Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Uzi Doorman lay on her back as she intensely stared at the fresh paint on her ceiling, a look of defiance plain on her face. 

“So, they actually think that cramming me into a dingy cupboard under the staircase is going to be enough to contain my spirit?” she muttered to herself with a disdainful arch of her brow. She scoffed aloud, her voice dripping with sarcasm and determination. “Ha! This just adds depth to my edgy backstory! Yeah… they’ll see. They’ll all see what I’m truly capable of!”

Her voice rose, building into a crescendo of triumphant laughter that echoed off the cramped walls of her tiny room. Her laughter took on a maniacal edge, reverberating with a wild intensity that seemed to challenge the very notion of her confinement. But her moment of theatrical rebellion was abruptly interrupted as the door to her cupboard creaked open, bathing the dim space in the soft light of the hallway.

“Hey Uzi,” came the cheerful voice of her cousin, who peeked in with a warm and friendly smile. “Mom and dad wanted to know if you wanted to have some breakfast with us,” he continued, her tone inviting and full of familial warmth.

Uzi's laughter subsided, and she glanced over, astonished; her dramatic monologue momentarily forgotten in the face of her cousin's simple, genuine offer.

“Thad!” Uzi whined. “You just ruined my edgy monologue!” She got up and marched over to the taller child. “What the Hell?”

Thad chuckled, “Sorry, ‘Zi, but uh…why do you insist on sleeping here again? Is something wrong with your room?”

Uzi groaned, “What do all the best protagonists have in common?”

Thad frowned, “Huh?”

“They all have edgy backstories that help make them badasses!” Uzi gestured to the area outside of the cupboard, “And look at me. Yeah, my birth parents are dead, but I was adopted by the most loving and supportive family!” She crossed her arms and sat down on what served as her bed last night. “Where’s my cool backstory?”

Thad stared at her silently.

She stared back.

“So…breakfast? We were gonna open presents after that, want to see what games we can play?”

“Hell yeah!” Uzi cheered.

Uzi tossed a several batteries in her mouth, eyelights focused on a new anime that came out today.

“Whoa!” Thad grinned at what he saw. “This is the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life!”

Uzi nodded eagerly, “I know, right! These characters are so amazing and funny – love them already and we’re not even halfway through the first episode!”

“Truly the best thing anyone has ever come up with, I feel sorry for anyone who can’t see this themselves.”

At that moment, something shocking happened in the episode, making both children gasp in shock.

Uzi cried out, “No! He was my favorite character!”

“I need to know what happens next,” Thad stared at the screen unblinkingly.

“Kids,” Thad’s mother called out. “Chad’s here.”

Chad was Thad’s best friend who was invited over to go see the zoo with him.

And as much as Thad was enjoying the show, he was much more of a people person, so he got up and ran to greet him.

While Uzi got along well enough with Chad, she was far too invested in the anime to allow herself to talk to any distractions.

If Thad wanted to risk getting spoiled, that was his choice, but she wouldn’t take that risk.

When anime spoilers were on the line, there was too much at stake!

She was so engrossed that she didn’t hear her guardians call her to the car.

“Uzi. Uzi,” Thad shook her shoulder. “C’mon, we’re going to the zoo.”

“Cool, have fun. See ya when you get back,” She didn’t look away from the screen at all.

“Sorry ‘Zi,” Thad started to drag her to the car where his parents were waiting, “But this is a family outing, and your family.”

“No, no, no!” Uzi screamed as he dragged her away from her anime.

In any other circumstance, the trip to the zoo would have been fun for Uzi; unfortunately, with every passing second, the risk of spoilers grew larger.

So here she was, glaring at a robo-snake while Thad and Chad were off eyeing the robo-geckos.

The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes. Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were on a level with Uzi’s.

It winked.

Uzi stared, jaw hanging open slightly.

She was a good engineer, in her words, she was a damn good engineer that new plenty of specs of all kinds of machines.

And robot-snakes didn’t have eyelids.

Then, she quickly looked around to see if anyone was watching.

They weren't.

She looked back at the snake and winked back at it.

The snake jerked its head toward her, then raised its eyes to the ceiling. It gave Uzi a look that said quite plainly: “Usually people are excited to stare at me. You aren’t.”

“Yeah, you are awesome, but I’m missing my show,” Uzi murmured through the glass, though she wasn't sure the snake could hear her.

“It must be really annoying.”

The snake nodded vigorously.

“Where are you from, anyway?” Uzi asked.

The snake jabbed its tail at the sign again, and Uzi read on: This specimen was bred in the zoo. “Oh, I see - so you've never been to the official JCJenson factory, huh?”

“OH MY ROBO-GOD!”

Uzi nearly jumped a foot into the air at Chad’s exclamation.

Said boy was staring at the snake in awe, “THAD, BRO, YOU GOT TO SEE THIS!”

Chad practically threw himself at the glass, visor pressed up against it.

Uzi sighed from where she stood next to him, annoyance rising as she realized they’d probably be here for a few more hours at this rate cause that snake was-

Suddenly, Chad screamed.

The glass seemed to vanish, and he fell into the snake tank while the robo-snake slithered out.

It looked at Uzi. “Thanks, now I’m off to find the big JCJenson factory here.”

It slithered away; the drones and humans it passed scrambled to get out of its way.

Uzi only stared as it slithered out, not even noticing Chad climbing out of the tank, the glass reappearing after he did so, Thad coming by to check on her and his friend, or her guardians holding onto her, asking if she was safe.

“What just happened?” She murmured to herself.

Chapter Text

Disregarding Alice’s warning not to stand up in the boats with a casual confidence, Uzi stood up boldly in her rowboat, her eyelights wide in an elated wonder.

She had barely been able to sit still on the train, and now that the looming figure of the castle was so close, she could no longer restrain herself.

Hogwarts.

It towered over the water, flickering with lights that promised a thousand mysteries and immeasurable potential. She grinned, this was the start of her badass backstory.

This was the place she would learn magic, where she would spend a year unlike any other.

Her thoughts spun as she imagined her new life, filled with spells, enchantments, impossible adventures, and being the main character, of course.

Who else could it be, she thought in amusement.

Still, she couldn't believe it was all within her grasp, so close she could almost taste it. Nothing was going to stop her now!

“Yer a witch, Uzi.”

“Hell yeah!”

Those words were where everything changed, it was when she learned her guardians were lied to (and they have apologized for that a million times to her for giving her incorrect information about her parents. Something she forgave them for before they could say their first apology; it wasn’t their fault and despite not giving her an edgy upbringing for an awesome backstory, they did everything they could to take care of her.) and now here she was.

She was going to learn magic.

She was going to be a damaged witch by the end of the year - let alone her schooling! And it will be awesome, everything she ever wanted!

“For you kids who weren’t told yet or jus’ forgot, the only tech that works ‘ere are drones. Everything else? Computers, laptops, portable players, electronic games? Paperweights here,” Uzi heard Alice’s southern drawl and that killed her mood.

No games.

No laptop.

No anime.

All of a sudden, learning magic didn’t seem so cool anymore, she thought as she sat back down, oblivious to Alice smirking in her direction.

‘Yep, that is definitely 02’s kid,’ she thought in amusement.

Chapter Text

Uzi really didn't like learning new Solver forms. It was *tiring* and *boring* and borderline embarassing at times. She used to sneak anime onto her phone to watch that, but now she couldn't even do that! Also, J wouldn't stop talking once she for started.

"The most basic skill of a Solver user is levitation- the ability to make things... float." Professor Liam's voice droned on. He had been speaking for over half an hour now, and most students were either sleeping or very close to it.

Uzi snuck a glance at the professor's bland face, before going back into power saving mode. Next to her, V was half asleep with her chin on a pile of books.

Sighing, Professor Liam flicked his index finger, summoning metal rods to lift the students' heads off the desks.

"I guess I'll have to make all of you do something." His eyes scanned the room. "Everyone see the metal plate in front of you?"

The class murmured something, before falling back into silence. One student's head lolled backwards, [SLEEP MODE] displayed on their visor. Liam sighed once more.

"I'm going to teach you basic levitation. Everyone load your Solver files into RAM."

The class erupted into hushed whispering, their excitement evident.

"I'm going to show you this one time."

The students didn't need to be told twice.

"You ready your Solver, and you do the basic swish-and-flick motion."

Professor Liam extended his hand, with three fingers pointing outwards. Betweeen his fingers, a three-pronged glyph popped into existence, its dull rusty orange color reflecting off everyone's visor. His hand smoothly *swish*-ed through the air, as if he was conjuring something. The class watched intently, all eyes fixated. With a simple snap of his wrist, a table at the back of the room began to rise from the ground, levitating half a meter off the ground.

"The string you need to inject is [Wingardium Leviosa]. I would recommend using ASCII if your Solver code can handle it, but basic binary will suffice."

With those words, the whole class scrambled to try the new form. Professor Liam muttered a warning.

"Remember *not* to hurry and overload your Solver, and please try to inject half a word at a time. Last year, we had 2 students who had their hands mysteriously amputated due to Solver overload."

Safe to say, noone heard that. Maybe except for J.

Uzi tried the string multiple times, but the steel plate didn't budge. Frustrated, she looked around to see how everyone else was faring.

Uzi looked towards V, whose movements were the definition of hurrying. Uzi could practically see her overheating due to increased CPU load. V's visor flashed between [HIGH TEMPERATURE] warnings and the occasional [WINGARDIUM LEVIOSAAAARRRRR] in glitched text. Uzi wondered if she had to call the Professor for some help.

Turns out, she didn't nead to.

With a harsh *clank*, a book smacked V's head, creating a small dent.

**"What the HELL was that?"** V yelled, clutching her head. The students' heads snapped towards V, who was literally fuming. From behind V, J dusted off her book and smiled smugly.

"For corporate's sake, you're doing it *all* wrong. It's levi-o-sa, not leviosaaa."

Uzi grimaced. This was not going to end well.

"You're injecting code too quickly. You're supposed to have breaks between all that." J snidely remarked.

V's voice went down to a very dangerous whisper.

"Why don't *you* try it then, miss perfect."

J raised her hand, a vibrant yellow symbol flickering into place. After a split second, the metal plate slowly rose up, as if defying gravity. The plate hovered in the air for a second, before falling down towards V. Uzi, anticipating a crash, closed her eyes but nothing happened. She peeked through one eye, to see an orange Solver symbol grabbing onto the plate. The class all turned towards the front of the room, where the Professor was lazily flicking his wrist, with one hand on his chin.

"No killing in my class.. The paperwork for that is a pain."

Noone said a word.

"Class dismissed."

Everyone scrambled out the door. Uzi dashed towards her next class, with V in close pursuit.

"Oh for the love of Robo-god.. That J is a menace to society." V grumbled.

Uzi tried to defend J, but V cut her off.

"Winga-rdium Levi-osaaaar. Yeah right." V yelled, trying her best J impression and failing miserably.

Out of the corner of her eye, Uzi caught a figure with white ponytails running off. A nagging thought at the back of her mind told her to follow them, but she ultimately decided not to. Turns out, that was a mistake.

Chapter Text

The hundreds of children waited in anxious anticipation, a collective of wide-eyed wonder gathered in front of the towering, gigantic doors to the immense great hall. Nervous feet shuffled and eager whispers floated through the cool air, a collective buzz of excitement coursing through them as they brimmed with the thrill of the unknown and what awaited them here at Hogwarts. All except one - who was still processing that all the technology she brought with her was worthless now.

Stupid JCJenson seal of approval... It was supposed to guarantee this stuff would work in any environment, but turns out, nope, that was all a big lie! That or they didn’t take magic into account, which would have been dumb of them, Uzi thought to herself.

She directed a fierce glare forward at nothing in particular, just squaring off her shoulders against the world, but the intensity of her mood did not go unnoticed.

Her soon-to-be classmates observed her with a mixture of awe and confusion, their murmurs rising as a swell of questioning and speculation. Who or what had pissed off the famous girl-who-lived?

Those raised in the magical world grew up hearing stories about how kind she is to everyone, stories of a girl who was a paragon of virtue. While the ones new to this society had only recently heard these tales, they were no less enraptured by the thought of going to class with a celebrity. They had been told this girl was absolutely nice in every way.

They were in for a wake up call soon enough.

And then, at last, with a groan and sweep of grandeur, the doors opened to reveal the spectacle inside. The children gasped at what they saw before them.

The hundreds of JCJenson brand candles that were being suspended in midair, and somehow not dripping hot wax on the students below, the ceiling that mirrored the night sky perfectly, all their older schoolmates and their soon-to-be professors, including the one Uzi previously met at Diagon Alley: Professor Cynessa El1iot.

“It’s not really the night sky,” The voice of that know-it-all who barged into the roomette Uzi shared with V on the train ride here spoke loudly, as if to make sure everyone could hear her. “It's just bewitched to look like the night sky. I read about it in the files I downloaded - Hogwarts: A history.”

J finished smugly, looking around, as if daring anyone to try and say they were as prepared as her.

But Uzi’s attention was drawn to the center of the table, where Headmistress Nori was sitting.

Nori, and for some reason, no one gave her the professor’s last name, was remarkable - Core Drones were drones without a real body, typically weak little things, but she had become one of the most respected witches of all time! Despite her…obvious eccentricities. Seriously, Uzi thought incredulously, why was she wearing a long and clearly fake beard? For Robo-God’s sake, the thing was bigger than Nori’s entire body!

These thoughts continued until the professor the first years were following stopped and turned around to face them.

“All right, kids,” Professor Khan smiled at them. “Time to get sorted!”

“Before we do,” Nori spoke to the entire hall. “I have some announcements to make.”
Uzi rolled her eyelights, schools were the same everywhere it seemed; lots of boring announcements that didn’t mean anything, surely tuning out this one wouldn’t be an issue, right?

“-to everyone who doesn’t want to die a painful death. Thanks.”

Uzi blinked, ‘Ok, maybe I should have listened to that.’

“When I call your name, please come up to be sorted,” Professor Khan (seriously! Why did Uzi not know two of her professor’s last names?) said calmly.

Uzi tuned out the names, wondering what exactly she missed - could she ask someone without looking like an idiot? Not even her first full day and she already screwed up…just because school announcements were boring!

Uzi kept running this thought over and over in her CPU, trying to figure out what here could cause her a painful death that she needed warning about when V elbowed her.

“Huh?” Uzi glared at her. V gestured forward, and Uzi realized everyone was looking at her.

“Uhh…Uzi? You ready to be sorted?” Professor Khan asked with a raised digital eyebrow.

Uzi blushed, “Uh…yeah, yeah.”

She scampered up and plopped down on the stool, ignoring the whispers of “It’s her,” and “Is that really Uzi Doorman,” as she did so, then Professor Khan dropped the hat on her head - the adult-sized hat covered up most of her head.

‘What am I supposed to do now?’ She thought, wishing she paid more attention.

‘Why, you just sit there and let me sort you, of course,’ a dry voice answered in her head.

‘What the actual hell?’ Uzi tensed up, ready to toss this old hat off her head

‘Heh heh, now calm down, little one. It’s me, the hat on your head,” the dry voice answered.

Uzi took a deep vent in, ‘Magic is weird.’

‘Yes, it can be, I suppose. Now, where to sort you…hmm…difficult.’

‘Bite me, I’m not difficult, I’m-’

‘You can tell your housemates that you’re a damaged OC later. I need to focus on sorting…hmm…loyal, very loyal to your family and those you like, even if you deny liking anyone-’

‘Bite me!’

‘No, and shush. But Hufflepuff is the house of the honest as well as the loyal…so that’s out. Ravenclaw is where the smartest tend to go, and while you are brilliant at engineering, I could see you dismantling your housemates for questioning your designs. Slytherin would certainly lead you to glory and greatness-’

‘Hell yeah! Put me in Slytherin, hat!’

‘But no, you’re a main character, so you go to-’

“Gryffindor!” The hat screamed, Uzi flinched at how loud it got before she heard one table clapping.

Uzi let out a vent and glared at the hat after it was taken off her head, annoyed at the yell, and it didn’t help that the hat seemed to smirk at her, even if she was happy to be called a main character.

‘Finally,’ She thought with a smirk that turned into a maniacal laugh that made everyone stop clapping.

“Welcome to Gryffindoor!” Professor Khan grinned at her as she moved to sit down.

After everyone was finished being sorted, Headmistress Nori clanged one of her tentacle legs against a cup. “Everyone,” she spoke through her beard. “Enjoy the food!”

Food magically appeared on their plates, somehow not mixing up any food meant for humans or drones - and when you have around a thousand students, it only impressed said students even more.

Just as Uzi was going to grab a battery from her plate, a head poked its way through the table. She let out a squat of surprise.

“Hello,” the transparent head spoke cheerfully. “Welcome to Gryffindor!” Then he vented, “Or Gryfindoor as our current head of house calls it.”

It seemed like he was waiting for someone to ask on that, giving him an opening to complain, and possibly provide exposition into a character.

Instead, Uzi asked, “How are you a ghost? You’re a drone - this makes no sense!”

J scoffed, “These drones were buried in improperly-shielded coffins. Their programming leaked into the castles wiring through an old, abandoned modem allowing them to project themselves as holograms here.” She rolled her eyelights at the girl-who-lived, even as Uzi glared at her. “It’s so obvious.”

Chapter Text

Thad was practically vibrating in place - today was the day Uzi came home! He exchanged a quick glance with his parents, and they seemed just as excited.

He had so many questions for her! Her letters were rather succinct - she was never the best at expressing herself, but he knew her better than anyone, once they were reunited, he’d get to hear everything about her magical year!

Then she appeared, coming out of a wall - magic’s so cool, he thought - he almost ran over to meet her, but her expression held him back.

It wasn’t happy, it wasn’t manic, it wasn’t emo.

It was…sad. Just sad.

He felt a knot build in his throat, was she unhappy to be back? Did she find people that she felt so close to, she considered family? More than his parents and he were to her?

He always wanted Uzi to have friends, but…the thought of losing her like that made him sad.

And then there were other thoughts; thoughts like what if she went through something traumatic? What if she didn’t know how to discuss what happened? What if something happened and she really couldn’t trust people now?

He knew she wanted an edgy backstory, but…the thought of her getting hurt for it made him feel ill.

He pushed his feelings down and ran up to her, “Hey Uzi!”

He hugged her, she gasped in surprise, one of her bags falling over - its contents spilled out.

“Ooh, mysterious scrolls and potions,” Thad stared at them with wide eyelights before he started looking through her bag. “Is there also an owl in this bag?”

Uzi watched her cousin rifle through her bag in shock for just a few moments before she snatched it away from him, “No, and I can assure you if there’s an owl in this bag, it’s long dead.”

“Oh…” Thad rubbed his arm. “So…did you miss us?”

Uzi snorted and punched his arm playfully - still hurt though. “Dork,” she looked at him. “Course I missed you…don’t tell anyone that, okay?”

Thad beamed, happy to have his cousin who was more like his sister to him back home.

Chapter Text

Uzi laughed, and she wasn’t the only one.

Many were relishing in the holiday feast.

Halloween night, sure, it may not have all the scary stuff she loved so much – and it may be the first Halloween she hasn’t spent terrorizing Thad (something she would have to make up for during summer!), but spending time here, with friends…it was nice.

And then Professor Cynessa skipped into the hall, somehow slamming the gigantic doors open.

“Alarmed yell. Troll. Troll in the. Dungeon.”

And silence as everyone, student and staff, stared at the defense teacher in a mixture of shock and horror.

“Giggle. Thought you ought. To know.”

And then she collapsed and the cries and screams of the students rose.

V dropped her food, the twisted joke she was halfway finished telling Uzi forgotten in the face of such danger.

Near the wall, at the Slytherin table, Doll was reacting in a similar manner, looking around as she silently screamed.

The students rushed out of their seats and dashed towards the door, many of which would have trampled Professor Cynessa had Professor Nori not shouted just before the first foot could have hit her:

“SILENCE!”

And then there was silence, even the thunder outside seemed to fall silent.

“Everyone will please…please tell me if you’re seriously scared of a troll? Those things are dumber than a broken floppy disk and-”

Professor Khan leaned over and whispered something to her. Nori blinked in what seemed like embarrassment, “And you are all students with no real combat experience and a troll is immune to most magic…right.”

The students started screaming again.

“Oh, SHUT UP!”

They shut up and stared at their headmistress in fear.

“Now,” she continued at a calmer volume. “The Prefects, the students chosen for their ability to tattle on their housemates, will lead your housemates back to your dormitories.” She looked over at the Slytherin house, “You kids better be fast runners in case you meet up with the troll on your way to the dungeons. Heh.” She chuckled at the panicked expressions the entire house were shooting her. “Meanwhile, the rest of the teachers and I will look for the troll down there, where I will an epic fight with it to the death!” The Core Drone seemed to beam at the thought of something so anime.

“Why are we going if you’ll fight it alone?” Liam drawled out.

Nori rolled her single eyelight, “Obviously, I need people to record this so I can splice it together to make a music video.”

The students all stared at one of the most respected witches in existence in pure horror, wondering how safe they were here without a troll stumbling around.

Nori, as if picking up on their thoughts, looked at the hall, “What are you all still doing here? Off! Back to your dorms! Now!”

On the way back to the tower, Uzi and V were so confused about everything that happened in the last few minutes, they did not notice one girl missing.

Liam vented as he escorted J back to the dorms, “Stay here.”

Uzi frowned, he was limping and his leg seemed to be wounded if that oil stain there was anything to go by.

V, meanwhile, was more focused on J, “Why the hell are you covered in blood?”

J, on her way to her bed, shrugged, “Troll came after me in the bathroom. Stabbed my pen into its eye. Typical corporate training in how to deal with aggressive workers.”

V turned to Uzi with an expression of wonder on her visor, “We have to add her to our friend group!”