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Chapter Text

Tachihara couldn't believe he was actually excited for this holiday a couple of days ago. 

He'd thought it would be a nice, relaxing break after all their hard work after the last few months, and he'd even convinced Mori to give him time off from the mafia to go. That was possibly the worst mistake the ginger had ever made. He could have been hanging out with his partner Gin right now, but oh no, of course he had to be stuck in an extremely small, hot Volkswagen with every year's candidates for Japan's Least Sane. They were going to Okinawa, which meant a 15 hour drive to Kagoshima followed by a 4 hour flight. With his coworkers. Tachihara was doomed.

"Are we there yet?" Tecchou's voice came from the backseat, startling Tachihara. 

"No, you idiot, we've barely even been driving for an hour!" Jouno sounded even more irritated than normal. Clearly the hot, noisy car was getting to his heightened senses. If he wasn't such a bitch, Tachihara might actually have felt bad for him.

"I'm already out of snacks!" Teruko sounded like she was actually about to burst into tears. Honestly, Tachihara found it hard to believe he was the youngest person there. For the strongest unit in the whole military, his fellow Hunting Dogs sure acted a lot like toddlers.

There was a rustling of paper. In the rearview mirror, Tachihara saw Tecchou pull something out of a bag. Oh no.

"Would you like a mustard-coated Asian pear? I brought extra."

In the middle seat, Jouno made a noise like a puppy that had just been violently kicked. "Get that abomination out of my face! I can smell it! This is assault on my nose!"

Teruko gave Tecchou a death glare. He didn't seem to notice and kept waving the... unique food combination around. In front of Jouno. Tachihara thought steam might actually start coming out of the other man's ears. 

"I can't take this any more!" Jouno shoved Tecchou's arm away, sending the mustard pear flying onto Teruko's lap. The pink-haired woman shrieked. 

"Commander, why do I have to sit between these two annoying idiots?" Jouno lent into the front of the car.

"Well, you're blind, so it would be a waste to give you a window seat," Teruko replied, not giving her beloved Commander a chance to respond. "No point giving the view to someone who can't see it."

"So instead I have to sit between two people who make me want to rip my ears off? If Tecchou brings out any more of his disgusting food combinations I'm climbing over Teruko and throwing myself out of the window!"

Tachihara sighed. As usual, Jouno was making more noise than anyone else by complaining about how noisy the others were being. 

"Hey, Commander?" He turned to the man driving. "Do you have any music or something? I don't really want to have to listen to those three bicker for another fourteen hours."

"Oh yes, of course!" Fukuchi said cheerfully. Somehow the chaos occurring in the back wasn't bothering him, or maybe he just wasn't showing his distress. He inserted a CD into the CD player. Tachihara breathed a sigh of relief. And then the unthinkable happened.

"Is this jazz!?" Jouno shrieked. "This is assault on my poor ears! Switch it off!"

Fukuchi sighed and turned the volume down. He glanced over at Tachihara. "Talk about high maintenance, huh? Hahaha!"

"I'm bored," Teruko announced.

"Let's play I-Spy," Tecchou said in his usual emotionless tone. "I'll go first."

"Oh, okay!" Teruko genuinely sounded excited. Seriously, how old were these people?

Tecchou looked out of the window. "Hmmm... I spy with my little eye... something beginning with T."

"Tree!" Teruko said.

Tecchou nodded. "Yes. Jouno, your go."

Tachihara flinched, bracing himself for an explosion. But to his surprise, Jouno responded calmly. Well, calmly by Jouno standards.

"Tecchou-san, I spy with my little eye something beginning with D."

"Doorbell," Tecchou said confidently.  Jouno glared at him.

"What? No, you imbecile! Darkness! Complete and total darkness! I'm fucking blind, you idiot!"

Tachihara sighed. There it was.

Behind him, Teruko sniggered. "Tecchou's the one doing the fucking."

"Wha-what-Te-" Jouno sounded like a glitchy record player. His face had gone almost as red as the Hunting Dogs' uniforms. Tachihara groaned. Did Teruko actually have a deathwish?

There was a moment of silence. Then Jouno punched Teruko and Teruko immediately burst into tears.

"Commander, Jouno punched me!" she wailed, tears pouring down her face. Fukuchi didn't respond, which Tachihara thought seemed unusual.

The ginger turned to look at him, and immediately had a heart attack. Fukuchi didn't have his hands on the wheel or his eyes on the road. Instead he was looking at a rather grainy photo of Fukuzawa, the president of the Armed Detective Agency, and brushing his hand across the other man's face. 

Tachihara threw himself across and grabbed the wheel, narrowly avoiding swerving into the expensive-looking car in the lane next to them. "Oh for fu- Commander, please stop lovingly caressing a poor quality photo of your ex and focus on driving!"

"Right, right, sorry." Unlike the three in the back, Fukuchi did seem genuinely apologetic. He put his hands back on the steering wheel. "Oh, is that a sports car in the next lane?"

Tachihara groaned. "Commander, please don't do this-"

Fukuchi sped up.

They shot past the other car, so fast the rest of the road turned into a blur. Teruko was cheering her beloved Commander on, yelling to him to 'leave them in the dust', 'smash them', and 'take no prisoners'. Jouno was screaming. Tecchou's face was as blank as ever. Does he really not care that we're currently going 280 MPH? Fukuchi turned the jazz up. Jouno screamed louder.  Tachihara slumped down in his seat with a sigh. 

Eventually, they reached a service station, and Fukuchi told them they could get out to buy snacks and go to the bathroom.Tachihara stumbled out of the car and walked into the small shop, his legs trembling like a baby deer walking for the first time. He sucked the fresh air into his lungs. I made it halfway through.

Teruko was skipping around the shop, piling sweets and chocolate into her arms. Oh, right. Snacks. Tachihara grabbed a large chocolate bar- he really needed the sugar, and the Hunting Dogs' diets were strict and didn't permit sweets very often. It's fine just this once, I guess. Then he went to join the others, who were already in the queue. He couldn't see what Fukuchi was buying, but had a depressingly clear view of the dried beef and chocolate sauce Tecchou was holding. 

"I'm blind. Can I have a discount?" Jouno asked, to Tachihara's horror. Why does he always try this? He decided now would be a good time to go.

Tachihara took a deep breath and tried to mentally prepare himself as he climbed back into the car. He was sitting in the middle now- Jouno had asked him to swap, and Tachihara had been too afraid of the other man throwing a tantrum to say no. This meant that he had to be next to Tecchou while he was eating beef dipped in chocolate sauce, and both the smell and the sight made him want to puke.

"I can't believe she didn't give me a discount." Jouno folded his arms grumpily.

"I can't believe you threatened to behead her! You're lucky we didn't all get kicked out without a chance to buy our snacks!" Teruko snapped.

The car set off. The first few minutes of driving seemed fairly peaceful, if he blocked out Jouno's complaints about Fukuchi's music choice. Then they stalled for a second, and he heard the pop of a can from the front of the car. Tachihara peered over at Fukuchi.

"Commander, is that a can of beer!?" he shrieked.

"Oh, yes. I'm sorry- I forgot to offer you any," the commander replied, taking a swig as Tachihara watched in horror.

"That isn't the issue! Commander, you're drunk driving!"

"It isn't drunk driving if I only drink when we aren't moving."

"Are you actually trying to kill us all!?"

The car shot off again. Tachihara was more aware than ever that he was currently trapped in a highly flammable steel box, travelling very fast down a road surrounded by other highly flammable steel boxes. He was definitely going to come out of this 'relaxing holiday' with a fear of cars, and probably everything else the others involved him in.

His phone buzzed. It was a text from Gin. How's the holiday?

Tachihara sighed. He wished he could vent to his partner, but as far as they were concerned, he was Michizou Tachihara the mafioso. He couldn't do anything that might expose him, so he'd told Gin he was going on his own. Fine. I miss you, though.

"Who are you talking to, Tachihara?" Teruko snatched his phone. "Oh! Is this that mafia girl you're into?"

"Gin's non-binary," Tachihara said. 

"Mafia person you're into. You haven't told them-"

"No! I haven't told Gin I'm a Hunting Dog! I'm not stupid, Teruko."

Teruko punched him in the arm. "Debatable. And I was just making sure, anyway."

"My, my, Tachihara-kun. You have a partner in the mafia?" Jouno's voice came from the passenger seat. "That'll be difficult when the infiltration's over. I'd recommend you break it off as soon as possible. "

Tachihara stiffened. "I-"

Teruko lent forward and punched Jouno in the arm. "No-one asked for your input, you stupid blind sadist!"

"Hey!" Teruko and Jouno began engaging in an extremely childish fight through the sides of the car seats. The car stopped again so Fukuchi could swig more beer. Tachihara pulled out his phone and texted Gin again. If I don't make it back, just know that I love you.

They drove on in relative peace.

"Oh, can you make sure you have your boarding passes for the plane?" Fukuchi asked. "So you're all prepared."

Tachihara pulled his out of his pocket. "Got it."

"I have mine, Commander!" Teruko squealed. "Are you impressed?"

"It's this, I think?" Jouno held up what the others confirmed to be his boarding pass. "Tecchou-san?"

"Um..." Tecchou rifled around in his bag, pulling out a piece of paper. "Here- wait, no, that's my autism diagnosis."

Jouno choked on air. "Your- Tecchou, why do you carry around your autism diagnosis!?"

"In case I need it. Oh, here it is."

"Why on Earth would you ever need your autism diagnosis?" Jouno sounded like an exasperated mother talking to a misbehaving toddler.

And so Japan's strongest military unit eventually reached Kagoshima airport. Fortunately, Fukuchi only ran one person over, and his status as a war hero prevented the police and the victim's family from getting too angry. Tachihara spent most of the journey crouched down in his seat, pretending he didn't exist while Jouno, Teruko, and Tecchou yelled at each other and Fukuchi got more and more drunk. Getting through the airport was going to be hell.

Chapter Text

Tachihara had a window seat, which would have been nice if it didn't also mean he was trapped in by the other Hunting Dogs, and if Teruko wasn't constantly climbing over him to look out at the view.  

The other passengers were constantly shooting them looks ranging from confusion to death glares almost as bad as Teruko's. Tachihara would probably have been doing the same if he wasn't with the others. 

"This isn't all the same colour," Tecchou said dolefully, poking at his bland-looking airplane curry with a chopstick. 

"Oh, would you just eat it?" Jouno snapped. "It would do you good to eat some normal food combinations for once, Tecchou-san."

Tachihara agreed with Jouno, although he would never say so out loud. Tecchou, however, obviously didn't. He pushed the container away. 

In the aisle seat, Fukuchi, who had been drinking pretty much nonstop throughout the journey, was now absolutely hammered. He was clutching the same low-quality photograph of Fukuzawa that he had had in the car and was lovingly caressing it again, tears pouring down his face. "Oh, Yukichi, what has become of us?" he murmured.

Tachihara sighed. Does he keep that picture on him all the time? "Um, are you okay, Commander?"

At this, Fukuchi burst into tears. "No!" 

His sobs grew even more violent. "My boyfriend left me for a mafia boss! Of course I'm not okay!"

Tachihara winced. He shouldn't have asked.

Fukuchi's sobs were growing louder and louder as tears rolled down his worn face. He took another gulp of beer, and then began to howl with sadness. Jouno, who had the misfortune of sitting next to him, flinched and covered his ears, muttering profanities under his breath. 

"Jouno? Are you alright?" Tecchou looked at his partner with concern.

"I'm fine, Tecchou-san! Would you be quiet?" Jouno snapped, shoving him away. He rifled around in his bag, triumphantly pulling out a pair of lime green noise-cancelling headphones and shoving them over his ears. Tachihara wondered if he knew how obnoxiously lurid they were. 

A worried-looking flight attendant walked over to Fukuchi. "Are you alright, sir? Do you need anything?"

"I need Yukichi back!" Fukuchi was crying even harder. "I can't believe he'd leave me for- for that pedophile! Can you believe it?"

"U-um, no, sir," the poor flight attendant said, glancing at Tachihara with clear panic in her eyes. He shook his head slightly, mouthing at her just leave him. Hadn't it been twelve years since their breakup? Talk about a clingy ex. The ginger was oddly angered by Fukuchi's rude description of Mori- was he developing real loyalties to the man he was spying on? It's not wrong, though. 

Doing his best to block the others out, Tachihara turned to look out of the window. The view was beautiful. The Pacific, stretched out below them, was sparkling in the sunlight. A few small islands and rocks were sprinkled around, glittering green. He snapped a photo to send to Gin.

After a while, everything calmed down. Fukuchi passed out drunk, Teruko gazing lovingly at his sleeping form, and Jouno seemed a lot less irritable without the constant overstimulation his heightened senses caused him. Tecchou was stirring his apparently inedible curry around with his chopsticks, which was a little weird, but it wasn't hurting anyone. Tachihara smiled. Maybe the flight wouldn't be so bad after all.

And then Tecchou knocked his box of curry over.

Right into Jouno's lap.

Tachihara's life flashed in front of his eyes as he made a futile dive to catch it. 

Jouno screamed as the curry splashed over his clothes. He yanked his headphones off and grabbed the container, which still contained some curry. Tachihara watched in horror as Jouno threw the container right at Tecchou. The brown-haired man managed to duck just in time, meaning the box of curry flew past him- and hit Teruko in the face.

Teruko screamed even louder than Jouno had. Seriously, it sounded like a whole alley of stray cats were having their tails violently yanked. Still dripping with sludgy brown curry, she whipped her head round to give Jouno a glare so chilling Tachihara could feel it from the other end of the row. "Saigiku Jouno."

Jouno flinched. There was a look of sheer terror on his face, which shocked Tachihara. He'd never seen the other man show any emotion other than a) his usual thin smile or b) absolute rage and loathing at and of the entire world (but usually mostly Tecchou). "Teruko-"

Tachihara could sense Teruko's eyes boring a hole in Jouno's head.

Jouno gulped. "I-," he took a deep breath and choked out the words, "I'm sorry, Teruko-sama."

Teruko turned to Tachihara. "Tachihara. Wet wipe."

Wordlessly, Tachihara pulled one out of his emergency bag and handed it to the shorter woman. She wiped the curry off her face- well, most of it. Tachihara could still see some coating her bangs, but didn't say anything. Speaking to Teruko when she was in a mood like this was equivalent to cutting yourself and thrashing around in shark-infested waters. The vice-commander could be worse than Jouno.

Once her face was relatively clean, Teruko turned back to Jouno. Tachihara braced himself for another fistfight. 

But Teruko drew her sword. "Take this!"

How did she even get that on the plane? Tachihara watched in fascinated horror as the pink-haired woman whacked Jouno in the side, knocking him out of his seat and sending him sprawling across Fukuchi into the aisle. 

The other passengers burst into screams. Teruko jumped on top of Jouno and started attempting to strangle him. Tachihara wasn't really worried, though. They did this fairly often.

Jouno shoved Teruko off and drew his own sword, slashing through the seat next to him. The man sitting there screamed and leapt into the lap of the man next to him, who in turn shrieked. Tachihara hunkered down in his seat, desperately hoping nobody would realise he was with them. 

Fukuchi, awake now but seemingly unaware of the chaos around him, was pouring a whole bottle of vodka- one of many purchases at the airport liquor store- down his throat. Well, trying to. Most of it was splashing onto his face, mingling with his tears. His wrinkles formed miniature rivers. The air around him smelled like death. Even Tecchou was wrinkling his nose. 

Speaking of which, Tecchou also seemed completely unbothered. He was reading a children's insect encyclopedia while eating a sugar-coated boiled egg. Tachihara hated that, at this point in time, Tecchou looked like the sanest of the other Hunting Dogs. 

Tachihara lent back into his seat and stared out of the window, watching airplane security pull Teruko and Jouno- now sporting a small but visible bald spot- off each other through the corner of his eye. Fukuchi had slipped back into a catatonic state, and Tecchou was ridiculously engrossed in his book. He probably wouldn't even notice if the plane crashed. The relative peace was nice, and for a few blissful seconds Tachihara thought that maybe this holiday would go fine. Eventually, he even managed to slip into a dreamless sleep.

He was woken up several hours later by the deeply unpleasant sensations of the plane landing, Teruko punching him in the face, and Jouno making a noise like a cat that had just been kicked as Tecchou stabbed him in the ass. 

Every glimmer of hope he had for the week immediately vanished.

Chapter Text

Tachihara would have liked to get some food at the airport. Unfortunately, he was being escorted out by the police along with Jouno and Teruko, who were now banned from every airline in Japan. Apparently being incredibly high up in the military did not grant immunity from no-fly lists.

They all piled into the jeep, Jouno and Teruko still hissing and grumbling. Tachihara tried to avoid making eye contact with the driver as he handed over the wad of bills, but he could still feel his judgemental stare. He hopped into the passenger seat, hoping that the idiots in the back could manage a four-hour drive. He had that slight, nagging feeling that he'd forgotten something, but he managed to mostly supress it. The ginger yawned and slumped back into the seat.

The drive was, surprisingly, fairly peaceful. The car made its way relatively slowly through the quiet Naha streets, giving Tachihara plenty of time to look at the scenery. His stomach, which had felt like it was eating itself since they left the airport, let out an embarrassingly loud growl every time they passed a bar or ramen shop. Rays of sunlight lit the car up pleasantly, and specks of dust danced in front of Tachihara's eyes. It was nice, and once again he allowed himself to hope that the holiday would be fun and/or relaxing.

After a while, the city streets began to give way to the countryside, the road becoming bumpier and more dilapidated, the streets steeper, and the houses fewer and further between. The landscape was beautiful. The steep hills were covered in dense green jungle, bright tropical flowers occasionally flashing past. The sky was a shade of blue so bright it hurt his eyes to look up. Tachihara rolled the window down and let the heat wash over him. He yawned and let his eyes shut.

When he opened them again, the air was cooler and the sky a dusky purple. Tachihara had woken in a panic, cold sweat clinging to his forehead, the sense that something was wrong overpowering. The taxi driver looked at him quizzically but stayed silent. Tachihara checked the clock. 7:30. They'd been driving for about three hours. Not long left to go, then. He tried to steady his breathing and looked into the backseat in an attempt to sate his worries, barely managing to stifle a laugh at the sight that greeted him.

Tecchou was fast asleep in the middle seat, his stupid ant book dangling out of one hand. Teruko was sprawled across one of Tecchou's massive shoulders and Jouno's head gently resting on the other, their hair mingling together, chests rising and falling in unison. Tachihara pulled his camera out of his bag, turning the flash off so as not to disturb them, and snapped a photo. It would make excellent blackmail material against Jouno.

Tachihara smiled. As much as they annoyed, abused, and generally messed with him, he cared a lot about his fellow Hunting Dogs, which made the genuine loyalty to the mafia he was developing much harder to bear. It hurt knowing that doing what he wanted and defecting to the organisation he knew he belonged in would make enemies out of his closest friends. Out of the people he'd grown to consider family.

He wondered whether, if he did defect to the mafia and become an enemy of the Hunting Dogs, this would be the moment he thought of when he was lying slumped against a wall, gargling blood, Jouno's sword piercing his stomach. Part of him hoped it would be.

He looked away from the three of them and back to the-

Wait.

Three?

Tachihara did a double take. There were five people in the car, counting the driver. That didn't seem right.

Me, Teruko, Jouno, Tecchou. Me, Teruko, Jouno, Tecchou- oh.

"FUCK!"

The others shot awake, Jouno flushing bright red as he realised where his head had been. Teruko rubbed at her eyes. "What the hell, Tachihara?"

"We, uh, forgot the commander. Somehow."

"WHAT!?" Teruko shot up. "You're saying the poor captain is all on his own in the airport? He must be so scared!"

"He's a grown man, Teruko." Jouno pinched the bridge of his nose. "He can stay in the airport for the night. Serves him right for being such a disgusting drunkard. Why, I can barely breathe near him with the stench of alcohol he-OW!"

Teruko pulled her sword out of Jouno's foot. "Shut it, asshole. We're going back for him."

 Tachihara desperately searched his pockets for more money while desperately apologising to the driver. Eventually, he gave up his food budget for the trip, and they all climbed back into the car. 

"Fear not, Commander!" Teruko stabbed her sword upwards, puncturing the roof. Tachihara flinched. "Your knight in shining armour will rescue you!"

Jouno was hunched up in his seat, head in his hands, while Tecchou seemed as unbothered as usual.

The car turned round and made its way back the way it came, much faster than before. The silence was only interrupted by the driver muttering under his breath and Jouno complaining.

It was pitch black by the time they reached the airport. Teruko leapt out of the car before it had stopped, landing in a bush, and sprinted towards the door. The others followed, albeit a lot more grudgingly.

Teruko bodyslammed her way through the airport doors and stuck her sword into the face of a receptionist. "Where are you keeping the Commander, villain?  Tell me now and you can keep your head."

"Teruko!" Tachihara grabbed her. He turned to the receptionist. "I'm so sorry. We're just looking for our friend. Ignore her, she's..."

He let the sentence trail off. 

It took half an hour of frantic searching (Teruko) and the laziest searching imaginable (Jouno) to find Fukuchi.  The latter was refusing to take his noise-cancelling headphones off and use his enhanced senses to locate Fukuchi because he 'didn't like the commander enough to put up with the sound of Tecchou breathing'. 

Predictably, it was Teruko who managed to get to the commander first. He was lying face down and comatose on one of the plastic airport benches, bottle of vodka still dangling out of his hand. 

"Commander?" Teruko shook him violently. "Wake up, Commander!"

Fukuchi grunted softly, drool spilling down his chin, but didn't get up.

"Ugh. He's alive." Jouno groaned.

Tecchou sighed and slung one of Fukuchi's arms over his massive shoulder.  "We can carry him out."

Reluctantly, Tachihara took his other arm. They carried him out of the airport and into the car park, where they were met with an extremely unwelcome sight: the taxi was gone.

"...What's going on?" Jouno's voice broke the horrified silence.

"The taxi's gone, Jouno," Tecchou responded.

"We can find a hotel," Tachihara said, desperately trying to sound positive. "We're in central Naha. There'll definitely be somewhere to stay."

A little less than an hour of walking through Naha confirmed that there were places to stay. Unfortunately, they were all either closed or incredibly expensive.

"Hey, what about this place?" Teruko gestured towards a dirty grey block of a building. The sign read 'Yamada Motel'.  A poster taped to the wall confirmed that it was open all night, and had ridiculously low prices. 

All in all, it looked like it was probably completely infested with cockroaches and the sight of several murders. It was also their only hope.

Reluctantly, they entered the lobby, which was lit by flickering florescent lights and empty except for the desk and a motheaten armchair. The old woman behind the desk- Yamada, presumably- grabbed their money and slid over three room keys in silence. 

They split the rooms up into Tachihara and Fukuchi, Jouno and Tecchou- much to Jouno's chagrin- and Teruko on her own. Tachihara tried to ignore Teruko's baleful stare as they went to their rooms.

It was just as bad as Tachihara had thought. The room was tiny, the wallpaper peeling, and damp stains on the ceiling. A cockroach skittered across his foot. There was also only one bed.

Tachihara sighed and dumped Fukuchi onto the bed. He lay down on the floor and stared at the ceiling. Well, this is great. He just about managed to doze, despite Fukuchi's farts and grunts.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN THERE'S ONLY ONE BED!?"

...Crap.