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“I do not think it wise Your Grace”, the old man insisted, “Prince Aemond is still so very young, and giving him too much milk of the poppy can be dangerous. I know that he’s in pain, and I understand how you might feel bu-”
“You don’t understand”, Alicent hissed, “Unless you have a child of your own, and he's just been permanently maimed, you do not and can not understand how I feel. I do not care about what you think Maester, my son is in excruciating pain, and as his mother I can not just stand here and do nothing while he suffers so”
The Maester tried to stand his ground, trying to get her to understand that he wasn’t refusing to give her more milk of the poppy for any reason other than he knew that with children, one must be careful when providing such powerful substances. But the Queen would not hear of it.
“You may go”, she dismissed him as soon as he finally gave in and handed her the cup.
“Your Grace”, he sighed, “I beg of you to listen to me, if you wish to give Prince Aemond something to dwell his pain, then please at least dilute i-”
“Leave”, she grunted, true rage flashing in her eyes as for but a second she thought about striking him for his insolence, for his insistance on presuming that he could ever know how to care for her son better than the boy’s own mother.
But then she heard a noise.
Her boy had not uttered a single word since they’d left that cursed room, since she’d lead him to his own chambers hoping that he might rest, and that at least in his sleep his pains wouldn’t bother him as much. But Aemond just couldn’t fall asleep, simply laying on his bed and crying softly, evidently not wishing for anyone to hear the whines he was letting out as he bit his own hand to try and stifle them.
Once she heard yet another muffled wail of pain coming from her son, she physically pushed the man out of her boy’s chambers, uncaring for how terribly improper such a behavior was considering her title. For her whole life she’d done naught but what was expected of her, had behaved according to her station both as a Lady and then as a Queen, and it had earned her nothing.
She’d done every single thing she was supposed to do, and it had earned her fucking nothing.
Her son had been disfigured, his eye gouged out of his skull by a bastard, and nothing had happened. All knew who was responsible for her boy’s suffering, for the harm that had been caused to a Prince of the Realm, and nothing had happened.
Everyone had just stood there in silence as her boy’s face was sewn back together, as she tried to fight for him and demand that he who’d committed such an act would face the consequences, but nothing. She’d done everything she was supposed to, she was the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, she’d given all their long awaited Prince and two spares, and yet she hadn’t been able to protect her own son, or even just get him the justice he deserved.
“I’m here”, she cooed as she approached his bed, “I’m here my love, it’s alright”
Aemond’s cries became louder as she sat next to him, his pains too great for him to conceal his whines anymore, and her heart broke for him. She grabbed onto his hand, trying to keep him from reaching for his eye and harming himself even further, though she didn’t even know if it was possible for him to hurt more than he already was.
Her boy was the sweetest of souls, naught but a kind little boy who’d already known such pain in his life due to being isolated and tormented by those two foul creatures, and now this. She’d only ever wished to protect him, to shield him from how very cruel the world could be to those who shared his gentle nature, and yet she’d allowed this to happen.
For him to be harmed so gravely, and not get the justice he deserved.
“I’m sorry”, she whispered as she brought a hand to caress his face, before quickly taking it back as he let out a noise of discomfort once her fingers just gently grazed his cheek.
She helped him sit up a little, almost bursting into tears as a movement so small seemed to cause him such unbelievable pain, his whole body shaking as he tried to open his mouth a bit when she guided the cup to his lips.
She could feel it, deep within her bones she could feel all of his pain, and she silently prayed for the Gods to just give it to her. She asked each of the Seven Who Are One, the Mother more than once, to just take his pain and give it to her instead.
He didn’t deserve it.
Aemond had always been her babe, even after Daeron was born and he was no longer her littlest, he’d still been her babe. He was the one who held her heart in his hands, the one she was closest to and cherished most of all, and she hadn’t been able to protect him.
Perhaps if she’d offered him to stay in her chambers on this night, as they did when he was first born, then none of this would’ve happened. If she’d asked him to read her one of the books he so loved, then she could’ve been there to prevent those things from attacking her babe.
Those vile creatures, the boys and the girls, those things who were naught but violent beasts and who had brutally maimed her child, and they would face no consequence for any of it.
The thought of them all made such rage well up in her heart, as she realized that just as she sat here and held her boy as best as she could without causing him any pain, and as he cried desperately and begged her to make it all stop, they were asleep in their beds.
Those children had almost killed her son for no reason at all, and they would live out the rest of their lives as if nothing had happened. Aemond would never get to do that, and neither would she, and that was because of them.
The King and his Princess had chosen that bastard over her son, the attacker over his victim, and Alicent didn’t know if she’d ever hated either of them as much as she did right now.
She’d thought that her ears had failed her when she’d first heard Rhaenyra say that her Aemond should be sharply questioned, her boy who was missing half of his face because the Princess’ boy had cut it out. According to her he was the one who needed to be punished, over an insult, and not her bastard for carving into his own uncle’s face.
And her husband as well.
Her whole life had been sacrificed for that man, her body, her being, all his. She’d been there for him through it all, had tried to show him something akin to love, never faltering in her devotion to him even as he spat in her face by continuously choosing her over their family. And it hadn’t mattered.
She meant nothing to him, she knew that now. For some time she thought he may have cared for her even just a little bit, and that he could not bring himself to love her because the memory of his first wife had yet to let his heart be free, but this night had made it impossible for her to not see their marriage for what it truly was.
She knew what it was to her own father, a way to earn more power. She knew what it always had been for her, a condemnation. But she’d thought that in his heart, Viserys truly did care about her.
But all that was gone now.
He didn’t care about her and he never had, just as he’d never cared about any of the children she bore him. All of it, Aemma’s death and Alicent’s as well, all for a boy, and he’d never even tried to care about any of the three she’d given him. To see him stand there and finally be a man, finally have the guts to act like a King, only for him to do it to go against his own son.
Viserys had looked at Aemond, their little boy, suffering a pain none of them could ever truly comprehend, and he’d screamed at him. He’d seen his own flesh and blood so pained, and had turned against him. The two had never had a real relationship, and yet Alicent could tell that in that moment, when Viserys had finally spoken up, for but a mere second Aemond had thought that his father might actually defend him against his sister.
That his father might finally show him that he cared for him.
“Try to sleep my love”, she cooed softly, “I promise you that you will heal”
“It hurts”, he cried.
“I know”, she choked out, “I know my love and I’m so sorry”
There was nothing she could say to comfort him, to make any of it hurt a little less, let it be his face or his heart. She knew that this night had changed him forever, and that he would never again be the sweet little boy who’d taken hold of her heart so many years ago, and yet she prayed for him. She prayed to the Mother for help, begged Her for a sign on what she could do to help him, anything she could do to soothe his pains even just a little bit.
But nothing.
“You are so good”, she whispered, “My good boy, you are going to be fine my heart, I promise”
She knew that her words were naught but lies, and they left a bitter taste in her mouth as she made a vow that she would never be able to honour. She felt so very cruel and useless as she just sat there as her boy suffered, but there was nothing she could do. Per usual, there was nothing she could do. As it always was, those around her suffered whilst Rhaenyra got whatever she wanted, and Alicent was left to pick up the pieces.
Just as she’d had to do with herself all those years ago, and as she’d had to do with Se-
“My Queen”, someone quietly called for her from outside the chambers.
“Leave us be”, she hissed, uncaring for whomever dared to bother them now.
She didn’t care about how unseemly it was for her, for the Queen, to be heard screaming at whomever was at the door to leave her alone. She didn’t care about what rumors may spread as people started hearing about how she’d attacked Rhaenyra, how she’d cried and screamed for someone to do something, because she’d done it for him.
Every single thing she’d done on this night had been for Aemond, and she didn’t regret any of it.
She’d tried to stick up for him as best as she could, standing her ground against the King of the Seven Kingdoms and the so called Heir to the throne, finally trying to wield the power her father had forced onto her when he sold her to the King. She hadn’t cared for any of it for a long time, but on this night it had all become too much.
She’d screamed at her husband, his Heir, Aegon as well if she remembered correctly, and she’d screamed at that poor Maester who thinking back on it, was just trying to do his job.
But she didn’t care.
“It’s me”, the voice outside insisted, and she finally recognised it.
She threw a worried glance towards her babe, wishing to know if he wanted anyone to see him as he was now. Her boy had always had such a strong will, keeping his head held high even as those things and his own brother made fun of him, never once losing composure and always making her so very proud with how brave he was. But tonight had been too much for him too.
He’d been so strong at first, resisting the urge to scream and cry as she was certain he’d desperately needed to do as the Maester sewed his face back into one piece, all for her sake. She realised it now, that he’d done it all for her. He’d seen how broken she was by what had happened to him, had known that she felt his pain as he did, and had wanted to help her by holding the tears back.
But now they were flowing down his cheeks, some transparent and some with a red tint to them, as they were running over the fresh wound on his face. She still held his hand in her own, rubbing her thumb over the back of it as she silently asked him what he wanted her to do, and once he gave her a small nod she stood up.
Her fingers remained linked to his for as long as they could, until she had to let go of him and open the door. The look on Ser Criston’s face was one she’d never seen on him before, as just like herself and her boy, the man had always known how to keep his emotions hidden. But in this moment he looked broken.
Her shield looked grief stricken and hurt, disgusted and ruled by rage, all at the same time. But most of all he looked concerned, scared even.
“How is our Prince?”, he questioned lowly, and Alicent almost burst into tears.
Nobody had asked. Not a single person present in that moment, not a stranger or the boy’s own father, had asked about how Aemond was doing. Everyone had been much too focused on defending the undefendable, and nobody had cared about her little boy.
Nobody but him.
“He’s here”, was all she was able to say.
She moved to the side, letting him into the chambers and immediately closing the doors, not wishing for anyone to dare and pry on her boy. Ser Criston stood still for a moment, mouth opening and closing as if searching for something to say, but nothing came out apart from a shaky breath. Her knight did not move an inch for some time, just standing there with his mouth clamped shut as he observed what had become of a boy he cared for so.
Until Aemond called for him.
The second her boy tried to say the man’s name, his little hand moving from his bed, hovering in the air for but a second before the knight almost ran to him and cradled it within his own. She’d always known that Ser Criston cared for her children, being the only one who actually seemed to acknowledge their existence apart from her. For many years she’d seen him bond with them all, and yet there had always been something special that tied him to Aemond.
Just like he’d done with her, her second son had earned a place in her shield’s heart, his kindness and his gentle nature making them both feel so very compelled to protect him, and yet they’d failed him.
They just sat there in silence for some time, as the little boy fought to stay awake for just a second longer, before the milk of the poppy thankfully began to its job, and his cries of pain quieted until they stopped altogether.
Without even thinking about it she moved towards him, sitting by him and placing her hand under his nose, needing to know for certain that he’d just fallen asleep. Her boy was in such pain, and though Alicent didn’t know if it was possible, she feared he may die because of it.
“He’s asleep”, her knight whispered, “Our Prince is simply sleeping Your Grace”
Alicent let out a deep breath, head falling forward to land right by Aemond’s, his even breaths almost lulling her to sleep as well, as she suddenly felt so terribly tired. She’d been asleep for but a couple hours when she’d been called to the Great Hall, and hadn’t slept at all whilst they traveled to Driftmark, as she’d been far too busy coddling her husband as he had never taken kindly to the sea.
She’d cared for him so, had gently brushed his hair away from his face as he became ill in a bucket time and time again for almost a whole day, and he’d abandoned her.
When she’d needed him most, when their boy had needed him most, he’d abandoned them both.
“I can’t do this”, she mumbled to herself, “I can’t bear knowing that he’s in such pain”
“He will heal”, Ser Criston tried to reassure her, “The wound is grave, but Prince Aemond will heal my Queen. I’m certain that it will take time and that it will be most difficult, but he will hea-”
“But he will forever look like this”, she snapped back angrily, quickly shrinking into herself as she thought of Aemond’s state, lowering her voice as she didn’t wish to wake him.
Her boy had suffered so greatly on this day, and as she looked to him and noticed the frown on his marred face, she brought her fingers to caress his forrowed brows, silently praying to the Seven that They might grant him some peace at least whilst he slept.
“He will never be the same”, she choked out, “He will have a permanent reminder of this night, forever scarred by such unwarranted violence. Each time my boy will look at his beautiful face from this day forth, he will think of naught but this night. What will people say? What will I tell him when we go back to the Keep and everyone sees him like this? How will I shield him from their stares? How will I keep him safe from them when I couldn’t even keep him safe from that bas-”
She let out a deep breath, lips pressing together so tightly that it hurt, but she barely noticed it. Her eyes were stuck on Aemond, admiring his face as he still was the most beautiful boy she’d ever seen, and yet knowing that he might never know it to be true. He was still so young, still had so much to do and such a long road ahead of him to finally learn how to love himself as she loved him, and this night may have taken it all away from him.
He’d always been a fairly insecure little boy, mainly due to those idiotic pranks his bastard nephews and his brother always played on him, preying on him as they knew that he already felt so very different from them. She’d always tried to reassure him that he would have a dragon one day, never having cared for those beasts and yet knowing how he’d desperately yearned for one all his life, to finally be like the rest of his family.
So they might finally stop excluding him.
He had a dragon now, and yet he’d never been more different. And now it wouldn’t just be those boys and Aegon who poked fun at him, who looked down upon him, everyone else would begin to do the same. And Alicent wouldn’t be able to stop them.
“To lose an eye is not to lose one’s life”, the knight insisted, “Our Prince has already shown great promise as a swordsman my Queen, you should be so proud of how incredibly talented he is at such a young age. He will only get better once he starts training again, and I promise you, none will dare say anything once they see how fearsome he’ll become”
“He wasn’t meant to be fearsome”, she sighed, “He was meant to be my little boy forever, my sweet babe. Why did it have to be him? He didn’t do anything wrong, so why did it have to be him?”
“I don’t know Your Grace”, he answered, “The Gods can be most cruel at times, and Their design for us all, and Their reasoning for it, will remain a mistery to me so long as I breathe. This is not the end for him my Queen, our Prince still lives, and he will continue to do so for a long time”
She shook her head, looking at Aemond again as his head moved to the side whilst he still slept, but she was forced to look away as his wound paled itself to her. She would never react in such a way when her boy was awake, never wishing for him to know how upsetting such a sight was for her, because she would never want him to think that his face was the problem.
Her boy’s face would never be anything but perfect as far as she was concerned, but the mere sight of that cursed wound disgusted her, because of how it had gotten there, and what had happened afterwards. She was not disgusted by him, but by that bastard and his mother, by her own husband.
“He already was so frail”, she muttered mindlessly, “I can not imagine how difficult things will be for him now. You saw him before, how he had such trouble walking, and the Maesters said it will take time for that part of his recovery to even start, let alone end. My boy will have to suffer their stares due to his wound, and he might trip just for them all to poke fun at his issues. People can be so very cruel, and there is nothing I can do to stop them”
“We will be there for him”, he reassured her, “What others think does not matter, because we will be there for him through it all. I will stand by his side all day and all night for the rest of my life if needs must, that is I vow I now make and intend to keep my Queen. And you will be there as we-”
“We failed him”, she said, “You know that, right? On this night, we failed him as he fell victim to those children, and I failed him as I couldn’t even get justice for him, with the culprit right there”
She turned to face him, suddenly realising how close they were, but a breath away from one another as for a moment their eyes met, and Alicent thought that within his she could see a mirror of the despair an shame she felt. Such sorrow for her boy, the pain he was suffering now and that would follow him until his last day, and such shame at knowing that any other Queen but her would’ve been able to get justice for her own son.
That any other knight could’ve acted against a Prince’s attacker.
“I shouldn’t have asked it of you”, she admitted, “When you became my shield I vowed that I would never ask anything of you that might shame you, and yet on this night I did just that. I asked you to go against the will of your King, and to strike down someone who although guilty, is still a mere boy of six. I apologise for putting you in that position Ser, and do not begrudge you for resisting my command”
“You have nothing to apologise for”, Criston said sternly, “There are two who should feel great shame for everything they said on this night, and you are neither of them. Only two should be tormented by the knowledge of how they failed your boy, of how they disparaged themselves with their words and behavior, not you. You are not at fault for anything that happened on this night my Queen, absolutely nothing at all”
She was taken aback by how angry he seemed to be, how upset and almost enraged he was by such a miscarriage of justice, one she thought only she had witnessed. As all had simply stood there and said naught whilst her boy suffered, his attacker right there and protected by everyone, she almost thought she’d gone mad.
The way everyone had behaved like Aemond’s words could ever do as much damage as what that bastard had done, as if her son speaking the truth all could see, could ever even begin compare to what had been done to him. As if Aemond uttering that word meant that he somehow deserved what had happened to him.
She had not believed her ears when Rhaenyra had spoken of it as if it made any sense, and had thought her mind had become completely lost to her when her husband agreed, but now she knew that she was not alone.
She was not mad, they were in the wrong.
“Our Prince knows that you fought for him”, her knight continued, “You say that Prince Aemond will remember this night because of that vicious attack, and whilst I know that to be true, I also know that he will remember how very brave you were. You alone stood against the King for your son, showing all what a mother’s love truly is, and he knows that. He’s always loved you Your Grace, and I believe that after tonight he will adore you even more. The Princess shielded her children from the consequences of their own actions, but you fought for your son in a way that is most admirable, and I know that I will remember it for the rest of my days, and that Prince Aemond will as well”
“I made a scene”, she chuckled with tears in her eyes, “Nobody will care about why I did it, as none will hear anything but what they want, which is that I lost my mind. None cared for my boy on this night, as his wound is still so fresh, and I doubt that they will care about him once it begins to heal. All anyone will know is that the Queen screamed at her husband and that she attacked the Princess, the beloved Realm’s Delight”
“She deserved it”, Criston chimed in, “The way she dared suggest that Prince Aemond be questioned in his condition, when all knew that all children but your own were at fault for what happened. And him as well, the way he turned against his own blood whilst Aemond suffered was deplorable. How could he think of himself as a father to your children when he never even speaks to them, and after toni-”
The knight’s eyes widened for a second, before his breath got caught in his throat. He’d dared too far, he knew it very well, and she did too, but she didn’t care. The man he spoke of in such a way was her husband, and as his wife it was her duty to defend him no matter what, and duty was everything to her. But he’d abandoned her.
Perhaps but a couple hours ago she would’ve defended him, would’ve thrown Criston out of these chambers for ever uttering a single word against her Lord husband and their King, but he’d abandoned her. The knight was right, and Alicent believed that enough people had suffered on this night for speaking the truth.
“Forgive me”, he muttered hurriedly, “I spoke without thought. I apologise my Queen but to see our Prince as he is now made me forget my-”
“You have nothing to apologise for”, she interrupted him with a kind smile, eyes stuck on his as she wished to reassure him that she was not upset, quite the opposite actually.
For many years she’d yearned to have someone by her side, someone who saw her for who she truly was and understood her pain, who knew that her crown meant nothing when her suffering was so great. Even the Ladies who’d secretly commented on how very young she was on her wedding day, had then congratulated her on her new title.
Even the maids who’d helped her birth her first son, had seen how pained and scared she was, had heard her beg for her mother and former friend, pleaded for someone to kill her for the suffering was simply too great, had then congratulated her on bearing a little Prince.
Nobody cared about her, if not for what she could give them.
But Criston wasn’t like that. She’d sworn to protect him when he’d become her shield, and had fought for him to remain at court even as Rhaenyra tried to convince all that he was but a beast, crying to her father that after what the knight had done during her wedding, he could not be allowed to remain at the Keep. But Alicent had seen it all for what it truly was, because she knew the truth.
Rhaenyra had used Ser Criston for a night of pleasure, for a night of sin as she was a creature guided by naught but lust and greed, and once she was done with him she wished for him to leave, so he might never speak on what she’d done. He would never, as in the end all remembered what had happened to the last knight who’d sullied a Targaryen Princess, and none would’ve believed him when he said that she’d forced him.
But Alicent did.
She of all knew the power a royal could hold over someone, how one is not allowed to refuse them out of fear of the consequences of rejecting someone with such power. She knew it very well, as she had never once been allowed to refuse her husband. Even before the two became man and wife, she’d never been able to object to his so called innocent touches, the way he ran his hands over her own when the two began seeing each other before they were wed. It had made her skin crawl and she’d had to fight the urge to either feel ill or throw herself out of the window, but she’d never rejected him, because she’d never had the power to.
Viserys and Rhaenyra had always been members of the royal family, and though Alicent had come to believe that her husband truly did not understand how much power he held over others, Rhaenyra did, and she always had. Alicent had been her friend once, and she’d gotten to see how the Princess had never once cared for anything but herself, had never once even tried to abide by the rules of their world, because she’d never had to.
She’d refuse to attend their lessons, had no interest in actively partaking in them whenever she did go, and had never once cared to do her duties as her husband’s wife, because she didn’t have to.
Rhaenyra was a Princess, she was the Heir to the throne, so she'd never had to do anything she didn’t want to. The whole world was hers to take, everyone was for her to toy with as she pleased and then to throw away whenever they displeased her.
That’s what she’d done with Criston, and that’s what she’d done to her.
The two had been as close as sisters once, maybe even closer than that, and yet the second Rhaenyra believed that Alicent had done something for herself and not for her, she’d left her behind. The second she’d believed that Alicent had dared do something without her approval, without her permission, she’d abandoned her. Whenever Alicent had stopped being naught but the little Lady who followed the Princess around and did whatever she said, she’d stopped being of use.
But Criston wasn’t like that.
After he’d become her shield, and after she’d convinced her husband to let him stay despite the Princess’ complaints, he’d never left. She’d never given him anything but a place by her side and a secret one in her heart, and that had been enough. He’d never asked anything of her, because she’d been enough for him.
For the first time in her life, Alicent had found someone who stuck by her because he wanted to, without any interest for himself, just pure loyalty and perhaps some devotion as well.
“You are a good person”, he whispered as he looked at her, “You are a good wife and Queen, a great mother and daughter, and you are a good friend as well. I know it might be bold of me and perhaps even inappropriate, but I’ve come to think of you as a friend of sorts, though I know I shou-”
“You’re the only friend I have”, she admitted with a sad smile, “You are the one true friend I’ve had in years, decades even. I never thought I’d have another, and yet here you are”
The look in his eyes expressed all the devotion he felt for her, and maybe even something more. He looked to her as she’d dreamed her husband would, young and naive, her mind too innocent and perhaps even foolish as she dreamed of a man she would one day wed, one who would love her for who she was and not for what she could do for him.
At first she’d thought that Viserys might be that man, even though he certainly was not the dashing young man she’d hoped for, he’d been kind. Despite his unwelcome touches, their meetings had been nice at first, and she’d come to care for him. She still remembered how she’d felt for the man, broken as he was after his wife and son had died, mind almost completely shattered by his grief as he desperately needed someone to treat him as a mourning widower, and not just as a King.
Everyone else had worried about how the Queen’s death would affect the Realm, but she’d worried for the broken man she’d left behind.
She’d sat by him as he cried, not knowing what to do and wishing to be with her friend, who was also mourning her mother and brother, and yet believing that she might be doing something good as she tried to help him cope with it all. She’d come to see him for who he truly was at that time, little else but a fool with a big heart, though she now knew that he’d never even thought of opening it to her.
She’d tried to do it for him, when they were first wed. She’d tried desperately to force him within her heart and fill the hole his daughter had left behind. She'd tried to mean it whenever she said that she loved him, knowing how he liked to hear those three little words and wishing to feel them truly, but she never had. She’d thought herself a terrible wife because of it, chiding herself over and over again for lying to him, but she now realised that he’d lied to her as well.
When they first got married, he'd vowed to take care of her. He'd told her that as her husband, his duty was to protect her and her heart, to cherish her and let her know naught but love and happiness, and yet his actions had caused her naught but pain. Even when he’d started taking her into his bed, he’d been apologetic at first, so she’d tried to forgive him.
She knew it was her duty as his wife to lay with him and give him children, and she knew that bringing forth a Prince was his duty as well. She had tried her hardest to not begrudge him for the pain he was causing her, never seeking pleasure in their marriage bed, but forgiveness for him in her heart. He’d been kind at first, seemingly understanding how painful it could be for her and wishing to aid her somewhat, insisting that he just wished for them to find peace and even love in their union.
But now she knew that it had all been a lie.
Her husband had never loved her, because his heart had been locked shut as soon as his first wife died, and he’d never cared to even try and open it to anyone but the memory of the late Queen Aemma and the daughter they shared. He’d never cared about anything or anyone else, not his second wife and not their children.
“I believe you should rest my Queen”, Criston mumbled as he stood up, “If you mean to stay with our Prince tonight, then I shall stand guard right outside this room. I will not leave Your Grace, and though it may be too much of me to ask, if he wakes then please alert me. I might be overstepping my bounds, but I would like to know if he hurts so I could try to help. I’m certain that you will be more than capable of caring for him on your own, but you shouldn’t have to do it alone”
She nodded to him, mind still clouded by all the thoughts that were running around it, not really grasping onto what he’d said until he walked to the doors. She thought of her husband and of her devotion to him, how it had all been a waste. She thought of Rhaenyra and the small part of her that was still besotted by the girl she once knew, how it had all been a waste.
None but him had ever shown an ounce of genuine care for her or her children, and she realised it now.
“Ser Criston”, she called for him, “Thank you for being with us tonight”
“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else”, he reassured her, “’Tis no longer a question of duty Your Grace, I care for you both. I wish to be by you during this time of all, and you do not need to tha-”
She didn’t even notice that she was moving, too caught up in his words, in him confirming that he truly did care for her and her boy. In him declaring that she cared for two who everyone else had abandoned on this night, though in truth they’d been lonely for years. Never truly alone however, because he’d been there.
He’d been there when Aemond was born, had been one of the very first people to see her boy as her husband was too busy doting on his daughter, who had also fallen pregnant, and was evidently much more important than his wife who was risking her life to give him a son, and of the babe as well.
Criston had been the first person to hold Aemond apart from Alicent and the maids who’d aided her through the birth, as he’d been the only person to notice how the Queen was much too pained to get out of bed, and hadn’t been in the condition to care for a babe all alone when everyone left. But he hadn’t, he’d been the one person to stick by them then, and hadn’t faltered since.
When their lips met she let out a yelp of surprise, which was strange considering the fact that she’d been the one to almost throw herself on him. For a mere second she thought of backing away, realising how terribly inappropriate this was and how she was disregarding the vows she’d made when she’d married her husband, and had sworn to be loyal. She knew that her loyalty had never earned her much if anything at all, and yet she’d made a vow, and was now breaking it.
But before she could step back, his lips moved.
Their kiss remained innocent, and one might think her a maiden as she realized that she didn’t really know what she was doing. Despite having placed four children within her, her husband had never much cared for more intimate acts like kissing, and deep within her heart Alicent had always known that it was because he thought of his late wife.
Wedding another and taking her into his bed mere moons after she passed, was evidently not as bad as kissing someone else according to the King, so even though the two had been married for almost two whole decades by now, Alicent could scarcely think of a kiss they’d shared apart from on the day of their wedding.
And even the few that came to mind, could never compare to this.
Two pairs of lips moving against one another slowly, his hands by his side out of respect for her, and hers on his chest, right above his heart. When she stepped away from him she did so with flushed cheeks, almost surprised by the way he remained stuck in place and didn’t try to follow her, didn’t try to get more out of her one moment of weakness.
He didn’t try to force his tongue in her mouth or to run his hands over her body, didn’t try to take her dress off or demand anything of her that she wasn’t willing to give.
“I’m sorry”, she whispered with tears in her eyes, “I’m so sorry”
Fear suddenly found her heart, as she realised how terribly similar this all had been to the night he’d told her about. He’d never spoken much of what had happened and she’d never pried, but she did know how it had all started, and felt so very ashamed of having placed him in the same situation once again.
She hadn’t meant to, and hadn’t thought of the power she held over him because she’d never had to before. She’d never held power over her husband, and had never had a say in what happened between them because she was below him, as Criston was below her.
She didn’t think of them in such a way, but she was his Queen and he was but a knight, he could not reject her. She’d done to him what the Princess once had, and what her husband had done to her. She’d hated them both for it, and yet she’d done the sa-
“You have nothing to apologise for”, he said lowly as he reached to swipe away a stray tear that ran down her cheek, before caressing it gently and giving her a small smile.
He bowed to her and left, and Alicent saw him stop right by the door, standing guard outside the chambers to keep her and her boy safe.
Just like he always did.