Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

To his credit, Kai doesn't tear into her in front of Lödwyn and Ryngrim. He waits until they're back at camp, well out of the way of anyone but the five of them.

Ilhaera braces for the blow. It's part of why she hesitated so long.

"What were you thinking?" he demands. "Letting her—she killed people, Ilhaera!"

She holds his gaze, even as her heart breaks. He'll never trust her again, not after this. Not after she's condemned his people to death. Even if the deaths end up only being dreamthralls, the fact that she even took the chance…

"I know," she says.

"Ryngrim had the right of it," Yatzli is quick to jump to her defense. "It was an actual solution, rather than 'set something on fire and hope for the best.' Do we really want to be encouraging Lödwyn to commit even more arson?"

"We could've helped Thirdborn fight them off," Kai counters. "You know I don't trust Lödwyn any more than you do, but to just take people's souls like that—"

"I know," she says again. She keeps eye contact. She will not run from this. She made the decision, and she will live with the consequences.

"Then why?" he demands. In her periphery, she sees Yatzli make her way to the others, presumably explaining what just happened.

"There wasn't a good choice," she says, her voice steady, not rising to her own defense. "This will end the spread of the Dreamscourge in Shatterscarp, permanently. Lödwyn's answer would be a stopgap at best. Dreamthralls or the scourge itself might have taken as many or more than Ryngrim's solution in however long it takes us to solve this."

She feels the weight of his anger, his gaze still fixed on her—and, more than his anger, his helplessness. "How can you be so damn calm about this?" he snaps. "You just condemned dozens of people to die, can't you muster up a feeling about it?"

"I feel," she says. "I feel the hollowness of what I have done. I feel the weight of dozens of souls, their bloodless deaths on my hands. Trust me, Kai. I will not turn from this. I know what I have done."

Kai deflates, just a little, and Ilhaera feels a hand on her arm as Giatta interjects from beside her. "There was no good choice," she says. "And the decision is made. Lödwyn is a dangerous fanatic, and Ryngrim's heart is frozen to the world."

"I don't pretend to understand all this bleste nonsense," Marius adds. "But giving Lödwyn what she wants is a bad idea."

Kai's eyes narrow. "So, what, you all support this? Cold blooded murder, even at a distance?"

Giatta gently turns Ilhaera's shoulder until she turns her gaze from Kai. "I support you," she says. "I know you did what you felt was best."

She nods once, and it's that, more than anything, that nearly cracks her. Not Kai's anger—she expected that, braced for it, deserved it—but Giatta's support. "Thanks," she manages to say without bursting into tears. "All of you," she adds, once she has more of a handle on herself. "We should get some rest," she adds. Then, quieter. "I'm sorry."

Giatta squeezes her shoulder. "I know," she says, and lingers for another moment before letting her go.

Yatzli pats her elbow. "You did the right thing, dearie," she says.

Marius shrugs. "Look, you made a decision. That's more than the rest of the nimduts there were doing. Better than I could've done. Don't beat yourself up too much."

And then it's just her and Kai, and now that she's looked away from him, it's so much harder to look back. She makes herself look anyway.

He's still looking at her, and there's conflict in his eyes now—the anger from before, but now there's grief, too, and it's like his whole expression has dimmed.

"I'm sorry," she says again. "I know it doesn't mean much. And I don't even know if I could entirely explain why. It's just… what I felt." Her gaze drops as she shakes her head. "I… understand if you feel you can't…" She stops.

When she looks back at him, she sees confusion. "Can't what?"

"If you want to go," she makes herself say.

The confusion lingers for a moment longer before his eyes widen. "I'm in this till the end," he says. "I told you that."

"I condemned dozens of your people to death," she points out.

He lets out a long breath. "Yeah," he says. "You did. Get some rest, 'haera. I'm not going anywhere."

It's the best she's going to get. Better than she expected. The fact that he can even still look her in the eye after that, that he'll stay by her side…

Maybe she doesn't deserve it. Especially because she doesn't know if she'd choose differently.

Maybe Ryngrim's village was right after all, to die for their principles. Maybe it's not her place to be the one to make the call to sacrifice so the many live.

Maybe it's awful that ultimately she decided because she couldn't give Lödwyn what she wanted.

She doesn't sleep well that night. Even after Sapadal leaves her to her rest.

Chapter Text

She faces Temerti's rage with the same stoicism. It wins her no favors. She's banished from Thirdborn.

She expected it. She deserves it.

They leave by the northern gate, along the road to Galawain's Tusks. Marius is twitchy. Yatzli is working on something or other, and Giatta has begun a small experiment to test the effectiveness of Ryngrim's severing of the adra.

Ilhaera prefers the last watch. She likes to watch the sun rise. Marius wakes her as the sky has just begun to lighten, and she watches. Around them, above them. She sees the stars fade, one by one as the sky turns from black to purple to gray.

The colors of the sunrise haven't yet begun to manifest when someone stirs. Moments later, someone sits beside her. She doesn't need to look to know who.

"Mind if I join you?" Kai asks.

She shakes her head.

He's quiet, just sitting at her side, for several minutes. The sky has lightened still further, some of the edges of the clouds beginning to turn the gold of sunrise before he speaks again.

"You holding up okay?"

She turns to look at him, startled. "You're worried about me?"

There's something deeply gentle in his eyes as he says, "You thought because we disagreed I'd stop caring about you?"

Her gaze drops to the ground beneath them. "You heard Temerti. Three dozen of your people just dropped dead." A pause. "I did that."

He lets the sentence hang in the air between them for several moments before responding. "You're my people too." He nudges her arm and waits for her to look at him. "Sure, Ryngrim still makes my blood run cold. And people died. I can't forget that. But 'haera… I trust you. I trust you more than I've trusted just about anyone."

"Even now?"

"Even now," he says.

"I'm… not used to that," she admits.

"People trusting you?"

She shakes her head. "Not… exactly. People trust me plenty. But this… friendship… I usually have to get them to agree with me. Then they'll trust me. And as long as I can keep getting them to agree with me, we're allies. That's politics. That's being a court mystic. Use what I can glean from a person to guide them where I want them to go, and I keep my allies. You…" She shakes her head, bemused. "You have never been what I expected."

He gives her a crooked smile. "I hope that's a good thing."

She returns it. "The best."

Chapter Text

It's a familiar feeling, different as it is. The borders of the Garden, their camp set up. Ilhaera has taken the last watch, and Kai has risen early to sit with her.

It's not every night. But she relishes the mornings that he joins her.

"Have you thought about after?" he asks.

She exhales through her nose. "My thoughts have been… rather consumed with what to do about the impending deity."

He makes a small sympathetic noise. "Understandable. But us dealing with problems in here doesn't mean they're going to stop out there. And if Giatta's right and time might be different…"

She sighs. "We'll need to be ready for whatever might happen in our absence. And pray that time runs slower instead of faster." She glances skyward. "Not that I've much faith left in the gods, at this point."

He nods. "I hear you." He stares out into the Garden for a long moment. "However we're looking coming out of this, we'll be walking into a powder keg. The Steel Garrote burned Fior to the ground. And I know that was them, not Aedyr, but I'm sure it hasn't escaped people's notice that Aedyr in general hates animancy."

"Fuck the Garrote," she sighs. "Fuck them for stirring up trouble. They want the war. I know they do. They've wanted it this whole time."

"You denouncing them isn't gonna do much to cool heads," Kai points out. "You didn't stop them—I know you couldn't, there was nothing you could've done, but words don't mean much in the face of that."

She sighs again. "Yeah, true. What else?"

"Ryngrim killed a lot of people in Shatterscarp."

She looks away. "You mean I did."

"Ryngrim committed the act," he says evenly. "The Garrote were there, and Aedyr had a garrison. And whatever your intentions, you authorized it. Not the best look."

"Better optics than letting Lödwyn blow up more of the Lands."

He shrugs a shoulder. "Maybe. That's not my point. Point is, it just adds to the unrest, and people are looking for reasons. Even if the reason is a stretch."

"Good thing I didn't burn down Solace then, I guess."

He gives half a wry smile. "For your optics, sure. But Mount Forja erupted for the first time in… what, centuries?"

She gives him a flat look. "It's a volcano," she says. "They cannot possibly be trying to blame Aedyr for a volcano."

"Oh, you'd be surprised," he says. "Lödwyn was there, after all."

She rolls her eyes. "And it was technically her fault, but they don't need to know that, do they?"

"People will assume, regardless of what they know. Look, my point is… I know your orders were to stop the Dreamscourge, not get in the middle of a war. But you've become a lot of things to a lot of people here. And the tension isn't going to go away." He rests his arms on his knees, propped up in front of him. "You're going to have to pick a side."

She takes a deep breath, and finds she's far more ready to answer that than she ever would have dreamed. "I won't let this become what the Steel Garrote wants," she says. "I won't be party to a conquest."

He looks over at her. "I've admired how you stick to your principles," he begins.

She raises a brow. "Even when my principles are just fuck the Steel Garrote?"

He laughs a little. "Even then." The smile fades from his face. "What I mean is… I know what it's like. To be where you are. Takes rock and a hard place to a new level. I fought for Rauatai's interests in the Deadfire for longer than I care to admit. When I lost the stomach for it, I ended up here." He sighs, shaking his head. "But I'll tell you now, I never could've fought my own brothers and sisters. I hope that's not what it comes to. I hope this goes the way you want and you take out the Steel Garrote and everyone else agrees to do diplomacy. But if it does pan out the other way… I understand if that's a line you can't cross."

Her eyes fall closed. "I… appreciate that. I hope it doesn't come to that. But if it does… the people in this camp mean more to me than the whole of Aedyr." She lets out a long, slow exhale. "I'm tired, Kai."

"And you don't mean that in a 'Marius' snoring kept me up half the night' kind of way."

She shakes her head.

"A lot's been asked of you," he says quietly. "And for what it's worth, you've risen to the challenge. Every time. And I want you to know now I'll stand by you. Whatever you decide."

She just lets herself bask, for a moment, in how very much she doesn't deserve him. "What will you do?" she asks quietly. She doesn't mean to say it, it just slips out. "Once all this is over?"

He looks at her. "I don't know," he says. "I've thought of a few things. Maybe it'll depend on how things all turn out."

"Would you stay?" She doesn't really mean to say that, either. But she's tired, and he's… a comfort.

There's something gentle and very, very afraid in his eyes. "You'd want that?"

"O-only if you want to," she says. "I—I just. I feel closer to you than I… ever have to anyone. I… care about you. A lot. A-and maybe it's just me being selfish, but I don't want to lose you."

"No, I… it's not selfish, 'haera. I care about you too."

She looks him in the eye, and she knows if she doesn't say it now, she never will. "I'm… I'm talking about—I have feelings for you."

His eyes go wide. "Oh. Oh!" He blinks a few times. "Well now I feel like an idiot. More than usual, I mean."

She laughs a little, but it does nothing to dispel the sudden nerves mingled with the odd confidence that had her speaking up in the first place. "I'm—I mean I—you don't have to…" She stops, takes a deep breath. "I understand if you don't… I just wanted to…"

Kai smiles. "Don't think I've ever seen you struggle for words before."

She lets her eyes fall closed for a moment, accepts the nerves as a fact of her existence, and the words find their way back to her. "Few things are as important to me as you," she says quietly. "That said, I will understand if you'd prefer I refrain from mentioning it again. If you don't feel the same."

He shakes his head. "No, that's—that's not it. You just—you caught me off guard, is all. If I'm being honest, I didn't… know if I'd be able to feel close to someone again, after Tama. I—I mean, don't get me wrong, I've been with plenty of people in the years since, it's just never been more than a quick bit of fun. Never meant… what he meant." He puts his face in one hand, shaking his head. "I'm really not good at this," he says. "I'm steering right into the rocks, aren't I?"

She lets out a soft laugh. "It's not like I'm doing any better," she points out. "Take your time."

He laughs with her, squeezing her shoulder for a moment before lowering his hand so he can look her in the face. "What I'm trying to say is, I didn't think I'd be able to feel this again. But you… there's something about you. There always has been. You've seen me at my worst. I've told you things I never admitted to anyone, even Tama. If, after all you've seen, everything you know, you still want to be with me, and if that's still what you want when we finish this… I want that too."

Her eyes fall closed as the nerves bleed out of her. "You mean a great deal to me," she says quietly. "I don't know if you've noticed."

Kai looks at her for a long moment. "Come here," he says, and reaches his arm around her. She leans into the touch, maneuvering to rest her head against him without poking him with the fungal growths.

She rests there for several long moments in gentle silence before she speaks again. "I've been alone a long time," she says. "Then I show up here and some aumaua who I suspect of having an ulterior motive promises to help me. He then fails to stab me in the back when he learns his leader is dead and mine isn't. Then he drags my dead body to a healer." She exhales, relaxing against him. "I'm glad you're with me, Kai. Never doubt that."

"I'm glad too," he says quietly. "More than anything."

They sit quietly together, resting against each other, as the sun rises, orange light illuminating the canopy of the Garden below them.

It's the most peace she's felt in years.