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Aeryn Sun noticed it almost immediately after John returned from Acquara. At first, she dismissed it as nothing more than him adjusting to being back on Moya. He had been stranded practically alone for three monens, after all. But as the days passed, the signs became harder to ignore.
John wasn’t himself- not really. He moved through the ship like a ghost, laughing and talking when necessary, but there was a tension in him, a quiet unease that clung to his every movement.
Nobody else seemed to see it. Zhaan, D’Argo, even Rygel all welcomed him back without noticing the shift. But Aeryn did. She always did.
It was subtle at first- the way he stood just a little too close to the others during conversations, how his hands fidgeted when he wasn’t occupied. How he leaned into her personal space just a little too much whilst in the maintenance bay helping her service her prowler…
His jokes were the same, but they felt hollow, like he was covering up something underneath. Aeryn could see it in the way he lingered around the others, almost as if he was waiting for something he wouldn’t ask for.
She realised with some surprise that it was touch.
But now, there was none of that. Not from him. And she knew it wasn’t because he didn’t want it, but because no one was offering it. No one but her seemed to notice just how much he needed it.
It had been two weekens since his return to Moya and for the second night in a row he had avoided dinner. Aeryn's concern for John had been growing throughout the past few days, and when he skipped dinner for the second time, she sensed something was seriously wrong.
John had several hiding spots on Moya- some Aeryn knew, but many she didn’t. Determined to find him, she utilised her combat experience to create a comprehensive search pattern targeting the most likely areas he might be hiding.
After an arn of searching, however, she was coming up empty.
“Pilot, could you help me locate Crichton?” She asked quietly, cautious that John might be hiding nearby. She initially hadn’t wanted to alert anybody else to what was happening but there was only so much she could do without Pilot’s help.
His voice crackled through her comms, laced with concern. “Is Commander Crichton not responding to his comms?”
“No, I think he’s hiding. He missed dinner again.”
“Hmm, I’ll have the DRDs search for him.” Pilot replied thoughtfully.
“Thank you, Pilot,” Aeryn answered gratefully, continuing down yet another of Moya's endless identical corridors.
With a little help from a few subtle DRDs, Aeryn finally tracked John down, half an arn later, in the depths of the ship, hidden away in a long forgotten gym.
It was late, the others were now likely all asleep, and Moya’s dim, warm lighting made the ship feel quieter than usual. John was engulfed in shadows, nearly invisible to the naked eye if she hadn’t been searching for him. Sitting on a soft mat in the far corner of the room, with his back against Moya’s smooth bulkhead, John curled into himself, arms tightly wrapped around his raised knees. His chin rested there, and she could see the tension in his shoulders, the way his eyes were tightly closed as if blocking out everything around him.
Aeryn felt a pang of sadness, realising just how isolated he had become. She approached him quietly, noticing a visible tremor in John’s hands as he clutched his raised knees.
“Hello, Crichton,” she said softly, careful not to startle him. Her heart sank as he quickly buried his face into his knees, avoiding her gaze.
“I’ve been looking for you,” Aeryn continued gently, inching closer and crouching beside him. “You weren’t at dinner?”
John shook his head slightly, his voice muffled against his knees. “Not hungry.”
“Are you sick?” Aeryn felt a bit stupid for asking, but she had to cover all areas with him, there was so much she was still learning about Humans and their ‘quirks’. Crichton’s quirks.
A simple “No” spoken quietly into his legs was her only response.
Realising she probably wouldn’t get much more out of him, Aeryn decided to join him on the mat. As she sank down beside him, she felt a flicker of hope when he didn’t immediately pull away. It was clear he wanted her there, even if he couldn’t find the words to express it.
She sat quietly for a long moment, letting the stillness wrap around them like a comforting blanket. Aeryn turned slightly to study what she could see of his face, the shadows playing across his features. She could see the tightness of his jaw, his down turned mouth and the tension about his expression.
This was not the John she was so used to seeing, he was hurting and despite her training, something within Aeryn couldn’t stand to see it.
Flashes of how he had looked when they were once trapped on one of Moya’s transport pods in the Flax, and the sadness and despair in his expression when he believed they were both about to die filled her mind.
She hated that look.
“John,” she whispered softly, using his given name to break the silence. “Whatever it is, you don’t have to go through it alone.”
He didn’t respond, but Aeryn noticed the tension in his shoulders ease slightly. Taking a deep breath, she leaned closer, offering her presence as a lifeline. When he still didn’t pull away, she did something that felt entirely foreign to her- she reached out to offer him physical comfort.
Aeryn quietly slipped her arm around John’s back, pulling him close in a protective embrace. He moved easily and leaned into her, instinctively wrapping his arms around her as if seeking refuge.
As John rested his head against her chest, she felt him let out a shaky breath, his body trembling in her arms. Aeryn felt the rapid beat of her own heart beneath his ear and wondered if he could hear it too. Though she tried to keep her composure, she couldn't ignore how deeply this moment was affecting them both. Her arms tightened automatically and she couldn’t help but press her face to John’s soft hair, breathing in his scent as she held him close.
They sat together in silence for a long while, each listening to the sound of the other’s breathing and the organic noises of Moya’s inner processes surrounding them.
It was only the sudden hitching of John's breath that alerted Aeryn to something being wrong. She felt wetness against her chest, soaking through her thin grey nightshirt, and realised with a sinking stomach that John was crying.
Shocked, she looked down at the man in her arms and felt her heart ache- a sensation that was still unfamiliar to her, but somehow felt right when it came to John.
“John?” She spoke his name quietly, not wanting to startle him.
John shuddered and spoke against her chest, “M’sorry.” He moved to pull away from her but Aeryn tightened her arms, stopping him.
“No, it’s fine, I’ve got you,” she reassured him softly, realising suddenly just how much John needed this closeness between them, as he responded to her with an audible sob. Human emotions were complex and baffling to her, but she was beginning to truly understand his need for contact- connection.
For her people, Peacekeepers at least, physical contact was rare, unnecessary, even discouraged. Asides from the assigned recreation partners they were allowed as adults, the bulk of her physical contact with others was purely perfunctory, or during combat exercises.
But John wasn’t Sebacean. He came from a world where, according to him, touch was a way of connecting, of reassurance, grounding. She’d experienced it first hand with him whilst they were trapped in the Flax, and had even felt a similar strong urge for contact.
The frantic, desperate kiss they had shared still made her stomach flip when she allowed herself to think about it.
She had seen him reach out to others before without thinking- a hand on the shoulder, a pat on the back, things that felt foreign to her. But she understood now that to John, it was absolutely necessary, and something only she seemed to have realised he truly needed.
Three long monens without it must have felt like torture, Aeryn thought, feeling a surge of guilt knotting in her stomach. If they had only stopped to consider John’s feelings and his frustrations, and recognised his needs, he would not have left Moya in the first place and ended up in his accidental exile.
Aeryn’s hand instinctively moved to John’s head, her fingers threading through his hair as she comforted him with gentle strokes.
She held him steady as he rested his head against her chest, his breathing shaky and uneven. Her arms wrapped around him tightly, anchoring him as his tears silently fell. She didn’t say a word, didn’t shift- just let him cling to her, her heartbeat steady beneath his ear, offering him the wordless comfort he needed but couldn't ask for.
John stayed there, motionless except for the occasional tremor that ran through him. Aeryn’s fingers gently stroked his scalp, slow and soothing, as if trying to smooth away the ache he carried. Every rise and fall of her chest was a quiet reminder to him that he wasn’t alone, that he didn’t have to carry it all by himself.
Microts passed, but time felt irrelevant. She wasn’t counting. She was simply there, holding him together when he couldn’t do it for himself.
Finally, he exhaled, the long, shaky breath telling her he was beginning to come back from the edge. He didn’t move, but his grip loosened slightly, as if he could finally breathe again, just for a moment.
Aeryn waited patiently, ignoring the slight ache in her back from where she was sitting at an angle, but also very grateful for the padded mat below her.
Learned bad habits urged her to scold him for keeping things in and letting them build for so long but she knew better than that now.
“You’ve been so quiet lately, I’m sorry I didn’t realise just how much you were struggling,” she said, finally breaking the silence.
John let out a big, shaky sigh and moved to sit upright. Aeryn allowed him to, this time, and watched him closely as he righted himself then pressed the palms of both hands into his eyes, rubbing at them to clear them.
“You were on Acquara for a long time,” Aeryn stated in a measured voice, cautious to not upset him further.
John cleared his throat roughly and gave a short humourless laugh. “Yeah. Paradise, really.”
Aeryn wasn’t fooled by the casual tone. “But no one else was there. Not really. You were alone.”
He went quiet again, avoiding her eyes, and Aeryn realised her thoughts were correct. She watched as his body tensed and could almost feel the weight pressing down on him- the isolation he must have felt on that planet, and now, back on Moya, surrounded by people, but still feeling distant from them.
“You’re not alone anymore,” she said quietly, her words carefully chosen. She wasn’t sure if they were enough, but they were the only ones she had.
John finally looked up at her, his eyes locking onto hers. They were reddened and bloodshot, with tears still clinging to his lashes. Even in the dim light, his blue eyes shone, a storm of emotion swirling in their depths, raw and unguarded.
His hand rose to cup the side of her face, trembling slightly as his fingers brushed her skin. Aeryn noticed the vulnerability in his touch, the way he hesitated, as though afraid she might pull away. His eyes, still clouded with the weight of everything he’d been holding inside, searched hers, asking for something he couldn’t put into words.
His hand felt warm and solid against her cheek and she couldn’t help but lean into the touch. She kept her gaze locked with his, keeping her expression open and calm.
Then, without warning, he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers in a soft, almost desperate kiss.
For a moment, Aeryn was caught off guard, her breath stalling, but she quickly understood. This wasn’t really about passion- it was about need.
John was seeking something more than comfort, something he had been without for too long. He was reaching for a connection, craving the closeness he had been starved of, the kind of touch that reminded him he wasn’t alone.
Aeryn didn’t push him away; she understood his need and felt the firm tug of her own. Her heart skipped as she realised she wanted this too. She hadn’t let herself dwell on her own emotions, afraid it would cloud her judgement, but she realised that she had missed him whilst he had been gone from Moya. Truly missed him.
She let him kiss her, gently at first, allowing him to pour everything he couldn’t say into the act. Slowly, she responded, her kiss turning softer, more reassuring. She wasn’t just letting this happen- she was giving him the connection he needed, grounding him in the only way she knew how.
Her hand slid to rest on the back of his neck, steadying him. Her fingers scratched lightly at the soft baby hairs there and she felt him shiver beneath her touch.
Her other hand moved to rest firmly on his chest, feeling the steady rhythm of his heartbeat beneath her fingers, and something inside her softened. She hadn’t expected this, hadn’t anticipated how right it would feel to let him in like this, but as the kiss deepened, she found herself not wanting to stop.
She allowed herself to enjoy it, to sink into the warmth and tenderness that he offered whilst equally giving him back the same.
Before she really understood what was happening, she was straddling him, kissing him deeply, their tongues warring for control as their mouths grew desperate for more.
John’s hands slid to her hips, his fingers tentatively brushing the skin beneath her nightshirt. The unexpected warmth of his touch sent a shiver through Aeryn, and before she could stop herself, a soft moan escaped her lips. The sound broke the moment between them, and John immediately pulled back, his eyes wide with alarm.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-" he started, his voice laced with panic as uncertainty flashed across his face.
But Aeryn quickly silenced him, her hand resting gently on his cheek, thumb tracing the light stubble there. “It’s alright, John. Really, it is," she reassured him, her voice steady.
To prove her point, Aeryn leaned in without a second thought and kissed him again, this time more certain, more deliberate, wanting him to understand she meant every word.
She felt John tense at first, startled by her response, but then he let out a soft gasp against her lips and kissed her back, harder, more desperate. His hands gripped her hips, slid up her sides, and his fingers slipped beneath her top, finding her skin as if he were grounding himself in her touch.
The heat of his hands sent another shiver through her, and for a moment, she let herself get lost in it again- the warmth, the intensity, the way her body responded instinctively to him. She hadn't expected to feel this much from just a kiss, hadn't anticipated how much she would want to melt into him.
But then reality pulled her back, and guilt washed over her. This wasn’t supposed to happen. They weren’t together, and she knew that this- whatever this was- wasn't about her, not really. It was about John’s isolation, the monens he’d spent trapped in his own mind, craving touch, craving connection. She could feel it in the way his hands clung to her, the desperation in his kiss, like he was afraid she might vanish if he let go. And part of her wanted to give him that comfort, to offer him the closeness he needed, but she wasn’t sure anymore that this was the right way.
Aeryn tried to steady her breathing, feeling the conflict rising inside her. She wanted to be there for him, to ease his pain, but the intensity of the kiss stirred something else in her- something she wasn’t sure she was ready to face. She liked the way it felt, liked the way he touched her, but it was complicated. Too complicated, and that scared her.
As if hearing her inner warring thoughts, John’s lips parted from hers, just enough to break the kiss but still close enough that their foreheads touched, their breaths mingling in the space between them. She heard the rawness in his voice as he whispered, "I thought I'd never feel this again, feel you again."
Her heart clenched at his words- the way he spoke made her realise just how much he'd been holding back. The vulnerability in his voice was something she rarely heard from John. He usually hid behind jokes, sarcasm, anything to keep his walls intact, but now, in this moment, he was laid bare in front of her, more exposed than she’d ever seen him.
She couldn’t bring herself to push him away, not now. Not when she wasn’t sure she wanted to. Instead, she whispered, “I’m here, John. And so are you. I won’t let you get lost again.”
His head tilted back and he smiled at her. A genuine smile which lit up his face and crinkled the corners of his eyes. “Thank you, Aeryn,” he spoke softly, one hand carefully tucking a loose strand of her hair back behind her ear as he studied her features.
Aeryn took his hand in hers, squeezing it gently. She smiled, relieved to see something other than despair on his face, and comforted by the thought that she was the one who had brought him that peace.
He wrapped his arms around her then, pulling her into a hug, clearly unwilling to let go just yet. She allowed it, enjoying the warmth and security of his embrace. Resting her head on his shoulder, she sighed softly as he buried his face in her hair.
They held each other for a while, long enough for Aeryn to start feeling sleepy.
“Come on, we can’t stay here all night,” she said softly, gently reclaiming a bit of control.
John grunted in agreement and helped her off his lap.
——-
The walk back up to their quarters took some time but they spent it chatting lightly about possible uses for the gym John had found. Aeryn was most intrigued about the equipment stashed about the room and the possibility of finding a weapon or two hidden away. They planned to explore it later, but right now both of them needed sleep.
As they stopped outside John's quarters, Aeryn noticed a flicker of hesitation in his expression, a myriad of emotions passing across his face as he glanced away from her toward the door.
“What is it?” she asked, her voice edged with caution, her hand instinctively hovering near her pistol.
John bit his lip, staring down at his feet before meeting her gaze. “Would you stay?” he murmured, then quickly added, a hint of panic in his eyes, “Just to sleep. Nothing more.”
Aeryn considered it for a moment then nodded. “Alright, just to sleep,” she agreed, watching as a soft smile curled the edges of John’s mouth before he turned to enter the code for his door.
Aeryn could see relief lessening the tension in John’s shoulders from behind.
As the door slid open, he stepped inside and cast a quick glance over his shoulder as if to make sure Aeryn had followed.
The room was dimly lit, and as Aeryn stepped in behind him, she took in the faint mess- clothes strewn about the edges of the room, a half-finished meal tray on his desk, signs of his restlessness. John moved toward his bed, hesitating again before sitting on its edge.
“You don’t have to,” he said quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. “If it’s too much.”
Aeryn crossed her arms, studying him for a moment. He looked smaller somehow, a far cry from the confident, brash John she was used to. She shook her head. “I said I would, John.”
He looked up, his smile a little wider this time, the gratitude unmistakable. “Thanks.”
She stayed by the door for a moment longer as John kicked his shoes off and stripped down to his underwear, before finally stepping further into the room. “So, where do you want me?” she asked, her tone light, though there was an undercurrent of seriousness.
John blinked, and for a brief second, a blush crept across his cheeks. “Anywhere’s fine,” he mumbled, pulling back the soft covers on his bed, leaving plenty of space for her as he swung his legs up and under the covers on one side.
Aeryn hesitated only for a moment before sitting down beside him and removing her shoes and gun clip, keeping a careful distance between them. “Just sleep,” she reminded him softly, though she could feel the pull of something unspoken between them.
“Just sleep,” he echoed, settling down beside her and flopping his head back on one of his pillows.
Aeryn laid down on her side facing him and watched him as he stared up at the ceiling, his face unreadable.
The room fell into silence, the soft hum of Moya the only sound as they lay side by side, the quiet presence of each other more comforting than either would admit.
Aeryn didn’t quite know when but at some point she must have drifted off to sleep because the next thing she was aware of was John’s soft snores near her ear and a heavy weight over her waist.
Aeryn blinked groggily in the low light of the room, her mind slowly adjusting to the sensation of warmth pressed against her back. It took her a moment to register that the solid weight draped across her waist was John’s arm. His soft, steady breathing filled the silence, his body warm, still and comfortable behind hers.
She shifted slightly, careful not to wake him. His grip tightened reflexively, a quiet murmur escaping his lips as he unconsciously pulled her closer. Aeryn froze, her heart unexpectedly pounding in her chest.
Her first instinct was to slip out of bed, but something made her pause. She could sense that the loneliness and sadness in him seemed to have loosened their grip in his sleep. For a moment, Aeryn allowed herself to feel the warmth of his body around her, the rare comfort of his presence.
But the intimacy of it... it was too much .
With a quiet exhale, she slowly untangled herself from his hold, moving with the practiced ease of a soldier sneaking through enemy lines. She slid off the bed, glancing back at John as he stirred slightly but didn’t wake. His arm fell limply where she’d been, and the sight tugged at her in a way she didn’t expect.
Aeryn stood at the edge of the room for a moment, watching him sleep. There was a part of her that wanted to stay- to curl back into that warmth, to let down the walls just for a little longer- but she shook the thought away. It wasn’t what either of them needed right now.
Silently, she moved toward the door, her hand hovering over the control panel. Before she opened it, she spared one last glance at John, his soft snores filling the quiet.
A small smile touched her lips, barely there, before she slipped out into the corridor, the door closing softly behind her.
——-
A short while later, John stirred, drowsily blinking through sleep-crusted eyes as he awoke. For a brief moment, disorientation clouded his thoughts- he wasn’t sure where he was. Then, as his vision adjusted to the dim light of his quarters, he remembered he was in his own bed, not the gym where he had hidden himself away earlier.
And then the memory hit him, and his stomach flipped. Aeryn .
He remembered the quiet vulnerability in his voice when he’d asked her to stay. He hadn’t expected her to agree, but she had. The relief he felt then came rushing back now. But as he reached out to where she had been beside him, his hand found only empty space. His arm fell back to the bed, and he realised she had slipped away.
John lay there for a moment, staring at the space she had previously occupied. A part of him wasn’t surprised- Aeryn was never one to linger in situations that felt too close, too intimate. He understood. But he couldn’t deny the pang of emptiness that came from waking up alone.
Still, he smiled faintly, a warmth blooming in his chest despite her absence. She had stayed with him, even if just for the night. She’d offered him a rare moment of comfort, her presence steady and real in the silence of his quarters.
It was enough .
He closed his eyes again, savouring the lingering traces of her warmth and the soft memory of her beside him. Aeryn had been there, and though she had left before morning, she hadn’t turned him away when he needed her. That, in itself, was more than he could have asked for.
Fin .