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James is the biggest fan of Christmas—well, socially anyway. It isn’t his religion's holiday (which his neighbours love to remind him of), but it doesn’t change the fact that he adores it.
And this year, this year everyone’s coming over.
He found out entirely by accident about six months ago that almost none of his friends families celebrate Christmas, and come on, it's the holidays; they have to celebrate something.
Sirius celebrated with him last year since he was staying with them at that point. But he had never celebrated before, and since Regulus is talking to him again, James took it upon himself to give them both a Christmas party. And Remus doesn’t live with his parents anymore, but even if he did, it wouldn’t change it. Lily's sister always gets mad on holidays about Lily being back, so her parents dedicate every second of the holiday to her.
Peter's parents just don’t care. Never have really.
Mary’s family is so far away, and she has an interview for… something, in the middle of break, so she’s only going back home for New Year’s. “I’m not using the portkey more than I have to, James; I hate it.”
And Marlene’s family stopped celebrating two years ago when her brother got hurt. They don’t do happy occasions anymore.
(Also, some of Regulus’ friends may be coming? Dorcas is coming for Marlene anyway, so perhaps Pandora is on her way? James wanted him to feel welcome, so he said he could bring whoever he wanted.
The point is everyone is coming to his home. Now.
And despite this being an utterly genius plan, he completely forgot to factor in one important aspect.
“SIRIUS I have nothing to WEAR! AND my hair looks like shit. HELP.”
Sirius comes in with Regulus in tow; he hasn’t spoken much since he arrived, but he seems comfortable.
“So? Thought you were over Lily, mate? She’s into Mary, remember? You set them up?” Sirius is no use right now. He looks smug, as if he knows something James does not, but it barely registers in James’ mind since he’s panicking.
“I know that. I- I dont- I’m not into it; I'm just stressed. Go help Mum or something; you’re no help.”
Sirius mumbles some kind of sarcastic comment before trudging down the stairs with a laugh, with James going back to panicking while considering every aspect of his clothing and face and hair in the mirror.
“It’s Remus.” It’s not a question. James honestly hadn’t noticed Regulus was still there.
And shit. How did he know?
“No…?”
“You are truly a terrible liar. Dorcas figured it out, in case you were curious. She mentioned it to me.”
James remembers Sirius mentioning Regulus didn’t feel like he’d ever fall for someone. So who knows why he’s trying to help, but he wants Regulus to feel safe so he doesn’t jump out the window to end the conversation.
“I’m- He, I’m just stressed. But thanks.”
“I haven’t helped. Yet. He has been here before, yes? Why are you so overeager?”
He has. But not like this. Not like- James has always noticed Remus. He’s noticed the patterns carved from his face to his feet that Remus calls scars. He’s noticed every shy smile and every way to coax a reaction from the boy. He’s noticed maybe every moment Remus has looked at him. But he’s never indulged in the idea that they could be anything. Until the summer, when his mind spiralled away from him, when he looked into deep brown eyes that were begging to be loved and failed to look back. Until he tripped and fell, and before he even realised it, it was too late.
It was also a long time coming, according to his father. (He didn’t know when he begged his dad to teach him how to make healing potions instead of potions for pranks that he’d realised, but apparently he had).
“Because I’ve never felt like this. These last few months it’s felt like everything I’ve done around him has been stupid. I’ve never been this flustered in my life. And no matter what I do, I cannot control myself. This has to be perfect, or he’ll realise how completely insane I am. Also, don’t ask why I haven’t told Sirius yet.”
“Why haven’t you told Sirius yet?”
He shouldn’t have invited Regulus.
That’s not true; he’s actually being helpful.
“Because he’ll be mad. He’ll think I’m trying to break up the friendship group.”
Regulus gives him a sceptical look.
“Fine. I’m not ready to admit it. And it’ll matter when I tell him. And then he’ll become obsessed with getting us together. I’m… I’m afraid of it all changing.”
Regulus nods, smiles (the first time since he got here), and leaves.
Real helpful.
It’s been thirty minutes when the first people arrive. James’ hair has been tied up and down and had product put in and out and styled to perfection until it looked perfectly horrific. His clothes are scattered on his floor, and yet he’s still wearing the same outfit, one that’s been swapped through at least fifteen times. Something else might’ve looked better. It didn’t in the end, but it’s always best to check.
He doesn’t run to the door when he hears the bell; he simply looks at the tree from the top of the stairs (he can only see the edge of the tree and below from this angle) and locks eyes with Remus’ present from him. It’s mocking, with slight edges not sellotaped down and bouncing the light not quite right, and it winks when he tries to look away.
It’s Peter at the door. He’s holding a bag of presents, and he’s smiling, the cold having painted a pink blush across his cheeks. He places his delicately wrapped gifts under the chaotic tree and accepts with a gentle smile the tea Regulus offers him. Peter is clearly surprised to see Regulus but says nothing of the sort.
( And a few years later Regulus will be surprised to see Peter, but will, this time, live long enough to tell his brother ).
People trickle in throughout the hour. Marlene and Mary arrive together next, followed by Lily and then Dorcas and then Pandora. And yet the one person James is bouncing on the edge of his seat waiting for has yet to grace him with their presence.
He’s two hours late in the end. And by that point, everyone is slightly tipsy and deep into gossiping.
The knock on the door jolts James; despite it being impossible for it to be anyone else, his body shivers as if the universe whispered in his ear who’s standing just out of reach.
He’s frozen for a few seconds before realising that he ought to go open the door.
The walk to the door takes years, and everyone’s eyes are digging into his back (that’s a lie), and the doorknob just won’t open for him (his hands are sweaty), and the world just won’t let him be.
But when the door opens, for just a second, in the most catastrophically cheesy way, it doesn’t matter. His hands stop shaking, and the cold warms him.
“Hi. James, everyone, I’m so, so sorry I’m late; I cannot apologise enough.” He breezes through the door, but not without a double take, looking back at James with a smile so gentle he cannot help forgetting everything worrying his brain, at least for a second.
Remus slips into the room easily, laying presents under the tree, and at his friend's joking slander over his late arrival, he immediately launches into a story about delayed trains and the trek he took to even get to James’ at all.
They sit down to eat thirty minutes later. It’s an incredible meal; his mum, dad, him, Sirius, and Regulus did a fantastic job. But- but Regulus and his dad have been giving him looks, specifically since dinner but mainly since Remus arrived.
At least Dorcas is subtle.
But it isn’t until dessert that it all tumbles. More specifically, it isn’t until James’ dad shoots him a look and starts talking to Dorcas about her and Marlene.
And this, this is when James’ should’ve realised that maybe something was up. Not just because of the looks all evening, but because James’ parents never initiate conversation about people they’re dating with his friends. They only talk about it if his friends bring it up. James’ mum explained why, once, she said they might be escaping talking about it by coming here, and so she’ll only talk with them about it if they bring it up.
And Dorcas hadn’t brought it up?
But this thought process happens so slowly, and the cogs in his brain click patiently and bored as if this bizarre moment isn’t really worth noting, and by the time he’s realised how strange it is, his dad says, “I’m so happy you’re together with Marlene now; she never stopped talking about you, though I must say I always expected Remus to date Dorcas, what with you two being so close. Especially since we always thought you had a crush on her, Remus.”
And that’s just plainly untrue. They are close, but never once in his life has his father either considered Remus’ romantic life or thought he’d end up with Dorcas. They’ve all known since Second Year that as a family they’re rooting for Dorlene?
Once again, though, the cogs turning in his brain are moving slowly, and weirdly, his heart realises before his logic can, beating out of his chest so aggressively he swears everyone can hear it.
“You can’t be serious, Mr. Potter; I was sure you knew I had a crush on James a couple of years ago.”
It’s all background noise after that. James’ dad laughs and tells Remus to “please call him Monty” like he always does, and the table moves on as if that isn’t groundbreaking, life-altering, insane information. They finish eating and go back to sit around the tree in the living room.
James goes to grab a drink, which he promptly throws on Sirius on his way back. And then ten minutes later, he was stood up messing with the tree when it toppled over onto Peter. And then twenty minutes after that he’s fiddling with a book from the shelf when it slips out of his hands and almost hits Lily on the head.
He’s a mess.
But hey, it’s not like it’s his fault. He’s distracted, and it’s awful. He hates not having control, and in all the years of crazy, he’s never felt so all over the place, so clumsy, since that traitorous month and a half last year.
But it’s not his fault. It’s Remus’ (except nothing is Remus’ fault because he’s perfect) (except that’s putting him on a pedestal, which he hates) (shit, James is fucking this up so hard).
And taking a glance over, Regulus, Dorcas, Lily, and his parents in the corner—trying and failing to be subtle—they’re all screaming at him, “This is embarrassing for you,” with their eyes.
It’s probably supposed to be sympathy. James hates sympathy.
(It’s not. They’re just invested).
In fact, the only person who seems not to have clocked it is Sirius. And that is honestly the only reason he isn’t having a panic attack right now; thank everything for Sirius’ obliviousness.
He gets another hour of internal panic, slowly calming himself but staying there, ever present, before Remus is in front of him, handing him a gift.
“PRONGS-“ Sirius is yelling, but James’ eyes shoot back to Remus whenever he rips them away from him for over a second. “Open the fucking gifts.”
Glancing down, James’ realises there are multiple presents in front of him that he hasn’t touched. When did they start doing presents?
Remus sits down beside him, and his heart beats so awfully he’s sure the look Dorcas sends him is cause she can hear it.
“James,” an eye roll from anyone else is irritating, but from Remus it’s endearing. Better than endearing, James’ craves them. (And yes, that is unfair. He does not care) “You’ve opened none of your gifts so far. Here. Open mine.”
James doesn’t look up; knowing his friends, everyone in the room is trying to subtly watch. But failing completely at said subtlety.
As the paper rips, he tries to guess what it could be. He didn’t want much this year. Sirius got him tickets to see Quidditch (he hasn’t gotten them yet, but his best friend can’t lie to save his life), Peter got him a new Quidditch ball to practice with (he asked for it)… that was pretty much all that was on his list. He doesn’t need much. He has so much already. Really, all he needs is a reason to spend more time (more than almost every hour of every day) with Remus.
Only Remus could answer his wish without even knowing it.
It’s wool. And knitting needles. Cause-
“I want to learn a muggle skill. Remus, come on, I could make my mum something. You have to teach me.”
“Do you like it?” He’s nervous. Why is he nervous? James would love a paper bag. But this, this is “the- the perfect gift, Rem, thank you.”
Sirius told James once that Remus’ eyes are best before the full moon cause they’re so unique, amber, and bold. James would call them golden and brighter than the stars, but either way, he’s wrong. Remus’ eyes are best like this: copper, honey, and light. They’re gorgeous. His eyes are coming home in winter, warming up beside the fire, chocolate brownies and gingerbread. Nature, the lining of trees in the forests they all run through, the hypnotic sort of darkness, with dots of light, that cannot help but draw people in. Perfectly imperfect.
“Prongs?”
“Right. Sorry, I’m just a little-“ in love “tired. Lemme get your gift.” James gifts are the only ones under the tree that haven’t been passed out yet. Probably cause they all say his handwriting is illegible, they’re all lying (they’re not)
Pandora wasn’t the easiest to buy for, and neither was Regulus, but James was determined for everyone to be comfortable in his home. He could tell they were surprised, though, as he laid their gifts in front of them.
And finally Remus. Potentially the most important gift tonight. “Here.”
He really brainstormed for this one. See, Remus isn’t one for expensive gifts; it’s the meaning that counts, and James has gotten a great variety of gifts for him in the past, from a first edition copy of a muggle book he loves to a new jumper from a shop local to James (which he adored).
So it shouldn’t be hard? But this year he felt the pressure (only from himself, but still). But it’s okay cause he found the perfect gift. Right? Right, it is the perfect gift. Right? Crap, he’s panicking.
“James.” His eyes shoot up to Remus in a second, and behind him Sirius muffles a laugh. About what James has no idea but he can shut up.
“It’s beautiful.”
And it, is a bookshelf. Remus’ immediately performed the enlarging spell to see the details on it at the correct size.
“I love it, really James I do. Where did you find it?”
“That’s erm- that’s not all actually. Put a book in it.”
Remus narrows his eyes in slight doubt but does as James says and puts the book Mary got him inside the shelf. Just for James to shrink the bookshelf back down with a spell.
“Mate you do remember that shrinking spells destroy anything inside muggle objects. As in, the books will be destroyed by the bookshelf 'cause it can’t contain the magic?”
And that would be true, Sirius, except this bookshelf can contain the magic, because James made it himself (with quite a bit of his mother's help, but still).
James returns it to the correct size to show Remus the book hasn’t been ruined, but obviously since it’s Remus he never doubted him.
“I- erm- I made it myself. With my mum's help. So it can shrink your books safely. Cause you said the other day you hate moving them into boxes and then moving the boxes and not being able to shrink them without risking damaging them, and- I don’t know why I’m still talking.”
Everyone is looking at him now, which makes sense given his ability to make a fool out of himself, and it’s almost 18 years of practice that’s why he’s comedic and funny when he’s being embarrassing, not an idiot like everyone else. And yet those almost 18 years of training his personality flick away in seconds when Remus smiles.
Especially when Remus smiles because of him.
“I- thanks James, this is- perfect.”
From then on, Remus doesn’t move from his side all evening. At least 4 times James gets distracted for over five minutes about the fact that his hand is touching Remus’, and weirdly all he can think of is how much Sirius would mock him if he knew his train of thought. He’s 18 in less than 4 months, and he forgets how to breathe when Remus touches his hand…
They leave around 10 pm. Mary, Lily, and Marlene are first, crashing at Marlene’s together for the holidays. Lily’s parents said it was probably best she wasn’t at home for most of the holidays, but that she was welcome for day trips. James would’ve offered for her to stay at his, but she’ll be alright; she has Mary and Marlene, after all. And then Dorcas and Pandora leave, and with Regulus and Sirius spending the night, that leaves just Remus and Peter.
“Remember that first Christmas?” The fire crackling, and beside him, Remus’ voice is warm and gentle.
“How could we forget? James's shock when he found none of us were planning to go home was hilarious.”
That was the moment he truly realised how different his life was compared to his friends. When Peter whispered, “They’ll barely notice I’m gone.” And Sirius laughed, “I’d always rather be here.” And Remus: “I think it’s just… better for everyone if I stay here.”
It was that moment that he decided, for the first time, to do it without his parents. And he sent a letter begging for them to let him stay until the 24th.
Mum, Dad, I’ll be home for Christmas. I promise.
And he was, but he worried all the rest of the holiday.
“We had a good week, though, didn’t we, before I went back home?”
James is conscious of Regulus at the edge of this conversation, listening to Sirius reminiscing about how much more fun he had at school with his friends than his brother, who back then still adored him.
“It was perfect. Even after you left Prongs. It wasn’t the Christmas you love or whatever, but it was freeing.” Sirius glances at Regulus when he says it, worried but challenging. Regulus looks to the floor.
Peter leaves half an hour later, and Regulus and Sirius head upstairs. So by what is definitely utter coincidence, he’s left alone with Remus.
“You always give me the most thoughtful gifts, Prongs.” Remus doesn’t break eye contact as he says it, smiling and getting up to put on his shoes.
“Says you. We have no free time this year, Moons, and you’ve practically promised to teach me to knit.”
James follows him. Because of course he does. Because James would follow him blindly.
“That’s not a chore for me; you know I love getting you- all of you I mean, to do more muggle things.” James watches as he picks up his gifts and gravitates towards the door. It’s 11 pm, he needs to go. He said he’d be back an hour ago.
“And I love getting you to embrace magic as much as possible… Are you sure you can’t stay?" It’s a pointless ask. He can’t.
“Sorry, Prongs.” He shouldn’t have asked.
“No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”
He’s at the door now. There’s a moment of silence; James suddenly feels the pressure again, and it’s crushing him. What’s he supposed to do now? Is he supposed to kiss him goodnight? Can he? Is that creepy? Maybe he should just say goodbye? Has he fucked it all up already by asking stupid questions? Maybe Remus knows, and he’s been trying to leave all evening, and James hasn’t noticed? Maybe-
“James” His eyes snap back up to meet Remus’ eyes. That’s weird; when did they wander?
“Are you… alright? You look a little lost.”
Shit, now he’s freaking Remus out. James needs to get a grip.
“I’m okay. Sorry, it’s just late, and, you know, I’m a morning person.” Laughter rings out; Remus’ laugh is rough and gentle and quiet but bold.
“Yeah. And it’s annoying. Bye, James. Happy Christmas.”
“Bye, Remus. Happy Christmas.”
Remus steps out, and James is fine with his decision; he really is. Until- Remus looks back. What does that mean? What did that mean? What-
No. James can’t keep balancing in between questions to hide.
His hand twitches on the doorknob as he closes the door. It’s a millimetre from closing when he realises he’s an idiot.
And then he’s running on the freezing pathway outside his house barefoot and toppling into Remus. He’s not even drunk.
“Prongs, what the-“ Remus is laughing so hard he can’t even finish his sentence.
“Remus, Remus, wait. I-“
“I am waiting; you’ve thrown yourself into me; I’d have to shove you off to keep going. You- you’re not even wearing shoes?”
Oh. Right.
James is still in Remus’ arms, having been caught by him. He adjusts his hands to fall around Remus’ hips and steps closer to him. The laughter falls into silence.
“Rem, I… I just want to tell you, before you go. I-“ James sucks at this. “I-“ Spit it out. “I-“ Come ON. “I adore you.” Okay that works, sort of. “I adore the way you laugh, and your eyes, and your crooked smile, and your resilience, and your kindness, and your belief that everyone deserves goodness, and your refusal to be anything but generous and sweet and your, your everything. I adore all of you. And I don’t want to scare you away, I’ve always thought I could read people but I just cannot tell how you feel and I don’t want to ruin this, us, but I need you to know. If only so you’ll believe me. That you are amazing Remus. I- I love you.”
Okay, he’d had a vague idea of what he was going to say. And it was much shorter and much less embarrassing. But his mind is mush when Remus is involved; he’s always known that.
James takes a step back. He doesn’t want Remus to have to shove him off or something. Crap, this was a bad idea. He shouldn’t have-
“James,” his name sounds like music coming from Remus, always has, “stop spiralling.” His eyes snap to Remus at the sound of his voice; it’s reflex now. Remus takes a step forward, bringing them back together. “I- fuck, you make this seem so easy.” He does? Wait, what does he make seem easy? “I think you’re amazing too, James. You went to all this effort to make a perfect day for everyone. And you’re trying to hard to help Sirius and Regulus. You have such a pure heart that you can’t even see it for yourself. I- I adore you too.”
The blush comes back, faster than ever. But James does not care. Not in the slightest. “You do?”
“I do.”
He lets out a giddy laugh. This is not how James thought it would go. He wouldn’t let himself picture it working out, and it has.
“James-“ His eyes reflect the moonlight in the dark. “Can I kiss you?” He’s a few centimetres from James’ face.
He can’t open his mouth, lest he say something stupid, so he nods.
It’s gentle and delicate but has a bit of hidden fire, just like Remus himself. James doesn’t know how long it lasts, just that he’s not cold anymore, and when they pull apart, it takes him a few seconds to open his eyes.
He’s greeted with Remus, with a gentle smile on his face.
“I need to go. Or I’ll be late. I mean, I already am, but it’ll be worse… But I will visit soon. And I’ll write you.”
James pulls him back in by the waist. “Or, you could take my mirror. Sirius won’t care if I use his.” He’ll be mad, but James does not care.
“Really? He won’t care?”
James summons it with a wordless wand spell, “Here. If he cares, I’ll take back his Christmas present.”
Remus’ laughs, stepping out of James’ hold slowly, as if he cannot bear it.
“You would never.”
Remus turns to leave, and James tracks Remus with his eyes until he is out of sight. The walk back into the house takes less than fifteen seconds, and yet it feels like forever as he comes down from the high of it all going so well.
And ready to greet him when he comes inside, grinning like an idiot, is the one and only Sirius Black, who’s smirking. The knowing smirk.
Oh. “You knew. All day.”
The smirk grows. “You weren’t ready to admit it. It was calming you down that I didn’t know.” He’s the worst. How didn’t James notice?
“Stop gloating.”
“Tell me you kissed him, or I’m throwing your gift in the bin.”
James can’t help the blush. Yet again.
And that's apparently the perfect time for Regulus to come down the stairs. “He did, you can tell. This is the first time today that blush didn’t come with a grimace of embarrassment.”
“Okay, great, let's stop mocking me...”
James wants to know one more thing, though. “And just out of curiosity, how long have you known?” From Sirius’ smile, James senses it’d be better for his mind if he didn’t know. Too late for that, though.
“Since-“