Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He kept his back pressed to the chain link fence, looking over the edge nervously to survey the height. It wasn't exactly the highest spot he could be, but it should be high enough. He lifted his eyes to the sunset, taking in its glory and beauty. He gripped the fence behind him while his free hand made a reach to a bird he spotted flying into the sunset. He wanted to fly away. He wanted to have no set spot in his life. He wanted freedom.

However his phone buzzed crudely in his pocket and he cringed at the feeling. He reached slowly into his pocket to see the shit eating grin of his older brother on his phone.

“Hello, my dear brother?” He played it off as if he was fine still.

“Karamaaatsu! Where's your wallet at? I need a few extra bucks to uh… Get a cool gift for all of us and I know you've got some spare cash!” His older brother hummed into the phone. What a blatant lie. Karamatsu knew Osomatsu lied like this when he was fresh out of cash to play with.

“It's… It's in my drawer,” he sighed after a moment. He wouldn't need the money, anyways. Not after today.

“Thank you! Say, where are you, anyways? I'm thinking of grabbing a few beers and I need someone sober to set the futon up for when I get home! You wanna do it?” Osomatsu chirped happily. Karamatsu could hear the sound of Osomatsu slamming his poor drawer shut.

“Uh… If I'm home before you are I’ll set it up,” Karamatsu sighed.

“He said he'll do it!” Osomatsu called to someone else. He wanted to fucking scream.

“O-Only if I'm home before you are! Osomatsu-niisan!” Karamatsu tried to make sure he actually heard what he said.

“Yeah, yeah. Thanks again, Karamatsu!” Osomatsu brushed him off only to speak away again, “Totty, are you ready ye--” the phone was hung up on Karamatsu without a single goodbye.

He wanted to fucking scream. He crammed his phone in his pocket again and looked up to see if the bird was stil in sight. When he came with nothing, he frowned and clutched onto the fence with both hands.

He was scared. He was so fucking scared, honestly. He kept his breathing under control and glanced to the river underneath him. If he didn't die from impact, he was fairly confident that he'd drown. He hoped so, at least.

He glanced back, no one was around. No one would even know till it was too late. He was confident in this. He looked down at his feet. He was dressed in the outfit he was sure signified “Karamatsu” so they'd at least recognize which brother he was.

He thought on the week leading up to this. He thought on how often he had to clean up after his drunk brother. He thought on how often he ironed his younger brother’s fan outfits. He thought on how often he gave his younger brother encouragement. He thought on how often he cleaned his younger brother’s uniform. He thought on how often he put up with his younger brother’s clothing critique.

What did he get in return? Stolen money, neglect, abuse, terrible pranks, and broken possessions. What the honest fuck? He tried to reason that they do all of this to each other but the reality was that no, no they didn't. He was the only one who put up with it.

He reasoned that maybe it was because his brothers also weren't the most sound of mind. Scared alcoholic, OCD, Depression with social anxiety, ADHD with fake smiles, fears of the boogieman as an adult. This was what he used to excuse at least some of the problems. But did it honestly excuse all of it?

No… Instead he felt less and less motivated to do anything. He was worn down and tired too much to put up an honest fight. At first he did try his hardest to step up. He was the second eldest. And yet… And yet here he was.

He swallowed hard and considered his options. Chibita still liked talking to him. But Chibita should never be burdened with his problems. No one should. He could never put this on someone else.

He swallowed hard and looked out again into the now night sky. The stars were slowly shining one by one. He wanted to be one of those stars. To shine so bright that everyone could see him. He wanted to be loved and cared for. He wanted people to want him. He wanted… He wanted to be accepted.

He wiped his face when he realized he was crying. His phone buzzed again and he slowly answered it reluctantly.

“Hello?” He kept his voice in check.

“Hey, Osomatsu and Todomatsu ran off to get drunk and play pachinko. Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu ran off somewhere, too. I need help real fast if you're close by. Damn sink is broken and you fixed it last time…” Choromatsu’s voice spoke with a stressed tone, “It's not… it's not turning off right! Can you come home real fast?”

“What is it doing? I'm up at the bridge outside of town…” Karamatsu held back a sigh, “I won't be home for a while.”

“The bridge all they over there? What are you even doing there this late?” Choromatsu sounded even more stressed and Karamatsu had to hold back the urge to give in and go home.

“I… I was enjoying the vast beauty of the sunset. It's a nice view here,” he wasn't completely lying.

“Just come home, please. I don't think the neighborhoods over there are safe and I don't really want to cover a hospital bill for you getting beat up and Osomatsu getting alcohol poisoning. It's one or the other and frankly I’d rather see neither,” Choromatsu spoke with a huff in his tone.

“No, not yet,” he didn't stop himself in time. He hated his normal voice especially when it came out sharp and cold like that.

“Huh? Is everything ok there?” Choromatsu gave a worried tone. Why was he so concerned now? This was really making it hard for Karamatsu to pick a moment to end the call and finish up here.

“I--! Yes, everything is fine, my brother,” he tried to cover for himself quickly.

“No, come on, head home. It's really bothering me and I don't want to have to get my shoes on to go get you to drag you home,” Choromatsu huffed over the phone again, sounding as if he was pacing while he spoke. Shit, he really felt bad for having to just listen while his brother was getting more and more worried. This wasn't good. He had to go home and check on Choromatsu. He had to be the big brother and help him. He had to--

“Then don't. I'll… I just want to see the moon and stars. It's a nice view here and it's quiet,” Karamatsu spoke with a half assed lie.

“You can see the moon from home. Don't make me call Jyushimatsu to hound you down. Come on, it's dark out and you're by a shit neighborhood. Just come home, ok?” Choromatsu sounded like he was grabbing something. His coat? No. Not good.

“Choromatsu, it's fine! Look, I'm … I'm heading home right now,” he lied through his teeth. He heard Choromatsu hesitate and a pause of a shuffle.

“Fine. If you see our useless oldest brother and youngest brother, make sure they get home safe…” Choromatsu mumbled.

“I will if I see them…” he sighed, hating having to lie like this. He was an honest man, not a liar like this.

“Good… Can you uh… Stay on the line then so you can help me with this sink in the meantime?” He heard more shuffling continue and let out a shaky sigh. No, he wanted to hang up and step forward.

“Yeah… Tell me what you see…” Karamatsu spoke with an exhausted tone.

“It's dripping when I turn it off and doesn't stop dripping,” Choromatsu spoke. He heard a door open and close and assumed he was in the bathroom again.

“Ok, you're going to need the wrench under the sink. It should be adjusted right so you can just twist the ring under the faucet to tighten it…” Karamatsu instructed, thinking of the way the bathroom looked when he left. It hit him he'll never go home again. He was going to miss it.

There was a long pause before he heard Choromatsu speak again, “Ok, yeah I see the wrench. Is that all it takes to fix the sink?”

“Yeah, it shouldn't be too hard…” Karamatsu hoped this would let him off the hook finally.

“Thank you… Hey, you said you're at the bridge right? How long till you'll be home? I'm just curious…” Choromatsu spoke. That's not right, he should've heard at least the sound of the sink when he twists it if he has the phone set loud enough for him to hear him get his coat on.

“Uh… About 15 minutes? 20? I'm not sure how long. After all, the night sky is beautiful tonight and I do love counting each shining star to not neglect a single one,” he hummed, hoping it was a good enough excuse to “take his time”.

“Ok, ok… Hey did you change the laundry loads this morning?” What was with this change of subjects? Choromatsu should've tested if the sink was working right. With his OCD, he would've checked it a few times, right?

“Yeah, I did, Choromatsu…” He mumbled, honestly not missing doing laundry anymore. He hated doing everyone’s laundry.

“Good! Good… What time was it when you did that?” Choromatsu spoke. Did he hear a car drive by? He looked around to see no cars anywhere near himself and felt something click in his brain. No… Choromatsu…

“Around noon. My phone is dying. I'm hanging up,” Karamatsu spoke quickly. He heard a nervous noise come from Choromatsu and felt guilty.

“W-Wait! Th-The … How far out are you from home? Are you by the bar yet? The park?” Choromatsu spoke quickly.

“Bye, Choromatsu…” Karamatsu mumbled, hanging up the phone before tossing it into the river. He won't need it anymore, anyways.

If he guessed right, Choromatsu may be running now. He had 15 minutes. God damn, he wasn't ready yet. He couldn't be. He was scared still. He shouldn't have hung up. He should've enjoyed speaking to his brother one last time. He should've! He should've…

He swallowed hard and looked out at the river. He was terrified. He swallowed thickly and felt too many memories flash through his brain;

The day he met Chibita, the day he and his brothers started playing soccer together, his first day of high school, camping with his brothers, skipping rocks with Ichimatsu, pulling pranks with Osomatsu, playing games in class with Jyushimatsu, studying with Choromatsu, fishing with Todomatsu, having his first kiss behind the school with some third year, being on stage in drama club, graduating high school, singing and playing guitar on the roof with Jyushimatsu, helping Choromatsu iron his fan outfits, supporting Totoko, keeping Chibita company, bonding with his friends and family…

And in that same instant, all the shit memories came up that brought him here and now;

Getting teased for being a crybaby, having no self identity for a while thanks to being mixed with his brothers so often as a child, the fears of a robber in his home, being bullied for his identity of a ‘cool guy’, being hated for telling his parents about Ichimatsu’s attempt, having his stuff constantly broken or torn up, always ignored and forgotten, left for dead more than once, near death more than once, and taken advantage of consistently…

He didn't want to die. No one wants to die. But he felt this would be easier than facing tomorrow. He looked up at the night sky, wishing with all his might to be a star. Tears pooled down his face as he wished so desperately to live in paradise with loving brothers.

He heard a distant few voices shout, “Nii-san” as he reached for a star. A particular star. It shined so brightly compared to the others. He wanted to be that star. He wanted to be loved and admired. He took a step forward and felt his stomach tightened as he felt no bridge under it. He tilted forward as his vision went from the star to the river. But he wasn't falling?

He looked back to see Jyushimatsu gripping the back of his jacket tightly through a hole in the fence. No. Choromatsu must've called him. This wasn’t fair! He was so close! He was ready! He was going to step forward! He WAS stepping forward! What gives?

The longer he stared at Jyushimatsu, the more he noticed the tears on Jyushimatsu’s face. Why was he crying? He chose this. He chose this because of all of them. He looked past Jyushimatsu to see Ichimatsu staring with wide eyes. Why? He chose this because he was abused by all of them. What gives?

This moment was short lived, however, as he felt Jyushimatsu’s grip slip. Time moved in slow motion, he realized, as his vision went from staring at them over his shoulder to staring at the night sky. Was he falling now?

He stared at all the smaller and dimmer stars in the night sky. He felt like he was one of those stars. He wanted to reach for one of them and show them they mattered to. He wanted to hold them all in his arms. However time had a different plan and sped to catch up for lost time. He fell fast into the river and watched the stars get farther and farther away from him. And then, it was like all the stars turned off and covered his world in darkness and cold.

He opened his eyes in his room. He looked around and saw he was in his pajamas and curled up in the large shared blanket. He slowly sat up and looked around to see he was next to his brothers. Was he sleeping before this? He tried to remember last night. He tried with all his might and came up with nothing. Maybe he got drunk? His head didn’t hurt, though…

He looked out the window to see it was raining and gave a small sigh. Damn, so much for going on the roof to play guitar. He crawled out of bed without waking anyone the best he could and made his way to the bathroom. He had to start the day. If he waited any longer, then he’ll never stand a chance against his five other brothers. He brushed his teeth quickly and washed his tooth brush out effectively before placing it in it’s rightful place next to Osomatsu’s before turning the sink off. However, he noticed once the sink was off, it started to drip. Damn, was it broken again?

He knelt down under the sink to open the cabinet. He searched for the wrench and moved quickly to tighten the faucet before his brothers could wake up. He twisted and twisted and yet the sink still was leaky. It dripped in a rhythm that bothered him. It sounded so loud and pestering the more he tried to fix it.

“Karamatsu-niisan, what are you doing?” He heard Todomatsu ask him. It sounded miles away yet when he looked back, his youngest brother was just a few feet back. Weird…

“I… the sink is leaking again and I don’t want this to upset Choromatsu when he wakes up,” he spoke without thinking. Wait, how did he know Choromatsu would be set off by this? Sure, he had OCD but it wasn’t always specific like a leaky faucet, was it?

“Well, I think it’s fine for now. Can I brush my teeth?” Todomatsu yawned, his voice fitting back into the frame  of distance again. He reluctantly sighed and nodded, putting the wrench back where it belonged before stepping out of the bathroom for his brother. He moved back into the bedroom to see the others waking up slowly one by one.

He went to his drawer to grab his clothes, noticing Osomatsu put his wallet was put back where it belonged. Wait, when did Osomatsu take his wallet? He shook it off and pulled his blue hoodie on before tugging his jeans on.

He glanced over his shoulder to do a quick head count, counting easily five brothers in the bedroom and Todomatsu in the bathroom made six. Wait, that’s not right? They’re sextuplets but he didn’t count himself yet, or did he? He felt confused but brushed it off to search for his sunglasses.

He looked back at his brothers and started to help Jyushimatsu roll the futon up with ease. He then moved to the kitchen next, deciding to start making breakfast for his dear brothers. However, he was conflicted on what to make yet. He could make eggs or maybe some pancakes. He stared into the fridge with a conflicted face, attempting to make a decision. He figured he’d have to look in the cookbook if he wanted to make pancakes since he didn’t have his phone anymore. Wait, why didn’t he have his phone anymore?

“Have you made your decision yet?” A voice spoke, sounding as though it was right behind his ears. He jumped and looked back to see a few feet away was one of his brothers, donning a black hoodie. He couldn’t see their eyes with the shadows of the room just perfectly hiding his face under the shadows of his bangs. Who was this? This wasn’t right.

“I… no? Which brother are you?” He spoke slowly, feeling cold again. Wait, again?

“Shimatsu,” was all the mysterious brother said before Osomatsu came strolling in with a tired yawn, taking Karamatsu’s attention away to look to his eldest brother.

“What are we having for breakfast?” Osomatsu spoke, walking clearly past Shimatsu to stand between the newest brother and Karamatsu. He looked past the eldest to see Shimatsu was gone and tried to keep his uneasy feeling down.

“Uh… Do you want pancakes or eggs?” Karamatsu forced a smile, “Hows your head doing?” Wait, why was he concerned about his head? Was Osomatsu drinking last night?

“It's your decision, not mine,” Osomatsu spoke coldly before pulling on a smile, “I’m so hungry though so decide quickly!”

Karamatsu felt his stomach growl and nodded, choosing to make eggs since it’d just be easier that way. He worked quickly, making sure the eggs were cooked to a perfection. Osomatsu wasn’t much help other than to just keep him company quietly. He felt safer this way, at least. Wait, why did he feel uneasy about being alone in the kitchen? Was there something he was supposed to be concerned about?

His thoughts were cut by the sound of the kitchen sink leaking in a rhythm that was so annoying. What was with these sinks? They could at least drip in a better tune.

He felt he couldn’t focus. His world around him crumbled just slightly and he felt at a loss till a hand grabbed his shoulder tightly. He looked back to see Ichimatsu staring him with wide eyes. Why did he feel so uneasy about those eyes?

“The eggs are burning…” his younger brother spoke bluntly and pointed back at the pan. He swallowed thickly and looked down to see in fact that the eggs were a little more brown than he’d prefer it. No matter, Jyushimatsu would eat it still. He turned the stove off and moved to grab seven plates lining them up on the counter. He stopped at the seventh plate and stared at it. Why did he have seven. He looked back to see all of his brothers in the kitchen waiting on him. He had to do a quick head count.

Osomatsu: 1

Karamatsu: 2

Choromatsu: 3

Ichimatsu: 4

Jyushimatsu: 5

Todomatsu: 6

Shimatsu: 7

Everyone was here but what gives? He swallowed thickly and put the plate with the others anyways. He quickly served the eggs and watched each brother take their plate. He looked at Shimatsu, attempting to see if he could see his face to know for sure. Wait, why was seeing his face so important? That’s when he saw it, a fast glimpse.

It was… his own face? That’s not right. Sure, they were sextuplets, but everyone still looked different to him. Osomatsu had a round face with a big smile. Choromatsu had thicker lips and usually had a concerned expression. Ichimatsu had a chubbier face with droopy eyes and bags for miles. Jyushimatsu had a thinner face with a grin that stretched from ear to ear. Todomatsu still had some baby fat on his cheeks with a small smile. Why did this brother look… exactly like him? What gives?

“Something wrong, Karamatsu-niisan?” Choromatsu spoke curiously, taking his attention away and to his brothers. He tried to come up with an answer but felt the sound of the leaky faucet was too distracting. What gives?

“I… Uh… Aren’t any of you also bothered?” He couldn’t stop himself from talking, “I… I don’t feel comfortable?”

“Why? What was so wrong?” He heard Todomatsu ask, yet his voice sounded like it was miles away.

He clutched his head and looked out the window, watching the rain come down hard. He felt cold and exhausted. He shook his head quickly and forced on a smile like he always did.

“Nothing! I’m just tired, I guess!” What was the matter? Why was he so upset? He looked across all their faces again, noticing they were all looking to him with concerned looks of their own. Why were all eyes on him? He looked away from them and hoped his shades hid his concern. Why did he not want them to know so suddenly?

“Well, Karamatsu! Lets eat! I’m starving!” Osomatsu finally cut the silence that was settling in the room and moved to the table to eat. One by one all his brothers all left him and Shimatsu alone in the kitchen.

“You have to decide. Do you want to leave here? Or stay here?” Shimatsu spoke, giving a chill up Karamatsu’s spine.

Chapter Text

It felt like it took years for Choromatsu to finally run to the bridge. He suspected something was wrong with Karamatsu since last week. He had been fearful but thought he didn’t have the guts to do anything dangerous. He saw Jyushimatsu and Ichimatsu on the bridge, clutching the fence together as they were screaming at the river. What was going on? Where’s Karamatsu?

“Jyushimatsu! Ichimatsu! Where’s Karamatsu? He told me he was here!” Choromatsu panted as his eyes frantically looked around.

“He-He--! I--I tried! I--” Jyushimatsu spoke with a panicked voice, trying to tug his arm out of one of the holes of the fence. Choromatsu’s eyes followed Jyushimatsu’s arm to the river and he felt his stomach drop. He quickly grabbed his phone from his pocket, dialing the emergency number as it was the only thing he could think of.

Once Jyushimatsu was freed from the fence, the yellow blur ran down the bridge to the end before going down the hill to the river bed so far bellow. Ichimatsu was quick to follow, shouting for Jyushimatsu to slow down.

The next two hours were a blur to Choromatsu. He briefly saw Jyushimatsu swim back and forth in the river till he finally came out with Karamatsu. He briefly saw an ambulance pull up to put Karamatsu in the ambulance. He briefly recalled deciding to get in the ambulence with him as the eldest. He briefly recalled telling Jyushimatsu and Ichimatsu to hunt down Osomatsu and Todomatsu. He briefly recalled listening to Karamatsu’s almost nonexistent heart beat on a monitor. He briefly recalled watching his brother be pulled out of the ambulance and down to the emergency room.

It was like time was going too fast for him till it finally halted to a stop when he was forced to sit and wait. Wait and just hope that somehow Karamatsu survived that fall. Wait and just hope his brothers were safe at home or on their way. He had to kill time, he couldn’t force himself to sit and wait.

He thought back on earlier when he first saw the leaky faucet and called Karamatsu. He sounded so distant already. To hear that he was at the bridge sent red flags up in Choromatsu’s mind as he thought on where that bridge was. He hated having to listen to Karamatsu lie for the first time to him. He remembered having to force up conversation topics just to keep Karamatsu on the phone while he ran. He just had a terrible feeling. As soon as Karamatsu hung up, he had called Ichimatsu to tell him to look for Karamatsu at the bridge. He figured Jyushimatsu could sniff him out faster than Choromatsu could. How dare his high school self fail at gym class… He felt like he wasn’t there fast enough.

It was nearly midnight when a doctor finally came out to talk to him. Karamatsu was in a shocked coma. He’ll live, but just barely. He has a broken arm and a broken leg and a huge bruise on his head. One of his ribs were fractured.

Choromatsu stayed the entire night worrying. He called home around 7am when he couldn’t take this reality anymore. How could things get so out of hand?

“What? Who’s calling this early?” Osomatsu’s voice grumbled angrily through the phone.

“It’s me, Choromatsu,” he spoke warily as he fidgeted with his cuff button. He looked to the vending machine in front of him and started counting how many slots of food there were.

“Oh… what’s going on? I… I wanted to come up there but I was seriously drunk… I still kinda am but I couldn’t sleep…” Osomatsu spoke slowly, quieter now.

“He’s alive, for starters,” Choromatsu mumbled, hating that he lost count, “He’s pretty broken up and they… they said he’s in a shock coma… They said something about this afternoon we’ll be able to sit in with him till he wakes up after they make sure all his vitals stay stable.”

“Holy shit… Ok, just… don’t tell the others yet. I’ll tell them. I’m coming up in about an hour. Get some food and quit mumbling numbers through the phone. Whatever you’re counting, you gotta stop and relax or else you’ll stress yourself out. I’ll be here with your medicine, ok? Don’t stress, your big brother is coming to take care of you.”

Was he mumbling? Shit, he was. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes, redirecting his mind to think of the lyrics of one of Nyaa-chan’s songs. He hummed her latest song as he walked down to the cafeteria. They were starting to put out breakfast foods as he came in. He decided a small muffin would be safe for now as he sat down at one of the tables. He tried to collect his thoughts but caught himself instead counting how many tables were set up. There six in his line of sight. Six… what a scary thought that it could be five in a single night.

Just as Osomatsu promised, he was there in an hour with his medicine in a small paper bag. He took his anxiety medicine with some water and explained to Osomatsu what kind of injuries Karamatsu had.

“Damn… he must’ve hit some rocks when he landed,” Osomatsu mumbled, “Only explanation.”

“I tried so hard to keep him on the phone…” Choromatsu mumbled, looking down at his water bottle with tired eyes, “I couldn’t do it… he caught me and hung up. I lied and was trying to make him think I was just in the house asking about chores around the house… but he caught me…”

“Hey, come on, you’re better than I was. I was straight up stealing his money for pachinko and drinks with Totty. I… I remember him saying that if he got home before me, he’d put up the futon for us. If… what a shitty word,” Osomatsu sighed, resting his chin on his palm.

“How did this even happen… I… I saw him upset lately but I brushed it off…” Choromatsu felt his voice crack, “I… I let this happen.”

“Hey, quit that talk. We’re all to blame on this one. Once he wakes up, we’ll all apologize to him and make sure shit changes. He’s not the only one under the bus lately. We’re all a mess…” Osomatsu mumbled, “Even Totty is scared of the boogieman still… who let him see that the boogieman had a toothy smile and a shitty knife, anyways?”

“Osomatsu, that’s not helping… I… “ Choromatsu forced himself to breathe, “How are the others at home?”

“They didn’t sleep at all… Todomatsu was throwing up bad so Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu had to help clean up. I threw up a bit, too, but it was outside… Ichimatsu told us what happened and then I had to tell Mom and Dad. They… they were all scared, to say the least. They all wanted to come up here but we figured it’d be worst if… if you know,” Osomatsu explained, “So by the time you called, I told them he’s alive and that calmed them down. Around noon Todomatsu and Jyushimatsu plan to come, too… I don’t know when Ichimatsu will come... “ Osomatsu explained briefly, glancing around to avoid Choromatsu’s eyes.

“Are… are you ok?” Chorormatsu decided to ask. He could tell Osomatsu probably was still hungover and sick, probably needing a smoke sometime soon, as well.

“Who cares? I really only want to ask him that question,” Osomatsu mumbled, his tired eyes slowly rolling to look at Choromatsu finally.

It was a quiet morning after that. Eventually Osomatsu had to excuse himself to the bathroom before sitting outside the hospital to take a smoke. Todomatsu showed up around lunch time with a small snack for Choromatsu. Jyushimatsu and Ichimatsu came two hours after Todomatsu to wait nervously in the waiting room. It felt like years till a doctor came out to tell them that only two of them can be in his room at a time for now.

The first two were Osomatsu and Choromatsu as they were the eldest. It was awful to see Karamatsu. His skin was as white as the sheets he was laying in and his hair was a mess. He was wrapped in too many bandages for Choromatsu to swallow with acceptance. It wasn’t fair, honestly. Why did Karamatsu look so peaceful when he slept when the asshole was one the brink of death five hours ago?

Next Todomatsu traded off with Choromatsu. Osomatsu didn’t want to leave just yet but kept a smile on his face for his younger brothers. He couldn’t leave just yet. He couldn’t think of looking away only to find that the two seconds he looked away could be the end of Karamatsu.

“Karamatsu-niisan, what are you doing?” Todomatsu spoke after a solid twenty minutes of silence in the room, “You should be awake and with us… you said we could go fishing today. You… what are you doing?” Osomatsu sat in silence while Karamatsu’s heart monitor filled in the silence with a horrible rhythm.

Todomatsu soon traded out with Jyushimatsu. It took all Osomatsu had in his exhausted body to make sure Jyushimatsu didn’t just climb in bed with Karamatsu. It wasn’t fair that he had to do this. Especially when he saw Jyushimatsu cry about how he tried his hardest to hold onto him earlier. It’d make sense now that Jyushimatsu wanted nothing more than to just hold onto his brother.

“He needs to be safe!” Jyushimatsu insisted to Osomatsu.

Jyushimatsu soon had to leave to push Ichimatsu in. It was a tense and dreadful ten minutes. Nothing was said among Osomatsu and Ichimatsu. Soon, the fourth brother left Osomatsu alone in the room with Karamatsu.

He didn’t know what to do other than sit and hope. Hope that whatever bull shit Karamatsu was dreaming of wasn’t something that’d make Karamatsu stay this way forever.

Karamatsu stared Shimatsu for a long moment, feeling time pause for a split second. He didn’t say a word and forced himself to move towards the table to eat. Maybe Shimatsu was like Kamimatsu and would just be another head in the count. Nothing major and just meld in unless he caused problems. He wanted to ignore whatever fears Shimatsu gave him and just enjoy being around his brothers.

“Karamatsu-niisan, are you ok?” Jyushimatsu looked up at him.

“Did you finally decide to sit down with us?” Ichimatsu spoke up, looking to him with droopy eyes but a slight smile.

This felt… artificial. Karamatsu looked among his brothers and felt out of place. Like he didn’t belong. Did he ever fit in? Fuck if he knows.

“Oh, Ichimatsu, Choromatsu, did you both take your medicine?” Karamatsu tried to think of something to ground himself. He figured the morning routine was good enough.

“We don’t need medicine, nii-san. Those problems are gone,” Choromatsu spoke coldly before cracking a smile, “Isn’t that good?”

“I… what?” Karamatsu mumbled, staring at them in shock till Todomatsu grabbed his arm.

“Nii-san! You want to play cards today?” Todomatsu gave him a wide smile. What was with everyone actually calling him ‘nii-san’? That was usually only reserved for Osomatsu unless it was Jyushimatsu talking. But he did pull on a smile and nodded easily.

They ate together quickly but peacefully. It was … almost too peaceful. He was surprised. Sure, Osomatsu and Jyushimatsu were still messy eaters but he was surprised by the lack of legs kicking him under the table. Were they all actually sitting decently still? He was kind of taken back. Maybe things would be ok today.

“Would you be ok with this?” He heard Shimatsu behind him. He looked up at him and then at his brothers. Did no one see Shimatsu? He wanted to ask the others about him but felt that question stir in him oddly. Be ok with what? This peace? Of course he’d take peace over abuse any day. However… it was unsettling.

“I think if the rain clears up, it’d be nice to go out for a stroll. But uh… cards does sound like a good idea. What do you want to play, Totty?” He decided to say, looking down at his food. When he got no answer, he looked up at his brothers who were all giving him blank stares, “What’s the matter? Do I have something on my face?” Oh god, if he did they’d never tell him. He rubbed his hand on his cheek just in case, feeling suddenly self conscious.

“Niisan! You don’t need to go outside! We can just stay inside and play all day!” Jyushimatsu cheered. That really made Karamatsu feel uncomfortable. That was coming from the brother who literally could not let himself sit still inside for more than two hours on a sunny day.

“Well, I guess, but if the rain lets up, I want to go see if I can come up with a song down by the bridge,” he shrugged. Wait, the bridge? Why was that giving him a red flag?

“Hey, we mean it, you don’t need to go outside,” Osomatsu spoke coldly. Karamatsu stared at the eldest for a solid moment, unsure what to make of what was going on.

“Hey, Karamatsu-niisan! Can you help me sew on these new Nyaa-chan patches on my bag?” Choromatsu caught his attention.

“O-Oh? Yeah, sure, I’ll help you out!” Karamatsu nodded, finishing his food and slowly standing up. He took his plate to the kitchen and put it in the sink, figuring he could clean it up later. He stared at the sink, listening to the dripping slow down for a moment before it was back to its original pace. What a terrible tune.

“Hey, come on, we’re waiting on you,” Ichimatsu’s voice spoke behind him, sounding miles away. He turned slowly to see the fourth brother leaning against the doorframe. Did he look younger for a split second? It almost looked like Ichimatsu was back in high school, barely fitting in his hoodie as it swallowed him up, droopy eyes that barely held himself together, and heavy bags that were fresh and almost swollen from crying the night before. But that split second was gone quickly as Ichimatsu looked like how he did a few minutes ago.

“Sorry! I am just a little concerned about the sinks! They keep leaking! And as your dearest brother, I need to make sure this house is kept safe and tidy in it’s upmost performance quality!” Karamatsu pulled on a smile, speaking with his prouder voice with a hand on his chest to show his sincerity.

“Yeah… ok, then. Just come on, the sinks can wait. We want to play cards,” Ichimatsu looked at him with a neutral face. Seriously? No punches or kicks? No insults or abuse? Did he do something last night to make everyone actually give a damn? He tried hard to remember on what he’s missing on but moved with Ichimatsu to their bedroom.

He sat with his brothers and felt more at ease again. The card game went by smoothly and everyone was acting normal to an extent. Sure, there was a bit of banter and bickering but… their attentions were dominantly on him. It was weird and too different. Why? It also didn’t help that he could still hear the dripping sound of the sinks. What an awful tune. He couldn’t help but occasionally stare at Shimatsu who sat in a corner of the room, curled up and watching Karamatsu with curious eyes.

Then finally, Osomatsu spoke, “Have you decided to stay with us now? Isn’t this more fun than going outside?” Karamatsu looked up to the bedroom window, noticing that the rain was clearing just enough. It bothered Karamatsu, however, that Osomatsu would say this.

“I… what?” Karamatsu gave off a nervous smile, “Decide on staying or going? Why is this a thing to decide on? You guys can come, too, if you’re so concerned about outside! I’d love to take my darling brothers with me on a search for a good tune!”

“We can’t,” Todomatsu spoke coldly. Karamatsu stared in confusion, how could he not?

“Nii-san! Just stay here and play with us! It’s so much more fun!” Jyushimatsu spoke up. For a split second Jyushimatsu looked like how he did the first year he was coming off his ADHD medicine; tired and on edge, his hair a mess from too much energy, a crooked smile that forced itself on when he was nervous. But that split second left as soon as it came.

Was he… scared for his brothers again? Why? Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu’s worst years were back in high school. Why was he scared it’d happen again? He looked at the rest of his brothers. He saw for split seconds Osomatsu as a scared child, Todomatsu as a child looking blank with a neglected personality, Choromatsu as an adult chewing his nails while he counted the windows on the buildings. These split seconds scared Karamatsu. Was everyone going to go back to how they used to be because of him? What did he do that was so terrible?

“Do you honestly not know what you decided to do last night?” Shimatsu finally spoke, pausing time so Karamatsu could see the full effect of his brothers.

“What… what happened?” Karamatsu looked to Shimatsu nervously.

“You decided on the final option to gain peace. You didn’t want to wake up every morning to abuse so you chose peace instead,” Shimatsu explained vaguely, “Are you going back on that decision?”

“I… what happens if I decide to leave?” Karamatsu asked curiously.

“Then you can’t come back here for a long time. The next time you’re here, you’ll never have an option on what to do. It’ll be permanent. Or… you can make it permanent now. You can enjoy this peace with your brothers. You can enjoy the fun of living with your brothers in this eternal peace with no cares in the world. No responsibilities and no fears of abuse anymore. It’ll be the end of the game,” Shimatsu explained, “If you leave… then you go back to how things used to be.”

“How things… used to be? Eternal peace? I… am I dead?” Karamatsu spoke carefully, feeling cold again as the dripping slowed down in his ears.

“Not yet. You have to decide soon, though. It’s up to you and you alone. You chose this originally. Are you going back on your decision?” Shimatsu stared at him dead in the eyes.

“I… I can’t decide…” Karamatsu mumbled, feeling lucid for the first time in what felt like centuries.

“There is another option…” Shimatsu mumbled lowly, “You won’t like it, though.”

“Tell me it, anyways,” Karamatsu swallowed thickly.

“Let fate decide it for you,” Shimatsu pulled out a coin from their black hoodie, “Heads: you leave. Tails: you stay.”

Karamatsu thought long and hard. He could hear voices that sounded miles and miles away trying to make him decide.

“Karamatsu-niisan, what are you doing?”

“You should be awake and with us… you said we could go fishing today. You… what are you doing?”

“He needs to be safe!”

“Come on, wake up already.”

“If you wanted to leave us then just do it! Quit making us worry like this! We want you here but if you wanted to leave then god damn it make up your mind!”

“I should’ve held on tighter!”

“I should’ve talked to him longer…”

“Come on, Karamatsu… just decide already…”

He chewed on his lip and stared at his brothers again. They were all there back to how he last remembered them. Cheerfully playing cards together in a pause of reality. Was this reality?

“Flip the coin,” Karamatsu mumbled.

Chapter Text

“Choromatsu,” Osomatsu spoke with a frustrated tone, “Choromatsu! Quit it!”

“I’m sorry, I just… it’s … this is awful! I hate this, ok? It’s been a week and they said he’s not making progress! What are we supposed to do? Are we even going to be able to pay the hospital back? He’s in his twenties! He’s not under Mom and Dad’s insurance anymore! He should’ve gotten a job so he can have life insurance!” Choromatsu huffed, chewing on his fingernails.

“I’m going to get gloves if you keep doing that,” Osomatsu sighed, “So quit it. Ok?”

“How are you so calm? What the hell? You’re such a useless older brother!” Choromatsu sighed as he shoved his hands in his pockets roughly, continuing to pace till he passed Osomatsu. He was grabbed roughly by the eldest who glared at him for a split second.

“Quit it. Ok? Sit down and shut up, yeah? I’m just as nervous as you are. In fact I’m even more stressed. What do you think he’s going to say when he wakes up to find his suicide attempt failed? He’s never going to look at us the same way. And as the oldest, this falls on me. Mom and Dad are already looking at me differently because of this,” Osomatsu spoke dully, tugging Choromatsu down to sit in the chair next to him.

“This shouldn’t have happened… I should’ve said something sooner…” Choromatsu mumbled as he sat back, counting the tiles on the ceiling under his breath.

“Quit that, Choromatsu,” Osomatsu flicked him by the time he hit tile number 10.

They sat in silence together, glancing occasionally at the clock or at their phones just in case one of the brothers wanted to switch with Choromatsu. Osomatsu only left when visiting hours were closed. Nothing was going to convince him otherwise.

It was awful to see Osomatsu this way. It reminded Choromatsu of when they were younger. After the terrifying robber that was lodging with them was put in jail, Osomatsu started doing the head counts consistently. He’d get night terrors that’d wake all of his brothers and it was the only reason that they all slept in one futon and not six small ones. Osomatsu put himself in the middle to be sure he’d be able to count and check for his brothers. Choromatsu always knew that Osomatsu was scared of the robber returning to take one of his brothers for the same abuse he received. It was why Osomatsu herded his brothers so often when they walked together anywhere. In high school, Osomatsu always ensured they stuck together like glue and would do everything it took to keep the band of brothers together in a herd.

He vaguely remembered being in tenth grade when everything went to shit. Ichimatsu made an attempt, Karamatsu ratted him out to their parents, Jyushimatsu was coming off his ADHD medicine, Todomatsu was constantly going out at night alone, and Choromatsu was making friends at cons and prefered to be around them more often. Osomatsu? He was a shitty mess trying to reign his brothers back in. Osomatsu didn’t sleep till Todomatsu was home, he constantly made sure Ichimatsu was on his hip, he had to learn how to get physical in reigning in Jyushimatsu, he consistently made sure Choromatsu called when he arrived and left cons and concerts, and he tried his upmost hardest to make sure Karamatsu didn’t fall between the cracks of this shitfest. Of course, 11th grade was when the alcohol started and the sleepless nights got worst. Choromatsu was thankful that everyone burnt out their energy by the time they graduated.

“Karamatsu,” Shimatsu spoke carefully, holding the coin between his fingers, “Are you sure?”

“Not really but… I guess I’ve ran out of time to change my mind?” Karamatsu shrugged, looking down at his lap.

“Fair enough…” Shimatsu sighed, letting the coin rest on his thumb before flicking the index up. Karamatsu watched the coin flip into the air till it landed on the ground. He couldn’t see yet what side was up. He held his breath as Shimatsu stared at him.

“Heads. Come on, I’ll show you the way out,” Shimatsu stood slowly, moving to pull Karamatsu up. Was he disappointed? Were they both disappointed?

He stood at the front door of the fake home. He glanced over his shoulder to see the world crumble away slowly. How lucky… Maybe he should’ve been more decisive. He looked forward out the door to see he was at the bridge. Memories flashed through his mind quickly. The chainlink fence between his fingers, the bright stars he wanted to grab, Osomatsu’s shiteating grin on his phone, Choromatsu’s worried voice, Jyushimatsu grabbing his jacket, Ichimatsu’s wide eyes, the sensation of falling. The dripping noise changed into a beeping sound, making him cringe. What an ugly tune.

“This is the final decision. You’ve left your head space. This is a matter of your fate now. You are instructed to walk across the bridge to the other side. Once you do, you’ll wake up and see the world again. If you fall off the bridge or jump off the bridge, then you will be handed to someone else to be dealt with. Someone bigger than me,” Shimatsu instructed. The coin was shoved into Karamatsu’s hoodie pocket quickly. “For good luck,” Shimatsu explained briefly.

“I… I don’t want to do this anymore…” Karamatsu mumbled, looking at the bridge with hopeless eyes, “I can’t do this. Not again.”

“You have to. You can do it,” Shimatsu slowly put a hand on his shoulder. Karamatsu turned his head to look at his look-a-like. He felt his stomach tighten before he pulled Shimatsu tightly into his embrace. He cried into the black hoodie as he felt his emotions crash over him in a terrible wave. He was scared, desperate, and unsure if he wanted to live anymore. But if he didn’t wake up, what would happen to his brothers? Why did he make such a selfish choice? His brothers… they were his world. They abused him, sure, but they needed him.

“Karamatsu… you… you gotta do this. This is for you and you alone. Nothing else matters but you and your choices. You need to decide about yourself before you worry about others. No matter what you choose, they’ll react. So… just do what you need to do,” Shimatsu rubbed small circles into his back.

“I… What if they abuse me for this? For causing them trouble? I’ll be Shittydeadmatsu… They’ll torment me for making them deal with my body… they’ll … “ he choked on a sob, “But if I die… what if they fall because I died? What if Ichimatsu tries to do it again? What if Jyushimatsu can’t contain himself and hurts himself? What if Choromatsu has too many panic attacks? What if Totty distances himself again and falls between the cracks? Oh god… what about Osomatsu-niisan?”

“Karamatsu… you will only know when you get to a conclusion…” Shimatsu slowly pulled away from him, “You can do it. Decide.”

The last of the world crumbled till he was just alone at the bridge again. It felt like years till he took the first step forward. A memory of going camping flashed through his mind. He took another step forward. A memory of starting high school flashed through his mind. He kept walking forward till he made it halfway across. The memories till then were fine and fair. Yet, a glance over and he could see himself standing on the edge, gripping the chain-link fence and sobbing as he stared up at the stars.

He tried to take another step forward and heard the booming six voices shout against his skull, “Shittymatsu” over and over. He took another step forward, he could see himself tied to a stake in the middle of the ocean while he heard over the phone the cheering voices of his brothers. He took another step forward and he could see the disgusted glares his brothers gave him over the last ten years etched into his skull. He collapsed onto his knees and could feel the kicks and hits he has received over the years.

For a brief second, he looked at the edge of the bridge. He was only halfway to the end while the edge was just right there. He could just… He really could just…

“Niisan… we really need you to wake up today! We all really miss you! I can’t sing both parts of our song!” He heard Jyushimatsu’s voice speak miles away. He looked to the end of the bridge. He saw Jyushimatsu there with his guitar, holding it and ready to play with him.

“Niisan, this isn’t fair. What are you doing? We’re supposed to go fishing! I can’t fish by myself…” Todomatsu stood next to Jyushimatsu, holding up two fishing poles that were just calling his name.

“Karamatsu, I still have that dumb cat doll you made me…” Ichimatsu stood hunched over behind Jyushimatsu.

“Come on, we’re sextuplets. We need you!” Choromatsu spoke as he held up one of Karamatsu’s prized magazines between Todomatsu and Jyushimatsu.

“Hey, I need my little brother to wake up already,” Osomatsu stood in front of them all with a wide smile on his face.

He pushed himself up and tried to take another step forward. He was reminded of the time he burdened his whole family with Ichimatsu’s secret. He tried to take another step forward and he was reminded of how “painful” he was. He took another step forward and was reminded of how often he was ignored. He took a labored step forward and looked down at the bridge, only to see it stretched itself further.

No… No way. That’s cheating. He can’t do this. He looked at the edge again. He could still do it. They’ll still be fine without him. They’ve been doing that already when he was alive. He could easily just give up again. Just follow through on his plans. Just do it in a fast instant.

But… then what? He looked forward to his brothers. He felt too much guilt swell in his stomach. He heard a small clink and saw the coin fall from his pocket and onto the ground of the bridge. He picked it up and looked it over. Both sides were heads. Was it a trick?  

“G-...Guys!” He called out, “Brothers? I can’t do it!” He tried to reach for them, reach for his stars. Memories tugged at him hard and he heard a crack behind him. He looked back to see the bridge breaking down behind him. Was he really running out of time that fast? He forced himself up and with all his might, he  forced himself to run. He reached out, feeling scared as he made a reach for his stars, his brothers. Memories flooded him as he ran, making him trip and stumble along the way but he kept pushing forward as his bridge crumbled under him.

It was a small fast instant, he saw them reach for him. He jumped forward, stretching his arms forward as he hoped with all his might that he could grab his brother’s hands. He heard the beeping speed up for a split second before slowing down. Was he falling? No. Fuck that. He stretched his arm the farthest he could, thankful that it gripped something. He heard the beeping speed up again as he climbed along the ledge to pull himself up. He looked back at the destroyed bridge, feeling proud suddenly for being able to cross it.

His eyes slowly looked over to his brothers, watching as they all started to push him forward and tug him along with them. He didn’t notice they were lifting him till he was tossed upwards into reality. His eyes were shut closed and he felt warmer and warmer. He vaguely heard voices around himself and that ugly beeping continue to sound out in his ears.

“Jyushimatsu, I told you! You need to leave him alone so he can rest and wake up faster,” he heard Osomatsu’s voice sigh.

“But Nii-san! His heart robot! It’s going weird!” Jyushimatsu’s voice spoke quickly.

“That’s because he’s probably having another dream… they said it happens,” Osomatsu’s voice was clearer slowly and was laced with stress.

Karamatsu wasn’t in his futon. He wasn’t at the bottom of the river. He wasn’t alone. He felt sore and awful, honestly. His eyes felt too weak to open and yet he had to force them open. He had to see his success. He had to… do something? His brain felt foggy suddenly and he felt like he just got hit by a train.

He let out a pained groan and he heard Jyushimatsu and Osomatsu grow silent suddenly. He was able to slowly open his eyes to dim lights. What… what was going on? What was he doing? Where was he even at? This wasn’t home.

“N-Niisan! Niisan!” Jyushimatsu’s voice suddenly boomed as his younger brother moved over Karamatsu’s face. He was a little thankful for that since it blocked the lights for him. However that didn’t stop the pain.

“Holy shit…! u-Uh! Karamatsu! You’re awake!” Osomatsu was standing at the edge of the bed, looking at him with tired but surprised eyes. Was he in a hospital? What was he doing to get here?

“Niisan!” Jyushimatsu was cheering, relentlessly hugging Karamatsu tightly despite his pained groans.

“Jyushimatsu! Easy! You’re going to hurt him if you keep that up!” Osomatsu panicked and moved to pull Jyushimatsu off, “Go get the others, ok?” Like a bat out of hell, Jyushimatsu ran off, easily earning scolding shouts from nurses down the hall.

Meanwhile, Karamatsu laid in pain as he took in the shit his body felt. He looked down to see his arm was in a cast and he could easily feel the bandages on his chest. His vision was thrown a little off by a bandage that was on his head and he felt a heavy cast on his leg. He remembered in a flash of memories that he was standing at the bridge outside of town, staring at the stars. Did he really do it? And it failed?

“Hey, welcome back, Karamatsu,” Osomatsu spoke gently, carefully putting a hand on his shoulder, “We’ve been waiting for you…”

Chapter Text

It was a blur of a half hour after he woke up. His brothers swarmed him till a nurse told them to step back. A doctor checked his vitals and a nurse changed his bandages. It was awful and painful till the painkillers kicked in. Once they were gone, it was the most awkward minute of silence he had ever experience. No one knew what to say first. Jyushimatsu was bouncing in excitement, dying to crawl in bed with him, but even he didn't seem to know how to come up with a way to ask.

“Wh… What were you even thinking?!” Todomatsu cut the silence finally, getting to the question he could tell was all on their minds.

What was he thinking? He should've picked a higher building. He pictured the pachinko parlor down the road would be high enough.

“Uh… I… Do I have to answer that one?” Karamatsu couldn't find the bravery to honestly say that his brothers put him on the bridge.

“Karamatsu-niisan! We've all been worried sick about you this entire week! I--” Todomatsu huffed loudly till Osomatsu put a hand on his shoulder.

“Alright, alright, calm down,” Osomatsu sighed, making Karamatsu thankful he has some sort of defender, “He's probably still upset it didn't work out, ok?” Ok scratch that never mind.

“Guys, I appreciate your upmost concern and worry, but please, let's not talk about this,” Karamatsu held up his good hand, “Can I just ask how long I have to stay here?”

“Another few days to make sure you are safe after your coma…” Choromatsu answered slowly, chewing on his bottom lip.

“I see…” Was all Karamatsu had the nerve to say. He fucked up. He shouldn't have made his brothers scared like this. He shouldn't have made them sit through this. He shouldn't have acted so selfishly. He shouldn't have--

“Niisan! What was it like in your dream?” Jyushimatsu cut him from his thoughts.

“My dreams?” He tried to think back but came up with a blank, “I can't remember… Sorry, Jyushimatsu.”

“Aw! No fair! You looked like you were having a good time!” Jyushimatsu pouted, crossing his arms in a childish manner.

“Oh, ah, I guess?” Karamatsu tried to give a smile. He was at least thankful to be around all of his brothers.

“Hey. Your cast, can we sign it?” Ichimatsu spoke up, surprising Karamatsu completely. He stared at the fourth brother for a moment before giving a slow nod and lifted his broken arm only slightly.

“Yeah, uh, go for it. I'm surprised you didn't already when I was asleep,” Karamatsu nodded, attempting to sound like it wasn't a completely backwards thing to hear Ichimatsu want to bond.

“We figured you'd be mad enough about the shit that's yours that's already ruined so…” Ichimatsu mumbled, pulling a marker from his hoodie to hand to Jyushimatsu. The fifth brother was quick at work, scribbling in big letters his name.

“My stuff? Like what? What happened to my stuff while I was out?” Karamatsu gave a confused face. He wouldn't be surprised, honestly, after so much of his stuff was already broken.

“Uh… Well we can't find your phone. What did you do to it?” Choromatsu spoke up. He wanted to cringe as he does vaguely remember hanging up rudely to Choromatsu before tossing it into the river.

“Probably at the bottom of the river,” he answered honestly as Jyushimatsu traded off with Todomatsu.

“And I spent your money before we realized you were going to uh…” Osomatsu shrugged, “Didn't win any of it back.”

“Damn… “ Karamatsu sighed before panicking, “W-Wait! How much does this all cost? If I've been here over night and it's too expensive for one night then how am I going to pay for this?!”

“Ok, two things, Karamatsu. One, shut up. You're not going to pay for this so don't get all worked up at the idea of it. It'd be bullshit to make you pay. Two, it hasn't been one night. You've been out for a week already,” Ichimatsu spoke bluntly, looking away as he spoke.

“A week? That’s..! Oh my god, how was I out for so long?” Karamatsu mumbled, taking in the new information as Choromatsu traded off with Todomatsu.

“Well either way, you were. It's ok! We took care of you!” Osomatsu patted his shoulder gently, “When you get home, the nurse told us how to change your bandages and shit!”

“Oh, thank you?” He was too surprised by the idea of them actually wanting to help him out. He looked down to see Choromatsu trade off with Ichimatsu. His gut tightened instinctively to prepare for a cruel prank only to feel relief when he felt none right away.

“Niisan, promise you'll go fishing with me again once you get better? It's lonely at the fishing hole! I hate it!” Todomatsu pouted.

“Yeah, I will, don't worry!” Karamatsu offered a smile, feeling thankful that no one was asking the heavy guns yet. Ichimatsu traded off with Osomatsu and he couldn't help a quick glance down to see Ichimatsu doodled a cat. He really wanted to smile and gush over it but knew better.

“Oh, did the sink ever get fixed?” Karamatsu looked to Choromatsu, trying to wonder why it was so important to him other than helping Choromatsu’s OCD.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, Osomatsu fixed it the other day finally,” Choromatsu looked away, “Can I uh… Actually apologize for a moment?”

Karamatsu gave him a curious look as the room fell silent. Osomatsu had finished his signature and had handed back the pen to Ichimatsu.

“Uh… So, when we were on the phone, I had lied about dealing with the sink and had been forcing questions about chores… I just wanted to apologize for lying,” Choromatsu looked away from his gaze, “I just wanted you to stay on the phone while I went to find you.”

“Oh…” He could remember that. He remembered listening intently for Choromatsu to work on the sink till he heard a car pass by. That was when he tossed his phone in the river. Right… “I uh… It's ok, Choromatsu. You were just trying to help.”

“Still…” Choromatsu looked to him slowly.

The next half hour felt too long. Everyone sat in silence till a doctor walked by to remind them of the “two family members” rule. Osomatsu and Todomatsu chose to stay in the room. Osomatsu stayed by the window sill and Todomatsu sat next to Karamatsu, choosing to catch the older brother up on drama with celebrities and people online that he missed out on over the last week. It was Osomatsu who finally cut the ice officially.

“Hey, when you said you'd set the futon up “if” you got home before us… Did you say that because you already decided on what to do?” Osomatsu asked stiffly, not looking Karamatsu in the eyes.

“I… Yeah, I did,” Karamatsu answered honestly, “I didn't want to lie or disappoint you guys…”

“You know you can always turn us down if you don't want to do something, right? It's ok to say “no, asshole, I'm busy doing something. Your drunk ass will have to do it, yourself.” That's always ok, you know?” It sounded harsh but Karamatsu knew this was something that may have been on his mind all week.

“I wouldn't ever want to make you guys upset, though,” Karamatsu looked out the window, watching a bird fly by.

“Too late to say that, isn't it?” Osomatsu spoke coldly.

“Niisan! Leave him alone,” Todomatsu cut him quickly, shooting a stern look the eldest’s way.

“No, he's right, Totty,” Karamatsu sighed. He knew this wouldn't go by without backlash.

“Bull shit, “he's right”! We're the ones on the critism chopping block, not you. Not now,” Todomatsu huffed loudly.

“Ok but Totty think about it, he doesn't want to make us worried or disappointed yet he did this! He thinks we wouldn't be scared shitless if he died! Don't you think he needs to hear that we were worried?!” Osomatsu snapped at the youngest, “I mean, God damn it! What did we even do that makes him want to cater towards us so much? We’re awful, I agree with you there!”

“Osomatsu,” Karamatsu finally spoke up, “Let's… Let's not do this, ok?”

They both fell silent and Karamatsu hated this. He hated that he was still here. How did this even happen? He should've drowned. He should've died on impact. He didn't want to make his brothers upset but he made things worst.

“Karamatsu, come on, we have all been waiting all week for you to look a little alive so we can talk. Once we talk and get it out of the way, then it won't feel so forced to dick around. Right now it feels like we’re pretending you didn't just attempted suicide. We waited to talk for Ichimatsu and look what happened! Fuck this, let's do talk!” Osomatsu spoke bluntly, crossing his arms with a stern look that fit only those with the title, “Eldest Brother”. It made Karamatsu feel small despite being the second eldest. That just meant he was the first youngest.

“Osomatsu-niisan,” Todomatsu spoke quietly, a last ditch attempt to reign in the tense air.

“If you don't want to sit in on this then get Choromatsu. Yeah, ok?” Osomatsu insisted, looking to the door dismissively. Todomatsu was at a loss for words, looking between the two eldest sons with an unsure expression before standing and making a quick beeline to the door.

“You didn't need to be so mean to him…” Karamatsu mumbled.

“I'm just being honest. You need to be more concerned with yourself. I mean shit, you didn't even look at your cast yet to see what we wrote because you probably aren't concerned that your body is so fucked up right now for some reason!” Osomatsu huffed. He was right, he didn't feel a need to look down to see the damage done to himself. This whole time he's been so concerned on how his brothers were and attempting to make them smile with his own fake smile.

He slowly drifted his eyes down to the cast, taking in their rough, sloppy handwritings on the material of the cast.

“Get better soon!”
“MUSTLE MUSTLE!”
“You can't let this stop you”
“Remember to smile”
“YOU CAN DO IT”

Was he tearing up? Fuck, he needed to keep it together. He forced on a smile and wiped his face with his good hand. Why did he have to make his brothers so upset?

“Look, you're a good man, but shit you really need to do something healthy that's for yourself. What was it called…? Self care? You need self care. You're part of us sextuplets. We… “ Osomatsu was trying to find his words, it was rare that he had to actually be a big brother, “I need you to stay together. They do , too, but I especially want you in one piece.”

“Osomatsu-niisan…” He mumbled, looking up at the eldest, “I'm… I'm sorry… This was all… So selfish of me… I assumed...I assumed that…!”

“Wait, selfish? Karamatsu, you can't be serious, right?” Choromatsu spoke as he came in, “We’re the selfish ones, not you.”

“B-But! I know that if I didn't come back, you'd all… You'd all either be happy I'm gone or back to those terrible days…” Karamatsu mumbled, “I made a gamble and did what only I wanted to do…”

“Uh, because we pushed you to do that? Karamatsu, you gotta recognize that we were the cause of you doing this and that none of this was you being selfish…” Choromatsu spoke bluntly, sitting at the edge of the bed.

“Karamatsu, look, just do me a favor, yeah? Start going to therapy and start telling us when we’re being dicks,” Osomatsu sighed.

“Therapy…?” Karamatsu looked to the eldest, unsure what to make of the new information.

“No way in hell you’re going to just jump off a bridge and sit in a coma for a week and not go to therapy. Once you're out of here and can walk decently, I'm going to see that this shit doesn't happen again,” Osomatsu huffed, “That goes for everyone in this mess of a family. Choromatsu is already going for his OCD and Ichimatsu is supposed to be going for his depression and social anxiety. I'm going to start walking you kiddos there if I keep hearing people skipping out. I'm going to see if Jyushimatsu needs help and check on Totty, too. I'm not going to the hospital anymore for this shit. These bills are through the roof and pachinko winnings aren't going to cut it…”

It sounded like a poor attempt to make a light joke at the end but it fell flat. He was right, they were all a mess. Choromatsu got anxiety attacks if he can't keep control of his life, Ichimatsu was still in a depression pit, Jyushimatsu seemed to refuse to give anything than a smile that was easily forced, and Todomatsu was so distant from others that he had no empathy for others now. But… Karamatsu looked at Osomatsu with questioning eyes.

“Are you going, too?” Karamatsu blurted out.

“Huh? Why would I need to go?” It was a forced smile and that tic of scratching his nose.

“For… For the stuff from when we were kids? You still fight in your sleep…” Karamatsu mumbled. Choromatsu was also now looking to Osomatsu, waiting for an answer.

“Nah, big brother, Osomatsu-niisan, has everything under control!” What a shitty lie.

Chapter Text

It was another long week in the hospital. He had to stay to go through minor physical therapy thanks to the coma. He was on a consistent watch thanks to Osomatsu apparently telling the doctors he attempted suicide. The food wasn't as great as a home cooked meal and made Karamatsu’s stomach churn in want for something more realistic to eat.

His brothers all stuck around the first few days till they slowly moved back to their daily life. However, each one at least visited once every day. Even Ichimatsu would come in with a magazine to keep Karamatsu occupied. Osomatsu was the only one who was there all day and almost never left unless necessary.

It was a little worrisome, to say the least. Karamatsu wasn't one who needed tons of privacy, sure, but it still made him wonder if something was honestly wrong. Osomatsu would always ask what the others had planned out for the day, which was weird since none of them ever had a plan, before he'd seem to check them off of some mental checklist. Was this how Osomatsu kept a headcount?

Karamatsu ended up sleeping on and off through the week. Pain killers were amazing and made it easy to drift off when there was nothing to talk about. However more than once he pretended to sleep while his brothers spoke among themselves.

“I am still shocked he did all of this,” he heard Todomatsu say once.

“Yeah, well, he did,” Osomatsu sigh slowly.

“I just… It makes me wonder how much it was that we never saw,” Todomatsu was being quiet, trying not to wake Karamatsu.

“Probably all of it. He's not one to make sure everyone sees his faults. He's not like Ichimatsu who's obvious,” Osomatsu sounded distant, something was on his mind.

“Yeah… I just… I can't believe we’re all here doing this again. It'd be one thing if one of us were killed while we were trying to do something but… Suicide is a lot scarier to think about,” was Todomatsu crying?

“Yeah… It's super scary… I'm glad he's back with us, at least…” Osomatsu mumbled.

“Do you think… Do you think he's forgiven us?” Todomatsu sounded as though they were trying to stay together.

“He probably has for all the wrong reasons… That dork seriously still tries to say painful things when I ask him if he's ok,” Osomatsu winced. It… It was true, he supposed.

“He's terrible… How can he be so nice when we’re a bunch of dicks? At least Ichimatsu told us he hated us that first month…” Todomatsu whimpered. Why did they want him mad at them?

“Well could you imagine if Karamatsu tried to be mean before this all?” Osomatsu sighed, “What would the reaction even be?”

“None… I don't think any of us would've… Would've even cared… Huh?” Todomatsu answered regrettably, wincing quietly at the realization.

“Yeah… I wonder if he still has that mentality. I mean, he probably is thinking things will go “back to normal” once he gets home. He probably isn't even picturing that things are going to change after this…” Osomatsu mumbled, sounding closer now, probably coming to stand by Todomatsu.

It hurt to hear this as it was true. Karamatsu was picturing life going “back to normal” once he got home. But what was the normal he was anticipating? Osomatsu being carefree and oblivious, Choromatsu being responsible and a straight man, Ichimatsu playing with his cats and horsing around with Jyushimatsu, Jyushimatsu running around and playing baseball, Todomatsu on his phone talking all day to his friends and working to rise above being a NEET.

But “normal” that involved himself? He was already thinking up more lines for to use when he got home to bloom the person he wanted to be even more. He was already wondering if he needed to buy more than one pair of sunglasses just in case a cat broke one of them. He was already thinking of how he'd maneuver around the house on his own with his broken leg. He was already occasionally trying to use his good hand to see how easy it can be to switch dominant hands thanks to his broken hand being his dominant hand. He was already thinking of the extra work he'd have to do. He was already building mental walls to protect himself from their treatment. He was already… Already wondering how far that bridge was from where his therapist’s office was.

The more he pretended to sleep, the more he hated what he heard. He stirred himself awake to get them to stop talking and was glad when they forced on smiles and stopped.

“Karamatsu-niisan,” Jyushimatsu spoke with him one day, “Can I ask something?”

“Of course, my little Jyushimatsu!” He put on a smile, not liking the idea of the fifth brother seeing him sad.

“What was it that pushed you to do it? Why that night?” Jyushimatsu asked with the forced grin he plastered on, “I don't want it to happen again!”

Both he and Osomatsu were stunned silent. How can he answer that? No one had asked him that out loud this entire time so he had no answer prepared to protect everybody.

“Uh… Well, Jyushimatsu…” He stumbled over his words, trying to find the right answer, “It's uh… Complicated? I just… I just wasn't feeling good… I uh… I didn't feel like I fit in, I guess.”

“Not fit in? But you're one of us!” Jyushimatsu’s searched his face, trying to look for a clearer answer. By instinct he reached for sunglasses that weren't there, wanting to hide his face from Jyushimatsu’s gaze.

“I… Yeah, I know but uh… I just… I felt like you guys didn't want me around, so I didn't know where else to go?” Karamatsu tried to find the right words that didn't sound hurtful.

Osomatsu knew the real words that should've been used.

You assholes pushed me off the edge and never loved me as a family member like you do for each other. You assholes abused me and I had to save myself the only way I could think of.

“Oh… Well! Then when you get home, I'll make sure you fit in!” Jyushimatsu nodded, “It'll be home run sized fun!”

“I… Thanks, Jyushimatsu,” Karamatsu felt glad that Jyushimatsu didn't outwardly take it badly. He ran his hands through Jyushimatsu’s short hair, glad to see his younger brother smile look slightly less forced.

It was thankfully not long till he was released to go home. It was nice to be somewhere he was more familiar with. However… No matter how much he looked around the bedroom, he couldn't help but feel… Foreign. Why? He felt like he didn't deserve to be back after the trouble he caused his brothers. He sat himself across the couch in their room and tried to relax. However, it was pretty hard considering the five pairs of eyes the watched his every movement. Were they scared?

“I… Thank you so much, my brothers, for helping me up here but… You don't have to watch out for me! I just want to relax and bask in the nice familiarity of our shared home!” Karamatsu tugged on a fake smile with a dash of fake charm. That was who they were associating “normal Karamatsu” with, right? When he saw them visibly relax and look almost half annoyed, he felt more at ease again.

He was glad to be back with his sunglasses and jacket again. They made him feel more “Karamatsu” again and helped him ground himself. Thankfully Choromatsu held onto the clothes the hospital had set aside while he was out and made sure they were well taken care of. It also helped that his hoodie gave him a comfortable feeling to help him ease back into the shuffle with the rest of his brothers.

They spent the first day he was home trying to make sure he fell back into society with ease. They spent the second day he was home doing what they always used to do. Osomatsu read comics while he ate snacks. Choromatsu was reading a manual for a job he was interested in. Ichimatsu was playing with a stray cat by the window. Jyushimatsu played board games with Todomatsu. They were… They were honestly getting back into the rhythm of things quickly.

Or at least, that's what he assumed till he tried to get up on his own to grab a snack. Osomatsu was fast to push him back down onto the couch.

“Where are you going? You're still injured! Take it easy…” Osomatsu gave him a concerned look.

“I--,” he was caught off guard, honestly, “I just wanted to get a snack?”

“Totty, can you get him one?” Osomatsu was fast to look towards the youngest.

“Sure, I don't mind. Anyone else want a snack while I'm up?” Todomatsu nodded as he stood, moving to the door. He was honestly shocked? They were willing to get a simple snack for him?

He let Osomatsu keep him down but couldn't help but think on this hours later. Was this an honest change? No, this is too easy. They were only concerned because he still had bandages on. The moment they're off, they'll probably go back to normal. They still reacted to his “painful” lines naturally so that means that it's only so long till he's cut off or hit for trying to be someone more than himself. But who was himself? Was he some quiet second oldest? He didn't want to be quiet and lost in the shuffle… Was he supposed to be in charge as second oldest? No, they'd never let him. Was he the romantic and cool bad boy that he dreamed to be? It was getting exhausting to keep it up now… Was he--

“Niisan! Do you want to play cards with me?” Jyushimatsu hopped up to sit next to him on the couch, cutting his thoughts off.

“Oh uh… Yeah, sure!” Karamatsu tugged on a smile. At least he could absorb all their kindness while he could…

Chapter Text

He laid in the shared futon wide awake. Ideally, it’s been three weeks since he stood on that bridge. He spent one week in a coma because he failed to kill himself. He spent one week in a hospital bed with his brothers all around him because he failed to realize they were capable of being concerned for him. He spent another week getting used to being at home again and getting used to change because he failed to feel like he belonged among them anymore. He has Ichimatsu to his right and Todomatsu to his left. One side normally hates him, the other side normally tolerates him. Yet… now they act like he’s worth a damn?

It takes all he has to crawl out of bed without awakening someone. It takes all he has to move his body while holding back the groans of pain of his broken limbs. He pushes himself out of the futon to grab his crutch. He uses it to push himself to a standing position and makes his way to the window. He puts the crutch aside and crawl carefully onto their roof.

No one has been letting him on the roof since he came home and he hates it. The roof was his safe space. The roof was his quiet space. He used to play his guitar on the roof and hum tunes that came to him. He used to watch the day slowly slip away behind his sunglasses. He used to feel like the roof was where he belonged. Who knew that all it meant was that he’s been destined to fall off high places

He stared up at the sky, admiring the stars that shined brightly above him. He knew it wouldn’t be possible, but he liked to think that the brightest star up there was the same one he saw that day. He wanted to be that star. He wanted to be admired by everyone while he shined brightly for all to see. However, his eyes drifted away from the star to the smaller ones that surrounded it. He swallowed hard and thought about how he was probably one of those stars. Barely lit up bright enough for someone to see but easily ignored despite all its efforts.

“Karamatsu,” a voice cut his thoughts off. He glanced over to see Osomatsu looking at him with worried eyes from the window. After a moment of eye contact, Osomatsu made his way to sit on the roof next to Karamatsu.

“You could’ve asked for help to get up here…” Osomatsu mumbled as the eldest looked down at the streets below them.

“I didn’t want to wake anyone… It’s fine, don’t worry,” Karamatsu insisted. He really just wanted peace and quiet.

“Alright… “ Osomatsu nodded before looking to Karamatsu, “What’re you doing up here, anyways? Aren’t you tired?”

“Not really… I have been sleeping so much lately, I just want to watch the stars that shine down upon us with their glowing hopes,” Karamatsu spoke coolly, gesturing to the night sky with his good hand as a smile spread across his face. He was being completely honest.

“O-Ow! I thought you were the one with the bruised ribs, not me!” Osomatsu whined in pain as he leaned against Karamatsu. The younger of the two gave him a confused look, unsure why Osomatsu was in pain. He was being completely honest!

“U-Uh… but yeah, I do honestly want to look at the stars… they’re pretty…” he felt suddenly exhausted. Maybe he should go back to bed. He swallowed thickly as Osomatsu collected his composure again.

“Oh, you’re being serious? Man, I don’t get how you can be so sincere about that stuff. To me, stars look cool I guess but they don’t really “shine down hope” or whatever to me. They’re just dots to help the moon light up the sky…” Osomatsu shrugged.

“How can you say that?!” Karamatsu snapped without thinking. When he saw the look in Osomatsu’s eyes, he winced and shrunk away with an apologetic look, “Forgive me, brother, I just… I must be more tired than I realized…”

“You know it’s ok to have a different opinion than me, right? And it’s ok to want to defend something you love, right?” Osomatsu gave him a sceptical look, pulling on a smile of assurance slowly.

“I just… I just really admire the stars,” Karamatsu mumbled, looking down at the roof tiles nervously, “They kind of… like I said, give me hope. They’re bright and everyone can see them no matter where they are. It’s… it’s something I would like to be.”

There was a long pause of silence, Karamatsu had to guess Osomatsu was holding back some kind of pained look now. He wouldn’t know, he kept his eyes on the roof tiles. He didn’t dare a glance at his older brother right now. He wanted to go back to bed and forget this all even happened. He wanted to crawl under the blankets and just let the hazy feeling of sleep take him over. He wanted to sleep and never wake up.

“I wish I could see the stars like you see them. They still kind of look small compared to the moon… but, then again what would the moon even be without the stars?” Osomatsu said finally. Karamatsu glanced slowly over at the eldest, swallowing hard as Osomatsu stared up at the night sky.

“I guess… the moon would seem kind of lonely? Without the stars, the moon would be by itself at night?” Karamatsu reasoned, following his gaze up the moon.

“Lonely? Yeah… yeah that is true,” Osomatsu mumbled, seeming lost in thought. Karamatsu moved his gaze to look back at the eldest. This wasn’t the first time he’s seen such a far away look in the eldest. Him and Choromatsu knew that Osomatsu probably needed as much help as they did and yet… and yet Osomatsu always turned them down to just assure that “big brother can handle anything”. He felt worried for the eldest and hated that his own injuries were worrying his older brother. He didn’t want that at all.

“That’s why the stars are so important, they shine and light up the sky with the moon!” Karamatsu pulled on a smile for his brother.

“Ok, but what if the moon wasn’t there?” Osomatsu decided to ask, still looking like he was miles away now.

“The moon…? Uh… well the stars would have each other but… It wouldn’t be as bright as it could be at night,” Karamatsu frowned, unsure where this was getting at.

“What a shitfest…” Osomatsu mumbled, hugging his knees in a way that resembled Ichimatsu. He slowly wrapped his good arm around Osomatsu’s shoulders carefully, slowly and gently pulling him in for a side hug. He knew something was wrong with Osomatsu. He knew that Osomatsu didn’t come looking for him and was doing the exact same thing he was.

“How about we go to bed?” Karamatsu offered, “It’s pretty late… Can you help me down? I uh… I need my big brother to make sure I don’t fall off the roof.” It was important to iterate that even if he could get down on his own with no problems.

“Yeah, come on, I got ya,” Osomatsu spoke with a tired tone, crawling down first before offering his hands up to Karamatsu. It was a careful process but slowly Osomatsu got Karamatsu down and back into their bedroom. Osomatsu led Karamatsu to his spot on the futon and helped him crawl back between Todomatsu and Ichimatsu without waking either of the two.

He was thankful that he got at least decent sleep. It wasn’t perfect but it’d do for now. Todomatsu was the one who woke him so they could start putting the futon away.

He thought of the words Osomatsu said the night before but kept quiet. He wondered if at one point they stopped talking about stars and the moon and was talking about each other. No matter, he kept these thoughts to himself.

“Hey, Karamatsu, did you ever get to remember what you were dreaming about while you were out?” Todomatsu asked him curiously after breakfast. They were all just sitting around, minding their business. Jyushimatsu was playing with Ichimatsu’s cat toy while the other flicked it back and forth for the younger brother. Osomatsu was boredly chewing on some snacks while Choromatsu was on the computer looking up tickets for a Nyaa-chan concert. He was on the couch going through a magazine while Todomatsu was next to him on his phone.

“My dream?” He thought back on it. It was mostly fuzzy. He vaguely recalled seeing his brothers all happy, someone who scared him, a coin that was same sided, and a bridge. But nothing more than that…

“Sort of, I remember seeing you all there. You guys were happy doing what you guys usually did,” Karamatsu answered honestly.

“You dreamed of us? Seriously?” Todomatsu gave him a surprised look, the rest of the room was silently and obviously eavesdropping.

“Yeah, I mean, you guys are my brothers! Of course I'd be happy to dream of all of you happy with big smiles across your faces!” Karamatsu spoke with a cool smile.

He heard one of his brothers--Choromatsu, maybe?--mumble a silent “painful”. He didn't understand, he was being honest!

“Well, that's certainly nice,” Todomatsu nodded, “You looked happy, at least. I was just curious.”

It did make him think back on it, though. He wondered what those flashes of images even meant in the long run.

By the end of the week he was able to stop wearing most of his bandages. No longer would his hair be ruined by gross bandages. No longer would his torso hurt every time he laughed too hard at Jyushimatsu’s antics or when he laid on his side wrong.

However, he felt nervous. The less bandages he wore, the less his brothers seemed to notice him, again. He noticed they were being more verbal about how “painful” he was. He noticed they were speaking over him again. He noticed that they didn't spring up whenever he stood on his own. He was part of the shuffle again. At least the two large casts on his body stopped them from physically reminding him how painful he was.

He had to visit the doctor once a week to check on his arm and leg to see how long till that cast could come off. He had his first therapist appointment on the fourth week since that day. Osomatsu walked him there, making sure the younger of the two made it safely.

“Can you tell me what pushed you to attempt suicide?” Was one of the questions the psychiatrist asked.

“I… I guess I felt like I didn't belong among my brothers,” was his answer, “So I thought I'd do them a favor instead of burdening them?”

“You sound unsure, what's wrong?” The psychiatrist asked.

“I'm just… I remember being in a mindset where I wasn't thinking about the consequences so… So I guess I just feel unsure if that's the actual reasoning…” He shrugged, feeling honest.

“I see…” She wrote something down. He felt nervous suddenly. Was that not the correct answer? What was the correct answer?

“I-... Uh, but I think it was just uh…” Karamatsu tried to think of a defense, “Just me being painfully dumb?”

“What makes you say that?” She questioned with a curious tone.

“I… I'm not sure,” he looked away, now feeling honestly dumb.

“I see…” She nodded, “Do you have thoughts about trying again?”

He almost choked on his breath at that question. He wanted to say ‘No of course not!’ But that wasn't true. He knew his mind always went around the idea of trying again. He was scared. His mind was thinking of for sure ways to succeed; buy a gun, learn how to make a noose, buy a hotel room for one night near the top floor, buy a razor to shave with. It scared him how his mind would consider it whenever he felt scared his brothers would go back to normal.

“N-No…” He lied through his teeth, “I uh… I don't.”

“Matsuno-san, it's ok to tell me if you do have those thoughts again. I need to know so I can make sure you get the correct treatment,” she insisted.

He felt his stomach twist. He thought on Ichimatsu in high school, doped up on anti-depressants. He remember one time Ichimatsu had skipped a week’s worth of pills and nearly broke himself.

“They just give you pills the same way they give a pacifier to a baby. It just forces us to feel different when the problem is still fucking there,” Ichimatsu snarled at him that day.

Was he going to be on antidepressants? He felt unsure on how to feel about that. After all, what if it wasn't the enviroment that was his problem? What if it was himself and he did need something to feel less of a burden?

“I… Maybe I do,” he mumbled, “Only sometimes…”

“Is there a direct cause when you get that feeling?” She asked carefully, “Like maybe one of your brothers saying something or doing something?”

“I get worried they'll treat me like they did before this all happened…” He mumbled, “I get lost in my thoughts, I suppose…” he suddenly felt very small in the cushiony chair he sat in.

Chapter Text

He stood at the edge of the bridge, staring down at the river with nervous eyes. He felt his hands tremble as they gripped the fence behind him. His eyes drifted slowly up to the night sky to admire the stars. Why was he here again?

Oh, right, a glance down would show that he’s completely healed over the last two months. What a shitfest of the last two months… Things were great at first. He went to therapy on time, was cared for by his brothers, and was able to feel like he belonged with them all again. But then… then he started to feel that painful emptiness again. It started when he had to take his cast off his arm first. It should have been obvious then.

His brothers started to mumble the “painful” word again. He felt worst every time they said it. He didn’t know what to do to fix it. He tried maybe changing on how he dressed, choosing to only wear his blue hoodie that matched the others or his jumpsuit. But they still mumbled it under their breaths. He tried to ignore it, he tried his hardest. His therapist told him to talk to his brothers. He felt like a child when he tried to think of how to phrase it.

Then he tried to limit what he said. He thought maybe it was because what he said may have been painful. Unnecessary words would get cut out of his vocabulary. Only when someone called him “painful” did he cut a word out. However, as days went on, he found himself losing too many words till he fell silent one day. He didn’t have a word to say. He felt too scared of the muttered word, “painful”.

Fine, being silent shouldn’t be too bad, he thought that day, after all, it’ll make everyone happier. He wanted to convey his gratitude to them a few times but stopped himself before he could make things worst. He started to skip therapy days since he had no words to say to her. He didn’t expect for her to call his home while he spent the time he should’ve been at therapy quietly eating oden. He didn’t expect Osomatsu to take serious action and demand to know why he skipped. When his voice fell short, it made things worst. It made his older brother angrier. He didn’t understand! He wasn’t talking to help! And it made things worst!

He started waking up feeling unsure and empty multiple days in a row. After all, if he took off his sunglasses and cut his voice off, who was he? He ended up spending hours unsure on what to do now. Thankfully, no one would call him painful when he’s just laying around. That at least made things nicer. But did it? He hated not having someone to be.

Then there was the Ichimatsu incident. He didn’t like waking up at around 12am to hear a drunk Ichimatsu stumble in the house downstairs. He didn’t like carefully walking down to see his younger brother barely making it to the kitchen sink to empty his stomach. He didn’t like having to silently clean the sink out to then lead Ichimatsu to the bathroom. He hated it. All of it. He held back his younger brother’s hair and rubbed his back gently. He needed Ichimatsu to be ok and safe. Why was he even drinking? It was the middle of the week and Ichimatsu wasn’t a huge drinker.

“W-Why are you like this?” He heard Ichimatsu grumble while his head was still bowed to the toilet.

He had no answer. He didn’t dare utter a word.

“Why are you so nice when all I’ve done is… is fucking hate your kindness?” Ichimatsu demanded again, “How come you are like this now? What’s wrong with you? What happened?!”

He couldn’t answer, he didn’t know the correct answer.

“You were fine when you woke up. You fucking smiled to everyone and pretended you weren’t in any pain! Just fucking cry for once, damnit!” Ichimatsu snarled, finally lifting his head to glare at Karamatsu.

He instinctively held his arms up in defense. When he received no pain and heard the pained noise of vomiting return again, he looked at his brother with worried eyes.

“None of us can ever be fucking sure if you’re in pain or not! Why?! Why do you have to act like everything is fine when it isn’t! None of us knew you were going to off yourself! You didn’t even leave a note, asshole! And now? NOW? You don’t even talk to anyone! You don’t answer us verbally anymore and you don’t … you don’t act like you! Why are you like this? You’re a fan-fucking-tastic guy and you put up with our shit! Why?” Ichimatsu growled at him as he gripped the edges of the toilet.

He didn’t know if he needed to talk now or not. Osomatsu yelled at him to talk, too, and when he didn’t say anything, he made things worst. Yet he felt like if he said something to Ichimatsu, he’d make things worst, still!

“For once in your fucking life, cry like you used to! When we were kids and something was wrong, you’d cry so much about everything! What happened? At least be angry if you’re not going to cry! Why aren’t you ever mad at me?! I deserve it!” Ichimatsu shouted before slumping to a mumble, “I don’t deserve your kindness…”

“Ichimatsu…” was all he muttered as he got to eye level with Ichimatsu, giving him concerned and worried eyes. He grabbed some toilet paper and wiped his brother’s mouth before flushing it down the toilet with the rest of Ichimatsu’s stomach’s contents.

He spent the rest of that night sitting in silence with Ichimatsu in the bathroom. He kept his knees hugged to his chest while Ichimatsu had sprawled himself out on the bathroom floor in exhaustion. Karamatsu ran his hand through Ichimatsu’s hair like he did when they were kids and one of his younger brothers got sick. He wanted to tell Ichimatsu that he was a star that deserves kindness. He wanted to tell Ichimatsu he was a star that shined brighter than he, himself, did. He wanted to make things better.

Ichimatsu didn’t talk to him the rest of that week. Clearly he did something wrong.

Karamatsu looked to the river again, feeling sick. He wondered if this was the world’s shittiest reset button. If he fell, then two things can happen. He will die or he will be injured deeply again. He could get his brothers to be nicer to him again, or he could be free. But he didn’t want to do this. He wanted to go home and crawl under the blankets. He wanted to pretend none of this was happening.

He felt his body tremble, he wasn’t ready for this. He didn’t want to do this. Yet here he was. Again. He felt like he was going to get swallowed up by the world any second. He felt like he couldn’t breathe as he thought of what he was going to do. He shook his head back and forth as he tried to calm down. If he didn’t calm down, then he’d lose his balance and not have a choice.

“ I want to be admired!” He couldn’t stop himself from shouting to the stars. His voice sounded awful in his opinion. His true voice. The meek excuse of a voice. It was worst thanks to lack of use and the tears that bubbled in his eyes seemed to make anxiety bubble in his throat.

He bowed his head, ashamed for being so selfish in front of the stars. He wanted to be one so badly so that others could love him. He wanted to enjoy the lack of responsibilities a star had other than just lighting up the way.

He slowly lifted his eyes after a moment of collection. He wanted to reach and grab one of the stars to put in his pocket. He’d take the star home and love it far better than anyone else would. But alas, he cannot. Instead, he cried and pressed his back to the fence.

He swallowed thickly before finally deciding to take a step forward. He felt a tug on his sweatshirt, however, and slowly looked over his shoulder. He didn’t like having to look into the eyes of his youngest brother. He wiped his tears while his brother was tapping away on his phone.

“W-We’ve been looking for you!” Todomatsu spoke to him with a scared voice. He didn’t want his youngest brother to be scared but he couldn’t stop his tears.

“T-Totty…” he croaked out, letting himself fall back into the fence rather than let himself fall forward like last time.

“J-Just don’t move forward, ok?” Todomatsu tried to reign in his emotions to be the calm one, glancing around at the fence for a moment, “How’d you even get on that side? Can you climb back over?”

“T-Totty… I… I don’t know…” he hiccupped, feeling like his strength was down the drain.

“Yes, you can! That’s how you got over the first time, right? Come on, climb back over to me and we can get you home…” Todomatsu tried to lower his voice to sound soothing.

He felt too embarrassed, having to be caught by his youngest brother, “I… I’m scared…” he didn’t get a chance to stop his words.

“I know… just… can you stay here with me? We can wait together for Osomatsu to get here… “ Todomatsu tried, gripping his sweatshirt through the fence tighter.

He nodded and turned his body to face Todomatsu fully. Still, Todomatsu reached to grab his sleeve through the fence just in case.

“Karamatsu-niisan… why are you here?” Todomatsu asked. It wasn’t to hurt, Karamatsu knew Todomatsu genuinely couldn’t read people to know the full truth. Just surface level.

“I… I don’t want to be painful…” he croaked out, hoping it was the easiest way to explain it. He saw Todomatsu look hurt for a split moment before he reigned in his emotions to be the calm one.

“But… But if you do this, we’re all going to miss you…” Todomatsu whimpered, looking up at him with desperate eyes, “You can’t do this, ok? Just because we say you’re painful once in awhile, it doesn’t make you any less of a person than we are! You’re my big brother… I need my big brother…”

He choked on a sob as Osomatsu and Choromatsu ran on the bridge to them. He could hear them both calling his name. He felt small and childish and selfish. They were crying because of him? He felt worst. He forced on a smile for them, hoping with all his might that the tears would stop.

“What are you doing?! Come on, climb back over to us! We can fix this!” Osomatsu shouted with panic dripping from his voice.

“Nii-san, help him back over!” Todomatsu ordered the eldest, keeping his iron grip on Karamatsu’s sweatshirt. Osomatsu didn’t think twice as he moved to climb the fence. Karamatsu could only close his eyes with his fake smile and tears down his cheeks as he felt fear practically tug him to the river even more now.

“Karamatsu, we’ve been trying to find you everywhere! We were scared you’d be back here! You left after dinner without telling anyone where you were going!” Choromatsu spoke with a worried expression as Osomatsu came down and put his hands carefully on Karamatsu’s shoulders.

“Alright, buddy, come on, let’s get back to the other side. We can climb together,” Osomatsu tried to speak gently with his “Big Brother” voice. He felt frozen in place, though.

“I can’t… I’m scared…” Karamatsu mumbled, gripping the fence tightly as his hands trembled.

“I know, we’re all scared… but we need you, ok?” Osomatsu spoke quietly, “Just put one foot on the fence. Can you do that?”

He swallowed hard, following his instruction to stick his right foot into one of the holes of the chain-link fence.

“Good, can you do the other foot, too, so you don’t fall?” Osomatsu asked carefully, waiting till Karamatsu took in a breath and followed what he said. At this, Osomatsu climbed onto the fence enough that he was at the same height as Karamatsu.

“Can you move your hands up a bit so you’re better balanced?” Osomatsu asked next, glancing to Todomatsu with a nod to let go.

Slowly, limb by limb, Osomatsu was able to get Karamatsu up and over the fence. As soon as Karamatsu’s feet were firmly planted on the pavement of the bridge, Choromatsu and Todomatsu clung to him tightly. Karamatsu vaguely heard Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu run onto the bridge and felt them cling to him next. He looked past all of them to see Osomatsu there with a nervous smile. Slowly Karamatsu reached for the eldest and the six of them sat in a huddled bunch on the pavement of the bridge for almost an hour.

When he got home, he found his voice to tell them how much he hated being called “painful”. He found his voice to tell them how badly he just wants them happy. He found his voice to tell them how badly he wants to feel like he fits in. He found his voice to cry about wanting to amount to someone one day.

Slowly, one by one, each of his brothers assured him how much he meant to them.

“I feel so much safer around you,” Todomatsu said.

“Niisan makes the best music!” Jyushimatsu grinned.

“Who else is going to believe in me?” Ichimatsu muttered.

“You help me stay grounded,” Choromatsu frowned anxiously.

“Who else will tell me about the stars?” Osomatsu smiled.

He felt like he was going to collapse from the amount of love he felt. He remembered sleeping better than usual that night. He felt happy to feel like he could ease back into who he wanted to be again. Yeah, it hurt when strangers called him that ugly word, “painful” but he was glad it didn’t happen with his brothers anymore. He was proud to be the romantic he was. He felt more willing to listen to the occasional critique of his brothers.

He… he felt like he was finally a Shining Star.