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The pain started out dull as Spy had his first cigarette of the day, a general malaise radiating throughout his entire body.
He swore under his breath as his usual painkillers had long since run out.
He was meaning to run to the town’s pharmacy and replace them at some point, but he had put it off for one reason or another. He hasn’t had a migraine in a while, after all, and the task could surely wait one more day, right?
He cursed himself for putting it off for so long. He briefly considered requesting a dosage from Medic, but shuddered at the thought of being seen as needy. He simply got dressed and hoped that this one would not be as intense today. His whole body seemed sensitive, his eyes strained just catching a glimpse of the sun coming through his blinds, his stomach turned when he caught the scent of hickory sausages and cheesy eggs being cooked up by the Engineer.
He knew that he would be in for hell today.
The pain increased tenfold as soon as he exited the relative dark and cool of his room, the noisy mercenaries roaring in his head and making it throb. He squeezed his eyes shut and held onto the bridge of his nose as he tried to quell the agony.
“WAKEY WAKEY, MAGGOT! WE CANT HAVE SLEEPY SOLDIERS BEHIND SWORDS NOW, CAN WE?!” The soldier banged on Demoman’s door, eliciting a groan from the (probably hungover) merc.
Spy’s head rang from the noise, the loud bangs bouncing around in his skull and pounding his brain.
He quickly made his way past Soldier and resorted to waiting outside for the rest of the group to be ready to leave.
Though the brightness was agonizing, it was much more welcome than the constant cacophony of noise and smells within the house which made his ears ring and stomach turn. He massaged his temples while his head throbbed and pain resonated down his neck.
After a bit, the mercenaries exited the house with various hoots and hollers, immediately undoing any of the progress that Spy had made towards comfort.
“Ya’ll right, Spook?” Engineer said, hanging back on the porch where Spy was sitting as the others climbed into the van.
Spy scoffed “I am swell, Engineer.” He shot him an exaggerated smile and thumbs up. Spy stood up and made his way towards the van.
“Well, I was just checkin’, is all...” Engj rubbed his neck as his words failed to reach Spy.
The 30 minute ride to the battleground felt like it went on for hours. The roads were rough, every crack and pothole feeling like a drop in a rollercoaster. All Spy could do was fold his arms and focus on his breathing, which actually tended to make his nausea worse. He could hear everything, smell everything.
The bumping of the roads, the stench of exhaust fumes, the jokes and laughter of his teammates, the petty arguments going nowhere, the shifting of equipment, Pyros playful humming and their stench of gasoline, the way that Scout chewed his gum and how he smelled of sweat and cheap deodorant.
He had no idea how he had managed to make it through the van ride without losing last night’s dinner.
It may have been the $10,000 suit he was in, or perhaps the 8 other men who would not let him live the event down. Either way, the hell was only just beginning. He had a long day ahead of him.
He was performing the worst of his life. The glaring sun made spots appear in his vision, his head throbbed so violently that he could hardly see straight. He struggled to even open his butterfly knife, cutting his finger multiple times on accident. While heading to and from various locations, he had to stop many times to wait out his dizzy spells.
He had only managed one backstab the entire first round, and it was because the Heavy was too busy eating a sandvich to notice him clumsily uncloak. The stab itself was horrible, but just enough to down the giant. The feeling of withdrawing his knife from flesh and the metallic scent that followed made him double over and retch into his hand.
He was 1-19, before overtime on the first round was even called, and was 1-24 by the time the gates opened for the second round. Every sapper he placed got him killed, every disguise was just a little bit off. No one was keeping score, surely, but such performance was humiliating. He wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed and let sleep overtake him, washing this horrible day away. But it wouldn’t come.
His team managed to squeak out a victory during the second match despite his horrible performance, throwing the battle into sudden death.
Halfway through the final match, Spy was delirious with agony. He was so disoriented walking out of respawn for the 30th time, that he almost completely missed the teleporter and began to walk all the way to the capture point. He noticed his mistake halfway there, and cursed under his breath, spinning on his heel to go back.
That was an awful idea, as the sudden change in position caused an overwhelming wave of dizziness to spin his world around. He retched into his hand, eyes watering from the pain and the nausea and the frustration of it all. He leaned on a nearbye fence post and removed his hand, vomiting into the water below.
His stomach contracted and squeezed until he had nothing left in him, he gurgled out bile as his lungs screamed for oxygen. He was crying now, as much as he had hated it, tears were pouring down his cheeks and wetting his balaclava. He was a snotty mess as his body continued to quake with nausea and agonizing head throbs.
His knees buckled from weakness, but before his legs could hit the ground, a gloved hand held onto his torso.
“Spook! You alright?!” Engineer said, voice heavy with concern.
“I gotcha, I gotcha, can ya’ stand?!”
Spy steadied himself, choking back a sob. He has never been this vunerable before, and was cursing himself for allowing anyone to see him like this.
“Don’t worry, let me getcha back into spawn and I’ll run for doc.” He said, wrapping Spy’s shoulder around his neck and helping him stand through another bout of dizziness.
“N-no.” He he pleaded, sharply inhaling as the light pierced his eyes again.
“What in gods name do you mean, ‘no?!’ Y’aint well, mister!”
They quickly made their way towards spawn, the air conditioning hit Spy immediately and soothed his aching head slightly. Engi brought Spy into the restroom and sat him down on a bench.
“Hol’ on now, I’ll be back.” He held his hand out to signify for Spy to stay out.
Spy had stopped his crying by now, but was still flustered.
“Non, Engineer! Stop!”
He held his hand out.
Engineer halted.
“I…” Spy swallowed, his throat still raw from vomiting so harshly “I am…Alright.”
“T’ hell you are! Spy what in tarnation happened out there!? You look like you were on deaths door! You think I don’t see the scoreboards? You been off all day, i’m worried sick fer ya!” Engi placed his hand on his heart.
“It is…It is nothing dire…I simply...” He breathed in, shuddering as he released it. He was humiliated beyond comprehension at being put into this position. A position of neediness, one where he required assistance. But…Engi’s furrowed brow seemed so genuine. His concern was real.
“I simply have a migraine, Engineer. It is nothing much to worry about.”
“Nothing much t- Spy! You couldn’t stand up straight! Now I ain’t had too many migraines before but I know they hurt like a mother. And they certainly don’t get better being out in the battle field. Just what were you thinking?”
“I-“ Spy tried to speak, but couldn’t find the words. Why was he out here? It was easy enough to utilize one of his many accumulated sick days, all he had to do was tell Medic.
Oh, that’s probably why.
“I…Don’t know.” He put his head into his palms, shame making his pale face red.
“I apologize, for causing trouble.”
He openly massaged his temples, the pain was getting worse by the second.
“Ain’t nothing to be sorry bout, partner.”
Engi placed his hand on Spy’s shoulder.
“We all get sick sometimes, ain’t nothing to be ashamed of. What kinda team kicks someone when they’re down?”
Spy didn’t respond, because he didn’t have anything to say. Not because if he were to speak he would begin crying again.
No, that wasn’t the reason, surely.
“Stay put, partner, I’m gonna go fetch some stuff fer ya.”
Engi quickly made his way out of the room, stopping just before he left to flick the light switch off.
Immediate relief came from the cool and dark silence. His throat still burned, his mouth still tasted funny, his head still throbbed. But it was more bearable now, and certainly a stark contrast to the blinding misery that he was in not 10 minutes prior.
Engineer was back quicker than Spy would have expected.
“Cover yer eyes, Spy. I’m gonna turn these here lights on again.”
Spy obliged, putting all of his limited trust in Engi’s goodwill.
The lights flipped on, Spy could hear Engi shuffle over to the sinks.
He ran some water, and then made his way towards Spy.
“Sit up, Spook.”
Spy hadn’t even realized that he had laid down until Engi had eased him upwards.
He placed a small and round tablet in Spy’s gloved hand.
“Take that, y’hear?”
Spy trusted Engi, but not enough to take some random pill. He slowly opened his eyes to adjust to the light.
It was roughly the size of a quarter, pink in color and chalky in texture. Spy’s eyebrow raised.
“What is this? What have you given me?”
“That’s a painkiller. It’s meant for children. I keep em’ on me for Pyro in case they ever get any aches, it tastes like bubblegum.”
Spy still seemed a bit cautious.
“It ain’t much but it’s better than nothing. I got some better stuff back at my workshop for when we get home, if you’re still in rough shape. “
“You assume that the Doctor does not?”
“I assume if you wanted his help you woulda gone this morning.”
“Touché, laborer.”
Spy placed the tablet in his mouth, the chalky texture making him cringe. He chewed and swallowed. It didn’t taste all that much like bubblegum, but it also didn’t taste medicinal.
Engi took out a bottle of cool water and handed it to Spy.
“ Merci .” He opened up the bottle and took a drink. It washed down the foul taste of bile and the strange feeling of chalky medication, and only then did he realize just how parched he was.
“I’ve got a rag fer’ yer’ head, you’ve gotta take yer mask off, though.”
“Oh yes, why don’t I just give you my full name and date of birth as well?” Spy remarked.
“Gosh darn it Spy, I’m tryna help you.” Engi started that statement angry, but his tone softened into one of concern.
Spy sighed. He was already this far in, and the pain wasn’t going away anytime soon. He slowly removed his balaclava. Engi used the face mask as a sort of pillow, laying it onto the bench and gently helping Spy lay upon it.
He tenderly placed the cool rag on Spy’s eyes. Every movement was made with such care, Spy couldn’t help but feel embarrassed.
But also…strangely…cared for; loved.
It was something that he hadn’t felt in a while.
He was almost shocked that Engi hadn’t made any comments on his appearance.
It wasn’t that he thought he was particularly handsome or ugly in any regard, but it was just that every time he appeared in anything other than his full suit people seemed to comment simply because it was different than the norm.
The comments were annoying.
Was someone not allowed to look different than how they always have?
Spy supposed that that also went for emotions, thoughts and personality traits. They had known Spy to be standoffish and reclusive since day one, and it had become so ingrained in what others thought of him that it almost seemed impossible to change.
“Spy? Ya still there?”
Engi’s gentle voice halted Spy’s train of thought. He could feel the texan sat next to his head. When did he do that? Had he dozed off? Was he losing track of time?
“Yes.” Spy said quietly.
“You alright? Y’aint feeling like you gonna be sick now, is ya?”
“No.”
“Just checking. You were mighty quiet these past few minutes.”
“…Don’t you have somewhere to be, laborer?”
“I was just watching ye. You gave me a real fright, yknow. I don’t like seeing nobody like that.”
“…I. I Do not like being seen like that. I fear my…authority would be put into question.
“Ya’ don’t gotta put yer’self through hell to prove nothing. Like I said, everyone gets sick, everyone is weak sometimes. It’s what makes us people. I dont see yus as any lesser.”
Spy took in a slow breath to ease his racing mind.
“I…Appreciate it. Laborer. And thank you, for everything that you have done. It means much to me.”
The thanks was difficult to say, but Spy eventually found the words.
“No problem, Partner.”
The administrator’s muffled voice came over the intercom, announcing that there was 5 minutes left in the mission.
“Looks like we’ll be bringing home the bacon today.” Engi chuckled softly.
“Are you…” Spy stoped himself from asking what he wanted to.
There was no reason for the Engineer to stay.
He wasn’t in mortal danger.
He had other things he needed to do.
Spy was content with loneliness. But despite all of this…
.
.
.
He didn’t want him to leave.
.
.
.
“Gonna stay?” Engi finished his thought for him “Only if ya want. Pyro’s looking after my gadgets fer’ now, I trust em’ to take care of any enemies. They’re on a roll! 26 and 4 today! I’m real proud of my boy.”
Spy couldn’t help but smile at his genuine care towards others. It was admirable.
“I suppose the little pyromaniac must be treated then, hm?”
The Engineer softly chuckled again.
“Yeah, I spose.”
They won the match.
As Spy replaced his Balaclava, Engi handed him some earbuds.
“These here are Pyros too. They’re real good at canceling out all sortsa noise. I figured you might wanna borrow them on the ride home. I programmed em’ to play all kinds of different sounds, Pyro’s favorites are the birds and the fireplace. For uh, obvious reasons.” He chuckled.
“Thank you, Engineer.”
“Don’t mention it, Spook.”