Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It went rock, step-step, step, rock, step-step, step- or at least, N was pretty sure it did, if his memories of the Elliotts Manor were correct. They probably weren't and he was being dumb again. He deserved all the things that happened to him there.

He shouldn't be thinking like that, but it was hard to not. J, misguided as she may have been, was usually just using him as a scapegoat and outlet for her own feelings about her self and her worth. They shouldn't be taken with more than a grain of salt, and yet... Something screams at him for pain.

It was probably all the years dealing with it on Copper-9. Killing drones and eating oil, being bossed around. He'd gotten used to being yelled at and getting hurt by J, and ignored by V. He wasn't proud to admit, but sometimes he had been unnecessarily cruel on some hunts after J nearly got his core a few times.

What would Uzi think?

She didn't care much about the whole...murder thing. She probably did and just didn't say anything though, so N was left in the dark about her opinions on him having took part in the near genocide of her people. He hopes that if she was disgusted and angry at him that she wouldn't just not say anything and keep their relationship going for some reason. He'd deserve that, wouldn't he? To think someone loves and cares about him for so long only for them to hate him. It'd be ironic.

Uzi wouldnt like him thinking like that. She didn't want him to talk negatively about himself for some reason.

Ever since that whole thing with Cyn and the Absolute Solver, N just felt...numb. it made no sense, he and V were free now! Heck, sometimes that Lizzy girl called V by Vicky- the name that Tessa gave her way back when. N acted fine in front of other people to- so why couldn't he just be fine? The whole fight thingy was months ago by now, everyone else was over it.

Maybe N just felt bad because it felt like that was still his little sister in there, that they killed Cyn. V said Cyn was dead long before then, and it was the Absolute Solver, but a part of him still hung onto her. He felt guilty for not being able to help her more. If he just tried a bit harder, at the Manor, at the Gala, at the fight, then maybe everything would have ended up fine.

What was he doing again? Oh, yeah. He wanted to show Uzi swing dancing. He used to know it, but it was so hard to relearn. Maybe it was because he was trying to learn the leading part, and whenever he danced with Tessa or V back at the Manor, he was always following them.

Why was he even trying? It's not like Uzi liked to dance anyway.

It's not like there was anything important or special that he wanted to surprise her for, it was just some day in some week in a random month.

N loved Uzi. There wasn't ever any doubt about that, he loved her. He'd give the world for her, he'd die and kill for her, but for some reason, he couldn't even make a fun, random surprise for her. Some boyfriend he was, Uzi shouldn't have to waste her time on him.

Their relationship wasn't built to last, and really everyone around them knew it too. It was good right after the Solver stuff, but long term it struggled. They were so different, and N tried his best to really get into the things Uzi liked- he honestly did like them, and loved that she found happiness with them, but they both had more differences rather than shared interests.

N loved Uzi, but he thought it might be better to...stay friends rather than partners. But he couldn't just say that to her, Uzi was going through some stuff with her parents.

N and Uzi got a house together and were moving in, and Khan and Nori were worried. Though Uzi had graduated from school and had her own department of the WDF she was running, they still thought of Uzi and, to some extent, N were kids. And also N couldn't just leave right after moving in, just him and her. That was just cruel.

N didn't like looking at himself anymore. Maybe it was because his hair grew out- he didn't even know drone hair could do that- or that for some reason it felt more prominent that he was designed to be a male Disassembly Drone. Of course that didn't mean a whole lot, they weren't human, they didn't reproduce like that or have organic things, but it was how others perceived him. The flat-ish chest, the boxy silhouette, the wide legs and feet, they just made him feel bad. Maybe something was wrong with his code.

He was made like that for ground support. He was specialized to be the 'muscle' of the group, going more on foot and hand-to-hand rather than sneak attacks or arial strikes. He was built to be an efficient predator. And he was.

There was a reason why J, V and N had been favored so much. They all had high kill counts, even if N was the worst hunter of them, they were still best over all.

And that's probably why V used to waste so much oil and toy with the drones she had killed. They could afford the waste and then some.

Add that to the list of things wrong with him- horrid memory, can't love his girlfriend right, can't do anything right, can't be ok with his body, and he wasnt just a murderer and canabal, he was good at it too.

Why did anyone even bother with him? He was awful, just some chunk of metal dragging them down. He was better off dead.

Hell, he might have been the one to kill Uzis mom.

He was probably bringing up so many bad memories for Khan and Nori by just being there, he should do them a favor and leave, so he'd never hurt them again.

It could be easy. Just hooking himself up to a computer and running the permanent shut down sequence, it'd take a bit, but when it was done no one would ever be able to get the 'consiousnes' of N.

But then he'd just be gone. No, he doesn't deserve something without some misery.

He'd upload all his code and consciousness onto a flash drive and have one more code running through his chassis to fly around, dropping said flash drive somewhere before crashing and dying. Then he'd be conscious the whole time. He wouldnt be able to hear, see, talk, or feel anything, but he'd know how much time has passed and he'd remember everything. That seemed like a fitting punishment.

He had like, 3 hours before Uzi came back home. He only needed 30 minutes.

He wrote a quick note up, saying he was just going out for a bit and that he loved her. Then, he started with making the code.

If: fdUpload-100%
Then: take flash drive
Leave bunker peacefully
Take:long route
To: spire 4
Drop: flashdrive en route
After:10 minutes
Shut off

He then uploaded himself into the flash drive.

He could tell you the exact moment that his optic sensors were uploaded.

And soon, he was alone with himself. In a state of blindness and deafness and with nothing touching him, not even the air.

Hopefully the code worked.

It probably would

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When V found Ns body, she was distraught.

It looked like that idiot overheated, which felt like something he would do. It also made sense that he was acting slightly off like the WDF said when leaving, if that idiot didn't stalk up enough on oil.

When V brought his body back, Uzi sobbed. Uzi demanding to carry N to the morgue herself, taking N from V. V let her.

They had a funeral for him and then, like with all Drone corpses that were relatively fine, his pieces were reused.

Apparently, N had Worker Drone body hardware and Disassembly Drone Limb Extensions. Uzi took his extensions, attaching them to herself as a sort of homage to her lover. Drones that needed replacement limbs took some from his body, and his hair was used as a wig for a young Worker Drone who just got her body. As tradition, Ns torso and head weren't given away, instead they were placed in a casket and buried in the cemetery, with many other drones and their names etched into stones that used to be for humans.

V held Lizzy's hand tight as Khan and Nori held Uzi close. It was weird to be able to look Uzi in the eyes without looking down now.

V was angry, it was an avoidable accident. On Vs, Uzis and Ns part, but V couldn't bring herself to blame anyone but herself. She should have asked if they had enough oil, should have gifted them more at their house warming party, should have swung by and checked in.

And yet... He was dead, overheated, the Drones at the morgue confirmed that it was death by overheat anyway.

Chapter Text

N had regrets.

So many regrets.

And being stuck with no outside stimulation or any awareness of the world beyond the flashdrive, he got time to think and reflect on his regrets.

Sometimes, you can only see the green grass that was on your side from across the road.

N had it good. He could have been happy, talked to people about his issues, been ok...

But he didn't.

And he regretted that.

2 and a half years. 30 or so months. 130. weeks. 913 days. That was how long he had been stuck here. In the flashdrive.

He wanted Uzi. Wanted V. Anyone. Did he deserve them?

He doesn't know.

But he did know the exact moment he was moved from the flashdrive to a tablet.

And wasn't that terrifying.

It was a faster upload, and when everything was there, and who ever turned on his abilities to see and hear and talk.

/Uzi/.

No. No. No, no, put him back, he couldnt do this, he hurt her he has no right to take up more of her time and emotional energy, no, please.

And Uzi recognized him and her vents whirred louder.

She should be mad at him, shut him down and throw him back away, like he did there relationship.

Wait...were those his arms? And that was definitely his coat, why would she...

Oh, oh no...she still loved him. Ohh...

N was gonna cry, well he would if he had the ability to.

Uzi held the tablet to her chest in a kind of hug, crying and saying things that the lower quality audio processors of the tablet couldn't pick up right.

Eventually she pulled back, saying something about how she was going to shut him down for a bit and do something or other.

Thankfully, the shut down was like Sleep Mode, so he drifted off in peace.

When he woke, he was in a body. A Worker Drones body. The hair fell particularly over one of the body's eyes, it was a blonde-ish color, like Lizzy and Thad, with a kinda red tinge, and he saw the light glow of the eyes on it in an orange color.

He inhaled sharply looking around briefly before Uzi threw herself over him, followed by V. They were crying, and N was too.

God, it felt so good to be around them and to hug them and to be with them, he didn't deserve it but it felt like he did.

He saw Khan in the doorway, holding a Drones hand that had purple hair in a side ponytail and near the same color eyes as Uzi. Khan looked relieved and gave N a reassuring nod.

Lizzy and Thad were there too, Lizzy with her hand on Vs shoulder, and Thad looked half a second from joining the hug and had a strange look on his face.

N hugged Uzi back.

Maybe he could be ok.