Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TT: Are you busy.
EB: rose! man it's been like, a hot minute since i got to chat with you, heh.
EB: how've you been?
TT: ...
TT: Not great.
EB: oh?
EB: well, that isn't good.
EB: but i'm your oldest friend, so you know you can tell me anything, right?
TT: Right.
TT: And I'm safe to assume that this is a judgement-free zone.
EB: um, duh!
EB: we're friends, and friends don't judge each other! come, sit and tell ol' june what the problem is!
EB: ergh, i thought that'd be funny, but that feels like something dave would say.
TT: There is definitely a reason I came to you over Dave.
TT: Don't take me the wrong way, I do love Dave with all my heart, and I'm glad to have my friendship and ecto-siblinghood with him.
TT: But I need a kind of delicacy at this moment.
TT: One that Dave cannot quite provide.
EB: i get it. and you know that i'm not like, super good at being delicate or whatever, but for you, i'll try anything.
EB: so what the problem?
TT: June, do you recall the exact moment you realized you wanted to be a woman?
EB: hm?
TT: Humour me.
TT: Pinpoint that exact moment when you realized manhood wasn't for you, and you found yourself happier as the opposite sex.
EB: err...well...here's the funny thing!
EB: there wasn't exactly an eureka!
EB: it was kinda like a slow build up, i dunno how to really put it in words over text, bluh!
EB: i guess the easiest way for me to explain is that it kinda started in my gut, then slowly it spread throughout my body.
EB: it was really nice, a warm fuzzy feeling, almost like the windy thing too!
EB: and then after a while, i realized that i didn't wanna be without it!
EB: i was feeling warm, fuzzy, and free-y all the time, and i didn't want that to go away!
TT: Right...
TT: Fuck.
EB: rose?
TT: I'm not trying to discredit your experience and transformation at all. I'm happy for you, I truly am.
TT: I remember when you all came out to us and explained everything, it was truly euphoric for me as well.
TT: You're my best friend, June, and obviously I want you to be happy!
EB: awwwww, thanks rose!
TT: But.
TT: And wow, typing that singular word into my Pesterchum client, I really feel like a selfish asshole.
EB: i don't think you're a selfish asshole.
TT: Thank you, June.
TT: I don't want to think of myself as one either, but I still *feel* like one, because I want to be there for my friend and share in her happiness, but I just don't understand why anyone would willingly *want* to become a woman.
EB: what do you mean?
TT: Being a woman, especially on our old Earth, was full of hardship and obstacles.
TT: Men always seemed to have it easier, were always given the benefit of the doubt, and so I found myself envious of them.
TT: I hate myself for that too, because it blinded me to the fact that men could face similar struggles that were not exclusive to a certain gender.
TT: For my being, existence as a woman is just plagued with too much despair and negativity that I do not want in the slightest. For a myriad of reasons it feels almost desirable to simply swap sexes, if it were even that possible, and live my life as a man instead.
TT: I was the spitting image of my mother, and it hurt me to my core, because she was the one individual I never wanted to turn into.
TT: Isn't it amazing, how you can truly hate and love someone simultaneously. How I can despise her overindulgence and reliance on alcohol, but also miss her presence in my life.
EB: i don't think that's really a bad thing?
EB: there was plenty of stuff that annoyed me about my dad, but i still loved him anyways.
EB: but lemme get this straight, you hated the idea of becoming your mom?
TT: Yes and no.
TT: That's not really the core issue, I fear. It's something more existential, and could potentially rearrange my entire shape of being, which is I why I feel so terrified about it.
TT: Triggered by, of all things, Roxy calling me the greatest ectodaughter in the history of paradox space.
EB: oh.
EB: aw, rose. i'm so sorry.
TT: Don't be. If anyone is at fault here, it's definitely me. All she wanted was to give me a genuine compliment, and I ruined the moment by melting down.
TT: I can't explain why it bothered me so much, because I do adore Roxy and I'm glad to have her as a crucial part of my life.
TT: But the idea of being a *daughter* to her makes me shudder even as I type it out. It just feels so godawfully wrong, and I don't even know why. It bothers me to not have an explanation for thy the word in reference to myself sets me on edge.
TT: Add in my envy of the other sex, and sometimes I find myself wishing I was a man instead because being a female is just too painful to bear sometimes.
TT: But not every woman feels that, is what I have come to realize.
EB: yeah, i think you're right about that last part. i mean, i know at the very least that jade likes being a woman, and kanaya likes doing super girly things too.
TT: I feel like such an idiot, avoiding everyone over one single compliment that wasn't meant to do any harm at all.
TT: I wish to stop feeling this way and being able to move past the incident, but I just can't.
TT: It haunts my every move, practically tormenting me with these nasty thoughts of being a failure as a girl because girls are supposed to enjoy womanhood and not grow so envious of boys to the point of wanting to *be* them.
EB: hmmm...
EB: what if you gave the "man" thing a try?
TT: I beg your pardon.
EB: just do what i did, but in reverse! instead of going from guy to girl, you go from girl to guy!
EB: and then the gender balance evens itself out again, even though it wasn't really a big deal, but it kinda felt nice, heh.
TT: ...
EB: rose, it won't be that big of a deal!
EB: when i said i wanted to be called june instead of john, it was so fucking easy! like bam, the switch was suddenly made overnight and i felt awesome!
EB: so if you wanted to change your name, nobody's gonna stop you.
TT: Okay. I'll do it.
TT: June, can you try calling me a "he?"
EB: hell yeah i can!
EB: this is my best friend in the whole wide world, rose lalonde. he types in this really fancy purple, and he likes to knit. he is super cool and supportive, and he really needs to stop typing all these really sad thoughts about himself because they're not true. rose is awesome!
EB: how's that?
TT: You sound like Jade.
EB: god damn, there's just no winning with you sometimes.
EB: alright, i take back every nice thing i said about rose. he isn't awesome anymore! as a matter of fact, he absolutely sucks! he's a sturdy rock of hoofbeast shit dipped in purrbeast puke, as karkat would put say.
TT: Well, that's one way to go about things.
EB: but do you like what i'm doing? that's the important part.
TT: It does feel nice.
TT: I'm experiencing that sensation you were talking about earlier. That notion of being warm and free.
TT: There is a voice in my head that's finally gotten the strength to speak up and drown that negative self-talk out. And he says that this is all right. That he suddenly has strength and courage.
EB: then maybe we're on the right track!
EB: i can't really give you *all* the answers though, maybe this is one of those things and where the only person who knows the answer is *you.*
TT: Isn't that taxing. But I suppose I've dabbled enough in the art of the philosophical and symbolic that I might be able to scout those response on my own.
TT: But...thank you, June. I feel so much better now.
EB: anything for my best friend!
EB: do you still want me to call you rose? i know i changed my name because john didn't feel right anymore, are you gonna do the same too?
TT: I'm not quite sure yet, but if I do make a decision, I will let you know.
EB: sounds great! i gotta go meet up with jane for dinner now, but i'm happy i could help you out!
TT: I'd best be on my merry way too. We will talk more soon. I promise.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

Chapter Text

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: sooooooo
TT: Sooooooo?
TT: I feel like I'm missing some crucial context here.
TG: a lil birdie told me that u were in the market for a new name!
TT: That bird ought to mind his own business, even if he happens to be undeniably correct.
TG: gaso
TG: i mean *gasp*
TG: so hyped i missed the p there
TT: Excuse my lack of enthusiasm, but I fail to see what's so monumental about this tidbit of news.
TT: It was a foregone conclusion, that I'd eventually shed the name of my old self after I already shed so much of her. There wasn't much else left to do in the act of forging a new identity.
TG: but a new name is a rly big deal!
TG: which means we gotta take this veeeeery seriously
TT: I am as stone faced and deadpan as I can possibly be.
TG: now heres where i think u and i got different approaches to this
TG: honey buns i am tryna 2 be a supportive mom here
TG: like this is what every1 is gonna call 4 the rest of your lyfe!!!!!
TG: so u *gotta* make sure u pick something GOOD and COOL and AWESOME
TT: Are you here to supervise the duration? Because I hate to inform you, I already have a list of names to choose from and will not be taking anymore suggestions.
TT: I am currently in the process of carefully scrutinizing my choices, crossing out the ones that I no longer feel a strong connection too, and repeating over and over until I have reached the perfect name.
TT: A tedious strategy, perhaps, but a reliable one that definitely will yield me the results I want.
TG: i see i see
TG: and how that going so far
TT: You picked a conveniently perfect time to start pestering, I have narrowed it down to my last three choices and am currently deliberating between all of them.
TG: !!!!
TG: tell me tell me tell me
TT: Well, ectomother dearest, since you asked so kindly, I suppose I'll indulge you.
TT: Our first contender is the name Jett.
TT: The pros: it's simple and snappy. The cons: literally 50% of godly humans use a "J" name and I'd hate to tread on their brand.
TG: noooooo u cant join the j club
TG: u rly gonna leave me n the striders alone in the not j club like that
TT: Wouldn't ever dream of it.
TT: But a vote of confidence in favour of picking something else is just what the doctor ordered. Off the list Jett goes.
TG: good riddance lmao
TG: u can do WAY better than stupid ass jett
TG: sounds like a white boy from old earths cali who drinks 2 much shitty beers and likes to fuck in tents at abandoned campsites
TT: An amusing aesthetic, but not quite one that would fit my personal tastes. I'd rather die a Just death than ever sleep in a tent.
TT: Option number two is a bit of an unconventional one: Song.
TG: song lalonde
TG: ok we may be cooking somethin here
TT: I think so too. There's a pleasant and melodic quality about this particular one that drew me to it.
TT: But I'm conflicted.
TG: oh nos!
TG: we cant have that
TG: we gotta get THE perfect name 4 u
TT: I'm also feeling quite drawn towards Onyx as well.
TG: onyx?
TG: oh em gees
TG: i luv it!!!!!!!!!!!!
TT: I'm considering it to be the frontrunner as well.
TT: It has a special kind of allure.
TG: not rosey posey it suits u soooooo well
TG: i mean onyx
TT: Hearing you call me that only solidifies the choice.
TT: It just sounds right to me.
TT: I think I like it.
TG: so thats what ur going with
TT: I believe so.
TT: It's a bit of a shame though, because I had a connection to Song too.
TG: well y not make it ur middle name
TT: I haven't even considered that was a possibility.
TT: Well, obviously I know that middle names exist. But they seem to be quite rare on this society and as far as I'm aware, nobody in my circle has one themselves.
TG: nows ur chance 2 be a trendsetter!
TG: or should i say a transetter
TG: le wonk
TT: Alright, that one was pretty clever.
TT: You have me convinced.
TG: fk ya!
TT: Watch out world, Onyx Song Lalonde is going places.
TG: woohoo!
TG: throwing confetti blowing noise making thingies n BALLOONS!
TG: onyx ur ectomommy is fucking proud of u
TG: i just wanna jump thru the screen n hug u
TT: I'll head over to your place if you never call yourself my ectomommy again.
TG: ughhhh FINE
TG: how else am i gonna display my love 4 u
TT: A hug *would* be nice right about now.
TT: Ugh, I feel the urge to bawl like an infant and I can't even explain why. This isn't even that groundbreaking of an event.
TG: its still special tho
TG: and its okay 2 b happy that u got a new name now :D
TG: id cry 2 heh
TT: Guh.
TG: awwww my lil onyx
TG: dont worry roxy is on her way
TT: Alright, alright.
TT: I'm not worried, I promise.
TT: I welcome your visit with open arms.

tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

Chapter Text

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

TG: hey so i think im a girl

turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GG: Hold your horses there, Strider!
GG: Now, let me preface by saying that I love you with all my heart. And that isn't going to change.
GG: But you just can't drop a bombshell like that on your beau and not let him get a chance to at least offer up a congratulations or two!
TG: youre right im sorry
TG: kinda a dick move
TG: did you still wanna talk to me?
GG: Darling, of course I do!
GG: I can call you that, right?
TG: um obviously
TG: as your dad might say you can call me anything except late for dinner
TG: hyuk hyuk hyuk
TG: but yeah this bad bitch is ready to handle all the darlings and darlin's and babes and honey buns and whatever overly saccharine words you got floating around in your noggin
TG: ugh saccharine makes me sound like rose
TG: i mean onyx
TG: fuck
TG: dont tell him i messed up
GG: Your secret is safe with me, love.
TG: thanks babycheeks
GG: Dave.
GG: Assuming you still want to be called that.
TG: actually i think id prefer alta
GG: Well in that case!
GG: Alta.
GG: What have I said about calling me "babycheeks."
TG: i need to come up with better material
TG: and that babycheeks is supposedly "juvenile"
GG: That's right!
TG: do i get a gold star sticker for the correct answer?
GG: Well, I'd have to check if I have any gold star stickers floating around. If I do, then yes, you may have one.
GG: But I think we're getting a tad off-topic here.
TG: now i think were perfectly on topic
TG: whats more important than gold star stickers?
GG: Alta.
TG: i kid i kid
TG: but yeah so i did some thinking and took a look inside of myself
TG: a real good look
TG: and i discovered that being a boy ain't all its cracked up to be
GG: So you're a girl now?
TG: i was getting to that part
TG: seriously i was amping up to it
TG: had a whole rap and everything
TG: most people just say it but alta strider isn't here to play by the rules
GG: If you're nervous, you can always tell me
TG: nah im not nervous
TG: what makes you think im nervous
TG: im over the moon on this
TG: hey diddle fucking diddle something something about a fiddle look at me fly
TG: wanna be the spoon to my dish
GG: Tempting, very tempting.
GG: How any nursery rhymes does your rap include?
TG: for you id squeeze in as many as you want
GG: That sounds lovely.
GG: But as much as I'd love to hear you rap about animated silverware all day, I still want to make sure I understand.
GG: because I love you, and I want to support you one hundred percent.
GG: So that's why I want you to feel that you can tell me if you're nervous.
TG: okay so here's the funny thing
TG: the girl stuff?
TG: not at all nervous
TG: if anything im a little peeved june and onyx beat me to the races
TG: now its cliche to be trans or whatever
TG: oh big whoop here comes alta
GG: I don't think it's a race!
GG: If anything, now you know that our friends will be happy for you.
TG: yeah exactly
TG: its like almost standard at this point
TG: weve completely perfected the art of coming out and having our family and friends cry over how happy they are for us
TG: like a transgender factory line or something
TG: now to capitalize off the profit
GG: I don't understand.
GG: Are you hoping for a more dramatic reaction?
TG: maybe?
GG: Aw, Alta.
TG: okay so heres the kicker
TG: the part that puts this whole kibosh up in flames and makes everyone do a record scratch thing because it just comes completely out of the loop that they have a windows bluescreen moment
TG: you know how june uses she and onyx uses he?
TG: what if i wanna use both?
GG: What do you mean?
TG: ugh it sounds so simple in my head but then i try typing it out and everything i say looks like a pile of dog shit that got stepped in
TG: buncha doggie doo doo
GG: My dear, I would never think you're doggie doo doo!
TG: my confidence has been restored
TG: thanks jane
GG: Mind if I just summarize what you said real quickly?
TG: go nuts hun
GG: You wanna be called both "he" and "she," is what I'm getting from this topic.
TG: thats
TG: yeah
TG: pretty much
TG: wow you hit the nail right on the head
GG: :B
GG: I am the expert sleuth, after all!
TG: damn right you are janey pie
GG: Janey pie.
GG: I like that one!
TG: my lil janey pie
TG: sweet yet tart yet flaky
TG: actually scratch that last one what kinda compliment is flaky
TG: fuck ill figure this out later
GG: Hey, it's not that bad of a pet name!
GG: In fact, I give it an 8 out of 10.
TG: you know what ill take it
TG: now where was i
TG: janey pie the expert sleuth oh yes there we go
TG: as much as i kinda wanted to be justified in freaking out over the he and she thing it kinda feels nice knowing that you arent going gaga over it
TG: like youre super calm
GG: Well...
GG: Perhaps I have a little announcement of my own to make.
TG: ohhhhhhh shit
TG: and the crowd waits with bated breath
TG: eager to hang onto ms crockers every word
GG: Hoo hoo hoo!
GG: Drumroll please!
TG: you cant see it but im actuallt drumming my hands on my desk here
TG: when im not typing obviously
TG: having four arms would honestly be kinda nice right now
GG: Thank you, Alta.
GG: I am here to announce: Jane Crocker also goes by "he" and "she!"
TG: wait what
TG: real shit
TG: let me check something real quick
GG: I had given you a little hint, hoo hoo hoo!
TG: fuck i cant believe i missed that
GG: To be fair, it was quite subtle.
GG: I hadn't expected you to catch on at all!
TG: was it just recent our
GG: Fairly recent, I would say!
GG: I had brought it up to Davepeta in passing, and they told me about different kinds of labels they had heard in passing at various queer groups on Earth C.
GG: One of them stuck out quite a bit, and let's just say, I got a touch attached!
GG: Mx. bigender Jane Crocker at your service, my dear!
TG: oh wow you can really just do that huh?
TG: gender is a fucking joke we can really just be whatever the hell we want
TG: we can wake up and be a girl or a guy or both or neither and just move on with our lives
TG: drink our coffee and work our dead end job and pay taxes and shit
TG: and im not doing this as an ironic bit or whatever
TG: like this is genuinely super awesome that we can just agree were not girls or guys anymore
TG: its cool id say
GG: It's quite freeing, I would agree!
GG: Feel better now, darling?
TG: honestly yeah
TG: a little heart to heart with the best girlfriend in the world neevr hurt nobody
TG: um unless you dont wanna be my girlfriend
GG: Of course I want to be your girlfriend!
GG: But only yours! :B
TG: oh cool so i can still call you that
GG: Yes, ma'am!
TG: ugh dont call me maam you make me sound like im old
TG: im in the prime of my life here come on
TG: im too young to wave my cane and scream for the youngins to get off my lawn
GG: You'd be the coolest old lady I'd ever known when we do get to that age.
GG: But for now, you're the coolest girlfriend I'll ever have.
TG: the only one
GG: And that's why you're the coolest!
TG: you know what ill take it

turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

Chapter Text

golgothasTerror [GT] opened memo on board ALTA YOU DISGUSTING MEWBEAST'S HAIRBALL STOP CHANGING THE STUPID MEMO NAME

TG: OMG JAKE!?
TG: EVERYONE WAKE THE FUCK UP ITS JAKE!!!!!!
GT: Hmm i believe to be missing some context here!
GT: Who is this prophesized alta and why is she getting karkats trousers in a twist?
TG: oh that would be me
TG: hey did nobody tell jake the news
TG: for real
TG: now im quite disappointed in yall
TG: leaving your best pal english hanging like that
GG: In my defense, love, Jake was nearly impossible to reach!
GG: On that note, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, MISTER!?
GT: Oh shucks janey!
GT: Didnt think you still cared about little old me.
GG: What!? Of course I do! You're one of my dearest friends, Jake! So when you disappear like that for weeks at a time, it worries me! It worries all of us!
EB: yeah, dude! come on, you didn't learn from *my* experience that radio silence freaks everybody out?
EB: they all start thinking you're dead, and then onyx and aradia bust out an ouija board!
EB: honestly, i'm surprised those are still a thing.
GT: Alright alright!
GT: I didnt think thered be such a tizzy!
TT: Well, there definitely was a tizzy over your disappearance.
TT: I think I speak for the masses when I say: don't you dare fucking do that to us again, Jake English.
TG: hear hear!
GG: I agree as well!
GT: Okay lesson learned.
GT: I pledge not to leave my chums hanging for several fortnights ever again.
GT: Now, what have i missed?
TG: eh not much
TG: onyx came out as a dude and i came out as a lady
TG: we literally did a swap and if that isnt the fucking funniest thing youve ever seen
GT: Well that does sound quite cheeky!
GT: Its been too many yonks hasnt it
TG: hey janey pie you hear that
TG: im cheeky
GG: Humph, you better best get those ideas out of your head, love!
GT: Believe me janey alta can be all yours!
TG: my pride is wounded and my ego is shattered
TT: I'd say you deserve it.
EB: hey onyx!
TT: Good morning.
TT: Why are you all blowing up my phone and interrupting my beauty rest.
EB: catching jake up on everything!
GT: Errr, if i may interject...
EB: go right ahead!
GT: Im not quite feeling the name jake anymore.
GT: Its rather lost it sparkle and shine if i do say so myself.
TG: i smell a new member of our ranks onyx
EB: you can't smell stuff like that, alta!
TG: well maybe im built different
EB: that's stupid!
TG: youre stupid june
GG: Can it, love. Jake was speaking!
GG: Er... not-Jake?
GT: Not-jake is a hoot can i name myself that?
GG: Um...
GT: I jest i jest!
TG: aw i thought it was funny
GT: Thank you roxy.
TG: any time fam!
GT: But um ive been ruminating on the moniker lara for a while and i think it appeals to me in a way jake no longer does!
GT: And i will admit that was why i was skiving off for a bit! I would argue it was a bit of a soul-searching adventures although i didnt obtain much from it.
GT: Just a newly refreshed zest for life and a new name!
GT: Although i did accidentally get in a bit of a kerfuffle with some bobbies in the northeastern quadrant of the human kingdom.
GT: Whoopsy daisy!
GG: Lara!
GT: It wasnt my intent, im telling you a clean squeak!
GT: If youre going to blame anyone you best be blaming that bloke arquius for being the instigator!
TT: Ugh.
TT: Lara, I told you, that guy is nothing but trouble. Why you insist on hanging around him so much...
GT: Hes a hoot and he makes me laugh!
TT: There is literally nothing funny about him.
TT: And I would say that you could do much better but if that's your taste in men, I have my doubts.
GG: Dirk!
TT: What?
GT: Humph!
GT: Jealousy doesnt suit you strider!
GT: Its quite desperate if you ask me.
TG: woah woah woah woah woah there
TG: lara i just want you to know that june and i are always happy to have another lady join our currently unnamed ranks
EB: what ranks?
TG: as i was saying
TG: but lets keep the brazenly pitch undertones out of the public eye if you dont mind
TG: thats my ectofather and technically-my-bro youre flirting with there
TT: We were not pitch flirting.
TT: You've been talking to Karkat too much, haven't you?
TG: no
TG: kinda offended you think that i actually entertain his stupid tirades on the importance of quadrants and shit
EB: sorry dirk and lara, but it was kinda obvious, heh!
TG: oh yeah u 2 totes have it bad for each other still lmao
TG: in a super duper blacky wacky way
TG: becuz black means pitch rite
TG: am i doin this rite
TT: Yes, Roxy. That is correct.
TG: hells yeah
TT: Oh, come on!
GT: As much as it pains me i will have to agree with my totally platonic partner dirk here!
GT: Im quite cheesed off that any of you would get such bloody ideas in your noggin.
GG: I will admit my own struggles to completely wrap my head around the concept of troll quadrants, but even I could say that those were some significantly pitch undertones floating about in this memo.
EB: see?
GT: Well i never!
TG: awww lara it aint a big deal lmao
TG: were all just teasing u
GT: Humph.
GG: Okay everyone, time to lay off the pressure.
TT: Does this mean you will all go back to sleep, then?
TT: It's not even four in the morning.
TT: Some of us actually have to be productive in a few hours.
GT: Well im feeling quite exhausted and ready for a kip myself!
GT: So i will call in the reigns
EB: bye, lara!
TG: wait one sec

turntechGodhead [TG] changed memo name to big titty committee

EB: alta!
TG: lmao
GG: Sigh.
GG: Finished up there, love?
TT: Normally you can come up with better material than that.
TG: hey its late and im tired
TG: you do it then if you think youre so much more funnier than me
TT: Fair enough.
TG: alright goodnight ladies and gents
GT: Goodnight alta!
GT: Have some chummy dreams!
TG: will do boss
TG: see ya

golgothasTerror [GT] closed memo.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board big titty committee

CG: STRIDER!

Chapter Text

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: i think your girlfriend is upset with me
TT: What did you do this time?
TG: why do you assume it was something i did
TG: i just existed
TG: and then she keeps blowing up my phone going Alta Darling I Understand Taste Is A Subjective Topic But It Wouldnt Kill You Or Anybody Else For That Matter If You Started Wearing Socks That Didnt Have Giant Holes In Them
TG: i mean it was nice of her to drop off her old stuff she didnt want anymore and give me recs and shit
TG: but there is such a thing as overdoing it
TG: im now up to my imaginary tits in blouses
TG: speaking of which
TG: tits
TG: why are they so awesome
TT: Who can truly say? It'll just have to be one of life's greatest mysteries.
TT: Perhaps if you are so enthralled with them, you could have mine?
TG: what just slice em off you and stitch em on me
TT: Precisely.
TG: are you gonna miss them
TT: I already have a pair to play with at home.
TT: Hint, hint.
TG: i getcha i getcha
TT: Now, did you come here and pester me just to complain about Kanaya and share in the wondrous existence of breasts together? Because I am not opposed to that in the slightest.
TG: why did you have a vision or something
TT: Would it hurt your feelings if I say that you're not quite worth the use of my abilities?
TT: Admittedly, you can text me on a complete whim, Alta. No rhyme or reason to any of the subjects that happen to be at your mind's forefront during those particular instances.
TT: The spontaneity is part of the fun, if I'm to be honest. Never a purpose in spoiling a good surprise. It's like a silly little guessing game.
TG: honestly it was just to complain about kanaya
TG: unless you can come up with a word in between complain and talk about where youre mentioning somebody and youre not quite mad at them but you also kinda need a fucking break you catch my drift
TT: Alright, I will pass the message on.
TT: I will inform Kanaya that you appreciate her efforts and support, but you have enough clothes as is, so you don't need her fretting over you.
TG: thank you so much
TG: the sky has cleared and so has my skin
TG: the air is purified and the world is healing
TT: Oh, relax.
TG: no can do brother-re-doo
TG: you try telling off a lady with a chainsaw and well see how well that goes for you
TT: You mean my girlfriend? I have reasons to safely assume I'd never be the victim of her strife specibus.
TG: your odds may be low but never zero
TT: Maybe I find that part of the charm.
TG: woahhhhhhh there onyx
TG: some things are meant to stay in the bedroom
TT: You started it.
TT: And as much as I enjoy are little chats about the finer things in life like a beautiful chainsaw-wielding vampire woman, I had plans for a rendezvous tonight that I eventually will need to start prepping for.
TG: oh shit he broke out the french
TG: now we know for a fact its fucking serious
TG: we got all bases loaded here and were looking for that ultimate home run
TT: Neither Tavros or I know enough about the connotations between baseball and seduction to consider the validity of that metaphor so I will take you at face value
TT: Shit.
TG: tavros??????
TG: you mean that troll slash cat sprite guy
TG: not davepeta btw
TG: fuck how many troll cat sprites do we have
TG: fucking whats his name uhhhhh
TT: Okay, I know you're just joshing with me at this point.
TT: I have invited Tavros over enough times for you to be properly acquainted with his presence and most importantly, his name.
TG: okay so gcatavrosprite
TT: Well, technically. But he prefers to go by Tavros.
TT: You understand the hypocrisy of throwing a fit at that fact.
TG: im not throwing a fit or whatever im just curious
TG: look i get that polyamory is basically encouraged by the sheer existence of the quadrants or whatever
TG: you get like three or four partners to help you make the baby making goop
TG: but like you and him
TG: name one thing you have in common
TT: You're just salty you didn't clock this sooner, did you?
TG: ok maybe a little
TG: now that you mention it all the hints are slapping me in the face
TG: like come on alta
TG: the proof is in the pudding and the pudding is spilt all over the fucking floor in big ass letters that say tavros is banging your ectobro
TT: Okay, we are certainly not behaving so crass. The relationship is too new and recent for that statement of yours to hold significant water.
TT: And to be fair, we didn't want to make such a big deal out of things right away.
TT: I think Tavros was just lonely and wanted to feel included somehow. He seemed to already have a platonic fondness for Kanaya, so her inviting him over for coffee and a pleasant conversation seemed like an absolute no brainer.
TG: and then you started chatting with him
TT: And then I started chatting with him.
TT: There isn't many more juicy details to add, I'm afraid. It was fairly mundane and vanilla as far as budding romantic relationships go.
TG: lame
TT: What's so lame about it?
TT: It's a polyamorous human-troll relationship in the red quadrant and you have the *audacity* to call it lame?
TT: For shame, Alta. For shame.
TG: i was kinda hoping thered be something more entertaining or whatever
TG: cause like no offense to tavbro but he seems like a pretty boring guy
TG: you on the other hand
TG: you are a capital f freak
TG: i mean that with love obviously
TT: I wear that status with pride.
TG: so i went in this convo expecting him to be a secret freakier freak
TT: I will neither confirm or deny that statement to avoid embarrassing my partner who isn't available at the moment.
TG: got it winky face thumbs up emoji
TT: Thank you.
TT: May I be excused to prepare for my night out now?
TG: sure whatever
TG: go have some fun
TT: I will.

tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

Chapter Text

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] opened memo on board unsolicited duck pics

TG: wat!!!!! ur postin duck pics without me!!!!!!
TG: so rude omfg i wanna see a duck
TG: wait where r the dick pics i dont see any
TG: *duck
TG: goddammit
TG: IDC ABOUT DA DICKS RN!!!!!
EB: even mine? :(
TG: yes bby even urs
TG: wait why am i here again
TG: oh yeahs
TG: EVERY1 I HAVE AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT TO SHARE SO GET UR ASSES ONLINE
GG: yes roxy?
GT: Roxy my dear dont leave us hanging!
TT: Oh my God, it is five in the fucking morning. I am not doing this again.
TG: its not our fault all the good shit happens at five in the morning
TT: Some of us work at 9, Alta.
TG: skill issue
TG: imagine getting up and on that grind
TG: not me
TT: At least I have a steady paycheck and don't have to mooch off my partners.
TG: its not mooching its called being a trophy wife
EB: you keep telling yourself that, alta.
TG: wtf june youre supposed to be on my side here
GA: Well I Was Already Awake Regardless
CG: I WAS GONNA GET A FEW MORE HOURS OF SHUT EYE, BUT YOU DUMBASS BUTT NUGGETS DECIDED THAT WASN'T GONNA FUCKING HAPPEN.
TG: hey can you all stfu so i can explain my super important and awesome announcement already
GG: On behalf of my girlfriend, I apologize for the interruption. Now, Roxy, what is the scoop?
TG: theres gonna be a pride parade in the troll kingdom next weekend
TG: we should totes go
TT: A pride parade?
GG: ooooh yes davepeta was always mentioning something about this! :D
GG: theyre on the planning committee for the 15th annual troll kingdom pride celebration and theyve been telling me all the fun stuff that'll happen!
GG: theres the parade like roxy said but theres also markets rides and shows!
GG: we should go!
GA: Jade If You Dont Mind My Interjection What Exactly Is A Pride Parade
CG: IS THIS ANOTHER STUPID FUCKING USELESS EARTH CUSTOM THAT EVERYONE DECIDED TO RESURRECT HERE OR SOMETHING.
CG: BECAUSE BILLIOUS SLICK FORBID WE EVER BRING ANYTHING FROM TROLL CULTURE INTO A WORLD 1/4TH POPULATED BY MY LITERAL SPECIES.
GG: Not to play devil's advocate, Karkat, but is there really anything you actually want to incorporate from Alternian culture into Earth C societal habits?
TG: quadrants dont count
CG: OF COURSE THEY FUCKING DO, YOU NOOK SNIFFING LARDBITCH!
GG: Hey!
TG: what come on karkat ya gurl aint exactly bashing the quadrant system here
TG: you guys cooked with quadrants and we all know that
TG: SHUT THE FUCK UP SO I CAN EXPLAIN THE PRIDE THINGY ALREADY!
GG: yeah come on guys! :(
GG: from what davepeta has told me you will all really like it!
CG: FINE. BUT AFTER THIS, I'M GOING TO BED AND I WILL LITERALLY RIP IN HALF THE NEXT PERSON WHO DISRUPTS ME.
UU: oh dear, i hope i will be exempt from yoUr powerfUl wrath when i come to bring yoU a spot of breakfast! u_u
CG: OKAY, ONLY CALLIE IS EXEMPT. THE REST OF YOU CAN DIE.
EB: karkat, you're so fucking red for them, heh.
CG: LICK MY BULGE, EGBERT.
TG: SHUT THE FUCK UP KARKAT OR MY BOOT WILL GET SHOVED SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOULL BE EATING LEATHER!!!!!
TG: LEMME EXPLAIN THIS!!!!!
TT: Sorry, Rox.
GT: Yes we shall all pipe down now!
TG: GOOD
TG: as i was saying
TG: so pride is this event where ppl who arent straight or whatever come 2gether and celebrate being super cool and awesome
TG: and i mean look at how many of us arent straight lmao
TG: or what they call cis
TG: idk what that means but anyway
TG: so like girls like alta june n lara
TG: boys like onyx n dirk
TG: peeps like me jade callie n jane
TG: stuff like that
GA: Is It Only For Humans
GG: no no no no of course not! :0
GG: roxy just gave that as an example since so many of us *are* humans
GG: but trolls and carpaces and consorts are always welcome too!
UU: ahem...
GG: and cherubs obviously
GG: davepeta said that this is about diversity and positivity and celebrating who you are which everyone should be allowed to do!!!!!
GG: and even if you fear you dont fit under the label you can always come to support your friends and family too
GA: Well That Sounds Rather Exquisite
GA: Alright Jade Youve Convinced Me I Think Id Love To Give It A Try
GA: Onyx My Beloved I Think This Could Be A Wonderful Threesome Between You Me And Tavros
GA: Oh Dear He Appears To Have Fallen Back Asleep
TT: Did you just say threesome?
GA: Yes Is That Not What That Is
GA: Alta Told Me The Term And I Think It Is Rather An Appropriate Description Of Our Situation And Relationship Status
TG: lmao
TT: Do you always listen to Alta?
GA: Why What Is Wrong With It
TG: nothing absolutely nothing kanaya my lovely future sister in law
TG: theyre just being stupid
TT: I'm too tired for this, I'm going to drop the matter for now.
TT: But I wouldn't mind at least checking out the celebrations, even if I don't outright march in the parade. Would do me some good to get out of the house, I suppose.
GT: I can vouch for that!
TT: Lara...
GT: What? Am i wrong? You are such a shut in no matter how many times i try to convince you to go on a dalliance with me and its quite infuriating!
EB: guys, come on! don't do this again!
TT: Do *what*!?
EB: that thing where you start pitch flirting while insisting that it's *not* pitch flirting and then it's awkward for the rest of us.
GT: June my dearest ectodaughter that is a load of baloney if ive ever heard one!
TG: can we focus on whos gonna come 2 the parade and who hates joy and whimsy and would rather be a mopey dopey or whatevs
TG: obvs im gonna be there and june is gonna be my super awesome date
EB: hell yeah i am!
GG: ill be there too with davepeta! theyre running a booth and then marching in the parade so i get to join them
TT: I'll watch from the sidelines.
TG: boo u whore
GG: I will admit parades have always quite intimidated me, but I'm sure there will be plenty of other things I can take enjoyment in! Alta, would you like to accompany me?
TG: well i cant leave you by yourself because then randos will come in and start hitting on the sexiest person in earth c
TG: and i gotta be like yo thats my partner youre trying to mack on
TG: back off homie
GG: Hoo hoo hoo! You always flatter me!
GT: Arquius and i will definitely be there in a jiffy the second we can possible get it!
GA: Onyx Is In The Shower Right Now But I Proposed The Question And He Said He Would Like To Attend
GA: I Will Troll Tavros Later To Confirm His Attendance Too
UU: i woUld absolUtely love to go! ^u^
UU: and it woUld be charming to have a date by my side...
CG: ARE YOU REALLY DOING THIS RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW?
UU: when else shall i do it? the topic is still perfectly fresh and relevant!
EB: come on karkat, don't be a weenie!
GG: yeah we'd love to have you there! :)
CG: ALRIGHT FINE.
CG: BUT YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO ENJOY IT.
CG: THE TROLL KINGDOM IS THE LITERAL FUCKING WORST WHEN IT COMES TO CROWDS AND BEING SQUISHED BY TOTAL PERVS ON THOSE STREETS MAKES ME WANT TO WAIL LIKE A BABY BAABEAST AND TEAR MY HORNS OUT TO BE STOMPED ON BY RANDOM WEIRDOS.
GG: don't be so dramatic! it won't be that awful!
TG: feels like youre making a big deal outta nothing dude
TG: just chill out eat a smoothie or something and enjoy the fun
TG: jade theres smoothies right
GG: i believe so!
TG: alright awesome
CG: SUFFERER ON A BITCHASS CRACKER I SAID I'M COMING ALREADY.
UU: that's the ticket! ^u^
CG: BLAR.
TG: in that case i better see u all there
TG: no flaking out

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] closed memo.