Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Well? What did you get?”

“Tch—22nd place. You got 24th, so I beat you. That’s all that matters.”

“Your mom is going to beat you.”

“You’re in the same boat!”

“Hey look! Yoo Joonghyuk got first place again!”

“Second time in a row since he came here, no?”

“Mhm. Looks like Kim Dokja got second place.”

Yoo Joonghyuk’s gaze went from the papers stuck on the wall to the pair of eyes that stared at him.

Kim Dokja, his classmate. Second place.

His eyes were cold and empty and his straight-lined lip twitched. Yoo Joonghyuk could only imagine what Kim Dokja was thinking. And in a second, it was all replaced with a soft smile when a classmate walked up to him. He seemed sociable now.

But that was none of his concern.

Yoo Joonghyuk made it past the sea of his classmates that congested the hallway and entered his classroom. Surprisingly, no one had come in yet. However, everyone was checking out their ranking on the last test. It wasn’t interesting enough to linger over, was it?

He merely shrugged it off and took his seat. Third seat from the back, right next to the window. He put his bag down and pulled out his phone.

‘The sun is bright today…’

Despite the chill of the winter morning, the sweet apricity of the sun peaked through, bathing the classroom in light. It was inconvenient being right next to the window, but in time the light will shift. Hopefully, it was before class started.

Nonetheless, he opened his phone and turned it to the side. His game finally loaded and he started tapping away.

It didn’t take too long for Kim Dokja to trickle into the room. Just when he was starting to unwind he came in. Perfect.

He didn’t pay him any mind until he felt his stare on him, just like before. He didn’t want to acknowledge him. In due time he stopped and sat down.

Yoo Joonghyuk was grateful for the teacher. Sitting him across the room was the best thing that’s happened to him since he moved here.

Pages started flipping, causing him to secretly avert his gaze. Kim Dokja had pulled out the textbook for their first class and silently read.

‘Exams are over, what is he studying?’

His gaze lingered on the hunched-over Kim Dokja before returning to his game.

Yoo Joonghyuk was grateful lunch was finally here. Their last teacher’s lecture was boring and felt longer than it normally was. Other students yawned after the teacher left the room. Some had gotten up immediately to leave for lunch after the teacher shut the door behind them.

Kim Dokja of course, was still at his desk, looking over his notebook. He had a few highlighters and two colored pens, swapping out his utensils every now and then as he annotated the pages.

Some students lingered in the classroom, talking but occasionally glancing over Kim Dokja’s shoulder. Yoo Joonghyuk grabbed his bag and left for lunch. Before he had reached the door to leave he could hear their classmates talking.

“Dokja~ can I copy your notes? The lecture was just so boring, I pretty much fell asleep!”

“Can we borrow your notes too?”

“Same here. I really couldn’t follow the lecture.”

Yoo Joonghyuk knew they were bullshitting. He could pretty much see everything from his seat. A few students on their phones didn’t escape his eye.

But what did he care?

Yet, he hadn’t opened the door to leave.

“You guys can take a picture of my notes to copy if you want.” Kim Dokja replied, opening his notebook to the first page of his new set of notes. The students immediately took out their phones and mumbled thank yous before snapping photos.

Yoo Joonghyuk clicked his tongue and left the room, his classmates following suit soon after. It wasn’t his business, so he merely went to the school rooftop for lunch. No one to bother him there. And that he was right. It was desolate and warm up there. Only a gentle breeze cooled him down every now and then.

He took his seat against the wall of the rooftop entrance. Just on the far side, away from the actual door. It was just him, his lunch, and his phone.

‘I'll adjust the seasoning next time.’ He thought as he chewed on a piece of fried chicken. He was content but not quite satisfied with his cooking skills. There was always room for improvement, even if his family was overjoyed by his skills.

‘I should buy snacks for Mia on the way home—‘

Suddenly the door opened and closed, footsteps drifting away to the other side of the roof. Out of curiosity, Yoo Joonghyuk leaned forward to catch a glimpse of who it was.

His black-haired classmate who was on the shorter side, for their class at least, was leaning against the railing of the roof. He couldn’t see his face.

‘Tch, who cares.’

And then he went back to his food and phone, scrolling aimlessly as he ate. Before long, Kim Dokja left the rooftop and he followed soon after for class.

His keys dropped straight into the dirt. Before he even had a chance to pick it up, a white ball of fluff flashed past his feet and suddenly his keys were gone with a jingle.

“Hey!” He called to the cat.

The cat merely sat there with his keys in her mouth. Yoo Joonghyuk took a step forward and it took a step back. “Give me my keys back.”

The cat backed away and he got closer. Before he could rush at the cat, it sped off with his keys. Gripping the plastic bag from the convenience store in his right hand, he ran after it.

“Tch, out of all places?” He muttered as he looked past the half-rusted metal fence. An unofficial junkyard. A large one at that.

He sighed and crouched down to get through the shabby hole in the fence. He walked and walked, taking in his surroundings as he walked.

It didn’t really stink, but it didn’t smell good either. He was more surprised that it was more space than junk. The piles of debris seemed to start at the fence and piled inwards.

He saw the cat making its way on the path in front of him before taking a left. He grits his teeth and runs after it. Smoke wafted in the air to his dismay.

“What are these, Biyoo?” A familiar voice asked softly.

Kim Dokja sat on an old lawn chair in front of a pile of trinkets. He was leaned back, the first button of his shirt undone, and his tie pulled forward. His jacket rested on the back of his chair.

What caught his eye was the smoking cigarette between the index and middle fingers of his left hand. His right petted the white cat on his lap.

Kim Dokja pulled the keys from the cat’s mouth. “These aren’t from around here—“

“Those are mine.” Yoo Joonghyuk said, startling Kim Dokja.

Kim Dokja sat up immediately, causing the cat to jump out of his lap.

“Huh?”

Chapter Text

“Huh?”

Kim Dokja looked up at Yoo Joonghyuk. His cigarette wavered dangerously between his fingers before he fumbled to hold it between his fingers like a pencil. His eyes were slightly wide like he was almost surprised to find someone else here.

He pushed the hot, decaying side of the cigarette into his palm, snuffing it out. Yoo Joonghyuk winced at the sight, his eye cringing. To his surprise, Kim Dokja didn’t make a face or wince.

He threw the cigarette bud into a half-full tin can next to the chair. From what he could tell, it wasn’t his first time smoking. Far from it.

“Yoo Joonghyuk…,” he said as he got up. Kim Dokja’s face resembled a model student. A friendly smile and all. His bodily gestures were subtly formal while being casual. The kind of smart kid parents want their kids around.

Yet, his eyes were empty. It drew him in and started to consume him. Yoo Joonghyuk couldn’t help be shift where he stood and avert his eyes.

“Mm?” He replied.

“What brings you to a place like this?” He asked. The shorter male’s voice was playful. Not too friendly, not too monotone.

“My keys…you’re holding them…”

Kim Dokja looked at the pair of keys in his hands. “Oh, these are yours? I guess Biyoo must’ve stolen them from you.”

“Biyoo?”

“The cat.” Kim Dokja nodded his head towards the white cat that was grooming itself to the left of him.

“Your cat’s name is Biyoo?” Yoo Joonghyuk found it odd—a cat’s name being Biyoo. Though, he never really had a pet of his own to name. Who was he to judge?

“Biyoo isn’t mine. She’s more of a stray that lingers around me because I feed her.” He knelt next to Biyoo and petted her with a smile.

“I see.” Kim Dokja picked up the cat and plopped her into his lap. He didn’t let up on the petting. Instead, Biyoo rubbed her face into his palm, reciprocating his affection.

“Wanna try petting her?” He asked. His eyes were more humane than before. Kim Dokja’s smile was soft and inviting.

“It’s fine—“

“You sure?”

Yoo Joonghyuk thought for a second before inevitably crumbling to pet the cat. Biyoo hissed as soon as she saw Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand approaching, surprising the both of them.

“Woah—“ Kim Dokja immediately showered Biyoo with more pets in hopes of calming down the cat. “Sorry, I guess she doesn’t like pets from strangers.”

“It’s fine.” He cleared his throat awkwardly. “My keys?”

Kim Dokja’s wide smile reduced into a plain one. “Right, sorry. Here you go.” He held up the bundle of keys and dropped them in Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand.

“Thank you.” Yoo Joonghyuk said, shuffling through the keys with his thumb before putting it back into his pocket. He was about to turn to leave.

‘I should leave, but…’

He looked down at Kim Dokja. “What is this place exactly?”

Kim Dokja directed his attention to Yoo Joonghyuk. He didn’t answer right away. His face had turned into a blank slate. He couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

“An unofficial dump. This is the more ‘ghetto’ neighborhood…there’s a lot of illegal dumping from this area and even the middle-class area is just a couple of streets away. City doesn’t care. People dump belongings here. Big or small—when it no longer has a use, it ends up here.”

“I see.” Yoo Joonghyuk pondered for a second. “So why are you here?”

Kim Dokja fell silent again. His face changed to a more positive expression. Almost like he flipped a switch, becoming confident and charismatic. “Because people dump things but don’t linger. I guess it’s my hang-out spot. So do me a favor and don’t tell anyone.”

“Sure. I won’t tell anyone. Promise.”

“Thank you, Joonghyuk.”

He checked his watch. “Sorry, I need to be home soon. I’ll take my leave.”

“That’s fine. Goodbye.”

“See you later.” Yoo Joonghyuk waved him goodbye and left. He left the junkyard and walked a bit.

“My clothes…” he mumbled. He was around a ton of junk—and a smoker. He pinched his button-up and brought it close to his nose, inhaling. Yoo Joonghyuk sighed at the fact his clothes didn’t stink. It was faint but entirely unnoticeable unless someone got too close. The scent of the cigarette lingered. Surprisingly, he didn’t hate it, unlike any other time he had to breathe in second-hand smoke.

After a short walk, Yoo Joonghyuk finally made it home. It was a nice three-bedroom and two-bath home with a small backyard. A big upgrade from his family’s last place.

“Oppa, you’re home!” A tiny child shouted as soon as Yoo Joonghyuk entered the foyer. He quickly slipped off his shoes and placed them to the side.

“I’m home, Mia. I brought snacks.” He held up the white plastic bag of goodies and shook it as if they were dog treats. She lit up and ran up to him. He looked around their half-empty house.

“Where’s mom?”

“She said she had work and she’ll be back later.” Yoo Mia grabbed the bag of snacks from his hand and walked away. Yoo Joonghyuk trailed behind her.

‘And left Mia home without supervision….’

“I see. I guess I’m cooking dinner tonight.” Yoo Joonghyuk took off his jacket, throwing it onto the couch before rolling up the sleeves of his white button-up. Yoo Mia was too preoccupied with the bag of snacks to care.

“What do you want for dinner, Mia.” Yoo Joonghyuk asked.

“I don’t know.”

‘I don’t know. That helps a lot…’

He opted to check what they had in the fridge. Unsurprisingly, nothing. He sighed in defeat before rummaging through the little things left in the fridge.

‘I should’ve gone to the grocery store…’

He checked the carton of eggs for the expiration date, thankfully they were still good. After a couple of minutes, he scrapped up everything he could.

“Gimbap for dinner, Mia.” He said as he put on his apron, tying a neat bow in the back. Again, she didn’t hear him. Nonetheless, he still got to work.

“There’s little color…?” Yoo Mia pointed at the plated gimbap. She wasn’t wrong. It was filled with eggs, carrots, and cucumbers. It could’ve been worse, but it definitely wasn’t how he normally prepared it. It was mediocre to anything he’s made before. Pathetic.

“Sorry, I forgot to go to the store, please bear with it. If you don’t like it…just eat the chips I bought. Okay?” He tried to give her a reassuring smile. Tried. He wasn’t the best at reassurance or smiles, much less trying to combine the two to make someone feel better.

Yoo Mia knew that.

“N-no it’s okay Oppa I’ll eat it! See!” She ate a piece whole, chewing it vigorously before swallowing. She reached for another.

“Eat slowly, it’s not going anywhere.” Yoo Joonghyuk patted her head. Yoo Mia nodded before continuing to devour the plate of gimbap.

“I’m full,” she whined. Yoo Joonghyuk softly smiled, ruffling her hair.

“Good. Go take a bath and I’ll help you settle into bed, okay?”

She immediately went upstairs, leaving Yoo Joonghyuk with four bites of gimbap. His stomach growled like he was starving for three days.

He got up and went to the pantry cabinet, pulling out a cheap bowl of instant ramen. He cringed. It was a spicy one, something his mom would prefer.

It was the last one, so he sucked it up and made it, forcing the noodles down his throat with water, using the gimbap as a spice control.

And then he was face down on the table, defeated. “I really need to go grocery shopping,” he groaned, feeling his stomach burn up.

“Oppa I’m ready!” Yoo Mia had run down half the stairs to get him.

“Coming.” He got up and walked upstairs, picking up Yoo Mia before heading to her room. She giggled endlessly, even when Yoo Joonghyuk tucked her in she was laughing.

He had turned to leave but had stopped in his tracks. “When are mama and papa coming home?” Yoo Mia asked innocently.

‘I wish I knew.’

“Probably in the morning. So you should go to sleep so you can greet them tomorrow.”

That was enough to make Yoo Mia roll to the other side of the bed and doze off. He left the room, turning off the lights and shutting the door quietly. He retreated to the shower and eventually his bedroom.

Yoo Joonghyuk tosses and turns for a while before checking his clock.

‘Past midnight…’

Almost on cue, he heard the front door open and close. His parents. A few murmurs followed with laughter. The stairs creaked and everything went silent again when their bedroom door closed. Yoo Joonghyuk turned on his side.

Again.

And again.

At some point, his mind drifted to school. His ranking on the recent exam, his classmates, the lecture, the notes….Kim Dokja.

Kim Dokja, notes, stupid, weird, annoying, pushover, cat lover, smoker.

“An idiot…”

And then he stopped tossing and turning.

Chapter Text

“Thank you for the notes, Dokja. You’re the best!”

“Yeah, no problem.” Kim Dokja gave them a faint smile before turning back to his work. His pencil started moving and that was that.

Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t get it. Not one bit. It was obvious that their peers used Kim Dokja, all because he was smart, naive too maybe. That probably wasn’t it, something about him always feels cold and calculating no matter how humanly he presents himself.

It wasn’t just that. It was absolutely fucking useless for him to share his notes. The lower ranking students always took pictures of his notes and copied them down, never studying them, and effectively bombing their exam. Yet, Kim Dokja never asked why they wanted the notes in the first place.

God did that man tick him off. And everyone comparing them just added fuel to the fire. The who is smarter debates seemed to be never-ending, peaking during exams.

“Dokja, why are you studying so much? You effortlessly score high on the exams…,” a girl came and pouted. One of the girls gossiped and stuck herself into different situations to try and cure her boredom.

“I’m really not that smart…but I want to do my best and hopefully reclaim first place,” he said, not looking up from his notebook. There was something smug about his words.

‘That asshole.’

His classmates started to chatter amongst themselves. This time Kim Dokja had thrown wood into the fire himself.

“Joonghyuk, what do you think about that?” Another one of his classmates asked. He didn’t give a shit. All he had to do was study, take care of the house and Mia, and graduate and leave this goddamn—

“I’d like to see him try and get first place,” Yoo Joonghyuk said. His pride outweighed any of his fucks to give. Natural competitive nature. Besides, telling them he didn’t care for that stuff would make him seem like a wuss of sorts. Someone who wasn’t qualified to compete.

And suddenly any tension that had built up between the two had solidified. Kim Dokja, rival, and enemy to be beaten. Yoo Joonghyuk would sure beat him. Make him eat defeat.

Thus, tension in the classroom reached a new high. Students seemed to divide into two factions, of course, the subject matter being which smart they should follow. Kim Dokja, the diligent and approachable, also former first place, or Yoo Joonghyuk, the current first place had a resting bitch face and a matching personality.

Surprisingly it was split nearly equally, 49% of the class sided with Kim Dokja, and the other 51% sided with Yoo Joonghyuk. The teacher didn’t seem to care all that much either, it was just a new topic of gossip to share with their colleagues during their lunch break.

One week passed. Two more until exams. Kim Dokja and Yoo Joonghyuk paused close attention to their teachers’ lectures, compiling easy and digestible focused notes. To their classmates' surprise, Yoo Joonghyuk had neater handwriting despite his fast pace. Almost looked like each page was printed up.

Kim Dokja’s…wasn’t particularly bad. It was average, legible at least. Something about each line and shape of the letter suggested a shaky hand. But then again, what did Yoo Joonghyuk care? That was a win for him.

Physical education, dodgeball. Kim Dokja’s team versus Yoo Joonghyuk’s. Yoo Joonghyuk won. Another win for him.

Chemistry lab. Yoo Joonghyuk versus Kim Dokja. Their partners didn’t do much work and didn’t care much to do so. Kim Dokja completed his titration perfectly first. A win for Kim Dokja, a loss for him.

Art class, portraits, Kim Dokja’s partner sat quietly as he worked. Yoo Joonghyuk’s yapped with their friend beside them, effectively pissing him off. When it came time to present, Kim Dokja’s portrait was clearly more defined when it came to line thickness and shading. Another win for Kim Dokja, another loss for Yoo Joonghyuk.

Another week went by. One more week until exams. Class after class it seemed like they’d compete for something small and meaningless. For fuck sake at one point Yoo Joonghyuk was timing their errand runs, though Yoo Joonghyuk won that by two seconds.

They didn’t let up. Not once. That was until Kim Dokja stopped coming to class on Wednesday.

Chapter Text

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, no Kim Dokja. Not once. He was already missing out on a lot of material on Wednesday. Each day missed put him farther and farther behind. It’s not like Yoo Joonghyuk minded. Didn’t care one bit. That meant he would be unprepared for the exams to come, hence an inevitable win for him.

No, that didn’t feel right. It would be a cheap win. A stupid default win because someone didn’t show up to class. If he’s going to win, he would rather it be a challenge. A fair win. Something that’ll really get under Kim Dokja’s skin.

“Tch…” Yoo Joonghyuk gripped the plastic bags tighter than before, nails digging into his palm. He kept walking and walking. He finally had proper groceries to make a decent dinner and he was gonna go all out.

That was until he approached a familiar busted-up and rusted fence. He was on his way home. Stuff to do, and people to take care of, yet, it didn’t seem to matter at the moment.

Yoo Joonghyuk ended up slipping through the hole in the fence once again, mindful of the plastic bags to not rip them.

And there he was, the fucking bastard that was always on his mind. Laid back and puffing out a cloud of smoke lazily. He accidentally stepped on broken glass, the loud crunch under his foot alerting Kim Dokja. His head turned to look at him. His eyes widened when they landed on Yoo Joonghyuk.

“J-Joonghyuk, what are you doing here?” He asked with a friendly and inviting voice, trying to mask the surprise he was feeling.

“I felt like I’d find you here. You haven’t been in class for a few days, but it’s nice to know you were just skipping—didn’t know you were lazy like that.” Yoo Joonghyuk wanted to egg him on. It was like Kim Dokja was taking him as a joke, declaring him as a rival then not taking his studies seriously at all.

“I’m not lazy I just—“ he cut himself off, calming himself down before speaking. “I just had some issues is all…”

“Clearly,” Yoo Joonghyuk said bluntly. It was obvious that Kim Dokja had smoked a few cigs today alone.

Kim Dokja rolled his eyes and his stomach growled. It was one thing for a person’s stomach to growl, but it was another when their stomach was empty. When was the last time he ate? For fucks sake he could probably hear his stomach from six feet away! But that was none of his business.

“Anyway, what’s your number?” Yoo Joonghyuk took out his phone and opened his contacts app. Kim Dokja paused, moving his arm down to rest on his chair.

“Why do you need my number? Planning to ask me out?” He joked.

“You missed out on a lot of notes. As your kind, and coincidentally first-ranked classmate, I should send you the lecture notes you missed. Right?” Yoo Joonghyuk’s lip curved into a sneaky smile.

“I don’t need them—“

“I didn’t ask, just give me your number—you know no one takes better notes than me.”

“Whatever.” Kim Dokja grabbed his phone and punched his number into it before immediately handing it back.

“Thanks.”

“Whatever…” Kim Dokja groaned. Yoo Joonghyuk rolled his eyes and looked back at him. It was the first time he noticed Kim Dokja’s gaunt appearance. He was thin, no wonder why he was awful at sports, he looked sick. Had he always looked like this?

“—something else?”

“Hm?”

“I said did you need something else? Why are you staring at me like that?” Kim Dokja brought his cigarette close to his lips, taking a deep puff.

“…you hungry?” Kim Dokja cocked an eyebrow and looked at him like he was stupid.

“I’m not.”

“Your stomach says otherwise, hm?” Yoo Joonghyuk was purposely trying to piss him off. He didn’t know what he would say had the conversation gone serious and quiet. Better to stick to what he knows best.

“I’m not hungry.” Kim Dokja insisted. Yoo Joonghyuk scowled before ripping the cigarette between Kim Dokja’s fingers from him.

“Hey—!” Yoo Joonghyuk put it out on the armrest of the chair and threw it into the pile with the rest of the ashen buds.

“Cigarettes are a known appetite suppressant. You should stop smoking them.”

“I thought you were smart. Isn’t it common knowledge that they’re addictive?”

“Just follow me.”

“No—why would I do that?”

“Because I said so—“

“No!”

Kim Dokja didn’t know why he had followed him back to his house. Yoo Joonghyuk opened the door and invited him inside. Yoo Joonghyuk reached for an aerosol can, aiming it at Kim Dokja. He waved it around his shirt before hitting the back of his jacket.

“Did you invite me in here to just gas me—!”

“I’m using Febreeze. My little sister is home and I don’t want her smelling the cigarette stench.”

Kim Dokja quiet down. “I see. Thank you for inviting me in…”

“Sit.” Yoo Joonghyuk turned to drop the bag of groceries on the kitchen counter and shuffled through them. Kim Dokja obediently sat on a stool, arms resting on the kitchen island.

Yoo Joonghyuk disappeared upstairs and came back with his backpack. He sighed through it and pulled out a few notebooks, flipping through the pages before finally setting them down in front of Kim Dokja.

“You should take pictures of my notes while you’re here.” Kim Dokja gave him an annoyed look but didn’t protest. He pulled out his phone and started taking the pictures, combing over the information on the pages before turning over to the next one.

In approximately 30 minutes or so there was a bowl of japchae in front of Kim Dokja. He looked up from the notes, eyeing Yoo Joonghyuk.

“You brought me to your house to feed me?”

“Your stomach was growling so loud it was pitiful.”

“I’m not even hungry—“

“Cigarettes are an appetite suppressor, it’s obvious why you don’t feel hungry despite your stomach whining for food.” Yoo Joonghyuk set down chopsticks on top of the bowl he put the japchae in before opening the cabinet for a glass.

“There isn’t always something good to eat, so what’s the point?” Kim Dokja took the chopsticks and started digging into the japchae. After the first bite, he stopped talking and didn’t move to take another bite.

Yoo Joonghyuk noticed when he set the glass of water down. “Something wrong?”

Kim Dokja hesitated to speak. “N-no, it’s just—it tastes good,” his voice was softer than normal.

Yoo Joonghyuk initially wasn’t going to invite him in and cook for him. But his sickly appearance happened to remind him of a time from when he was younger. Maybe ten years old or so, when his parents were busy working day and night. No time to care for Yoo Joonghyuk. He starved for two days before he took it into his own hands to cook for himself, though that first meal was only mildly burnt eggs and rice.

Maybe he did it to heal a past wound. Maybe it was to be kind. He didn’t care. For some reason, the Kim Dokja sitting in his home and eating his food wasn’t ‘Kim Dokja the Rival’ but rather a person his own age with a mysterious background and unknown struggles.

Maybe he did this on a whim. But once he leaves, they’ll be rivals again. He won’t give a flying fuck about Kim Dokja after he leaves because the next time he acknowledges him, it’ll be because he outdid him in their exams.

“Thanks for the meal…and the notes, Joonghyuk.” Kim Dokja was more aloof and docile now.

“Yeah, no problem.”

And just like that Kim Dokja left his house. Friend to foe once more.

“Argh!” One one the students yelled. “I lost the bet—dammit—“

“You only bet a small amount, barely anything compared to everyone else,” the other classmate responded.

“I should’ve bet on Joonghyuk, damn I really thought Dokja had it in the bag this time….”

Yoo Joonghyuk was satisfied. It was only a 2-point difference on most of their exams, yet those 2 points put them in completely different positions. Yoo Joonghyuk was the winner and Kim Dokja was the loser.

His gaze drifted from the posted scores to Kim Dokja. His expression was terrifying to some degree. It was blank. Like no one was home. He noticed his clenched fist and white knuckles. A little blood seeped from between his fingers.

Kim Dokja’s attitude changed when his supporters came over. His expression went from dull to a silly guilt expression. Softened eyebrows, awkward smile, scratched the back of his head a bit as he apologized for not doing well enough. His fist stayed in his pocket.

‘I didn’t think it was that serious…’

He wanted to approach him but their classmates crowded the hall. Yoo Joonghyuk will talk to him another day, he’ll end up finding him somewhere. He always does.

Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t expect that somewhere to be in the bathroom with Kim Dokja hunched over a toilet. Bright red bile filled the toilet bowl. He looked a little pale and sweaty. That explains why Kim Dokja actually went to the bathroom during their break for once.

“Are you okay…?”

“What do you think?”

Chapter Text

“Are you okay?”

“What do you think?”

Kim Dokja put his head down as he heaved. A little bit of blood marked his lips, contrasting the newfound paleness of his skin.

“I’ll get the nurse—“

Kim Dokja grabbed him by the sleeve and yanked him back, surprisingly with a lot of force for someone who looked like he was dying. “Don’t, I’m fine.” He said firmly.

“You’re clearly not fucking fine.“ Yoo Joonghyuk stared into the toilet bowl. Now looking at it, it was a darker shade of red, not from the amount of blood. It smelled putrid and acidic. Had that burning feeling in the nostrils, like alcohol.

“Just—“ Kim Dokja was choking up. “Probably a busted blood vessel—I’m fine. Blood irritates the stomach—probably why I threw up. I’m fine, see?” He put a hand over his mouth as if it would dissipate the nausea. His wrist was bruised a deep plum shade with red and green fading into the rest of his skin.

Yoo Joonghyuk grabbed his wrist. “Who did this to you?”

“Fuck!” Kim Dokja pulled away immediately. “That hurts.” He rubbed his wrist before pulling his sleeve down further. He flushed the toilet and got up, stumbling back a bit. Yoo Joonghyuk helped him stay up, and Kim Dokja brushed him off. “Tch, why are you even here? To brag? If you’re gonna brag can you get it done and over with.”

“Why are you so damn pissy right now, Dokja? I’m just trying to help you. Exams aren’t that serious for crying out loud. Besides, I won fair and square, so what if I brag?” Yoo Joonghyuk really wanted to sock him in the face. Retribution for the needless worry over him.

Kim Dokja was only further upset, angry even. It was a complicated look, and for some reason, it didn’t feel like it was completely directed at him. “I know you won fair and square! I know that….” He coughed a bit before turning to leave in haste.

“What, going to run away now?” Yoo Joonghyuk mocked. Kim Dokja gritted his teeth and put his head down when he left.

Yoo Joonghyuk was left to process it all. He was irritated, that was for sure. But, that’s not how things were supposed to go. Not at all. He was supposed to come and see how Kim Dokja was doing—he was vomiting blood and what’d he do? Yell at him.

His eyebrows knit together and he just sighed. It was all a mess. A huge fucking mess. What was he supposed to do? Chase after him? Like he’d know where the fuck to find a classmate he barely knows personally —especially when said classmate probably doesn’t want to be found. Found by him at least. Who would he even report the blood thing to? If Kim Dokja told a teacher he was fine the teacher would probably take his word for it.

So, he left Kim Dokja alone. It irritated Yoo Joonghyuk just a bit, that he was doing exactly what Kim Dokja wanted.

‘Why should I care? He’s not even my friend—worse he’s basically my enemy at this point.’

That’s what Yoo Joonghyuk thought. Yet he always found a way to give one too many fucks to give. Always.

He didn’t want to care about Yoo Mia. She was the younger sibling who got what he couldn’t get from his parents: love and attention. Favoritism even. Yet the moment they weren’t as interested in her, he found himself caring more and more about her in their place.

And it was happening all over again! With a classmate that he barely talks to and probably hates in return. But not this time, Yoo Joonghyuk wouldn’t cave. If Kim Dokja chose to keep whatever internal bleeding he was experiencing going, that was his choice. If anything, the pain would keep him quiet. Good, he could pretend he doesn’t exist and everything would be fine.

He’s really an idiot.

So much for saying he wouldn’t give a fuck. He really shouldn’t, but it was alarming to see the Kim Dokja running late to class. Lunch had ended at least 10 minutes ago. If anything, Kim Dokja should’ve been the first one in the classroom.

Yoo Joonghyuk got excused to use the bathroom to roam around the halls looking for him. Maybe he was in the bathroom like he was earlier? If not, perhaps the roof? He usually saw him there during lunch.

He opened the door to the boys' bathroom and started trying to push the doors open.

“Dokja?” He called. Maybe he shouldn’t have, Kim Dokja seemed to have an issue with him seeking him out. If he had such a problem he should’ve gone to class.

One cracked open door slowly opened with an annoying hinge creak, and there he was. Kim Dokja was slumped against the wall paled skin. It looked like he had thrown up some more, though the toilet bowl wasn’t really red like last time.

He crouched to tap Kim Dokja. “Get up, you’re late for class.” He didn’t get up. Yoo Joonghyuk leaned over to see his face.

He was passed out. Kim Dokja’s lips were chapped, skin was pale, and his face looked sickly too. Yoo Joonghyuk pressed his hand to his forehead.

“He’s a bit warm…”

Yoo Joonghyuk sided before hoisting him into his back, folding his arms in front of his neck to try to prevent him from falling off. He made his way to the nurse's office.

Luckily everyone else was in class, there was no one to start a commotion. Yoo Joonghyuk opened the door to the nurse's office.

He was a little surprised to see the nurse in the room. He assumed she would still be on her lunch break in the staff lounge. She turned her chair, white hair falling over her shoulder. Nurse Seolhwa’s eyes widened momentarily.

She got up and walked towards the two. “What happened?”

“I think he’s been sick. He was throwing up earlier and I just found him passed out in the bathroom…”

Nurse Seolhwa thought for a second. “Put him on that bed over there, I’ll call your teacher and let him know. Did you want to stay here with him, Joonghyuk?”

She had a faint red smile on her face. Her red lipstick was a signature look. Yoo Joonghyuk had gotten to know her over the year. She was one of the few staff members that sincerely cared about students.

“…I’ll stay,” he muttered.

“I’ll let your teacher know, you can pick up your things later.” Nurse Seolhwa moved over to Kim Dokja with a thermometer in hand. It was one of those fancy types you put in your ear. She put on a new plastic covering and checked his temperature.

“He’s a little feverish, but it seems whatever it is is about to finish running its course. He must’ve been sick for one or two days already.”

Yoo Joonghyuk had thought back to Friday. Kim Dokja was looking pale and acting a little bit off, but he just shrugged it off since it was after exams. Everyone got their scores over the weekend, though no one knew who ranked the highest until today. Maybe the stress from that worsened his illness.

“I’ll get him some nausea medication. If he wakes up give him some water, you know where it is—“

“Nurse Seolhwa…,” Yoo Joonghyuk called. His tone was a little different.

“Hm? What is it Joonghyuk?”

“There’s actually—I mean there’s also a bruise on his hand. I was wondering if you could treat it.”

She walked over to Kim Dokja and rolled up his sleeve to see the bruise. Its deep color remained from earlier. If anything the lighting revealed just how back it is. Her face twitched before returning to its naturally calm state.

“It’s a nasty bruise. I’ll get some ice for it, stay with him please,” was all she said before she walked off. Yoo Joonghyuk sat next the the bed with a water bottle in hand.

Eventually, Nurse Seolhwa returned. She wrapped up the bruise before putting an ice pack on it. She checked his temperature again.

“I have a staff meeting to go to, I alerted his guardian that he was ill and needed to go home, so they should be here soon. So will you be okay staying with him until then?”

Yoo Joonghyuk looked back at the sleeping Kim Dokja. He looked so peaceful. Much better than the annoying awake version of him.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Thank you Nurse Seolhwa.” Yoo Joonghyuk gave her a little bow before she ruffled his hair. She picked up her bag and turned back to them before she left the room.

“Oh, your bags are on the bed over there. If anything happens alert a staff member nearby, got it?”

“Mm.” Yoo Joonghyuk hummed before she left.

Now he was stuck with an ill and unconscious Kim Dokja. He was skipping class. It was an odd day—odd because he was doing odd things. Skipping class, helping another student he doesn’t really like, he isn’t even studying even though he has ample time to do so—god he’s even waiting for his guardian to come pick him up!

He let out a heavy sigh. Yoo Joonghyuk sat back down and laid back in the chair. He closed his eyes.

He swore it was only for a few minutes, 5 at best. But when he woke up school was about to end, and surprisingly, Kim Dokja was awake.

“Morning?” Yoo Joonghyuk said.

“The hell happened…,” Kim Dokja shut his eyes tightly and clutched his head. Seemed like he was experiencing a headache.

“You passed out, so much for being fine.”

“Tch.” Kim Dokja clicked his tongue and sighed. He groaned a bit too. “I need a smoke.”

“You’re a damn addict, no wonder why you got sick.”

“Shut the hell up, you don’t know shit.” Kim Dokja had raised his voice a bit.

“Y’know, you’re always so rude to me and only me. So fucking fake to everyone else—what puts me aside from the others that you can’t even pretend to be nice to me?”

“Now why the fuck—“

The door had opened. A man, maybe Yoo Joonghyuk’s height, or a tad bit taller, strolled into the room. Broad shoulders, not exactly pale nor tan skin, somewhere in the middle, pitch black hair, he wore a suit too.

Face uncomfortably similar to a certain person he knew.

And all the tension between them disappeared only to be replaced with a sickening pressure. A slight chill ran up his spine. The man looked relaxed, maybe the line of his lips was raised a bit—like a faint smile.

“Dokja, if you were sick, you could’ve stayed home.”

Kim Dokja looked more sick and uncomfortable than when he initially brought him into the nurse's office.

“I didn’t want to get behind in my classes…”

“That’s good. But the school day is essentially over, we should go home, no?”

“Y-yeah—“

“Oh, who’s this?” Kim Dokja’s father finally acknowledged him. His eyes were more sharp than Kim Dokja’s. The tone that laced his voice made Yoo Joonghyuk raise his thick eyebrows.

“I am Yoo Joonghyuk.”

“He’s my class—“

“Joonghyuk? You’re first in the class, right? Impressive—I wish Dokja would study just as hard as you…”

He gulped. Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t feel comfortable talking to this man anymore. He wasn’t sure if it was the way he spoke or the way he was clenching his fists but he needed to get the fuck out of here.

Suddenly his phone buzzed. Text from his mom.

Mom

Your father and I will be home late. Put Mia to bed before 10pm, I left some money on the table for dinner.

Okay.

No ‘hi’ or ‘hey son’ but he couldn’t help but be grateful.

“Sorry, my mom just texted me, I need to get home. It was a pleasure..to meet you Mr. Kim.” Yoo Joonghyuk forced a smile.

“It was nice to meet you too.” Kim Dokja’s father looked away from him and to Kim Dokja. Yoo Joonghyuk had gotten out of his seat and grabbed his bag.

It was only when he turned to leave that he saw Kim Dokja’s face.

Expressionless.

Chapter Text

The next day he didn’t talk to Kim Dokja, and Kim Dokja didn’t approach him either. They snuck glances at one another, like how it was when Yoo Joonghyuk first transferred. Although they didn’t directly talk to one another, Yoo Joonghyuk couldn’t help but observe Kim Dokja. Somehow he was always doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing or injured.

It was barely noticeable, but there was a sway in his walk or however, you would describe the strange way of walking. It wasn’t how he normally walked. Kim Dokja was usually straight to the point but now there were extra muscle movements.

Yoo Joonghyuk sighed. They stopped interacting with one another—it was finally time to put himself first. To stop focusing on the fully nonsensical Kim Dokja. Thus, Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t look at him for the rest of the day.

It was a slow day. The winter crept in the last few weeks, making the sun set earlier. When he finally left the school the sky had started turning orange and the clouds that filled the sky were lined with a coral pink. The wind was picking up too.

Yoo Joonghyuk readjusted his black scarf, burying his face into it. He never particularly liked the winter months. It was too dreary and it reminded him of the long period of time in which his parents were never home—more so that they didn’t pay the electricity bill, leaving him without heat, than his parents not being home.

‘Dokja didn’t bring a thick coat or a scarf with him—‘

His train of thought stopped. He wasn’t supposed to be thinking of him of all people. It was his chance to finally break away from him and return to do his own thing.

Unfortunately for him, he was too wrapped up with that stupid smoker. Something about Kim Dokja was terribly intoxicating. He always wanted to quit, yet he came right back to him.

Thus, he was in front of that damned broken and rusty fence. Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t waste time and went in immediately. Every time he came, Kim Dokja was here. So, would he be here again?

Yoo Joonghyuk’s feet followed the vaguely familiar path. He ended up right where he wanted to be. To his surprise, there were many, many empty soju bottles.

He looked up to see a wobbly Kim Dokja walking back with empty bottles in his hand.

“Joonghyuk?” Kim Dokja asked. Confusion and annoyance laced his voice.

“For fucks sake, are you drunk? I can’t believe you would turn to alcohol—are you trying to ruin your lungs and liver?”

The sudden crash of a bottle at his foot startled him.

“Can you shut the fuck up? I’m not drunk and I would never touch that shit! God, why are you even here?”

Yoo Joonghyuk went silent momentarily. “I got a little worried, you were walking funny today.”

It was a brilliant excuse. At least he wouldn’t come across as weird. Showing up for no reason at all would probably set Kim Dokja off more.

“I’m not fragile, y’know.”

“Yet you’re always injured. You may not break, but you bruise and bleed.” Yoo Joonghyuk walked closer to Kim Dokja.

“Tch, you should mind your own business.”

“I should’ve, but now I’m here. So why do you have so many empty soju bottles?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked.

“Cash. I’m collecting the bottles so I can go to a recycling center and get some cash.” Kim Dokja moved the bottles into a plastic trash bag one by one.

Kim Dokja’s dad seemed to be a businessman of sorts and it didn’t exactly seem like they were struggling financially. His dad couldn’t spare a couple of won for his son?

“Your parents don’t give you any type of pocket money?”

“Not enough for cigarettes.”

“Addict,” Yoo Joonghyuk responded.

“Stalker.”

“I’m not a stalker?” Yoo Joonghyuk was almost offended by the sudden accusation.

“You followed me all that way over here a few times—hell you even found me at school when I snuck away.” Kim Dokja spat as he tied up the trash bag. “So you gonna follow me all the way to the recycling center?”

Yoo Joonghyuk pondered for a moment. It was chilly outside and he wanted to go home, but his parents were home. For him, it didn’t matter if they were home or not, the treatment and indifference were the same. But, if they were home, then he didn’t need to take care of Yoo Mia.

“Sure, I’ll stalk you all the way to the recycling center.”

His answer seemed to irritate Kim Dokja further.

“Whatever,” he mumbled. He picked up the bag and put it over his shoulder. “If you’re tagging along, can you at least carry my school bag?”

“…fine.” Yoo Joonghyuk grabbed the bag next to the old chair. He put it over his shoulder along with his own. “Hey, what happened to the cat?”

“Hm? Biyoo is in and out of this place. She came earlier today though. Now enough yapping and start moving, the recycling center is about two streets away.”

And thus, they started walking. They periodically stopped, mostly so Kim Dokja could catch his breath. Now Yoo Joonghyuk was looking closely at him, it was obvious that he was a bit too skinny for a 17-year-old like himself. He had little muscle and poor stamina, no wonder why Kim Dokja could never surpass him in gym class.

By the time they turned in the bottles the sun had disappeared, leaving them with the night sky and the little hints of orange. It was like a dying flame in a dark room. The moment that last bit of light went out, it’d be completely dark. Unfortunately for them, the wind only picked up making the night freezing.

“How much did you get?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked. He slipped Kim Dokja’s bag off his shoulder and handed it to him.

“Enough for a pack of cigarettes.” He took his bag, placing the cash into the small side pocket. Kim Dokja threw his bag over his shoulder before he turned. “I’ll see you around, Joonghyuk.”

“Hey, Dokja—“

“What, what is it this time?” Kim Dokja rolled his eyes. He acted sick and tired of Yoo Joonghyuk every time he opened his mouth yet he always heard him out.

“Do you want to come over to my place?”

“Why would I do that?”

“You’re going back to the junkyard. At least my place is heated. It’s also supposed to rain later.”

“How kind, but I’ll take my chances. Goodbye.” He ran off, leaving Yoo Joonghyuk alone.

His walk home wasn’t any different from usual. He was alone, with no one to talk to, and quiet. The only difference was it was dark out, though the city lights and pollution of Seoul kept it from getting pitch black.

He looked up. The dark clouds coated the sky. No stars to be seen. It’s not like he would’ve seen many anyway, polluted cities have the least visibility for stargazing. He merely sighed and kept walking.

When Yoo Joonghyuk reached his house, he was met with an empty and dark home. He turned on the kitchen lights and read the note on the table.

Your father and I took Mia out to eat for dinner, we’ll be back soon.

- Mom

He crumpled the note and threw it into the garbage can. It wasn’t their first time doing this, definitely wouldn’t be the last either. Each time it would get worse. His parents would call him, then it would be a text, now notes. It wouldn’t even be surprising if they just stopped telling him altogether.

Yoo Joonghyuk made his way upstairs. He quickly put his bag down and took a shower, drying his hair with a towel before exiting.

He shuffled through the cabinets for something simple to eat, that was until the doorbell rang. Yoo Joonghyuk sighed. His family left him to go eat dinner—left him home alone, now he had to open the door to see who the fuck was outside and feel the wind blow right at him.

Nonetheless, he still opened the door. Maybe it was a late package?

“You look like a wet rat.”

“I’ll leave…,” Kim Dokja muttered.

“I’m joking, come inside.” Yoo Joonghyuk moved to make way for him. The soaked Kim Dokja stood in the foyer like a mannequin. His clothes stuck to his skin and his hair dripped. The rain got him good.

“I’ll get you a towel…” Yoo Joonghyuk came back from the bathroom and handed him a clean white towel. Kim Dokja unraveled and started drying his hair.

“How long were you outside for?”

“Doesn’t matter…it was just cold and—and you said your house was heated.”

“Yeah, I did.” Yoo Joonghyuk went back to ransacking the cabinets. His eyes landed on the buldak stashed in the back. “Do you want to have dinner with me?”

“Hm? It’s fine I—“

“I’ll just make one for you.”

“No I’m fine, I’m not even hungry.”

“Cigarettes suppress one’s appetite.“ Yoo Joonghyuk argued.

“Why’d you even ask?”

“To make it seem like you had a choice.”

“Whatever.” Kim Dokja placed his bag and jacket at the door before folding up the towel. He placed it on the stool before sitting down. He leaned in and rested his arms on the kitchen island.

Before he knew it the noodles were ready. Yoo Joonghyuk carefully cut the sauce packets. “How spicy do you like yours?”

“Spicy, but nothing crazy.”

Yoo Joonghyuk hummed. He put about three-fourths of the packet into Kim Dokja’s noodles. He turned to put less than half in his own.

“What’s the point of eating spicy buldak if you’re not going to make it spicy?” Kim Dokja cocked an eyebrow.

“I don’t like spicy foods all that much. It’s annoying and gets in the way of the flavor of the food. But, my mom likes spicy foods so this is the only thing we have right now, and unfortunately, the thing that makes buldak taste good is the spice.”

“Hm, so you just have a low spicy tolerance,” Kim Dokja said. He seemed to be amused by his new findings.

“I don’t.”

“But that’s exactly what a person who can’t hold their spice would say.”

“Just eat the fucking noodles.”

Kim Dokja snickered. “Thank you for the meal.”

“Whatever.”

They ate in silence. It was weird, the last time Yoo Joonghyuk brought him in to eat as a way to keep his competitor in the game, now he was interested in Kim Dokja passed all of that.

Intoxicatingly interesting yet annoying at times. Get too close and he’ll hiss like a cat. Feed him he gets docile. He’ll still give attitude despite that. Kim Dokja was much like a cat in that way.

He’s studying most of the time. He interacts with their classmates with a smile but he doesn’t like them all that much. Kim Dokja is a people pleaser but doesn’t even like the people he’s pleasing.

He smokes cigarettes and doesn’t hesitate to put them out with his bare hands but won’t touch alcohol. The smoker spends time more at a dirty junkyard than at home.

His clothes are thin and frankly worn out. Kim Dokja doesn’t eat nor does he have enough money to buy cigarettes. Most times he’s injured in some shape or form. His dad—

His dad.

Yoo Joonghyuk ate his noodles with a silent mind.

Chapter Text

Kim Dokja was really like a cat in a lot of ways. Initially, it was just a silly comparison. Oh but did it describe him well. He was more of a stray cat, if anything. Put out food and stay really still, the cat will come to you, but if you go in to pet it? It might back away.

Yoo Joonghyuk thought that sharing a nighttime outing made them a little closer. He helped him every now and then with Kim Dokja’s own stupid problems. They even ate together at his house!

But now? It seems like he was at square one again, but this time Kim Dokja wasn’t much of a rival. Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t know what he was, but he definitely wasn’t a person to best. Not like Kim Dokja could outdo him anyway. He was someone he wanted to talk to at the very least, be acquainted with. He kept inching closer yet Kim Dokja would take a mile step to get away.

When Yoo Joonghyuk walked into the classroom, he saw Kim Dokja sitting in his assigned seat, their classmates paying no mind to him. Typical, he only mattered when they needed him for class. He was studying alone.

Yoo Joonghyuk set his bag down at his seat by the window before sitting down. He’ll catch him right when class ends, there was no rush. Besides if their classmates notice him walking up to talk to Kim Dokja, they would probably jump into the conversation like the nuisances they are.

He took his phone out, turning it sideways as his game loaded. In the meanwhile, Yoo Joonghyuk watched Kim Dokja. His face looked as neutral as it was going to get. It bordered both upset and fine. Then his eyes drifted down.

First from his face to his neck. There was surprisingly a lot of length around the middle of his neck that he hadn’t noticed before. Then his gaze dropped to his shoulder and worked all the way to his hands.

Kim Dokja’s hand trembled as he wrote. Yoo Joonghyuk thought it wasn’t particularly cold in the classroom and it seemed like their classmates were on the same boat. No one was complaining about the cold like they normally would. Especially when it just started to get cold and the school refused to turn on the heater until it was freezing outside.

Nonetheless, Kim Dokja’s hand jittered as he scribbled in his notebook. Kim Dokja let out a sigh and that’s when Yoo Joonghyuk finally decided to go back to his game. He wasn’t going to get answers by just staring at him.

Their teacher strolled in and began the lesson. Of course, only half of the class was paying attention. Before he knew it, the class was finally over.

And before he could even get up to talk to Kim Dokja, a few students swarmed him.

“Ah—that lecture was so hard to follow! Did you understand it, Dokja?”

“It was, I was especially confused around the last part. Did you take notes for it?”

Kim Dokja’s tired face contorted into a smile. “I did take notes. I don’t know if they’re good enough. Do you want to borrow them?”

His classmates looked ecstatic to receive the offer. “Oh, would you? You’re the best Dokja!”

And just like that the next class started.

It wasn’t until lunch that they stopped bothering Kim Dokja. Unsurprising, really. Bothered him for notes and help but when it came to lunch, they all left him alone.

Worked in his favor anyway. Kim Dokja left the classroom and went up to the roof. Yoo Joonghyuk trailed after him. When they got up to the roof, they were hit with cold air immediately. It was only warm because the sun was still shining.

Kim Dokja didn’t even notice Yoo Joonghyuk on his ass until he was right behind him.

“Woah, when the hell were you following me?!”

Yoo Joonghyuk looked at Kim Dokja’s face closely as he spoke. His eye bags had gotten darker.

“If you didn’t notice me the whole way then you don’t watch your surroundings at all.”

“Whatever,” Kim Dokja mumbled. “What do you want?”

Yoo Joonghyuk’s eye twitched. Kim Dokja was treating him as a nuisance once more but he wasn’t going to stand for it. Wasn’t going to go away because Kim Dokja felt mildly annoyed by his presence.

“Your hands are trembling.”

“No, they aren’t.”

“Then why are they in your pocket?”

“Because I’m cold? Joonghyuk what are you getting at—“

“Then take them out of your pocket.”

“No, I just told you—hey!” Kim Dokja yelled.

Yoo Joonghyuk got fed up with his shenanigans and pulled his hand out of his pocket himself.

“Hand not trembling, huh?” Yoo Joonghyuk said in a slightly smug tone.

“Why does it even matter to you?”

“If you’re sick, you can go see Nurse Seolhwa—“

“I’m not sick!”

Yoo Joonghyuk only rolled his eyes at his outburst. Yoo Joonghyuk held his trembling hand firmly as Kim Dokja tried to slip away.

The wind had gotten stronger and clouds started to roll in slowly, decorating the once-clear sky.

“Seriously—I just…didn’t sleep that much. My hands start shaking if I lack sleep and consume too much caffeine.”

For once, Kim Dokja spewed honesty.

Yoo Joonghyuk let go of his hand. “You should sleep more.”

“Easy for you to say, you probably average 8 hours at the very least,” Kim Dokja retorted.

“And how many hours of sleep do you average?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked.

“About 5 to 6 hours. Today I think I got 2 or 3?” Kim Dokja thought back a little. He went to sleep around 4 am and woke up around 7 am to get ready for class.

“Are you trying to kill yourself? Don’t you know you should try to get 8 to 10 hours of sleep?”

Kim Dokja scoffed. “I didn’t expect you to read and believe those kinds of studies, Joonghyuk.” Silence followed momentarily as Kim Dokja spoke again. “You’re in a position where you can sleep that much.”

“And you’re not? Do tell Dokja, what keeps you awake?”

Kim Dokja glared at him. He wasn’t sure if Yoo Joonghyuk was mocking him or providing fake sympathy but he didn’t like it.

Before Kim Dokja could answer cold water was basically dumped on him. It had started raining—and it was raining hard.

“Shit it didn’t say it was going to rain today—“ Yoo Joonghyuk muttered.

“Dammit!” Kim Dokja booked it for the stairs, Yoo Joonghyuk following close.

Kim Dokja almost slipped into the stairwell as he ran. He was pulled back by Yoo Joonghyuk.

“T-thanks.”

Yoo Joonghyuk replied with a hum before sighing.

Perfect, wet school clothes when there are still hours before the day ends. Thankfully for Yoo Joonghyuk, his gym clothes were still in his bag.

“I’m gonna get changed before lunch ends,” he muttered.

“Okay.” That was all Kim Dokja said before Yoo Joonghyuk left.

He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and into his dry gym clothes, patting down his skin with the damp shirt he just took off. Although all he was wearing was a shirt and a pair of shorts, he wasn’t cold. Thank god the school started turning on the heater a few hours ago…

When he entered the classroom, he was surprised to see Kim Dokja sitting down in his damp clothes. He looked like a wet dog. His classmates treated him like a wet dog, asking what happened or giggling at how he looked.

Before he could say anything, lunch was officially over and class had started.

Kim Dokja’s whole body shivered as the clock ticked.

Chapter Text

Initially, he thought Kim Dokja was just being Kim Dokja. Silent until spoken to and eyes glued to his notebook until class ended. The routine of a typical model student. The norm for him.

Kim Dokja’s eyes fluttered now and then. Yoo Joonghyuk assumed he was probably tired. The real telltale sign of something being wrong was when his head was resting on his notebook in the middle of class, the next time he gazed at him. Their teacher looked confused at Kim Dokja’s behavior, but let it go.

His deskmate even looked at him every now and then to see if he was going to wake up or not with both amusement and a bit of concern. To everyone’s surprise, he didn’t wake up within the next 20 minutes of class.

Class had finally ended, marking the start of lunch, and Kim Dokja still hadn’t woken up yet. That was enough material to get their classmates whispering.

“Is he sick?” One said.

“Maybe, he was in drenched clothes for half of the school day, just like what? A few days ago?”

“Someone should take him to the nurse.” A guy chimed in.

“Or at least wake him up…”

Their classmates chattered and agreed. It would be natural to think he was sick. He didn’t look too well either.

Yoo Joonghyuk gathered his things. Knowing Kim Dokja, he could be stuck in the nurse’s office with him for the rest of the day. Before he could walk to him, another one of their classmates came up to him.

He shook his shoulder a couple of times. “Dokja? Hey, Dokja? You awake? You’re in school, y’know?”

The classmate's group of friends giggled here and there as they showed phony concern. But after a few attempts, he woke up.

Kim Dokja blinked a few times and gave a small yawn before becoming responsive.

“Are you sick? You don’t look too good.”

Kim Dokja just gave him a small smile and replied with “I’m fine”.

“Well, if you’re sure, then.” He sighed, almost relieved that he didn’t have to do anything. Their classmate moved away from Kim Dokja and went back to his own group of friends before walking out with them.

‘Asshole.’

Kim Dokja got up from his seat and rubbed his eyes, stretching here and there. Yoo Joonghyuk started to make his way to him.

Then his phone rang. He pulled his phone out of his pocket to look at the caller.

Mom

He instinctively turned away from the open space of the class and looked out the window before picking up.

“Hello?” He answered.

‘Joonghyuk, your father, Mia, and I are going to be gone for a few days to stay with grandma. She is a bit ill. There’s food at home, but I left some money on the table.’

“Okay. When do you think you’ll—“

‘Bye.’

And the call ended. Waste of time and breath. She spoke like she didn’t have a paid phone plan. If she was going to keep the conversation under 30 seconds, she should’ve sent a text.

Yoo Joonghyuk sighed and put away his phone, redirecting his focus to where he was going. But when he looked up from his phone, Kim Dokja was gone.

He immediately went to the rooftop, but to his surprise, he wasn’t there. It was too cold, and he probably didn’t have the energy to climb the stairs anyway.

Then the nurse’s office, in hopes that Kim Dokja was feeling a little smarter today and decided to take care of himself. To no surprise, he wasn’t there when he opened the door. Only Nurse Seolhwa.

She turned her head at the noise of the door opening, white hair whipping softly along with her. Nurse Seolhwa looked at him with much confusion. He seemed oddly worked up, unusual for him.

“Did something happen, Joonghyuk?” She asked, turning her chair to face him fully.

Yoo Joonghyuk shook his head. “No, not really,” he muttered, disappointment lacing his voice.

“Sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” he sighed.

“Are you busy right now? I need to move some boxes dumpster and would appreciate some help.” She smiled.

Yoo Joonghyuk contemplated for a few seconds before nodding. If he wasn’t in the nurse’s office, then he could’ve been in the bathroom. Even then, by the time he got there, there would be a good chance that Kim Dokja had left to go elsewhere. His best bet was to catch him before the end of their last class.

He picked up a few boxes and stacked them on top of one another. Nurse Seolhwa got up and took a box or two herself.

They walked out of the office and made their way down the hall. Yoo Joonghyuk eyed each student they passed.

‘No, that’s not Dokja.’

‘Not Dokja.’

‘That’s not Dokja.’

‘Where did Dokja disappear to?’

Lee Seolhwa noticed his wandering eyes but didn’t comment. Though she did make sure he turned at the right corners, so he didn’t hit the wall.

One trip turned to two, then two turned to three, then Nurse Seolhwa informed his teacher he was going to be late for class.

When Yoo Joonghyuk eventually rejoined his class, the one person he had been looking for all this time was missing. Both body and possessions are gone.

Yoo Joonghyuk nudged his deskmate for the first time to ask, “Where did Dokja go?”

His classmate was surprised that Yoo Joonghyuk even talked to him, much less asked about Kim Dokja. He fiddled with his pencil before answering.

“D-Dokja said he wasn’t feeling well, so he went to the nurse’s office to call his guardian.”

Yoo Joonghyuk raised an eyebrow. He was in and out of the nurse’s office since he last saw Kim Dokja; there was no way in hell he was there at any point in time without him noticing.

“Thanks,” Yoo Joonghyuk said before focusing on the lecture once more.

The school day had ended, and there was no one to go home to, which meant he was free to do as he pleased with no restrictions.

It didn’t take Yoo Joonghyuk long to get to the junkyard, though every second he stayed in the howling wind, the redder and runnier his nose got. When he got there, he immediately found Kim Dokja slumped against his usual chair.

Kim Dokja’s eyebrows were furrowed, his skin was pale, he shivered and looked sweaty, he looked god damn awful. Yoo Joonghyuk dropped his bag and went to check on him.

“Dokja? Hey, Dokja! Can you hear me?” Yoo Joonghyuk said, getting louder with each sentence.

Kim Dokja replied with a weak, pissy mumble. Yoo Joonghyuk sighed before putting the back of his hand to his forehead. He tsked when he felt how cold his skin was.

‘He’s only going to get worse by staying out here….’

Yoo Joonghyuk crouched down and pulled Kim Dokja onto his back. He grabbed their bags and stood up, making sure he held Kim Dokja firmly. He looked around to see if he had missed anything before leaving the junkyard.

It took slightly longer to reach his house than he expected. Kim Dokja did weigh him down to some degree after all. Yoo Joonghyuk managed to open the door with his keys without dropping Kim Dokja.

Once they came inside, Yoo Joonghyuk dropped their bags and took off his shoes before carrying Kim Dokja to his room.

“Hmm…?” Kim Dokja stirred, feeling Yoo Joonghyuk go up the steps.

Yoo Joonghyuk turned his head a bit, trying to see his face. “Are you awake?”

He didn’t get a verbal response, but he felt Kim Dokja’s face moving up and down beside his head. It was a good enough answer.

Yoo Joonghyuk knelt in front of his bed before he slowly moved Kim Dokja off of him. He sat him on his bed, looking at his face.

The last time Kim Dokja was sick could not compare to the him he was seeing now. His complexion was downright awful. He looked more like a depressed and diseased zombie rather than an ill human.

Yoo Joonghyuk took off his shoes and threw them outside his room before walking off to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.

“Open your mouth.” Yoo Joonghyuk commanded. Kim Dokja parted his lips, and Yoo Joonghyuk carefully wedged a thermometer under his tongue.

A minute or so passed, and it started beeping. Yoo Joonghyuk took it out of his mouth and examined the number.

‘102.5°F….’

He put the thermometer down and left the room. When he came back, Kim Dokja was lying on his side, but seemingly more aware now.

“W—where am I…?” His voice soft and confused.

“My house,” Yoo Joonghyuk responded.

Kim Dokja hummed in response before closing his eyes.

“How are you feeling? Nauseous? Dizzy?”

Kim Dokja replied with more mumbling and humming. Yoo Joonghyuk sighed as he broke a pill or two into a glass of water. He stirred it for a couple of seconds, waiting for it to dissolve before pulling Kim Dokja upright.

He pressed the cup to his lips. “Drink this.”

Kim Dokja didn’t start until Yoo Joonghyuk gently pulled his lip down and forced it into his mouth. Luckily, Kim Dokja swallowed the medicine without struggle.

“I’ll take you to the doctors once the wind dies down a bit.”

“Don’t,” Kim Dokja weakly protested.

Yoo Joonghyuk gave an annoyed eye roll and sighed. “And why not?”

“Just…don’t. I’m fine…,” he insisted.

Yoo Joonghyuk locked eyes with him. Kim Dokja’s eyes were barely open. They looked drowsy and tired. As much as he wanted to dump him at a hospital, there must’ve been a decent reason for him to refuse.

“Fine. I won’t. But in return, just rest here.” Kim Dokja nodded, though it seemed like he wanted to refuse. If he got worse, he’d take him to the hospital whether he liked it or not. Yoo Joonghyuk then went to remove Kim Dokja’s coat.

“Tch—you…stealing my coat?”

“You don’t need it, my heater is on. It’ll be more comfortable when you sleep anyway.” And it wasn’t like it was thick enough to keep him warm anyway.

Yoo Joonghyuk stripped him of his coat and thing scarf before undoing the first few buttons of his shirt.

“Weirdo…”

“Shut up.” Yoo Joonghyuk retorted. “You’ll fall asleep better if you’re not getting strangled by the collar of your shirt.”

Yoo Joonghyuk rolled Kim Dokja to the other side of the bed so he could spread him out comfortably. He then threw a blanket on top of Kim Dokja.

“Mm..it’s so warm in your room…,” Kim Dokja mumbled.

“It’s not that warm. Chilly actually. The heater should be kicking on soon.”

Yoo Joonghyuk expected a witty retort of some sort. When silence filled the air, he took a closer look at Kim Dokja.

He was sleeping. Thus, Yoo Joonghyuk left the room to clean up, study, and shower. Nothing else to do but keep moving when you’re bedless.

When Yoo Joonghyuk returned to his room to start setting up a make-shift bed next to his own for the night, he noticed Kim Dokja awake, or at least half-conscious.

Yoo Joonghyuk came closer to the bed and knelt beside it. “How are you feeling?”

“Warm—it’s cozy in here.” Kim Dokja muttered.

It was weird to hear him say that. His tone was soft and innocent, mimicking almost a child. It reminded Yoo Joonghyuk of Yoo Mia when she was sick. He was delirious.

“I would hope so. The heater’s on—“

“Wow, you have a heater in your room?”

Yoo Joonghyuk moved to sit on the edge of the bed, looking down at Kim Dokja as he spoke. “Yeah, all the rooms have one. Your bedroom doesn’t?” He then cocked an eyebrow.

“Doesn’ work…”

“You should get it fixed before the cold really sets in…”

“It’s never worked.” Kim Dokja looked away, yawning a bit. “Dad said…he’ll get it fixed if—“

“How do you stay warm if your heater doesn’t work? I know your clothes are thin, so it can’t be that…”

Kim Dokja paused and started mumbling about something else.

“Your bed is so soft. I didn’t know beds could be soft like this…and high?”

Yoo Joonghyuk’s head tilted.

“What do you mean? Didn’t your parents put your bed on a bed frame?”

Kim Dokja shook his head a bit.

“When what kind of mattress do you have then?”

“Old—dunno the kind…” Kim Dokja’s words grew softer.

“Well, what about food—“

Snoring followed before Yoo Joonghyuk asked his question. It seemed to be the end of this half-conscious Q&A.

Yoo Joonghyuk sighed and grabbed the free pillow next to Kim Dokja and set a sheet from his closet down before making his bed. He then grabbed an old and frankly small blanket, at least for him, out.

Yoo Joonghyuk’s first time sleeping on the floor in his family's new house. It was hard, just like he expected.

He tossed and turned before laying in his back. He couldn’t get sleep on something this hard.

Then he wondered if Kim Dokja’s bed felt like this.

Chapter Text

“…!”

Kim Dokja’s eyes opened to an unfamiliar room. He was closer to the ceiling than ever in the last 9 years of his life. The bed was soft and the blanket was uncharacteristically heavy on his body. It was far too cozy to be his bed. He blinked a few times to dispel the drowsiness.

The moment he sat up, his head started to throb like someone threw a book at him. He held his head as he groaned, grinding his thumb into his temple to massage it away.

Almost like it were a signal, Yoo Joonghyuk opened the door. When their gazes met, he stepped into the room.

“Good, I don’t need to wake you.”

Kim Dokja looked at him with a confused expression. His eyes swept the room and then he looked back at him. “When did I—“

“Yesterday. I found you passed out in the junkyard like a fool.”

“Should’ve just left me there I’m sure I would’ve—“

No ‘thank you?’ No concern for himself? He didn’t expect much—maybe not even a thank you, but the sheer thought of Kim Dokja unseriously opening his arms to death like it was another Monday morning at school was infuriating.

“You would have died like an idiot, that’s what would’ve happened. You’re already frail enough, layer that with a running illness and freezing temperatures and you would’ve been a goner. Seriously, do you have a death—“

“Stop interrupting me,” Kim Dokja demanded. At some point, he started to glare at Yoo Joonghyuk. “What happens to me is none of your business. We’re not friends—barely my classmates,” he laughed a bit. Kim Dokja was amused by his own outburst.

“Yeah?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked as he grew closer. “Is that what you really think? Because I know you’re full of shit.” Kim Dokja pressed his lips together and glared at him. “And you know it too. Really, I’m not sure if we’re technically friends, but we’re more than classmates. You would’ve never come to my house even if it was raining, taken the time to speak to me outside of class, and would’ve flat-out ignored me if I wasn’t your ‘friend’.”

Kim Dokja didn’t speak. He just listened as Yoo Joonghyuk ranted and ranted. He sighed and turned away from him before throwing the blanket back over him.

“You…!” Yoo Joonghyuk snapped. And just like that the blanket was thrown off Kim Dokja and the heat of the blanket was replaced by warm but rough hands on both his ankles.

“I think that was pretty unnecessary…,” Kim Dokja murmured.

Kim Dokja sat down in front of the kitchen island. His hair was messy, the collar of his button-up opened, drowsiness still muddling his thoughts. Even worse now Yoo Joonghyuk dragged him, physically, out of bed onto the hard floor. He was sure his knees were turning purple at the moment.

“Shouldn’t have given me attitude then.” Yoo Joonghyuk carefully placed a bowl in front of Kim Dokja. Steam rose from the bowl.

“What’s this?”

“Chicken soup,” Yoo Joonghyuk responded nonchalantly. He didn’t look up to speak to Kim Dokja. He stirred the pot, making sure to get the bottom, before using the ladle to pour another bowl of soup.

“Why?”

Yoo Joonghyuk looked at Kim Dokja this time, looking at him as if he was stupid.

“You’re sick and haven’t eaten anything. You need something warm. Just try it.”

“I’m fine, I don’t need a pity meal.”

“Can you just not fight me? Just eat the damn soup, please.“

Kim Dokja sighed as he rolled his eyes. Yoo Joonghyuk shot him an annoyed look. But, Kim Dokja started eating without any more fuss.

He hated to admit it, but the soup was delicious. The broth was flavorful and savory, not watery or salty at all. It was more surprising that it didn’t taste artificial, much like the soup he was used to. And the vegetables were soft and not completely mushy. It satisfied his taste buds and the hole in his stomach that was starting to become painful.

Yoo Joonghyuk placed his bowl and sat a seat over from where Kim Dokja sat. There was a single, vacant seat between them. Yoo Joonghyuk started to dig into his bowl.

They ate in silence for a while. Nothing but soft slurping and the clinks of their spoons hitting their bowls filling the emptiness.

Kim Dokja cleared his throat. “Where’s your family? It’s quiet.”

“Staying with a relative for a little while.”

Kim Dokja looked up, eyeing him from the corner of his vision. “You’re here by yourself?”

“Mhm.”

Kim Dokja didn’t ask further, though it seemed like he had something to say.

“It seems like you slept well…,” Yoo Joonghyuk mumbled.

“Guess I did.” Kim Dokja moved the carrots in his bowl around with his spoon lazily.

“Is my bed that much better than yours? You don’t look that exhausted now.”

Kim Dokja didn’t respond. The room grew colder. He could tell what Yoo Joonghyuk really wanted to know when he asked: What kind of bed did he sleep on? Did it really have no frame?

“Sure,” Kim Dokja muttered before going back to finishing his bowl of soup.

Yoo Joonghyuk got up and went back to the pot, pouring more soup into his bowl.

“You want seconds?” He asked.

“I haven’t even finished my first bowl.”

“I never said now.”

“I think I’m good,” Kim Dokja responded.

Yoo Joonghyuk sighed. He sat back down and started eating again.

“Your family must be wondering why you didn’t come home last night, huh?”

Kim Dokja dropped his spoon, the metal creating a sharp chime when it hit the edge of the bowl. “I know what you’re doing, Joonghyuk. Mind your own fucking business,” he spat. “Forget whatever I said when I was delirious.”

“…I was just wondering.” Yoo Joonghyuk’s tone was depressing to a degree. “My parents usually don’t notice when I’m gone for a few hours.”

“Are we trauma dumping now?”

“I’m not trauma dumping.”

Yoo Joonghyuk went silent, leaving Kim Dokja a little dumbfounded that he actually stopped talking.

“Thank you for the food…and the bed..and the medication…,” Kim Dokja mumbled awkwardly.

“You’re welcome. Just stop putting yourself in near-death situations.”

“You’re exaggerating.” Kim Dokja placed his bowl in the sink before grabbing the sponge. “Where’s my stuff?”

“Upstairs, next to the bed.”

It didn’t take Kim Dokja long to gather his stuff and go back home, or wherever he was going. He didn’t need to leave right away. Despite the mild annoyance and frustration he caused, Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t mind him. But, he left, leaving him alone once more.

Such a big house for one person. He preferred the last house his family lived in far more than this one. It was smaller. It felt like it was okay for one person to remain there. Now, the emptiness of the current house felt eerie, mocking even.

It was a space for a group of people, a family. Yet here he was, alone in the kitchen with his empty bowl.

Yoo Joonghyuk sighed. It would’ve been nice if Yoo Mia was here. Even if she was fussing the entire time she was awake, it would be better than the solitude.

Yoo Joonghyuk washed up and made his way to his bedroom. To his surprise, the bed was made and the blanket was folded up neatly.

He plopped onto the bed without unfolding the covers and unfolded the blanket, burying himself under it. It was a routine he was far too used to.

Yoo Joonghyuk was a product of teen pregnancy. His parents had him young and worked nonstop to make a living. When he grew up enough, they stopped paying all that much attention to him.

He was alone, constantly. No matter how long he cried, his parents didn’t come home until their shift was over. Even then, they cooked, ate, cleaned up, and finally went to sleep.

Things changed when he was 8 years old. They moved into a nicer house and his parents were home more often. Yet, they never talked to him outside of his studies.

Then his mother was pregnant with Yoo Mia when he was about 10 years old. Yoo Joonghyuk was elated. He wouldn’t be alone anymore. He’d have a playmate, he’d be a great big brother, and they’d be one big happy family.

Then she was born. That’s when Yoo Joonghyuk finally realized that he wasn’t a part of his parents’ happy family.

Yoo Mia was doted on in ways he never imagined. They played with her, indulged in her antics, bought her toys, and got her pretty dresses to play princess in.

He was alone in the worst way possible. Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t care for her. It seemed like she stole everything he was supposed to have, everything he wanted.

All he could wonder was ‘Why, why is it not me, but you?’

And then his parents were home less often, leaving Yoo Mia alone. Terrible really, who leaves a 4-year-old by themselves?

He couldn’t hate a child who was also to be a victim of their parents. That decision changed Yoo Joonghyuk for the better. He stepped up and cared for her. She was his family in this bundle of strangers.

Now, when it’s convenient, his parents rip her from him. His only family tossed here and there despite them not caring what she’s doing most times.

What was he supposed to do all alone?

Chapter Text

Kim Dokja kicked his shoes off and placed them on the shelf to the right of the door. He dragged his feet as he made his way to his room. He shut the door behind him, dropped his backpack, and slid down the door until he sat on the floor.

It had been a while since Kim Dokja had the house to himself. He sighed with relief. His father wasn’t home, which meant he could rest. Compared to yesterday, he felt better, but his body still felt heavy, his mind clouded, and his eyes felt dry and weighted. He wanted to sleep again.

Kim Dokja looked at the mattress on the floor. The worn-out sheets that covered it made him change his mind. The boy got up and rummaged through his drawers before heading to the bathroom. He opted to take a warm shower and change into a sweater.

When he came out, he sat on the one good piece of furniture he had in his room: his chair. Kim Dokja scooted his chair forward, grabbing his backpack to grab his books.

He had already wasted enough time being sick. If he didn’t want to fall behind further, he needed to start now. It was already bad enough that he had lost his spot as first place.

It was the first time he lost his first-place spot to Yoo Joonghyuk.

“It’s just a fluke, I shouldn’t have skimped on my studies just because I was the top of my class.”

“You’re right, you shouldn’t have.”

Thankfully, his father left it as a scolding the first time.

Then the second time, he got lucky. Kim Dokja had come home after his second defeat. The same thing ran through his mind the entire day.

‘I studied so hard.’

‘All he ever does is play games before class! It doesn’t seem like he studies as much as I do either.’

‘What makes you better than me?’

When he came home, his father was already at the dinner table with his meal. One plate and one cup on his father’s side. He always had a light midafternoon meal since his work dinners took place late at night.

His father only looked up once before looking back down at his plate.

“Couldn’t manage first place, huh? Is this a second fluke?”

“I—“ Kim Dokja choked up.

“Second place is first loser, you know that.” His father cut into the food on his plate, the knife’s scraping creating a sharp sound that made Kim Dokja flinch. “Why are you still here? Go study.”

Kim Dokja squeezed his palms before turning around, leaving the house for the one place he could relax: the junkyard.

A dirty haven. A place where no one bothers him. When he gets there, he plops down onto his chair and grabs his cigarettes, and suddenly the stress of the day disappears. That’s until his cause of stress somehow makes its way into the junkyard.

Kim Dokja’s leg shook up and down. He gnawed on the eraser of his pencil. All he wanted was one cigarette. Just one—maybe then he would be able to focus on the jumble of letters in front of him.

He didn’t keep his cigarettes at home; they were always left in the junkyard. Even if Kim Dokja wanted one right now, he didn’t have any left. He smoked a few, then the rest got ruined by the rain. With an empty wallet like his, he wasn’t going to get a new pack anytime soon.

His father came with a few guests one night. It was unexpected; usually his father told him beforehand so he could clean the house and put on some nice clothes. During his clean-ups, he’d hide his pack of cigarettes. Stupidly enough, this time he left them on the couch—the couch of all places!

Kim Dokja made it a habit not to smoke in the house, of course, he’d get caught if he did. The scent sticks far too easily. So he’d slip the pack in his back pocket, go out for a bit, and come right back. It must’ve slipped out of his pocket when he sat on the couch.

His father led the guests to the living room. Kim Dokja watched closely. He knew his father spotted them. It was the way he looked into Kim Dokja’s eyes that sent a subtle shiver up his spine, making him uneasy.

His father sat down near the pack and snatched it nonchalantly before slipping it into the pocket of his pants.

“So this is your straight A student son you’ve been talking about?” One of the guests chuckled.

“Yes, yes,” his father continued. “He doesn’t disappoint, I barely need to parent him.”

“That’s wonderful, wish my son was like him,” the wife joked.

Kim Dokja could only awkwardly chuckle as they laughed away into the night. It came to an abrupt end when the door closed after their guests left, and his father’s fist connected with his face, causing him to fall back.

“Listen, I don’t give a damn if you smoke. Don’t leave your shit around the house, I don’t need you embarrassing me anymore than you already do,” his father spat. “I try to keep a good reputation for both of us.”

He threw the pack of cigarettes at him before storming off, leaving Kim Dokja disoriented on the floor. When he finally got up, he looked in the mirror to see a bruise forming. He sighed.

He didn’t go to school for the next three days.

At some point, Kim Dokja started to make sense of what he was reading. He made notes and some occasional explanations under them. It was far better than his scarce notes from when he was sick. He could tell when he started dozing off, the letters turned into scribbles before they stopped altogether.

He just needs to prevail. If he can reclaim first place—even if it’s for a little bit, he can take a little break. His father won’t be on his ass, his classmates whispers about him will die down, and maybe his mom—

…

He just needs to focus on the material before the next test. The last time Kim Dokja failed to reclaim the title of top of the class, his father grabbed him and punched him in the gut. He muttered something about laziness and motivation. He wasn’t listening. It was hard enough for something to rupture. He was puking blood for a little while.

Kim Dokja sighed and sat back in his seat.

“Why would Joonghyuk…,” he mumbled.

‘Why would he help me, of all people?’

Kim Dokja couldn’t stand his help. Yoo Joonghyuk was his problem after all—everything was fine until he moved here.

He could only think back to the time Yoo Joonghyuk took him to the nurse's office. How his dad eyed Yoo Joonghyuk—only did he realize then Yoo Joonghyuk was everything his dad wanted him to be.

Yoo Joonghyuk was tall, smart, and everything seemed to come easily to him. He was athletic too. His father would’ve preferred Yoo Joonghyuk over him if he had gotten to choose who his son was.

Kim Dokja was more of a burden and nuisance for his father. When his father picked him up from the nurse's office, he shut the door and started pacing around and shouting. He eventually threw a vase at him. Kim Dokja stumbled back and fell to the floor. Fortunately for him, it had only hit his leg, giving him a subtle limp for a few days.

His father saw Kim Dokja amongst the shards of the vase, and suddenly, he was a different person. Starkly different.

“I—I’m sorry. I was just angry. I had to leave my meeting early to come get you.” His father started stumbling on his words before he helped him up.

And Kim Dokja was a fool for falling for it every time. It was pleasant to have him care sometimes. It was a never-ending routine. His father would degrade him time and time again, and then would act like an apologetic and doting father after a couple of times.

Kim Dokja accepted it nonetheless. When his father put on his remorseful act, he’d give him some cash. It was a good bonus for the weeks of pain. It funded his nicotine and caffeine addiction.

Kim Dokja put his hands on his face before taking a deep breath. There was too much to do, too much to think about, and not enough energy to do either.

Suddenly, his phone buzzed. Kim Dokja unlocked his phone.

Joonghyuk

The notes you missed.

[5 Attachments]

Kim Dokja smiled tiredly as he slumped onto his desk.

“How am I supposed to hate you now?”

Chapter Text

“Is that all you’re having for lunch?”

Kim Dokja sighed. “I don’t even have money for a new pack of cigs, much less actual food.” He licked his fingers, trying to savor the last bit of seasoning and crumbs from his bag of chips. “I’m not that hungry anyway, this is good enough.”

Yoo Joonghyuk silently picks up a tiny cherry tomato from his box with his chopsticks and offers it to Kim Dokja.

His expression faltered momentarily. “You’re funny, you know I don’t like tomatoes.”

“Do I?” Yoo Joonghyuk said smugly.

Kim Dokja rolled his eyes and sighed. Yoo Joonghyuk ate the tomato after he turned away. “Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to be a picky eater?”

The chip bag in Kim Dokja’s hand crumpled. “Yeah, she did.”

Touchy subject it seems. Yoo Joonghyuk just continued eating.

It’s been a week or so since Kim Dokja stayed over at Yoo Joonghyuk’s house. To Yoo Joonghyuk’s surprise, Kim Dokja’s attitude towards him changed. It was more relaxed if anything. His words were more playful rather than having underlying malice all the time. His suggestions sounded less calculated and more genuine for once.

And the biggest 180 change of them all…

“I think lunch is almost over Joonghyuk,” Kim Dokja said.

“Mm, we have two minutes before we have to head back.”

Kim Dokja willingly hung out with him at school. Almost every weekday, during their lunch, they would find themselves enjoying each other’s company on the rooftop. Just flat out stopped avoiding him.

And it made Yoo Joonghyuk unreasonably happy. The cat finally gave in and let him pet it.

Most of their classmates were surprised to see them being friendly with one another in the classroom. Before, it seemed like they hated one another from the way the tension from their rivalry felt. But now, it was uncharacteristically peaceful. Hell, they even visit and sometimes sit on one another’s desks to talk before the next class starts. Just like today.

Yoo Joonghyuk leaned against Kim Dokja’s desk, partially sitting on it while he scrolled through his phone.

Kim Dokja on the other hand, had a neat spread of stationery. His notebook was opened flat on the desk and on the opposite side of where Yoo Joonghyuk sat was a row consisting of cheap thick neon highlighters and colored ballpoint pens, of course, accompanied by at least one pencil. He marked his notebook as he continued to speak to Yoo Joonghyuk.

“Are we meeting at the spot today?” Kim Dokja asked, his gaze rising to see Yoo Joonghyuk’s face.

Yoo Joonghyuk put down his phone, returning the undivided attention. “I can’t meet today. My parents aren’t coming home until later tonight, so I have to pick up and watch my sister.”

“Okay.”

“You’re welcome to come over though,” Yoo Joonghyuk added.”

“I…probably won’t, it’s a good opportunity to catch up again and it’s better if I don’t distract myself.” His leg started shaking up and down.

“That’s fine, just come over if you change your mind though.” Yoo Joonghyuk nonchalantly picked up his phone to check the time before getting up and going back to his seat.

Kim Dokja was more or less fine, right now anyway. His craving for a cigarette only grew with each day. He felt like shit too. Tiredness overwhelmed him midday, bringing the inability to focus. Thankfully he was still able to take some notes despite not being able to understand much in the moment.

Then his stomach gurgled with a tightness following. The emptiness was more painful than normal. Aside from the chips he hasn’t eaten much within the last two days or so.

Maybe he had enough money to buy one of those prepackaged gimbap from the store? It’s not like he was going to get any studying done in this condition. Kim Dokja readjusted his bag before changing course to the nearest convenience store.

At some point, a woman who seemed a little taller than average passed Kim Dokja. Her long brown hair made his head swivel to look at her anxiously. He turned his body with a new objective.

“Mommy!” A child of about 5 years old called warmly as they walked up to the woman.

“It’s not safe to walk off from school, especially without your teacher noticing!” She immediately picked up the boy and looked at him eye to eye. “I was coming wasn’t I? Hm?”

“Yah?” The boy replied a bit confused.

The mother sighed before laughing. “Come now, you should apologize to your teacher for your sudden disappearance. They might be panicking right now.” She held the child closer before patting the back of his head gently.

And Kim Dokja watched that scene unfold with wide eyes.

‘Ah.’

‘I forgot, I don’t deserve to eat.’

Kim Dokja turned around, walking far ahead of the mother and child before speeding up.

His breathing was irregular and it felt like his body was hot with shame and embarrassment. At some point, he had finally made it into the junkyard.

Kim Dokja dropped his bag before rummaging around.

He felt crazy—like his body wasn’t his own—it felt disgusting—humiliating. It’s like tears welled up behind his eyes that demanded to fall but not a single one shed as much as he wanted to. It felt like he was going to burst.

‘For fucks sake—‘

He knocked over his chair. Nothing.

He even looked around the heaps of trash—as disgusting as it was. Nothing.

Not a single fucking box of cigarettes in sight. Just one would make the whole thing blow over. He needed one cigarette to itch that fiery craving that hits him a few times a day.

He needed it desperately.

“Fuck…” His voice came out strained and broken. He slumped against the pile of scrapes behind him. His hand landed on cold metal, a familiar grip too. It was the box cutter he found and used for cutting off the plastic on his new packs.

In a moment pain brought him back. Unfortunately, it was the sanest he felt in a few days. He hated pain yet it was the thing that brought him the most relief.

He dropped the box cutter and held his bleeding arm with pressure before sighing. He tilted his head back and relaxed onto whatever was behind him.

Kim Dokja was pathetic and he knew that.

Chapter Text

“…”

“…!”

“Hm?” Kim Dokja snapped back into reality and turned his attention to Yoo Joonghyuk.

“For a second I thought you managed to start sleeping with your eyes open…,” Yoo Joonghyuk mumbled.

In just a day or so, Kim Dokja became even more unfocused than before. Though unfocused, his body seemed to stop urging him for a cigarette. It was more tame now; he didn’t feel like he would crawl out of his skin if he didn’t have one. But the craving still hit him now and then. Unfortunately for him, he neither had a pack nor the money to buy a new one. Kim Dokja would have to suck it up for a few more weeks.

On the other hand, a new distraction arose. His wrist throbbed with hot pain when he stretched his arm. It wasn’t one of the best choices he’s made, none of the choices he’s made up to this point were good in fact, but who could blame him?

It was a temporary solution evoked by the lack of options. The pain was both a relief and a burden. It combatted the numbness that consumed him, yet left him with lingering regrets.

“Now you’re just not listening,” Yoo Joonghyuk grumbled, bringing Kim Dokja back into the moment.

“What did you say?” He gave a childish and guilty smile, trying to play off his absence.

“Did you want to study at my house today? My parents and sister are out, so there’s no one to distract us.”

“Oh, sure,” Kim Dokja replied casually. It was cold outside anyway, he’d much rather prefer the warmth of Yoo Joonghyuk’s house than staying in the cold junkyard today.

On the way back, they stopped by a grocery store. Kim Dokja trailed behind Yoo Joonghyuk with both of their school bags while Yoo Joonghyuk carried the basket.

Kim Dokja should’ve guessed Yoo Joonghyuk was the type to take his time in a store. They went isle by isle, Yoo Joonghyuk picking up items with a pensive expression before putting the item back or dropping it into the basket.

First it was snacks, then candies, then instant foods, all the way until they reached the last aisle. Kim Dokja didn’t pay much attention to the basket, it was all Yoo Joonghyuk’s stuff after all. He had to save what little cash he had.

He stood silently next to Yoo Joonghyuk as he paid for his groceries. Kim Dokja’s eyes wandered to look out the window at the convenience store down the street. The one he sometimes bought his cigarettes from.

“Thank you,” Yoo Joonghyuk said to the cashier before he picked up his bags. And just like that they were back on track to Yoo Joonghyuk’s house.

“We should take a break,” Yoo Joonghyuk said as he put his pencil down.

“Why, I can go on for a little longer. It’s only, what, 7pm?”

“We’ve been at it for hours. Also, I can’t stand you tapping your foot, don’t you ever get tired of that?”

Kim Dokja sighed. “It’s not my fault—I’m starting to feel antsy…”

“Okay, what makes you not feel antsy?” Yoo Joonghyuk got up and started closing his notebooks, neatly stacking them on the side of his desk.

“I usually go smoke when I get like this…” Kim Dokja followed suit and started to tidy up his area, putting his notebooks and supplies in his backpack. “If my last pack didn’t get wet, I wouldn’t be miserable right now.”

Yoo Joonghyuk rolled his eyes before turning away from him. “I’ll be right back, give me a second.” He left the room without closing the door behind him. Kim Dokja ended up sitting on the floor, slumped against the bed. He held his knees close and rested his chin on his arm.

Kim Dokja heard a bag tussling downstairs, assuming Yoo Joonghyuk was grabbing something he bought today. Eventually, the pressure on his arm started to irritate his wound, so he sat up properly.

Then the bookshelf in front of him caught his attention. Before he could get up for a closer look, Yoo Joonghyuk came back. He threw him a dark brown bag.

“Coffee candy…? I didn’t know you ate these, Joonghyuk.” Kim Dokja sounded a little disappointed. Like it wasn’t the item he was hoping for.

“Just have some, it’ll keep you distracted.”

Kim Dokja gave him an unserious look before opening the back. He grabbed one of the candies and tore it open, throwing the small rectangular candy into his mouth.

His face instantly wrinkled before he gritted his teeth. “Bleh! You actually eat these?!”

The taste was almost pure coffee. It was more bitter than sweet with a slight salty hint. The flavor assaulted his taste buds until he got used to it. The frown continued to plaster his face.

Yoo Joonghyuk on the other hand, looked amused. He held out his hand and Kim Dokja handed him the large bag.

Yoo Joonghyuk popped a candy into his mouth with a faint smirk. “What do you mean, it tastes good?”

“You must think you’re hilarious.”

“Yeah, maybe I do. But it was worth it to see you do that. It’s not even bitter.”

“Psychopath,” Kim Dokja muttered as he got up. “And it is bitter, for your information.”

Yoo Joonghyuk sighed. “What were you looking at before I came in?”

“…your bookshelf.” Kim Dokja got closer to the bookshelf. His hand glided over the spines of the books before picking one out.

“Sarah, Plain and Tall?” Kim Dokja turned to Yoo Joonghyuk. “Never heard of this book before.”

Yoo Joonghyuk looked at the bookshelf as if he were trying to find something. He knelt, but didn’t cease talking to Kim Dokja. “That’s because it’s in English. My dad brought home a box of old books from somewhere not knowing a majority of them were in English.” He got up from the floor with a book in hand. “He was going to give them away but I took them. They’re a good way to practice and learn English.” Yoo Joonghyuk gave a book to Kim Dokja.

“And Then There Were None…this had a movie right?”

“Right.”

Kim Dokja flipped through the pages curiously.

“Are you hungry?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked.

“No, I’m fine—“ Kim Dokja was interrupted by his growling stomach. He looked away in embarrassment. “Just a little…”

“Is hot pot fine with you?”

“Mhm,” Kim Dokja agreed.

“I’ll go prepare it then, feel free to read the books.” Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t wait for a reply. He rolled up his sleeves as he left the room.

When Yoo Joonghyuk came back to call Kim Dokja for dinner, he found him lying on his side on the floor.

“You could’ve read on the desk or my bed, I wouldn’t have minded.”

Kim Dokja put down the book. “It’s fine.” He sat up to look at Yoo Joonghyuk. The sudden sight of him made him giggle. “What’s with the apron?”

Yoo Joonghyuk looked at him with annoyance. He wore a pink frilly apron with a bow tied behind his back.

“It’s my mom’s! Anyway, hurry up or else I’ll eat everything myself.”

Kim Dokja sighed. “Yeah, yeah. I’m getting up.”

Their dinner was silent to begin with, aside from the bubbling of the pot and the occasional clank of their chopsticks against the metal. Yoo Joonghyuk decided to break the silence.

“I didn’t know you liked to read.”

Kim Dokja laughed. “What gave you that impression?”

“You finished the book before I came in.”

Kim Dokja put some of the cooked meat in his mouth and spoke. “Yea—I—“

“Just finish the food in your mouth,” he sighed. After a few seconds, Kim Dokja replied clearly.

“Yeah, I used to love reading.”

“Used to? You don’t read for fun anymore?”

“Mm,” Kim Dokja hummed.

“Why?”

“…”

Chapter Text

“What does this word mean?” A small hand pointed at the long word on the page. The body behind him shifted to surround him further, like a protective brace. Long dark brown hair fell in front of his face, tickling his neck. He squirmed around with a slight giggle.

A hand immediately brushed the hair away, and a sudden weight fell onto his head. “It’s read incompetence. Can you say it, Dokja? In-com-pe-tence.” Her lips moved carefully to exaggerate the syllables.

“In-com-pe-tence,” he copied in a small voice.

“Perfect.” The woman smiled at him lovingly. “Incompetence means…that someone is unable to do something right.”

“So the hero is incompetence?”

“Not quite. The word would be ‘incompetent’ in that sentence.”

“So the hero is incompetent? Why?”

“In this story, the hero is unable to save the person they wish to save. A hero’s job is to save people, so if they aren’t able to save someone, that makes them incompetent.” Her words were slow and soft as she watched his expression. Her expression changed to one of guilt. “Maybe this was a little bit on the darker side of things. Let’s read something else, Dokja.”

“Okay, mama.”

Kim Dokja’s snow garden of words was introduced to him by his mother. A sweet haven entirely constructed by black inked words on a white page. No matter how plain letters looked, a jumble of them created a word. A few words created a sentence. A few sentences made a paragraph. And within reading a few paragraphs, he’d find himself in a new world.

Each new word held comfort and information beyond what he could imagine. Thus, he found himself in the snow garden whenever he could.

Then suddenly there were no more pages; the inky black words stopped, and he found himself locked out of the world he had grown to love. He was left behind in the dark.

“Reread it,” his mother said as she looked at him.

Now, being a bit older than when he was first introduced to the joy of reading, he found himself questioning his mother’s thinking for the first time.

“Why would I read a story I’ve already read?”

“If you read it again, I promise you, it will certainly be a different story.” She had a faint smirk. That was enough for Kim Dokja to do as she said.

And she was right. He read each story over and over and over again. Kim Dokja could recognize what his mother meant now. Rereading the story allowed for further comprehension. He was able to see things he didn’t see before.

Then came the time when he became curious and hungry. He needed a new story.

“We can go to the bookstore,” his father responded cheerfully.

“You can’t—“

“Why not? Are you trying to deprive Dokja of something he wants? Is that what you want me to do? Because I’m not like you, I actually care for my child. I’ll get him what he wants.” His father turned his gaze to Kim Dokja. “See, your mother just doesn’t like seeing you happy. I'll take you to the bookstore myself. How does that sound?”

That’s when the seeds were sown: his mother was the ‘bad parent’. She never let him do the things he liked. She didn’t like seeing him happy.

That’s what his father had always said.

His father always took him out to play and shop, and visit family.

Then, he changed.

He remembered that day vividly. His father came home drunk and sat on the couch with his tie loosened. His mother carefully approached him and started muttering a few things to him. Then his father threw the glass bottle on the floor near her feet before getting up.

“Quit your bitching! I do everything for this family, and neither of you appreciates anything I do!”

His mother fell silent and turned away. She cleaned the broken glass and ushered Kim Dokja into his bedroom. He didn’t know why he had to be apart from his father.

It was the day his father started beating his mother that he realized that the ‘bad parent’ wasn’t his mother. It was his father, all along.

Then his beatings turned to Kim Dokja, too, once he started to cling to his mother. Almost every other day, they would go into a torturous cycle. A normal family was eating dinner in silence one day, then the mother and son were clinging to one another after his father beat them. The worst part of it was the fact that they acted like nothing happened the next day.

Things changed when Kim Dokja became a bit older. His father pressured him for his best. He wanted the best. He wanted a trophy to show off and a damn good retirement plan to fall on. Unfortunately for him, he was average, angering his father. In grades, sports, extracurriculars, you name it.

Every night, he’d find himself right in his mother, her arm around him, holding him close.

“I’m sorry,” Kim Dokja whispered in a sob.

“Don’t be sorry for anything. You have done nothing wrong. Know that I’ll still love you, no matter what.”

“Love you too,” he’d mutter back.

I love you.

What a lie.

His mother, Lee Sookyung, divorced his father and never came back.

Why did she leave him? She never came back. She never visited him. Never contacted him. Why did she leave him all alone in this godforsaken house?

“Because of you,” his father grumbled on the couch.

“Huh?”

“She left because of you. A good-for-nothing son who can’t even achieve good marks. You idolized her, and what happened? She left. She left you and me. You should be grateful I’m your father; anyone would want to disown a boy like you. A boy who can't do anything and isn't grateful for anything.”

“I—“

“The only thing you can do is make it up for the rest of your life. Don’t think you’ll be freeloading off me right now for free.”

Eventually, life continued. He read his books until it eventually angered his father. Said that 'unnecessary reading' was keeping him away from doing better things. He tried to raise his grade to prove that reading wasn't the problem. God, how he pleaded and pleaded. It was to no avail. His father threw all the worlds he found comfort in away in a junkyard no one visited. They were the only thing his mother truly left him. He even banned him from his only escape: reading, like throwing away his mother's books wasn't enough.

He went to the junkyard with desperation. Kim Dokja wanted the only thing he could remember about his mother back. Wanting his books back wasn’t asking for much, was it? Was it such a sin to want to remember his mother? To indulge in the lasting warmth she had given him? 

Maybe it was, it's not like she ever came back to talk to him. No call-no message-no letter-

He never found those books. He only found a new sense of comfort within the junkyard, a place where everything had the same value as him. His father’s beatings reinforced it.

Kim Dokja could only take it silently. There was no room to argue; his father was right. It was his fault in the end, wasn't it? If he hadn’t taken either of his parents’ sides, they wouldn’t have clashed as often. Maybe if he were a more thoughtful child, his father wouldn’t be angry all the time. Had he studied harder to meet his father’s expectations, maybe things would’ve been different. If he were more appreciative of his mother, she would still be here.

And yet, he still craved to have everything. If he studied harder, maybe his mother would come back and take him away from his father.

But his father was taking care of him the whole time? That would be ungrateful. That would prove his father right. 

Kim Dokja knew he was the most vile person he’s ever had the displeasure of knowing. To make up for it, a little sacrifice is in place, right? He’ll study to meet expectations until he faints from exhaustion. Act as if his two-faced classmates are his best friends, despite wanting to bang his head into a wall every time their grating voices echo into his ears. Take his father’s beatings no matter how much they hurt. Play the role of an academically well-rounded and astonishingly well-behaved son. Smoke until his lungs turn black. Hurt until he can’t take it anymore. Starve until he achieves perfection.

He’ll make up for all of it—and maybe—just maybe—his false illusion would come true. If he just tried hard enough, his mother would come back and tell him he did a good job. That she was proud of him. That she still loved him.

…

He knew that wasn’t the case. Kim Dokja had lost count of the years he hadn’t seen his mother. He was working towards nothing….

Death was better than this.

Chapter Text

“I’m tired,” Yoo Joonghyuk grumbled. He put a hand over his mouth and yawned. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes. “What time is it?”

“I think 4 am?” Kim Dokja responded. He put his phone aside and rested his head on the mildly soft carpet.

Despite their developing friendship, neither had a single thought of dropping out of the race for first place. Thus, they decided to study. Neither of them expected to go as long as they did.

Kim Dokja felt the tightness of his muscles and the throbbing in his head. He was used to studying so early in the morning, but that didn’t mean his body was fully adjusted to his sleep deprivation. Yoo Joonghyuk, on the other hand, was feeling the full effect. He was the type to go to sleep early and wake up early. Go for a walk and do his best to eat a balanced meal. A consistent routine that had yet to fail him.

Unfortunately, he got wrapped up in Kim Dokja’s shenanigans. Unhealthy habits and all. At least this time, he didn’t have to deal with his cranky, sarcastic, and at times, frightening, attitude. He was more…docile now. Any type of aggression was done playfully.

“I’m going to sleep…” Yoo Joonghyuk rolled onto his side and pulled up his blanket. He allowed his body to melt into his bed, and for a moment, he was at peace.

“It’s only 4 am, we have a few more pages to review and we’re done, so just hold on a little—“

A pillow collided with Kim Dokja’s face. He took a deep breath before getting up and throwing off Yoo Joonghyuk’s blanket.

“Tch, what the hell are—“

Kim Dokja grabbed his ankle and dragged him more than halfway off the bed. Yoo Joonghyuk's eyes widened as he tried holding onto his sheets. At times like this, he wished he hadn’t tried to feed Kim Dokja every moment he got. He managed to use his goodwill against him (even if it was helping him rebuild muscle via nutrition). He inevitably fell off the bed straight onto the floor.

“Kim. Dok-ja…” Yoo Joonghyuk’s voice was laced with fury. His right eye twitched. His eyes were red and weary, dark circles forming beneath them. He was starting to look like a madman. In only a matter of seconds, he got up to lunge at him.

Kim Dokja, fortunately, met Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand with his. Their fingers interlocked as they pushed one another back. The stalemate was brutal. Little did Yoo Joonghyuk know Kim Dokja was about to break down.

“Tch—asshole!”

“You threw the pillow at me first!”

Kim Dokja lifted his foot to take a step forward. A last resort to try and get the upper hand. His foot landed on the blanket, and with a hard push from Yoo Joonghyuk, they both toppled to the ground.

In the blink of an eye, Yoo Joonghyuk was holding himself up as Kim Dokja lay under him. The once passive-aggressive and playful demeanor was finally replaced with something new.

Confusion? Or was it fear?

Kim Dokja’s lips pressed together. He turned away, his gaze averted. The shell of the ear turned pink. Before Yoo Joonghyuk could comment, Kim Dokja spoke up.

“Y—yeah, maybe you’re right! It’s a little late, maybe we should go to sleep. I’ll sleep on the floor, kay’?”

Yoo Joonghyuk felt his heart thump violently. He got up immediately and sat down on the bed, grabbing his blanket again.

“Yeah…good night.”

Yoo Joonghyuk hurriedly shut off the lights and got into his bed. Kim Dokja took the pillow that was thrown at him earlier and tucked it under his head.

And that was that for the night.

He couldn’t help but flinch when the vase smashed into pieces against the wall. It was thrown at him after all, maybe purposely missed? It wasn’t new; he should’ve been used to it by now. Yet, he always found himself in the same position every time.

Quiet. Shaken. Still. Nervous.

“All you do is disappear day in and day out! I had clients over last night. You knew people were going to be coming over. You need to be here for dinner with my clients. They probably think I’m a shit show dad that doesn’t even keep track of their only kid! Really, how hard is it for someone with no job…” his father took a step…then another…and another, steps heavy both physically and mentally. To Kim Dokja, each one felt like someone was shaking him.

“—who lives off their father’s money, who does nothing in return…and,” his father tossed a book on the floor, one that Yoo Joonghyuk had let him take, “you’re not even grateful! I’m the one who stuck around. Your mother abandoned you. She left you with me and never turned back, and yet, you still cling to her.”

Bile burned the back of his throat. Maybe his father was right. Maybe he wasn’t grateful enough. Maybe he was wrong for clinging to any hopes of his mother coming back for him.

But for fucks sake, was it so wrong of him to take a break to do something he likes? Something he loves?

His father picked up the book and threw it at him, the hardcover hitting his shoulder as he curled up to defend himself. “Well?” His father asked.

“S-sorry…”

God, was he pathetic. Truly a stupid dog that runs away from its owner only to come back once it realizes it has no food of its own.

His father tsked, he picked up the book once more. Kim Dokja put his arms in front of his face, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth.

The tension in his body ceased, and he was filled with panic as soon as he heard paper tearing. He opened his eyes, the air making his eyes feel cool as the tears brimmed in his eyes.

The book was torn up and thrown in the trash. His father left, slamming the door behind him. Any words he wanted to shout died on his tongue and were replaced with a choked sob.

Kim Dokja merely grit his teeth and took a deep breath as he walked to the trash can, opening it. His hand reached for the half-torn cover of the book. It read “Shiloh”.

“Fuck…,” Kim Dokja muttered as he looked at the dog on the cover blankly. Minutes passed, and the stress left his body, leaving only exhaustion in its place.

“So Biyoo tore up the book?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked.

‘I’m so sorry Biyoo…’

“Mhm, I guess she wasn’t exactly fond of the dog on the cover. I’m sorry, I’ll pay you back for the book.”

“It’s fine, I got them for free anyway.” Yoo Joonghyuk started munching on his food. He took a glance at the blue sky before turning back to Kim Dokja. “What book was it anyway?”

“Shiloh? I think that’s what the title was. Had a dog on the cover.”

“Oh, I didn’t read that one yet.”

“Sorry,” Kim Dokja mumbled. As a kid, he would hate it when anyone ruined his own books. Who’s the say it wasn’t the same for others?

“Did you get the chance to read it?” Yoo Joonghyuk had finally finished his food. He opted to bring his knees close to his chest and wrap his arms around his legs as he listened.

“No, Biyoo tore it up before I ever got a chance to open it.”

Yoo Joonghyuk yawned, most likely due to the disruption of his sleep schedule. The cause repeated the action right next to him.

“Well, I’m assuming it’s about a dog and its owner. I’m probably not missing out on some grand story. What about you?”

“What about me?” Kim Dokja asked.

“What do you think the story was about?”

Kim Dokja went silent as he thought long and hard before answering.

“Freedom.”

“Freedom? You saw a dog, a loyal creature, and thought of freedom?” Yoo Joonghyuk looked at him, slightly puzzled, his thick eyebrow raised for further explanation.

“You asked for my opinion! But I don’t know, I got that impression from the cover. Like the dog became free.”

“Even if a dog is freed from its owner, is it actually free?” Yoo Joonghyuk mumbled.

“What do you mean?” Kim Dokja mimicked Yoo Joonghyuk by putting in the same puzzled expression.

“Just because it was freed from its owner doesn’t mean someone else won’t swoop in for the dog. Even then, pounds and such exist. Most domesticated dogs probably can’t survive long without someone taking care of them, right?”

…

“Yeah, I think you’re right…” Kim Dokja’s body felt heavy like iron, and his stare became blank.

“A dog like that probably wouldn’t be free until death, huh?”

“I never said that, but maybe…”

Kim Dokja slumped onto Yoo Joonghyuk’s shoulder.

“What’s your problem?” Yoo Joonghyuk shouted.

“Tired, let me sleep….”

Yoo Joonghyuk started pushing him away. “I’m tired too, thanks to a certain someone!”

“Nuh-uh.”

“I’ll throw you off the roof right now.”

“Do it then.” Kim Dokja sounded more serious this time. It made Yoo Joonghyuk freeze before he softened up.

“Don’t sound so serious when you say that. Actually, don’t say that at all.”

“….”

“Sorry.”

Chapter Text

“…?”

When Yoo Joonghyuk opened the door to leave his house, the last person he thought he would see was Kim Dokja standing there, waiting for him. Hair and uniform neat, noticeable eye bags, and for once, didn’t smell like tobacco.

“How long have you been out here?”

“Not that long…” Kim Dokja mumbled, turning away.

Yoo Joonghyuk sighed and shut the door behind him, ensuring it was locked before they started walking. Kim Dokja walked silently beside him. He looked forward emptily, almost like he was too deep in thought to form coherent words. So absorbed in his thoughts that for a moment it seemed like he was walking alone.

“What made you want to walk with me today? It’s a first.”

Kim Dokja was startled out of his thoughts and half-turned to Yoo Joonghyuk. “I woke up earlier than usual, got up, and didn’t know what else to do with my time,” Kim Dokja said bluntly. He shoved his hands in his pockets, uncomfortably shifting now and then.

Yoo Joonghyuk replied with just a hum.

“Is that a problem? It’s not like I haven’t been to your house multiple times before.” Kim Dokja gave a small joking huff.

“No, no problem. I was just…asking,” he muttered, trying to hide the delight in his voice. Though Kim Dokja couldn’t tell, the fact that he waited for him so they could go to school together had him ecstatic.

His parents never dropped or picked him up from school, much less waited for him to get ready for school. Yoo Mia was far too young to do so. It was the first time someone was actually waiting for him, for anything in fact.

“Did you want to come over after school today?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked, trying not to sound too eager. “My sister will be home, but she’s not…that much of a troublemaker.”

Kim Dokja glanced at the gloomy sky. The clouds were a deep gray. No gaps of sunlight to be seen. It was surprising that it was still visible outside. “I can’t, I have to be home for something. It looks like it’s going to rain anyway, so it’s better to just stay at home.”

He glanced at Kim Dokja’s face, trying to read his expression. He couldn’t tell what he was thinking in the slightest. Yoo Joonghyuk mumbled a small ‘oh’ and they kept walking.

“Are you available tomorrow then?” Yoo Joonghyuk readjusted the strap of his bag, fiddling with the zipper.

Kim Dokja perked up and smirked. “Why? Need something?”

Yoo Joonghyuk rolled his eyes with slight annoyance. The stupid smirk he found both irritating and amusing. Reminded him a bit of a cat, specifically the face Biyoo makes when she gets on Kim Dokja’s lap before he starts petting her. “Just wanted to study or hang out…my family is going to be out tomorrow, they’re taking my sister somewhere.”

“Where are they taking her?”

Yoo Joonghyuk paused for a moment. “I don’t know. I didn’t ask.”

Kim Dokja sighed. “They could’ve taken you with them, but that’s beside the point. But, I’m not sure yet. I’ll text you later tonight if I’m free.”

“Sounds good.”

Surprisingly, the school day went quickly. Kim Dokja and Yoo Joonghyuk went through their usual routine of talking between classes and bickering during lunch. The only off part was how silent Kim Dokja was. A difference from his usually annoying self. Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t comment on it; he knew that wasn’t something Kim Dokja wanted to hear.

So when the school day ended, he let Kim Dokja go. It was much like feeding a stray cat food, and it walked away without nuzzling up to get pet. It left him utterly disappointed. There wasn’t much he could do. He couldn’t force Kim Dokja to come over. Even if he did, he’d probably put up a fight like a cat, too. Yoo Joonghyuk chuckled at the thought.

By the time he arrived home, the sky was unbelievably dark. Dark clouds coated the sky, probably the worst he’s seen in a while.

“Mia, I’m home!” Yoo Joonghyuk shouted as he closed and locked the door. He crouched down to take off his shoes and put them away. A fast set of footsteps pattered towards him. He could see Yoo Mia trying to peek out from the corner, but continued to take off his scarf like he hadn’t noticed.

In a flashback, he ran to her and picked her up. She squealed at the sudden action. Yoo Joonghyuk laughed. “Thought I wouldn’t see you?”

“Oppa! Put me down!” She wriggled in his grasp, pausing to look at him with puffed-up cheeks. “I thought I was being sneaky…”

Yoo Joonghyuk put her down and knelt. “If you wanted to surprise me, you should’ve kept your footsteps quiet and stayed behind the wall.”

“Hmph.” Yoo Mia turned away.

Yoo Joonghyuk picked her up again, this time carefully in his arms as he walked to the couch. He plopped her down before moving to the kitchen.

“What do you want for dinner, Mia?”

“I dunno…” She mumbled. Yoo Mia wasn’t a picky child but any means, but her indecisiveness is what made mealtimes hard.

“How about we order pizza?”

“Can we?” Yoo Mia’s eyes lit up. Yoo Joonghyuk could tell she was trying to control her excitement.

“Mom left money, so let’s get pizza. But we’re getting the one with veggies, alright?”

“Fine,” she whined.

Thankfully, the pizza had arrived before the rain started. Yoo Mia scarfed down each slice vigorously, one, then two, then three slices.

“You were really hungry…,” Yoo Joonghyuk muttered, not expecting Yoo Mia to hear.

“Mhm!” She pulled the slice away from her, a string of cheese stretching with the motion.

“Don’t try to talk with your mouth full…and eat slowly. If the pizza gets cold, I’ll reheat it, okay?”

“Okay.”

Yoo Joonghyuk watched Yoo Mia eat, eyebrows slightly furrowed. “…What did you have for lunch today?”

“Hm?” Yoo Mia wiped her mouth with a napkin before turning to him.

“What did mom make for lunch today? Was it good?”

“She didn’t make anything,” Yoo Mia replied in a small voice, disappointment lacing her tone.

“Oh, what did she buy you for lunch today? Was it from the restaurant you guys usually go to?” Yoo Joonghyuk stopped eating and turned his full attention to her, happily awaiting her answer.

“Mama didn’t buy food!” Yoo Mia whined. He couldn’t tell if it was just because she was hungry or if she was being a foodie who wanted the opportunity to eat anything yummy.

“…then what did you have for lunch today?” Yoo Joonghyuk’s voice grew agitated. His eyebrows twitched as he tried to keep a calm and collected front.

“Nothin’.” Yoo Mia continued to munch on her pizza. Yoo Joonghyuk, on the other hand, took some deep breaths.

‘If you’re not going to pay attention to me, at least look after your favorite child…’

Yoo Joonghyuk had already started to concoct plans to make some meals Yoo Mia could reheat when he wasn’t around. God did it make his blood boil. Why have children if you’re not going to care for them? That’s the bare minimum for a parent, isn’t it?

“Oh, it must be so hard to be a single parent, Mr. Kim…especially balancing your busy work schedule alongside raising your son.”

“Admirable, really. It’s a hassle to care for our child, and there are two of us!” The husband joked. The adults rolled into a fit of chuckles, making Kim Dokja roll his eyes.

“It’s nothing really, Dokja just happened to be an easygoing child. He’s always been obedient and quick to pick up on things. It’s a blessing to have a child that naturally gravitates towards academics; I never need to tell him anything.”

‘First I’ve heard of it…’

Kim Dokja picked up his knife and sliced into the steak on his plate. His stomach growled, but his throat felt clogged like he was going to be sick.

Why did he even have to be here in the first place? It’s not like the couple across from him were his clients. A pointless dinner with pointless guests.

Kim Dokja felt a sudden gaze on him. The anxiety and self-consciousness crawled up his skin, damn near forcing him to put the steak in his mouth.

He couldn’t tell if he was disoriented or tired, but the steak tasted like nothing in his mouth. Disgusting. It made his stomach start churning.

“It’s been a while since I’ve had such a nice home-cooked meal. Thank you for hosting us, Mrs. Yoon. Right, Dokja? We haven’t had a meal like this since your mother left.”

“…”

“Oh dear, is that right?” She gasped, giving a woeful glance at the pair.

“Y-yeah, it has been a while, thank you for hosting us,” Kim Dokja stuttered out. The couple on the other side of the table flashed a warm smile, almost forcing Kim Dokja to take another bite.

“So, about his mother—“

He choked back a gag. “Sorry, may I be excused to the washroom?”

“Of course, it’s down the hall to the left,” the man said. He pointed down the hall, and Kim Dokja did his best not to run down the hall. Instead, he kept his composure, pushing in his chair before going into the bathroom and locking the door.

At some point, he turned on the faucet and started hacking up dinner into the toilet bowl. It was a mix of natural nausea and shoving fingers down his throat to empty out his stomach. Soon enough, he flushed the toilet, rinsed his mouth, and came out.

‘Maybe I can say I’m feeling sick, then we can go home early. But do I want to be home with him? Actually, the lady will probably feel bad—‘

“Dokja, I thought you ran away or something,” his father joked. “Are you feeling okay?”

Kim Dokja gave a weak smile. He hated it when his father acted like a caring dad. It’s hard to hate him, knowing that there’s a loving side to him, even if he barely sees it.

“I’m fine…” Kim Dokja pulled at his sleeves nervously.

“Well, thank you, Mr. & Mrs. Yoon, for hosting us. It was a pleasure. I hope to see a favorable response the next time we meet.”

As soon as the door opened, they were met with heavy rain and lightning amongst the dark clouds.

“It’s not safe to go out in this weather, please, stay just until the weather settles.”

Kim Dokja’s father turned and gave the man a warm smile. “That would be much appreciated…”

“Oppa….,” Yoo Mia’s voice was quiet. She was standing in the doorway with her plushie. A stupid sunfish plushie that their father had bought her at an aquarium. He truly never knew why Yoo Mia chose such an unknown and frankly weird-looking plushie.

Yoo Joonghyuk turned to look at her in the doorway, rubbing the drowsiness from his eyes with his fists. “Mia? What happened?”

“I—I—uhm…” She stuttered. A sudden flash of light illuminated the room through the gaps in the blinds before the loud sound of thunder followed. Yoo Mia momentarily cried when she flinched.

Yoo Joonghyuk immediately got out of bed, kneeling before her. He wiped away her tears. “It’s okay,” he cooed. “Did you want to sleep with me tonight?”

“Mm…” Yoo Mia nodded, holding the ugly plushie close.

After she calmed down, Yoo Joonghyuk helped her settle in bed before getting in himself. He held her close, stroking her hair, sometimes alternating to heavy pats.

Yoo Mia still flinched at the thunder.

‘Maybe a lullaby will help her go back to sleep?’

Before he could attempt to, he realized he didn’t know any. Now looking back on it, his mother or father never did such things…

He started humming, hoping to distract her from the thunder.

“Oppa, please stop…” she mumbled.

“Why? Not scared anymore?”

“No, your singing is bad…”

“I should make you sleep on the floor.”

“No!”

“Then go to sleep.” Yoo Joonghyuk argued.

“Fine!”

Ironically, she did fall asleep within the next five minutes, leaving Yoo Joonghyuk with nothing but his thoughts.

The thunder and lightning didn’t cease in the slightest as the minutes passed.

“…it’s better to stay home anyway.” The words replayed a few times. He wished he could hit a redo button and say something else to him, like in his games. He ruminated endlessly.

And then...

“You could’ve just slept over, it’s not like you haven't before….idiot.” 

He looked down at the sleeping Yoo Mia and sighed.

"I think I'm the bigger idiot..."

Chapter Text

“Yeah, yeah, whatever…,” Kim Dokja muttered.

Every day for a week, Kim Dokja had been waiting in front of Yoo Joonghyuk’s house. It started as a coincidence—Kim Dokja just happened to get ready too early. Then, at some point, Kim Dokja dropped the excuses and flat-out asked him to walk to school together. Yoo Joonghyuk said yes every time; it’s not like he can turn someone away who was already at his door, going the same way. Yoo Joonghyuk acted calm and a bit annoyed, but truly, he didn’t want to admit how happy it made him.

Kim Dokja huffed after readjusting his bag. “Seriously, you—“ He was interrupted by his stomach.

Yoo Joonghyuk looked at him, confused. “You’re hungry already? Didn’t you eat breakfast?” They were barely making it to school, and he was already hungry? The loudness of the growl reminded him of the time he first met Kim Dokja.

“Yeah…I did. I’m not that hungry, despite what my stomach is saying. I’ll just grab something good for lunch.” Kim Dokja gave him a vaguely reassuring smile.

Liar.

Yoo Joonghyuk bit the inside of his lip, his gaze softening. He shrugged it off with a sigh. “You better.”

“What? Gonna throw me off the rooftop?”

“Maybe, we’ll find out for sure if you keep acting like a brat.”

“Since when have I been acting like a brat?” Kim Dokja’s tone was unserious. He had a cheeky smirk on his face, knowing damn well he would be playing further into it.

“Since the first day I met you, asshole.”

Kim Dokja looked almost offended if he wasn’t trying to ward off a smile. “I didn’t even do anything wrong; without me, you wouldn’t have gotten your keys back!”

“Yeah, let’s pretend you’ve done only good deeds.”

Kim Dokja punched him, not too hard to actually hurt. Just on his shoulder. Yoo Joonghyuk faked a wince before he turned to see Kim Dokja smiling like an idiot. “I have, jerk.”

And fuck, did his face feel hot. He strangled a gulp as his breathing grew heavy. The last thing he wanted was for Kim Dokja to notice his ears going red. Thankfully, Kim Dokja was still snickering at his attempt to bother Yoo Joonghyuk to notice.

It was rare for Kim Dokja to smile so freely. Oh, and how Yoo Joonghyuk wished every day was just like that moment.

Kim Dokja tried to ignore the gurgling in his stomach and the searing pain in his wrists. Yoo Joonghyuk was talking to him about his game. Or was it about his sister? Fuck, he couldn’t pay attention.

It was overstimulating. He couldn’t tell what was worse at the moment: his bruised ribs, wrists, or the throbbing headache that started not too long ago.

“—Dokja.”

Kim Dokja looked at Yoo Joonghyuk, startled. “Sorry, what were you saying again?”

“Are you okay? You’ve been out of it since lunch started.” Yoo Joonghyuk’s voice was soft; it bordered on a concerned tone. For some reason, Kim Dokja liked that. Even if Yoo Joonghyuk was as worried, it wasn’t a full-on concern that would turn into pity later.

To him, Yoo Joonghyuk was the normalcy he needed, the one person he could count on. The border between kindness and being an asshole.

“I’m fine, just…craving a cigarette,” he lied.

The corners of Yoo Joonghyuk’s lips turned downward. He sighed and started reaching into one of his pockets. “Hold out your hand.”

“Why?” Kim Dokja asked.

“Because I’m going to give you something? I know you’re not that dense.”

Kim Dokja just gave a small smile as he held out his right hand. Yoo Joonghyuk places two rectangular candies in his palm.

“Ew, coffee candy? Again?”

“Just eat it as a substitute for your cravings. You should just give up on buying a new pack because—“

“—it’s bad for your health,” Kim Dokja finished in a high-pitched mocking tone.

“Oh? So you do listen, that’s unexpected.”

Kim Dokja placed the candies to the left of him. He opened his mouth to argue back, but suddenly a bitter taste filled his mouth.

“Bleh!” Kim Dokja’s face contorted.

Yoo Joonghyuk sneered. He put a candy in Kim Dokja’s mouth when he least expected it. It was probably the best thing he had done all day.

“Asshole! Fucking disgusting…”

“Just grow up,” Yoo Joonghyuk said. He laughed to himself, and Kim Dokja couldn’t exactly look away.

He blushed and looked away. “Whatever…”

Kim Dokja hated how Yoo Joonghyuk felt. It was like a false sense of safety. He felt like he could put his guard down and rest.

At the same time, it was weird. How could he have hated this same man the moment they met? The same person he thinks of so fondly?

He put his head on his knees and wrapped his arms around himself. All he could feel was his heart racing. It was such an odd feeling. He felt embarrassed, flustered, and giddy all at the same time.

“Are you okay?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Lunch is almost over, isn’t it? We should get going.” Kim Dokja immediately got up, picking up his trash and walking off even before Yoo Joonghyuk had the chance to pack up his lunch box.

“Dokja~!” One of the girls in the class waltzed over to Kim Dokja. One of the usual dunces who comes up to Kim Dokja to ask for his notes. Then some of the other students came up to him, pleading for his notes.

Surely Kim Dokja wasn’t going to give—

“Sure, that’s fine with me.” Kim Dokja pulled his notebook out of his bag, and Yoo Joonghyuk’s blood grew hot. He was done waiting for Kim Dokja to see it for himself.

He got up and grabbed the notebook from his hand, stuffed it back into his bag, and grabbed Kim Dokja’s wrist, earning a small wince, and pulled him out of the classroom. Kim Dokja struggled to keep up with Yoo Joonghyuk’s fast and wide steps. At some point, he started to pull back, trying to get out of his grip.

“Fuck—what’s the matter with you?” Kim Dokja pulled his arm back. His eyes narrowed at Yoo Joonghyuk.

“What’s the matter with me? What’s the matter with you?”

“What are you—“

Yoo Joonghyuk cut Kim Dokja off. “Why do you let them walk all over you like that?! You and I know damn well they don’t care about their grades—they use you and discard you—“

“Yeah? And so what? I know, and I let it happen. What’s the problem with that?” Kim Dokja’s expression was one of disdain. It was probably the most irritated he had seen him in a while.

Yoo Joonghyuk’s eyebrows furrow. “It pisses me off. What do you even gain from doing that? They just see you as a nerdy pushover and will continue to do so if you keep agreeing to their every request!” Yoo Joonghyuk took a step forward, starting to close the distance between him and Kim Dokja.

“So what? I have a reputation, and I intend to keep it, Yoo Joonghyuk. What I don’t get is why you keep sticking your nose into it.”

“Because I’m your friend—“

“Friends support friends, don’t they?” Kim Dokja argued.

“Friends support friends by letting them know when they’re wrong, not by enabling them, Dokja!”

“Honestly, it doesn’t even feel like that to me—your ‘friendship’. Tell me, Joonghyuk, why are you really doing this? Calling me out now, of all times?”

“…”

“Tch—if you’re not going to answer, then let me do my own thing. I’ll take care of myself.” Kim Dokja turned to leave.

Before he could leave, Yoo Joonghyuk grabbed his arm, tugging his sleeve for him to stay.

“What—“

“How am I supposed to sit still and watch the guy I like act like everything is fine, when it clearly isn’t?! Everything you do sets you back: the smoking, the indulging of our classmates that do nothing but take and talk shit behind your back, the lack of care for yourself—I’m tired of it! Do you know how I feel when—“

“You…like me?” Kim Dokja’s voice came out small, disbelieving. It matched his dumbfounded expression.

Yoo Joonghyuk’s face went from an angry and pained expression to something relaxed, with subtle disappointment in his eyes. “That wasn’t—I…yeah, I do. That’s beside the point!”

“It’s not.” Kim Dokja collected himself. He looked at Yoo Joonghyuk tiredly, a small smile plastered on his face.

The silence only grew. Their eyes avoided one another each time eye contact was made.

“Can you just say you don’t feel the same way? Get it over with. Just say anything.” Yoo Joonghyuk’s voice was strained. Honestly, he was about to turn around and go back to class just to avoid the embarrassment.

Kim Dokja grabbed his wrist. “Who said I didn’t feel the same way?”

Yoo Joonghyuk looked at him. Kim Dokja was facing him, his eyes slightly averted, a blush taking over his face.

Yoo Joonghyuk couldn’t even begin to form a response. He was crushed between happiness and confusion.

“So you…like me too?”

“Mhm.”

“Then say it.”

“Fuck—Joonghyuk, I like you.”

“…”

“Say something, don’t make this weird.”

“Sorry, just…what are we now?”

Chapter Text

“You can’t do anything right—“

“Why do I even bother? You’re just like your mother.”

“Even your blue-collar cousin is more useful than you!”

“You can’t even do the bare minimum of what I’m asking for. You’re worthless, y’know?”

‘Useless.’

‘Worthless.’

‘Burden.’

“—“

“—!”

“Dokja?”

Kim Dokja snapped awake, looking at Yoo Joonghyuk wide-eyed. The suddenness almost had his head slip from his propped-up hand.

“Didn’t sleep last night?”

Kim Dokja blinked away the fuzziness and yawned. “Something like that.”

Yoo Joonghyuk made a disapproving noise before talking again. “So, what do you say?”

“To what?”

Yoo Joonghyuk leaned in, his voice low and quiet. It made Kim Dokja shiver, he couldn’t tell if he liked it or hated it.

“A date, you and me.”

“Oh—uhm….”

Two weeks ago, in the heat of the moment, Yoo Joonghyuk confessed he had a thing for Kim Dokja. Even though it was hard to admit, Kim Dokja felt the same way, which led to an official relationship between them. The catch? Nothing changed.

No affection, no romantic moments, no nothing. They behaved like normal. Was that supposed to happen? Aren’t they supposed to become more lovey-dovey? Kim Dokja had no clue, it was his first-ever relationship. He never thought he would get into a romantic relationship before meeting Yoo Joonghyuk.

It was a spur-of-the-moment decision—the dating part. It was either reject him and find out if they were still going to be friends, or finally obtain a boyfriend through a crush and an uncertain decision.

Of course, Kim Dokja chose whatever would keep Yoo Joonghyuk by his side. He didn’t even know what was likable about him to have Yoo Joonghyuk fall head over heels for him. Despite that, it was nice to feel like he had someone in his corner.

Which brings them to today’s topic:

“I’ve never been on a date…”

“I can tell,” Yoo Joonghyuk joked.

“And you have?” Kim Dokja asked with a cocky, disbelieving tone.

“I never said that.”

“And you’re getting on my case for never going on one…”

“That’s beside the point. Does Friday after school work for you?”

“It should. But, where are we going?”

“You’ll find out after school.”

“That’s not concerning…,” Kim Dokja muttered.

The last thing Kim Dokja expected to happen when he got home that night was a beer bottle to the head. He wasn’t even in his house for five minutes!

He stumbled back, his back hitting the wall as he clutched his head. Warming liquid started to coat his palm, streaming down his arm. Kim Dokja panted a few times, trying to ease the pain.

His father stumbled over with a half-empty bottle. His eyes pierced down at him.

“Tch, if you were half the son I wanted, none of this would’ve happened.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out a few crumbled bills, and tossed them at him. “Buy a kit from a store and get patched up—I have clients coming tomorrow.”

Kim Dokja steadily got up and tried to walk to his room. His father grabbed his shoulder, pushing him to the wall.

“I said, go to the store and get a first aid kit. What, did you get your dumbfuck mother’s hearing too?”

Kim Dokja carefully got up, now avoiding his father’s gaze as he made his way out the door. The moment it closed, he sighed and looked at his bloodied hand.

‘I already had a first aid kid in my room, drunkard.’

Thankfully, he had a small pack of tissues in his bag. He took his water bottle, spilling a little onto the tissue before cleaning up his arm and forehead. The last thing he needed was for some stranger to call an ambulance for him.

Kim Dokja shoved the tissue in his pocket and started to walk to the nearby convenience store. He straightened out the bills in his hand, counting them slowly. The moment he walked in, he bumped into a man holding a pack of cigarettes. They bumped shoulders, almost knocking Kim Dokja down. The man didn’t seem to care.

‘Asshole…’

The pack of cigarettes caught his attention. He flipped through the bills again. It was enough money for one of his usual packs.

“…”

Kim Dokja picked up a pack of those disgusting coffee candies Yoo Joonghyuk made him eat. He sighed.

“He would hate to see me smoking again…”

Kim Dokja went around the store to pick up a few things, mainly cheap instant foods. He, of course, pocketed the rest of the money; he didn’t know when he would need to for a rainy day.

By the time he got home, his father was asleep in his room. Kim Dokja immediately went to his room, walking over the broken glass, and set his things down on the floor. He pried open his desk drawer for his first aid kit.

Kim Dokja opened the camera on his phone and propped it up. His right hand pushed his bangs back.

“Shit…”

The gash was a little deeper than he thought it would be. Thankfully, it wasn’t big enough to be noticed under his bangs. He disinfected it with a wince before slapping a band-aid on it. He leaned back, sighing. The pain throbbed, not as bad as early, though.

Kim Dokja tugged at his left sleeve, lifting it slightly. He gazed at it tiredly. The white bandages had a few small stains of oxidized blood. He rushed to cover up.

He dragged himself to his bed. The mattress lay flat on the floor, worn out from the years of constant use. The dark blood stains were an eyesore on the sheets. Kim Dokja’s body grew heavy, and his knees fell to the floor as his upper half rested on the mattress.

“…”

He started to weep. His eyes stung, and he bit his lips to prevent sobs from bursting out. How pathetic—nothing was even happening and he was still crying.

“…”

“…”

“You’re lucky I have a trip out of town this weekend. You can’t even do the bare minimum and answer me?”

“Huh?”

Kim Dokja found himself in the kitchen, fork in hand. It was like he woke up from a long nap. He blinked a few times and set his fork down. “You have a trip this weekend?”

“Correct. I’ll leave some money, don’t waste it all in one place.”

“Okay.”

‘What day is it?’

He snuck his phone under the table.

‘It’s Thursday?’

Kim Dokja pursed his lips as he put his phone away. He couldn’t remember the last two days well. Only the slight flashbacks of walking to school with Yoo Joonghyuk and visiting the junkyard came back to him.

His stomach became knotted. Two days had slipped away without him noticing. It was terrifying. Was the head injury more severe than he had realized—or did he consume something bad?

His father didn’t pay any mind to hit lack of appetite for the rest of the meal. By the time Kim Dokja had gotten up, his father was already placing money on the table and going out the door with his bags.

Kim Dokja grabbed the money, flipping through the bills to get an estimate.

‘At least he cares enough not to starve me while he’s gone….’

The entirety of Friday was gone in the blink of an eye. Their class had finally ended, leaving both Yoo Joonghyuk and Kim Dokja with packed bags, ready to take off.

“Are you ready?”

“For what?” Kim Dokja tilted his head in confusion.

He could tell Yoo Joonghyuk was upset by his comment, his eyebrow twitched suddenly. “For our date.”

‘Fuck, that was today, wasn’t it?’

“Oh yeah, I’m ready. Where are we going?”

Yoo Joonghyuk sighed and recollected himself. He forced a small smile before he spoke. “Just follow me, it’ll be fun, I promise. It’s nothing extravagant, just a simple date.”

“Whatever you say,” Kim Dokja mumbled.

The trip wasn’t bad in the slightest. Yoo Joonghyuk led them to a bus stop, where they got on a bus. It took nearly ten to twenty minutes to get to their destination. From there, Yoo Joonghyuk had them walk further down the street before Kim Dokja laid his eyes upon something he had never seen in person.

“An amusement park?”

“Have you been to one before?” Yoo Joonghyuk smirked. Kim Dokja knew he looked agape, but Yoo Joonghyuk was doing too much by staring at him.

“I booked tickets in advance, so it shouldn’t take too long to get in. Let’s go.” Yoo Joonghyuk grabbed his wrist, lighter than he normally would, compared to all the times he grabbed him when he was upset with Kim Dokja.

Kim Dokja didn’t even get the opportunity to say something along the lines of ‘this is too much’ before Yoo Joonghyuk dragged him away. Before he knew it, they were in line for some ride.

“You’re fine with heights, right?”

Kim Dokja looked at the rollercoaster, examining each twist, turn, and drop. “Right. I’ll be fine.”

That he was. Kim Dokja had never experienced something so thrilling before. So when he was sprawled on the nearest bench, given how dizzy he was, he couldn’t help but be a little disappointed.

A cool bottle of water was pressed against his face, startling him.

“Let’s take a break.”

“We just started!”

“And you’re already winded,” Yoo Joonghyuk scoffed. “There’s no rush, we have the entire night.”

Kim Dokja drank from the bottle. He couldn’t argue with that logic.

I was about 8 pm when they started settling down. Kim Dokja and Yoo Joonghyuk wore wolf ears and smiles for the rest of the day. They experienced enough rides for the year. Now, they were aimlessly walking through the walkways with attractions and mascots, at least until one of them stopped the two.

“Uhm?” Kim Dokja murmured. The cat mascot didn’t speak, but rather tried to use their gestures to convey words. Kim Dokja couldn’t tell what the mascot was trying to say.

The mascot pointed at the two of them before pointing to an attraction. A photo booth of sorts.

“He’s asking us if we want to take a photo. Do you want to take one?”

“Might as well.”

The mascot stopped pointing and gave them a frantic thumbs-up before leaving. Kim Dokja and Yoo Joonghyuk gave each other a vaguely confused look before going to the photo booth.

“Are you guys here to take a photo? It’s completely free,” the woman spoke sweetly. She was fairly tall with light brown hair. She wore a pair of fox ears and a pink apron with the amusement park’s logo.

“Yes, will you be taking it?”

“Mhm. It’s a single Polaroid. Once it’s taken, it will be printed out on the spot.”

“Sounds good,” Kim Dokja said.

They put their bags near the lady before standing in front of the wall the camera was pointed at.

“What pose should we do?”

“Doesn’t matter to me.” Yoo Joonghyuk tugged Kim Dokja to quickly join him.

Yoo Joonghyuk stood slightly behind Kim Dokja, taking up the right spot. Kim Dokja tilted his head up to the right, finger-gunning under Yoo Joonghyuk’s chin. They both smiled until the flash went off.

They blinked rapidly. The lady behind the camera peeked out. “Sorry, I probably should’ve warned you I was using a flash. It didn’t cross my mind since no one has come since it turned dark. The last time I took a photo was with this family of three an hour or so ago.”

Kim Dokja rubbed his eye. “It’s okay.”

Yoo Joonghyuk picked up their bags, handing Kim Dokja his. The noise of their photo printing caught their attention.

The smiling attendant handed them their photo with two hands. “Thank you for visiting Silly Cat World!”

Yoo Joonghyuk took the photo and admired it. Kim Dokja looked down at it too before looking at Yoo Joonghyuk.

“You should keep it. I don’t have a good spot to put it,” Kim Dokja said.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. Now, come on, let’s go home before it gets colder.”

Yoo Joonghyuk slipped the photo into his bag, and they continued to walk. The crowd was thin compared to the congestion earlier in the day. It was a few families here and there winding down from the day.

He was just chatting with Yoo Joonghyuk when he saw them. His father was with a woman and a small child who seemed to be a third his age.

It’s like the amusement park lost color. The fun was over.

‘He’s been divorced for years, it’s not surprising that he’s moving on.’

Not surprisingly, but it still hurt. His father picked up the child and laughed wholeheartedly. The last time he saw him laugh like that was when he was seven or so. His father threw a bottle at him not even a week ago, yet he looked so happy with a child that probably wasn’t even his own.

His father didn’t even tell him—fuck what did he tell him? A business trip?

Was his father that ashamed of him? A burden he tried to hide from his new, developing family? It’s not a new concept. Who would want to bring a near-adult into a new, wholesome family like that?

Kim Dokja was probably holding his father back.

“Dokja?”

Kim Dokja turned his head. “Yes?”

“Are you okay? You stopped walking all of a sudden.”

Kim Dokja bit the inside of his cheek before averting his gaze. “I’m fine, I just thought I saw something. Let’s go, it’s getting late.”

The walk home would’ve been entirely silent had Yoo Joonghyuk not tried to start up some conversations.

Kim Dokja couldn’t hold them. He couldn’t help but be hyperaware of what he was saying, so he just stopped talking altogether.

‘I’m burdening Yoo Joonghyuk, aren’t I?’

‘He could’ve spent this time on his little sister instead of wasting money to bring me to an amusement park.’

‘It’s selfish of me to cling to him like this…’

“Did you want to come back to my house?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked.

Kim Dokja thought for a second. “No, it’s late. I’m just going to go home.”

Yoo Joonghyuk reacted subtly to Kim Dokja’s indifferent tone. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. I’ll see you on Monday, okay?” Kim Dokja forced a small smile.

As much as Yoo Joonghyuk wanted to protest, he went along with it. “Okay, I’ll see you on Monday. Get home safe.”

Kim Dokja walked away. The further he got, the faster his steps became.

‘It would be better if I could stop burdening both of them…’

Chapter Text

Kim Dokja was acting odd. Odder than usual, that is. It wasn’t unusual for Kim Dokja to be silent for long periods of time or go off to do his own thing. That itself was never a problem.

It was the fact that Kim Dokja was never present in the moment and acted like everything was sunshine and rainbows. He’d respond only after Yoo Joonghyuk called his name a few hundred times. He would have a dazed, tired expression on his face, but only when someone was around would he put on a smile and act cheerful.

It kept Yoo Joonghyuk on edge. He didn’t know what was going on with him. Every time he thought he was getting closer and closer to figuring out Kim Dokja, it would be revealed that, clearly, he didn’t know him well enough yet. The worst part? He couldn’t even confront him. Any time Yoo Joonghyuk asks about his well-being, he would be hit with “I’m fine,” “I’m okay,” “It’s nothing”.

If anything, it made him feel guilty. The slight nervousness that he was overthinking everything and accusing his friend—his now boyfriend, of a problem that might not even exist. If anything, it shows that he doesn’t trust Kim Dokja.

A weight landed on his shoulder as he was examining the Polaroid in his hand. Kim Dokja looked at the Polaroid, a faint smile on his face.

“It’s a nice picture,” Kim Dokja murmured.

“It is,” Yoo Joonghyuk agreed.

That was also unlike his usual Kim Dokja. He was too docile for normal. Too cuddled up for someone who often shied away from physical touch.

“Are you…tired?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked.

“A little bit.”

“Do you want to come over after school? I can make us some—“

“Sorry, I’m busy.”

Kim Dokja’s face was straight and lacked expression. Even his voice lacked any indication of emotion.

“With what?”

Kim Dokja’s response was delayed. “My father wanted me to attend a client dinner with him. I said I would go.”

I don’t believe you.

“Well, I can’t do anything about that. You can come over some other day.” Yoo Joonghyuk tucked the Polaroid into a book with a worn-out, bright blue cover. It had an odd face on it with the title being ‘The Great Gatsby’.

“What’s the book about?” Kim Dokja asked.

“I don’t know yet. I barely started it. I’ll tell you about it when I do, though. Let’s head back, lunch is about to be over.”

“Okay.” Kim Dokja got up from the floor, avoiding Yoo Joonghyuk’s usual assistance.

Why are you avoiding me?

Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t feel anything but hurt when Kim Dokja stopped coming to his house for a week. Then, like a flick of a switch, he started coming over again, far more enthusiastic than before. It was dizzying.

First, he stopped coming, then, without fail, he started coming over to his house? Every time Kim Dokja had a bright smile on his face. It was both comforting and confusing.

‘Maybe he just had a tough few weeks…’

“Are you almost done with the food?” Kim Dokja asked.

Yoo Joonghyuk came out of the kitchen with a plate of fried chicken wings with a deep colored, sweet, and savory glaze. “What do you think?”

“Smells good.”

“Careful, it’s hot.” Yoo Joonghyuk set down the plate and disappeared into the kitchen, returning with two cans of Coke and plates.

“Before we eat, I wanted to give you a present.” Kim Dokja started digging into his backpack, pulling out a small, black velvet box. He slid it across the table to Yoo Joonghyuk.

Yoo Joonghyuk took it with a raised eyebrow and opened the box. Inside was a silver pocket watch with detailed engravings. He scooped it out, running his fingers against the cold grooves.

“I thought of you when I saw it—“

“It looks expensive…how much was it?”

“It wasn’t too expensive. It’s a little gift—a thank you for all the times you gave me food.” Kim Dokja gave him a small smile before turning his attention to the plate of chicken wings.

“Thank you, but don’t spend your money recklessly on me. This looks like it costs more than your entire life savings.”

“It wasn’t, I promise. I got it from a second-hand store.”

As much as Yoo Joonghyuk wanted to protest, it was the first gift Kim Dokja gave him. It was thoughtful in his book. It wasn’t a stereotypical gift. Who looks at a pocket watch and says, ‘oh wow, __ would like this’?

“Thank you, I’ll cherish it.” Yoo Joonghyuk put the pocket watch back into the box with care before closing it. “Now enough talking, more eating.”

Yoo Joonghyuk was surprised to see Kim Dokja’s backpack still at his house. Usually, when Kim Dokja left, he would take all his stuff with him, especially on a Sunday before school.

Yoo Joonghyuk pulled out his phone and called him. He turned to the backpack immediately when he heard it buzzing. With little effort, he pulled Kim Dokja’s phone out of the bag.

“Where would I find him on a Sunday…,” Yoo Joonghyuk muttered to himself.

Then a glint of white paper caught his attention. It was a folded-up piece of paper with nothing written on the exterior. When he opened it, his eyes were met with the words ‘I’m sorry’.

That alone made his stomach drop.

It was a short letter.

I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Move on and find someone else.

No explanation, nothing. It was a painfully Kim Dokja thing to do. Yoo Joonghyuk turned Kim Dokja’s phone on and typed his password.

0803

His birthday.

Kim Dokja never told Yoo Joonghyuk his password, but after seeing what it was for the first time after a quick glance, how could he forget?

The phone opened and he started going through everything. His calls, apps, and finally his search history. The most recent searches were from last night.

Train times
How to get to Han River
How far is Han River

The innocent searches made his stomach churn. With little thought, Yoo Joonghyuk threw his and Kim Dokja’s stuff into the backpack and left the house with nothing more than his phone, keys, and wallet.

First, he sped walked, then ran, and then he slumped on one of the seats on the train. Finally, he took a taxi to Han River. The sky was fading from orange and pink to the deep dark of the night.

‘Please, please, just let it be me overthinking.’

He was running frantically, searching for anything that resembled Kim Dokja.

He wanted it to be just an awful thought. Just an idea with no standing in reality. No matter how much he wished, those slight moments rushed back to him. Kim Dokja’s tired face. The way he was silent, then talkative. His attention

Almost like fate did he saw the faint white jacket he let Kim Dokja take a few days ago in the water.

‘Please—please—! Let it be a gut feeling. Don't take him from me.’

Yoo Joonghyuk threw the backpack to the side and rushed into the water. His pants clung to him as the chill of the water invaded his bones. His eyes stung and his breath grew labored as he moved further and further into the water.

Eventually, he grabbed onto the hand of the person and tugged them close, holding them. The water crashed over them, keeping them beneath the water. Yoo Joonghyuk prevailed, his head rising over the water, desperately breathing in air.

He was able to swim to shore, pulling out Kim Dokja’s cold body and slamming it flat onto the grass.

“Dokja! Please—wake up…,” Yoo Joonghyuk’s voice came out strained and shrill as he tried not to cry. He gently hit Kik Dokja’s face. No reaction.

He immediately placed interlocked hands in the middle of his chest, starting compressions. After a minute or two, he tilted Kim Dokja’s head and pinched his nose. He gave him a few breaths before going back to chest compression.

Yoo Joonghyuk’s heart thumped wildly until Kim Dokja started coughing. Water spurted from his mouth, making Yoo Joonghyuk turn him over and rub his back.

He sighed in relief. ‘He wasn’t in there long then…’

Kim Dokja choked out more water until he was heaving. He quickly looked back. He looked like a deer confronted with headlights.

“Are you okay? Let’s go to a hospital—“

“Why’d you do that?” Kim Dokja's voice was tired and cold.

“You mean save you—“

“I didn’t want to be saved! Fuck, who tries to drown themselves with the intention of wanting to be saved?! I didn’t want to be saved—Yoo Joonghyuk—especially not by you!” He curled up, facing away from Yoo Joonghyuk.

“Do you know how I felt seeing you in the river? Knowing my gut feeling may have been true—and that it was you in there? That I could’ve lost you right now?”

“Just go home, Joonghyuk—I don’t want to—“

“What talk to me? No, you’re going to talk to me. I’m sick of tired of playing the guessing game and allowing you to do whatever the hell you want while I’m stuck in the dark! If I wasn’t playing along with you the entire time and chose to get to the bottom of whatever the fuck you’re feeling—just maybe, maybe you, we, wouldn’t be here right now!”

“Shut up—please shut up—I don’t care! I-I don’t care! I hate you—I really do. Leave me alone just—“

Yoo Joonghyuk smacked him before grabbing both of his shoulders, holding him firmly.

“Stop lying. I’m tired of it. Stop running away from me—please just talk to me. Stop hiding from me and just let me be there for you for once.”

Kim Dokja was listening as he touched the red mark on his face. Tears streamed down his face, and his body collapsed onto Yoo Joonghyuk.

Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t say much more. He could tell doing that would get them nowhere in the moment. He merely held Kim Dokja in a tight embrace as the cool air made them shiver.

Night had overtaken the sky, the glow of the moon illuminating it.

“We’re going to a doctor or something, you don’t get a say in this…”

Kim Dokja didn’t say anything. He allowed Yoo Joonghyuk to pull him up and helped him walk to the road. Yoo Joonghyuk kept Kim Dokja’s bag on his other shoulder and caught a cab to the train station.

Everyone looked at them. Who wouldn’t? The pair had soaked clothes and looked like they had gone to hell and back, yet no one approached them.

The train stopped, and people left and came in. A particular group of ladies came in, giggling like they were about to go to a club.

White hair tied into a ponytail and a red smile caught Yoo Joonghyuk’s eye. The lady’s eyes widened when she saw him.

“Joonghyuk?”

Chapter Text

“Joonghyuk?”

“Nurse Seolhwa?”

“What are you guys doing on the train so late? And why are you soaked?” She frantically asked. It was damn near freezing outside; seeing anyone in soaked clothes in this weather would be a concern.

“Accident, we were thinking of heading to the hospital, but…Dokja isn’t fond of them.”

Nurse Seolhwa thought for a moment. Her eyes flickered between the two. “It looks like we’re going the same way. Why don’t the two of you come home with me briefly?”

Yoo Joonghyuk lifted his head in surprise. Not in a million years would he expect Nurse Seolhwa to invite them over. Was that even allowed? She was a faculty member and probably the only adult Yoo Joonghyuk trusted at that school.

“Just a quick check up, the hospital down there is temporarily closed. If I don’t check you guys out, I’ll be worried all night…”

Yoo Joonghyuk glanced over at Kim Dokja. His skin was freezing, his teeth were chattering, and, worst of all, he had a dead, blank stare. All he wanted to do was go home. But, it was an opportunity to make sure Kim Dokja was okay without resorting to going to the doctors.

“Thank you…”

It took them two stops to arrive. Surprisingly, Nurse Seolhwa lived within a couple of blocks of Yoo Joonghyuk. Makes sense, it’s within the radius of the school.

‘At least we can walk home from here…’

Yoo Joonghyuk dragged Kim Dokja with him into Nurse Seolhwa’s house. She turned on her lights and rubbed her hands together for heat as she walked to the thermostat. She pulled out some chairs from her dining table.

“Take a seat, I’ll be right back.”

She disappeared into the room over, coming out with a stethoscope, first aid kit, and towels. Nurse Seolhwa threw the towels over them.

“Try to get as dry as possible. I don’t have a car at the moment, so you’ll have to walk home from here.”

Yoo Joonghyuk immediately ruffled his hair with the towel before patting down his clothes. Kim Dokja, on the other hand, grabbed the towel and brought it close, like a blanket. Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t say much. Instead, he used his towel to dry Kim Dokja’s hair.

“Who’s first?” Nurse Seolhwa asked as she started putting on her stethoscope.

“Dokja.”

Kim Dokja didn’t protest. Nurse Seolhwa scooted up her chair and carefully moved the towel off of him. She put the stethoscope on his chest.

“Can you take a deep breath for me?”

Kim Dokja didn’t comply.

“Please? It’ll make this faster, and you can avoid going to the hospital if there’s nothing wrong…”

Kim Dokja wordlessly took a deep breath. She moved it to his back, repeating her instructions. She took a moment to examine him for any head injuries.

“As far as I can tell, your lungs sound fine. I would prefer if you went to a hospital for a thorough examination.”

She moved on to Yoo Joonghyuk, repeating the same processing.

“Are you going to report this incident?”

“Why would I do that, Joonghyuk?”

“You’re a staff member, isn’t it mandatory?”

“When I’m on the clock. I’m currently your friendly, board-certified medical practitioner, who happens to want to be a reliable adult.”

Yoo Joonghyuk gave her a disbelieving look. Nurse Seolhwa just scoffed and smiled at him.

“I think it would do more harm than good to report this incident. Kim Dokja’s father seems to be the unreliable type. It wouldn’t solve anything to report an incident that will be dismissed. I’ve seen it countless times. I believe it’s better to do my part when I can.”

“I see,” Yoo Joonghyuk muttered.

“Anyway, you’re just fine as well.” She sat straight in her chair. “While you two are here, do you want tea or hot chocolate? Something to warm you up.”

Yoo Joonghyuk glanced at Kim Dokja. His eyes were still on the floor, and it looked like he was shaking.

“Thank you, but I think we’re going to go home,” Yoo Joonghyuk said as he stood up. He stood in front of Kim Dokja, helping him up from the chair.

Nurse Seolhwa didn’t protest. She gave them a soft, motherly look. “If you need anything, you know where my office is.”

Yoo Joonghyuk and Kim Dokja walked to the front door, Nurse Seolhwa following suit.

“Thank you, Nurse Seolhwa…”

They left, closing the door behind them. The breeze of the freezing night prickles their skin. And just like that, they started their walk back to Yoo Joonghyuk’s house.

When they got there, unsurprisingly, his family wasn’t home. Just a note saying they had some emergency. Typical.

Yoo Joonghyuk tossed Kim Dokja’s backpack to the side and helped him upstairs. He opened the bathroom, turned on the light, closed the toilet seat, and sat Kim Dokja down on top. Kim Dokja’s expression hadn’t changed since they had gotten back from Nurse Seolhwa’s.

Yoo Joonghyuk knelt to look at his face. “Take a shower. I’ll bring some clothes, okay?”

Kim Dokja didn’t respond, but Yoo Joonghyuk closed the door and went to his room to dig through his drawers. Eventually, he chose an old pair of drawstring sweatpants and a soft shirt, and his usual set of pajamas for himself. He came back, standing outside the door.

Yoo Joonghyuk was initially going to leave the clothes at the door and leave, but the absence of the water running from behind the door led him to go in. Kim Dokja hadn’t moved from his spot. His head was lowered with his hand over his eyes.

Yoo Joonghyuk’s heart sank. “Dokja, is it okay if I help you bathe?”

There was a slight hesitation before Kim Dokja nodded. Yoo Joonghyuk moved to turn on the water. In the meantime, Yoo Joonghyuk stripped himself of his clothes before helping Kim Dokja undress.

The sudden sight of the bandages on his wrist caught his attention. For the first time tonight, Kim Dokja had a strong reaction. His face twitched, eyebrows furrowed, lips trembled. He still didn’t speak.

“I’m going to remove these, okay? They’re going to get wet and we’ll have to replace them anyway.”

Kim Dokja didn’t protest.

Yoo Joonghyuk carefully peeled away the soaked bandages, revealing the countless scars. He bit his lip. The last thing he should do is thoughtlessly comment on it. Thus, he led them to the bathtub. He helped Kim Dokja settle in first before he followed suit.

The bath, although warm, felt scalding against their freezing skin. They sat there for a couple of minutes before Yoo Joonghyuk moved to grab the essentials: soap, shampoo, conditioner, and a washcloth. He carefully shampooed Kim Dokja's hair, taking extra time to massage his scalp. He didn't react or talk. Yoo Joonghyuk carefully went over Kim Dokja’s body with the cloth. From his legs, neck, and torso, before scrubbing his arms. He barely brushed over his wrists, examining them closely. Some were healed, while others looked like they were barely closing up. 

The slight flinch reminded him of all the times he would wince as soon as he firmly gripped his wrist. He sighed, resting his hand on Kim Dokja’s shoulder. The situation was far too new and serious to even begin to know what to do about it. What could he say?

After a moment of silence, he spoke. “You don’t have to speak if you don’t want to. I won’t ask. Just know I still love you,” he said softly.

‘Love you’

It felt so odd saying it out loud. Within his last 17 years of life, he had probably said it a handful of times. Most of those times we’re probably towards Yoo Mia. That fact did not make what he said any less of a lie. His face became warm after saying it. 

Eventually, they got out. They were both dried and dressed within minutes, and now lay in Yoo Joonghyuk’s bed, wrapped up in the thick blanket he often gave to Kim Dokja when he slept over. Yoo Joonghyuk held Kim Dokja against him, petting his hair to soothe him. There was silence for a while. Kim Dokja shifted now and then, never really finding a comfortable position. Then there was a weak tug at his shirt, catching his attention.

“I’m sorry,” Kim Dokja whispered.

“For what?”

“For everything. For being a burden, useless, almost getting you killed, causing trouble, never being present in the moment, snapping at you when you’re only trying to help—“

“Don’t. Don’t apologize for those things. I’m not mad. Well, I am partially upset about one or two of those things….You’re not a burden by any means, though. No matter how much of a pain you try to be.” Yoo Joonghyuk lifted Kim Dokja’s arm, making his hand cradle his face as he kissed the scars that littered his wrist. “I’m sorry for not doing something earlier. I thought if I was complicit and let you do things your way, everything would work out. I wish I had acted sooner.”

“It’s not your fault, idiot.”

“You’re the idiot, idiot,” Yoo Joonghyuk retorted. The two chuckled softly. Kim Dokja snuggled closer to Yoo Joonghyuk.

Yoo Joonghyuk’s arms tightened around Kim Dokja. “I love you. I didn’t realize it before. When I saw you in the water, I just…thought I couldn’t live without you. You’ve become a core and influential part of my life, to the point you’re ingrained into every sentence I spill.”

“Someone’s become more poetic ever since they started reading…”

“Shut up…”

They went silent for a moment. Kim Dokja cleared his throat. Yoo Joonghyuk looked down at him, waiting for whatever he was about to say. What he didn’t expect to hear was everything. From Kim Dokja’s father’s abuse to the academic pressure to the absence of his mother to the depressive thoughts. Everything.

Yoo Joonghyuk was speechless for a moment, stuck on what to say next. He pulled Kim Dokja in, a quick squeeze before he pulled back.

“Thank you—for telling me that. You didn’t have to,” Yoo Joonghyuk muttered.

“I wanted to. You’re going to stick around whether I like it or not, aren’t you?”

“Definitely. I’m too used to your ploys for you to be able to push me away.” Yoo Joonghyuk gave Kim Dokja a reassuring smile. Yoo Joonghyuk went silent, ruminating. How nice would it be to get away from it all?

“Hey.”

“What is it now, Joonghyuk?”

“We’re graduating soon. Let’s run away after we graduate. I mean, you turn 18 before then, right? Your dad has no legal authority over you. You can stay with me until we can go to college or move away.”

Kim Dokja looked at him wide-eyed. “That’s a bold plan. We don’t have money—at least I don’t. I spent my savings on that pocket watch.”

“We can always get jobs and save up. It can just be you and me doing our own thing. Just start a new life. Wouldn't it be nice? Us in our own house or apartment?”

It was a bold plan. Yoo Joonghyuk himself didn’t know if they could pull it off or not, but he was willing to try. Kim Dokja could get away from his abusive father, and he could get away from his neglectful family. Go to college, experience everything, have a good life, maybe come home and take Yoo Mia with him if possible.

“Fine, let’s do it. We don’t have much to lose anyway, now do we?”

“Maybe our lives?”

“Then we’ll be partners in life and death.” Kim Dokja chuckled, realizing how corny he sounded.

“Is that your wedding vow to me?” Yoo Joonghyuk said smugly.

“Calm down, we haven’t even graduated, much less been dating for that long.”

“You know what I mean…”

“Do I?” Kim Dokja smirked, and Yoo Joonghyuk pulled the blanket over his face in retaliation. “Hey!”

Then, not much long after, they both fell asleep, leaving them to dream comfortably for the first time in years.

Chapter Text

“What are you reading this time?” Kim Dokja was rummaging through the junkyard, looking for empty glass bottles and cans to recycle, passing Yoo Joonghyuk as he brought his half-filled bag to the center.

He had no more money, especially after spending whatever he had left on that pocket watch. With Christmas coming up, he desperately needed it, now that he had someone to buy a present for.

A few weeks had passed. Kim Dokja struggled, relapsed, and snapped at Yoo Joonghyuk a few hundred times, but after so very long, they finally reached a peaceful point in their life.

Mainly because Kim Dokja avoided going home whenever possible. His father was busy with a whole other family, wasn’t he? It’s not like he would notice Kim Dokja hadn’t been home for days at a time.

He no longer slept on a worn-out mattress. He no longer starved or settled for cheap and almost expired gimbap at the convenience store to fill his stomach. He no longer felt the need to stay up endlessly to study and reach a spot in the class he didn’t even want in the first place, though he wouldn’t mind taking it for bragging rights.

It was just warm and comfortable days. Whether it was at school, the junkyard, or Yoo Joonghyuk’s house, it was enjoyable. A stark difference from how life was just a few weeks ago.

Now life was worth living.

Yoo Joonghyuk closed the book, leaving his thumb between the pages as a bookmark. The book cover was a dull red with an upside-down dog hole on the cover. “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time.”

Kim Dokja dropped the bag and sat in the old lawn chair next to him. “That’s…quite a title. What is it about?”

“A young boy with autism who is trying to solve the case involving his neighbor’s dead dog? I think?”

Kim Dokja scoffed. “What do you mean ‘I think?’”

“The narration is interesting but a bit hard to follow, and I just started it.” Yoo Joonghyuk looked over to Kim Dokja. “Are you giving up for today?”

“Might as well, it’s freezing out here.” He sighed, white vapor disappearing in the wind. “Also, can I borrow that book once you’re done with it? I finished the other ones you let me borrow.”

Yoo Joonghyuk slid a bookmark between the pages before putting the book back into his bag. He grabbed his and Kim Dokja’s bags. “My house?”

“Isn’t your family home?”

“They’re supposed to be, but it doesn’t matter. They won’t say anything to you anyway.” Kim Dokja frowned a bit knowing Yoo Joonghyuk was stuck in the same situation he was born in. No progress of any sort it seemed.

“Alright, let’s go to your house. I’m pretty sure I left extra clothes there, right?”

“Right.” Yoo Joonghyuk handed Kim Dokja his bag and held his hand.

The walk back to the house was relatively peaceful. The sky was becoming dark and the clouds covered any appearing stars. Thankfully, they got the front door before it turned pitch black.

Yoo Joonghyuk noticed the lights inside and used his keys to unlock the door. They were welcomed with a gush of warm air. Yoo Mia turned her head at the noise of the door opening and immediately rushed to Yoo Joonghyuk. Kim Dokja just smiled and started taking off his shoes.

Yoo Joonghyuk picked Yoo Mia up and squeezed her. “Got bored without me?”

“Mhm…”

Before he could ask her anything else, rushed footsteps approached him. His mother.

She was fairly tall, though she stood shorter than Yoo Joonghyuk. Her eyes were sharp, mirroring his. Black wavy hair tossed into a low ponytail. There were a few lines on her face. He doesn’t remember the last time he got a good look at his mother. It was painfully obvious it had been a while. She looked older. Not like the youthful and stressed woman who went through her 20s working for a livable income as he had remembered.

“Took you long enough to get home!”

“You were looking for me?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked softly. It was the first time in a while she talked face-to-face with him.

“Of course I was? What were you doing out so late?”

Something tugged at Yoo Joonghyuk’s heart. He had tried to cast away any hope of his parents properly acknowledging him. Now that he was faced with it, he was simply melting. “I-I was just—“

“Wanna know what, I don’t care. Your father is stuck somewhere near his work because his car got a flat. Watch Mia.”

It was then that Yoo Joonghyuk snapped out of it. She wore a larger trench coat that was completely bundled up accompanied by a scarf looped around her neck. She had her purse in her hand and her keys in the other. His mother wasn’t welcoming him home, she was waiting for him to come back so she could leave.

“I will,” he muttered coldly.

Just like that she left, Kim Dokja watched, just a bit shocked at the interaction. He hung his coat and scarf on the coat rack and stepped up to put his hand on Yoo Joonghyuk’s shoulder.

Kim Dokja was no expert at comforting people. He couldn’t even comfort himself. So he did the one thing he knew how to do.

“Wanna watch a movie? We can binge the entirety of Harry Potter since it’s Friday.”

And the thing he was the best at was changing the subject.

Yoo Joonghyuk looked at Kim Dokja and smiled. “Maybe after Mia falls asleep. I don’t think any of the movies are age-appropriate for her.”

“I guess. Maybe when she’s a little older then. It’s the best time of the year to watch it.”

“Agreed. But anyway…,” Yoo Joonghyuk’s voice trailed off. He turned to look at Yoo Mia. “What do you feel like having for dinner today?”

“Crepes!” Yoo Mia perked up. “With lots of whipped cream and strawberries!” Her eyes sparkled at the thought.

Even if Yoo Joonghyuk could make crepes from whatever he could scrape up from around the house, Yoo Mia would be on a sugar high for the whole night.

“No crepes, choose an actual meal.”

She pouted but didn’t protest. “Dumplings?”

“Okay, dumplings it is.” Yoo Joonghyuk gave a delighted smile. It was his favorite meal after all. It definitely suited a cold day too.

“Do you want help in the kitchen?” Kim Dokja asked.

Although Kim Dokja was much better now, he didn’t exactly trust him to handle a knife, even around him. The thought alone was anxiety-inducing. Aside from that, Kim Dokja wouldn’t be in the slightest—be a good cook. After all, he lived off of premade gimbap, instant ramen, and air… It was a recipe for disaster.

“No, I’m good. Could you watch Mia while I’m cooking? She’s usually well behaved but sometimes she gets into mischief.”

“Yeah, I can do that.” Kim Dokja sat on the couch near Yoo Mia. Yoo Joonghyuk got busy in the kitchen while Kim Dokja and Yoo Mia watched cartoons, occasionally having a small spat about something.

Yoo Joonghyuk took off his apron and set it aside and simply watched Kim Dokja and Yoo Mia on the couch as the dumplings were steaming and the soup was cooking

Eventually, they were bunched up on the end of the table, Yoo Joonghyuk in the middle of the two.

“Whoa, these are good?” Kim Dokja said with a full mouth.

“When is my cooking not good?”

“True, but these are really good.”

Yoo Mia had already downed most of the dumplings in her bowl by the time Yoo Joonghyuk turned his attention to her.

“Is it good? Do you want more?”

Yoo Mia replied in a sweet voice. “Yes please.”

Soon dinner came to an end. Yoo Joonghyuk, Kim Dokja, and Yoo Mia were cozy under a blanket, with Yoo Mia between the two. She eagerly watched a Christmas special as the two whispered amongst themselves.

“I can come over during break, right?”

“Yeah, of course. Are you going to stay the whole break?”

“If you let me.”

At some point, Yoo Mia slumped against Yoo Joonghyuk, fast asleep. Yoo Joonghyuk looked at her warmly before picking her up and tucking her into bed. He returned and sat back down, his expression neither a smile nor a frown. The silence started to grow until Kim Dokja decided to read between the lines.

“We can’t choose our parents, no matter how shitty they are. I think both of us know that well.”

“Yeah…”

“And when we’re 18, we don’t have to be around them anymore.”

“Mhm…”

Kim Dokja had an idea of what Yoo Joonghyuk was feeling. He knew his parents were trash and he should pay them no mind, but he couldn’t. Just like how he hopes his mother would come back and his father would finally stop putting expectations and hands on him. An old dream for both of them.

“Well uhm…did you want to binge Harry Potter?”

“Might as well.” Yoo Joonghyuk grabbed the remote and started flipping through movies to find the first one. Before the movie started Yoo Joonghyuk suddenly leaned in and gave Kim Dokja a quick peck on the lips, startling him.

Kim Dokja grew a bit bashful as Yoo Joonghyuk smirked. “Thanks.”

“Thank you my ass, it’s like you were waiting to do that.”

“Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t.”

“You—“

“Shh, the movie is starting.” Yoo Joonghyik put a finger up to Kim Dokja’s lips. Kim Dokja grabbed a pillow that’s as to the right of him and slammed it down on Yoo Joonghyuk’s head.

“Oh, I didn’t know you wanted to fight tonight?” Yoo Joonghyuk said smugly.

“I’m declaring war.”

“You’re on.”

Suddenly, the movie was just an afterthought as soon as pillows started flying.

In just three months Kim Dokja will turn 18. He can move in and it could be like this every day. Him, Kim Dokja, and Yoo Mia. Until his parents argue with him or try to kick him out.

That’s a problem for future him. Now, all he had to worry about was graduating with Kim Dokja.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5:

I’m mainly going to talk about the last bit of the chapter with Kim Dokja, his father, and Yoo Joonghyuk. That last scene where Kim Dokja was expressionless, I really think about Penelope from “Villains are Destined to Die/Death is the Only Ending for the Villainess” and her expressionless face where it’s a mix of lack of expression and despair.

Yoo Joonghyuk got especially uncomfortable with Kim Dokja’s dad because of bad vibes. Like instantly bad vibes as if Kim Dokja’s reaction wasn’t telling enough.

Chapter 6:

Kim Dokja doesn’t really have nice clothes because his dad barely takes care of him enough to keep up outwardly appearances, that’s it.

Kim Dokja also gets offended with Yoo Joonghyuk accusing him of being drunk because of how his father gets drunk. I imagine he swears off ever drinking and would never do so under any circumstance (unless?).

Chapter 7:

Kim Dokja pushes and pulls with relationships. He wants to get close but then again, he doesn’t. He had a lot to hide but doesn’t seem to have that type of care with Yoo Joonghyuk a lot.

The shaky hand bit was total irl inspo. My hands already hurt so when they started lowkey shaking I looked it up. Apparently lack of sleep + stress + caffeine can make your hands shake. But that’s the college experience, lol.

Chapter 8:

Kim Dokja doesn’t have a proper bed btw, or a proper heater. He sleeps on an old mattress and the lack of a heater makes his room cold enough to keep him awake. That came to fruition when my school turned the gym to fucking freezing during the PSAT/ASVAB. Like seriously I had a long sleeve and jacket on and I was still shaking! But whatever keeps a student alert enough to do their work, right?

Chapter 9:

Kim Dokja clearly doesn’t like sharing his life with Yoo Joonghyuk, huh? Doesn’t want any pity from someone he’s gotten close too. Other than that I think the chapter was self explanatory and needs little to no explanation.

Chapter 10:

In this chapter I wanted to give some insight to Kim Dokja’s life a bit prior to what was currently happening in the story in this point in time. The part of the flashbacks were the POVs you didn’t see that fit into the story. Like when Kim Dokja was gone for a few days, why he was vomiting blood, why he (kinda) feels the way he does. I’m not sure if that was clear in the chapter that those were the parts you simply didn’t see since everything was from Yoo Joonghyuk’s point of view.

Chapter 11:

I think it’s clear (at least I hope it is) that Kim Dokja’s initial coping mechanism is smoking. Where things goes wrong or he’s stressed out, he smokes. In this chapter (I don’t know if it was obvious enough) Kim Dokja is having a panic attack. I based it off of my own experiences with panic attacks as well as a few symptoms from google to make it a bit more visual (at least that was the intention). Kim Dokja is very overwhelmed, upset, and angry and disgusted with himself during this whole thing that he knows he needs to calm down. Since he doesn’t have access to cigarettes, as a person who lacks care for their own well being and safety, he opts to hurt himself to bring himself back to a moment of clarity, which really evolves into a whole new coping mechanism.

Chapter 12 (Sarah, Plain, and Tall & And Then There Were None):

I love coffee candy. That’s it. That’s literally why it’s in the fic. I dislike coffee with a passion, but for some reason I like the taste of coffee candy. The specific candy I’m referring to is “Kopiko” specifically the original rectangle one, but the cappuccino one is good too!

Yoo Joonghyuk comes off as a person who likes complex and rich flavors rather than something that “tastes” good, if that makes sense. That’s why he doesn’t specifically like spicy buldak, the spicy part makes it taste good but that’s it, there’s nothing else to it. I mainly thought this because of the fact Yoo Joonghyuk is quite the chef of sort in the novel. Kim Dokja on the other hand, does not care for flavor complexity. If it tastes good, it tastes good, which is why he is utterly disgusted yet addicted to coffee candy. It’s kinda good but he can’t appreciate his flavor like Yoo Joonghyuk, lol.

Yoo Joonghyuk uses this as Kim Dokja’s replacement for cigarettes (well hopes to). Disgusting but addicting, kind of like cigarettes (they’re not disgusting at all, I just bought a whole new bag, yummy).

Now for “Sarah, Plain, and Tall”. It was a book I read in fourth grade that I really liked. I’m a book nerd, sue me. I’m a freak who likes old classics and stuff like that, though they can be lowkey boring at times. I loved the books I read in school! It’s essentially about a widowed husband who ends up bringing home a new wife. It’s about creating new bonds, coping, and family. I mentioned this book specifically because it kind of emphasizes how home isn’t a place but rather love and connections. Kim Dokja and Yoo Joonghyuk come from families that are broken and neglectful, families not homes. There’s really a difference between the two. But, I used it to show how their relationship grows into something more romantic because they eventually find a home within one another. They find the concern, care, love, and comfort they didn’t get from their families when they are with each other, even if it isn’t blatantly obvious in how they show it. Being in a room with someone you care about means a hell of a lot more than hanging out with your opp, y’know?

“And Then There Were None” was just a mystery book I read on my own. I was supposed to read “Murder on the Orient Express” (also written by Agatha Christie, part of her Detective Poirot series) but didn’t since Covid (I was supposed to read it for eighth grade English). Honestly didn’t like it for the longest time because in my head I would read it in the most terrible, thick, and annoying French accent. I’m rambling now, but And Then There Were None…I’m not gonna explain this one too much. A spoiler! It’s no fun if I spoil the surprise guys! But, if you already read it, you know what it’s about and you know the plot twist. Use that to your advantage, because I will say that the book is a vague (very vague) foreshadowing to a plot point later in the story.

 Chapter 13:

Honestly the whole side plot with Kim Dokja’s dad wasn’t even going to be a thing but I made it a thing. I really wanted there to be an internal struggle between loving and hating your parents. Sometimes your parents do or say the most hurtful and unforgiving things imaginable, but then they act sweet and normal and it feels wrong to hate them to a degree. Like you’re over thinking it.

I also think as a child you’re more likely to have a parent you “prefer”. Like there’s probably a reason why you ask one parent if you can do something before you ask the other, right? I wanted to add that to the story, the childish thought process of being the “good” parent and the “bad” parent. Black and white. Except in this case Kim Dokja simply didn’t see how wrong he was until he noticed how much of a douche his dad is.

I also wanted to make Kim Dokja blame himself for everything because I mean, why not? He likes to burden himself with everything as well as self-sabotage.

Also, of course, reading is a HUGE part of Kim Dokja’s character. Since his mother was associated with his love to read, his father banned him from books, as well to keep his focus on his academics. But since Kim Dokja was forced to not do what he loved, his initial coping mechanism, that’s what led him to a deeper path of poor coping mechanisms.

That bit where his books were thrown out was inspired by this scene in one of the Tokyo Ghoul light novels (Days or Past, can’t remember which), where Kaneki’s aunt throws away his father’s books and he goes looking for them with Hide.

Chapter 14 (Shiloh): 

Nothing special, but I felt like I needed to obviously develop Kim Dokja and Yoo Joonghyuk’s relationship more. I’m try to transition it from being like good friends to unknowingly crushing on one another.

“Shiloh”, yet again, is a book I read in fourth grade. The basic story a child trying to secretly care and protect a dog from its abusive owner. I think if you put that in the context of this story, you can tell who is playing what role.

I also forgot to mention this when I first wrote this chapter’s notes, but Yoo Joonghyuk views/compared Kim Dokja to a cat throughout the story while his father views him as a dog. A cat is more mischievous, does it’s own thing, hissed, bites, but might eventually warm up to a person. On the other hand, a dog is typically loyal and reliant on their owner to take them on walks, to the bathroom, etc. Hopefully that puts things in perspective with that, hehe.

Chapter 15:

In this chapter, I wanted to highlight Yoo Joonghyuk's life a little more. In the novel Yoo Joonghyuk is an orphan who ended up raising his little sister despite not officially knowing that was his sister. I'm not sure how older brothers typically act, I don't have one nor do I have that sort of relationship with my siblings. But, to me, even though Yoo Joonghyuk is Yoo Mia's older brother, he's basically her father in my eyes. He literally raised her from a baby. A BABYYYYYY. And in that perspective, I think it's a little more heartbreaking to know that Yoo Joonghyuk lost Yoo Mia in multiple regressions. Like, I know in the 2nd turn he had Lee Seolhwa and his son, but he knew that kid probably less than 5 years, sue me for saying that. Yoo Joonghyuk raised Yoo Mia for about ten whole years. That's his daughter atp, he couldn't save her over and over again.

Okay enough with my meaningless ramble, the point is that Yoo Joonghyuk is Yoo Mia's caretaker. Even though they have parents in this story, that still proves true. They're essentially on their own. Yoo Joonghyuk's parents are a greedy set of adults that do things that is convenient to them, in a way like Kim Dokja's dad.

Kim Dokja this chapter...95% of that wasn't planned at all. Not a single bit, but I'm standing by it. Kim Dokja is in for one hell of a ride though, hehehe. Kim Dokja's mom is quite the sore subject and with his emotions and life spiraling, are you really surprised with seeing Kim Dokja in this condition. Oh now I'm really babbling I'm so tired so I won't say much more so I can pretend to be coherent. 

Chapter 16:

Let's ignore the fact the chapter was terribly written. Lowkey last-minute ideas. I really wanted to develop it from rivals to acquaintances to friends to lovers, but Yoo Joonghyuk had some type of interest in Kim Dokja in the beginning. I also think Kim Dokja's behavior was...Vanitas like. It wasn't intentional but once I recognized it, I rolled with it. Vanitas is a funny, bold, and sometimes easy-going character until something that goes against his morals happens, and suddenly he's against the world, like in episodes 23-24 of The Case Study of Vanitas. Kim Dokja is fine with Yoo Joonghyuk until Yoo Joonghyuk pulls him out of the situation he made for himself, if that makes sense. Kim Dokja is displeased enough to even utter Yoo Joonghyuk's full name in the moment. But, yay Joongdok finally is expressing feelings towards each other! That how you know this is an OOC fic, that shit would NEVER happen that easily in canon. 

Chapter 17:

I have no clue how they ended up at an amusement park, which was completely unexpected. I was trying to pick the best place, and I guess I got inspired by that one arc in the novel, I think it was in the mid-to-late 400s. I really just wanted to show how Kim Dokja is slowly breaking down. He seems fine on the outside, but he's having random breakdowns when he's alone, he's trying to rationalize other people's actions to make it hurt less for him, he's dissociating, all the works. Kim Dokja always has this sense of guilt, stemming from childhood, that makes it feel like he should always be making up for something, even when he hasn't done anything wrong. Kim Dokja is trying to not be upset with his father because he is aware he didn't turn out to how his father wanted. Kim Dokja believes the narrative that he destroyed his own family and relationships, even though it's clearly his father's fault. Familial relationships are just a tug of war between wanting to believe you are loved despite the person's actions. Also Silly Cat World? Han Sooyoung reference, I miss her so much, but in this fanfic, she doesn't exist. Light brown haired lady? Yoo Sangah. I miss my girls.

Chapter 18 (The Great Gatsby):

I know, a sudden shift from the more fluffier amusement park moments, I’m aware. This chapter might’ve been a more…aggressive than initially planned. I think it was because I was hungry as I was writing it. I could really go for some wings right now.

But anyway, Kim Dokja is experiencing the highs and lows before the day he plans to kill himself. He starts off tired and distant and slowly moved into a good mood. Kim Dokja gave Yoo Joonghyuk the pocket watch as his first and last present to him. It was bought with all the money he had left, he wouldn’t have had a use for it if he had succeeded…

Honestly, after they both come out of the river, neither of them are emotionally and mentally stable in the moment. They’re solely going off what they’re feeling. Yoo Joonghyuk is upset yet angry with himself and Kim Dokja, while Kim Dokja is feeling the same way, but more devastated and nervous. No one wants to be found in that situation by someone you love.

Also, Yoo Joonghyuk slaps Kim Dokja is anger and frustration to get him to listen to him. It works because Kim Dokja responds to pain due to his constant experience with abuse and how violence is used against him in a manner that keeps him obedient.

Now, “The Great Gatsby” reference everyone has been waiting for… Hehehe, secret! But if you’ve read it, I implore you to use your analysis skills and deduce what I’m getting at. There’s a few things, but I will say if anything, Yoo Joonghyuk is more of a Nick in this story… 

Chapter 19:

This chapter was mainly to show how Kim Dokja goes from wanting to escape his problems through death to looking towards the future he can have with Yoo Joonghyuk. I wanted Yoo Joonghyuk's expression of love to be the catalyst. Even after everything he put Yoo Joonghyuk through, he still wanted to love him and stay by his side. That gives him enough hope to keep living and hopefully run away with him. A dream of his own to achieve. This chapter was also supposed to just be a really soft moment between them from the insanity of last chapter. 

The bath scene...that wasn't initially planned. I snuck it in there after Karam (yes the Alien Stage song, yes I am an Alien Stage fan) started to play on my way home this week. Thought about that Mizisua scene. I absolutely loved it, so why not incorporate it here?

Chapter 20 (The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time):

This chapter was honestly a bit random. I had a general idea of how I wanted the story to go and ending up vaguely planning out each chapters 10 and onwards were completely planned. Chapter 20 on the other hand, was not planned in the slightest. It was blank, empty, I had no idea what to put here. I seriously mulled over this until I came to a conclusion: I am not touching this shit until I have to. I hoped that once I reached this chapter, I would have some things from other chapters I could include in it that didn’t make the cut for those chapters.

That did not happen. That is honestly another reason why this chapter was delayed. I had no damn clue on what to write. So I thought, what issues have I not covered yet? Yoo Joonghyuk. I kind of pushed him off to the side (more explanation on why when this eventually wraps up). But, I decided to use this chapter to sort of wrap up Yoo Joonghyuk’s problem with his family, the neglect. 

After all these chapters, Yoo Joonghyuk is confronted with his mother in person. For once, she was there. Unwillingly. He is physically confronted with the fact his parents, or the very least his mother, will never change. So, this chapter was to confront the fact that he needs to let go of wanting to be acknowledged by his parents and put that emotional investment into something else. That being the future he sees himself with Kim Dokja in.

Now… The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time…it was a book I read not too long ago back in my senior year of high school for class. Good but honestly a predictable book. I’m going to cut straight to the chase and say I am not commenting on this book whatsoever because it’s going to mostly spoil the next chapter. I’ll only say that the part of the book I’m focusing on is the mid-to-end part. Teehee….