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ROS: Hey, Guil? It’s me.
GUIL: You saw the news, then?
ROS: Big Fish Hamlet died, yeah.
GUIL: No, I was talking about the fact that Mariana’s dating again— the Big Fish died?
ROS: Mariana’s dating? You broke up like, a week ago!
GUIL: Yeah, a girl from her bio class, apparently— That’s not what’s important here, Rosencrantz! How did he die?
ROS: They say natural causes, but I doubt it.
GUIL: No one’s buying that shit, not for a man like him.
ROS: Right? You don’t get to where he did in the drug world without making enemies. Like, one of us dying of natural causes I could buy – maybe not Hamlet, all things considered – but the Big Fish?
GUIL: Maybe he was in a little pond, after all.
ROS: Wow. How #deep of you.
GUIL: Don’t make fun of me, man, our boss just died!
ROS: They found him in his greenhouse.
GUIL: Fitting.
ROS: Right?
GUIL: He loved that place.
ROS: He really did.
GUIL: …
ROS: …
GUIL: I mean, it was so clearly murder.
ROS: No doubt about it. Apparently, Gertrude is marrying the Big Fish’s brother and he’s taking over.
GUIL: No.
ROS: Yes.
GUIL: No way.
ROS: I’m telling you.
GUIL: How do you even know that?
ROS: Osric texted me.
GUIL: Osric has your number? Why’d you give that to him.
ROS: I regret it every single day. Comes in handy, though.
GUIL: Fuck…
ROS: Yeah.
GUIL: Who’s going to tell Hamlet? Does he already know? And what about our jobs, does Claudius still need us to tell him what his nephew’s up to? Why would Gertrude marry him? Oh, shit, did he kill the Big Fish? Fuck, man…
ROS: …
GUIL: …
ROS: So what’s with this girl Mariana’s seeing?
GUIL: I don’t even know, but you’ve just got to wonder "Is this why we broke up? Biology girl?" And if it is, I mean sure, whatever, but I’d like to have known at the time instead of agonising over it now. Cause it’s one thing to break up because you’re definitely into someone else and another thing to say I was an asshole and that we—
ROS: Hey, where are you?
GUIL: Right outside, why?
ROS: I think I can hear you.
GUIL: Whoa. That’s pretty crazy, man.
ROS: I don’t want to be the one to tell Hamlet.
GUIL: Shouldn’t he already know?
ROS: He definitely doesn’t have Osric’s phone number.
GUIL: Wouldn’t Gertrude tell him, though?
ROS: Doesn’t seem the type.
GUIL: Yeah, you’re right. She’d probably assume we’d do it.
ROS: Claudius would send him a formal letter.
GUIL: No way that thing’s not getting lost in the post.
ROS: Gone forever. Some store-bought ‘Condolences’ card, never to be opened.
GUIL: I guess we should call him, see if he already knows.
ROS: Probably… Other than that, though, how was your day?
GUIL: Pretty fine. Got groceries, filmed a couple videos, got a new Patreon supporter, that’s always nice! Other than that, uh… Oh I saw this really cute dog. It was like, one of those really wrinkly ones? And it came up to me with the happiest smile and I got to pet it and everything, it was awesome. I think the name was Champy or Chopper or something. Oh, I got us coffee!
ROS: Hey, Guildenstern?
GUIL: Yeah, Ros?
ROS: Do you ever think about death?
GUIL: No, not really.
ROS: …
GUIL: I’m gonna hang up now, I’m at the door.
ROS: Right, yeah.
GUIL: Okay, bye!
ROS: Hey, Hamlet.
GUIL: Hey, buddy.
HAMLET: …
ROS: How you hanging in there?
HAMLET: …
GUIL: You can talk to us, if you need.
ROS: Or want.
HAMLET: …
GUIL: Right, we were just checking in to say hi— He’s hung up.
ROS: Yes. Yes, he has.
GUIL: Well, fuck.
LOTTA: Horatio! Hallo, wie geht’s dir?
HORATIO: I– I’ve been alright. Mum called last week, said she’s going back to Germany to retire– but you also got that. … My friend, Hamlet, though—
LOTTA: The one you have a crush on.
HORATIO: Yeah, well, his father died. A week or so ago.
LOTTA: Oh, my condolences. That’s huge. Were they close?
HORATIO: It… It was complicated. But Hamlet practically revered him, I think. He’s not taking it— not that there is a good way to take it, I suppose, but he’s been so quiet. And the other day, he took a train back to his family home.
LOTTA: Makes sense, if he’s got family to go back to.
HORATIO: Yeah, but he left practically all his stuff here, and– I dunno, I think there’s something fishy about his family. Don’t tell him I said anything!
LOTTA: Not that I could.
HORATIO: Yeah. But I always assumed his family was pretty normal, all in all. I mean they turned out someone who – I mean, he’s got issues, right? And he’s got these two weird… stalker friends who I don’t really understand – but he’s a pretty normal guy. Since his dad died, though, it’s like he can’t stop saying weird stuff about his family.
LOTTA: Like what?
HORATIO: Like— His mum is marrying his uncle, her late husband’s brother. And I mentioned the stalker friends, apparently they report back to Hamlet’s dad – or, well – everything he does. It’s just a lot of weird little things he’s been saying. It sounds ridiculous but I wonder if his father might… have been in crime?
LOTTA: Scheisse! Horatio, how is your life so interesting?
HORATIO: I wish it wasn’t. I’d be happy to just be a boring student with a boring flatmate and boring problems.
LOTTA: But then my soap opera would fail!
HORATIO: Yeah?
LOTTA: It’s called My Brother’s Life, and it has a very dedicated fanbase, I’ll have you know. Everyone thinks the titular brother and his flatmate should get over themselves and confess, because that plotline, quite frankly, is getting boring.
HORATIO: Thanks.
HORATIO: …
LOTTA: How are you holding up, though? I know your life’s been pretty hectic.
HORATIO: I’ve been… fine. I’m worried. I have some big exams coming up but I can’t seem to focus on anything except Hamlet. I’m worried about him, mostly. He’s not… He hasn’t been… I’m just worried.
LOTTA: He’s an adult, he can handle himself. I know you worry, and you fret, and there’s nothing I can do to stop that except remind you to take your anxiety meds. But trust me, unless he’s explicitly asked for help, worry about yourself. Grief is awful. Don’t let it ruin your Uni experience again, certainly not someone else’s.
HORATIO: Yeah…
LOTTA: Look, Horatio, it’s good to help your friend; he’s going through a difficult time, and you know how it feels to lose a family member like that. I’m not saying it’s not kind of you to offer him support, I’m saying it shouldn’t outweigh your own needs. Don’t let your desire to support Hamlet sink your academic career.
HORATIO: No, you’re right, thank you.
LOTTA: Of course. You know I’m always here for you, when you need me.
HORATIO: What’s up with you, then? I’ve been talking about my own issues for so long…
LOTTA: Oh, well, I do have some news.
HORATIO: What is it?
LOTTA: I’m pregnant!
HORATIO: Lotta! Ich gratuliere! That’s amazing!
LOTTA: Ja! Ich denke das!
HORATIO: Do you know whose it is?
LOTTA: No, and I don’t really care. It’s mine, really.
HORATIO: Of course. I’m so happy for you.
LOTTA: You’re welcome to help me find names. I don’t trust any of my friends to think of nice German names.
HORATIO: And you want German names?
LOTTA: I want them to be in the running, at least. Otherwise it feels like a betrayal to home, you know? I need to at least acknowledge that I’m German in naming this baby or I’ll go mad.
HORATIO: How far along are you? Do you know the gender yet?
LOTTA: No, but I’m not too fussed about it. For names, I’ll consider a full range of options, and pick day-of. I don’t think I’d be able to make up my mind before holding it in my arms.
HORATIO: That makes sense, I suppose.
LOTTA: Shit, I have to go, but remember what I told you! Don’t put Hamlet’s needs above yours, okay?
HORATIO: Yeah, and congratulations again!
LOTTA: Thanks! Okay, tschüss!
HORATIO: Tschüss!
HAMLET: Horatio!
HORATIO: Hamlet! Are you okay? I haven’t heard from you in days, I was getting really worried. Where are you— Are you… running?
HAMLET: Yeah, just going for a jog.
HORATIO: Hamlet. Tell me what’s going on.
HAMLET: I need to you to pass a message to my uncle and Laertes.
HORATIO: What message? What’s going on?
HAMLET: No, nevermind, don’t worry about it. I can just text them, now that I’ve got my phone back. Good to have my phone back– I should probably look at a map, actually, I don’t think I know where I am right now. Don’t suppose you could send me some money for a train ticket, could you? Pretty sure Claudius froze my account. I’m supposed to be dead! Ooh, I think I’m in shock. I think that’s what this is.
HORATIO: Hamlet! Please, just slow down. Tell me what’s going on.
HAMLET: Ah, well, I was in the car with Ros and Guil and we were attacked by highwaymen. They took me captive, but they were quite honourable folk, and promised to return me back home if I got them clean drugs. I don’t remember exactly what they wanted but you know my family, practically a pharmaceutical company, and always high quality. Probably. I’m not actually sure what gets done with it when it leaves the house but I’m pretty sure it’s still clean, right?
HORATIO: That didn’t happen.
HAMLET: …
HORATIO: That didn’t happen, Hamlet.
HAMLET: …
HORATIO: What really happened?
HAMLET: ...
HAMLET: They were going to kill me, Horatio. My caring uncle sent me to my death. I mean, I’d suspected – people don’t vanish in this business without turning up dead later – but I guess I’d hoped… I saw the note, I couldn’t just— I panicked. I was alone in the car, they’d all gone to get food, and I managed to get out of my restraints.
HORATIO: What did you do?
HAMLET: I rewrote the note. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern… Well.
HORATIO: Fuck, Hamlet…
HAMLET: I had no choice.
HORATIO: You had a choice.
HAMLET: …
HORATIO: …
HAMLET: I don’t know where I am now. I broke through the window and sprinted. I’m following a road though, it says there’s a town in 4.5 kilometres.
HORATIO: God…
HAMLET: I’m sorry you had to get involved in all this. I never wanted you to know about this part of my life, it’s— I know it’s bad.
HORATIO: I’m here, now. And I’m going to stay as long as you need me. Just… come back to me.
HAMLET: I will. I’m trying. I think I might have a concussion; I got hit a lot when they were trying to find Polonius.
HORATIO: Call an ambulance!
HAMLET: No, I need to get home. I need— My father—
HORATIO: I’ll send you money for a train ticket.
HAMLET: Thanks.
HORATIO: Any time.
HAMLET: Horatio, I— Thank you.
HORATIO: Just say the word, I’m here for you.
HAMLET: I know. I’m going to hang up now, to conserve battery.
HORATIO: Alright. Take care of yourself, please.
HAMLET: I’ll try. Bye, now.
HORATIO: Bye.
GUIL: Hey! Found him yet?
ROS: No, you?
GUIL: I think he’s vanished. Marcellus is refusing to give up the scent, though.
ROS: Yeah, Bernardo wandered off down the road. I don’t really want to follow him.
GUIL: Me neither.
ROS: Head back to the car? We still have all those snacks.
GUIL: Yeah, and Claudius said his letter was super important. Someone has to deliver it to Queen Liz, or they’ll both have fits.
ROS: That’s only a few hours drive there and back. We can text the muscle, tell them to keep searching while we deliver this letter and go on a little roadtrip.
GUIL: Friendship roadtrip! Excellent thinking, Rosencrantz!
ROS: Why thank you, Guildenstern.
GUIL: Do you think he’s okay?
ROS: Who?
GUIL: Hamlet!
ROS: Oh! What about him?
GUIL: He didn’t look great.
ROS: We’ve seen him get through worse. I’m sure he’ll be fine.
GUIL: I guess. Didn’t take him for a runner, honestly.
ROS: Did you know he and Ophelia did ballroom dance together?
GUIL: Yeah, cause you bring it up all the time. If you want to learn ballroom dance with me, you can just tell me, you know.
ROS: I wonder if Claudius would back the fee.
GUIL: He might, if we said it made us better… spies. No, I do think we’d be paying that one out of pocket, Ros.
ROS: I hope your YouTube career pays well.
GUIL: You know it does!
ROS: …
GUIL: …
ROS: Do you ever think about death?
GUIL: What is it with you and that question?
ROS: It’s just— it goes on forever. At some point, you die, and then you just stay that way. Dead. For eternity.
GUIL: Cheery.
ROS: Yeah. Sorry.
GUIL: …
ROS: ….
GUIL: Oh, wait, I see you!
ROS: Are you waving?
GUIL: Yeah.
ROS: I see you!
GUIL: Roadtrip time for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern! Messengers to the crime lords!
ROS: And lady!
GUIL: And lady!
ROS: Right, hanging up now.
HORATIO: Hey, Lotta.
LOTTA: Horatio? You sound miserable, what’s up?
HORATIO: Hamlet— Hamlet died. Last night.
LOTTA: Oh my god, Horatio! I’m so, so sorry.
HORATIO: It’s… it’s such a mess, Lotta.
LOTTA: What happened?
HORATIO: He was murdered. He— He killed two people. One of them was an accident, but… It’s just so… I was the only one left alive, the police won’t leave me alone.
LOTTA: Oh, Horatio. That’s so awful. Were you there?
HORATIO: I held him. As he died. He was so pale… I don’t think I’m ever going to get it out of my head, how he looked, dead in my arms. God, Lotta, it’s so unfair. It’s like I watched it all play out, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. There were so many plots, I just… I just watched as it all went to shit. Gertrude died, and I don’t— I’d never seen Hamlet look so angry.
LOTTA: God…
HORATIO: He said his dad taught him how to kill. I didn’t… It sounded so far-fetched. But he was so cold when he killed Claudius I— I’m sorry, I didn’t call just to break down on you.
LOTTA: No, don’t worry. I’m not busy, take all the time you need.
HORATIO: I just don’t want that to be how I remember him.
LOTTA: Don’t want what?
HORATIO: He was… heartless. He was so angry, he’d become someone I didn’t even recognise. Or, I did recognise him, and that made it so much worse. He’s not usually like that, but sometimes, when his family came up, I could see… I never liked it.
LOTTA: Yeah…
HORATIO: I wanted to tell him I love him— loved him. When he was dying. But it seemed like a waste. And now he’s— now he’s just gone. And I don’t know what to do.
LOTTA: I’m so sorry, Horatio. You never needed more loss in your life.
HORATIO: Just another ghost to be haunted by.
LOTTA: You said the police are there, are you a suspect?
HORATIO: I don’t think so. It’s pretty clear who killed who, in this mess.
LOTTA: …
HORATIO: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead, too. They told me right after…
LOTTA: God, Horatio.
HORATIO: Hamlet killed them too. I think I shouldn’t love him anymore, he killed four people. But I can’t… He’s dead. Oh, god, he’s actually dead.
LOTTA: Take your time.
HORATIO: I don’t think I’ll ever get over him. I don’t think I can.
LOTTA: I know it feels that way now, but I swear you will recover. Eventually.
HORATIO: I held him as he died, Lotta! I held him in my arms, and he had the gall to smile, and then he—
LOTTA: I’m so sorry.
HORATIO: I tried to… There was poison that his mum ended up drinking. I wanted to finish the glass, to follow Hamlet. I don’t think I actually wanted to die, it just felt like there was no other way. We were just in the dining room. Everyone— I felt like I couldn’t be the only one left.
LOTTA: I’m so glad you’re alive, Horatio.
HORATIO: Hamlet drank the last of it. The poison. As if he wasn’t poisoned enough, the asshole. He might’ve had a chance, he might’ve survived, and then he just drank more poison! To stop me.
LOTTA: It’s not your fault, you hear me? None of this has been your fault, you’ve been an excellent friend to him. I know it’s going to feel like you could’ve done something, but it was not your fault.
HORATIO: Yeah. Thanks.
LOTTA: Fuck, Horatio, I… I’m so sorry for your loss.
HORATIO: After the funeral, can I stay with you again? Just for a little while, I know you’ve got the kid on the way, but I… I don’t want to be alone right now. I don’t want to go back to our flat and see all his things and—
LOTTA: You’re always welcome to stay at my place. I have my bandmates over right now, but I can clear out the guest room for you.
HORATIO: Thank you so much. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.
LOTTA: Don’t you dare apologise. I take care of my family.
HORATIO: …
LOTTA: Horatio?
HORATIO: The police need me. I’ll… I’ll call you back later.
LOTTA: Of course. Sure.
HORATIO: Thank you, again.
LOTTA: Any time, Horatio. Take care of yourself.