Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Happy new year!

This one-shot/drabble collection will be a little different from previous years, in that I am not taking requests. I have several already written out, and I will post as and when I have nothing else to update, and/or I am flooded with inspiration for nothing in particular XD They might be a little more personal-- in some ways, this is like an open and bleeding diary of my heart. But either way, I would love to hear people's thoughts on works as they pique your interest, since this will be like a little chemistry lab of me experimenting with styles, motifs, and ideas!

Tags will be updated as I go, and general ones for each work will be put in the intro notes to each chapter. 

I hope you enjoy as you have enjoyed my compilation works in the past, and I hope they satisfy the tongue for a little sip of full ideas, little brainworks to infest your mind and populate more drawn out universes~~

<3

Chapter Text

It happens first by the window, out in the street, to someone else who shares his eyes and the accent of their skin.

“Go back to your country.”

Jeongin watches it play like a drama he can't make a sound to disturb, a dream that isn't real. It isn't, it's a story, someone else's, and he rationalizes it to be something a kid eating McDonald's fries and assembling his toy wasn't supposed to see anyway. 

It happens again on the news, his dad mindlessly watching after a hard day of the monotonous same old that wears him out too much to help with homework.

“Go back to your count–”

Jeongin blinks and it's cut off, and even as a high schooler he knows better than to get caught up in the anger and polarization that is politicians clambering for votes. It's always more complicated, it's never so black and white as the media paints it– that's what his dad says as he switches the channel.

It's from the mouths of his friends sharing his food and language, pulled away from the rest where they can't be asked a thousand questions to be placed under the microscope of curiosity.

“Go back to your country, haha!”

Jeongin knows it's a joke, they say because they visit often enough to not know which country is home and which is for visiting. But not Innie, he's got no reason to go to the place his parents grew up anymore, all the reasons came here, and he's wearing clothes his grandmother mends when his limbs get too gangly for his body.

It isn't a joke when it's on drunken breath at his dad, who rightfully deserved to be scolded for carelessness, his heart stopped and breath caught in his throat to try and become invisible.

“Go back to your country!”

Jeongin wishes he were white, as his dad apologizes and someone else of their skin rushes the scene with their phones drawn and voices raised with threats of social death. It doesn't make him cry, but it makes him solemn in a way that can't be articulated, a deep understanding and silent lock on his lips of the incident that can never be understood.

It's terrifying and heartbreaking from his grandfather, pleading on his deathbed like a final wish.

“ Go back to your country.”

Jeongin breathes in his grandfather's last breath and in a cold and sterile hospital room, staring at the sky, he finally considers it.

His grandmother is lonely, picking at the shoulderpads of her husband's suits to mend them for her son-in law, and she mentions visiting the sisters she left behind in a far off voice–

“I'll go with you,” Jeongin blurts out, “I'll take you, halmoni.”

Whatever Jeongin is expecting, it suspends at the sight of his grandmother seeing her childhood unravel in the flesh, her hands flying to her sisters’ faces and wet cheeks shining in a twinkling sort of happiness.

Their country is hot, and bright. It's festivals and late nights. 

It's beautiful but it isn't Jeongin's.

“Halmoni,” Jeongin whispers when she leans on his during the plane ride back, “did you enjoy it?”

Behind his question are a thousand unsaid doubts, cracked parts of his heart he hasn't found the puzzle pieces for yet.

His grandmother hums, “It was good to see them, one last time. Now it's time to go home.”

It settles his heart, that his grandmother that had moved several lifetimes considered the land of his birth to be home. He tries to be careful, to let himself be moved and transposed as his story was written, to be grown in repotting, but in his heart, the autumn leaves and rolling country that ran right against tight cities and mismatched suburbs was more at ease than the place of his ancestors.

He knows the history of this land. He's a part of its history.

But his country?

If like Joseph, Caesar told him to hail to his birthplace, is it here that he would run to? Like a forsaken Nazareth to put on the end of his name? Is it the land, itself, the little house that doesn't fit quite right in their family's growing pains but holds all his memories just the same? Is it even here, between his neighborhood streets, to the church he was baptized in, and the schoolyard playgrounds in between?

“Isn't it odd?” His mother laughs one afternoon they drive back from a church they'd found on vacation on the other side of the country, “How you can walk into an alien building of strangers and feel right at home?”

In the moment Jeongin laughs, but in retrospect it puts his mind on an axis.

He could pick up and leave tomorrow with barely a suitcase in his trunk. He could grow old, roots sunk deep beneath the frost for generations. He can flit between the far reaches of the sun, he can stay in one place till the moss grows over his head. He's a dandelion on the wind, and he's placed on a firm foundation. He grips the steering wheel with loose hands, but his seat belt is firmly fastened.

Jeongin sits in his car, parked on the crest of the hill overlooking his town as the sun sets beyond the city far out and unseeable on the horizon, all the way out by the sea. The sea, so close and his own, but a morning's drive away. If he turns to the north and to the west, the mountains are just there beyond his fingertips as well. The land is his but he could never show it to a foreigner, not like it was his own.

His eyes burn watching the sun fall.

It means nothing to him at heart, but if he were asked…

The sky fades into a dark and endless velvet. The stars are pinned in it, winking down at Jeongin, and their simplicity and innocence make him smile, pictures only he knows from them coming to life.

“ Hello,” he whispers to them, and he hears them chime in laughter back.

He thinks of Abraham.

Drawing a circle in the sky he stars counting– did Abraham try? Did he count and wonder at his descendents? When God said the land would belong to the children he didn't have and couldn't imagine? When he lied his way through Egypt–

A lump catches in Jeongin's throat as he closes his eyes, meditating on this.

Was he told to go to his country? Did he stumble on his words to tell that he had none? That he was a stranger in this land and every land till God led him–?

Till God led him home.

A stillness settles over Innie at this, like a morning dew finding its place with the morning, peace blooming into happiness.

A sojourner, a traveler in the land.

Waiting to come home.

When Jeongin opens his eyes, the moon hums between the stars, a peaceful and quiet song, like the reflection on a pond singing a harmony.

Go back to your country.

Jeongin hums back, joy on his lips.

I shall. 

All my days, I shall.

He starts the car, slowly back down the hill, between the houses, ablaze in twinkling windows of homes gathering for the evening. 

Back to his family, back home.

And then I will go there– to that perfect and beautiful country.

Chapter Text

Minho had not been nearly as concerned as he should have been when the Catastrophe happened.

It wasn't in his nature to be unprepared, so he had refined the magic around the house to be as protective as it possibly could have been, so that when it struck, they were all eating dinner while the rest of the world cowered in fear over what was to happen. 

Minho had been serving his three sons ramen.

“ Yongbok , stop covering your bowl with your hands,” he had been scolding while the sky outside brightened to unworldly colors, “You need to eat your vegetables.”

“No I don't ! I had oranges this morning!”

“That's not a vegetable, that's a fruit, now move your hands and–”

But when it did finally come for his home, Minho knew that his wards hadn't been enough. The china cabinet shook, and Seungmin had clutched the table and his glasses while Jisung clutched his bowl and Yongbok's hands wavered away from his bowl long enough to–

“ Ha! There, eat your veggies!”

“ Hey! No fair…”

Then the world cracked in a resounding thunder.

Minho opened his eyes to find himself on the ground. Someone was screaming , deep in the house.

Seungmin's feet came into view, his biggest books clutches to his chest, glasses askew as he mumbled–

“ Need to go, we need to go, appa, we gotta go, need to go– ”

It was unnerving how he chanted it, his eyes distant and knuckles white from clutching his books. Minho shakily rose to his knees, reaching to hold Seungmin's cheek and calm him down.

A whimper under the couch caught his attention next, whiskers poking out of Yongbok's cheeks, his eyes yellow and skittish.

He was shivering frightfully.

“Yongbok-ah,” Minho's voice was hoarse, and he coughed, feeling a knotted magic tangle in his chest, “Come out, Yongbok, come here , it's safe. It's alright– Seungmin , stop mumbling, I hear you, but we're safe , I promise, we–”

The second thunder sent them flying again, and this time Minho sent his magic out to transform the two of his sons he could see, pulling them into himself. Only Yongbok finished his transformation, a small kitten curled into Minho's chest, Seungmin resisting with his own magic to try and form a protection charm around them as Minho pulled him close.

The smart and skilled boy he'd become, it still drained him by the time it finished, and he all but completely collapsed into Minho's arms by the time the second wave of the Catastrophe was over.

“ Shhh , it's alright,” Minho whispered, more to reassure himself than anything else, the kitten form of Yongbok crying out, “It's alright, we're going to be alright… Jisung? Jisung, come out, come here… Jisung?”

Reaching out with his magic, Minho could feel his eldest stumbling through their house, and urged him to come, an idea scrambling to make for Chan's safe haven before it was too late, when the rumblings of the third and final wave of the Catastrophe began.

“Oh no, no-no-no,” he curled Seungmin and Yongbok closer to him and screamed, “ JISUNG! ”

He saw Jisung stumble backwards, hands over his head as he stumbled backwards, screaming and calling out–

“Appa?! APPA?! Appa where are you, appa, help, help me!”

With some inhuman strength, Minho called out and summoned Jisung to himself as the final wave cracked and rolled over them, terrible and resounding as it shook the world and burned like the anger of a thousand suns.

When it finished, Minho groaned and collapsed again, his strong hold on his sons never waning.

Yongbok had gone limp in his breast pocket, Seungmin shrinking into his kitten form, eyes slowly closing.

Jisung kept screaming.

“ Appa! Appa what was that–”

“Jisung,” Minho winced, “Quieter, please, stop screa–”

“ What? Appa, w-what?! What was that, appa, appa what are you– appa!”

“Jisung, I said– STOP SCREAMING!”

As he said it, he saw something terrifying flicked in Jisung's eyes, his hands going up to his ears and his breath coming out shorter, more panicked. 

Minho's hands shook as he reached for Jisung's and he realized just how badly he'd messed up when Jisung's hands came away–

–stained with blood.

~

Changbin was suspicious as he heard rumors of it all.

It was strange to come back to his hometown as the militant force, there to assist the people he'd once relied on to assist him, but it worked in his favor this time.

People mumbled everything.

“They say the more magical the person, the more cursed with the catastrophe, you know.”

“Oh really! ”

“Old man Jinyoung was plenty powerful then… not a speck of his house remaining.”

“Shame that, shame that…”

“And what about the good doctor? And that nice shopkeep on the corner? Where have they gone off to, you suppose?”

Changbin drew a sharp breath and bent his ear to listen closer.

“Oh… well… they're gone I suppose…”

“ Gone? Just like that? Family and all?”

“I suppose so…”

Never in his life had Changbin been so grateful and anguished about his lack of magic. It tore and destroyed him inside as he stood watch over the aid people came to take from their rations.

His brothers and their children? Gone? Just like that?

It stole his mind away from him long enough to not notice the day as it passed, till the moon came up and the people drew away to themselves, and Changbin was left to guard against thieves, and his eyes caught sight of the quick-moving in the shadows.

For a moment he remained passive as he caught sight of the orange kitten, a morsel of food in its mouth scavenged from the trash, but then it was followed by a small tabby, and then a large black cat carrying a calico by the scruff.

“Hyung?”

He whispered it before he could stop himself to reason otherwise, but once he said it he couldn't stop, watching as the cats melted from one shadow into another–

“Hyung– hyung!”

The black cat froze, terror and flight in its every fiber of being, the two kittens on foot fleeing behind another building.

But the cat's eyes softened, from yellow to a warm and melting brown, and he ran up to Changbin's feet and dropped the kitten in his mouth to barrage him with a series of soft and welcoming sounds.

Changbin dropped to his knee, hand petting his ears and down his spine to his tail, tears in his eyes.

“ You're alive ,” he whispered, incredulous, “I couldn't imagine… I thought the worst, I thought… your shop was burned to the ground and they thought you dead , so I didn't dare hope!”

Minho the cat turned and called out to the shadows, the two kittens came darting in answer, meowing and pawing at Changbin excitedly. Yongbok wrapped around his ankles, purring, while Seungmin practically climbed into Changbin's hold, refusing to give his brothers any room for a chance to be held.

Chuckling to himself, he reached to hold all three, kissing his nephews dearly on their heads, ignoring the horrid itch of allergies climbing up his throat for the joy they gave him.

A joy that was cut short when he realized Jisung was not responding to him as enthusiastically as his brothers, and was shivering nearly straight out of his fur.

Before he could figure it out, Minho leaned up to snatch Jisung by the scruff again, and start back on his path. 

“What–”

Before he made it too far, the black cat looked over his shoulder with all the warmness in his eyes, summoning Changbin to follow, as though they were kids again and there was some trouble to be discovered. 

And Changbin was no different than before– and he rushed after his hyung, two kittens clutched to his chest, and hope blooming between them. 

~

The ground rumbled above Chan, but he paid it no mind anymore. 

“Hyunjin and Yeji, I told you both to set the table,” he ducked under the roots weaving and shifting through the ceiling, and bent into one of the alcoves, where his niece was coughing, her whole chest filled with infection, and sat her up to serve her a mug of soup, “Come, Ryujin-ah, eat.”

Her nose scrunched as it did everyday, “ Yuck .”

“Mm, no complaints, come. Don’t make me call your–” Chan stopped himself. He hadn’t heard from Minho in days. There were many he didn’t hear from since the Catastrophe, and while he believed truly that Minho was too good to have been destroyed by it, he knew better than to promise against what he didn’t know. 

“Drink your soup. You’ll cough less, I promise, it’s good for your throat.”

“Drink it quickly, Ryujinnie!” Yeji called as she shuffled past with a stack of plates, “Quickly, quick, I wanna play jackstones this evening!”

Hyunjin scoffed from where he arranged the cups and silverware, “Ha! Play and lose! ”

“Not this time!” Yeji put her hands on her hips, “I have a secret weapon this time!”

“A what?”

“Jeonginnie, show him!”

Chan barely stumbled out of the way as his youngest came barrelling out from where he’d been listening under the table, holding a beautifully carved board above his head. 

“Presenting, the first and only, official and magically approved, jackstone board!” Yeji threw jazz hands with the porcelain plates as her fans towards it as Jeongin held it triumphantly above his head, Hyunjin gaping in absolute horror like he didn’t use a slightly unsteady environment and the certain slopes and angles of the dirt floor to his advantage. 

Chan chuckled and held the soup bowl to his niece’s mouth, “Better drink up, Ryudaeng, or they’ll play without you.”

With a pout, still staring at her cousins, Ryujin slowly and quietly downed her soup. Chan smiled and tried not to dwell too long on how much of her father was in that stubbornness, in memories from long ago when Chan was babying his little brother into staying inside while it rained to not catch a cold. 

A groaning from deep within the underground bunker pulled him from his reverie, several patients in need of tending as the little glowing fairies in the corner lamps flickering and sang for him to come attend to them. 

“I’m coming,” he sang out quietly, and then turned to his children, “Try not to break anything, please? Gently, now, Yeji-ah.”

Yeji laid out the plates and bowed a proper ninety degrees, “Yes, appa!”

As Hyunjin smirks and sets off one of the plates she laid so that it’s just a bit askew, unbecoming of her perfect obedience, Ryujin giggling at the act as he winks at her, Chan is suddenly several years far away, when it was just the three brothers taking refuge here, in a war instead of a Catastrophe, where the use of magic was a secret thing their parents would not risk outside the underground sanctuary of healing. Here, he remembered how Minho’s magic burst out of him naturally, unrestrained and powerful and needing to be smothered when it stepped outside, and Chan’s own cultivated under study and passion for not wanting to be bested and reaching for heights yet unknown, and the two of them turning to tease and dazzle a magic-less Changbin as he watched and gleaned wonder from them. 

“Uncle Chan?” a hand grasped his fingers and tugged lightly, “Don’t cry, Uncle Chan…”

Sniffling, Chan bent down to kiss Ryujin’s hand and smile for her, hurriedly wiping away his tears, “Thank you, my darling. Now, drink your soup. You’re as bad as your brothers at leaving the best part there in the dish.”

He expected her to pout, but she giggled at him instead, and diligently set to finishing her portion, like she would not be put in the same category as those troublemakers, and when she presented the empty bowl to him, looked up with those wide and innocent eyes. 

“Will they come now? With my appa? I’ve been a good girl, so won’t they, please?”

Chan’s heart stopped and he did his best to keep it from breaking, as he gently took the dish and placed a kiss on her head. 

He left her without an answer. His patients were waiting for him. 

~

Minho’s paws led themselves the way they knew best. 

His panic did not let his mind doubt for a second or steer him anywhere else, the pain from the little one in his mouth breaking his heart with every passing moment, and the whimpering from the two in Changbin’s safe hands sending speed to his step. 

If Minho thought with anything but his instinct, he would have never found Chan’s doorstep. 

“What– still here…” Changbin gasped in awe as they ducked down into an alleyway, and then doubled back under staircases and between narrow halls between old buildings and fast running sewers of abandon.

It was a place that was never found in the same place twice and never without a little bit of guiding magic. 

Minho sent his magic to herald his arrival, his paws shifting for feet as soon as they touched the doormat, clutching Jisung protectively to his chest. The door had barely opened, Chan’s haggard features not fully lit, and Minho all but thrust his son into his brother’s hold. 

He gave Chan no time to be relieved of their presence, or himself to fully be relieved to see his brother and daughter and nephews and niece.

As soon as Jisung touched Chan’s hands, he unraveled from a kitten to a boy, writhing and reaching out to clasp around Chan’s neck, sobbing. 

“Jisung? What’s wrong, Minho, what’s– Jisung , what’s wrong, hm? Tell me,” he set the boy down, pulling him away from his neck, and watching as Jisung clutched his head, his eyes darting every which way and settling on Chan’s lips as he spoke. 

“ Please, Chan,” Minho whispered, his arms full as his other two boys settled on each hip, “He’s in so much pain, please– ”

For that Chan called all his magic to himself, centering himself as he brushed a hand over his nephew’s face, gathering and pulling the pain away with him. It fell away like a tide, washing down and out of Jisung as his eyes closed with the movement, and then slowly opened again, less burdened and shadowed with his exhaustion. 

Wordlessly, Chan motioned for Minho to come closer, and did the same with each boy, taking all their pain and sinking it deep within the earth, before finally catching Minho by the top of his head too, and taking as much of his pain as he would allow him to. 

Every bit of the Catastrophe that clung to them, he pulled away from their magic and banished.

“Thank you,” Minho whispered, and then looked at him with no little mischief in his eyes, “Now quick, before Changbin thinks he can escape too.”

It didn’t take much for Chan to laugh and snap his fingers to pull the pain off Changbin’s shoulders, his brother already carrying Jeongin and somehow balancing both Hyunjin and Yeji clinging to his back as he swung them around. It was barely perceptible, the pain as it left him, but it left him all the same, and Changbin momentarily left them to take Chan by the back of his neck and rest their foreheads together, a gratitude and awe rolling off of him at the fact that they were all alive in this moment together. 

Minho could hardly believe it. He could only sit on the floor and revel in the moment, letting go of his anxiety for a moment as Chan’s magic reached and wrapped around his son’s being to try and discern the mystery of it himself.

Yongbok was properly snoring when Chan finished with the rest of them, head on Minho’s shoulder, hands clenched into his cloak. Seungmin blinked slowly at Chan, adjusting his glasses and reaching up to tug him questioningly by the lapel. 

“Uncle Chan?”

“Yes, Seungminnie?”

“Are you going to make it stop?”

Chan frowned, “Make what stop?”

Yawning, Seungmin’s tension loosened and slowly disappeared, “All of it…”

Chan looked up to Minho, but Minho could hardly understand his children on a good day, and now he was completely and utterly trusting all their troubles to his elder brother who had answers and solutions for every problem he’d ever had, so he quietly shrugged and passed them to his brother to go find his baby girl, who had been so patiently and quietly waiting for her father to notice and come to her in the little alcove bed to the side. 

“Ryujinnie!” he scooped her up in his arms, kissing her hair, “My darling, how is your cough, my dear? Hm? Are you listening to your uncle and getting better?”

“Yes, appa, I promise appa,” she nodded fervently, holding his collar and refusing to let go, “Will you take me home now, will you? I promise to be good, I promise!”

He shushed her quietly, brushing her hair back from her face, and kissing her rosy cheeks, “My little girl is always good, appa always tells her, doesn’t he?”

Chan scoffed, mumbling as he set down all the kids around his table, “Spoils her, more like.”

Ignoring him, Minho kept his eyes on her and smiled, “My little girl knows she’s not here because she’s bad ; she’s here because she’s sick , isn’t that right?”

She nodded, playing with the buttons of his cloak, and even then, Minho prodded into her magic and felt it’s core still splintered and healing oddly, “I know, appa, I know, but I’m good , I’m good now, appa will take me home now, won’t you? Appa, please? ”

Minho laid a hand on her chest and felt all the congestion and dark magic still rotting there. Despite his aching heart, he smiled, pulling her closer to him and kissing every inch of her face. 

“Appa won’t leave his Ryujinnie,” he promised, solemn and quiet, “You’ll stay with me and your brothers, because we’ll stay here with you, hm? I promise you, my darling girl.”

He basked in her happiness and glee, even as Chan watched on silently, pulling a chair out for him to come sit with her in his arms at the table. Minho didn’t look back at him, he was looking at all of them gathered around, and especially at his Jisung. 

His poor, poor Jisung, unable to keep up with anyone or anything as the food was passed around and his cousins started talking loudly and animatedly while catching up with another, and Jisung was unable to tell heads or tails from any of it, trying his best to keep his tears from overflowing and his big emotions from making him sob. 

Only then, did Minho look at his brother, and force him to look at his son again, proper and fully. 

Chan blinked, glancing between the two before noticing, even then unable to tell anything wrong in Jisung’s magic alone, but only in his unusual quiet and hesitation. 

“Jisungie-hyung,” Jeongin called from beside Chan, just out of Jisung’s sight, “Hyungie, pass the jam, the jam hyungie, please? Please pass the jam!”

Hyunjin watched from across the table, looking at Jisung’s face, unbothered by his own little brother’s request, and reaching for other things instead. Minho saw the expression cross Chan’s face, on what he ought to intervene with first conflicting, when Hyunjin’s notoriously short temper exploded and–

“You’re so RUDE , Jisung!” 

Something went flying before anyone could stop it, and suddenly, there was silverware suspended above the table, the fairy lights crackling and flickering in jeers of amusement. With a sharp click of Chan’s tongue they all stopped, and Changbin pulled his nieces and nephews away to look into Jisung’s face, before Minho could stop him. 

“Jisung? Buddy?”

Panicking again, Jisung’s eyes latched onto his uncle’s, as though perhaps he would understand, but all he could do was wipe the tears from his cheek in earnest questioning, piling more confusion on top of it all, which made Jisung burst out before he could stop himself, magic flaring and flashing out, whipping across the table, Hyunjin screeching and most of the kids taking cover to cower under the table, Minho shielding Ryujin and sending out as many protective wards around Jisung as he could summon, until finally–

“ I see. ”

Chan pushed through Jisung’s magic and placed his hands on both sides of Jisung’s face, over his ears, and all was still again. Jisung looked up at his uncle, tears in his eyes, his lips quivering, hopeful as he placed his own hands on top of Chan’s.

“Fix it.” he said– no, demanded , his voice disproportionate in volume to the space between him and his uncle, “Uncle Chan, fix it.”

It didn’t take Minho long to look at his brother’s face and realize what he already knew. 

Hyunjin poked his head out from under the table, and looked up at his Uncle Minho. 

“Oh,” he said quietly, “He can’t hear?”

Seungmin adjusted his glasses and leaned closer to Chan, while Yongbok angrily huffed and pushed past Hyunjin to get closer to his brother. 

“No, he can’t,” Yongbok said angrily, and Hyunjin suddenly looked solemnly apologetic. 

Minho brushed the dust from his shoulders gently, with a smile, “You didn’t know, it's alright. We weren’t sure either.”

But Hyunjin still looked seconds away from crying, Yeji silently reaching across the table to grab Jeongin the jam he’d been asking for, although the younger boy looked like he hardly cared about that now. 

Despite the despair in his eyes, Chan smiled at Jisung when his magic finished running it’s course and he lifted his hands from Jisung’s ears, Seungmin holding his hand while Yongbok hugged him from behind. Then he took a paper and wrote out his words for the boy’s benefit. 

“I cannot fix this right now,” he explained to Minho as he wrote, “But perhaps if we work a little everyday…”

“Are there many others?” Minho interrupted, holding Ryujin tightly to his chest, the thought that his arrogance might have scarred his child forever too much to bear, “The Catastrophe. I’m sure it’s affected others… you must be bursting at the seams taking care of everyone.”

“I heard,” Changbin added quietly, “That it affected those of more magic more than those of less… and everyone knows there remains no greater concentration of those with magic than within our city limits.”

Chan was oddly quiet in not responding. Instead he turned to his children with a smile. 

“Clean up, and we can play jackstones, hm? Uncle Changbin might be able to teach you a few tricks, I’m sure. Seungminnie, do you still practice jackstones?”

Seungmin’s eyes lit up with light Minho had not been sure would return since the Catastrophe struck, “I do! Are we playing? Can I play? Please, can I?”

With the children occupied, Chan motioned with his head towards the inner tunnels of his sanctuary, and leaving Ryujin back in her alcove bed to watch her brothers and cousins play, Minho silently followed. 

The tunnels expanded and echoed with the bedrooms and alcoves within, where the sick and desperate rested and gleaned on the healing magic of the sanctuary and Chan’s guardianship of it’s magic. 

“There are many.” Chan admitted, hands in his cloak, “And few hands to tend to it. Well,” Chan glanced at them, “Perhaps that is no longer true.”

Minho’s splintered shop immediately came to mind, and he shook the thought away in renewed purpose, Changbin straightening his shoulders behind him. 

“This is our first work, after all,” Changbin nodded his head certainly, “Eomma and Appa’s work. And the people are the queen’s work, which make it mine as a soldier. Whatever you need, hyung.”

Without as many elegant words, Minho nodded, sure that Chan understood him as he reached into his cloak and pulled out his wand. 

All that concern he hadn’t had in preparation for the Catastrophe, all that regret over his foolishness, doubled back in love and determination, the laughter of the children echoing through the halls of the sanctuary and filling it with hope.

And Minho found, he wasn’t that concerned at all.

Chapter Text

“...P-papa?”

There's blood everywhere. 

Felix looks down at his soaked hands and then up at his father in tears.

“Felix…?”

And then, he falls.

In one motion, Chan catches Felix before he hits the ground and scoops him into his embrace, cradling him close to his chest.

“I've got you, baby, you're alright,” he keeps whispering to his son, voice strained but firm, “I've got you, I've got you–”

Felix is shaking. He's shaking so badly Chan thinks he might break his own bones– he's gotten so small, so skinny, gangly and sick looking, and the more Chan sees it, the more his heart threatens to cleave itself from his chest.

“ Sh-sh-sh, I've got you ,” he kisses his head and sinks to the ground, his whole body folding around his child in a fool's attempt to keep him safe, “Papa's got you, baby, I've got you, ‘Lix.”

It's a horribly nauseating thing when Felix finally works up the strength to cry, because it's a pain-wracked groan that settles between Chan's ribs like a twisted knife. But once he starts he doesn't stop, crying and groaning, each sound worse than the last as all his pain comes out from him, strangled and eerily similar to the rattling of death itself.

Chan claws on to the threads of life, he curls around the boy he'd raised since he'd first come into the world, and he pleads like never before.

God, please, not my boy, not my baby, please—

But even as he does, something deeper falls and settles on him, like a robe and a heavy crown, that slows his heart into a peace that surpasses all understanding.

He's still hunched over Felix, but he kisses his head and stills. 

…but even if you don't…

His heart aches to admit it, it twists and screams to pull away from putting that peace into words, but as Felix's trembling weakens, Chan settles how much more important it is to try and say it in his mind. Just for himself.

Even if you take him… even if you break me like this…

Eyes screwed shut, he can't bear to open them, even to the grazing of Felix's fingertips against his cheeks, wiping away his tears.

“Papa… don't be sad…”

Grief roars within him, and Chan lets it, but he tells himself all the same–

Thank you, God, thank you, sobbing and holding his son like he might die if he let go, still it rang through his mind like an echo he needed to hear, Even if I am crushed, even if I never rise…

And there is beauty between Chan's arms that blooms like a never ending spring, like gold that drips through his fingers, and Chan's tears do not dry. They fall in love so profound, and bathe Felix in something unspeakable.

“ Papa… ”

Felix's voice is weak, a breath on the end of a whisper. Chan sniffles and breathes slowly to hear it and store it for himself.

“ Felix ,” he whispers, and finds the strength from beyond himself to even smile, “Baby, I love you. I'm so– I'm so proud of you. Papa's so proud.”

It's weak and wobbly, but Felix smiles back, his eyes latched onto Chan like he's the only thing in this world, and Chan cradles his face to hold that trust with as much honor and reverence as he can muster.

“Papa… papa…”

Chan feels the strain of every breath, the snapping reserves of each effort, and he's given a measure of power he could never conjure himself–

– he starts to hum.

A slow and sweet song, a lullaby mixed with a promise.

The pain leaves Felix's body, eyes closed as he drinks the gentle melody. 

It melts and sinks beneath the ground.

While Chan holds his body, Felix rises and flies far above him, to the reaches of the heavens that call him home.

And Chan weeps.

Chapter Text

“ Suzume , huh?”

Yeji startles and whirls around in the little vocal practice room, but Hyunjin’s already snuck in and made himself comfortable in the other chair by the lights. She wishes he would flick it on so she can see how tired he is, staying up after his long day to watch Itzy’s anniversary live, and then waiting long enough for her to finish up with the girls and take an hour or two to herself to brush up their upcoming songs. 

He’s surely got deep bags under his eyes. And unwashed hair from the beanie. But he’s got a terribly amused smirk she wants to smush her hands on top of, that doesn’t need any light to beam through. 

“Yes, Suzume ,” she turns around in her chair, head held high, proud of her choice, “What of it? I thought it was rather fitting.”

Hyunjin purses his lips thoughtfully. 

“Chaeryeong as Mia from La La Land was too easy. It’s almost too fitting, she’s a total idol. Ryujin as Wednesday was just funny, and Yuna as Seoyeon made me laugh… Both for taking Bae Suzy’s character and thinking she’s cursed to be single. And– ah! Jisu? I didn’t understand it at first, so I had to look up Leon the Professional and ask Chan what he thought, but I think I understand… but you as Suzume?” he clicks his tongue and shakes his head, “I was trying to understand whether you were still chasing Daijin since you were holding him very particularly the whole time.”

Yeji’s face slowly breaks from her seriousness into a smile. 

“Why? Is that what being an idol is? Chasing a Daijin until we put it back in its place?”

Hyunjin’s body drapes itself over a chair in only the way his lanky figure can manage, very serious as he answers her, “Depends. Are your fans a meddlesome cat who curses your boyfriend in an ill-fated attempt to keep you apart?” Hyunjin’s expressions stutter, “Is that an insult to midzy?”

“Yes!” she throws a pillow at his face, “Don’t insult my midzys like that, you brute!”

“Ah, sorry,” he says seriously, catching the pillow and clutching it, before looking amused again, “Is this Suzume on that journey? Or has she already reached the end, and is waiting for school to finish so she can chase open doors to the ever-after to lock up?”

Turning away from him, Yeji hums, teasing him a bit as she orders her lyric sheets properly. She knows it annoys him to no end, when she pulls her attention away from him and pretends to be uninterested in their conversation. 

“Oh, I don’t know,” she says lightly, hearing him shift uncomfortably and try to get her to look back at him, “Maybe I’m still running all over Japan… maybe I’m chasing Daijin precariously through other people’s view of him… maybe my boyfriend is a chair who’s only good for sitting on top of and acting as a comfortable seat for me.”

Hyunjin chokes and stammers behind her, and Yeji hears him almost fall out of his seat, so she prattles on. 

“And, I mean, he does have this obvious problem with sleep. Poor man can’t wake up if the world was ending,” she starts complaining to the wall, “I don’t even know if kissing him awake would work, to be very honest, he would probably sleep through all my affections, and–”

“Yah– hey –”

“And his sole purpose isn’t me right now– of course not, look at him, with his– his– tallness and long hair and cardigan aesthetic– he’s also chasing after Daijin. Which isn’t wrong, it’s just how it is right now, so maybe–”

Suddenly there are two arms on either side of her, hands on the table, and Yeji can feel Hyunjin’s breath on the top of her head. 

“Isn’t it?” he says quietly, “His sole purpose right now? Even when chasing daijin, was to see Suzume safe?”

A small gasp escapes Yeji from how close Hyunjin is to her. What he’s trying to tell her– with his words and his proximity. There are a thousand things that flash in her mind, from what he messages her early in the morning to the secrets they share late at night. The things he’d set on fire for her. 

Yeji hums, and she turns, which makes him take a step back enough for her to straighten her shoulders, standing up with her chin held high as she sits herself on the table, to not let him use his height against her. They’re eye to eye this way, with Hyunjin leaning against the table and Yeji trying to loom over him. 

“With all that handsomeness?” Yeji mumbles, eyes trailing down his face, “Hm…”

It’s a ruse– if Hyunjin stands up, he’d probably still be taller than her. But instead he looks up at her like this, and the side of his lips quirk up. 

“Well,” Hyunjin adds, voice as quiet as a whisper escaping him, “I suppose Suzume didn’t realize it at that moment either. And that was alright. Because he kept her safe anyway. And she saved him too.”

And they’re both thinking of a cold and freezing depression, when the whole world seemed to cave in, and Hyunjin could only quietly sit and wait for things to pass, while Yeji took his spotlight for a moment, and held his hand till that day of his return. 

A little four leaf clover, as precious as the teddy bears in both their rooms. 

With a little protective boost of courage, Yeji loops her arms around Hyunjin’s neck, reveling in his startled expression as her arms hang there, kicking her feet beneath the table and on either side of him. 

“I guess, perhaps you’re right,” she finally concedes, “Maybe they’ve already saved each other. Maybe they’re in that period of waiting, while one returns to his high stakes exams and the other to regular school life, for their vacations to come and for the chance to run all over Japan together again, hm?”

Hyunjin’s expression seems satisfied with this answer, although Yeji is sure he couldn’t have been unsatisfied – because truly there’s nothing more he wants than to just share a stolen moment between busy schedules. She knows it when he leans closer as he stands up, to press a kiss to the side of her head and then pull her closer to him, until she’s wrapped in his arms, leaning against his chest.

“Is it getting busy?” he looks through the marked up lyric sheets behind her, “The comeback preparations?”

“Always, that’s how it is. But it’s good,” Yeji looks up, “You?”

“Mm,” he hums noncommittally, so that she won’t feel discouraged to text and call him whenever she finds the chance– it’s an algorithm they’ve perfected now. 

An algorithm like meeting each other in quiet and lonely practice rooms after long schedules. Or sneaking to each other’s dorms when those dorms became their own homes.

“Next Tuesday, hm?”

“Mm,” Hyunjin gave her another tight squeeze before letting go, “Changbin-hyung might be there, but I’ll remind him to wear a shirt. And pants.”

“Boys.” Yeji slides off the table as Hyunjin steps back, reaching for the door, “What’ll we watch?”

“I dunno,” Hyunjin’s eyes twinkled as he turned around, one foot out into the hall, “How does Suzume sound?”

Yeji bites her tongue and slaps his arm, and in the same motion stands up on the tips of her toes to plant a kiss on his cheek. 

He’s blushing hard when she whispers– “Whatever you’d like.”

His eyes flicker nervously, under her gaze, but he smiles as he leaves, the door clicking shut behind him. 

Yeah, she thinks, back against the door, straining to listen to his retreating footsteps outside, Suzume.

Chapter Text

Chan’s breath is stolen from his chest when he sees Felix. 

No…

His heartbeat skyrockets and he hears his grief like a kettle whistling, because all he can do is stand by the door as the monitor in the hospital room draws Felix’s heartbeat, a machine by the bedside breathing for him, and he’s overwhelmed by a chanting in his own head–

No-no-no-no-no–

There isn’t any time for him to steady his own head, when the doors at the end of the hall burst open, and a frantic mother stumbles down the hall, stumbling over her feet like a wild and uncontrollable storm. 

“Is he alright– he’s alright, isn’t he? Channie, is he–” 

She screams. 

It’s louder than the sound of Felix’s slow and feeble heartbeat. 

“My baby!”

By the time Nayeon reaches the door, Chan is a little more prepared. She shrieks and her feet fall out from beneath her, voiceless, hysterical in her grief, and Chan catches her before she hits the floor. 

“Imo…” Chan can’t find the words, and he holds her, unable to stop himself from crying, “Imo, I-- I--…”

There’s nothing to say, really, Chan staring at his cousin’s body, and Nayeon wailing for her son, and Felix floating somewhere between life and death before them. 

A thousand unspeakable things, perhaps.

So Chan holds his aunt tightly, and says nothing.

~

When he comes home, he isn't the same, but he is home.

Chan tries to remember that, when Felix's hand struggles to lift the spoon to his mouth, dropping to his side and splattering food everywhere. He doesn't mind feeding him- it's his second nature to encourage his cousin about how he enjoyed helping him, and it didn't bother him that sometimes Felix would drool as he ate and need reminders to chew fully before he swallowed.

No, it was that light behind his eyes. That flicker of total clarity and consciousness that came and went, and the deep anguish when it was there.

“Another bite,” Chan lifts the spoon, and Felix is staring at him, jaw clenched, “...Felix, c'mon, you're almost done, baby, open up.”

With the little control he has in his neck, Felix swings his head to the other side, hand drifting to the little control on his motorized wheelchair, and Chan barely has time to reach out and stop him.

“Hey, Felix–”

Chan hates this part. He knows how much pain Felix must live in, bottled up in his broken body, along with all the things he can no longer tell them. And it kills him to see that light come and go, and think of that teenager who wouldn't even let Chan drive him to school, his independence too strong when his dad left them to fend for themselves. 

Nayeon didn't raise her son to need anything from anyone.

There were times when Chan wondered if that boy was still in there, and there were times when Chan knew for sure that he was.

Felix rolls himself away and leaves Chan at the table with his mushed up food.

Looking down at his hands, Chan tries not to cry and wish he didn't know that boy. Because knowing that boy made helping this boy so much harder.

“Felix,” Chan sterns up his voice, “You can't keep skipping meals.”

The chair bumps into something angrily.

Chan takes a deep breath and keeps going, “Felix.”

The chair swivels, and Chan can imagine a fierce and fiery spirit asking him, What?!

“You won't be able to help yourself if you don't have the strength and energy for it. And you won't have the strength if you don't eat.” Chan's frustrations bubble to the top as he rambles on, “And then they'll put a tube back in you and force you to eat, and then you'll poop more and we'll need to clean up more often and you'll hate us, and I'll hate myself because you hate us and–”

Chan clamps down on his voice before he can let even the faint grasp of his own depression breakthrough. He can't handle it. He can't handle everything, he can't handle both of them at the same time.

He's trying to regulate his emotions, when he hears the motorized wheelchair slowly come back to the table. Even then, he waits until he's sure he won't snap or burst into tears before opening his eyes again.

“I'm sorry,” he tells Felix quietly, “I shouldn't get frustrated with you like that. You're frustrated enough as it is, I'm sorry, I know it's hard.”

When he looks at him, Felix is looking at the table, at the bowl of food. Chan can't be sure if he's fully there or not, his expression blank and unreadable, but he huffs and swings his arm out till his hand is firmly on the table, and then taps his fingers.

Chan stares for a moment, before filling the spoon and putting it within Felix's grasp.

He watches, quiet, as with no small effort, Felix maneuvers the spoon like the occupational therapist teaches him to, lifting it haphazardly but towards his mouth, before lowering it towards the bowl again. Only when it's back in the bowl, do his eyes meet Chan’s, and Chan can see the light flickering within them.

There are moments when Chan is sure he can see Felix howling behind his disability to vent a thousand unspeakable words, but in this moment, Chan only sees determination, quiet but fierce.

He smiles and fills the spoon again.

The corner of Felix's lips quirk up. And he reaches for the spoon again.

And that boy from before is the same boy now. 

~

Chan's breath is still stolen some days. But never like before.

He comes home after long shifts, when he's sore and aching all over, and he'll find there's more wonder now than he could have ever imagined.

And teenage Chan who'd been adopted by his aunt when both his parents had kicked the bucket to overdose had quite the imagination.

“Imo? Did you need me to run and grab groceries or–”

There on the couch, Felix is leaning against his mother, propped up so he can't fall over, but also held by her like she used to hold him as a child. His head on her chest as she hums, hands brushing over his face. They're watching a kids movie Chan vaguely recognizes, and when Nayeon turns and smiles at him, there is none of that exhaustion an overworked mother ought to wear.

She doesn't look like the woman Chan is scared to leave because she might be drowned taking care of her disabled child.

And Felix–

The expression on his face is bright, serene, eyes attentive on the screen, posture relaxed and calm. If Chan blurs his vision, this might be a scene from any other Friday night, after a long week, when they cuddled on the couch and forgot about the rest of the world for an evening.

“Channie! Come, come, we just started Wall-E, come. We waited for you to have ice cream, I bought our usual on my way back from work, grab it and come, quickly!”

Chan's numb with the feeling of walking through a suspended moment. He passes Felix's wheelchair, and hesitates with the thought of wanting to clean it, but his heart takes him to the kitchen to grab bowls and their pints, Nayeon's swirling handwriting of their names on each nearly making him cry.

It's been forever since they've done this. Chan feels like a child, but it's been forever.

“Chan, hurry!”

He shuffles to the couch, and takes his place on her other side, gently propping her up, knowing she's been supporting Felix's whole weight and straining herself without realizing, but as they settle, Nayeon's head on his shoulder, he isn't sure it hasn't always been like this.

Felix hums a deep and pleased sound.

“Mm, we were due a movie night,” Nayeon agrees, “Especially if it snows tomorrow. Everything will shut down if it does, and then we can make snowmen and watch more movies. Maybe your therapist will cancel, Lix-ah, and we'll have time to even run a bubble bath.”

Another gurgling sound bubbles out of Felix and Nayeon hums back as she feeds him a spoon of strawberry sherbet, careful to sit him up a little so he doesn't choke. Chan settles himself further into the couch, pineapple cream on his lips and leans into Nayeon's warmth.

Wall-E's eyes sparkle with the stars on screen.

Chan glances to his side and thinks that all their eyes do as well.

Especially and always Felix's.

He stares with a thousand unspeakable words on the tip of his tongue, and rests in that peace.

A quiet howling, that bursts into a relieved laugh, and dissipates into a perfect night.

Chapter Text

“Come here, my darlings, who wants snuggle time~”

From the kitchen, Chan paused, leaning slightly until he could see into the living room, where Mina was curled up in the middle of the couch, and their kids ran over to her, toddler feet tripping over themselves headfirst with arms outstretched while bigger feet overtook them. 

He smiled as Lily crashed into the couch, kicking her feet to try and get up, Mina giggling and grabbing the waistband of her pants to help her, while Felix jumped onto the couch cushions and bounced on the other side, before diving into his mother’s embrace. Lily let out a sound of protest at the sight, shoving his head to snuggle closer into her embrace, while Mina bundled them all up in an extra large fuzzy blanket Chan had gotten them the first Christmas Mina had been pregnant. 

“Hey!” Felix shot up, pulling away for a moment, “Lily, your feet are cold!”

“No, they not!”

“Yes they are!”

“ Arf !” 

“Berry, no! ”

Chan chuckled, leaned on his elbows as their overgrown cuddle-dinosaur of a golden retriever tried to butt his way into their snuggling, finally settling to roll onto his back on the floor while Mina rubbed his tummy with her feet. 

“Well there,” she said gently, “Now we’ve got a foot warmer. And all that’s missing–?”

When their eyes turned to him, Chan almost startled, like he’d been watching a scene from a movie and the fourth wall had just been shattered. Lily stood up on the couch, little hand opening and closing in a motion for him to come, face seriously pinched in her insistence. Felix was not so patient, groaning and calling out–

“Daddy, c’ mon~! ”

Laughing, Chan shuffled his way back to the living room, picking Lily up off her feet and tossing her up once before taking her place at Mina’s side, tickling Felix to scooch over a little before wrapping them all up in the blanket and swinging his arm around his wife to kiss her long and hard on her cheek. 

They all melted in the warmth of each other, little Lily giggling, her head on Chan’s shoulder right under his head, Felix tucked into Mina’s arm, and the two of them with their whole world while Berry let out a contented whine beneath them. 

~

Hyunjin sighed as the last person stumbled into the house, tripping and stumbling into the corner sleeping bag, deadweight to the world. He couldn’t sleep till he was sure everyone was home and passed out– nervous habit. 

In his bed, Ryujin mumbled something incoherent and rolled over. She smelled gross, but she’d refused to take a shower. She had been coming down from a high, and Hyunjin had seen how that dark cloud was settling quickly, and decided not to fight it. His own hands were starting to twitch, the whining at the back of his head setting in, as the slow burning ache in his hands and knees returned. He really wanted a smoke. At least. He’d been craving a stick in the arm for weeks now but–

“Appa?”

Gritting his teeth, Hyunjin took a moment to settle himself before turning over, pulling the best smile he could. 

“Yes, baby girl?”

Yuna pouted, her face small in the oversized hat Ryujin had snatched from the park earlier that week. It had cute floppy bunny ears on top they tugged to make her smile, and her cheeks had more color now from the warmth it gave.

“I’m cold again.”

“Oh, that won’t do , not for my little princess ,” Hyunjin scooped her up out of her sleeping bag, Yuna’s giggling ringing through the small overcrowded room and someone muttering a string of swears Hyunjin pointedly ignored, “There must be peas in your bed, I’m certain, little princess. Come , come sleep with your eomma and appa, right here. ”

He waited until she wiggled her way in, tugging Ryujin’s limp arm over her and settling herself before looking up at Hyunjin with her bunny-toothed smile.

“All settled?”

“Yes, appa!”

Then he zipped up the sleeping bag, reaching over to pull Ryujin closer and tuck Yuna safely under his cheek between them, her breath against his throat, warm and alive . 

“Sleep, baby girl,” he whispered, and that warmth bled and filled him, in a numbness that rivaled any drug trip. 

~

Changbin was quiet as he snuck up the stairs. He could hear laughter, little giggles and footsteps running around their apartment. He wasn’t usually home in time for this part, but he knew Chaeryeong would play with the kids after dinner to run their energy out before showers and bedtime, and he’d always smiled fondly when Chaeryeong facetimed him to show what they were up to. 

“--Eighteen… nineteen… twenty! Ready or not, here I come!”

He quietly took off his shoes and set his suitcase in the corner, walking like he could disturb the magic of his own home with a single breath. He watched in the shadows as Seungmin tugged Jeongin by the wrist and they both dove into the closet. He bit his lip as Chaeryeong walked close enough that her shadow fell over the cracks in the door, before she purposefully turned away. 

“Hm… where are they… where are my babies, hm~? ”

Leaning against the wall in the hallway, just out of the light, Changbin watched as his wife swayed, an unheard rhythm in her step as she pushed open the door of their bedroom, humming a curious sound while Jeongin and Seungmin’s barely contained giggles and shushings echoed behind her. 

“Let’s see, my two boys and my little girl, hm! Where could they be!”

On cue, Changbin stifled a laugh as Haewon popped out from wherever she was hiding, squealing in delight, and Changbin watched Chaeryeong’s shadow pick her up and swing her around, hair flying, the two of them laughing at each other. 

“ There’s my little girl! Now let’s find your brothers, hm? Where could they be, Haewonie, where?”

Slinking back into the hallway to be out of her sight, Chaeryeong’s eyes roamed to under the couch for a second before darting right back to the couch, Haewon sitting on her hip, holding onto her neck, a toothy smile as she looked at the closet as well. Setting her down, Chaeryeong put a finger to her lips, as they tiptoed, barely able to contain themselves more than the boys, until Chaeryeong threw open the closet and–

“Ah- ha ! Found you troublemakers, there you are! ”

It was at that moment, Changbin finally left the shadows. Creeping quietly, he came up behind while they were distracted, and when he was sure even the kids weren’t paying attention yet, grabbed Chaeryeong by the waist and pulled her back–

“ AH! ” Chaeryeong startled with a scream that melted into a laugh, “Ah~! How could you do that to me!”

She slapped his chest and let him pull her completely into his arms, the kids screaming and pulling them both to the ground as Changbin’s nose buried into the hair above her ear and arms looped tightly around her waist. Haewon’s arms were soon around his neck, Seungmin tugging on Changbin’s hands to loosen around Chaeryeong so he could sneak into her arms, while Jeongin tried to push himself and wedge right between his front and her back with his whole body. 

“Hey, hey, hey!” Changbin shouted, laughing as he threw them off, holding onto his wife tight as they all tumbled to the food, Chaeryeong turning to him with all the light of the sun in her face, “Ah, Ryeong-ah , what have we created!”

She answered by taking his face between her hands and kissing him until their kids groaned and tried to shove them apart all the more fiercely. But Changbin only swept them all up in his arms, and they laid on that floor in full laughter, down from their bellies and filled with warmth. 

~

There were paws at the door before Minho even put the key in the door. He smiled, hearing Bella whine and Soonie meow insistently, only from Minho’s footsteps. 

“Alright, alright , I’m coming,” he chuckled to himself, foot already in the door to stop the little terrier from bolting as soon as the door was a crack open, Soonie looking at the silly dog for a second before glancing up at Minho judgmentally as if to say Can you see what I put up with?

“I know, baby, silly one this,” Minho ruffled the dog between the ears as she licked at Minho’s face in enthusiastic greeting, bending down to scoop up his well-mannered Soonie to place kisses between little ears before finally stepping inside and closing the door with his foot. 

“Minho-ah, is that you?”

Dropping the pets, Minho shuffled into the kitchen, and the immediate smell of home filled his lungs, from the stove and all through the home, Jisu’s hair tied in a knot on top of her head, a satisfied and proud smirk on her face, one that Minho swooped around to try and kiss off before she abruptly turned away, laughing but raising her stir spoon threateningly. 

Before Minho can properly plant a kiss there, a figure slinks around the corner, head bowed, hood tugged over her head.

“Can I, uh , help?”

Minho’s eyes widened for a second, and then softened. All these years of their open door, and it still never surprised Minho– she was still shaky, in her eyes and hands, uncertain in herself now as she was the first time Jisu had found her and brought her home, as insistent in adopting her as she was in wanting to be pregnant.

“ Yeji-ah! ” Jisu shoved Minho away to take a bowl of stir fried noodles and hand it to her, “Here, set the table, and ask Jisung if that’s salty enough for him, hm?”

Minho gasped a little, “ Jisung’s here too? ”

“Mm, I set up a movie for him. Quiet as a mouse, that one…”

Peering around the corner, Minho glanced at the little boy, bundled up in a dirty oversized sweatshirt, a little ketchup stain down the front, his eyes glued to whatever he was watching. Yeji was staring at him too, uncertainly shifting from one foot to the other, before hurriedly turning around and muttering under her breath, to leave the bowl of noodles on the table without consulting him. 

She’d never been sure with her son. Not since the first day of her pregnancy. That was why she came here with him as often as she did. 

Minho was quiet as he came to the couch to sit next to Jisung, as cautious as he would be approaching his wife after a long day of crying, or Soonie when she got spooked by the thunder. Jisung’s eyes flickered to him once, before staring all the more intensely at the movie he was watching, Minho gingerly settling next to him. 

Nemo banged his head into the glass tank on the screen. 

“It’s good to see you again, kid.”

Shuffling a little, Jisung mumbled, “...You too, Uncle Minho.”

“Not letting that kid in your class steal your homework anymore, I hope?”

There was a moment of silence, but Minho felt the tension seep a little from the boy’s shoulders, and the sound of a satisfied smile pull at his face.

“No sir.”

“Good boy.”

Throwing an arm around him, Minho tugged him a little closer, mentally noting the smell of the sewer sticking to his hair, but still planting a kiss there anyway. 

“You pick this movie?”

“Mhm. Mum likes it.”

“Oh, does she?” Minho’s voice lilted in amusement, the back of his mind wondering whether it was a single parent braving the world for his kid or a kid so out of place in a strange world, “Will she come watch with us then?”

He could feel Yeji tugging at her sleeves, nervously side-shuffling and biting on the edge of her hair as she watched them just out of sight. Her face had gotten more angular recently, her eyes threatening to hollow out.

“The food…” she mumbled, “Gettin’ cold…”

“Hm,” Minho frowned, and then yelled, “ Yah, Jisu-ah! ”

In just as loud a yell, louder than necessary, she yelled back, “ Mm? ”

It made Jisung giggle, the way they would use their whole bodies to yell back and forth at each other.

“ Can we wait until this scene finishes to eat? ”

“ How long will that be? ”

Before he could stop himself, a laugh tumbled out of him, “... How am I supposed to know that, woman?! ”

“ Tch! Useless, that’s what you are, Lee Minho! ”

All the same, she came out of the kitchen herself to swat at Minho with the dish towel, standing and critically looking at the screen for a moment or two, before letting out a dramatic sigh. 

“ Well . We can’t stop until we get through the next two scenes at least.”

“Mm! My thoughts exactly!” Minho hummed approvingly, winking at Jisung, who giggled behind his hands as Jisu dramatically threw her shoes off and fell into the couch next to Minho as he tugged her down by her hand, motioning with her head for Yeji to come sit. 

Yeji came nervously, cautiously, and sat next to Jisung leaving a little space, like she didn’t want to disrupt his peace. But it didn’t take very long for Minho to feel her son shift, slowly drifting towards her, before reaching out to take her hand, like she wouldn’t even notice. But Minho was sure she did, a smile quirking at the edge of her lips, twitches of comfort overtaking her own shakiness.

He smiled, as a nervous dad on screen fought for the bravery to be strong enough for his kid. Minho knew parents like that. He felt Jisu next to him hold on tightly to the back of his shirt, and reached back to loop an arm around her and kiss the top of her head, for all that bravery between them. 

It was warm and it was strong. 

And it was the sort of place a kid belonged.

Chapter Text

Chan isn’t really sure how it happens. 

Well, he does, but it’s still rather unbelievable when he thinks about it.

“Appa,” Jisung crawls up to him, resting his chin on Chan’s knees, “Snack.”

“You had snack, Sungie,” Chan mumbles, a fond edge to his voice even as he tries to multitask and correct test papers on his lap while brushing his son’s hair out of his eyes, “Remember? We have snack right after we come home from school? What did you eat for snack, tell me.”

There’s a very methodical and predictable routine to Chan’s days. When all his middle school kids are dismissed, he rushes to Jisung’s preschool to pick him and his nephew Felix up, and then ushers them both up three flights of stairs, where three kids and a baby wait in front of his door, their parents not coming home for several hours. Everyone is usually hungry. So Chan has a basket of the exact same snacks for them to pick through.

Jisung’s head rolls till his cheek is smushed against the ball of Chan’s knee, “Don’t ‘memeber.”

“No? Think back, what did you have?” he winces as Hyunjin’s test paper earns more crosses and his answers are so indecipherable that he can’t even find a way to give him back points for trying, “Hm… we put our shoes away, you hung your backpack up, and then? Where do you go after?”

Jisung groans, little toddler hands on his face, pulling his cheeks down with more drama than was warranted– it’s definitely something he learned from Minho from next door, who’s politely sitting on the couch doing his homework, smirking at Jisung’s impersonation of him. 

“I don’t ‘me-member, appa!”

Before Chan can respond with just as much exasperation, Seungmin jumps up from where he was building a tower, pushing his glasses higher up his nose, and crying out–

“I remember! Goldfish!”

Then before Chan can praise him, Changbin throws a pencil at his little brother’s head, hitting him square above the ear, hissing: “He wasn’t asking you dumb-dumb!”

“Ow! Hey!”

Minho swats Changbin at the back of his head, “Be nice!”

Seungmin puffs his chest up, “Yeah! Be nice!”

“You!” Minho points his pencil at Seungmin, “Mind your business!”

From the corner, where Felix is precariously helping baby Jeongin stand on his feet, come little giggles, as Felix pantomimes Jeongin putting a hand on his hip and waving his other hand at Seungmin, to imitate Minho. If Jeongin hadn’t been Minho’s brother and it be absolutely impossible to be mad at Felix, Chan is sure Minho would have thrown sharp words at the giggling corner too. Instead, he bites his lip to try and fail at being horribly amused by them. 

“Boys, don’t figh–”

Jisung slams his cheek down onto Chan’s lap again with a groan just as Jeongin pulls himself from Felix’s grip to flop onto the floor, Changbin hissing and scrambling over the edge of the couch to make sure he isn’t hurt, Minho peering over him, while Seungmin crosses his arms and rather loudly declares–

“Well, I do remember. Goldfish. We always have goldfish. Stupid.”

“Don’t call people stupid.” Minho says harshly, picking up Jeongin off the floor and examining him like a piece of meat for any injury. Jeongin sticks his chubby fists in his mouth like nothing happened– it’s Felix who looks snap away from breaking down. 

“Seungmin,” Chan pulls his teacher-voice, “Thank you for the reminder. You don’t need to be mean about it, alright?”

Rolling his eyes and kicking the blocks by his feet, Seungmin mumbles something Chan can’t hear as he returns to his tower, Felix’s eyes downcast as he quietly comes up next to him to help to avoid looking at Minho– who is not angry with Felix and seems rather happy to have an excuse to hold his brother and bounce him around instead of doing him homework. Changbin is dangling upside down on the couch, and mumbles–

“...I’m hungry too.”

“See!” Jisung is back to his feet in an instant, tugging on Chan’s pants like another kid who isn’t Chan’s son will somehow move Chan’s heart a little to the left on a second snack. 

It might be working, but Chan can’t let them know that.

Especially when Jeongin starts eating Minho's shirt, his slobber everywhere, and Minho suspiciously dazed, his eyes glazed over staring at the snack bin. 

Perhaps the final nail in the coffin is when Chan's phone dings, and he opens an email from one [email protected]…..

Hi Mr Bang,

I failed that, didn't I? 

Because I'm sitting in dairy queen listening to my sister and her friends talk about their answers and i think theyre speaking a different language.

Are you free for tutoring this week?

Its alright if you arent, I can ask them for help too, I just know I didnt do well.

I will do better next quarter.

Have a great day,

Hyunjin

P.s. theyre not talking talking about the test, i know we're not supposed to do that, theyre just talking about the material. They arent creating cheat sheets or anything for future classes who have you haha yeji wanted me to make sure i wrote that just so you know shes not a bad student!!

“I think it's cabin fever.”

Chan blinks and looks up at a very serious Changbin, who is upside down but had a very resolved expression on his face.

“Beg your pardon?”

“Cabin fever.” He repeats, matter-of-fact, “Makes you antsy, that's what mom says. And that makes you hungry.”

“Fever? I'm sick?” Jisung pouts up at Chan, “That means I need ice cream, appa…”

“N-no–”

“Dairy Queen has free cones today.”

Chan stares at Minho.

Minho stares at Chan.

Seungmin doesn't even notice when he rattles off– "They have a cookie monster flavor this month. Crunchin Cookie. It's blue. That's my favorite color. And that's my favorite flavor. It's a candy shell on the ice cream, eomma and I like it the bestest.”

Not missing a beat, balancing a triangular block on the top of his tower, Felix shoots back, “The cherry shell is the bestest actually. My Nayeon noona says so.”

“Nuh-uh, crunchy– crunchin cookie is better, because– because– because it's blue like cookie monster, and it's yummier.”

Felix shrugs, “Noona likes red. It's sweet.”

Seungmin tries to get Felix's attention by standing directly in front of him to argue why he's objectively wrong, but Chan doesn't see them, he only sees Jisung, who's eyes have grown three times their normal size.

“Cookie… ice cream cone?” He whispers, almost reverently, “Appa… appa, pleeeaaaase?”

And Chan is nothing but a weak, weak man.

Hi Hyunjin,

Thanks for reaching out! We can work on this unit, and go over test revisions, and come up with a plan for next unit.

Which dairy queen are you at? Sounds like Yeji's study group today is a great place to start working :)

Mr Bang

P.S. As long as specific questions are not discussed or written down, I am glad the unit material is being studied. Please remind Yeji, however, that other teachers have stricter policies and she should be careful discussing the day after an exam when other students might not have taken it yet!

It's a three minute drive to the dairy queen in town, and it takes about thirty seconds of that drive for all parents involved to be adequately informed. Perhaps because Changbin and Minho had already let their mothers know as soon as “ice cream” even left Jisung's lips and they saw the weakness in Chan's face.

Regardless, he stands in front of the poor worker at the register who seems to know what a horde of children would want.

Felix tugs Chan's sleeve, “Can I have one of every flavor? Since it's free?”

The worker seems to grip the counter a little tighter, “It's one per person for the deal. An dollar extra for the flavor shells.”

Chan laughs tightly, already struggling to keep everyone's orders straight, mentally screaming at the thought of Felix on more sugar than proportionally appropriate, “Of course, of course!”

In the corner booth, it seems as though Yeji and her friends have adequately taken advantage of this, and have five cones between them, with an extra order of fries in the middle to dip with.

Hyunjin does not have a cone. He has a textbook.

“What a nerd.” Minho snorts, his eyes wandering to the booth long enough to let Jeongin have more than a little lick of his vanilla, hissing when it ends up smeared over his cheek, eyes wide as he lunges mouth first for more.

Chan smiles and then call out– “Hey, Hyunjin!”

The boy startles, and then politely tips his head in greeting.

“What flavor do you like? Brainfood, before we go over stuff!”

They take up a whole wall at the dairy queen, three blue shelled ice creams between them– including Felix, who does not mention his noona's favorite cherry flavor even once after his first taste, Seungmin going on and on waxing poetry of the unnaturally blue cookie flavor. 

“It's ice cream magic,” he declares, and even Changbin seems convinced by this, sneaking a bite from him when he's sure Seungmin isn't watching.

It's about an hour later when Hyunjin finally touches his cone, a corrected test between them, and gratefulness dripping off his body– and at that point it's been turned over into a cup and is more of a milkshake, all droopy and sad, but no less enjoyed.

The ice cream settles right between Chan's ribcage, and he feels himself lighten, just a little.

Especially as Jisung slowly slinks from a sugar crash, his head landing on Chan's thigh, a contented hum lulling him to sleep.

"Thanks, appa."

He smiles.

Because if Chan thinks about it, he does know how they ended up like this. 

It's all his own fault really.

Chapter Text

You're as good as dead, Chan. 

You can't carry much more like this.

Yeji finds Chan hunched over his computer in the corner of the warehouse, and she puts a gun to his temple.

“You're going to help my brother.”

Normally, Chan is not so off-kilter as he is at this moment, the shock of a former student and ally demanding things off him so bluntly more than his weary sleep-deprived mind could fully compute. But he sees the fire in her eyes and the end of her brightly spray-painted rifle and it makes him stammer.

“I– well– I mean, of course, yeah, ye-ye-ye alright… help with what?”

Although Yeji had always been a girl of few but sharp, demanding words, her silence unsettles Chan this time, as she had him follow her, back out to her gang’s hideaway, where she throws open the doors and kicks aside the tables and chairs, and points him to a dark, dingy corner, where a figure is curled up, moaning in delirious pain. 

No, not just any figure, Chan grimaces, feeling sick to his stomach--

Hyunjin.

This was his Hyunjin…

“Go,” Yeji shoves him from behind, rifle hanging by her side, and eyes shadowed as her forehead tipped forward, “Fix him. ”

Chan's heard these words before. From his own mouth, his own mind, from a stronger man who'd taken a stuttering boy and a limping girl and demanded a ground for them to stand stronger than anyone else, only for them to fly his nest and leave him battered and bruised.

Chan hears Yeji. He hears himself in her. 

Fix him.

"FIX HIM!"

Chan wants to. Viscerally, and without thought, even though he cannot understand what is wrong and how he can help, his heart is bleeding out to save this boy whom he taught to walk, taught to speak, taught to fight. 

Hands shaking as he rolls Hyunjin over, his breath is loud in his ears, panicking as he tries to find the cause of all the writhing, Hyunjin’s long body doubled over, hands pulling himself impossibly tighter, face twisted and contorted, a mangled and inhuman sound pulled from deep within his breath at every slight movement. 

“Hyunjin–” Chan gasps, finally pulling the boy’s hands away from himself, and seeing the edges of his fingertips, bright green and shriveling up before his eyes, “W-what–”

“He left to patrol,” Yeji tells him in a dead, far away voice, acidically dripping, “I came back and found him like this.”

Chan begins to peel off Hyunjin’s clothes, despite the protest of pain it brings from them both. 

“W-where... where did he go…?”

“West End. East. I don't know. He didn't tell. He left with all his gear. He came back with nothing .”

There’s green in Hyunjin’s veins.

It’s sickening to look at Hyunjin’s chest, a pulsating green up his neck and down his arms with every beat of his heart, and when Chan puts his hand over that heart, Hyunjin grasps him with both hands and pushes him to hold him down tighter. 

His eyes crack open, “Please, ” begging, and pleading, and half grieving, “Please, please, make it stop, please–”

Chan understands. He knows what Hyunjin wants of him. It’s something he cannot and will not give him. 

Release.

"Chan,"  he rasps, "Please--"

“Well?” Behind him, Yeji shakes, shoving the barrel into his back as she watches her brother convulse in pain again, “ Help him!”

Chan’s vision is blurry. His hands are cold. But not as cold as Hyunjin’s. 

He gathers his boy up, the little boy he found with his little scowling sister in a cardboard box, bright chalk in their hair and faces that even the rain couldn’t wash away. Cradling him, gangly arms and legs curled up, he pulls him to his chest like he did back then, right over his heart, right near his heartbeat. 

Yeji knows what this means. 

There’s no way she doesn’t. 

Her rifle falls to the ground and clatters loudly, but not as loud as her wailing. 

“I’ve got you, dear boy,” Chan whispers, as Hyunjin paws and scratches at him, begging for a quick release, “ I’ve got you–”

“No, no-no- no ,” Yeji pulls at him from behind, screaming, “Help him, help him, SAVE him!”

And Chan wants to. 

He wants to, he wants to so bad he could claw his own heart out. 

“Ch- Chan– ” Hyunjin’s fingers tighten around the collar of Chan’s shirt, and then he sobs out Chan’s name in all that strength, “Chan, Chan, Chan–!”

Then suddenly it’s pulled from him. Like his own instincts reacted and acted as Chan’s deepest core demanded, and Chan’s palm slams onto his chest, Hyunjin throwing his head back, eyes blown wide, and in a dramatic flare of magic, the green toxin is bled from him, torn from his vessels, and bursts from his mouth. 

Yeji stumbles back at first, but when it disappears in a flash, she dives into the light, and pulls her brother from Chan’s arms. 

He groans, tensing once, before passing out completely. Finally. In a panic, Yeji's hands find his pulse for a tense moment, before her tension bleeds from her arms and down into the floor. Yeji smooths his hair back in relief, and then settles him on the ground with her jacket rolled up beneath his head.

Then she slowly, hesitantly, looks up at Chan. 

His eyes are shadowed, hollowed, but he smiles at her. Her breath catches a little when Chan stumbles as he picks himself up, but he smiles before she can think of helping him too. 

“Let him rest,” Chan rasps, and turns away before his eyes can droop dangerously in front of her, stumbling out before his own heart can betray him again, when Yeji calls out–

“Wait! Chan…”

But he’s gone, and Yeji is left in the silence of his wake. And the sure, steady breath of her brother, alive. 

So she doesn’t say another word.

Chan doesn't think much of it, as his strength leaves his legs, and he limps and stumbles and nearly falls on top of his computer.

It's quiet in the warehouse. It was quiet back then too.

Chan? he hears two children's voices echoing in this space, Chan!

They morph and meld and it aches in his soul, as the green sparks and flickers off his body and crackles in the warehouse, just like a magic he had bled from them back then when everyone told them they were as good as dead--

You'll be as good as dead, Chan.

Beacause really, they’re no different at all from those two children Chan had first abandoned.

Even now...

...as he abandons them again.

Chapter Text

The music room in their home was never quiet. While the business was common, the place at the piano was generally reserved for Jeongin, and only Jeongin.

He ran through his scales, dancing up and down the ivory till each had been touched, and he found a key that caught his ear, and drew out a melody. His left hand stuck heavily on a bass note, moving and echoing out as his right lazily played with a melody, until he landed on something with a face, a figure that called for him to follow, and his left hand filled out chords, the melody in his right hand coaxing a harmony between his hands, till the piece was filled and standing before him, dancing and laughing in full picture.

He was no longer playing, he was writing, he was painting, wrists on puppet strings and pulled in a waltz he was not leading. Before he could stop himself, his soul floated from his chest and his eyes closed, as she led him somewhere only she could and he had but to follow, and–

“Hot damn, look at those beauties.”

The key slipped flat and Jeongin snapped his eyes open. He scowled at Seungmin, standing just over his shoulder, and looked down at his hands to try and find himself again. Herself. It. The music.  

He slipped back into the proper key, and doubled his bass note, before remembering the harmony and stretching his left hand–

“Aw, are you kidding?” Jisu groaned, throwing herself over the top of the piano, pouting, “What do you mean you can stretch far more than an octave?”

Jeongin blinked. He hadn't really noticed. It sort of… happened when one grew into their bones on the piano.

“Ridiculous, isn't it,” Seungmin muttered, crossing his arms, “Well, go on. Don't stop on our account.”

It was hard to push aside the heat in his face, but Jeongin huffed and tried his best. Even as Haewon squated to the left side of the keys, eyes wide and just over the keyblock, a pathetic whimpering noise coming out of her.

Jeongin's hands immediately leapt from the keys– “What was that?! ”

Her eyes got impossibly rounder and bigger, playing with the joints of her own fingers, and Jisu snickered as Haewon quickly squeaked, “What was what! Nothing!”

Jeongin shoved her straight between the eyes till she fell on her bum with an oomph ! His hands lost as they reached for the keys again, muttering something about “stupid dongsaengs, stupid, idiot, stupid–”

“What are we gathered about?” Jihyo peered around them all, “Were we going to play together? Did no one tell me?”

“No, noona,” Seungmin quickly stopped her questioning, still staring over Jeongin's shoulder, “We're admiring Innie's phalanges.”

Nayeon made a dramatically confused sound, until Haewon and Jisu held up their hands and wiggled their fingers, and then she made a rather lewd sound that made Jeongin bang out a more hymn-like progression to cleanse his siblings’ minds.

“Oh, Innie, don't be like that~” Nayeon sing-songed, “Your girlfriend will love you, aegi!”

And just like that, Jeongin slammed the fallboard down, and buried his face in his hands.

“Gross.” He mumbled, which clearly his noona didn't mind, because she laughed all the more freely.

“Oh!” Lily popped her face out from down the hall, “Is he done! I have a piece I want to iron out, can I–”

“No, no, no,” Seungmin reached over Jeongin, practically engulfing him as he lifted the fallboard back up and took his brother's hands by the wrists and pushed them towards the keys, “He's only getting started. We were watching a dance, keep going Jeongin-ah.”

“A dance?” Lily skipped into the room confused, especially as Jisu joined Haewon on the ground, rolling in laughter as Nayeon started whispering something to them, “What dance! We don't dance in here, do we? Innie oppa hates dancing while we watch, doesn't he?”

“ Yes,” Jeongin gritted out, “ He does .”

“Nonsense,” Jihyo dismissed them all, kicking Nayeon to get her to behave, “Don't listen to them, aegi, finish your piece, it was coming along quite lovely.”

“She.” 

They all turned to Seungmin and Jeongin turned beet red as he felt his hyung's face break into a wicked smile.

“His muse. She.”

And Nayeon could not be stopped, her eyebrows flying up, before she burst in a laughter so amused she could barely get a sound out, her younger sisters barely able to hold themselves together, collapsing themselves on top of her. Even Seungmin was hardly hiding his snickering behind Jeongin.

“Perverts! You're all perverts!”

“That's your brother, unnie!”

“Well not him, ew, but like, his girlfriend though~”

They only stopped when Younghyun's office door slammed open and he huffed into the music room, headset hung around his neck, and zero tolerance for his dongsaengs, quickly discerning what injustice was occuring.

“Okay, that's enough. Especially from you,” he stooped down to pluck Nayeon from the floor by her elbow, indifferent to her whining as he turned back to Innie, “Leave the poor boy alone. Go ahead Innie, don't let them bother you, it was lovely, keep going. I might want that on recording if you finish it, hm?”

Jeongin's blush turned an entirely different shade of embarrassment as his siblings filed out, “Sure, hyung.”

He pretended to ignore Seungmin's mischievous eyes as he trailed behind their sisters, taking Lily by the wrist as she twisted back–

“Tell me when you're done, maybe you can help me with the music I wrote!”

“Yeah, Lily-ah…”

And then it was quiet.

Taking a long slow breath, Jeongin stretched his fingers over the keys, letting it all soak out from his bones and again, and drip down to his fingertips, so when they grazed the keys–

– there!

His hands ghosted over the music, and she led him again, around and down and into the story, and he was lost , his hands leaving footsteps of his meandering path.

And this place was Jeongin's, and only Jeongin's.

Chapter Text

Chan smiles as Jisung lets out the biggest yawn when he’s gingerly placed in his carseat. 

He’s all groggy and sleepy still, having been rolled out of his bed and into the car in a quiet and seamless trip, and Chan waits for him to settle again before buckling and tightening his chest straps. His cheek is squished against the seatbelt, and he’s drooling before Chan closes the door. 

“Still asleep?”

Chan hums with a chuckle, and then looks over to where Minho is loading his car; Felix in a car seat similar to Jisung, head thrown back and mouth wide open, while Jeongin sucked on his thumb while staring at them, owlishly. He might be sleeping with his eyes open, Chan thinks, as he tries to smile and the boy doesn’t do so much as blink– very slowly, and very much without a single thought behind his eyes. Minho huffs at him after he finishes with the buckles, and properly unnerved, places a hand over his son’s eyes. 

“ Stop freaking your uncle out, ” he mumbles, and then removes his hand. 

To both their surprise, Jeongin’s eyes are closed, and he seems quite a bit deeper in his sleep. 

“Well, damn , Minho,” Chan chuckles, and Minho snickers along. Until Ryujin whines from the middle seat, trying to turn away from them to her side, only to be restricted by her car seat, causing her to toss and turn herself awake and realize–

“... Out , appa.”

Minho is quick, he snags her favorite pacifier, one that they had long talked about retiring but saved for emergency moments like these, and stuffs it in her mouth, running a hand down through her bangs, and shushing her back to sleep. She only goes back to sleep with an indignant frown dimpling her forehead that, try as he might, Minho cannot smooth out. 

Triumphantly, Minho puts his hands on his hips, all three kids properly tuckered out, and closes the door with a bit too much gusto, realizing a moment too late when–

“... appa…?”

Minho facepalms and groans as the sniffles turn into proper crying from inside his SUV, taking a deep steadying breath before opening the car door and starting all over.

Chan is not jealous of his brother. Not even when Hyunjin stretches out of his booster seat, flinging his activity book past Jisung’s sleeping face, declaring far too loudly–

“Appa. Appa, I finished mine already! Appa , appa, appa –”

“Tch, sh-sh-sh!” Chan takes the book and pushes him back, “Hyunjin-ah, you have another don't you, hm? I told you to save some new ones for the trip, I know I did, where's the new ones I bought you?”

Hyunjin huffs and points to the seat behind him, where Yeji is flipping through the pages of his book. 

Chan had put her back there as one of the more responsible of his children. The glint in her eyes as she looks back at him clearly betrays her abuse of that power. 

With a sigh, Chan looks at Hyunjin, who'd been adamant about not giving Yeji a whole backseat to herself when there were so many of them, and Chan finds himself nodding, folding down the middle seat and letting his son take his booster seat to the back.

“Hey!” Yeji whisper-screams, “Stay on your side, this is my side!”

“Right down the middle,” Hyunjin whisper-screams back as he lays his books as a barrier, “ That side is yours and this is mine, and we pass the books we share like this .”

“Ugh, fine! ”

Shaking his head, Chan doesn't even notice the little girl peeking in to watch the twins banter until Jisu is standing right next to him and he nearly trips over her.

“Oh. Jisu-ah.”

“Hi, Uncle Chan!” she peers in and waves at her cousins with a bright smile. Yeji pauses her fight for a moment to wave back– a moment too long for Hyunjin to tug the end of her hair and them to settle territorial disputes once more.

“Hi,” Chan squints at Jisu and her neat headband and proper backpack, “uh… where’s your appa?”

Jisu shrugs, clearly not able to care any less as she peers into the minivan and lets out a long suffering sigh. 

“I wish we had a big car too.”

On cue, Changbin scrambles from around the van like a chicken with his head cut off, hoisting Jisu off the ground with hands beneath her armpits, face red and apologetic as he flies her over to his little silver car parked behind the van. Seungmin is standing there politely, glasses on his nose, matching backpack strapped to him. 

Through the window, Chan glances at Chaeryeong, staring at them with round eyes, thumb in her mouth. Chan tries waving to them. Seungmin waves back before running around the car to take his seat by the other window after Jisu is wrestled into the middle seat. Chaeryeong just stares. When Chan tries to smile and wave more insistently, she pouts and turns away, tugging on Jisu’s sleeve until she leans close enough for her to snuggle her face into her arm. 

They looked all prim and proper and dignified looking, right until Changbin slid into the driver's seat and closed his door– at which point Seungmin begins bellowing, mouth round and wide open, and they all rose into arms and uproar, screaming and yelling like a band of monkeys. 

There was something about the radio or the air conditioning, Chan can't really make out anything besides how amusing Changbin's barely contained sanity looks with both hands on the steering wheel looking out at them desperately. Minho wheezes at him and that immediately makes Changbin drop his hand onto the steering wheel between his hands as his kids continue screaming.

Chan shakes his head. Changbin’s kids took after him in all their mischief. 

Seeing everyone properly in place, Chan finally walks back to the house, to the littlest car seat that they’d left on the porch, a little newborn bundled and sleeping. He adjusts her little blanket to fit snugly around her, and unable to help himself, leans to kiss the soft skin of her head. 

“ Alright Yuna-yah ,” he whispers, “Ready?”

With everyone settled, there’s less of a chance she’ll wake up from their bustle, but all the same he leans into his car with a finger over his mouth before clicking her carseat into its place. Yuna’s face remains completely at peace the whole time. 

Now the timer starts. 

Chan quickly settles into his seat and glances over to the car beside him, Minho leaned over his wheel giving him a two finger salute as he gives him a thumbs up. Minho drives back and relays the all-go to Changbin, who pulls out of the driveway first. 

Taking a fortifying breath, Chan adjusts the mirror to capture all of his kids and the rearview window, and then smiles to himself. 

“Grandma’s waiting,” he says quietly, more for himself, but Hyunjin seems to light up from the backseat, like they’re setting off on a grand adventure.

“And we’re off!”

Chapter Text

Chan stands on the edge of the overlook, looking down on the village, at the whole beautiful island he called home, and the ocean surrounding them. The waters glow gold under a setting sun.

A fresh wind brings the adventure straight to him, but it doesn't have the gentle call and beckon it once did– only the heavy reassurance that the world was exactly as it had been and would remain.

In his arms, his little girl lifts an arm to catch the wind between her fingers, eyes full of that wanderlust that had possessed Chan for so many years.

“Do you feel that, Lily-girl?” He whispers, “That's the world I'm giving you. Unexplored oceans and great beasts and greater stories to discover. But not with the dangers I had– no, you'll live a longer life than your ancestors, and hold more joys than they could have imagined. And far less fears,” her hair is wispy against his face and it brushes his cheeks where his skin had become leathered and old, “No, there will be no sorrows like ours for you, Lily-dear. Your papa will take them all for you, hm? I'll carry every single one, I swear it.”

Lily coos, her head resting against Chan's face as the wind and evening light dance in her fingers and keep her whole fascination. She smells of wildflowers and the hearth, and Chan soaks up her wonder like he's been starved of it.

He closes his eyes and imagines his father here, a proud and fierce chieftain who inherited a lifetime of unrest for his people, losing his wife to war and his reputation to dissent, but still stood here, carrying Chan as a small boy to show him their ships coming to dock and all the beauty of their home.

Dragonfire and warhammer to his back, he had protected Chan from it all, and steered the helm for Chan to sail their people into peace.

All of their history, all of their future, it all spirals and pivots onto this very overlook, the village and island below.

It's a heavy thing that rests on Chan's shoulders, and funnels down into his arms.

When he opens his eyes, the sky is alight with stars, the lanterns of the village glowing below, and his little girl has rested her head on his shoulder, sucking her middle two fingers, fast asleep.

Chan hums, a soft smile on his face as he wraps his little girl up in his arms. None of that burden reaches Lily, not yet, and not for as long as Chan can keep it from her.

He kisses her head, “Sleep, Lily-baby. The world is a place full of wonder and adventure for you. Let your papa take care of the rest.”

Then slowly, limping back down the path towards home, he carries her away from that overlook, the stars and breeze cradling Lily in her sleep. 

Chan wonders if his father can see them, and is satisfied with this– that his granddaughter can sleep watching their island from the overlook, and will never sleep in fear of not waking up.

He hopes he does. Because it takes that burden from Chan's back and lightens it, just a little bit.

Chapter Text

“Goodnight, Seungminnie.”

Chan sidesteps and smiles as he leaves the bedroom, Seungmin lightly breathing, eyes closed, tucked under the covers. 

It had been harder and harder to say goodnight, but Chan thinks he’s gotten the perfect bedtime routine– one episode of Bluey with the baby, a shower with the twins, three bedtime books all together while Chan plays with Seungmin’s hair, and two lullabies with just Seungmin while rubbing his back. 

Chan smiles and lingers at the doorway, to the sight of gentle breathing and a blissful face.

His little kiddo is out like a light.

~

Seungmin opens his eyes. 

It’s dark. 

He scrunches himself just a tad more, further into the warm shadow of his covers. 

His eyes flicker to the closet. 

The door. 

The closet again. 

The dark spot under his dresser. 

The door. 

The toy box. 

The closet. 

The closet. 

The closet. 

There’s nothing in the dark, Seungminnie, he plays back his dad’s voice, amused in a way that was almost disbelieving, Appa scared all the monsters away, I promise. 

Seungmin wasn’t a baby. 

He wasn’t like Jisung and Felix, bigger but still too scared of heights, whining and crying when they got scolded for not doing well on their tests. He wasn’t like Jeongin, crying and screaming when he needed something– he wasn’t a baby . 

He was brave. He was big. Dad didn’t ever have to worry about him. 

His eyes glance to the door. He can hear his dad, the floor creaking rhythmically as he walked to his room. 

Then to the dresser, and that dark shadow beneath. 

And the closet. 

The closet. 

Seungmin’s breath catches as the shadow flickers. 

That stupid closet. 

~

It’s almost like clockwork– which is why Chan wakes up before the screaming starts. 

He’s already running, and he’s halfway in the room by the time Seungmin kicks off his blankets and starts punching at nothing. 

It still breaks his heart everytime. 

Seungmin’s face scrunched up protectively, in an anger that armors against fear. 

His body curled up and flailing in defense. 

Warbled crying, in mangled up screams. 

“ Oh, Seungmo– Seungminnie, wake up– Seungmin! ”

His son is lanky, and awkward. He never asks Chan for anything. He argues like he breaths, but he never forgets his “please” and “thank you” and always apologizes before Chan can even think to be angry at him. 

He doesn’t get in trouble at school. Doesn’t act out beyond his age. Doesn’t ask for anything. 

“Shhh, there’s nothing there, Seungmo.”

“But– but I– but there was–”

“Appa promises, appa will take care of the monsters.”

He barely lets Chan hold him– he wraps himself up to hold himself, and Chan has to force his grip to shield him from whatever comes for him in the dark. He rubs his back steadily, and hums deep in his chest, pushing his son’s head towards his heart. 

“....I’m not lying , appa.”

“I know, Seungmin.”

“There’s something in the closet , appa.”

“Not anymore, Seungminnie, I checked.”

“It’ll come back when you go, appa, it always– nevermind .”

Chan’s heart breaks. 

Seungmin always does this– cuts himself off like he thinks Chan will never believe him. Chan’s soul groans, lips and nose to the top of Seungmin’s head as he rocks and sways. Seungmin reluctantly lets himself be held. 

He doesn't sleep.

Chan hears footsteps by the doorway, and turns to shake his head.

“Go back to bed, Felix.”

“But–”

“Go back to bed, baby.”

He tries to be gentle even in his firmness, in a deep-set exhaustion that comes from losing lifetimes of sleep to his middle son's nightmares.

Seungmin is still tense in Chan's arms.

“...’m not a baby.”

Chan turns back to the mumbled grumble behind him. He wants to sigh, but bites back the urge, Seungmin heavy in his arms.

He likes to deal with things one at a time.

“You're not a baby, Felix.”

“ Innie is a baby.”

“That's right, Lix.”

“And Seungmin–”

“I'm NOT a BABY!”

The violence with which Seungmin screams nearly throws Chan off the bed. Seungmin is red-faced, eyes wild at his brother, voice raspy and wild.

For a minute, Chan sees the monster in the closet.

It's right there in Seungmin's eyes.

For several suspended seconds, they stare at Seungmin, chest heaving, eyes blazing, and Chan is scared to even touch him.

Felix is sniffling. “ Wasn't even gonna say that… ”

A second pair of feet patter to the door, “Dad?”

“Jisung, take your brother to bed please.”

“Why is Seungmin–”

“Jisung. Bed.”

As the two pairs of feet scurry away, Seungmin's angry face suddenly melts, and then shatters suddenly as he ducks his head and cowers into himself– as though hiding his face might make the rest of the world stand still for a moment.

Chan's hands hover inches away from the protective ball Seungmin's made him, and his voice escapes him.

“Oh, Seungminnie…”

And like clockwork, a siren cry sounds from the crib in Chan's bedroom, as Jeongin wakes up.

With a groan, Chan curls up into himself too.

Just for a moment, a respite , a taste of peace .

But even gripping himself it chases him all the way down, and shaking, Chan finally stands up from Seungmin's bed.

“Okay. Alright.”

The feeling of his two heart-hurt boys back in their bed, his baby crying, he pushes it all back for a moment.

He swallows hard, and gingerly approaches Seungmin. Again.

“Okay, Seungmo. I'm listening.”

~

Seungmin wasn't always scared of the dark.

There weren't always monsters in the closet.

And Chan wasn't always this close.

It takes Seungmin a moment to realize how hard he's gripping his dad, and a moment more to realize Chan is carrying him, but by the time he does and is mortified by it, he's set down on a duvet in the middle of the floor.

Something rushes at him from the side, and before he realizes it to be scared, Felix topples him over in a hug, Jisung flying over to them with a bedsheet as his wings to cover them.

He doesn't fully understand what they're talking about, he still feels something watching and breathing over his shoulder, but before he can turn towards it, Chan is back again, a sniffling Jeongin on his hip.

“Right then,” Chan smiles, hoisting a snotty nosed, red-cheeked Jeongin on his chest as he leans down next to them before flopping on the ground, “Sleepover it is.”

Jeongin stares at Seungmin and Seungmin stares back.

Seungmin sticks his tongue out.

Jeongin pouts and starts to cry.

Chan, eyes already closed, shushes him in a familiar lullaby, rubbing his back.

While Seungmin watched, hypnotized in the motion, Felix suddenly wraps his arms around his middle and pulled him down.

“ I picked some stuffies as pillows, if we want ,” he whispers, and then giggles like he'd told a good joke.

Beneath the covers, Jisung swings a leg over them both, his foot at Seungmin's hip.

“I tried to bring snacks,” Jisung huffs, “But appa caught me.”

“Boys? We're sleeping.”

“Yes, appa.”

Felix's arms are tight, and Jisung's foot is heavy. Heavy and real. 

Seungmin cranes his neck and checks the shadows.

The doorway.

A claw maybe.

The dressers.

The closet.

Something with a hundred teeth and red eyes.

The toybox.

Waiting for him.

The closet.

Waiting for him.

The closet–

“Seungmin.”

Seungmin turns, and is met with a tuft of Jeongin's fluffy hair. The baby is sleeping, thumb in his mouth, cooing softly with each breath.

From behind him, Chan's hand reaches and brushes Seungmin's ear, his thumb running up and down the shell of it, slowly, over and over.

Warm and gentle. Stroking a buzzing reassurance that travels all the way to Seungmin's toes.

Seungmin's eyes close on their own.

His hands reach for Chan's wrist, next to his cheek, to hold it tight.

Chan's hand on his ear, Jeongin's hair in his face, Jisung's foot on his hip, and Felix's arms on his chest.

Chan's hand.

Jeongin's hair.

Jisung's foot.

Felix's arms.

Chan's hand.

Chan's hand.

Chan's hand.

~

Seungmin's breathing evens out, his face relaxes, and Chan watches the fear evaporate from his body.

It's not a routine, it's not going to be great for Chan's back in the morning, but at this moment, he can't think of anything more sacred and breathtaking than all his boys piled close, huddled on the floor.

It makes his heart ache. In the sort of soaring way that made him weightless, and tired. 

His little kiddo is out like a light.

“Goodnight,” he whispers, eyes heavy as his breath matches his baby's, “ Seungminnie.”

Chapter Text

The day of Jihyo's wedding is nothing short of chaotic bliss.

Eight bridesmaids feels a bit excessive, especially when they're all squeezed into the little suite while she's getting ready, doing their best to be helpful. Flower petals strewn everywhere, bits of ribbon and twine here and there, blush on everyone’s fingertips. It's a lot. 

It’s a lot. 

It’s finally Dahyun who catches it, the misty look in Jihyo’s eyes as her mother comes close and they just stare at each other in the mirror. 

“ Yeorobun! ” She claps her hands and starts shoving them out, Sana first because she’s the one who’ll invariably need to be clawed out if they let her start getting emotional, “Yah, we have to set up by the hall, let’s give the bride some space, come on!”

“ The bride!” Nayeon is wheezing, and then she’s laughing so hard she might be crying, because she’s definitely some sort of hungover, and suddenly she’s draped over a confused Momo who rolls her eyes and drags bodily drags her out, Jeongyeon cacking and taking blackmail pictures for later. 

Tzuyu has all the dogs by their leashes, following and snickering, her own the only well behaved ones: Boo is bolting underfoot to try and follow the scent of Jihyo’s perfume again, and it’s only by his antics that Sana is distracted enough to leave the suite, cooing after him. 

Chaeyoung and Mina blow Jihyo kisses, Chaeyoung even adding a cheeky– “The final minutes as a single woman, unnie!” and then the door is closed and Jihyo is left alone in the realization of it all. 

Dressed in a gown bought for her by the girls.

Shining in her mother's jewelry.

Grasping the ring from her man.

“My girl,” her mom keeps saying, over and over again, “ My girl , my little girl-!”

Which just makes Jihyo sob, the engagement ring sparking and winking up from her finger as she holds her mother’s arm, overcome with so much excitement. 

And then…

~

Chan strains his neck to catch the bridesmaids’ faces as they walk down. They seem to be caught up in some inside joke, balancing between laughing and beaming as they walk down the aisle and look back, and Chan is sure he might understand it too, as they hip check each other, overflowing bouquets in their hands and their blush bursting past their rouge. 

It’s exhilarating– because it’s Jihyo. Company princess, endlessly condescending in the sort of way that they would all be loath to be without, as annoying as it was. And then besides all that was the glowing image of their Twice seniors themselves, bringing their company into a haven from the uncertainty idol life was.

Younghyun leans over his shoulder and sneers, in the same way that Jisung has been standing on his toes with bug eyes, like he hadn’t seen his cousin get married several years ago and had several complaints about the sillier aspects of marriage. 

Everything feels silly and somehow perfectly beautiful. Chaeryeong has already turned around to try and hide that she’s teary, and Changbin has passed her a handkerchief after adequately teasing her. Hyunjin is also teary but he’s trying to hide it and everyone except Felix respects his desire to not be acknowledged for his overly romantic tendencies; Felix is smiling at him and patting his arm empathetically, as only Felix could. Yeji and Jisu are hiding their laughs at him. 

Then Jihyo walks down the aisle. 

Everyone catches their breath. 

It isn’t becoming of Jihyo to be shy, but this is different. This isn’t idol Jihyo, confident on stage and powerful in grabbing attention and holding it with both hands. But this Jihyo isn’t nervous either, she isn’t bashful and shy, she’s simply… starting again . 

This is Jihyo who’s about to become a wife. 

This Jihyo is going to leave them for the next stage of life. 

This Jihyo is new to this. 

And when Chan turns, he sees Sungbin beaming in that same giddy excitement. This great big presence of a man, soft and completely lost to all else that isn’t Jihyo, glowing in her bridal elegance. 

With that awe, Chan turns and he sees the bridesmaids. 

Sana is crying. 

She’s practically sobbing, quietly and reserved to not pull away from Jihyo, and still beaming in complete happiness, but also in something else. 

That realization comes over Chan slowly, and then hits him all at once. 

This is their generation. 

As Jihyo reaches the end of the aisle and turns, Jihyo and Sungbin completely caught up in each other, their whole world reduced to each other's eyes, Chan is overcome with it. 

It’s here. 

Their lives in this next step, it’s… it’s here. 

And it’s so exciting. 

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today–”

“Are you crying ?” Bambam hisses, leaning over as he half-hugs him from behind, “ Dude–! ”

“ Shut up! ” Chan whispers through his teeth, before any of his kids notice, although Chaeryeong has caught him when she turned around to wipe her face again– but at least this makes her laugh enough to finally stop tearing up, so Chan lets it slide. 

When Chan looks up, he looks down at the bridesmaids and groomsmen, dazed and stuck in their golden love. The solemnity and beauty of the ceremony pass quickly, and–

“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss–”

They all drop their faces out of respect, and giggling at each other while Jihyo’s cousins clearly express their pleasure at the two of them kissing for the world to see, and when they look up, the two look out into them all with beaming joy, and they all erupt in celebration as they’re presented for the first time as one. 

It’s loud, and full of celebration that the world outside Jihyo’s family and friends can’t know and understand. 

And then…

~

“Do you think your fandom will be alright with it?” Yeji teases Jeongyeon, “Onces, I mean?”

“They better,” Jeongyeon mocks, and then rolls her eyes, “Better it’s Jihyo first anyway. Everyone loves her. And if they don't she’ll scold them and not care anyway. And then Sana will, and everyone will fall into place. I’m not worried, and neither is Jihyo.”

Yeji hums, “Good, good…” and she tries to swallow questions that are trying to bubble out, about married life and children and the busy schedule that Twice upheld on a train barreling through success. 

“What do you need a man for anyway?!” Nayeon suddenly appears behind her, definitely half-drunk, and somewhere between elation and grief everytime she sees Jihyo, throwing herself over Jeongyeon, “Oh, this is it! We’ve begun to succumb to the perils of patriarchy–”

“What are you blabbering on about,” Jinyoung mumbles, shaking his head as passes them, Bambam wheezing and snapping a blackmail photo, while Younghyung makes an expression that betrays his incredulous amusement at her near-drunken state.

Sungjin takes the moment of chaos to quietly sidle up to Jihyo in a corner of the room while she takes photos with everyone, and give her a hug, “Ah, that little kid your parents trusted me to watch till they got back, she got so big.”

“Oh, don't say that, oppa,” Jihyo jests sweetly, “But then again, I couldn't stay little forever.”

Somi, two glasses of champagne in her hand toasts them up with a wink, “Mother is mothering! And– oop! Soon she'll literally be mothering!”

Which makes Nayeon burst out into tears all over and again and sends the crowd into a laughing uproar.

It brings up several more questions in Yeij, bubbling to the surface at the sight of Twice’s unnie dissolving into tears.

Then Jihyo comes around to greet them and Yeji lets all her questions sink into the ground. Jihyo is full of inner joy, bursting through her. Yeji holds her so tightly. Jihyo holds her even tighter. 

“I’m so happy for you, unnie,” Yeji says honestly, “Congratulations, seriously, wishing you both so much happiness!”

Haewon sneaks up from behind with Lily, and their little greeting turns into a proper crowd that resembles something similar to a fanmeeting if they blur their eyes. 

“Where are you going for your honeymoon!” Haewon blurts out, and then Yuna hisses, “Why would she tell you, stupid?” 

And they giggle thinking of the little vacation the married couple will take, until Jihyo laughs to herself. 

“We’ll take it sometime between the tour– when people least expect it!” She winks and brushes past, and then both Haewon and Yuna assault Tzuyu to try and figure out when a secret honeymoon could be taken while abroad. 

Yeji has no speculations of her own. Jisu sidles up to her and takes her arm, and they both smile at the couple in their own knowing way, knowing it’s sometimes the crazy moments that are captured in joy that become those moments of celebration. The crazy delirious hectic moments that are just traveled together. 

But it seems like Jihyo knows this. 

More than that, she seems like a wise woman who’s mature in looking at life and seeing beyond it. Past the complaints and dreary trudging into the finer things. 

It’s something just beyond the veil, but right there for them to see.

But they see it. 

And Jihyo turns around to celebrate it all with them, so they can see–

– it’s there, and it comes.

And they needn’t be scared of it at all.

Chapter Text

They’re quiet in the car. Felix’s feet are on the dash, Nayeon’s blowing bubbles with her gum, and in the backseat, Yuna turned in her seat to squeeze her legs between the door and her seat, facing the window like she’s watching a movie of the world passing by. To anyone else, they seem the picture of perfectly calm and composed. 

Only between the three of them can they tell how scared they are. 

Yuna's humming a comfort melody on loop, Nayeon’s chewing her gum hard enough to grind bone, and Felix can’t sit still, his toes wiggling ever so slightly. 

All three keep checking behind them. 

“Noona,” Felix grumbles, just to break the silence, “Let me drive.”

Nayeon snorts, “Absolutely not.”

With a huff, Yuna's eye roll can practically be heard from the front. 

“You’re a lousy driver,” Felix whines, “You’ve swerved three times in the past ten minutes!”

“Oh?!” Nayeon’s voice pitches up, “You’re keeping track now? Oh, ok, I see, I’ll remember that the next time you slam my door, officer of traffic regulations, okay, alright, sure!”

Yuna moans , “Here we go again…”

The bickering cuts through the tension and lightens it, even if Nayeon is screaming at decibels hitherto unknown to man, and Felix’s voice cracks and breaks any chance he has to hold a serious facade in trying to keep up with her. It doesn’t matter– after a couple minutes, Yuna is smiling. 

“I will not stand for this slander!” Nayeon declares, “If my driving is so horrible then we know for a fact that your driving is atrocious, because I taught you, you nincompoop!”

Felix voice stops abruptly in stark realization, and the sound of his silence makes the girls break out into laughter, even Yuna in the back, which makes Felix twist around–

“Oh, don’t start you! You’re one of us, you’re a pampered passenger princess too!”

“Hehe, I guess so,” she says without much fight, and from the driver’s seat, Nayeon visibly relaxes. 

Felix smiles at their little sister, the light returning to her eyes comforting, until he looks past her head through the back window and–

“Aw, crap–”

Small mercies that there are, nobody really remembers what happens in the crash itself. 

There’s a lot of screaming, out of every horrible sound, that’s the only thing they hear– each other. When they come to again, the car is overturned, and they’re surrounded by shattered glass. 

Nayeon can’t feel her legs. She looks over and sees Felix’s arm twisted unnaturally under the arm rest, his knees uncomfortably close to his face, but his eyes wide and alive. They both twist back to see Yuna, shaking and gripping the seatbelt where it cuts into her neck. Alive . 

“Hey Yuna-ah,” Nayeon coughs as her voice shakes, lucidity slowly leaving her, “You got that mohawk before Felix did.”

Despite his clear discomfort, Felix picks up on what Nayeon is trying to do, and snorts. 

“Unfair,” he manages to grunt.

They both stay conscious enough to hear Yuna give them a strained laugh.

They don’t stay conscious long enough to see the boots that come for them.

🚨🚨🚨

“Hannah?”

“What?”

“Nevermind.”

Chan stares at the footage and rewinds it, soaking as much as he can from the grainy images as he can while his sister is in the kitchen and can’t bear witness to what Chan chooses to torture himself with. 

It’s a form of masochism. Chan had been too late to the site of the crash– the bodies were gone by the time his team got there. It was a personal pain too, since Chan had been training Felix, and he’d suspected the kid was in more trouble than he let on. 

Because of Nayeon.  

Chan had a long enough history of responding to bar fights she’d incited to know she got into bigger trouble than she could get out of. Last time Chan had tried to sober her up with the fact that her only family were two kids who thought the world of her– it had been the same speech his captain had given him years ago. Chan had thought it had worked for Nayeon, because it had worked on him.

Apparently not. 

“I’m gonna be late for school again.”

Chan slams his laptop shut as Keiju grumbles and throws his backpack on the table. Clicking his tongue, Chan helps him stuff his homework in. 

“You’re not gonna be late,” Chan reassures gently with the same breath he bellows out, “Oi! Hannah!”

“What?!” she throws him an ugly face, towel wrapped around her head, “ Geez , make up your mind, do you need me or not?”

Chan grimaces at the clock, “Keiju would like to get to school not twenty minutes late, if you can help it.”

Dramatically groaning, she turns her ugly expression to him, “Well. I suppose I can walk.”

Keiju gulps, “I wasn’t saying you should–”

“No, no, you can’t be late, of course not. I’ll walk,” she turns to the sleeping german shepherd, “You hearing this Berry? He wants me to walk.”

“I didn’t say that!”

Chan rolls his eyes, “Hannah.”

“Fine, it’s fine! I’ll make the sacrifice, I’ll walk, it’s fine!” she throws her arms up, “Come on Berry, you can walk me. We girls gotta stick together.”

Chan sputters, “You can’t take Berry, we’ve gotta go to work!”

“Then you can pick her up after Prince Keiju gets dropped off!”

Keiju shrinks in on himself, but Chan quickly ruffles his hair, zipping up his backpack and looping it onto his back before he can take it to heart. 

“Ignore her. Must be that time of the month, we’ll get apology chocolate for doing nothing wrong when I pick you up.”

Keiju sneers, and before the door closes, Hannah calls out– “Oi! I heard that!”

🚨🚨🚨

Felix’s head is all fuzzy. 

His feet are a bit numb, and he knows there’s something wrong with his arm, but as soon as he hears the gun cock, he scrambles to position himself in front of his sisters, even as something in his back twinges and sprawls him out.

“Brave,” a man with tattoos across his forehead chuckles, “But that’s not gonna save you.”

Something comes over Felix, fierce and protective, a feeling that's doubled since he's gotten taller than both his sisters. He growls.

“Lix,” Nayeon whispers, pulling him back, “Don’t provoke them.”

Felix snorts, “Little late for that wouldn’t you say.”

“Yah, while we’re alive we might as well–”

“Settle our debts?” Felix laughs bitterly, “ Sure , noona. Let’s settle our debts.”

Nayeon scowls, and rises unsteadily to her feet, favoring her left leg over her right, calling out to the man with the gun– “Hey, leave them alone. Let me talk to–”

The man raises his gun to the ceiling and fires several shots. Nayeon drops to a crouch again with a scream. 

“You’ll shut it, ” the man shouts, “While we wait for our boss to get here, alright? You’ve caused enough trouble already, Im Nayeon.”

Nayeon goes pale. Felix scowls, refusing to look them in the eye. Between them both, Yuna takes a trembling breath of air.

“I don’t wanna die…”

Nayeon and Felix both look at each other and then at her, pull closer to Yuna, keeping their heads dropped to stop aggravating their captors.

“We’re not going to die,” Nayeon says, firmly like it’s gospel truth. 

Felix is above lying. He pulls his baby sister close and rubs her arms, “I don’t want to die either, so let’s just… worry about being alive, alright?”

Then he glares at Nayeon, who bites her lip and shuts up. The three of them wait. Quiet. Biding their time.

🚨🚨🚨

“Yo, oppa.”

“Hannah?”

“Are you on duty yet?”

Chan watches as Keiju reaches the front door of the school, pulling the phone away from his ear to wave, and only bringing it back when Keiju is out of sight. 

“Now I am.”

“Great. Get your butt over to my location, I’ve got something for you.”

Chan takes a deep, annoyed breath, “Your location better be your school, because I swear, Hannah–”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can thank me later, just get over here!”

She hangs up before he can scold her anymore, and drops him a pin on her location– all the way in who-knows-where , definitely away from school, near the woods they had a neighborhood watch on for months. 

Chan grits his teeth as he gets into his car, and it’s only as he starts it up, that he realizes she had asked him whether he was on duty… and his blood goes cold. 

He texts her quickly, Do I need to bring back-up?

Her answer is almost immediate: Oooooh yeah. And your gun. And handcuffs. These dudes look mean.

Growling, he calls dispatch and turns his car around. 

“I swear, of all the little sisters in the world, I had to be given the most reckless, dimwitted–”

To her defense, Chan is grateful she took Berry with her. Hannah is more than dangerous enough, and he knows that when she graduates and decides to join the force, she’ll be a power to be reckoned with– if she had just been anyone else’s baby sister, he could have been more proud. 

For now, he's just glad she has protection.

There are dog prints at the location Hannah has pinned, and Chan follows them through the mud until the forest clears for a little warehouse. Unmarked, unknown, with several sketchy figures outside holding guns half their size. Chan rolls his eyes and pulls his phone out.

Where tf are you. 

If you engaged these guys i swear im disowning you. I’ll bring your corpse back to life just to kill you myself.

While he crouches to assess, waiting for dispatch to send him backup, he takes note of the warehouse– run down, clearly abandoned. A holding block? Hiding hole for gang members?

A gun goes off, followed by demanding barking, and Chan abandons the idea of waiting to the thought of his sister getting massacred by gang members. 

“Hey! Who the hell–!”

The element of surprise earns him an edge, whatever chaos is happening just out of view drawing the guards attention away, and he’s able to sneak closer, until he’s flush against the wall and peering through the window. 

No way.

There, huddled in the corner, Chan makes out the shaking figure of Nayeon, arms crossed as two men hold a gun to her head and scream at her. 

“Where’s the money you promised us, huh?! Where the hell is it?!”

She keeps a stubbornly brave face as she restrains her answers, but Chan can see she’s crying. 

“We’ll keep at it all night,” one of the guard sneers, “And if you still have nothing– well . Your siblings don’t need all their fingers and toes, now do they?”

They slam the door shut behind them and lock it, and as soon as they do, Nayeon curls herself as tight as possible. Chan sighs– and then props open the window. 

“Hey, hey-hey– Nayeon!”

She looks up slowly, and then all at once, “Channie?”

“Yeah, it's me, stupid ,” Chan shakes his head, “Let's get out of this mess, yeah?”

🚨🚨🚨

Felix has no idea who this crazy girl is, but from the sight of her, he thinks he’s definitely going delirious. 

It's definitely the pain in his back– it's made his head all loopy.

The german shepherd that initially bolted through the door bites down hard on the man guarding them, and when he stops screaming to swing around and shoot at her, the girl swings out from around the corner swinging a chair, and clobbers him. 

Still staring at the man, Felix doesn’t realize she’s come to help them until the dog starts licking Yuna's face and making her giggle.

“--ou okay, can you walk? Hey! Help me out here!”

Felix startles as she snaps her fingers in his face, and before he can even piece together that he recognizes her as a little picture in the police lockers, more men yell out and barrel through the door. 

“Time to go,” she says, hauling him up and whistling for her dog to be on attack.

Felix is so out of it. 

His legs are trembling beneath him, and he knows pretty quickly things aren't going to go in their favor with him in this condition.

He pushes over a table to barricade them as he falls.

“Leave me,” he grits out, “Take her and–”

“ No!” Yuna cries, holding his sleeve tight.

The girl scrunches her nose, “Yeah, I'm with pouty. Don't love that plan. Let's do something else.”

With a huff, Felix tries to peer over his shoulder and gives up quickly, “Does your plan involve the cavalry?”

The girl smiles in a sick sort of way that's neither comforting nor helpful.

“Yeah. And a bucket of prayers and swears.”

He has no idea what the hell is going on. 

But he pulls Yuna next to him, taking the gun from the fallen man clobbered by the chair, and fires at their captors as they pour in. The girl with the dog stares at him, clearly impressed, and then laughs to herself. 

“Damn, I knew this would be easy!”

Felix pulls her down as they fire back, “Don’t count your chickens too early. You have back-up? We’re cooked if you don’t have back-up.”

She smiles slyly, “ Oh, I have back-up alright.”

Yuna frowns, “...Like… the dog? Or–?”

Right as Felix is about to second Yuna's thoughts, sirens burst from outside, red and blue lights flooding the warehouse and shadowing the gang members, an intercommed voice blaring out for surrender. Felix pushes Yuna down and keeps his gun focused on anyone who tries to get close. 

A door from the side slams open, and Felix whirls his sights over, target aimed and–

“Wait, Chan?”

The dog runs towards him, barking excitedly. 

The girl collapses in relief, “Oh, thank God.”

Chan cries out, Nayeon propped up against him as they hobble out from the smaller room. Yuna runs out from behind the table, and Nayeon sinks to the ground, holding her and crying. 

Chan holsters his gun and runs towards them, pulling the girl up first by her arm–

“Are you hurt? Did they get you?”

“No, no, agh, stop!” She pushes his pestering off, and when he’s satisfied with his evaluation, his expression melts into something terribly stern.

“Then what were you thinking?! Are you stupid?! Hannah– no, Hannah, look at me, that was incredibly reckless. Stop– l ook at me when I’m talking to you– you could have died, you know that? Do you realize?”

“But I didn’t!”

“It was foolish.” Chan is raging, Felix can see it, it’s the sort of expression he usually saves for criminals, “You endangered both of us by what you did– and the three of them, do you realize that? And Berry, and if things had gone south, Keiju too– do you realize that? I will be in trouble for this, do you understand?”

Hannah is properly quiet, sobered, and Felix is still out of it from his position on the ground.

“Well. I for one am glad she came for us.”

Chan’s eyes snap to Felix, and then his face immediately softens. 

Felix realizes he probably looks worse than he feels. Awful , from the way Chan looks at him so pitifully. 

“Hey, hyung.”

“Hey kid,” Chan shakes his head and then waves his hand over his head as the first responders pour through the door, “ Hey, I need a bus over here. These three kids– look at this one first!”

Felix grumbles, especially as the EMT manhandles him and starts bombarding him with questions he can barely hear. The adrenaline fades, and every movement feels like hell.

But as he fully starts losing it, he sees Chan pull Hannah close, kissing the top of her head and looking far off, like he saw the rest of his life slipping through his hands, hugging her in a grip that was more scared than he would ever admit. 

Felix knows that feeling. 

“Oppa?”

Yuna's voice barely tethers Felix to reality.

“Hey, Lix, you’re going to be alright, hm?” Nayeon’s hand is cold on his forehead, and he leans into her touch, Yuna still holding his hand, “Just hang on.”

He smiles, and then promptly passes out.

🚨🚨🚨

Chan watches quietly from the door, as Felix is propped up in the hospital bed, Yuna tucked under one arm, and Nayeon looping her arm around his shoulders to lean his head on her, while they watch a sappy movie from the hospital television. 

At Chan’s feet, Berry stretches, and then lies down too. 

The special protection detail is somewhat in between a punishment and reward– Chan isn't complaining. Keeping off the heavier cases meant there was no way for Hannah to accidently overhear or get her hands on any details, and until he figured out a better way to hide his work from her, he was thankful for a lighter assignment. 

“Oi. You hungry?”

Chan raises an eyebrow as Hannah walks down the hall, backpack slung over one shoulder, McDonald’s in her other hand, Keiju running up behind her to pet Berry. 

“There’s some respect missing, young lady,” Chan shoves her lightly, taking the burger off her hands, “You both eat?”

“Mhm,” Hannah peers past him, and properly ignores the way Keiju pouts, shaking his head. 

Chan hands him all the fries, winking. The kid destroys the whole carton of them before he’s halfway through his burger.

Hannah rocks on her heels, “They’ll be okay? Felix? And Nayeon and Yuna?”

Chan hums, “Yeah. They will.”

She lets out a long and slow breath, “Good… I’m glad.”

Quietly, Chan finishes the rest of his burger and stares at her, watching as she avoids his gaze and looks at anyone and anything except him. He wants the glare to burn her up, but in the same sentiment, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of chocolates he'd bought from the gift shop downstairs.

“For your mood swings.”

She takes them without looking him in the eye. Keiju giggles, and she swats him over the head.

“And uh, oppa?”

“Mm?”

“I’m sorry, okay? ” she says it quietly, but more sincerely than she usually talks to him, “I won’t do it again.”

Chan smiles. He crumples up the wrapper, and hands it back to her. 

“Sure,” Chan’s eyes twinkle as she looks up at him hesitantly, “But you’re my sister. So. I know how far that’ll go.”

Hannah snorts, “Yeah. All the stupidity? That’s all you.”

Chan loops his arm around her neck as she tries to escape him, laughing, and when they look into the room, Nayeon is holding Felix in the same way. The same apologetic look on her face– but not for Chan, never for Chan, only for her dongsaengs.

And it couldn’t be safer.

Chapter Text

When they're in the basement, life doesn't seem too bad.

Chan had thought that back when he'd first moved down, way back in high school, around when Innie had been born. It was quieter– a cool haven– a sort of peace his mother didn't invade.

Even when Minho and Changbin moved down, and Hyunjin made a sort of studio that was slowly becoming his bedroom in the space between the garage and the boiler room, and they had to be careful not to wake each other when the littles came down for sleepovers and to build pillowforts– even with every single one of his siblings packed down here, life is so much better than up in the main house.

It's one of those rare evenings, when most of them aren’t working or at a sports game or in detention, and their mother has her god-awful guests smoking up the house.

Chan wishes they could sneak out. Climb out through the basement crawl windows, pull up the garage door and slink out, roll the car out before she can notice and spend the day at the arcade till all her friends stumble out and air the house out. It’s a shame Minho has the car right now and his shift at the garage isn’t over.

Felix stretches across the couch until his head is snuggled against Chan's arm.

“Stupid muscle arm is comfy.”

Chan snorts– quietly, because Yuna is fast asleep on his chest, her whole body curled up into itself, cooing softly in her dreams. She doesn't sleep this peacefully when she's in that woman's room all day.

Gently placing his hands around her back to keep her steady, he turns to Felix.

“What about my stupid arms?”

Felix squirms and wiggles, until his cheek is properly smushed against Chan's bicep.

“It's stupid comfy. And stupid big. Stupid. ”

Even as he says it, Chan can feel Felix's smile against his skin, and the way he relaxes into a nap, like a cat finally comfortable in his position.

“That's a no-no word,” Seungmin mischievously peeks his head up, and rests his chin on the edge of the couch.

There’s a snort under the desk in the corner where Jisu is hiding with her crochet basket, “A fake no-no word.”

With his eyes closed, Felix purses his lips, and with gusto, bellows, “ Stupid!”

Chaeryeong gasps across the room where she's building a tower with their collective charging blocks they've donated to her castle endeavour. With wide eyes of horror, she turns to Changbin, who had been helping defend her tower against the more rough and tumble play that had taken over the basement.

“That's a bad word, ” she whispers solemnly, and Changbin, who looks like he's trying very hard to not laugh, nods back just as sincerely.

“Our Chaeryeong is better than her brothers, hm? Much more respectful lips.”

From where he's lounging on top of Changbin, Hyunjin smirks and whispers a much dirtier word into Changbin's ear, which earns him an elbow in the side and a quick tumble to the floor.

Ryujin, who had been stockpiling her own reserve of stackable things to rival Chaeryeong's tower, stood over Hyunjin's fallen form rather menacingly, staring him down a moment longer than comfortable, before taking a deep breath to loudly declare–

“... CUN–”

Like a shadow, Yeji leaps out and clamps her hand over Ryujin's mouth, the momentum causing her to fall on top of Hyunjin, who cries out dramatically. The banshee imitation of a noise earns a pointed snicker from Seungmin, which makes Felix, ever the justice seeker, pull away from his cushion of Chan's arm to pointedly aim his foot to smack Seungmin over the top of the head.

Seungmin gives him three seconds of a stare before pulling him to the ground by his leg. They crash close to Yeji, Hyunjin, and Ryujin's pile, and there's a tugging of limbs and pushing of heads immediately, complete with yells of protest and shrieks of delight.

“And he's down! Man down, man down, they're neck and neck!” Jisung calls from the side.

Ever attracted to chaos, Jeongin screams from where he had been hiding under Changbin's desk watching Jisu work, charging into the pile and throwing himself into it, tugging Seungmin's hair and trying to bite Yeji's arm. Hyunjin scoops him up and pretends to eat him before he can do too much damage, but it only adds to the monstrous mess on the floor.

“And we've got a hand down, a hand down– oh! Three hands out! ” Taking advantage of the chaos, Jisung quickly runs and leapt onto the couch, crashing into Chan's side and making himself comfortable in the heat where Felix had been lounging, sneakily stealing Chan's arm for himself.

The movement wakes Yuna, who nuzzles her nose into Chan's chest and makes the pouting sounds of waking up rather disagreeably.

From the corner where Jisu had nearly finished crocheting her next stuffed animal project, she clicks her tongue and puts her things away, walking to Chan with outstretched arms to relieve him and bounce their baby sister back to contentment.

“You've woken the baby, well done Jisung,” Jisu scolds condescendingly.

Felix perks up from where he's tangled with Seungmin on the floor at the attention being called to the couch, and yells in protest over his spot being taken.

“Yeah, ok, Cheese , you stink,” Jisung mocks Jisu with her least favorite nickname, before turning to Felix and blowing a fat raspberry, just to aggravate him.

Felix screams louder in protest, ready to charge back in defense of his spot, but Yeji wraps him up in a hug and rolls away with a maniacal laugh, landing on top of a disgruntled and unamused Ryujin, and far too close to Chaeryeong, standing guardedly with her arms hovering around her tower in protection.

It's with reluctance that Chan gives up Yuna and the little bubble of peace he had with her, but he smiles at the sight of Jisu sitting next to Changbin on the ground and visibly relaxing holding their baby sister. She’s their little happy bubble they pass between themselves.

Chan finally feels the laziness leave his body, turning to Jisung and wrestling him, “You little stinker!”

Jisung talks big and screams dramatically, but he's all giggles as Chan wraps him up and tickles him into the couch– Jisung knew what he was doing picking his fight with an older brother who'd sooner coddle him to death than truly try and fight him.

Felix looks up with a mix of longing and jealousy for the place that should have been his, and from where Hyunjin has him in a loose chokehold, he almost feels bad for Felix– he's usually the twin to graciously give up what he wants simply because Jisung is louder.

But just as quickly, Felix wiggles his way free and pounces on an unsuspecting, half-asleep Changbin, wriggling under his arm and basking in the amount of “stupid muscle arm” he had to lounge on.

And Hyunjin doesn't feel as bad for him anymore.

“Man,” Hyunjin moans, “Where's my stupid muscle arm to lounge on?”

On cue, the garage door flies open, a backpack flung in the corner, and a whole head of Smug lands itself on Hyunjin's chest, arms behind his head, elbow in Hyunjin's mouth.

“You called?” Minho smiles cheekily.

“No.” Seungmin deadpans from where he's lying on his belly next to them, and it only takes a second of side-eyeing his brother to realize he should have kept his mouth shut, because Minho immediately lunges for his sides and drag him toward them, sandwiching him between himself and Hyunjin with no little glee.

“ Ahhhh , you missed this!” Minho declares loudly, “Don't say you didn't! Right? Right puppy? ”

From Felix's comfortable lounging corner, he giggles at his brother's misfortunes. Between him and the mess pile, Ryujin stood, eyebrows critically wrinkled, her charging blocks tucked under her arm on her hip as she studied her brothers. Minho raised an eyebrow right back.

“Right, Ryujinnie?”

It only took a sly look, and Ryujin burst into smiles for him, nodding in agreement.

“Ryujin, noooo !” Hyunjin cries out, “Don't side with him!”

Minho sneers, “Sock him, Ryudaeng! Sock him , get him!”

With vigor, Ryujin charges, armed with a block, and with equal vigor and horror, Jeongin throws himself on top of Hyunjin's face to protect him.

“ No! ” He shakes his head at his younger sister, “No, don't do that!”

Ryujin stares at him for a moment.

But only a moment, before bonking him at the head with her block and just as quickly running out.

Jeongin blinks at her and then stares at Minho in absolute bewilderment.

Minho shrugs, “It's a dog eat dog world, kid.”

“Minho!”

“Oh, don't ‘Minho’ me, Chan!”

“Cheese!” Jisung bellows for Jisu, “Kick ‘im! Get ‘im!”

She wrinkles her nose, because she’ll be damned before she’s bossed around by any of her brothers– but the ongoing beef she’s had with Minho over him making her walk home from school is aired out sibling business, and no one is surprised when she lands her heel between his shoulder blades. Of course, Minho doesn’t let anything fly, and almost immediately grabs her by the ankle to tug her down. 

“Hey!”

At her screaming, Yuna turns to inspect the chaos, fingers in her mouth, and Minho throws her a cheeky wink, which immediately gets her giggling. 

“This is unfair!” Jisu whines, “You’re bigger than me and my arms are incapacitated!”

“Yeah?” Minho fights back, “Then give someone else the baby!”

“No!”

“Well, not my problem then!”

Changbin bellows as Minho tugs so hard Jisu’s head goes screaming back in whiplash, lunging over to cushion her head before it hits the ground– but in doing so his leg swings around–

–and he knocks over Chaeryeong’s tower from behind.

Everyone freezes as it comes tumbling down. 

“Ooooooh!” Felix jeers, backing up with his hands up, “You're in for it now!”

Chaeryeong looks down at her tower, and then looks around at everyone, her mouth curling into a sad pout trying very hard not to cry or scream, sniffling ever so slightly as she holds it all in.

“Oh…” Changbin gets up carefully, “Ryeong… I’m sorry baby … look, I’ll help you– look, we’ll build it taller, alright?”

Whether Chaeryeong’s bottom lip jutting out or the pure injustice of it all drives them to it, Jeongin suddenly charges Changbin with a yell, immediately climbing his brother till he’s wrapped around his head, Ryujin quickly behind him, smacking her little hand against his shoulder. 

“Hey, wait–!” Changbin tries to wrestle them off, trying to look to whoever is closest, eyes landing on Seungmin, “ Help?! ”

Seungmin stares down at him, expressionless. 

“Looks deserved to me. Dog eats dog.”

Minho cackles, “Oh, I taught him well!”

Changbin’s eyes become saucer-sized, “ I–?! You punk?! ”

Jisu, to her credit, although she had spent the first several minutes reduced to a laughing, wheezing mess with Felix, tries to over an arm to pull Ryujin off by the back of her shirt, but the five year old only twisted her way free and attacked Changbin with renewed vigor. 

Yeji quietly squats next to Chaeryeong, who had taken to staring at the whole brawl from afar. 

“Are you satisfied, Chaeryeongie?” she asks sweetly, “Are you happy they’re beating him up?”

Chaeryeong stares for a moment, nodding as Yeji speaks, but then quickly starts shaking her head when Changbin starts to succumb to the power of two kids on a mission to take him down. Yeji laughs at her.

“Well, then tell them to stop!”

Looking up at Yeji, Chaeryeong takes her hand and keeps shaking her head, like the idea of getting in the middle of the fight was somehow even worse. Even if it sounds so simple when her big sister puts it like that.

“Ryeongie!” Changbin groans, even with Jeongin tucked under one arm and Ryujin hanging from his neck, “Save me!”

When Changbin stands up, Ryujin squeals as she's lifted up, slung on his back, and Felix jumps to try and tug her down, screaming a warcry. Jeongin is held sideways and yells out as his feet hit the wall, and Seungmin quickly runs to sit on Changbin's foot and wrap himself like a sloth around his leg. Chaeryeong stares with her mouth open.

“Godzilla!” Minho screams and points, and Jisu is on the floor laughing again, Hyunjin wheezing at the sight of Jeongin's genuinely petrified face.

“Yeni!” He calls out, pulling his phone to snap a picture, “Where's the monster taking you? Where are you going?!”

“He- eeeeeeelp! ” Jeongin's eyes are round and his expression panicked, “He's gonna eat me!”

Jisu fully rolls onto her back and struggles to breathe, and Yuna, in her arms and shaking from Jisu's amusement, finds herself giggling too.

“He shall not!” Jisung declares from the couch, “Never fear! Your bestest brother will rescue you!”

As he bolts towards Changbin's other leg, loud and fierce, Hyunjin feigns great offense and intercepts him, holding him back by his arms. It's quite the sight– Jisung tugs forward enough with such determination, it feels as though his arms might pop from their sockets. 

“ Best brother?! In your dreams!” Hyunjin tugs him till he falls back on his bum, and then side-steps Changbin to grab Jeongin, holding him upside down, “Haha! See? Who's the best brother now, hm?”

Jeongin groans, “ Godzilla to King Kong …”

Chaeryeong giggles behind her hands, running away from the stomping and rampaging to take the quiet spot next to Chan on the couch. He quickly scoops her into his lap and kisses the top of her head, watching the fight of monsters further amalgamate.

Yeji lunges after Jisung as he tries to slither between Hyunjin's legs, holding him by the ankles and dragging him up onto her back.

“Eyyo, what?!” Jisung screams, eyes bugged and incredulous, “ What sorta–?! What kinda–?! What monster are you?! ”

Jisu snaps her fingers and points excitedly, “Scylla!”

Seungmin frees one arm from holding Changbin's leg to snap his fingers and point back at Jisu, “Nerd!”

He screams when she lunges for his ear.

“Um,” Jisung's voice wavers as Yeji starts spinning him around, his head hovering inches from the ground, “ Help?”

Felix quickly switches tactics, and leaves Ryujin dangling from Changbin– now a little more safely as Changbin uses his free hands to properly hold her up by hooking his hands beneath her legs– to rescue his twin, running straight for Yeji's legs.

Unluckily for him, Minho had been properly forgotten about while he was quietly watching them all fondly. And like a sea monster from the deep, or a venus fly trap coming alive, he suddenly yells and wraps Felix up before he reaches Yeji, pretending to gnaw on his brother's head like an undead zombie.

“ Noooo !” Felix screeches, “I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm alive but I'm dead! ”

Yeji shakes her head and clicks her tongue, standing over him, Jisung's ankles still in her hands and his head dangling near the floor between her legs, “Tch, shame really. Not even a lot of brains in there to satisfy your hunger.”

Minho sighs, “It almost makes his death only half worth it.”

Hyunjin nods solemnly, hiking Jeongin up more securely under his arm, “Indeed. Rest in peace little man.”

“ Hey !”

Yuna gurgles in amusement from where she's fully awake and watching them in Jisu's lap, and Changbin somehow hobbles his way over to pretend to kick Jisung's head like a soccer ball, Seungmin crying out every time Changbin moved his leg, as though he were being propelled to his death. 

Chan is about to open his mouth to comment fondly on their group of monsters and victims, when the basement door suddenly swings open.

“Will you shut up?!”

The door slams shut and all thirteen of them are pindrop silent. Chaeryeong curls up as small as she can into Chan's arms.

They all look at Chan on what to do, their mother's angry stomping echoing through the floorboards.

But Chan only smirks.

“I do believe she said a no-no word.”

Ryujin's smile slowly grows over Changbin's shoulder, “A no-no word?”

From the ground Minho solemnly nods, “I believe the rules are, no-no words means no-no respect.”

Ryujin's smile doubles, toothy and wild, and she suddenly turns her eyes to Hyunjin, “ It does? ”

Realization slowly dawning, Hyunjin puts a hand up to her, quickly dropping Jeongin and trying to defend himself, “Now wait a minute–”

Minho blinks, “Did I miss something?”

“Oh not at all,” Jisu smiles wickedly, “What an enlightening reminder.”

Ryujin jumps off Changbin just as Seungmin unwraps himself from his leg, eyes set on a new set of ankles for his target.

“Hey, hey-hey ,” Jisung taps Yeji's legs, “Put me in, coach! We're about to gang up, c’mon!”

Hyunjin glowers at him, “No you're not!”

Kicking himself free of Minho, Felix laughs menacingly, “Oh yes we are!”

Jisung puckers his lips thoughtfully, “Hm what was it you said earlier? Began with a c, rhymed with… punt?”

“You little–”

“Another one!” Jeongin yells, “Get him, get him!”

“Hey, no wait–!”

Chan smiles fondly as Chaeryeong relaxes, giggling as her siblings take down Hyunjin like a swarm of ants on an apple core. Jisu even runs up with Yuna, who grabs a fistful of Hyunjin's hair for her mouth.

“Ey, Cheese!” Jisung hollers, kicking himself free of Yeji, “Leave some fun for me!”

Even Changbin bellows out like a monster, and lifts Hyunjin up by his knees, the whole tower of children on top of him screaming in delight like they were on some fair ride, 

And really, Chan knows–

“Ow, Seungmin don't bite!”

“ Make me!”

-life isn't so bad when they have each other.

Chapter Text

“If I died would you come to my funeral…”

Hyunjin stopped at the mantle of the study, peering into where Yeji was bundled up in her mother's shawl on his couch, looking away from him, out the window, as she sang.

It had been months since he heard her sing. Not since long before her kidnapping.

“...In the suit that your dad left behind?”

And longer still, since he heard her voice sink into its old country roots, from her old fashioned town of people with centuries woven into their family names. She would hide it for their modern city capabilities, but her folk-voice was the one Hyunjin had met.

The one he had fallen in love with.

“Would you sit at the back acting casual?”

He had been the one out of place in her little rural town, with their odd drinking games and odder dialects, where she was their princess, the daughter of their traditions. Hyunjin couldn’t stay there, not with his grandmother creeping towards her grave, but he’d never thought she’d throw it all away to become someone unfamiliar and strange in his city. 

If she’d died, he would have taken her body back to be buried, and accepted his shame. Her town would have spit at his feet and barely let him see her body, protective around what was left of their darling daughter.

She must've known that, the way she sang.

“Would you stand as my coffin went by?”

The wood of the mantle is heavy against his cheek, as he presses in close to drink up her voice. She's singing to the open world beyond the window– the sunshine, and the grass, and the trees rustling in the summer breeze– but her voice grabs his throat and pulls so fiercely, he feels like he could fall in.

“If I died would you come to my funeral?”

This room could have been very different, Hyunjin realized as he stared at her. Her cold and pale body in a body bag, if they had found her an hour later, and been left with the remains of a young woman beaten and starved to death.

“Would you bring a white rose for my grave?”

Hyunjin had been damn near uncontrollable as it was, when all the police cruisers pulled up to the warehouse and he'd jumped first from the back, anger and anguish mingled in terror. It hadn't been personal or meaningful, just a psychotic madman on a power trip, but sometimes Hyunjin wished it had more intent, so he could pour his guilt somewhere else.

That he could see the bruises on her cheek, and around her neck, that he could hold her wrists and not lose himself in how mangled they were, and know it might as well have been him holding the gun to her head.

“Would you wait for the crowd to leave without you, before you fell to your knees where I lay?”

It had been nothing but Yeji's kindness, in the wrong place at the wrong time. And if she had died, Hyunjin would have fallen into the grave next to her and never gotten up.

“Fiddledeedee oh fiddledeedum…”

Her voice quavered, in a beautiful way where it was hard to sense if it was from emotion or skill slowly reclaiming its place in her throat, and Hyunjin swallowed down a knot in his throat, at the thought of being given back an engagement ring, and living in his parents’ empty home till he was grey and sour.

“I wonder if we hadn't met quite so young, would you be up front in the family row?”

No one else had even known she was missing. No one else but Hyunjin would have noticed until it was several months of decay and she didn't answer her birthday wishes. No one else lived and breathed her– her walk to the preschool she worked, her lunch break at the bakery, her dog eared comic books, and her greasy popcorn bowls–

–and for that he felt owed, as his cheeks became wet, and his knees weak, stumbling into the room, to know whether she was glad to be found or still mourned being lost.

“Well fiddledeedee,” she finally turned away from the window, her eyes glassy but relieved as they found him, a tired but contented smile at the sight of him, at home wrapped in her mother’s shawl on his couch.

“We'll never know.”

Chapter Text

Sana can’t hear anything but the babies crying. 

Toddlers screeching, something getting thrown, and the infant choking on her breath as she wails in absolute anguish.

It’s like her ears are ringing, her head pounding with the sound as it echoes and shakes inside her head, her fingers cold and numb from the feeling, skull bursting with so much pressure tears spill over her. 

She doesn’t even realize her mouth is hanging open in an open sob, until her hangs and she sees that she’s drooled over herself.

Her arms close around her head. 

She screams. 

“Sana?”

She’s properly sobbing and she has no shame about it, not even when Chan’s fingers tug at her hair, or he properly tries to hold her and pry her arms from her face. He’s saying something she can’t hear. 

“I don’t know!” She sobs, “I fed them, I changed diapers, I sang and I played and I put a show on and–and–and I did everything, I tried everything!”

Her whole body is still shaking in absolute grief when Chan gets up and leaves her, and it takes her several more minutes for her to realize the house is as quiet as it is, the loudest thing her own gasping for air that she desperately tries to stuff back into herself and quiet to listen–

Chan is playing the guitar. He’s singing in that soft lullaby tone he used all the time when the kids were in Sana’s womb, and the first few days after they were born. 

Sana holds her breath and can hear Jisung singing along, and a few minutes later, Felix clapping.

She doesn’t want to move. She doesn’t want to break whatever magic spell her husband has cast. 

But her curiosity is raging. 

Soundlessly, she crawls to the nursery door and peeks in. 

The boys lie on either side of Chan, snuggled up in their pjs and holding a stuffie and a blanket, eyes half-closed. Little Lily is sucking on her thumb and playing with her hair, laid on Chan’s legs.

Even though she feels like a ghost looking down, Chan leans over his guitar to catch her eye, and wink. 

“They were half worn out already,” he sing-songs, guitar repeating the chords as the boys started to dose off, “You did all the hard work, really.”

She feels in the depth of her soul that he’s lying. She’s so sure of it she could scream. 

But he peels himself out from beneath the children, putting the baby in the crib and shutting the door to the nursery, and before Sana can blink, they’re eating ice cream on the couch, a sappy movie playing in the background. 

Chan kisses her head and holds her close. 

She doesn’t tell him, but she still can’t hear anything but her babies crying. 

~

Chan's throat is dry. He never really catches his breath after they tell him– because his brain is plastered with the image of Sana’s body being so unrecognizably mangled, he doesn’t have a body to show the kids. 

A terrible tragedy, a drunk driver, so sad!

His body is pulled by puppet strings, his arms and legs heavy weights that drag with his heart. He’s a walking zombie. He’s a tragedy. 

The boys are none the wiser, except that they understand something sad has happened, and they tire out quickly from everyone giving them well wishes. 

He wonders if a part of their brains have been locked out.

He remembers thinking the same thing the first time this happened. 

The first time? Chan’s throat is like sandpaper as they lower Sana’s casket and the thought hits him between the forehead, How can I be able to say that, how–

It had been different then, he tries to remind himself, he tries to grasp it like he grasps Lily between his arms to have something to keep his shivering soul warm, right up against his chest. 

He didn’t have Momo’s body either. 

The last image of her he had, was her sobbing and screaming on their porch, refusing to look her sons in the eye– only babies in Chan’s arm– while Sana tried to hold her friend and tell her to go to rehab. Chan still didn’t know if she was drunk or high off her rocker that night. 

He never wanted to know. 

Now he does. 

Because he looks at the ground, where the woman he had loved with all his life had loved him enough to take his mistakes and grief and own them as her own. And he realizes the last image of her he has that’s real, is also her sobbing her heart out at being unable to comfort her children. 

And that will forever be Chan’s burden to bear.

~

“You’re grieving, Chan, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“It’s more than that, Mina, it’s– well, I don’t know what it is. I’m sorry to dump on you like that, she was your friend too, it’s not fair to you.”

Mina’s heart twists uncomfortably. There’s a certain history Chan simply isn’t privy to, before they all went to university together. Back in their private girls school, where three girls roomed together and finished each others’ homework, and stayed up late gossiping. 

Of a tragic falling out at the edge of university, where Mina’s parents pulled her from parties and bad class acts so she could make the dean’s list, while Sana plunged herself into the mud to try and pull their friend out, only to come back with Chan instead. 

It’s a private sin, when Mina wonders whether distancing herself from Momo like she did led to her friend’s death. Just like she’ll wonder if her private heartache over losing years with Sana led to her death too.

So she just smiles a tight and polite line, and shares coffee with Chan the morning after the funeral, before taking a plane back to her grandmother’s house. 

She shouldn’t have kept contact. Maybe it was bad luck for both of them, but Chan’s friends were busy carrying on with life while Chan was stuck in a ruined portrait of his family– the twins getting into more trouble than they could dig out of, Lily smarter than Chan knew what to do with, and Mina’s guilt is a ball and chain around her neck that opens her door to let him come rest, in hopes that Sana and Momo’s ghosts might rest with him. 

She’s foolish. She tells herself this and she believes it. Especially when Chan is driving out to visit the town he and Sana had honeymooned, and she’s got Lily asleep on her chest, a boy leaned up against each arm, Snoopy flying his red doghouse into dogfights on her television. Her eyes are watery as Lily snuggles her head up beneath Mina’s chin. Felix wiggles his head until it’s tucked in the space next to her heart, and Jisung finally stops pretending he’s watching the movie to sit up and look at Mina. 

“Would you be our mom? If we asked dad?”

It’s so nonchalant, like they could ask for her like they asked for a dog. Mina wishes she could correct them, that she could set them straight and send them home, but Chan comes back at that moment, a shadow his kids haven’t noticed in the corner, and his eyes are shocked, staring at the carpet. 

And her heart is a twisted mangled thing that can’t answer. 

It takes another year of wordlessness. And even then, Chan begs her to love someone else, because he’s a curse on everything he touches– but Lily is wrapped around her leg, her yellow jacket matching Mina’s heels, and Mina is indignant for them, because if he truly believes that, than someone needs to prove him wrong for his children who hug him so tightly and depend on him to hold up the world for him. 

She waits because her mother told her to value herself enough to wait for a man to look at her like she holds the stars before marrying him. 

When he proposes, Mina sees that fire of a light behind his eyes. 

When she walks the aisle, it is the first time Sana and Momo don't haunt them. 

Not even in the eyes of their sons and daughter. 

Maybe Mina should have been content with that– their little family of five, and their suburban utopia, and life as they mended it back together. 

Maybe Mina shouldn’t have dug into the part of herself that was jealous and selfish and wanted to dig her claws into the part of Chan that was raw and barely healed over, to take something for herself. 

When she does she keeps her hands over it like she could hoard this treasure for herself, and tries not to listen as Chan’s breath catches, before he puts his hands over hers. 

“Are we still grieving Chan?”

“No… no, we’re celebrating, Minari-love.”

~

Amaru is born with round rosy cheeks and a loud laugh at everything his siblings do. 

Chan looks at him and thinks he must be a blessing and reward for everything they’ve gone through, especially when Mina holds their four kids in her arms and looks at Chan like she’s got all the stars in the universe with her. 

It feels like he can finally breathe again. 

Like he can dare to breathe and close his eyes, and instead think of sending Jisung and Felix overseas to see the world, and Lily to university where she can prove to them all how smart she is, and watch Amaru walk the stage and graduate–

He dares so much, Mina is pregnant again before it hits them. 

Just checking labs, just being diligent–

Just a couple of scans, just to be sure–

Just a little growth we need to monitor--

Mina’s stomach is big enough for Lily and Amaru to rest their heads on her when they get the diagnosis, and Jisung and Felix are big enough to cry when they hear it. Chan isn’t sure if it’s because they’re old enough to feel the grief as it slams their parents in the head or they truly wrap their head around the world “terminal.”

It’s too much for him either way, they leave the kids with Mina’s grandmother and drive to the seaside where they honeymooned. 

They’re quiet, washed under the sound of the waves hitting the cliffs. 

Mina’s hand is constantly moving on her stomach. 

“Kyujin isn’t as anxious here,” she whispers, “She’s quiet. Happy.”

Chan looks at her past the tears in his eyes and tries not to choke, “Maybe because her mom isn’t as anxious here.”

Mina’s lips curl into a pout she tries to fight. 

“I– I’m sorry, Chan–”

He pulls her into his arms, pushing his own grief down to settle hers, “No, no don’t, why? You have no reason to be–”

“I wanted you to be happy, I wanted us to be happy, but I just– I just–” she gasps in her sobs, and forces him to look at her, “You must not take this as a curse, do you hear me? This isn’t because I loved you, this isn’t because you took me as your own, this would’ve happened if we were together or apart and I– I’m only sorry that I had to bring more sorrow to your family, I’m so sorry, Chan I’m so–”

Chan pushes it all down. He pushes all his woeful and pitiful existence into a chest and locks it up, so he can hold all of hers. 

Kyujin is born barely the size of Chan’s hand. 

Mina’s arms are thin and snappable when she holds her. 

She lives for one month, puffy and unrecognizable on steroids before she dies. 

Chan refuses to let the kids see her. 

He refuses to let anyone but himself bear that– because he needs to see Mina, needs to see her when her breath becomes air, and needs her to see him smiling so she can rest without thinking she’s added anything but joy to his life. 

Mina’s grandmother keeps the children– holds little Kyujin, giving the twins a turn to hold her, sitting Lily up and showing her how to prepare a baby bottle, teaching toddling Amaru what it means to be an older brother, while Chan sees every aching quivering breath leave his bride’s body.

In that moment when Mina leaves and he’s alone in the hospital room, he breaks apart. 

His life leaves his limbs, and his soul is torn from his chest, and he aches and cracks and tears himself apart from inside out in his sorrow. 

Then he picks himself up, leaves the room, and locks his heart up again for his kids. 

There’s a fire that burns in the back of his mind, a neverending fever that rages all night and in every horrible moment, his hands shaking with it when he brushes their hair, his eyes blinded by it when they show him their schoolwork.

And he knows, despite what Mina had wished, that he’s cursed. 

~

“Appa? Can you sing me a song?”

The house is warm, and bright, and the sound of the sea echoes through the halls. 

It’s Kyujin who asks him, pigtails bouncing as she leans on his knees to beg, but it’s Jisung who immediately runs to grab the guitar. There’s a desperation as his son holds out the guitar, something raw and bleeding in his eyes. 

Felix bites his lip as he watches their father hesitate to take the guitar– bites it so hard he tastes blood. 

Lily doesn’t even notice, immediately jumping up before sitting at his feet. 

“What will we sing, appa! Oh we haven’t sung in so long–”

Jisung sits next to Felix to keep him from leaping forward and clamping a hand over Lily’s mouth for letting her words tumble out as carelessly as they do. She has a skill they haven’t learned yet, for keeping herself flying just above the weighty things to be a strong anchor to pull them out with her. 

Amaru is still at the other end of the room, watching them. 

Frozen, as Chan’s fingers strum over one chord. And then another. 

His voice shakes, “What… what do my aegis want to hear?”

But then when Chan starts singing, he’s pulled like a puppet with strings straight to his heart, and stands right next to Chan’s leg, mesmerized, hypnotized, and absolutely spellbound. 

Kyujin screeches and bounds to her feet, jumping and spinning, and singing along, her joy pulling Lily up, the two of them dancing in a circle as their father sings. 

Jisung squeezes Felix’s hand, and that’s all Felix needs to join them. So Jisung goes to take Amaru’s hand, to pull him away, and try not to think of those days in a smaller nursery, where Chan sang this lullaby to get them to stop crying, as he sings it now to make himself cry. 

Kyujin steps on Felix’s feet to dance with him, and then Jisung’s, and then laughs and spins herself back to Chan to take his hand. 

“Appa,” she smiles a wide, gummy joy that will always catch her father in delight, “Dance with me!”

The house is warm, and bright, and wrapped within themselves, under hard-woven love, Chan can’t hear himself think about his curses and grief. 

He can’t see anything but his children’s joy. 

And they can’t see anything but him.