Chapter Text
“Well, Ponyboy?” Cathy said expectantly. Her sudden question had knocked Ponyboy from his daze.
They were currently on a date. Pony had gotten Darry to let him have the truck for the night. He drove Cathy down to the movie house and then up to a nearby hill to watch the sunset. That was where they sat in silence until Cathy broke it.
Ponyboy tore his eyes away from the sky to look at her. She almost looked like a soc the way she’d dolled herself up in preparation for that night. Her cropped brown hair was held back neatly with a headband, and her plaid skirt was bought new. The only thing that gave her away was her sweater, which was much too worn and could have possibly been her mother's. It was the first time that night Pony had noticed any of these things about her, the first time he’d given her a good, long stare instead of a once over. And pitifully, his attention now was artificial, forced by the demanding tone of her voice.
“What?” Ponyboy asked. He couldn’t have imagined what he’d done to upset her in any way. He’d considered this date to be a success and had done everything right, or so he thought. He spoke politely to her parents when he came around the Carlson household. And paid for her ticket, drink, and candy at the movie house. He’d even brought her up to this hill, which was a notorious spot for young couples to spend time, and lined it all up so that they could watch the sunset together. Ponyboy didn’t mean to be vain, but surely this was a date any girl could love.
“Gee Pony sometimes I think Darrel is right about you and your obliviousness…” Cathy rested her chin on her palm and gazed out the passenger window. Pony could tell her lack of eye contact was supposed to be a punishment, the cold shoulder.
Ponyboy considered reaching for her but decided against it, “Come on, Cath, what's wrong?” Cathy whipped her head back around, her tinted lips were taut, and a wrinkle had formed between her eyebrows.
“You know something, Ponyboy? It wouldn't kill you to make your girlfriend feel loved every once in a while!”
To this Pony was not only taken aback but was also beginning to feel frustrated just as she was. He’d planned this date thoughtfully and saved up his allowance so she didn't have to spend a dime, and his thanks for it is to be scolded.
“What did I do?” Ponyboy questioned, trying not to get too worked up. He and Cathy had never fought before. They'd been dating for a couple of months now, and it had been smooth sailing until now. He’d always liked how he and Cathy got along rather than being at each other's throats like other couples their age. Now he didn't know what had changed.
“It’s not what you did!” Cathy’s eyes began to look glossy, and Pony felt uncomfortable over the idea that she may begin to cry, “It’s what you don't do! Are you trying to torture me by bringing me up here to sit in silence?”
“I don't understand—” Pony gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles.
“Jesus!” Cathy snapped, “I’m no whore Pony, but would it kill you to touch me sometimes? You brought me up here to the most popular make out spot in Tulsa, and I don't even get a peck on the cheek! You just have me sit here while you stare off into space.”
“I’m sorry…” Ponyboy apologized, and he was genuine. In all honesty, he hadn't even thought about trying to make a move on Cathy, nor had he truly known what expectations this hill brought. Pony figured that an apology would quell the situation but he was sorely mistaken. Cathy still had more to say.
“I don't wanna hear it!” She cut him off, “It’s not just now. How come we were the only couple in the theater sitting like nuns? All the other boys had an arm around their girls' shoulders. The ones in the back were even closer than that! And us? Our hands didn't even brush, reaching for the popcorn!”
Ponyboy opened his mouth to reply but shut it when he found there was nothing to say.
“And remember that one night at your house? We had it all to ourselves, and I was on your bed in my bra, and you cracked open a book? Why is it that whenever we’re kissing, you’re always the one to break it off first? How come you never wrap your arm around my shoulders or waist just because you love me?” Cathy had gotten herself so worked up that tears began to roll down her cheeks. Ponyboy shifted awkwardly in his seat, staring down at his lap.
“I know how teenage boys think! Are you not attracted to me? Is that it?” Cathy released the final question and Pony could just tell she’d been keeping it inside for a while. “Because if you don't think I'm attractive, just let me know so I can stop wasting my time!”
“I think you’re beautiful,” Ponyboy finally stammered, and it was the truth. He did like Cathy, he enjoyed her company.
“Then why don't you act like it?”
To this Pony had no true answer other than the fact he had no urges to. He couldn't tell Cathy that, of course. It would only make her believe that all she had said before was true. And was it? Ponyboy was completely frozen, thinking it over. Was he the strange one for not wanting to kiss his girlfriend? He'd hardly given it a second thought. But now, faced with the consequences he felt like he was forced to consider it.
“I don't know,” Pony finally muttered. The long, uncomfortable silence made his stomach twist. Cathy buried her face in her hands and let out a few quiet sobs and then she wiped the tears from her cheeks and looked up at Pony with painfully serious eyes.
“I want to break up,” She said, and it was no bluff. Ponyboy had never heard her say anything so surely in her life.
“Okay…” Ponyboy swallowed hard and stared forward through the windshield at the darkening sky.
“I want you to drive me home now.” Cathy crossed her arms over her chest and followed Pony’s gaze. Ponyboy found himself stunned, everything had happened so fast that he could hardly believe it. One moment he had a girlfriend, and the next he didn’t. The worst part was he didn’t feel any different than he had a couple of minutes before.
“Okay.” He said finally, shifting the truck into reverse. He’d done enough to upset her the least he could do now.
Cathy paused her shunning to speak up, “That’s it?” Ponyboy focused on trying to back up without hitting a tree.
Once he was heading down the hill, he replied, “What’s it?”
“You ain't gonna beg for me back?” Cathy asked.
“You’ve already broken up with me,” Pony turned onto the road towards Cathy’s house. “Why would I beg you to take me back?”
Cathy pressed her lips together in a firm line and then said with exasperation, “Fine, that's just proof of what I thought all along.” She didn't say anything to him for the rest of the ride. Nor did she even spare a glance. Pony hardly noticed, eyes glued to the road. When he arrived outside the Carlson residence Cathy hopped out of the truck before it had even stopped moving. She marched up the sidewalk, her shoulders tense. Ponyboy could only see the back of her head but he knew the sort of expression she held. From the windows, her little siblings peeked through the glass and noticed something was wrong.
Pony wondered to himself why nothing felt any different. He sat stagnant outside of the Carlson house thinking about it for a moment, and then it dawned on him. Even when they were together, he never kissed Cathy goodbye.
The drive home wasn't long, which Pony was grateful for. He was exhausted and not quite comfortable driving yet, only having gotten his license recently. This date was practically a reward from Darry for finally learning. He got to take the coveted Curtis family truck out for a spin. In all honesty, Pony would've never asked for the keys in the first place. But he figured if Darry had given the opportunity, he might as well take it. Cathy had been hinting about wanting to be driven around ever since he got his permit.
The lights were on in the house, which wasn't surprising; it was only ten, and it was a Friday, so the gang was over. They greeted him joyously and drunkenly. Two-bit nearly spilled his beer over the couch as he waved it in the air. He and Steve were spread across the couch, Darry on his armchair, and Soda sprawled across the floor watching cartoons.
“How was losing your truck virginity?” Steve called out.
“Hey, maybe another kinda virginity too!” Two-Bit punched Steve’s arms and cackled, “The back of the truck sure is roomy, ain't it, Darry?”
Darry rolled his eyes, “He better not be doin’ anything in the back of that truck because I ain't dealing with no babies. Right, Pone?”
“Nothing happened,” Ponyboy scrunched his nose and began his way to the kitchen. Realizing he had technically just lied, he stopped in the kitchen doorway and looked over his shoulder. “Oh well, we broke up.”
Pony continued his way into the kitchen, and Soda (who up until that point had been dividing his attention between the conversation and the TV) scrambled to his feet to tail his little brother.
“What do you mean you broke up?” He asked. His eyes were wide as he stopped in the middle of the kitchen and watched Pony rummage through the fridge. “Like you’re done, done? Not just a break or nothing?”
“She said she wanted to break up,” Ponyboy finally pulled out a carton of chocolate milk and fetched himself a glass from the cabinet. By now, the rest of the gang had huddled around the doorway.
“Are you alright, Pony?” Darry asked as Pony filled his glass.
“Sure—” Pony paused to think about it harder and then said, “Well, I hope we can still be friends, I like her a lot. But if she doesn't wanna date me, why should she?”
The gang simultaneously shared a look and then Soda said, “You aren't bluffing?”
“Naw,” Ponyboy took a long swig of chocolate milk and then placed his glass down on the counter. He finally turned around and noticed the aghast faces the rest of the gang held, “What’s the matter?”
“Geez, Pony! You tell us! You’re the one whose girl dumped you!” Steve exclaimed, “You really don't give a shit?”
“I do,” Ponyboy insisted, “I don't want her to be upset. But as I said, if she doesn't wanna date me, she shouldn't. As long as we can stay friends nothing will be much different. I just hope we can make up on that front.”
Darry pushed past Steve and Two-Bit to join Soda in the center of the kitchen, “Well, what’d you do to make her break it off with ya?”
Ponyboy wavered, “She’s mad I didn't try and make any moves on her.”
“What?” Steve’s eyebrows scrunched.
“Wait a minute, that makes sense!” Two-Bit exclaimed, and he stumbled over to sit down at The Curtis’ kitchen table. “You know, girls only pretend not to like to be poked and prodded. But they actually like it.”
This fruition got Two a firm swat on the back of the head from Darry, “Don’t you listen to this knucklehead! Ladies will always prefer a gentleman.”
“Well, clearly not,” Steve piped up, “Cause Cathy dumped Pony.”
“I thought I was doing well,” Pony confessed, “I took her to the movies and then up to the hill close to the high school to watch the sunset. I guess she was just expecting us to make out or something.”
“Well duh!” Soda was completely appalled by the entire situation, “Ponyboy, you’re telling me you were with a girl all alone at the most notorious make out area in Tulsa, and all you wanted to do was stare at the sun? As she was just waiting for you to make a move?”
“If that were Evie and me, we wouldn't even know the sun was setting,” Steve scoffed.
“Look, I just wasn't thinking about it! I don't get why everyone is losing their mind over this!”
“Pony, we’re just trying to understand—” Soda started.
Pony promptly cut him off, “There ain't nothing to understand or figure out, okay? Cathy and I just weren't meant for each other like that; it’s fine. No need for you guys to be interrogating me!”
“We ain't interrogating you, Pony. I just wanna make sure you’re okay,” Soda frowned, genuine sorrow across his face. Ever since he and Sandy had broken it off he was sensitive to breakups. Just hearing about another couple's split was enough to make his eyes glossy. And now, it was his little brother going through that pain. Except Pony didn't seem all too bothered about it, and Soda couldn't fathom why. He suspected Pony may have been bluffing, but his brother was never good at concealing his emotions. He was only irked by the amount of information the gang was trying to pull out of him.
“I'm fine,” Pony insisted. he leveled his voice, acknowledging he had overreacted prior. “It’s not that big of a deal, I wasn't gonna marry her or anything.” And with that final statement, he left, disappearing out of the kitchen and towards his bedroom.
“Geez,” Two-bit broke the silence that had formed in the kitchen.
“I guess you took up the rest of the ladies’ man genes when you were born, Soda. Clearly, Pony got jipped,” Steve said critically, and then he slid off the doorframe he was leaning on to go to the living room and continue watching TV. After a couple of beats, Two-bit followed, leaving the two eldest Curtis brothers alone in the middle of the kitchen.
“Pony’s first break up,” Darry sighed and grabbed the empty glass Pony had left behind on the counter.
“But he didn't seem all too heartbroken— You think I should talk to him?” Soda wrapped his arms around himself.
Darry rinsed the glass off in the sink, “Maybe give him a talking to about leading girls on. He clearly didn't like that girl. I ain't ever met a teenage boy who loved his girlfriend and didn't think he’d marry her. Young love makes you delusional.”
“Sometimes they do get married,” Soda said quietly, “Sometimes, they could've if things work out the way they should.”
Darry dried his cup with a towel and gave Soda a sympathetic look, “If you wanna talk to Pony, then go ahead and do it. Just don't expect him not to be a brooding teenager, 'cause that ain't happening.”
Soda nodded wordlessly and scurried off to Pony’s room. It had become Pony’s room just before he turned fifteen and declared it would be okay for Soda to sleep in the bedroom that up until then had been the guest room. He didn't say he wanted to start sleeping alone per se. But he strongly implied it and Soda heard the message loud and clear. Soda would be lying if he hadn't been a little hurt that his brother wanted time away from him. But Darry insisted he didn't worry, it was just a part of Ponyboy growing up and craving independence.
It seemed that ever since they lost Johnny and Dally, Ponyboy slowly began to change. It was a little hard to tell whether that change was initiated by PTSD, grief, puberty or an amalgamation of all three. It seemed Soda and Darry were always left to guess, not that Ponyboy had an answer either.
Ponyboy became a lot more testy and irritable, which Darry was quick to blame on hormones. But other things weren't so easily written off. Sometimes it was a struggle to get Ponyboy out of bed in the morning. It took Darry and Soda both periodically nagging and pushing just for him to get dressed for the day. Sometimes they were unsuccessful and had to leave for work. Darry would have to call Ponyboy out sick so it wouldn't affect his attendance and risk truancy. Ponyboy would be in bed when they left, and in bed when they arrived home. There were never any dirty plates or cups in the sink either.
On weeks when Ponyboy would get up and go to school, he complained about headaches and stomachaches and took so many Aspirins that the Curtises were always running out. Even though their relationship had improved, Darry and Ponyboy would still argue over those things sometimes.
“Pony, your stomach hurts cause you ain't eatin’ right!” Darry would say, “Maybe if you drank more water and didn’t spend all the time in the dark, you wouldn't have headaches. And you've gotta go to school before you’re truant and risk getting sent to a home!”
Soda mostly stayed out of it as long as Darry wasn't being unreasonable, and most of the time he wasn’t. He knew that as great as it would be for Darry and Pony to get along like buddies all the time, it wasn't plausible. There were times when Darry had to be a parent, and even Ponyboy had begrudgingly accepted that.
Now sixteen, Ponyboy was going to graduate high school a year early. He still had his ups and downs, plenty of sick days, some real and some not. But he managed to keep his grades up, and that was all Darry really worried about in the first place. In school, Pony excelled in track and won a first-place blue ribbon in his school’s art contest with his charcoal drawing of a horse. There were still times when he’d skip meals, not go out, and stay in bed for days on end. In those moments, Soda wished he knew what was going on in his kid brother's head. However, those moments were also when Ponyboy was most quiet and unwilling to talk.
When Soda slowly pushed open Pony’s bedroom door, the first thing he saw was Ponyboy sitting at his desk drawing. He paid no mind to Soda, locked into whatever he was sketching in his sketchbook.
“Hey Pone,” Soda stood in the doorway, waiting to be invited in.
“What?” Pony asked, not shifting his gaze from the paper. He didn't sound rude, it was just a casual phrase.
“I just wanted to check on you.” Soda took a couple of steps into the room. “I know breakups can be tough—”
“I feel like you’re taking this harder than me.” Pony glanced at Soda out of the corner of his eye, still hunched over his desk.
Admittedly, Soda felt a little called out, and finally walked far enough into the room that he could look over Pony’s shoulder.
Now that he felt vulnerable, he quickly decided to change the subject, “I don't know how you draw like that.”
Pony shrugged and continued shading. He was sketching Paul Newman from a photo of him cut out from the paper. It had been thumbtacked to Pony’s corkboard, but he’d taken it down for reference.
Soda sat down on the bed and watched Pony draw for a little longer before he spoke again, “Did you love her?”
“Hm?” Finally, Ponyboy ceased his drawing and looked Soda in the eyes.
“Cathy,” Soda elaborated, “Do you love her?”
Pony’s gaze dropped back down to his paper, “I don't know.”
Soda eyebrows knitted together, “You don't know?”
“I thought I did,” Ponyboy frowned, “But I didn't— I don't know. I didn't feel the urge to kiss her, I don't think I ever have.”
“Maybe she just wasn't the one,” Soda offered, and Pony rested his head down the his desk and ran his fingers through the back of his hair.
“Maybe,” Pony rested his elbows on the table. “I do like her, though.”
“What do you like about her?” Soda asked.
“I think she’s pretty,” Pony replied, “I like that she isn’t a pushover and that she speaks her mind. I like that she likes to watch movies like I do, and we have good talks.”
“But did you don’t wanna kiss her?”
Pony shrugged, “I guess not. How do you know when you’re attracted to someone like that?” Soda considered the question for a moment he’d never really considered how he knew he was attracted to certain girls. He just knew it when he was.
“Well…” Soda tried his best to put it into words, “First of all, you'll wanna kiss her, you'll wanna do more than kiss her. And once you get to that point, you’ll feel it in your crotch—”
“Okay!” Ponyboy cut him off, “I know that much, Soda, we don't gotta go over it again. How do you know when you wanna actually marry a girl?”
Soda’s eyes got glossy the way they always did when he thought of Sandy, “You’ll wanna go to sleep with her beside you every night. You won't see her the same way you see the girls in skin magazines. She’ll be attractive to you in a modest way, like it's all love, no lust. You might even wanna have babies with her.”
Ponyboy rolled his eyes at this, “I’d rather be shot in the head than get a girl pregnant.”
Soda shook his head and stared down at his lap, “Gee Pony, sometimes I just don’t get you.”
Pony turned back to his drawing, “Sometimes I don’t get myself either.”