Archive of Our Own ^beta

Zuko is not a girl.

It hadn’t bothered him so much when he was little. Or rather, there were other things that bothered him more. Thinking about it he hated having to wait for his long hair to be twisted and pinned to the sides of his head, always too tight and too delicate for roughhousing. He hated that he wasn’t allowed to wear pants except for combat lessons. He hated that everyone called him Princess.

He tried to explain to Mother once, the way his skin crawled when his hair brushed the back of his neck or someone called him pretty. She had sat patiently, arms wrapped around his middle under their favorite tree, while he struggled to find the words to explain why he wasn’t her daughter. She had hummed softly as if she understood while brushing a stray hair from his forehead. “I love you, Zuko.” She had murmured softly just for him. “Please don’t tell anyone else, okay? It’ll be our secret. Promise me.”

He remembers how soft she touched him; how gentle she had been as she waited for him to promise to hide himself. He was still young but he understood mother’s promises were always to protect him, especially when they hurt.

“I promise.”

It’s late, hours after he should have been asleep when he tells Lu Ten. He doesn’t mean to but then again, he is always making mistakes.

He is practicing his newest set of katas. Something just feels off with the way he is supposed to move his body towards the middle, a twist of the ankle where he keeps falling. Father hasn’t seen yet but if he comes to his lessons tomorrow, Zuko has to do it perfectly. He falls again, the pins securing his hair finally coming loose. When he tries to sit up his hair gets stuck under his elbow and pulls painfully. He doesn’t cry or whine anymore but he still shouts and rages, pulling at the dark tresses like he can yank them out of his skull and be done with them for good.

“Someone’s up past curfew.” Lu Ten’s teasing voice calls out.

Zuko can’t help but groan. Large, gentle hands help untangle him from his curtain of hair. It’s all dirty now. The servants aren’t going to be happy in the morning.

Zuko refuses to look at his cousin, arms crossed and pouting. Lu Ten doesn’t seem to mind. Lu Ten never seems to mind when Zuko is mad. That’s why is his favorite.

“How about we take a break? I’ll fix your hair up real pretty so it stays out of the way.”

“No.” Zuko spits.

“You’ve got to rest if you’re going to-”

“No! I don’t want my hair to be pretty. I hate it.” Zuko tries to swallow down the thickness in his throat. He isn’t going to cry. Not even in front of Lu Ten who probably wouldn’t even mind.

Lu Ten is quiet for a long time. Long enough that Zuko peeks up at him. He looks so serious; it would be funny if Zuko wasn’t so mad.

“Well,” he says at last, “how do you want your hair done?”

“I want to cut it off.” He pouts, the fight draining out of him. “I hate it. It’s too long and gets in the way. It hurts when it’s all pinned up. Azula won’t let me wear mine up like hers, not that I want too, but it looks more comfortable.”

“We can’t cut it without your parents’ permission but maybe we can try a few things that might feel better. Come on.” Zuko let’s Lu Ten take his hand and lead him back to Uncle’s wing of the palace. Lu Ten makes him sit in front of the vanity and starts combing out the dirt and tangles ever so gently. The rough callouses from firebending and sword training feel nice against his scalp.

“Let’s see, what would look best on my little cousin?” Lu Ten hums, gathering the long strands to the top of his head. It only takes a few minutes but then Zuko looks in the mirror and sees himself, maybe for the first time. There’s still too much hair, he can feel the tips brushing against his shoulder blades, but it sits high on his head in a single, very long, phoenix tail.

He can see his own face light up in delight as he twists left and right to admire the bright red ribbon holding all that hair in place. “I love it.” His words are bright and wet.

“Looks very handsome.” Lu Ten says with a warm smile. Zuko practically throws himself at Lu Ten and doesn’t even try to stop the tears that follow.

Lu Ten pats his back until he calms down. When Zuko finally looks back up his cousin is still smiling but it looks painful. “I’ll do your hair like this when we train together, okay? Let’s see if we can find something else you don’t mind.”

That bright feeling in Zuko’s chest dims a little. He looks at his reflection again, hoping to memorize it, to remember what he is supposed to look like, to remember who he is. “Okay.”

Nothing else feels quite right but the thick braid is okay and the twin tails tied off close to his neck are at least out of the way even if they make his skin crawl. He smiles, small and hollow. Next to his reflection, Lu Ten’s smile looks just as strained.

When Zuko is banished, they shave his head. It’s practical. The burn gets infected and the scabbing painful enough without hair getting caught in it. It’s psychological too. His father never let him cut his hair in the palace and now he took it all.

The itching is horrible when it grows back. Almost as bad as the scabs on his face. It feels like his head is covered it a giant rash for a week or so. It doesn’t stop him from touching it. He likes the feel of the stubble. The long, cumbersome strands no longer get caught on everything and don't need long, arduous routines of soaps and oils. It is the only good thing he can cling to.

He knows it’s a punishment, but he can’t help but feel pleased in some vague washed-out way.

Uncle tells him it will grow back prettier than ever.

Zuko hopes it never does.

When he is finally well enough to exercise Zuko starts dressing like a soldier. The pants and tunic are comfortable even if the fabric is rough. He likes how the boots sound on the metal deck as he practices his katas cold. Uncle doesn’t say anything but Zuko can tell he isn’t pleased.

It’s three months before Zuko goes ashore for the first time. His hair has grown a lot though it’s not quite long enough to actually do anything with. He wants to shave it off again but Uncle wouldn’t approve and he doesn’t mind so much that it covers some of his scar, softening it a bit.

People still stare.

He blusters through by shouting, by being angry. He goes back to the ship not thirty minutes later.

Uncle knocks on the door to his cabin. He always knocks and it makes Zuko both furious and soft.

“Come in.” He bites out.

“You left before seeing the full market, Princess Zuko.” He says with that warm smile on his face. He’s holding a wide, thin box. “I brought you a small gift.”

“Thank you, Uncle.” Zuko accepts it even though he knows he doesn’t want whatever is inside. His uncle keeps smiling expectantly as if this isn’t torture. He unties the brown twine and lifts the lid. As expected, it’s clothing, soft pink and white like non-royal girls wear. It’s probably nicer than any peasant in the area can afford to wear daily.

He hates it.

“Why?” He asks though it sounds like a plea to his ears.

“I know you are very focused on your training right now, my dear niece, but it is important to relax as well. You are not a solider. You should dress up sometimes. It’s good for the soul. Perhaps you can wear it to music night?” Zuko hates how soft and gentle his tone is when the words burn like acid.

Zuko has not made a spark since boarding this boat yet the box goes up in flames without a thought. He drops it, flinching back. The heat hurts his face, makes his heart hammer in his chest, but the way the soft fabric turns to ash before his eyes fills him with vindictive pleasure.

Uncle reacts a moment later snuffing the flames with a wave of his hand. He looks devastated.

“I-I’m sorry Uncle.” Zuko quickens to say even though he doesn’t mean it in the slightest. “It was an accident.”

“It’s quite alright.” He says though his soft tone is shaking with something else, something like despair. “Perhaps we can pick something out together next time?”

“Sure, Uncle.” He agrees readily.

At the next port, several weeks later, Zuko is sure to stay close to his uncle. The man seems to buy something at every stall. Zuko makes a few rude comments but his uncle just seems happy for the company.

Uncle is yammering on about fabrics at a clothing shop. Zuko notices he is avoiding the soft pinks this time but the clothing is still feminine, still wrong. He takes a few deep breaths. He won’t burn them this time, they can just stay hidden in his sea chest forever.

As he waits a tunic catches his eye. It’s not fancy, though perhaps it is for the area. It’s dark red with black trim and delicate orange flames embroidered on the cuffs. It would look nice with a black sash he thinks.

Uncle hums from his side. Zuko can’t help but jump, yanking his hand back as if burned. He hadn’t even realized he was touching it. “A bit unconventional but I suppose if my dear niece wants it, I have no choice. An old man like me doesn’t know much about fashion these days.” Uncle chuckles warmly and pays for the tunic, matching pants, and a bright red sash. He presses the box into Zuko’s hands.

“Your hair is getting long, perhaps we should get some ribbon while we are here.”

Zuko’s brain has not quite started functioning again but Uncle presses him on his opinion for color and material. He thinks he mutters something about gold.

At the next music night Zuko wears his new outfit. He can feel his face burning red when he enters the mess and every member of the crew stares. His hair is still too short for much but he manages a half tail with the new gold ribbon. He sits in the back like he always does and refuses to meet anyone’s gaze. After a few minutes the novelty wears off and the crew get back to having fun without him.

It's weird, he thinks as he listens to poorly played horns drown out warbling voices, but even though he kind of wants to die of embarrassment he feels good. He feels like himself.

The crew don’t call him Princess after that.

Zuko’s hair is getting long, not as long as before but past his shoulders. He hates the way it tickles his neck. It makes his skin crawl. He starts wearing it up the way Lu Ten taught him. It feels silly, childish. It’s the hair style for a boy and he hasn’t been a boy since he was banished. Still it’s grounding in its own way.

Uncle doesn’t like it but he doesn’t say anything so Zuko pretends not to notice.

It’s six months into his banishment when he gets sick. The pain in his stomach makes him nauseous and irritable. The bleeding makes him want to die.

There’s a knock at his door, he expects Uncle, he’s the only one who willingly interacts with Zuko when he’s upset. He gives the call to enter and is mortified when it’s Officer Hanako, one of his men. She is dressed down, off duty, her dark hair twisted into a messy bun and unbrushed. She’s carrying a bag of supplies.

“Your Highness.” She greets with a bow that’s a little too casual as he scrambles to sit up.

“Why are you here?” He snaps. It’s accusing and biting but he doesn’t care. He hates being seen like this. His skin is crawling and he kind of wants to die.

“General Iroh asked me to speak with you.” Her tone is gruff. She clearly wants to be here about as much as Zuko does. She kneels in front of him and starts pulling out her supplies. A sachet of herbs to place under his pillow for the nausea, clean squares of cloth to catch the blood, and a flat stone to heat and press against the small of his back.

Zuko isn’t stupid. He knows he isn’t actually sick but he was nearly fourteen now and had hoped the bleeding was never going to start. That he could have this one bit of luck.

Zuko has never been lucky.

It’s mortifying but she’s clinical and blunt. She answers his few stammering questions, shows him the trick for warming the rock so it will stay comfortable, and warns him to never try to bend directly through his hands to ease the ache.

“Do you need anything else, your highness?” She asks once he has proven he can heat the stone without burning himself.

“That will be all, Officer. You’re dismissed.” She bows to leave and he can’t quite look at her. “Thank you.” He says small and miserable. She nods and closes the door behind her.

His hair is too long.

It’s long and heavy and keeps getting everywhere. He could braid it but he doesn’t want to. He just wants to cut it off. Maybe shave it down to the skin and start over. But he can’t. Uncle would never allow it.

He has it thrown up in the loose, messy knot Officer Hanako taught him as he pretends to care about Pai Show. It’s quiet. The ship is rocking more than usual as they pass through a small storm. The room smells of oolong. It’s as nice as things tend get for him.

Uncle places a tile with a beaming grin. “While you have certainly improved, my dear niece, you still have a long journey before you will beat me, I’m afraid.” He’s teasing though it still makes Zuko bristle to be criticized.

“That reminds me, I have a gift for you.”

Zuko does not hold back his groan.

Uncle shuffles to his desk and returns with a small thin box. At least it isn’t clothing.

“Thank you, Uncle.” He grumbles. Opening it reveals a silver hair pin. Uncle has gifted him several hair pins in the last year, normally something golden with pearls or delicate metal flower petals. This one is shaped like a sword. The pin is straight and sharp with the decorative end resembling the hilt of a blade, a tiny fiery gem in the pommel.

Zuko openly gapes at it.

“It took this old man a long time but I think I finally understand what you like.” Uncle smiles kindly. He gently takes the pin from the box and shifts behind Zuko. The painted chopstick he had been using is pulled free letting his tresses fall down his back. Uncle’s fingers are gentle as he runs them through the strands, carefully untangling any small knots. “It is a bit long, I think. Shall I cut it for you?”

“Really?” Zuko can’t help but blurt out.

“It will sit better if it is lighter. One moment.” He steps back to his desk and returns with a pair of sharp scissors. Zuko holds his breath, eyes closed tightly as if in pain until he hears the first few strands cut. He sighs deeply as if from his very soul, feels almost light headed as the weight on his scalp is lessened. Uncle doesn’t take much off, only a few inches but it’s more than Zuko had ever hoped for.

Uncle twists the strands expertly, as if he has done this for someone else a hundred times. Maybe his aunt, maybe Lu Ten. He feels the cold metal slide against his scalp pinning everything in place. He can’t help but touch it almost reverently.

“You look very handsome, nephew.” Uncle says with that same warm smile that has been Zuko’s only beacon of kindness since he left home.

Zuko opens his mouth but nothing comes out but a choked sob. He hasn’t cried since he was delirious with fever when the burn became infected. He cries now, clinging to his uncle who holds him just as gently as he always has.

Chasing the Avatar is harder than Zuko had expected. For one the Avatar is a literal child. He can’t make heads or tales of the route they are taking as they fly from one island to the next, only a vague northern direction in common. The Water Tribe siblings that accompany him are annoying as well. The waterbender is untrained but powerful making her difficult to defeat. The Water Tribe boy is clever, though he rarely poses a challenge in combat as long as Zuko remembers that stupid boomerang.

The point is Zuko was ready to fight a master, someone predictable and disciplined, not children.

It doesn’t help when Zhao calls him Princess in front of the siblings at the Fire Temple. It becomes their new favorite slur whenever they clash. Zuko should be used to it, he’s only been called Prince by his crew and his uncle for a couple years after all, but it makes him lose his temper every time.

He manages to get some small revenge when he breaks the Avatar out of Pohuai Stronghold. The Avatar escapes him in the end but not before dropping something about friendship. He really is a child. As if Zuko gets to have friends.

He can’t say he was expecting Zhao to blow up his ship. He knew Zhao wanted him dead but even for him it was a bit much. Zuko survives, he’s good at surviving, and stows away to the North Pole. Zhao can have his stupid invasion but Zuko won’t let him get the Avatar.

Swimming under the ice was not his best plan, admittedly. He’s freezing and bruised and bloodied and might have a cracked rib or two. Uncle’s Breath of Fire keeps the worst of the chill at bay as he sneaks through the chaos.

It’s almost anti-climactic in the end. He finally has the Avatar in his hands but he’s too hurt and too cold to do anything about it. After years of working so hard, of trying nonstop to prove himself, he’s going to die in the tundra. He hopes they strike his name from history instead of leaving him as Princess Zuko.

When he comes to, they are back at the oasis. Zhao and his soldiers are there. He’s saying something crazy as usual. Zuko struggles to his feet. The the world goes red and then all color washes away. Zuko doesn’t care for the Spirits but even he would not have tempted fate. He throws himself at Zhao, forcing him back. His phoenix tail whips behind him as he twists into a flaming kick.

Zhao is vicious though. He’s insane. He wasn’t blown up and then nearly frozen. Zuko fights as he always has, desperately and without surrender, but he’s tired and not aiming to kill.

Zhao manages to knock him off balance and pins him down. Zuko’s hair is wild, his hairpin having fallen out at some point. With mocking gentleness, he tilts Zuko’s chin. “It’s such a shame about your pretty face, Princess Zuko.” He tries to jerk away, to get Zhao’s wandering fingers off of him. His skin is crawling. “At least I can even things out for you.” The man’s grin is manic as he cups the unscarred side of Zuko’s face.

With his good eye covered Zuko can barely see. He can only focus on the irritating tickle of hair on the back of his neck, the sharp cut of ice against his spine, and the growing heat on his face.

And then it’s gone. Zhao is screaming and a giant monster made of water is pulling him away. Zuko reaches out for him before the water can swallow him completely. Zhao refuses with a finally biting Princess on his lips.

Zuko feels restless. He and Uncle managed to escape the chaos of the North but now there’s nothing for him to do. He has no ship, no crew. He hopes his crew were able to survive but he doesn’t let himself dwell on them too much.

He doesn’t want to chase the Avatar anymore.

Now he just has all this useless energy telling him to do something, anything, and there is nothing to do.

And then Azula arrives.

“Hello, Zuzu.” She says, her voice acrid. He can’t remember the last time she sounded soft, like her every word wasn’t an insult.

“Azula, what are you doing here?”

“I’ve come to collect, my beloved sister and bring her home of course.” She says as if she thinks he’s stupid. Actually, she probably does think he’s stupid.

“But I failed to capture the Avatar.” Zuko spits though there isn’t much heat behind it.

“Father’s had a change of heart. After that business with Zhao he decided he wants you home. Family is important after all. It shows the people we are a unified front.” Her tone shifts a little. Almost syrupy and sweet. Zuko doesn’t trust her. Azula always lies.

Azula reaches up and smirks when Zuko flinches from her touch. It doesn’t stop her. She pulls the silver pin from his hair and the strands fall down his back. She fiddles with it for a few moments, a small frown on her face. “Sit.” She commands with a twirl of her manicured finger.

Zuko shouldn’t listen but he follows old instincts from letting her boss him around when they were kids. She isn’t gentle when she rakes her pointed nails through his hair but she isn’t intentionally cruel either. She twists and folds the strands before sliding the pin back into place. “There. Much more fitting for a returning princess.” She squeezes his shoulders tightly, a little painfully.

Zuko reaches up and feels the new shape and his heart nearly stops. It’s a topknot, or as close to one as possible with a pin instead of a band. He’s never worn one before. It’s Azula’s style after all.

“We’ll have to get you new clothes of course, before we return. I’m sure Father will be please.” Her words sound far away but they strike him deeply.

It strikes even deeper when he discovers she is lying. He should have known. Azula always lies.

It’s a harrowing escape but he and Uncle escape nonetheless. Kneeling before a river Uncle hands him his knife. Zuko was going to ask Uncle to cut his hair before his ship blew up with him inside. It’s long now, much longer than he likes but he pulls the pin and gathers the strands as he has hundreds of times before. Instead of a ribbon there’s a knife. His head feels lighter and for the first time he hates it.

Song is kind. She is soft and gentle and full of hope. Zuko hurts just looking at her.

His bleeding starts at their farm. It’s been months since the last. He wishes he had Officer Hanako’s herb sachet. Song notices even though Zuko does his best to work through the pain and nausea.

“I had wondered.” She says softly as she offers a small bag. There’s clean cloth squares and dried mint leaves in a small jar. Zuko doesn’t want them. He wants to scream at her, he wants to scream at the world until everything makes sense again. But Song is kind so he holds it in and accepts the supplies with a glare.

“I understand you know. It’s safer.” She lifts the hem of her skirt to show a burn on her thigh. “There’s no shame in doing what you need to do to be safe.”

Zuko feels his stomach turn to ice. He had never even considered that possibility.

“I’m a man.” He says as steadily as possible. “I’ve always been – I’ve never-”

Song nods as if she gets it. He can tell she doesn’t but he lets it go. It’s too hard to explain.

He feels bad stealing from her but not bad enough to stop.

Zuko likes Li. He’s rash and energetic. He wants to learn to fight. He wants to protect his family.

He’s the little boy Zuko never got to be.

He likes Li’s family. His mother is kind and discrete. She gives Zuko new wrappings for his chest. Tells him to keep them clean and dry so he doesn’t get a rash. She doesn’t treat him any differently once she knows.

He gives Li his knife. It’s all he has aside from the hair pin he can no longer wear. He wants to give them something for their kindness.

When Zuko saves Li from the militia soldiers there are too many. He’s good with his dao but not good enough. He resorts to his fire to finish the fight.

The village is terrified when he announces his name and title. Prince Zuko the Crowned Prince of the Fire Nation. They don’t care that he saved them. They care that he is the enemy.

Li and his mother tell him to leave and never come back.

Jet is intense.

He picks Zuko out and they raid the kitchens on the ferry. It’s almost fun. But Jet is intense. He reminds him of Azula a little. His nonchalance is a little too forced as he leans against the railing of the boat and waxes poetically about new starts and justice.

Nothing good will come from Jet.

Zuko and Uncle get a tiny apartment and start working at a tiny tea shop. It’s hard and boring and makes his skin crawl with the lack of action, of movement. Jet is a good distraction.

It’s nothing much. They defend a few people here and there in the Lower Ring. Nothing noteworthy to the guards but something that helps a few people at least. Jet’s good with his hooked blades though he is a little too eager to draw blood.

They spar sometimes. They both fight aggressively but Jet is clearly self-taught more than Zuko is. He is wild and dangerous. He treats their matches like real combat. Zuko has to surrender before he can be badly hurt more often than not.

Jet discovers they are Fire Nation and tries to kill him. Zuko knew he was dangerous. He defends himself, defends the shop and his Uncle. Jet is taken away by guards screaming at the top of his lungs that Zuko is the one who is dangerous.

Jin is… well Zuko isn’t sure how to describe Jin.

She keeps watching him from the corner of the shop. It makes Zuko’s skin crawl. Uncle just thinks it’s funny.

They go on a date and Zuko make a complete mess of it. He can barely interact with people so he isn’t sure what his uncle was expecting him to do on a date. Jin is patient though. She works hard to avoid subjects that make him irritable or questions he can’t answer. She takes his blunt comments in stride and while she probably isn’t happy, she at least doesn’t seem offended.

She takes him to the fountain but the lanterns are all dark. Zuko watches as her semi-forced cheer drains out of her. It looks wrong. Like giving up.

“Close your eyes.” He says on impulse.

The way she lights up when she opens them is worth the risk. The lanterns sparkle around them like their own private night sky.

She kisses him.

Zuko runs away.

Jin’s at the shop the next day with the coupon. “Wanna be friends?” she says with a bright smile.

He really, really does.

Zuko doesn’t want to capture the Avatar anymore. He had already decided that months ago. But then he sees the missing poster for the sky bison.

His hair is tickling the nape of his neck and his hates it. Wants to shave it off like when he was first banished. It’s growing unevenly from the bad cut. The front is too long and the top is too short. Uncle never lets him cut his hair short.

He grabs his mask and dao and doesn’t think.

Uncle is there when he finds the beast. He’s angry in a way Zuko isn’t used to, isn’t sure he has ever seen directed at him.

“You must decide your destiny.” Uncle shouts as if it’s that easy.

Zuko looks at him. Feels the tickle of hair on his neck. “Will you cut my hair?”

Uncle seems surprised. To be fair Zuko didn’t know he was going to say that either. They stare at each other for several moments before Uncle nods slightly. “Of course, my dear nephew.”

Zuko takes a deep breath, nods, and lets the bison free.

He gets sick, he gets better, and Uncle cuts his hair short and even and still a little shaggy around his face.

“How do you feel?” Uncle asks, warm and soft and safe.

“I feel better. I feel like myself.” Zuko can’t help but smile as he runs his hands through his short hair over and over again.

Of course, Azula shows up. She’s always been good at ruining things for Zuko.

Falling down the earthen tunnel hurts. It’s not smooth at all and every bump is going to be a bruise. There’s a gasp and someone calling his name as Zuko holds his head trying to get his vision to focus.

It’s the waterbender. Judging from her appearance she had a similar fall. There’s a strange look in her eye for a second. Something like worry or fear. Then she starts yelling.

Zuko isn’t a stranger to yelling. He yells a lot. He probably deserves to be yelled at more. That was never really Father’s style. He needs to conserve his energy until there’s an opening. Yelling isn’t going to help.

And then she calls him Princess.

“I’m a man!” He shouts, jumping to his feet so fast his head spins. “Stop calling me Princess! You can hate me and call me evil or whatever you want but I’m a man!”

She takes a step back at his outburst. Her blue eyes wide in shock and surprise. Then her face shutters, her arms move into a bending form even though they are in a cave with no water for her to use. “Struck a nerve there, didn’t I?” She says trying to sound mean and smug. She pales compared to Azula.

Zuko forces himself to take several deep breaths. He doesn’t want to fight her. It’s not worth it. “Just leave me alone. Your friends are coming to save you soon, they always do.” He walks the few paces to the far wall and sits down with his knees to his chin.

She looks almost mad when he backs down. “But your sister-”

“My sister is going to take me home to be imprisoned or executed. I’m a traitor to my people. You won’t have to worry about me anymore.” Zuko huffs. He doesn’t want to look at her anymore. He doesn’t want to be here. He just wants Uncle.

“Traitor? But you’re the Pr- uh, royalty. The Fire Lord’s heir. You’ve done nothing but chase us for months. That seems pretty in line with what the Fire Nation would praise.”

“I chased you but I never captured the Avatar. I failed. It’s not that complicated.” Zuko says dryly.

She’s quiet for a long moment. “Is-Is that why you were trying to capture Aang? So, you could go home?” He hates how soft her voice sounds. Like pity. Zuko refuses to answer.

“The Fire Nation killed my mother.”

Zuko’s head snaps up. She’s touching the necklace he stole months ago.

“I’m sorry.” He says automatically.

She smiles bitterly but it’s not mean. “Me too. Raiders invaded when I was little. Mom protected me. They killed her.”

Zuko can’t understand why she is telling him this. He has seen a lot of tragedy the last three years due to the war. Maybe she wants him to understand how horrible his people are, his nation. But there are good people too.

“My mom’s gone too.” He offers. “She protected me when I was a kid and then she was gone.”

She sits next to him with a deep, bone-weary sigh. “For a long time when I thought of the enemy, I pictured your face.”

Zuko can’t help but flinch, hand reaching up to trace the bottom of his scar. “It’s pretty bad, huh?”

Her eyes go wide again, this time with something more like panic. “That’s not what I meant.” She hurries to say. Zuko scoffs. “Well, maybe it is. I guess. That was pretty horrible of me to say. I could maybe- if you want that is-”

“What?” Zuko snaps.

“I can heal. Maybe I can heal it for you?”

“It’s a scar. It’s as healed as it will ever get.”

“Maybe.” She admits but she is fishing a vial out from under her tunic. “I have this water from the Spirit Oasis. It’s supposed to have special properties. Maybe it could work?”

Zuko can’t breathe. After the infection and debridement, the wound healed poorly. The skin is rough and dead to the touch though it still burns when near heat. He can’t see well out of that eye and his hearing isn’t the best either. He’s wanted to cut his scar off a thousand times. But for it to be gone? For it to even just be less? He’s never even hoped for that.

Still.

It’s not the first thing he would fix about his body.

“Actually-”

He is interrupted by the grinding of stone. They jump apart, ready to fight but then the Avatar and Uncle are there. Uncle hugs him tightly, almost desperately, like he had after his ship exploded. He tells the waterbender, Katara and the Avatar to go ahead.

Uncle takes Zuko’s hands in his. He isn’t smiling. His expression is tight and serious. He is talking about a crossroads. About being good. About doing the right thing. Zuko understands. He isn’t stupid but it’s too much too fast.

“I just want to be me.” Zuko says almost pleading.

“But who do you want to become?” Uncle asks.

Then Azula is there. Her tone mocking, her promises sweet. She has always been able to lie in just the right way to make Zuko believe her. Uncle is yelling and Azula is taunting, the Avatar and Katara are fighting for their lives against Dai Li agents that just keep coming.

Zuko is tired.

He kind of wants to die

Mostly he just wants to go home.

He fires a blast at the Avatar. Katara looks hurt then furious. That’s okay. Zuko is used to being hated. His fire is weak after not being able to truly practice for months but he has never known when to give up.

The Avatar is hovering, light pouring out of him, moments away from wiping them out.

There’s a crack and a flash. Azula is laughing as the Avatar, a child, dies.

Zuko kind of hates being home. He isn’t used to servants dressing him anymore. The imperial red and gold silk feels too smooth against his skin. He wears military garb when he can but they often force him into dresses and silk slippers and delicate eye makeup. They use special oils to promote hair growth and clip in pretty pins once it’s long enough to hold them.

Azula finds it hilarious.

They call him Princess Zuko and his skin crawls.

Still some things are okay. Mai and Ty Lee pick up their strained friendship from where it was abandoned as children. Even Azula seems happy to have him home in her own way. They never got to say goodbye when he was banished.

He feels wrong but he isn’t hungry anymore. Maybe this is for the best. Maybe he can convince Father that the war needs to stop, or at least policies need to change. Surely, he can do more good in the palace than he could have dead.

They go to the beach on a forced vacation. It’s incredibly awkward. Any topic from the last three years is off limits. Mai makes cutting remarks when he tries to flirt with her. They don’t say anything when he refuses to take his tunic off. Azula teases him that he looks cute in the swimsuit she picked out but doesn’t push it further.

Then some asshole picks on his little sister.

It’s sort of fun, definitely cathartic, when they trash his house. He and Azula are both pretty messed up but they enjoy breaking things and this was worth breaking.

Zuko’s hair starts tickling the back of his neck. It makes his skin crawl.

He visits Uncle. Zuko can’t ask him to cut his hair anymore, that’s Father’s role now, but he wants him to understand why he made the wrong choice. He wants Uncle to tell him that it’s okay, that everything will work out. Uncle won’t speak to him.

After he goes to the war meeting, dressed up like the Crowned Princess, Zuko knows he has to leave.

He packs quickly, rips the pins out of his hair, and leaves a note for Mai with a confession and an apology.

It’s chaotic. He doesn’t even really remember what he tells Father. Something about honor and being a shitty dad maybe. Redirecting his lightning kind of scrambles Zuko’s memory.

Mother is alive.

Trying to join the Avatar’s group goes worse than he expected. He considered that they might just kill him but somehow the rejection is far more painful. Whatever. He can just camp nearby and wait. The Avatar needs Zuko to teach him firebending. Zuko just has to be patient.

Then he burns the earthbender’s feet.

Then he saves them from the assassin he hired in a blind panic.

Then he is eating dinner with them. It’s icy and awkward. No one really talks to Zuko and everyone keeps looking at him like he might attack any second but everyone’s alive so that’s good enough for him.

Toph, the little earthbender, insists that he carry her around until her feet are healed. Zuko thinks that’s more than a fair trade. She seems to trust him, or at least trusts herself to be able to defeat him. Zuko has no doubt she could.

They spend a lot of time together those first few days. She likes making impossible demands and then cackles wildly when he manages to fulfill her requests anyway. He did this sort of thing for Azula before Mother left. Oddly he finds it comforting.

It’s almost lunch time, not that he eats lunch with them, when Toph demands he take her to the best basking spot in the temple. She noticed early on how he relaxes in sun and calls him an owlcat along with the appropriate mocking noises. Now she likes to sit in the sun with him away from Aang’s worrying and the siblings’ biting comments.

“You’re a girl, right?” Toph asks as bluntly as she ever does.

Zuko goes rigid. “I’m a man!” He snaps.

She just waves her hand dismissively. “Yeah, yeah, I know that Sparky, but like technically, right?”

“No!” Zuko is on his feet. His fists tight at his sides.

“Would you calm down? I’m trying to ask a question!” Toph shouts back. She looks weirdly flustered. Her ears are just a little red.

“What?” He snaps. He’s still mad but he doesn’t really want to fight with Toph.

“I’m twelve.” She says a little softer though her voice is still strong and steady. “I’m twelve and mom wouldn’t tell me anything and I will throw myself off this cliff before I ask Katara. She’ll be all weird and baby me about it. I just want to know what to expect.”

She looks so angry and afraid. Zuko wonders if he looked like that to Officer Hanako.

“Okay.” Zuko groans. He sits back down even though his skin is crawling. He can feel hair on the back of his neck. “Okay, fine. I understand.” He tries to explain it like Officer Hanako had. Judging by Toph’s fists in her lap and her bright pink cheeks she is as uncomfortable as he is. She asks a few questions just a stammering as Zuko had been. He answers as best he can. “When it starts, I’ll help you. We can get some supplies ready. I don’t think I brought any with me.”

“Thanks, Zuko.” She says with an awkward smile. “I owe you one.”

“I burned your feet.” He says dryly.

She waves him off. “You’re paying me back by being my ostrich-horse. That’s different.” She hops up and reaches for him while wiggling her fingers. Zuko shifts to a crouch so she can climb on his back like he’s done dozens of times now. “I’m starving. Let’s get some lunch.”

He carries her back up to the main room they’ve been using. Katara glares at him immediately before turning away as if he isn't there. Zuko sets Toph down but she shifts the stone beneath his feet before he can take a step. He falls in a heap next to her. “Toph!” Zuko barks in surprise.

“Where do you think you’re going, Sparky. You have to get my bowl.” Her smile is mischievous. Zuko’s groan is mostly for show.

Katara thrusts the warm bowl in his hands with a mean little noise but no real complaints. “Your majesty.” He says blandly passing the dish to Toph.

“I don’t want that bowl. Get me a different one.” Her voice is haughty as she turns up her nose.

Zuko turns back to Katara, he knows his expression is stormy but he doesn’t really care. “Toph eat your food.” Katara snaps over his shoulder.

“I would if you’d give it to Zuko.” Toph says boredly. Katara grumbles but shoves another bowl into Zuko’s hands. “Now sit.” Toph commands. Zuko rolls his eyes but follows her orders as usual. She swaps the first bowl with the new one. “Dig in Sparky.”

Katara lets out something like a squawk, but before she can really react Aang and Sokka come in. “Are you going to eat with us, Zuko?” Aang says brightly, a huge grin on his face.

“Apparently.” Zuko grumbles. It’s not really any different than dinner, the only time he’s been eating with them. Everyone ignores him but Toph is next to him and their knees touch just a little.

He honestly zones out a bit. He is so tired. He hasn’t slept well in weeks and the nightmares have been worse since leaving home. The food is bland but it’s warm.

“-uko. Zuko. Hey Princess!” He snaps back awake to the sound of Sokka cursing. He’s holding the top of his head and groaning in pain. A chunk of ceiling lays next to him.

Zuko looks around on high alert. Everyone is staring at him. Or no. Everyone is staring at Toph. He looks down and she is smiling innocently. It is very unconvincing on her dirty face.

“Toph!” Sokka whines. “What was that for?”

“What? Oh, did I earthbend on accident? Sorry, that happens sometimes. I can’t control my own strength.” She snickers behind her hand.

Zuko is gaping but so is everyone else.

“What did you want to ask Sparky?” She asks as if nothing happened.

Sokka rubs the bump on his head with a frown. “I was going to ask if you wanted to go hunting after lunch.” He grumbles.

“Lucky for you, I won’t be needing Zuko’s services this afternoon. He is available for manly bonding.” She drops her tone when she says manly and Zuko can’t help the laugh that slips between his teeth.

Zuko coughs into his fist trying to wipe the smile off his face. “What Toph said.”

Things get a little easier after that. It’s still awkward. Katara still hates him but Aang and Sokka are getting used to him. Haru, Teo and the Duke don’t really seem to mind him either way. Toph only makes him carry her around occasionally once her feet heal.

Sometimes he hears a falling stone and someone’s shout of “Toph!” echo around the Temple. Zuko smiles every time.

They meet dragons. Real, living dragons. Zuko doesn’t think he will ever get over how cool that is. His bending comes back stronger than ever. It’s easy to make flame in a way it has never been for him before. It feels natural and free.

Aang makes great progress. He’s still shy around fire but it’s easier now. There’s more in common with airbending than Zuko realized and he tries to mix the two a little bit to make it feel familiar. He has to remind himself not to yell and to give praise. He doesn’t have to remind himself not to burn his student.

A few days later Zuko feels horrible. Thankfully he got his supplies in order beforehand. It still surprises him. The bleeding comes so irregularly it’s always a surprise. It makes his skin crawl.

“Zuko?” Aang calls from the door to Zuko’s room.

“Training’s cancelled. Go back to bed.”  He doesn't even try to hide the misery in his voice.

Aang does not go back to bed. He creeps closer peering down with his big, worried grey eyes. “Are you okay?”

“No.” Zuko snaps. “Just leave me alone.” He’s clutching a flat stone to his stomach with one hand and pulls his blanket up higher with the other.

“Oh.” Aang sounds like he fully understands and Zuko kind of wants to die. “Do you want me to get Toph or Katara?”

“I’m fine, Aang.” He bites out. He keeps his eyes firmly on the wall.

“You’re not though. The monks taught us all the same stuff and we all shared rooms. I know it can really hurt. Let me help.” His voice is small the way it is whenever he talks about growing up a hundred years ago. Zuko feels his anger fade a little unwillingly.

“Just tell everyone to leave me alone. Please.”

“Okay. I can ask Toph to block the door. If you want?”

“Yeah.” Zuko sighs.

“Okay. Do you want some breakfast?”

“No.”

Aang nods. “I’ll check on you later, okay?”

“Sure, Aang.” There’s a feather-light touch on the side of his head for just a moment before the boy finally leaves.

Zuko predictably feels better the next day. Aang is already at their usually meditation spot though clearly not meditating well as he waves wildly to Zuko. He sighs before going to join the boy.

“Are you feeling better?” Aang asks brightly.

“Mostly.” Zuko admits. “Just breathing exercises today.” Aang grins and falls into form. The morning sun is shining on them. It’s warm and comforting and settles the last of his upset stomach.

Zuko realizes that breaking into the Boiling Rock is a bad idea rather late in the process. He wasn’t going to let Sokka go alone obviously. They still weren’t exactly close, but they have sparred a few times and Sokka asked him to go hunting and foraging sometimes. In the last few weeks Sokka’s biting comments had turned into teasing and Zuko likes it. It’s friendly in a way he never expected.

Still not letting Sokka die in a Fire Nation prison is about all the plan that Zuko had. Now he has been found out. The prison uniforms are all the same. Being a high-profile prisoner means he gets his own cell so at least he doesn't have to worry about which side they put him in.

It goes both better and worse than it could have, he supposes. He gets beaten up a little and shoved in the cooler. His sister and her friends show up and try to kill everyone. He almost falls into the boiling lake. But everyone gets out in one piece and they manage save Sokka’s dad and the leader of the Kyoshi Warriors too.

Seeing Mai is horrible. She is so angry and makes it clear she doesn’t feel the same way about him. She saves him though so maybe she doesn’t entirely hate him.

Now Sokka and Hakoda and Suki are reuniting while Zuko works the furnace. There is a fine tremor in his hands even as he keeps his feet firmly rooted. He is starving and exhausted and everything aches. His sweat soaked hair tickles the back of his neck. He kind of wants to die.

“Zuko?” Sokka calls as he enters the boiler room. “Dude, aren’t you hot? I’m sweating just looking at you.”

“It’s fire, Sokka. Of course it’s hot.” He says punching another blast. He wipes his forehead with the back of his hand. He can feel his messy fringe sticking up. “Did you need something?”

“Just coming to check on you. Wanted to make sure you’re okay.” His eyes narrow as he looks Zuko over. His eyes are sharp and calculating. “I’m gonna go with a no on that one.”

“I’m fine.” Zuko bites back.

“Yeah no, you’re not. You need to take a break and eat something.”

“I need to make sure we don’t fall out of the sky.” Zuko punches another blast of flame even though the furnace doesn’t need it. It’s a little dramatic but he doesn’t care.

“You know what, fine. I’ll bring the break to you, Mr. Grumpypants.” Sokka sniffs indignantly and storms off. Zuko doesn’t bother rolling his eyes.

About thirty minutes later the Water Tribe boy is back dragging Chit Sang behind him. “Alright, shift change. Chop chop.” The man seems annoyed to be dragged around by a kid but doesn’t really protest before taking Zuko’s position. “You’re coming with me.” Sokka grabs Zuko’s hand and pulls him out of the sweltering heat.

“…Sokka.”

“No complaining, mister.” He marches them down to the crew quarters. The door opens on a small room with a few cots and a spread of rations on a crate. “Now, sit. Eat. Good Jerkbender.”

Zuko groans but sits down and takes a long drink of water. “I’m fine, Sokka. Seriously.”

“I don’t need Toph to tell me you’re lying.” Sokka says sitting next to him on the cot and grabbing a sausage. Zuko smiles a little even though he is so, so tired. They eat in silence for a while. It’s nice, comfortable.

Zuko doesn’t realize he is falling asleep until Sokka says “I’m sorry.”

“Hm? Why?” Zuko mumbles.

“I was a real jerkbender when you showed up wanting to start over.”

“I started it.” Zuko argues.

“Yeah, well, that doesn’t mean I should have been an asshole. I’ll talk to Katara when we get back. Tell her to lay off. Honestly, I think Toph’s meddling has made her even more mad at you.” Sokka snickers a little.

“Toph is scary.” Zuko fights to stay awake. “I like her.”

“Come here, buddy.” Sokka wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close until Zuko’s head is resting in the crook of the other boy’s neck. “Get some rest. I promise I’ll wake you up before the balloon crashes.”

“Ha ha.” Zuko says dryly. He is so tired but he’s comfortable. Sokka is comfortable. He lets himself fall asleep.

The Temple is loud when they get back. Katara is both thrilled to have her father back and furious that Sokka left without telling anyone. Zuko is surprised Toph isn’t more upset at having been left out of a prison break but when she hears about the hours in the war balloon, she decides it wasn’t worth it.

It’s nice. Mostly. They sit around the campfire and Sokka and Hakoda take turns telling the story. They are amazing storytellers and everyone is very engaged by the tale. They even make Zuko’s leap of faith sound heroic instead of desperate and stupid.

Hakoda is laughing brightly. He smiles freely at all of them. It’s strange. He looks at Zuko as he says “I must say, I was very impressed by the Princess-” His words cut off. There’s a loud thud, a hissing breath, then silence.

“Toph!” He shouts in panic. Zuko can feel the color draining from his face. Chief Hakoda of the South Water Tribe is rubbing at his head looking dazed. Not angry to Zuko’s shock, just surprised.

“What?” Toph snaps. She looks furious. “Just cause he’s a grown up doesn’t mean he gets to get away with it.”

“Toph you can’t just keep attacking people, especially not my dad!” Katara bursts.

“Oh, I’m sorry, did you magically wake up today and decide not to be a bitch?  No?  Okay, then I'll keep doing what I'm doing.”

“Toph!” Katara gasps. Zuko isn’t sure he has ever seen the waterbender this furious with anyone other than him.

“Katara, calm down. I misspoke, it’s alright.” Hakoda places a hand on his daughter’s arm but she wrenches away.

“You didn’t misspeak.” She says in a mocking tone. “Zuko is a Princess!”

Zuko grabs Toph before she has a chance to shift her weight and launch a stone. “Toph, stop. It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not fine! Katara can’t keep getting away with treating you like trash!”

“Am I the only one who remembers what she put us through?” She throws her arms wide looking for support. No one stands up.

“Katara, Zuko’s changed. Yeah, he did bad stuff but being horrible to him isn’t going to undo that.” Sokka says calm and solid. “You need to get over it and give him a chance.” Zuko can’t help but feel a spark of joy even as the tension makes him want to die.

Katara looks around once more. She screams, primal and angry, and storms off.

Hakoda sighs and the pressure seems to ease a little. “I’ll go speak with her. Sorry to spoil the evening.”

“Don’t call Zuko that again or else.” Toph threatens.

“Seriously, Toph, quit it.” Zuko snaps.

Hakoda steps around the fire and leans down to put a hand on Zuko’s shoulder. He stiffens in surprise. “My apologies, Zuko. Perhaps we can speak in the morning?”

“Uh, sure?” The man smiles down at him for a moment before going after his daughter.

Zuko doesn’t sleep much that night.

Hakoda is waiting for him as he finishes Aang’s morning lessons. He is smiling which is good. He seems like the gentle type, like Uncle. Zuko approaches cautiously anyway.

“Good morning, your highness.”

“Zuko is fine.” He says feeling weirdly shy. He isn’t really sure how to feel about Hakoda. He isn’t responsible for Zuko but he’s still an adult. He’s still bigger than him.

“I wanted to apologize again for last night.” Hakoda starts but Zuko cuts him off by raising his hand.

“No, I’m sorry. Toph is a menace. I shouldn’t have encouraged her to do that before.”

Hakoda nods but doesn’t look like he’s really agreeing to anything. “Nevertheless, Sokka explained everything to me before we arrived at the Temple. I misspoke. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

“I, uh, sure. It’s fine.” Zuko can feel his face burning.

“You know, Katara and Sokka may not be aware, but in the Southern Water Tribes we have people like you. It was more common before the war but even when I was a boy there were a few in nearby villages.” Zuko’s face is burning for a different reason now. “As long as there are enough men for the men’s work and enough women for the women’s work the details never really mattered.”

“Oh.”

Hakoda pats his shoulder like he had the night before. “You’re a good man, Zuko. Thank you for saving me and my boy.”

“Uh, you’re welcome.” Zuko offers weakly.

Offering to help Katara get revenge on the Southern Raiders was probably a worse plan than the Boiling Rock in hindsight. She can’t bring herself to kill the man but Zuko didn’t think she would. She’s too good for that.

She thanks him for helping her find closure but she’s still cold. Katara isn’t cruel anymore, so Zuko considers it a victory.

She stops calling him Princess.

Katara notices first the next time the bleeding comes. She gives him a worried look, the kind she saves for her friends. Zuko hates it and he kind of wants to die.

“Come on.” She says gently, taking his arm and dragging him back in the house after his morning training with Aang. She forces him back into bed like a little kid.

“You shouldn’t push through it if it’s that bad.” She says. “It’s okay to rest.”

“I don’t have time to rest. Aang needs to train if he’s going to defeat Ozai.” Zuko grumbles. The nausea is overwhelming. The pain is even worse.

“One day, Zuko. Give yourself that much. I know you aren’t sleeping and you’re not eating enough again. I’m sure that made it worse.” He hates how gentle she sounds.

“It’s always like this.” He admits. He has to look away when her face softens with surprise.

She uncorks her waterskin, the water glows as it slips around her hands like gloves. “Can I take a look? Master Yagoda said extreme pain can be a sign of more serious issues. Maybe I can help?”

Zuko hates this.

His skin is crawling.

He can feel hair tickling the back of his neck.

He kind of wants to die.

He is so, so tired.

“Okay.”

He lifts his tunic halfway so she can touch his bare skin. Her small smile is sympathetic and awkward.

The water is cool on his skin. It doesn’t feel like a warm rock but it’s soothing in its own way. There’s a sudden sharp ache and he hisses through his teeth. “Sorry. It’s no wonder you’re in so much pain. Just breath. This is going to take a while and it’s going to hurt, okay?”

Zuko bites his lip and nods. He’s used to pain. He can handle a little more.

He’s drenched in sweat by the end. He’s mortified. Zuko whimpered like a child through the entire ordeal but when Katara is finally done the ache is softer, more bearable. Zuko sighs deep from his soul.

Katara’s sweating too. She looks completely drained. “We probably need to do it a few more times for the next handful of cycles until your body understands what it’s supposed to be doing. The hardest part is done though. You okay?”

“I’m fine.” He is so tired.

Katara stays for several minutes. He listens to her pant until her breathing finally evens out. She gathers her things and stands to leave.

“Katara?”

“Yes, Zuko?”

He swallows thickly. “When we were in Ba Sing Se you asked if you could heal my scar. If we had had a little more time, I was going to ask you to make the bleeding stop instead.”

She falls on him, hugging him fiercely.

They both pretend they aren't crying.

It feels strange to be back at the Ember Island house so soon and with such a different group of people. At least with Team Avatar he can starfish on the beach in relative peace. They probably aren’t going to stab him.

A shadow looms over him sometime in the afternoon. “Time to get up lazy bones.” Sokka says. Zuko groans and refuses to open his eyes. “I want to spar and everyone else went to town.” A foot nudges at his side.

“Don’t wanna.” He mumbles.

“You’ve been roasting under the sun for hours. Come on.” This time when Sokka nudges him Zuko flops over onto his stomach. “Zukoooo.” The other boy whines.

“Fine. I’m up. I’m up.” Zuko pushes off the beach, brushing sand off his bare arms.

“Hold still.” Sokka laughs. He brushes the sand off the back of Zuko’s head. The hair tickles the back of his neck. Zuko shudders. His skin crawls. “You okay, bud?”

“I was before you made me stand up.” He grouches.

“Hey no deflecting, I’ll tattle to Toph.”

Zuko rolls his eyes but takes the threat seriously. “I’m fine. My hair’s getting too long is all.”

“Suki can cut it when they get back. She’s pretty good at it.”

“No, she can’t.” Sokka makes a face so Zuko adds. “It’s a Fire Nation thing. Only our parents can cut our hair.”

“Something tells me the Fire Lord isn’t going to come have a fatherly grooming session with you before the world ending comet shows up so you should just let Suki do it.”

“I’ll think about it.” Zuko lies.

Sokka has gotten much better with his swordsmanship. Zuko still wins most of their matches but it’s getting more even. He loves getting to go all out with his blades. Sokka is good enough he doesn’t have to worry about seriously hurting him anymore. It’s fun. It’s way better than sparring with Jet, definitely less bloody.

They are both sweating and panting in the shade of the house after an hour. “I’m dying.” Sokka says pulling off his shirt. “I’m so hot I’m going to die.”

“No, you won’t.” Zuko pants back. “The ocean will cool you off.”

“Now there’s an idea. Come on.” Sokka reaches for Zuko’s hand, but he pulls away. “What?”

“I’m not getting my clothes wet.  They'll get all crusty from the salt.”

“Fine.” Sokka shimmies out of his pants leaving him in his underclothes. “Strip, let’s go swimming.”

“No.” Zuko feels his face flush.

Sokka pauses. Zuko can see his brain spinning as the words catch up with him, then he is blushing too. “Come on, dude. It’s just us. They won’t be home until sunset.”

“No, you’re going to be weird about it.” Zuko snaps.

“I promise I won’t be weird about it. It’s just two guys going for a swim. It’s not weird.” When Zuko doesn’t budge Sokka presses his lips together. Zuko knows that face. It’s the one Sokka wears when he's going over battle plans and contingencies, looking for weaknesses to exploit. “Okay, come swimming with me and I’ll owe you a favor. I’ll do your chores or tell you something embarrassing about myself. Whatever you want.”

Sokka is trying to be casual. His posture is a little too stiff and his smile is a little too forced, but he’s trying.

“Fine.” Zuko eventually caves. “But I’ll drown you if you say anything.”

“My lips are sealed, good sir.” He mimes sewing his lips shut.

Zuko pulls off his tunic and kicks off his pants. He feels exposed in just his undergarments and chest wrap. Sokka’s eyes go a little wide, but he keeps his mouth shut.

“Now was that so hard?” He tries to tease.

“Yes.” Zuko snaps.

“Fair enough.” He grabs Zuko’s hand and drags him to the shore. “The sea waits for no man!” he shouts flinging Zuko into the surf. Zuko surfaces sputtering and spitting out sand. Sokka is cackling. “Aw, do jerkbenders not learn how to swim?”

Zuko gets to his feet. He pushes his wet hair out of his face. “You’re going to regret that.”

“Oh yeah?” Sokka tilts his chin. “No wait!” His eyes go wide, and he throws up his hands, but Zuko is already tackling him beneath the waves.

They lay on the beach letting the sun dry them off once they are too tired to stay in the water. It’s warm. He feels good. He feels like himself.

“Sokka?” He mumbles, soft and tired.

“Yeah, buddy?”

“Thanks.”

“What are best friends for?”

Zuko wakes up from a nightmare, chest heaving and heart racing. It’s a bad one, the kind where Aang dies. It’s not long after midnight but he knows he isn’t going to be sleeping anytime soon. His hair tickles his neck and he kind of wants to die.

He digs around in their supplies until he finds Sokka’s shaving kit. He really doesn’t want to do this, but his skin is crawling and won’t stop. He takes a mirror from a powder room and goes out into the garden. He’s surprised to see Suki and Sokka murmuring under the moonlight. Zuko turns to leave but Sokka calls out.

“Sorry.” Zuko says. “I’ll find somewhere else to have my breakdown.”

“Join us, Zuko.” Suki says. Her voice sounds raspy and raw. “We’re already having one.”

He steps closer and sees their matching red eyes. “Oh.” Zuko sits down on the stone bench with them still clutching the small bag.

“Wanna talk about it?” Suki asks. She leans against his side and pries the kit from his clenched fist. She starts digging through it.

“Not really.” Zuko says stiffly.

“Is that my razor?” Sokka leans over Suki’s other side.  The blade glints in the light of the full moon. “Dude, I told you Suki can cut your hair. You don’t have to panic shave in the middle of the night.”

“Suki can’t cut my hair. Only my father and Uncle can.” He pauses. “I guess technically Azula could under the right circumstances.”

“You’d trust your incredibly dangerous sister near your face with scissors?” Sokka laughs but it’s not a nice one.

“Of course not.” Zuko snaps. “That’s not the point. In the Fire Nation, our hair is sacred. It’s a symbol of the gift of life our parents gave us. Cutting it is disrespectful.”

“Let’s be practical about this.” Suki interjects. “Your hair is getting longer and it’s bothering you. It could get in your face during combat which could lead to you getting injured or killed. I can cut it for you. It doesn’t have to be much, just enough so it’s not a distraction.”

Zuko hates that he agrees. “Fine. Just a little. I didn’t want to shave it off anyway.”

There’s a pair of scissors in Sokka’s kit. Zuko sits at Suki’s feet and tilts his head forward. Her hands aren’t gentle or soft. They’re quick and efficient, just like her fans. Somehow, it makes it easier how different her touch is compared to Uncle's. Sokka tells her to take more off his neck but otherwise it’s quiet and calm. When she’s done, he feels lighter.

“Thanks.” Zuko grumbles though he’s too relieved to really sound mad.

“Of course. Anytime.”  Suki says.

“Hopefully never again.” Zuko says dryly.

“Alright, now that we’re all panicked out, I say we share the bottle of wine I found in the kitchen and pass out on the beach.” Sokka stretches with a loud grunt as he stands up.

“Sokka.” Suki reproaches.

“I’m in.” Zuko agrees.

Suki playfully hits the back of his head. “Boys, I swear.” She complains, but she’s laughing a little too.

They pass the bottle around murmuring stories and reassurance until they fall asleep in a pile on the sand.

Aang finds the portraits. Zuko kind of wants to die.

He thought he and Azula had burned them all during sibling bonding time but apparently not.

“Which one is Zuko, do you think?” Aang asks holding up a portrait of him and Azula when they were really little. They are wearing matching silk dresses and sitting on a stone bench in the garden. Azula was too young for a topknot, so they have matching twin buns. “They look like twins. So cute.”

Zuko lights a flame in his palm, but Katara douses it before he can use it. “Calm down, Zuko. They’re just baby pictures.”

“Sparky, need me to do the thing?” Toph asks with a wide grin. She already has a rock in her hand.

“No, Toph, don’t do the thing. It’s fine. I just hate it.” Zuko grumbles.

Sokka puts a hand on his shoulder. “You grew up to be very handsome, Zuko. You look nothing like your crazy sister.”

“I look exactly like my crazy sister but thank you. Everyone called us twins growing up. Honestly, I think it bothered Azula more than me.”

“Who’s this?” Aang asked pulling out a portrait of Lu Ten with Zuko sitting poised in front of him.

“Oh.” Zuko reaches out and takes it. “I didn’t know there were pictures of Lu Ten here. This is me and my cousin.” Zuko is wearing one of his less extravagant dresses, something more pink than imperial red, his hair in a thick braid over his shoulder. Lu Ten looks sharp in his military uniform. “He died when I was around eleven. I guess I thought Uncle got rid of all of Lu Ten’s portraits.” Zuko passes it back but now everyone is frowning at him.

“I’m sorry, Zuko.” Aang says sadly as if he had anything to do with it.

“It’s not your fault Aang. Lu Ten was on the front lines with Uncle. He didn’t make it back. I miss him a lot. He was the first person who really understood me. He taught me how to fight with swords and tie my hair up in a phoenix tail.” Zuko smiles despite his chest feeling tight. No one ever talked about Lu Ten after he died. It feels important now.

“He sounds like a good guy.” Sokka says leaning into him.

“You would have liked him. He was really funny. One time when I was maybe seven, we raided the kitchens.” Zuko can’t stop talking, like a flood gate has opened. Normally he just listens but it’s nice to be heard for a change. No one comments when he cries a little.

Zuko kind of wants to die.

He is in front of Uncle’s tent but is too afraid to go in. “You okay, buddy?” Sokka asks, that now familiar hand on his shoulder.

“What if he hates me?”

“He doesn’t hate you.”

“But what if he does?”

Sokka sighs heavily. They’ve had this conversation a dozen times at least. “If he’s an asshole we’ll sick Toph on him.” Zuko can’t suppress a weak laugh. “We won’t need to, but I won’t hesitate to unleash a feral earthbender on the Dragon of the West if he hurts my best friend, okay?”

“Okay.” Zuko takes a deep breath. “Will you wait here? Just in case?”

“Yeah man. I got your back.”

Zuko nods in thanks, braces himself, and pushes open the flap.

It’s not a big tent but somehow Uncle being right there is still a shock. Without hesitation Zuko falls to his knees, pressing his forehead to the ground. “I’m sorry Uncle. I failed you. I’m so sorry.”

Before his apology can gain any steam, warm familiar hands are pulling on his shoulders and tugging him close. “Zuko.” Uncle says voice tender with love. Zuko breaks. The tears flow easy as he clings to the person who loves him most in the world. It takes a long time for him to calm down.

When Zuko’s sobs are more like hiccups Uncle pushes him away enough to look at his face. “Why you are even more handsome than I remember, dear nephew.”

“Uncle.” Zuko huffs a little embarrassed.

“I’ll make us some tea. Sit, I want to hear everything.” Zuko does. He tells Uncle everything, from why he made his choice in Ba Sing Se to entering this very tent. By the end he’s tired and hoarse and feeling dried out. Hair tickles the back of his neck.

“Uncle, will you cut my hair?”

Uncle smiles wide and fond. “Of course.”

Zuko sits at his feet letting Uncle’s gentle humming and the snip of scissors calm him. In the end he feels lighter than ever. Zuko feels like himself.

They exit the tent together. His friends are all there waiting for him. Toph snaps to attention with a rock already in hand.

“Sparky, do I need to do the thing?”

Zuko laughs. “No Toph, it’s fine.” She grumbles like she’s disappointed but doesn’t bother hiding her smile. “Everyone, I want you to meet my Uncle Iroh.”

Uncle bows deeply to his friends. “I cannot thank you enough for helping my nephew. I know he can be difficult but knowing that you care for him makes this old man feel at peace.”

Zuko blushes badly but smiles wildly all the same.

Zuko might actually be dying this time. He can hear Katara and Azula fighting somewhere outside his vision. His limbs twitch with residual electricity and his chest is burning. Every breath is a struggle.

And yet.

He feels like himself.

“Zuko!” Katara is hovering over him, pressing cold water to his chest. “You idiot! Why did you do that?” She snaps at him, but it feels kind.

“She was gonna kill you.” He slurs.

“That doesn’t mean she gets to kill you! Stupid, idiot brothers.” She grumbles. “Hold still. This is really bad.”

“Okay.” Zuko mumbles. There’s sharp agonizing pain and everything goes a little fuzzy.

When he comes to, he’s in the palace though he isn’t sure which room. His chest hurts a lot. Zuko thinks he finally knows what agony feels like. He tries to shift his weight but grunts at the fresh, stabbing pain.

“If it isn’t my best friend, the new Fire Lord.” Sokka whispers. Zuko looks to his right and sees Sokka sitting in a chair with his leg straight out in front of him. He looks exhausted but he’s smiling like he always does. Bright and big and with his whole heart. “Everyone made it.” Something in Zuko’s heart unclenches leaving him a little breathless.

“What happened to your leg?” Zuko asks. His voice is hoarse like he’s been screaming.

“Broke it. What happened to your chest?”  Sokka says with a pointed look.

“Shot by lightning.”  He replies.

“That was really stupid, buddy.” Sokka says. “We were really worried about you.”

“Not my fault.” Zuko mumbles. “Azula cheated.”

“Little sisters hate to lose.” Sokka’s smile is a little strained this time. “Thanks for protecting Katara.”

“Of course.” Zuko blinks in surprise. “I think she said I’m her brother now.”

“That sounds like Katara.” Sokka huffs a quiet laugh.

It’s quiet for a few minutes. Zuko focuses on breathing through the constant pain. “What’s my chest look like?”

“I haven’t checked. Your wrap got burned and had to be removed.” Sokka says.

Zuko tries to move his arms, but they are heavy like lead. “I want to see it.”

“We should probably wait for Katara or Suki.”

“Don’t make it weird. You promised.” Zuko whines. He hurts so much. Sokka said he’s the Fire Lord now. Surely, he’s allowed to whine a little.

Sokka’s laugh is a little manic. “I did promise, didn’t I?” He shuffles a little closer and grabs the edge of the sheet covering Zuko. “I can’t not look. You know that right?”

“I don’t care.” Zuko says. “Just two guys checking out each other’s horrible war injuries. It’s not weird.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Sokka carefully peels the sheet back. “Shit.”

“Shit.” Zuko agrees. His pale skin is charred in a starburst. Little jagged lines shooting away from the main wound cover his torso. It looks unnatural.

“Well.” Sokka says after a moment. “It’ll be a really cool scar.”

Zuko laughs as the sheet is tucked back into place. Laughing makes everything hurt so much worse. “A very cool scar.” He agrees with a hiss of pain.

“I’m glad you didn’t die.” Sokka says softly. His hand shifts to cup Zuko’s and holds on tight. Zuko doesn’t hesitate to squeeze back.

“Yeah.” Zuko sighs. “This is going to sound horrible, but for the first time in a while I’m glad I didn’t die too.”

Sokka looks like he wants to cry and is just barely holding back. “I hate that so much.” He takes a shaky breath. “When Katara clears you, I’m going to hug you until you’re sick of me and then I’m going to kidnap you and wrap you up in blankets and force you to eat and take lots of naps. Maybe we’ll steal Appa and go on a little world tour, but for fun this time. No kids or little sisters allowed.”

Zuko can’t see Sokka well through the tears in his good eye. “I have to clear manly bonding activities with Toph first.”

Sokka laughs wet and desperate. He’s crying too.

Zuko is happier than he can ever remember.

Zuko’s coronation is a whirlwind. Katara refuses to let the Fire Sages even schedule anything until she gives her healer’s approval. Zuko isn’t allowed to wear his chest wraps until the wound is fully healed and it leaves him edgy and irritated. He feels exposed. It makes his skin crawl.

Uncle sweeps in and starts firing staff and persuading others until he feels the palace is safe. Sokka and Zuko spend a lot of time together being grumpy since they aren’t allowed to do anything but rest. Zuko has heard Toph is throwing rocks at people again, but he doesn’t really want to stop her. At least when he’s Fire Lord most people won’t call him Princess anymore, with or without Toph’s help.

There’s a mess with his robes. They prepare robes for a female Fire Lord, judging by the cut he can tell they were Azula’s rejects. In the end Zuko doesn’t have to do anything, Toph throws the priceless silk in the turtleduck pond and Aang lets Momo lose the slippers.

Eventually he is healed enough for the ceremony. Zuko stands before his people in his grand robes. Uncle did his hair into a top knot. His hair is short enough they had to use a lot of pins to keep every strand in place.

The crown sits perfectly.

His people cheer. His family cheers.

And finally,

Finally,

Zuko feels like himself.