Archive of Our Own

Have you ever wondered what colour stars are? The colour of the stars you would see up in the night sky depends on heat. Did you know that the hottest stars burn blue with temperatures up to forty thousand degrees celsius (Seventy-two thousand thirty-two degrees fahrenheit) while the coolest stars are red with a surface temperature of about three thousand degrees celsius (Five thousand four hundred and thirty two degrees fahrenheit). This is what Hyunjin would have told you had you asked him six months ago. These days, stars come in a multitude of colours. Lavender rose, sunset orange, pale golds, crusoe, even that stupid fuck ass eggplant purple. Hyunjin has unfortunately learned that stars come in many different colours. 

Have you ever wondered what a star sounds like? To Hyunjin, stars sound like small glass shards hitting whatever surface they happen to fall upon. Sometimes it’s a soft high pitched ding that fades quickly away as it shatters against his bathroom floor, sometimes they make no sound as they fall against his pillow, and sometimes they clink together softly as he holds them in his hand as he tries to avoid them making any sound at all when he’s in public. 

Stars used to be such beautiful lights, so far out of reach to Hyunjin. He’d never dream of seeing one up close, not until he met Yang Jeongin. 

It was April fourth to be exact, the weather was gorgeous. A light breeze made the day a bit cool but nothing Hyunjin’s cream coloured peacoat , and black scarf couldn’t handle. He had wanted to go to Yeouido for the flower festival, and Jisung had said he’d tag along- casually mentioning that one of his other friends had also wanted to go so it worked out perfectly.  First a stop at Hyunjin’s favourite cafe, three drinks in hand and off they went. The cherry blossoms were beautiful, Hyunjin couldn’t help himself when he whipped out his camera and wandered off to take a few shots while Jisung found his friend. 

That’s where he saw him. 

Sitting on a bench, black hair with blonde woven through the middle, a black leather jacket, jeans. Simple, yet so beautiful-  flower petals fell around him, straight out of a scene of an anime. Hyunjin couldn’t help it- positioning his camera, his subject just off centre as he stares off to the side. The scene is perfect, until Jisung walks straight into the frame, hand in hand with another man. They stop to talk to the man sitting on the bench for a moment before Jisung begins looking around, searching for something - or someone. 

Probably him.

 Jisung spots him, waving him over and truthfully Hyunjin almost doesn’t want to approach. The pretty man sitting on the bench finally notices him as Jisung waves him over and right there and then it’s over for Hyunjin. High cheekbones, and a sharp jaw, eyes just as sharp piercing through him; as though he was looking into Hyunjin’s soul. Those eyes could kill, Hyunjin is pretty sure he died right there. 

“Hyunnie, this is Minho” Jisung smiles, “My boyfriend, and this- is Jeongin. Our son.” The man coughs, the statement clearly catching him off guard. 

“Jesus Jisung, don't introduce me to your friend like that.” The laugh he lets out is awkward, but it’s cute. “Sorry, I don’t know where they got this habit of calling me that came from.”

“It’s because you’re just a baby!” Minho laughs. 

That was his first time meeting Jeongin, after that it became pretty normal to see him around. Whenever Jisung would invite Hyunjin to hang out with him and Minho, Jeongin would be there. It didn’t take long for the two to begin getting close. Soon enough Hyunjin was close with not only Jeongin but Minho as well. Minho quickly became someone Hyunjin could rely on, talk to about anything, they were close. 

 Minho noticed it first, when Hyunjin had begun sitting just a bit closer to Jeongin, when he’d noticed Hyunjin beginning to ask more questions about him, and he watched and smiled as Hyunjin began to realise he may have started ‘falling’ for the younger boy. He noticed the way Hyunjin and Jeongin had become more comfortable with each other. How they went from Hyunjin and Jeongin, to Hyunnie, and his baby- Innie. Almost inseparable. 

“Me personally, I think Jeonginnie might like you too, I mean yeah he doesn’t talk about his love life or anything often or anything but there's something in the way he looks at you. Honestly it kind of reminds me of how Hannie looked at me when we first met.” Minho smiles as he passes Hyunjin the bottle of red they’d been sharing on Hyunjin’s couch. 

“I don’t know hyung, you might be looking too far into that! No one outdoes the way Sung looks at you! It’s like-” he stops to think about it for a second, before turning his whole body on the couch facing Minho directly, “He stares at you exactly like that stupid sad hamster meme, but specifically the one with the pink bow on its head.” 

“Hyunjinnie,” Minho laughs, “There's no difference between the normal image and the bow one.” 

“YES THERE IS!” Hyunjin whines, “THAT ONE IS SOOO  BABY GIRL.” 

“ARE YOU CALLING MY BOYFRIEND BABY GIRL RIGHT NOW?” 

“Well, am I wrong?” They stare at each other for a moment, both of them trying so desperately hard to keep the laugh that's bubbling within them in, they fail. Bursting out in a fit of laughter as they fall over each other on the couch, drunk and both of them stupidly in love with their partners, or- hope to be partner. 

“No” Minho giggles, “But Hyune, you should ask him out. I’m typically never wrong with this kind of thing! I mean I’m the one that set up Seungmin and Changbin, AND I knew Hannie liked me before he even did! Trust my gut on this!”  

“Maybe I will hyung.”

“Please, because if I hear one more, ‘Jinnie’ this or ‘Jinnie’ that I’m gonna lose it!” Minho giggles, 

“Oh come on he’s just wondering!”

“You two are non stop talking, he should know these things by now, or ask you!! Why is he asking me?” Hyunjin blushes, 

“Awe my baby just doesn’t want to bother me!” he laughs, 

“My Baby” Minho mocks, “Innie this Hyunnie that you two are insufferable!” 

“Says you!! You and Jisung even have a ship name!”

“That’s Felix’s fault and you know it.” 

He wanted to ask him out, it wasn’t an issue, it really wasn’t- with Minho being oh so sure Jeongin might feel the same he didn’t really worry, and even if Jeongin rejected him it couldn’t be that bad right? Minho could be wrong but Hyunjin wants to believe he’s right, the way Minho explained the look Jeongin gives him, or how Jeongin is so sweet on him, how there were signs of flirting and interest. Hyunjin is confident he can do it. He can. Until Jeongin showed up to one of the normal hangouts with a boy on his arm. 

“Ah, Jeongin. Who is this?” Minho smiled as he opened the door to let them in, the two boys walking in giggling about something. 

“Hyungs, this is-” Hyunjin missed the name, or maybe he blocked it out “My boyfriend.” The look Minho gave him was the worst part, like he’d just watched his friend's heart break. Maybe it did, but having someone else acknowledge it made it feel even worse.

 Soon enough, Jeongin’s behaviour towards him started to shift. Sure they were still friends, close friends- but Jeongin wouldn’t sit as close as he used to, he stopped the small habits the two of them had gotten into. Like when Jisung and Minho wanted to watch a movie, even if his boyfriend wasn’t there he’d choose to sit away from Hyunjin on the floor. Sometimes when Hyunjin felt like he was a bit restless, Jeongin would let him play with his hands, pressing into his fingers like keys on a piano. Jeongin stopped letting him do it. Taking his hand back gently. 

Boundaries. Hyunjin knew he was setting boundaries, of course he was- Jeongin has just gotten into a relationship so of course he was drawing new lines for Hyunjin not to cross as someone who's just a friend and of course Hyunjin would respect them. He still had his friend, everything would be fine, but it didn’t feel any less shitty. 

Jeongin started responding to texts less frequently. Hyunjin kind of expected it. He knew Jeongin would be spending more time with his boyfriend but he didn’t think so far ahead into how much it would hurt to feel like he was slowly losing his friend. It shouldn’t hurt this bad. It shouldn’t bother him as much as it does, he shouldn’t care. Jeongin’s boyfriend wasn’t stealing away his friend, they were just doing what most couples do when everything is still fresh. Once the feeling of it being new, and the two of them fall into routine, things would go back to a normal-ish way and everything would be absolutely fine. Hyunjin just had to be patient! It’s not like this should be a big deal anyway, it was just a small crush on a friend. It happens all the time! He will get over it and later he’ll laugh about it with Minho about how they really thought that could have worked. 

It doesn’t hurt but it does scare Hyunjin. The first time seeing his tears fall to the floor and shatter lightly as they hit the wooden panels. He didn’t understand what was happening to him at that moment, all he knew was his tears crystallised. Sharp and falling in a plethora of colours. A quick google search later confirmed what he’d assumed it was. It doesn’t hurt, the first time Hyunjin noticed stars falling from his eyes, they came out in liquid form only solidifying into small crystal stars after exiting his tear ducts. He’s always known it was a possibility of this happening to him. No one is immune from it, but not everyone gets it; unfortunately Hyunjin did. The second worst part about developing star tears, was the confirmation of his love not being reciprocated. 

Jeongin starts talking to Hyunjin more often about a month and a half later, Hyunjin figures he’s starting to find the balance between his relationships now, and welcomes it wholeheartedly. It’s nice having Jeongin back. It may not be fully back to how it was before, but that’s just how it has to be.

“I think I want to look into- couple rings.” Jeongin states as he looks up at Minho and Jisung from the floor, Minho’s eyes shift to Hyunjin. It’s a bit uncomfortable. Minho just- knowing how the sentence may affect him. Hyunjin hates that he entertained the idea of being into Jeongin. It makes things weird. If it’s not Minho giving him a soft look of pity it’s the feeling in his stomach when he tells Jeongin he’s happy for him. It’s the sinking in his gut when Jeongin looks at him with those soft eyes, expecting some sort of answer. 

“I’m excited for you Innie.” That was the first time he lied to Jeongin. 

It’s not that he’s not happy for him, he is. It just hurts; and he’s not sure how to make it stop hurting. He can feel the lump in his throat beginning to build up, he can feel the way his chest tightens and his throat constricts, how it begins to feel like the air in the room is dissipating. He needs to get up, he needs to leave. 

“Jinnie?” Jisung says, bringing Hyunjin’s attention from the spot on the floor he was staring at, “are you okay? You look like you’re gonna be sick.” He doesn’t want to cry, he wants it to stop hurting, he doesn’t want to cry in front of his friends, in front of Jeongin. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. You’re better than this Hwang Hyunjin, you don’t cry over men! Men cry over you! You’re better than this, you’re better than this, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!! 

He’s not better than this.

“I, uh-” he chokes out, he can’t trust his voice for more than this sentence, he needs to get it out fast and leave even faster. “I think I ate something that’s making me sick, I’ll head out now.” He stands up as the other three watch him, Jisung and Jeongin watching him with concern and Minho with that knowing look. He hates it. Hyunjin silently slides on his shoes, throws his coat on, and slips out the door. The moment he steps out of Minho’s apartment his eyes water. He knows what to expect, cupping his cheeks as he lets the small crystal stars fall from his eyes. It wasn’t a far walk from Minho’s apartment, to his own. He could keep it together for the ten minute walk, he could- so he took a deep breath and started his walk. 

It took him five minutes to get home. Hyunjin doesn’t think he’s ever run so fast, but twenty seconds into his walk he could feel the burn coming back, his legs began sprinting before his brain could catch up with what he was doing. Trembling he slotted the key into the lock and burst through his door, breaking down in the darkness of the front hall of his apartment. Tiny stars clinked and shattered against the hardwood floor as he let out a choked sob. His heart hurt, and he couldn’t understand why it hurt so much. Jeongin is his friend, he should just be happy for him. 

When he finally finished, only left gasping for air as no more tears fell from his eyes he got up and turned on the lights. The light burns, and for a moment he thinks his vision has gone, blurred from the excessive crying, and rubbing his eyes. He gives himself a moment to adjust, but his vision doesn’t improve- while the blur has gone, and he can see clearly again, something still doesn’t feel right. Something is off. Maybe he’s just tired from everything. He makes his way to his kitchen, to grab a glass of water- dehydration from crying is a pain in the ass, he makes it to the living room before he finally notices what's wrong. The painting that hangs on the wall near his couch isn’t right. The vase of red roses he’d painted months prior was dull. The red didn’t stand out, the entire painting seems muted. Was it always like that? Hyunjins phone buzzes in his pocket, slowly he reaches for it as he still carefully studies his own painting, he could have sworn the colors were brighter than that. 

Min 🐈: You okay?

Hyune: Does this painting seem dull to you? [roses.jpg] 

Min 🐈: UH, looks the same as the last time you showed me, are you making more edits to it? I thought you were happy with it…? 

Hyune: It looks dull. 

 Min 🐈: I don’t think so, the colors are vibrant, unless you’re talking about the background but you told me doing anything too bright would be messy, that the contrast between the flowers and the background was ‘perfect’? Are you okay? 

Minho wouldn’t lie to him, he would tell Hyunjin the truth, even if Hyunjin didn’t want to hear it. Hyunjin’s heart sinks. Something’s wrong. 

Hyune: I’m fine.

Min 🐈: You don’t have to lie to me you know? I know you’re not sick Hyune, Sungie’s really worried about you having food poisoning so now I'm in the kitchen tryna make enough soup for you so he knows you at least have SOMETHING to eat. Jeongin’s wondering if there's anything he can do. 

 Hyune: There’s nothing he can do. 

Min 🐈: Don’t be like that Hyunnie.. 

Hyune: I’m fine, really. Tell them both I just need some rest. You don’t need to make me soup Min, if it was food poisoning I wouldn’t be able to keep anything down anyway. 

Min 🐈:  Promise? (I’m still gonna make soup.) 

Min 🐈:  Told them you’re fine.

Min 🐈:  Hyune… 

Min 🐈:  If it’s worth anything I’m sorry. 

Hyune: Don’t apologize for something that isn’t your fault. This shit happens, I’ll get over it. 

Min 🐈:  Yeah. 

Hyune: good night Min. 

Min 🐈: Good night Hyune, love you. 

Sleep, sleep will do him better right? Hyunjin finds himself crying again in bed. He can’t tell if he wishes to have wet pillows back versus the small sharp stars that fall throughout his bed. It feels like sleeping on crumbs, an annoyance- but he can’t be asked to get up and shake the bed off. Instead he falls asleep silently crying to himself. 

Hyunjin ignores his friends for another week. It’s not fun, he spends most of his days crying it out, when he’s not at work that is. If he can just get all of the pent up emotions out of him, then he can move on. Crying is healthy, it’s supposed to be therapeutic. It’s not. His vision worsens the more he cries, soon enough the painting of the roses looks grey. Like he’d painted it in an array of greys and blacks. He finds that reds, oranges, and yellows have faded from his world. Blues, greens and purples still linger. His phone buzzes everyday. He didn’t have the energy to check it. 

On Friday Hyunjin decides he should probably attempt to pretend to be normal. He peels himself out of his bed, which proves to be a harder task than he’d like it to be. Turns on the shower, and lets himself melt into the hot water. He washes his hair thoroughly, shampooing twice, using a deep conditioner. He scrubs his body until it’s red, and raw and allows himself to just be for a few minutes after. He towel dries his hair, throws a headband on, washes his face, brushes the knots out of his hair afterwards and throws on some comfortable clothes. Only after making a snack does he check his phone while brushing his teeth. 

Min 🐈: Boys are coming over, Seungmin and Bin might come by too, you coming? 

Min 🐈: Hey, feeling any better today? 

Min 🐈: Jisung is wondering if you’re gonna answer his message, told him you would when ur feelin better. 

Min 🐈: Day 3 without my best friend, I think i’m dying? I miss my hyune cuddles :( 

Min 🐈: Jeongin asked for you, said you hadn’t read his messages. Should I tell him to leave you alone? 

Min 🐈: TBH kinda good u didnt come over. Bin and Minnie ended up almost fucking on my couch… Jisung screamed so loud it gave me a headache… [edited] 

Despite his better judgement, he clicks on the edited message. 

Min 🐈: TBH kinda good u didnt come over. Bin and Minnie ended up almost fucking on the couch… I screamed so loud it gave Min a headache… Jeongin’s boyfriend was laughing so hard he spilled fucking wine on Min’s rug, should have seen him, ANSWER MY MESSAGES I MISS YOU!!!! - UR FAVOURITE OF THE GROUP (Jisung) 

Hyunjin’s heart hurts. Minho tried to spare him, but he can’t blame Jisung, he doesn’t know. He scrolls through his other messages. 

Sungie 🐿️: Dude, food poisoning sucks ass. Feel better soon!! 

 Sungie 🐿️: Minho made so much soup for you, should we drop it off or do you wanna come over and we can take care of you here? 

Sungie 🐿️: I HAVE TEAAAAA

Sungie 🐿️: OKAY So you know Chan right? He FIINALLLYYY asked out Lix, HOLY SHIT Like it took him fucking forEVERRRR

Sungie 🐿️: Dude, are you alive?

Sungie 🐿️: IF YOU FUCKING DIED ON ME IM GONNA RESSURECT YOU AND KILL U MYSELF 

Sungie 🐿️: I take it back Min said i cant kill u cuz he’d miss u 

Sungie 🐿️: Don’t tell him I told you 

Sungie 🐿️: Thursday night Jeongin and his bf are coming over, u wanna come hang out if ur feeling better? 

Sungie 🐿️: Are you in the hospital or some shit? 

Sungie 🐿️: Find my friends, says ur home :/ I guess ur not well yet. COME BACK TO MEEEEE

Sungie 🐿️:  ITS FLAT FUCK FRIDAY YOU FUCKIN LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! https://x.com/GatorsDaily/status/1859955044830847155

Hyunjin already knows what the link contains, but he clicks it anyway. He giggles a bit as the tune plays through his speakers. 

Hyune: Flat fuck friday never fails. 

An answer comes almost immediately 

Sungie 🐿️: HOLY SHIT YOU’RE ALIVE 

Hyune: My bad, aside from work I was taking time to rest. I’m good now. 

Sungie 🐿️: Fucking good cuz Jeongin got so fucking worried that I’m pretty sure he’s on his way to ur place rn

Panic is not strong enough of a word to describe what Hyunjin is feeling right now. 

Hyune: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN JEONGIN IS ON HIS WAY TO MY PLACE? WHAT IF I HAD TO WORK? WTF? 

Hyunjin rushes to his room, scrambling to read through the messages Jeongin had sent him, 

Innie: Hey you feeling okay?

Innie: You didn’t come chill with everyone, is it worse than you thought? 

Innie: Need ur help for something if thats okay? Whenever ur feeling better? 

Innie: I’m gonna stop by today to check in on u :/ 

Innie: Jisung said ur answering him, I’m like 2 seconds away in the elevator.

Hyunjins phone buzzes as he stares at the few messages.  

Innie: Open up, I'm outside! 

Fear? Panic? Anxiety? Maybe he’s feeling all of it, as he mindlessly walks to the door. He wasn’t really prepared to see anyone today, let alone Jeongin… Alone… It’s not like Jeongin hasn’t been to his apartment before, it’s not like they haven’t been in a room alone together before, but Hyunjin is still trying to figure out how to navigate his emotions. Still, he takes a deep breath and opens the door. 

“Holy shit I thought Jisung was lying when he said you were alive.” Jeongin says, giving Hyunjin the most devastatingly soft smile, “or are you a ghost or something?” 

“Or something.” Hyunjin finally manages to get out as the younger man walks into his home and makes his way into the living room. On a normal day he’d have been glad to have Jeongin over, but truthfully as much as he was feeling better about everything he isn’t the most comfortable being alone with Jeongin. He knows it’s a bit unfair to be this way over a crush, but how is one supposed to get over a crush, if said crush is sitting on his couch looking so soft, and concerned? “Sorry Innie, but what are you doing here?” Jeongin looks up at him, he looks a bit taken back by the question. 

“I was worried. No one had really heard from you all week, and you were sick.” He explains, 

“I’m fine Innie, it was just food poisoning and I had to work too. So it was just a long week.” You know, besides the crying. 

“Feeling better now?” Hyunjin can’t read the way Jeongin is looking at him. A mixture of concern, and it looks like some sort of question lingers on his mind. Perhaps it’s because Hyunjin has made no effort to sit down, he stands near the couch, on the opposite end Jeongin is sitting on- intentionally keeping that distance from him. 

“Yeah, better than before.” The silence that follows is worse than before, he was used to the silence of his home, but while Jeongin sat on his couch the silence seemed unbearable. The conversation lacks any kind of emotion on Hyunjin’s end but could anyone blame him? He’d just spent the week letting his emotions overflow, he’s been anxious, and scared, and a bit depressed- his energy is low and his social battery has yet to recharge to full. 

“That’s good Hyunjin, I’m glad.” Jeongin smiles up at him,  “I was wondering if you could help me with something today if you’re feeling better-” Jeongin looks down at the floor but Hyunjin could see the red creeping up from his cheeks to the tips of his ears, he’s embarrassed. “I asked MinSung if they could help but- I don’t know, no one has the eye for fashion like you do and they were barely any help when I was showing them the rings I was loo-” 

“Listen Innie-” he doesn’t even know what he wants to say, he just knows Jeongin needs to leave, it’s not fair to Jeongin. Hyunjin knows, he knows, trust him when he says he knows, but he can’t risk another crying fit especially not in front of him, he’s already felt so many emotions that week and his resolve is weak, one slip up and he’ll end up cutting out his heart and presenting it to Jeongin on a silver platter, and he knows how Jeongin will react. He’ll look at the monstrosity that is the bleeding heart stabbed and bruised from Hyunjin’s own doing, and he’ll look up at him with those eyes that scream ‘I’m sorry’, he’ll look at him with that same look Minho gave him- with pity. He’ll tell him he doesn’t feel the way, and then he’ll leave and probably never speak to him again. Overall telling Jeongin how he feels would be the worst thing to do, it’s better to just quietly get over his stupid little crush and move on “I have to work today, so I gotta get ready, we can hang out another time or something okay?” 

“Jisung said you were-” 

“They called before you got up here and asked me to cover Sunwoo’s shift. He’s got some exam coming up so he’s studying and-” 

“I understand.” Jeongin sounds defeated. Hyunjin’s heart bruises further. Jeongin leaves with a whispered ‘goodbye, enjoy work.’ and Hyunjin cries again once the door clicks shut. He can’t stand lying, he can’t stand being so cold to someone he cares about, he hates it. He turns his phone off, changes out of his clothes and slips on an oversized hoodie and sweats, and sleeps for the rest of the day. He thought he could do it, and socialize normally. He was wrong. 

Sunday comes around, and the cafe sits in silence as Hyunjin cleans the espresso machine. He somewhat regrets agreeing to go over to Minho’s place after work but it’s been a while since he’s truly hung out with his friends. He knows they’re not going to ask questions, they’ll just say  that they’re glad he’s feeling better and all that but something still makes his stomach churn about going over. His walk from the cafe to Minho’s apartment is silent. His headphones are on but nothing plays as he makes his way through the city. The most unpleasant part of walking to Minho’s apartment is that he almost misses a few of the cross walks changing from green to red. Lately, it seems all colours have begun to dull out. Still, he manages to get to Minho’s apartment in one piece. Hyunjin takes a moment to breathe before punching in the code in the lobby and making his way to the elevator. The elevator creaks as he steps into it, and presses the button to the eighth floor. There’s screaming coming from the apartment, and laughter. He doesn’t want to go in but he’s already here.

Quietly he walks inside, toeing off his shoes and makes his way down the hall to the living room where Jisung is up and yelling about something, while Jeongin and Minho laugh at him. 

“Jinnie!” Jisung yells the second he spots him, bolting towards him and almost tripping on air to hug him, “Fuck dude I missed you,” Hyunjin smiles, and gently pushes him off- he just walks to his usual spot on the couch flops face down onto it and sighs, get it together. The couch dips and a gentle hand is placed on his back,

“Long day?” Jeongin asks, as he rubs his hand up and down Hyunjin’s back in a soothing manner. Hyujin’s body tenses at the touch, get it fucking together. He nods, and groans into the couch cushion before pushing himself up to sit properly, to get Jeongin’s hand off him. “Awe Hyunjin, just rest for now!” Hyunjin almost winces, it’s been a while since Jeongin had used a nickname for him, but it still feels weird to hear his name coming from Jeongin. He’s not particularly a fan of it. Not his name, but the idea of going from a nickname to his full name. It feels like a divide, like a way of telling him that Jeongin no longer sees him as a friend. He knows it’s not true, but still it bothers him and more when Jeongin gets up to sit himself in his new spot on the floor. 

“Anyway what the fuck was going on when I walked in?” Jisung starts his rant from the top, and Hyunjin for a moment forgets about his worries. He laughs, and jokes and enjoys the company of his friends for a while. It’s nice to be around them even if he feels a slight disconnect. Turns out shutting everyone out leaves you open to missing things, inside jokes that Hyunjin needs explained to him, and comments he doesn’t understand but doesn’t seek clarification for. Jisung more than once brought up just how cute Jeongin and his boyfriend are and Hyunjin has been able to keep himself in check, he just smiles along. 

Minho makes kimchi jjigae for dinner, and the four of them continue on talking about everything and nothing. Minho wasn’t lying when he told him before he missed cuddling Hyunjin, and he made sure to prove it by curling up on the couch next to him placing his head on Hyunjins lap. Jisung plants himself right on top of Minho.

“Saps.” Jeongin giggles, and Hyunjin melts. Just because he can keep his composure doesn’t make him any less weak to the sound of Jeongin’s laugh, to his smile, and the way his eyes scrunch up when he smiles widely. He’s weak to the man that is Yang Jeongin, and as he sits on the couch running his hand through Minho’s hair it finally sinks in. Yang Jeongin to Hyunjin is the definition of perfection. His hair, his eyes, his smile and laughter, his soft personality and the way he carries himself with humble confidence, how intelligent he is and how he’s an incredibly hard worker. It’s the way Jeongin was always sweet on Hyunjin, always attentive and caring to him, and how he was protective of him. It hurts. “It’s getting late, I should head out” 

“I should head out too honestly,” Hyunjin sighs, Minho whines in his lap at the loss of Hyunjin’s fingers running through his hair. 

“I’ll walk with you,” Hyunjin should say no to Jeongin’s offer, but how could he say no to him. 

The walk isn’t long but it’s silent, Hyunjin thinks the city looks interesting. The lights shimmering like stars. Hyunjin cringes, he wishes he didn’t make that connection, the benefit to living in the city is that there’s enough light pollution to dull out the actual stars, and for some reason he finds comfort in that. “I hope it stays that way.” he says without thinking, or maybe he was just thinking out loud. It doesn’t really matter though because Jeongin is staring deep into his phone. 

“Sorry- what did you say?” Jeongin locks his phone and slips it into his pocket, looking to Hyunjin, “I was uh- texting-”

“If your boyfriend is texting you, don’t ignore him Innie,” Hyunjin smiles softly, 

“It’s just-” 

“You shouldn’t have walked with me anyway, you live in the opposite direction.” 

“Oh I- well” Jeongin takes a deep breath, “Friday I asked for help, and today there was just so much going on I couldn’t ask and- I still wanted to ask for the help.” 

“Ah, I see.” Trapped, I feel trapped. “Shoot.” Jeongin smiles brightly, Hyunjin’s heart bruises once more. It was healing so well. Jeongin quickly brings his phone back out and scrolls through a few pictures, Hyunjin catches a glimpse of one of Jeongin and his boyfriend together. Cute. Finally Jeongin hands him the phone, a picture of two hoodies on the screen. He can’t quite make out the colors of the hoodies, they’re a bit dull but he does note that they’re supposed to be subtly matching. 

“I talked it out with the guys, and I was being a bit impulsive about a couple ring and all that, I just like accessories, you know?” The way Jeongin blushes adds another bruise, Jeongin raises his hands to show off the plethora of rings, on long pretty fingers. “But he doesn’t really wear rings, and it’s a bit soon to even consider that, I’ve just- I calmed down. I figured a hoodie would be a better gift you know? I just want to be a good boy-”
 

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me Innie. You are a good boyfriend,”

“I don’t know-” 

“This isn’t your first relationship is it?” 

“Well no but still I can be better-”

“Yang Jeongin, you  are one of the most caring, attentive, and beautiful souls I’ve ever met. You’re sweet, and always try to make people happy. You're a good listener, a good friend, and you’re absolutely adorable. Whatever flaws you think you have, I can’t find them. I haven’t been able to find one in you since I met you. So don’t worry about being better, be yourself. He loves you, and he’s going to love whatever gift you get him.” They’re now both standing outside of Hyunjin’s apartment building, as Hyunjin slides Jeongin’s phone back into his hand gently. Jeongin is looking up at him with the most beautiful look of vulnerability as he lets the statement sink in. Hyunjin meant every word. 

“You think so?” He whispers, 

“If you love him, and he loves you- any gift you give him whatever it may be, like your time,”  because being given even a second of your time should be considered a gift, “Your attention,” because your  attention could beat any physical gift,  “your affection” because your affection is something you rarely give out, and is never to be taken lightly- a gift so grand you no one can ignore it.  “Or something physical. He will love it.” because any gift from you is something that should be cherished. Hyunjin feels the threat of tears beginning to build up, his own insecurities needed to wait so he could remedy his friends doubts about himself, but the thread keeping him together is running thin, and by the way it tenses, it’s about to snap. “Okay stop looking at me like a sad little fox. I mean it okay? Stop doubting yourself.” Please don’t notice.

“Thank you. Hyunjin.” 

“Enough with this, the grey one is nice.” 

“Grey? Hyunjin, this one’s blue.” 

“I looked at the design and got distracted trying to build your confidence, excuse me for prioritizing my bab-” he shouldn’t call him that, “my friend’s concerns about himself over the colour of a hoodie.” It’s said playfully, he hopes Jeongin doesn’t catch his slip up. 

“Yeah, yeah whatever,” another soft giggle means another painful bruise for Hyunjin. “Thank you though, seriously.” 

“Anytime.” Normally, he’d hug Jeongin goodbye but tonight, he doesn't have any energy left.  He spins on his heels, waves Jeongin off and makes his way home. 

He cries himself to sleep, once more. 

Painting. Painting is something Hyunjin has always loved, a passion of his. A fantastic way to convey emotion, it’s therapeutic to Hyunjin. But when he woke up the next day only to find the world in shades of grey, he couldn’t help but cry. He’s not only losing Jeongin in a way, but now he’s losing his main coping method. Hyunjin paints when he’s happy, he paints when he’s sad, he paints when he’s bored, he loves it more than any hobby. So when the stars fall to the ground and he realizes they all fall in black, white and grey he loses his composure. Throwing himself into a canvass, painting away the entire day. He’s guessing wildly at each colour praying it looks okay but once it’s finished, he can’t stand to look at it. 

Hyunjin needs to distract himself and his first though, is Minho 

Hyune: You busy?

Min 🐈: Not at all whats up? 

Hyune: Can we get drunk and talk about shit that doesn’t matter? 

Min 🐈: It’s 1 pm.

Min 🐈: Be there in 20

As promised, Minho arrives twenty minutes later with a rather large bottle of red wine. 

“Painting today?” Minho asks curiously, 

“You can tell?” 

“Babe, you’re covered in paint.” Minho giggles, 

“Oh shit, I got completely distracted after texting you and didn’t wash up- give me a few minutes!” Hyunjin rushes to the washroom, finding his skin care products and wet wipes to begin the process of ridding himself of the water colour left on his skin. 

“Hyunjin?” Minho calls a few minutes later, “Why didn’t you tell me you started getting into abstract art?”

“I didn’t.” He yells back, finally ridding himself of the paint he somehow managed to get on his face, 

“What?” Minho’s tone  is clearly more confused. Hyunjin makes his way into the spare bedroom where Minho stands staring at his latest piece, he looks confused; as though he couldn’t make out what it is. Like the painting in front of him makes no sense to him, “Hyune, I can’t really tell what this is I’m sorry. Maybe I’m just not as well versed in art-” Minho looks disappointed, surely he thinks he’s offended him. 

“What does it look like, Minho?” He whispers, he can feel the lump in his throat swelling, tears beginning to swell in his eyes, to Hyunjin the painting was a dull landscape. Meticulously placed blades of grass and the gradient sky of a setting sun, a willow tree branches gently sweeping in the wind placed at the center. At least, that’s what he had hoped for, he couldn’t tell anymore; not since the stars took away his ability to see colour.   

“I mean I guess it’s a tree in a field right?” Minho must think he’s testing him, “but the colours don’t blend and- if this is grass, is it dying? Is that why it’s patches of brown and yellow? The sky being a bright green is a statement I guess? But the tree being like- neon yellow really fucking clashes with it’s back drop-” Hyunjin’s heart sinks, yes most pallets have colour names written on them but Hyunjin wasn’t paying attention, he was too distracted by the panic and now- now it feels like his heart has been ripped from his chest. 

“None of it was intentional.” He whispers, fearing his own voice would betray him. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I can’t see the colours, Minho.” 

“What?” Minho turns around so fast it would leave Hyunjin spinning if he wasn’t already looking at the ground, “What the fuck do you mean you can’t see the colours?” There’s no use in holding back tears while telling Minho about the issue, what good would it do if Minho couldn’t see the problem directly? So he doesn’t hold back, he let’s it out while Minho stands stunned watching as the tiny stars crash to the ground, 

“Everything is grey Min…” Hyunjin sobs. His legs are beginning to shake, and he’s sure his knees will give out but it doesn’t matter, nothing matters, all he can do is cry. 

Minho never thought too hard about the stars. They’re just- there. Pretty, but they’re a constant, and he hasn’t taken the time to really stop to look at them in a while. Seeing stars is an interesting expression, one that can be used to explain a physical sensation, or to describe a feeling, an intense sensation. Today Minho is seeing stars, in the most literal way possible. Watching them as they fall from Hyunjin’s eyes. It must be painful, it must be terrifying. 

Minho’s heard of the condition, but it was thought to be rare enough that most people don’t concern themselves with it. No one expects to be the one to get it, and Minho didn’t expect to see his best friend sobbing out tiny pieces of glass. In a way, he knows what it means to cry stars; from what he’s read online the stars are supposed to be vibrant, in almost a magical way; Hyunjin’s stars have no colour.  

After Hyunjin had cried his eyes out on Minho’s shoulder, after Minho had half a  bottle of wine alongside him, he finally got it out of Hyunjin what's been happening to him. Minho feels awful. He knows it’s not his fault, but he also accepts fault at pushing Hyunjin to consider that Jeongin may have had some sort of interest in him. No one could have predicted Jeongin showing up to the hangout Hyunjin had chosen to confess to him at, with a boy on his arm. 

Drinking out of sadness is not something Minho condones, it leads to places… but tonight, he’d made the exception. Sometimes you really do need a drink to get it all out. Hyunjin wasn’t alone, and Minho was there to make sure he was okay, and if he ever found out Hyunjin did it alone he’d sit him down and talk some sense into him; or maybe he’s justifying allowing it a bit too much, the thing is-  he’d never seen Hyunjin cry so hard. Sure Jisung and Hyunjin had been friends for longer, and he’s really only known Hyunjin for half a year but that’s his best friend, his best friend who comes to him for everything, his best friend he’s seen happy, sad, angry, and everything in between. His best friend, when seeing him cry, broke his heart. So he allowed it. When Hyunjin eventually tired himself out, Minho tucked him into bed and let Jisung know he’d be staying over. He wasn’t tired, he was too worried to sleep. Sighing as he collects the little dull stars from around the apartment. Minho spent the night researching what any of it meant, why his stars lacked colour. 

Learning Hyunjin could lose his sight completely scared Minho. He’s not even sure how long Hyunjin had been dealing with it alone; all he knew was as the colours from Hyunjin’s vision faded, so would the stars. As though they dragged the colour from his vision with every tear he shed; soaking the color up like sponges-  and discarding them. He also learned that Hyunjin’s loss of colour was faster than most of the online boards explained. Every time he cried, he’d lose more colour; and if he continues in this way the more he loses. Some articles say that at most he’ll lose the ability to regain the colours, some say he’ll go completely blind. Neither option is a good one. What's he supposed to say or do in this kind of situation? 

According to Hyunjin, nothing. 

“It’s fine Min, eventually I’ll get over it and move on.” Hyunjin gives him a weak smile, 

“If you don’t you’ll go blind-” 

“And that doesn’t scare me as much as completely losing my friend.”

“But it should-” Minho sighs, “Losing your sight should scare the fuck out of you. A boy isn’t worth losing your world Hyunjin, your ability to see, to create art to-”

“But it doesn’t Min. It doesn’t. I’ll be okay, I will.”

And that was that. Minho knows better than to argue with a hard headed Hyunjin who’s made up his mind. Hyunjin is stubborn, and once his mind is set on something it's hard to change it, but still that doesn’t make it okay in Minho’s head, or heart. He knows he can’t tell Jeongin. Jeongin who’s blissfully unaware of the thing he’s stealing from Hyunjin. Hyunjin would kill him if he told Jeongin, and on the other hand what would that change? Would going to Jeongin really do anything at all? Would Jeongin feel bad? Would he rush to be with Hyunjin in hopes to save his vision? Would that even work if Jeongin didn’t truly love Hyunjin back? Or would they both be miserable; Hyunjin losing his vision until they both decide it isn’t working while Jeongin would have given up the relationship he’s currently happy in to force himself into something with someone he wouldn’t have loved prior to finding out about his condition? It wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t help anyone. 

Minho feels helpless and he’s not even the one losing his vision. After he left Hyunjin who insisted he’d be fine getting to work alone; Minho went home and spent the majority of the day on his couch. even if Minho knows Jisung would notice something’s off with him instantly,  it’s not his place to say anything. He can’t just tell Jisung what’s going on with Hyunjin if he himself hasn’t said a word to him; and honestly Minho understands why Hyunjin hasn’t told Jisung. Minho knows in his heart the first thing Jisung would do is tell Felix, who would ultimately tell Chan, and Chan would tell Changbin out of need for advice, and Changbin would tell Seungmin, who would one hundred percent tell Jeongin because no secret is truly a secret within their friend group. Minho sighs deeply into one of his throw pillows. 

“Hi baby,” Jisung says lightly, crossing from the entrance to the couch. Minho forgot he was supposed to come over. “You look stressed.” 

“Stressed is an understatement.” Minho says blandly. He doesn’t mean to come off cold or anything it just happens, and yes he is stressed. Stressed about Hyunjin’s overall health, stressed about having to keep it a secret, stressed about how he’s going to be able to face Jeongin ever again knowing how much hurt he’s causing Hyunjin, stressed about knowing he can’t even ask for help, or advice, or for someone to even listen to his concerns because that would be breaking Hyunjin’s trust. 

“What’s going on my love?” Jisung is so sweet, oh he really is the nicest person Minho has ever met. Minho wants to curl up in Jisungs lap, and cry into his chest about how he’s worried. He wants to crack open his skull and let the thoughts pour out from within. He wants to let Jisung poke and prod at his brain until they can find a solution, but would Hyunjin allow for it? Would Hyunjin forgive him? He can’t, he won’t. It’s Hyunjin’s story to tell, not his. 

“Just work, you know? A lot.” Jisung hums in understanding, lying to him feels so wrong. Even if it’s just the smallest lie, it’s another weight on Minho’s shoulder. Minho takes a deep breath “it’ll be okay I think, just gotta be prepared for absolutely everything.” 

“Didn’t know playing with cats all day was this stressful,” Jisung jokes, Minho stares back, 

“I do not play with cats all day! Do you know how much work goes into running a rescue?” 

“I know love, you do so much and the animals love you. I was just joking, thought it may make you feel better I’m sorry,” Minho thinks he doesn’t deserve the man that is Han Jisung, how could anyone be so sweet? “But seriously Min if the shelter needs help I can come in on my days off and help you out.”

“It’s fine, just understaffing and one of the dogs is sick- and”

“And you’re worried because that’s who you are as a person, you care so much for each one of them. It’s okay to be stressed about it, but it’s also okay to ask for help sometimes,” Jisung smiles warmly at him, that devastatingly cute heart shaped smile makes Minho melt. Of course he’d offer to help out, sweet, beautiful Jisung. 

“I’ll be okay, if I need the help I’ll tell you. Anyways let me get started on dinner,”  he needs to be less obvious if he intends to keep this from Jisung. Cooking is a good way of getting his mind off things. 

It’s been three days since Minho last saw Hyunjin. He wants to check in on him, but every time he asks if he can come over Hyunjin says he has work. Minho believes it, of course he does; Hyunjin works a lot, and knowing Hyunjin he’s probably picked up more shifts to keep himself busy instead of worrying about his situation, but still it’s not comforting knowing he’s putting his energy into the cafe instead of seeing a doctor. Supposedly there’s eye drops or surgeries Hyunjin can do to help slow down the rate of vision loss but Hyunjin won’t even consider it. ‘I’ll be okay’ is all he says. Even if Hyunjin gets over Jeongin, is the damage reversible? There’s not enough information online to know for sure. Some people say they got their vision back while others say they still to this day have a cloudy haze over their eyes, and Minho can’t find anyone who’s gone completely blind yet, which is exactly where Hyunjin is headed. His phone buzzing takes him completely out of his head. 

Big Dick Energy

My Love😍: Remember 6 pm tonight, Mins place. You’re all coming idgaf.

Bin 💪: Yeah yeah Seungmin and I are bringing drinks so send the list of what you guys want. 

Chan🐺: Felix & I are gonna be late by like half hour, gotta pick him up from work then we’ll head over

Innie🦊: @Hyunnie🥟❣️ You’re coming right? 

Felix😇: HE HAS TO, ITS BEEN WEEKS!!

Seungmin🐶: ^

Hyunnie🥟❣️: Work till 8 if I’m not tired I’ll stop by.

Innie🦊 has added 020-333-0325 to the chat

My Love😍: Oh yay! Now everyone’s here! Anyways Hyune want me to pick you up from work? 

020-333-0325: oh, hi! 

Innie 🦊: sorry for adding randomly it’s just easier than constantly switching chats when I’m @ work!

Chan 🐺: ohh hi 

Felix😇: WELCOME TO THE FAMILYYYY

Seungmin 🐶: Dysfunctional ass family lmfao 

Bin💪: Welcome!

Minho stares at the chat, this can’t be happening. This really can’t be fucking happening. The chat is silent for a few minutes, Minho doesn’t even know what to say. 

My Love😍: @Hyunnie🥟❣️ ?? 

Hyunnie🥟❣️: Welcome, also nah I’m fine. I’ll let you know if I’m coming or not- jaehyun called out again -.- gtg working— busy ass day.

Felix😇: someone’s gotta fire Jaehyun… 

Me: Have a good day at work Hyunjinnie 🥰🥰🥰🥰

My Love😍: WHY DID HE GET A HAVE A GOOD DAY? 

020-333-0325: Thank you! I’ll see you guys later tonight, I’m excited to meet everyone (that I haven’t met yet) 

Innie 🦊: you’re gonna love them, I’m so excited 🥹🤍

Minho looks at the dog he’s currently feeding. It stares up at him with pleading eyes as he pours a fresh bowl of water for him. “Do I even add his contact into my phone?” He asks the small beagle, it tilts its head as he speaks, “I mean I guess if he’s part of the group now I kinda have to huh.” He opens the contact and punches in a quick name then places his phone on ‘do not disturb’ locks it and shoves it in his pocket. He’s got other things to worry about then the fact that he’s going to have eight people in his apartment tonight. Like making sure Hyunjin is alright. 

It’s a five minute drive from the shelter to the cafe Hyunjin works at. He could have just called him but Minho knows Hyunjin wouldn’t have picked up. Especially if he said he’s busy, but when Minho walks in he sees only a few customers sipping away at their drinks. There he sees Hyunjin meticulously cleaning one of the espresso machines. 

“Jinnie?” Hyunjin jumps at the sound of his voice, clearly he hadn’t heard Minho walk in. 

“Shit Min, have you been waiting long?” Hyunjin physically looks alright but something still seems off and he can’t quite place what it is. 

“No not at all, I just got here.”

“Oh good, you want your usual then?” Minho nods, still trying his best to figure out what seems so off. The door swings open, and in walks Jaehyun.

“Hyunjin!” When he calls out, Hyunjin freezes. Scrunching his nose like this wasn’t something he expected, “thanks for covering closing for me tonight, you’re a real one.” He smiles, Hyunjin’s body fully shudders but still he turns and smiles at Jaehyun. 

“No problem, need the money anyway. What are you doing here?” Jaehyun stops at the counter, he acknowledges Minho in a slight nod. 

“I need like a dozen cookies. Any of them will do,” Hyunjin nods, and as Hyunjin waits for the espresso for Minho's drink to finish he begins plucking random cookies from the display. “You’d think someone who’s quitting this god awful job would want less shifts not more.” Jaehyun laughs, 

“The jobs not that bad. And like I said. Need the money.” Hyunjin is being far too polite, it’s robotic. It’s not himself. 

“Then don’t quit, who the fuck else am I gonna talk to if you leave?” 

“You’ll manage.” Hyunjin forces a laugh and hands Jaehyun his order. 

“Yeah whatever man, fuck you for abandoning me.” The other jokes, he takes his box and starts to walk out, “also,” he says just before he leaves, “those contacts you're wearing look nice, send me the link to where you got them because I’ve been wanting a lighter colour too.” Hyunjin nods,  and Jaehyun walks out with his cookies in hand. 

“Sorry for the wait Min, here’s your coffee.” Hyunjin hands Minho his drink, and Minho stares. Shamelessly, stares. Hyunjin had cried earlier and he can see it now. The red from his eyes is fading but his irises are a very pale brown.a bit lighter than an amber but they’re definitely not his natural colour. 

“You’re quitting?” Minho questions,

“Kinda have to if I can barely see. Not being able to read the menu board is kind of annoying, you know?” Hyunjin sighs, “Listen Min, I’ve got shit to do. Let’s talk later okay?” Hyunjin is pleading, and Minho can’t do anything but agree because his lunch break is about to be up. 

“Okay.” Is all he says before he leaves the shop. 

His house is so loud. Which is expected when seven other men are currently drinking and playing some game Felix brought, in his living room. He’s just finished preparing dinner for everyone but he can’t help but look at the clock. It’s only seven, but there’s still no update from Hyunjin on if he’ll be showing up. The boys all cheer at something going on in the game but Minho is far too distracted to know what’s going on. He wants Hyunjin to text, he wants him to say he’s on his way, or something really. Anything is better than the silence of his phone. Jisung looks at him from his spot beside Felix, opening his mouth to say something but Minho's wish comes true in that moment. 

Big Dick Energy

Hyunnie🥟❣️:  off earlier than I thought. Stopping by to say hi cant stay long. Opening shift tmrw. 

My Love😍: Everyone cheered 

Bin 💪: ? I thought you were off tmrw? 

Chan🐺: Cant wait see u soon

Felix😇: can u bring me one of ur muffins?

Hyunnie🥟❣️: already have them 

Felix😇: oh my god I’m gonna suck your dick so fucking good when you get here

Seungmin🐶: in front of Chan is wild

Chan 🐺: oh!

Jeongin: c u soon!

Me: No dick sucking in my apartment pls 

My Love😍: there go my plans for later. 

Jeongin: ew 😭😭

My Love😍: ew? Ew??? Chat Jeongin’s shaming me for sucking dick

Felix😇: ☹️☹️ don’t knock it before you try it damn. Now I feel bad for ur mans

Jeongin: … 

Jeongins bf: no need to feel bad, we both get what we want from each other 😉

Me: keep the sex shit out of my damn chat I’m trying to drink in peace. 

Shutting down that conversation quickly was Minho’s first priority. He looks over where Jeongin and his boyfriend sat basically on top of each other, he can barely hold back his scowl as he watches Jeongins boyfriend giggle at him. There are some things you don’t announce to a chat full of people you barely know, and Minho thinks their sex life is one of them. Maybe it’s a bit petty of him, he shouldn’t care really. It’s not like they don’t all say things that are out of pocket, but they barely know the guy. Conversation continues as they wait for Hyunjin to arrive. Minho can barely look up from his phone. Silently he wishes that he’d have just cancelled the plans, but he knows that would have just raised more questions. Questions he would have to pretend not to have answers to. 

The boys all laugh and chat around him, but the room feels like it’s shrinking. Each time he looks up from his phone whenever someone calls for him, the room shrinks. He sees them all happy, Chan sitting smiling at Felix who’s cuddled up beside him, Seungmin and Changbin gesturing wildly as they both claim the other chested in their game. Jisung is talking loudly with Jeongin’s boyfriend about something, and Jeongin, who stares at the door like if he looks at it long enough Hyunjin will arrive quicker. Minho scrunches his nose, Jeongin staring at the door is going to piss him off. He doesn’t understand why Jeongin is waiting on Hyunjin like this. He has a boyfriend to entertain but instead it’s Jisung doing so. The door clicks open and like a dog with perked ears whos waited all day for it’s human to come home, Jeongin is the first one up and making his way towards him. It annoys Minho even more. Minho gets up from his spot, making his way to Hyunjin with a hurried step. He wants to get to him first, he has to get to him first. Hyunjin barely has his shoes off before Minho gets to him. Wrapping him up in a tight hug. Jeongin stands slightly further behind him watching the scene. 

“Who’s behind you?” Hyunjin whispers, Minho’s throat feels like it’s closing. He didn’t think it was this bad, he thought Hyunjin was joking about not being able to read the menu board but he can’t even see Jeongin a few feet away from them. 

“Jeongin.” He whispers back, Hyunjin squeezes him a bit tighter; Minho can hear him take a deep breath and slowly releases him from the hug smiling brightly at Jeongin. Jeongin moves to give Hyunjin a hug, but Hyunjin doesn’t react. The hug is brief from Hyunjin’s end, letting Jeongin go as quickly as possible. In all their time being friends, Minho has never seen Hyunjin hug him for such a short amount of time. The others notice quickly that Hyunjin has arrived all crowding around, when Felix walks up and gives him a hug and drags him back to the couch Jeongin still stands in his spot staring out at Hyunjin. He looks hurt, but something deep down in Minho doesn’t care. He doesn’t feel bad for the youngest who stands there wondering why Hyunjin hadn’t even made an effort to talk to him. 

“It’s been almost a month since we’ve last seen you where the fuck have you been?” Felix asks, curious about Hyunjin's whereabouts. Minho sits down, still Jeongin doesn’t move from his spot. Hyunjin is busy explaining to the others he’d been sick and then picked up more shifts to make up for the ones he lost while being sick- he never makes mention of the fact he’s going blind. Minho is watching everyone cheerfully talk with Hyunjin, something twists in his stomach. How can Hyunjin pretend to be happy with his friends when he’s going through so much? The sinking feeling is worse when Jeongin slowly makes his way back to the group again, with a small smile on his face. His boyfriend wrapping Jeongin up in his arms when he sits beside him on the floor. They whisper something to each other and Minho sees how Jeongin’s boyfriend tightens his arms around him, while shooting a quick glance at Hyunjin. Another whisper, Jeongin nods. 

“Hyunjinnie,” Jeongin says shyly, a sour taste resides in Minho's mouth at the use of a nickname. After months of Jeongin defaulting to calling him just ‘Hyunjin’ he chooses now to use it? 

“What’s up Jeongin?” Hyunjin follows Jeongins voice looking towards him even if he can’t really see him Hyunjin plays his part well. Jeongin freezes. Minho knows exactly what it was to make him stare back at Hyunjin as though he’d seen a ghost. Hyunjin’s tone wasn’t as soft, it wasn’t the tone he often uses with Jeongin, he didn’t call him Innie. 

“I uh- you” Jeongin stutters, he’s clearly confused and a pained look sweeps across his face. “You remember-”

“It’s good to see you again Hyunjin, we didn’t get to fully get to know each other the first time we met so I’m glad you’re here.” Jeongin’s boyfriend smiles, Minho wants to kick everyone out. Hyunjin ends up staying an hour after Jeongin and his boyfriend leave, he isn’t himself but he’s putting up an award winning performance. They talk about everything and nothing together and when he leaves it’s with a silent goodbye and nothing more. The room is silent as they all watch the door close behind Hyunjin who’d bumped into the couch while leaving. No one says anything. Seungmin is the one to break the silence. 

“Alright, since no one else is gonna say anything I’ll say what we’re all thinking. That,” Seungmin points to the door, “that was not Hyunjin.” A few of them stare at Seungmin like he’d said something insane. “What?” Seungmin looks around the room. “Are you guys joking? You didn’t notice?” Of course it would be Seungmin, it’s always the ever perceptive Seungmin. 

“What do you mean that wasn’t Hyunjin, he was just tired from work or something.” Chan tries, but Seungmin isn’t having it. 

“Christopher Bang, do you need me to spell it out for you?” Seungmin stares daggers into Chan, “first off he arrives and doesn’t announce his presence. When the fuck has Hyunjin ever made a silent appearance?”

“He was tired Minnie you can tell…” Changbin voices. 

“That wasn’t tired,” Seungmin groans in frustration, “okay well how about the fact that he wouldn’t speak unless spoken to? Hyunjin if not anything could rival you with how loud he is; you don’t think him being so quiet is, I don’t know, weird?” 

“Seungmin-”

“No Felix, don’t Seungmin me. Fucking fine. Let’s blame it on him being tired but how about the fact that Jeongin walks up to give him a hug and he practically pushed him away like Jeongin had burnt him? Or the fact he didn’t even make an effort to sit near him, or how-”

“Seungmin.” Minho warns. His voice is sharp, his eyes are locked on to Seungmin who stares back in challenge, 

“Jinnie was probably just letting Jeongin and his boyfriend be, you know how their friendship can be misinterpreted sometimes. He was being respectful.” Jisung says, Seungmin stands up, clearly heated. He knows something is wrong but no one else is understanding him, no one else is seeing what Seungmin sees, no one knows what Minho knows.

“I’ve never heard him call Innie, Jeongin. Fuck from my perspective it even took Innie back a bit- Hyunjin’s clearly upset about something, maybe they’re fighting, maybe something happened, but Hyunjin’s barely spoken to us in weeks and then he shows up looking like he’s had his soul fucking snatched and he barely acknowledged Jeongin and-”

“SEUNGMIN.” Minho yells, the entire group looks back at him. “Stop. Talking.” 

“No, you don’t get to talk either. I saw how you looked at innie. I saw how you turned away from him and did your fucking best to stay away from Dongha. You were so far into your phone you ignored him asking you something twice Minho!” It’s like the world falls away, and it’s only Seungmin and Minho staring at each other. A silent battle of looks. 

“You know something.” Felix whispers. “Did Hyunnie and Innie fight?” 

“No.” Minho whispers. The room is spinning, he can’t do this. He can’t do this right now, he really can’t do this. 

“What do you know Min?” Felix asks, Minho can feel the tears forming in his eyes. He can’t. He shouldn’t. This can’t be happening, Seungmin shouldn’t have said anything. How is he supposed to keep things from them, his best friends, his family. How is he supposed to let Hyunjin continue down the path he’s chosen? He feels like a horrible friend, a friend who lies to the people he cares the most about, a friend who silently accepts his best friend's decision. He should’ve fought Hyunjin harder, he should have told Hyunjin he wouldn’t accept his decision because how could a man like Hyunjin, a man who believes in eternal love, a man who can find beauty in the ugliest of situations, a man who sees the world so uniquely and full of life, love and color, how could he let him lose all of that. 

“Min?” Jisung says softly. Minho blinks, his cheeks feel wet. He’s crying. “Baby, what’s wrong, talk to us.” Jisung is wrapping him up in his arms, sitting him down on the couch. Minho can feel his resolve slowly shredding to pieces. His phone vibrates on the table, an incoming call. “When did you change Jeongin’s contact name?” Jisung asks, the others quickly turn to Minho’s  phone that lay face up on the coffee table. 

“Decline the call.” Minho shudders, Jisung just watches the phone ring. “I said. Decline the call.” No one moves, “if you want me to talk decline the fucking call!” Minho is shaking, his tears are falling hot across his cheeks. Changbin declines the call. They all stare in anticipation. In worry. Minho needs to calm down, he needs to remind himself that he’s not a bad friend for telling them. He’s just worried, and he needs his friends to lean on. 

“Min?” Chan whispers, bringing a hand to Minhos' back. “What’s happening?” 

“Do you know how fucked it is, to carry a secret so heavy that you can’t tell if keeping it would be worse than telling someone?” Minho shakes, “do you know how hard it is to see them together, wondering why their happiness brings so much fucking sadness, and how knowing that the person it hurts the most, instead of doing anything about it would rather suffer than admit he’s hurt.” No one makes a sound, no one even breathes. “Hyunjin’s in love with him,” Minho sobs, “and Jeongin not loving him back is stealing so much from him.” 

“Stealing?” Jisung asks, “wait I’m confused.” No one else in the room understands either, but again it’s Seungmin who speaks up. 

“He’s got it.” Seungmin whispers, stepping back until he can collapse on the couch. “You’re lying, tell me you’re lying.” Minho shakes his head, he wishes he was lying; he wishes it was some sort of sick nightmare he could wake up from. Sure it’s not a lethal illness, but to love someone so much you’d be willing to be blinded by the stars for them. That’s some sort of sick joke on the idea of love that Minho wishes was never made. 

“I’m confused, he’s in love with innie but innie is stealing from him, but Hyunjin has something?” Jisung asks, 

“Holy shit.” It finally hits Felix, “wait isn’t that incredibly rare? Like only-”

“Hyunjin’s in the one percent.” Seungmin says, 

“Can you guys stop talking like this and tell us what the hell this means? One percent of what!?” Changbin snaps, 

“Hyunjin has star tears.” Felix mumbles. He looks like he’s going to cry. 

“He has what?”

“It’s a disease so rare only one percent of the population gets it.” Seungmin explains, “basically people with it have to be careful about falling in love.” 

“Why?” Chan questions, still soothing s sobbing Minho. 

“Because if their love is unrequited they cry stars, and the longer the sickness progresses the more damage it does. Hyunjin is going blind by continuing to want innie.” 

“He sat so far away from them because he couldn’t see them from where he was.” Minho chokes on his spit, “he couldn’t see him at the door, he-”

“How long has this been going on?”

“The day Jeongin brought Dongha over- he was going to confess and-”

“He got sick and left early.” Jisung finishes, the room is quieter than before. It’s suffocating. Minho wants to bury himself. 

“Does innie know?”

“No. Hyunjin doesn’t want him to know. He didn’t want you guys knowing. What would it even do? It’ll just make him feel bad and-” Seungmin’s knee bounces as he thinks. There’s nothing anyone can do. Unless Jeongin decides that he’s actually in love with Hyunjin, or unless Hyunjin suddenly decides he’s no longer in love with Jeongin- nothing will get better. 

“I didn’t mean to hurt him-” Jeongin chokes from behind them, 

“Innie…” Felix says, no one had heard the door opening. No one knows how long Jeongin had been standing in the hall before making his presence known. Everyone turns to him, 

“I- I didn’t know Minho- I didn’t I swear-” he sobs, “Min believe me please- I didn’t mean to hurt him- I didn’t want to steal from him- I didn’t- I would never hurt him- I wouldn’t- Minho believe me, Minho- Minho please believe me- I-” Jeongin begs, Chan gets up rushing to Jeongin who holds his stomach as he crumples to the floor. Minho wants to feel bad, he wants to - want to rush to Jeongin, scoop him up and tell him everything’s okay, but the memories of Hyunjin sobbing to him rush back and all Minho feels is anger. 

“You pushed him away.” Minho seethes, he stands up walking towards Jeongin and Chan. “You stopped calling him by nicknames when you know it hurts him, makes him feel like you don’t like him anymore.” Jeongin stares up at Minho, his eyes puffy and red sd more tears stream from them, “you stopped texting, and then suddenly you’re at his house asking him for advice like you didn’t just cast him aside, then you’re asking him for opinions on couple items- rubbing it in his face how he chooses to love you and loses so much but still he helps you pick out the fucking item. You add your boyfriend to a chat and start talking about how your sex life is oh so good right? Then -” Minho hasn’t seen red like this in time, his mind is blank, nothing but pain guiding his thoughts, “tonight you hug him and look at him like you care?”

“I do care- Minho- Minho I do care I swear- I care so much about him- I care- I do i-” Jeongin cries, reaching out to Minho who swats his hand away, 

“You call him by a nickname to get his attention after so much time of calling him by just his name- and whatever you said to Dongha that made him give that pathetic glare at him, you’re lucky he couldn’t see it Jeongin because if I had to watch him cry one more time I’d have killed someone.”

“Minho calm down-” Jisung pleads. 

“You care Jeongin?” Minho bites, “for someone who cares so much you could barely notice how you’ve taken away everything that is my Jinnie, the colors from his world, his art, his photography, he can’t do that anymore, he can’t even fucking see you!” His words are laced heavily with venom, he should calm down, he shouldn’t have gotten this far, but he doesn’t care anymore. His words are aimed to maim, to hurt, because Minho thinks he should feel the pain Hyunjin is going through. Because to Minho going for the kill would be too lenient. “If you care so much Jeongin, leave him alone. End the friendship. Stop acting like he’s everything to you when you have a boyfriend who should be your world now. Stop looking at Hyunjin like you long for him to be with you instead of the person you’re with. If you care so damn much you’d let him get over you, you’d let him forget you even exist. Maybe then he’d have some sort of a chance to get his vision back.” Minho storms off to his room, he can hear Jeongin sobbing from behind the closed door. 

Minho sobs into his pillow that night. Hyunjin will never trust him again. 

Hyunjin wakes up to multiple missed calls from all of his friends and four from Jeongin’s boyfriend. Had something happened when he left? Did someone get hurt? Hyunjin panics clicking on a random contact. It rings for a minute. Anxiety fills Hyunjin’s veins, what if someone’s hurt, or in the hospital? His friends wouldn't spam call him like this if it wasn’t important, the call goes to voicemail. He calls again, and once again it rings out with no one answering him. Instead he checks the group chat. 

Big Dick Energy

Dongha: go fuck yourself lee Minho. 

Min🐈: Anything else you’d like to say or?

Channie🎤: Guys please. 

Min🐈: no no let him go off I’m curious what else he has to say after that shit fucking phone call, you call yourself a fucking man? You know where I live come say it to my face. 

Minnie🐕: Not in here please. 

Dongha: oh because your precious Jinnie can see chat? He can go fuck himself too. 

Innie: don’t. 

Dongha: fucking STAND UP Jeongin, Minho was out of fucking line last night and all you have to say is don’t? You’re gonna let him push you the fuck around like that and get mad at ME when I stand up for you!?

Min🐈: why did you even tell him lol. 

Dongha: because my boyfriend goes up to your place to grab his fucking sweater he forgot and comes down in fucking tears saying you told him to stay the fuck away From you all because the pathetic little bitch cant tell Jeongin himself that he doesn’t like the fact he’s HAPPY with someone?

Innie: I didn’t say that!

Min🐈: lmao anything else?

Min🐈: talk about my best friend like that to my face. Jeongin won’t be the only one leaving in tears from my house. 

Binnie☺️: Minho. Enough. 

Fefi🩵: Can we please, not do this here I’m begging. Actually begging. 

Sungie🐿️: don’t talk about Hyunjin like you know anything about him. You’re real fucking bold coming in here with that attitude, you’re doing it because you know hyune’s gonna wake up to do all of this, you’re doing it because you know you can get a reaction out of him, you’re doing it in some pathetic ass attempt at getting some form of attention because I know DAMN WELL Jeongin wouldnt tell you the actual story of what happened up here and I know you’re twisting his words to make it seem like he’d blame Hyunjin for everything but god knows Jeongin wouldnt put blame on Hyunjin even if he killed a man. So either get out what you wanna fucking say or shut the fuck up. 

Innie has removed Dongha from the chat

Innie: I didn’t tell him anything like what he’s saying. I swear. 

Min🐈: 👍

Minnie🐕: what did you say then. 

Innie: that I think I upset my friends, and that I should give you guys space. Then he saw Lix text me that Hyunjin would come around and that Min shouldn’t have yelled at me, and  he took that and ran with his own narrative. 

Fefi🩵: I’m so sorry- 

Innie: it’s fine. I understand why you guys don’t want to be my friend anymore. Min was right, you guys should all just forget me okay? 

Channie🎤: that’s not what he said innie- 

Innie: it’s fine, I promise. Sorry I fucked up. I didn’t mean to. 

Innie has left the chat.

Hyunjin stares at his phone. He doesn’t understand what’s happening, why Minho would have yelled at Jeongin. Something happened last night and it has to do with him. His heart falls into his stomach. Was he too obvious that he was trying to distance himself from Jeongin? his phone rings, shakily he answers. 

“Don’t read the chat-” Felix breathes heavily like he’d just run five kilometers, “I’m outside, I’m letting myself in okay?” 

“Y-yeah.” 

Felix walks in, Hyunjin can hear the door click. He slowly makes his way out of his room, the benefit of living in his apartment so long is that he knows exactly how it’s laid out; he could do this with his eyes closed. He sees the blob of color which he assumes is Felix moving his way closer to him. Felix gently takes his arm and guides him to the couch, he knows. 

“There you go. I’m assuming you haven’t eaten yet, I’ll make something so just wait here.” He knows, he knows, he knows, Minho told them, Minho told them and that’s why they’re all fighting, 

“Lix.” Hyunjin calls out, Felix rushes back into the room. “What happened last night.” Felix sighs heavily, walking back over to Hyunjin and sitting closely beside him. Hyunjin can see the worry on his face, 

“Is it close enough for you to uh-”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t be mad at Minho,” Felix sounds guilty, like he’d done something wrong “he was hurting really bad Hyune. He carried it for a long time all alone. And Seungmin pushed him over the edge and it all came out but-”

“Felix what happened.”

“Jeongin knows.” Hyunjin’s world feels like it’s crumbling form beneath him, the world is slipping away and Hyunjin can’t find anything to hold on to. Jeongin knows. “He came back for something and heard us talking- everyone’s worried Hyune- and Minho he uh, well he may have told Jeongin to-” Felix pauses, he doesn’t want to say it. 

“He told Jeongin to what?” 

“To end your friendship. To let you forget him.” Hyunjin’s hands shake. This was the absolute last thing he wanted but he can’t find reason to be upset with Minho. Sure whatever he said to Jeongin last night hurt everyone around them, but it’s Hyunjin’s fault for letting Minho carry his secret alone. It’s Hyunjin’s fault for not checking in on Minho to make sure he was okay, because even if he’s the one losing his sight, Minho carrying that burdensome knowledge must have- clearly, affected him. Hyunjin should have been better, he should have told everyone instead of trying to hide it. 

“Is Minho okay?” 

“Holed up in his apartment, thinks you’re gonna hate him.” 

“I could never hate him.” Hyunjin sighs, “it’s a mess, and not how I wanted anything to happen but I could never hate him for being at his breaking point.” Hyunjin wants to figure out how to fix things, he doesn’t want to lose Jeongin as a friend and he doesn’t want the rest of his friends being upset at each other on his behalf. “Jeongin. Has anyone spoken to him?” 

“Sung tried to call him but- I think he’s got us blocked now, and I heard Dongha sent Minho a lengthy message about hoping he’s happy that Jeongin broke up with him or something.” Felix leans back in his spot, resting his head against the back of the couch, “what do we even do now Hyune? This whole thing is a mess- I shouldn’t have texted innie after everything but I felt so bad, he was sobbing so hard- I’ve never seen a panic attack that bad. Channie wanted to call a hospital.” Hyunjin doesn’t want to picture Jeongin crying. He doesn’t want to picture how broken down he must have looked when Minho yelled at him. 

“We should figure out if Jeongin is working or if he’s at home today. I should probably go explain everything to him myself.” 

“I don’t think going to Jeongin first is a good idea, especially if he and Dongha are still fighting. He doesn’t seem like the type to accept a break up text, so I’m assuming he’s probably gonna show up at innies place and if you’re there when it happens-”

“I guess. Yeah.” Hyunjin sucks a long breath in, “take me to Mins place then.”

The car ride is short, too short. Hyunjin doesn’t know what he’s going to say to Minho aside from the fact he doesn’t hate him. Hyunjin kind of hoped for the elevator to break down while he’s inside to give him more time to think. He’s not mad at Minho, he really couldn’t find any reason to be. He feels bad though, for putting so much pressure on him to keep his secret. He shouldn’t have done that to him. He punches in the door code, letting himself in quietly. The apartment is still a mess from everyone being there the night before. Jisung is on the couch, staring at the tv that remains off. 

“Min?” Hyunjin asks, Jisung points him to Minho's room. 

“He won’t come out.” Jisung says. He’s worried. 

“I’ll go talk to him.” Slowly Hyunjin makes his way into Minho's room, it’s dark, and he can’t see well but he makes the effort to go in unnoticed. Minho is curled up in his bed, heavy blankets covering him up. 

“I don’t want to talk Jisung please.” Minho cries, he sounds exhausted like he hasn’t slept the entire night. Hyunjin scoots into the bed, wrapping himself around Minho, playing with his hair gently while he finds the words to say. 

“You carried it all by yourself, it’s a heavy thing to carry Min.” Minho shoots up in his bed, staring down at Hyunjin who looks up at him, Minho's eyes water, he blinks rapidly trying to process- opening and closing his mouth like he wants to say something, but Hyunjin should be the one to talk first. “Shh,” Hyunjin pulls Minho back down to cuddle him, “first off, I don’t hate you, and I’m not mad or disappointed or anything okay?”

“You should be mad-” Minho cries, “I ruined everything for you, i hurt Jeongin really bad Hyune, I ruined his relationship, I ruined it all- I told them your secrets and-”

“And that’s okay,” Hyunjin soothes him, he can’t stand seeing his friend upset, “it’s okay. That you told them, but I do expect you to apologize to Jeongin at some point, don’t take this out on him min, he didn’t know. It’s not his fault, he can’t control who he falls for, who I fall for, he can’t control a situation he didn’t know was happening. I should have told him, I should’ve told everyone- maybe I’d have gotten over him if I did tell him you know?” 

“How can I even look at him, after everything I said to him Jinnie?” 

“Give him some time. Knowing Jeongin he’ll try to reach out to you as well, but right now I need you to know- you didn’t fuck up. You didn’t do anything wrong, you were worried, snd scared and you needed to talk to someone, and I should’ve been there for you.” 

“Why are you comforting me when you’re the one suffering?” Minho holds Hyunjin like their friendship depends on it, like if he lets go Hyunjin will leave and never come back. 

“Because it affects everyone around me Min, just because I’m going through it doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect you, it does, and your concerns are all valid.” they lay in silence for a while. Minho eventually stops crying, his hold on Hyunjin doesn’t falter. The only sound from the room is the two of them breathing. 

Hyunjin wakes up in a tangle of blankets and limbs. He and Minho wrapped around each other, the room is darker than usual. The clock on Minho's table reads seven in the evening, had the two of them really fallen asleep for that long? A light knock at the door comes right before it freaks open slowly, light flooding into the room. Jisung tiptoes in. 

“I ordered food, you both need something to eat.” He whispers, bending down to pet at Minho’s hair. Minho groans when he wakes up, grabbing at jisungs arm to pull him into the bed with him and Hyunjin, “no baby, you slept all day. Come out and eat, you can go back to sleep after.” Jisung holds so much love for Minho. Hyunjin wonders what it’s like to love that deeply, and to be loved back just as much. “You too Hyunnie, you guys can go back to bed after okay?” Jisung leans over planting a kiss on Minho's head, and does the same for Hyunjin. Jisung holds so much love for Minho, but he holds just as much for Hyunjin, and all of his friends. They may be different kinds of love, but it’s still love. It’s still warm, and beautiful to be loved so much by someone who cares deeply for you. Even if Hyunjin cant have the romantic love he so desperately craved, he will always have the platonic love his friends have never failed to give him; and he’s okay with that. He will always be grateful for them. After Jisung walks out, Minho sits up and rubs the sleep from his eyes. Turning to Hyunjin Minho sniffles again, wrapping him in another tight hug. 

“I love you Hyunnie.” He mumbles, 

“I love you too Min, always will.” 

Hyunjin spends a week with Minho, Jisung often coming by to check in on the two of them. Hyunjin doesn’t cry, and his vision doesn’t seem to get worse. It surprises him when Jisung walks in and he can see him from the kitchen. It’s not much of an improvement from before but it’s better than nothing. On Saturday, Changbin, Felix, Seungmin and Chan all come over as well. It’s a bit awkward but they talk. Hyunjin explains the situation, he explains why he didn’t want to tell anyone what had been happening, why he didn’t want anyone to worry. He apologizes, and they all cry a bit. Minho just watches as Hyunjin wipes away his tears. Laughing at an offhand comment Jisung had made. 

“I thought they’re supposed to be like crystals?” Seungmin says, Hyunjin pauses. There was no familiar sound of glass falling to the ground. His cheeks feel wet. 

“They are- usually.” Hyunjin mutters, feeling the now cold trail of water on his cheek, “normally they’re little glass stars, but I guess- they’ve stopped now?” 

“Does that mean you’re getting over In-” Chan pauses, “getting over Jeongin?”  Hyunjin thinks for a second. None of them had heard from Jeongin since the fight, he seemingly still has everyone blocked but they know he’s been going to work. The thought of Jeongin doesn’t hurt as much as it did before. Maybe a full disconnect from him was needed. Maybe the silence and not being around him helped him get over it. 

“I guess so.” Hyunjin looks to his friends, all of them sitting with a small smile on their face, they’re still blurry, but he can see them a bit better now. “I can see you guys a bit better too.”

“Wait, you can see?” Felix gasps, springing up in his spot. 

“Not well. Still blurry but it’s better.” Hyunjin looks down at his hands, he has a request that he knows each of them will agree to but it’s still a tough topic to bring up. “Listen I-” he sighs, “you all have to talk to Jeongin. Don’t isolate him from the group. He doesn’t deserve that. He didn’t know, and he couldn’t have ever known.” Hyunjin notices Minho bringing his knees to his chest, Minho still feels bad about everything. Hyunjin knows he wants to talk to him, but figuring out the words has been hard for him. 

“Hyune- if being around Jeongin hurts you then-”

“It won’t, and if it does we’ll figure it out. But please just talk to him. Jeongins just like Min,” he motions to where Minho is sitting, knees to chest, his head buried in his arms. “Both of them have a  tough exterior but are soft inside. He told you guys it was fine, that he’d leave you all alone. But I know he’s probably hurting too. So please reach out to him. This isn’t some petty break up where you have to pick a side. We’re all friends. We love each other. None of this is his fault.” 

“I’m sorry.” Minho whimpers, “I just didn’t know how to handle it all.” 

“It’s not your fault either Min. No one is to blame, except me okay?”

“How is it your fault Hyune- you”

“Chose not to tell anyone and let you carry that burden alone. That, is my fault. So stop blaming yourself, please.” Minho nods, still clearly upset. The others agree that it wasn’t Jeongin’s  fault. They all leave for the night, Hyunjin stays one more day with Minho. 

It takes another two weeks for people to start mentioning Jeongin around Hyunjin. His heart feels warm at the mention of him. Hearing he’s been eating, hearing he’s doing better. It hurt when he had heard Jeongin could barely move for the first few days, but it makes him happy to hear that he’s accepting invitations to go out with people slowly again. Hyunjin knows at some point he’ll have to face him. His vision has slowly been coming back. Hyunjin’s job took him back after he explained what had happened which was a great thing for Hyunjin who was scared he’d run out of money. Things are looking up, but in his heart he knows he’s not over him. He still wants to hold Jeongin, tell him things, he wants to see him smile, hear his laugh, ask about his day. He wants to be in his presence, and simply enjoy his company. Hyunjin still loves Jeongin, just as much as the day he finally accepted that fact. 

It’s raining on the day Jeongin shows up to Hyunjin’s apartment. Soaking wet as he walks in, staring at his shoes like they were the most interesting thing to ever exist. Hyunjin is quick to grab him a towel. Jeongin sits on the floor, snd refuses to move even when Hyunjin tells him it’s okay if the couch gets a bit wet. Hyunjin wants to hug him. He looks cold, shivering from the rain. He refuses the change of clothes Hyunjin offers; he just doesn’t want Jeongin to get sick. 

“I didn’t know.” Jeongin starts, 

“I know, that was the goal,” Hyunjin smiles weakly at Jeongin, he needs to tell him. He’s gotta rip it off like a bandaid and pray the outcome is that they can remain friends. 

“Minho apologized to me.” Jeongin’s cute when he’s shy. He’s always cute. 

“I’m glad, he was nervous about doing that, pretty sure he thought you’d hate him for the rest of eternity-”

“I deserved it Hyune,” Jeongin sighs finally looking up at Hyunjin. His eyes shine with tears, “I did. I hurt you really bad, and I almost caused you to go completely blind that’s not forgivable.” 

“It’s not your fault though Jeongin, you don’t control who do you and don’t fall in love with, it just wasn’t-”

“Hyunjin. I caused you so much pain. I deserved what min said to me, and I’m glad you’re getting your vision back but I could have done even worse damage to you. So I’m asking you, though in my own head you shouldn’t do it, I’m asking you to forgive me for being stupid.” 

“Jeongin you-” Hyunjin places a hand on his head, “why do you want forgiveness for something that isn’t your fault? You didn’t force me to fall in love with you, you didn’t force me to keep it a secret, you didn’t do anything wrong.” 

“Because I was stupid hyunjin!” Jeongin stands up, pacing around the room as he tugs at his hair, “I told you, you are the closest person to me as anyone can get then I push you away because some guy asks me out, I tell you I’ll always be there then I focus on someone who honestly really didn’t give a fuck about me, i say I know you better than Minho and  Jisung, and I couldn’t see how I was hurting you. So yes. Yes this is my fault because I should have seen it Hyunjin, I should have known!” 

“He cared about you Jeongin, don’t discredit that you two cared about each other-”

“No Hyunjin he didn’t. I was his rebound, he stayed mad about the break up for like three days then was posting with his ex right after, Hyunjin he didn’t care and I was just too stupid to see that, but he doesn’t fucking matter, the point is that I was putting energy into something I KNEW wouldnt work out on the long run because I was so fucking scared of being in love with you that I thought being with someone else would be better!” Jeongin freezes, “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”Jeongin turns on his heels faster than Hyunjin can stand up, “I didn’t come here to make things worse when you’re getting better I’m so sorry.” He cries, swinging the door open and rushing out of it. Hyunjin follows. He doesn’t care that he doesn’t have shoes on, he doesn’t care that he doesn’t have a coat or that he could get sick from the rain, he needs to know what Jeongin meant. 

“Jeongin!” Hyunjin chases, but Jeongin walks faster, out the lobby door and into the rain. “Jeongin wait-” Hyunjin runs out the doors following him into the storm. It’s cold, and Hyunjin is soaked; it doesn’t matter when Jeongin is right there. Right there staring at him, 

“Hyunjin go back inside you’re getting wet!” 

“Not until you finish what you were saying.” Hyunjin stand stubbornly in the rain. If Jeongin knows him better than anyone, then he should know he won’t win this argument. 

“Seungmin said you get your vision back when you fall out of love.” Jeongin pleads, “so please go back inside and forget I said that”

“I don’t care what Seungmin said, this isn’t about him finish what you were saying or I’ll stand here all night.” Jeongins shrugs off his coat, walking towards Hyunjin and placing it over his shoulders. It’s wet, but he can still feel the residual heat from Jeongin’s body in it. 

“Hyunjin. What if it makes everything worse?” Jeongin whispers, his hands holding onto Hyunjin’s arms like a lifeline. 

“Tell me.” Jeongin sighs. Tears fall as he looks at Hyunjin. Both of them standing in the rain, Jeongin looks gorgeous. This look of vulnerability is one Hyunjin will never forget. 

“I was scared of being in love with you, because you’re this perfect person who loves so deeply; and I’m never going to be good enough for you Jinnie. I never thought I could be an option for you because why would I be for someone like you? Someone who’s gentle and cares, and what if I couldn’t be everything you wanted because I’m nowhere near as perfect as you are.” Jeongin sighs, “I said yes to Dongha because I thought being with someone else would be better so that when the day came that you had someone who makes you happy, it wouldn’t hurt. I used him as much as he used me, were both awful for it which is why I can’t even be mad about what happened.”Hyunjin doesn’t know what to say. He stands there staring at Jeongin, processing, thinking yet nothing comes to mind. 

“Innie…” 

“Hearing them say you loved me felt like hell in the context they were saying it in. It felt like hell to know I’d taken so much away from you because I was being stupid. I should have told you how I felt, but instead I locked it away- and started seeing someone else. Hyunjin I used someone to get over you, and that makes me a shit fucking person who really doesn’t now, nor has ever deserved you because no one who is willing to do that should ever deserve you.” Jeongin brings a hand to Hyunjin’s cheek, caressing it softly as he looks at him. “You deserve someone so much better than that. You believe in a love so strong that nothing can break it apart, and I used love as an excuse to hide away, an excuse to potentially hurt someone. If he wasn’t already using me, our break up would have been a lot worse considering what we both said to each other.” 

“Innie that’s-”

“When we broke up I told him it’s because he wouldn’t be you and I couldn’t continue being with someone I didn’t want as much as you.” Jeongin looks ashamed, “that’s when he said he felt the same way about his ex.” 

“Jeongin-”

“So please Hyunjin, go back inside. We don’t have to see eachother again. We don’t have to be friends  if you don’t want to-  knowing this. I didn’t come here to make things worse, or to make you question yourself or whatever might be happening in your head. I came here to apologize for being stupid, and to see if you’d consider forgiving me but honestly I know I don’t deserve it.” 

Jeongin’s hand falls from Hyunjin’s face, he smiles weakly before trying to turn away from him. Hyunjin’s heart pounds in his chest. They’re both stupid, so fucking stupid. Hyunjin grabs Jeongin’s arm, pulling him back into him. They stand there, Jeongin looking shocked while Hyunjin just watches the droplets of water drip from his hair. Hyunjin has spent so much time running from his feelings, hiding them away to avoid miscommunication, or hurt yet hiding them only caused both in the most extreme ways. He’s done pretending like he’s getting better because he’s fallen out of love with Jeongin. He was confused, and didn’t know why he was getting better but now it makes sense to him. Hyunjin has always known he never did fall out of love with him. He was getting better because Jeongin accepted that he also loves Hyunjin. He’s getting better because his love isn’t unrequited and Hyunjin would rather die than give that up. So instead he pulls Jeongin flush to him, grabs his face, and kisses him. 

It’s warm, and Jeongin doesn’t know what’s happening but he gives in. Jeongin kisses Hyunjin like it’s the last chance. Hyunjin only hopes Jeongin can feel how much he’s putting into it. How much love he pours into a kiss. He hopes he can somehow show Jeongin that this moment, means something to him. Means everything to him. Jeongin’s arms reach around Hyunjin’s waist. Pulling him closer. When they pull apart, Jeongin rests his forehead on Hyunjin’s. 

“I don’t deserve you Jinnie-” 

“I love you Innie.” Jeongin stares, it’s not the response he was expecting, “I never stopped.” 

“But you’re getting better-”

“Jeongin.” Hyunjin giggles, “you can get better from it if the person loves you back.” 

“What?” 

“You loving me makes me better. In more ways than just my vision coming back, you make me happy. You make me laugh, and yeah sometimes you make me cry. But you love me, and you’ve always cared about me. I’ve told you this before Innie, don’t discredit yourself. Be yourself. Always. Please.” Jeongin kisses him again, it’s quick but he smiles into it like he’d just heard the best news of his life. 

“I won’t hurt you again, Jinnie I promise- I promise I won’t hurt you.” 

“I believe you. Now please. Back inside, you’re shaking.” 

“I’m happy,” 

“And you’re wet and cold. Inside. Now.” Jeongin smiles, fully for the first time in a long time. He follows Hyunjin inside. Shower, and change into dry clothes. Jeongin stays the night. He hold Hyunjin like he’s the most precious thing in the world. 

Hyunjin’s vision eventually comes back, it’s a slow process; but Jeongin’s there the day warm colours finally come back. He watches as Hyunjin sobs over being able to see his painting of the roses on the wall. Hyunjin can tell Jeongin still blames himself, but he reminds him that it wasn’t his fault, he reminds him that he brings the colours back into his life by being there. Even if they’d just stayed friends, Jeongin’s presence would bring Hyunjin happiness. 

Hyunjin knows their kiss that day wasn’t the fix all. There were still conversations to be had, many they’d gotten through already. There were things they both had to work through, but they did it together. 

Three years together and Hyunjin couldn’t be happier with Jeongin. They’d been through a lot since they’d met. They’d gone through so much to get to this point, but Hyunjin knows  it was all worth it whenever he sees Jeongin’s smile. Every day Jeongin finds new ways to show Hyunjin he loves him, cares for him. Small things here and there, but Jeongin still found a way to make each one special. 

It was April fourth to be exact, the weather was gorgeous. A light breeze made the day a bit cool but nothing Hyunjin’s long black coat and matching scarf couldn’t handle. Jeongin, Minho and Jisung had made it a tradition to go to Yeouido to see the cherry blossoms, this time around Seungmin, Changbin, Felix and Chan had joined them. As per tradition,  first was a stop at Hyunjin’s favourite cafe, with drinks in hand they made their way to the park.  The cherry blossoms were beautiful, Hyunjin couldn’t help himself,  wandering off to take a few shots while the others walked around chatting. 

When he found them again, Jeongin sat on a bench. black hair swaying in the breeze as flower petals fell around him. The scene was perfect. Jeongin spots him and calls him over. Hyunjin happily making his way to his boyfriend before he could sit down, Jeongin stands up. Planting a chaste kiss on his lips. Their friends gathered around. Felix failing to hide a wide smile, Hyunjin looks around confused. 

Jeongin always finds a way to show hyunjin how much he loves him. Today, he gets down on one knee and asks him to marry him.