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“Darling?”
James looks up from his laptop where he just edited an arc of one of his characters in his upcoming book. It needed a bit more background, which is what his editor had told him and James had actually agreed but struggled to write it. He finally got in the flow today and he has been hauled up in his study writing, even forgetting to eat for most of the day.
At the sound of Lily’s voice, he is finally awoken from his hyper-focus and he rubs his eyes under his glasses, making them almost fall from his nose. “In here, love!”
Lily’s smiling face comes around the corner and he smiles at her in a tired but satisfied way. She walks up to him, leaning against the desk and raking her hands through his messy hair. “Have you eaten at all?” She asks scoldingly, knowing precisely what kind of day it had been for James.
He smiles at her sheepishly and cranes his neck to ask for a kiss. Lily rolls her eyes and swats the back of his head before leaning in and capturing his lips with hers for a brief moment.
The feeling of her around him will never not be the best in the world. Her soft red curls under his fingers, the smell of a summer afternoon that always seems to surround her, lips so soft and tasting like something James can only describe as purely Lily, everything about her makes him feel warm and happy. Even after twenty years of marriage James still revels in the feeling of holding her in his arms.
“I’ll cook dinner to make it up to you,” James tells her when he lets go and kisses her nose.
Lily scoffs. “As long as you don’t go complaining about having a headache tonight. It’s your own fault,” she smiles fondly at her husband. James has always been this way and Lily knows her husband through and through. “Did you at least have a good day writing?”
“Oh yes,” James beams, closing his laptop and standing to tell Lily about what he has been writing all day. They make their way down the stairs into the kitchen while talking. Lily tells James on her turn about the set of triplets she helped deliver that day, gushing endlessly about how well it went and how good the babies are doing.
Lily goes to make tea while James rummages through the cabinets to get the ingredients he needs for the curry he wants to make. They move around each other with an ease that comes from being in each other’s life for half of it.
The relaxed air in the kitchen is breached when the backdoor opens with a loud bang and a whirlwind in the form of a very hasty teen blows inside.
“Harry James–”
“No, mum,” Harry interrupts her, quickly shooting her an apologising smile and closing the door with more finesse before he falls down at the kitchen table, taking his laptop from his back. “Scold me later, I just saw the email came.”
James and Lily exchange looks and both of them immediately move to look at the screen with their son.
“Didn’t you open it yet?” Lily asks, pulling up the chair next to her son and slinging her arm around his back.
“No,” Harry mutters, logging in to the laptop he drags around everywhere, “I’m scared.”
“Nonsense,” James squeezes his son’s shoulder as he crouches beside him, leaning his hand on his knee for support. “You’ll get in, and if not they will be the ones missing out on an amazing student.”
Harry looks over his shoulder, meeting his father's eyes. James gives an encouraging smile, nodding to the screen. “I’m just as excited as you are, let’s see.”
“It’s not your study application,” Harry chuckles, the nerves in his voice very clear. Lily’s thumb caresses the almost adult's shoulder. James’ hand stays on his shoulder while Harry opens his email.
He is nervous for his son. Having seen him fight for this placement so hard. He has always wanted to go to Oxford, following in the footsteps of his dad and uncles. When he first told James he had been proud, but also weary, wanting to know if it really was what Harry wanted and not just him trying to please his father. Harry had convinced him, argumentative stating why he wanted to try and get into the prestigious college like the lawyer he is going to be.
James and Lily had helped him prepare for his GCSEs. He had studied like he was going to war, and James couldn’t have been more proud. Thanks to Lily, he had more discipline than James ever had, and James had watched how his son became more confident with every practice test he took.
All that work leading up to this one email, one mouse click that would tell them all if the late nights and endless flashcard making had paid off. If the hard studying he is doing now for his A-levels is worth it. If he is going to make it or not.
“Whatever it says, we are so proud of you, darling,” Lily tells Harry as she sees him hover over the email in his inbox, with a title that tells him absolutely nothing yet.
James hums in agreement and squeezes Harry’s shoulder once more. “So proud, you did everything you could have done and it will be enough.”
Harry takes a breath, and the kitchen fills with tension when he opens the email.
Dear Mister Potter,
Thank you for your application to the Bachelor of Law at Oxford University. We are
very pleased to tell you we want to offer you a conditional placement in–
“I got in!” Harry cries out happily, jumping up from the chair and almost making James topple over. He hasn’t read the rest of the email but the three of them are on their feet, Lily and James engulfing Harry in a tight hug.
“Oh, darling, I’m so happy for you!” Lily kisses the side of Harry’s head while James kisses the other side. “This calls for a celebration!”
“Yes! Shall I call Remus and Sirius?” James asks the smile on his face rivalling his son’s.
“I can’t believe it,” Harry sighs, surprise clear on his face, looking from his parents back to the screen where the acceptance email is still open. “Only A-levels and I’m going to Oxford! Oh, man,” he laughs, ruffling his already untidy hair while looking back at the beaming faces of his parents. James is glowing and his chest is filled with love as he watches Lily squeeze Harry tight once again.
“Yes, Remus and Sirius,” Harry mutters, reacting to his father's question. “And I need to text Hermoine and Ron and– Oh, I have to call Draco, maybe he has heard something as well!”
“Go,” Lily laughs, kissing her son’s head as he is already grabbing for his bag to take out his phone. “Call around, I will go get some cake so we can celebrate properly.”
“Yes,” James smiles, kissing Lily just because he is so happy. He turns back to Harry who already has his phone in hand. “Shall I call Remus and Sirius?” He asks again and Harry only nods, the smile on his face growing wider by the second.
“I’ll be back in a bit,” Lily kisses James quickly, her smile pushing against James’. They pull apart and James squeezes her hand like he always does before she heads out of the door. Two times. Love you. They let go and Lily heads out the door.
James gets his phone from the kitchen counter where he left it when Harry comes in and opens his contacts to call his best friend.
“Sup, Prongs?” Sirius answers the phone, sounding like he has something in his mouth and not being very audible.
“Is Moony there?” James asks, the glee in his voice very clear. He wonders if Sirius can pick up on his happiness because the next second he needs to hold the phone away from his ear quickly to avoid ear damage.
“Love, it’s James! Get down here!” There is silence for a moment before Sirius returns to a normal volume. “He is coming, one sec.”
“I don’t have a second, Pads,” James laughs, practically jumping from excitement. “Hurry up.”
“Tell that to Remus,” Sirius sighs, clearly also impatient now. James hears another voice coming closer to the phone as he speaks. “Tell what to Remus?”
“That you need to hurry the fuck up because I have news,” James almost yells into his phone, laughing when he hears the grumble from his friend. At that moment, Harry comes back down the stairs, still sporting a wide smile. “Oh, one sec.”
James waves Harry over and he jumps the last two steps to jog over to sit on the table in front of his father.
“No, James, I need to ‘hurry the fuck up’ now you will not–”
“Hi Uncle Pads,” Harry speaks into James’ phone as he holds it out on speaker.
“Harry!” Sirius cheers, forgetting all about James who is leaving him in dispense. James keeps looking at Harry who keeps his uncles on their toes for a moment as he talks about nothing important. He is such a little piece of shit, way too similar to his father and James knows it. He is so proud of his son.
“Well,” Harry starts when he finally gets to the clue of his rambles. “I got an E-mail today, from–”
“Oh my god, did you get in?” Sirius yells again, making James flinch for a second time that day. Harry laughs at the face his father makes before cheering with his uncle.
“I got in!”
“Oh Harry, I’m so happy for you!” Remus sounds through the receiver as James picks up on background noises of, probably, Sirius, moving around the house. “We are so proud–”
“We’re on our way, Harry! Oh, I knew you would do it, ha! My godson is going to Oxford,” James hears Sirius laugh brightly and the sound of a closing door already sounding through the phone.
“Okay, We’ll see you in a bit!” Harry smiles, giving the phone back to his father, who has been watching his son all the time. He loves seeing the sparkle in Harry’s eyes that always reminds him of his best friend. Sirius had the same happiness in his eyes.
“See you soon, oh I can’t believe–” Sirius says, the last part probably to his husband because the line goes dead and the screen returns to James’ contact list. When he is faced with his most recent calls he sees there are 3 missed calls from an unknown number. He frowns slightly as he looks at it.
“Everything okay, Dad?” Harry asks, roaming around in the cabinet next to James for glasses to set around the table for the anticipated guests.
“Yeah,” James answers, absentmindedly waving his hand but in that second the same number pops up on his screen with an incoming call. “I’ll be back in a second.” James walks out of the kitchen, towards the hallway so he can take the call. With the euphoric feeling still blazing in his chest, James answers the call and brings the phone to his ear. “James Potter.”
“Mister Potter, you are speaking to Maggie Smith from Goderic Memorial,” the woman on the other side of the phone speaks. The words don’t really register with James but his subconscious takes over and a wave of fear washes over him. The hospital.
“Sorry, what?” James asks, interrupting the woman who had kept talking, but James had missed everything she had said.
“Am I speaking to James Potter, husband and emergency contact to Lily Evans Potter?”
“Yes,” James says, his voice taking on a tremble and he doesn’t know why he immediately moves but he does. He puts the phone on speaker on the stairs and grabs his shoes. He can feel it in his chest, tightening his airways, like a hand closing around it. Something is very wrong .
Tieing his shoes he keeps listening to the woman on the other side of the phone. “I am calling you to ask you to come in. I am so sorry but your wife has been in a car accident and we need you to identify the body.”
James freezes. His laces from his one untied shoe fall from his hand and he stares at the phone that just spoke the word ‘body’. “Body, what- sorry, what do you mean body?”
“I’m sorry to inform you, you’re wife passed on sight. They tried reanimating her but–”
James doesn’t hear anything else but just falls backwards against the wall behind him, he collapses with a beeping noise in his ear, his brain going blank except for the three words that keep repeating in his head. Passed on sight.
Passed. On. Sight.
Passed.
His head spins, his legs give out and he doesn’t realise he has grabbed onto the coat rack that tumbled down in front of him, making such a loud noise that Harry comes sprinting into the hall with urgency.
“Dad?! Dad, are you okay?”
Harry's voice pierces through the haze that had overtaken James’ brain and he finally manages to try and comprehend what is happening. He turns his head to his son, finding his eyes roaming over James’ face and body, flicking towards the phone on the stairs. The moss-green eyes that were identically to Lily’s. Those beautiful eyes he will never get to see again.
Lily is dead.
Harry is grabbing the phone.
James reacts immediately to the worry his son might hear the news from some stranger. He pushes up, grabbing onto Harry’s wrist and dragging him away. “No,” he says sharply, taking the phone from Harry’s hand and bringing it back to his ear. “I will be there when I can.” His voice is like that of a robot and he doesn’t even wait for the woman to give her condolences again as he ends the calls.
Turning back to his son, James tries to keep his mind where it needs to be but seeing Harry makes him want to faint. The eyes, his faded smile, the furrow of his brow, it’s Lily. But Lily isn’t here anymore.
Body. Passed on sight.
James reaches his hands out and finds Harry’s, grabbing onto them for dear life. A life that Lily has just left. How? How is this happening? She was just here.
“Dad, what’s going on?” Harry asks, voice thick as if he knows what James has just learned and is fighting the reality that his mum is gone.
When James opens his mouth to speak, try and tell Harry something he should never have to tell him, try and find the words to deliver this unbearable news, the lock of the door clicks and a loud Sirius pushes inside.
“Where is my brilliant godson?!” Sirius looks from Harry to James, their hands holding onto each other with white knuckles and the expression on both their faces. His smile falls immediately and in two steps he is at James’ side, hand on his shoulder, giving him the support James really needs right now. “What is going on?”
Remus follows behind Sirius and comes to stand next to Harry, looking between him and his father. Harry looks back to James, waiting, not knowing what evil there is to come, but feeling that something is coming.
Later, James wouldn’t remember how he got the words out, or how he even found the strength to think them, but he managed to do it. Looking Harry straight in the eye, his heart breaks as he opens his mouth. “Mum has been in a car accident, that was the hospital calling,” James feels his voice tremble but the tears don’t come, he feels empty and detached, delivering the news as just a messenger. “She passed away on sight.”
Harry blinks. Looks at Sirius, who has gasped sharply, at Remus who has put their hand on Harry’s shoulder, then back to his father who hasn’t looked away from him yet and he starts shaking his head.
“No, you’re mistaken,” he states clearly. “They are mistaken, they mixed her up with someone else, she is not gone, she is not dead, she is not–”
James tugs on Harry’s hands and wraps his arms around his son, wanting to protect him from this pain, the unbearable feeling of losing your mother is something James knows, but he had been in his late twenties. Harry hasn’t even graduated high school yet and now he has to find a way to finish high school, start university, graduate, find a job, buy a house, travel the world, get married, have kids, build his life all while his mum is not there to witness it anymore.
The feeling of Harry’s shocking shoulders and the weight of his body going limp against James brings the man back to the ground. His feet are steadily planted on the wooden floor as he holds his on through his sobbing. He will hold him through his grief, he won’t let him go, can’t let him go.
He meets Remus’ eyes over Harry’s shoulder. Remus who just lost his best friend most unexpectedly. He hadn’t even had the opportunity to see her one last time. Lily and Remus have been together since childhood, growing up in the same street, attending the same primary and joining the same friend group in high school. Remus had been Lily’s best man at their wedding, Lily being Remus’ maid of honour when he finally married Sirius. Remus had gone with Lily to IVF appointments, sharing in all the hardship and sorrow. Remus was the one who they had called first when Lily found out she was pregnant with Harry at last. Remus, whose eyes are hazy, looks totally lost, silent tears streaming over his cheeks as he keeps his eyes on Sirius.
Sirius, who had been there the day Lily and James met. Sirius, who knew from the beginning they would end up together. Sirius, who had teased Lily for her brains and fiery temper but quickly found that she was the most beautiful soul he could ever have wished for as a friend. Sirius who had always believed in Lily’s dreams, pushed her into medical school. Sirius who had almost broken his hand while holding Lily’s as she gave birth to his godson. Sirius, who James can feel weeping against his back.
They stand in the group hug, not moving an inch, hoping that if they don’t maybe time will stop or even better; reverse itself. They stand still until the doorbell goes and for a split second James believes the mumbles Harry has tried to push out for the past few minutes and Lily is alive and would walk into the house any second.
But Lily wouldn’t ring the bell, she had a key, she could just walk inside. So, it couldn’t have been his deceased wife, and James slowly straightened a little as he watched how Sirius went for the door.
“Hello Sirius, we’re here for–” Hermoine starts but is interrupted by the tall, blond teen who pushes passed Sirius into the house and takes Harry from James’ arms, engulfing him close.
“Harry?” Draco asks, kissing the top of Harry’s head as he casts a look at James’ blank face, Remus’ frozen stare and Sirius’ tear-streaked cheeks. He turns back to James, waiting for answers with a furrow on his brow. “Where is Lily?”
Draco has always been a very observant and emphatic boy. James likes the teen for that but right now he hates him. Hates how he can see that Harry sinks into his touch as if it’s the only thing that can keep him alive in the loss of his mum. Hates that Harry doesn’t need him as much, because he has Draco to help him through everything. He doesn’t want to let go of his son.
“Lily died,” Sirius whispers, to answer the questioning expressions of the newcomers.
“Oh, Harry,” Hermoine breathes, her voice breaking as she and Ron push forward to catch their best friend. James steps back to give them the space they need to hold Harry.
A strong hand lands on his shoulder and when he turns he finds his own best friends waiting for him to join them in their grief. James doesn’t know why he can’t cry. Even as they all take a moment to just stand in silence. He can hear Harry’s sobbing, Hermoine’s soft sniffles and feel Sirius’ choking on his own sorrow. Tears won’t come for him. He just stares, not knowing how he feels, what to feel, or what to do now.
Body.
“I need to get to the hospital,” James croaks out. He looks at Sirius who nods, understanding the non-spoken question. They look at Remus who immediately turns to the teenagers who have let go of Harry a little.
“Can I get you guys home?” Remus asks softly.
“I’m not leaving Harry,” Draco tells Remus, his arm tightly wrapped around his boyfriend.
Remus looks from Harry, who is evenly clinging to the blonde, to James. He watches his son, almost falling apart at the seams. There is nothing he wants more than to keep him close, comfort him, tell him everything is going to be okay, but James knows he doesn’t have the strength, he doesn’t even have the space to feel everything he is feeling for himself, let alone that he can reassure Harry in the way he needs.
James nods at Draco who is giving him a questioningly pained expression. “Bring Harry with you, I need to sort all kinds of things and he is better off with you right now.”
“Dad, I–” Harry croaks, speaking coherently for the first time since James broke the news to him.
“No, I’ll be fine,” James interrupts him with an unconvincing smile. “Go, I’ll come get you when I have things sorted.”
James doesn’t miss the glance exchanged between Sirius and Remus, the worry clear in the lines of their faces, but he can’t worry about more than he already is. Harry nods weakly and Ron darts into the house to quickly grab Harry’s stuff, knowing well enough what his best friend needs. Hermoine helps Draco with soothing Harry and James feels like he is looking at a scene from the past. Four friends, all loving one another. The biggest difference is that for them no one is missing yet.
The feeling of Harry’s arms wrapping around James, makes the older man wake up from his flashback. He hugs his son tight, caressing his hair before planting a kiss into it. “I love you, Bambi,” James mutters, squeezing Harry close. He feels his shock against him again, the tears coming back up. Harry’s denial is bleeding into grief and anger quickly and James knows acceptance will come one day. For him, the tears are still not there. “Go, I’ll be fine.”
“I love you, Dad,” Harry sniffles, “please be safe out there.”
“I will let nothing happen,” Sirius promises, from where he just said goodbye to his husband. “We’ll see you soon, kiddo.”
Harry nods solemnly as he follows Remus out the door to get to Draco’s house, who isn’t letting go of Harry’s hand any time soon. As they pull out of the driveway, James turns back around to grab his own keys and tie his one loose shoe.
“Let’s go,” James says, not bothering to put on a jacket.
“Prongs–”
“Sirius, now,” James says harshly, not having the energy, space of mind or even will to address anything Sirius might want to talk about.
Sirius just lets his head hang and follows James outside, getting into the car with him to go to the hospital and face Lily’s lifeless body.
“Are you sure, I can’t–” Sirius starts when they get out of the car. Sirius had been rambling the whole ride back home, filling the silence that felt heavy in the air.
“Sirius, I need to be alone right now,” James snaps at him. It’s not like him to get angry at Sirius. They sparsely ever fight, and when they do they make up within the same day. Now, James feels… well, he still doesn’t really feel but the urge to strangle Sirius and his attempts to find the positive in life right now.
“Oh,” Sirius sighs, probably trying to understand James’ position but not being able to wrap his head around it. Nevertheless, he smiles softly and drags James into a hug. “We can come back tonight, stay with you?”
James wants to say no, scream, cry, fall apart, and curse at the universe for taking the person he loved most dearly in this life. He can’t. “Yeah, just–” James pulls away, shuffling back a little to create space, “get some stuff, maybe pick up Harry after?”
“Remus texted that Narcissa has told Harry he could stay as long as he wanted, I think he wants to stay with Draco for now,” Sirius tells him carefully. Something in James snaps, there was this feeling of pieces crumbling bit by bit and he can’t hold it together. He needs his son with him as much as he doesn’t want him to see his father break down.
It’s better for Harry .
“Yes, of course,” James nods, straightening up a bit as he grabs onto his keys more tightly. “I– I’ll just ring him, whenever. Here take my car, I don’t need it anymore today anyway.”
“Okay,” Sirius answers, taking the keys from James’ outstretched hand. “I’ll be back soon, I love you Prongs.”
James doesn’t find the strength in him to say it back. “Drive safe,” he mutters, before turning towards the door of his house and shutting the outside world out.
The hallway greets him darkly. The coat rack is still on the ground and in his haste to find his shoes, James had strewn around others that were on the rack. He sees Lily’s workshoes next to Harry’s football ones, standing together, as they should be.
Turning away quickly James can feel his breathing quicken. He bows down to pick up the coat rack and feels his hand brush against one of Lily’s many scarves. The auburn one that matched so well with her hair. The air stops in James’ throat, making him choke on it. His chest tightens and the sensation of his insides burning down to ash makes his mouth fall open. He tries desperately, letting the scarf slip through his fingers, to take a breath but it doesn’t work. There is not enough oxygen in the world to make James feel like he can breathe normally ever again.
Staggering into the living room his vision blurs, not from tears but the lack of oxygen getting to his brain. He tries, and tries but he can’t breathe. It’s all-consuming, the burning in his chest, the bone-deep pain that finally seems to settle into his body. It’s only his refectory system kicking in that makes him breathe in sharply, filling his lungs with sharp cold air that feels like shards of glass ripping through his chest.
How? How is he breathing? How is it possible for him to be alive while his Lily isn’t? The world should have stopped turning, everything should have stopped when Lily’s breathing had given out. James should have felt it.
He didn’t. He didn’t know what happened, there was no earth-shaking shock going through the universe when the most precious flower withered, fading away while the sun was still shining. He should have felt it.
It’s not fair. Nothing makes sense. Lily is the brightest, the best, the most lovely– It’s not fair, that he is standing here in their living room, Lily visible all around him but not with him. Her smile is audible in the billowing curtains, moving from a soft summer breeze. The radio on the countertop that she always sings along to while dancing around the kitchen, the rug under James’ feet where they had made sweet love more than once after long nights of talking and wine.
The cups on the table set out by Harry for their celebration of his big new glare at him, and James feels the anger flare in his chest as he curls his toes into the rug. It’s not fair.
“It’s not fair…” he mumbles to himself, stalking over to the table and slamming his fist against it. “It’s not fair.” He picks up one of the chairs flinging it about the room, making it whack against the opposite wall. He snaps. Everything he couldn’t feel before comes rushing in and James lets out a guttural scream as he picks up another chair, throwing it after the first.
“It’s not fair! IT’S NOT FAIR!”
With a mighty swipe of his arm, the cups and plates of the table go flying. As easily as the porcelain dishware shatters to the wooden floor, James breaks down from the inside. All of him breaks in a thousand pieces and the tears start streaming down his face.
He picks up everything he can get his hands on, furniture, cups, bottles and breaks it all. Screaming at the top of his lungs in a primal rage because he lost part of himself when Lily died. Half his soul is shattered and everything around him deserves to shatter with him.
His glasses are fogged over, he doesn’t see anything and his head is swimming with pain , pure and undilated grief. He falls against one of the shelves of the kitchen, hanging onto it to keep upright and making it break from the weight put on it. Something bounces off his shoulder to the floor and the sound of delicate glass cracking makes him look down.
There is a picture, the frame is broken but the photo is still unscathed.
Lily beams up at him from beyond the broken glass, smiling brightly to his own face who looks so happy to even be in the presence of the women. It was the picture they took on the date when Lily had asked James to be hers, officially. James had been so stunned because he thought he was the one who was going to ask that and probably be denied. He couldn’t be any happier when Lily whispered the sweet words to cheek.
Be mine?
James can still hear it so clearly. His answer was not in the form of words, but a kiss that lasted a lifetime. That lifetime is over now. Lily is gone and James is alone, belonging to no one.
He ducks down to take the frame into his trembling hands while his rage subsides and he wipes the glass shards off the frame. He stares at the beautiful face of his wife as tears come. Lily’s smile disappears as James’ glasses get smeared and he feels his knees give out.
The frame clatters from his hands as he slides down the wall, hugging his knees and shaking from the realisation he will never hold her again, never hear her laugh or sing again, never even see her again. She is gone. The sun is weeping, losing its light, as the most beautiful flower has wilted.
