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A laugh as discreet and soft as the night breeze—that was the first thing Jiang Cheng heard before opening his eyes.
The timbre of its sweet amusement was so low, as if in a distant whisper, and stubbornly muffled by annoying obstacles in a way that almost threatened to go unnoticed; but he would recognize that sound anywhere in the world, always hunting to hear the melody of his happiness once again.
Jiang Cheng wasn’t surprised when his eyes eventually became accustomed to the candlelight and HuaiSang’s figure appeared in front of him.
He himself had his eyes closed, unable to open them as long as the incessant laughter still held him in that state. Cheng searched his mind, but was unable to remember the reason for the laughter, so his attention wandered to absorb the details of what he was witnessing.
HuaiSang, like him, was sitting on the floor of one of Gusu Lan’s characteristic rooms, his greenish, somewhat messy robe hid his legs but allowed his bare feet to be exposed, the usual fan hiding the true beauty of his smile.
Cheng suddenly felt his face heat up as he realized what he was doing, suddenly very interested in the structure of the roof when HuaiSang seemed to calm down from his joke, and the amber of his irises met him.
It had been about two weeks since Jiang Cheng realized that something was strange with him—he simply couldn't look directly into his friend's eyes anymore, always bringing out that damn reaction in his cheeks. And he felt like a light bulb, desperately summoning all the curious little mosquitoes to admire and question his reactions. He himself didn't understand how or when it had started, let alone whether he was managing to keep a low profile or whether his friends were just playing dumb for his sake. He hoped it was the former.
On that particular day, he had tried to escape from Nie at all costs, his senses sharper than ever to track him down around the sect and come up with compromises and excuses. But it was obvious that no one could escape from HuaiSang unless they wanted to — or at least that was the case for Cheng.
It wasn't long before he was spotted in the tree fields around the sect, hiding among the leaves as he always did on the Lotus Pier.
The melodious voice asked him what he was doing there, forcing Cheng to lie that he was running away from QiRen — a bad lie, he realized as soon as the words left his lips, since the man had been in Lanling Jin that week. And it was specifically because of his absence that HuaiSang had invited him to the dormitories; there were few times when they could enjoy the evenings without being frequently scolded by QiRen.
If HuaiSang found his lie strange, he didn't question. He just continued chatting casually, explaining that he hadn't been able to find WuXian anywhere when Cheng had asked him why it was just the two of them.
That's why he was now being forced to face his most recent fear alone. Trapped in that extremely hot cage, his face burning as he hoped the low light would mask his blush, books of questionable content scattered all over the floor and the most beautiful smile he had ever seen mesmerizing him in front of him. Cheng was a bomb and could implode at any moment.
“Today I saw a boy sneaking into the sect's women's camps”, HuaiSang said, a laughing tone in his voice as he seemed to change the subject. “Nobody knows for sure if he knows any of the girls or if he was trying to spy on them. It was WangJi who found him, poor guy. Lucky him that QiRen isn't here, but I doubt his punishment will be any lighter just for that.”
Cheng let out a nasal laugh, looking down at the floor only to find a magazine open next to him, revealing pornographic content. In a rush of shame, he quickly closed it; the last thing he needed at that moment was to see images like that.
“The boys are desperate for a girlfriend. They're always asking Wei Ying for relationship tips, pft, as if he has some experience.”
Thinking about his brother and cracking jokes was certainly a good distraction for his turbulent mind. But HuaiSang seemed determined to make his evening a complete challenge.
“What about you?” The voice reached his ears, once again muffled by the fan. A risky glance upwards confirmed that HuaiSang was staring at him, steely eyes that bore the hint of a smile.
Cheng's eyes widened in confusion. “Huh?”
“Do you have any experience?” HuaiSang explained. “They always say that girls are too afraid to approach you, so you've never had any experience with them. But I don't consider them to be reliable sources for me, only by asking you directly would I believe it.”
Obviously they were right, even though Cheng had never talked to their other friends about this topic before (or anyone else, actually). After all, did it take much to confirm that girls couldn't get close to him, marching around all day with crossed arms and his eyebrows furrowed?
Cheng instinctively lowered his gaze, only then remembering that the magazines were still there, and suddenly chose to meet Nie's gaze head-on. One of his hands was supporting the weight of his body on the floor, but the fingers on the other were playing restlessly with the fabric of his clothes, a reflection of his anxiety. He let out a nasal laugh before replying.
“They're right. But it's not as if I—”
Whatever he was going to say, the words died in his mouth before they reached the warm air of the room. The fan was already lying in one corner, HuaiSang on his hands and knees, his face dangerously close to his. Cheng took a while to process the scene, his mind going into a complete state of silence and paralysis. Then he remained mute, his mouth still open the way he was speaking, staring confusedly into the golden irises that stared at him intensely as he desperately searched for an answer.
“Would you like to try?” His voice came out low, like a dream. Perhaps the alcohol was starting to take its toll and the hallucinations had begun to appear. Reality or not, Cheng stepped back a little on impulse.
“Try… what? What are you doing?”
HuaiSang smiled. Cheng's heart pounded loudly in his chest.
“Usually people think I'm a fool, but I thought you at least knew how much I enjoy paying attention to little details.” The smile that followed was innocent, even a bit childish. “I notice how you act whenever I'm around, you should know that by now, Jiang Cheng.”
Cheng swallowed. So he knew—it was obvious that he knew! When would they be able to hide anything from HuaiSang? Now that he had been exposed, Cheng felt that his face must be even redder than a tomato, not even the dimness of the shadows would be able to defend him in those circumstances.
The fabrics of his robe let out soft noises as HuaiSang moved even closer, now almost touching their foreheads together. The smile had disappeared from his face, his downcast eyes completely focused on his friend's lips. One of his hands gently touched Cheng's face, hiding shyly near his ear.
“My proposal still stands, A-Cheng.”
Jiang Cheng felt the softness of HuaiSang's lips. At first he thought that HuaiSang had been the one unable to wait any longer and had initiated the kiss, but seconds later his foggy mind revealed that it had been the fault of his own hungry impulses.
His thoughts floated, adrift in an ocean of ink when he no longer felt on solid ground. There was no longer the room or the hardness of the floor on which they were sitting. There wasn't the immensity of the hurried footsteps of the disciples sneaking through the corridors beyond the closed door. There weren't the oblivious voices of the elders firing off angry orders.
There was nothing but darkness and sensations. His sense of touch felt only the softness of HuaiSang's hair, at a time when he didn't realize he was burying his fingers in it to keep him close. His palate was inebriated by his taste. His sense of smell absorbed only the faint scent of ink and grass that he radiated under the strong touch of alcohol.
Cheng had never kissed anyone, and he suspected that HuaiSang hadn't either. But, even in a clumsy way, their lips seemed to fit together perfectly like a couple separated by time finally meeting in a tight embrace. An imperfectly perfect kiss.
HuaiSang let out sighs and smiles as their lips met, Cheng frowned and muttered lowly whenever HuaiSang pulled back for a few moments, before meeting him again.
A few minutes passed before the final parting came, perhaps due to the need for air, but HuaiSang still leaned in one last time to steal a quick kiss, as if he could never get enough of his mouth.
Faces very close and eyes fixed on each other, he was the first to break the silence.
“Was it good for you?”
Cheng let out a smile before he could even contain it.
“Better than how I imagined.” The drink had definitely got into his system, or he would never have uttered such words, no matter how honest they were.
HuaiSang laughed, giving his ear a gentle pinch before finally walking away. But his body didn't seem willing to keep a long distance just yet, continuing to sit close enough that their knees were still touching.
“Hm? You mean you've imagined this before, A-Cheng?” With impressive proficiency, the boy managed to find his previously abandoned fan even without looking away, and opened it in front of his face. “What else did you imagine?”
Cheng once again felt his face burn. Perhaps he would never get used to this situation—this time he exploded.
“Stop teasing me, HuaiSang!”, he shouted, trying to stand up to leave, but HuaiSang was quicker to hug him over the shoulder, laughing uncontrollably as he apologized.
And then Jiang Cheng opened his eyes—for real this time. That laughter that used to be frequent in his days dissipated into nothing more than a lonely silence and the melancholy of what no longer existed.
He had already lost so much in that long, slow life, he should be used to it by now; how could the longing still be so strong?
There were many things that, once lost, were impossible to recover: his family, completely destroyed before his desperate eyes, the memories of the fire forever engraved on his heart, the old Lotus Pier, which even if rebuilt would never look the same, all the opportunities left behind.
These were the things he knew would never come back, so it was easier to accept that the tombs were eternal and that nothing would ever change the past (even if he still sank into the memories, questioning fate, the eternal torment of what could have happened differently, how he could have avoided such an ending).
But it was when he sank too far into the past that the worst came next—when he remembered those who were still alive. Faces and smiles that he still saw everywhere, remnants of their lives in every step he took, but they were no longer the same as they once were; his mind looked longingly at them and whispered to him that he could never get them back too.
These were the ones he was thinking about most at the moment, the longing eating him up inside as he stifled it with a serious expression. Sometimes he remembered his brother, who was so close to him and smiled so much, but he was no longer the one by his side, listening and sharing jokes. He was no longer his companion in the early hours of the morning, lying awake chatting or sharing fruit that YanLi had brought. And on other nights it was HuaiSang who came to his mind, the boy who had been the source of her smiles for years, but whose time and events had driven away, both of them so immersed in deep mourning that they hadn't realized exactly when they had drifted apart. It went unnoticed how they forgot about each other, occupying their days and minds with incessant nonsense about revenge, desperate desires to do something, to change something!
Jiang Cheng had finally built up the strength to move on. After years, he was tired. Tired of hating so much, trying so hard. But he still lacked the courage to go and fill all the empty holes left in his soul.
“Uncle, are you tired? Don't you want to lie down for a while?” Jin Ling's voice snapped him out of his trance, bringing him back to the reality of his present day. The boy was sitting to his right, not seeming to pay attention while several angry faces were still arguing about the next leadership.
Cheng shook his head, furrowed his brows and massaged his temples in a futile attempt to ward off the headache that was already beginning to emerge.
“I'm going for a walk to cool off. Beware of any strangers who approach you, come to me immediately if anything happens,” he finally commented, leaving the little boy stunned for a second. Since the long meetings after the end of the war, Jiang Cheng had become much more concerned and present with Jin Ling, watching the way everyone wanted to take what belonged to his nephew.
He left the main hall discreetly, heading out into the fields so rich in flowers and decorations, worthy of a sect as luxurious as Lanling Jin. Soon his silhouette disappeared into the woods, feeling the wind on his face ruffle the bangs that insisted on hitting his face.
Cheng just wanted a quick stroll away from all the gazes full of expectations or fear, to let himself enjoy a few seconds of solitude while putting all his obligations aside. The walk would seem silent to any passer-by who saw him there, but in his mind resided a chorus of loud and disturbing thoughts.
It was only a few minutes later that he stopped in his tracks, just as his eyes met a peach tree. Jiang Cheng looked both ways before placing his first foot on the thickest trunk, climbing the branches steadily until he reached the first of the fruits, and quickly returning to the ground with the precision of an experienced cat. Then he sat down at the foot of the tree, enjoying its welcoming shade.
It was just him, the wind and the fallen leaves gliding across the sky.
He was about to take his first bite when he heard a voice.
“Yunmeng Jiang's habits? WuXian had them too.”
The mention of his brother made him look up in astonishment, only to come across the last person he expected to see there.
The man's dark hair, now so long, fell down to the end of his back, the strands waving gently in the calm of the wind. The short fringe he never gave up was not enough to hide the sparkle in his golden eyes—eyes that now no longer carried the same innocence of the past, replaced by an eternal melancholy. The simple little bun was now adorned with more eye-catching accessories, worthy of a true sect leader, and no longer the simple ties of a little boy. The clothes with so many layers, sparkles and accessories were strange to see. So different had time transformed him, he could easily be anyone else, but the fan over his lips was still the same, as were the marks of a beautiful smile in his eyes.
“HuaiSang, I thought you were at the meeting.”
Nie smiled, putting down his fan and walking over to where his old friend was. He sat down next to him, shoulder to shoulder, and looked up at the sky as if there was something in that infinity waiting for him.
“I thought you were there too, until I saw you sneaking away,” he said, and then pointed to the fruit that hadn't even been bitten yet. “And to steal peaches?” he laughed.
Cheng was silent for a few seconds—when had he last spoken to HuaiSang? He couldn't remember anymore. But then he smiled, looking at the fruit in his hands and finally tasting it. The silence was a little awkward, but he considered his words carefully before uttering them.
“I needed to get some air, to think things over. It was too noisy in there for me.”
“Thinking about WuXian?”
Cheng looked at him, astonished. How could the boy have guessed his mind?
HuaiSang smiled, there was empathy in all his features and gestures. But the deep sadness in his eyes seemed to deepen at that moment, so marked in his soul, accumulated over the years, that he might never be able to free himself from it.
“I know what it's like to lose a brother, A-Cheng.” His voice was low, but his words were firm. If it had been in the past, he would have looked like he was about to cry at any moment, but HuaiSang had become a strong man, and the years had taught him to harden his heart, to hold in his regrets. “You know, I was thinking about it too. It's been a few weeks since it all ended, but you two still seem distant. And I've been thinking about Da-ge a lot lately... The difference between us is that you still have another chance to make amends for what you did wrong with him in the past.”
Jiang Cheng didn't answer, looking firmly into his old friend's eyes; but HuaiSang didn't look back at him. Instead, he looked at his own hands, which were playing with the fan. He seemed to be far away, lost in memories that only he knew and still held.
A few seconds passed and, without getting an answer, perhaps HuaiSang concluded that Cheng was also just another part of his past. Then he let out a long sigh and tapped his friend lightly on the shoulder with his fan, suddenly preparing to get up.
Cheng didn't know what exactly was going on in the other man's head, he was just sure that he wasn't going to let him slip out of his hands once again. Perhaps after that day, it would be final.
The peach fell to the green grass, the hand that had been holding it now clasped HuaiSang's hand.
“I think about you too.” The words came out before he could even control them. “I miss you as much as I miss him.” And then, quieter, as if he didn't want anyone but his own mind to hear, he added: “I keep thinking about how we were as children.”
HuaiSang's eyes widened, clearly not expecting to hear those words from Jiang Cheng.
Cheng stood up, a determination that he had no idea where it came from, taking over his being, coursing through his veins and allowing him to say what he had been holding back for years. The hand that held HuaiSang's was firm, as if it feared he would run away as soon as he loosened his grip a little; the other hesitated before touching his face. For a brief moment, his amethyst eyes seemed to regain the sparkle they had lost over the years.
“And I still remember the way you taste. And I miss it.”
And for the first time, Jiang Cheng saw HuaiSang's face blush. He had always been discreet or strong enough to hide his shame—and the years had only made it worse, as he had grown stronger and improved that eternal mask over his emotions.
Silence prevailed between the two of them, Nie's golden irises alternating between his own, a frown and astonishment on his face as if he was still processing what he had just heard, as if it was all a well-crafted lie just like everything else in his life. Cheng didn't know if that was a good reaction or the worst he could get, and his heart was about to explode inside him, leading him to a tragic death after confessing; how could he die in a more ridiculous way?
“A-Cheng, are you serious?” That was all the other man could say. His face had softened, but Cheng still felt his hand shaking.
Jiang Cheng had a worried expression on his face when he answered, no longer able to hide his feelings.
“It's been years since I was this frank, HuaiSang.”
A laugh.
Cheng felt his heart race once more.
The laughter spread through the trees that surrounded them in that forest far from the world like a beautiful nostalgic melody, sheltering only the two lonely souls. Not even the fan could hide the glow of that beautiful smile that Cheng had missed so much.
HuaiSang's arms wrapped around his neck, his face buried in the other's shoulder. If he hadn't been so close to him, Jiang Cheng would never have heard the sobs he let out, muffled by his clothes.
Cheng had never been good at consoling others, so he did the best he could: he didn't think long before hugging him tightly, sometimes smoothing his hair awkwardly. He placed a soft kiss on his head, still waiting for the man to calm down. HuaiSang's arms tightened around him, as if in search of another dose of comfort.
When he spoke, his voice came out slurred.
“I thought you hated me. You had every reason to hate me,” he confessed. Then he walked away a little hesitant. He still seemed to be waiting for confirmation that it wasn't real, searching Cheng's face for the truth. “Because I ran away, hid and forgot about you in the past. Of you two.”
Cheng ran his fingers over his soft cheeks, wiping away the tear stains.
“I did the same, A-Sang. We all made mistakes back then, and we'll carry the weight of our guilt for the rest of our days, but... What other course did we have? What other solution was there when we were alone?”
Now it was HuaiSang's turn to reach for his hand, squeezing it tightly as if he depended on it.
“I felt awful.” A sob tried to interrupt him, but HuaiSang kept talking, so fast that the words almost ran over each other. “I lost my brother and my best friend, you disappeared. Years at GuangYao's side were tortuous, I would look into his face and see A-Jue dead. XiChen must hate me now too. I thought I would be alone forever, that there would be no one I could trust in the world.” He reached for Cheng's second free hand, holding it. But then, with all the strength he had, he was able to smile. A sad smile, but still a smile. “It's good to know I still have you... If you are telling the truth.”
HuaiSang's smiles were always contagious, and now it seemed that his melancholy was too. Cheng couldn't hold back his own sad smile.
“I'd like to start again, if you like. We've been through the worst once.”
Jiang Cheng watched as HuaiSang's expression softened over the seconds. The sadness was still there, but it was slowly replaced by more hopeful eyes, expressions painted by curiosity about what the future might hold for them. He laughed, and suddenly stood on tiptoe to reach Cheng's face.
Hands still intertwined, smiles finally sincere after years of acting, their lips met once again, with the longing of old friends; old secret lovers.
It was a soft kiss, but satisfying for both of them; just knowing that they still had each other was enough for that moment. They could make up for lost years later.
“I thought about you a lot too, A-Cheng.”
Cheng was about to reply when he heard a stick breaking nearby, the sounds of leaves rustling getting louder and louder as something approached. He let go of HuaiSang's hands, unwrapping Zidian and keeping on the alert.
His heart calmed down again when only Jin Ling's face appeared out of the trees. Messy hair adorned with small leaves and an annoyed expression as he bumped into a branch that bothered his gait. Then he spotted his uncle, and his eyes lit up.
“Uncle! I've finally found you. You've been missing for a long time, and you looked strange when you left, so I, huh.” He tried to say, but looked away, afraid of showing concern for him. Then he straightened his posture, plucking up the courage to look at him, even though his face was slightly red, and confessed: “I was worried.”
Jiang Cheng had no reaction. He was terrible at showing his nephew what he wanted directly, and the same applied to the boy, who had certainly picked up his worst habits. But at that moment, he felt a strange peace in his heart.
HuaiSang approached, touching his arm and speaking softly close to his ear.
“I don't think we're alone anymore, A-Cheng.” His face was already almost flawless, and only with a lot of dedication would you notice the marks in his eyes that had just shed so many tears. Cheng didn't know how he did it (years of practice, he imagined). The grip on his arm tightened a little when Nie smiled at him. “Now all that's left is WuXian, right?”
Cheng closed his eyes, letting out a nasal laugh that surprised even Jin Ling. He finally felt at home, finally free. There was still a long way to go, and he would need a lot of courage to reconnect with his brother, but at least he wouldn't do it alone anymore. He had people there for him—he always had, he just needed to open his eyes, let them in.
He walked over to his nephew, slipping one of his arms around the boy's neck, but there was a big smile on his face as he ruffled his hair even more.
“And what exactly are you doing here too? Who allowed you to disrespect the elders and leave the meeting?”
“You're the one who ran away before!” Jin Ling retorted, but he didn't seem angry at all. Perhaps seeing his uncle's rare smile prevented him from showing his anger at that moment.
HuaiSang followed right behind them, smiling at the scene he was seeing and happy with where they had got to. From time to time, on the long way back, their gazes met and they laughed.
That day marked the first of many better ones to come. Everything was at peace; everything was exactly as it should be when two broken souls meet again in a world shaped by pain.
And they would go on together, wherever they went or whatever they faced.
As children they used to be weak, and life had taught them to mature. But it forgot to teach them that there's nothing wrong with leaning on the ones you love.
Cheng loved HuaiSang, and would never again make the same mistakes he had made in the past. Now he would fight for everything he wanted, hold on to all the people he still had, and preserve them as he should have done in the past.
It took Cheng years to understand this, but it was never too late...
...And he was happy.