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There's something going on between Will and Macklin, everyone on the team knows it, Will's sure Macklin's aware of it as well. Because Will himself is acutely aware that something is off. He cannot put his finger on why something is wrong, just knows that it is, Macklin is kind of pulling away, not in a sense that they don't hang out anymore because they still do, but still. Something is off, Macklin is off, as if he's not really there like he was before, it's hard to explain, Will realizes. He can't even decipher it in his own head. But, something in the air around Macklin is not as it should be, it's as if he's pulled back into a shell that never used to be there. It's driving Will insane, he's questioning everything he's ever done or said to Mack during the season.
Has he done or said something to upset him? Has something happened to Mack that he doesn't want to talk about? How is Will going to fix it without knowing what's wrong? Because whatever it is he feels this huge need to fix it, make it better, for it to go back to what it was. Even though Will wants something other than what's normal, that however is another problem, right now he just needs his kind, smart and silly best friend back.
There are so many questions that he needs the answers to and the only way of getting them is to talk to Macklin. It's just that, some small part of Will's brain is terrified to know the answer because what if Macklin has figured out the fact that he's developed some rather complicated feelings for the younger shark? What if that's the reason Macklin is pulling back? What if he's disgusted and wants nothing to do with Will but he's just too polite to say it out loud? What if, that is the constant question flying around Will's brain, what if?
The team has started to pick up on the fact that something's wrong, or maybe that's not the right word to use, maybe off is better, something's just off. Toff pulled him aside after practice like two weeks ago, told Will he was there if he ever wanted to talk. Will had looked at him and not understood what he meant at all but just answered thanks and then he went on with his day. Until he sat waiting for Macklin to be done showering so they could leave, but then something weird happened that made Will realize something was off in the first place. Macklin told him he was going to get a ride home with Mario. That wouldn't be weird if it weren't for the fact Will and Mack always carpooled, he was shocked and just nodded.
Maybe they were getting too codependent, but then again, that had never been a problem before, why was it suddenly becoming one now? It didn't go on like that, they still carpool but something in the air had become stiff, as if Macklin didn't really want to be there, it hurt. They still hang out but it doesn't feel right, Will feels like he's losing Macklin even though he's still there, it sounds stupid, until Ekky helps him explain what he's feeling without even knowing.
There is this one word in Swedish that Ekky used last week when trying to get to the bottom of whatever is going on between Will and Macklin. Will unfortunately had no answers to give the swede, he is just as lost as everyone else, he just has theories. ut, he doesn't want to share them with the class, he has started to feel like a conspiracy theorist, he really is going insane. Whatever, back to Ekky. He used this Swedish word to describe the vibe he got from whatever's going on between his two teammates.
Will cannot remember what the word itself was, but it is used to describe a quiet bittersweet feeling of longing and sorrow over something that is perceived to have disappeared or have been lost. Will has been thinking of it for the last week and he has a sinking feeling of this being the new normal for them. He doesn't know what Macklin is feeling but he has a longing feeling for what has been. He's not necessarily sad but something tastes kind of bitter if he thinks about it for too long. Something is just not as it should be, is it that they are growing up? He knows he's twenty now and all that, but it seems to be happening too fast, if growing up is what's happening. He feels like he hasn't had the time to prepare, he got no warning in advance and it makes him kind of lightheaded. He's not ready to give up the kind of codependent friendship he and Macklin have, not yet at least. It's like he's losing something he doesn't feel like he should ever be losing.
The worst part of it is that he's with Macklin right now, they are sitting at either side of Macklin's couch. Will knows that Mack's scrolling on tiktok, he can kind of hear it as a quiet buzzing sound, from the other side of the couch, Will however has long forgotten his phone, it lays limply in his hand as he just stares at nothing. Everything he feels is too complicated to put into words even though he really wants to. The word Ekky described feels more and more suitable for whatever he's feeling, it's complex, a feeling of longing to something you haven't even lost yet, something you know you will lose at some point but you can't really pinpoint when, but it will be lost. One day you'll wake up, look back and realize it's gone.
Will looks out the window and knows that spring is around the corner and maybe this is what Ekky meant. You don't feel like this in the fall, when you know summer has gone by, you feel it when summer is just a couple of months away. When you know that, you also know that it will end, summer will end and fall will come once more. Longing for something that's coming and at the same time feeling a bittersweet sorrow, because you know it'll be over. And maybe sorrow is not the right word to use for describing what he feels right now, sure he went to college, but he is still a hockey player. His daily vocabulary mostly consists of chirps and not fancy words for describing his own feelings, give him a break.
The room has fallen silent, Will realizes and when he looks up he's met with those big hazel eyes, looking into his own with a layer of something Will cannot decipher. It makes him uncomfortable, like Macklin can see right through him, he feels naked. He wants to look away and hide all the conflicting emotions that are most likely visible on his face, but he doesn't get the chance before Macklin opens his mouth.
“What are you thinking about?” if it weren't for the stillness in the room, Will would probably not hear the question, it's only a breath, can't even be classified as a whisper. He sounds so gentle, as if he's afraid of scaring Will away, and nothing could be further from the truth, there is nothing Macklin could ever do to scare him away. But then Will feels it and understands why Macklin is so softspoken, Will's cheeks are wet, he didn't even know he was crying, much less for how long the tears have been silently rolling down his face, god, how long has Macklin been looking at him?
“It's nothing” Will knows this is his chance to open up about the tangled feelings he's been having lately, but he has no idea how to articulate them. How do you explain to someone sitting right in front of you that you almost mourn them, like they're gone even though they're not. Like really, how do you explain it without sounding crazy, Will thinks. Will tries to wipe away the tears but it's to no use, they continue to slip out of his eyes. It's frustrating, he isn't even sad, not really anyway, what he's feeling is something else entirely. Even though he can't put it into words, sad is not a word he associates with this. He lets out a laugh, he cannot even figure out why the tears keep coming, it's ridiculous, really. However it seems to shock Macklin, he flinches back into his corner of the couch.
“Smitty” Macklin pleads, like he thinks Will's gone insane and maybe he has, or at least he is on his way to insanity.
“It's okay, I'm not sad” Will tries to reassure Macklin, by the look on the younger one's face he does a exceptionally bad job at convincing him. “To be honest I don't even know what I'm feeling” and that is true, he is not a liar, maybe a crazy person but at least he isn't a liar, that has to count for something he thinks and can't help letting out a chuckle. Macklin looks at him like he's truly lost the plot and Will suspects there may be some truth to that.
“You've been somewhere else since we got here” Macklin states matter of factly and Will knows that's true, he's been in his own head a lot since Ekky put his feelings into words “you seem distant”
“So have you” Will remarks, the tears have finally stopped falling, leaving striped marks on his face in their wake. They're talking about different things but the look on Macklin's face tells him everything he needs to know, Mack understands exactly what he means.
“I haven't” Macklin stutters, as if he's been caught red handed, but it also sounds rather defensive and Will feels that sinking feeling in his stomach again, if he doesn't get answers today then he probably never will and the longing feeling for something he is about to lose will remain, he is not sure he will be able to handle that.
“Yes, you have” Will remarks rather loudly, it shocks both him and Macklin. “Why?” he insists, he needs to know. He didn't know how bad he needed to know but now that they have scratched the surface he realizes he needs to know and that's without a doubt. How could he let it go this far? Let himself get so worked up he cries without knowing. Let it go so far that Macklin is trying to become one with the couch corner before he finds his voice. He should probably have addressed it weeks ago, when it first started. For how long has Mack been pulling back, or rather how long has it been since he built up walls around himself to keep Will out? How long has Will been going around with this bittersweet sorrow pulling at his heart without even knowing? Macklin lets out a sigh, one so big it seems like he's been holding it in for an eternity and finally he starts talking.
“I didn't do it on purpose” Macklin mumbles and it sounds like he's a little embarrassed “My dad said I needed to stop playing around, stop being so childish” he looks away from Will, as if he cannot stand to look at the blonde on the other side of the couch. “He said I needed to focus more on hockey and, um, less on you” he swallows “so that's what I did”
God, everything inside Will is screaming for him to just bring Macklin into a hug, he's father really is a piece of work. But, at the same time something inside Will cracks, the feeling of something bittersweet is slowly changing into something else. He feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest. It's one thing that the man, Will's stripping him of any right to call himself a father, much less a dad, is being difficult and that Macklin deserves better. But, it's another thing that Macklin actually listened, has actively been shutting Will out as if that would do them both any good in regards to hockey, complete lunacy if Will were to get a say in it. As it is though, he has gotten no say in it, and maybe that's what hurts the most, they're supposed to be best friends.
The calm but kind of unsettling bitter feelings he felt before has now done a complete flip, all he feels is an awful pain in his chest, he feels so hurt. It is as though he's been dipped into boiling water but at the same time he feels cold all over. He's still looking at the younger one in front of him, he can't look away and after what feels like an eternity of silence, Will can't find his voice, it got lost somewhere along the way, Macklin finally looks up from the floor. They're eyes meet, a pair of hazel ones full of regret and a pair of blue ones full of hurt.
“Fuck you” Will whispers because he knows his voice will betray him if he speaks any louder. Maybe it isn't fair of him to be so upset, Will may not know how Macklin's relationship really is with his dad but he has some ideas. He does not like the man, that's for sure, he knows their relationship is complicated. He sees how drained Macklin looks after he comes back to their hotel room after stepping out for an incoming call from his father so maybe he isn't being fair, but he doesn't care at the moment. He is too hurt to care if he hurts Macklin in the process and maybe that isn't fair at all.
“I'm sorry” Macklin whispers and he can see the first tear make its way down Macklin's rosy cheeks, it looks wrong, he's not supposed to cry. Macklin's face was made to wear that big stupid smile Will likes more than he's willing to admit out loud. “But maybe he was right” the sentence is interrupted by a quiet sob from Macklin “maybe we need to stop being so childish, maybe we need to focus more on hockey”
“For goddess sake, Macklin, shut up” Will commands and Macklin lets out a whimper but then he becomes quiet. Will feels really bad but he needs Macklin to shut up so he can get his own thoughts in order. “Stop spewing your fathers words on me, that can't possibly be what you think”
Will finally understands the problem, it's not him at least, thank god. It's not that Macklin has figured out his somewhat complicated feelings for the younger shark, that's a separate problem for another day. The problem at hand is not less complicated though, how does he get to have Macklin as a friend when he has this overbearing voice around him telling him that they can't be.
“You can't possibly think that your hockey will get better just by shutting me out” Will utters somberly, the fire and fight he felt before has been blown out, he's honestly afraid of the answer. “Those are not your thoughts” he breathes out as a plea, he feels something he hasn't felt for a long time. He almost feels the need to pray, he can't even remember the last time he did it. But, he almost feels the need to pray that it's not what Macklin thinks.
“No” Macklin mumbles, his eyes are honest and Will feels relief flood him “I think you make me better” he adds gently and the anger and hurt inside Will subsides enough for him to do what he has wanted to do for a while.
He moves across the couch and pulls Macklin into his arms, one hand around his waist and the other cradling Macklin's head into his own neck. He can feel the younger's tears still flow, making his shirt wet in its wake, but he couldn't care less. He just feels this inexplicable need to protect Macklin from the world even though he's still hurting inside.
“I'm so sorry” Macklin cries into his neck, his lips brushing against his skin, it makes him hot all over but he buries the thoughts it brings, in the back of his head, as fast as he possibly can, it has no place here given the situation at hand.
“It'll be fine” Will mumbles into Macklin's hair, once again he is not a liar. It's not fine right now, he's still hurt, his heart feels tight in a way he cannot possibly put into words but he knows it'll be fine.
The bittersweet feeling is back but in another way, he isn't scared of losing something he has right in front of him. It's more like he has it right in front of him, or rather in his arms but it's not close enough. Maybe he'll never get it as close as he would like, it makes him reminisce for something he is yet to have, something he is yet to lose but potentially could. Maybe he will live his whole life feeling what Ekky put into words, having Macklin close but never close enough, potentially losing something you are yet to have, not even getting to know when it'll be lost, just that you could wake up one day and it's already gone.
It leaves a bittersweet taste in his mouth, longing for something you are yet to lose.
The feeling of summer around the corner and therefore knowing it'll have an end.
But maybe that'll have to be enough.