Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

hi

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pvtvr @ppstarkedits

LAZARUS RISING

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your information center @allstarks replying to @parkours

peter back on twitter!!?!

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours replying to @parkours

sorry im late, but it’s truly a miracle that any of us exist. anyway, im not coming

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spooder @spmnyc

what are you on about😭

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marco @marcopolo replying to @parkours

welcome back to twitter king😭

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miley @capnjakey replying to @parkours

where were youuu

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

i was staying home to wonder at the mysteries of the universe

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sambucky @grayarea

and have you figured it out

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

no but that’s fine ig :/

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ned @inthechair replying to @parkours

welcome back to the land of the living🎊

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michelle j. @blcdahlia

you just saw each other yesterday

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ned @inthechair 

unrelated

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yfn spider-man @smparody

was patrolling with daredevil last night 

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yfn spider-man @smparody

told him to get jesus

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yfn spider-man @smparody

he started quoting the bible like a priest or something ???

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tc @wallcrawler

“told him to get jesus. ..it gets better!”

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silas @chaosprince replying to @smparody

maybe he’s a pastor during the day, daredevil at night.

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dare/devil @nyckitchen

that woulda been the best secret identity reveal ever, even beats peter stark

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peter stark DAILY @pbps_updates

it is actually so iconic of peter to go total media blackout, get his degree, and >while< taking over stark industries: come back on twitter idc

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tc @wallcrawler

no because true 

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repTV @aimeesversion replying to @pbps_updates

“nobody’s heard from me for months. im doing better than i ever was” -peter probably

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fe @ironmaam replying to @pbps_updates

like i missed him, but also good for him tbh

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avenge me @A_stan

he was clocked in at the locked-in factory fr

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elijah (he/him) @tloverboy replying to @pbps_updates

also this being his last tweet?? 

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briana @brihalan

foreshadowing 

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pepperony @pptsotp

or he was just telling us his plans and we didn’t get it🤡🤡

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nahele phd @nhuikala

for my next trick, i will spend 4 hours cooking a meal that the recipe says should only take me 30 minutes 

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

“cook 4-6 minutes each side” LIES

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ned leeds @inthechair replying to @nhuikala

rookie. i did a lego set in 2 months. it said 3-6 years on it. pretty proud of myself

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bean @lastsoup

as you should tbh

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RiRi @williamsriri replying to @nhuikala

also 4 hours of cooking based on a 30 second tiktok

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abb-e keen(er) @kekebe

my new disease😵‍💫

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w.i.t.c.h. ✓ @wandamaximoff replying to @nhuikala

and then have it turn out tremendously underwhelming

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maximoff stans @mwanda

yess:( i always overhype my meals and then get disappointed lol

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elijah (he/him) @tloverboy replying to @nhuikala

no bc they'll say this and the recipe will be like baste the steak while simultaneously mashing the potatoes and chopping carrots with your third arm

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marco @marcopolo

who is basting steak in this generation? in this economy ??

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michelle j. @blcdahlia replying to @nhuikala

i cannot handle recipes with more than 3 steps, and one of them needs to be "remove from package"

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cindy ☽ @cindym00n

next one should be boil water

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HTO ✓ @harryosborn replying to @nhuikala

and if it says it’s a single bowl recipe, i use about 5 bowls

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harley SI ✓ @hkeener

look at him having 5 bowls to spare, guy’s house is made of bowls 

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HTO ✓ @harryosborn

you literally live with peter in the tower, i KNOW you have more than 5 bowls 

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harley SI ✓ @hkeener

maybe physically 

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tk @grandvita

what’s that even mean

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harley SI ✓ @hkeener

mentally i have maybe 1 bowl and it’s cracked 

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marvellous @captainohcaptn

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Tony Stark ✓ @IronMan

next time my toddler runs away from me at bedtime, i’m just gonna let it play out cause i really wonder if she actually has a plan

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Col James Rhodes ✓ @IronPatriot

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pepperony @pptsotp replying to @IronMan

aww so cute

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clint barton ✓ @realhawkeye replying to @IronMan

beware of results: injury, broken furniture, or both

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bucky ✓ @jbbarnes

sounds intriguing 

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scott lang ✓ @antmanreal replying to @IronMan

cassie would just grab a blanket from her bed and hide in the closet

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Tony Stark ✓ @IronMan replying to @IronMan

update: the toddlers have no plan. repeat, they have no plan.

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harley SI ✓ @hkeener

you guys are lucky i cant put my thoughts into words 

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silas @chaosprince

give me 1 thought that you had recently 

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HTO ✓ @harryosborn

1? oh man… that might be hard for my man harls

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HTO ✓ @harryosborn

would you settle for half

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harley SI ✓ @hkeener replying to @chaosprince

a woman goes into the woods. she encounters a man and a bear. the man is actually cake. the bear has two wolves inside it. the wolves want to know if you would love them if they were a worm

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rome smh @heysiri

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shure ✓ @shuriofwakanda replying to @hkeener

i would. unconditionally 

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joey’s girl @heyfriends

shuri a real one fr

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RiRi @williamsriri replying to @hkeener

this is your future head of R&D btw @parkours

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

and we’re so lucky to have him💞

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camila @dawsonsi

honestly what else did you expect

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peter stark DAILY @pbps_updates

SPOTTED: Peter leaving the Tower outside of his Spider-Man activities 

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tc @wallcrawler

i am looking respectfully 

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pvtvr @ppstarkedits

i am looking disrespectfully 

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leilani @vengence336 replying to @pbps_updates

made my hole weak. oh i meant my whole week 

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first @krisonsea 

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spooder @spmnyc replying to @pbps_updates

who’s the guy?

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reyes' @prettysunsets

girl you think anybody looking at that guy bffr rn

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

can i get an ETA on this too shall pass

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

please be nice to me, im in my 20s. do you know what that does to a person

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gideon @cpgeegee

not nearly as much as being in your 30s does to you, but far be it from me to judge

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abe b. @thatisfalse replying to @parkours

it’s rough out here

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HTO ✓ @harryosborn replying to @parkours

what are your twenties if not an endless string of the ghosts of who you thought you would become

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sally ★ @avrillsll replying to @parkours

yes, your 20's might be shitty. eating ramen every night, pulling all nighters for class, new family and social strain, etc. it's hard to grow up! but you know what reward is waiting for you at the end of them? climate change

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harley SI ✓ @hkeener replying to @parkours

i have the priorities of a kindergartener again. i don't know what in the hell is going on EVER. i like colors. i like soup. i want to take a nap

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charles @murphystem replying to @parkours

your early 20s is super weird because i know a guy who’s training to take over fortune500 company, works with the UN and knows classified america secrets but i also know a dude whose middle name on facebook is 'kush'

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cindy ☽ @cindym00n replying to @parkours

age 20-25 is like i am a baby i am a grown woman i am but a small girl i am the oldest and wisest woman alive i just began to exist i am but an embryo

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nahele phd @nhuikala replying to @parkours

your 20s are for figuring out what's the max number of times you can hit rock bottom in a calendar year

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ned leeds @inthechair

and there will come a day when you suddenly go, OH. that's why. that's why it was worth living and sticking around. i understand.

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ned leeds @inthechair

and then the moment passes, and you might forget again. but that's okay, because life is an abundance of such moments. they will come back

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bean @lastsoup

ned the goat coming back with these words wtf man

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max @mwheeler replying to @inthechair

this tweet literally makes me wanna live til end of the week at least

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betty @elizabethbrant replying to @inthechair

well said babe❤️

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ned leeds @inthechair

thanks babe❤️

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‘point break’ @th4mm3r

it is CRITICAL that we protect ned at all costs

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

rt

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michelle j. @blcdahlia replying to @th4mm3r

rt

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HTO ✓ @harryosborn replying to @th4mm3r

rt

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harley SI ✓ @hkeener replying to @th4mm3r

rt

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nahele phd @nhuikala replying to @th4mm3r

rt

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shure ✓ @shuriofwakanda replying to @th4mm3r

rt

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RiRi @williamsriri replying to @th4mm3r

rt

-

V. Pepper Potts ✓ @OfficialPepperPotts

My daughter just asked me do I have kids and I’m not in the mood this morning.

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iron fam & more @avengersbubble

women are allowed to go buy milk too

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Carol Danvers ✓ @CptMarvel replying to @OfficialPepperPotts

go ahead and spend that college fund ma'am. get yourself something nice

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Tony Stark ✓ @IronMan replying to @OfficialPepperPotts

darling, yesterday she asked me how i know her name

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72980 @aikruger

why you all in her business tony😭

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Carol @1976CBlaire replying to @OfficialPepperPotts

mine was flabbergasted when she found out grandpa is my dad

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sammmhm @falconsupremacy replying to @OfficialPepperPotts

my nephew used to tell my sister how does she know his grandma?? why she’s showing up to the house 😩😩

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clint barton ✓ @realhawkeye replying to @OfficialPepperPotts

when lila was 4 yrs old she asked laura if she had a boyfriend. i (her dad, her mom’s husband) was in the room.

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natasha romanov ✓ @blackwidow

okay but did laura have a boyfriend 

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bucky ✓ @jbbarnes replying to @OfficialPepperPotts

even better, she asked steve if we had dinosaurs as pets when we were her age

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wilson-barnes nation @clowningdaily

did you👀

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Steve Rogers ✓ @CptAmerica  

No.

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your information center @allstarks replying to @OfficialPepperPotts

morgan stark, an intellectual, asking the hard questions 

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michelle j. @blcdahlia

live interview with peter parker-stark this friday at 5pm; stream on my youtube/instagram/tiktok

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pvtvr @ppstarkedits

yassss

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iron fam & more @avengersbubble replying to @blcdahlia

thank you queen

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peter stark DAILY @pbps_updates replying to @blcdahlia

we will be SAT

Chapter Text

tc @wallcrawler

hey @smparody you actually give off an insane peter stark energy 

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yfn spider-man @smparody

thanks, that’s observant of you to say <3

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ashley @fivetwo

do you still claim you are the real spider-man

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yfn spider-man @smparody

all i am saying is no one’s seen me and spider-man in the same room before

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nairobi @eprentiss

or peter stark and spider-man. but they’ve seen peter stark as spider-man

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yfn spider-man @smparody

okay nerd

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72980 @aikruger replying to @smparody

no one’s seen you period

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spooder @spmnyc

do a face reveal 

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tc @wallcrawler

yes my fave and longest lasting parody acc, pls do a face reveal 

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yfn spider-man @smparody

ok one second

yfn spider-man @smparody  

face reveal yall!!! come get it while it’s hot

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chia @p3t3r4rmy

touché

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tc @wallcrawler replying to @smparody

you are killing me

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yfn spider-man @smparody

well perhaps my soul is rotten

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matt @matekate

now that’s a bar to drop on a wednesday morning 

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yfn spider-man @smparody

i do all my bar dropping on a wednesday morning. then thursday afternoon i do bar lifting 

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ben10 @darkthoughtsand

i do bar hopping on a friday evening. anybody wanna stop by for a pint?

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c. @evanmarqquez1

most of the audience here is below 21 probably 

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ben10 @darkthoughtsand

what’s that got to do with anything🤔

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yfn spider-man @smparody replying to @smparody

look, i don't pretend to be some kind of an expert. i pretend to be spider-man

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yfn spider-man @smparody  

[in this joke i am experiencing a second childhood, or posing as a superhero. both good options]

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charlo @ttespidey

thx for explaining mate, i almost didnt get it🙏

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yfn spider-man @smparody

anytime

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peter’s version @allmyexes

we were blessed today🙏🙏

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pvtvr @ppstarkedits

THANK YOU MJ we all chant in unison 

peter stark DAILY @pbps_updates

my favorite quotes from today’s interview ;a thread

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peter stark DAILY @pbps_updates

peter: my brain looks like an IKEA catalogue

mj: elaborate 

peter: its written in swedish but i dont speak swedish

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2012 @_willtruman

mine is written in english and english is my 1st language and it’s not any better🥴

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peter stark DAILY @pbps_updates replying to @pbps_updates

peter: “i think my dark undereye circles are adding to the aesthetic actually”

mj: “moving on,”

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peter stark DAILY @pbps_updates

peter: “why would i finish a thought when i could start a new more exciting one”

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elijah (he/him) @tloverboy

this is the most adhd thing ive heard today. i relate.

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ava @hilliwilldieon

same, i want this on my epitaph

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peter stark DAILY @pbps_updates replying to @pbps_updates

peter: i wish not caring about anything was an option, that would be so cool. unfortunately i live in the world

mj: true. i care too much but somehow also not enough

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hawkear @eyesold

the disease of: current state of the world

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peter stark DAILY @pbps_updates replying to @pbps_updates

mj: is there anything i didn’t ask about that you want to say

peter: *looks directly into the camera*

peter: i hope you all are feeling ok and eating normal things (food, for example)

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your information center @allstarks 

mj: *sigh*

-

stark(s) updates @theironfam

some stills from the interview 

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gay dr robby @michaelrobinavitch

hey so im going to paste these photos onto the walls of my room and maybe, just maybe, build a new religion around them

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tc @wallcrawler

valid

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♕♘ @iwillhesitate replying to @michaelrobinavitch

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lily @twentytwopilots replying to @theironfam

i actually need those tattooed on my eyelids

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v.3 @otherdaystudio replying to @theironfam

yall doing too much. that’s literally the same white man as many others 

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shure ✓ @shuriofwakanda

“why are you always gossiping so much” god forbid i spread awareness 🙄

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michelle j. @blcdahlia

god forbid a girl shares the news with the coven

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sally ★ @avrillsll replying to @shuriofwakanda 

"you told your groupchat already?" god forbid a girl reports back to headquarters

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charles @murphystem

god forbid i check in with HR😫

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first @krisonsea

the council must provide input🗣️

ned leeds @inthechair

“you laugh at everything" god forbid somebody has a pure heart and a willingness to find the joy in all things. what a tragedy it is to see the light and yet still choose darkness.

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HTO ✓ @harryosborn

god forbid a guy wanna giggle

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abe b. @thatisfalse

like sorry for radiating joy i guess

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elijah (he/him) @tloverboy replying to @inthechair

“you laugh at everything" god forbid someone not be miserable in this miserable world 

peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

"why did you date him?" god forbid a guy donates to charity

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nahele phd @nhuikala

god forbid a guy give back to the community😵‍💫

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harley SI ✓ @hkeener

fr god forbid we prioritize community service

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RiRi @williamsriri replying to @parkours

my dating history was how i collected my volunteering hours

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cindy ☽ @cindym00n replying to @parkours

god forbid a girl show love to the unloved

HTO ✓ @harryosborn

“you always get way too hammered” god forbid i give it my all

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harley SI ✓ @hkeener

god forbid we give things our best effort🫠

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RiRi @williamsriri replying to @harryosborn

god forbid a white boy catches a vibe

yelena. ✓ @whitebelova

"why do you eat so much pasta?" god forbid a girl has a hobby

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marvellous @captainohcaptn

god forbid a girl study culinary arts

camila @dawsonsi

"why are you always yapping at work?" god forbid a woman participate in team bonding activities

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elliot @si_elliot

god forbid i try and work in a positive environment

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours replying to @dawsonsi

god forbid you wanna lift morale

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harley SI ✓ @hkeener replying to @dawsonsi

i thought yall asked if i had communication skills ?????

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nahele phd @nhuikala replying to @dawsonsi

i thought we valued collaboration!!? my mistake

Carol Danvers ✓ @CptMarvel

"are you looking at her ex's instagram again" god forbid a girl stays educated and up to date with current events

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bean @lastsoup

god forbid a girl studies history

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loki ✓ @godofmischief replying to @CptMarvel

god forbid i stay aware of natural disasters

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greatest archer in the world ✓ @katebiishop replying to @CptMarvel

god forbid a girl gets a confidence boost

Bruce Banner ✓ @doctorhulk

"you have anger issues" god forbid i carry on the family legacy🙄

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sciencebros!! @bruciebear

god forbid i'm my father's daughter😬

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greatest archer in the world ✓ @katebiishop replying to @doctorhulk

this is so wild and fluorescent of you

betty @elizabethbrant

"you're always the first to leave work" god forbid i respect my contracted hours

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brad @ehdavis

god forbid i act my wage😭

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michelle j. @blcdahlia replying to @elizabethbrant

god forbid i get back home to enjoy my rent

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours replying to @elizabethbrant

this take is absolutely valid but every time you post something work related i have the impression you hate your job😭😭

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betty @elizabethbrant

i hate the company i work for !

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betty @elizabethbrant

like they have me write/post slander about literally my friend🫤

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

haha im fine with it <3, i know you don’t mean it & all due respect who reads daily bugle unironically anyway

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betty @elizabethbrant

not even its employees🤭

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your information center @allstarks 

okay but betty literally slayed in her replies💀

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pvtvr @ppstarkedits

she is giving hella trans

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stace @stayonslay

she’s giving hella cunt. lot of trans girls serve cunt, but cis women can too. more of them should honestly

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E @dudeman1

what the fuck does any of this even mean

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bucky ✓ @jbbarnes

“why’d you murder all these people” god forbid a man has a hobby🙄

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wilson-barnes nation @clowningdaily

god forbid a man utilizes his skills to succeed in a cut-throat profession 

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cinnamon assassin @sgtb2rnes

how you felt using the word cut-throat for this

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wilson-barnes nation @clowningdaily

would you believe i actually used that unintentionally🤭

    |

Steve Rogers ✓ @CptAmerica replying to @jbbarnes

Bucky no.

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natasha romanov ✓ @blackwidow

Bucky yes.

    |

Sam Wilson ✓ @TheFalcon replying to @jbbarnes

OH MY GOD

    |

bucky ✓ @jbbarnes

yes, dear?

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours replying to @jbbarnes

@jbbarnes is one bigass crack account lol. we stan one (1) 100yo man and that’s bucky

    |

peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

cap needs to find himself a new category sorry i didn’t make the rules

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iron fan @gbiron9

you literally just made that rule tho

    |

peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

shh no i dont make the rules i just enforce them

    |

sammmhm @falconsupremacy

glad to see the one-sided peter v. steve beef is alive and well

    |

Tony Stark ✓ @IronMan replying to @jbbarnes

@OfficialPepperPotts

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bucky ✓ @jbbarnes

SNITCH

Chapter Text

peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

i might be dying 

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

or i might not!

    |

peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

who knows. not me

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Tony Stark ✓ @IronMan

please keep in mind that i see everything you tweet. 

    |

Tony Stark ✓ @IronMan

i almost had a heart attack before friday informed me that you are NOT in fact bleeding out in some alleyway, but rather are lounging on a beanbag in the living room

    |

peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

“please keep in mind that i see everything you tweet” okay stalker 

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harley SI ✓ @hkeener  

like idk man get a job or something 

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

that’s what im saying 

    |

V. Pepper Potts ✓ @OfficialPepperPotts

Boys.

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours  

sorry mom

    |

harley SI ✓ @hkeener replying to @OfficialPepperPotts

apologies pepper

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Tony Stark ✓ @IronMan  

SERIOUSLY

    |

peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

love u dad😁

    |

harley SI ✓ @hkeener

& im not sorry mechanic 

    |

Tony Stark ✓ @IronMan

love you too bud @parkours & i’m going to start charging you rent @hkeener

    |

harley SI ✓ @hkeener

you have no right to my rent. i am peter’s flatmate and i am living off of him rent free, not you

    |

peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

sorry to say man but that is dad’s piece of investment property. i have exactly 0 apartments to my name and am also living here rent free

    |

ned leeds @inthechair

you pay rent by babysitting your sister for free🤷‍♂️

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peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours  

for that i would actually pay extra tbh

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first @krisonsea

can i please find a rich friend whose parents will allow me to live in their apartment rent free

    |

sunflower widow @natashaliathree

like FR. manifesting this for future me

-

ned leeds @inthechair

(scrolling twitter) wow this is so cringe (switching apps to text gf) hey babe bad news i went to the store to get some more forehead kisses but they were all out of singles so i had to get a pack of one billion :/

    |

harley SI ✓ @hkeener

most ned tweet i have ever seen

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betty @elizabethbrant replying to @inthechair

this is masculinity ❤️

    |

nahele phd @nhuikala replying to @inthechair

a real man

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shure ✓ @shuriofwakanda replying to @inthechair

do not kill the part of you that is cringe, kill the part that cringes

    |

peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours replying to @inthechair

being single with ned & betty as your friends in not for the weak 

    |

silas @chaosprince

we can change that ;)

    |

lily @twentytwopilots replying to @parkours

wait, you are single?

    |

peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours

yep, i may not have a partner, but i do have a rich life full of wonderful close friends who are always there to tell me “aw that sucks”

    |

duncan @lcpdforse

man my friends only tell me i suck

    |

eva @firstevereve replying to @parkours

suddenly i feel better about not having a girlfriend ‘cause if peter stark does not have a partner then realistically what were the chances for me

    |

mate£ @spiderlaptop

yeah but he’s probably single cuz he has high standards and you’re single cuz other lesbians have high standards

    |

eva @firstevereve

carpool is cancelled for tomorrow, you can walk 

-

harley SI ✓ @hkeener

i hate when you mention a brand in a joke tweet and then that account riffs in the replies. like shut up planet fitness this isnt an open mic

    |

harley SI ✓ @hkeener

honestly impressed by planet fitness for not taking the bait

    |

harley SI ✓ @hkeener

god damnit

    |

RiRi @williamsriri

silence, BRAND

    |

michelle j. @blcdahlia 

don't mind if i don't

    |

cindy ☽ @cindym00n

let's not! and say we didn't!

    |

chris @ontherunn replying to @hkeener

sir this is a social media

    |

harley SI ✓ @hkeener

if you’re a chris, a brian or a josh, you’re also a matt to me, in many ways

    |

chris @ontherunn

😦

    |

HTO ✓ @harryosborn replying to @hkeener

marks and daves lurk uneasily nearby

    |

zach @urcousinscousin

i am none of the above

    |

abe b. @thatisfalse replying to @hkeener

please explain 

    |

harley SI ✓ @hkeener

i couldn’t if i could 

-

loki ✓ @godofmischief

i want to change the world 

    |

THOR ✓ @GodOfThunder  

for the better, right?

    |

THOR ✓ @GodOfThunder

loki?

    |

THOR ✓ @GodOfThunder replying to @godofmischief

loki answer me

    |

loki ✓ @godofmischief

idk it can just be whatever 

    |

yelena. ✓ @whitebelova

can’t get much worse than now anyway🤷‍♀️

    |

silas @chaosprince

yeah let’s try to spice it up

    |

samael @kingofchaos replying to @godofmischief

if this tweet came out in 2013 there would be notional emergency declared and now everyone it just like … whatever. maybe loki should take charge for a while

-

yfn spider-man @smparody

saw a bird outside today

    |

nairobi @eprentiss

is there a photo?

    |

yfn spider-man @smparody  

no. flew away

    |

flash @fthompson

happens

    |

yfn spider-man @smparody replying to @smparody

i would like to be admired by birds somehow

    |

yfn spider-man @smparody

i need to earn their respect

    |

tc @wallcrawler

i think you can do it

    |

peter p. stark SI ✓ @parkours replying to @smparody

you know they talk to each other i bet they say nice things about you

    |

spooder @spmnyc

omg what

    |

remi @whitewidow

who*

    |

ashley @fivetwo replying to @parkours

    |

72980 @aikruger

    |

pvtvr @ppstarkedits

    |

yfn spider-man @smparody replying to @parkours

jfc leave me alone

    |

em @oceanguard

😭😭? WHAT

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spidey watch @smwatch

spider-man cyberbullied by a spider-man parody account

    |

spooder @spmnyc

nooo not my fake spidey going mainstream😭

    |

tc @wallcrawler

fr yall better stay away from my man 🤺🤺

    |

pepperony @pptsotp replying to @smwatch

i like how the “jfc” implies this is not the first time peter *bothers* him

    |

sammmhm @falconsupremacy replying to @smwatch

i need to know who runs that account and become friends with them

    |

marco @marcopolo replying to @smwatch

@smparody can you fight