Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

This is a possible prologue to a new work. Usually I don't move this fast, but since I am posting everything on AO3, and I need to keep my memory fresh with what happened in the movie since it's only something I could see once yet, I am moving faster on it. I will see how you guys like this and decide later. Either way, I was shocked when I actually saw a third movie completion in my head about everything. Beetlejuice Beetlejuice gave me everything I needed and more. Since we aren't getting a third movie, my mind filled in those missing gaps. It's what it does, and usually creates the coolest fanfictions.:)

So if you like, please let me know.

Man. Waiting rooms. Long time. He could only be able to sit for so long, he had to move. He was always charged with so much energy. Move, move, move! He went to go see the secretary again. When she opened the door to speak, he held the door and snuck a kiss from her.

Probably not a good chance she was interested, but he’d seen crazier things. Yeah, she was mad, and closed her window again. He waited beside the window for the next person who came up. Then snuck another kiss again. “So, if I give you a date, can you move my number up? Oh, and do you like my head this small?”

Ooh, she was angry. She just left and another replaced her. So he tried her out. Yeah, she wasn’t interested either, but she did bring his number up faster. “Thanks,” he said, “but do I look good with a small head?” No answer yet.

Bummer. Maybe he didn’t look good with a small head.

“Hey?” Beetlejuice was renting an office now, his business was actually starting to make some decent ground. Things were going well, but he just saw Lydia Deetz cross by it. Which was impossible. Unless she died? He went after her.

She was sulking on the ground.

“Uuh?” She seemed very alive still. “Hey, did you die?” She didn’t answer. He came closer to her. She couldn’t see him. “What is this?” He could feel how horribly sad she felt. Someone hurt her feelings. “Miss Shannon.” He didn’t know it. He wished he did. He wished he knew why he cared too.

She eventually faded away, but he still felt bummed out. Strange.

It was far from the last incident though. Several times had he caught Lydia crossing his office. She was either super sad or super happy. One or the other extreme. Getting tired of guessing and knowing he never saw anything that batshit crazy in the handbook, he had to go deeper.

He went back to the waiting room, and tried to ask for help with the problem of seeing the living. It took a good six months before Juno finally met with him. She was just as terrible at busting his balls now as she was back then. “Look? Let’s leave all the conflict of the past out of this. Just a client here. I just need an answer.”

“You!” Juno still wasn’t happy. “Are you kidding me? If so, this is the longest running joke ever, and your worst bit so far.”

“Well, the academy award winner doesn’t go to me,” Beetlejuice insisted. “What’s it all mean?”

Juno touched the bridge of her nose. “It means. That you. Care.”

Care? “Care about what?”

“You never care about anything,” she griped. “Are you sure you are seeing that girl at her highest highs and lowest lows?”

“Yeah. So what is it, and why am I the only one seeing this stuff?” he had to ask.

Juno still didn’t look pleased. “You are repulsive. You’re a disease.”

“Thanks, but why am I the only one seeing this stuff?” he asked again.

“Ungrateful and so stupid.” Juno took a very deep breath, emitting smoke. “You are seeing a connection between you two. Apparently, for some reason, it’s strong.”

“Okay? What do I do with that?”

“You don’t do anything with it,” she answered. “You recognize it for what it is.”

Recognize? “You haven’t told me a thing yet Juno, you are pretty pathetic at your job. How can I use this for my advantage?”

That got her. “It means that you found a connection with a human which is great and terrible! It’s terrible because you, of all people, of any person in the Neitherworld, are definitely not worthy of it.” She moaned. “You. Basically. Found a soulmate, Beetlejuice.”

Hm. “Is that because of the whole wedding thing?”

“No,” she answered. “It’s no gimmick. She should, over time, make you better. Somehow. Then eventually one day, she’ll be your future, if you don’t scare her off. If you do win her over you’ll spend a good deal of eternity with her.” She took another drag of her cigarette. “You might not just escape the prison of your own making. You might be able to move to the great beyond. A happy ever after. Like you deserve one? Now, get out.”

Soulmate? “That Lydia I almost married?” Damn. He did feel a tight connection the first time he saw her. She actually could get him out. He didn’t care about the great beyond crap, just the other part. Interesting. “So, I need to get back to her.”

“A little hard. You’re dead, and I guarantee the Maitlands will not be calling you anytime soon again.”

Hmmm . . .

The Living World . . .

“He needs to stop it,” Barbara insisted to Adam. “Just look at him.” She pointed to the model of Winter River again. “We aren’t calling you,” she shouted at it. “We are just fine without you, and we are living peacefully with everyone here.”

“That’s telling him, Barbara,” Adam said, tagging along the scolding behind her. “You get out of here.”

Beetlejuice was a teeny tiny guy next to a grave stone. “Got a proposition,” he yelled so they could hear him.

“We don’t want to hear about it,” Barbara insisted. “Just go back to wherever you were.”

“I can get you through the time being stuck in this house,” he yelled again. “Get out early card, just for you two.”

“What, you can do that?” Adam was willing to listen.

“Yeah.”

“Is that because you used to work with Juno?” Adam asked.

“You wouldn’t just offer that. We even went and sandwormed you three years ago,” she said. “Why would you help?”

Three years? Time always flies. Eh, no difference. “Fine, okay? There’s no gimmick. I just like it here. I like the people in the house.” It would be a lot easier to speak to Lydia from right there in the model.

Barbara and Adam both looked at each other.

“We are willing to listen,” Adam said. “There won’t be any shenanigans though, it’s just us.”

“Just us,” Beetlejuice agreed. Come on. There was no way they could risk not using this loophole. They weren’t going to find another way.

“Fine. I’ll write a note real quick where we’ll be.” After she wrote it, Barbara sighed before saying his name three times.

“It’s a DIY thing,” Beetlejuice said as he knocked on the door of the lovely new secretary. She shirked backward again when he saw her. “Hey. I need an issue 49Y paper.”

She eyed him. “What do you need that paper for?”

“It’s a DIY paper. You can’t keep me from getting a hold of it.” Especially now. “If you do, I’m just going to wait for Juno. You know how much she’ll love to hear that.”

She angrily handed it to him. “It’s illegal to work on that paper for anyone and exchange money.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s a gift.” He sat back down and started to fill it out. He asked them a few things, and like he thought, it was sliding through. Everything was getting answered. “Were you happy with your house?”

“Oh yes, we loved our house,” Barbara said. “It was wonderful, but we want to move on from it.”

“It’s been three years, she’s more grown now. You stayed friends with Lydia?” Beetlejuice asked. “Close friends? Did she feel like a daughter you raised?”

Both of them awkwardly smiled.

“She was a really sweet kid and she’s growing up so well. I guess, a part of us feels like her parents,” she admitted.

Bingo, yep. Death satisified that need to have children that they had. It was a lurking piece that might have hindered them for another 100 years or so. Lydia helped with that part. It was a big part.

He took the paper back to the secretary. “Hey, Doll. I need a 49Y-A.”

Once again, she was steamed. “You cannot legally work on that for any kind of compensation, without being a part of the caseworker’s team.”

“No compensation. I’m just a genuinely nice guy,” he answered. “Paper already.” He filled it out again, a lot of the same questions, and some with new twists. In the end, it was filled out. He went to the secretary again. “So, I need a Rush R-190.” This is where it would get difficult, but he’d still pull through.

“That is illegal for the waiting room to hand out,” she insisted. “You can’t have Rush R-190. You aren’t even part of a caseworker’s team.” She shut her window door on him.

He knocked on the window again, and pulled Barbara in front of him. It made her almost stumble. “Here, put it in her hands.” Then it wouldn’t be in his hands. “She’ll fill it out.”

“She doesn’t even have a position on the staff,” the secretary answered.

Hmm. “Okay, I need an I-58,” he said. “She’ll fill it out.”

“It has to be approved for it to be official!” She was losing her temper at him.

“There’s no Neitherworld law that states she can’t be given an I-58. It’s the right of everyone to have a shot,” he said.

“What in the world are these last two papers?” Barbara asked him.

The secretary was really angry, but she couldn’t fight it. Barbara filled it out, while Beetlejuice worked on the secretary.

“So? You are a real good secretary,” he said. “It’s just that, you messed up. You did something illegal. Once it’s known, you’re gonna lose your job, and that’s another what, 100 years down the drain for your payment of suicide?” He knew why she worked there. “Or? You can approve this I-58.”

“What? What did I do wrong?” Her anger turned into fear. No one wanted to lose 100 payment years.

“You never gave me an IO- 101002 with the 49 Y, and the 49 Y-A.” It was the paper that made him state why he was doing the paperwork for free. It was a small memo paper, often missed when it rarely did come up.

“The little memo.” She rolled her eyes. She took Barbara’s paper she was still filling out, and stamped it. “Fine. You are a temporary member, but I am just a secretary, my permission is barely anything here. It’s emergency only, it gives you 2 hours.”

“Great. She wants a Rush R-190,” Beetlejuice said. The secretary gave it to Barbara. “Fill it all out.” It shouldn’t be hard, just the basics. An R-190 was a summoning paper to immediately take them, instead of a usual five year wait looking over the fine details. Nothing moved fast in the Neitherworld without a Rush R-190.

“This is all so complicated.” Barbara kept filling it out. “Why does the Neitherworld need to know my favorite pet’s name? First and last?” She groaned but kept going.

The secretary immediately grabbed it. “Wait right here.”

“This won’t take long,” Beetlejuice said. He watched as a group of five big guards showed up. He gestured to Barbara and Adam. “These two.”

The guards came toward Barbara and Adam.

“Ready?” Beetlejuice asked. “They are ready, you gotta go.”

“But, this fast?” Barbara was grabbed by one of them while Adam was grabbed by another two. “We didn’t even get to say goodbye.”

“It works real slow down here, don’t jeopardize the papers you just filled out.” The loophole wouldn’t stay open for long. “Take them, they are ready. Don’t worry, you wrote a letter.”

“But, all I said was we were leaving to find a loophole,” Barbara said. “That’s not a goodbye.”

“Yeah. I’ll say it for ya.” He waved at them both being carried away. Ha! Suckers. Sure, they were able to move on, but he wasn’t just being nice. They were blocking his way to interact with anyone else in that house.

Now, he’d finally see her. Eventually, she’d come up.

Really? Were they kidding? It wasn’t Lydia who came up to see him. It took a whole two days before someone came up, and it was Delia Deetz.

She picked up the letter. “Dear Deetz', might have found a loophole to leave the house. If we are gone, don’t ever come in this room again, You-Know-Who is here.”

Ah, no, a warning?!

Delia looked toward the blinking lights of his grave. She just gave a small chuckle. “Doesn’t matter. Lydia went off to college. You won’t get your hands near her again.” She took the paper and left.

College? College?! “Sorry Sack of Shits!” Ahhh! “I did something nice for nothing?!” They just used him again. Really. Just like when he showed him what ghosts could do. Just like when he went and saved them, just to be sent back again. Used again.

Lydia had moved to college. Delia and Charles Deetz were the only ones there. He felt her through extreme emotions, but he couldn’t see where she had been. In his vision, she was always just haunting the Neitherworld. His only hope would be her wanting to come visit again for the holidays, and maybe Delia would forget to tell her he was up there in the model?

She’d do that eventually? Right?

Chapter Text

“Hello?”

“Huh?” He felt out of it. This was one of his favorite spots. This was one of his favorite dancers. She even flung her panies in his face. “Hmm.”

“You are always one of my best customers,” she whined. “What’s it saying about me that you ain’t even interested?” She looked like she was about to cry.

Well? He gave her some money. “Is there a ghost midlife crisis?” What was wrong with him? He loved that place, but nothing was doing it anymore. When he did try and shout and have a good time, he felt icky. He didn’t get why. He didn’t care about ick, he never did! What was wrong with him?

He got up and headed outside. He waved a little as he saw another frequent customer.

“Yo, Man?” he asked. “You don’t seem to have your old . . . groove. Like, you used to be an energy bar, bouncing all over the place. What’s up with you?”

Yeah. “Wish I knew.” Yeah, his groove was off. He was still able to perform his jobs though. Hell, he seemed to get even more jobs now. Other people were starting to even take risks like him, trying to get rid of the living.

He looked over in the corner of the whore house and saw Lydia crying again. He was still connected to her. He walked over to her. “So? I know you can’t hear me.” Hmm. “There must be something I can do though. I mean, you are really reaking havoc on me. My energy is getting whacked. I’m losing parts of what made me, me. So?”

He knew he couldn’t touch her. She wasn’t really there. He literally killed people for a living, why did this one living being have to crawl so deep into him? He looked around. “Okay. You’re feeling down. Some . . . party?” Felt like a party. “A guy.” Yeah. He could almost hear something in the background. “A guy is teasing you, he found out you can see ghosts. You liked that guy.” Yeah, that would maybe put her in a corner. “Oh.” He sat down. “Tell him to fuck off. He’s nothing. You aren’t weird, it’s a cool power to have. I didn’t have it when I was alive. No one gets it. He’s nothing.” Absolutely nothing.

He watched her rub her eyes and stand up. She took a deep breath.

Right. He watched her fade away. Can’t reach with words, but it looked like he could reach with the spirit of the words. Well, it was something.

“Hey, these are kind of cool.” He picked some roses he turned black. He went over toward her form that was just in a desk, writing and wiping her tears. He had no idea what she was writing about, but maybe these will help. “Hey. Yo. You’re annoying,” he said to her. “How about these?” He placed them next to her. “They are flowers. You probably like those. Okay, you can’t see them. Or smell them.” Ugh. “Look, life is shitty. Someone probably hurt your feelings again or whatever. Right? So. Maybe try a prank. I like pranks.” He snorted a little. “I really do like pranks. Just imagine the whatever idiot at the end of a hook. Fling it in the water and watch them squirm.”

He watched her start to smile. She even bit her lip and then she disappeared.

“Great.” He picked up the roses again. “Really hope this whole thing is working.”

“No, no, no.” Beetlejuice held his head on his lap, trying to comfort himself. “It’s not fair! Bioexorcist was my thing.” He looked back at the title in the newspaper. Bioexorcists left and right were getting his work now.

It was his. He got cursed for it. Did he get any recognition for it? No! Nothing, not one mention of his name. He was even the one who came up with the name. “It was mine.”

He felt warm. Strange. Like there was a giant blanket over him in the middle of a snowstorm. What was that? He looked around. He was real upset, but for some reason, he sort of felt better too. “What is that?” He placed his head back on and looked around.

He saw Lydia, lying on the ground with a happy expression.

“Hm.” He went toward her. “Are you making me feel better?” Was her good mood, reaching him? “This tie between us.” Huh. “I guess . . .” He looked back at the paper. “I don’t feel so ignored now.”

“I hate this.”

His waiter looked very upset. “You have been eating that for two years straight. If you are tired of it, stop ordering it.”

“I usually love this.” There was a reason he didn’t like it. “I hate it now.” He moved the spaghetti around and watched the beetles scatter around in it.

He had started to talk to her too much. He was seeing her more happy than sad. He told her the dumbest jokes, shared his daily findings, and those feelings, they were reaching her.

Her feelings were reaching him too, and he was starting to see why he stopped bothering women as much. He already had one. Even though she wasn’t there, he couldn’t touch her, and she wasn’t dead, she was his. Not officially, but she was there. They were tied. When he was feeling down, she could feel him too.

When he was excited, she felt that too.

But this? This was absolutely disgusting. “If I get the chance to kill this guy. I will.” She took the feelings that they had in their connection, and misinterpreted it. For someone she was dating! She thought she was in love with that idiot. She married that idiot, and he just found out that she had a baby.

Looking back on it, he could see it. “How do you just feel love and not pin it to a source?” He looked at the next customer over. “I mean, you don’t just feel love and warm and better, and not have it come from somewhere.” He poked at his food. “You think, ‘hey, it’s gotta be this’. Then, you know, all that psychological mumbo jumbo shit gets involved and it gets pinned to whatever the hell you think it is ‘cause that’s how pscyhological mumbo jumbo shit works.” He looked at the person trying to ignore him that he kept bugging. “It’s what she did. Science behind it. She isn’t thinking ‘hey, I’m tied to the supernatural, maybe my almost husband is the one behind this. Nah, nah. Guy you are currently dating is the one. You know I hate it.”

This was a form of torture. “Probably. I mean it’s probably what happened.” He waited ‘til the guy ignoring him, slightly glanced at him. “She didn’t actually find love with this guy, did she?” He stared at him.

They just shrugged and tried to eat themselves since their food came two minutes ago on their date with whoever was on the other end.

It wasn’t. It wasn’t a different love. It was their love, right? They connected. She was his. She made him better. He made her better. This, this was not supposed to happen! “This pasta is terrible, how can you sell this schlock?” Of course, that really upset everyone and he headed off.

As he left, he saw her outside. She was rocking her little girl.

“So freaking happy,” he groaned. “Look at you. Perfect little life. Feel invincible, don’t you? Yeah, the big bad demon that wanted to marry you, not even in the picture of your mind.” He turned into a giant snake. She couldn’t see or hear, but if feelings came across so well?

Yep. Her happiness changed into something new. She hugged her daughter closer to her.

Good. Good! “Right. So stop bothering me!” He yelled at her. “Go live on with your stupid husband and your stupid family. I don’t need those either. I had a wife. Worst mistake of my life. Actually, ended my life,” he admitted. “So you don’t get any sympathy from me. I’m the Ghost with the Most!” Yeah.

But, she was more than afraid. She was like twice as afraid? How was that possible? Her new baby was crying too now. “No way.” If he was connected through some dumb soulmate thing like Juno said, then why was he tied to the kid too?! “You’ve gotta be kidding me.” He came closer to it. “Hey?” Only one way to know for sure. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I was just angry at your mom. She’s an idiot.” He juiced up a rattle and shook it next to her. Yeah, the fear had started to go down halfway. “What dumb name did she give you again?” Oh yeah. “Astrid.”

Ooh. He had to check in with Juno again. Someone was telling him more about what was going on here.

“Hey!” He refused to leave. “I am a valued person, who demands to see someone about this.” The answer had to be in the back. The answers were always in the back. It’s how he learned how to navigate through the systems so well in the first place. He slammed his hand down. “I’ve been waiting four months.”

“Trust me, I know,” the secretary said to him. “Juno’s time is up. There’s no caseworker assigned to you. Sorry.” Oh, she wasn’t one bit sorry. “You have to wait for another one. That’ll be at least another three months.”

Yeah, he bitterly left and came back in another three months. New person in charge. Fresh meat was easier to deal with. “Hey! How ya doin’ today?” He grabbed her hand and shook it. “I’ve just got one big question that I need an answer too, and you can go about your lovely day.”

“Um?” She didn’t know what to think of him. “What is your question?”

“So, I’ve been seeing this human on this side. My last caseworker, she said that she was a soulmate. We tied together,” he said. “Except, she just had a kid. And I can tell, that I’m connected to it to. So. That’s not soulmate crap. What the fuck is this shit?”

“Ooh.” She didn’t like the roughness. Too bad, he was trying. “I’ve never heard of this. I need to look into this.”

“No. No, no, no. I’ve been waiting seven months to know this,” he demanded. “We are going to go into the back room, and figure this shit out. Give me caseworker team power for just a little while. I’ll find it.”

It took some finagling. Some coercing. Finally some bribing before the new idiot in charge let him through.

“Do not touch anything else of anybody else’s. I was warned about you,” they said to him.

Whatever. “Apparitions. Visualizations.” The place didn’t change much. “Ah.” He found it. “Visualizations of humans.” There, he had it. He opened up the file and looked at it. It averaged happening about ten times in ten thousand years. Yeah. It tended to happen with . . . “It’s not a soulmate, it’s a botched ceremony?” Wait. “If she’s mine, then why am I not free?!”

The caseworker looked at the file. “You were missing one word. Wife.”

“Yeah.” Which is why he thought it didn’t work. “Am I married or not?” Was he freed or not? “Oh, I’m about to start seeing some heads rolling if I don’t find out -” His head rolled off in his anger- “What the hell is going on!”

“You are thinking too hard,” she said. “The word wasn’t said out loud. We think before we speak.”

Think before they speak. “The padre. He though the word wife, but didn’t say it.” It botched the wedding, but tied them together. Now he finally understood it. He went and picked his head back up, placing it on his body. “That makes a hell of a lot more sense.” Still. “The kid though.”

The caseworker looked at the files. “I don’t see the answer to this one.”

Ugh. He took the folder back. Only two of those cases applied. “Statements, statements.” There must be statements.

Then, he had it. He knew it. “Family.” Family. “I gotta say. I feel like shit. I’m not just saying it either, I feel like a gigantic, massive piece of turd right now.”

Yeah, the caseworker definitely made a stink over what his juice did next. “Get out, get out! That’s disgusting!”

“No. This is disgusting.” He slowly walked out while the new person just pushed. It was more like a back massage than anything. He didn’t care.

Lydia and his feelings, that she botched up for the other guy? It created Astrid. Physically, her husband did all the work. He got all the fun parts. But, spiritually or emotionally or whatever the fucking tie was called between them. Just like a botched up ceremony that didn’t go through caused the connection?

A botched up spiritual session created Astrid’s connection to him. If there was a doubt in his mind that the love for her hub wasn’t what she felt from himself? His connection with Astrid just proved it!

He was back out in the waiting room. “Hey.” He looked at a guy whose leg was sliced clean off with half his face gone. “Your day’s going better than mine.”

Chapter Text

Several years later . . .

“There we go.” Beetlejuice saw his latest human victims, running for their lives out of the house he promised to get them out of. All that was left now, was to get the check. But first?

He juiced to a particular school, not in Winter River. Pretty good timing. He looked in the door. No one ever saw him, it was the easiest to visit.

Astrid was working on something at a desk with the rest of her classmates. She looked sort of like Lydia, but her intelligence was higher in the science areas. “You will ace that thing, Astrid.” Man, could she pound those numbers.

Looking in on Lydia was more difficult, it would have to be off in a corner since she could actually see ghosts. He caught her making lunch at home.

He never stayed long. Never wanted a client to complain. Just a few minutes each time.

Like it or not, even with the scares, he was still connected to Lydia. Even when he ignored her, she was still there.

He had even come to care about Astrid, through the feelings he felt through her. Every painful moment she had. Every excitable thing that happened. Even when she was scared.

He did the opposite when she was scared than he did with Lydia. He didn’t make her feel just better, he bolstered that self esteem! Even getting bullied with all the crap Lydia caused from the show, she’d stay strong. Gave her a thousand ideas about overpowering. Gave her confidence in their future’s being grim because of their own meager accomplishments. Gave her tips on distractions and solutions. He wouldn’t let her grow up weak. Physical daughter or not, he was there for every important moment of her life. He was there better than most fathers, so he took the role without even thinking about it.

And there was no way that the infamous Beetlejuice’s only daughter was gonna get scared easily. Especially with a mom who connected with the other side. Hell, even when she died and had to deal with the neitherworld, Astrid would be able to handle the pressure, not buckle like a lot of newcomers.

He returned to get his check, and to get called back to his home.

“Ah, there we go.” Beetlejuice looked at his handiwork. He made a headspace room.

He made mental snapshots of what he could. There were pictures of Lydia sharing watermelon with their daughter, to the terrifying looks that ended her marriage to Richard. Well, not really the marriage itself ended, but the love was gone. With Beetlejuice either staying away from her presence in the Neitherworld, or scaring it, that love connection disappeared. She thought she fell out of love with her husband.

Which he didn’t feel bad about one bit.

Lydia raised Astrid now. Their daughter was getting bigger with each picture. She was a lot like her mom, yet nothing like her at all too. She wasn’t interested in the supernatural at all, she was probably going to grow up a fancy scientist of some kind. She was still a smart kid, and still had a connection, whether she knew it or not. One day? She was going to see ghosts. He could pretty much bet on it.

Without having to feel some mixed up love emotions, he eventually tried to communicate with Lydia again. Nicely. He tried to make her feel better after her husband had died. Her walls were down too, feeling more depressed and alone.

But. Just like last time.

There was another snake in the grass she thought she had feelings for, although not nearly as strong. He stopped bothering her form in the Neitherworld immediately when he realized what he was doing again.

Although? Lydia was starting to get stronger in her connections. He swore that, maybe, she was actually starting to see him back in the real world, the same way he saw her in the neitherworld.

She really seemed to notice him more than once.

But when he saw the latest obituaries and saw Charles Deetz in it? Heh. Mother and daughter were coming home to Winter River.

He had to take that chance. Especially with Delores, his soul-sucking wife after him.

After another unsuccessful wedding . . .

It almost worked? Not really. When she finally did it, when his name was finally called?

It wasn’t from her! She was actively trying to stop it. Astrid almost said it but it had to be her yuppie lover Rory that said it. After all these years, when he finally got a chance to talk with her face to face, it wasn’t because of her!

After all that waiting. He was left with unresolved feelings that made his feelings of anger and frustration triumph over actually talking to her, and . . . it eventually made her give birth to his inner child.

In strides of doing ‘good’, he probably didn’t pull it off so well. She left, of course. He got one more shot though.

That curious daughter of theirs got mixed into trouble, and Lydia was giving him his chance to get in as a husband again.

Almost there this time. As an adult, she had to understand contracts better. She knew what the hell she was putting up. Lots of things were still messing around with the wedding though. His unresolved feelings once again still interrupted things. It had him doing a musical number before the wedding with everyone. His ex-wife was chasing him down to kill him. Delia and Charles were dead. Asterid was almost lost.

In the end, he just couldn’t convey what happened right. He would have plenty of time after the wedding, but Astrid figured out the contract was invalid, and Lydia lightly told him she wasn’t marrying him and said his name three times.

Ending it all. Again.

Now, it was down to nothing. It was down to some slim chance of something supernatural messing with her again. Nothing was on the horizon though, that stuff didn’t just happen to people regularly.

Most likely. He blew it.

Chapter Text

Lydia heard Astrid come through the door. She smiled at her daughter. It was so nice to finally be able to connect with her. “How was school today?” Shortly after the funeral, she had taken Astrid from her other school, and gave her a chance at a new school that wouldn’t know about her show.

“It was okay,” Astrid answered as she put down her bag. “No one knows my secret yet.”

“We’ll try to keep it that way for as long as we can,” Lydia answered her. She opened the stove and pulled out a casserole. She wouldn’t ask if she made any friends yet, bothering her too much did set Astrid off. Their relationship was better, but not perfect.

“Thanksgiving is almost here.” Astrid said as she sat down at the table. “We won’t have grandma or grandpa this year.

“Mm-hm.” Lydia served up the casserole onto plates. “I know, but we’ll still have each other.”

“For Christmas too,” Astrid said. “New years. Valentine’s. Anything, they won’t be here.”

“To be fair, we didn’t spend New years or Valentine’s day with them.” Lydia knew what she meant though. It would be hard for some time. Losing her father was tough. She didn’t even think she’d miss Dehlia that much at all, until she was gone. 

“I thought grandma said her and grandpa would be haunting us all the time,” Astrid pointed out. “Why didn’t she ever come back?”

“Your dad never wanted us to see him,” Lydia reminded her. “Maybe they decided they didn’t want to come back. There’s no telling what they are told in the afterlife, Astrid.”

Astrid started to pick at her food. “I know.”

Then? Their conversation went all to hell as knives flew across the room! 

Astrid even got cut on the elbow. She held it as it bled. “Mom?”

Lydia tried to get her and her daughter out of the room. When she opened the door to get out to their living room, their large carpet was now dug out to be the size of a pool, holding some kind of alligator. “What?” 

It had to be the work of Beetlejuice, but? It didn't feel right. This wasn't his playfulness. Especially that alligator that was coming right toward them! “Astrid, this way!” She guided her daughter out the side door.

Lydia checked her pocket for her keys. They needed to get away from there. Astrid got in the passenger seat while Lydia got in the driver seat. She started up the car and started to move away.

“What was that?” Astrid asked.

“I don’t know,” Lydia admitted to her. “It seems okay now.” She saw the green light ahead. What was that? There shouldn’t be anyone messing with them except maybe Beetlejuice. 

As she crossed the light, she immediately regretted it. She moved very fast, trying to miss the cars coming in the opposite direction. She didn’t run any red light, her light was green, but so was theirs. “There’s nothing playful about that.”

Beetlejuice did playful. Dangerous but playful. Circus show. Huge snake. Big and showy. He even just changed Otho the interior decorator’s clothes. 

“That could’ve killed us,” Astrid said to her mom. “Beetlejuice doesn’t want to kill you, he wants to marry you.”

Eh. “He wants out,” Lydia said to her. She was right though. “This isn’t him.”

“Then who is it?” Astrid asked, right before the car started to go off road.

Lydia tried to control the steering wheel. The doors locked themselves and the car drove itself. She started to fight against the door as the car picked up speed. 

“If it’s him, it’ll stop if we call his name!” Astrid yelled at her, “and if it isn’t, then he’ll help!”

“For what, marriage?” Lydia asked. “You already discovered the flaw in the contracts, Astrid.” There would be no ducking from him this time, he’d want it first to help them out of this jam.

“I want to try talking to him,” Astrid said to her. “I think I might be able to get him to help without that.”

What? “How? He’s not a regular guy,” Lydia warned her. “I’ve seen what he can do.”

“I did too,” Astrid reminded her. 

“He could have killed your grandpa. He has no regard for human life,” Lydia warned her. “You didn’t see the real him. He’s a demon.” If she really married him? “If I marry him, he’ll be let loose on the world. I had no choice before, you’re life was in danger.” She tried to hold onto the wheel again.

“Both of our lives are in danger,” Astrid pointed out. “I don’t know where this car is taking us, but it’s not going to be anywhere good.”

She was right. “I hate this.” No control. Just like in the past. One minute she was talking plainly to the Maitlands, and the next she was willing to be a demon’s wife to save them from the exorcism. 

She thought she’d gained a good control of her life some years ago, but then, the ending of her love. The ending of her husband. The ending of being able to go without pills. She ended right back there at the model, begging for help again.

Even in a new place, and getting a new beginning with Astrid, she was still a pathetic little girl, begging for help. Offering anything in return if he just-

The car was smacked into on the back, sending them spinning. 

The doors were ripped off, and Lydia reached for Astrid as she seemed to be blowing out the door. 

It didn’t matter. She’d give anything! “Betelgeuse Betelgeuse Betelgeuse!”

The car interior was starting to stick like glue to Astrid, keeping her in. 

Beetlejuice showed up in the back of the car. “Well, here I am again.” He was holding playing cards like there wasn’t hurricane winds on the other side of the window trying to blow out Astrid.

“I need help!” Lydia yelled at him. 

“Yeah.” Still not moved. “Looks like it. Typical. Getting into trouble, expecting me to bust you out again, and then fold on the deal.” He looked at his watch. “I’m kind of busy right now. I am on a real job with someone who actually pays for services rendered.”

Ohh! “Look, I promise this time, I will do it!” Lydia said to him. “Just help us!”

“Well, there’s nothing I can really do,” he said bummed out as the car started to spin around again. “I’m just gonna save you and get nothing out of it.”

Astrid moved in the glued seat enough to turn and look at him. “Yeah! You will because if you lose mom, then you lose everything you might gain in the future!”

Lydia looked toward Astrid. That wasn’t going to help. She had ran away from marriage, twice. Even calling to him was a supreme act of desperation. 

Beetlejuice started to shuffle his deck. “What do I gain in the future?”

“Nothing if you just let us die,” Astrid said without yelling higher than she had to, to be heard over the winds. “There are other deals you can cut.”

“Other deals.” He kept shuffling as the car spun. 

Then he disappeared.

The glue holding Astrid had disappeared. Lydia held onto her, feeling herself even losing her grip. 

“Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse!” Astrid yelled.

This time, Beetlejuice showed up in a bigger way. He was no longer in the backseat playing with cards, he was on top of the car in fishing gear.

He had a fishing rod that hooked onto Astrid somehow. Lydia didn’t want to know how, but her daughter didn’t seem to be in extra pain. He pulled and she came over to her.

“Really big catch today,” Beetlejuice said. “Perfect weather for fishing. Let’s see what else I can snag.” He threw out an even bigger fishing line, sailing into the distance farther than anyone could see. 

He pulled back on it, and the winds disappeared. The car stopped spinning.

Lydia got out and checked on Astrid on the top. She looked over at Beetlejuice who seemed to have some kind of gremlin on a hook.

“Oh, one of you things,” Beetlejuice said to him. “What are you up to?”

“I’m in the middle of business!” It yelled at him as it struggled to break free. “That’s my catch!”

Catch? Lydia didn’t understand but Beetlejuice disappeared with the little gremlin thing.

“Is it over?” Astrid asked. “Mom?”

“I think so?” She didn’t really know. She had no idea what that was all about in the first place. Everything supernatural was now gone. The breeze was normal. 

She looked at the car. “The car’s totaled, but we’re okay.” That was all that mattered. She went over toward Astrid as she opened up her phone to pay for a ride.

It was an unsettling time. The house was back to normal too, no huge pool with an alligator in the middle of the carpet. Her and Astrid were both watching around themselves the whole evening and into the night. “Whatever that was, I think he stopped it,” Lydia said. Maybe some gremlin creature had escaped into the living world, and it sensed her connection to the supernatural?

“I told you,” Astrid said. “I told you I could get him to help without getting you married off.”

“By gaining something in the future?” That didn’t make any sense. “Astrid. He only wants to marry me to be free. So, what is he supposed to gain?”

“Mom.” She looked at her as if she was stupid. “That guy is in love with you.”

No, no. “Marrying me sets him free,” she said. 

“He had everyone sing and dance at the wedding,” Astrid reminded her.

“Yeah. He’s unpredictable and does weird things,” Lydia said back. It had nothing to do with love. “He was in a wedding setting, so his juice wanted to play in wedding things.”

“His juice?” Astrid never heard that term before.

“It’s what he calls his magic,” Lydia said. She should really explain this better. “Look? Before he tried to marry me, I met him once. Maybe five minutes. The next time afterward, he was already asking for marriage. Then he was eaten by a sandworm,” she said. “There was no time to really start liking me, it’s all a big showy trick.”

“I don’t know,” Astrid still disagreed. “The Neitherworld is really different from our world. Maybe there, they can feel love faster?”

Feel love faster? “Astrid. His whole freedom rides on his name being called. The Maitlands, they were well aware of this. He’s never done anything good that didn’t have something in it for him. Marrying me is like winning the lottery.”

“Then how come not me?” Astrid wouldn’t let up. “If he didn’t have problems with it the first time, then how come he never switched to me?”

“Ah?” Lydia didn’t know what to say to that. She honestly didn’t know. “Maybe there’s some other reason he hasn’t told anyone.” 

Astrid didn’t buy it. Her daughter was as stubborn as she was at her age. “I don’t know, but if anything tries to eat me in my bed, I’m calling him.”

“It should be over.” It had to be. “He isn’t a solution. He’s a desperate pit stop when you are at the end of your rope.”

“If that is how you feel, then he was telling the truth,” Astrid said surprisingly to her. “He’s helped you, and then that’s it.”

Really? “You think I should marry him?”

“No,” Astrid said. “If I did, I wouldn’t have mentioned the contract thing. Although, he’s probably not much worse than the last husband you almost had.”

Whoah. “There’s a difference between a scumbag that wants money and an actual demon.” Lydia was fairly sure that husband would be much worse. 

“If we have to call him again, I think you should do something,” she told her. “You can probably get him to help a little bit more, but he won’t be there to serve you forever. He was already really tired of helping for nothing. He just disappeared after helping with that gremlin thing.”

“I don’t want there to be a next time.” Lydia looked toward Astrid. She was right though. If the supernatural bothered her again, she would need him. Besides marriage for his freedom though, what else could she give?

Chapter Text

Neitherworld

“So, did we find something?” Beetlejuice had been looking through several client papers, but he didn’t see anything. There were several bioexercists now, so calling some up would normally be a good idea. Letting them know about a living human’s predicament would just make them a new target though.

Love her or hate her, he couldn’t let Lydia just become a target. He watched one of his employees come up. Actually, several of them gathered around. They had Bob’s things. “Poor Bob.” He was such good material, not many like Bob.

They handed him several papers.

Beetlejuice checked them out. “What?” He looked at all of them. He eyed all of them. “Just in Bob’s?” They all nodded.

This was bad. There were a ton of client papers, with the hit being on Lydia and Astrid. “That Ghost House show rubbed the wrong way.” Being a bioexorcist meant more than getting rid of people in a house. It meant getting rid of anyone that was needed.

He thumbed through the papers. “Ghost House. Ghost House. Ghost House.” Her damn show. They either wanted her dead claiming she was proving life after death, or that her show was shaming the dead. He counted them. Twenty. “Shit. All dated when they were in the Neitherworld.” That was bad.

He may have started the business, but he wasn’t the biggest in it. When it was clear that several wanted the same person, then several contracts were gathered together, to get the fattest paycheck.

Lydia and Astrid were the biggest and fattest paychecks. That gremlin was just the first one that gathered enough clients for his fat payday! “Hundreds are gonna be after them.” Shit! “Well? They are royally fucked.” He dropped the papers.

To stop all of those coming after them in the future, it would take a lot of juice, and he couldn’t do it. He could if he could stay, but others knew his weakness. That’s why he disappeared away from them. It would just be a constant namefest back and forth, being there and not.

Living World

And this was interesting? He was still holding the papers, but he and his desk were in the living world. Astrid was standing in front of him, her arms crossed.

Oh yeah, she would go places some day. “Don’t see anyone threatening your life, so why’d you call me?”

A part of her was nervous. She summoned the demon herself. If she was wrong, she could end up in real trouble, but she needed to understand what happened. What if it happened again? This guy made it clear that he wouldn’t just drop in and pull them out whenever they summoned him. He wasn’t a genie, he was a demon.

Fortunately, she had called it right in the car. When left with no choice, he did save them, and pulled whatever was causing the mayhem away. She needed to trust in herself to get this done too.

Her mom would do nothing but offer a marriage that appealed, but wouldn’t be trusted. Not for a third time. She’d either have to go through with it first, or he’d eventually stop helping. Neither of those were right.

She hardly knew him. All she heard were terrible things, but when it came down to it, at the end of the train, her mom was there for her. She risked everything to contact that demon for help. It was a real big leap to trust in that.

Everything she did that day with the book was a leap of faith too. Astrid had to risk it. They couldn’t just be in trouble and risk him not wanting to help. “Betlelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.”

He appeared in front of her studying papers with a desk. He looked at her.

She had to stay strong. “What was the gremlin thing about?” she asked him.

He just smirked. “If I tell you, what do I get out of it?”

Astrid stood up straight. She had to go with her gut. Something had to be tried. “I’ll marry you.”

He looked grossed out. “No way.”

“Why not? I’m prettier and younger than my mom,” Astrid said. “It’s the same thing. It gets you freedom.”

“Because!” He still looked disgusted, but he didn’t answer right away. He eventually spoke. “I started with Lydia, I’ll end it with Lydia.”

Yeah, Astrid called it right. “You never looked twice at anyone else in that church. You were into mom. You don’t want marriage. You want mom.”

“It’s the same thing.”

“No, it isn’t. You know that.”

“Okay, clearly you are trying to make some kind of deal with a demon?” He grinned wickedly. “Didn’t your mom ever warn you about that? No? Mine didn’t either,” he joked. “Well, maybe we can strike some kind of deal. Dealing’s part of my business.”

“First, what’s going on with that gremlin?” Astrid asked.

“He’s a bioexorcist, same as me. Great pay. Fun job. Killing people bugging ghosts,” he answered, probably half trying to scare her. “You and your mom.” He whistled and turned the papers around, showing them off like a deck of cards. “Ghost House shoved you on some big lists.”

Mom’s show? “How come we haven’t had trouble before?”

“Greed. Getting as many contracts as possible to take you out first,” Beetlejuice said. “Why get paid once? I’ve got twenty right here myself. My employee was collecting them. Poor Bob.”

“So no one ever tried before the gremlin?” Astrid asked.

“You have to know where your prey is. Can’t just call out a name,” Beetlejuice said. “Nobody knew where you guys were at, until they did. Thanks to me blowing up the backdoor.”

The trip to the Neitherworld. “Yeah, but we aren’t there anymore.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean they don’t know. That’s where you were, for the contracts. It’s up to the bioexorcists to find and take care of you.”

Oh no. “So more are going to come?”

“Yeah.”

“When?”

“Probably soonish,” he answered. “What kind of deal are we talking? Because if you haven’t guessed-”

“Someone else was calling your name and making you leave,” Astrid said. “We have to break that curse to even have a chance.”

He actually held his hands out. “Well, nice to see someone smartened up. Always knew you would.”

This demon. She didn’t know how to explain it. His hygiene was terrible, he smelled really bad, and no one would ever trust that face. But? “You talk like you knew me longer.”

He wasn’t giving anything away. Yet.

Fine. “If you marry my mom, can you let her go later? After this is all taken care of?”

He looked like she was insane. “Hell no, once she’s mine, she’s mine!”

“And that’s why my mom doesn’t want to marry you!” Astrid yelled at him. “You’re a nightmare to her. You aren’t her hero, you’re the last chance stop at the pit of desperation.” Her mom said something like that. “Mom didn’t like the last guy either, he was just the one that was there for her.”

Beetlejuice seemed to squirm and mutter at that second. “What’s it got to do with anything?”

“Mom. Is.” What could she say? “She’s afraid of you.”

“She should be,” he said.

“Should she, or do you want a half decent chance for her to like you?”

She tried to read his expression. It was tough, but she swore that she saw it correctly.

“You know? Pretty bold considering you kinda fell for a ghost that killed his own parents and tried to end you.”

Oh. That hurt. It was true though, she didn’t see it coming. She messed up, a lot. She was the reason her mom needed to get help. She was the reason all those contracts ever found them. It was really all her fault.

“Guys say sweet shit all the time to get what they want, don’t worry about it,” he said offhandedly.

But that. Again. Right there. “I might be wrong,” Astrid said. “I have been wrong, but I don’t have much choice. Especially if so many are trying to kill us.” They would soon. “I have to go with my gut.”

“I’m an undead guy with a curse on me,” Beetlejuice said. “You are digging pretty deep there, Sister.”

“Mom’s . . . used to seeing ghosts.” How could she say it? “I don’t know, but, if you care.”

“If I care, just be nice, from the bottom of my heart?” he said. “Nice. Cute. Did I mention I have a soul sucking ex-wife that wants to kill me? Not like dead. Dead dead. Death for the dead, no coming back. Poor Bob knows.”

Okay, step two. “Mom said the Maitlands were ghosts that used to live there. They found a loophole to leave. Do you know what that loophole had been?” She watched his expression. She got that right it looked like.

“Clever,” he complimented her.

“Is there a way that some kind of loophole could block the name curse and stop your wife without dragging my mom into marriage?” she asked.

He looked to the ceiling. He seemed to be thinking. “Why should I?”

Okay, there was something. “Like I said before. Do you want marriage, or do you want my mom? You know. Dates. Kissing. All that stuff,” she said. “Mom isn’t going to fall for someone throwing a random ring on her finger, but if you genuinely care, then maybe she’ll give you a chance?”

He just chuckled and smirked at her again. “You really don’t know who I am.”

Oh. That wasn’t a good sign. “It’s not a sure thing,” she backtracked a little. “There’s never a sure thing, but if you are around her, and you save her all the time? She has a history of being manipulated really easy.” Wait. “No, that’s not what I meant to say.”

“It is true.” He was glancing to the side. “Especially the last guy. Few nice words, some cornerings, and she was easy to manipulate.”

“No, that’s not what I meant.” She didn’t want him going down that path. “If mom is ever going to like you, this is your chance to see if it’s possible.” It probably wasn’t. It was hard to stand that close to him, he smelled so bad. She finally had to pinch her nose again. “I could even give you tips?” Like, bathe.

“You know? Interesting deal,” he agreed. “Shaky. Bad at making it, clear you don’t often make them.”

Okay. “Well?”

“You really think she’ll fall head over heels for a dead guy, just because I save her unselfishly?”

Probably not. “Maybe.”

“Uh huh. It’s written all over your face, Astrid.”

Astrid felt writing all over her face. She looked in a mirror. Liar was written all over it in several places.

She knew he wouldn't play easy. She had to stay strong. “The answer isn't easy.” He was already gone though. Working something out wasn't going to be easy.

Then, a scream was heard downstairs. “Mom?”

Chapter Text

Agh! Lydia felt her legs get tugged out from beneath her and she was dragged backward. The front door opened and she was helpless to stop from leaving the house. She felt the burn of the cement against her as she was being pushed off into the road! She heard Astrid yell, and then felt something stopped her.

It wasn’t soft, but it was softer. It was plastic. It was.

Even he knew he couldn’t handle all the contracts coming onto Lydia and Astrid. And Lydia, had a history of skipping out on the bill. But? He couldn’t help it. He turned into a long and wide rug attached to the cliff, slowed her down in a roll and careened her back down.

He watched Astrid start coming. “Don’t tell her what I did.”

“What, saved her?” Astrid pointed out but he disappeared.

Beetlejuice showed up to the ghost energy he sensed nearby. He made sure to be in his black and white outfit, the one he would be most recognized in. “Hey.”

Another spirit appeared. “Beetlejuice? Are you still hanging around the fiancee that dumped you twice?”

Great, he knew his story. “She just had cold feet, you know? Being wife to an acclaimed guy like me, she was just too nervous. I’m getting closer to snagging her, so if you could just put this contract on hold and work on something else, I’d appreciate it.”

They just stared at him. “No way. I prepared this for a long time.”

“Come on, you know it hasn’t been a long time.” He tried to keep this civil.

“If it isn’t me, it’ll be another person stealing the contracts on them, so I can’t.” They refused to quit.

“Okay? I’m telling ya,” Beetlejuice warned them. “Back off.”

“Even if you like these living, you can’t save them,” they outright judged him. “You’re a bioexorcist. If you start saving people, you might as well say goodbye to the business. Now, leave. Look on the bright side? When she dies, maybe she’ll be easier to get a date with finally. Instead of, you know. Being some visualization that haunts you?”

Beetlejuice shook his hands, fixed his collar, and then fixed his collar sleeves. This one knew everything. He had to go.

“It’s pretty sad to see someone that used to be a great big idol to me, fall into puppy dog territory for two measly humans.”

Puppy dog. “This puppy still has one gnarly bite.”

“Do you have enough to bite everyone coming after them?” they challenged them. “I bet you don’t. Especially when all we have to do is say your name.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you know you are enjoying your priviledge to come back and forth too much,” Beetlejuice warned him. “Overstep, and you’ll end up cursed just like me. In the meantime? What was it that used to make me an idol to you?”

“Oh, the fact you came up with this whole thing in the-”

Oh, her legs. Lydia started to wake up. She tried to stand back up but couldn’t. She wasn’t on the road. It was a striped mattress?

She was covered in the burning of being rubbed across the concrete. Her skin was bloody, peeling, and bruised. She may have broke a leg. She didn’t hurt as much as she thought she would. She saw Astrid beside her, but couldn’t stand up. She couldn’t even feel her legs. “Astrid.”

“I’m right here,” she told her.

Lydia felt herself getting scooped up. She felt something. A weird connection. She hadn't felt it in a long time, not since before her husband's death. Her body just wanted to sleep.

Astrid stared at him. Yeah, if there was any doubt before in her assumption, it was gone now.

Beetlejuice stood there, just holding her mom, hot as hell. Fire was starting to appear around him as another spirit appeared a little ahead. That spirit was bleeding severely. “You were warned like the last guy. Back off, or you’ve got 30 seconds before you face the waiting room again.”

“Your warning was a rabid bunch of you-dogs that took off his arm!” they complained. “The waiting room isn’t going to give back his arm.” It snarled. “I’ll leave this, but I’ll let everyone know what happened. No one will ever do business with you again.”

Astrid watched the exchange. If he didn't think a deal could be reached, he wouldn't have lifted a finger. Apparently, he was making enemies interfering even.

They had the upper hand whether he wanted to say it or not. There was something else too. This guy was the stuff of her mom's nightmares. But?

He was holding her and she wasn't fighting it. Even injured, she would at least be rigid. It kind of even . . . looked like her mom was relaxed.

When Astrid was small and she woke up in the morning, she would see her mom just like that with her dad. Not the same position. It was the same kind of . . . feeling.

She approached him. “I don't buy it. She does know you.” She looked straight at him. She wouldn't back down. “The chances she would be into you are slim, but it doesn't matter because you will run after her each time anyhow.”

Oh he had a bitter face, but she knew that she was right.

“No marriage. Make a workable deal with mom,” Astrid insisted. “Otherwise we are all going to keep going in circles until we die, or you do.”

He didn't want to take it. It was clear he didn't like following orders. “This freebie was the last one you get.” He started to scan the area. “There’s more than one already here.”

“No, it's not. You will keep coming back.” Astrid stayed strong, but she also felt her mouth get sewn shut! She touched it, but it didn't hurt. Just another reason she could tell. He could do that and make sure it hurt, but he didn’t. He had a huge bark, but he wasn't biting with fangs.

She had no doubt he had them. Her mom did tell her about him. He did kill people for a living.

He was a dangerous undead demon guy. He was also the person that her mom looked really comfortable in the hands of right now. She even nestled against him while he was still looking around.

“Alright you pest, I know your close,” he insisted. It looked like he knew there were more out there.

The smell of him. Her mom didn't even seem to mind it. Even hurt, the average person would try to scramble away from that smell, not cozy up to it.

It was weird. Astrid didn't understand it. “Anyone would be fighting to get away from that smell.” She had to point it out. “Mom is comfortable in your arms. I think maybe you do have a chance.”

He stopped looking around to glance at her. “She's out.”

“Your smell probably still wakes the freshly dead,” Astrid said to him.

“Flattery won't get you anywhere.” He said it with a straight face.

Strange. He wanted her to be sure about it before. She gave him a good sign, just like he wanted, and he was ignoring it. Like, it was really hard to accept it.

Astrid knew the feeling, but she could really see it. Somehow. It was like . . . but it wasn’t. It couldn't be, she knew her dad. He didn't look like him. He didn't act like him. But.

The feeling between them. That feeling. Before her parents became distant, she felt that feeling. She still cared for her mom and her dad, but the feelings were changed. Now those changed feelings, they were back. “Impossible.” She stared at him. He wasn’t talking, but he clearly knew something. “You feel like . . .” How?

“Just your imagination, Kid,” he answered.

No. “How?” This deadbeat disgusting undead monsterlike demon. “You’re my dad?”

“Ooh, you are trusting your gut a lot more, aren’tcha?” He didn’t deny it.

No way, there’s no way her mom would do that. “She said, she just, she fell out of love before he died.” The feelings changed beforehand. The closeness. Everything changed.

Standing next to to Beetlejuice, with him holding her mom. It felt like when she was a kid again. That strange, weird, almost whimsical buzzing between all three of them. It was always there, and then it was just gone one day. Even when her dad was still alive, it was just gone.

A mess. She felt so incredibly sad. That feeling was lost to time. And now, it was there again. “She can’t even stand you, and you’re dead.” She knew her eyes were starting to tear up, but she didn’t want to.

It didn’t make any sense. What was going on? What was he hiding?!

Okay, she had to get it together. Rethink things through.

Her mom Lydia wouldn't trust him to work out any deal. She didn't think he wanted anything else from her but his freedom.

The almighty undead guy Beetlejuice, was definitely hiding things, but he was skeptical of giving any chance. He gave it twice, and both times it fell apart. He wouldn’t share any secret now.

No one would budge. They would all eventually be dead at this rate. “I don’t want to die. I know mom doesn’t want to either. Is there anyway we can get out of this? It looked like you might have fought a couple spirits.”

“Six,” he told her. “I took out five. The guy I was talking to was taken out by another one.” He readjusted her mom. “I know you want to live. It’s a pipe dream.”

“Even if mom married you?” she asked.

“We are talking I don’t know how many contracts, but every bioexorcist is eventually gonna show up,” he said to her. “Big, small, and company handled.”

She moved closer. “How many are there?”

Beetlejuice stared at her with a raised eyebrow. “Whoah, what are you thinking? Oh, I know what your thinking.” He backed up. “There’s no way,” he refused. “No way. No how.”

Astrid had to try. “Please?”

“Please? Really, please?” Beetlejuice walked around with her mom, back and forth. “Gee, let me think. Since Lydia still has a backbills to pay, that needs taken care of first. Let’s see. I still need paid in some way for stopping the exorcism of the Maitlands. I should have gotten paid for saving them years of the Neitherworld overlap too, that gift wasn’t spoken, but it still counts now. Then, there was saving you with your mom. Add in these five guys, and the gremlin I dealt with earlier. All in all, can you even pay what you owe already?”

Well? “No.”

“Then how are you gonna pay for me to take out at least 500 dead guys! Because that’s what we are looking at! Some professional, some new, some ‘cup of coffee getting paid by the big companies to defeat houses for yuppie new ghosts’ ghosts too. Not to mention the really big one, I’m a fucking demon ova here! Name three times, I’m done!”

Boy. He sure could yell.

“Then, yeah, the kicker? Even if I did all of that . . . they just come back! They’ll go to the waiting room for awhile and be back out there before you know it, ready to off you again. So? I know your clever. Are you clever enough to get the debt owed to me, and figure out a way to stop all the contracts? I’ll give you a few minutes.”

Chapter Text

Debt owed. Her mom would have to marry him. Was that even enough? It would be necessary, they needed the three times thing off. But even if he took them out, they were ghosts too. They couldn’t be killed. Then what, the contracts? It sounded like there would be thousands.

Contracts. Contracts had limits, just like the one he had with mom. Maybe that was a place to start? “Is there an expiration date for each one, or a clause that terminates it?”

Beetlejuice blinked. “Impressive. These contracts aren’t the same, hell, I came up with them, they just copied them. This bioexorcism thing was mine, all mine. I covered everything, and these aren’t really governed by the living world or the neitherworld. That way I can run back and forth to get my prey. Get it?”

He made the contracts. “The enforcer to the contract was just you.”

“When you are killing people? You tend to be enough enforcement,” he answered.

Hmm. “You must know any weaknesses it has then.”

“No weaknesses. I made these iron clad,” he insisted. Oh, he was proud of it.

“Okay, but if you were expected to be really good, then when did it end?” Maybe that was the way to go.

He blew out air. “I never went long. Didn’t have to think about it, I’m excellent at what I do.”

Okay, less bragging. Did he have a date on it? “Your clients needed to trust you. Didn’t you have a date to promise results back?”

“Three to six months,” he said. “Standard jargon, not needed, usually finished within a day or two. Hours.”

Okay, he was a real bragger.

“People want results. Person can be anywhere, Neitherworld or Timbuktu, wherever. Normally, they run six months. Some take a year.”

“Then, can you put us somewhere that no one could find us at?” Maybe that could work.

Beetlejuice swayed with her mom’s body. “I could for a short time. A week. Maybe two, tops. But? I’ve got this soul sucking ex-wife. Literally. If she comes back from the waiting room and figures it out, that’s it. We’re all dead. Anything after two weeks there is risky.”

The best they had was two weeks, and even then, someone else might still find them to kill them.

“Alright, time’s up,” he said. “You got anything?”

Astrid couldn’t think of anything else. She would have to hear what he had.

“Okay. I’m not a desperate sap looking for twenty bucks from new ghosts anymore,” he said. “I don’t have that kind of time to pursue. So, this is what I can do for you, and this is it,” he said as a retainer appeared in his mouth. “I can be on a retainer. Starts with marriage. Lasts until the contracts go out.”

Retainer? “What’s that?”

“You can pay for my services ahead of time,” he said. “Instead of me popping up and getting payment or, more likely than not with you lot, shortchanged? I get taken care of first, so I can take care of you later.”

Reasonable, but he wanted marriage. Although, she did just think of something. “Your clients, you don’t marry them. What do they pay?”

“Money.”

Her mom could pay money. Her show made her a lot of money. She stashed a good chunk away. The only thing was that they needed that curse off, or Beetlejuice would just be sent back and forth. I’ve got it. “Marriage is the retainer.”

“Yeah, obviously.” He didn’t look impressed by her.

Strange how that kind of bothered her. She shouldn’t care how impressed he’d been. But. She still had her senses all messed up. It felt like her dad was around. “Part of the retainer,” she fully explained. “We need you for so long, just like people need legal help. Right?”

Okay, he was starting to look a little impressed.

She really shouldn’t care about that. Why did she care about that? “The marriage is part of the retainer, plus the fee for everyone that you defeat. If, at the end of it all, mom can’t afford the fee of it all, you get married. If mom can afford the fee, then you just walk away.”

He wasn’t immediately discounting her idea but he wasn’t reaching for it either. He didn’t really say anything.

Mom had stacked up a lot of money from the show. She should be okay. “She could pay the standards that you use to get rid of humans.”

“Oh I don’t know about that. My prices went up high,” he said. “It’s a side job, to a required job. See, uh? My little stunts last time around didn’t go unnoticed.” He jiggled his hand. “Eternity is an afterlife call center.” He looked at a watch on his wrist. “In fact, unless you guys want to free me, I am going to have to get back to work.”

He had a job? “What about us?”

“Sucks to be you, what do you want me to say?” he asked. “I don’t get a choice about it. I’m just the manager. Unless-”

“Mom marries you and frees you.” Damn. They really needed to figure something out. “What are your prices?”

“First, I’m required to see if they can’t handle things themselves. Then, I have to give some guidance over the phone. I’ve got others looking over my work, so?” He shrugged. “My freelance time is high. Here you go.”

He moved her mom around enough for him to reach in his jacket. He gave her a business card.

Bioexorcist. Bouncer. Escorter. Roper. Last Chance. “I know bioexorcist. What’s the rest?”

“Bouncer. I get people out without killing them,” he answered. “Works well for the freshly dead that still have a lot of feelings for them. Escorter. Sending other ghosts back to the waiting room. Roper. When the dead have other company and lose it, I go get it. The amount of people who don’t get why they are in sandworms is astounding. Last Chance, that one was brilliant. Your mom used me for that. When the living are actually exorcising a ghost, I come in and stop it. Now that one?” He half gestured, half pointed at her. “That one is desperation. Yeah. Usually other services that happen during it are free.”

“How much are your services? Can you convert it into dollars?” Astrid asked. She was trying to keep him in his business state of mind. If she could do that, and appeal to his greed instead, maybe she could save her mom from a lifetime of marriage.

Beetlejuice moved Lydia around again for a calculator. He held it up with magic, and dialed on it until it burned out. “Sure. I got your numbers. Hand me my card back.”

Astrid gave him the card back. He wrote down on it and gave it back to her. Whoah. “You’re kidding.”

“It’s not my prices, I can’t go lower, or I’ll do too well that I’ll try and bust out. I mean, that’s what the Neitherworld thinks,” he told her. “Standard rates.” He scoffed. “People wonder why I went rogue.”

“This is so expensive.” Was he telling the truth?

“Do you know how annoying the living are to live with? Most people are getting rid of one, maybe two of them. Sometimes a family. They can eventually figure out how to pay if they are desperate enough.”

Astrid looked at the prices. What would be the best way to do this? “What if they get away, and you can’t get them to the waiting room again?”

“Then it was a bouncer fee.”

Bouncer. Then they would still come back.

“Hey?” He gestured to her. “I’m not gonna drag something out just to make more. It’s a business. I take care of it. Now, I’m really good at parties and finding a good time, but I’m a real professional at what I do.”

Mom had a lot of money saved. Astrid didn’t know how much though, and it was hard to tell how long it would take. “Most would probably be standard. Three to six months.”

“You’ll have some outliers, but probably not many. Longest I’ve seen is two centuries. With most of them out of the way, I should be able to chase down the outliers.”

“Centuries?”

“Yeah, but most clients wouldn’t want to give something that long. Living or dead, nobody wants to wait around forever for stuff to happen, you know?”

Okay. That covered information on the fees, but she still had a major problem to face. “Only two to three weeks of safety? Is there anything else we can do? We can lie.”

He just chuckled, his top teeth really showing. “Good at lying, huh.”

“I’m not good at it, but we can lie,” she offered. For her life, she could lie.

“Nice to hear. Did I mention, uh, I’m being watched a lot now?” he reiterated. “Anything I do is finagling but legal. Eventually it’s gonna get unfinagled. Without marriage, I can’t get away.”

They needed months, not weeks.

“Marriage has to be fast too, I’m still paying for that last job I just did for you guys,” he reminded her. “I’ve got a Wolf on my tail.”

Marriage. Astrid was trying to look at all the corners. “Is it illegal to marry someone who’s alive?”

“Betelgeuse!”

“I didn’t do anything!” He yelled back as someone from the wedding approached him.

Oh okay, if Beetlejuice didn’t know anything, then maybe this guy did? He was actually law enforcement. “Wait!” Astrid said to him. “We need help.”

He just cocked his head at her. “Help? You need help? Everyone needs help in this crazy world.”

Okay, a little weird. That was melodramatic. “My mom and I have a thousand contracts against us now. My mom nearly died just now, he barely saved her. We need his help.”

“Then summon him in his off hours, he’s gotta go back to work,” the law person said.

Really. “We are going to die if you take him away. Is there a way that we can pay for him to be out to help us?”

The law person looked funny. “Someone actually wants this guys help? Look, little girl.” He bent down toward her, taking a long dramatic sigh. “This world is hard and it’s cruel. We all try to get by in it. We lift ourselves up each day, and just keep on going.”

“I can,” Astrid said slowly, “if I can live. Don’t take him. Help us.”

“Yeah, don’t take me,” Beetlejuice agreed. “If life is at stake and there's a death that you could have prevented, you’ll get written up, Officer Wolf.”

“Okay. What kind of contracts are coming?” Wolf asked her.

“Bioexorcist contracts.”

“That isn’t governed by the Neitherworld, those are outside contracts by individuals that are often illegal.” He glanced toward Beetlejuice.

“Mine are by the books now, I even gave her the rates,” Beetlejuice insisted.

“Yeah, they better be,” Wolf said to him. “The Neitherworld is never pretty. Not every Tom, Dick, and Harry should be hiring killers.”

“Look. We can pay whatever. We can do whatever,” Astrid said. “We just need to get rid of these contracts, or keep him somehow to help.”

“Living world is not my department,” Wolf said. “I do have a heart though. I may be missing some of my head, but boy, I still do have my heart. Tell me all the details you have, and I’ll give you the skinny. Straight, blunt, and without frills ‘cause that’s how I handle things. No frills.”

“When me and my mother, Lydia Deetz, were in the Neitherworld, people made contracts on us for mom’s show, Ghost House. A lot of people. We are going to need some real help to survive.” If he cared, maybe he could help? If it wasn’t all just smoke. “We just need to stay safe until the contracts expire, but we’ve already been found by several exorcists within hours.”

“Yeah, they tend to be good at their illegal craft.” Wolf looked back at Beetlejuice, then back at her.

“Mister Wolf,” Astrid said. “We don’t have anywhere else to turn to.” He was really big into melodrama, she might as well try his way. “My mom and I? We’re going to die, and we don’t want to die. Look at my mom, look at her!” She yelled and pointed to her in Beetlejuice’s arms. “She was only saved because of him, but this is going to keep happening. Please? Don’t leave a little girl and her mom at death’s doorstep? Help us?”

“Come on, Officer Wolf,” Beetlejuice added to it. “A kid is begging you.”

“Is it illegal for my mom to marry him for our safety?” She’d just outright ask it.

“Oh, absolutely,” Wolf said easily.

Beetlejuice cleared his throat. “Check her records, Wolf.”

“Records?” Wolf was confused but started to dig them out. “Oh. Fascinating. You already live with one foot in each side.”

What did he mean by that?

“Just tell her whether it's possible,” Beetlejuice told him.

“Right, right. Yes, you two qualify, but on the few occasions it happens, it is no picnic. You will have to spend time in the Neitherworld for months.”

Months. Perfect.

“It will be intense.” Wolf looked at Beetlejuice. “He knows.”

Beetlejuice rolled his eyes around, and eventually started dipping his head in different directions as he started to talk fast. “I gotta bring her and any children over, willingly, and get them evaluated. I have to get signed confessions of release from any marriage they had in process while they were alive, I have to get my own questionable marriage in order, and then I have to send in papers for any of the ceremony stuff. It has to be half living world contained and half dead contained. We have to agree on the worlds we want to stay in together. How long. With whom. We have to get written permission for a place to stay in both worlds. The owner in the physical world has to have ties to the undead world, and has to have read the Handbook for the Recently Deceased at least once. Permissions from the other world’s residence to have living people in it, then there’s the death circumstances, when, if, how it happens, jobs, more permissions, tests over handbook, permissions, minors, permissions, it just goes on and on and on!”

Oh, “Because it’s going to take a really long time.”

“Right!” He agreed. “No!” He disagreed. “Ugh.”

That was it. “Mister Wolf, can he marry my mom like that?”

“To get married, in this crazy world full of crazy people,” he answered. “You gotta know some tough answers about some tough things, and you can’t share those answers with nobody. You become a stranger to the world you belong in, to walk, with one foot in the other side.” He spread his hands around in gestures. “You don’t even really feel alive anymore with all these secrets buried so deep. And if it ever gets to be too much and you break rules about sharing? Ah.” He shook his head so sadly. “It’s a one way ticket straight to hell. No time in the Neitherworld. No makeup. No nothing.”

“All that has to happen, to have mom marry him?” she asked. “A quick ceremony is-”

“Illegal, yes, extremely, all permissions must be secured!” Wolf propped up and looked over at Beetlejuice with accusing eyes.

“What? I didn’t do anything this time,” he said.

“This time. You’ve tried twice before,” Wolf warned him. “You aren’t getting away with it. I can see your moves, before you even make them. Yeah.” He nodded his head. “You won’t get away with anything with Wolf Jackson watching you.”

“Well, I’m not gonna, Officer Wolf,” he said to him. “Because the little number I’m carrying in my arms? Hasn’t done anything but betray me.”

“Yes, I saw that,” Wolf smiled. “The Deetzes are good people. They put you right back where you belong.”

“What we talked about before?” Astrid said to Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice sighed. “Officer Wolf Jackson?” He glanced over to him. “I need one day off to get some affairs in order. It could save lives. My team can hold down the fort. Come on. I’ve been good. I saved Astrid’s soul not real long ago.”

“It has to be initiated by the dead first and that takes a couple of weeks,” Wolf said. “After that, they can come into the Neitherworld. They just need to figure out how to survive until then. If they can.”

“Nah, I got it,” Beetlejuice said. “Legally, I can get them in. I just need the rest of today off. That’s it.”

Wolf eyed him for about a minute. “Fine. You get the rest of the day, but you go back to work tomorrow.” He held his finger at him. “You better not be up to something illegal. I will catch you if you are.”

As the officer left, Astrid stared at him. It sounded like he’d take it. Was he finally going to take it?

Chapter Text

“I’ve been swindled twice by your ma,” he reminded her. “Forgive me for not diving into shark infested waters yet.” He suddenly had a bathing suit on. “Little nervous it won’t go well. Even with a retainer, you are pretty clever. If you figure something out, it won’t end well for me. Again.”

Insurance. There was only thing Astrid could think of. “Me. If you take this risk, I’ll give up my soul if we don’t fulfill the deal.”

“Don’t need it. I don’t want to live again, that’s lame.”

“Would it work on getting rid of your soul-sucking wife?” she asked. “If she’s alive again.” He looked intrigued. “I won’t welch on the deal.”

“Promises, promises.” He glanced toward her mom who he was still holding. So far, he had never wanted to put her down. “The marriage is the retainer, I want paid my amount per transaction. All business is done by the end of the day. We will bounce back between worlds, you need to be ready at a moment’s notice. If she runs out of money, the marriage happens.”

Okay. “So you don’t want my soul as backup?” Astrid asked.

“Nah, keep it.”

Why? It was clear that it would stop his ex if she was alive again. He doesn’t want me to lose my soul.

“I mean what kind of new dad would I be for ya if I let you do that?” he added.

“You are just a potential future stepdad.”

“Ya sure?”

Oh now he was teasing! She was already on the brink, his actions and her feelings around him. “You better eventually explain what I’m feeling right now.”

That phrase seemed to really elate him. “Sure. Eventually. So, if the deal is ready?” He chuckled, kind of wickedly. He shoved his hand straight at her. His body glowed like there was suddenly fire around them. “Then shake your new daddy's hand.”

Oh, she hated the way he did that. It wasn't hard to tell she was making a deal with a demon.

Something had to give though, and this was all she had. Except, for one thing. “The marriage is the retainer.”

“Right, we established that.”

“Marriage is a relationship. You don’t have one with her. So? No grabbing. No hugging. No kissing. No dating. No touching my mom in any way without permission.”

“Whaaat?!” It was the strangest anger mixed with a whine. She didn’t know whether to be afraid, or give him a treat like a good little dog. “Do you know how long-”

“No deal,” Astrid insisted. “Anything else, you need to ask mom about first.”

“Oh, you and you modern day people. Take all the fun out of everything,” he complained. He grumbled.

“Do you kiss your clients?” she asked, but that backfired.

“Used to. Modern day dead folk, you guys are another breed. You all want your space. People get super mad and then there’s no job. Keep yelling shit like canceled. Then their contract is cancelled and they probably regretted that later.”

Ew. “All of it’s part of a relationship, which is part of the retainer.” Oh, she hated how that sounded, like her mom would just go for him after marriage, but it was the best shot mom had not to get annhilated by him right afterwards. “Your dead. She’s living. She’s going to have to get used to . . .” She gestured toward his face. Especially toward his teeth. “That.” Right. “You should take a bath too.”

“Hey! If I accept these nonsense boundaries, then you gotta respect mine too. Isn’t that what all you people are into these days? Boundaries?”

Boundaries. “If you smell so much that she doesn’t want to be near you, your going to have a hard time getting anything like a kiss.”

“Oh. Done.”

Wait? Astrid smelled the air. She could smell the air, but there wasn’t anything foul in it anymore. “What did you do?”

“Changed the old factory settings of your nose,” he said.

Old factory. Olfactory. He was covering the scent from their noses, but he was still dirty. “Not good enough. We are living. Dirt equals germs, and too many germs can kill us. It’s not an exaggeration.”

He scratched his head. “We’ve reached a crossroads.” A railroad sign fell between them.

Astrid looked up and moved backward as a whole train fell down! It started to speed across the tracks.

Whether he wanted to or not, apparently that disgust was part of what made him, him. So far, this seemed like the hardest part of the dealings. While the train crossed, she had to think.

Jeremy didn’t have an odor even though he was dead. Her dad Richard, sort of smelled like fish though. He would definitely be taking care of himself, he did in life. The smell wasn’t too bad, but he did smell like fish and the rainforest.

When the train finished passing, she knew what she had to ask. “Can you get rid of the smell or did you die with it?”

His eyes went wide and he even took a step backward. He just looked at her strangely.

Yep, she nailed it. He would never smell well even if he did take care of himself. “Basic hygiene, enough not to kill us, and we’ll learn to accept it.” They had to. It was part of wherever he came from.

“Modern people are weird,” he just muttered. “There won't be that much difference. Fine! Basic that it can’t kill you. Picky.”

Astrid watched as the whole set up of the train disappeared. He stuck his hand out again. “This includes mom’s treatment?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he muttered. “I’ll work on marriage papers as a delay tactic, until I do win her. Until then, I get paid.”

“Right.”

“I can’t believe I am stooping this low,” he complained. He changed from his ridiculous bathing suit back to the strange black and white tuxedo. “Thing’s happen in threes. Even on the two, I really tried. I knew it wouldn’t happen.” He glanced at her. “All the sweet green icing, flowing down. Someone left the cake out in the rain.”

He didn't sing it, he just said it, but she vaguely knew what he was saying. Those were the lyrics to the song he made them sing at the wedding. She was too shocked and had no control of herself during that part, she wasn’t thinking about the lyrics. Cake. They did sing a lot about cake. “What song did you make us sing? I’d never heard of it before.”

She grabbed her phone from her pocket.

“People are attached to those like umbilical chords,” he said.

Astrid didn’t care what he said, nor with his phrasing did she want to see what he was doing. She was typing the lyrics into the phone to find the song. Jimmy Webb wrote the song. The meaning?

It wasn’t something the average person would be singing at a wedding that was happy. Apparently, the songwriter was broken up about losing his girlfriend in MacArthur Park and wrote about it. Beetlejuice could not have made it clearer. He knew how it would end, before anything even happened to jeopardize the wedding. “If you knew the marriage wouldn’t happen, why’d you try?”

“Same reason,” he muttered. “I’m still trying.”

Astrid looked at him a couple seconds longer before putting her phone away. Her mother called him a trickster demon. He wasn’t a nice person. He smelled horiffic, he was terrible, he killed innocent people for his job. He tried to marry her mom. He was going to ride up the hugest bill he could before this was over. He was the thing that haunted mom’s nightmares.

And for the strangest reason, he felt like her dad. The impossible marriage the officer said couldn’t happen, it suddenly could when he saw her records. A lot of things refused to make any sense. He probably had those answers, but one thing was for sure.

She knew it, for a fact. If he was given extra freedoms? He wouldn’t be the chaos supreme her mom thought he’d become. It wouldn’t unleash some hell on Earth. He’d stay right there, with them. Protecting them until the job was over.

This time, she extended her hand.

He still looked skeptical.

She pulled her hand back briefly. “The other deals were made in the spur of the moment,” Astrid pointed out. “With a desperate young teenager, and a desperate mom wanting to save her daughter. This deal had an officer involved, a retainer, payment, and we worked out details about hygiene and boundaries.” It had been thought through. “We are going to finish this deal.” She put out her hand again. “One shower a week. Including hair.”

He grabbed her hand.

“You have to brush your teeth everyday too,” she added.

He pulled his hand away.

“If mom does like you, or she at least feels pity enough for you to give into a kiss? She’ll choose a hug or something different, she never will like that.” That seemed to work.

He put out his hand again.

They shook.

“Don’t stab me in the back again,” he warned her. “Things have a tendency of happening in three’s. Your mom needs to get in on the deal too, she’s part of it. That and she already owes me.”

“Yeah.”

“Back payment too.”

“I know.” Astrid looked at the card. “You sent five to the waiting room.”

“Escorter,” he said. “Never helped the living much, but we’ll just flip the definitions but keep the same rates. Five escorters. One Bouncer. One Roper.”

Five escorters. Astrid saw a calculator pop up in front of her, free floating. She put in the prices. Escorters are 2500. Bouncer is 1000. Roper is 500. She did the math. “14,000 dollars.”

“That was today. Now? Since I got scrubbed on the other deals. Another roper, but an advanced roper.” A piece of paper appeared in front of him and flew toward her face.

Astrid grabbed it. It had the details of all the pricing and more detailed pricing. All of the official pricing was off the charts, but it made sense why, even Officer Wolf said it. Not everyone needed a killer.

“Breaking into the neitherworld falls into advanced,” he said.

When he brought her mom to the Neitherworld illegally to get her, it turned advanced. And advanced? Ten thousand plus 500. “10,500.” She added them together. “24,500.” Then, she knew what was going to be next. Last Chance. “There’s no way anyone could pay this.”

“It’s big, that’s why anything that happens in it is free.”

It better be for that price. “It’s 250,000.”

“There’s no coming back from exorcism,” he said. “It’s just 208 dollars a month for a hundred years. It’s the only plan the Neitherworld allows to be a payment plan. For your mom? I was sent back to the waiting room again. No deal. Full price. Up front.”

“274,500.” That was just what was owed. “Wake up mom.”

“I need time to draw up contracts and get things ready for this maybe fake marriage thing. Right now, I need two things. To finagle, and to lie to your mom a lot.”

He didn’t trust her to stay. That only made sense. “Lie away, I won’t tell her anything yet.”

Beetlejuice looked down at her mom. “Hey? Know your sleeping happily. Gonna have to end it for you. I’ve been chatting with our daughter a good thirty minutes now.”

Then, the sensation Astrid felt from her childhood was gone. That comfortable funny feeling in her stomach completely disappeared. She could tell without a fact her dad was nowhere there. As suddenly as it had come out of the blue, it now disappeared? 

Chapter Text

“Chatting?” Lydia opened her eyes and realized she was being held by Beetlejuice. “Put me down!”

“You sure? You were super comfortable in my arms,” Beetlejuice teased her. “Just ask our daughter.”

“No.” He put her down. Ew! She moved away, but still swore she could feel his greasy grip. She adjusted her clothes and checked her leg. “I thought it was worse, that’s good.”

She saw Astrid not very far. Her daughter must have called for him. “Are you okay?”

Astrid looked crossed at her. “You owe Beetlejuice 274,500 dollars.”

What? Lydia’s brows furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Those are the backfees for everything he’s done for you, including today,” Astrid answered here. “Your show.” She pointed at her mom. “Ghost House. It’s to blame for what’s happening.”

Oh, all the progress they were making together, it looked like it was getting away. Lydia watched as papers started to fall from the sky like rain, all around them. Hundreds at least. “What’s this?”

“Probably a representation of all the contracts on our heads.” Astrid was definitely angry at her. “People have contracts, for our lives, because of your show.”

Her show? “It’s been over. What about it?”

“Can’t have proof of life after death,” Beetlejuice answered. “Plus, shaming the dead is probably mixed in there too somewhere. Yeah. There’s about a thousand contracts out on you.”

A thousand?

“We are hiring Beetlejuice to protect us,” Astrid said.

Hiring? What did she miss when she was unconscious? “Contracts on us.” For the show. “The show’s been around. There have been similar show’s to mine. No one’s ever done that before to anyone.”

“That’s because no one knew exactly where we were. You have to know where your target is when you fill out the contract. But? When we went over to the Neitherworld, they found out. Especially when you broke in,” she said firmly.

“Oh, you were on the Neitherworld media everywhere,” Beetlejuice told her. “Even newbies trapped in houses were getting it on their tv’s. Location part was sealed.”

That couldn’t be happening. Thousands of contracts from just her show? “I didn’t know about some proof after death?”

“You were living, of course you didn’t,” Beetlejuice said. “Doesn’t stop others from making contracts.”

“I bet several people have them, they just can’t get them because they haven’t broken into the Neitherworld to make the address easy.” Astrid kept riding her.

Oof. “Well, I had to do something,” she tried to reason with her.

“I had to do something too,” Astrid answered back. “I made an agreement with Beetlejuice.”

An agreement? Lydia looked toward Beetlejuice. What kind of agreement did he make with her?

“We need to pay what he’s owed first,” Astrid said. “274,500 dollars.”

That was ridiculous. There was no way his services cost that much, he was just squeezing out what he could get again.

“Don’t look like that,” Astrid warned her.

There was a demon, next to her, and she only seemed mad at her?

“It’s not his fault. He’s the one saving us. I worked out the best deal I could, considering what we are facing.”

“You shouldn’t have done that without me-”

“Hard to do it with you when you were dragged out onto the open road off a cliff!” She yelled at her. “If it wasn’t for the fact that I called Beetlejuice beforehand, you’d be dead right now!”

Oh. She’s right. She was just taken so fast, she never even thought about saying his name again. Lydia looked at her wounds. They should feel a lot worse. He stitched my mouth together so I couldn’t call out his name before in the model. It didn’t hurt a bit. He was controlling the pain.

No wonder Astrid was mad at her. I don’t have a choice. Lydia already knew what was coming.

“I hired Beetlejuice,” Astrid said in an actual nice manner. “Most contracts, according to him, are three to six months. We are going to move around with him, so he can keep us safe.”

Three to six months? Lydia looked at Beetlejuice and squirmed slightly. Three to six months of him?

“You need to agree,” Astrid told her.

Lydia leaned backward as he came closer to her.

“Not getting much choice. Hug on it?”

At least he asked? “Shake. I think.” She looked toward Astrid one more time. Her expression said a lot right now. She made the best deal she could, and there wasn’t a choice. She almost lost me. She already lost her father.

Three to six months stuck with him. At least Astrid kept her hand in marriage out of it. Astrid knew she placed a lot of her money in savings, and didn’t spend too much unless Delia was coming over to see them. The house payment ate up some of it. Astrid’s private education. She really did try to save.

He always wanted something big in return though. Was it just money? Was he still scheming to escape to the outside world? “How do we know for sure you are going to honor this deal?”

She watched as his expression went between funny and angry.

“How do you know I’ll honor it? Really? Really?!” Oh, he was mad. “You are the one that wiggled out of the deal, both times! You are the one that I don’t trust!”

“Then why do you trust me to make a deal again?!”

“Because if you don’t, your daughter is gonna have something to say to you.”

Hm? Lydia looked toward Astrid. What did he do? How did he turn her against her so much! “Astrid?”

“I worked very hard trying to get him to trust in this,” Astrid said. “Because we don’t have any other option. You’d be dead right now, there would be no option to even do this. It happened so-”

“Astrid!” Astrid was roped like cattle and just yanked across the ground, about to be dragged just like she was! No, that pain, she didn’t want that for-!

The road became soft playdough as Astrid was dragged across it. She wasn’t dragged far before she was cut loose.

By Beetlejuice.

Lydia ran toward Astrid to check on her. Nothing, I couldn’t have done nothing. Just like when she saw that door close to the waiting room and ran towards him for help. Just like . . .

////1988 . . .

Barbara! Adam! Lydia just watched as they were shriveling in front of her. “No.” Barbara, although brittle and barely appearing as the person she used to be, tried to reach out. They were dying. She told everyone they were dying, but no one listened.

Even when they did start to believe it, nothing could be done. No one could save them.

She ran to the only other person who could help. She moved straight to the model. “Just help them, please!”

Beetlejuice was dressed in a black and white tuxedo relaxing on tombstones. He spoke a little, getting straight to the point. Marriage to get out.

Lydia didn’t care, she was desperate. “Okay, just save them!”////

It was a risk. It was a big risk. The laughter of the inner child of Beetlejuice killing people in her dreams echoed in her mind. He did good, yes. He helped, yes, but it was always for his benefit. He had such massive power. I can’t lose Astrid. I won’t let Astrid lose me.

She trusted that nightmare once, and escaped it.

She trusted that nightmare twice, and escaped it.

That nightmare that she dread, just disappeared in front of her. She found her dreading that so much worse. The road lost the playdough feel. Astrid looked at her, eyes so scared. If she was grabbed again.

Astrid was rarely ever scared, no matter what she went through. The look on her face. There wasn’t a choice. “Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse.”

They were going to die without him. She had to take the chance. She heard a loud scream in the distance, and then watched Beetlejuice appear beside her again.

“That’s another 3000 dollars, Honey.”

Heaven help me. “Don’t call me Honey or Sweetie,” she insisted. “It’s Lydia.”

He looked so giddy? “Lydia. Do you want a hug? Would that make you happy?"

“No.” There’s no way a disgusting demon was going to make her happy. “Just keep us alive, that’ll make me happy.”

“Right,” he snorted. “You bet. Got it. The juice is on the job, totally. A hundred percent, I can do this.”

“Right.” Could he? She did remember that his juice was really strong. He was pretty clever like Astrid. That was a lot of contracts on them though.

“Yep. By the time we’re done, were all gonna be one biiiiig happy family. Anyhow, not exactly supposed to give confident proof of a ghost’s existence, so we better head out. Who’s got chalk? That’d be me.”

Beetlejuice drew a door on a large tree and knocked three times. “We get to go in the front today. Come on.”

“Come on, Astrid.” Lydia took a deep breath and went in. She came back out to see Astrid. “We need to do this. You need to come in here soon.”

Astrid didn’t move. Her mom was giving her space. She did that sometimes, when it was needed.

Beetlejuice gestured her in. “Yeah, first experience was bad for you, almost losing your soul. Can’t be helped. Gotta go.”

“No one can swap my soul for theirs?” she asked.

“You’re fine. Just don’t say anything that’s not in your language. Let’s move already,” he said again.

Astrid sighed. “Don’t call me Honey, Sweetie, Dear, or anything like that.”

“I’m gonna call you a pain in the ass if you don’t move,” he said oh so not lovingly. “Clock is moving, tick tock, waiting rooms aren’t fun, wanna die before we get through?” He held his hands out. “Hey, you were the one that proposed it this way.”

Right. She had to. They would be staying on that side for some time. Astrid went in. She didn’t want to get too far from her mom.

Waiting Room . . .

Yeah. Now that Lydia wasn’t spooked about marriage, maybe he finally had a chance. “So, how’s life been?”

Lydia just glanced at him, not wanting to make small talk. “Good.”

“Good, good.” He looked around. “Daughter turned out okay.”

“Don’t try going after her,” Lydia warned him.

Wow. His reputation was really sealed. He scoffed. “Try and take out a few of the living, and all manner of trust, out the door.” Nope, nope. He had to calm down. She had to see him in a new light.

Astrid was right. If she was going to be his wife, he really wanted to have a willing wife. “You look pretty today?”

“What’s wrong with you?” Lydia stared at him. “What are you playing at? Why are you not begging for marriage? You better not be switching to my daughter.”

Ugh. “I’m not playing anywhere in particular,” he answered. “I’m not going after your daughter.”

“You are a thing of nightmares. Even the dead don’t want anything to do with you.”

Ouch. True but ouch. “Love you too, Honey.” Oh. “Inner child bit too much?” It wasn’t the best skit he ever had. His feelings definitely came unglued from being ignored all those years.

“You blew me up like I was pregnant, broke my water, and did that. You’ve done so much to my family.” Yeah, no loving eyes from her. “I know everything you tried with Barbara too.”

Oh, of course. The Maitland yuppies shared everything. “Love it if any of that was jealousy.”

“I don’t like you, but, I’ll do whatever you need,” Lydia said to him, “as long as you don’t bother Astrid.”

Oh, he felt that too.

Yep. Those eyes spelled it out.

“I also saved the Maitlands,” he reminded her.

“For marriage to me. Same for helping me with Astrid before.” Yeah, to her there was nothing good about that. “I don’t know what the deal is this time.”

But the trust was low. Geez. “Saved you, didn’t I? I could have just dealt with that little con-artist, instead I made him tell you the truth at the wedding.” Anything? A tiny sense. A tiny push. “Not one nice dream about me?”

“Last dream of you, I was watching Astrid give birth. Your inner child was born, killed everyone, and she just held it happily. So, no. No nice dreams.”

Oh. Yeah, he had connected with her briefly after the wedding again. He didn’t like to connect nicely after that defeat, and that spun into his dreams as well. He woke up because of it too. It was so intense, they actually connected for a second visually again. He had seen her panicked in bed, and she definitely saw him.

He just looked away toward the counter. He couldn’t say anymore though. He had to stay focused on what was important. Keeping her and Astrid safe in the neitherworld and getting rid of those contracts, while also keeping an eye out for his ex-wife. His soul was still tempting.

Right now, he couldn’t use the real world as an escape route yet. Not until he gained access there legitimately.

He heard their number being called and headed forward. “Hey. Party of one dead, and two not dead. Need to make a deal.” The counter woman just stared at him, clearly suspicious. Yeah, he probably bugged her in the past. He bugged any pretty lady in the past, when he could only make a short time physical connection, it was worth it.

“Come on. Let’s let bygones be bygones?” He gave her his information. All his information, he dumped it right onto her counter. Some of it fell off, but it wasn’t as important as what stayed on.

She looked through most of it. She rolled her eyes. "You know that's wrong."

"Doesn't say it is."

She just huffed. “To stay in the Neitherworld for that kind of case, you have to fill out this.” She gave him a small stack of papers.

“Got it, thanks.” He smiled at her. “The other way too?”

She narrowed her eyes. “Depending on how those trickster papers you fill out-”

“You know they’ll go right through,” he interrupted her. It was nice to see someone else having a bad day today.

“You suck. Get out of my sight.” She wasn’t being mean to be mean. She was dead, she could feel it too. Even thought Astrid and Lydia weren’t just visuals this time around, other dead could definitely feel the connection. It looked like it hurt even harder, knowing he definitely wasn’t deserving of the connection. It had pissed Juno off too.

“I didn’t ask for it,” he said in his defense. She didn’t say anything in return.

He went over and started to fill out the papers. He knew all of it, the tiniest details already. He brought it back over and gave it back.

He went back toward them. Both of them were watching him wearily. “So, we are done for now, you just need to get stamped. Let’s go.” He brought them forward.

The secretary had a stamp. “Move closer. The both of you.”

Lydia and Astrid both moved closer, and that woman stamped their foreheads.

“Come closer, I gotta initial.” She chewed her gum louder as she wrote on their heads.

Lydia and Astrid looked at each other.

They both angrily looked back at Beetlejuice.

“It couldn’t be helped.” She stamped the word LUGGAGE on their forehead. Underneath, she initialed Betelgeuse’s Property.

Lydia looked back toward the secretary. “Get this off of my forehead.”

“Can’t,” the secretary said in a spiteful delight. “It’s true. It’s the papers he filled out. As long as you are here with him, you aren’t living or dead. You are getting through in a loophole. You are his luggage for a week.”

Lydia looked back toward Beetlejuice.

“Wouldn’t have that junk on your head if you would have just married me.” Okay. Not good. His anger at her always shined through more. He needed to quit before his inner child came back and had a tantrum again.

“Luggage?” Astrid looked toward him. “What did you fill out for us?”

“You aren’t dead or alive. You’re carry on. It’s a loophole they never fixed, fully defining what luggage can and can’t be. You just can’t be more than a few feet away from me.”

“Luggage? You really put us in as luggage?” Astrid’s eyes were wide.

“It’s only gonna work for a short time,” the secretary warned them. “Eventually, it will come up to the board, and that paper will change.”

“Yeah, uh huh.” It wasn’t the first time he used a loophole. Only problem was that it did eventually get papers fixed. Each time he used one, it was an option gone in the future.

“You want anything longer, you might as well just kill yourself,” the secretary said. “You’re better off that way than sticking with him. Next!”

Chapter Text

Lydia looked around the place. Beetlejuice just sent them somewhere.

“This’ll be fine for a short time,” he said to each of them. “Welcome to limbo.”

“Where are we?” Astrid asked. She didn’t recognize it.

Lydia didn’t either. The place was covered in weird burgundy velvet. Like the tuxedo he tried to marry her in twice. It was small. There wasn’t anything there except one single chair, an end table and a newspaper. And a uh? She coughed. A foul odor. “Where are we?”

“Limbo,” he said again.

“No.” Lydia shook her head at him. “You need to be more descriptive than that.”

“Ah.” He nodded. “Were in the model.”

“On the inside of it?” she asked.

“Yeah. It’s home.” He gestured to it. “It’s my grave. Goes with me everywhere in limbo.”

Oh! Oh.

“This is a grave?” Asterid asked. “You stay in your own grave? That explains so much.”

“Deal with it. Right now, you’re my luggage,” he told Lydia.

He wasn’t just being funny when he hung out in the gravesite of the model. Ugh.

“You have to live in your own grave?” Astrid asked him.

“No, but I get to.” He looked pretty offended. “Maybe you missed it, I don’t know. There are a lot of ghosts out there. Real estate isn’t cheap.”

“But can’t you just make something appear?” Astrid asked.

There was probably a reason that wasn’t possible. None of his magic that he performed actually stayed that way. Even with the huge changes for the marriage on the house in Winter River. There were a lot of changes. It all reverted. She didn’t know if that’s because he left the living world, or if everything simply stayed for only so long.

It was something she had wondered about. An actual conversation with him. She hadn’t done that since she was young. There was too much adrenaline to talk much to him when she needed to get her daughter. Nothing but very quick contract stuff she had to do.

Regular conversation with the guy that caused her nightmares. “Mmm . . .” She scratched behind her ear. Had to at some point. “Does your juice only stay for so long?”

“Most times. It’s not supposed to have long term effects. It lasts longer in the Neitherworld, less long in reality,” he said. “Ergo. Yeah. I don’t have a gigantic mansion sitting on the side of a pool.”

Oh. “Barbara and Adam had their house.”

“Yeah, good for them. Over a hundred years, pretty sweet,” he said. “After that, they would have left the house for a lot longer. Gotten a real taste of the Neitherworld. Great thing they found a loophole.”

It was a good thing, they might not have enjoyed that as much. They thought they would move on after that, not just move on to losing the house.

“If you aren’t cursed, then do you get a house?” Astrid asked him.

“What’s wrong with my grave?” He pointed out. “My juice lasts longer here. I’ll have you know, it’s a fun size. Portable.”

“Right, you weren’t always in the model before Barbara and Adam.” So then? “You choose limbo?”

“You two? Are boring as hell right now,” he complained. “You learn all the boring stuff when you die. Just, go with the flow, alright?” He picked at his ear. “Be happy you are my luggage.” He started to check out a nearby drawer for something, muttering.

“What about your wife?” Astrid asked him. “She can’t come here, right?”

“Ex-wife. There’s a good question. Not directly.” He pulled something out of the drawer. “She would have to reach the real world, and that’s hard enough. Even if she does, staying in it is out of the question, so figuring out I’m in a random model in a house upstairs probably isn’t going to happen.” He closed the drawer. “Not at first. She is smart.”

“Then that means the contracts can't find us here either?” Lydia asked him.

“Another good question.” He didn’t speak as fast. “Mostly.”

Mostly? “People can still find this place?”

“Well, some bioexorcists might know. I might have dropped where I was once or twice in a random bar. Haven’t moved in awhile.” He rubbed the base of his chin. “Yeah. If the old Mrs. takes one of them, then she gets the information they had.”

Ooh.

“She’s not out yet. I’ll know when she comes out,” he pointed out.

“The grave home would be okay if it wasn’t so bad,” Astrid said bluntly. “If it had beds too.”

“Oh, that’s easy.” He juiced up two beds. One was a single, the other a double.

“That’s not going to work.” Lydia knew he could fix that.

He put in three singles. “Funner the other way.”

Still an odd demon. At least he wasn’t changing her body this time.

Nevermind, he did. She looked at herself and at Astrid. No fancy wedding dress.

PJ’s. Green PJ’s with patterns of black skulls.

“Get some sleep. I need to go do some stuff,” he insisted. “I’ll be back.”

“You aren’t supposed to leave far, you labeled us as luggage,” Lydia reminded him.

“Yeah, but, everyone forgets their luggage at home sometimes,” he said.

“Hey!” Astrid went over toward him. “Don’t mess with us with your juice. I don’t know how you know my dimensions, but I want my old clothes back, and don’t do that again without my permission.”

Oh, Astrid. That wasn’t a good idea. Times had changed above to be more respectful of personal things, but Beetlejuice had been dead for who knew how long. All that was going to get her was-

A bunny costume. Then it changed in a puff of smoke to a duck costume. Then it changed in a puff of smoke, to her regular clothes. Then it changed in a puff of smoke, to the pj’s he juiced on her before.

Astrid being Astrid though. “You’re such a jerk.”

“You have no idea,” Beetlejuice answered her. “Living world freedom isn’t here, Kiddo, get it straight in your head. Gotta be more careful when speaking your mind. Know who your speaking to first, what power they’ve got against you, and then figure out your next move.”

“Just, don’t juice things on us, you already said they don’t last forever,” Astrid tried again.

“Clothes last a long time,” he said. “Small things are easy, they last weeks.”

“Really?” Astrid’s voice lifted up. “So you can make us custom clothes?”

“Yeah, it’s easy.”

“Well? Just make sure you ask first,” Astrid said.

“Astrid.” Lydia tried to reel her back in. She was talking to the demon like he was an average guy. “This isn’t a hill to die on.” She didn’t recognize the phrasing of what she just said, until after she said it.

Beetlejuice started to laugh. “Actually, this is the perfect hill to die on. See?” He juiced the ceiling open and revealed the sky. Well, the room.

Lydia could see the old Winter River house. It hadn’t been bought yet. “That house belonged to my dad and Delia in the end. When this house sells, this model might get torn apart.”

“Then I find a new limbo,” he said.

“Everything is so giant,” Astrid said. She saw an easy walkway. “Can we go out?”

“Sure.”

“Astrid.” No, no.

Astrid walked up some and looked behind the top of the ceiling. “This is a tombstone with your name on it. We are in a tombstone.” She came back down. “It really is a grave.” She gestured around. “We need some deodorizer for this place.”

No, no, no. Astrid was getting too familiar with him. She still didn’t understand what he could do. “It’s fine. We’ll rest while you go and do what you have to. Please close the door of your tombstone.” He gave her a funny smirk right before he vanished. Finally. Now? “Astrid, why are you pushing a demon’s buttons? He kills people for fun, this isn’t the time to get upset about clothes or ask for a tour.”

“We are going to be here for some time,” Astrid reminded her. “We have to get to know him. The more he thinks of you as an actual person, maybe the less he’d treat you like a commodity.”

“Wishful thinking.” Lydia sighed.

“Mom?” She seemed to want to say something. “I asked him if he wanted to marry me instead to save us.”

“What?!” How could she be so stupid? “What were you thinking?!”

“That he wouldn’t say yes, and he didn’t,” Astrid said as she went toward the bed. “He’s only interested in you.”

Astrid. “Please don’t take unnecessary risks.”

“I think you should take more,” Astrid said instead. “The demon’s in love with you. Don’t let him throw his weight completely around.” She smoothed out the bedding. “The PJ’s are bones, and the bed sheets are skulls.”

Lydia looked at the headrest. They were skulls too. They were metal silver beds with skulls on the top. That’s so radical. She’d never say it out loud though.

“You know you love them,” Astrid said bluntly as she climbed in her bed. “Not where I thought I’d go to bed tonight. It’s better to feel safe though.”

Feel safe? How could she feel safe? She was resting in Beetlejuice’s grave. Lydia moved toward her bed, knowing that she should get some rest. “Just, don’t take as many chances, Astrid. He may seem fun or silly, but-”

“He kills people. I know,” Asterid said. “I know you don’t get it. I don’t either.”

No, she didn’t get it. “Astrid?” Her daughter wasn’t answering her anymore. She had already drifted to sleep. It was late. They went through a lot, but sleeping in basically the demon’s den.

It would be anything but peaceful.

—

“I know there’s more.” Beetlejuice was getting his men to gather any information on all of the bioexorcists, while he was trying to get the requests for marriage in. He looked at the door. His ex-wife Delores wasn’t coming through yet.

He knew Wolf would be ready. He knew there was a good chance the afterlife would deal with her  separate pieces since she was seeking immortality. He didn’t know for sure though, and he didn’t want to take chances.

He looked back at what he had. “It’s the afterlife, there’s a lot more than this.” He was going to have to find each of them and steal the contracts away, or kill them before they could go out and kill Lydia and Astrid.

While killing was pointless, the waiting room was on average a good year to five year wait. Sometimes it was so dead that it was super fast, and they’d be out in a few months. All they had to do was keep them away long enough for contracts to expire.

He was pretty buddy-buddy with a few. Traded missions with some of them. “Oooh. That’s a nice one.” One of his crew just handed him a sweet assignment. Double the usual amount, and just one human. He could probably get it done in fifteen minutes.

Time was a strange thing though. He better not risk it. “Okay. Call me if we find more.” For now, those two were fine. It was his ex-wife he was worried about. She was eaten by a sandworm, not chopped up and stored in separate boxes. When she made it through, he’d have days if the afterlife was too lazy to fix her in separate boxes. “Probably going to be moving limbo, so stay in touch.” He couldn’t risk anyone finding out where he went soon.

He returned to his grave. Both of them were actually sleeping. Crazy. His grave was comfy to him, but he was surprised they were sleeping so soundly. Astrid’s senses and suspicions were throwing tests on him.

Lydia didn’t sense anything differently. Yet. He might even be in her nightmares right now. “Ooh, good idea.” He should check. He moved closer to her.

“Why?” Why that dream again? She banged on the window. Everyone was dead in the delivery room except Astrid and Beetlejuice’s inner child. Astrid always looked happy about it. Why?

Then? She was outside? A lovely day. Astrid was over in the corner, with a picnic basket. What? She saw Beetlejuice’s inner child scamper through the grass and then leave the area.

Only for Beetlejuice to show up himself next to her in his stupid therapy outfit he wore last time. “Hey.”

She closed her eyes and looked away.

“Now, now. Didn’t we talk about closing thing’s off?”

“Don’t spill your guts to me,” she insisted. “Keep your inner child away from me.”

“Okay? How about this instead?”

Lydia looked down and saw herself in a red dress. It wasn’t a wedding dress though. “What’s this?”

“I don’t know. Um. Gift,” he said. “Sorry I scared you. You pissed me off a lot.”

Pissed him off? Wait. “Did you enter into my dreams?”

“Guilty,” he said. “It’s funny you don’t get that dream yet.”

“That my daughter births the same thing that I did from you?” What was she supposed to get from that?

“Nah. My inner child kills everything around it for a good time, except you two,” he pointed out as the environment became a ball room. “There’s another big hint in it, staring you right in the face.”

“Oh. Yeah. That’s better.” Really? “Your playing mind games with my mind. Please leave my sleep.”

“Make me,” he teased her.

She looked around herself. Astrid was gone. They were just in a huge empty ballroom. “What do you want now?”

“Wow.” He took a monocle and looked closer at her face. “Never saw someone so exhausted in their dreams. Life got you down? Death isn’t much better. How about a dance?”

A dance? “You just said how exhausted I had been, and you want to dance?” Oh, she couldn’t help it. “Betelgeuse, everything is bad enough, leave me alone!”

“Hey, hey, there’s some of the old Lydia I finally see bubbling forth again,” he said as he spun her around, and pulled her back. “You know, the one that actually talked to the dead guy in the model?”

“That Lydia didn’t know better.”

“Well, that Lydia was in the middle of trying to end her life too,” he pointed out.

“You didn’t help, saying you could find Barbara and Adam for me.” She got spun out again, and then spun back in.

“Nah, but I did manage to keep you from leaving the house to jump, oh, to ‘plummet’ off the bridge like them,” he reminded her.

How did he-? “You don’t get credit for that when it was just a coincidence of when you used me.”

“Who made that rule?” he said. “Not me. I hate rules.”

“Why are you bothering me in my dreams? It’s bad enough you get involved in my life, that you are yanking our will around with your power, you even dress us! Quit it!” Ugh.

“That’s why,” he said as he continued to dance with her perfectly. “That rebellious side I liked. Your mind is tired in your sleep. You can’t help but speak your mind, and your damning the consequences.”

Oh no. “I’m gonna regret what I do in my dreams?” She couldn’t think clearly right now. Then?

She woke up. She saw him right next to her bed.

“Yeah. Like telling me what to do, when I’m clearly right beside your bed?”

She moved away. She couldn’t even get away in her dreams.

Beetlejuice gestured to Astrid. “Out like a light.”

Yeah, she had been. “Just don’t mess with her. I know any contract you make isn’t going to work for our situation but?” She couldn’t believe this was happening. “I’ll marry you ahead of time, if you just help us in the living world and let us live our lives.” She couldn’t tell what he was thinking. He didn’t answer at first. “We could go right now to any church. Interrupt any wedding and take over?”

That self-righteous grin on his face. “Wow. You are really begging for a wedding now? Reality set in, huh? The fact your sleeping in comfy pj’s in my grave just dropped the weight of it all on you.”

No, no! Lydia tried to move from the bed, knowing a huge weight would fall with those words. Instead, just little feathers saying ‘it all’ drifted down on the bed.

“Yeah, it wouldn’t be hard in the living world.” He rubbed it in. “I could sense ghosts way faster, probably stop them before you knew they were there. You could have had your normal lives the whole time, I could have just been tagging along without you even knowing. Yep. Would have been nice.”

He lightly cackled. “Tomorrow? We get to have breakfast together. I’ll take you to my office in the call center and you get to hang around it boringly. We get to have lunch. Then we’ll head back to the office. Then we’ll get supper. Mexican might be great. Then we can relax with a fun game and go to bed. Then, after that? It’ll be all over again. Again and again and again until I eventually get this stopped or you two die from old age. One. Big. Happy. Family.”

Ngh! The marriage would be so much better than being stuck there. “Just marry me already. I won’t run, I promise.”

“Promises from you? I don’t know, they never work out,” he teased. “You don’t even have a ring for me. This isn’t a fancy setting at all.” He lifted his leg and showed off a bridal shoe. “Not so fun now that the shoe’s on the other foot?”

“Stop joking around. You want freedom, and I am literally giving it to you first,” she pointed out. “It can’t be a con this time. The marriage is first.”

“Well?” He wiggled his hand. “I would, but it turns out that your a habitual liar and I like Astrid’s idea better. Plus, you know, you and me straight to marriage, didn’t work out twice. I know I’m insane, but let’s not beat the definition down that much.”

“Marriage would let you be free in the living world, to escape your ex-wife. It keeps you around to deal with anyone coming after us, without a curse on you.” This should be fairly easy for him. It’s what he always wanted, why wasn’t he taking it? “What was Astrid’s idea?” She just caught on to what he said.

“Can’t tell you. It’s a secret between us,” he said.

A secret? “She isn’t going to-” She watched something fly across the room and shatter.

“Broken record,” he said. “If I do shoot for marriage.” He pulled a gun and aimed it at her. He pulled it and it popped out a flag that said bang. “It’ll be for you. Not interested in anyone else.”

Why? “Why does it have to be me?”

“Also a secret,” he said again. “Relax.”

“It’s hard to relax around you of all people.”

“Gonna have to learn.” He juiced on his own PJ’s, and went over to the last bed. He jumped in the air and fell back on it. “It’s gonna take more than a couple nights to figure these problems out, Toots.”

Her nightmare. Sleeping in the next bed over.

///Nah. My inner child kills everything around it for a good time, except you two.///

The fear of what he could do was starting to ease up, and Lydia didn’t know if that was good or bad. He was a demon, a demon that killed for a job. A demon that made deals. A demon that tried to marry her twice.

But, he also . . . saved them in the car. Saved her when she was dragged out of the house. Revealed the truth what a bastard Rory had been. He made some kind of deal that didn’t involve her marrying him, nor did it involve Astrid marrying him either. I don’t know how to feel about this. She was depending on him for survival now. Even sleeping in his grave with Astrid.

Trusting one demon, to keep them safe from others. It wasn’t the first time she had to put her trust in him though. She made him help save the Maitlands, and she made him help save her daughter. Both times, she shortchanged him, and didn’t give him what he wanted. Totally reasonable at fifteen, she wasn’t even an adult.

But, at her age now? The second time around? I fully understood what I was agreeing too. I knew the second I ran to that house. I let that loophole Astrid found let me out. I should have just shot myself in the foot the second time and did it. She had no idea this would happen.

Now, they were in serious trouble, and instead of at least staying in the living world, they were going to be dragged around like luggage because he wouldn’t marry her. By definition.

Luggage.

Beetlejuice’s Luggage.

Chapter Text

Beetlejuice's Grave

Lydia was up first, staying near her daughter’s bed. Astrid was still sleeping soundly. After yesterday, she must have been worn out. She had no idea what time it had been, but she had heard a sound that woke her up.

Sleep wasn’t something Lydia was going to get more than the basic amount of, she was too unaware of what would happen.

“Morning, Lydia.”

She jumped. He didn’t touch her, but he’d appeared just right beside her. “Morning.”

“Breakfast, Lydia?” Second time he used her name.

She did tell him that she wanted him to use her name, so she couldn’t blame that on anything. “I don’t know.”

“Too bad, breakfast. Being late for work has really bad ramifications when it’s a punishment,” he said. “What do you want? Juice?”

She shouldn’t be picky, but she should make sure it was edible. “You can make orange juice.”

“Sure can. Sweet of you to remember that.” He juiced up a pitcher and poured some into a glass.

She took the glass when it was full. “Thanks.” She looked back toward Astrid.

“She sleeps like the dead,” Beetlejuice said. “Makes sense, she’s in a grave. How’d you sleep?”

“Rougher.” He entered into her dreams last night. Her one place where she could escape, was not escapable. In fact? When she had gone back to sleep, in her dreams. She wore the red dancing dress he gave her in it. “That dress won’t disappear.”

“Course not, it’s a gift,” he said.

“In my dreams,” she reminded him.

“Yeah.”

“Is there anyway you could just stay out of my dreams?” She did it as kindly as she could. Anyone entering into her dreams, let alone him, didn’t leave her feeling well rested. She felt trapped.

“I will, once you figure out that nightmare you keep having,” he said. “Hey? At least you have a pretty dress for the nightmare.”

Her repeating nightmare. “Your inner child wants to kill everything, but Astrid and I.”

“Right, yeah, but there’s more to it than that. Why?” he asked. “Why do you think that is?”

Because he was a possessive scrungy demon that for some reason loved playing with them. “I don’t know, why?”

“Yeah you do.” He leaned in closer and stared straight at her a few seconds before saying, “I’m nothing but a demon that wants to play with my prey. Pretty close?”

Way too close.

She watched him move back some. “I’m not what you think I am. I mean? Well, yeah I am. But, there are some good qualities in me. Somewhere. I think? Maybe, I don’t know, it’s been awhile. Good juice?”

She looked at the juice. She hadn't drunk it yet. She never actually ate or drank anything that was whipped up by him before.

“Don't worry,” he smirked, almost seductively. “It’s not gonna kill you. I would never get paid.”

Paid. Right. “We should address that.”

“Later, gotta go to work. Wake our daughter up- your!” He said. “Your daughter. Sorry, what can I say? I was looking forward to being a real family man when we were supposed to get married.”

Oh, that was creepy. Could he ever not be creepy? Still, if she did marry him. “Well, it's not too late?”

“Nah.” He turned her down and didn't add anything to it.

Lydia touched her daughter’s forehead. “Astrid.”

Astrid opened her eyes. “Hey.” She stood up.

As soon as she stood up, they were both juiced into some kind of office wear.

Astrid went toward him. “You are supposed to ask first.”

“You are supposed to remember who you are talking to,” Beetlejuice said right back to her. “Power compare. Who’s stronger?”

Astrid didn’t say anything.

“Yep, there’s the answer.” He gave her some juice. “Breakfast.”

Astrid took it. “Yeah, but I don’t back down on bullies.”

“I know.” He actually sounded happy. “Powerwise, I’m way stronger, Astrid. So what do you have over me?”

Lydia watched Astrid glance toward her. What did she do that for?

“Right, yes. Leverage,” Beetlejuice answered to her, juicing her back into her clothes from yesterday. “Power isn’t everything.” He went ahead and juiced himself into office wear. “Okay, let’s go before the Wolf comes after me.”

Afterlife Call Center

Okay. To say he didn’t feel a lot of his energy come back yesterday would be an understatement. Ever since he’d been trapped with the botched ceremony results? It bugged him. A lot.

He dealt with it. He dealt with her marriage. He dealt with never seeing Astrid. Hell, he was dead, they didn’t hang out with the living. But when the dead kept seeing the living?

Yeah. It was a pain. Nobody felt sorry for him either when he complained. They thought he should be ‘grateful’. Eternity decided he would feel other people’s emotions to become a better person and get on the soul train.

He didn’t see it that way. Most of the time it was just a form of torture. At least when everyone else died, they weren’t tied to the living again.

Now though? Lydia and Astrid. They were actually, finally, there. Though he’d wandered through eternity for centuries, the last thirty years or so, it felt like it was three centuries in itself.

The two people that if they were to look at the records of the Neitherworld, would be shocked to see their labels. As long as Wolf Jackson kept quiet until he had everything in place, the better.

Still. He finally got to have one, small, teaching lesson with Astrid. Lydia didn’t blow a fuse either. She was probably still wondering how the hell to get his help and then leave him behind. Heh. Making her think he had absolutely no interest in marriage had to be some of his best work.

The one that kept fighting him on the marriage, was now the one begging for it. She thought she’d be strapped in as luggage probably forever. Well, they didn’t have that long.

He had his luggage sitting over in a corner. Astrid was on her phone. Since there weren’t living connections to Earth, she was probably playing one of those mobile games.

Lydia just waited in the corner, looking around, not knowing what to do.

Which was fine, let her be bored. She could be bored less than fifteen feet away from him. Because that’s where they’d be now. Right next to him.

He watched as one of the shrunken heads handed him a phone. Usually, they wittled out the non-important people that just needed basic stuff. “Important?” He shook his head. “Gotta shit?” He nodded. “Off ya go.”

Beetlejuice answered the phone, hearing the yapping from there. New ghosts were always a pain in the ass. Let’s see which drawer this asshole goes in. He walked toward the filing cabinet. “Uh huh. Uh huh. Did you try scaring them? Yeah? Couldn’t see you, huh? Alright. Go work on your scares, and uh, try again in three years.”

Yeah, no, that didn’t go over well. “Uh huh. Yeah, last time I checked I had a pair of ears. Just like a pair of legs I could-” Use to kick their ass. Man, this job sucked. The only good thing about it was that sometimes, rarely, he’d find a client for himself.

Not often though. “Uh huh. Name again?” He got the name and thumbed through the unprocessed files, grabbing the name.

He looked at his basic drawer labels. Dicks that can’t Scare. Dicks That Can’t Listen. Dicks that Didn't Read the Handbook. Oh, he found it.

Fuck That Guy drawer. “Yeah, I got it. I got your name down, Ma’am. Someone’s gonna come see you in your house in one to six months. If you don’t get anybody in six months, there’s a number to call in the handbook on page 293, paragraph 8. Call that number. Tell them your file is 164-AD-129-FY. Don’t mess your number up, you’ll spend years trying to find your file, bye.” He hung up before they could ask him to repeat the file code.

It was easy to file these. He went to the side of the filing cabinet to the shredder. He shredded the file, then put the shredded file pieces into the stack of other shredded file pieces in the drawer.

He looked at the bottom of the shredder. “Missed a piece.” He grabbed it and also put that piece in the Fuck That Guy drawer.

His job wouldn’t let him get rid of a single file. It never said he couldn’t shred that shit and mix it up with other shredded pieces of others just like them. Loopholes. It was a specialty.

“Why is the word luggage stamped on their heads?”

Beetlejuice turned and saw Wolf. “I got them here safely, that’s all that matters.” He brought out measuring tape and measured. “It’s less than fifteen feet away.” He put the measuring tape away.

“What are you doing?” Wolf asked.

“Just filing another customer’s complaint,” he said as he walked past him. He watched his employee head back as he made his own call. Wolf probably wouldn’t mind if he worked on their issue right now, as long as he was doing real work between. “Hey! Yeah, you remember me. Who forgets me?”

He sat down. “So, do you have any contracts for Lydia and Astrid Deetz? I’ve been in a collecting mood. Uh huh.” Yep. “Forty two, huh? What a haul. Wow. So, can I have those?” The direct way was usually best. “I can buy them. What’s the asking price?” He thonked a pencil up and down. That’s a lot. He didn’t have that. He wouldn’t have that until he got the deal.

He looked toward Lydia. She cheapened out on two deals. If she left him without paying somehow? She’s stuck. For good. She can't leave me again. Still. “I might buy those off you, just hang onto them.” What? “No way, I’m good for it. I got the money.” She better pay up this time.

Wolf came right in front of him as he took a customer’s call. “Afterlife Center, we are here to help.” He moved away. “Oh yeah?” He pulled out some paper and started to put the ideas for the contract he needed to make. “Yeah. No, I’m writing the whole situation down.” He would be able to juice the contract up, but he needed to make sure he got everything in it, even the small agreements and compromises.

Ugh. Astrid was going to regret wanting him to take a bath. She must have thought he’d never done that before. Well, she’d learn. The toothbrush thing, he couldn’t forget that. The no touching relationship marriage tie. Either gonna make enough money to live in luxury out of the grave, or marry Lydia.

He knew which one he wanted more. He always knew which one he wanted more.

“Do you have something else to eat?” Astrid had wandered over. “Orange juice won’t work for too long.”

“Are you taking good care of them?” Wolf accused him.

“Totally.” Of course. Let’s see, what did regular humans eat? Eating wasn’t his specialty, he was fine with what he ate. He’d have to juice up something he knew, he couldn’t juice up something he didn’t know.

He knew a lot of stuff. He didn't know shit when he first died, had to learn just about everything.

If he wasn't using his juice, then he was learning what was going on in the world. The time he was born in, was boring as hell. It was a shitty time to be alive. “What do you want?”

“Maybe some cereal? It would be easy to eat.”

Super easy. He juiced up a bowl, spoon, milk and a cereal box.

She took the free-floating things and made cereal. “Thanks. I will make some for Mom too.”

He juiced up a second bowl and spoon and looked at Wolf. “See?”

Wolf didn't seem impressed. “It's basic but no father of the year.”

Beetlejuice looked toward Astrid. None the wiser by what Wolf just spewed out she took the bowls and walked away. Man. “Isn’t your job to keep me out of trouble?” He knew Wolf wanted to question him, but he couldn’t right now.

He was still working on the phone. “No, Sir, I had to handle an emergency, sorry. Yeah, with cereal. Why would I be lying? I’m not your wife. Yes, the situation, still got all the details here.” That seemed to cover most of it, but he did want to see how far he really was from his goal first.

He took an official piece of paper, wrote down the actual client’s name, and then jotted down ‘Fight between ghosts. Shit happened. House is falling apart. Recommendation: Separation.’ He didn’t need any of the explanation about how they felt about each other, how they died, who killed each other, or what they’d been through. Just the facts sufficed. “Uh huh. Someone will be down there soon to check it out.” He hung up and got up, putting the filings where they actually belonged this time.

Afterwards, he went over to the file drawer Dicks that Didn't Read the Handbook. He moved backward in it and grabbed a file at random. He dialed up the number. “Good Morning, Sir, this is the Afterlife Call Center-”

On and on the client droned about waiting three years for help and getting nothing.

“Uh huh, and did you read the handbook like you were asked to?”

A little was the answer.

“Got it. I’m gonna have to put you on hold for a minute.” He hung up and picked another file in the drawer.

“Richard?”

He was distracted when Lydia called her ex husband’s name. She got so bored, she fell asleep? Nah, that didn’t make sense. She was getting drowsy though. Sometimes newcomers had a hard time staying awake, like jetlag.

That sensation of almost being asleep and almost being awake, was leaving her open to feeling the connections in the Neitherworld for the first time. Would she figure it out now?

Lydia rubbed her eye slightly and looked around.

Meanwhile, Astrid was staring at him. She still wanted to know too. She still had her bowl of cereal, but the other was next to her, uneaten. Lydia wasn’t eating his food yet. Not like he poisoned it.

Eh, later. He really had to work. He had to get things figured out. Now wasn’t the time for some emotional crap to get in the way. Spewing out the truth would have to wait. He dialed the next number.

Chapter Text

Richard? Lydia looked all around the office. Shrunkenheads, an officer, and Beetlejuice working on the phone. He gave her an odd sort of look, but didn’t say much else.

It felt like Richard was around though. Not just him. Not in their later years when she fell out of love with him for no reason. In their early years. Her heart felt warm. Loved. He’s somewhere around here. The person she used to love.

What would he be doing there though?

“I know,” Astrid said to her. “I felt it too last night. You feel dad, right?”

Lydia didn’t know what to say. “I feel something.” It was like, when she was smaller. “You feel it too?”

“Beetlejuice,” the officer called back to him. He was probably messing around or something.

“Right, yeah, yeah, I’m going!” He sounded mad. Nothing new.

Lydia was much more concentrated on that feeling. Richard and her in the beginning, had such a strong connection to each other. When she was younger and left her family, she had missed them. If she saw them again there, that would be nice.

But, Richard? It was a pull between them that couldn’t be defined. Lydia had experienced several things dealing with the supernatural, but there was never anything close to that connection. It was so strong, she thought it could never break.

Then just one day, poof. It didn’t make any sense. She tried to rekindle it, but she couldn’t find it again. That led her deeper into the supernatural, trying to refind that lost connection. From there, the makings of the show began.

And her love for him withered. They stayed together, but it was only for Astrid. Richard felt like a totally other man at that point.

But now, that feeling! That lost feeling. Even Astrid had felt it? Why was it there of all places? Was it hiding inside him, and died with him?

No. She saw him in the Neitherworld not too long ago. That swoon, that sensation didn’t exist. So why now?

“It has all the properties of cereal, so eat it before it gets soggy!”

Beetlejuice sounded mad about her not eating the cereal that Astrid brought over yet. She hadn’t drunk up the orange juice he made that morning too.

There was something very uncomfortable about eating something conjured. Using magic. Wearing magic. It was one thing.

Eating juice?

“It’s not going to kill you to eat,” Astrid told her. “You have to. He can’t go back and forth without us calling for him all the time. It’s pretty good too. It tastes better than the real thing. Like, less dry.”

Lydia took her bowl. She would have to. Grin and bear it. It was fine, flavorwise. Still, it was magic. His magic. His magic that she was putting inside of herself. His magic, in her. That couldn’t be more unwanted.

Maybe there was something they could do now, being in the Neitherworld? Maybe others with magic that were gone could help sort things out for a few months? Richard didn’t want to bother them living, but if it helped them-

Beetlejuice was having another fit on the phone, going off on someone else. He was in a bad mood. The officer called him out for it, and he yelled out to him as well.

He shouldn’t be complaining. He’s getting everything he ever wanted. Lots and lots of money. Almost 300,000 dollars for them to follow around him like his luggage.

She watched Astrid walk back over to Beetlejuice.

“I need to use the bathroom,” she insisted. “One of your guys did that earlier. Where was that?”

“Can’t be farther than fifteen feet,” he insisted. “Officer Wolf, um?” He glanced toward Lydia. “Can you watch some of my baggage for me? It’s pretty heavy baggage, but you’re an officer of the law.”

The officer didn’t look real happy to do that.

“Actually, I want to ask the officer some questions about the Neitherworld and his acting,” Astrid said. “I feel safe with him, so I wanted him to take me to the bathroom.”

That perked him up. “Well, I’m a lot safer than Beetlejuice.”

Astrid? What was she playing at? Lydia knew she had some kind of plan for wanting the officer to leave with her. Whether good or bad, she wouldn’t interrupt. Maybe it would leave them safe again and away from there?

Astrid was hearing all about his background before they even got close to the bathroom. He really did miss his life as a B movie action star, and that was going to get her closer to the truth. “It sounds like death was hard. No action star roles in the afterlife?”

“No, I got detective,” Wolf said to her. “I play a mean detective too. There are action star roles, but I didn’t get it for some reason. They thought detective fit me better.”

“Your profile must be extensive though, with all your roles.” She almost had it. “Can I see everything you were in, in your lifetime?”

Oh, he dug into his phone and showed her right away. He started going into his small roles and his major roles, and continued to talk.

Meanwhile, Astrid nodded. She already picked up something important in the afterlife. “That’s neat, tell me more about your first roles.” Meanwhile, with him having the profiles part open, and now not even paying attention to the phone, she typed in her name.

And found it. And. This doesn’t make any sense. Daughter? He’s not my dad. She typed in her mom’s name. “That’s cool, tell me more.” She waited for the page to pop up. Error-wife. What’s an error-wife? Is that why I’m daughter? The botched wedding her mom told her about, it wasn’t so cut and dry after all. She went and typed back in Wolf Jackson’s profile so he didn’t catch her. “That’s great, sorry, we can talk later, I have to use the bathroom.”

After Astrid used the bathroom, she followed Wolf Jackson back still talking about his roles.

When she reached the office again, she noticed Beetlejuice was just sitting there, staring at her.

“Informative bathroom break?” he called her out. He already knew she had found a way to look probably.

She narrowed her eyes at him. How? “None of it makes sense.”

“Sure it does,” he said acting more lively. “No two ghosts are the same, some are closer to the living than not, so some eat and shit like the living, while others just hobble around like clouds without thought and everything in between.”

“That isn’t what I’m talking about and you know it.”

“Oh.” He gestured around him. “Why does everyone here have shrunken heads and I don’t? Well, I didn’t feel like waiting for a long time in the waiting room, kind of borrowed a guy’s number, and he wasn’t crazy about it for some reason. Shrunk my head. So a mix up in processing put me in the shrunken head division of the Afterlife Call Center. Yeah, I tried to flirt with the secretary with it, and the shrunkenhead just wasn’t doing it for her, so you know.”

“That wasn’t it either.” Geez, he was making it worse.

“Well if it wasn’t either of those two things, I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.” He just grabbed his work phone and started to work again.

“Well, this was fun, I always enjoy meeting new fans,” Officer Wolf said to Astrid, “but I have other places to be. I’ll be around, don’t you worry. I’ve always gotta check up on Beetlejuice. It doesn’t take long for him to get into trouble.”

It didn’t matter. She couldn’t talk about this yet, he wouldn’t answer until her mom was gone. She wouldn’t leave more than fifteen feet though. She just waited back beside her mom. She was enjoying the last of her phone since the battery would go out. She couldn’t even do much, afterlife didn’t have internet. Or, at least not the internet that she had used.

Chapter Text

Beetlejuice had to wait for Wolf to shove off again before he could do this. All bets were off, he had no idea how this would turn out.

While things had been ho hum at first, he had caught signs something was wrong. His employees. The shrunken heads weren’t answering the phone half as much. Even though they couldn’t speak, it was still their job to answer phones and listen.

Two of them were handing something around the office that he couldn’t see too. It left his mind for a little while, while he’d been on the phone. He’d been going through a personal rough patch, so he didn’t catch it right away. But.

Most people in the Neitherworld were selfish assholes. There was no ‘better for the community’ frame of mind. People were stuck in houses, they didn’t want to be nice. They got sent to do civil work, why would they want to be nice? They didn’t get paid for that work, it was pennance or a role they had no choice to play until they hit the soul train. Screw it up, bad consequences.

So, the fact these guys were suddenly not doing their jobs half as well, meant they had something else going on. When Astrid and Wolf were out of the room, he knew whatever was going on would move up faster. No law enforcement in the room meant more things could happen.

Which it did. He didn’t know whether to be proud or disgusted by them. They were handing him more contracts as they walked by, in stacks.

They thought he wasn’t there to protect Lydia and Astrid. They thought he was lying to them, so they could get the big chunks of pie. On the surface, it did look like that. He was even fishing around for extra contracts. Hell, any other day he would do that to anyone.

He had about 200 contracts on his desk now. He looked through them. The price differential was heavy, but it looked like the shrunkenheads had been choice picking some good ones. If I didn’t fucking care.

There was about a million dollars right there in his hands worth of contracts. He placed them to the side, and acted normal while also looking around. Only certain employees were doing that. Others were answering phones like normal. Acting like normal. While others, seemed to be running some other game. They were checking their watches, and some of them glanced at the door.

Fuck me. Three of his guys were acting normal. Three of the guys were looking toward the door. Six of the guys had dropped off contracts. Most of them expected him to kill them off, while three of them was clearly waiting for someone else to come to do it.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

There was no choice. He waited until Wolf said he was leaving.

If he did nothing, he’d just end up in the waiting room again. Get sent back to the Afterlife Call Center. But? 

Lydia and Astrid would die. Neither of them wanted to die, plus his chance to get out would be forever gone. Astrid was pretty young to die too. Young and old died around him alive. He was numb to it after awhile, even robbed them when they were dead. Those two though. Maybe . . . Ooh! Oh yeah, he knew what to do. I love it when I do that!

He took the contracts and put them away. At least 200 were off the market now. He got up and headed to the shrunkenheads that were fine. Fifteen foot rule wouldn’t matter soon. “Hey Steve, you Mark and Gracie go ahead and head home. Early day off. Yeah, you go enjoy yourselves. Scootch. Fast.” Step one, get his employees that weren’t doing anything taken care of.

They each gathered their stuff pretty quickly and headed out. Lydia was just staring ahead, probably contemplating her life’s decisions or some shit like that while Astrid was playing a game.

How fun. They would both be playing a game. He went back toward them. “Okay, you two.” He smiled, trying to look as friendly as possible. He probably shouldn’t, a lot of people said it looked unfriendly but whatever. He was trying. “Close your eyes and count to twenty. I’ve got a surprise for you.”

Neither of them did and just looked at him.

“Oh come on,” he urged them. “It’s not like I’m gonna kill ya here. Just close your eyes already.”

Astrid closed her eyes first. After a few seconds, Lydia closed her eyes.

“Good. Keep them closed. Count to 20.” When someone could only mumble their intentions, hands became so important. So, he’d make sure they pay for this.

Lydia instinctively grabbed Astrid once she heard the swishes of something sharp. Probably an axe. It was fast, and the sound of gushing was mixed with it. It sounded like someone cutting up tons of watermelons at once. She heard Beetlejuice’s voice, cackling wickedly. That same familiar sound she knew so well.

She knew Beetlejuice wasn’t going to tear them apart, but he was doing it to his employees.

“You forgot to count.”

Lydia opened her eyes first. On the ground, there were nothing but hands. No one else was in the room.

“Didn’t even make it to lunch staying legal,” Beetlejuice said. “We are leaving a different way, folks. Grab my hands.” He held out his hands.

Lydia looked at his hand, then Astrid. Astrid’s eyes were wide, seeing the devastation too. They had already seen a lot of disturbing things in the Neitherworld, but? Knowing a demon who just chopped off a bunch of hands to owners who disappeared, now wanted to hold their hand?

“Okay, look!” He yelled at them. “Two options. We stay, we get caught, you two die soon and make someone filthy rich. Or we get the hell out!”

Yeah, he was serious. Lydia grabbed his hand at the same time as Astrid.

“Good. Now say it, Lydia.”

Lydia said his name three times.

Las Vegas . . .

Oh? That isn’t what Lydia expected. They were all just sent around a craps table. Why were they here?

“I’ll be back, gotta have a talk with Astrid.”

“What?!” Lydia looked around. Gone. She called his name three times.

“Yeah, I knew you’d do that,” he complained when he returned with Astrid. “Luckily no one’s paying attention to each other.”

“We need to talk,” Astrid insisted. “Things are going wonky.”

“Then I should be part of the talk.” Why were they leaving her out of it?

“I’ll be back,” Astrid promised. “I have to. Things need answers.”

She watched them leave again as she stayed out on the casino floor.

Beetlejuice took them to another side of the casino.

“So? Not a week. Not a day. Didn’t even make lunch,” Beetlejuice said to her. “Gimmick’s done, Astrid. I can’t keep you there. Hell, I just knocked myself out of there with what I did.”

Yeah, she knew that. “What happened?”

“Oh, just, over half my staff thought we were supposed to kill you and get the contracts ourselves, while some were double crossing me and having someone else come,” he said.

Damn. No more luggage.

“I need a quick marriage, now. We don’t have much time, the law will find me.”

“Quick marriages are against the law,” she pointed out. “You’ll still be in trouble.”

“Nuh uh uh,” he told her in a sing songy way. “It’s against the rules to have a quick marriage. It’s not against the rules to have been in a quick marriage.”

Oh, another loophole. “The marriage is a retainer.”

“Yeah, I knew you were gonna say that, so I already got the solution.” He put his hands out, like the idea was brilliant. “I’ll marry Lydia and stay married until it’s over. Then if she can keep paying the bill, I walk away. Just like before.”

No way. “You end the marriage first, and then walk away,” Astrid demanded. If I can’t save mom from the marriage, I can at least save her from him. “You also don’t get any relationship with the marriage. That’s after. Permissions are still in effect.”

Beetlejuice groaned. “I get a wife. But I can’t-”

“No. No touching without permission,” Astrid said firmly. “Even with her being your wife. Marriage is still just the retainer.”

“Eternity marriage is the payment then, if she can’t pay,” he said fiercely. “That means she stays married to me, no matter what. Nothing changes. She dies, she’s still married.”

“Fine.” No choice.

“Oh really? It also means, she is going to board the same train as me,” he added.

What?

“Yeah. When we eventually shove off, we shove off together too,” he said. “Only I can stop it. If I want to.”

Astrid rubbed her chin vigorously. “You could be sent somewhere bad, and mom would go with you?”

“Could? Heh. Sure, could.”

Then no. “You would send mom to hell.”

“Probably not,” he answered. “See? When it’s an eternity marriage, you know, a real marriage made in death and not some short-term life marriage?” He clapped his hands together and rubbed them. “Both parties actions will be accounted for. No matter how awful I am, Lydia’s practically an angel. We’d go anywhere but hell now!”

Ooh. He was so giddy. Too giddy! “Is that why you tried to marry her in the first place?” He better be careful how he answered that.

“Hey, I didn’t plan on that.” He spread his hands out, trying to act innocent. “I just saw the goodies right this minute.”

“You just spotted my mom as a good way out from paying for your crimes.” Ugh. “How did a botched marriage make me your daughter?”

“Oh. Yeah, that,” he said. “Marriage in life verses death is different, you know? It’s all words. Words have power. That’s why the handbook isn’t supposed to be read by living people, they can end a spirit for good with just words.”

Oh the marriage ceremony words were all it took.

“Yeah, we were just missing wife,” he admitted. “One word. Wife.”

“That’s not what I meant,” she clarified. “How did you know we were tied?”

“I just see you in your lowest lows and highest highs in the Neitherworld. You’ve been haunting me since you were born,” he insisted. “That’s why I know you so well. It’s more than just on a profile. I am your dad.”

“Bull.” No way. “Prove it.”

He held his fingers up in an okay. “Your third grade recital where you were the star and your mom didn’t come? Yeah, took her a good extra 30 minutes to get there even after the play?” He beat his chest once with his hand. “I’ve been there with her before. Twice.”

That? “A lot of kids have recitals in the third grade.”

“You were dressed like the sun,” he said. “The top thing in the solar system. Halloween wasn’t anywhere near there.”

Whoah. “What else do you know?”

“You did something wrong and didn’t get caught before you were in kidnergarten,” he answered. “No idea what it had been, but you walked on legos in your room for no reason and cried. Yeah, I knew at that point I had to interfere and start corrupting you so you didn’t grow up to be a nun or something. Had to start small, so I told you to get rid of whatever was driving the guilt.”

Astrid barely remembered that, but she did remember the scattered legos. She had stolen a sticker from somewhere. No one had found out and it ate her up inside. Eventually, she just decided to drop it over around where it had been before. “You told me?”

“Well, we can’t hear or see each other between the worlds, but we can feel each other,” he answered. “Sometimes, we can pick up what the other is wanting.”

“She was supposed to be at the recital. She promised,” Astrid said. “The whole play I wanted to feel miserable, but I could feel that my dad was there somehow. He never said he would even show up.” That was him.

That was this crusty dead guy that just got giddy that marrying her mom for an eternity would get him out of hell. The guy charging them exorbitant amounts of money to keep them safe. “You stayed for the whole performance.”

“Well? You made a cute sun,” he admitted, “and I’d been on the receiving end of people promising things and not paying up. So.”

Wait. “My friends thirteenth birthday party?”

“Total bitch. Loved the way you dumped her perfume and replaced it with water.” He grinned, a little bit of a beetle sticking out of his teeth.

Oh! Where else did her dad show up, but didn’t show up? “At the theatre that one time.”

“I would have done more than a slap.”

All of those times. “I always swore that dad showed up. I’d always ask him afterward and he’d say that he was busy for those times. I thought he was hiding his visits for some reason. Especially when I was . . . not being good. I never got it.” Until now.

“Yep, and as touching as this all is, we’ve gotta decide on this.” Beetlejuice pointed to an array of watches on his arm. “No matter where it is in the world, we are running out of time. So. I marry your mom. Everything stays the same in the contract. If she can afford the bill, I let her go at the end, with no eternity marriage. If she can’t, she stays married, and when she dies, she’s mine. Forever.” He extended his hand. “Deal?”

Astrid touched the side of her neck. They needed to move. The law enforcement didn’t take long to find him last time. Staying still too long spelled disaster. She shook his hand.

“One kiss,” he said. “We are getting married, we need to seal the deal.”

“On the cheek.”

“But marriage, come on! I’ll drop the 22,500 you just got from the shrunkenheads,” he pointed out.

22,000 wasn’t as much, but every penny could count soon. Plus? It was . . . unsanitary. “Brush your teeth until you can’t see anything in them, with mouth wash, then give mom this deal, not me.”

“Geez, you cut a hard bargain.”

They shook on it.

Chapter Text

Wedding Venue

Lydia went from being around slot machines in a casino, to a wedding area. Oh no. It looked like they were abducting someone’s wedding spot. She could see a couple in the back, terrified. “Sorry,” she apologized to them. “He does this.” Damn him.

Lydia looked at her dress. His obsession with red for her was weird.

Astrid came over by her, dressed in a burgundy dress, and not acting surprised. “You look surprisingly nice in red, Mom.”

Complimenting the dress this time? She’s part of this deal. “Thanks, I guess. Your deal?”

“Part of mine too,” Astrid admitted. “It needs done.”

She was right, it did need done. She’d even asked him to do it instead of dragging them as luggage everywhere. That ass just laughed and teased me about it. He was a conniving little two-faced demon the whole time.

Astrid looked toward Beetlejuice who arrived in his usual tuxedo for the marriages. “Now what?”

“Before we get married, full detailed disclosure.” Beetlejuice handed her a document, several pages long like a book.

Lydia looked at it. “From this day foreword, the client-” Oh, it was legal speak. She wouldn’t understand it. This was different than the contract they had last time too.

“I can explain,” Astrid told her. “He has different services for what he does.” She put up her whole hand and ticked them off. “If he sends anyone back to the waiting room, he’s an escorter, and it’s 2500. If he makes them just go away but doesn’t send them to the waiting room, he’s a bouncer and that’s a thousand. If he brings anyone back to you that’s taken, he’s a roper, and it’s 500. If he has to break laws to do that, then he’s an advanced roper and it’s 10,500. If you want him to stop some kind of exorcism that’s in progress, it’s 250,000.”

“Then of course, the oldest service of them all is bioexorcism. 5000 dollars if I have to kill someone that’s living. Non-negotiable,” he said as he whipped out a pen.

“It’s not a Neitherworld contract,” Astrid told her as a table appeared before them. 

“Okay, there.” Beetlejuice gestured where Astrid needed to sign. He looked toward Lydia. “There.”

It’s like he had to smile that much more freakily at her. Lydia signed the page.

He flipped it over several pages. “Conversion rate, Neitherworld has it’s own money chain, I’ll handle conversion and take the cash. No checks, no money orders, no digital cards. Sign.”

Astrid and her signed again, although Lydia would have to keep that in mind. “I can’t get you a card to keep it all on?”

“Neitherworld is slow moving, cash is better,” he said as he moved several more pages and placed it down again. “Terms of eternity marriage if you can’t pay anymore.”

“Eternity marriage?” Why did he add that word to it?

“Beetlejuice is going to marry you today, for his freedom,” Astrid told her. “If you can’t pay the bills though, then he gets to stay married to you. Forever.”

The marriage wasn’t forever? “So if I can afford to pay, I can leave this marriage?” Ooh.

“An eternity marriage is going to bind you to him, even in death,” Astrid warned her. “Your destination on the soul train will be influenced by him.”

Wait. Was she going to go to hell one day?

“You can’t go to hell, they will split the decision between you,” Astrid told her.

Into death. Lydia looked back at the contract. “You can take a card to an ATM whenever you want to get the cash.” Wait. He wasn’t exactly . . . presentable to the average public.

“Cash only. If you can’t get it out of your fancy bank, I don’t get paid at the end of the day, and you stay the Mrs.” He sounded so happy about that.

Of course he was, her death would keep him out of his destination.

“Then we can’t get married until later, and I can’t sign this yet. I can’t just yank out that much all at once, I need to go to my bank.”

He grabbed that particular paper, an oversized pen, started messing with it, and put it back down. “Fine, not daily. Weekly.”

Shoot. “I have a week to pay.”

“Yep, accounting each week. Sign.”

Okay. I have to do this for us. All because of my show. It was hard to believe she really needed to trust in Beetlejuice just because of her show. She signed.

He flipped through the pages again and lied it back down. “Easy to understand, sign.”

Lydia tried to read it.

“Yes. You can thank me for that later,” Astrid said to her. “He has to take a shower once a week, and deal with his hair. He has to brush his teeth every day. He also can’t touch you without permission unless he gets the full marriage. Not unless it’s an emergency and he has to.” She pointed to the limitations.

Oh. That’s why he kept asking for a hug. It’s smart. Maybe. Especially the shower. The teeth too. How did she manage to get him to brush his teeth everyday?

The contract and the table disappeared.

The priest who tried to run away was brought back to his place again. “Come on, Fella, your nightmares over after you do this.” He looked at her with a small whine. “Come on, we are getting married? Let me hold your hand?”

He was still following the rules. Just a hand. He’s already taking it in marriage. “Fine.”

He snapped up her hand like it was the best reward ever. “Marriage hug?”

“No, but please, let’s get this started,” she insisted.

“Yep, you bet, you bet. Okay.” He gestured to where the priest should be. “Go. Oh.” He realigned the priest who had moved again in front of them. “Okay, ready.” He looked at her hand. “Arm in arm?”

Arm in arm. “Fine.” He took her arm and linked it with hers.

The priest opened their mouth but they were just too scared.

“Can’t deal with this all day.” He went ahead and turned one of the doors into an entry.

A familiar looking person came through it and took the place of the priest who ran off.

“Is that the first reverand?” Lydia asked. He never bothered with summoning anyone the second time. Oh, and the other couple they stole the wedding of fleed out the door. “Sorry,” she said again. She didn’t mean to ruin their wedding, but it was necessary. Unfortunately.

She listened to the reverand, her thoughts going back to the first marriage again. No one would be there to stop it. No one was going to come up with some miracle plan. Even Astrid made it clear, they needed Beetlejuice to fix this.

He kept looking around himself while the reverend talked, like he was suspecting someone to start calling his name out again.

It was a familiar stuck feeling. Definitely found herself remembering that day.

“Do you take this woman . . .”

///1988 . . .

Beetlejuice yanked on his hair. “Oh, the ring?!” He started to pull things out, including some kind of rodent and put it in Lydia’s hand.

She immediately dropped that, ew! If she thought that was terrifying though? He brought out a finger with a ring. He muttered a few things she couldn’t remember as he took out the finger.

“I’m telling you, Honey, she meant nothing to me. Nothing at all!”///

That finger. “Wait!” She yanked her arm away from him. “When this guy tried to marry us last time, he asked you if you took my hand in matrimony just like now,” Lydia said straight to him. “You were talking to yourself, and you said that if you were going to do it, then you’d only do it once!” She pushed on him. “You had a finger in that ring, and you have an ex-wife!” Liar!

He seemed a little surprised. “Wow. You remember our first wedding day?”

“Why did you bother lying? I didn’t even know you, why would I care?” There had to be something to it.

“Oh, I can explain! Do you want a hug?” He held his arms out.

“No!” Of course she didn’t.

“Oh, don’t be jealous,” he said. “I knew this would eventually come up. Okay, I was married while I was alive, you know that now. Live weddings aren’t like real marriages. Real ones last an eternity. Real marriage is beyond death, don’t you think? Eternity marriage.”

“I’m not jealous.” She hated the way she was having a conversation with him right now. “You planned on an eternity marriage with me last time?”

“Well, I’m dead, so it’s eligible,” he said. “Seriously, it’s not like I am going to marry you and then kill you. Wait.”

What?!

“No no, that sounded wrong. I did not intend to sound like that. I want to get married and protect you.”

No, he didn’t. He wants to marry me and kill me, so he never has to go to hell. He probably even has contracts. He’s going to get paid by those, and take me into his pit!

“Whoah, whoah, Lydia!” He was panicking, he knew he was caught. “It’s not like that, I am not planning on ending your life. Your what, 52 or so? I’ve got like twenty or forty years to wait on average, that’s not long.”

He couldn’t trick her.

Astrid appeared at her side. She looked so confused.

“No. No, no, no, you know me.” Beetlejuice gestured to himself. “You know I am not planning that, Astrid. Talk some sense into her.” He looked around. “We are running out of time.”

“Betelgeuse!” They were already there, with Wolf leading them. “It’s over.”

Astrid watched the whole scene. It was moving so fast. Wolf was there, holding Beetlejuice to the ground physically. How could anyone hold him? He had so much power. Meanwhile, there were bullets being shot at mom and her.

Mom didn’t notice them. They were being frozen in place. Terrified. Scared. Angry. But scared. Really scared. She was sensing Beetlejuice. Maybe his juice didn’t work as well when he wasn’t well? He sang McArthur Park, even though he still wanted to try. Three times were hard to beat. He was still trying.

Astrid made her decision, quick. She went toward the Reverand. “Say wife, they had an error marriage. Just say wife, please!”

The Reverend looked at her.

Okay, she may have not been there for long, but she already knew a general rule among the dead. They thought more of themselves than anyone else. “That marriage has been happening for 36 years, imagine the reward you’ll get for finishing it?”

“Wife.”

Astrid heard a loud cackle. Happy. Super happy. Immensely happy.

“It’s Showtime!”

Chapter Text

Lydia started feeling the floor wave beneath her. It changed into a black and white spiral of goo. It moved up and caught her, sending her into a wave toward a corner where there was a board. Ugh, it smelled weird too. It wasn’t like water. It was strong and toxic. Not toxic. Mouthwash?

Beetlejuice cackled and became a gigantic shark. He splashed into the water, causing bigger waves. He was being the menace he had always been.

This is all my fault. I trusted a dangerous demon, to protect us from danger. She was desperate to get through it with Astrid, but now it all made sense. When she was younger, she assumed he wanted a ‘young bride’. Now that she was in her 50’s, he should have gone after her daughter.

Not once did he ever even bat an eye at Astrid. That was why. It didn’t matter who he picked, he just needed to marry someone and kill them to avoid hell forever. Forget just having power in the mortal world, he wanted to escape his fate itself. She would be the main bait as soon as he was done messing around and killing innocent people.

An eternity, with a demon who killed and deceived her. He deceived Astrid too. The officers that came in had it under control, but Astrid made it happen. She made the reverand finish the first wedding. Astrid. She was on the other side of the ceremony floor, also on top of some kind of board. “Astrid!”

He was heading right toward her daughter. She jumped off into the gooey waters, her instinct making her move into it.

Beetlejuice showed up next to Astrid’s board, still a shark. “I got a problem.”

Astrid just shook her head. “I got you married. That was the deal, nothing else.”

“It doesn’t do me any good when your mom thinks I’m gonna kill her now.” Geez.

“You are you,” Astrid said. “It’d make sense you’d find the most money.”

“Yeah, protect her for some money, then burn her for some money, and then the soul train of no hell.” He got it. “It’s brilliant. I'd do that in a heartbeat, if it was anyone else.”

“She is really struggling to get over here,” Astrid noticed. “She’s lost trust in you.”

“She never had any in the first place,” he reminded her. “Shit. She thinks I’m here to kill you two now.” Yep. “She’s a lousy swimmer.” He juiced another board next to her. “All that mouthwash for nothing. Any ideas?”

“On how to make her trust you again?”

“Was shooting for the kiss. The whole ‘I’m not trying to kill you’ didn’t work. A guy’s gotta get what he can get.”

“If she thinks you are going to kill her? You aren’t getting a kiss from my mom. You becoming a huge shark didn’t help.”

“I won!” He exclaimed. “I had to take out some enemies in the balcony and flush out the officers too.”

“Can you fix the contract? Add something that protects her life until she dies naturally?”

“Nah,” he said. “I don’t know if she dies naturally in the future. I have no say over that.”

“Can you add anything about not you killing her?” she recommended.

“Me not killing her no matter what. Shitty thing to have to put in a contract when I’m the one saving you two for everything else.”

“For. Major. Fees,” she reminded him.

“Right, right.” Beetlejuice sighed. “No. Same thing, I can’t say how she’ll die. The contract won’t bind with the client’s future death being named.”

“Why? Isn’t anything possible?” Astrid had to ask. “It’s not a Neitherworld contract.”

“To sign something that mentions a client’s death, by the client, is suicide. Not allowed. Trust me on that.” He groaned. “Fine. Fine! I have two backup plans. Meet your mom with me, and just go with the flow of what happens. I’ve got to take care of the rest, there’s still more around here.”

Oh thank goodness. Lydia saw Astrid being brought toward her with a wave. “Astrid!”

Astrid grabbed her hands as the boards connected. “It’s okay. Trust me, mom. You know people were gunning for us, don’t you?”

They were? Lydia looked around, noticing some spots of gold and silver in the air. “Bullets.” Okay, well, at least that explained the sudden destruction.

She watched as the shark of Beetlejuice launched into the air again. “Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!” he cackled as he hit the small balcony that was behind the wedding area. His entire body took it out.

The waves crashed against the walls. Lydia tried to brace for impact, but Astrid didn’t seem concerned at all. Their wave wasn’t as hard, and it started to spiral upward and turn into gooey stairs.

Astrid headed up first, so Lydia followed. She had no idea where they were possibly going. As the gigantic shark cackled again and took another dive though, most everyone this time fell completely out of the room with the splash.

She could hear screams coming from outside of the area. The spiraling staircase of black goo changed to a black and white horizontal board that ran across the top. Lydia and Astrid still followed it.

Beetlejuice was at the other end, now himself again. “Got a wedding present. Hang on.” The bullets that had been in the air were getting pulled into globules, with some of it being ejected. “This is juice and not juice. More like, I don’t know, smelting shit I guess. I’m physically changing the properties with proper substances.”

Why did that matter to her? Why was he taking time to explain that? Lydia watched as it started to come toward them.

It changed and fell apart, everything sloshing to the ground, except for two rings at the center floating in mid-air.

“So it won’t disappear like juice. Like I always said. If I was gonna do it? It’d be just once.” Beetlejuice grabbed one of the rings. “Can I touch your hand?”

Lydia nodded and watched him place the impromptu made ring on her.

“There ya go, no dead finger ever touched it. Well, I mean besides mine. That kind of freaked you out the last time.”

It was more than the dead finger in the ring that freaked her out last time. “You had me hold a rodent.”

“Oh. Did you want one again?” He reached into his pocket.

“No, the ring is fine.” Oof. They are interesting though. She never saw rings like that. Made from the bullets that tried to kill her. Smelting.

No decoration, no words, just two clearly steel rings.

He pulled the hand that he placed the finger on closer as he grabbed his ring with the other. “Bet that's nicer, right? So? It’s our wedding day. Before I came up here I brushed really well and used mouthwash.” He brought the hand even closer. “Can I get a hug?”

She didn’t look comfortable with it, but she did just get married. At this point, playing nice would be the better idea. “Fine.”

He pulled her into a hug. “The curse of three times didn’t get us this time. The curse of paying up for a 36 year marriage ceremony did though. That is gonna hurt.”

Right. “So, you are free now?”

“Hang on.” He was still hugging her. “Brushed teeth. Mouthwash. Wedding day. Picking up the vibes yet?”

Oh no, she knew what he wanted. “No way, no kiss.”

“Oh come on,” he whined as he lifted her into the air with him as they hugged.

Ooh, no no, not this again!

“If Astrid hadn’t thought of that, I’d be getting dragged to hell and you’d both be dead,” he said. “You know our new wedding rings are made of the casings that should have killed you.”

“Are you guilt tripping me into a kiss?”

“Is it working?” he asked. “I’ll drop the 22k you owe me. I also sent back twelve people, and actually killed two live people for you.”

Live? “Innocent?”

“Nah, shoot to kill types.”

How did live-?”

“I’m not the only one who can reach out to this side.” He bent her backwards as they continued to spin slowly upward.

Why. Why was she the one who kept ending up like this? She got pulled back up again.

“That is 5,000 per life so 10,000. Each escort was 2500 so that’s 30,000. All together, you just spent another 40k. I’ll drop the 40k and the 22k.” He brought her closer. “For a wedding kiss.”

62,000? That’s a lot of money. She already owed 274,500 for the debt. Then there was the quick save before the Neitherworld, another 3,000. Altogether that was . . . a lot. 62k for one kiss. “Why would you lose so much money on a kiss? You already have what you wanted?” In what world did that make sense?

“Mom!”

Lydia looked down toward Astrid. Her eyes were wide and just looking at her as if she had been an idiot? A look she was used to, but definitely more prominent at the moment. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s leaving the money because he’d rather have the kiss?” Astrid said.

That’s right, she would be his wife forever if she didn’t pay up. Right now, she was his wife. Oh come on, loyalty shouldn’t be a thing. Unless it was? If he had to stay loyal to keep his eternity marriage to her, then that meant? I’d be the only thing to fulfill his needs?! “I first met you at a whore house!” She just blurted it out.

“Umm . . . you never know where love is hiding?” He seemed really confused as to why she brought that up.

“Mom!”

“I mean, I wasn’t in it!” Lydia corrected herself. “I mean? I’m a 52 year old widower with a teenager, I am nowhere near to the teenage angst you met 36 years ago.”

“Mom! Mom, look at me!”

Lydia turned to look down at Astrid. She was down even further now.

Astrid looked at her straight on. “He has to ask permission to even touch your hand, remember? Don't freak out.”

Right. That was right. 62k. I saved up a lot of money. A lot. Still, I should have saved up more. Damn her for wanting to show off for Delia sometimes when she came to visit. Just to show how great she turned out without having to be like her.

Three to six months. It wasn’t long. Three to six months. I piled on 62k in less than 24 hours. She looked back at Beetlejuice and chewed on her fingernails lightly. He already got touching and hugs. If she gave into a kiss, he’d be expecting more and more.

Okay, she had to do this gently. “I know it’s our wedding day, and you are floating and spinning me in the air in a beautiful wedding dress after dashingly saving me. But? I’m not ready for a kiss yet.” How would he react?

Oh, well, that was good? Just a little smirk. “You can reserve it?”

Reserve it. “At the end? That . . . might work?”

“It’ll work.” He seemed confident. He seemed just as happy? If that was happy. It felt happy. She would say it looked like a wicked sneer, but she could feel . . . it was happy.

The spinning sped up a moment as they slowly drifted down. Yeah, he is still fine with everything. He’s . . . She could almost feel what he was thinking as her body felt so warm. Her ears started to ring. Her cheeks were burning. That feeling with her first husband, was back in full swing, but it wasn’t coming from that guy.

It was coming from Beetlejuice.

That feeling was supernatural, it wasn’t love? All these years she had it mixed up. Maybe that botched marriage ceremony had done something between them after all. She felt herself land and looked toward Astrid.

Astrid didn’t seem upset at all with her now. She’d been upset with her on and off ever since she learned about the show being the culprit to their destruction.

At least they didn’t have to worry about Beetlejuice being called away from them. Okay. Married. Rejected the new husband’s kiss, but he seemed okay. What was he going to say now?

“I finally won you fucking Maitlaaaaands!”

Okay . . . yeah, that fit him. She felt herself get tugged into a tighter hug and dipped again. He better not!

He just looked at her with the biggest grin. “I am going to make you so happy. ” He leaned into her closer. “I’m already wearing you down, Lydia Deetz.”

Oh, the way he said that. No. No, I did not like it! He was not wearing her down. Sure he was extra charming just now, but this was Beetlejuice. A demon who attacked her family when she was a teenager. That charged a lot of money to keep her family safe. That just finished killing people. He was selfish, and from the way he acted earlier, he knew he belonged in hell. There were very few good qualities that rounded him out.

Except that he was pretty good at being charming at weddings. He was nice to her at all three of them. Dancing in the air in the second and third. But that’s it, playing romantic did not a good man make.

She was a good person, and good people, didn’t fall for demons. He was not wearing her down. He was just extra charming when he wanted to be. She just discovered some tied connection they had. That’s all it had been.

That’s the only reason her heart kept pounding. He pulled her back up and finally let go.

He snapped his fingers and the gooey water started to retreat down into the floor like a sinkhole. It all closed up again, with none of the destruction showing it was anything supernatural. “Well, that looks all in order now. There’s just one more thing left.”

She watched as he grabbed her quickly again. He looked at her deeply in her eyes. Please don’t kill me. I want to live longer, I want to see Astrid grow up, don’t!

He let her go and adjusted his wrist collar sleeves. “That went surprisingly well.”

“No, it didn’t!”

Lydia heard Officer Wolf’s voice. It looked like Beetlejuice kept him alive? Or unescorted would probably be the right word.

"Where do I even start with you, Scumbag?! You killed your own employees, in your place of pennance!”

“I killed backstabbers trying to kill Lydia and Astrid. Three were innocent, and I let them go home early.”

Officer Wolf shouted again. “You had no right to send anyone home early!”

“Well, I wanted to save them. They did nothing wrong, and if we get to be co-workers again in the future, there won’t be any awkwardness. I mean, I saved you too.”

“I could have saved myself.” Wolf Jackson fixed his outfit again. “That wasn’t for good reason either, everything you do is selfish. You always need to have some wiggle room to show you are ‘doing good’, so you never get the full smackdown laid out on you. But not this time. You were attempting to illegally marry again."

“No, I wasn’t, Officer,” Beetlejuice said. “I was just baiting out some dough.” Dough appeared in his hands and he wore an apron with a chef hat as he started to toss it up and down. “My staff was in on taking them out. Found a bunch of contracts. So, I knew I would be losing my position. While I am getting reassigned, I gotta keep up my finances you know? Everyone knows I wanted to marry her next in Vegas.” He flipped the dough up into the air really high.

“You really expect me to believe that?”

“Yeah. She was already my wife,” he pointed out. “You saw her profile.”

Excuse me?! “What do you mean I was already your wife?”

Chapter Text

“You finished the ceremony, you uncursed yourself,” Officer Wolf said ignoring her. “That’s illegal. You are going to be going straight to the soul train for this one.”

“What do you mean? No, I’m not,” he insisted. “It’s a 36 year gap, you think having some random reverand repeat a word would do that?”

It was the same reverand, wasn’t it? Then again, all the shrunkenheads looked the same to her. Maybe it wasn’t the same one?

“Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse!” Astrid yelled.

He disappeared.

“Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuese,” Astrid said again.

He reappeared. “See?”

“I don’t know.” Officer Wolf was still unsure.

“Come on, Officer? If I was granted the power to stay in this realm, then why would I be bothering to even talk to you? I’da amscrayed and you’d be in the waiting room too,” Beetlejuice reasoned. “This worked really well, we need to keep this up. It’ll flush out a lot at once.” Then, he greedily slapped his hands together and rubbed them. “I just made 62.5k alone today with that trick.”

62.5k? Oh, Beetlejuice! He’d been playing her and Astrid for fools the entire ceremony! “How were we married?”

“You were an error wife,” Astrid actually answered instead. “Your married to the Neitherworld. You and I have been haunting Beetlejuice here when we got really happy or sad.”

What? “You knew?”

“Since I went to the bathroom with Officer Wolf,” Astrid admitted.

Haunting.

“Come on, Officer Wolf. They’ve got a thousand contracts out there on them. Surviving for six months, even with me?” Beetlejuice reasoned. “I’ve got a little bit of an afterlife, you know.”

Officer Wolf went and checked his phone. “She still says error wife.” He kept his eyes on Beetlejuice. “Records are slow though, they usually don’t show anything right away.”

“What do you want? An invititation to every fake wedding I plan?” Beetlejuice asked. “Fine, granted. Don’t forget a wedding present each time. From all your officers that didn’t get escorted out. Cash is preferred.”

Error wife. We already fulfilled that contract this whole time, what a bastard. He never changed. He never would!

“Speaking of wedding presents?” Beetlejuice pointed out. “9 shrunkenheads were escorted, and at 2500 a pop, that is 22,500. Plus? I just performed 12 escorts here, as well as two bioexorcisms. That’s another 30,000 with the live people rounding it to a cool 40,000. Like I said, 62.5k.”

Money hungry demon.

“You’re a sick man, Beetlejuice,” Officer Wolf called him out. “If something was sketchy, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Hey. I’m a killer. Not a narc.” He held his hands up. “I’ll get all the paperwork filled out for you.”

“Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betel-!” Wolf paused.

Beetlejuice didn’t move.

“geuse,” he finished.

Beetlejuice disappeared.

“Hmm . . . Betelgeuse, Betelguese, Betelgu-” Wolf paused again. “Betelgeuse.”

Beetlejuice didn’t return.

“Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse,” Wolf finished.

Beetlejuice returned. “Are we testing this all day?”

Wolf stomped his feet. “Betelgeuse! One of these days, you are going to go too far and get caught.”

“Don’t!” Lydia wasn’t going to let this fly. “I want to deal with things as they come. No more gimmicks when we are left in the dark. I want to know everything that is going on.”

Beetlejuice scratched under his chin. “Well you will from now on when we show up in some ruined Vegas wedding we take over.”

“No.” That’s not good enough. “I don’t want to drive them out to capture us, I want to deal with them until the terms of the contracts expire.” The less she had to pay with those antics, the better.

He just shrugged. “You’re the boss. If you pay.”

“If you are still cursed,” Astrid said, “then are we returning as your luggage again?”

“Right now his afterlife pennance is up in the air,” Wolf said to her. “Even he can’t return yet without certain things explained in paperwork. If he does without a proper escort, it won’t be good.” He pointed firmly toward him. “That better be great paperwork. If it’s not, I’ll come back for you. If it is good enough to change people’s minds, then I’ll come back when we find a new location for you. Until then.”

“I have to stay in limbo,” Beetlejuice said dully. “Great. Yeah. Like I haven’t had that happen before.”

“You have to stay in your grave?” Astrid asked. “What if we call your name?”

“I can only come out if my name’s called three times. Same drill,” he said. “You guys can still come in with me though. In fact?”

Lydia watched him sleaze his way over toward her closer.

“If I remember correctly, you said the old Winter River’s house is for sale?” he asked. “Right?”

“Right.” What was he thinking?

“I can sense a lot more of what’s going on faster, the nearer I am,” he said to her.

That house? “I don’t own it, it’s on the market now.”

“Then take it off the market,” he said with a sinister voice.

Off the market. That huge house. It would cost her even more money. “Why do we need to do that?”

“Your chance of survival rises more. I can sense ghost energy in the house and around it,” he said. “Especially at night, when you are sleeping. If you summon me, but don’t summon me away, I can come out later.”

Well, that definitely explained him being the snake when she was a teen. It’ll be fine. I still have plenty of money. That probably would be smart.

“Couldn’t you do that anywhere?” Astrid asked him. “Can’t you move limbo?”

“It takes weeks to move limbo. Especially now, paperwork will have to be fixed before he can move anywwhere,” Officer Wolf explained. “You always just think you are one bad hombre.”

“Yeah, I’m stuck for a bit,” Beetlejuice answered her.

“At least six months, and only if you are found to be partly forgivable to what happened,” Wolf agreed with him. “He won’t have much stretch.”

“That and if the ex-wife comes, then I’m gonna need some extra help right away,” Beetlejuice muttered.

Lydia felt Astrid’s hand.

“He pulled himself into only going to limbo for us?” Astrid pointed out. “Maybe we should move?”

Yeah, after he threw a fake wedding. “It doesn’t happen in a day.”

“Probably doesn’t, but I can still be summoned. I also don’t leave until I get summoned out,” he just had to remind them. “So! Stating that. Do I get my own room or am I bunking with my Mrs?”

Those words just made Lydia curl inside, and a little on the outside. Their lovely home. For their safety until he could be closer. “We’ll . . . find something.”

“Great. One more thing. Officer Wolf. Can you escort me safely to the waiting room? I need to handle the situation with my luggage.”

Oh, he really didn’t look happy.

“Hey, it needs done. Now would be the time, there’s no ghosts anywhere near here except you and me. Don’t worry, it won’t take long.”

Lydia watched him disappear.

This? Absolutely sucked! Wolf should have been left in the dust, he should have been able to take them away, and enjoy the luxuries of living in the mortal realm! Instead?

He had to pretend it didn’t work. Lydia had it in her head that he wanted to kill her now. Him and his dumb mouth got him in trouble again.

He tried really hard. Made her a wedding ring instead of using his ex’s dead finger ring. Spun her around. Mouthwash. Charming as absolute shit, and in the end?

He could tell. She was even more spooked now that he was going to kill her. If he had just taken her and Astrid and bailed away from the Neitherworld completely right there?

Lydia would be scared every second that he was just going to come kill her. That wasn’t what he wanted. That was going to make their future super annoying. She wouldn’t want to hang around him. No kissing, no hugs, no nothing. Then when she died, she would do her best to stay away.

She wouldn’t willingly hang out with him until they end up on a soul train. Yeah, fuck that! No way. He’d go through a little bit of annoyance now to ignore a future of that crap.

He just needed Lydia to get to know him a little longer. Long enough he didn’t feel fright from her any more. Then this pretending not to be cursed shit would be over.

“Next!”

“Hey again. Me.” Beetlejuice introduced himself. “So, I’m going to need a form for lost baggage.”

Yeah, she remembered him all right. “Lost baggage?”

“Yeah.”

“The baggage that was your wife and daughter?”

“Yeah.”

“You lost. Your baggage.”

“Put it somewhere. Can’t remember where.”

“It’s supposed to be no farther than fifteen feet!”

“Yeah, but, everyone loses track of their baggage at some point.”

She gave him the paper and watched him fill it out.

“So I just need your signature.” He gestured to it.

“I didn’t witness you losing your baggage,” she called him out. “That whole mess is for you to clean up with your caseworker.”

“Yeah, you did,” he said. “I lost my luggage, not baggage. Remember? You stamped luggage on their forehead?” Yeah, he got a surprised look and then a very annoyed look. “Unless you didn’t. Maybe it said baggage. Two eerily similar papers. One is public, and one isn’t. You could always check the cameras and shit, it always records everything. That’d settle the conflict.”

“Just give me the paper!” She signed off on it. “You know, somewhere there’s a place that doesn’t have to deal with your stupid hijinks. Someday, I want to go there.”

“What, hell?” he asked. “Because I’ve got a wife who’s a freaking saint, so yeah, that’d be clear for you.”

“I’ll file it, just get out!”

“Nice doing business with ya.” Now, one more look around. He wasn’t going to be coming back for a long while. He went back toward Wolf. “Ready.”

“You are terrible,” Wolf said to him.

“Thanks.”

“How in the hell did such good people end up in such a bad position, as to have to trust in you?”

“I don’t know. Just, lucky I guess.” He shrugged. “Speaking of those people?”

“Yeah, yeah. If I didn’t care,” Wolf muttered.

“You’d go further in your afterlife,” Beetlejuice finished for him.

“Not very far. Not caring is the one thing that sends everyone straight to the Fires of Damnation.”

“Well, I care about a couple. Fuck everybody else. Seems good enough to keep me out of there.”

Lydia watched Beetlejuice and Wolf return.

“Great, got that settled. So?”

“I can’t do anything else with him,” Officer Wolf said to Lydia. “If I could, I would. I’d help you unfortunate people that have your own lives to worry about, but that’s not what I can do. The only thing I can do? Would . . . put you and your daughter in an even riskier situation. Still, go with your gut. When you get tired of him, just wish him away like a bad dream.” He disappeared.

Chapter Text

Astrid looked at her mom standing at the Winter River house she grew up in. “Won’t happen in a day, huh?” She just had to call her out.

Her mom had just said that, but as soon as she realized Beetlejuice would be staying with them. In their nice home. She did a ton of flips. Not only did it not just take a day, it didn’t even take fifteen minutes.

Mom never insisted anything to Beetlejuice unless it was life threatening. This time, she did. Her actions would cost her more money.

“Hey, it’s like you never left,” Beetlejuice said as he looked around. “Still dumb as hell. Half Maitland boring, and half cool.”

“Hey.” Astrid went toward him. “How come you know so many current events? You seem like you died a long time ago, but you always seem to know what’s going on now too.” She could feel her mom’s glare on her back. She was asking a perfectly fine question without needing to. “I was curious.”

“Oh. I was alive during a hell of a time,” Beetlejuice answered her. “The longer I’ve been dead, the cooler the living world became. There’s nothing much to do when your dead except screw around and do business. Usually both at the same time, so I meet a lot of new ghosts. Learn how they talk to get them to trust me. Steal their stuff. Use the money and get more stuff. Then trash it because I don’t got shit for room. I can also manipulate other forms of energy near my grave. Real easy to watch TV. Then when Chuck put internet in the house, I jacked into that shit and watched a ton of it.”

Neat. “Can you still control it?”

“Astrid. We don’t have anything on yet,” her mom said. “I need to work some things out about the house. Your second cousin doesn’t even know my name except from the show.”

“You mean the show that doomed us?” Astrid asked. “So he knows you have money? You probably should have took the house.”

“I didn’t need to pay for property I wasn’t going to use, and I didn’t want to mess with it. I wanted a new start for us,” she reminded Astrid.

“Yeah. Thanks for the new start,” Astrid answered.

“Ah. You can’t really blame your mom,” Beetlejuice said. “I put the thought of the show in her head.”

What?

“What do you mean?” Her mom asked him. Directly.

“Through the connection we have,” he answered. “Your show was making lots of money with your talent that let you manipulate ghosts? What, doesn’t ring a bell?” he chuckled. “How could you not fucking tell that was me?”

Oh. Astrid looked at her mom.

“What? Connection?” she asked.

Yeah. Her mom really needed to catch up on things. She basically just asked him to bring them right there as soon as she got a brief okay from the owners. She didn’t ask him about the error wife thing. The haunting. Nothing.

“Oh. You half married me according to the Neitherworld, but not this world,” Beetlejuice said. “Yeah, mix up in what the term marriage means, you know? Wife wasn’t said out loud, but the reverand thought it. Janky shit that had you haunting me.”

“We haunted you?”

“Yeah. In your highest highs and lowest lows. You couldn’t hear or see me, but I still influenced your emotions. Sometimes, things would come across,” he said.

Her mom was quiet a bit. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were scheming with the wedding?”

Oh, she finally asked him. Mom just really did her best not to talk to him like a human being of any kind.

“Oh, I wasn’t,” he admitted. “I had to make that shit up since it didn’t work. Always gotta have a backup plan, Babe.”

“Lydia,” she said to him. She crossed her arms briefly.

“Yes, it was the connection we used to have for dad that was actually him.” Astrid couldn’t take it. She wasn’t asking about it, but it was clear she felt it.

“I guessed that. It was a supernatural force between worlds,” her mother said like that was an ordinary thing for her. “No one ever said anything about that connection.”

“I was hoping I might get some more use out of it,” Beetlejuice said. “Secrets can lead to some good stuff when used right.”

“I’m gonna go work out the details of the house in another room,” her mom said. “Be careful, Astrid.”

“I’m fine,” Astrid said as her mom left. She looked back toward Beetlejuice. She put her thumb down and then up. “Fake or not?”

Beetlejuice grew two sets of extra limbs, and gave her four thumbs up.

He was hiding the fact he was free. For mom. I knew he didn’t just want marriage. He wanted her mom. It wouldn’t be that easy though. Not only did he have to go from nightmare to friend, he was . . . dead. “You’ll need to work harder.”

“Eh, I’ll get there,” He answered.

“Can you change your appearance at all?” she asked. “I know you are dead.”

“What, that obvious?” He looked around himself. “I don’t got worms growing out of my armpits or nothing. Lately.”

Ew, what an image. What is wrong with me? I shouldn’t be giving him pointers for mom. The connection was so confusing. Still, he was making her mom feel better by not telling her he was already free. “Can you fix yourself up at all?”

“You mean like this?” He poofed on a nice outfit with a top hat.

No, that wasn’t any better. “You still need to shower at some point.”

“You aren’t going to like how that goes,” he responded. “I’d love to see how your mom handles all this.”

Astrid watched him disappear. Yeah, he was stuck on mom.

“Uh huh.” Lydia walked back and forth. If she had known any of this had happened, she would have just kept the house when it was handed to her. The relative that received it after she disclaimed it, she hadn’t met much in her life at all. There was no family connection that was going to help the situation.

They did know the show though, so they knew she would be good for it. Had she known them, she could just rent it for the time she needed it, and then return back to her own home. That wouldn’t work here. “No. I get that. It’s a beautiful house but 600,000 is definitely over the asking price.” 300,000 maybe 400,000. “As I said before, I just need to be in the area about six months or so. Yes.” No dice.

They were going to put up the house for owning, but not yet. There was furniture in it, and they just ‘were not ready’. So the extra fee was because they ‘were not ready’. Also, because she wanted to arrive early that day without any warning. “Yes. No. I understand. Sure, fine.” Fine! “Yes, I will pay the full asking price for you. Until it’s ready, thirty thousand for three months rent.” Ugh! “Yes. Thank you. Yes, I have your information. I’ll be in touch soon.”

“Wow, someone’s got you bent over and it’s not me.”

Lydia turned around and saw him. Couldn’t he just go to his limbo already? “I secured the house.”

“Sounds more like you secured close to a million in debt,” he said to her. “Hasn’t even been a full day yet. In fact, you still haven’t eaten anything.”

She did. A little. It felt strange eating something that came from his magic. Now that she was back in the living world, she could take care of her own eating needs again though.

“So? Not including all this house stuff. You’ve got a week to get me 62,500. Oh and that extra 3,000 for the last save in this world. Oh and yeah, that pesky back payment. All in cash.”

“Yes, I know.” She was still trying to figure it out. The money wasn’t the problem, it was getting it into cash. Over 10,000 and the banks would start looking and asking questions. There was no reason anyone needed a ton of money in cash anymore. Even if she had a week to pay, to get all of that wouldn’t be an easy task. Even to try to pull out 9,000 each day, it would all look suspicious.

She watched as he changed into a nice vest with a pair of glasses.

“Do you need yourself a payment plan?” he asked with the most vicious sneer.

“No, I just need you to accept cards,” she said. “I could get you what you need today with cards,” she added. Hell, she had two right now she could give him.

“Nothing even does me any good until I can go back to the Neitherworld again,” he reminded her. “That means it doesn’t really matter. But? If I just grant that, then I’m just doing you another favor for free. I’ve already done that before. Twice. Sure, we have this cute contract between us all, but I haven’t seen a single cent yet, Babe.”

He did that babe on purpose. He was right, she hadn’t paid him anything yet. She didn’t keep a lot of cash on her those days. Who did?

Buying the Winter River house was annoying, as well as the rent, but she could exchange big flows of money between that.

Physical cash. That was the problem. And that problem? Could secure her a place forever next to this decrepid, creepy, vulgar demon who didn’t really care about anyone but himself. I need to make him change from cash.

“Oh, I know that look,” he teased. “It’s my favorite look on my clients. It’s a look that says ‘I just realized I landed in shit and I can’t get out’. You know that you are going to need something. Otherwise you’ll need nearly 400,000 in cash in a week.”

Ugh. Of course he wanted to lord that over her. “Yes, I need you to take cards.”

“Neat. Give me a good reason why, because getting you stuck is basically what I want.” He knew that, of course he knew that.

Damn! She turned down a kiss for 62k. Even if she did go through with it, it was still way too much. “What do you want in exchange?”

“New stuff. With you.”

Oh, she dreaded what that meant.

He appeared right beside her, causing her to jump.

“Death doesn’t freeze you, I gotta stay up with the times. One day I’ll meet more ghosts again, and if I’m gonna get along well enough to make them help? I gotta know the latest things.”

“Trends and things?” Oh. “Astrid would know about trends.” She was a teenager. Then again, he didn’t need to be spending more time with Astrid. She was already way too comfortable with him.

“Nah, you. She doesn’t need a favor,” he said as he pointed at her. “You do.”

“I don’t know a whole lot of the latest thing,” she reasoned.

“Not asking for that. Can I touch your hand?”

Just her hand? “Sure.”

He grabbed her hand and moved it to the wall, causing her to move closer to the wall and to him. She was practically almost nose to nose with him.

“Current Movies. Current TV Shows. Current Games. Current food. Anything and everything. If you can't find something new to teach me about, then you have to stay in the model with me for three hours.”

With her? “You want to watch movies and eat things with me?” Whoah! He brought her hand past his shoulder, bringing her too close. She was the one who touched him, all because he stretched his arms out way more than a human could.

“I want to catch some entertainment with my wife.”

The way he said that. “Error wife.”

“Still a wife.”

"Am I supposed to stay for the duration of said things?"

"Yeah."

Oh no. She got it. “Are these supposed to be dates?”

“If you want to call them that, I won’t stop ya. Inside of course,” he said. “In the model.”

Oh, he could make her shiver so strangely. “I . . .”

“You need a change in the contract and you know it. You walked in total shit when you agreed to cash.”

Ugh! He yanked her hand upward, bringing her extra close.

“I could always change it to other activities?” he pointed out. “Your choice.”

“Fine.” Fine! She definitely didn’t want him to change it into anything else.

Great, yes, he pulled out more paper and just whipped up another contract.

“Addendum added. You owe me two learning sessions each week. Or three hours with me if you can't do it. You miss, it goes back to cash.” He held it out to her.

Oh. It was the same contract. New part. Two dates a week. I have to. She signed it.

“Thanks. Totally won’t regret it,” he said as the contract disappeared. Then he disappeared?

Great. Two nights. Alone. In the model.

Chapter Text

Hey, sign this.”

“Hey, no way.” Astrid had been looking at old bird books left behind in the house when she got something shoved in her face. “I need to read what I need to sign.”

“Sorry, here.” Beetlejuice moved it farther away and juiced up a pen. “I already got your mom to sign it.”

Astrid read it. “Does she understand that you are blackmailing her into dates?”

“Yeah.” No shame in his voice.

Yeah, she looked over the page. He had duped her mom into giving him two dates a week. She tried to see if there was anything else. He was covering several materials, there was plenty to work with. It looked like this was how he wanted to try to get closer to her. “You should probably take more than one shower a week.” She signed it.

“A deal’s a deal.” He took the contract. “You are still going to regret that one.”

No way. He needed cleaned. Right now though? “Mom needs to eat.” She’d been ignoring his food. “We should order out.”

“Ooh. New food.” He was fine with that.

Astrid went toward her mom who was still on the phone. “You still need to eat.” Her mom looked stressed. She probably didn’t get a good deal on the house. “Should we order out?”

“There’s some chinese not too far,” she answered. “I will get groceries when all of the power kicks on.”

Her mom didn’t look so well. She did get married today to a dead guy. She thought she was bamboozled about it for a trick. She now had to regrab this home for a lot. “Can you show me your bedroom?”

Her mom glanced at her. “You want to see my old room?”

“Yeah. Your special room.”

Her mom stood up. “I don’t know if your grandpa changed much of it.” She walked her down to her old dark room. She opened the door.

There was a little staircase in the entryway. Astrid followed her mom down.

The room was really strange. Everything was covered in black, including the curtains. “Even young, you were strange.” She looked around the room. “This looks more like the Neitherworld than the Neitherworld.”

She watched her mom go to a little boudoir. She placed on a black hat with a veil. “I used to wear this for dinners.” She actually smiled. “It really bugged your grandma Delia back then.” She took it back off.

Strange. That place actually even had some creepy things in it. Tombstones. Bones. Skulls. Yet, her mom looked really happy in it. Her mom always seemed a little strange, but their houses weren’t that strange. Her show was strange, and since she stopped the show, she had been trying to make herself look normal.

She was doing it for Astrid. It was clear what her mom’s element had still been. This is why Beetlejuice fell for her. Had her dad been attracted to that strangeness too? “It’s strange you never got along with grandma. Her art and your taste kind of went together.”

“I didn’t like her.” Her mom had a strange lilt in her voice. “She always seemed fake and bossy. You’d see her art and you’d think she’d be an interesting person. I never knew what my dad saw in her.” She looked back at her. “Looking back, I guess she wasn’t so bad.”

“Grandma’s art was emotional and usually loud,” Astrid said to her. “She wore loud clothes, and made a loud statement. She never shied away from anything.” She moved around. “Your subtle, like a whisper. A strong whisper though.”

She was rewarded with another smile from her mom. “You, Astrid, are a nice balance of someone new. I’m glad you didn’t take too much after me. I was probably a handful.”

“Am I not?” Astrid pointed out.

“In a different way,” her mom said. “Do you want something to eat too? There aren’t a ton of options in Winter River. There is chinese.”

“Chinese sounds good.” Astrid followed her back outward. Beetlejuice wasn’t around out there. “We should get something for him too. Where’d he go?”

“I’ve already got something for him,” her mom said dully. “He’s probably in his model already.”

“Wrong.”

Astrid watched her mom jump. Just around the corner was Beetlejuice in their second car. He brought it from their house.

“Beetle . . . oh.” Her mom reached in her purse for cards. “Here is 250,000. This other one also has 250,000.” She held them both out to him by the car’s window. “They are cards that are attached to trustworthy accounts.”

“Ooh.” He took both of them. “So your actually paying me?”

“Yes. You have more money than you’ve even earned yet. I can add more if it accumulates.”

“Ah.” He tucked them in his tuxedo, then scratched the mold on the side of his face. “Probably won’t go nuts. Just in case.”

“I’m not going to stand you up,” she promised. “There was a huge difference with what happened the last two times, and some . . . movie watching.”

“Uh huh. So, Chinese?”

“Yes,” her mom said. “Not the people.”

“Well, I didn’t figure you were trying to eat the people. I mean you didn’t really scream cannibalism,” he said to her. “Front or back?”

Her mom was confused.

Astrid was too. “What do you mean front or back?”

“Do I get the passenger seat or are you gonna shove me in the back?”

Oh. “You’re dead and you can tell,” Astrid told him. “People will look at you funny if you go outside.”

“So?” He didn’t see the big deal.

“You have mold growing on the side of your face,” Astrid said.

“It makes me look becoming,” he said. “What? I’m not invited?”

“Uh?” Her mom didn’t speak up right away.

“Oh no, no, I get it. Leave the dead guy behind,” he said to her. “Not like I helped today.”

“You ruined someone’s wedding day to make a fake marriage that wasn’t even necessary. You used us as bait.” Her mom did have an answer to that.

“Well yeah, but you two are alive and well,” he pointed out. “It was just one mess up.”

“It was a big mess up.” Her mom sighed.

“Man. You’re so mean. Like, seriously. What bias do you have against me?” he called her out. “Now. I’m not feeling so happy. You want me to just shove off to limbo?”

“Of course she does,” Astrid said for her.

“I? It’s just . . .” Her mom was tongue tied. “It’s gonna be tougher to explain things to people who see you.”

“No one’s gonna see me, I’m a fucking ghost.” He was no longer playing sad. “Front or back window. When you leave, I need to go.”

Oh. Window. “Front.” He could hang out with her mom.

They watched him disappear.

Her mom got in the front and looked around. He was hiding well.

“Hey, over here.”

Astrid could barely see him from her space in the back, but she could tell what he had been when she moved closer.

“How do I look?” He asked her mom. He was wearing a flower necklace and a grass skirt while shaking his hips playing a ukulele.

Her mom took a moment to say something. “You're a Hawaiian bobble?”

“Yep. Do I look good being Hawaiian?”

“I have a hard time seeing you in Hawaii,” her mom said as she started the car. “Don't fall off the dashboard.”

“Yes, Dear.” He struck his ukulele again once before turning back into his usual creepy style.

After getting some food in her stomach, Lydia started to feel better. She went to the store afterward to get some groceries she could keep out of a refrigerator for now. It was always nice to see the old residents that she had grown up with there.

Astrid by her side and Beetlejuice who knows where but not in her sights, it was nice. As annoying as it had been that she knew he was somewhere near? It was still a lot better than just sitting all day with the word Luggage on her forehead. That and, she had to admit. It was nice knowing that if they were yanked and keelhauled out of the store right then, they had someone on their side to take care of it.

When they arrived back home, Beetlejuice still remained out of site. She helped Astrid decide which room would be her bedroom. She stripped the bedding from it (and her own), went down to the local laundromat for a little while to wash it with Astrid, then arrived back with the fresh bedding.

By this time, it was getting close to supper. A normal supper where they could just relax and talk about the day. That normal supper happened just yesterday, until knives started to attack.

“So how many days do I get to stay home from school?” Astrid just had to ask.

“Since you can’t go to your old one anymore, I’ll get you enrolled.” Astrid would have to go to Miss Shannon’s School For Girls. “Miss Shannon’s is a decent school.”

“There’s no way they aren’t going to know about you,” Astrid had to throw out. “It’s still better than sitting around being lugg-” She dropped her fork.

Lydia tried to hide her nose in her sweater. That was pungent!

“Did someone just let twenty wet dogs run through here?” Astrid got up and looked around.

“There ya go.” Beetlejuice leaned in the doorway in a long bathrobe. “Clean.”

“That isn’t clean,” Astrid called him out. “No way close to clean.”

“Well, clean probably isn’t the word,” Beetlejuice said to her. “It’s what you wanted. I took a shower.”

“It smells like a boatload of garbage and wet dogs,” Astrid complained again.

“Well, what does garbage smell like when you add water to it?” Beetlejuice reasoned. “Told ya you’d regret that.”

He looked exactly the same. He was dead, he wasn’t going to change into anything else.

“Cleaned enough no one will die, that was the deal,” Beetlejuice told Astrid again. “Washed my hair too. Slightly different smell. This is probably the wet dog.”

Oh boy. Lydia kept her nose covered.

“You smell worse than death,” Astrid told him.

“Really? That’s awesome, thanks,” he said. “Maybe I should start doing this everyday?”

“No!” Both Lydia and Astrid agreed at the same time.

“I’m sure one a week is healthy enough,” Lydia confirmed. Beetlejuice’s smell wasn’t ever that bad. It was barely noticeable in the Neitherworld itself.

“Yeah, just one,” Astrid also agreed. “Just make sure you stay away from us until you dry.”

He didn’t seem to want to listen to that. He just came to the table, and plopped his slippered feet up on it. “I didn’t see that in the contract.” He bopped his feet.

Well, they were nearly done with dinner anyway.

“Feet off the table,” Astrid insisted. “This is where we eat.”

Beetlejuice pulled his feet back and stood up. “Your welcome for taking a shower.”

Lydia watched Astrid just stare at him.

“Your scent has gotten so bad, I think you corrupted our sense of smell.”

Oddly, Astrid said that with almost a smile? Come to think of it, Beetlejuice’s smell hadn’t really bothered her much after coming from the Neitherworld the first time. Until now.

He didn’t hang around long though. He rarely did. He left out of site.

Into the Neitherworld

Beetlejuice saw Wolf standing in front of him. He could have stopped the pull he felt when he was summoned, but then he’d figure out he was free. Everytime someone said his name, he could feel a slight pull. Twice, a very large pull. Three times and he was yanked. Now three pulls felt ultra strong, but it didn’t force him to move. “Hey. Did you get some papers for me?”

Wolf handed him some papers. “You’ve got a visitor that wants to talk to you.”

What? “Can’t, I can’t leave long.” No one had bothered Lydia or Astrid so far, but they could appear at any second.

“Too bad, Beetlejuice. Break for a few minutes.”

Ugh! Wolf didn’t get it. “I’ll be right back.”

Living World, Winter River.

Lydia had finished cleaning up with Astrid. It didn’t take long considering they had no water yet and they had to use plastic for everything. While they were leaving the kitchen, a familiar voice rang out-

“Oh, my darlings!”

From around the corner came Delia. She landed with both arms around her and Astrid. “Delia?”

“Oh hello!” She bounced up and down. “I told you I’d haunt you everyday, didn’t I? Movement is stranger than you think over there.”

Hm. “Did you ever get a house to haunt?”

“No. For some reason, I suppose it might be because of you and Astrid coming into the Neitherworld, or it might be Beetlejuice, but we never got that yet.” She kissed Astrid’s check. “I can’t believe a night happened in months here. Time really is weird over there.” She looked around. “I want to petition for this house, this is where we spent some decent years. We also don’t have to worry about people coming to mess it up since it’s just you two.”

“We are just here for a few months.” Beetlejuice must have brought her. “Although I am buying it now.” Great. She’d have to keep it now, she couldn’t just let them deal with new people coming in. She also couldn’t risk letting people get hurt when they moved in.

“Well, how is everything?” she asked.

“Did Beetlejuice say why he went to fetch you?” Astrid asked her.

“Oh. Um, yes. If I sense anyone that’s dead here, then I need to scream,” she said. “Otherwise, I can just enjoy the visit. Charles can’t come back yet, he’s waiting with our number. We keep coming back and forth from the waiting room, to traipsing around everywhere. Apparently until we get a house figured out.”

Beetlejuice left her like an alarm. He must have had to do something important and leave. At least he did leave them with company they knew.

“It’s great to see you again Grandma Delia.” Astrid was definitely happy. As much as Lydia didn’t always get along with Delia? Astrid was delighted.

“Oh!” Delia moved incredibly close to Lydia. “Do you think Beetlejuice will help us again?”

Help again? “Beetlejuice helped?”

“Yes, he helped me get to Charles, remember?”

Well? “He got something out of it.” He had to have. He never did anything just for free.

“Well, why not? With him having come over to me, I know you must have used his help, which would mean marriage again I imagine?” she pointed out. “Am I wrong? Aren't I family? Can I use that to manipulate him into helping us?”

Oh, that was sooo Delia. Lydia rolled her eyes. “I don’t know, Delia, can you?”

“Hey,” Delia said to her, her finger pointing straight at her. “Don’t take that attitude with me.”

“What attitude?”

“That one. That little passive aggressive bleh you just did. You always did that,” Delia said.

“He’s almost married to her. She’s considered an error wife,” Astrid told her. “She was married in the Neitherworld, but not the living world.”

“Oh, well then, you are his wife,” Delia said.

“No. It’s? I don’t know.” What was she supposed to say? “When I was sixteen, apparently part of the vow went through.”

“Ooh? Oh dear. Then . . .” Delia looked away. “You were his wife, but he wasn’t freed?”

“Yeah, but mom sort of finished and married him again,” Astrid said. “Tried to.”

“Oh? Well, if you both feel you are married, then that’s the important thing,” Delia said.

“Wow.” Really? “Just throw me to the sharks for yourself?”

“Oh come on. There’s a big difference between a sixteen year old teen, and a 52 year old finishing a marriage. He didn’t even do anything to you. I mean, he never killed anyone.”

Do anything? “I was forced into marrying him to save the Maitlands.” Geez. Dead or not dead. She didn’t change.

“Oh, honey. Please. Don’t get stressed,” Delia insisted. “I’m the one who’s dead wandering around without any destination. I really need a Son-in-Law who would help me out? Couldn’t you ask?”

Lydia just covered the side of her head. Not even alive, Delia could still give her such a headache.

Chapter Text

Neitherworld

“Security ran the footage,” Wolf said as Beetlejuice started to fill out some of the paperwork. “The area was inspected too. It looks like about 1/3 of your staff was trying to gather contracts to kill them. The other 1/3 was expecting someone else to come to get you too.”

“Yeah, I pretty much said that.” He kept filling out the papers. “After that I thought ‘hey, I’ll just flush them out a different way’. That’s when I took off for the fake marriage.”

“Yes, but I was still around. I could have helped. You didn’t mention anything to the enforcement around there, and that looks bad,” Wolf told him. “Not to mention the whole marriage, you told no one about that either. You aren’t going to the train station yet.”

Yeah, he knew that. They’d find too much evidence against that.

“You are being judged about hiding things from us, and you sent part of my officers back to the waiting room. You won’t get off scott-free either because of that.”

Yeah, he knew that. They’d find too much evidence for that.

“We have to find space in another Afterlife Call Center, or something close to it,” Wolf said. “I’ll contact you again when that’s ready.”

“You are surrounding them in the dead.”

Beetlejuice turned to see who spoke to him. “Oh, just who I wanted to see.” Astrid annoyingly wanted to see him real bad, he could feel it ever since he saved her mom outside.

She even got involved with Jeremy going to the Neitherworld because she wanted to see him.

He flipped through about twenty papers and went right towards him. “There, sign that, and I can take you to see Astrid.”

He looked at the paper. “No. You need to stop what you are doing.”

“Boy, I didn’t know Lydia married them so dumb.” It was taking all he had not to send this guy to the waiting room. There was a reason he was nowhere in sight when Lydia and Astrid went back to the living world with him last time. He was only being nice for Astrid. “Your fuck up isn’t my fuck up.”

“My beliefs,” Richard corrected him. “They need to be able to go on with their lives. They shouldn’t see the dead after they have passed.”

“Well, when you got it, flaunt it.”

That didn't cheer him up any better. “And you just ran Delia Deetz to them. The dead are supposed to find their own way to navigate.”

“Sure.” He turned him into a dog with glasses. “Teachers pet.” That was old reading. What old concepts! Newly dead could follow those ‘teachings’ if they wanted to. “You know the people who taught you that stuff, were assigned that position, to teach that shit. It’s words from a mouth that was placed there.”

He wasn’t dissuaded. He just turned himself back to his normal eaten by piranhas self. Yeah, he was even following every rule about display too. Not everything could disappear, but the dead could change their own appearance slightly once they learned enough.

Once again, it was taught. Accept yourself for who you are. He could at least get rid of the fishes gnawing at him. He changed him into a dog, to see if he could change fully back himself. To see if he really followed the whole philosophy or was just a weak spirit.

Some were naturally weak spirits. Power and limit ranged differently from manifestation to manifestation.

If he was weak, he could just give him a boost, but he fully changed back into the fish guy attached with fishes again.

“You’ve been staying with them. You brought them over to the Neitherworld again. All of these are against the rules.”

“I don’t follow rules.” Be nice for Astrid. He had a limit though.

“Yes, it is. I know that Lydia can see ghosts,” Richard said. “That is life interrupting enough. You can’t break the rules anymore.”

“Yeah, I can, Fish Breath.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Yeah, I can!” Limit reached. He didn’t have a very high ‘nice’ limit, but at least he tried. He pulled Wolf’s phone toward him from Wolf’s pocket with his juice, threw open Lydia’s profile and showed him. “See that! She’s been married to me this whole time! Your whole thou shall not . . .” Yeah, he was a demon, he couldn’t say that. “You know, the covet thing.”

Richard looked at it. “Error wife?”

“Yep, she belongs to the Neitherworld. So does my daughter. According to your beliefs, your going to hell.”

“My daughter Astrid?”

“My daughter Astrid.”

“Hang on, hang on.” Wolf regrabbed his thing. “Don’t just yank that away, Beetlejuice! And you?” He gestured to Richard. “Don’t pick fights with older ghosts, didn’t you read that?”

“Yeah, didn’t you read that?” Beetlejuice rubbed in his face.

“I am not here to fight,” Richard said. “I want you to stop messing with my family.”

Argh, new ghosts! He probably just thought Beetlejuice juiced up that as fake information. “Just, sign. Just, see your daughter. Neither one will kill you.” He’s already dead. “Neither one would hurt you or your soul. Right, Officer Wolf Jackson?”

Wolf looked as annoyed as him now, having to stop and give advice to a new ghost. He groaned. “In this case, you’d be fine,” Wolf said to Richard. “You have an older ghost watching over your actions. As long as you don’t give proof of life after death.”

“No.”

Stingy bastard.

“Just let them live their life the way they are.”

“The way they are, they’ll be dead soon without me,” Beetlejuice pointed out. “Sign the fucking form already.”

“If they die? Then, it’s their time,” Richard reasoned.

Wait a minute? “And people call me a selfish motherfucker. You want them to die?”

“If they are meant to come here, then they will come here,” Richard said. “If they aren’t, then they will figure it out for themselves and survive.”

“That same logic means that people should be left out there on those crazy New York streets without any protection from any police.” Wolf even had to get in on that. “Women holding their children and their purses getting mugged and hurt, elderly needing assistance to get around, two year old children walking down the streets with no homes and no doors. Well, I don’t want to live in a world like that. It’s messed up enough. We all gotta do our part to make it in this crazy world.”

Beetlejuice gave him applause. It’s what Wolf would have wanted from his assistant. That and it would piss Richard off. He flaunted the contract in his face in a back and forth motion with his juice. “Sign.”

“I won’t,” Richard insisted.

“Look? I’ve been doing this really impossible thing for me, for Astrid. You know, not a whole lotta family left that hadn’t crossed into the soul train yet.” None actually. For a long time. “It’s called being ‘kind’, and I am way passed my limit. If you don’t sign that contract, I will make you sign that contract.”

“This contract?” Richard picked it up and read some of it. “Gives you full control over Lydia’s soul through some sham marriage.”

“It’s not a sham. It’s an eternity marriage,” Wolf once again had to explain to the newbie. Oh, what a sigh from him. “This isn’t my job, I’m an actor!” He yelled once. “Eternity marriage is marriage that is into death. Earthly marriage often ends when one dies. That’s where the ‘til death do you part’ comes in. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes they die and end up together still through their sheer love.” He took another breath. “If they want to get officially remarried in the afterlife, then they go through eternity marriage. The process is long and arduous. No one can sham it. It binds them together from the afterlife, to on the same trail on the soul train, and no, before you ask, he cannot send her to hell, Lydia Deetz is too good.”

“Nice job, Wolf.” Better than what he would say next. “She’s mine, not yours.”

“Through some sham wedding when she was sixteen,” Richard came back with.

“Still legal here,” Beetlejuice said. “Wolf? I don’t have time for this all day, I need to get back.”

“Do I look like I have time?” Wolf countered. “Explaining things to new spirits is not my job.”

Yeah, it was annoying. At least his pennance was never that.

“Look!” Now Wolf was upset. “If you don’t sign it this way, then you’ll have to get your ex-wife and ex-daughter involved.”

“You don’t ex daughters,” Richard said to him. “Family is family.”

“If you don’t want them to have to come back to the Neitherworld, then you need to sign that. Otherwise you are doing exactly what you didn’t want. Dragging them deeper into here,” Wolf reasoned with him. “They are currently in a huge predicament on their side, I don’t recommend the added stress.”

“No.”

That’s it! “They are mine!”

“My wife and daughter aren’t objects for some demon!” Richard shouted back to him.

Damn. This ghost wanted the impossible.

“You don’t want the Neitherworld involved with them, but you won’t sign these papers, which will make us, by the very rules of this place, bring them here to sign different papers with you.” Wolf said it out loud. “You can’t get both, it’s an oxymoron you moron! You not signing brings them here.”

“Me signing gives them away to some demon.” Richard just looked at Wolf like he was ashamed of him.

“They are already away. They are living,” Wolf reminded him again. “Your marriage was only legal in the living world. It was never legal in the Neitherworld, she was already married in this one.”

“It was over before that too,” Beetlejuice had to point out. “Lydia Deetz hasn’t loved you in some time.”

“How can you call yourself any kind of law source, when you are telling me to sign my family over to a demon for eternity?” Richard questioned him.

Wolf actually grabbed the moron and throttled him. Gave him a good throttle around the neck since he couldn’t die again. “Because your marriage is fake! It was his connection and her connection, and you just got twisted into it psychologically! They have such a tight connection, they’ve literally been haunting him! Not only that, but your daughter is only physically yours! Spiritually, she was conceived with the connection!” He let go of him, making him stumble backwards. “And I’m in law enforcement, but I’m a damn B Movie Action Star first before anything else!”

“Hell yeah!” Beetlejuice gave him a large clap with a huge audience sound and whistles behind Wolf. It sounded like ten thousand claps from a crowd.

That would make Wolf feel better, so he could stick around longer for the bullshit.

“Spiritually?” Richard questioned. “What’s that mean?”

“It means the Neitherworld doesn’t have you as an option for father, they follow the spiritual track,” Wolf said, now simmered down again since he got his audience’s applause. “Look? I know my part to play in the Neitherworld. You know your part. That’s it, that’s all we get. Information on our parts, so it’s just a guess, but I’ve seen enough, it’s a pretty good guess. People are more than just a body. When they die, they have none. What we are is just traces of what we used to be. We made these. We became these. What this is? I guess soul, but it has nothing to do with genes. Not the color of the eyes or the color of our skin. What that substance is? Is connected to Beetlejuice. You have the physical connection to Astrid Deetz. Beetlejuice has the soul connection. I have wasted so much time on this guy.”

“Yeah, I’ll buy you a drink after this,” Beetlejuice promised. He was making poor Wolf Jackson do a lot of outside work he wasn’t responsible for, but he couldn’t get this without assistance. He wasn’t allowed back into the Neitherworld yet by himself.

“An eternity marriage doesn’t mean you can’t see them,” Wolf tried again. “We are even offering for you to see them again. They can see ghosts, it’s possible. Lydia Deetz was even raised by a pair of ghosts.”

Richard didn’t answer again.

“I’m not wasting anymore time on you.” This guy wanted both. He wanted to follow the philosophies of the Neitherworld, while also dragging them back. It was hard to tell whether he wanted them to die so he could have them again, or whether they burnt the philosophy that hard into his head like some cult thing. “Save him for last, Wolf. I need to get back.”

“You need to stop-”

He just sealed his mouth shut tight with yarn. No more dealing with him. “Let’s get back already.”

“You need to stop this!”

Ooh, Richard did have stronger magic.

“I will find a way to keep them safe from a demon.”

The guy missed the whole point. Caught up on definitions.

“What would you do if it was your family?” Richard asked Wolf.

“You. You’ve got blinders on,” Wolf answered. “I feel sorry for you. We’ve both been trying to be polite, and for Beetlejuice, that was a damed miracle.” He sighed. “You’ll see later. When she's around at the same time as him. You are dead. You can’t miss it. I am taking you back, I have wasted enough time here.”

“Got it, Boss.” He was ready.

Delia screamed.

“Hey.” Beetlejuice showed up right next to Delia. “Good alarm.”

“Oh, hello again.” Delia tried to be charismatic to get what she wanted. “Son-in-Law, could you help me?”

“The fuck?”

“We are trying to get a chance to get a home to haunt. Could you help your Father-in-law and I get this one?” Delia gestured around her.

"Uuhh." He glanced toward Astrid. "What's this bitch's problem?"

“Grandma needs help,” Astrid said to him. “She’s been wandering around without any house to haunt yet.”

“Well, she wanted taken to Chuck,” Beetlejuice said. “That messed things up. Office hates paperwork.” He held up his own papers. “I gotta get these filled out.”

“Wait, don’t send me away!” Delia grabbed at him. “Yes, I want to stay with Charles, but I don’t want to waste my whole life, or afterlife, or whatever just wandering around! Help me fix this! Please?!”

Beetlejuice looked toward Astrid. “Man, she’s loud.”

“She’s Grandma Delia,” Astrid said to him. “She’s always loud. You’ll have to get used to that if you are joining in the family.”

“Look, clearly you needed me for a short time? I can still do that. I can scream when I sense someone?” Delia insisted. “Maybe if I just stay here, this will eventually become the place? Is there like some squatter rights or something?”

Beetlejuice rubbed his head.

“You and mom are being twins right now,” Astrid said.

Lydia removed her hand from her head. “Delia. Maybe if you just stay in the waiting room, instead of coming back and forth, someone will eventually come?”

“Nah.” Beetlejuice denied that. “Alright. It's gonna be months, but fine. In exchange, you need to help me.” He started to give her some papers. “Besides an impromtu alarm, I need a half living, half Neitherworld wedding. You can help with the shitty details that I don't want to fucking touch.”

“Ooh, a wedding!” She was way overexcited. “I get to help plan?” She looked toward Lydia. “We need at least 100,000. Maybe 200,000.”

“You better be talking in a different currency,” Lydia said back. No way was she spending that on a wedding, especially a wedding she didn't want in the first place..

“No, no, we are doing this right. I get to help plan this one,” Delia insisted. “It's going to be so beautiful.”

“Rules are right on the papers,” he said.

Oh. Sure. Just sooo excited about planning a marriage, not why or what it means! “Delia.”

“Don't worry, I know,” Delia said to her. “Everything will be run by you before final decisions, don't worry.” She was already starting to read through it. “I have never been through the shopping area of the Neitherworld.”

“You’ll come and go getting picked up and dropped off,” Beetlejuice said. “I just need to get you approved.”

“Right. How old are you?” Delia straight out asked. “I get this feeling you are at least over 200? 300?”

“Uh, I forgot. Black Plague was a thing,” Beetlejuice said.

“Ooh, you are old!” Delia looked over toward her. “Age is even more important than money over there, you really did well for yourself.”

Delia! “This marriage only happens if I can't pay for his services.”

“Oh.” She looked so sad. “Why?”

Why? “I am soooo sorry that I won't be having your dream wedding unless I get busted.”

Delia just gestured to her. “Is she an idiot?”

“Living can't feel shit the same way,” he said to her.

“Oh.” Delia shrugged. “Well? I know it's strange, but just go with it. Don't take this the wrong way, but you will be better off if you do get busted. I hope he is overpricing everything.”

Ugh. “Trust me, he is.” What the hell? She knew Delia loved money and the chance to show off, but literally to say something like that to her?

“He’s already blackmailing her for dates,” Astrid added.

“Oh, well that's good,” Delia agreed. “You aren't dead, Astrid?”

Lydia watched her move up closer to Astrid, examining her like she’d never seen her before. “No, Astrid’s not dead.”

“But you feel it?” Delia said to Astrid. “Oh! Oh dear, I didn't get that at first.”

Lydia didn't understand anything, and usually, she was the expert on communication with ghosts! Why was Delia fawning over Astrid?

“Then will you be staying for awhile?” Astrid asked her.

“Until I find time for approval,” Beetlejuice answered for her. “It’ll be a bit. My help is burnt out from helping today.” He shook his finger which set itself on fire. "Shit. I'm burnt out too."

“Oh, that's fine. I can spend some time with my family,” Delia insisted as she hugged Astrid.

“Right.” Astrid looked toward Beetlejuice. “You could bring my grandmother back over. Can you do that with my dad Richard?”

Oh, Richard wouldn’t want that. He made it clear that he didn’t want to bother in their lives.

“I already tried,” Beetlejuice said to her. “Sometimes?” He gestured to Delia. “Ghosts have no problem going against the grain. Usually the assholes or the bitchy kind like that.”

“Hey!” Delia complained as he pointed at her.

“Others? They get really bogged down in rules and right and wrong,” he told Astrid. “If he sees you, it won’t be pleasant.”

Astrid looked down. “Yeah. I thought he might still not want to see us.”

“Ghosts do what they feel is right,” Lydia told her trying to make her feel better. “Your father just wants you to live a normal life.”

“Sure.” Astrid didn’t sound pleasant. That didn’t surprise Lydia. “Funny, isn’t it? I have one dead dad that doesn’t want to see me alive, and another dead dad that’s doing his best to keep me alive.”

Dad?! She did not just mean Beetlejuice, did she?

“One that was really nice,” Astrid continued. “One that’s a real asshole. One that tried to be there for me sometimes. One that was there for me when no one else had been. One that smells like fish. One that smells like wet dog.”

There was no way. Why was she comparing like that? Okay, technically she was married to Beetlejuice, but that didn’t translate into her suddenly becoming his daughter. Beetlejuice must be flipping-?

He wasn’t flipping out at all. How come? There for her sometimes. There for her all the time. The second pattern she was using for Beetlejuice, how could he be there when no one else could? He was never alive to her. She didn’t even know him a full two days ago! Lydia watched her daughter move toward the bathroom. She had even started to cry? “What are you doing to my daughter, Beetlejuice?” What kind of mad trickery was he using on Astrid?

Chapter Text

He should not be feeling this way now. Astrid actually said it out loud though. Acknowledged it. Fuck yeah, someone got it! On the other side of that, Lydia now looked like he was the one in charge of the manipulation.

“Oh, it isn’t what you think-” Delia started.

“Button it, Delia.” Lydia clearly wasn’t in the mood. “You are getting paid, a lot, to help. So what are you doing to my daughter?”

He scratched the inside of his ear. She wouldn’t get it. Not yet. “Married you, didn’t I?”

“Nuh uh.” She moved closer to him. “She was pairing things with you one sentence away from the other. You smell like the wet dog. You are definitely the asshole. So then, you were the one that was there for her when no one else had been. How did you do that in two days? Actually, not even two. We were attacked at supper yesterday, and it’s supper today. Really just a day. A single day.”

“You haunted me in your highest highs and lowest lows,” he said again. He’d said it more than once, but it wasn’t clicking to that living brain of hers. “It’s not words, it’s a feeling. The lowest lows happen when someone is left behind. When they can’t share things. From secrets to concerts you missed, I was there for her.”

“So these ghosts of us are like, what, conduits?” Lydia asked.

“Sure, think of them that way if you want,” he said. Then? Major distraction. To the left. Around the top. It wouldn’t take long for them to get located.

He disappeared to the one on the left, and snuck up on him, bashing his skull in with an oversized hammer. That sent him back as an escort. He went to the top of the house, and caught the other by surprise too.

Then he went back in. “I made another 5,000 just now.”

She just scoffed. “You have a decent amount, more than enough.”

“Yeah, but I still gotta note it. Can’t just say things when I reach 500,000 can I?” She wouldn’t believe him.

“Lydia, your grumpy.” Delia pointed toward the walk to her dark room. “To your room.”

“I don't have to listen to you Delia. This is my house. I am buying it.”

Ooooh. Yeah. Quiet soft spoken Lydia. Delia was a key, as well as seeing Astrid distressed. Before he brought her into the model, he had to do something else with her.

But before Lydia?

What was wrong with her? The connections. It was like it was getting stronger. It almost felt like Beetlejuice should be called Dad, but she hadn't met him very long ago.

But that connection between them.

Meanwhile the man she treated like her dad, didn't even want to see her again. It was making her all frustrated.

There was a knock at her door. “I don’t want to talk to anyone.” There was another knock. Maybe it was Grandma Delia? “Who is it?”

“A wet dog.”

He can knock? She got up off the bed and answered. “What?” What a weird outfit for him. “I don’t need a therapist.”

“I don’t know about that one. This is the best I can do. Can I come in?”

“Are you like a vampire where you have to ask?” she kidded him. “Sorry I called you a wet dog and an asshole.”

“Don’t be, both fit me.” He smelled under his armpit. “Lean toward garbage more than wet dog though.”

She moved and let him in. The fact he was knocking and didn’t just appear deserved some manners.

“Okay, so?” He turned away, then faced her again. “Let’s talk about your lower classed dad.”

“What’s there to talk about?” Astrid grunted.

“Lots. I hate him. He sucks. He’s making my death really hard right now,” he said. “He’s an annoying new spirit that won’t break any rules and he secretly hopes you two die before this job finishes out.”

What?

“He’s trying to save you, from me,” Beetlejuice answered. “The term demon, it gets a lot of people worked up. He’s scared I’m trying to steal you away. Which he’s right to be. I am.”

For a second, Astrid smiled. Then, she shook her head. “Mom’s talked about ghosts before. Her philosophy is just honor their wishes and let them do their thing. I’m trying to, but if we are already surrounded by the Neitherworld anyhow, then he could at least come by and say hi.”

“Even though his death isn’t brand new,” Beetlejuice said to that, “he’s still new. He is in the stage called Most Annoying Assholes. They’ve been around long enough to get the strings and how they work. They aren’t old enough to know how to pull them around, and death, requires a lot of pulling around.”

Right. “How come he wasn’t in a house? I thought everyone got a house? You said Grandma got pulled away by you, but he wasn’t involved.”

“Oh yeah he was,” Beetlejuice disagreed. “His home would have been your home. Your mom sees ghosts. He doesn’t want to interrupt her life? As soon as he spotted you, he’d got you guys out too. Made it more troublesome for me. He doesn’t want the worlds to mesh.”

“So then, where does he stay?” He had to stay somewhere.

“You saw him. If he had good reason to reject a house, and something like a psychic that can see or feel ghosts can count, then he can get a different destination. Either that or a fucking strike again. I don’t know.”

Yeah, but? “Do you mean, he just stays there? All the time?”

“Eh, he probably gets hours off. Might have a place to rest, might have a bed in there.” He shrugged. “I don’t know, immigration’s not my area.”

“So, there’s still things you don’t understand about the afterlife?”

“Yeah. Tons,” he admitted, “because I don’t need to know it. Nobody gets to know everything. You learn your part, and then you can learn about different things as time goes by, but it’s not afterlife changing. I prefer learning about living over dying.”

“Yet, you kill the living,” she pointed out.

“I like the living world over the Neitherworld,” he corrected himself. “I like some living.”

Astrid sat back on her bed. “Me and mom.”

“Pretty much.”

“Will my Dad Richard ever get over not wanting to see the living?” she had to ask. “Will this always be a thing?”

“You might see him. It’ll be for the eternity marriage. He might say a loooot of shit about me.” He shrugged. “It’s probably all true, who knows. To some I’m nothing. To others I’m legendary.” He headed more toward the door. “After that, you probably won’t see him until your actually dead, unless he changes his mind. Beliefs though, they are almost impossible to change.”

Beliefs. “What do you believe?” She looked back and he was gone. Left without warning, but at least he came in with warning. That was . . . progress.

It’s all going downhill again. Lydia did go to her room. Not because Delia said so, but because she knew Delia wouldn’t bother her there. All of the progress she had made with Astrid, it was starting to slide. Now Astrid was mad at Richard too, and saddling closer to Beetlejuice of all people.

She reached in her pocket. Contracts from the show. She took out her pills. Hiring Beetlejuice to live. She opened the bottle. Being luggage. Confusing Astrid. Half married. Buying this house way over asking price, and now, Delia has shoved herself back into my life too! Making an expensive wedding I don’t even need unless I go bankrupt funding that demon!

Then, she noticed a strange green glowing fog around the room. Of course. She put her pills back away. Why not? She had more antics to deal with. “What is it?” Her voice sounded different. She touched her neck. What was that?

“Hey.”

She turned and saw the entire model in her room, with him right in it. Are you kidding me? Her room? Her room?! It was her only sanctuary away from reality. “The model stays upstairs, why did you move it?” She touched her throat again. Yeah, there was something different. She looked at the mirror she was sitting next to.

He didn’t. That. “I’m sixteen.” He did not. She went toward the model to find his grave. He was sitting between headstones, looking at papers. “Change me back.”

“Sure,” he said offhandedly. “After you tell me some things.”

Ugh. “I really need a break.”

“It’s all for Astrid.” He wasn’t looking at her yet, he was still looking at papers. “If Astrid’s name wasn’t on these contracts, would you have called me?”

Oh. “I don’t know.”

“Liar.” The papers in his hands were gone now. He poofed up an old red telephone. “You know how to call. Everyone does.” He dropped it on the ground, letting it crash. “Still doing it, aren’t ya?”

Doing it? “What?”

“What were you wanting when we first met?” he said. “It wasn’t to hang out and talk with the ghost with the most.”

Lydia crossed her arms.

“You’d never call my name, if it wasn’t for Astrid.” He got off the headstones.

Lydia heard her young voice echo around her.

“I want in.” It kept echoing.

“Remember that?” he said. “Do you know what that was from?”

“Yes.” When she was sixteen and they first met. He told her he wanted out, and she said that she wanted in.

“You still want in. It’s as plain as day.” He stepped farther from the gravestones. “Only thing holding you back is that you read a lot of material from the Maitlands probably after I died. You know what happens with suicide. Not nearly as much fun.”

What was the deal he wanted already? “I’m not doing that.”

“Right. You’ve also got Astrid, but look around.”

Lydia looked around her room. Her bed. Her sheets. Her curtains.

Her mildewy looking floors. Her tattered by design wallpaper with cobwebs and spiders. Some of her jewelry still hung out. It wasn’t typical jewelry. Often silver and grey with symbols like pentagrams or things like spiders and . . . and one sitting right in the middle of them, had a beetle on it.

“I’ve been in this room more than once.” He shrugged. “I had to. I wanted to remember why you were worth it.”

“Freedom not to go to hell should be easy to remember,” she said.

“I didn’t even think about that back then,” he said. “I was just thinking ‘out’. I’d been thinking ‘out’. Then, along comes an opportunity of a lifetime. You.”

Why were they talking about her like some great treasure again? It was the same song and dance.

“What do you think would’ve happened that time?” he asked. “If Barbara and Adam hadn’t been coming in. If you said it.”

His name three times. “I don’t know.”

“This.”

Chapter Text

Lydia looked around. Oh no, he didn’t! He didn’t pull her into his grave, he made her small and pulled her into the model. “Get me out.” He was pushing it. “Get me out, and change me back.”

“I was trying to hang out with you. I didn’t try the marriage yet, need a favor to be as big as what’s given. I was gonna pull you in here. Then, I was gonna spin you around and do something neat for you. Want to know what?” He looked at her hand. “Can I touch your hand?”

Lydia felt stuck, but she was already stuck in the model. “Fine.”

As soon as she said that, he grabbed her, spun her not just once, but twice. Somehow she kept her balance. Then?

She had a new outfit. Not a wedding dress of any kind. It was literally.

Red. Cobwebbing.

She was so impressed and entranced that for just a little while, she forgot her situation. She forget to stay annoyed and mad. She forgot to be worried. “This is so radical.” Just for a minute. She touched the material, it really was cobwebbing. “This is amazing.” Then, she noticed her voice changed again. It was back to her regular voice.

The outfit still fit, but she’d been changed back to her regular age again.

“Anyone else would have been shrieking. Being covered in cobwebs. Endless shrills, just Aaaah! Complaining about the feel of the stickiness. You, Babe?” He pointed. “You’d rather have this than any other fancy outfit.”

She watched him disappear and reappear next to her.

“Let’s see if I’m two for two.”

She felt herself getting spun again. When she stopped, she didn’t see anything change in the model. But, when she looked outward?

This time, the changes were melting around the room. He added dashes of the red cobweb in her old wallpaper. That tiny bit of red around the room. She felt something on the dress change and saw one layer of black spiderwebbing on top of it.

Nothing ever looked so beautiful. “I love spiders.”

“I know.”

He knew?

“Highest highs too. Spiders and beetles. You made me so hungry all the time.”

For a long time, she had thought about doing something for a career with spiders. “This place used to be filled with them. At first. Eventually, the exterminators Delia insisted upon wittled them away over the years. Most of them were gone by the time I went to college.” She looked at the dress again.

Then, her eyes caught the illumination in her room. There was a source of light. Green and blue. Her room illuminated in a whole new way with the added light. “The old crystal ball I bought.” It was reflecting that light like crazy. Her jewelry danced in the light too, a sparkle to it that she somehow seemed to lose when she brought it home.

It was dark, but lightly illuminated, and that color just brought out the details so much more. “It’s so creepy and fun.” She heard a snap of the fingers.

“Yeah. You had the right idea, but you needed a touch of juice,” he teased. “That’s what I would have done. Impressed you so hard, you couldn’t help but say my name over and over. Until.”

Yeah, his ultimate goal. “You just had to rush it.” Then, she realized what that just sounded like! “I mean-”

“If I hadn’t rushed, you would have given me a chance?!”

“No way. I never said that.” She walked backwards, away. “I was young and impressionable.”

“Then you admit it. You wished you would have said it,” he said again.

“I wasn’t even thinking about boyfriends back then,” she told him. “It would have been a fun adventure with a ghost. In the end, it really wouldn’t have mattered.” She crossed her arms. “The exorcism still would have happened, and you still would have grabbed me for a quick wedding to save the Maitlands.”

“No, I wouldn’t have.”

“Sure.”

“I wouldn’t have. If you lit up just like you did now?” He just stared at her. “Lydia Deetz. You’ve got no idea how long I waited to see you smile.”

Smile? Was she smiling?

“Ya See? You are alive and I am dead as fuck all. Chances you would decide to keep calling on a dead guy you didn’t know for your problems. Infinitely almost zero. Someone’s life would have to be at stake. So, to get you, I needed that wedding. However. If I had done all of this for you first. Then saved the Maitlands and just asked for a date? Don’t you think, you would’ve kept calling my name?”

How. Strange. She’d never seen it that way before. If he did all of this for me. Never tried to marry me quickly. Would I have? She looked toward him. It was hard to say. “The Maitlands said you were a demon later on.”

“You never had a chance to talk to the Maitlands yet back then. And!” He held up his index finger. “Yours truly would have just saved them.”

Well? It was still hard to say. He’s growing mold on his face and neck. He had such dark areas around his eyes. He never smells that fresh. He walks bowlegged or strangely half the time. But? None of these would have stopped me from seeing him as a friend. “I think maybe we could have been friends.”

“Right! And right there is the seeds that start a relationship, which would have budded the wedding,” he said with a half whine.

Still? “The Maitlands were very close to me. I don’t think they’d let you get very far with me back then.”

“Hm. Maybe,” he decided. “Maybe not. I’m not the only bad influence.”

Then. She saw her original clothes in his hands. With him sticking his hands in the pockets.

“I guess we’ll never know exactly back then,” he said. “But, there’s no reason you can’t give me that chance now?”

“What are you doing with those?” He needed to give them back. “Beetlejuice.”

“Ah, ah, call me away and something might attack. I did just take out two enemies. Besides, what’s the big deal?” He reached in her pocket and pulled out a rattle snake. “Just a little rattler, right?” The snake coughed up the pill bottle into his other hand before it slithered off him and away. "Is that considered poison or venom?"

Shit. “They are anxiety pills.”

“Sure, and I’m headed to the Pearly Gates.” He tossed them up and made them disappear.

“I hadn’t touched them for a long time.” He better not tell. “Things just got stressful.” That wasn’t a lie. She was trying to be better for Astrid and herself ever since she got back from saving Astrid in the Neitherworld. She just . . . slipped a little.

Then she really slipped like she was on ice! Beetlejuice reached for her hand, keeping her from falling.

“Get it yet?” he simply said.

He pulled her back up. I? I can’t believe that, can I? “You want me to believe, that you care, from the bottom of your heart about my troubles?” It was something she wanted to believe, but even if he had become a friend? “You always have another goal. If we became friends, you would have still gone for marriage.”

“Well, yeah.”

“Because the friendship would still be just a step toward that goal.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” She pulled her hand away. “Friends are friends because they want to be, not because they get things from each other.”

“Wrong.” He pointed at her. “Friends get the mutual benefit of keeping each other from being miserable. It makes getting through their shitty life and shitty deaths easier.” He gestured to her. “I would totally be a friend.”

Uh huh. “Just a friend?”

“Sure. That eventually turns into a friend with benefits. I am allll about the benefits.”

He really just snorted. “You want me to take you as a friend, and forget that your ultimate goal is an eternity marriage or benefits.”

“No,” he said. “There's no or. Where’s the Or?”

Lydia winced. “You don’t get an eternity marriage and benefits.” Wait, maybe this was a way in to finally getting him to reveal his more pigheaded self again? So far since she met him since her father’s funeral, he hadn’t done one actual perverted thing. “Friends with benefits means going with different people. Eternity marriage would be just me. For eternity. No kissing or hugging or anything on anyone different.”

“Oh, that wasn’t what I meant.”

Come on. Mess it up. “Then what did you mean?”

“What else?” He started to lean toward her. “If I lose an eternity marriage with you, then I’m not gonna complain if you want to stay friends with benefits.” He spread his hands out like he was calling a strike. “No complaining at all, would seal this yap shut.” He zipped his lips. “Sho?”

That wasn’t what she was trying to get out of him. Some perversion yes, but not enough, and only generated toward her. “Yeah, but that’d be boring after awhile, right? The same person for eternity. A guy like you probably doesn’t really want strapped to-”

He unzipped his lips. “I haven’t touched anyone else since I almost married ya.”

Uh? That’s got to be a lie.

"Almost. Okay not completely, but just at first. I was figuring out our connection. Once I had it, I swear, pure husband material, all the way, Babe."

He looked genuine. No. I. “You were on a whore house when I first met you.” There's no way he gave that all up.

“You know? It makes me tear up how much you remember about our first meeting.” He pretended to wipe away a tear. “It really was such a special day, Lyd-”

“Stop!” Really? “Who do you think you are fooling? I’m not sixteen anymore. I know your true goals.” Seriously. “Answer me a question?”

“Sure, Babe.”

“What is the most helpful thing you’ve ever done for another person, without getting anything in return?”

He paused a moment. “Alive or in death?”

“The nicest thing you ever did, that had no benefit to you, alive or death.” Why not give him both options? Maybe he had some semblance of genuine kindness back then.

He was quiet. His eyes were moving around, as well as his mouth quirking around. He was looking up to the left, and to the right. Bopping his head some. A couple of mutters. He was clearly trying to think really hard.

There wasn’t going to be an answer though.

“I lied to my mother,” he finally said.

Well, that was about right. “The nicest thing you ever did was lie to your mother?”

“Uh, yeah.”

Oh, she’d regret this. “Why is that considered nice?”

“She was able to finally move to The Great Beyond.”

Um? “I don’t understand.” He zapped a book in front of her. A copy of the Handbook for the Recently Deceased. Pages were left open in front of her.

Wow, it was so much easier to read it now. It used to read like stereo instructions. “They finally upgraded it?”

“Eh, every couple hundred years or so.”

Lydia looked at the pages in front of her. Oh. “Did she stay off the train because of you?”

“Yep, but that’s as far as we are going tonight for that.” He closed the book.

His mom. He did mention her once, right before he started to combust. She thought it was a flyby joke. “Did you tell her you were going to The Great Beyond? Did she know what happened with your ex-wife?”

“Oh yeah.” He said it like it was nothing. “Totally supported hacking up that bitch of a woman.”

Then? “She knew you killed someone, and thought you’d go to The Great Beyond? There really aren’t any punishments for murder down here.”

“Well, it looks like we’ve got some stuff to talk about on our dates-ah.” He smirked. “Learning sessions I mean. When do you want to start those?”

“Not tonight.” Definitely not tonight. He juiced her regular clothes back on her and then back to her normal size again.

“I made progress today,” he said to her. “Pretty sure I did. I did right?”

Progress. “I don’t know.”

“Come on, Babe.”

“Beetlejuice.” Would he ever stop that?

“Babe, admit it.”

“Admit what?”

“I made some serious progress tonight.”

“Not as much as you think.”

“Seriously, Babe.”

“Stop with the Babe, Beeeee . . . tsh.” Shoot. She was looking for something to annoy him with, but she couldn’t think of anything. I haven’t been this petty as to name call for a long time. She glanced back toward him and saw him. He was so excited. “What?”

“Babe!” He held his arms out. “You just made my decade. You gave me a nickname. Beej.”

Nickname? “I tried to make fun of you. I think that whole sixteen thing again messed me up.” Really messed up. “I didn’t say Beej.”

He gestured to himself. “Beej.” He gestured toward her. “Babe.”

Noo! “I am not fond of that name, and I am not calling you Beej. We are not-”

“We so are. You’ll see. On our date tomorrow, you’ll see.” He held up a huge wedding cake over his head with figures that looked like him and her on the top. “Eternity marriage is our future.” Then the figurines started to make out. “Or friends with benefits, I’m getting there too. Won’t be mad if it starts that way.”

“Oh, you are soo far from that.” She looked at the model. “Take this back upstairs.”

“Sure, sure,” he agreed easily. “Real progress though.” The cake disappeared. “Keep that smile out more often, Lydia. It suits you.” The model set disappeared.

Her smile. It was true, she hadn’t smiled a lot for some time. Maybe if I had said it back then, something else would have happened. She looked down at her clothes, thinking about that beautiful red cobwebbing.

And saw herself dressed up in a a neon green and black tuxedo with smiles? Beetlejuice.

Chapter Text

So. Annoying. Rebecca dealt with enough crap every day, all the time. There was never a break, but the guest reached the point where they wouldn’t stop knocking on her window. She opened it up. “What already?!”

“Hello.” Oh, now he found some manners. “I need some help. I have a demon that is in pursuit of my family.”

“Uh huh. Who cares. Your dead. Not like he can kill ‘em.”

“Well, they aren’t dead,” he said. “He is in pursuit into their world.”

She started to file her fingernails, to piss him off. “Live family isn’t family.” They don’t experience anything they had to deal with. “Get out already.”

“It’s a demon after a live family,” he tried again. “Isn’t there anything I can do? He’s convinced them that they need him to survive some contracts. He shouldn’t be bothering the living.”

A demon. “Scary or fucking annoying demon?” It was probably Beetlejuice. Like she’d forget that damn name, he was sooo annoying lately.

“His name is Beetlejuice,” he said.

Yeah. “Yeah, he’s a fucking pain in the ass.” His family. “I bet your family is his luggage.”

“What?”

“Yeah. He qualified them as luggage to get them in. They are missing though.”

“They aren’t missing.”

“Well, he said his luggage is missing,” she said. “Doesn’t matter. You do not want to screw with that guy. Get mad at his ass, and just deal with it.”

“I’m not scared of the demon,” he said. “I won’t be. I need to keep him away. He’ll threaten their afterlife. Can’t I do something?”

Yeah, but hell no. She wasn’t going to do anything for this guy.

“Can you help me with something?”

Noooo. He knew the words he had to ask. Her fucking job would make her have to help him, if he specifically asked.

“What is your name?”

Ugh. “Rebecca.” She was bound to give her name.

“Rebecca. Can you help me?”

What a bastard. He called out for help by name, now she had to help with whatever she had. Damn it, he was new but not new enough. That rule wasn’t easily found in the handbook. “Someone is coming up, and they want his soul. Take a seat and wait to talk to them. It’s a woman who has staples keeping their body together.” She added a light smile. Maybe this guy would just get his soul sucked by her.

Oh shit. She might too. She wasn’t a very manageable person. She closed her window again as she called up requesting for a replacement early. Then, she made the call for the special cases area to send Delores inside. Eventually everyone had to get processed and she would eventually have to make that call. Since she died once again after breaking several rules of sucking souls, there were more limits on her now.

Still, it was better not to risk her soul as much. At least this way she’d have a better shot at making it through.

She locked her window. She also hid under her seat. There were no rules about hiding underneath her seat. It was one of the things that sucked about being a secretary. The people waiting, sometimes, could be truly scary.

Richard took a seat. Dying was one thing. It was terrible, and it would be hard on them. But, a demon seizing them as luggage. Stealing Lydia’s eternity. No, he had to do something.

He waited for some time. There was really no way to know how much time passed, but eventually a woman came in with staples in her face. He presented himself when she came in. “I want to save my family from Beetlejuice, can you help me?”

She stared at him for a little while, as if she was thinking whether she wanted to answer. “Who are you?”

“Richard. I died some time ago, but my family is still alive. Beetlejuice is around them though, trying to destroy their eternity. They are in danger, and there is a good chance it could kill them. But. It’s better to die, than get damned for eternity with a demon.”

She reached out toward him, touching his shoulder, and going down his arm. “I was his wife, Richard. You see the way I died? He did that. He axed me to death.”

Oh, terrible! “He’s not someone that should be around Lydia or Astrid.”

“I tried to get him. I died again, and now there are more rules on me,” she said bitterly. “It won’t be as easy to get to him. If you help me get to him, I will help save your family.” She tried to smile.

Oh. “What are your limits, and how can I help?” he asked.

“Let’s go see.” She took him by his arm.

“Sorry about the piranhas,” he said politely. He didn’t want them swishing beside her.

She knocked on the secretary’s window.

“Just take a number!” She heard from the inside.

She knocked on the window again. The sound of scurrying away was heard along with ‘another 100 years then!’.

She waited for someone else to come to the window.

Eventually, someone came. They didn’t talk to her, simply gave her some papers, and closed the window door again.

She took the papers away and came back toward him. “I can’t use my magic more than once every three hours.”

“That shouldn’t be too bad,” Richard cheered her up.

“I’ll be a defenseless woman without my power,” she said. “To take care of Betelgeuse, you must be my backup.”

Backup? “I’m not the best,” he said.

“Just make sure no one gets to me.” She stared at him. “I suggest you take the position.”

Richard scratched his head. “Okay. I don’t like to attack though. I mainly deal with passes each day in immigration. I don’t like violence. I have defended myself more than once,” he said. “I’ve even met a soul sucker before.” What a strange smile she had?

“How do you think I’ll take care of my husband?” That odd smile remained.

Oh. Oh! Well, the secretary could have warned him about that. He rubbed his bottom lip. “Did you take souls from the Underworld then? That will get worse each time you get caught.” If he could keep her on Beetlejuice’s path quietly, that would be better. “Let’s make a deal. I’ll protect you, if you don’t take the souls of anyone else, except Beetlejuice.”

She rubbed her finger against his lip. That made him slightly shudder in fear. He knew what she could do now. He was risking death of his soul, but he had to save his family.

“Making deals? That reminds me of my husband.”

Richard watched her bite into her hand, and then grab his hand. It started to burn on him.

“The deal is I take no one’s soul except my husband’s, and I get your protection? Correct?”

“Yes,” he agreed. That sounded right. Everyone’s soul would be spared, except the one who had to go.

She moved closer to his face. “Would you like to know something else you have in common with him?” She pulled his hair back. “You both were terrible at figuring out who you make deals with.”

What a strange feeling. She wriggled her hand. She was used to ingesting everything of a soul, but with their deal, she couldn’t ingest his protection. Instead, it went into her.

Him being a good soul, was deposited right back into the waiting room. He scurried to the opposite side of the room. “You killed me?!” He blinked, confused.

He was probably trying to do something to her but he couldn’t. “You gave me your protection.” She made him rise into the air. Nice. Individual power changed from manifestation to manifestation. This ‘Richard’ had a decent amount.

“He isn’t your husband anymore, he remarried Lydia!” Richard shouted at her.

What? She let him fall out of the air, let her magic rip open the window door to the secretary, teleported over into the room, and spotted her.

She made her freeze. “Who is Betelgeuse’s wife?!” He better be lying.

The secretary handed her some kind of contraption. She ripped it out of her hands and looked. “Lydia Deetz.” It was true! She had to kill her husband and ingest his soul!

So much preparation! Finding that grave robber named after the star. Feeding him the chemicals that would enhance so much of the power after death. So close to immortality.

She looked at Lydia Deetz’ image. If I injest his soul not being his wife, it won’t work! She would get the basic power she got from any soul. Maybe some enhancement, but there would be no immortality.

It was true in death they parted but a quick ceremony would have been easy to fix. This was not.

She went back to the room, picking up Richard with her magic again. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Lydia is safe,” he said. “That power was in the deal with me.”

“I have to kill her to end their marriage.”

“But you can’t. You made that deal,” he reminded her again.

“Wrong.” Fool. “I said I wouldn’t take any souls but Betelgeuse’s. I never said anything about not killing.”

“Wait. Wait, wait!”

She teleported him out of her sight. He could go back to immigration. She had what she needed now for him. She was constricted, unable to learn through soul sucking through that deal. With the power though, it should be enough to get her what she needed.

No one else knew of the deal. Everyone would be scared of her. She went back to the secretary. “How do I get to Lydia Deetz?”

The secretary was whining as she tried to pull something up on the contraption again.

Oh. Yes, this would fit another wife of that lowlife. She had contracts on her life already. She could wait around until her life ended, but Beetlejuice was probably helping to protect her. She should have two different ways ready.

“All you have to do is wait!” Richard stuck his head in the window door. “She was my wife.”

In life. It was easier to kill her, these contracts paved the way.

“Because I was considered her ex, I saw his papers,” he offered. “Beetlejuice has to let go of the marriage at the end of the contracts. If no one kills her, then it’s over. You can have him without hurting her. Just wait.”

Wait? “I have five months.”

“Five months?” He looked shocked. “I work in immigration, I’ve seen a lot of things but I’ve never seen someone get processed that . . . you really are dangerous. What happens if you take his soul?”

Oh. He was getting smarter now. No matter, she already had his protection. Delores looked back at the secretary who was so scared the wounds on her belly started to bleed again. “How do I kill her with a contract?” That would let her get to the surface again.

The secretary was rushing around on her contraption again. Still pouting. She reached out and gave it back.

Bioexorcist. “How do I become one of these?”

“I? I don’t know. You just, they, uh, th-they have the contracts! Find one and you get the contract to go up.”

Oh. “Call me one, make them come, and I’ll let you go.”

The secretary started to panic but pushed some buttons. “Hello? Yes? Lydia Deetz is in the waiting room right now.”

She turned her head as she saw not one, but two ghosts appear. She went toward them. “Hello.” Oh, they seemed to know her somehow. One made a break. The other one froze. “Give me the contract, and I won’t take your soul.” He gave it right up.

Yes. Lydia Deetz. The location was unknown, but that wasn’t a big deal. She was Betelgeuse’s wife. She would be with Betelgeuse. “Where is Betelgeuse?”

“He’s? I don’t know. He was at the Afterlife Call Center, but then he was banned from the Neitherworld again,” the bioexorcist said. “He can only be in limbo.”

Oh. He had somehow tricked them into not knowing. He could be anywhere, he married a live woman. Why would he trick them? No bother why. If he was tricking them, that meant he would want to stay where they would believe him to be.

Limbo. “Where is his grave?”

“Um? Every bioexorcist sprung from his contracts,” he explained. “He’s the father of bioexorcism so we know his stories. He pines for Lydia Deetz, it messed him all up. He used to be in a model in the Deetz’ old house. It was in, uh, a place called Winter River. He went back to try and get her again some time ago but got caught again. He never learns.”

“Winter River.”

“Yeah, but she won’t be there. There’s no way she’s going to go back to a ground zero place like that. Once everyone knew, it’d be too easy to find her.”

Yes, but she had Betelgeuse on her side.

“Oh? Um. There is a connection that could help. Lydia Deetz’ mother and father are dead. The obituaries might have more info.”

“Then find it for me.”

“Yes, of course. Um. Just.” He started to dig into his contraption. “Here. This is all anyone has so far. We’ll find her again though. We will. I can even help if that’s useful to you?”

No. She didn’t need help.

She already knew exactly where she was at.

Winter River.

Chapter Text

“Dum, de dum, dum, dum.” He was trying to make a sculpture perfectly of Lydia. It was small, like the figurine he juiced up. But, his juice kept it real basic, more like a person that just had her clothes and a similar hairdo. Hair was more like this. Chin more like that. Smile doesn’t curve up much, but a little . . . He really wanted to get her right. When he needed an absolute copy of her, he needed to have it quickly. Detailed, real, and quick. It might save her one day.

Or, you know, just having the perfect version of her in a second to look at. He tried to juice another one with all the details. It still wasn’t there. Whoah!

He got up, felt someone coming, and then felt himself get tied up. Damn! Thanks Wolf, yeah, totally believed in you! I’m dead dead!

Delores was right there in front of him. He moved around in the rope.

“Stay.” Then she disappeared. Disappeared?

He tried to break the rope. She had some serious juice besides the ability to suck souls? How unfair could things be? She had me. Why didn’t she just . . .

Oh, fuck! “Lydia!”

Delia was touching the walls. This house? Was the perfect place for the wedding. There was a limbo nearby, Lydia met her husband there, this was the place. She had already called around with some numbers, and this was not the same kind of thing on Earth. People really didn’t want to help with things.

So, here. She had been imagining how everything would look. The invite list would be certainly different, she had no idea who could be invited, so she wasn’t concentrating on that. No, just fixing this place up for it.

Lydia and Astrid went to bed hours ago. Delia had days and nights and sleeping all messed up after she died. She was nowhere near tired right now. The ability to create again kept her going.

Right here. Yes, right there. The openness of it all. This is similar to where the wedding was at the first time. Ooh, but there needed to be more-

She gasped. Beetlejuice? She was supposed to scream, but she didn’t know the difference between ghosts. Was he wanting to discuss wedding plans that late? Doubtful. Then again, maybe his schedule was different. Maybe he didn’t even sleep?

“Delia Deetz.”

Okay, that was not him. She screamed loudly, then tried to laugh it off as she saw the woman with staples across her face. “Sorry! Surprised!” She lied. “So surprised! Not expecting to see another ghost around here!” Oh no, oh no! She knew who she had been.

“Perfect.”

Perfect what?

Lydia heard it in a hurry. She went to go get Astrid. Where was Beetlejuice? Astrid was already out of her room, heading toward her.

“Where’s Beetlejuice?” Astrid asked.

“I don’t know.” What had Delia seen? She wasn’t yelling anymore. “Be careful, Astrid.” Lydia slowly walked forward. Except, she wasn’t walking forward. She was walking in place? Yeah, Beetlejuice couldn’t be far. Another attack. We can’t even get a good night’s sleep?

Then, it was so fast. Lydia could barely even follow what happened as Beetlejuice’s ex-wife showed right up in front of her. She reached toward her.

Then she was flattened to the side by a piano, and they were whisked away.

Lydia found herself behind the wheel of her car. No, this was their camper. He had taken their car before, why was he taking the camper?

Lydia watched as the van already started to speed off without her controlling the driving. She looked over.

Astrid was safe behind her looking backward. “Beetlejuice dragged his model in here.”

The model? She glanced in the rearview. Parts of the chairs that had sat in the middle were taken away, to make room for the model. Her heart was pounding, none of this was good. “Don’t say his name again, it might be too close together.” Astrid already said it twice. Losing his magic is the last thing we should do, his soul sucking ex-wife is after us too. “If you have to say his name, say Beej.”

“Beej?” Astrid looked at her funny. “You gave him a nickname?”

“I was trying to call him a name, but I realized how immature that was, and it came out wrong. He liked it,” she told her. “I was going through some changes at the time.”

“What kind of changes?”

“He turned me sixteeen, gave me a gorgeous dress, a room makeover and danced with me.” She noticed Astrid’s look. “I told you, I was in a weird mood.”

“I didn’t say anything.” Astrid looked back at the model. “Like I said, no worse than Rory. Why isn’t he showing himself to us?”

Richard sat in the middle of the waiting room. Without his magic, he would have to walk everywhere. It was just like he freshly died. Which he did, again.

“You!” The Officer Wolf Jackson went and pulled him off the floor. “What the hell happened around here? I know you let Delores loose.”

“I asked the secretary for some help. I knew with her name, she would have to do anything that she could,” Rory explained. “She said there was someone coming who could get Beetlejuice out of the picture for good.”

The Officer Wolf shaked him. “What did you do?”

“I tried to save their souls. If he gets what he wants, Lydia’s soul will eternally be with a demons.” Didn’t anyone understand that? “I made a deal with her.”

“What was the deal?”

“As long as she didn’t steal any other souls except Beetlejuice, then I would protect her.” It backfired so bad. “Instead, she stole my magic. You have to help my family, she wants to kill Lydia before she marries Beetlejuice to take his soul! She’s got a contract on her.”

Wolf put him back down and then punched him. Damn! “We’ve got a soul sucker with entrance to the living world.” He picked Richard back up.

Wolf was probably partly to blame. Maybe if Richard knew why Beetlejuice was considered a demon instead of a ghost, he would have acted differently. Maybe not. Belief and religion could stretch far beyond life. The terms ‘eternity with a demon’ was too much for him to handle.

Wolf and Beetlejuice had tried to deal with it. It was hard dealing with the ghosts that had some experience, but not enough to know that they didn’t know anything. If he asked him how much of the Neitherworld he understood, he’d probably say something stupid like 1/6 or 1/3. When the answer was undefined. There was too much going on in the Neitherworld.

From the blank expression on Richard’s face, at least that seemed to be it. He wasn’t worried about their lives, he was worried about their eternal souls. “You damned your family. A real father would have been thinking about how to protect their lives, not their souls first. Damn, the wedding would have taken months, why not annoy us about things to help save their lives?” Yeah. “That’s how everyone can still smell ‘new ghost’ on you. Be selfish. Say it. You wanted them dead, to be with you. Everyone gets selfish in death.” Everybody.

“If they were going to naturally go-”

“I wanted them back with me, just say that,” Wolf said.

“ . . . I wanted them back with me,” Richard admitted. “I didn’t want this though. Lydia’s going to get killed.”

Wolf looked at his watch. “She’s probably already killed. She’d go straight there and get it done.” Still? “I’ll go check it out. Let’s go, Men. To Beetlejuice’s grave.”

The Model

Beetlejuice looked at Wolf standing over him. “Where the hell were you?!”

“They released her on a whim,” Wolf said to him. “You are still tied up.”

“Yeah.” She had juice that was hard like his. “Get to the living world, help-”

“She has a contract,” Wolf said to him. “She has one of your illegal damn contracts.”

“They are still illegal, it just lets them come up! I moved Lydia, she’s in a van driving with Astrid.”

Oh? “You are stuck in here, and controlling that out there?” Was he actually free? No, that wouldn’t make any sense.

“I moved the model with it too. I’ve got control of the van, it’s within my limits.”

“Impressive.” Wolf tried to help him with his binds. His men gathered around to help him with the binds. “Richard gave her his magic as protection in a deal.”,

“Stupid Mother Fuckin-” Beetlejuice finally broke free. “What deal?”

“She can only take your soul and no one else’s or she loses his protection,” Wolf told him. “It turns out that half marriage of yours messes things up too. She needs to kill your error wife before she can get your soul.”

“Babe. Shit.” Beetlejuice moved over toward him. “Take me with you? I’m using what I can here to save them, so they don’t know to call my name.”

Oh, that’s annoying. “We’ll explain it to them and get them to call you.”

Chapter Text

Living World

“Hello again.”

Okay, startling. Lydia looked at Officer Wolf who just arrived standing next to her.

“He can’t reach you, he’s using limbo magic, you need to call for him.”

Limbo magic? Then how’d he get the van? “Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.”

“Babe!”

There he was. Thank goodness. “Are we okay now?”

“No, not at all. Keep driving,” Beetlejuice insisted. “Lydia? Not gonna lie? You have terrible taste in guys. The worst.”

Astrid looked toward him. “You mean Rory?”

“Richard gave my old ex her magic to take me out up here.”

Richard? “Why?”

“Eternity marriage jealousy,” Beetlejuice said.

“He was scared about Beetlejuice being a demon and ending up with your soul eternally,” Wolf said to her. “It sounds scary.”

Really? “I hope you guys weren’t that chalant about me marrying a demon for eternity with him? Most people would be freaking out about that?” They must have scared him acting so casual about it.

“Dad Richard made a deal with Delores to get rid of Beetlejuice?” Astrid looked over at her mom. “I thought dad was always about saving everyone?”

He had been. He even died fighting climate justice.

“Eh.” Wolf waved it off. “Newbies get in trouble with their beliefs at first all the time. It’s never easy to explain things, they’ve got so many preconceived notions in their heads. They even freak out when they find out about soul suckers down here. Most don’t do squat.” He looked at Beetlejuice. “His wife is more of an exception.”

“Ex-wife,” Beetlejuice reminded him.

“Yeah, but he . . . it’s still wrong!” Astrid yelled. “I don’t care if Beetlejuice is a demon, it was still wrong. Why would he?”

“Not all demons are like me,” Beetlejuice told Astrid. “Actually, no other demons like me.”

Astrid glanced at Beetlejuice. “What if a different demon wrapped up mom in a deal for eternity? Would you give up your juice for her?”

Oh, Astrid just had to ask that.

“No. Nobody can use my juice better than me,” he answered. “It’d have to be some kind of a tight sealed deal no one can budge out of just to get my juice.” He shrugged. “I’d have to take on the demon. Nothing different than what I’ll be doing.”

What he’ll be doing? “I don’t like how that sounded.”

“Well. Everyone can get in on those contracts,” Wolf told her. “Everybody, they just need one. Make it alluring enough, and anything in the Neitherworld can come after you. You’ve just seen the little guppies that want a tiny slice of pie so far. The big sharks are gathering contracts. Probably even escorting others out to get more contracts.”

What? Lydia never thought of it like that before. He might be dealing with more demons? “Can you handle that, Beetlejuice?”

“I’m here, aren’t I? I’m the best hope you got.”

Oh. The way he said that. Lydia held on tighter to the wheel. If soul suckers and demons exist, what else is out there? He didn’t just give his usual ‘totally, Babe’ response.

“I’m the best, I can handle it.” He must have sensed she picked up on his uncertainty.

“Yeah, and what other army?” Officer Wolf was being more realistic. “Maybe we should be nice and find a less painful way to end them ourselves?”

What?!

“Wolf, don’t say that,” Beetlejuice warned him.

“You two might prefer it,” Wolf offered. “If you get caught by a soul sucker, there is nothing left of you. These others coming, they won’t be gentle. If it all ends, then Delores just goes after Beetlejuice. Let’s just give her Beetlejuice. I did not say any of that!”

“Manipulation? She’s close.”

Lydia felt the car start to go faster.

“I’m doing that,” Beetlejuice said to her. “She must have sensed when Wolf and I entered the van. Shit.”

Not even two days. Thrown out of the Neitherworld. Thrown out of Winter River. Driving in their camper van. Even with Beetlejuice, we really are dead. Delores may have manipulated Wolf’s words, but she was telling the truth.

Forget surviving months. Surviving weeks. At this point, they’d be lucky to survive one more day. “Anything left?” Lydia asked. “I don’t care how desperate it is.” She had to go on with Astrid. She had to at least make sure Astrid was okay. “I’m willing to try anything at this point. Any suggestion?”

“Can we become like contract luggage?” Astrid asked. “We were safe as luggage a little. You’re good at contracts.”

“I can’t be in the Neitherworld,” Beetlejuice reminded Astrid.

“Come on,” Astrid urged him.

“Since Delores is now involved, there is something the afterlife enforcement can do now,” Wolf said to her. “It’s not luggage. You can be in the afterlife’s outreach witness protection program. It could help.”

“Yes!” Beetlejuice was super excited. “Alright, Wolf!”

“Only because Delores is involved,” Wolf said to Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice leaned very close to Lydia’s seat. “Best news in the world with this one, Babe,” he assured her.

“There are a lot of rules that come with it,” Wolf added. “It’s not something offered often. I don’t know.”

“Wolf. Come on. Little girl and mom driving away from a soul sucker?” Beetlejuice tried to feed on his insecurities. “I was already getting an eternity marriage. We’ve got every perfect excuse.”

“She’ll just go back and go after you and her there,” Wolf pointed out. “Delores will figure it out. I don’t think it’s the solution.”

“It’s not the solution, but it’s another step to surviving,” Beetlejuice said to him.

“Yeah, it’s also another step that will get you to go for a quick ceremony.” Wolf looked away. “Nope. I don’t trust you.”

“Come on, Wolf.”

“No.”

Astrid turned to glare at Wolf. “You are willing to let a child die, just to keep Beetlejuice from breaking the law? You are no better than Dad Richard.”

Wolf started to squirm with that statement. “Okay. A compromise. Limited protection. If anyone comes here, they’ll see the truth though, and it won’t help with Delores. We’ll run fake obituaries.”

Fake obituaries. “The hunters will think we are dead?”

“Yes. Some will back off, assuming it’s true. Others will poke around,” he insisted. “Delores would still poke around. There’s nothing else I can offer, Beetlejuice is too dangerous.”

Great. Future help, if they could see the future. “What about Delores?”

“I’m going. I’ll be back. She won’t take me out,” Beetlejuice insisted. “She wants immortality. I’m guessing she doesn’t have long to get it.”

“She was brought back with only a five month stay,” Wolf said. “If you escort her out of here, we can’t hold her back longer than two months.”

“Two months is still two months.” He disappeared.

Beetlejuice rubbed his hands together. He stretched upward. This wasn’t going to be easy. If she got super desperate, she could get his soul, but it would also end her in five months. Immortality meant marrying him, which meant getting rid of Lydia.

He could feel her on the open road a second, and her presence shifted.

He followed it back to the Winter River house. “Delores.”

“Betelgeuse.” She was holding Delia who was struggling on her. “I want you.”

“Well, everyone wants the Ghost with the Most,” he insisted. “Only one has me. Something about getting poisoned to death just ruined that passion between us and I had to let you go. In several different pieces.” Delia was still whining, probably thinking she’d get sucked. “Oh, let her go. I know about your deal, you fucked yourself over for power. Not a new trick for you, Delores.”

Delores let her go and she ran away. “I’m going to kill your wife, and I am going to marry you. You can’t stop me.”

“I know you got extra juice.” He moved more to the right. “A good deal, but you need more than power to beat me.” Then he felt disgusted by that line. “I am hanging out with Wolf too much.” He watched as a piece of furniture headed his way. “Whoah, low bridge.” She was putting too much power into it to just push it away. He pushed it off balance though, but still had to duck.

Damn it! He knew the fact Richard had changed himself back after he changed him into a dog meant he had some real power. No surprise, Betelgeuse. You couldn’t get out of her binds without Wolf and his team. That power compounded was gonna make it tough.

“Accept your fate!” She yelled. “I want marriage!”

“Man, I thought I took rejection hard.” He had nothing on her.

“If you want the woman to survive, then divorce her, and give into me.”

“Mmm? Nah, I don’t like that plan. I mean, she’s got a thousand contracts on her right now so without me she’s going to die,” he told her. “That, and, well? I’m still working the moves on her. Marriage of convenience, you know how it is.”

“You were a passionate lover,” she admitted. “We had fun before we killed each other. Perhaps I could give you another night of passion before I end your existence forever.”

He dressed up as a salesman. “Not even remotely interested.” He held out a vacuum. “I’ll buy from a door to door salesman before I touch you again.” He tossed the vacuum. “Besides, I’m married to Lydia.”

“Yes. The wife who apparently sent you away twice.”

“First of all? The Maitlands did it the first time. Second of all? Well, the second time, she was at least nice about it. You know, soft spoken and polite,” he said. “She never took the life out of me the same way you did.”

“Well, she never experienced being chopped up like you did to me!” Another piece of furniture was flying, much faster with more force.

He didn’t even try to askew it, he just got out of the way, and made his move.

He made twenty axes appear around her to swing.

She stopped them all with her power. “Don’t make me laugh. You aren’t going to-”

Another fifty axes appeared before her, chopping her into many more parts than before. Her pieces sunk to the ground.

“Not enough experience, Delores.” Power was power. She put too much power into the first thing, used the small reserve she had left to stop the axes, and had nothing left for his second wave.

Next time she came. He wouldn’t be able to do that. Hold her off five months. Just five months. Two months of relief, and then her. Mixed with who knew how many. Hardest 2500 he earned yet.

Chapter Text

Lydia kept driving. Her hands felt glued to that steering well. Even though she had a whole team of technical police on her camper. Beetlejuice. Admit it openly or not, she felt much safer with Beetlejuice.

“She’s back down.”

Oh good, he returned.

“Ah, good.” Wolf looked toward Lydia. “You and your daughter are fine for two months. I mean, from her. Good luck in your pursuit of continuing to live. Let’s go, Men.”

After they left, her and Astrid were returned back to Winter River with the camper. They got out of it and were in the living room now.

“Are we still safe here?” Astrid asked.

“I almost had my soul sucked!” Delia ran over toward them. “I’m still just shaking all over!”

“Delia’s fine,” Beetlejuice said. “My ex only has two goals. Kill Lydia, and suck out my soul.”

“Well good to know now,” Delia answered, tidying her hair up. “Still. How do you know I’m safe? What was that power line you said?”

“She can’t steal a soul except for mine, and you’re already dead,” he pointed out.

Lydia took a deep breath. That was insane.

“She’ll be gone two months. Relax,” Beetlejuice insisted. “I doubt she discussed where she headed. We might have an exorcist or two that talked to her show up. I can handle that, no prob.”

“Good.” Astrid seemed to relax. “Are you okay Grandma Delia?”

“I was soo scared,” she said. “I tried to yell to warn you.” She pinched her throat in worry. “I’m so glad your safe.” She hugged Astrid. “Lydia?” She gestured around here. “The site of your first wedding, should be where we have the second.”

Lydia just quirked her mouth. She was almost killed, and Delia wanted to mention wedding plans? “ . . . fine.” She looked back toward Beetlejuice. “How did you get trapped in the model?” He should have been free for reasons like that.

“Oh, one of you probably called my name in your sleep three times,” he said. “It was fine.”

No, it wasn’t. “We didn’t call you. You were sealed and that could have ended us.” But? “You had a lot of power beforehand.”

“Oh. Well, I have a small distance of range around the model. I still had a little residual energy to teleport around,” he said.

Right. Lydia looked at the time. 3:30.

“I want to go back to sleep, but I don’t think I can.” Astrid sat on the couch.

“Eh. Nerves,” Beetlejuice told her.

Lydia caught Astrid’s look. She sensed just how bad things really were too. Maybe there was a little denial at first, but the way Beetlejuice looked. Letting his ‘I’m the best’ mask fall, showed them the truth. Survival was more than just money.

“I thought you’d bring them back here.” Officer Wolf walked right into the room. “I need Astrid. Richard wants to talk to her.”

Richard wanted to talk to Astrid? Now? “He doesn’t want to see her alive.”

“He feels it’s important enough to see her now,” Wolf said. “He gets one call.”

“He’s going down,” Beetlejuice said to Lydia. “Basically it’s like prison for awhile. He made a deal with a soul sucker, gave her power that was illegal, and then he was stupid enough to get caught afterward.”

Lydia didn’t know how to feel about that. “I’m not separating from Astrid.”

“You’re going to have to take the whole troupe,” Beetlejuice said.

“Fine.”

The Neitherworld

Astrid saw her father right in front of her. He was in handcuffs. She loved her father so much. When he passed, it was a really hard time. She even went to the other side, just to see him for a little while.

She was finally getting a chance to see him, but he did so much wrong. “Mom’s life was already in danger.”

He held his hands out to her for a hug. “Astrid.”

Astrid didn’t know about the hug, but she did move closer. “Why? You always wanted to do the right thing. Why did you do that?”

“Astrid.” He sighed. “I’ve seen so much here. In my work. The things I’ve seen, the rapsheets I go through daily. Demons are the worst kind.”

“No one’s perfect, Dad Richard.” Her words startled him. “We hired him for our own protection. I worked out the details with him. So far, he’s always come through. He saved the Maitlands when mom was younger. He took mom to get me in the first place when I was tricked here. He’s taken out several people coming after us.”

“Astrid. Your mother’s soul is on the line,” he tried to convince her. “Turn away from that evil. Don’t call his name anymore.”

“Why? So we just die?”

“When I met him, I didn't know anything about him. I looked into it, and into the ghosts who cared for your mother. Who were like surrogates to her. The Maitlands.” Dad Richard got out something else. “I am breaking the law when they catch this, but I’m already going back for some time. Be quick but look and hear.”

Be quick but look and hear? Astrid looked at the paper he gave her. It was folded up to be on the last part called closing remarks for Barbara Maitland. While she read that, he stuck some kind of headphones over her ears. He wanted her to read and listen at the same time.

Please make sure Beetlejuice doesn’t get anywhere near Lydia. My sweet girl suffered so much from him, and he’s bound to get his dirty mitts on her again! Even this loophole created, it’s just to gain access to her to get to the real world! He’s nothing but a fraud and a pervert. On our first meeting he kept looking up my dress, wrapping his literal tentacles around me and he kept kissing me. The creep even knew I was married, and did it right in front of Adam. He’s not to be trusted, ever!

Okay. That was different. Astrid had heard of him being a creep a little, but hearing Adam Maitland’s own voice really hit differently.

“The only closing remarks I have is that I hope the Neitherworld can somehow keep Beetlejuice from interacting with Lydia Deetz again. That poor girl was dragged into the most shoddy and quick ceremony just to free a demon. He pretended to save us, and took advantage of that to make an unholy contract. Even this, this loophole, it will get him closer to her. Barbara warned the Maitlands with a letter, but I don’t know if it’s enough.

“Hang on, what’s she listening to?”

“He’s rude but he’s clever. He can trick people with lies. He’s powerful and dangerous. He almost killed Lydia’s father right in front of the poor girl. If it wasn’t for sealing him away just then, he would have sent someone to the hospital. He’s a terrible demon. I want to find out different options, is there a way to send some kind of a policeman maybe to watch over him more? Is he paying some kind of pennance for what he did?”

The headphone was lifted and the paper was taken away. Astrid watched her father get scolded by Wolf with some overused lines and taken away. I thought. But he knew the sun. He could have just seen the sun and guessed. He was forced to see these hauntings. Maybe it was less he came, and more he was stuck with them.

He always sounded like he was stuck with him. He’s been free. He would have left as soon as he was freed. She and her mother would be dead. Unless? Mom is paying him. Why leave a fun job where you can kill people?

She turned around. Beetlejuice was still staring at her. Caution? Danger? What is that stare? Not again. Was she allowing herself to be tricked again? Maybe he isn’t free, maybe he’s saying that so I trust him more. He used Wolf to come out and help us in the van.

Was she being deceived again, just like Jeremy? It hasn’t even been two days and I almost feel like . . . She wouldn’t be tricked again. She didn’t know what his end goal had been. Alright, fine! Maybe he is bad, maybe he isn’t! Back to the main goal, Astrid. Right. Friend or foe, he was the only thing saving their lives. They had a business transaction.

Until she saw him bending the rules with her own eyes. Business, Astrid. Just like in the beginning. Just a demon saving them for money.

He might plan on bankrupting them before getting a full marriage. Or, he might be telling the truth. Her mother went through everything and she was starting to warm up to him. But the Maitlands.

Unaligned. For now, she wouldn’t believe he was bad or good. Until she saw something either way.

She went back toward her mother, ignoring Beetlejuice. “I am ready.”

Fucking asshole. Beetlejuice just shook his head toward Wolf. Lydia was not talking with him. Astrid was only there because he wanted her as his ‘one call’. Astrid was risky, she only knew him a short time still compared to that ghost.

Beetlejuice couldn’t deny the ‘one call’ though. It was used for a reason, some one calls could help clear names. If he just got through this, then Richard would be out of the way for awhile.

That ghost was probably spouting the same shit over and over. Luckily, Astrid wasn’t falling for it. Then Richard started giving her paper and a set of headphones. Attached to a tape deck. Who used a tape deck still? That’s old tech. Wolf was going to think about that a little bit before he yanked it away. What could be on a tape deck?

Then, he saw it. Astrid was getting swayed. Damn! What was he giving her? Wolf pulled it away. Astrid stared at him though. Why are you doing that? What did he fucking give you?!

Oh, that was it. Astrid walked back, looking at him. Not with full blame, but more like when they first met. Those were business transaction eyes. Those were ‘I have no choice but I’m watching you’ eyes.

Fuck that guy. All the progress he made just got shitted all over! Knowing Astrid, she’d share it with Lydia too. That’s it. I’m tired of playing nice! When Wolf went over to him with Astrid, Beetlejuice went toward them too. Astrid went passed without a word, towards Lydia. “Hey. I’m gonna get this contract signed.”

Wolf just looked like he was crazy. “How?”

“Being a real fucking demon this time. Hey, it’s what I do best, right?”

“Eh. I’ll take them back and watch them for three minutes. That’s all you get,” Wolf insisted.

Three minutes was all he needed. Once they were all gone, Beetlejuice went toward Richard. “Hey. You. Did you fall for my ex too? She does that.”

Richard didn’t have anything to say.

Beetlejuice held the contract out. “You are going to be begging to sign it this time.”

“I will never sign that contract,” he insisted.

“Oh yeah, you will.” Beetlejuice grabbed him with his juice, and flung him to the wall.

“I knew you were bad news.”

“Hell yeah I’m bad news. I’m a freaking demon,” Beetlejuice insisted. He moved to him real close and then knocked him on the shoulder playfully. “Great job, good deal with my ex. What a favor you did for me! You know, I only had one choice to go. I mean Lydia’s great and not going to hell is a definite step up for me. Still a great option, but your actions mean I got another choice too.”

“What else?” Richard asked suspiciously.

“My ex has your power because she tied with you in the Neitherworld. All I gotta do?” He got close to his face. “Is send you to the Fires of Damnation. That will send her straight there too. It’ll save my soul from that ex-wife and ensure I keep your pretty wife forever.”

“You can’t just send someone there,” Richard said. “They are very careful about that.”

“Right, right, you know that pretty well.” He patted his shoulder. “I’m not gonna do it. I’m gonna tell Officer Wolf Jackson. See? He just hasn’t figured it out yet. Sacrificing one ghost to stop someone that takes out ghosts? It’s worth it. He’ll go straight for it.”

“What? I don’t want to go to hell.”

“Well, why not? Come on. Unexplored territory for you. Could be fun.”

“I am not going to hell for you!”

“Oh come on, Man? Look. If you go now, then Lydia won’t be able to sneak out of this eternity marriage.”

“Sneak out of it?” Richard asked. “Lydia doesn’t have to have an eternity marriage?”

“Well? Only if she can’t pay me. If I bankrupt her, she’s mine. If I don’t bankrupt her, then I even gotta let her hand go in our marriage now.”

“If she can afford it?” Oh, now he was listening.

“Yeah, but, if you just go to hell for me now? Then man, instant contract break. She’s mine.” He wasn’t even going to ask how, Beetlejuice knew that, he was too scared to see reason. “Break that contract and I’d actually get to touch my pretty wife too. You know? She’s got a bunch of clauses protecting her self. Having to ask to even touch her hand, how lame. Really want to get past that hurdle.”

Richard didn’t say anything.

“Obviously, I’m a fair demon. Either way, I win. I win more money the other way, but just having your wife right next to me until the day I go to the soul train? Can’t put a price on that. And a nice soul train too, I bet I get The Great Beyond but I’m not too picky.”

“You are absolutely terrible! I wish Astrid could see this.”

“Oh, she won’t. I’ve got all of them dangling like worms on a hook. You know that. So, here’s the deal. Either I tell Wolf about the hell idea for you, you go to hell and I get myself a free ride to basically heaven and a hot wife that’ll be allll mine to fuck every night for eternity. Or? I can go the long way and make lots more money. Then again?” He pulled the contract back out along with the pen and looked at it. “Maybe not though, I mean more money's good, but I'd get to start messing with her tonight.”

Richard grabbed the contract and the pen roughly. “If Lydia has a way out, she will figure it out.” He signed it. “I trust her. She’ll escape you again.”

“Maybe, maybe not. Maybe you just got tricked by a fucking demon.” He watched Wolf come back. “Got it.”

Wolf looked surprised. “In three minutes? I don’t want to know details, let’s go.”

Chapter Text

When Wolf returned, Beetlejuice made sure he didn’t return to the same room. He knew Astrid would eventually tell Lydia whatever she learned, he could postpone it, but they would talk. He probably wouldn’t even be missed until he was needed.

It was so shitty! He . . . he had wanted to see if they wanted to come to his grave to get some sleep. Especially Astrid, she slept well there. Those eyes though.

He didn’t know exactly what Richard shared with Astrid, but considering the decade of a tape deck, he would bet it was something dealing with the Maitlands.

“He came. Don’t ask me where he went,” Wolf said. “You two fleshbacks. Take care of yourselves. Remember to keep it real.” Then he disappeared.

Beetlejuice was just in the other room, thinking about what to do. Appear and see how they were doing? Or just buzz off until he was needed.

“Everything seems fine now.”

He heard Lydia’s voice.

“Mom, do you trust him?”

Yeah, Astrid’s unsure voice. All the progress was gone, he could hear it in that voice. He disappeared.

“You sound different,” Lydia noticed Astrid’s tone. “Are you okay? I noticed your father gave you some things.”

“I know you said some about what Beetlejuice was like,” Astrid said to her.

Oh. She had just tried to get her to call him Beej so they didn’t accidentally summon him. “We need to remember to start calling him something else. We don’t want to lose access to him again like that.”

“I don’t feel like calling him a nickname.” Astrid sounded bitter. “Do you know how he treated the Maitlands?”

“Yeah. Of course I do, I was there.” She was there for the whole thing.

“Was he really that crude? He’s . . .” She waved her hand in a so-so manner. “But he never, you know. He did a lot back then.”

“Yes, he did,” Lydia agreed. “I heard it all from Barbara.”

“Well he tried to marry you at sixteen,” Astrid pointed out. “Did he, you know? Was he like that with you?”

Lydia rubbed her chin. How to answer that?

“The truth, Mom,” Astrid urged her.

“The truth is?” Lydia shrugged. “No.”

“No what?” Astrid wanted more. Her eyes were staring right at her.

“He grabbed me, put me in a dress, dragged me with his juice to him. He said some thing to me but mainly things like uh . . . getting a great deal on a caterer and . . .” Oh, it was too long ago. She was scared at that moment, but it had been getting clearer since she had been around him again. “He wasn’t too much different than he’d been for the second or third wedding. He was actually sort of charming?” Lydia definitely got questioning eyes from Astrid. “I know how he acted with Barbara. He didn’t do that with me. I’ve never been made to kiss him.”

“And the stupid juvenile stuff like with a skirt?” Astrid asked.

“Not to me.” Lydia didn’t get it either.

“I heard and read the closing remarks of the Maitlands,” Astrid told her. “They were really concerned about you with Beetlejuice. Before they left on the soul train, they wanted to find ways to make sure he didn’t come back for you.”

“Yeah, that sounds like them.” They were quite skeptical of him. Everyone had been.

“I was too, but then?” Astrid sighed. “I can’t believe he was like that.”

“Well, he’s a demon. A trickster demon,” Lydia reminded her. “I’ve told you all of this.”

“Yeah, I know, but he’s kind of . . . fun and twisted and weird, in a good way.”

Right. “Yeah, he is. He’s fascinating. I’ve never met anyone like him at all,” Lydia agreed.

“It’s different to actually read and hear it for myself,” Astrid admitted. She sat down. “Knowing that he knew me at my lowest lows. Knowing that the connection actually had a source and it never disappeared, it was just misinterpreted? I don’t know. I just.” She squeezed the sides of the chair. “I don’t know what to believe.”

“Well, he’s a huge enigma.” Lydia sat down on the couch next to her chair. “Once you think you know what to expect, he does something differently, a few fleeting words and then gone. That was always him. Although.” She thought back to last night. “Although.”

Astrid sat back up in her chair. “Although?” She turned slightly in the chair. “If he was actually good.”

Lydia just smirked. “He’s not. You know that, or we wouldn’t be able to hire him to basically kill.” She couldn’t help a small smile though. Which she hated. “He did almost kill your late grandfather but . . .” Oh, she really didn’t want to say it, but . . . “He was just doing the same job we hired him for, except for the Maitlands. He wasn’t being malevolent just to be malevolent, and your grandpa never even had to go to the hospital.” Even though it was a long fall.

“Was it a long fall?” Astrid pried.

“It was a real long fall.” He miraculously wasn’t hurt. “He didn’t even have a limp.” Lydia gestured to her lips. “He stitched these together so I couldn’t say his name. I gave birth to his inner child, and it was overwhelming, but? There wasn’t an ounce of pain.” Yeah. “It’s just weird sensations. There was a little pain with my leg but nothing too severe.” She looked back toward Astrid. “When I was a teenager, he never tried anything against me physically. I couldn’t compare. The Maitlands were already dead, I doubted they could feel anything when he did stuff to them.” But them?

“Does that mean, he is actually . . .?” She waved her hands around. “I can’t say good. But. Less bad than we might think?”

“If he had physically stitched my mouth, I would have never been able to say his name. I’d be screaming too.” Honestly, there were probably thousands of things he could do to prevent her from saying his name. “Either his juice is more illusion than real-”

“-that can’t be true-”

“-then he’s softer with us.” Yeah. He was much softer with them.

“Yeah, but he also knows what he wants.” Astrid faded off and bit her lip slightly. “I want to know what happened to turn a ghost into a demon.”

Oh. “Astrid, let’s not? That’s really his own personal business, and I think he was aggravated enough today. Let’s just try and get some rest, okay?” What a way to spend the morning. “I already have a busy enough night to think about.” First date. “Something modern he doesn’t know.”

“He is really old,” Astrid told her, “but at the same time, he seems pretty caught up on a lot of stuff.”

Yeah, he understood phones really well, and understood ads and dating sites to make all those pop up date adds show up on her phone.

“The Neitherworld, it’s sort of this strange meld between old-fashioned and modern,” Astrid pointed out. “I was played something from a tape deck. Beetlejuice fills out papers in a waiting room with comfortable chairs that aren’t straight wood. They do have a soul train and a police force of some kind. All of this stuff at one point didn’t exist. It’s like the dead that end up there, bring their knowledge of the living world with them.”

He learned from that. “What’s a new show that just started?”

“It’s mid season, nothing’s new,” Astrid reminded her. “Maybe something out of his league. He never said what you had to share.” She smirked. “I bet he hasn’t played the latest Barbie game.”

Eh? “Ooh.” That didn’t seem nice. “Even I don’t know that. Do you? I’m sure it’s probably got to be something that I know already. We don’t want to make him mad.”

“Do you think he’s still contained?” Astrid asked out of the blue. “Like if we say Betelgeuse, Betelguese, Betelguese he really did just go away like a bad dream?”

Astrid! Lydia resaid his name three times. “Anyone can attack at any minute.” Wow. “This stuff that’s bothering you is ancient history with me. You somehow felt more aligned with him and now you don’t. I’ve . . . I was more the opposite. Not that I completely trust him now.”

Astrid got up and walked away.

Oh. She was becoming more distant again. “Try and get some sleep, okay?” Lydia called after her as she walked back to her own room. Astrid just needed time to process things.

Astrid closed her door. She recited his name three times, and then recited his name another three times, and then recited his name another three times.

“What the fuck is this shit?” He appeared right behind her.

She glared at him.

“Ooh, so happy I came back for that,” he muttered. “What do you want already?”

“Are you really free? Prove to me that you are really free.” Astrid crossed her arms.

He just rolled his eyes. “Why?”

“It’s the only way I can think of that proves you aren’t all bad.”

“I am all bad,” he said. “I’m literally a guy your mom hired to kill people.”

He was staying really distanced too. She looked him up and down.

“Not wearing the latest fashion kid, what do you want?”

“Funny you called me a kid, but you were ready to marry my mom at this age,” she called him out.

He waved his finger that gained a flame on it. “Ouch. Slight burn. Age is a dead concept to me.”

“I know.” She tried to stand up straighter and swished the small hairs from her face. “Why are you considered a demon?”

“Umm?” He crossed his own arms. “None of your business.”

She changed from crossed arms, to lifting one finger to her cheek. “If I say your name three times, stay. If you can.”

“Look? I’m usually first in line for a good game,” Beetlejuice said to her, “in this case?” He held his hands out in a surrender. “I don’t wanna play.”

“Why because you can’t?” Did he lie about that?

“Oh, I can, but I don’t prove myself to anyone for anything,” he answered. “You want me to risk that? Do something for me.”

“That’s always what it comes down to. Someone always has to be doing something for you.” Her nostril flared. “What?”

“Take your hand.” He shook his hand. “Put it beside your ass.” He put it by his rear end. “And take that gigantic stick out of it.”

Oh, her whole body tensed up. She looked behind her. She grabbed a huge stick she saw shoved somehow up her butt and threw it across the room. “Lamest joke ever, not even funny!”

“I thought it was.”

“It wasn’t.” However, she did remember what her mom said. She literally had a gigantic stick up her butt, and it didn’t hurt at all. It also didn’t damage her clothes. “You are so confusing!”

“Me?” He gestured to himself. “You’re the person who yanked a giant stick out of your ass.”

Oooh! She’d make him cave. “You are close to getting my mom.”

Instead of getting a verbal response, Astrid clumsily fell backward on a dining chair. A round table appeared in front of her, and Beetlejuice was on the other side in another chair.

He poured some tea and gestured to her. “Go on.”

“She’s starting to trust in you more, while I am trusting in you less.” Astrid leaned back in the chair. “No one can tell exactly how to handle you. I heard the Maitlands closing remarks from my father. He definitely doesn’t trust you. My mom only did because she was desperate. Grandma Delia-” He sealed her lips shut. Stitched. But, didn’t hurt.

“Too much flapping, I get the point.” He tossed the tea and made her lips normal again.

“Give me something real that I can trust, and I won’t stand in your way of getting my mom.”

Beetlejuice tilted his head to the side. Way over to the side. “I’m getting her when she goes bankrupt anyway.”

“That’s marriage for eternity. That’s still not mom.” Astrid would stand firm on it. “Demons are tricksters, and I believe that you aren’t going to be any good for her. If there is a way to end this, I will find it, unless you prove to me that you are really freed.”

“This is stupid.”

“You didn’t tell her you were free because you didn’t want to scare her. Mom is jumpy with you,” Astrid tried again. “If I knew for certain that you had been free this entire time? You could have left us to die but you never did. It would go a long way with me.”

Beetlejuice just stretched. He stretched his arms up and he stretched his back as he spoke. “It doesn’t prove squat, Astrid, If I’m free and I could break the deal, I could just be staying for the same reasons. Going to hell never looks appetizing, and having your mom means I never go there. Also, I still get paid the same. There’s no trust in it.”

“Yeah, I guess your right.” Even if he was free, that wouldn’t prove anything, would it? “I trusted the wrong person, and I almost died because of it. So. To trust someone like you?” She stared at him.

Beetlejuice leaned on his chin and tapped his fingers on the table. He was just staring right back at her.

Astrid could feel the connection between them again. The confusing psychic connection that always made her want to trust him. He still looked unwashed, even though he had been. His teeth were just as bad, though she knew he was brushing them. All in all, he would probably always look dead.

But at the same time, she was getting used to it.

Beetlejuice rubbed his eyes and stroked his hair back like he had a busy day of work. “Maybe you don’t get how hard it is to escort a soul sucker back to the dead that’s personally after you? I’m drained. You should be too, not everyday you go hop in a van to avoid dying at 3:30 in the morning.” He scratched his head.

Was he really drained or was that just an excuse? The connection made it feel like . . .

“Even with it, never tried it,” he said it to her. “Told you it at the second wedding.”

The second wedding? “Where mom was supposed to meet Rory?” What did he say to her?

“Don’t bother,” he said to her. “If you don’t get it, then you’re not gonna get it.” He stood up. “Get it? Oh, and don’t start trying to put ideas about what your mom brings to the learning session tonight. Fuck around, and I won’t show up. Rules don’t state I have to show up at all. No show, no go. No go, no card, and she pays everything in cash. Get me?”

This guy. “No, I don’t get you, that’s why this is so hard!” She stood up too.

“Yeah, well, welcome to dealing with the afterlife.” He held a platter. “Nothing is given away on a silver platter.” The silver drained away leaving a disgusting iron rusted color with a molded green base. He tossed it over the shoulder.

And disappeared.

“Why can’t he just . . .?” Why couldn’t he just say something straight? Why couldn’t he just- He doesn’t care. He acts like he cares! He knew about the sun and the concert. He knew about me. But then, why won’t he say anything to convince us? Why can’t he prove it in some way?

Author's Journal: Thank you everyone for all the support you have been showing this story. My stories typically start to die down on reactions after the first few chapters, but I still feel and see a lot of love for this story. At this rate, I will probably make another after this one is done. (You know I'm going to make another if you know me, I already have the concept, LOL.) Anyhow, I know it took a good bit to get these chapters out, but I did want to work it out right. I actually rewrote a chapter twice because I wasn't satisfied with it.

Anyhow, I thought I'd share something interesting with you. It was inspiration for the idea of this story of Beetlejuice being freed, but either hiding it or not realizing it. Ready? Highlighted it with formatting so you can follow and see the pattern.

I noticed when I watched Beetejuice Beetlejuice, there is a continuity error left in there.
In the original Beetlejuice, when Barbara says his name three times and then goes Home, home, home? Beetlejuice is still technically free. We know this because he becomes a snake without being summoned again. Barbara has to call his name three times to seal him away.
In the sequel, Rory called out his name three times and he was freed. Lydia did the same 'home, home, home' thing but didn't resay his name three times. By first movie rules, he should have still been free. So when she returns and calls his name again, instead of him appearing, he should have still been freed and was now sealed away. Instead it freed him. Same thing for the ending. When she called his name another three times to seal him away, it should have actually rebrought him back.

Take that oddity, the psychic connection of a (paraphrasing) 'long distance relationship' being hard because one is dead and one is ignoring the other one thirty years? Her seeing Beetlejuice? Beetlejuice knowing that she is actually starting to see him back?

What if the movie didn't mess up it's continuity? What if Beetlejuice's psychic connection to Lydia has kept him freed, but with all psychological things, he just didn't know it?

From there, the story was really born. I know some people are 'eh' or 'there's too many plotlines' or whatever for the movie. I loved those movies and I will thrive with these added plotlines to the universe for years to come.

Chapter Text

The rest of the day was actually more of a normal life. They slept, they ate, they relaxed. They even drove away and went shopping. Lydia moved around with confidence, knowing that Beetlejuice probably wouldn’t ever be far.

She really tried to see what she could find that would work. If she picked a movie, a shorter movie would be good? She tried to find recent books. “I really should have asked for what counted.” Movies, TV shows, and games. What else did he say? She watched Astrid return over with a child’s game. “Astrid, we went through this. If I don’t know it, I’m not showing him.” She gave it back.

“It’s popular.”

“Then maybe he already knows it anyway, but I don’t,” she sighed. “I don’t know if any of this will work. If it doesn’t? I’m gonna be gone for three hours there.” Three whole hours. With him.

“Can someone stay sane that long with him?” Astrid asked. “He’s just electric or restless energy, but he never sticks around for long.”

“Well?” Astrid had a point. As much as he’d helped so far, and talked with them. It was never for very long. “It needs done.”

“The longer he’s around you, the more he can manipulate you,” Astrid warned her. “Three whole hours. Don’t come back married.”

Lydia just stared at her.

“I mean eternally,” she corrected herself. “Don’t get real involved, mom.”

“Real involved?” Lydia didn’t understand. “How involved can I get? He’s dead.”

“Yeah but dead people can still do things,” she reminded her mom. “They can kiss.”

Hang on. That look? Lydia’s eyes widened. “Oh no. That? Oh.” She went over toward Astrid and hugged her briefly. This wasn’t about Beetlejuice at all. “Not every boy you go out with is going to steal your soul for theirs in the future.”

“Yeah, I know.” Still, Astrid was too bitter for it to be nothing.

Lydia couldn’t believe it. Her daughter’s first kiss.

“It was like floating,” Astrid told her mom. “Then, I found out I was really floating.” She wiped her eye.

Oh, Astrid. That really blew the concept of her first kiss.

“Who was your first kiss, mom?” she asked. “It wasn’t dad, was it?”

“No, but, life’s not defined by who you kiss first. Okay?” She tried to make her feel better.

“Yeah, okay.” Astrid was still so rigid. “I guess we’ll see if I live past this year. If Beetlejuice doesn’t just run away ahead of time.”

“You’ve got this concept of him in your head,” Lydia said toward her. “It’s getting worse.”

“It’s getting closer to the truth,” Astrid said quickly.

Oh. “All I wanted was for you to be more careful of him.” Instead, Astrid was almost completely against Beetlejuice now. I can’t believe I’m saying this to myself. I have to talk to him about . . . our daughter. Such a strange concept, but one he’d been okay with. Even at her second wedding when he met Astrid for the first time. He told her she could call him dad. She thought it was a stupid joke to say to cement the fact he was marrying her.

It might not be. Astrid had really started to bond with him. With her saying Dad Richard instead of just Dad for Richard, Lydia had a feeling the other Dad was reserved for Beetlejuice. Astrid usually used that for all of her grandmas.

Astrid never said it had been, or called him that at any point, but psychologically they were only bonding closer.

Now, Astrid was getting farther away. While Astrid’s trust was waning, Lydia’s was only getting higher. That small moment in the model. It just felt so real. The feeling in the camper van when she knew Beetlejuice wouldn’t be around was almost helpless.

Lydia knew people took her trust pretty far, but she couldn't change who she had been.

“Let’s just finish shopping,” Astrid insisted. “Just be careful in this learning session, okay?”

“I’ll be careful.” It was a good thing it was happening that night. She really needed to talk to him about Astrid. He always disappeared so fast.

Tonight. Three whole hours.

That Night

Lydia waited. She tried to wear a nice dress. Black of course, she hated anything in color. Except, apparently red. She waited by the model with a linen bag full of things. She placed a flashlight down, waiting for him to come. The electricity still hadn’t come on. She shivered slightly, wishing the heating would just kick on too.

Most likely, he could influence energy and power to watch these things. He could whip up cereal out of the air, he should be able to create some kind of energy. If not, she did have little pamphlets as backups.

It didn’t take long before she was shrunk down and found herself in his grave again. The velvet lining was all around again.

“You look ravishing.”

Right behind her, of course. He stuck a red corsage on her.

“So, what do you got?” He made a couch appear. “Dump it right there.”

Lydia took it all out of the linen bag. “I didn’t know what to even start with.”

“Breaking Bad, that was great, years ago,” he hinted at. “Let’s see. Uh. No. No. No. No. Stranger Things?” He glanced at her oddly a second. “Alternate universes can be fun, good luck to them.”

Lydia watched him go through it all.

“Well, you failed miserably, but that’s okay. It just means there’s a three hour date.” He gestured to herself. “At least you didn’t come unprepared. I’m lying you did. The whole package is ravishing, but the clothing? I can’t even figure out which is what with that worn out stuff.”

What? “This dress is expensive.” All of her clothes were unique and expensive.

“Price means nothing.” He shook his hand in a 50-50 manner. “Try this.”

Lydia watched as a string of something lined against her dress. Lines of black and white circled around her three times.

Her mouth just hung open as she stared. On the back and sides were just black strings, but on the front? There were actual spiders on her dress. They were even squirming slightly, but not moving off the dress where they were placed. “How?” She looked back toward him.

“Ya like it?” Oh, that expression. He knew she liked it. “I like to shake things up.”

She touched one of the little spiders on her dress watching it squirm around until it crawled on her finger. She moved it to her face to look at it. “Neoscona crucifera.” She placed it back and looked at the other kind of spiders. “Argiope arantia.” There were beautiful yellow and white embellishments from the spiders, making it almost shine like jewelry.

“So glad you’re at least meeting me halfway with this,” Beetlejuice said. “I figured Astrid would have turned your trust against me.”

“Trust? I don’t have trust in you, you know that.”

“Yeah, but I mean even more.”

She shook her head. “No. It’s not fully on you either,” she said. “You are who you are, but Astrid had an experience with a boy. And.” She rolled her eyes. “Said boy was her first kiss.”

“Yeah, I know.” He didn’t sound happy about that. “Why do you think I was where I was at? The little boys room wasn’t around there.”

“You knew?”

"Highest highs and lowest lows. Bonded over Dostoyevsky. Broke at the laugh and 'swapped souls'."

Oh. His strange quote on Dostoyevsky had a reason for being made after all. Lydia didn't understand where that line came from.

“I could have just stayed with you, sent her through quicker, ignored the whole other dad thing, and not even bothered with Delia. But?” He wiped a tear. “First boyfriend killer. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I had to send him personally straight to hell.”

“Oh.” Lydia pressed her hands to her heart. “You killed him for Astrid.” Oh, that’s exactly what Astrid wanted. Except? Okay, it’s not proof that he’s good. He wasn’t. But.

“Do I get the hand, arms, legs, and whoooole body tonight?”

“No.” Still, she was smiling. “You can have a hand.” She held it out. “When they took Delia away, Wolf said he was taking her to the commissioner. If you had stiffed Delia, she would have said something.”

“Well, a deals a deal. Two dead idiots walking around the Neitherworld with no directions should probably be sticking together,” he said.

“Yea, I thought so.” The truth Astrid wanted was right in front of her. It was in the subtleties that he didn’t say. He didn’t exactly share a lot of good to make himself look good. He might not even see it as good.

Okay. Time to move on. “So? Since I’m stuck here for three hours, you did say that you’d tell me-”

He grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the grave to the top of the model. “Here you go.”

Once Lydia regained her balance she looked at a car next to her. He got in the driver’s seat. This must be why the spiders are just on the front. She got into it.

He drove off, driving around.

Lydia watched the model. It was so strange that the model resembled Winter River so well from back then. “Where are you taking me?”

“Can’t tell yet?”

Lydia watched as they turned a corner. There was a gigantic drive-in. Oh boy. “A drive-in?”

“Yep.” He parked the car.

Great. Parked. At a drive-in. “What are we watching?”

“Movie background is not important, can I touch your arm and your shoulder?”

“No.” Nuh uh, not that fast. “You have a hand.”

“Okay.” He held her hand. “Hand, hand, hand. Pat the hand.” He patted it. “Pet the hand.” He petted it. “Bite the hand.”

She yanked it away. “Excuse me?”

“Just testing,” he said. “Gotta know your date’s limits.”

“Well, you didn’t respect those limits with your inner child,” she reminded him. “He drew blood.” That thing was chewing on her leg back in the therapy place he juiced up.

“Well, that parts harder to control,” he answered. “Can you blame me? You barely tried in our long distance relationship.”

“It wasn’t a long distance relationship.” She had to correct that. “I was even married. I had relationships.”

“Ssh, features starting.” He gave her some popcorn. “Want some?”

“No, I don’t want any of your juice inside of me.”

“Well, maybe on the second or third.”

Lydia watched as the movie started to play. She didn’t recognize the opening and it was in black and white. What did he want her to watch?

“This is a very artsy film with foreign languages, so I’ve got closed captioning for your benefit.” He started to eat some of the popcorn. “Hey, can I borrow a spider or two?”

Lydia looked at her dress. There were quite a few of them on her. She caught two skittering. “Here.”

“Ooh, orb weavers.” He put it on his popcorn. “It’s better than buttering it.”

Lydia didn’t agree with that. “I prefer butter.” She stared at the screen. All of the credits with Betelgeuse had gone by and it was starting.

Onscreen was a young woman, about fourteen? Her dress was soaked in blood as she walked with Beetlejuice. They went over toward a place called soul road. There were different paths with guards standing in front of them.

“Are those where the soul trains are now?” Lydia asked.

"Yep, you went walking once the guard approved you.” He ate some more popcorn. “Don’t be deceived, those guards were tough. People rarely made it through to the destination they weren’t supposed to be on.” He pointed to the screen. “What do you think of her?”

“Here.” The young girl gave her ID to the guard on screen.

“Okay. You can walk down this one.” He gestured behind him. He looked toward Beetlejuice. “And you?”

“Got it, Pal.” He gave him his ID.

The person gave it back. “Not allowed. Your name isn’t on the list, you can’t walk down on it.”

Lydia watched Beetlejuice kick up a real fuss on screen, but the young girl went toward him, trying to calm him down. “Who is that?”

“My mom,” he said. “Hung out with me a good 300 years.”

“Your mom.” She was so young.

“Yeah. Died when she was 14,” he said as he ate some more popcorn. “She died giving birth to me.” He wiped at his eye. “Yep, never knew her in my life.” He gestured toward the screen as his voice broke. “Here you go. The nicest thing I ever did.”

Lydia watched Beetlejuice on the screen again. He approached his mom.

“It’s just a small snafoo,” he said to her. “You start walking, and I’ll get this sorted out.”

“But what if it doesn’t get sorted out?” she had asked him on the screen.

“It will. You know me. I’ll get this patched up and fixed. You go ahead and walk out. I’ll join you soon.”

“I don’t believe you.” The young girl hugged him.

“Ma. Come on, Ma. I promise that I’m going to meet you over there soon. It might be a short while, but I’ll join you.”

“You better,” she warned him. “I am not going to be happy with you if I cross into the Great Beyond and you never come. You had better come.”

“I will, I will.”

“And it better be here! Not the other paths, it must be this one.”

“I get it, I get it.”

“If you take too long, you better make up for it,” she said. “I mean it.”

“Got it, got it. Go on. I’ll be right there.”

She started to walk down, looking back constantly at him.

He just waved happily each time she looked back until she was out of sight. “Oh, fuck me.”

The film ended with the french Fin and crackled on the screen.

Lydia looked back toward him. “You were all dressed up, like you were going to go too.”

“One of my best lies.” He looked at his popcorn. “You sure you don’t want any?”

“No, thank you.” She stared at the sizzling screen still. “That was the nicest thing you did.”

“Yeah, but I doubt she’d believe that. She’s probably cursing at me from the Great Beyond still. She wouldn’t go though, she stuck like glue to me.” He tried to toss the empty popcorn bucket but couldn’t, it was stuck to him. “I was a momma’s boy, couldn’t pull me away.” He tried to pull the popcorn bucket off. “She had me in an open field, no one around, and wouldn’t even know if I survived before she died so she was verrrry clingy when she found me in the afterlife, but I eventually made her go.”

The popcorn bucket fell off and to the floor.

Very clingy. Without lying, she wouldn’t have gone. Beetlejuice had been staying there for a very long time. She’d probably be by her son’s side still if he never lied like that for her. “It was the right thing to do. She needed to move on.”

Beetlejuice didn’t answer, just drove the car into reverse and left toward the tombstone again. He got out of the car, and moved over to catch Lydia coming out, to take her hand out of the car. “Let me try a new one.”

Lydia watched as he stuffed a brownie between her teeth.

“Did I get any brownie points?” he asked.

Lydia took it out of her mouth with her free hand. “Sharing some of your past with me, yes. Shoving your juice in my mouth, no.”

“Man, you are a hard one to change.” He snickered. “I love the challenge. What’s the freakiest thing you’ve ever done? Wanna curl up and watch a movie?”

She held her finger up. “I’m not answering your first question. I guess we can watch a movie, but, not curling up,” she corrected him. “You can touch my hands. Don’t bite my hands.”

“Gonna try not to.”

“Do more than try. Don’t bite them,” she warned him.

“I don’t typically bite the hands. Now the legs are a different story. Do you mind biting if you can’t feel it much? I left a little bit of pain with my inner child biting you on purpose, not much, did that do anything for you?”

Lydia rolled her hands through her hair. “I’m. Not. Into. Kinky. Remember that before you strive so much in marrying me.”

"You like webbing and spiders against your skin."

"So?"

"I am sure we can reach a compromise."

Chapter Text

Lydia found herself back inside. She found a place to sit on the couch as she saw a DVD player show up. “What are we- that one?”

Beetlejuice held up a DVD she used to know well. “Know it?”

“It’s a favorite.” The Crow. A painful story of tragedy, revenge, and love. An unforgettable film where the main actor even died in it.

Beetlejuice kerplunked on the couch as he hit play. He caught one of the spiders that strayed from the dress too far.

She didn’t care. It didn’t matter how many times she watched it, the story was remarkable.

“Death and romance naturally go together.”

Oh, it was so painful, yet so beautiful. Poor Eric.

“Can I hold you until the movies over?”

Oh, he was rising now.

“Yes or no?”

“Huh?” What was Beetlejuice talking about. He spoke so low and he kept talking to her during the intense parts. Oh he was coming up and learning about what happened.

“Yes means huh, agreed?”

“Huh?” Lydia looked toward him. What did he say? She looked back toward the film.

Then? Lydia felt Beetlejuice actually bringing her closer to him? “What are you doing, that’s against the contract.”

“I asked you if I could hold you til the movies over and you said huh and I said yes means huh and asked if you agreed and you verbally consented.”

Oh! “Trickster.”

“Absolutely.”

Fortunately, he had just placed his arm around her and wanted to mainly be on her side. He wasn’t pushing anything else. Lydia didn’t know if he made that up, or if it was something she needed to follow.

He didn’t push for too much more though and they just watched the movie. Oh, he’s going to find the ring soon. “Suddenly I heard a tapping,”

“-as of someone gently rapping-”

“Rapping at my chamber door,” they both said together.

Oh, he really liked this movie too.

“What’s your favorite part, Babe?”

Favorite part. “The flashback scenes that showed the tragedy of what happened. You?” She expected him to say the death scenes or the sexual scenes. Instead?

“When Skank acknowledges the fact he’s been dead since he fucked up.”

Really specific. She looked down at her hand again. Is that why? Is that why he always asked to touch her hand? That couldn't be why.

He did say stuff about being kinky, but that didn't really feel like the case most times.

It wasn’t just either hand, it was always that hand that he liked to hold. And that hand? It had the steel ring he made for their marriage.

She could feel his steel ring against her skin as he rubbed his finger along hers.

He never said it. Never mentioned it. He might not even realize that he was doing that.

Nope, look away. There was no way. She wasn’t doing that. She would never do that, but the more she denied it, the more she could feel it. The heat in her face. The light ring in her ears. She could feel it more powerful than ever right now.

The supernatural connection, and it was making her blush so hard. He would definitely use that to his advantage if he figured it out. Fortunately, he was watching the movie. It would give her some time to get control of herself. Deep breaths, but don’t make noise. Her deep breaths made a deep noise, she wouldn’t be able to do it as well.

This was it. This was the thing he was sensing from her all those years ago. He knew there was something about her, he sensed it the moment she walked into that attic thirty years ago. It wasn't her ability to see ghosts either. He couldn't see it, but being dead gave different psychic waves to others. He knew that Lydia Deetz was one of the very few people that could handle being with a dead guy like him.

He tried it before. Once at the first wedding when he gave her a rodent to hold. She wasn't a fan of that.

He tried at the second wedding with a real heart. She once again dropped it like it was disgusting, like an average person would.

He tested it with the cobweb dress and found success, and then he really pushed it with the spider embellishments this time. There wasn't another damn woman out there for him that preferred real spiders on a dress, could identify them, and yet give them straight over as a snack without a second thought.

Not once did she even stop and realize how weird that action could be, she had just done it. In her mind, only he was the weird one.

Delores was beautiful and passionate, but the visceral feelings he felt for Lydia?

Soft spoken. Gullible. He never thought that would be in the woman he chose for eternity. Hell, after Delores he didn't even have another serious relationship in mind ever. He wasn't interested in any kind of emotional love, just purely physical.

Even she had to feel it.

Lydia went back to the watching the movie to forget about her face. She was doing well until he spoke again.

“Feel it, huh?”

Oh great, he spotted it.

“Yeah, not hard to miss. Warms the face. Rings the ears.”

Right! Right, the feeling caused that blushing side affect. It came from that cozy feeling. It was even cozier being held by him.

“That was the end of him.”

Lydia knew what he was talking about. When the scene that would have shot him would have happened. She continued watching the film to the end.

“Always gets you right there.” He moved away and hit his hand against where a heart would be as he removed the DVD and flung it somewhere. It was probably also just created with his juice.

Lydia stood up. “It’s almost three hours.” She watched as the line of spiders left her again, back to him, leaving her in the simple black dress. I actually spent a great deal of time with him. Without him disappearing or getting too out of control. “Thanks for a nice night. I better get back to Astrid, the house is still really cold.”

“No heat, huh? I could invite you two to come over here to sleep, but hey, she’s not too fond of me right now for some reason.” He moved toward Lydia. “A little more progress with you though.” He leaned against the couch. “That was the greatest date ever.”

“It was nice, but I should get going,” she said again. “It’s been three hours.”

“Right, a deal’s a deal, but you can always stay longer?”

“I don’t think so,” she insisted.

“Alright. Let me drive you to the end of the model at least?” He asked.

“Okay.” That should be fine.

When Lydia got in the car, she felt it take off very quickly. She watched him drive it very fast toward the edge. “What are you doing?!” She held onto the sides as tight as possible.

He didn’t answer, but once the car came off, it grew. It didn’t grow to the size of a normal car, but it grew where it could barely fit in the door and down the stairs.

Lydia didn’t understand what was going on, but she put two and two together when she heard Delia's screams. Not yells, top of the lung screaming only Delia could do. “Astrid!” She must have been screaming about ghosts coming after her! Where was she?!

Beetlejuice drove straight to the living room, stopped, and then sealed Lydia up into some kind of cube. She could barely see what was going on, it was thick like ice around her. What was going on? She wanted to call out his name to come back, but she had to believe he had a reason for what he did.

Chapter Text

“Hey, you got it?” Simone asked Claude from another room. “Trev? Claude?”

“Broke the larynx, didn't kill it. Should take care of warning anyone.”

“Good,” Simone thanked Claude. She just escorted the screamer out. “We just need the other.” Stupid contract wording sometimes meant they wouldn't get the reward if they killed them separately. Neitherworld contracts were the worst. She saw Trev running. “Did you find Lydia Deetz?” Then the couch behind her came alive and bit off half her body. That was annoying. “Claude?” She didn’t hear Claude anymore.

“Which one of you fuckers realllllly thought pissing off a demon was a good idea?!”

Oh. She heard the demon’s voice, but didn’t see him. She crawled around as she heard a lot more clattering. Damn.

She looked in the room Claude had been in with the contract money girl. “Ooooh!” She was gone? Beetlejuice must have got her.

“Gotcha. It’s okay.”

Astrid heard the demon’s voice, but she couldn’t see anything. She couldn’t say anything. The pain was numb now, but it had been so intense, she just wanted to die!

“I’m gonna reverse this. They are gonna pay!”

The demon sounded angry. He was holding her really tight for some reason. She wanted to ask what happened, but she felt too tired. She didn't trust him at all, but her eyes were just so tired . . .

The demon appeared before Simone with the girl unconscious. Well, that was that, they couldn't beat the demon. She expected him to escort her back to the Neitherworld. Instead, he was just staring at her.

She heard ice from behind her. Her other half was frozen? Wait. “Wait.” She saw more furniture coming toward her, stabbing her hand. It didn’t hurt of course, pain was only for the living. However, it just dragged her hand away?

And it froze.

Then? Her head saw the foot of one of the furnitures she had expected coming toward her. Except? “Wait, wait, you need to unfreeze!”

“Who did it?!” the demon bellowed.

“Claude! Please give it back!” It was eternity. It was an eternity of a mistake! And she was stuck with it as her head was smashed for good.

Now that the others realized what Beetlejuice’s actual plans were, they were trying to run. The results of a death only happened once. That look stayed with the dead for eternity in the Neitherworld. Even if they came to the living World and were  escorted back out, they would just go back the same way they had from their first death. You only died once. It made it easy for people to want to return and mess with their own body parts. It was no big deal.

Except? If, for some odd reason, a piece was held back with powerful magic when they were sent back.

They had pissed off the demon extensively because Beetlejuice wasn't just escorting them back. He was using his juice, to tear them apart, and then kill enough main section it triggered a return!

Their pieces remained behind for longer. It would eventually leave, but it would never be re-attached to them again. 

Trying to get the woman and the girl wasn’t even in the plans as Claude and Trev were scrambling to escape. Their magic was nothing compared to a demons! Enough to kill the living, but not enough to stand up to a demon.

This was sick and twisted! Claude was trying to keep his arm on as it was getting pulled apart from the inside of a boudoir, chomping on his arm. “Stop this! Just escort us, stop it!” Beetlejuice didn’t say anything as Claude has lost two arms and half his chest. “I reversed it! This is my eternity!”

Trev was just a head, screaming for mercy too. The rest of his body was ripped apart by a garbage disposal that came from the kitchen sink, but all those bits were also frozen by juice.

Over forty parts, some full limbs, some tiny pieces of fingers, were frozen with juice as the main part of the ghosts disappeared.

Astrid was able to open her eyes. “I . . .” Why did she feel so weird? She looked up and saw Beetlejuice holding her. “What happened?”

“Never need to know,” he replied. “It’s fine now.” He sounded strange. “I’m going to take you to your mom.”

“I had a weird . . . dream. I couldn’t open my eyes or my mouth. I couldn’t even scream.” Was there pain? “I don’t know anymore.”

“And you’re good, you don’t have to.” He walked with her to a huge piece of ice about the size of a car. The ice was removed, and her mother came running toward her.

“Astrid! Are you okay?” Her mom was so worried. “I heard Delia scream.”

“Grandmother Delia screamed?”

“Forget it,” Beetlejuice said to her. He still sounded suspicious. “You two are sleeping in the model with me again tonight.”

In the model? “Why?” Astrid asked. “How come I can’t remember? What happened?”

“Are you okay?” Her mom was busy looking over her. “Are you hurt?”

“I don’t . . . I don’t think so.” Astrid didn’t know.

In the Model . . .

Astrid felt warm pajamas and a bed beneath her. Her mom was at her side. She looked around. “Why are we here?”

“He said it was safer,” her mother said. “Are you okay?”

“Did he say anything?” Astrid asked. “I don’t remember what happened. He knows what happened. Do you know?”

“No. He wouldn’t tell me either,” her mom said. “He said you just needed a lot of sleep.”

“How can I sleep? I don’t know what happened to me.”

“He saved you,” her mom said. “That’s all I know.”

" . . . where's Grandma Delia?"

Beetlejuice walked above his grave area for some time, waiting for Wolf. He made sure none of the grave was exposed so it softened the sound. He had contacted Wolf so they could talk. They needed to.

“This? Had really better be important,” he said as he showed up.

“Yep.” Beetlejuice couldn’t smile. “I’m keepin’ it real.” That would please him. “I need them in the Afterlife Witness Protection Program, highest level.”

Wolf just looked at him oddly. “I said they qualified, but it’s still barely, and you are still dangerous. What’s causing this behavior?” Wolf demanded.

“Astrid had her eyes and mouth stitched up physically, no trickery, and her larynx was broken to stop her screams.”

Wolf just stared at him, his mouth agape. “Oh! Living. That would-”

“Hurt! Yeah, someone would rather be fucking killed!” Beetlejuice tried to keep it in control. “I got her fixed up, and I got her early enough to fuzz up her memory so she wouldn’t get stuck with trauma from it." A shitload of trauma. 

“Well good, good.” Wolf said. “Got there early enough. Only get a couple minutes to undo the living mind. Why would they do that?”

“To keep from calling me. They had gotten blueprints of the house. They knew it, I felt them instantly in the model, they didn’t access it on the outside, they appeared right in her room!” he yelled. “It’s been two days. I’m not sloppy, Wolf. Even if I wasn’t in the model, I couldn’t stop that.”

“I told you, Beetlejuice,” Wolf said. “You can’t keep them safe forever.”

“They need that program!” Beetlejuice demanded. “Just, name it. What do you want? There’s got to be some kind of deal we can make.”

“Are you trying to bribe me?”

“No, I am trying to get them safe! They could have straight up killed my daughter! Just name it,” he muttered. “There’s gotta be something. Someone always wants something.” He clapped his hands. “Got it. You wanna be an actor again?”

Wolf’s neck stuck up in surprise. “You can’t make that happen.”

“Never underestimate me,” Beetlejuice promised. “Get them in, and I’ll have you in living dead pictures at the end of the year. Maybe sooner.”

“But? But how? The decks stacked against me, only the most famous get in. I mean Frank Hardballer was awesome. Legendary. But there are a bunch of great legends that are dead and haven't moved on yet.”

“Paperwork.” Paperwork was the answer to everything. “It’s gonna be a sheer mountain, but you can go be an actor again. Not the highest prestige movies, but I can get you in the circuit again.”

"I don't know if I trust that, Mister Juice."

"Maybe not the highest, but just imagine doing a commercial with someone like Kurt Cobain as a backup jingle. Everybody in it is ultra famous."

“I could get them to a middle tier maybe,” Wolf budged, but not enough.

“I could get you and Janet out of the force.” Beetlejuice sweetened the deal even more.

Wolf shoved his finger in his face. “If I do this, and you don’t keep your word!”

Beetlejuice already had a contract for it. “Right here, it’s all here. Just sign and date.”

Wolf read it all very carefully. “How did you get your hands on a Neitherworld contract like that?”

“Oh, I’ve got them for everything.” He yanked out more to show he didn’t visit the Neitherworld to get one. “This one here’s the same thing except for a painter.”

“I don’t know. To trust you?”

“It’s in a legit contract. Just use your influence and make it happen.”

Wolf stroked his hair. “You know what’s going to happen? Are you sure you don’t want medium protection?”

“Nope.” Full protection.

“For that high, Mister Juice?” Wolf took a deep breath. “Low protection first. You’re gonna have to keep them alive til the end of the week by yourself while we set things up for high protection. Can you do it?”

“Don’t have much of a choice, but we’ve got to get them out of Winter River.”

“Then I suggest first thing tomorrow.” He hit his hands together and pointed in the other direction. “You hit that open road.”

“Will do, Wolf. Trust me.”

“Trust you? It feels more like I am making a deal with a devil. But? To be an actor again.” He shook Beetlejuice's hand. “You’ve got your deal, Beetlejuice.”

Chapter Text

Low. Only low. Beetlejuice watched his family sleep. They were safe in the model, and until high afterlife witness protection set in, he wasn't letting them leave it behind.

He watched Lydia stir first in her sleep. “Lydia.” He moved to on her bed, but touching her. “Lyd.”

Her eyes woke up to see him. She sat herself up and looked toward Astrid’s bed. “Is she still sleeping?”

“Yeah.” He looked back at Lydia. “I need you to stay beside me for a week.”

She looked confused.

“The last set of intruders didn't sneak in. They had blueprints and appeared in Astrid's room.” He would be straight. “If they didn't want to kill you at the same time for the contract, she would be dead.”

She just covered her mouth and nearly started to cry.

“We gotta stay in the same rooms from now on, moving with each other.”

“Uh? I.” She was trying to form her thoughts. “What happened?”

“She's never going to remember, and that's all you need to know too.” He gestured around. “Home base.” He juiced up a toilet and then turned it into a shower, then just made a maze of walls before making it all disappear. “Got privacy covered, it’ll be fine. This is where we sleep every night.”

Of course, Lydia looked terrible. “Beej. We have to survive six months. It's been two days. Only two days. We had a showdown wedding. We got kicked out of the Neitherworld. I had to buy this house. They almost killed Astrid. We all need to be in the same room at all times? Do we even have a chance?”

“Yeah,” he assured her. “And good news, you don’t have to worry about buying the house anymore.” He gestured to his side. “We can load up the model and just shoot the shit on the open road.” He tried to be positive about it. “Think of it like a trip across America.”

“Oh, there’s no way we’re going to make it.” She shook her head.

Of course she was losing faith in him. “This isn't forever. Just gotta last a week. I got Wolf to get you into the Afterlife Witness Protection Program. So for a week, I have to be glue. He tried to lift his hand but it was stuck to the bed now. “Really good glue.”

“What is the afterlife program going to do for us?”

“End a ton of this crap. With it? I’m probably not gonna get eternity marriage. Unless you know, you want to?” He pointed out. “Always open for it, anytime and anywhere.” No, she wasn’t in the mood. “Do you remember how Wolf said he’d make you obituaries? Well, it’s more than that. Right now, he’s getting you in what’s called ‘low class status of the program’. They are making the obituaries today, and they are going to add some stuff to your profile that makes it look like your gone for the Neitherworld.”

“Low class,” she muttered. “What happens in high class?”

He presented her with a giant enchilada. “You guys are gonna go to the Neitherworld, stand in the waiting room a few hours, and get assigned a house. I will be near a lot, but the results will be better if I’m not there. So. It’ll feel like it’s just you two haunting a house by yourself.” Okay, that should have put some kind of confidence back in her?

A light smile. “If it works then.”

He tossed the enchilada. “Except you are still married to me, and once Delores comes out, she’ll still be after you.” Yep, that took that very light smile away. “The good news is that it is probably two months away or so?” It was exactly two months away.

“You beat her pretty quick last time,” Lydia noted. “Is she going to be that much more trouble?”

“Oh yeah, you bet.” He couldn’t sugarcoat it. “Last time she was new to having a lot of extra power. I played off that and caught a weak point. This time, she won’t make the same mistake.”

She wrapped herself tightly in her cover. “No quick fix for her?”

“Of course there is.” He grinned. “If we throw Richard into hell, she’ll automatically follow.” Yeah, but she wouldn’t go for it. “Other than that, that’s it.”

“Richard’s . . . confused, but I can’t send him to hell,” Lydia told him. “He took charge without asking me about anything again.”

Again. Love lost plot thickens. Eh, he already knew that, even back then. She was soft spoken, not as outgoing, but she did want some control. It probably attributed to her wanting to end her life in the first place.

He had to work quick back then for the marriage, but he really tried to be hands off for a reason. He never even stole a kiss. That and he was fighting with the Maitlands through most of it. Hell, even for the second calling and wedding with her, he still didn’t steal any kind of kiss.

For fuck sakes, he even offered her 62k for a kiss for the third wedding! Okay, getting grumpy. Don’t think about that.

But he was. This was the last week he had to watch them really good, and hope to bankrupt her. More would eventually figure things out and come, but they’d be farther and fewer between. Lydia had some decent money saved. If he didn’t bankrupt her, he’d never get an eternity marriage.

“You didn’t charge me another 250,000 did you?”

Huh? The exorcist fee? Delores sucks souls. She is a living exorcism! Maybe he could bankrupt her still. “You have a third card soon I’m sure.”

“You didn’t say anything about it.”

“It’s basic math, Babe, you got angry last time I added it up for you.”

“I only have a week to get you another card.”

“Six days actually.”

“She was your problem following me,” she pointed out.

“She’s still trying to take you out. Services were rendered.”

“Well, at least I don’t have to worry about buying the house.”

“Actually, you do,” he reminded her. “It’s our wedding place. There’s still a chance of an eternity marriage. Wolf believes in it. Delia’s running it. Oh, and she’s back in the waiting room.”

Nothing but an annoyed sigh. “Fine, I’ll keep it. When should we go?”

“Soon.” Real soon. “Don’t forget to stop at nice restaurants along the ways, none of that fast food stuff. Gotta stay healthy to keep living,” he joked. That would also raise the bill on her finances. “If you don’t, I’ll juice you up some food.”

“I will stop at decent places to keep Astrid and I healthy,” she said. “We don’t need juiced food.”

“What about me? I want to eat healthy too.”

She just gave him an odd look. “You make your own food."

“Yeah, but only food I know. I can learn new food,” he reasoned. Also, he could buy the most expensive thing on the menus. Every bit helped.

“Beej. Your a ghost,” she said to him.

“You can order it inside, and take it to go, and then I can eat it.” Simple.

“You are going to try to eat the most expensive thing on the menu, I know what you are doing,” she warned him.

“Only if it’s what I don’t know,” he said, “or if I just really want to eat it or study it.”

“Study food?”

“Yeah. I can study it and replicate it later. Helps out with my juice.” She looked at him oddly. “What?”

“Why . . .?”

Ah, she finally wanted to know. “Why is the Ghost with the Most so perfect for you?”

“No. Why are you, you?”

“Because I’m better than everyone else.”

“No. I mean? I know it might be personal, but you were human, and then you died. You became a ghost. Why are you a cursed demon?”

Oh. “Not important.” Worth a shot. “Will for a kiss?” Wait. She was waiting? Was she thinking about it?!

“The demon thing is what made Richard do this. It’s why Astrid is getting distant from you. It’s why I-”

“Won’t give me an eternity marriage no matter how great I am?”

-I can’t trust you either. If you just tell us, it might really help.”

“With what?” A kiss?

“Trust?”

“Fuck trust.” Not this again. “Astrid did this too.” This was not a big deal and stupid as hell.

“You are a bioexorcist. The first,” she muttered. “I imagine it has something to do with that, but then you would have just said so right now.”

Ugh. He rolled his eyes. “To understand is gonna take more than a sentence.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she pointed out. “Just? Could you tell me and Astrid?”

Ugh. “Why?”

“On our next date. I’ll give you a kiss if-”

Lydia watched him throw her a box of popcorn, pulled out a projector, added a screen to the back of the grave, changed her bed to a movie seat and had her sitting down in it, now fully clothed in a dress from the fifties.

Beside her were two more movie chairs, with one now holding a fully clothed Astrid, also in a dress from the fifties with a fancy hat with a feather in it. She was also getting tossed a thing of popcorn. “What the hell is going on?”

“Feature presentation.” Beetlejuice was all dressed in a fancy tuxedo as he stood in front. “What can I say, I’m easy. I hope I can say that about you later, Babe.”

Lydia rolled her eyes at the crude joke.

“What is going on?” Astrid said looking over at Beetlejuice. “Beetlejuice.”

“No, don’t say that. We’ve been over this,” Lydia corrected her.

“Been over what?” Beej asked.

“Fine. Demon, what are you doing?” she said instead.

“Wow, I never heard demon pronounced like fuck you before,” he said back to her. “No, wait, I have. I’m showing you a boring movie to get a kiss from your mom on our date tonight.”

Tonight? “I thought the next learning session would be longer.”

“You said date. Learning session is the day after that.”

Damn it. Messed up wording. I literally gave him an open ended date with the kiss. Why did I do that?

The demon thing was important. It made Richard pick that terrible decision. It was keeping Astrid from being civil to him. And she just really wanted to know herself.

Were the fears of the demon trying to marry her all her life, as bad as she always thought or not? For relief. For the knowledge. I’m going to kiss a dead guy. But, she was ready to know.

“Okay, so first of all,” showed up under Beetlejuice as he spoke another language. “It's not your language so it's captioned. Like me.” He gestured at the words below him. “Its boring and not exciting. No questions. You won’t get the way it works ‘til your dead. Got it? Good. Relevant boring stuff only.”

He lowered the screen and ran the projector, then sat down next to Lydia.

Chapter Text

The Screen

Beetlejuice was waiting in line at something resembling the waiting room in the Neitherworld. There were two people behind desks. One said next and he showed up. “I’ve been reading this book.” He held up a handbook. “I don’t have a place to haunt.”

“You don’t get a place to haunt, you’re a special exception.” They took his book and turned to a page to show him. “You wander around for five months, then you are going to be found, and dragged to the Fires of Damnation. Have a nice day. Next.”

“What, why?!”

She pulled out his file. “You have no property to haunt. You were involved in a soul sucking death cult ritual. You murdered your wife with an axe.”

“She deserved it, she poisoned me!” He complained. “I wasn’t part of the death cult on purpose, that was my wife, and I would have rather lived.”

“No excuses. Next?”

“Five months to hell.” He looked out of it. “I never did anything until someone killed me. I mean yeah I stole things from the dead, but they weren’t using it.”

“That bitch had it coming!” A young woman appeared on the screen. She went over and hugged Beetlejuice. “Bedalgeuze!”

“Uh?” Beetlejuice just looked confused. “Do I know you?”

“I am your mother, Matilda.” She kept hugging him so tight. “Look at you, I can finally hug my baby boy!” Her dress was covered in blood.

“I think you got the wrong guy,” he told her. “That’s not my name.”

“Oh it is! And, it is you. I have been watching you for so long,” she told him. “I wanted to be here to make sure you were okay. And? That bitch had it coming!” She yelled again. “When I saw what happened, I stayed in the waiting room to wait for her. When she showed up, I grabbed her parts, and threw her in boxes in storage. Now your soul is safe, Bedalgeuze.”

“Look? I appreciate it, that’s great. That’s not my name.”

“What happened to your momma?”

“No idea.”

“She was alone, and scared. In a field. No husband and no safety. I bore you.” She let go of him and showed off her dress. “I could tell before you were born I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t think you’d even be born so I didn’t even bother with a name. I was trying to find something to help me hold on and bear through it to bear you.” She smiled at him as she hugged him again. “I stared at the brightest star I could see in the sky in my direction. Before I passed on, I named you after it.” She reached up and pinched his cheek. “Your name was ‘Brightest Star I Saw’. After I died, I found out it actually had a name. Bedalgeuze.”

The girl kept hugging him. “Thanks. I guess. I’m going to hell in five months though.”

She completely changed with that reveal. “Like fucking hell you are!” She went straight to the waiting room, climbed onto the counter, and grabbed them. “You are not fucking taking my boy away!” She shook them. “Give him makeup time, I authorize it!” She pushed them backward.

She gently came back down from the counter while the secretary was busy fixing some kind of papers. “First rule of the Neitherworld. No community, no kindness. No one will give you something for free, you have to be demanding and take it. I just added 100 years on my pennance to give you that, but it was worth it.”

She went back toward him and hugged him. “No more worries. Now I can be the momma to you that I couldn’t be before!” She also yanked something out for him. “Here. I kept the bitches wedding ring finger. Save it for the one you really want.”

Beetlejuice looked at it. “But I’m dead.”

“That doesn’t make any difference.”

“Your name?” Astrid asked him. “Did it translate right?”

“Yep. Mom was great,” Beetlejuice answered her. “She did a lot of great things for me. She loved me unconditionally. It would have been great to know her in my life, but I knew her in my afterlife. Anyhow? Told you it’d be boring. Let’s keep going to a future time.” He pointed to Lydia. “It’s a condensed version of what you didn’t see.”

Of what she didn’t see? Lydia watched the scene she was seeing last night, except there was a closeup of the name. Betelgeuse was on there! He was supposed to go with his mother.

“Your name is on there,” Astrid noted as she’d seen it too.

“It didn’t match my profile,” he said. “Loved my mom. Greatest person in the world. Her cute way of naming me fucked me over forever. I wasn’t given a proper name, she literally named me after something that kept existing. When it’s name changed, my name changed.”

“Hey!” Beetlejuice was over by the waiting room again. It had become a little more modern looking now. “What the hell is up with this shit?!” He laid his profile down. “This is my name. This should have been on the soul ticket.”

“You were named after a star. The stars stay going, humanity renames them, those humans with that knowledge come down, and the whole system gets screwed up,” the secretary told him.

“Fine. Bullshit, but fine. How long will this take to get changed?”

“Your profile info to a new name?”

“Yeah.”

“About twenty five years.”

“Fuck me.”

“Not that desperate.” She gave him a form. “Fill that out. Someone will meet with you to look over information.”

“So several years have passed at this point,” Beetlejuice told them. “Then that person finally got back to me.” He gestured to the screen.

“Okay. I just needed my name changed,” Beetlejuice said as he looked at a paper and slapped his hand on the table. Not in anger, but to catch a beetle running across it. He crunched it. “What is this?”

“New processes. Neitherworld is always changing. Just add that information too, I’m too busy to hand you a new one.”

Yeah and Beetlejuice was too tired of it all to start the process all over again. He added it. The guy quickly wrote something up and gave it to him. “Great. You fixed the name, but not this part.” He gave it back. “I’m not demon.”

“You were involved in a soul sucking ritual cult and ingested illegal sources that caused you to be extra powerful in your afterlife. Your powers qualify you as demon.”

“I’m a ghost. Ghost! I actually died, you said it yourself. I’m not from hell, I’m just gonna go there if I don’t get this figured out. Hey!” The guy started to walk off. “Hey!” Several men grabbed him. “Wait, wait! I need this changed! Demons can’t go anywhere but to hell , let go!”

“Told you. Super boring,” Beetlejuice said as he turned it off. “Customer service, you know I hate it. Oh you can bet I made his afterlife a living hell for awhile. Tired of the way the system kept bending me over, I went into caseworking. Made sure that ass never made it into another job, and made sure he never got his own soul train ticket for what he did.”

“Why couldn’t you get it reversed?” Astrid asked. “Plus, did that curse you?”

“Nope, just put demon on the profile,” Beetlejuice answered her. “Everything in the Neitherworld can be done. Big. Little. Heard that before from my mom. That’s also when I went into caseworking, to reverse it.” He paused. “I proved myself wrong.”

“Demon was unchangable?” Astrid asked. “Even though it was a mistake?”

“Yep.”

“So then-”

“Cursed to hell anyway, might as well make some fucking money along the way.”

“Becoming a bioexorcist.” Lydia could get the rest.

“Used what I learned as caseworker to make my bioexorcist contracts. Got caught by Juno. She read the demon on my profile, and took matters to higher sources. From then, fucked over by three words.”

“You never say your own name either,” Astrid said. “That’s part of it too.”

“Obviously not much of a curse if a demon can say their own name,” he remarked. “Anyhow, I just got the AKA for two words you know really well and put them together, so the star didn’t fuck me over again by getting another name in the future.” He grinned. “I like my name. I’ll be damned if I get damned into Alpha Orionis.”

All of that, made so much sense. “Your mom was really sweet, Beej.”

“Yeah, but her naming system dragged me to hell one day.”

“Then you aren’t really a demon at all?” Astrid stood up in the chair. “Why don’t you share it more? Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I am a demon. The shit my ex gave me did that. I’m not a typical ghost. I’m the Ghost with the Most! The best of the best! Nobody’s ever gonna beat me,” he bragged. “I have demon attached to my name because I parallel the power to them. Nothing comes close in comparison.”

“If it’s gonna be on your profile and send you to the Fires of Damnation.” Then he embraced it. He embraced it for the good and bad of it.

“Yeah. Earth is doomed if Delores ever gets this,” he said. “I hate that woman. Bob was such a good employee. Anyway, show over. We need to get on the road.”

“The road?” Astrid asked. “For what?”

“We are going on a ride across America,” Lydia said gently. “Things are getting worse. In a week, we’ll be in a special program from the Neitherworld. Until then, we need to stay moving with Beej.” Hopefully that presentation helped her? Please, Astrid.

Astrid nodded. “I don’t know what happened. I know something happened.” She looked at him suspiciously. “I do know that must have really saved me, so, I guess I better trust your judgement, Beej.”

Yes! Good. It was worth it.

“I’ve got it all plotted out already.” He held out a map. “We can go see this, and this, and this, and this. Heading to tourist spots makes it look like a legit vacation. The ones who do come by will get confused. Their less likely to strike faster than I’ll track them.”

“Are you sure?” Astrid asked him. “Can you at least-”

“Nope, and yep.” He approached Astrid and actually touched her nose. “I’ll be right there, in the same car, in the sample place, and wherever you go from now on.”

“But what about-”

“Showers, toilets, teenage rebellion moments, all in the model.” He held up his hands. “It’s the only thing coming with us.”

“Even in the restaurants?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Your going to be invisible, right?”

“Unless I don’t have to be, or I don’t want to be. What’s the big deal, I’ve always been there.”

Yeah. Ever since the contract, he probably had been close.

“Your not exactly . . . public friendly.” Astrid looked like she was trying to be nice.

“People think what they wanna, I don’t really care. Most of them aren’t thinking ‘guy looks great because he’s dead’ unless they’re insane if that makes you feel better.”

“Mom?” She looked toward Lydia. “Are you good with this?”

Was she good with it? “He’s always been there somewhere. It’s his job,” she reminded her.

“I was going to die, wasn’t I?” Astrid had to ask. “Yes or no? I know it’s yes. I can’t remember, but that’s because of him.” She pointed to Beetlejuice.

“Not yet,” Beetlejuice answered for her. “Pack up whatever you want to take. I’ll pack up in the last minute.”

“Fine.” Astrid seemed a little better, but still putt off. She went to her room. Lydia understood the sentiment.

“Just relax with her and have fun. Whether you worry the entire time or have fun, it’s not going to stop a bullet. I do that,” he said. “Don’t forget to get that third card soon too.”

Oh, he just had to add that, didn’t he? Then again. I didn’t just do that. She did just do that. She thought about again what she thought about. Yeah. It? Yeah. “I’ll keep paying you.”

“Duh. Why’d you say that?” he asked suspiciously.

“Because otherwise, I don’t think you’d trust me when I say what I’m about to next.” Pause. Think it over. It just. I can’t. “Keep us alive. Keep the rules the same, all the same permissions.”

“You are about to cancel my kiss, aren’t you?!” Oh yeah, he didn’t look well. Another little hiss came out like he did at their second wedding.

“Yes, but not for the reason you think.” She stood up. “No touching or hugging or kissing unless I deem it. Same as now. We’ll save that kiss for the eternity marriage.”

“What?”

“I’m saying, you have a promise to keep to your mom, don’t you?” she actually teased. "I'm pretty sure swearing on her and it setting you on fire, means she's getting tired of waiting on you."

"Actually it's because demons can't make that gesture."

Okay also a possibility. "I don't want to imagine what it's like to be so separated from your child." He was quiet. "We do this, and nothing changes until I die, right?"

" . . . right, yeah."

"Then you were supposed to go to the Great Beyond. But." She held her finger up. His eyes were getting waaay too cheery. "It's marriage, but it's a friendly marriage, to make sure, you, go to-!" He was very close, practically touching. "-Where you should have. So, no extra flirting or anything else is needed. Okay?" He was still just looking at her. "Just keep us alive." Why was he still staring at her like that? 

Author's Journal: Thanks so far for all of the love and support for this fanfiction! 😍 

If you get impatient waiting for more Beetlejuice chapters from me, you can check out my completed novel Beetlejuice's Dead Shadow and Betelgeuse. They are based on the cartoon version with an interesting mix of some of the movie elements. Dead Shadow is an especially dark one that takes Beetlejuice closer to the darkness.

Chapter Text

Astrid came back into the room, she didn’t pack much, they never brought much yet. She wasn’t gone very long, but she knew she missed something important.

Her mom looked like she was backing away more from Beetlejuice now, while Beetlejuice seemed to have like . . . a dazed expression. “What did I miss?”

“Hm?” Her mom just noticed her. “Oh. Nothing much.”

Not according to that look on Beetlejuice. “She’s gonna give me the eternity marriage,” Beetlejuice muttered like he couldn’t believe it. 

Astrid wasn’t too surprised. If Beetlejuice should have gone, then he should have gone. Her mom would definitely feel something about the mom too. She might always be wrapped up in black and have a weird and spooky appearance, and attraction to some really weird things, but? She was actually pretty kind.

Too kind. People walked all over her all the time because of it. Even now, her mom was gonna give her eternity to end up with Beetlejuice. And that? Was freaking the poor dead guy out.

He definitely made a move, probably wanting to give her a hug for that. It was basically escaping hell for him. Except if he went against her, he might think her mom would reverse it.

At that point, he’d have to do something super bad for her to do that. “Cool. Are we ready?” They probably needed to head out.

“Right. I’m fine with getting stuff as time goes by,” her mom said to Beetlejuice. “I guess we are ready.”

He was just still staring at her strangely. “So.” He took his hands, placing one low and one higher, and pretending he was trying to frame a portrait. “No date. No kiss. No nothing, and I get eternity marriage.”

Ooooh, I get it now. Mom must have made some kind of condition. Beetlejuice clearly liked her mom, so this might not go as well.

“Not that I don’t appreciate the gesture, I mean hell, going into eternity marriage is a big ask,” he said. “But that contract says it can’t happen that way.”

It couldn’t? “You mean she can’t just decide to give it to you?”

“The relationship with the marriage is the retainer,” Beetlejuice added. “Not just the marriage. If I get eternity marriage, then I get you too.”

Oh shit. I knew that’d come back to haunt me.

“Me?” Her mom was of course confused.

Astrid knew she had to step in now. “If Beetlejuice marries you fully, then there’s no permission asking for things. Like, hand holding or hugging.” Yeah her mom wasn’t looking as well. “Or kissing or anything.”

“The relationship comes with the marriage. And? We are already married,” he reminded her. “Whether you get that or not, so even if I don’t get the eternity marriage, I still have you. I should have had you, it’s the terms of the contract that make me . . . ask for everything.”

“But!” Astrid interrupted, seeing her mom really starting to wonder what the hell was going on. “If you can afford to pay him, then the marriage ends. Remember?”

“In digital accounts though otherwise it’s cash, which means I still get my learning sessions,” he reminded her. “Which is against your little terms you just set.”

Okay, yeah. Not amazed. She could feel he wasn’t actually happy at all.

“Astrid?” Her mom looked at her, with a very serious ‘what did you do?’ expression. “Did you just . . .?”

“I didn’t prostitute you,” Astrid said. “I just set some conditions, so you would feel more comfortable getting to know him. That’s all.” Her mom didn’t seem happy about that at all. Yeah. “We should get going.”

“Just because I marry someone doesn’t mean they can just grab me or do with me what they want,” Lydia said to Beetlejuice. “All of that is up to me, with or without marriage.”

Oh. Yeah. That. Damn.

“So you, what? Plan on just marrying me for an eternity, but never want to kiss me, or touch me, or speak to me, or talk to me?!” He angrily stood up. “You just want to show up when it’s all done, just be on the train, and just shove off together? Huh?!”

Oof. Astrid watched her mother’s actions too.

“I never said whether I would talk or speak to you. I never said I would ignore you! I don’t think I’d want to do that,” she said a little softer. “I am not guaranteeing anything else though. If things . . . happen, they happen.”

“Oh. Sure.” That head nod, he was losing faith. “Here you said you have 20 millions dollars. You’re set, you are all good. You’re just offering this out of what? The kindness of your fucking heart? You’re trying to sneak out of the deal, again!”

Ouch. He sounded hurt at the end. These two are on two different wavelengths. I think it was my fault. She didn’t know Beetlejuice as well. She didn’t want her mom to be as scared. But, she probably shouldn’t have wrapped the relationship that way.

“I’m not! I’m trying to make sure that you don’t go to hell! I’m just tired of the way you keep stringing me along for it!” She yelled at him back. “Y-you keep making these little dates, and these little gestures, and try to create these . . . moments and . . .”

What the hell am I seeing? That was nuts. But. She didn’t. “I need to talk to Beetlejuice.”

“Fine,” her mom uttered as she left the room.

“Beej.”

He sat down, clearly in anger, even lowering his head to stare at the floor.

“I probably shouldn’t have said that. I thought mom would be scared,” Astrid apologized. “I got it backwards. She’s not trying to hurt you.”

“She’s trying to back out,” he muttered.

“No, she isn’t. Mom is . . .” She sighed and bent down in front of him to see his darkened eyes that were shifting between sad and anger. “I think mom actually likes you. I’m not just saying that.”

“Sure.”

“I’m not kidding.” They had a connection. He probably understood it better. “Can’t you tell I’m not lying?”

He lifted his head. “Then why’s she doing that?”

“Because, she’s actually trying to save you because she cares?” How to explain. “Look. You’re not. You’re. You’re kind of. Not her usual type. You're more . . . ”

“A dead demon guy that kills people.”

“Yeah, pretty much. Not exactly something living people flock to. You look scary. You act scary. You get people scared of you. I’m guessing you were actually good and treated mom nice on your date? How’d it go?”

“Greatest one ever,” he muttered. “Didn’t even do much. Can’t do much without the Neitherworld. You are sure this isn't her way of wiggling out of it? Because she already owes me a kiss.”

“She paid you though?”

“She reserved it later, so no, she hasn't technically done that.”

“She still technically?” Beetlejuice sometimes. “Why do you have to make it so hard?”

“I don't make things hard.”

“Yes, you do. You could have easily told me when I asked about the demon thing? Paperwork.”

“Sure, yeah, and then you’d want the details of the paperwork, you’d have to understand the name thing, you’d ask about more because that's what people do, so I covered it all in one short boring film.”

“I don't care if it was boring to you.” She wanted to know. “It was important to me.”

“Yeah.” He sounded different. “Because it was up to me to make you feel better about me? Maybe I would have, if the source wasn't your temporary fucking father that made you doubt me!”

Oh. He wasn't mad about it being boring. Betrayed. Upset. I stopped connecting? “I don't know how to connect. It just happened before. It isn't all the time either.”

“You can't connect if you don't trust the source.” He rubbed his eye. “Death was simpler before you two.”

“Life was simpler before you,” she said right back. “You were pretty cruddy to the Maitlands.”

“We weren't gonna like each other. I tried. I don't get along with every ghost.”

“I heard a lot less trying to get along, and more trying to get with Barbara.” She wasn't letting him wiggle out of it.

He took his head and leaned it back. “I was sentenced to a plane of existence that was just my grave. The model. It wasn't a little vacation. I was in there awhile without anyone to talk to.”

“How long?”

“Since 1871.”

Astrid tried to do the math in her head. “It was like 1988 or so when you met mom. That was around . . . 117 years without interacting.” Oh. “You went bonkers.”

He got a little smirk on his face. “Yeah. I didn't make the best impression. Went for what mattered. I could legally snag a wife, have company with me, they were freshly dead, I took my chance.”

“You took several chances.”

“Yep ‘cause-”

“You were gonna go back down anyway, whether they used you or not.” Yeah. Over 100 years. No one to talk to. “You should tell us about this stuff. We would get along better.” Shouldn't have to try. That's what he's thinking. Should just know. Should be . . . “I get it.”

“Eh.”

“I know what you want. I can feel it now.” Even clearer than she had before. “Do you like Beej? Mom said we needed to call you something different.” No, not for me. You want something else. I know what you want. Will it work? “Does calling your name with a word between trigger your appearance.”

“You already know nothing triggers it. I am free. Do I need to prove that too?”

Getting upset again. Wondering about trust. “Wolf might be around and see it doesn't work.”

“Good point.”

Relieved. So relieved. He doesn't have to prove anything again.

“You finally got the hang of it. Pretty good for a living corpse. I mean a living person. So?”

So. It's not dad. It's close. What is it?

“Processing too hard.” He went over closer to her. “It doesn’t matter to me. Find what you want to call me.”

What she wants to call him. “With that, I could call you Papa Cheese.”

“Look. It’s not like I’ve been around 30 or 40 years. I’ve been around the block, a long, long time.”

“Yeah, the 1300’s.”

“I’ve seen enough families and situations and absolute crap, from the living world to the Neitherworld with family name stuff, so there’s no way I’m touching this. As long as it’s not just my name, call me whatever.”

“Beej is something you really like from mom, I’ve picked that up.” What else? “Bad dad, bad beetle, Dad beetle, dab, bad, bad beetle. bad deetle, dab beetle.” What was it? “Bad Deetlejuice?”

“How the fuck?” Beetlejuice seemed really surprised.

“Bad Deetlejuice? The D and B are flipped?” She couldn’t figure out why he wanted it flipped.

“Because the planes were flipped,” he uttered. “You never got to know me.”

Right. “Deetlejuice.” Now she understood. “Deetle.” Short. “Got it, Deetle.” Yep, that was a definite smirk that he couldn’t hide. “So? About mom?”

“Alright, alright. I’ll listen,” he gave in. “What do you want me to really understand?”

Chapter Text

Lydia walked around the other room. I try to be nice. Gee, I don’t want you to go to hell. Anybody else in the whole world would say ‘gee, thanks!’ What do I get? ‘Oh, you don’t want me to have your body? You are so mean.’

Why? Why was this such a problem? Why did Astrid have to say all that? The permissions should have always been there, not taken away if she eternally married him.

“Hey. I had some one on one time with Astrid.”

Great, him. Be nice, but not too nice. Get too nice, and you end up in trouble. Get too mean, and he’ll leave us for dead. “That’s nice to hear.”

“No, it’s not. You don’t give a shit about that.”

She watched him appear in front of herself.

“Now I know I’m not always the best with my choice of words or actions or any of that shit, so I get it. Plus, you know, you thought I was a wicked demon, when it turns out I’m just mainly wicked.” He added a chuckle. “Okay, not good.” He moved his hands between them as he wore, once again, his therapy outfit. “We are going to have to get better at our communication if we are ever going to get anywhere. I’ll go first. I want to fucking tear that contract into shreds, but it’s also saving me from your flightiness.”

He moved to the other side of her. “I’m gonna do something, and I’m only gonna do it once because you need to see it. After that? Well shit, I might still do it for like a musical number or something, but you know I won’t do it this way again. Maybe in the far future with more breakthroughs on your side.”

What was he talking about? “What are you doing to do?”

“First? Will you get rid of the permissions in the contract? You know, the stuff that says I can only touch you with permission?”

“I’d . . . rather not.”

“Does it make you feel safe? Like it’s protecting you?”

Oh. “I don’t mean your a bad guy.”

“Yeah I am, I kill people.”

“I mean.” Oof. “I don’t want you to just . . .” Control her. “I’m a friend.”

Beetlejuice moved his hands between the two of them. “Okay, a little bit of sharing with absolutely no progress on your side. Knew that was coming. Tried anyhow. Something about being isolated over 100 years really makes a person want to skip all the bullshit, you know? I love you.”

Oh, not this.

“If I didn’t, and I absolutely wanted just your body? I’d do this.”

Lydia was trying to put together everything that just happened. Her breathing was rapid. She was left in nothing but a very small negligee with no bra, no panies, no nothing, and she had whisked herself straight into his arms, less than an inch from his face. She was absolutely frozen, unable to move or speak.

“Permission is physical touch,” he said to her, only touching her cheek. “I can manipulate your body to do just about anything, juice was never a part of the contract.”

As quickly as she was placed in the position, she was back in her regular clothes again and he had whisked her backwards as he stepped away. “The permissions meant nothing.” This whole time. He could have done anything at anytime with his juice and it wouldn't have been against the contract.

“Yeah, there’s something else too. I didn’t want to tell you considering how you thought I was going to actually kill you after I got a full marriage.” He took a deep breath. “I’m free. I’ve been freed since the marriage in Vegas.”

Freed?

“Go ahead, say it.”

She called his name three times, and he didn’t move.

“Yeah. I’ve been dealing with Wolf for you, for this, but it turned out to be a good thing,” he said. “Okay.”

She felt herself falling backward into a chair.

“Lot of sharing on this side. Need some communication on yours because you completely ignore my connection to you. Most times you can’t even feel it. You keep taking it as just some ‘supernatural thing’ which is . . .” He bobbed his head around. “A little hurtful, not gonna lie. We are going to make some kind of progress though before we head out.”

Progress. “You can take out the permissions, and I don’t blame you for lying.” She was pretty frightened after the wedding because of that. Having him secured felt safe. This whole time, he was never safe. But. He never actually hurt me either.

“Little progress there.” He sat with a memo pad and made his notes. “Now. Do you know that you love me back yet?”

Uh, what?

“Yeah, didn’t think so.” He crossed something out on his list. “Well, I love you, so when you are ready to say you love me? We are going to have soooo much s- extra communication.”

What was that last line?

“So what is it you need to tell me? I am here and open for you.”

Tell him. What did he want her to say? “I am . . . not pleased about how you took my offer of basically keeping you out of hell.”

“When you love someone the way I do you, it's not easy to hear they want a friendly marriage. How does that strike you for an answer?”

He was doing it again. “You keep saying love like that word is nothing at all.”

“That word is everything, which is why you are having trouble saying it. Call it my age. Call it the long sentence. I have no problem saying those words to you. Hell. Maybe the over 600 age gap was exactly what you needed for a husband after all?” He looked at his memo. “Anything else you want to share?”

“Are you taking it or not? It wasn't a small offer. It's my soul after death,” she pointed out.

“Alright, still some blockage.” He got up, went over by her, and sat on the arm of her chair. “I like not going to hell, don't get that wrong but with the words you used, I can't accept it. Let's find different words.”

Different words.

“How about after it's all over, you promise to give me an eternal marriage, and you promise to at least stay with me.”

Oh. Oh! “You mean you just want me to say that I will stay with you?” Was it really that simple?

“Well what I really want is a thousand different kind of experimental sexual experience awakenings with you, but that's not exactly comfortable language for you.”

“No, it's not at all.” They would stick with that just staying thing.

“It also means you could be open to having more happen, but it shouldn't be a big deal. By then, you know, should already be a couple anyhow.”

Oh. The way he was using the word love and couple so freely.

“There's something else I want to get rid of in it. Do you know what that is?”

Yes. “The marriage loss if I can pay.”

“Right. So if we get rid of permissions, have an eternity marriage and keep the regular marriage. Then what's left of the contract?”

“Just payment and hygiene.”

“I promise to make sure you don't die from hanging out with me. I never needed payment to protect my own family. I just needed you two to get it first so you didn't call me away again forever like you did at our second wedding. Best behavior possible for you, and you still didn't get it, or give me time. I couldn't take that risk again. Anyhow, Astrid’s got it, so I'm fifty percent there.” He made the contract appear. “You have let me down twice. We all really have to trust each other to get through this, but hey, if you do fuck up this time, I know my daughter's got it now.” He threw the memo pad across the room. “The contract was lit for it's time.” The contract started to burn away. “It's lit now.” It burned quickly in a blaze with nothing remaining. “Now it's gone, like last year’s fashion.”

He really did that? For her?

“Fuck, I forgot to cover the dating!”

“Two learning sessions a week.” She wouldn't mess it up. “Did you really do that?”

“Yeah. Way better choice than Rory, wasn't I?”

“How did you get this far in trusting me? In two days. Leaning into three.”

“Two things. What's quick to you doesn't matter to me. Time's less of a thing when your dead. Second thing is connections.”

He came closer to her. “Connections are a real good way to know what's what.”

Her body was feeling so warm again. Her ears started to ring.

“Astrid got really good at it, tell her she can't do something and she'll give you the biggest fuck you and do it.” A small cackle. “Just like I always wanted for her. Anyway, one day you'll get over the ‘I can't kiss a dead guy' thing. Death is a hell of a lot longer than life. Thanks for the eternity marriage.”

He got rid of the contract. No payments. No loyalty. It was never needed to protect my family. Those words. Astrid truly was his daughter to him. She was truly his wife to him.

His antics being less perverted. His energy being a smidge less coffee induced. His romantic senses during the first marriage, and especially during the second.

It wasn't a trick. It was all him. I shouldn't have immediately just called him away.

She went over and hugged him. Willingly for the first time.

He was a trickster demon. He was definitely a bad guy who killed people. He also really loved her. How did this ever happen? How? “Thanks for trusting me. I won't run away again.”

“Just make sure you let me know the minute you finally realize you love me,” he said. “For now, I gotta get you on the road.” He looked at her hopefully. “Unless it happened? You finally hugged me and you are a lot more willing? I can easily yank us to the model, put up walls between us, and we could-”

“No.” No way.

“Thought so, but we definitely made another breakthrough.” He let go her. “I scared the shit out of Richard for taking Astrid's trust from me. Thought I might have lost you again all over too.”

Yeah. “I knew you stayed longer for a reason there.” Richard really was confused. “If you just tell him ‘paperwork’, he will probably be better.”

“Eh. He sicked Delores on us, I don't think he can do worse.” He pulled her in closer for a hug. “He is also still in love with you so fuck him.”

His words weren't nice but she got it. From day one, he had just been bluntly honest. He is a weird and funny man that isn't going to ever hurt us. Just protect us.

“Hey, are we going now?” Astrid said as she came in the room. “Did you two work out things? It feels like you worked out things.”

“Yep,” Beetlejuice said. “Once we get your mom to realize her feelings are stronger than friendship, I will really be on the way. For now, let's head out.” This time, he took the front door. “Ah. Fresh air in the morning filling the dead lungs!” He started to hack and head out.

Lydia looked at her daughter. “He got rid of the contract.”

“Everything but the dates. I figured. Sorry I made it sound like you were a hooker, Mom,” Astrid apologized. “I was trying to protect you.”

“I know you were. It did make me feel better for the time being. I know he's free too,” she told him. “He also wasn't nice to your father. When we see him again, he’ll definitely have some words against him.”

“I get it. I am not the same this time,” Astrid promised her. “I know that Deetle is a bad guy, but he's also a good guy. At least for us.”

Deetle?

“Hey! Not getting any younger over here!” He yelled from outside.

Right. Time to move on.

Author's Journal: I have been waiting to get to these chapters. Next will be our road trip. There might be some surprising developments in there.:) I took a little time away to write on another Beetlejuice movie fanfiction I started called Beetlejuice's Bride. It takes place just a week after the movie, and it starts off killing Lydia and Astrid and we go from there.^^ I am going to be writing on BEETLE3JUICE more first than that one, since it's almost in my top five fanfictions. (A huge thank you to all the supporters, especially repeat and deep commenters.)

I will also be writing a little more on my Beetlejuice's Different Eternities. I shouldn't be surprised that one went unpaused. (LOL.)

Explanation about pausing: If you've looked at my other stuff and see a lot of Status: Paused, it means the fanfiction is going, it just doesn't have reader support right now. I usually have conditions on them that are really low to get them moving (one person's comment, bookmark, or kudos is enough to get a story update.) Meanwhile to get a new written chapter it usually takes 3-5 readers support. Without that, it's more of a hit/view thing. (I also reserve the right to just write and bring it out whenever too of course. I do that too, but I try to limit that now so I can concentrate what readers want too. While it does take time to write, it does also take commitment to read.)

This method has really helped me with finding the right stories that people are reading. You've never seen this on BEETLE3JUICE because it's been shown love since day one.:) 

This method might seem unfair to a lot of people, but writing free content does take time, and the payoff is usually knowing people appreciate it. It's just a human thing, to know you are appreciated.

Now excuse me, I need to go travel back to the past to the first movie and cartoon for Different Eternities again.:)

Chapter Text

“Mom?”

“Yes, Astrid?”

“Deetle is asleep.”

Lydia was sitting in the drivers seat with Astrid in the passenger seat. Beej had taken a spot in one of the chairs behind them. It was moved more toward the side to bring the model. Free or not, losing his grave wasn't smart.

There was no way he was really asleep. He was probably just trying to give them alone time. “It’s fine. Maybe he doesn’t think they’ll strike during the day.”

“I don’t see it.” She took something out of her pocket and turned right around to throw it in the back. “He didn’t duck that, he is really asleep.”

“What did you just throw, Asterid?” her mother asked.

“Soap. Unauthorized touch of soap should have made him move.” Astrid looked back at her mom. “So? Aren’t you going to ask about Deetle?”

Right. “As long as he doesn’t mind and it’s not his name that will mess with the curse wording, I don’t mind it,” Lydia answered.

“It’s short for Bad Deetlejuice,” she said. She turned herself fully back around to face the front. “He wanted the B and D flipped.”

B and D flipped? Then it would be Dad Beetle . . .? Oh. “Is that okay with you?”

“For a guy that curses a lot, it’s interesting how he handles things. He said he wanted it flipped, since we were on opposite planes. I never got to know him.” She shrugged. “A part of me didn’t feel right when I called Dad Richard just dad in front of him. He was there a lot, but I still . . .”

“But you never knew,” Lydia said. Astrid was working things out well. “He probably would have been a good dad.” She noticed a small beetle bug moving across her dashboard and snatched it. She reached down for the little baggies they kept between them for future little snack foods. Grabbing an empty one she pocketed it.

“Mom?”

“Hm?” Lydia kept driving.

“I can never decide who’s more disturbing.”

What did she mean by that? “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

Oh, Astrid. She wasn’t having another moment again, was she? They were getting along so well. What could have happened. “Are you sure?”

“It’s nothing too important.” Astrid looked back again. “He’s still asleep. That’s worrying.”

“Well, I am stopping for gas soon, then we’ll check up on him.”

When Lydia stopped for gas, she grabbed her little baggie and moved toward the back.

She took the tiny beetle out of the bag. It wasn’t half as big as the ones in the Neitherworld.

She placed it on his nose. It didn’t skitter too far when he ate it like a venus flytrap. She watched him stretch and yawn.

“Breakfast in bed, Honey, you shouldn’t have,” he teased. “Where are we?”

“Stopping for gas. You fell asleep,” Astrid complained to him from the side.

“It’s safe right now,” he said. “Hey, I try to be great, but everyone needs rest. I didn’t get much last night.” He got out of the camper with them. “Ooh, sun directly on the skin.”

Yeah, it wasn’t his best look. Out in the sun, everything about him looked twice as grimy. “It won’t be too bad when we go in. Want some snacks?”

“Your treat?”

“Of course.”

“We’ll see. Depends on what they have.”

Astrid watched Deetle pick up Zagnut bars. Like eight of them? She didn’t know he was such a fan of chocolate. She herself grabbed a basic bar and some peanuts. “Want some peanuts too, Deetle?”

“Nah, not useful.” He kept looking around.

She watched her mom come over with some peanuts and a container of honey. She handed the honey to him.

“You know me so well,” He grinned at her as he took the honey. “I’m good now.”

“I figured,” her mom just said to him. “Let’s pay for the gas then.” She walked past Astrid. “Did you get what you wanted?”

“Yeah.” She went toward the counter with each of them, when she just realized people were staring at Beetlejuice kind of weirdly. How’d I miss that? She even made a big deal out of that. He didn’t come in being invisible to everyone, he came in like it was perfectly fine.

It’s like her mom didn’t even notice it either as she paid.

“Killer costume,” the cashier said to him.

“Half of that statement’s right,” Beetlejuice said as they went back to the camper.

All in all, a normal experience. Astrid noticed Deetle didn’t feel like eating anything yet. When he got back in and they started driving, he went back to sleep. “Are you starting to trust him now?”

“Yes.” Her mom didn’t hesitate. “If he needs rest, he needs rest. He won’t put us in harm’s way to take a nap.”

“Yeah.” He never would. They would all be sleeping safely though in the model later. He could sleep more comfortably in the model. There must be a reason he was able to sleep.

Wait. She couldn’t make it out, but she could have sworn. “Grandma Delia?”

“Are you kidding?” A high pitched yet definite Grandma Delia’s voice resonated through the camper. “How’d you figure it out?”

Grandma Delia. Astrid was happy to see her still okay. “What are you doing?”

“Enjoying the drive,” she answered.

“What’s wrong, Astrid?” Her mom asked her. “I’m sure your grandma will be fine.”

“Don’t tell your mother. They put something over on my form, and it’s only supposed to be seen if someone specifically wants to see me.” She smiled. “I doubt your mother will ever see me then. Oh, it had a name. It’s like? It’s not a job, it’s not. It’s for good. It’s a non-profit position to help out.”

“Wolf?”

“Yes, for now. Now do you think the ceremony should be black and green, black and red, or black and light blue?”

Oh, that’s why Beetlejuice was taking real naps. Even with some kind of shielding around her grandmother, he must have still sensed her. “Mom?” Astrid looked toward her mom. “What colors do you think you want at the wedding?” Her expression. “Red and black would look nice. There’s also maybe black and green, or black and a light blue?”

“Why are you asking me about that?” Her mom asked. “I don’t know. I didn’t get active in planning weddings.”

“If you don’t speak up, you know you’ll walk into some all white church wedding you’ll hate,” Astrid said knowing her. “It’s just colors.”

“I don’t know, Astrid. I guess? Maybe black and green.”

“Smart girl,” her grandmother said to her. “Luring your mom to answer my questions, that’s brilliant. Okay, Beetlejuice tends to handle her wedding dress. Gorgeous red. What about the bouquet? Black or red? Actually you know what, we’ll get red, and if she wants black, she can get her groom to change the colors. Now, hors doeuvres.” She brought out another piece of paper. “We can go super fancy with snails. They are elegant, and I know the groom will devour them too. Everyone can eat happily without grossing each other out. We’ll need more though for variety and we’ll need something to drink.” She turned her finger in a circle. “Turn around now, we don’t want to give away my presence. I’m like a secret weapon.”

Secret weapon. Well, the secret part was right on point. She turned back around to look face forward. One week in a car, and then the next several months stuck in a house. Better enjoy it while you can.

Chapter Text

Lydia continued to drive toward the first goal point. The Mark Twain House and Museum. It was a distance but that was the point, to drive across-

She jumped as her window turned into metal. She glanced back and saw Beetlejuice already gone. “We just started.”

“That was loud,” Astrid complained.

“I didn’t even hear it,” Lydia said to her. She was just driving. There was something going on the roof now. She watched as someone fell off to the road.

“So did we make it a couple of hours?” Beetlejuice asked as he appeared next to her.

“We made it three,” Astrid said. “Almost three.”

“Yeah. Gonna make it harder to go on a date tonight,” he said to Lydia. “How about I take you out to the real movies when I get access to the Neitherworld again?”

A Neitherworld movie?

“You have to come too,” Beetlejuice said to Astrid. “You are the third wheel, I’m mainly going to be focusing on your mom, but it’s too dangerous to split up yet.”

“I feel so wanted,” Astrid said sarcastically. “What are we going to see?”

“A classic, you’ll love it. Well, maybe not you,” he said to Astrid. He looked back toward Lydia. “You will love it. It’s called The Tongue that Ate Chicago.”

Uh?

“Yes, and you can come too, Delia. Man, she gets uppity.”

Delia? “What do you mean?”

“I didn’t blow your cover, she’d eventually figure it out.”

What?

“Grandma Delia’s in the back,” Astrid told her. “She’s got something over her so it’s hard to see her at first.”

“Delia?” Lydia glanced in the back and could now see her. That’s why Beetlejuice got some rest.”

“Oh, hello,” Delia said too chirpily. “Were you finally thinking of me so you can see me? Last time you saw me everything was in a terrible predicament, I can’t believe you took until now to remember me.”

Oh Delia. “Yes, Delia, I remember you.” She couldn’t glance back very long though, she was driving. “It’s good to see you are okay.” I should have guessed. Why else would Astrid be asking her wedding questions? Along with Beetlejuice resting. Delia probably yelled, and since she hadn’t seen her yet, she didn’t hear her either.

Officer Wolf was waiting out in the middle of the road. “Beej?”

“Huh.” Beetlejuice disappeared and went to them outside.

Lydia slowed down and stopped, getting out with Astrid. On the side of the road, was a huge bus.

“I moved you up to medium, unti high,” Officer Wolf told her. “I was going to wait, but when I went to check things over, I just found someone taken care of on the road.”

“It was the first bump in the ride,” Beetlejuice told him.

Lydia looked at the bus. Spooky Tours. There looked to be several people on it already.

“What we have here?” Wolf went right over to the bus and slapped it twice. “Is one of the best pieces of machinery you could ask for. It’s composed of a bus that looks like standard living metal, as well as a bus full of ordinary looking people. Around their necks they are all wearing fancy cameras. These people? They want to see ghosts and the sites. They will be taking pictures.” A camera light flashed. “Constantly.”

He went toward Lydia. “Rule number one is the living can never have proof of life after death. Sentencing isn’t light in this ordeal, it’s the reason they usually strike at night.”

Lydia looked down when she felt new weight around her. A camera. Asterid had a camera now too.

“That rule is what is going to keep you alive. These guys aren’t even living, but much like we covered another presence nearby you,” he said, hinting at Delia. “It’s a very similar concept. Only people who know or recognize them, will see them as they really are.” he gestured to the windows. “We’ve got men, we’ve got women, and we’ve even got children involved.”

There were two more flashes.

Hiding among the tourists. “Beej?”

“Oh yeah, this’ll work,” he agreed. “Nobody wants to get a sentence because of proof after life. It’s not pretty. Meanwhile, the few that are willing to risk it, are going to be a little more careful. It’ll give me more time to spot them.”

“Yes, and?” He pulled out some kind of card from his pocket. “You now have special permission to enter the Neitherworld again, Mister Juice.” He handed it over. “So that you can get a head start on some important things.”

“Yeah,” Beetlejuice uttered. “Got it.” He pocketed it.

“Oh, I know you do, Mister Juice. I’m going to make sure that the medium protection stays above board.” He gestured to the bus. “Come on, everyone.”

“My grave though,” Beetlejuice pointed out. “It’s not exactly gonna fit on a bus.”

“Cut the grave out and leave the rest behind,” Wolf insisted.

Oh. That whole surrounding, feeling like Winter River in the model. He’d had that for some time.

“It’ll be easier to hide it when we are sleeping,” he tried to reason with himself.

“Does he have to lose all of it?” Lydia had to ask. “If the bus is magical, can we make another room and stuff it in the back?”

Officer Wolf didn’t look so pleased. “For a whole model?”

“It’s an heirloom I want to keep safe,” Lydia covered for him. “It’s all I have left of the Maitlands. They moved on.”

“Okay fine, we’ll fix a small area in the back for it,” Wolf agreed. “Now come on board.”

Lydia came on board behind Wolf.

“You are sitting there, in the aisle seat,” he insisted. “Beetlejuice will be on the other side.”

Beetlejuice snapped a picture with his own camera draped over him. “I’m gonna capture so many moments.”

“In disguise,” Wolf insisted.

“Oh yeah, sure.” He placed himself into a black shirt with green writing saying Spooky Tours and regular pants with shades. “How’s this?”

“Hide the hair.”

He put a beanie over his head.

“Good, good. You can sit next to her. Astrid will be on the other side, sitting with me.”

With him? “You are coming too?”

“Yes,” Wolf grinned. “I want to make sure that everything is running above board. Completely.” He was staring at Beetlejuice most of that time.

“Guessing this pass already works,” Beetlejuice muttered.

“You bet,” Wolf said. “With all this added security, your bound to be able to concentrate on important things.”

“Yeah, I get it.” Beetlejuice sat down.

“What about the camper?” Astrid asked.

“It’s already gone. Everything but the model. It’s in the back.” He looked toward Lydia. “Don’t worry, Babe. I found room.”

Lydia sat down along with Astrid. There were a lot more safeguards this time.

Maybe they could actually make more than three hours this time without someone trying to kill them?

Chapter Text

Lydia looked out the window. Four hours had passed. Five. Six. Time went by on that bus. She glanced over toward Beej who was staring at the honey he had smeared against the bus sill of the window. “Beej?”

“Uh huh.”

“This is . . . actually working,” she said.

“Of course it is.” He was still waiting for a decent amount to gather. “You’re a big payout, but who wants to risk getting sent straight to hell?”

“Straight to hell?”

“First class entrance, no lines. The dead already know not to cross the line you did with your show. Why do you think there’s still no proof?” he pointed out. “It’s the big time no, even beginners learn it first.”

Wow. “If I die, will I get charged with that?”

He just glanced back at her. “No way, because you were just a living human, doing what living humans do. And it’s not if, it’s when.”

When. She looked over toward Astrid. She was actually getting some sleep?

Wolf just smiled over at her. “A little knockout for her. You guys have probably been missing some sleep. Don’t you worry, Little Lady. This ride is gonna keep you safe and sound. Everyone on this bus but you two can feel the presence of someone new, and they will hold up their camera so fast. It’s only happened a couple of times.”

A couple of times? So it was still happening, they just weren’t telling them.

“Nothing to worry about, Babe,” Beetlejuice promised. “So relax. Let the honey lure the insects in, with a few more flies . . . maybe one more fly. I’m impatient.”

Lydia just tried to hide a small smile.

“This should actually be enough protection the whole time,” Wolf told her. “Mister Juice is the one that wants the high protection.”

Yeah. He wanted the best they could get.

“This should stop just about everyone but Delores,” Wolf warned her. “She’s already facing hell. She’s got nothing to lose.”

“Hey, can we not talk about the ex wife please?” Beetlejuice asked. “It’s almost dinnertime. Oh yeah.” He looked back toward her. “I could get you something to eat?”

Juicing up food. She was a little hungry. She ate her peanuts some time ago. “I guess I could try?”

His face just lit up. “Name it, I’ll get it. Michelin Star. Dirty Fast Food. Whatever you want.”

“I’m on a bus, it would be kind of hard to eat a lot.” He juiced up a tray, perfect size for her lap. “Okay. How about just a bowl of . . . something.” What did she want?

“Bowl of shrimp? Bowl of grapes? Bowl of tomatoes? Bowl of fruit? Bowl of cereal?” He had added all the options there for her.

Honestly, the shrimp looked good. She didn’t want cereal. Grapes would be the best for her.

She just glanced back at him. He was just staring so hard at her. I’ve never eaten anything he juiced up before. Not a whole lot of it. She went ahead and picked up the grapes. She popped one in her mouth.

It honestly tasted like a real grape. A real fresh grape. “Thanks.” She ate the grapes, and then the shrimp. She watched her daughter sleep peacefully away. She watched Beetlejuice watching his dinner slowly add up. A part of her didn’t ask why he didn’t conjure his own insects, but realized she might not like the answer, and probably not while eating.

She ate some of the fruit. She even had room for the tomatoes.

She looked around everything again. Someone was always talking to another person or taking snapshots of outside. Watching outside. Some sang every once in awhile. Some played board games.

And. Are we finally safe? She felt an arm wrap around her, as Beetlejuice pulled her toward him lightly. He didn’t say anything. She didn't know why he did that, so she didn't move. It was oddly comfortable. Like a pillow. It's so peaceful.

Beetlejuice held her sleeping body. “I owe you for the borrow, Wolf.”

“Yeah, don’t mention it.” He waved it off. “Mom and daughter needed real sleep. They both seem to be doing real well with medium. You sure you want to put it to high? Sometimes the best protection is just somewhere in the middle.” He gestured to his arm. “That’s not gonna happen in high. You sure you want to follow the plan?”

Holding Lydia. “This wasn’t supposed to happen for at least a couple more days.” Ever since he talked it out with her, she’d changed her attitude toward him. Breakfast in bed. Buying him honey. She didn’t react at all when he put his arm around her without asking.

He looked at all his goodies laying on the bus’ window sill. He looked at Lydia. The sill. Lydia.

“You are still a long ways off,” Wolf said.

“Maybe not as far as you think.” If he was close to a kiss, he’d need to keep his mouth moderately clean. She wasn’t going to just kiss him after eating a ton of insects. But? She did buy him the honey.

“I think she just feels safe enough to finally get some real sleep,” Wolf mentioned to him. “I wouldn’t put much more stock into it. You’re a bad mess, Beetlejuice. Either way, you still owe me.”

Medium. They were both doing better. Did he need to crank it to high? Lydia is sleeping on me. She didn’t back away. Was medium enough? “We’ll try medium a bit longer. Meanwhile, I should probably move them to some comfy pj’s and a real bed. In a few more minutes.” When he woke Lydia up, it’d probably be awhile before she would drift back to his arms.

Especially if he turned it to high. But? “Medium won’t protect her from Delores, Wolf. When she gets out, I need high.” It was the only protection she had.

“Yeah. You are right there,” Wolf agreed. “Maybe wait to turn it to high until she needs to come out then?”

“I am so tired of that woman, I should just grab her by the hair and throw her into hell myself!”

Yeah, yeah. Delia.

“This is really a very stupid idea for high. You will lose them.”

“No, that’s the point of high.” He couldn’t lose them.

“I don’t mean physically, I mean emotionally! It is not going to be easy again to regain that trust. Especially with Astrid. Really. When Delores comes out, you should give her a stern talking to. Tell her to stay away from your family.”

“People like Delores don’t listen to reason,” Wolf answered for him. “She’d exorcise someone just for information.”

“I think it’s personally stupid. We should all stay at medium, and you just figure out what to do about your ex wife. I mean, look at her.” Delia gestured toward Lydia. “She’s practically in your lap. She’s been very sweet today, and if you keep her safe but out in the real world, she will only get sweeter.”

Which would make the high setting even worse when he flipped.

“Tell them that medium is good enough, Son-in-Law.”

Beetlejuice glanced at her. He didn’t have any money, but he had power, and Delia knew that well. To her, power and money were interchangeable. She said Son-In-Law, but she really didn’t mean that. However, she was also dead, and could sense the power that Lydia and Astrid couldn’t.

She was part being nice to him because he was family, but she was also being nice to him because he had power to her. It was never easy to figure out how to handle her when she rubbed up with both.

“I kind of agree with her,” Wolf said. “I mean, these are the only dead that can break the rule of proof of death after life, and they have the easiest way to get it shown. You know we almost got two of them sent to hell already, with one that did.”

Beetlejuice nodded, he knew that. Words didn’t need to be shared, those cameras were more than just a threat. It looked like Wolf was throwing in something extra if they did get something captured. “What does a winner get?”

“Property,” Wolf said.

Property. Real property? “Can I win?”

“No.”

Damn! Real property? These people would be more obsessed to photograph someone than a human snapping a photo of bigfoot. For fucking property, he’d do it too if he could.

“I’ve got two shifts of people too,” Wolf told him. “This is shift one. I’ll be bringing in shift two in an hour.”

Everyone would always be bright and alert. Ready to go. “Maybe medium would be okay until Delores.” A couple of months. “They wanted to see spooky stuff. Better spooky stuff, but something’s better than nothing.” He just had a piece of paper waving in front of him. “Oh, fuck you, Wolf, let me in on that.”

It was a picture of not just land, but a home on top of it. Not juiced, stable. Stable wood, stable window, and stable doors.

“Nope, but that is what is keeping you safe. I got enough land for two groups. I only got enough land for two groups. Half of these ghosts are great people on the force, while the other half are actually well known photographers. Ansel Adams. Henri Cartier-Bresson. Dorothea Lange will be coming up in the next group.”

Well? At least they were all really ready and primed to snap shots and send people to hell. “What’s the first stop?”

“Mark Twain’s house,” Wolf said.

Probably a similar list to what he had. At least twenty ghosts actively trying to snap a shot for the prize of property, people staying away knowing that hell wouldn’t be fun, and even Delia, still under the best protection of all. Even the ghosts in the car didn’t know she was there right behind him. It just looked like an empty seat.

Unless things went sour, and it was time to pull the trigger and turn it to high?

Let them enjoy their two months.

Author's Journal: Usually I have more chapters in an update, but I have a busy week this week. Really stressful day yesterday, a lot of uncertain health issues hitting me right now at once. Stress doesn't make for a great time to make chapters, but writing does make me feel better, so I still wrote a chapter. It was simple, but I needed simple.:) Hopefully soon this uncertainty can be handled better more and I can dig into this story really hard again. I am also writing on some other stories too, but those will probably be more on the simple side as well until I start to feel better. The biggest anxious date for me is October 29th right now, so don't be surprised if you end up having more light-hearted and simpler chapters until then.

Chapter Text

Richard stood up for a little while in his confinement. He had to think. “Excuse me?”

He stared at a man poking his head through the bars. It was longer than it should have been. This person had quite a bit of power.

“Do you think you could help me with a problem? I set a Soul Sucker loose on a demon called Beetlejuice I want to get rid of, but instead it’s going after my ex-wife. It wants to take her out first.” They laughed at him, along with the others in his area. “I need to protect her, but get rid of him. Any ideas?”

No one spoke up at all. “Fine then. I’ll figure out something.” There must be a way to protect their souls from the demon. All that woman could have for a soul was Beetlejuice, but after that, was anyone fair game? He didn’t want to put his families souls on the line afterward. “I only have a few months before she goes to hell.”

“Did you say the name Beetlejuice?” The person who looked at him asked. “Your problem is Beetlejuice?”

“Yes.” Perhaps he knew the demon?

“He owes me money, and he’s never paid up,” they muttered. “He’s owed it for 200 years.” From the long neck, a hand appeared to rub his chin. “What would you give to protect your family?”

“I’d give anything. I don’t want their souls taken,” Richard insisted. “Just his demonic soul.”

“Mmm.” He backed away.

Richard had not seen him again. Time had passed by while he spent his sentence away. Then one day while eating, the long necked ghost looked back into his cage.

“Beep Beep, Richie.”

Oh, the long necked person had come back.

“Recite this, Richie.”

De mundo vivorum audeo in iterum . . . He knew what that had been. “I’m already dead, you can’t flip with anything.”

“Then if I can’t flip with anything? Recite it.”

Richard looked at it again. He was still too new. Older ghosts knew so much more, especially in the way of languages. He’d been taught about that incantation though. “What is the point of it?”

“You want to take down that juicy beetle boy? I want to take him down more. Recite it, and I’ll take him out.”

It didn’t make any sense. That only flipped the dead to the living, with a living soul. Why was this ghost wanting him to recite it?

“I guess you don’t care enough about your family after all,” he said. “Too bad. You’ll just rot away here, while he enjoys your used to be family. Is your daughter calling him dad yet?”

Richard wiped his brow. He recited what the ghost had given him.

Then? He pulled his neck back into his jail cell. That was beside the person who looked like him? “What happened?”

“You just got 3,000 years pennance, you have fun!” The person who looked just like him cackled. “In exchange for your 30 year sentence I’m taking, I’ll keep my end of the deal. I am going to take care of Beetle boy first before I serve it. He owes me. I’m taking that pretty wife of his, and maybe his other wife. He’s got more than enough to share around.”

What? What?! “You stole my body!”

“This isn’t a body. You’re dead, this is just your suit. Without it, your soul moves off to being exorcised. So, calm down and have fun. I am going to take care of him like promised, remember?” He walked right between the prison bars and disappeared.

Ooh, looky, looky, Jerry. He went past the waiting room to look for the old ex of Beetlejuice's. First, he was going to need her for the next part of the plan. Unconscious and not ready. All severed up. Poor thing. “Don’t worry.” Jerry juiced up a staple gun. “I’ll give you a hand.”

He stapled her all back together. “Wakey, wakey, baby.”

She stared at him as she woke up. She focused on him as she stood up. “Where is Betelgeuse?”

“We are going to take him down. I need a little bit of help from you. First of all?” He gestured to himself. “I switched with this idiot. I’m not the same on the outside, but hey, it’s only got a 30 year pennance, and then it goes to move on. So? Pretty lady. I saw from your charts you have to go to hell in three months. Why don’t we help each other out because I love that wedding dress on you.”

She glanced at him for a little while, and started to suck at him.

“I don’t mind sucking, but not in that way.”

She moved closer. “You aren’t him.”

“I just told you that. Your ex owes me a lot of money, and I’m taking what I’m owed.”

“You aren’t a demon, but you are something foul,” she said, sensing something. “This is not the first body you stole.”

“Yeah, you caught me.” He grinned at her. “I'm Jerry. I have been trying to upgrade for some time. I was tired of people treading on me!” He laughed out loud. She didn’t seem to get it. “It’s okay. My jokes usually fall a little flat.” He laughed again. “Yeah, those jokes don’t work anymore in other forms. It’s the only thing I miss about my original flat suit. Now?” He had a pretty ring ready for her. “How would you like an all access pass to The Great Beyond instead of hell?”

Oh, what a wicked smile she had. “What are you wanting?”

“Justice. I’m tired of being walked on,” he declared. “Also, you stole a lot of power from this suit.”

“Fair is fair,” she answered. “That power is mine by contract.”

“That power is shared by contract, so I am taking some back. If you want more, then be agreeable.” Oh, she tried sucking at him again. “Fine, 50/50.” She kept staring at him oddly. Probably wondering if there was a way to get to Beetlejuice in any other way. “I’ll let you suck out his soul still, Honey, but fair is fair. You can be wife number one, and once he’s been exorcised, the other wife is wife number two.”

“Greedy.”

“Yeah, you should understand that real well. Get his soul and your immortality.”

“I need to wed him,” she insisted. “He is currently married. She must die.”

Oh, this woman. “Fine, kill her, but don’t exorcise her. Marry him, exorcise him, and then you can marry me and so can she.” He looked proud. “Two wives. So many things to do with two wives. I should probably buy a book for it.”

“What is your plan?” she insisted.

“First step. We are dealing with the one that isn’t going to be a wife. Well, to me.” He showed her the contract. “All of this, for such a cheap price.”

“If I kill her, I get the money for her? It says so in here.”

“Yeah. I’m going to be getting the money for the daughter here real, real soon.” He watched her sign it. Good. “Let’s go get a real demon.”

“Hello. I’m Richard.” The civil servant grabbed his hand and immediately checked his prints. That was normal, no one wanted to be polite, just do what they had to do.

“What do you want?” they asked.

“Less than a year ago or so, someone went to hell that wasn’t supposed to go there,” Jerry said as Richard. “There was an incident of a human breaking into the afterlife, and he got tumbled into the mess. His name was Jeremy Frazier.”

Yeah, the guy didn’t look well. “They went to hell, before their time? Shit. Shit. Shit!” He called out for assistance. Someone came and he handed them the key. “Fetch Jeremy Frazier from hell.”

“Fetch someone from hell?” The poor assistant didn’t look well. “Do we have to?”

“They can’t go there, unless they are supposed to go there.” He dug up the profile and showed him. “He had to spend 125 years at his house and then move on. He didn’t get that. I’m not dealing with anyone about this, just fetch them.”

“Do I have to?” the assistant asked again. “Can’t we pretend it’s fine?”

“It’s better not to do that,” Jerry said, still pretending to be Richard, but not letting this go. “It’s best to just correct the mistake right away. I know from working in the offices too, it’s better not to get the big boss breathing down your neck.” Oh, his long neck body was gone now too. That joke wouldn’t work either anymore. He really needed to start working on new material with fishes.

“Which offices?” the assistant asked.

“The waiting rooms, in the back,” he said.

The assistance held the keys and went over toward the instant door to hell. His boss filled out a small memo for him, while also tying him up. “Don’t let go.” He opened the trap door and jumped in.

Jerry waited for some time with his future wife, watching the assistant come up, burned and covered in soot. Right after him?

Jeremy Frazier crawled out of the door so quickly, squirming on the ground. He was charred beyond belief, but the effects of hell would leave for the effects of the Neitherworld. In fact? “I. I.” He shook his head. “What happened?”

Memories of Elysian Fields, The Pearly Gates, The Great Beyond, or the Fires of Damnation disappeared when someone came back to the Neitherworld. He would remember his life, and his afterlife, but not hell. However, he would be changed.

He’d be considered a demon. A person who went to hell, and came back. Jerry looked back at him. “How would you like to gain yourself a wife, and get the guy back who threw you into hell?”

“I don’t need a wife,” Jeremy said.

“You’ll never go to hell again.”

“I changed my mind, I’ll take a wife,” he said. “I don’t remember it. But? I know.” He looked at his hands. They were trembling. “I just know it’s not something I ever want to do again. I feel so weird.”

“Yes, you have a new level of power,” Luke told him. “You’re a demon.”

“A demon.” He looked toward the assistant that fetched him. He pulled it toward him, and let him fall screaming into the fire below. “Neat. Who am I marrying?”

“Astrid Deetz.”

“Her again?” He seemed confused.

“Yes, but kill her and you head to hell,” Luke told him. “You want her, or you want hell? I’m sure she’s kind of pretty.”

“She was pretty. She knew Dostoevsky. It’s better than others I guess,” he decided. “Now. Who threw me into hell?”

“You'll get to know him soon. First, take these.”

Chapter Text

Key West, Florida

East Martello Museum

“Lydia, will you hold my hand?” Diane asked as they passed another exhibit.

Poor Diane. Although, it was a little funny. She traveled with a busload of dead, and still, fear seemed to work in the same way. “It’s okay.” While on the tour, Lydia began to know several of the ghosts, she connected with Diane  the most.

The ghost that was the most afraid. “I thought I lucked out when I found out the Warren Museum was closed, but I’d rather see Annabelle than this guy. Oh! I’m talking bad about him. I’m sorry, for talking about you!” She yelled. “I hope he heard that.”

Lydia heard Beetlejuice crack up in the background. She turned around and gave him a look. “Everyone has fears.”

“What? I didn’t say anything.” He tried to play it off. Meanwhile, he tapped Diane’s other shoulder and spooked her.

“Beej.”

“Come on, it’s hilarious, I couldn’t help myself.” Beetlejuice gestured around at everything. “People willingly make themselves so scared, that they can scare the already dead. Now that? That’s a feat in itself.”

“At least Diane came in.” Some ghosts had stayed on the bus. She looked around for Astrid. “Where’s our daughter?”

“I don’t know, getting a snack.” He had found one for himself earlier and still had it in the bag of goodies Lydia made for him. “She’s with Wolf, she didn’t go too far.”

Astrid was looking at things in more detail. She had already been there one time with her whole family, so she wanted to spend time looking at other things. She was next to Wolf, so she could spend some time away.

It turned out that the Spooky Tour actually had been the safety they had always needed. Riding on a bus for two months wasn’t a whole ball of laughs, but they were able to live in peace.

At first it was harder to relax, but day by day, things became much easier. Even Deetle decided the tour bus was a good idea. Mom even made a few friends, her best being Diane. There was no one her age on the tour though, and that was disappointing.

They even had confidence enough that she was able to go off by herself sometimes, as long as Officer Wolf came. Deetle wouldn’t let anyone else do it, just Officer Wolf.

“Hello?”

Astrid turned around and saw a person about her age. He had a dog with him.

“Could you help me?” he asked.

“With what, Son?” Wolf said back.

Oh, he was blind. “With what?” Astrid repeated over Wolf.

“Sorry. This is kind of embarrassing.” He took off his sunglasses.

Ooh. Pretty eyes. “Sure, no problem. What do you need help with?”

“I’m not blind, but the world is more fuzzy than not,” he admitted. “Do you want to hang out with me, and maybe read off some exhibits?”

Oh. “That’s not a problem, I think?” She looked toward Wolf.

“Yeah, I guess.” Wolf had to give his permission first. If he sensed anything supernatural about someone, he’d make sure he dealt with them. Any kind of threat. “Empty your pockets. Are you carrying any kind of a weapon? Things can go bad when you least expect it.”

Oh, Wolf. She rolled her eyes in embarrassment as the guy emptied his pockets all out. Wolf checked their waist too for a hidden weapon. “He’s good, Wolf.”

“I guess.” Wolf resigned the search and just smiled like that was no big deal. “I won’t be far, just a simple shout away. You two kids have fun.”

The boy offered his hand. She took it. “Why don’t we start over here? Unless you wanted to go see Robert the Doll?”

“Oh no, I’d rather just stay around here,” he insisted. “I don’t need a gnarly ghost doll getting mad at me. I mean, if it’s real.” He sort of chuckled. “I? I guess I don’t really know what to believe. So many people wrote to him and apologized. A lot of people.”

“Yeah. I don’t know,” she said. “Um? Let’s start over here.”

“Sure. I didn’t catch your name?”

“You can just call me Astrid.” It’d be fine. She could hang out with someone her age for a little while, and Wolf was never far.

Ah, it was refreshing to see the youth find some more youth to hang out with. He didn’t always trust everyone, and most people had a problem with him patting them down. He got a call on his receiver. “Wolf Jackson.”

“Boss, we have a situation.”

Uh oh. They didn’t call him in unless it was super important. He saw Beetlejuice, also watching his daughter. Sounded about right for him. That guy sucked at everything, except watching the Deetzes.

He disappeared and showed up beside him. “I have an emergency. Watch your own family.”

“Never stopped.”

Wolf didn’t doubt that. He disappeared to check things out.

Lydia looked around with Diane and seemed to spot Astrid. Oh, Astrid. She was helping a boy around.

“Aww.” Diane smiled at Lydia. “Look, she’s talking to a boy her age.”

“Yeah.” It was nice to see her comfortable with someone her age. Until he started to talk backwards?

“Ooh, I don’t like that, let’s go.” Diane yanked on her sleeve.

No, there was a reason for that. Lydia glanced toward Beetlejuice, who was never too far. “Why’s he talking like that?”

“Probably possessed. I should probably go pitch him over to hell now.” He ate his snack out of the bag. “What?”

Oh, he was definitely the one doing that. “Quit. Astrid won’t be happy with you for messing with that boy.”

“Well, I pitched one to hell and she didn’t have a problem with that.”

“Jeremy Frazier was dead and tried to swap her soul for his.” She gestured to the boy. “He hasn’t done anything. He looks like he might have some problems, he has a guide dog with him. He seems fine, Wolf probably searched him.”

“So far,” he added. “I don’t know, let’s test him.”

“Beetlejuice.”

Lydia watched Wolf coming over.

“We need to have a word, mano y mano.”

Beetlejuice held up his hands. “I totally swear, any movement by that doll isn’t being done by me.” He pointed to Diane. “It’s probably Diane.”

“Me?” Poor Diane. “I don’t want anything to do with that haunted doll, he’s scary.”

“Not the doll. Come on.”

Beetlejuice followed him away. Slightly. He knew they were getting closer to their two month mark. They had been on the road comfortably with no problems. He ate another bug to steady himself.

“Okay. We have a little problem with Richard,” Wolf admitted. “It seems he escaped.”

Richard? “Little Rich guy?” How’d he escape? “He doesn’t have powers anymore.”

“Right, which is why I’m not happy,” Wolf said to him. “Someone snuck him out.”

Hmm. “What’s-er face isn’t to the waiting room yet, so who busted him out?” He had another snack and noticed Wolf looking at them. “I know they aren’t half as big but there’s something nice about eating the food your wife prepares for you, you know?”

Wolf just shook his head. “He had given power to a Soul Sucker going to hell in five months, so he was not around a good crowd that would help out of the goodness of their hearts.”

“Did he sneak in money?” Beetlejuice asked. “You know, those cavity searches, you guys really need to explore higher up there.”

“No, he didn’t sneak in money, but we did see what he did.” He sighed. “You are not going to like this one, Mister Juice. He talked with someone that you apparently owed money to.”

Ummm?

“A lanky guy?”

Hmm.

“He likes to stretch his neck?”

Hmmm.

Wolf grunted. Well, he couldn’t help it if he needed to borrow money from several different people in his afterlife time.

“Look, we have footage of him sneaking out with the same thing we gave the passengers, and we saw him getting back to your ex,” Wolf told him. “There wasn’t any volume on the video for some reason, maybe they used magic to block sound. Anyhow, he might be working with her now, not just lured into her web like last time.”

Really weird. Richard was technically in an agreement to protect her, so if he knew how to share the powers, he would have had some. He should be too new to know how to share power though. “I guess I better pull it.” A huge switch came down beside him and he turned it on. “Move to high.”

“I think it’ll be okay,” Wolf told him. “You got to know them after the last couple of months. Maybe they won’t think about what others say about you? They know the truth after all. Just try not to get aggressive with others.”

Yeah. Hopefully. They each liked the way he had power though. Everyone did. Neither of them would be impressed when everyone laughed at him.

That’s what everyone would do who met them. The ghost that was supposed to protect them, lost them, and was now guiding them around in the Neitherworld to make up for it. It made him want to shrivel up inside.

Chapter Text

“This exhibit looks neat,” the other teenager said to Astrid. “Could you tell me what the background is?"

“De mundo was the city,” she read for him. “This treasure was considered the vivorum audeo in iterum, a rare gift.” A gift? Odd. She read more about it.

“Interesting. Oh, can you read that one?” He pointed out the next sign.

“Yeah. Ut liber iterum, the darkness of home was it's nickname.”

“What's that at the bottom of it, Astrid?”

“Ambulet alius was considered the mother of it's time.” That didn't even make sense. What strange phrasing.

“You’re right, it does seem weird. Probably trying to get an extra spook out of us.”

“Right,” she agreed. “I should probably go find my folks,” she said. “Sorry.”

“It's fine,” he said. “My name was Jeremy by the way. Thanks for the help.”

Jeremy? Astrid looked toward him. He didn't look like the Jeremy she knew. He was sent to hell, Astrid. Don't freak out.

“Oh. Whoa.” He looked offended. “Sorry if helping me put you out for the day. I’ll go, just don't look that way at me.”

Oh. What was she thinking? “I am sorry. I didn't mean to be rude.” This wasn't that Jeremy, it was just a common name. He was trapped in the afterlife, and even trapped into hell. He couldn’t be here talking about exhibits with her. She shouldn't look like that. “I had no problem helping you. Do you want to keep going?”

“Only if you want to. I can just look at the museum pieces,” he said. He sounded uncertain in his trust in her now.

“No, I can share more.” Astrid insisted as she went around the corner, into a deep green light.

Waiting Room

“So, let’s make this quick.”

Astrid watched as the boy she had been helping, made her worst nightmare come true. “Jeremy.”

Jeremy Frazier was standing right there again. “Give me a second. I’m getting used to these new powers. I used to not be able to do so much. Anyhow, this is the waiting room.”

“Yeah, I know the waiting room.” What did he want? “You can’t have my soul.”

“I could, I did get you to recite that incantation again to get in,” he said to her. “That isn’t what I need though, apparently once you go to hell, everything changes. Like, from middle school to high school. It’s a big transition.”

Astrid looked down, feeling something change on her. Uh? “This is a red wedding dress, like Deetle put my mom in?” She looked back at him. “Are you trying to marry me?” She watched a Reverend grow closer. “I don’t consent to this, and I’m just sixteen. I need parents-”

“You’ve got one, Honey.”

“Dad Richard?” There was no way. Her father was standing right next to Deetle’s Ex-wife.

“It’s okay, it’s a good match,” he insisted. “Go ahead and start, we don't have real long and you'll understand it soon.”

“Dad?” This couldn’t be. It just couldn’t be! She felt herself getting pulled to Jeremy. That can’t be him. “My mom isn’t here, I need both my parents.”

“Not in the Neitherworld, you didn’t even need one,” Jeremy said. “Now just stand there and be good. This won’t take long.”

“I am not- yes I am.” Oh no. He was going to make her say anything he wanted. He had juice, just like Deetle. She couldn’t even move.

Too sweet. Beetlejuice kept his eye on his daughter, just like Lydia was secretly doing in between conversations with Diane. Something just felt funny to him though as she turned the corner. There was a touch of something-

“Beetlejuice, we have a real problem,” Wolf appeared next to him.

“I don’t like the sound of that.” Screw it. He disappeared and went to the other side. “Astrid?” What the hell? He searched for her feeling the psychic connection.

Wolf appeared next to him. “Jeremy Frazier was busted out.”

No! This couldn’t be happening. “Who busts someone out of hell?” That was rare. Humans that went away from the Neitherworld never shared what happened beyond it, but were always severely changed afterward. If Jeremy came back, he’d be a demon. “Delores doesn’t know that. Even I don’t know that one.”

Beetlejuice disappeared to Lydia.

Middle of nowhere road.

Lydia looked around herself. What happened? She watched Beetlejuice show up.

“Jeremy’s marrying Astrid.” He held her shoulder firmly a second, before disappearing.

“Beej,” she whispered. No bus. No passengers. Whisked to the middle of nowhere. She didn’t know what was going on, just the three words he spoke to her. He wasn’t wasting time, he had to go, but he probably knew things were going bad.

He chose the middle of nowhere, with not even a single ghost to bring with her. He was uncertain of everything. It was clear that he had to make a choice at the moment. Lydia would have blamed him for all time if he left their daughter to that.

She’d rather die than lose Astrid. A few minutes, at most. Maybe only a minute. He would work super fast, she knew that. He never kept his eyes off them for long. As she paced, she noticed the dress she was wearing. It was the same dress she always wore in her dreams.

“Found you!”

She heard the shouts of one person, while she saw another drawing their weapon. Even seconds was just too long. I’m sorry, Astrid.

Then, she felt a familiar gnawing on her leg for a second. She remembered something as that same thing moved with ferocity, tearing at the face of the person aiming at her.

///“It’s funny you don’t get that dream yet.”

“That my daughter births the same thing that I did from you?” What was she supposed to get from that?

“Nah. My inner child kills everything around it for a good time, except you two,” he pointed out as the environment became a ball room. “There’s another big hint in it, staring you right in the face.”///

Inner child. It’s a good thing I didn’t get it back then. She would have been too anxious to understand it correctly. The little Betelgeuse baby launched to the other person who had shouted at her, as another person came running toward her.

She ran, but the baby had now been making mincemeat of that one. He just wanted to be a part of the family. It was a lesson that had to be learned, not told.

Beetlejuice couldn’t be there, but a part of him would be. With her standing in her dream clothes he gifted to her too, she was starting to understand what had happened. Like it or not, she was asleep. Whether he put her to sleep, or she had enemies that put her to sleep, she still had protection.

He was still trying.

A Waiting Room Far From Winter River

Easily located, and he knew what he’d find too.

Still, Beetlejuice yanked her away, but noticed her new gear. She had a bright red wedding dress.

The boy lost his disguise and showed up as the little asshole he sent to hell again. He extended his hand. “Hi. I’m Jeremy Frazier. We didn’t properly meet last time. You must be my new Father-In-Law.”

He held tightly to Astrid’s hand. He could feel it trembling. “You don’t have anything to worry about, Astrid.”

“I know this probably annoys you. You annoyed me too, I almost had my life back,” he said to him. “You can’t do anything now though. I can’t go back to hell.” He showed off a little contract. “I married her in this waiting room. You know how time works here compared to the real world. I just needed a few minutes over a few seconds.”

“Deetle?” Astrid asked.

“I can’t get any worse than you,” Jeremy just smiled away at him.

Wolf’s fleet had found the right waiting room, pointing their weapons.

“Legally, no one can do anything,” Jeremy said once again. “She is Astrid Frazier.”

Wait a minute? “Her name is Astrid Frazier?” A light bulb came on over his head. “Fuck, that’s brilliant.” He glanced over toward Wolf. “Calm down, this is a good thing.”

“A good thing? Are you out of your mind?!” Wolf yelled at him.

“Nope.” He grabbed his hand and shook it. “Thanks for the help. You’ve really done me a favor, appreciate it. Go with Wolf, he’ll get you two set up.”

“Set up?” Wolf didn’t get it yet, but he would in a bit.

He looked toward Astrid. “I have to go get your mom. I’ll be back.”

“But-!”

Lydia held the baby. She was becoming much more surrounded. The baby was practically eating the bullets that tried to fire at her, but she was running out of time.

Then just like that, most of them started to riddle each other with bullets.

“So I found her, but-”

“Beetlejuice!” Lydia grabbed him, gave him a kiss on the cheek and held onto him. “I’m trapped in a dream.”

He hugged her back. “No, I did that. I stuck you in a church. Less chance of demons at least reaching you. So? Jeremy Frazier married Astrid. You’ve got permission to come see her for a little while. We don’t want to stick around for too long. Wolf will get out the word.”

What? “The boy that tried to swap souls with her, married her?” What?! “W-what’d we do now?”

“Just follow my lead.”

I don’t believe this. I really can’t believe this. Astrid’s eyes were so wide as Wolf was giving Jeremy property to stay in the Neitherworld.

She saw her mom appear. “Mom!” She went and hugged her right away.

“Did you get the word out?” Beetlejuice asked Wolf.

“Yep.” Even Wolf was smiling. “We got ourselves a deal. The whole Neitherworld is gonna know soon by the news.”

“What deal, what’s happening?” her mom demanded.

“He married me, and everyone’s happy about it?” Astrid didn’t get it. “Dad Richard was here for a little while, with Deetle’s ex. Then they left. Then Deetle came. Then he left?”

Jeremy still looked pleased. “This is really hard to get.”

“It is, it is. It’s great property given to you by Wolf, located right in the Neitherworld.” Beetlejuice latched his arm around Jeremy. “Astrid is a great daughter, you know? You picked a great person to become your wife. As an added bonus, you get me as a boneified Father-In-Law, and there’s nothing better than that.”

Astrid watched Beetlejuice get chatty with Jeremy. Why? What was going on?

“I guess I can say sorry to sending you to hell a tidbit early,” Beetlejuice said to Jeremy. “And you can say what?”

“Um?” So confused. “Sorry for . . . trying to swap souls with your daughter?”

“Yeah, I get the allure though.” He grabbed him from the other side, now in a scout uniform. “I’ve never been much of a boy scout. It makes sense my daughter would end up with someone only slightly better than me.”

“Slightly better? I only killed two people, not thousands for my job,” Jeremy pointed out. “They deserved it too.”

“Yeah, no one ever asks why, just who,” Beetlejuice agreed. “Good talk, good talk. Wolf?” He took the contract Jeremy had signed for the housing. “Great job. This last part is going to make me sick. I can only be nice for so long, but you know? It is family. I should be nice for family.”

Then they disappeared.

Over the trapdoor to hell now opened . . .

“I can’t go back, I can’t go back!” Jeremy yelled at him as he found himself on the trapdoor to hell again. “Why can’t I move?!”

Because. That schmuck was too scared to use his juice.

“I thought we were all good?!” he yelled.

“We are, you really did help me out,” Beetlejuice agreed. “You can stay my Son-In-Law, and you know, her husband for now. But? Eternity Marriage cannot be shammed, it’s more than just a slogan, so that was just a marriage. That means you and your wife can have different destinations.”

“No! No, this wasn’t fair, I was promised a place in the Neitherworld!” He yelled. “I signed contracts for it!”

“No, you just got property, with Astrid Frazier. It’s okay, I get it,” he said. “Maybe in 30 years you two will have a chance? Depends on why you murdered your parents probably. Maybe she’ll get the desperation of isolation making you do crazy things. I know the feeling. Plus, long distance relationships can be hard, but what can you do?”

“But you said you needed to be nice for family!” He was still freaking out. He had no chance of using his juice to escape.

“Yeah. Well, I’m not gonna leave Astrid by herself, it’s primo property, and I think Delia and Chuck would prefer it.” He held the switch. “Nice of you to drop in, but it’s time for you to leave now.”

“But I can’t go early, I can’t go early!” Jeremy screamed. “It’s why I was taken back out!”

Beetlejuice shrugged. “Nothing a few forms can’t fix.” He pulled the switch and watched his new Son-In-Law head to hell.

Again.

Chapter Text

Astrid watched Deetle come back, without Jeremy. “Where’d he go?”

“Oh. To hell,” he said. “Alright, Astrid.” He held his arms out toward her. “Can I have a hug?”

A hug? “Am I staying married to him?”

“For now,” Deetle answered. “You’re safe that way, Astrid.”

Safe?

“That contract that was out on you and your mom,” Wolf pointed out to her. “It’s for Lydia Deetz and Astrid Deetz. You just got married, your name is officially Astrid Frazier.” He handed her the contract for the housing. “You even got property with that name.”

“Demons don’t come out very often, he’ll make the news, along with the fact he married you,” Beetlejuice told her. “No one’s gonna get money for killing you anymore, and they won’t be messing with a demon’s family without money.” He gestured to the property Wolf held. “You and your grandparents can stay there. I’ll watch over your mom until the last contract is done.”

Safe. By changing her last name, she’d been safe. “Grandma Delia.” She remembered her. Was she around there too?

“Property in the Neitherworld!” Yep, she spotted her. She was very excited.

“Just to be extra sure though, Wolf’s gonna put you in high protection anyhow. Okay?”

Astrid nodded.

“So the less you see of us, the safer you are,” he finished. “If you feel any threat, always yell out your husband will kill everyone once he comes back from hell. Like? Thirty years isn’t nothing down here. And, I don’t know, he might.”

She rushed over and hugged him. That explained his actions. It was just like him, turning garbage into something useful he could use. That didn’t explain her other father though. “Dad Richard was here with your ex during the ceremony,” Astrid said to him. “He wanted me to get married. Did he see the same thing?”

“Good question.” Beetlejuice didn’t seem to know. “If he’d seen the contracts, he might have figured it out. Oh yeah, that’s right. He escaped punishment, so it’s going to be even longer before you see him. Again.”

“He left custody, when we get back to him, he’s going into a harder prison area,” Wolf insisted to Astrid. “Sorry, but that’s the way this crazy world has to work. Not everyone gets a happy ever after.”

Yeah. “Do you think he did it, to make a deal for mom’s life or something?” Astrid asked.

“I don’t know,” Deetle answered her, “but I don’t have the luxury of a guess, just Guess." He changed his outfit from a scout to clothes, shoes, and a purse with the Guess logo on them. "Go ahead and hug your mom too.”

“Astrid!”

Her mom hugged much harder. “I’ll be okay, Mom. I’ll be with Grandma Delia and Grandpa Charles,” she assured her. “I’ll see you in a few months. Just be careful.”

“I know.” Her mom sounded so miserable. “I’m going to miss you, Astrid. I’m sorry you got married.”

“It’s okay.” Astrid let go. “Just pretend I’m at boarding school. Just four months or so. Maybe less.” Probably more. “We’ll see each other when it’s all better.”

“Yeah. Speaking of which?” Wolf went over by her. “Let’s get you out of those wedding clothes, and into something a little different.” He took her hand. “Come on.”

Astrid looked back one more time at them. It was good, knowing she was safer now. But her mom? “Watch over her, Bad Deetlejuice.”

“You know I will.” He gave one more wave goodbye along with her mom.

Astrid. “She’s married, but safe.”

“Yeah,” Beetlejuice agreed. “You’ll go to high protection too one day. If we do it back to back suddenly, it’s going to look sketchy. It was supposed to be set up where you died at the same time. This won’t work.”

“Jeremy went after her for marriage, to stay out of hell.” She understood it. “Can we get him divided from her for good later? She doesn’t have to stay married, does she?”

“We might.”

Might? Lydia just gazed at him. “Is it that hard?”

“No, but I don’t know every detail about the kid. I knew what you and Astrid knew in your highest highs and lowest lows,” Beetlejuice answered her. “Maybe there was a good reason he murdered his parents. Maybe there wasn’t.”

“He tried to swap souls with her,” she pointed out.

“Yeah, I would do that to anyone else in a heartbeat if I wanted to live again, except for you two,” he pointed out. “I wanted out on the other side, not to give up my juice. Big difference. Give them, I don’t know. Ninety years? I’ll get set up for 30 year check-ins since he did marry in the Neitherworld.”

“Why?” she asked incredulously.

“Because even an absolute ass can have second thoughts about things when he’s haunted by the living. Not saying he will be haunted like I was before, I don’t know how hell works. I don’t want to know how hell works, thanks very much.”

Well? Ugh. It’s not like I can say that’s wrong. That’s basically what he did.

“Plus he only killed like two. I killed like thousands by now. He’s probably got a better chance with Astrid than I do you.” His expression lingered on her. Pitifully. Like he wanted a kiss or something. She watched him drink a bottle of mouthwash. “That’s disgusting.” He tossed the bottle. “Well, who has better chances?”

Lydia scratched her head. “We should probably head home.” Oh yeah. “Astrid might still want other people. She’s young. She might want to get married to someone living and have kids.”

“Yeah. That’s the thing about undead marrriage. It doesn’t count in the living world. Doesn’t count for shit,” he said harshly. “She’ll probably go on with her life. Have kids if she wants. Then when she dies, they’ll just see what happens. Might pick another one of her living husbands. Maybe an ex husband. Maybe no husband at all.”

Oh boy. She could tell he was really trying to get sympathy points. “The difference is she knows.”

“Really, is that the difference?” he asked. “If you knew you were half married to me, would you have called me back?”

“No,” she answered truthfully. “You scared me. You almost killed my dad.”

“Hmmm.” He crossed his arms like he was thinking. “I vaguely remember this.” He sounded just like her. “You were the snake, weren’t you? No, I want to talk to Barbara.” His voice went back to normal. “That was the sound of someone thinking I tried to murder their dad?”

Something fell between them. Ew. She stepped back.

“That is a really big pile of bullshit right there,” Beetlejuice pointed out. “Don’t you think so?”

“You were trying to marry me at 16. The same thing that Jeremy guy just did to our daughter,” she pointed out.

“Yeah, but you knew why.”

“Not completely. Even the second time, it was ‘quid pro quo’,” she said, trying to mock his voice. “Nowhere in there did you say, ‘My ex wife can exorcise ghosts with her breath.’.” She stopped mocking his voice. “Instead you just said you had an ex wife that you really needed to get away from. Biiig difference.”

“Oh yeah?” He neared her closer. “And if I did tell you that, would you have forgot about the contract and straight up married me?”

Oh. “I don’t know. It would have been decided in the moment.” Maybe she would have, maybe she wouldn’t have. But. “You gave me so many nightmares. I always imagined that one day you’d come out of the dark like the boogeyman and drag me away again.” It was cruel to say, but it was the truth.

“I was never trying to drag you away. I just needed to marry a live person. Pretty sure I said that.” The sound was a bit rough.

“I knew you five minutes before I needed to make a deal with you, to save people I really cared about. You trapped me in that way.”

“Okay. Okay.” He held his hands out toward her. “I get it, relax. Big old bad demon you didn’t know came out to play, and you didn’t exactly have the best trust in him yet. Okay.” He pointed at her. “We can’t go around like this again. It never leads us anywhere. It’s just a huge circular argument.”

Lydia watched a huge hoop appear around them, and it started to shrink until it brought them together.

“Probably doesn’t help.” Practically nose to nose. “This circular argument gets smaller in it’s weight over time, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah,” she admitted.

“Is it really still a thing even?”

Maybe not. She knew how she felt and why. She knew how he felt and why. “No.” The tightened hoop disappeared. She closed her eyes. “I have to leave Astrid in a whole other world from mine. I’m a trainwreck right now.”

“Oh, you’ll probably need some signs then.”

A caution sign popped up beside her. Flashing lights popped up around her with the word kiss in blinking lights. Red and green lights for oncoming train posts fell beside them. It’s one small thing. I shouldn’t though. I know him, he’ll want more. I’m not ready for more.

She shook her head and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

He still seemed happy about that, and spun her around in a circle before bringing her back. “So? You know why I didn’t bring the bus with you, right?”

Yeah. “Someone found us. There was probably a mole on the bus.” Damn. She really liked that bus. For two months, it protected them all.

“I can do this,” he promised her. “A few days for a new bus maybe. Tighter than tight, I’m sure Wolf is like putting his actual men on this one.”

Right. She just sighed and sunk in his arms. Astrid’s safe. I’m happy about that, but it’s still hard. Beetlejuice wouldn’t be watching over her. That didn’t feel right. Even trusting another bus? She doubted she would feel the level of trust she had with those passengers.

At least she had something she could trust. Beetlejuice.

Damn I am doing good! She was absolutely putty right now, in the right way. He thought he might, one day, get a pity kiss. Hell, he even offered her 62k for it one time, and nothing!

It sucked at first, until he realized something. She could easily do it. She probably didn’t even have a problem with him being a dead guy anymore. She just didn’t want to give a pity kiss.

She gave pity kisses to Rory. She barely talked above a whisper to that guy. Anyone watching wouldn’t even think they were in a relationship. So?

She was tired of being that weak and vulnerable woman she had been with him, and didn’t want to start anything out of pity again. Even referencing herself as a trainwreck, she didn’t bend.

He was proud of that! That was the Lydia he once knew shining through. He’d bypass the pity kisses. He didn’t really need them. He was waiting for the real ones.

He waited this long already for a real kiss. Might as well wait longer because when the real thing came? Then the rest would fall like dirt over a casket, complete with moaning and groaning nightly sessions in his grave. Probably morning sessions. Maybe nooners?

Oh wait. Shit!

Where the fuck was his grave?!

Author's Journal: I am so glad I get to share all these chapters with you now. My health news was better than I expected. I am not out of the woods, but I am out of the dangerous parts of that forest. With that relief I was finally able to share this with you all. I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks too to everyone who was concerned about me. I appreciated it.:)

Chapter Text

That. Lying. No good criminal! He really gave out some good chances to save the fleshbacks. He really did.

“Sir, Leo the Longneck-”

“I don’t care!” Everyone got bamboozled by Beetlejuice all the time, but Wolf really thought that he’d really come through for him. Thought he was being honest. After all, if he had married Lydia Deetz, there’s no way he would have just stuck around. He would have left and never been heard from again.

Instead, he could see it. Right on the profile. Fully married. He had been so engrossed on making sure the Deetz’ made it through, the smallest thing had escaped his mind. "I forgot to keep it real."

“Sir? Leo the Longneck has been having a tantrum. He claims he’s no longer Jerry the Jaywalker, but someone else.”

Oh, whatever! He’d always be stuck there. He’d never be an actor. There was a reason no one ever came for it. That model of Beetlejuice’s holding his grave wasn’t very far. Complete with his little flashing sign, just turned off. He left his own grave behind.

Well, that’s when he got curious and checked the profile. Yeah, he didn’t need it anymore. Beetlejuice was freed! He’d been freed.

“Sir, Delores has been spotted. She seemed to be headed toward the Deetz’ territory.”

“Should I even bother?” Beetlejuice probably had it handled. He had everything handled. Preying on his feelings to be an actor. No, no. It’s not their fault, just his. I can’t blame them for his mischief. He called their number fully expecting to hear Delia or Astrid’s voice. Maybe Charles, but he might not have been in the Neitherworld long enough in his current form to know how to pick up a phone. He might have.

“Hello?”

It sounded like a male voice though. “Hello, Mister Deetz?”

“Actually, it’s Jeremy Frazier.”

What?! “Aren’t you supposed to be in hell? What are you doing at that residence? Beetlejuice put you down! Twice!”

“Who is this?”

“The Chief of Police!” Wolf shouted. “Who let you out?!” Oh, that name. “Beetlejuice.” But, why? Why would he bother doing that? “He let you back out because why?”

“Well? I don’t want to go back to hell, but apparently something is after Astrid too, and ‘a demon husband is useless staying in hell’ was his words,” he answered. “He set something else with me that’s left me in a weird position. But, I’m not in hell, and I can’t be sent back.”

“Weird position? What do you mean?”

“I have the word Luggage across my forehead for one,” he said.

Ugh! “Luggage.” He made Jeremy into luggage. “Get me Astrid, now, or I’m coming over.” It took a couple of minutes, but her familiar voice came over the line.

“Hello?”

“Are you safe?” Wolf asked her right away.

“Relatively. Why?”

“Good because I’m coming over right now.”

He went to see Astrid first. “Where is he?! Do you know where he is?”

“Where is who?” Astrid asked.

“Excuse me! Ex-cuse me!” Delia Deetz interrupted. “Don't just appear in my house and just start yelling at my young granddaughter! Aren't you ashamed of yourself?”

Okay. He had to calm his anger down. “When Beetlejuice never picked up his grave, I went back to step one. Checking profiles. Lydia Deetz is married, fully married, to Betelgeuse already!” He lied.

“He loves her. It should not matter,” Delia answered back.

“She is married. Her name has been just as safe as Astrid’s this whole time!”

“No, it isn't. Betelgeuse is just a first name. He has no last name to pass on,” Astrid corrected him. “The eternity marriage will be coming soon anyway. They actually like each other.”

“It was illegally done!”

“It is, as in the present,” Astrid agreed. “Not in the past tense.” Ooh, that face. “We needed help. I did it back then for mom, and he never went wild with it for a reason.”

“It better be a really damn good reason,” Wolf uttered.

“He didn’t want mom to be scared of him. He wanted her to warm up to the idea, so she thought he was still trapped,” Astrid answered honestly. “It wasn’t to be mean or tricky. Completely.”

“He loves Lydia,” Delia told him. “There’s so much love, everyone can feel it between them. Well everyone dead anyhow. The point is, they are already going into an eternity marriage.”

“And that guy?” Wolf pointed to Jeremy, not more than 15 feet from Astrid.

“I don’t know,” Astrid muttered. “He showed up at the door with a big bow on him, locked up on a dolly, holding a book titled ‘So You Think You’re a Demon’ and a paper saying he was my luggage.”

Beetlejuice.

“I’ve seen his ex,” Astrid told him. “She came near me, but after seeing him, she just shuffled away.”

Yes, demons had a lot more power than a ghost. Beetlejuice barely registered in their power level. A powerful, powerful ghost, but a real low class when it came to demon.

Delores would take him on if left with no choice. She probably knew where Astrid lived, it wouldn’t be a big deal to find her again. What was she biding her time for though? What was her plan? “I’m going to put some minor security on you,” he assured her. “Delores is a danger to everyone, dead or alive.”

“She uses ancient soul sucking magic. I’ve been trying to read and learn about it, to learn it’s flaws,” Astrid told him. “So far, it’s not very flawed, but it does have a big one I found.”

Wolf watched her hand him a book. Well, well, well. “That explained the luggage.”

“Yeah. Deetle probably knew I’d figure it out,” Astrid said. “New demons are impervious to soul sucking.”

“If she draws breath, I can just kill her,” Jeremy said casually. “In exchange, he said I could stay out of hell and live here for 100 years.” He smiled. “It’s a pretty nice setup. If I actually don't kill her, but I just hold her hostage until time is up and she has to go to hell, he’ll free me from hell permanently.” He held up his book ‘So You Think You Are A Demon’ proudly. “I am studying hard so I can hold her hostage and never have to go back.”

“Uh huh.” Beetlejuice making dangerous deals, what else was new? “How do you feel about that, Little Lady?”

Astrid shrugged. “He doesn’t want to go to hell. I understand why he’s here. That’s all I can really say.”

It wasn’t comfortable for her, but it was saving her. “You better keep your mouth shut about Astrid,” he warned him. “You don’t want to mess with me, Buddy, I am the Chief of Police.”

“I’m not in hell,” Jeremy simply said. “There’s nothing you can threaten me with more than hell. I don’t care about anything or anyone else. I am going to stay closer than fifteen feet to Astrid, and I’m going to take that woman hostage, so I stay out of hell.”

Okay. Good. He seemed to get the deal. It looked like he might not be as familiar with Beetlejuice’s lies with his deals. There was always some kind of loophole. He’d get him to do his dirty work of getting rid of Delores, and then eventually get rid of him.

In the meantime? He would eventually catch Beetlejuice and make him answer for the lies about the marriage! He would find a way to reach him again. He would.

It was just a matter of time. His phone rang again. “What is it?”

“Sir? Leo the Longneck, we’ve just processed through an interrogation with him. We think considering current events, he might be Lydia Deetz’ husband.”

. . . what?

—-

Wolf listened to Leo the Longneck. For the longest time, he claimed he was Jerry the Jaywalker and just switched suits. This one? He didn’t act like him at all. He didn’t like using his neck obtrusively. The structure was much more polite, and? He had one hell of a story. “So you really read off some ancient language you didn’t know, and let him steal your body?”

“I was already dead,” ‘Richard’ answered. “I thought I had nothing to lose. I didn’t want my family to have demons messing with them.”

Ugh. “Beetlejuice isn’t really a demon, it’s mainly because of a paper mishap,” he revealed to him.

“What?” Richard looked stunned. “What do you mean paperwork?”

“Well the crap started with the spelling of his name, he got an intern that saw his power level, switched it to demon, and that was that,” Wolf told him. “He’s an asshole, but he’s never been to hell. He just has a high power level, which he’d been using to protect them.”

“Why didn’t anyone tell me that?!”

“He wouldn’t want you to know he wasn’t a big, bad, demon.”

“Then why are you telling me?”

“Because he’s been an asshole to me,” he admitted. “I don’t care about his reputation. I don’t know everything he is planning. He won’t reach back out to me. He won’t pick up his grave. He’s just leaving me in the dust.” Without reaching out to him. Without making contact, they wouldn’t be able to help Lydia Deetz in any real way.

He better have the whole situation under control. If Beetlejuice lost that poor woman’s life, he wouldn’t rest until Beetlejuice was pleading over the door to hell himself!

Chapter Text

“Yep, yep. I guarantee, this wall right here.” Beetlejuice pointed to the wall as he continued to work on papers. “Posting some blood straight on it will be really helpful. Doesn’t have to be human, it could be squirrel or whatever too.” He looked toward his client.

A single woman who really needed to scare the crap out of some human’s who were moving into her house. It was a similar story to a lot of other people, except she wanted to be more moral about it. These kind of ghosts were often the most annoying. Telling him not to kill and scare was one thing, but morality?

That was in short supply. He was doing his best though, by giving the humans a chance to just be spooked by blood on the walls. Most likely, it wouldn’t work, but he was getting paid either way. Plus, once it didn’t, he could do something that would actually work.

“Yes, but, how would I get that kind of blood?” she asked.

He gestured out the window. “You’ve got squirrels out there right now. You’re a ghost. Put it together.”

“But I’d have to kill them.”

Fuck. “Yeah. Yeah, you would. I mean, I could kill them for you?”

“No. I don’t want anyone to get hurt,” she declared. “That includes the wildlife.”

“Fuck woman, someone’s gonna get hurt to get them to stay the fuck out!” She was starting to drive him crazy. “Why don’t you go break into a blood bank?”

“But that’s stealing.”

Okay. Calm down. Trying. He tried not to grit his teeth. “Something’s gotta give.”

“Can I use red paint?” she asked.

“You know what? You do you.” He held his hands up, he was done. He had other people he could see about things. As he started to leave, he saw another Bioexorcist. “Good luck.”

“I thought you had a wife?” they asked him. “A daughter too. Didn’t you have those?”

“Daughter is fine.”

“She married someone in hell, right? She’s Astrid Frazier.”

“Like I said, she’s currently fine.” They didn’t come for the house, they came to talk to him. “What do you want?”

“I saw him. Nice house he got right in the Neitherworld. With his wife.”

“Uh huh. Point?”

“Where’s the mom?”

“What, you want the big old reward too? Fat chance,” he uttered. “She didn’t want me involved anymore, after stuff happened.”

“Yeah, losing her daughter to a hell demon might make her rethink her options.” They laughed. “That’s why you're taking these nosebleed little cases, huh?”

“What does it matter to you!?” He went off on him. “Death goes on. Leave me alone.” He walked away from the house, but noticed he was still being followed. “What? You’re going to follow me all fucking day and night? Think I’ll lead you to her? She stopped paying, so why would I bother?” He shrugged. “But fine, I don’t care. Don’t try and take my leads.” He pushed his finger into his field of view. “The houses I visit are mine.”

“I could do better than the houses still accepting your help. I won’t be messing around with them. Why are you dressed like that?”

Beetlejuice looked at his sort of taxi hat and trenchcoat. “Second job.” He definitely heard a laugh. “Fuck off.”

“You lost your own family’s safety, nobody worth any money trusts you. You can’t even make it as a bioexorcist!”

Yeah. Hilarious. Whatever.

Beetlejuice left to his next house. Once again, modern ghosts with that moral lining again. As they talked, the other bioexorcist was still tagging him.

“So, can you?” The house owner asked him. “I think it would be helpful.”

“Uh huh. Yeah, helpful.” He juiced her up a huge dog. “That’ll be 500.”

“Oh? Oh, I don’t have that kind of money right now. Can I give you payments of 20?”

He threw his hands up in the air and squeezed his nose tight. “Fine.” He took the 20 and moved to the next house.

“Did you just juice up a dog?” That same annoying bioexorcist asked as they kept playing tag with him. “Doesn’t that disappear when you leave the area?”

“Yeah, and I just got a twenty.” He showed off the ridiculous living world bill she gave him. “She can take it as a learning lesson.”

He went to another dozen houses until the guy finally got the hint. He wasn’t going to be going toward Lydia.

Beetlejuice headed out with a juiced taxi car. He got about two passengers before the bioexorcist who bugged him before, once again bugged him in his back seat. “You’re lucky you are already dead.”

“I really still had to know. You kill people . . . and you chauffeur them?”

“It’s what a taxi does, as long as I’m making money on this side, that’s all that matters.” Idiot. “I am charging you for the ride, where do you want dropped off?”

“Oh, here.” He gave him some money. “It’s charity to keep you going I guess.”

Beetlejuice snatched the money. “I don’t have change. Fuck off now.” They left again.

He took on a few more passengers. A couple didn’t say anything to him, just gave directions and straight up paid him. His favorite kind. One got in and was a real bitch at the pricing. He juiced them to a random back alley of Brooklyn and left them there. If they made it out, maybe it’d teach them a lesson not to fuck with a cab driver. They’d be psychologically scarred.

No money for it, but it did keep the job exciting too. It wasn’t the first time he moonlighted as a taxi driver when he was still freed. Clients got the ‘say the name three times’ part right, but most didn’t get the opposite at first, that they needed to seal him off again. He’d learned to bug off quickly after getting paid.

Out of sight, out of mind, and a chance to make some money.

The only ones who knew to say his name now were the enemies lurking around, but without finding Lydia, they didn’t want to do that. She had to be in the living world somewhere.

He took some of the money he got and went to a hotel.

“Why bother?”

Yeah, yeah. Like he’d expect anything different? A different bioexorcist came by to check him out, while the other one from before, was trying to hide in a corner. “What’s it to you?”

“Why aren’t you sleeping in your grave?” they asked.

“None of your business.”

“Did you lose it?”

“Fuck off already!” People. He took the card and went to his room. He glared back at them. “Aren’t you gonna watch me all night, see if I secretly meet up with her or something?” They didn’t answer and he just went into his room.

Still, he knew the first bioexorcist, and he knew just what to play to piss him off. Watching from the shadows?

Let’s see how long it took for him to figure this out. Yeah, not even two intense groans later.

“Beetlejuice!”

“Your granddaughter’s pretty flexible,” Beetlejuice said to him. “If I had her body, it’d be a great way to make money. You should be proud. I hear her movie Backdoor Sluts 69 became a classic.”

“Give me that!”

“Nuh uh, go buy your own copy.”

“You're disgusting.”

“Hey, you are the one invading my personal space,” Beetlejuice called him out. “Plus, Tim back there is really enjoying it.” Yeah, he could hear both bioexorcists bickering. “I want 500 to stop playing it.”

“Give it to me.”

“For 5,000. I had to go to some real seedy spot to get this.”

“Fuck you, you just juiced it in from somewhere.”

“Well, think of it as a service fee.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know, the fuck do service fees mean but extra money?” His granddaughter made another loud scream. “Hey Tim, you want it? It could be great blackmail for later. 5,000.”

“Here.” The idiot paid him for it. “I don’t believe I wasted my whole night on you. I got nothing out of it.”

“Got to see your sweet granddaughter in some interesting positions.”

“Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse!”

Beetlejuice disappeared.

“Idiot,” Tim called him out. “Lydia Deetz is not gonna be on that side. Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.”

He came back again but didn’t bother saying anything, just turned on some TV. They each hung out in the corner as he mindlessly watched TV.

Eventually he fell asleep watching TV.

“She really did leave his protection,” one of them said to the other. “I don’t believe this, but he hasn’t been with her all day. He’s even sleeping. I’ve got real work to do, I’m out of here.”

The other one still stuck around for another fifteen minutes before leaving too.

He woke up to use the bathroom. He yawned and watched another bioexorcist come near him. He got a certain feeling from this one and stroked the brim of his taxi hat. “Just let a guy piss.” He just stared at him. “Oh, psychic fucker. Study me all you like.” They were the best ones. They realized the truth faster without hanging around him all day.

“You don’t know where Lydia Deetz went to? She is close, you know that much, but you don’t know . . . where?” 

Pretty good psychic. “It’s less close, more of-”

“A connection. You have a connection to her, that feels close. You’re angry too, you can’t believe she really left you,” they muttered. “Damn. No close to getting her. Even if I bribed you, you’d just lie and keep the money.” They disappeared.

Yay for psychics. He used the bathroom and got ready for bed. He juiced all his clothes away and just had pj’s.

Except his taxi hat, it had remained on his head as a nightcap. He didn’t juice a nightcap. “What the fuck?” He picked it up and looked at it.

Then remembered everything. Again. 

To everyone, it seemed that Lydia Deetz lost faith in him since her daughter was taken and married a demon. He even made sure it worked on him, so psychic ghosts and demons couldn’t get the answer too.

Yeah.

He hid her away, even from himself. He’d only remember, when he saw the inside of his hat. Tiny and alone, his grave was attached to the inside. No other model piece, not even his gravestone. Just his coffin.

He had left the entire model with Wolf, including the headstone. Someone would have to dig, to figure out the coffin had disappeared.

As for his hat? He made sure he couldn’t even juice it away, it would just transform into something else.

If he currently remembered and could tell a psychic was coming, he could easily rub against the brim of his taxi hat, to make himself forget that detail all over again. He’d feel miserable for a few hours.

Ultimately though, it was his connection to Lydia that kept him in touch with her. Even though he was freed, he always felt the yank when she called his name.

Chapter Text

Lydia watched another strange Neitherworld commercial when Beetlejuice came over to see her. He couldn’t always be there, and he used a lot of juice to do the trick he used. But? He wanted to protect her and see her. She was usually the one that had to call him for something, but he tended to always come when his memory caught up to him. Usually at night.

She couldn’t imagine the horror of continually forgetting details on purpose, over and over. He put himself through it, to keep her even safer. He left himself believing she could be anywhere and that she had left him.

“I’ve got two bioexorcists that have been bugging me all day,” he complained as he juiced up some popcorn. “I think they both left but I don’t really know.”

“Sleeping?” she asked.

“Yeah, it’s late. Before that I was dozing off watching boring porn,” he said as he popped some popcorn in his mouth.

“That’d explain those sounds.”

“Don’t be jealous, she’s got nothing on you, Babe.”

Uh huh. “I’m not jealous of anyone.” Seriously. She didn’t care. “You should get a crib for your inner child, he needs a place to stay.” That baby was supposed to be a last chance thing, just in case someone did figure it out, and somehow broke into his afterlife itself before she could call to him.

They were both technically on his own head. When he visited he would basically be zoning out. The visits were longer at night, but he even had some zoning out he could get away with during the day.

It apparently wasn’t dangerous, all he had to do was hear an important sound like a customer, and he’d snap out of it. It wasn’t something a lot of ghosts would or could do though. It really did zap his juice.

His movements were more sluggish. Everyone thought he became that way since ‘the love of his death’ left him. At least, that is what she thought. She couldn’t see outside the coffin, but she could hear. “Do we have time for me to take a shower?”

“You know I’d love you even if you smelled like the dump,” he said. “I might even love you more.”

Sweet talking with him was always different than anyone else. “Shower?”

He whipped up a shower for her. “A few minutes only. I’ve got some real clingers tonight, and if I get disturbed and move outward, you lose your bathroom.”

Yeah. It had happened once. At a drop of a hat, the entire bathroom had disappeared. She always had a towel ready, and only ever had a few minutes. She got undressed in the shower and enjoyed the few minutes of sensation. Afterwards, she used the bathroom. She never missed the opportunity. He visited at least once for a few minutes every four to five hours. Yeah, that's how often he had to go through thinking she up and left, and then felt relief she had never left after all.

He continued to make small talk with her, since he’d have to leave soon. It was never safe to stay for long. There was too much risk now.

Even when the contracts were up, his ex-wife Delores was now on her tail too.

For now, staying deep undercover and letting Beetlejuice take the bad rep was for the best. She really tried to see if they could hurry the eternity marriage along, or if their current marriage could change her name?

Unfortunately, Beetlejuice wouldn’t reveal the truth they were actually married, not just half married anymore. It kept him on Wolf’s good side, and that wasn’t a safe place to stray from right now.

Also, since he never had a last name, it was technically Mrs plus first name. Probably not strong enough.

The eternity marriage was what they needed, but what Wolf said was true. It couldn’t be shammed, and it couldn’t be hurried. Every detail had to be processed, and it was hard to tell whether it would come first or second to when she was freed. Eventually, they would get the same kind of safety that Astrid now had, but for now?

She had been in that location for two months. No sun, no rain, just whatever was in the grave. She could watch movies, cook dinner, or do whatever projects she wanted to. Beej made sure she had plenty to do.

In the end though, everything left. Cooking ended up being the most appealing since the food eventually disappeared into the belly. Juice only lasted for so long for everything else. Simple projects just to keep her entertained lasted a few days. TV was off limits during the day until he got to a hotel and somehow stole it’s energy, or unless he was there to make it work.

So working plumbing for water? Not going to happen, he had to be right there to give her water.

She tried to be less demanding of things in the beginning, more grateful that he was taking the blame and doing so much for her. But he wasn’t exactly a fan of water, and if she didn’t beg for it, she’d just get it in bottled water.

Unless she specified shower or bath, he would give her bottled water. Whether he was trying to be an ass, or really didn’t understand wasn’t . . . perfectly clear at first. After she had like ten bottles of undrank water though, and he was still giving her that, it became pretty clear.

He got off on being a jerk still, so she had to demand things. Whatever he provided usually wasn’t the best because of said reason. Again.

He liked to be a jerk. When she wasn’t bold enough to demand specifics, she regretted it.

If she said she didn’t know what she wanted to do for the day, he’d leave her with twenty books on macramé to read. Once she said she would like to try and exercise, but gave no specifics on how to.

He left her with 10,000 jump ropes.

He wanted her requests clear, or he’d misbehave on purpose. He might think he loved her, but it never stopped his personality from being, well, him.

She shouldn’t expect anything else. When someone liked the other, they usually compromised on something with them. Men often paid for dinner. Sometimes they were more polite around the women they’d like.

Beej’s compromise seemed to be the showering. Even the first time he made the bathroom. He gave her a mirror, a toilet, an endtable, and a nice place to fill with trinkets. She had to ask for the shower to be included.

The bathroom too. She always tried her best to use the bathroom when she could easily use it.

However, the human body sometimes needed more than a few minutes. He obliged after he had a good laugh, knowing what needing extra time meant for her.

One time, she had been sick. She had been throwing up in the garbage can until he spared a chance to see her. It didn’t take long, a few minutes at best, before he’d been there. He gave her the bathroom right away.

When she came out of it, she walked into a place that was pristine with no dirt, except on Beetlejuice. It would fade away eventually though by the end of the day.

It was the magic of his gravesite. It would be forever dirty too. It might be another reason he was more lenient with the showers. Ever since then, after she used the bathroom in some capacity, she did get a bonus. The place would be wonderfully clean afterward.

He never explained about why he made it clean when it would only revert by the end of the day to a grimy infested area, but she appreciated it.

After using the bathroom, washing her hair and getting changed for the night. She left the bathroom and he juiced it away. As always, the place actually looked nice. “I needed that.”

“Love you with or without it,” he just said casually.

Uh huh. “Obsessed with me enough you’d probably hop in if I . . .” Wait. What was she going to say? “Nevermind.”

“Oh no, no! Please, continue.” He appeared at her back. “I really wanted to hear that. Was it a question? A statement? A favor?”

“Nothing, it’s not important. Do you have an extra few minutes?”

“I’ll clear out all night for you,” he assured her, his hands dancing around all over the place with her words.

“I don’t need all night.” She went over to the table she had that morning. “I made something. It’s new.” She gestured to the cake. “I wanted to share it with someone, and I don’t have Astrid anymore. So?”

Chapter Text

“Oh. Well, I’m not picky.” He wasn’t exactly impressed, he definitely expected something else as he came over toward it.

She looked at the odd design she put on it. A very uneven doorway like the Neitherworld. “The left half is mine.” She carved down the side of one Neither world door. Pristine and beautiful as expected. She cut that piece down the middle and revealed tried the filling. Nice. Strawberry with cream.

The cake was a small cake. Together, they could finish it in a night or two. “The right side is yours, but allow me another cut?” She cut on the other part of the Neitherworld door and split it open. She was greeted by a welcomed expression.

“Aw, Honey, you shouldn’t have!” He immediately juiced up forks and a plate and went to town grabbing his side of the cake. “Details.”

“Not many.” She grabbed her own piece for her plate and started to eat. “I made it like I normally would. Once the batter was all stirred up, I took the few I had still in the snack baggies and put them in on one side. Not much stirring, they are mostly on the top side of your cake.”

“Bug nuts.” He took a bite eagerly. “Now this? This would bust any of those chefs right out of the kitchen. The colors. The array of the bugs. The sour and sweet between taste and crunch of the cake. Some are sweet like the cake, while the others are a nice complement to it, like nuts on a cinnamon roll.”

The sounds of the satisfying crunches of the cake weren’t the most appealing, but Lydia didn’t mind. She was happy she mastered it. On her side, in place of bugs, was just some basic strawberries and filling. She preferred that.

There were a couple of strays here and there, but she just mainly removed them, like someone who didn’t like nuts. It didn’t seem to offend him.

They both ate happily, as he shared a little about the day. About what the sound was about. About the snooty passenger he left in a very bad place.

She was eternally grateful that he found a way to protect her, and see her at the same time. She did need the company, without anyone finding her. But? There was definitely a large part of her that wanted to come out. That wanted to smell fresh air. That didn’t just live in a grave underneath his hat. “So two were around. Are they gone?”

“Probably, but they come back and forth all the time,” he told her. “We’ve even got demons interested now.”

Oh. “Can you visit Astrid at some point? I mean. I know I can’t see her, but hearing her voice would be nice.” Knowing her whole family was okay, would really help.

“Kind of hard. I let her down so much, that her mom completely abandoned me,” he reminded her. “I get it though. I did this same thing over 100 years. It was used as punishment.” He reached out and touched her hand. “It wasn’t used as a hiding spot. I don’t know if that’s better or worse, but this is all I got.”

“I know. I do,” she replied as she took another bite of her cake. “I am thankful that I survive. I’m really thankful for everything you do for me while I’m in here too.”

“It’s still a small slice of hell, I really get that,” he said.

“I mean, I get it? But like. I definitely get the whole marriage thing now.” She took another bite. “I think I’d marry anyone to get out of this place and go back to the real world.”

“Well, that’s not allowed,” he warned her. “And you make it sound like you were my last ditch hope. You weren’t. Like I said, I knew when I met you, you were the one for me.” He gestured to the cake. “How many people do you know would eat half a cake with essentially bug nuts in the other half?”

People who ate bugs. “I wanted to do something nice. This might feel trapped, but it’s better than being killed from the hunt,” she answered. “I just wish the hunt would stop. Your ex-wife especially. She might go over to Astrid to come get me.” Oh no! “Astrid!”

“You already said that a long time ago. This place can make your mind a little kooky too,” he warned her. “It’s normal and she’s fine.” He took another bite. “I petitioned to get Jeremy Frazier out of hell.”

What?! “What do you mean?” How? “I know you are great with papers, but, you got a demon that was sentenced to hell, back out?”

He wiggled his hand. “He wasn’t supposed to be there yet anyhow. Still, it’s not hard to get people to reverse that kind of thing, so I threw another protection on him. He can’t get farther than 15 feet from Astrid.”

“Fifteen?” Oh, he didn’t. “Luggage? You turned Jeremy Frazier into luggage?”

“Yeah.” He cackled and ran his finger right across his head. “Right across his forehead. Astrid’s Luggage.” He shrugged. “He isn't alive, so there's less chance for review as fast before I get him something else. Guy doesn’t mind, it’s better than being in hell, and soon he’ll have more room, so there’s that.”

“Jeremy Frazier. Killed his parents. Tried to steal Astrid’s soul. You made him . . . into luggage, to protect her?” It was so surreal. “You sent him back in the first place. You sent him in the first place,” she added too. “Both times!”

“I know, I know. He is my Son-In-Law now though, he’s gotta share some responsibility in the family.” He took another bite. “This is really terrific cake.”

“Beej.” He turned him into luggage. “I know you did that for a reason. Is Astrid okay?”

“Delores will probably want to get her, to get to you, since no one can find you. That’s not happening. I’d rather she just poof when she has to go to hell, but if Astrid’s under fire, it’s not an option. Jeremy can take her out, no problem, he’s like invulnerable to soul sucking right now. No one’s gonna get her, Babe.”

“That’s good to hear.” Just six months. It’s been four months. Just another two months.” He hadn’t really said that yet. “Another two months. Is that the length of the contracts so far? Then we can see Astrid again?”

“Most of them,” he muttered. “You should plan on just a little longer though. Some of the ones out there? Well, the longer it takes for someone to show up for the contracts, the better the chances that they have the late ones. And. I can take on a lot of ghosts.”

“They were going to be outright demons.” Challenging his power. She understood that now. Even if there weren’t many, they would be risky. He spoke with so much bravado in the beginning, but he didn’t do that anymore.

“Marriage is in twelve weeks,” he dropped on her. “I’ll take you to high protection a day before that. It’s just that, um, I haven’t even told Wolf where you were. Uh. I’m pretty sure he probably wants to arrest me now. Profile updated our actual marriage.”

“Oh.” She forgot about that. “That probably wasn’t nice to realize.”

“Yeah, but if I’m not doing something, I am working on his papers,” he said. “I’ll confront him when I’ve got him as an official actor.”

Yeah. He chose his own form of high protection for her. “No one’s ever gotten close to guessing the answer of where I’m at?”

“Nope. Few people really want to touch me, for one. For two, few people really want to tangle with me. So, even if they figure it out, they have to get to me first. Plus, nobody can tell I fade out on the other side, it just looks like daydreaming or sleeping. It’s safer. It’s sounder. It’s way more boring and mean to the ego but I don’t mind it.” He poked at his last piece. “When I remember, it’s nice.”

“Having me on your head, is nice?”

“Oh-ooooh yeah!”

Oh, great. She winced. “I didn’t mean it like that, and you know it.”

“It’s still nice.” He took his last bite. “It’s a lot better having you here, than having you ignore me for thirty years. Everyday, I get to see you a little bit during the day. The night, is mainly ours.”

She felt him playing footsie with her. “I’m never gonna be able to understand it. You never mumble anything out there when you’re in here.” He had an interesting look on his face. “What?”

It was a small chuckle. “I’m not an average ghost, I am The Ghost With the Most, Babe. It’s not just a saying, it’s true. This takes a little juice, but I could spare sooo much if I had to. I’m more present here, than I am out there when I visit you. I’m more like a shell out there. A mannequin. A car with safety features that’ll wake up and go off if someone gets close.”

She felt him playing footsie with her again and tried to hide a smile.

“I saw that.”

He had to call her out for it too. She rolled her eyes and then saw him disappear. Before he left, he also zapped in three beds. Two singles and one double. Everytime.

She moved toward a single and waited. He came back in his own PJ’s, and as most times before bed? Mouthwash. Always. “Do you always have to do that?” she pointed out. “Mouthwash every night, enough to smell it all the way over here.”

He just looked really confused. “I’m not missing an opportunity for a kiss, like, ever.”

“Yeah, but it’s-” Oop. She paused.

“It’s the mouthwash? You . . . you don’t like the mouthwash?”

“It’s not that I don’t like mouthwash. It’s just that you smell like a wintergreen forest being blended into a drink.” She didn’t care for it. She watched him raise a finger for a second.

“You know. You probably didn’t get all the buggy parts out of your half of the cake.”

“Probably not, but I got the bigger ones out that I could find.” What was his point? She felt around her teeth, felt something harder, and pulled it out. There was a tiny bit of a small bug. She flicked it away. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” He just smirked. “Everything is very, very right. Thirty years was just a give-me. I could have waited a whole 600 years again for you, Lydia Deetz.”

Why did he refer to her whole name. “What?”

“Nothing.” He just snorted. “I won’t overdo the mouthwash. Thanks for the cake.”

Uh oh. “I didn’t mean I hate the mouthwash.” That sounded so rude. “You can use what you want. I just meant, ease up a little on it?”

“Yeah.” He looked like he just hit the jackpot.

He was so weird sometimes. “Good night, Beej.” Tomorrow, would be another day.

Getting closer though. To the end of the the contracts. To the eternity marriage. All of it.

It was getting closer.

Chapter Text

Delia needed the last of the signatures. It was almost time. Everything was coming together as fast as she could get it to come. Somehow, during all this, one thing had slipped by.

The marriage. Lydia forgot to pay the reverend for the full marriage! Beetlejuice could no longer go back and forth unless Lydia called his name! When Delia found out, she worked extra hard to get everything ready. Lydia only had whatever she had in the grave that was there when he could visit, which wasn't often because she didn't know when he should be called to visit.

And he still had to deal with the amnesia to ignore the psychic demons. Fortunately, the six months was up today, and it was just up to the marriage to free her from the rest. Delia had to reach out and give her help toward an amnesiac Beetlejuice to keep things going still, by appealing to his more selfish side.

Delia appeared on the side. She had to always know exactly where he was, so she could get his signature on things very quickly so that no one watching him would pick her up. She was still hidden by the enforcement's spell. She approached him lying on the couch.

“Hey,” she called to him. “You have to come out, these are the last things to need signed.” Then, she heard a sound behind her and saw him. Ooh, it was the Chief of Police. “Not now.”

—

Come out? He was right there, why would Beetlejuice have to come out?

“Oh, I was having such a nice time,” Beetlejuice said as he grabbed the papers to sign, only to turn toward him. “Oh. Hey, Wolf.”

“Don’t you ‘Hey, Wolf’, me!” He moved up closer but stopped as Beetlejuice presented him with something.

“It’s a C class actor license.” Beetlejuice dropped it in his hand. “I can’t get any higher, but as promised, you can be an actor again. Expect commercials or small skits.”

An actor. He got to be an actor again? “You really did it.”

“A promise is a promise,” Beetlejuice said, “that, and I didn’t want you to kick my ass when you finally caught up to me.”

Wolf smiled and looked at his new license. Starting next year, he could legally be an actor. “This is wonderful.”

“I can’t believe you just up and followed me,” Delia complained to him. “Don’t you know this is really sensitive, no one can know about him possessing a mannequin to hide-”

Her mouth was zipped, but not fast enough. Wolf knew it, he was still protecting her somehow. Mannequin? “Hiding her. Possessing a mannequin, what have you been up to?”

“Nothing.” Beetlejuice looked uncomfortable on the couch, like something might attack him. “Hey!”

Wolf grabbed his hand. Yep. “Clever.” He could take it over and move it around, but he could feel the plastic of the mannequin body. “Does Lydia have one too?”

“It’s just for a last ditch escape if she needs it,” Delia said having ripped the zipper off her face.

“You are a terrible MIL, shut up,” Beetlejuice threatened her. “Having a cop around doesn’t help with suspicions.” He traced the brim of his hat.

“You’re almost there. Finish signing the papers,” She complained right back to him.

Wolf looked around. Beetlejuice was definitely hiding her, but where and how? “You never took your grave back.”

“Nope, took off to quick. Wanted to protect her. Instead, she left me behind.” That’s as far as Beetlejuice would say. “Not for much longer though. She’s going to need me or she’s never going to see Astrid again.”

Wolf opened a closet door and saw- No, it’s not her. It was a dead ringer though. “Mister Juice?”

“Hey, a guy gets lonely,” Beetlejuice used as the excuse to having a life sized doll that looked just like Lydia in the hotel closet. Normally he would only juice things up when he needed it.

Wolf noticed the extreme detail in it. That precision, it couldn’t be baked up in a few seconds. He checked around the body.

“Hey, hey, that’s my sex doll!” Beetlejuice complained to him. “Get your own.”

It wasn’t a sex doll, he was using that as an excuse when others found him. Not for one second did he let up. There must be a lot of enemies always ready to pounce. Why would he need it right next to him?

If he had his grave, he could have hid Lydia somewhere on the mannequin, but he didn’t. Did he? The tombstone was unmoved in the model. Wait, could he have just moved his coffin? “There’s something I want to say to you, Mister Juice. It’s on the tip of my tongue,” he said. “Maybe the tip of the hat?”

“Then what did you want to say?” Beetlejuice still wasn’t giving anything away. Wolf expected a cold-hearted look from him after saying that, but he didn’t change his expression. “Are you here to scold me about letting her get away? I don’t fucking care. Do you know how many ghosts and demons and fucking monsters keep bugging me about her all the time? However she’s surviving though, it won’t last long.” He held up a paper. “That bitch is almost legally mine. I am going to drag her into a ceremony to get that last name changed. There’s not a place in the world she can hide from me now.”

He doesn’t know her whereabouts? Unbelievable, but it looked true. He wasn’t giving any signs he knew her whereabouts at all. “You sent Jeremy Frazier free.”

“He can take out Delores if she gets near Astrid to find her hiding mom,” Beetlejuice answered. “I’ll give Lydia Deetz this, she sure does know how to fucking hide.” He stood up and went over toward Wolf, digging out more papers. “I’ve looked up and down in all her friends, family, and even Richard’s family to find a place she could go, and nothing. It’s like she picked some random closet somewhere and never poked her head out of it for anything for months.”

Hmm. Delia motioned over to him as Beetlejuice went to get the doll out of the closet. He sat it right beside him.

“Soon, you are going to be so much more than just a doll,” Beetlejuice said to her. “And you won’t be able to escape me again. Really. Not this time. You won’t.” He wrapped his arm around it. “You guys gonna buzz off soon?”

Eesh. Wolf heard Delia whisper something in his ear. He put forgotten magic over himself, Lydia is . . .? His guess was right. Yep. Lydia is in his grave, beneath his hat. Not just his hat either, he was possessing a doll itself with a hat, with another doll ready of her if he needed to switch.

His doll was perfect in every way too, he made it true to form. Kept it just as dirty as himself. Kept some terrible fake teeth in it. If he had actually examined his real teeth, he’d probably notice a slight difference. When he was in it, it looked remarkably like him.

But he probably wasn’t always in it. He’d want to keep Lydia some company, and she’d need food and breaks like any other person. Even then, with the juice power of Beetlejuice, it probably still passed pretty well from a distance. “You did a fine job.”

“Thanks, I really wanted my sex doll to be absolute perfection, as close to the real thing as possible,” Beetlejuice insisted. “Everything’s perfect about it except one thing. No Lydia.”

But, forgetting also left him in a real loop, to just assume things. A depressive state, believing Lydia did actually leave him. He was worried about her, following maps to anywhere she might be hiding, to protect her.

It made sense. He was even protecting her from psychic demons. Damn, he was good. He had pulled out all the stops to protect her in any way he could.

But? Wolf needed to talk to Lydia herself, without Beetlejuice. If his grave is under there. Then he would be able to get there.

Chapter Text

Lydia was taking some rolls out of the oven, when she was startled to see someone else there in the grave. It wasn’t Beetlejuice. Oh, he’s not going to like that. “How did you get in here?”

Wolf held a finger at her. “Hiding behind an amnesiac Beetlejuice, in a coffin separated from his grave.”

“You didn’t answer.”

“I’m a cop, I know backways to these places no one else can get,” he told her. “Lydia Deetz. About to be Juice at this rate. You don’t have much longer.”

“No. Six months is already up, I know,” she said. “I have just a couple of weeks for the wedding.”

“Everything is signed and ready it sounds like,” Wolf said to her. “But your six months is up. Contracts don’t run much more than that.”

“Some will last much longer,” she insisted. “I need my name changed.”

Wolf showed it to her. 

Lydia grabbed it, staring. “Really?”

“Really.”

“How?”

“How? You know, sometimes the badge just doesn’t get enough respect,” Wolf said to her annoyed. “I am the Chief of Police. It’s more than just a pretty face. I’ve been trying to find you, to get you that.”

Lydia stared at the paper. Lydia Deets. He changed her name, without any marriage needed.

“I can take you out of here, and back to Astrid,” he insisted. “I imagine spending four months beneath a hat has been grueling.”

It had been, and it was over. “What about Beetlejuice’s ex?”

“Haven’t heard a word. She can’t be out that long though, so she probably got dragged to hell by now,” he said. “Maybe Jeremy Frazier helped hold her hostage. All I know is she fell off the radar. Oh, and your ex, Richard? He lost his body to Jerry the Jaywalker, a nasty fiend. He’s safe though, and he’s learned how to pull back his neck.”

“How did he lose his body?”

“Making deals he shouldn’t be making,” Wolf answered. “I guess he didn’t learn. He learned now, I bothered to tell him what no one else would. Sometimes, really.”

Yeah. “Beetlejuice didn’t want him knowing it was just a paper thing,” Lydia defended him. “He wants to feel in charge of his life.”

“Yeah, and he goes too aggressively for what he wants, that he can break the law and not care,” Wolf reminded her. “Are you ready to go?”

Well? “I need to call Beetlejuice to see if he wants to wait longer for the wedding first to be safe.”

“Wedding? Look, you are fine now.” Wolf showed her her own profile. “See? You aren’t married.”

“Yeah, I figured that out.” Things got tougher. She had to summon him, without knowing whether it was safe to or not.

“You get what you pay for,” Wolf told her. “Nobody paid the reverend what he was owed for the 36 year fee of waiting. All he got paid was for the first part, so the marriage was revoked. Welcome to the Neitherworld, the whole law system is different down here.”

Oh. “I forgot it in all the conflict. Beej didn’t want to get paid anymore either, so it all fell off my radar. It doesn’t matter though, I still promised an eternity marriage. I will still marry him in a couple of weeks,” she insisted. She wouldn’t go back on her word. 

“Should you?” Wolf asked. “He’s done so much, he’s clearly earned hell anyhow. He’s killed, you know that.”

Lydia nodded. “I’m not blind. I was blind with my last boyfriend, and I won’t be blind again.” He looked at her oddly. Oh! “I didn’t mean boyfriend for, I meant for Rory, the last guy I was gonna marry.” 

“A little flustered there.” He didn’t stop looking at her oddly. 

“How is Astrid?” Different subject.

“Well, we can go see her if you are ready?” he pointed out.

Right. 

“Have you actually kissed him? Started a relationship with him?” Wolf just had to ask.

“I hardly see him. I do dinner, and like bathroom and shower breaks. I see him even less since he only comes when I call.” She tried not to do it unless she absolutely had to. 

“Well, call him. He should be alone right now, with just a doll of you.”

Yeah. “Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.”

She watched him appear. He looked very confused, then shocked, always angry, and right before he yelled, he always stopped himself. His memory would kick in. Then he’d relax with a serene smile for her.

This time though, there was another look for the extra person there. “Shit. What are you doing here?!” he yelled at Wolf.

“He got my name changed,” Lydia said in his defense. She handed him the paper.

Beetlejuice took it and inspected it. He looked a little grumpy. “Yeah, well. Law.”

“It doesn’t change things,” she assured him. “I’ll still marry you soon.” Especially now, he deserved to be freed.

“I have protection ready to go. I had it just in case I found her.” Wolf pulled out something from his pocket. “Normally, I would start getting in trouble if I added too much protection, but we’ll move her to high, so she can visit her daughter.”

“Then the jig sounds like it’s up here,” Beetlejuice answered him. “If Delores has been taken care of?”

“I haven’t heard anything about her. I have a sneaking suspicion there’s a demon that’s either harbouring her, or she’s already returned. Her profile doesn’t say either one, but you know that they take awhile to update sometimes.” A definite nod toward Beetlejuice hiding the marriage.

“Yeah.” Beetlejuice glanced toward her. “Do you want to see your Son-In-Law now?”

Ugh. “Do you have to call him that?”

“It’s what he is.” He shrugged. “Don’t worry. If he hasn’t taken care of his end of the deal, he’ll be going back to the firey pit of damnation again. Or, if he hasn’t gotten too close to Astrid.”

“It is a thing with criminals,” Wolf said to her. “They gloss over a lot more than they should.”

“Okay, I’ll give you that one,” Beetlejuice said to him. “However? We also don’t bat an eye at getting rid of each other either. Okay. We are going to see if he took care of Delores.”

They were finally going to see Astrid? Lydia watched him so carefully.

“Yes, we are going,” he finally said. “I had Wolf show up, drop up a ton of hints about crap, and even if I didn’t get it then, someone could have picked it up. We have to go now.”

Oh, finally! Fresh air. Freedom. It was coming.

Chapter Text

“Cocoa?” Jeremy offered some cocoa in a cup for Astrid.

Astrid took it as the door bell rang. Jeremy of course answered it, to make sure it wasn’t anyone that still didn’t get the memo Astrid wasn’t under contract anymore.

“Oh? Uh.”

“Is Astrid here?”

Astrid left the room, leaving her all alone to hear the aggravating sounds outside. Beetlejuice’s family. Beetlejuice’s stupid wife. She was more than ready to kill her.

She watched as he moved toward the kitchen, surprised to see her.

“Oh.” Beetlejuice came in and saw her. He crossed his finger over his mouth. “Oops. Looks like you have something over your mouth there, Delores.”

Delores? Not Sweetie? Not Dear, Darling, or Honey? Not even a word in their original language? Ooh, that ‘new wife’ had her hooks in him really well! He even called her sweet names when she showed up to ruin his wedding to the Deetz woman.

She still had power to get out of her binds, but not nearly as much since Jerry the Jaywalker took half that power away. Still, she could, right now reach for her lovely ex. Only, that annoying real demon was not far away.

Jeremy was looking in, watching her. He watched her like a bird ready to attack it’s prey. As close as Betelgeuse got to her, her sweet ex seemed to know of it too.

“So? Son-In-Law seemed to buckle you up pretty good, huh?” he smiled. “Yeah. Pretty good family I got now. Didn’t see that coming, huh? I mean, you were the first family member I ever knew. Ever had. Then, you know. You killed me,” he said to her. “Then I realized the only one who really cared died when I was born. Then I lost her.”

Why was he talking to her like that?

“Didn’t sense anything after I lost her. Didn’t give any degree of a fuck anymore. Then I got attached to new people. Before I knew it, I gained several new family members. A new wife, a daughter, a pair of in-laws, and even became one. Crazy, huh? Didn’t see that coming at all.” He just leaned against the kitchen table. “Guess how many have tried to kill me?”

Oh, if she was only free . . . while he ran his little mouth, someone else was watching too. And that individual? Was pissing her off! She wasn’t looking at her at all, she was watching her Betelgeuse, like she was worried about his welfare!

And that was infuriating, she did not have eyes like that at the wedding, when did she get eyes like that for him?

“Beej?” that little bitch called to him. She gave him a nickname too. Astrid’s made sense, she was a daughter. If they got close, she would eventually call him something, but this bitch? Beej. Beej. What kind of name even is that? It’s not short for beetle at all, it’s stupid.

Ugh, she looked so concerned for her beloved! “Beej,” that little whore called out again. “Please be careful, don’t get too close.”

Oh, such compassion for someone who killed several other people! She should have had some annoying pixie of a man who couldn’t even raise a barbell, and instead, she was making clear designs on her Betelgeuse!

That marriage was supposed to be fake. The other marriage was supposed to be fake. Betelgeuse was just wanting to get to move to the other side, that’s all it had been. To expand his territory. He was with her because he was protecting his investment to continue to travel over there!

That’s what it should have been, but that nasty little musty bitch did not have eyes of business. Did not have eyes of a friend. At some point, she’d grown to like him. Oh no, no. She was definitely going to die, getting her soul squeezed out ever so well.

Lydia didn’t come too close to the kitchen, to the woman who wanted to suck out her soul. Delores’ mouth was completely sealed, with some kind of metal and nails. She looked a lot like Barbara the first time Beetlejuice was attempting to marry her.

Yet, those eyes on her. They were blistering. She didn’t want Beetlejuice to get too close and get lulled into a false sense of security. She’d never forgive herself if that woman exorcised him. “Beej, can you come back over here?”

He glanced toward her. “She can’t do anything.”

“I know, but I’d still feel better if you didn’t get too close.” When Lydia said that, she swore Delores’ eyes casted over with a red sheen.

Astrid started to look at her mom. The way she was staring at Beetlejuice was definitely different. She never even looked that intently at Rory. She went over and looked into the kitchen where Beetlejuice, Delores and Jeremy were at.

Beetlejuice didn’t say anything and just came over, looking at Astrid. “Sorry for the abrupt timing, but Wolf kind of ruined a lot,” he said to her. “Like your new kitchen decor.”

Astrid smiled at him. “I can’t believe you really put Jeremy onto guard duty around here.”

“He doing well?” Beetlejuice asked.

“He’s doing . . . okay?” she reasoned. “He’s fine. Sort of. It’s weird. So is that.” She gestured toward Delores. “She should have been gone and sent back to hell already, but she’s still sticking around.”

“Oh, Lydia!” Grandma Delia came over toward her mom. She had been waiting for some time for mom to see everything she had for her. “I see you are finally visiting the house. It’s nice, isn’t it?” She gestured around it. “For the Neitherworld, it’s a palace. For our world, it’s not even half as big as our old place,” she said. “Still, it gives us all a place to stay. I am finishing the invitations. Is there anyone else you wanted to invite? Could you invite your house-selling friend? I need more from the other side, it needs to be more equal.”

“I guess I could,” her mother agreed softly.

Astrid doubted she wanted to invite many people.

“Good, good.” Grandma Delia moved her mom away more toward her. “Let me show you your fabulous bouquet and shoes. They are so gorgeous.”

“Not too far,” Beetlejuice said toward her mom.

Yeah. “We should play it safer still,” Lydia insisted. “I’ll see them later.”

“We have guest bedrooms you can sleep in. It’s pretty late already,” Grandma Delia told her. “Honestly, it’s seriously late. Why didn’t you come in the morning?”

“Things were getting risky for them,” Astrid said to her. “I don’t care what time it is, I’m glad she-”

“Eh!”

Astrid looked back toward Beetlejuice. What happened? She noticed everyone looking to her mom’s side, and saw a large board with nails that had ripped away from the dining room. It had been frozin in air, and had been coming straight toward her!

Ooh. Those nails could have hit her in the face if it traveled far enough. But if that wasn’t shocking enough? Her mom.

Beetlejuice came over, pulled the board out of the air and tossed it while her mother just grabbed him and hugged him desperately.

“Oh. Well,” Grandma Delia. “Clearly we missed something.”

Astrid’s mouth just dropped. That was not a typical hug she was giving him. That was a deep hug. Way too close for anything her mom ever offered. She never once hugged Rory like that even once. Even when the hug was over, she was still in his arms, lying on his chest. Beetlejuice also wasn’t acting like it was the biggest shock in his entire life to have her grab him like that. “Mom?”

Beetlejuice looked toward the kitchen. “She can see further than I thought.” He moved away from her mom and went back to the kitchen with Jeremy.

Astrid went straight toward her mom. Sure, she knew her mom had a little bit of a softspot for him, but like . . . “When did this happen?”

Her mom bit her lip a little bit. She knew exactly what she was talking about. “It was gradual. Sort of.”

“Have you kissed?” Astrid asked.

“I haven’t gotten that far. We lost our marriage when I was . . .”

Wow. Just, wow. “Does he brush his teeth more often? Take better showers?” Actually, her mom herself was smelling a little ripe the longer she stayed near her. “Mom? What happened?” And why was she hiding it?

“It’s just . . . it was over time. Then, I guess . . .”

Chapter Text

One Month Ago

Lydia watched as Beetlejuice appeared. “I couldn’t find anything to add to our food tonight for you. All I managed was the tiniest gnats that would just be offensive to use for you.”

“Hey, I still get a nice warm dinner to come home too,” he insisted as he took the other plate. He whipped up a round small table again and, of course, sat across from her.

As she ate, she was never surprised that he was playing with her feet. She just couldn’t hide a smile, which encouraged him more. “Okay, I’m trying to eat,” she said with a full mouth as she touched his weird feet back. “Is it good?”

“It’s getting there,” he answered.

Then when she took another bite, she felt his hand on her leg. Okay, I caused that. I basically played footsie back with him. I shouldn’t have done that, I know that. She felt his hand move down her feet and he started to massage it? “Are you massaging my feet?”

“It’s a start.” His eyes were just on her. He wasn’t interested in the food at all. “Do you realize you’re in love with me yet?”

“That phrase again.” She remembered him saying that, when he had a little therapy session with her. “I . . . ?” How could she explain that she thought he was a great friend? The words just weren’t coming out tonight. He really was a great friend. The best friend in the world. He watched her back. He made her laugh. He protected her. He even forgot her, and put himself in misery so often just to keep her safe. All the time.

It was honestly the hardest thing she could think of. All she ever wanted to do was be there for him as soon as he could remember. When he couldn’t, and he talked down about himself. “I hate that you have to forget and remember so often. It’s not right.” She poked at her food. “You are the very reason I continue to draw breath. I don’t why you even put up with all of this and never just gave me up to Wolf to figure out.”

She looked back toward him. His expression softened a little.

“Well, confidentially, it’s hard as fuckin’ hell to think you ran off and left me behind because I disappointed you,” he said honestly. “Every time.” He poked at the food. “I think it’s harder than even spending time here for over a hundred years.” He stopped poking the food. “I love you so fucking much, there’s no way it doesn’t hurt, Babe. At the same time, I can’t stand the thought of failing you and losing you for good. I’d rather be exorcised.”

Ohh. “Even if I do get killed, I wouldn’t ever blame you. I’d still come and find a way to see you,” she insisted. “I know that you’ve done everything you possibly could. I would never hold it against you.” Never. Never, ever. “You’re just . . .” Oh.

His smile could not be bigger, it almost looked like a sneer the way he overcompensated on it. He stood up, grabbed her, and music started to play as they danced.

Wow. How did she start from not wanting to say his name to save her life in their vehicle, to not ever wanting to even let him feel like a failure? I love him. And he could see it now. “I think . . .”

“Think?”

She felt her feet start to levitate off the floor. Dancing in the air. Last time they did that, he had wanted a kiss. A 62k kiss. She wasn’t nearly as high this time, not in the space of the coffin. It was decent space, but there was clearly a limit how big or tall it could get.

A lot of things were different between then and now. Now, she was willingly dancing with him. He didn’t try to control her movements besides the elevation. He didn’t risk putting any words in her mouth. It felt like he was using safety gloves with her, like if he did one thing wrong, she’d burn him.

That wasn’t the feeling from last time at all. Last time, she didn’t want held, and this time? I do want held by him. It feels . . . right.

She hugged him closer as she danced with him. “I think . . . that I might have . . .” She looked straight into his eyes. How did that face ever look anything but a normal, funny guy? Sneers, cackles, even smirks, she didn’t see them nearly as often as she thought. The way he died just affected the way he’d been, just like everyone else.

Nothing was bad with him at all. Even being in air, light and soft as possible. How did this perverted man who dealt with Barbara and tried to marry her . . . change so much? Love.

He loved her. He said it a million times, but she could see it so clear as day. Every single thing he did for her, was all for her. If she died, he could have wormed his way close by being a guide on the other side, just like he did for Delia. Instead, he did everything he could to keep her alive with their daughter.

With Astrid. “You’ve been dead for so long. Thirty six years really shouldn’t seem like anything to someone who’s . . . been dead for over 600 years.”

“Ah.” He seemed to get what she was getting. “In none of that first 600 years was I haunted by a half-wife and a daughter that I couldn’t actually talk to.” He pulled her in closer. “Feeling your feelings. Your highest highs. Your lowest lows. It was wonderful, and it was torture. I hadn’t felt any real feelings since . . .”

“Since you were alive?” No. “Since . . . your mom.” Since he had to care for someone. Since someone had cared for him. That made such a huge difference in just a span of 36 years. From that crazy, wild man who couldn’t sit down for two seconds.

To the man holding onto her in a slow dance, above the floors. No. To the ghost. The Ghost with the Most.

Then? She fell. Oh, that hurt so much! How could Beetlejuice actually drop her? Her back felt like it . . . her back felt nothing.

“Babe!”

It was a good thing they weren’t up very high. “What happened?”

“Connection’s gone,” he said to her. “Fully. This is bad.”

Connection? “How is it gone?” She watched him start to add in several pots. Not just regular pots. What were those?

“We’ve got a big, big problem. We never paid the reverend that married us,” he said. “In the Neitherworld, that meant he could reverse it.”

What? “We aren’t married?”

“We aren’t even half married, he terminated the whole thing.”

Lydia found herself now on the bed. Her back was starting to sting again. “I never got any kind of a bill.”

“I was basically under house arrest, unable to go to the Neitherworld. I couldn’t get my mail, and since we weren’t supposed to have gotten married, Wolf probably thought he could ignore that mail. Fuck!” He was starting to curse. “I can fix your back if . . . Shit,” he muttered. “I can keep you comfortable.”

The pain started to subside again, but she felt other pain in her legs now.

“The change in status between us, it made me lose my juice over you, and I was barely hanging on,” he said. “I’m so sorry, Babe.” He was kissing her hand over and over. “I promise, if you ever dance with me like that again, I’ll completely hang on. I won’t ever let that happen again.”

She felt him kiss her head again.

“You’ll have to be the one to call me back and forth from now on. I can’t move from world to world anymore. I can't just come back and forth to keep you comfortable.” He held onto her hand so tightly.

She saw hospital type pots appear as all the pain disappeared.

But Beetlejuice looked wiped out. “Wait two days to call on me at least. Only do it for dire emergencies. If you are vomiting, you better call me. If you start to bleed, you better call me. Got it?” He also filled the side of the room with food. “That’s about a week right there. Right before you run out, you need to call me to refill all of that.” He also zapped up some books. “Hope that keeps you less bored.” Twenty random books to read.

She understood. Gone were the days of nice showers and decent potty breaks. Desperation had set in. He could no longer visit of his own accord, and he wasn’t risking more than he had to. “I’ll be okay.” She pulled herself out of bed, to show just that. He fixed her.

“I know you don’t like things dirty,” he said again. “It’s gotta be.”

“I know. I’ll be fine,” she promised. “Time’s almost up. You can marry me again. For eternity this time. Unbreakable.”

“Right,” he agreed. “Unbreakable. I don’t care if the connection broke, I still see you as my wife.”

She just nodded as he faded away.

Present Day in Astrid's Home

Someone is being bad again,” Jeremy said from the kitchen as her mother finished her story.

Oh. Astrid could tell, her mom was about ready to say it, but the whole marriage ending, really shoved her in the corner. She wasn’t going to confess when the most time they spent together could only be a few minutes not even once a day.

“It would . . . be mean to tell him at this stage,” she said to Astrid. “He could barely visit. Now, his ex is not very far away, and she seemed to pick up on things.”

Her mom looked like she still wanted to head back to the kitchen, to watch out for him. “He’s fine. She is Jeremy’s specialty.” Still, she wanted to, so Astrid went to look into the kitchen with her.

As she thought, Jeremy had control of the situation. Only, her mom also forgot to tell her something else, and it made Delores absolutely livid. “Forget something mom?”

Oh no, of course. “Oh, it’s Baby Geuse.” Lydia went to Jeremy who was getting attacked by it. “Sorry, he gets triggered when I fall in danger.” She held him closer, to get him to settle down.

“Whoah, whoah, whoah, don’t you dare!” Beetlejuice seemed to be holding his hand right out toward Delores. So was Jeremy.

“I am pretty sure your wife should probably get out of the kitchen,” Jeremy told him. “She is getting more wild than ever. Maybe move her to the other side of the house somewhere?”

Then, Lydia watched as the rivets of the metal actually came out and her mouth opened up toward Lydia. She expected something horrible, like getting her soul drained, instead she yelled-

“You have his child protecting you, you bitch!”

Oh. Instead of sucking her soul, she was actually super jealous?

Yeah, she could see it. Her goal isn’t just to exorcise him, it’s to join him completely. That was obsession in those sharp looks. She somehow expected to share their souls together. She could probably only hold a husband’s soul with hers.

“I can’t be sent to hell, because I married someone else!” Delores yelled at Betelgeuse. “An eternity marriage too. I will always be here, ready to take you into me.”

“Knock it off,” Jeremy insisted to her. “He just has to be a few feet away to stay safe.” He was conjuring some metal and rivets again. “That explains why she hasn’t left yet for hell.” He glanced toward Beetlejuice. “Just keep me out of hell, and I’ll make sure she never reaches you.”

“Ugh! Jerry freed you to help us, not betray us!” Delores yelled as the metal and rivets once against sealed her mouth.

“Is it Jerry the Jaywalker?”

Lydia saw Wolf come into the room. He had practically disappeared when they came there.

“Jerry the Jaywalker?” Beetlejuice seemed to know him. “Shit, I owe that guy money. And. Other stuff.” He gave Lydia a disturbed look for a second and looked away. “It was before I knew you, Sweetie. What's the deal with Jerry, Wolf?"

While Wolf talked to Beetlejuice, Lydia left the room with Baby Geuse. “Don’t bite anyone out here.” He made a disappointed sound.

“Well, little brother looks okay?” Astrid kidded around.

Baby Geuse reached out to her. "Momma!"

Astrid immediately backed up. "I regret the joke now."

“He just appears when I find myself in trouble,” Lydia answered her. “He’ll wander off and disappear here soon.” She placed him on the ground and he scuttled toward beneath the couch.

Meanwhile, Beetlejuice came back over closer. “We should go to the opposite side of the house, and maybe move her to the basement. Otherwise, we need to stay somewhere else.”

Lydia nodded, and looked back at Astrid. “Do you have room at the opposite end?”

Astrid took them to a guest room, but before entering, Astrid whispered to her mom.

“Tell him tonight,” she insisted.

Lydia didn’t answer back. She’d tell him when the moment was right.

“Tonight,” Astrid demanded.

Tonight? “It’s super late, Astrid.”

“This looks fine,” Beetlejuice said. “If we can scoot her back further, that’d be even better.” He noticed the look on Astrid’s face. “What?”

“Mom wants to talk to you about something,” Astrid said boldly.

Astrid! “Not tonight, it’s late.” Honestly. She would know the right time. She went into the room and looked around. It was late, really late. It would be better to talk in the morning.

Beetlejuice wasn’t relaxed at all either. He was pulling back curtains and staring out windows. “We might split soon, I still don’t like this. She isn’t far, and she wants our souls. It’s just that Wolf is here, and he can help keep her in check.” He was tapping the edge of the bedpost. “Unless you suddenly realized you love me back, I better stand guard.”

Uh! But, she did, but he said it the way he always said it, and she really didn’t want to tell him then. He was already looking toward her. He was already starting to look odd.

Then there was a knock at the door. Once again, Delia. “I really want you to see what we have for the wedding. It’s not very far.”

Ugh! “I don’t feel comfortable with that right now, Delia. I just . . . I’d really like a bath.” They had an attached bathroom in the room.

“Fine, fine,” Delia groaned with a roll of her eyes. “At some point, someone is going to actually be excited about this wedding. It’s happening soon.”

“Delia? Take a hike,” Beetlejuice insisted.

Oh good, she vanished. Beetlejuice must have done that. “I want to take a bath.”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Beetlejuice said. “It’s right in our room. Delores is further away. Should be fine.”

Oh, he was so overprotective. “I’ll yell if anything happens,” she promised as she went to the bathroom.

Oh a bathroom. No more pots. A clean tub. It was a dream come true. First, she used the bathroom. This is soooo nice. She then went to the shower and turned on the water. She started to undo her shirt-

???

Oh geez, ow! Lydia grabbed her head. Her knees were throbbing. She looked up and saw a bag land near her. What was this?

She was on a mountain full of baggage? “Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.” Nothing? What? “Hello?” There was nothing but an echo.

---

Oh, it was so nice to be hanging out with Lydia again. It was a real crash on the head every time he had to believe she had left. She came out of the bathroom. That was really quick. Way too quick. She would have wanted to take a decent shower. “No shower?”

“Mmm.” She came over toward her bed. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Yeah, Astrid said she had wanted to. “Then what?”

“Well. Your ex? Maybe you should have a deeper conversation with her,” Lydia said. “The looks she gave me were complete jealousy. She could have sucked my soul instead of yelled at me.”

Jealous? Who cared if she was jealous, why did Lydia bring that up at all?

“You both killed each other. It’s . . . even. Maybe you should try talking to her more?” Lydia asked.

“There’s no talking, stand in front of her to hear her words, and she’ll kill you. What do you care about this for, anyhow? She’s long gone, she’s the past, she is nothing.”

“Because.” Lydia shrugged. “I think that if you talked things out with her, neither of you might have to go to hell. Maybe it could be seen as some huge misunderstanding.”

Misunderstanding? That bitch killed me. Lydia is being shy, but she’s also saying things she’d never say. Ever. Damn, if he still had his connection with her, he’d be able to tell what the hell was wrong.

“I want to go back to Richard,” she stated. “All this time, hiding and going through so much alone, I’ve had a lot of time to think about things.”

He just stared at her. He looked at her carefully, and figured it out. As much as he tried to use his juice to capture her appearance, he never fully captured her perfectly. He also didn’t want to, just in case his own juice was turned against him.

Her forehead was a little too high, her cheeks were too pink, her lips were fuller on top than they should be. He hadn’t been looking super close at her, didn’t need to catch every thing about her at bedtime.

But with the way she was talking, he examined her and already had some of it figured out.

Now, how could he get this to work for him? “You want to ditch me again for Richard? Geez, Babe. Can’t we at least have one more fuck session?”

He moved toward the doll, which backed away more. Easily not Delores. That leaves Jerry. Jerry the Jaywalker somehow stole Lydia, and took over the doll of her, the same way he took over his own doll. Fucking hell! Ghosts was one thing. Demons was another thing. Taking on essentially someone who knew his specialties?

That one took brains. Immediately he had to think about what Jerry wanted. Asshole knew the standard contracts were up, and if he just wanted to kill Lydia then he wouldn’t have bothered to fetch the doll in the hotel he’d been at.

Which means he’d been spying too. Working with Delores. Married Delores is what she claimed, which would explain why she was still around. Where is Lydia? “One more go?”

“No,” Jerry posing as Lydia declared. “No, that’s not possible. Not anymore, I want to go back to Richard.”

Richard. Jerry was already known to have taken over Richard according to Wolf. He wants to do some kind of switcheroo.

Now, Jerry had been around when Beetlejuice was Juno’s assistant. He worked him over pretty well for a few things, and it seemed he thought it was time to get some compensation.

Too bad he picked a really bad time to get even with him.

Maybe 37 years earlier. Maybe even 27 years. Now? You ain’t got a fucking chance, Flat Boy. “Oh, come on, Babe!” He grabbed the doll and started to juice it around. “One more go, Babe, what do you say?”

“No,” he said. “I will pay you what I owe you, but I don’t want an eternity marriage with you.”

“Aww, come on, Babe?” He grabbed him and brought him closer. “I could take you to so many places. I can make you feel really good, you know? The best.” He juiced up a sex toy. “Just bend over again. Come on, we’ve done it a thousand times.” He bent him over, and made him use his juice to get away. “Babe? Hey, how’d you do that?”

He was crossing his arms, feeling very uncomfortable. Bastard would need to get out and blow his cover. “Please don’t do that anymore, okay? This is the reason I want to go to Richard. I don’t want you touching me. You match better with your wife.”

Why was Jerry trying to get him to Delores? Jerry supposedly married her, so . . .? Oh, Jerry. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. You done fucked up this time. He knew exactly what Jerry was wanting. He probably had some fun with Delores, but wanted to get Lydia.

It was actually pretty brilliant what he wanted to do. The only problem? Beetlejuice wasn’t the exact same kind of guy as Jerry remembered. Oh, he still killed. Oh, he was still terrible in just about every way.

But when it came to Lydia.

Nobody.

Fucked.

With Lydia.

Chapter Text

Lost Luggage System

Lydia had felt the ground beneath her moving. Surrounded by suitcase after suitcase.

“Hello.” Someone showed up floating beside her. “Your last name has been changed.”

“Yes, it did,” she said to them. “Could you get me out of here?”

“No can do. You see, you are no longer owned. You are just going to be circulating in the system forever, and I can’t allow that.”

Lydia tried to hold onto the suitcases. “Then get me out of here.”

“No, I can’t legally remove lost luggage like that,” he said. “I’m just sending you to the incinerator, to make sure you don’t take up room in the system.”

What?! “What do you mean? Find Beetlejuice!” She yelled.

“Look, the person who found you says that he will take you off our hands legally, if you sign this.” He passed something to her.

Lydia looked at that. A contract of marriage? “No, no way.”

“Look, I can’t take you off this thing unless you sign that.”

“I am not signing it.” She could feel it getting warmer, and she felt an incline start to come, but she wasn’t going to just sign a marriage contract. Not this time.

“Well, okay, it’s your death. Call for help again from Sam if you change your mind. Have a nice day.” He disappeared.

Astrid's Home

Perfect. Betelgeuse was coming straight to Delores. Jerry’s plan was working.

“Hey.” Betelgeuse looked miserable. “Lyd doesn’t want to marry me, she wants to marry her ex.” He took a seat next to her. “I don’t believe this. I did so much for her. You have no idea what I did for her!”

Delores nodded her head. “She was nothing but a manipulative bitch. I’m the only one who loves you, Betelgeuse.”

“Yeah, right. You got married too,” he pointed out.

“Would you come back, if I wasn’t married?” she asked. “I only did it to escape hell.”

“You killed me,” Betelgeuse pointed out, “and you still want my soul. If you didn’t? Then, you would have been perfect. Forever. Why’d you have to do that?”

“I wanted to be with you forever,” she said to him. “Immortality with you, forever. One body. Two souls. It would be so passionate. Do not be afraid to join me in here.”

He seemed to be thinking about it, but he didn’t answer. “600 years. No serious relationships since you. I find one person I really think fits, and even as often as I’ve saved her? Nothing. I’m still just this dirty, dead guy. Death isn’t good enough to get away anymore.”

“I would comfort you,” she soothed him. “You would never be alone again. Never again. The pain would all be over, my love. The only pain left for us is our emotions. So, I can get rid of that hurt within your heart for good. Marry me, Betelgeuse. Be one with me.”

“Anything to escape this pain. This is the third time I gave her.” He looked almost on the verge of tears and sniffled. “I can’t marry you, you’re married.”

“I’m not.” She smiled. “He just helped extend my stay. I can easily marry you now, my beloved.”

He stood up from the chair and walked around. He was really thinking. “I’m gonna give it one more try up there,” he insisted. “If the love of my afterlife just . . . still won’t. We’ll take the marriage ceremony.”

The marriage ceremony? “What do you mean, my Love?”

“When she marries Richard, I’ll marry you,” he answered. “Death just isn’t good enough.”

Oh. Oh! There are no feelings for me at all. He wants me to exoricse him, to escape his own pain. Once and for all. No more existence. It wasn’t for her. It was for that other bitch! He will learn to love me, from within. Deep inside. My beloved will learn to love me again. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

“I just? I wish it could just be some kind of trick,” he muttered. “But it’s her, no doubt about it. I know Lydia inside and out. Every piece of her hair. Every color in her cheek. Every imperfection in her is perfection.”

Ugh! Hearing him talk about her like that. That stupid bitch.

“Well, I have to give it one more try though,” he insisted. “I’ll be back. Maybe if I just rock her world a few more times before she gets married she’ll change her mind?”

Oh, no, don’t do that! But, he up and disappeared. Damn.

Well, it was useless. That woman would never touch him.

On The Opposite Side of the House

Wolf looked at the art around the place. Everything looked pretty much from the Neitherworld, it was amazing what Delia had done with her art. She had wanted to drag someone to see the marriage stuff, and since he wasn’t sleeping, it ended up being him.

“So this is the half, while the other half is hidden in this side of the wall,” she declared, “and when it’s time, the wall is going to split open, and instead of half a wedding area, it opens into our Winter Forest home!” She clapped in excitement. “It is just so-”

“You took forever to get over to this side of the house. Jerry stole my wife.”

Wolf turned and saw Beetlejuice.

“I need a favor,” Beetlejuice said. “I need to get into the office and see what he was looking at, he’s probably the reason the wedding failed. I need to know what he’s been up to.”

Wolf saw as a second Beetlejuice show up.

“Take this for a ride with Jerry,” he insisted. “Keep up appearances with Delores, and move into the wedding day tomorrow when I say it.”

“How is he supposed to be you, on your wedding day?” Delia complained.

“I am not going to possess a doll,” Wolf told him. “That’s so tacky.”

“I’ll move you to a B class license,” Beetlejuice buttered him up. “You’ll go from commercials, to actually being secondary background actors, and maybe even secondary side characters.” He patted his lap. “It’s the highest I can get you, and it’s going to take every bit of five years, but I’ll do it! Just do this for me.”

A B? Wolf was still excited that he’d be able to be C, a commercial actor. A B? A B meant that one day, he might be able to attain an A! If he did well enough on his own merit! "Frank Hardballer is back baby!" At the very least, he would be able to star in the actual Neitherworld films, not just commercial involvement! “What do you need?”

Jerry watched as Beetlejuice came back into the room. He was still possessing the Lydia doll, but Beetlejuice really creeped him out in it. “I want to go see Richard soon.”

“Just a moment,” Beetlejuice said as he came in. He locked the door. “Let me check something real quick, okay?” He sat on the bed next to him and grabbed his hands. “I love you so much. I’ve done everything for you, and I’ve got to try one last thing before this is over.” He stared at him. “Stare into my eyes without words for twenty minutes, just like we used to.”

They used to stare into each other’s eyes for twenty whole minutes? Jerry followed his lead though and just stared straight at him.

This would be a boring twenty minutes.

Waiting Room Entrance to Neitherworld

“Look, right here.” Beetlejuice held up a contract. “I promise. This is a last promise with a contract. Whenever you are on duty, I will not interact with you. I’ll choose the other secretary or I’ll wait.”

The secretary he chose on the right stared at the contract. She tapped her fingers against her counter. She really should go for this, he had annoyed her pretty bad with his baggage tricks. “Okay, what do you want?”

“What’s Jerry the Jaywalker been up to?” Beetlejuice asked. “Did you talk to him?”

“Oh.” Yep, she was the one Jerry picked too. “He was bringing in some found lost luggage. It’s supposed to be returned to the owner, it’s going through the system right now.”

Luggage. Lost luggage. Lydia. Why would he do that, declaring her as found luggage, she would go directly back to him. Unless? This guy gets into everything, and Wolf changed her last name. That meant he’d get her in underneath the profile of her being Lost Luggage, but somewhere along the line, someone would pick up the last name defect.

She was Lydia Deets now. No longer considered his luggage.

Or? More than likely, he was planning on just keeping her in the system while he tricked him with his own doll. Without the connection, it was harder to sense the difference, but even with it. It was impossible to get every feature right. Anyone else would swear she was a twin of it.

Either way, he didn’t have long. That luggage system was not mean for a living person to survive.

Lost Luggage System

Lydia was so close, she could actually see the incinerator. She kept trying to climb the other way over the suitcases, but no matter what she did, she couldn’t seem to get past the incline.

Sam the helper came back again and offered the contract. He said it was all he had, she was just considered luggage, and he had no legal right to do anything else. “You are going to die if you keep this up. You can’t get past this incline. See how the suitcases just fall further away? It’s because it’s concave, goes back in, then comes back out in a weird shape.”

“Why?!”

“I don’t know, it’s just how the Neitherworld works,” he told her. “Anyhow, when you fell, that was it, it’s unclimbable backwards. You are doomed to die. Just sign this contract.”

“I promised my ex-husband an eternity marriage.” That was a solid promise, it wasn’t to get herself out of a jam. It was to get him to his own mother one day again. It was to keep him out of hell. If I die, I could still do that. But? She would be burned to death. It wasn’t an easy death to just accept.

But. He has to go to hell because of a paper mistake. I can’t let him. Not him. He’d already done so much for her. For Astrid. She just couldn’t betray him. And? “Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse!”

“You are in the Neitherworld, who do you think you are calling for help?” Sam the unhelping helper asked. “Ow!”

Lydia watched as Baby Geuse started to chew at his head. He was going to burn too. He isn’t real. He’s just the inner child of Beetlejuice. What he would do if he could. Still? He didn’t deserve to burn either.

Sam easily disappeared.

Last chance is gone. She looked behind her. It was coming faster than she could climb backward anymore. She watched Baby Geuse come over toward her, and put his hands around her neck gently. Wishing he could do something.

A lot of pain and then it’s over. She was already so exhausted, but she wouldn’t do it. She wouldn’t turn on him, just to live. The fire was so hot now. She could see the strange green flames of it.

She felt the tumble. Gravity was gone, descending into the madness of the suitcases falling.

But, she stopped and felt an incredible force holding her up. A familiar sort of force at one time she had been afraid of, but which now?

She fully embraced.

She was waiting for it. For his high pitched, low pitched, anxious and goofy voice.

“Catch of the day.”

She felt herself get launched into the air, and into his arms. He had his whole fishing outfit, complete with fishing pole. He saved her the same way he saved Astrid. In his unique, dumb, goofy-

She didn’t care anymore. How much time was left. How much danger there had been. How dangerous it even was around there to do it. Her instinct took over.

And she kissed him.

Not prepared for that, but definitely not unwelcome! It was a good thing he was fishing off a piece of construction and not floating, he probably would have lost his concentration after getting a kiss from the woman he’d wanted for so long.

She wasn’t breaking the kiss, and he sure as hell wouldn’t let her end it early anyway. He wrapped his arm around her tighter until she finally had to break to catch her breath.

Her face was flustered, probably from the heat of the inferno right below them, but he’d just take that as he was a damn good kisser for her. Her eyes were almost hazy. She was breathing hard. Once again, probably from lack of breathing easily in the environment, but he’d take that as his win too. She grabbed onto him tighter, this time for a hug.

He rocked her, trying to think of something nice to say. Nice. Something nice. He finally had her right where he wanted her, and he had to think of something . . . nice. “Fuck.” He couldn’t think of anything. “I’ve been waiting for that for over 30 years.”

That wasn’t nice. It wasn’t bad, but it probably wasn’t the right response. “That response sucked to the moment, but hey, at least I didn’t automatically say let’s fuck, I mean, that’s a lot of restraint for me.”

She didn’t seem upset by either response. She didn’t look like she was bothered by the kiss, and even kissed him again. A smaller one this time. “Thank you.”

“Thank you works,” he said. “Thank you’s like that work so much you didn’t even need to waste the word.” He felt her arms get looser, but still stayed wrapped around him. Loose but . . . playful.

“Neitherworld is all about words,” she reminded him with a smile. “I love you.”

Uh. She said it. Of course she said it, she just kissed me finally, why wouldn’t that be something she said?! “Cool.” No! “That’s good to hear. Been waiting to hear that. So, did your life in mortal danger trigger that? Nah, it’s been in mortal danger several times.” What action triggered it?

“My life in mortal danger helped me get the words out,” she said, “but it’s been gradual since . . . I skated with you as a sixteen year old.”

Oh. “I wore you down.”

“Yes, you wore me down gradually,” she admitted.

“How much more do I have to wear you down to get more than a kiss? You know, for my records. I gotta stay on top of business.” Oh, that look. “If I was a filer, you’d have nothing but stubs for fingernails left.” Yep.

He was rewarded with another kiss. “Um? Can you explain why I’m in lost luggage?”

“Almost, I’m gonna need a little help from you.”

“What do you need from me?”

“I need you to sign that contract to marry Jerry the Jaywalker.”

What?

“Don’t worry, don’t worry,” he said to her. “You aren’t going to marry him, I am.”

What?!

“Look? I really, really need you to trust me,” he told her. “I know everything I’m about to say is going to absolutely sound scrambled, but, I actually work really well with screwed up conditions. If I play this right, Delores and Jerry are history, out of our lives forever, and I’ll even get Richard his body back. Hell, Wolf is even getting his first portfolio work to show off.” Please?

“I trust you,” she said. “I’m going to be mad if you don’t get this right though, and I end up with someone I’ve never even met.”

“I am getting this 100 percent right. Now. I just have to steal 12 million dollars from you.”

Author's Journal: We are nearing the end of this fanfiction.:) I am going to be working on this to the end now before I go back to Different Eternities or Beetlejuice's Bride. Time to wrap up Beetlejuice's third movie in my head.

Chapter Text

Lydia was playing her part. She had agreed to trust Beej. He had taken her and moved her back a little closer. Agreeing this was a good spot, he left, and she called for Sam. Sam appeared and she said, “I’ll sign it.”

Sam brought out the contract. After she signed, he went somewhere else with her.

Back of the Waiting Room

It was a little odd. She was in the back of the secretaries of the waiting room it seemed?

“Stay here,” Sam said to her. “We’ll get your owner to come and claim you. He’ll have to get a correct name fix too.”

So far, things were just like Beetlejuice said they would be. I have to trust him. If it worked, the price was freedom. Absolute freedom again. If it didn’t. Nope, I can’t go there. It was hard to trust him with so much, but so far, she had trusted him with her very life everyday. Might as well trust him with her funds, and her entire future.

She watched as Richard came toward her. This must be the person. “You aren’t Richard.”

“Oh, but doesn’t it make it easier?” He moved closer to her. “You must be the woman of Beetlejuice’s dreams. Good, he owes me. Don’t worry, you’ll have a good death here,” he assured her. “First, I need you to also sign these, or I won’t sign anything for you and you’ll go back to the pit.”

Lydia looked at the contracts. Who does this guy think he is?! He made Beetlejuice’s contracts look like charity.

“Sign or you are gone,” he insisted.

Disgusting contract. Beej. You’ve gotta be kidding me, I can’t sign this. It literally was putting her into slavery with this ghost. A ghost that clearly stole from Richard. I have to trust him. You’ve trusted him with everything, he even saved you from that incinerator. She had to trust him.

“Good.” He took the papers. “Okay, now we just need to-?” He looked odd. “Hang on, I’ll be back.”

There was a small amount of freakout as that guy just dropped his skin of Richard like it was a suit. Ew!

Astrid’s Home

“Okay, Babe, one more try,” Beetlejuice said as he approached the doll of Lydia, Jerry in disguise. “If after this, you are still like ‘I want to marry Richard’, then I guess I never knew you.”

“You never did know me,” the fake Lydia said to him.

“We’ll see. Okay, so? I gave you a break on these contracts you signed with me, because you promised eternal marriage really convincingly.” Beetlejuice showed him the contracts. “If you don’t change your mind? Well, I’ll tell you straight. I stole twelve million dollars from you.”

Oh yeah, there was a look of surprise. “Twelve millions dollars? I . . . I forgot I had that much.”

“Oh yeah, just in basic accounts, it doesn’t even tally into your actual properties or estates,” he buttered him up more. He brought out the account information. “You turned on me twice, for each marriage. I wasn’t going to let this happen again. I moved it all out to new places,” he insisted. “You are penniless. If you want it back, you have to marry me.”

“That is against the law!” Jerry said, losing the acting of being Lydia.

“No, it isn’t. Remember our deals?” Beetlejuice brought out the first contract, explained about the ‘in cash payment’ weekly, and then the contract that had created the ‘learning experience’ dates. “We haven’t had one of these in months, so this broke. That leaves the first contract in play. You broke this, so I automatically get you without anything.” He juiced the contracts away. “I am giving you a choice. You can either marry me and I’ll give your information back or . . . I’ll let you off the hook, in exchange for your entire savings.”

He juiced up a new contract toward the fake Lydia. “Do you love Richard enough to forsake it all?”

“You have 12 million dollars,” the fake Lydia muttered like he couldn’t believe it. “Damn. I mean? Did you really leave me nothing of my own money?”

“If you go to Richard, then you can live on fucking love for all I care,” Beetlejuice muttered to him. Got him. He knew Jerry. He knew what Jerry wanted, and that kind of money, would replace it all and more. The compensation was too hard to let down.

“I guess?” The doll pushed it’s hair back. “I mean, I’d rather have Richard, but I’m not dead yet, and I have to take care of my daughter.”

“Babe!” He hugged Jerry, instantly feeling the doll freeze. “I knew it, I knew you wouldn’t abandon me.” He let go. “I’m gonna get it all ready, we are getting married right away.”

“Oh, I have something to do first,” she insisted.

Yeah, uh huh, marry my real Babe, fuck that. “No way, you don’t move!” he commanded angrily. “I love you will all my heart but I can’t trust you farther than I can throw you.”

He brought out the contract. It was big, with a lot of fancy flail that didn’t need to be there. “Sign.”

“For the money?” Jerry took it and started to read-”

“No, no, no, just sign now!” Beetlejuice insisted. “We aren’t going through all the fine details, you escaped me twice, it’s going to take years to go through with a fine comb!” He held up the book of details again, and opened up one page to show her. “It’s legit. You want it, you sign.”

There was an audible ‘damn’ under the breath but he eventually signed it.

Beetlejuice made Delia appear. “Follow her closely around the house. If she leaves, come get me right away. If you don’t, all the marriage work would be for nothing.” He whined a little. “She still doesn’t trust me, she wanted to go marry Richard eternally instead. She might have some kind of curse on her, we really need to get married to get it off her.”

“I promise, I won’t let her out of my sight,” Delia said to him. “I’ll take her around to see the marriage stuff.”

Lydia didn’t look happy with that, but had no choice but to accept.

“Great, I won’t be long, Sweetie,” Beetlejuice said to the fake Lydia. “I just have to do a few things first, okay?”

Back of the Waiting Room . . .

Lydia recognized him quickly and got up. “Beej! Those contracts I had to sign were-”

“Nothing like I made him sign,” he said. “Even if, although it could never happen, he did get you? I’ve got him wrapped up so tight he’d never actually see you again.” Everything. Every stitch. “You are more protected than a baby porcupine on the steps of PETA.” But she didn’t have to worry. He only came to make sure she felt that.

He imagined the contracts she had to sign weren’t pretty. “You didn’t sign anything book size, right?”

“No,” she told him. “One was about three pages long. I had some time to skim, but not a lot.”

“Good, it won’t matter soon anyhow.” He picked up his comb and started to comb his hair. “I’ve got the last step.”

“What about that?” She pointed to Richard’s basic ectoplasmic suit.

“It’ll ruin things if I take it, trust me, things need to play out in a certain way,” he promised her. “I’ve just got one stop. This is the last one.” To make her feel even more positive about that, he went ahead and juiced her some extra traveling companions.

“Oh, these are Lycosidae.” She picked them up off her lap and started to look at them.

Yep, those wolf spiders on her would definitely keep her mind off things, long enough for him to do the most important thing.

Astrid’s Home

“Delores!” He ran to see her right away. “Great news! Not for you, but for me. Lydia changed her mind, she’s totally into marrying me again.”

“What?” Of course she was shocked, she knew Jerry was in Lydia’s body.

“Yep. I’m going to marry the love of my afterlife right now before she changes her mind again,” he insisted. “I need to go see someone, I’ll be right back.”

What?! Delores watched as ‘Lydia’ appeared in front of her. “What are you doing?”

“He has all of her money,” Jerry as Lydia told her. “When we get married, he hands over those details to me. I’ll be twelve million dollars richer. I don’t know the exact conversion but that is a lot of money. Now.” He pulled out some lipstick and started to do his lips. “I just have to get through this ceremony to get the details to her accounts, and then I’ll leave him sad and penniless. Then you can snatch him up.”

“Greedy,” she disagreed. “You should stick with the plan. I marry Betelgeuse and you marry Lydia.”

“I’ll still marry Lydia, but I have to pretend to be her first,” he insisted. “After I get the money, I will fetch the real Lydia. I know exactly where she’s at, and she’ll be married to me soon after.”

“Where did you slink off to Lydia? I need to talk to you more!”

“Annoying bitch Delia,” the fake Lydia said. “I barely got away from her sight, she is pressed for this marriage.”

Delores rolled her eyes. The plan was already perfect. “I don’t like it.”

“I like it, I’m twelve million dollars richer this way,” he said. “That is worth one fake ceremony. After I leave with the details, he’ll need comforted and you can marry him.”

“You seem to be forgetting something important,” Delores told him. “That bitch is alive, she doesn’t have magic to just poof away from his sight. You do that, and he’ll discover the truth. He will not be happy with you, and he will find the real one, instead of staying to marry me.”

“Right, right.” Jerry seemed to have forgotten that. “But I gave the excuse that the guy she wants to marry is Richard.” He snapped his fingers. “I’ll go get Richard’s body and . . .”

Yes, he seemed to see the problem. He couldn’t pretend to be Lydia and be Richard. He could manage a little one with his magic, but only for a short time. He wouldn’t be able to take full possession of a doll and Richard for very long.

“Richard probably hasn’t mastered my magic that well yet,” Jerry said. “If I spring him out for this, and tell him that I am keeping the demon from marrying his ex-wife, then afterward I can get Richard here, he’ll see me, and I can use my magic against Beetlejuice.”

“You would have already married Betelgeuse.”

“No, no, he’s an idiot, super deep in love. When it comes to the vows, I should be able to make him give up the details, and then stop the ceremony. Richard will then appear there and-”

“I better not hear the word Richard again!” Delia shouted into the room, having found the fake Lydia. “You are going to marry the love of your death, life, afterlife, whatever you want to call it,” she demanded. “I worked soo hard on all of this, for months,” she complained. She looked toward Delores and jumped. “Oh, her thing is off her mouth. Honey, get away from her.”

Jerry had no choice but to comply.

Ugh. This was so over the top. So convoluted. Something her ex-husband would come up with instead. “This is ridiculous.” She didn’t get much choice though, and the end of the speaking was over as Jeremy came back in, setting up the metal and her rivets on the mouth again even stronger.

"You need to stop visiting," Jeremy complained. "She really hates you, it keeps destroying the seal on her mouth."

“How could you run off like that?” Delia scolded Jerry.

“I was going to go to the bathroom, but I felt a detour was necessary,” the fake Lydia lied. “I still have to go to the bathroom.”

“Fine,” Delia groaned. “Just hurry it up. I’ll be right outside the door.”

Neitherworld Jail

Richard watched as the ghost that took his body came toward him in his cell. “You!”

“Yep, I have tried to stop Beetlejuice, as promised,” he said to Richard, having made a quickstop to pick up the suit again. He couldn't leave it alone for long, his soul would be in trouble without it's protection. Lydia had been still there, just waiting for him. Everything was still going to plan. “He is about to marry Lydia though.”

“What can I do?”

“De mundo vivorum audeo in iterum . . .”

After the incantation, Richard was super pleased to have his old dead body back. At least that would make him feel more secure not to mess things up. “Now, when I send you there, go to your woman. We’ll make sure this demon can’t force any more marriage against her. He’ll think you are too strong to fight. I’m stronger than he is,” the ghost said to him.

“I’m ready to help Lydia however I can,” Richard said, easily falling into the trap.

Newbies were just so stupid.

Astrid’s Home

Beetlejuice watched Wolf stroking his chin. This whole plan really did hinge on him. He knew Jerry couldn’t resist that money, that he’d break his heart and then go to Richard, so that Delores would be happy.

There’s no way anyone would want to leave Delores unhappy. It was a lot to ask for though, what he wanted from Wolf, so he had to add some more persuasion. “You know, as a secondary character role, you could get picked to act with John Wayne himself. You could dance in the background of Fred Astaire. You could be the butt of jokes for Robin Williams.”

“I know,” Wolf said slowly.

“It would prevent any more exorcisms,” he pointed out. “At least from her.”

“Yeah. Yeah.” His voice was choppy. “Yeah.”

“A short five years,” Beetlejuice promised. “All your dreams could come true. Hell, being at B means one day you might take yourself to an A. It’s an option with B, not with C.”

“I know very well that it is an option with B.” Wolf still didn’t look pleased.

“It’d be a hell of a portfolio piece?”

“Sure, there is just one problem. One big old gigantic problem, Mister Juice!” Wolf let him have it. “This loophole only works as long as I am a cop. I will have double careers.”

“Yeah, but you can relax more. Two jobs means you won’t be a leader of the Afterlife Crimes Unit,” he pointed out. “Just a dopey cop that gets called out once in awhile. That’s it.” Damn. “There’s more things you can try later, it doesn’t have to stay this way. I know it’s a lot to ask for.”

“It is an extreme amount to ask for,” Wolf told him.

“It saves people, and-”

“-and you don’t have to worry about Delores sucking out your soul. She hasn’t done anything else since Richard paired her to not suck any soul besides yours.” Wolf wouldn’t forget those little facts.

“Okay.” Beetlejuice raised his hands. Different tactic. “It’s okay. Not everybody’s made for true show business. It really was tough to even get you a C.” He shrugged. “I’ll take some of the money and hire out an actual actor.”

“I am an actual actor!” Oh, that made Wolf mad.

“Dude. It’s okay. Not everybody is cut out for acting,” Beetlejuice told him. “Hey, I’ve got 12 million. I’ll find a decent actor.”

“I am more than a decent actor!” He shouted again. “I could do the acting part, I just don’t want the last part, and an actor alone will never give you the last part. It makes them worthless.”

“Sure, sure.” Beetlejuice nodded toward him. Real skeptical, yet with the hint of trying to be sincere. “Good luck in the commercials. I think Hank Fraudmann might be able to squeeze me in.”

“Oh no, no, I hate that guy! He was always trying to get into the roles I wanted too. He stole ‘Lights Out’ from me, I should have been the lead for that series. I love Frank Hardballer, but I also deserved that role too.”

Oh, he was getting good and grumpy. “Yeah, well. Maybe he’d like a B license instead? Didn’t he join the force with you? Thought I saw him one time as one of your men, making him perfect. Could you put in a good word for me? He’ll be able to get the last part too, no problem.”

“Fine!” Wolf agreed. “Fine, I’ll do it.”

“You aren’t going to regret this!” Beetlejuice said with a gigantic smile on his face.

“Don’t tell me that, I already-”

He left before Wolf could say anything else to change the deal.

Chapter Text

“I hate this so much,” Delia complained. “Do you have any idea how much time and effort and passion went into creating the perfect wedding?” Bitter was an understatement. “It’ll be ready in three days.”

“We are getting married first,” Beetlejuice stated. “Calm down, I gotta bag Babe before she changes her mind again.” He fixed the bowtie on his tux as he looked at Lydia in her red dress.

“It’s repulsive. You are using the means of one wedding, for a second wedding too. Why would you reuse anything? It’s so tacky,” Delia disagreed. “It should be from an all-new wedding.”

Jerry still as the doll of Lydia knew he would have to say something to the stepmother. “We aren’t using anything from the eternity wedding. I can change the outfit and he can change his outfit,” Lydia insisted.

“This is part of the location. It just feels tainted, and just too fast for what I did,” she insisted. “Your father isn’t even here right now to witness this.” She looked around. “Where’d Charles go?”

“It’s fine,” Astrid told her. “Mom already married Deetle before, this is more like a correction than anything new,” she insisted.

“We aren’t even taking time to get into new dresses or evening wear?” Delia complained. “This is terrible.”

“It’ll be fine,” Lydia insisted. “Let’s start.”

“Okay.” Beetlejuice was super giddy. “Hold my hand.” He nodded toward the reverend as he started to say the lines.

The wedding went smoothly, until the vows.

“Okay. At this point, you know I wouldn’t just walk away,” Lydia said to him. “I don’t completely trust you that you’ll just give me my fortune back. I promise, obviously, that we’ll continue. It’s almost done, and it’s not like I have magic to stop it anyway? Could you please give my stuff back?”

“Huh? Oh, the twelve million.” He felt around his pockets. “That’s kind of odd to put in for the vows part, Sweetie. A little tacky.”

“Like using part of the eternity wedding,” Delia added.

“It’s just an ask, it’s not my vows,” she insisted. “I’ll make them unforgettable for you.” She watched as he relinquished the notes. Jerry as Lydia looked over them. They seemed like real account numbers and banks. Yep. “Thank you.”

Jerry brought Richard there without a single motion, so it looked like Richard used his own magic to get there and interrupt.

Richard immediately grabbed Lydia, not understanding he wasn’t Lydia, which Jerry wanted.

Beetlejuice was definitely angry. “You weren’t invited, snake in the grass! Get out!”

“Richard, what are you doing here?” Jerry as Lydia asked him. “Do you still want to marry me?”

“Still?! No, you are marrying me!” Beetlejuice demanded.

Lydia looked at her account details. “I don’t need to technically. I mean? You are a messy slob that’s so foul I don’t know how I put up with you.” She started to move toward Richard, when Beetlejuice grabbed her hand. “Let go, you’re hurting me!”

He didn’t let go.

To the Basement

Jerry got confused. What was he doing in front of Jeremy and Delores? He wanted to ask, but his mouth was covered with duct tape. Lydia wouldn’t be able to pull that off since she didn’t have magic. He could get Richard, but that might look suspicious. They were still in the house, Richard would probably find them pretty quick.

“I can’t take it anymore.” Beetlejuice pointed to Lydia and juiced off Delores’ bindings around her, and on her mouth. “All she does is hurt me, I can’t take it anymore!” He moved Jerry front and center. “Go ahead, exorcise her, and I’ll marry you. Take her out of existence right now, and I’ll never think of her again,” he declared.

Delores stared at Jerry as Lydia. She of course knew, so Jerry wasn’t too scared.

“I’m not allowed,” she told him, “or I would for you, Love.”

“Honey, you know me. I’ll fill out all the paperwork to keep you out of hell,” he promised. “Just send this bitch away, because I can’t take it. Even after I saved her from the incinerator in Lost Luggage from Jerry the Jaywalker,” Beetlejuice added oddly? He patted him again. “My one and only Lydia, I just can’t anymore. Exorcise the bitch.”

No, no, no! Jerry knew exactly what was happening now, but before he could start to use his magic, he felt the pull. He had one shot, once the ducktape fell off, “It’s a-a-a-a-!” He just couldn’t do anything but scream with his soul being sucked away.

Beetlejuice just watched the doll fall to the floor. “So that’s what exorcising a live human looks like. A shame she’s still around.” He kicked it and readied himself and Delores in beautiful outfits. “Can’t deny fate.”

“No.” How wonderful! She didn’t know how he almost ended up with the real Lydia, but it didn’t matter. His broken heart was now hers. He even placed her in such a beautiful wedding dress. All black. So beautiful.

Beetlejuice went back to the original reverend. “Bride changed,” he said sadly to him. “Continue.”

“Bride changed?” Astrid said toward them. “What do you mean bride changed?”

“Bride changed, things change!” He said to her roughly. “Come on!” he demanded to the reverend.

“No way, you aren’t just going to-”

Delores watched as her almost husband again froze almost all the witnesses. Things were not going to get in the way for them.

Delores held her arm linked with his. Immortality was not far now.

Back of Waiting Room.

“Sam, I’m a little confused about this part?” Lydia asked as she was filling out papers to be released as luggage. “I don’t remember what age I first had a dog?”

“Just kind of fudge through it,” Sam answered her, “hardly anyone checks the answers.” He looked over toward the front only a split second, as he noticed the lost luggage was now gone?

Winter River

Lydia looked around herself. “Where am I?” Wait. “This is Winter River.” She was in the old home again. To the side was Beetlejuice, her father, and a reverend.

She looked at her outfit. Oh, one of her favorites. “The red cobwebbing.” She took Beetlejuice’s offered hand.

“Sorry I can’t have everyone here,” he said to her. “It is just fixing the first one, and I’ll answer questions later for you. We’ll have the big old to do of the eternity marriage still for everyone else to see.” He gestured toward her dad. “Did manage to snag him pretty easily though. Needed a witness and he’d be willing.”

“You look very pretty, Sweetie,” her decapitated father spurted out.

“Thank you.” She felt a lot better this time around too. It wasn’t something they were rushing to do to save their life. Beetlejuice didn’t seem to be in any kind of rush during the ceremony.

It was beautiful yet weird. Only half of what was made into an aisle was decorated, while the other half seemed to just be the house. Delia must have set up the other half somewhere else.

Half gorgeous was still gorgeous. Delia actually seemed to know what to pick too for her. Maybe Beetlejuice had put in some say, or Delia just knew the Neitherworld aesthetic. There was black in several places but definite neon highlights of blue and green.

When it came to the line of the rings, she looked at her finger. It was always there, but it seemed to sparkle and vibrate just slightly. She knew what that had been. Just a touch of affection from him. He showed off the one he still had.

“Half, full, or not married at all. Still always felt connected,” he promised her. “Always will.”

She tightened her grip on his hand. “I do too.” No matter how strange things were being alive with a dead husband, she’d learn it for him.

It was simple. Not very long. A lovely personal ceremony though, with a nice kiss at the end. The best part was when she felt the ringing in her ears. “The connection is back.”

“The physical traits of it,” he agreed after the kiss. “Love that feeling.” He danced with her just a little while before she knew she needed to ask.

“So what about that contract and your ex-wife?” she asked.

He just chuckled. “Wanna find out?”

Astrid’s Home

Delores waited. She was still at the altar after the ceremony. She had kissed Betelgeuse. She had felt different, but this didn’t feel right. She should feel something before sucking his soul, they were after all joined again. “Marriage feels different.”

“Yeah, it’s different for everyone,” he told her. “Kind of new at this one, but hey, a new adventure might be fun?”

New? Delores watched as he unfroze the party of interlopers that were arguing during their beautiful wedding.

“What did you do that for?!” Astrid ran toward him. “How could you do that? For her?”

“Now, now, calm down,” Betelgeuse said. “Sometimes mommies and daddies just can’t get it to work out. Be nice to your stepmom.”

“Where is mom?!” Astrid demanded.

Gone. Far away and long gone, never to be a thorn in her side.

“Look, just be nice to your stepmom,” Betelgeuse assured her again. “Delores is gonna be a good mom to you. Aren’t you, Honey?”

A good mother to her? She would suck her soul away the first chance she got, nothing would remain of that woman. She would never raise the child of that bitch.

“Hey? Sweetie?” Betelgeuse said looking at her. “Don’t get second thoughts about trying to suck up our kid, you need to remember to keep it real.”

Delores wasn’t going to argue, but she wasn’t going to deal with her first. Instead, she started to suck toward Beetlejuice. Only . . . he wasn’t moving? Her sucking . . . felt very different.

She tried harder. Then, the bitch’s brat had called out a word she probably shouldn’t be.

“Mom?”

Delores noticed Lydia, back, in a gorgeous dress that only Betelgeuse’s juice could conjur up! She opened her mouth to try and suck her soul.

“Honey, Honey, we are married,” Betelgeuse said to her as he closed her mouth. “That’s not real becoming, just hanging out your mouth like that.”

What?! He wanted to take her out, and she took her out, but she didn’t? “What trickery is this?”

“Standard.”

Ooooh . . . that voice. That was Betelgeuse’s voice, and it didn’t come from the man she just married. She heard the voice, and looked at the man she just married. “You aren’t him?”

“Aren’t who?” he bullshitted. “Honey.” He spread out his arms toward her. “Come on, who else would be the Ghost with the Most, huh?”

“Me. Nice job, though.”

Delores saw him, right next to Lydia. “You tricked me.” She looked at the man she married. “Who are you?” She watched a fake doll of Betelgeuse fall to the ground, and watched someone else come forward to her. Oh no!

He adjusted his collar. “Currently Wolf Jackson, the leader of the Afterlife Crimes Unit, but I also go by, and will go by in the future?” He spread out his arms and legs and shook his fingers. “Frank Hardballer, a hard-boiled detective that miserably gets through it all by doing the right thing in the cases around him.”

“Today you were definitely Frank,” Beetlejuice said to him. “Delores?” That annoying ghost had the nerve to put his hands behind his back and rock on his heels. “Hope you like your new husband, he’s a good guy.”

“He’s an actor.” She was stunned. “But. But. How?”

Lydia held Beetlejuice’s hand. She didn’t know anything either, so it would be good to hear what had happened.

“Because I am a damn good actor,” Wolf said proudly. “I do get lost in my character though, especially about trading misery to do the right thing.” He held out his arm. “Looks like we’ll have to get to know each other. You won’t be getting arrested because of your position as my wife now in the Neitherworld. At the same time?”

“You are now bound toward his powers, which are different than the standard,” Beetlejuice said to her. “Yep. You suck Delores, but only as a person.”

“You are going to pay for this!” She yelled at Beetlejuice.

“Now, now? Worrying about pay is what tore everything apart in the first place,” Beetlejuice sneered at her. “Enjoy your new life. Don’t come near my family or you are going to have a real bad time with me.”

“What can I do?” Delores asked. She turned to look at her new husband.

“Well, when you get married in the Neitherworld, you get part of your husband’s powers. It overturned that whole thing with Richard,” Wolf told her. “I actually get a decent amount of power in my position, but I can only use it when I’m on duty. You aren’t on the force, so you won’t get any. However, being the wife of the police usually leaves you open to more harm, so you do have some incredible defense protection. You can wrap yourself into a ball that even a thermonuclear weapon can’t break until I can retrieve you.”

Lydia tried not to smile too wide. This woman wouldn’t be able to mess with anyone anymore. The most she could do is put herself into a ball.

“Okay, great that got cleared up,” Delia complained to her, “but we are still having a real eternity marriage, with all of the guests, and all of the work I needed to provide.”

Right. “Yes, we will.” She looked toward Astrid who came over toward her and gave her a small hug.

“You look pretty, mom. You also feel sticky,” she noticed. “What is this?”

The most fantastic dress ever. Lydia looked toward Beetlejuice. “What about the person who stole me away?”

“Oh. Wolf?” Beetlejuice gestured toward him.

“Used a little bit of truth, to get, at the time, the future Mrs. Jackson to give him a little suck,” Wolf answered her. He tried to smile at her. “That’s a new word to learn. Gonna have to answer to all those previous reports.”

Poor Wolf. “You really had to marry her?” Lydia asked.

“It was for a B license,” Beetlejuice answered her. “He barely would’ve said no to murdering his own family member for that.”

“I will keep her safe, that’s the deal,” Wolf told her. “Maybe I can even reacclimate her to not being evil? I’ve seen a lot in my days.”

“I don’t know,” Beetlejuice said, “she’s pretty fucking evil. Evil doesn’t change.”

“I don’t know,” Wolf shrugged. “I did see a ghost that didn’t get any shot at redemption and went down a path of murder and killing one day become a better person when he found the love of family.”

Lydia looked toward Beetlejuice. He looked like it all just went right over his head.

“Who the fuck is that?” he asked.

“You,” Astrid said to him. “That’s you, Deetle.”

“Me?” Beetlejuice still looked confused. “Oh. I’d give my life for my family.” He grabbed Astrid and Lydia closer to give them a hug. “But that’s it, just them, fuck everyone else. I haven’t changed in any other way, like hell I’m a better person. I’m a better business man if anything, with the stunts I’ve pulled, I can twist this into working really well for my business.”

“Beej.” He should hold back more.

“I mean shit being an actual bodyguard made a lucrative amount of money, I’ll guard Mother Theresa or Medusa if it made me that again.”

“Beetlejuice!” Now he better start paying attention and shut up. “Step lightly. You just made Wolf marry someone. Give him some silver lining?”

“I mean?” He was finally getting the hint. “I’m sure having the love of a family genuinely changed me in some way to be a better person? Like?” He still looked like he was speaking a foreign language. “Like? Aw, fuck it.” He juiced up some silver lining and gave it to him. “Silver is really becoming these days, you can arch it around the doors and maybe walls.”

“He has grown at least some, in the right direction, Wolf,” Lydia said to him. “I know you see it. I see it.”

“I see it,” Astrid added. “Just because he doesn’t see it, doesn’t make him bad. Just, more stupid.”

That wasn’t nice either, Astrid. “He’ll be okay now.”

“Hell yes I will,” Beetlejuice said having taken the account details. “I married someone who has twelve million dollars, I won’t have to do anything too illegal for some time. Even when you die, Babe, I’ll make sure I’ll keep a hold of everything. In this case, you can take it with you, I’ll convert it while you are on your death bed. Not that that’s happening soon,” he said quickly. “Sorry, not implying that. Don’t need to imply that. You are stunning and alive and that’s alright with me.”

Oh, he remembered the way the last wedding went. When she was scared he’d just bump her off. “That’s always nice to hear.”

“I want out!” Delores was starting to throw a fit. Probably not happy about the whole dialogue, and getting her out would be a better idea.

“Yeah. Um? I guess I should take her home after I take her back to the station,” Wolf said. “Ooh, can I have a copy of the portfolio footage as well?”

Beetlejuice handed over a small disk. “I’m sure come five years, you’ll be getting some killer roles. It’s not easy to be me, and you nailed it enough. At least, for the moment.”

“Thanks again, Wolf.” Still, Lydia felt bad. Wolf was really stuck.

“It’s okay,” he said, trying to brighten her attitude. “I’ll give it the good old fashioned try at a marriage, and if she is unredeemable-”

“She murdered her husband in cold blood-”

“-then maybe I can find another cop who’ll deal with her,” he said. “We’ll just have to see. First stop though, the station. Gotta get her legally protected.” He tried to smile at her. “Hey, at least you aren’t going to hell? It’s a bonus in marrying into the Afterlife Crimes Unit.”

She didn’t answer, just sneered.

“Well, good luck with that.” Beetlejuice shook his hand. “We’ll be right here with Jeremy and Astrid. Our whole eternity marriage is in about three days still.” He snapped his fingers. “Shoot, I better fetch Chuck, and pay the reverend.” He just smirked at Lydia. “Don’t want to forget that again.”

Author's Journal: Next chapter is probably the last one. It might be two if it's too long. I really enjoyed writing this story, but I am glad I have two (eventually three) more stories for Beetlejuice because it really is a bit of fun with uncertainty. 2024 has been a rough spot. I dodged a really big hurdle, but I still got sideswiped with something else that will head with me into 2025. And having a great story to write is a way to really help when things aren't the best.

I really couldn't be more proud of this story though. I thought it would be great if it reached fifth place in statistics, but it actually ended up in the top third spot for statistics in each category for hits, kudos and comment threads. It was so fun, and I hope one day we get a third Beetlejuice (or they give us some more cartoons!) so I can play with new information. Until then, I have a third movie to watch in my head from now on. :)

I will see you in the finale! 

Chapter Text

There was something pretty magical with the scene in front of her. A little insane. It seemed Delia didn’t go all out with a ton of guests Lydia didn’t know.

Part of Astrid’s home had opened up straight into the Winter Forest’s home. From left to right, there was a select number of guests. Otho (her mother’s old home decorator who passed away previously, probably helped with decoration ideas.) Delia, her father, Astrid, Jeremy (annoyingly next to Astrid), Jane and Little Jane (the real estate family), Maxxine and his wife (of course Delia invited them), and on the border Wolf and his new . . . wife.

Delores was strapped quietly in the chair until the ceremony was over. It didn’t stop Beetlejuice from teasing her slightly, which Lydia curtailed. Getting through the ceremony should be more important than gloating over winning.

All in all, not a big wedding. Just like she really wanted. The decorated left side were opposite colors. While black and some neon green and blue were mainly on Winter Forest’s side, the other was mainly neon green and blue with traces of black.

Delia came over and handed her a bouquet. It was black roses with vein-like traces of neon green and blue too. “You look so pretty. Ah!” She said not being able to help her excitement slightly. “We did such a good job on this event! It was soo hard at first, but I eventually found Otho,” Delia complimented her old decorator. “You know that no one is better than Otho at interior design.”

“Yes, you just needed to take all of the interior design education from the living world, and the most trending in fashion from the Neitherworld, and it wrote itself,” he answered. “With you of all people as the bride, we weren’t talking any traditional white, marrying a ghost or not. I had to scrap Delia’s whole concepts.”

“Something I never would have allowed for anyone but Otho,” Delia insisted.

“Otho.” It had been so long, Lydia almost felt ashamed she didn’t remember Otho had passed earlier than her father. “It’s all very beautiful, thanks. Both of you.”

“Ah, best thing of all is the thing right beside me,” Beetlejuice said to her as he held his arm out for her to take. “I’d make a joke but I really don’t want it to backfire. I’ve never been closer to getting out of hell’s way.”

Lydia wasn’t offended, she knew what he meant. For so long, he’d been sentenced to hell back before he ever deserved it. They were going to correct that today, and he didn’t want to jeopardize it. She linked her offered arm with his, and they went down the aisle.

The reverend was new, almost alive looking for the occassion. He did have some blood on the front spattered, but he had covered it up with a red scarf mainly. Since both pictures would be making the rounds in both worlds, the Neitherworld things needed to be explained away for photos.

The ceremony was similar to a standard ceremony, until the ending. There was a lot of ‘I do’s’ to make. There had also been signing documents with the world’s most gorgeous pen (Delia seemed to have the pens for signing even special for the wedding.)

She also had words she needed to recite verbatim, or questions she needed to answer. It was really quite thorough. Towards the end, they were finally able to share their vows to each other.

“I totally win, no one can beat me,” Beetlejuice said without any modesty. “The Maitlands can rot in their afterlife knowing I did in fact win. I could not have won harder. Not only did I marry you, but the term demon isn’t going to apply anymore, and I might even see them in the next afterlife,” he said.

Then, he straightened up and grabbed both her hands. “The day I met you, I hadn’t felt that alive since I was alive. I knew you were the one, even though you were playing a huge game of hide and go seek with that heart of yours. You put me through a real ringer too, Babe, two ceremonies getting botched, and one that only occured because we needed it to survive. But hey, look at us now. We got to have a much calmer ceremony three days ago, and now you are eternally with me from this day forward. Papers and all. Boy oh boy, you really screwed yourself over if you ever get tired of it all.”

Was it the best? No, but it was trying to be sweet for him, and the whole time he tried not to cuss for the wedding. Effort.

Her lines would be different. “Half the time I lived, I still didn’t live. I was . . . trapped in my own shadows, and I couldn’t get out.” That was a safer way to convey the drugs, the feelings, the psychological time with Rory, the show, and everything else. “I had to get myself so stuck that no one could have saved me, before I realized, I could get out of those shadows. It just took some interesting steps. It just took the right ghost to help me make those steps.”

Yeah. Big and bad was Beej when it came to his job, but when someone did actually reach his feels? Something that not many could do except her and Astrid for reasons she never understood.

He wiped his eyes with his tuxedo’s arm while he started to sniffle. “Not gonna cry, I am not gonna cry at this wedding.” He juiced up a handkerchief. “I definitely don't deserve you, I know someone messed up on the eternity paperwork wherever they are and I get to reap the consequences of it.” He hit his hand against his chest where his heart would be. “It's a great mistake, gotta love when that happens.” He grabbed her and held her close, taking a kiss with her.

She held him back, kissing him as well. Then? The strangest line was uttered from Delores. One she didn’t really understand at all.

“If this is a real wedding, then why isn’t your baby here?!”

Baby?

“Baby?” Wolf asked out loud. “What baby?”

Fuckin’ Delores! Are you kidding me?! “Nothing,” Beetlejuice said quickly.

“Mister Juice?” Wolf came nearer to him. “What is Delores talking about?”

“Nothing, seal that mouth of hers,” he told him.

“Baby Geuse?” Lydia asked innocently. “Are you asking about that, Wolf?”

Fuck! Everything was so perfect. Why did she have to do that?

“Yeah, what is this Baby Geuse?” Wolf asked. He looked at Beetlejuice. “Why are you anxious about it?”

Crap. “It’s not against the law,” Beetlejuice told him. “It’s not, we were married, so let’s drop it?” Nooo. That wasn’t a good look from Lydia at all. All the warmth and cuddly feelings were starting to leave. Fuck!

“Why does a baby he juiced up cause this much strife?” Lydia asked. “Beej?”

“Hmm?”

“Beetlejuice.” She called him by his name, definitely suspicious.

“What? He works really well in protection for you, doesn’t he?” he pointed out.

Yeah, that excuse wasn’t working. “You made it when I was still marrying Rory, it wasn’t for protection. It was a stunt.”

“Stunt?” Wolf was pulling it together faster than anyone else.

“Oh, Deetle.” Astrid didn’t look good, she probably figured it out.

Oh, come on. It was just . . . “You didn’t even call my name,” he said softly to her. “We weren’t quite on the right terms yet?”

Wolf gave him a ‘come here’ kind of finger. Shit. Beetlejuice went toward him.

“Mister Juice? How long has this juice lasted?” Wolf asked. “It sounds like, if she’s telling the truth, it’s been over six months. How did it come into being?”

“My stomach got real huge and then it just bursted out,” Lydia told him. “The baby only shows up now when I’m in trouble.”

Fuuuuuuck. Yes, Wolf pulled him away further.

“Mister Juice?” Wolf asked him. “Is this just juice?”

Damn, damn, damn. “It’s legal.”

“That isn’t what I asked,” Wolf said to him. “Is there a missing second child that just got the last name Juice?”

Ugh. “Sort of, no, yes?” Damn. “I don’t know. She doesn’t mind it. It’s not always around.” Yeah, Wolf was practically hugging slash pulling him. Ugh. “I was really in a weird way of thinking. If you tell her, the wedding’s over. Please Wolf?”

Wolf just faked him out with a nod. “Mmhm, no.”

Damn. Wolf gestured for Lydia to come over too. Yeah, she was coming. So close, he was so close.

“Now, before we can really continue this marriage, honesty is the policy,” Wolf said to her. “Do you know what that baby that shows up is?”

Lydia looked so clueless. “It’s not real. He’s dead, and we never . . .” She shook her hands in a definite foul position. “There was nothing like that at the time.”

“Yeah, I know he’s dead,” Wolf said to her.

“Then it can’t be . . . real?” Lydia said. “It couldn’t be real. It just. It’s not, I don’t take care of it?”

Damn. “Wolf.”

“Deetle.” Astrid was at least still calling him with a nickname. “Don’t worry so much. Just tell her.”

Astrid thought it’d be okay? That was new.

“Go, go. Tell her,” Wolf also encouraged him.

Mmm. “We were all doing so well. Remember all the things I did for you? Did a lot.”

“What is that baby?” Lydia asked him straight out. “Did you . . . what, what did you do?”

Shit. His own actions were all to blame for this. At least they were still married, she’d have to deal with that, he wouldn’t let her get out until she calmed down and thought about it all. Just let her yell and get it over with. “I . . . wanted you to call me, and it was Rory,” he said. “And I had a little unhealthy tantrum with the whole inner child thing. It’s just juice,” he told her. “But. But i didn’t just snap and create it, I involved you too. Gave it more staying power. Then it seemed to have a use, so I just . . .” Oh come on. “What’s it matter, let’s just get past this?”

“Mom.” Astrid stepped forward. “It’s not as bad as you think, you are definitely feeling the guilt inside him, but I don’t think that’s it. I think he is just really, really juicing it.”

Oh, great. There really wasn’t any way out anymore. “It’s just. The gimmick when it came out of you. It was crawling around. It looked a lot like me. I ended up having the strangest dream about it too after you stopped the second wedding again,” he said. “I couldn’t get it out of my head. So I, um.”

It appeared in the air and dropped in his arms. He held it out to her. There was a little bit of a gasp from the crowd. “He’s always a real stunner in the looks department.”

“Juice doesn’t last this long,” Wolf explained to her. “Juiced things are technically there. If he juices up a flower, you can touch it and you can smell it. Same for food, all the nutrients of the real thing, yum yum. Juice doesn’t last though, and the bigger the object, the less it lasts.” He gestured to the little guy.

“I didn’t want to let it go,” he told her. “You bore it.” He looked back at it. “He looks kinda like me. We dream about him. I figured he might have a purpose, so I gave it more juice.” It started to swat at a fly near it. “Gave it more and more. Then it had a purpose and it would be good protection, so I kept giving it more juice. More juice. Maybe some more juice.” It whined as it wanted to get the fly. “I didn’t want it to not be real.”

Chapter Text

Lydia was hearing his words, while looking at the baby. She could tell he was scared to tell her about something, but Astrid seemed sure that he should. Wolf did too, but he didn’t look like it was the end of the world either.

She stared at Baby Geuse. He looked about the same as always, except his hair had grown a little. In fact, he might have actually grown a little . . . oh my goodness. “It’s . . . real?”

“As long as he keeps giving it juice,” Wolf said to her, “then it’s real. From the fact it’s gone on this long, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s been overjuiced and slipped into the next stage.”

Ohh. “Just a little,” he said softly.

“It’s real, for a little while?”

“I mean, I can . . .” He looked really sad. “I can still take away all the juice and end him. I could do the same trick later, but it’d never be the exact same. You don’t. You can’t juice up the same thing again, it’s always different. I mean. But it is juice. But it’s . . .”

“It’s not alive or dead,” Wolf said again, knowing he wasn’t speaking up much more. “It’s considered a Neitherworld’s Lost Love Child, LLC for short. When the dead want children, but obviously can’t have any, then they can focus their magic and create one and enjoy it for a little while. But when they really want one? They can conjure it, keep feeding it magic or juice, and eventually the Neitherworld will claim it as it’s property. Not temporary, but eternal. They are a lot easier to make than you want to know. They can even grow up into an adult and never know the truth. But?” He glanced at Beetlejuice.

“There’s no soul. It’s not me, it’s not you. It’s just juice. It’s the Neitherworld’s. Won’t ever leave the Neitherworld. It’s just a little hope or a little dream. Please don’t hate me for this, I was in a seriously weird spot when I made him. I mean, come on! Therapy session even.”

“You spilled out your guts . . . in more than one way.” Wow. “Is it a Neitherworld lost love child then?”

“It’s getting there,” he admitted. “Not yet. I could still take the juice back if I wanted to.” He definitely didn’t sound happy though.

“Born from juice,” Astrid said, “but not from a soul. He’s got a complicated back story, like my two dads.”

Then? “He only comes out when I’m in trouble?” Except. “He lingered inside of the coffin with me.” Oh. “Outside, when you remembered, he was hardly there.”

“Yeah, I just.” He tossed him up and he disappeared. He reappeared and fell back in his arms. He turned him around. “Put him away for safekeeping.”

“When you remembered him.” When he wore the taxi hat but didn’t remember the truth, the baby was almost always there. She watched it snatch a fly in mid-air.

“You are supposed to be married when this happens,” Wolf said to her. “Technically you were half married, but still?” He just sighed. “You should talk about it with her first before making A Neitherworld LLC, Beetlejuice. Neitherworld or not, they are responsibilities, and you shouldn’t be making them disappear on and off. That’s not how you raise them.”

“Well, I didn’t know if I was gonna be fully doing anything, it started as a joke and it just became useful and he’s just growing a little bit.” He held it out to Wolf. “He’s kind of cute.”

Lydia looked at Baby Geuse. Flies tended to swarm around him no matter what. He could get rid of him like a bad dream. There’s no soul lost. It just ceases to be like everything else in Beej’s magic. But? It kept me safe. It cares for me and Astrid. It’s almost something out of Beetlejuice’s control, an entity of the Neitherworld. Basically the Neitherworld’s baby.

He really should have told her about it. They could apparently make their own children in the Neitherworld. He was basically making one this whole time without telling her about it. Although, it wasn’t really hers, she still technically bore it. She was half married, and she did have some say.

Then again? He’s Deetlejuice to Astrid. He could never be dad because he wasn’t there with her. That feeling. Then having her there. Then the trick. He just wanted to be the dad that he could never be subconsciously. He really got involved in his juicing, pulling out therapy for himself. “He’s fine, but he needs a name.”

Beetlejuice whipped his head around very fast continuously. He took his hands and stopped it. “Sorry. That just happens sometimes, did you say he’s fine?”

“Yes.” She held out her arms to take the stinky little guy. Beetlejuice gave him over. “He practically exists already, we can’t just let him fade out of existence.”

“He can’t ever come with us to eternity,” he warned her. “This is his home. Unless? I mean I can get a human to give up it’s soul for him, it’s kind of tough, but with the right kind of stupid-”

“Then it’s his home for now,” Astrid interrupted as she came over to see him too. “He is going to get really picked on in school.”

“No, how could you even want that?!”

Delores’ voice tried to interrupt. Lydia just gave the baby to Astrid. “Can you hold your brother while we finish the wedding?” Whoah, she swore she heard a gunshot! She looked around anxiously.

“Beetlejuice just blew a fuse,” Wolf explained to her. “He thought you wouldn’t marry him because of the little guy. By the way, what are you going to name him? His last name is J-U-I-C-E now, but he’ll need a first name.”

“Uh?” Jane held up her hand. “It's . . . is it going to live with you?”

“He’ll be in and out of worlds,” Beej said. “There's no way he can fit in full time in the real world.”

“Oh.” Jane sat back down. “Sorry for the interruption.”

Lydia looked at Little Jane, technically Jane Jr. “Considering how he acts, why not just . . . Beetle and add Junior?” Lydia found herself getting spun around the floor by an excited Beetlejuice. Sounds like that name worked.

“Fine. We’ll get the deets official later.” Wolf adjusted his bowtie. “I-i-it’s showtime.”

Lydia found her and Beej back in front of the alter, with Astrid now holding Beetle Juice, Jr. In her chair. The ceremony continued just a short while more, it had almost been done.

Then the reverend said something that sounded like it ended the ceremony.

The applause really sealed that was what it had been. She eventually pulled away.

Something happened to him though, he seemed to get . . . bumpy but soft? She pulled at him lightly.

She felt him pull her close for another hug. The feeling of him was . . . “Did you become a plushie?”

“This moment was pure fluff, my juice just took over,” he admitted.

Oh. He really was such a romantic at odd times.

“I want to break into a massive ball pit and let you play around just naked in me.”

Uh? “Touch too far.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m really not into kinky.” He was going to have to learn that.

“But it’s not hard. Just get naked and just jump into a massive fluffy ball pitt,” he said to her. “Come on, not hard at all. Not yet. Getting there.”

“And any romance is gone now,” Astrid complained as she went toward them with Junior. “Back it down a few more steps, Deetle. I know you are excited, but don’t go crazy on mom.”

“He knows passion, not romance,” Delores said offhandedly again.

“Speaking of saving things for a honeymoon,” Wolf said as he came back over. “I need you to take off your shoes and put this on your faces.”

A face mask? Lydia took it and looked at it. It was just a sticky face mask. “What’s this for?”

Wolf also handed one to Astrid. “A little something to remember me by,” he said. “Copwise, I am nose diving in my position so I can start starring in commercials. This treat isn’t for everyone.”

“Wolf?” Beetlejuice seemed surprised. “You really pulled some heavy strings.”

“Hey, I need something to get me more demoted to start heading into my first gigs,” Wolf reminded him. “That’s gonna involve breaking the law, and I just don’t want to do that. Overstepping my authority in the name of justice is the better way to burn out. More fitting of Wolf Jackson. Go ahead, put them on.”

Odd? Lydia peeled the sticky backing off of it and tried to stick the face mask on. She didn’t know what the purpose of it had been, but she stuck it on. She watched Astrid do the same thing.

They were just white face masks stuck to their face. It felt goopy though, and she could have sworn she felt the stickiness drip down.

“Yank on your shirt in the front outward, like this,” Wolf said as he yanked his collar more outward. “Then do that with your back.”

Odd directions, but she and Astrid followed his instructions nonetheless. The strange sticky feeling started to disappear. She watched as Wolf started to take off Astrid’s mask.

“Over here, Honey.” Beetlejuice stopped being fluffy enough that he could help with taking off the mask. While he did that, he seemed to squeeze the mask before curling it up into a ball and tossing it away.

“What was that all for?” Astrid asked.

“Ah. Nothing live people can see,” Wolf said to her. “Don’t you worry about it because you’ve got yourself a real long life I bet. Make it a good one,” he winked at her.

“It’s, uh, just one more nice precaution to any bioexorcists thinking they should still go after you,” Beetlejuice told her. “These aren’t ever dished out at all, Wolf is definitely getting demoted.” Absolutely demoted, as soon as someone had seen what he had done.

Although Lydia and Astrid looked just like themselves to them, they were actually glowing now, with their faces the brightest of all. It was a bioluminescence that only worked on live people. Beetlejuice actually went ahead and juiced up a pair of sunglasses to wear, they would be extra bright for a good year at least before it dimmed down.

Anyone who’d been around at least a few years in the Neitherworld knew that the dead didn’t glow without reason. The Neitherworld had it’s own kind of glow to it, and no one messed with that either.

Anything or anyone who glowed was one of two things: Naturally occuring from the Neitherworld, or something not to be messed with because it was protected. Only the Neitherworld’s police had the authority to distribute it.

Everything from sticker paint to clothing that glowed, had to be authorized by the law enforcement. Even then only in certain amounts, and usually in certain places, like near the soul trains.

Unlike the dead that could only wear it in certain places, those two would shine like crazy everywhere since they were living. The stuff that the dead wore too, didn’t last a real long time. It was taken from it’s natural environment and would die off in a couple of weeks or so. Like cutting a flower from the living world and putting it in a vase. It wouldn’t stay blooming forever. The living however kept the glow going, a neverending party as long as they were living.

No amount of showers would remove it either, it was there to stay until they died. They both actually looked kind of funny. Really funny. The lines were drippy and wobbly all over them, like paint just accidentally spilled on top of them.

“Oh, it’s just so tacky,” Delia said coming over toward him. “Can’t you make it less tacky?”

It was needed, and it would be too late soon. She’s right though, they aren’t going to appreciate knowing how they look. Idiots. Clowns. People who fell in paint. Just because they couldn’t see, didn’t mean they wouldn’t feel embarrassed. “Got it.” He had to act fast, once it was set, it was set for good.

He straightened out the lines to be less drippy and wobbly, and more evenly distributed with a heavier thickness, like the stripes of his favorite tuxedo. Up and down in most places, with a left to right on the arms, just like him. “Hey, not bad.”

“Beetlejuice!” Wolf probably didn’t like him messing with it. “You are not supposed to mess with them!”

“What?” He juiced out of his wedding tuxedo and into his own striped tuxedo. He made sure Junior also had his matching outfit again. “I just nudged some molecules around, I didn’t do anything else. Look, we’ve got a real family vibe going on now.” Neither Lydia or Astrid seemed to understand the joke.

“Well, if it has to be done, it might as well be made to be less tacky,” Delia said as she came forward. “At least the lines are straight, and it compliments . . . everyone?” She looked longer at Junior than usual.

“What are you talking about?” Lydia asked, not understanding of course.

“They can’t see it,” Beetlejuice told Delia. “Don’t bug them about it.” Besides, it was set now, and it looked better. It was off the face too, they’d appreciate that if they ever found out about it. No doubt Delia would eventually bring it up. If they had to look like goofballs until the day they died to the dead, then that was the best way to do it.

Instead of splurgy paint, they had stylized stripes running down them.

“The baby’s outfit is sort of cute.” Delia said offhandedly, probably wanting to say something about it. She immediately left the topic again with, “What is it for though? Besides being glowy?”

“It’s considered a naturally protected organism,” Wolf told her. “It doesn’t matter how much they are worth, hurt one inch of that, and you can say goodbye to your future eternity.”

“Straight down with no stops,” Beetlejuice said for clarification. “They are serious about protecting the Neitherworld’s natural resources.”

“Well?” Delia tried to smile. “How come it’s?” She patted her clothes.

Yeah, the glow couldn’t be hidden, it went right throught their clothing. It’s the reason Wolf had them lift their collars outward. He wanted it to grace down the skin, so that it would bleed through the clothing. Yep, for the rest of their life, whatever they wore, would naturally have glowing stripes down it. “Just a thing,” he said not answering Delia’s question.

“They are safe, no matter how long the contracts run,” Wolf pointed out.

Beetlejuice watched Astrid walk off toward the boring real estate people, Jane and Little Jane.

Chapter Text

“I want to ask you something?” Astrid said to the older of the Janes.

Jane seemed perplexed. Probably still alarmed about the whole wedding thing. “I have seen a lot of different things today. I don’t know what I could possibly help with?”

“Jeremy,” she asked. “He murdered his parents.” She gestured toward him. “Do you know why?”

Ah. Still a big old question mark about why with Jeremy. If he didn’t just come out with it casually in any old ask, there was something to it. There could have been something wrong with his living brain that went nuts one day, or there might have been something wrong with the parents that he just had to risk it all for.

Jeremy wasn’t coming close for any congratulations. Probably didn’t want to remind him that he didn’t fulfill his end of the deal and either get rid of Delores, or hold her and make sure she went to hell. There was no hell for her anymore, she was stuck with Wolf.

Jeremy was either not studying a whole lot, or he studied too much the way he was acting. Considering Jeremy’s power against Delores, it was probably the second. Which meant Jeremy knew not to fuck with him, even if he was the lowest class of demon.

Good. Smart. Hmm. What to do. What to do. There was something pestering him about Jeremy’s situation. It seemed to be pestering Astrid too. If he murdered his parents, then why were they all getting along in the house? Clearly he murdered them, but his mom was still kind to him. His dad never bothered saying a word.

While he’d been out and around, he had tried to figure that one out too, especially since he was leaving Jeremy with Astrid. Those two ghosts, his parents, didn’t want to talk to him. His mother was nicely not talking about it, probably offended he sprung in on her, stealing a cookie and asking about their death.

If someone killed someone, there should definitely be bittnerness about the whole thing, especially if it hadn’t even been a hundred years. Yet Jeremy’s mom was delighted with her son, saying things like ‘don’t worry about it, have a cookie’, but not saying anything else.

He tried to check in with his dad, but that big buffalo really didn’t move from his spot. He called to him. Ragged on him. Said things about his wife that would have Lydia wanting to divorce him. All he did was turn around and give him a stare. There was a lot less ‘I am fine about the whole thing’ with him.

Whatever it had been. Jeremy’s mom had forgiven him, was talking to him, and even continually took care of the house and baked and cooked for him. While Jeremy’s father was continually powering an old abandoned home that Jane could never sell with his energy, to mainly watch TV.

Beetlejuice didn’t get any feeling he was doing it for his wife to cook or for there to be lights either. It was just about powering the TV. The TV was everything. This guy’s ghost would not move away, and he just got mad at the distraction of it.

Real mad at the distraction of it, but never made a sound. During the visit, Beetlejuice had caught his wife coming in with a tray of baked things, and left to do her own thing again. Not a single word to him. These two were married in life, and did not interact in death. They never joined forces to go visit the waiting room to get help to get Jeremy away from there. (Solid case, they should have been able to get that granted. That's what the likes of caseworkers were supposed to be for.)

That shit did not make sense. Afterlife usually didn’t just punish randomly, so why were they all sealed in the same house together under their situations?

Jeremy clearly killed them in a rage, but why wasn’t possible to figure out. Without a ghost’s permission, that shit would never be released. He did still have him as the bad guy in trying to take Astrid’s soul. That was unforgivable and definitely warranted a trip to hell. The marriage to her would have been annoying, if it hadn’t been such a perfect business transaction.

He went toward his Son-In-Law. “Hey.”

“I tried to do what you wanted,” Jeremy said quickly. “Delores can’t be sent to hell. I could still kill her, but your friend Wolf married her, I don’t know if that will help or hurt matters. Just tell me what you want me to do to stay out of hell.”

Eh. The fact that Astrid was trying to get details also said a lot about things. This guy was chaotic neutral, not chaotic bad or chaotic good. He was flat. Selfish. A lot like himself. “So I’m taking Astrid back to the living world now, but property has to stay occupied to keep it, so you are going to stay in that property,” he decided to settle on.

“So I’m not going to hell?”

“Not yet.” Maybe not at all, he was going to need to see more. Spy on him. Watch him. See if he ended up suffering the same fate as him when Astrid was removed. Would he be haunted with Astrid’s highest of highs and lowest of lows? Or was he just a sack of shit that would never care?

Yeah. More investigating. “If you find someone over here trying to take out Astrid, kill them.”

“Will do.” Yeah, he seemed happy. At least for now he wasn’t going to hell.

“That house can be lost though, if I do change my mind and want to send you away again,” Beetlejuice warned him. “No property is worth putting family at risk. Capisce?”

“Yes,” Jeremy agreed.

“I’m going to be staying every once in awhile too,” he told him. “With Junior. Astrid might come for visits. Your Grand-In-Laws, they are staying.”

“Whatever you think is best,” Jeremy said again, still doing everything he could to avoid hell.

“Good.” He patted him on the back, and using that same arm, yanked him down by his neck and whispered to him. “Astrid’s last name got changed to Juice today. If Astrid doesn’t want to see you, wants to forget you, wants to meet others and get married and have kids, that’s her thing. Your dead, your second in place, and you’ve got no say. Know who has say? Me. I’m your judge and executioner, you fuck with anything, and I’ll take you to hell so fucking fast your ears will pop off.” He brought him back up and patted him on the back again with the same hand. “Got it?”

“Got it,” he assured him.

Good. He went back over to Lydia and Astrid. “So? Are you guys ready to finally go home?”

“For now,” Wolf said to him. “You still have a lot of pennance, Beetlejuice.”

“But he married mom,” Astrid pointed out.

“I married her legally,” Beetlejuice also had to point out.

“Right, several things had to be agreed upon first before this could happen. That’s the reason a quick marriage is illegal,” Wolf told her. “The case is cleared. He’ll stay with you for a little while, but he still has to manage his career down here. Even I have to do things down here, no one gets a free ride.”

“When I’m not working, I go home,” Beetlejuice told her. “Pretty much the same as anyone else.”

“Oh.” Astrid looked relieved. “I didn’t want you sitting in a jail cell.”

“Yeah, those suck.” Nope, he wasn’t doing that. “So everything is pretty taken care of. Glowing stripes, marriage, and conversations covered. I think there’s only one more thing to do.” He smirked. “Let’s go home. To your home.” Not Winter Forest.

Oh, the look on Lydia’s face when she knew what that meant. He’d kill anyone out there to witness that smile again. “Oh, I can’t wait.” She looked toward Astrid. “Are you ready to go home?”

“Definitely,” Astrid agreed. “Bye, Wolf.”

“Bye, Astrid.” Wolf waved at her. “Bye Lydia. You have a nice life.”

“Oh, Wolf.” Lydia looked toward Delores. “I hope you still have one too.”

“Eh, we’ll see. I mean, she can be very sweet,” Wolf admitted.

“Yeah, right before she kills you,” Beetlejuice had to add. “Let’s go.”

“But doesn’t mom have to throw the bouquet?” Astrid asked.

“No, no, not in a living and dying wedding ceremony,” Otho said to her. “It has a better purpose.”

“A purpose?”

“They aren’t worth giving away for some tradition, they are actually going to be pristine for a long time to come. Just put them in some water and they’ll last for years.” Neither of them needed to know the purpose. Fate had now latched onto Lydia, and tied her with him. As she grew closer to being at the same status as him (dead), it would slowly be dying too. Little by little a flower would start to shrivel and lose it’s leaves. While no dead person knew when a living person would pass, fate itself did.

However, fate could sometimes be averted. If he saw those petals flying off, he might be able to prevent things. Or if not, make sure she was at least prepared for it.

The last thing he wanted her to know though was when the last petal fell, she was close to her end. She should just enjoy looking at their marriage flowers. “Come here, Stinker.” He picked up Beetle Juice, Jr. too, knowing he had to get used to actually carrying it now. He put him on his shoulders and grabbed Lydia and Astrid’s hands. “I’m not much for congrats, let’s just skedaddle already.”

“Don’t forget the license!” Wolf yelled as a reminder.

“I know!” Yeah, that was going to be way more intense than a C, and a C had been super intense. He probably better divide time with it like a job too. A deal was a deal though, and because of Wolf, he was finally free of Delores.

Although she did try to sabotage everything with the baby thing, in the end, it looked like it would be better having told her. “Hey? Don’t nibble on the head.” The kid had a long way to go though.

“It’s been so long since we’ve been back there,” Lydia said thoughtfully. “With it so quiet and undisturbed who knew what moved in?”

“I wish that was complaining from you, but I know it wasn’t,” Astrid said to her mother. “I don’t know what’s there now, but we are bringing Deetle, so whatever is there won’t be there much longer.”

Hell yes, she got that right. “New local cuisine unlocked. Okay. Lydia Juice. Astrid Juice. Are we ready now, or we taking another million pictures here?”

“One more, one more,” Delia insisted as she went over and got a picture between Lydia and Astrid. “I’ll see you two again soon, and don’t forget to visit sometimes.”

“Astrid Juice?” Astrid was less interested in her grandmother right now. “I thought I was stuck with Frazier?”

“I married your mom under the new name. It has a space in it,” he said. “Naturally yours changes too.”

“Even though I was married?” she asked.

“Ah, you are just married here.” Jeremy had a long battle to learn to fight on his own if he did want Astrid in the future, but he wasn’t even interested in that battle yet. “Shit that happens with the dead when you are alive, it doesn’t count for much. Except this.” He gestured between him and Lydia. “Eternal marriage is a little different.”

“It’s completely different,” Lydia agreed.

“Yeah, that shitty marriage con, you shouldn’t even think about it,” he encouraged her. “Don’t bother with the Frazier. You might see the schmo here and there, or not. Up to you,” he said. “Your still free to do whatever as you live. Hell, half married to me your mom got married and had you. Your life is your life. Live it with whoever.”

He was rewarded with a nice smile. “Thanks, Deetle. I’ll remember that, and I’m ready.”

“Me too,” Lydia agree. “Let’s go home.”

Wolf waved goodbye once more. That was one crazy ass family. Seriously. Beetlejuice, a victim/aggressor technical demon just married into a family of one normal person, one person connected with his soul and the physical traits of another human, and a Lost Love Child of the Neitherworld where the juice took on a life of it’s own.

Oh, there was definitely going to be more to watch out from him. There was no way the ability to go back and forth wasn’t going to get him into more legal trouble. There was no way that a simple human soul exchange for the LLC wouldn’t come at some point, maybe behind Lydia’s back, maybe not. Probably an evil human, but it was bound to come. They’d all want eternity together.

Not to mention that Son-In-Law, even Beetlejuice couldn’t seem to guess whether he should send him to hell or not. Details were sketchy with him. Beetlejuice’s words of Chaotic Neutral probably fit for the guy. “Are you ready, Delores?”

Delores hadn’t moved from her seat yet. The wedding was over and everyone was gone, but she was still bummed out. “He married someone else. I’ll never get immortality.”

Yeah, lost power. “I know, I know. It’s hard to lose something you really want sometimes.” He undid her straps from the chair, knowing they couldn’t have a nice time at the wedding if the bride and groom was uncomfortable. “I really missed acting when I died.”

“But you will get it back,” she pointed out as she stood up. “I will never get it back. I never even got it.”

Oh, she was feeling so down. “Well, I didn’t want to tell you before the wedding,” he said to her. “But in order to be immortal and not die? You have to have been alive, and never died. The dream was gone when you died.”

“But if I become immortal, I can come back to life!” she disagreed. “If I had married him.”

“No. Trust me, I’ve been on the police force for some time,” he told her. “It doesn’t work that way, Delores. At best, you might be immortal down here, but that’s pretty much everyone down here already. No one can enforce jumping on the trains except in special situations.”

Delores bit her lip cutely. “I can’t go back ever?”

“No. No, I could take you someday,” Wolf reasoned, “but you would have to learn about it, and special precautions would have to be made.” He showed off his license. “I would have to do it between starting my acting gigs again.” Oh, so exciting! He already had his first tryout lined up for tomorrow.

“I hope it gets nicer,” Delia said as she looked at Charles. “That. Baby. It’s definitely lacking in the cuteness category, Charles. What will people think when they ask to see pictures of our family?”

“Oh, I think he’s got something special to him,” Charles said to her. “This was such a nice wedding.”

Wolf just shook his head. Delia had been in the Neitherworld and was still so judgmental. She had no problem looking past Charles’ less than stellar appearance, but couldn’t get over a less than cute grandkid?

Newbies were odd sometimes. Everyone was already leaving, back to their destinations. The living folk left through the Winter River side, while the rest left out Astrid’s home. “Come on, let’s go.” A human ceremony would have had a reception and things to eat, but it was a split between the two.

Like it or not, people in the Neitherworld tended to be a little more selfish, and it was hard enough to get people to show up at weddings so usually long ceremonies no one wanted except the bride and groom were left out. It was pretty, words were said, and it was done. No bridesmaids or super fancy clothes. The most expensive thing was usually the doorway open to both sides in a specific area. That? That was not cheap.

Also, the bouquet. That sucker was never cheap, people wanted the longest lasting flowers. They’d live a whole century before they even withered, until they were connected to a living being. Yeah, not everyone had money for one of those.

If anything there might some alcohol or fancy desserts before or during it, but nobody wanted to hang out afterward. “Do I need to drop you off at therapy again before I go to work?”

“I hate therapy,” she said dully. “I want to just get swallowed into neverending voids.”

“That’s why you are going to therapy,” he insisted as he helped her leave outside. He walked her outwards and appeared at the therapy station. “You lost immortality, and you need to work through it. You can have a long and happy afterlife once you get past losing that. You gotta keep it real, Honey.”

She growled.

“You gotta keep it real, Delores,” he corrected himself. She didn’t like pet names, it reminded her of Beetlejuice. “Once you get past the tragedies, you can rebuild.”

“With you?” she asked. “Am I just supposed to accept all of this for myself?”

“Maybe, maybe not. We’ll see how we click, after you start getting a little better,” he said. “Do you have to bring anything with you today?”

“No. Dr. Khan is bringing the cupcakes today,” she insisted. She crossed her arms. “Therapy was never good in my time.”

“Well, it’s pretty good now,” he said patting her shoulder. “Hopefully they learn about my misgivings soon so I don’t have to be leader much longer.” Beetlejuice could get himself in all the trouble he wanted in the future, without being a chief, it wasn’t his business.

Unless he needed him for his acting skill, then it was his business. That was going to be great for his portfolio! Yeah, he was pretty selfish sometimes too. “I gotta get to work. Wish me luck and hope I get demoted soon.”

“I hope you get demoted soon,” she said bitterly. “Even if it was my term for cupcakes, I can’t even make cupcakes. I can’t exorcise anyone. I can’t choke anyone. I can’t even make cupcakes!”

Yeah, it was almost time for therapy. “I’ll walk you into your class today.” He gave her some cupcakes anyhow.

“Dr. Khan is bringing them,” she said bitterly.

“Then they are yours,” he said. “Go on. Try to have a good day. I know it’s hard letting go, but you’ll get there, Delores.”

“Thank you, Wolf,” she said softly. She hugged her cupcakes closer and went to her room. “My ex-husband who I was supposed to kill and suck his soul got married today, so I got cupcakes for myself!” She yelled into the room.

Wolf watched as everyone applauded in the room, including Dr. Genghis Khan, so he clapped for her too. He had no idea if he had any future with her or not. For all he knew, maybe he did. Maybe instead of the lone wolf he'd been in life he did end up with her somehow. Maybe they'd even end up having their own Lost Love Child from the Neitherworld. One or two, and watch them grow up. Live happily, marry eternally, and all end up on the same train one day. Or? Maybe not. Maybe she and he won't ever mix and he'll become his own lone wolf self under the shining stars of Neitherworld's most famous actors and actresses.

No matter which way, the afterlife was gonna change, and that was good. He'd get through the changes, one step at a time.

And he'd remember above all?

To keep it real. Yeah!

The End

Author's Journal: So we have finally reached the end. I really hope everyone enjoyed the journey. If you enjoyed my style of reading, I still have more Beetlejuice's that I've completed (Betelgeuse/Dead Shadow) and that I am working on (Different Eternities/Beetlejuice's Bride). I might be starting on a Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss crossover piece too soon, so we'll see. Anyhow, thanks to everyone who supported this story, it kept me going all the way to the end. This fiction reached heights I hadn't seen for a long time and I'm so proud of it, from beginning to end. Thanks for taking the journey through an imaginary third film with me.:)

Since this is the end, you are always welcome to check out other stuff of mine. I've done a lot more than Beetlejuice, so if you are into Animaniacs, Assassination Classroom,  Detroit: Become Human, Gundam Wing, Inuyasha, The Pretender Series, Sonic.EXE,  Undertale, Yu-Gi-Oh, or Zelda feel free to check out more stuff.