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Chapter Text

“Cheng Xiaoshi!”

Lu Guang was only turned around for a second. Just a second. He should’ve known better than anyone else that anything can happen in a second.

Cheng Xiaoshi’s body hit the floor with a thud. Lu Guang immediately rushed to him, collapsing right down next to him. He carefully pulled his body towards him, resting his head in his lap before carefully turning him.

It wasn’t the first or the last time it would happen. Just a few more minutes—just a few more minutes and it’d be something they’d talk about. Cheng Xiaoshi would brush it off and Lu Guang would stay continuously worried as he always was.

That’s how it was supposed to be, that was their new normal. Then the sudden realization that he was struggling to breathe had panic wash over him. Lu Guang was faced yet again with another unknown he couldn’t control.

“Qiao Ling—Qiao Ling!” He screamed. His voice echoed in the hollow photo studio they called home. Not much filled the room—not yet anyway.

“Lu Guang? What happen—“the sentence was cut off with a gasp.

“Ambulance,” was all he replied. Qiao Ling ran out of the room to get her phone. Lu Guang stayed with Cheng Xiaoshi until the ambulance arrived.

In this timeline, Cheng Xiaoshi was in a car crash. It completely diverted into something Lu Guang had never seen in the previous dives. Thankfully, Cheng Xiaoshi wasn’t badly injured. He did suffer a head injury….

“His head injury left him with mild retrograde amnesia and constant seizures correct?”

“Yes.” Qiao Ling twiddled her thumbs as she listened to the doctor. “Is he alright?”

The doctor sighed. “He is currently fine, but if he has seizures like this constantly in the future, it would be difficult to treat in time and could be potentially fatal—“

‘Fatal.’

The words echoed in his mind. Was this all for not?

“But, we would like to extend a potential solution. I am assuming you are his family, correct?” The doctor asked with a smile.

Qiao Ling thought for a moment. “Yes, I am his family.”

“Wonderful. This treatment isn’t certified to work, but we are confident that it would reduce his seizures.”

“…what would the treatment consist of?”

“Surgery, simply taking a thing or two from the temporal lobe and…”

Lu Guang’s ears drowned out the doctor's words. His world was out of sight and he was trembling at the thought of losing it once again. He chewed his thumbnail raw.

Words like hippocampus, experimental, and a whole lot of medical terms were said but not absorbed.

“Where do I consent?” Qiao Ling asked with a shaky voice, alerting Lu Guang.

“Qiao Ling?” He was in disbelief.

“I know—I don’t want to do it either…but Cheng Xiaoshi, I can tell he’s suffering. I don’t want to take things out of his brain! I don’t—truly! But if it improves his quality of life, wouldn’t it be worth a shot?” Her eyes were pleading.

They weren’t pleading for consent. They were pleading for confirmation, that she was indeed making the right choice. Sweat ran down his neck as his heart thumbed.

Ever since the accident, Cheng Xiaoshi struggled with frequent seizures. They had started as rare and soon began to make their way into their day-to-day lives. Every time Cheng Xiaoshi got up, his eyes looked different. Like he was burdening Qiao Ling and him.

Lu Guang took a deep breath. “It’s, worth a try.” Qiao Ling sighed and the doctor smiled.

“Please follow me, we’ll get the paperwork sorted immediately.”

A week of recovery went by and finally, and finally, Cheng Xiaoshi was ready to speak with visitors.

“How do you feel Cheng Xiaoshi?” Qiao Ling’s voice was quiet and nervous. She ruffled his hair with care.

“I’m okay? Did something happen?” Cheng Xiaoshi replied. Qiao Ling looked at him wide-eyed.

“Don’t you remember what happened?”

He shook his head. “No? Can you explain? Also, who’s this white-haired guy you’re with?” His figure pointed at Lu Guang.

And Lu Guang’s heart sank.

Cheng Xiaoshi looked at him curiously before smiling. “Your friend?”

“Our friend,” Qiao Ling said. “Your best friend.”

His eyes sparkled just a bit. “I have a friend other than you? A best friend? Wait when did that happen?”

Qiao Ling looked at Lu Guang. It was obvious he was a bit hurt, but with the front, he was putting on, she couldn’t quite tell how devastated Lu Guang was.

“Qiao Ling…I’ll go get the doctor,” Lu Guang said softly before getting up to leave the room. A tug on his sleeve pulled him back.

“What’s your name?” Cheng Xiaoshi asked.

“Lu Guang.”

“I’ll see you later, Lu Guang.” Cheng Xiaoshi gave him a warm smile. It alleviated the weight in his heart to some degree.

A couple of ticks on the clock indicated the lost few minutes. Lu Guang entered the room with the doctor.

The doctor introduced himself and began asking questions, eventually taking out a light to check Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes.

“Is the white-haired man a student?” Cheng Xiaoshi asked. Qiao Ling whipped her head around, looking at him wide-eyed.

“Cheng Xiaoshi, you don’t remember Lu Guang?”

“You know him? Did we go to school together? He looks a little familiar…” Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes were fixated on Lu Guang.

“He introduced himself a few minutes ago…” Qiao Ling muttered, piquing the doctor’s interest.

“I think we need to keep him here for a bit longer for observation.”

Chapter Text

Anterograde amnesia. Cheng Xiaoshi was diagnosed with anterograde amnesia. He couldn’t make new memories for fucks sake.

Thankfully, after getting off his previous meds, his retrograde amnesia slowly disappeared, and most of his previous memories returned.

Qiao Ling, school, fixing up the studio, the car crash, his seizures, and Lu Guang. Cheng Xiaoshi remembered him, remembered they were friends…that was enough for him. Or so he thought.

“Lu Guang? When did you wake up?” Cheng Xiaoshi was coming down the stairs and his eyes wandered to him sitting on the couch with a book in hand.

“Cheng Xiaoshi, it is 1:45 in the afternoon, far past morning. We’ve been up for a while now.” Lu Guang said patiently.

“Oh jeez, where did the time go…,” Cheng Xiaoshi mumbled.

It had been his third or even fourth time telling him something similar within the past two hours. Lu Guang was a patient man, it was tested time and time again when it came to Cheng Xiaoshi. But this, this was particularly frustrating.

It wasn’t new for him to repeat something over and over and over again just for a Cheng Xiaoshi to not listen, yet something about the scenario wore him down.

“Anyway, did you have lunch? I can make us something.” Cheng Xiaoshi had pointed at their tiny kitchen. It’s not like they had many ingredients, lunch would end up being cup ramen as it usually was.

“No I didn’t, lunch would be nice,” was all Lu Guang replied. Cheng Xiaoshi gave him a smirk, he would’ve made them food anyway.

“I’ll be right back.” He left the living room to start on their lunch. Lu Guang waited for his footsteps to disappear before he put the book down and got up. With light feet, he snuck to their tiny kitchen, barely poking his head out to see what Cheng Xiaoshi was doing.

Of course, he was a grown man. He didn’t need supervision to make cup ramen, but Lu Guang couldn’t help it. He was worried. He was always worried about Cheng Xiaoshi.

Cheng Xiaoshi made the ramen effortlessly. He then took a life out of the fridge, cutting it in half and squeezing both halves into one of the cups. Just how Lu Guang liked it.

When he was finished, Lu Guang went back to the living room and picked up his book once more, pretending he had never left the room in the first place. Cheng Xiaoshi came into the living room with both cups and a smile.

“Finally done with lunch?” Lu Guang asked.

“Yeah..lunch.” The subtle change in his voice stuck out to him.

Cheng Xiaoshi has forgotten once again. Another memory lost.

Surprisingly, Cheng Xiaoshi handed him the cup that had the familiar smell he loved. Somehow he had managed to give him the correct cup.

“Thank you.” Cheng Xiaoshi sat beside him with a sigh, mixing the noodles with his chopsticks. Lu Guang looked over at his cup, the broth surprisingly not being a dull red.

“Did you forget your hot sauce?” Lu Guang asked. Cheng Xiaoshi cocked an eyebrow before looking down.

“Ha…I guess I did…” He laughed awkwardly. Lu Guang immediately got up, retrieving his favorite hot sauce. It seemed no matter the timeline, the sauce was always in the fridge.

“Aw! Guang Guang got me my sauce, how thoughtful!”

“Tch—“ Lu Guang handed him the bottle with an annoyed look before turning to eat his noodles. He stayed more focused on his noodles than Cheng Xiaoshi.

He probably should’ve paid a little more attention to Cheng Xiaoshi. His normally dull red broth looked like it was pure red 40 dye.

“Gah! Why is it so spicy?” Cheng Xiaoshi cried, some of the noodles falling from his mouth. He winced and Lu Guang turned to him with a napkin, blotting his lips to get rid of the broth splatters. Cheng Xiaoshi flushed a bit.

“You put too much hot sauce.”

“I couldn’t have, I put exactly 8 shakes, like I always do!”

He had forgotten again.

An hour later Cheng Xiaoshi was glued to the couch as he groaned. “My stomach is on fire—am I dying?”

“No, you’re not dying.”

He had forgotten he had a particularly spicy lunch.

“What time is it—“

“Just take my watch.” Lu Guang took it off and fastened it around Cheng Xiaoshi’s wrist.

“W-wait it’s okay I don’t—“

“Take it. I trust you with it. You need it more than me.” Cheng Xiaoshi looked a bit confused when he uttered the last sentence. But he just couldn’t refuse.

“Thank you Lu Guang…” Cheng Xiaoshi gave him a goofy smile, and Lu Guang gave him one back.

Nonetheless, a watch was a watch. Only meant to keep track of time. His memory still failed him. It was a consistent pattern, once something else came to his mind, whatever he remembered went out the window, never to be seen again. But it wasn’t the worst, he wasn’t suffering. Lu Guang could’ve lived with that until new problems started to arise.

He constantly got injured. The last straw was when he went into the wrong alley. The famously known alley you never want to go down at night unless you want to get robbed. Of course, he never had anything of value other than his phone.

It had only become that more recently, Cheng Xiaoshi couldn’t remember that. It was Qiao Ling and Lu Guang’s fault for letting him go out alone.

He went into the alley, which used to be his go-to shortcut back to the studio as a kid. Robber pointed a knife at him—but thank god—if there was one thing Cheng Xiaoshi had remembered—it was how to fight.

He came out wounded but alive. A few stitches on the side of his thigh and forearm, no big deal. Rest and time would heal.

But his memory served as a constant reopener for his wounds. Every time his memory would reset, he’d forget about the stitches, somehow managing to reopen them each time.

So Lu Guang kept an eye on him during the day and made sure he was sitting or not doing anything strenuous. It was working for a while until Cheng Xiaoshi woke up to use the bathroom one night. Forgot there was a box by the bedroom door. One trip and his forearm stitches reopened.

Now Lu Guang kept an eye on him day and night. Maybe he should’ve had him strapped down to the bed. It seemed like something new would happen every week.

Bruised his knee.

Sprained his ankle.

Hey, at least his stitches finally healed, leaving quite a noticeable and frankly unpleasant scar on his thigh and forearm. It was unavoidable for just how many times the wound reopened.

Lu Guang’s last straw was when Cheng Xiaoshi almost fell down the stairs because, at some point, he had forgotten he was going down them. Luckily, he was there to pull him back in time.

He has already seen him take a fall and never get back up in one timeline.

Lu Guang stuck close to him most days. Qiao Ling would come over, most times with a worried face. It was so unlike her.

Reminded Cheng Xiaoshi of when his parents first left him and no one believed they were coming back.

Huh, did they ever come back?

What was Cheng Xiaoshi thinking about again? Actually, when did he start wearing Lu Guang’s watch?

He looked up, eyes landing on the worried Qiao Ling.

“Something wrong, my dearest landlord?” He said, trying to make her smile.

She looked a bit startled, pulling herself together before she replied. “It’s nothing, just uhm, thinking of what I should cut out of my diet.” She flashed him a smile. A poorly done, sad smile.

She was lying, Cheng Xiaoshi knew that much.

But in a couple of minutes, he forgot all about it.

Again, and again, and again….where had the time gone?

It was September. It had been May just yesterday. The time slipped from his fingers, and no trace of time passing remained in his head.

It scared him, a lot. Cheng Xiaoshi felt like he would wake up in the middle of the studio at random points, not remembering what he was doing at all. He’ll try to pick up the pieces and go with the flow, and then it would happen all over again. It was neverending.

And Lu Guang and Qiao Ling.

They looked tired, sad, and regretful. They didn’t show it, but their eyes did. Especially Lu Guang’s growing eye bags and long yawns. The way he shows distress when Cheng Xiaoshi goes down the stairs or handles a knife. His dosing of and constant grumbling stomach.

No matter how many times he had forgotten, the bitter taste and heavyweight remained in his chest. Every time he would forget and wake up, it felt like he was waking up as a burden.

He was burdening Qiao Ling and Lu Guang, there was no doubt about it. The way they seemed tense every time he was in the room with him. Their eyes always followed him. It was all suffocating.

Then he started writing notes. Every couple of memory rewinds he’d find and read them, feeling like shit all over again.

9/10/21 11:35pm

Lu Guang and Qiao Ling are watching me again. They seem so tired and tense. Are they hiding something from me?

9/11/21 11:00pm

I don’t know what’s happening anymore, I’m scared.

9/11/21 11:49pm

I keep finding these notes. I don’t remember writing them. What am I doing?

9/12/21 10:50pm

Am I the problem, what am I doing wrong? Lu Guang, and Qiao Ling, please tell me.

9/12/21 11:28pm

Am I burdening them? I’m sorry Qiao Ling, Lu Guang.

9/12/21 11:42pm

Please forgive me. It’s all too much. I hope this in the slightest, sets all of us free.

9/12/21 11:50pm

I’m sorry. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do this to you anymore. Thank you, Qiao Ling, Lu Guang. Please take your watch back, Lu Guang.

- Cheng Xiaoshi

The watch read 12:05am, September 13th, 2021 when Lu Guang walked into the room.

He had thought things were going well this time around despite the unexpected turn of events.

His knees bucked and he dropped to the floor, eyes never leaving his world. No matter how many times he went through this, he still cried.

Lu Guang didn’t know when he had gotten up. His eyes searched the desk, reading the notes carefully. He wanted to crumple and tear every single one, yet he couldn’t do so. It was the last thing Cheng Xiaoshi wrote.

He picked up the watch and fastened it to his wrist, right back where it should be. A physical representation of his collar and leash that’s holding him down to this never-ending hell. Time.

He sighed, grabbing the photo wedged between the books in the room. His eyes glanced at his lifeless world once more before he clapped.

And then he was gone.