Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Over the lifetime of an average cog, they experienced countless number of changes to their internal and external mechanisms. Redesigns to their shell every couple of years in order to make them appear sleek or to fit in with the most recent design trends for cogs in Suitopia. For the average legal eagle, this happened more often than not. Constant redesigns, replaced parts, and changed hardware. For one particular Legal Eagle, this had happened so often he’d become almost disillusioned with it. It was impossible to say if this was because of his own interests, or because the company wanted him to be disillusioned with the experience, after all the less he cared the easier it would be to change out his parts at every whim.

Many of his former boardbot friends had been redesigned recently, most of which even lost large portions of their personalities and memories after they’d been redesigned. Seeing this happen first hand struck a chord of terror deep within this legal eagle, after all who’s to say he had never experienced something similar before. He knew he’d been around for longer than most of his colleagues, and he found himself to be far more forgetful than them. When they’d recall their time at law school he was left at a loss, unable to recall anything but a very faint memory of being afraid. It wasn’t like the typical feeling of fear, it was a feeling of dread that ate away at him each time he tried to think about his time in law school.

Was there something he was forgetting? Something so important that even the faint memory of it sent him into a panic. As he looked into the mirror across from him in his breakroom, he couldn’t recall anything, not that this had ever worked for him before. Looking into his own reflection only seemed to raise more questions than it did answers. How long had he been doing this? His features weren’t quite the same as his peers, his cheeks more blocky, the feathers on his head styled differently, his eyes narrower and beak wider. They were small, yet notable differences, features he’d only ever seen in photographs of former Legal Eagle designs. He shook his head, almost afraid to find the answer to that question. So he turned away from the mirror and left the breakroom, his heart aching too heavily to continue looking any more.

His posture fixed itself the moment he stepped into the hallway, a pre-programmed response to being in public. The rigid movements, the coordinated steps, all parts of him that had been forced onto him. This wasn’t really him was it? None of this was him, the way he walked, the way he talked, even the way that he spoke had all been decided for him. All at the cost of his existence as an individual. Just another in a very long line, another cog in the machine, another sacrifice to keep the company going, just like…

His mind went blank, his mouth drying as he felt a name on the tip of his tongue. Unconsciously he knew what he was going to say, like the answer to a test that you just can’t quite bring to the forefront of your mind. Who was he trying to remember? What was his name?

His… how did he know the person he was trying to think of was a man at all. In reality he couldn’t trust this assumption at all, and yet, he’d never felt more certain of anything in his life. This person was a man, a man who he may have known in his past. He just needed to recall his name, to recall his face, to recall anything about him.

And then he crashed. Tripping over a small cog he didn’t even notice in front of him. The two stumbled to the ground as he did his best to keep from falling on top of her. She was apologizing over and over as if she’d been the one that had crashed into him.

As the Eagle lifted himself off of the ground, he found himself extending a hand out towards her. “ Don’t be sorry, I was the one who ran into you after all.” He mentally pushed away the hundreds of worried thoughts that were plaguing him as he spoke, taking his mind off of it as he focused on the cog he’d just knocked over.

It was one of his managers, Misty Monsoon, someone he’d never really worked with before. Despite many eagles like himself being sent to aid her in her battles against toons, he was always singled out and told to stay behind, something he never quite understood. He just wanted to do his job, and preventing him from helping his colleagues was directly impeding his ability to do so.

Misty continued to awkwardly apologize to him as she took his hand and lifted herself off of the floor. Doing her best to not glance up at his face as she glanced between the ground and the cog in front of her. “ I appreciate it.” She rubbed her thumb over her palm nervously as she glanced up at him again. The eagle could have sworn he saw a flicker of recognition in her eyes as she tried to hide the fact she was studying his features. “ Wait…” Her voice trailed off as she pressed a hand over her mouth, eyes widening as if she’d realized something.

A feeling of panic began to course through the eagle's veins as he began to question if he’d done something wrong. It was clear to him that she’d realized something while looking at him, and his thoughts began to drift back towards his lack of memory. Countless theories began to swirl in his mind as he watched Misty try to formulate her sentence. Had he done something to upset her in the past? It would explain the company’s mandate that he avoids working with her at all costs. He’d have no way of knowing if he had done something, nor would he have wanted to do something to upset her. She was a kind cog after all, someone he once considered a friend and… and, had he considered her a friend before?

She reached out to take one of his trembling hands, a look of sorrow was clear on her face. “ Clarence? Is that really you?” Her voice broke as she tried her best not to cry, her hair darkening as rain began to fall outside. She was looking at him like one would look at a long lost friend. “ I haven’t seen you since school… I heard you’d gone missing and…” She trailed off as she realized the eagle in front of her looked almost lost. A confused look on his face and a frown on his beak.

“ Clarence? I’m sorry you might have confused me with someone else, my model of eagle was built without a proper name.” He pulled his hand away from her. He looked out the window next to them as he tried to ignore the heartbroken look on her face at his words. His mechanical heart was pounding as he noticed his reflection in the window, the sky further darkening outside, making it easier to see himself in the mirror. Something caught his eye, a small golden ring on his finger that caught the light. Had he always worn a ring like that?

Misty shook her head, clasping her shaking hands together as she looked up at him. “ No, no I’m sure it’s you.” She feebly argued before she reached into her pockets, frantically searching for her phone. “ You might look different now but I know that’s you Clancy, you’ve got this…” Her voice trailed off into the distance as the Eagle ran.

He didn’t know why he was running, every part of his body screamed for him to get away from there, to avoid interacting with her ever again. He didn’t understand what was going on, why he’d suddenly started feeling so panicked, so afraid, so… alone.

He was in a small break room now, using a chair to block the door behind him before his legs completely gave out on him. He collapsed to the floor with a loud sob, tears streaming down his face as his mind raced with thousands of unanswerable questions. His limbs felt like they were filled with concrete, refusing to move even an inch as he tried to wipe his tears. His eyes were fixed onto the door in front of him as if something was going to burst through it. He couldn’t understand why he’d been so afraid that he felt the need to run. Why he was so afraid he blocked the door. Why he felt so overwhelmingly sad, like his whole world had just collapsed on itself, like he’d just lost something, no… someone that he’d held so dear.

Suddenly he slapped both hands against his cheeks in an attempt to get some control of his spiraling thoughts. He began to mumble to himself as he fished a small handkerchief from his coat pocket. “ Get it together… this isn’t you… Just get back to work… Get back to work or they’ll fire you. You can’t afford that Cla-” His monologue came to a sudden halt, his mouth going dry again. Once again a name lingered on the tip of his tongue, but no matter how he tried he just couldn’t say it. “ No… No, it doesn’t matter. Just get back to work! Get back to work and forget about all of this!! It’s not important…” His words took on a venomous tone as he hissed at himself.

He forced himself to stand despite his entire body protesting against the action. His legs trembled, his eyes were sore, his heart ached, but he had work that he needed to do. He couldn’t risk getting fired now. So he wiped the last of his tears away, straightened his tie, and moved the chair away from the door. With a deep breath he took one last look at the handkerchief to fold it so he could put it away. Among the tear stains, he noticed a set of initials embroidered along the corner ‘C.W’ they said. There was a small pink heart embroidered next to them, a small detail he couldn’t help but find adorable. He brushed his thumb over it, a hollow feeling of love washing over him as he did so.

He wasn’t sure why the sight of the handkerchief felt so reassuring to him, but it was a feeling he desperately needed. As he folded the handkerchief his eyes drifted yet again to the small gold ring around his finger. The metal was weathered, indented several times from typical workplace hazards or the occasional toon attack. He’d worn this for a long time, so long it felt as though it was just a part of him. He didn’t dare remove the ring, he didn’t dare touch it at all. He was too afraid of damaging it, or dropping it, too afraid to lose the last thing that made him who he really was. Too afraid of losing the last thing of his that he still had.

He didn’t question the thoughts and feelings any more. He let them swirl in his mind as he left the breakroom, a symphony of questions that consumed him as he did his job. He knew he may never get any of the answers he wanted, he knew his programming may never let him get those answers, but the fact he was still aware enough to ask these questions at all filled him with hope. Maybe one day he’d remember it all, but for now all there was to do was to wallow in his unanswered questions and do his job.

Chapter Text

A week had passed since the incident and it felt like nothing had changed at all. The eagle was still consumed by questions and a lack of answers. He found himself staring at the ring on his finger for hours on end when his shifts were over as if it was going to give him the answers that he so desperately wished for. Still he continued to work on, with these thoughts plaguing him day after day. It had become much harder to pretend that everything was okay as all of his peers began to notice how distant he’d become. One cog seemed to have noticed much faster than the others, a rather odd Insider who’d become somewhat of a friend to the eagle.

“ Staring off into space again huh?” The insider laughed with a mouthful of food. The eagle couldn’t help but jump a bit at the remark, so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t even noticed that the insider had sat next to him. The eagle's hand tightened a bit at the new cog’s presence, his left hand nervously hovering over the ring as if the sight of it would get him in trouble. However this only seemed to draw more attention to it. “ Huh, is that a wedding ring? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wearing one… I didn’t even know you were married.”

The eagle suppressed the strange urge to lecture the cog about not talking while they were eating, and instead lifted his hand so that the Insider could better see the ring. “ Oh this…? I hardly notice it either… I’ve worn it for so long that I forget it’s even there most of the time.” His words were tinged with bitterness. “ But yes… I’m married.” For some reason he had to fight the urge to say ‘ was’ when talking about his marriage.

“ Well… What are they like?” The Insider pestered, clearly curious to know more.

“ He’s….” The eagle paused, the words catching on the end of his tongue before he could speak them. No matter how he tried he couldn’t force himself to speak when he was actively thinking about it. So he clenched his fist and let out a very upset sigh. “ He was wonderful…” The words slipped out with the sigh as if the eagle hadn’t just been fighting to speak them out loud.

The insider decided not to press seeing the eagle’s frustration, instead focusing on the lighter element at play. “ Sooo who’d you two meet? No wait let me guess, Law School?” The insider teased, a familiar playfulness to their words that the eagle couldn’t quite place.

He laughed, “ Right on the money… A pretty Cliche way for us to meet huh?” The Eagle couldn't quite believe what he was saying himself, he wasn’t sure if any of this was true but once he’d started talking it was like the words took over for him. “ He went on to save my life and I fell in love… it was like something out of a romance novel.”

The insider was intently listening, the eagle may not have been able to see their face under the high collar and wide brimmed hat they were wearing, but he got the sense that they were smiling. “ Wow… d-your husband sounds like a great guy.” The insider cleared their throat a little, a flash of light embarrassment crossed their face..

“ He really was…..” There were tears welling in the eagle’s eyes, a pain weighing down in his chest. He knew this feeling, he wasn’t sure how but he knew this feeling was grief, an emotion cogs should never have to deal with. “ I… miss him dearly…”

The insider nodded, a little unsure how to proceed here. “ You, uh, sound a lot like my dad…” They laughed awkwardly, nervously pressing their thumbs together as they avoided eye contact. “ When we moved out of Suitopia, he used to talk about my Papa the same way…”

The eagle was doing his best to wipe the tears from his eyes, mentally telling himself to get it together as the focus on the conversation shifted away from him. “ I didn’t know you worked with your father.”

The insider looked uncomfortable. “ Well he doesn’t work here anymore… nor do we talk…” Their nails dug into their trench coat. The expression on their face was all too easy to read, they knew they were telling the Eagle too much. “ We… we got into a fight before he left… a really bad one…”

“ Oh I’m so sorry.” The eagle reached out to pat the Insider on the back, the smaller cog seemed to appreciate the gesture, leaning into the contact a bit with each pat.

“ It was my fault. He was worried about my Papa, and I was just too focused on my job to notice…” The Insider was fighting back tears now, but that wasn’t what the eagle was most focused on. There was a strain to their voice, they kept starting certain words and then holding themself back, like they knew there was something they couldn’t say. A secret they so desperately wanted to tell. “ That fight was the last time we spoke… he told me to quit my job, but I guess it's obvious I didn’t right?”

There was a tense moment where neither cog could bring themselves to speak. The eagle wasn’t sure what to say, and the Insider had quickly realized that they’d said too much. Their gloved hands pressed together nervously as their gaze shifted between the Eagle next to them and the floor.

“ Sorry… that was a bit much wasn’t it? I didn’t mean to just dump that on you.” The Insider breathed out a laugh, it sounded genuine enough but the Eagle somehow knew it wasn’t. The Insider took a big bite of their food to try and break the tension, scattering bread crumbs all over their lap.

The eagle reached out and pat the Insider’s head. He didn’t mean to, but the action felt almost natural. “ There’s no need to apologize, and for what it’s worth, I think he’d be proud of where you are… I know I would be. ” The eagle’s eyes widened a bit as both he and the Insider registered what he’d just said. He could see tears form in the corners of the Insiders eyes as panic began to rush through his system. “ S-sorry that was weird wasn’t it?”

The Eagle flinched as they pulled their hand away from the Insider and abruptly stood up. He didn’t even give the Insider a chance to speak before he started moving away. The action was almost unconscious as he didn’t even need to think about backing away from the Insider.

“ I really should get some work done …. but I’ll talk to you later okay?” The Eagle quickly excused himself before nearly running away from the Insider. He knew he was lying when he said he wanted to speak to the Insider again, but it was the only thing he could think to say to get him out of this situation.

The Insider stood up and tried to call out to him. There was a new panic in their voice as they called out to the eagle. “ Wait! Clancy please I-” The eagle didn’t hear the rest as the door to their office building slammed behind him. It was the second time he’d heard that name in the past two weeks and it sent chills through his whole body. Things were only made worse as a new question began to plague him.

How exactly had the Insider known that name?