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Viktor had never wanted things to become this extreme, but he would do whatever it took to fix himself. He had to.
He winced as the knife sliced deeper than he’d intended, clutching his wrist and gritting his teeth together. Fresh, bright red blood poured from the back of his hand, obscuring the lines of the rune he was trying to cut. And fuck, it hurt. But he was used to things hurting. And maybe, if this worked, they wouldn’t anymore.
Viktor dabbed at the wound with his already blood-soaked handkerchief in a vain attempt to clean it. There were runes cut all over him now, most of them still bleeding, and he was starting to feel a little dizzy, his vision blurring the familiar interior of the lab.
He blinked hard and tightened his grip on the knife. Focus. He was raising it to cut again, hating how badly his hand was shaking, when there was a knock at the door. He hadn’t even heard footsteps outside.
His heart clenched. Surely it wasn’t Jayce. Jayce hadn’t been at the lab for days. He was too busy with council business now, with Mel. Viktor hadn’t even seen him during the past few weeks, apart from when he came home at night and dropped into bed, too exhausted to speak. Some nights, he didn’t come home at all, leaving their apartment feeling empty and cold.
He didn’t answer the knocking, hoping it was just one of the janitors. They never came into the lab unless they were invited. He held his breath, aware of the blood running down his arm, his bare chest and his exposed back brace and the rune-shaped cuts all over him. Had he locked the door? He must have. He couldn’t imagine how this would look if—
“Vik?” His breath caught in his throat at the familiar voice. “Are you in there?”
Maybe if I don’t respond, he’ll leave. But deep down Viktor knew that wouldn’t work. Jayce was a worrier—he always had been. He would break the door down if he thought anything had happened to Viktor.
It was kind of sweet, really, for him to care that much. Even though Viktor wasn’t really sure why he did.
“Um.” Viktor winced, noting that his voice was tight with pain. He dabbed at the blood again—it made little difference. “I’m, uh…busy?”
“Vik? You’re still here?” Jayce exclaimed, his voice muffled by the door but still unmistakably fretful. “You sound like you’re in pain!”
Goddamnit. “I’m, uh, fine!” Viktor called. “You can—g-go home, I-I’ll meet you there!”
He could practically see Jayce’s concerned frown in his mind’s eye. “I’m coming in.”
“No, no, don’t—” Viktor exclaimed, but it was too late. Jayce’s keys turned in the lock—at least Viktor had locked it—and the door swung open, revealing everything.
Jayce’s eyes widened as he scanned Viktor up and down, and he cursed his decision to sit at the table directly across from the door. Sitting anywhere else would have bought him some time. He barely even blinked before Jayce was running over to him, skidding to a stop before him with his hands hovering, breath heaving, as if unsure what to do.
“Viktor?” he said quietly, his eyes lifting to his face. Viktor avoided his golden gaze, unwilling to see the fear there. “Wh-what are you doing?”
“…Experimenting,” Viktor replied, and as soon as the word left his mouth he knew it was the wrong thing to say.
“Oh, Vik…” said Jayce. “You’re bleeding. You’re bleeding everywhere!” For the first time he seemed to notice the small knife in Viktor’s hand. His eyes widened further. “Are you hurting yourself?!”
Viktor dropped the knife, and it landed on the table with a clatter. “Umm…” he said, because he couldn’t think of a good response. He didn’t think there was one.
Jayce snatched the knife up and threw it across the room, as far away as he could. That definitely wasn’t safe, Viktor thought somewhere in the back of his mind. Jayce looked as if he were on the verge of a panic attack, but he righted himself enough to say, “Hold on,” and dash over to the sink.
A wave of dizziness hit Viktor, and he began to realize just how much blood he’d been losing from this. He barely saw Jayce return, his blurry form coming back into view with a wet towel in one hand and the first aid kit in the other. “I-I’m gonna clean you up, okay?” he said softly. “It’s—it’s gonna be okay. You’re okay now.” He sounded more like he was trying to convince himself.
Viktor didn’t know what to do, so he just let Jayce take his hand, gently pressing the warm, wet towel to the back of it. Viktor winced, but it didn’t feel too bad. When Jayce lifted it up, the half-drawn rune was revealed, a little messier than Viktor had intended. But honestly, it wasn’t all that easy to draw on his own skin.
“Viktor,” Jayce said, slowly looking up at him, “this is a rune, isn’t it?”
Viktor nodded. “Yes, Jayce. I…I believe I have found the answer. This experiment will fix me.”
“Vik…” The sheer sadness in Jayce’s eyes was like nothing Viktor had ever seen. “Nothing is worth hurting yourself like this. And you don’t need to be fixed. I’ve told you that!”
Viktor sighed. “Jayce, you don’t know what you’re saying.”
“I do!” Jayce insisted, popping open the first aid kit and taking out a little bottle of iodine. “God, Viktor…I’m so sorry. I should’ve been here.” He poured some of the iodine onto the towel. “This might hurt a bit.”
Viktor steeled himself. “Jayce, why do you bother with me?”
Jayce looked at him like he had three heads. “You’re my partner,” he said simply, as if it were the obvious answer. “And I never…god, Vik, I never want to see you hurting yourself. Look at all this.” He gestured helplessly to the numerous cuts on Viktor’s body. “I can’t imagine how much pain you must be in.”
Viktor shrugged. “It’s worth it—ow!” Jayce pressed the iodine-soaked cloth to the back of his hand, sending spikes of pain deep into the severed flesh.
“Nothing is worth this,” Jayce said firmly. “I’m going to clean you up, and then we’re going home. I’m gonna make up for not being here, okay? I promise.”
“Jayce, it’s okay,” Viktor said, catching his breath. “You have more important matters to attend to now.” Like Mel.
Jayce shook his head. “Nothing’s more important than you.” He dabbed water on the cut again, then reached for a roll of cloth bandages and wound them gently around Viktor’s hand. “Fuck the council, anyway. They don’t do anything.” He moved to the next cut, on Viktor’s upper arm, and began to clean it too.
Viktor shuddered in spite of himself—Jayce was the only person he ever let touch him, and he was always so gentle. His touch was perhaps the nicest thing that Viktor had ever felt. He cleaned his self-inflicted wounds with such care and precision, each motion intending to hurt Viktor as little as possible. It almost made him want to cry—not that he ever did. Jayce was definitely the crier between the two of them.
“You’re beautiful, you know,” Jayce said, absentmindedly. Viktor felt his face flush—he was staring at his bare chest. “You cutting yourself is like…like tarnishing a masterpiece.”
Viktor felt burning behind his eyes, and his vision got even blurrier. Oh no. He was not going to cry, especially not in front of Jayce. He hadn’t cried since he was a little kid, growing up in the fissures. Firmly, he blinked back the tears. “You really think that?”
“Of course I do,” said Jayce, as if it were obvious. “We’ll find a different way to heal you, Vik, I swear. Just…not one that’ll hurt you. That’s entirely out of the question.”
Despite everything, Viktor found himself smiling. “You worry too much.”
“I have every right to!” Jayce exclaimed, winding a bandage around Viktor’s wiry arm. “I’m never leaving you alone again after this! Why was that knife even in here?”
“From when we tried to cut the Hexcore open,” Viktor said, rolling his eyes. “That was a stupid idea.”
Jayce snorted. “Yeah. I’ll get it out of here after this—wherever it landed.” He moved onto the next cut, on Viktor’s chest. His hands felt strange there—he only ever touched Viktor’s chest when they cuddled, and they hadn’t been as of late. Jayce often spent the night at Mel’s nowadays.
Viktor tried to ignore how much that hurt. It was a stupid thing to be upset about.
“I’m serious, though,” Jayce continued, shaking Viktor out of his thoughts. “If you even start thinking about doing this again, call me. No matter where I am. And I will come and stop you, okay?”
Viktor finally met his honey-colored eyes, returning his small smile. “Okay.”
“Good,” said Jayce. “I’m really am sorry I haven’t been home.”
“It’s fine,” said Viktor, because it was. He was glad Jayce had someone who offered what he could not.
“No, it isn’t,” Jayce insisted. “I miss sleeping with you. Let’s cuddle tonight, okay?”
Viktor yawned. “I do not remember the last time I slept.”
“Well, we’ll sleep tonight,” said Jayce. He dabbed another cut with iodine, and Viktor gasped at the sudden pain.
“Sorry!” Jayce exclaimed, giving Viktor’s uninjured hand a squeeze. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know,” Viktor said tightly. “It’s my own fault.”
“We will find a way to save you,” said Jayce, firmly. “I swear it.”
They were quiet, then, save for Viktor’s occasional gasps of pain as Jayce patched him up. Each time, Jayce squeezed his hand and murmured gentle reassurances, making sure he was ready before he continued cleaning and dressing his many cuts.
Finally, Jayce applied the last bandage and snapped the first-aid kit shut. “There,” he said softly, squeezing Viktor’s hand again before getting up to put the supplies away. Viktor waited for him to return, feeling too dizzy to stand on his own.
“You want me to help you up?” asked Jayce as he walked back over.
Viktor hesitated before nodding. “I feel light-headed…I do not think it would be wise to walk without you.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s what blood loss does to you, V,” Jayce said wryly, grabbing Viktor’s cane from where it was leaning against the table and offering him a hand. Viktor took it, and Jayce helped him to his feet. Immediately upon standing up, a wave of dizziness even stronger than before hit Viktor, and he swayed on his feet, nearly toppling over. But Jayce was fast, and he caught him in his strong arms, cradling him against his chest and handing him his cane.
“Thanks,” Viktor said, leaning hard on it. “Thanks for…everything.”
“Don’t mention it,” said Jayce. “Remember what I said, about calling me.”
“I will,” Viktor said, although deep down he knew he’d be trying this again tomorrow. “Now let’s go to bed.”
Slowly and carefully, the pair made their way out of the lab and through the winding halls to the staircase that led to their shared apartment. Viktor leaned heavily on Jayce the whole time, his head still swimming with dizziness and fatigue. Eventually they made it to the door, and Jayce pulled it open, ushering Viktor inside and locking it behind them.
After a short trip down the hall, the pair finally ended up in their bedroom, and Jayce immediately led Viktor over to his bed, yanking the covers off and letting Viktor get situated. He leaned his cane against the nightstand and laid down in the cool sheets, letting out a sigh of relief. He honestly couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept in a bed—he spent most of his nights now collapsed on a chair in the lab, his head resting on his latest mess of notes.
He felt the mattress dip as Jayce climbed into bed beside him, and his heart fluttered pleasantly at the familiarity of it. He had missed this, more than he’d ever admit. He opened his eyes a crack and watched Jayce draw the blankets up over them before rolling over to face Viktor, drawing him into his arms. Viktor snuggled into his chest, his cheek pressed into the crook of his neck, and sighed contentedly. Being back in Jayce’s arms felt like coming home after a long trip. Like was finally back where he was supposed to be.
“There’s my Viktor,” Jayce said softly into his hair, rubbing his back. “Your cuts don’t hurt, do they? Did I clean them up okay?”
“They’re fine,” Viktor reassured him, reaching up to tangle his long, spindly fingers in Jayce’s short, dark hair. “You did a good job.”
“I’m glad,” said Jayce. “I’m so relieved I came here tonight, I was just going to pick up some things and I didn’t think you would be in the lab…” He trailed off, sighing and squeezing Viktor closer. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing,” Viktor scolded. “Go to sleep. You clearly haven’t been getting enough of it.”
“You’re one to talk,” scoffed Jayce, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. “Goodnight, V.”
Viktor felt warm inside, and smiled, kissing Jayce’s chin in return. “Goodnight, Jayce.”