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Emily Prentiss stopped a few feet from the door. She could hear the hubbub from inside and a sudden panic filled her. Her stomach flipped unpleasantly and she turned to leave, deciding this was definitely a bad idea. She should never have agreed to come. She frantically rummaged around in her purse as she walked, searching for her cigarettes. Cursing under her breath, she looked down, trying to find those glorious cancer sticks – and promptly collided with someone.
“Shoot, I’m sorry.” She mumbled, raising her eyes.
“Emily! You came!”
She looked up in surprise to see Luke.
“Are you okay?” he asked, seeing the fight-or-flight look in her eyes as he reached out and touched her arm.
Emily nodded tightly, defensiveness permeating her body. “Yeah, I’m good.” she said, jabbing a cigarette between her lips and failing to strike the lighter.
“Are you… leaving already?” he asked curiously.
“I, uhm, yeah. I’m pretty busy and I just remembered something that –“
Luke raised a brow. “Have you been in there yet? At all?” he asked, gesturing to the bar behind her.
A shake of the head, another failed strike of the lighter. “No, no I…” She sighed. She didn’t have an adequate answer for him. “Goddammnit!” she hissed at the lighter, glaring at it with all the hatred she could muster.
“Let me.” Luke offered, striking the bastard thing first go, cupping his hands around the flame and lighting the cigarette for her.
“Thanks.” She nodded, exhaling smoke through the corner of her mouth.
“Wanna sit for a bit before you go? Until you’ve finished your smoke.” he asked, perching on a low brick wall.
Emily sighed and sat next to him, sucking on the cigarette like a lifeline.
“We can go in and join the others when you’re done. If you like.” He mused, watching the moon.
“Who says I’m going in?”
He shrugged, not letting her despondency affect him. “I do.”
Emily narrowed her eyes at him as she sat. “Last I heard, I was your boss – not the other way around.”
“We’re not in the office now.” He said easily.
“So I can’t fire you then?” she noted with petulance.
“Not until Monday morning.”
Emily scoffed. “Consider it scheduled.”
“Duly noted, ma’am.”
“Don’t call me that.” she breathed.
Luke sat quietly as she smoked, inhaling deeply, her exhalation shaking with strain and emotion. “It’s okay, you know? To grieve.” He said softly.
“Shut up, Luke.” She whispered around another drag.
“All those days sealed inside your office. We’re worried about you, is all.”
Another scoff. “No need.”
Luke nodded and watched the cars passing by. “So you’re doing okay then, huh?”
“Peachy.”
“You’re not, maybe… protecting yourself?”
“From what?” she replied, fixing her own eyes on the night sky.
“From letting it go? From accepting that it wasn’t your fault?”
Emily raised a hand. “Don’t, Luke.”
“Because it wasn’t your fault, Emily.” He continued as if she hadn’t spoken. “Because it’s happened, and you can’t change it no matter how much you want to. Because all you’re doing right now is punishing yourself...when we should be punishing him.” He turned to look at her, seeing the tears that filled her eyes, ones she refused to let fall, catching the light.
“I told him he was just a puppet.” She whispered with a rasp. “I made him feel small because he had never fired his weapon; that he’d never faced down a psychopath. I made him feel like a nobody… and then... look what he goes and does: faces down a psychopath.” She laughed bitterly, wiping at her tears. “But he’d never fired his gun. He wasn’t a profiler – he couldn’t read Voit’s tells. He went in there, Luke, to prove something to me. And he got his fucking head blown off for it.” She tossed the spent cigarette to the ground. “And you want me to go in that bar, with you guys, and what? Celebrate? Watch you toast a man that you all hated just to somehow…appease me?”
“When you put it like that, it does sound kinda shitty.” Luke agreed. “This isn’t a celebration, though.” He explained. “And it isn’t for entirely for Bailey – it’s for you as well. We just want to show you that we’re there for you.”
“I know you are.” She husked.
Luke took a hold of her hand, and Emily dipped her head, her grey hair hiding her face from him as she wiped the tears from her cheeks. He knew going in that bar, after two weeks of cutting herself off from everyone; of burying herself in work; of keeping everything inside, was a big thing. “Trust me, boss. Trust us.”
“I don’t even know why you’re doing this – this night out. You didn’t even like the man.” Emily shook her head. Hell, she didn’t even like him. Not until it was too late.
“He was a pompous ass.” Luke nodded. “But what he did took guts, and he didn’t deserve what happened to him.”
Emily smiled sadly. “He wasn’t as big a jerk as he seemed.”
Luke smiled. “So have a drink for him. With us. We’re your friends. Let us be there for you.”
Emily nodded and turned to look at the bar. “You know I’ve never been afraid to enter a bar before.” She breathed.
Luke grinned. “I’ll bet. I bet you had a false ID at eighteen.” He teased.
“I didn’t need one in Europe.” She mused, picturing her fifteen year old self getting steadily drunk in too many countries to count. Trying to lose herself. Trying to erase who she was. She was doing the same thing now, of course. She knew it – except this time, instead of using alcohol to bury herself, she was using work. She shook her head, shaking away the memories of the lost girl she used to be. She was a grown woman now; a Fed; a leader. But right now, she felt small. And stupid. And still lost.
Emily took a deep breath. “I’ve been a bit of a jerk, haven’t I?”
“Yep.” He laughed, offering his hand.
“Hey!” She took his hand and they walked together towards the bar, both of them pausing under the sickly neon. Emily exhaled. “I think I’ve wallowed long enough.” She looked up at Luke and gave his and a firm, commanding tug. “What are you waiting for?” she asked with a grin.
Luke laughed softly and walked inside with her, discreetly releasing her hand as JJ descended on them from across the bar and wrapped Emily in a close embrace.
When JJ pulled back, there was a question in her eyes.
“I’m good.” Emily nodded. “Feels strange to get out of the office.”
JJ smiled, glad to finally see Emily away from the office that she had been holed up in – even sleeping there – for the past couple of weeks. “About time you surfaced - even maximum security inmates get one hour out of their cells a day, you know.”
Emily groaned at the joke.
“Tara was talking about getting an access hatch built into your office door so we could slide a food tray in.” JJ teased.
“Very funny.”
“Yeah. Dave vetoed it, stating a wine bottle wouldn’t fit.” JJ added with a wink.
“Okay, okay – point made.” Emily laughed – and once that laugh made its way out of her throat, she felt a great deal of her anxiety leave with it.
JJ looped her arm with Emily’s. “We got a table further back where it’s quieter.” She gave Luke a pointed look. “How about getting a drink for the Chief?”
Luke, taking the hint immediately confirmed Emily’s preferred tipple and disappeared.
“I’m good. Honestly.” Emily assured her friend.
“I’m sorry about the ambush to bring you here.” JJ explained. “I tried to tell Penelope that maybe it was a bit much… but you know how she is.”
Emily smiled more genuinely. “It’s okay. I think I needed the push. You know... like a toddler being shoved into the deep end of the pool.”
JJ snorted a laugh as they made their way to join the rest of the team.
“There she is!” Dave greeted, clasping Emily’s upper arms and planting a kiss to each of her cheeks.
Emily couldn’t help the smile that touched her lips. There was something so safe, so comforting about Dave Rossi’s presence. His eyes searched hers when he pulled back and she nodded silently.
“Em!” Penelope screeched from a few feet away and trapped Emily in a hug before she could blink. “Thank GOD you’re here – JJ has been kicking everyone’s butts at darts.”
“No more darts, Jareau!” Emily ordered, her voice partially muffled by Penelope’s shoulder.
When she was finally released from the hug-to-end-all-hugs, Emily sat. Tara – ever a solid and steadying presence – caught her eyes and simply raised her glass, a smile on her face, before yelling, “Alvez – hurry up with that drink!”
“So tonight?” Emily began. “Is this a ‘polite drink to toast the memory of’ – or is it a ‘drink until you black out’ kinda thing?”
“What do you need it to be?” Tara asked.
Emily blew out a breath as she pondered that.
“I have a better idea.” Penelope said, pausing until she had everyone’s attention. “It is a ‘drink until you laugh’ night. And I have you scheduled for karaoke at 9pm – so you’d better be laughing by then, Chief.”
“Are you ordering me?” Emily grinned.
“Yes. Yes I am.” Penelope nodded seriously.
Emily gave her a smile and exhaled heavily. “I think the first order of the night is to raise a glass to Doug Bailey. I know he was…” she searched for the words.
“A pompous ass?” Luke offered.
Emily grinned and nodded. “That too. But he was one of us, and he was killed in the line of duty... and he didn’t deserve that. And I… I grew to like him. He was a good guy. He was.” She nodded.
“To good guys.” JJ echoed, raising her glass. They toasted in silence.
After a beat or two, Emily spoke again. “Secondly, I need to apologise to you guys too.”
“Unnecessary.” Dave assured her softly.
Emily shook her head. “Thanks Dave, but I need to.” She toyed with the rim of her glass. “I haven’t handled it as well as I should have. It just… it hit me hard and… and I let it get to me. I just shut myself away because I feel like I should have been able to stop him from doing that. He wanted to prove something to me and it got him killed. And I felt like I did when we lost Stephen.” She sighed sadly. “A lot of people have died because of me.” She looked across at JJ – the one person who was there for her when Sean and Tsia and those innocent families were murdered because of what she had done as Lauren Reynolds. “And I felt that maybe you’d be better off with a new Chief. So I just… locked myself away. I’m sorry, guys.”
There was a heavy silence that fell over the table. It was Tara that spoke first, offering a deadpan grin as she stated, “That’s a buzzkill.”
Emily burst out laughing.
“You didn’t just go there, did you?” Luke grinned.
Tara raised a brow. “Weren’t you listening?! Which reminds me - You know who’s so poor they can’t pay attention? Yo’ mama!”
JJ took a hold of Emily’s hand as the table relaxed into laughter and gentle chatter, the team falling back into their familiar patterns, tensions easing as they talked. “You know none of us blame you.” She whispered.
Emily nodded. “I think it’s finally getting through this thick skull.”
JJ grinned. “I’m glad!”
“Hey, aren’t you supposed to say something like ‘your skull isn’t thick, Emily’?”
“That’d make me a liar.”
Emily groaned and squeezed JJ’s hand more tightly. “Thanks.”
“For what?”
“Everything. All of it. Paris. I’ve never had a friend like you, y’know? Someone who is there. Really there for me. No matter what.”
JJ smiled. “Says the woman who flew across the world to rescue me.”
“Quid pro quo.” Emily shrugged.
“No matter what.” JJ agreed.
“No matter what.”