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Part 3 of Limbus Company Media (aka What If The Sinners Were Social Media Influencers?)
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Published:
2025-03-18
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2025-03-18
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LCM-00-03: Popularity Contest

Summary:

This page takes a look at Document Number LCM-00-03. LCM stands for Limbus Company Media, 00 indicates no central focus, and 03 designates this as the second document taken in by the department. In this document, the Sinners are subjected to their first group video together after some "persuasion" from Vergilius to Limbus Company in terms of considering Ishmael's prior criticisms. The problem? Hohenheim's helping arrange said video. ...Does anything ever go right in this mirror world?

Notes:

Enable workskin and read the tags.

This account is run by 2 people. The one who does the writing is Victor Frankenstein (he/him). The one who does everything else is Julia 1984 (they/them). Comments are appreciated.

Since this is being posted on the server where J collected the data for the survey, and they voted majority to share it after this was completed, all I ask is to keep my Discord profile and my AO3 profile separate if you decide to comment. I like having the semi-anonymity. It's a respect thing, y'know? It's serious because I'm using actual proper grammar. And no, currently, V is not in the server. - J
...And don't ask what they're talking about at the start, just read the previous fic in the series if you want context. - J
Read the series in general you're gonna love it, our general audience does for sure - V

Chapter 1: The Story

Summary:

The Sinners participate in the findings of a Limbus Company related survey.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Popularity Survey: The Story
Location: Mephistopheles
Faust ...
Gregor ...
Gregor Faust, why are you looking at me like I commited a war crime? I'm not even in the army anymore.
Faust And yet, you still find a way to commit terrorism. Faust had to create a digital Concept Incinerator because of you.
Gregor Shit, is that why I can't remember what happened a few days ago?
Faust Potentially. Either that, or the fact that you got your head caved in by an Arbiter.
Gregor That bad?
Faust That bad.
Gregor Fuck...everything feels like such a blur. I think I wanted to do something to win the Internet.
Faust Please don't do that anymore. Just stick to your niche.
Gregor Faust, I don't even know what my niche is.
Faust That... is a problem.
Yi Sang May I suggest that you do those "vlog" recordings that our fellow, Don Quixote, does? You seem like a very relaxed person normally.
Yi Sang A lot of your channel so far has been...for lack of better words, trying to fit a triangle into a square hole.
Dante <So, wait, what exactly happened to->
Faust Digitally, it is as if it had never existed. Nobody is aware of the music video being gone online, and all proof of it existing digitally is gone.
Faust But because it only affects the digital world, within the physical world, they still have the possibility to remember that song existed.
Dante <Ahhh...>
Faust Of course, I have to remember who did it specifically if only so that we can ensure an incident like this never happens again. That had the capability to destroy the entire LCM brand.
Gregor It couldn't have been that bad, couldn't it...?
Faust Even if it was, you will never know. And I would like to keep it that way.
Vergilius Speaking of the LCM brand, we're supposed to be heading back to the headquarters of Limbus Company today.
Sinclair Oh? Wait, why?
Ryoshu Battle royale.
Ryoshu smirks as if her wishes are finally being granted.
Vergilius No, it is not for a battle royale.
Ryoshu Ugh. Boring.
Vergilius It is actually because the twelve of you will be recording a group video for the first time.
Yi Sang I beg your pardon?
Vergilius Mhm. Ishmael's criticisms about Limbus Company not having a group channel were... intriguing to me. So I forwarded said information to the higher-ups.
Vergilius In addition to you all having to manage your own content, the company may call us from time to time to get us into the headquarters to record content there.
Ishmael Not exactly what I had in mind, but at least the company's capable of listening, I guess...
Ishmael How did you two convince them to do that, though?
Faust ...
Location: Limbus Company Headquarters
Radio Replaying Gregor's Music Dad, I want some ice cream. Sinclair, that is my name. Sinclair, I want another, Sinclair. Where is my odyssey? I’m running out on the road. There is a trojan horse and it is going to hit me.
Vergilius You hear this song playing right now? This is your fault.
??? Our fault?
Vergilius You told the most active and rambunctious branch of Limbus Company that they were allowed to do their own thing. The fact that you didn't expect this to happen is completely your fault.
Faust I concur.
??? W-What do you want us to do about it?! I thought you said Miss Faust had a solution!
Vergilius She does, but I also have personal complaints I need to let out about this whole process.
??? And you're using this fucking song by Sinner #13 to blackmail us???
Vergilius Blackmail? You're talking to The Red Gaze. I can literally use my strength as blackmail if I wanted to.
Vergilius You'll know when I'm blackmailing. No, this is just us going over the terms and conditions real quick of these added endeavors.
Location: Mephistopheles
Vergilius Forceful persuasion.
Heathcliff The hell could they possibly be needing us for content-wise anyway?
Vergilius You will be debriefed on that when we get there.
Ryoshu So it could still be a battle royale.
Vergilius It is not a battle royale.
Ryoshu Are you sure?
Vergilius If there are no more questions, we should be heading to the vehicle that just arrived at our location.
Vergilius Let's make this quick...
I... can't possibly imagine what the hell Limbus Company needs all of us for.
Must be important given the fact that whatever we did a few days ago sent an Arbiter here.
Location: LCM Content Creation Team Recording Unit
Hohenheim You sure took your good time, y'know.
Ishmael Wait, they have you working in this division too, Hohenheim?
Hohenheim Are you surprised? I had assumed my natural disposition screamed "terminally online" to most people.
Hohenheim Okay, so, how we're going to do this is that we're going to have all 12 of you in that room-
Ryoshu For a battle royale.
Hohenheim ...Vergilius, I thought you told her it wasn't a battle royale.
Ryoshu Pfft. I'm just saying it to be annoying.
Ryoshu ...F.B.P. I.J.S.O.M.A.
Sinclair ♫Booted up my PC, 'cause I need, need, to get that Fortnite battle paaaaass...♫
Don Quixote Why must one need a pass to battle during a fortnight?
Hohenheim PLEASE shut the fuck up.
Hohenheim Anyway, I need you all in that room. What this video is going to be is a live reaction to data we've compiled about your exploits so far.
Hohenheim It's all anonymous, so don't go expecting to hunt anybody down if you receive information you don't like.
Rodion Ah, you won't have to worry about that from some of us. Meur probably wouldn't care either way~
Meursault Should I have a reason to?
Rodion No, probably not. I mean, it's just words at the end of the day, right?
Rodion Sticks and stones break bones, but I'll be damned if I ever let anyone's words hurt me.
Outis Didn't you ban a guy from your stream last week?
Rodion That is because his words were bordering sexual harassment, not because they hurt.
Hohenheim Glad to see chemistry's already off the charts...
Faust We were pre-packaged with this type of energy, Hohenheim. This is what you signed up for.
Hong Lu Yeah, I don't exactly know what else you could've been expecting~
It takes a few moments, but the Sinners all get settled down in their seating arrangement, from 1 to 13.
This included me as well, for... some reason. I guess the data they compiled included me?
Vergilius and Charon are on an elevated seating arrangement sitting behind us.
Hohenheim Do you all have any questions before we start filming?
Might as well ask...
Remembering that Hohenheim probably wouldn't be able to hear me, I write on my whiteboard.
Dante's Whiteboard "WHY AM I HERE?"
Faust Ah. Dante must be asking about why exactly they're on set with us given that they don't run a channel.
Hohenheim True. However, you're their social media manager.
Hohenheim Your appearance on camera as the individual holding all of these operations together is imperative for the image we are trying to create.
Outis Must we all have to be on camera?
Hohenheim ...Yes. Why is that even a question?
Outis It pertains to my gimmick. I'm not usually on camera.
Hohenheim Oh, right. You've got that "Nobody" gimmick going on.
Hohenheim Though for this recording, it's important that you're Outis this time. That is what we used for our data.
Hohenheim I don't even know why you had to make that distinction in the first place. You're literally just saying the same word. Outis and Nobody are literally the same word.
Outis Yes, but I use "Nobody" as my mask.
Hohenheim You're using "Nobody" to mask the existence of "Nobody". Does that not look weird to you?
Outis I-... LOOK, I don't do this Internet shit. I am trying my best.
Gregor Wait, so you've just been mimicking yourself, Outis?
Faust Do NOT say that word.
Gregor What word, mimic?
Faust Yes. You are banned from that word.
Hohenheim CAN WE GET THE RECORDING STARTED? Fuck...
Hohenheim Alyssa, start the camera.
Alyssa Okay. Recording in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Alyssa Rolling.
Hohenheim Okay, welcome to the first-
Faust I want to do the introduction.
Hohenheim ...Faust, please.
Faust This is going up as the first video on the Limbus Company group channel, an idea I helped created, not you. I want to do the introduction.
Rodion S-Should this really matter?
Faust It matters immensely to me, yes.
Heathcliff Lass, are you really gonna be this petty right now?
Faust Yes.
Yi Sang softly puts a hand on Faust's shoulder.
Yi Sang Soothe your tone slightly, Miss Faust. It will be difficult for you to negotiate the terms you wish for within this argument if you come off this headstrong.
Faust I am NOT coming off headstrong. I just wish for my credit.
Hong Lu I can definitely see where Faust is coming from.
Hong Lu It's a little bit unbecoming of you as a man to take credit for a woman's idea, Hohenheim~
Hohenheim I-I'm not even trying to take credit for it. I am JUST doing the intro.
Hong Lu An intro which the co-creator of this channel wants to do, clearly! Stop taking her credit~
Hohenheim Are you fucking with me right now?
Charon Charon thinks Verg should do the intro.
Vergilius Charon, don't add more enkephalin to this burning bus.
Ishmael Haaah... Somehow, this being the introduction to the first video this company puts out as a brand just feels right.
Hohenheim I-It'll not be this messy in post-production as long as Faust learns to behave.
Faust But-
Vergilius Stand down for now, Miss Faust. We can have a... consultation... with the higher-ups again later about this.
Hohenheim ...I don't like the way he said that.
Hohenheim We have that on camera. I feel like this is liable as evidence in court if anything happens.
Vergilius I'm merely jesting, Hohenheim.
Hohenheim G-Good. Good...
Hohenheim Right. The intro. Where was I?
Alyssa We're welcoming the audience to the first Limbus Company group video.
Hohenheim Okay, okay. Ahem.
Hohenheim Hello, and welcome to the first video on the Limbus Company Media Team's group channel. As you can see, we've got the entire staff of LCM here with us today.
Hohenheim I-I'm going to just, uh... allow them to introduce themselves. They seem to be quite rowdy today.
The Sinners then try to all do their introductions at the same time, aside from Meursault, who doesn't really have one. Some of them were audibly louder than others, though.
Don Quixote WONDERFUL DAYBREAK, POST MERIDIAN, OR NIGHTFALL TO YOU ALL! I AM THE RIGHTEOUS FIXER, DON QUIXO-
Hong Lu Hello, hello, hello! My name's Hong Lu, and I run StoryOfThe-
Rodion Hello, privyet~ Presenting the card shark of LCM, I'm Rodya~ I hope you guys are-
Sinclair W-What's up, everyone??? It's me, Sinclair! I-I run SinStor-
Heathcliff's confused on whether or not he has to do his intro first or Ishmael's.
This is already going extremely well.
Vergilius butts in quickly, stopping us in our tracks.
Vergilius Haaaah... One at a time, Sinners. One at a time.
Hohenheim Yes, that is for the best. Go in order. From left to right, go.
Vergilius ...You do realize that could mean either your left or theirs, correct?
Faust Faust could've prepared this intro better.
Hohenheim For fuck's sake- START FROM SINNER #1 AND #2.
Yi Sang That would be us...
Yi Sang Mmm. I am Yi Sang.
Faust And I am Faust.
Yi Sang and Faust Together, we make Saingeom.
Don Quixote Salutations! I am The Righteous Fixer, Don Quixote!!!
Ryoshu Yo. It's Ryoshu.
Meursault ...
Meursault Meursault.
Hong Lu I am Hong Lu! I run StoryOfTheStone.
Heathcliff The name's Heathcliff, otherwise known as CatherinesHusband.
Ishmael Pfft. You might as well have just said CatherinesHusband twice with how much you talk about whoever she is.
Heathcliff Ah, shut the hell up, video game girl.
Ishmael We do the same thing, idiot!
Ishmael ...Oh, uh, call me Ishmael. I run the AVGS channel or whatever.
Rodion It's Rodya~
Sinclair S-Sinclair here! I'm the guy behind SinStories.
Outis I am Nobody, otherwise known as Outis.
Gregor I'm Gregor, but, ah... I go by greg.
Faust We have our manager here with us as well.
Oh. Well, uh... Guess they put me on the spot. I wave to the camera.
Faust They are mute, in a sense.
Charon Charon is already bored. Need to drive bus... Need stimulation of open road...
Vergilius We'll get you back behind the wheel in a moment, Charon.
Heathcliff We have no idea why the company brought us here!
Hohenheim I told you all why we brought you here mere moments before we started filming...
Ishmael Pfffft. If anyone was gonna forget, of course it'd be Heathcliff.
Heathcliff Shut up.
Hohenheim In any case...
Hohenheim then points to Marton, who turns a projector on.
Hohenheim We will be showing you data we've compiled anonymously from bystanders in The City who have witnessed your exploits. No worries, it's a small sample size, so it'll be quick and easy.
Hohenheim I'll look to get the easier question out of the way early.
The first slide goes over how I've been as a manager from a public standpoint, it would seem.
Outis Heh. As expected from our Executive Manager. Near perfect resounding approval.
Sinclair "If Dante has no fans, I am dead"... Interesting wording.
Hohenheim I had no say in that. Regardless, it was clear to us that we needed to make sure public relations with the Manager have been going well first and foremost, given they can't speak normally.
Hohenheim 91.7% of people claim that you are competent just from an eye glance, meaning you must be doing something right. How does that make you feel?
Dante <...>
Truthfully, even with how stressful these situations can get sometimes, it's good to be appreciated, so...
Dante's Whiteboard ":D"
I draw a smile on my whiteboard.
Rodion Awwww~ Isn't that cute?
Vergilius Why are you out asking strangers how the manager is doing?
Hohenheim It's strictly just to see how we're doing with the populace, Vergilius.
Vergilius Wouldn't we want to ask the people that have contracted us?
Hohenheim Too small of a sample size. Would just be us in-house and those representatives from K Corp., T Corp., W Corp., and P Corp.
Heathcliff Could've asked that chicken seller too... Eunbong, I think?
Faust That doesn't necessarily sound like a small sample size.
Hohenheim Trust me. I accounted for the possibility. It would've been.
Hohenheim Though this begs the question: How do the other Sinners feel about Dante?
Oh no.
Yi Sang Mmmm... Their decisions are made a bit hastily, but I believe they have what it takes to get us all through to the light at the end of the tunnel. They've helped me plenty already.
Faust I generally agree with that statement.
Most of the rest of the Sinners nod or just generally look agreeable to that.
Don Quixote For me, Manager Esquire is not just a "competent manager", but a worthy ally to keep close!
Ryoshu Anyone that lets me do my art without questioning me much is in my good graces, so the clock's fine with me.
Outis Those that do not respect our Executive Manager aren't people I would want in my good graces.
Ryoshu ...Doing tricks on it again, Outis.
Sinclair Who taught you that???
Hong Lu I'm surprised it wasn't you~
Hohenheim Moving on.
Morton moved to a different slide.
Hohenheim ...I am not responsible for this question either.
Don Quixote Eh... Verily, I have no idea what this information is supposed to mean. Ships? Like boats?
Don Quixote Is this supposed to assess our aquatic prowess should we be stranded at sea together?
Ishmael N-No, no, it's... It's a different type of ship. It's a chart based on romantic compatibility.
Ryoshu What in the fuck?
Ishmael facepalms for a moment while her face goes slightly red.
Ishmael Haaaaah... Who asked this?
Ishmael And why is there other people within the data? I thought it was gonna be just, y'know, LCB.
Hohenheim It was at first, but then, uh... we may have gone a little silly.
Alyssa giggles in the background. ...Perhaps the Sinners now have a culprit for who asked.
Charon Charon hopes you weren't silly enough to put Charon in this data.
Charon Charon's only interested in driving Mephi and eating snacks.
Hohenheim You're not in here, don't worry. Now, the interesting thing to me is that relationships involving Heathcliff got brought up the most.
Heathcliff How's that interesting to you? What, you think I don't know what women like? I'm not that thick in the head.
Hohenheim There is also a lot of overlap with Don Quixote.
Don Quixote As expected! An adventurer such as myself is typically fawned over by those amazed by my brilliance.
Ishmael Don Quixote, with all due respect, I'm not gonna go out with you because this survey mentioned us as a potential pairing.
Ryoshu Yeah, no. Not happening with me either.
Meursault I do not see the two of us as compatible in anything that isn't our current work environment. This is not because I dislike you, but rather due to the fact that emotions for me at this time are irrelevant.
Sinclair Uh...
Well, at least Sinclair's not outright denying the idea.
Don Quixote Ah, but even the denial of such an endeavor is just you all showing your tsoondareaye sides to me!
Don Quixote No need to fight over me, my friends! After all, I would simply decline such advancements on account of not wanting to make this family any more complicated than it already- Why is one of the slices of this data pie Sancho twice?
Don Quixote That is... They are boating me with myself?!
Meursault Why is one of the choices "Meursault/The Voice of The Distortion"?
Sinclair If I may ask, who is "Reader"?
Hohenheim Oh, that's just the taker of the survey shipping themselves with you.
Sinclair WHAT.
Rodion I don't know what's weirder. The fact that it happened to both me and you once, or the fact that two people both independently see themselves having a future with Hong Lu.
Hong Lu I can't blame them. I'd want a future with me too~
Rodion It somehow has the same amount of votes as me and Gregor... W-Wait, me and Gregor?
Gregor Funny how this assumes I'm even ready to settle down with anyone right now. Though I guess if it were anyone in this room... Rodya wouldn't be the worst option.
Rodion You're saying that like I'm not even that special of an option~
Gregor Eh, I mean, there's quite a lot of people within The City. A lot are bound to act like you.
Rodion But can many of them speak fluent Russian while also knowing a ton about gambling~?
Gregor Fair point.
Sinclair I guess comparatively, it's a little more comforting to be shipped with people like Don Quixote and Ryoshu...
Hong Lu So Sinclair's type is old. Noted~
Sinclair N-NO!
Hong Lu Ah, c'mon, there's no shame. Don's hundreds upon hundreds of years old, and Ryoshu at least *looks* like she could be your mom.
Ryoshu S.T.F.U.
Hong Lu In a good way, Shu, calm down~!
Hong Lu Hey, look. Someone out there apparently thinks we can be a good match too. What do you think about that?
Ryoshu ...
Ryoshu looks around for a moment, trying to find the words to best explain what's going on in her mind.
She then settles on a few simple ones.
Ryoshu ...I don't hate it.
Hong Lu Oh, so you like it then~?
Ryoshu Not what I said. I just don't hate it. Tolerable.
Sinclair Why does one of the responses include a comment saying "Sinclair gets passed around the girls like a bottle of Adderall in a high school bathroom"?
Rodion Just don't think about it too hard, Sinc.
Ryoshu I wouldn't touch Adderall anyway. I puff cigs.
Rodion Yeah, uh, alcohol's already a good enough vice for me personally~
Faust Faust prefers coffee.
Yi Sang Dongbaek/Yi Sang, Yi Sang/The League of Nine... Who is out there fantasizing romantic scenarios with me and my dead or missing fellows?
Yi Sang Y-Yi Sang/Sang Yi??? ...That's my mirror self. I conferenced with him when I was depressed.
Yi Sang How are Yi Sang/Faust and Yi Sang/Hong Lu among the only normal options I have?
Faust You think us being together is normal?
Yi Sang R-Relatively speaking, yes! The data proves it, look. We have tied with Heathcliff and Ishmael in public standing.
Faust ...Huh. That we have.
Ishmael Wait, WHAT?
Ishmael takes a closer look at the data again.
Ishmael So, hang on a second. They see a guy who willingly named himself "Catherine's Husband", someone so willing to preserve and protect the legacy of a woman literally NO ONE ELSE KNOWS.
Ishmael And they think they see a future with him and me together? Above him and that woman???
Hohenheim Apparently.
Ishmael ...Why???
Rodion To be fair, it's not like you're helping those allegations get any smaller. You hang out with him all the time~
Ishmael That shouldn't mean anything! We live in the same bus, of course I'm gonna see him every day.
Outis You specifically forced *him* to do your intro for your videos.
Ishmael I-It was funny! He went along with it!
Heathcliff You forced me to learn guitar.
Ishmael ...Et tu, Heathcliff?
Heathcliff H-Hey! I'm not trying to argue in defense of whatever these idiots are claiming we are! I'm just saying... You forced me to learn guitar.
Sinclair He saved you once, and you were checking on him a lot while we were at Wuthering Heights...
Ishmael It's just empathy! Y-You felt it for Don Quixote, and you don't see me claimi-
Faust You both also back each other up a lot in battle.
Meursault Your last identities as of recently were connected within the same mirror world.
Ishmael T-T-That's circumstantial!
Outis You're getting awfully defensive for someone who wants to pretend the possibility can't exist.
Rodion Right? I mean, her girlfriend's dead, he's grieving over someone that I'm pretty sure doesn't exist...
Rodion One plus one makes two~
Ishmael Fuck, man. Feels like I'm fighting an eleven versus one out here.
Heathcliff ELEVEN? I hate this as much as you do!
Ishmael Dude, I'm not counting you. We all know who else is supporting this inside of their head.
Ishmael then turned her attention right towards... ME? What did she say fuck me for?!
She then turns back to Heathcliff, sighing.
Ishmael Look, Heathcliff, it's nothing against you, but I'm not trying to be known as the dumbass's wife.
Heathcliff Well, I'm not trying to be known as the dumbass's husband, so there.
Ishmael Shut up...
Rodion Would you rather be shipped with Heathcliff or Pamphlets? 'Cause that's also one of the options.
Ishmael I'm not answering that. How did they even know I'm the only one that reads the pamphlets in this company's fucking branch?
Vergilius There is someone out there thinking about me being with the manager romantically.
Dante <WHAT?>
Ishmael OH, shit, I didn't even see that.
Outis Not even the Executive Manager's safe...
Heathcliff Thought more people would've shipped them with the bootlicker over there.
Outis Hey! I have a wife at home.
Heathcliff Oh, look at that! Nobody has a wife. How cute.
Outis Yeah. A wife and kid. Got further than you ever did, evidently.
Heathcliff ...You ever say some shit like that to me again, and I'll be the reason you can't wake up in the morning.
Outis Like how you make it hard for Ishmael to wake up in the morning?
Heathcliff YOU FUCKIN' SLANDEROUS BITCH.
Ishmael Ugh. Guess that's gonna be a soundbyte.
Ishmael I'd just like to note that one of the choices someone gave was apparently all of us being in a polycule.
Hong Lu Oh! I know what that is! It's like when you have multiple wives or husbands.
Gregor I think that's called... a haram?
Hong Lu Arent't they called pīn fù~?
Sinclair Harem, both of you. A harem. And that's not what any of that is.
Sinclair They're suggesting we're all in a relationship with each other.
Gregor How the hell would that even work...?
Ryoshu D.K.D.C.
Gregor No, seriously, that's actually kind of intriguing. That would be around... 12 people. And a living clock. All just together?
Vergilius I seriously do not want to have to think about that right now, Gregor.
Vergilius Having to deal with all of them together would make me want to ask Charon to run me over.
Gregor Fair, but it's interesting to think about. I've always really considered myself to be a one person guy.
Outis Same here. Monogamy is already a headache sometimes...
Faust Technically speaking, there is probably a mirror world where we were able to make this Sinner Polycule work.
Faust But I doubt it is this one.
Hohenheim Why don't we move on to the real reason why we're here, eh? The Popularity Poll.
Vergilius The... popularity poll?
Charon Charon feels like this won't end well.
Moving to the last slide, we see four different charts. They range from the first, second, and third favorite, uh... "character", to least favorite.
I guess they explained our situation as if it were some sort of play.
Faust Hohenheim.
Hohenheim Okay, this one CAN be blamed on me. But it's interesting data, you have to admit! Take a look at it.
Ryoshu If I am not leading in any of the favorite polls, I will-
Hohenheim Start a battle royale, YES, we get it.
Ryoshu ...I was going to say S.Y.N.C., actually.
Meursault You seem to be having good results overall, Ryoshu. Just from what I've seen on these polls so far.
Ryoshu Good.
Heathcliff Damn, people REALLY hate Hopkins. ...Who the hell was that?
Yi Sang My memory is failing me on recalling that particular person.
Vergilius I cannot help but feel like this question and the prior one were asked to stir drama, Hohenheim.
Rodion Hey, can we talk about how Chiquita's basically dominating the first and second place poll over there?
Don Quixote Thou art surely jesting.
Don Quixote takes a look at the charts side by side.
Don Quixote Oh... OH! The truth was being told!!!
Don Quixote I knew that I would find myself embraced by the masses as a legendary Fixer one day... B-But I did not realize it would be so soon!
Don Quixote Oh... Oh my goodness. I may tear up.
Rodion Well, good for you! You deserve it.
Rodion Kinda wish I could say the same, but... ehehe.
Meursault "Meursault is at the bottom because I dislike the French." ...Okay.
Rodion Hey, at least there's people that think they can be like you in that also. Look, there's a response that says they dream to be like you one day!
Meursault Okay.
Rodion Dude, isn't that, like, nice to hear???
Meursault Perhaps. Do you get enjoyment out of someone having you as a favorite because you like food?
Rodion I-I mean, yeah! A little! It's good to see that people can relate.
Meursault Anyone can like food.
Rodion ...B-But I do it the best~
Sinclair "Protected at all cost"? Me? I-I can protect myself...
Ryoshu Sure you can. Suuuure.
Sinclair I-I can!!! My palm calluses...
Outis "Fuck Outis becuase she's racist towards bloodfiends".
Outis If fearing factors that were not told to us beforehand that could've jeopardized the mission is wrong, fuck it. I don't wanna be right.
Don Quixote To be fair, Lady Outis, one can be correct without bigotry.
Outis I-I wasn't even saying what I said out of being racist! ...I think.
Hong Lu You did call her an "unpredictable animal", Outis.
Gregor You said you could've been much worse if Dante wasn't around.
Ishmael You made Heathcliff sound reasonable.
Heathcliff Lass, you said we were here to "exterminate their kind."
Nobody ...Nobody is becoming a victim of cancel culture.
Yi Sang "Yi Sang is my son." Uh... Did one of my parents write this? It does mention a proud father here...
Faust There is someone who picked me as a favorite because, and I quote, "faustfaustfastfaustfaustfaustfaustfaustfaustfaustufautafusastufastfaust".
Faust What does this mean?
Yi Sang I have no clue, and yet I can still relate to it.
Faust Do you also relate to the one that says "I want her to represent my emitter until I heal 12 sp"?
Yi Sang Pardon me?
Faust Do you also relate to the person that said they liked me, Ishmael, and Dulcinea for "six big reasons"?
Yi Sang You are assuming things of me t-that I have not even voiced, Miss Faust. I am confused as to what "six big reasons" could even-
Faust Human breasts, Yi Sang.
Yi Sang Oh.
Heathcliff Someone has you as a favorite because you "yap the least", which is absolutely not true.
Faust I find that to be completely factual, actually. All that Faust says is important.
Gregor "You know that meme of 'Hello kitty pajama's girlfriend or a goth femboy oooooh decisions decisions' - that's Xichun and Gregor for me, I won't say who is who tho."
Gregor What does any of this even... I am already missing when I was just being called a dad.
Rodion Oooh, oooh, Gregor babe! Just a little mischievous question for the camera.
Rodion Between these two choices, for the rest of your life, would you rather be called Dad or Daddy?
Gregor I'm not answering that.
Ryoshu If you don't answer, your preferred choice will be Senior Citizen.
Gregor Genuinely, I am considering going for that one.
Sinclair You'd prefer being called an Unc?
Gregor What the fuck even is that???
Sinclair Oh my God, I have never realized you were this fossil-coded before.
Gregor Fossil-coded???
Ishmael Y'know, it just... It gets to a point where I wonder what the fuck I'm doing with my life sometimes.
Heathcliff Whoa, lass, calm down a bit. It's just a meaningless poll.
Ishmael Easy for you to say when people like you for reasons that aren't surface-level.
Heathcliff ...Someone mentioned they liked me because I was British.
Ishmael What the fuck are you talking about?
Heathcliff No, like, seriously, it's right there.
Ishmael Let me see this.
Ishmael ...Okay, I stand corrected a little, but still, most of what people say for you is actually encouraging. I'm pretty sure I can't even repeat some of what's said for me.
Heathcliff Do you actually care that much?
Ishmael Do you not?
Heathcliff It's just words, man. Words and fuckin' numbers, like, who cares?
Heathcliff People think we go well together, doesn't make it true all of a sudden.
Ishmael Someone straight up hates me because the idea of people thinking we work together exists.
Heathcliff Who gives a shit?
Ishmael I DO, 'cause like, why would someone care that much?!
Heathcliff You care enough to comment on it.
Ishmael Am I not allowed to??? I feel like it'd be weird if I didn't!
Heathcliff And I feel like it's weird TO comment on it.
Ishmael You're weird!
Heathcliff YOU'RE weird!
Ishmael YOU'RE WEIRD!
Heathcliff ...
Ishmael ...
Hong Lu This is why you two get paired together~
Ishmael and Heathcliff SHUT UP.
Hohenheim Oh, I can already FEEL this shit about to go viral.
Hohenheim #7, you might need to change your name to Ishmael's Husband when this is over.
Hohenheim high fives Alyssa while the rest of us either continue looking at the data or at Ishmael and Heathcliff.
Faust, however, is looking right at Hohenheim with a bitter blank stare.
Faust Did you cherry-pick this data to create narratives, Hohenheim?
Faust These people know things they're not even supposed to. I doubt your claim on them being bystanders is even accurate.
Hohenheim I did no such thing! The data tells the story. And whatever stories the viewers may want to run with at the end of the day is what will get popular.
Hohenheim Not my fault that your antics are so potently entertaining.
Faust This doesn't answer the other query I have.
Hohenheim Come now, Faust... If I gave away all my secrets, there'd be no mystery.
Vergilius Quite the daring individual when it comes to science, huh? One of these days, that might net you being six feet under.
Hohenheim Well, I'm glad today's not that day.
Hohenheim I can record an outro later. This is all I needed you guys for. Shut the camera off for now, Alyssa.
Ishmael Fuck's sake... I'm going to harpoon myself.
Dante <Well, at least you can say you incriminated yourself less than Outis did.>
Yet another PR nightmare to worry about. Fun.

Notes:

Translated Ryoshu SANGRIA:
F.B.P. I.J.S.O.M.A. - Fortnite Battle Pass, I just shit out my ass (i am going to hell for that one)
S.T.F.U. - Shut that flaphole, ugly
D.K.D.C. - Don't know, don't care

i made the survey on the whim of "its funny" and 5k words later i dont regret my decision at all - J
originally this was straight up meant to only be a popularity poll fic but then it turned into a survey and i was like "fuck how much of this can i use"... turns out, still a lot. some of the responses on it were WILD - V

Chapter 2: The Rest of the Fucking Data

Summary:

We show you the rest of the fucking data.

Notes:

Do I have to repeat the introduction note again? - J
it is indeed the rest of the fucking data - V

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Popularity Poll: The Rest of the Fucking Data

Notes:

highlights for short answers not in the story include:
>jun as the worst, because he 'countered my burn team'
>4 separate people independently writing on how they hate guido
>"Picking a least favorite character was really hard, because even the characters I dislike, I dislike them because they're really well written and compelling antagonists. Like Ahab for example, I hate her guts and she's like omega super evil 9000, but she's such a fantastic foil for Ishmael, and I love Ishmael's journey throughout her canto grappling with the trauma and scars Ahab left. She's a character that I love to hate. Thus, my only real options were characters that I feel literally nothing about, or characters that I dislike and don't think add anything. That leaves me with basically only Crayon, because I feel nothing about crayon."
>the first kindred don quixote as a favourite, because the submitter has father issues
>'bari is like a mom'
>somebody who hates kim because of kurokumo supremacy, and somebody else who independently hates jun because of blade lineage supremacy
>"me/those six reasons"
- J

if i added everything I found funny from this survey this fic would've been about twice as long - V