Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I didn't like the look of these 3 at all.

"Hey, Squidward, this doesn't look like the Krusty Krab!"

"Ya don't say."

Nope. Not one bit.

"A-A-A-Aqua...who...what are these creatures?" I would ask, my hand to my sword.

"IF I KNEW KAZUMA, I WOULDN'T BE HIDING BEHIND YOU!"

Then, the starfish opened its mouth, sluggishly stating, "Hey, have you got any food?"

KONOSUBA!

We had tied them up in the center of the mansion. Megumin kept poking at the squid with her wand. He seemed annoyed, but to be honest, his face always seemed annoyed.

"Megumin, can you stop now." I said, grabbing her staff.

She puffed her cheeks and exhaled. "I'm just...analyzing them Kazuma."

"Analyzing us for what?" the weird, ugly, blue octopus thing bemoaned. For some reason, looking at it made me feel down.

Aqua's grip on my shoulders suddenly jolted in pressure, to the point that my back was starting to hurt.

"K-kazuma? When are you going to kill those things?" she whispered in my ear in a soft, well-spoken voice.

It sent shivers down my spine. I immediately pushed her off and started to scold her.

"We are not going to kill them! At least, until we find out how much money they're worth in the bar!"

She gasped, then smiled. "Great idea!"

I can already taste that sweet, sweet bubbly.

"NO!" Megumin shouted. Gaining our attention. "We're jumping to conclusions here! Those things can talk! Shouldn't we ask them why they're here?"

"Fine." I muttered.

Before I did that, I used my lip reading skill to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Did you guys hear them? They're going to sell us!" The Octopus said.

"Sell us to what?" The star replied.

"Oh I don't know!"

"Hey, maybe they mean they're going to SEND us back home!" The sponge said with a chuckle. The Star began to laugh alongside him.

"I'm going to die here, with these baboons." The Squid said, hopelessly.

At the very least, I discovered that they were an eccentric bunch.

I walked up to them, pulling my most threatening face. While the Octopus looked horrified, the other two looked like they weren't even in the room.

"Alright you freaks. What are you?"

The Sponge giggled. "Don't you mean who are we?"

"No. I mean what are you. As in I have no clue what you are."

"Really? I thought it was pretty obvious. I'm a sea sponge. THE Sea Sponge, not to brag. And my two partners here are Squidward and Patrick!"

Squidward and Patrick. Those ring a bell. The chemicals in my brain immediately produced this nostalgic feeling.

"And you?"

"Spongebob Square pants! Ready for duty!"

Even more familiar. But I just couldn't lock in a specific memory. It felt like a missing puzzle piece.

As I was about to continue questioning, Megumin came from underneath my armpit.

"So COOL! So you three are like, real sea creatures?"

"How many times are you going to ask that?" Patrick said.

"Real as can be!" Spongebob agreed.

"So how can you breathe right now?" she asked.

"Some Dolphin deity. It's a really really long story."

"That checks out," I said.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT CHECKS OUT?"

Even I was starting to become a bit intrigued, much to the dismay of Aqua.

"B-but that still doesn't explain how you guys got here!" she screamed. "Start explaining, or we'll see just how much people here love Sushi!"

"Why of course! Squidward?"

However, Squidward at this point had gone into some sort of anaphylactic shock. He was sweating so much, that he was beginning to fill up the buckets placed around them.

"Is he OK?" I asked.

"Guess I'll have to tell you guys myself!"

FLASHBACK

Spongebob is enthusiastically mopping the floors, when Patrick rushes in, looking excited.

"Spongebob! Check out this shiny button I found!"

Out of his hammerspace, he slammed a large looking button on the floor of the Krusty Krab.

"Woah! That's a really cool ominous looking button!"

Fresh from his break, walked the miserable Squidward, who after two looks, noticed those idiots were doing something stupid.

"What are you 2 idiots doing now? And where did you get that RIDICULOUS looking button?"

"It's not RIDICULOUS Squidward! We haven't even seen what it does yet!"

Patrick stretched his arm, only to have it slapped by Squidward.

"Dont you two know not to touch random buttons from the middle of nowhere?"

The two thought for a moment, and then nodded in agreement.

"Hmph. I'll go take this to Krabs and see-"

As he lifted it up and carried it over to Krab's office, he suddenly slipped over some soapy water, and falling, and smashing the button into pieces.

"Uh Oh."

A magic Circle appeared beneath them, glowing brightly against the walls. However, the customers around simply glanced at the spectacle and went back to focusing on their food.

"Ooooo! Squidward! This looks exciting!"
Squidward moaned, standing up after cracking his back. But by the time he opened his eyes...

"Huh?"

The Sun was suspiciously brighter than usual. The air was dry rather than kelpy. And before them was a hulking manor, with market stands on either side leading to it. A rather livelier than usual day, in the city of Axel.

"WOAHHH" Spongebob and Patrick gasped, hands pressed to their cheeks.

"Patrick? I don't think we're in Bikini Bottom anymore."

"Really? Cool! Right, Squidward?"

Looking back on their compadre, he had already begun frantically digging through the ground.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! NO NO NO NO!"

"Hey Squidward! Isn't this new place so cool?"

"C-cool? This isn't cool! No, this isn't cool at all!"

"Well, why not?" Patrick slurred.

"The season finale of Sea Drama was supposed to release today! And I'd bought bon bons just for that!"

"Well that's fine! I'm sure they have Cable around here somewhere!"

Squidward's eye twitched. He slowly turned to Patrick, his breath ragged with stress.

"Oh, sure, Patrick. Let me just go and ask the nearest medieval peasant if they've got a premium cable package that includes Sea Drama Plus!"

Patrick gasped. "You really think they have it?"

Squidward let out an inhuman groan and collapsed onto his knees. "Why me…? Why am I stuck here with you two IDIOTS?"

SpongeBob patted his back cheerfully. "Aw, don't be such a frowny frown, Squiddy! We should make the most of this exciting new adventure!"

Patrick nodded. "Yeah! Who knows, maybe we'll find a new hobby! Or a new friend! Or—"

"—or maybe we'll get eaten by a dragon, trampled by a horse, or thrown in jail for whatever insane law they have against talking sea creatures! This isn't an adventure, it's a nightmare!"

Before Squidward could continue spiralling, the trio suddenly heard a voice.

"Oi, you three! Stop blocking the road!"

They turned to see a group of adventurers giving them weird looks. The leader, a scruffy man with a massive sword, furrowed his brows. "What are you supposed to be? Some kinda circus act?"

SpongeBob beamed. "Oh boy, Patrick! They think we're performers!"

Patrick grinned. "They must have seen my amazing rock impression!" He proceeded to go completely still and expressionless.

Squidward, facepalming, muttered, "Oh great, they think we're freaks. This is already going downhill."

Before the adventurers could ask more questions, a loud voice cut through the marketplace.

"KAZUMAAAA! WHERE ARE MY DRINKS?!"

From behind them, a blue-haired woman with a staff stomped through the crowd, followed by a brown-haired guy in a green cape.

The brown-haired guy stopped in his tracks, staring wide-eyed at the trio. "What the hell are those things?"

Squidward crossed his arms. "Finally, someone who recognizes how ridiculous this situation is."

The guy squinted, looking at them closely.

Aqua peeked over his shoulder and immediately recoiled. "Kazuma! Kill them! Kill them now before they lay eggs in my brain!"

Squidward's jaw dropped. "Excuse me?"

"No."

"EHHHH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO KAZUMA???"

"I'm not being payed for this. What if they're super dangerous or something?"

Squidward blinked. "What? I-i mean yeah! We're super dangerous!"

He gestured to the other two to follow his lead. Winking.

"Right? Guys?"

Spongebob and Partick glanced at each other, before giggling hard. "Yeah! We're super, duper dangerous!" Spongebob added.

"See? Not worth it."

"But Kazuma!!! I don't want them to lay eggs in my Head!"

"Those poor Eggs wouldn't have anything to eat anyway."

Suddenly, a voice rang out, full of dramatic flair.

"Hohoho! Did someone say… monsters?"

A girl in a red cloak and an oversized hat stepped forward, striking a stupid pose.

"Yes! Megumin! Blow them up!" Aqua shouted, clinging to his back like he was her human shield.

Squidward's confidence evaporated instantly, his nose shrinking in fear. Meanwhile, the other two idiots just kept giggling.

"Gladly!" Megumin grinned, raising her staff.

Before she could start chanting, Kazuma grabbed it and yanked it away.

"HEY! KAZUMA! GIVE THAT BACK!"

"ARE YOU STUPID, MEGUMIN? WE'RE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE GUILD!"

He grabbed her cheeks and pulled aggressively. "USE YOUR BRAIN! THINK OF ALL THE MONEY I'D HAVE TO WASTE FIXING THE DAMAGE!"

With a sigh, He unsheathed my sword. "Of course, the one time I try to do the responsible thing, I still have to deal with this."

Squidward gulped. "D-do what?"

"If you really want them gone that badly—" He pointed his sword at them, trying to look cool. "—then I'll handle it."

"Wait! Let's be civilized about this!" Squidward pleaded. "We can work something out!"

"Alright, which one of you is the leader?"

SpongeBob and Patrick exchanged glances.

"Well, Squidward did tell us to play along…" SpongeBob said.

"Yeah, he is the one who talks the most," Patrick added.

"Then stand aside."

"If you say so! Come on, Patrick!"

The two of them cheerfully walked to the side, leaving Squidward standing there, mouth agape.

"Wait, huh?"

"Now it's just you and me, ugly squid thing," he said, brandishing my sword.

"Wait! Hang on! You've got it all wr—"

"STEAL!"

…Nothing.

"Phew! I thought you were serious for a second!" Squidward sighed in relief.

"What? Did it fail?" Aqua asked.

"No equipment. Great. Guess I'll have to do this the old-fashioned way. FLASH!"

A bright light erupted, instantly frying Squidward's retinas.

"AAAAAGHHH! MY EYES!"

He simply strolled forward and bonked him on the head with the hilt of his sword, knocking him out cold.

"And there. Happy now?" He said, dusting his hands off.

"Wow! GREAT ACTING, GUYS!" SpongeBob cheered from the sidelines.

"Yeah! What he said!" Patrick added.

Megumin pouted. "I could've exploded them faster, you know."

"Yeah, yeah."

"But Kazuma! What about the other two?" Aqua pointed.

"Yeah! What about us, Patrick?"

"Can you do the flash thing again?"

He frowned. "Why the hell are they so happy about this?"

"Just stay still." He extended my hand. "BIND!"

Ropes instantly wrapped around SpongeBob and Patrick, tying them up.

I turned to walk away. "Not carrying them, by the way."

Aqua and Megumin both booed.

"Where's Darkness when you need her?"

FLASHBACK OVER

"EHH? DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT?"

It seemed Aqua had begun screaming jargon again. Nothing out of the ordinary.

"See what, Aqua?" Megumin asked.

"I heard like... a voice! And then it said 'Flashback' in some sort of foreign accent!"

"Aqua. Are you going insane?"

"No! I'm serious! It even replayed the events of today! I saw their homeland and everything!"

"You did? How'd it look? Did I do a good job at cleaning?" Spongebob asked.

I took Megumin aside and began to whisper into her ear as loudly as I could.

"Yeah. She's definitely crazy."

"WHAT!!!!!?!?!??!?!?!?

KONOSUBA!

Chapter Text

A few days had passed since Spongebob and his crew arrived at our mansion. And luckily, they haven’t really been much of a nuisance. They’ve been pretty nice to have around.

SpongeBob, in particular, was great to have around. He cleaned for free, cooked for free and even helped me out with Megumin and her explosions on a particularly busy day for me. 

EXPLOSIVE PLAYTIME.

The wind whispered across the vast, open field as SpongeBob and Megumin stood side by side, gazing toward the distant horizon. Looming in the distance was a decrepit castle, twisted and jagged against the soft hills. Its towers leaned like weary sentinels, wrapped in layers of grime and gloom. Meaning of course, that it was prime for explosions!

“Behold!” Megumin announced dramatically, pointing her arm toward the decaying castle. “This is my testing ground, for explosions!”

“WOOOHOOO!” Spongebob applauded.

A wide, wholesome grin bloomed across her face, followed by a laugh so theatrical it could only belong to someone fully immersed in her own chunibyo fantasy. 

“I’m glad you understand the arts of arcane my Spongy friend.”

With a theatrical skill, she spun her staff with great skill and pointed it straight at the Castle in a battle ready stance. 

“Tell me. Are you ready?”

SpongeBob leapt into the air and somehow stayed there, suspended by sheer excitement. “Am I EVER?!”

Megumin’s expression turned serious, as though reciting scripture. Spongebob let out a gasp as the sudden breeze swept over the two of them.

And so, the mage spoke.

“A Castle of Black. Forboding and cruel. Its body a void, its edges of ink. Be consumed in the potency of my power! EXPLOSION!”

A magic circle burst into existence in the sky above the castle. Within moments, a beam of light erupted from the heavens and struck the castle with world-ending force. The earth shook, fire and light swallowed the structure whole, and the castle was reduced to nothingness.

Megumin cackled with delight, basking in the aftermath. Then, suddenly overcome by fatigue, she collapsed into the soft, swaying grass. The sky was clear, the wind still nice. But her partner was nowhere to be seen.

“Eh?” she murmured, blinking. “SpongeBob...? Where have you...?”

Panic crept into her voice. “SpongeBob? Oh no. The shockwave! I didn’t factor in sponge durability!”

Worst of all, she couldn’t force herself to move. It was like she was bolted to the ground, with no way to move. Her eyes darted around, searching frantically, only to notice a strange pile of yellow dust beside her. The ashes shook... and then began to shift.

Before her eyes, the pile reassembled itself! Arms, legs, big goofy eyes, until SpongeBob stood once again, fully formed, with his iconic laugh.

“Ta-daaa! Sorry! That explosion literally blew me to pieces!” he chuckled, brushing off imaginary soot, as he continued to laugh.

Megumin’s mouth hung open as thousand of thoughts flew through her mind. Magic formulas, regeneration spells, biological theories. All of it led to one singular, undeniable thought.

“THAT WAS SO. COOL!!!” she squealed, stars twinkling in her eyes.

As Spongebob scooped her unto his back, she continued to babble “Spongebob. How is it that your regeneration is so strong? Are you a demon? A lich?”

“Hmm… I’m a Sea Sponge. Is that good enough?”

“This Sea Sponge race. It must be filled with such resilient warriors!”

“Gee. I’d hope so!” 

“This is amazing! Amazing! Wait till Kazuma hears about this!”

With the castle now a smoking crater behind them, the two turned and began strolling back across the field, as their chatter grew softer with each step. The sun beamed gently overhead, and the breeze carried their joy across the grass like a song on the wind.

Chapter Text

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

As for Aqua and Patrick…

“He hasn’t moved for 3 hours”, she monologued to herself.

No. It’s been 4 hours actually.

It was due to this that when the Star did speak, it shocked the soul out of her.

“Have you got any food?”

“GAH!!”

He blinked, looking almost disappointed. “Well?”

“What do you mean well? What are you even doing?”

“Preserving energy till the next meal.”

She sighed, shrugging gracefully. “I guess it can’t be helped.”

She skipped over to the refrigerator and retrieved an Apple, placing it in front of the barely alive specimen. Yet, his stare didn’t break. He looked right above everything, boring a hole through the wall behind instead.

“This is incredibly stupid”
Then, she blinked.
When her eyes opened again, the apple was gone. Only seeds remained.
“EHHH?”

“Have you got anything else?”

“What did you just do?”

“Eat.”

More time for him to blink, as Aqua’s face twisted from stunned confusion into simmering rage.

“Listen here, you disgusting ABOMINATION. I don’t know WHO you think you’re taunting here, but it’s sure as hell not me! You got that?”

“Sure.”

“Fantastic! Now, Kazuma has entrusted my glorious self to clean the Kitchen today, since the damned Sponge has done so every second since he got here. Today, you’re gonna help me!”

“Ok.”

These curt responses were killing her. Still, she returned moments later with a mop and a bucket, practically slamming them into his hands.

“You may begin!”

Naturally, he was terrible at it. Somehow, he’d managed to insert the mop handle into the water and was trying to clean with the sponge end held high.

For some reason, Aqua didn’t seem to mind. “Great. I’ll help!”

She pulled out a feather duster… and began scraping the walls with the handle instead.

It took a few seconds of stupid synergy before she paused... and looked at the handle in horror.

“WAAAAH! YOUR STUPIDITY IS RUBBING OFF ON ME! I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU WERE A DEMON!”

“I am?”

“gOD PUNCH!”

He flew straight through the wall, leaving behind a perfectly star-shaped hole. Her fist steamed like a kettle. She stepped through the rubble, hands on hips, admiring her divine power and craftsmanship.

Patrick blinked back at her through the hole, a neat fist imprint denting his forehead. His expression was blank as ever.

“Whoa! I must be a pretty powerful demon! Do they do magic?”

“Not after I’m done with you.”

She stormed toward him, preparing another divine strike, when,

WHACK.

Kazuma appeared from behind, smacking the back of her head with a broom handle.

“ARE YOU INSANE????!!??”

“WAAAAH! THAT HURT!”

“THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME THIS WEEK YOU’VE SENT THESE THINGS THROUGH THE WALLS. THIS ONE IS COMING FROM YOUR ALLOWANCE!”

“EHHH???? NO! YOU CAN’T!”

Aqua bolted after him, howling and flailing off-screen.

Back inside, Patrick slowly stood up, completely unfazed.

“Ok! Let me try this! Alakazam!”

He held his hands in the air like a wizard… and nothing happened.

Not even a spark.

“Hmm. This demon thing is harder than I thought.”