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It was happening again.
Nick had whipped himself into a panic, after a less than ideal phone call with his father, Stephane.
Nick’s father had randomly called him to ask how his uni applications were going, and after some uncomfortable small talk, the boy mentioned that his top choice was the University of Leeds. Stephane, at first, did not seem to have an opinion on the matter, just telling his son to fill out the application to the best of his ability. But Nick, to his own surprise, found himself inquiring further, asking him what he truly thought of his choice. He guessed there was still a part of him that sought his father’s approval. That was his first mistake.
“To be honest, Nicholas, I was expecting you to aim higher. Your mother and I have invested a lot in your education, and I would have thought you’d choose different options. I'm surprised neither of you said anything to me sooner.”
Nick felt his skin heat up, tears prickling in his eyes. How was he still not good enough for him? “But Dad, they have a great rugby team, and–” he had tried to speak firmly, with conviction, but his voice shook.
“Nicholas, you didn’t actually think you were going to pursue rugby professionally, did you? It’s good that you want to continue playing throughout university, but I would have hoped you looked more into the educational programs rather than the recreational ones, and–”
“–But David went to Glasgow. They’re ranked really similarly to Leeds and–” Nick retorted, not even caring that he interrupted his dad mid-sentence.
“Nicholas, we aren’t talking about David right now. Besides, I've always known that David would eventually work for me, but you seem set on carving your own path. and if you’re going to do that, you need to be in a top-ranked university. You told me you scored well on your A-Levels, didn’t you?”
As a result of his father’s question, Nick felt his breathing become shallow. He was suddenly having a hard time focusing on what his dad was saying, and the room started to blur around the edges. He sat down at his desk to calm down.
“Yes, but Dad, I really think it’s the right fit–” Nick replied, voice still quivering. Then, he sniffled, surprised to feel a stray tear fall down his cheek.
There was a pregnant pause.
“Nicholas, are you crying?” his father asked, with an edge to his voice.
Fuck.
Suddenly Nick was 8 again, begging his father not to leave. With every tear that fell down child Nick’s cheeks, Stephane was one step closer to the door, threatening to not visit again if he kept crying.
Now, older Nick was panicking. He couldn’t stay on the phone much longer or he was certain that he’d pass out. Why was his head spinning? “No, no I’m not. Th–thanks for calling, Dad, but I have some work– Speak to you s-soon, I guess.”
“Nichol–”
Nick hung up.
Nick stood up out of his chair, braced himself against the wall, then slid down against his door. His mum was still at work, he didn’t know what to do.
As he uncontrollably sobbed, it felt like his heartbeat was thumping in his ears. Is this what dying feels like?
Then, he clicked on the contact of the one person who could talk him down from any edge, bring him back down to earth.
Nick called Charlie once, twice, but he didn’t pick up. While he was aware that Charlie, too, had a tendency to initially panic, especially when it came to Nick, he didn’t know what else to do but to text him.
nick: charlie, pls call me
Nick racked his brain for all the techniques that Charlie had employed during his recovery. He had mentioned that Geoff, his therapist, said to focus on breathing, usually in multiples of 5.
When Nick tried to breathe in, he choked, entering a full blown coughing fit. He had no idea what else to do but lie down on the floor because he felt like he was mere seconds from passing out.
Then, as if some supernatural force swept in to save him, Nick’s phone buzzed in his hand.
It was Charlie.
“Nick? What’s wrong? Are you okay? I'm so sorry I was closing the shop,” Charlie asked, sounding extremely worried.
Although it was, too, laced with panic, the sound of Charlie’s voice immediately soothed Nick somewhat. His breathing slightly evened out, allowing him to get some words through. “Char, Char, I’m–I can’t–” But as quickly as he recovered, he once again succumbed to sobs.
“Nick, breathe with me. In for 5…” Charlie inhaled through the phone. “Hold for 5…out for 5…good. Again, breathe in…hold…then out. Are you home? What happened?”
Nick sighed with relief, slowly coming back to his body. “I’m home. Mum’s at work, sorry, I’m fine, didn’t mean to worry you–”
Charlie sighed, “Nick, please let me worry about you this time. Just tell me what happened while I'm on my way over. Can you do that for me?”
“D-Dad called to ask about uni. And he said Leeds wasn’t a good enough choice, and was surprised I even considered rugby in my decision, because it’s not like i’d ever play professionally, and said something about ‘carving my own path’ which felt weirdly loaded…and–” Nick sped through the details.
“Woah, slow down Nick. Did your dad just say this unprovoked?”
“Uh…no. I kinda asked him.”
“Nick–”
“I know, I know. It’s just- he asked about applications, and I said I was applying to Leeds as my top choice, and he didn’t really say anything. And maybe there’s a part of me that still wants his approval..” His breathing became slightly uneven again.
“Oh, Nick, I’m so sorry. I’ll be over so soon to come hug you. What happened after?”
“Well I…I brought up David, saying it was unfair because Glasgow and Leeds have relatively similar rankings, and he brought up David working with him again and because I'm on my own path, I need to do better, be better, and, I’m just not, I can’t…”
“Nick, lovely, stop that. You are the best person i know, and I mean it. Your dad has no right to comment on what’s best for you, considering he hasn’t been around to see the wonderful person you already are and who you’re becoming. Plus, I already know how hard it was for you to choose Leeds, because of… us, but you seem so happy. Elle and Tara told me about the way you lit up when you toured there, and you deserve to spend your time in a place that makes you feel like that.”
Nick was truly touched by Charlie’s words, a swell of affection blossoming in his chest, but he never knew how to properly receive them. All he could manage was, “God, I love you so much.”
“I love you I love you I love you,” Charlie whispered through the phone. “Is that it? Or did something else happen?”
“That’s basically it. Except when I surprised myself and him and started crying. But I immediately hung up when he pointed it out. I felt like a kid again, Charlie.”
“I’m so sorry, Nick, that must’ve felt so awful. If it helps, I feel like, with parents, it’s so easy to feel like a kid again. So you’re not alone. And if I had to guess, when talking to your dad you probably still somewhat feel like the age you were when he left.”
It was as though all the synapses connected in Nick’s brain. It seemed so obvious but still managed to blow his mind. “Woah.”
Charlie softly chuckled through the line. “Please don’t take that seriously, I’m just speculating. Geoff has made me overconfident in my therapizing abilities. Anyways, I’m outside.”
Nick sprung up, letting his phone fall off his lap. He bolted downstairs, threw open the door, and was met with the relieved, yet concerned, face of his loving boyfriend.
Charlie’s slight smile turned into a frown, after taking notice of Nick’s tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes.
“Oh…sweetheart,” Charlie said, inching closer to Nick. after Charlie stepped over the threshold, Nick shut the door behind them. Then, not letting a second go to waste, Charlie raised his hands to Nick’s cheeks and wiped the remaining tears away, then kissed both sides gently before pressing a soft peck onto his lips.
The gentleness of Charlie’s affection broke Nick for what seemed like the millionth time that night.
Still at the door, he buried his face into Charlie’s shoulder, letting the intensity of his emotions wash over him. In his head, Nick replayed all the times that his father made him feel like it was somehow his fault, at least partially, that things between his parents turned out the way he did. He thought about how he only pursued rugby to make his father proud, just for him to turn around and say it was never going to last, meaning his approval was never meant to, either.
“Char…” he said, finally.
“Yes, Nick?” Charlie spoke into his hair.
Nick willed himself to look up at his boyfriend, into the deep blues of his eyes. “Why is it never good enough?”
Unsure of how to answer, Charlie sighed, grabbing Nick’s hand and leading him upstairs while he contemplated such a heavy question. As normal as Stephane had been to him in their limited interactions, Charlie had a deep, deep hatred for that man.
He sat Nick down on the bed and stood above him, cupping his cheek. “I don’t know, Nick. There is nothing that you, as a child, could have done. And you’re still young. You’re not supposed to earn your parent’s affection, their approval, their pride. And I’m so sorry he’s made you feel this way. For what it’s worth, I love you and I’m so, so proud of you.”
Nick willed his eyes not to well up with tears, once again, but luckily managed to hold them back. Instead, he pulled Charlie onto his lap, causing them both to collapse backwards on the bed.
Charlie, through giggles, climbed over Nick and peppered kisses all over his face. “You know, every time you cry, I’ll kiss you twice as much. I don’t like seeing you sad.”
“Charlie, is this your ploy to get me to cry more?” Nick asked, teasingly.
Fake aghast, he replied, “Of course not. But maybe it’s my ploy to get you to always tell me when you do.”
In lieu of a response, Nick flipped them over, now hovering above Charlie. “I've cried so much today, so we’re gonna be here a while.”
“Not that either one of us is complaining,” Charlie responded seductively.
Nick leaned in, but before he could do anything, Charlie pressed his index finger to Nick’s lips.
While Nick pouted, Charlie said, “I’ll raise you this. We’ll take a little break from the heavy stuff, kiss each other senseless, talk about it a bit more, then head to bed. Deal?”
Nick smiled. “Deal. I love you.”
But before Charlie could respond back, Nick kissed him passionately, urgently, trying to pour all of his emotions into it. To remind Charlie of how much he truly means to him, how much he appreciates him for being there, for being proud of him, for being his everything.