Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Oh,

Take me to a better place...with you and me only....in my arms so I can hide....by my side, with you.

I'd forgotten that I had any reason to escape.

This is how I can hide....clueless to my core, scarred, festering on the inside.

My whole life, mourning the child before the strife.

Tell me what I mean to you, how you say that it's everything to you....

I now know I mean that much, but I want hear it so much....

In magma, I was swallowed up whole. Writhing, crying, burning alive. Burning to breathe, elusive sweltering hell. Exclusively made for me.

Never a moment to stave, never to be saved. 

That same man who claimed to bring me to life...the things I truly loved, he desecrated right in front of me. Authoritarian to a prisoner.

"A foul excuse for a child."

I had 'survived'. I was not alive nor dead.

. . .

Even spoken in metaphors, I truly bled.

I want to believe it was only my head. I am forced to relive it, regardless of sleep, no sheep, regardless of what I cherished. Pining for silence.

But I...I don’t need excuses any more. 

The first, bloodcurdling scream was the only reasonable voice in my head. I was not living.

I've always known that, surely. Was a false roof really worth not dying on the streets instead?

The violated, betrayed scream. Haunting me again over 26 years later. It was you. I ruined everything. On the outside, unharmed, on the inside, untrue.

A thousand pennies for your thoughts.

Transgression. A regression so terrible, bringing the worst out of us both. I know you never wanted me to die. You do love me. How you spoke about hating yourself for your thoughts. 

In a twisted, macabre sense, if I died, would I finally find peace? 

Though neither were fully in the right...you only wanted me to be happy. But...we knew it wouldn't be in death. In confusion we shared. Lost, angry. Our minds infighting even themselves.

An outsider gave us peace of mind. The guilt was only my own, although you say you feel the same. Their altruism, that true, undying love for peace, my pitiful envy. 

Taken for granted by me...

They would've done anything to try to help. Even....fulfilling my unconsolable desire, of my own life.

Though in the end...I remain.

It was your wish....always you, who wanted the best life for me.

Your love as well.

Was I always this pathetic? Or have I only thought myself as pathetic regardless? What am I even pitiful for?

For having a heart? Keeping hope that someone would want to save me, hypocrite and all?

No, I'm not. I'm...only a living being.

Kamal...I think you know why I dedicate many things to you. My love. You know...exactly what you want. At least, when it counts. And you chose me for EARTH knows what reason. You saw life in these dastardly eyes, happiness in a tortured soul that I would never dream of seeing in a mirror.

Sure, I could compromise with myself eventually. Hopefully. But life isn't as fun without you. I don't want to be by myself.

Enigma that I am...risk taker you are.

Something only we can fix...with time. With help.

Your relief, your energy, you've put it all to me.

I'm not sure what I ever did to deserve it. And I cherish nothing more. I hope you know how much I reciprocate. How much you deserve.

For all your emotional rollerblading, your sacrifices, I dedicate myself to keeping you safe...only then, I could repay you for my respite.

For years to come, I will protect all I hold dear.

I dream of our future together.

Every morning, I shall wake, comforted by you beside me.

I want your voice to be the only thing I hear, sometimes....let me relive the first time I felt this tranquility, this pure emotion. Over and over....

In that fear I would never feel it again.

I remembered peace, joy..

Even as I hindered myself, took several steps backward, there were still people who cared.

I truly, desperately need to hear it sometimes....with you, I feel truly secure. I cannot be cured, I don't need a cure. 

I can cry, laugh, feel all these emotions so comfortably with you here, my life. I learned to live again.

Maybe it's a little dramatic....my life's solely been traumatic episodes, a drama televised lowly rated, an annoying brat of a character, shunned, berated. Aptless, mean-spirited, mediocre, endlessly never-ending. 

Though now it is no more? It is exiled? It is cancelled?

It is painless? I feel plainness? A quiet after the disaster? I have a world again. You found a patchwork heart. It was sanitized, stitched and mended by you. You have no idea how to sew, only stitch. But I love how much you care.

. . .

My smile is clean. My teeth, too.

It is my world now. What I want it all to be.

And I love you so much.

...

 Just...thank you. Forgiving me when it was difficult...you are the one person who wants to be there, and to understand me. I know you feel similarly.....yes...?

Oh. 

Of course, silly me~ Why else would you be here all along...this is no coincidence.

You crave these kisses; this tender, irresistible touch, like I do....and that, that's very precious to me.

. . .

My love.

You make me feel so comfortable….I couldn't even begin to describe how your massages feel. Haha…oh, I absorb the moment like a little sponge full of soap.~

After a hard day in the garden. Even just, in general, mm. Your touch, how I think of you so…

Ha. Oh goodness. You know by now how my life's been. Burn, after burn, after burn. An almost paralyzing heartburn with no baking soda water nor antacid around to fix it. How it seems when, if you were to take it, you'd be admitting defeat. And defeat will become your demise.

 Oh…how you help me enjoy the sweetness of life again after so many detriments of seawater salt that course through my veins, that seek to claim my life. You sedate the pain, in a significant way…

You bring me back to earth when it seems I've willfully flown into the sun. Oh, oh dear. I feel misty eyed. I hope you aren't worried.

Chapter Text

On a road trip, they go to the beach in late summer....well, not in Wyoming. Hell no. It's early October. That's....still kind of summer. Right?

Boris has a vacation house in a warmer state. (Of course he does, with that damn nepotism.)

-

Boris told him, "Bring your dandiest jumpsuit-swimsuit, darling! We're gonna warm up for the weekend!"

A grin so jovial.

"Y-Ya mean....my ONLY swimsuit?"

"Well, YAH! It's better than just getting a t-shirt and trunks you don't care about soaked, isn't it?? BESIDES, I bought that for you specifically! It's perfect! Perfectly RETRO! AND STRIPEY!" >:-D
"F...Fair."

Boris kissed his forehead and Kamal kind of blanked out from there. His head was so high in the clouds the 3 hour road trip was more like 3 minutes.

-

Kamal was having the time of life laying next to him on towels in the sand.

...

Until...he realized. The whole time, he'd been evasive about looking at him. It's actually quite normal for him, actually. Being autistic and all.

BUT, HM.

This time it seemed different. They made this whole dating thing official and all.

Boris tossed some sand at him. Kamal, of course, strikes back.

Laughter fills the setting sun's sky.

They laugh, and laugh.

And...oh my. Kamal suddenly can't cloud his thoughts.

(Oh, man. He must really like me...He looks so beautiful with his chest out.)

.....!

WHAT? HELLO? WHAT'D YOU SAY?

....

"Ah, Kamal? You stopped laughing. Is some'fink up?"

"H-Hm?"

"Everything...alright?"

....

(UM. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW. I think I'm exhausted. I mean, I am. But that's sure as hell not why I stopped laughing....)

Usually, in the past, they would laugh together for hours. Then cozy up a little. That was before crossing the lines of platonic and romantic.

Though, now...emotions are running A LITTLE high.

"I....I uh. I gotta go inside. I think I gotta call it. I'm sorta...light headed."

"Oh, should we go back?"

"U-UM....no, hold on. Could I uh...have a moment to myself? I just, hah. Y'know...just a little tired."

"Ah! Of course, dear. If anything happens, just call on me! I'll be quite alright out here." :-)

"Mmhm..."
"Kiss before you go?~"

(...Come on. You know you want to. Let yourself have this.)

"Y-Y-Yeah....."

Boris dashes over and gives him a quick peck on the lips. Kamal leaned into it...but, it was over too fast for him.

"I'll see you in a bit, dear!"

"Eehee...I'll uh. See you in my dreams."

"Ohh~? How mischeivous!! Ehehehe!"

"L-Love you. UH. HAHA. BYE."

Habit tucks his hands behind his back and smiles sweetly.

(....He could be a model. Like...for a PAINTING.

Oh, god. What is this.)

-

You big liar. How can I even sleep at night with my brain spewing random bullshit like this?

Bringing us to right now. Kamal's in a GUEST room. There's a king size bed in the master bedroom.

BUT...I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO LOOK AT IT. NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO THINK. I'M PRETTY MUCH HAVING A PANIC ATTACK. Anymore of this and you might get a gray hair! YOU JUST TURNED 35 MAN, GEEZ.

Kamal felt this overwhelming sense of dread.

It feels GROSS. Everything feels GROSS. Not because of Boris. No, never.

I feel like I need to restrain myself before I say something TOTALLY unwarranted and ruin this whole day for us.

So much is happening so fast. Kamal is overwhelmed by it. Trying to convince himself that it's okay.

...

Okay, okay. It's not the end of the world. He loves you. He wants to be with you. He knows you...and that's why he's so open with you.

I...I really, really like him.

...

Can I see him wearing less...more often?

Whoa, whoa. Is this too far for me? 

What am I doing? He could get the wrong idea....maybe. 

I mean, you've always...wanted this, haven't you? You still get nervous when he has to change clothes. You just started dating. And its not like anything gross will happen. But, but. Oh geez. Something feels so wrong when I stare at him. Uncharted territory. It's surreal having thoughts like this. Generally speaking. But it was MEGA weird then. When you were still single...or well. Not steady with him yet.

 But it is own your own terms, right? He knows you hate anything of that sort. He's repulsed by it too. It's the whole point of you being compatible together.

Is he going to feel wrong when you want to cross the boundary? I MEAN. OH MY GOD. YOU ALREADY KISSED ON 3 SEPARATE OCCASIONS.

Made out like once already. It wasn't for that long, BUT. It's not like physical touch is forbidden, what the hell!

But...Boris just gets so scared.

What if he gets cold feet when you say you wouldn't mind unbuttoning his shirt and tells you "It's not working, I can't do this---"

NO, NO. That wouldn't happen! It wouldn't, Kamal. He's...he so happy because of you. He stayed for you, man.

 ...

He's wanted to hear me say I loved him for so long. He wouldn't just....do that. He's flaky, sure, but he's never left me hanging too long. We're well past that fight.

He wouldn't leave if I said I really felt that way. Right? But he would need time. I can’t be sure if he wants to be with me like that yet.

Come on, get a grip. I think you're projecting a little. He really loves you, doesn't he? He wouldn’t just...no. He wouldn't, Kamal. You'll be fine. But this is scary. Terrifying.

You finally have your moment, and if you fumble now you'll lose him....I mean, it feels like that. But he...he really likes me.

Does he mind if I stare? That I want to tell him he's....hot? 

But in our own way? That none of these hound dogs could ever understand?

He makes me feel so warm. I want to kiss him more, in such a personal way...

I...I think I want to neck him. That's why I feel like this. And not even that much, I think. I only want to know that I can. He's so alluring...

Somehow, it feels so natural.

 I've never wanted to be so up close and personal. Oh god. I want him to know how much I want him to be mine...Can I just kiss him? I would be slow and gentle with you, Boris...You're everything to me. I'll do anything to make this feel good for you. For the both of us.

Do you know how I feel when we're in the same bed together? How I'm not scared? How much I'd canoodle you if you asked? If you let me?

 I want to hear him laugh when I kiss him, it's so thrilling. I want to tickle his heart, I want to make him blush, I really do.

….I like his curves. I love looking at him. I want his embrace. My arms, full of him. And I'll stare at him as long as he likes.

If he...really likes when I do that then, maybe I'll keep that up...

H-HUH? 

AAH! WHAT IS THIS? OH GOD, EW. THAT'S A LITTLE FAR. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING??? WHY DO I SOUND LIKE THE SCRIPT OF SOME GROSS STRAIGHT MOVIE. 

Ugh!! Not a straight movie. I don't know. I guess this is what...physical attraction is. Ugh, that feels weird. It feels like everything I've resented about a crush. But…it's not just a crush. I discovered such a different side of myself the first time he held me. This is so much more now. He makes my knees weak. He says he wants to be mine, too...he takes me everywhere now. He kisses my cheek. He plays with my hair...ah. 

It's perfect like this, too. But I want...more. I'm hooked on the feeling.

He's so...affectionate. For too long, I feel like he'd been holding it back. More-so than me. 

I'm afraid what would happen if I let loose too much. Am I really his, dead-set and seriously? Does he really, really mean it? I...really like being the big spoon. He lets me listen to his heart.

 H-He...tells me he "likes" when I touch his belly. Haha, I can't help but shiver. Why is that so enticing to me?

 And how he wants me to say "Tell me where it hurts" to him more. Oh, Boris. You and your broken heart. I'd do anything to help patch you up, you know...of course.

Then it was like he was courting me. Like, SERIOUSLY.

"Kamal, I love the way you tend to me. Did you know that? You make my tummy feel all fuzzy and happy...you give me the butterflies. Do you like to do that…? Hee hee.

You know, I got so tired of patching my self up. You're a nice change. You know how obnoxious it is for a ripped up stuffed toy to stitch itself back up, constantly? All on its own? What I'm saying is...you're so gentle. So considerate. You care so much. Everyone is lucky to be your patient...it makes me envious, I was never allowed to be healed for long.

These moments feel so personal. Interconnected. I hope you're okay with that. The way you hold me is so....transcendent. Otherworldly. And your touch...it's so healing. So please, by all means. I love you, especially when I know you're giving me your full attention. You can heal me whenever you want.~"

(...Why are you such a big flirt?)

"S-Sure. Anything you want, baby..."

How else do you respond to that?

....

I'm scared to know when's the best time. To make another move, to be upfront and honest about my feelings. I mean, it got me here in the first place, right? So…what now? How do I know when he's ready for me?

…

How do I even know what I'm ready for?

. . .

…

But…

Maybe he likes that even more than I think he's letting on…

Oh, I'm utterly giddy from the ways he's looked at me. What he says. I wonder if he's signaling me. I want to believe it.

 He...he never stopped liking that. He keeps putting me up to tasks, kind of when we were just colleagues...but this time; It's...It can become very self-indulgent.

Back then. When I accidentally gave him anchovy paste, and well, he ate too much and barfed in the bathroom. I gave him that antacid. And...he wanted me to rub his stomach.

Just last week. When he told me his stomach hurt a lot eating too many tree nuts. He ate acorns without straining or boiling the tannins first. Why is he so clumsy? Sheesh.

He's sensitive a lot. He's so accident prone, especially now.

 He kept asking for me to do this. Sometimes I think he fakes it these days. Making excuses. How long has he liked this? 

Oh god, oh god. WAIT. He's definitely trying to tell me something. Right?

SHEESH MAN, JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH. NO NEED TO PRETEND LIKE I'M "JUST A CLOSE FRIEND". YOU CAN ASK.

....

Aha...geez. He must trust me a lot....he keeps saying I'm the only one who he allows to touch like this. Why does that make me feel so needy? 

I never thought I could hunger to be touched like this. It never leaves my mind. I don't want to scare him. It feels like I'm being trusted with a prized vase...I want to know every type of care method so I don't mess it up.

. . .

I still ruminate on that first time he got high at work. What was it, 1989? He was high on something. Painkillers? Now that I think about it...this could've been the start of him hiding nitrous from me. Geez...

3 days before, in the rickety old Forsooth building.

Back there, he held me so close; because we thought we would die.

He was totally tripping out.

3 days after our near death experience, stuck in the clinic's bunker, in a gale storm.

But after that, revisiting our improved office....he, he says now how much he misses me…He always misses me. And he wants me to miss him too.

He was hiding some addiction from me, I knew it. He was not so subtle. But... he was so genuine. He seemed...lucid. A little.

He wanted me to be comfortable...he didn't pressure me...and, then....

Oh, he...he held me. So close. His hands grazed my back. For the first time. He was showing me his feelings and he didn't even know it. He pressed me to his chest. His chest. Oh my god, his chest. He felt so soft, and I felt like I was DYING.

Oh god, oh god. I felt so many things at once.

It felt so wrong to me at first because he wasn't...fully sober. But he...he told me I could do this. And I asked him later, and he didn't have memory of it. I had to lie. Drugs can make you do anything, unpredictably. I didn't want to remind him. It felt unreal to me back then.

But, not too long after, he said...if I wanted, or needed to feel safe, if I wanted to be held. He'd come running...maybe that was the first sign...or. Uh. The seventh. The thousandth? Why was I so oblivious, yet so smitten. He was RIGHT there, the whole time…

So imperfect, but so naive at the same time.

I cried so hard on his shoulder before, when he apologized profusely months ago. And after tea, Flower Kid left, because they just wanted to see us talking it out again....

I felt my feelings all at once. I never wanted to let him go. He was here, on my couch again....

Why did I ever let him go...Why would he continue living on for me, when I thought he hated me? He would have all reasons too, I ran away, I even left the state for a while. 

Why?

Why was I almost too late?

I berated myself with him as witness...I was so angry at everything, and miserable. And I felt so frustrated that he wanted to accept death. And he just....sat there and stroked my hair. I…

I felt so selfish and weird in those 3 weeks before I spoke to him again. And feeling him in my arms again? With such a mixed bag of emotions to sort out and to move past? I just...boiling down to it. His hugs...they bring me back. If he ever stops holding me, if he disappears again, I'll crumble into nothing. Can I feel nothing but this? And he won't attempt this ever again? To uselessly abuse power and attempt a cryptic mass abduction out of hopelessness of an abusive society?

That wasn't fully him. I know that wasn't just him. 

.....I missed this. I missed the real Boris. I know he was in this messed up bender, but there was so much on the inside that screwed him up. I want to keep him safe. I want him to be at peace. And I don't ever want to see that happen again...

-

Oh, oh god. I don't ever want to lose this. Doesn't he understand what he's messing with? 

Why is he so loving? I want him to tell me that I'm his. I would stop at nothing to satisfy him. 

I love his lips...I languish by his touch, his deep, hearty laughter.

 I'm so full of love and I don't know what to do with it all. Ugh, he's so warm. I want to cry. He makes it feel okay to cry.

It feels so...heaven-sent when he lays on me. Religious terms aren't enough. He's like a celestial body, he's so much more than that. I feel safe, so safe. Can he be my blanket forever?...Can I lay on him like that? Can we just spend an entire day cuddling in bed so I can feel like I mean something? Oh, I need him to know what this has done to me. How doomed I am.

It...wouldn't feel weird if I knew what he thinks. I wonder if...he thinks I'm pretty.

Like...really pretty. Like I do. He's always been, like...an adonis to me.

I want him to dip me...I want him. I want him to know everything I am.

...

My heart beats so, so fast when he's on my mind. I need this to be perfect. I need a good moment, a good feeling. I need the right time.There's no way he could disappoint me when it comes to this. Could he love me so perfectly? I want him to say what he loves about me...And I'll write it a million times on the walls of my brain with the rest of what I love.

...

Holy smokes. I've got it terrible.

Why do I feel all over the place? I never thought this could feel so wonderful.

Why does he look so good...why does he let me do this? Would he want this? He...he loves when I sit on his lap. Is it sign? Can I tell him anything I want? Can I tell him? Yeesh. I'm a huge mess. A lovestruck mess.

I just want everything to do with him. I want to kiss him until I can't feel my own face. And...and he can hold me tight. Really snug and tight, like some kinda crunch wrap. Maybe he could kiss me too, or whatever.

...I guess when you're allowed to think this way about someone, it gets out of hand.

 I never realized what having a lover could mean, beyond the innuendos I want no part in. I want to barf just thinking about that.

But I....I want to be with him like this. Because he understands me. He just wants to kiss me...and that makes me feel like my life matters. I'm not complicated. I'm not celibate, I have no religion. 

...Can humans be asexual? 

But without any suggestion of that at all? They only use that word in science to describe organisms like octopi who sometimes grow another octopus like a goddamn plant.

 We're self-aware to the point of wealthy losers dooming the earth. So yeah. I'm what ever the hell I identify as.

I think I must be "asexual". Or something more.

More than simply abstinent.

And...maybe he is like that too. I just thought I was "broken" for not liking that.

 Well, doesn't every straight or ableist bigot think that. They don't know what the hell I am, they never will. It's all me.

...Why does it...feel so enticing to see him shirtless, but if vice versa, it would feel like hell. I mean, he had top surgery and I didn't because....I'm small. And...maybe you just don't want to do that right now. Or at all. Doesn't make sense for me to.

But. With him it's different. Maybe his confidence makes me jealous. I just...I really want to be like that with him. He looks like himself. He's more comfortable with his figure now. I think he is. I...I think about it more than I want to.

It's just me and him. No one knows who we are.

And, I can stare at him in the twilight hour. Bury my face in his chest....and I'll be away from the world.

(…!)

Oh god. Oh god. That sounds selfish. And kind of risqué. But! IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE!  IT'S JUST A SHIRT, YOU KNOW. HE JUST LOOKS EVEN PRETTIER WITH HIS SHIRT OFF AND I WOULDN'T MIND IF HE NEEDED TO DO THAT AROUND ME.

....

I'm not ready. Holy SHIT I'm not ready for anything.

I need an answer. He's making me question everything and it actually feels too good.

He has to know SOMETHING. Or I might actually start crying because I have no idea what I want right now.

....I want him to know. I want his comfort. His touch.

He's the only date I've had. But he and I...we're more than simply dating. We're....something else. Something special together.

I want this feeling for as long as I live. Please. Please. I'll do anything to be his ever-lasting love, too.

I love you....

Chapter Text

"I'M SORRY! I FEEL SO WRONG! THIS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A PERV! I'M DISGUSTING!"

"K-Kamal?? I---Huh? Don't say that..."

"I CAN’T HANDLE THIS....I FEEL SO AWFUL! MANIPULATIVE! WHY DID YOU CONVINCE YOURSELF YOU LIKE ME??"

"Kamal?? Am I....Am I pressuring you? Is this not what you want? You don't have to fret, alright? We don't have to do that..."

...!

"WHA---- Boris! What are you talking about! I'm the one gawking at you! L-Like a big creep!"

Boris can't help but be a little confused.

"...K-Kamal? I don't know if I made it clear, but you...can do that, you know. I suppose a few kisses wouldn't make that clear, hee hee. But...I don't wanna stop you. You don't have to assume that everything puts me off."

"H-Hm??" 

"Kamal...I LIKE when you are looking at my body. It...It makes me feel really good. This is for your eyes. And I trust you."

"B-But. Don't you feel...wronged? Don't you hate when someone creeps on you? I mean...I do."

"W...Well, of course. But, anyone would without a general consent, I think. And...I want your eyes on me."

"AH...?"

"Don't forget to say if I'm being too forward, dear. But, you know. I want our kisses and cuddles to be...deeper. Eventually. Nothing has changed about that, that much is obvious. But by now, surely you've noticed...your closeness is just right for me. A-And I like it...Maybe too much. That is the truth."

"B-Bory....Bory...you mean it?"

...!

"You're tearing up...Oh, darling." :-(

"I...I don't know how to read you sometimes. I...I imagine you as myself, if I was in your shoes. And I-I'd...I'd never want anyone to look. Is it my own fear of brutalization? Probably..."

"Oh...are you feeling dysphoric about it all? Oh, I haven't thought about that for a while. Of course you would be scared."

"Oh, well. I'm not dysphoric about that, haha. But I can never be topless. You know how the world would perceive me, as a trans guy yourself. It's so gross. And, well. I'm saying it would be uncomfortable for me, regardless."

"Ohh...I understand. Thank you for explaining."

"I-I mean. Uhhh. I kind of. Want you to look at me like that. I-I'd wear something soft for you...just, you know. If I want you to stare, I'll tell you."

"O-OH? OH...That...that would be nice. Um, you know. If your clothes were all...soft."

"H-Haha. Did I find a weak spot?"

"KAMAL...don't be weird." >///<

"ME? PFF--- I....come on, you did ask, right?"

"I guess we've never thought to talk about this, aha..."

....

"But....Kamal. You don't...really think of yourself of all people to be a shameful "ogler" do you?

"I---! Uh!! Shoot, I forgot why I was even crying....I...I. I thought I was pressuring...you. I guess. And you...thought you had to...um. I know this was for the beach, but. I-I was scared of this day. Even when you were in a crop top I was...feeling so wrong. Even when you're my boyfriend and all, this feels....like I'm setting myself up."

"W-Why? Am I...scaring you?"

"No, no. It's not you. I just...usually, when someone takes their shirt off in a "conveniental relationship"--- I say with EXTREME eye rolling...."

(Boris suddenly giggles.)

"You know. I thought, um. It was expected to. Uh. I dunno. Maybe a little part of me thought this was going in the wrong direction. My mind's racing because of you....I-I. I wanna stare at you forever. But I feel like...so GROSS. Somehow."

"Do you feel like it's not allowed, dear? What could I do for you, my love?"

"I...I don't know how to answer that."

"Well...how can I help you feel comfortable? Mm? Is there something you want from me...?"

.....

Boris watches him blush, in stunned silence.

(Cute...so cute.)

"Kamal?~ Why don't you cuddle me? We can do that, yes?"

"A-AH? HERE? RIGHT NOW? WITH YOU? WITH YOUR----SHIRT?! OFF?!"

"Unless, um. This is a...bad idea...?"

...

Now Kamal is murmuring gibberish and smiling like a fool. He falls on his knees.

...

"Oho, goodness. Dear?"

"Y-You know. I think I'd like that. HA~HA." 😳

♡

"I....I was hoping you'd say yes. I'm glad we can. I want to calm your nerves."

"Ahhaha-HAHA....HA...YOU....UH....YOU DID? YOU DO?"

(Kamal is having trouble staying calm. He's too lovestruck.)

"Take my hand, love."

"Eehee....o-okay..."

....

"You...you wanna..you want the same things I want? You like where this is going? It's not just humoring? You wanna be serious?"

"Ah...you're asking me this now? Again? On our first vacation? As a COUPLE?"

"S...So you are serious? Y-You....would grow old with me?"

...!

"Oh....oh my. So that's what you mean. You're thinking of the future. "

"Y-Yeah. For…awhile. I mean. You do know I fell hard and fast right? Like. Embarassingly. Your looks drew me in. That's where it all went downhill, so to speak. My pride was at an all time low and I...I just thought you were too pretty for me."

"I-I am still surprised to hear you say that. When I...I feel uglier than most, you know. No one else treats me like I'm pretty...but. You...you say I'm your ideal man?"

"AH. UHM. YOU'RE LIKE MY SOULMATE. YOU'RE LIKE, MOSTLY PERFECT. YOU'RE SO SWEET I THINK IT'S KILLING ME. Aha, uh. I mean. Y'know. Maybe you scare me sometimes. Uh. UH. EVEN THAT'S KINDA.... HOT? UUHHH…I MEAN, CUTE?! (GEEZ!) ”

"Oh?~ What do you mean?" ;-)

"SHUT UP, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I'LL DESTROY YOU IF YOU TRY TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK..."

...! 

Boris kisses his forehead.

"I wouldn't do that....unless you wanted me to, darling.~"

"GEEZ, enough of that."

"Ehee...I couldn't help myself."

....

"You're not afraid of that word now? I'm hot? Hot like a shiny celebrity on Telly-vision screens? You want to call me that?" ♡

"I-I mean. Of course. It just means generally attractive...At least, it does to me...I-I mean. I'm projecting, so. I hate being called hot. I think back to some creepy frat boy catcalling me."

"Oh, no. I understand. We can shape that to our meaning, dear. And...I love it when you say it."

“Y-Yeah?”

(Boris nods with a sweet smile.)

.....

"Awha. Boris....I wanna hold you. And I...I wanna kiss you more...as time goes on. B-But...right now...can you just let me...um. Let me lay on you?"

"Yes. Yes, you can rest right here."

"Y-You’re actually letting me do this."

"You think I wouldn't?~"

....

This all feels….magical. So gratifying. Beautiful. Gosh .

"Am I really on this level with you?"

"There's nothing to fear, my love. You're my special someone, and you are someone, you know. I want to know what you like about my intimacy. So show me, if you will."

"....O-Okay. Thank you....thank you asking. For telling me."

"Of course, handsome."

[EEP.]

(Kamal squeakily laughs from the ecstasy of the situation.)

....

[Kamal can't help himself as he stares at Boris' uncovered chest.]

"Ah....you're...oh, you're pretty. Oh my god I'm losing my mind at how pretty you are. Can you tell I was holding back? For god knows how long? I don't mean just the beach. I didn't know what to say. I f-felt like I was doing something wrong..."

"You're in love. I think your-are tryin’ to say...you really like me. It's okay if you couldn't find the words for it, I was the same. In fact, I am. Hee-hee.~ You make me feel calm. And…you can get so nervous, I could never tell what was bothering you. In fact I still do. But, I must be doing something right if you want to be here....isn't that right?"

"Yeah, of course. But---Th-That's just it. I thought I wasn't meant to love. I thought I'd be chased down by gross men my whole life and I'd...die tragically alone. Kind of dramatic, huh."

“Chased…instead of pursued? K-Kamal, my goodness. You make it sound like torture.”

“At times it was….”

....

"Oh, Kamal. It's...that's a reasonable fear. I can't blame you for feeling disgusted. But I'm here for you, okay? Always. I'm relieved that you don't fear me. You deserve so much love. You're very much like me, aren't you. You are so cutesy and funny...and so pretty, yourself. So very pretty. Ohh, what a darling you are. I never liked much about myself until…now. But I do like my eyes. And I know that your eyes, they're so very pretty....like you."

"Boris...ha-ha. Stop~"

"Your face is so cute. I was scared to admit my feelings...but now...I know I love you. And you're so....kissable. Eehee."

"Aha...okay. But can you prove your theory?"

Kamal closes in on him, as his partner briefly retracts.

...Boris now has a devious looking grin. Uh oh.

"You've done it now!~"

"AAH----"

. . . 

About 10 seconds later, Kamal has a goofy dazed expression and little green kiss marks all over his face. Boris is very smug and Kamal recovers on his shoulder.

"Uhuhuhu. How's that, lily-lover?"

"HA....UH. STOP GETTING IDEAS."

"If you say so, dear." ;--)

"I might literally faint if you keep this up, HAH..."

"A-Ah, well I believe you. But I would rather you sleep peacefully on my chest..."

"....GURK."

...! 

"Are---are you alright?"

"Y-You’re kinda killing me here. Ohoho, geez. Not...not in a bad way, y'know! Just...oh my god. I never thought I-I'd...do this. Be so close to someone. Haha, I don't know what I did to deserve something so nice. I never shut up about you and I talk to myself.”

“Kamal, oh, Kamal. I could never tire of your sweet lil’ voice…”

“N-No I swear, it's embarassing. For real. I keep a diary and I can't count the number of times I've talked about you in it--- UH I MEAN---SH*T. SH*T!!"

…?

"Ah?? Y-You...you write about me?"

(Somehow, even Boris’ voice is smiling.)

"UM.....ugh. No use in hiding now. Well--- more like uh.....its...its an audio diary. I keep cassettes. And. Um. A huge chunk of it is... dedicated to how I feel about you… "

[Kamal is extremely embarrassed, as if he has admitted defeat.]

"O-Oh my! Well...I am flattered you like me this much."

"GUH. W-Whatever. You're not gonna find them, I can at least give myself the dignity of hiding places—"

"What?? Kamal! I wouldn't do that! Of course not—I wouldn't snoop! At least...not your things. ACK. I never have, I never will. I mean that. I'm sure you'd never forgive me anyway, aha."

"UM. You...you don't wanna...hear any them?"

"KAMAL. OH GOODNESS. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? You're the most secretive person I know, why are--"

"I DON’T KNOW!!! AUGH!!! I.....I just. I thought. Maybe you wouldn't. Want to hear what I wanna say to you."

"Not on a recorded private tape meant for you, dear. G-Goodness. If anyone saw my diary I swear I would...Um. Haha. Probably blackmail them."

"Boris."

"SORRY. But it is true, I mean...there's....evil things in there...and bad memories of my childhood. Don't want to look back on that."

"Oh...I mean...You're afraid of it being stolen? And you like, getting a lawsuit somehow?"

"I went on a bit of a security camera rampage, weren't you there for that?" ^^;

"Don't blackmail people...."

"I WON'T..." X--(

....

“B-But…HA. all that aside. Maybe you'd…want to?”

“It…sounds romantic. But…I'd prefer you highlighting your favorite parts. What you really want me to know.”

“Y-Yeah. Anything for you, baby.”

“Mm.~”

. . .

They spend a comfortable moment in silence.  Beach waves, waving to the setting sun in the distance.

“So....you do like this? Right? I hope you do.~”

. . . 

“I...Oh, I love it. This...this is what I've dreamed of.

You're so warm. Eeheehee....oh man, I'm too far gone.”

"That is...? Gone from what?"

"I think you're the one."

 ....!

"I...That...that makes me so happy, Kamal. You've no idea how happy that makes me. Oh, oh my.

I've always wanted to be more intimate with you. I just...u-um."

"Didn't know when the right time would be? Believe me, I...I thought you would push me away if I got closer. At least, before things got rocky."

"N-No...! Never. I mean...I thought…well I was sure you'd leave me after what I'd done. Maybe you'd still be my friend, but…Never ever so close to me like this again."

"Don't worry. I feel the same, Boris. I really do. More than you know. There's...just so much I want to tell you. You know, I....I need that cassette diary to remember it all, haha. That's why I couldn't keep that secret. 'Least not from you..."

"Then, um...I'm glad you're not the one who got away. Well...you're more than that. You're my first true friend. So much so that I...I couldn't stop thinking about you. You're such an ideal person. I wanted to be more normal, like you. Imagining you as my lover got so difficult to not think. I've thought of you as just...everything."

"You even looked up to me? G-Gosh, I just. I....WAIT. HOW AM I NORMAL? Dude, I'm a mess. And, I'm a bit of a coward...Used to be afraid of my own shadow..."

"Well I....Your life...already felt so much more normal than mine. I guess I mean. You...you've always had that look in your eyes, that I knew...you had a good family life. Your life is full of people who love you. And, sure. I have my biological uncle...my only real father figure. Parental figure at all. But you...you even get homesick. And, your homesickness. I...you know. I never really thought about what a home truly is; until it was about you. I think that means something."

"Boris....Boris, aw. You're gonna make me cry again. You've always wanted to be in my life? Even platonically, too? Aw, hehehe…You sweet little bran muffin.

Ah. Geez. Ugh...I do miss my parents. I always do. I can't help missing people. But I... I just can't see them right now. And I don't even know how I'll introduce them to you."

"Oh, goodness. I, I don't know either. I've only met your aunt. Cadie, yes? I'm afraid what she may think of me now…I'm still so sorry about that. The many regrets I still have. All the things you've seen. I made you feel abandoned when you couldn't even come home...Ugh...I...I have trouble understanding how you can deal with that about me."

"No, no, listen. I saw her, Boris. Before we reunited. She…she knows, haha. Aha…um. About us. She knew I fell for you….And about our plans. Since the beginning. We are close, after all. She was my one outside contact. A-And. She doesn't hate you, okay? But…we owe her a phone call, haha.”

…!

(Oh…That's great news. Great news indeed.)

“AH….oh. Well, um. Good. I'm glad to hear…that, at least. Oh dear. I wish you told me sooner. At least about…your family. Cadamba is so good to you, I'm sure we gave her a fright. Mostly…because of me.”

“Sorry…You never asked so um, I forgot. H-Heh.”

“Oh, Kamal….That is okay. But…what about me? What do you possibly see in me?”

. . .

“Well I, I don't have your full background of life. It's not like I didn't hold you accountable...I just.

...Y'know. I can't see myself improving if I'm not uplifting you too. You've made a big impact on me. And I prefer to keep it that way. "

....

(sniff)...

"Augh, Kamal....Sweetie pea.....You're just so beautiful. You have a beautiful brain. Thank you for never giving up on me. I...I don't know where I would be if I didn't meet you. You really are the world to me."

"B-Beautiful...Haha, beautiful brain. Of course. Where have I heard that before. You're just lovely."

"Eheee....."

...

"Did I....say that to you, before?"

"U-Uh. Haha, I think so. Two different points in time. It was a while ago. Just before things started to go horribly wrong."

"Augh, when I was high. Sorry."

"Probably. Heehee. But it's nice to hear you say your real feelings sober."

"O-Oh. Augh. How foolish I was. I should've just asked. Not...trap you with my arms like a hunting bear."

"PFFFFFF. I mean you are a---"

"QUIET..."

(They laugh in unison.)

"A-Ah, well. To be fair, I did let you. I'm not great for that either."

"I do trust you, though. I just...I wish I didn't...you know. Do that . A regular kiss on the cheek would've been...just as bad. Ugh."

"WELL, HA. You've got me wrapped around your finger anyway. Just...it was a bad time for everyone."

"R-Right. Yes. Let's go to sleep for now."

....

"I don't...like, mind if you wanna french kiss right now---"

(!!!)

"AUGH! JUST SLEEP! WE ARE NAPPING! TALK LATER!"

(Kamal agreed with him, but not before cackling.)

....

"Eeeheehee~ Love you sweetie-bee. Night night."