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The wind feels kind today. A gentle breeze across her cheeks as Nahida lies down on the grass, hands tucked together against her torso while her gaze focuses on the clouds slowly passing by. She wonders if they’re trying to comfort her (not that she really needs one at the moment) or perhaps encourage her to go back to the city and to her duties. Still, she lies there, on a random hill she found while strolling along the outer edges of her beloved nation, content in the moment. Though her responsibilities loom just on the edge of her thoughts, it retreats back with each breath she takes.
It surprises her somewhat, how things didn’t need to be from different countries or cultures to feel drastically different. The peaceful breeze, the gentle sun, and the melodic singing of the nearby birds, it all feels like a different world when compared to the busy, hectic, and loud Sumeru City. She loves her city, but it feels good to be doing this.
That one looks like a dog and that one kind of looks like a rose. That one is amazing! It’s in the shape of Paimon’s head. That one is-
“What the hell are you doing?”
This cloud looks like Wanderer’s face. His grumpy one to be exact.
“Studying clouds.” Nahida answers teasingly, watching as Wanderer’s expression shifts to annoyance. One point to Nahida, she’d been secretly trying to see how many times she can annoy the boy in a day, winning if she gained at least three points before resetting them the next day. She would prefer to invoke a more positive emotion in the young man but that seemed like a steep hill to climb. Another time. Maybe . Petty annoyance is, after all, much better than vengeful anger. “I’m gaining a lot of knowledge from them.”
“Are you? Because this surprisingly looks like slacking.”
“As Sumeru’s Archon, I must not miss any form of knowledge, no matter how seeming. I wouldn’t call it slacking.”
“You’re full of shit.” The Wanderer shakes his head before he plops down next to her, a much colder breeze blowing towards her as he did. A different feeling that Barbatos’s gentle winds, but it isn’t unwelcomed. “What are you actually doing?”
Nahida feels a grin tugging at her lips. Grouchy and impatient but so perceptive, managing to see through her teasing and, in his words (she must emphasize this), bullshit, more often than not. Nahida likes to think that this is a sign that they were going closer but she knew how much he’ll deny it.
“I was simply watching the clouds,” Nahida’s words are the complete truth this time. She turns her gaze back to the skies and points at one cloud that’s shaped like a fish. “I never knew how soothing it could be.”
Wanderer snorts but turns his gaze upwards anyway. A kind gesture, in Nahida’s opinion, for him to test something without judging it first despite how silly it looks in his eyes. Knitting little plush dolls, growing potted plants, and pressing leaves within the pages of a book. Nahida prides herself in getting him to take up these silly activities as a little hobby.
This time, however, it seems that cloud watching would not be considered amongst the other activities as he quickly looks down again. He squints and Nahida is unsure whether or not because of the sun or because he was (now) judging her. Both. “Lord Kusanali-
“ Nahida,”
“Lord Kusanali, ” He presses back. ‘Don’t test me’, his expression seems to say, which Nahida finds humorous. Well, she tried anyway. One point Nahida. “Do you remember you have an appointment in half an hour? Is your age finally catching up to you?”
“I’m an Archon.”
“Is that a yes?”
Nahida purses her lips slightly. Ridiculous. If she was old in her tender age of five hundred, what would you call the older Archons? Nevertheless, she lets him have the point. “The village is not far from here, I can reach it in a few minutes despite the length of my legs. I have time.”
“You’ll regret saying that once we run into him .”
Ah. Nahida stifles a giggle. The man who sits by the river lining the small village nearby. The man looked like any ordinary villager, maybe a bit older, and he often started a chat whenever the two of them passed his special spot by the river, delving into them before they had any chance of saying no. The man, who preferred to be nameless, loved to tell stories. Fantastical and whimsical stories that ranged from tales of the Aranara to stories stemming from his own life. The authenticity of those stories were up for debate, but they were always so interesting to listen to albeit a bit long at times. At least in Nahida’s opinion. Wanderer often rolled his eyes at them which Nahida would respond to (Scolding, he would say) by jabbing an elbow to his side. The man never took any offense but he surely knew of Wanderer’s distaste for his stories.
“I quite like his tales!” Nahida says defensively, sitting up now.
“So you admit that his words are tales. Not real.” He scoffs. His hand comes up to her head, brushing away grass that got stuck to the edges of her ponytail. Nahida used to note every physical touch he initiated himself, thinking of them as a sort of rehabilitation progress . A conflicted look used to pass across his eyes everytime he did those things, now it’s become a natural habit.
“Tales or not, you must admit they’re a little bit interesting. Maybe he has a new tale to tell when we visit this time.”
“Yeah, right. 50 Mora says he’s going to repeat that story about him fighting a giant boar in the mountains of Dragonspine.” Wanderer laughs sarcastically.
Nahida gives him a light chiding look that Wanderer pretends to ignore. Taking sight of him now, sitting under the clouds, Nahida thinks back. Of cold metal fingers gripping the back of her dress and of stiff fingers digging into her soul to pull out a Gnosis. There had been no sky at the time, only the cold and mechanical ceiling of the now crumbling factory and the hard metal floor. Now, she notes that the sky above Wanderer's head is unbearably blue streaked with clouds.
“What?” His eyes narrow in suspicion under her curious gaze. His suspicion towards people, including towards her at certain times, would probably be the one habit he would never shake. Though she wants the boy to feel comfortable, she knows how that caution brings him a sense of comfort and protection so she had never tried to force him to erase it.
Nahida shakes her head. She stands, brushing away the grass and dirt sticking to her dress. When she finds a wayward leaf, blown by the wind before clinging to the neckline of her dress, she gently takes it between her hands. The gesture, as always, struck a part of her mind, sending a ticklish hue inside, an odd feeling she could never make heads or tails of ever since-
For now, she sends a gentle burst of Dendro through the leaf, wishing for it to grow into a fine plant, before sending it back to the wind. Grow, grow, grow.
“ Now are you ready to go?”
“...you kids should've seen me up there. That giant boar was gearing up to charge at me one last time, boulder-sized limbs thumping the snowy ground as it sized me up. I thought Death was going to greet me with a smile the next second! But, then, luck showed its light to me. With an odd burst of strength, I managed to - “
Nahida glances at Wanderer. He's doing a fine job of holding back a retort and a foul expression. She doesn't even need to jab an elbow to his side. He looked unnaturally emotionless, but Nahida can feel the fire underneath his mask, ready to lash out at any moment. Nahida holds back a snicker as she reaches out to slide in 50 Mora into his pocket. His eyes glance at her, but only to subtly roll his eyes.
Sometime in between their interaction, the nameless man had stopped his tales. He lets out a gentle laugh before sighing. Nahida blinks, noting the glitter of longing in his warm eyes. The edges of her fingertips tingle as a part of her itch to peek into the man’s mind, see his thoughts. An invasion of privacy, she knows, which is why she opts to offer a welcoming smile instead.
After a light silence, the man speaks once more. “Lesser Lord Kusanali, I want to offer you my gratitude. To your attendant as well.”
Apparently, those words are enough to even make Wanderer’s eyes widen ever so slightly. The reach doesn’t go unnoticed, the man giving a laugh which makes the boy scowl. Nevertheless, the man continues, their silence a sign for him to go ahead without holding back. “I know my stories seem too out of the ordinary, but I really was an adventure back when I was young. My adventures couldn’t be compared to the Traveler’s, but I remember them being an exciting adventure for me. ”
“You really love adventuring,” Nahida notes, taking a seat next to the man. Wanderer, wisely, takes a step back without uttering a word, pulling the rim of his hat lower. While he loved to make fun of her at times, he knew when it was time for her to do her duty as an Archon and she appreciates the gesture, especially when she can be a bit wobbly in her approach. She pours her utmost focus into it however.
“I do. My friends used to make fun of me, saying how I would never settle down and have a family because the love of my life will always be adventuring. They were right in the end. I’m still alone at this age, I don’t have a spouse or children to return to while others my age get visits from their grandchildrens.” He shakes his head, reminiscing gloomy memories that show through his expression. “I suppose, a few years ago, I felt like I was stuck in place while others ran past me so I abandoned adventuring, hoping to find a home, but it never felt right.”
The man’s sadness is almost palpable through the air. His lips tremble for a moment and his eyes grow slightly watery but he doesn’t cry. Nahida sits still, her much smaller hand coming up to gently squeeze his shoulder. The man smiles gratefully, finding relief and comfort in his Archon’s warm support.
“It seems like you’ve decided on something.”
“Yes. Telling those stories, exaggerated as they may be, to both of you…it reminds me that I still long to go out there. I may not have as much time as I used to, but I wish to spend it wisely. That is why, I’m here to tell you that today shall be my last day in this village. Tomorrow, I shall return to thread the path of my dreams. While I may never find the family I thought I was seeking, I’ve come to realize that staying in this one place is what truly being stuck means to me.”
There’s a glitter of determination in the man’s eyes. Despite his age, he looks youthful and full of energy at this moment. He said that his time was shorter than before, but in Nahida’s opinion, this man would keep adventuring for a long time until it fulfilled his desires. He might find a family in his travels or he might not but she doesn’t think that it would change anything or change his path.
“You have wonderful determination,” Nahida gets up from her seat and takes a step to stand before the man. A leaf floats into his empty palm and with a burst of Dendro, the leaf glows and disappears into the man’s skin, leaving nothing but a sparkle of an Archon’s power. “Then you have my blessing. You’ll face a lot of hurdles in this path, but as long as you persevere and keep walking forward, I believe you’ll succeed. So don’t hesitate and be happy.”
Tears slowly escape the corners of the man’s eyes. And as he mutters word after word of gratitude, Nahida looks up to see that the sky above them has become clear without so much as a single cloud.
“How rare of you.” Wanderer says flatly as they walk further into the village. Nahida thanks him when he manages to stop her from tripping her feet as they climb up the natural steps formed on the side of a steep hill.
“You mean blessing someone?” Nahida glances at him but she can't see his face, covered by his hat.
“No. Actually, everyone says you give blessings too freely and too many that it makes them feel ill.”
“Everyone?” She quirks an eyebrow.
“And by everyone I mean me.” He shrugs, hopping one step up the stairs, the gesture almost playful. “Anyway, no, that's not what I'm talking about. Everyone at the academy seemed to think that you don't bless adventurers or warriors all that much.”
“Oh,” Nahida pauses her steps. “Well, adventuring is a form of wisdom too. Wisdom to learn and see the world. Besides, calling it a blessing is a bit much. It barely involves any powers.”
“I don’t think magic is the part referred to as the blessing.” The Wanderer shrugs. He stops walking too and looks up at the sun, one hand holding his hat to his head. Nahida blinks, the setting sun still too blinding to figure out what the boy is thinking about. When he turns his head back to face her, his expression has settled back into that flat and cool gaze, but a rather devious grin sneaks up to his lips. “But, I can't wait to rub this in their faces. ‘ Lady Kusanali doesn't like blessing adventurers’, my as-”
“ Ehem.” Nahida shakes her head and the Wanderer rolls his eyes. Anyway, “Don't fight with your classmates.”
Wanderer throws a sour look at her. “I would never do that to them ,” His voice is sweetly sarcastic and his gestures are overly dramatic as he speaks. “Only to the stupid ones.”
Which means half of them, Nahida sighs but it’s hard to feel disappointed all that much. Wanderer thinking half of his fellow Vahumana students as not stupid is definitely progress in her book.
“He might never return, you know.” Wanderer suddenly asks, stopping without turning towards her. His voice is uncharacteristically quiet and hesitant. It makes Nahida pause.
“I know,” Nahida says. “But I would never stop someone from reaching their dreams.”
He shifts in his steps. “But don't you wish your people would stay? Now you can't ever see him again.”
“That's an over exaggeration,” Nahida smiles, hopping up another step and continuing to do so until she can hopefully reach the top. “Whether age or distance, no one can hope to stay the same forever.”
“But you will,” Wanderer looks up and she catches a glimpse of his conflicted feelings underneath his stoic front, the evening light shaping odd shadows across his face, giving him a melancholic vibe.
“That's correct but also incorrect at the same time. As an Archon I will remain as I always am but as Nahida I am free to evolve and change.”
Wanderer’s expression shifts again, this time to the one he would make when he couldn't understand what she was talking about ( A softer version of his “what the fuck are you talking about?” face. Traveler’s words not hers.)
“Imagine if you will, a sapling,” Nahida explains, “A sapling is tiny and defenseless but as it grows, it not only gains the strength to stand but also the ability to change as the seasons pass. When enough time passes, the sapling might grow into a giant tree. It's collected so much rainwater you wouldn't be able to count them. It's been showered with both sunlight and moonlight. Flowers have bloomed and leaves have shed. Other plants have grown under its protective shade. But at the end, it's still the same sapling you know. It has just grown into something capable of protecting itself as well as the plants under its shade. That is what I hope to change into. To be a giant tree that can protect those under my shade. But inside I’ll just be…me.”
Wanderer can only sigh this time. Between the two of them, this is not the first time she’s expressed her love and gentle care for her people. And everytime, Wanderer’s face would grow uncertain. Nahida knows that he doesn’t believe her words and she doesn’t blame him. The Traveler, whenever they visited the Sanctuary of Surasthana, would often tell her that she was already so strong. So strong that she’d managed to save her beloved nation. But this would be one of the few opinions from Traveler that Nahida vehemently disagrees with.
A strong Archon wouldn’t have lost hundreds of years worth of memories. A strong Archon would’ve been able to break free of her prison. A strong Archon would’ve been able to stop her citizens from being exploited. A strong Archon should have faith in herself and her standing.
Nahida was not a strong Archon.
“Does nothing make you sad these days?” Wanderer shakes his head.
“Of course I feel sad!” She protests. “Goodbyes never feel good, but it’s not like we’re going to be apart forever. In my opinion, we’re all connected. No matter how far one goes, there’s no such thing as truly being apart. We’re like one big mycelium networking system!”
“That’s optimistic and nasty,” Wanderer snorts. “But I should’ve expected that from someone like you.”
Once the young man stands next to her, Nahida can’t help but hold his hand. He doesn’t return the gesture though she can feel his fingers twitch. That’s enough for now. “I hope you know that I consider you someone deeply connected to me as well. When the day you want to take flight arrives, I’d like you to know that you’ll never be alone as long as I’m still here.”
Wanderer grows silent. Perhaps these words had come out of nowhere, especially when they came from someone he considered to be indebted to. Never the type to push, Nahida didn’t mind if he disregarded everything she’d just said. Patience, time, acceptance. Those are the three things she always remembered whenever she spoke to the boy. The way he briefly squeezed her hand, albeit for less than a millisecond, told her everything she needed to know about how he felt at the moment and it made her smile.
He scoffs, the tender mood dissipating but not vanishing. “By the way, if we’re a mycelium network, you’re implying we’re one big mushroom. That’s horrifying.”
The clouds seen through the window of her study are of a dark gray and it wasn’t even evening yet. When did it become so dark out?
Nahida sets her book down on the table and sighs, the plate of her favorite Candied Ajilenakh Nuts forgotten to the side (it was hard to swallow when the weather made her feel gloomy). Across the room, Wanderer - sitting on a slightly deflated bean bag chair - has put aside his hat as he’s engrossed in the book about Inazuma’s economic growth during the last fifty years that he’d found lying down randomly on the floor. With the two reading throughout the late morning, the study had been quiet with only the occasional hurried footsteps just outside the door and the flipping of pages.
“What?” The boy calls out without looking up. He really is fascinated by his homeland isn’t he?
“You look focused,” Nahida smiles. With her mood lifting a bit, she takes the time to take a small bite of her snack. “Do you like reading about the economy that much? Maybe I can get you an advanced one for your birthday-”
“Don’t you dare. I told you to just forget my so-called birthday. It might as well not exist.”
Nahida’s lips curl downward. “But it’s an important day!”
“Haa…who would want to celebrate such a dreadful day?” Wanderer clicks his tongue. His brows crinkle as he pushes the book further up his face as if trying to block her words. The next words are muttered under his breath, just barely audible. “It’s like you don’t remember your last five hundred birthdays.”
She blinks before looking away. Ah. Well, of course that isn’t true. You’d think she wouldn’t remember those lonely birthdays due to how dull and lonely her imprisonment was. But she does. Vividly. She couldn’t differentiate the days but she can count five hundred days of her birthday where she spent floating her in her inescapable bubble.
She understands what Wanderer is trying to say. She supposes this was just yet another thing they had in common. While Nahida’s first birthday after she lost her memories was the start of a cold imprisonment, Wanderer’s first birthday marked his first ever betrayal. A day that was supposed to be happy but ended up in pain.
But she refuses to hold that deep of a grudge. After all, her birthday also marked the day when she became free as a bird thanks to the people of Sumeru. In her opinion, that was more than enough to be cause for celebration. Nahida taps her chin contemplatively. Maybe if she holds a very special celebration for Wanderer during his birthday, he’ll see that it wouldn’t be so bad?
“I can see the gears turning in your brain,” Wanderer sighs, closing his book and finally looking at her. “Could you please just drop it?”
“Could at least let me try?”
Wanderer looks unhappy but before he could snap back at her, someone begins knocking on the door of her study. Nahida leaps down her chair, ignoring Wanderer’s cautious look, and pulls open the wooden door. One of the matras is standing there, his face twisted in concern.
“What’s wrong?” Nahida tries her best to keep her voice steady.
The matra shakes his head slightly. “Good afternoon, Lesser Lord Kusanali. I’m sorry to bother you, but-”
“Just spit it out.” Wanderer had managed to sneak up behind her, standing there without her noticing. His face looked impatient as it always did when talking to someone he didn’t know and Nahida couldn’t help but nudge him lightly with her elbow. Still, he continues. “You’re wasting her time.”
“R-right, my apologies.” The matra looked taken aback and glanced at Wanderer cautiously, but he regained his composure quickly. He focused his attention back to the Archon. “Your presence has been requested, Lesser Lord Kusanali. Miss Alia, she’s…”
“Oh, I remember her.” Nahida nods. “Her brother recently went into intensive care, right? Did something happen to him?”
Apparently it all happened without warning.
The previous night, Alia’s brother had been restless and weaker than he’d ever been ever since he entered intensive care. While the doctors and healers tried to keep him calm and continuously checked on him throughout the night, the man had been gone in the morning before the doctors had the chance to do anything.
Alia, as expected, had been completely devastated. Nahida heard of her situation from the nurses. She’d been living alone with her younger brother for years after their parents passed away. She was the sole breadwinner of the family because her brother had a weak constitution. Before she knew it, his health had taken a turn for the worse and he had no choice but to spend months in the hands of doctors and healers. Nahida had tried to comfort the woman, offering her support, but she’d been too distraught to acknowledge her at that time.
Nahida thought Alia looked absolutely miserable and broken that night her brother was first admitted but at least there was nowhere to go but up. But, now, standing as her brother’s coffin is being lowered to the ground, it seemed that Nahida had been wrong. There is a way down. Further and further down into a pit of endless despair. And Alia was standing in it right now.
At the end of the ceremony, rain trickling down from the still gray skies, Nahida gives Alia’s brother a small blessing. In the hopes that he would find peace after escaping his illness. She swallows when she glances at the new headstone. Her skin prickles from the rain droplets hitting her skin and nerves running across her body despite the umbrella above her head. She mourned the fact that the man’s first day in his afterlife is being peppered with rain and thunder.
Behind her, Wanderer is quiet, his hand holding the umbrella above their heads without wavering. She looks up at him, seeing his hair dripping with water and the edges of his clothes damp. He didn't have to stand here with her but he did anyway.
“You…” Wanderer starts but he sighs instead. The way he gazes at her is unreadable. “Let's go back before you get sick.”
That's silly. Archons don't get sick but the concern is appreciated nonetheless. She glances at the headstone one more time before nodding at him.
However, before they can walk too far, footsteps rush towards them in a hurry. The woman, Alia, pants a little as she stares at Nahida. The Archon shifts a little uncomfortably in her feet, the wilted, wet patch of grass under her reacting because of pulses of her Dendro energy. Nahida racks her brain trying to find something to say to the grieving woman but all she can utter is a simple, “I’m sorry for your lo-”
“ Why did you take him from me?” The woman interrupts, her voice strained as she tries to find her breath. Nahida freezes at the unexpected question.
“Pardon?” Nahida swallows, her fingers twitching from her nerves. She feels Wanderer shifting beside her but he doesn’t speak. She can sense that he was just as confused as she was at this moment.
Oh. The way Alia is looking at her right now. Her gaze holds no positive emotion. She was grieving, and devastated, and angry. At her. Nahida takes in a breath slowly. The air burns in her lungs. “I’m very sorry, Miss Alia. But I do not hold any power over life…”
“My brother was healthy! He would’ve gotten better!” Alia snaps, “You killed him, didn’t you? You took him away before his time!”
Nahida feels Wanderer moving beside her, his emotions palpable even before he speaks. While she appreciates his protectiveness, she tugs on the fabric of his clothes so he’ll stop. She can feel his unwillingness, but he pauses, trusting her.
“Miss Alia, again, I’m sorry that I couldn’t do anything to save your brother.” Nahida tries to keep her voice steady while her heart thunders in her chest. “But I swear to you that I did not tamper with your brother’s health or make him worse. Please, let me help you.”
“ Then bring him back to me!”
Nahida swallows the lump in her throat and sets her eyes toward the ground. With a heavy heart, she shakes her head. “I cannot do that.”
“Why?! You’re a goddess! Look at the grass beneath your feet. It’s coming back to life yet you can’t do the same for my brother?!”
The Archon looks down to see that the once wilted grass has returned to being green and vibrant. Alive. But how could a human life be compared to strands of grass? Nahida wishes, more than anything in that moment, that she could extend the same Dendro powers to the unfortunate humans buried under the dirt, not just Alia’s brother. She would say that so that it could benefit her as the Archon of Sumeru and for the good of everyone, but that would be half of a lie.
Alia’s distrust of her, anger, and words feel like needles. They poke Nahida’s heart painfully as well as cruelly reminding her that she was failing . She’s tried so hard to be an Archon her people can trust and depend on but not everything was in her control and it makes her feel like a failure. She is a failure. It makes her want to grant Alia’s wishes more than anything. Because it means that Nahida has not failed. Don’t abandon me, I beg you. When had she said those words before?
The Archon pinches the skin of her arm. What shameful thoughts, to be thinking of herself when someone is crying and grieving in front of her.
“I’m sorry.”
Alia’s eyes fill with tears but the woman wipes them off her cheeks angrily, her nails dragging across her skin. “Then you’re useless. Leave. ”
If she’d been alone, then Nahida might’ve cried too. All at once, the heavy insecurities she’d been feeling came rushing back to her. She thought she left all of it behind when she became free, but it was just waiting at the edge of her heart, ready to attack her again once her guard was down. And it attacks viciously. She felt powerless and useless. She felt like she’d returned to that cold and lonely bubble.
Wanderer pushes the umbrella into her arms before she can stop him, moving to stand in front of her. This way, she couldn’t read his expression but his voice sounds the same as ever, if not tinged a small bit with anger.
“She’s too nice to say it to a grieving woman, but I don’t care for you so I will. You will regret this.” Nahida sees Alia freezing but she doesn’t know what the woman is thinking about or what her expression is saying as Wanderer blocks most of her view. “I’ve done some destructive shit while I was grieving, but insulting someone who’s been nothing but kind and understanding to you is a mistake.”
“You understand nothing.” Alia whispers, her hands clenching. “If you can’t bring my brother back then just go away!”
“Why not use your functioning ears and actually listen to what she says?” Wanderer says sharply. “ She can’t. No one can. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll be doing yourself a favor.”
“You-!”
“Once that grief clears out of your head, you’ll realize how lucky you were to have someone by your side because not everyone gets that lucky . You want us to leave, fine we’ll leave, but you’ll regret the words you just said to Lord Kusanali.”
“If you’re going to scold me for saying all of that, now’s your time.”
Nahida looks up at him and laughs nervously. It doesn’t sound genuine, the laugh. The walk back home had been quiet and she could feel him glancing at her from the corner of his eyes occasionally. The rain had stopped halfway through their destination but he’s still holding the umbrella above her head, tilting it slightly towards her and leaving half his shoulder exposed.
“You shouldn’t have spoken so harshly to someone deep in grief,” She finally says. There’s something lodged in her throat again. “No one ever means what they say when emotions are clouding their mind. I believe you know better than most. I didn’t take her words to heart.”
Wanderer stares at her with a pointed gaze and scoffs, finally closing up the umbrella and using bits of his Anemo to dry it. “You’re getting good at lying, but I have eyes.”
His words cause her to stop walking. She frowns, her expression questioning what he means without words. Wanderer stops too, turning towards her with a hand resting on his hip. He looks almost impatient but not unkind. He even hesitates as he tries to find the words to explain what he means. “You know you’re allowed to be angry, right?”
“Of course…?” Her voice wavers, sounding unconvincing even to herself let alone Wanderer. “I get angry.”
“When?” He raises a skeptical eyebrow, the challenge in his tone obvious.
“At you?”
“That’s not anger. Try again.”
She blows out a breath, impatience finally catching up to her. “What is it that you’re trying to say?”
“Why did you apologize to that woman? As you said, no one ever means what they say when their emotions are running high, so why did you apologize?”
“I…I failed her, why would I not apologize?”
“Then did you actually murder her brother like she said?”
She reels back in shock, hurt over the question. “No, of course not! How could you-”
“Then there was no need to apologize. You did nothing wrong. You were sickeningly kind like you always are.” She blinks and suddenly he’s close to her, crouching down to her level to meet her gaze. “You should’ve gotten angry, she insulted you. But you felt bad instead, why?”
She breaks eye contact to stare at the ground instead. The negative thoughts she previously felt returned to haunt her once more. “I did do something wrong, I failed to meet her expectations.” She swallows, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat. “She was so angry and disappointed. She said I was useless and what if I am? I live for the people of Sumeru, but what if they longer need me…?”
Well now she just went ahead and said it. Sighing, she looks up to find him looking at her with a complicated look. His eyes aren’t focused on her anymore but it feels like he’s deep in thought over what to say. Truthfully, she hadn’t meant to say anything, worried that he might grow doubtful of her if she revealed her flaws. She wasn’t a child, she was a God, and she had long considered Wanderer to be one of the people she intended on guiding. She had to be steady and reliable where normal people couldn’t. Her doubts….they sound childish.
“Then tell me. If someone insults you or questions your worth” He suddenly says, meeting her eyes once more. He stands up and for a very brief moment, she sees his expression softening. “ I'll get angry for you. I know how to do that, at least.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I agreed to help you from behind the scenes. This counts.” He opens the umbrella again and holds it above her head, this time shielding her from the specks of sunlight peeking through the gray clouds.
She couldn't trust his words completely and she probably wouldn't ever be able to. At the end of the day, in the eyes of many people, Nahida will never be as important as Buer or Lesser Lord Kusanali or Greater Lord Rukkhadevata. But the way he's looking at her and the way he says those words, it makes her want to believe, makes her desperate for it.
“Does this mean you’ll let me celebrate your birthday after all?”
“Wow,” Wanderer fake gasps. “Look at her. You give her an inch and she takes a mile. How greedy.”
“Come on, I could import some books from Inazuma! You always enjoy those.”
“Don’t bother, for Archon’s sake.” He runs a hand across his face exasperatedly. “You say books but I see your true intentions. Do you think I’m blind or something? It would be less offensive if you called me names, honestly.”
“What?” She says innocently. “I’m just thinking of what academic books I should get you from Inazuma.”
“Just buy the damned light novels yourself if you want them so badly.”
“But what about our book club? We need to pick a topic for next month’s reading session and I think it should be-”
“We don’t have one! Just be quiet and walk.”
Nahida smiles, genuinely, this time and Wanderer finally closes up the umbrella for good. She takes in the calming sight of the orange hue of the setting sun painted over Sumeru City and finally breathes. She will be alright…probably.
“Thank you for the mile,” She says. She meets Wanderer’s eyes with a meaningful gaze. “I’ll treasure it.”
Wanderer looks back at her, his eyes studying her face carefully. Under the warm colors, his expression is one she rarely sees. Calm but not stoic or cold. He looks almost content. “You’re welcome.” He finally says in a way that Nahida thinks is precious, the warmth of it settling inside her chest.
In the end, Nahida still believes what she thinks of herself. No matter what Traveler said, those toxic opinions couldn’t be left behind so easily, not when the roots are so sharp and persistent like a parasite. She isn’t as capable as people like the sages would like, or as wise as she herself would like. She isn’t a strong Archon.
She truly isn’t but-
What could be the harm in simply trying her best to be one?