Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Xander blinked a few times and looked around. He'd just been escorting children trick or treating, in the only costume he'd been able to come up with due to his limited budget. A single piece of costume jewelry, a fake bald 'wig' combined with a LED from Radio Shack, and his Sunday best had made for a passable-

"Mr. Luthor, your three o'clock is here," the intercom announced, interrupting his thoughts.

"Send him in," Xander replied before leaning back in his chair, and examining the ring on his left hand with its softly glowing green stone. He knew he should be freaking out or shocked, but for some reason he felt remarkably calm and he could see a lot of ways he could have fun with this situation before it ended.

Xander looked up and saw a familiar looking face extending a hand to shake. "Give me a moment, Mr. Kent," Xander said, pulling a lead lined box out of a desk drawer and depositing his ring in it.

Clark shook his hand, making sure to make his grip limp and weak. "If I may ask, why did you take off your ring?" He'd expected to have to suffer through nearly half an hour of Kryptonite 's weakening effects to get his interview and had counted on the fact that Luthor kept people at a distance in his spacious office to help him endure it, but now Luthor had removed his ring, which meant he might have figured out who Superman was, making this all an elaborate trap!

"Because wearing it is childish, petty, and possibly dangerous now that I think about it," Xander replied.

Clark was surprised to hear the honesty and amusement in Luthor's tone. "Could you expand on that?"

"Sure," Xander said cheerfully. "Everyone knows I just wear it to annoy Superman and he's the last person on Earth who would actually attack me physically, ironic as that is. So it's both childish and petty to keep on wearing it. Now, it also occurred to me that no long term studies have been done to the effects of Kryptonite exposure on humans, thus possibly dangerous as well."

"That- that makes a great deal of sense," Clark said, trying to hide his surprise.

Xander chuckled. "And completely out of character for me, I know. The really funny part is that Superman is only vulnerable to Kryptonite because he's just about as bad at looking at the big picture as I was."

"How so?" Clark asked intently.

"Kryptonite radiation can be stopped by lead, gold, and similar high density metals as well as specifically tuned energy fields. He could easily redesign his costume using some of the advanced technology he has access to, to either cover him in some thin exotic kryptonite radiation blocking material on exposure or generate a field to block it."

"That's… quite an idea," Clark said in shock.

"That's nothing," Xander waved it off. "He could have a hidden red sun field generator in his belt so he could flip it on, neutralizing his powers and the kryptonite's effect on him."

"But that would make him powerless," Clark pointed out.

"Far from it," Xander said, shaking his head. "It would simply reduce him to near human levels, allowing him to go hand to hand without holding back."

"I hadn't thought of that," Clark admitted.

"Superman is a good guy and by that I mean a good man not just a good guy, if you get the difference. But if there's two things I'm good at, it's making money and annoying Superheroes, so you can bet he's had to restrain himself from hitting me at times," Xander said with a grin.

"You two have had your differences," Clark admitted.

"So imagine how satisfying it would have been for Superman to get to paste one on my grill, just mano a mano," Xander said, amused at the look on Clark's face as he realized he could have done just what Lex was describing and he'd now lost the opportunity.

"Being Superman he couldn't do much more than hit you a few times and turn you over to the cops," Clark said.

Xander laughed. "I'm a trained fighter, Superman isn't nearly as skilled. I'd beat him bloody, but your average crook he could handle."

"I think you'd be surprised," Clark said, forgetting he was playing a role for a second.

"I really wouldn't," Xander said. "Sadly I know more about Superman and his skill levels than anyone but Batman, who obviously trained him. But enough about Superman, I've wasted far too much time needlessly antagonizing him in some adolescent dick waving contest that I've now outgrown. Let's start this interview on…?"

"The recent pay cut to your workers in Gotham," Clark said, pulling out a voice recorder.

"You'll have to refresh my memory on that, I'm afraid I've been dealing with oversea expenditures and have completely blanked on the details," Xander said.

Clark nodded and talked at length about Lex's Gotham holdings and how Luthor's twenty percent pay cut would affect the local neighborhoods.

Xander reached over and pushed the button for his secretary. "Mercy, get me the man I put in charge of Gotham on the line, I want to hear him justify the pay cut to Mr. Kent."

"Right away, sir," she replied.

"I thought you handled all major business decisions yourself," Clark said.

"There is only so much information one man can process and retain with any degree of accuracy, that's why I hire people to work for me and follow their advice, unless I have some reason to believe they're wrong," Xander explained.

"Craig Johnson on line two, sir," Mercy announced over the intercom. "Transferring him now."

"You wanted to talk to me, Mr. Luthor?" Johnson asked.

"Craig, I have Clark from the Daily Planet here and he wants to know how we're justifying the twenty percent cut in pay for our Gotham workers," Xander explained.

"Financial forecasts for the upcoming quarter in Gotham shows a minor recession heading our way and by cutting salaries by twenty percent we are hoping to avoid a drop in stock prices that would necessitate closing our Gotham offices," Craig explained promptly.

"Hmm," Xander said tapping his chin. "Show me the hard data on that, so I can eyeball it for a minute."

"You should already have it, sir," Johnson replied.

Xander logged onto the computer built into his desk and quickly brought up the relevant files and glanced through it. "This looks familiar."

"I've shown you the data before, sir," Johnson said nervously.

Xander chuckled. "I mean I've seen this pattern before and yes I know how financial forecasting works, but just as an experiment… let's take a look at the times when a recession did not result from these numbers and see what local businesses did at that time."

It took several minutes before they had a definite pattern that even someone who was untutored in business could see.

"It only caused recessions in one case out of twelve before 1984," Clark noted. "What happened in 1984?"

"There's no telling," Johnson admitted with a sigh. "It could be anything from the price of rice to women's skirt length."

Xander laughed suddenly. "Actually, I believe I know exactly what happened."

"Yes, sir?" Johnson asked curiously.

"Let me give you a clue and see if you get it," Xander said. "I looked up redundant in the dictionary and you know what it said?"

"What?" Clark asked.

"See redundant," Xander replied and laughed only to sigh as neither got the joke. "Recursive error."

"How so?" Clark asked.

"Financial forecasting became a big thing in the early 80's, meaning everyone is responding to the forecast itself and not the market. Forecasting a recession is causing a recession," Xander explained.

"That's awful," Clark said shaking his head.

"Not for Lexcorp it isn't," Xander said. "Increase the salary of everyone that stayed with the company, after getting their pay cut, by fifty percent," Xander ordered. "And prepare for expansion in Gotham as the forced recession takes effect. With proper management we can pick up all the business that everyone else loses, making a fortune for the company without negatively affecting the local population. In effect we will prevent a recession for anyone, but the businesses cutting their employee's salaries and selling off their holdings."

"Sir, you have a reporter with you," Johnson pointed out.

"Good point," Xander said before turning to Clark. "Clark, don't report this or you'll cause a recession."

"The public has a right to know," Clark said.

"True, however what you'll be doing is causing the disaster by warning them of it. It's morally the same as shouting fire in a crowded theater," Xander told him. He knew he really shouldn't be tweaking Superman's nose the way he was, but the memories from Luthor made it just so satisfying!

"I need to report on something," Clark said with a sigh.

"Report that we went over the numbers and you convinced us that we should be investing in Gotham," Xander said. "It's the truth."

"Reporters are supposed to report the news, not make it," Clark said.

"Miss Lane must have missed that memo," Xander joked surprising a laugh out of Clark. "Fine just report that while going over the numbers we decided pay cuts were unnecessary and we're in fact going to increase pay across the board for our loyal employees. We are also going to look into starting in-house medical care for all our employees and their families."

"That's suspiciously generous," Clark noted.

"Mr. Kent, do you know how many new materials Lexcorp employees work with each year?" Xander asked. "Materials that may prove harmful?"

"Quite a few I'd imagine," Clark replied. "But I believe rigorous testing is required to make sure they're not harmful."

"Life is not a laboratory, Mr. Kent," Xander said seriously. "On the job, things occur which no one can foresee, but a good doctor can see what is happening and prevent disasters like the one asbestos created. In this day and age an ounce of prevention is worth far more than a pound of cure."

"There is some truth to that," Clark admitted.

"Some of the largest costs for families today is medical care. If medical care is covered by working for Lexcorp, not only can we avoid disasters that cost thousands of lives and billions of dollars, but we can improve employee retention. There are many businesses that rely on regular employee turnover to make their money, but Lexcorp is not one of them! Skilled employees are worth far more than people think… and I sound like I'm giving a speech. Let's just say providing medical care is not only the right thing to do, it's the fiscally smart thing to do for multiple reasons."

"You've managed to make helping your employees sound selfish," Clark said shaking his head.

"No, I've simply pointed out selfish reasons to help our employees. There are lots of altruistic reasons to do so, but as a businessman I have to be able to sell it to my shareholders, and I fully intend to see it done for both reasons," Xander said, wondering why more businessmen didn't do it since it was blindingly obvious.

"I think I have enough for my story," Clark said, "though it wasn't the story I planned on writing."

"Life is not a laboratory, Mr. Kent," Xander repeated with a smirk.

"I believe I'll be quoting you on that," Clark agreed. "Good day, Mr. Luthor."

"Good day, Mr. Kent," Xander replied.

As the door shut behind him Johnson spoke up, "Sir, am I really instituting those changes or was that just for show?"

"Make it so, Mr. Johnson," Xander said. "Also start a college fund for employee dependents who want to go to med school. If they agree to an 8 year contract when they graduate, we'll cover all their education costs. The world never has enough doctors and this way we'll get them while they're still young and idealistic."

"On it, sir," Johnson replied.

"Good, Luthor out," Xander said with a grin as he hit the call end button.

"Marcy do I have any more appointments today?" he asked.

"A five o'clock at Cadmus," she replied. "Should I bring the car around?"

"Do that, but first…"

"Yes?" she asked when he trailed off in thought.

Xander thought about Superboy and began to grin. "Can you get me a sample of Bruce Wayne's DNA?" 'Let's see Kal-El ignore Superboy while he's being raised by Batman!'

Chapter Text

"Let me get this straight," Xander said, "you are planning to make an inferior copy of Superman as a contingency plan against him going rogue that you are going to program to hate Superman to an insane degree, so he'll kill him?"

"He won't be weaker to start," disagreed the scientist in charge of the project, "just… unstable. He should be able to match Superman blow for blow for at least a week before he begins to degrade. That's why we have to rely on the programming. We need him to focus on taking out Superman while he can match his strength."

"Strength," Xander said, shaking his head and deciding to play to his audience. "If I take a Green Beret, strip him naked and drop him in the woods with orders to kill a bear by Sunday, do you know what you have by Sunday?"

"A dead bear," General Eiling and Amanda Waller chorused.

"That's right," Xander agreed. "A dead bear, possibly two if he's hungry enough, but it's not because he's as strong as the bear."

"Humans and bears are a lot closer in strength than a human and a Kryptonian," the scientist argued.

"Yes, however all you're doing here is making a bear," Xander pointed out, "and then letting it loose in a populated city."

"If you've got a better idea, I'd like to hear it, Mister Luthor," the scientist said.

"In fact, I do," Xander said. "We don't need a full Kryptonian to match him, we need a being who can play green beret to Superman's bear."

"I'm not sure I follow," General Eiling said.

"We make a hybrid clone, but we don't try to make him as strong as Superman. We simply get him in the ballpark and give him strengths Superman lacks," Xander explained.

"Good luck with that," Waller said with a snort, "he has super everything."

Xander grinned. "And yet Martian Manhunter could take him down easily."

"Well yeah, he's a powerful telepath…" the scientist trailed off as he looked around at the numerous genetically engineered telepathic beings around them.

"It can't be that simple," the general said in disbelief.

"Can't it?" Xander asked with a grin. "But you're right, it's not quite that simple. I'm saying we make him a strong telepath to go with the telekinetic gifts the Kryptonians have to give him an edge in any confrontation between the two, but I'm also saying that when you program it, don't program it to be a bear."

"What kind of programming are you thinking of?" Waller asked.

"I have a number of soldiers who you could scan in," Eiling said.

"Just soldiers?" Waller asked, as she eyed Luther.

Xander shook his head. "Not just soldiers. If he can be controlled, then he can be turned against you. What you want is someone incorruptible. Someone who is everything Superman appears to be, so that if he does slip the leash then not only will he still serve his purpose as insurance against Superman going rogue, but he'll also do his best to protect mankind from all the rest of them as well."

"A super soldier," the general said with a grin. "A super patriot even."

"One who the Justice League would probably welcome as a member," Xander said. "He or she escapes Cadmus and joins the Justice League, putting them in the perfect position to keep the League on the straight and narrow."

"The Martian would realize she was a double agent," Eiling said.

"The programming is to make them incorruptible, so there will be nothing to find," Xander reminded him.

"Someone who can be trusted to do the right thing, regardless of who's giving orders," Waller said with a nod.

"Loyal to the ideals of the U.S.," the general agreed.

"It'd take me six months," the scientist said, planning to use Luthor's DNA for the human component, since he'd complicated his simple project of creating super men and securing funding for his own research for the next decade.

Satisfied that he'd defused this bomb, Xander turned his thoughts towards giving himself super powers, trying to think of ones Lex couldn't use to take over the world when and if they switched back, but ones that would still be useful and fun.

"Plastic Man!" Xander greeted the hero cheerfully as he stepped into the church.

Plastic Man froze in place before turning his head to look at Xander and then spinning it around a few more times. "OK, I'm confused," Plastic Man admitted. "I was told I was here to raise money for an orphanage, not face off against a supervillain."

"Well, for one thing, I'm not a supervillain. I've always been an unpowered human," Xander pointed out cheerfully.

"Yeah, but you've always been fighting Supes and using some pretty impressive technology to do so," Plastic Man answered. "That puts you in the superhuman weight class."

"Fair enough," Xander agreed. "Batman doesn't have any super powers, but I'd call him a superhero."

"Glad we agree," Plastic Man said. "Now why are you here?"

"I'm here to offer you twenty-five million for a single square centimeter of your flesh," Xander said cheerfully.

"Plastic Man's head unwound itself, spinning him around and making him dizzy. "What?!"

Xander snapped his fingers and three guards came in and set down two briefcases each upon the table. "Twenty-five million dollars," Xander repeated.

"I'm pretty sure you could get some villain to cut a piece off of me for just fifty Gs," Plastic Man admitted. "Why the generosity?"

"The whole villain game got old," Xander replied, "so I figured I'd find myself legal ways to keep myself entertained. It's not like I can't afford it."

"I-I'm trying to figure out the catch to all this, but I'm just not seeing one," Plastic Man admitted.

"Batman will glare at you," Xander pointed out cheerfully.

"He does that anyway and it's not like it's a twenty-five million dollar glare," Plastic Man said. "What do you need it for anyway?"

"That takes a bit of explaining," Xander said. "You see, I have several samples of Kryptonian DNA and I could easily give myself Superman's powers."

"Seriously?!" Plastic Man exclaimed, eyes expanding and stretching his ever-present googles.

"Seriously," Xander agreed. "But then I'd be related to Superman and that would lead to a lot of awkwardness," he admitted.

"Family reunions would be uncomfortable," Plastic Man agreed.

"Exactly, so there I thought about whose powers would have the most recreational uses and…" his voice trailed off.

"And?" Plastic Man asked.

"And which powers would give me hair," Xander admitted.

Plastic Man laughed. "You have a deal," he agreed, offering his hand to shake.

Xander shook his hand and pulled a small device out of his pocket that looked like a pen-light. "Tiny laser scalpel," he said, passing it to the stretchy hero.

"Light meat, or dark meat?" Plastic Man asked cheerfully.

"At least you didn't ask breast or leg," Xander said with a chuckle. "I will take a lock of hair, since it's all interchangeable."

"Ruins the circumcision joke I was going to do," Plastic Man said with a fake sigh as he used the laser to cut off a small lump of hair.

Xander pulled a vial, filled with a glowing green fluid, out of his pocket and added the hair. "Since I'm going to have to drink this, I appreciate it."

"The taxes are going to be murder," Plastic Man said. "Suddenly I feel like voting Republican!"

"Already taken care of," Xander assured him. "Just donate one of those six cases, each holding five million, and you'll have enough tax credit to cover the twenty-five."

"Holy Moly!" Plastic Man exclaimed. "Twenty-five mil' tax-free, and I get to donate enough that Sister Jessica might just forgive me!"

"Forgive you?" Xander asked curiously as he pocketed the vial.

"I was twelve, it was a dare, and it was an accident!" Plastic Man exclaimed nervously. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy forgiveness."

Xander laughed and departed the church, his limo waiting at the curb for him.

"Everything go well, Sir?" Mercy asked.

"Like clockwork," he told her. "Now on to STAR LABS so they can mix up my drink."

"Yes, sir," Mercy agreed, signaling the driver.

Chapter Text

"How can I justify releasing the cure when we are still making money from the treatment?" Xander asked himself as he paced back and forth in his palatial office.

"Come on brain, think!" he ordered, increasing the size of his fist to several times its normal size and tapping the top of his head. "I swear if you don't come up with an answer soon, I'm stabbing you with a q-tip!"

Xander stopped, closed his eyes and took several deep breaths, his chest expanding like a bullfrog's throat.

"I'm calm, I'm peaceful," Xander said like a mantra as he shifted into the form of Mahatma Gandhi for a moment before changing back into himself.

"They're greedy, my boy," Xander said in a perfect impression of Thurston Howell the third, form and voice, "it's all about the money. If they had any common sense they'd see making the pie itself bigger would net them more than simply increasing the size of their own slice, but they simply lack the capacity."

Xander resumed his Lex form with its new thick black hair. Lex might have been a natural redhead, but Xander was much more comfortable as a brunette.

"They are greedy, shortsighted, and stupid," Xander listed off. "Now, how can I use that against them?"

Xander sat in 'The Thinker' pose, forming a perfect replica of the statue for a moment before leaping back to his feet. "That's it! All I have to do is tell them someone else is getting close to a cure so we'll sell it ourselves to get the jump on them."

Xander melted into a puddle of pink goo and relaxed.

"Mr. Luthor?" Mercy asked as she entered the office and looked around.

"Down here," he replied, forming a face in the center of the goo puddle. "I was seeing how relaxed I could get. Now, what was it you wanted?"

"He's like a cartoon character come to life," Green Arrow noted.

"Is it possible Plastic Man acts the way he does because of his powers and not his personality?" Black Canary asked as they watched Lex Luthor's office on the monitor.

"Hey!" Plastic Man complained. "I work hard on my comedy!"

"Despite the visual gags, Luthor is behaving much like he was when I last interviewed him," Superman disagreed. "The changes in his motivation and behavior predates him gaining Plastic Man's powers."

"And thanks to Lex now having Plastic Man's powers he is immune to telepathy, so I can not scan him to check," Martian Manhunter noted.

"Would you rather see him with my powers or Supes'?" Plastic Man asked. "He said he had the knowhow."

"Kryptonians are easier to deal with," Batman said.

"Ha-ha," Plastic Man deadpanned. "But seriously, what is up with the big change in Lex? Or is he just pulling a fast one for the thousandth time?"

Superman shook his head. "He's always got something up his sleeve, I'm sure he'll reveal his latest scheme shortly."

"That woman there," Diana pointed out.

"Mercy Graves," Batman identified.

"She's dressed as a mere chauffeur, however he is actually listening to her," Diana said curiously.

"They have a curious relationship," Batman replied. "She's completely loyal and in return he actually listens to her."

"How is that unusual?" Plastic Man asked.

"Because Lex doesn't trust anyone," Superman said with a thoughtful frown.

"Except her?" Diana asked.

"Possibly," Superman admitted.

"Lex," Mercy said seriously, "I have some concerns."

Xander reformed the top half of his body, leaving the bottom half a large pink puddle. "I'm listening," Xander said seriously, sensing her disquiet.

"Your behavior has radically changed over the past few days," Mercy explained. "Not enough to activate the Doppelganger protocols, but more than enough to suspect you may be having your mind influenced in some way."

Xander completely reformed his body or rather Lex's body, making him look like he was in his early 20's and spent his spare time participating in bodybuilding contests with his customary white suit. "Perfectly understandable, would an explanation of my current mindset help set your fears to rest?"

"Yeah, but that's also an example of a complete departure from your normal behavior," she pointed out.

Xander chuckled. "Have you ever wondered what your life looked like through another's eyes?" he asked seriously. "I did and what I found… My greatest enemy, my deadliest foe, the one insurmountable roadblock in my path… turned out to be me."

"I'm not seeing it," Mercy admitted, after a minute.

"My top two goals in life up until about a week ago were to take over the world and murder one man," Xander explained.

"Usually you avoid calling him a man, referring to him as The Alien," she said pointedly.

"After the explanation it will make sense," Xander promised. "For now ignore the changes and let me explain."

"Alright," she agreed.

"Killing Superman is as simple as lacing Metallo's kryptonite heart with some gold kryptonite. Superman always fights him hand to hand and gets blasted with kryptonite radiation half a dozen times. Add a little gold kryptonite to the mix and no more Superman," Xander explained.

"That's brilliant!" Mercy exclaimed.

"It's stupid," Xander disagreed. "Quick note: check with Cadmus and see how long it would take them to make a purely human clone for me to transfer Corben's brain into. Anyway, the original reason I wanted to kill Superman was because I thought he was too good to be true, his very existence a threat to the human race."

"And you don't think that anymore?" Mercy asked.

"No I don't," Xander said, shaking his head. "With all the crap I've pulled on him over the years, Mother Teresa would have kicked my ass by now, but Superman sticks to the straight and narrow. He is pretty much exactly what he seems or at least he tries to be anyway."

"Weren't you also worried about the human race becoming dependent on him?" Mercy asked.

"Still a valid concern," Xander admitted with a nod. "But it isn't a major one any longer, as the human race has produced a number of beings of similar power."

"Alright," Mercy conceded, "I can see how Big Blue is no longer important, now what about world domination?"

"A childish goal," Xander replied. "Could I do a better job than the politicians currently running the world? Without a doubt. Do I care enough about the human race to spend my every waking moment working towards its betterment?"

"I… can't see you doing that," Mercy admitted, "but then I thought it was all about the power of the position."

"If a job is worth doing, it is worth doing right," Xander replied. "If I want to be the ruler of a world I'll pick a much more… rational species than the human race to rule over. Preferably one that hibernates at least a portion of the time, so I can get a couple of months vacation each year."

Mercy laughed but quickly pushed it down.

"None of the challenges I had set for myself are a challenge anymore and the goals I had are no longer mine," Xander explained. "I have tons of money, enormous amounts of power, and am not concerned about working myself to death for a variety of reasons. I intend to enjoy life, make my name something people can trust, since I am going to be around for a very long time and - *cough* *cough*," Xander said, covering up the final words by coughing into his fist.

"What was that final thing?" Mercy asked, with a gleam of mischief in her eyes.

"Annoy Superman," Xander admitted. "I've spent most of my adult life trying to kill him, you can't just expect me to go cold turkey!"

Mercy let out a relieved sigh, satisfied that Lex hadn't changed into someone completely unrecognizable.

"Why do I have the feeling I'm going to miss the old Lex?" Superman asked, as the group of superheroes heard Luthor's exposition.

"Two stretchy guys, two pranksters," Flash noted. "Pretty sure your powers do have an effect on your personality," he told Plastic Man.

"Maybe," Plastic Man conceded, "but I still put in a lot of hard work. Just because you're flexible doesn't mean you're going to be funny."

"I'll give you that," Flash agreed. "There's a lot of talent involved too. Think Luthor will be any good?"

"No idea," Plastic Man replied. "I'm not even going to guess until we have a decent sampling of his work."

"Do you mind?" Batman demanded, glaring at the pair.

"A couple of pranks a month will help keep him on his toes, prevent complacency," Xander told Mercy. "So really, I'm doing him a favor."

"I very much doubt he'll see it that way," Mercy said amused. "Also picking on the last child of a dead race isn't exactly going to endear you to the public."

"He's hardly the last," Luthor said, shaking his head. "Hell, he isn't even the only one on Earth."

"There are more Kryptonians?" Mercy asked, surprised.

"Let me tell you the tale of Dax-Am," Xander said grandly, shifting into the form of Samuel Clemens. "Dax-Am was rare among his people, he was an explorer, an adventurer, a man who didn't hate and fear aliens, but saw that beneath their skin many were just like him. Gathering a group of like-minded people, they set off for the stars, far beyond the reach of the assholes back home."

"Assholes?" Mercy asked.

"Assholes," Xander assured her. "Krypton did the whole manifest destiny bit, imposing their will on neighboring systems with their advanced technology and superpowers. Eventually they realized what they were doing was morally wrong and recalled their navy and destroyed their ships, becoming isolationist and xenophobic."

"Weird," Mercy said.

"Not really," Xander disagreed. "As a whole they believed they were superior to everyone else, so when they saw a moral failing in themselves, they tried to correct it. They over-reacted and couldn't admit that was also a mistake so they compounded it by becoming xenophobic, forbidding any contact with other… inferior races."

"I can see why you called them assholes," Mercy admitted.

"Dax-Am and his people settled on a planet with a native race that had the ability to mate with nearly any humanoid species in the galaxy," Xander continued. "Kryptonian genetics proved to be dominant, so the planet is now filled with Kryptonians who can mate with nearly any humanoid species and are completely immune to Kryptonite."

Mercy just stared at him for a moment. "And for all your problems with Superman, you aren't concerned about them?" she asked cautiously.

"Well, for one thing, being an asshole turned out to be another dominant trait, so they also turned into xenophobic isolationists who have banned any research into space travel," Xander explained.

"And the other thing?" she asked, knowing how Lex's mind worked.

"They somehow managed to replace their Kryptonite allergy with one for lead," Xander said with a chuckle. "Daxamites, as they call themselves, will never be the conquerors that the natives from Krypton were."

"That would do it," Mercy agreed. "No fear about Big Blue doing it?"

"The house of El aren't assholes… or at least it isn't a dominant trait in their line," Xander admitted. "Smug and self-righteous, maybe, but not conquer the world for its own good."

Mercy nodded. "I'll go contact Cadmus about that clone."

Xander returned to his new base Luthor form. "I think I'll poke around the labs, see what's cooking."

"I'm not the last?" Superman asked hopefully.

"Not if Luthor is right," Batman replied thoughtfully. "Green Lantern may be able to confirm his story."

"Which one?" Canary asked.

"Any of them, their database should cover the subject," Batman replied.

"He also said Superman wasn't the only one on Earth," Flash pointed out.

Everyone turned to stare at him.

"Am I the only one who caught that?" Flash asked.

"No, but the planet full of Kryptonians distracted everyone," J'onn answered.

"I'll have to find out what he meant by that," Superman said.

"That may be what he's counting on," Batman said as he watched Lex Luthor leave his office and move out of range of the camera.

"It would be just like him," Superman agreed. "If he detected that we were spying on him, this could all be a trick."

"That's not to say he was lying about the Daxamites," Batman assured him. "The best lies are at least partially true."

"So long as I'm not wasting time searching for Kryptonians who don't exist, he'll be wasting his time instead," Superman said with a smirk.

"Unless it's a double bluff and he's counting on you not looking for them," Plastic Man pointed out.

"Luthor is even more annoying when I can't even tell if he's actually up to something or I'm just being paranoid," Superman said, shaking his head.

"In our line of work, it's almost never paranoia," Batman assured him, ignoring the League members that were rolling their eyes.

"A search for aliens is something we should do on a regular basis anyway," Black Canary offered. "They could be here for any number of reasons, including getting stranded and needing assistance," she added, thinking about how Martian Manhunter had ended up on Earth.

"As long as we're not actively searching for Kryptonians alone, it shouldn't play into Luthor's hands," Wonder Woman decided.

"Unless -" Plastic Man began, only to have Batman grab his lips and squeeze them shut.

"No more 'unless'," Batman said firmly.

"Fine," Plastic Man agreed, completely unconcerned that his mouth was sticking out of the other side of Batman's fist. "I will say just one more thing and then drop it."

Batman released Plastic Man's lips which snapped back in place like a rubber-band. "Alright," Batman acquiesced.

"Triple check your findings and don't jump the gun," Plastic Man said reasonably. "Also if we find evidence of a Kryptonian we send J'onn disguised as Superman to make first contact."

Batman nodded. "Sensible."

"If he was trying to make you even more paranoid he would have said something about how Luthor could easily infiltrate the League disguised as nearly anyone," Flash pointed out.

Batman shook his head. "Already taken care of. While he can easily alter his appearance I've added sensors to detect his new physiology."

"So he could only enter disguised as me?" Plastic Man asked.

"This… is going to take some thought," Batman admitted with a sigh.

"Plastic Man, the bane of billionaires everywhere," Flash said with a grin.

Chapter Text

"Power Girl is down!" Martian Manhunter reported urgently. "I repeat, Power Girl is down! Metallo is using some kind of kryptonite-powered flames and she needs backup!" he repeated as he scanned the displays in the monitor room for who was available.

"I'm on my way!" Superman called back over his com-link as he departed India with all the speed he could muster.

"Send Firestorm or Captain Atom to neutralize the radiation," Batman ordered, tapping his own com-link from a stakeout in Gotham.

"I'm on it," Martian Manhunter replied.

Metallo's laughter was cut short as a red and blue blur hit him, driving him deep into the ground with a thunderous *BOOM!*, just before Firestorm teleported in.

The ground shook like an earthquake had hit, making Firestorm stumble and take to the air to avoid falling over. The nuclear powered teen quickly targeted the surrounding rubble with several blasts, turning it to water that extinguished the flames, before draining into the crater where Metallo had stood.

Firestorm stared in horror at Power Girl, his hands twitching as he tried to comprehend what he was seeing. Her uniform had been completely burned away revealing skin so badly burned it had melted, searing her eyes and mouth shut. Even if his powers had been able to affect organic matter, he had no idea what he could have done to help as she moved weakly, somehow still alive, jaws open in a soundless scream.

Captain Atom appeared in a flash of light, but having seen worse in the past it barely phased him. "Go help Superman," he ordered Firestorm, before turning to Power Girl and holding out his hands, drawing in all the kryptonite radiation he could sense.

"Emergency Medical Transport, on my position, Now!" he ordered, as he switched from absorbing radiation to emitting solar energy at Power Girl's half melted form.

Appearing in the JLA medical bay, he found Batman and Martian Manhunter already activating banks of lights. "She was emitting insane amounts of kryptonite radiation when I arrived. By all rights, she should already be dead."

Martian Manhunter levitated her into the center of the banks of lights and cranked up the intensity to their highest levels.

"It doesn't seem to be working," J'onn said after several seconds had passed. "Her level of pain is not decreasing."

"Something must be - Look Out!" Batman yelled as pink tentacles suddenly sprouted from every part of Power Girl's body, entangling the three Superheroes.

Martian Manhunter phased free, following Batman and Captain Atom who were thrown into the hall outside the medical bay, the door sliding shut and locking itself behind them.

A wave of green fire swept over Power Girl as Metallo revealed his latest trick.

"Fuck!" Xander cursed, as her scream shattered the windows of nearby cars.

"Orders?" Mercy asked, mentally plotting out half a dozen evacuation plans and just over a dozen attack strategies.

"Pull back to a safe distance, I'll take care of it," he ordered, opening the door and stepping out.

"Sir?" Mercy questioned, worried and wondering what he had planned.

"I'm immortal," Xander reminded her. "If I get torn part, just gather the pieces together. Now, Go!" Xander ordered firmly.

"Yes, Sir," she complied, burying the urge to sigh. She'd been looking forward to matching herself against Corben.

Xander sprinted towards the flames, his legs stretching to cover dozens of feet with each step before he dove forward, his flesh melting in the heat as he threw himself on top of the blonde Kryptonian.

Metallo laughed as he poured on the flames, paying no attention to how much energy he was burning through, nor the way the device on his right arm was beginning to glow red hot, until it exploded, destroying his forearm and throwing him to the ground in the process.

"Well, at least I know the design works," Metallo said, as he climbed back to his feet and examined the remains of his right arm. "And it didn't cost me an arm and a leg, either," he said. His metallic laugh rang out over the crackling of the flames.

Xander ignored the feeling of his flesh melting as he completely encapsulated Power Girl, his flesh continually in motion as he carried all foreign matter away from her heavily burned skin, shifting mass and substance to draw out all the radiation he could. He poured himself into her, duplicating her destroyed lungs with his own flesh as a makeshift replacement, covering her entire form in place of her own destroyed tissues, as he prevented further heat and radiation from reaching her.

Water washed across him and he quickly absorbed it, using it to replace her own depleted fluids as rapidly as her body would accept.

He was so engrossed in trying to keep her alive that he barely noticed when they were teleported to the watchtower until he felt the solar rays strike his skin at searing intensity.

'Yellow sunlight isn't enough, she'll go into shock and die if I stop being her skin,' Xander thought as he desperately scoured his mind for a solution.

Then it hit him like a bolt of lightning; kryptonians were powerful under a yellow sun, but under a blue sun they were beyond-powerful!

Xander sent tentacles in every direction, shoving the Justice League members out of the way and ripping apart the medical bay for what he needed as he tripled the amount of power cables running to the banks of solar cells and adjusted the frequency.

"Plastic Man?" Batman thought aloud.

"I can't read his mind, but while the feel of it is similar, I believe Plastic Man is in Chicago at the moment," J'onzz replied.

"Luthor!" Batman growled, quickly checking his pouches. "He grabbed my kryptonite!"

"He's shifted the solar panels to a higher frequency," Captain Atom interjected, as he used a wall terminal to access the internal cameras.

"Why?" Batman began before recalling one of Superman's extra-Solar mission reports. "Yellow sunlight wouldn't be able to provide enough energy to heal her in time, however blue might."

"And the kryptonite?" Captain Atom questioned as they watched Lex carefully uncover Power Girl's form, section by section under the arctic blue light.

"He has to cut open the flesh that has been seared shut," Batman replied. "A kryptonite scalpel would be the only way, unless you used red sunlight to depower her and at the moment that would be fatal."

"It's working, I can feel her pain receding," J'onn reported as they watched.

"Are we just going to trust him?!" Captain Atom demanded.

"Our best efforts would have proven futile," Batman replied. "Even if he tries to take her hostage at this point, he has to save her first."

"He seems to be performing acupuncture on her," J'onn noted. "I was unaware that was effective."

"It can be, though its usefulness on Kryptonians is doubtful," Batman replied. "As soon as he's finished healing her we'll rush him. Any plans he has, likely rely on him having access to the watchtower. J'onn, you take out the door, I'll separate Luthor from Power Girl. Atom, you grab him and teleport him back to Metropolis."

"I - I'm alive?" Power Girl asked numbly, still a bit out of it.

"Alive, almost fully healed and very hairy," Xander agreed.

"But I shaved yesterday!" Power Girl complained, before she remembered what had happened and sat upright, eyes scanning around frantically until she recognized where she was.

"Side effect of the healing process," Xander assured her as he continued what he was doing.

"Okay, why am I naked and what are you doing?" she demanded.

Xander continued poking her leg with dozens of tiny hands holding needles that sparked briefly as he ran a current through them before repositioning them further up her leg and repeating the process, as he explained, "Your costume, hell your skin, was burned off. I'm using kryptonite needles to perform electrolysis." He extended a tendril that quickly formed into a duplicate of her costume.

A couple of lights flared up and burned out behind him, not designed to sustain the amount of power running through them.

Power Girl quickly examined herself. "I - I'm unscarred."

An entire bank of lights made a humming noise and went dark.

"Blue sunlight is, if anything, too effective at healing kryptonians. While your body regenerated, it tried to heal over places where your skin was seared together," Xander explained. "I had to use a kryptonite scalpel to separate your toes for instances, or you'd have flippers right now."

"Where all -" Power Girl began, looking pale even under the remaining three banks of lights.

Xander interrupted her, "I was your lungs until eight minutes ago. If you can think of anything more intimate than that I'd like to hear it."

"When you put it like that it seems silly," she complained.

Another bank of lights burned out and Xander quickly rewired the remaining two and focused them on Power Girl. "You'll need at least another hour under the lights, I've changed them back to yellow again, and drink a lot of fluids," he said while finishing up her other leg.

"So I'm good now?" she asked, running her fingers through hair that went all the way down to the middle of her back. "And where is that scalpel?"

Xander retracted everything back into himself except the thin strand leading to Power Girl's costume. He packed all the needles and the scalpel into the lead lined pouch he'd snatched from Batman and offered it to Power Girl. "Here's everything I used and you're as healed as I can make you with the limited supplies I have available."

There was a screech of metal as Martian Manhunter ripped the door off the medical bay's entrance, a batarang flying in, less than half a second later and exploding between the two, layering Power Girl's side in ice and freezing Luthor's arm solid. Before Luthor could even make a sound, Captain Atom flew through the doorway and tackled him, Luthor's frozen arm snapping off as they hit the ground and vanished in a burst of light.

"What the hell was that for?!" Power Girl demanded, as she broke the ice off with a simple flex of her muscles.

"It's Lex Luthor," Batman replied. "He was either planning to take you hostage or was using this as an excuse to gain access to the watchtower."

Xander's head deformed around the punch Captain Atom threw, but he didn't bother to respond. When your entire body is malleable to an insane degree, being punched in the head by a superhero was a mild annoyance at best. As Captain Atom rained punches down on an unresisting Luthor, Xander ignored it and tried to figure out how hard it would be to get the Justice League to return the bits of him he'd left on the satellite thanks to their actions.

'It's not like I can't just increase my mass to replace everything, but it's the principle of the thing,' Xander thought to himself, not bothering to reform his missing left arm.

"What are you doing?!" Firestorm demanded as he stared at Captain Atom beating a one armed man's head into a pile of mush.

"It's Luthor," Captain Atom replied, before wondering if he'd gone overboard.

Firestorm landed on the ground helping a battered and tired Superman stand.

"What did he do?" Superman asked suspiciously.

Xander reformed his head and replied, "Threw myself over Power Girl, kept her alive until she could be taken to the med-bay, and did my best to see she was completely healed."

"It's Luthor," Captain Atom repeated.

"That's a valid point," Xander admitted. "Not sure it justifies this level of violence, but I'll take it as a compliment."

"Power Girl's okay?" Superman demanded.

"Completely healed, she just needs sun and fluids," Xander assured him. "There's no greater expert on kryptonians than me, the only side effect she has is she needs to trim her hair and shave her pits."

"Time dilation?" Superman asked while turning to Captain Atom who climbed off Luthor and gave him a nod to confirm Power Girl was fine.

"Blue sunlight," Xander corrected. "Time was against us and yellow sunlight just wouldn't cut it."

"I'm surprised you know about that," Superman admitted.

Xander snorted. "With the amount I've studied kryptonians?" He climbed to his feet and made a show of brushing himself off with his remaining hand. "I know enough to kill, flip gender or sexual orientation, as well as completely depower one, healing isn't that hard."

The three heroes stared at him.

"What?" Xander asked. "Anyway, she's fine, I 'd like the return of all the pieces of my body left on the watchtower from when I was healing her and if possible, could you remove all of Metallo's limbs?"

"Why?" Superman asked, snapping out of his stupor.

"Because that will make it safer and easier to remove his brain and place it in a cloned body," Xander explained. "Corben only had mild sociopathic tendencies, mostly a lack of empathy, before he was placed in that robot body to save his life. I believe returning his full complement of senses should restore his sanity, but even if it doesn't at least he won't be running around shooting kryptonite lasers at everyone."

"And the kryptonite?" Superman asked.

"Don't know, don't care," Xander replied. "The government will probably claim it, but it's not like they don't already have a large stockpile."

"You've got a point there," Superman admitted.

"And my arm?" Xander asked, pointing at his shoulder.

Batman flipped a switch, creating a force field around a perfect pink sphere.

"This level of security seems a bit excessive," Martian Manhunter noted.

"While small amounts of Plastic Man's mass have correspondingly decreased amounts of intelligence, he can control them remotely, if they are close enough," Batman explained.

"And Luthor's flesh would have similar characteristics," Martian Manhunter realized.

"Plans within plans," Batman said, checking the force field for flaws.

"Well, it is Luthor," J'onn conceded.

The pink sphere shifted into a small green frog wearing a tuxedo with a top hat and cane, that laid motionless as if it were dead.

"For a given value of Luthor," Batman noted with a thoughtful frown.

Chapter Text

"I'll take care of it," Superman said.

"Your word on it?" Xander requested, extending a hand.

"My word," Superman agreed, shaking Luthor's hand.

"Excellent," Xander replied. "I can replace mass easily, but it just feels wrong to leave bits of me around."

Firestorm flew down the hole in the street, returning with a limbless and heavily battered Metallo a second later.

"What are you up to?!" Captain Atom demanded.

"I've been completely transparent lately," Xander replied. "I quit bothering with hidden agendas and complex plots for obvious reasons."

"It's not obvious to me," Firestorm spoke up.

"I have enough power of one form or another to do whatever I please," Lex replied. "Any way you slice it, I've won at life, so why bother being a dick about it?"

"That is not the answer I expected," Firestorm admitted.

"A lot of things are obvious to me that other people don't seem to see until I point them out," Xander replied. "For instance, rather than saving a handful of lives by punching out super-powered nut-jobs, have you considered saving tens of thousands of lives a year by simply helping with road repair?"

"What?" Firestorm asked.

"Every year countless lives are taken in accidents caused by poor road conditions. Spending even a couple of hours each weekend repairing high traffic areas that cities can't afford the time of money to care for properly would not only prevent those deaths but also allow the cities to focus their resources on better serving the public, reducing crime, funding the schools, etc," Xander explained.

The three heroes just stared at him.

"What?" Xander asked.

An awkward silence developed.

"You guys seriously never thought about helping out a little, here and there?" Xander asked.

"I have in the past, but usually it's only been on large scale projects that the local government was having problems with," Superman admitted. "These days I rarely have the time."

"I understand that stopping crime and preventing accidents provides immediate gratification and validates your lifestyles, I really do," Xander assured them. "However you should all spend some time thinking about how you can improve the world using your powers in constructive ways as well."

"You, Lex Luthor, are giving us advice on how to be better heroes?" Captain Atom asked in disbelief.

"I know, extremely ironic," Xander agreed. "But just because I used to be the world's biggest dick, doesn't mean I'm not right."

"Would I really be saving that many lives?" Firestorm asked Superman.

Superman considered the matter for a moment. "Not initially, but yes, within the space of a year, you could have that big an effect."

"Making humanity dependent on us would weaken them," Captain Atom told Firestorm. "That's why we don't do things like that."

"I suggested assisting, not doing everything for them," Xander disagreed. "There is a difference." He turned to Captain Atom and frowned. "And the way you're talking, as if none of the Justice League were part of humanity is more than a little disturbing."

"I am referring to humanity as a species," Captain Atom said firmly. "If those of us with superpowers do too much, then those without will never learn to do those things for themselves."

"That's why I suggested assisting with something 'normal' people can already do, allowing them to concentrate their efforts elsewhere," Xander reminded Atom. "I'd suggest seeing a shrink about the superiority complex you're developing and the alienations you've been experiencing."

"We'll take it under advisement," Superman quickly said, placing a hand on Captain Atom's shoulder, to keep him from doing anything rash.

"That may not be a bad idea," Firestorm said thoughtfully, completely missing the others' reactions, as he considered his own unique mental situation.

"I'd suggest including Martian Manhunter," Xander told the atomic teen. "Telepathy can be very useful in maintaining mental health."

"I'll run it all past Batman, just to be paranoid," Firestorm admitted, "but thanks for the advice."

"No problem," Xander said cheerfully, before Firestorm teleported out.

"Just because I'm the fastest, doesn't mean I should have to do all the menial chores," Flash complained.

"Most of the menial chores are done by automated systems," Batman replied. "Besides fixing the medbay isn't a menial chore, it's a necessity."

"We have a dozen of them," Flash pointed out.

"And if we end up with mass casualties, we'll wish we had even more," Batman countered. "You can get it up and running in under an hour, while Superman, the next fastest, would take significantly longer."

"Really?" Flash asked, perking up.

"Really," Batman said. "It's the reason I rely on you for matters such as this."

"I'll get right on it," Flash promised, vanishing in a blur of speed a moment later.

"I can sense your amusement, but I do not get the joke," J'onn said. "You said Flash would recognize 'Phineas'."

Plastic Man appeared in a burst of light. "You rang?" he joked, taking on the form of Lurch from The Addams' Family.

"Flash is rebuilding Medbay Three and can use a hand or five," Batman replied.

"On it, Big Chief!" Plastic Man snapped out with an exaggerated salute. He turned and left, his legs stretching to cover meters at a time.

"I see," J'onn said after Plastic Man had turned the corner. "But wouldn't he also know of the frog?"

"He would," Batman agreed. "More than likely, one of them will prank the other with it or attempt to, but regardless of the humor of the situation it will be a good opportunity to see how Plastic Man will react to a piece of Luthor, as well as how it reacts to him. It'll also give the piece of Luthor time to try and carry out any commands he left with it."

"It might be dangerous," J'onn noted. "Could it take over Plastic Man?"

"I've already considered and dismissed the idea," Batman replied. "Plastic Man has dealt with doppelgangers before with few problems."

"A little warning would still be appropriate," J'onn noted.

"Agreed, but knowing those two it'll have the opposite effect," Batman pointed out.

The Martian nodded. "Yes, but it'll be their own choice."

"Feels more manipulative than saying nothing, but you're right," Batman agreed. Tapping his comm, he said, "The force field in the medbay contains a sample of Luthor's flesh, I would suggest not touching it."

"How did things go, sir?" Mercy asked, as she climbed out of the limo after parking it next to Xander.

"Better than expected," Xander replied cheerfully. Seeing her staring at his missing arm, he chuckled. "Tis but a scratch."

"You've lost a limb, sir," she pointed out with a frown.

Xander increased his mass, slowly re-growing his arm. "Better?"

Mercy nodded. "Much better, sir."

"Notify Cadmus we have Metallo contained and ready for transfer," Xander ordered.

"Already done," Mercy said as the whine of several heavily armed troop transports became audible.

"Excellent work," Xander replied. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"We have very different tastes, sir," she reminded him, an amused glint flashing through her eyes.

"I'd like to broaden my horizons," Xander said cheerfully. "Let's go to your favorite place."

Mercy shook her head. "The last time you saw me eat a hotdog from a food cart, you lectured me for ten minutes on how hotdogs were made and what was in them."

Xander winced. "I'll admit, I went a bit overboard… okay, a lot overboard… I was a dick, a snooty dick and I sincerely apologize."

Whatever she'd been about to say was drowned out by the arriving armored VTOL aircraft landing and disgorging dozens of heavily armed soldiers.

Xander stepped in front of Mercy, subconsciously making himself taller and wider to cover her.

Mercy frowned and almost glared for a second.

Xander sensed her ire and shivered in response, quickly falling back on his experience dealing with Buffy. "The idea is to get them to focus on me, so you can wipe them out if necessary," he quietly explained through a second mouth he grew on the back of his neck.

Mercy considered that and nodded. "We are going to have a long talk about plans and procedures considering your new meta-human status, sir."

"Over hotdogs," Xander agreed, before absorbing the mouth back into his skin.

"Luthor, you appear to have undergone changes since we last spoke," Amanda Waller noted, as she drew near, the soldiers securing Metallo for transport.

"I decided a more 'hands on' approach was needed to solve some of our meta-human problems," Xander replied, shrinking back down. "The most efficient way to go about it was to increase my own physical capabilities."

"I can see the utility in it," Waller admitted. "The choice of power sets is what I find surprising."

"The key word is utility," Xander replied. "This power set lends itself to constructive enterprises much more than destructive ones and doesn't harbor any glaring weaknesses."

Waller nodded. "Put that way, I can see the sense in it. Not planning on putting on a mask and running around I take it?"

Xander made a face. "And deny the world my beauty?!" he joked, startling a laugh out of her. "Running around playing costumed cops and robbers is the least efficient use of my time. If I catch a supervillain, I'll make sure I only need to do it once."

"Like Metallo," Waller realized.

"Exactly," Xander agreed. "I had a hand in creating him so it was at least partially my responsibility to stop him, but there are a fair number of 'super villains' who can permanently be removed from circulation by similar means."

"At three million a clone?" Waller asked doubtfully.

"Beats two hundred thousand a year to house them securely and the inevitable costs of their repeated escapes," Xander replied. "You have to think long term."

"And the empathic grafts?" Waller questioned.

"Most of them lack empathy, this should correct that and prevent them from ever returning to their previous behaviors," Xander replied.

"As long as you're footing the bill," Waller said, giving up trying to figure out Luthor's latest plan at the moment.

"Ma'am, the target is secure," a heavily armed soldier, lacking any indication of rank or even branch on his gear, reported.

"Back to base," Waller ordered. "Luthor." She said, giving him a brisk nod before following the soldier.

Xander turned to Mercy. "Lunch?"

"What are you watching so intently?" Superman asked.

"I was curious about how Lex's arm would behave now that it was detached from him," Batman replied. "So I asked Flash and Plastic Man to repair the medbay and warned them not to touch it."

"That seems a bit manipulative," Superman said with a frown.

Batman rolled his eyes, knowing his lead lined cowl would prevent Superman from seeing it.

"That was my idea," J'onn offered. "He wasn't going to say anything until I requested he do so."

"Sorry, Bruce," Superman apologized.

Batman didn't reply but even Superman could feel his amusement this time.

"Vic has the strangest ideas about what's romantic, but it's never boring," Huntress replied with a grin, before taking a bite out of her burger.

Black Canary laughed. "Ollie just does traditional things in a big way. I think he has a calendar with dates, presents, and spontaneous acts penciled in."

"Wish I could find someone like that," Kara moped, as she ate lunch with them. "But either they know me as Supergirl and are intimidated by my cousin or they only know me as Kara and are too fragile to even get a little frisky with."

Power Girl sighed as the three turned to her. "Don't look at me, I can't even find a sex toy that doesn't shatter, much less a man. The closest I've gotten to sex was Lex Luthor when he was saving my life, just a couple of hours ago."

"How? Why? Lex?" Kara asked confused.

"Metallo, some weird device, kryptonite flames, Lex throwing himself over me and standing in for my skin and lungs," Power Girl summed up. "He's gained Plastic Man's powers and is acting like a decent person for the moment. Hell, after saving my life, he gave me electrolysis to remove all my leg hairs."

"Gotta be some plot," Huntress said.

"No doubt," Power Girl agreed easily.

"So he was…" Kara trailed off.

"Everywhere," Power Girl confirmed. "He pointed out that he had been my lungs for a little while and that you can't get much more intimate than that."

"Weird, but true," Huntress agreed.

"It also shows that you wouldn't have to worry about breaking Plastic Man," Black Canary said, quickly changing the subject.

"And he mouths off to Batman regularly, so Superman doesn't intimidate him," Huntress added.

"Kiss it!" Plastic Man yelled, as he chased Flash through the League's cafeteria, carrying a dead frog dressed in a tuxedo.

"Never!" Flash yelled, dodging like crazy as the stretchy superhero tried to corner him, limbs shooting out in a dozen directions as he chased the speedster.

As the two vanished back out of the cafeteria, Supergirl and Power Girl exchanged amused glances and chorused, "Pass!"

Chapter Text

"Do you even need a bodyguard at this point?" Mercy asked.

Xander swallowed a bite of hotdog and took a sip of soda before answering, "I need someone I can trust to have my back."

Mercy looked shocked for a moment before recovering. "How exactly did the whole 'see yourself through another's eyes' thing occur?"

Xander carefully looked around to make sure no one was close by.

"Eyes inside your head, Boss," Mercy reminded him, amused.

Xander's elongated eyeballs snapped back into his head. "Oops, going to have to work on that; it's far too easy to shift without noticing. But back to the question. A teenage version of me, in a reality far from our own, was caught up in some strange event on Halloween that granted me his memories. He comes from a lower middle class background with neglectful drunks for parents and his chosen form of escapism is comic books."

"How does comic books factor into this?" Mercy asked curiously.

"Because the comics, cartoons and even movies, are all about this branch of creation and the people in it," Xander explained.

"I'm less shocked by that than I should be," Mercy admitted after a moment's thought.

"So not only do I have the memories and opinions of a normal… well, normal-ish, teen version of me, but he basically had limited omniscience focused on our reality or at least a close alternate versions of this reality," Xander explained. "In almost none of the realities he knows of, am I just a normal businessman," Xander said thoughtfully. "I'm either a giant douche or a paragon of humanity."

"And no one wants to be a giant douche," Mercy said with a smirk.

"I'm not aiming for paragon, but slightly less of a dick seems an easy enough goal," Xander replied cheerfully.

Mercy grinned.

"And I may have an additional clue to your origins," Xander said.

Mercy froze.

"In some of the realities, you are actually an amazon," he explained. "I don't know if this is one of them, but the possibility exists and I think a trip to Themyscira would give you a chance to test yourself against warriors who have been practicing for well over a thousand years."

Mercy smiled openly, her eyes lighting up, before she frowned. "Then who would watch your back?"

Xander grinned. "I'll try and keep things quiet while you're gone. I don't have anything Metallo-level planned. Mostly it's all lab work and annoying superheroes with a prank or two, nothing big."

"I suppose I am due some vacation time," she allowed, biting her bottom lip in a rare show of nervousness. "But how exactly would I go about contacting them?"

"Superman's supposed to return my arm sometime, I'll just ask him to ask Wonder Woman to have a word with you," Xander replied.

Mercy glanced at his shoulder, making sure there was still an arm attached. "Didn't you regrow it?"

"Yes, but all my bits are immortal, so the arm that was broken off is still alive," Xander explained.

"So it's going to grow into another you?" Mercy asked, before taking a bite out of her remaining hotdog.

"I… I don't know," Xander admitted. "Usually any bits that get cut off simply stay the same size and wait around until they get re-attached. I guess they could conceivably grow into a second me, but it's not likely."

"So I shouldn't be worried about duplicates of you showing up?" she asked.

"The smaller the piece, the less brain power it's got," Xander replied. "The arm, for instance, is probably almost as smart as a chimpanzee."

"So if a version of you shows up flinging poo, I'll know what it is," Mercy joked, an occurrence so rare that Xander knew from the original Lex's memories that she was definitely very nervous.

"Relax. Breathe," he ordered her, a hint of the old Lex making an appearance. "If they are your people, they'll welcome you with open arms and if they're not they'll still welcome you with open arms for being a strong female warrior."

Mercy took a deep breath and let it out, any trace of nervousness buried under iron control. "Yes, Sir."

"We still have half a dozen possible leads to follow up if this doesn't work, and if it becomes necessary, I'll see about inventing some sort of time viewer so we can take a peek at the past," Xander promised.

She looked surprised at the thought but nodded.

"And after that we can use it to find out who killed JFK and where Hoffa is buried," Xander added thoughtfully. "I've always been curious about that."

"Blech!" Flash said, wiping off his mouth as Plastic Man laughed.

"Ahem!" Batman cleared his throat as he held up a container.

Plastic Man deposited the frog, dressed in a pink fluffy gown and a tiara, inside. "Sorry, but it had to be done."

"You're just lucky you thought of it first," Flash retorted with a grin.

Batman tapped a button on the base of the clear container, causing a forcefield to surround the frog inside.

"Lunch?" Plastic Man asked.

"Lunch." Flash replied as the two headed off to the cafeteria.

Batman walked back to the monitor room and handed the container to Superman. "I'll run a quick scan of the station to see if it shed any mass while they were playing with it, but I believe whatever plan Luthor had this time, we stopped before he could initiate it. Losing an arm seems to be unplanned."

"He's developed a sense of humor," Superman noted, as he looked at the frog outfitted as a princess.

"Something big happened," Batman said with a frown. "Personality change of this magnitude requires major trauma."

"Or enlightenment," J'onn added.

"It's Luthor," Batman said.

"Definitely trauma," Superman decided.

"How in the world did Luthor give you electrolysis and have it work?" Supergirl asked, as she casually backhanded a bank robber to the ground. "Because even with practice, using heat vision to shave my legs gives me a sunburn for about an hour."

"Tell me about it," Power Girl agreed as she stripped several criminals of their guns and crushed them into a ball.

"Take this!" one of the crooks yelled, pulling a small lead box out of his pocket and opening it, revealing a piece of kryptonite the size of a golf ball.

Supergirl winced and stumbled back, Power Girl catching her before she could fall.

"I'm going to kill you bitches!" he yelled, his voice slightly muffled by the pantyhose over his face as he thrust the box at them, forcing them to their knees.

Power Girl's half-cape leapt forward and slammed the lead lined box shut, startling all three of them.

"New power?" Supergirl asked. She quickly recovered from the brief exposure and grinned evilly as the robber struggled to pry open the box that Power Girl's cape was easily holding shut.

"I don't think so," Power Girl replied as the box was pulled from his hands and delivered into her's.

"Umm… I meant bitches in the most respectful manner," the criminal offered nervously.

Supergirl flicked his forehead, knocking him out.

"Luthor put it on me after he saved my life, when I complained about being naked," Power Girl explained.

"I'm guessing it's like Plastic Man's outfit," Supergirl said as she scanned it, to make sure it wasn't bugged. "The material is a match."

The remaining robbers got down on their knees and put their hands behind their head as the two kryptonians departed and the police flooded the bank.

"It's certainly handy," Power Girl said, clenching her hand around the box and cinching it shut so that you'd need super strength or a prybar to open it.

"Does this mean Lex was naked and just pretending to be wearing his outfit when Captain Atom tackled him?" Supergirl asked as they took to the skies over Metropolis.

The pair laughed.

"Think I should return it to him?" Power Girl asked.

"He's rich, he's probably got dozens," Supergirl said, as a pouch formed when Power Girl went to tuck the small box under her belt.

"I'll return it if he asks, but until then I'm keeping it," Power Girl decided.

"I wonder what other outfits it has stored?" Supergirl said thoughtfully as they hovered over the city waiting for an alarm.

"How do you mean?" Power Girl asked.

"Well, Lex likes white suits, but it formed into your outfit when he put it on you, so he probably programmed that in as an alternate setting," Supergirl reasoned.

"White suit," Power Girl ordered and grinned as it changed into a stylish white suit that fit her perfectly.

"So how many outfits do you figure?" Supergirl questioned.

"Knowing Luthor?" Power Girl said, knowingly. "Tons! Probably all male though."

"Only one way to find out," Supergirl said. "Try some other commands."

Ten minutes later…

"I don't think they're programmed in, I think it's like Martian clothes, or at least a decent knock off," Power Girl decided. "It can change into anything, but doesn't read minds for it. Hell it even does sports equipment, though they remain attached by a thin line."

"Saved your life, gave you electrolysis and an all-in-one outfit," Supergirl noted. "If it wasn't Luthor, I'd say marry him."

"I know," Power Girl agreed. "It'd be nice to think he was actually sincere, but he's done far too many heel-face-turns to be believable."

"Yeah, but they always get revealed in a couple of months," Supergirl said. "So I guess… wait a year?"

"Agreed. If he hasn't turned evil and launched a villainous plot by this time next year, I'll allow him to propose to me." Power Girl laughed and Supergirl joined her.

"I'm glad you're okay," Supergirl said softly a minute later.

"Thanks," Power Girl replied, trying not to get emotional. "Oh, look! A mugging!" she exclaimed in relief and quickly sped off.

"I wonder what he's planning," General Eiling said, as he stared at the clone floating in the tube.

"Who knows how Luthor's mind works," Waller said, startling him. "For all we know he could be playing it straight just to throw us off."

"I hadn't thought of that," Eiling admitted.

"Lately he's been very straightforward, no snide comments or cryptic asides," Waller noted.

"His suggestions on making an effective counter agent to Superman were so simple and logical I can't believe we didn't think of them ourselves," Eiling said.

"He didn't even haggle on the three million price tag per clone," Waller said.

"He can afford it," the General replied. "And considering his requests, we are the only ones who can guarantee results."

"True, but I was prepared to accept just under two million and he should have known that," Waller said. "Normally he's not one to waste a penny, but he signed over the salvage rights to Metallo."

"Including the kryptonite?" the General asked, surprised.

"Including the kryptonite," she agreed.

"His goals have changed," General Eiling said firmly. "Something happened to make him open his eyes and look at the big picture and he didn't like what he saw. I've seen it happen to men in the field, most new recruits in fact."

"A personality shift caused by trauma would explain almost everything," Waller agreed.

"What's missing?" Eiling asked.

"Well, for one, why did he insist Corben be hung like a pornstar?" she asked, genuinely surprised.

Eiling laughed. "Basic psychology."

Waller considered that for a moment. "Seriously?"

"It's why penis enlarging pills are a multi-billion dollar industry even though every guy knows they are as likely to work as sending money to a Nigerian prince," he assured her.

"Men," she said with a snort, rolling her eyes.

Xander thumped his head against his desk, his skull flattening like a pancake.

"Did I come at a bad time?" Superman asked.

Xander pealed his face off the desk, reached up and pulled the day's issue of The Daily Planet off of the left side of his face, causing a sound not unlike Velcro separating. "Hey, Supes. Give me a second." Xander then forced his head back into its normal shape.

"I've got your missing… mass," Superman said, seeing that Luthor had both his arms.

"Finally some good news," Xander said, as Superman deactivated a forcefield over a small clear spherical contained and dumping a frog in a dress on his desk.

"Why in the world -" Xander began as he poked the frog and absorbed it. "Never mind, I now remember. Note to self: Get suitably funny revenge on Plastic Man for making me kiss Flash, possibly involving crossdressers or mutant frogs or both."

"What had you upset when I came in?" Superman asked, wanting to change the subject.

"Just going over current projects and cancelling all the ones designed to kill you," Xander replied. "The savings from ignoring you alone is going to increase stock value by twenty percent."

"And that upsets you?" Superman asked.

"No, what upsets me is how much money was wasted with this idiocy," Xander said. "There was one project costing over fifteen million dollars based on tricking Lois Lane into using a kryptonite contaminated douche to slowly poison you."

Superman just stared.

"I know," Xander said, shaking his head. "It's as bad, if not worse, than the CIA assassination attempt on Castro using poisoned cigars."

Superman opened his mouth, found nothing to say and closed it again.

"Hell, not only would it be ineffective, it would also speed up your growing immunity to kryptonite," Xander said.

"What?!" Superman asked in shock.

"It's simple really," Xander replied. "Douches wash away contaminants by design. Now if they had used contaminated lube and had that Kate-something write an article about spicing things up in the bedroom with a little backdoor action, we'd be in business. Lube is designed to be absorbed into the skin and any tingling you felt would be waved off as excitement."

Superman scanned Luthor's face for a second. "I… have something I need to do," he said nervously.

"I know, people to save, disasters to stop," Xander replied honestly. "Please let Wonder Woman know Mercy needs to talk to her, please and thanks again for retrieving everything."

"No problem… Bye," Superman said before vanishing in a burst of speed.

The door to the office opened and Mercy entered. "Boss, I have…" her voice trailed off as she stared at him.

"What?" Xander asked.

"Did you get your face stuck to the paper? Because you have the advice column on your face in reverse," Mercy explained. "Well that or it's in a foreign language that just looks like it's backwards English, talking about some new starlet named Lana Xes."

Xander examined his reflection in the computer monitor and chuckled as he played the last few minutes back in his head.

"You want me to analyze what?" Batman asked a tense looking Superman.

Chapter Text

"You!" an enraged voice growled out.

"Me?!" Xander asked, spinning around and spotting a short, bald man in a brown suit, floating in mid-air. "Mr. Mxyzptlk?!"

"That's the name," agreed the four-foot-tall, fifth-dimensional imp with a glare. "Now what's the big idea?!"

Xander opened his mouth but found he had no response. "You'll have to help me on this one; I literally have no idea what you're talking about."

"Okay, I'll illuminate things for you," the imp said, taking of his bowler hat and waving it around. "You, Xander, are playing pranks on Supes on MY dime! Today is my day to play with Big Blue and instead of stumbling into my trap, he's off having Batman scan all of his and that Lois dame's intimate time toy box!"

Xander just stared for a moment. He could see the chain of events that led to that outcome pretty easily, but it required a level of paranoia he didn't expect on Superman's part. "I honestly did not prank Superman," Xander said. "I've been too busy lately and if I got in your way, I sincerely apologize and swear to avoid him whenever you want me to!"

Xander knew exactly how powerful and capricious Mxyzptlk was and had no intention of pissing him off.

The brown-suited figure considered that for a moment, idly spinning his hat in his hands. "Hmmm… I can see where things went wrong and I guess it really ain't your fault."

Xander let out the breath he was holding, shrinking by a good two feet as he relaxed a bit, now that he wasn't about to be turned into a toilet in a New York City subway bathroom.

"But I'm still going to give you a time-out," he decided.

"Wha-" Xander began, when the imp snapped his fingers and Xander found himself falling from a great height. "AHHHH!"

He stopped screaming after a couple of seconds when he remembered he was immortal and nearly indestructible. "I really should get in some practice with flying forms," Xander muttered before he hit the ground with a thud.

He slithered out of the crater he'd created like a large pink worm, his skin rippling as he shook the dust off himself. He shifted into his original form, just in case, before he looked around. "I wonder where he sent me. Hope it's not Marvel; It'd be a pain to find my way back."

"Superman sent word that you wanted to speak to me," Wonder Woman announced as she landed in the park, scaring away the pigeons.

"I do," Mercy agreed. "I'm looking for where I come from and Lex suggested I check with you."

"You believe you're an Amazon?" Wonder Woman asked doubtfully.

Mercy considered throwing out more birdseed to attract the birds back that had fled. "No idea," she replied honestly, "but Mr. Luthor said it was a possibility I should investigate as, even if it's wrong, at least I'll get to spend some time with women like myself while he's busy."

Wonder Woman nodded. "Would you mind if I used the Lasso of Truth on you as a safety precaution?"

"Do you use it on everyone who asks you to check for Amazon origins?" Mercy asked.

"No, but you are a close… associate of Lex Luthor who, regardless of recent changes, has spent a considerable amount of time and money trying to kill Superman and destroy the League," Wonder Woman explained.

"That's fair," Mercy decided as she emptied the rest of her bird seed on the ground and tossed the bag in the trash, "provided you wrap it around your hand as well so I can ask you embarrassing questions if you get too far out of line in your questioning."

Wonder Woman looked taken aback for a moment but shyly nodded after a moment's consideration. "That seems fair."

"Then let's do this," Mercy said, offering a hand.

Wonder Woman clasped her hand and wrapped the lasso around them. "Are you involved in any plans that would be detrimental to Themyscira or its people?"

"No, I harbor no ill intentions towards the Amazons and am simply looking to find where I come from," Mercy assured her.

Wonder Woman nodded. "The lasso can often reveal truths of which you were unaware. What can you tell me about your origins?"

"My earliest memories are of being homeless in Gotham as a child. I banded together with a number of other children and we stole to survive. I ended up leading a group of young girls until I tried to rob Mr. Luthor," Mercy said, head tilted to the side and her eyes unfocused as she examined her memories. "He basically adopted me, even though he wasn't that much older than me."

"Is that why you follow him?" Wonder Woman blurted out before realizing that was a bit too personal.

"Lex Luthor took a girl barely in her teens off the streets and gave her food, shelter, and clothing, but he offered her more than just that. He offered me a place in society, security, a name. I wasn't just some nameless gutter rat doomed to turn tricks to keep all of the kids I led fed anymore, I was Mercy Graves. I existed as more than just a police report on juvenile crime or a statistic on homeless children in Gotham. I was given an education, lessons in poise, and training in how to remove any obstacle in my way."

"I apologize, that was rude of me to ask," Wonder Woman said.

Mercy grinned like a shark. "Ever thought of being spit roasted between Batman and Superman?"

"Pardon?" Wonder Woman asked. "I'm not familiar with that term in that context."

One explanation later…

"So?" Mercy asked with a grin.

"I don't believe I have ever imagined that, no," a brightly blushing Amazon admitted.

"Are you imagining it now?" Mercy asked.

"Vividly," Wonder Woman agreed before changing the subject. "What leads you to believe you might be of Amazon decent?"

"Mr. Luthor has informed me that in at least one timeline he is aware of, I am an Amazon and between my love of battle and the fact that I had a right hook that could take down a professional boxer by the time I was twelve, it seems likely I am in this one as well," she replied.

"A reasonable assumption," Wonder Woman agreed. "I can think of no more reasonable questions to ask, though I do have a couple of personal ones I am curious about."

"I have another embarrassing question ready," Mercy offered with a smile, clearly amused.

"What is it concerning?" Wonder Woman asked curiously.

Mercy grinned widely. "You, Batman, Superman, and Aquaman along with the term 'airtight."

"I believe I can guess the context in this instance," Wonder Woman admitted. "Why are your questions all sexual in nature?"

"Because I assume your sexual contact with males has been rather limited and because I'm pretty sure casually mentioning your answers while Mr. Luthor has taken a drink of coffee will have amusing results," Mercy replied.

"I might as well ask the question as my imagination has now sunk to levels previously unplumbed," Wonder Woman admitted, with a sigh. "How do you personally feel about Luthor?"

"The answer to that is a bit complicated," Mercy admitted. "I am not blind to his faults, in fact much like the gods you worship, the amount of power he wields makes them all the more apparent, but I have always believed he'd eventually overcome them and lately… he has." She smiled broadly. "Personal body guard, high priestess,… girl with a bit of a crush; all these apply at different times. Now one last one for you, if you don't mind."

"Go ahead," Wonder Woman said.

"Do you think Aquaman tastes fishy and does that change where you'd put him in reference to what I was going to ask about last time?" Mercy asked curiously.

Wonder Woman got a far-off look on her face. "That question is going to bother me for a while now and yes it does." She quickly unbound their hands.

Xander looked around. He has crashed into a park in Central City and from the clock on the town hall he could see, it was a little over half an hour until midnight but the streets were completely deserted. It was more than a little eerie.

"Halt citizen! You are out after curfew," a voice announced, shining a green spotlight on him from the night sky behind him.

Xander spun around, his hand forming a visor to protect his eyes. "Green Lantern?" he called out, recognizing the voice.

"Plas?" John replied. "What are you doing out after curfew and looking like that?" He dropped the light back down to normal.

"Well…" Xander's voice trailed off as he examined Green Lantern. "I'm seeing grey in your goatee and lines on your face that weren't there last week. Please tell me I'm not in some Bizarro universe where you guys are evil versions of yourselves!"

Green Lantern scanned him with his ring. "Is this some kind of joke, Plas?"

Xander shook his head. "I was teleported here by a fifth-dimensional entity. There should be an entry in Justice League files for Mxyzptlk. Anyway, I think we can safely say while I am a Plastic Man, I'm not your Plastic Man. Now… please tell me you're still a good guy, because your outfit is reminding me of the Enterprise B."

"Well, you certainly sound like our Plas," Green Lantern said, landing next to him, "but the law is the law and you are breaking curfew, so I'll have to take you in. We should be able to settle this at the Watchtower."

"Shit, this is an evil goatee dimension," Xander decided.

"Don't make this harder than it has to be," John said, creating manacles on Xander's wrists and ankles.

"Hard? I'll show you hard!" Xander exclaimed, the manacles falling to the ground and dissolving as he grew new limbs and absorbed the old ones into his body.

"It doesn't have to be that way," John said, as Xander started growing larger. "It'll be a lot easier for you if you just come quietly!" Green Lantern's aura flared as he leapt into the sky and prepared to defend himself.

"Up yours!" the fifteen-foot-tall Xander yelled as he swung a mammoth fist at him.

"Don't make me do this," John begged, only to stare in horror as the low-powered concussive blast cut right through the giant rubber man. "NO!"

Xander's form deflated like a punctured air mattress; the sound of the air rushing out almost masking a clanging sound.

The Green Lantern circled around and found a thick line of plastic leading from the collapsed figure to a manhole cover. "A decoy," he said, relieved he hadn't just killed Plastic Man or an alternate of him.

Using his ring, he smoothed out the crater and rolled up the decoy to take to the lab. He had no doubt Batman could figure out who he'd run into and what he'd wanted, but right now he had a report to file and a round to complete.

"Watchtower, one to beam up," John said, a thick roll of plastic material under his right arm.

"And why am I going through with this?" Lois demanded.

"Luthor had a number of projects aimed at me that were designed to use you as the focal point," Superman explained once more, as he laid her down on the molecular scanner in the Watchtower's research lab.

"I suppose a small check-up isn't out of line," she conceded as he activated the machine and zipped off with a flash drive a moment later. After a few minutes of lying there, bored out of her mind, she turned to a panel to her right, conveniently placed where she could reach it and looked at the results.

Subject: Lois [Joanne] Lane; female; Age: Classified; Weight: Classified

She smirked. Someone knew what information not to include in her files.

Genetic Screening Results

Human DNA: 96.88%, Kryptonian: 3.12%

"What does this mean?" she wondered aloud, as she ran a finger over the results.

"One of the subject's great-great-great-grandparents from the maternal line was Kryptonian," a synthesized voice replied.

She started, but immediately calmed down, having dealt with AIs before. "Is my DNA compatible with Cla… Kal-El?" she asked, trying to sound unconcerned.

"Negative."

She sighed and her shoulders slumped. "Great. Granny was a Kryptonian, but it's not close enough to count."

"Incorrect. The incompatibility comes from the Kryptonian gene set."

Lois thought about that for a minute. "You mean to tell me it's the slight trace of Kryptonian genes that are causing the compatibility issue?"

"Correct," the synthesized voice agreed. "Gene alterations in the El line to enhance longevity are in conflict with the gene sequence used to promote rapid healing."

"And since I've never noticed any rapid healing on my part, I'm going to guess it doesn't work for someone who's only three percent Kryptonian anyway," Lois said with a sigh.

"Correct."

"I don't suppose you have a solution to the incompatibility problem on file?" Lois asked.

"Twelve solutions on file," the computer replied.

"What's the easiest way?" she asked.

"Genetic alterations can be done in lab to produce offspring in as little as six weeks using an artificial womb and solar lamps."

"Let's save that for plan B," Lois decided. "What is the easiest way to allow us to conceive without doing it in a lab?" she asked.

"Gene replacement therapy can be used to remove the incompatible genes and replace them with ones that are compatible," the synthesized voice explained.

"Could I become Kryptonian?" Lois asked eagerly.

"Using a combination of gene samplings from both Kryptonians on file that is indeed possible."

Lois frowned. "Becoming his sister-cousin is not something either of our parents would approve of." She smiled. "Even if he is from Kansas. Next solution?"

"A source of Tamaran genes are available, allowing for natural conception with a high degree of certainty."

"A little more details, please," Lois requested.

A holographic figure floated in the air in front of her showing an orange-skinned Lois with glowing green, pupil-less eyes.

"Have anything that won't change my appearance to any great degree?" she requested.

Names and gene sequences flashed across the panel next to her, too fast to be read, until finally settling on UNKNOWN SUBJECT 98% COMPATIBILITY and showing Lois three complete views of how she'd look.

"Skin is a shade paler and the eyes a little darker, but I think we have a winner," Lois decided. "How would we go about doing this?"

Batman shook his head as he read the results. "She's clean, no trace of contaminates, though I would suggest more fish in her diet and a better workout regimen."

"You say that about everyone," Superman pointed out.

"It's still good advice," Batman replied. "The modern diet is heavy in red meat and most people simply don't get enough exercise. It makes them fat and easy to anger."

"Don't you provide ground beef at a discount to the local jails and Arkham Asylum?" Superman asked.

"It makes my job easier," Batman explained.

Chapter Text

"Alright we'll put it to a vote," Batman said, looking around the table at the Justice League.

"I vote death," Captain Atom said.

"We're voting on whether to allow Lex Luthor or Mr. Fantastic as he's been calling himself, into the League," Batman reminded him.

"I know and my vote still stands; he's Lex Flippin' Luthor," Captain Atom said firmly.

"You can't just -" Wonder Woman began.

"I second it," Batman interrupted her. As everyone looked at him, the Caped Crusader shrugged. "Luthor has pretended to turn over a new leaf before, only to return to his criminal ways. I feel that a strong sign of disapproval would help prevent future occurrences."

"I don't think we can vote to execute him rather than allow him admittance to the League," Wonder Woman said.

"We are completely outside of any earthly jurisdiction," Batman explained. "Legally we can do anything we want and we're in the clear."

"Death!" Flash called out. Seeing everyone looking at him, he explained, "These meetings take weeks for me in subjective time and I don't want to be here for months, besides I tend to follow Batman's lead as he puts real effort into these things."

"Well, I'm sold," Plastic Man said. "Death!"

"You had me at not making this meeting take longer," Guy Gardner said. "Death!"

"I can see the reason in it," Wonder Woman admitted. "Very well then, Death it is."

"Care to make it unanimous?" Batman asked, leaning back in his seat, his D-Cup breasts pushing him away from the table.

"Death," Superman agreed with a smile.

"That's a bit harsh," Green Arrow said and left with a pout on his face, cradling his bowl of chili.

"Wait, what?" Superman asked as he looked around and found he was in Batman's personal lab on the station.

"Ollie was just saying how the smell of a good bowl of chili reminds him of camping with his father, then he asked you what the smell of his chili reminded you of," Batman explained.

Superman winced.

"What were you daydreaming about?" Batman asked curiously.

"We were voting on whether or not to induct Luthor as a member of the League," Superman admitted.

"And you voted death," Batman noted.

"You seconded it!" Superman defended himself.

Batman allowed a smirk to appear on his face, letting Superman know how ridiculous his argument was, before saying, "To be fair to Dream-Batman, it's a more reasonable vote than making him a member."

Superman laughed. "I'm glad someone agrees with me, although truthfully his recent change in attitude makes me feel like I'm being excessively paranoid."

Batman finished his final test and handed the box of toys to Superman. "He's always got an angle, and while I'm the last person to claim paranoia is unwarranted… I would suggest a more reasonable level of it."

"Point taken." Superman agreed, trying to pretend the box was filled with anything but what it was.

Kara sat in the Monitor Room with Martian Manhunter. While boring it was part of her training, so she paid close attention as to how he assigned the League Members on shift.

"You've been avoiding assigning Power Girl to anything involving fire," she noted.

J'onn nodded. "While she is mentally and emotionally strong enough to confront such situations if she has to, some time to recover and deal with what she has been through would be more beneficial to her mental health."

"How deep do you probe into people?" Kara asked, realizing he had probably scanned her and a little uncomfortable about the subject.

J'onn seemed amused at her nervousness. "Telepathy is a co-operative activity for a Martian, the mind of the person I am in contact with tells me what they are comfortable with and how I should interact," he explained.

"Oh," Kara said, finding comfort in that knowledge, and then immediately feeling a little sad as she realized J'onn had no other Martians to mentally connect with anymore.

"Power Girl prides herself on her strength," he said, changing the subject, "and she has a hard time accepting help, even when she knows she needs it. So while she may not say aloud that she would appreciate missions where she can physically handle matters and avoid ones involving flames or having obscured visibility, I can respond to her unspoken request."

"We are lucky to have you," Supergirl said as she got a glimpse of what J'onn did for the League that no one else, besides Batman, probably realized.

"Yes you are," J'onn agreed with a small smile, making her laugh.

"I can think of one person who can out stubborn a kryptonian and get them to talk about their feelings," Kara said thoughtfully.

J'onn nodded in agreement. "Yes, I believe that would be helpful."

"I'll make the call, you get to relay the message to her," Kara decided.

"I have no problem with that," J'onn agreed.

Lois floated in a large glass tube, a breathing mask covering half her face and the tube from that along with nearly a dozen IV's extending above her, swaying ever so gently with her hair in the solution the tube was filled with.

"Lois, what have you done?!" Superman asked in shock, before accessing the computer and watching the recordings. He was surprised to discover that she had faint traces of Kryptonian ancestry, but even more to find that she had altered her DNA with an unknown sample… to make them compatible! His uncertainty about how to feel about that lasted less than a second as both of them wanted children but hadn't discussed it, fear that his alien nature made it impossible keeping them both silent on the issue.

Still, to go this far…

The timer on the genetic re-sequencer said it was another six hours until she was stable enough to be released, so he sat there and waited.

"Hey, big blue!" Mister Mxyzptlk said cheerfully as he popped into the medical lab, ready for some fun as he floated in front of the Man of Steel.

Superman's face actually lit up as he spotted the Imp, making the Imp pause.

"Am I interrupting something?" Mister Mxyzptlk asked cautiously.

"No, I was just thinking I could do with a distraction," Superman said eagerly. "So, what is it? Have you animated all the cars in the world so I have to help out with every single fender bender? I know, you've made every bit of pigeon dropping in the world turn into gold to make the population fight over bird poop!"

"Those aren't bad," the Fifth-dimensional Imp admitted absently, as he examined Superman and his surroundings closely, breaking out into a huge grin and laughing so hard he fell out of the air. "Oh man! I thought what I had planned was fun, but that Lois dame! Bwahahahahahahaha!"

"What?" Superman asked, not liking this reaction at all.

Wiping tears of laughter from his eyes, Mister Mxyzptlk explained, "I was a bit annoyed at old Lexy and his accidental prank caused by your paranoia, but what your dame has deliberately done… I admit defeat on this one, I just can't top it."

Superman's eyes darted from Lois' unconscious form and back to the powerful being.

"I'll see you in ninety days, if you're… up for it!" Mister Mxyzptlk said with a smirk.

"Can you give me a hint?" Superman all but begged, before the Imp could vanish.

The Imp looked torn for a moment but slowly nodded. "I'll just say one thing," Mister Mxyzptlk said.

"Yes?"

"kltpzyxM!" the Imp said with a smirk and vanished, banished from Earth for ninety days.

Superman groaned. "This does not bode well," he said, shaking his head.

"On my way," Power Girl replied, already in the skies above Smallville before realizing she hadn't been told what the problem was. She landed at the back door of a house on a small farm.

"Come in," a familiar sounding voice said as she arrived at the address, before she could knock.

"Coffee?" Martha Kent offered, as the back door opened.

"Um… hi?" Power Girl said awkwardly, as her outfit changed into a flannel shirt, jeans, and work boots.

"That looks handy," Martha noted, gesturing towards the other chair. "I don't believe I've ever seen Clark do that."

"This?" Karen said as she sat down, waving at the clothes. "This is actually a set of shape changing clothes I got from Luthor."

"Don't get me started on him," Martha said, pouring a cup of coffee for Karen. "Beware any gifts he gives you."

"He didn't give it to me," Karen assured her. "While saving my life, he loaned me his suit, so I wouldn't be naked and… I just haven't returned it."

"He probably has more of them than he knows what to do with anyway," Martha said.

"That's what I figured," Karen agreed.

"So how did… that man, end up saving your life?" Martha asked.

"Umm well…" Karen said as she took a sip of coffee, taking the moment to marshal her thoughts. "Well Mrs. Kent - " she began.

"Call me Ma," the older woman broke in.

Superman consulted the records for the source of the DNA and found references to one of Batman's old case files. It and several other unknown DNA sources had been found at the site of a battle. Chroniton particles and human DNA that was at least a millennium more advanced than current humanity suggested time travel was involved. Whatever event had occurred had taken place inside a sealed warehouse in Gotham that had not been used in twenty years and had not spread outside of it, so there was no additional information available.

"I don't know why this would set Mxyzptlk laughing," Superman said, examining the DNA closely. He looked over the data feed from Lois. "Tissue density is increasing…"

Xander extended hair thin tendrils of himself throughout the lab that would be impossible to see on camera. It took only a few moments for him to access the computer system and loop the surveillance data which he them scrambled into five second clips that played in a continually changing order to prevent the system from noticing that fact. Lex wouldn't have gone to these lengths, but Xander knew you couldn't be too paranoid when dealing with Batman, who was in charge of station security.

He reformed his body, while sending the tendrils into the dozens of workstations scattered about the room. Accessing the recordings for the lab, he scanned back over the last week, gathering a dozen passwords from visual data and used them to access mission files. "Okay, we have douchebag Luthor," Xander said, wincing as he watched Luthor kill the Flash.

"Which lead to Superman and the entire Justice League turning into douchebags?" he asked doubtfully, as he accessed more recent history. "Well… authoritarian douchebags anyway."

He brought up news broadcasts and started digging back into the last three years while still going over League reports and files, growing a second and then a third head, to help with multitasking. "Okay, not the entire League, a number are still true heroes," Xander notes, "and more are just doing what they can."

"I like to think we're all true heroes," Batman announced over one of the monitors. "Who are you?"

"No one you'd know," Xander replied honestly, "and true heroes would not have done a number of things you have. You've done what the most ambitious super villains have only dreamed of, you've taken over the world."

"We've saved it," Superman said, the camera pulling back to show the founders of the Justice League sitting at a round table.

"Only in part," Xander agreed, "and while I can readily agree with some of your actions others are way over the line. Lobotomies were handed out like candy at Halloween." Xander shook all three of his heads. "At best I'd say you should only have used it on about seventy percent of the people you did."

"It was a compromise that avoided killing those that could not be reformed any other way," Superman argued. "Plus, the threat of it has done wonders to reduce crime."

"You may have a point there," Xander admitted. "Though I'd argue that telepathic or magical mind wipes would be a lot more humane, even if there would be a non-zero chance of recidivism."

"We've had enough of fighting a revolving group of villains," Wonder Woman said. "Who are you?"

"You can call me Xander, but like I said, none of you have ever heard of me so don't expect it to mean anything."

"And the reason you've broken into the Watchtower?" Batman asked, his fingers dancing over the keyboard in front of him, locking Xander out of a number of systems and sealing the lab to prevent his escape.

Xander responded by taking control of the hidden red sunlight projectors and environmental controls. "I needed to know why this place looked like Orwell's 1984."

"Not from here I take it?" John Stewart asked.

"Alternate reality," Xander replied as the head on his left whistled to get his attention. "Okay, this explains things," he said as he looked over the list of League encounters.

"What explains what?" Batman asked, disabling the red sun projectors rather than gamble on regaining control of them.

"Unless he's just been left out of the database, Superman has not dealt with the fifth dimensional being Mister Mxyzptlk," Xander explained. "That's why he went so far off the rails when The Flash died."

Superman's eyes narrowed. "I did not go off the rails, Flash's death was a wake-up call to do what was needed!"

"What did your Superman do differently?" Wonder Woman asked.

Xander tried to counter Batman's attempts to retake life support, but had to give way to protect his access to mission files. "Ours didn't die, but even if he had our Superman is a more stable and well-rounded individual thanks to dealing with Mister Mxyzptlk"

"I am hardly unstable," Superman said.

"Really?" Xander asked as he started looking over governmental data and census reports. "Then why have you decided to kill all of humanity?"

Chapter Text

"That's preposterous!" Superman snapped back.

"Is it?" Xander asked. "Everything I've managed to access shows that you have stopped all research into space travel - "

"Mankind has no need of space travel right now and the technologies involved are far too volatile to trust them with at this point in their development," Batman interrupted. "The League made the decision, not just Superman."

"Species develop and become civilized by facing challenges, you can't simply wait for them to develop that way when you're taking away the very reason they did so," Xander argued. "But even putting that aside, you seem to have forbidden most areas of scientific research and confined them to a single planet; how is that not killing them? If an alien invasion or an accident doesn't wipe them out then the way you're crushing their spirit certainly will! You should already be seeing the evidence in falling birthrates and rising number of suicides."

Eyes turned towards Batman who paused his attack on Xander to check on the relevant statistics. His increasing frown said more than anything spoken so far, as he consulted database after database, cross-checking statistics. Finally, he stopped and directed his gaze at Xander once more. "Explain!" he ordered.

"What's to explain?" Xander asked.

"I'm not seeing how our actions have led to this," Batman admitted.

"Oh," Xander said, surprised it wasn't obvious. "You've locked mankind in a cage with no hope of escape. What did you think would happen? Mankind as a whole needs new places to explore, new things to discover. Without that… what reason is there to go on?"

"Mankind was well on the path to self-destruction without our help," Superman said.

"That's debatable," Xander said. "Mankind has always walked the line between civil and savage, it's in our nature. Don't pretend Kryptonians are any different! Your people tried to pretend otherwise, and it ended up with the majority of your race dead and I don't want to see that happen to humanity!"

"And what would you have done in our place?" Superman demanded angrily. "Stand by and do nothing?!"

"No," Xander said, shaking his middle head, as the other two were still going over League Records, "I'm not saying you should have done nothing. Hell, I'm not even saying you were completely wrong in your actions. What I'm saying is, you have a few more steps to go before you can consider the job done and by done I don't mean mankind is safe and you can rest. Mankind is never going to be safe in any sense of the word, the best you can do is create a frontier to send the dreamers and madmen to because looking after the human race is a job that never ends."

"And where should this frontier be?" Batman asked calmly, his cowled face giving nothing away.

"While FTL isn't something mankind should have yet, they should be exploring the solar system and working on terraforming the other planets," Xander said. "You keep a tight rein at the core and you let the developing frontier run wild," Xander explained.

"The core would provide stability to those that valued a safe stable life while the disruptive elements would naturally be drawn to the rim, where they would have the freedom to do as they liked," Batman said thoughtfully. "The core would expand as the frontier did, keeping everything in balance."

"As in balance as humanity ever is," Xander agreed. "Plus it keeps humanity spread out, so a single disaster is less likely to wipe it out."

"The technology needed is at least half a century away," Green Lantern pointed out.

"… You do realize that with you in complete control of society, you're free to release any technology you want without having to worry about it causing problems," Xander said.

"I am not completely convinced, but there is a strong possibility you are correct," Batman admitted. "It'll take years to put such a project in place and in that time I'll have gathered all the data I need to prove or disprove your supposition."

Xander turned and stared with all three heads.

"What?!" Shayera said, losing patience.

"Sorry, I just… I'm not used to dealing with people who actually listen to reason," Xander admitted.

"I know the feeling," Green Lantern said. "I think we all do."

"If they actually listened to reason, they wouldn't be supervillains," Wonder Woman pointed out.

"I was referring to the heroes actually," Xander said. "To be fair I was almost as big a douchebag as your Lex up to that point, but you'd think saving Power Girl would have at least bought me a few seconds of good will," he muttered, recalling recent events.

"You were a supervillain?" Superman asked, eyes narrowing.

"Nope, normal everyday asshole," Xander said. "I picked up powers after I decided to stop being a prick."

"But were you a villain?" Batman asked.

"I was a corrupt businessman, so yeah I was a bigger villain than a number of powered ones," Xander agreed. "I'm not sure who I was really matters at this - What happened to Mercy?!" Xander exclaimed, his other two heads swiveling to stare at a monitor.

"Luthor!" Superman exclaimed, leaping to his feet, eyes glowing red.

Xander grew a fourth head. "There's the irrational idiocy I've grown to expect," he deadpanned, as the League leapt into action and he shifted back into his Luthor form.

"Resequencing complete," the Lab's AI announced as it rotated Lois' tube into a supine position and begin removing IV's and draining the liquid that she was suspended in.

Superman waited anxiously, practically dancing from foot to foot as he waited to see the end result of Lois' rash actions.

"Clark?" she muttered as she woke, a number of tiny circular band-aids covering where the IV's had been inserted, but completely clean and dry, as whatever fluid had surrounded her left no trace seconds later.

"Lois!" Superman exclaimed, sweeping her up in his arms, relieved she was okay.

"Someone's happy to see me," she said as she slowly came awake and examined herself. 'My skins a little paler,' she thought. 'But my breasts got a nice bump up in size. I hope we got a little more in back to help compensate,' she added. "So what do you think?"

"I think it was needlessly reckless and something we should have talked about first," he said, squeezing her to him. "But you really can't get much safer than doing it here and it is your body, so I really can't complain even with all the worrying you put me through."

"You're learning," she teased.

"And you're weight has tripled," he teased right back.

"What?!" she exclaimed, quickly looking herself over. "Hah! Good one, farmboy. You had me worried for a second there."

Superman grinned. "I said your weight, not your size. Your tissue density has increased quite a bit. You now weight over three hundred pounds."

Lois shrugged. "As long as I'm still a size four I don't care." She ran a finger down his chest. "So… what do you think?"

"I think you look beautiful as always," he said, the sincerity in his voice having its usual effect as she wiggled to be put down, eyes scanning the room for a comfortable flat surface.

Superman set her down and she pushed him towards the scanning bed, but between one step and the next he found himself blushing as Lois seemed to multiply, three of them standing naked in front of him.

Lois, Lois and Lois paused to examine herself, each turning slowly so the other two could get a good look.

"This is an improvement," they chorused with matching smirks.

"We should - " Superman began when the three quickly resumed pushing him towards the scanning bed.

"It can wait," Lois said as they pulled at his costume.

"Well… If you're sure," Superman found himself agreeing nervously.

"Joy," Xander said as he manually wired up the Lab's red sun projectors to the batteries used for emergency lighting in case of complete loss of power. Sure it wouldn't do much against the combined might of the Justice League, but it would at least keep Superman from trying to vaporize him while the others talked some sense into him.

The sound of a bulkhead being torn apart as Superman bypassed the security doors Xander had triggered caused him to sigh. "I swear, the heroes are worse than the villains."

"You would know, Luthor," Batman said over the monitor, keeping it on even as he crawled through a vent.

"Exactly," Xander agreed. "I have talked to both groups and with the exception of some literal lunatics, heroes are by far the group most prone to leaping into action without pausing for thought. Seriously, would it kill you guys to actually try and talk rather than just attacking people?"

"Fine," Batman said. "Would you mind surrendering?"

"Sure," Xander said. "I surrender." He'd expanded his mass until he was a six inch slab of material covering the entire floor of the lab with four complete bodies projecting upwards from it.

"Release the security and gravitational controls," Batman ordered.

Xander quickly typed something into the station occupied by the body hacking the control system. "Done."

Batman paused, surprised. 'Release the emergency lockdown."

"Done," Xander said, security door retracting and the alarms falling silent.

"Turn off the red solar cells," Batman ordered.

"If I do that, Superman is going to vaporize my head," Xander informed him. "The other heroes are more than powerful enough to take me into custody without Blue Boy and his anger issues."

"I highly doubt he'll go that far," Batman replied.

"Fine, but I reserve the right to say I told you so," Xander said, the fourth body unwiring the red-sun lights.

*BOOM!* *ZAP!*

"I told you so," the fourth Xander said, after Superman had burst through the wall and melted the head of the Xander talking to Batman.

"Stand Down!" Batman ordered Superman as he dropped out of a vent into the lab.

Wonder Woman and Green Lantern rushed through the lab doors pausing to stare as a headless Luthor stumbled around before falling to its knees and collapsing to the floor of the lab twitching.

Superman looked horrified for a moment before noticing the other three Luthors.

"I told you he was going to vaporize my head," the fourth Luthor told Batman.

"Your head melted and it caused you no real damage," Batman countered.

"It's the principle of the thing," Xander argued.

Wonder Woman lassoed number four while Green Lantern approached Luthor one and two who ignored everyone else as they went over League files.

"Why are you here?" Wonder Woman asked.

"To find out why you guys became fascists," Xander replied, finding himself compelled to answer.

"What did you do to your Flash?" Superman demanded, as Shayera arrived.

"I slipped him some tongue," Xander replied, causing everyone to stare at him in shock. "What? I get along with my Flash, I am not a douchebag Luthor!" He blushed heavily and forced himself to stop babbling.

"And your Superman?" Wonder Woman asked cautiously, not sure she wanted an answer.

"We had a little talk and he went to have a discussion about anal lube with Batman," Xander replied, recalling his talk with Mxyzptlk.

"What kind of universe do you come from?" Shayera asked in shock.

"One that branched off from this one pretty early on in Superman's career," Xander answered. "And that branching point was the arrival of a fifth dimensional being who challenged Superman mentally. Looking over the files I also can't find any mention of Batmite, so your Batman is also a bit different than mine."

"Explain," Batman ordered.

"Alright," Xander agreed. "Batman and Superman have attracted the attention of two beings of power, fifth dimensional imps, the ones stories of genies and such are based on. Mxyzptlk challenged Superman to various contests which required him to become more mentally flexible and lead to him relying more on his wits than his power. My Superman is less physically powerful than the one here, but far more stable and intelligent."

"And me?" Batman asked when Xander stopped to marshal his thoughts as he realized the implications of some of the things he'd discovered.

"Seeing what Mxyzptlk was up to, a younger imp who named himself Batmite started to do something similar to Batman, but to far different effect. He's the one who made sure Gotham wouldn't change and that Batman was properly challenged. Both are, for lack of a better word, refining the pair. Both of my versions of you two are more themselves in a way I haven't quite quantified yet, but is obvious by their behavior. My Superman is not an asshole at all and his faith in humanity in unshakable. My Batman is more of an asshole and his will unassailable."

"I don't know what to do with this knowledge," Batman admitted after a few seconds.

Xander shrugged. "There's nothing really to do with it. Your universe is what it is and I've given you my best analysis on what to do to help the human race. You'll note that I didn't say the best thing to do to be heroes, because you are no longer that. You've become the villain of this Earth, and to save the human race you'll have to continue on this path while letting others be heroes."

Silence fell, none of them knowing what to say and after a couple of minutes Wonder Woman asked, "How do we send you home?"

"Have Batman call for Batmite, if that doesn't work, I have a couple of ideas for how to calculate my quantum signature and open a gate home," Xander replied.

"Batmite!" Batman called out loudly causing a small super deformed figure to appear dressed in a campy grey and blue version of his costume.

"Hey!" Batmite called out looking around. "How'd you know to call me in a control universe?"

"That would be me," Xander said.

"Xander!" Batmite said cheerfully. "What are you doing here?"

"Mxyzptlk gave me a time-out while he was playing with Superman and I need a ride home when he finishes," Xander replied. "I think I've overstayed my welcome here."

Batmite nodded. "I can see that. Being gifted with the ability to see to the heart of things would really rub the locals raw, but I can't send you home, the best I can do is send you back to Lex's dimension."

"That's the home I meant," Xander agreed.

"Plus Mercy," the two Xanders going through the files reminded him.

"Plus the local version of Mercy," Xander added. "I don't think she is needed here and this way I won't cause trouble returning for her later."

"Yeah, when Mxyzptlk decided to keep you, we knew these things would happen," Batmite said cheerfully, snapping his fingers.

The two vanished with the sound of a popping bubble.

"Control universe?" Green Lantern asked.

"Keep me?" Xander asked, surprised to find himself back in his standard Lex form, but the sight of the hospital bed with a comatose Mercy Graves on it drove the thought from his head. He quickly grabbed the medical chart from the foot of her bed and scanned through it, blessing the imp for his help. Once he was done he returned the chart and considered his options.

Xander realized he knew of a handful of reliable ways to heal someone in the DC universe, the most reliable of which was surprisingly simple. He leaned over Mercy and kissed her forehead, as a jungle safari outfit formed on his body. "You get your rest, I've got to go hunt down a hero!"

Chapter Text

Xander checked on Mercy one final time before returning to his desk and turning on the intercom. "Miss Jensen, I need a team of medical experts to examine and care for a comatose patient and a tranquilizer rifle and pistol with a block of cartridges on a belt."

The completely unflappable woman just replied, "Yes, Mr. Luthor."

Xander accessed his computer and quickly located the tracks of his target in Gotham. He grinned ominously, and muttered under his breath, "Hello, Jack."

It took less than an hour for him to verify that his blood was likely the solution to the problem he was dealing with.

The doors to his office opened and a team of doctors entered along with a pair of security guards who were carrying the weapons he requested.

"Charts on the foot of the bed," Xander told the doctors while accepting the weapons and ammo. "Treat her like gold, gentlemen."

"Yes, Mr. Luthor," they chorused immediately, busy making their own checks on their new patient.

He loaded the tranquilizers and put on the ammo belts before turning on the intercom. "Miss Jensen, arrange transportation to Gotham please, as quickly as possible while using normal methods of transport."

"Your personal Helicopter is undergoing pre-flight on the helipad," she replied.

"Excellent work, I'll be there in five." Xander took one last look at Mercy and was satisfied to see the doctors were doing a thorough job before he departed.

An alarm started making a subdued beeping noise, drawing Batman's attention to a small pop-up in the corner of the screen.

"Coffee, Master Bruce?" Alfred asked, as Batman clicked on the pop-up, shutting off the alarm and bringing up a series of coded entries.

"Thank you, Alfred," Batman replied, accepting a cup, while sorting through incoming data.

"Something interesting?" the older man asked while sneaking a plate of finger food onto the tray hoping to get Bruce to eat a little more.

"Lex Luthor appears to be taking an interest in The Joker," Batman replied absently, as he back traced the system that had accessed a number of files he had monitored. While he was unable to enter the system itself, he was able to track its movements and found some intriguing medical theories connected to the Joker Toxin that he had missed.

"Showing his true colors again, sir?" Alfred asked.

"I'm not sure," Batman admitted. "However he may have solved the mystery of how The Joker has managed to escape death so many times."

"Really?" Alfred asked curiously, having pondered that mystery at some length himself.

"When certain chemicals that are a vital part of the Joker Toxin are mixed in the blood stream directly, in some people it can cause promiscuous cell replacement without eroding the tellurides, however there is some tissue discoloration and chemical imbalances associated with the process," Batman explained, picking up a small sandwich.

"So The Joker isn't wholly responsible for his actions?" Alfred asked.

"The effect isn't quite that severe, more of a suppression of impulse control, the same as produced by a night of drinking," Bruce explained. "The Joker was a murderer many times over before he fell into that vat of chemicals."

"That's a relief. I'm afraid that for a moment I was actually feeling a bit of sympathy for him."

"Might as well have sympathy for the devil," Batman replied, before feeling a strange shiver. "At any rate, The Joker chose his own path long before he crossed mine."

"As you say, sir," Alfred agreed. "So Luthor is interested in the healing property of The Joker's blood?"

"It appears that way, but I have no idea why," Bruce admitted. "However, I am going to find out."

Martian Manhunter let his mind encompass the entire station for a moment, using his lightest touch on the individuals surrounding him before dispatching on site personnel to assist others.

The staff in the cafeteria were annoyed and Green Arrow was present, so he sent Black Canary to rein in what was probably another lecture on the proper use of spices. Superman was experimenting on something in the lab, so he sent Wonder Woman to assist, as she'd just returned from stopping Poison Ivy and wanted some spore she was covered with analyzed. Normally Batman would have done it, but he was currently in Gotham tracking both The Joker and Lex Luthor.

He briefly considered sending someone to help out, but Batman would not welcome the help, or interference as he saw it.

The Trickster was robbing the Central City bank and while The Flash was another who didn't like others butting into his territory and attacking his villains, he was much more reasonable about it, providing they respected the rules he set down, of course.

He dispatched Aquaman to deal with it as well as apologizing to the Trickster for The Flash being busy, but there was a terrorist fire in Bangladesh that required The Flash's presence.

He mentally sighed at having to have Aquaman deliver an apology, but it was The Flash's city, so his rules applied. There were times that even being a telepath didn't help him understand humans and this was definitely one of them.

"Here is fine," Xander said, sliding open the door and stepping out of the helicopter.

The pilot briefly froze in shock, before remembering who he worked for and simply turning and flying towards the nearest LexCorp helipad for servicing and refueling.

Meanwhile, Xander was slowly drifting down, having used his hands to form a glider chute above him and was aiming for the sounds of violence and gunfire… well, the closest set anyway. He landed just inside of the outer fence of the Easy Laugh Novelty Company. Hearing deranged laughter, he knew he was in the right place.

Wearing a complete safari outfit, including a pith helmet, Xander followed the painful cackling into the building, rifle loaded and ready. A pair of thugs rounded the corner and brought their guns up to fire, but winced and covered their ears instead as the mad cackling hit a higher than normal pitch. Xander lashed out, turning his right hand into a giant flyswatter and slammed them into the wall, making them lose their guns. Stepping close he grew a third arm to hold the tranquilizer pistol and shot them both with it. They seemed relieved as they passed out and couldn't head the laughter anymore.

Xander shuddered and folded his ears over themselves to muffle the sound while holstering the pistol and reabsorbing his third arm. He tried to follow the laughter, but it really echoed, making it hard to tell where it was coming from. Passing through the front office he found a lone thug curled up in a fetal position against the doors to the warehouse with his hands over his ears. Xander was kind enough to tranquilize him as well.

Taking a deep breath he quickly pushed the doors open and leapt through eyes swiveling around to take in the scene. The Joker and half a dozen thugs stood in the center of the place pointing guns every which way as they stood ready to defend themselves.

"Lex?" The Joker said surprised. "I didn't expect to see you here. What brings - "

*CRASH*

Xander was thrown backwards as Batman crashed into him feet first.

"Hey!" The Joker yelled annoyed. "We were having a conversation here!"

"What was that for?" Xander demanded.

"I'm here to stop you, Luthor!" Batman declared, grabbing a pair of blue batarangs from his utility belt.

"No poaching!" The Joker growled out, eyes narrowing.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Xander said holding his hands out. "I am not trying to rub another man's rhubarb here!"

The Joker looked surprised at his response, but calmed down.

"And what are you trying to stop me from doing?" Xander asked Batman.

"You need Joker's blood for one of your schemes," Batman replied. "But to get it, you're going to have to get through me!"

The Joker sniffed. "Batsy, I didn't know you cared!"

"I'm not here for The Joker," Xander said, just before a maniacal laugh caused the thugs to flinch.

"The Creeper?" Batman asked.

"Ah, him," The Joker said, rolling his eyes. "Okay sense of humor, but a tad annoying, you're welcome to him."

"Here's, Johnny!" a figure in a green costume with shaggy red fur accents somersaulted onto a crate, his yellow skin being one of the few noticeable differences between him and The Joker.

"See? Cliché!" The Joker complained. "I mean, yes it's a good reference, but it's played out."

"Creeper!" Xander called out, loudly cocking his rifle for theatrical purposes and ignoring the unfired tranquilizer round that popped out and tinkled across the floor.

"And you are?" The Creeper asked curiously.

"Lex Luthor," Xander replied. "You killed my father, crippled my sister, stole my bike, and cut me off in traffic! Prepare to die!"

Batman flung the two batarangs with his trademark precision, assisted by a gyroscopic, heat-sensitive guidance system that adjusted them in-flight.

"Hey!" The Creeper complained, as the two batarangs collided right in front of Luthor releasing a cloud of white that obscured their view. "Do I go around attacking your villains?!"

"Yes," The Joker drawled, rolling his eyes, obviously amused.

"You stay out of this!" The Creeper yelled, shaking a finger at The Joker who promptly shot him in the head, knocking him off the crate.

"Creeper!" Batman exclaimed, spinning around and flinging several more batarangs that released a fog of green mist around The Joker.

The Joker laughed as his henchmen dropped unconscious. "Please, that little cockroach will be fine. If shooting him worked, I'd have been rid of him months ago."

"Ouch!" The Creeper yelled as he jumped back onto the crate. "Do you mind? I was using that head!" A thin thread of green blood ran down the middle of his forehead where a bullet was slowly being pushed out.

"Not for anything important, like coming up with some original material," The Joker complained.

"What is going on here?" Batman demanded.

The Joker shrugged. "I was just minding my own business - "

"Like anyone will believe that," The Creeper said with a snort.

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," The Joker continued, after taking a second to see how many more rounds he had left. "I was minding my own business when the man with the sub-par sense of humor, but decent taste in fashion, decided to stalk me."

"I wouldn't be going after you if you weren't a criminal who keeps framing me for his crimes!" The Creeper yelled.

"I'm not framing you, the police are just bigots who think all green haired people look alike!" The Joker yelled back before shooting The Creeper in the head again.

The Creeper was properly braced this time and managed not to be knocked down even though his head snapped back from the force of the bullet.

"And where does Luthor factor into all of this?" Batman demanded.

The three turned and stared at Luthor who was frozen in a pillar of ice.

"Good luck getting anything from him before spring," The Joker replied drolly.

"Yeah, what's up with that, Bats?" The Creeper asked curiously. "I mean, generally you don't shoot first and ask questions later."

"Lex Luthor is too dangerous to be taken lightly," Batman replied, before turning to The Joker. "Are you going to come quietly?"

"Please say no!" The Creeper begged.

The Joker grinned evilly and the two heroes tensed preparing to attack.

The Joker's gun clattered to the ground. "I surrender."

"What? No!" The Creeper whined. "I haven't gotten to punch you in the face yet!"

The Joker grinned even wider. "Complete and total surrender. Slap the cuffs on me!"

"You're doing this just to spite me, aren't you?" The Creeper demanded as Batman cuffed The Joker.

"Completely and totally," The Joker agreed.

*CRACK*

The three turned towards the pillar of ice which now sported a huge crack in it.

"By any chance did Lex get over his crush on Supes and simply make himself his brother?" The Joker asked, sounding a bit tense.

"No, Luthor - " Batman began when the pillar exploded, sending shards of ice everywhere.

"I am the Darkness, I am the night, I am vengeance, I am… Batman!" Xander announced, having shifted into a duplicate of Batman and doing a fairly accurate impression.

The Joker and The Creeper both burst out laughing.

"What do you want Luthor?" Batman demanded.

Xander shifted into Elmer J. Fudd and laid his tranquilizer rifle on his shoulder. "I was going to chase Cweeper awound and shoot him with twanquilizew woounds," he lisped out.

"With Creeper's enhanced healing they would have little to no effect," Batman snapped out.

"Still be fun," Xander argued.

"You are so lucky, my nemesis has no sense of humor what-so-ever," The Joker told The Creeper.

"He's not exactly my nemesis," The Creeper said, "and I wouldn't want to poach on Superman's territory."

"What do you want?!" Batman demanded once more.

"Take a chill pill," Xander told him. "I was planning to chase The Creeper around for the fun of it and… get a vial full of his blood so I could make a serum to wake a parallel dimension version of my gal Friday from a coma."

The Creeper sniffed. "I knew it! He only wants me for my body!"

"You cad!" The Joker chimed in.

"Don't hate the player, hate the game," Xander said solemnly.

Silence fell for a moment before the three burst out laughing.

"I'm surrounded by lunatics," Batman muttered.

Superman looked over at Diana from his position sandwiched between two Lois' to where she laid much the same. "Thank you," he said sincerely. "I can handle two, but three… is a bit much."

"Um… You're welcome," Wonder Woman said. "I was coming up here to ask for your help to analyze some spores I'd gotten sprayed with by Poison Ivy."

"Probably aphrodisiac pollen," Superman suggested.

"You may be right," Wonder Woman admitted, when the sleeping Lois on her right snuggled into her chest. "Maybe," Wonder Woman repeated.

Chapter Text

Xander connected the vial of altered blood to Mercy's IV and sat down to wait. He knew this wasn't going to be a fast cure if it worked at all.

Best case scenario, it slowly repaired the damage to her brain over the space of a month, worst case, it did nothing. He'd chosen this method to try first because it had no downside. He'd move onto riskier more complicated solutions only after he'd run out of safe alternatives.

Satisfied that he'd done all he should do for the moment, he allowed himself to drift off to sleep.

The screech of a flatlined heart monitor woke him with a start. He turned to the bed only to receive an IV pole to the face. He rolled with the blow, throwing himself backwards.

Lexcorp security was quick to respond to the disturbance, a squad of four armed officers rushing into the office before Xander had even woken up enough to sort out what had just occurred.

Throwing the covers off herself, a surprisingly agile and non-comatose Mercy Graves dove off the bed, kicking it over to use as cover. "Gun!" she demanded from the security team, who instead swung their guns around to cover her.

"What in the nine hells do you think you're doing?!" Xander roared out in absolute fury, freezing everyone else in place. He stormed over, flinging the heavy hospital bed to the side like it weighed nothing as he stormed past Mercy to glare at his security team.

The four glanced at each other nervously, unsure where to point their weapons as they instinctively found their boss to be the biggest threat in the room.

"Who is in charge of my personal security and able to command every single one of my employees at need?" Xander questioned, pushing his anger down.

"Mercy Graves, sir," the four officers chorused.

"Very good," Xander said with a nod. "Now, when she demanded a gun, why did you not obey her orders?"

"I believe she was going to shoot you, sir," the officer nearest Mercy replied.

"Immaterial," Xander said. "I expect you all to follow the chain of command. If Mercy unloads an entire clip into me, do you know what you do?"

The security officers exchanged glances.

"Offer her a fresh clip?" the most senior officer offered.

"Let my secretary know you are to receive a five percent raise," Xander told him. "Now if you'll care to follow your orders."

"Yes, sir," the four chorused, the one closest to Mercy handing her his gun and adding an extra clip after a moment's thought before they departed.

"What is going on?" Mercy asked, sounding much too calm as she casually checked her weapon.

"Well," Xander began.

*BLAM!*

Xander dove to the side as a potted plant exploded behind him. "I thought you wanted me to explain?!"

"I can listen while I'm shooting," Mercy offered cheerfully before taking another shot at Xander.

"And I can explain while dodging," Xander realized, ducking behind his desk.

"And they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks," Mercy said with a manic grin.

Xander leapt from behind his desk, as he really liked that desk and didn't want it destroyed, to put some distance between himself and Mercy. "We've never actually met before," Xander explained, shuffling to the side when he saw her finger tighten on the trigger and narrowly avoiding a groin shot.

Thankfully the windows were bulletproof so the shot didn't leave the office and only left a small crater in the glass.

"Excuse me?" Mercy asked, absently trying to blow off his left foot.

"This is not your Earth," Xander explained, diving to the side and then quickly reversing his direction so she wouldn't hit the fishtank and instead simply took out the heart monitor.

"Pull the other one," she said with a snort.

"You can pull up the news and check," Xander swore, "Lex Luthor never ran for public office and the Flash is alive here."

"Time travel?" she guessed.

"No, not as you mean it," he said earnestly. "The timeline split… probably decades ago, so I never became the Luthor you knew, though I am a Luthor just as you are a Mercy."

"Then where am 'I'?" she asked suspiciously.

"The 'you' from this reality is visiting Themyscira as there is a slim chance she might be related to the Amazons," Xander explained.

Mercy emptied the clip at him in an absent-minded fashion while she considered his words.

"The Flash being alive is easy to prove and not exactly something I could fake," Xander offered as he climbed to his feet.

"You wouldn't be so clumsy as to offer evidence you couldn't back up," Mercy admitted with a sigh. "So… What happened?"

"I wasn't on your world long, but from what I could gather, President Luthor went nuts, there was something about Kryptonite laced drugs and alien gods, Superman cut him in half and the Justice League took over the world," he explained.

"Bullshit!"

"No, seriously," Xander said. "Your world is a lot more… stupid and gritty than this one. It's like a dark mirror."

"Why did you bring me here?" Mercy asked.

"How could I not?" Xander asked, genuinely confused.

"You'll have to explain what you mean by that," Mercy told the clearly confused Xander.

"Mercy is the one person in the world who is completely loyal to me, not my name or my fortune, me," Xander said as he considered it from Lex's point of view and why he behaved the way he did. "I can't tell you how much that means to me. Loyalty like that demands reciprocation."

Mercy stared at him, surprised. "But how does that apply to me?"

Xander walked up to her and laid a hand on her shoulder. "You are cut from the same cloth as my Mercy and if your Lex hadn't been dead I would have killed him myself for abandoning you. Maybe it was the drugs or mental manipulations he'd been subject to that were responsible, but it's not something I can forgive." He sighed. "I know he was a very different me, but I feel stained with his guilt and when I found that you were in a coma… How could I not bring you back to my world and do my best to make up for his sins?"

"I was in a coma?" Mercy asked, not noticing any pain or weakness that would indicate such.

"You were partially crushed by a collapsed wall," Xander explained, "I had to resort to extreme measures to heal you."

Mercy examined herself but other than chalk white skin, she looked fine. "What did you do?"

"I hunted down a hero with regeneration and stole some of his blood," Xander explained. "I didn't take a lot, just enough to restore you to health over the space of a month. At least I thought I'd taken that amount. This was just my first idea and the least risky one I had, which was thankfully far more successful than I'd hoped."

"This is a lot to take in," Mercy said. "What do I do?"

"Whatever you want," Xander said. "The world is your oyster. You name it and I'll make it happen."

"Definitely not in Kansas anymore," Mercy said.

"Metropolis is in Kansas," Xander reminded her.

"I'm standing on a parallel Earth, wearing only a hospital gown, having shot up my parallel boss' office who is now making jokes despite knowing I have another full clip on me and… I really have to pee!" Mercy exclaimed.

"Use mine," Xander said, waving her towards his private bathroom.

She was clearly surprised by his actions but in too much of a hurry to question them as she rushed off to use the facilities.

Xander took a seat at his desk and made arrangements to fix his office. All was right with the world, his girls were healthy, and… that thought required some examination.

Willow and Buffy were beyond his reach, but he had faith enough in them that he was sure they were doing even better without him there to get in the way, so who were his girls now?

Mercy was obviously his girl, both of them, he decided. A brief image of Power Girl appeared in his mind's eye but she was obviously able to take care of herself and he doubted she wanted anything to do with him, though having a beautiful blonde around who could kick his ass was a habit at this point.

He quickly typed in a new standing order that both Mercys and Power Girl had authorization just below his own.

"Why is my hair green and my skin like chalk?" Mercy asked as she came out of the bathroom dressed in one of his spare suits.

"A side effect," Xander replied easily. "If you don't like them, we can put research to work looking for a solution, but I have to say this look works for you."

"Really?"

"Most definitely," Xander assured her. "Now, what would you like to do right now? Ignore long term plans and just deal with today."

"I want…" She chewed her lip.

"Doesn't matter what it is, I'll make it happen," Xander promised.

"I want lunch, but I'm also still angry," she admitted. "I know I shouldn't be angry at you, but the feelings of anger and betrayal are still there."

"How about we have lunch and then visit the firing range so you can shoot at me some more?" Xander suggested.

"Really?"

"With all sorts of weapons," Xander assured her.

"You really aren't him," she said.

"I like to characterize my alternate selves as either giant douches or paragons," Xander said.

"And you consider yourself a paragon?" she asked with a smirk, used to his ego.

Xander laughed. "No, I'm a recovering douche. My new year's goal was to be slightly less of a dick. It turned out to be remarkably easy."

"Hot dogs and tasers?" she requested.

"I'll see to it," he promised.

"We need a new place," Lois-alpha told her other two selves as they ate lunch at the Watchtower.

"There are three of me, so adjustments will have to be made," Lois-prime agreed.

"Not only that, I need a space for my studio," Lois-blue agreed.

"Studio?" the other two chorused.

"Studio," Lois-blue repeated. "Reporting was nice, but I want to create."

"Create what?" Lois-prime asked.

"No idea, but it'll be fun finding out," Lois-blue replied cheerfully. "I need art supplies and room to experiment."

"I'm guessing neither of you is interested in being a reporter anymore?" Lois-prime said.

"I want children," Lois-alpha said, causing the other two to stare at her in shock. "Don't act so surprised, it's the reason we altered our DNA in the first place," she reminded them.

"You want to be a stay-at-home Mom," Lois-prime realized.

"Very much so," Lois-alpha agreed.

"We can have children, a career, and not worry about neglecting one for the other," Lois-prime said.

"All the cake we want and we get to eat it too," Lois-blue said with a smirk as she gazed across the cafeteria to where Superman and Wonder Woman were talking.

"Beef and cheese," Lois-prime agreed with a matching smirk.

"We really should be over there helping them," Lois-alpha said softly.

"No we shouldn't," Lois-prime disagreed, "they need to talk through what happened and how it changes their relationship without the pressure we would put on them."

"If they come to the wrong decision then we seduce them and change their mind," Lois-blue said firmly.

"Agreed," Prime and Alpha chorused.

Across the cafeteria…

"Are you OK?" Diana asked, placing her hand on Kal's arm when she saw him shiver.

"Yes," he replied, grateful for the support. "I was just listening to Lois… es plan to seduce us if we fail to make the right decision."

Diana beamed. "If ever there was a woman that should have been born an Amazon, she qualifies several times over."

Kal smiled. "That she does."

"Now as I was saying, you are my friend. Of course I have no problem seeing you in a romantic light, else you would not be my friend," Diana explained. "I cannot see how someone could be romantically interested in another unless they were friends first."

Kal smiled. "Amazon culture is a lot more logical and straight forward about things."

"Only after centuries of problems," Diana said with a laugh. "Give anyone a few hundred years and they'll eventually figure out how to get along with their significant other. I'm just glad I received that wisdom without going through the problems they did."

"What kind of problems?" Kal asked curiously.

"Our premier pottery expert developed her skills because her lover refused to wash the dishes unless she did the laundry," Diana explained with a grin.

"That doesn't sound too bad," Kal said. "How did that lead to her gaining pottery skills?"

"That particular argument lasted over three decades," Diana replied. "She destroyed all the dishes and made new ones to avoid washing them while her partner simply took to wearing nothing."

"For thirty years?" Kal asked in disbelief.

"I somehow doubt Lois is that stubborn," Diana told him.

Kal sighed. Mxyzpltk's response made a lot more sense now.

Chapter Text

"Better?" Xander asked Mercy as he retrieved errant body parts while hopping around on one leg.

"Yeah," Mercy agreed, "I feel a lot less angry." She watched as Xander chased down his left hand, which was trying to escape by running on its fingers. "So… Plasticman?" She set the grenade launcher on the table.

"Plasticman," Xander agreed, sensing he'd reclaimed all his nearby parts.

"Why Plasticman?" she asked.

"Sexual reasons," he replied, causing her jaw to drop. Xander burst out laughing.

"You really are different," she said, shaking her head.

"I'm not completely joking," Xander admitted. "I mean, the possibilities are endless, but the main reason was immortality and vitality."

"Not overwhelming power?" she asked, sounding lost.

Xander placed his hand on her shoulder. "Your Luthor was an idiot. Look at what the pursuit of power cost not only himself but everyone around him. Meanwhile, I am immortal, rich, handsome… and have two Mercys."

Mercy shook her head, but found a smile growing on her face anyway. "And what if I want to escape you?" she asked.

"Then I will arrange for you to get a large sum of money, a new ID, and a plane ticket to wherever you want to go," Xander said solemnly. "I would suggest spending some time with a qualified shrink and finding something that makes you happy."

Mercy sighed. "Working for you used to make me happy. I knew my place in the world and you were my rock." She shook her head. "The other Luthor was, I mean. I think I need a break. I want to go home."

"Home?" Xander asked.

"Gotham," Mercy replied, "where I grew up."

"I'll arrange it," Xander promised. "If you need a year or five or even a dozen, I will be here when you are ready to talk. Hell, take a century if you need to, we've got nothing but time."

"What name should I use?" Mercy asked.

"What's wrong with your own?" Xander questioned, confused.

"This world already has a Mercy Graves in it," she pointed out.

"It probably has a dozen," Xander replied, unconcerned. "Personal names aren't copyrighted, just look at the number of John Smiths."

"You've got a point," she agreed, a little disappointed she wouldn't get to change her name as she considered trying to reinvent herself, separate from Lex.

"Do you want me to do something about your new coloration before you get to Gotham?" Xander asked.

"No, I doubt anyone will mistake me for the Joker just because I have a similar skin and hair color," she decided.

"Gotham is filled with people that stupid," Xander disagreed, "but it's your choice. Just take some personal weapons and body armor with you, OK?"

"Like I'd say no to weapons and armor," she replied, a bit of cheer in her voice.

"I'll let you take over R&D while they get the paperwork done," Xander said. "Remember you can go to any Lexcorp facility if you need something, alright?"

"Alright," she agreed, a wistful smile on her face as she considered how things could have been different if this has been her Lex.

Martha Kent sipped her coffee as she considered what to do. Lex Luthor had done something praise worthy, he had saved a young woman who was as good as family, despite her exotic origins.

Normally this would not be a problem, she'd bake the person a pie and drop them a thank you note, however this was Lex Luthor, the man who had spent the better part of a decade trying to kill her son!

Martha sighed and tried to puzzle out what the appropriate response was.

"How hard do you think it would be to have Luthor give me the same treatment you got?" Supergirl asked Powergirl.

"Being my skin?" she asked, confused as to why Supergirl would want that.

"No!" Supergirl blushed. "The leg thing."

"I don't know," Powergirl replied. "I think the hard part would be getting Clark and Martha… Ma to allow it."

Supergirl deflated. "Like that'll happen."

"He's not exactly the most trustworthy person on Earth," Powergirl noted dryly, an understatement so large that it made Supergirl laugh, "or there'd be a few areas I'd have him hit. I mean, not having to shave my legs is nice, but there are more sensitive areas that are harder to get to that I would have preferred not having to deal with."

Supergirl groaned. "Which means I'll have to deal with them in the future!"

"Oh yeah," Powergirl agreed, amused at Kara's antics, "and let me just say practice your trick shots now, it'll pay off in the future."

"How tricky could it be?" Kara asked.

"Two mirrors, both hands full, and don't flinch," Powergirl warned.

Supergirl froze in midair for a moment, before hurrying to catch up with Powergirl. 'She's probably just messing with me…" she thought hopefully.

Xander saw Mercy off, fussing over her like a mother hen, much to her amusement. "Remember, I rarely sleep, call anytime."

"I will call if I need something," she promised as she got in the limo.

Xander watched her leave and decided he needed to do something to distract himself, because Lex Luthor did not mope around and listen to country music… No matter how much he might feel like it. "Business is good, not in the mood to mess with Supes, so… invent something?" he mused aloud.

He thought about it as he returned to his office and recalled his idea for a time viewing device. He could feel his brain start to shift gears as he contemplated the various ways to approach the problem. His memories of DC Comics pointed him towards Starr Labs in Central City, since Flash had dealt with a fair number of time meddlers and would have deposited their gear there.

Xander tapped his intercom. "Miss Jensen, I need… a motorcycle," he decided. "Think Easy Rider, not the Baja 1000."

"Two wheel or trike, sir?" she inquired.

"Two wheel," he decided.

"Will a Harley Sportster 1200 be acceptable?" Miss Jensen asked.

"That would be perfect," Xander agreed. "Have it brought around front, I feel like taking a road trip."

"It'll be gassed up and ready to go by the time you reach the lobby, sir."

"Thank you, that'll be all," Xander said. There were a number of things he'd always wanted to do that Luthor had never really thought of and since he had the money and time, he might as well do them.

He nodded at the ever-efficient Miss Jensen on the way out of his office and to the elevator. She was an older woman, mid-40's but obviously took care of herself and wore the grey in her temples with pride. Luthor had found that annoying, but the woman's efficiency was too valuable to make a fuss over. Xander found it admirable, but then he didn't have Luthor's deeply hidden fear of growing old, which was ironic since Xander is the one who had made that impossible now.

Xander stepped out into the lobby, nodding politely at the greetings from the lobby staff before striding out of Lex Corp and into the bright Metropolis day.

"Your motorcycle, Mr. Luthor," the doorman said, handing him a set of keys and offering a helmet.

"Thank you," Xander said, accepting the keys and helmet, before mounting the bike. Luthor had learned how to ride a motorcycle when he was younger, but hadn't really developed a taste for it.

As he started the bike up and discovered the heads up display in his helmet, he decided that it was another way in which Luthor was an idiot.

2 Days Later

"Anything?" Flash asked as he entered the monitor room.

"Joker sighting in Gotham turned out to be a woman with similar coloration," Green arrow reported. "Batman is investigating it."

"Most albinos don't dye their hair green, especially in Gotham," Flash replied. "Probably a fan of the Joker."

"Well speaking of Supervillains," Green Arrow said, "Luthor is heading for Central City."

"What?" Flash quickly scanned the monitors. "Why is he heading for my town?"

"Relax, he's at least a day out from it," Green Arrow assured him. "He's taking his time and hitting all the tourist spots along the way."

"Come again?" Flash asked.

"Lexy is riding a motorcycle and hitting every tourist trap between Metropolis and Central City," Green Arrow explained.

The Flash considered that for a moment. "You don't suppose…"

"Suppose what?" Green Arrow asked.

"That Plas infected him," Flash explained. "I mean, since he's gained Plasticman's powers he's become pretty mellow."

The Green Arrow shook his head. "The changes to Luthor predate his gaining powers," he reminded him.

"Yeah, but I'm suggesting gaining Plasticman's powers increased those changes, not caused them," Flash explained. "I mean, the initial change was caused by some mental trauma and then the addition of Plas to his system guided those changes into who he is now."

"Huh," Green Arrow seemed stumped by the thought.

Flash brought up Luthor's current location on the main monitor, tapping into the cameras of the first Savings and Loan… in Central City.

Green Arrow shrugged. "I guess he skipped the last tourist trap, which would have kept him occupied for another day."

Xander walked into the bank… and right into a hostage situation. "You're kidding, right?" he asked as he took in the nine armed robbers dressed in kevlar and titanium versions of medieval armor.

"Join the others, move!" one of the men ordered, gesturing with his machine gun.

"For one thing, I'm bullet proof and for another," Xander reached up and 'wiped' his hair away, "do you realize who's territory you're operating in?"

"Lex Luthor!" exclaimed a number of people in horror.

"Yours, sir?" one of the robbers asked nervously.

"No," Xander said, shaking his head. "This is The Flash's territory."

"Yes sir, and we're prepared for him," one of them offered, relieved at not stepping on Luthor's toes. "All our weak spots are armored. No matter how many punches he can throw a second, his bones will break before our armor does."

"Yeah, he doesn't have super strength!" another one called out.

Xander nodded. "That's true, he doesn't, but have you seen those pictures of a tornado throwing a piece of straw through an oak tree?" He waited until the robbers all nodded. "That is the wind at three hundred miles per hour."

"H-how fast can The Flash move?" someone asked nervously.

"The Flash has been documented breaking the time barrier, he can move faster than light," Xander said solemnly.

It took a minute for the cursing to die down.

"Then why does he have such a soft Rogue's gallery?" one of the robbers asked.

"Because those are the ones he allows to exist," Xander said. "Anyone who doesn't play by his rules ceases to be."

"No way!" one of the robbers said, shaking his head. "If he was killing villains, we'd have heard about it."

Xander nodded. "He doesn't kill, that would be far less horrifying than what he does."

"What? What does he do?" one of the hostages asked as the criminals seemed too nervous to ask themselves.

"The Flash can travel in time," Xander repeated. "I'm not being poetic when I say they cease to be. There are no villains in Flash's Rogue's gallery who break the rules… and exist."

"Are you saying he goes back in time and prevents them from being born?" one of the security guards demanded.

"Picture this," Xander said. "You're The Flash, a genuinely nice guy doing the right thing and pretty happy doing it. Then, out of nowhere, Bullseye draws a bead on you and fires. The bullet is precisely on target, going through a young girl's head to hit you. Naturally you shift to the side so the bullet just misses you… and you are splattered with the blood and brains of an eight year old girl."

"Oh god!" someone mutters, horrified at the mental image.

"If you were the Batman, you'd be less than gentle taking them in; a couple of months physical therapy would be in their future. If you were Wonder Woman, you might actually cripple them in your rage and no one would blame you. If you were Superman… You would make sure not to leave a single mark on them, because you trust the justice system more than your own temper."

Xander paused and sighed. "But you aren't any of these people, you are The Flash and you are covered in the remains of Amy Jeffers, an eight-year-old girl who you know personally. You are The Flash!" Xander yells, causing everyone to back away from him. "Someone has taken one of your people from you and you feel a rage that would shake the very heavens themselves."

Half the robbers pointed their guns nervously in Xander's direction.

"But, then you realize… you can fix this, you can make the person who dared kill one of your precious children… go away. You can save little Amy Jeffers. So, you start running and time itself comes apart around you. You follow Bullseye's entire life in reverse, until the moment of conception and then you make one tiny little change, not hurting anyone, you have Amy's blood on your hands, you don't need anyone else's, and that tiny change prevents his parents from having sex that night so he's never conceived and little Amy is playing in the park once more," Xander finishes in a whisper that they all lean in to hear, despite desperately wanting to escape his story time.

"But that would cause a paradox!" someone exclaimed.

"I've studied The Flash's powers," Xander said with an exaggerated shiver, "he's partially immune to paradox, just like he can ignore friction and gravity. The Flash in the past would cease to be as soon as he made the change, squeezed by time until he popped like a bubble, only to reappear in the present as if the events did not occur, because for him they hadn't and with absolutely no memory of them."

One of the robbers whimpered, "What do we do?!"

"Relax," Xander ordered, "you haven't killed any women or children, I know because you still exist."

"Oh god!" another moaned before he started crying.

"Just drop your guns and immediately leave so you are in no way a threat to anyone The Flash cares about," Xander suggested.

"But what if we run into him?" one of the robbers begged while he removed anything that could remotely be considered a weapon and dropped them on the floor.

"Try not to shit yourself," Xander suggested, "then realize you have shit yourself and be happy about it, because you have to exist to do so."

Weapons and armor were quickly tossed to the floor.

Green Arrow stared at Flash in horror.

"Dude, I'd never…" Flash trailed off. "If time kept erasing me, how would I know?" he realized, feeling more than a little horrified himself.

Stripped down to their underwear, the robbers ran towards the sound of the police sirens outside the bank, several of them crying tears of joy at the thought of being arrested and being safely behind bars.

"I will never look at The Flash the same way again," one of the security guards muttered.

"What? Why?" Xander asked, pretending to be confused.

"The whole erasing people from time thing!" someone yelled.

"I made that up," Xander said, waving it off.

"Then why is The Flash's Rogue's gallery so nice?" a young man asked.

"Because The Flash is a super nice guy," Xander replied. "The Flash is so nice he tries his best to help his villains with their problems. His Rogue's Gallery, most supervillains in fact, have deep psychological issues that drive them to commit crimes, but exposure to The Flash has actually caused them to become better people."

"Then why hasn't exposure to Superman done the same to you?" one of the tellers asked as everyone straightened their clothes and checked each other to make sure they were unharmed.

"Who's to say it hasn't?" Xander replied with a shrug, as the police entered the bank to take statements and insure everyone was alright.

"Oh, thank god!" Green Arrow and Flash chorused.

"Even while being a good guy Lex Luthor is terrifying," Flash complained.

Chapter Text

Xander examined the partially destroyed armor that had been recovered from Epoch when he'd first faced the Justice League and pointed out the way they contrasted with similar armor from a villain that made a single appearance by the name of Kang, battling Epoch and seemingly being wiped from history just a few years past. "Look at the quantum variance. Epoch is from so far down the timestream it almost counts as an alternate reality while Kang reads as being from a different branch of creation altogether."

"Different branch of creation?" Dr. Lantall asked with a raised eyebrow.

Xander shrugged. "We are working so far in the dark that we might as well be poetically wrong rather than just plain incorrect."

Lantall snorted trying not to laugh as his belly shook like a bowl full of jelly, a fact Xander knew not to mention as he'd been warned that his fellow scientist hated being reminded that he looked just like Santa Claus in a labcoat.

"The readings are similar to a being from an anti-matter universe which he clearly was not," Xander explained, "and I don't have a clue or even the vaguest hint of how that is possible."

"Fair enough," Lantall said, "but we are supposed to be figuring out how they work, not where they are from."

"Yes, but by identifying that they are from completely different places we know not to assume we can figure out how one works from studying the other, not directly at least anyway," Xander explained.

"Directly?" Lantall asked and then answered his own question, "Of course, by learning more about the physics of time travel, by how each operates we can extrapolate what the function of each system does."

"It's so nice to be working with someone who gets it," Xander said. One of the many things he loved about being Lex Luthor was his improved intellect, but it was a bit of a downer not to have anyone to 'geek' out with. He had a brief hit of melancholy as he realized Willow must have felt like this all the time.

"But what about this subsection right here?" Lantall asked, pointing to a remarkably similar section on both sets of armor that had been more heavily armored than the rest of it.

"I'd noticed that as well," Xander agreed. "I thought it might be a recall beacon of some kind, but it lacks any way to send a signal that I can find. It simply takes in power, a lot of power."

"It generates a field," Lantall thought aloud.

"But what kind of field would two such dissimilar time travelers need, since it is clearly separate from their time travel systems?" Xander asked.

"It reminds me a little of our study of The Flash," Dr. Lantall noted. "The Flash is capable of generating a field that alters friction, so I'm guessing this field serves a similar function."

"Can I see the data on that?" he requested. "I need to lock down some data points so we can narrow the possibilities."

"You can access it from your terminal," Lantall assured him.

"I'd rather not go poking around in the system," Xander said. "The last thing I need is to make anyone paranoid about my reasons for being here."

"I can see your point," Lantall admitted, "I keep forgetting, because you are so different from how you've been painted in the media."

"We've all gotta grow up sometime," Xander replied as Dr. Lantall sent a file to his console.

"So, you consider your past actions to be juvenile," he asked curiously.

"Like a rebellious teen or a child being told he can't have ice cream for dinner and throwing a tantrum," Xander agreed as he examined the data.

Lantall chuckled, genuinely amused. "And yet you seem to act more childish now."

"Trying to be serious and mature all the time is a sure sign you aren't," Xander replied before wincing.

"What?" Dr. Lantall asked, quickly looking over the data Mr. Luthor had been accessing.

"The mathematical formula for the Speed Force just did a number on my brain," Xander explained.

"Mathematical formula?" the doctor asked excitedly, having been one of the scientists working on the formula himself and getting nowhere.

"I actually ran across it when I was a kid," Xander explained, "but I didn't get it until now. I thought it was gibberish, but that's not important, I've figured out another data point for you."

"Yes?" Lantall asked eagerly, reminding himself to stick to the task at hand.

"Yes," Xander agreed, "it's an isolation field."

"But what could they both be…" Dr. Lantall's voice trailed off as he had a eureka moment. "It's a paradox compensator."

Xander stopped rubbing his temples and quickly compared both sets of data on the gear they were scanning. "You're right, that's exactly what it is. The field would degrade quickly, but it would give them a small amount of time to make alterations to the timestream to prevent a paradox from wiping them out."

"More than that," Lantall said, doing some quick calculations, "It would shunt them to a timeline where they could continue existing if they failed."

"If we tried to duplicate it using today's technology it would be the size of a small car," Xander said thoughtfully before falling silent.

"What are you thinking?" Dr. Lantall asked, after a minute had passed and Luthor had reminded deep in thought.

"I'm thinking the Justice League could use it," Xander said. "Superman could probably whip something up of a small enough size to be useful for them if they had to deal with a time travel situation."

"Kryptonian technology is incredibly advanced," Dr. Lantall agreed with a sigh, knowing Superman refused to share any knowledge of it. "He could probably make it the size of a wristwatch."

"A butt plug would be better," Xander disagreed. "If everyone starts wearing some new shiny gizmo, our hypothetical time traveler would know exactly what to aim for to take them out, but if it was an item that wasn't visible…"

"That's… an excellent idea that I seriously doubt they would ever use," Dr. Lantall said honestly.

"Yeah, it may be best to have them start wearing something that it, or any other high-tech item they may need, could be shoved into now so their enemies couldn't tell they'd added to their costume."

"That's not a bad idea," Dr. Lantall said making a note on his computer.

"If you pass it on to The Flash, don't tell him it was from me," Xander said, "the League is still a bit touchy when it comes to me."

"Understandably," he pointed out.

"Very much so," Xander agreed, "but let's get back to why we're here. I think we've picked the low hanging fruit with the paradox compensator, now let's take a crack at their sensory suites. Kang's is toast, but Epoch's is mostly intact."

"Actually, I think we have more of Kang's than you think. While the control circuits may have been concentrated in his helm, the sensors themselves are more likely in the belt, possibly the boots as well, he is a big believer in backup systems."

Xander took a second look. "Good eyes," he said, pleased to be wrong.

Batman debated with himself, he could see the utility in the idea, as anything that destroyed that particular piece of equipment would almost certainly have killed the wearer as well, making it as well protected and hidden as was possible to be. But he was sure Clark would notice him wearing a butt plug and he'd never hear the end of it, besides his plethora of bat gadgets could easily hide any number of additional items and no one would notice unless he deliberately drew attention to it.

"While I wouldn't like to wear one unless it was vitally important, I can see the utility of the idea," Wonder Woman said, before taking a sip of her coffee. "After all, my armor has few places I could hide new additions without it being completely obvious."

Batman nodded, electing not to comment.

"Of course we could convince the League we were serious about the concept… before suggesting they add something to their costume to hold mission critical additions as needed," Wonder Woman considered with a grin.

Batman did not laugh, but he did nod and say thoughtfully, "It would be an excellent psychological tactic to get them to agree."

Wonder Woman's eyes danced as she considered how best to convince the rest of the League she was serious about the matter.

Batman turned to her. "Bat-butt plug," he said solemnly.

Wonder Woman burst out laughing until tears ran from her eyes.

Batman did not laugh, however he did smile, enjoying a small moment of levity.

Xander was just leaving Star Labs when Superman flew down to land in front of him.

"Superman?" Xander asked, wondering what he'd done to merit this visit.

"I've been told to give you this for saving Power Girl," Superman explained, reluctantly handing Xander a pie.

"And this upsets you?" Xander asked, confused.

Superman frowned. "I'm still not convinced you had nothing to do with it."

"Get Wonder Woman to use the Lasso of Truth on me," Xander said, "I'll answer mutually agreed upon questions in advance on this subject."

"You'd really allow that?" Superman asked, surprised.

"Don't expect it to be a regular thing whenever you get paranoid," Xander warned, "but this once, I'll allow it." He cut the pie into quarters. "Want a slice?"

Superman looked torn but nodded. "When should we do this?"

Xander swallowed a bite of pie. "Whenever you feel like. I'm free now."

Superman finished his piece and nodded. "Watchtower, two to transport."

In a flash of light, the two were teleported to the Watchtower.

Xander looked around, seeing that they'd teleported to the monitoring room and that Martian Manhunter was on shift.

"J'onn, please ask Wonder Woman to meet me in conference room four," Superman requested.

"She is currently pursuing Cheetah in Manhattan," Martian Manhunter replied. "I'll relay the message when she returns."

"I don't have anything planned," Xander reminded Superman, "I can hang around until she's ready."

"Thank you, I appreciate it," Superman said.

"Not a problem, I'd really like to get this matter cleared up," Xander assured him as they walked to the conference room.

The conference room was a good sized room dominated by the large table in the center of it and a large wall mounted flat screen that was most likely used for presentations.

"Satellite feed?" Xander asked hopefully.

"World wide," Superman agreed. "There are drinks in the mini fridge and a bathroom through that door over there."

"I'm good for about six hours," Xander said cheerfully. "Be sure to turn on any cameras you have in here, otherwise it'll make it harder for Batman to be sure I didn't creep off and do something and that would make a lot of work for him as he reviewed all the camera footage from all over the station just to be sure."

"You don't mind?" Superman asked even though he'd already planned to do so.

"It's kind of flattering to be considered such a high priority," Xander replied as he set the pie tin down and turned on the monitor, moving through the news until he found the world wide news.

"I'll try to make this quick," Superman promised, as the news showed a live report of Solomon Grundy attacking a lab that made artificial diamonds.

"Six hours," Xander reminded him, taking a seat and putting his feet up, his clothes morphing into Hugh Hefner's staple lounge wear.

Superman's comm beeped and he vanished in a blur of speed. Unsurprising he was on the news a minute later assisting Star Girl in taking down Grundy.

Two hours later…

Not able to find any of his favorite cartoons in the five thousand channels they had available, Xander decided to see what else he could do. "Computer, is a vistor's login available?"

"Visitor login available," the computer agreed aloud.

"New login: Luthor, Alexander," Xander ordered. "Password: Mr. Fantastic."

"Registered," the computer replied.

"… replacing all apes currently in zoos with animatronic duplicates while returning them to their native habitats would help restore their dwindling population and possibly reduce Gorilla Grodd's dislike of humanity. At the very least it would require him to import gorillas when he uses them in his ill-conceived plans, reducing his efficiency."

"… being a form of undead revenant of uncertain background makes finding his fetters, small items of emotional significance to the revenant, nearly impossible. Lacking any permanent way of returning him to the grave, it is suggested that exiling him to another planet or moon is the best way to deal with him at this time. Note: I would suggest against using any planet mankind is likely to colonize in the near future."

"… is currently inactive, however as the United States government has claimed salvage rights on his body, there is every possibility they will stick another brain inside it, probably of a psychotic mass murderer considering the usual level of competence found in government projects. The suggested course of action should he become active is exile to the moon with a satellite receiver, so the lack of human contact will not drive whoever is stuck in there further insane and he can be regularly given replacement chunks of Kryptonite to keep him powered, further reducing the amount in circulation."

Another 2 Hours later

Wonder Woman, Batman, and Superman entered the conference room only to find Lex Luthor had seemingly split into five people, each dressed different: American Indian, construction worker, sailor, policeman, and cowboy.

"It's fun to stay at the YMCA!" the five sang along with the music video playing on the monitor.

The three heroes simply stared, as even Batman was unprepared for this eventuality.

Xander quickly pulled himself back together and shut off the monitor. "Let's just pretend that didn't happen," he suggested. "Now, I understand you have some questions for me?"

Chapter Text

"Do you have the list of questions ready?" Xander asked.

"Here it is," Batman replied, passing it over.

Xander scanned the list. "Number one is useless, I bare some of the responsibility for creating Metallo, so of course the answer is yes."

Batman made a correction.

"I'm still indirectly responsible, since I'm the one who set him against Superman, and thus all Kryptonians," Xander pointed out.

Batman scratched the question off the list.

"The rest of the questions seem reasonable," Xander allowed, "but remember no asking me anything not on the list and that includes someone pulling a fast one and writing questions on it in invisible ink or questions composed of the words in the other questions rearranged to form a different question."

"That's twisted," Superman said, shaking his head.

"But a valid interpretation of the agreement," Batman allowed.

"You'll make sure they keep to the written questions and cover my mouth if any other questions are asked?" Xander asked Wonder Woman.

Wonder Woman wrapped her magic lasso around her hand. "I swear by Hera's name that if anyone asks any question you have not agreed to they shall feel my wrath." She was not about to trade questions with Luthor like she had with Mercy!

"Alright then, I'm ready," Xander said extending an arm for Wonder Woman to wrap her lasso around.

Once everything was ready, Batman picked up the list. "Why did you save Power Girl?" he asked.

"Because she was in trouble and I could help," Xander replied.

"Remove the lasso," Batman instructed Wonder Woman.

"But this is only the first question," Superman said

"Yes, but I'd like to modify the questions and I can't ask for his consent if he's under the lasso's influence," Batman replied.

"Can I ask if you had any ulterior motives and what would they be?" Batman asked. "That would eliminate several of the questions we have listed."

"Sure," Xander agreed with a nod.

Wonder Woman wrapped his hand with her magic lasso once more.

"Did you have any ulterior motives for rescuing Power Girl?" Batman asked.

"Sure," Xander agreed.

"Ah ha!" Superman exclaimed feeling justified in his suspicions, but all Xander did was chuckle.

"What were they?" Batman asked.

"Let's see… There is the natural male chauvinism on my part that says a man can't be a man if he stands by and allows a woman to be assaulted, there is also the little monkey hind-brain that says showing off will impress women and improve the chance of mating, there's a small selfish part that says I can show up Superman by doing what he can't. I've also got a bit of a belief in karma and by saving Power Girl, who will go on to save countless others, I'm doing far more good than I'd ever manage on my own and lowering my karmic debt. Also, I can't overlook that saving others will improve my own popularity and my opinion of myself."

The three stared for a second and then exchanged glances.

"Did you have any prior knowledge of Metallo's new weapon and where he acquired it from?" Batman asked.

"While reading a book on Celtic Demon summoning in high school, I came across a reference to 'The Fire of The Gods', which was just a fancy way of saying 'Living Flame'. They used a magical device called an alchemical furnace to turn the mana generated by magical items into Living Flame. The use of Kryptonite (which are just pieces of Krypton that radiate tainted mana) as a power source was rather ingenious, but as you saw it was in no way able to handle that amount of power," Xander explained, wistfully recalling all the research parties he attended.

Xander shook his head as the magic of the lasso encouraged him to continue. "Sorry, just got lost in thought for a moment. I'm not aware of where he got it from or even who could actually modify it for his use."

Batman nodded. "Did you know the weapon couldn't cause you any permanent harm?"

"Nope," Xander replied. "Being magic it could very well have killed me and I wouldn't have been surprised."

"I think that about covers everything," Superman said looking at Luthor like he'd never seen him before.

"Last question," Batman corrected holding up the list. "Do you have any plans for Power Girl?"

"Plans?" Xander asked himself, as the lasso guided him to the truth of the matter that he hadn't even consciously known. "I have no plans, just a lot of fantasies that I was not even aware of until this moment. Apparently, I have a weakness for blonde heroines."

Wonder Woman quickly put her lasso away before Luthor could start giving details.

"I feel better about giving you that pie now," Superman said.

"It was good pie, tell whoever baked it that they did a splendid job," Xander said.

"I will," the man of steel promised before extending his hand. "Thank you for saving my cousin."

Xander shook his hand. "It was my pleasure."

"I'll escort you to the teleporters," Wonder Woman offered.

"Thanks," Xander said, following her out of the conference room and into the hall. "By the way, how is Mercy doing?"

"Quite well," Wonder Woman replied. "The priestess of Athena has confirmed that she has the same blessings from the Gods that all Amazons carry and we may have determined who her mother was."

"Really?" Xander asked hopefully.

Wonder Woman smiled, pleased that he was showing concern for her new sister. "One of our fishing boats strayed outside of the boundaries of Themyscira and was caught in a storm a few decades ago. One of our sisters was lost overboard and thought to be dead, but from the looks of it, Persephone at least lived long enough to reach Gotham and birth a daughter."

"I really wish she could have reached a more… wholesome place," Xander said. "If she had, Mercy could have grown up with a mother."

"You think Gotham is at fault?" Wonder Woman asked, giving him a disbelieving look.

"Have you been there?" Xander asked. "It's like the city was designed to be the backdrop of every horror movie ever."

Wonder Woman smiled. "Better not let Batman hear you say that."

"The next time some alien shows up shrinking cities and trying to steal them, I'm going to 'accidentally' restore Gotham somewhere else," Xander said seriously.

"I don't think you can get away with something like that," Wonder Woman said, "too many people will be watching, like Batman."

"I'll bide my time," Xander said growing a goatee to stroke, "and when they least expect it… *BAM* the Bahamas gain a new island."

Wonder Woman burst out laughing.

"Yeah… That may be a bit much," Xander admitted. "Maybe Montana?"

"I would suggest somewhere warmer," Wonder Woman suggested. "How about Florida?"

"Too warm." Xander disagreed. "How about…"

In the Conference Room

"He really has changed," Superman said, still trying to wrap his head around the concept.

Batman meanwhile had been accessing the recordings in the conference room and had discovered Xander had accessed the computer system. "I'm still wondering what traumatic event occurred to cause that change and there is no guarantee that his change of heart is permanent."

"Yeah," Superman said perking up, before sighing. "It may be easier and less frustrating to deal with the old Lex, but everyone deserves the chance to change."

"Yes," Batman agreed absently as he read through the files Luthor had left for them to review. He tapped his com device. "Mr Terrific is Zatanna available for a consult?"

That evening

Ma smiled at seeing how their family had grown. Clark and Diana were sitting on either side of Lois… a bit of a surprise but a welcome one; she'd like to see some grandkids before she passed. Karen was sitting next to Kara, a little uncomfortable to be there, unused to family, but she'd adapt.

"So, how did he like the pie?" Ma Kent asked.

"He loved it," Clark said. "I was a little hesitant to give it to him, knowing him as I do and he knows me well enough to tell, so he volunteered to let Wonder Woman use her lasso to question him on the matter."

Everyone turned to look at him.

"Why did he save me?" Karen asked.

"Because you were in trouble and he could help," Clark replied. "He didn't even know if the flames would kill him as they turned out to be magical in nature."

"I feel better about sending him a pie now," Ma said with a kind smile.

"Could he have been lying?" Pa Kent said.

"No," Diana said shaking her head, "my lasso was forged by the gods and even they are forced to tell the truth while under its influence."

"Batman believes something traumatic has happened to change Luthor for the better," Clark explained, "and I think he's right."

"He's certainly more… humorous," Diana offered.

"He is at that," Clark agreed. "Flash has floated the theory that gaining Plastic Man's power may have something to do with that."

"But he is honest in turning over a new leaf?" Kara asked hopefully.

"It seems so," Clark agreed.

"Why so interested?" Lois asked curiously, sensing a story.

"No reason," Kara said quickly before turning to Karen. "So… going to marry him?"

It took a minute for the table to settle down enough for Karen to explain, "I was joking. I told Kara that since Lex saved my life, gave me a new outfit, and I didn't have to worry about hurting him that if he was still a decent guy after a year had passed I'd allow him to propose."

"Well you are his type," Diana offered.

"Magic lasso?" Karen asked, figuring it had somehow come up under questioning.

"It surprised him too," Clark offered.

"Regardless we rarely interact so I doubt him having good taste really changes anything," Karen said with a smirk.

Kara grinned, relieved her distraction has worked.

"Enough about work," Ma said Turing to Clark. "How did you three get together?"

"Well," Lois began, "it started with me discovering that one of my great-great-great grandmothers was Kryptonian."

This time, everyone stared at Lois.

"Did I forget to mention that?" Lois asked.

"Yes, but considering what was going on I can see how it slipped your mind," Clark replied.

"Well, as it turned out, my Kryptonian genes conflicted with yours so I had the computer search for a compatible gene set," Lois explained.

Ma Kent gave a happy little squeal

"That's what you were celebrating," Diana realized. She smiled. "I had just dealt with Poison Ivy, and that rather strange Dryad had covered me with pollen of some sort that I needed some help with."

"We got…. rather involved and found it agreeable," Clark said, trying not to blush.

"Very agreeable," Lois added with a smirk.

"What DNA did you use?" Kara asked, not wanting to contemplate her cousin's sex life.

"No Idea," Lois replied unconcerned, "it was discovered during one of Batman's cases and is from somewhere in time, probably the future, but it allows me to do this."

Lois stood up and split into three.

"I can do my job as a reporter," one said.

"And be a stay at home mom," the second added happily, making Ma Kent grin broadly.

"And paint," the third one added.

"That looks to be very useful," Pa Kent said with a smile.

"If you think three is useful…" Clark said with a grin before pulling out his cellphone. "Batman was kind enough to give me a copy from the Watchtower files.

He pushed a button and the sounds of the village people began to play…

Xander winced as another panel blew up in a shower of sparks. "They never show all the explosions an evil genius goes through when trying to invent something," he complained, before signaling for a couple of technicians to replace the board.

"Sir," one of the scientists said nervously, trying to catch his attention.

"Yes, what is it?" Xander asked distractedly.

"I believe the problem lies with the sensors, sir," she said nervously, well aware of her boss' temper. "It's too sensitive and is causing feedback."

Xander considered that for a moment. "You could be right. Set them to minimum sensitivity and adjust the targeting to… early to mid 1800s. I'm pretty sure there a lot less chronal intrusions in that time period. We can adjust sensitivity while slowly zeroing in on a chronal event for calibration."

"Right away, sir," she said, rushing off to make the necessary adjustments.

"It's a brilliant design, sir," another of the scientists said, attempting to suck up.

"Tony always was a genius at whatever he did," Xander agreed, "even becoming a time traveling ruler of all humanity while screwing with his past self to make sure he'd become him."

"Ruler of humanity?" the scientist asked confused.

"I stole the design from a time traveler from another Earth and modified it for my own use," Xander explained.

"So, we're working with stolen technology?" he asked, surprised that Luthor would admit such a thing.

"Pretty sure he wouldn't bother coming back a couple thousand years into the past of a foreign Earth to patent anything," Xander replied. "Stole just sounds more impressive than 'I examined the remains of his armor and memorizing the sections I could use'. Stole at least sounds a little exciting."

The scientist chuckled. "Stolen it is, sir."

Three Hours and many explosions later…

"Finally," Xander said as the machine hummed along, monitoring tachyon particle disruptions and absorbing an infinitesimal amount of chronal energy without causing an overload of the insanely sensitive sensors they were connected to. His fingers danced across the keyboard as he designed a program that would translate the incoming data into a visual format.

The image on the screen resolved into a blond man in buckskin breeches and a white shirt, wearing knee high teal boots and teal leather gauntlets, vanishing in a flash of lightning.

"The calibration isn't enough to pinpoint the date," a female scientist noted, "but a rough estimate puts it at late eighteen thirties to early eighteen forties."

"But what are we seeing?" another asked.

"Max Mercury," Xander replied, "AKA Windrunner. He's the first Flash and he just broke the time barrier."

"The rumors about The Flash are true?!" one of the scientists exclaimed in horror.

Chapter Text

Xander rolled his eyes. "The Flash is more likely to stop a speedster from messing with time than to do so himself. Anyway, unless you are a giant douche who screws with him you have nothing to worry about." 'How do these rumors get started?'

"That's a relief," the scientist replied.

Xander slowly adjusted the settings and allowed the machine to scan forward in time until it stopped at… Xander adjusted the settings carefully, noting a whiff of smoke from a nearby board… 1855!

The screen showed a figure stepping out of a hole in the air and although the figure was unfamiliar the symbol in the center of his metallic silver robes was not.

"That can't be superman," one of the scientists noted, "but he's wearing his shield."

Xander froze the display. "That's the symbol for the house of El, meaning this is one of Superman's relatives. Apparently, the portals they developed interfere in the normal dispersal of Tachyon particles. It's long been known that Kryptonians visited Earth before and somehow I'm not surprised I'd stumble across evidence of it."

Xander shut down the machine.

"Are we done for the day, sir?" she asked.

"Have a quick run through for damaged components, but be careful not to change the settings," Xander said. "After that… let's make it a four day weekend you all deserve it."

Seeing the looks in a couple of scientists' eyes he chuckled. "I'm not enforcing it. If you have some pet projects you are working on, feel free to concentrate on that instead if you like."

"Thank you, sir," several chorused before the group got to work.

Xander headed up to his office while he considered what to do next. He'd planned on using the viewer to solve some riddles, but it seemed to be limited to events involving time travel rather than wholesale scanning of the past as he'd planned, which really should have come as no surprise, considering where he'd gotten it from.

"Oh well, it's a start," he decided.

He nodded to his secretary as he entered his office and made a beeline for his desk. He scanned through a few dozen reports as he considered what to do.

Superman would no doubt love to watch what had happened through the time viewer, but the machine was expensive and touchy, so he could probably get his help on fixing that if he worded it right. Showing what he'd discovered was the right thing to do, but that didn't mean he couldn't use it to his own advantage as well.

Xander noted some irregularities in the financial reports for the lab that was studying ionic energy. Taking a closer look, he noted that they were going through lab equipment faster than projected as well.

He brought up the files on the lab personnel and started going through their background checks, looking for any personal tragedies or excessive spending.

This being the DC Universe he figured it was even odds to either be a criminal looking to gain powers or a hero looking for an origin story. He came across two possible suspects which complicated things, but cross checking addresses showed they shared a duplex so it'd be easy to find them both regardless of who was guilty.

Xander picked up the phone and called the Justice League. "Hello, Martian Manhunter? Of course I have the number, I'm powerful and rich. I'm calling because I've discovered a situation that one of you should handle before it blows up. I could always be wrong, but how likely is that? Listen, do you really want to ignore me and have yet another criminal with superpowers running around? Because they have been smuggling things out of the lab, it's all perfectly visible in the paperwork. He's fine. Listen, Captain Atom doesn't have to like me, he just has to like justice. I don't care if it sounds corny, just port him down to me so we can take care of this before there's a body count."

*Flash*

"What do you want, Luthor?" Captain Atom demanded.

"I've got a couple of junior researchers at least one of which has been stealing equipment from Lexcorp labs to create an Ionic empowerment device," Xander replied. "Not sure which one is the guilty party but they share a duplex so we can be sure where everything is, if not who stole it."

"If this is a trick-" Captain Atom began.

"How?" Luthor asked curiously, interrupting him before he could get going. "Seriously, how could this be a trick?"

"I'm sure you have something up your sleeve," Captain Atom said.

"Right," Xander said, not feeling like arguing with him. "Anyway, I have the address here, I figure we can investigate the matter quietly and-"

Captain Atom snatched up the paper. "One to port to 634 Crestwood drive, Metropolis," he said and vanished in a burst of light.

"Or we could just bull our way in and make a mess of things," Xander said with a sigh. He tapped the intercom. "Please prepare my helicopter for a quick trip. I'll be up there shortly."

"Sir, we are entering a hostile area," one of the pilots warned Xander, as flashes of light and rising smoke rose from a small duplex in the suburbs of Metropolis.

"I'll get out here," Xander said, letting the safety harness slide through his body. "I'll catch a taxi back, you boys be safe now."

"Yes sir," the two pilots chorused as Xander leapt out of the helicopter, his form flattening and shifting into a pterodactyl as he fell.

As he got closer, he saw that it appeared to be a three way battle between Captain Atom and two glowing figures. He circled above them watching as the three exchanged blasts of energy… to absolutely no effect. The two glowing figures had the same power set, so they simply absorbed the energy they sent at one another something Captain Atom was also adept at. Captain Atom was trying various different energy blasts, but the two simply channeled the energy around them, leaving them untouched.

After several minutes of watching the futile battle from above Xander swooped in for a landing, briefly distracting the three.

Xander shifted back into his now standard Lex with black hair shape. "Energy blasts don't work on the three of you, so all you're doing is scaring the neighbors."

"Luthor!" the male figure growled out and launched an energy blast at him.

"I'll take him, you grab her," Luthor ordered Captain Atom as the energy blast crackled along his skin but did nothing to his altered flesh. Ignoring the others, he leapt forward expanding and flattening his form until he engulfed the man in a wave of pink flesh.

Captain Atom flew forward and grabbed the female figure, easily restraining her. "Do you want me to knock you out?" he asked coldly, causing her to stop struggling though she started cursing in Cantonese.

Luthor reformed into himself with the male covered from the neck down in an oversized hand, keeping him pinned in place. "What happened?"

"No idea," Captain Atom admitted, "I showed up and boom."

"I couldn't let you keep me from bringing Luthor to justice," the man said, the glow slowly fading to reveal a young black man with icy blue eyes.

"You should have said something, I'd have helped," Captain Atom said.

"What?"

"If you have evidence of Luthor's wrongdoing I'd be happy to see him jailed," Captain Atom said.

"He would," Luthor assured the scientist. "So, what have I done now?"

"You killed my grandparents!"

Xander frowned. "Your grandparents died of cancer, according to the background check I ran."

"Which they got from the chemicals they were exposed to while working for you!" His eyes began to glow.

"Your grandparents never worked for me," Xander said. "Who told you they did?"

"They worked for Lexan chemicals for over twenty years!"

"And what does that have to do with me?" Xander asked confused.

"You owned Lexan chemicals!" The scientists form began to crackle with power. "Probably inherited it from your daddy!"

Xander ignored it. "Just because Lex is in the title doesn't mean I owned it and if you had bothered to do a little bit of research, you'd find I am the one who sued Lexan chemicals for the death of my parents, used the money to perform a hostile takeover, and then shut them down."

"What?" his glow faded once more.

"Lexan chemical tested a fire retardant coating on the apartment building that my father was the superintendent of, but it turns out they skimped on the testing and in the presence of several common household cleaners the coating changes from retardant to accelerant. Both my parents died in the resulting blaze."

"How did you survive?" Captain Atom asked.

"I was in Juvenile Hall for ruining a school bake sale," Xander admitted. "I got out to find both my parents were dead and I was an orphan. I spent the next year studying law and collecting evidence. When I turned sixteen I got myself declared an emancipated minor and sued Lexan corp. Using the money I got from the lawsuit I bought up the company, sold off all its assets and shut it down. I kinda liked the name and it gave me the idea of naming my own company after myself."

"But…" the scientists voice trailed off.

"It's all a matter of public record," Xander explained. "I was the owner for exactly three months as I shut it down."

"I thought you'd inherited it from your father," the scientist admitted.

"So?" Xander asked. "That still wouldn't make me responsible for his actions."

"Um… yeah," the scientist admitted awkwardly, "but you would have benefited-"

Xander dropped him. "You are a disgusting wretch of a person."

"How did you gain powers?" Captain Atom asked.

"I built an Ionic infusion chamber in the basement," the scientist explained. "We stole the parts from the lab and were planning on using it to bring Luthor to justice. We kinda panicked when you showed up and Talani set it off, irradiating us both."

"Actually, while you may have been in it for 'Justice' I'm pretty sure she was planning on selling rides in the chamber to criminals looking for a way to enhance themselves," Xander said.

"Yeah, I kinda figured that out," he said, glaring at her. "I was learning Cantonese to surprise you."

She turned her head and refused to speak.

"I'll notify the authorities," Captain Atom said.

"Waller can take her," Luthor said, "she'll fit right in with the assortment of criminals she has under her control, but you get to deal with Johnson."

"What?" Captain Atom and Johnson chorused.

"The last thing we need is yet another super powered criminal," Luthor said. "You get to teach him morals and how to be a decent person. If you sent him with Waller all he'd do is learn to be like the rest of them."

"I stole a lot of equipment," Johnson pointed out.

"Yes and I am refusing to press charges," Xander said.

"Why?"

"Because I dislike both of you and inflicting you on each other is well worth the money," Xander said. "Goodbye."

Xander pulled a cell phone out of his 'pocket'. "Yeah, it's me again," Xander said. "Captain Atom is cleaning it up now. It went about like you'd expect, he bulldozed his way in and now there are two more empowered people in the world. He's taking care of it now. I called to ask you to relay a message to Superman. I have found proof that one of his relatives visited Earth in the 1850's. I thought he might like to see it. Thank you, well I wouldn't object to being teleported back to my office. I had to send my people away for their own safety so I'm on foot."

Xander vanished in a flash of light.

"He's changed," Johnson said with a frown.

"It's probably a trick, this is Luthor," Captain Atom replied.

"Maybe," Johnson allowed. "Any way we can verify what he said about his parents?"

"Yeah, I'll introduce you to The Question," Captain Atom decided.

A section of the roof crashed to the ground behind them.

"My poor house," Johnson said with a sigh.

Power Girl ran her eyes over the lead shielded facility as she floated among the clouds. The place was closed down for an internal audit as Luthor did some restructuring, which made her job a lot easier. One of the members of the board had been supplementing his income by smuggling drugs using his position to facilitate matters and the shipping records she needed to prove it were inside. She landed at the door to the main entrance.

She frowned. "How do I get in without breaking anything? I need a key."

A blank key formed in her hand, a thin line connecting it to her suit.

"Worth a shot," she decided, inserting it in the lock and cautiously turning it. She was rewarded with a soft click that made her grin, appreciating the irony of using one of Lex's tools to break into a Lexcorp facility. Sneaking into the darkened building she scanned the directory for the records room.

*click*

The lights in the lobby came on as the security guard entered. Spotting Power Girl, the guard looked surprised for a moment before nodding politely at her. "Can I help you?"

"I was looking for where you keep your shipping records for this facility," she admitted, knowing she'd been caught red handed and not having a suitable excuse ready. She leaned forward, hoping to distract him.

"Day to Day records are kept on the third floor, but the main bulk of them are kept in a vault in the basement," he replied. "Do you want me to show you the way?" He barely kept his eyes on her face, strain as he did.

"I'd appreciate it," Power Girl said, surprised at his response. Despite what most people believed it usually took more than just a flash of cleavage to get people to cooperate she'd found.

"Right this way," he said, turning and striding off a bit stiffly.

Power Girl followed him, noting the way the lights turned on and off automatically as they walked. It took a few seconds before she noticed she wasn't hearing the softer sounds of his heartbeat or even their footsteps as she normally would.

'Glad this one's easy to manipulate, hope he's not the handsy type,' she thought to herself as she tried to figure out what was interfering with her hearing.

Supergirl burned off her leg hair, using mirrors to get the places she couldn't see directly. While being a Kryptonian, or Argosian for that matter, under a yellow sun was wonderful, it had its downsides, one of which was the speed your hair grew at, especially body hair.

'Karen isn't having this problem anymore thanks to Luthor,' Supergirl thought to herself. 'He managed to permanently remove her leg hairs in just a couple of minutes."

Xander looked around his office but couldn't figure out where the sense of impending doom was coming from. He brought up the security cameras and did a quick run through, but everything looked fine.

Xander went back to looking through LexCorp's current business strategies and products they weren't marketing.

A number of the strategies were borderline evil, but in line with the other multinationals so it was best not to alter them. Handicapping the company in the dog-eat-dog business world would cut into their profit margin and affect the job security of their employees.

Looking through all the technologies they were holding back he noted a few that could be released, in stages so as not to affect the market and sent an order to do a study on the best way to release them.

"I can see why Superman prefers to just fly around and punch people in the face, power is a pain when you have to use it responsibly," Xander complained.

*Tap*Tap*

Xander looked up and saw Superman hovering outside his window. He smiled. It was time to play in the lab!

Superman froze for a moment at Luthor's smile, unused to seeing a man who had often tried to kill him, and every other surviving member of his race, looking so happy to see him.

Xander opened the window, the wind roaring in before Superman entered and shut the window behind himself.

"I understand you had something to show me," Superman said.

"Yes, I developed a viewer that can view when time travelers enter and leave the time stream," Xander explained, "which also seems to catch people who use portal technology that interferes in the movement of tachyon particles."

"Portals?" Superman asked curiously recalling references to his grandfather having developed a technology that involved portals that the science council had banned and ordered all records of destroyed.

"Naturally you'll want to scan the equipment first," Xander said, "to make sure there's no tricks and it actually does what I say it does. Look for points of failure while you're doing that, so we don't have to replace boards every five minutes and if you see a way to improve it, let me know, but no adding Kryptonian tech to it, I want this to be something humans can expand on, not something beyond most scientists' comprehension."

Superman chuckled at Lex's enthusiasm. "I'll try to restrain myself."

"To the labs!" Xander cried out joyfully.

Chapter Text

Superman replaced two resistors and added three heat sinks. "It should be more stable now."

"And we're live," Xander said as he powered up the machine and the scene started to play.

"Jor-El," Superman said in wonder.

"Your father?" Xander asked.

"Grandfather," Superman replied. "My father was Jor-El the Second."

Jor-El used a device on his wrist to take on the appearance of an escaped slave that passed him on a nearby game trail.

"Probably not the best time or place to use that disguise," Xander said with a wince.

"At least it'll help muddy his trail and it's not like my grandfather has to fear any of the people that may be hunting him," Superman said.

"There is that," Xander agreed. The picture slowly dissolved into static. "We won't be able to follow him but we can catch him a little before he leaves, if you have a light enough touch on the controls."

"Watch me," Superman said with a grin as he slowly scanned forward in time and the scene faded in to show the 'escaped slave' clasping hands with a man that looked strangely familiar.

"He's a Kent," Luthor said, "look at the eyes and jaw."

"I… I think you're right," Superman said, surprised.

The unarmed Kent stumbled forward and blood came from his mouth. Jor-El looked down shocked and then angry. He turned to go after whoever had shot Mr. Kent, but Kent clutched his hand and said something, leaning heavily on him as his legs began to fail.

Jor-El lowered Mr. Kent to the ground and the two talked. Eventually Mr. Kent's breathing stopped and Jor-El closed his eyes.

Jor-El bowed his head for a moment and mouthed something, then he dropped the illusion that covered him and pulled a small white crystal capped on one end with the symbol of the house of El in black and gold, and touched the uncapped end to Mr. Kent's blood.

The crystal slowly turned blood red. Jor-El looked sadly at Mr. Kent's fallen form, placed the crystal back in his robe, opened the portal and left. The scene slowly dissolved into static.

"He could have saved him," Superman said, looking upset.

"What?" Xander asked confused.

"Jor-El could have saved Mr. Kent, but he didn't," the dark haired man said softly.

"No, if you were there, you could have, but he isn't you," Xander said.

This time it was Superman's turn to be confused. "What?"

"From what I've gleaned of Kryptonian culture, Jor-El was a scientist not a member of the military and only members of the military practiced regularly with the powers gained through yellow solar light. You are trained and could have saved him, Jor-El is not you."

"How about healing him?" Superman asked, looking a bit less upset. "Kryptonian technology could have healed him. It's programmed in!"

"It can now," Xander said going over the events in his mind, "but how much do you want to bet it couldn't back then? I doubt Jor-El had even seen a human before he came to Earth, Kryptonians weren't allowed to travel off planet. No, Jor-El took that sample and did his damndest to make sure Kryptonian tech could heal humans from that point on!"

"That would make sense," Superman conceded, looking thoughtful.

Xander tapped a few buttons and the recorded footage came back up. He hit a few more buttons and it focused in on Jor-El kneeling over Mr. Kent, the crystal in the center of the screen.

Xander looked at the two men and compared their jawlines and then at Superman. "You're a Kent."

"What?!" Superman backed away nervously.

"Look at the Kent jaw," Xander said. "You have the Kent jawline. Jor-El did more than just decode the human genome for use with Kryptonian tech. That crystal is the key."

Superman calmed down and focused on the crystal, expanding it on the screen. "It's… It's… I'll have to consult my records."

"No, I think I know what it is," Xander said. "Kryptonians made perfecting their DNA a racial goal. Jor-El was impressed enough with Mr. Kent's actions that he not only made it so that Kryptonian tech would work on humans, but he took the best traits of the Kent line and added them to his own. You Kal-El are a Kent!"

Superman collapsed into a chair, stunned speechless.

"Well, that is a load off my mind," Xander said with a smile.

"Pardon?" Superman said.

"Well, you're a Kent, all that crap I was worrying about, you taking over the world, being too good to be true? Ha! If you knew the Kents you'd know how ridiculous an idea that was. Hah!" Xander laughed.

"I… I'll have to run some tests," Superman said slowly.

"If you want I can figure out a low key way to introduce you," Xander offered. "Normally I'd just set up a press event and lure off Clark so you can meet him, but I know you two were rivals over Lois, so… maybe you should meet Martha and Jonathan Kent first."

"You know them?" Superman asked, playing dumb.

"We've run into each other before," Xander said. "Of course, I was a giant douche at the time, so naturally they hated me. They are great judges of character and you couldn't ask for better family."

"Yeah," Superman said, thinking of all the times he'd been hunting for his past when he was younger, only to return home and be welcomed with open arms.

"No one must know," Xander said seriously. He download all the data to a memory stick that he handed to Superman and started deleting all the footage from the labs computers. He sighed and deleted all the data on the project before he started taking apart the machine itself. "If anyone finds out it could put the Kents in danger. Don't even let the League know."

"This is out of character for you," Superman said. "Why the concern?"

"Can you keep a secret?" Xander asked.

"Of course," Superman said.

"I didn't have the best parents," Xander said, thinking about the parallels between himself and Lex. "My parents were alcoholics and my dad too free with his fists."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Superman said.

"Nothing I did mattered," Xander said as he thought about it and realized why he's jumped into demon fighting and why Lex had done all he'd done, both wanting to matter and show they weren't just someone that could be thrown away or ignored. "Get perfect grades, they don't notice. Fail, they don't notice. Steal a bunch of cakes from the school bake sale…"

Xander sighed, he and Lex had far too much in common. "The Kents… they love their son. Clark has all my envy when it comes to family. There are times I even imagined what it would be like to have them as my parents instead of the ones I had." Xander fell silent as he recalled the many times as a kid in Sunnydale he's fantasized growing up on the Kent farm.

Superman cleared his throat after a few seconds of silence.

Xander blinked and cleared his throat, embarrassed. "What I am saying is that it's important to me that no harm comes to them. I need to know people like that are out there. Do you understand?"

"I think so," Superman replied thoughtfully. "I swear to you, I will protect them with my life."

"Thanks, I appreciate it. Now if you'll excuse me I need to take this apart, it wasn't what I wanted and it's too dangerous to let anyone find out about."

"Have a nice day," Superman said before departing.

"You too," Xander replied as he increased his mass and split into half a dozen Lexs and began disassembling the machine.

Power Girl looked through the files, matching shipping dates and comparing weights.

"Let's cross reference that with who was on duty and bring up the footage…" Alan said, the security guard's fingers skipping across the keys. "Bingo."

Power Girl glanced over and the screen showed a worker transferring a crate to a cart and wheeling it off before the shipping container was processed by the shipping department.

He copied over a dozen similar scenes with the same worker over a period of months onto a flash drive. "And let's see if we can catch the handoff." He followed the worker on archival footage to the parking garage where he placed it in the trunk of a limo.

"Got any footage of the owner of the limo?" Power Girl asked.

Alan checked the departure time for Craig Johnson, the owner of the limo and brought up the footage, checking each one in turn. "No dice, looks like he simply left without checking each time. Let's see when he took his lunches."

"Bingo," Power Girl said, as the watched an older man check the trunk of his limo and remove a few small plastic baggies of white powder. The scene repeated regularly with a few even showing him snorting some of the powder off the trunk of the car before phoning for his driver.

"It seems to be limited to the two of them," Alan noted. "If not for the quantities I'd guess he was simply keeping himself supplied, but at the same time it seems a little low for a major operation."

"Not if the rest was uncut and he just had some ready for his personal use in the package to test the quality," Power Girl explained. 'I'm really surprised they did all this on camera."

"To be fair they avoided the cameras we have sitting out in the open for everyone to see, so they don't think to look for the cameras we have hidden," Alan said.

"That does sound like a Luthor thing to do," Power Girl said with a grin. "I hope this won't cause any trouble for you," she said, thinking of how Lex might respond to one of his guards assisting the League.

"Just a lot of additional paperwork," Alan replied. "Mr. Luthor does not look kindly on those that use company resources to commit crimes, so I may even get a cash reward."

"And having one of Lexcorp's guards help pin the guy will counteract any bad publicity," Power Girl said thoughtfully.

"If my immediate superior complains because I didn't include him I'll simply say you told me it was time sensitive and we had to move on it immediately, that is if you don't mind?" he asked.

"If you think it'll help," Power Girl said. "Now if you'll excuse me I have to drop some evidence off with the authorities."

"It was nice working with you," Alan said, "it you need any help you know where to find me."

"Patrolling?"

"Filling out paperwork," Alan replied with a grin.

Power Girl laughed and noticed the lack of echoes she'd normally hear once more. "I don't suppose you could tell me why my hearing is reduced to human levels in here?"

"Ultrasonic white noise generator," Alan replied and gestured to what she'd thought was a fire alarm. The guys in the labs developed them."

"They work surprisingly well," Power Girl said. "Well, I best get this taken care of, bye." She tapped her com and ported up to the Watchtower, appearing on the receiving platform and taking note of which heroes were present on duty.

"Flash, I've got all the evidence of a drug smuggling operation including shipping details and footage of everyone involved. Would you care to handle-" The Flash and the memory stick vanished.

"Off to shower then," Power Girl said, pleased to have that task done and turning to leave.

"Karen," Superman said, catching her attention. "I'm asking the entire family to the farm, I have an important announcement to make and I'd appreciate you coming."

"When?" she asked.

"Dinner," he replied. "See you there?"

"I'll be there," she promised, pleased to be included.

Superman nodded, smiling brightly before he left.

She made it to her quarters with no more interruptions and turned on the shower. "This has been a good day," she said, "it really only needs one more thing to be a great one, sadly I doubt I'm going to find a decent guy as tough as Kal in the next five minutes or an unbreakable sex… toy?"

She looked at what her cape had reformed into. "Worth a shot," she decided.

"What are you looking so smug about?" Kara asked Karen when she ported down to the Kent farm where Kara was brushing down the horses.

Karen looked around before morphing her clothes into more appropriate attire and answering, "Dismantled an entire drug smuggling operation with the help of a Lexcorp guard who was only too happy to let me in the records room."

"You loose woman you," Kara teased, "was he really that good?"

"What?" Karen said before she realized what Kara was saying. "No! He was a perfect gentleman and I'd break him if I tried anything like that anyway."

"Are you sure?" Supergirl asked. "You look really… relaxed." She smirked and gave the horse she'd been brushing a pat before putting the brushes away.

Karen rolled her eyes. "If you have to know, I finally found a sex toy that won't break. Now, can we get back to my amazing investigation skills?"

"Tell me where to find one for myself and I'll listen intently," Kara promised.

"Good luck with that," Karen said. "The suit I borrowed from Lex Luthor that can create all these items on command?" She stroked a sleeve of the flannel shirt she was wearing with a grin.

"It has settings for 'that'?" Kara asked in disbelief.

"It is the ultimate multi-tool," Karen said smugly, "and it bends, but doesn't break."

"I don't suppose…"

"I'm not sharing sex toys with you," Karen said firmly.

Kara sighed. "I guess that is a bit much. Ok, dazzle me with your brilliance."

"Well, using my multi-tool to form a key to the door, I snuck into the lobby of the Lexcorp facility in New Mexico as they were closed for the day."

"It's Lex's suit, of course it'd have all the keys for his properties," Kara realized with a grin.

"Bingo," Karen replied. "I'm just getting ready to hunt down the records room when the lights came on and a guard walks in."

"You didn't hear him coming?" Kara asked surprised.

"No," Karen said, leaning against the wall. "Turns out Lex developed an ultrasonic white noise generator that reduces our hearing to human levels."

"I so need one of those," Kara said seriously. "I hear far too much when I'm trying to sleep."

"Out here?" Karen asked looking around.

"Ma and Pa," Kara explained.

"Oh," Karen said wide eyed. "At their age?"

"Please don't ask for details," Kara said.

"Got ya," Karen said. "Back to my story. The guard greets me like I'm one of his co-workers and was happy to help me. He helped me locate the right records and gather all the evidence needed to put one of the board of directors away for a good long time."

"I hope he doesn't get in trouble," Kara said.

"I thought of that too," Karen said, "but he assured me that what we were doing was part of his job. Lex does not approve of drug smuggling I guess."

"Especially when they use his resources to do it," Kara said. "So did you just come by to shoot the shit or can you stay for dinner?"

"I'm actually here because I was invited to dinner," Karen replied. "Kal said he had some news to share with us."

Kara frowned. "He didn't mention anything to me."

"He knew you'd be here," she replied.

"That makes sense," Kara agreed.

"He seemed excited so I assume it's good news," Karen offered.

"Clark finds televised golf exciting," Kara said dryly, making Karen laugh.

"Well why don't we go in and find out?" Karen said.

"Fine, but if it's something boring you have to ask Lex for a suit for me and one of those ultrasonic things," Kara said.

Karen snorted. "Yeah, right. Ask him yourself."

"Maybe I will," Kara said, as they playfully pushed one another while heading in for dinner.

Chapter Text

The Kent's rapidly expanding family filled all the available chairs, making Ma and Pa smile as they waited for their son's announcement.

Clark stood up as Kara and Karen sat down. "Lex Luthor called me to visit his lab today," he began without preamble.

"He may have done our family a good turn lately, but I still don't trust him," Ma said, reaching over to squeeze Karen's hand, making her smile.

"Well he's done us another good turn, which I verified through the Fortress' records," Clark said, before setting a blue circular disk the size of a silver dollar on the table, "while he was developing a method to detect time travelers-"

"Like The Flash?" Lois demanded, eager for a scoop.

"Something like that," Clark said, giving Lois a look that told her what he was about to say was important to him personally. "He discovered something that I had to verify through the sealed records in the Fortress."

Lois nodded and settled back in her chair, putting aside her curiosity with a great deal of effort, which was visible to everyone at the table and caused Kara to giggle.

"My Grandfather developed a portal system and visited the Earth during the 1800's," Clark said, tapping the disc and causing it to light up.

Everyone fell silent as the scenes Luthor had captured were displayed holographically above the table.

Clark paused the recording when it showed Jor-El touching a crystal to the dead man's chest.

"That is Silas Kent," Clark said, "and my Grandfather Jor-El the first. His personal records show that he used Silas' blood to not only allow Kryptonian tech to heal humans, but to add the traits he felt were admirable to the El line. All of us at this table are Kents."

Ma laughed. "I could have told you that."

"And you have," Clark said. "I'm sorry it's taken me this long to listen."

Ma and Pa got up and gave their adopted son a hug.

"Does this mean Lex knows you're related to them?" Lois asked concerned.

Clark chuckled. "Considering he made me promise I would never let my enemies find out and that I would protect the Kents with my life, I'm going to assume so."

"He has to have some angle, but I can't think of what it is," Ma said shaking her head.

"I think he's being honest," Superman admitted. "Whatever trauma he's recently been through has caused a positive change in his personality."

"You've been wrong before, son," Pa said, "just be careful."

"I will," he promised.

"How can we be pureblood Kryptonians and human?" Karen asked curiously.

"Because we are engineered up the wazoo," Kara said with a grin. "Perfecting Kryptonian DNA to make the perfect being was the idea behind Krypton's expansion into the greater universe and the reason for its withdrawal," she explained. "Our DNA is composed of uncounted races, that's why we have so many powers."

"How did that make everyone retreat to Krypton?" Karen asked curiously.

"The council worried that too many changes too quickly could fracture our race and cause chaos, offering the fact that certain families couldn't have children with certain other families without technological assistance as proof," she explained. "So, everyone withdrew to spend a few decades working on correcting that problem."

"I've noticed," Lois said, splitting into three people. "I had a small amount of Kryptonian DNA that conflicted with Clark's that I had to correct."

"How far back?" Kara asked curiously.

"Around half a dozen generations," Lois replied. "I'm surprised no supermen showed up in my family history."

"There are gene sequences to prevent that in unplanned lines," Kara explained, "or were, as those sequences were removed upon everyone's return to Krypton."

"That explains some things," Lois said thoughtfully.

"I still say gaining Plastic Man's powers is what changed him," Kara teased Karen. "He seems to have a sense of humor now."

"The changes began before he gained Plas' powers, but I'm willing to bet they did have an effect on his personality," Clark agreed with a grin.

"Enough about Lex," Ma said, "let's eat."

"Good idea," Karen said, glad to change the subject, "I'm starving."

"Worked up an appetite, did you?" Kara asked innocently, making Karen blush.

Xander pondered what to do. His latest project had to be scrapped due to the very real possibility of time travelers going back in time and giving Lex's father a vasectomy. Xander wasn't sure what would happen to him if that occurred, but he doubted he'd like it.

Xander walked over to the window and looked down on Metropolis. The city looked beautiful at night, especially from this high up. He smiled and enjoyed the moment of peace and quiet as he considered how different this world was from the one he grew up in.

*CRACK*

The 'bullet proof' glass in front of Xander's face developed a small hole and his head snapped back knocking him to the floor.

Xander stood back up a moment later and pulled a Teflon coated slug from his nose. "Or, maybe not that different."

An alarm went off and several guards ran into the room.

"Stand down and keep away from the windows," Xander ordered them. "We have a snipe-"

*CRACK*

Xander stumbled back and pulled a bullet from his skull. "As I was saying, we have a snipe-"

*CRACK*CRACK*CRACK*

Several bullets pushed out of his left eye and fell to the floor.

"We have a snipe-"

*CRACK*CRACK*CRACK*CRACK*CRACK*

There was tinkling sound as numerous bullets bounced of each other on the carpet at his feet while his security team stared at him in shock.

"Ignore that," Xander said. "We have a snipe-"

*BRRAAPP*

Dozens of bullets impacted a massive hand that Xander blocked his head with. "Ha!"

"Orders, sir?" the head of the team requested.

"Try and find the sniper, but if he's in any sort of costume do not engage," Xander ordered. "All he can do is annoy me at this point and I don't need any of you getting killed, so he can feel good about what a badass he is. Verify and return, do not point any weapons at him."

Xander turned his back to the window and put his hands on his belt buckle, ignoring the occasional bullet. "Well? Get to it!"

Deadshot lay flat on the roof of a building a quarter mile away. "Come on, step over to the window," he muttered, as he stared at his target through his scope.

He had to wait until Luthor was within eighteen inches of the armored glass, because depending on the way the glass cracked it would change the trajectory of the bullet.

"Gotcha!" he said, squeezing the trigger, a pleased smile on his face as Luthor's head snapped back, but it quickly faded as Lex pulled the bullet from his face completely unharmed.

"What the fuck?!"

Deadshot took another shot, but while it caused his target to twitch it did little more. He calculated wind speed and set a three-round burst, but that was barely more effective than a single shot, he might as well have been shooting BBs for all the good they did.

He sent a fusillade of bullets at his target in frustration and paused in shock as he saw the response. "Plastic Man?" he guessed, having seen the annoying superhero in action before.

He switched to full auto to slow down the heroic shapeshifter and allow him time to make his escape. A quick glance at Luthor's office as he packed up his gear caused him to freeze. "Is he mooning me?!"

*BOOM*

Xander's body was blown across his office, his right arm and left leg below the knee going in separate directions as he slammed into the opposite wall and flattening like silly putty. He quickly reformed his body and sent out tendrils to reclaim his missing parts. "Ha, worth it!"

"Sir, are you okay?!" his secretary asked anxiously over the intercom.

Xander extended an arm across the room to hit the button on his desk. "I'm fine," he assured her. "Send a cleanup crew to fix my office and check with R and D about using force fields to reinforce the windows, please."

"I'll get right on it, sir," she replied.

"Thank you," Xander said, before walking around his office and extinguishing a number of small fires caused by what he assumed was either a LAW or a bazooka.

"I wonder why someone put a hit on me?" Xander wondered aloud.

"I'm curious as well," Wonder Woman said as she flew in the hole where his window used to be.

"Diana," Xander said politely, nodding his head.

She raised an eyebrow.

"You can call me Xander," he offered cheerfully.

"I was unaware we were on a first name basis," she said dryly as she looked around the office, taking in all the damage.

Xander shrugged and retrieved one of his toes from underneath his desk, reabsorbing it. "I could call you Miss Prince if you like."

Wonder Woman considered that for a moment. "Diana will do. What can you tell me about what has just occurred?"

"Well," Xander gathered his thoughts and pulled some shards of glass from the wall, "I was standing at the window, admiring the view, when a sniper shot me in the head. It didn't do much good, so he fired a number of rounds and finally used a rocket. I have security trying to find him, but I've ordered them not to engage; they aren't as durable as I am."

"I see," Wonder Woman said. "Any idea who might try to kill you?"

It was Xander's turn to raise an eyebrow and she flushed.

"Alright, that was a stupid question," she admitted.

"We should know who it was, if not why, in a few moments," Xander offered.

"That will be helpful," Wonder Woman said.

"How is Mercy?" Xander asked, hoping she'd have some information to share.

Wonder Woman was a bit surprised at his tone, despite her own thoughts on the relationship between the two, but she quickly hid it. "She's doing fine, some of the royal guards have taken her under their wing and are training her in our traditional weapons and tactics."

Xander smiled, a lump of worry he didn't even notice he'd been carrying in his chest dissolved. "I'm glad to hear that."

The intercom came on just as a pair of his guards returned to the office. "Mr Luthor, I have Mercy for you on line one, she says it's urgent."

Wonder Woman frowned.

"Patch her through!" Xander snapped out.

"Hey Boss," Mercy said, sounding faintly amused, the sound of a machine gun firing nearby drowning her out for a moment. "I've run into a little trouble over here," she repeated.

"That sounds like more than a little trouble," Xander said. "What can I do to help?"

"The Joker has taken offense at my 'flagrant copyright infringement' and I could use some help," Mercy admitted. There was a metallic ping and a grunt from her followed by an explosion. "Please tell me you have some assets in the area."

"The caliber of your jokes may be penetrating, but they lack the punch to take the line!" The joker's voice could be heard over the phone somewhere nearby.

Xander turned to Wonder Woman. "Would you mind stopping the Joker from killing Mercy?"

"How many Mercys do you have?" Wonder Woman asked confused.

Xander grinned, but was cut off by the sound of gunfire and Mercy snapping out, "If I hear one more fucking pun I swear to the heavens I will shoot him in the dick!"

Xander cleared his throat. "Two, I have two Mercys."

Wonder Woman nodded. "Mercy, what's your location?"

Xander turned to his guards as Wonder Woman talked to Mercy. "Did anyone get shot and did you find out who it was?"

"It was Deadshot, Sir," Johnson reported. "We reached the building just as he hit the street. I believe he was preparing to fire on us, but Craig waved and made a shooing motion… which caused him to pause long enough to see we weren't planning on delaying him and he departed."

"Good job Craig," Xander said, giving him a pleased nod as Wonder Woman vanished in a flash of light.

"Orders, Sir?" Johnson asked as the sounds of battle over the open line got louder and several more guards returned.

"You guys can stand down," Xander said, "Deadshot is a professional so he'll be checking with his employer to adjust his fee before making another attempt."

"Should we increase security?"

"Only if you're bored," Xander replied. "If you run across Deadshot, let him through, none of you have the equipment or training to stop him and I'm certainly not paying you enough to try."

One of the guards laughed for a second before trying to cover it with a cough.

Xander tapped the intercom. "Ready my helo, I think a trip to Gotham is in order."

"Right away, Sir," his secretary replied.

"Do you require an escort, Sir?" Johnson asked.

"No, all Deadshot can do is cost me money by destroying my surroundings, so rather than let him blow up my possessions… I think I'll go visit some competitors, like Waynetech instead," Xander said with a grin.

Chapter Text

"I really should look into getting a teleporter and a space station," Xander thought aloud as the jet assist kicked in, drowning out his voice and pushing him back into his seat.

Xander grinned. "Woo-hoo!" he yelled, knowing no one could hear him as the jet rocketeted towards Gotham. "I love being rich!"

It took a little under eight minutes to reach the outskirts of Gotham where they had to drop back into normal flight mode and Xander had grinned the entire time.

"We'll touch down in a little over twenty seconds, sir" the pilot announced.

"Just hover over the site," Xander ordered. "I'll just jump out."

"Yes, sir," the pilot said. "We'll be at the local LexCorp office if you need us."

"I appreciate it," Xander said sliding through his harness and opening the door. The wind and noise of the rotors drowned out any response they could have made as Xander leapt out of the helicopter.

He flattened his body, creating gliding surfaces between his arms and legs as he fell, catching the air and slowing his fall. The rising smoke from a burning car and the red and blue lights from the police cars made it easy to see where to go.

Several officers raised their weapons as he came in to land, but lowered them as his bat-like figure reformed into Lex Luthor.

"Luthor?" one of them asked cautiously.

"The one and only," Xander said, running his fingers through his thick black hair.

"I'm not so sure about that," the man said, gesturing to where a familiar looking bald figure in a white suit was talking to Mercy.

"Not something I expected to see," Xander said, before walking over to the two.

"Do you recall all the details of my evil plan?" 'Lex' asked, trying to sound casual.

Mercy's eyes flickered over to Xander for a moment before she said, "of course, Boss. What kind of Henchman would I be if I forgot that?"

Wonder Woman simply raised an eyebrow as she and a detective stood next to a cop car, The Joker grinning from the back seat as he watched Xander approach.

"Maybe you should repeat them back to me," 'Lex' suggested, "just to make sure you have them all down."

Xander stopped behind the fake Lex and curled the fingers on his right hand blowing into his thumb and causing it to double in size with each breath.

The Joker's smile got even wider.

*BAM*

Xander flattened the fake Lex into a pancake.

"Hey Plastic Man, how's it hanging?"

Plastic Man reformed into his normal self and shook off his dizziness. "Normally I'd say a little to the left. What are you doing here? Oh and good job with the mallet fist. Been watching Bugs Bunny?"

"It's a classic," Xander said, ignoring his questions. "Now, what's going on here?"

"CI registry number thirteen twelve, just after Gene Simmons," The Joker said firmly.

"You did an egg?" Xander asked surprised.

"Of course, I am a professional after all," The Joker replied.

"Oh," Plastic Man said, looking from Mercy to The Joker and back again.

Xander sighed. "Alright my bad, but this was completely unintentional, just so you know."

"What am I missing here?" the overweight detective asked.

"I had to use some of the Creeper's blood to wake Mercy from a coma and it contains the same chemicals that caused The Joker to get his signature look, so naturally, it had a similar effect on her. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, however The Joker, taking his craft seriously, has registered his look on the clown registry so no one else can use it," Xander explained.

"What's an egg got to do with it?" the detective asked.

A hollowed out egg is painted with the clown's signature look and kept on display in England," Xander explained.

"What does CI stand for?" Wonder Woman asked.

"Clown International," Plastic Man said. "Membership dues are due in April, which reminds me, I gotta mail them a check."

"You registered?" Xander asked.

"Two thousand eight hundred and two," Plastic Man said proudly.

"Traditional egg or ceramic?" The Joker asked curiously.

"I used my own flesh," Plastic Man said with a grin.

The Joker laughed while everyone except Luthor looked disturbed.

"That's a good way to make sure it never gets broken," Xander complimented him.

"I always knew you were a clown," the detective said.

"Mercy, I'm afraid you're going to have to come back to Metropolis so R&D can alter your hair and skin color," Xander said. "If I'd known The Joker had registered, I'd have had it done before you left."

"Not even a sort of evil plan, just a bit of accidental identity infringement?" Plastic Man asked.

"How many evil plans actually work out?" Xander asked. "I'm mostly just doing things to amuse myself now."

"By making Mercy into a Joker Look-alike?" Plastic Man asked.

"I told you, that was unintentional," Xander said. "I needed some of Creeper's blood to bring her out of a coma."

"I thought Mercy was an only child," Wonder Woman said. "If you like I can take you to your sister so you can learn of your heritage," she offered, wondering if Mercy was their middle names or if someone had given them the same first name, because they were obviously twins.

"I'm pretty sure I'm not an Amazon," Mercy said, "and I'm an only child."

Wonder Woman frowned.

"Mxyzptlk sent me to another universe where I discovered the local Lex Luthor had not done right by her," Xander explained. "Naturally I couldn't allow that to stand and as their Lex was already deceased all that was left to do was to bring Mercy back here and find a way to make up for my analogue's actions."

"I imaging that was pretty traumatic," Wonder Woman said, recalling the recent conversations about Luthor.

"You can say that again," Mercy said with a shudder.

"As an analogue of… our Mercy you would be an Amazon as well," Wonder Woman pointed out.

"It's possible but unlikely," Xander said, "there is a bit of a difference in appearance, small though it is. Multi-universal theory seems to work based on people rather than circumstances despite that making no sense."

"I wouldn't mind meeting my local self," Mercy said, not comfortable with the idea of returning to Lexcorp so soon.

"I can work on a 'cure' in your absence," Xander offered, easily reading her emotions from her unguarded body language.

"Yeah, that would work," Mercy said with a relieved smile.

"In that case," Xander said, morphing into an old-fashioned khaki safari outfit once more, "I can hunt down the creeper!"

"What?" Plastic Man asked, wondering what he'd missed.

"I need another vial of Creeper's blood to figure out how to fix Mercy in her absence," Xander explained, "and with The Joker locked up, he's probably going to be bored anyway."

"Or I could call him," Plastic Man offered.

"Where's the fun in that?" Xander asked, making The Joker burst out laughing.

"I'll call him," Wonder Woman decided.

"Must you take the fun out of it?" Xander asked with a groan. "Fine, just have the blood delivered to the lab in Metropolis. I have some business to attend to anyway."

"Are you sure you don't have any evil plans for me to foil?" Plastic Man begged.

"Bored?" Xander asked.

"Like you wouldn't believe," Plastic Man admitted.

"I'm being hunted by Deadshot, want to pretend to be me while I pretend to be you playing my bodyguard?" Xander asked.

"I'd seriously screw up any business deals," Plastic Man admitted, "I'm not exactly the best choice for a business bigwig."

"That's fine," Xander said, "have fun with the role."

"Can we stop and pick up a fluffy white cat?" Plastic Man asked excitedly.

Xander turned his left hand into a fluffy white cat and handed it off to him, regrowing his hand a moment later.

"I can't do that!" Plastic Man complained as they shifted into each other's forms. "How did you?"

"I've studied biology," 'Plastic Man' replied before posing with his hands on his hips a cape forming behind him and fluttering in a non-existent wind. "A hero must know many things."

'Lex' stroked the cat and smirked. "Come along minion, I have personal business to attend to."

"He really is different from the Lex I knew," Mercy said.

"He's different from the Lex we knew," Wonder Woman said.

"What happened to him?" Mercy asked.

"At a guess?" Wonder Woman replied as she considered what she'd recently heard. "Luthor went through some traumatic event where he witnessed the life of one of his analogues that made him doubt everything. From what I've heard… you'd know more about it then I would."

"Me?" Mercy asked surprised.

"Unless he's suddenly taken up visiting alternative realities as a hobby than the most likely cause for his change was visiting your world and learning what had happened to his local self and yourself," Wonder Woman said. "Would you consider the events you went through traumatic?"

"Yeah, they were something," Mercy said, watching the two shapeshifters round the corner and vanished from sight.

"One of the first things Luthor did was ask Superman for a favor," Wonder Woman said, "so he could request my help for his Mercy."

"He asked Superman for a favor?" she asked in disbelief.

"So, I don't need a successful deal, I just have to waste time and have fun with it?" 'Lex' asked just to be sure.

"That's right," 'Plastic Man' agreed. "We are trying to draw out Deadshot and the best way to do that is to make a spectacle. We'll reveal it was you pretending to be me later, so don't go too nuts, but be sure to have fun with it."

'Lex' grinned and grew a goatee and snidely whiplash mustache. "Who are we visiting first?"

"Wayne Enterprises is holding a charity auction," 'Plastic Man' said, "which means all the movers and shakers will be there. We schmooze a little, make some appointments for later and generally have a good time and be seen."

"Don't we need invitations?" 'Lex' asked.

"Nah, I'll just give them a load of money," 'Plastic Man' replied. "It's for charity so they'll let me in."

'Lex' stroked his fluffy white 'cat'. "Excellent. My evil plan is working perfectly!" He burst out in villainous laughter.

'Plastic Man' applauded. "That was perfect, you'll have to teach me how to do that."

"After the ball Cinder-fella," 'Lex' promised.

The two walked in silence for a few minutes.

"Who do you think is going to rob the place this time?" 'Plastic Man' asked.

"Normally I'd put my money on The Joker or Two-Face, but they're both in custody right now," 'Lex' said thoughtfully. "The Penguin?"

"He's trying to go straight… mostly," 'Plastic Man' said. "The Royal Flush Gang might give it a go, they seem like likely suspects."

"Tell you what, if they attack…" 'Lex's' voice trailed off.

"Yes?"

"I'll owe you a coke," 'Lex' said as snootily as possible.

"You're too kind to a simple working man such as myself," 'Plastic Man' replied affecting a Bronx accent. "Normally I'm lucky to get a bit of flat Pepsi from the bottom of the can."

"Stick with me kid and you'll go straight to the top!" 'Lex' declared.

'Plastic Man' grinned.

Half an hour later…

"And here is a big bag of cash," 'Lex' said gesturing to 'Plastic Man' who handed a large bag with a dollar sign on it to Bruce Wayne.

"This is amazingly generous," Bruce said, as dozens of the charity goers laughed at the iconic bag, normally only seen in cartoons.

"It's for orphans," 'Lex' said, "it'd take a harder heart than mine not to be moved by their plight, so I decided I simply had to take time out of my busy schedule and lend a hand."

"Well, I hope we aren't keeping you from anything important," Bruce said, as he passed the bag to one of the organizers.

'Lex' stroked his cat. "Well, I was planning on building a Moonbase, but I have to wait for the contractor's estimate anyway and they've already reported delays."

Laughter rang out.

"No, seriously," 'Lex' said, "they've threatened to unionize. I countered by threatening to space them, but as they've pointed out, I can't exactly do that before we build the base itself, so we're at an impasse."

The laughter got louder almost drowning out the sounds of breaking glass as gas grenades broke through the skylight and released a yellow gas that quickly filled the room.

The crowd screamed and started panicking as men in ragged brown outfits with straw sticking out of the openings and faces covered by rough cloth sacks with black twine and buttons creating rough features that made them all the more terrifying, rushed in.

Xander dropped his disguise. "Fear toxin! I'll protect the patrons, you take care of the thugs."

"On it," Plastic Man said, leaping into action, his form stretching and expanding as his fists shot across the room to knock several thugs unconscious. The fluffy white cat helped him by leaping on the faces of any thugs that tried to blindside him.

Xander corralled several of the richer patrons so they couldn't be used as hostages. "Calm down, Bruce, it's going to be okay," Xander assured him, forming a large hand to fan away the remaining gas.

"I've got to…" Bruce trailed off unable to think of a ready excuse while fighting off the effects of the fear toxin.

"Plastic Man has it all under control," Xander assured him, forcing himself not to smile.

The scarecrow ran past screaming like a baby with a white fluffy spider the size of a dog on his back.

"See? Everything is going to be just fine," Xander said cheerfully, backhanding a thug to the floor.

"I… I have to cower in terror?" Bruce offered, falling back into character as he saw that the engagement was just about over.

"Well you should have thought of that earlier, it's a bit late now," Xander joked as a fluffy white cat drug an unconscious Scarecrow back into the ballroom by his leg. "The gas seems to be wearing off."

"Right," Brice said, snatching a drink off the table and pretending to drink it to settle his nerves.

"I think that's all of them," Plastic Man said with a grin as he dropped the last thug on the pile and dusted off his hands.

The recovering Gothamites loudly applauded and cheered as staff quickly set the room to rights and passed out more champagne.

Plastic Man rejoined Lex as Bruce addressed the audience giving a speech that got a lot of laughs. "With the way these things get crashed you'd think they'd stop holding them."

"Or at least have better security," Xander agreed.

"Now what?"

"Wanna go gloat over our heroic actions to Bruce Wayne?" Xander asked.

"Yes, yes I do," Plastic Man said as he retrieved the fluffy white cat and stroked it with an evil grin.

"After saving his life he might actually deal favorably with his company," Xander said brightly.

"I wouldn't hold your breath," Plastic Man said.

"Pardon?" Xander feigned confusion.

"I mean, the board of directors for Waynetech handles that sort of thing," Plastic Man quickly said.

"I sometimes forget he's just a playboy and not anyone of note," Xander said with a sigh. "Well, no matter, let's bug him anyway."

A young couple, recovering from the gas, leaned against one another, huge smiles on their faces.

"I told you skydiving wouldn't be nearly as exciting as the ball," he told her.

"And you were right," she agreed. "Ten grand is a bit steep, but what a rush!"

Chapter Text

"Are you feeling better now?" Xander asked Bruce, acting overly solicitous. "I know attacks like this can upset the common man."

"That is true," Plastic Man agreed, not trying too hard to hide his amusement. "I was just talking to my old pal Green Arrow about it yesterday. You really should consider counseling, to help you deal with everything."

"It was just a brief scare," Bruce said forcing himself not to glare at Plastic Man. "I'm already feeling a hundred percent better."

"You can't be too careful when it comes to mental health," Xander said earnestly. "If you don't take care of these things they can fester and the next thing you know you're wearing a silly outfit and running around punching people." He turned to Plastic Man. "No offense."

"Some taken," Plastic Man said shaking his head. "Didn't you make yourself a set of power armor and try to punch out Supes?"

"Exactly," Xander said, "so I know what I'm talking about. And do you remember how it left my head all but unprotected? Talk about egotistical and idiotic."

"What was up with the cat?" Bruce was quick to change the subject.

"Fluffy?" Plastic Man asked innocently pushing the fluffy white 'cat' into Bruce's arms.

"I… saw him turn into a massive white spider," Bruce said, holding the cat out at arm's length trying to get one of them to take it.

"She does that sometimes," Lex said, folding his arms behind his back.

"I have noticed that," Plastic Man said turning to Xander and pretending he didn't notice Bruce trying to get him to take the cat back.

"I think she only does that when she's feeling threatened," Xander offered. "I have seen her turn into a python as well when her footing's unstable." Fluffy morphed into a large white python and wrapped itself around the obviously uncomfortable Bruce's shoulders.

"I think she wants to go into the hero business, but I can't sew the tiny mask right," Xander complained. "Well, I think our job here is done. Wanna hit the buffet on the way out? They have lobster."

"Do they have the little weenies on sticks as well?" Plastic Man asked hopefully as the two headed for the food, leaving Bruce to awkwardly try and unwind the large snake from around him.

"I think they do," Xander said as they grabbed some plates.

"But seriously," Plastic Man said as they loaded up on food, far enough away from the recovering patrons to have a private talk, "how do you do the animal thing? I mean I can do animals, but they'll still be my color and I can't split them off from me."

"Biology and chemistry," Xander replied, around a mouthful of shrimp. "You have to know how something is put together to make it believable and it really helps with the visualization. Chemistry lets you change your colors by altering the surface structure. Then again I could be full of it and I can just do it because I didn't know I couldn't do it until I'd already done it."

"And splitting them off?" Plastic Man asked curiously, making Xander pout for a moment at his not noticing his word play.

"You've had bits cut off before," Xander said, "it's just like that."

"It took a lot of force for that to happen," Plastic Man said, pausing to stuff the entire plate in his mouth at once, "I didn't just… un-attach it."

"That's easy," Xander said, "you just make the line attaching it to you really, really thin, so much that the weight of it snaps it, if you can't simply split it off by force of will."

"I… I could do that," Plastic Man said thoughtfully before removing a plate from his mouth. "So, you just take a limb and -"

"Umm… a little help here?" Bruce requested, having stumbled over to the buffet table, the snake almost half his size now.

"Fluffy heel!" Xander snapped out, causing the snake to slowly unwind itself from Bruce Wayne who wasn't entirely faking his relief. "Sorry about that, but Fluffy is a cuddler."

"I'm doing something wrong," Plastic Man said his right hand formed into a turtle in his characteristic red and yellow colors with goggles, but acting like a hand puppet rather than an actual turtle.

The white snake melted together and reformed into a little red-haired girl in a white pinafore with pigtails. "He doesn't like me," she said sadly, pointing at Bruce.

Xander scooped her up and rested her on his hip. "He just doesn't know you," he said stroking her hair while a number of young women nearby glared at Bruce who shifted nervously.

"What am I doing wrong here?" Plastic Man asked Xander as he tried to make the turtle move naturally.

"Daddy, can I have some ice cream?" Fluffy asked.

"Of course pumpkin," Xander said, pinching her cheek and making her giggle and hide her face against his shoulder.

"That is awesome," Plastic Man said, his hand reforming, as he watched Fluffy interact with Xander.

The pair ignored Bruce as a number of beautiful young socialites berated him for the way he'd treated Fluffy.

"Let's go get some ice cream and I'll explain there," Xander suggested.

"Ice cream!" Plastic Man and Fluffy exclaimed cheerfully.

One Taxi Ride Later…

"I thought we'd be going to Baskin Robbins," Plastic Man complained as Xander lead him into the Gotham Lex Corp's R&D facility.

"I'll order in," Xander replied, setting Fluffy down as he walked over to one of the workstations in the computer lab and activated a wall screen. "Now, let's start with the anatomy of a turtle!"

Xander started bringing up diagrams of turtle physiology and explaining how it all worked, only pausing to accept ice cream from some of the guards ten minutes later before jumping back into his lecture which Plastic Man did his best to understand finding it almost instinctive in some ways and actually interesting as he tried out various suggestions and form changes until finally…

Plastic Man stared at the red and yellow turtle on the end of his arm as it buried its face in a bowl of strawberry ice cream, animated and moving exactly as an actual turtle would. "I did it!"

"Now, thin out the connection to you until it breaks," Xander said.

"Umm," Plastic Man looked hesitant.

"What's wrong?" Xander asked.

"I've been split apart before and ended up with an evil twin," he admitted.

"Huh," Xander said thoughtfully as Plastic Man's turtle morphed back into a hand. "I don't have that problem… so it's probably a mental thing. How about you split in two as much as possible and we ask your evil twin some questions?"

"That's along the lines of holding a pogo stick next to a minefield and saying 'What could go wrong?" Plastic Man said.

"If he's evil I can bribe him," Xander offered.

"So that's your evil plan!" Plastic Man exclaimed. "You bring out the evil me and then… and then?" he asked curiously.

"No 'and then," Xander replied. "I can make more of me if I wanted someone to play an evil you. Now split apart and let's see what's going on with you."

Plastic Man frowned and considered the matter, glancing over where Fluffy was eating a huge bowl of strawberry ice cream. "Yeah, I can't see you actually needing an evil me for anything."

"If you don't want to, we can do something else, but I'd like to see what's going on with your 'evil' half. Plus, if we can solve the problem you'll be a much more effective hero and not have to deal with it anymore."

"Okay, you have a point there," Plastic Man admitted. He took a deep breath and slowly sprouted another head, his form growing and splitting as his torso split until the pair were only joined at the hip like Siamese twins but otherwise fully formed.

"And who's the evil one?" Xander asked.

"He is," they chorused, pointing at one another and then beginning to argue about it.

"Or neither of you is," Xander said, distracting them from the quarreling.

"What?" the two chorused.

"All the other times were traumatic and painful, right?" Xander asked.

"Boy howdy," the Plastic Man on the left agreed.

"Extremely," the Plastic Man on the right added.

"Well, this is neither painful nor traumatic," Xander pointed out. "Come to think of it… why haven't you removed your ability to feel pain?"

"Do what now?" the two chorused.

"Gotten rid of the pain center in your brain," Xander expanded.

"Not into self brain surgery, too risky," Left Plas said.

"Plus, with our luck it would grow back," Right Plas added.

Xander stared at them/him for a moment. "You do know we can completely control our body down to the molecular level and don't need our brain to think, right?"

"Now that's just crazy talk," Left Plas said, with Right nodding along.

Xander place his left hand on the counter and formed his right one into a meat cleaver, before the two could say anything he cut off his left hand. As the two stared in horror he pointed his left arm at them showing a smooth pink stump while the hand stood on its fingers and waved with its pointer finger. "I only recreate the biological functions I need." He picked up the hand and pressed it to his wrist, the flesh instantly rejoining.

"We can't do that," Right Plas said.

"Wish we could," Left Plast added wistfully.

"I have your power," Xander said, "if I can do it, you can do it."

"I… what?" Plastic Man asked, pulling himself back together.

"Okay, listen," Xander said, deciding to lay it all out on the table. "We are composed of a semi-fluidic substance that we can control on a molecular level. We don't have to eat, breathe… or any of the rest of the normal human biological processes. We don't even need a brain to think, we just need sufficient mass and we can pull a seemingly endless supply from some extra dimensional source. We are ageless and basically immortal, unless someone goes to insane lengths to actually kill us."

"We are insanely powerful," Plastic Man said with a full body shiver, in a way that only someone with flesh like rubber could do as he realized the full scope of their power.

"Yes," Xander agreed cheerfully.

"But… but I'm not supposed to be this powerful, I'm the comic relief guy!" Plastic Man exclaimed wide eyed.

"So?"

"It's too much," Plastic Man said shaking his head. "Power corrupts and I could do horrible things if I go bad. I don't need all of… this, it's too much!"

"Plas, listen," Xander said, trying to calm him down, "having power just means you have more options, that's all."

"Really?"

"Really," Xander assured him. "Superman has enormous amounts of power and barely uses a fraction of it most days and he hasn't turned evil. Sometimes to be… good all you have to do, is not do shitty things."

"I think I can handle that," Plastic Man said calming down.

"If I can make the effort not to be an asshole it should be a snap for you," Xander assured him.

"Yeah," Plastic Man said perking up. "If you can be less of an asshole anything is possible!" He froze as he realized what he'd said. "Umm, no offense."

"Some taken," Xander replied, but couldn't keep a straight face and burst out laughing a moment later.

"Man, you really have changed," Plastic Man said. "I mean, I have some doubts still, cause you are Luthor, but I'm a little less skeptical."

"And isn't that a glowing recommendation," Xander said. "I keep this up and Superman might even let me date his sister… in a thousand years or so."

Plastic Man burst out laughing, before shaking his head and looking thoughtful. "I need to sit down," he said, grabbing a chair and collapsing into it, his form melting all over it like the cheese on a grilled cheese sandwich.

"Feel better?" Xander asked.

"How sure are you about… this?" he asked, not answering his face slumped halfway down his chest.

"I've been set on fire by Metallo, frozen by Batman, beaten on by Captain Atom, let Mercy shoot me with various weapons for stress relief, and just recently I had a number of limbs blown off by Deadshot with a bazooka. I pulled myself back together in seconds without a hint of pain," Xander said seriously. "I have a solid grasp on our power set."

Plastic Man sat up straight, his flesh firming up. He laid his hand on the desk in front of him and stared at it. The skin slowly melted away revealing bone and muscle tissue, before that started melting away as well.

"Please tell me I didn't just cause you to have a psychotic break," Xander said nervously.

Plastic Man doesn't answer as his hand finished melting and then reformed instantly. "I believe you," he said with a slowly growing grin. "Now… how do I remove my ability to feel pain without screwing with the rest?"

Xander let out a relieved sigh. "How much do you know about the human body?"

"Enough to keep someone from dying in most situations, but I'm not a doctor."

"Alright, then we have a lot of studying to do."

Chapter Text

Lex Luthor scanned the area around him. There were children crying, people running around screaming, and a plethora of the strangest metas, many of them midgets, causing havoc. It was pure chaos! He slid a hand into his jacket and was thankful to find he had his favorite multitool on him, which gave him a measure of security.

"Xander! Xander!" a red haired girl in a very revealing outfit yelled, as she ran though several of the small metas without even noticing them.

"Just Lex or Mr. Luthor," he corrected her, deciding to be polite while he found out what was going on.

"Oh no, it got you too!" she exclaimed.

"What… got me?" he asked.

"Okay, listen carefully," the redhead said, "you are not who you think you are. Everyone's turned into their costumes. I dressed as a ghost and I turned into a ghost, see?" She waved her hand through his arm.

"You could be out of phase with the local reality or a computer generated hologram," he offered as he took a second look around and considered her words, "however, I can see some evidence that corroborates your story."

"Good," she said anxiously. "You are Alexander Harris, my best friend. I'm Willow Rosenberg. You go by Xander."

"Alright," Lex said carefully, wanting her to calm down so he could get additional information to confirm or deny her story. It certainly wouldn't be the first time he found his consciousness in another body thanks to someone else's scheme.

"We have to find Buffy, she'll know what to do," she said.

A scream broke out from a block or so away, by someone with really good lungs if Lex was to judge them.

"Buffy! Quick, we've got to save her!" Willow exclaimed before running off.

Lex followed her, easily keeping pace. While he doubted 'Buffy' would be much help, Miss Rosenberg was his only source of information at the moment and he was loathe to give that up.

A young lady who looked like she could have stepped off the cover of a vapid romance novel, much like the ones Mercy read and pretended not to like and he pretended not to know about, huddled against a tree being menaced by several small children in costumes, if Miss Rosenberg's information was accurate.

"Shoo! Shoo!" Willow yelled, running through the tiny monsters and sending them scurrying off.

"May I help you, Miss?" Luther asked, playing the role of concerned citizen. He found that if you said and did the right things, people were eager to believe you were whatever image you presented them with, regardless of any past evidence to the contrary.

"Oh, Good sir!" she exclaimed in relief, leaping to her feet and clutching his arm to her. "I don't know what has happened, I was at a ball and all was well when suddenly I'm here being menaced by monsters!"

He patted her arm. "Have no fear, Miss?"

This time Buffy was calm enough to catch the question. "Ah, I beg your pardon, good sir. I am Elizabeth Southerland, daughter of Duke Southerland, and whom might you be?"

"Well met my lady, I am Sir Alexander Luthor," he gave a regal nod of his head, "but you may call me Lex."

"A knight?" Elizabeth replied her eyes lighting up. "But where then is your armor?"

"Much like you I too was spirited away," Lex explained. "I was getting ready to retire after a meeting of clergymen and scholars when I found myself here. Fortunately I've yet to see anything I would consider worthy of suiting up for."

Willow stood open mouthed as Xander calmed and charmed Buffy. "We should get you guys someplace safe," she said once she'd recovered. "Buffy's house is nearby, we should go there."

"Once you are safe, we can see to fixing this," Lex assured her, taking Elizabeth's arm in his and following Willow.

"Thank you good sir, my father will reward you heavily for your service," Elizabeth said, greatly relieved.

"Kindness is it's own reward," Lex assured her, 'and a little kindness at the night time and place can yield a much richer reward,' he thought to himself. He doubted that was true in this case, but he didn't want to alienate his only source of information and Willow seemed to value this Elizabeth 'Buffy' so it behooved him to act as if he did as well.

Three blocks and two confrontations with tiny monsters later…

"Here we are," Willow said taking a key from under the mat and opening the front door of a house.

Lex raised an eyebrow, surprised that Willow could manipulate solid matter and removed hologram from the list of possibilities. Adding it to the other data points he'd collected, her story was sounding a lot more likely than any other theory he had at this time. From her actions he guessed she was unaware that she could manipulate solid objects and was just acting on reflex. He decided not to mention it, as the knowledge would either remove her ability, making her less effective or allow her to be much more dangerous than she was at present which would be a significant problem if they ended up working at cross purposes.

"That can't be me!" Elizabeth exclaimed as she looked at a framed picture of herself in shock.

"But it is you!" Willow proclaimed." You must remember!"

Lex broke out of his musing. "There is no reason you aren't both correct. If a wizard reached out into the… ether and brought our spirits into these bodies it would be far easier for him to exchange us with other analogs of ourselves than complete strangers," he suggested, trying to use terminology Elizabeth would understand and an explanation that would encourage Willow to think of him as her friend Xander.

"Other selves?" Elizabeth asked.

"The good lord created much more than just the one Earth," Lex explained, deciding to play upon her faith rather than try to explain the science behind it, "Buffy is the Elizabeth born on this Earth, one of the infinite number of Earths, where people made different choices, more choosing to be workmen than artists, so over time the world changed from what we knew into a place that valued material wealth rather than wealth of the soul."

Elizabeth paused and considered that, having no point of reference to connect it to so she could understand and unwilling to argue with a knight who was obviously her superior, she clung to what little she did comprehend. "The houses do all look much the same," she agreed.

"I hadn't thought of it that way," Willow said. "We do have a lot of artists, but the renaissance was much richer in artistic works."

A scream came from the outside and Willow's eye widened. "Cordelia!" she exclaimed, running through the front door.

"This should just take a second," Lex told Lady Elizabeth as he strode to the door, confident that Willow would have handled it as she had the last few confrontations, but making a token effort to preserve his appearance as a chivalrous knight.

He was surprised when he opened the door and was almost run over by a teenage girl in a cat outfit while Willow did her best to distract a Sasquatch like creature, who was half ignoring her as it chased the catgirl.

Lex reached into his jacket and pulled out his Vibrational Torsion device. It was a silver metallic cylinder about twice the size of a pen, it's smooth surface interrupted by sections of emerald crystal and varicolored crystal rings. A simple twist caused the head to open up into four sections, revealing a glowing green crystal.

The hairy creature collapsed instantly while Willow froze and shuddered for a moment.

Lex turned off his Vibrational Torsion device and slipped it back into his pocket. "Willow, are you alright?" he asked, trying to sound concerned even though he was positive it had done her no real harm. He made a mental check mark next to sonics as one of her weaknesses.

"I- I'm fine," she assured him as she got to her feet, her cheeks flushed and her knees feeling a bit weak.

"I can't believe I tore my outfit!" the catgirl complained. "Partytown isn't going to give me my deposit back after this!"

"If you guys are safe here, I can go tell Giles what's going on," Willow said, coming inside so Lex could close and lock the door.

"Who died and made you queen?" the catgirl demanded.

"Cordelia we don't have time to deal with you," Willow said, "there are children out there!"

Cordelia opened her mouth, but quickly shut it and just gave Willow a terse nod.

"I'm a ghost, nothing can touch me, so I can get to Giles in about ten minutes if I run," Willow planned aloud.

"Doesn't he have a phone?" Lex asked.

"Yes, but I can't dial right now," Willow replied.

"Tell me the number and I'll call," Lex suggested, repressing a sigh. Really, was a little logic too much to ask?

"That was a nightmare!" Buffy exclaimed, tearing the wig off her head.

"Listening to lady useless certainly was," Cordelia agreed with a smirk, still amused by Lex's reaction to watching a few episodes of the Justice League cartoon. She turned off the TV.

Lex reached up to scratch his head and felt latex. Peeling off the skullcap, he was pleasantly surprised to discover a full head of hair.

"My head hurts," complained a voice from the kitchen that everyone ignored.

"Looks like Dracula woke up," Cordelia told Angel only to find he was halfway across the room and holding Buffy's hands. "Hey, we were talking!" she complained.

Lex rubbed his temples, his head hurt and he wasn't sure what to believe. The cartoon he'd watched had shown the Justice League in a really favorable light, but the information it revealed… Everything fit together with what he knew all too well for him not to believe it.

"Xander, I'm talking to you," Cordelia repeated, breaking him from his thoughts.

"I'm sorry, what did you need?" Lex asked politely, reflexively keeping to the good natured businessman persona he'd been using.

"Are you OK?" Cordelia asked concerned for a moment before remembering herself. "I mean, what's wrong with you?"

Lex weighed the various possibilities in his head. This world, because it definitely wasn't his own, had a very negative view of him, however any attempts to pretend to be Xander was doomed to fail and alienate his current allies, and if this night was typical of this world he was going to need allies. He quickly made a decision.

"I… can't remember," he lied.

"Remember what?" she asked.

"Anything," he said flatly. "Who am I?"

"Please tell me you're joking," Cordelia begged, surprised to find the thought of a Xander not remembering her hurt.

"If you like," Lex replied, deciding that generally clueless and naive would work until he learned enough to craft a persona that would fit in with the current group.

"You really can't remember?" Cordelia asked.

"I remember my name," Lex offered. "I'm Alexander Harris but my friends call me Xander. Huh, I didn't remember that a second ago."

"Can someone untie me?" called out the voice in the kitchen.

"Did we kidnap someone?" Lex asked cautiously.

"He broke in and attacked us," Cordelia reminded him. "You knocked him out and tied him up."

"So, I kidnapped him," Lex said looking visibly uncomfortable.

"Self defense, he was high on something," Cordelia assured him.

"I have to pee!" the voice called out.

"Walk me home, Buffy and Angel can deal with him," Cordelia decided.

"Alright, but be sure to point out my house along the way," Lex replied.

Cordelia laughed and then stopped abruptly. "You're serious," she said. "You don't know where you live or what your family-" the brunette shut up and bit her lip. "You'll stay at my pool house," she told him.

"I will?" Lex asked, wondering what was wrong with Xander's family.

"Yes, you will," Cordelia said firmly. "Whatever's wrong, I'm sure Giles can fix it and in the meantime you'll stay at my place so you don't upset your parents."

"Alright," Lex said agreeably.

Lex looked around the pool house. While he was used to a much higher class of accommodations it would suffice for the moment.

"As long as you don't blare the stereo my parents shouldn't complain," Cordelia told him. She paused at the doorway, unsure of why she was being so helpful, but then memories of being strapped down to a gurney, about to be burned alive when Xander threw himself on top of her to protect her from the flames came to mind and she reminded herself that Chases always paid their debts. "I'll see you in the morning," she said firmly and quickly departed, feeling better about her actions.

"Thanks," Lex said as the door closed behind her. He found her behavior amusing and her form enticing, even if she was a bit too young for him.

He stopped in front of the full length mirror that was hanging on the back of the bedroom door and took a good look at himself. He had a full head of glorious hair, a… friendlier face, broader shoulders, and he was… young.

He spun around, seeing a flash of movement in the mirror, but there was no one there. Even though he was pretty sure he'd imagined it, he quickly searched the pool house for intruders.

"Must have been my imagination or possibly a figment of memory," he decided, as all he's really gotten was a glimpse of an old fashioned bowler hat.

Standing in front of the mirror he practiced the smile several times until it matched the one on the photo of Xander and his friends in his wallet. "Call me Xander," he said cheerfully.

Chapter Text

"How do you keep your clones from going rogue?" Plastic Man asked, gesturing to Fluffy who was working her way through her third gallon of ice cream.

"Going rogue?" Xander asked confused.

"You know, trying to take over your life," Plastic Man explained.

"How does your left hand not fight with your right?" Xander replied.

"What?" Plastic Man tilted his head until it was upside down, trying to figure out what Xander meant.

"All the pieces of me are me and I get their… my memories when we merge again, there is no them and me, there is just me."

"Huh," Plastic Man said thoughtfully. He grew a second head and slowly grew out a second body until he looked like a pair of Siamese twins once more. The heads nodded to one another and took a step apart, neatly separating themselves.

"See, that wasn't so hard-" Xander began.

The two Plastic Men laughed evilly interrupting whatever Xander was starting to say before chorusing, "And I evil Plastic…" their voices trailed off.

"You gotta plan which one is going to pretend to be evil before you pull the prank," Xander said with a grin.

"Yeah, my bad," they chorused.

"Look, unless you want to do everything in stereo, one of you has to decide to do something else," Xander said, "because both yous will do the same thing at the same time. I only split off bodies when I have stuff to do to avoid this problem."

Both Plastic Men clasped hands and flowed together, their form growing and then shrinking as they altered their mass.

"That was a lot easier than I thought," Plastic Man said with a smile that went from ear to ear.

"Keep it a secret," Xander said. "As long as no one knows you can do it, it's an ace you can pull out during emergencies and the League has lousy security so if they know the bad guys will find out too."

"That's… probably a good idea," Plastic Man admitted, "but won't it be obvious when you do it? I mean, we have the same powers."

"I always keep them connected physically, or make them smaller and act simpler," Xander explained. "Anyone who keeps track will assume I can do things by splitting my attention or making smaller less intelligent selves, not full doppelgangers."

"My smaller bits aren't as intelligent," Plastic Man pointed out.

"Yeah, bits that are forcibly removed tend to be simpler and don't realize they should increase their mass to regain full mental capacity. I think it has something to do with the shock of separation. I deliberately separated Fluffy and she seems fine."

"Fluffy, how smart are you?" Plastic Man asked.

"Can't talk, eating," she replied imitating Homer Simpson, her face smeared with Rocky Road ice cream, making Plastic Man laugh.

"Nearly as smart as I am," Xander offered as his smaller female self snickered.

"It's a good holdout power," Plastic Man said, "too bad I can only use it just the once before someone catches on."

"Not if you pretend to argue with the 'Evil' clone who you have to convince to cooperate, so no one thinks you'll risk it unless you have no choice," Fluffy suggested.

"Yeah," Plastic Man considered with a grin, "a little roleplay and I can get dozens of uses out of it before anyone catches wise."

"Got colors down?" Xander asked.

Plastic Man held up a hand and it slowly darkened to pitch black. "I can do really simple ones easily now. I'm going to have to study chemistry a bunch to get full use out of it, aren't I?"

"Definitely," Xander agreed. "Okay, one last thing and I am tapped out."

"Yeah?"

Fluffy hit a couple of buttons and half a dozen extremely simple designs appeared on the wall screen.

"Mechanical insects?" Plastic Man asked.

"Nanites," Xander said. "If you are ever turned to ash and scattered to the four corners of the globe you can pull yourself together a lot faster this way."

"Wouldn't that kill me?" Plastic Man asked.

"Maybe, maybe not," Xander said, "I believe in erring on the side of caution."

"They are simple and easy to memorize," Plastic Man noted paying close attention to their designs.

"Probably useful if you ever have to fight off nanites too," Xander noted.

"We are out of ice cream," Fluffy said before walking over to Xander and melting into him.

Xander burped loudly. "That was some good ice cream. Okay, let's track down Deadshot and find out who is trying to kill me."

"Think he's made it to Gotham yet?"

"Maybe," Xander said, "he's usually pretty cautious when extracting himself after a hit, but even taking that into account he should be well over halfway back to Gotham by now."

"How sure are you he won't just hang around Metropolis waiting for another shot at you?" Plastic Man asked.

"Very sure," Xander replied. "Not only have I been very visible in Gotham, but it's also where his weapon suppliers are, so he'll have to come back here regardless. He'll need some very exotic weapons to handle our power set after all."

"Freeze rays?" Plastic Man guessed.

"Victor Freeze is free and active," Xander said thoughtfully.

"So we find Victor and we can catch him with his pants down," Plastic Man said. "What have we got in the way of leads?"

"Ask Oracle," Xander said, thinking that she'd be able to track down any possible connections a lot faster than he would.

"Who?"

"There isn't a hero hacker called Oracle?" Xander asked hopefully, realizing that The Killing Joke may not have happened yet or at all in this universe.

"Not that I'm aware of," Plastic Man said. "Who is he?"

"She and I guess she only existed on the world with the Justice Lords," he said, making a note to keep close tabs on The Joker, just in case.

"Justice Lords?"

"Let me tell you a story…"

"Bad day, Master Bruce?" Alfred asked as he noted the frustration in Bruce's demeanor as he stripped off his tie and suit coat.

"I had to deal with being 'saved' by Plastic Man and protected by Lex Luthor," the younger man explained as he changed into his costume.

"They can be quite vexing, sir," Alfred offered. "I imagine Plastic Man enjoyed saving you far too much, but however did you find Luthor protecting you?"

"Scarecrow attacked the fund raiser," Batman replied as he checked his belt. "Deadshot has accepted a contract on Luthor and seems unaware of the recent changes he's gone through. Somehow Luthor has convinced Plastic Man to play bodyguard to him and the two have… hit it off."

"I find that hard to believe, sir,' Alfred said, "they'd make quite the odd couple."

"Luthor has gone through some rather extreme changes lately, including giving himself the same powers as Plastic Man," Batman explained. "They switched places at least once tonight and I didn't catch on until they'd changed back."

"Mr. O'Brian and Luthor?" Alfred asked in disbelief.

"I know," Batman said, "it seems almost impossible to believe."

"Quite," Alfred said shaking his head.

"Even while he was pretending to turn over a new leaf Luthor was always very conscious of maintaining a dignified appearance. This Luthor… simply doesn't care. I'm beginning to believe he may actually have changed or been replaced."

"Replaced, sir?"

"It's easier to believe than that he's actually changed," Batman admitted, "however all evidence points to him having had a change of heart."

"What if he has been replaced?" Alfred asked.

Batman chuckled. "Then whoever did it would have to know Lex better than he knew himself and they'd hardly have given it away by acting so out of character."

"Very good point, sir," Alfred conceded. "In the absences of evidence I suppose we'll just have to accept that Luthor… is insane."

"Pardon?" Batman asked surprised.

"The magnitude of the change combined with developing a sense of humor compatible with Mr. O'Brian seems like clear signs of derangement to me, Master Bruce," Alfred said dryly.

Batman coughed to cover a laugh. "I'll add it to his file," he said, his bad mood forgotten.

The Next Day

"I'm bored," Plastic Man whined. "When is Deadshot going to get here anyway?"

Xander shrugged and finished up some paperwork. "I don't exactly have a copy of his itinerary and he didn't call for an appointment, but if you're bored we can suit up and go beat up some criminals. This is Gotham, there's bound to be a bunch of them wandering around."

"Really, you mean it?" Plastic Man asked hopefully.

"Of course," Xander replied, his form shifting until he looked like a muscle bound hero with a ridiculously large chin in a blue skin tight outfit with two small antennae sticking off his head, "or my name isn't… The Tick!"

Plastic Man burst out laughing.

"You can be my sidekick, the slightly overweight, ex-accountant, wearing a white moth suit called… Arthur!"

Plastic Man grinned and started shifting, altering it to match Xander's suggestions while they talked.

"You'll have to pretend to be out of breath a lot and correct me when I call you a sidekick," Xander said. "This is going to be so much fun!"

"What are Arthur's powers anyway?" Plastic Man asked, before clearing his throat and trying to make his voice sound more reedy.

"The moth suit allows him to fly, but the flapping tends to tire him out," Xander said, "the only real power he has is common sense, which I will completely lack as The Tick."

"So, I'm the brains of the outfit?" Plastic Man asked amused.

"Completely," Xander said. "You should always be ready to call the police and duck behind me. Your battle cry is 'Not in the face! Not in the face!"

Plastic Man grinned widely. "You should join the League, none of the others are half as much fun on patrols."

Xander snorted. "I'm pretty sure they'd sooner vote for executing me than making me a member. Now, let's go spread the peanut butter of Justice on the bread of crime!"

Plastic Man laughed. "We are going to have so much fun!"

15 Minutes later

"Do you hear that chum?" The Tick questioned eagerly.

"A burglar alarm?" Arthur asked, leaning on his knees and puffing for breath.

"No! The siren call of goodness!" The Tick announced grandly. "There is evil abreast and we're going to trim its toe nails! To battle, chum! Spoon!" The Tick made a mighty leap, bounding forward nearly half a block.

"Oh boy," Arthur said nervously before leaping into the air and fluttering after him. "Wait for me!"

Despite his seemingly slower pace the two reached the warehouse where the alarm was blaring from at the same time. A broad shouldered, golden armored figure was exiting carrying a metal crate that it set down before it turned to face them.

The tick turned to Arthur to see what the more experienced crime fighter would suggest they do.

"Run away!" Plastic Man yelled as he dodged a heat blast from what appeared to be an Amazo android and dropped his Arthur disguise.

Xander regained his normal form and flipped a car onto its side for the two to duck behind. "What the nine hells is this?!" he exclaimed, not recognizing it.

"It looks like an Amazo android, but it's not just copying our powers," Plastic Man said as the car was shoved aside by a glowing green projection of a fist, "and it seems to have all the League's powers this time!"

Xander yanked the car back in front of them just in time for it to absorb a blast of freezing breath from the android. "Weaknesses?"

"It has no weaknesses!" a man in a gray suit cackled as he stepped out of the warehouse. "I modified the Amazo design to incorporate individual facets of the League's powers, so it wouldn't have their weaknesses! I've spent the last three months getting close to all the members of the league and ensuring it would have permanent copies!"

"Okay, the nutty professor has super hearing," Xander said, "great!"

"The original Amazo would copy anyone it was fighting, adding their powers to its own, but only able to use one set of powers at a time," Plastic Man explained before the android hit the frozen vehicle with its heat vision, melting the ice freezing it to the pavement and sending it flying with another glowing green fist. "We'll have to outthink it, it's not that smart!"

"I'm taped into my amazing androids senses, you can't hide from us, you can't out think us, you can't win!" the mad scientist crowed.

"How accurate is the copy?" Xander asked, the two diving to the sides as a sonic scream ripped up the street where they'd been standing.

"Near exact!" Plastic Man yelled as a sonic screech swept the area causing their flesh to shiver but doing no actual damage.

"Then I have an idea," Xander exclaimed. "Distract it!"

"Distract it?!" Plastic Man yelped and dove to the side, dodging madly as the android tried to tag him with its heat vision, as Canary's sonic scream proved ineffective. "How do I do that?!"

"Stand still and die!" the scientist ordered.

"No thanks," Plastic Man said as he bounced around, wondering where Lex had disappeared to, as he'd seemingly vanished, "I'm trying to quit."

"What?" the scientist asked confused before making a face and grabbing his rear with a squeal just before the androids stomach began to bulge obscenely and Xander exploded out of it, his form swelling to an impressive twelve feet.

The scientist passed out and Xander brushed the remains of the android off himself. The pieces quivered and tried to move, but were too far apart, they stilled as the light faded from the android's eyes.

"We won?" Plastic Man said, surprised and relieved. "How did we win? It normally takes half the league to take one of these down."

"Well, I guessed that since it was copying people it would leave entry points into its body like people would, so I shrunk down, climbed up its leg and…" Xander shrugged embarrassed.

"The guy controlling it was sharing its senses and he grabbed… Eww!"

"Well, it worked, didn't it?" Xander replied.

On a nearby rooftop

Deadshot looked at the freeze gun in his left hand and the heat ray in his right before glancing at the remains of the android scattered on the pavement below. He quickly holstered both weapons. "There's not enough money in the world to deal with that." He quickly turned and vanished into the building.

Chapter Text

Xander shifted back into The Tick. "Come on my faithful sidekick, evil is afoot we're going to trims its toenails!"

Plastic Man grinned and morphed into Arthur. "Partner Tick, partner," he corrected him firmly.

The sound of sirens cut off as a pair of patrol cars pulled up.

"We have to explain to the police what happened first," Arthur said, "otherwise they can't prosecute the villain."

"Good point, Arthur," The Tick agreed with a big smile. "Hey," he waved to catch the officer's attention as they were checking on the downed scientist and inspecting the break in point.

One of the officers cautiously approached. "Hero or villain?"

"Heroes, superheroes in fact," The Tick said proudly, posing with his hands on his hips. "Do the pose," he whispered to Arthur out of the side of his mouth.

"They don't want to see the pose," Arthur whispered back.

"Hello officer," Arthur said, stepping in front of The Tick. "The Tick and I heard the alarm going off and discovered an android had broken into the warehouse and was stealing a crate full of stuff under the direction of that man there."

"It was a fierce battle," The Tick said with a grin.

"Tick managed to destroy the android-" Arthur continued before being interrupted.

"With my pounding fists of Justice!" The Tick proclaimed proudly.

Arthur coughed to keep from laughing. "And the feedback knocked the controller unconscious," he finished managing to keep control.

"The debrief is done," The Tick said, "and the naked truth is revealed!" He tucked Arthur under his arm. "Justice Ho!" He crouched down and leapt, launching the pair into the sky leaving one very confused police office behind.

"This town just gets crazier and crazier."

Arthur collapsed against the roof laughing as soon as The Tick set him down. "Fists of Justice!" he choked out. "You fisted him!"

"To be a hero means you have to do things even when it's hard," The Tick declared proudly. "Sometimes you have to penetrate deep into the criminal underbelly. Sure, it's dark down there, and often moist and sweaty, but a hero has to do what a hero has to do!"

"Stop, you're killing me!" Arthur gasped out losing control of his form for a second as he shifted back into Plastic Man and had to shift back.

A scream rang out attracting the pair's attention.

"Spoon!" The Tick called out leaping towards the sound of trouble.

"Wait for me!" Arthur exclaimed, taking to the air as he chased after his partner.

"Thank you for doing this," Mercy said as they appeared on one of the beaches of the Amazon homeland. She blinked and shielded her eyes as they adapted to the noonday sun.

"It's no problem, I was planning on checking on how… the other Mercy was fitting in anyway," Wonder Woman assured her.

"You also put me up for the night and bought me lunch," Mercy said.

"The League pays for it, so it's hardly to my credit," Wonder Woman replied as she led her up the beach.

"Still, you didn't even use your lasso to insure it wasn't one of Lex's plots," Mercy said as she followed her. "I'm not used to this much trust from you guys. I guess my local self made a good impression?"

Wonder Woman forced herself not to blush as she recalled trading questions with the native Mercy who had turned out to be a sister amazon. "That she did." There was no way in Hades, Wonder Woman was going to trade questions with her again or her analogue!

"Diana, back so soon?" Hippolyta asked rhetorically as she met her half way up the beach with a couple of guards.

"Mother," she greeted her with a hug. "I have found another Mercy Graves, though this one is from another universe and does not believe she is an amazon."

"Making a collection of them?" she teased with a smile before turning to the green haired young woman. "I'm pleased to meet you, Mercy. I am Hippolyta, queen of the amazons and even if you find you yourself are not one, please consider the island your home while you are here."

Mercy gave a small bow. "Thank you, your majesty, I'm honored by your acceptance."

"Enough formality, let's go introduce you to your sister," the queen said, "I believe she's training with the royal guards right now."

"The queen set off following a cobblestone road into a city that had changed but little since it's construction many centuries ago.

Mercy marveled at the sights and smells of the city as they passed through it feeling like she'd stepped back in time, only without using a portal, which would have caused her hair to frizz, she was sure.

"It's so peaceful," she said.

"Most of the time," the queen agreed, amused as this had been her sister's response as well.

"I still remember the last time I saw Shara and Calyce get into a screaming match in the square," Wonder Woman said with a grin.

The women chuckled as they moved through the midafternoon crowd in the public square as everyone went about their day.

"They are a passionate couple," Hippolyta said, "and most of their arguments are just an excuse to make up later."

"I've met couples like that," Mercy said with a smile, remember a couple of nights in Gotham when she was younger.

"And here we are," Hippolyta said as they entered the training grounds and a tall red-haired Mercy was wrestling with a blonde haired guard, both covered in olive oil and nothing else. "I'll see you at home," she told her daughter. "Mercy, it was nice meeting you."

"And you as well."

"Ouch!" Mercy yelped and elbowed her opponent in the back of the head. "You bit my tit!"

"If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying!" her opponent said gaining a superior position and pinning her in place. "Yield!"

Mercy struggled for a few seconds then sighed. "Alright, you got me again."

The two untangled themselves and got to their feet, brushing the sand off.

"Mercy," Wonder Woman said as she approached with a paper white, green haired twin. "I'd like you to meet… Mercy."

The two Mercys stared at one another before the red haired one asked, "Did Lex finally give up on finding competent help and clone me as he always threatened to do?"

The green haired Mercy chuckled. "Your Lex used to threaten that too?"

"My Lex? Alternate reality?" she guessed.

"Very alternate," the green haired Mercy said.

"Artemis," the blonde-haired young woman introduced herself.

"Mercy," the green haired Mercy offered with a grin.

The red-haired Mercy laughed. "Let's find a place to sit down and compare worlds. I really want to know why you look like The Joker. In my world he's an insane clown themed villain."

"We've met," the green haired Mercy said dryly.

"Let's have lunch," Artemis suggested, "this sounds like a tale best told over strong drink."

"You've got that right," the green haired Mercy agreed as she followed them into a nearby building.

One long tale and several wineskins later…

"And then he sent Wonder Woman to rescue me," the green haired Mercy finished. "He's working on fixing my new look right now."

"Wow," the red-haired Mercy said, "that would explain why he was suddenly so… nice to me. I mean, the boss has never been mean intentionally, but he was suddenly… paying more attention to me and what I said, swallowing his pride and asking Superman for help. It was almost unbelievable, but if he had found you and had you tucked away somewhere, it makes a lot more sense. He gave me a weekend off just before the change… I guess it happened then."

"I look at him and I see my Lex… until he opens his mouth," the green haired Mercy said, "then I just wonder 'who is this guy?' and 'is he for real?"

"We could have Kree scry him and see what he's like in private," Artemis suggested.

"I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable spying on him that way," the red-haired Mercy said with a sigh.

"Well, you could just follow along and watch while I do it, to make sure I don't find out something about him I shouldn't," Artemis suggested with a smirk.

"Lex would agree to that logic," the green haired Mercy said thoughtfully.

"Works for me," the other Mercy said getting up. "Let's go protect his privacy by spying on him."

"Excellent, follow me," Artemis said.

"I have to go see my mother before I go back on duty," Wonder Woman said. "I'll let Lex know you're fitting in and enjoying yourself."

"Just don't mention the spying please," the Mercys chorused.

"Not unless he brings it up," Wonder Woman agreed.

"Grab some more wine before we go," Artemis said, "scrying is thirsty work."

"Dastardly villain, you'll not best me that easily," The Tick cried out as he headbutted Bane, stunning him for a moment.

"Stop that!" Arthur cried out, ducking an attempt by a blank faced man to put a top hat on his head as he dodged the arms of several other hat zombies.

"This would be a lot easier if you would just hold still," The Mad Hatter complained, directing more of his mind-controlled minions after the chubby hero.

"Never!" Arthur cried out diving underneath a car and vanishing.

The zombies tried to follow him and as each managed to get the top half of their body under the sedan they stopped for a moment and crawled back out, hatless.

"What happened?" one of the now hatless men asked looking around in confusion, not sure what was going on.

"Stop crawling under there!" The Hatter ordered. "And hat those people!"

"Run away!" Arthur yelled causing them to flee before they could be recaptured and added to the mind-controlled mob.

"Lucha Libre should be used for good, not evil!" The Tick complained as he gave Bane a noogie, ignoring the repeated blows to his stomach.

"Tick!" Arthur yelled, dodging a grabby little girl wearing torn jeans and a stained t-shirt as she tried to grapple with him.

"Do you need help?" The Tick asked, releasing Bane, who was rubbing at his head while looking around in confusion, before stopping and attacking The Tick once more, suplexing him backwards into the sidewalk while he was distracted.

"Ow!" The Tick complained as he pulled his head out of a hole in the cement.

"Tick!" Arthur yelped as he climbed on top of the car to escape a troop of mind-controlled girl scouts. "Take off his mask, what's controlling him must be in his mask." He yelped and climbed higher, as the paramilitary cookie dealers climbed onto the trunk of the car and he retreated to the roof.

"I can't remove his mask!" The Tick exclaimed horrified. "A Luchador's mask is sacred!"

Bane grabbed The Tick in a bear hug and tried to squeeze the life out of him.

"Well * yipe* then… Watch it sister!" Arthur dodged an attempted tackle by the girl scout assaulting him with her landing on top of the crowd of brainwashed Gothamites. "Your noogie disrupted his control! Tick! Noogie for Justice!"

"For Justice and Freedom!" The Tick growled out, slowly forcing Bane's arms apart and head butting him once more. Bane recovered quickly this time, but Tick had already gotten him in another headlock and was applying the mother of all noogies to him.

"Don't let him get away! Swarm him!" The Mad Hatter ordered.

Surrounded by mind-controlled preteens Arthur hit a button on his harness and his wings unfurled allowing him to quickly take to the sky.

"I cry foul!" The Mad Hatter exclaimed overtaken by anger and throwing down the remote he was using to control the crowd. "Rabbits can't fly!"

"I'm not a rabbit, I'm a moth!" Arthur yelled circling the grocery store parking lot.

"What? But…" The Mad Hatter trailed off as he saw the crowd was freed from his control and taking off the hats that had been handed out as bonuses for buying the local girl scout troop's cookies.

"Unhand me!" Bane growled out, trying to stop The Tick from rubbing a hole in his scalp.

The Tick released Bane and pulled himself upright. "Are you yourself again? Has the evil mind control been broken noble Luchador?"

Bane stopped as his memory of what had occurred came flooding back. He turned to The Mad Hatter, ready to take his anger out on him, but on seeing the small man being beaten by an angry group of girl scouts he decided to let it go. Nothing could hit a man's pride harder than being groin stomped by preteen girls. "Yes… I am myself once more," Bane said slowly, not feeling up to a fight at the moment. "And with… freedom restored to the people… I must away!"

Seeing Bane do a strange little dance before posing with his hands on his hips and vanishing into the shadows… Arthur fell out of the sky, laughing too hard to keep aloft.

The Tick smiled broadly, ignoring the sounds of violence and cries of mercy from the villain as he scooped up his sidekick. "Justice has been served with a side order of milk, but that's just the way the cookie of crime crumbles in… The City!"

Watching the heroes shift back into their normal selves and fall down laughing on a rooftop, the two Mercys shook their heads.

"He's lost his mind," they chorused.

"That's what crime fighting is like in Man's world?" Artemis asked in disbelief. "Princess Diana made it sound so… serious and noble."

Kree, the amazon priestess, burst out laughing causing the scrying pool to dissolve back into their own reflections. "Oh, Hera, these two know how to have fun. I had thought Man's world was a grim place bereft of humor after meeting the people the princess had brought here, but… I am going to keep an eye on those two. I haven't had a laugh like that in ages!"

"He looked like he was enjoying himself," the green haired Mercy told her sister.

"He did," she agreed with a frown.

"Jealous he wasn't having fun with you like that?" Artemis asked with a knowing look.

"No!" the pair exclaimed, before locking eyes with each other for a moment and sighing.

"This is going to be complicated, isn't it?" the red-haired Mercy asked.

The green haired Mercy snorted. "When has anything been simple with him?"

The pair sighed.

"I take odd days, you take even?" the red-haired Mercy suggested.

"He's not…" she trailed off. "Maybe," she said after a few seconds. "Unless of course he manages to collect another Mercy before we get back."

"Is that even possible?" Artemis asked curiously.

"Meh," Kree waved it off, "it's always better when women outnumber the males, keeps them out of trouble."

Artemis snickered, thinking about what she'd just seen. "Yeah, good luck with that."

Chapter Text

"That was the most fun I've ever had as a superhero," Plastic Man said. "It's hard to believe you're the same Lex Luthor we've been dealing with all these years."

"We all have to grow up sometime," Xander replied easily before collapsing into a chair with a smile.

"You seem to have gotten it backwards then," Plas said relaxing on the couch, "cause I swear you're an even bigger kid than I am!"

"My first childhood sucked, so I decided on a do-over," Xander said. "Besides, I'm immortal now, so really I'm just a baby immortal if you consider our lifespan."

"Huh," Plastic Man said thoughtfully, "but considering eternity is like… eternity, wouldn't that mean you are always a kid?"

"Now you're getting it," Xander said cheerfully.

Plastic Man facepalmed. "I wonder if this is how Batman feels when he deals with me."

Xander laughed. "Come on, do you really want me to be all serious and power hungry again?"

"Well, no," Plas admitted, "but… Wait, why am I arguing Batman's side of things?"

"Because you are used to arguing about not being childish so it's kind of a reflex," Xander guessed, "and since I'm not arguing against it…"

"I started arguing for it," Plas realized.

"The important thing is getting the job done, not how serious we look doing it," Xander said mock solemnly. "If a villain underestimates us, it's just another tool in our arsenal."

Plas grinned. "I am so using that on Batman next time."

"Try being serious during briefings and planning, it'll completely throw them off," Xander said with a grin. "Trust me, I know they need to be in the right frame of mind to work at their best, but you have to get the right balance."

"Teach your grandmother to suck eggs," Plas said with a snort. "But yeah, I may tend to overdo it… a tad."

A phone rang and Xander reached into his pocket and pulled it out. "Hello, Alexander Luthor speaking," he said in his best formal tone. "Oh, hey Floyd how's it hanging? Really! Well that's good to know. No, there was no real harm done so I won't hold any grudges. Thanks for letting me know. Bye."

"Deadshot?" Plas asked.

"Deadshot," Xander agreed putting away his phone. "He's decided not to fulfill the contract as the cost benefit ratio doesn't work in his favor."

"Did he say who hired him?" Plas asked.

"Floyd is a professional, he won't roll on his employers," Xander replied. "I doubt it was anyone important. Considering how much money he charges it was probably a business rival."

"That is usually how it goes," Plas agreed, "anyone else would have put on a costume and come after you personally in my experience."

"Maybe it was Bruce Wayne," Xander offered. "I know he likes to play the fop, but I've seen him negotiate some impressive deals while pretending to be hammered and he did act pretty strange when we were rescuing him, almost like he resented it."

Plastic Man froze for a moment as he tried to figure out a way to convince Lex not to investigate Bruce Wayne, because it would lead directly to Batman.

"Deadshot is even located in Gotham," Xander added, "it all fits!" He pretended not to notice the panic on Plas' face.

"Why don't we let The Justice League handle it!" Plastic Man blurted out. "I could get Superman to work on it. Think of the irony!"

Xander grinned. "I prefer to handle things myself but… I do like the irony. Okay, it's deal. You get Superman to solve it and I'll stay out of it. I do need to show him I trust him and this would help with that."

"Another good reason to let The League handle it," Plas said. "I'll go take care of that right now." He reached up and tapped his com, vanishing in a burst of light.

Xander snickered.

After a minute he looked around. "Well, I might as well go find something to work on."

One phone call later and he was flying back to Metropolis.

The next day

Xander hummed to himself as he checked the results of the latest test. It appeared to be effective, but further tests were warranted before they got close to human trials or would be if not for the fact that the genetic disorder was deadly in a very short period of time and it only affected one person out of several million.

"Luthor."

"Ack!" Xander jumped half a foot and grew three more arms to catch the test slide, pen, and petri dish he'd just dropped. "Superman," he said, "we really need to put a bell on you."

"I've been trying to get your attention for the last thirty seconds," Superman said, "what's absorbed your attention so thoroughly?"

"Use your microscopic vision and take a look," Xander replied. "I believe I've discovered a cure for Petterson syndrome." He placed everything back on the counter and reabsorbed the extra arms.

Superman focused his vision on the slides from several feet away. "It does appear to be a cure," he noted. "Why did you cure it?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Xander replied surprised that he would ask.

"I don't see how it benefits you," Superman replied honestly.

"I could win a Nobel Prize," Xander pointed out. "It provides good publicity as well." He shrugged. "There are any number of positive effects that could be possible, that's karma for you."

Superman nodded slowly. "I can agree with that, I'm just surprised that you do as well."

"I'd take offense, but I've been a complete asshole to you for a long time," Xander said. "So, what did you want to see me for?"

"I've discovered who was trying to kill you," Superman said.

"Already?" Xander asked, before continuing, "Was it Bruce Wayne? It was Bruce Wayne wasn't it? I always suspected he had a dark side, no one stays alive in Gotham and on top if they were truly as incompetent as he seems to be."

"Err, no. Do you recall a man by the name of Louis Ghen?" Superman asked.

"Vaguely," Xander said. "I believe I've run across the name, but I can't recall where."

"How about Ghen pharmaceuticals?"

"Probably one of the companies LexCorp either drove out of business or bought out," Xander guessed. "Was he the owner?"

"Yes, apparently his family business was bankrupted by your company. I have evidence of a smear campaign designed to drive down the price of their stock when they were on the edge of a breakthrough in several skin treatment methods that could be applied to a broad variety of problems," Superman said.

"The business world is so cutthroat, even I find some of the methods used to be distasteful," Xander said with a sigh. "I suppose I should have a talk with him."

"Have a talk with him?" Superman asked doubtfully.

"Yes, a number of problems can be solved by simply talking them out," Xander assured him. "The man ran a company, he didn't put on a costume and wage war on me like a nutcase. I'm pretty sure a little calm reasonable discussion will clear the air."

"He hired someone in a costume to kill you."

"Which is a pretty rational response when faced with a great injustice that you can't solve legally," Xander explained. "Sometimes you have to break the law when it's unjust. The law doesn't tell you if something is right, just that it's legal."

Superman just stared at Lex unable to think of a thing to say.

"Take me to him," Xander said, "we can have this entire thing solved before lunch without the police needing to be involved."

"Having someone assassinated is a crime," Superman said.

"Do you fight for the legal system or for justice?" Xander asked.

"Justice," Superman replied easily.

"Considering the kind of person I was, assassinating me was a reasonable response if you wanted justice," Xander said. "And I refuse to press charges."

"Attempted murder is prosecuted by the state not the individual," Superman pointed out, finding it hard to argue against what Luthor was saying.

"That is to avoid people pressuring the target not to press charges, which is not the case here," Xander said. "I am in no way feeling pressured to not press charges."

"That is true," Superman admitted.

"The prison system was designed to keep people from re-offending," Xander said, "if I talk to him and he agrees not to try to kill me again, putting him in prison would simply be a waste of taxpayer funds, which are better served feeding the poor and housing the homeless."

"I'll… wait until you've talked things out to make a decision," Superman allowed after a little thought.

Xander sprouted a handle on the top of his head. "I'm ready, let's go."

Superman just stared at him.

"Would you rather carry me bridal style?" Xander asked.

"Good point," Superman said floating up off the floor and grabbing the handle, before using a teleporter to transport them into the air above a closed down lab.

"You could have just placed a hand on my shoulder and had them teleport us here," Xander realized.

"Yes I could," Superman agreed with a smirk.

Xander laughed. "A prank for a prank, I got ya."

They landed in front of the main building and Superman released the handle which Lex reabsorbed. "I may not be a prankster like Plastic Man and The Flash, but I do have a sense of humor."

"Good to know," Xander said opening the front door and entering the lobby. "So, where are they?" He noted the dust and general neglect the building was suffering from.

"Conference room," Superman said taking the lead.

Xander followed Superman who lead him to a conference room which was filled with eight people and had a whiteboard with 'Kill Luthor' written across the top of it. The name Deadshot was crossed off and Slade Wilson written in below with cost and a minus sign written in red.

Superman turned to Luthor and raised an eyebrow.

Xander shrugged. "Let's at least talk to them first." He turned to the group of people who were sitting there shocked into silence. "Hi, I'm Lex Luthor and while I'm sure you have a perfectly legitimate reason to kill me, Superman would like to hear what it is."

A man in his late twenties stood up and pushed back his dark hair nervously. "You drove my company out of business, smearing our name, not to mention the threats and harassment," he said, his voice getting firmer as he talked. "And it wasn't just limited to those of us who worked here. My twelve year old daughter ended up with a broken arm and Sara's son lost his sight!"

"But I've never met you," Xander said, "why go after me? This is the kind of thing you report to the police. Hell, if you didn't think the police would do their job, you contact the Justice League!" Xander was beginning to get angry, not at the victims but at whoever had orchestrated this whole event, because this was not something even Lex would have allowed.

"The police couldn't find any links and this wasn't exactly the type of thing superheroes handle," the man said with a heavy sigh.

"Yes it is," Xander disagreed, "just the fact that LexCorp alone was involved would have grabbed Superman's attention. Foiling one of my plots gives him wood!"

Superman facepalmed behind Lex.

"Listen, crimes the police can't handle, especially ones involving children, always, always, always get a response! At the very least The Question would have shown up and put his foot in the ass of the person responsible! Now, why did you think I was personally involved? Because I can't see this level of effort being put forth towards me unless you had a reason to believe I was."

"Johnson, Craig Johnson," Ghen said. "He said you had personally authorized him to do whatever was necessary to shut us down."

"Never met the man, and just recently I discovered he was smuggling drugs," Xander replied. "I made sure he was prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law."

"So, we did all this…" his voice trailed off and he fell into his seat.

"Wrong target," Xander agreed. "But take heart, the man responsible for everything is spending the next couple of decades doing hard time and for the cost of a pack of cigarettes, you can make him have a really bad day."

"Luthor," Superman chastised him.

"He injured children," Xander reminded him. "Having someone beat him occasionally and explain why he was being beaten, should train him not to."

"We've wasted all this time and money trying to get justice against the wrong person… and now we're going to jail," a woman said softly.

"Nah," Xander waved it off. "Superman is all about justice and I don't believe justice would be served by locking up people trying to kill me."

"I'm still not sure," Superman admitted, conflicted about the whole situation.

"Listen," Xander said, "do you charge everyone who shoots you with attempted murder?"

"Well… no," he admitted.

"Shooting me is harmless," Xander said.

"Which they didn't know," Superman pointed out.

"No, they just thought I'd harmed their children and they had no other way to stop me," Xander said. "Can you really blame them for that? For god's sake man, one of their children got blinded!"

Superman sighed. "Alright, I can see the reason behind it and I have to agree, justice would not be served by putting them in prison."

"Good," Xander said relaxing. He turned to the group. "Contact my office and I'll see about getting you up and running as a LexCorp subsidiary. I can't fully undo what Johnson did, but I can at least try and make up for it."

"That… is very generous," Ghen said as he looked at Luthor, clearly confused.

"Really?" Xander asked. "You were on the edge of a major breakthrough with some of my scientists working on it with you I've just guaranteed we would both profit. That's not generous that's just good business. Make sure when you get the subsidiary contract you have it gone over by a competent lawyer and reject the first two offers. Remind them that I personally visited you to discuss the matter, that should get you an extra five percent in profits and minimize the legal traps."

"We will," Ghen agreed.

"And… erase the whiteboard and try not to let word get out you were trying to assassinate me, it won't help your bargaining position." Xander turned back to Superman. "Can I get a lift back to the lab?"

"Sure," Superman said, placing a hand on his shoulder and taping his com.

After the two had vanished Ghen said, "I did not expect things to end this way."

"Neither did I," Sheila said leaning back in her chair, "and I'm not sure which part was more shocking, Luthor and Superman getting along or Luthor arguing for leniency."

"Let's all just relax, take a deep breath and consider our options," the former head of security said. "Since we aren't paying anymore assassins, we aren't currently strapped for money so while you guys work on figuring out the business side of things I'll need twenty from each of you."

"For lunch?" the former head of marketing asked as she dug in her purse.

"No, cigarettes," he replied with a grin.

"Thanks," Xander said as he pulled out his phone and called the head of human resources. "Hey, Jamie this is Lex. I need a team to go over everything Craig Johnson worked on while he was with LexCorp. I need to know every time he crossed the line and what the effects were. We need to do some serious damage control. Also contact security and let them know they can stand down, the assassin situation has been resolved. Thanks, you're a doll."

Superman frowned. "Luthor, I find myself conflicted."

"How so?" Xander asked, putting away his phone.

"I find myself wanting to trust you," Superman admitted, "but every time I have before I've gotten burned."

Xander nodded. "There's a simple solution to that, don't trust me. Every single time I've done the 'Turn over a new leaf' act I've only been able to betray you because you've trusted me, so don't."

"That's logical," Superman agreed, "but not exactly something I'm comfortable doing, it's against my nature."

"Ask Batman, paranoia is his superpower," Xander suggested.

Superman forced himself not to laugh. "I'll take it under advisement," he said, before quickly teleporting out.

"Okay," Xander said turning back to his work, "what next?"

Supergirl examined her legs, frowning as she found a few errant hairs she'd missed and zapping them with her heat vision, wincing at the resulting pain.

'Lex has three things I want, ultrasonic white noise generators, shifting clothing that double as… a multi-tool, and permanent hair removal,' she listed off mentally while drumming her fingers on the boulder she was sitting on.

"What's got you so distracted?" Powergirl asked.

"Ack!" Supergirl leapt a hundred feet straight up before recovering and dropping back down. "You scared the heck out of me!"

"I know," Powergirl replied amused, "hence the comment about you being distracted."

"Oh," Kara said. "I was just… plotting."

"Plotting?" Karen asked curiously.

"Yes, plotting," Kara replied. "Lex has three things I want."

"Most men only have one," Karen interrupted her.

"Not that!" Kara exclaimed blushing.

Karen laughed. "Alright, fine, what three things does Luthor have that you want?"

"Permanent hair removal, an ultrasonic white noise generator, and a shifting suit," Kara said. "I'm trying to figure out how to get them from him."

"Not sure about the first one, I wouldn't suggest going through what I went through to get it," Karen said with a shudder, "but I can ask Alan about the white noise machines. Even if they aren't part of their normal catalog, LexCorp sells anything you can pay them for."

"Hope they don't cost too much," Supergirl said, "but if I can get a good look at one, I can probably make my own."

"And finally… you want one of these suits because…" she asked with a grin.

"You know why," Supergirl hissed, blushing.

Karen grinned. "So really… you do want that one thing from Lex."

"Hey!"

Karen laughed and shot off into the sky with Kara in hot pursuit.

Chapter Text

Power Girl hit the massive war machine head on, flying into it with both fists extended, tearing a hole straight through it.

Supergirl followed up with an uppercut to the giant robot's head, knocking it on its back and away from the hotel it had been about to crush.

"Well, that was easy," Power Girl said as she landed on its head, ignoring the woman in a labcoat screaming obscenities from across the street.

"You tore your cape," Supergirl noted as she floated nearby.

"What?!" Power Girl spun around. "Aw, I hope this thing has a repair function."

The cape twitched and slowly repaired its missing portion.

"Neat," Power Girl said with a grin.

"I have got to get me one of those," Supergirl said, "it does everything but julienne fries."

"If it did dishes I'd marry it," Power Girl joked.

Supergirl laughed. "Any idea what all that was about?"

"No clue," Power Girl admitted, "J'ohnn just said there was a report of a giant robot stomping through town. I'm pretty sure the nut over there is responsible." She jerked her thumb over her shoulder at the cursing woman.

A dark haired man came out of the hotel and yelled, "You're breaking the restraining order!"

"I'm over five hundred feet away," the woman yelled back, "I extended the control range!"

"Messy divorce?" Supergirl guessed.

"Some type of breakup," Powergirl replied.

"This is why men avoid dating smart women!" he yelled not approaching the woman.

"Like the bimbo you're shacked up with?!" she screamed.

"Well at least with Linda I don't have to worry about being attacked by cyborg chimpanzees if I forget to do the dishes!"

"I warned you they were attracted to the smell," she snapped back, "don't try and pretend I deliberately set them on you!"

"I'm smarter than most of the women on the planet and I've never attacked someone with a giant robot or cyborg fauna because I was upset," Supergirl told Power Girl, "it must be a human thing."

"I put someone's car in orbit once," Power Girl replied.

"What, seriously? Someone broke up with you and you put his car in orbit?" she asked in disbelief.

"No, if I was going to use my powers for petty revenge I'd use them to do something petty," Power Girl said. "No, I put a guy's car in orbit because he parked across two handicapped parking spots so no one would ding his new car."

"That seems fair," Supergirl said.

"The judge agreed," Power Girl said smugly.

The pair watched as the two ended up in a yelling match that ended in a passionate embrace before a half dressed woman came out of the hotel and chased the two around with a whip herding them inside the hotel.

"I think my job here is done," Power Girl decided quickly.

"Don't you dare leave-" Supergirl was interrupted by her 'cousin' vanishing in a burst of light. "Dammit!"

She turned towards the hotel, used her x-ray vision, and her eyes widened. "And it looks like the police can handle it from here."

She scanned the robot to make sure it was safe and floated down to the hole Power Girl had punched through it. Reaching into the hole she pulled out a section of cape the size of a tube sock.

"I don't suppose your repair capabilities can handle this?" she asked wistfully.

The scrap of material morphed into a barbie sized Power Girl outfit.

Supergirl snickered. "Yeah, I suppose that's about the most I could expect from you. How about a wristband?"

The doll sized suit formed a sweatband around her left wrist.

"Better than nothing," she decided and flew off.

"How are the clones coming?" Waller asked the scientist in charge.

"Project Phoenix is developing quite well, showing none of the signs of degradation Project Match did. Corbin was a lot easier to handle, being a modified human clone with empathic grafts. It was harder to limit his abilities than it was to add them."

"And is there a reason you have a third clone gestating?" she asked dryly.

"The majority of the costs for creating a hybrid kryptonian clone had already been spent before I was ordered to switch over to Project Phoenix," the scientist explained. "I can use the data acquired from its development on Project Phoenix to lessen the chances of anything going wrong."

Waller nodded and made a mental note to make sure Dr. Desmond wasn't slipping in any control codes in KR's personality that would make him loyal to him personally. "An efficient use of resources," she allowed.

"Have you considered my suggestions for Project Blockbuster?" he asked.

"Human testing is risky, we're still compiling all the data from the criminals that have been exposed," Waller replied. "The picture that is developing is that Blockbuster is too powerful to do anything but cause major mutations during the transformation stage." She considered Luthor's advice about bears. "Perhaps developing a weaker version that can be used on your average soldier to give them an edge would be a more effective use of our resources."

"I suppose I could alter the formula to prevent gross mutations, but that would waste most of its potential," Desmond argued.

"I'll put someone else on that project," Waller decided, "you concentrate on the clones."

Desmond nodded, but planned on working on the formula in his spare time anyway; he had a lot of downtime between checks at the moment.

Xander got in line at the bank to withdraw a little spending cash, which was more than you could get at an ATM as he planned on having a lot of fun and untraceable bills were definitely the way to go there.

"Everybody down, this is a stickup!"

Xander sighed. Was this going to happen every time he entered a bank?

"I said get down!" a ski masked thug yelled at Xander, who was just staring at him irritably.

"Why are you robbing a bank in Metropolis?" Xander asked. "You do know this is the town Superman spends the most time in, right?"

"We don't plan to be here that long, now get down!" the robber ordered jabbing at Xander with his gun.

"No," Xander said conversationally. "Not only did you decide to rob a bank in Superman's favorite city, you decided to do it during his date night."

"What?" the robber asked confused.

"Superman is off getting laid," Xander said bluntly. "Do you recall how mad you'd get when someone cockblocked you? Now imagine how Superman is going to handle it."

"Johnny?" one of the four other thugs asked nervously.

"I got this!" Johnny said pulling out a glowing pink rock.

"Pink Kryptonite?" Xander asked in surprise.

"Yeah," Johnny said smugly, "stole it off a lab shipment to Star Labs. Colors off, but it was labeled as the big K."

"Pink kryptonite doesn't harm Kryptonians," Xander said, "it simply changes their sex for fourty eight hours."

"What?"

"Green Kryptonite is the only type that harms Kryptonians," Xander explained, "the other colors just annoy them."

"Fuck!"

Xander reached out and took it from him. "One pissed off cockblocked Superman is on his way right now, let's not make him even angrier, okay?"

Xander tossed the small rock above his head, caught it in his mouth, and swallowed it, much to everyone's shock.

"What do we do?!" one of the thugs demanded.

"I don't know," Johnny admitted nervously.

"The police would treat you a lot better than a cockblocked Superman," Xander suggested. "They won't even cause bruises."

"And Supes don't mess with prisoners," one of the thugs said ripping off his mask and dropping it on the floor with his gun before marching out the door with his hands over his head.

The others quickly followed leaving Johnny standing alone in the bank. "It really wouldn't harm him?"

"Not a bit, just turn him female and she would probably be even more pissed than he would be. You know how women are," Xander said.

"Shit," Johnny said taking off his mask and dropping it on the floor, tossing his gun on top of it. "Good looking out."

"Glad to help," Xander said, bumping fists with the robber before he left the bank. Xander walked to the head of the line and waited for one of the tellers to come out from under the counter and call for the next customer.

After a few seconds everyone realized it was all over and began to get up off the floor and straighten their clothes.

A police officer came in and looked around. "Anyone hurt?"

"No shots were fired," the guard said, "they just burst in waved their weapons and were talked into leaving by him." He pointed at Xander.

Xander sighed. "Can I make my withdrawal before giving a statement?"

"How about during?"

"That works," Xander agreed, looking hopefully at one of the tellers who gave him a nod, while straightening her hair.

"How can I help you?" she asked.

Xander took out his wallet and placed his ID and bank card on the counter. "I need five thousand dollars in non-consecutive bills please."

"Non-consecutive?" the officer asked suspiciously. "Someone blackmailing you?"

"No, but I'm famous and I don't need someone tracking my movements when I'm hitting stripclubs to sell to the tabloids," he replied, surprising both the teller and the officer.

"And your name is?" he asked.

"Lex Luthor," Xander replied as the teller went to retrieve his money.

The officer looked him over carefully. "You look different with hair."

"I know," Xander said cheerfully, running his fingers through his thick black hair.

"What can you tell me about what occurred?" the office requested, dropping back into his professional persona.

"Five masked individuals burst in yelling about a stickup. I tried to convince them it was a bad idea, the leader revealed he had a chunk of Kryptonite. After I explained that pink Kryptonite isn't harmful to Kryptonians, I swallowed the chunk, and suggested they give themselves up," Xander explained.

"You swallowed the Kryptonite?" the officer asked in disbelief.

"Quickest way to make them give up their plan," Xander replied with a shrug.

"We're probably going to need that for evidence," the officer said hesitantly.

"I'll turn it over to a Justice League representative," Xander said, "they have the federal license needed to legally handle it."

"And you probably do as well," the officer realized.

"Exactly," Xander said, "though I would appreciate a lead lined box-"

"Luthor," came a familiar voice from behind him as someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"- to avoid accidentally exposing Superman to the radiation," Xander said with a sigh as he turned around just in time to see Superman's form shift into a well built and attractive woman.

Chapter Text

Xander reached into his pocket and pulled out a glowing pink rock. "I took this away from the bank robbers, apparently they stole it from STAR labs."

Superman looked down at the glowing pink rock still too stunned to respond.

"It's pink kryptonite," Xander explained trying to distract Superman from his… her situation, "it reverses a kryptonian's gender for forty eight hours, but whether that's from first exposure or last I'm not sure. I'd suggest marking the time when you put it in a lead box so we can find out. I'm also unsure whether it's once per exposure to a particular piece or if it does it every time, so I'd appreciate you testing that as well."

Superman cleared her throat and froze at how feminine it sounded.

"Yes, I know you're feeling a bit out of sorts, but it's only for two days," Xander reminded her, "you'll be fine."

"I…" Superman began and paused. "Thank you," she said, listening to her voice and shaking her head at how strange it sounded.

"You really should pay more attention before you swoop in, especially when the police already have things under control," Xander chided her. "Seriously, the Metropolis police had it handled."

"I have no doubt about that," Superman said, "but it's simply polite for me to offer my services in case they need a bomb disposed of or something heavy moved, since I'm in the area."

"Good point," Xander conceded. "Well, I don't think they need you right now so I'd advise locking that up, while making sure not to expose Power Girl or Supergirl to it."

Superman flinched. "Yes, I can't see that going well," she agreed, suddenly relieved that she'd been the one exposed.

"We have a lead box if you'd care to use it," an officer offered.

"And remember to mark down the time," Xander reminded her as she left, quickly walking away before she elected to float instead.

"I thought you'd swallowed it," the officer said.

"I did, but I copied Plastic Man's powers so it's easy for me to simply pull anything I've swallowed out of anywhere I want," Xander replied.

"Makes sense," the officer agreed. "I'm surprised you didn't tease Superman, you're not exactly known as his biggest fan."

Xander shook his head. "When he's back to normal I'll tease him, doing it while he's on the backfoot and out of sorts is just rude."

The officer nodded. "Well, I've got all I need. I hope the rest of your day goes better, Mr. Luthor."

"As do I," Xander agreed with a grin as the teller handed him several stacks of cash which he slid into his pocket, leaving no bulge. "Thank you," he said before leaving with a spring in his step.

The robbers outside were crouched low in the backseat of several patrol cars, hiding from the sex changed Superman and blessing Lex Luthor for preventing them from upsetting him, Billy gave Xander a grateful smile as he passed and mouthed 'thanks' at him.

"I'm glad this worked out without anyone getting hurt," Xander said as he got on his motorcycle, gave everyone a wave and rode off.

"Superman?" The Flash asked cautiously as the former man of steel appeared on the watchtower holding a lead lined box.

"A new variety of kryptonite," Superman said as she floated off the teleport pad.

"Why aren't you walking?" Batman asked curiously.

"They… jiggle," Superman complained, glaring at her breasts.

"You get used to it," J'onn assured her.

"Is the effect permanent?" Batman asked, concerned.

"No, Lex said it should only last for forty-eight hours," Superman replied.

"Luthor was involved?" Batman demanded.

"They robbed the bank while he was there and he talked them into surrendering to the police and confiscated the kryptonite they'd stolen from STAR labs," Superman explained.

The Flash winced. "Maybe we should take a look at the bank's camera footage. God only knows what he said to scare them."

"Criminals still surrendering the moment you arrive?" Superman asked.

"They're terrified!" The Flash exclaimed. "It's awful!"

"I'll retrieve the footage," Batman said moving to a computer terminal.

"I"ll be right back," Superman said before vanishing in a burst of speed.

"Maybe if I feed you, you'll get bigger," Supergirl said as she ate her lunch and stared at the barbie sized copy of her costume.

Picking up one of her fries she poked it. "Eat."

The tiny suit shifted until it was a fluffy white cat the size of her thumb and started nibbling at the fry, taking dainty little bites while Supergirl stared at it.

"That I didn't expect," she said, scanning the tiny feline with her x-ray vision and finding it indistinguishable from an actual feline.

It purred as she cautiously stroked it, while feeding it a second fry.

"You must be nanotech with molecular encoding," she decided. "Lex really is a genius."

The tiny kitten's form grew noticeably larger as it ate another fry before yawning and curling up in a ball to sleep off its meal.

"Looks like I'm going to get my suit without asking Luthor," Kara said smugly.

"Pardon?" Martha asked as she stepped into the dining room before she noted the tiny cat her adopted child was staring at. "That is the smallest cat I've ever seen."

"It's not a cat," Kara said. "It's a fragment of the suit Luthor gave Karen. It seems to be a form of nanotech, which uses that form to gain mass for its repair functions."

"I hope it's toilet trained," Martha Kent said, having only a vague idea of what nanotech was.

"I doubt it actually produces any waste at all," Kara said, "and once I feed it enough I'll have my own copy of Karen's suit." She smiled happily and took a bite of her burger.

"So… it's alive?" Martha asked.

"No, it just mimics it really well," Kara said searching her mind for something that Ma would understand, "like your fish screensaver."

"What will he think of next?" Martha said as she sat down next to Kara.

"Knowing Luthor? I'd hesitate to even guess. Normally I'd say something to try and kill Clark, but he's still playing nice, so there's really no telling."

The door opened and a female kryptonian floated in dressed in Clark's outfit. "I was exposed to a new variety of Kryptonite that has temporarily reversed my gender," she said. "It's me, Clark," she added as the two just stared.

"There's kryptonite that reverses our gender?" Kara asked in disbelief.

"Pink kryptonite," Clark explained.

"Was Luthor behind it?" Martha asked.

"No, in fact he tried to stop me from being exposed to it," Clark said, shaking her head in disbelief. "Some criminals robbed a STAR labs shipment and thought they could use it to keep me from interfering with them robbing a bank. Luthor had already talked them into surrendering and was waiting for the police to bring in a lead lined box to store the kryptonite when I flew in."

"Luthor, Lex Luthor, stopped a bank robbery," Martha said in disbelief.

"He was making a withdrawal when they attempted to rob the bank," Clark explained. "He talked them into giving up."

"He always was a silver tongued devil," Martha said. "Are you sure he didn't arrange it? It'd be just like him to set things up so he looked innocent."

"Batman is looking into it, but he seems reasonably certain Lex simply stumbled over the situation," Clark assured her. She noticed the cat on the table. "Did you miniaturize a cat?"

"It's the repair mode of my new nanosuit," Kara said with a grin, "I just need to keep feeding it until it has enough mass to match my regular suit."

Clark nodded, figuring it must be a piece of kryptonian tech she hadn't seen before.

"So, how long are you going to be female?" Martha asked.

"Another forty-six hours," Clark replied. "I need some help…" her voice trailed off embarrassed.

"Help?" Kara asked, hoping Clark was going to ask her to take over his patrols while he waited for the effects to wear off.

"Yes, see… I've never been female before," Clark said awkwardly, "and… I have no idea how to handle it."

"Emotionally?" Kara guessed.

"No, physically," Clark said. "I'm afraid to go to the bathroom and I really have to pee!"

Kara fell off her chair.

Martha ignored the laughing girl on the floor. "Follow me, dear," she told her son turned daughter kindly and lead her upstairs.

Xander's form altered to take the form of a young woman as he exited the shadowy entrance of the parking garage where he'd stashed his motorcycle. She calmly joined the local foot traffic, losing herself in the crowd as she went with the flow until she spotted a bus stop and decided to wait for the bus.

It was a short wait and she rode the bus for several blocks before getting off and using the bathroom in a coffee shop to shift forms into an older woman, who ordered a cup of coffee and watched for tails for a good half an hour before getting up and calling a taxi, using a payphone which Metropolis still had for some strange reasons.

The taxi pulled up and she slid inside. "The Metropolis Convention Center, please, young man," she said with a smile. "My grandson has a display of some of his drawings there."

"He into comics?" the young man asked curiously.

"I don't think so," she said pretending to be unsure, "he said it was something called hen… tie? He assured me I wouldn't be interested, but I'm sure his pictures of chickens will be wonderful."

The cab driver turned his laugh into a cough. "Yes, I'm sure they will be," he offered, biting his lip to keep from laughing.

"I'm surprised he went into art," she said, "he was such a quiet boy growing up, always staying in his room and such a sickly child. Why, I had to empty a wastebasket full of kleenex every day from his room. I made him lots of chicken soup, but that didn't seem to help with his sinus problems."

"It happens," the cabby croaked out as they pulled up in front of the convention center, trying not to laugh.

"Oh dear, it looks like you have sinus problems as well, your eyes are watering something something fierce," Xander said, passing him a couple of twenties.

"Seasonal allergies," he choked out. "Have a nice day!"

Xander changed forms as he exited the cab taking on his original form, the cabby laughing too hard to notice. Maybe going this far to muddle his trail was a tad paranoid, but he'd made it completely undetected!

On the Watchtower

"He was going to a comic book convention?" The Flash asked in disbelief.

"It looks that way," J'onn replied.

"He might be meeting someone," Batman said as he zoomed in on one of the monitors and watched Lex argue about a recent Spider-Man plotline with a fan while they waited in line.

"Some kind of code?" Martian Manhunter guessed as they listened in.

"No, the latest arc in the Spider-Man saga really has people up in arms," The Flash replied, "and he's probably right, they are going to kill off Ben Riley."

"You read that series?" J'onn asked.

"It's one of my favorites," Flash replied. "Spider-Man deals with a lot of problems superheroes actually run into in their personal lives."

"Really?" Batman asked doubtfully.

"Definitely," Flash said. "Dealing with a hostile press, being framed for crimes, keeping your identity secret, even having to decide between getting new stuff for your apartment and paying to upgrade your superhero gear. I'm telling you, it's all done so realistically I'd almost believe the writer was a hero."

"Are you sure he's not?" Batman asked.

"Yeah," Flash assured him, "I don't know about in the past, but he's pretty old. I checked him out, introduced myself, ended up in a long discussion about ethics with him. Stan is a pretty cool guy, but he's no superhero."

"Rewind a bit," J'onn said. "There, play it from there."

"I can just about read his lips," Flash said, "background noise is too loud to hear but I think…"

"He's muttering to himself about Ben," Batman said.

"Fans can get pretty crazy," Flash said. "Still it'd be nice to have him buy Marvel and get rid of some of the stupid plot lines that everyone can see coming a mile away, so the big event is just disappointing anyway!" Flash realized they were both staring at him. "What?"

"I'm only going to be female for two days," Superman said, "I don't need to shave my legs."

"Yes, you do," Kara said firmly.

"Why?" Clark asked, realizing she was serious.

"So you can understand what we go through," Kara explained. "This is a rare opportunity for you to learn something men normally never get a chance to; what it's like to be a woman and some of the stuff we go through. I can't let you waste it."

"I… I guess I can see that," Clark agreed.

"Good," Kara said. "Now, let me show you what to do."

Ten minutes later

Clark came out of the bathroom wincing with each step. "How often do you have to do this?!"

"Every week or two," Kara said with a grin. "Be glad I didn't make you do your bikini line."

"My bikini line?" Clark asked confused.

Kara made a gesture towards her crotch. "I assume Lois and Diana keep things neat and tidy down there? I know Diana has to or hair would be sticking out the sides of her costume."

"Oh," Clark said in understanding. "I really should do the whole thing," she admitted reluctantly. "Any advice?"

Kara beamed. "Don't try and remove it all, start at the lightest heat vision you can manage. You only need to trim. It's all about precision."

Superman nodded and took a deep breath. "I'll be right back." She marched resolutely back into the bathroom.

"You are enjoying this far too much," Martha noted with amusement.

"I'm just happy to have him see the other side, "and if it perhaps makes 'her' understand what we go through," she said thinking 'And if it makes Clark a little easier to persuade later…' to herself, "then so much the better."

"That is a very evil grin," Martha noted, the pair of them ignoring the squeals and muffled cursing coming from the bathroom.

Kara blushed. "I'm hoping to convince him to let me get electrolysis without going all protective," she admitted.

"That's reasonable," Martha said.

Clark stepped out of the bathroom with a wince. "I'm beginning to understand why you have better control over your heat vision then I did at your age… or now for that matter."

Kara smiled.

Chapter Text

"Done?" Kara asked.

"I really hope so," Clark said as she stepped out of the bathroom, walking gingerly.

"It gets easier," Kara offered, feeling a smidgen of guilt which she quickly brushed off as she had to deal with this problem multiple times a month.

"Yes, but does it get less painful?" Clark asked.

"No," Kara said shaking her head, "you just get used to it."

"There has to be something in the Fortress of Solitude that would do the job," Clark said. "I swear to you I'll go through it and find it!"

Kara burst out laughing. "The only kryptonians who had to deal with this issue were in the military and they considered it beneath them to complain."

"Only the military regularly trained with their powers," Clark said with a nod, recalling being reminded of that fact recently by Lex of all people.

"The only person who has come up with a way to fix that is Luthor," Kara said casually, "and good luck convincing him to be a beautician."

Clark laughed. "Yes, I can't think of what you could say to convince him."

"Well if you do, let me know," Kara said, quickly changing the subject before Clark realized he'd given tacit approval to the idea, or at least room for Kara to claim she thought he had, "but now, let's move on to makeup!"

"Makeup?" Clark asked confused.

"Yes, those pretty little face paints we girls love to wear," she said with an evil grin.

"Now hold on," Clark said, "makeup is purely a personal choice and I for one am a tomboy."

"Oh come on, it won't be that bad," Kara said.

"I know," Clark agreed, "I've had to go drag a couple of times for a sting or a story. Trust me, I know how to handle makeup, I just personally don't care to use it."

"Seriously?" Kara asked surprised.

"Seriously," Clark said with a grin. "I may not have had to shave my legs for it, but I did have to do my nails and put on makeup."

"Wanna see the pictures?" Ma Kent asked with a smile, eager to break out the photo albums.

Kara grinned. "I do!"

Superman rolled her eyes, but couldn't stop herself from laughing. "I'll leave you two to it, I have to meet up with Lois and Diana for dinner, though I believe we'll be eating in tonight."

"Have fun, dear," Ma said before he vanished in a burst of light.

"You know, I haven't ever seen Clark's baby photos," Kara said, seeing great potential for future teasing.

"You know he was in theater in High School," Ma Kent said, "I have pictures of him in all his plays, including The Rocky Horror Picture Show."

"You're joking? They actually allowed the students to put on The Rocky Horror Picture Show?"

"Oh yes," Martha said, "the students expected us adults to protest and forbid it, but we all knew that would just encourage them to try something more risque."

Kara tilted her head and narrowed her eyes at the clear amusement in Ma's tone. "What did you do?" she asked.

"The PTA got together and we looked over the material," Ma said with a grin. "Turns out audience participation is a thing, so when the curtains opened, we were all dressed in character as well."

Kara snickered.

"Old widow Smith made a particularly good Dr. Frankenfurter I thought, even though she was in her 80's at the time."

Kara burst out laughing until tears came to her eyes.

"Strangely enough the theater club put on much more acceptable plays after that," she said smugly.

The next day

Xander's fingers danced across the keyboard, all five of them, as each of him scanned the alleys of Metropolis looking for a particular homeless man. There were over a dozen hits, which was a surprisingly small amount for a city this size. He slowly winnowed the number down to two, removing those that didn't fit what he remembered. Two Xander's monitored a single homeless man each while the other three contacted local homeless shelters and made donations.

"Found him," Xander said as he watched the beggar carefully add a strip of duct tape to the cardboard box he lived in.

Xander reabsorbed his other selves except for one who pulled loose.

"You know this is crazy, right?"

"And?" Xander asked.

"No 'and' I just thought it was a shame we didn't have anyone to point it out," he replied cheerfully before they merged once more.

"I need a sidekick," Xander complained, "one who isn't me I mean, I can't wait to get the Mercys back."

"I knew he missed me," Mercy said with a smile.

"I still can't get over how different he is," the green haired Mercy said.

"I can't get over the fact that the change was caused by what happened to us in your world," Mercy said.

"He really didn't like who he became in my universe," the green haired Mercy said, "said he would have killed him himself if Superman hadn't done it for him."

"I just can't see Superman killing someone," Mercy said, "I mean, I know he's an alien and Lex had good reason to doubt him, but…"

"But his reaction to the death of his friend is the most human thing he's ever done?" the green haired Mercy finished for her.

"Yeah," she agreed. "Just seem strange, that it makes him more human not less."

Xander adjusted the watch like device on his wrist, it was blocky and looked hastily thrown together from whatever parts could be scavenged up. "Perfect," he said with a grin as a series of popup displays showed various indecipherable readings.

His form shifted growing a tattered and dirty trench coat over a blue and while skin tight outfit with a black four on the center of his chest inside a white circle. His face became thinner and the hair at his temples turned gray as he grew dark stubble on his face.

Xander examined himself in the reflection of a liquor store window, making his body unhealthily thin and lengthened his limbs to just shy of inhuman. "That should do it," he decided.

His body took enormously long strides, the legs stretching out like taffy as he hurried down an alley until he came upon a large cardboard box covered in duct tape. "The readings are coming from here, but I don't see anything," he complained loudly.

There was muffled cursing coming from the box and a homeless man in tattered clothes poked his head out. "Reed Richards?!"

"You know me?" 'Reed' asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, but you shouldn't be here," the man said, taking off his woolen cap and running his fingers through his hair. "I can get you home," he promised.

Xander felt a twinge of guilt for tricking him. "Tell me," he said, "if you had to break the rules to save someone… would you do it?"

The man blinked. "I… I suppose so, if it didn't endanger everyone."

Xander nodded and his form shifted, changing into his teenage self, a form he rarely used anymore. "Xander," he introduced himself and offered a hand.

The man slowly shook it, confused. "Not Reed?"

"No," Xander said with a sigh and shook his head. "I need to pass through so I can retrieve someone before he dies a senseless death. Here they have a future, there they don't have much time left."

"You don't belong here," the man said, "and yet… you do."

"I've crossed over a bit myself," Xander admitted. "Higher powers decided I needed to travel a bit."

The man nodded. "Travel is broadening, too much sometimes."

"Don't I know it," Xander agreed with a sigh. "So, can I get passage?"

"Yeah, I need to relocate for a time anyway," he said. "I assume since you took the form of Reed Richards you are looking for universe 616?"

"I'm hoping to save the Scarlet Spider," Xander replied, "his future is pretty bleak."

"Spiderman's clone?" the man said. "Yeah, since he's a clone the disruption is a lot less, if there is any at all."

"I was hoping that was the case," Xander admitted, "well that and his death being so close."

"Yeah, both of those would lessen the impact," he agreed "He'll have to rebrand himself of course, to minimize the connection."

"He's done it once, he can do it again," Xander assured him.

"Good, let's go," the bum said and snapped his fingers, causing a burst of light as they vanished.

"Where'd they go?" the Mercys chorused.

"Beyond my range," Kree said. "From the way there were talking I don't believe they are on this Earth anymore."

"Hope they didn't return to my world," the green haired Mercy said, "it sucks."

"I think they were going to the world Lex originally glimpsed," Mercy said thoughtfully as she considered the younger form he'd used.

"Originally?" the green haired Mercy asked.

"Yeah," Mercy said with a nod, "see he somehow got the memories of his analogue from another world and that lead to him questioning what he'd been doing and then he saw the world where Superman had snapped and found you…"

"Yeah, I can see it," the green haired Mercy said. "My world would confirm what a screwed up path he was walking down."

"And now he's going to help out his other self or someone they know that needs help," Mercy guessed.

"Too deep for me," Artemis said, "let's go train."

"I haven't gotten my ass kicked enough today," Mercy said with a grin welcoming the distraction. "Let's go."

"That's the spirit!" Artemis cheered. "Come on, I'll let the both of you fight me at once."

"Kree, you want in on this?" the green haired Mercy asked.

The amazon sorceress smiled. "Sure, it's been a couple of years since I've gotten some decent hand to hand practice."

"New York?" Xander asked hopefully as he looked around the alley they were in, finding it much the same as the one they'd left.

"New York City," the bum agreed before crawling back into his box. "Come find me when you need me. In the meantime, I need my beauty rest."

"Thanks," Xander said, "I really appreciate it." He shifted his clothes into a simple pair of Levi's and a long sleeve flannel shirt that wouldn't look too out of place, before he exited the alley, taking careful note of where he was before blending in with the crowd.

"Okay, now where would I find him?" Xander asked himself when he heard an explosion in the distance. "Probably in that direction," he decided with a grin. He crouched down, his legs forming a spring before launching himself a dozen stories in the air and shifting into a large pterodactyl.

Winging his way forward, Xander followed the sounds of battle, only to find four young children battling a pair of Spiderman's foes, Rhino and Vulture.

"Infinite Mass Punch!" the oldest cried out as he swung his right first, covered in an interesting pattern of geometric energy squares, into the Rhino's stomach, knocking him back half a dozen feet and dropping him to his knees.

"Get off me!" the Vulture screeched as he swung his claws wildly, trying to clear his vision of the living cloud that was covering his head. He dropped the bag of cash he was holding when he slammed into the side of a building, the armored glass shaking in its frame but not cracking.

The Vulture fell, unconscious towards the pavement below, a rainbow suddenly catching him before it resolved into a strawberry blonde who let out an oof as she broke his fall, carefully lowering him to the ground.

"Bagged and Tagged!" the cloud yelled as it condensed into a young dark haired boy.

"Don't make me do it!" a little blonde girl yelled as she held a large ball of energy a foot from The Rhino's head. "I really don't want to hurt you," she said quietly.

"Just blast him already!" the dark haired boy yelled.

The older boy looked conflicted and kept his mouth shut, obviously unsure how to respond.

The Rhino sighed. "It's okay kid, you got me."

"No fooling?" she asked.

"No fooling," he promised and sat down.

"Good," she said, relieved as she pointed her hand upwards and released the ball which shot into the sky and exploded.

"He could have been lying!" the young boy complained.

"Zip it Mass Master," the older boy said, "it was her call and she made it."

"Fine, fine," he said irritably.

"Is that a pterodactyl?" the little blonde girl asked, pointing above them.

"Don't be silly they're extinct…" the older girl said, he voice trailing off as she saw Xander.

"Let's follow him!" the youngest boy said excitedly as he leapt into the air, his form expanding into a large cloud.

The police were screeching up, so the oldest boy picked up the little blonde haired girl and the older girl grabbed his shoulders quickly carrying them into the cloud.

"Be good!" the little girl yelled down, getting a tired wave from Rhino, who waited quietly as the police surrounded him.

Xander continued on, seeing as the young heroes had everything under control and landed on top of an apartment building with a good view of the city. "Now, how best to go about finding him?" he thought aloud, bringing up his 'wristwatch'."Radioactive blood should make it… but he doesn't have radioactive blood, since he's a clone. Note to self: Tell Spiderman to visit Dr. Strange to fix that little problem. Hey, I can drop in on Spiderman… but that would probably lead to some stupid hero on hero fight as things get confused. I know, I'll just call him and explain things over the phone. Hard to screw that up."

Xander whipped out his cell phone. "And I have no signal because my phone plan doesn't involve other dimensions. Note to self: Develop a phone that automatically taps into the local phone systems."

He scratched his chin. "Okay, not a big problem, I'll just get some change and use a payphone." His wristwatch chose that moment to start beeping. Xander glanced down at it then looked over the edge of the building and saw Spiderman swinging by. "Nope, still going to call first, nothing good comes of startling Spiderman."

*Crack Boom* A burst of energy shot past him and exploded.

Xander turned around and there stood the four preteen superheroes that formed up Power Pack in their silver moon boots and color coded costumes. "But I didn't want to fight Spiderman," he complained.

Spiderman swung up and somersaulted onto the roof. "Then why did you shoot at me?" he demanded.

Xander looked from Spiderman to Power Pack and knew there was only one thing to say. "He did it," Xander said, pointing at Mass Master.

Chapter Text

"I did not!" Jack Powers aka Mass Master exclaimed.

"He totally did," Xander told Spiderman making Katie Powers aka Energizer giggle.

"She did it," Jack said pointing at his younger sister.

Energizer huffed annoyed. "I was just trying to signal you," she told Spiderman.

"Told you I didn't do it," Jack said.

"Yeah, but it was funnier to blame you," Xander said making Katie giggle even more.

Spiderman relaxed. "Why did you need to signal me?"

Katie pointed at Xander. "He was talking about calling you to avoid a fight."

Spiderman looker at Xander who nodded.

"I've seen way too many Hero on Hero fights when they first meet because of misunderstandings, so I figured I'd call first," Xander explained.

"And then you said your phone wasn't setup for calls in this dimension," Alex Powers aka G-Force said curiously.

"I didn't prepare for this trip properly," Xander admitted, "I did a little prep work and then rushed off because I have poor impulse control."

"I've been told the same thing," Jack said.

"Right there with you, buddy," Spiderman told Jack. "So… where are you from and why are you here?"

"I'm from the universe next door," Xander said, "we don't use the numbering system you do, being an entirely separate branch of creation. I'm here because I need to get in touch with Ben Riley."

"You mentioned something about radioactive blood," Julie Powers aka Light Speed the second oldest pointed out.

Xander snapped his fingers. "Almost forgot about that, thanks."

"I'm not giving out blood samples," Spiderman said quickly.

"Not asking for them," Xander assured him. "No, I wanted to clue you in to a future health problem that Stephen Strange could help you with before it became a problem."

"I've talked to Reed Richards about my sparkly blood and he's assured me that the changes I've gone through have made me resistant to radiation, so I'm fine and I'm not hot enough to endanger others," Spiderman said.

"In normal day to day life you are quite correct," Xander said. He glanced at the younger members of Power Pack and decided to choose his words with care. "However, fluids that linger, repeatedly… can build up."

"What's he mean?" Katie asked Alex, who was blushing as he did understand what Xander was hinting at.

"Cooties," Xander said firmly. "Kissing and such."

"I knew cooties were real," Jack said with a grin.

Spiderman froze not even breathing for a moment.

"Cooties are icky," Katie said with all the authority the eight year old superhero had.

"Anyway, if you visit Dr. Strange and go on a vision quest to talk to the spider totem it'll get rid of your… cooties," Xander explained carefully.

Spiderman glanced at the kids. "That is good advice. How do you know about this?"

"Different universe," Xander said with a shrug, "I've seen your life play out in countless ways." He grinned. "You should see the one where Aunt May ended up as Galactuses new herald."

"Aunt May?" Spiderman asked in disbelief. "You know my secret identity," he realized.

"I know everyone's secret identity," Xander said with a shrug.

"Who am I then?" Jack challenged him.

"Jack Powers," Xander replied, "along with Katie, Julie, and Alex you form Power Pack. You are the most impulsive of the group and also the most creative when it comes to power usage, finding new ways to use whatever power you have."

"We need to get masks," Alex said.

"You really do," Xander agreed. "Also never steal all the powers and go off to join a hero team by yourself, they'd never forgive you for that."

"What?!" the four looked shocked.

"It's a possible future," Xander said, "and one of the darker ones where he decides to 'protect' you all by being an idiot."

"Why do you need to meet Ben?" Spiderman asked as the children fell to arguing.

"This universe has a will and it considers him… superfluous," Xander explained. "He's got a few more months before events transpire that will lead to his death. My universe doesn't have a Spiderman, so he'll be fine there."'

"Sounds kind of sketchy," Spiderman admitted.

"Check with Madame Web," Xander suggested, "or Destiny, or…" he shrugged, "whichever other precog you can dig up."

"Franklin?" Katie suggested, the four having calmed down after a few seconds of arguing.

"Doesn't have the control to call on it at will," Xander said, "most of his powers are bound until he's older."

"Would you mind holding off on contacting him until I can verify a few things?" Spiderman asked.

"Of course," Xander replied. "I have a couple of days until I have to head home and I'm sure I can find some way to keep myself entertained in the meantime."

"How do I get in touch with you?" Spiderman asked.

"Tag me with a tracer," Xander suggested. "I'm not sure where I'll be or what form I'll be in, so that's the best way to track me down."

"Form?" Julie asked curiously.

"I'm a shapeshifter," Xander explained, shrinking down until he was just a little taller than Jack and wearing a purple and black outfit that matched their own.

"What's that symbol mean?" Alex asked curiously pointing to the three wavy black lines in the center of Xander's chest.

"It's the ancient symbol for water," Xander replied, not admitting he'd stolen it from The Fifth Element.

"Cool, so you have water powers too?" Jack asked.

"Nah, but I'm like water in that I can be any shape I want, hard or soft. I can change shape, size, mass, and density at will."

"Can you become a cloud?" Jack asked eagerly.

"No, you have me beat there," Xander assured him, "but I can be small and super dense like you can or large and super dense."

"Here," Spiderman said, handing the smaller Xander a spider shaped device the size of a dime.

Xander pushed it against his forehead and it sank in.

"Can you turn into animals?" Katie asked.

"Sure, what would you like?" Xander asked.

"A pony," Katie said instantly.

Xander shifted into a purple pony with a black mane and tail.

Katie squealed and hugged him, immediately trying to climb on his back.

"Katie!" Julie exclaimed, but Xander simply knelt down so she could climb on his back.

"Giddy up!" Katie exclaimed happily as a saddle formed under her with reins attached to the horn.

"Not much room to ride up here and while I can grow wings, I'd need practice to fly safely," Xander told her.

"Can we go to the park?" Katie asked eagerly.

"Sure," Xander agreed.

"I'd have chosen T-Rex," Jack said.

"Figure out a way to keep the people in the park from panicking and I can do that too," Xander offered.

"Cool!"

"I'll see you later, I have some calls to make," Spiderman said, the children calling out their goodbyes as Spidey leapt off the building, waving with one hand and shooting out a web line with the other.

"We're supposed to be patrolling," Alex reminded them.

"We already stopped a bank robbery," Julie pointed out, "let them have some fun."

"Consider it power practice," Xander suggested as his form stretched, wings popping out of his sides as he grew another pair of legs. "You can make me lighter and Light Speed can help push us along."

Jack had already claimed the seat behind Katie, so Alex simply nodded and sat behind him while Julie took the rear.

Xander ran forward and leapt off the building, his wings easily keeping them afloat with G-Force lowering their weight.

Anyone looking up in the sky would have seen a six-legged Pegasus carrying four kids, while leaving a rainbow behind it, flying across the sky.

Being New York, most people ignored it.

They quickly reached central park, landing on one of the jogging paths.

"My turn!" Jack said eagerly as they dismounted.

"We haven't been riding that long," Katie complained.

"No worries," Xander said as he shrunk back down to pony form and split apart into two and then four.

"I can't do that," Jack said in amazement.

"How many powers do you have?" Alex asked.

"One power, I just increased mass and split it off," Xander explained as everyone climbed on their own personal mount.

The pony Katie was on grew a white spiral horn and a sparkly white coat, much to her approval.

Jack's pony grew into a full-sized horse with a black coat and a fiery red mane.

Julie and Alex's simply turned into brown horses, as Xander didn't figure they'd care all that much.

"People are going to notice us," Alex said with a frown.

Color coded masks that covered their hair and the top half of their faces grew from the horns of their saddles that the children quickly donned without any prompting.

"How did you get your powers?" Julie asked as Jack and Katie rode off racing one another.

"Asked a friend for a skin sample so I could copy his," Xander replied.

"And he got his by getting covered in chemicals after being shot a few times," the Xander, Alex was riding added.

"And he decided to become a hero," Alex said with a nod.

The two horse Xanders laughed.

"Actually, he flipped a coin," Xander said.

"He was a burglar before he gained power, but he realized he could be a lot more," the other added.

"Since he had options but wasn't sure which he preferred, hero or villain, he flipped a coin and became one of our world's greatest heroes," Xander explained.

"He flipped a coin?" Alex asked in disbelief.

"Really?" Julie asked.

"Really," Xander assured her. "My guess is that he would have become a hero anyway and flipping a coin was just an excuse."

"I'm winning!" Katie cheered as she sped past on her little white unicorn, having already lapped them.

"Faster!" Jack yelled as he chased after her on his huge black Nightmare.

"How about you?" Julie asked.

"I was a teenage demon hunter," Xander said, "and some higher power decided I was needed elsewhere. Next thing I knew I'd been switched out with an older analogue of myself in a completely different dimension. I immediately went out and got myself a useful set of powers and started fixing up my new life. My analogue wasn't a nice guy, so I'm still cleaning up his messes."

"Don't you miss your friends and family?" Julie asked.

"Very much so," Xander said, "but there's nothing I can do about that, I have to play the cards I'm dealt. So, I pretend to be an adult and trust my friends will be fine without me."

"How old are you?" Alex asked.

"About a year older than you," Xander replied. "I have all of my analogues' memories, so it's easy to pretend to be him."

"That sucks," Julie said, giving his head a comforting pat as they rode down the trail.

"Not really," Xander disagreed, "I'm rich and powerful and have made a lot of new friends."

"Woo hoo!" Jack rode past them on a velociraptor while Katie chased after him on a Pegasus.

"It makes our origin seem kind of dull," Alex said.

"You guys saved the Earth from annihilation and prevented the Snarks from going on a war of conquest," Xander told him, "my story is simply stranger."

"I'm looking forward to high school," Julie said, "I'd be sad if I missed it."

"Pretty sure your high school experience is going to be different from mine," Xander told her. "Remember when I mention being a demon hunter?"

"Yeah," Julie agreed.

"My high school was set directly over a half barred door to hell," Xander said, "my nearly two years' experience of high school involved regular vampire attacks, our school paper had an obituary section, and I lost a lot of friends. Trust me, I'm not going to be missing a single second of it."

"I'm glad I'm not going to be going to your high school,' Julie said.

"Woohoo!" Katie cheered as she passed them riding an emu with Jack chasing after her on a zebra.

"There are a couple of things you guys need to work on, as being heroes," Xander said.

"One is probably keeping our identities secret," Alex said with a sigh.

"Okay, three things," Xander corrected himself, "but seriously get Friday to make you some masks and possibly armor your outfits a bit. Anyway, you need to practice switching your power-sets and you need to work on your healing abilities. Very few teams have healers and you guys have four, take advantage of that fact."

"You mean the way we can join hands and heal ourselves?" Julie asked.

"That's just the tip of the iceberg," Xander said, "each of you is capable of healing individually, yourself and others."

"How do we do that?" Alex asked excitedly.

"No idea," Xander said with a shrug that caused a hitch in the brown horse's steps, "I just know it's possible. Reed or Xavier could help you figure it out, they excel at that sort of thing."

Rounding the path, they found two Katies and two Jacks eating hotdogs next to a cart, though it was easy to tell who the doppelgangers were as they were dressed in purple versions of the others costumes with the water sign on them.

"Now there's an idea," the Xander, Alex was riding said, "hotdogs."

The two horses made a beeline for the cart.

"Two foot longs, no onions," Alex's mount ordered.

"Same here," Julie's mount added.

The vendor didn't even bat an eye. "Four foot longs coming right up."

"They already pulled this prank on you?" Xander guessed as Alex slipped off and he turned into a purple suited clone of the teen, an action mirrored by Julie and her mount.

"Yeah, and did it better," the vendor said as he finished up the hotdogs and Xander gave him a gold coin.

"Gold?" Alex asked curiously.

"My American currency wasn't printed here so it could be considered counterfeit," Alex-Xander explained with a perfect match of his voice, "but gold is always gold."

"Ain't that the truth," the vendor said. "You want seconds or thirds or even tenths they're on the house."

"Thank you," Julie said, "but one's my limit."

"Same here," Julie-Xander added in Julie's voice.

"How many clones can you make?" Alex asked as they joined the others by the bench.

"All of them," Alex-Xander said cheerfully.

"He means we could be everyone, everywhere, at every time," Julie-Xander explained.

"You could make billions of clones?" Alex asked wide eyed.

"Easily," Jack-Xander agreed.

"That's… wow," Julie said.

"Can't see why I'd ever do it," Alex-Xander said.

"Maybe as a prank?" Julie-Xander suggested.

"Nah," Jack-Xander said, "a hundred people tops would be a good prank, past that point someone would call in the national guard."

"Kat- I mean Energizer!" a small blond boy called out as he ran up.

"Tattletale," Katie said with a wave. "Um, I mean Franklin."

Reed Richards and Susan Richards followed behind their son as Katie introduced a confused Franklin Richards to all the Xanders.

"Alternate universe counterparts?" Reed guessed.

"Alternate universe multiple form shapeshifter," Alex-Xander replied splitting off to make a clone of Reed as well.

"My word, that is an impressive power-set," Reed noted.

"Which one is the real one?" Franklin asked, pretending to be confused as he looked at Katie and Katie-Xander.

"I am," Katie and Katie-Xander chorused. "No me!"

"It's a mystery," Susan said with a grin.

Katie picked up a rock from the ground and disintegrated it before turning to her clone. "Match that," she challenged.

Katie-Xander laughed. "It'd take me at least a week and a very good lab to pull off a convincing imitation of that."

"I could probably kludge together a disintegrator in an hour," Reed offered.

Reed-Xander nodded. "Yes, but I was referring to giving myself a power that could imitate hers, not creating a device."

"Or we could do a little sleight of hand," Katie-Xander said picking up a piece of gravel and placing it on her palm. She bit her lip and concentrated causing a small flash of light and the rock vanished.

"How'd you do that?!" Katie exclaimed.

"Altered the chemical makeup of my skin to create a flash of light and suck the rock in while you were all blinking the flash out of your eyes," Katie-Xander explained as the rock pushed up out of her palm.

"Altered the chemical composition?" Reed asked.

"I have complete control of my body, right down to a molecular level," Reed-Xander explained.

"Fascinating, just fascinating," Reed said, mind whirling away. "Are you in telepathic contact with your other bodies?"

"No," Reed-Xander shook his head, "in fact due to my physical makeup I'm immune to telepathy. I simply gain all my memories when I reabsorb my component parts."

"How much mass are you able to extract from the extradimensional space you're in contact with?" Reed asked. Susan elbowed him, causing his side to push inward for a second. "If you don't mind me asking," he quickly added, shooting his wife an apologetic look for his rudeness.

"Infinite," Reed-Xander replied.

"That's not possible," Reed said, "well… unless the extradimensional source operates by different rules then our universe of course."

Reed-Xander nodded. "It does and the properties carry over to a degree. Plus, the friend I copied my powers from was once reduced to atoms and scattered across the Earth for several centuries until his friends and co-workers returned to modern day and reassembled him. The centuries of boredom were not kind as the human psyche isn't designed to deal with such situations, but he was physically unharmed. I believe a change in the timeline removed the events so he's back to normal, but I still insisted on teaching him how to form nanites just in case he was in such a situation in the future."

"Paradox compensation?" Reed asked, naturally running through the various ways Xander could have knowledge of a previous timeline and deciding that was the most probable way for him to have retained his memory.

"Yes and no," Reed-Xander said. "I'd rather not go into details as it's a headache to deal with."

Reed snorted. "Anyone who thinks they understand time paradoxes doesn't."

Reed-Xander chuckled. "I know."

Susan noted the younger children had wandered off while they were talking and were now playing a spirited game of tag leaving the older teen Powers children and their clones listening to Reed and Xander talk. "Does the form you take affect your mental state?"

Reed-Xander considered that. "I believe it does," he said thoughtfully. "Forms copied from those that have their own will… would explain some of the personality shifts. It's not a major factor, as I can override it if I need to, but I never bother to unless serious matters require my attention."

"Physical resonance," Reed thought aloud.

Reed-Xander tilted his head. "I think it's more along the lines of the Laws of Contagion."

Reed winced. "Magic," he said with a sigh.

"At the highest levels of the arts, science and magic meet," Reed-Xander said, thinking of the New Gods.

"Theoretically," Reed agreed.

"Law of Contagion?" Alex asked curiously.

"It's a magical law, so more a guideline than a firm facet," Alex-Xander explained, "something that was once connected is always connected."

"Bell's Theorem," Julie-Xander added, "electrons continue to affect the electrons they share a shell with, no matter the distance removed."

"That's a vast oversimplification," Reed said, "though I can see the connection."

"I believe we're the only two quantum physicists here, so we have to simplify it for the rest of our audience," Reed-Xander explained, making Reed nod in acknowledgement.

"Of course, the Law of Contagion also states the more closely two things resemble one another the more they affect one another," Julie-Xander added.

"It's the idea behind True Names," Alex-Xander explained, "the closer to true the description, the more power over a thing you have."

"Knowledge of an object can alter its quantum state," Reed admitted with a sigh.

"So, by looking like us you'll act more like us?" Alex asked.

"Pretty much," Alex-Xander agreed. "The source of my power isn't reality locked, so magic rules apply."

"Voodoo," Reed said flatly.

"Be nice," Susan chided him, amused as always at his reaction to dealing with anything that verged on the mystical.

"Like voodoo dolls!" Alex said wide eyed.

"Exactly," Reed and Reed-Xander chorused with identical nods and tones of voice.

"Now that is disturbing," Susan said.

"And proximity enhances the effect," the two chorused.

Xander-Reed shifted into Lex Luthor and ran his fingers through his thick black hair. "I think I'll avoid mimicking you."

"Is that your real form?" Susan asked.

"More or less," Xander replied, "it's kind of a moot point as my natural form is now just a pink blob of no definite shape."

"Would you mind coming back to my lab so I can run some tests?" Reed asked.

"I'm trying to avoid cross universal contamination," Xander said. "The less physical evidence I leave here the better."

Reed nodded. "May I ask why?"

"The last time our two universes became aware of each other… they became one, an amalgamation of both. From what I understand it was a devil of a time uncombining them."

Reed blinked.

"I can't believe it," Susan said with a grin, "you've rendered him speechless."

"I have that effect on people," Xander said cheerfully.

"To have retained memories of such an event would take far more than just a paradox compensator," Reed said, trying to wrap his mind around the concept but finding no purchase.

"I was out of dimension at the time," Xander said. "My other half has no memory of the event, but I observed it, that's how I knew to come here."

"Whee!" Franklin rode past them on a tiny T-Rex while being chased by Katie riding in a kangaroo pouch.

"This is minimal evidence?" Alex asked.

Xander shrugged. "Minimal lasting evidence," he offered. "My power may have given me some impulse control problems,"

"Wait for me!" Jack yelled as he chased after them riding a two headed llama.

"Just a bit," he added.

Chapter Text

"So, what brings you to our dimension?" Reed asked.

"I'm here to save The Scarlet Spider and take him back to my Earth," Xander replied. "While we have a lot of heroes we don't have a spider themed one, so there's an opening."

Susan smiled. "I wasn't aware there was a quota."

"There is," Xander said seriously, "and while I can't name the higher powers that govern such things, I do know events have been set in motion to remove him."

"Really?" Reed asked doubtfully.

"How many times have heroes or villains been cloned, and how many of those are still around?" Xander asked.

Reed stroked his chin and considered the matter. "I hadn't noticed the pattern before, but I can see your point."

"What do you mean by higher power?" Alex asked curiously.

"I'm referring to beings of power and universal constants in this case," Xander explained. "I'm not sure whether it's a universal constant or a particular embodiment of an aspect of reality that has decided no two heroes should be exactly alike, but the outcome is the same, any duplicates meet with 'accidents' that removes them from play."

"That's awful," Julie said, the two older Power children looking horrified.

"I think so too," Xander agreed, "so I decided to do something about it. I'll set Ben up with a new identity, lab, and trust fund so he can live a nice, full life on my Earth. The Spiders aren't really good at handling work life balance, as you've probably noticed, always trying to do too much, so by making sure he doesn't need to worry about money or getting to work on time, he should be much happier."

"Work life balance is important," Susan agreed, giving Reed a look.

Reed sighed. "Something I am very much aware of, though I still struggle with it myself."

"Have you considered funding a small lab for Spider-Man to work out of?" Xander asked. "He has the same problem as Ben and is wasting his intelligence working for The Bugle."

"He does have a promising future in the sciences," Reed noted as he considered all the times they'd worked together. "Do you think he'd agree? I wouldn't want to upset him by offering a hand out, he's been a good friend."

"Set up a small lab somewhere, separate from the Baxter building so your groups of villains don't mingle when they attack, as they no doubt will, and simply charge him ten percent of any patents he produces," Xander suggested. "I have no doubt it'll be profitable and within a decade he'll be able to afford to start up his own company."

Reed nodded thoughtfully. "I believe you're right. I'll get right on that."

"I'll handle the details, love," Susan said, "you just convince him to agree."

"Mutants are a threat! Humanity first!" a voice roared out.

Everyone turned to see a small crowd had gathered, at least half of them wearing black armbands and a stage was being assembled.

The heroes aimed matching looks of disgust at the slowly growing crowd.

"I hadn't realized Humanity First was holding a rally here today," Susan said with a sigh.

"I'd forgotten about that," Xander said. "Another way my Earth is different than this one is the lack of a telepathic virus."

"Pardon?" Reed asked curiously, already making mental connections to what Xander had said and certain events, causing a growing feeling of unease.

"Most of humanity is carrying a telepathic virus that mutants are immune to, so it increases antagonism towards them," Xander explained.

"How hard would it be to come up with an inoculation?" Susan asked Reed, wondering if she and Reed were carriers.

"I'll let you know after I've had a chance to study it," Reed replied.

"The virus enhances empathy and has probably been at least partly responsible for preventing all out nuclear war," Xander warned. "Look in the crowd and you can see skinheads standing shoulder to shoulder with people of various races who they would normally detest. I'm not sure what the solution is, but eradicating the virus probably isn't it."

"I'll see what I can come up with, "Reed said, "but this," he gestured to the crowd, "is unacceptable."

"Just take your time and don't make any quick decisions," Xander said, "that's all I ask. Also, I'd suggest being very cautious, if any carriers discover what you are doing it will respond."

Reed nodded. "I have telepathic defenses that should help, I'll be cautious."

"What should we do?" Julie asked, eager to help.

"Don't speak of it, even if you're alone," Xander said. "The less people who know, the safer you'll be. The virus will protect itself by any means possible."

"What if we're infected?" Alex asked.

Xander shrugged. "Then it's already too late, but I'm relatively sure that the various empowerment processes you've all gone through, have cleared your systems of it, otherwise you'd be joining the crowd over there."

The younger children wandered over with their doppelgangers.

"I think I've had enough of the park for now," Franklin said sadly.

Susan picked up her son. "They're just ignorant," she told him, "try not to let them get to you."

Franklin nodded and hugged her tightly.

"I'll see if I can change their mind," Reed said, ruffling his son's hair. "Give me a week or two, it's not going to be easy, but I can be very persuasive when I need to be."

"Really?" Franklin asked hopefully.

"Really," Reed promised his mutant son. "I've let this go on for too long without sticking my nose in it."

Franklin beamed, his depression gone as if it never existed. He had tremendous faith in his family and there were few problems his father couldn't fix. "Hear that, guys? Dad's going to fix this!"

"Well if anyone can, he can," Jack said with a nod.

"Good," Katie said, relieved that Franklin was happy once more.

"Let's go get some ice cream," Reed suggested, knowing that would distract the children.

"Ice cream!" the younger children cheered while Xander reabsorbed his doppelgangers. "I'll need the masks back." Xander reminded everyone.

"But it's comfy," Katie argued.

"It's also part of me," Xander said. "I have infinite mass and can turn into anything, but it feels untidy to leave bits of me lying about."

Katie removed her mask and looked at it thinking about all the shapes he'd taken while Xander reabsorbed all the other masks. "Tiara," she ordered it hopefully, causing it to change into a small gold and diamond crown, which she put on. At Xander's look she gave him a tearful pout and he sighed. "You can wear it for now, but I'll need it back later."

"Thanks," Katie said cheerfully, patting her tiara with a bright smile.

Xander shrunk down to become a young teen. "Where is the nearest ice cream place, anyway?"

"There's a Baskin Robbins just a block away," Susan said amused as she set Franklin down.

"Why the change in age?" Reed asked as they corralled the children into heading in the right direction.

"I get less looks when I pig out," Xander replied with a grin.

Xander blended with the crowds as he strolled down Fifth avenue. It was almost sunset and he wasn't sure what to do next.

He needed to stay in New York so Spider-Man could locate him, which limited his options a bit, otherwise he'd probably drop in on the X-Men or New Mutants. He also didn't have a lot of cash on hand as the banks were closed, so he couldn't exchange some gold and get a motel room. He could try a pawn shop, but they'd pay less than the gold was worth and after growing up poor the idea of not getting his money's worth offended him.

He could walk all night, he didn't get tired or need sleep, but that was boring and he had a very low tolerance for boredom. He was still trying to decide, when his rambling steps lead him back to central park. Looking around he decided he might as well sleep here as anywhere else and tomorrow he could get some local currency and take a tour.

He found an empty spot and when no one was looking, he shifted into a life-sized statue on a stone plinth. Much to his surprise he found it easy to doze off and slept soundly until he was awoken by someone tapping him on the foot.

Xander stretched and yawned, blinking in the early morning sunlight. Glancing down from his waist high plinth he saw Spider-Man and The Scarlet Spider standing there.

"I thought you'd ditched my tracer until I realized this statue was out of place," Spider-Man told him amused.

"Really?" Xander asked as his form shifted and reabsorbed the extra mass until he was in his standard Lex form once more. "I'd taken care to make myself look as old as the rest of the statues in the park. What gave me away?"

"Most of the statues are of historical figures and Fat Elvis just doesn't fit the bill," The Scarlet Spider pointed out.

"Blasphemy!" Xander exclaimed. "Elvis was the king!"

The two costumed vigilantes chuckled.

"I understand you wanted to see me," The Scarlet Spider said.

Xander nodded. "I'm from a different Earth, one almost unconnected to here and I got wind of several plots in the works that will result in your death. I can't say what powers are involved, but you staying here in this reality is a death sentence. If it's not one thing it's going to be another, check with a trusted precog and you'll know I'm telling the truth."

"We talked to Madame Web, or rather she called me," Spider-Man said, "that much of your story checked out."

"That was a very uncomfortable call, trust me on that," The Scarlet Spider agreed. "I was told you were my one chance to escape the web of fate and she couldn't see what happened to me after that."

"What exactly are you planning on doing?" Spider-Man asked. "No flowery talk and vague predictions please, god knows I get enough of those from Madame Web."

"Understandable," Xander agreed, "I'm not a fan of Prophecy myself. The universe if going to bend the laws of probability to ensure there is only one Spider-Man, making sure even half assed insane plans will kill one of you, probably Ben, but it's not all that picky. My universe doesn't have any Spider based capes, so you'll be fine there. I figure I'll set you up with a new identity, a lab, and a trust fund so you can invent and punch out bad guys on your own schedule."

"Why?" The Scarlet Spider asked, unused to such generosity.

Xander thought about how to answer that for a moment. "Your death offends me," he finally said. "You are a good man, doing good work, and have had a hard time of it. I've got the knowledge, power, and money to change things, so I'm going to do it."

"That's not the answer I expected, but then I'm not really sure what I expected to be honest," The Scarlet Spider admitted. "Alright, how do we do this?"

"Pack your stuff, not too much mind you, because we have to carry it," Xander explained, pleased everything was going so well, "then we meet up with a man who can send us back to my world. Once we're there we'll go to my tower and start on the paperwork for everything."

"Rich?" The Scarlet Spider guessed.

"I'm almost an analogue of your Tony Stark," Xander replied, "mixed with Reed Richards."

"Impressive pedigree," Spider-Man said.

"I do alright," Xander said modestly.

"Well, I have to say some goodbyes and pack, I'll be right back," The Scarlet Spider said, before leaping off.

"I'll miss having him around, weird as it was," Spider-Man decided. "It was nice having someone who could empathize with everything I went through."

"You have another clone wandering around named Kaine," Xander offered. "He's a bit unstable, as The Hyena tried to enhance him and screwed up a bit. He's got enhanced versions of your abilities and is a precog. He's been hanging around Ben trying to figure out if he had to kill him to prevent Mary Jane's death in one of the futures he saw, but you should probably drag him to Doctor Strange as well. He should be different enough to avoid getting squished by reality, but a non spider themed ID would probably help."

Spider-Man just stared. After a few seconds he said, "Okay, any more bombshells to drop on me?"

"Several," Xander said cheerfully, "and all of them early enough to avoid any major disasters."

"I'm listening," Spider-Man said seriously.

"Where to begin…" Xander scratched his head. "Okay, Osborn is planning to arrange the break out of a bunch of your villains. The idea is to send them after you in waves, until you are worn down enough to kill. Now, normally you'd call in Ben and he'd sacrifice himself to save you and then this turns out to be a huge Xanatos gambit where Osborn fakes the death of your daughter during childbirth and has her spirited away, but I'm taking Ben so that shouldn't happen the same way."

"That's the death Kaine foresaw?" Spider-Man asked intently.

"No, that's something else," Xander assured him. "Anyway, let SHIELD know what Osborn is up to and you can avoid a lot of problems. I'd also suggest calling in some favors so he can't have the docs and nurses switched out and the baby kidnapped. You have a lot of high powered friends, this is the time to ask for help. Seriously, swallow your pride and ask, they would be hurt if you didn't."

"Yeah… I don't have a problem with that," Spider-Man agreed. "The baby's not due for a couple of weeks, so I have time to arrange things."

"Good," Xander said. "That should short circuit the whole strained marriage situation."

Spider-Man nodded. "Losing our child would cause a lot of heartache and stress."

"Now for the more difficult situations," Xander said solemnly, knowing Peter was not going to take this well.

"That was the easy one?!" he asked in disbelief.

"In comparison," Xander agreed. "Aunt May is old, you know that, right?"

"Kinda hard to miss," Spider-man said a little nervously.

"The only reason she's still alive is because she wants to see you happily married with kids," Xander said. "She's holding on for that one thing. It's an impressive act of will, but her time is just about up and she knows and welcomes it. You know she's heading up and Ben is waiting for her, right?"

"I know," Spider-Man grudgingly admitted. "How long…"

"Not sure," Xander admitted, "but what I do know is that a certain infernal being, who's name we won't mention aloud, is going to make an offer when she's dying, to trade away your happy life with Mary Jane to extend May's life. May would not want this and you'd be an idiot to go for it, so don't, alright?"

"Seriously?" Spider-Man asked.

"Seriously," Xander said. "The afterlife she's heading to is top notch, don't fuck it up for her."

"I'll… take it under advisement," Spider-Man said, resolving to deal with it at a later time.

"Probably the best I can hope for," Xander decided. "And finally…"

"I'm listening."

"I don't recall the details, but Doc Oc may end up possessing your body at some point. He decides to live your life to the fullest in your name, it's a thing. Let Doc Strange know so he can keep an eye out."

"My life is weird enough that I don't find any of this impossible," Spider-Man said with a sigh.

"I'm right there with you," Xander assured him. "I once ended up in an alternate reality where my analogue became president, killed one of my favorite heroes, and drove our version of the Avengers into becoming dictators to stop him. I rescued the local version of my gal Friday who was in a coma that I needed the blood of a Deadpool like hero to heal. She's currently learning hand to hand with her alt on an island filled with thousand year old ageless amazon warriors."

Spider-Man just stared at him.

"Yeah, I know my life's ridiculously crazy," Xander said. "Of course the reason I ended up in that alternate reality is even crazier."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear any of that," Spider-Man decided. "How do you know so much about my life?"

"That… is an even crazier story," Xander admitted. "Ask Deadpool, and he can probably explain it to you better than I can."

"No thanks, I like my sanity," Spider-Man replied, only half joking.

"Yeah, I know, Deadpool has a Cassandra thing going on where he can tell people the truth but no one will understand or believe him," Xander said, having a soft spot for the fourth wall breaker.

"He's not crazy?" Spider-Man asked in disbelief.

"More… so sane he's insane," Xander offered with a shrug. "Sanity is kind of a nebulous concept when you get down to it. He has impulse control problems and often doesn't think about the consequences of his actions, and he lies a lot… Insane is a good description, now that I think about it, but a lot of the craziest stuff he says is true."

"I"ll try to be nicer to him and listen to what he says," Spider-Man allowed.

"Wallcrawler!" a voice called out and the two spun around to spot a large grey figure in a unique armored suit.

"Oh joy, it's the Rhino," Spider-Man said with a sigh, "I was just thinking I didn't have enough cracked ribs to meet my weekly quota."

Xander snickered. "Let me deal with him, I'm immune to kinetic damage and I can prevent him from wrecking the park."

"Are you sure?" Spider-Man asked. "He's a tough customer if not too bright."

"I plan on attacking his brain directly," Xander replied as his form swelled into a ten foot tall blue figure that looked like it was strong enough to take the Rhino three falls out of four.

"Who are you?!" The Rhino demanded as he got into a fighting stance.

"I'm called 'The Wave," Xander lied, "and I apologize in advance for what I'm about to do to you, but Spider-Man has assured me that The Vault has top notch shrinks, so… I'm sure you'll overcome the phobia you develop in months rather than years like my usual foes."

"What?" The Rhino asked confused and a little wary.

"I'm not strong enough to get into a punch up with you and knock you out," Xander explained, "so my usual way of dealing with super strong opponents like yourself is to get in grappling range and… pour myself into their lungs." Xander held up a hand and let the flesh slowly melt away, skin and fat turning to water as it ran down his arm revealing naked muscle and bone.

Spider-Man and The Rhino both looked horrified.

"Being drowned by my flesh, unable to breathe or escape, has caused some… mental problems for my foes at times, but almost all of them have recovered with therapy," Xander assured him as he slowly stepped forward, his flesh beginning to sag, "and only one ended up in a coma, from oxygen deprivation. I visit him on Sunday's to read to him. I'm hopeful that one day he'll recover and the sound of my voice will call him back from whatever black void he is trapped in."

The Rhino swallowed nervously and backed away as Xander approached, his flesh 'melting' until he looked like a water covered skeleton.

"Don't worry, if the worst happens," Xander said his eyes melting away, "I'll read to you too."

*Thud*

Spider-Man stared at the Rhino's limp form. "I'm not usually one to panic, but I'm really considering calling for a fat priest and a thin one right now," he said with a shudder.

Xander shifted back into his Lex form. "Huh, he fainted. I was just trying to scare him a bit, to get him to surrender."

"I'm almost scared enough to surrender," Spider-Man said. He pulled out a phone. "I'll call SHIELD to pick him up."

Reed activated the telepathic scrambling system in his lab. He'd been up all night redesigning it to insure no trace of psionic energy could pass through it. His former design was based on human psionics, but since he wasn't sure what he was dealing with, he elected to err on the side of caution.

"That ought to do it," Reed said with satisfaction as he checked his instruments and nodded at the results.

Tapping away at a keyboard he brought up the dozens of blood samples he'd acquired, from his family, friends, and a local hospital who had treated the injuries of those involved in a minor riot including members of the Friends of Humanity.

If a telepathic virus was responsible for the existence of mutant hate groups he would find it.

"Do you do that to every enemy you face?" Spider-Man asked, while SHIELD personnel took away a traumatized and shaking Rhino.

Xander shrugged. "I don't really have any enemies," he said. "Most of the time if I get into a fight with a cape I just make bad jokes and have fun, but I know that's your thing and I didn't want to step on your toes, so I went with my variation of the 'Scared Straight' program, which I usually only use if there are civilians I need to keep safe involved."

Spider-Man placed a hand on Xander's shoulder. "I am perfectly fine with you joking around, in fact, I encourage it."

Xander chuckled. "Alright, next time I'll do the usual punch up."

"Good," Spider-Man said, "cause I feel like I should send Rhino an apology and some candy or something."

"Tell him I was a demon you banished to another dimension," Xander suggested, "it's close enough to the truth for government work and will make him feel better."

Spider-Man nodded. "That's not a bad idea."

"Did you let SHIELD know about Osborn weakening the security in The Vault to stage a mass breakout?" Xander asked.

"I dropped a bug in their ear," Spider-Man assured him. "How do you know all this?" he asked. "Saying you're from another universe really doesn't explain anything."

"My explanations would sound like they came from Deadpool," Xander said, "so I just say I'm from a different universe and leave it at that."

"Fair enough," Spider-Man said. "At least your predictions are straightforward and understandable."

"Most of the time prophecies involve important decisions and big battles between good and evil, with both sides trying to stick their nose in. Good usually handles the prophecies and it's easier to get people to do the right thing when you lead them to figuring out the answer themselves and since they are the only one who can figure it out at the right moment it gives the other side less of a chance to interfere," Xander explained, recalling how Giles had explained it to him.

"That… makes a whole lot of sense," Spider-Man said. "Well, thanks for telling me straight out anyway."

"No problem," Xander said, "I'm not a precog, so I doubt I'd know what to say to get you to make the right decision at the right moment anyway."

The Scarlet Spider landed next to them, carrying a duffle bag. "Okay, I'm ready to go. What's with SHIELD?" He looked over to where dozens of SHIELD agents were getting into a number of SUVs surrounding an armored car.

"The Rhino showed up," Spider-Man said.

The Scarlet Spider glanced around. "Minimal damage to the scenery, nice work."

"We'll have to stop by McDonalds on the way to pick up some McGriddles," Xander said, "Axel is probably a bit hungry and my world doesn't have them."

"What is your world like?" The Scarlet Spider asked.

"Much like here, except the government gets along better with heroes," Xander said thoughtfully. "The Norse pantheon is a lot less active, but the Greek one is. I think it's a bit happier overall than here."

"I can't believe I'm moving to a whole new world," The Scarlet Spider said. "I'm going to miss everyone, but then I've been missing them while I was here because we can't be seen together."

"I know," Spider-Man said with a sigh. "I still say we should have faked some records about a lost twin, it's not like our parents could have complained."

The Scarlet Spider shook his head. "Too risky, I'd respond just like you and just claiming it was a twin thing probably wouldn't hold up for long."

"Come on," Xander said, as he started walking. "I'll introduce you to my world's Avengers, they can always use a new member and they're a pretty friendly bunch."

"It'll be nice to make some new friends," The Scarlet Spider said. "I can't believe I'm leaving."

"Trust me, I know," Xander said. "I still miss all my friends in my original reality, but I've been making new friends and it really helps. Of course so does being rich and having my own lab."

"I wish I had my own lab," the two Spider themed heroes chorused before looking at each other and shifting uncomfortably, as they always did when this happened, reminding them of their connection and its origins.

"I believe Sue Richards is going to contact you about setting you up with one," Xander said, "and I'll be setting one up for Red here. Really, it's almost criminal to waste your gifts the way you two have been."

"Gotta pay the bills," Spider-Man said with a shrug.

"And I really haven't been in once place long enough to set one up until recently," The Scarlet Spider added.

The three crossed the street and entered a McDonalds, the people in line in front of them moving out of the way as they spotted the web slingers.

"Thank you," Xander said, giving the nervous and curious customers a smile and wave.

"Can I take your order?" the cashier asked wide eyed and practically giddy with excitement as she saw the two heroes.

Xander smiled. "Can we get two dozen McGriddles and four large Coffees? I'm paying in gold, if that's acceptable."

"I'll cover it," The Scarlet Spider offered, "my cash is only good in this dimension anyway."

"Good point," Xander agreed. "I'll pay you back when we get back to my world."

The Scarlet Spider paid the cashier and collected the receipt before the three moved to the side to allow others to order.

"That's a lot of McGriddles," Spiderman noted, "is your friend a big eater?"

"Not that I know of," Xander replied, "but as I said, my dimension doesn't have the McGriddle, so I'm getting extra so I can have my chefs reverse engineer them."

"Good call," The Scarlet Spider agreed, "I love those things."

"It'd almost be a dealbreaker if they didn't have them," Spider-Man agreed.

"Well, we do have McRibs all year round, so there's that," Xander said.

"Really?" Spider-Man asked perking up. "You know, I've always wanted to travel," he joked.

Xander smirked. "Do what every other mad scientist worth his salt does, either invent a replicator or use a time machine."

"That… could work," Spider-Man agreed thoughtfully. "I would just need a single McRib, then I could analyze the composition and develop a machine that could create them at the push of a button."

"You could sell the patent to Tony Stark and keep the prototype," Xander said, "fortune and food."

Spider-Man nodded firmly. "That will be one of my first inventions."

"Order's up," The Scarlet Spider said, retrieving their food.

Xander accepted a bag and swallowed his first McGriddle in one bite, his mouth stretching around it. "Okay, the rest can wait. We need to head five blocks east."

"Hop on my back, I'll carry you," Spider-Man offered.

Xander leapt onto him, shrinking as he did so until he was the size of a small child. "Swing away!"

"Useful power," Spider-Man said as they took to the sky.

"Woo Hoo!" Xander cheered like a small child as the blocks blurred past. "I always knew web swinging would be awesome!"

"Even better than flying, to be honest," Spider-Man agreed as they landed in an alley and Xander climbed down, a bit disappointed that the ride was over.

"Best get into your civies," Xander said, "new comers in costumes usually run into heroes and have stupid hero on hero battles."

"I have noticed that tendency," Spider-Man agreed while Ben changed. "Of course half of mine were because of some story printed in The Bugle."

"You can always change outfits and pretend to be a new hero to make JJ bored out of his mind for a couple of weeks," Xander suggested.

"I may have to try that sometime," Spider-Man agreed.

"So, where to now?" Ben asked as he ran his fingers through his hair to get rid of mask hair.

Xander knocked on the cardboard box. "Hey Axel, I've got Ben."

Axel poked his head out of the box. "That was quick, I thought it'd take you longer."

Xander handed him a hot coffee and a couple of McGriddles. "They actually listened to reason."

"Seriously?" the bum asked in disbelief before taking a sip of coffee.

"Seriously," Xander said.

"I'm not that bad," the two heroes chorused before looking uncomfortable once more.

"Usually it takes a bit to convince people to drop everything and start a new life in a new world," Axel offered.

"I've spent my entire life moving," Ben said, "and truthfully, I do feel… off about living here."

"That would be the universe telling you that you don't belong," Axel said, "and it's probably worse for you because of your precog abilities."

Xander reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of gold coins. "Here," he said, handing them to Axel, "this is what I budgeted for staying here."

"Thanks," Axel said, "it's hard to hold down a job when you have to jump worlds every week or two."

"Stop by my tower some time and I'll have them issue you a debit card," Xander said. "While I can't give you money that is legal everywhere you go, I can at least help out that much."

"Thanks again," Axel said before finishing off his food. "Alright, ready to travel?"

"Yeah, just give me a second," Ben said. He turned to Spider-Man and clasped hands. "Thanks, you didn't have to accept me as family but you did and I'll always appreciate it."

"Aunt May would have kicked my ass if I didn't," Spider-Man said with a grin. "Stay safe."

"You too," Ben said, releasing his hand and stepping back. "Okay, let's roll."

Xander grinned as Axel stretched and his form began to glow. "Hey Spider-Man, I just figured out the cryptic message that you wouldn't figure out until the time is right to make the right decision."

"Yeah?" Spider-Man asked, squinting against the light radiating from Axel.

"Yeah," Xander agreed and said four simple words that left Spider-Man speechless.

The light faded and they were in a different alley, in a different city, in a different world.

Ben turned to Xander. "Don't cockblock Aunt May?" he asked in disbelief.

Chapter Text

"It'll stick in Peter's head and hopefully prevent him from making a stupid decision when Aunt May has the chance to rejoin Uncle Ben," Xander explained.

"Aunt May's strong, she's got years left," Ben said firmly.

"Yes, and when her time comes we don't need Pete making a deal with a demon to extend that and possibly jeopardize her afterlife," Xander said.

Ben frowned but couldn't think of anything to say.

"Axel, remember to stop by, I'll leave word with security and the receptionist to give you a card or notify me if you need any help," Xander hold him.

"I'll keep that in mind," Axel said, "now if you'd excuse me I need a nap."

"Sleep well," Xander said, before waving for Ben to follow him as he left the alley.

"You're just going to leave him in the alley?" Ben asked.

"He's a powerful individual," Xander said, "if he wants to pretend to be a homeless bum and sleep in an alley, who am I to say he can't?"

"I thought he said jumping worlds kept him from getting a steady job?" Ben asked confused.

"It does, but it also provides a lot of opportunities to make money," Xander replied. "He could pick up some best-selling novels and sell them in each world as his own work if he wanted to. He has a reason for what he does and I'm not rude enough to poke into it. If he wants help, I'll provide it, if he doesn't, I'll trust he has matters well in hand."

"That's a good point," Ben agreed. "Where are we?"

"Metropolis," Xander said, "one of the greatest cities in the world and the home of Superman." Xander pulled out his cellphone while Ben stared about him in shock. "Send a car," Xander ordered and put his phone away.

"Superman from the comics?" Ben asked, just to be sure.

"Yes, but don't tell anyone," Xander said, "and don't let anyone know where you're from. We're going to have to make you a whole new ID and that includes your powers."

"Yeah, I can see where my knowing everyone's secrets would be a problem," Ben said, trying to wrap his head around being in a comic book world.

"You don't actually know everyone's secrets," Xander said with a grin, "not all the information is accurate, but enough is to cause some major disasters, so try to keep it to yourself. Did Xavier teach you any mental defenses?"

"He gave me a little training, or rather he gave Peter some training and I've kept it up, probably better than he did as I've had more free time," Ben said.

"Good, telepaths are still pretty rare just like back in your world, but it's still something to watch out for," Xander warned.

Ben nodded. "So… how much is true to what I know?"

Xander shrugged. "No idea, I've never read the comic books in your world, or seen the movies and cartoons, I just know they exist."

"You weren't even a little curious?" Ben asked in disbelief.

Xander grinned. "I read all the comics and watched all the movies and cartoons of your world."

"What?"

"This is what I call a reciprocal reality, each writes stories about the other," Xander explained.

"That's how you know so much about my life?" Ben asked.

"Partially," Xander agreed. "I also know you were about to be 'cancelled' so I decided to prevent it."

"This is… How accurate are the comics of my world?" Ben asked nervously.

"PG-13 for the most part with lots of the darker elements glossed over," Xander assured him. "If you want to read stories about you shacking up with someone, they write just as many here as your fans did back home."

"That's a relief," Ben said with a sigh.

A limo pulled up to the curb next to them and the driver got out and opened the door. "Your ride is here, sir."

"Come on, I'll explain more on the way to Lex Corp," Xander said.

Ben climbed in after Xander and the driver shut the door behind him. "Alexander… You're Lex Luthor!"

Xander nodded. "As I said, not everything is the same as you read in the comics, for instance I'm not nearly as big a dick and I don't have a vendetta with Kal-El, though I do tend to prank him."

"That seems like a huge departure from the comics," Ben said warily.

Xander nodded. "It is. Once I got a good look at everything… I realized I was wrong and had been wasting my life. Not being an idiot I immediately started making changes."

Ben frowned. "How do I know you're telling the truth?"

"You don't," Xander said. "I wish I could give you a better answer, but at least mine is honest."

"Huh," Ben said. "He'd expected some sort of rationalization, but Lex Luthor being open about the possibilities was like Dr. Doom complimenting Reed Richards on his scientific achievements, it boggled the mind.

Xander laughed. "I don't think I'll ever get tired of seeing the stunned look on people's faces when I fail to be a scene chewing villain."

Ben snickered, having to admit to himself that it would be amusing.

"Anyway, once I realized that Superman was every bit the altruistic hero he presented himself as, I cancelled all my anti-Kryptonian projects, gave myself Plastic Man's powers and… now I mostly just mess around doing whatever I think needs doing," Xander explained.

"Why Plastic Man?" Ben asked. "I'd think you'd want Superman's if anyone's."

"Plastic Man's powers are so much more versatile," Xander said, "it has uses far beyond punching evil gods in the face. Plastic Man is a seriously underrated hero and a lot more fun to hang with than you'd believe."

"It's similar to Reed's but more malleable, right?" Ben asked curiously.

"It's way beyond that," Xander said. "I'm immune to nearly everything and can look like whatever I want. I'm young and handsome forever and almost impossible to kill. Reed is just… stretchy."

Ben tilted his head as he tried to recall any comics he'd read about Plastic Man.

"If you want Superman's powers I could probably arrange it," Xander offered, "I know Kryptonian DNA like the back of my hand."

"I'm pretty happy with what I have," Ben said. "The basic Spider set is pretty versatile and I have enhanced healing over Peter, thanks to how I was created. It's not Wolverine quick or anything, but I can heal broken bones in a little over a week."

"That reminds me," Xander said, "did Spiderman take you to Doc Strange to talk to your totem spirit?"

"Was he supposed to?" Ben asked.

"It would have been nice, but since your blood isn't radioactive the way his is, I suppose there's no rush," Xander said.

"And why do I need to meet my totem spirit?" Ben asked.

"Being a clone your DNA isn't as stable as a normal humans, leading to a greater chance of cancer and other forms of tissue degradation as time goes by. Your healing factor was probably engineered to help counter those problems. Being accepted by your totem spirit is a magical panacea for all of that and will put you more in tune with your powers," Xander explained.

"You'd think Peter would have mentioned that," Ben said a little upset as he rubbed his arms, picturing all the ways he'd seen the cloning process go wrong in Warren's lab.

"I didn't get a chance to explain it to him," Xander said. "I was more concerned with his radioactive fluids building up in Mary Jane's system and causing medical problems. You've got decades before you have to be concerned for your health."

"Oh," Ben said relaxing a little. "When can we drop by Strange's or do you have something else planned?"

"The Justice League has a hero with a strong connection to Anansi," Xander said, "she can walk you through it."

The limo pulled to a stop and the driver opened the door on Xander's side. "We're here, Mr. Luthor."

Xander got out. "Thanks," he said before turning to Ben. "Now, let's get to the stuff I can personally help with."

Katie held up her hair tie. "Blue with pink butterflies," she ordered it, causing it to ripple and change color. She smiled brightly and tied her hair back into a ponytail.

"Hurry up, we're going to be late!" Jack called out from the living room.

"I'm coming, stop being such a butt!" the young girl yelled back as she snatched up her backpack.

"Katie Margaret Powers!"

"Sorry mom!"

"I'm still shocked everything went so smoothly," Xander said as they entered his office.

"Didn't you run into the Rhino?" Ben asked.

"That was barely a blip," Xander said, "I gave him a scary story and did a little shapeshifting and he fainted. No, I mean I managed to rescue you, not cause any major disasters, and completely avoided any stupid hero on hero fights."

Ben chuckled. "Yeah, those are far too common."

"So, where do you want to set up shop?" Xander asked. "If you're a fan of DC comics you should have an idea of what the different cities are like."

"I read a lot of comics as a kid, not sure if everything is the same," Ben said. "I know the comics focused on heroes rather than cities and for the most part they've got their own cities covered. I always felt Gotham could use a few more heroes, considering the number of villains they have."

"Batman could use the help," Xander agreed. "He gets a bit touchy about other heroes being in his territory, but you could make a difference there."

"Yah, I think Gotham would be best," Ben said. "Plus, I'm pretty sure the villains are about my speed."

Xander started typing away on his computer. "There is an old Star Labs complex up for sale. They moved to a larger facility three years ago, so everything is close to up to date. The security system was advanced enough that you don't have to worry about squatters having moved in."

Ben looked over his shoulder as Xander brought up the blueprints. "That's a bit bigger than I need," he said. "I mean, I could probably do most of my work out of a basement, that's a five-story complex."

"With another three stories below ground," Xander noted. "However, the price is right, and you'll have room to expand."

"Fifty million dollars is a good price?" Ben asked in disbelief.

"Normally it'd go for three times as much," Xander pointed out, "but since Star Labs is known for getting attacked by villains, they had to low ball it and it's still been on the market for three years. You can live on site so there's no commute."

"It's still a lot of money," Ben said, feeling out of his depth.

"Money is the one thing I don't have to worry about," Xander assured him. "Don't think about costs, think about utility."

"Is there anything smaller?" Ben asked.

"Of course, but they'd cost roughly the same, especially after you take into account the retrofitting needed and you would have to deal with whatever supervillain had made it their lair in the meantime."

"Seriously?"

"It's Gotham," Xander said with a snicker. "The number of costumed looneys they have makes the other cities look like they aren't even trying."

"Target rich environment," Ben said shaking his head.

"That's one way to put it," Xander agreed. "Personally, I think the place is cursed. Any ideas on what you want your new hero persona to be?"

Ben considered it. "I have to avoid connections with my old identity, but I want to keep my web shooters. Maybe something more Gothic detective than colorful hero? I'd blend in a lot better that way."

"I think I recall a detective back in the forties that called himself The Spider," Xander said thoughtfully. "He wasn't in this universe and it does fit the theme. Dress all in black, add a trench coat and fedora, possibly an energy blaster that looks like a forty-five…"

"An energy blaster?" Ben asked doubtfully.

"It'll help if you run into major threats like Solomon Grundy," Xander said, "but it's main use will be as a distraction. You can use it as a stun gun or to shoot masses of webbing, people will concentrate on it thinking it's the real threat and that if they disarm you, you'll be easier to deal with."

"I can work with that," Ben said thoughtfully.

"You'll have to change up your banter to fit the character, possibly toss in ridiculous over the top comments instead like; 'It's like swallowing a spoonful of Drano, sure it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside."

"You stole that from Frank Drebin," Ben said with a grin.

"They don't have the Naked Gun movies here," Xander said, "it'll be perfect."

Ben shook his head. "All right, I'll give it a shot."

"Excellent, let's go to the lab and see what we can throw together," Xander said eagerly.

"You are just a big kid, aren't you?" Ben asked.

"Come on, like playing in the lab isn't something you enjoy too," Xander said as he led him out into the hall.

"Well…" Ben said with a grin, "I admit I do enjoy inventing things when I can afford it."

"Exactly," Xander said, "and we have just about an unlimited budget here."

"You remind me so much of Stark right now," Ben said as they entered the elevator.

"Just without the drinking problem and gorgeous redhead that he ignores to hit on anything in a dress," Xander agreed.

"What about Mercy?" Ben asked.

"I'd never ignore her, either one of them," Xander said.

"There are two Mercys?" Ben asked surprised.

"There are an infinite number," Xander said as the elevator descended.

"You've taken to cloning them?" Ben guessed.

"What? No! Why do people always guess that?"

Chapter Text

Lois and Diana stared at the female Superman as she floated into the living room of Diana's penthouse.

"Alternate universe?" Diana guessed.

Lois shook her head. "Her costume doesn't fit right. If she was an alternate of our Superman, her costume would fit, unless she borrowed one of his spares, but she doesn't have any injuries from going through a battle severe enough to damage her costume and Kal would have introduced us. No, best guess is she is Kal, and since she isn't looking upset this is a short-term problem."

Kal smiled widely. "Your best feature is still your mind," she said in a smooth baritone .

"One of them anyway," Diana teased with a smile. "So, what exactly happened?"

"And why are you hovering?" Lois asked.

Kal blushed. "Well, the reason I'm hovering is because I just did my bikini line a little while ago and it's still tender, plus… I'm not used to the jiggling."

Her girlfriends burst out laughing.

"I know it's funny," Kal admitted, "but it's rather disconcerting."

Diana nodded. "I know exactly what you mean," she assured him. "The gods once turned me into a man for a day to teach me humility. Everything felt off, especially when I was walking, and I quickly learned to be very careful when sitting."

"Why?" Lois asked curiously while Kal winced.

"Because it is far too easy to end up sitting on parts of the male anatomy that do not enjoy being compressed," Diana said, shaking her head.

"Ouch," Lois agreed.

"I'm glad you understand," Kal said. "Now, what happened is that a gang of thieves robbed a STAR Labs shipment which had a piece of pink kryptonite. Believing it would work like green kryptonite, they tried to rob a bank."

"And you were exposed while taking them out," Lois said with a nod.

"Actually, no," she replied. "Lex Luthor had talked them into turning themselves in to the police and had requested a lead lined box to prevent accidental exposure… when I swooped in to offer my assistance."

"Lex Luthor stopped a bank robbery?" Lois asked in disbelief. "Sounds like another one of his schemes to me."

"I already have Batman looking into it, but from everything I've been able to find out he was being honest as it all seemed to annoy him. This is also the second bank robbery he's stopped in a week," Kal pointed out.

"I saw the security footage of the last one," Diana said with a shake of her head. "Silver tongued doesn't begin to describe him."

"How did he stop it?" Lois asked, as the event hadn't made the news and this was the first she'd heard of it.

"He convinced the robbers that the reason Flash's rogue's gallery doesn't harm civilians is because when they do Flash goes back in time and prevents their birth," Kal explained. "Once the bank robbers had thrown down their weapons and surrendered to the police, he assured everyone he was lying, but he was convincing enough that the Flash was horrified."

"I want to see a copy of that," Lois said. "Now, how did he break up this one?"

Kal looked a bit embarrassed as she explained. "He told them it was my date night and asked how they would respond if they were me and I'd cockblocked them." She waited for the laughter to die down before adding, "And then he pointed out what pink kryptonite would do and how a woman responded to the same situation."

Lois and Diana exchanged matching smiles.

"They immediately surrendered and thanked him for looking out for them," Kal finished up.

This time the laughter took a lot longer to die down.

"Date night," Diana said thoughtfully. "It's not a bad idea."

"How long are you going to be female?" Lois asked.

"A total of forty-eight hours," Kal replied. "So, about forty-two more hours."

"We should give him a makeover," Lois said with a grin.

"To let him know how the other half lives?" Diana asked, amusement dancing in her eyes.

Kal chuckled. "Why is it everyone responds that way? Do you really think I've never worn a dress or put on makeup?"

"You have?" Diana asked.

Lois snapped her fingers. "When you investigated that series of hate crimes committed at the drag festival?" she guessed. "I never did find out how you scooped me on that."

"Among other times," Kal agreed with a smile. "Really, do I look like someone who is insecure about their masculinity?"

The two women turned and looked her up and down.

"Point taken," Kal agreed with a shrug before frowning as her chest jiggled. "I'm never going to get used to the way they move," she complained.

"Oh, I think we can help you there," Lois assured her. "Let's get some high heels in your size and a bra and we'll see how well you can strut."

"You are bound and determined to find a way to tease me, aren't you?" Kal asked, amused. As the two nodded, she chuckled. "Alright, let's get started then."

"If we expand the battery further back into the handle, we'll be able to get another five shots out of the energy blaster," Xander said with a frown, seeing several problems with the design.

"Which will weaken the frame and still leaves the linkage here prone to overload," Ben said as he tapped several spots on the screen that was displaying the heavily modified handgun they were designing.

"I have some meta materials that can strengthen the frame, but I'm not sure how to solve the problem with the links to the power supply," Xander admitted. "Personally, I'd call them a feature rather than a bug, as it prevents the power cell from overloading if the blaster is struck by an energy attack."

"I feel like we're missing something here, something obvious," Ben complained, "but any way, trying to make one weapon do too many things makes it less useful in my experience. The best tools have only a few dedicated uses."

"A jack of all trades is a master of none," Xander quoted with a nod.

"Might be better to go with two different guns," Ben decided. "Trying to fit everything into a single weapon provides too many points where it can fail."

"Matching pistols, like Ebony and Ivory," Xander said thoughtfully as he worked, splitting off a second body to work at a separate workstation.

"Never seen Reed do that," Ben said, impressed.

"Plastic Man's powers are really versatile, but don't let on that you know, it's his ace in the hole," Xander said as he worked on the design.

"Black web on the white handled pistol and white web on the black one," Ben noted. "Damn, that does look cool."

"White web supplies energy, and the black one matter," Xander replied. "Fits the theme rather well."

"It's going to feel strange to not wear my web shooters," Ben said.

"You can wear them under your coat, the sleeves will hide them, the guns are just a distraction," Xander reminded him.

Ben perked up. "I forgot about that. Any ideas about how to design my shoes? I use thin material because it allows me to cling to surfaces better."

"I've a couple of ideas for that," Xander replied, "but I'd check and see if that still applies. Powers get stronger with use and age, both of which you have over your younger self."

"Over Peter's younger self you mean," Ben said.

"No, you were made from his cells, so part of you went through all of that," Xander disagreed, "you are simply a branch off the Peter tree."

"Huh," Ben said. "I hadn't thought of it like that."

"Your memories are genetic, you wouldn't have them if they weren't," Xander said with a shrug.

"Being more than one person at a time has made us consider the matter in detail," the other Xander spoke up.

Ben smiled, feeling more secure about who he was as a person. "That nagging feeling of being out of place is gone," he noted.

"This universe isn't out to get you," Xander pointed out.

"Of course, Gotham probably will be," the other Xander added, "but that's not personal, that city is out to get everyone. Note to self: make sure Jack Hawkesmore never comes to this universe and wears Gotham like a suit, bad things would happen."

"Who's Jack Hawkesmore?" Ben asked curiously.

"A guy who was repeatedly kidnapped by aliens and experimented on to give him the ability to fuse with a city and turn it into a battle suit," Xander replied. "Thankfully he's not from this universe, though it's one of the ones between here and your home universe. It's a bizarre and dangerous world I plan on never visiting."

"It sounds like it," Ben agreed.

"Of course, it's not without its humor," Xander said with a smirk.

"The local version of Batman and Superman are a gay couple there," the other Xander said with a snicker.

"Seriously?" Ben asked.

"Seriously," the Lexs chorused.

"How would that even work?" Ben asked.

"Much like any other gay couple I imagine," Xander replied.

"Not that," Ben said waving a hand as if trying to wipe away that portion of the conversation. "I mean, how does someone wear a city?"

Xander shrugged. "Aliens with Clarktech," he offered, "it's as much magic as science at that level. Basically, the roads roll up and everything bends in ways that are insane, to replicate a giant person."

"Glad I don't have to deal with that," Ben said, still trying to imagine it.

"We've got a couple of green lanterns… or four," Xander said thoughtfully, "and their rings are Clarktech. Well… three of them are, the last one actually is magic."

"Note to self; bug the fourth green lantern so he'll use his ring more and not waste away," the other Xander said.

"I'd ask, but I already have enough on my plate," Ben decided. "Now, what are we looking at in terms of fabric?"

"I've got material science that'll knock your socks off," Xander said with a grin.

"Good, maybe a break from the blaster problem will- Eureka!" Ben exclaimed in excitement.

"Eureka?" Xander asked.

"I just realized how to solve the blaster problem," Ben explained with a grin.

"You know, most people at least finish the sentence saying they are taking a break to work on another problem before solving the original one," Xander said drolly while his other self snickered.

"We've been going about this all wrong," Ben said. "We've been trying to make everything self-contained when we should have been thinking cartridges like a gun uses."

"That has some possibilities," Xander said thoughtfully.

"It complicates the supply chain," the other Xander pointed out, "since you have to manufacture specialty shells, but that also allows you to further specialize loadouts, so it's well worth the trouble."

"Each shell can be used for multiple shots or one massive one," Ben said, tapping away at the screen and quickly redesigning the entire thing in seconds.

"Still sticking with the dual pistol design?" Xander asked hopefully.

"I suppose we can, but why?" Ben asked.

"Because they look really cool," Xander said as he projected a hologram of the two guns above a table in the center of the lab.

"They really do," Ben agreed.

"And since we are going to be using a cartridge system it frees up space for safety measures," Xander said.

"What kind of safety measures?" Ben asked.

"Trackers tuned to your spider-sense so you can't lose them, a bio-lock so no one else can fire them, and a magnetic retrieval system so you can call them to your hand," Xander said, already working on the design.

"Which means I'll have to have a complementary system in my gloves," Ben said. "If I'm using a magnetic system anyway… I could add one to my boots as well and make people think my wall crawling is done by magna-tech, though I'm not sure how effective it will be, considering the weight limitations inherent in such a design."

"I've got the design for an anti-grav system that I was planning on suggesting adding to your belt," Xander said, "it's low power and only reduces your weight rather than completely negates it, but with your trench coat used as an airfoil you could use it to glide through the air and it makes the magna-tech system viable without eating up a lot of power."

"People are going to think all my powers are because of technology," Ben said with a snicker.

"You are a tech genius, this way you can show it off and The Justice League will call on you for more than just punching people in the face," Xander said.

Ben grinned. "I haven't had this much fun in ages."

Xander smiled. "Just wait until you get a chance to work with the League. They have some of the finest minds in the universe and facilities Earth can't match."

"How are you going to introduce me?" Ben asked eagerly.

"I can call the League directly so they can vet you," Xander said. "While you don't have to submit to a scan by Martian Manhunter or a testing by Wonder Woman, it's the quickest way to let them know you're on the level. Which you'll probably need since you know me and I've been a tremendous dick most of my life."

"Aren't we supposed to keep where I come from a secret?" Ben asked.

"Of course," Xander agreed. "Just tell them I rescued you from an alternate reality. Since I have two Mercys they know I can jump worlds. Tell them you can't say anything about the world you're from for mystical reasons you aren't quite sure of. It's the truth and is about as much as you can safely share. No need to complicate things with convoluted backstories that'll get discovered anyway."

"And me being a clone?" Ben asked.

"That's personal and really we replace all the cells in our body every seven years, so you're as much Peter Parker as he is," Xander said. "You've decided your name is Benjamin Peter Parker so if anyone notices that you're like Spider-Man and have a spider name you can just say your father was a tremendous fanboy, which Miles was, and your tech is designed to imitate him, which it is."

"That's all true and yet tremendously misleading," Ben said, staring at Xander.

Xander shrugged. "It's a gift, I just use it for good rather than evil now."

Ben laughed. "Wish I could have convinced a few of our villains to do that. Alright, let's get a costume together and test it out."

Superman floated down through the ceiling of the Fortress of Solitude, the crystalline panels sliding back into place as she settled to the ground in what looked to be a glacial cave.

Several sensors scanned her and the fortresses A.I. triggered several more, noting residual scarring and her dimensional frequency. "Kal El, your body has undergone a major shift since your last visit."

"I was exposed to pink kryptonite," Superman replied. "The effects should wear off in another day."

"Noted," the A.I. said and awaited instructions.

"I need a new outfit, one that will adapt to the differences between my new form," Superman said knowing that she would probably be dealing with a crisis when she shifted back, the way her luck usually ran. "Perhaps something using nano-tech," she added, recalling what Supergirl had been working on.

The fortresses' A.I. searched through its memory banks for entries that fit Superman's request, finding multiple options among the military uniform designations and winnowing them down to ones that would resemble his current attire with a little modification.

"Manufacturing now," the A.I. announced.

Superman nodded and then considered what Lex had suggested when he'd interviewed him for the paper. "Is there a way to generate a field to block kryptonite radiation?"

"Many," the A.I. replied, "however I'm guessing you are asking about mobile devices and they have to be precisely tuned, so they may only block one form at a time. The default setting is attuned to block gold kryptonite radiation as all other forms of kryptonite only cause temporary damage or alteration."

"Which is understandable," Superman said thoughtfully, as she considered her options. "How fast can it switch settings?"

"Changing attunement takes five point six seconds to allow complete protection," the A.I. replied.

"Can I set it to automatically adjust to block whichever type I'm being exposed to?" Superman asked.

"Yes, however being exposed to gold kryptonite for even a few seconds can reduce your strength for decades," the A.I. warned, "and the shield will automatically default to gold when you are being exposed to more than one type at the same time."

"It's an acceptable risk," Superman decided as she considered the number of times he'd been exposed to green kryptonite over the years.

"Default settings changed," the A.I. announced. "Suit completion in five minutes."

"Is there some reason you don't use multiple shields to protect against radiation?" Superman asked.

"Overlapping fields interfere with one another," the A.I. replied, "the best defense the Kryptonian military could come up with was a suit that gave partial protection against radiation in general, which is what is being constructed right now."

"So the shield was designed to work with the suit to provide the best degree of protection," Superman said thoughtfully, "and since it reduces the damage a soldier would receive from green kryptonite, the shield was best used to defend against gold."

"Correct," the fortress A.I. agreed. "They'd just finished testing and were due to be distributed to the military when the factory was destroyed along with Krypton."

"I doubt it would have helped anyway," Superman said. "Do we have any treatments for gold kryptonite exposure?"

"A few, but the only one hundred percent effective one is time," the A.I. replied.

"It's something I rarely run into, thankfully," Superman said.

She waited patiently and a few minutes later a crystal table rose up from the floor holding her new suit.

"Thicker material," she said as she picked up the red and blue outfit, noting it was a lot heavier than it looked.

She switched outfits and immediately noticed a problem. "It's baggy."

The walls of the crystalline fortress began to glow, releasing enormous amounts of solar energy. Superman's new costume twitched and slowly began to shift and tighten.

As the light died away Superman twisted and bent to get a feel for it. "Not binding, easy to move in."

"Shall we begin testing?" the fortress A.I. asked.

"Yes," Superman agreed before a pair of turrets popped out of the wall and began firing a rapid stream of bullets at her.

She ignored the assault, barely feeling it, and noticing how her new suit shifted under the impact, spreading out the force of the assault.

The turrets retracted into the walls and several more replaced them, quickly unloading a series of energy blasts at various frequencies.

It took nearly a minute before this test was completed, as the fortress had a wide range of energy-based weapons in its database.

"Final test," the A.I announced, retracting the turrets and lowering a glowing green sphere from the ceiling.

Superman winced and stumbled back, looking nervous as the sphere approached, but after a handful of seconds she seemed to recover and straightened up. "I feel fine," she said with a smile.

"Testing complete," the fortress A.I. announced, "nano-suit and kryptonite shield operating exactly as predicted."

"Well, there is one final test," Superman corrected it. Closing her eyes, she extended her arms to the side and bounced on her heels a few times before smiling. "No more jiggling," she said happily.

Chapter Text

Cordelia checked her teeth in the mirror before putting her toothbrush down as she considered what to do about Xander. She couldn't keep him in the pool house forever… or could she? 'Maybe if I get him trained in how to clean the pool I could slip him into the staff and daddy wouldn't notice?'

She finished her morning ablutions and got dressed, stressing over how she was going to keep him hidden, before heading down to breakfast.

"… ahh, but that is where you are wrong," Lex lectured, "since company B is technically a person for tax purposes, he is taking a loss, meaning they have to reduce the tax burden by an appreciable amount, however since it is still one of your assets, you can also claim depreciation on it as well."

"That can't be legal," Jeffery Chase said, the older man shaking his head in disbelief.

"Completely," Lex assured him. "You have to remember the IRS is composed of people, people who don't care about the big picture. It's not how much you pay the IRS, it's how much they individually get you to pay, since their bonuses and promotions rely on it. Let me give you an example. Let's say you underpaid the IRS to the tune of five million dollars over a period of years. If the IRS as a whole finds out they will steamroll you, because it looks good in their records and all your assets get counted in their totals. However, if you go up to an agent who is just a bit short of the bonus they are aiming for and explain that you discovered a discrepancy in your taxes and want to start a payment plan, they'll bend over backwards to accommodate you, allowing you to pay as little as five percent a year."

"Really?" Mr. Chase asked, leaning forward in his seat.

Lex nodded. "And since you can always pay more if you choose to, you can even use that to alter which tax bracket you fall into."

"That's brilliant!"

Lex smirked and took a sip of coffee.

A stunned Cordelia numbly sat down and a servant appeared at her side and poured her a cup of juice.

"Dear, you should have told me you had a friend with such a mind for business," Mr. Chase told his daughter.

"To be fair we mostly snipe at each other, not discuss business," Cordelia said.

"Oh really?" he asked with a smirk. "That's exactly how your mother and I met."

"It's not like that!" Cordelia exclaimed in embarrassment, before leaping to her feet. "We gotta go! Xander, we have to meet up with your friends in the library before school."

Mr. Chase just chuckled to himself as his daughter hurried the young man out of the house, a large weight off his shoulders as he decided to schedule a meeting with his accountant.

"How did you run into my dad?!" Cordelia demanded as she started her car. "You were supposed to be hidden, not having breakfast with him."

"Well, it turns out he swims every morning to stay in shape," Lex replied, hiding his amusement and wondering why he felt so relaxed.

"What? Really? Huh," Cordelia replied as she shifted into drive and sped off.

"It really is a good habit," Lex told her, "he managed to match me lap for lap."

"You were swimming? Of course you were swimming, why not?" she grumbled to herself.

Lex forced himself not to laugh, finding her irritation even more amusing than tweaking Superman's… Clark's nose for some reason. "It's the best form of exercise," he offered, unable to resist.

"You know what? I'm just going to let that one go," Cordelia decided. "I'm going to let that one go and we are going to talk to Giles and see if he can fix you."

"I don't feel all that broken," Lex replied, wondering if his unusually good mood was caused by being in a teenage body. His intelligence seemed to have been unaffected by being placed in the teen's body as he ran some complex mathematical calculations to check his mental acuity, but even a cursory check of his emotional index showed a much more positive outlook than he was usually capable of without chemical assistance.

"Can you remember being Xander yet?" she asked hopefully.

Lex shook his head. "Still a blank there."

"Then you are still broken," Cordelia told him as the light changed and she pushed on the gas. "Not that I'm saying that's a bad thing, you are a lot easier to get along with and are carrying yourself better, but… Sunnydale isn't exactly safe and you are one of the few people who actually does something about it. Not to inflate your ego or anything but most people who run into vampires die while you… don't. That's not to say you don't get banged up, but you don't get seriously injured."

"Vampires?" Lex asked with a frown, recalling the events of last night but having thought they were caused by a spell which had been broken.

"We live on a Hellmouth, it's a thing," Cordelia said as they pulled into the school's parking lot. "I'll let Giles explain it, he has the whole speech written out. It just sounds better with an English accent."

"If you insist," Lex said, wondering if Giles might know of a way to transfer his mind back to his original world or at least provide some insight into why the breaking of the spell hadn't done so, so he could do it himself. Regardless, he was planning to do some heavy research into the media based on his world before attempting it, as this was too valuable an opportunity to pass up. Thankfully it seemed to be a rather simple animated show, so there were probably only a few seasons he'd be forced to watch as the production value seemed relatively low.

Cordelia put the car in park and turned off the engine. "Follow me and let me do the talking," Cordelia said, "I'll break the whole amnesia thing to them."

"Alright," he said agreeably, amused at her ordering him about.

He followed her into the nearly empty school, few students having arrived this early and the teachers and staff still getting ready for the day, and into the school library where the Librarian and two students were waiting.

"Xander has complete amnesia, he can't remember a thing and a good night's sleep didn't fix it," Cordelia announced before they could even greet the pair.

"That's how you planned on breaking it to them?" Lex asked, the corners of his mouth twitching as he suppressed a laugh.

"I didn't say I would do it gently, that'd just waste time," she replied bluntly.

He silently chuckled as the two young women he'd met the night before, Willow and Buffy, talked over one another as they asked numerous questions much too quickly to answer and in several cases too fast to understand.

"Girls!" Giles half shouted. "Give the poor boy a chance to answer."

Seeing the two settle down, Lex quickly figured out the best way to deal with things without admitting he was still himself, as from the cartoon he'd see he was the 'bad guy' which would not get the cooperation he was going to need to solve things to his satisfaction. "I seem to be suffering from Retrograde Amnesia, as while I do know my name and how to perform just about any task, I don't recall any people or places. Cordelia was nice enough to let me borrow her pool house last night, to see if sleeping on it would solve matters. Alas, it has not."

"Well, your command of the English language and dictation seems to have improved," Giles offered absently as he cleaned his glasses.

"Was it deficient before?" Lex asked curious as to what this Xander had been like.

"Only to British people," Buffy quickly assured him.

Giles sighed and put back on his glasses.

"What do you remember?" Willow asked anxiously.

Lex started listing off academic fields and continued on for several minutes, trailing off when he saw how everyone was staring at him. "What?" he asked, trying to look clueless.

"Xander… you were a C+ student," Buffy said as delicately as she could.

Lex blinked. "Seriously? I don't feel mentally handicapped."

"You weren't stupid you just didn't apply yourself," Willow quickly assured him.

"Also there is the whole sneaking around at night fighting vampires thing," Buffy added with a wince, "that really doesn't help you maintain a high grade point average, trust me on that."

"Yes, that would interfere in my studies," Lex agreed, pretending to think over things.

"You tended to be irreverent and not care about your grades, however I did notice you were quite studious when the situation called for it," Giles added.

"How do we get his memories back?" Willow demanded.

"I don't know," Giles admitted. "I'll have to do some research, but it's entirely possible that he may never regain his memories. Chaos magic is exactly what it sounds like and its side effects are not only chaotic but also extremely powerful. There is a reason no one sane dabbles in it."

"This is horrible," Willow said, sniffling as if she was just about to cry.

"How so?" Lex asked. "I may have lost my personal memories, but I can easily make new ones and I seem to be much better educated than I was previously."

"Yeah, but that big brain isn't going to help when you run into a vampire and don't remember how to fight it off and stake it," Cordelia told him.

"I know quite a few fighting styles, as long as I know what I'm facing I should be fine," Lex told her.

"You know fighting styles? How do you know fighting styles? In fact, how do you know all of this?" Buffy asked, waving her hand in the air.

"He dressed as Lex Luthor," Willow reminded her, "who was pretty much the pinnacle of human evolution according to Xander. The only reason Lex ever lost against Superman was because he was working with bad data, since he assumed that Superman was hiding malevolent intentions and wasn't what he appeared to be. It depends on the story and the writer really, but that's how Xander viewed it."

Giles nodded. "And if the spell was tapping into what Xander believed about the character then the sheer amount of knowledge he needed to fill the role… would be astounding."

"So, Xander's belief that Lex was all that means his personal memories were drowned in pretty much everything mankind has ever learned?" Cordelia asked.

"Yes, that does fit the situation," Giles said thoughtfully, "there is every possibility that Xander's memories will return in time, they are simply buried under the mountain of knowledge he has absorbed."

"That seems a reasonable explanation," Lex agreed. "Now, can someone educate me on what a Hellmouth is and how vampires are involved?"

Giles nodded. "Certainly. The world is older than you know…"

Lex listened intently to Giles' explanation, but the more he heard the angrier he got until he finally burst out, "Vampires are nothing more than cockroaches, we should scour them from the face of the Earth, raze their homes and burn them out!" He froze, realizing he'd just done what he'd been warning himself not to do, reveal himself as something other than the friend they expected. He was scrambling for an excuse when the blonde and redhead swept him up in a tight hug.

"I knew you were still you!" Willow exclaimed happily.

Giles and Cordelia let out relieved sighs and smiled, happy that Xander hadn't really changed all that much regardless of his new vocabulary.

Lex smiled and hugged the two while trying to hide his confusion. He'd figure it out in time, he always did, in the meantime he would wait and learn what he could, and then the creatures that considered humans nothing more than food… would pay.

Chapter Text

In the main lounge of Titans' Tower the group of super powered teens were watching a horror movie.

"Why do they always go into the basement?" Beast Boy asked. "Nothing good ever comes of going into the basement." He gestured at the movie they were watching.

"You gotta go into the basement sometimes, there are things that need fixing," Cyborg told him.

"Not when you suspect the house is haunted," Robin argued, "and you certainly don't do it in the middle of the night."

"It might just have been a common murderer," Raven pointed out.

"Then he can climb the stairs himself, put a little effort into my murder, not be lazy and expect me to do all the work," Beast Boy said firmly.

The widescreen TV they were watching changed from the movie they were arguing about to a flashing red screen as Robin's wrist computer started buzzing.

"Titans Go!" Robin called out as the small group of super powered teens leapt into action, running and in a couple of cases flying, towards the garage.

"What's the sitch, Rob?" Cyborg asked as they piled into his car mere moments later.

"Some cult has grabbed an entire third grade class to sacrifice to their dark god," Robin growled out angrily as he read the info on the emergency. "They're down at the South docks, warehouse 31. The police have the place blocked off, but they can't move in without endangering the children."

"Those zarbnarfs must be stopped!" Starfire declared, eyes glowing bright green.

"Me and Beast Boy can sneak in and free the children," Raven suggested calmly, praying it wasn't a cult dedicated to her father.

"And the three of us will play distraction," Robin agreed as Cyborg floored it, taking a turn on two wheels.

Beast Boy shrunk down into a small green snake and slithered up Raven's side, her hand moving to divert him from hiding in her cleavage only to find it unnecessary as he coiled around her throat like a choker. She almost flinched from the animalistic rage she felt from the normally cheerful joker as it stirred her own rage in turn and… other emotions.

Cyborg flew through the streets of Jump City with a speed and precision that was superhuman, surpassing what even a cutting edge computer could have handled, sliding around curves and slipping through holes in traffic with only centimeters to spare. "I really need to add a flight mode to my baby," he muttered to himself as the vehicle's roof lowered itself and everyone was pressed low in their seats so he could slide underneath a semi trailer.

The car screeched to a halt outside a police barricade less than three minutes later, the titanium hood of the car radiating heat that made the closest police officers step back. A detective carrying a bullhorn turned and went to approach the car when a fifty foot tall, squid headed humanoid with large leathery wings breached the surface of the water with an earth shattering roar just off the pier, causing a mass of cheering from the cultists inside the warehouse who could see him through the windows.

"Move people!" Robin ordered as they leapt from the car, Raven vanishing into the shadow of her namesake with Beast Boy in tow as Starfire took to the air and Cyborg burst through the barricade as if it was made of cardboard barely a second later, Robin just a foot behind him as they rushed for the monster, having no time to talk to the officers on the scene.

Starfire threw bolts of green fire at the mammoth abomination's head, but they barely seemed to phase the monster as it ripped open the side of the warehouse, revealing over a dozen frightened children clutching each other in the center is a magic circle, surrounded by at least that many cheering black robed lunatics, and stuck it's head inside.

"Get away from them!" Raven yelled as she phased through the wall and Beast Boy leapt off her neck, transforming into a massive green rhino that charged towards the descending tentacled head.

"No!" Starfire cried out as the tentacles swept the crying children into its mouth.

Cyborg added his sonic blasts to the others' attacks as he all but exploded through the main doors, but it just caused the giant's skin to ripple like jello as it straightened up. Beast Boy transformed into a giant squid as he clung to its face, his tentacle wrestling with it as he tried to force its mouth open.

Robin entered slightly out of breath and threw a number of explosive bird shaped knives but they simply left black marks on its thick rubbery flesh as they went off, before realizing he had nothing that could handle the foe they were facing and turned to the cultists. He pulled a pair of batons off his belt and decimated the nearby cultists with a series of brutal strikes, searching for who was in charge so he could ask some pointed questions of them.

A dozen police officers rushed in, adding to the melee and quickly subdued the still standing lunatics who were laughing and chanting in some strange language, making no move to defend themselves.

"Alright, we've got them, you can release the children now," the detective called out through his bullhorn, causing the superheroes to pause for a moment, allowing the creature to lay its head down on the pier and open its enormous mouth, a bright green glow coming from the interior.

"It's like a bouncy castle in here!" a young child's voice called out amid a chorus of childrens' laughter.

Everyone paused, even the cultists.

"He's trying to lure people in?" one of the cultists asked hopefully.

A tentacle reached inside and pulled a small child out, setting her down.

"No fair!" the little girl yelled. "I wanted more time in the bouncy place!"

More tentacles dove inside, pulling out various disappointed children and setting them on the ground, the giant's body shrinking until just the massive head remained as one young boy's voice called out, "You'll never catch me!"

"Go Billy, Go!" the children started cheering on the third grader, who was apparently very talented at avoiding tentacles.

"What did we do wrong?" one of the cuffed cultists asked another, only to receive a confused shrug in reply as they were pushed into the back of a police car.

"I'll get him," Beast Boy said, transforming into a chimpanzee and climbing into its mouth.

"What just happened?" Starfire asked, confused.

"You are good," Beast Boy's admiring voice could be heard from inside the giant head, "but I'm better. Gotcha!" The green teen walked out of the mouth with a laughing eight year old boy under his arm.

The head shrunk down and shifted into a man.

"Lex Luthor!" Robin exclaimed, gripping his batons tightly.

"Thanks for your assistance Mr. Luthor," the police detective said, shaking his hand as the children gathered around Starfire who was broadly smiling and seemed as excited to meet them as they were to meet her.

"It's no problem, Detective Miller, I'm just glad I could help," Xander told him.

"How are you involved?" Robin demanded.

"I was heading for the Jump City museum of natural history and noticed the bus full of kids heading in the opposite direction. Normally I wouldn't have thought anything of it, but the guys in robes set off alarm bells and the kids looked upset," Xander explained. "So, I called the cops and followed behind, blending in with traffic."

"You noticed all of that just from a glance?" Cyborg asked with a frown.

"How smart are you?" Xander asked dryly.

"Don't like to toot my own horn, but I do happen to have a number of patents and have destroyed many IQ tests," he said smugly.

"And could you have noticed all that at a glance?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty good about these things," Cyborg agreed.

"And how smart am I?" Xander asked with a smirk.

Cyborg opened his mouth, paused and then nodded. "Yeah, point taken."

"And what were you planning to do at the museum?" Beast Boy asked suspiciously.

"They have a 'mummies from around the world' exhibit that might or might not contain a person or two suspended between life and death for a number of centuries," Xander explained.

"Excuse me," Detective Miller said, before anyone else could comment, "could you expand on that a bit?"

"Sure," Xander agreed. "Many of the cultures who practiced mummification also practiced magic, and one of their punishments for crimes was to wrap someone in bandages, cast spells so they couldn't die, and then entomb them. As long as the seals are intact they stay asleep, but you know how nosy archeologists are. I figured I'd stop by and take a look before they ended up remaking a classic monster movie."

Raven's eyes narrowed. "That's not the whole story."

"No, I am also really, really bored," Xander admitted. "It's been almost three weeks since I last harassed Superman, but since I'm trying to be a better person I need to find something else to do. I mean, seriously, why waste tens of thousands of dollars irradiating emeralds to mess with him when I can just find something more productive to do?"

Everyone just stared at him.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," Raven said dryly.

"Are living mummies really a serious possibility?" Detective Miller asked.

"I've seen it happen," Xander told him. "It sucks for them and everyone around them, their time is past. It's best just to put them down and let them pass into the afterlife." He clapped his hands. "Now, I would suggest taking selfies with the kids and signing autographs while playing up what an adventure it was, because we want them to look back on this as an exciting day and not something to be traumatized over."

"You can't just put people down because they are inconvenient," Robin argued.

"We can do that?" Beast Boy asked nearly at the same time. "The keeping kids from being traumatized thing, not the killing mummies thing," he quickly explained.

Xander turned to Beast Boy. "Yes, children are very resilient and take their cues from the people around them, pretend everything is exciting and they'll decide it was rather than horrifying, that's why I turned my insides into a bouncy castle," He turned back to Robin. "It's not that they're inconvenient, it's that being turned into that type of undead they usually have to drain the living to remain alive themselves."

"Is he right?" Robin and Beast Boy asked Raven in chorus.

"Yes to both," Raven replied. "At least as far as I know what he said is correct in both cases."

"Turn into a unicorn, that ponies show should make the kids excited to see you," Xander told Beast Boy.

"Magical animals are hard to control," Beast Boy said, "the instincts of even magical herbivores are worse than what I deal with turning into massive predators."

"Oh, if only you knew someone who could help you with that problem," Xander said melodramatically, "someone who knows about strengthening mental defenses and meditation." He shifted into a small purple winged pony and trotted over to the children who cheered and gathered around him, petting anywhere they could reach.

"Raven?" Beast Boy said with a sigh.

"Yes?" she asked dryly.

"Will you help me learn to control my instincts when I change into magical animals?"

"Will you actually work on it and not just goof off?" she countered, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm very serious about controlling my powers, can't afford not to be," Beast Boy said solemnly.

"I know the feeling," Raven said. "We can start work on it once we get back to the tower. Now, turn into a small pony, the fact that you're green and can talk will cover the lack of magical additions."

"I should have thought of that myself," Beast Boy realized, shaking his head before turning into a green pony, Raven floating up to land on him as he headed towards the children.

"I can't believe Lex Luthor helped us rescue a bunch of children without being paid," Robin said, deciding to join the kids getting autographs from his teammates.

"I can't believe Lex Luthor watched Pretty Pretty Pegasus," Cyborg said.

Jump City Museum of Natural History

"And my plan is foiled by not thinking things through once more," Xander said with a frown as he looked at the display of various mummies from different cultures.

"You forgot to bring someone who could detect magic," Raven said, causing him to jump.

Xander spun around. "Yeah, that would be the flaw in my brilliant plan," he agreed, wondering how the entire team had snuck up behind him, "thankfully you are here."

"And you expect us to help you?" Robin asked with a glare.

"No, he expects us to help the city," she replied dryly.

"Bingo," Xander agreed, still finding the instinctive hostility he got from the more serious heroes amusing. "Figure out if any of these are going to be a problem, let the local grave robbers know not to touch them, and then call the Justice League to deal with it."

"You weren't planning on dealing with it yourself?" Cyborg asked.

Xander shook his head. "This is the kind of thing you let the professionals handle, like Dr. Fate or Zantanna."

"Dude, how did you pick up shape changing?" Beast Boy asked.

"He copied Plastic Man's powers and enhanced them somehow," Robin replied before he could answer.

"Huh, I'd have thought you'd have gone with Superman's," Cyborg said.

"I could have, but then I'd be related to Kal El and even if I'm not being a dick to him anymore… it'd be kinda uncomfortable. Plus, being a shapeshifter is awesome."

"He's not wrong," Beast Boy agreed, rapidly shifting through several forms.

"Why have you changed?" Raven asked.

"Ask the Justice League," Xander suggested, "they did an interrogation on my motives and everything to make sure I was on the up and up. I really don't like talking about it."

"They don't have any hard facts, only suppositions," Robin admitted.

"And some surveillance footage," Cyborg added, his electronic eye glowing as he looked over the footage.

Xander chuckled. "I got a chance to see reality as it really was… and I was not playing the role I thought I was."

"Supervillain?" Starfire asked.

Xander chuckled. "Everyone is a hero in their own mind, especially the villains, princess."

"Hey," Robin bristled, "don't be so disrespectful. Starfire is a valuable member of our team."

"Princess Koriand'r of Tamaran, second in line for the throne," Xander replied.

The rest of her teammates turned and stared at her.

"I did not mention that?" she asked.

"No, I think I'd remember," Cyborg said.

"Oh," Starfire replied, "well I am."

"The road between Tamaran and Earth is not an easy one," Xander said. "I wouldn't bug her about it. Anyway, I saw that I wasn't playing the role I thought I was… and I was taking life far too seriously, so I quit."

"Quit taking life so seriously or your role?" Raven asked.

"Both," Xander replied. "Feel anything from the mummies?"

Raven turned and scanned the exhibit. Her eyes widened after a moment. "I can feel that two of them are… sleeping, not quite dead."

"Which ones?" Beast Boy asked, leaning forward.

"Back up five feet," Xander ordered the green teen, moving in between him and the display.

"What gives?!" Beast Boy asked, hopping back, arms half raised in defense.

"Murphy likes to hang around you at times and we don't need any accidents waking them, both because it's likely to cause fatalities and because it's unfair to them to come back to life only to be killed hours later," Xander said. "In fact, we should all probably move back and wait for the Justice League to handle it."

"Murphy?" Cyborg asked as they all moved away, as they silently agreed he may have a point and they didn't want to start a fight in a place with historic artifacts.

"Are you saying I'm bad luck?!" Beast Boy demanded.

"No, bad luck would be predictable," Xander told him, "you go from good to bad at random times, it might be a psychic power or curse or ability. I mean, how many times have you screwed things up 'accidentally' only to somehow get lucky and save the day?"

The Titans considered that for a minute, exchanging glances and twitches that probably spoke volumes to each other, but said nothing to Xander.

"On the whole his good luck has far out weighted his bad," Cyborg said.

Xander nodded. "Yeah, that's why I said it might be a power, trading a little bad luck for more good luck later. I think Jinx may have a conscious version of that power."

"You'd think I'd notice," Beast Boy complained.

"We can all see it now," Robin told him, "there's definitely something there."

"Sometimes it takes a look from outside in to notice these things," Xander suggested with a chuckle. "Have one of you called the League? I would but I'm…"

"An ex villain?" Starfire suggested.

"Lex Luthor," Raven said.

"Kinda shady," Cyborg offered.

"I like the last one," Xander decided before anyone else could chime in, "let's go with that." He ignored the chuckles. "Anyway, one of you needs to call the League and let them know this is not an immediate emergency but it could become one, so it should be handled as quickly as possible."

"On it," Cyborg said, his electronic eye glowing.

"So what are you concentrating on these days?" Raven asked curiously.

"Yeah, you probably have a lot more free time," Beast Boy said, leaning against a pillar.

"Trying to be less of a dick, waiting for my Mercys to return from Themyscira, inventing things and then realizing they are too dangerous to release to the public," Xander said thoughtfully. "I'm also going over all the company practices and deals that have happened over the last couple of years to see where people have been acting stupidly evil and trying to fix that."

"Mercys?" Robin asked, realizing Lex was speaking of his assistant in the plural. "Did you clone her?"

"Why does everyone always ask me that?" Xander asked.

There was a flash of light as Dr. Fate appeared before he turned and with a gesture, threw golden chains of light at Xander.

Chapter Text

Xander's head snapped to the side as the golden chains formed of order magic wrapped around him, binding his arms to his side. "Quick, scratch my nose!" he ordered Starfire.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned towards him.

"What? Every time I've been tied up my nose started itching," Xander explained.

Starfire shrugged and scratched his nose.

Xander let out a relieved sigh. "Thanks for that."

"You are very welcome," the orange skinned alien replied. "You are not upset about being restrained?"

"You expected this," Robin said suspiciously.

"Of course, I'm Lex Luthor," Xander said cheerfully, as Dr. Fate turned his attention to the mummy display and began making arcane gestures.

Beast Boy blinked and tilted his head. "You expected this because you're a super genius or because that's the way heroes tend to respond to you?"

Xander grinned. "Yes."

Cyborg chuckled. "You walked right into that one."

"I would like a non-smartass answer please," Raven requested politely.

Xander nodded. "Understandable. The League is understandably paranoid about me and anything I am involved in, plus I'm a bit chaotic. Dr. Fate, being both a member of the League and a Lord of Order, would naturally respond this way to ensure I am out of the way while he deals with this problem."

There was the sounds of birds crying in the distance and a wave of heat swept over everyone, drawing their attention to the helmed hero as a white mist arose from two of the mummies and vanished into a direction their eyes couldn't follow.

Dr. Fate turned back to them and gestured with his left hand, dissolving the golden chains around Lex Luthor. "You are beloved by Chaos."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Xander exclaimed, holding up his hands. "Love is a bit strong. I would say I am liked by Chaos, possibly thought of fondly, but not loved. Okay, there is that one night I don't remember all the details of…" He rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

Dr. Fate simply stared at him for a moment, unable to form a reply.

"Are you bangin' a universal constant?" Cyborg asked cautiously.

"That's doubtful," Dr. Fate replied dryly, "and when dealing with Chaos, It is the one who does the… banging."

"Okay, I may have been roofied by Chaos," Xander admitted with a shrug. "Back to the matter at hand. Mummies dealt with?"

"They have been granted release from their mortal coil," Dr. Fate replied.

"Huh, didn't spot Didi, but then you did distract me with the chains and all," Xander said with a shrug. "Since you're here, I'd check for cursed artifacts and cultists."

"Didi?" Raven muttered.

"Cursed artifacts and cultists?" Dr. Fate asked. "What leads you to believe things of that nature could be found here?"

"Well, we just dealt with a bunch of cultists at the pier, and cultists usually sprout from people who come into contact with forbidden knowledge, which is usually dug up from ancient tombs and the like. Basically, archeology is a lot more exciting and dangerous than most people think. As for artifacts, magical items are more resistant to the passage of time, so the best-preserved items from the past are usually magical ones," Xander explained.

Dr. Fate nodded thoughtfully. "I'll have to put aside some time to check all the public museums."

"Did you chain up Lex Luthor because he's Lex Luthor or because he's chaotic?" Beast Boy asked.

"Yes," Dr. Fate replied before he vanished in a flash of light.

Beast Boy groaned. "Twice in one day!"

Xander snickered. "An order mage with a sense of humor, will wonders never cease."

"Who's Didi?" Raven asked, not allowing him to sidetrack her.

"Teleute, otherwise known as Death of The Endless or as she prefers to be called, Didi," Xander explained.

"Death, death?" Beast Boy asked. "Bony guy with a scythe?"

"That's the one, but She prefers to take the form of a goth woman in her early twenties with a black ankh over one eye," he replied. "I figured if someone stuck between life and death were to pass on, I would see her, since I know of her existence."

"And you call her Didi?" Cyborg asked in disbelief.

"She wants to be called Didi," Xander said, "she's not big on formality."

"Death looks like friend Raven?" Starfire asked.

"Her skin is pure white, and she has much shorter hair, also not nearly as much in the hips and rear," Xander said as he examined a blushing Raven who pulled her cloak around herself. "She's like eighty percent goth and twenty percent punk rock in style, if you want to be picky, but it works for her."

"You've actually seen her or is this all just theoretical?" Cyborg asked.

"Everyone meets her when they are born and then again when they die, but I haven't gotten a chance to talk with her in this life," Xander replied with a shrug.

"You wish to meet her," Raven stated.

Xander sighed. "Mercy and… Mercy are training with the amazons, so I'm both lonely and bored, plus I wanted to ask her a few questions."

"You want to ask Death a few questions," Cyborg said, giving him a look like he was a few screws short.

"Didi is kindness itself," Xander told him firmly. "Death doesn't kill people the way you think of it, she collects them when their life ends and walks with them to their final destination, ensuring they aren't alone."

"Easy there, he wasn't saying anything bad about death," Beast Boy said, "just about you being crazy enough to bug… her."

Xander relaxed. "Oh, that's okay then. She's omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient and probably about every other omni you've got, so it really wouldn't take up any of her time in any real way, so I doubt I'd be bugging her and if I was… she simply wouldn't show up."

"And she hasn't," Raven pointed out.

Xander sighed. "Yeah, I guess I would be bugging her then." He shrugged. "Well, saved some kids, put some undead to rest… it's been a worthwhile day. I'll simply find something else to do."

"Like what?" Robin asked, eyes narrowed, but not nearly as suspicious as he had been.

"Go through thrift shops, looking for unusual items, maybe see if there is an old Chinese man selling something called a Mogwai," Xander said with a shrug. "I'll play it by ear."

"I do not believe there are any Mogwais on this planet, but I am also not sure," Starfire admitted.

"Star, Mogwais don't exist, that was just a movie," Raven told her.

Starfire shook her head. "Mogwais are indeed real. The Psions created and released them on their enemies over twenty thousand years ago, though I have not heard of any proven cases of them in well over a thousand years. Truthfully, they were less than successful as a weapon of war."

The other Titans exchanged glances.

"Looks like you're going to have some company while hitting the thrift stores," Beast Boy told Xander.

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea," Xander agreed.

Raven gave Starfire a suspicious look, but Starfire just tilted her head and looked at her cluelessly in return. After Raven turned back to the others Starfire forced herself not to grin, carefully controlling her emotions so Raven couldn't sense them as she followed the others out of the museum and promised herself, she would laugh freely when they realized she'd pranked them.

Ben filled out the final form he needed for registration and passed it across the table for Batman to look at while the founding members of the League, as well as a couple of additional heroes looked over copies of his file, and occationally glanced at the black clad hero.

"This is acceptable," the caped crusader said with a nod. "Welcome to the Justice League. If you want to operate in Gotham, I'll need you to do a month's worth of patrols with people of my choosing, however you are cleared to work anywhere else the League sends you."

"Thank you, let me know the patrol schedule and I'll make myself available," Ben said, his voice pitched low with a raspy growl that was similar to Batman's and in fact he had based on him. He leaned back in his chair. "I'm told you have someone in the League who could help me get in contact with Anasi," he said and fell silent.

Batman considered that and gave a slow nod. "I can think of several with the appropriate background."

"I'll handle it," The Question offered, getting to his feet and gesturing for Spider Noir to follow him. "I hope you have a couple of days free and haven't eaten recently."

"Just coffee, black like my soul," Spider Noir replied solemnly.

"Good, that won't react negatively to the mushrooms," the blue trench coated hero replied. "We'll transport down to an Amerind shaman I know, and he can walk us through it."

The door closed behind the two heroes who took their fashion advice from fifties era detectives and Flash turned to Batman. "Are we just going to ignore the fact that Lex Luthor actually went into a comic book and rescued the Scarlet Spider?"

"We have not confirmed that as he has the right to privacy just like anyone else," Batman said, "and while his origins are unusual, all our tests say he's a good fit for the League."

The Flash nodded. "Yeah, I have no problem with that, my problem is with Lex Luthor being able to do something like that."

"And what can we do?" Superman asked. "As far as I know there are no laws against dimensional travel."

"I approve of what he chose to do with the ability," Wonder Woman offered.

"Yeah, I'm not disagreeing with that," Flash assured her, "I'm just concerned with him having that much power."

"He's always had that much power," Superman said, "it's just until recently he spent most of it trying to kill me."

"Are we certain he's stopped?" Green Arrow asked.

"As much as I'd like to be suspicious of him, considering past events, he doesn't seem to care about me anymore," Superman said. "If I didn't know any better, I would say he'd been replaced with someone else."

"Are we sure he hasn't?" Green Arrow asked. "Sometimes the obvious answers are the right ones."

"Do you know how to tell when a Kryptonian has undressed you with their eyes?" Superman asked dryly.

"How?" Green Arrow asked, wondering what that had to do with anything.

"The burns," Superman said with a sigh as The Flash started laughing, getting the joke before anyone else.

"Why don't Kryptonians have bosses?"

"Why?" The Flash asked with a grin.

"Because they already have supervision," Superman said with a groan. "He sent me over three hundred awful jokes and puns. If he's still trying to kill me, it's by annoying me to death now."

There was a flash of light and Dr. Fate appeared and took a seat.

"Report?" Batman requested.

"Two of the mummies in the museum were undead, it's been taken care of," Dr. Fate replied. "What did I miss?"

"Just a discussion about Lex Luthor and Spider Noir being accepted as a new member," Batman replied.

"Coincidentally, Lex Luthor was at the museum," Dr. Fate noted, catching everyone's attention.

Batman started tapping away at the display set into the table and brought up footage from Jump City police on their recent capture of a group of cultists and the report filed by Robin, the others following along on the screens set into the table's surface.

"He seems to work well with the police," Wonder Woman noted.

"According to Robin, Luthor spotted the cultists while he was on his way to the museum and reported it to the police, they followed him to the museum afterwards where Luthor requested they call for the League to handle the mummies," Batman said. "Apparently he's lonely and bored without Mercy so he's just wandering around looking for something to do."

"Well, at least he's found something productive to do," Superman said.

"Now… he's with the Titans searching for Mogwai," Batman noted.

"Gremlins?" The Flash asked. "That's not something that exists… right?"

"No, according to Robin it's his alien teammate's attempt at a prank that he's going along with, though Luthor does seem to be taking it seriously," Batman replied.

"Is that because he's fallen for the prank or does he know something we don't know?" The Flash asked with a frown.

Everyone exchanged glances.

"Maybe we should look into this," Wonder Woman suggested.

"I'll start in Asia," Superman said as he stood up.

Chapter Text

"You guys may want to dress down a bit before we go poking around the second hand shops," Xander suggested.

"What is wrong with the way we are attired?" Starfire asked curiously.

"We'd attract too much attention," Robin said with a frown. "We're not going to trust you with our civilian IDs."

"You don't need to use your civilian IDs, you just need to not look out of place browsing thrift shops," Xander pointed out.

"It's kinda hard for most of us to blend in," Beast Boy argued. "Not many green, orange, and gray people in the Bay, ya know?"

"Holograms or glamours," Xander suggested, "both of which you should be able to handle with little to no effort. I can build wrist watches that project holographic disguises on you easy. Not so hot with the mojo, but even there you have options."

"Really?" Cyborg asked, perking up. "I got a pair of holographic rings when I infiltrated Hive, but they burned out pretty quickly."

"Brother Blood runs Hive if I remember it right and he probably cursed the rings to burn out if you turned on him," Xander said. "Calling him a bit of a dick is understating things, but if you want something to replace them I can help you whip some up, that way you can repair or replace them when they get damaged."

"You are being suspiciously helpful," Robin said, searching Luthor's face for clues as to what his plan was.

"I'm trying to be less of a dick these days," Xander told him. "It's turned out to be a lot easier than I thought it would be, though it's making the Justice League even more paranoid which I am still enough of a dick to find amusing."

Beast Boy laughed. "You are certainly something."

Cyborg looked towards Raven who nodded that his emotions indicated that he was telling the truth. "Okay, let's go get our science on!"

Thirty minutes later…

"Hit it," Xander said as he leaned on the workbench in Cyborg's lab.

"But I thought one had to be careful with electronics," Starfire said, making a fist to punch the bulky steel gray watch on her left wrist.

"No!" Cyborg called out, stopping her from destroying it.

"It's an expression," Raven explained. "He means activate it, which in this case is simply pushing the little silver button on the side."

Xander was almost positive that the alien princess was messing with them, but if so she was a master at it, since even the team's empath couldn't tell.

Starfire tapped the side of the watch and her dark orange skin faded into a deep tan while her eyes changed from a solid glowing green to regular, if striking, bright green eyes. "How do I look?" she asked nervously.

"You look great!" Beast Boy exclaimed and gestured towards a mirror.

Stafire examined herself. "I look like a normal human… which I am not. I do not think I mind, but I would much rather look like myself."

"It's just for disguise purposes," Robin quickly assured her, "we'd much rather you look like yourself too."

Her smile lit up the room, causing Xander to check the light meter and find the average luminosity of the room actually did increase, so it was probably part of her power.

"Does it have to be so… bulky?" Raven asked with a frown.

"Yeah, Star's does," Cyborg replied. "It's reinforced so she doesn't have to worry about accidentally damaging it and it has a built in photon screening system so it won't interfere in her ability to absorb solar energy while it's active."

"It also tells time and can be used to track additional units so you'll be able to find each other if separated or you've switched disguises," Xander added.

"It has more settings?" she asked curiously.

"You can program in dozens of different disguises allowing you to blend in with any racial group," Cyborg explained. "Right now it's set for Irish, since it fits with the red hair and green eyes."

"Can it do costumes?" Beast Boy asked. "Being able to switch outfits would be great since I'm kinda limited in what I can wear because of the shifting unless I want to end up naked all the time."

"To a limited degree," Xander replied. "It's not going to change skin tight spandex into a ball gown, but you can make it look like jeans and a T-shirt without a problem."

"It's bluetooth enabled," Cyborg told Starfire. "You can connect to your cellphone and use it to put in additional disguises."

"Do you understand the technology?" Robin asked Cyborg, still on guard in case Luthor was pulling something.

"Yeah," Cyborg agreed cheerfully. "I can't believe I didn't come up with it myself, it's totally intuitive and Lex is a great teacher!"

"How long will it take you to make ones for the rest of the team?" Robin asked.

"Already done," Cyborg replied, passing out slender black watches to the other members of his team. "Mine and Star's were what took so long, the rest of yours we threw together from already available parts."

"Where's yours?" Beast Boy asked as he put his on.

"Internal module," Cyborg said, tapping his chest and causing his shiny metal additions to take on the appearance of normal human skin. "It'll still feel like metal if you touch me, but I can blend in with a crowd… as much as someone my size can anyway."

"Cool," Beast Boy said with a grin before hitting a button on his watch and changing back into the blonde haired blue eyed self he'd been born as. "Dude, I look normal!" he explained, dancing in place. "Even my teeth and ears look fine!"

"What's the battery life?" Robin asked, already thinking of how they could be used for stakeouts or tailing someone.

"Four hours in complete darkness, six to eight in normal indoor conditions, and no limit in full sunlight," Xander replied. "They also have a wireless charging system that just requires you to be within three feet of a power outlet with the dongle plugged in to charge."

"You can also plug the dongle into a fully charged cellphone to drain it for an additional two hours of charge," Cyborg added, joining Beast Boy in posing in front of the mirror.

"Can you turn off the trackers?" Robin asked.

"It defaults to on, but you can turn it off in the settings," Xander told him.

"Thanks, this is awesome," Beast Boy told Xander. "I could have a secret identity if I wanted one now."

"I'd feel better if it had a longer battery life, but this is pretty amazing," Robin admitted.

"I could make a battery that lasts a month on a single charge, but it would take a full day to recharge and requires a tenth of a gram of kryptonite in a wafer between matching gold shielding," Xander offered. He shrugged as the Titans turned to stare at him. "I did a lot of research on kryptonite while being a dick."

"I'm going to want that battery design," Cyborg said.

"Cyborg!" Beast Boy scolded him.

"What? Properly shielded and in such small amounts, Superman wouldn't even notice it," he defended himself.

"It's what I use for my cellphone," Xander offered, "and Superman hasn't complained or even noticed."

"That is useful," Robin said with a thoughtful frown.

"Just make sure not to skimp on the shielding," Xander lectured, "It is a radioactive element, though when properly shielded, bananas put off more radiation."

"Seriously?" Beast Boy asked.

Xander nodded. "Bananas are rich in Potassium-40 which is a natural isotope. Normal background radiation is a hundred times stronger."

"So they're safe?" Raven asked.

"Both the bananas and the batteries, though don't eat the batteries," Xander agreed. "I'll send you the battery design later. Everyone ready to hunt Mogwais?"

Beast Boy's stomach growled. "And pizza," he added. "It's about lunch time."

Xander was pretty sure they weren't going to find a Mogwai after a couple of hours searching through second hand stores and pawn shops, but he had found several devices that were either alien tech or possibly 60's era children's toys, half a dozen books that might be valuable magical primers or complete frauds, and a sweet electric guitar that he'd slung on his back as soon as he'd bought it.

The Titans had raised some eyebrows when he'd shifted into Xander Harris and replaced his expensive suit with worn Levi's and a leather jacket, but he'd brushed it off as just him trying to blend in, which the world famous Lex Luthor could hardly do.

Robin's phone rang and he stopped examining the tray of rings to answer it, "John here, what's up?" he asked.

Xander found it amusing how far Dick had gone to try and hide his identity, grabbing clothes to match Xander's and using a black wig which he removed after using the holographic disguise to try and make Xander believe he'd been wearing it the whole time and black wasn't his natural hair color.

"I know the place," Robin said, "be there in five, bye."

Xander examined a small battery powered amp and set it down when Robin approached him.

"Anne may have found something. Stay here," he ordered, "I'll be right back."

"How bout I meet you at the fountain?" Xander countered. "I wanna grab a coffee and see if I can still play guitar."

Robin considered that for a second then nodded. "I'll meet you there."

Xander took another look at the amp and decided to purchase it. "You got any batteries?" he asked as he headed for the counter, snagging a gray fedora on the way.

"That thing eats batteries like a dieter in a donut shop," the teen behind the counter warned him, "but yeah, we have D-cells."

"I'll take the amp, enough batteries to fill it, this fedora," Xander noticed a small bird cage behind the counter and grinned, "and that cage."

"Cool, let me grab the batteries and ring you up."

Ten minutes later…

"Well, I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind," Xander sang as his fingers danced across the strings of his electric guitar, a crowd gathered around an impressive amount of money thrown into his upturned hat.

He'd had to tune his vocal chords to match the actual singer and he was leaning on Lex's guitar skills more than his own, but he thought he was doing justice to the song which the crowd seemed to agree with.

The Titans had arrived halfway through Here Without You and once they'd gotten over the shock had seemed to enjoy his singing.

Xander wrapped up the song as the crowd applauded and a high pitched voice squeaked out, "Kryptonite!" from the covered cage sitting by his side.

As Xander picked up his hat and pocketed the money the crowd dispersed, sensing the concert was over, and the Titans quickly rushed over to him.

"Dude that rocked!" Beast Boy exclaimed.

"That was five flavors of awesome," Cyborg added.

"What's in the cage?!" Robin demanded.

"Something that won't react well to sunlight," Xander told him.

The Titans all turned to stare at the cage wide eyed as a high pitched voice muttered some of the words of the last song.

"You found one," Raven said in disbelief.

"We'll need to run some tests, it could just be a mutated monkey," Xander told her. "Well, probably more of an ape, no tail."

"One, how would we test that, throw water on him?" Beast Boy asked as they headed for a parking garage where they'd parked the T-car, "and B, where did you learn to play like that?!"

Xander grinned. "I was thinking more of using an eye dropper and a single drop of water to start and who didn't try and start a band in high school?" He desperately hoped no recordings of Lex's high school band Sex Luthor surfaced, he'd never live them down.

"He's got you there," Cyborg agreed. "I play a pretty mean set of drums myself."

"I can't believe you put out a hat to collect money, you are beyond rich," Raven pointed out as they got in the car, Stafire holding the cage while Xander put his new amp and guitar in his lap with Beast Boy holding his backpack.

"Exactly," Robin said with approval, "Lex Luthor wouldn't have done that, but he was pretending to be your average teen."

"Plus, I'm pretty sure I paid for my guitar and the batteries I bought for my amp with that little performance," Xander said with a smug grin.

"Do you write your own songs?" Raven asked.

"I steal them from alternate realities," Xander admitted. "Just because they weren't written here doesn't mean people shouldn't get to hear them."

"What? Seriously?" Beast Boy asked, looking through what Xander had bought at the second hand shops.

"Some realities have really good music," Xander said with a shrug.

"Couldn't you use that to cure cancer or something?" Cyborg asked as he pulled into traffic.

"Yes and no," Xander said. "It's the same reason Superman and Green Lantern don't hand out alien tech."

"It'd hamper humanity's development, possibly cripple us in the long run, and may have unforeseen consequences," Robin said. "I've talked to the old man about it."

"Yeah, same reason I don't release more than a fraction of the things I think up," Xander said, "it'd cause more problems than it would solve. Slow and steady is the way to go."

"This has been the weirdest day ever for us," Cyborg decided, "start off with a cult kidnapping a bunch of little kids, get in a fight with what we thought was Cthulhu, end up calling in Dr. Fate to lay a couple of honest to god mummies to rest, follow that up by hunting for Mogwai and then discover Lex Luthor pirates music from other universes, and now here we are discussing ethics with him."

"Dude!" Beast Boy said excitedly, pulling a ray gun out of Xander's backpack. "This looks like an authentic Dr. Atomic freeze ray!"

"I got it for a buck fifty," Xander said.

"They have freeze rays for that little?" Starfire asked.

"No, it's from a cartoon I watched while I was a kid," Beast Boy told her, "it's just a toy. Didn't know you were a fan."

"I'm not," Xander replied, "I thought it might be real."

The teens burst out laughing.

Xander rolled his eyes. "I picked up several things I couldn't figure out if they were alien tech or old futuristic toys without taking them apart just in case."

"That was probably a good idea," Robin said with an approving nod, "the last thing we need is for some kid to get their hands on a working laser pistol or something similar."

"So what are you going to do with it now that you know it's a toy?" Beast Boy asked, hoping to add it to his collection.

"Clean it up, open it up, and turn it into a working freeze ray," Xander said with a grin.

"You can-" Beast Boy asked before breaking off mid question, "of course you can, you're Lex Luthor."

"I believe the full name is Lex 'Flipping' Luthor when you say something like that," Xander joked.

"He what?" Superman asked, sure she'd misheard.

"Robin reported that Lex Luthor actually found a Mogwai or something similar matching the base description in a second hand store in Jump City," Batman replied.

After a few seconds of silence Batman added, "They're taking it to the tower to run some tests. It's entirely possible it is not nearly as dangerous as the movies made them out to be. Personally I always found its method of reproduction to be unbelievable considering the replication of mass involved."

Superman just stared at her friend.

"What?" he asked.

Chapter Text

Xander pulled the cover off the cage, revealing a small, furry, brown and white creature to the teens. A small furry creature that bore a definite resemblance to an animatronic in a famous 80's movie.

"The thick brown fur over his lip makes it look like he has a Burt Reynolds style mustache," Beast Boy noted, breaking the silence in the dimly lit lab.

"It's a Mogwai," Starfire said in disbelief.

"I wonder if the movie Gremlins was based on a true story," Robin said thoughtfully, already planning on searching for disasters that had either been covered up or fallen through the cracks.

"We don't know that it's a Mogwai, just that it resembles one," Cyborg corrected them. "We'll need to run some tests to be sure."

"Glass of water," Xander said cheerfully, handing a full glass of water to Beast Boy.

"No!" the rest of the Teen Titans cried out, already seeing the disaster this would cause.

Unfortunately the screams of the four startled the green skinned shapeshifter, causing him to throw the glass of water up into the air.

The superheroes watched in horror as the glass tumbled in midair, flinging its contents into the small furred being, knocking it to the floor of its cage.

"Ahhh!" the little creature squealed as if in pain while a dozen small balls of fur popped off it with the sound of popcorn popping, their tiny size letting them fly right out of the cage.

"This is bad," Raven said as the tiny balls of fur unfolded themselves, growing in size, until they all resembled variations of the creature inside the cage.

"Quick, catch them!" Robin ordered.

"Sealing the lab!" Cyborg called out as all the possible exits to his lab slammed shut.

Xander watched as the team sprang into action, scooping up the adorable little bundles of chaos and holding them tightly. "I think we've got confirmation on them being Mogwais now," he offered cheerfully.

The five superheroes, arms filled with the brown and white furred little creatures, just turned and stared at him in disbelief.

"What?" Xander asked, trying to sound as clueless as possible.

"This is a disaster," Cyborg moaned.

"No, this is a marketing opportunity," Xander disagreed.

"Marketing opportunity?" Robin asked in disbelief.

"Yes," Xander said. "If you thought the show about meerkats was popular, imagine setting up a little colony of these babies!"

"You are far too amused," Raven said, eyes narrowing as she unconsciously cuddled the two Mogwai in her arms.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Xander asked. "Your guy's reactions to harmless little Mogwais are hilarious!"

"Harmless little… oh," Beast Boy said in understanding as he examined the little brown and white creatures he was holding.

"What am I missing?" Cyborg asked.

"Gremlins are dangerous, Mogwais are simply cute," Raven said.

"Oh, yeah," Cyborg said as they all calmed down," as long as you don't turn them into gremlins they're safe."

"Sorry about this, guys," Beast Boy apologized.

"Why did you give Beast Boy a glass of water?" Robin asked Xander.

Xander shrugged. "I figured we'd get it out of the way."

"Get it out of… Yeah, this was totally going to happen," Beast Boy admitted.

"They are very much of the cute, but also contain danger," Starfire cautioned, wondering how her prank had turned out this way.

"You are far too amused," Robin said thoughtfully, as he examined Xander, echoing Raven's earlier statement.

"Moi?" Xander replied, pretending to be shocked.

Robin sighed. "I'd forgotten how divergent your use of Plastic Man's power set was." He dropped the Mogwai he was holding, which bounced like rubber balls.

The teens dropped the Mogwai one by one, watching them bounce and giggle.

"You can do the split off thing," Beast Boy said with a groan. "I can't believe we didn't see that!"

Xander laughed and reabsorbed the furry little muppets until only the one in the cage remained.

"Tadah!" Burt called out, waving the little cowboy hat he pulled out from behind his back.

"Why?" Robin asked in confusion.

Xander placed a hand on Robin's shoulder and looked him dead in the eye. "Because it was funny, no more, no less." He stepped back and grinned. "It was fairly obvious early on that the odds of us just being in the right place at the right time to find a Mogwai was ridiculous. Seriously, this is the type of thing you kick up to the League to handle, since a world wide search is the only way to be sure, so I decided to have a little fun with it."

"Is this a bad time to mention I was also playing in the pranking?" Starfire asked nervously.

"You were pranking us?" Beast Boy asked in disbelief.

"Yes, you have been made the fool," she said with a grin.

"Good one, Star," Cyborg said, clapping her on the back. "We didn't even see it coming."

"I don't know how you managed to keep a straight… face?" Beast Boy finished, confused. "How come Raven didn't pick it up?" he asked.

"I hid my emotions," Starfire said brightly.

"Your powers are an expression of your emotions, of course you'd have the emotional control to pull it off," Xander realized. "And here I thought you were serious about Mogwais existing."

"Oh, I was," Starfire said, "or at least something of similar design created by the Psions, but then the Psions created so many things that it's hard not to watch the movies of horror and not compare it to one of their experiments."

"Creatures that perish in sunlight aren't exactly a problem for people who can throw bolts of concentrated sunlight," Xander said.

"Or any other advanced species," Starfire added. "The Spider Guild kept them on farms for their meat and fur before a plague wiped out their supply. They have offered a very large reward and to not eat the one collecting it for a live specimen, that is how I know they are extinct."

"But you cling to Robin during horror movies," Beast Boy pointed out.

Starfire smiled brightly. "Yes, it is an excellent excuse."

"Except for the Alien movies," Cyborg noted. "You laugh anytime you see a Xenomorph."

Starfire giggled. "I know it is a horrible thing to laugh at, but the creatures the Psions created that most match that-" she burst out laughing.

"Dude, I can't see how you can find facehuggers funny," Beast Boy said, "they made me give up eggs for a week!"

"Facehugger!" Starfire exclaimed and laughed so hard she clutched her stomach.

Robin waited until Starfire had recovered before asking," How are Facehuggers amusing?"

"Because the Psions create living weapons in a more logical manner and interfering in the breathing of the creature who is to be an incubator risks its death, not to mention it requiring a longer route to reach the abdomen," she explained.

"Longer route…" Xander's voice trailed off for a moment before his eyes widened. "You mean…"

"Yes, they are very much a butt hugger!" Starfire agreed, bursting out laughing.

"That is possibly even more horrifying," Raven said with a shudder.

Starfire nodded. "Yes, we refer to them as screamers, because of the reaction it causes to those who get implanted with one. I know it is a horrible thing… but just the idea of someone being stupid enough to stick their face near one…"

"Ouch," Xander said with a wince, "talk about being fucked."

"Literally," Cyborg agreed.

"Let's change the subject to something less horrifying," Beast Boy suggested, trying hard not to grab his own rear.

"I want more music," Raven said suddenly, seemingly as surprised by what she'd said as everyone else.

"More music?" Xander asked.

"Um… yeah," Raven agreed, embarrassed. "We didn't catch your whole set."

Xander nodded and turned to Cyborg. "Think we can create a bunch of instruments so I can give it the full effect?"

Cyborg grinned. "My right arm turns into a sonic cannon. What do you think?"

"Excellent, I can take the forms of the entire band, it'll be awesome," Xander said excitedly.

Several songs later…

"Dude, you missed your calling," Beast Boy said as the final notes of The Ballad of (Barry Allen) faded out.

"I wouldn't call pirating music a calling, but it is a fun hobby," Xander said. "My calling is chaos and I think I'm doing alright."

"I thought you were trying to be less of the Richard," Starfire said.

"Less of the-" Xander laughed. "Different meaning of the word, and chaos doesn't mean just the bad stuff. Life, freedom, creating a dinosaur theme park using cloning… all of these things are chaotic, whether they are good or not is up to the people involved."

"Are you planning on making a dinosaur petting zoo?" Raven asked dryly.

"I'll call it Jurassic Park," Xander said, positive he could do a much better job than the idiots in the movie.

"That sounds incredibly dangerous," Robin said.

"No more dangerous than most zoos," Xander disagreed. "Listen, as long as you keep the people out of the exhibits you're fine. If you want to see a dangerous zoo, ask Superman to see the one in his Fortress of Solitude. He has a Starro in there. A Starro!"

"What's a Starro?" Beast Boy asked.

"A world conqueror," Xander said. "It looks like a large starfish with an eyeball, but it does the whole facehugger thing and controls the host."

"Why would Superman keep something like that in his zoo?" Raven asked.

Xander shrugged. "I think he just swept up all the random alien life he found on Earth so he didn't feel so lonely or so he could pretend he was lonely. He had a serious emo phase early on."

"Does he know it's a world conqueror?" Cyborg asked.

Xander considered the question. "Maybe?"

"This sounds like something you should ask him about," Starfire suggested.

"This is going to be an awkward conversation," Xander said with a sigh and then slowly began to grin, "but not for me!"

"You're not going to tell him?" Beast Boy guessed.

"Oh, I totally am," Xander said, pulling out his cellphone and dialing in a number. "Hey, it's Lex… Of course I have this number… Listen, I did a bit of plotting and scheming and things of that nature against you guys for years, did you really believe I wouldn't have the number for the monitor room?… No, I did not call to gloat, I called to give you guys a heads up on a world ending threat… No, this is not a ransom call. Listen, do you want the information or should we just let the disaster happen and I'll tell you I told you so later?… Fine." Xander hung up the phone and put it away.

"I tried, you heard me," Xander said. "I'll just let Supes know the next time I run into him."

"I'll send word to Batman to call you," Robin decided.

"That'll work," Xander agreed. "Since there hasn't been a problem with Superman's personal zoo so far, it's probably safe for another day or two."

"How is chaos a calling?" Raven asked.

"Haven't you been paying attention?" Beast Boy asked her. "He's like, super good at it."

"Just because you're good at something doesn't make it your calling," Robin said. "I excel at acrobatics, but my calling is crime fighting."

"Or both could be your calling but you only answered one," Cyborg pointed out.

"Back to chaos as a calling," Raven requested.

Xander shrugged. "I'm super good at it. I'll even brag a little and admit I once broke a prophecy to save a friend's life when I was younger."

"You broke a prophecy?" Raven asked in shock.

"Yep, it said my friend would die and I decided 'fuck that prophecy."

"Sometimes fighting a prophecy just makes it come true," Raven argued. "You run and find you're where it needs you to be to come true."

Xander nodded. "You just have to be smarter than a handful of lines on a page and not panic. For instance, anything that requires someone to turn a certain age on a certain date can easily be broken."

The teens scratched their heads and tried to figure that one out.

"Cryogenics?" Cyborg suggested.

"That may work, but then so could boosting their aging rate or stopping it all together," Xander agreed.

"What? Killing them?" Beast Boy asked with a frown.

"Time manipulation or magic," Xander told him. "There is no one single way to break a prophecy… there are dozens! You just have to be willing to try."

"How would you prevent someone from turning eighteen on a specific date?" Raven asked intently.

"Time travel," Xander replied. "I'd pick them up, move them a couple of centuries or so into the future for a week, so they turned eighteen there and then return them a week after their birthday here to be doubly sure."

"Do you have a time machine?" Beast Boy asked.

"Not yet," Xander replied, making Raven sigh heavily. He moved over to one side of the lab and began clearing a large space. "Of course the good thing about time travel is that it doesn't really matter when you discover it."

Everyone watched as he stared at the empty section of lab expectantly.

"What are we waiting for?" Beast Boy asked after nearly a minute of silence.

Xander turned back to them with a frown. "Me making a fool of myself apparently."

A series of spinning metal rings surrounding what looked like a seventeenth century buggy appeared in the air behind Xander with another Xander at the controls.

"You know I was almost positive this would work," Xander complained.

"And it did," Future-Xander agreed. "Sorry I'm late, I had to stop to pee."

Xander spun around. "That makes no sense and we went with HG Well's design?"

"If you can build a Victorian era steampunk time machine, you should always build a Victorian era steampunk time machine," F-Xander said firmly.

"Fair enough," Xander agreed.

"Raven, hop aboard my time machine and let's travel to the far future… where I have made an exact duplicate of the local mall with time accurate contents so you don't contaminate the time stream when you return with future knowledge," F-Xander said.

"Whoa!" Beast Boy yelled, throwing his hands up. "Hold up! Why have we gone from talking about prophecy and chaos and jumped to time travel?!"

"There's a prophecy about me…" Raven trailed off. "When I turn eighteen in a couple of days…"

"Big bada boom," F-Xander said. "Rae's father is a major demon lord that created her for the sole purpose of invading this dimension. She's been searching for a way to void that prophecy since she was a child."

"So this works then?" Xander asked, gesturing towards the time machine.

"I wouldn't be here otherwise," F-Xander said.

"Excellent," Xander said. "Raven, go pack a bag for a week's vacation and remember to bring your magic meditation mirror."

"I'll do that," Raven said, looking very relieved before she was swallowed by her shadow and phased through the floor.

F-Xander turned to Xander. "Guess who has to impersonate her for a week so the bad guys have no clue she's gone? Oh, and Beast Boy."

"Plastic Man?" Xander joked.

"I don't think he'd be able to pull it off," F-Xander said. "He'd be too distracted playing with his breasts."

"Point," Xander conceded.

"So… why do I need to go along?" Beast Boy asked. "Not that I'll complain about a week long vacation with Rae."

"Because Raven has been set up to be a virgin sacrifice, created for the sole purpose of ripping open the walls separating our world from hell," F-Xander said solemnly.

Xander nodded. "So if worse comes to worse, to save the world… you are going to have to stab Rae… with your penis!"

"What?!" the Titans exploded.

"What part of virgin sacrifice is unclear?" F-Xander asked.

"Her powers keep her from getting close to people by design," Xander pointed out.

"Confucious say 'Prophecy of virgin sacrifice like balloon,'" F-Xander said.

"One prick… all gone," Xander agreed.

"That's up to Raven," Beast Boy said, blushing so hard he turned purple.

"What's up to me?" Raven asked as she phased through the floor.

"Using Beast Boy's penis to void the prophecy," F-Xander said cheerfully.

"Beast Boy's…" her voice trailed off and then she face palmed. "That's why my powers work the way they do, to keep people away."

"Exactly," F-Xander said, "So while in the future if you want to make doubly sure the prophecy is broken…"

Raven nodded. "If it's far enough that I have more control… I'll actually be able to get close to him without hurting him."

"We'll have him shapeshift into a Czarnian," F-Xander suggested, "strong as Superman, no special weaknesses to magic, and I'm told Lobo actually has the stamina to back up his bragging."

"You don't… mind?" Beast Boy asked Raven nervously.

"Get in the time machine," the blushing half demon told the green skinned shapeshifter, who instantly turned into a hummingbird and zipped into the time machine.

"And with that done, we'll see you in a week," F-Xander said, waving Raven aboard next to Beast Boy.

"Not going to share any future knowledge?" Cyborg asked, surprised.

"What's the first rule of time traveling?" Xander asked.

"Don't plant your own family tree," F-Xander said firmly. At everyone's look he explained, "No sex in the past. Don't turn a great pair of breasts into a paradox."

"Second rule," Xander corrected himself.

"Don't," F-Xander answered. "Don't change anything, you'll only make it worse."

"But aren't you changing things here?" Robin asked.

F-Xander nodded as the three settled into the steampunk looking time machine. "I'm a huge hypocrite."

There wasn't even a flash of light to mark their departure.

"And I'm okay with that," Xander said before splitting into two bodies and shifting into a copy of Raven and Beast Boy.

"I could really go for some pizza," 'Raven' said as 'Beast Boy' turned into a bright green hamster and situated himself directly in her cleavage.

"This is going to be a strange week," Cyborg said, "I can tell."