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‘This is Smellie.’
‘Oh my god, she’s so puffy!’
‘You should come around my house and meet her! Are you free on Saturday?’
That’s how the conversation between Nick and I went a few days ago. Right now, I’m standing outside his house, a cold breeze blowing in my face. I don’t know how long I’ve been standing around like this but I definitely need to press that damn doorbell before I either freeze to death or the police come to check what I’m doing. At least there could be some snow to add romance to this moment.
Dramatic? Maybe.
Okay, here goes nothing. I breathe in deeply and press the damn bell.
The door opens a second too quickly, almost as if he’s been waiting on the other side. My heart drops a bit.
‘Hey.’
‘Hey.’
‘Um, this is Smellie.’
And there she is, a real-life stuffed skunk in Nick’s hands. I think I squeal a little because I’m so excited. When I told him that my mum doesn’t like plushies so I was never allowed to care for one, he couldn’t believe me and insisted that I meet Smellie at his house.
There was no hesitation from me.
‘Hi Smellie, you’re so adorable.’ I launch towards her and give her a nice scratch behind the ear.
Nick’s told me that I have to imagine what they do when playing with a plushie, so I picture her smiling and leaning more into my touch. Inevitably, my fingers brush against Nick’s and a spark of electricity spreads across my body. Part of me wants to deepen the touch and intertwine our fingers, but he instinctively pulls his hand back and scratches the back of his neck. I look at his face and notice an adorable blush. Fuck, he’s so beautiful. What am I doing here?!
‘Um, better come in or Smellie will think we’re going for a walk,’ he chuckles.
‘Yeah…’
‘I thought we could play some Mario Kart in my room?’ Nick asks as we walk deeper into the house.
‘You want to lose already?’
‘Oi!’
We both laugh.
‘Sounds good.’
‘Do you want something to drink first? Tea?’
‘Yes, please.’
Even though my insides are all warmed up, my bones are stone cold so a hot drink will be great.
‘Okay. You go ahead and take Smellie with you. It’s the first door at the top of the stairs. I’ll be there in a minute.’
I take the plushie from his hands and nod before heading up the stairs. The door to Nick’s bedroom is slightly open so I push it further to enter.
Is it what I imagined it would be? About sixty two percent. Sports memorabilia? Check. A poster of a sports car? As expected. A pink baseball bat covered in rhinestones on his windowsill and the only shelving unit in the entire room full of candles with celebrity faces cosplaying as Jesus? Not so much.
I place Smellie against the pillows as my head fills with confusion. The more I look around the room, the more I notice how weird it is. There is a poster of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley above the TV, but they are both wearing kilts. Well, Orlando is wearing half of one, because his nipples are out. Actually, is that…teeth instead of nipples? And why is there a suit of armour on the beanbag? Was it there before?! I move closer to touch it, but I now hear a crunching sound coming from the desk. I turn around and see a miniature duck eating a corn cob.
‘Sonya, eat quieter would you. Where the hell are your manners?’
I jump in place at the sound of another voice in the room. I shoot my head in every direction, but can’t see a single person anywhere.
‘So, this is the infamous Charlie that I keep hearing about. Here, sweetheart.’ I hear the attitude-filled voice again. It sounds oddly familiar…
A shiver goes down my spine as I realise where the voice is coming from. I turn around and see Smellie filing her nails. I stop breathing and blink rapidly at the sight.
‘Yeah, I know. Talking stuffed toy blah blah blah. You humans are so predictable, but can we skip the whole shocked phase and get to the part where you pass me that bag of crisps? And fetch me a pinot grigio while you’re at it, would you? And maybe a hot dog. I want a hot dog real bad.’
Jennifer Coolidge. That’s the voice.
‘What the fuck is going on?!’
‘He talks! What a twist.’
‘Yes, I talk. I’m a human. But you? Why do you talk?!’
‘Because I want to? I don’t bloody know, I’m not a scientist, am I.’
‘Does…does Nick know that you talk?’
‘That giant crybaby? He would lose his mind if he found out. And I need him even though he just won’t shut up. Why does he think I want to hear about you all the time? I’m sorry sweetheart, you sound nice and all, but I couldn’t care less about the colour of your eyes or the sound of your laugh.’
‘He–he talks about…me?’
‘All. The. Bloody. Time. Oh Smellie, Charlie helped me wash ink off my hands today. Oh Smellie, Charlie has such a nice giggle. Charlie this, Charlie that. Oh and I hate that name, by the way. Smellie? How dare he. I smell of fucking roses thanks to Sarah. Name is Samantha, darling.’
Smellie extends her paw towards me as if I should kiss it.
What the actual fuck is happening?! Why am I wearing a poncho in the colours of the French flag?!
‘Charlie!’ I hear Nick’s voice coming from the ground floor.
No, wait…It sounds like an echo.
‘Charlie! Can you hear me?’
‘Nick…’ I manage to say. It’s suddenly so cold.
‘Oh, I’m so glad you’re okay. You slipped and I was so worried.’
‘Nick…Smellie wants a pinot grigio.’