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*
The first time Yushi says it, he doesn’t understand the meaning of his words yet. He simply writes it as an ordinary reply to Riku’s post.
大好き
A simple, yet effective way to tell Riku that he loves him, as his friend, as his member and as his favorite person. At this moment, his feelings are still simple.
He likes goofing around with Riku, he likes having common interests with Riku, and he likes being able to spend every day with him. Being with Riku is like being with a friend that he has known for years. There are no walls to break down and no words to decipher; their friendship has always been an open book between them.
And maybe it’s that sensation of familiarity and comfort that blinds Yushi from the real truth of his feelings. That maybe his feelings have evolved to something more than just loving a friend.
**
There are many clues of Yushi’s evolving feelings as the days pass by. Like when he’s recounting the story of Riku doing push ups before bed time, or how Riku looks so cute when he brushes his teeth. Or when Yushi feels so flustered after a finger kiss that he falls sideways into Jaehee’s lap, unable to contain his giddiness.
But the most obvious sign is Yushi’s message to Riku for their Wish album. He wants Riku to share his worries, he wants to help him in any way that he can, but most of all, he tells Riku the same three words again.
大好き
This time, the meaning behind these words feels heavier. It’s no longer three simple words uttered just to make Riku feel loved or happy. It’s now three words that make his heart ache a little because there are meanings behind his confession.
I love you because I care about you.
I love you because I want to be the one that eases your worries.
I love you because you’ve always been cool to me.
Reasons that seem so ordinary and common to most people. Reasons that might be categorized as friends wanting to support each other. But for Yushi, these reasons move his heart and open his eyes to a different possibility.
***
As weeks pass by, Yushi finds himself falling deeper in this emotion. It sometimes feels overwhelming, like swimming in a deep ocean and inhaling a deep breath every time he’s able to touch Riku momentarily. It sometimes feels unfair because Riku is right beside him and Yushi finds himself stuck between hiding his feelings or confessing his love without a care.
It used to be easy . He used to be able to casually say it without a second thought.
But now, every action and every word has meanings. It feels like he can’t be that reckless guy without thinking about possible consequences.
It sucks because he knows that Riku loves him, and he knows that Riku loves him differently than the rest. He just doesn't know what kind of difference.
Is it family love? Brotherly love? Bestest friend love?
There are too many options and not enough proof that Riku can love him romantically.
The way Riku acts towards him has always been special, but Yushi isn’t confident enough to risk their close friendship for a maybe .
So his third confession is a cowardly one. He says it when Riku can’t tell who that person might be.
It’s during their fanmeet in Korea that he utters the word quietly into a microphone where the voice is changed into a high pitched tone.
Saranghae.
It feels nerve wracking as he watches Riku try to figure out who says it. He thinks Riku will never know because the elder keeps guessing wrong.
愛してる – he says it with a smile.
A single word that feels weightier than 大好き. Most couples only say it privately, because it’s too heavy to be stated casually in public, but Yushi doesn’t care. His feelings have gone past infatuation or a simple crush. He truly loves Riku, wholeheartedly. He doesn’t care if Riku won’t realize that it’s him.
After that confession, he still feels anxious and somewhat giddy from the rush of adrenaline. But most of all, he feels a little relieved. He’s happy that he can at least confess indirectly. He can only hope that one day he can confess with confidence.
****
After that day, there are many more love confessions towards Riku. Like during Songbird’s Weverse live where Yushi accidentally says ‘go-saranghae’ or when Yushi says 大好きだよ during a radio segment. All of those instances make it clear that Yushi loves Riku the most, and that their fans and members are starting to notice the truth too. Even Riku himself has stated that Yushi really likes him, causing Yushi to feel slightly embarrassed.
There’s no point in denying the truth since Yushi doesn’t care about hiding his feelings anymore.
The only issue is forcing himself to actually confess and make his intentions clear. Yushi still doesn’t know how to do that.
He keeps stalling because things are busy for them and they’re still rushing from one schedule to the next without rest. He thinks there will be time later on, maybe during the holidays or after New Year.
He just doesn’t expect Riku to go on hiatus as October comes around.
The news hit him hard. As if someone punches his stomach and rips out his lungs. The separation feels heavy on his limbs, and it feels heart wrenching as Yushi struggles to keep his composure.
It’s hard to keep a smile on his face. It’s even harder to not think about Riku daily. Wondering what the elder is doing. Wondering if Riku has found a new friend to replace Yushi. Too many negative thoughts occupying his mind and not enough calls to be shared between them.
He starts to miss Riku heavily, especially as the holidays approach because he sees couples walking around. He imagines a future where he can take Riku out shopping or even to eat ramen together because it’s been so long. The longingness hurts his heart and the pain keeps throbbing every day as if it’s a constant reminder that his better half is still missing.
The loneliness starts to overwhelm him, and he can no longer ignore it as Christmas approaches. Maybe that’s why his next public confession feels so raw and honest, as if all of his emotions poured out without a filter. It’s written as if he’s giving a testimony for the world.
I was able to gain strength because of Riku. That’s why I need Riku. I’ll wait for you. Riku, I love you.
The longingness is too evident. His love hasn’t changed even when they’ve been separated for months. Yushi is just more confident to say what he feels inside. That he needs Riku beside him, emotionally and physically. That as much as he wants to take care of Riku, he also needs Riku to give him strength. It sounds romantic enough that the other members call it a love letter.
And it probably is a love letter. Yushi can’t deny the truth. It’s why he feels slightly flustered when Sion reads it out loud, or how he can’t sit still when the words are being read.
He feels anxious in the end. He doesn’t know if Riku will realize how much he’s in love with him. Or if the elder is even watching this live stream. He can only hope that Riku will like his letter.
*****
When Riku returns from his hiatus, there’s no fanfare in the background or a welcoming party waiting for him. It’s simply Sakuya greeting him loudly and the other members crowding him, hugging him back.
And Yushi stands alone, ten feet away with too many emotions within him and all of his words stuck inside his throat. He doesn’t move, even when Ryo gives him a knowing expression, or when Jaehee tries to pull him closer to them.
He feels overwhelmed with happiness, with questions bursting within him, and too many thoughts in his head that he doesn’t know what to do first.
He simply stares at Riku as the elder approaches him with an easy smile.
“ただいま,” Riku says softly, waiting for Yushi to reply to him.
“おかえり,” Yushi can’t help, but reply, and it makes him happy that Riku smiles at his answer.
“Was it a lie? I thought you missed me,” Riku teases with a playful smirk.
“I… I do!” Yushi replies too quickly. “I missed you…”
“I missed you too,” Riku says with a soft whisper.
“What about us?” Sion jokes.
“Yes! I missed all of you!” Riku suddenly says with slight exaggeration.
Jaehee giggles in reaction while Sakuya asks if Riku brought back any jelly from Japan.
Yushi simply watches in the background, feeling his emotions slowly calm down over time. He doesn’t feel as tongue tied as before, and he finally knows what he wants to ask Riku now.
The question is on the tip of his tongue, and it should be easy for Yushi to say it, but instead, something else comes out.
“大好き,” he says randomly in the middle of the conversation.
It feels like an open secret that can’t be contained anymore within Yushi’s body. It looks like Yushi is childishly trying to get Riku’s attention by randomly confessing his love. But in reality, Yushi just wants Riku to know the truth. That he’s still foolishly in love with the elder and that he wants Riku to love him back. He wants the elder to finally understand the meaning behind his words.
Ryo would tell him that he’s being an idiot. That Yushi should be more direct by asking Riku out to dinner or something. But Yushi is just too stubborn and too lovefool to try other methods. He’s fine if they just remain friends and he’s fine if Riku finds someone else to love. Ryo would say that sounds like a bunch of bullshit, and it’s probably true.
It’s why he doesn’t expect Riku to hear that confession, and why he feels surprised when Riku says it back.
“大好き.”
Riku looks happy as he says it, even as Sion teases them in the background, or as Jaehee giggles in amusement. Yushi can only blush and nod in reaction, feeling his heart skip a beat.
He thinks that this is better than having Riku reject him one day.
**
“Yu-chan, let's sleep together,” Riku mumbles to him all of a sudden after a long day of practice.
They finally return back to the dorm late at night and Jaehee is opening the front door when Riku asks that question.
Yushi almost loses his balance in reaction as his heart starts to beat faster, wondering why the request.
“I think my room is still dusty and I don't want to sleep on the couch,” Riku whines softly into Yushi’s shoulder.
“Oh… Okay…” Yushi can only say as he leads them inside the dorm.
Jaehee yawns loudly as he heads to the bathroom, leaving the two of them alone.
“Are you going to shower before sleeping?” Yushi asks, wondering if Riku's habit has changed.
“Mhm. Wanna join me?” Riku asks as he grabs Yushi’s hand.
“N..no,” Yushi says while feeling flustered, letting Riku hold his hand as the elder follows him from behind.
As they enter Yushi’s room, Riku tells him to shower first as he flops to the ground, letting the cold floor cool his body. He looks around the room to see if anything has changed inside Yushi’s room.
There’s the Wish keychain that’s still hanging in Yushi’s desk, and there’s a Wish pillow lying on the floor, possibly thrown to the wall on purpose. The biggest change is how there are Wish dolls on Yushi’s desk, organized in a certain way. Riku stands up as he walks closer and analyzes how the dolls are set up. Sioning is sitting on a picnic blanket with Pang and Ronron. Daengtriever is standing in front of the fake BBQ. And unfortunately, Kuri and Bubblenyang are nowhere to be seen, and Riku wonders why.
“I’m done,” Yushi says softly as he exits the bathroom with slightly wet hair and a wide t-shirt.
“Where did you put Kuri and Bubblenyang?” Riku asks with a slight pout.
“Oh… They’re traveling,” Yushi replies as he approaches Riku and shows the toy airplane with Kuri and Bubblenyang inside it.
“Cute~” Riku comments as he takes the airplane in his hand and gently caresses the dolls’ heads. “Where are they flying to?”
“Anywhere,” Yushi says as he shrugs. “Last week, they went to Hawaii.”
“So lucky!” Riku comments with a jealous tone before giving the airplane back with a smile. “I’ll go shower now.”
Yushi nods before sitting down on his bed as he waits for Riku. He can easily fall asleep after tonight’s practice, but he feels restless. It’s the first time in forever that they’ll be sharing a bed again so he feels slightly nervous.
Unlike Yushi, Riku takes his time to shower and bathe, so Yushi ends up watching random clips before he notices Riku exiting with a loud yawn.
“Yu-chan, I’m sleepy,” Riku says with a whine before turning off the light.
He approaches the younger and climbs into the bed with slightly wet hair.
Yushi offers to dry it for him, but Riku says ‘no’, claiming that he doesn’t care if he gets a bad hair day tomorrow.
Yushi lays down first, watching with attentive eyes as Riku lays down beside him, too closely. He can smell the fruity shampoo and it makes him wish he could smell Riku’s hair more closely. He’s distracted enough that he doesn’t notice Riku’s arm until it scoops up his body and pulls him closer to the elder.
“Why are you so far away?” Riku grumbles as he tightens his hold, making sure Yushi is pressed right against him.
Yushi nuzzles his face against Riku’s neck, feeling too content to stay like this forever. He wishes that he could always be in Riku’s arms, but he knows that his job doesn’t give him that freedom.
A silence falls between them as the clock ticks in the background. Neither has fallen asleep based on their breathing pattern.
“Yu-chan,” Riku whispers in the dark. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” Yushi whispers back against Riku’s skin.
“Every day?”
“Every day,” Yushi confirms.
“Even when you were having fun?”
Yushi nods against Riku’s neck.
“I kept thinking what you’d do if you were here. If you’d take some of my parts, or if you’d end the performance with a wink or some fanservice move,” Yushi says quietly. “And sometimes, I’d wonder if you found new friends and think that ordinary life is more fun for you.”
Riku squeezes Yushi’s hip in reassurance.
“It was fun at first, meeting everyone again, but I just ended up missing everyone. I kept wondering if the fans are okay… if you were okay… or if the group still needs me,” Riku admits as he caresses Yushi’s back.
“Of course we need you,” Yushi says adamantly, looking upward to glance at Riku’s expression. He doesn’t want the elder one to feel sad.
“I know… You need me too, right?” Riku asks with a small smile and Yushi looks away embarrassed.
“Sometimes,” Yushi can only mutter, ignoring how Riku is giggling and rubbing his back so sensuously.
“Yu-chan, don’t be mad,” Riku says softly to his hair. “I also need you,” he reassures the younger with a hug. “I need you the most…” he whispers in the end.
It’s these kinds of words that makes Yushi feel all putty inside, and it makes him wish that he could kiss Riku tonight. Instead, he simply hugs Riku tighter, wishing that he was brave enough to make a physical move.
Another silence passes by as Yushi starts to feel sleepy. He’s half asleep by now, hearing noises in the background and enjoying Riku’s warmth surrounding him. His mind is only half awake by now.
“Yu-chan, did you fall asleep?” Riku whispers into the dark again.
Yushi can only grumble without giving a real answer.
“Yu-chan…” a hesitation can be felt in the air. “I love you,” he says quietly into Yushi’s hair.
Yushi hums in reply, thinking it’s just a casual expression.
“愛してる,” Riku breathes out without hesitation, hugging Yushi unconsciously.
He knows that the younger one can't possibly reply to him, or realize his intention tonight. He knows that it’s the worst time to confess his feelings, but he can’t help it.
He’s been in love with Yushi for the longest time. And the weight of his emotions keeps squeezing his heart and dragging his limbs against the ground. He can only hope that he can make Yushi fall in love with him one day.
It won’t be tonight, but he’s aiming for a different future.