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There really wasn't so much to tell/She was 29 and showing signs of doing well for herself
Spencer could barely see through the tears in his eyes that blurred his vision as he sat in his apartment's living room couch, hands trembling as he read the letter.
Spence,
I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to say this, how to make it make sense. I’ve been staring at this paper for what feels like hours, trying to figure out the right words. But I can’t. There are no right words for this.
I think, deep down, I knew this was coming. I knew one day I’d hit a point where I couldn’t keep pretending. But I never thought it would hurt this much.
I’m tired, Spence. I’m so, so tired. Every day feels like a weight I can’t carry anymore. Every case, every victim, every face—it’s all starting to bleed together. And the screams, Spence... I can’t get them out of my head. It’s like they’re inside me, scratching, clawing to get out, and I can’t stop it.
I thought I could bury it, the way I’ve buried everything else. I thought I could compartmentalize it, keep it at arm’s length. But this case… this one took something from me I don’t know how to get back.
And I hate myself for it. I hate that I’m weak enough to let this break me. I hate that I can’t just shake it off the way I always do. I hate that I’m telling you this instead of showing up like nothing’s wrong.
But I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep smiling and pretending I’m okay when I’m so far from it. I can’t keep being the person everyone needs me to be, because it’s not real anymore.
And you… you, Spence, you’re the one I’m going to hurt the most. You’re the one who’s always been there for me, no questions asked. And I can’t bear to see the hurt in your eyes when you realize what I’ve done. But I can’t stay. I can’t keep dragging you down with me, because I feel like I’m disappearing. And I’m afraid that if I stay, I’ll just fade away entirely.
I know you’ll try to fix it. I know you’ll blame yourself. But this isn’t your fault, and you can’t fix me. You never could, and I’m so sorry for that. You deserve someone who can be whole, Spence. Not someone who’s just falling apart at the seams.
I thought about telling you in person, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in your eyes, or the confusion, or the sadness. It’s easier to leave this way—quietly, without making you look at me and realize how far gone I really am.
You’ve always been the best part of me, Spence. You’ve always known me better than anyone else, and I’ve always been able to count on you to catch me when I fall. But I can’t keep asking you to do that. I can’t keep letting you carry my weight.
I hope one day you’ll understand. Or at least, I hope you’ll forgive me. But I’m not expecting that. Not really.
Please take care of yourself. Please don’t bury yourself in this job like I did. Don’t let it swallow you whole the way it swallowed me. Never let that light go out. And please, don’t ever doubt that I loved you. I loved you more than I ever said. More than I ever could.
All my love,
JJ
Emily has read reread the letter a thousand times, but her brain refused to process it. JJ was gone. She left. Her eyes scanned the letter again.
Em,
I don’t know if you’ll ever truly understand this, and I’m not sure I even understand it myself. But I need to write this to you—maybe because I don’t know how else to say it. Maybe because, somehow, this will make it real.
I’m sorry, Em. I’m so sorry. I don’t even know where to start, because I’m failing you, and I don’t know how to make up for it.
I always thought I could keep going, keep pretending I was fine, that I could hold it together. But after the last case, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep pretending I’m okay when I’m so broken inside. Every time I think I’m getting better, it just keeps coming back, this feeling like I’m drowning in everything we’ve seen, everything we’ve lost.
I thought if I just kept pushing, kept working, I could outrun it. But I can’t outrun this.
And the worst part is that I can’t ask you for help, either. I don’t want to drag you down into this, Em. I don’t want to put you in a position where you have to carry my weight too. You’ve always been my strength, my rock. But I can’t lean on you anymore.
I know you’ll be angry. I know you’ll wonder why I didn’t come to you first. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t show you how much I’m falling apart. I couldn’t bear to see the pity in your eyes, or worse, the disappointment. You’ve always believed in me, in all of us, and I don’t want to be the one to let you down.
It’s not that I don’t want to stay. It’s not that I don’t want to fight. But I can’t, Em. I’m not strong enough anymore. I’ve spent so long pretending that I was, and now there’s nothing left.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you thought I was, the person I thought I was. I don’t even know who that is anymore. I’ve lost so much of myself, and I don’t think I can ever get it back.
You’ve been more than just a partner to me. You’ve been my sister in every way that matters, and leaving you feels like I’m tearing myself apart. But I have to, Em. I need to find a way to breathe again, and I can’t do it here.
I’m asking you to forgive me, even though I don’t deserve it. Please don’t hate me for this.
You know I’ll always love you. Always. And I hope, one day, you’ll understand why I had to do this.
As always,
JJ