Actions

Work Header

Cooking with Alastor

Summary:

Written for week 4 of "A What Now?" Crack fic compendium. "Dumb ways Angel got free from his contract with Valentino"
In which Angel gets something he never expected, his freedom

Work Text:

“Co-owner of Vox tech, and Overlord, Valentino has been found dead.”

Angel choked on his coffee, staring at the TV in disbelief. He had to be dreaming or seriously tripping. Val? Dead? There was no way the slimy bastard was finally out of his life. Tentatively, he searched his soul for the familiar binding weight of his contact. The thing had been a constant weight for years, keeping him wrapped up in Val's bidding. And now...? It was gone.

"...recorded footage of the event."

He barely registered the words, or the presence of someone sitting down next to him to watch the report. The screen flickered, blurring with static for a second, and... Oh. I've finally lost it. Nothing else explained why else the TV would show the image of Alastor standing on the set of 'Cooking with Vox'. No sign of the titular host was anywhere to be seen, other than the trademark chef hat now perched on Alastor's head.

"Good evening my fellow demons!" he announced with his usual grin. "I've decided to replace your usual programming with something far more interesting. As I'll be showing you all how to whip up my absolutely delectable 'Overlord Surprise!'"

Oh shit. Angel watched in morbid fascination as the camera panned over to a very much still alive, and very furious Valentino lying on a silver platter. He was firmly bound and gagged with red ribbon, tied off below the neck into a fashionable ribbon.

"Now our first step is to gather our ingredients. You'll want at least two cups of milk, a dollop of cream—"

"Don't forget the sugar!" Nifty called from offscreen, the camera wobbling in time with her excited voice.

"Right you are, my dear!" Al produced a carton and placed it on the counter alongside the other items. "Three cups should do it, but you can always add more to counteract the bitterness of your meat. Mix your ingredients together and pour over your Overlord of choice."

He demonstrated by upending the entire milk carton over Valentino's head, followed shortly by the cream and sugar. "This one in particular is extra bitter," he explained as he added another dollop. "Now we stick the whole thing in the oven at 333°F and let cook for 2 hours!"

Valentino went shock still. Up until this point he had looked as if at any moment he would manage to escape his bindings and would kill the bastard Radio Demon as soon as he had the chance.

He should've known better.

Angel couldn't even summon enough fucks to act surprised when in the next moment Alastor slid the whole tray into the waiting oven doors. Slamming it shut in the same smooth motion. He was almost disappointed when the news program cut off before he could hear the sound of the screams.

But...this meant he was actually free? He turned to smile, finally seeing who had been next to him. The next words were like music to his ears.

"Happy birthday, darling. I hope you liked my present."