Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The female orgasm was something truly beautiful. It was subtle, only recognizable with words of affirmation or slight changes in their expression. It wasn’t vulgar like the male orgasm. Messy and almost shameful as it meant this part of the encounter was over. Heeseung could almost say that he liked it, at least enjoyed seeing it.
Well not with her.

She moaned loudly into the silence. It seemed exaggerated, almost fake. Her red painted lips switched between moaning and telling him to keep going harder. He followed her commands thrusting harder. She was bend over the desk. Anyone could walk into the classroom, but that’s how she liked it.
He was fully clothed, just his pants pulled down a little, while she was wearing a long skirt that was pulled upwards. Her blouse was opened and her breasts spilled out of her red bra. Moving with every thrust.

In the classroom right next to them his classmates were doing some exercises she had given them. Before asking Heeseung to help her with something outside. She always did that and nobody suspected anything. They’d joke, yeah but it wasn’t meant seriously. He was the class president and she was his teacher. Nothing could happen.

“I’m so close… keep going like this… I’m almost there.”
The moment he dreaded came close. Her orgasms were like her moans loud, put on to seem sexy, while she would sometimes directly look at him. He hated that part. It felt forced.
Still he kept going. Pace steady as he held onto her with one hand, while brushing away a strand of black hair that was always falling into his face with his other hand. Maybe he should get a haircut.

His thoughts were interrupted. The door which was slightly left open - for the thrill… her thrill, was pushed open fully now.
Heeseung halted in his movements as her moans got louder. She orgasmed. Her gaze not making it fully back to him stopped at the door. A tall figure was standing there. A boy looking directly at them for just a millisecond. Face unreadable until it turned into a grimace and he abruptly turned around and left, not making one sound in the process.

“Sunghoon..?!”, she tried to yell after him, quickly disconnecting them, as she ran to the door, skirt still up. But the other had already left, leaving them in complete silence.

_________

“Does one of you know a Sunghoon?”

They were standing behind the school building. Heeseung was leaned against the building, a cigarette between his lips. He didn’t care that the smoke was hitting the other two boys in the face. Jay was also smoking from time to time and Jungwon was too much of a pussy to say anything if it really bothered him.

Both boys were looking at him a wide grin spreading over their faces.
“Did I say something funny?“
A confused look made its way onto his face, even though he was actually annoyed. Just like always these days. But annoyance doesn’t get you far.

“No, no… it’s just surprising that you don’t know him“, Jungwon chuckled.
Heeseung raised his eyebrows as he let out another smoke.
“He’s in our class you know and if I may say so probably the most popular guy around here…”
Heeseung took his last drag from his cigarette.

“Even more popular than you.“
He put his cigarette out, before throwing it on the floor.

”Really? I’ve never heard of him.”
The black haired smiled sheepishly. It wasn’t even a lie. Before this morning he didn’t know of Sunghoon’s existence. He wasn’t an expert of psychology nor did he care for it really, but he could tell that he was odd. Odd in a way that if known wasn’t really charming. His only way of acknowledging someone was if they benefited him. Be it for his ego or any material means. Take the two boys in front of him. He knew what they looked liked, their names and that they were proud to be his friends, doing almost everything to keep it that way. That was all. All that was important.

When he had to repeat a class two years ago, everyone was obsessed with him. He knew every one of them. Depending on how persistent they were with impressing him a little more or a little less. He was never a hunter. It was humiliating in his eyes. The hunter gave their all. Their all to the prey, who didn’t even know of the hunter’s existence. Living in blissful ignorance, while someone was obsessed with them. Heeseung was the prey. The one everyone wanted. And he complied, benefiting from all the attention.

But Sunghoon? He couldn’t remember ever interacting with him. Feeling his stare on him? A shy glance? A hopeful smile? Nothing. Sunghoon seemed to never have tried, so Heeseung never noticed him.

“Yeah you two are kinda like polar opposites”, Jay began explaining.
“You’re popular because you’re nice and interact with everyone, while he is popular because he’s avoiding everyone. That makes him kinda mysterious and people love that…”
“They even call him the ice prince”, Jungwon chimed in.

What a stupid nickname.
“Wow that does sound kinda cool not gonna lie!” Heeseung brushed through his hair. They have grown a lot during the winter.
“How come you’re suddenly asking?”
Jay now looked curious.
“Don’t tell anybody but Mrs.Choi gave me a list for some field trip she is planning and as I went over it I stumbled over his name.”

They nodded understanding. Not one doubt in their mind, cause why would he lie?

_________

“Hey you weren’t in class yesterday so I took these worksheets for you.“
The air was thick as he put them onto Sunghoon’s desk. On them were all their classmate’s gazes. Heeseung smiled brightly as he returned some of them before looking down.

Disgust.
The other didn’t even try to hide it as he stared directly into his eyes, clearly disgusted.

Heeseung looked away. Only the sound of him cracking his knuckles was heard now, before whispers slowly filled the room. Everybody saw the way Sunghoon looked at him. Damage control. He needed to do damage control.

A soft smile spread onto his face.
“So if something is unclear just ask me anytime okay?”

He didn’t even wait for the black haired to answer, before slowly moving to his seat in the front. All their gazes were still on him but it quickly died down as the math teacher made his way into their classroom.

Sunghoon was harder to crack than expected and if he kept on looking at Heeseung like that, the others would grow suspicious. With the math lesson already forgotten he started to think. He needed to make sure the other would shut his mouth. His reputation was on the line. Something needed to be done. Even if it meant to discard his very own principles.

______

Following Sunghoon at break time was a challenge, caused by various factors. Sunghoon was the first one to leave the classroom, everyone else seemed to make their way to Heeseung trying to chat him up, the teacher wanted to have a quick conversation with the class president and Jungwon and Jay waited for him expecting gazes adorning their faces. After overcoming all these challenges there were only 5 minutes left and Sunghoon was nowhere to be seen.

____________

As soon as the last class ended he jumped up, his stuff already pre packed. Not even a goodbye to his friends or a glance to Mrs. Choi who had avoided looking at him for the whole lesson. His priority? Talking to Sunghoon alone. He ran down the stairs and after him. Even though he had made all these preparations the other was still far ahead of him. Running as if his life depended on it. Mindlessly Heeseung followed, not sure where to. He didn’t even know if Sunghoon was from here. This village was actually one of the bigger ones around and therefore the only one to have its own school, meaning that many students were actually from the smaller surrounding villages. Heeseung hoped he didn’t have to follow Sunghoon to one of the more secluded villages, he had never dared to step foot in.
Just as the thought crossed his mind the other stopped running. They had reached the big fields where the farmers grew a few of their earnings. Separating the fields was a small path, on which Sunghoon was now walking. Heeseung who was still running finally reached him. “Are you trying to….”, Heeseung had to catch his breath.
“to run a marathon?”

Sunghoon visibly flinched before looking beside him, where Heeseung was now walking, a grin plastered on his face.
The other stopped in his tracks his face again showing nothing but distain.
“Leave me the fuck alone.”
His voice was surprisingly quiet for its content, almost like a whisper.
“I just thought you and I could talk a little.”
They were standing in the middle of the fields no one around them, the afternoon sun high in the sky hovering above them. The only witness of their conversation.
“I have nothing to talk to you about.”
The pale boy started walking again and Heeseung did the same.

“Yeah well I thought we coul-“
“I don’t care about you and the teacher”, Sunghoon interrupted him, again stopping while his gaze was fixed onto the others .
Heeseung smiled innocently.
“What are you talking about?”
“I don’t have time for this bullshit! I know what you’re trying to do. I saw you two fucking and I won’t tell anybody, cause I couldn’t care less. Now leave me alone.”

They were now facing each other completely. As Heeseung studied the other’s face. Dark eyes, filled with so many emotions, while his features remained neutral. Cold. It was almost summer but Heeseung was freezing under his gaze. He wanted to wipe the arrogance out of his face.
“Well… if we’re being so honest…” His smile fell, no need to act all friendly anymore.
“I don’t care if you go around and tell everybody… it’s just your face…”
A condescending smile now made its way onto his own face.
“You look at me like I killed someone, also when you saw us that weird face you made… what is it? Are you jealous?“

He stepped closer to the other now hovering over him before leaning forward to his ear.
“You wish that was you fucking her huh?”
His lips were now brushing his ear.
“It’s pathetic.”
As soon as he had uttered these word, Sunghoon moved away from him. Faster than his brain could comprehend he suddenly lushed out and punched him directly in the face.
Losing his balance Heeseung fell to the ground a sound of surprise leaving his mouth. Immediately holding his nose in pain. He looked up to see Sunghoon standing above him. The sun shining directly onto his face making it hard to make out his expression. He could only see his eyes. They were widened.

There was this warm and sticky feeling on his hand. He slightly lifted it from his nose to look at it. His palm was covered in blood. Shocked he slowly looked at the floor. The blood was dripping now. No coherent thoughts could form in his mind. The numbness took over as Sunghoon’s eyes morphed into lighter ones, maliciously staring back at him. They were taunting him and he let them. Now again looking at all the blood dripping onto the ground and his cloths. There was nothing but these eyes. After a few seconds he looked up. No one was there. Sunghoon wasn’t there. Hadn’t been there for a while. It was him alone. Just him and the bright sun.

_______

It was a rainy day. Rain always made him think about a poem he heard once. Unclear where he had heard it, by whom it was written or how it really went, he could only recall one line of it. A line he spoke to himself every time it rained. An odd little habit, of which he didn’t know when and how it had started.

“Remembering again that I shall die. And neither hear the rain nor give it thanks,” Heeseung mumbled to himself as he made his way to school without an umbrella. A bandaid, that was poorly put on, adorned his swollen nose and dark circles his eyes. It was a terrible start to the day and still his body followed its usual routine leading him to school.

The day itself wasn’t as bad as the morning. It kept on raining but at least he was now in the dry. Plus everyone was focused on his injury. And when he told them that he had gotten it by falling down, rushing to run home to help his sick father, everyone pitied him. He truly enjoy it. Even Mrs. Choi asked him about his injuries, taking him aside to the nurses room at the start of the break, to properly put on the bandaid and kiss his nose, to which he grimaced. They didn’t talk about Sunghoon, but he could sense how careful she was being, not trying anything as she let him go directly after finishing up with the bandaid. He still had 15 minutes of his break and a smoke was everything he wanted right now. He hadn’t slept that night, his thoughts racing and his nose hurting. The stress was building up.

Smoking was prohibited on the school grounds as much as leaving the school ground itself was. Deciding to break both rules, he simply jumped over the fence, which was a comedically small height. Not wanting to get caught he made his way to the back of the building, where he would often times smoke after school or at break time when he really needed to de-stress. Just like now. What he saw as he reached the back however made him grin. Leaned against the wall, like he himself did more often than not was the one person he had actually ignored completely today. Sunghoon had a book in his hand and seemed to be completely focused almost peaceful.

“What do we got here?” Sunghoon flinched hard, before quickly looking up and directly at him. And mere seconds after realizing who it was, he was rolling his eyes. The sarcastic grin on Heeseung’s face got wider, as he put two hands up. “Woah woah don’t look at me like that… I swear I didn’t follow you to talk about your jealousy problem again…” The prospect of getting hit again wasn’t far fetched and still Heeseung couldn’t stop. He wanted to get under the other’s skin no matter how. To his surprise Sunghoon let out a chuckle, before shaking his head. “Believe me I’m not jealous.”

With raised eyebrows the taller one made his way next to the other, also leaning against the wall now, being safe from the rain thanks to the roof, which was a little extended at the sides . “Well why’d you punch me Rocky?“ He pointed to his nose, almost as if the other could have forgotten. No answer was heard from him for a while as he simply stared at the grey sky, the book still in his hand.

“Whatcha readin’?”
With a sigh he held up the book.
“The stranger? By… Albert Camus?”
Heeseung thought for a second.
“Existentialism?”
The other shook his head now looking at him seemingly for the first time today. His gaze was scanning his face, as he halted at his nose. Gaze neutral. Heeseung just let him.

“Absurdism,” Sunghoon mumbled after a while now looking away from his face. Heeseung nodded slowly, as they stayed quiet for a while. The soft sound of the rain was all that was heard. He looked at the slim boy, whose gaze was still transfixed onto the sky. He was wearing a grey hoodie unlike him who was simply wearing a black shirt. Unlike him the other probably wasn’t cold right now.
If to speak on the others character and behavior he didn’t get the interest the others had in him, but purely based on his appearance he started to get it the longer he looked at him.

He was beautiful in an evocative way. In others it seemed to evoke intrigue, making them want to get to know him.But in Heeseung it only evoked a deep urge to destroy it, to make it unrecognizable and leave it to die. That was the kind of beauty the other obtained. It had the capability to make one angry and bitter.

“So if you aren’t jealous, why did you look like that? Are you a virgin?“
With eyes full of annoyance the other looked at him.
“I don't see what that would have to do with anything.“
“Maybe it was your first time seeing people having sex and like a child your first impulse is to feel disgusted?“
A playful smile formed on his lips as he looked at the other, not expecting the words that would come out of his mouth after.

“It was indeed my first time seeing someone my age fucking an old woman.“
The smile adorning his face fell, a thin line taking its place.
“What are you talking about. She isn’t that old only 52.“
She’d always bring up her age. Always in a vulgar and almost grotesque way. Talking about his age and comparing it to hers, while he was deep inside her.
Now it was Sunghoon who had a mocking smile formed on his lips, while he himself cracked his knuckles, irritated by the other’s demeanor. Again with his arrogance.
“Do you even listen to yourself? Cause exactly! She is 52 years old and you are her underage student. It’s disgusting, but you’re too far up your own ass to realize.“

”I’m almost 18 and she doesn’t force me. I want to do it. I want to…“ He remained silent. What exactly did he want.
“It doesn’t matter. There’s a name for this: ‘Grooming’ and you’re her little victim. You could be her son for god’s sake.“
He stayed quiet. The rain again the only audible sound. Its calming qualities completely lost as it only angered Heeseung more. Why did it have to make a sound?
“I know what I’m doing and it got fucking nothing to do with you? I don’t need your pity.“

He looked at the other who was looking back at him. His face must have been the most beautiful thing about him. The pale skin, in contrast to the thick dark eyebrows, making his dark eyes more prevalent topped off with these little moles sprinkled across his face, soft pink lips. He wanted to throw up.
“Believe me, you’re the last person I'd pity. And if you wouldn’t have been so reckless it indeed wouldn’t be my business but here we are.“
Heeseung chuckled. It was a deep chuckle.
“Okay.“
The pale boy looked at him almost perplexed.
“Okay?“
He nodded.
“Yeah… as long as you don’t go around and tell…“
Heeseung shrugged his shoulders.
“I couldn’t care less about your opinion.“

”Well as I already said, you don’t have to worry about that. As disgusting as you and your little tryst with the teacher is, I didn’t plan on telling others about it or talk to them at all for a matter of fact.“
„What? You think you’re better or something,“ Heeseung joked a teasing grin forming on his lips, but after a quick pause the other nodded slowly.
“Matter of factly, yes. I think I’m better than any individual in this terrible town.“

It didn’t sound like bragging, but more like a simple statement. The neutral gaze and tone in which the other said these words underlying the seriousness of it. Heeseung brushed through his hair, staying quite for a moment, before looking at the other.
“Me too. But I don’t think it. I know it. I know that I’m better than each and every one of them.“
It was small but it was there. A smile had formed on the other’s lips. A real one. Not mockingly nor sarcastic, but rather understanding. It was surprising, but he would be lying if he said he hated it. He looked away.
“Well what do we do now?“

The smile was gone as fast as it had come, his neutral face features returning, still with a hint of confusion, as to what Heeseung meant.
“Huh?“
Heeseung leaned to the side, now fully facing the other, who only had his face turned to look at him.
“Well we both think we’re the best. So who’s in the right now?,“ he answered a challenging look on his face.
“Personally I think tha…“, Heeseung was interrupted by the bell, with his confusion written all over his face he turned around to look at the school bell. He really had forgotten for a moment where they were. Sunghoon pushed himself off the wall, seemingly wanting to make his way back. But he paused for a moment, looking at the other.
“I guess that’s just a matter of different opinions.“ With that he walked off, leaving a grinning Heeseung behind.

His gaze followed after him, until he couldn’t see him anymore. He also started to move. The rain had yet to stop but it had gotten a lot better and still he took his sweet time as he was making his way back. But as he put his hands into the pockets of his pants he realized something: He had forgotten to do the sole thing that had made him come all the way here and still….
His nose didn’t hurt as much as before.

Chapter Text

„You’re stupid. You’re just so fucking stupid.“
Heeseung rolled his eyes, while resting his head against the wall.
“I don’t get the fuss. I was just stating my humble opinion.”
“Your humble opinion is trash”, the other mumbled while looking down at him. Heeseung was currently sitting on the floor, looking up at the other, who almost frantically paced around. “Okay Einstein tell me where I went wrong.”

Sunghoon sighed deeply, making him grin.
“That’s the problem idiot. There is no right or wrong. We’re discussing over semantics!”
He shrugged his shoulders.
“I still think letting the five people get run over by the trolly in this hypothetical situation is the right choice. The trolly was heading towards them to begin with, so why play god?”
“Still there is no right answer an-“
“But if there was i-“, he tried to interrupt before getting interrupted himself.

“I swear to god if you don’t shut up, I’m gonna murder you. There is literally no right answer! That’s why it’s called ‘The trolly problem’ and not ‘The trolly solution’, plus most of the population would disagree with you and pull the lever you psychopath!”
“Well good for them but then they’d kill an innocent person who wasn’t even involved in the first place”, he fired back slowly getting annoyed.
“Well how innocent and ‘uninvolved’ can he be when he’s literally bond to the tracks in the first place?”

Now it was Heeseung rolling his eyes. At this rate they could be arguing for hours but he grew a little tired of it, so he decided to propose a simple question.
“Okay so would you pull the lever then?”
Sunghoon stayed quiet for a moment, in the distant one could hear the other students enjoying their break, while he had to sit there, having silly discussions over hypothetical situations.
“I don’t know honestly. I think…”
He stayed quiet again, as he slowly sat down beside him, leaving enough space between them, that a whole other person could fit there.
“I would just act on mere impulse.”
“So you’re indecisive, but are bullying me about my answer, got it!”
Sunghoon just rolled his eyes choosing not to entertain the other’s accusation.

They stayed silent for a while. The sun shining brightly. He couldn’t wait for the summer to finally come. His gaze slowly moved and stopped at the pale boy beside him. Would his skin darken in the summer? He couldn’t stop eyeing him, still not fully adapting to their… their… whatever this was. They weren’t friends by any means. Whatever it was, that they had was categorized through their shared dislike for each other. Still for the past three weeks he had spent every break with the other, while the latter simply let him. He was even lying to his friends about having to do class president stuff. Something about their dynamic just worked and he knew that it would be destroyed with others around. With Sunghoon he simply didn’t need to pretend, which was the reason why he kinda enjoyed hanging out with him. Even though he couldn’t stand him and they’d always end up arguing. There was something so peaceful about not having to constantly smile and be nice.

He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket, before he lit it and started smoking. Feeling the stare of the other he slowly turned around. A slight frown was visible on his face.
“What? Anti-smoking? Or are you concerned for my health?“
„I couldn’t care less about your health. If it were up to me, you could simply die,“ he started, while looking at him. Heeseung just lifted his brows as he took another drag, blowing it directly into the other’s face, who was frowning even more now.
“I simply can’t stand the smell.”
He covered his nose, clearly disgusted. The taller one had to grin. “You’re such a child”, he simply fired back, enjoying his smoke in silence.

___________

“Heeseung I need to discuss something important with you, would right now work?”
There was something in her eyes, he couldn’t really deter. It was uncomfortable, but he nodded slowly, as he stood up and went to her desk. No one seemed to mind, all of them were engaged in the exercise or quiet conversations.

“Let’s discuss this elsewhere. I don’t want to disturb the class.”
Once again, he could do nothing more than to nod slightly.
“Listen everyone I need to quickly discuss something with your class president. In the meantime finish the exercise and after we’ll discuss it together! And please keep as quiet as possible if you finish early.”
Some people nodded, some didn’t even look up from their exercise, while others didn’t even listen, but he knew that she didn’t care. Her hungry eyes, focused on him. Solely on him before adjusting her gaze and walking to the door, gesturing him to follow.

As he did his gaze wandered around the class room and stopped, as if he had searched for him, on the pale boy, who was sitting in the last row all by himself. Their gazes met and there it was again. He knew of the other’s opinion regarding his “relationship” with Mrs. Choi, even had told him that he didn’t care about it. And still he had to look away. Still feeling the other’s eyes on him. Judging him silently. With his head straight he followed her, leaving the room.

His thoughts kept wandering while doing it. Not being able to focus on her. She didn’t mind or matter of factly realized, too lost in her own pleasure. It was hard to focus, when Sunghoon‘s face filled with disgust was all he could picture. But he didn’t care what he thought. He really didn’t.
Still he didn’t meet him that day at break time, couldn’t bear to look into his eyes. Were they filled with disgust, judgement, disappointment? Not wanting to deal with it, he spend the break alone.
_____________

“You know you could actually have a lot of friends if you’d tried a little.”
Lazily the other moved his head just a little bit to look at him.
“You mean like yourself?“
Heeseung nodded.
“Well how many friendships do you have to show for.”
“I’m friends with almost everybody in class, plus my class prior, well and then the people you meet outside of… hmmm.” He started to think for a moment. “I would say over 50 at least.”
“You have over 50 people who you’d call a friend?”
He nodded again.
“You must use the term pretty loosely then.”

Heeseung chuckled.
“How’d you describe friendship then?”
He looked at the other, who was sitting beside him. In his usual position - if the weather and his mood allowed, at their usual spot. Sunghoon didn’t say anything for quite a while, making him almost think that he didn’t hear him.
“Well… Kierkegaard said-“
“I’m not asking about Kierkegaard, I’m asking about you.”
The other’s gaze met his. Quietly they were looking at each other. The other bit his lips, causing his gaze to follow. Only for a short moment. After that his gaze went back to the other’s eyes.

“I think…”, Sunghoon broke the silence almost in a whisper.
“…that friendship is two or more people bound by different factors… uhm like… interests, morals, spatial proximity…?” It sounded more like a question than a description.

“You sound like an unsure dictionary”, Heeeseung simply stated, as he averted his gaze now looking at nothing in particular.
“I enjoy my solitude what can I say.”
He shrugged his shoulders, at least that’s what Heeseung assumed, as he still wasn’t looking at him completely, only slightly registering the movement.
“Hmmm…”
“What?”

He looked at him again.
“But you hang out with me though.”
A grin formed onto his face. The other’s reputation was an omnipresent force in his mind. How would the others react if they’d knew that the ice prince had a wide range of emotions to show? From annoyance, to disgust, to mocking. Emotions that seemed to be reserved only for him.
With a simple eye roll he answered, leaving them in silence for a while. There were often moments like these between the two. Heeseung normally hated it with others. It made him feel exposed, almost as if they’d be able to look into his being. It felt like being completely naked in front of someone. It was uncomfortable. But between the two of them it was bearable, in a strange sense, even liberating.

“So now tell me, why don’t you want to befriend anyone?”, he decided to break the silence, his curiosity sparked.
Sunghoon’s head was leaned against the wall, his eyes closed as he was seemingly thinking about the question. He truly looked magical in this moment. Heeseung had to avert his gaze.
“Kierkegaard viewed a friend as a ‘second self’ in other words…”
He’d let him quote his philosophers this time, interested in where this would go.
“… friendship depends largely on how similar you are to each other or at least pretend to be.” He looked at him for the last part and Heeseung returned the gaze, knowing exactly what the other was insinuating.
“Well and I.. well I…” He opened his mouth, but closed it shortly after, while the taller eyed him. He was obviously thinking.
“I just don’t… honestly I don’t think I would want to be friends with myself.” He spoke these words with such sincerity that Heeseung didn’t know how to respond. With others, he would have given them a smile and said a few words of encouragement about how great they supposedly were, but… Sunghoon wasn’t the others, as he came to realize. He didn’t feel like throwing some empty courtesies at him.

Their usual quietness set in. A minute turning into two and three until they sat in silence for 5 minutes.
“You know…”, Heeseung started hesitantly as he carefully looked at the other, who was again returning his gaze.
“If I remember right Kierkegaard was a hardcore Christian, who viewed sex and friendship as sins, that should be replaced with the holy love for god.” His typical grin formed onto his lips, masking his fear of saying the wrong thing.
“So I don’t get how you would take friendship advice from this weirdo.”
Sunghoon smiled, not having the heart to tell the other that he wasn’t quite right. And that was all it took for Heeseung to know he said exactly the right thing.

__________

“That’s actually crazy! I’d never guess that. I always thought she only saw him as a friend!”
Jay nodded, with as much enthusiasm as Jungwon while reacting to the news of two of their classmates hooking up. The village was bigger than most others in the surrounding area and still everyone knew almost everything about everyone. He had learned quickly, to keep important information to himself.

They didn’t hang out in their breaks anymore, since Heeseung was always “busy”, but still got together after school everyday. Hanging out at their place, behind the school. At first it was weird for him. Spending his breaks with Sunghoon there, listening to the other’s philosophical rants, before they were at each other’s throats, throwing insults at each other, just to end up spending his afternoon at the same place, being put on a pedestal and gossiping about others. But he slowly got the hang of it. Or so he thought. Jay was currently recounting every bit of information he got on the “new couple”, while Jungwon was listening interested, sometimes glancing at him to see his reaction, to which he simply smiled or acted all shocked.

But if he was being honest, he was bored out of his mind and putting up with this was getting harder and harder every day. His mind was drifting to a certain pale boy. What was he doing right now? After school he was always the first one to rush out, not even a glance back. The memory of the first time they talked, as he had followed the other, ending with him getting hit in the face, suddenly made its way into his mind. It had already been over a month. He leaned his head back to let the smoke out into the air, before holding the cigarette with his teeth, while carefully touching his nose. It had healed just fine. No trace of the other’s violent outburst.

“You okay?”
Quickly he was brought back to reality, as both their eyes were now on him.
“Huh? Uhm… yeah sorry.. I was just thinking…”, he mumbled, forcing another smile out, before taking the cigarette between his fingers again to keep on smoking. Trying to ignore the small thought that was creeping up on him.

I wish the idiot was here.

_____________

“Why do you always rush out when class ends?”
The dark eyes of the other followed him, as he was walking back and forth. He was currently smoking, while Sunghoon was seated on the floor looking up at him.
The neutrality in his gaze seemingly getting a little lost, as he had to look up. It was almost cute.
“I need to get home fast.”
“Why?”
He didn’t answer and that was that.

__________

Heeseung didn’t live far from the school. It was a 15 minute walk and with his bike, he was able to cut up to 8 minutes. The way back though took him almost an eternity. He would lose track of time, get distracted by everything around him or try out new routes, just to buy himself some time. It was never enough though.
Their house was dark, curtains always closed so no one could look inside. When opening the door you were directly greeted with wooden steps that led upstairs, to his room on the left and his mother’s room on the right. If everything went well, he would sneak straight into his room, after arriving at home. Often times the creaking sound of the front door, would give him away however. His mom would come to the door. And with the same tired smile as always, she would say the same words: “How about keeping your father a little company hmm?”
It was the only time, where he would enter the living room, sitting on the couch, looking at nothing. Everything in there made him remember. He could hear him struggling to breathe, as he simply laid there. Eyes open. Not being able to focus them on anything. Still Heeseung felt, as if they were on him, watching him with every move. His fathers light brown eyes were following him, even in his dreams.

____________

“What’s the difference between absurdism and existentialism?”
The pale boy looked up from his book - The trial, by Kafka, an almost perplexed look on his otherwise neutral face. They sometimes had days where they would sit in silence together. Him smoking, while the other would read, both enjoying the quietness, without being alone.
“The first time we met here, you read a book and told me it was absurdism and not existentialism. I tried to look up the difference but I didn’t get it. I even feel like I get existentialism less now. I always just kinda assumed it was fancy nihilism,” Heeeseung began to further explain, while the other slowly put his book aside.

He stayed silent, tilting his head a little to the side, as Heeeseung could do nothing but watch him closely. At the beginning of their hangouts he simply assumed he would get used to the other’s gut wrenching beauty. But in fact it only had gotten worse. Finding more and more beautiful things about the other, he hadn’t noticed before, like the dimple on his cheek, only visible in the rare moments, where the other would smile, the way his long and slender hands would hold onto a book or how he would lick his lips, sometimes while thinking.

“You looked up philosophy? To understand what I’m talking about?“
He nodded, not even understanding the question really.
“Of course. I always do that or how do you think I’m able to keep up in our conversations?”
Sunghoon smiled, his dimple showing again. Heeseung decided this time not to look away, completely mesmerized by the sight. It was truly unfair, how beautiful the other was.

“Okay you need to imagine it like this. There is nihilism above all, basically stating that life is meaningless”, he began to explain, as he leaned forward. Heeeseung did the same, listening intensely what the other was saying, nodding at every other word he would say. He didn’t look at him though, knowing that it would only distract him.

After the throughly explanation Heeeseung nodded slowly.
“So if I got it right existentialism believes that life is meaningless too, but that meaning can be created by the individual, while absurdism focuses more on the conflict caused by humans’ innate desire for meaning and the universe’s indifference towards us?” The other nodded. “Wow that actually makes sense,” his eyes searched the other’s. They were now again looking at each other, both leaned forward a little.
“You’re really good at this you know…”, he almost whispered eyes still on the younger.
“Good at what exactly?“
“Explaining philosophy. You could really be a-“

He got interrupted by his phone ringing. Confused he reached into his pocket. It was unusual for him to get called, especially at this time plus with the bad connection present most of the time. It was something you got used to after a while of living in the village. A look at the caller ID, intensified his confusion, before he slowly picked up. The other had leaned back again and was looking at him.
“Hey?”, he mumbled, before hearing a familiar voice. She sounded disturbed, making it hard to make out what she was saying.
“What? I don’t understand you, please calm down.” She was crying hysterically, he felt the wave of fear creeping up on him, as he tried his hardest to understand .

Until he finally did.
“Oh…”
He didn’t know what face he was making right now, not even sure what exactly he was feeling. He looked at the sky. It was clear. She was still speaking her voice getting angrier now.
“No I… sorry”, he mumbled, as she was full blown screaming at him by now. He cracked his knuckles, nodding along to her screaming even though she couldn’t see, probably wouldn’t even care if she did.
Minutes passed with her still screaming and crying and him not even understanding half of it.
“Let’s talk about this when I’m home… what? Okay… where exactly? okay… I’ll try… yeah yeah… okay…”

After what felt like an eternity he finally hung up, letting out a deep breath. Looking down on himself, he only realized just now that he had stood up, probably even paced around while talking. His gaze went to his phone again reading the time. Quickly he turned around, to see Sunghoon standing there, gaze fixed onto him.
“Did the bell already ring?”
The pale boy looked at him for a second, studying him closely. He looked away.
“Yeah…”, he pause for second, before speaking again.
“Are you… are you okay?”
He looked up at the other and there he saw it. It felt familiar and warm. A distant memory. Worry.
He swallowed. Was he okay? He didn’t know. What did he look like right now? Everything felt numb.

“My dad just died…”
There it was he had said it. Sunghoon’s eyes widened as he stayed quiet, still intensely looking at him. His shook didn’t seem to last long though. His expression turning unreadable.
“My condolences… but…”
He looked unsure whether to say what was on his mind or not, but seemingly decided to just say it.

“You don’t seem sad… you’re smiling.”

Chapter Text

He didn’t like kissing. It combined in fact many of the things he didn’t like in the first place. With it being kinda sticky, too warm and uncoordinated, he was more than content with the fact that Mrs. Choi and he didn’t kiss. It simply wasn’t the kind of relationship they had. Still, he had kissed his fair share of girls in the past. Frankly never getting the appeal. Never longing for it. With sex he at least got a sense of primal pleasure out of it, but kissing did nothing for him. It purely left him feeling disgusted.

Heeseung was currently kissing Kim Min-jun. A girl from their class. She had asked to talk after school and he simply agreed, ignoring the knowing looks of his friends. Her shy confession in an empty classroom they had found, did nothing for him, kinda annoyed him as she stumbled over her words. Still he gave her a smile, took her hand into his and kissed her. He didn’t know why exactly. These past two months were to simply put it weird. The summer had hit harder than expected, the exam season was right around the corner, he actually had to plan a lot of stuff as a class president, since the year was coming to an end, his dad was still dead and his mom still hated him for not being sad enough.

Making out with Min-jun wasn’t the cure for his problems, he wasn’t foolish enough to think that, but he guessed that a little distraction didn’t hurt. That was at least until she looked him in the eyes and declared shyly that they were together now. His eyes widened, his first instinct was to instantly deny it but as he thought about it, he did something that even surprised himself, by answering with a yes. Meaning he had a girlfriend now.

__________

“I have a girlfriend now.”
He didn’t know why exactly, but he felt like he had to tell the other.
“Yeah… I’ve heard”, Sunghoon mumbled, eyes closed as he had leaned his head against the cold wall. It was way too hot.
He settled his curious gaze on him.
“Where?”
After slowly opening his eyes, he simply shrugged his shoulders.
“People talk. Not to me, but around me and I have ears…”
“Ah…” He nodded understandingly, before looking down.

Something had changed. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it but it definitely had happened. If someone had asked him what he thought of Sunghoon two months ago and if he would have answered truthfully, he probably would’ve told them that the other was annoying, arrogant, only a pretty face, with zero personality, who had nothing really to offer. If he would’ve been asked today however he would promptly answer -again under the assumption that he was truthful for once in his life, that the other was a nerd with too much philosophical knowledge, socially awkward, had a dry sense of humor, was really indecisive, very honest, would shyly smile at compliments, hide his face sometimes when laughing, was way too passionate in discussions, was a sore loser…it was safe to say that they’d probably have to stop him at some point, as he would keep on going and going, unbeknownst to him that a small smile was plastered onto his face.

He had learned a lot about Sunghoon, especially after his father’s passing, as he used this opportunity to actually spend even less time at home than he had done before, sometimes even accompanying the other on his way home, when neither Jay nor Jungwon had time to hang out after school, since they had to prepare for the upcoming exams. Heeseung would run after the other, knowing his way around roughly until he would catch up to him. He didn’t like the idea at first, but let him, after some convincing, accompany him up to the big old birch tree, where they would part ways. They talked about everything: school, hobbies, stupid fun facts and philosophy of course. Not only did he learn a lot about the shorter one, he himself actually started to open up more. He started to tell him things he had actually never told anyone before, for example that he hated potatoes or that he couldn’t swim. They didn’t talk about family related stuff though and he truly appreciated it. His family problems were his business and his business only, which the other seemed to understand quickly, not asking about his father again, not even mentioning him and in return, he did the same. They understood each other. No words needed. Sunghoon was the only one who got him in a weird kind of sense and he got him, which was why his reaction to his grand reveal surprised him.

“What no jokes about her having lost her mind, or you judging me, or being annoyed that I told you such an unnecessary info?”, he nervously joked, while nudging the other’s side, but the latter just looked at him for a moment, before looking away. They stayed quiet. Something was wrong.
“What about the teacher?”
Heeseung was confused. They didn’t talk about this topic either. Knowing about their clashing opinions, it was merely pointless. So the other bringing it up was extremely weird.
“Mrs. Choi? What about her?”
He rolled his eyes and he had to grin, that was the Sunghoon he knew.

“Are you still fucking the teacher?”
He looked away, biting his lip, as he slowly had to nod, quietly admitting to it. He did. In fact he had slept with her just this morning, right as the first lesson had been about to start.
“You have a girlfriend.”
His gaze moved to the shorter boy, who was looking into the distance. Something had changed. There were small drops of sweat dripping from his chin, that he would sometimes try to wipe away with his hands, but it didn’t help. It was simply too hot.
“I don’t love her”, he mumbled into the silence. He needed to clarify it. Needed the other to know. He didn’t love Min-jun. Simply couldn’t love her.
“Well why is she your girlfriend then?”, he asked calmly, eyes now again on him, a small smile plastered onto his face. It didn’t let his dimple show. It wasn’t sincere. He hated it. After having seen his real smile, he had become greedy. But he could do nothing to change it, gaze slowly dropping to the ground.
Why? He had no answer.

____________

Min-jun talked a lot. He liked that, since that meant he didn’t have to kiss her that often. Even though he didn’t enjoy her company that much, she brought a big benefit with her. She was extremely clingy. Well and since she couldn’t spend their breaks with him, as he was always so “busy with class president stuff”, they would compensate it by hanging out after school. For hours. Even on days where Jay and Jungwon actually had time, they would just spend it as the four of them. She was funny and awesome to hang out with, was what his two friends would say at least, as he was forced to agree. In his opinion she was a little too energetic, too smiley and just to simply put it, boring.

“I literally thought I was dying of laughter!!” They were all laughing. He didn’t get what exactly was funny about her words, as he laughed.
“Wow they’d probably call you chrysippus after”, he jokingly added.
All eyes were on him.
“Who?” She looked truly confused, just like the other two.
Heeseung scratched the back of his head.
“Ah well.. uh, he was a stoic, who is rumored to have actually died of laughter.”
She nodded slowly. “Oh.. cool”, she smilingly said, before keeping on with her story.

Even after his friends had to leave, she would want to keep hanging out and Heeseung complied, not wanting to go home. To her. They would mostly hang out at her house, which was weird to him at the beginning, since he met her parents after being in a relationship for three days, but they were like her energetic, excited and disgustingly nice.

“I would love to hang out at your house one day.”
They were sitting in her room. It was big and cozy. Her bed easily big enough to fit the two of them. Her walls were painted in a pastel yellow with many fotos of friends and family adorning her wall.
“But I get why I can’t at the moment… you know…”, she started, fidgeting with the hem or her shirt not even looking at him, he supposed that the right thing was to hold her hand, which was what he did. She looked up, a soft smile plastered on her face, which he tried to return.

“Many people were angry with me for confessing to you… because of your dad’s passing… but I really couldn’t hold it in any longer… I thought you know… after two months…” She broke herself off.
“…cause I…. I really think I’m in love with you…”, she mumbled shyly, while squeezing his hand a little tighter. Her face turning a dark shade of red. He was taken aback. It was one of the rare occasions, where he had literally no clue how to act. Love was a terrible word, with no consistency. It made people cruel, the same way it gave people the power to completely change for the better.

Lying directly to other people’s faces, was a normality to him, with Sunghoon being the exception at most, but everyone had a limit and love was his. What he did wasn’t better than lying and telling her he loved her however, as he slowly leaned forward and kissed her, despising himself, as she happily kissed him back.

____________

Sometimes he would directly sleep at Min-jun’s place. It was easier that way, as he didn’t have to make it all the way home at such late hours. After her confession though, he knew he had to leave. It was getting way too real way too fast. Still he made sure to take as long as possible on his way back. For once to clear his head and secondly to avoid his mother.
As he arrived home everything was quiet. His mom’s room was closed, the creaking door being the only thing that made a sound. He felt the tension loosen, as he slowly took his shoes off. There was only his bed in mind. Even though he spent most time in there simply tossing and turning until the next morning. It was something he had gotten used to.
But something stopped him. His gaze lingered on the living room. He hadn’t been in there since his father’s passing, as his mother didn’t force him to anymore.

Slowly and almost in trance he made his way to the place where his father had spend his last minutes. His condition made it impossible to get him up the stairs and to the bedroom, which was why he had spent these past few years of his live in the living room. Heeseung found the thought of his father dying in the living room rather ironic.
He opened the door and was greeted with darkness. Every bone in him urged him to turn around, but he couldn’t, as he took a few steps forward. He needed to do this. It was something he owed his eleven year old self. As he made his way to the lamp, which he carefully turned on, he was surprised to find the room to not be empty. On the couch sat his mother, huddled over herself. She was not making one sound, as her red eyes slowly found her way to her son.

“Mom…”, he mumbled, returning her dead stare. She looked terrible. Awfully skinny and tired, as she probably hadn’t slept nor eaten really these past two months. Guilt was eating him up alive. He had been so focused on avoiding her, that he didn’t even think about checking up on her. His gaze slowly wandered around the room. It was hunting. She hadn’t changed a thing. His belongings, his bed, the life support machine, his medicine…. Everything was there as if he hadn’t left. Not one particle of dust on them as if she had carefully cleaned everything. It was only him that was missing. That she was missing.

“I think you should go to bed…”
He again looked at her, while she was staring right back at him. Tears were now rolling down her face. He wished he could’ve hugged her, but his body didn’t move, he could only stand there and watch her.
“Mom…”, he tried again.
“You really don’t miss him huh?” Her voice came out strained as if she had been screaming for hours.
He couldn’t say anything, but they both knew his answer.
“After everything he has done for us…. Bought us this house, taught him how to ride the bike, kissed me goodnight every night, helped him with homework… and still he can’t get over his imperfections…”, she started to mumble to herself, as if her son wasn’t standing there. Her gaze was now going almost right trough him, before she focused on him again.

“Can you say of yourself that you are perfect?” It was one of the few moments where he actually felt fear, as her question had an harsh undertone.
“Let’s not do this mom, plea-“, he tried.
“Are you perfect?”
He swallowed hard, as he looked around again. When had this room stopped to be a room where he‘d happily spend his time in? He remembered how when he was younger he would always stay there. Until his father would come home. He narrowed his eyes, cracking his knuckles.
“I’m not perfect…”, he began. The silence was actually piercing.
“… but I don’t go around and hurt the people I love… over and over again.. without any regards for them…”
“Don’t talk like you know everything! He wasn’t like that! He wasn’t always like that!“
Her voice got louder and more shrill. She stood up and he took a few steps back until his back hit the wall. His first impulse to run.
She got closer until she was right in front of him.
“Everyone fights their demons….“, her voice was almost a whisper, but he heard her clear.
„… and his demons awoke the day you were born.“ She looked directly into his eyes. Her gaze was cold.
As her words sunk in, he could do nothing but to push her away and run outside the room, upstairs and into his own, where he sunk to the floor, his body leaning against his door, immediately after closing it and locking it shut. His heart was racing, while his body was shaking, not even realizing the tears that were running down his face.

____________

“You look dead! Are you okay?“ Jungwon looked him up and down, as he entered the classroom the next day. Heeseung had been there extremely early today, as he had left the house an hour earlier than usual.
„yeah… just couldn’t sleep. It was way too hot!“
A smile was plastered onto his face as he made up this lie. Jungwon nodded enthusiastically, before telling him that he also didn’t sleep that well because of the weather. He didn’t really listen, completely eaten up by his own thoughts.

_____________

“You look terrible.”
He forced a grin.
“And an awesome day to you too Hoonie!”
“Don’t call me that. What happened to you?
He let himself sink to the ground right next to the other, who gave him a critical stare.
Shrugging his shoulders, he still forced his grin.
“Couldn’t sleep well… cause of the heat.”
“Stop bullshiting me.”

Surprised he looked at the younger, whose gaze was still intensely on him. His dark eyes analyzing him.
“What do you mean…?”, he tried nervously, now avoiding the other’s gaze.
“I know you… you may lie to every single person in this whole world and they’d believe you… but I can see right trough you.”
The older looked at the other for a moment. There it was again. How could he forget. This was Sunghoon, his Sunghoon. The only person in this fucked up place who meant something to him and to whom he actually meant something. A fact of which he was strangely sure.
“Oh shit sorry how could I forget…” He smiled as he scratched the back of his head. It felt good to smile, even though he didn’t really feel like it.

“Don’t forget idiot.” The look on the other’s face was almost strict, before it softened a little.
“So what’s wrong?”

He didn’t answer. Starring into the distance, not sure what to say. But before he could really think about it the words came out by themselves.
“Have you ever wished you'd never been born?“
It was something he had never confessed before. A thought that was always there. Like a gloomy force, always present in the back of his mind. Always had been nothing more but a silly suspicion, until his mother’s words. Confirming his worst fear. He couldn’t look at the other. To nervous of what he would say. Or not say. Maybe he should’ve stayed quiet. Was it wrong to share something like that with an other person?
It was quiet for a while. Heeseung’s fear growing.

“Never mind.., that was a stupi-“
“Yeah…” The other’s voice was calm. He looked at him. Their gazes meeting. His neutral almost calm one and his own unsure one.
“Really?”
The other nodded.
“All the time.”
He had to smile. A sigh of relief leaving his mouth. It felt good in an almost macabre way. He wasn’t alone. Wasn’t the only one who had self-destructive thoughts like that.

“Well Einstein what’s the solution to the problem… Antinatalism?”
He felt like he had regained a little bit of his self again. As he stared at the other with a grin. There seemed to be no one who understood them, especially not in this village.
Sunghoon returned the smile, leaning his head back, as he seemingly thought about it.
“Antinatalism doesn’t help the ones who were already born though.”
The older nodded. “Yeah you’re right.”
He pulled a cigarette out and started to smoke. Well he was already alive and there wasn’t much he could do about it. But at least he wasn’t alone anymore. His gaze wandered to the other, who had moved away a little, not wanting to smell the smoke. He felt a soft tug in his heart.

“Well I guess we just have to die… I mean you’re already keeping up the good work with you smoking literally all the time”, the other stated clearly judging him as he was again holding his nose.
He chuckled lightly.
“Nah I don’t wanna die like that…“, he paused, before he remembered something. “I wanna die like chrysippus!”
There was a short silence, as he eyed the other for a moment, awaiting a reaction.
“That’s an awesome death!” The other started to laugh. He had to smile. That was exactly the reaction he had wanted.
“Hey are you trying to beat me to it.” He gave the pale boy a playfully offended look, who couldn’t keep it together even more now as he was laughing loudly, hiding his face with his hands. It was the cutest thing he had ever seen.
“Stop it you’re killing me…”
And after realizing what he had just said, they both broke out into a fit of hysteric laughter.
Maybe being born wasn’t so bad after all.
____________

He never really had any regards for other people’s feelings. It was something he had learned quickly. In the grand scheme of things, one should always look out for oneself. That’s what everyone did. It was just something nobody wanted to admit, since the biggest sin, it seemed, was to be selfish. Heeseung was smart enough not to admit it in front of others, knowing it had a huge impact on the way people would perceive him. He himself though knew the truth. In the mankind’s made up term of morality, he was a bad person.

“I’m close… yess!”
He looked down at Mrs Choi, as he kept on moving. His girlfriend in the back of his mind, didn’t matter. He didn’t care for her. His gaze went out of the window. It was early. The sun was rising. He looked down at his teacher again, who was close. Her orgasm, a little show she liked to put on, nearing with every second. She had her head already turned around. Simply to look at him, trying to look sexy. The wrinkles on her face, were getting more prevalent and the smell of coffee on her breath was strong. As they locked eyes and he started to pick up pace, his mind went to the pale boy. That was exactly how they had met each other, a few months prior. He had been deep inside his teacher and the other had been at the wrong place at the wrong time. He had to smile a little, until her loud moans interrupted his thoughts. He looked down at her again, waiting for her orgasm to pass. Did she always look this old?

_______________

If Min-jun was clingy before, she had become even more clingy after her love confession. Clinging to him to a point, where it wasn’t beneficial anymore. She convinced Jay to switch seats, so that she could sit next to him, just to always whisper weird stuff into his ear while they had lessons. She would cook or bake for him and bring it to school and when he would tell her that he wasn’t hungry, a pout would form on her face, forcing him to give in begrudgingly before she could accompany it with a baby voice, saying loudly: “pleaaaaase!”
She was extremely jealous, giving every girl who would dare to talk to him an hostile gaze, while being angry at him for quote on quote flirting. And the worst thing of it all was the fact, that she desperately wanted to spend their breaks together.

“Every couple does it…”, she would say, again with that stupid pout on her face.
“Well I have to do class president stuff…”, he would mumble. “Plus we spend all our time after school together, don’t we babe?”
She nodded slowly the pout still on her face. “But can’t you just skip it one time?”
They were now only mere inches away from each other. He looked around, a few gazes were on them, since not everyone had left the classroom yet. PDA was something he couldn’t stand. It made him uncomfortable. Still he lowered his gaze and took her hand into his.
“I wish I could, but I really have to go now my love.”
She smiled. She liked pet names. He didn’t.
“Okay I guess…”, she mumbled in defeat. “…can you at least escort me outside to my friends?”
He really didn’t want to, but he wanted to get it over with quickly, so he could finally spend his break with Sunghoon, which is why he answered with an: “Of course!”, as he lead her outside, still holding her hand.
“Wait.” He turned around confused.
“Kiss?” He gave her a gentle smile before kissing her. Returning the smile happily she let him accompany her outside, before he could finally leave.

“I’m sorry for being late…”
He was out of breath, as he had sprinted all the way here. Still he was almost ten minutes late, thanks to Min-jun’s persistence.
The pale boy was sitting on the floor, again another book in his hand, as he looked up. Not saying a word.
“Whatcha readin’ today?”
Sunghoon still didn’t answer, as his gaze went down to his book again. Nervously he took a few steps closer to the other.
“Are you mad? It’s just 8 minutes or so… and I actually was busy with-“, he tried to explain, before the other harshly closed his book and interrupted him.
“Busy with your fiancée?” His voice was quiet and almost calm. Still they both could feel the tension.
Confused he looked at him.
“What the hell are you talking about? She’s not my fiancée…”, he mumbled.

“Well that’s what she goes around telling everyone…”
Heeseung chuckled.
“Are you for real?”
The other didn’t look at the slightest amused, as he slowly stood up, leaving the book on the floor.
“Yeah… she goes around saying stuff like: “Me and Heeseungie are soooo happy.”, “My Heeseungie said how good my brownies were yesterday.”, “Girls I swear I can feel it, he’s the one! I’m gonna marry him.”, “Straight after graduation we’ll marry and I’ll have his stupid babies…” He exaggerated his voice, trying to imitate her and her gestures.
The older had to sigh. Min-jun was always a little intense.
“I know she tends to blow things out of proportion but…” They were standing in front of each other now. Looking into each other’s eyes. The annoyance of the other was visible on his face, making him confused.
“….why are you bothered by her words so much?”

They stayed quiet simply staring into each other's eyes. He traced the other’s face with his gaze. Wandering from his long lashes, to his cute nose and stopping at his lips. Suddenly he wondered if they were as soft as they looked like. It was a weird thought and still it didn’t bother him in the slightest.
“Because she isn’t blowing things out of proportion.“ He focused on the other's face again, his lips pressed into a thin line, before speaking. „What the fuck are talking about?“
“I saw you holding her hand, calling her baby and shit, while being all in love…”
“Well I was clearly acting!”, he defended himself growing more and more annoyed.
“I can tell…, but that poor girl can’t and you’re just getting her hopes up, while at the same time fucking her english teacher.”

He rolled his eyes, anger bubbling up.
“Oh here we go again with this teacher talk…”
The other chuckled sarcastically.
“Yeah yeah try to blame me all you want… while you cheat on your girlfriend with an old woman…”
“I never said I love her…”
“Well you didn’t need to, with all your acting like the perfect boyfriend.”

“What the fuck is even your problem?” He took a few steps closer to the other, who didn’t move an inch.
“My problem is you… and your self destructive behavior… just because you can’t deal with your father's passing doesn’t mean that you can play with other’s feelings…”
His face darkened. His jaw clenching.
“Say that again…”, he mumbled gaze on the other, who returned it with an annoyingly neutral gaze. It reminded him of their first real encounter in the fields.
“Come on say it! Or are you too much of a pussy just now?” His tone got harsher. The other had struck a chord.

The other chuckled.
“You are using this innocent girl, just so you don’t have to deal with your father’s death.”
“Oh look our wannabe philosopher turned psychologist is talking now…”
The other rolled his eyes. “Oh wow now you really got me… stop trying to deflect! You’re acting like a selfish asshole”
“Since when do you care? Stop pretending to be perfect yourself!”
The other smirked and he wanted to do nothing more than to wipe it off his face.
“Last time I checked I didn’t lead a girl on, just because I’m emotionally dead…”
“Yeah we get it Mr. Perfect… girls don’t even talk to you, cause you always walk around all entitled… that’s why you don’t have any friends…”
Sunghoon furrowed his brows, not answering. It made him gain some confidence, as he now stepped even closer to the other. Leaning forward. A grin formed onto his face.

“What? Are you going to punch me again?”
The other just stared at him. There it was again. A deep aversion in his eyes.
“Oh now you’re quiet. Talking all about me being an asshole, even though you’re not one bit better. Come on you never told me. Why did you almost break my nose?” They were so close now to each other, that he could almost feel the other’s breath on him. “I don’t believe it was cause you simply don’t like the fact that I’m getting ‘groomed’… so come one tell me!” He looked him straight in the eyes, before slowly looking down again to his lips. The other was biting them.
“Tell me!”
“You… you were….“,he mumbled something Heeseung couldn’t understand. He looked up, the other was looking away.
„Come on! Speak up…“
Their eyes met, blinded by his own anger he didn’t realize the fear in the other’s eyes, before he got pushed away.
„You‘re too close!“

He almost fell but was able to quickly catch his balance. He balled his hands into fists, before looking at the other. Their eyes met again. Now a distance between them. Physically and mentally.
“Pff… is that the only way you know how to communic-?”
“You know what I don’t care anymore… Do what ever you want!” The other mumbled, as he walked past him, storming off without looking back.
“I never asked you too.”
He wasn’t even sure if the other even had heard nor did he care really, as he was still enraged. Slowly he leaned his head against the wall. It was cool against the heat. He slowly looked at the ground where the other had left his book behind. As he picked it up, he read the title: “The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky.” He sighed, anger still there.

_________

Heeseung no longer met up with the other at their usual spot during the break. Refused to even acknowledge the other’s existence, who seemed to do the same. His school days grew more miserable day after day. A fake smile here, some polite words there, it was tiring him, as he now couldn’t even get a break from it.
Spending his break with Min-jun, her friends and his friends was the worst thing of it all. His mind constantly wandering around, as they giggled about something stupid again. His arm was wrapped lazily around her shoulder most of the time. He tried his hardest not to think about Sunghoon, but he couldn’t stop. His words had actually hurt him, as much as he realized that he probably had hurt the other. The thought was eating him alive, but his pride kept him standing. He never apologized. It was a sign of weakness and weakness was something one could easily use against you. Sunghoon had been a nice distraction, but he had made him weak. It had been a mistake on his part, that he wouldn’t repeat. He had to simply forget the other. Every last bit of him.

Two weeks moved by. Non of them talking to the other nor even looking at each other. It left him in a bad mood. Even the oblivious Min-jun realized, asking him constantly if he was okay, or why he was being so grumpy. He would always deny it and she would believe it or at least pretend to, as he kissed her softly.
Not only did he now go full out in playing the perfect boyfriend, holding her hand constantly, kissing her everywhere, carrying her stuff and excessively using pet names, he also started to sleep with Mrs. Choi more regularly again. She got off on the fact that he had a girlfriend and was still seeing her, while he had to prove something. To himself. To him.
He was spiraling down. Not spending one night at home anymore, as he was simply not able to face his mother. Always sleeping at Min-jun’s place or if she had something to do sleep over at Jay’s or Jungwon’s. Min-jun was too deeply in love and his friends just didn’t know enough to realize, that he hadn’t spend one whole night at his own house in over two weeks. Simply going there to get some fresh clothes, every so often, while he would literally run inside and get everything done in under five minutes just to not having to run into her.

It strained him, having to constantly act. His mood got worse and his mind deserted into more and more chaos. Even entertaining the idea of marrying her, just to quickly move out. He had lost every sense of self, was now a mere puppet trying to stay afloat. It left him simply feeling tired. How had managed before?
He didn’t know what exactly triggered it. Jungwon’s constant glance to see his reaction, Min-jun standing so close to him, that her never ending giggling seemed louder than it actually was, Jay’s unfunny jokes, clearly to impress Min-jun’s friends or the fact that this had been his life for the past two weeks. Constantly having to deal with this. He simply needed a break.

“Ah shit I forgot… I actually need to finish a list for Mr. Jung.” He pressed a kiss onto Min-jun’s cheek. “Be right back babe.” She pouted a little, but still let him go, smiling satisfied with the kiss.
The way was like a lost memory. Ingrained in his brain and body, which made its way effortlessly to the back of the school. With a fast beating heart he jumped the fence and walked around the corner. As he made his way to their spot, he quickly came to realize that it was empty.
He was all alone. It was quiet as he smoked. Nobody to hold their nose and talk his ear off. His heart ached.

___________

With closed eyes he stood there. Not caring one bit about getting wet. It was almost enjoyable. Without thinking he had lied to his friends and Min-jun again, as a sudden summer rain shower had surprised everyone. Leading them all to quickly run inside.
As he had stood there in their classroom like everyone else, his eyes slowly wandered to the last row, something he hadn’t allowed himself for what felt like an eternity. The chair was empty. That was all it took.
With his usual lie he ran outside, not thinking straight, only motivated by his quickly beating heart. He needed to see him. Would he be there?
But their usual spot was once again empty. He sighed. Disappointment was washing over him. What was he expecting?
Instead of standing under the roof, he just stood there, directly under the rain. Letting the cold drops touch his skin. It didn’t matter if he would get sick. He was just so tired.

“Remembering again that I shall die. And neither hear the rain nor give it thanks,” Heeseung quietly mumbled to himself, as he always did.

“For washing me cleaner than I have been. Since I was born into this solitude.”
Heeseung opened his eyes, before quickly turning around. And there he stood. His black hair wet and sticking to his forehead, while his grey shirt was sticking to his chest. They quietly looked at each other for a moment, only the heavy rain was there, but they didn’t care.
“Sunghoon…”, he mumbled. Breaking the silence, slowly walking up to the other. They now stood mere centimeters in front of each other. Just staring at one another, like a piece of something they had long lost and now finally found again.
He opened his mouth, to say something. Needed to say something but nothing came out.
“I-“, he tried to speak, but was interrupted as the other broke the little distance they still had and hugged him.

It was like an instinct awoken in him as he wrapped his arms around the other's waist. Not even thinking about it. They were wet and sticky, as it kept pouring. But they didn’t care. Holding each other close. He felt full again. At ease. Even though it was the first time they had hugged, it felt warm and comfortable. It felt like he imagined home to feel like. They stood there for a while. If someone would have walked by, they would have thought these two must have lost their minds. But they didn’t care. It was just them.
“Sunghoon I’m…”, he broke the silence.
“I know… it’s all right… me too”, the other interrupted, as they were now looking at each other, both having to smile. Everything was as it should be again.

The rain stopped and they slowly let go of each other, still not being able to take their eyes off one another.
A mischievous grin formed onto Heeseung’s lips.
“Let’s skip!“
The other brushed trough his wet hair.
“What?” He laughed. It sounded so carefree.
“Let’s skip the rest of the class and hang out somewhere!“
“Are you serious?” He raised his eyebrows.
“What about our bags?”
“We can get them later. They leave the school open till 4pm,” he explained. “Do you trust me?” He held his hand out to the other, who quickly took it. Smiling, as he nodded.
“I do.”
“Then let’s go!”
With interwind hands they started to run and it was the first time in these past two weeks Heeseung actually felt alive.

They ran without any destination. The heat that was now slowly coming back, drying their clothes and hair. They didn’t let go of each other’s hands. Finding comfort in each other’s hold. They ran through, rocky roads and fields, until they reached the old pond, which was hidden behind a small piece of woodland. They finally stopped. Completely out of breath, as they looked at each other, before laughing. Nothing but their laughter filled the silence surrounding them, as they let themselves collapse onto the ground. It was still a little wet from the rain. But the fact that they could get sick and were currently dirtying their clothes didn’t matter. Them being together was all that mattered. After their laughter had died down they stayed quiet for a bit. Still holding hands. Sunghoon’s hand was slightly smaller. It fit perfectly into his.

“I can’t believe we ran all the way”, the other broke the silence, turning his head to the side to look at him.
“Let’s see who get’s sick first.”
The pale boy laughed a little and he couldn’t help himself and smile.
“I missed you.” They were now looking at each other. Faces getting a little more serious now, as he could do nothing more than to stare at the other in pure awe. He hasn't even dared to think about it in the last few weeks, but now looking at the other’s face it came all crashing down. The suppressed feelings of loneliness, sadness and regret.
“I missed you too.” The other had a soft smile plastered on his face, making his heart rate go up. How could someone be this beautiful?

A sigh left his lips, as the other looked at him concerned.
“Is everything okay?”
He nodded slowly before looking at him again. A serious expression now on his face.
“I’m really sorry…” Sunghoon opened his mouth, seemingly wanting to say something.
“No let me speak.., I really am sorry… I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but… you were right… I… have troubles dealing with may father’s passing and…“ he sighed, slowly letting go of the other’s hand, instantly missing it’s warmth, but ignoring it. He looked at the sky.
“I feel like losing a little part of me everyday… it’s I don’t know…”, he mumbled.
“I’m sorry too. It isn’t my place to tell you how to grieve… I kinda overstepped my place.”

They simply laid there for a while, letting the small rays of sunlight, which were able to make their way through the threes, warm them up a little. Heeseung looked at the other, who had his eyes closed. He wanted to open up, say something. He wanted to be weak. But it was scary. He had actually never talked to anybody about it. What if Sunghoon wouldn’t understand or worse end up despising him. He swallowed.

“What… what is.. forgiveness.. in uhm in your opinion?” It was a strange question. Seemingly out of nowhere. But it had been lingering inside of him for a while now. Slowly biting a piece off of him each and every day without him realizing. His voice came out more shaky than expected, as he was now trying to stabilize his breathing, waiting for the other’s response. He took his time. Slowly opening his eyes and looking at the sky.
“Hmm that’s though…”
A nervous smile formed onto his face.
“Non of your philosophers to help?”
“I fear not… Except for in the religious sense I don’t think I have ever read anything about forgiveness. At least nothing that caught my attention.” Again silence took over, only the moving leaves and some birds in the distance being heard.

“Well I think forgiveness takes hard work… from the person who did something wrong as they need to own up to their wrong doings and actually change, while for the person who has to forgive, it’s more about needing to let go of any resentment and trying to move on… but that’s just my interpretation…”, he mumbled before looking at him.
“Why are you asking?” The other looked curious. He quickly averted his gaze, which the pale boy seemed to have caught.
“You can talk to me if something is bothering you… you know?”

He swallowed. Eyes wandering around. When he was younger his mother had always repeated a certain mantra. A mantra he still to this day could repeat even in his sleep: What happens in the family stays in the family. It was something he had always lived by. Until now. He felt like he had to tell somebody. He had to tell Sunghoon.

“M… My dad… he used to… he…” He felt the other’s hand taking his own, before giving it a soft squeeze. They locked eyes, as the other gave him a soft smile. He took a deep breath, before talking.
“My dad… he… he used to… he… used to beat up my mom…” As he had finally found the courage to utter these words, he instantly felt lighter.
“As a child… I kinda thought it was normal for him to scream at her. Cursing her out. But he got more violent every time. Slapping her, punching her all over her body until he would… he would sometimes slam her head against something, till she would just lay there….” He closed his eyes, shuddering at a memory he had blocked out for so long.
“He would…. Never touch me though… would always completely ignore me. Only teaching me how to ride the bike or help me do my homework, when my mom would beg him to… he would almost never talk directly to me though… I was extremely scared of the men…” A forced smile had formed onto his lips, which quickly disappeared as he again remembered that night. The night that hunted him in his dreams. The incident that had changed everything.

The day itself had been as ordinary as any other. So much so that he actually couldn’t remember it. It was only with the arrival of his father that he began to remember. A certain anger had already been present in him. His mom was making dinner in a hurry, as his father would always get served first. She had made something foreign that day. A big steak with a side of croquettes. His favorite. A few moments after she had served him his food and he began to eat, shouts suddenly filled the room. The croquettes were cold. He kept on shouting before grabbing her by the hair and slamming her head against the still hot stove.
The eleven year old boy simply stood there, scared as his father repeatedly beat his mother, angrily asking how someone could be this stupid. Till this day it was unclear to him if by accident or unknowingly, but his mother’s gaze passed him.
She had already finished the croquettes in the oven and had began now to fry the large piece of meat. That was until her son came up to her, begging her for hot chocolate. She had told him to wait. A certain desperation and tiredness in her voice, no eleven year old could have recognized. They didn’t own a microwave nor a second stove. He was a child, foolishly keeping on begging and begging until she couldn’t take it anymore. It was only heating up some milk. How long could it take? She took the steak off the stove, quickly preparing the hot chocolate for her child. Letting him wait.
He followed her gaze. His light brown eyes now on Heeseung as he realized who was truly at fault. He let go of her. Now shouting at his son, calling him all sorts of things, before he threw the first punch and another after that. His head hit the floor. He could hear his mother’s scream in the background as he laid there in pain. His father wasn’t finished though. Enraged he took the full plate and threw it at the little boy, lying on the floor. The sound of shattering, mixed with the distinct smell and taste of blood, mixed with the food, was the only thing he could remember, before everything turned black.

Heeseung could feel the other’s grip tighten around his hand. It was small but it gave him a little comfort.
“When I woke up I was in the hospital… I had to get stitches… My mother had told them some sort of lie about both our injuries, not exposing my father but… she planned on divorcing him… She wouldn’t let him see me in the hospital and even kicked him out of the house… it was the first time were I felt… loved and… save… she would always repeat that she wouldn’t let him hurt me ever again.” He swallowed. He could still visibly remember the warmth he had felt. A warmth he had never felt again ever since.

“My dad didn’t take it well.., as you can imagine. He’d come to our house, banging against the door, scream and threaten us, but my mom stayed strong… not giving in, even though the neighbors already started talking… after months he seemed to have finally given up… but… one day… my mom got a call…. since the divorce hadn’t been finalized yet, she was still his emergency contact…“

He had been sitting in the living room, as his mom was picking up the phone. Focusing on some birds outside, he didn’t even as much as glance at his mother. Until her voice got louder, clearly distressed. He immediately looked at her, as she spoke with such a panic in her voice he had never heard before.
“Yes…. Yes we’re coming… yes… okay… yes… thank you…” She hung up, before frantically walking around the room, grabbing her purse and other things.
“Mom are you okay?”
Finally she paused looking at him. She had tears in her eyes.
“Get your stuff, we need to go see your father!”
He felt it. That deep fear he had tried to bury bubbling up, as he slowly touched the scar on his forehead, from where he had gotten the stitches.
“But I… I thought we don’t talk to him anymore…” He remembered how desperate he sounded, hoping that it was some kind of misunderstanding. The wounds were healed, but not the emotional scar, his father’s attack had left. She looked at him for a while. Many emotions displayed on her tear streaked face, until it stoped at confusion. It made him feel so stupid and small. “We don’t have time for this. Pack up your stuff! Your father had an accident.”

“When we arrived at the hospital, he had been put into a coma. He had hit some crucial brain regions as he had fallen down a roof. It think it was his cortex or something, but as an eavesdropping eleven year old you don’t get clear informations…”, he joked. The other didn’t laugh.
“His survival chances were slim and he stayed in his coma for two months before he woke up… well “woke up” he was basically brain dead, they called it a vegetative state… not being able to move or speak… not even breathe by himself… There was the possibility to send him off to be taken care of in a special facility, by experts, but my mom refused, to leave her ‘beloved husband to rot’ inside a facility without his family… It was extremely expensive and hard, but she was able to adapt our living conditions to his special needs… By transforming the living room into his personal hospital room….”
He paused. Unsure. Sunghoon was still holding his hand, giving him support. Would he keep doing it, if he kept on? Revealing his dark thoughts?

“I’ll be honest… I get that he had a terrible accident and that nobody should live under these conditions… but he did still hurt us. And I don’t… I just couldn’t feel bad for him… His presence… even in this state was agonizing… I would have simply send him off…”, he whispered the last part. He felt his hand tremble, as the other still held onto it. The face his mother had made, when he had confided this in her, when he had just turned twelve, was one of pure disgust. After, she had told him, that she would simply forget he had ever uttered these words. It was then that he realized it. She had already forgiven him. So why couldn’t he?
Now he was dead. And still… he felt no sadness. As he had observed his emotion, trying to find the tiniest bit of sadness within him, he had realized it. It wasn’t there. He simply felt relived. He was finally gone.

They stayed quiet. He didn’t dare to look at the other, as he remembered his mother’s face. It wasn’t something he could bear again. Not with Sunghoon. But he still held his hand. It helped him calm down a little, as he closed his eyes, simply focusing on the other’s touch. He was still there. A light breeze passed them. He breathed out.

“I honestly don’t know what to say.” His voice was quiet almost like a whisper. He automatically had to smile. Every other person would probably have mindlessly apologized that he had to go through all that, while silently judging him, but not Sunghoon. Always wearing his heart on his sleeve. At least around him. “It’s okay I don’t need you to say some empty words… Just you listening is more than enough.” He carefully began to caress the other’s hand with his thumb. Both not saying one word for a while.

“Thank you for telling me.”
Surprised he looked at the other. “What?”
“Thank you for telling me… it’s a sensitive topic for you and it means the world to me, that you feel like you could trust me enough to share this with me… and honestly…”, he began, biting his lips, indicating that he was thinking.
“After thinking about it… I wouldn’t have forgiven him either… you know in the religious sense they always talk about forgiving everyone. Even your enemy and I always thought… it just… isn’t realistic… It’s nothing that can be forced. Your father sounded like a terrible person and even that tragic accident, doesn’t change that. What I want to say is… that you don’t own him forgiveness.” Heeseung had to smile, as he felt the tears streaming down his face. “You don’t know how much this means to me…”, he was just barely able to mumble, as the tears kept streaming. “She always made me feel like a monster for not being able to look past his actions…”

Sunghoon let go of his hand, before sitting up straight. Carefully leaning over him, before gently wiping away the tears. A soft smile adoring his lips.
“You’re not a monster… you’re simply human…”
“Isn’t that kinda the same”, he laughed a little, as the other still caressed his face.
“Many philosophers would agree”, he replied, still smiling.
It all felt strangely domestic, but surprisingly he enjoyed every second of it. The pale boy had the ability to calm him down, in mere seconds. His presence alone gave him a sense of safety. The tears had long dried and still the other was gently caressing his cheek. He wished they could stay like that forever.

“But… do you think…-“
He had to smile, knowing exactly what the other was about to ask. They really were alike in many ways. He slowly sat up, the other put his hand away. He already missed the touch.
“Yeah”, he answered truthfully. “I think the psychopath did it to himself… probably trying to break an arm or so… so she would take him back. But you can’t plan how exactly you gonna hit the ground.”
The other nodded slowly. They were so close again. Their eyes again finding each other. He expected to feel like shit, after opening up, but this was different. He felt free, safe and warm. He could feel his heart beating inside his chest, as he looked at the other. He had never felt like this before. Normally he would question his own sanity, but this was different. He simply let himself enjoy this unknown feeling.

“I’m sorry…” His gaze went to the other’s lips again.
“For what exactly?”, he mumbled, slowly looking at his eyes again.
“For punching you in the face… especially after knowing about your father I feel bad an-“
“Don’t. It’s okay… Violence is not necessarily an answer but I did kinda deserve it for being an asshole.”
“Still…” the other tried, but got again interrupted by Heeseung who was carefully brushing a strand of hair that had fallen into his forehead behind his ear.

“Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?” They were so close to each other, as his eyes scanned his face. Yearning for a reaction. And a reaction he got, as the other’s pale skin turned red. A slight blush adorning his face.
“No…”, he whispered. Heeseung had to chuckle.
“You’re as beautiful as a woman…” he mumbled.
A grin spread across the other’s red face, as he shook his head slightly.
“I’m not.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Are you trying to be humble?”
Again the other shook his head.
“No… I guess I’m objectively good looking or whatever… but I’m not as beautiful as a woman… I’m as beautiful as a man…”, he simply stated, still having Heeseung’s eyes on him.
“Are you looking for an excuse for your urge to kiss me?”, he joked, laying a hand on his shoulder.
One simple move and their lips would brush against each other. It drove him crazy. Without thinking he simply nodded at the other’s teasing question, not caring one bit that it wasn’t meant seriously.
“I guess so… but I really want to…” He licked his own lips, eyes still on the other’s.

He could feel Sunghoon’s fastening breath against his lips, before he mumbled a barely audible: “I also want you to….”
That was all he needed. He leaned forwards to connect their lips, closing his eyes. But before he could press his lips against the other’s, he felt a hand against his chest stopping him. He opened his eyes, as their gazes met. Confused he looked at the other, before putting a little distance between them.
“Shit sorry… did I do something wrong… did I read this…” He pointed between the two of them. “…wrong?”
Sunghoon shook his head.
“No it’s not that…” he began, his beautiful dark eyes scanning the other. “Did you sleep with the teacher today?” He swallowed, before nodding slowly. He did. They’d had english lessons right before break time and as always, she had asked for his help and he had complied.
“And did you also kiss that girlfriend of yours?”
Heeseung sighed. “yeah I did…,” he had to quietly admit.
The other smiled softly tilting his head to the side and Heeseung hated every stupid decision he had made today instantly, as the other looked just so kissable.
“Well, I don’t like sharing.”

____________

Later that day he broke up with Min-jun instantly.

Chapter Text

Making decisions was a burden on its own. Not only were you stuck with your decision most of the time, but there was also always a certain “what if”. It was something he was simply unable to. He always admired people who were capable to decide on something and fully stand behind their decisions, as in his head as soon as he had made the decision, all sorts of pros and cons would pop up and fight one another, until he would question everything all together and end up changing his opinion. It was a vicious circle.

If someone had asked him, for example, which philosopher was his favorite, he couldn’t give one coherent answer. He would start by saying that he liked nihilists like Nietzsche, but also adored existentialists like Sartre and Beauvoir, but also absurdists like Camus. He also quite enjoyed Schopenhauer’s pessimism, or Kant’s transcendental idealism, especially the term: “Sapere Aude” - “Dare to know”, was truly captivating to him and a piece of advice from which many people in the village could benefit greatly in his opinion. He was also fascinated with Marx’s philosophy regarding societal equality. But Descartes’ cartesian dualism was also quite intriguing, while he regarded his famous quote: “Cogito ergo sum” - "I think therefore I am" as a truly groundbreaking thought. But he was also quite fond of the greek classics, with Socrates, Plato, Heraclitus, Diogenes and Zeno being the ones he knew the most about.

Well but nobody ever asked him. Nobody talked to him in fact.
They had tried when he was younger, but his cold demeanor quickly shut any attempt down. It was easier that way. He needed nobody. He had himself, his philosophers and his mom.

______________

He had been late. His mother had another panic attack. She had them quite often, while he was the only one who could calm her down. It was something he had done since the day he had been able to. They both had slept in, as she had been crying almost all night, while Sunghoon had to hold her. When they woke up she was late to work and he was late to school. She called in sick, telling him he could do the same. But he refused. He despised school, despised in fact every single person there. They were all terribly curious and thrived on the misery of others, acting as if they’d actually cared about their wellbeing, while simply getting off on the “gossip”. Everyone knew Everything about Everybody.
Still, it was the only place where he could gain a little distance from his mother. So he went. She had called him, “her smart little boy” and he had smiled.

The halls were empty. No wonder, as he was almost an hour late. The thought of having to walk in late, all their gazes being on him, while he could feel their whispers, made him sick, but he had to power through it. Like he always did.
He had almost reached the classroom, when a sound caught his attention. A strange sound. Almost like a dying animal. It didn’t take him long before figuring out where it came from, as it came out of the classroom, right next to the one he was heading to. He slowly approached the door, the sounds growing louder and clearer, as the door wasn’t fully closed. Should he help? He knew his mother would be strictly against him interfering, fearing that he’d put himself in danger by doing so. That’s why he turned around, at this point wanting nothing more than to quickly get inside his own classroom.

Suddenly he heard the loud voice of a woman. She sounded in pain. Without thinking he opened the door.
It took him a moment to understand what he was seeing. Bent over a table was his English teacher and right behind her was a boy, he recognized to be one of his classmates. Pounding into her. The other who seemed to have realized his presence, stopped in his movement. Now directly looking at him, while his English teacher moaned even louder, before her gaze also landed on him. Her face turning to pure horror.
As his brain finally fully comprehend the scene in front of him, he instantly felt like throwing up. Disgust ran over him, as he quickly made his way out of the room. Simply completely running out of the building. He could hear her, calling after him but he didn’t dare to look back.
Seeing this older woman, being intimate with someone his age, did something to him. It made him feel extremely uncomfortable. It wasn’t unheard of. He knew that something like that happened more often than it should. The pale boy wasn’t a little child with zero knowledge, as much as his mother would like it that way. He had always kinda known about it but had always simply banned the thought from his mind.

Outside, he ran in the opposite direction from his way home and towards the forest, his mom had always told him to stay away from, only stopping when he was out of breath.
The image of the woman, roughly the same age as his mother, getting fucked by her student still engraved in his brain. He threw up right then and there. The sounds he made scared a few crows nearby, as they quickly flew away. He took a few steps back, when he was done, hoping to get rid of this deep disgust. But it didn’t go away.
It stayed. The whole day, he spent wandering around in the forest, hoping his mother wouldn’t find him by some miracle, the disgust didn’t wash away. The pale boy felt almost sick, still he didn’t want to go back to school, in fear of having to face his teacher, nor did he want to go home. So he stayed in the forest, only this profound disgust as his companion.
The disgust was still there, as he went to bed that night. Its intensity growing as he felt her breath on him.

_____________

The classmate he had caught the day prior, in his opinion was like everyone else. The only thing he knew about him was that he randomly had to repeat a class, leading him to join theirs and that he was extremely popular. He got on with everyone, so much so that he even got voted as the class president just one year after.
He also had voted for him, simply because he had to vote for someone. Sunghoon was happy that he ignored him though, as he wasn’t really interested in his or for a matter of fact any kind of acquaintance. Them not interacting had always been mutual, well that was until now. The next day at school he really tried to ignore the other, but things didn’t go quite as planned.

The older really got on his nerves. Sunghoon simply wanted to forget, about what he had seen, but with the other’s constant attention on him, he gave him a really a hard time to do so. Looking at him, smiling, even coming up to him and giving him some worksheets from yesterday. He hated it. Feeling this deep disgust again.
Still he subconsciously analyzed the other a little more closely. Who would have thought, that the perfect class president would fuck a teacher? As he observed the behavior of the other that day however, he quickly found something to feel oddly off.
Behavior wise he was actually quite nice to everyone but the more he looked at it, the more fake it all seemed. His smile never reaching his eyes and his words all empty. Right then and there he knew that he truly wanted to have nothing to do with the boy. He seemed like bad news.

The latter however had other plans.
School was the only place where Sunghoon and his mother were separated. And while he himself kinda enjoyed this freedom, his mother on the other hand seemed to be in a constant state of distress. She even solely took on the early shifts at the little kiosk she was working at, just so she could make sure, that he made it home safe.
One time though, he couldn’t have been older than six, he had gotten distracted on his way home, by a black cat. Following the cat, he quickly had lost track of time. Leading him to come home late that day, by twenty minutes, just to find his mother curled up on the floor, hysterically crying, her phone in her hand and the local police on the other end. It took hours, till she calmed down a little bit. But seeing your mother crying like that, screaming in agony, just because of your own foolishness, was a traumatizing thing to witness, especially for a six year old.
Save to say, he never came home late, always rushing home, not caring about the weird looks and rumors the others would make up, because of it.
He had actually come up with a strategy. He would run the first part of his way, saving himself some time, so he could walk the rest of the way more relaxed.
That was until a certain someone decided to follow him. And as their eyes met he couldn’t help himself. Only seeing her. It disgusted him.

He didn’t care for his liaison with the teacher, nor his mocking words, as he simply tried to forget he had ever seen it, but as the other got close to him, he felt his body stiffen automatically. Only his mother had ever been this close to him. The other’s warm breath on his ear, reminded him of her warm breath, when they would sleep. The older he got, the more uncomfortable their sleeping arrangement had become to him, but he really couldn’t do anything. Closeness inevitably was something he came to rather dislike, which was only intensified with the person being so close to him, being someone other than his mom. His fight or flight response kicked in, as he without it being planed, punched the other in the face, who instantly fell to the ground. Sunghoon’s eyes widened, while the boy on the ground held his nose, but as he moved his hand aside, only blood became visible, as it even dripped down. He panicked. He didn’t mean to punch him, it had been merely out of reflex. He was about to bent down, to help the other, before he realized how late he was.

Sunghoon had always been bad at making decisions, simply never really having to decide on his own. But he knew his mother’s episodes and he knew how bad they could be. Call him egoistic, but he simply didn’t have it in him to deal with another outburst. Without thinking he started to run, blinded by the sun, leaving the bleeding boy, who seemed to be completely out of it behind.

He got home in time, barely but he did it. He couldn’t even feel relieved, as his thoughts were occupied by the boy he had punched just like that. As he looked at his hurting hand, which he had hid from his mother, he could still see traces of the other’s blood.

_________

It was weird how quickly things could change. One day he was punching the class president in the face and the next day they were hanging out, bound by their shared dislike for the people in this village.
“Hell is other people.” It was a quote by Sartre, on which they seemingly, without any words needed agreed upon.

After they had met at the back of the school building on break time, the day after the punching incident, it quickly started to become a regular thing. With him even awaiting the other’s arrival.
Quickly he came to realize that the older was quite different than what essentially meets the eye. He was kind of an asshole, that seemed to only care about his own gains. But weirdly enough he could handle this better than the fake, smiley and nice persona the others would get.
Yeah they would argue and Sunghoon would honestly often times question the other’s sanity but at least both of them could unapologetically be themselves.

At the beginning of their bizarre arrangement, he had been extremely jumpy, always feeling like his mother could tell, as she had strictly forbidden him to get close to these “sinners”, as she would refer to literally anyone who wasn’t them. But she didn’t have a clue and the longer it went on, the more comfortable he started to feel.
It was actually quite exciting to finally have someone to talk to, especially about philosophy. That part of himself was something he had always hidden, as his mother wasn’t keen on it. A painful reminder of his father.
To his surprise the other could hold a philosophical discussion. It kinda bit him in the foot at times, as the other seemed to always have the most controversial and weirdest takes ever, as they fought shamelessly, not fearing that they could hurt one another with their harsh words.

________________

Sunghoon knew about his own reputation, as people often times underestimate how much and especially how loudly they talk. They weren’t very subtle about it, making their intentions of talking to him but their fear openly known. At the same time, while he was crowned the infamous “Ice prince“, the class president was perceived as more of a warm person, people felt drawn to. As he got to know a more real him however, he sometimes would spend his time in class by eavesdropping. People loved his easygoing personality and kindness. He had to control the urge to not laugh loudly. The other and kind?
On the other hand he had to begrudgingly admit, that the comments made about his looks were true. The other was handsome. Having nice face proportions, that made him kinda look like a model. Adding to that he was also extremely tall, standing even taller than himself, who was already considered really tall. These two factors were manly all others would talk about, but Sunghoon found that there was way more to his attractiveness.

Call him weird, but he really liked the other’s hair, something about the way it fell into his face, looked really good. There was also the overall aura of the other, which gave him some kind of mature vibe and look. It was probably since he was older by a year, but still there seemed to be more to it. Making him alluring in a way. Another weird thing, he had focused on, were his hands. They were big, especially when he was holding a cigarette between his fingers. He hated the smell, as he always had to smell it on his mother, but he had to admit, that the other looked like some kind of rockstar while doing it. Well and to round it all off there was his tanned skin, which not only really suited him but also made Sunghoon a little jealous, as he himself was extremely pale. A product of him rarely spending time outside.

______________

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” It was a quote Sunghoon never had quite understood. Attention for him had always a bad connotation. It was something given to you when you had done something wrong or when others wanted something from you. As his mother had taught him from a young age to stay away from others, he had come to dislike, even to fear it. But having the other leaned forward, giving him his full attention, while he was explaining the difference between existentialism and absurdism to him, let him feel something he had never felt before. The knowledge alone that the other went out of his way to look up the things he was talking about, as he not simply knew about it, which he had naively assumed, was a huge deal to him. No one had ever done this. No one had ever been able to. The fear that his mother would find out about “this” -whatever “this” was, was always in the back of his mind. Suppressed, but still there.

As they grew closer and closer that fear only intensified, but he simply tried to ignore it.
Getting closer to the other was something he had never expected, hadn’t even been sure if he was capable to be this close to someone, who wasn’t his mother. He was really happy that they didn’t talk about their families though, as he didn’t feel like disclosing his situation to the other. He would probably think that it was weird.

Even though he was kinda happy about it, he at the same time grew kinda curious about his family, especially after his dad surprisingly had died.
From what got around it was known that his father had been sick for years, but to what extent and what exactly it was, was up to speculation, which the people in this village loved to do.
Heeseung’s calmness to this tragedy was something that would probably leave even a hardcore stoic confused. But he simply decided to stay quiet, as it was obvious that he didn’t want to talk about it, even though his curiosity was eating him alive.
Sunghoon had never been a curious person in the literal sense, as only philosophy was able to spark his curiosity. With Heeseung it was different however. The more they hung out the more curious he got about him.

What was his family history? Did he have any dreams? What did he do after school? Did he also think about him?

It was safe to say that something had changed between the two of them. He could feel himself secretly eyeing the other more often, as their school days went on, feeling a tiny bit of proudness as he watched Heeseung openly lie to others.
The facade of the selfish asshole also seemed to crumble day after day. He wasn’t the saint he pretended to be in front of others by any means, but he also wasn’t the asshole he had met at the beginning, as he was trying to cheer him up as good as he could, listened to him, remembered things he had told him just in passing or tried to make him laugh. It was a weird thing to admit to himself but it all left him feeling kinda gooey inside.
He was even willing to adapt his usual routine to the other, who now started to accompany him home. It was impossible to let the other accompany him up until his home though. His mother would probably die if she saw them together. But up to a certain point he would allow him, just for him to sprint after they parted ways. It made him late most of the time, up to three minutes. He would shiver under his mother’s observing gaze, asking him where he had been. Lying directly into her face.
“They let us out a few minutes later mama, because of the upcoming exams.”
Her gaze would stay on him, waiting for him to crumble under his lie, but he didn’t. So she believed him.

_____________

The first time he had heard about Heeseung and a girl from their class being in a relationship was on a random Tuesday. Heeseung’s two “main friends” were whispering about it, while he listened quietly. Everyone in this god damn village seemed to truly love themselves some good gossip.
He knew of the rather physical relationship the other had to their teacher. A fact he was still trying to forget, even more so as he got to know and somewhat like the other. But a romantic relationship was a whole other thing. He didn’t know why but it kinda stung. The girl was objectively cute. Small and petite in her frame, with shoulder long black hair and cute bangs. Completely different from himself. He was tall, manly and in no way or form cute.
Licking his lips, he ignored the obvious question: Why was he even comparing himself to her?
Even as the other told him about it the very next day, he couldn’t shake off this feeling. A vague idea what it could be, but he didn’t dare to even entertain it. It couldn’t be. It simply shouldn’t be.

_________

“The way you eat your rice, truly reminds me of your father. He also always preferred to eat it plain.”
It was one of the rare occasions where she would talk fondly about him and not cry at the mere mentioning of his name, which was probably thanks to the red wine she was drinking.
As a strict Christian, she would still allow herself the occasional drink. “Everyone at church does it”, she would always happily explain, already a little tipsy.

He hated it when she did that. Comparing him to someone he never got to meet and probably never would, a fact he had come to understand the older he got. He wouldn’t dare to tell her though, fearing her unstable reaction.
The only other time she would talk about him was at church. They would go every Sunday, like almost everyone in the village. If you missed it just once, you better had a good excuse, otherwise you would end up as the newest town talk. Only a few of the residents got permanently excused. This was why Heeseung was never there. His father’s special condition lead to the pastor doing home visits, as the trip to the church seemed to be awfully tiring for the poor family. Sunghoon wasn’t sure though how it got handled now that his father had passed. In all honesty though, he was happy that he didn’t have to meet the other at church, as his mother would use this opportunity to shamelessly lie about his father.

“Yeah! He’s still in the military. Yeah. But he writes home every week. He’s fighting for our country you know.”
When he was younger he didn’t get it, especially in a church setting, but as he came to understand the judging eyes of the other’s, he understood.

______________

Kim Ahnri always wished to become a devoted housewife, with at least three kids. It had been her dream since she had been a little child, raised by her grandparents. Her parents had died young. Only she could be saved from the tragic fire, that caught their house while they had slept. She had only been three, when she lost her parents.
From then on everything seemed to work out in her favor however. She finished school, got engaged to her high school sweetheart, a guy like nobody else, intelligent, witty and kinda mysterious, before ultimately marrying him. Everything had been going perfect as they now tried to have children.
He hadn’t been that sure about having children at first, but she convinced him, both being overjoyed as she got the good news.
She was pregnant with a little baby boy. The first few months were a blessing. They were happy, bought a house in the village, to stay close to their community and enjoyed life. Everything was perfect until….
In her seventh month of pregnancy she had a miscarriage. It destroyed every piece of happiness they had, up until that moment. She remembered the pain and how he had frantically brought her to the hospital, just to be told that her baby boy was already dead. Burying his little body took everything in her.

After that, luck wasn’t on their side. Everything the same, as she had four more miscarriages. One would assume that in a grotesque way one would get used to it, but after every one of their babies had been buried, their sorrow would only grow. They were mourning every single one of their babies. And while she confided in god, strengthening her belief, her husband turned to philosophy. He had always been somewhat of a free spirit, bound by their village’s expectations. It was the thing that had originally drawn her towards him But as he started to more openly criticize the church and the community their distance grew larger.
It all seemed forgotten though as she got pregnant for the sixth time. She prayed every day, for god to simply give her one healthy baby. And god heard her prayers as her beautiful baby boy was born healthy.

Overjoyed with her baby she didn’t realize it. But her husband was already gone.
Mentally he had already left her and the life in the village, as it was holding him down, not letting him breath. Three days before Christmas he was gone. Leaving behind his wounded wife, who already had lost so much and a little baby boy, who was already born into a broken family. Not even a note was left. But after finding entries in his notebook, where he had written about wanting to leave this life behind, studying abroad, she knew. The world had taken another one of her loved ones from her.

It was then and there that she made a promise to herself.
She wasn’t going to let the world take away her present from god. Her little angel. All that was left. Her only son Sunghoon.

__________________

Schopenhauer had argued that through asceticism individuals can experience a form of transcendence. It is through this that one can distance themselves from the worldly desires that often cause pain.
Living like this had always been easy for him, as he never truly desired anything. Not a person, not some relieving act, nor substance. And he came to find that Schopenhauer had been quite right. In his 16 years of life he had rarely felt any pain. He had seen it often, displayed in his mother's outbursts, but he himself had never been emotionally moved to a greater level. It was always numbness, combined with the occasional discomfort. Nothing more and nothing less. That was one of the reasons why he enjoyed philosophy. It depicted live in all these different angles. Talking about all its greatness and all its horrors. All of which he never experienced himself before.

Heeseung had now officially disrupted his simple way of existing. He was now occupying his every thought, making it almost impossible to concentrate on anything.
Sunghoon had read a lot. Without any friends it had always been his only company, that was for most parts accepted by his mother. There were no preference really in what he read, as long as it served its purpose, in making this dull life disappear, even if only for a short fraction of time.
One thing he didn’t quite enjoy were certain types of tales depicting love though. He couldn’t stand characters that were way too oblivious to realize their feelings. It was tiring to read and not really understandable. How could one not realize that they had fallen in love? Always searching for excuses why they couldn’t be in love. It all seemed like a cheap ploy to stretch out the plot, which he didn’t enjoy in the slightest, often times skipping these bothersome pages of denial of feelings.

Sunghoon wasn’t stupid. The moment he caught himself in bed, as he tried to ignore his mother’s arms around him, thinking about Heeseung and the joke about chrysippus he had made that day, while automatically smiling softly at that memory. He knew. Heeseung had become the only person who was able to make him genuinely smile like this, even if he wasn’t around. The other had become truly important to him. He had become someone he could call a friend.
The way he felt safe around the other, calm but giddy at the same time, the shyness that would take over him at the other’s intense look on him and how he couldn’t stop thinking about him, it all could be foolishly mistaken as love, but as he had read countless of love stories he was able to make the distinction. He wasn’t in love with the other, simply couldn’t be. The way his heart ached at the thought of his girlfriend and the still lingering disgust around his entanglement with the teacher, that now contained a slight note of pain, was explainable through the normal fear of losing his only friend and not some stupid form of jealousy, coming from an unrequited love.

It wasn’t the fact that they both were men, that made him being in love with the older impossible. It wouldn’t be ideal, as they still lived in a catholic village however. Sunghoon was, as much as he didn’t like to admit it, in many ways similar to his father, likewise his belief he came to understand, as he quickly realized that he didn’t believe in god. He couldn’t quite tell why though, as his mother and generally everyone around was a devoted Christian. Reading the Bible had done nothing for him and all the restrictions didn’t make any sense to him.

Why couldn’t a man lie with another man?
It was a question he had first asked himself when he was fourteen.
His mother and he would sometimes visit the library in the next town over, as their village didn’t own one except for the tiny school library, which only contained the bare minimum. Here she could strictly control what kind of books her son was reading. But as they met a woman from church there, his mother quickly got engaged in a conversation, her eyes no longer on the young boy. Taking his chance he wandered around a little. He had just begun a rebellious phase, if one could even call it that, as he secretly read up on philosophy.
His mother always mentioned how similar he was to his estranged father, while at the same time telling him how philosophy had ruined him and thus this family. It sounded truly bizarre to Sunghoon, almost silly. And with that he started, to search in the tiny library the school offered, for everything that had just the slightest thing to do with philosophy. He wanted to see what all the fuss was about. And while he didn’t find much, he quickly got interested in the few things he actually had been able to read there. A fact he strictly hid from his mother, who would die if she found out that her beloved son, just like her husband got “tainted” by philosophy.

As he wandered around, he was actually in search for more philosophical books, he could maybe secretly take back home, but as he made his way around the library he halted in his movement. A small pile of books laid on the ground, right in front of the register.
“These books are being thrown out, as the community didn’t deem them as appropriate”, an old woman, who passed him and threw another two books onto the pile, explained, recognizing his curiosity. He nodded slowly as she kept on moving, probably searching for the rest of the books that were on the list in her hand. His gaze wandered around the pile. These were all books he had never heard of and probably never would as they would be removed.

The black haired boy wanted to turn around, knowing that he didn’t have much time, before his mother would realize his absence. As he was about to turn around a book caught his attention. He didn’t know why, as it didn’t necessarily stand out. It was just a feeling. He read the title. It was rather ambiguous, not really hinting to what this story would be about. It seemed almost innocent. So why would the community deem it as unfit? Without thinking he looked around, before quickly grabbing the book, immediately hiding it under his sweater, acting as if nothing had happened.

He didn’t know how, but he was able to quietly smuggle the book back home, without the librarian nor his mother realizing. At home he quickly excused himself to the bathroom. One of the few places, where he could possibly have a little privacy, if he acted smartly. He sat himself down on the toilet, a quick glance to the door, as he hoped his mother wouldn’t barge in. She had put out the locks in every room of the house, even the bathroom. As quietly as possible he put the book out, reading the title again.
“Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin”, he quietly read, before he started to read the first page, not bothering himself with the summary as he didn’t have much time, before his mother would grow suspicious.

It took him about ten days to finish the book, as he had to be really careful. Normally it would have probably just took him one day or two at most to finish it, but he had to work with what he had.
Still after having finished it, he didn’t quite get why it was supposed to be thrown out. It wasn’t much more explicit than any other book that was allowed. He kinda expected a book that would be disgusting, depraved and truly unsettling but instead he got a typical love story that ended in tragedy.
Sunghoon quite enjoyed it actually. The relationship between the two protagonists was complicated, but written so straight forwardly that it didn’t get tiring. The central role that room played, the only place were they could live out their relationship, was in a weird kind of sense relatable to the fourteen year old, even though he had never felt any kind of romantic attraction to someone. The ending in his opinion closed off the story perfectly. Them not lasting, furthermore Giovanni’s execution was cruel, but really realistic. Sunghoon always preferred a realistic or rather sad ending to a story. Happy endings always felt forced, rarely happening in real life.

It was then that he realized it. Nobody in their village and the ones surrounding them would be able to read this piece of literature, he thought to be really great. And it was all simply because the love story happened to center around two men. That was all.

He had to face it his opinion on same sex relationships seemed to greatly alter from the communities’, as they didn’t even speak on the topic. There simply weren’t any gay people to talk about, or at least no openly gay people. Sunghoon didn’t think he was gay, but if he were at least personally it wouldn’t pose as a problem but he could only imagine their disgusted stares, wanting nothing more than to throw him out, just like they had done with the books.

The real problem was his mother. After having to deal with so many losses she had made it her mission to completely shield her son from any external danger, that may possibly take him away from her. That was why they had to share a bed, he had never been allowed outside without her, with school being the only exception, all locks in the house had been removed and he wasn’t allowed to get close to anyone. This made it impossible for him to fall in love with anyone. And even if he by some miracle overcame this and actually did fall in love, sustaining a real relationship was even more impossible.
Firstly there was the issue of his mother just simply not accepting the relationship. She would probably be nice to the person in front of their face, not wanting to damage her reputation as being a bad future in-law, but secretly confide in her son about some made up concerns she would have, while she would hysterically cry, pressuring him so much that he would eventually break up with them. That was at least what she had done when a six year old Sunghoon, who still couldn’t grasp the severity of his mother’s „suggestions” had brought home a friend from elementary school. That was his first and last friend before his personality turned to ice.

The second problem was his mother’s emotional dependency. When she would have panic attacks or her outbursts he would be the only one that was able to calm her down. Meaning that he could never be really separated from her. Since these episodes would come by repeatedly and at random times. It was something he had internally made his peace with. But he knew that it was truly crazy to except a partner to be okay with that.

Love simply wasn’t possible for him and that was okay.

_______________

It only got worse. He tried to reason why it bothered him so much, especially now that he realized that he saw the other as a friend, but it still didn’t make sense. As the other would follow the teacher out to “help”, not only his typical disgust would take over, but now also an indescribable annoyance. He hated it. He hated how the teacher would look at him like some piece of meat, how she didn’t seem to care that they already got caught once and what angered him the most was that Heeseung went along with it.
At the same time he couldn’t stand seeing him, being all lovey dovey with his girlfriend. When they kissed, held hands or even as she leaned forward to whisper something in his ear, as they were now seated next to each other, his blood would boil. He knew Heeseung, could tell that to him it all was nothing more than an act, but it still bothered him how that girl would look at him all lovingly. It made him sick. And still he couldn’t tell why as he tried to swallow his anger quietly.

That was until the other started to prioritize this fake girlfriend over him, having the audacity to be ten minutes late, knowing that their break didn’t last long. And since he had stopped accompanying him home, as he spend his after school time now with his girlfriend, this had again become their only possibility to spend time together these days. But Heeseung didn’t even seem to care, too busy with his performance. Sunghoon had enough.

He knew that it wasn’t fair to criticize the other like that, but he couldn’t hold back. Too caught up in his anger. It wasn’t like he was lying in what he said to the other, he was just unnecessarily harsh and decided to leave out what exactly all that had to do with him, cause quite frankly he didn’t know. It would have been awesome if he had been actually that nice of a person to really care about that poor girl getting played, but he truly hadn’t had it in him to care. He only cared about himself. About their friendship.
The same way he wanted to hurt the other, the other was able to hurt him.
“… that’s why you don’t have any friends….”
That hurt. Just now had he allowed himself to think of Heeseung as his friend, only for the other to deny these foolish thoughts. It stung. It really did. It felt like they had gotten closer but maybe he had been mistaken. As he looked into the other’s face he didn’t see the Heeseung he came to know and like anymore. His Heeseung. There was only the most popular guy in school. The class president. One of the many people he despised. It made him think of his mother. She had been right.

The words of the other made him remember the incident in the fields. As he came closer, he felt it again. Something he had for a long time not felt around the other. Disgust, as he felt his breath on him. It made him panicky again. His smoke laced breath, reminding him of her. Not letting him breathe. He couldn’t even formulate his thoughts, as he felt it again. He couldn’t take it anymore. And with that he pushed him off.
A small part of him was happy that the other didn’t fall to the ground, but as they stood in front of each other in distance. He suddenly felt empty. How could he have been foolish enough to think that he could have a friend? Without looking back he stormed off, hearing the other’s voice in the distance. Saying something to him. It sounded foreign to him. He didn’t even realize that he had left his book behind.

___________

He tried. He really did. But going back to before seemed impossible. Playing the role was easy, as he had done it almost his whole life. Something had changed though. Emotionally at least. The sadness he felt was almost unbearable. Hitting him the hardest as he sat in class, forcibly not looking at the other but still hearing his voice -it was familiar and foreign at the same time, or as he spend his breaks alone in a toilet stall, a book in his hand on which he simply couldn’t focus. His thoughts preoccupied. All he could think about was his stupidly handsome face, his stupid smile, his stupid gaze on him, his stupid jokes, the stupid hole he had left behind in his life. It hurt. Knowing that it was his fault, didn’t make it any easier. He felt guilty, would even apologize if there wasn’t this always repeating thought in his head. They weren’t friends.

“Did I do something wrong? I can sense it, you’re distant! You hate me! Want to leave me! That’s it right? You despise me!” His mother was hysterically crying. He was seated at the table, waiting for food as his thoughts were again occupied by a certain black haired boy, leading to him overhearing one of her questions, which in return led to this reaction. He looked around. The house was decorated really warm and cozy. Pictures of the two of them hanging around. All sorts of things he had crafted for her when he had been a child adorning almost every corner. His gaze went to his crying mother, before slowly standing up. How could he have forgotten? This was his life. He had been so preoccupied with the thought of a friend, that he had almost forgotten. There was no space. There was only him and his mother.
“I’m sorry mama. School is really tough right now. You’re the best mother one could imagine. I’ll always stay by your side. I promise.”

_____________

It was a mere impulse. The break had almost come to an end, as he made his way from the toilet stall to their classroom. On his way, his gaze moved to one of the windows in the hall. It rained hard, despite it being summer. It reminded him of the first time Heeseung and he had met behind the school. It had rained and they both had realized that maybe they weren’t so different from each other after all. A sad smile formed on his lips, while this memory replayed in his head. It all had started with this simple interaction.
He ran. Trying to convince himself that he didn't care about the other, hadn’t worked as he now made his way to their spot. Hoping, no pleading that the other would be there.

And there he was. His bag turned to him. Sunghoon wanted to cry.
“Remembering again that I shall die. And neither hear the rain nor give it thanks.” Sunghoon knew the poem. His mom had read it to him when he was younger.
“For washing me cleaner than I have been. Since I was born into this solitude”, he answered with the next verses. And with that Heeseung realized his presence, turning around.

They looked at each other for a moment. There he was all wet, eyes widened. Heeseung. His Heeseung. And then he did something that surprised even himself. Something he had never done, never felt the urge to do as it was really uncomfortable for him. He simply hugged the other, and as he felt his hands on him, immediately holding him close he knew. They would be okay.

________________

It was later that day, as Sunghoon stood in the shower where he let his thoughts reminisce about this day. He had lied to his mother that the dirt on his clothes came from the fact that he had rushed home, since he had missed her and simply had fallen. With tears in her eyes she had hugged him and told him she had missed him too, but that he needed to be careful next time. He had nodded, before asking to shower.
His thoughts again wandered to Heeseung. Asking himself how the other was doing, after opening up to him. The pale boy wasn’t really an empathetic person, simply not really caring for other’s feelings and sob stories that much. But as he thought of a young Heeseung having to witness his father beating his mother and getting beaten himself, just to having to care for the abuser after as if nothing had happen, he felt an uneasiness inside of him in ways he could never have imagined. He smiled lightly. The fact that the other felt comfortable enough to tell him this however, made his heart beat faster. Automatically his thoughts wandered to the moment right after.

How close they had been and the other’s gaze on his face and lips. He closed his eyes. Imagining the moment again. He could almost imagine Heeseung’s breath on him until…. He grimaced, looking down. A sigh left his lips, before splashing his face with water, now trying to block out the memory. Embarrassed by his own words.
“I don’t like to share…”, he mumbled before turning red. Why did he have to say that? It made him sound like a bitter girl.
As he thought about the teacher touching Heeseung’s body and his girlfriend kissing him, he grimaced even more. Something was definitely wrong with him. But he didn’t have it in him to look more into it.

________________

“I’m sorry… I really thought I was over it… but I just… I can’t … You’re an amazing girl and are truly important to me…. But I can’t be a good boyfriend to you… not right now… I’m sorry”, he mumbled trying to sound as sad as possible.
It didn’t take long for Min-jun to burst into tears, while he internally rolled his eyes.

After his intense moment with the pale boy, Heeseung immediately broke up with his girlfriend. They had gone back to school, directly after the last lesson had ended, not really talking. But a certain tension still in the air. After bidding the other goodbye, since he had to immediately leave as always, he slowly made his way out of the classroom. As he walked the hallway his thoughts were still on the other. A small smile automatically having formed onto his lips, he thought about the other’s words. Normally these words would have annoyed him, as he didn’t like to be restricted, but with him it was different. It was kinda endearing. He was so deep in his thoughts, that he didn’t realize that Min-jun was walking his way. Just as she stood right in front of him, he finally realized the small girl. A pout already on her face, before asking him where he had been. For a moment he didn’t answer, simply staring at the girl in front of him, as Sunghoon’s words played on his mind on replay.

He mumbled something about his class president stuff taking longer than expected, to which she nodded slowly, eyeing his dirty clothes. They both knew that he was lying, but she didn’t say anything. Didn’t have it in her to say something. They stayed quiet for a moment, before he dropped the bomb. Even if there wasn’t the thing with Sunghoon, it was the right decision, always had been, but he didn’t want to acknowledge it.

“Why… I… I thought… I thought we were in love… why….?”
He took a few steps forward, while she took one back.
“Min-jun…”, he tried, but she shook her head.
“No you… I thought… How could I have been so stupid…? I…”, she still cried, now letting him get closer. He simply hugged her as she cried into his chest, mumbling something he couldn’t hear. It was quite bothersome, but nothing could damage a reputation more than an hurt ex. So he kept hugging her, wondering how Sunghoon had fit so perfectly into his arms.
“I’m sorry.” She kept on crying.

_______________

“How could you break up with her? She is literally the hottest girl in class… no scratch that… in this whole village!” Jay looked at him as if he had murdered someone. While he actually felt like murdering someone. He had broken up with Min-jun on Friday after school, had even forgotten about it, as it had been the first time in weeks he had to spend at home and now on Monday his friends already knew about it. This was one of the big disadvantages living here, or any small village in fact.

“I kinda rushed the relationship, even though I’m still hurting cause of my father’s death you know?” Jungwon nodded understandingly, while Jay sighed.
“I get that…but couldn’t you have kept on dating her…? I mean… I don’t know… maybe it could have helped with the pain…”
“If you're so obsessed with her, why don’t you just go ahead and date her.” He didn’t plan to say it nor for it to come out this harsh. Both his friends looked shocked. He swallowed, he couldn’t let his facade crumble.
“I mean you two got along really well… and the way you talk about her…” He shrugged nonchalantly.
“As a friend I’d give you the permission to date her.”
Jays eyes widened, taking the bait.
“Really?” Heeseung nodded, before the bell interrupted them. They really had dragged him out to the halls right before the first lesson just to hear the gossip. He truly despised this village and everybody in it, with only one person being the exception.

_________

“Guess who broke up with their girlfriend?” It was nice coming back to their usual spot, finding the other already seated on the floor. He felt his heart swell, as he sat himself down beside him.
The pale boy looked at him, a small smile plastered on his face.
“You?” Heeseung sighed dramatically. “Be honest you already knew?”
He nodded slowly. “Everybody is talking about your breakup…”
“They really don’t have anything to do around here don’t they?”
“I guess not.”
Both of them stayed quiet. Carefully he looked at the boy beside him, who was currently looking at the clear sky. He had to smile. Slowly the other’s gaze went to him, as they now stared at each other for a moment. Both not knowing what to say. His gaze went almost automatically to his lips. He hadn’t slept with Mrs. Choi, nor had he kissed anyone today. That basically meant, that there was no reason for them not to….

“I spent my first time at home after weeks… my mom and I had an argument and after I simply always stayed at Min-jun’s…”, he heard himself say, still looking at the other.
“How did it go?”
He shrugged his shoulders, not really sure himself.
“We didn’t run into each other, as she probably spent her whole time in the living room… but I guess that’s better than getting screamed at…”
The other nodded. “Are you okay though?”
Now it was his turn to nod, enjoying the fact that the pale boy cared about him.
“Yeah… I kinda learned to live with it.”

They again stayed quiet. This time not looking at each other. Heeseung bit his lip, not exactly sure what to do. He really wanted to kiss him, it had been, after his family issues, all he could think about all weekend. Could he just lean over and claim the other’s lips or should he ask once again? He focused his attention on the other again, who was already looking at him. He had to swallow.

“Don’t tell me you broke up with her over what I said.” His dark eyes analyzed him, reading him easily as they always did.
“And if I told you I did?”, he whispered, leaning a little closer to the other, who simply looked at him. Kissing him would again be so easy, just a little closer and they would… The bell rang, leading both of them to flinch. Sunghoon smiled, slowly standing up, while the taller still sat there, like a dear caught in headlights.
“I would call you crazy…,” the younger began while making his way back, not caring that Heeseung was still not following as he only just now slowly started to stand up. The pale boy stopped for a moment, as he turned his head.
“But I would be lying if I said that I wouldn’t enjoy it”, he said so quietly, that Heeseung almost didn’t hear. Thank god he did, as a bright smile formed on his face, as he followed him inside quickly. Not caring if somebody would see them entering together.

________________

They quickly got back to their usual routine, spending every break together, as if nothing had happened. Heeseung even was again accompanying the shorter one up until their agreed upon place. Everything seemed to be normal, even his classmates had slowly forgotten about the break up, even though Min-jun would still give him sad looks from time to time. Not knowing that he really couldn’t care less.
Everything was back to normal, if it weren’t for the weird tension between them, lingering around them. They both were aware of it, still neither one talked about it. Both to scared. Only their hidden longing glances at each other, hoping the other would act. One week passed by just like that and still nothing had happened. It drove Heeseung crazy. He had never been like this. Always had claimed every girl that had shown interested. The other wasn’t a girl, but clearly had shown interest, plus it didn’t hinder his undeniable attraction to him. Sunghoon had not only shown interested but even given him permission once to kiss him. Had even made some subtil comments and still there was this fear in him, that he may have read it all wrong. Something had to be done, but what? He thought hard not caring that he was supposed to pay attention to the lesson. But his thinking session got quickly interrupted, as Mrs. Choi’s voice directed at him filled his ears.

“Heeseung do you have time? I would like to discuss something with you.” She smiled. It was her usual smile, to hide her hunger. He swallowed. By some miracle she hadn’t asked for him last week, but now he had to face her.
He nodded slowly as he stood up, walking up to her desk.
“I don’t want to disturb the other’s. Do you mind if we talk outside?” She gestured to the door, as she stood up. Heeseung looked at her. She wore a white blouse underneath a brown dress, despite the heat, her long black hair was put up in her usual bun. She was way shorter than him, but a little taller than Min-jun. He focused on her face. The wrinkles around her mouth and eyes were the most prevalent. And looking at her hair, he could see a few grey strands, between the black. As he looked at her this time, he could feel nothing. Nothing but disgust.

“Actually yes… I kinda want to quickly get back to my work Miss… so if you don’t mind, let’s hopefully quickly discuss this here.”
His teacher’s eyes widened for a short moment, before quickly catching her composure, slowly nodding as she sat herself down again. Her gaze cold, as she forced herself to talk about anything just to not seem suspicious. As they finished, he quickly turned back to his seat. Nobody had noticed, or cared really, as all eyes were on their worksheets in front of them. Only one pair of eyes found his own. Both communicating without having to say one word.

___________

“You know Descartes posed the question: ‘How can you be certain that your whole life is not a dream?’”. And if you think about it, it’s kinda like Solipsism, which basically states that one can only be sure of one’s own existence…”
It was another day where the older would walk the other home, who again was rambling about something strange.
“So basically everything and everyone could be fake?
The other nodded eagerly, which he found kinda cute.
“Yes it all could just be a fraction of your imagination.”
“So every time I had sex. It was simply a wet dream?”
The pale boy rolled his eyes and he had to grin. Some things would never change.

They reached the birch tree and came to an halt.
“Well…”, the other started, now looking at him and he did the same. It was an especially hot day. Which was why Sunghoon wore a tank top exposing his arms. They were a little muscular and in no sense feminine and still it didn’t bother Heeseung.
Mesmerized him even. It wasn’t uncommon for the boys to wear tank tops, as the school dress code wasn’t as strict for them. Heck he had worn one two days ago, but something about seeing Sunghoon in one had drove him crazy for the whole day. He simply looked way too good.
As he stood there in front of him, the sun shining directly onto him, Heeseung thought that he looked like the most beautiful artwork ever drawn. Seemingly catching the way he was staring, the other looked on the ground licking his lips, for a moment, before slowly looking back up.

“I guess I see you tomorrow…” Before he could turn around like he always did, just to sprint away, Heeseung grabbed his hand without thinking. Quickly he pulled the other towards him, until he was right in front of him. Letting now go of his hand, he simply wrapped his hands around his waist, before turning them both around and pushing the other’s back carefully against the tree.
Sunghoon’s dark eyes had widened, as a small gasp left his lips. Their bodies were now almost completely pressed against each other, as Heeseung looked down on the younger, who was looking right back at him. A slight blush on both their faces. His heart started to beat faster as he realized what he had done, wanting to automatically step back to free the other. But as he caught his gaze moving to his lips he lost it. Fuck being shy.

“Can I… can I… you…”, he stumbled over his words, getting lost in staring at Sunghoon’s soft looking lips. He tried to speak again, but before he could open his mouth, Sunghoon had stood himself on his tiptoe already and softly pressed their lips together.
It was a quick peck, lasting only for three seconds or so. Heeseung didn’t even have time to close his eyes, nor to return it, before the other gently pushed him off. In complete trance he took a few steps back, now simply staring again. Sunghoon moved right past him. Their eyes met, before he started to speak.
“I… I… have to go now… uhm… yeah… bye…” And with that the other ran away.
Leaving behind a furiously blushing Heeseung, who looked after him still completely in his trance. His face was red, as he lightly put his finger on his lips, tracing were the other’s lips had touched his. Smiling to himself as his heart was beating unbelievably fast.
Unbeknownst to him that the running boy had exactly the same reaction to it all.

Chapter Text

It was unhealthy at this point. Something he simply couldn’t stop. Like some kind of drug. It was new and unfamiliar, but at the same time felt weirdly safe. Like something he had always been supposed to do. He knew that he couldn’t keep on doing this. It was something that needed to be at least acknowledged but he simply was too lost in this unfamiliarity. His whole mind was occupied by it, as he spent his usual sleepless nights thinking about it.
Thinking about him.

____________

Somebody yelled something in the distance, but Heeseung couldn’t care less, not even really processing his schoolmates’ loud behavior. He was busy with something. And that something was Park Sunghoon. He currently had the younger pressed against the wall, while their lips were moving against each other’s.
It was kinda sticky, way too warm and really uncoordinated. Never in his life has he taken more pleasure in something.
Sunghoon’s arms were wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer, while his own hands rested against his waist. His favorite place.
Their tongues had long stopped to fight for dominance, Heeseung taking over, while Sunghoon simply let him. Seemingly enjoying the way his tongue explored his mouth. While all sorts of noises could be heard in the distance, all one could hear between them was the sound of their lips moving against each other.

It was Sunghoon who broke off the kiss first, leaving a confused look on Heeseung’s face.
“The bell has rung a minute ago or so”, he mumbled against his lips, as they were still standing way too close. The older sighed.
“Can’t we skip again?”
He shook his head, an almost deadpan expression on his face. It was quite amusing to him, how Sunghoon had this habit of keeping a straight face most of the time, while also not being able to control the red that would spread over his face after every kiss they shared. So now he had a neutral looking boy right in front of him, whose pale skin was as red as a strawberry. But he wasn’t much better regarding the blushing.
“I can’t have them starting to call home…”
“But w-“, he started but got interrupted, as quickly a small kiss was pressed on his lips, making him forget every argument he had, before the pale boy dragged him along and ultimately inside. Heeseung really was weak to his new found tactics.

_______________

Kissing, like their daily meetings, had become a habit, which all started with Sunghoon’s small peck.
Both of them tried to act all normal the next day, pretending like each other’s lips touching hadn’t been all they had thought about. As Heeseung nervously made his way to their spot, he had thought about what exactly to say. He’d never had this problem before. Nervousness never really having been in his vocabulary. Everybody in his eyes had always been below him, no need to impress them. Well that was until he met Sunghoon. It felt like he had gone mad. In the best possible way.

Already seated on the floor, the pale boy didn’t even give him as much as a glance. Eyes closed, while his head was leaned against the wall. This time not wearing a tight tank top, but rather an oversized black shirt. Still he looked gorgeous.
“Hey.” He plopped himself down right next to him, leaving a little space between them.
“Hey”, it came quietly, as he now slowly opened his eyes, still not looking at him.
After that it was quiet for a while. It wasn’t unusual for them to stay quiet, not feeling the urge to forcefully keep the conversation flowing. This was different however. It was uncomfortable. He wanted to fill the silence. Say something. But couldn’t think of anything. Should he speak about their kiss yesterday? He carefully looked at the boy, who was looking into the distance. Suddenly growing shy he decide against it. Him? Shy? What the hell was wrong with him?

“I read your book?”
It was silent again for a moment, before he became an answer.
“My book?”
Heeseung scratched the back of his head.
“Well after our big fight you know… you left your book behind…”
Sunghoon’s head quickly turned around, now looking at him.
“Dostoevsky? You took it with you?”
He slowly nodded, not really understanding the other's excitement about it. Maybe the book was really important to him. For him, something like that wouldn't even be far-fetched.
“Thank god… I thought I had lost it somewhere at home…” Their eyes met, causing the pale boy to quickly avert his gaze and look away.

“Well did you enjoy it?”
He thought about it for a moment, before answering. “I think so… It had parts that really were engaging, while others kept on stretching itself”, he explained slowly. “Sometimes I even felt like I had read fifty pages only to end up not having understood a single thing in the end….”
Sunghoon nodded a little. “It’s actually my third time reading it. It can be a little difficult at times. Especially all that religious subtext.”
It was something they hadn’t really discussed before. They had given each other signs in form of jokes and comments, like this one, but never outright talked about their stance on religion. It was something one wouldn’t talk about around here, the assumption that they of course were devoted Christians. Everything else was simply impossible.
“Yeah… it was really tiring after a while…”
Only for a short moment their gazes met, as Sunghoon gave him a quick stare. It was small. Comments that surley in the big cities nobody would bat an eye about, while here they could easily get one ostracized. It was almost like a silent agreement. Upon this topic specifically but also to something else entirely. He had to grin lightly, again just looking at the other’s side profile.

“But I also found their names to be extremely confusing…”, he now changed the topic, while still focusing his attention on the pale boy, who slowly nodded.
“It’s new at the beginning but I feel like it’s worse as we have zero connection to anything Russian. I bet they would also struggle with our names…”
“Yeah you’re probably right?”, he agreed.
“Probably? I am right!” Heeseung had to grin at his words, not being able to disagree. Sunghoon again looked at him carefully, but before he could look away this time, the older scooted closer to him.
“Why do you avoid looking at me?”
Silence. He had to grin. Nervously, he had entered their meeting, while the other seemed so unbothered, that it almost annoyed him. But now he got him.

“You know who my favorite character is?”
A small grin formed on the other’s face, who this time kept meeting his gaze. His face red.
“Fyodor?”, he joked, as Heeseung slowly shook his head.
“Close second but no…”, he also grinned, now leaning a little forward. “My favorite is by far Dimitri… doing almost everything for the thing…” he paused, scanning the younger’s face, while slowly pausing at his lips. “… the person he wants…”, he whispered, now moving closer and closer. They were now mere millimeters apart. Something that wasn’t completely new to them by now, but still was able to completely take him out of reality.
“It’s really admirable… isn’t it?” he mumble against the younger’s lips, who had already closed his eyes. Lightly nodding.
With that he connected their lips. A sigh leaving his, as they met the younger’s. Heeseung almost felt like he had waited an eternity for this moment to come, no longer being able to hold back. He had planned to start off slow. Like the younger had done the day before. Maybe a small peck here and there but he simply couldn’t control himself, now having tasted his sweet lips.

Hungrily he began to move his lips against the pale boy’s, who returned it no less hungry than himself. They were already close, but by far not close enough. He grabbed the younger by the hips, lightly lifting him up to pull him closer and almost completely onto his lap, not once breaking off the kiss. It was intoxicating how their lips moved against each other, as if they had never done anything else before. It was all way too much and at the same time simply not enough. Slowly he started to lick his lip, asking for entrance, the other granted him, before he explored his mouth with his tongue.
The kiss grew even better, as now their tongues kept on exploring each other's mouths. He felt waves of electricity running all over his body, when their tongues would touch. It was truly maddening.
Sunghoon copied his every move, seemingly also lost in the pleasure. It was clear in his movements that he was inexperienced. They were shy, unsure at times and overall pretty clumsily. Still it was the best kiss Heeseung ever had.
Immediately he knew that he would become obsessed with tasting the other.

______________

He had been right in his suspicion, as they now started to kiss everywhere and at every time possible.
Their meetups at break time, would now quickly turn into heavy make out sessions. They now also ran the first part of Sunghoon's way home, just so they had a few spare minutes, in which they again would make out against the tree, before forcibly having to part ways.
Kissing the other was all he could think about. In class, at home, locked inside his room, with his friends, at night. Only his criminally soft lips. It was unbearable.

______________

“This is simply a pre-exam so I can see where you are at right now, but also a way for you to see on what you still need to work on. So don’t stress yourself but also don’t take it too lightly”, their teacher - not Mrs. Choi thank god, since things with her were still extremely awkward, explained while handing out the pre-exams in question.
Heeseung took a quick glance at the papers, not really worrying that much. He was at the top of the class and generally never had any problems in school. All of it had always been kinda underwhelming to him.
“You may start now”, the teacher announced, while everyone got to work.
He slowly started to work on the first question, not even having to try in the slightest as it was purely knowledge based.

“If you finish early please quietly hand in your work and leave the room until the lesson ends, so that the others who may take longer aren’t disturbed.”
By now Heeseung had already solved half of the pre-exam but his teacher’s words made him pause, as a thought crept into his head. He looked around, everyone was focused on writing or thinking, not minding him one bit. Perfect. Now completely turning around he was quickly met with another pair of eyes staring right back at him. A small grin formed onto his lips, as he nodded to the other. Not having to say another word, before quickly turning around. Not wanting to get caught.
With his focus now back on the pre-exam in front of him, he quickly got to work. Motivated by one thing and one thing only, he quickly finished everything, neatly enough to probably still be the best in the class but not as throughly as he would answer some of the questions in a real exam.

He was the first one to hand in his pre-exam, earning himself a critical stare by the teacher, who didn’t say anything however, just quietly accepting his work. Heeseung felt a few gazes, probably in awe that he had finished already, as he quickly left the room.
He waited in the hallway, keeping a little distance from the classroom. His gaze wandering around, before quickly landing on the clock that was displayed. The lesson would end in twenty five minutes, another lesson by another teacher following directly after, before it was finally break time.

Impatiently he waited, pacing around back and forth, his gaze transfixed onto the clock. Exactly seven minutes later the door finally opened and to his delight revealed a certain pale boy, whose searching gaze wandered around until finding him, leaned against the wall in front of another classroom.
“Why are you waiting all the way over there?”, he whispered now standing directly beside him.
“Just in case someone else would’ve come out…”, he started to explain. “So I can hide.”
The other nodded, his own gaze meanwhile moving to the clock again. Sixteen minutes. Going out wouldn’t really be beneficial and Heeseung’s impatient mind couldn’t come up with another master plan, which is why he simply took the younger’s hand and dragged him to the toilet. Quickly pushing him into a stall. It was risky, both knew but they simply didn’t find it in them to care.

He pressed Sunghoon against the wall. An amused grin was now adorning his face.
“Why are you grinning like that?”, he whispered in his ear, earning himself an even brighter grin from the other.
“I’ve spent my breaks in exactly this toilet stall after our fight, always thinking about you…”
Heeseung bit his lips. How could someone be this cute without even trying.
Gently he caressed his reddening cheek with his thumb, leading the younger to close his eyes, already knowing what would come. And who was Heeseung to deny him? He leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss onto his lips.
It didn’t take long for their kiss to grow a little more heated, as he now felt arms wrapping around his neck, pulling him in even closer, if this was even possible.

They stayed like this, him now fully focused on the other. He bit the younger’s bottom lip before gently licking it, begging him for entrance, which was quickly given to him. As they were now moving their tongues against each other, his grip on the other’s chin grew more forceful, pulling him upward and towards him, while the latter now started to grip his hair.
Heeseung had never been a sexual person. He'd had sex, of course, still he had never yearned for it. Never having wanted it to a point where he couldn’t think straight. Sex and everything around it had always been an almost mechanic activity, giving him a quick release at most. That was all it was to him. Always had been to him. But as Sunghoon started to move himself against him slightly, he lost everything. Never in his life had he been turned on more. A quiet moan leaving his lips, as he now moved his hands to the other’s hips to move him more intentionally against himself.
They were now full on grinding against each other, strained sounds of pleasure leaving their lips, even though they tried to stay as quiet as possible.
He could feel both of them growing an erection, as he slowly kissed down the younger’s neck who started to become more and more vocal.

“What did you write down for the second question?”
They stopped in their movements, the voices of their classmates growing closer.
“Honestly I don’t remember… I haven’t even started to study”, one voice - Heeseung recognized as the dude who sat two rows behind him and was also somewhat friends with, answered, before they completely entered the bathroom.
He moved his hands in sheer panic from the other’s hips to both their mouths to cover them.
Their classmates kept on talking, while doing their business. He couldn’t really hear their words. Fear clouding his mind. What would happen if they were to be found? It was unclear what exactly would happen, but it definitely wouldn’t be good. His gaze wandered to Sunghoon, whose mouth he was still holding shut. They stared at each other, only a slight glance of fear recognizable in his gaze. It didn’t help to calm him down, furthermore intensifying his own fear.

“Crazy how early the ice prince finished. Do you think he finished early because he knew everything or because he didn’t know a thing?”, his friend joked, making him immediately again hyper aware of what was being said.
“His grades are pretty good from what I’ve heard… I mean that’s easy when you spend all your time with your mom…”
Laughter filled the bathroom. His fear turning into confusion, as he still kept on looking at the other, who now avoided his gaze. He never had really participated in town gossip. Was just a bystander, never truly listening, which was why he actually didn’t know about Sunghoon’s family history. He hadn’t cared before but as he heard his classmate talk about him, as if they knew him an uncomfortable feeling started to spread all over his body. How come he had been the only one opening up?

“Well but did y‘all see how fast Heeseung gave in his papers?”
Sounds of agreement were heard. How many of them were there exactly?
“Not really surprising from the class president”, another voice answered.
“Yeah but it’s kinda weird… his dad died and he still manages to do well in school… kinda seems cold.”
Now it was him who looked down, not able to meet Sunghoon’s gaze, which quickly landed on him.
“I mean his dad was sick for an eternity… One probably gets used to the possibility of him dying sooner or later…”, another voice barged in.
“Still….” The voices started to distance themselves, making it harder and harder to understand what was being said.

They stayed still in their position for a moment, making sure that they truly were safe, before he let go of the shorter one, who was still looking at him. There was a certain worry in his gaze. Heeseung didn’t look away this time. Sunghoon knew. He knew everything and that was okay.
“Are you okay?”, he whispered.
He smiled a little.
“It’s nothing new… everybody around here loves to gossip…”
They stayed silent again, just looking at each other.
The tension was gone. It was a cruel realization of where they were. Of who they were.
They simply looked at each other, finding comfort in each other.
Heeseung didn’t care that the pale boy didn’t open up to him and Sunghoon didn’t care that he hadn’t really received an answer to his question. It was okay, as long as they had each other.

___________

His mother had become somewhat like a ghost, after their initial confrontation. Her presence lingering around but never being fully there. It was something he had gotten used to, or rather, enjoyed the fact that they didn't have to face each other. She had made her thoughts of him clear and he himself had realized after talking to Sunghoon that he’d simply never be able to forgive.
Today was different however. As he stepped inside, the door making its usual creaking sound, he wasn’t greeted with the usual silence, but with the house smelling disgustingly sweet. He could hear sounds coming from the kitchen, making him halt in his movement, unsure of what to do.

“Oh you’re early today?”
He flinched as he heard her voice, slowly looking up. It had been quite a while since he had last fully seen her. She looked better. Her eyes weren’t red anymore. A soft smile was plastered on her face, as she studied him the same way he was studying her. She looked healthy, almost as if nothing had happened. He swallowed, looking down.
“Neither Jay nor Jungwon had time today…”, he mumble his answer quietly. She didn’t say anything. The silence was taunting. Carefully he adjusted his gaze to again look at her. She was staring at him, still smiling.

“W-well I guess I-“ The sound of a timer going off interrupted him.
“Ah the pie is ready!”, she exclaimed happily, before making her way back to the kitchen. Still standing there he simply followed her with his gaze, before quickly taking off his shoes. She had surprised him so much so that he had forgotten until now. Just as he had finished and planned to quickly make his escape, he heard her voice again.
“Heeseung be a darling and set the table for us!” It wasn’t a question and he was in no mood to argue with her again. He swallowed before making his way to the kitchen, where his mother was bent over the pie she was cutting. Slowly he grabbed two plates and two forks, while eyeing her. Something was off. He could feel it in her weird behavior. Their eyes met and she smiled.

“We’re eating in the living room!” With these words, she lifted the plate with the now cut pie on it and lead the way. He didn’t follow directly. Standing there, unable to move. He slowly looked around, only baking utensils were spread around. It was weird for his mother to bake, never having been a fan of sweet treats. Something was obviously off.
“Heeseung!”
He quickly made his way to the living room, not wanting to upset her, but as he walked in he stopped. Eyes widening as he gripped onto the plates in his hands.
“Do you like it?” His mother had come up behind him, taking the plates and forks out of his hands and putting them on the table, where the pie was already standing.
“I….” He couldn’t speak, still trying to process what exactly he was seeing.
His father’s bed and live support machine were no longe in the center of the room but now in a corner. On the bed were candles and over it on the wall various pictures of his father. Some with her, with him, alone, as a child, in his vegetative state even, staring at nothing. There must have been over two hundred pictures cut out and put up like some sort of collage. On the floor was a pile of his clothes that were rendered by the few pairs of shoes he owned, when he had still been able to walk. On the side she had set up a small table, Heeseung recognized from her bedroom. On it were his father’s medications, a pack of cigarettes of the brand he’d always used to smoke, his wrist band from the hospital, and the clothes he had worn when he had the accident all these years ago, old blood stains that didn’t let themselves be washed out, still on them. He didn’t even know that she had kept all of this. It was truly terrifying like some sort of shrine. Like he was their god or something.
“It’s….”
“Amazing isn’t it?!” She didn’t wait for his answer, pulling him towards the table, where she forced him to sit down, still not over what he had seen. Thankfully he was seated with his back to this creepy sight, still feel its uncanny presence however. His presence. He watched his mother, as she was placing a piece of the pie on each of their plates, before sitting down herself. Right in front of him.

“Enjoy!”
“Thanks…”, he mumbled. Her gaze was still on him. It made him uncomfortable. “You too…?” But she was still eyeing him.
Almost awaiting. He swallowed before taking a bite. As fast as he had taken the bit he spit it out again. A frown formed on her face.
“Not good?” She seemed almost mad.
“No… no it’s just really hot… shouldn’t it cool off first?” Her face softened, as she began to smile again.
“Oh yeah. Just blow on it a little. I just really wanted you to try it, so I couldn’t wait.”
He nodded slowly, before taking another piece and doing just as she had told. After having blown on it for a while he took another bite. Slowly chewing, her eyes not leaving him.
“And?”
He swallowed the piece, before nodding.
“It’s good…. cherry?”
He took another bite, felt like he had to actually, as his mother stared him down. Her smile grew larger, as she finally also took a bite.
“Yes cherry lime pie… Your father’s favorite…”
“Ah…” It all started to make sense now. For a short moment he even considered that the pie was poisoned, not even sure now if this wouldn’t have been better, than whatever this was.
“I made it for him all the time when you were a little child. He made you try it once when you were four and you didn’t like it… but good that you finally changed your mind.”

He put his fork down. The appetite, he didn’t even have to begin with dying completely. It didn’t take long for her to realize, now again focusing on him intensely.
“Why are you not eating?”
He sighed. “Mom… what is all of this?
She looked at him perplexed.
“What do you mean?” She tilted her head. It reminded him of Sunghoon. He wanted to throw up.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about… First this weird ass…”, he pointed towards his father’s “shrine”, before continuing speaking. “…I don’t even know what this is and then forcing me to eat this… You hate pies!” His voice had gotten louder.
Normally he would feel bad for rising his voice, but looking at his mother’s face just made him unbelievably angry. She went quiet, still looking at him and he looked right back at her, resisting the urge to look away.

“I’m doing all of this for you. For us.”
He grimaced.
“Your father was a wonderful human being. Well and they come with their flaws… but you seem to only be able to see those, which is why I’ll help you remember what a great person he was. This pie marking a good start. And I simply put all of this up to remember him. See there are actually cute photos of the two of you play-“
“He beat you mom”, he interrupted, growing sick.
“He made a mistake.” Her voice was calm. It made him even more angry, so much so that he couldn’t even form another sentence. Taking this as him complying, she continued in her speech.

“Your inability to have empathy for your father truly shook me. It made me even despise you but I spoke to the pastor and he told me to look at it from your point of view. I realized that you simply never got to know your father like I did. No wonder that you have all this anger in you. But I decided to forgive you. I’ll help you see what an awesome person your father truly was.”
“You forgive me?!” He was now in utter disbelief, staring at his mother, who took another bite of the pie. Smiling softly as she nodded. He cracked his knuckles.
“I forgive you.”
That was all it took before he lost it. Standing up with such force that his chair fell to the ground.

“He beat you for god’s sake! He beat me! A child! This is not a flaw! He was a monster!”
“Don’t talk like this!” Her voice became shrill and angry, as she was now glaring at him. He had to chuckle.
“Oh are you mad now? Mad that I can’t forgive your children beating husband? You have lost your mind… forgiving me pff…”
“I am mad…”, her voice was now calmer but her gaze cold. “… mad that you can’t look past this, even as he was suffering trapped inside his body until he died… probably alone and scared…. Don’t you have sympathy?” She had tears in her eyes.
“Sympathy? Me? Just as you sympathized with me? When I was crying everyday in my room, after you brought this piece of shit back here? When I was begging you to take him away? When I told you I couldn’t sleep anymore? When you sent me away for six months cause you thought I was crazy?!” He grew more and more furious, eyes wandering around the room. Stopping at the “shrine”.

Blinded by his anger he simply stormed over, pushing the small table to the the floor, before he tore the pictures off the wall.
“Stop! Stop it!”, she screamed, now running over to him trying to hold him. It angered him even more, as he now threw his clothes.
“I show you how fucking sympathetic I can be! As sympathetic as all of you have ever been!”, he now screamed kicking everything in sight, now completely ruining the whole thing she had build. His mother had by now let go of him, having thrown herself on the floor, now hysterically crying.
His destruction spree went on for a few minutes, before everything was spread around all over the room and he was out of breath. It was quiet, only his mother’s sobs were heard. He turned around, looking at her. She was on her knees in a praying position, still crying. Only when his father had died, had she cried this hard. His cold gaze stayed on her.
As he looked at her, he didn’t see it anymore. He had always despised his father for what he had done to them, but could never bring himself to despise her. Always remembering her worried gaze, her screams in the background, the few tears she had cried and her promises after he had hit him. Now he realized, she hadn’t cried like she did right now, when he had hit him. And she never would. For that he despised her.

“I will never forgive him”, he whispered. She probably didn’t hear him, still sobbing, as she now crawled around frantically trying to pick up everything she could. She was almost in trance not looking at him, until he spoke up again. This time loud enough for her to hear. A mocking tone in his voice, to hide his pain.
“I bet you wish it was me instead of him….”
Her teary eyes made contact with his cold ones. Her silence was answer enough.

___________

The summer heat was unbearable. This was all he thought as he entered the small kiosk at the end of the street, before it got cut off by the big fields. Inside he wandered around aimlessly, not looking for anything in particular, stopping at the small section, where frozen goods were sold. Without much thought he opened one of the freezers, enjoying the cold on his skin. It wasn’t something he could do for long however, as the store was small and the lady at the register probably would scold him. He closed the freezer, before grabbing himself a lemonade, walking up to the register.

A woman probably in her mid forties scanned his items. He could swear that he knew her from passing, not really sure from where however. Their eyes met as he handed her the money. Her dark eyes reminding him of something.
“Wait I remember you! You’re that sneaky little boy that used to come in almost everyday in the summer”, she beamed excitedly. Making him remember instantly. When he had been younger they sometimes would be let out early because of the heat. As he didn’t want to go home, he often times would go to the kiosk and buy himself some ice cream. Counting every quarter he had on him, to make sure that it was enough. Trying to recall this woman who seemed to come to like him as a child however, proofed itself harder. His narrow mind, focused on people that benefited him, simply not being able to.

It didn’t help that he had currently other things on his mind. Skipping school was something he had decided on just this morning in a mere impulse situation. As he almost had reached the school, he simply had turned around. Not feeling like pretending to be the happy go lucky guy everyone adored.
Sunghoon had once told him about a quote by Kafka. Something he could still vividly remember.
“I was ashamed of myself when I realized life was a costume party, and I attended with my real face.”
Sunghoon was not only terribly beautiful but also terrifyingly intelligent. It was something he learned quickly.
As he had recounted this quote to him, their eyes both locked on each other, his brilliant but at the same time terrible implication became clear. Most people loved this quote, identifying themselves with the maskless speaker. The one lost in this chaotic costume party known as life. Not Heeseung though. He knew his way around. His mask put on tight. So much so that he had forgotten how to take it off. His bare face something that he assumed was long lost, something he hadn’t even wasted as much as a thought on. Only Sunghoon was there to forcefully rip that mask apart, only he realized that nobody knew Lee Heeseung really. Not even the two of them.
It was becoming harder and harder to put this mask back on, but he had managed. The motion still deeply ingrained. After his confrontation with his mother yesterday however, he simply felt incapable of giving them all the Heeseung they knew and demanded. So he simply fled the scene, wishing that Sunghoon could be by his side. But he needed to be alone.

It was almost painful as he forced a smile. It was wide, nice and simply rotten. Just like everyone loved it. “Ah yes! that was me!”
She nodded happily. “I knew it! That cute face of yours isn’t something one can easily forget.” She handed him his change, still looking him up and down.
“My condolences on your father.”
“Thanks…”, he mumbled, not even surprised that she knew. He wanted to turn around and quickly leave. Needing to be alone and finally think, but she kept on.
“Don’t you have school? According to my math, you should still be in your last year right?”
He slowly shook his head.
“I had to repeat a year…”
Her eyes widened. “Oh so you’re in the same grade as my son…. Did school end already?” Her voice sounded strange as she formed the question, almost nervous. Her eyes turning darker, watching his every move. It made him uncomfortable.
“No auntie.. I simply didn’t go to school these past few days, cause I got sick”, he began, holding her gaze as good as he could.
“I feel better now but my mom still said I should stay out of school for the week, but she allowed me to get myself something nice to drink in case it get’s to hot at home”, he lied without having to put any effort in. It was something he had trained for years. Well while coming up with the lie itself was pretty easy for him, this whole conversation drained him. He was already down, but something about this woman in particular was off.

She nodded understanding. “Ah getting sick in the summer isn’t fun huh?”
He nodded slowly. “Well it was nice talking to you auntie.” A big smile was forcefully plastered onto his face, as he tried his best to end the conversation. She returned the smile with the same force .
“It was nice to see you again all grown up…. Get well soon…” He bowed lightly, before turning around.
“And greet your mother for me!”
He was almost out of the door, as she said it. Responding only with a polite nod, he finally made his way out of the store. As he walked off, the lemonade in his hand, he finally felt like he could breathe again. This woman was pretty uncomfortable, but as his mind was still clouded he didn’t fully process her words. He was trapped in his own mind, not being able to formulate one coherent thought.

He spend the rest of the day wandering around aimlessly, making sure to stay away from the school, fearing to be seen and far away from his house. He knew his lie would come out eventually, as the store lady would probably talk, but he didn’t care. Tiredness taking over him. It was simply excruciating.

______________

As he made his way to the back, the other who was already seated, just as always, simply observed him. His gaze clearly critical of him. He simply lifted his hands in defense. “You don’t need to say anything. I probably look like shit”, he simply stated, sitting down. The pale boy nodded. “You do.” He simply hummed and they stayed quiet for a moment. The older liked that. Liked that Sunghoon didn’t feel the need to interrogate him, like the others had done. Asking him where he had been yesterday? Why he looked so tired or sad? The pale boy simply waited for him to speak. It was something he really appreciated.

“I had this huge argument with my mother yesterday”, he broke the silence, looking at the boy beside him, who returned his gaze, eyebrows slightly furrowed, making his neutral gaze a little more expressive.
“Mmh..” He didn’t say anything for a while, licking his lips, which indicated that he was thinking. Heeseung had to smile slightly, it quickly fell though at the other’s next question.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
He leaned his head against the wall, now looking at the clear blue of the sky. He didn’t know. His head still felt like it got scrambled, knowing that he had to do something but simply not being able to. It was as if his whole being had been put on autopilot. Even his “free day” hadn’t helped him with clearing up his mind. The thought of talking about it however, gave him a deep uncomfortable feeling, he didn’t feel like digging up. So he slowly shook his head.

Now turning his head to the other he smiled.
“Tell me again about that weird ass cynic philosopher who masturbated in public just to prove his point.”
“You mean Diogenes?” He nodded carefully and with that the other began to tell him all sorts of stories about this strange individual, while he simply listened, eyes closed, their thighs touching. His thoughts not becoming any clearer, but this deep uncomfortable feeling not longer present. Diogenes was really questionable but at least he was authentic and free.
Would he ever be free?

As the other spoke and he simply listened their bodies moved closer. Simply tired of everything, he carefully leaned his head against the younger’s shoulder. At the sudden motion the other flinched at first, stopping himself from continuing to speak, making him almost pull away and apologize. As their gazes met however and he could see his beautiful face, painted in red, a shy smile rounding up the picture, he decided that it was okay.
They looked at each other for a while, his head still resting on his shoulder, before the other slowly leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. It was short and rather innocent, but it made his heart rate go up like crazy.

“One time a random old stranger called him a dog and he started to pee on him, when asked why he supposedly stated: ‘I pissed on a man that called me a dog, I do not understand why is he surprised.’”, he continued speaking now, while Heeseung had to laugh slightly. Still listening, his eyes closed, his head still leaned on his shoulder, the sunlight hitting them directly, as a content smile adorned his face.

This comes pretty close to freedom.

______________

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Jungwon pouted, while Jay simply looked at him, his arms crossed. To say that he was confused was an understatement, but he didn’t let it show, simply raising his eyebrows, as the smoke hit his lungs. “What do you mean?”
He smiled lightly, as he watched them exchange glances, seemingly deciding on who would speak. “Well uhm…”, Jay the winner or loser in this case started. “… that you’re friends with Park Sunghoon.”
Not being able to control his facial features, his eyes widened, the cigarette he was holding, simply slipping out of his hand. “Ah shit”, he mumbled as his gaze followed, before stepping on it, to put it out. He looked at his friends, whose curious gazes were still on him. It made him grow nervous.
Thinking back though, it had been inevitable. They had been kinda reckless. Too lost in each other, to realize that their walls of protection, build from all these years, had started to crumble. He needed time to think. Taking his sweet time, he pulled out another cigarette, which he placed between his lips, before lighting it. He took a deep drag, blowing the smoke directly into the air.

“Who said that…?”
“A few people actually…” Jungwon started.
“There were always rumors…”, Jay chimed in. “And Jimin said she saw you two, coming back together from break time…. People also find it suspicious that you and the ice prince are the first one’s to leave school… is this why we have to wait almost half an hour before we can hang out after school nowadays?”
Heeseung simply kept on smoking, trying not to show that he got caught.
“Min-jun even said that you left her because of him…”, Jungwon explained. A smile on his face.
“Wh- what?!” He couldn’t hide his fear, as he now looked at his friends.
Jungwon who sensed his nervousness, stopped smiling. “Ah yeah she said that the ice prince is a bad influence and persuaded you into becoming a ‘weird loner’ like him. But to be honest nobody believes her. I mean you’re still talking to all of us and she’s your ex so….”
Heeseung nodded slowly. Relive washing all over him. It didn’t stay for long though, as he watched Jay, who unlike Jungwon didn’t seem that amused.

“So is it true?”, he asked, arms still crossed.
“What exactly?”, he acted all innocent, taking another drag.
“Did you lie to us, about having to do ‘class president stuff’, just to hang out with Sunghoon?”
The silence that took over was truly insufferable. He needed to think quick. Jay looked almost angry, while Jungwon looked rather hurt. He sighed. This would be a performance. He slowly looked around, before leaning forward.
“Okay… promise me that you won’t tell anybody.”
“We promise!”, Jungwon exclaimed excitedly, before realizing how loud he was, repeating himself this time whispering. Jay who stood there with a little more distance, simply looked at them. Still hesitant.
“Jay?”
He sighed, before coming closer. “Yeah we promise…”
Liars.

“I didn’t lie directly… well kinda… so Mrs. Jung…”
“The guidance counselor?”, Jungwon interrupted, to which he simply nodded.
“Yeah… she told me that many teachers are worried about Sunghoon… since he doesn’t socialize at all. So I got ordered as the class president to find out what exactly the problem is and thus help him adjust better. Well and this is what I’ve been doing for a while now, since the ice prince is really hard to crack. At this point we aren’t even friends, he simply tolerates me, while I have to do all the talking and he simply nods or shakes his head”, he lied, now looking at his friends to read their expressions. The shorter black haired, nodded understanding, while the other had finally uncrossed his arms. Jackpot!
“Seriously?”, Jay asked.
He nodded slowly. “Yeah… I couldn’t tell you… cause if Sunghoon catches wind of why I’m hanging out with him, all my work will be for nothing”, he now further explained, growing more and more secure in his lie. His friends nodded.

“I’m sorry for lying to you guys”, he mumbled, eyes transfixed on them. As they finally smiled he knew. He had them.
“Nah sorry for mistrusting you”, Jay now said a gentle smile on his lips.
“We won’t tell anybody”, Jungwon added but he knew that it was all lies. And this time it came just in handy.
“Thanks! I appreciate it”, he took another smoke.

“So what’s he like?”
Confused he looked at them. “Who?”
“The ice prince of course!”, Jungwon answered, gaze oozing with curiosity.
He looked down. Thinking. What was he like? It was something that was hard to put into words, as now only imagines of the pale boy showed themselves in his head. He could see it right in front of him. The way he would smile, that smile reserved only for him, the way he would turn red when they’d kissed, him rolling his eyes when Heeseung would say something stupid, the way his eyes would sparkle as he talked about philosophy, how his dark eyes would observe his every move, nothing getting past them, the way he would furrow his brows, while holding his nose when he would smoke around him. What was he like? He was everything.
“He’s quiet, likes his space and doesn’t like to talk much.” It wasn’t even a lie. He was all that. To everyone except him.

Jay nodded. “Makes sense… I mean look at his mother…”, he started and Jungwon instantly made a sound of agreement. Heeseung always prided himself in being above all that petty gossiping, but these words stirred something in him, just like they had in the bathroom a week ago.
In his head again pictures of Sunghoon. The way he would flinch at sudden movements, the silence that would take over him if asked certain questions, how his eyes wouldn’t dare to look at him, the panic with which he would run home to make it in time and his melancholic gaze in moments of quietness, where they were occupied by their own thoughts. He simply needed to know.

“What do you mean?”
Jungwon playfully rolled his eyes. “You again! Never knowing what’s up. Everyone knows about it… I even vaguely remember us talking about it.”
They didn’t even realize that Heeseung had never participated in the gossip. It was never the three of them talking about it. Only the two of them, while he let his mind wander. But they didn’t know. Didn’t need to know.
“Sorry… I always get it mixed up…”, he explained smilingly, not showing his impatience, now throwing his finished cigarette to the ground.
“You gotta keep up man”, Jay joked, before Jungwon took over with the explanation.

“His mother is kinda neurotic you know, because of her past many elders say. She doesn’t have anyone around… parents dead I think… well and after her husband went to military she kinda lost it… People even say that he really isn’t in the military and just uses this lie to cheat on her… but nobody knows for sure…”
Heeseung nodded slowly, taking everything in.
“Well she seems to be really protective of Sunghoon… Haven’t you ever wondered why when every child around would play together, he was never there…”
He swallowed. The realization hitting him. Of course. The only reason why he was able to accompany the other on his way home, was cause he was from this village. But if he was from around here, how come he never had interacted with him outside of school? Almost as if he never had existed. One could argue that it was because he was one year older, but every other classmate that was from here, including Jay and Jungwon he had vaguely known about as they had played as children together. His hatred for everyone around not having consumed him yet.
“You’re right…”, he mumbled.
Jungwon nodded.
“It’s rumored that she doesn’t let him go outside and knows all sorts of secrets about everyone, which is why he doesn’t talk to any of us…” Heeseung nodded absently, his mind already wandering around. He knew that he couldn’t trust what was shared around blindly but it did kinda make sense. It would at least explain why he had never seen the younger around and why he always rushed home.

Jungwon kept on rambling, as Jay would add things he‘d seemingly forget from time to time, but he already stopped listening. Already had heard enough. His curiosity was feed, but he couldn’t quite enjoy it, as there was this weird feeling accompanying it. It was guilt.

______________

He felt dirty, as he went home that day. The guilt eating him up. The moment he had heard the rumors, he immediately wished that he had waited. Waited for the pale boy to open up himself about his home life. It felt like he had betrayed the other. He felt deep disgust. For himself mostly, but also for this village. It was almost as if it slowly got to him. The gossiping, saving face, by lying. He had always mindlessly participated in it, but now it left him feeling even more empty than he already was. His mask on again.

To add onto his concerns, that were consuming him, there was still the thing with his mother, who had only gotten worse. Whereas she had been like a ghost before, present but never really there. Keeping the fridge somewhat full but never outright cooking, keeping everything except for his place at least passable, but not directly cleaning, she now behaved more like a ghoul. Invading every corner of the house with him. It was almost as if she had joined a cult lead by the men. Heeseung felt nothing but uneasiness, as her eyes would always linger on him. Taunting, almost like his but not quite. She would take up space, cook exclusively meals his father had loved, knowing damn well that he would rather starve than eating it, listening loudly to music that reminded Heeseung of his childhood, while she would softly hum to it. And decorating everything she could with his presence.
He hadn’t set foot in the living room again but he was a hundred percent sure that she had rebuild the “shrine”. She had expanded however, as now a large framed picture of the man in all his glory was adorning the right wall of the entrance. Right as he sat foot in, he was greeted with his terrible light brown eyes staring at him. He was frozen, could only stare at the picture. There he was, right in front of him, punching him in the face. Trying to look away, his gaze stopped at his mother, who had come out of the kitchen, probably hearing the door. She simply stared at him. Not one ounce of sympathy in her eyes, as panic took over him. It made everything worse, now not even his mother by his side. He simply ran upstairs and to his room, slamming the door shut behind him.

________________

As always he couldn’t sleep that night. It wasn’t something new, but this time it was worse, his mind replaying that terrible night over and over again even though he was completely awake. It was almost unbearable, his body shaking while he cried silent tears. As he tried to distract himself only one person came to mind. Even though he still felt shameful for betraying the other, he was the only thing at the moment keeping him somewhat sane. Lying on his bed he simply looked to the celling, his eyes having already gotten used to the darkness in the room. It must have been around two am by now. Suddenly he remembered something. Something he and Sunghoon had talked about just a few days ago.

“I hate it here”, had the younger randomly announced into their shared silence, after they had kissed.
“Ditto”, he had simply mumbled, as always focusing on the other. “But where does that randomly come from?”
Sunghoon had suddenly turned red. “You know while kissing you I thought about a quote by Dostoevsky….”
“Woah you think about Dostoevsky while making out with me? Einstein, should I be hurt?”, he snorted, finding the thought of Sunghoon randomly thinking about some quote by some old Russian guy while kissing him rather amusing.
Clearly embarrassed the other had shook his head. “It wasn’t… It wasn’t quite like that… I was…. Never mind…”
Heeseung had smiled, clearly enjoying how flustered he had gotten. “Just tell me what did Dostoevsky say?”
“So he basically says that the best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure that he never knows he's in prison… and it kinda fits, don’t you think? Like everyone in this stupid village is a prisoner without knowing it except for us two…” He had looked at him while saying it, before connecting their lips again. And he? He had simply happily returned the kiss. Not fully understanding the quote and its meaning, but also not really caring. Having been to lost on Sunghoon’s soft lips.

As he laid there. Dried tears on his face, all alone in his room he finally got it. A tired smile forming on his face. Sunghoon really always found the right words. Right then and there a thought occurred to him.
It was old. A thought he had long banned from his mind.
Deeming it simply impossible. As he thought about it now however, something had changed.
It no longer seemed impossible, but rather like his only solution.

_______________

“What did you idiot do?” This time Sunghoon was standing as he arrived, arms crossed and eyes focused on him. Heeseung had to smile slightly, finding it unbelievably cute.
Mrs. Choi was absent for unknown reasons - rumor has it that she had a job interview for a teaching job in a bigger city, leading to the cancellation of the lesson. Some decide to spend this free time by studying, until the next lesson would start, while others decided to simply relax or go outside. Heeseung and Sunhoon however didn’t even need to communicate. As he saw the younger leave the classroom, he followed shortly after, now not even having really to come up with an excuse, as his friends simply nodded as he looked at them, now knowing what he was really doing. It was almost too easy now, he thought to himself as he made his way to their spot.
“Nothing?” He wasn’t really sure what the other was referring to. Did he know about him finding out about the rumors regarding his mom?
“Okay, then why is everyone looking at me, while whispering?”
“They always do that”, he tried to reason, now standing directly beside the younger, slightly looking down at him.
“Not to this extend. What did you do? Be honest.”
He sighed, as he brushed through his hair. “But promise to not freak out…”
Sunghoon simply lifted his brows, which the older took as an answer enough.
“Well people have been noticing that we hang out…”, he begann, instantly seeing concern wash over his face as he now uncrossed his arms.
“But don’t worry! I got everything under control… I simply told Jay and Jungwon that the guidance counselor ordered me to talk to you, cause you don’t interact with anyone…”
“So you made me a charity case?” The other stared at him a deadpan expression on his face. He swallowed, before shaking his head.
“No no, not like that. I just told them that I hang out with you, but that you’re totally not interested and merely are tolerating me… I mean that’s almost the truth”, he tried to joke, but didn’t get a laugh out of him.

“So now everyone thinks, you’re basically trying to persuade me into getting friends, while I don’t want to interact with you?”, he mumbled more to himself really, but Heeseung still nodded.
The younger stayed quiet, licking his lips, as his brows were slightly furrowed.
“Are you worried about your mother finding out?” There was a short pause, before their eyes met. His eyes widened and a clearly surprised expression on his face.
“How do you know…?” He seemed rather hesitant in his question, his voice growing quieter. He instantly felt bad, for even mentioning it. He needed to come clean.

“While coming up with this lie, Jay mentioned your mother and I got curious… I’m sorry…”
Sunghoon stayed quiet. Simply looking at him. Expression, now again completely neutral. It scared him.
“I’m truly sorry… I don’t know what came over me… I should’ve waited for you, to open up but I simpl-“
“What exactly did they tell you?” His voice was calm, not sounding angry in the slightest, as he interrupted his mumbling. Heeseung was thrown off for a moment, not really expecting the question.
“Uhm… well they said something about you never playing with us children in the village, cause your mother is kinda…”, he paused, trying to come up with a good word.
“… overbearing and didn’t let you… well and also that she still doesn’t let you go outside in general nor interact with the others, cause she knows everyone‘s secrets… and uhm that your dad pretends to be in the military to cheat on your mom…” Stumbling over his words, he didn’t even dare to look at the other, too sacred of what his reaction would be. Of what he would say.

As he stayed quiet however, he couldn’t take it any longer, simply having to look at the younger. What he saw however left him confused. The pale boy was looking in his direction, at him but seemingly right through him. As if he was in his own world. He simply looked at him, staying quiet as he gave him time. If he was ready to talk he probably would.
And he was right. After the silence stretched itself out for minutes, while he simply kept on staring into nothingness, he finally heard his quiet voice.
“They aren’t completely wrong… but they’re also not completely right…”, he finally mumbled, their eyes meeting, as the other was back to reality.
“I don’t want you to hear some half truths somewhere else… so let me tell you what’s really going on”, he continued, but Heeseung couldn’t let it go.
“I didn’t mean to pressure you… you don’t have to-“
“But I want to.” His voice, as much as his expression was serious and firm. “You also told me about your home life and since we’re…” He stopped mid sentence, never finishing it, as he continued to speak. “I owe you as much.” It was spoken with such an intensity, that the older simply couldn’t argue with that, fully mesmerized by him.

Sunghoon sat himself down, gazing up at him, while he simply looked back down at him, lost on what exactly to do. Only when the shorter patted the space beside him, he understood and also sat down. They were close to each other. So much so that they could have whispered and still understood one another. Their eyes were still locked, none of them looking away. The situation was serious and still Heeseung wanted to do nothing more than to hold the boy and kiss him. Simply kiss all his worries away.
As he looked at him it all came crushing down on him. The decision he had made, laying heavy as he was completely taken aback simply by Sunghoon’s presence. His gaze wandered over his face, still not fully comprehending that it was him, only him who was allowed to be this close to him. Close in ways no one had ever been able to and ever would be. His deep urge to destroy the other’s beauty was still alive. Now even more so than ever. It urged him to destroy his black hair, by brushing through it, to destroy his pale skin by leaving marks all over him, ruin his soft lips by kissing them harshly and destroy his clothes by ripping them off of him. It was truly terrifying, what a hold he had on him.

“I’ll make a few things clear”, he began, mumbling quietly. Heeseung nodded simply, still not completely over his thoughts, but now trying to shift his attention again.
“First of all my dad isn’t out there cheating, claiming to be in the military…. He actually left a few days after I was born… my mom simply tells everyone that he is in the military to avoid scrutiny I guess.” Heeseung nodded slowly, before taking the younger’s hand into his, sensing that it was hard to talk about it for him. He gave him a small smile before continuing.
“She also doesn’t know anyone’s secret. But… it is true that I was never allowed and still am not, to go outside without her, with school being the only exception…. It’s because she lost many people in her life and wouldn’t be able to deal with losing me…. She often times has panic attacks… fearing that I leave or that something were to happen to me…. After school I have to be home early, cause she will be waiting for me…. I’m not allowed to hang out nor talk to sinners, which would be all of you, cause she could lose me… if I disobey be it by accident or done deliberately, she ends up hysterically crying all night, making it impossible for me to sleep…”, he mumbled, gaze not meeting his.

“Why exactly wouldn’t you be able to sleep?” There was a vague suspicion in his question, but he needed confirmation. And this confirmation came simply with the way Sunghoon bit his bottom lip. He let go of his hand, now carefully brushing through his hair and over his cheeks, before slightly lifting his face, so that he would look at him.
“Do you have to share a bed with her?” The other who was forced to look at him now, moved around with his eyes, while he tried to look as non judgmental as he could, simply conveying that he was there. He again began to gently stroke his checks. His rapid eye movement stopped, as the younger dared now to look into his eyes. His pained expression full of shame.
“I hate it Heeseung…”, he mumbled his voice broken, almost as if to cry but he didn’t shed one tear.
“I have to sleep with her in this tiny bed, while she pushes her body against mine…. I was never allowed to have any friends or social contact… I’m technically not allowed to read anything ‘thought provoking’ like philosophy… I’m not even able to lock the bathroom when I go to the toilet… I feel like… like…”
“A prisoner?”, Heeseung finished, voice soft, as the other nodded lightly.

Without thinking he simply, pulled the younger toward him, making it so that he was sitting on his lap, now hugging him tightly. He tensed for a second, before burying his face in the creek of his neck, while he would gently trace his spine with his left hand, the right hand still holding him close. They stayed like that for a while, neither one saying a word. Heeseung continued with his hand movements, while the boy in his lap simply stayed in place pressing himself closer to him. From time to time, he could feel light drops on his collarbone. There weren’t many but enough for him to notice. It broke his heart.

“I’m sorry…”, he mumbled. It was quiet again so he continued. “I’m sorry for pressuring you into telling me, I’m sorry for always trying to persuade you into taking your time one your way back home and I’m….” His eyes widened, realization hitting him right as he spoke. He quickly removed his hands from the younger, which lead to him, now leaning back a little and looking at him, slightly red eyes in confusion. “I think I just got why you hit me that time…. I was to close… It reminded you of her right?” He instantly felt stupid. “Shit I’m sorry… I’m such a piece of shit… If I’m too close right no-“
Sunghoon didn’t let him finish however, again pressing his body against him, even clumsily moving his hands, so they would be on his back again.
“You didn’t know back then”, was all he quietly mumbled, still pressed against him. Heeseung looked down at the boy, his heart swelling at the sight. A painful realization hitting him, he wanted to protect him, not sure however if he would be able to.

“Pet my back again!” He instantly smiled, before complying and again tracing his spine lightly. They stayed like this for a while. Both enjoying the warmth of each other. The day was hot, the sun shining without any disruption. And still neither one of them wanted to leave this position. No heat, nor sweating was able to separate them.
“Thanks for telling me”, he mumbled into the silence, now using his other hand to brush through the younger’s hair. He didn’t answer, just slightly pressed himself closer against his chest. He wished they could stay like this forever.

“You know you actually made everything worse…” the other lifted his head, now directly looking into his eyes. Heeseung simply stared back. Confusion written all over his face.
“Before, I was used to it… I didn’t mind it that much, cause I didn’t know it any other way… until you came into my life, forcefully destroying everything… Now I just want to stay outside longer and with you, now I wish I had my own room so you could visit me and I could lend you my books… I simply wish to spend all my time with you… I feel like I have gone mad.” His gaze was so honest as he said these words, it felt like the older’s heart would jump out of his chest. He couldn’t help himself, letting out a bright smile.
“You’re not the only one….” He looked into the other’s beautiful eyes. They made him forget everything he wanted to say. “God dammit you drive me crazy Park Sunghoon… it’s not even funny…” Sunghoon laughed at that. “Hey I said it’s not funny”, he mumbled playfully offended, but not being able to contain the smile adorning his face. Was this…?
He caught the younger’s gaze wandering towards his lips, making it impossible for him to think. So he wasted no time as he connected their lips.

They gave each other light pecks, always pulling away laughingly, before going back in again. He never thought that it was possible, but he had grown addicted to his lips, his eyes, his cute nose, his slender hands, his body, his mind. Simply everything. He pulled back, suddenly remembering the night before.
He couldn’t tell him. But as he looked into the his dark eyes full of honesty and admiration, he knew that keeping quiet, would be to deny himself.
Even though he couldn’t, he needed to do it.

“I’m going to leave.” It was short. Not stretched out with any explanation, just simply left as it was. It’s weight lying heavy now.
Sunghoon simply stared at him, expression wandering from confusion, to realization quickly. Seeing his face however changed everything. Every thought he had suddenly grew unimportant, just in this second. They were all forgotten.
“But if you tell me to stay here… I will… for you… I would do everything.” It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t something he felt like he could explain in words, he simply knew. Just one word from the other and he would stay. They both knew it.
Without saying anything the other simply climbed out of his lamp, now sitting right beside him again, making him regret even saying anything.

“Did you already plan when and how?” His voice was calm, expression neutral, as his dark eyes were carefully studying him.
“A week after the exams are over I turn 18… then I’ll leave.”
“Where to?”
“Seoul. My aunt lives there and would probably let me stay until I find something”, he explained calmly. He had actually not fully planned anything, as just yesterday he had even allowed himself to entertain this thought. A thought he had actually harbored since he had first seen his father’s violent outbursts.
Sunghoon nodded slowly, slightly licking his lips, before speaking. “How come…? I mean… why just now…? Did something happen? Is it because of your mother?” His intense gaze was still on him. It left him feeling almost nervous.
He stayed quiet, thinking about it. Not so sure himself, he decided to answer honestly however.

“Kinda…. The conflict with my mom is also a factor… but not solely… It’s kinda everything…. All these eyes on you, not being able to do anything without being judged, then all of them acting as if they know you but they don’t and I can’t even rest at home… I’m not even able to sleep… and I-“
“You don’t sleep?” Sunghoon’s voice sounded concerned, his full pair of eyebrows furrowing. He swallowed, never having told anyone about it, except his mother when he had been fourteen.
“I can’t…”, he mumbled, gaze to the ground. “Always… when I close my eyes and try to sleep I see him… my father… him punching her and me…. The few moments where I’m actually able to fall asleep are short, as I wake up from night terrors, sweating and all panicky. It almost feels like I’m eleven again… After I just repeat it… hoping to get at least two solid hours of sleep like that.”
“Since when?”
“Ever since he punched me, but it only worsened, when he started living with us again… I tried to tell my mom when I was fourteen, but she simply said that I had gone crazy and sent me to Seoul to a mental hospital for half a year… that’s actually how I met my aunt and her family for the first time.”
Sunghoon nodded. The younger had always wondered why someone with such good grades as Heeseung had to repeat a class, but putting two and two together, everything now made sense.
“You probably think I’m crazy for not being able to sleep, over something that happened years ago.” As soon as he had uttered these words, Sunghoon quickly shook his head.
“I would never think that… I also had periods in my life in which I was unable to sleep… ‘the importance of insomnia is so colossal that I am tempted to define man as the animal who cannot sleep. There is not another animal in the entire creation that wants to sleep yet cannot.’ It’s a passage from a book by Cioran, which always resonated with me when I couldn’t sleep.”

Heeseung smiled. Some sort of relive washing over him. Not even sure why he had been scared in the first place. Sunghoon was the only one to understand him. They stayed quiet for a while. The sun now shining as strong as ever. Only his plans of leaving in the air. He carefully looked at the boy beside him, who was looking right at the sky and seemingly at the sun specifically. Didn’t his eyes burn?
“Are you gay?”
If another person had asked this question, he would have probably bursted out laughing, knowing in this village that it was either a joke or a test. But the seriousness in which the younger spoke, indicated no such thing. It was random, out of nowhere, yes, but still he thought about it. There was no denying that he found Sunghoon, who was very male, very attractive and still… was that enough to be classified as gay?
“I’m not sure… but I know that I find you attractive…”, he began his ears turning a little red, by having to randomly confess such a thing. But looking at the pale boy, he was not one bit better, also blushing as his gaze was still transfixed onto the sky.
“I mean I slept with women… but now thinking about it…. I never did it because I found them or their bodies particularly attractive. I did it because they offered themselves to me and it was something that is expected from a teenage boy to never pass on. But I don’t know if I also find other boys attractive… I just never looked at them that way, because it was never a possibility… you know?” It was the first time he had ever said these words nor thought about it really. It surprised him quite a bit that he was able to express these feelings, he never even knew he had. He looked at Sunghoon, awaiting his response. Curious of what the younger would say.

“I feel the same way but about both genders… It was never a possibility for me so now I don’t even know who I find attractive, besides you of course….” He was still blushing and the older could do nothing more, than to smile slightly. The conversation was rather serious, but looking at his blushing face, paired with him returning the confession made him kinda happy.
“If I’m being honest… this is not only with my attraction the case but with everything… I simply… I feel like this environment has hindered me to figure out who I am, leaving me to be an empty shell”, he began, eyes not leaving the bright sun.
“Kant said: ‘You only know me as you see me, not as I actually am.’ But I feel like I have become the one they see and the actual me never had the chance to exist.” He smiled but it was a rather sad smile, as he now finally looked at Heeseung.
“I don’t even know what I like at this point… I mean I like philosophy but sometimes I question if I only like it because it was the one thing that was always dangled right in front of my nose… strictly forbidden for me but interacting with it way safer than it’s alternatives and the only way to feel connected to my dad…. Well and otherwise I just don’t know what I like, what I aspire, what I want…” He stopped speaking, eyes focused on Heeseung, who bit his lips. His words had touched him in a way he hadn’t thought was possible. They had shaken him awake, making him realize the thing he had always felt but never had been able to express before. Something that he had slowly come to realize with the Kafka quote, but now perfectly put into words by the other, depicting their situation.

“I’ve always felt like this… It’s like everyone knows me, except for myself. I also don’t know what I like or what I really want in life… or who I really am for a matter of fact.” Sunghoon still looked at him, now a soft smile plastered on his face, before looking at the sky again.
“Don’t do it.”
Heeseung was taken aback, as much as he was confused by his words.
“What should I not do?”, he questioned, not sure what exactly the other would answer. The answer he was given however, pained him as much as it made him happy.
“Don’t stay here. Leave. And find out for the both of us who exactly Lee Heeseung is.”

________________

The days moved by in a haze. Exams coming closer and with them his 18th birthday. A Monday.
After he would leave this village, this life and Sunghoon behind. It was something he didn’t try to come to terms with, simply ignoring the fact that he would be separated from the boy. He had now started to plan his departure throughout. Even had started to contact his aunt, through his cousin whose number he had. Surprisingly she quickly agreed to his request of staying with them. They had last seen each other when her estranged sister had send her disturbed fourteen year old to a mental hospital, asking her to keep an eye on him. He had been fourteen, almost the same age as her son. Now again they were nice enough to let him stay with them, even seeming to be excited about it. Especially his cousin Jake. He was pretty neutral on him. When he had met him, he had kinda other things on his mind, not really forming an impression on his cousin but he had been nice enough that they had exchanged numbers, which his mother hadn’t deleted upon his return, like he had done with her sisters number. They hadn’t stayed in contact though, well that was until now.

His plan was to stay with his aunt and her family for a few weeks. They had a room free for him. Firstly he would get himself a job, earning enough money to hopefully be able to find his own place, before looking into finishing school. They were really nice but he didn’t feel comfortable living with them for longer than necessary. Realistically they were strangers to him, simply a way for him to escape.
It was a pretty naive plan, that highly depended on luck. He knew as much, but still everything was better than staying. And with Sunghoon’s okay, nothing held him back.

Speaking of which. He wasn’t quite sure if it was, because he was about to leave, meaning that they would probably not see each other for a while or quite possibly for ever, since Sunghoon’s phone was strictly supervised and he didn’t really plan on returning to the village, but the two of them grew bolder and bolder each day. Their kisses growing more impatient, as their hands grew more demanding, touching each other all over the place, whenever they found the time. The tension between the two of them growing thicker and thicker, while Heeseung wasn’t sure for how long he would be able to control himself. Call him selfish but he really wanted to claim the younger before leaving. Marking him as his and his only.

They grew so desperate that they didn’t even talk on most breaks. Heeseung simply walked up to the already sitting boy leaned himself over him, before connecting their lips. The other would gladly return, as the older would gently push him down, hovering over him, not caring that they were now laying on the floor. To busy with each other.
That was the position they found each other in just now. It was only ten days until the first exam would start. Everybody was tense but not these two, at least not because of the upcoming exams. They were simply focused on each other. Seizing every opportunity. Their tongues were moving against each other, as he was hovering above the younger, who had his arms around his neck. Their kiss grew more heated as Heeseung started to roam his hands under his shirt, gently touching his torso and getting a slight moan out of the younger’s lips, which was muffled by their mouths still pressed on each other’s. While exploring the younger’s body, he grew a little more bold with his movements, now lifting his shirt lightly to expose his pale skin.

“You’re beautiful”, he was only just able to mumble, before breaking off the kiss, now kissing the other’s neck, who was trying to hold in his moans, not always succeeding. It made him proud. Proud that he was the one who got him moaning like that. He kept on kissing his neck, resisting his urge to leave marks on him. He knew he simply couldn’t, even though they would look like a piece of art on his pale skin. Not even fully registering it, they had by now started to grind against each other. Both painfully hard in their shorts. He only realized it as Sunghoon started to grind more desperately against him, getting an embarrassingly loud moan out of his lips. Now he lost any bit of self control that was left, leaving his neck alone, as he now again pressed his lips forcefully onto his. Their lips immediately finding their rhythm and their tongues quickly beginning to tease each other. Sunghoon’s tongue movements growing bolder, but the older still taking control. As they heavily made out, they were now full on dry humping each other, as they moaned into each other’s mouth. He knew that Sunghoon was a virgin but couldn’t stop, his hands resting on his hips, to accompany his forceful trusts. It all just felt to good, leaving him more and more hungry the further they went on.

This intimate moment was interrupted as the younger suddenly pulled away. Hair messed up, lips swollen and eyes glassy. Heeseung couldn’t resist as he leaned down. Again kissing the younger who, almost automatically returned the kiss for a short while, before again pulling away.
“St…stop…”, he breathlessly got out, leading Heeseung to immediately stop in his tracks, a concerned expression on his face.
“You okay? Did I hurt you?
He quickly shook his head, swallowing as he simply tried to regain his composure.
“No you didn’t hurt me… but if we continue like this I’ll cum in my pants…”
Heeseung simply hummed. “And that would be bad why?”
The boy still pinned down by him, gave him a look as if he had lost his mind. “Because we still have class and I don’t want to uncomfortably shift in my seat, in my cum stained shorts…? Plus if my mom came to find out… I would be dead…”
Heeseung sighed lightly, before lifting himself up and sitting himself down. “I guess you’re right…”, he mumbled as he brushed through his hair, trying to calm down himself, as he also didn’t want to show up to class with a visible raging boner. As his gaze wandered to the other however who now also sat himself up and brushed through his totally ruffled hair, he wanted to do nothing more than to pin him down again and….

“I really wanna do you.” Quietness took over, as Sunghoon turned around to him and looking at him with wide eyes, while he could do nothing more than to return his gaze equally as shocked. Why did he have to say this out loud? He could feel the heat rushing to his face, completely turning red, equally as red as his counterpart, who was now even hiding his face in his hands.
“You can’t simply say something like this”, he complained, barely understandable because his hands were still covering his face. After a few seconds of silence however, he removed his hands, slightly looking at him from the corner of his eyes.
“But I wouldn’t mind if you did?”
That was all he needed to hear, as he moved behind the younger, putting his hands on his waist.
“Say that again”, he whispered from behind into his ear, his arousal having come back ten times as forceful now. The younger wanted him as much as he did. It was like some dream come true. Too shy to repeat it, he simply shook his head, making him grin.
“It’s okay. I’ve heard you the first time. Loud and clear.” He pressed a kiss on the other’s cheek, who quickly turned his head to kiss him fully again. This kiss was however rather innocent in comparison to the kiss prior. Without any tongues involved they simply moved their lips against each other.

The sound of the bell interrupted them. He simply groaned as they had to pull away, making the younger laugh a little.
“Oh someone seems to be awfully upset.” Heeseung pouted, making him laugh even more. He had to grin, he liked seeing him laugh like this, it put his mind at ease a little, knowing that he would leave him behind soon.
“Well I wanted to do you.” These words earned him a playful eye roll. “I will not sleep with you outside let alone at the back of the school…”
“Okay… where would you sleep with me?” Seemingly not expecting the question, the younger licked his lips, not answering for a short moment.
“I mean… ideally speaking I would love for our first time together to be at either of our houses, but since that’s impossible, we’ll have to pass”, he simply explained, shrugging his shoulders.
“We could do it at my house?”
“Do you really think you would be able get in the mood there, plus how would I be able to go there without my mother getting suspicious?” While talking, he gently pulled himself away from the older, before slowly standing up.
Heeseung sighed. “You’re right…” The pale boy looked down at him, an expecting expression on his face.
“Yeah I know… you’re always right”, Heeseung quickly added, reaching his hand out for the other, who quickly grabbed it, pulling him up.
“I trained you really well”, he said a content smile on his lips. “Now hurry we’re probably already late.” With still interviewend, hands he simply let himself get dragged inside.

________

So they continued, having to settle for heavy make out sessions, which would stop right as one of them was about to cum. It was kinda frustrating but they couldn’t risk others, besides knowing that they hung out, also figuring out what exactly they did at their hangouts.
Today however was different. He felt it right as he walked up to the younger, just to find him nervously play with his fingers.
“Hey….” The younger flinched a little, which earned him a concerned gaze from Heeseung, as he sat himself down beside him.
“You okay? You seem a little tense today…”, he now looked at him, while the other slowly started to return his gaze. His face seemingly neutral. If he hadn’t come to easily read his body language, he could’ve probably be fooled, assuming that the younger was rather calm. But he was able to look right through him.
“Yeah.. it’s…”, he begann, their eyes still on each other. “My mom normally only takes the early shifts at her work, to make sure she’s at home when I return from school… but Mrs. Kim fell from a ladder and probably has to get her hip replaced, so my mom has to cover the afternoon shift…”
Heeseung stayed quiet, his eyes fully transfixed on the younger. Did that mean what he thought that meant?
“Meaning?”
“I’d have the house to myself till about 5pm.”
They simply looked at each other. Both their heartbeats quicken. The implication clear. Never in his life had Heeseung been as excited as he had been terrified. The rest of the break they spend quietly, thinking to themselves, both not sure what to expect.

____________

The way back from school was quiet and quick, not as quick as usually, since they didn’t have to run but they didn’t waste any time. He quietly followed the younger after they had reached the birch tree, where their ways always had parted. Until now. They kept on walking for eight minutes or so. Heeseung wasn’t totally unfamiliar with this part of the village, even though only a few houses were located there, since it wasn’t far from the church, he had used to attend when he had been younger.
They crossed the small bridge, under which a small stream would flow, before walking the narrow road on which five houses were located in a row. They walked all the way down before halting at the second to last house, before a big field on which a few cows were eating in peace would cut off the street after the last house.
He simply stood there, a small distance between them, as Sunghoon opened the door. The house was rather big, bigger than his at least and Ivy adorned the otherwise stoned exterior. It looked old and not really taken care of, except for the bare minimum. Still it had its charm. His eyes wandered to the pale boy, who seemingly struggled to open the door.

“You okay?”, he asked, walking closer, so that he now stood directly behind him. Sunghoon’s face was transfixed onto the door and the key in his hand. He simply followed his gaze, just to find his hand to profoundly tremble.
“Sunghoon?”, he tried again, almost in a whisper. The younger’s eyes slowly found his, before quickly looking away.
“It’s kinda funny… it feels like she knows that I am disobeying her, even though she isn’t here…. It scares the shit out of me.”
“Should we simply let it go?” It was quiet for a moment, before he turned around with such a force, that he had to take a step back. His gaze full of determination.
“No! I want to do it… you’ll leave soon and call me selfish but this is the only time I will be able to be this close to you!” Until now they had not talked about his soon coming departure, but the fact the he wasn’t the only one struggling to let this, whatever this was, go was like a gentle hug to his soul. He simply nodded, not being able to disagree with the pale boy, who quickly turned around, trying once again to open the door. His trembling hand however making it impossible. Heeseung stepped forward again, gently taking the key away from him, before softly pushing him aside.
“Let me!” With these words he simply put the key inside the lock and opened the door with a click.

Sunghoon went in first and Heeseung followed right behind him. They quickly removed their shoes, before he started to look around a bit. The inside was in complete contrast to his own home. The walls were painted in a light and warm orange, heavily decorated with pictures, mostly of a young Sunghoon and a young woman, who looked kinda familiar. It was probably his mother. A slight smile formed on his lips as he looked at a little Sunghoon with a bowl cut smiling directly at the camera, a few baby teeth missing. It was adorable how little he had changed in his appearance. As he looked around there were also quite a few drawings or childishly crafted things hung up. Things a child would typically bring tons of back from kindergarten and elementary school. All in all, was it extremely cozy inside, but knowing what he knew now left him feeling a little bit uneasy. One could see the obsession Sunghoon’s mother had with her son.
“I know it’s kinda a lot probably…”, the younger spoke into the silence, following his wandering gaze. He simply shook his head, not letting his discomfort show. “No it’s cute.” They both knew that he was lying. In a sense it reminded him of his mother, but instead of him she had become obsessed with her deceased husband.

“You haven’t changed one bit! You should cut your hair like that again”, he joked, pointing at the picture of the younger with the bowl cut, leading to him rolling his eyes.
“Haha really funny.” The older simply smiled. As much as they tried to seem casual, he could sense the younger’s discomfort as he was standing in the hallway like he was lost.
“Uhm… do you want to drink something?” He nodded. “Yes.”
“Water?” He nodded again. The younger walked down the hallway and he simply followed, not sure if it was okay, but since he heard no complaints he simply assumed it to be. After the hallway followed the living room, from which one could either go to the kitchen or up the stairs and probably to the second floor. He waited there as the younger made his way to the kitchen.
One would assume that nobody would have such a large collection of photos and decorations dedicated to one person, but looking at how full also the living room was with Sunghoon, it almost felt like he had entered a museum of the younger. The more he looked at it the more creeped out he got, now simply looking at the floor. It didn’t take long before the younger returned with two glasses of water, handing him one. They drank in silence, simply staring at each other as they finished.
“You finished?” He nodded quietly. “Okay I’ll quickly put them in the sink”, he mumbled, before taking the glass from him and disappearing into the kitchen again. When he came back they simply stood there for a moment. Both unsure of how exactly to proceed now. It was so quiet, that one could easily hear a needle drop. He swallowed, nervously, before looking at the younger, who was looking everywhere but at him. He had to smile slightly.

“So how-?”
“Should we go upstairs?” They both began at the same time, but he simply interrupted his sentence to let the younger speak, who by now had completely turned red.
“Ah sorry for interrupting you I just thought…”, he begann, not finishing his sentence. Heeseung took a step forward, gently taking his hand. He finally looked at him, before Heeseung pressed a gentle kiss on his cheek.
“Yeah let’s go upstairs”, he whispered.
Without another word, but with intertwined hands they walked up the stairs. They didn’t creek like the ones at his home.
He let the other guide the way. His hand was still trembling a little, while he opened the first door on the right as they reached the second floor.
The room was rather empty compared to the other rooms. The walls were clear, also painted in the same color as the rest of the house and apart from a bed in the middle and a bedside table on the left, the room was completely empty. The bed was small, clearly meant to accommodate only one person.
He felt a chill run down his spine, as he imagined a sixteen year old boy being forced to sleep here with his mother. It was cruel. Sunghoon looked at him, almost as if he waited for him to do something. But he simply couldn’t.

“I want to make this special for you… but are you sure that you want to lose your virginity here…? On the bed you have to share with her?” The air was thick, after he had said these words. Sunghoon had bitten his lips, gaze fixated on the bed.
“It looks pretty tiny right?” Heeseung nodded, before speaking. “It’s almost unbelievable that two people can fit into it.”
A sad smile formed on Sunghoon’s lips. It made him immediately feel guilty. He squeezed his hand lightly.
“Is there another room where we could… have some privacy?” He had seen three other doors, so there was a good chance. The younger stayed quiet for a moment, almost as if he was too scared to speak. Heeseung simply gave him the time he needed. Even if they wouldn’t sleep with each other, he would never hold it against the younger.

“There would only be my father’s old study at best…”, he mumbled and Heeseung gave him an encouraging smile.
“Then let’s take a look there, shall we? Lead the way.”
They quickly left the bedroom, making their way to the last door on the left, which Sunghoon opened with much more ease.
The room was different from the others. The walls never being painted, simply left to be white. A large but empty bookshelf took all the space on the left side of the room, while on the right side, near the door a small table with a chair, was located. On the right corner, almost by the window was a green sofa. It was barely bigger than the bed in the bedroom, but they could make use of it. It was a little dusty in the room, but he felt more comfortable than he had in any other room. He focused on the boy beside him, who was already staring at him.
“Would you feel more comfortable doing it here?” He smiled a little, before nodding. “Definitely…”
“Good, me too…”, he mumble, dropping his backpack to the floor, before quickly pulling the younger towards him. They were now standing right in front of each other, as he brushed a strand of hair out of his face. Admiring how pretty he was.
“You’re beautiful.” His eyes widened, as he instantly turned red. It had always been him that had complimented the younger’s appearance, which made it weird for him hearing him say it this time.
Heeseung was quite realistic and knew. He knew that he was handsome, beautiful, gorgeous…. You name it, but coming out of Sunghoon’s mouth, it simply meant the world. He put his hands on the younger’s waist, leaning forward a bit, as he pressed a quick kiss on his lips.
“You’re way more beautiful… inside and out”, he whispered against his lips, could already see the way the blushing boy wanted to argue, but simply interrupted him, by lifting him up. A surprised sound left his lips, while he could do nothing more than to look up at him and give him a teasing grin.
“Wrap your legs around me.” The younger did as he was told, before he walked across the room, but not without pushing the door closed first and making his way to the sofa, where he simply dropped the younger off, hovering himself above him.

“You’re heavy.”
“You’re just weak.” He had to grin at that, before his expression turned serious. Eying the boy below him, whose face was red and black shirt had ridden up a bit exposing his belly button a little, lips slightly parted and awaiting gaze on him. It drove him crazy.
“Can I kiss you?”
Now it was Sunghoon who gave him a teasing grin. “Since when are you asking again?”
“I don’t know… I… can I?” He didn’t feel like playful banter anymore, wanting nothing more than to finally claim the boy. A shy nod was enough, before he crashed their lips together. It started out slow, their lips moving against each other. Simply taking their time. He could still feel the slight hesitation in Sunghoon’s movement. Heeseung simply interviewed their hands, continuing to kiss the boy softly. It didn’t take long before he finally calmed down a little, becoming more and more immersed in their kiss. They had kissed often but this was different. This kiss harbored a promise, a goodbye and many confessions. They communicated everything they hadn’t dared to these last five days.

Sunghoon gently licked his bottom lip after a while and he immediately granted him entrance. Their tongues slowly started to move against each other, already so familiar with each other that they quickly found their rhythm. With Heeseung taking control and Sunghoon granting it to him. While his right hand was intertwined with the younger’s left hand, his own left hand, drew circles around his exposed hip. His skin was just as soft as his lips. They kissed like this for a while, Sunghoon’s right arm wrapped around his neck pulling him closer. It was a tight fit, these two boys on this small sofa but it simply felt right.
After a while he slowly pulled away, catching his breath but not for long, as he quickly got pulled down again, their lips now moving more frantic. He let go of the youger’s hand and now put both his hands on his waist, holding him tightly in place. Their tongues now moving in a way faster rhythm, not as coordinated as before. The kiss grew messy, their desperation growing clearer and clearer.

Heeseung pulled away again, but not for long, now kissing along his jaw, before moving down to his neck. Kissing every inch of it. The younger moaned silently, holding back a little, just like he had done at school. He completely pulled away, looking again at the boy of his desires, who looked right back at him. Furiously blushing, with slightly swollen lips. He kissed him again softly, before pulling away and whispering in his ear. “We’re alone… no need to hold back. I wanna hear you.”
These words alone got a loud moan out of the younger. He had to smile. Satisfied with this beautiful sound.
“Yeah just like that Sunghoon.” And with that he got back to kissing his neck, enjoying every sound he was able to get out of him. While kissing his neck, he started to move his hands under his shirt. Gently touching the younger who grew more and more squirmy, always moving around. It was truly adorable. He wished he could mark him. Show everyone in this god damn village that he belonged to him.

He kept going, until Sunghoon’s hand gently pulled his head away. Confused he looked at him, almost out of breath and totally in trance. But he simply sat himself up a little, before slowly removing his shirt. Heeseung simply stared at him. Like a starving man he eyed every inch of his pale torso. Losing every sense of self control, he simply pushed him down again, hungrily attacking his exposed upper body, leaving kisses everywhere. No longer trying to stay quiet, only his shaky moans filled the room, growing louder as he suddenly felt a tongue around one of his nipples, while the other one quickly got its attention from the older’s big hand. He sucked on his nipple until it hardened, repeating the same movement with the other one. Getting off on his moans. If he had known that this kind of encounter could look like this, he would’ve become addicted a long time ago. Still not letting go of his poor abused nipples, he now started to gently bite down on them, before sucking harsher. He did this for one of them, while twisting the other between his finger. Always switching between them.
“Ahh Hee… mmh… Heeseung…” He let go off his chest, looking down at his hardened pink nipples, fighting every urge in him to not dive down again. He could do this for hours. But as he looked up at the other’s face, he quickly began to hungrily kiss him. The way his face looked, slight tears in his eyes, turned on because of him. It was crazy truly crazy. They again were moving their lips against each other, their tongues instantly moving inside each other’s mouths.
They had now begun to rut their hips against each other. Both by now having grown hard in their shorts. This time it wasn’t him who broke off the kiss, but Sunghoon, who gently held his face in both his hands. A string of saliva loosely still connecting them. Normally he would have found this to be disgusting. But with him it was different. Everything was different. He looked into his beautiful eyes, wanting to do nothing more than to kiss him again, but he stayed patient, as the younger softly caressed his cheeks with his thumbs. He simply closed his eyes, enjoying the soft touch. It made him feel warm and secure, took away every ounce of worry he had harbored away. He could be truly happy, simply being subjected to this forever. Was it too much to ask? As the other gave him a soft but short lived kiss, he couldn’t hold it in. A loud, embarrassingly desperate moan leaving his lips. He slowly opened his eyes, embarrassment washing over him, but the soft almost adoringly smile the younger gave him, let every bit of shame he had felt until now fade away.

“I don’t want to be the only shirtless one.”
Heeseung quickly took the hint, immediately removing his own dark blue shirt, throwing it to the floor. He could feel the younger’s eyes on him. It felt different. He knew what it was like to be the object of desire to someone, always could feel their disgusting gaze on him and his body. It always left him feeling like someone selling their body almost. As if he gave his body away, stripping it away from its owner. It was a moment of detachment, while never being able to fully escape the painful awareness that his body was no longer his.
Right now however, he felt vulnerable, in a way almost shy. The disgust no longer there, only a sense of something similar to closeness. Like he wasn’t giving away his body completely but rather shared it with another person, who in return also shared himself with Heeseung. It felt like both of them giving a part of themselves, a part of each other, without losing themselves. It was truly different from any other sexual encounter he ever had. It mad him shy, as he felt himself blushing.
“You can… you can touch me…”

The younger quickly nodded before starting to gently trace his body with his long slender fingers. Heeseung who never was one to get affected lightly by such simple touches, was now moaning like the women he had been with before. Who he’d always assumed had put on these moans to seem sexy. He simply couldn’t have imagined something feeling this good. Well now here he was, moaning just from the younger brushing against his chest. But he truly lost it, when he got pulled closer again, just to feel lips on his jaw, slowly going down to his neck, like he had done before. Sunghoon, other than him, left soft light kisses on his neck, but quite a lot them. And the older? He could do nothing more than to moan loudly, growing harder and harder every minute. He quickly stopped the younger in his movement, by grabbing his waist.
“Stop… or I’ll cum.” Sunghoon simply nodded with a blush, immediately stopping what he was doing. They stayed like this for a while, both catching their breaths. Simply looking at each other.
“I’m scared…”, the younger confessed quietly, as Heeseung closed his eyes for a second. “Me too…” he admitted for the first time in his life. They didn’t specify. Didn’t need to. They simply got each other. He opened his eyes again, looking at the smiling boy.
“Let’s be scared together.”

They kissed again after. This time more slowly, as they both got rid of their pants. Now only in underwear, the both of them continued to move their lips against each other. Savoring every bit of this moment. They didn’t grind against each other, both knowing that they would immediately cum if they were to. And they didn’t want to finish like that. It didn’t take long until Heeseung pulled away, slightly pulling at the waistband of the other’s boxer
“May I?” The answer came quick in form of an eager nod. With this confirmation he simply pulled his boxer down, now being able to look at him in his full glory. Again getting proven, that Park Sunghoon truly was the most beautiful person he had ever laid his eyes upon. It was truly absurd. Without thinking he put his hand around his hard length, slowly stroking it. But quickly got stopped. “Ahh… I’ll cum… I.. I don’t want to cum like this please…”, he whined and Heeseung immediately kissed him, moving his hand slowly to his entrance. He knew that they had to move to the main part quick, as both of them were on the verge of finishing. Carefully he pressed his finger against his rim, before pushing it inside. It was tight, he swallowed. Unsure of what to do. He quickly removed his finger. They didn’t have lube or anything, since there was no possibility for them of buying it without the whole village knowing about it the next day. So he simply used his spit, as he reentered his finger. He moved it for a while, listening to Sunghoon’s sweet moans, before adding another one. Slowly he began to work the younger open, who was moaning in a mixture of pain and pleasure. He kept going, pressing soft kisses onto his lips, when his face would frown in pain or a strained moan would leave his lips

“I’m ready…”, the other mumbled after a while, but the older was still not fully convinced.
“Are you sure?” He simply nodded, gaze almost impatiently. “Now please do it… I can’t wait anymore…”
He didn’t need to tell him twice, as he quickly lost his own already stained boxers, also throwing them carelessly to the floor. They were both now fully naked, but it didn’t feel awkward in the slightest. Both of them consumed by their lust, as he positioned himself between the younger’s legs, who had spread them to give him space.
He spit in his hand before stroking himself a few times, as he positioned himself.
“Tell me if it’s too much.” He slowly pushed himself inside, both moaning at the painful tightness, before he slipped away.
“Ah shit…” He repositioned himself quickly, trying to push in again, but again slipping away. He grew nervous, as he tried another time and again not succeeding. Now cursing under his breath he wanted to try once more, but got interrupted by the younger.
“Maybe we should try another position.”
And that’s how he found himself on his back, Sunghoon above him, slowly sliding himself down on his dick. They got it inside like this at their second attempt. Both letting out a pained moan. It was truly a tight fit, for both of them. Sunghoon had his hands on his chest for support, while he held onto his waist. It didn’t take long for Heeseung’s pain to change into pleasure. A lustful moan leaving his lips, as the younger tried to adjust himself a little, to ease his pain.
They stayed like this for a while, Sunghoon trying to get over this pain, while the older simply caressed him, giving him all the time he needed. When he suddenly started to lift himself a little, before starting to push himself down again, Heeseung completely lost it, throwing his head back as he now shamelessly moaned.
“Fuck… Sung… mmh Sunghoon…”

It didn’t take them long to find a steady rhythm, as now both of them started to find pleasure. The pain long gone. Only their moans and the sound of skin clapping against each other being heard. Sunghoon slowly but steadily moved himself on his length. His own head thrown back and his eyes closed.
They quickly changed positions again, so that Heeseung was again on top. Entering him, this time worked much easier, as he now started to thrust inside the younger. Their bodies were pressed against each other, as they kissed. It was messy, awkward and not really comfortable, the small sofa making itself more and more recognizable. Still it was the most intimate thing both of them had ever experienced. It felt like they were drowning in each other. There was just the other person. Their smell, their sounds, their taste, feeling them around and inside them. It was intoxicating. Heeseung thrusts grew faster and faster, no longer following a rhythm. Answering the younger’s sinful moans, with his own, solely being muffled by their lips.
They orgasmed embarrassingly early. Sunghoon on his stomach and Heeseung deep inside him. He pulled out, making them both moan quietly, as they laid there. None of them moving for quite a while. Slowly coming to the realization what they had shared with each other just now. After a while they moved their bodies so that they were able to cuddle somewhat. They were messy and dirty. Stained with their cum and sweat, but they didn’t care, as Sunghoon had his head laid on his chest, while he gently caressed his hair. His gaze fixated on the boy. Even now all sweaty and tired, his hair a total mess, was he the most beautiful person in his eyes.

“So how was it?”, he decided to break the silence, observing every tiny movement the younger may make.
“Awesome.” He answered with such a speed and honesty, that he had to laugh a little.
“How about you?” He had moved his head a little to be able to look up at him. Heeseung quickly pressed a kiss against his lips, before answering. “Absolutely amazing. The best I ever had.”
Sunghoon rolled his eyes. “Stop lying.”
“I’m not,” he said truthfully, eyes locked onto the younger, who analyzed his face, searching for an indication of him lying, but he wasn’t. Sex truly had never quite felt like this.
“Not even with the old lady?”
“Not even with the reasonably aged lady.”
Sunghoon kissed him smilingly and he happily returned. They gave each other small pecks for a while, neither of them wanting to leave this moment. But reality was stronger than everything they wanted.

They quickly got dressed, not being able to fully clean themselves however, since Sunghoon was scared that his mother would somehow find out if they took a shower. Heeseung simply complied, cleaning himself up just with a wet towel the younger brought them.
“Why aren’t there any books in this bookshelf?”, he questioned as he was now fully dressed, standing in front of it. Sunghoon who was in the midst of opening the window, still a little weak in his steps, turned to him.
“My mom threw all of his books out, after my dad left… and since then she has never entered this room again…”, he explained, before making his way to him. “But let me show you something.” He led him back to the sofa, before pulling out a book and then another one and another from directly behind it. “I hide books here my mom would never ever allow me to read otherwise … wait…” Heeseung stood beside the sofa, where he had been deep inside the other just fifteen minutes ago, as he watched him dig around and search for something in particular. It took him a few seconds, but as he found it, he quickly got up from the sofa, a book in his hand. “This was the first complete book on philosophy I have read and it changed everything”, he explained before handing it to him.
“The World as Will and Representation, Volume I”, he read the title out loud, smiling to himself.
“So I can thank this book for giving me my little Einstein?”
“Basically”, he nodded a soft smile on his lips.
“It’s about the nature of representation and the way in which the world appears to us in our minds and if you read-“, he got interrupted by his growling stomach, immediately turning red.
Heeseung lifted his brows.

“Are you okay?”
He simply nodded. “Yeah just haven’t eaten today…” Immediately concern washed over his face. The younger truly was the only person who could evoke such a feeling in him.
“Why?” He avoided his gaze, looking to the side.
“Sunghoon.”
“When my mom told me yesterday, that she would be away, I decided not to eat… so I would be clean…” , he mumbled quietly, almost making it impossible for him to hear it. But he did in fact hear him. It took him a few seconds to understand, but as he did a soft smile formed on his lips.
“And I thought you were the smart one between the two of us”, he mumbled, while pulling him towards him with the one hand, that wasn’t currently holding the book he had been given.
“I wouldn’t have cared if you had been ‘dirty’, but I care if you don’t eat.” They were now again standing so close to each other that he could feel the other’s breath hitch.
“Promise me to not do it again…”
Sunghoon started to blush, before slightly nodding.
“Words.”
“I promise.” He smiled before connecting their lips again. They kissed slowly. Almost innocently, compared to what they had done in this room just a short while ago and still his heart beat was so loud that he was sure that the younger could actually hear it. Just then right there, he knew. He pulled away, caressing his cheeks, gaze soft.
“Sunghoon I-“

The sound of keys opening the door, interrupted them. Sunghoon froze for a moment, just now realizing what was going on. His mother had returned.
“What time is it?!” The panic is his voice was unbearable, he swallowed, before glancing at his watch.
“4pm…”
“Shit why is she already here…. Shit shit shit…”, he sounded like he wanted to cry as he quickly closed the window and hid the books away.
“Stay here!”, he said, before leaving the room, closing the door behind him.

“Sunghoonie baby! I am back!”
As Sunghoon made his way downstairs, he tried to not show how scared he was. That was until he saw his mother’s serious expression, holding Heeseung’s pair of shoes in the air. She looked at the shoes, before looking at him, who just now had made his way to the hallway.
“Hello mam-“
“Whose shoes are these?”, her tone was hard, her face showing nothing more than hurt. He swallowed.
“They are mine.”
“Stop lying… whose are these?!” She was on the verge of crying. He didn’t know what to do, simply frozen in place.
“I…”
“They are mine.”
He turned around to find Heeseung, now also standing in the hallway.

He simply couldn’t. Couldn’t leave the younger alone to deal with this. That was why he followed him and quickly chimed in. Slowly coming closer and standing himself right in front of Sunghoon, who looked at him in fear. It was the first time he had seen the expression to this extend on his face. It scared him, but he tried not to show it, as he finally looked at the root of his fear. His mother.
His eyes widened however as he recognized the woman, in front of him holding his shoes.
“Oh you’re the little boy from the kiosk! Lee Heeseung.” She smiled. Or at least tried too. It was more like a grimace, to hide her true feelings, but he could easily read her. Her words now coming back to him. ‘… my son…in the same grade…’, she had been talking about Sunghoon. That explained the weird feeling he’d had about her.

“Ah yes that’s me auntie…”, he forced, now also smiling.
“I didn’t know that you were… friends.” He could see how Sunghoon shuddered at her words. He himself felt that deep threat in the way she spoke. He needed to think quickly. He wouldn’t throw the younger under the bus.
“Well… we’re not really auntie”, he now pouted. Her curious gaze turning from her son to him.
“What do you mean?”
“I really don’t want to get Sunghoon in trouble”, he lied, giving him a quick glance, but the pale boy was simply looking at the floor.
“Don’t worry darling… just tell me if my son hasn’t been nice to you…”
He sighed theatrically, before continuing speaking. “He just doesn’t want to be friends with me…”
Her eyes sparkled, as she slowly looked at her son and then back at him.
“I came here to get the answers of some worksheets from him since I have been sick and he’s one of the few people who always do their work… but he didn’t want to let me in until I practically had to force him… and after, he simply told me that I could quickly take a look at his notes but would have to leave right after…. He’s really mean to me auntie…”
She now looked at Sunghoon, who slowly looked up. She simply stared for a while. It scared him a little, but the younger simply returned the gaze, face completely neutral.
“Is this true Sunghoon?”
There was a slight hesitation, before he nodded. He hoped she hadn’t seen it. “Yes mama…”

She shook her head, but her eyes betrayed her. “That’s not how I taught you!”, she lied, as Sunghoon again looked down. “Sorry mama…”
She now focused her attention on Heeseung. “I apologize for my son’s behavior… ever since his father left for the military he always had trouble making friends… I truly appreciate your effort though… Do you want to stay for dinner?”
The question threw him off. He wanted to say ‘yes’, simply to make sure that the younger would be okay. From the side of his eyes, he met the other’s gaze, who simply looked at him. He could read the answer from his eyes. On the inside sighing.
“No sorry auntie… I have to go back home.”
“Aww that’s sad… well here are your shoes dear.” She gave him his shoes, with a force that surprised him. It was subtle but he could feel the way she communicated for him to get lost, never ever nearing her or her son. He quickly put his shoes back on, still being able to feel her observing gaze on him. As he finished he simply stood there.

“Well thanks Sunghoon for explaining it to me and thanks auntie for the invitation…”
“No problem darling…” she followed him to the door, opening it. As he stepped out, he looked back however. Looking at her and Sunghoon behind her, giving him a small smile. He could tell that he was scared and simply didn’t want to worry him. He hated it.
“Greet your mother from me”, her empty voice came, as she smiled equally as empty at him. “And next time you have to stay for dinner.” Lies
“I will.” All lies.
“Goodbye.” He got a last glance at the younger, before she closed the door. He stood there for a second, before simply turning around and running. His mind occupied by the younger. A deep fear inside of him. Would he be okay?

____________

He didn’t come to school the next day. Or the day after for a matter of fact. He didn’t come for the whole week. Heeseung grew worried. Not being able to eat or do anything. Not being able to think about anything besides Sunghoon and his well being. Guilt eating him up. It was his fault, that the younger had gotten in trouble. Only his.
Every day after school he would walk up until the old birch tree and stand there, thinking about going to his home. To make sure that he was okay. That she hadn’t had done anything to him. But he knew that it would make everything worse. So he simply turned around. Every day walking a little closer to his house but never fully walking up there.
Until now. He stood right in front of the house, everything in him urged him to turn around but he didn’t. He simply rang the bell and waited. But nothing. The house stayed quiet. He rang again. Nothing. By now he was banging against the door.
“Sunghoon!” “Sunghoon!” He knew that it was stupid of him to be this loud but he didn’t care. Panic washing over him as he kept trying, just to be greeted with silence in return.

_____________

“You already know how it works but I have to repeat it as always. As soon as you get your exams, talking is strictly forbidden. You’re allowed to eat, drink and go to the toilet but only one person at a time and they have to report to me. After the first person has handed in their exam, nobody is allowed anymore to go to the toilet.” He didn’t listend, hadn’t even studied. Sunghoon, who he still hadn’t seen and him leaving in around thirteen days was all he could think about. If he was honest however, he hadn’t really thought about his plan to leave. Sunghoon being the only thing that occupied his mind. He didn’t care about anything else. Simply couldn’t. Today he would go to his house again. Even if he had to break in, he would do it, just to make sure that Sunghoon was okay. No matter what it would take.

His thoughts were interrupted, as whispers filled the room. He slowly looked up. His heart stoped for a moment, as a tall figure wearing a baseball cap slipped right through the door, just as the teacher was about to close it. His head was low, as he made his way to the last row, but this was still undeniably Sunghoon. His Sunghoon.
Heeseung could finally breathe again, knowing that the younger was okay. He shamelessly turned around, simply to look at him, but he didn’t even as much as glance at him.
“Park no hats! Please remove it”, the teacher demanded. Now all gazes were on him, if they hadn’t been before, but he simply didn’t react.
“Park!” The teacher’s voice grew louder and with it the whispering of the others. Slowly Sunghoon removed his hat, making everyone gasp.
As he now revealed a black eye.
Heeseung’s heart sank to the floor.

Chapter Text

”’I am too old and sad to play,’ said the boy.
‘I want a boat that will take me far away from here. Can you give me a boat?’
‘Cut down my trunk and make a boat,’ said the tree.
‘Then you can sail away... and be happy.’
And so the boy cut down her trunk and made a boat and sailed away.
And the tree was happy
... but not really.”

The little boy giggled, while looking up at his mother. “This story is silly mommy!” She smiled fondly at him, before gently poking his tummy, careful not to hit his head with the book.
“What? Silly? There’s nothing silly about it! You’re the one that’s silly.”
As she was now tickling him and he was laughing like no worry in the world, she was almost able to forget everything. It all didn’t hurt as much anymore. She stopped tickling her little boy. Watching him as he caught his breath, before her gaze wandered around and outside. A soft rain was hitting against the window, making a dull sound, that never failed in its calming qualities. She smiled.

“Rain, midnight rain, nothing but the wild rain
On this bleak hut, and solitude, and me
Remembering again that I shall die
And neither hear the rain nor give it thanks
For washing me cleaner than I have been
Since I was born into this solitude.”

“What’s that mommy?” His big brown eyes looked up at her. They were so much darker than his. More similar to her own. She smiled softly. “It’s the beginning of a poem… someone I loved always said it to me.” A sad smile was adorning her lips, as she was forced to remember.
“Who? Daddy?”
She slowly shook her head. Almost wanting to laugh at that as she could feel her busted lip, burning at his mention. “No not daddy… my sister”, she explained, brushing through his hair. He nodded, but one could see the confusion in his eyes.
“I didn’t know that you have a sister mommy…”
“She lives far away… but you met her when you were a little baby.” At the words “little baby”, she again tickled his tummy, getting a little laugh out of him.

It took him a few seconds to calm down after she stopped, squirming on her lap as he still looked at her, now tilting his head.
“Why has she not come to meet me now… as a big boy?”
She resisted the urge to bite her lip, knowing that it would hurt even more. Her gaze again wandering around. Realizing the decision she had made. The life she had chosen. “Mommy?”
As she looked down, she could see the slightest hint of him in her son. She smiled, her mind already absent.
“Because I chose love….”, she mumbled more to herself, before focusing on her son, who was still looking at her. “One must always choose love Heeseung. Never forget that.”

___________________

The sun was shining brightly, as they walked.
A fast pace in their steps.
A great distance between them.
The boy with the baseball cap in front of him, while he followed. Pleading with him to stop, but not being able to say anything. He felt helpless. Without any hope just pain, now painting the insides of his soul. As they quietly walked along the field path, where they first had spoken to one another, he couldn’t take it anymore.
“Sunghoon….”
His voice came out more pained than planned. Still the other stopped, standing there, a few steps in front of him, but not turning around. Simply standing there. His back suddenly seemed so small and strange. A distance between them. A distance he closed. Taking shaky steps towards the younger before reaching him and simply pulling him into a tight hug.
This sudden movement made his hat fall to the ground. And still he didn’t move. He didn’t hug him back, nor did he pick up the hat. He simply stood there, letting himself get hugged from the older.

“Did…? Did she…? Did she hit you?” His voice was full on trembling, tears now rolling down his face. He simply couldn’t control himself anymore. He tried to keep it together while writing the exam, ending up handing it in completely empty however as he couldn’t concentrate, before quickly following the younger, who finished earlier than most of the others.
“I’m sorry…”, he cried, hugging the younger tighter.
“I’m so sorry… It’s my fault… I couldn’t protect you.” A hard push knocked him to the ground, right beside the hat. As he looked up to the younger, surprise overtaking his spirit, it was almost like back then, when they weren’t what they were now.
Sunghoon’s face was again not visible.
Panic overtook him. Would this be the end to their story? The tears kept on rolling down his cheeks, as he could see nothing but the sun. He looked away, waiting for the younger to leave. Not being able to witness it.

“It’s not your fault idiot.”
The voice was quiet but as he looked up, he was now staring directly into dark eyes. One of them bruised.
Kneeling down beside him, with seemingly a neutral expression, Sunghoon was simply staring at him. But there were cracks in his demeanor. In the way he looked at him. Without having to say anything he knew right then and there, that Sunghoon was just like him also affected by all of this. He simply cried. Tears now rolling down his cheeks uncontrollably, while the other simply sat there and eyed him for a while.

“I don’t have much time left… Let’s go…”, he mumbled after a while of this pathetic display, as he slowly stood up. Firstly picking up his baseball cap, putting it back on but backwards this time, now showing himself fully to the older, before holding his hand out, for him to grab, which he did. With difficulty he stood up. Tears streaming, while their hands were still intertwined. Sunghoon didn’t shed a tear but his slender hand was trembling in his own. He held on more tightly, half expecting him to let go but the younger simply started to walk again.
“You can accompany me until the bridge this time.”
With this they quietly walked. The tears on his face slowly drying. Their hands still holding onto each other, fearing that if one of them was to let go they would lose themselves.
The sun was shining brightly. Heeseung couldn’t wait for the winter to come.

“She didn’t hit me.”
It was quiet, but the effects of his words were tremendous. They were heavy. Heeseung swallowed, before his red eyes focused on the younger, who looked straight ahead. Avoiding his gaze.
“Don’t lie to me… I know how this goes….Lie to everyone… Lie to yourself… but please don’t lie to me….” His voice was still a little weak from crying and his demand rather desperate, an imagine of his mother ingrained in his head. The way in which she would lie about his father. Making them all believe that she had suddenly gotten so clumsy.
Always walking against something. Hitting herself against something. Falling.
Nobody seemed to question it really. And the ones that did quickly faded out of their lives. Heeseung had seen it first hand. As a child it was hard to grasp. Realizing that your mother wasn’t just clumsy but worse.
That she was a liar and your father a monster.
“She didn’t hit me.” His voice didn’t show any change in tone. Still blinded by his memories Heeseung simply couldn’t believe him.

“Stop lying plea-“
“Heeseung! She didn’t hit me.” His voice was now firmer.
Their gazes met. Sunghoon’s one serious but oh so honest, as he now let go of his hand. They had now stopped once again. Standing in the middle of nowhere. Simply looking at each other. Battling without saying anything.
He cracked his knuckles. This new found fear for another person deeply agonizing. But he needed to trust him. Sunghoon wouldn’t lie to him. Ha caved in, looking away, while a sigh left his lips. “Okay… I believe you…”, he mumbled almost like an offended child. There was still a small hint of doubt however. Because if she didn’t hit him, how did he get that black eye? It wasn’t something that’d happen when slept on the wrong side of the bed or if one simply were to walk against something. A black eye takes a certain level of force. Heeseung knew as much.
And as if he had heard his thoughts, Sunghoon now grabbed his hand, as he began to walk again. His gaze again focused on what was ahead of them, while the older still had his gaze transfixed on him.

“I forgot to put the glasses in the sink away. Making your lie worthless as it proved my “hospitality”, meaning that I must have invited you… I made the mistake to stumble over my words while trying to deny it, so she found out… completely losing her mind.” Heeseung swallowed, not being able to say anything, gaze now helplessly wandering to their again intertwined hands.
“She cried like she never cried before… And… then she… she…”, he paused, Heeseung squeezed his hand lightly and he continued.
“She cried… talking about how I hate her, how everyone in her life leaves her and how god is testing her… she said she couldn’t take it anymore… that she would grant me my wishes and then she went to the kitchen… coming out with…with this big knive in her hand…. holding it against her throat, threatening to kill herself and saying that it would probably make me happy….”
There was a pause, almost as if he had to think about what he was going to say. Heeseung didn’t rush him. He simply waited, his worry for the younger’s wellbeing having grown to a point that it was almost unbearable.
“When she touched skin, making her bleed, I was finally able to react…. I tried to take the knife off of her. But she’s honestly really strong, so we struggled. She crying trying to cut her throat, while I was just trying to get that damn knife out of her hand. Well I pulled with all my strength and finally got it out of her hand, but the dull end of the knife hit me in the face in the process….” He smiled in contrast of what he just confessed. It didn’t seem to take an emotional toll on him.
“It was truly bizarre… I couldn’t see with that eye, making my mother cry even more…. So I had to comfort her while I honestly didn’t have a clue at that point what was going on with my eye… we made the risky trip to the hospital and all, where it got checked out and she got stitches. So I’m all good.” His smile changed, as if he just remembered something funny. “She seemed like switched out in the hospital. Lying about how we got our injuries, joking with the nurses. It was truly out of a dark comedy…”

They were now looking at each other. He having a pained expression on his face, after what he had heard, while the younger simply smiled. Heeseung was self centered, always caring about and looking out for himself. It was something he had always carried with him, not in a negative nor in a positive way. It was simply. But right know he realized it in a way he had never before. And it hurt. Because just now he realized that he wasn’t the only one wearing a mask. But also that expressionless pale boy in front of him. A mask that held the purpose of keeping him sane.

They didn’t speak for the rest of the way. As they reached the bridge, they simply looked at each other. Everything was too much. The older couldn’t do anything except for looking at him. He looked like his Sunghoon but there was a distance. Almost as if he had been put into reality again. His reality. He swallowed, before speaking. “See you tomorrow?”
He got a nod before the younger turned around, seemingly wanting to go. But with his back turned, he now halted in his movement. It was slightly there and if he wasn’t always watching him closely, he wouldn’t have caught it.
It was a silent plead. What exactly it was? He wasn’t sure. And he knew that it wasn’t a good idea. Ideally they would now keep their distance from each other, making it easier for Sunghoon to go back to how his life had been before. So it wouldn’t hurt as much when he left. But Heeseung was still selfish, so he simply grabbed the younger by the arm, turned him around, before pressing his lips onto his own.
This time he could feel arms wrapping themselves around himself, melting against him.
And so they stood there. Simply kissing each other. Heeseung could taste the salty tears from their kiss, knowing that it were his own.

___________________

There were only two things that he could think of missing, when he’d leave. With the first thing being pretty obvious. Still he tried not to think too deeply about it. Only feeling a certain uneasiness the closer his departure came.
The second and far more interesting thing was the quietness of the life in a small town. There were often moments, where one could find themselves in complete silence. Just like now. He had his eyes closed. As he let the sun warm his skin. Trying not to have a care in the world. Merely trying.
He could feel his presence beside him. Not really sure if it was for the better or the worse but knowing that he wanted him there. Needed him beside him.

He slowly opened his eyes, now watching the younger who sat beside him. Eyes still closed. Slowly he traced his face with his wandering gaze. From his beautiful moles to his lips. Trying to ignore the obvious. Her taunting mark, reeking of selfishness. No matter how hard he wanted to, he could only try to be carefree but deep inside he was everything but that. It was a weird cocktail of emotions, making him feel helpless. He wanted to do something. Anything to be able to ease Sunghoon’s Pain. But was there a way?

“You’re staring.” His voice was quiet, eyes still closed. Heeseung averted his gaze, now looking away.
“How’d you know?” The younger smiled slightly, before opening his eyes. “Intuition?” He could feel his gaze on him.
“Plus you’re basically always staring at me.” His voice, despite his teasing tone sounded tired, still he played along. Smiling as he now again looked at him.
“But for you to know that for certain, you must have stared at me the same amount or am I wrong?”
He didn’t answer. Simply shrugging his shoulders. They fell into their usual silence again. Both knowing that their time was limited. Right now, as the younger had to go home in an hour or so and in general as it was now only twelve days until Heeseung would leave. The fact that they were in the mist of exam season didn’t matter one bit. Heeseung would leave no matter what and Sunghoon also didn’t seem to care. They were both smart, so they kinda agreed. A silent agreement, that both of them would finish their exams as quickly as possible just to be able to spend a little time together, before the younger would have to go. Go to her.

His gaze was fixated on the younger again. “You look tired…” The other didn’t say anything to that for a while, simply staring at him. They sat at their usual place, not caring that they were now pretty obvious to probably all their classmates. Nothing mattered. As again Heeseung would leave anyway and Sunghoon just didn’t seem to care. Between them was a little space. He wanted to close it but he couldn’t. It would be like letting himself go completely. It wouldn’t be fair. To him and to the pale boy.
“I didn’t sleep really”, Sunghoon finally confessed, while he could do nothing else, but to feel this deep worry for him. His Sunghoon, who eyed him closely. A teasing smile on his face, that was conveying a certain sadness.
“Don’t look at me like that… I bet you also didn’t sleep…”
Heeseung sighed. He was right and still… “It’s normal for me.”
“It really shouldn’t be.” The older had to smile at how fast his answer came, as he was still staring at him. He held his gaze, trying not to back down. But he simply couldn’t. With him he couldn’t deny when he was right.
“I know…”, he answered truthfully. And that was that. They stayed silent for a while and Heeseung wished he could say something. But he couldn’t. All he could do was to keep on staring at the younger. Holding onto that image. Trying to block out his eye. How long did a black eye take to heal?

Sunghoon didn’t look at him, his gaze somewhere in the distance. Seemingly thinking.
“My mom is acting as if nothing had happened…”, he mumbled and Heeseung paused. He didn’t know why but he had just assumed that they would stay silent on that topic. Like he was taught to do. But the younger didn’t seem to be fazed in the slightest, as he was talking about it. So he simply let him.
“She treats me the same. Caring for me and my eye, as if I didn’t get it because she tried to kill herself a few days ago…” His voice was quiet but steady. Right then and there Heeseung couldn’t help but think, how strong the younger was.
“She simply acts normal but her gaze on me is… more intense… just like everyone else's… They are all whispering about my eye but try so hard to act all normal, not even asking if I’m okay, probably all already having their own suspicions about how I got it.”
“Do you want them to ask?”
“I don’t know…” His words sounded sad, almost defeated. “I feel like losing my mind.” The confession was quiet, but laid there heavy between them.

“Nietzsche said that insanity in individuals is rather rare. But in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.”
Heeseung didn’t say anything for a while, letting his words sink in. Quickly he came to the realization that he truly believed these words. Everyone in this village had either already lost their mind or was in the process of doing so. Hell, he had been the same. A lone wolf, thinking of himself as better but in the process losing himself completely to them and their insanity.
It was Sunghoon who saved him. Sunghoon who gave him the strength to even think about leaving. Sunghoon who hadn’t lost his head.
Yet.
But he would. He would inevitably if he were to stay. Inevitably. Suddenly Sunghoon looked at him again and their gazes met, as they simply stared at each other. This time was different however. It was as if it was their first time truly acknowledging all of it. Communicating without words about how doomed it all truly was. Everything came crushing down. Right in this instance.
He couldn’t leave him here but he also couldn’t stay. He closed the distance between them, making their thighs touch, as he still looked at him.
“Sunghoon leave with me.” He took his hands into his own, as he still looked at him. His eyes pleading for only this and everything at the same time.

Sunghoon’s eyes simply widened. Just for a moment.
Not a single sound escaping his lips.
Normally it would’ve made him nervous, but right now there was nothing but determination in his eyes. He would leave. Yes. But not without Sunghoon. He could see how the younger, whose dark eyes were analyzing him, was able to read it in his face. In the way he looked at him, he made it clear that he was ready for any discussion that would follow. Was ready for any argument the other would throw at him. He wouldn’t back down. Would fight back with every fiber he had. But to his surprise, Sunghoon simply gave him a tired smile, now squeezing his left hand.
“Okay.”

____________________

“So what color are you going to do?”
“Do I have to do it too?”
Heeseung nodded quickly, a soft smile plastered on his lips, as he looked at the younger who licked his lips.
“Mmh… I don’t know…”
Playfully he rolled his eyes. “It’s not that hard Einstein! I’ll do red”, he began, leaning his head against the wall.
“Or maybe I’ll leave it black, cut the sides, like a mullet.”
“So you’re also not sure yet?”, he mumbled, as he crossed his arms. Now looking at the older, who simply shrugged his shoulders.
“I mean the whole point of changing our appearance in Seoul is to find out what style we actually dig”, he explained again, exaggerating his hand movements and voice to sound like a teacher. Sunghoon chuckled a little, which made him smile even brighter.

It had been two days. Two days since the younger had agreed. A silent confession, that neither of them was able to be apart from the other. And this agreement had truly lifted Heeseung’s spirit. Only ten more days. Monday marking the last one they would see each other, before the day would come. It was the last day of their exams, which as some kind of tradition would always start on a Tuesday and go on till Monday. But all of that didn’t really matter, as the exams had been long forgotten. They were now simply handing them in empty, just to be able to spend time with each other. They weren’t blind to everyone’s gazes and their whispers. Now even the teachers joining in. But all of it didn’t matter. As they would be long gone in just ten days. Or rather twelve to be exact.
A Wednesday. Two days after his 18th birthday.
He had planned out everything. Of course keeping the younger updated, who simply went along with everything he suggested. A certain uneasiness present.
Heeseung knew, they had to move fast. Before he would get cold feet and back out. Still he was happy. It was probably the first time in his life, in which he felt this happy and excited and at the same time truly terrified.
What if something would go wrong? What if Sunghoon’s mother was to find out? He was still underage, which meant that he couldn’t leave as easily as he could. What if something were to happen to the train that they planned on taking? Would they wait another week? What if his aunt suddenly decided that she didn’t want to take them in?
What if’s over what if’s. It came to a point where he was actually starting to forget about his own troubles. Forgetting the reason why exactly he wanted to actually leave. There were just all these things running trough his mind.
Sunghoon while obviously being a little uneasy, probably out of fear of getting caught, while still here, was actually pretty calm about everything. It soothed the older a little. Making him remember. If they were able to pull it off, things would get better.
They simply had to.

“Just choose something that’s the complete opposite of your current look.“
“Oh wow that actually narrows it down. Thanks.” His voice was reeking of sarcasm as he rolled his eyes. Or tried to at least. He grimaced slightly, his black eye probably still hurting a little. Even though he sweared up and down that it had gotten better. The color having changed from reddish purple, now to a darker bluish purple.
Heeseung often caught himself starring at it. Before, he had always averted his gaze, not being used to feel the pain of another person to such an extend. Plus there was also this slight looming feeling of guilt.
It reminded him of what they had done at his house. Of how close they had been to each other. Sometimes at night, as he was again not able to sleep and Jake had already stopped responding to his texts, probably already asleep himself, he let his mind wander. Allowing himself to think about it. How beautiful the other had looked above and under him. How beautiful he had looked as he orgasmed. The slight changes in his expression, as he had tried to stay composed, simply not being able to. As it came all crashing over him. His brows furrowed slightly. His eyes closed. Nose scrunched. Mouth slightly open, as a moan was making its way out. It was beautiful, almost making him grow hard again. Just almost as quickly this breathtaking picture was replaced with his sad bruised eye and his mother’s eyes. It wasn’t quite the same but she reminded him of his father. Talking about love, while still being able to hurt the ones they claimed to love. And still he went home that day, leaving him alone with her. But not this time.
His eye had turned into a reminder. A reminder why he had to take the younger away with him.

“Platinum blonde.”
“Huh?” He had been so focused, observing his eye that he had almost forgotten what they were talking about. He narrowed his gaze a little, trying to imagine it.
“You with platinum blonde hair? Hmmm… I mean it certainly would fit your skin tone.”
He raised his eyebrows a little. “Is that a compliment?”
Heeseung had to grin, as he shrugged his shoulders, gaze still on the other. He still liked to tease him, even though his feelings for the younger had changed. Changed to an extend he one was kinda scared of and two also couldn’t admit to fully yet. But the thought of Sunghoon with platinum blond hair send a shiver down his spine. He would look truly gorgeous.
More gorgeous than he did right now? No. It was more like gorgeous in a different way. In his opinion in a more obvious attention grabbing way. He didn’t like it one bit. Having to swallow a little.
“I don’t think it will suit you to be honest”, he lied. He would love to see it but he would hate for others to be able to see it too. But Sunghoon was stubborn. A trait he became to really appreciate but also despise at times.
“Nope I’m set on it now. And hey there’s only one way to find out.”
He grinned slightly and Heeseung sighed.

Sunghoon now fully turned his head to look at him, leaning it against the wall. He simply returned the gaze.
“So what about you?”
Confused he raised his eyebrows. “What about me?”
He could see the urge of the other to roll his eyes, but having to hold back because of the pain.
“What are you gonna do to your hair? Red or black mullet?”
He thought about it again. It was kinda hard. Both sounded cool but he couldn’t really imagine it on himself. The judgmental gazes he would get for it, still deeply ingrained. He didn’t actually care for them as much as he had learned to value them. As people’s fondness of him had been his driving point up until now.
Would he even like the change to his hair? He thought about, as another idea popped into his head.

“Maybe I’ll just cut em a littler shorter.”
The pale boy crossed his arms. “So I’ll have to make a drastic change and you just cut your hair… like you couldn’t also do that here?”, he protested. Heeseung stayed quiet for a moment, thinking about it. He had always kept his hair rather long. Not long in a “gay” or “girly” way but long enough to hide his forehead.
“I always thought about cutting them shorter, but I was kinda scared”, he admits finally into the silence, before slowly lifting the hair on his forehead, brushing it back with his hand. Revealing a scar that had already healed. By now only being like a deep sunken line on his forehead. Rather small but its placement making it pretty recognizable. To him a last physical reminder of his father’s existence, which he just couldn’t get rid off. Sunghoon uncrossed his arms, face neutral as always but clearly turning softer. Clearly for Heeseung at least. He didn’t say anything however, as the older ultimately put his hand away, letting his black hair again fall over his forehead. Serving its purpose.
“It doesn’t hurt anymore or anything”, he began, filling the silence as he could feel the embarrassment falling over him. “It’s just really obvious and kinda ugly you kn-“, he continued, while he awkwardly scratched the back of his head, but the other’s quite voice cut him off.
“It’s not ugly.”
Heeseung had to chuckle a little bit. “You don’t have to lie to spare my feelings, I know it looks kinda stupid.”
The pale boy simply shook his head. “I don’t really care much about hurting your feelings over something silly like looks but it really doesn’t look ugly nor silly.”
There it was again. Sunghoon’s unapologetic honesty, leaving him speechless. But the younger didn’t even give him time to think about how to respond, as he scooted closer to him until they were simply mere inches away from each other.

With his eyes he followed the careful movement of his pale hand. Slowly and almost a little unsure as he stopped right in front of his forehead. He didn’t move however, leading the younger to continue. Softly he brushed his hair away. Their gazes meeting shortly, before the younger focused his attention on the now again exposed scar. His gaze was neutral, as he was simply staring. It made Heeseung nervous. It didn’t feel like only the scar was exposed, but the last part he had hidden from the younger. Now truly giving himself to him. The possibility of being rejected an ever so present force. He wanted to look away, but he couldn’t, needing to read the younger’s face for something like disgust. But it wasn’t there.
“It’s a reminder of an ugly situation but it isn’t ugly”, he whispered before lifting himself up a little, just to press a soft kiss to the scar.

It was short. He wouldn’t have caught it, if he hadn’t been hyper aware of his body right now. The younger moved away, leaving again a little space between them, as he could do nothing else but to simply stare at him. Now touching the scar the other had kissed so soft and lovingly. Accepting him.
He had to smile, a slight blush on his face as he looked to the ground. “You know I always felt stupid for still… I don’t know for still being affected by that night and that stupid little scar. It made me feel like I’m weak or something”, he admits. His fingers still on his forehead. He looked up again and was met with Sunghoon’s soft smile. His favorite. “Each of us has his own rhythm of suffering”, Sunghoon simply stated still smiling. “French?” The younger’s eyes immediately began to sparkle. “Yes, Barthes. How’d you know?”

Heeseung had to smile at the younger’s excitement about something so small for many others. Simply shrugging his shoulders, he kept on focusing on him.
“They describe the most banal shit in a way that makes it sound beautiful and like an out of body experience.”
Sunghoon laughed a little at that, while simply nodding his head.
They didn’t say much after, but he could see how the pale boy was slightly fumbling at the hem of his white shirt, clearly wanting to say something. Silently he waited for the younger, who finally gathered the courage and looked up and into his face again.
“I… well I just wanted to say… that uhm… everyone gets kinda hung up on things, so you’re not alone and especially not weak for still feeling a certain way about this scar. But I still think that… you’re… you’re handsome with or without that stupid scar”, he mumbled, eyes wandering around. The older had to smile at that, feeling even the last bit of fear leaving his body, as he leaned a little forward.

“You know Hoonie… you can be quite cute sometimes.”
This earned himself a light punch to the arm. “Fuck off.”
He laughed. Only twelve days.
____________________

His gaze wasn’t focused on anything in particular. Simply wandering around. Stopping at the sight of his own face from time to time. Staring at his own distorted smile. Nothing natural about it. Like some kind of monster, showing too much teeth.
These past few days had felt like a blur. Unreal. Like some kind of dream. Neither good nor bad, simply… unreal. Thinking to hard about it would make everything worse. He knew as much but he simply couldn’t stop. Sunghoon was a thinker at heart. In his mind there was no such thing as overthinking. He simply thought about some things more often and more intensely.
It was normal. Normal to not be able to stop thinking about how he would leave. Leave to be with another boy. It was strange. It was all he could think about but at the same time he also blocked out a big part. Not even allowing himself to think about her. His mother. It was a thought he didn’t entertain. For now.

“Sunghoonie! Baby are you hungry?”
Speaking of the devil. He slowly averted his gaze now looking at her. She smiled brightly at him, as he was currently seated at the kitchen table, pretending to read his notes for the last exam tomorrow. English. That disgusting old woman’s subject.
He had never been particularly fond of it. Finding it simply too complicated. That the teacher was a grooming disgusting old hag in his opinion, didn’t help. But it didn’t matter, as he would hand it in empty after five minutes or so. Just so he could talk to the older. He wondered when the word that he was flunking his exams would get out to his mother. By the time she would find out however, he would already be gone.

“A little mama.”
She smiled brightly.
“Good! Because today I’ll make your favorite since you’re working so hard.”
He returned her smile, or at least tried to. Normally he would feel bad for lying but if he was being completely honest to himself. He didn’t feel anything really at the moment. He was numb. Numb and heavy, not being able to find the right words. Having witnessed how far his mother could actually go in her manic state had done something to him. He could feel himself drifting away slowly. Becoming her puppy again. That part of him that was fighting, rebelling, thinking for himself was hanging on a dread. And that dread was Lee Heeseung. He didn’t want to bother or scare the other but he truly felt as if them leaving together would mark his last chance, before slipping completely away. Becoming the one she wanted. He was just so tired of fighting it.
But only a little longer. Only eight days till Heeseung’s birthday and ten days until they would leave.

They did everything as always. Talking like always. Eating like always. Smiling like always. Her gaze lingering longer on him however. His black eye. Because of her. But he knew that in her mind it wasn’t her fault but Heeseung’s. A sinner that had tempted her little boy. Oh if only she knew to what extend the older had tempted him.
Could she still love him after?
They were lying in bed, his bag turned to her, as she was pressed against him. How would she react if she were to find out that her little boy had lost his virginity to another boy? And worse truly had enjoyed it. Sometimes letting his mind wander back to that moment. How Heeseung had trusted inside him, pleasure written all over his face. Pleasure because of him and not some other woman. Just him.
At times he felt as if she could read his mind. The thought of her finding out scared him. They hadn’t further talked about Heeseung. He was in the past. At least that was what she believed or rather chose to believe. Couldn’t she feel that it was a lie?

“Sunghoon?”
There it goes.
Her voice was quiet in the darkness, still his whole body stiffened. It was her tone. The tone in which she spoke right now. He didn’t answer, trying his hardest to pretend to be already asleep. Pretending that he was even capable of getting sleep these days.
“I love you… I hope you know that Sunghoon. I love you…”
She gently caressed his back. He wanted to throw up but didn’t dare to move.
“You’re all I got… all… my little gift from god… all that is left….” Her voice was quiet but oh so clear, a dark undertone in her voice as she spoke in her usual softness.
“I’m sorry for letting him hurt you… hurt us… I make sure that nobody will separate us my little treasure… I’ll rather die than letting them take you away from me.”
It didn’t sound like a dread but more like a macabre promise. He knew she would do it.
He knew that his mother would die if he ever was to leave her side. As much as he tried to suppress this fact up until now. He knew.
And with that he finally let go.
______________________

Everything, truly everything had been planned by him. As he made his way to school today for the last time ever, at this point basically just going to see Sunghoon, he thought about every detail again. Had he forgotten something?
Through Jake he had asked his aunt if it would be okay if he brought a friend. He wasn’t completely brainless, so he lied about him also being 18 and actually having gotten accepted into university there and wanting to check out the city until his dorm room would become free. It was just a temporary solution but this would buy them time to think about how to move forward. And his aunt thankfully agreed. So their housing situation was already taken care of.
Since Sunghoon was still a minor they had to be extra careful while leaving. Their first plan was to take either the train on Saturday or on Sunday, which were the only days where the train would come regularly every two hours until ten pm. But these trains were always packed with people from their village taking day trips to the next town over, visiting family or doing other stupid things, he didn’t really care about. Save to say the risk of someone seeing them and reporting back to the younger’s mother was big, especially with everyone being so god damn noisy. If his mother just had the slightest idea to where to Sunghoon went, she could take him back on a whim. They couldn’t let that happen, so they had to get creative. And getting creative came in the form of a provocation.

To say that their village and the villages around here were badly connected to each other was an understatement. They had no form of public transportation, except for a bus that only drove two villages further on and one main station, if one could even call it that, where except for on the weekends all of the trains passing by were freight trains, transporting things from one end to the other end of the country.
As time passed the villagers became tired of this and decided to file a complaint about not being able to really travel on weekdays except for on car. With their complaints reaching the higher ups, who usually didn’t like to interact with the town folks, they were, after long discussions, granted another line. The “slumber train”, as the villagers came to name it. A train that would take the same route as the ones on the weekend, the only difference being that it only leaves their station ones every week. Wednesday on 3:29 am. A clear provocation on the villagers request, but the perfect train for the two boys to travel with, as almost nobody took it. Because why would they? Normally no one left at such unholy hours on a Wednesday. Except for them now. Making their travel also mostly taken care of. They would take this train to the next big city, form which they could take a train directly to Seoul. It was perfect.

He had also finished up packing everything that he wasn’t using at the moment and even started to buy snacks in advance even though it was still nine days away. He didn’t know what exactly Sunghoon preferred so he bought a few different options, making sure before entering the little kiosk that it wasn’t his mother at the counter.
All had been taken care of, so he wasn’t really expecting what the younger was currently telling him. He could see his mouth moving, his gaze transfixed onto the floor, but he couldn’t hear anything. After the first sentence his ears simply stopped listening.

“I can’t leave with you.”

Heeseung knew what disappointment felt like. Abandonment. He knew. And he had sworn himself at the ripe age of fourteen, after having lied his way out of the mental hospital, that he would never let anyone get this close again. Close enough to inevitably abandon him. That was until now. Until Sunghoon. His body was frozen as he stood there, looking down at the younger who was seated. He had stopped talking, probably realizing that the older wasn’t listening. Mind aimlessly wandering around, drowning itself in self pity.
They had just handed in their English exam. Empty. Like they had agreed to. Indicating to him that they were still together in this. Had it been all a lie?
It was like a deep impulse inside of him. Instead of feeling the deep hurt, he felt something stronger. He was angry. Furious even.
As the younger looked up at him, his black eye being the most noticeable feature on his face, he simply lost it.

“So you just let me plan out everything like a fool, just to end up dipping at the last second?” His tone was harsh and his gaze cold. He could see the hurt in Sunghoon’s eyes.
Good. Make it hurt like he was hurting.
“No… I… I tried I really did… I thought I could do it but….” It was the first time he heard his voice sounding like this. So unsure, almost broken. As fast as the rage had taken over him, it was gone. He could do nothing more than to stare at the younger, who was again avoiding his gaze. “But what?” Heeseung couldn’t recognize his own voice. It was as if he was numb. Numbed by the pain of again being left alone, by someone he thought he could trust. He hoped he had a good reason at least.

The younger bit his lip. Not speaking. Heeseung grew impatient, but he didn’t have the strength to ask again. He simply pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and started smoking. Gaze into the distance. It was a cloudy day. And yet it was warm. He hated this kind of weather. Neither really hot, nor really cold. Simply insufferable.
He let the smoke out. Immediately feeling that warm and calming feeling taking over as he closed his eyes. Trying to keep everything out. All that what was happening to him right now, could be nothing more than a bad dream right?
“My mom…” It was quiet but it was there.
Heeseung opened his eyes, still looking into the distance. A smile forming onto his face. Between someone beating their child and him, one would choose the first one and seemingly the same also goes for the choice between a totally insane woman and him. At this point he was so tired of it all that he had to chuckle. Simply laughing at this absurdity.
“Ah…” He took another drag, before releasing the smoke into the air.

“I haven’t forgotten what she has done or anything but I…” The younger stopped talking, as the older finally looked at him again. A smile on his face, as he looked at something in particular. His eye. The younger sighed. Feeling Heeseung’s judgement, as he simply didn’t get it. Didn’t even try to get it for a matter of fact. And something about it made Sunghoon mad. He stood up, no longer being able to let the older talk down to him like that.
“You don’t get it.”
“No I really don’t.” He kept on grinning like a mad man, as he blew the smoke directly into the young’s face, who didn’t even as much as flinch.
“Try to put yourself into my shoes for once.”
Now the older lost it, completely breaking out laughing as the tears he was holding back finally found their way to the surface. He looked to the ground, not wanting him to see. To be able to see how much he was hurting right now.
“I did! I planned everything out so we could be together, so you could be safe…”

“Did you ever think about what I would do in Seoul?”
Heeseung dropped the cigarette. Putting it out with his foot, before looking up confused. His face still full of tears as he looked into Sunghoon’s angry face. Why was he the one being angry right now?
“I wouldn’t be able to finish school there as I’m still a minor and they would have to talk to a guardian to enroll me into school. Or did I mean to literally do nothing for one and a half years? While staying with your family.”
He swallowed. “I haven’t really thought about that….”
“I know! Because you never think about anyone but yourself Heeseung.”
“That’s not true!”, he tried to defend himself, but his voice came out more strained than expected.
“I bet you also didn’t think about the fact that my mom literally tried to kill herself just because I had you over… what do you think she would do to herself when I leave? Have you ever thought about that?”
He didn’t answer to that, as he could do nothing more, than to cry. Why was he always crying?

“Or did you think that I wouldn’t give a fuck if my mom were to kill herself? Simply playing house with you in Seoul.” Now it was the younger’s turn to have a smile on his face. It was there only for second, before his face features turned soft again, probably recognizing how much Heeseung was hurting.
“I know you can’t understand it… but she is my mom… Everything she has done was in a fucked up way an attempt to keep me save… I can’t also leave her…”
Heeseung could do nothing more than to sob uncontrollably by now, realizing that this was real. Sunghoon wouldn’t come with him. He would be all alone in Seoul.
“I really tried to look past this… especially since you seemed so excited… you truly are egocentric sometimes…” he spoke softly.
It was weird. It was clearly an insult but something about the way he said it, made it clear to him that it wasn’t meant that way. “I had to make a choice. You’ll survive without me… she won’t.” Heeseung could do nothing more than to burry his face into his hands and cry. He felt like eleven again. This time however he hadn’t gotten punched in the face. Why did it feel so similar then?

They stayed like this for a while. Heeseung simply sobbing. Only knowing that the other was still there, by being able to vaguely register his presence. That was it.
After a while he slowly looked up, his vision a little blurry from all the tears. Sure that the younger would stare at him in his usual neutral demeanor, but what he saw truly let his breath hitch.
Right beside him was the ice prince. Tears silently streaming down his face, as he looked straight ahead. Bitting his lips, seemingly to prevent himself from making a sound.
Without thinking he grabbed his face, making him look at him. Both now simply looking at each other. Hurt clearly displayed on both their faces. As he looked at the younger’s hurting face however, he suddenly felt warm. This was different. He could see there and then that the younger also cared. He slowly started to stroke his cheeks with his thumbs. Both not being able to stop themselves from crying.

“I cannot bear to be apart from you.”
This seemed to make the younger completely lose it. As he had cried silently before, he was now full on sobbing. It broke his heart. Quickly he pressed the younger against him. Hugging him tightly. What wouldn’t he do right now, to be able to ease the younger’s pain.
“Why…?”, he was able to mumble in between sobs and Heeseung didn’t even have to think about his answer. Why?
“… because you are everything. Everything.”
Carefully he pulled away a little to look at the younger. Their eyes met, as Heeseung looked down. He had never been so sure of something as of now.
“I love you Sunghoon. I really do.”
There it was he had said it. The younger smiled, the tears still streaming down his face. They simply looked at each other. Both smiling with tears in their eyes. Sunghoon looked at him almost as if he had never done it before. Opening his mouth to say something, before ultimately closing it. The older simply let him. Giving him time. A confession wasn’t something lighthearted, especially in a situation like this. But he meant it. Heeseung was a liar at heart but never when it came to love.

Finally Sunghoon let go of him, to wipe away his tears. Being extra careful around his black eye, before again looking at him. A smile, showing off his teeth, plastered onto his face, before he carefully took the older’s hands into his own.
“I can’t say it back.”
It was like a stab to the heart. Heeseung quickly looked to the ground not wanting him to see again how much his words had hurt him. But the younger simply let go of his right hand and put it under his chin. Forcing him to look at him again.
“Not because I don’t feel the same way, but because I know you wouldn’t leave if I said it…”
He didn’t know if that reasoning made it actually better or worse.

“I can’t leave without you.”
“If you know the way broadly, you will see it in everything.” With these words the younger simply pressed a kiss against his lips. Heeseung put his hands around his waist, holding him close as he returned the kiss. It was bittersweet, as they both knew that this would be their last one.

___________________

Painfully slow he moved his tired limps. One step after another, one step after another. Even such automated movements were hard for him. Painful even, as the heat and his exhaustion came together making him sweat. As if he was to participate in a marathon. He wore the same shirt he had worn since seven days. It didn’t have any stains on them, as he hadn’t eaten really since, but it certainly did have a rather unpleasant smell.
But who had time to care at this point? He had forced himself to find a pair of shorts, that he hadn’t packed, since they were a little small on him. His hair was a mess, which he hadn’t even tried to fix. While the deep dark circles under his eyes could tell their own story of suffering. And still as he had looked at the clock that day, vaguely registering the day, he made his way to the old birch tree. His hand still hurting, as he probably looked like he had lost his mind to anybody who he crossed paths with.

__

“Heeseung?” His heart had been beating fast as he turned around one last time.
“Yeah?”, he had answered, something like hope awoken in him.
“Come to the old birch tree on Monday.”
Confused he had looked at the younger. They had been a few meters apart from each other, as they had painfully parted ways, for the last time. That was before the younger’s call had stopped him in his tracks. In his mind he had still been praying that Sunghoon would leave with him.
“Why?”, he had mumbled tiredly.
The younger still had this weird smile on his face. His dimple showing because of sheer force. Heeseung had felt weary.
“Don’t ask! Just be there around one pm.”
This was all he had said, before sprinting away, while Heeseung had simply stood there. Watching the only person he loved leave. For the last time. Knowing that he wouldn’t come back not this time.

After standing there for what felt like hours he slowly had made his way home. Face neutral, gaze simply ahead of the street. As he arrived he was quickly entering his home, immediately getting rid of his shoes. But instead of going immediately to his room, his gaze like a magnet had forced itself to focus on something for the first time, since parting ways with Sunghoon.
The terrible pictures of his father.
He simply stared at it. A smile slowly making its way on his face.
“I hope you rot somewhere in hell bastard… ” he had mumbled, before forcefully punching against the picture. He could only hear the sound of shattering glass as he was slowly looking down at his right hand. Blood dripping onto the floor. He had laughed, before swinging again. Another punch, which lead to the picture falling down. It had his blood on it and the glass around his father’s face had been shattered. Without looking back he had simply made his way to his room, thankful for the fact that his mother didn’t seem to be home.
Only as he had arrived in his room, he finally broke down completely.

__

He didn’t know what exactly would await him at the birch tree but these last seven days he had spent like a walking zombie. Crying, lying awake in his bed. Simply rotting away.
After this terribly tiring walk, the old birch three finally came into his field of vision, but nobody was there. It was empty.
He simply stood there staring at nothing in particular. His head hurt. Painfully slow he got his phone out, to check the time. Two minutes after one pm. Slowly he looked up again and at the birch tree.
It harbored a lot of memories. Him accompanying the younger, him rambling about philosophical topics, Heeseung later would have to look up just to make sense of what the younger had talked about and of course their first kiss.
As he remembered this a pained expression adored his face, as he automatically got closer to the tree. Carefully brushing his right hand against the wood. His hand was still hurting, still he kept on going. Almost in trance. What was he doing?
He turned around. Wanting to leave. The realization hitting him that he was mourning something that was long gone. The last hint of hope he had harbored dying with his spirit. While walking however, he suddenly stepped onto something. He took a step back, his gaze slowly going to the ground.

Lying in the grass was a book. Automatically he looked around, as if its owner would suddenly appear, but he was still alone. He picked it up, as his eyes scanned it. It looked pretty worn out. The pages already slightly yellow and the cover barely recognizable. This book seemed to have been read pretty often. Just barely he was able to make out the title of the book.
“Giovanni’s room”, he quietly read, already wanting to toss it away. But something in him possessed him to open it. And there it was. On the first page there was something written. In a clean handwriting. A stark contrast to the state the book was in.

Happy birthday idiot.
I know this book looks rather shabby but I wanted you to have it. I feel like it tells our story in a way.
Don’t forget me in the big city. But also don’t hold onto me. Experience, be free and find out. Do Everything I won’t be able to.
I would probably never admit it out loud, but I’m truly happy to have met you. You made this crazy world we have been thrown into a lot more bearable. If I could choose I would do it all over again, just to be able to spend these few months with you.
No philosophical quotes this time. Just my raw unfiltered words to you.
Heeseung I truly, with every fiber I have, will hold onto these memories we created. I will hold them dearly not only in my mind but also in my heart.
Your Sunghoon.

He stared at this little paragraph for a few minutes. Rereading it over and over again. As he imagined Sunghoon’s voice, reading over every line. Only when his vision became blurry, he finally closed the book, chuckling bitterly.
“You’re truly cruel Einstein…”, he mumbled quietly, holding the book in his right hand, while rubbing his eyes with the left one.
Seven days of what felt like non stop crying truly had its effect on the freshly turned adult, as he didn’t had it in him to cry anymore. He felt empty like a shell of himself.
Like he had back then. It felt like a full circle moment. Feeling loved, opening up, getting disappointed and left alone. What came after? Right. Turning cold again.
Getting hurt was for the weak. And while Heeseung knew he wasn’t particularly strong, he couldn’t let himself get weak ever again. He needed to fulfill his promise. A promise he had made to himself when he had been fourteen.
Survive just to spite him.

His vision became clear again, as he looked down and at the book again. Sunghoon was right. He needed to leave. No matter what.

___________

The cold liquid felt incredibly, as he downed the bottle of water in one go. He hadn’t really drank anything today, that was until now and just now the effects came clear. Instantly he felt a little less dead and the persistent pounding in his head, became a little quieter. Without a care he threw the empty water bottle beside him on the floor. He would pick it up later, when he would leave. He leaned his head against a tree as he looked at the old pond. The place where he and Sunghoon had made up after their big fight. The first time where he had opened up to the younger. He quickly averted his gaze, not wanting to think about him. But as his gaze landed on the book beside him, he sighed.
This would be a process. He knew. Forgetting someone like Sunghoon would be a long and hard process. One that would probably take him his whole life but he had made himself this new promise just an hour ago at the birch tree. Still he didn’t have it in him to throw away the book, the younger had gifted him. He would read it, if he had the time. Just then would he be able to throw it away. That was at least what he was telling himself.

The plastic bag beside him was the next thing he focused his attention on, as he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and bandaids.
He hadn’t felt like going home already. There was this deep feeling of knowing. Knowing that his mother would pull some kind of stunt today. An egoistic way of making this day about his father. Egoism seemed to run in the family. He bit his lip. Heeseung truly needed to stop thinking about the younger. But how when he was occupying every corner of his mind?
After opening the pack of cigarettes he pulled one out, putting it quickly between his lips, before lightening it. He had bought them, the water, the bandaids, a bag of chips and a pack of instant ramen at the kiosk, before making his way here.
It was truly a blessing that he had saved up some money, originally having planed to use it to buy himself a car someday. Always imagining how his peers would look up to him even more with a cool car. Such a silly little dream. But the money came in handy now for his daily survival and to make the trip. Nothing more and nothing less. In Seoul he’d firstly have to earn himself some money.
After a few drags, he focused his attention on the bandaids.

Slowly he opened the pack, as he left the cigarette between his lips. But after looking at his hand, he paused. It truly looked kinda fucked up, as it hadn’t been taken care of the last seven days. Even a few glass fragments visible in the cuts.
“Fuck…”, he mumbled to himself. Not even sure where to begin.
“Hyung? Is that you?”
Slowly Heeseung looked up, just to be met with the sight of Jungwon. Truly the last person he wanted to see right now. A bright smile made its way onto his face. It was an automated motion. Even in his worst state, he was able to pull it off.
“Hey! What a surprise to see you here.”
While the pond was pretty known, it wasn’t heavily visited. At least not at day time. If one wanted to swim, one would go to the lake, which was right behind the church and if one wanted to explore a little bit of nature one would go to the big forest near their school. So he really didn’t get why someone and especially Jungwon would wander around here.

“I just wanted to say the same. What are you doing here?”
What was he actually doing here? Sulking maybe, but that wasn’t an answer he could give to someone like Jungwon who would start to ask all sorts of follow up questions. So he simply pointed with his left hand to the plastic bag.
“A picnic isn’t it obvious?”, he joked and the other laughed.
“Not instantly but now that you’re mentioning it I can kinda see it.”
There was a pause. None of them saying a word. It was truly bothersome. Couldn’t he read the room and leave?

“Mind if I join you?” Heeseung internally rolled his eyes. But he simply smiled as he shook his head, too lazy to figure out a lie and not brave enough to tell the truth. “Be my guest.”
Jungwon’s face immediately lit up as he sat himself down beside him. Awfully close, as the younger seemed to have never heard of the concept of personal space. Heeseung kept on smoking, while the other simply sat there.
The atmosphere was clearly awkward. It had never been just the two. There had always been Jay. To which both of them were undeniably closer.
“I’m actually quite happy to run into you Hyung”, he began, making Heeseung focus his attention on him.
“Really?” He nodded. “Yeah I wanted to congratulate you! Happy birthday!” He said these words with so much excitement that it actually made the older sick. How could someone always be this disgustingly… nice? Especially since he didn’t even know the younger’s birthday in return.
“Thank you! I appreciate it!”
“Are you planning on celebrating?” His gaze was intense. Something was off.
Slowly he shook his head. “Nah not this year. But next year I will. I promise.”
Lies.

Jungwon simply nodded at that and with that they again stayed quiet. It was truly a mystery to him why Jungwon was still bothering him. Didn’t he also feel the awkwardness? He exhaled the smoke, into the hot air, before looking at the other again, who was already looking at him.
Studying him clearly, before stopping at his face and Heeseung simply returned the gaze. It felt like the first time he was truly looking at him. There was something in his eyes, that reminded him of himself and Sunghoon. But he could neither pinpoint nor describe what exactly is was.
“I’m actually quite surprised that you’re still here?”
Jungwon’s words pulled him out of his thoughts, as they took him aback a little. Not wanting to let it show however, he quickly averted his gaze, taking a last drag before putting the cigarette out.
“What do you mean?” He was now looking at him again, as he managed to neutralize his mimic.
The younger smiled knowingly. It annoyed the hell out of him.
“I don’t know… I just assumed, that you were planning on leaving the village”, he explained calmly. Heeseung simply lifted his brows, for the first time being intrigued by a conversation he was having with the other and also finally being able to name the thing he could recognize in the younger’s face. Awareness.

“What exactly gave you that idea?”
Jungwon simply shrugged his shoulders, before starting to speak. “It’s quite obvious if you put two and two together. Firstly it’s very obvious that you don’t seem to particularly like any of us….” A sad smile formed onto his face, as he said these words, but Heeseung was actually too focused on his words to recognize it and even if he did, he would’ve hardly cared. “… there’s also the death of your father, you clearly not even trying in the exams anymore and… well… Park Sunghoon.”
“What does he have to do with any of this?”
“Aren’t you leaving together?”
Heeseung finally looked away. His interest drizzling out.
“What gave you that idea?” His tone was cold, now cracks showing themselves in his performance but he couldn’t care less at that point.

“Well you clearly lied about the reason of you two hanging out and not being that close….”
Visible confusion made his face onto Heeseung’s face, which the other seemed to quickly catch onto.
“My aunt is the guidance counselor….”
“Ah…”, he simply answered. He knew that his lie would come out, but for it to be Jungwon, out of all people, to call him out on it, truly surprised him.
“But don’t worry I didn’t tell anybody.”
“Thanks I guess…. But it won’t matter at the end of the day….”
He didn’t know why but something about this side of the other, made him almost want to open up a little. Has the younger always seemed so strangely mature?
“I’ll leave on Wednesday…”
“The ‘slumber train’?”
He simply nodded to that, while the younger was now also leaning his back against the three. Or tried to at least as something seemed to be in the way. He pulled the book out from behind his back, before finally leaning against the tree and observing it for a while.

Without a second thought, Heeseung leaned forward and took the book away from the younger, with a force he hadn’t actually intended. Jungwon, while surprised at first quickly smiled.
“It’s a gift…”, he mumbled while quickly putting it away. With raised eyebrows the younger stared at him.
“From Sunghoon?”
There was no real point in lying about it so he simply nodded. “Yeah….”
“So you two aren’t leaving together?” How could someone be this noisy?
“Nope.”
“But aren’t you like in love or something?”

Heeseung hadn’t really actively participated in the conversation, as there didn’t seem to be a point. It simply being the younger fueling his curiosity and Heeseung who didn’t have anything to lose anymore being more honest than he has been in his whole life to someone other than Sunghoon. But as soon as he heard the words love, his eyes widened. Remembering immediately his confession to the younger, his ears turned red.
“What the fuck are you talking about?”, he tried to deflect. Letting his voice sound outraged, instead of what he was actually feeling: Embarrassment and hurt.
Jungwon laughed a little, which got him even more annoyed.
“It’s pretty obvious. The way you talk about him, trying so hard to sound nonchalant, how you always focus your attention back to a conversation immediately, just when someone even dares to mention the ice prince and your stolen glances when you think no one is looking… You look at him the same way a man is supposed to look at a woman.”
Heeseung swallowed. Had he been this obvious? He bit his lip, quickly averting his gaze, now looking at the floor.
“So am I right?” The younger really was persistent and he? He simply couldn’t lie about love.
“Yeah yeah… you’re right… but it doesn’t matter anyway…”
“How come?”

Just because Jungwon didn’t say anything about his lie about the guidance counselor, didn’t mean that he actually trusted him not to go around and spread his business all over town. He didn’t trust the younger one bit even more so. It was more a matter of not caring, since he would leave anyway. At the end of the day they could whisper about him all they wanted to. He wouldn’t be around to witness it. But it was another story for Sunghoon.
“He doesn’t feel the same way about me.” The younger’s feelings for him were truly a mystery to him. He knew that he was important to the pale boy, but as he had never gotten a clear confirmation of his feelings, he was left to wonder. But for the sake of the younger’s reputation and to make it even in the slightest possible for Heeseung to forget him it was easier to say that he didn’t reciprocate his feelings.

“Is this why you look like this?”
“Like what?”
“Like uhm…” Jungwon was clearly thinking, but he really didn’t have it in him anymore to have this silly conversation, and since he knew what the other wanted to say, he decided to help him.
“Like shit?”
At first Jungwon seemed surprised at his brutal honesty, before giving a nod of agreement. “Yeah.”
They didn’t speak further. The older deciding not to answer his initial question, because yes, he did look like shit because of Sunghoon, but even he had a little bit of pride left and wouldn’t admit this, even less so to someone like Jungwon.
“But I don’t think that he doesn’t feel the same way”, the younger broke the silence, making him look at him again. “It’s way more subtle in his case…. But he also looks at you the same way. I saw it with my own eyes. And it’s undeniably the look of someone who is in love.”
Heeseung tried to ignore the warm feeling that was spreading inside his chest. He needed to forget Sunghoon but the other’s words didn’t help.
But even if the other was right, what would it change? He would still leave and the pale boy would still at the time of his departure probably lay awake, sharing a bed with the person he had chosen. It was a tragedy, he had thought about endlessly these past days. Something he simply couldn’t change.
“You seem oddly chill about the whole thing…. Don’t you think I’ll go to hell for these sinful feelings?”
Jungwon who seemingly took the bait to change the topic, just shrugged his shoulders.
“Honestly I think it’s wrong for you to have these feelings. It is wrong and goes against everything Christianity has thought us…”, he began, not surprising the older with his answer in the slightest, as it was the common belief around here. But what did surprise him was how the other expressed all of this without the slightest hint of disgust. Simply looking at him, a small smile on his lips.

“But I have never quite understood how the sins of others would be my problem. It’s your life and has nothing to do with my own beliefs. So in other words it’s non of my damn business if you go to hell or not.”
Heeseung had to smile at that. Even though he did not have one trace of belief in his body, he actually respected Jungwon’s stance. It was honest, harsh not really progressive but also very respectful in a way. If everyone would think like him, he could even get behind all that religious talk.
“Oh wow cursing? Wouldn’t that also get you in hell?”
Now the other was the one smiling brightly. “Maybe. Hopefully not. But nobody is perfect right?”
Heeseung simply nodded, still smiling.
“Hyung I think it’s the first time I have seen your real smi- oh my goodness what happened to your hand?”
He simply shrugged his shoulders.
“Had a little accident.”

Never in his life could he have imagined spending his birthday with Jungwon talking his ear off about all sorts of things, while treating his injured hand and actually not really minding it. It wasn’t quite like listening to a certain someone rant about philosophy, but it eased his mind a little, making him almost forget how painful life was sometimes. Still he couldn’t stop his mind from wandering to Sunghoon, while he simply let Jungwon talk. It would be the last time seeing each other after all. And even though he had been always nice to the younger on the surface, this in a way felt like making amends of sorts.

“Goodbye Hyung I hope life treats you good.”
_____________________

As he stood there he took everything in for the last time. His room had no personality. His walls had remained the same white color as when they had moved in. At least that’s what he assumed, since he had been rather young.
His gaze scanned the room. Searching for something. A hint. A small hint of himself in this room. His gaze wandered from his desk, where he had done his homework and occasionally had studied for exams, to his wardrobe which was almost empty by now and stopped at his bed, which he had carefully made. A reminder of his sleepless nights, in which he could feel, hear and even smell his father’s presence.
As he looked around he realized how empty all these memories were.
This room had simply always served its purpose. Its purpose to hide himself, not having to bear the atrocities that awaited him outside.

He looked down at the suitcase he was holding with his left hand. It was kinda ironic, since it was the same suitcase that he had with him on his first visit to Seoul. This time however was different.
After a quick glance to the black suitcase, he shifted his attention, as he could safely say that he had packed everything. He had actually checked thrice. Just to make sure that he didn’t have to return for anything. But even if he did in fact forget something crucial, he had sworn himself that he would never set foot again in this shithole.
His gaze wandered to the book that he had put under his right arm, planning to read it on the train. Or more like rereading it, since he had basically inhaled the book in just one day. He knew immediately what the other meant when he had written that the story reminded him of them. In a tragic way he knew that with him leaving he would also leave Sunghoon behind. His soul, his being or as his favorite existentialists would say his essence left to be executed, just like that. Their deep connection which was limited to their sparse time, slowly fading away as time moved on. But he didn’t allow himself to think too deeply about it. Only when he was on the train, was he allowed to let the pain chew him away one last time, before he would ban the younger from his mind. It was simply easier that way.

It’s 2:45 am as he quietly makes his way down the stairs. It only took around twenty minutes of walking through the fields to reach the main station, which consisted of only two train tracks. Still he didn’t want there to be any chance of him missing his train, so he left early. There was nothing holding him here anyway.
As he reached the bottom of the stairs, he carefully put his suitcase and book on the floor, before beginning to put on his shoes. His gaze automatically, like a magnet went to the picture. Or rather the place where the picture was supposed to be. He hadn’t really looked for it after his outburst, but it seemed to have been reason enough for his mother to temporarily put it down.
It would be back in no time however. He knew. A small smile formed itself on his lips, as he finally finished tying his shoes, grabbing his stuff, before making his way to the door. As he was about to open it, a voice… her voice interrupted him.

“You’re leaving already?”
He stood there for a second, frozen in place, almost as if he had been caught. But he was an adult now. He could do whatever he wanted. Slowly he turned around to look at his mother. A blue blanket was wrapped around her shoulders, as she was now standing at the top of the stairs, simply observing him. It was clear from her appearance, that she had been already in bed. Not surprising really at this time.
“Yeah…”, he answered shortly, before deciding to elaborate. “To catch the train.”
“Where to?”
“Seoul.”
She nodded slowly her dark eyes scanning him.
“Permanently?”
Now it was his turn to nod. “Yeah… I think there isn’t enough space in this house for the three of us, plus I’m tired of the village life….”

She didn’t immediately answer. Simply tilting her head, as she still didn’t take her eyes off of him. He simply returned the gaze. He wouldn’t back down. Not this time.
“It fits you.”
There was mixture of surprise and confusion displayed on Heeseung’s face, as he honestly wasn’t too sure on how to take her words. She simply continued.
“When you were younger I would tell you all sorts of stories and still… you would always beg for more… It was pretty evident that you were yearning for something greater something bigger… In a sense you always reminded me of my older sister…”
He knew that they didn’t talk to each other anymore, which confused him even more.
“Is that a compliment or an insult?”
“Neither. Just an observation.”

He slowly nodded, not sure what to say to that.
“Will you ever return?”
“I won’t”, his words were quick and honest, just like her answer to that.
“Good.”
He had to smile at that, before he grabbed his stuff again, now finally opening the door. It was cold outside. A nice change to the overbearing summer heat, which was prevalent for most days. As he took a few steps outside, he could feel her move along. Like a dark shadow looming over him. Just when he was fully outside, did he finally dare to turn around again, just to find her standing at the door. Her dark hair put up into a bun and her arms crossed.

“Are you going to walk the whole way?”
It was kind of a silly question, since it was his only way of getting there.
“Yeah….”
With this she simply demonstrated him to wait, before vanishing inside again. Not for long however. As she quickly returned with a dark green scarf in her hand.
“Take this. I don’t want you to die out there”, she mumbled as she handed him the scarf.
He simply stared at it for a while. Observing it closely, trying to remember, if there even was something to remember.
“Don’t worry. It isn’t his. It’s new.”
He looked up and at her face. He could see right then and there that she was telling the truth, so he slowly put the scarf on, before focusing his attention back on her.
“Thanks.”
“No problem.”

He looked at his phone. 2:56am he should really leave now.
“I should really get going.”
She nodded and for a moment they simply stood there not sure what to say.
“I wish you good luck out there.”
“Thanks.”
“I’ll miss you.”
“Not as much as you miss him.”
She smiled, as she again tilted her head, before answering. “You’re right.”
Now he also had to smile a little again. “I know.”

“I wish you two also the best of luck.”
Her knowing smile remained, as she simply looked him up and down.
“You don’t.”
“You’re right.”
“I know.”
Heeseung looked at her for the last time. Her appearance hadn’t changed one bit, since he had been a child, expect for a few wrinkles appearing on her face and a few grey strands in her long hair. But otherwise she looked the same. If he looked close enough, he could still see her loving gaze, however not directed at him. Never directed at him.
“Goodby mom.”
“Goodbye Heeseung.”
And with these words he simply turned around and started walking. Not turning around once. Even as he heard the front door close after a few seconds, he kept on walking. Never turning back.

__

When he had been younger, he had always imagined how it would be to leave everything behind. He imagined how he would walk to the train station, head high as he proudly strut along. His parents at home both regretting what they had done. His father for hitting her and his mother for not leaving him. They would sob, but it would be too late.
There had always been a hint of pride in his imaginations.
But right now as he walked alongside the fields, only the moon and a few stars above him, he didn’t feel one ounce of pride. If he was honest he didn’t feel anything. Or in other words he didn’t feel particularly like himself. He felt like someone else watching him walk to the train station right now. Like he had left his body and was now watching over himself.
The more he walked the colder it felt outside. The scarf really helped, as he had only a grey hoodie on. Still the cold air was all that was currently feeling somewhat real to him.

Every few steps or so, he randomly felt the urge to turn around, just to be greeted by a strong nothingness. Nobody was there and nobody would come running up. He knew as much and still, he couldn’t help that longing feeling, that would take over him, being the second and last thing he felt at the moment.
It all lasted up until he arrived at the station. It was completely empty. If he didn’t know for a fact that this train was notorious for being completely empty, he would have assumed that he had made some kind of mistake.
Slowly he walked along the tracks. Only a few lanterns were lighting up the surrounding darkness. While his steps on the ground filled the silence.
He went all the way to the back because he wanted to get on at the last door of the train. And while he walked over the platform he took it all in for the last time. This would be it.

Not even as much as an glance at his phone to check how much time he had left, as his gaze was completely transfixed, wandering over the platform. He was standing at the far back which gave him the ability to have a good overview of people arriving on the platform. But it stayed empty the whole time. Nobody made their way to catch the slumber train. Especially no black haired pale boy.
It stayed empty. Until he heard it. The sounds of the train arriving. And while the train slowly came to an halt, his gaze was still transfixed onto the empty platform. The train had fully stopped by now but his gaze was still fully transfixed onto the empty platform. The doors opened and his gaze was still transfixed onto the empty platform.
Not one soul was there. And no one would come. This wasn’t some kind of movie, where in the last second the person the protagonist wanted to see the most would turn up. As much as he wished that would happen, he knew. There would be no grant gesture awaiting him. This wasn’t some cliché movie. Heeseung chuckled bitterly at this realization, every last bit of his childish hope vanishing completely, as he finally looked away. Gaze now scanning the open door right in front of him.
Slowly he took his suitcase and the book, before getting on the train. The door closing immediately after him, almost as if to make sure that he couldn’t escape.

He stood there frozen, not able to move, until the loud sound that announced the departure of the train, made him flinch in surprise, putting him out of his frozen state. Not long after, the train slowly started to move and with it Heeseung also finally moved. Still somewhat in trance he found himself a seat by the window, which wasn’t very hard as the train was, as expected completely empty. He put the suitcase beside him on the seat, before finally sitting down.
Completely seated now, he looked down and at the book he was holding in his lap, just now realizing that his whole body was shaking. The numbness that had been everything he had felt up until that moment had passed and in its place was a mixture of different emotions. He knew just one thing: He felt like crying. There wasn’t one certain trigger for this strong desire. It was simply there. Unbearably strong in its demand for release.
His gaze went out the window. It was still dark outside. So dark in fact that he couldn’t make out anything really, especially since by now the train had picked up a good amount of pace. And still he stared, as if there was something truly mesmerizing outside, that simply forbid him from averting his gaze. His left hand automatically gripping the book in his lap, while finally the first tear dropped down his stoic face.
There it was. The pain he had tried to hold in these past few days, but right now he wouldn’t hold back. Right now he was allowed to feel. In the comfort of nobody being able to witness it. For the last time he would be weak. And after he would get off he woul-

“Sorry is this seat taken?”
He flinched, not expecting being spoken to. He turned around. Instantly, without thinking his body moved with such a speed that he wasn’t really able to process anything. A reaction to this voice already deeply ingrained in his muscles, until he was met with dark eyes staring down at him. His breath hitched and his heart beat fastend as he blinked a few times to make sure that he wasn’t dreaming. But no matter how much he blinked, he was still there. It was real. Right in front of him stood his Sunghoon. A little out of breath, face red, only in a striped shirt, as a simple sports bag was slung over his shoulder.

“What…? How…? Why…? I… uh.. what?”, was all he was able to get out as he was still starring at the younger, the tears having fully dried now.
Sunghoon laughed still a little breathlessly, making Heeseung’s heart do a few loopings in the process.
“Can I sit down first?”
“Ah… of… of course!” Heeseung quickly put the suitcase away.
“I prefer the window seat.”
“Y-yes!”
He quickly stood up and moved out of the way, for the younger to slip into the window seat, fearing that if he took to long Sunghoon would simply disappear. After the younger had sat himself down, putting his bag under his seat, Heeseung quickly put his own suitcase on the holder above them, before quickly taking his own seat beside the younger.

Now sitting, he still could do nothing more than to stare at the other in awe, who in return had his attention focused out of the window. The older was still extremely confused, his mind not able to completely process that Sunghoon -his Sunghoon, was here. And that this wasn’t a dream.
“Why… why… are you…. Why are you here?”, he was only able to stutter, still staring at the younger, who finally turned his head to look at him. Their gazes met as they were simply staring at each other. Sunghoon’s hair was a mess and his eye was still in the process of healing and still to Heeseung he looked gorgeous. If it hadn’t been for his confusion, he would have already grabbed the younger’s face and kissed him passionately until both of them couldn’t breathe.
Sunghoon sighed deeply, as he still could do nothing more than to stare at the younger, fully entranced by his pure presence.
“You… I… I thought about it you know….” Sunghoon’s voice was quiet as he was leaning towards him a little, gaze still focused on Heeseung, who could do nothing more than to stare back. Consuming every word the younger said.

“My mom… she had another one of her massive panic attacks, almost as if she could sense that deep inside, I wanted to leave…. And when she finally calmed down and was laying there deeply asleep, I had to think about you.” Without even registering it, they had both leaned in more and more, now being just a few millimeters apart, as the younger was now simply whispering.
“She would always tell me that she loves me and I… I know she does but….” He paused. Their gazes were still onto each other.
“… when you told me you would leave… I didn’t want you to go… I wanted to scream at you, begging you to stay and I know you would have done it… but I….” Another pause. Normally it would have driven the older crazy, but he was hanging on every word the younger said right now. Not caring one bit that he was pausing so often. Taking his time to think.
“I… I love you. And because I love you so much, I decided to let you go… because I knew that it would be for the best… and as I thought about it I came to the conclusion that… if my mom also loves me, as much as she claims she does, she’ll let me go, despite how much it hurts. So I quickly made use of the fact that she was sleeping deeply, exhausted from her episode, grabbed everything important and ran for my life… I almost missed the train you know. When I made it to the station the train was already standing there and you were nowhere to be found, so I quickly got on in the front and walked through the whole train to find you… I was afraid that maybe you took another tr-“
Heeseung quickly interrupted Sunghoon’s rambling, by pressing as soft kiss onto the other’s lips. It was short, but as he pulled away and looked at his face he could do nothing more than to smile brightly.

“Please say it again.”
“Say what again?”, the younger asked, his cheeks slightly red. This time not from running.
“That you love me.” He could see how Sunghoon was rolling his eyes, this time not having to stop himself because of the pain.
“You’re so stupid sometimes… but…”, he paused for a second. “I love you Heeseung.”
These last few days, Heeseung had been pretty sure that he would never be able to be fully happy again, but as he looked over and at the pale boy, sitting beside him, telling him that he was also in love with him, he felt almost foolish for thinking this. There was no doubt in his mind that he had never been happier in his whole life, than right now in this moment.
“I love you too Sunghoon.” And if that was even possible, the younger turned even redder, as he took Heeseung’s hand into his own.
“What happened to your hand?” He followed his gaze down to his hand, which was still full of bandaids.
“It doesn’t matter… I’m okay now… Because I love you.”

It was clear that the younger suppressed a smile, as he quickly looked away. “Oh stop it you old sap.”
Heeseung started to pout. “But it’s true I love you…”, he paused, his expression turning serious.
“And I’m sure your mom loves you too.”
Sunghoon looked at him, before looking down at their intertwined hands. His expression turning neutral quickly.
“I left her a letter you know… That’s the least I can do. I’m not an asshole like my father… I told her how much I love her and begged her to hold on… for one and a half years… I didn’t take my phone with me just to be safe you know but I memorized her number and wrote her not to change it, because the first thing I’ll do when I’m eighteen is to call her…”, Sunghoon explained, while the older simply caressed his hand with his thumb. They didn’t say anything for a while, only the sound of the moving train being heard. Until the younger broke the silence.

“Heeseung?”
“Hmm?”
“Can you please hold me”, his voice sounded so fragile and broken and as he looked into the younger’s teary face, he immediately let go of his hand and hugged him tightly. It was a little uncomfortable because of the way they were seated, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was Sunghoon.
“I know that I’ll start doubting my decision and I just need you to hold me tight.”
And this is what the older did. He simply held onto the younger, as they didn’t say one word. For a while only their heartbeats and the train making sounds. He kept on holding him, as they made it to the next stop. And he kept on holding him as the train started moving again. He kept on holding him until the younger pulled away after a while, now simply looking at his face for a moment. His face was dry again and there was no trace that he had cried. His expression as neutral as always, as he scanned his face.

“Just with you holding me like that I know…. I made the right choice.”
Heeseung had to smile at that, containing his own tears, before he leaned in again to connect their lips. Their lips moved slowly against each other’s, as he carefully caressed the younger’s face. He knew he’d do anything to protect him.
“Thank you”, he mumbled against his lips.
“For what?”
“For choosing me.”
He could feel the younger smile against his lips. “Even though I wouldn’t admit it out loud… I would always choose you.”
That was all it took for his last bit of restrain to move out the window, as he kissed the younger harder now. Quickly their tongues were inside each other’s mouths, moving playfully against each other. Not even being able to convey how much they had yearned for the other. If someone would have told him that he would spend this train ride, making out with Sunghoon, instead of sitting there alone, crying to himself, he would have declared them crazy.

He couldn’t take it. He needed the other to be closer to him. But as he tried to move himself in a way to get closer to the younger, his foot bumped into the big sports bag, the other had brought and that was still under his seat. He pulled away looking confused at the pale boy.
“Why the hell is your bag so hard…. I thought you grabbed the most important stuff?”
The other looked at him equally as confused, as he licked his lips first, before answering.
“Huh I did. I brought Schopenhauer, Dostoevsky, Kafka, Beauvoir, Sartre, Camus, Hegel, Kant-“
“Are you talking about books?”, he quickly interrupted the younger, who looked at him even more confused.
“Yeah. What else would I be talking about?”
And Heeseung had to genuinely laugh at that. How could this boy be this clueless and yet so cute.
“Well what about clothes, a toothbrush and other necessities?”
Sunghoon’s eyes widened a little, realization clearly setting in. “Shit I forgot.”
Heeseung kept on laughing, as he took the younger’s hand again into his own.
“Don’t worry we’ll figure it out and in the meantime you can use my clothes.”

They kept on talking, babbling away about everything, followed by short make out sessions and them having to giggle like little children. It felt like they had to catch up, not having seen each other in over a week. Silently suffering without the other. But that didn’t matter anymore, as they were now and in the future would be together. Never having to be apart from the other ever again. Their minds were completely absent, as they were simply enjoying each other’s presence.
It was only when the younger fell asleep against his shoulder, when Heeseung was able to sort his thoughts. He looked at Sunghoon for a while. The way he slept so peacefully made his heart ache, knowing that he hadn’t been able to before. But now everything would change. They would start over in Seoul. Together. Heeseung had to smile at the thought and that word.
Together.
As his gaze slowly wandered out of the window again. The sun was rising, painting the sky in a beautiful orange color.
They were both carrying their own baggage from their upbringing and the life in the city would throw them a lot of challenges that wouldn’t be easy to handle. Heeseung knew as much. He knew that this new beginning would be hard and even painful at times. But as he looked down at the sleeping boy again, his thick brows peacefully rested and his pink lips slightly pouting, he carefully leaned his head against the other’s, a small smile adorning his face as he closed his own eyes now, because he knew.
Everything would work out, as long as they had each other.

_____________

“Perhaps everybody has a garden of Eden, I don't know; but they have scarcely seen their garden before they see the flaming sword. Then, perhaps, life only offers the choice of remembering the garden or forgetting it. Either, or: it takes strength to remember, it takes another kind of strength to forget, it takes a hero to do both.”
― James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room

Fin.