Chapter Text
it’s a bright, sunny day on the heights; the shared domain of the sword deities. although it’s usually devoid of said deities most of the time, today is special!! they’re having a little family get-together, as suggested by firebrand. surely nothing can possibly go wrong.
icedagger was just minding his own teenage business when—
“iceyyyy…!” a certain SOMEONE whose name starts with ‘dark’ and ends with ‘heart’ barreled into him, knocking the poor moth inphernal off their feet. “it’s so hot today..!”
“did you have to tackle me?!” icedagger yelped. “get off, you asshole..!”
“but you’re all nice and cold…” darkheart whined, clinging onto their little brother like their life depended on it. “firebrand made the weather too warm today…”
“not my problem!” the blue-horned inphernal hissed, looking like he was about to fucking bite them. “if you don’t get off me in the next three seconds i’ll start freezing your limbs—“
“can you even do anything besides freezing..?” the other questioned.
“can you do anything besides flinging inphernals straight into the fucking abyss. cunt.”
“wow okay, fuck you..”
Notes:
this is a nothing chapter i threw together in 10 minutes so i can actually publish this fic
have fun chat
Chapter 2: GHOSTWALKER DOES A PHUCKING BACKFLIP OFF CROSSROADS TOWER (VINE BOOM SFX)
Chapter Text
MedHammerYaoiReal: Make ghostwalker do a backflip off the crossroads tower and everyone is like "HOLY FUCK THE GRIM REAPER IS IN CHICAGO i mean CROSSROADS"
“do you want him to fucking die?!” icedagger is… horrified and worried by this dare.
ghostwalker placed a hand on his shoulder. “rest assured; death will not claim me, icedagger.”
xxx
so it actually turns out that the deity of life and death doesn’t know how to do a backflip. what a loserrr LLLL
that doesn’t stop him from trying though, despite the terrified and confused screams of onlookers down below watching as the fucking grim reaper did a clumsy, mid-air backflip off the top of the crossroads tower before seemingly vanishing before he could hit the ground. soooo mysterious i wonder how that could’ve happened
the ghostwalker is now trending on multiple inpherno social media platforms. wowzers
Chapter 3: tge darkfart chapter
Notes:
guyszyz… tje chapter title iz a lieee… fiberbrand and walkingghost appear in tthis chapter too……… imsawrry for lyinggg ;;;;;; 🥺🥺🥺
oh also. um. trigger warning for like… a corpse. no detailed description but its there
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Lemonade_P925: Make Darkheart gift Illumina a fried chicken wing and say “We’ve found your missing wing 😁”
“ooh! we like this one…” darkheart cackled, their smile stretching into an almost maniacal grin. they’re so normal guys. most normal demon in the inpherno, trust.
x x x
they joyfully skipped right up to the purple-horned deity, who merely glanced at them with a tired gaze. “what is it?” she inquired.
darkheart could barely hold back a laugh as they held out the fried chicken they’d been somehow hiding up their sleeve. “lookie…! we found your missing wing..!”
“……….” illumina went silent.
“what’s with that look…? aren’t you going to thank us for finding it?” darkheart cocked their head.
a long blade was suddenly pointed at their throat.
“you have three seconds.” illumina glared at them. she was dead serious. kind of like how darkheart is about to be dead soon lmfaooo
“oh..! a game of tag! how fun…” darkheart giggled before disappearing. they can just do that i guess.
“…” illumina unsummoned his gear with a sigh. “i’m going to end them someday.”
x x x
HYPERTANACONNOISSEUR (demisimp): make darkheart swallow his sword blade first and then approach a random inphernal, "unsheathe" his sword by pulling the handle out from the back of his throat and then behead the inphernal biograft style
“you realize you’re making us murder a random inphernal, right…? not that we mind, exactly.. hehe…”
they’ve never swallowed their own sword before. what an amusing idea! this will be fun…
x x x
some random crossroads citizen was hanging out on the blackrock bridge in the middle of the night like some edgy loser. a perfect target.
darkheart basically materialized behind him, scaring the shit out of the poor fella.
“AHH!!” he screamed. “what the— who are you—?!”
in lieu of a verbal answer, they unhinged their jaw and pulled out their ridiculously long sword, like im so deadass dude this thing is huge have you fucking seen it. it takes like a whole minute for darkheart to remove the entire thing from their body, with the other inphernal simply watching them in horror.
“surprise.” was the last thing he heard before darkheart slashed the blade across his neck, instantly decapitating him. RIP bozo
x x x
spiral_stereo: daring firebrand to do the one chip challenge cause hes an old man & i wanna see what happens. also daring ghostwalker to try taxidermy (trust)
“HA! the one chip challenge is far too easy to be considered a ‘challenge’!” firebrand laughed heartily. “this dare is a piece of cake!”
literally like not even 5 minutes later
“firebrand, you need medical attention.” ghostwalker said, looking about as close to worried as he physically could. which wasn’t all that worried but it’s the thought that counts.
“NO I’M FINE!” the king of crossroads insisted, his face looking more red than his clothes. “I’M SO FINE, GHOSTIE IT’S FINE. IT’S NOT SPICY AT ALL.”
“…firebrand please. you’re going to be hospitalized.”
“NUH UH I’VE GOT THIS.”
he does not, in fact, got this.
ghostwalker just turned away and left. if his brother was going to be stubborn, he wasn’t going to try and fight him.
now. how does one do taxidermy??? and also. what is he even going to taxidermy.
well. he supposes there’s that inphernal darkheart dumped onto the heights last night that wasn’t discovered until morning and sent illumina into a furious rage. granted, it was headless, but that should be fine.
what an oddly specific dare (not to mention a massive waste of time). this may take a while.
x x x
“um. what the hell is that.” icedagger shakily pointed at whatever the fuck he was staring at.
“a taxidermy demon.” ghostwalker shrugged a little, almost appearing embarrassed. “it’s not of high quality, as it was my first attempt, but—“
“why the FUCK.”
“…pardon?”
“that looks like something out of a horror movie!” the smaller deity cried, wings fluttering behind him. “oh my spawn i don’t even want to look at it anymore. why couldn’t you have used a bird or something????”
“i didn’t… have any animal corpses. except for this one.”
“i’m going insane.”
“you are perfectly sane, icedagger.”
“not for long.”
Notes:
im aware that the formatting is shit. however. i am not fixing it 🫶
Chapter 4: “mom can we get mcdonalds” “we have food at home”
Notes:
i sort of tried to make this good but i think i failed miserably
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
spiral_stereo: I GOT MORE. firebrand has to eat a big bag of takis no bev & im forcing illumina to drink sprite without burping.
also icedagger works at a fast food establishment. & then windforce has to do a kickflip with the entirety of playground. this can only go well guys
“shit i guess we’re all doin this at the same time.” icedagger glanced around at his siblings, all with varying reactions to their assigned dares. “cya guys, i’m gonna go break into a mcdonalds and pretend i work there.” and with a flutter of his moth wings, he was off. which was odd, because according to all known laws of aviation—
“fun as this sounds, i don’t think my dare is possible!” windforce huffed. “at least not without killing a whole bunch of playgrounders.”
“indeed. this would result in carnage.” ghostwalker nodded.
“but! i don’t wanna disappoint anyone, so i’ll just have to compromise with something else!” with an excited grin, windforce leapt off the heights and flew off.
“how much property damage is she going to cause this time?” darkheart asked, watching her leave.
“shut up d*rkheart.”
“…illumina how did you do that out loud.”
“i said shut up. dni.” illumina crossed her arms, wing twitching in irritation. “my dare is so unbelievably stupid.”
“stop complaining.” firebrand buried his face in his hands. thank god its physically impossible for him to burn himself. “at least you don’t have to eat spicy food…”
“awww, can the almighty king of crossroads not handle a little bit of spice?” darkheart teased their sibling with a shit-eating grin.
“shut the fuck up darkheart you actual freak, this is why nobody likes you.”
“damn ok…” they turned away with a frown. “whatever, we’re gonna go play hello kitty island adventure…”
x x x
meanwhile, icedagger somehow managed to sneak into mcdonalds through a window undetected.
i’m supposed to work here, but… his gaze turned towards the kitchen. i think i hear that freezer calling my name…
how shocking; the deity of ice really, really likes ice and cold places. who could’ve guessed. certainly not me, the author of this god awful fanfic.
the ice moth somehow teleports inside the mcdonalds freezer and just sort of stays there, deciding to just chill (no pun intended) amongst ඞ the boxes. he wants to rummage through them and take some stuff but that would be like actual straight up theft and banhammer might kick his ass for it.
is this still technically doing the dare? no. but he doesn’t like doing what other people tell him to do anyway L
suddenly, the door to the freezer opened, causing the moth demon to perk up.
“…ermm. what the hell are you doing here?” an inphernal stood there, clad in the mcdonalds uniform. they looked pretty generic, like pretty much your average demon, no defining characteristics apart from the fact that they looked like a teenager.
“wouldn’t you like to know, weatherboy.”
“quoting vines in 2025 is cringe.”
“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME??? SQUARE UP” icedagger yelled, raising his fists like he was actually about to throw down with this random guy in the freezer.
“OH YOU WANNA FUCKIN GO??” the mcdonalds worker yelled back, also raising their fists. “PUT THOSE SCRAWNY ASS HANDS AWAY BEFORE YOU EMBARRASS YOURSELF, CUNT!”
thankfully before the two idiot teens could actually beat the shit out of each other, the ground began shaking, throwing both of them off balance.
“..the fuck? is there an earthquake?!”
“there shouldn’t be?” the mcdonalds guy said before hearing a booming laugh coming from outside.
x x x
back at the heights, firebrand is on the verge of dying again.
“are you sure you’re alright?” illumina asked him, raising a brow. to be honest, this is kind of funny to them. but also it would be Bad if the fire deity died, so better make sure that doesn’t happen.
“YES ILLUMINA I AM PERFECTLY FINE WHY DO YOU ASK?” there’s a forced, rather unhinged smile on firebrand’s face as he answers. it’s.. pretty concerning.
“…no reason.” she glances away from him, sipping her sprite. it’s not that bad. “what do you think windforce is doing at this very moment?”
“HOPEFULLY NOT CAUSING ANY TROUBLE!!! AHAHAHAHA—“ okay, firebrand’s lost it. to be fair he’s probably in a fuck ton of agony right now so illumina can understand.
“yes, hopefully..” they say as they take another sip. they’re such an interesting inphernal, guys.
x x x
“I’M HERE TO CAUSE TROUBLE!!” windforce let out a laugh as she effortlessly ripped the mcdonalds straight out of the ground before throwing it like 80 feet up into the air. i’d question the logic of this but apparently she can just fucking do this shit in canon so i’ll let it slide
windforce flew onto the roof of the establishment, ignoring the absolutely horrified screams of the inphernals inside, and does the sickest kickflip you’ve ever seen in your entire goddamn life.
“damn that was a cool ass kickflip.” some random bystander said, watching the spectacle.
meanwhile, inside the mcdonalds, two nineteen year olds (well one of them is only mentally nineteen but shh) were screaming at the top of their lungs and holding onto each other for dear life as they were violently tossed around inside the freezer, crashing into walls and boxes.
it’s kind of a miracle that neither of them died or at least suffered severe injury by the time it was over, and the building was dropped back into the ground. thank you plot armor 🙏
“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!” the mcdonalds employee coughed out the moment they could speak. “NO WAY THAT WAS A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE!!”
“pretty sure that was my sister…” icedagger mumbled, face-down on the floor.
the other inphernal gave him a bewildered look. “…what?”
“nothing…” the blue-horned demon slowly pushed himself up to a sitting position, wincing as he did so because this bitch just got yeeted around a room like a ragdoll. “what are your pronouns by the way, i’m gonna talk shit about you later but i don’t wanna misgender you.”
“fuck/you”
“is that /srs or”
“no i actually go by they/them, thanks for asking.”
“awesome.”
x x x
as you can probably expect, as soon as they both returned to the heights, icedagger immediately jumped windforce and began trying to punch the shit out of her. he does indeed have scrawny ass hands though (skill issue) so she didn’t feel a thing through her armor, but was irritated by this anyways.
“the hell’s your problem?” the much larger deity questioned, grabbing her brother by the scruff and lifting him up so she could look him dead in the eyes.
“out of all the buildings in the inpherno, you had to choose that specific mcdonalds?!“ icedagger screamed, flailing about in her grasp. “that’s the one i was in, you jackass!!!”
“well how was i supposed to know that?!” windforce let go, allowing icedagger to hover in the air with his wings, even though according to all known laws of aviation—
“i think firebrand is dead.” illumina appeared out of nowhere, interrupting the argument. the two deities turned towards him, confusion slowly replacing anger.
“…what—?” windforce began before the fucking vine boom sfx played along with firebrand himself showing up, face red and looking like he just witnessed cosmic horrors beyond his comprehension.
“I’M NOT DEAD.” the king said after just standing there for a moment, all eyes on him. “WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT??!”
illumina raised her wing in a casual shrug. “you were on the floor motionless. i assumed you died from a spice-induced heart attack.”
“………”
“i fucking hate it here.” icedagger muttered, crossing his arms and glancing away from all of them.
Notes:
i hope u liked this chapter my skibidi sigmas 🤩🙏
Chapter 5: they call me the third wall breaker
Notes:
i dont have an excuse for this being so late i just lost motivation for a while and then got REALLY into forsaken and forgot about this. mb gang💔😢
also the tags have been updated a bit
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Very NON evil person (trust): I dare Icedagger to swallow one of em snack tomatoes (pls do hold any deity back that tries to prevent this from happenin') AND I DARE WINDFORCE TO EAT MY VERY SAFE TO EAT AND DEFENITLY NOT FILLED WITH ONE CHIP CHALLENGE CHIP DUST SOUP (never made that, but its accurate to tomato soup with pepper flakes i made once, hehe)
“oh boy!” icedagger enthusiastically held the cherry tomato in his hands, ready to fucking swallow it like a snake.
“ICEDAGGER WAIT!” windforce stretched out a hand towards him, but a strange force stopped her, gently knocking the deity backwards. “what the—“
an inphernal with yellow horns on the sides of his head materialized in front of her in a ✨magic✨ beam of light. “it’s me boy, i’m the ps5.” he announced, grinning like a dipshit.
“who the fuck are you??” woah, illumina just swore. “and how did you get here?”
“pfft.. i’m the author.” the stranger responded with a smirk and a hair flip like that explained anything. “aka your skibidi sigma alpha ohio level 9000 god…”
“……” dead silence rang throughout the heights.
“basically the dare told me specifically to hold you back should you try to prevent icedagger from doing his dare and i thought it was a perfect opportunity to introduce the fourth wall breaking elements of this story.”
“oh.” illumina mumbled. that actually did explain things.
“that’s bullshit.” windforce scoffed, crossing her arms irritably.
“damn, sucks to suck.” the author turned back towards icedagger. “now do the dare.”
“okay, but first, this is technically third wall breaking, since we’re not directly addressing the readers; we’re just acknowledging the fact that we’re in a fic.” 🤓
“damn i think that’s the most out of character thing i’ve ever made you say.”
“i can’t be out of character if i don’t have a canon personality anymore” icedagger pointed out like a NERD before popping the cherry tomato into his mouth without chewing.
nothing happened.
“oh thank spawn—“ windforce began to sigh before the moth deity pulled out ANOTHER cherry tomato.
[vine boom sfx] “yo yo yo wait hold on. what.” the author stared at icedagger with wide eyes. “this isn’t part of the dare, you only had to swallow one—“
“down the hatch!” the moth said gleefully as he swallowed the tomato without chewing AGAIN, ignoring the protests from his siblings.
“he didn’t even hesitate…” illumina muttered like a disappointed parent.
“i think bro is just hungry. anyways!” a concrete sliding sfx played as the author turned towards windforce. “i recreated the soup from the dare! here, take it.” he shoved a bowl of… something into the wind deity’s hands.
she looked down on it with apprehension. “…am i meant to drink this, or…”
“no you’re supposed to make out with it. YES YOU’RE MEANT TO DRINK IT, DUMBFUCK”
“OKAY, OKAY!” if it were any other mortal talking to her like that, she would’ve already struck them down with her fuckign lightning powers or whatever. like maleficent.
windforce brought the bowl up to her lips and downed like half of it before lowering it back down. “huh. it’s disgusting, what did you put in this?”
“the dust of one chip challenge chips…” the author answered, kind of unnerved by her reaction, or lack thereof. “honestly, i’m surprised you’re not feeling the spice yet.”
“oh, it does have a bit of a kick to it!” the deity’s wings fluttered. “i’m not too impressed, though. hmph! some ‘challenge’ this turned out to be…”
“why are YOU the one with a high spice tolerance and not your brother?!” he wanted to rip his hair out from exasperation. but there was no time for that because it turns out windforce wasn’t done with her dares yet—
EggsAmdBaconWithBeans: i dare windforce to slap someone with 500 miles per hour wind gusts…
“you’re quite popular with these mortals.” illumina remarked. honestly they’ve just been watching this whole time. you probably forgot he was even here.
windforce placed her hands on his hips with a smirk. “well, obviously! they love me!”
“they’re asking you to kill people.” the author said in a deadpan tone.
“nonsense! i’ll just slap d*rkheart, i’m sure they can survive it!”
“wait why is their name censored”
“dont worry about it.” and with that, windforce took off, leaving the three alone.
there was awkward silence for a moment before icedagger tentatively raised his hand. “ummm… shouldn’t there be a cut to d*rkheart’s POV by now?”
“nah just wait for it” the author replied.
“i’m scared of what you mean by that. also i don’t think we even got your name?”
“oh yeah.” he pondered for 0.4 seconds before responding. “i guess you can call me michael.”
illumina tilted her head. “strange name. though i suppose it’s fitting for a being like you.”
“hehueherhegheherhe yeahhh i’m pretty cool aren’t i” michael struck an awesome pose right as faint screaming could be heard. the sound rapidly drew nearer until a dark green blur passed by, shooting off into the distance before anyone could get a proper look at it.
“the fuck was that?” the ice deity glanced around, confused.
“pretty sure it was darkheart. i can’t believe the dare happened off-screen; i hope the commenter isn’t pissed.”
indigopark: i dare icedagger to do the cinnamon challenge iykwim
“what does ‘iykwim’ mean?” icedagger asked blankly.
“why am i even here? i haven’t received a single one of these so-called ‘dares’ yet.” illumina frowned.
a spoon of cinnamon appeared in the author’s hand. “oh my god you two are SO annoying. i want this chapter over with quickly so eat the goddamn cinnamon and shut up” he handed it over to icedagger who was just. puzzled.
“okay…?” his left wing twitched as he eyed the powder. “this doesn’t seem so bad…”
two seconds later
he’s dead. he’s fucking dead. the snowball-throwing bane of every phighter’s existence was lying on the ground, doing the peter griffin death pose, covered in ground cinnamon. it was like one of those grimace shake tiktoks but with cinnamon. rip.
“…he’s fine, right?” illumina inquired as he stared down at his deceased brother’s body. such a caring sibling.
“he better be.” michael scoffed, doing a sick hairflip with a wig he put on at some point. haha hes so cool right guys
Notes:
sup guys… *starts dodging tomatoes that the crowd flings at me*
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