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McCoy would never say he was the best father in the world, but he tried his hardest to be a damn good one.
Through your eyes, I see
A smile you bring to me
To your joy, I tether
She looked so peaceful lying there in his arms. It almost made McCoy laugh. How could a girl this sweet be born out of such infamy in such a wretched universe? Her small hands gripped onto the blanket she was wrapped in tightly. Her rosy cheeks made him fawn. If McCoy didn't know better, he’d say the corners of her mouth were curled into a smile, too. He adored that cheeky smile. The happy expression she held every day, looking at her father, was enough to keep him going forever. He’d cling to that precious smile. Her joy was his reason for living.
Not a lot, just forever
Intertwined, sewn together
Like the rock bears the weather
Not a lot, just forever
He wishes he could live forever, then he could be at her side no matter what. He wanted so badly to be there constantly as she grew up, no matter how much he knew he couldn’t. He hoped she at least would know as she aged that he loved her indefinitely. That he would give his life for her; devote every part of it to her. That no matter what happens, who they become, he will be in the stars for her to look up to and lean on whenever she needs it. He hoped she knew that he lived for no one but her.
My dog barks wildly
To protect my infancy
From my ex-believer
And I try to calm the wolf
To remind her, am both
Still, she tears at my sweater
He really did try hard to make things better, but everything he did was useless. He couldn’t fix what was broken before it truly started. He couldn’t rewrite what was in permanent ink. His mistakes couldn’t be made up, and it hurt him to think about what that meant for his baby Joanna. It hurt to know the life she could’ve had if it wasn’t for him. Him and her mother just couldn’t live with each other, not without any more destruction to what little they had left, at least. So he’d have to live with being an absent father. He’d have to grow up separately from her.
Not a lot, just forever
Intertwined, sewn together
As the wren sheds her feather
Not a lot, just forever
All too often, McCoy found himself thinking about what Joanna's life would be like without him. Who she would grow up to be. All the smiles he’d miss. He knew she’d be an intelligent girl. She was so smart already. He knew she’d spread joy to everyone around her, hell, she gave him joy every day he spent with her. As much as he liked the thought of her missing him like he would miss her, he hoped that she could learn to be happy without him there. He hoped that she’d find peace in her life knowing that he wanted more than anything to care for her. No matter how far away he was, his heart would lay in her hands, and that wouldn’t ever change.
And your dearest fantasy
Is to grow a baby in me
I could be a good mother
And I wanna be your wife
So I hold you to my knife
And I steal your letter
More than anything else, he didn’t want Joanna to blame herself. Her birth was nothing but a coincidence in the grand scheme of his and her mothers issues, and she was the best thing to come from it. She was his pride in joy, and he needed her to understand she was nothing less than his greatest creation and a beacon of light in this universe. It wasn’t her fault that he couldn’t make amends with the woman he vowed so surely to be with until his death. He didn’t know who to blame anymore, but he would make sure that the knife was pointing at anyone except Joanna. He wished he could just sneak her away from everything, but that was a story bound to end with painful disaster. Besides, despite everything that's happened, he still cared for his wife. She deserved a life with Joanna just as much as he did, if not more.
Not a lot, just forever
Intertwine some together
As the rock bears the weather
Not a lot, just forever
For now, McCoy would just hold tightly onto these moments he had alone with her, cradling her close in his arms. He’d savor every second he got to see her little wiggles. He’d savor every laugh, every word, every touch. He wished time would stop right here. On the long, quiet nights that he rocked her to sleep until he heard her soft snores. Everything else faded away when he was with her. It all hurt a little less. It was just them two in infinite harmony forever.
So I bash around the house
And the poison stains my mouth
She comes, I let her
And we share a paradise
And I roll them once or twice
Can't get much better
Then he hums a quiet tune as he gently lays her down in her crib, careful not to startle her awake. He has done this a million times before, but tonight would be the last. He’d never get to hold her like this again. Nonetheless, Bones chooses to think that someday he’ll get to be her dad again. He chooses to imagine that someday she’ll come running over to him, and he’ll wrap her in the biggest hug and never let go, and this time he’ll get to stay. He’ll get to watch her keep growing, and he will always be there for her whenever she needs it. They’ll be together, somewhere far from here, and they’ll love each other more than anything else like they were meant to.
Not a lot, just forever
Intertwined, sewn together
As the rock bears the weather
Not a lot, just forever
It isn't real, but when McCoy closes the door to the nursery and walks away, it's all he has left. It’s never going to happen. But he's going to hold onto that until the day he dies. He’s never going to forget about all the lost moments with Joanna, and he surely isn’t going to stop loving her. How could he?
Not a lot, just forever
Intertwined, sewn together
As the wren bares her feathers
Joanna Lee McCoy grew up to be a girl who wears her name with pride. She grows up with a passionate fire for life. She looks up to the stars for guidance. She loves her mom and the dad she never quite knew despite all the bumps in the road. She lives reminiscent of them. She holds the same determination and stubbornness. She has the same bright eyes and witty mind, and she never forgets from which she came. Her heartbeat stays strong, and her name would become just as notorious as her dads, for whom she's more than grateful for. She dies happy, knowing she was loved by Leonard McCoy if nobody else.
Not a lot, just forever.