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Chapter Text

Meredith crawled out of bed In the middle of the night, being careful not to wake up her sleeping girlfriend. The blonde sighed as she looked at Addison’s peacefully sleeping face. The older woman was absolutely gorgeous, she even made drooling look beautiful. Meredith felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes as she turned away from the bed and walked into the bathroom with quiet footsteps. Only when the door was shut behind her did the intern let her tears fall as she looked at her body in the mirror. Her thighs were too big and her stomach wasn’t flat enough. She wasn’t perfect and Addison deserved perfection.

Meredith’s biggest fears had always been being abandoned and not being enough. No matter how hard she tried, she was never enough for her mother. She was never smart enough, she never knew when to be quiet, and she never dressed well enough. The blonde spent her entire life being told that she wasn’t enough and that she would end up alone because no one would be able to put up with her non stop rambling and stupidity. Even her escape from Ellis didn’t last because after only two months in Europe, Meredith was called back to the States when her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

When Meredith finished Medical School and started her internship, she tried to visit her mother everyday but even with Alzheimer’s, Ellis was vicious. Her relationship with Addison was the one bit of hope that Meredith had, but she was terrified of losing her. The redhead did her best to support her girlfriend, but the blonde would shut down every conversation about how visits with her mother went, not wanting to dump too much on Addison in fear of being too much for the redhead to handle.

As Meredith stared into the mirror sobbing over all the imperfections that stared back at her, Addison woke up alone in bed. The redhead carefully got out of bed and stood in front of the bathroom door listening to Meredith cry. This happened every night. Meredith would sneak out of bed to go cry in the bathroom and Addison would wake up feeling hopeless as she listened. The redhead sighed as she couldn’t handle this anymore. She couldn’t handle her girlfriend being in so much pain and dealing with it all on her own when she didn’t have to. Addison knew that something was really wrong and it was time for her to stop being a coward and tell Meredith that she knew. She knew that the intern was skipping meals, she knew that she wasn’t sleeping, and she knew that she was pushing herself too hard at work. The only thing that Addison didn’t know was why.

Addison quietly pushed the bathroom door open and felt tears rush to her eyes as she watched Meredith sob in front of the mirror as she pinched her stomach. The blonde’s stomach was littered in angry red marks, some of them with small beads of blood dripping from them. The redhead walked up to her and gently pulled her hand away from her stomach. Meredith’s eyes widened in horror as she realized that her perfect girlfriend had walked in on her while she was a sniveling mess and she pulled away from her as she turned so her back was to Addison.

“Addie, go away! Please!” Meredith begged with a cracking voice.

“No, I’m not going anywhere.” Addison said in a gentle voice as she pulled Meredith into her arms and rubbed the blonde’s back as she continued to cry. “Every night for the past two weeks I wake up alone and just stand at the bathroom door listening to you cry. I wanted to give you time and space to come to me because I know that you’re going through a lot with your mom and internship, but you haven’t come to me and I cannot just sit here and watch you destroy yourself. You’re barely eating, you’re barely sleeping, you’ve been pushing yourself at work and I feel like I’m losing you. You need to talk to me.”

“I can’t.” Meredith whimpered.

“Why?” Addison pressed as she guided Meredith back to the bedroom and into bed. The blonde climbed into her girlfriend's lap and curled up like a small child. The redhead bit her lip to suppress the gasp that threatened to escape her when she realized how prominent Meredith’s spine was in her back, it may have just been the position she was in, but there was no doubt that the blonde had lost weight. “Angel, I am here for you, there is nothing that you could say that would change how I feel about you. The past six months that we have been together have been the happiest that I have ever been. Whatever is going on, we can get through it. If we got through Bailey catching us making out and about to have sex in the front seat of my car then we can get through anything.”

“Are you sure?” Meredith whispered in a small voice, her vulnerability laid bare. “You won’t abandon me for being too much?”

“You could never be too much.” Addison promised. “And I would never ever abandon you.”

“It’s…” Meredith took a deep breath as she prepared herself to have the most honest conversation of her life. “It’s my mom.” Her voice broke as a guttural sob slipped from her lips and she pressed herself impossibly closer to Addison. “She’s vicious and I wish I could blame the Alzheimer’s, but the truth is she’s always been that way. I was never enough for her. My grades were never good enough and I talked too much and I never dressed the way that she wanted and I ate too much.” The blonde whimpered. “I was always just too much. She expected me to be extraordinary, but I was just ordinary. She said that I must have gotten that from my father, but even he knew that I was a waste of space and that’s why he didn’t take me with him. I… I stopped eating when I was thirteen because I thought if I could be smaller and take up less space, maybe my mother wouldn’t notice me anymore and I would be able to get a break from her constant onslaught of verbal abuse. Then it turned into that I couldn’t control the way my mother treated me, but I could control whether or not I ate. I stopped caring about what she had to say about me because I had more self control than she could ever dream of having. I would go days without eating and still function normally, not even the great Ellis Grey could do that. This went on for two years. One day when I was fifteen, I was giving a presentation at school and I fainted. They had me rushed to the hospital and it turns out that my kidneys were shutting down and I was severely dehydrated and malnourished. My mom sent me off to a treatment center and I got better. I was better for a long time, but I’m not better anymore. Everytime I see her she just reminds me of what a disappointment I am. I thought the days that she didn’t recognize me would be a break from her criticism, but it hurts that I’m not worth recognizing. Even if she hates me, I’m still her daughter. How can she look me in the face and not know who I am? Am I really that worthless?” Meredith sobbed against Addison’s chest, the blonde’s shoulders were shaking as she gripped onto the redhead’s shirt. “Now you know, you know just how undeserving I am of you. I understand if you want to break up with me, after all you didn’t sign up for a girlfriend this broken.” Addison carefully lifted Meredith’s head in her hands and cradled her cheeks in her hands.

“Angel, I am not breaking up with you and you are not broken.” Addison said softly but with an undercut of firmness. “I am so sorry that your mother cannot see you for who you truly are because you are not too much and you are certainly not ordinary. You, my love, are the most extraordinary person that I have ever met. You care so much about everyone, I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes. I am proud of you for putting the work in to get better when you were a teenager and I promise to help you in any way that I can so you can get better again. I’m not going anywhere and you are not worthless or undeserving of me. You more than deserve me, I wouldn’t lie to you, I wouldn’t ever lie to you.”

“I’m sorry for what you witnessed in the bathroom. I never wanted you to see me like that.” Meredith confessed softly.

“I’m sorry that I let it go on for so long instead of walking into the bathroom the first time I woke up to you crying.” Addison kissed Meredith’s forehead before letting go of her cheeks. “Let’s go back to sleep, I’ll get up in the morning and call out of work for both of us. I think you could really use a mental health day.”

“I’m an intern, I can’t take a mental health day. My intern exam is coming up and I need to be ready!” Meredith argued.

“Angel, your intern exam isn’t for another three months, you have plenty of time and you have logged more hours than even Cristina. You can afford to take a day off.” Addison assured her.

“Well I still have to get up and visit my mom, she’s best in the mornings, by the afternoon she’s even more of a bitch than usual.” Meredith sighed.

“My love, I don’t think visiting your mother and taking a mental health day really go together. I’m not going to stop you from seeing her, but I don’t think seeing her every single day is healthy for you.” Addison ran her hand through Meredith’s hair. “If you really insist on going to see her in the morning, can I go with you? I don’t want you to have to deal with that alone.”

“I guess.” Meredith mumbled. “But you can’t go all Satan trying to protect me if she says something mean, which if she knows it’s me she definitely will. Also you should know that she typically thinks I’m five years old when she actually realizes that I’m me.”

“I promise I’ll be on my best behavior.” Addison kissed Meredith’s lips softly. “I’ll leave Satan at home.”

“Thank you.” Meredith yawned as her eyes started to flutter closed. “I love you.”

“I love you too Angel, more than anything.” Addison smiled as she held Meredith tightly and fell back to sleep. When she woke up in the morning, the redhead kissed the intern’s forehead before tiptoeing out of bed to call Richard and let him know that neither she nor Meredith would be at work that day because they were sick. The man told her that they could take as much time as they needed and to make sure they were completely healthy before coming back and seeing patients. After ending her phone call, Addison walked downstairs and began cooking breakfast. She didn’t want to put too much pressure on Meredith, but she did want her to eat something. It was clear to her that her girlfriend’s eating disorder from when she was a teenager was creeping back and the last thing Addison wanted was to make her feel like a bunch of food was being forced down her throat when that would probably terrify the already fragile blonde. Finally she settled on making scrambled eggs and toast with butter and started cooking.

Meredith walked down the stairs and immediately felt sick when she smelt eggs, but she forced a smile as she walked into the kitchen. Once she heard Addison humming as she cooked, her smile became real. The blonde may have been struggling to love herself, but there was no doubt that she loved her girlfriend with her entire heart. The redhead stood in front of the stove, her red hair tousled around her shoulders, humming to herself as she scrambled eggs in a frying pan while wearing Meredith’s Dartmouth t-shirt. She looked up with a wide smile as the intern walked into the kitchen.

“Good morning Angel.” Addison stepped away from the stove for a moment to give Meredith a quick kiss. “I figured that we could have breakfast before we went to visit your mom.”

“I’m not hungry.” Meredith lied as she looked down at her feet. She knew deep down that the lie wouldn’t work, but she was so used to sticking to the script that it was out before she even thought about it.

“I know that’s not true, my love. You didn’t eat dinner last night. You don’t have to eat a lot, but I want you to at least try.” Addison put a small amount of scrambled eggs on a plate and turned to the toaster when two slices of bread popped up. She buttered both slices and put one on the blonde’s head plate and the other on hers. “Come on, let’s sit down.” The two walked over to the table and sat down.

“Addie.” Meredith whimpered as she looked up at Addison with tears in her eyes. “I don’t think I can do this.”

“What can I do to support you? How can I make this easier?” Addison reached across out for Meredith’s hand and squeezed softly. “I am here for you, just tell me how I can help.”

“I…I don’t know.” Meredith admitted. “When I was in the treatment center as a teenager there was this staff member Melanie and for the first month she was the only one who could get me to eat, but I don’t really remember how she did it.”

“What if I distract you?” Addison suggested. “I could tell you about the time in medical school when Mark stole my car to impress a girl and then got pulled over because I reported it stolen.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Meredith giggled as she took a small bite of eggs. “Mark Sloan, the man that thinks he’s God’s gift to plastics and passes time by forcing Alex to get him coffee stole your car and you called the police resulting in him getting pulled over?”

“I didn't know that he was the one who stole it so I was freaking out!” Addison chuckled and mirrored Meredith’s bite of eggs. “He ended up getting arrested because the cop didn’t believe him when he said that he knew me. He used his one phone call to call me and asked me to come bail him out and when I asked why he was arrested he said that he was the one who stole my car. Of course I dropped the charges that way I didn’t have to pay his bail and then I slapped him upside the head.”

“What happened with the girl? Was she with him when he was pulled over?” Meredith asked as she nibbled on the slice of toast.

“She was, when Mark got arrested she called a friend to pick her up because she was horrified that he stole a car to impress her. Let’s just say, there wasn’t a second date.” Addison laughed as she took a bite of her toast.

“Are you copying my moves?” Meredith narrowed her eyes as she took another bite of eggs, Addison immediately taking a bite of her own eggs.

“Is it annoying? I can stop, I just thought that maybe if I follow your lead it would help instead of you sitting here and watching me eat and maybe feeling guilty about your own eating habits.” Addison nervously rambled.

“It actually is helping.” Meredith admitted. “I don’t like eating with people because I find myself paying too much attention to the size of the bites they take and part of me feels guilty that I can’t eat as if it’s not a big deal, and the other part of me feels a sick satisfaction that I take such small bites. You taking the same size bites as me and following my lead not only helps the guilt, but it stops the little voice in my head that tells me that I’m doing great because I have self control.”

“Well then I’m glad I can help.” Addison smiled as she patiently waited for Meredith to take her next bite while she continued telling her stories. After the blonde had eaten half of her eggs and the entire slice of toast she pushed her plate away. “I’m proud of you Angel.” The redhead smiled as she stood up and walked over to kiss Meredith’s forehead.

“Why?” Meredith looked up at Addison with a confused expression. “I didn’t finish.”

“It’s okay that you didn’t finish. All that matters is that you put something in your system. You have an eating disorder and I know that it’ll take time before you feel safe enough to eat without anxiety. As long as you’re trying, that’s what I care about.” Addison explained.

“I love you.” Meredith whimpered as she threw her arms around Addison and broke down in grateful sobs. “Thank you for not expecting me to just be okay.”

“I love you too, Angel.” Addison rubbed Meredith’s back. “Do you want to take a shower before we go and visit your mom?”

“Together?” Meredith pulled away and wrapped her arms around herself. “What if you don’t like my body?” Addison knelt down in front of the blonde’s chair and lifted her chin with a soft smile.

“Angel, I’ve seen you naked before and I love your body. Your body is beautiful, it’s perfect. You don’t have to be embarrassed, but if you would be more comfortable showering separately then I will respect that.” Addison promised.

“I…” Meredith swallowed roughly. “I’m sorry that we haven’t been having sex lately, but I gained weight and I didn’t want you to think that I was gross. I’m still not ready for sex, but maybe showering together would be okay. You just can’t stare at me.”

“Okay.” Addison nodded. “I will do my best not to stare at you, but it may be a little difficult because I think you’re a goddess and your boobs alone are enough to make me drool. As for sex, as long as you don’t stop cuddling me I can live without sex. I’m not with you for sex.”

“You’re the goddess here. Also I will never stop cuddling you, you’re far too comfortable.” Meredith rolled her eyes with a giggle. “Let’s go shower.” She bent forward and kissed Addison softly. The two went upstairs and took a quick shower where the redhead kept her promise and didn’t stare at her girlfriend, no matter how much she missed seeing her naked and wanted to sneak a peek. Meredith’s comfort was far more important.

An hour later the two pulled up in front of the care home Ellis was living in. Meredith took a deep breath as she unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to Addison. “Are you sure you want to come in with me?”

“Yes, I am positive.” Addison nodded and gently caressed Meredith’s cheek. “You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone and if you’re okay with it, I would like to start coming with you. That way I can support you and have a better idea of what you’re going through. I want to understand you better Angel, I want to understand how someone as beautiful and perfect as you could even think for a second that they don’t deserve me.”

“You always know exactly what to say.” Meredith sniffles as tears started to slip down her cheeks. “Let’s see how today goes and then we can talk.”

“Okay.” Addison smiled and pecked Meredith’s lips before unbuckling her seat belt and getting out of the car. She walked around the driver's side to open the blonde’s door and offered her a hand out of the car. They walked into the care home and after signing in at the front desk, they started walking down the hall to Ellis’s room.

“Great.” Meredith rolled her eyes as she heard the sound of her mother’s voice yelling. “She seems to be in a fantastic mood.” Addison smiled sympathetically and squeezed the blonde’s hand.

“If you don’t feel up to going in there it doesn’t make you a bad daughter.” Addison assured Meredith in a soft and loving voice. “Whatever you want to do, I am right there with you.”

“I should at least say hi.” Meredith after a long moment of thinking. She walked into Ellis’s room with a tight grip on Addison’s hand and immediately felt her mothers cold eyes on her. “Hi mom… this is Addison.”

“Meredith I am working!” Ellis barked. “How many times have I told you not to bother me when I’m at work?! As if bothering me isn’t bad enough, you’re dragging this woman away from her own work!” She turned her gaze to Addison. “I’m sorry for her, I never even wanted to have her, but her father insisted that I not abort yet somehow I get stuck with her constantly. Men.” Ellis rolled her eyes as Addison looked at her horrified. Meredith looked down at her feet and tried desperately to blink her tears away, but Ellis noticed them and walked towards her and grabbed her chin. “Oh you’re going to cry? Buck up Meredith. You are five years old, you are too old to cry every time you hear something that you don’t like!”

“I-I’m sorry.” Meredith whispered.

“You should be.” Ellis let go of Meredith’s chin and turned away from her and Addison. “You are nothing more than a sniveling little brat. You run around these halls with your anatomy Jane doll babbling about how you’re going to be a surgeon just like your mommy, but you don’t have what it takes. Even if you became a surgeon, you could never be half the surgeon I am!”

“I think she could be an amazing surgeon. I think she’d be amazing at anything if she put her mind to it.” Addison tried her best to stay calm, but the way Ellis talked to and about Meredith filled her with a level of anger that she wasn’t even aware she was capable of.

“Keep believing that.” Ellis snorted as she turned back around. “She’s worthless and is going to grow up to be nothing more than a disappointment.”

“We’re leaving.” Addison put her arm around Meredith’s shoulders as the blonde sobbed and guided her out of the care home and back out to the parking lot. When they were beside the car she pulled the blonde into her arms and held her tightly as she cried. “Nothing she said was true Angel, I am so sorry. Let’s go home and go back to bed. We can cuddle all day.”

“Okay.” Meredith nodded against Addison’s shoulder and let the redhead move her into the passenger seat before getting into the driver’s seat and driving away from the care home and back towards their home. When they got home, they changed back into their pajamas and climbed back into bed where Addison held the blonde tightly. “All I’ve ever wanted was for her to love me, I don’t understand why she doesn’t.”

“I don’t get it either, I don’t understand how anyone couldn’t love you because loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done and you’re just so lovable.” Addison sighed as she played with Meredith’s hair. “For the record, I’m really happy that your dad refused to let her get an abortion. My life is so much better with you in it.”

“Thank you.” Meredith smiled weakly. “I’m going to go back to sleep, please don’t let go of me.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Addison kissed Meredith’s forehead and watched as the blonde drifted off to sleep in her arms, the redhead not far behind her.

Chapter Text

Meredith began to stir a couple hours after her nap, the memories of the visit with Ellis bringing tears to her eyes as she quietly began to sob. She buried her face in Addison’s neck, her tears wetting the redhead’s skin and causing her to wake up.

“Angel?” Addison ran her hand through Meredith’s hair. “Can you look at me?” The blonde shook her head as she continued to cry, her sobs got heavier and caused her shoulders to shake. “Okay, take your time.” She kissed the top of the intern’s head as she drew patterns with her fingers across Meredith’s back. After about ten minutes the blonde’s sobs calmed down and she sat up. “There’s that face I love so much.” Addison cupped the blonde’s cheeks and wiped her tears away.

“Hi.” Meredith whispered as she leaned into Addison’s touch.

“Hi Angel.” Addison offered Meredith a soft smile. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I was just thinking about my mom.” Meredith sighed as she snuggled against Addison again.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about that.” Addison kissed Meredith’s temple. “I really don’t think you seeing her is a good idea right now. After what I witnessed today, I feel like you need to take a break.”

“No.” Meredith shook her head against Addison’s shoulder. “She may be a vicious bitch, but she’s still my mom. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I just left her to rot in a care home. When I was in medical school and she was here it killed me that she was going weeks, sometimes months at a time without visitors. I visited as much as I could, but I was in New Hampshire so I wasn’t able to get here as much as I would have liked. If you would prefer to come with me then I’m okay with that, but I’m going with or without you.”

“Do you really have to put yourself through the mental torture every single day?” Addison asked softly. “Could we at least compromise?”

“You coming with me is a compromise.” Meredith said firmly.

“Angel, I’m just worried.” Addison scratched Meredith’s scalp. “I just want the best for you and if she’s the reason that your eating disorder started and the reason you relapsed, I really don’t think visiting her every day is a good idea for your recovery.”

“It’s not always as bad as it was today. The days that she doesn’t recognize me are horrible for a completely different reason. Yes, it does hurt that my own mother can’t recognize me, but the pain isn’t anything like the pain I experience when she does recognize me.” Meredith explained. “The days she doesn’t recognize me are still traumatic, but only because she thinks I’m one of her friends and talks to me about all the time she’s been spending cheating on my father in an on-call room.”

“You’re kidding?” Addison gasped.

“She goes into quite explicit detail.” Meredith grimaced. “I thought I was living in the hospital because she was performing surgery after surgery, not because someone was making her purr like a kitten.”

“Purr like a kitten?!” Addison’s eyes widened comically, looking as if they were about to burst out of her head.

“When he wasn’t making her roar like a tiger.” Meredith giggled. “But your face is what I’m pretty sure I looked like when she said it to me. My mommy is a dirty whore.”

“Do you know who your mom was having an affair with?” Addison asked.

“Not for sure, but I have my suspicions.” Meredith laid down on her back and stared at the ceiling. “I’m pretty sure it was Richard Webber.”

“What?” Addison blinked rapidly. “You think the chief of surgery was screwing your mother?”

“They were close.” Meredith hummed. “Very close.”

“When your mom was admitted to the hospital he did seem a little too involved.” Addison realized.

“He assigned George to watch her even though she didn’t appear surgical. When George lost my mother, I’m pretty sure the chief was more mad than I was.” Meredith rolled onto her side to face Addison. “If I tell you something, you have to promise not to freak out.”

“I’ll do my best.” Addison promised as she lifted Meredith’s hand to her lips and pressed a soft kiss to each fingertip. “Is that enough?”

“It is.” Meredith smiled with a small blush as Addison kissed the palm of her hand. “When I was five, my dad left and later that same day my mom took me to the park, which was weird. I remember being on the carousel and I was looking around for my mom in the crowd, but I couldn’t find her. If I’m being completely honest with you as well as with myself I momentarily thought that she abandoned me at the park, but when I got off the carousel I saw her. She was screaming and crying as someone walked away. I didn’t get a good enough look at who it was to say if it was Richard or not, but that night my mom hugged me, for the first time in my life.” Meredith started crying. “She hugged me and then she took a scalpel and slit her wrists and fell onto the kitchen floor.”

“In front of you?” Addison asked with horror painted across her face.

“Yeah.” Meredith nodded as she sobbed. “Right on the kitchen floor. Blood was rushing out of her wrist as she collapsed. I was so scared. I ran to the phone, but she asked me not to call 911, that it was just a little blood and not to be scared. I sat on the kitchen floor in a pool of my mother’s blood waiting for her pass out so I could call 911 because I knew if I called when she told me not to, I’d get in trouble for saving her life when she didn’t want to be saved and I didn’t want her to yell at me.”

“But you called when she passed out? Weren’t you scared that you would still get in trouble?” Addison asked gently. Meredith nodded as a gut wrenching sob slipped from her lips.

“I couldn’t let her die, Addie, because if she died, I would be completely alone. My dad was gone and all I had was my mom.” Meredith explained as she broke down. “I knew she’d be mad, but I didn’t want to be alone. So I sat there as her blood soaked my pajamas and she told me to be extraordinary. She said that she had failed, but that I should be extraordinary, that I shouldn’t depend on anyone. She said to be an extraordinary woman, and then her eyes fluttered shut and her body went limp. I thought she was dead so I felt her wrist and found a pulse, then I called 911. The doctor told me that I should be proud of myself because I saved my mother’s life, but she didn’t want to be saved. When she got out of the hospital she woke me up in the middle of the night and packed my things in a suitcase. We got in the car and drove to Boston and we stayed there until she got Alzheimer’s. Every Time I go into the kitchen I feel like I can’t breathe because I just flashback to that night. Sometimes she even reenacts it for me when I visit her. That’s how my relapse started, because I couldn’t go in the kitchen to get food and you’re not always here. It wasn’t ever that I had the conscious thought of ‘oh I’m not going to eat.’ It was that I couldn’t handle going in there, so I would go hungry and then I realized that I was skipping meals and could still do my job. I was so strong because I didn’t need food to have the energy for internship and I became obsessed with that. Maybe I can’t help my mom, but I can still be the top of my class doing up to one hundred hours a week without eating more than one meal a day. That’s how it gets you, it feeds on your insecurities, and it turned my insecurities into a goddamn buffet.” She let out a humorous laugh as Addison pulled her into her arms and held her tightly.

“Angel, my love, I am so fucking sorry.” Addison said seriously as she kissed Meredith’s tears away. “Maybe we should move? This house clearly doesn’t have a lot of good memories for you and I want you to be able to go into any room in our home without having flashbacks to a traumatic event like that. I know it won’t fix everything, but maybe it will help.”

“Maybe.” Meredith whispered. “Do you think I should go back into therapy? After I left the treatment center as a teenager I was in therapy until after I graduated college. I stopped when I went to Europe and then when my mom got sick I considered going back, but I told myself that I could handle it. Then I moved back to Seattle and into this house, and I can’t handle this.” She confessed, breaking down into painful sobs once more. “I’m so scared, but this little voice in my head says everything will be okay as long as I keep my self control, but the last time I listened to that voice I almost died. I don’t want to die, Addie.” The blonde’s voice broke. “I don’t want to leave you. You are the first person that I can be my full self with. All the little things that my mom told me no one would like, all the things I have fought to conceal ever since I was a little girl, you bring them out of me and you love them. I don’t want to lose you, but if I keep listening to this voice I know it’ll eventually convince me to push you away because you want me to live and it doesn’t. It wants me dead and I don’t think I want that.”

“You’re not going to die, I won’t let that happen.” Addison promised as she pressed a soft kiss to Meredith’s forehead. “You beat this once Meredith and I believe you can beat it again with the right kind of support, so we’re going to make a plan and we’re going to make it together. We may fight over it, but eventually we will come to a resolution and then we will execute the plan and even then we may fight, but I don’t care because what we are fighting for is your life, and if we fight along the way that’s okay. I am not giving up on you Meredith Grey so don’t you dare give up on me and don’t you dare give up on yourself.” She gasped in shock when the blonde pounced on her and kissed her deeply for a long moment before pulling away, both of them breathing heavily.

“I love you.” Meredith cupped Addison’s face. “What’s the plan? Because I truthfully don’t know where to start, you’re the one in this relationship who makes plans, so you run some ideas by me and I’ll either approve or deny. Sounds good?”

“Sounds great.” Addison smiled and pulled Meredith to lay her head on her chest while she started playing with her honey blonde hair. “I do think a therapist would be a good idea, if you would be more comfortable seeing someone outside of the hospital then we can look into some private therapists. What do you think about that?”

“I think that’s a good idea.” Meredith agreed. “I don’t think I would be able to handle my eating disorder becoming hospital business and if I see someone at the hospital it would just be too much of a risk that others could find out and even the possibility of that happening makes me feel stressed out.”

“Okay, we can look into some different therapists so we can find the right one for you. I also think you should have a physical exam because if your kidneys were shutting down when you were fifteen, it’s possible that your kidneys as well as other organs were damaged and I just want to make sure that you’re okay. Would you be comfortable with that? Again, you don’t have to see someone in the hospital.”

“That does make me more nervous than a therapist.” Meredith confessed with a sigh. “I know it’s important, but I really don’t want to end up in the hospital and if I get a physical exam they could decide that I need to be hospitalized and Addie I really don’t want that.”

“I understand that you don’t want that Angel and I don’t want that either, but if it’s the best thing for you then it’s the best thing for you.” Addison argued. “I truthfully don’t think we’re there yet and if anything I think the biggest concern would be that you’re dehydrated and just need fluids. I don’t think we’ve really reached where you were as a teenager yet, do you? You would know better than me after all since I didn’t know you then.”

“No.” Meredith shook her head honestly. “I still eat at least once every day. When I was hospitalized at fifteen I would only eat every few days and even then it was usually just a protein bar or something.”

“Then I think it would be a safe assumption that you don’t need to be hospitalized, but I still think a physical exam would be a good idea.” Addison scratched Meredith’s scalp.

“Fine.” Meredith grumbled. “I guess I can agree to that, but not at the hospital.”

“Okay.” Addison nodded. “Thank you for agreeing Angel. We can also start to look at other houses for us to move to and if you’re not ready to let go of this place completely, I hear that George’s mom irons his scrubs so he would probably rent it from you.”

“He and Izzie did both want to move in here when I was looking for roommates, but I was hesitant because we work together and then you convinced me to go on a date with you and I wanted to be able to have sex without an audience so I ditched my roommate search.” Meredith giggled. “I’ll talk to them and see if they would have interest in renting it while you start looking for a new house. My only requirement is a bathtub deep enough to cover my knees and boobs at the same time.”

“I can work with that.” Addison chuckled. “There’s one more thing.”

“You want me to stop visiting my mom everyday.” Meredith rolled her eyes. “I believe that was vetoed before we started this.”

“Angel, could I at least get you to agree to every other day?” Addison sighed. “At least for a little while? We can do a trial period and if you really can’t stand it after two weeks, we can talk about us going every day instead of every other day.”

“Us?” Meredith felt tears brimming in her eyes. “You’re going to come with me?”

“Of course I am.” Addison brought her thumb up to wipe Meredith’s tears before they had the chance to fall. “I meant it when I said that I don’t want you going through this alone and that I want to understand you better. I want to understand your childhood and how you grew up. I want to understand everything about you because I love you and I want to help you.”

“Thank you.” Meredith smiled as she kissed Addison softly. “I love you too.” She snuggled closer to the redhead feeling a small amount of relief at the prospect of having a plan, but she was also scared. Even with a plan in place there was still so much uncertainty and uncertainty had always scared the blonde. She trusted Addison more than she had ever trusted another person and she knew the redhead would never do anything to hurt her, but the little voice in her head swore that Addison wasn’t really trying to help, that she was only trying to control Meredith and that she couldn’t be trusted. It was hard to fight against that voice, but as she laid in her girlfriend’s arms, she knew that she wanted to at least try.

Three days later Meredith sat in the office of Dr. Natalia Jacobs, the therapist that she and Addison had found together. Since first formulating a plan, every step had been taken together and with a lot of communication which helped the blonde feel safer, but there was still a lot of anxiety. She stared ahead of Natalia, her gaze focused on the wall until she felt a soft squeeze on her hand. “I’m sorry, I zoned out a little bit.” She blinked a few times as Addison wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“That’s alright Meredith.” Natalia smiled reassuringly. “Addison was just filling me in on what has happened the past couple of days and what led you to come to therapy, but now I want to hear from you. Addison can stay if you want or she can leave. It’s up to you and whatever makes you most comfortable.”

“I want her to stay.” Meredith whispered. “But I’m scared that if she stays, she won’t love me anymore.”

“Why do you think she won’t love you anymore?” Natalia leaned forward slightly in her seat.

“I’ve told her more than I’ve ever told another person about my past, but there’s still so much that I haven’t told her and I’m really scared that if she knows, she won’t be able to handle it.” Meredith explained as she turned to face Addison. “I want you here because you make me feel safe, but I am terrified that the more you know about me, the more you’ll see that I don’t deserve you and it may be selfish because I know that you deserve better, but I really love you and I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re not going to lose me Angel, no matter what you say, I am not going anywhere.” Addison promised as she wiped the tears that had started to flow down Meredith’s cheeks. “I want to understand you better baby, help me understand.”

“Okay.” Meredith nodded and turned back to Natalia. “What do you want to know?”

“Your eating disorder started when you were thirteen?” Natalia asked.

“Yes.” Meredith confirmed.

“And it started due to your mother’s verbal abuse?” Natalia asked.

“Yes, I thought that maybe if I was smaller, she wouldn’t notice me and she would leave me alone, but it soon became more about the control that I felt. I felt empowered everytime I skipped a meal, especially because my mom couldn’t skip meals. It was the first thing I could do that she couldn’t.” Meredith explained.

“Before you took control with your eating, did you ever do anything else to help yourself feel in control?” Natalia asked carefully. Meredith nodded with a wobbly lip as tears sprang to her eyes. “What did you do, Meredith?”

“I used to scratch myself with a needle, not enough to really break the skin, but the pain, it helped.” Meredith confessed. “Everytime my mom said something mean, I would scratch myself and it made me feel better.”

“It was a pain that you could control?” Natalia gathered, her expression sympathetic.

“Yeah.” Meredith nodded and harshly wiped the tears from her face. “It started when I was ten and continued until the eating disorder started. Once that started, I didn’t feel the need to scratch myself anymore. Starving myself helped more than that ever could because when I scratched myself, no matter how hard I tried, I could never get myself to break the skin and my mom she could break her skin.”

“What do you mean?” Natalia questioned as she made a few notes in her notebook.

“When I was five years old my mother slit her wrists in front of me.” Meredith said. “And then she spent the rest of my life making me feel like a horrible person because I saved her life when I knew that she didn’t want me to. And I’m pissed off and I’m angry and I hate her for doing that to me, but I hate myself even more because I didn’t call 911 because I loved my mother and wanted her to live. I called 911 because I was scared to be alone. My dad was gone and I wasn’t going to just sit there and let my mother die. Had I just listened and not called 911, maybe I would have had a happier life. Maybe I would have ended up with a family who actually loved me.”

“You’re angry?” Natalia echoed.

“I’m fucking furious.” Meredith spat through gritted teeth.

“Good. Use that to drive you, not hinder you. Instead of punishing yourself for saving your mother when she didn’t want to be saved, use that anger to help yourself break this toxic thread that has caused you so much pain. Even if you didn’t call 911, even if you listened to your mother and just let her die, you would still be angry at both her and yourself. You would be angry at her for leaving you in such a traumatic way and you would be angry at yourself for not calling 911 even if that’s not what she wanted. Sure, maybe you would have ended up in a family that had the ability to love you, but would you have the ability to let yourself be loved after letting your mother bleed out on the kitchen floor?” Natalia asked with a raised eyebrow. “Your mother has done nothing but cause you pain since you were five years old, but it’s all you know and it can be scary to do things differently, I get that, but as long as you keep putting yourself in the position where she can hurt you more you will not get better.”

“You think I should stop visiting her?” Meredith whispered.

“I think you should stop telling yourself that you have to visit her. I think that you should stop thinking that you owe her something when you do not owe her a damn thing. I think that you need to realize that your mother is not God, her word is not law and just because she says that you’re worthless does not mean that that’s true.” Natalia pointed out. “I would like to help you get to a place where you realize that you and your mother are not two sides of the same coin, but it’s not going to be easy and you can’t quit because you get scared and you will get scared, because the closer we get to separating your self worth from your mother’s opinions the closer we get to you beating your eating disorder and your eating disorder will not go down without a fight. So are you prepared for a fight?”

“Yes.” Meredith whispered as she looked up and took a deep breath. “I’m no quitter.”

Chapter Text

Meredith walked around the house that Addison had found for them with a smile. She turned to her girlfriend who was waiting with bated breath. “I love it, you did good.”

“Really?” Addison smiled. “You think we can make this our home?”

“Absolutely.” Meredith nodded as she walked over to Addison and kissed her softly. “I’m not saying that moving to a house where my mother didn’t slit her wrists in the kitchen will mean that I’ll just be able to walk into the kitchen and eat, but I think it’ll help.”

“I know this won’t fix everything, but it’s a step in the right direction.” Addison brushed Meredith’s hair behind her ear. “We can move in immediately so I guess it’s a good thing that most of your stuff is still packed from when you first moved into your childhood home.”

“I’ll give Izzie and George their keys when we get to work and let them know that they’re free to start moving in.” Meredith smiled as they walked back out to Addison’s car and started towards the hospital.

“How has therapy been going?” Addison asked as she glanced towards Meredith in the passenger's seat.

“Good, I don’t feel as guilty about not visiting my mom every single day, especially since what happened last time we went.” Meredith rolled her eyes and clenched her fists as she remembered when she and Addison went to visit Ellis the week before. They were told that the woman was in the day room and were both shocked when they saw Richard Webber sitting with her. Meredith immediately went to the front desk where she found out that the man had been visiting her mother just about every day and that her mother was never happier than she was when Richard visited. She turned and walked out with Addison close by and hadn’t been back to see Ellis since.

“Have you decided if you're going to confront Richard yet?” Addison asked as she moved one of her hands to lay over Meredith’s clenched fists to silently encourage the blonde to calm down a bit.

“I don’t know.” Meredith sighed as she unclenched her fists. “Every single time I see him I just get so angry that I want to scream.”

“I can’t say I blame you.” Addison hummed. “So you’re pretty positive that he was who your mom was having an affair with?”

“You saw them together, friends don’t act like that.” Meredith shook her head as they pulled into the hospital parking lot. “I have to get to the locker room before Bailey kills me. I’ll see you at lunch?”

“Yes.” Addison kissed Meredith softly. “Have a good day and I’ll see you for lunch.” The blonde waved as she got out of the car and ran towards the locker room. She quickly changed into her scrubs and then grabbed two sets of keys out of her bag before walking over to Izzie and George.

“Hey, here are the keys to the house. You guys can start moving in whenever you want. The house that Addie found is officially ours as of this morning so we're probably going to start moving after work tonight.” Meredith explained as she handed them the keys.

“Thank you so much!” Izzie threw her arms around Meredith, causing the shorter blonde to freeze and go rigid in her arms. “Mer?” The taller blonde pulled away and noticed the vacant look in Meredith’s eyes. “Cristina!”

“What’s going on?” Cristina ran over and saw Meredith standing there frozen while Izzie and George both looked slightly freaked out.

“I don’t know.” Izzie shrugged. “She gave George and I the keys so we could start moving in and I hugged her to say thank you and she just froze. I didn’t mean to upset her or anything, I was just excited.” She rambled nervously as Meredith just continued to stand there. “Should I get Bailey?”

“Why? So she can scare Meredith out of her daze?” Cristina sighed. “I’ll take care of her.” She led the frozen intern over to a bench and helped her sit down. “Mer, can you hear me? Come on, you’re scaring me.”

“Addie, get Addie.” Meredith blinked rapidly as she started pinching her arm. Cristina nodded and ran out of the locker room. Addison was just about to step onto the elevator when she heard the intern yelling for her.

“Dr. Montgomery!” Cristina jogged up to her and paused to catch her breath.

“What’s going on, Dr. Yang?” Addison raised a curious and slightly nervous eyebrow.

“It’s Meredith.” Cristina said simply. Without another word Addison took off running towards the locker room, nearly colliding with Bailey.

“Woah, Montgomery.” Bailey leaned up against the wall as she steadied herself. “Where’s the fire?”

“I don’t have time right now Miranda!” Addison yelled over her shoulder as she ran into the locker room and knelt in front of Meredith. “Angel?” She moved the blonde’s hand away from her arm to stop her from pinching herself, instead interlacing their fingers together. “What’s wrong?” Meredith’s eyes darted around as the other interns and now Bailey all stared at her with confused and concerned eyes.

“I… um.” Meredith took a deep breath.

“Bailey, I need to take Meredith for a few minutes.” Addison stood up and guided the blonde to stand up.

“Montgomery.” Bailey started, but shut up when Addison put her hand up. “Fine, take her. She’s on Sloan’s service today so when you’re done with her send her to find him. You have Karev.”

“Okay.” Addison nodded. “Karev when Bailey dismisses you, just wait for me outside of my office.” Alex nodded and she guided Meredith out of the locker room and to the elevator. Once they were in her office she sat down on the couch with Meredith in lap and scratched her scalp soothingly. “What happened in the locker room?”

“It’s embarrassing.” Meredith whispered.

“You never have to be embarrassed when it comes to me, Angel.” Addison assured her. “Just tell me what happened, I promise not to judge you.”

“Izzie hugged me and I completely froze.” Meredith sighed. “I don’t do well with physical contact like that, you’re the only exception. I don’t like being hugged or touched so when she hugged me I just froze. She didn’t do anything wrong, it's just…” Tears formed in her eyes as she felt a knot in her stomach. “I was never hugged as a child, except for once. I don’t know how to respond to affection because the only time I was hugged as a child my mom then picked up a scalpel and slit her wrists. That’s not a happy memory for me so when Izzie hugged me I felt so cold and I was scared.” She sobbed. “She didn’t know any better, she couldn’t have known, but that’s what happened.”

“Is that why when we first started dating you weren’t very big on physical contact outside of sex?” Addison asked as she wiped Meredith’s tears from her face.

“Yeah.” Meredith rasped with a small nod. “Then overtime, I realized that you were different and you were safe. You made me feel safe so it was okay to hug you and to cuddle with you because I knew that it wouldn’t end in my having to wait for you to pass out from blood loss so I could call 911, but it took a lot of time and trust for me to get to that point with you. I’m not there with anyone else and I really don’t know if I ever will be.”

“That’s okay, you don’t need to be.” Addison kissed Meredith’s lips softly. “When Cristina came and found me she looked so panicked I half expected to find you dead when I got to that locker room.”

“I asked her to go get you and she immediately took off.” Meredith smiled. “She’s a good friend. The best even.”

“I’m glad that you have her.” Addison smiled sincerely. “Do you need another minute or are you ready to go find Mark?”

“I’m ready.” Meredith smiled and stood up. “Thank you for coming to check on me, I love you.”

“I love you too, I’ll see you at lunch. You being with Mark makes my stealing you when I have time to take my break so much easier considering he’s slightly afraid of me.” Addison chuckled.

“Isn’t he your best friend?” Meredith giggled as she walked towards the door.

“Yes, doesn’t mean I can’t find joy in him being scared of me.” Addison shrugged.

“Good point. I love you.” Meredith blew Addison a kiss before walking out into the hall where Alex was waiting. “You can go in now, I’m going to find Sloan.”

“Are you okay?” Alex asked with concern leaking into his voice.

“Yeah, I’m doing better now.” Meredith nodded. “I just don’t really like being touched, especially without warning. I’m not mad at Izzie because she didn’t know and she was just excited, she didn’t do anything wrong.” She walked away before Alex could respond and went to find Mark who was by the nurses station flirting with a nurse. “Dr. Sloan? I’m your intern today.” Mark turned away from the nurse and smiled when he saw Meredith standing there.

“Grey!” Mark beamed and walked over to her. “We potentially have a fun surgery today.” He handed her the chart.

“Wow.” Meredith’s eyes lit up. “Why do you say potentially?”

“Well, it’s risky and even though the patient already gave his consent, the chief may not agree with the approach.” Mark explained.

“I can talk to him for you and explain that this is the patient’s best shot.” Meredith offered. “He’s an old family friend so I can probably get him to listen better than you can.”

“Are you sure? Do you at least want me to come with you?” Mark asked.

“No, I got this McSteamy.” Meredith smirked as she grabbed the chart and the scans and walked away. After finding Izzie and apologizing, she put the surgery on the board and reserved the OR. Finally she got coffee for her and Mark from the coffee cart and then found the plastic surgeon and handed him his coffee. “Richard gave us the seal of approval so I went ahead and put the surgery on the board and reserved the OR.”

“Grey, you are a miracle worker!” Mark smiled as he took a sip of his coffee.

“I just told him that it’s the type of surgery that my mother would absolutely love.” Meredith lied smoothly. She followed Mark to the patient’s room and after running pre op labs they were scrubbing in. “I can’t believe I get to scrub in on a facial reconstruction!”

“Well you’re the one who made this possible, it’s only fair that you scrub in.” Mark chuckled. They entered the OR and the patient was put under anesthesia, but before Mark could begin Richard burst into the OR.

“Dr. Sloan, what makes you think that you can perform a full facial reconstruction in MY hospital without clearing it with me first?” Richard yelled as Mark turned to look at him confused.

“Dr. Grey said that you approved it.” Mark answered as he glanced at Meredith who was emotionless. “Meredith, what’s going on?”

“What’s going on is that Dr. Grey lied to you and is going to get her ass to my office.” Richard demanded. “Now.” Meredith shrugged as she strode past the chief of surgery without a care in the world and scrubbed out. “Is the patient already under?”

“Yes.” Mark nodded. “Dr. Webber, I swear I thought we had your permission. I would never do this type of surgery without your clearance.”

“I’ll send you another intern to take Dr. Grey’s place.” Richard sighed. “I trust that this surgery is in the patient’s best interest?”

“Yes, and they know the risks.” Mark assured Richard who nodded and after sending Cristina to take Meredith’s place in the surgery, went to his office where the blonde was waiting for him with a disinterested expression on her face.

“What were you thinking?” Richard demanded as he sat down at his desk. “You lied to an attending surgeon and said that you had my permission to do a risky surgery when you never once came to talk to me!”

“So?” Meredith looked at Richard with a defiant glint in her eyes.

“So? That’s how you speak to the chief, so?” Richard looked at Meredith in disbelief.

“I figured you’d be fine with it, after all it is the type of surgery that my mother would love and I know you too are close.” Meredith looked at Richard with accusatory eyes.

“Meredith.” Richard sighed. “I don’t know what you think you know, but your mother is just a good friend.”

“Yeah I also screw my good friends in on call rooms while my five year old daughter is running around the hospital unsupervised.” Meredith rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t positive that it was you that she was having an affair with, but then I saw you with her at Roseridge and friends may hold hands, but they don’t hold hands like that. So please, do not treat me like I’m fucking stupid and tell me that you’re just friends.”

“It was a long time ago, we did have an affair, but we ended things right before the two of you moved to Boston.” Richard explained.

“You were in the park that day? The day she told my dad to leave?” Meredith asked.

“Yes, that was the day I ended things. I couldn’t leave my wife like she wanted me to.” Richard swallowed harshly as it all clicked in Meredith’s head.

“My mother tried to kill herself that day.” Meredith revealed through gritted teeth. “Did you know that?” Her voice raised to an angry yell. “Did you fucking know that?!”

“No, I…” Richard took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“You’re sorry?” Meredith started laughing. “My mother slit her wrists in front of me and forbid me from calling 911 and you’re sorry? I had to sit in a pool of my mother’s blood and all you can say is that you’re sorry?!” Meredith stood up. “Fuck you. Fuck you! FUCK YOU!” She screamed as she slammed the door behind her, the blood pumping in her ears as she ran up the stairs to Addison’s office and grabbed the keys to the redhead’s car. After scribbling a quick note and leaving it on her girlfriend’s desk she left the hospital and got in the front seat of Addison’s car. After hitting the steering wheel in a fit of anger she turned the keys to start the car and drove home.

Meredith walked into what was once her mother’s office and found the box containing Ellis’ journals and found the ones dated from her time at Seattle Grace and began reading as tears poured down her cheeks.

“Come on Meredith, answer the phone.” Addison groaned. “Fuck.” She hung up as Meredith’s phone went to voicemail for the fifth time. After taking a deep breath she went to find Mark, who was still in surgery. The redhead put a mask over her face as she entered the OR. “Mark, what happened with Meredith? She left me a note that she was going home and took my keys since we drove in together and now she’s not answering the phone.”

“Honestly Addie, I don’t know.” Mark sighed. “I told her that we needed the chief’s approval in order to do this surgery and she said she would talk to him, took the charts and scans and left. About twenty minutes later she came back and said that he said it was a go, but then Richard stormed in here right before I started the surgery and was furious that I scheduled a facial reconstruction without his permission. Meredith never actually talked to him, she lied to me. He told her to wait for him in his office and then found me another intern.”

“Fuck. Mark, I need your car keys, are they in your office?” Addison practically begged.

“Yeah.” Mark nodded. “Is everything okay? I know it’s not like Meredith to pull something like that.”

“No, everything’s not okay.” Addison admitted. “But it will be, she will be.” She ran from the OR to Mark’s office and found his car keys. Once she got to the house she ran inside, the silence that met her filling her with fear. “Angel?” She yelled. “Mer, where are you?” A door down the hall opened and Meredith shuffled into the entryway wrapped in a blanket with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay.” Addison wrapped the blonde in her arms and led her over to the couch.

“How did you get here?” Meredith asked quietly as she laid her head in Addison’s lap.

“When I saw your note I tried calling you, but you didn’t answer, so I borrowed Mark’s car.” Addison explained as she began to card her hand through Meredith’s hair.

“Is Mark mad at me?” Meredith turned and looked up at Addison with glassy, bloodshot eyes.

“No, he’s worried about you and so am I.” Addison looked at Meredith with a soft expression. “What happened in Richard’s office?”

“He tried to deny that he had an affair with my mom, but I told him that I saw them together and that friends don’t hold hands like that so not to treat me like I was stupid. He admitted it, but said they ended things right before we moved to Boston. I asked him if he was in the park that day and he said yes, that he was there to end things because he couldn’t leave his wife. I told him my mother tried to kill herself that night and asked if he knew, but he said that he didn’t and then he apologized. When he said that he was sorry, I flipped out. I screamed ‘fuck you’ as I left his office and then I went and got your keys and drove home. I was in my mom’s old office reading her journals, that’s why I didn’t answer your phone calls.” Meredith explained. “It turns out that they agreed to leave their spouses and be together, she left my dad, but Richard backed out and then…” the blonde’s voice broke.

“And then she tried to kill herself.” Addison finished for her as she embraced Meredith tightly. “I am so sorry, baby.” The blonde let out loud, painful sobs as she melted into the redhead’s arms, finally letting herself go.

“She left my dad for him, and then he just backed out. That’s why she told me that I shouldn’t depend on anyone, because Richard let her down.” Meredith sobbed. “She blew up her life for him and he just walked away while she screamed and sobbed in a park, but he just kept walking. I sat in my mother’s blood because of him and now I’m expected to respect him just because he’s the chief of surgery? I can’t. I just can’t.”

“As an attending surgeon I should not say this to you, but as your girlfriend I don’t care. Respect is something that you earn, it’s not something that should be freely given due to a job title. Just because he’s the chief of surgery doesn’t mean you should have to respect him, but he is your boss and you do have to act professional.” Addison held Meredith close as the blonde’s sobs began to calm down. “You don’t have to respect him, but you do need to act professionally, even if all you want to do is slap him in his stupid face.”

“I would like to slap his stupid face.” Meredith giggled. “You should go back to work, I’m not going, but you should.”

“After lunch.” Addison kissed Meredith’s forehead.

“I don’t think that I can eat.” Meredith muttered. “I feel sick.”

“You have to try.” Addison said softly. “Just something small.”

“Okay.” Meredith nodded. “I’ll try.”

“That’s my girl.” Addison smiled proudly and leaned forward to capture Meredith’s lips in a soft kiss full of love and affection.

Chapter Text

That night Mark drove Addison home and could sense the unease in the redhead. As he pulled into the driveway, he hit the lock on the passenger door to delay his best friend’s inevitable escape attempt. “You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what the hell was going on with Meredith today.”

“Why don’t you come inside and ask her yourself?” Addison suggested. “Just please don’t freak out on her, she knows that she was wrong.”

“I’m not going to freak out on her, I’m just confused and worried. She hasn’t seemed much like herself lately.” Mark sighed as he unlocked Addison’s door and followed her into the house.

“Angel? I’m home and Mark is with me!” Addison called as she walked into the house.

“I’m upstairs!” Meredith yelled from hers and Addison’s bedroom. “Can you bring me some water?”

“Of course!” Addison walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water before walking upstairs and into the bedroom with Mark behind her. She smiled when she saw Meredith sitting on the floor packing. “Here Angel.” She handed the blonde the water bottle and kissed her tenderly.

“Thank you baby.” Meredith smiled while she opened the bottle and took a large sip of water. She glanced over to where Mark was leaning against the doorframe. “I owe you an apology.”

“You owe me an explanation.” Mark sighed. “What were you thinking? Mer, you could have gotten fired for that stunt you pulled.”

“I know, it was stupid and childish and petty, but I recently found out that the reason my parents got divorced was because Richard was banging my mom and now he’s visiting her in the care home behind my back and I was angry. I knew that there was a chance he would say no to the surgery and after looking at the charts and scans, I just didn’t want to take a chance of that happening so I lied and said that Richard approved it that way the patient got the surgery they needed and I could get some petty revenge on Richard for destroying my childhood.” Meredith explained. “I really am sorry.”

“I’m not mad, I’m just concerned. I know that you have a tendency to be a little reckless and impulsive, but I never thought that you would do something this crazy.” Mark watched as Meredith was near tears and began to feel awful. “Mer, you don’t have to cry.”

“I’m fine.” Meredith whispered as she wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand. “I messed up and now I don’t know if I can even go back to work.”

“Did Richard tell you that you couldn’t come back to work?” Mark asked as he moved to sit next to Meredith on the floor.

“No, but I did storm out of his office screaming ‘fuck you’ at the top of my lungs.” Meredith chuckled dryly. “If you could have seen the looks that I received when I left his office, you wouldn’t want to go back either.”

“So you can’t go back, or you don’t want to?” Mark asked.

“The only way I can go back is if it’s as the star of the rumor mill and I don’t want that.” Meredith sighed. “Plus I don’t think that I can ever look at Richard again and with him being the chief of surgery, I’d have to look at him.”

“Or you could just look past him. Even if he’s talking to you, just look past him. Don’t be rude and ignore him, but it is possible to have a conversation with someone without making eye contact. Don’t give up on what you’ve been working for because of Richard Webber. He’s not worth it.” Mark said sincerely as he stood up. “I hope that I see you at work tomorrow.” Meredith watched as he walked out of the room and thought about what he said. She didn’t realize that she was crying until she felt Addison wipe the tears from her face and pull her into a hug.

“I’m really proud of you.” Addison pressed a kiss to Meredith’s hair. “I know that couldn’t have been easy.”

“He’s right, I have to go back.” Meredith whispered. “I can’t let Richard and my mom stop me from being a surgeon. What happened was a long time ago. I have to move on.” She untangled herself from Addison and stood up to continue packing.

“Why don’t you take a break from packing and we can go out for dinner?” Addison suggested as she felt Meredith’s mood begin to dip.

“Not hungry.” Meredith mumbled and walked into the closet before coming back with arms full of clothes which she laid at the end of the bed.

“You know that’s not an answer.” Addison said softly. “If you don’t feel like going out we could just order something or I could cook or…” She was cut off by Meredith turning around and glaring at her.

“I said I’m not hungry! Can you please give it a rest?! I’m not going to die if I skip one fucking meal!” Meredith screamed and then covered her face with her hands as she broke down crying.

“Angel, can you look at me?” Addison asked softly. Meredith shook her head as she began to hyperventilate. “Baby, I need you to calm down.” She pried the hands away from the blonde’s face and guided her to sit down on the bed. “Name five things that you can see.”

“You, the closet, the box on the floor, the bottle of water, and that weird stain on the carpet.” Meredith whispered through labored breaths.

“Good girl. Now name four things that you can touch.” Addison directed.

“Um, my sweatpants, the bed, the floor, and you.” Meredith gulped as she began to slowly calm down.

“Three things you can hear.” Addison prompted next.

“My heart pounding in my ears, your voice, and the rain hitting the window.” Meredith took a deep breath. “Okay, I’m better now. Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me, but you do have to eat dinner.” Addison interlaced her fingers with Meredith’s and squeezed softly.

“I’m not hungry.” Meredith muttered quietly.

“If you can’t eat for you can you at least eat for me?” Addison pleaded with a cracking voice.

“I ate breakfast and lunch today Addie, I don’t need to eat dinner.” Meredith argued.

“Angel, please. You’re angry at your mom and Richard, but starving yourself isn’t going to change anything. I am worried about you. Your reaction to normal human emotions is to punish yourself and that’s not okay. I’m scared.” Addison sobbed. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Meredith whispered. “I don't want to go out.”

“We don’t have to, I can cook or we can order something. Whatever you want to do.” Addison promised.

“Can you make grilled cheese?” Meredith turned her head to look at Addison. She reached over and wiped the tears from the redhead’s face with her thumb.

“I can.” Addison smiled and kissed Meredith’s lips lightly. “Do you want me to call you when it’s ready or do you want to come downstairs with me?”

“I’m going to keep packing, just call me when it’s ready.” Meredith pecked Addison’s lips once more before standing up and sorting through the clothes that she had pulled out of the closet. Once she heard Addison make it down the stairs, she went into the bathroom and found the laxatives hidden in the back of the medicine cabinet and popped a couple in her mouth and swallowed them down with a small sip of water.

“Angel! Dinners ready!” Addison walked to the bottom of the stairs and yelled up to Meredith, who appeared a few moments later.

“It smells great.” Meredith smiled tightly and kissed Addison on the lips before walking into the dining room. She sat down at the table and was immediately overcome by a wave of nausea as she looked at the grilled cheese and glass of milk, her brain turning the meal into nothing but numbers. The blonde took a deep breath and picked up the sandwich and took a small bite, her leg bouncing in a fit of anxiety as she chewed the small bite twenty times before swallowing.

Addison tried to hide that she was staring, but it didn’t matter because Meredith was so stuck in her own head that she didn’t notice anything that was going on around her. After her third bite, she could feel her stomach start to churn as the laxatives she had taken were starting to work. The blonde squeezed her eyes shut as she felt the stomach pain increase by the second and she dropped the grilled cheese back onto her plate before bolting from the table and running to the bathroom.

“Angel?” Addison knocked on the bathroom door lightly.

“I’m okay.” Meredith responded weakly. “I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

“You don’t sound okay.” Addison tried and failed to keep the nerves out of her voice.

“My stomach is just upset.” Meredith panted as she wiped the sweat off of her forehead.

“Do you want me to make you some tea?” Addison offered.

“Sure.” Meredith agreed. “I’ll be out soon.” She listened as Addison walked away and then broke down crying. Twenty minutes later she found Addison waiting for her on the couch and sat down next to her. “Thank you.” The blonde whispered as she took the mug of tea from her girlfriend and took a small sip.

“Are you sure that you’re okay?” Addison looked over Meredith’s face carefully, sensing that something was wrong.

“Never better.” Meredith smiled tightly as she leaned against Addison and drank her tea, an overwhelming sense of shame flooding through her as the redhead doted on her and played with her hair.

Chapter Text

Meredith laid awake in the middle of the night consumed by guilt. She gazed at Addison’s peacefully sleeping face and had to bite her lip to stop the sob that was threatening to rip through her. Since the redhead found out about her girlfriend’s struggles with anorexia she had been nothing but supportive and even bought a house so that Meredith didn’t have flashbacks to her mother’s suicide attempt everytime she even glanced in the general direction of the kitchen. Up until they saw Richard and Ellis together at the care home, Addison had still been accompanying Meredith every other day when she went to visit her mother, even if it killed the redhead to see her girlfriend treated so badly by someone who was supposed to love her. Addison was doing everything right, yet the blonde was fucking up and hiding it out of fear that the neonatal surgeon would give up on her.

It was stupid of her to take the laxatives and it was wrong of her to lie to Addison about it, but more than anything Meredith just felt ashamed because of how much the redhead had clearly wanted to believe her when she just said that her stomach was upset. The blonde squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep, shaky breath before climbing out of the bed and tiptoeing into the bathroom. She pulled the laxatives out of the medicine cabinet and sat down on the closed toilet seat as she finally let her tears fall and just stared at the box in her hand.

Addison woke up to the sound of Meredith crying and got out of bed and walked into the bathroom to find her girlfriend staring at the box of laxatives. The redhead stayed silent, giving Meredith the space to breakdown, but not letting her cry on her own. After several minutes the blonde looked up, her face puffy and red as she looked at her girlfriend with eyes full of shame and regret. “I have to tell you something, but I’m scared because you’re going to hate me and I don’t know if I can deal with you hating me.”

“Angel, I could never hate you.” Addison walked over and knelt in front of Meredith. She took the box of laxatives out of the blonde’s hands and set them on the sink. “And if it’s about you taking laxatives before dinner, I already know.”

“What?” Meredith gasped in disbelief as Addison stood up and got a washcloth out of the sink drawer and wet it with warm water before kneeling back in front of her and gently wiping her face.

“I came up here while you were in the downstairs bathroom and I just had this gut feeling telling me to check the medicine cabinet. I dug around and found the box of laxatives hidden in the back, once I saw them everything made sense.” Addison confessed.

“If you knew before I even came out of the bathroom, why didn’t you say anything?” Meredith asked, her voice barely above a whisper and shaking more with each word.

“Accusing you would just make you defensive and I wanted you to be able to come to me and tell me of your own volition when you were ready.” Addison explained softly as she set the washcloth aside. “When you came out of the bathroom, I could tell that there was more wrong than just your stomach hurting from the laxatives, but again I didn’t want to push you to talk to me before you were ready because that’s just going to push you away and you need help my love, help that I can’t help you get if you feel like I’m trying to control you and start shutting me out.”

“I just feel guilty because I can see what this is doing to you and I can’t be the reason that you’re in pain, Addison.” Meredith’s voice broke as a violent sob slipped from her lips. “I wanted to eat if for no other reason than to make you feel better, but the only way I could get myself to eat like a normal fucking person was to take the laxatives. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t hurt you. If I have to let you go so you have a chance at being happy then I will, but I really don’t want to, which I know is selfish of me, but I love you and I hate myself for loving you because you deserve better than me.”

“I don’t care what I deserve because I want you.” Addison said firmly. “I want you and I love you and I will not leave you to deal with this on your own. You are not hurting me, your anorexia is hurting me. There is a big difference there, Angel.”

“But it’s my actions that are causing you pain, whether those acts are caused by my anorexia or not, they’re still my actions!” Meredith sobbed. “I can't hurt you Addison, I can’t.”

“You are not hurting me.” Addison cradled Meredith’s face in her hands. “Baby, I love you.” Tears began to stream down the redhead’s face as she saw the uncertainty and pain in her girlfriend’s eyes. “I love you and I will not leave you, not even if you beg me to because if I leave, you’re going to waste away and I cannot let that happen.”

“So what do we do?” Meredith whispered.

“Well, first we’re going to flush these down the toilet together.” Addison picked up the box of laxatives. “Then I’m going to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and hold your hand while you eat it, no matter how long that takes. After that I’ll hold you until you fall asleep and then in the morning we’re going to take a mental health day from work and see if Natalia has any openings.”

“Okay.” Meredith nodded. “I am really sorry for lying to you.”

“I’m not angry at you Angel, I’m angry at your anorexia, but not at you. Never at you.” Addison kissed Meredith’s lips lightly and then helped her stand up. Together they punched the laxatives out of the foil and dropped them one by one into the toilet before flushing them while the redhead held her girlfriend tightly. “I am so proud of you.”

“I just want to get better.” Meredith turned to look at Addison. “I know that it won’t be easy, but I want to get better so you and I can grow old together and watch our grandchildren run around the yard playing some silly game that they made up. I want a future with you Addie and I know that won’t happen if I don’t get better.”

“Well have that future Angel, I promise.” Addison moved her hands to cup Meredith’s cheeks. “I believe in you, now I need you to start believing in yourself.”

“I can’t promise that I won’t ever lie to you and do something stupid again, but I can promise to eventually tell you the truth.” The corners of Meredith’s lips twitched into a small but sincere smile. “That’s the best I can do for right now.”

“It’s enough.” Addison chuckled and kissed the very tip of Meredith’s nose. “How about you go lay down while I make your sandwich and then I’ll bring it up?”

“Since when are you okay with me eating in bed?” Meredith scrunched up her nose in confusion, leading Addison to just kiss it again.

“We’re moving, I don’t care if we get ants.” Addison explained with a laugh. “By the way, you always say how perfect I am, but I don’t think you understand that in my eyes, you are the perfect one. For example, I find it positively adorable when you scrunch up your nose like that and my favorite sound in the entire world is your giggle. I also think your snoring is rather cute as well. All of these things that you hate about yourself, I love them and I’m going to keep loving them no matter what and maybe one day, you’ll love them too.”

“I hope so.” Meredith whispered as she followed Addison back into the bedroom and laid down while the redhead went to make her a peanut butter and jelly. After a few minutes, Addison walked back into the bedroom with a plate and a glass of milk. Despite telling herself that it was just a sandwich and a drink, Meredith soon felt tears wet her cheeks as her girlfriend got back on the bed. “I can’t do this.”

“Yes you can.” Addison took Meredith’s hand and squeezed as she looked at her with loving and adoring eyes. “I will even feed you if I have to, Angel. Whatever makes you feel safest.”

“You can’t feed me a sandwich, that’s pathetic.” Meredith whined. “I’m almost thirty years old and it’s a fucking peanut butter and jelly, there’s no reason for me to be so scared of it.”

“Don’t tell me, tell your eating disorder.” Addison directed softly. “Close your eyes and just say what you would tell your anorexia if it was a person.” Meredith looked at her as if she were insane, but after a moment she shut her eyes and took a deep breath.

“You want me dead, why? What did I ever do that was bad enough to make slowly starving to death a suitable punishment? I thought you were my friend, you helped me achieve the one thing that I wanted more than anything in the world, which was to be better than my mother at something, but it was fake. I wasn’t better because I could go days without eating and she couldn’t, I wasn’t stronger than her. If that were true then I wouldn’t have been in danger of kidney failure when I was only fifteen fucking years old! Eating does not make a person weak, it makes a person strong. Food is fuel, we need it to survive. I almost died before I even really lived because of you and now you’re feeding on my insecurities again because I fought back and you don’t like to be beat. You’re just like my mother, a bully who is only picking on me because you’re afraid of what I could accomplish without you. I can eat a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich, it will not make me fat. It will not make me weak. It will make me strong. It will keep me alive, and for some reason you don’t want that, but I don’t care what you want. I beat you once and it may take some time, but I will beat you again. Just wait and see.” Meredith opened her eyes and looked over at Addison who was looking at her with a proud smile. “I’ll take that sandwich now.” She giggled and picked up half of the sandwich. It wasn’t easy and every bite was a battle, but she ate it and that was what truly mattered.

“You did amazing.” Addison kissed the milk mustache off of Meredith’s face and moved the dishes onto the nightstand. “Absolutely amazing.”

“I want to throw up, I’ve never felt like that before.” Meredith confessed in a shaky voice. “I’m scared.”

“I know you are and it’s okay to be scared.” Addison promised in a soothing voice as she opened her arms and silently invited Meredith to climb into her lap. “I’m right here Angel, I’ll hold you until the food digests and even after. I’m not going anywhere, you’re not fighting this war alone.”

“Thank you.” Meredith melted into Addison’s arms as she laid her head on the redhead’s chest, her body relaxing as soon as her cold cheek felt the warmth of the older woman’s collarbone.

“Go to sleep, I won’t let go.” Addison promised as she began to card a hand through Meredith’s hair. Soon the room was filled with the blonde’s snores, but the redhead kept her promise and never let go of her girlfriend. As Addison drifted off to sleep herself, she couldn’t help but think that everything she was doing was somehow not enough but at the very same time, it was enough. All she could hope was that overtime, Meredith would learn to love herself because she deserved all the love in the world and then some.

Early the next afternoon, Meredith sat on the couch in Natalia’s office while she recounted what happened the day before. From everything at work, to taking the laxatives, to lying to Addison, to finally telling the truth, to flushing the laxatives, to talking back to the vile voice in her head, to eating, and finally to falling asleep. By the time she finished tears were steadily flowing down her cheeks, but she was also proud of herself and the little amount of pride was enough to cause the corners of her mouth to twitch into a tiny smile.

“When you were talking to your eating disorder, did you picture anything or anyone?” Natalia asked as she held out a box of tissues to Meredith.

“My mother.” Meredith whispered as she took a tissue and wiped her face. “All I’ve ever wanted is to be enough for her, that’s how all of this started.”

“Do you ever think that you’ll be enough for your mother?”

“No.” Meredith confessed. “Because my mother expects perfection and no one is perfect, not even her.”

“So why do you keep trying to make your mother love you?”

“Because she’s my mom and moms are supposed to love their children and I’ve just always thought that if my mom didn’t love me, it must be because I did something wrong, but I don’t think I did. I think she’s just a very broken person who never wanted me to be happy.” Meredith sighed.

“Why wouldn’t your mother want you to be happy?”

“Because she couldn’t be happy. Richard left her and no matter how hard she worked as a surgeon, no matter how skilled she was, she lost the love of her life and she didn’t think she could be happy without him.” Meredith explained. “I mean she loved him so much that she didn’t want to live without him. She tried to kill herself because he broke his promise to her.”

“Did she try to kill herself because she didn’t want to live without him, or because she wanted Richard to come back?”

“What do you mean?” Meredith tilted her head in question, her brows pinched together in confusion. “Richard stayed with his wife and my mom tried to kill herself because she was so heartbroken that she wanted to die. I mean she left her husband for him and then he left her.”

“Are you sure she really wanted to die? You have told me multiple times that your mother was a talented and gifted surgeon.” Natalia leaned forward in her chair. “Why would she throw all of that away for someone who couldn’t have the balls to leave his wife?”

“Because she loved him.” Meredith responded, her voice shaking and unsure as the wheels started to turn in her head. “Why would she slit her wrists if she didn’t want to die?”

“Meredith, if your mother really wanted to die, do you think she would have depended on a scared five year old to keep her promise not to call 911?”

“Oh my god.” Meredith gasped and covered her mouth. “She slit her wrists in front of me to make sure she didn’t die. She wanted 911 to be called, but she wanted it to be believable that she was so depressed and so heartbroken that she would take her own life so Richard wouldn’t leave her again, she used me.”

“She did.” Natalia nodded. “I’m sorry Meredith, I am so sorry that your mother put you through that.”

“Then she was so ashamed of what she did that instead of talking to Richard about how she felt, she packed me up in the middle of the night and moved us to Boston.” Meredith’s voice shook as her anger grew. “She used me, and then she punished me because she was too stubborn and too much of a coward to risk getting her heart broken again and I’ve been punishing myself ever since because I thought I forced her to live when she truly wanted to die.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“Like I want to break something.” Meredith admitted. Natalia went over to her desk and picked up a small glass sculpture and handed it to Meredith.

“Break this.”

“Are you insane?” Meredith snorted.

“It’s okay to be destructive sometimes, especially if it stops you from being self destructive.” Natalia said softly. “Get the anger out of your body before it can hurt you.” Meredith nodded and stood up on shaking legs and walked over to an open and empty part of the office and smashed the glass sculpture on the floor as she screamed and cried. “How do you feel?”

“Better.” Meredith smiled. “I feel better.”

Chapter Text

Things had been going well. Really well, and that should have been Addison’s first clue that something bad was going to happen, but she was too focused on Meredith and how well she was doing. It wasn’t easy and there were bumps, but the last two months had been good. There haven’t been any major breakdowns and no more laxative use. The blonde didn’t fight her about not going to see Ellis consistently anymore as she started to realize just how much her mother had hurt her. She apologized to Richard for her behavior, and as far as the chief of surgery was concerned, it never happened. Yes, she still struggled with eating, but therapy was helping and she was learning new ways to deal with her emotions that didn’t include hurting herself. Things were good, until they weren’t.

As Addison sat on a gurney outside of Miranda Bailey’s hospital room she realized that no matter how today ended, nothing would ever be the same. Meredith had her hand on a bomb and even though the redhead knew that her girlfriend wanted to live and that this wasn’t her being careless with her life, she was furious and she was terrified. Meredith could die and if she died, Addison wasn’t sure what she would do. She couldn’t imagine her life without the intern and she didn’t want to, but she knew that this could end with her having to grieve the loss of the person she loved most in this world, or it could end with her girlfriend being so traumatized that she slips back to where she was just a couple of months ago.

“Dr. Montgomery?” George walked up to Addison hesitantly. “What are we going to do about Dr. Bailey?”

“There’s nothing we can do.” Addison laid her head on the wall as tears spilled down her cheeks. “We are not in control here.”

“She could lose her baby.” George reminded her. “Are you just going to let that happen?”

“I can’t force her to push O’Malley.” Addison sighed. “I can’t force her to push and I can’t perform a c section without an OR. She’s not the same woman that you know, she’s scared and her husband could die at any moment. If it gets to the point where we absolutely cannot wait anymore then we’ll transfer her, but I’m not putting her through that stress until I have to.”

“Every minute we wait is a minute that her baby could die!” George yelled. Addison stood up and looked down at him with a cold glare.

“I’m sorry, last time I checked you were an intern and I was the attending!” Addison snapped. “I am certified in both obstetrics and neonatal. Are you?”

“No.” George gulped as he shifted on his feet awkwardly.

“I didn’t think so.” Addison scoffed. “Go get double board certified and then act like you know more about this than I do.”

“I just don’t want her baby to die, Dr. Bailey will never be the same if that happens.” George sighed.

“After today, whether that baby lives or dies, she’ll never be the same.” Addison shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut to try to stop her tears from escaping. “None of us will.”

Meredith slowly moved down the hallway, her hand still on the bomb as she tried not to break down crying. Dylan from the bomb squad did everything he could to reassure her that everything would be okay, but she was absolutely terrified. “I can’t do this anymore!”

“Yes you can.” Dylan said calmly. The gurney hit a snag and Meredith’s breathing picked up. “Meredith, you need to breathe. We’re almost to the finish line. We will have your hand out in the next ten minutes.”

“No.” Meredith’s lip waddled as tears streamed down her face. “I can’t. I can’t. Every minute my hand is on this bomb is a minute that I am closer to death and I cannot fucking die! Addie needs me!” She sobbed.

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re not going to die.” Dylan promised. “We’re going to keep going, okay?” Meredith nodded and they carefully moved the gurney over the metal bar and continued to the OR where Teddy was waiting. When they got there, the cardio surgeon extended the wound and watched as the intern froze with tears streaming down her face. “Meredith, we’re at the finish line. You just have to slowly pull it out while keeping it level. That’s all you have to do.”

“Tell Addie that I’m sorry.” Meredith sobbed.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Grey.” Teddy smiled softly. “You’re going to see Addison really soon, no one is dying. Not on my watch.”

“Okay.” Meredith whispered as she slowly pulled the bomb out. She tried her best to keep it level and then passed it to Dylan. “Am I done?”

“You’re done.” Dylan nodded. “You did good.”

“Yeah.” Meredith whispered as she watched Dylan slowly leave the OR. Her own feet began to move, the only thing on her mind was seeing Addison, but when she made it outside of the OR standing in front of the scrub room window the bomb suddenly went off. Dylan was instantly killed while the blast sent Meredith flying backwards as the window of the scrub room shattered. She was instantly knocked out and laying in a pile of glass.

“Someone go see if anyone is hurt!” Teddy screamed as suddenly the power in the OR went off while she was trying to perform surgery on Mr. Carlson. “I need a headlamp!” Her team started moving, and a few minutes later her scrub nurse came back in with a grim expression. “What is it?”

“It’s Meredith Grey.” The scrub nurse sighed. “She’s knocked out and her pulse is weak. It looks like she has a large head lac and various other cuts. She landed in a large pile of glass, it’s possible that her head even connected with the scrub room window before it shattered. There’s no way of knowing.”

“Shit.” Teddy let out a heavy breath. “Page Dr. Burke. I need him to take my place.” The nurse nodded and ran back out of the room while Teddy sent someone else to monitor Meredith until she could get out there to help move her. Burke ran in after quickly scrubbing and took her place to finish Mr. Carlson’s surgery while she went to examine the intern herself. “This head lac is bad, she has a possible brain bleed and if she was thrown by the blast it’s highly likely that there’s internal bleeding.” Richard came running up and gasped when he saw Meredith.

“Dr. Altman what do you need?” Richard asked as they lifted Meredith’s limp body onto a gurney.

“I don’t know.” Teddy admitted. “Her pulse is weak and she hasn’t woken up. I suspect a brain bleed as well as other internal bleeding, but without scans there’s really no way of knowing.” She shut her eyes and took a deep breath as she tried to put herself back in Iraq and think of what she would do for injuries like this in the field. She opened her eyes and looked at Richard with determination. “I need an OR and a team. We’re going in blind, but I would rather not have her brain exposed unless we are positive that it is required.” The generator kicked in at that moment and the lights came back on as they moved Meredith further down the hall and got her set up on the OR table. “We need the portable CT so we can see if there’s a brain bleed, but we can’t wait to open her up. I’m going to need a neurosurgeon on standby.”

“Whatever you need.” Richard nodded as he ran out of the OR and got a team assembled. Once he was sure everything was set and he had a better idea of what was going on, he went to Bailey’s hospital room where Addison was pacing in the hall, barely hanging on by a thread. “Addison.”

“Healthy baby boy.” Addison choked on a sob. “She did it.”

“Addison.” Richard repeated. When Addison turned to look at him, she crumbled. He barely made it over to her in time to catch her when the redhead’s knees gave out.

“She's dead. Isn’t she?” Addison sobbed violently as Richard guided her over to a gurney and helped her sit down. “Meredith’s dead! Oh my God! No!” She let out a guttural scream.

“Addison, calm down.” Richard put a hand on each of Addison’s shoulders and looked her in the eyes. “She’s not dead, but she is hurt.”

“I need to see her.” Addison jumped up, but Richard blocked her. “Richard where the fuck is my girlfriend?!”

“She’s in surgery. The bomb went off outside of the scrub room and she was in the hall. The blast sent her flying and she was found unconscious in a pile of glass with a weak pulse, a nasty head lac, and other cuts on her body. Dr. Altman got Burke to switch places with her and she is currently working on Meredith now. Portable CT confirmed a brain bleed which Nelson is repairing while Teddy looks for any other internal bleeding.” Richard explained.

“Oh my god.” Addison put her head between her knees. “She kept telling me that she had a feeling that she was going to die today, but she’s been struggling with depression and anorexia lately so I just assumed that after two good months that she was dipping. Why didn’t I just let her stay home?” She sobbed. “I need her to be okay, Richard. I love her. I love her.”

“I know.” Richard said softly. “They are doing everything that they possibly can. Can I get you anything?”

“Someone needs to tell her friends. I… I can’t.” Addison shook her head. “I can’t tell them. I can’t look at Cristina and Alex and tell them that their person may die. I can’t do it.”

“I’ll take care of it.” Richard promised. “Addie, I don’t think you should be alone right now. Who can I page to stay with you?”

“Mark.” Addison decided without a moment's hesitation. “Get Mark.”

“Okay.” Richard immediately had Mark paged and stayed with Addison until the plastic surgeon arrived to take his place.

Meanwhile Teddy worked with a resident to repair the internal bleeding in Meredith’s abdomen while Nelson repaired her brain bleed. Her stats started tanking and despite her best efforts to stay calm the cardio and trauma surgeon felt herself starting to panic. “I can’t find the source of this bleed! Think Altman, think!” She felt around with her hands and finally found the source of the bleeding, letting out a sigh of relief. “Clamp!” A resident handed her a clamp and she clamped the bleeder, watching as the intern's stats began to stabilize.

Several hours later, Meredith was finally wheeled to a recovery room, but it was unknown when she would wake up and due to her intracranial pressure continuing to rise despite the hematoma in her brain being resolved, she was placed in a medically induced coma. When Addison got to the recovery room she let out a sob at the sight of her girlfriend with a tube down her throat and a tube in her brain that would continue to drain the excess fluid and blood. The redhead sat down in a chair next to the bed and grasped her girlfriend’s hand. “We’re going to get through this Angel, I promise.” She choked on a sob. “I promise you that you will be okay. I’m not going anywhere. I love you.” She stood up and kissed Meredith’s forehead before sitting back down, praying to a god that she wasn’t sure she believed in that the blonde that she loved so much would pull through this. 

Chapter Text

Two days had passed and Addison had not left Meredith’s side other than to go to the bathroom. Cristina and Alex walked into the room and handed the redhead a bag from the bakery down the street.

“You have to eat, Addison.” Cristina said gently. “It’s a chocolate chip muffin.”

“Thanks.” Addison whispered as she opened the bag and took a small bite of the pastry. “How are you guys doing?”

“We’re scared, but she’s Meredith.” Alex sighed. “She’s going to get through this.” Addison nodded as she looked over her girlfriend’s face. “How has she been doing?”

“The coma helped bring her ICP down, but it’s still high. The last one they got was an hour ago and it was thirty two, which is better than forty.” Addison explained.

“Fuck.” Cristina let out a heavy breath. “At least it seems to be going down, it is still high, but it’s going in the right direction.”

“Yeah.” Addison whispered as she took another bite of her muffin and watched Meredith’s face. A tear slipped down her cheek at how vulnerable and defenseless her girlfriend looked and she shut her eyes. “I just need her to get better. She needs to get better.”

Another week had past by and Meredith’s intracranial pressure had continued to go down, leading her team to make the decision to stop the medication that was keeping her in the coma. The drain had been removed the day before and the color had finally started to come back into the blonde’s face. Addison was holding her girlfriend’s hand while she had her head resting on the bed, fading in and out of a restless sleep. In truth the redhead hadn’t slept much at all since Meredith had been in the hospital, how could she when no one was sure if the blonde would pull through? She wanted to spend as much time with her girlfriend as she could in case the worst were to happen.

A soft, weak squeeze in her hand caused Addison’s eyes to fly open as she sat up and saw that Meredith was awake. Her blue eyes filled with fear, but a sense of calm filled them once she made eye contact with the redhead. “Meredith, can you hear me? If you can hear me I need you to squeeze my hand.” Addison held her breath, only releasing it when she once again felt her hand being squeezed weakly. She fumbled for her pager and paged Teddy 911 before turning back to Meredith. “Angel, I am so happy to see you awake. We’re going to get that tube out as soon as we can.” The blonde nodded weakly and a minute later Teddy ran into the room.

“Welcome back Meredith, you gave us a scare there.” Teddy smiled as she looked over Meredith’s monitors.

“Can we remove the breathing tube?” Addison asked.

“We can, we’ll just keep a close eye on oxygen levels.” Teddy moved to extubate Meredith. “Okay Grey, on the count of three I need you to cough. One… two… three!” The blonde coughed as powerfully as she could and the trauma surgeon removed the tube.

“Water?” Meredith croaked in a raspy voice. Addison got up and poured her some water, bringing the straw to her lips. “Happened?”

“What happened?” Teddy clarified. The blonde nodded as she greedily drank her water, her cool liquid soothing her throat. “The bomb went off and you were close enough that the blast sent you flying backwards. You had a brain bleed as well as some other internal bleeding, but we fixed everything. Your ICP was rather high so we had to put you in a medically induced coma to continue bringing them down.”

“Long?” Meredith weakly pushed the cup away, her eyes heavy with exhaustion.

“You were in the coma for just over a week. We took you off of the meds two days ago and have just been waiting for them to work their way out of your system enough for you to wake up.” Teddy explained.

“Addie?” Meredith looked around for Addison, who sat next to her bed with concerned eyes.

“I’m right here, Angel.” Addison cupped Meredith’s cheek and kissed her forehead. “I’m here.”

“Addie.” Meredith smiled softly, but a few minutes later she was confused and looking for Addison again. “Where Addie?”

“I’m here Angel.” Addison looked into Meredith’s eyes. “I’m right here, I haven’t left.”

“Addison, can I talk to you over here for a second?” Teddy asked. Addison nodded and kissed Meredith’s forehead before going to stand with the trauma surgeon outside of the blonde’s earshot. “I think she might be suffering from some short term memory loss. I’m going to page Nelson to look at her now that she’s awake and he’ll probably want to get some new scans.”

“But she’s going to be okay, right? She woke up so that means she’s going to be okay.” Addison’s voice was a strained and desperate plea as she stared at Teddy with wide and vulnerable eyes. “Please tell me that she’s going to be okay.”

“Her waking up is a good sign, but we don’t know exactly what kind of damage she sustained and what the long term effects might be.” Teddy broke the news softly. “I wish that I could tell you that she will be the same Meredith as she was before, but I can’t do that until we have more information. I’m sorry.” Addison nodded and turned to walk back over to Meredith.

“Hi Angel.” Addison ran her hair through Meredith’s greasy hair, her eyes falling on the part of her hair that had to be shaved for surgery. “I missed you.”

“Miss you too.” Meredith smiled weakly. “Happened?”

“You got hurt when the bomb went off and had to have surgery and you were in a medically induced coma to keep you safe.” Addison explained in a soft voice. “But you’re awake now and that’s all that matters right now Angel.”

“Okay.” Meredith nodded weakly. Soon, Nelson came in to do a neuro exam on the blood and then sent her for scans. When the scans came back, Teddy came with the results.

“Addison, can we talk?” Teddy whispered as to not to disturb a now sleeping Meredith. Addison kissed her girlfriend’s hand and forehead before walking over to the trauma surgeon who looked nervous.

“I can tell by the look on your face that whatever the scans showed isn’t good.” Addison sighed. “Just tell me.”

“There’s damage to her prefrontal cortex.” Teddy revealed. “It doesn’t appear as severe as it could be, so she could recover functions in time, but for now she’s going to need a lot of rest and probably some different types of therapy.”

“But it’s possible that she’ll always have issues?” Addison bit her lip when Teddy nodded. “We’ll get through it. We can get through anything. Thank you Teddy, but I need to get back to her.”

“Of course.” Teddy nodded and turned to leave the room. Once she was gone, Addison allowed herself to break. It could have been worse, but for someone who already struggled with mental health, damage to the prefrontal cortex could just make everything worse. Meredith could be more impulsive and rash in her decision making as well as having more trouble regulating and recognizing her emotions. She was going to need a lot of love, care, and patience to get through this and Addison intended to give that to her. As she sat back down next to the blonde’s bed and took her hand once more, she used her free hand to take out her phone and dial a number before bringing the phone to her ear. “Richard? I need to take a leave of absence.”