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You open your eye. The sun beats down over head making you squint. Cool grass brushes against your wrist, and before you can even think the words “where am I?” You know.
You’re back. You’re back you’re back you’re back you’re back you’re back you’re back you’re back you’re back.
You’re back in that crabbing field outside of Dormont.
Immediately tears well in your eye and you scream. A blood curling, howling scream full of loops and loops of anguish and despair.
HOW?! How are you back?
You thought—
No. No of course not. How could you ever be free of the loops? You’re trapped here forever, remember? There’s no escaping the loops.
You’re trapped you’re trapped you’re trapped you’re trapped you’re trapped, and it’s all your fault!
You try to take a breath, but your lungs won’t cooperate. Each breath comes as a quick, harsh pant. You can’t breathe. You can’t breathe.
You can’t breathe and Mirabelle is going to check on you again soon. You can’t let her see you like this. Pull yourself together Siffrin!!
You try. Oh stars you try. But the tears won’t stop flowing and each breath burns as it squeezes past the lump in your throat.
“Siffrin?”
Mirabelle’s gentle voice cuts through your panic and you sit up with a start, turned away from her. You clasp a hand over your mouth as you heave. Stars you feel like you’re going to be sick.
“Oh good you’re up!”
She hasn’t noticed anything is wrong yet. That’s odd for her but you’re not going to question your good fortune.
You can barely hear her over the pounding of your heart in your ears. All you can think is that you’re back.
You dig your gloved nails into the soft flesh of your cheek but that does nothing to ground you. If anything the pain makes it all feel that much more real.
Mirabelle is standing in front of you now, but something is… off. Wrong. Her face is almost entirely shrouded in shadow. All you can see is her bright smile.
“Come on, we’ve gotta go fight the king.”
The house is the same as it always is. The first sadness. The death corridor. The circle key. The weird sadness, the broken egg key, the egg key, the large sadness, the rock key, the scissor key, the star crest, the paper key the next large sadnesstheemptykeythesmilingkeytheangrykeythestarcrestthekeyknifethe—
Before you know it, you’re standing before the King again. His large, imposing form towers over you. You feel like you’re drowning. You still haven’t been able to catch your breath.
“Bright one,” the King’s booming voice cuts through the stillness of the house.
You can feel your friends beside you, but you can’t turn your head to look. You can only stare, wide eyed and terrified as you suffocate in your own fear.
“Do you remember….?”
No, you think, but you can’t speak. Your throat is too tight to form words.
The King says something then and it hurts. The words reverberate through your very bones. From the top of your skull down to your toes.
You cry out unable to muffle the anguish from your voice.
You hear your friends call your name over the ringing in your ears. Your vision vignettes when you open your eye to see…
“BONNIE!!!” You try to scream yet no sound leaves your mouth.
The King! The King has Bonnie in his grasp again!
“STOP!! LET THEM GO!!!”
Once again it’s like you didn’t say anything. Instead of words there is only the crackle of static.
You’re frozen in place. You can’t move. You can’t speak. You can only watch helplessly as the King’s grip tightens and tightens.
Loop back loop back loop back loop back.
“FRIN!!! HELP ME!!!” Bonnie cries out in a strangled voice.
You can’t move! You can’t move!!
“BONNIE!!!”
It’s all in vain. You can’t do anything to help them. You can’t even say their name.
I’m so sorry, you think. This is all my fault.
You hear the horrible crunch of Bonnie’s bones as the King squeezes them in his fist. Their sobs echo throughout the chamber. Blood gushes from their mouth, staining their clothes and the hand that is slowly crushing them. Bloodshot eyes bugging from their skull they look at you pleadingly, their mouth moving yet no words come out.
Then the Kings hand tightens fully, and Bonnie’s head pops clean off. You watch in horror as it rolls across the blood slick tile floor before coming to a stop at your feet.
You scream. And bolt upright in bed.
Panting like you had just run for miles, you clutch at your chest, your hair— pulling at it as you hyperventilate. Your eye swims with the tears already streaming down your face.
“Bonnie,” you croak. Oh stars. Bonnie.
A sob bursts from your mouth as you curl in on yourself. It was just a dream. Bonnie’s fine. Bonnie’s alive. It’s fine. You’re fine.
Except… you’re not fine. Even knowing it was just a nightmare doesn’t stop your spiral. You still can’t breathe. Your bones hurt. Your head feels like it might explode with the force of your sobs.
Distantly you hear hurried footsteps rushing over to you. Then soft hands are removing your hand from your hair and cradling it in them.
“….breathe…. Siffrin….”
Who..?
You look up, blinking tears from your eye, and see the shape of Mirabelle sitting next to you on your bed. You can’t make out her expression through the haze of tears, but her being here is enough to force another sob from you.
“I’m sorry,” you blubber. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.”
“Shhhh,” Mirabelle soothes. “It’s ok Siffrin. Breathe with me ok?”
You try to mirror her breaths, that slow in and out that they’d all picked up from you, but you can’t. You shake your head. You can’t. You can’t. Your breath hitches in your throat and a fresh wave of tears roll down your cheeks.
Mirabelle makes a sympathetic noise, one of her hands releasing yours to run gently through your hair.
“B-bonnie—“ you choke through sobs. “I-is… is Bonnie…?”
“Bonnie’s ok, Siffrin.”
Your whole body shakes with the force of your sobs. They’re ok. They’re alive. You want to see them but based on how dark the room is, it’s likely the middle of the night.
Stars. You woke Mirabelle up with your hysterics didn’t you? Guilt settles in your stomach like a rock.
You’ve been out of the loops for three days already. You feel like you should be starting to get back to normal, yet every night without fail you end up back in the House facing off against the King. And every night one of your friends has come running to check on you.
You’re nothing but a burden to them. They’re only staying with you because otherwise you’d all still be stuck in those blinding loops.
You try once again to draw in a breath. You need to pull yourself together so Mirabelle can go back to sleep.
You manage one deep breath in and out, and again, in and out. Slowly but surely your tears come to a stop and your breathing evens out. Your eye is nearly swollen shut and the exhaustion of crying immediately catches up to you. But sleeping is the last thing you want to do right now.
“Haha sorry about that,” you say, a rictus grin on your face.
You can’t stand the sad look Mirabelle is giving you. Your skin crawls with the discomfort of vulnerability, despite the comfort her presence brings you.
She of course doesn’t buy your weak attempt at cheer and frowns at you.
“Siffrin…”
“I’m fine, now, really,” you say, scrubbing your swollen eye with your free hand. “You can go back to bed.”
Now that you’re not crying, you can see the deep bags under her eyes. It’s clear she hasn’t been sleeping well either. That’s likely your fault too.
Everything feels like your fault these days.
“I’m not going to bed until you talk to me, Siffrin. I thought we agreed no more secrets?”
Your faux grin drops when you see the hurt look on her face. You did do that. Right after breaking free of the loops you all agreed to talk with each other more. No more secrets. No more hurting along when others could help.
You sniffle. “I know.”
“So talk to me,” she pleads. “I want to help.”
“I—“ You really don’t want to talk about it, but everyone tells you it’ll help if you do. So… so maybe this time you can try.
“I had a nightmare.” You look away, hiding your face with your bangs. “I was back in the loops. I woke up in that same blinding field and it all felt so real.”
Mirabelle stays silent while you speak, but she looks so devastated by what you’re saying.
“I-I really thought I was back and I was so scared, Mira. I can’t go through that again. I-I can’t.”
Tears blur your vision again. If you were truly returned to the time loop you think you would actually lose it. More than you already had. You’re not sure you would make it out of there alive even if you could loop back and restart. You’d just… give up.
“You won’t ever have to go back,” Mirabelle says when you haven’t spoken for a moment.
You shake your head. “You don’t know that. What if another wish sends me back? Or traps me in a new one?”
“We know how to break wishes made by wish craft now, so we won’t let you get trapped again.”
That’s somewhat comforting to hear. You’re glad they have your back, even if there is no guarantee that they could break another wish as easily as Mirabelle seems to think they can.
“Did something happen to Bonnie in your dream?”
The question makes your heart leap to your throat. Bonnie…. It’s all your fault that they got killed in that one loop. Even if you didn’t stick around to witness the entire death in reality, your mind had no problems filling in the end tonight.
You shudder, pulling your hand from Mirabelle’s grasp and wrapping your arms around yourself. It felt so real. The fear and horror of watching Bonnie being crushed to death, the pain of the King’s words. It was all so real.
“Yeah,” you finally answer. “I-I…”
You can’t say it. You can’t let her know about this specific failure. You promised you’d try to be honest but… but you can’t. It hurts too much still.
“They got lost. And I couldn’t find them.”
Sounds plausible enough, but Mirabelle furrows her brows, searching your face for hint of a lie. It’s not hard to keep your expression miserable, eyes focused on both of your hands still clasped together.
Eventually she sighs sounding frustrated. It doesn’t seem like she bought your lie.
“I won’t force you to talk about it anymore, but when you do I’ll be here, ok?”
You nod, grateful that she’s dropping the subject. “Ok.”
“Can I,” Mirabelle starts hesitantly, “can I give you a hug?”
You bite your lip in a vain attempt to stop yourself from crying again and nod. As soon as you agree, you’re wrapped up in Mirabelle’s strong arms. Her bonnet is soft and silky against your cheek as you lean into her, knocking the sides of your heads together. Your own shaking arms return the embrace, your fingers digging into the fabric of her nightgown.
You feel like crying again. How can she be so patient with you after everything? How can she still care about you?
You don’t know, but you find that in this moment it doesn’t matter. You’re just glad she’s here.
You bury your face into her shoulder as she sways you both side to side. Neither of you say anything, merely soak up each other’s comforting warm. Your heart swells with your love for Mirabelle. You feel safe in her arms.
Slowly you start to fully calm down. Your eye grows heavy with the weight of your breakdown. You slump heavily against Mirabelle and hear her giggle.
“Feeling sleepy?” She asks as she runs a hand through your messy hair.
“Mmmuhhgh,” you eloquently respond.
She laughs again and kisses the top of your head. “Get some sleep Siffrin.”
Mirabelle moves to pull away and you panic. You don’t want her to leave yet! You tighten your grip on her nightgown and whine, shaking your head.
She makes a confused sound before letting out a soft gasp.
“Do you want me to stay?” You can hear her watery smile in her voice.
You nod. You’d like that a lot.
“Ok,” she breathes, sounding almost awed. “I can stay.”
Without letting go of Mirabelle, you both settle back down on the bed. You press your head to her chest as she holds you back just as tightly. You can hear the steady rhythm of her beating heart. It’s sound proof that she is here and alive.
You sigh, content. The sound of Mirabelle’s beating heart lulling you back to sleep.