Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Laurie doesn’t know when it started.

She faintly remembers having dinner with her family. The entire family was there, and Paula said she didn't want to eat anything.

“Sweetie, you should just eat something—just a bite!” Carole pleaded, offering a soft smile. Her eyes drifted to the only man in the family sitting across from her. She shot him an exaggerated glance, her eyes practically popping out of her sockets, then not-so-discreetly moved her gaze to their oldest daughter, who was picking at her food.

Dan was busy absentmindedly twirling his moustache between his fingers so he didn’t catch the memo. The redhead cleared her throat to get his attention, and that finally worked.

His head shifted left and right in a matter of seconds, clearly puzzled. He met his wife's stare and straightened his posture with a clearing of his throat, taking a deep breath and plastering a smile. “So, Laurie, how was school?”

Carole rolled her eyes and stabbed her fork into her plate as she took another bite of the dinner she prepared. 

Laurie raised her head after hearing her name, inattentively swirling her fork around her plate. “O-oh, it was... good,” she responded gently.

“We learned about a new system of the body in class today.” She quickly added so as not to lose her parents’ attention…she liked it. 

Taking the opportunity to get back on topic, Carole leapt in. “Speaking of body systems, Paula, sweetie, you need to take care of your body.”

Almost instantly, Paula burst into tears, pushed her chair away from the dinner table, and ran to her room, shutting the door behind her.

Laurie winced at the sound of the slammed door and took a double glance at her dad and mom. Something was off with them, they didn’t look… in love anymore.

Was that mean to say?

She finally breathed out a sigh and set her silver fork down. “I'm... I’m full,” she said, trying a little too hard to sound positive.

She already had a blizzard that her mom brought home after school...she didn't deserve any more food. 

Her parents glanced at her, then at her half-eaten food. Laurie rose from her chair, and before she could pack away her leftovers, her dad reminded her to put in the new mobile braces they had bought for her.

“Yes, Dad...” she replied lazily as she stepped toward her bedroom. Just before she could turn the doorknob, her feet froze in place. She turned on her heel and placed her ear against Paula’s bedroom door.

Huh.

Weird.

Paula was still sobbing—that much was obvious—but there was another noise as well.

Laurie's heart ached at her sister’s cries but she kept her hands at her sides, absentmindedly fidgeting with the matching bracelet Rochelle had made for her.

Paula had recently gotten a job to earn some extra cash and had used it to buy a yoga mat, a jump rope, and a personal scale for her bedroom.

Whenever she stayed up late on the weekends, Laurie would hear the jump rope for at least two hours, or when she knocked on her door to let her know dinner was ready, Paula was always exercising.

Huh.

Weird.

☆ 

She really needs to stop this.

The blonde is hunched over the fridge in the kitchen, the door swung open, and the lights of the fridge—ones that she used to play with as a kid by closing it just enough to see the lights shut off—now hum faintly as if to taunt her and illuminate her desperate fingers as she stuffs herself with leftover birthday cake from her sister's birthday.

Life sure is interesting.

Her right hand smashes another slice to her mouth while the left is already cupping another piece in preparation. She immediately feels a huge weight collide on her shoulder; it's Sweaty.

Of course, it is.

Laurie barely reacts, the clammy presence being the last thing on her mind compared to the insatiable hunger clawing at her. She feels Sweaty’s soft, soggy body press against her. 

In her hunger, the thought of groaning or punting Sweaty across the room doesn't even cross her mind like it usually would. The clammy being rests on her shoulder, Laurie can see Sweaty's dark, soulless eyes glancing up at her, but she doesn't stop–she can't stop.

Sweaty slowly rolls across her back after deciding that Laurie's left shoulder was the better headrest. 

Okay, now Sweaty was getting on her nerves. 

Couldn't it see that she was busy?!

"Stop it!" shrieks Sweaty; it rolls again to the right of her and Laurie swears she almost chokes from the form moving against her backbone.

Her mind drifts to her calorie intake for the past few weeks, how she filled all her smartwatch rings and got away with her week-long water fast! Another cake slice enters her jaw, it doesn't even taste good anymore.

The sugar has gotten too familiar, and the way she grinds her teeth harshly against the soft desert to make room for more, eventually wears her down slightly, but she can't stop.

"What are you doing??" Sweaty whines again. "We were doing so good!"

Sweaty shifts, moving down to her left shoulder, trying to get more in her face. "Stop it!" Sweaty screeches, its’ jello-esque body rippling as its’ two tiny arms tremble like leaves while gesturing to the almost-done cake with evident frustration. "This crap is just sugar and fat!” It yells even louder somehow, trying to use its tiny arms to pull Laurie’s head away—it doesn’t work.

Laurie swallows the final piece of cake, and the lump slowly dissipates in her throat. Her eyes flicker with instant realisation and her eyebrows immediately contort.

Shit.

Her eyes peer down to her hands, the remaining clumps of earthy-coloured carrot cake and white frosting paint her fingers with instant regret. Following soon is a deep pit that settles in her gut and she fights the urge not to sob.

She glances at the old clock in the kitchen, 12:04 A.M. Amid her turn; she sees the familiar grey blob in the corner of her eye. She closes her eyes tight before turning fully to face Sweaty.

It's silent for a moment–which was very rare these days between the duo. The teen lets out a chuckle, a dry one, one with not an ounce of actual laughter behind it, just to fill the space in the tiny room.

Sweaty shifts again, this time rolling off Laurie’s shoulder and sliding to the floor. The shift in weight makes Laurie stumble slightly, but she catches herself. Slowly, she stands yet feels so…numb.

The silence continues. Laurie can only imagine how dumb she looks right now–like a disgusting, messy toddler with cake and frosting on her hands.

Sweaty finally speaks again, and Laurie closes her eyes shut.

"You should really wash your hands…and mouth...and hair…and clothes." It says flatly, eyes flickering to each item as it speaks.

Laurie can feel the frosting still decorating her mouth. Looking down, she sees her pyjamas have fallen victim as well.

She shuffles to the sink with a short nod, her legs heavy, and nudges the fridge door shut with her foot on the way. The girl fights the urge to hold herself.

She can practically hear her father’s voice ringing in her ears. 

“You’ll get ’em next time, kiddo.”

Next time.

Next time.

Maybe next time she won’t binge again.

God, she misses her dad.

She misses when the family was still a family.

Tears swell in her eyes as she throws her body over the kitchen sink, slowly turning the kitchen faucet on. 

She opens the pipe and watches as the remains of her binge seep into the makeshift pond as she washes her hands.

She really needs to stop this.

Chapter Text

"You’ve gotten so big!"

The words echo in Kai’s mind. Her grandmother’s warm smile implies the biological meaning, of course, but Kai can’t help but feel hyper-aware of the heavy skin on her body and the fullness she feels from breakfast. Quickly changing the subject, she strolls with her luggage behind her in her new home.

☆ 

‘I hate those photos.’

That’s the only thought pounding in Kai’s head as she finishes placing the final frame in a random spot. As the frame leaves her fingertips, she instantly feels relieved—like something that had been weighing on her neck has finally let go, allowing her to breathe again.

Her walk to her new bedroom feels like a thousand years, her mind racing with memories of that version of herself in those gut-churning images.

She can practically feel the weight on her skin, the beads of sweat dripping down her chin from long hours of exercise, or the sounds of the toilet flushing as she crawls up from her previous kneeling stance.

She collapses onto her bed, telling herself she’s going to look on the bright side!

'New town, new friends, new… me.'

A grin spreads across her face; she’s excited to explore the neighbourhood.

☆ 

She feels pretty.

She… feels pretty.

Kai can almost burst into tears as she peers into her reflection. Her dark brown eyes immediately travel to the sweater vest she knitted herself. It features muted tones of pink, tangerine, and sage, paired with an emerald plaid skirt and matching bubblegum socks—it’s definitely attention-grabbing and bright. Plus, the white shirt underneath her knitted vest hugs her figure tightly.

She feels herself sinking further into the bathroom tiles beneath her.

Should she…?

She shakes her head; she’s got this!

Her eyes flicker over to her face, where triangular-shaped earrings hang from her earlobes, and finally to her hair.

Her wide smile danced across her lips. She even twirls in the mirror and lets out a squeal!

She’s so proud of her hair growth journey. She still remembers combing through her curls and losing so much hair due to malnutrition. As she raises her hands to inspect her nails, she ignores the red knuckles from her past… purging. They’re not chipped or frail like they used to be a year ago.

She finally feels… normal and recovered, even though she hasn’t told anyone about her struggles. She still runs with her dad most evenings and eats relatively healthy, but she feels free. She hasn't thought about calories in a long while.

Today is going to be a great day.

☆ 

She wishes she had slammed that damn door harder.

The girl practically stomps her way out of Mr. Frank’s class, each step a minuscule reflection of the pain she feels.

She could picture everything; her dad would kill her when she got home!

No.

No, no, no…

She feels her hands shaking at her sides, her knuckles scrunched tight, and her breathing quickens.

She skipped lunch that day.

She just needed that black hoodie.

That black hoodie was a safe outfit for when she didn’t feel safe. The dark fabric always comforted her whenever she felt like trash. It hid her figure, her face, her hair… it was what she needed. She needed to go for a run.

She exited the school entrance doors and groaned aloud, "Why did I do that? So dumb." She ran laps around the school, panting profusely, and eventually started skating home, taking off the hoodie. Then she saw Laurie.

Her heart pounded.

Maybe her day wouldn’t be awful.

After some banter with the blonde, Kai decided to help her—anything to keep her mind off the way she felt herself relapsing.

Hitting softballs with the bat was oddly relaxing; however, she felt her anger slowly building. Then they switched, and Laurie was the one trying to hit the balls.

“C’mon, Laurie!”

“Make contact with the ball!”

“Don’t disappoint!”

“They’re all counting on you!”

“Do you want them to think you’re a failure?”

“If you were stronger—if you had more control—”

“If you miss this, you’ll have to fast tomorrow—”

And then, SMACK!

Kai could perfectly see the sky now from this angle…her head pounded…what even..? 

Her eyelashes flutter slowly as Laurie scrambles to her side. It’s almost cute how quickly Laurie is rambling, and for a moment, Kai feels content about being hit by her crush. She can’t help but utter something.

“You got a hit… nice,” she grins widely.

Coach Dan’s voice suddenly pierces through her ears, “Where does it hurt?” He clumsily questions just like Laurie in the same mannerisms too, like father-like daughter. “What happened??” 

Ehh…

Why not mess with him?

“Who—who are you?” she drawls.

“Oh no, she has a concussion! She has a swollen brain!”

God, Coach Dan was funny.

“Oh no,” she chuckles. “Nah, I'm messing with you.”

☆

After Coach Dan dropped her home, she knew the remainder of that night would be awful.

She was right.

After her dad had completely blown up at her, he apparently went out for a drive to get some fresh air (as she had heard during his loud yelling with his mother), and her grandmother fell asleep to a random Hallmark film on the television.

Kai slowly walked to the bathroom and pressed her body against the door, locking it behind her. She turned on the bathroom sink and walked to the toilet.

She winced as she knelt down; her leg was killing her.

Whatever.

She placed her index and middle fingers inside her mouth and afterwards, she felt light again.

Chapter Text

Laurie:

- 100-400 cals avg/high restriction

- Ednos/ana

- Sweaty is basically her ana coach

- Thinks everyone is beautiful and deserves recovery except her

- Insecure of her stomach and thighs

- Her honeymoon phase was magical and she’s clawing at her jail cell to get back in

- Omads cup noodles

- Safe foods: Almonds, Oat milk, blueberries, kiwi, popcorn

- She loves carrot cake, brownies, dark chocolate and PASTAA!!

- Paula had ana too (or at least disordered eating) so Laurie picked up on her habits

- Is currently going on a weight plateau and is going insane

- Def does liquid/water fasts under the guise of religious reasons if anyone asks

- (She genuinely feels bad for technically lying, she originally started the fasts as a religious effort but soon got obsessed with the feeling of emptiness)

- Starved extra hard after being rejected by Yuwen

- Tries to convince herself that once she loses weight maybe boys will have interest in her but she knows deep down it’ll never work

- Has an ed journal kept under her bed with her calorie intake and everything

- When Rochelle lifts her up and comments on how light she is, she squeals so hard internally

- Tried juicing over the summer since she loves fruit but wanted more substance that was worth the calories and stopped

- SO GOOD at jumping jacks and crunches

- loves eggs, will have them boiled, sunny side up or scrambled

- Loves carrots

- Jump rope is HER SHIT!!

- her meals are lowkey best ana—just vegetables like tomatoes, celery, carrots, cucumbers, lettuce, boiled potatoes with salt and other low cal fruit packed in those bento boxes!

- Kai is her irl thinspo and she always hates herself for comparing the Kai to her pathetic self

- Since she has mobile braces that she wears to sleep, she doesn't eat past dinner time (which she usually skips)

- She regrets cutting her bangs so short because now she has to stare at her face and she hates looking at herself

- Plus it makes her weight loss way more visible in her cheeks and eyes

My poor baby (T-T)

Chapter Text

- 400–800 cals a day, sometimes more like 1200 if she's doing better

- Mid-restriction overall! 

- Before she moved w/ her dad, her ED was REALLY bad.

- If you're in ED communities, you probably know the red bracelet thing (like, ppl w/ anorexia wear them to find others)

- Her old team wore red, and the Pickles wear green, and since red + green are opposites on the colour wheel, I HC that the move kind of marked her trying to get better.

- (This is before the move) — the guys on her old team definitely made fun of her for being "too skinny."

- I feel like the ED started as a way for her to control something in her life since her dad controls so much already

- She eats super high-protein stuff for sure.

- Safe foods: tuna, cottage cheese, chicken, spinach, bell peppers, raspberries, protein shakes/bars

- Binge foods: her grandma’s pies + cookies, chips, soda

- The walking embodiment of ‘High grades, low BMI’

- She feels SO validated when she hits her macro goals

- At that sleepover (when Laurie cut her bangs), she kept going to the bathroom to bodycheck + was way overthinking her outfit

- Her black hoodie is her comfort item. She wears it when she feels gross. Hides her face/body and it helps her bc she gets cold all the time (her body can't regulate temp from being underweight)

- She does extra runs even outside the ones she "owes" her dad

- She’s passed out after running too hard before on multiple instances

- She and Yuwen def do flex-offs lmao

- Has definitely binged ice cream while watching the reality TV shows she watches with her grandma

- Compares her body to girls on those shows despite knowing she shouldn’t

- She relapses hard the day she gets caught passing that note to Rochelle—it felt like her whole world crashed and burned in all aspects of her life (academic and family-wise, etc.) 

- She purges by vomiting and/or overexercising.

- The guilt she feels after binging or even overeating is AWFUL, she’s already stressed asf about not being perfect at baseball, and she’s 10x more pressured to make her stick to her ‘diet’ so she doesn't mess up and lose everything she worked so hard for

- She hears her dad's voice whenever she gets on the scale and gains weight

- Her dad would make little comments about Kai and her eating habits for example, “Slow down! The food’s not going anywhere!” or other stuff like that with a chuckle and Kai just has to awkwardly chuckle back 

- Tried chewing + spitting but it didn’t work for her

- Super picky w/ textures + food presentation—like, it has to look nice or she won’t eat it

- Gets really anxious when her dad talks about the dentist