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English
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Published:
2025-03-23
Updated:
2025-10-20
Words:
1,392
Chapters:
31/50
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79
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Superheroes Off Duty (Tactical Geniuses, Household Disasters)

Summary:

Everyone lives, and everyone is friends with everyone...most of the time. An Avengers’ Guide to Household Chaos.
Thor loves cake, Clint lives in the vents, Natasha is the scary aunt, Loki is the cool uncle, Nick Fury wants to off himself, everyone tries to parent Peter and somehow in the middle I put Tony and Stephen Strange together. Just superheroes that live together and have super normal roommate problems.
Made of short interactions and drabbles.

Chapter 1

Chapter Text


Loki: Ah, Peter Tonyson, I am Loki of Asgard-
Peter: uh... Mr. Loki, that's not my last
name.
Loki: Oh, my apologies, Peter Steveson.
Peter: No.
Loki: Bruceson?
Peter: No.
Loki: Pepperson?
Peter: No.
Loki: Stephenson?
Peter: Mr. Loki, it's-
Loki: *gasp* Lokison?!
Peter: What, no- !

Chapter 2

Chapter Text


Peter: 51 looks like SI
Peter: therefore area 51 is actually owned by Tony Stark
Tony:
Tony: somehow you got the correct outcome from a wildly unscientific method
Peter: I'm just good like that
Peter, realising: wait, WHAT

Chapter 3

Chapter Text


Peter: I'm just curious! Do you think, with our advanced healing, we could actually drink bleach?
Steve: ...
Bucky: ...
Scott: well there's only one way to find-
Tony, spraying them all with water: ABSOLUTELY NOT

Chapter 4

Chapter Text

Steve: *meeting Stephen for the first time* And what are you doing again?
Stephen: Well, I take care of all the mystic threats against the Earth.
Steve: I've never heard of any mystic threats.
Stephen: Yeah because I do my fucking JOB. How's Hydra, Steve?

Chapter 5

Chapter Text

Peter: *comes home at 2 am*
Tony: *turns his chair* where were you?
Peter: *yelp* with Cap!
Steve: *turns his chair * wanna try again?
Peter: not you!

Carol: sup losers

Chapter 6

Chapter Text


Natasha: What are you doing?
Bucky: *digging through a jar of M&M's and putting some in a separate bowl* Sam really likes the green ones, so I'm separating them. 
Natasha: That's...weirdly sweet of you
Bucky: I plan to eat them in front of him and then run.

Chapter 7

Chapter Text


In the future, at Sam's funeral

Bucky: I'll never forget the last words he told me before he fell off the ladder and snapped his neck.
Steve: What were they?
Bucky: "Stop shaking the ladder, you idiot."

Chapter 8

Chapter Text


Mr. Stark: *calls Peter son once in public*
Media: PETER PARKER OR PETER STARK
Media: TONY STARK'S ILLEGITIMATE SON
Pepper: Tony you need to do a press conference to sort this out. Just tell them he's not your son
Tony: at the press conference
Hello yes this is my kid Peter Parker-Stark, the sole heir to my research, my
fortune, and my company 
Pepper: repeatedly beating her head against the wall why do I even try

Chapter 9

Chapter Text

Peter: *sneaks back into his room at 4am after patrol night*
Steve: *turns in a swivel chair* Care to tell me where you were? 
Peter: Yelp I was with...uh... Uncle Bucky! 
Bucky: *also turns in swivel chair* Care to tr- *keeps spinning* uh Steve I can't stop the chair- 
Peter: I meant... I was with Dr. Dad Strange
Strange: *turns on the light* honestly Peter, you would think spider-man would know how to be sneakier 

Peter: ...why do I keep forgetting my family is made of superpeople

Chapter 10

Chapter Text


Natasha: *Angry lecturing Peter in Russian*
Peter: I know. I'm sorry.
Steve: Since when you speak Russian?
Peter: I don't. I just know "Are you fucking crazy? Don't you ever do that again!" In every language Ms. Romanoff speaks.

Chapter 11

Chapter Text

Thor: Loki, I brought you here to learn how to have compassion for Midgard humans...where did I go wrong?
MJ: You let him talk to Gen Z kids?


Teen Loki, laying upside down on the couch: If we eat the rich, we would only have a new one percent to worry about.
Peter: And then we would be a cannibalistic society. Probably not the best way to start a new government.
Teen Loki: *crumbles up notes and throws it missing the trash can*
Loki & Peter: sigh Big mood.

Chapter 12

Notes:

I'm seriously thinking of creating/posting an entire new work of "chapters" like this one. Something along the lines of "From the office of Nick Fury (or How to lead an Avengers Team without losing your mind)"

Chapter Text

Chapter 13

Chapter Text

Buying groceries


Bucky: I can't find the cheese Sam wants, so if you see it, scream. 
Clint, upon spotting said cheese: *Just points at it and screams at the top of his lungs*
Bucky, screaming even louder: NOT LIKE THAT

Chapter 14

Chapter Text

Peter: MR. STARK DAD PLEASE-
Tony:  NO PATROL WITH WILSON *making a peppermint circle around himself* NO HUGS FOR YOU

Rhodey: *turns to the invisible camera*
Rhodey: I sometimes wonder why I still live here...

Chapter 15

Chapter Text


Making Tony Stark Eat: A guide by Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes


Steve: Come on, eating is so important. Look, I'll even make you a sandwich and bring it down to your workshop, and you have to promise you'll eat it.
Tony: Fine, okay, whatever.


Bucky: *throwing his metal arm at Tony* EAT SOME GOD DAMN FOOD YOU FREAK
Tony: FUCK THE SHUT UP CLUCKY
Bucky: I WILL SHOVE THE WHOLE PLATE DOWN UR FUCKIN THROAT. DON'T YOU THINK I WON'T.
Tony: I WILL PHYSICALLY FIGHT YOU
Bucky: *launching breadsticks across the room like projectiles* I. CARE. ABOUT. YOUR. WELLBEING. EAT OR I WILL SHOOT YOU, YOU SMURF
Tony: *screaming*
Bucky: *also screaming*

 

Nick Fury: *looks at the invisible camera* You know, them being enemies was way better than this...

Chapter 16

Chapter Text


Tony: Where's Morgan?
Rhodey: Barnes's playing dress-up with her
Tony: He is...what?
Sam: *shrugs* She was upset about some kid in school
Pepper: That's weirdly sweet of him, distracting her like that
Rhodey:
Rhodey: Sure. That's what he's doing...

Meanwhile

Bucky: *going through Morgan's closet* Now these shoes have a reinforced sole, meaning your kick's gonna be twice as painful

Chapter 17

Chapter Text

Chapter 18

Chapter Text

Steve and Bucky


Bucky: Are you wearing my sweatshirt?
Steve: Yeah, I couldn't find any of mine
Bucky: That's okay

Stephen and Tony


Stephen: Take off my cloak, I have to go back to the Sanctum
Tony: *the cloak wrap itself around his leg* I can't, I tried
Stephen: It likes you
Tony:
Tony: It's fucking terrifying, get it off of me

Chapter 19

Chapter Text

Steve: Oh sure! When this kid wants to fight crime and giant aliens it's fine...but when i wanted to just join the army, you had an issue with it!
Bucky, calmly: Steve, THINK. Peter can lift cars. You couldn't even breathe right.

Steve: Details.

Chapter 20

Chapter Text

Fury: we need you Spider-Man. Captain marvel is off earth.
Peter, on a space phone: Aunt Carol, your mean SHIELD friend is making me skip school.
Carol: Give me 5 minutes.

Chapter 21

Chapter Text

Thor: Brother, have you seen Mjolnir?

Loki, tossing Mjolnir casually: Oh, this old thing?

*Horror movie scream, Thor faints*

*5 hours earlier*

Tony: Why would do you want to borrow my 3D printer?

Chapter 22

Chapter Text

Tony: I got Netflix for you like you asked!
Peter: OH! That's awesome! I've been mooching off of Ned's account for years. This will be nice.
Tony: Wait, what do you mean account?
Peter: His Netflix account?
Tony: ...
Peter: Like his profile? I wanted one of my own, they're like $8
Tony: ...
Tony: Oh 
Tony: You mean an account on the platform....
Peter: Yeah, what did you think I mean? Wait, what did you buy?
Tony: ...


Tony: Netflix

Chapter 23

Chapter Text

Shuri: What if people had food names and food had people names?
Shuri, to Peter: Hey Spaghetti, time for dinner.
Peter: What are we having?
Shuri: T'Challa.
T'Challa: How am I related to you?
Shuri: Shut up, Potato.
T'Challa: looking at Bucky This is all your fault, you're the one that thought it was a good idea to let these two met

Chapter 24

Chapter Text

Chapter 25

Chapter Text

Rocket: Toss me my keys
[crash]
Rocket: I SAID MY KEYS
Groot: I am groot
Rocket: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I SAY MICROWAVE-

Chapter 26: Chapter 26

Notes:

Lol I forgot about this work but I have lots of things in the memo app :)

I also got sick, broke my car and the professor that i was writing my thesis with died☠️ F*ck the Ao3 author curse

Chapter Text

Bucky : Why is Sam crying?

Steve : He did one of those Buzzfeed quiz "what Avengers are you?".

Bucky : And...? What was the result?

Steve : trying not to laugh his ass off  You

Chapter 27: Chapter 27

Chapter Text

Tony : walking out of the lab after a long while

Tony : what's this weird smell?

Stephen : Fresh air

Tony : Ew

Chapter 28: Chapter 28

Chapter Text

Tony: I think I'm coming down with something, I've been feeling nauseous lately
Peter: Maybe you're pregnant
Tony: ...
Peter: ...
Stephen: I don't know who's the bigger idiot right now, you because you suggested it, or me, a doctor, because I just had a heart attack

Chapter 29: Chapter 29

Chapter Text


Peter: I wanna be a bad boy.
Tony: You're too nice, Peter. Never gonna happen.


Later that day


Peter: I was thinking about what you said earlier about me not being a bad boy. 
Tony: Okay...and?
Peter: I was thinking... if I can't be a bad boy, then I can be friends with them.
Tony: Peter-
Peter: Meet Deadpool and Eddie with Venom, my new besties!
Tony: OH HELL NO

Chapter 30: Chapter 30

Chapter Text

*Thor hands peter a mug of beer*

Thor: Exellent work in the mission man of spiders!

Tony: Thor the kid is 15.

Thor: Oh!

*hands peter two mugs of beer*

Thor: You are a growing boy.

Tony: Thor no.

Chapter 31: Chapter 31

Chapter Text

Peter, angrily pointing at his history book

Bucky: I was having a bad day!