Inej had left. He occasionally came over for jobs that often involved exploding and gunshots, did business with Wylan and stayed over for dinner when Jesper and Wylan invited him to, but that about encompassed it. Considering all this, Jesper knew exactly what Kaz would say next.

        “I have a job.”

        “Oh, no,” Wylan declared, now making his way to the front door, “I stole titanium only four months ago, and I did that for Inej. I’m not stealing anything or murdering anyone, not if I can help it.”

        “Relax,” Kaz replied with a small smirk, “We’re not stealing anything, and we’re only murdering one person. And even that’s to pull him out of what otherwise would’ve been eternal torture.”

        “Okay, now I’m curious,” Jesper admitted, “we’re murdering an immortal dude to put him out of his never-ending pain? How do we end up in these situations?”

        Kaz handed Jesper a paper as if to answer his question. Jesper began to read the letter out loud so Wylan could understand.

Kaz Brekker,

Don’t expect me to be formal with you as you are no more than an annoying nuisance. However, as much as it pains me to state this, I, and Ravka, need your help. Aleksander Morozava, better known as the Darkling, is currently facing eternal torture holding together the fold that splits Ravka in half. While I have no qualms about letting him suffer for what he’s done, I have a theory that could potentially grant him death. Putting the heart of Sankt Feliks in place of Morozava would allow him to die and would also allow the fold to remain contained.

Now, you may be asking where you fit into all this. As you probably already know, considering your excessive arrogance, your crew is one of the most talented in the world and I know you can find the bone. As such, in return, you’ll receive the 8th and 16th ports in Os Kervo as well as two million kruge for each member of your crew.

If you agree to go on this quest, heed these instructions. Come to Os Alta. There, you will meet up with Genya Safin, Adrik Zhabin, and Leoni Hilli, three of our most powerful Grisha, who will help you find the heart. From there, you have our aid for your quest.

Sincerely (not),

Her Highness Queen Zoya Nazyalenski Nabri of Ravka

        “Well…that’s definitely something,” Jesper muttered after a moment, then, “Why are you agreeing to this?”

        He saw something shift in Kaz’s eyes, then fade away as soon as it came.

        “This is an opportunity for me to make money. Why wouldn’t I take it? Even if paying us that much for a Saint’s dead heart is quite stupid,” he conceded, “Besides, for the first time, I’d be going international with these ports. You two will obviously get your two million kruge as well as a 20% share in the profit achieved from the 8th and 16th ports. Honestly, the 16th port is quite insignificant since it’s more inland. However, we’re hitting the big gold in 8th port. We’re talking about trade coming in from Kerch, the Wandering Isle, Novyi Zem, the Southern colonies, and Fjerda. The two million kruge will pale in comparison to what we can achieve there.”

        “Only twenty percent for each of us? What game are you playing, Kaz?” Wylan scrutinized.

        “No game, Wylan,” Jesper voiced, twirling his revolvers in the air, “He intends to loop Inej and Nina in on this. Their talents are necessary in any big job, but they’ll be especially important in something like this.”

        Kaz looked at him before speaking. “Yes, Jes, good. I’ve already talked with both of them and they’ve agreed to accompany me. If you two decide to join us, we’ll leave with Inej in about two week’s time; Nina will join us in Os Kervo. We’ll all continue on to Os Alta.”

        Jesper felt conflicted between excitement and dread. On the one hand, the money did sound useful for the business and he really wanted to meet up with Nina and Inej again. On the other hand, he’d have to face Leoni, the reason his mother had eventually passed away. Wylan must sense the hesitation on his face because he raised his eyebrow in question. You okay with this?

          “Yeah,” he found himself saying, “I’ll come if Wylan’ll come too.”

        Wylan continued to search his face. Though he didn't seem convinced, he finally uttered, “Then I’ll come too.”

Chapter Text

Inej

        The ocean breeze pushed the sails of The Wraith forward, whipped Inej’s coil of hair towards her face, and sprayed mist onto her face, giving her hair a frizzy look. She latched onto the net and let her body dangle towards the ocean, letting the ropes of the net catch her. Stray hairs tickled Inej’s face, but she didn’t let that tamper with her good mood. So this is what freedom feels like. 

        After the Menagerie and her indenture under Per Haskell, she’d forgotten what it felt like to be autonomous, to decide for herself. She’d realized much too late, but slipping into the shadows had become second nature to her. Now, through tiring but satisfying days, through days where she liberated others like herself, she finally felt like she could finally control the path of her life to make it what she wanted it to be, to shine in the light rather than hide in the shadows.

        So it definitely felt counterintuitive to go back to Ketterdam, even if it ultimately meant spending time with the Crows and getting more money to fund her expeditions. 

        But Ketterdam’s a part of me now.

        The contagious energy of that place, the people and their questionable morals, and the mines of secrets lurking behind each corner made up a distinct, irreplaceable part of her. 

        Truth be told, the city had held a different meaning for her when she’d left than when she’d first come there. It was the city where she’d met Kaz, Jesper, Nina, Wylan, and Matthias, the city where she’d braved her fears and defeated her monsters, and the city in which she was reunited with her parents. Now, she realized, she was making her way back to the wretched city that had simultaneously become a second home to her.

        When she tried to explain everything that had happened to her to her parents, she’d understandably felt quite uncomfortable, but more than anything she’d wanted them to understand, to understand that while she wasn’t the same person she was before, she’d always be their daughter, their zheji . 

        And they’d tried their best. They said that they’d support her no matter what and that they supported her relationship with Kaz. But no matter how much time they now spent with her, they could never experience the horrors she’d experienced and they’d never understand her love for her new life.

        “Captain!” Specht called out to her from the mast, interrupting her thoughts, “Five bells till we reach Ketterdam!”

         Ketterdam, here I come. The spider, the Wraith, Inej Ghafa.

Wylan

        He was gasping, tears pricking his eyes. He attempted deep breaths, but that just made everything worse. So he did the next best thing, folding his knees up to his chest and hiding his face in a fetal position. 

         You’re fine, he’s not here. He can’t reach you here. You belong here. You matter. You matter. You matter.

          Logically he knew this, but deep inside, the fear clawed inside of him, begging to be let out. This was the room where his father had told him he was useless, the room where he told Wylan to never talk about his mother ever again, the room where he gave that look, the look that reeked of disappointment and aggression at once, threatening to drown him. 

        What scared him the most, though, was the day his father had beat him. He’d been eleven years old, finishing up some math problems on a table when his father had entered. 

         “I need to cure you,” is all he had gritted out before Wylan felt a slap landing on his cheek. His eyes immediately watered from the pain but he pushed the lump in his throat down. The last thing he needed was to break in front of his father. 

         Van Eck wasn’t done, however. Wylan’s eyes widened when he saw the belt in his father’s hand. 

         “You deserve this!” Jan Van Eck screamed at him, and with every blow, Wylan felt an insult radiating in his skull. Worthless, incompetent, mistake, moron. 

         He distinctly felt a tap on his shoulder, bringing him to the present. He looked up and saw Jesper looking at him with a concerned but accepting face. Jesper sat down and looked at him. “It’s okay to cry, you know that, right? I’ll be right here.”

        That broke the final string. Wylan buried his head in Jesper’s shoulder and let the suffocating sobs in his chest out. 

         Jesper ran his hand through Wylan’s hair. Wylan’s heaving sobs eventually turned into quiet whimpers. They remained there for a while, Wylan hiccuping incrementally and Jesper leaning his head on Wylan’s curls. Wylan felt glad Jesper was here, holding him up, but shame still lingered in his heart. Jesper hadn’t gambled in months, although he was close on certain days, but still. Jesper didn’t fall apart every time something reminded him of his past. Jesper was improving. So why wasn’t he?

        “Why am I so weak?” Wylan muttered. He finally looked into Jesper’s eyes and saw his own reflection, his own eyes puffy and red-rimmed.

        “You’re not, Wylan,” Jesper said, kissing his forehead, “You’re one of the strongest people I’ve met. I’ll be honest, when I first met you, I thought you were just a spoiled rich merchling. But you’re so much more than that. You’re brave when others run away. You remain good even when others try to push you down. In fact, out of the six of us, you and Inej were probably the only ones who’d even heard of a moral compass.”

        Wylan snorted halfheartedly, wiping away his tears of sadness and shame. “No, I think the only one of us without a moral compass is Kaz.”

Chapter Text

Kaz

        Kaz didn’t care if he possessed a moral compass or a conscience. Inej always saw something in him that just simply didn’t exist. But he himself had told Jesper and Wylan that he had a conscience a couple of months back. Truth be told, he still didn’t know whether he meant that seriously or as a joke. Kaz grumbled to shake himself out of his stupor. It didn’t matter. What mattered was that Inej was coming to Ketterdam and he still wasn’t ready. He usually never woke up this late in the morning. However, his reluctance to sleep had finally caught up with him, with him passing out from sheer exhaustion the night before and being startled awake late in the morning.

        He hurriedly put on his suit and coat and grasped his crow cane. He reached for his chair and hesitated. He’d held Inej’s hand once without any stitch of clothing between their palms. But he had also recoiled when he’d tried to kiss her again, being reminded again of his brother’s rotting skin, disintegrating in the harbor in large clumps.

        Finally, after much deliberation and deep breaths, he clutched the gloves off of his chair and slipped them onto his hands. 

        As he made his way out to the door, he gestured to Pim and Anika. “I have some business to attend to. Look over the Club, will you? If you find any cheating or suspicious behavior, take care of it until I get back.”

        “But my break just started,” Pim whined.

        “Don’t care,” Brekker snarled, “consider yourself lucky I’m not making you clean the pisspots.”

        Internally groaning from the ever-present pain of his knee, Kaz limped out of the Crow Club and weaved in and out of alleyways, taking stock of the situation of surrounding properties. Heleen Van Houden seemed to be completely bankrupt. Quite unfortunate. Everything else seemed the same as before. It couldn’t hurt to be wary, though. An image of Matthias’s wound staining the floor red flashed through his mind as he shuddered guiltily. He’d learned that lesson the hard way.

        Kaz felt the wind blow his hair to the right as he approached the ocean. He ran his hand through it without touching his roots. Was Nina right? Did he really need to get a new haircut? He scoffed. There was always the possibility that Zenik was just toying with him. 

        He looked into the distance and squinted his eyes. He could finally make it out: The Wraith outfitted in all its eternal glory. Against his will, he felt a grin form on his face. He immediately felt the muscles used in smiling aching from disuse, but he hardly minded. Inej, she’s finally here. He waited for the ship to land in the harbor, leaning on his cane. 

        After Inej and her crew finally anchored the ship, Inej ran down the steps with her bag. Her skin had turned a few shades darker from the countless days in the sun. Rather than her usual coil, Inej had opted for her hair in a long ponytail slung over her shoulder. Her bright brown eyes, while similar to his in color, instead held fierceness and warmth. She had changed her former spider clothes for a bolder, more vibrant pirate outfit, with dark black leggings, a bright maroon vest, a billowy white shirt with cuffs, and a brown leather hat. 

        But it wasn’t just her outfit that was bolder. Kaz had always known that Inej was one of the bravest and most resilient people he’d ever met and ever will meet, but she’d always seemed to slip into the shadows a bit too easily. Now, she commanded attention to all those around her. 

        Saints, he thought, she looks like one of her Suli Sanktas, confident, divine, and much too good for me.

        She stopped before him and smiled. There were dimples there that Kaz had never seemed to notice before, and he felt entranced by them. Inej noticed Kaz staring and he forced himself to look away.

        “Hi, Kaz,” she breathed out.

        Kaz felt his heartbeat speed up and butterflies soar in his stomach. “Hi, Inej.”

        She stood there, waiting patiently for whatever he was ready to do for that day. He took a deep breath, took his glove off of his right hand, and held his shaking hand out to Inej. 

        Pathetic. She’d done so much for him. Why can’t I do something this small for her?

        She grasped onto it with care, however, constantly checking with Kaz to make sure it was alright with him, and they began to walk towards the Van Eck mansion. 

        I don’t deserve her.

        As she held his hand, he could feel the waters rising around his feet but then surprisingly die down. Relieved, he vowed to enjoy this moment as best as he could. 

        “So, how’s Ketterdam been treating you?” Inej asks.

        “The same.” He attempted to sound convincing, as if nothing had changed, but Inej looked at him with a strange, suspicious expression. 

        He sighed softly as to not let Inej notice. Once a spider, always a spider. I won’t be able to keep this from her for long either, will I? 

        He continued. “I’ve been expanding my territory and outreach, occasionally doing business with Wylan, mingling with the affairs of the Merchant Council. Waiting for the Council of Tides to threaten me again.”

        Inej looked at him for a solid chime after that last bit, then said, “I don’t want to know, do I?”

        Kaz merely shrugged. “Everyone wants to kill me at some point. Anyway, how’s it been going for you? I pity all the people who’ve dared to cross you.”

        Inej’s nose turned pink with pleasure and a mischievous smile marked her face. “Yeah, it has been going quite well. We’ve apprehended a lot of people…let’s just say many of them wet their pants.”

        At this, Kaz burst out laughing, clutching his stomach. Tears started leaking from his eyes. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this much joy. 

        “Remind me to never get on your bad side, Inej. The last thing I'd want is to be tarred and feathered like those two men. You know how many people are looking for you?”

        “Oh, I thought I’d already made that quite clear, Kaz. And Kaz, they'd have to catch me first,” Inej reprimanded jokingly while raising her eyebrows.

        “Yes, yes, of course, dear Inej, treasure of my heart.”

        They made their way to the Financial District, through the cobblestone streets lined with unnecessarily tall lamp posts, and finally came upon Wylan and Jesper’s residency. Kaz thumped the door with his cane hard multiple times for the sole purpose of annoying them. As expected, it had the intended effect.

        “Can you be any noisier, Kaz?” Jesper asked wryly while opening the door, then grinned and wrapped his arms around Inej. 

        “How’s our murderous seafaring spider been?” Jesper questioned.

        “She’s been well, Llewelyn,” Inej replied with a teasing expression.

        Jesper grumbled. “You’re never going to let that one go, are you?” Jesper then changed his expression, raising the middle of his eyebrows and gasping theatrically. Here we go, Kaz thought. Kaz barely resisted the urge to bang his head on the nearest wall.

        “Alas, I’ll have to deal with this for all of eternity,” Jesper announced while tilting his head up and putting a hand over his heart then gasping again.

        Much too dramatic for his own good, Kaz thought while scoffing. Jesper just rolled his eyes at Kaz.

        “Come in, both of you,” Jesper finally said, “Wylan has some things to take care of; he’ll be here shortly. Until then, coffee? Tea?”

        “Coffee would be fine,” Inej and Kaz replied at the same time. Kaz barely avoided sloshing what were surely dangerous chemicals onto his coat while making his way over to the couch, dodging tables and questionable metal contraptions. While Jesper got coffee ready for all of them, they all filled each other in with everything that had happened these past few months.

        “I have a Fabrikator teacher now…”

        “I ended fifty slaving businesses…”

        “I met Nikolai Lantsov and Zoya Nazyalensky…”

        “We met them too. I was going to make a fortune off of them but Jesper over here had to rat me out.”

        “No, that was Sturmhond. Wait…the king card was an actual king card .”

        “Yes Jesper, finally…he also has a portion of the Darkling inside of him. You all think I’m a monster. He’s actually one.”

        Inej, Jesper, and Wylan, who’d just materialized into the room, just looked at Kaz, not sure what to say. 

        But Kaz looked at Wylan, who looked like he’d been through hell and back. His hair was messier than Kaz’d ever seen it, and he’d seen Wylan’s hair during his time at the tannery. Wylan’s eyes were puffy, bloodshot, and tired. His posture was slouched helplessly. Out of the corner of his eye, Kaz caught Jesper glancing at Wylan with concern.

        “Coffee’s ready!” Jesper announced just then, looking back down. He brought all four cups over to the dining table. They all made their way over, Kaz and Inej opting to sit across from Jesper and Wylan. 

        Wylan began speaking. “Hey, Inej. Sorry, I was busy with some things upstairs. You guys were so loud, though, that I heard everything. I’m really happy for you.”

        “Thanks, that means a lot, Wylan,” Inej says. Wylan seemed to sense that everyone knew something was wrong with him. He looked down at his lap and began to fidget with his fingers uncomfortably. 

        “Okay, enough sentimentality,” Kaz proclaimed, trying to change the topic for Wylan’s sake. Saints knew that Kaz himself would literally kill to have people look the other way when he didn’t feel his best. He briefly caught Wylan giving him a grateful look. “Let’s talk about the job.”

        The job he’d agreed to to spend more time with them. But he’d be damned before he ever let anyone know that.

Chapter Text

Jesper

He was worried about Wylan, he really was. Truth be told, Jesper thought that Wylan would be comfortable in the house within a few weeks of moving in. But he clearly hadn’t understood Wylan’s pain well enough. Just because Wylan didn’t seem overwhelmingly affected by his father during the Ice Court heist didn’t mean he didn’t feel anything about it. Jesper had to make himself remember that Wylan’s father was the reason Wylan had such a low self esteem in the first place, despite Wylan being one of the most talented people he’d ever met. What did that idiot Van Eck do to Wylan? 

He looked over at Wylan. His boyfriend looked better than before, his eyes resembling rough blue ocean currents a mile from shore rather than the stormy tsunamis they resembled earlier. Still, his gaze was guarded, fortifying itself against any possible onslaughts. 

Jesper felt a lump forming in his throat. After all this time, Jesper would’ve thought that Wylan would trust him with something, anything related to his past. Wylan did seem to trust Jesper more than anyone else, save perhaps Marya, but it still wasn’t nearly enough, not after so long. But then another thought occurred to Jesper, unwelcome. 

He let out a breath, slowly but unevenly. He wasn’t much better, trapping his demons inside. But he couldn’t tell them, not when their demons were worse than his. Inej had literally been in a brothel and faced unspeakable horrors. Even if Wylan wasn’t telling everything, and Jesper knew that Wylan wasn’t, he’d still been abused by his father, though to what extent, Jesper didn’t know either. And Kaz…well, though Kaz had opened himself more than he’d ever done before the Ice Court Heist, Jesper still knew next to nothing about the man. Considering he hid almost everything about himself, maybe…he hid more than he was letting on. After all, Jesper highly doubted Kaz was literally the son of profit and Ketterdam.

Speaking of the devil, Kaz had just finished reviewing the plan (well, the parts he wanted them to know about) and was currently trying not to smile while looking beneath the table. Inej had once told Jesper that he was quite horrible at reading people, but even he could tell that Kaz was uncharacteristically giddy at holding Inej’s hand under the table. 

Jesper turned to Wylan and began rubbing circles on Wylan’s hand.

“You okay?” he whispered so that only Wylan heard. 

“I will be,” Wylan whispered in kind as his eyes softened.

Jesper lightly kissed Wylan’s head and then leaned his own forehead on Wylan’s.

“No romance in the dining room,” Kaz deadpanned.

Jesper separated himself from Wylan and raised an eyebrow playfully towards the grouchy man. “Says the guy currently holding Inej’s hand under the table. You thought I couldn’t tell, huh?”

Kaz rolled his eyes, but a smirk emerged, filled with pride. “Like you’re going to do anything about it.”

“You’re right, I won’t, for Inej’s sake. Not yours.”

“You two do realize you’re not going to get anywhere with this, right?” Inej exasperated, now also smiling. Her expression was one that communicated oh, how will I deal with these immature children.

“Precisely,” Jesper stated, “What this world needs more of is a bunch of our nonsense anyway.”

“ That’s what this world needs?” Wylan questioned, a small grin making its way onto his face. Jesper felt enchanted by that, when his humor could bring smiles out of people when they felt down. “More of our chaos? We mess up anything we touch without trying. If we tried, the world would probably be in permanent night.”

Jesper immediately made finger guns and began touching everything in sight. Dishes and silverware began clattering from his unintentional force. “Look, I ruined this! And this! You can’t beat me now! I’ve ruined too much! Just like Fjerdan might being destroyed by our mere fingertips! Permanent night is here, my eternal best friend!”

Wylan snorted, leading to water coming out of his nose. Ignoring Jesper’s tactics, Inej began speaking. “I think you’ve got us pegged–”

Before she finished, a bang resonated through the air. Jesper distinctly heard glass shattering in the background. The four of them immediately crouched under the table, covering their necks with their hands. 

“I’ll go look at the situation,” Kaz rasped, briefly rubbing his knee. Bending down that quickly couldn’t have been easy. He slipped out from under the table and taking his cane, rapped to the nearest window. He briefly glanced outside the now-broken window and said simply, “Razorgulls and Black Tips. Everyone, make sure you have your weapons. They’re here for us.”

Wylan

We’re supposed to be safe here. This is the Financial District, not the Barrel, was his first thought.

Then he heard Kaz in his head, chastising him. There is no safe, not here, not anywhere.

Inej took out two of her knives and slipped into the shadows. Jesper braced his hands on his revolvers. Wylan gathered some bombs and powders from a closet at the edge of the room. He never thought he’d have a need for them, but after the Ice Court heist, he’d been nothing but paranoid. 

You can never be too prepared. Mess up and another one of your friends might be killed.

Taking a shuddering breath, Wylan peered out the window. His brows rose up. A crowd of Razorgulls and some Black Tips stood outside the mansion, repeating some kind of chant like a cult. Many were young and newly recruited, carrying guns and knives. The four of them were heavily outnumbered, but Wylan reasoned that they could deal with this. 

“Wylan, can you use chloro gas?” Kaz asked. 

Wylan gave a brief nod.

“Good. That should take out about half the crowd. Considering these are newer recruits, hopefully they’ll be clearing out by then, but if not, Jesper, Inej, and I’ll surround them and deal with them. If need be, begin using your bombs, but only as a last resort. We don’t want to alert the Stadwatch. Once we finish, follow me. No mourners.”

“No funerals,” the rest of them replied.

The four of them slipped out from a door at the side of the mansion. Kaz beckoned to Inej and Jesper and the three of them took their positions. Wylan made his way behind a carriage. He poured some ammonia from a vial into a spare beaker and then made his way under the carriage. He pushed the ammonia out on the road and then pulled his shirt over his mouth and nose. He looked out and saw Kaz, Inej, and Jesper do the same. With his free hand, he fished out some chloro pellets from his pocket and dropped them into the beaker. Jesper had used this particular solution on the Ice Court Heist, so Wylan was quite familiar with the effects it’d cause. 

People in the crowd began dropping like flies. Some of the still-conscious ones, as expected, began running away in fear. Wylan knew that the effects were only temporary, that people would only pass out. The crowd, however, didn’t, so it definitely made for an interesting, although somewhat horrid, spectacle. 

The motion that truly caught his attention widened his eyes in fear and disbelief. 

Jesper Fahey had fainted.

Chapter Text

Inej

Oh no, Inej thought. If she wasn’t so worried for Jesper, she would have already killed him. That fall had to hurt. Also, despite the fact that Kaz, Inej, and Wylan…well, despite the fact that Kaz and Inej were muscular, she highly doubted that the three of them could carry him without anyone noticing. 

For once in his life, Kaz looked shocked, but worry also laced his features. Though Kaz was never outright with it, Inej knew he cared about Jesper in his own way, maybe even as a brother. For the longest time, Kaz had blocked himself from anyone and everyone, putting on the armor Dirtyhands gave, physical and mental, whenever someone got too close. She knew it well. Indifferent expression, set jaw, guarded eyes. 

But slowly, he began to show the ones closest to him that he cared about them in his own indirect ways. He’d held Inej’s hand, despite his aversion to touch, and given her the Wraith . He’d told Jesper that he missed him. She also hadn’t failed to notice the way he let himself relax whenever he was around Wylan, Jesper, or herself; he joked more and covered his vulnerabilities less often. And she couldn’t forget that laugh from earlier today. 

Saints, that laugh. 

Everything about Kaz was so structured, so planned. That laugh, however, was the most carefree and light thing Inej had ever seen from him, and Inej wanted to manipulate time to play that laugh again. 

Inej knew he wasn’t cured, far from it, but he was trying. But then her mind went to the hesitance he’d given her when she’d returned. What was he trying to hide? Was he really fine?

Wylan looked similarly shocked and looked ready to pounce towards Jesper. Inej waved her hand down towards him. Stay down. Wylan had unexpectedly gotten worse after she’d left, a stark contrast to Kaz’s and Jesper’s seeming improvements. She wasn’t entirely sure what made Wylan act the way he did, though she had her suspicions. 

Wylan's face changed from shocked to angry in a matter of seconds. Confused, Inej followed his gaze. What she saw simmered annoyance in her own stomach. Jesper had gotten up and was now giving them mock salutes. Oh, Jesper, she thought, slapping her forehead, you have got to be kidding me. 

She knew he had a flair for the dramatic, they all knew. But now was really an inconvenient time for it. Once they got out of this, they were all going to give Jesper a piece of their mind. Definitely killing him, she thought.

For now, however, she focused on the situation in front of her. A good portion of the crowd was now on the ground; however, some Black Tips were now approaching her, weapons in hand. She pulled out Sankt Petyr and Sankta Lizabeta, settled in her stance, and let out a breath. The Wraith is back.

She didn’t like to kill unless necessity required otherwise, so she disabled her opponents rather than ending them. 

She faced her nearest threat, a young boy who couldn’t be older than 12 years. She drove the hilt of her knife into his wrist and cracks of bone soon followed. The boy screamed and he and what seemed to be his friends ran away. 

However, more pursuers kept approaching her. A muscular girl about her age, Leika from the Black Tips, Inej recalled, rushed forward brazenly with what appeared to be a chain. Inej didn’t know how it worked, and she didn’t want to find out. Inej stabbed Leika in the thigh and kneed her ribs for good measure. Leika collapsed on the ground, clutching her stomach.

She dodged a man with a screwdriver (what?), tripped an unbalanced woman with twin daggers in her hands, and elbowed the back of a girl holding a rifle.

Still more people came running towards her. She briefly looked at a wall on the side of the Van Eck mansion. She vertically ran up that wall and pushed herself off of it. She turned her body midair and kicked a man and held another in a chokehold. She kept grasping him until he lost consciousness, then let his body tumble to the ground. 

Inej heard a loud bang behind her and she jumped. Jesper had shot a boy who had snuck up on her. A chill ran through her. She knew that outright fighting wasn’t really her style. But that didn’t matter here and now. Any closer and she would’ve been done for. 

Losing your touch, are you?

She forced herself to take a breath and keep fighting. She went through the movements. Aim, throw, pull. Aim, throw, pull. Soon enough, she found herself fighting beside Kaz, back to back, knives drawn, pistols blazing. It was an oath they’d both unconsciously given to one another. 

Together, for each other, we fight—

A scream pierced through the air and Wylan collapsed in front of Jesper.

Wylan

Time became an abstract concept for Wylan. The world seemed like forever and never all at once. He thought he’d felt pain before, but nothing prepared him for the true agony of bones shattering. A scream deep within the animal parts of him tore itself from his throat. 

Before he realized what had happened, Kaz, Inej, and Jesper surrounded him from three sides. Protecting me , he realized. Tears filled his eyes, whether from the pain or from the care his friends were showing him, he wasn’t sure. He quickly blinked them back, not wanting to come off as any more weak than he already was from the ordeal.

He would do the same for any of them, even Kaz, but Wylan never had anyone to care for him like that after he’d turned eight. He’d trained himself to not expect any love for himself from others, sometimes even going as far as pushing people away before they could wound him. He knew it was irrational, but after everything, he just couldn’t handle any more scars. He always felt surprised when any of the Crows so much as acknowledged his presence, but was forever grateful for it. 

Wylan felt dazed and dizzy now. Their pursuers had left, and his friends turned towards him. Through the blurry haze, he caught what seemed like concerned glances. He barely registered being lifted into someone’s arms and being whispered to. 

“Stay with me, Wylan,” the voice seemed to say. 

He felt painful moans coming out of his mouth as his broken leg bounced up and down against the body of the person carrying him. Fighting to keep himself conscious, he focused on his breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

He kept trying, but eventually, the dull, gray sky of Ketterdam turned black.

Chapter Text

Wylan

Wylan felt his consciousness rise. He slowly opened his eyes and made out an open palm over his face. In Wylan’s experience, that only meant one thing, so he immediately slapped the hand out of the way, then sat up and tried to find a hard object— ah, there’s a pot —and threw it with full force towards the source.

“Saints, Wylan! Calm down!” Jesper shouted as he shot his hand and stopped the pot midair with his Fabrikator powers. Jesper then let the pot clatter onto the floor.

Confused, Wylan rubbed his eyes. He seemed to be on Kaz’s bed. While he didn’t grace Kaz’s room often, he recognized the bare oak shelf in the corner, the dark ebony table scattered with paperwork, his stiff chair, some fruit crates, and various books about Sankt Feliks’ heart, a new addition to the room, stacked atop the table. Wylan’s former pot target seemed to be a middle-aged Shu woman in a Grisha Healer’s clothes. Her eyes shot up in shock and fear, then began darting around for a means of escape. Wylan almost laughed; he was the least threatening crow in this room. 

“I told you one of us should’ve been right by him,” Inej reprimanded softly.

“How was I supposed to know he’d throw my pot?” Kaz grumbled, annoyed. Then, however, his face morphed into an all-too-familiar expression.

“Is that—” Jesper started while leaning closer to Inej’s ear.

“Scheming face,” Inej confirmed. 

“Nice to know some things never change,” Jesper snorted, “You’re not going to tell us anything, are you?”

Kaz simply ignored them, absorbed instead in that expansive mind of his. His face took an unexpected pallor and his eyebrows set in a devious glare. 

“We’re attacking them tonight,” he sneered simply. His eyes were deep black, like the bottom of an inky well at midnight. Wylan had only seen that expression twice before, once before Kaz had stabbed Oomen’s eye out, and the second when Inej had been kidnapped by Jan Van Eck, his own father. That’s when Wylan knew. Kaz Brekker’s rationality had left and Dirtyhands was here in his stead. 

“What—what are you talking about, Kaz?” Inej questioned fearfully, shifting her left foot around.

“The Razorgulls and Black Tips. They can’t attack former or current Dregs and Crows and not face consequences. If I don’t react, I would be demoted from the King of the Barrel to nothing in less than twenty-four bells and the Dregs would be nothing more than a joke.”

“I don’t know, Kaz. We took pretty good care of them back there,” Jesper muttered.

Kaz turned on him. “Oh, did you now? Pretending to faint, therefore almost jeopardizing our position, and then not paying attention, leading to Wylan getting hurt? His leg’s even worse than mine was! We’re lucky that we were able to find a Healer in time,” Kaz shouted, his voice sharp as ice.

Then his voice quieted to a harsh hiss. “I know you haven’t been a part of the Dregs for a while, so let me remind you. Your actions affect all of us. We could be lying on the streets, heads bleeding and dead , and it would be all your fault . And if I somehow survived along with you, I would not hesitate to make your life hell.”

“Kaz,” Inej stated simply, and that one word seemed to hold the entire world for Kaz. 

“What, Inej?” he sneered in the same tone he used with Jesper. Yet his eyes softened marginally.

“All three of us are out of our element, Kaz. I was about to be stabbed, but Jesper saved me.” She gave a grateful look towards Jesper. “I owe you a life debt.”

“And I owe Wylan one,” Jesper sighed, looking at Wylan’s leg with a guilty expression. Wylan finally glanced at his leg. The bottom half of his calf was bent the wrong way, with shards of bone jutting out of his skin around purple bruises. He took a sharp breath and snapped his head away, shutting his eyes as he did so. Wylan could easily identify that had there not been a Healer, his leg would’ve needed to be amputated. Wylan exhaled unsteadily. He was glad it hadn’t come to that. 

The Healer gave him a look that was vaguely fond and slowly approached him to begin setting his bone back in place. 

She looked at him before speaking. “I will have to put this back in place. It will hurt, but if I don’t do this now, it won’t heal properly.”

The last thing Wylan wanted was for anyone to touch—that thing—but he knew it had to happen. 

He nodded reluctantly. “Okay.”

She put her hands and quickly jerked the bone back in place. Wylan howled from the pain and promptly passed out.

---------------

Wylan woke slowly. He sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. His entire body felt sore, despite him not having done any movement for hours, and his leg was wrapped in a stiff, cloth cast. He was glad his mother was in the countryside and she couldn’t see him now. He didn’t think he could stand the worry on her face. He looked around, and found Jesper, Kaz, and Inej sitting across the room.

“About time you woke up, merchling,” Kaz said in a bored tone, flicking cards from one hand to the other.

Wylan then remembered the conversation they were having before his leg got painfully yanked.

“No one owes anyone anything, Jesper and Inej,” Wylan exasperated, now looking at them, “Kaz, there are other methods than violence, you know.”

“Like what, merchling?” Kaz drawled, annoyed, finally looking up from his hands.

“Hmm, what about bankrupting?” Wylan suggested in a sarcastic voice, “Or I don’t know, hmm, blackmailing? Threats, enticing the Black Tips and Razorgulls to join the Dregs, or a number of other things that are much more effective than simply beating people up. In this case, violence isn’t even necessary.”

No sane person would have dared say to Kaz Brekker what Wylan said next, but Wylan found he didn’t care much. “In fact, it would be a liability. Thought of that?”

They all just looked at him before Inej leaned back on her chair, rubbed her hands over her face, and sighed. “Great. We’ve just created another major crime lord. As if one wasn’t enough for Ketterdam.”

“You’re right. We’ve thoroughly corrupted him. You’ll see, my merchling’s gonna put Ketterdam into eternal night,” Jesper mused theatrically.

Kaz looked at Wylan for a solid chime. Kaz’s eyes looked unusually unstable and lost, as if he wasn’t sure what he was doing anymore. 

“You have a point,” is all Kaz conceded before he rushed out of the room.

Chapter Text

Kaz

What was wrong with him? Kaz Brekker didn’t care about anyone, least of all Wylan Van Eck. He was seriously considering jeopardizing the lives of the Dregs for revenge for the little runt. But why? Perhaps the circumstances reminded him too much of his own knee shattering and never healing back right. Perhaps it reminded him how with every avalanche, everything in his life cracked like a growing crevasse, with no hope of return.

He didn’t want the same for Wylan, he realized. Or anyone. Except a few dozen people, now that he thought about it. Especially Pekka Rollins, Tante Heleen, and Jan Van Eck. 

And there it was again. Pekka Rollins had screwed Kaz’s life up in more ways than he could count and because of him, Kaz’s life would never be what it could’ve been. Kaz knew this. Tante Heleen had tried to do the same to Inej, but Inej still persisted, unlike Kaz himself. He could be angry at Van Eck for kidnapping Inej. And he was, but there was something else, wasn’t there? 

Wylan reminded Kaz too much of himself, before. Before the Reaper’s Barge, before the con, before Ketterdam. They both saw everything as a puzzle, and came to similar conclusions for solving those puzzles. Wylan had the same curious glint in his eye and drive for knowledge that Kaz saw in himself. Even if the merchling wouldn’t admit it, Wylan was similar to Kaz in every important way, except for his stubborn morals and his lingering innocence. Though to be honest, even that felt questionable right now.

He felt Inej behind him before he heard her. 

“Kaz, is everything alright?”

He gritted his teeth until pain settled in. He knew the truth.

No, everything is not alright, I haven’t been fine in what feels like forever. I lost my mother, I lost Da, I lost Jordie, I lost Matthias, I lost Nina, I lost Jesper, and I lost you. I feel an all-encompassing pain every day, but I can’t tell anyone. I feel trapped in this golden cage and it’s slowly killing me inside. It’s all pointless. I just want it all to stop. Maybe that would make everything fine.

He knew he could never say any of that. He’d never live it down. He was Dirtyhands, for Ghezen’s sake. “I’m fine, Inej,” he opted instead, controlling every minute muscle in his face in an attempt to convince her. 

It would’ve worked on anyone else. But Inej could see right past his facade and got to the root of the issue. “It’s not a bad thing to care about your friends, Kaz,” Inej uttered gently.

“What are you talking about?” he gritted harshly, “I don’t have any friends.” 

She looked slightly disappointed. 

I’m sorry, I can’t survive without my armor, especially when you’re this close to breaking me.

“You know what I’m talking about. Wylan was injured and you’re protective of him, just as you are protective of all of us. That’s why you suggested the attack, even if in the long term it wouldn’t have been the best course of action,” she admitted. “And Kaz, if we aren’t your friends, what are we to you? Just a spider, sharpshooter, and demolitions expert you can use whenever you like? You mean more than that to all of us, you know that?”

“Whatever, Wraith,” he hissed.

Her eyes shot up in disbelief and she looked wounded, as if she’d been slapped.

He walked past her, slipping a paper into the pocket of her jacket with his sleight of hand. It was a quick message, and while she didn’t seem to forgive him for his admittedly harsh actions, she complied with the orders.

Pim and Anika are nearby. I couldn’t tell you anything, I’m sorry, they might have overheard. Go back to my room. Take a different route than me. Burn this note as soon as you can. We’ll talk after.

Jesper

The tension in the room was palpable. Kaz and Inej kept giving furtive glances at one another, as if in the middle of a battle. They both kept their gazes hardened, defensive as always, but attempted to dissect each others’ motives at the same time.

Just hours before, they’d been the happiest he’d ever seen them. Now, they seemed the complete opposite. 

His and Wylan’s relationship wasn’t all that different, either, he realized. They hadn’t had a momentous fight before, but they were both hiding their demons from each other. But neither of them wanted to pressure the other into an uncomfortable situation. They’d had enough of that in their own lives. 

Despite both being broken inside, they gave the outward front of being a successful, although underestimated, mercher and assistant. 

The tension between Inej and Kaz brought Jesper back to the present. The uncomfortable mood began to rub off on Jesper and he began bouncing his right leg and fidgeting with his hands. He wanted to shoot someone. He wanted to leave this place and go to a gambling den. Anything to keep himself busy. 

No, I can’t want that for myself. Not now, not anymore, when I’ve come so far. 

People he’d hurt in the past because of his addiction passed through his mind. The disappointment on his Da’s face. The anger on Kaz’s. The undeserved patience on Inej’s and Wylan’s. The shame on his own. He couldn’t let that happen again. He couldn’t promise, but he could damn well at least try to not let that happen again.

Finally, Kaz sighed.

“I’m sorry, Inej. They were right there, and I couldn’t let down my front. Dirtyhands has a reputation to maintain, don’t you understand?”

Kaz was pleading, uncharacteristically desperate. 

He really does care so much for her.

Inej stared at him, tense, but then answered. “Of course I understand, Kaz. We all used to depend on that reputation. Some of us still do. But that doesn’t justify you saying that we aren’t your friends, even after everything. You’re one of our friends , you know that, right?”

There was a long silence, filled with unspoken words. 

“None of you are my friends,” Kaz said, although it wasn’t filled with his usual malice. 

Inej, nonetheless, sent daggers with her eyes. 

“...only because that word couldn’t begin to describe how much I truly care for all of you.”

All their eyes shot up with surprise to look at him.

“Prove it,” Inej pushed, some semblance of hope peering through the cracks. 

“Kaz,” Jesper spoke, now truly worried, “You weren’t hit in the head, were you?”

“No, you podge,” Kaz grunted, “Just let me speak, would you?”

The words that followed seemed like they were being forced out of Kaz. He truly must’ve thought he’d lost their trust to even consider telling them this.

“Friends can’t begin to describe how you mean the world to me, Inej. I love everything about you, even if you don’t love me in return. Jesper, friends doesn’t describe how I always want the best for you, how much I care for you. And Wylan, you’re a better version of me, not using your mind to hurt people like me but to improve their lives. You always believe the best of people. You’re what I could’ve been if…”

He never finished that thought, his eyes glazing over in an expression slightly reminiscent of his classic scheming face…but not really.

Jesper found tears pooling in his eyes. For the longest time, Jesper had wanted Kaz to care for him. Jesper had liked Kaz many months ago, and while those feelings went away when he met Wylan, Jesper never stopped feeling as if he wasn’t enough for Kaz Brekker, as if no matter how hard he tried, Kaz would never care for him. Jesper now realized that he’d been looking at everything wrong. He and Kaz were more than best friends, but in a way he had yet to grasp. 

I wouldn’t have it any other way, he realized with a fond grin.

Inej gave a small smile. “Kaz, you incredible idiot, why would you think I don’t love you?”

“I said that, didn’t I?” said Kaz sheepishly, like a flustering teenage boy, then, “You do?”

Inej just rolled her eyes and her smile lifted further.

Chapter Text

Jesper

They were out on the expansive jurda fields, inhaling the crisp Zemeni air. Jesper lifted his head up slowly and through his tearful gaze, finally looked into those deep brown eyes.

“Ma…”

“Shh…it’s okay, my son.”

“No, you don't understand! I messed up so bad. I almost lost the farm…and you. Some excuse of a son I am.”

“No, you are perfect, Jesper.” She put her head against Jesper’s. Jesper’s body began to shake anew with unshed tears. 

“I understand, Jesper, believe me, I do. You’re still finding yourself. I lost myself for the longest time too. I always felt like either the world was too much for me or I was too much for the world. Trust me, though, when I say that you are meant for amazing things, Jesper. You can beat this, and you can find your place.”

“But you’re gone,” then in a quiet choke, “ You’re gone .”

Now his Ma looked at him with an eyebrow raised, the same expression that played on Jesper’s face whenever he was trying to dispel a bad mood. It wasn’t a reliable expression most of the time, but perhaps because he was her son, it worked. 

“Every moment you remember me, I’m still here,” she replied with earnest eyes. 

It was true, he realized. She was with him in every shot, every laugh, every tear, every moment. In every breeze that tickled his cheek, in every droplet of a rainbow, it was her. She would not leave him, not really, as long as he would remember her. He thrust himself forward and grasped his mother in a long-desired hug. He buried his chin in her light saffron blouse. He shuddered as he exhaled. Let her go. Slowly, he pushed himself until his arms were on her shoulders and he met her eyes. 

After a while, she stood behind him and said, “Come on.”

Jesper took one of his revolvers out and braced himself in stance. Feet apart, arms firm but still somewhat loose, chin tucked. Aditi Hilli took one of her arms and wrapped it around her son’s. Together they pressed the trigger towards a wooden target on a distant tree. 

Bang.

The bullet whooshed through the Bull’s Eye.

-------------

Jesper woke up with a start. He felt hot moisture dripping down his cheeks. He hastily wiped them away as he remembered that he was on the Slat. He couldn’t show weakness. Not here. Wylan looked at him with concern. 

“Are you alright?” he asked.

A small smile made its way onto Jesper’s face. “More alright than I have been in a long time,” Jesper replied genuinely. The tears that came now were happier ones.

1 week later

Inej

Inej shimmied down a drainpipe and made her way onto the tiled roof. She gripped onto the bumps on the roofs as handholds, making her way over to the Slat. She couldn’t stay cooped up indoors for too long, and had decided to take a “stroll” throughout Ketterdam. Before she reached there, however, she made her way onto an imposing black building, tall and wide enough to fit a quarter of an entire city. Two boards read The Silver Six and The Crow Club. 

Inej’s eyes widened. Wow, Kaz has expanded. 

She swung herself on the roof of the Crow Club and then sprinted and jumped onto the top of the Slat. 

The sight she met there brought a light laugh to her lips. Kaz was perched on top of the Slat, one foot folded and the other splayed out. His hands were throwing seeds toward gathering black crows. 

“...I only tolerate you because of Inej and the fact that you strengthen my image. I’ve adopted you as my symbol and look at what you’ve become. Lazy little beggars showing up at my window for scraps.”

The crows promptly made their way over to their favorite feeder, Inej.

“Useless traitors.”

Inej guffawed. “Maybe try not insulting them every time they come over to spend time with you.”

“They wouldn’t spend a second here if I didn’t feed them,” Kaz countered weakly. She saw a small smile appear on his face replacing his frown. It seemed her boisterous laughs tended to do that to him, but why, she had no clue. 

“And what, you couldn’t have your reputation tarnished in front of Jesper and Wylan, so you came up here instead to feed your crows?”

Inej made her way over to him and sat beside him, taking in the smoggy Ketterdam sunset over the busy harbor, with the sun just above the horizon and ships looking like tiny ants. She tentatively held out her hand and Kaz grasped it. 

“First of all, they’re not my crows, they’re yours. I don’t want them,” Kaz corrected with an annoyed frown, “And second, no, actually. I could see Jesper and Wylan pretty much combusting from me third-wheeling them, so I left before they started directing their restless energy towards me.”

Inej snorted. “That’s fair. Speaking of Wylan, how’s his leg?” The visit from the Grisha healer seemed to have greatly sped up the healing, although it was unsure whether they’d leave for their job soon. 

“Fine,” Kaz remarked.

“Are you okay?” Inej asked.

“What do you mean?” Kaz asked in return, genuinely confused. 

“I mean, all this has got to be bringing back bad memories, right? Wylan breaking his leg.”

“Oh, I guess. It’s been a long time,” Kaz stated simply. This was so unlike him. He was never vague. He’d rather lie, for Saints’ sake.

“That means nothing,” Inej said, “ You know as well as I do that scars and wounds can remain scars and wounds for decades if not treated properly. And I don’t just mean the physical ones.”

Kaz paused, his eyes becoming lost and clouded over. She almost thought she imagined it, but Kaz folded up his good foot slightly closer to himself. Despite his facade, Inej highly doubted he was alright. 

On the Ice Court Heist, she’d thought that the two of them were like two soldiers, toiling through their pain in secret, not letting the other crows get a glimpse. As time went on, though, Inej realized how unhealthy that was. 

During her first few months at sea, she’d just attempted to adjust to her role as captain of the ship. After hiding in the shadows for so long, it had been hard. So she’d begun putting up a front of confidence she didn’t feel. She attempted to convince herself she could be the leader she wanted to be, strong and undeterred. Every morning, she’d look in the mirror and school her expression to match what she wanted for herself. Set jaw, compassionate yet strong gaze, shoulders that looked like they could carry the world and more. After taking a deep breath in and out, she would make her way outside to start her day.

She carried on like this for months, hunting slavers and putting on a facade the rest of the time. Now that she was looking back, it shouldn’t have been too surprising when she finally did break. 

She had been maneuvering the ship at the wheel. Specht had taught her well, as she’d become an expert in a matter of weeks.

As she was steering the ship, one of the girls they’d recently saved from a slaver in Novyi Zem had come to her, seeking support. 

“Hey, Captain, can I talk to you?”

“Yeah, of course,” Inej said in a warm, supportive voice.

Perhaps she shouldn’t have said anything and gone about her day. But the little girl talked. It was actually going well, until the girl mentioned how she’d been kidnapped. And then Inej couldn’t breathe. She could only feel hands over her mouth, muffling her pleading screams for help. She didn’t realize she’d been hyperventilating until Specht removed her hands from the wheel and started taking over the ship.

“...Inej! Are you okay?”

But Inej was rasping, she couldn’t talk, couldn’t breathe. So Specht had someone else take over the wheel and led Inej to the meeting room. It was empty. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Inej felt relieved. Inej didn’t think she could bear having to face anyone else at that moment. 

Specht gestured to a chair and Inej sat down on it.

“Okay. What happened?” Specht asked, genuinely worried. 

“I…Lisa was talking to me about how she was kidnapped. I guess she just needed someone to listen. But I couldn’t deal with it, not after…”

Thankfully, Specht seemed to understand. 

“Look, Inej, you’ve been through…a lot, to say the least. I know you want to move past that, and to a certain extent, you can. But hiding your feelings and putting up a false front isn’t the answer. If you feel like you’re going to combust, talk to someone. It doesn’t have to be me or even someone close to you. Just get it off your chest before something like what happened today doesn’t happen again.”

“And if you need to set boundaries, don’t hesitate,” he continued, “I understand that these people have their own trauma, but you also need to recognize your own. Don’t think that your trauma is less than someone else’s. Trauma is trauma, no matter what form it takes. Just know that.”

Inej realized she’d zoned out from what Kaz had been saying.

“...but you’re still strong. Even after everything. Your scars have healed more than mine ever will. I can’t be that strong. I doubt those Razorgulls and Black Tips would’ve attacked us if I had been stronger.”

Inej stared at him, incredulous. Kaz didn’t know half of it. There were so many days when she felt too weak to even make her way out of bed. But then her mouth twitched up slightly. At least he was opening up more than he would before. It was a starting point for sure. She schooled her features into a more sympathetic expression. 

“Everyone deals with their trauma differently, Kaz. All six of us crows have had some form of trauma in our lives. When I first met Wylan, for example, I thought I hadn’t met a person more lucky in their lives. Now, I wouldn’t wish his pain on anyone. The same goes for you, me, and anyone else. Only you know your pain and only I know mine. As for the attack last week, it was inevitable. I’m just surprised it didn’t happen sooner. Your success is increasing, people want to take you down. That’s just Ketterdam, not something you should blame yourself for.”

She paused, staring forward towards the ocean horizon and pondering.

“You didn’t have anyone. Anywhere. For me, when life got hard, when I felt like giving up, I held out for my parents. Even if I didn’t have anyone in this dreaded city, I always knew that somewhere, my parents were there, waiting for me,” Inej said, her voice cracking and her eyes watering. But she plundered on. “But we’re both strong. And so is every good person unlucky enough to struggle in life and end up here.”

Kaz nodded, showing he was listening to her. “I’m not good, Inej,” he said finally. She disagreed, but decided to take a different approach to this conversation.

“Maybe not you now, but the person you were before Ketterdam likely was, and the person you are now very well could be.”

They looked at the horizon until the sun set, deep in thought, then stood up as darkness began to envelop them.

“Just think about it, Kaz. That’s all I’m asking.”

Chapter Text

Jesper

Jesper felt like he needed to dispel the bad mood. He always felt this way but with Wylan’s injury and being cooped up in Kaz’s room for Saints knew how long, he wanted something to distract him. That’s not to say he hadn’t already made countless trips down to the first floor of the Slat to talk with the other Dregs. In the end, though, even that hadn’t done enough.

So when Kaz and Inej entered through the window, Jesper raised his eyebrows in a teasing expression. 

Kaz barely looked at him as he said, “Shut up, Jesper.”

“But I didn’t even say anything,” Jesper whined playfully.

“We both know what you meant to say, Jesper,” Inej muttered while rolling her eyes.

“So…I was thinking…” Jesper started.

“We know it’s bad when Jesper starts thinking,” Kaz remarked. 

“Wha…hey!” Jesper shouted.

“You’re talking about my boyfriend here,” Wylan added from the bed, “The one who came up with the idea for the antidote for jurda parem and therefore altered the course of world history. Not even you could’ve done that, Kaz.”

“I’ve altered world history in the important ways. Besides, someone else would’ve thought of it sooner or later.”

“You’re just pissed and jealous it wasn’t you, Kaz. Ah, the kruge you missed out on,” Wylan replied. Jesper rubbed his forehead in disbelief. The boy really didn’t have a sense of what was good for him.

“Anyway…I’m pretty sure Jesper here was saying something,” Inej said, exasperated. 

“A boy's sleepover,” Jesper replied simply.

“No,” Kaz said in kind.

“Kaz, it’s worth trying. Nina and I had a sleepover when we met in Ravka and it was really fun,” Inej commented. She went over to Kaz and whispered some words into his ear. 

“Okay, fine,” Kaz grumbled after Inej finished. Jesper and Wylan shared a knowing look while smirking. “I’m sleeping on the floor on a cot,” Kaz finished with a glare, “You two can figure everything else out.”

-------------

“Okay, I think we should start with Never Have I Ever,” Jesper began. They had set up a few pillows on the bed and had placed a small lamp on the tiny shelf beside the bed. The three boys were relaxed on the bed, some excited and others annoyed.

“Now what stupid game is this?” Kaz rasped, pulling at the cuffs of his black gloves and not actually caring for the answer.

“Okay, so you basically say something you’ve never done before and anyone who has done it has to drink a shot,” Jesper explained while grinning maniacally.

“You’ve been living with me for months. No, Jesper,” Wylan deadpanned, looking at Jesper with an affronted face.

“Ughhhh…fine. Without the drinks, then. Just raise your hand, I guess. The boring version. I’ll begin. Never have I ever…knowingly talked to royalty.”

Kaz begrudgingly raised his hand. “It’s not my fault you two dunderheads couldn’t figure it out.”

“We love you too, Kaz,” Jesper continued, “But we didn’t know about Sturmhond and I haven’t seen Nina since she’s become a princess. Lucky girl but honestly not unexpected. That girl has enough charisma to put all of Ketterdam under her spell.”

Jesper decided he had more than enough charisma to do the same but decided not to mention it.

“Your turn.”

Seemingly bored, Kaz mentioned, “Never have I ever called my significant other ‘pigheaded’.”

Both Wylan and Jesper sheepishly raised their hands while Wylan’s face turned a dark shade of beet red.

For a while, Wylan sat in deep thought. It seemed a small revenge was in order tonight. “Never have I ever called my significant other ‘an investment’.”

“We’re past that now,” Kaz groaned while tilting back his head, “I’ve apologized to her numerous times and she forgave me.”

Wylan rolled his eyes while making a mocking face. “Sure thing, boss,” he said in a tone that suggested Kaz would never again truly be his boss.

Jesper hadn’t even noticed Kaz moving but now the boy was making a coin disappear and reappear through his fingers, not noticing Jesper gawking at it. Kaz flicked the coin in the air towards a closet and seemingly from nowhere, Inej appeared and caught it. 

“Inej, are you kidding me. You seriously couldn’t resist,” Jesper deadpanned.

Inej snorted while flipping said coin into the air. “Haha, no. A chance to get tea on you guys and miss it? What do you guys think I’d do? And yes, it took about six months but I did forgive him.”

Kaz smiled. “You are too good at your job, and too good a person, Inej, treasure of my heart.”

Now Inej laughed, throwing back her head and sending echoes throughout the bedroom.

“Shhhhhh! Do you want to wake the entire Slat up?” Jesper whispered loudly.

Kaz sent daggers at Jesper with his eyes but they all continued with the game.

“Never have I ever learned magic tricks,” Jesper muttered, still in awe.

“Seriously, Jesper? I’m not even bothering to raise my hands for this one. And no, I’m not teaching you. Don’t even think about it .”

They played for a while longer, this time Truth or Dare. Inej confessed to having a stomachache for an entire day after having a few too many Ravkan waffles with Nina. Jesper dared Wylan to kiss him. They kissed for a minute before Kaz had had enough and threatened to dump their corpses in the middle of Geldstraat if they didn’t stop. Nothing was as surprising, though, as Kaz admitting he liked hot chocolate.

“No. Way,” Jesper said, saying what everyone was thinking. That’s when he noticed, Kaz’s eyes seemed to have lightened from the pitch black of midnight to the warm dark brown of hot chocolate.

“Kaz has a sweet tooth, Kaz has a sweet tooth,” Wylan teased. Kaz didn’t miss a beat and threw a pillow at Wylan’s head. Soon, pillows and insults were flying around the entire room as they were laughing.

After the entire room was a mess of feathers, Kaz got up and dropped himself on his cot.

“I don’t mind sleep deprivation but you guys are wasting my time. Let me sleep,” Kaz groaned, shutting his eyes.

“Aaaand he’s back,” Wylan and Jesper mumbled at the same time. Inej just smiled fondly while shutting off the lamp and then climbing out the window, signaling the time for them to finally sleep.

Wylan snickered, though in a friendly, teasing manner. “Hot chocolate. What’s next, Kaz Brekker petting goats?” Jesper laughed softly, as to not let Kaz know. It all seemed in vain, though, when they heard Kaz speak.

“Corpses. Geldstraat,” Kaz rasped with a full-blown glare. That shut them up.

Chapter Text

Wylan

Brushing his curls from his eyes, Wylan looked at the hellhole that was his hometown. He saw the Ketterdam shoreline receding (much like his father’s hairline, now that he thought about it), the smoggy grays and dull browns distancing themselves from him and coalescing into an ugly blur. He supposed the last time he’d looked at a coastline from a boat, he’d almost been killed but with a deep breath, he banished the thought from his mind, vowing to deal with it later. 

He instead replaced those thoughts with other, somewhat sillier ones. He instead imagined the shore of Ketterdam with sand, ah yes, soft, beige sand, with those cute umbrellas that would prevent someone like him from getting sunburned. To add to that, he’d get himself and Jesper some fancy lemon water and that brownie from Keegan’s that he never really got to try. Inej and Kaz would be there, as well. Inej would be splashing in the water with Jesper, and they’d both be trying to get each other wet. Kaz would…hit seagulls while swinging his cane, Wylan decided. He’d scream at the top of his lungs for the seagulls to leave him alone because dammit, he was a crow, for Ghezen’s sake, not a cowardly water bird. 

With that image in his mind, giggles escaped from his lips, eventually turning into snorts. 

“What’s so funny, Wy?” Jesper questioned as he hugged Wylan from the side, an eyebrow quirked curiously. 

Wylan kept chuckling. “I…nothing. Just that Kaz…”

“I what?” Kaz said from behind him. Wylan and Jesper jumped in fright.

“Saints, you need to spend less time with Inej,” Wylan wheezed, “I can’t deal with two silent people. You two may as well be ghosts.”

Jesper froze. Kaz’s grip tightened on his cane, the sharp hilt of the steel crow digging into his glove, almost drawing blood. Wylan gulped as his fingers began to shake. He couldn’t stop himself and began to imagine every possible action he could've done that fateful day. If I’d simply followed him, if I’d taken that path instead of the one I ended up taking, Matthias could still be alive. If…

Kaz frowned at Wylan, and if Wylan didn’t know any better, he’d say that Kaz Brekker seemed almost worried for him. Right, I can’t be distracted on the job. That’s what it is. Nothing else. 

--------------

Wylan closed his eyes and pictured the layout of the imposing building. Huge glass pillars loomed over him. Large panes of glass let through beams of sunlight, illuminating the red curls over his eyes. What else? 

“What else? Why do I have to be here?” Matthias grumbled as Wylan opened his eyes, too late realizing he must have said that last part aloud, “You’re fully capable of doing this on your own.”

Wylan said nothing and trained his eyes down. Once again he began sketching the walls of the Ice Court Embassy. 

“Why are you here?” Matthias pondered, “You literally look twelve, for Djel’s sake. Seem delicate enough to topple over in the wind.”

Wylan finally looked up and decided to speak. “Delicate? Am I the one tied to a chair because I was a weak, manic hostage?”

Matthias’s mouth was left hanging open as he sputtered. 

“That’s what I thought.”

Wylan worked a while longer until he heard activity outside his room. He made his way over to the kitchen, got two meals, and made his way back to the room. He set one in front of Matthias and began eating from the other. When he looked up, Wylan saw that Matthias still hadn’t touched his plate. 

“Eat. It’s not poisoned, I promise.”

Matthias still didn’t touch his plate. “I’m not hungry.” Unfortunately, that was the exact moment Matthias’s stomach decided to rumble. 

Wylan couldn’t help himself. He laughed until his stomach hurt. To his surprise, Matthias gave a small smile. Matthias sighed in seeming defeat and brought the food to his lips. 

“You are slightly more tolerable than the others on this cursed boat,” Matthias said grudgingly. 

‘ I’d hope so,’ Wylan thought, ‘ they don’t exactly set a high bar.’

----------------

Wylan smiled nostalgically at the memory. Oh, how times change. A year ago he saw them as nothing more than thieves and gangsters and now they were people he wouldn’t hesitate to risk his life for. He tried not to let his memories of Matthias become tainted with sadness, preferring to remember him for the joy he caused. Somewhere along the line, however, Matthias had become somewhat of a taboo in their group. 

He heard the door to his bedroom thump with the telltale sound of a crow cane. Wylan sighed. From where Kaz had acquired his taste in annoying Jesper and himself, Wylan did not know. 

Wylan approached the door and opened it, an unimpressed brow raised. 

“What?” he asked simply. 

Kaz rolled his eyes. “Who knows where you got that attitude from. Wasn’t from me. Wylan, I just wanted to talk.”

Wylan opened the door and gestured for Kaz to come in. 

“So…how’s it going?” Kaz asked, “You ready?”

Wylan immediately became wary and narrowed his eyes. “Yes…”

Kaz rubbed a gloved hand over his face. “Okay, I’ll cut to it. It wasn’t your fault, Wylan.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Matthias’s death. It isn’t your fault, Wylan. It’s mine.”

If it had been anyone else, Wylan would have hugged them. Instead, Wylan’s eyes teared up. “No, hell, you were willing to give yourself up for us. I could have done something, I wasn’t doing anything right then, I could’ve followed him, I could’ve saved him!”

“I was too busy with revenge to care for my own! I know you blame yourself. But not everything is your fault, Wylan.”

“Neither is everything yours, Kaz,” Inej stated as she entered the room with Jesper. 

Jesper sighed. “You don’t know if you could’ve saved him even if you were there. If anything, you may have died too.”

Jesper and Inej went over and hugged Wylan. They each offered a hand to Kaz and Kaz grasped them through his gloves. 

“We try to be better, okay? From now on, we share more with each other. And promise to not be so harsh towards ourselves.”

“I’ll try.” It was the best he could promise.

Chapter Text

Part 2: Demons

I wanna hide the truth

I wanna shelter you

But with the beast inside

There's nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come

This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat, look into my eyes

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close, it's dark inside

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

Demons by Imagine Dragons

Kaz

The sun was just touching the horizon, orange and full. The sky consisted of thick strokes of fuchsia, peach, and light indigo, with wispy clouds dotting the strokes. Kaz was rocking back and forth on their wooden tree swing while Jordie was pushing him, laughing.

“Kaz, you podge, let me have a turn.”

Da was on the side, in his checkered shirt and overalls, watching his two boys with a warm smile. 

“Now, now, Jordie, don’t call your little brother that.”

Kaz distinctly remembered that he only had a quarter bell until they all had to go inside, but he didn’t want to leave. 

“Da, can we just stay here forever?”

His Da smiled wistfully. “No, we can’t Kaz, you know that. Life goes on.”

“Besides,” Jordie interceded, “with a brain like yours, you could change the world. You gotta get out of here.”

In his experience, all Kaz had gained from his so-called amazing brain were snide comments and relentless teasing from his peers, but he decided not to mention that.

Instead, Kaz pouted. “You can do what you like Jordie. I’m just gonna stay here with Da forever. We’ll swing on the swing, cook and eat hutspot, and play hopscotch all day long!”

Now his Da really laughed. “You know I’m too heavy for that swing, Kaz. Besides, I gotta farm sometime.”

“I’ll figure something out.” Kaz’s eyes became unfocused towards the distance. He heard Jordie say something that vaguely sounded like scheming face.

Jesper?

Kaz awoke, gasping. He heard a loud clap over him. 

Lightning flashed through the sky and thunder soon shook through his bones. Waves began rocking the ship back and forth as Kaz gripped the wall for dear life. 

The boat rocked again and Kaz’s hands slipped from the grips on the wall. He landed on his bad knee, hard, and screamed from the pain. His surroundings blurred in the faint moonlight; he couldn’t tell the door from the desk. 

He let in one deep breath, then another. As his surroundings began to clear, he slowly got up and took steps towards the door, one at a time. When he opened the door, though, he froze at the sight. 

There were corpses around him, in the sea, wet and bloating, their skin peeling off in large clumps. He distantly heard someone shout his name but it was too late. The water had pulled him in. He was drowning.

Chapter Text

Wylan

        Wylan was currently attempting to convince himself that he wasn’t in the middle of an apocalypse and was failing miserably. The Crows had always cut it close with dangerous and insurmountable odds, yet this situation seemed especially despicable. Much of the crew had already been crushed in the waves making their way on the ship. He himself couldn’t look at many of the corpses surrounding him. Inej was gathering rope and trying to throw it out to people already in the sea, trying to reel them back in. Jesper was giving out wooden boards to help people float in the water.

        “Hurry up! This ship is going to sink!” Jesper yelled to everyone. Jesper exuded calm as he always did in the middle of a distressing situation. Inej and Kaz had always said that Jesper was always at his best in the middle of a fight, and Wylan could definitely see that now.

        Wylan attempted to make his way to Jesper, stumbling along the way from the rocking of the ship.

        “We need to get off of here!” Wylan shouted.

        “Where’s Kaz?” Jesper asked, looking around in fright.

        Wylan scouted around, and his eyes landed on the boy, in front of an ajar door, utterly petrified.

        Oh Saints, out of all the times, why now?

        He sighed. He supposed he couldn’t complain. He wasn’t much better.

        Sighing again, he walked as fast as he realistically could on a rocking ship and approached Kaz.

        “Kaz, we have to go. Now. Kaz, I know you aren’t okay. But…we need to do this.”

        “Keep talking,” Kaz rasped.

        “Okay, okay. I know this is not a good situation. Not at all.” Wylan currently felt the opposite of eloquent.

        Can’t come up with anything better?

        “Just follow me,” he replied instead, “I…haven’t had the best experience with bodies of water, either.”

        Kaz finally looked at him, in mild intrigue, like there was a missing piece to Wylan that Kaz didn’t fathom, though he was still gasping and heaving.

        “Okay, just breathe with me,” Wylan instructed, trying to calm Kaz down. He exaggerated his breaths, breathing in slower than he usually did for about a minute. Jesper often used this tactic with him, and it seemed to work with Kaz. Thankfully, as Kaz breathed in and out with him, he seemed to feel better, although his face still looked a little green and pale.

        “I don’t…want to get in there,” Kaz said, looking anywhere besides at Wylan, embarrassed. Wylan would have to ask about that later, but he knew now wasn’t the time. He himself could barely contain his panic. He’d have to face his demons once again, and he had zero choice in it.

Will it ever end?

        “I know, but we have no choice,” he stated with more confidence than he felt. Wylan knew, though, that if any person could beat all the odds and come out triumphant, it was the man right in front of him. “Besides, you’re strong and you keep persisting, despite the odds. You’re Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, Bastard of the Barrel, King of the gangs of Ketterdam, and one hell of a survivor. You can do this.”

--------------

        They’d eventually opted for Kaz and Jesper to swim on one plank and Wylan and Inej on the other.

        “But…” Inej had protested, desperate. Her eyes were pleading, flicking towards Kaz. Jesper tensed, but he was firm in his decision.

        “Look, Inej, trust me, it’ll just work better,” Jesper had countered, though looking at Kaz with worry.

        Inej had looked like she wanted to say something else but eventually relented.

        “Okay, just make sure you guys are close to us,” Inej had finally said.

        Distinctly, in the back of his mind, Wylan knew they were in the ocean. Distinctly, he knew Inej was there with him, and he had a plank to give him support. But now, all he could see was himself swimming in the canal, running from Miggson and Prior.

        He thrashed around, trying to get as far away from the boat as he could. His lungs filled with water as he gulped for air. Keep going. Keep going, he thought, a mantra in his head. It was the only thing that kept him floating, but now, even that couldn’t help him. He felt himself sinking deeper and deeper even as he cried out for help. He’d lost hope and let out a final sob as the rest of his lungs filled with water. Distinctly, he heard a girl shouting, seeming frantic. “...Wylan!” she seemed to scream.

        Wylan felt the waves coming over his head and submerge him. He willed himself to be calm as water started to go into his nose. Before he choked on the water, Inej pulled him and their shared wooden board out. After he coughed out the water wracking his lungs, Wylan rasped, “Thank you.”

        Inej gave Wylan a concerned glance. “Of course, Wylan. Let’s keep paddling.”

        They tried to swim as close to Jesper and Kaz as much as possible. In the hurried scuffle, Kaz had lost his cane and was attempting to swim, although he was doing so while constantly grimacing. Wylan looked closer. Kaz’s eyes were closed.

        “Jesper! Is Kaz okay?”

        Jesper sighed, but a look of utter fright seemed to possess him. “I tried to pull him out of it, but I couldn’t do anything. He was hyperventilating and he passed out. I’ll take care of him. I can manage.”

Wylan patted his back to see whether he still had his bag. It was the only thing he could decide to get and luckily he hadn’t unpacked much on the ship. It kept weighing him down, but like in the canal, he couldn’t make himself get rid of it.

        After what felt like hours, his body started to tire from the physical fatigue and stress. Adrenaline and fear can only last so long. He couldn’t lose hope, though, not now. He squinted towards the distance and saw something he hadn’t seen before.

        “Inej…is that?” Wylan started, simultaneously hoping could it be while not letting his hopes go up for nothing.

        “Land! Oh, finally! Thank the Saints!” Inej finished while crying tears of joy. Or maybe that was just the salty ocean water.

        Seeing his destination in sight, Wylan kicked harder to get to sweet land faster. He saw Inej and Jesper beside him do the same, Jesper looking down at Kaz to make sure he was fine, fueled by a hope for calm after a storm. Once his feet reached the beach, he raced as far away from the water as he could and decided to listen to his body. He laid down on the beach and promptly passed out.

Chapter Text

Jesper

Jesper’s eyes fluttered open at the crack of dawn. At first, confusion settled in. This was most definitely not the Van Eck mansion. Sand surrounded his body and stuck to his lime green pants. Waves lashed at his feet. He jumped back in fear, wanting nothing to do with them. Behind him, tall pine trees towered over him, covering him with a cool shade. Bushes lined the beginnings of a large forest. On the left, Jesper could make out a jagged mountain with substantial foliage. 

Just then, the events of last night came back to him with full force. Right after, as if that hadn’t been reminder enough, his chest began to rattle with wet coughs. His throat and chest felt raw, but he forced himself to get up. Wylan, Kaz, and Inej , he remembered. Where were they? Were they okay? 

He looked around frantically, trying to find them. He sighed in relief as he saw them down the coastline. He sauntered over to Wylan. 

Wylan was sitting on a wooden plank, his eyes unfocused. He barely noticed as Jesper sat beside him. Jesper went next to him and hugged him from the side. Rather than relaxing into his arms, as he usually did, Wylan flinched away from him. 

“Hey, hey. Is everything alright? Did I do something?” Jesper asked cautiously, concern lining his features.

Wylan shuddered. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t know.” His eyes were guarded but simultaneously held an everlasting sadness to them. Jesper felt his heart clench in his chest.

“But that’s the thing, Wylan,” Jesper said softly, “We live together but we barely tell each other anything. I don’t know anything about you from before the Barrel.”

“Can’t I say the same for you?” Wylan countered angrily. He turned away from Jesper and hugged his own body.

Jesper calmed his breathing down. He didn’t like disappointing people and wanted minimal confrontation. 

“Hey, let’s talk about this later, okay?” Jesper asked, looking at Wylan. Please let this work, he prayed, though to whom, he had no idea.

“Yeah, okay,” Wylan mumbled, so quiet Jesper had to crane to hear him.

Jesper tried to find Inej and Kaz. He saw them near the bushes. Inej was beside Kaz, talking to him comfortingly while Kaz was bent over, vomiting in the bushes.

“Oh, Saints,” Jesper mumbled softly as he approached them.

“Hey, how’s Kaz?” Jesper questioned Inej worriedly once he was beside her.

“Not great,” Inej sighed, “He lost his cane so his leg is worse than usual, I think he has a concussion, maybe that’s why he passed out, he may be sick, and he’s suffering from…memories.”

“What do you mean?” Wylan asked.

“Honestly…I don’t know,” she muttered with a heavy weight, “And even if I did, it wouldn’t be my place to say.”

As Wylan looked around in his bag for something to help Kaz, Jesper looked around him until he saw something that caught his eye. 

“Hey, I’ll be right back,” he said to Inej and Wylan, “You guys can stay here.”

Jesper found a clearance between two bushes and made his way into the forest. Jesper peered up. The trees were tall, with huge healthy leaves creating substantial shade on the forest floor. Pockets of sunlight peeked through and shone on tiny saplings and on Jesper like tiny spotlights. A twisty, crooked path presented itself to Jesper and he began to traverse it, making sure not to go near any of the Ravkan poisonous insects his mother had told him about. Finally, he found what he wanted. He picked up multiple sturdy sticks that were about half his height, took long, thick grasses and wrapped and knotted them around the sticks, then tested his weight on it. Satisfied, he took his contraption back to the beach.

“Well,” Jesper started, “Could this work as a temporary cane?”

Wylan took the cane in his hands and seemed to test it. Inej took it from him and subjected the cane to her own tests. They both nodded, giving their approval.

By now, Kaz had seemed to shake himself out of his stupor and had grabbed the cane from Inej. Kaz pushed himself up unsteadily with the makeshift cane. He gave a small smile and a grateful nod to Jesper.

“Can you show me how this works? It’s different from my other cane.”

Jesper nodded and reached out to grab the cane. However, just as his hands were about to circle the wood, a tiny bit of the upper part of his palm brushed Kaz’s skin. Kaz immediately recoiled back and fell in a sitting position in front of a tree. Hugging himself into a fetal position, he began gasping and panting like a spooked animal. His eyes seemed far away in a worse place and sorrowful tears began leaking out as his shoulders began shaking with sobs. 

Kaz covered his mouth as another sob overtook him. “Jordie…” he choked out in a mournful cry, “don’t leave me. Don’t leave me!”

The panting got faster, and Inej sat beside him, making sure not to touch him. She began to talk about various topics, from her life in the Suli caravan to her visit with Nina to reminding Kaz of their own shared experiences, hoping to distract him. Eventually, Kaz’s panting seemed to get slower until the only thing that remained were heaving breaths and residual tears.

I did that, Jesper thought, his eyes downcast, Why don’t I ever do anything right?

“You just rest here for a little while, okay?” Inej instructed Kaz as her voice cracked slightly and her eyes softened with worry.

Kaz listened to her and within a few minutes, his eyes were shut, though his sleep looked far from peaceful. He resembled a little boy trembling, faced with unforgiving monsters in his sleep against which he could do absolutely nothing except watch in fear. Perhaps that’s what scared Kaz Brekker more than anything. Feeling powerless. 

Jesper looked around at all of them. Wasn’t that what scared them all? That was their motivation behind everything, wasn’t it? Hiding themselves behind fabricated facades. Not telling anyone about their pasts, even when it started to eat them up inside. Pretending to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, even when they didn’t know who they truly were. Risking their lives before allowing themselves to be vulnerable.

For all its bright colors and evergoing excitement, that’s what Ketterdam took from people. Their childhood innocence, their freedom to feel , their belief in their ability to belong, all more prematurely than they might’ve had to face otherwise, if at all.

The silence wrapped itself around him and began to suffocate him, making him known of his guilt. You did this. You did this.

But this may have never happened had he known. Not about what happened in Kaz’s past, that was private. Jesper had known Kaz for years. Didn’t he think an aversion to touch might be something to mention? Or did Kaz still not trust him? A jealous pang ran through him but he pushed it down. That’s not what Kaz needed right now. He needed someone to help him. They all did.

Chapter Text

Inej

Inej stood completely still, her eyes unfocused. Her hair was unkempt and hopelessly messy. Her hands were trembling, but she barely noticed. She wasn’t thinking, she couldn’t think. Because when you feel too trapped to fight and too trapped to flee, you just…freeze. 

Kaz had finally slept, so she’d distanced herself from her friends, giving the excuse along the lines of finding a place for shelter. But as she’d walked along the coastline, she couldn’t miss the similarities between this place and the place where she was taken from her family. The same trees, the same sand, the same weather even… I can’t do this. 

Then she thought about Wylan flinching. Kaz huddling in on himself to try to gain some sort of control against his demons. Jesper feeling guilty. All those emotions and more were forming themselves into an ache in her throat. She felt herself again turning into that helpless girl at the Menagerie. Having all her firsts stolen away. Trying to send her consciousness out of her body. Questioning her will to live. But you can defend yourself now, you can do so much more. 

That only succeeded in amplifying her sorrow and she couldn’t do anything but collapse on the ground and start weeping. Thick, salty rivers made their way down her cheeks and dropped on her thighs as her shoulders shook against her will. She must’ve been louder than she’d thought because soon after she saw Jesper sitting down in front of her, holding his hands open. Inej nodded and Jesper wrapped his hands around her and she weeped still harder into his shoulder. 

They sat in silence for what felt like hours until Inej couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Why?” Inej cried out.

“Inej…” Jesper muttered as tears filled his own eyes. 

“Just as I think I’m getting better, something just slams me in the face and I’m back there. It’s gone, it’s literally gone, but my head won’t let it go. What am I supposed to do, Jesper?”

“I…I can’t tell you, Inej.”

Inej sensed what he didn’t say. I have the same question.

Finally, Jesper spoke. “I have no idea what you went through, and I never can know. And I know it’ll affect you for a long time. But…know that I’m here. That I’ll listen to you, be a shoulder for you to cry on. I’ll try to help you. Because that’s what friends do. And if you ever need to tell me something or ask something from me, I’m right here. And so are your other friends. Kaz, Wylan, Nina. They’re here to help you too.”

Her gaze blurred as she remembered what Specht had told her a few months prior. Don’t bottle it up inside. It’ll consume you up. 

She’d never felt so grateful for the people around her than she had in that moment. 

Her fingers grasped the necklace her parents had given her of Sankta Marya and unclasped it from her neck. She put it around Jesper’s neck. Inej knew right then that she had made the right decision.

“To help you be strong,” Inej stated when Jesper opened his mouth, “and to remind you that you’re not alone either. I know you don’t believe in the Saints, but in Suli culture, we give these to commemorate the bond between siblings. You are like a brother to me, and I will always protect you.”